Loves Labours Lost in Space
[Restaurant. Leela is sat at a table with a date, a man called Doug.]

LEELA
This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions.

DOUG
You like the meal just wait until you try these after dinner mints.

LEELA
You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. Ew!

[Opening Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control] where available.]

[Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking coffee.]

FRY
What was wrong with your date last night?

LEELA
I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue.
AMY
You're too picky.

FRY
Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely.

LEELA
There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop...

[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk in. The others are sitting around the table.]

ZOIDBERG
The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.

[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]

AMY
You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig. But then later you realise he actually has a really good body.

LEELA
Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.

BENDER
That sounds like a cry for help.

AMY
Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
HERMES
The Federal Sex Bureau.

BENDER
A saucy puppet show.

ZOIDBERG
The rotting carcass of a whale.

AMY
Hmm, I'll pick!

[The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering platforms and strobe lightning. Everyone except Fry is wearing outfits with grooby rings.]

AMY
Oh, wow, it's a totally retro.

FRY
Why's everyone wearing those rings?

AMY
Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!

FRY
I think they look cool.
AMY
Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!

MAN
Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool?

AMY
Nope, he said they're stupid.

[The man shows a thumbs up.]

MAN
Cool!

[Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender are sat at a table with drinks.]

AMY
So what do you think of that guy by the bar?

LEELA
I don't know. Maybe?

BENDER
Forget it, he's gay.

LEELA
What?! How can you tell?

BENDER
I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar.

LEELA
There's no such thing.

BENDER
No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep! He's gay!

AMY
Are you sure?

BENDER
Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon.

[Fry talks to a woman at the bar.]

WOMAN
You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century.

FRY
No way! We've got so much in common.

WOMAN
We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity?

FRY
Uh, yeah! That rings a bell.

[Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.]

AMY
This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro circuit.

BOLT
Hello, beautiful!

BENDER
(whispering) I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit.

[Bolt chuckles.]

BOLT
I wish! Those cats can really fly.

[Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud is hovering where Bolt was.]

AMY
This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.

LEELA
That's great - really - but he's just not what I'm looking for.

M-5438
I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.

[He flies away. Amy sighs.]

AMY
You're impossible.

[Bender's gaydar beeps.]

BENDER
Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre.

[Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438, Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman. Bender is already outside.]

FRY
Psst, I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.

[He hands Bender some cash.]

BENDER
Can do!

[The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A janitor passes by her table, sweeping.]

JANITOR
My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you... Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.

[He runs off.]

[Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone is sat around the table drinking coffee.]

BENDER
So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time.

LEELA
Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?

FARNSWORTH
Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to.

FRY
A delivery?

FARNSWORTH
No. A tax-deductible mission of charity.

[He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a holographic image of a planet is projected over the table.]

COMPUTER VOICE
This is Vergon 6.

FARNSWORTH
This is Vergon 6.

AMY
Buh!

FARNSWORTH
It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.

LEELA
Animals?

FARNSWORTH
That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.

[The holographic Vergon 6 is filled with a black sphere.]

LEELA
Wait! What about the animals?

FARNSWORTH
Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.

[The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.]

LEELA
Yes, but what about the animals?

FARNSWORTH
The wha?

LEELA
The animals.

FARNSWORTH
I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.

LEELA
So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark.

BENDER
Why two? Oh!

[He giggles.]

[Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and Fry lean across the cockpit discussing things.]

FRY
I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.

BENDER
That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out.

FRY
Yeah, that'd be a timesaver.

[Leela is sat right behind them.]

LEELA
Do you mind?

BENDER
Here you go. You can use this as an eye-poker.

LEELA
Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident...

[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.]

LEELA
...maybe a snappy dresser.

[As the ship flies away a larger ship - the Nimbus - flies over the top.]

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain - Zapp Brannigan - stands admiring himself while his first officer Kif seems to do all the work. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little green alien and Zapp's physique is mostly made up of a huge, poorly contained gut.]

ZAPP
These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer?

KIF
I suppose, captain. I'm as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship?

[The Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen.]

ZAPP
Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it.

[Time Lapse.]

ZAPP
Captain's journal; star date 3000.3.

KIF
Who are you talking to, sir?

ZAPP
You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner...ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew can see the Nimbus through the windscreen.]

LEELA
Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.

FRY
Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?

LEELA
Uh-huh!

FRY
Who's the Zapp Brannigan?

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]

KIF
Shall I fire on them now, sir?

