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                     DAVE BARRY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS



                                Written by

                                Jeff Arch


                             From the book by

                                Dave Barry



                                                  February 2nd, 2004



                         FADE IN:

          EXT. MIAMI - OCEAN AVE, SOUTH BEACH - DAY

          Blazing sun. MUSIC everywhere. Everybody's living la vida.

          LEOPOLD (V.0.)
          And we're good to go.
          TWO MEN come out of the BEACON HOTEL. Loud Hawaiian shirts,
          walking a Chihuahua. They pause; take in the scene on Ocean.
          Adjust their EARPIECES.

          LEOPOLD (V.0.)
          Proceed to first checkpoint and hold.
          They thread their way to the corner... across the street.. .onto
          the Promenade. Under fat shady palm trees, to a CLEARING --

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. THE ROOF OF THE BEACON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS

          AGENT STEARNS has a RIFLE with a kick-ass scope. AGENT LEOPOLD
          watches through binoculars; talks through a collar mike.

                         LEOPOLD
          Okay sit tight. Company's coming.
          THROUGH BINOCULARS NOW, as TWO DEADLY MEN approach like
          barracudas. A THIRD GUY, BEHIND THEM, the KINGPIN they're
          protecting. Then as TREETOPS BLOCK THE VIEW --

                         LEOPOLD
          Shit. Hang on.
          Leopold scans, looking for them. Searching, until he FINDS --

                         LEOPOLD

                         WHOA --
          The Hawaiian Shirt Guys hear that. The SEE the Barracudas,
          getting nearer; steal a look at the roof...

                         CUT TO:

          POV FROM ROOFTOP - THROUGH BINOCULARS - A FANTASTIC BLONDE
          rinses off at an outdoor shower. Beads of spray skip off
          her like diamonds in the sunlight.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          2.

                         STEARNS
          Oh, mama.
          She bends, twists; water streams down every delicious curve.

                         LEOPOLD
          She sure is taking her time...

                         STEARNS
          She must be really salty...

                         LEOPOLD
          (shakes his head)
          It's not just the salt. She's got
          sunscreen on. Then the sand gets on
          that, and it sticks...
          (then still watching)
          Hell, one time I was in Hawaii? And
          these three models --

                         STEARNS
          Wait a minute.
          (looks at him)
          Hawaii.

                         LEOPOLD
          -- Shit!
          He WHIPS THE BINOCULARS back: but all that's left is the
          Chihuahua. Then, walking into the spot --

                         DAVE
          Hi, I'm Dave Barry. Has something
          like this ever happened to you?
          (bends down to pet

                         THE CHIHUAHUA)
          Because if you're a guy - or if you
          know someone who is - then what you've
          just seen should look pretty familiar.
          He picks up the Chihuahua, starts walking with it.

                         DAVE
          Scientists call this condition "Lust
          Induced Brain Freeze." It affects
          millions of guys, every day, in all
          walks of life -- causing anything
          from a mild embarrassment, to an
          international incident.
          He stops. Finds LEOPOLD and STEARNS and SEVERAL OTHER AGENTS
          pointing GUNS at him.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          3.

                         LEOPOLD
          Hand over the dog.

                         DAVE
          Hey. I didn't even know it was a
          dog.
          They take it from him; rush it away. Dave turns to CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          Notice I didn't say it's a condition
          that affects men every day -- only
          guys. And that subtle but important
          difference is one of the things this
          movie is about.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          A HUSBAND and his WIFE. He has suitcases by the front door.

                         WIFE
          You'll never get away with this.
          I'll sue you down to your last penny.

                         HUSBAND
          Good luck - I transferred everything
          we own into private accounts, where
          you can't touch it. In fact, as of
          now, you're broke.

                         WIFE
          But...why?

                         HUSBAND
          I've fallen in love with another
          woman. A younger woman. Prettier,
          with no cellulite. Actually, I think
          you'd like her.

                         WIFE
          You bastard.
          The IMAGE FREEZES. Dave walks into the room.

                         DAVE
          Now clearly, this woman is dealing
          with a Man.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          4.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Whereas Guys aren't capable of
          doing anything like what you just
          saw. Guys are more like this:

                         CUT TO:

          INT. A BAR/RESTAURANT - NIGHT

          A DIFFERENT HUSBAND sits across from his WIFE. Above and
          behind her is a TV with SportsCenter on.

                         WIFE
          I just want you to know, I've thought
          about this a lot.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          Mm.

                         WIFE
          And I've talked it over with everyone
          I know.

                         GUY HUSBAND

                         (NODS)
          Good.
          She looks down; stirs her soda.

                         WIFE
          So there's nothing left to do now,
          but leave you, forever, and only see
          you from across a shiny conference
          table with bloodthirsty lawyers all
          around it.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          (a beat; turns to her)
          -- Okay.

                         WIFE
          "Okay?" That's all you have to say?
          (then watching him)
          Well then I guess this is it.
          She pushes back from the table, starts off.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          Wait a minute.

                         (THEN)
          This can't be happening...
          The words she's waited for. She turns, relieved.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         GUY HUSBAND
          (to the tv)
          How can you dQ that? How can you
          trade Lupenza?
          (then to the BARTENDER)
          What's the matter with these people?

                         BARTENDER
          Beats me. I saw this on the eight
          o'clock.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          He's the backbone of the whole team!
          They're pikers without Lupenza!

                         WIFE
          I'll see you in court.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          -- I gotta call Lenny.
          He takes out his cell phone. She levels a look.

                         WIFE
          Maybe you should call your lawyer
          too.

                         GUY HUSBAND
          If he could hit left-handed pitching,
          I would.

                         (THEN)
          Lenny. Pick up -- the Yankees got
          Lupenza!
          The IMAGE FREEZES.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. A FRONT PORCH - DAY

          Two OLD PEOPLE on a glider. LENORE talks directly to CAMERA.
          ALBERT'S absorbed with some device that we can't see.

                         LENORE
          Well when I met him, I didn't know
          so much. About guys, or men or what
          have you -- we just didn't talk about
          such things then. In fact, I didn't
          see him naked until quite well into
          our marriage. When was it Albert?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          6.

                         ALBERT
          A year ago. By accident.

                         LENORE
          Anyway. I thought I was marrying a
          man, but didn't know that in his
          heart, he was a guy.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          When did you first suspect?

                         LENORE
          Not long after the wedding. But it
          didn't bother me. I just didn't
          know how to recognize the signs.
          But we've learned to live with it.
          Haven't we, Albert?
          (then after a beat)
          Albert.

                         ALBERT
          It's twelve hundred and thirty-one
          miles from this spot right here, to
          Cleveland.

                         LENORE
          What does that have to do with
          anything?
          He holds up the device - handheld GPS.

                         ALBERT
          Six hundred fifty-one from Atlanta.

                         LENORE
          Who cares how far we are from Atlanta?

                         ALBERT
          You have a cousin there.

                         LENORE
          Albert. There's a person here asking
          us questions. There's a film crew
          here.
          He looks up at the CAMERA, as if just noticing someone there.
          Then holding up the GPS --

                         ALBERT
          You. Where do you live.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          Here in Miami.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ALBERT
          What part.
          Lenore buries her head.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY

           Dave walks down a crowded street. Colorful day life.

                         DAVE
          Like a lot of big cities, Miami is
          known for its sizeable population of
          guys. So we came here to take the
          city's pulse on the subject.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. A SECRETARY'S OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY

          A young, pretty, single SECRETARY.

                         SECRETARY
          Let me put it this way. Everyone I
          ever dated was a male. I mean they
          were all men. But only some of them
          were guys. You know?

          DAVE (O.S.)
          I see.

                         SECRETARY
          (thinks about it)
          -- The guys were funnier. But the
          men were more responsible. You could
          almost half-believe them when they
          told you something sometimes.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          So, if you were to meet someone that
          was funny and responsible...

                         SECRETARY
          That would be a woman.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. EQUESTRIAN ESTATE - STABLES - DAY

           A 20-ish HORSE GROOMER talks to the CAMERA while she combs
          out a mane.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          8.

                         HORSE GROOMER
          Well guys, they're sort of like your
          older brother. And men are like
          your dad.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          In what way?

                         HORSE GROOMER
          Your older brother doesn't have to
          grow up. Your dad came that way.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BARN - DAY

          Dave walks out of the barn towards CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          So now you have some background on
          basic guy attributes. But before we
          move on, let's look at one more scene
          and see where you stand --

                          CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE"

          INT. ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

          ELAINE works at a window desk. ROGER watches NFL on FOX.

                         JOHN MADDEN

                         (ON TV)
          -- now that's the kind of middle
          linebacker you like to see. He's
          got the mud all over him, he's got
          the bleeding knuckles, he's got the
          clumps of grass all jammed in his

                         HELMET --

                         ELAINE
          Roger?

                         ROGER
          (to the tv)
          Oh man you gotta show that again
          Shepauses; chews her pen...

                         ELAINE
          Roger...I think I really love you.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         9

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          (looks over there)
          But I can't bear the uncertainty
          anymore, of where this relationship
          is going.
          Roger turns...

                         ELAINE
          I'm not asking whether you want to
          get married. Only whether you believe
          that we have some kind of a future
          together. That you, and I - have a
          future.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Now this is just what you want in a
          playoff game. You got snow, you got
          mud, you got a lead that keeps
          changing, you got two great teams
          that just hate each other to the
          bone and would rather die than give
          up...
          Roger looks...then takes the REMOTE and TURNS OFF THE TV -
          waving Elaine over, who cuddles into him.

                         ROGER
          I've been thinking too, Elaine. And
          for the first time in my life, I'm
          feeling like I might really be close
          to a lasting commitment. I haven't
          said anything up until now because
          it's always been important to me
          that I not mislead you. But yes,
          Elaine. I want to think that we dQ
          have a future. And with a little
          more time, I think I could be sure.

                         ELAINE
          Oh, Roger...
          He smiles. Strokes her hair and pulls her in even closer.
          They share a long deep sigh together, As the PICTURE FREEZES
          and DAVE WALKS IN.

                         DAVE
          If this was how you responded, you're
          not a guy. You may not even exist.
          (then taking the remote)
          On the other hand...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          10.

          ROGER AND ELAINE DIGITALLY REWIND BACK TO THEIR EARLIER

          POSITIONS. DAVE RESTARTS THE ACTION AS ELAINE IS SAYING --

                         ELAINE
          I'm not asking whether you want to
          get married. Only whether you believe
          that we have some kind of a future
          together. That you, and I - have a
          future.
          (then looking at him)
          Roger?

                         ROGER
          (engrossed in game)
          What.
          FREEZE on her look, and --

                         DAVE

                         (TO CAMERA)
          If that was you...you're a guy.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. A DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

          SHERYL CROW talks to the CAMERA before going onstage. The
          muffled SOUNDS of the warmup band O.S.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Well there were always guys at my
          shows - right from the beginning. I
          mean you start out playing beer halls,
          right? So when you have beer, you
          have guys. And it sorta just grew
          from there. But I was okay with it.
          They didn't cause much trouble.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          And what about men.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Men cause trouble.

                         (THEN)
          But that's okay too. I get half my
          songs from that.

          DAVE (O.S.)
          So it all works out.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          11.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Long as they buy the records...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MIAMI PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY

          Dave walks along the stacks in the ANTHROPOLOGY SECTION.

                         DAVE
          So where did this all start? Many
          experts now think they know where
          men came from, but what about Guys?
          where did they come from?
          He stops, peels off a THICK BOOK full of science things.

                         DAVE
          To answer this question accurately,
          we might have to look something up.
          So instead we'll travel back to
          prehistoric sub-Saharan Africa, and
          get there just in time for the Dawn
          of Guys.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE DAWN OF GUYS"

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. PREHISTORIC AFRICA - MOONLIGHT

          The endless expanse. A cluster of caves. SOUND EFX of all
          kinds of nasty shit out there. Skittering over rocks.
          Slithering through the grasses. Bigger predators, circling...
          A ROOSTER cocks his head back and CROWS out.

                         CUT TO:

          TNT. ONE OF THE CAVES
          PRIMATE ROGER opens one eye...SEES PRIMATE ELAINE, PRIMATE
          KIDS and PRIMATE IN-LAWS. Hairy grunting things, all sleeping
          in a protective clump...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          12.
          He rolls over, back to sleep. But the ROOSTER CROWS again...

                         CUT TO:

           THE ROOSTER, COOKING ON AN OPEN FIRE

                          CUT TO:

          EXT. THE CAVES - MORNING

          PRIMATE ROGER comes out. A sleepy nod at PRIMATE GENE and
          OTHER PRIMATES, as they take up LARGE JAGGED ROCK SLABS
          leaning against their caves and start off. In a few million
          years they'll be leaving suburban driveways this way.

          EXT. TRAIL FROM CAVE AREA - CAVES IN B.G. - MORNING

          PRIMATE ROGER and PRIMATE GENE have joined PRIMATE LENNY and
          PRIMATE PHIL. All carrying their slabs of jagged rocks.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!

                         (SUBTITLE)

                         0
          -- and that's why wildebeests are so
          mean.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          Grunt grunt!0
          Ha ha!

                         PRIMATE LENNY
          Grunt grunt grunt! 0
          That's really funny!

                         PRIMATE PHIL
          Grunt ...0
          I don't get it...
          The other three look at him.

