Christmas Is Bullshit
Well, Christmas is here
It sends shivers up my spine
'Cause this part of the year
Is my least favorite time

I don’t stuff stockings
I don’t buy dead trees
I only like shopping
If the shopping is for me

The food makes me fatter
Christmas cookies taste like wood
Ugly sweaters don’t flatter
And I prefer to look good

The weather is nasty
The crowds are insane
Don’t be mad at me
But I just gotta say

Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
I hate the music
And pretending winter is fun
It’s the worst season (Everybody knows it)
Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
I don’t wanna do it
Let me skip this one
So I can have fun
You can call me a killjoy
A curmudgeon, a grinch
But I call it like I see it
And I won’t give an inch

I don’t need Santa
I can buy shit for myself
I don’t care about
Job security for an elf

Traditions don’t matter
Sometimes they’re obscene
Let me give an example
So you see what I mean

Name one other time
You would ever drink eggnog
If you don’t like what I’m sayin’
You can suck my yule log, 'cause

Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
I hate the music
And pretending winter is fun
It’s the worst season (Everybody knows it)
Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
I don’t wanna do it
Let me skip this one
So I can have fun
Now, I know what you’re gonna say
You’re gonna say, “Maybe you don’t like Christmas because you haven’t met the right Christmas yet.”
But we all know that’s not how that works
I’ve tried Christmas 35 times
It’s not working for me
But they say, "Don’t complain about a problem without offering a solution."
Fine. Next year, no Christmas. Just two Halloweens!

Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
Nobody likes it
(Nobody likes it. Why do we do this to ourselves?)
All the smiles are fake
Nobody wants no fruitcake (throw that shit out)
(We don't have to eat fruitcake, no)
Christmas
Christmas is bullshit
We don’t have to do it
We can skip this one
(We can skip Christmas)
So we can have fun
This song is done