"CLERKS" by Kevin Smith





				"Clerks."

				by

				Kevin Smith




	INT: BEDROOM. EARLY-MORNING HOURS

	A DOG sleeps on a neatly made bed.

	A CLOCK reads twenty to six.

	A SHELF OF BOOKS holds such classics as Dante's Inferno,
	Beyond Good and Evil, The Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark
	Knight Returns. A FRAMED DIPLOMA, dusty and unkempt, hangs
	askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck in the
	corner, and a bra weighs one end down. A PHONE sits quietly
	atop a bundle of laundry. It suddenly explodes with a
	resounding ring-once, twice, three times. A CLOSET DOOR
	swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. THE PHONE
	rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking
	it off the trash can, O.C. THE RUMPLED FIGURE lays with his
	back to the camera, phone in hand.

				FIGURE
			(groggily)
		Hello...What?...No, I don't work
		today...I'm playing hockey at two.

	THE DOG yawns and shakes its head.

				FIGURE (O.C.)
		Why don't you call Randal?...
		Because I'm fucking tired....I just
		closed last night....
			(deep sigh)
		Jesus...What time are you going to
		come in?...Twelve...Be there be
		twelve?...Swear...

	A PICTURE OF A GIRL leans against a trophy. The picture is
	decorated with a Play-Doh beard and mustache.

				FIGURE (O.C.)
		Swear you'll be in by twelve and
		I'll do it....Twelve...Twelve or I
		walk.

	THE PHONE RECEIVER slams into the cradle. THE RUMPLED FIGURE
	slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair
	and stands.

	THE DOG stands and wags its tail. A hand pats its head. The
	Rumpled Figure lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It
	is the face of DANTE and this is Dante's room; this is
	Dante's life. DANTE grabs the dog and wrestles it.

				DANTE
		Next time, I get the bed.

										2.


	He releases the dog and sits up.

				DANTE
			(exhausted)
		Shit.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BATHROOM. MINUTES LATER

	A steaming shower fills the room. The dog licks water from
	the toilet.

						CUT TO:

	INT: KITCHEN. MINUTES LATER

	A towel-dressed DANTE opens the fridge and peers inside. He
	grabs a half-empty gallon of milk and closes the door.

						CUT TO:

	INT: KITCHEN. SECONDS LATER

	Chocolate milk mix is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two
	scoops, three scoops, four scoops.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BEDROOM. A MINUTE LATER

	DANTE gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet
	for some clothes. Some chocolate milk spills on the floor.
	THE DOG laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.

						CUT TO:

	INT: HALLWAY. MINUTES LATER

	DANTE'S feet are hastily covered. A hand grabs keys from
	atop a VCR.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: DRIVEWAY. MINUTES LATER

	A car backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street.

						CUT TO:

										3.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The car pulls up, with a screech. Feet descend to the ground
	from the open door. Keys jam into a lock and pop it open.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE lifts the metal shutter revealing the door. He opens
	it and grabs two bundles of papers, throwing them inside the
	store.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	A very dark room barely lit by the daylight. Suddenly, the
	lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the
	convenience store. THE CAT looks at DANTE as he passes the
	camera quickly. THE PAPER BUNDLE is snapped open with a
	knife. Newspapers slam into the appropriate racks. One rack
	remains empty. A coffee filter is placed in a metal pot.
	Ground coffee follows, and the mix is shoved into place in
	the coffeemaker. The switch is flicked and the machine comes
	to life. The empty newspaper rack with the heading ASBURY
	PARK PRESS seems out of place among all the other stacks of
	papers. DANTE rubs his chin and stares, puzzled. He rolls
	his eyes as it occurs to him.

				DANTE
		Shit.

	The register pops open, and a hand extracts a quarter.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	POV: NEWSPAPER MACHINE

	Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE
	approach. He stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls
	the door down, finally allowing us a clear view as he
	reaches toward the camera.

	DANTE pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press
	vending machine. He struggles to hold them all in one hand
	as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but
	the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot stops
	him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.

						CUT TO:

										4.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The papers drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding
	flop. The quarter drops back into the register drawer.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	DANTE tries to jam the key into the window shutter lock. He
	looks down at it.

				DANTE
		Shit!

	The lock is gummed up with gum or something hard and
	obtrusive like gum, preventing the key from being inserted.
	DANTE looks around and kicks the shutter angrily. The car
	trunk pops open and a hand reaches inside, pulling out a
	folded white sheet.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	A can of shoe polish is grabbed from the shelf. DANTE dips
	his fingers into the shoe polish and writes large letters on
	the unfurled sheet, leaning on the cooler.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	DANTE stands on a garbage can and tucks a corner of the
	sheet under the awning. He jumps down. The banner reads I
	ASSURE YOU, WE'RE OPEN. The door sign shifts from CLOSED to
	OPEN.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The clock reads 6:20. DANTE leans behind the counter, the
	morning routine completed. He stares ahead, catatonic, then
	drops his head in his hands. The day has begun.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The store, with its makeshift banner looming in the dim
	morning hour, just after dawn. A car drives by.