          EXT. THE CAVE AREA - DAY

          PRIMATE WOMEN work in stooped-over positions, trying to pound
          roots and tend fires while BABY PRIMATES crawl all over them.
          They HEAR the Primate Guys' laughter trailing off. They
          trade looks; Something seems to pass between them...

          EXT. HUNTING GROUNDS - DAY

          Primates Roger, Gene, Lenny and Phil get to the grounds and
          SEE PRIMATES PETE and LOUIE already there. These two don't
          have the rock slabs though.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         13

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Grunt grunt?0
          Whassup?

                         PRIMATE PETE
          Grunt grunt grunt. 0
          Nothing. We've been hunting.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          Grunt grunt? 0
          Where are your jagged rock slabs?

                         PRIMATE LOUIE
          Grunt? â
          Slabs?
          (looks at Primate

                         PETE)
          Grunt grunt grunt? â
          Who needs slabs?
          Primate Pete laughs with him; then holds up a ROUND ROCK,
          about the size of a grapefruit. Primate Roger and Primate
          Gene trade looks with Primate Lenny and Primate Phil.
          Grunting/subtitles continue.

          FIRST FOUR PRIMATES
          Ooooohhhh.
          Ooooohhhh.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Where'd you get that?

                         PRIMATE PETE
          Primate Discount Manny. He just got
          them in.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Mind if I have a look?

                         PRIMATE PETE
          Be my guest.
          He hands it over. Primate Roger lays down his jagged rock
          slab to check it out. His buddies gather round.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          How do you kill an animal with that?

                         PRIMATE LOUIE
          You throw it.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          14.

                         PRIMATE LENNY
          You mean you don't chase the old
          ones until they get tired and then
          hit them with the jagged rock slabs?

                         PRIMATE PETE
          (shakes his head)
          You can stand in one place all day.
          And when they go by, you just let
          loose.
          He shows a throwing motion. The first four look intrigued.

                         PRIMATE LOUIE
          You can carry more than one - and if
          you're throwing uphill, it rolls
          back down if you miss. It's so much
          easier with these.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          -- I'm sticking with mine.
          (then off their looks)
          We've been using these jagged slabs
          forever. And you know why? Because
          they work. And anyway, killing them
          is only half of it -- how are you
          gonna skin a wildebeest with that?
          They look at Primate Pete: Yeah, how? But he's there.

                         PRIMATE PETE
          We get the women to do it.
          They look among themselves. They like it. But then.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          How?

                         PRIMATE PETE
          -- I'm working on it.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. THE CAVE AREA - SUNSET

          The PRIMATE WOMEN are still, pounding roots and tending fires
          and dealing with climbing PRIMATE KIDS. They HEAR SHOUTS
          O.S.; gather and go to the ridge where they SEE

          POV FROM RIDGE --
          The PRIMATE GUYS are coming back, without their jagged slabs
          and without any animals. But they are having great fun:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          15.
          running in primitive patterns, and throwing one of the ROCKS
          back and forth and chasing whoever has it. It looks like
          the beginnings of rugby, or Australian Rules Football, in
          terms of all they need now is beer.
          The PRIMATE WOMEN watch. And trade looks. Once more,
          something seems to pass between them...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. PRIMATE CAVE - NIGHT

          Primate Roger and Primate Elaine try to keep it down for the
          Primate Kids' sake.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          (grunting, subtitled)
          Please don't tell me you got rid of
          your jagged rock slab.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          But these are great!

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          But you didn't kill anything.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Nobody's going with jagged slabs
          anymore.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          But the kids are hungry.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          What about your pounded roots?

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Pounded roots are a side dish. They
          need balance in their diets.
          (then off his look)
          And another thing - suppose you do
          start bringing animals home using
          this -- who's going to skin and clean
          them?
          He looks at her-the SOUND of TOMORROW'S ROOSTER CROWING as

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. THE CAVE - MORNING

          Primate Roger comes out of the cave, with his rock. He gives
          it such a look.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          16.
          Then looking up at the sky he hurls it, up as high as he
          can...

          AND THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THE ROCK, UP, UP, IN SLOW MOTION,

          PEAKING, THEN STARTING ITS DESCENT BACK TO EARTH -- ONLY NOW

          IT'S NOT A ROCK BUT A WINDOWS --

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          -- which ROGER is holding, across from ELAINE on the couch.

                         ELAINE
          Five hundred dollars?

                         ROGER
          It can hold a thousand addresses.

                         ELAINE
          So can my address book.

                         ROGER
          Can your address book pick up your
          em-ail?

                         ELAINE
          No but my computer can.

                         ROGER
          Well this can do both.

                         ELAINE
          For five hundred dollars it should
          give me a manicure, Roger! It should
          drive me home from work at night!
          HOW could you spend that kind of
          money without discussing it first?
          On Roger's look...the PICTURE FREEZES. Dave walks in.

                         DAVE
          There's a whole list of things a guy
          is supposed to discuss first.
          Unfortunately, he never knows what
          they are until he's already not
          discussed them.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          17.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          To a girl it's a pain in the butt.
          But to a guy - some things just come
          naturally...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. THE PROW OF A SHIP - DAY

          Shrouded in fog. EXPLORER ROGER scans the horizon through a
          spyglass. Next to him is long-suffering EXPLORER ELAINE.

                         EXPLORER ELAINE
          Well did you ask?

                         EXPLORER ROGER
          This is a shortcut.
          Explorer Elaine shakes her head. Dave enters.

                         DAVE
          There's a very simple reason why
          guys don't ask for directions. It's
          because they know that if they do,
          someone else - most likely Visigoths -
          will come and steal their woman.
          CAMERA PANS to the side rails, where a CLUSTER OF HUNGRY
          VISIGOTHS nod, slobbering, confirming this.

                         EXPLORER ELAINE
          I just want to get to Colonial
          America.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUYS IN COLONIAL AMERICA"

          EXT. BOSTON HARBOR - NIGHT

          A bunch of GUYS dressed as Indians are throwing barrels into
          the water. A COLONIAL REPORTER interviews COLONIAL ROGER.

                         COLONIAL REPORTER
          -- and this is your way of expressing
          the public outrage over the high-
          handed anti-democratic actions of
          the British Government in general
          and King George III in specific?

                         COLONIAL ROGER
          (looks a little nervous)
          Uh, yeah.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          18.

                         COLONIAL REPORTER
          Might I ask, sir, whose idea was
          this?

                         COLONIAL ROGER

                         (POINTS)
          Guy over there.

                         COLONIAL REPORTER
          The one drinking coffee?

                         COLONIAL ROGER
          That's him. His name's Starbuck.
          He said to get rid of all the tea.

                         COLONIAL REPORTER

                         (NODS; THEN)
          I see. One more question. Aren't
          those Greek fraternity letters painted
          on your chest?
          The Guy looks; GREEK LETTERS in greasepaint.

                         COLONIAL ROGER
          I didn't do that.
          (then as the Reporter

                         WAITS)
          Don't tell anyone.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY

          FOUR MIAMI GIRLS, ethnically cross-sectioned. LILA. MIA.

          SIDRA. KARLA E.

                         LILA
          Well that's pretty much how it is
          right now, right? They don't grow
          up. Or, they grow up, but they
          don't change.

                         MIA

                         (NODS)
          You want to know how to spot a guy,
          there's your first clue: Look for an
          otherwise man who did not grow up.

                         SIDRA
          No they grow up all right -- but
          only just enough - you know?

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          19.

                         SIDRA (CONT'D)
          Like they'll meet the absolute minimum
          requirements of being a man, but
          that's it. The rest of the time
          they're fourth-graders. Walking
          fourth-graders.

                         KARLA E
          More like driving fourth graders.

                         SIDRA
          With credit cards.

                         LILA
          And a phone.

                         MIA
          And give them ten minutes on their
          own? Or put them in with other guys?
          Now you've gone nuclear.

                         KARLA E
          Please.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BURGER KING - DAY

          The lot is filled with 60's and 70's cars. Dave gets out of
          a CHEVY VEGA; has mutton-chop sideburns, talks to CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          In learning to understand Guys today,
          it's important to remember that these
          same guys, only yesterday, were just
          kids.

                         CUT TO :

          INT. BURGER KING - DAY

          A table of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS: punching, eating, climbing all
          over each other. One poor luckless DAD with them.

          BURGER KING DAD
          Stop punching!

          BURGER KING KID
          We're not punching!

          BURGER KING DAD
          You are too punching - now stop! We
          didn't come here to punch!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          20.
          They stop; look at him as if he's crazy. Then one of them
          notices ROGER AT 8 looking O.S.

          BURGER KING KID
          Hey Roger's got a girlfriend.

                         ROGER AT 8
          I do not!

          BURGER KING KID
          Then what're you looking at!

                         ROGER AT 8
          Nothing!
          And they start punching again. The Dad looks up - so weary...

                         DAVE

                         (AT COUNTER)
          Here we can see where even at an
          early age, guy behavior is already
          well developed along complex patterns
          that social scientists have called,
          "jerks." While girls at the same
          age are referred to by the same social
          scientists, as "human beings."

          ANGLE ON A TABLE FULL OF GIRLS - INCLUDING ELAINE AT AGE 8
          They are all chatting nicely, passing out napkins and ketchup
          packets making sure everyone has what they need. While the
          MOTHER that brought them quietly reads a novel.

                         DAVE
          See? Humans.
          He walks past with his takeout order. As ELAINE at 8 notices
          Roger, blushing, taking all this punishment because of her.

          BURGER KING DAD
          (as Dave exits)
          Will you please stop punching!

                         CUT TO:

          INT. NOTED PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE - DAY

          Dave sits across from a BRITISH GUY with a SUBTITLE saying,
          "Noted Pediatrician. " He has a laser pointer and a
          powerpoint presentation.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          21.

                         DAVE
          Where are we in the area of Guy
          Violence, Doctor.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
          Well first, one must understand the
          inherent differences in DNA and cell
          structure as relates to men and women.

                         (CLICKING SLIDES)
          For example, all women have a gene
          that makes them have the need for
          meaningful conversations. Likewise,
          all men have a gene in them that we
          scientists believe is directly related
          to violence.

                         DAVE
          And what can be done about that.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
          well, some of my esteemed colleagues
          are quite keen on the idea of
          tampering with the DNA itself - an
          idea with which I heartily disagree.
          The bastards...

                         DAVE
          Then what would you recommend.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
          Me? Well they can start by spreading
          out the funding a little bit. Let a
          few other scientists wet their beaks.
          I mean what's the point of rewarding
          the same tired old hacks, year after

                         YEAR --

                         DAVE
          I meant about Guy Violence.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT

                         OH --
          (then shifting back)
          Well nothing, really. I mean, what
          can you do. Short of lobotomizing
          them, anyway. No I suppose we'll
          just have to continue to channel
          their aggression into socially
          acceptable outlets. Like professional
          wrestling, or the space program.

                         DAVE
          I see. Can I ask you a question?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          22.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
          Certainly.

                         DAVE
          Where'd you get that laser pointer.

                         SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
          It's mine.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY

          Dave stands in front of the entrance.

                         DAVE
          A lot of work has been done in the
          field of children's toys and how
          they unconsciously reinforce gender
          roles. Studies have found that over
          ninety-three per cent of this work
          is done by researchers who don't
          have children of their own. But to
          test the theory anyway, we're here
          at Toy World Warehouse Planet.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY

          Dave shepherds new father GENE up to the CUSTOMER HELP
          counter.

                         DAVE
          Hi! My friend here is looking for
          toys for his son that are gender
          neutral, environmentally sound, and
          culturally unbiased!

                         SALES GUY
          Here it is.
          He brings up a box with a picture of a spinning top on it.

          NEW FATHER GENE
          What's it do?

                         SALES GUY
          It's recyclable.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          23.

          NEW FATHER GENE
          Where are the trucks and guns.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. TOY WORLD PARKING LOT - DAY

          New Father Gene meets up with NEW MOTHER KELLY at the car.
          She came from GROCERY WORLD; he helps load up the bags...

          NEW MOTHER KELLY
          What's this?

          NEW FATHER GENE
          (looks, sees the toy

                         STORE BOX)
          Oh I got that for Benjy.

          NEW MOTHER KELLY
          You were supposed to get a rattle.

          NEW FATHER GENE
          All the rattles were recalled.

          NEW MOTHER KELLY
          So you bought a tank.

          NEW FATHER GENE
          Wait'll you see what this can do,
          baby. Benjy's gonna love it.

          NEW MOTHER KELLY
          Oh yeah? Can he shake it? Will it
          rattle?

          NEW FATHER GENE
          Rattle? This thing'll bring down a
          bookshelf!
          She looks at him. He'll be returning the thing within
          seconds. CAMERA PANS to Dave, who shrugs.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. DETROIT - ED'S AUTO SHOP - DAY

          A rundown place with junked cars out front. ED's an intense
          little guy in a Tigers' hat and a couple major tattoos.

                         ED
          Well I'm into fireworks. I like to
          take 'em apart, you know. And study
          'em. See what makes 'em tick.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          24.
          He shows Dave a box with ASSORTED FIREWORKS inside.

                         ED
          I just got these from Ohio. I don't
          think they're as good as the ones I
          got from Tennessee. Not as loud,
          you know?

                         DAVE
          Well no, if loud is your --

                         ED
          If you want to hear loud - listen to
          this.
          He goes over to a different box, takes out what looks like a
          stick of dynamite. Gets ready to light it; turns to CAMERA.

                         ED
          You may want to step back a couple
          hundred yards.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DAVE'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY

          As Ed's Auto Shop recedes in the background - with a LOUD
          EXPLOSION accompanying -

                         DAVE
          So when we see guys like Ed, and his
          fireworks - or guys shooting marine
          flares into innocent pumpkins, or
          building catapults that'll throw a
          Buick - we should not condemn them.
          We should not assume these are just
          pointless juvenile activities.
          Instead we should be convinced they
          are, and move on to Guys in the
          Workplace.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. CITY STREET - PHILADELPHIA - DAY

          A PHILADELPHIA GIRL stands outside a CHEESESTEAK PLACE.

                         PHILADELPHIA GIRL
          Guys at work? Or guys doing work.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          25.

          PHILADELPHIA GIRL (CONT'D)
          I mean unless you want to talk about
          faxing or emailing their stupid jokes
          back and forth. Sick jokes.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. WALL STREET - DAY

          Dave and a SEASONED BROKER eat HOT DOGS from a CORNER CART.

                         BROKER
          Ten, fifteen years ago? A guy would
          call you up with some joke he just
          heard. So you wanna pass it on,
          it's by phone. One person at a time.
          Then a while later, some guy calls
          you up with the same exact joke.
          Then when group faxing came in, it
          really sped things up. Next thing
          you know there's like ten faxes on
          your machine, from places you never
          even heard of. Places around the
          world, I'm saying.

                         DAVE
          And how long would that take.

                         BROKER
          A run of the mill, 'guy walks into a
          bar' joke, those'd take about .a. week
          to come back to you. The topical
          ones, your mass murders and tragic
          accidents and the like, they're
          naturally gonna have a lot more heat
          on them and they'll circulate a lot
          quicker. I mean no one's gonna sit
          on a Princess Diana joke until three
          weeks after the crash. No one i
          know, anyway.

                         (THEN CHEWING)
          Now there's the internet -- and what
          used to take a week'll take like
          seconds. I'm telling you it's getting
          harder and harder to keep up.

                         DAVE
          A lot of people don't understand the
          attention and the kind of importance
          these jokes have.

                         BROKER
          Who.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          26.

                         BROKER (CONT'D)

                         (THEN)
          Oh you mean women? Well, you know -
          what's the importance of having
          fifteen pairs of shoes?

                         DAVE
          No one knows that.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE"

          INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY

          Roger is slumped across the back seat; messed-up clothes and
          in obvious pain. Elaine drives; talks to CAMERA.

                         ELAINE
          So I get this call at work.
          (then to Roger back

                         THERE)
          You want to tell this?

                         ROGER
          Its just a sprain.

                         ELAINE
          (shakes her head)
          I get on the phone and they say he's
          okay - but maybe I should come down
          to the paper and get him. Does he
          look okay?

                         ROGER
          It's a sprain. It just looks worse.

                         ELAINE
          Not the way I heard it.

                         CUT TO:

          TNT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - EARLIER THAT DAY
          Roger's at his desk; can't help but HEAR PATRICK, TOM and
          GENE talking nearby.

                         PATRICK
          He's how old?

                         TOM
          High school. A sophomore.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          27.

                         GENE
          Big deal. I could run the forty
          that fast.

                         TOM
          You and who - the Flash? This kid
          set a national record.

                         GENE
          Yeah? What nation.

                         BACK TO:

          TNT. ELAINE'S CAR - CONTINUING

                         ELAINE

                         (TO ROGER)
          Tell me something. If the article
          was about a poem there wouldn't be
          an argument - would there.

                         ROGER
          Why would there be an article about
          a poem.

                         ELAINE
          I'm just saying. I don't see the
          four of you fighting over who can
          write the better sonnet.

                         ROGER
          So?

                         ELAINE
          So no one gets hurt writing sonnets.

                         ROGER
          (off her look; then)
          It's a sprain.

                         BACK TO:

          INT. THE NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY

          Roger listens more agitated as the argument mounts.

                         GENE
          When did you last run the forty?

                         PATRICK
          Hey. I could beat you in the forty
          running backwards.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          28.

                         TOM
          You couldn't even beat your butt
          running backwards.

                         ROGER
          (from his desk)
          Will you guys cut it out?
          They stop. Look at him.

                         ROGER
          The kid in the story's in high school.
          You're not. You're supposed to be
          adults and you're bragging about who
          can beat who in a stupid footrace.

                         TOM
          No one's bragging.

                         PATRICK
          Gene's just saying he can run the
          forty in under six seconds.

                         ROGER
          Hey. I can do it in under six
          seconds.
          FREEZE THE PICTURE, on their expressions. BRING UP "CHARIOTS

          OF FIRE" MUSIC

                         DISSOLVE T0:

          EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

          The FOUR GUYS crouch in their starting stance. A SECRETARY
          stands at the end of a marked-off course with a stopwatch
          and a whistle. She blows the whistle. They're off.

          SLOW MOTION WITH MUSIC
          All four guys explode off the line. Patrick gets five strides
          and goes down. Tom gets two more and falls, howling in pain.
          Then Gene and Roger, neck and neck for at least three more
          strides until Roger HEARS A "POP," that ECHOES over the music,
          and goes toppling down. As Gene finishes alone - gripping
          his side in awful pain but pumping his fist in victory.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          29.

          MUSIC FADES AS

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          Elaine comes in; Roger, limping and leaning heavily on her.

                         ELAINE
          I don't know why I listened to you.
          You need to see a doctor.

                         ROGER
          It's a sprain, Elaine.

                         ELAINE
          Roger you can't walk.

                         ROGER
          It'll work itself out.
          She gives him a look. Parks him long enough to close the
          door behind him. Without her support, he drops to the floor.
          She turns to the CAMERA.

                         ELAINE
          Why won't they go to the doctor?

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          British, white coat, stethoscope.

                         DOCTOR
          Here's why.
          He holds up a RUBBER GLOVE. Dangles it harmlessly.

                         DOCTOR
          I don't care who they are. If they
          think there's even a chance their
          doctor will use one of these - and
          they always assume there is - they
          won't come in.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          30.

                         DOCTOR (CONT'D)
          (puts it away, shakes

                         HIS HEAD)
          If there's anything out there that
          would bring them in... it hasn't
          been invented yet.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC"

          EXT. FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC - DAY

          It says so on the SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN, like an international
          road sign, has a graphic of a HAND IN A RUBBER GLOVE with a
          RED LINE through it. There are also SPORTS TEAM BANNERS.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY

          The DOCTOR checks a GUY'S chart. There's a TV with ESPN on
          in the exam room.

                         GUY DOCTOR
          What seems to be the problem?

                         GUY PATIENT
          Well the main thing is, I keep
          coughing up blood. And I get these
          really severe chest pains, and double
          vision sometimes. And every night
          at sunset, little worms come burrowing
          out of my skin.

                         GUY DOCTOR
          It's just a sprain.

                         GUY PATIENT
          That's what I thought.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUY FEELINGS"

          INT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY

          Karla E, Mia, Lila and Sidra again, with Dave.

                         DAVE
          A lot has been said about how guys
          don't share their feelings.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         31

                         KARLA E
          You mean they have them?

                         MIA
          Or they have them and don't
          acknowledge them.

                         LILA
          Or they don't think that others have
          them.

                         SIDRA
          Or they just don't think.

                         DAVE
          (as they agree on

                         THAT)
          -- Is it possible that they do have
          feelings, they do acknowledge them
          and they do know others have them -
          but they just don't express it the
          same way?
          Four blank faces look at him. Then.

                         KARLA E
          Sports. They have feelings about
          sports.

                         LILA
          And their underwear.

                         (POLLS THEM)
          You ever try and throw out their
          underwear?

                         MIA
          Once. I nearly lost my life.

                         SIDRA
          They act like it's so sacred. I've
          seen pairs of briefs with holes in
          them larger than the leg holes.
          (as the others nod)
          I tried to throw a pair out once?
          And sneak it past him? He went out
          into the garbage and found them. He
          said he couldn't trust me after that.

                         KARLA E
          Tell me what that's all about.

                         SIDRA
          I don't even want to think about it.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          32.

                         DAVE
          (off their reactions)
          So you agree then, that guys at least
          have feelings.

                         MIA
          They just waste them. That's all.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. SUBURBAN TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT

          ROGER and ELAINE get out of Roger's car. Elaine has an
          armload of magazines.

                         ELAINE
          Now remember. Gene's dad is real
          sick. Kelly says he doesn't talk
          about it. So see if you can draw
          him out.

                         ROGER
          He already did talk about it.

                         ELAINE
          Oh? What did he say?

                         ROGER
          He said his dad is real sick.
          She gives him a look. Gets to the door.

                         ROGER
          What are those?

                         ELAINE
          Kelly's boss is turning forty.

                         ROGER
          So you're giving her magazines?

                         ELAINE
          (a look; then)
          Just see if you can get him to talk.

                          CUT TO:

          INT. DEN - NIGHT

          There's a GAME on. Gene sort of stares. Roger has a SHOEBOX
          on his lap; goes through Gene's SEGA cartridges.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          33.

                         ROGER
          Galaxians. Far out...

                         GENE
          (while Roger keeps

                         LOOKING)
          Can you believe the Yankees got
          Lupenza.

                         ROGER
          They get everybody.

                         GENE
          I know. They suck.

                         ROGER
          I know.
          Silence. Roger pulls out two cartridges, compares them.

                         GENE
          I got to Level 24 of Arkanoids.

                         ROGER

                         (TURNS)
          -- You're kidding.
          Gene shakes his head. He's not. This is big.

                         ROGER
          You've seen the Evil Presence?
          (then off his look)
          What's it look like?
          Gene shrugs; even the best of friends. Roger understands.
          CAMERA PANS to Dave.

                         DAVE
           Believe it or not, ladies - that was
          sharing.
           (then nods to kitchen)
           And believe it or not, guys - so is

                         THIS --

                          CUT TO:

          INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

          Elaine and Kelly with magazines and writing pads.

                         ELAINE
          Well I don't know. How do you think
          she feels about getting older?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         34

                         KELLY
          I don't know... I know how I felt.
          How did you feel about it?

                         ELAINE
          How does anybody feel.

                         KELLY

                         (NODS)
          So you think she'll want a smaller
          gathering?

                         ELAINE
          Well if we go that way, we know who
          to invite.

                         KELLY
          But then who do we not invite.

                         ELAINE
          Exactly. And how are they going to
          feel about that.

                         KELLY
          So maybe we should make it a slightly
          larger gathering.

                         ELAINE
          -- Depends on the food, I guess. I
          mean, if we go with a larger
          gathering...

                         KELLY
          Exactly.

                         ELAINE
          (finds the right

                         MAGAZINE)
          I saw something earlier in here about
          low-fat hors d'oeuvres.

                         KELLY
          Oh - I've seen that one too.
          They open to the article, scanning it.

                         ELAINE
          Hmm.

                         KELLY
          Hmm.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          35.

                         ELAINE
          You thinking what I'm thinking?

                         KELLY
          That if we have low fat hors d'oeuvres
          she'll think we noticed she's gaining
          weight?

                         ELAINE
          Exactly.

                         KELLY

                         (CONSIDERS THAT)
          Maybe just blow it out, you know? I
          mean it's a party. Go with the high
          fat.

                         ELAINE
          Thinking she won't think we've noticed
          the weight gain.

                         KELLY
          Unless she thinks that's insensitive.
          You know, that we hadn't noticed...

                         ELAINE
          Hmm...
          They close the magazine, look through the others when:

                         KELLY
          How about medium fat hors d'oeuvres?

                         ELAINE
          And we could cut them into smaller
          pieces?

                         KELLY

                         (THEN)
          She could think we were being cheap.

                         ELAINE
          And how would she feel about that...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. THE DEN - SAME

           Roger and Gene watch a PORSCHE COMMERCIAL without the sound.

                         GENE
          That one has the GPS. With the screen
          that has maps of everything?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          36.

                         ROGER
          What about with the convertible.

                         GENE
          It's optional on the convertible.
          Unless you get the turbo, then it's
          standard.

                         ROGER
          Phil Wonkerman got the turbo.

                         GENE
          No shit...Phil got a Porsche?

                         ROGER
          Said it was his birthday present to
          himself.

                         GENE

                         (IMPRESSED; THEN)
          When was his birthday.

                         ROGER
          Beats me. Probably around the same
          time when he got the car.

                         GENE
          No shit...

                         (THEN)
          Maybe we should get him something.

                         ROGER
          (looks at him)
          He just got a Porsche.

                         GENE
          Right.
          They look at the TV again. Then, from the kitchen doorway:

                         ELAINE
          Roger?
          They turn. Elaine gives Roger a look. PICTURE FREEZES AS:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          37.

                         DAVE
          Roger met Elaine at a company event.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. A HOTEL POOL - DAY

          PEOPLE with NAMETAGS mingle with drinks and appetizers.
          Dave comes away from the hot buffet table with a great haul.

                         DAVE
          -- They discovered they had something
          in common right away.
          He points to ROGER and ELAINE, over by a tiki-torch.

                         ELAINE
          You're kidding! That was you? At
          the Burger King?