ZAPP
Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What?

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit]

LEELA
They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian system from a horde of rampaging Killbots.

FRY
Wow!

BENDER
A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!

LEELA
He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order Of Planets.

FRY
(teasing) Leela's got a boyfriend!

LEELA
No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals.

BENDER
Well just in case you guys hit it off you'll wanna take this with you.

[He holds up the fork.]

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

KIF
Sir, they're headed straight for us.

ZAPP
A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's Big Book Of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that...

KIF
Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.

ZAPP
Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box.

[The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]

LEELA
Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.

KIF
Well, if there's anything...

[Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]

ZAPP
I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?

LEELA
Oh, not at all. I'm just so uh...really thrilled to meet you!

ZAPP
You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination.

LEELA
(flattered) You don't mean that!

ZAPP
But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.

[He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]

FRY
I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something system.

ZAPP
The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.

FRY
Wow! I never would have thought of that!

ZAPP
You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won.

[Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.]

[Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif is grating cheese over Zapp's food.]

ZAPP
More, please. A little more...more...keep going.

[He carries on.]

LEELA
Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission.

ZAPP
Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right men?

[He raises his glass to the crew.]

CREWMAN
(shouting) You suck!

LEELA
We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just...

[Zapp spits out his drink.]

ZAPP
Vergon 6?! This light dinner is over.

LEELA
Wait! What's wrong?

ZAPP
The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law".

LEELA
But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow.

ZAPP
Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets mining crew.

LEELA
This doesn't make any sense.

ZAPP
I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

LEELA
Fine! We'll save the animals without your help.

ZAPP
I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!

[Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]

FRY
What just happened?

BENDER
He's throwing us in prison.

[Fry sighs.]

FRY
Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?

[He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.]

[Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway and gets electrocuted.]

LEELA
Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison.

BENDER
You really are too picky.

[Nimbus Corridor.]

ZAPP
Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do.

[Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]

KIF
Oh, jeez!

[Cut to: Nimbus Observation Deck.]

ZAPP
I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?

KIF
I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81.

ZAPP
You mean Brannigan's Law?

KIF
Right, that law.

ZAPP
Which one?

[Kif sighs.]

KIF
Brannigan's Law.

ZAPP
Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

KIF
Yes.

ZAPP
Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

KIF
The boy, sir?

ZAPP
You. You lay out my formal shorts.

[He disappears down the ladder.]

[Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following him.]

KIF
The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.

LEELA
Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.

KIF
And he wants you to wear this.

[Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door.]

ZAPP
Come and get it!

[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. The room is filled with candles and other crap. Zapp lies on his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself that is similar to the portrait of JFK.]

ZAPP
Welcome to my humble chamber. Or as I call it, "the Love-nasium". Shampagin?

LEELA
I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.

ZAPP
Well I have studied abroad. Or two!

[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking.]

LEELA
Captain...

ZAPP
Uh-huh?

LEELA
...if we could speak seriously for a moment...

ZAPP
Uh-huh?

LEELA
...I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals.

ZAPP
Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it very...(whispering)...erotic.

LEELA
What?

ZAPP
(shouting) Erotic!

[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]

[Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]

FRY
We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.

BENDER
Hey, yeah!

[He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts filling the room.]

FRY
No good! It's full of steam!

[Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]

ZAPP
You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.

LEELA
I'm not really in the mood.

ZAPP
Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go.

[He rolls over onto his back.]

LEELA
Can I please just go back to prison?

ZAPP
You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?

LEELA
Much rather! What are you doing?

ZAPP
(crying) Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the shampagin?

LEELA
No, and it's pronounced "sham-pane".

ZAPP
(crying) Oh, God, no!

LEELA
It's not a big deal.

ZAPP
(crying) I get so lonely. I just thought you - a fellow captain - would understand.

LEELA
Oh, forget it.

ZAPP
(crying) Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone.

LEELA
It comes with the job.

ZAPP
(crying) I'm just so lonely!

[He cries more.]

LEELA
Oh, come on, cheer up, it's not that bad.

[Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]

FRY
You wanna try escaping again?

BENDER
Nah, I'm comfy.

[They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created.]

FRY
Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan.

[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before... Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face. She screams.]

[Time Lapse. Leela has got dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp wakes up.]

ZAPP
Good morning, lover.

LEELA
Uh, listen, Zapp.

ZAPP
Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.

LEELA
Zapp, last night was a mistake.

ZAPP
A sexy mistake.

