Please Hello
[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
(enters bearing documents and a plaque)
Please hello, America back
Commodore Perry send hello
Also comes memorial plaque
President Fillmore wish bestow

Emperor read our letter? If no
Commodore Perry very sad
Emperor like our letter? If so
Commodore Perry very merry
President Fillmore still more glad

Last time we visit, too short
This time we visit for slow
Last time we come, come with warships
Now with more ships —
Say hello!
This time request use of port
Port for commercial intention
Harbor with ample dimension
[ABE]
But you can't —

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Only one
Little port
For a freighter

[ABE]
But you can't —

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Just for fun
Be a sport

[ABE]
Maybe later —

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
But we bring many recent invention:
Kerosene
And cement
And a grain
Elevator
A machine
You can rent
Called a "train" —
[ABE]
— Maybe later —

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
— Also cannon to shoot
Big loud salute
Like so:
(Explosion)
Say hello!
(Explosion. Abe takes pen and signs document.)

Treaty meet approval? If no
Commodore Perry very fierce
Disregard confusion below:
President Fillmore now named Pierce

Good! At last agreement is made
Letter will let us come again
First result of mutual trade:
Commodore getting letter letting
Councillor getting fancy pen!
Goodbye
(Bows; Abe bows back.)
Goodbye

[ABE]
Goodbye
(Bows; Admiral bows back.)
[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Goodbye

[ABE]
Goodbye

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Please goodbye
(Bows; Abe bows back.)

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
(appearing suddenly)
Hello!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
(to Abe)
Goodbye
(Bows; the British Admiral bows in greeting; Abe is confused, bows halfway between them.)

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Hello, please!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Goodbye

(All three bow again.)

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Please
Hello, I come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
Who, learning how you're trading now, sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!"
And sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria
As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia
(offers a tin of tea to Abe)

[RECITER]
The man has come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia

[ABE]
Tea?

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
For drink

[ABE]
I see
I thank you

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
I think
Her letters do contain a few proposals to your Emperor
Which if, of course, he won't endorse, will put in her in a temper or
More happily, should he agree, will serve to keep her placid, or
At least till I am followed by a permanent ambassador

[RECITER]
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador
And more

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Her Majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative
Until we ship a proper diplomatic representative
We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative
So please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative

(explosion)

[RECITER]
Yes, please ignore the man-of-war
That's anchored rather near the shore
It's nothing but a metaphor
That acts as a preventative

(explosion)

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
All clear?
Just so
Sign here

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Hello, hello, objection resent!
President Pierce say "Moment's pause."
British get ambassador sent
President Pierce get extra clause

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
(appearing suddenly)
Wait! Please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
Like to keep in touch!
Thank you very much!
Tell them to go
Button up the lips
What do little Nips
Want with battleships?

Hold everything!
We gonna bring
Chocolate!
Wouldn' you like to lease
A beautiful little piece
Of chocolate?
Listen, that's not to mention
Wonderful — pay attention! —
Windmills
Und tulips
(gives Abe a tulip)
Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe?
(gives Abe documents)
There — can you read?
Good! We will need
Two ports
One of them not to rocky
How about Nagasaki?
Two ports
One of them for the cocoa
What do you call it? — Yoko
Hama! Ja!
Und Nagasaki! Ja!
Sign here!
(Dances, making semaphore signals to the sea. Another explosion.)[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Wait please, objection again!
Dutch getting to many seaports
President now wanting three ports [BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Great Britain wishes her position clear and indisputable:
We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable
And though you Japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
(appearing suddenly)
Please hello…

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Wait, please hello!
Comes the monkey wrench!
Smell that awful stench:
Probably the French[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
—Also insist giving free ports—[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
—Reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutable —[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello…

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Ach, nein, of course
My mistake, the Czar
Smell the caviar—
Leave the door ajar[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
—Also want annual reports—[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
—And thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable![RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello
Is bringing Czar's request
Braving snow
With letter to protest:
Since we know
You trading with the West
You might at least
(Don't touch the coat!)
Start looking East—
(thinking about it)
—Or closer West—
(thinking again)
—Well, farther North—
(looking around)
Are we the fourth?
I feel depressed
(Don't touch the coat!)