                         ROGER
          I was in fourth grade.

                         ELAINE
          I was too! But my God, you remembered
          that?

                         DAVE
          (off Roger's nod)
          She loved that he remembered that.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. A BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT

          A GLOW-BOWL night; neon and black light and MUSIC.

                         DAVE
          (handing out shoes)
          A few nights later, he asked her
          out.
          He points over to the LANE where they're bowling.

                         DAVE
          They had a good time, and so he asked
          her again. And then before too long
          they were seeing each other regularly,
          and not seeing anyone else.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          38.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)

                         (THEN)
          Of course, Elaine was the only one
          who knew that...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT

          Roger opens Elaine's door for her, then goes around. She
          lingers, watches him before she gets in.

                         ROGER
          What.

                         ELAINE
          Nothing...
          She smiles; gets in. Roger pauses. CAMERA PANS TO DAVE.

                         DAVE
          Roger has no idea that this was a
          defining moment for her.
          Roger gets in. Fuzzy but not sure why.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER'S CAR - NIGHT

          Roger drives. Elaine looks out ahead. Long stretch of road
          and no one on it. She turns; looks at him.

                         ELAINE
          Do you realize that, as of tonight,
          we've been seeing each other for
          exactly six months?
          CAMERA HOLDS on her. She waits.

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
          Gee...I wonder if it bothers him
          that I said that. Maybe he thinks
          I'm trying to push him into some
          kind of obligation that he doesn't
          want, or isn't sure of. Maybe he's
          been feeling confined enough by our
          relationship as it is...

          CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.

          ROGER'S INNER VOICE
          Six months...

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         39

          CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE.

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
          He's worried.
          (then thinking about

                         IT)
          Well hey - you know? I'm not so
          sure I want this kind of a
          relationship either. Sometimes I
          wish I had a little more space, so
          I'd have time to think about whether
          I really want us to keep going this
          way. I mean, where are we going?
          Are we just going to keep seeing
          each other at this level of intimacy?
          Are we heading toward marriage?
          Toward children? Toward a lifetime
          together? Am I ready for that level
          of commitment? Do I really even
          know this person?

          CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.

          ROGER'S INNER VOICE
          So that means it was...let's see...
          February when we started going out,
          which was right after I had the car
          at the dealer's, which means ... lemme
          check the odometer...
          (he looks down at it)
          Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil
          change here.
          CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. An OVAL IMAGE OF HER APPEARS in the
          top corner of the screen; they watch him together.

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
          He's upset. I can see it on his
          face.

          ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE
          You know, maybe you're reading this
          completely wrong - and he wants more
          from the relationship.

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE

                         (CONSIDERS IT)
          More intimacy...more commitment...

                         (AND THEN)
          -- and maybe what's happening, is
          he's sensing my reservations?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         40

          ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE
          Well don't bet the farm on it. But --

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
          -- And that's why he's so reluctant
          to say anything about his own feelings -
          he's afraid of being rejected...

          CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.

          ROGER'S INNER VOICE
          And I'm gonna have them look at the
          transmission again. I don't care
          what those morons say, it's still
          not shifting right. And they better
          not try to blame it on the cold
          weather this time. What cold weather?
          It's eighty-seven degrees out, and
          this thing is shifting like a goddam
          garbage truck, and I paid those
          incompetent lowlife bastards six
          hundred dollars.

          CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE.

          ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
          -- He's angry. And I don't blame
          him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel
          so guilty, putting him through this,
          but I can't help the way I feel.
          I'm just not sure.

          ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE

                         (TO ELAINE)
          You know what your problem is? You're
          too idealistic. You're waiting for
          some knight to come riding up on his
          white horse, when you're sitting
          next to a perfectly good person, a
          person you enjoy being with, a person
          you truly do care about, a person
          who seems to truly care about you.
          A person who is in pain because of
          this self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy
          that you insist on clinging to.
          CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. His OVAL IMAGE APPEARS; at the LOCAL
          BAR with a beer in front of him and pool tables in b.g.

          ROGER'S INNER VOICE
          They'll probably say it's only a
          ninety day warranty. That's exactly
          what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         41

          ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
          Let 'em say what they want. You
          don't have to listen.

                         ELAINE
          Roger?

          ROGER'S INNER VOICE
          You know you're right. They want a
          warranty? I'll give them a goddam
          warranty. I'll take their lousy
          warranty and stick it right up their --

                         ELAINE
          Roger.

                         ROGER

                         (STARTLED)
          -- What?

                         ELAINE
          Please don't torture yourself like
          this. Maybe I should never have...

                         (BREAKING DOWN)
          Oh God, I feel so...

                         ROGER
          (looks over, alarmed)

                         WHAT --
          She struggles to keep control. Her OVAL IMAGE disapproves.

                         ELAINE
          I'm such a fool. I mean I know
          there's no knight. I really know
          that. It's silly. There's no knight,
          and there's no horse.

                         ROGER
          There's no horse?
          He looks up; his OVAL IMAGE SHRUGS; gets up off the stool.

                         ELAINE
          You think I'm a fool, don't you?

                         ROGER
          (reacting to the Oval

                         ROGER)
          -- no!
          He looks over at her; not sure who he responded to...but it
          appears he said the right thing anyway.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          42.

                         ELAINE
          It's just.. .well I need ...time, I
          think. I think I need some time.
          Roger looks up at his OVAL IMAGE: gone. He looks at Elaine.

                         ROGER
          -- Time. Yes.

                         ELAINE
          (moved, touches his

                         HAND)
          Oh Roger, do you really feel that
          way?

                         ROGER
          What way?

                         ELAINE
          About time. Do you feel that way
          about time?
          Roger looks confused. His OVAL IMAGE is off playing pool
          now. He turns to Elaine; does his best to look decisive.

                         ROGER
          Oh. Well. Yes. Yes I do, feel
          that way. About time.

                         ELAINE

                         (MELTS)
          Thank you, Roger.

                         ROGER
          -- Thank you.
          They smile. Look forward. He looks a little nervous. She
          looks serene...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

          Roger drives away. Elaine goes into her building. Already
          dialing her cell phone...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          43.

                         BLAINE
          Come on, Kelly -- pick up.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          .while Roger and his OVAL IMAGE watch an OBSCURE FOREIGN
          SOCCER GAME. Share a giganto bag of Doritos.

                         ROGER
          Hey, Ref - look alive. Those guys
          were offsides.

           ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
          They suck.

                         ROGER
          Who, the Albanians or the Moroccans.

          ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
          They both suck.

                         ROGER
          I know.
          He eats some more Doritos. But then suddenly-he pauses.

                         ROGER
          I think I missed something back there.

          ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
          Wait for the replay.

                         ROGER
          (shakes his head)
          No I mean in the car.

          ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
          Can't help you. I was shooting pool.
          Roger looks up at his Oval Image. It shrugs.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. A JUICE BAR - DAY

          Elaine huddles with Kelly.

                         KELLY
          .and you said 'there's no knight.'

                         

                         

                         

                         

          44.

                         ELAINE

                         (NODS)
          - and no horse.

                         KELLY
          Did you say 'no knight and no horse,'
          or 'no horse and no knight?'
          She looks at Elaine.. This is crucial.

                         ELAINE
          I said 'no knight.' And then I said
          'no horse.'

                         (THEN)
          I know he agreed to the knight.

                         KELLY
          But maybe not the horse.
          Elaine racks her brain; just can't say for sure.

                         KELLY
          It's probably not important...
          (then watching her)
          This is really it for you. Isn't
          it.

                         ELAINE
          (looks at her; nods)
          Really it.

                         KELLY
          (glad for her)
          Does he know it?
          Elaine looks up; she has no idea.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. LOCAL HOOPS COURT - DAY

          Roger and Gene get ready for some 1 on 1. Roger passes to
          Gene...

                         ROGER
          Check.
          .who passes it right back.

                         GENE
          Check.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          45.
          Roger takes the ball, dribbles, almost starts but doesn't.
          Gene looks at him.

                         ROGER
          Listen.

                         GENE
          What.

                         ROGER
          (a beat; then)
          -- Elaine and I.

                         GENE
          Elaine and you what.

                         ROGER
          (a beat; then he shrugs)
          We sort of have this -- thing.
          He looks at Gene. Conveys the full impact of this. Then --

                         ROGER
          Did she ever mention owning a horse?

                         GENE
          Who.

                         ROGER
          Elaine. She ever talk about horses?
          Like, to Kelly or something?

                         GENE
          Not that I know of. Why?
          Roger thinks.. .then shakes it off. Throws the ball to Gene.

                         ROGER
          What's the score.

                         GENE
          We haven't started yet.
          They start to play. CAMERA FINDS DAVE, on a nearby bench.

                         DAVE
          Roger's in love.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

          SHERYL CROW takes a break in the MIXING BOOTH.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          46.

                         SHERYL CROW
          I can sympathize with your friend,
          man. I've seen a lot of guys go
          there.

                         DAVE
          Do you have any advice for a guy in
          love?

                         SHERYL CROW
          I don't know - most of my songs are
          about guys out of love.

                         DAVE
          I see.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Cause you know, a guy in love - a
          guy who's where your friend's at,
          anyway - they don't know where they
          are. They're like an ant, standing
          on a truck tire. They don't know
          how they got there - all they know
          is that's not where they were a minute
          ago. But then they sort of get
          vaguely okay with it, you know?
          They start hangin' out there, they're
          feelin' pretty good.

                         (THEN)
          Until the thing starts moving.

                         DAVE
          What happens then.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Well then they get crushed.
          Dave gulps. She shrugs.

                         SHERYL CROW
          Rock and roll, my friend. Life in
          the city.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. TWO OLD PEOPLE ON A COUCH - DAY


                         OLD MAN
          November 8, 1960. The day John
          Kennedy beat Nixon and won the White
          House. That was the day I met her.
          His WIFE turns, looks at him funny.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         47

                         OLD MAN
          It was close the whole way - it was
          neck and neck by God. But then old
          Kennedy Senior rode on in on that
          big old pile of money of his, and
          fixed the results in Illinois. And
          that made all the difference.
          Happiest day of my life, just about.
          She watches him. The man is hopeless.

                         OLD MAN
          I was walking away from a newspaper
          stand, with my head buried in the
          final edition. And I looked up, and
          there she was.
          (he looks over at his

                         WIFE)
          You were wearing a yellow sun dress
          and there was a smudge of makeup
          just over your left eye.
          He smiles at her. Gets a thin smile back.

                         OLD MAN
          What.

                         OLD LADY
          That wasn't me.

                         OLD MAN
          Of course it was you. What are you
          talking about?

                         OLD LADY
          It was your first wife.

                         OLD MAN
          Nonsense.

                         OLD LADY

                         (TO CAMERA)
          We met in Sacramento. Eight and a
          half years ago.

                         OLD MAN
          Don't believe her.

                         OLD LADY
          I've never owned a yellow sun dress
          in my life. And even if I did, I
          wouldn't be wearing it in November.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          48.

                         OLD MAN
          (off her look)
          -- The point is, in 1960 an Irish
          Catholic could be elected president
          of this fine country, as long as his
          father was a filthy rich rum-runner
          with connections to the Mafia! And
          when Nixon did get elected, he had
          to quit!
          His wife shakes her head.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. KELLY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Kelly and Gene on the sofa.

                         KELLY
          Well we didn't know each other. I
          mean, of course we didn't - we hadn't
          met yet. But we were both invited
          to the same party, by different people
          who we only knew marginally - only
          the party got cancelled, and I guess
          that's how marginal we were, because
          no one told us. So we came in
          different cars and found ourselves
          at the same front door - with no one
          home.
          (then taking his hand)
          So Gene asked me out to eat.

                         GENE
          I was hungry.

                         KELLY
          You were in love.
          (then off his look)
          You told me you loved me, that first
          night!

                         GENE
          I said I loved mashed potatoes.

                         KELLY
          You were eating mashed potatoes.
          You said you loved me. You said
          because your name was Gene and mine
          was Kelly, that that just proved it.
          We were meant to be together.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          49.

                         GENE
          (off her look; then

                         TO CAMERA)
          -- Does this have to go in the movie?

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. GENE AND KELLY'S PLACE - DAY

          Dave walks out, talks to the CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          Contrary to what many women believe,
          it's fairly easy to develop a long
          term, stable, intimate and mutually
          fulfilling relationship with a guy.
          As long as this is the guy:

          QUICK SHOT OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER -- PANTING, FRIENDLY.

                         DAVE
          With human guys, it's extremely
          difficult. This is because guys
          don't really grasp what women mean
          by the term 'relationship.'

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. JERSEY SHORE - DAY

          A JERSEY GIRL on break at a SNACK HUT.

                         JERSEY GIRL
          What I don't get is how they can be
          a fully grown adult male and not be
          able to make a commitment to a woman
          who loves him like no one else - and
          yet the same person, at age seven,
          could make an unbreakable lifelong
          commitment to the San Francisco
          Giants, who do not even know him and
          who never will.
          (shakes her head)
          I just don't get it.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY

          A SEATTLE GIRL outside the cafe.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          50.

                         SEATTLE GIRL
          They're never "ready." If you ask
          me, guys are in a permanent state of
          nonreadiness. That's where they
          live. If guys were turkey breasts,
          you could put one in a 350 degree
          oven on the Fourth of July and they
          still wouldn't be ready in time for
          Thanksgiving.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. CHICAGO - RARE BOOKS STORE - DAY

          The OWNER arranges titles on a display outside her store.

