Elderly Man River
Freberg: Just kidding, just kidding. But it's great to be with you tonight. We have a special--
Tweedly: Pardon me, Mr. Freberg, but my name is Tweedly
Freberg: Well, we all have our problems
Tweedly: I am the censor from the citizens radio committee. And, um... I feel--
Freberg: You uh... from the citizens radio committee, you say?
Tweedly: That's exactly what I said, yes. I--
Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here?
Tweedly: I must okay all the material used on your program here, and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary
Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something that YOU think is wrong?
Tweedly: Exactly. I'll just sound my little horn like this (buzzer). And then you stop, and I'll tell you what's wrong
Freberg: Uh, somehow I can tell this is gonna be one of those days
Tweedly: You just go right ahead, Mr. Freberg. Don't mind me
Freberg: Yeah, now I'd like to sing-- (buzzer)
Tweedly: You forgot to say "thank you", Mr. Freberg. Politeness is an essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on... children
Freberg: Why, that's a darling little horn there
Tweedly: Mmm-hmm
Freberg: Thanks very much, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure
Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of this week of National Mississippi Riverboat Paddlewheel Week. Mr., may I, if you please?
Tweedly: Very polite, Mr. Freberg
Freberg: Thank you
Old man river, that old-- (buzzer)
All right, Tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "old man river"?
Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation that some of the more elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution, please
Freberg: I suppose you insist
Tweedly: Precisely. You may continue
Freberg: Okay, music (buzzer)
Tweedly: You forgot to say--
Freberg: Thank you, yes, okay. Thank you, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're quite welcome, I am sure
Freberg:
Elderly man river, that elderly man river
He must know somethin', but he don't say nothin'. (buzzer)
All right, hold it, fellas. Now what, Tweedly?
Tweedly: The word "something", you left off the G
Freberg: But that's authentic. "Somethin'," "someTHIN'". That's the way the people... talk down there
Tweedly: I'm sorry. The home is a classroom, Mr. Freberg
Freberg: I know, you said that
Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And... But furthermore, think back. You'll recall that you said "but he don't say nothin'"
Freberg: Mmm-hmm
Tweedly: Now, really, Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative
Do you mean he DOES say something?
Freberg: No, I just wasn't using my head, I guess
Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct, keeping in mind--
Freberg: The tiny tots, yes
Tweedly: You probably mean he doesn't say anything
Freberg: I don't-- I suppose I mean that, yes, I guess. All right, uh fine, you win. All right, Billy, music (buzzer). Thank you, thank you
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure
Freberg:
Elderly man river, that elderly man river
He must know something, but he doesn't say anything
He just keeps rollin'-- rolling
He just keeps rolling along
He don't (buzzer) doesn't plant taters-- potatoes
He doesn't plant cotton/cotting
And then these/those that plants them are soon forgotting
But elderly man river, he just keeps rolling along
Tweedly: Excellent!
Freberg: Thank you
You and me-- (buzzer)
The uh, the tiny tots again, was it?
Tweedly: Exactly
Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go
You and I; we sweat, (buzzer) perspire and strain
Body's all aching and wracked with pain. Well, we got by that one
Tote that barge, lift that bail!
You get a little... [he slows down and stops here, since the rest of it is "drunk and you land in jail".]
Okay, take your finger off the button, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked. Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River" (buzzer). Oh, yes, and thank you for being with us, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure