Where do we go from here?
I read back to what I wrote and I hate it.
I’d like to reap what I sow.
I must have thought what I wrote was great when I wrote it.
But now it just makes me hate myself.
It doesn't help my self esteem but I’d rather be truthful.
I’d hate to be one of those people that think they’re good but people just feel too guilty to tell them that they are terrible.
But it’s whether I can cope with being terrible at my only hope that’s the issue.
Was the only one of my poems that got published a fluke?
Don’t feel too guilty to answer that, I certainly think it was a fluke.
I actually didn't write it as a poem when I wrote it.
My laptop was in front of me at a time when I felt like I had to release my emotions through something.
I didn't even know what I was writing.
Was it a poem, or what was it?
Am still not sure to this day.
But the people who published it seemed to be convinced that it was a poem.
I have a certificate to prove it.
But that’s not the issue. The issue is that everything else I've wrote after that was pure and utter shite. (I've just had to add the word shite on to my laptop’s dictionary. If it asked for a definition I would have copied and pasted one of my poems there)
I submitted a few poems out of the rush of getting published but I never got a response from ‘Young Poets’. They probably saw them, laughed so hard that they fell and paralysed themselves at how shite my poems were. I submitted other poems a few days ago with high hopes. Am now sober. Still no replies. At least I can walk away with ‘Nothing’. What about ‘Amor Fati’. Even God lets unspeakable things happen to human kind. I read that a priest saved Hitler from death when he was a young child. So clearly God wanted Hitler to be responsible of all those deaths. But God loves Jesus and Jesus was a Jew. How did Jesus feel about this plan? Did he seat their and think “Why are you letting 6 million of my own kind to die?” But I guess Jesus had to conform to this plan. He wasn't so happy with his cup of suffering but he willingly drank it because it was God’s will. Drifting out of the subject a little bit there. I have a 500 word commentary to write for English. What I've wrote so far is almost 500 words. If I had done the same but for the commentary, I’d be stress-free right now. I guess the reason why I drifted off was because my self-esteem was being wounded and a change of subject was its defence mechanism. I have no idea what I’ll do with this piece of writing. Is it good enough to be submitted anywhere? But that just leads us back to the whole issue of hating what I wrote. I’ll come back tomorrow and think this is a waste of time. I now sound like that broke poet with a low self-esteem... wait I am a broke poet with a low self esteem. That’s the first time I've referred to myself as a poet. It’s a good thing it’s written on steam. What I didn't like about Tao Lin is that his poetry portrayed him as though he hated himself. That’s ironic because I hate myself because of my poetry. Maybe a break would be good and it would give me space to re-collect my thoughts. Am sorry poetry, it’s not you, it’s me. I think we should take a break and then see where we go from there. Until next time. 