                         CHICAGO GIRL
          The thing is, you shouldn't even
          think about marrying them until you
          really know them. But you can't
          really know them until you marry
          them.
          (then after a beat)
          That's the thing.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUY FIDELITY"

          EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY

          A Manhattan Girl gives a world-weary look.

                         MANHATTAN GIRL
          One: A guy will have sex with
          anything. Two: A guy will do
          anything to have sex. There's your
          Guy Fidelity. Move on.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUY PRIDE"

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S MARRIED HOUSE - DAY

          Elaine and Roger are inside, looking at the front door.

                         ELAINE
          What do you mean, it's 'supposed to
          be that way.' It's stuck.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         51

                         ROGER
          It's basic physics, Elaine. Wood
          expands. And then, later, it
          contracts.

                         ELAINE
          But we can't get out.

                         ROGER
          Which also means other people can't
          get in. That's part of the design -
          it discourages burglars.

                         ELAINE
          (looks at him)
          The same way the toaster was designed
          to discourage carbohydrate consumption
          by bursting into flames?

                         ROGER
          That was an outdoor toaster. It was
          clearly not designed for indoor
          situations.
          The PICTURE FREEZES. DAVE steps in front, talks to CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          I think it's obvious here, that Roger
          has absolutely no idea what he's
          talking about. But Guy Pride forces
          him to keep acting like he does know,
          for reasons I believe we've covered
          in an earlier scene.
          He nods his head over to the corner, where the CAMERA PANS
          TO SEE HUDDLED VISIGOTHS, WAITING. Then BACK TO ROGER AND
          ELAINE as the PICTURE UNFREEZES.

                         ELAINE
          Okay. So now we have a broken water
          heater and a stuck front door.

                         (CONTROLS HERSELF;

                         THEN)
          I think it's time to call Steve.
          ELAINE'S IMAGE FREEZES. Roger turns to the CAMERA.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          52.

                         ROGER
          "Steve."

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. CUL DE SAC - DAY - SLOW MOTION - HEAVENLY MUSIC

          STEVE leaves someone's house, heads for his super-outfitted
          TRUCK. Haloed in golden sunlight. Strong, capable, equipped
          for every situation.
          WOMEN look out from kitchen and bedroom and living room
          windows, from front steps and yards and gardens, just to see
          whose house Steve is leaving. The women look all dreamy the
          way they would in a really corny musical.

                         DAVE
          (watching; to CAMERA)
          As far as women are concerned, God
          didn't really rest on the seventh
          day. On the seventh day, God created
          Steve.
          As the Women all sigh...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY

          Elaine stands at the basement door. CLANGING down there.

                         ELAINE
          Roger? Did you find anything?

          INTERCUT WITH ROGER IN THE BASEMENT
          He's in ankle deep water. Pokes a FLASHLIGHT into some of
          the corners where the overhead bulb doesn't reach.

                         ROGER
          Good news, honey! The basement's
          level.

                         ELAINE
          How can you tell?

                         ROGER
          Because I know a well built floor
          when I see one! We were right to
          buy this house. Everything works
          just the way it should!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          53.

                         ELAINE
          Except there's no hot water.

                         ROGER
          (aiming the flashlight)
          Sweetheart, don't you remember? The
          power company talked about this.

                         ELAINE
          How about calling Steve.

                         ROGER

                         (HATES THIS)
          We'll call "Steve," when we have a
          real problem. Okay?
          (then more to himself)
          A mouse gets the hiccups, you don't
          have to call Steve every time.

                         ELAINE
          (hears him whang
          something down there)
          But Roger you're such a good copy
          editor. You don't have to be a good
          repairman too! Honest!

                         ROGER
          Okay I think I found it.

                         ELAINE
          The problem?

                         ROGER
          The water heater.
          Elaine leans her head against the door jam.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY

          Elaine sits on the step, looking blank. Kelly is with her.
          There are LOUD NOISES from the basement.

                         ELAINE
          I don't know why he does this. He
          doesn't know what he's doing down
          there...

                         KELLY
          It'll be all right.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          54.

                         ELAINE
          (off a loud CLANG)
          It's not like some broken part is
          just going to be standing there,
          waving a flag that says "Help me."
          Or there'll be an octopus on the
          compressor, and then he could say,
          "Look! There's an octopus on the
          compressor!"

                         (THEN)
          Of course, how would he know it was
          the compressor...

                         KELLY
          Trust me, it'll all work out. After
          a while, there's no more harm they
          can do.
          Roger comes around from the side door. SLOSHING feet. Holds
          a dripping PART.

                         ROGER
          I just need to go to the hardware
          store. Hi Kelly.
          Kelly smiles, waves. Then as Roger sloshes past, to the
          car.

                         ELAINE
          And what is it about the hardware
          store? All they do in there is buy
          a bunch of tools that they don't
          know how to use -- and no matter
          what the problem is, all they'll end
          up doing is whacking at it with a
          hammer until it breaks even more.

                         KELLY
          And then they cover it all up with
          duct tape and then come out and say
          it's supposed to work that way.

                         ELAINE

                         (SOLIDARITY NOD)
          Then we have to call Steve. And
          they get offended.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY

          Roger waits at the counter. Talks to CAMERA.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          55.

                         ROGER
          Let me tell you something. If I had
          a dollar for every time I heard
          "Steve's" name, I could hire somebody
          better than Steve, just to shake
          things up. Get her one of these old
          semi-retired guys - someone from the
          pre-steroid days, with the hairy
          shoulders, and the butt crack. They
          won't be so quick to call him every
          ten minutes.
          The Clerk comes back. Hands over a 53-piece TOOL SET.

                         CLERK
          Remember. Keep these away from
          anything magnetic.

                         ROGER

                         (WINKS)
          Got it.
          He takes the tool kit from the Clerk and drops it. The Clerk
          watches Roger chase down all the parts: what a dolt.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

          Roger puts the tool set in his trunk...then stops.

                         ROGER
          The thing is - I missed out.
          (turns to CAMERA)
          It's like everyone else was there
          the day they taught all this stuff.
          How to look inside acar.Or a
          furnace. Or a rocketship.But the
          guys like Steve, youknow.They
          were born knowing allthis- and now
          they're laughing.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          56.

                         ROGER (CONT'D)
          They all go down to the Competent
          Guys' Tavern and compare notes.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. COMPETENT GUYS' TAVERN - DAY

          VANS and PICKUP TRUCKS just like Steve's are parked outside.
          A STEVE LOOKALIKE gets out and goes in, greeting ANOTHER
          STEVE also arriving. LAUGHTER pours out from inside.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY

          Steve rings the bell. Elaine tries opening the door.

                         ELAINE
          (on other side)
          I'm sorry - the door's stuck.

                         STEVE
          I can fix that.
          He checks it out, taps it in one place and opens the door.
          Elaine steps aside, enchanted --
          -- as Roger drives up and sees this. And the pain in his
          heart is something we can feel.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BASEMENT - DAY

          Power's back on. Steve pulls the cover off the HVAC assembly.
          Roger is sorting through the 53-piece tool set he bought and
          has no idea what to do with.

                         STEVE
          If you've got a minute, sir. I'd
          like to show you something.

                         ROGER
          (holds up tool kit)
          Should I bring these?

                         STEVE
          That won't be --
          (then as all the parts

                         FALL OUT)
          -- necessary.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         57

                         ROGER

                         (LOOKS DOWN)
          The latch broke.

                         STEVE
          I can fix that.
          Roger puts the tool kit down. Joins Steve.

                         STEVE
          There's your problem right there.

                         (POINTS)
          You got calcification in your pullet-
          beam header grommets.

                         ROGER
          I was afraid of that.
          Steve looks at him. One of those sideways looks.

                         STEVE
          What you gotta do is jack up your
          laminate bolts and remove the
          calcification on the stress points.

                         ROGER
          (while Steve takes

                         SOME MEASUREMENTS)
          Of course when he says "you," he
          doesn't mean "me." I don't have jacks.
          I don't have winches. And Steve has
          got like fifty kinds of each, right
          on his truck. If society collapsed,
          the Steves of the world will be living
          in nice sturdy shelters that they
          built with their own hands, eating
          food that they grew or caught. And
          I'll be getting shredded to death by
          wolverines.

                         STEVE
          Here we go.
          He reaches down. Pulls out a fuse assembly, holds it up.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          58.

                         STEVE
          Here we go. Back in business in no
          time.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY

          Steve is packing up his truck. Roger is about to go back

                         INSIDE WHEN:

                         KID
          Dad, look! Look what Steve made me!
          A working battleship made entirely
          out of Coke cans!
          Roger looks. It is a working battleship made from Coke cans.

                         KID
          This is so neat! Thanks, Steve!
          The kid runs off. Roger looks at Elaine.

                         ROGER
          Do we have a kid?

                         ELAINE
          Steve got him from the truck.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. STEVE'S TRUCK - TRAVELING - DAY

          Dave rides up front with Steve. Talks to CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          Just because Steve can fix things,
          doesn't mean he's shallow and doesn't
          have any concerns. All guys have
          concerns. Deep concerns.

                         STEVE

                         (LOOKS OVER)
          You like SportsTalk? Mike the Moose?

                         DAVE
          Hell yeah.
          Steve gives him a look. Turns on the radio.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          59.

                         CALLER
          I'm just sayin' those owners better
          never run into me. Because God help
          'em, man.

          MIKE THE MOOSE
          -- and we'll pick up on that and
          more, right after the news.

                         CALLER
          I mean it, man.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RADIO STATION - WGRG-AM SPORTSTALK - DAY

          MIKE THE MOOSE flips a switch; turns to Dave.

          MIKE THE MOOSE
          Three months ago, the Marlins traded
          a guy named Rufino Lupenza to the
          Yankees, for some minor league players
          and cash. I grant you it was a rotten
          trade. I grant you the Yankees seem
          to have this, this knack for making
          brilliant deals year after year.
          But three months?
          (pops in a tape)
          The Marlins are over it. The Yankees
          are over it. The players and their
          families are over it -- but just
          check this out.

                         CALLER

                         (ON TAPE)
          The guy was a workhorse! He filled
          in wherever he was needed and he
          never got hurt! And when he got
          hurt, he played hurt.

          MIKE THE MOOSE

                         (ON TAPE)
          You know I got a post card from him
          here at the station. He says they're
          all doing fine: Lucita's got the
          kids in their new school already and
          they all seem happy. She even found
          an Ecuadorean grocery she likes.

                         CALLER
          Grocery -- the guy batted 340, from
          both sides.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          60.

                         CALLER (CONT'D)
          His on-base percentage was in the
          4's, with a rocket arm on defense
          and an awareness of the field like
          nobody's business. And they trade
          him for minor leaguers? For untested,
          greenhorn punks who can barely even --

          MIKE THE MOOSE
          (pauses the tape)
          That guy's pretty normal.
          He cues forward, plays. A GUY CALLER, fighting tears.

          MIKE THE MOOSE

                         (ON RADIO)
          You just have to move on, Stan.

                         CALLER
          .I try to - I'm trying. But I
          just can't make sense of this...
          Mike the Moose stops the tape.

          MIKE THE MOOSE
          These are guys you wouldn't see crying
          even at a funeral. Guys who can't
          bring themselves to hug their own
          children. And they're beside
          themselves.
          (shakes his head)
          And all over a meaningless trade...

                         DAVE
          Meaningless?
          Mike the Moose looks at him.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          Roger and Gene are watching the KNICKS/HEAT game. Big bag
          of Doritos between them.

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          .seventy-seven per cent from the
          line during the regular season, and
          a red-hot eighty-three per cent during
          the playoffs.

                         ROGER
          Stop saying that!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          61.

          TV ANNOUNCER SIDEKICK
          -- and in the fourth quarter of the
          playoffs, that number is even higher --

                         GENE
          Stop saying that!

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          So they really picked the wrong guy
          to foul, at this crucial point in
          such a crucial game.

          ROGER AND GENE
          Stop saying that!

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          He dribbles. He sets -- he dribbles
          again...
          Roger and Gene lean forward.

                         ROGER
          Come on come on come on comeoncomeon --

                         GENE
          Miss the shot miss the shot miss the
          shot come on and miss the shot --

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          -- and the Knicks call time out.
          They lean back in their seats; breathe some relief.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

          Elaine and Kelly are addressing INVITATIONS by hand. Dave
          sits on the counter, listens in.

                         ELAINE
          They don't know the players. The
          players don't know them - yet they
          idolize these people. They follow
          them from team to team -- and they
          know more about these teams than
          they know about their own families.
          They might not even know if they
          have families.

                         KELLY
          Not during the playoffs anyway.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          62.

                         ELAINE
          (amen to that; then)
          And what gets me is, they think -
          they really think - that whether a
          team wins or loses or not depends on
          how much they personally care about
          them. Like if they don't care, the
          team can't win.

                         DAVE
          But that's true.
          They look over - see him on the counter.

                         ELAINE
          What's true.

                         DAVE
          It's true that the level of concern
          a guy shows for his team can affect
          the outcome of the game.
          (then off their looks)
          I mean not just one guy - but lots
          of guys. All the guys who care about
          the team combined, if they really
          care, can make a difference on the
          scoreboard.