LEELA
No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.

[Zapp laughs.]

ZAPP
A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.

LEELA
The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away - from!

ZAPP
Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.

LEELA
Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.

ZAPP
Go ahead. I won't stop you.

LEELA
Threaten all you... wait, what?

ZAPP
We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy...Bam!

[He points at his crotch.]

LEELA
Eurgh!

[She storms out. Zapp chuckles.]

ZAPP
Kif!

[Kif appears in the doorway.]

KIF
Yes... Yes, captain?

ZAPP
I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

[Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]

KIF
The fatso says you're free to go.

FRY
Really? Why?

KIF
(quietly) "Why" indeed.

[He looks at Leela then walks off.]

FRY
What does that mean?

LEELA
(defensively) Nothing.

BENDER
So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?

LEELA
(defensively) We just talked, OK?!

[The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky. The planet is surreal and Dali-like.]

[Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship with huge nets.]

LEELA
Alright. We don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago.

[Montage: The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela tries to get the four-legged mimic which looks like a horse but copies people's head and movements. Fry holds a net and tries to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and it points back at her. Fry looks...and throws the net over Leela. Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]

[Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of its face and three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of its head.]

LEELA
Hello there. Hmm, he doesn't seem to be on the checklist.

BENDER
So you're saying we can cook him?

FRY
Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron.

LEELA
No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww, I'll call him Nibbler.

BENDER
Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill!

[Time Lapse.]

LEELA
I hope he'll be Ok in there with all those big animals.

[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them and then eats one whole.]

[Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp is looking at Leela through a telescope.]

ZAPP
Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore.

KIF
That's a shame, sir.

ZAPP
So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? Never mind. Just give me a back rub.

[Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]

BENDER
I found a pair of Hermaphlamingoes.

LEELA
Good. That's the last species.

[Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. The bay is nearly empty apart from Nibbler.]

BENDER
Hey. What the?

FRY
Where'd they all go?

[Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingoes, making lots of disgusting noises. The crew watch and cringe.]

LEELA
Nibbler!

FRY
I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal!

BENDER
He's pending for a bending.

[He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela and she picks him up.]

LEELA
Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums?

[The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]

FRY
The planet's kerploding!

[Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him back up.]

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

LEELA
Prepare for lift-off. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left.

BENDER
Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.

[The ground shakes again.]

FRY
Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.

LEELA
No way, forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!

FRY
What? What are you talking about?

LEELA
(defensively) Nothing. We just talked.

BENDER
So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God!

FRY
How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!

LEELA
That's enough. Don't you think I feel bad enough already?

FRY
No!

[The ground shakes more violently.]

LEELA
Alright, alright I'll call him. I mean if living is that important to you.

[Nimbus Bridge.]

ZAPP
And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Hmmm.

[Leela's face appears.]

LEELA
Hello, Zapp?

ZAPP
Well, well, well!

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

LEELA
Zapp, we're out of fuel...

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

LEELA
...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help.

ZAPP
So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.

LEELA
Birds don't crawl.

ZAPP
They've been known to.

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

LEELA
Look, are you going to rescue us or not?

ZAPP
Can't you ask a little more...sexfully?

[Fry and Bender encourage Leela.]

LEELA
(sexfully) Please...

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

LEELA
...Big Z?

ZAPP
Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast!

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

ZAPP
...Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety.

LEELA
I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!

ZAPP
And which one rocked your world?

[Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles off the screen.]

FRY
Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?

LEELA
Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death.

BENDER
Can do!

[He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge bang and the ship jerks backwards.]

BENDER
What the hell was that?

[Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big round black blob in Nibbler's litter tray.]

FRY
Pew!

[He fans the air in front of his nose.]

LEELA
I don't believe it! It's dark matter.

BENDER
So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?

LEELA
His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little... Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine.

[Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the floor towards the engine room.]

[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into the boiler.]

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses. They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]

LEELA
We made it! And some of the animals survived.

[She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing on a tiny fragment of rock.]

BENDER
So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission!

FRY
We're heroes!

[Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler is on her lap and she is stroking him.]

LEELA
(thinking) Dear Captain's Diary. I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good.

[She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up and throws it in the bin.]

[Outside Nimbus.]

ZAPP
Captain's journal; star date...uh...

[Kif sighs.]

KIF
April 13th.

ZAPP
April 13th...point two.

[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

ZAPP
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question!

[Kif sighs.]

THE END