Coming next
Is extraterritoriality
Noting text
Say "extraterritoriality."
You perplexed
By "extraterritoriality"?
(points)
Just noting clause
(Don't touch the coat!)
Which say your laws
Do not apply
(Don't touch the coat!)
When we drop by—
Not getting shot
No matter what:
A minor scrape
A major rape
And we escape
(Don't touch the cape!)
That's what is extraterritoriality

Fair is fair—
You wish perhaps to vote?
What we care
You liking what we wrote?
(points to sea)
Sitting there
Is finest fleet afloat
Observing boat?
(explosion)
Don't touch the coat
(explosion)
Just sign the note[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
The British feel these latest dealings verge on immorality
The element of precedent imperils our neutrality
We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality
We must insist you offer this to every nationality! 
 
[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
We want the same

What the Russkies claim!
Why you let them came?
Dirty rotten shame! 
 
 
 
[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
U.S.A. extremely upset!
President Pierce say solid "No!"[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
(appearing suddenly)
'Allo! —
Please 'allo!
Please 'allo!
'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo!
(blows them all a kiss)
I bring word, I bring word
From Napoleon ze Third.
'E 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere
From ze little bird!
Undeterred, we conferred
Though we felt zat we'd been slurred
And ze verdict was he spurred
Me 'ere to bring ze word!

Would you like to know ze word
From Napoleon ze Third?
(shoves bundle of papers at Abe)
It's détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Just détente! Oooh, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts, passing acts
Zere's no time for making warfare
When you're always busy making wiz ze
Mutual détente!
(blows another kiss)
A détente! A détente
Is ze only thing we wish!
Same as zem, except additional
Ze rights to fish!
You'll be paid, you'll be paid
And we'll 'ave ze big parade
If we somehow can persuade
You to accept our aid
(gestures to the sea — tiny explosion)
It is not to be afraid …
(another one)
As we merely wish to trade …
(the biggest explosion yet)
A détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Leave ze grain, leave ze train
Put champagne among your imports!
Tell each man zat Japan
Can't be bothered giving him ports
While she's in a tizzy
Dizzy wiz ze
Mutual détente!

[ABE]
It is late
And I fear —
Well, you see
There's a famine …
Could you wait
For a year?
We'll agree to
Examine
It

[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
A détente! A détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!

(Everybody sings simultaneously, squabbling with each other.)

[ABE]
(to each in turn)
— But lat-
Er, I fear
There's a drought
And a famine …
If you wait
For a year
Then no doubt
We'll examine
It, but we've
Had a quake
And a flood
And a famine …
Please believe
We will take
It to stud-
Y, examine
It, but please
If you'll wait
For a year …
There's a famine …

[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
Just détente! Oooh, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts, passing acts
Zere's no time for making warfare
Why discuss, make ze fuss
Since ze West belongs to us?
And ze East we have leased for ze French administration
If you want force in ze Norce
Zen we burn ze Dutch legation

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Wait please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
We want just as much
Fishing rights and such!
Tell them to go
Otherwise we post
Battleships at most
Ports along the coast
You can have the West
We will take the rest

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
One moment, please, I think that these assure us exclusivity
For Western ports and other sorts of maritime activity
And if you mean to intervene, as is the Dutch proclivity
We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Wait please, hello, West is ours
Wait please, the East is the best coast
We'll trade you two on the West coast

[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello, no seaports on the West
United States too near to Czar
Is tempting fates, is go too far —
(Don't touch the coat!)

[ALL THE ADMIRALS]
Ah, détentes! Ah, détentes!
They're what everybody wants!
You should want a détente —
Makes a nation like a brother!
We'll be here every year
To protect you from each other
And to see you aren't
Signing foreign
Treaties and détentes!

Please hello! We must go
But our intercourse will grow
Through détente, as détente
Brings complete cooperation
By the way, we must say
We adore your little nation
And with heavy cannon
Wish you an un-
Ending please hello!!!