Child-Raising Advice
First, bear them, otherwise you won't have them.
To raise them, pick them up.
To unraise them, put them down again. Sounds obvious but........
Bear them, they'll grow on you.

Insert food.
Stick your elbow in their bathwater (I forget why) .
Do not dryclean.

Check for rattles. These are meant for external use only.
Although waterproof,
excessive exposure to the elements may damage their exteriors.
Tell your parents you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.

Tell everyone you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.
Be diplomatic about your friends' children (optional) .
Take offense when fools offer unasked for advice.

To improve reception, de-wax their ear canals.
To adjust brightness, vary the dose of red food colouring.
Remove wildlife.
Send them to school as soon as you're allowed.
That way it's the teacher's fault.
Choose their careers in this order- I.T. expert, plumber, dentist.
Lay down your life for them (Ha-ha! just joking) .

Repeat first line of second stanza and keep an account.
Skip and sing nursery rhymes in public.
You'll never have a better excuse.
Lastly, make sure you always get your turn on the swing.