                         ELAINE
          That's crazy.

                         KELLY
          Who is he?

                         DAVE
          (hops off the counter)
          -- Follow me.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. THE DEN - CONTINUOUS

          Roger and Gene and the game are FROZEN IN PLACE. Dave stands
          in the doorway with Elaine and Kelly.

                         DAVE
          For the first time ever, through the
          use of highly advanced technology,
          we will be able to see the actual
          Concern Rays emanating from the minds
          of Roger and Gene, in their attempt
          to affect the outcome of this upcoming -
          and totally critical - foul shot.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          63.
          The PICTURE CHANGES as though a filter has been slipped over
          the lens. Then we BEGIN TO SEE THE ACTUAL RAYS emanating
          from Roger's and Gene's foreheads and traveling into the
          screen. The rays are colored BLUE.

                         DAVE
          These Concern Rays go straight into
          the television screen where they
          join the combined Concern Rays of
          all the other guy fans watching this
          game right now.

                         CUT TO:

          A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES
          Where all the CITIES representing major markets LIGHT UP and
          FORM ARCS, like airline flight routes, connecting RED or
          BLUE CONCERN RAYS from each city, and sending them to MIAMI.

                         DAVE
          (in front of map)
          Then the rays are transmitted to the
          actual arena itself, all arriving at
          the same moment regardless of any
          geographic or time zone differences.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. AN ARENA - NIGHT

          Dave reports as BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS materialize from
          the sky and descend on the arena, covering the roof.

                         DAVE
          And it is here, at the arena, where
          the combined Concern Rays from both
          teams' fans will be measured - not
          just for quantity, but for quality.
          Because this - as every Guy must
          believe - is what wins ball games.

          BACK TO ROGER AND GENE AT THE TV
          Dave steps away and the PICTURE UN-FREEZES.

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          He sets...he takes the shot...it's

                         UP --

                         ROGER
          -- Come on come on come on ---

                         

                         

                         

                         

          64.

                         GENE
          Miss the shot miss the shot miss the

                         SHOT --

          ON TV - THE BALL, IN MIDAIR -- BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS

          APPEAR AND CONVERGE ON IT, IN A MIGHTY STRUGGLE FOR DOMINATION

                         TV ANNOUNCER
          -- and he misses! He misses! It
          bounces off the rim and Miami wins
          the game! What a comeback! A field
          day for the Heat!
          Roger and Gene leap up and scream. High fives, victory dance.
          Dave looks at Elaine and Kelly - who look at each other...

                         ELAINE
          Let's get back to those invitations.

                         KELLY
          I'm with you.
          They turn, go back to the kitchen. The celebration goes on.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM"

          INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

          Dave walks down a terminal corridor among hurrying PASSENGERS.

                         DAVE
          If there's one thing women don't
          know about when it comes to guys,
          it's the public rest room problem.
          And we're here to clear that up right
          now.
          He stops outside a MEN'S REST ROOM, which is currently closed
          for maintenance.

                         DAVE
          This room is a private hell for a
          countless number of guys -- yet the
          women in their lives are completely
          in the dark about it.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          65.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          But before we go inside, let's talk
          with a leading social scientist, so
          that what we're about to show you
          sounds a little more official.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RED CARPET CLUB - DAY

          Dave is at the honor bar with the SAME BRITISH GUY. The
          words "Leading Social Scientist" APPEAR under him this time.

          LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
          One has to understand that the act
          of emptying one's bladder goes deep
          to the very roots of masculinity.
          It is an important territorial
          statement that males are genetically
          programmed to carry out.

                         DAVE
          I see.

          LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
          In fact, many of my colleagues believe
          the reason that dogs howl at the
          moon is because they can't go up
          there and urinate on it -- which is
          not, however, a theory which I
          embrace. But guess who gets all the
          grant money every year. The
          bastards...
          He stares off into space. A bitter man.

                         DAVE
          Um...you were saying?

          LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
          I didn't want this job. Twenty years,
          in the social sciences? And what
          was everybody else doing -- they
          were getting laid. They were going
          to bed with women. And what have I
          been doing -- applying for matching
          grants. And not getting them.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          66.

          LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (CONT'D)
          Applying for any grants at all - and
          not getting those either. Meanwhile
          all the "cool dudes" are laughing!

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. "THE COOL DUDES WHO GET THE BIG GRANTS" TAVERN - DAY

          Honda Accords fill the lot. TWO MORE drive up and a SCIENTIST
          gets out of each. They hail each other and go in together.
          As they pull open the door, LAUGHTER spills out from inside.

          LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (V.0.)
          The bastards...

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM"

          EXT. A VIDEO PRODUCTION TRUCK - DAY

          There is a SATELLITE DISH on top. Dave is with JOHN MADDEN.

                         DAVE
          With me now is the great John Madden --
          legendary coach of football's Oakland
          Raiders and veteran network analyst
          for CBS Sports and now the Fox Sports
          Network. John, thanks for coming by
          today.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Happy to be here Dave.

                         DAVE
          John, you heard what our leading
          expert said about this particular
          anxiety that guys have regarding
          bathrooms in general and public ones
          in particular. Any thoughts?

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Well he's exactly right, Dave. I
          mean the guy was a little loopy but
          he hit the nail on the head.

                         DAVE
          So an airport bathroom presents a
          specific kind of challenge.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          67.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          The worst kind, Dave, and in a lotta
          ways. Because a guy's main goal is
          to get in and outta there without
          having to deal in any other way with
          any other guy - and in an airport
          bathroom especially, with the turnover
          rate they've got, he's up against
          some pretty mean odds.

                         DAVE
          Couldn't agree more, John. Let's go

                         INSIDE --

                         CUT TO:

          INT. VIDEO TRUCK - DAY - CONTINUOUS

          TECHNICIANS wearing headsets. Dave and John sit by a BANK
          OF MONITORS. There's a TELESTRATOR for John.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Okay. Now this angle here, we're
          outside the bathroom and the
          maintenance guy's just about to open
          it up.
          We SEE THE AREA OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM, WITH "CLOSED FOR
          MAINTENANCE" SIGNS IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH. A JANITOR starts
          removing the signs as a BUSINESS TRAVELER heads over.

                         DAVE
          Here's our first candidate now --

                         INTERCUT WITH:

          INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - ON MONITORS, WITH TELESTRATOR

          John diagrams the action, marking up the screen like a
          football play while the action unfolds.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Okay now the leadoff guy, he's gonna
          come in, he's gonna see the open
          field and he's gonna swing wide right
          to grab a spot against the wall.
          He's got one flank covered this way
          and for now he's feelin' pretty good --
          and of course by doin' that, he's
          also settin' the tone for everything
          that happens after.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          râ¢ . 68.

                         DAVE
          What's the main thing we're looking
          for, John. What does each individual
          guy feel he needs to get out of this.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Well the crucial thing here, is makin'
          sure there's no eye contact. I mean
          none - zero. These guys'll look up,
          they'll look down, they'll look
          straight ahead -- but a guy would
          rather have you poke both his eyes
          out with burning hot fire tongs,
          Dave, than to give the next guy over
          a reason to think you might be lookin'
          at him in a public bathroom. For
          reasons that oughtta be pretty darn
          obvious.

                         DAVE
          Obvious indeed. Now here comes Guy
          Number Two --
          The SECOND GUY comes in; John diagrams the call.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Now Guy Number Two, what he's gonna
          do is, he's gonna come in, see the
          first guy in position along the wall
          and right away he's gonna line up
          wide on the opposite side. This is
          a best case scenario here, something
          both these guys can appreciate.
          Plus they've opened up the middle
          for the third guy --
          The THIRD GUY comes in. John diagrams his path to the middle
          urinal. The Guy goes there.

                         DAVE
          What about eye contact in this
          situation.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Well you're still not likely to
          encounter any, but again if you do,
          that's what that buffer zone on either
          side of him's for. And all three of
          'em are feelin' pretty lucky to have
          it, I can tell you that.

                         DAVE
          Okay. Now if things stay like this...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          69.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          If things stay like this, you're
          fine - and if this were some small
          commuter airport, y'know late at
          night or somethin', then these guys
          could possibly even be home free.
          But we're talkin' Miami International
          here, this is the big time, we're
          talking about 747's, DC-10's, the
          big jumbo jets dumpin' off three-
          four hundred people at a clip. So
          everybody's gonna be next to somebody,
          which is the last thing any of these
          guys want. You're in a critical
          mass situation, and this is where a
          lotta mistakes get made.

                         DAVE
          Which brings us to Guy Number Four.
          Here he comes --

                         JOHN MADDEN
          -- and there he goes...
          Guy #4 spins around and leaves. John and Dave watch; then.

                         DAVE
          Now one thing that I know we're going
          to get asked, John, especially from
          women, is whether, as guys, we're
          aware of how utterly stupid this
          kind of behavior really is.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Well I think we know, Dave. Don't
          you think we know?

                         DAVE
          I think we do.

                         JOHN MADDEN

                         (NODS)
          Have to be stupid not to.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM"

                         

                         

                         

                         

          70.

          DAVE (V.O.)
          We did that.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUYS AT MIDLIFE"

          EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI - DAY

          Dave walks the campus. Threads through GORGEOUS COLLEGE
          GIRLS who don't know he's there.

                         DAVE
          If there's anything that causes more
          anguish in a guy than sports anguish,
          and public restroom anguish, and
          hardware store anguish, it's the day
          that he realizes that somehow his
          life is half over now, and no matter
          what he tries to tell himself, he's
          not young anymore and he's never
          going to be young again.
          (then he stops)
          And as any guy'll tell you - it sucks.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. AN ELEVATOR - DAY

          A GUY IN A SUIT, alone in here. Faint ELEVATOR MUSIC plays.

                         ELEVATOR GUY
          I got used to having the Beatles and
          Stones called 'classic rock.' Then
          I heard Elvis Costello on an Oldies
          station. I figured, okay - who cares -
          at least it's on somewhere. But
          then I hear "London Calling," on
          Muzak. By the Clash. On Muzak.

                         (SHRUGS)
          But what the hell. I'm in a suit
          and I go around all day explaining
          peoples' 401K plans to them. And
          Sting's doing commercials for Jaguar.
          He shakes his head; it's hopeless.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. SHOPPING MALL BARBER SHOP - DAY

          The BARBER talks while cutting Dave's hair.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          71.

                         BARBER
          The way I see it, it's like menopause,
          right? Except men get it different.
          It doesn't show, y'see? The cramps
          don't come, the hot and cold flashes,
          and you don't have your magazines
          and drug stores filled with helpful
          stuff to do about it. But something
          comes, and it hits every guy who's
          living whether he likes it or not.
          Whether he knows it or not. Guy can
          lose his bleepin' mind if he doesn't
          watch out.
          He gets a mirror to show Dave the back. Gives him time to
          get philosophical.

                         BARBER
          But you know? Maybe it's for the
          better. Maybe whoever designed all
          this, was afraid to let the men in
          on what was gonna be happening.
          Like if we knew, we'd bail or
          something. You know, ahead of time.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. A BAR - DAY

          The BARTENDER wipes the bar down in front of Dave.

                         BARTENDER
          I'm just telling you what I see.
          Every lousy day. A guy'll come in
          and sit down, right where you are.
          He loosens up a little and then it
          comes. The road not taken.
          Unexamined choices. An unfulfilled
          life. And other guys, they'll come
          in and don't say a word. The ones
          who just stare at the mirror.

                         DAVE
          That sounds pretty bleak.

                         BARTENDER

                         (SHRUGS; THEN)
          I think it goes back to the old times.
          Ancient times, you know? When nobody
          was expected to live past forty.
          You got to forty? You died.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          72.

                         BARTENDER (CONT'D)
          But now that men aren't doing that,
          there's a lot more shit up ahead,
          and none of it looks good so they go
          freak out and make a mess of things --
          they'll quit their jobs or walk out
          on their marriages or make some other
          idiot grandstand move. None of them
          are happy and every single one of
          them wishes he did something else
          with his life and can't figure out
          how it got this way. Every single
          one of them.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY

          A hotshot LAWYER is dictating a memo to his SECRETARY.

                         LAWYER
          .therefore please be advised that
          in reference to the aforementioned
          subject matter, as per the original
          agreement dated 7 March Two Thousand, --
          His Secretary stops writing. Waits.

                         LAWYER
          ...7 March Two Thousand...

                         SECRETARY
          Um. You said that already.

                         LAWYER
          (shakes his head)
          I started here on the 7th of March.
          Fifteen years ago...

                         SECRETARY
          Oh. Well - Happy Anni--

                         LAWYER
          What the hell am I doing. Why did I
          even think this would be a good idea --
          to work my ass off every single day
          of my life? So I could come in here
          and dictate letters like this?

                         SECRETARY
          They're not all like this. You do a
          lot of good...

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         73

                         LAWYER
          And what does it get me -- a twin-
          turbo convertible that I don't even
          get to drive, because I'm always
          traveling and renting shitbox cars
          in other cities where all I do is
          take clients out to lunch and tell
          them how to negotiate their golden
          parachutes? You ever sit in the
          driver's seat of one of those renta
          cars?

                         SECRETARY
          Well my husband usually does the --

                         LAWYER
          Brand new cars, not even two thousand
          miles on them, and already they drive
          like camels. The seat's got no
          cushion left already, and you're
          lucky if you don't need a chiropractor
          after twenty minutes in one. What
          do people do in those things?

