Airport Song
[JACK, spoken]
When can I get the next direct flight to Vegas?

[MALE TICKET AGENT, spoken]
Next Thursday

[JACK, spoken]
Next Thursday! Are you insane?

[MALE TICKET AGENT, spoken]
Not to worry sir! We can get you there

[JACK, spoken]
You can?

[MALE TICKET AGENT]
We can put you on the 9:15 to Honolulu
Then to Atlanta
Then on to Vegas
For Wednesday morning
Eight thousand bucks
[JACK, spoken]
Eight grand! I don't have a pot to piss in!

[FEMALE TICKET AGENT #1]
Or we could put you on the 10:35 to Honolulu
Then to
Atlanta

[JACK, spoken]
No, I don't want to go to Atlanta!

[FEMALE TICKET AGENT #1]
Then on to Vegas
Through Cincinnati

[MALE TICKET AGENT]
Whoops, those sold out!

[JACK, spoken]
Ok, I just need to get to Vegas as quickly and directly as--

[TICKET AGENTS]
Or we could put you on the midnight flight
That sends you through the night

[MALE TICKET AGENT]
To Atlanta
[FEMALE TICKET AGENT #2]
Then you'll have chili up in Philly

[MALE TICKET AGENT]
And kielbasa in St. Paul

[TICKET AGENTS]
Oh, St. Paul

[FEMALE TICKET AGENT #1]
Or we could put you on the 8 AM
That goes direct

[JACK, spoken]
YES!

[FEMALE TICKET AGENT #1]
To Fairbanks, Alaska

[TICKET AGENTS]
And once you get to Fairbanks
You not going anywhere at all

La, la, la, la, la

[TICKET AGENTS, spoken]
Have a nice day!