Banned From Argo
When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R & R
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar
We had high expectations of their hospitality
But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our captain's tastes were simple but his methods were complex
We found him with five partners each of a different world and sex
The shore police were on the way -- we had no second chance
We beamed him up in the nick of time in the remnants of his pants

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our engineer would yield to none in putting down the brew
He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew
The navigator didn't win but he outdrank almost all
And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of city hall
And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our proper cool first officer was drugged with something green
And hauled into an alley where he suffered things obscene
He sobered up in sickbay and he's none the worse for wear
Except he somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

The head nurse disappeared a while in the major dope bazaar
Buying an odd green potion guaranteed to cause pon farr
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our lady of communications won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet's main communications net
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen
And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too
He took some down on leave with him and we wondered what they'd do
'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away
And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!

And we're banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four
But Argo doesn't want us anymore

...Wonder why?