                         SECRETARY
          Maybe I could get you something.
          You want something?

                         LAWYER
          Yeah. I want something. I want the
          number of that hang-gliding place
          out on Route 33.

                         SECRETARY
          You want to go hang gliding?

                         LAWYER
          I want to teach hang gliding.

                         SECRETARY
          I'm sorry. I didn't know you did
          that.

                         LAWYER
          I don't do that. I want to do that.
          I've always wanted to do that, and
          lots of other things too -- only I'm
          stuck doing this all day long. And
          I don't even know what this is half
          the time, just that I have to spend
          every waking hour doing it. So you
          tell me -- where the hell does hang
          gliding fit into that.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          74.

                         SECRETARY
          Um. Saturdays?

                         LAWYER
          Give me a break.

                         SECRETARY
          (as he starts to leave)
          Where are you going?

                         LAWYER
          I should have done this a long time
          ago.

                         SECRETARY
          What about the letter?

                         LAWYER
          Put in the usual bullshit. Nobody's
          gonna read it anyway.
          He's gone. She sits there.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY

          JOHNNY LAKE lifts a titanium frame up onto the back of a
          pickup. Part of it catches on the lift gate and he SWEARS,
          kicking it. About to really lay into it when the LAWYER
          drives up in his twin turbo convertible and gets out.

                         LAWYER
          Hi!

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Sorry. We're closed.

                         LAWYER
          (stunned; watches him)
          -- It's two thirty in the afternoon.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Hey. I don't make the rules.

                         LAWYER
          Aren't you the owner?

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          You're right. I do make the rules.
          We're closed.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          75.

                         LAWYER
          (sees he means it)
          Look, there has to -- I really want
          to learn this -- I just quit my job
          to learn this.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Be my guest - learn it.
          He kicks the frame again, walks off. The Lawyer watches.

                         LAWYER
          How can you do this? This is the
          perfect job!

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Yeah right. Driving around in a
          rusted worthless pickup truck that's
          about to be repossessed anyway, while
          a guy like you, my own age, is going
          around in a Porsche Carrera.

                         LAWYER
          But you get to fly.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          No, you get to fly. I get to hoof
          this shit up and down these
          godforsaken hilltops listening to
          stockbrokers brag about getting lap
          dances from college coeds, and
          charging the whole thing through the
          company expense account -- while I
          can't even deduct my blood pressure
          medication. That's what I get to
          do.
          He kicks a rock in the road, which almost feels good enough
          so he kicks another one -- but this one is buried in the
          dirt like an iceberg and doesn't budge --

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Ahh, SHIT!
          -- and he falls down hobbling on one knee instead.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY

          Johnny Lake waits on the examining table, holding ice against
          his leg. The Lawyer sits on the extra chair reading EXOTIC

          ISLANDS MAGAZINE.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          76.
          He holds up a PHOTO: a Guy in a hammock, in Paradise.

                         LAWYER
          Look at this.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          You got that right.
          The Lawyer shakes his head; flips the page.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Hey.
          (then on Lawyer's
          look; he shrugs)
          You don't think he's gonna...

                         LAWYER
          What.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          You know. Have to use the --

                         LAWYER
          Glove?
          (then off his look)
          You hurt your knee. He already took
          the x-rays.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          What if something's broken.

                         LAWYER
          Well he's not going in that way.
          You don't do a rectal to set a guy's
          leg.
          Still the guy looks doubtful. The ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON -
          British, familiar - comes in, with a fresh X-RAY.

                         ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
          Well you've done quite a number on
          yourself. Want to see?

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          Why should I. I wouldn't know what
          the hell I'm looking at. You're the
          one who went to medical school.

                         ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
          Don't remind me.
          (then on their looks)
          What. You think I like this?

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         77

          ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON (CONT'D)
          The medical profession? Owing my
          life to the insurance cartel while
          the rest of the world thinks I'm so
          stinking rich?

                         LAWYER
          Well.. .aren't you?

                         ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
          Of courseIam - I'm an orthopedic
          surgeon!Ijust don't like people
          assumingit!

                         (THENASHIS BEEPER

                         GOESOFF)
          And this -- I am so sick of this
          bloody thing I can't even tell you!
          Because every time it goes off it
          means I have to stop doing one thing
          I don't want to be doing, and start
          doing another thing I don't want to
          be doing. You call that a life?
          They look at him. Don't know what to say.

                         ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
          -- Let me show you something.
          (puts down the x-ray,
          goes to a drawer)
          I've been working on this during my
          free time. Not like I get any.
          He gets an accordion-style envelope; takes out a REAM OF
          TYPED PAGES. Hands it over to Johnny Lake.

                         JOHNNY LAKE
          What is it?

                         ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
          What is it? It's a screenplay!
          This'll blow the lid off the
          orthopedic surgery industry! Look -
          look here --
          (takes it back; flips

                         THROUGH)
          -- no wait, this part's better. No --
          here! Here you go. Read this and
          tell me if you don't --

                         

                         

                         

                         

          78.
          He looks up. They're gone.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. "GUYS WHO WISH THEY HAD DIFFERENT JOBS" TAVERN - DAY

          The lot is filled with Ford Fiestas. The Lawyer and Johnny
          Lake drive up. When they pull the door open there's WHINING
          from inside...
          Then the BARTENDER FROM BEFORE comes out, storms past them
          and throws his rag down hard as he gets the hell out of there
          and away from that shit job.
          As Dave walks into frame, starts over to his car.

                         DAVE
          Okay! Well it looks like it's time
          to talk about sex.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM"

          DAVE (V.0.)
          Will you knock it off?

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

          Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the mall.

                         DAVE
          For the sake of any younger viewers
          who might still be paying attention,
          during this next segment we will be
          using certain euphemisms to describe
          a natural and wonderful thing that
          happens among grownups - grownups
          besides your parents, that is.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MALL BOOKSTORE - MAGAZINE AISLE - DAY

          Dave walks along all the COSMO'S, REDBOOKS, etc.

                         DAVE
          Probably the fastest growing sector
          of the U.S. economy is the sector
          that conducts surveys asking women

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          what is wrong with men. And in all
          those surveys, there is one main
          area that shows up constantly at the
          top of the charts.
          (he stops, pulls a

                         MAGAZINE)
          -- Euphemisms.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY

          Dave walks up the aisles filled with delectable things.

                         DAVE
          when I say "euphemisms," I of course
          am not suggesting that guys don't
          have them. Guys have plenty of
          euphemisms. Most guys have more
          euphemisms in a single day - and
          here I am thinking of a day that
          occurred in the summer between ninth
          and tenth grades - than some women
          have in a lifetime - or longer, in
          the case of certain Math Teachers.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY

          Dave walks outside, past a line of SCHOOLKIDS off a BUS.

                         DAVE
          It all goes back to a time, millions
          of years ago, when primitive males
          often had to complete their part of
          the equation quickly and right away
          stand ready to fight off attackers.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY - CONTINUOUS

          Dave walks past glassed-in DISPLAYS of CAVEMAN LIFE.

                         DAVE
          Today, however, women want euphemisms
          too -- and this ability in males is
          no longer as prized as it once was.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          80.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          In fact, when modern women describe
          the qualities they're looking for in
          the ideal man, the phrase "a real
          fast shooter" is usually pretty far
          down the list.

                         (THEN STOPPING)
          Naturally, it fell to guys to do
          something about this. So, naturally -
          they did.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. A SKI CABIN - NIGHT

          Dave stands outside while Kelly and Gene come back from
          walking their dog. In a hurry.

                         DAVE
          one technique for holding back the
          inevitable, is when the guy - just
          when he is about to have his euphemism -
          will hurl himself violently into an
          iron bed railing, and raise a lump
          on his head the size of a golf ball.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. THE SKI CABIN - CONTINUOUS

          They come in the room, shedding clothes. He lifts her,
          carries her to the bed -- with nothing but pillows against
          the wall. He stops, panicked...

                         GENE
          There's nothing there!

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. THE CABIN - CONTINUOUS

          Dave watches the LIGHT GO OFF. Turns back to the CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          In cases where there aren't any iron
          railings, a good backup technique
          can be found right on the end of the
          cold wet nose of the trusted family
          dog.
          CAMERA PANS to the window where we hear:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          81.

                         KELLY
          Yes...yes...

                         GENE
          .yesyesyesyes...yesyesyesyes...

                         KELLY
          .just hold on...yes...

                         GENE
          .yesyesyesyesYEEE00000WWWW!!!
          CAMERA PANS back to Dave.

                         DAVE
          There are also mental techniques --

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Roger and Elaine are under the sheets. Some good early
          MOANING.. .as Dave comes in, holding a mike, interview style.

                         DAVE
          One of the most time honored and
          reliable mental delaying styles, is
          the Baseball Method --
          (taps Roger's shoulder)
          -- how's it going, Champ.
          Roger pokes his head out of the blanket; stays active from
          the neck down.

                         ROGER
          Oh - yeah hi.

                         (ACKNOWLEDGES CAMERA;
          then to Dave)
          Well, the baseball thing. I mean a
          while ago I was into that - big time.
          You know, fooling around with
          different lineups, mixing up the
          batting order - like thinking about
          what would happen if you took your
          cleanup guy and made him eighth or
          something -- just something stupid
          like that, you know? Stuff you'd
          never really do.

                         DAVE
          And that did the trick.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          82.

                         ROGER
          Oh hell yeah. I mean I could go all
          night - literally all night - just
          shuffling my pitching staff around,
          or thinking about who I might try
          and sign at the winter meetings.
          Hang on --
          He goes under the blanket; pays more attention to Elaine...
          then comes back.

                         ROGER
          The thing is, it got stale. And I
          found after a while I wasn't enjoying
          sex or baseball that much. And you
          don't want to mess with that stuff.

                         DAVE

                         (CAN'T DISAGREE)
          So what do you do instead?

                         ROGER
          Math problems.

                         DAVE
          Really?
          (off his nod)
          You mean like if a train leaves
          Chicago at one o'clock and another
          train leaves Denver at two o'clock
          and they're going at different speeds?

                         ROGER
          (shakes his head)
          I can't do train ones. I always end
          up imagining this beautiful girl on
          the train - and it makes things even
          worse.
          Elaine stops. Pops her head out.

                         ELAINE
          what beautiful girl.

                         ROGER
          -- You, Elaine. The girl on the
          train is always you.

                         ELAINE
          Oh, Roger...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          83.
          Roger gives Dave a close call look...then goes back to work.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

          Dave helps himself, makes a sandwich.

                         DAVE
          As you can see, a lot of guys are
          making a tremendous effort here -
          and yet, according to certain
          standards they are still, basically,
          lame as hell on almost every single
          count. The reason for this is simple:
          women set the standards.
          (takes a bite)
          And not just bedroom standards --
          all standards. Because women invented
          standards. Remember the Dawn of Guys?

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. PREHISTORIC CUL DE SAC - DAY

          Long shadows. PRIMATE WOMEN are still at it, pounding roots
          and dealing with PRIMATE KIDS.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND ELAINE'S CAVE - DAY

          Primate Elaine, picking up around the cave. She stumbles on
          something gross... finally has had it.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE

                         (SUBTITLED)
          That's it.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAVES - DAY - LATER

          Primate Elaine addresses the OTHERS. All SUBTITLES.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          I've been thinking. We need some
          standards around here.

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          What are standards?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          84.

          PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
          What is 'thinking?'
          The others turn, look at her. Look back at Primate Blaine.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Standards are like rules. Things
          they'll have to do. And things
          they'll have to stop doing.

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          How about "no leaving your dirty
          smelly loincloths wherever you feel
          like it, and expecting me to do
          something about it?" Can that be a
          standard?

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          That can be one of the first.

          PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
          How about "No gnawing on a fish head
          during sex?"

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          There are all kinds of things we can
          get them to do.

                         PRIMATE LUCY
          How? They're stronger than we are.

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          They smell stronger maybe.

          PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
          (off their laughter)
          I like the smell.

                         PRIMATE LUCY
          Of the men, or the rotten fish?

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          There's a difference?
          More laughing; then they turn back to Primate Elaine.

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          But how will we make them go along?
          Most of them can't even remember
          which cave to come home to every
          night. How are they going to remember
          rules?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          85.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          We'll give them a Look.

                         PRIMATE LUCY
          A look?

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          A special look. A 'Certain Look.'

                         PRIMATE KELLY
          But we look at them every day. And
          they still do whatever they want.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          (as the others agree)
          I've been working on this. Watch.
          She turns to Primate Blonde Woman, who is holding a gourd.
          On the Look, the Blonde drops the gourd.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          See? And she wasn't even doing
          anything.
          Agreements and "Wows" go all around.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Now who's with me.

                         CUT TO:

          VARIOUS SHOTS, QUICK CUTS OF THE PRIMATE WOMEN TRYING TO GET

          THE "LOOK" RIGHT. EVENTUALLY, EVEN PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN

          GETS IT. . .ALTHOUGH AT ONE POINT SHE SCARES HERSELF AND DROPS

          THE GOURD AGAIN.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. TRAIL BACK TO THE CAVES - DUSK

          The Primate Guys come back lugging ANIMAL PARTS. Each now
          has his own ROCK, instead of the giant jagged slabs.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          What are you doing later.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          I don't know. Probably just stare
          at the fire.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          86.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          A bunch of us are going over to
          Primate Blonde Woman's cave to see
          what she does with those gourds.
          Want to come?

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          -- Can't. Primate Elaine's ancestors
          are still here.

                         PRIMATE GENE
          Bummer.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Tell me about it.

                         (THEN)
          They are so Ice Age...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND PRIMATE ELAINE'S CAVE - NIGHT

          Primate Roger watches Primate Elaine examine his NEW ROCK.
          Her PRIMATE MOM AND DAD hover on the edge of the discussion.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          I don't get it. What was wrong with
          the other one.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          This one's better. It's an upgrade.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          What did he say it was called?

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          An 'upgrade.' An improvement on a
          previous design.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
          What? What'd he say?

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          (to his wife)
          An upgrade. An grade.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          (to Primate Elaine)
          The guy said there are newer ones
          coming out that'll make even this
          one look primitive. They're getting
          lighter and rounder every epoch.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         87

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          What guy.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Primate Discount Manny.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER

                         (MUTTERS)
          Boy he must have seen this one
          coming...

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Dad.
          (then to Primate Roger)
          I just wanted to know what the
          difference is between this one and
          the one you had. You were so excited
          about it when you got it, and now
          you've gotten rid of it -- and the
          only difference I can see is where
          this one has these markings painted
          on.
          She holds it up; something like BASEBALL SEAMS going around.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Those make it so it travels better.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Painted on?
          (off his look)
          -- What'd it cost you.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Nothing. A couple wildebeeste steaks
          and handful of seeds of some kind.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          I told you.
          (then to his wife)
          Did I say he was a bum?

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Who's a bum. Are you calling me a
          bum?

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
          No one's calling anyone a bum.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          I'm just visiting. You do what you
          want.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          88.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          Oh yeah? Who do you think killed
          your dinner tonight?

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          Look. Just take it back. Please.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          But I can't do that! All sales are
          final!

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          You can explain it to him. Tell him
          he can keep the steaks, but we want
          the seeds back.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
          (to Primate Roger)
          I don't mean to meddle. But you
          should listen to your wife.

          PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
          That's meddling! That's meddling!
          (then to Primate Roger)
          -- But in this case she's right.

                         PRIMATE ELAINE
          (to her parents)
          Look will you both stop?
          (then to Primate Roger)
          Just take this back. All right?

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          This is totally unreasonable!

                         (THEN)
          Oh I get it. Don't tell me -- it's
          your time in the moon cycle again --
          He stops cold. Stunned by her CERTAIN LOOK. History's first
          in SLOW MOTION, FROM SEVERAL ANGLES, the way they do it when
          buildings explode in much bigger movies.

                         PRIMATE ROGER
          -- I'll take it back.
          She smiles. FREEZE IMAGE.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. MIAMI, BAYSIDE COMPLEX - DAY

          Dave strolls among the SHOPPERS, TOURISTS etc. He has the
          ROCK with him; tosses it unconsciously like a baseball.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          89.

                         DAVE
          This is basically where we stand
          today. The only difference is, we
          have way more standards.
          (gives the ROCK to a
          KID passing by)
          There are social standards, about
          being sensitive - remembering
          anniversaries, listening during
          conversations, not eating soup with
          your hands, or sitting around in
          your underwear when company's over.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

          Dave goes up the escalator; walks through the kind of 'Home
          Stylings' section where no other guy would go. Everything
          he talks about is on display in some form.

                         DAVE
          -- And there are thousands of
          standards for domestic life, involving
          even more totally un-guy concepts --
          like curtains, bedspreads, napkins,
          special hangers, little soaps shaped
          like fruit, and decorative boxes
          that hold tissues that already come
          in a box. While guys, left on their
          own in the wild, will develop
          lifestyles that don't involve any of
          these things.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. COLLEGE GUY APARTMENT - DAY

          COLLEGE ROGER and COLLEGE GENE stand in their doorway. There
          is one window, a lot of dust and nothing else.

                         COLLEGE GENE
          I know just what this place needs.

                         COLLEGE ROGER

                         (NODS)
          Hockey sticks.
          They turn around to go buy hockey sticks.

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          90.

          INT. THE SAME APARTMENT - SOME MONTHS LATER

          A RABBIT on a lawn chair drinks beer out of an ashtray.
          College Roger and College Gene play Indoor Death Hockey;
          slamming into walls, scattering NEWSPAPERS and PIZZA BOXES -
          as their IMAGE FREEZES.

                         DAVE
          of course, even by the most basic
          standards, these two are living like
          savages. But they honestly don't
          know this -- because Guys, in their
          natural state, aren't any more aware
          of domestic standards than a trout
          would be aware of the stock market.
          And this causes women a lot of
          concern.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY


                         SEATTLE GIRL
          Take laundry. To him his clean
          clothes are ready when he's ready to
          go get them. And they can dry the
          rest of the way in the drawer. But
          they don't dry the rest of the way
          in the drawer, they sit there in
          damp musty unfolded balls and he
          doesn't even mind, and I can't figure
          that out. What is the matter with
          folding something? What is the matter
          with waiting for it to be dry?

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DAVE'S CURRENT BEDROOM - DAY

          Dave unloads a laundry basket on the bed. Starts folding
          the clean clothes and making piles.

                         DAVE
          Laundry's a big issue - and a deep
          and puzzling mystery to guys. My
          own wife Michelle, for instance, is
          an accomplished sportswriter and
          mother of an extremely young child,
          yet she is still able to maintain a
          vigorous clothes-cleaning regimen
          bordering on the super-human. And
          I'm not allowed near the stuff.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          91.

                         MICHELLE
          (comes in with more

                         CLOTHES)
          He's right.
          She dumps out the clothes, sees what he's doing and takes
          over, doing it better. Dave picks up a random BLOUSE, shows
          a LABEL with lots of printing on it.

                         DAVE
          These are clearly secret codes, that
          women intuitively understand but
          cannot adequately explain -- just
          like how a lot of guys understand
          the Infield Fly Rule, without being
          able to explain that.

                         MICHELLE
          I can explain the Infield Fly Rule.

                         DAVE
          Because you're special, Sweetheart.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "GUY BASHING"

          EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY

          Dave anchors a semi circle with Sidra, Mia, Karla E and Lila.
          They take turns focus group style.

                         SIDRA
          Sometimes I think they're just like
          tapeworms. You know? I mean
          tapeworms are just tapeworms - that's
          all they are, and all they'll ever
          be. They're just these repulsive
          little parasitic beasts and nobody
          expects anything different from them -
          because people know that's their
          nature. And it's the same way with
          guys - although a tapeworm's more
          likely to help clean out the garage.

                         LILA

                         (NODS)
          They have to be the biggest and they
          have to be the best. And they can
          never back down from a challenge.
          Ever.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         92

                         KARLA E
          They sleep with your sister and wonder
          what's wrong with that.

                         MIA
          They will make a game out of anything.
          A contest out of anything. Give
          them a grain of sand and they will
          figure out some game with it.

                         LILA
          And they'll argue over the rules.

                         KARLA E
          (off their agreement)
          They leave their dirty dishes
          everywhere. I can't believe the
          places I'll find some crusted over
          cereal bowl with yuckola blobs of
          God knows what in them. And the
          thing is, from his point of view?
          They really do get cleaned by magic!
          Because I can't take seeing them sit
          there, so I clean them.

                         SIDRA
          (to Karla E)
          I just get him to wash my car when
          that stuff happens.

                         KARLA E
          Sweetheart he could wash my car with
          his tongue and it still wouldn't
          make up for where I find those dishes
          sometimes.

                         DAVE
          (while they commiserate)
          So now that we've heard your thoughts.
          The frustration, the exasperation...
          the obvious question comes to mind:
          Why go through it? Why have guys in
          your life at all?
          They look at him.

                         MIA
          -- You mean as a choice? You mean
          like a mature adult choice to have a
          guy in your life? In spite of
          everything?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         93

                         SIDRA
          Like trying to borrow money from
          you, after you've broken up, so he
          can buy something for his new
          girlfriend? And wondering what the
          problem was with that? I mean like
          really not knowing?
          Dave looks at her. They all do. Until --

                         LILA
          I'll tell you why. There is no good
          reason, that's why.
          The others turn, look her way.

                         LILA
          -- I mean don't get me wrong. They
          really can be fun. You know, like a
          big stupid dog can be fun. I mean
          not everything has to be so serious
          in life. You want to be able to do
          more with someone than just read
          book reviews together - which is
          something a guy would never do anyway.
          (then as the others

                         LISTEN CLOSER)
          But what a guy will do? Is at eleven
          o'clock at night he'll show up at
          your door and bring cheese steaks.
          And he doesn't care that you look
          all rumply and dreadful from not
          expecting anyone. He might not even
          remember that you're a vegetarian
          and don't eat cheese steaks -- but
          that doesn't really matter either.
          Because the point is he wanted one,
          and he can't come out and say it but
          he didn't want to eat it alone.

                         MIA
          And you're the person he thought of.

                         LILA
          (off her look; nods)
          I can't tell you what that feels
          like, when they do that.
          (a beat; and then)
          I swear, if they knew how adorable
          they are sometimes, they'd be
          dangerous. I mean -- more dangerous.
          The other Girls think about that. Considering...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          94.

                         SIDRA
          -- Bullshit. They're tapeworms.
          The rest of them agree and all high-five her. Dave leans
          back from the fray, turns to the CAMERA.

                         DAVE
          I think it's time for the conclusion
          now.

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE CONCLUSION"

          EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY

          A SIGN says "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT." Dave is on top of the
          hill, in a rig that the EX-LAWYER is fastening him into.

                         DAVE
          Well now you know where things stand.
          You've learned a little bit about
          guys, and the critical roles they've
          played in the past and in modern
          society today. And for better or
          worse, they're here with us to stay --
          so the best thing you can do about
          it, is continue to learn about them -
          by coming to see this movie lots and
          lots of times, and bringing more and
          more of your friends back every time
          you do. Because the more people
          that understand guys, the better for
          everyone. And the more people that --
          (as the Lawyer launches

                         HIM)

                         -- WHOAAAAAAAALII
          Off he goes. . .right out of frame, and --

          FADE TO BLACK.

          MUSIC AND END CREDITS BEGIN, AS --

                         CUT TO:

          A PICTURE OF ROGER AND ELAINE, IN ROGER'S CAR
          SUBTITLE: Roger now owns a 104-piece tool set, and he has
          successfully attempted to change his first switchplate.

          A PICTURE OF ELAINE WITH HER HEAD AGAINST THE BASEMENT DOOR

                         

                         

                         

                         

          95.
          SUBTITLE: Elaine has an open line of credit with Steve.

          A PICTURE OF GENE AND KELLY, AT A DANCE CLASS
          SUBTITLE: Gene and Kelly won the Fred and Ginger Award in
          three straight ballroom competitions. Gene was right; they
          belong together.

          A PICTURE OF SHERYL CROW, IN CONCERT
          SUBTITLE: Sheryl Crow gave a concert in Central Park for
          half a million people a while back. We weren't there, but
          we have it on CD.

          A PICTURE OF RICHARD M. NIXON WAVING GOODBYE
           SUBTITLE: Richard M. Nixon was finally elected President in
          1968. He held that position until August, 1974, when he
          resigned in disgrace.

          A PICTURE OF AGENTS LEOPOLD AND STEARNS
          SUBTITLE: Agent Leopold and Agent Stearns were fired by the
          FBI for gross incompetence. They now work in network
          television.

          A PICTURE OF THE BRITISH GUY WHO PLAYED EVERY EXPERT
          SUBTITLE: This man is not really an expert. If you see him,
          don't listen to any of his opinions.

          A PICTURE OF A BALLPLAYER, WITH HIS FACE BLURRED OUT
          SUBTITLE: Rufino Lupenza is an imaginary ballplayer, created
          by the filmmakers to prove a point. However, if he did exist,
          and if he were any good, the Yankees probably would get him.
          And that would suck.

          A PICTURE OF JOHN MADDEN ON A TV SCREEN. WHICH THEN COMES

                         ALIVE --

                         JOHN MADDEN
          Now these are the kinda end credits
          you like to see. You got the final
          update thing goin', where you find
          out how all the characters you've
          been watchin' are gonna turn out.
          You got good music, a lively kinda
          feel, and maybe most of all, the
          movie itself isn't too long --
          He reacts now, looking down at the TAIL CREDITS as they start
          speeding up.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          96.

                         JOHN MADDEN
          -- that's how you know it's a real
          movie, in my book. That's how you
          know it's not some boring kinda art
          piece made by these tortured head
          case kids fresh outta film school --
          you're not gonna come outta this
          theater talkin' about symbolism, or
          the use of darkness and light or any
          kinda mumbo-jumbo like that -- you
          come out of this movie and you're
          laughin'. And that's what I like in
          a movie - a movie that's funny but
          it doesn't take forever, you know?
          You still got some time to do
          somethin' after, maybe go get
          somethin' to eat, y'know? Because
          the guys behind the thing knew enough
          not to drag on and on and --

                         CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "THE END"
          As the MUSIC FADES.. .and it's QUIET. A good quiet...

          DAVE (V.0.)
           Hey what do you know? We got through
           the whole entire thing without saying
          "booger."

                         FADE OUT:

                         THE END