						CUT TO:

										5.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) buying coffee.

				DANTE
		Thanks. Have a good one.

				ACTIVIST
		Do you mind if I drink this here?

				DANTE
		Sure. Go ahead.

	The ACTIVIST leans on a briefcase and drinks his coffee.
	Another CUSTOMER leans in the door.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.

				ACTIVIST
		Are you sure?

				CUSTOMER
		Am I sure?

				ACTIVIST
		Are you sure?

				CUSTOMER
		Am I sure about what?

				ACTIVIST
		Do you really want to buy those
		cigarettes?

				CUSTOMER
		Are you serious?

				ACTIVIST
		How long have you been smoking?

				CUSTOMER
			(to DANTE)
		What is this, a poll?

				DANTE
		Beats me.

										6.


				ACTIVIST
		How long have you been a smoker?

				CUSTOMER
		Since I was thirteen.

	The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens
	it and extracts a sickly-looking lung model.

				ACTIVIST
		I'd say you're about nineteen,
		twenty, am I right?

				CUSTOMER
		What the hell is that?

				ACTIVIST
		That's your lung. By this time,
		your lung looks like this.

				CUSTOMER
		You're shittin' me.

				ACTIVIST
		You think I'm shitting you...

	The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.

				CUSTOMER
		What's this?

				ACTIVIST
		It's a trach ring. It's what they
		install in your throat when throat
		cancer takes your voice box. This
		one came out of a sixty-year-old man.

				CUSTOMER
			(drops ring)
		Unnhh!

				ACTIVIST
			(picks up the ring)
		He smoked until the day he died.
		Used to put the cigarette in this
		thing and smoke it that way.

				DANTE
		Excuse me, but...

										7.


				ACTIVIST
		This is where you're heading. A
		cruddy lung, smoking through a hole
		in your throat. Do you really want
		that?

				CUSTOMER
		Well, if it's already too late...

				ACTIVIST
		It's never too late. Give those
		cigarettes back now, and buy some
		gum instead.
			(grabs nearby pack, reads)
		Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this.

				CUSTOMER
		It's not the same.

				ACTIVIST
		It's cheaper than cigarettes. And
		it certainly beats this.

	Hands him a picture.

				CUSTOMER
		Jesus!

				ACTIVIST
		It's a picture of a cancer-ridden
		lung. Keep it.

				CUSTOMER
			(to DANTE)
		I'll just take the gum.

				DANTE
		Fifty-five.

				ACTIVIST
		You've made a wise choice. Keep up
		the good work.

	The CUSTOMER exits.

				DANTE
		Maybe you should take that coffee
		outside.

				ACTIVIST
		No, I think I'll drink it in here,
		thanks.

										8.


				DANTE
		If you're going to drink it in
		here, I'd appreciate it if you'd
		not bother the customers.

				ACTIVIST
		Okay. I'm sorry about that.

	Another CUSTOMER comes up to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(looks at model)
		What's that?

				ACTIVIST
		This? How long have you been smoking?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A blank wall. JAY steps into the frame, followed by SILENT
	BOB. JAY pulls off his coat and swings it into the arms of
	SILENT BOB. JAY then throws down with a makeshift slam
	dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.

				JAY
		WE NEED SOME TITS AND ASS! YEAH!

	SILENT BOB lights a smoke.

				JAY
		I feel good today, Silent Bob.
		We're gonna make some money! And
		then you know what we're going to
		do? We're going to go to that party
		and get some pussy! I'm gonna fuck
		this bitch, that bitch...
			(Blue Velvet Hopper)
		I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

	SILENT BOB points to something off-screen.

				JAY
			(to O.C.)
		What you looking at?! I'll kick
		your fucking ass!
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Doesn't that motherfucker still owe
		me ten bucks?

	SILENT BOB nods.

										9.


				JAY
		Tonight, you and me are going off
		that fucker's head, and take out
		his fucking soul! Remind me if he
		tries to buy something from us, to
		cut it with leafs and twigs...or
		fucking shit in the motherfucker's
		bag!

	Some girls walk past. JAY smiles at them.

				JAY
		Wa sup sluts?
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Damn Silent Bob! You one rude
		motherfucker! But you're cute as
		hell.
			(slowly drops to knees)
		I wanna go down on you, and suckle
		you.
			(makes blow job neck-jerks)
		And then, I wanna line up three
		more guys, and make like a circus
		seal...

	JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys,
	looking quite like a performing seal. He throws a little
	humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

				JAY
		Ewwww!  You fucking faggot! I
		fucking hate guys!
			(yelling)
		I LOVE WOMEN!
			(calmer)
		Neh.

	A GUY comes up to them.

				GUY
		You selling?

				JAY
			(all business)
		I got hits, hash, weed, and later
		on I'll have 'shrooms. We take
		cash, or stolen MasterCard and Visa.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A SMALL CROWD gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It
	has become something of a rally.

									10.


				ACTIVIST
		You're spending what? Twenty,
		thirty dollars a week on cigarettes.

				LISTENER 1
		Forty.

				LISTENER 2
		Fifty-three.

				ACTIVIST
		Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay
		someone that much money every week
		to kill you? Because that's what
		you're doing now, by paying for the
		so-called privilege to smoke!

				LISTENER 3
		We all gotta go sometime...

				ACTIVIST
		It's that kind of mentality that
		allows this cancer-producing
		industry to thrive. Of course we're
		all going to die someday, but do we
		have to pay for it? Do we have to
		actually throw hard-earned dollars
		on a counter and say, "Please,
		please, Mister Merchant of Death,
		sir; please sell me something that
		will give me bad breath, stink up
		my clothes, and fry my lungs."

				LISTENER 1
		It's not that easy to quit.

				ACTIVIST
		Of course it's not; not when you
		have people like this mindless
		cretin so happy and willing to sell
		you nails for your coffin!

				DANTE
		Hey, now wait a sec...

				ACTIVIST
		Now he's going to launch into his
		rap about how he's just doing his
		job; following orders.
				(MORE)

									11.


				ACTIVIST (CONT'D)
		Friends, let me tell you about
		another bunch of hate mongers that
		were just following orders: they
		were called Nazis, and they
		practically wiped a nation of
		people from the Earth...just like
		cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette
		smoking is the new Holocaust, and
		those that partake in the practice
		of smoking or sell the wares that
		promote it are the Nazis of the
		nineties! He doesn't care how many
		people die from it! He smiles as
		you pay for your cancer sticks and
		says, "Have a nice day."

				DANTE
		I think you'd better leave now.

				ACTIVIST
		You want me to leave? Why? Because
		somebody is telling it like it is?
		Somebody's giving these fine people
		a wake-up call?!

				DANTE
		You're loitering in here, and
		causing a disturbance.

				ACTIVIST
		You're the disturbance, pal! And
		here...
			(slaps a dollar on
			the counter)
		I'm buying some...what's
		this?...Chewlie's Gum. There. I'm
		no longer loitering. I'm a customer,
		a customer engaged in a discussion
		with other customers.

				LISTENER 2
			(to DANTE)
		Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!

				ACTIVIST
		Oh, he's scared now! He sees the
		threat we present! He smells the
		changes coming, and the loss of
		sales when the nonsmokers finally
		demand satisfaction. We demand the
		right to breathe cleaner air!

									12.


				LISTENER 3
		Yeah!

				ACTIVIST
		We'd rather chew our gum than
		embrace slow death! Let's abolish
		this heinous practice of sucking
		poison, and if it means ruffling
		the feathers of a convenience store
		idiot, then so be it!

				DANTE
		That's it, everybody out.

				ACTIVIST
		We're not moving! We have a right,
		a constitutional right, to assemble
		and be heard!

				DANTE
		Yeah, but not in here.

				ACTIVIST
		What better place than this? To
		stamp it out, you gotta start at
		the source!

				DANTE
		Like I'm responsible for all the
		smokers!

				ACTIVIST
		The ones in this town, yes! You
		encourage their growth, their habit.
		You're the source in this area, and
		we're going to shut you down for
		good! For good, cancer-merchant!

	The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE's face.

				CROWD
		Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!
		Cancer merchant!

	VERONICA enters and surveys the mess. The CROWD throws
	cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a
	loud blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the
	throng. Everyone turns to face...

	VERONICA as she stands in one of the freezer cases, holding
	a fire extinguisher.

				VERONICA
		Who's leading this mob?

									13.


	The CROWD looks among themselves. Someone points to O.C.

				SOMEONE
		That guy.

	The ACTIVIST carries his briefcase surreptitiously toward
	the door.

				VERONICA (O.C.)
		Freeze.

	VERONICA jumps off the freezer case, training the nozzle of
	the extinguisher on the ACTIVIST.

				VERONICA
		Let's see some credentials.

	He reaches into his briefcase. She pokes the extinguisher
	nozzle at him, warningly.

				VERONICA
		Slowly...

	He pulls out a business card and hands it to her. She reads
	it.

				VERONICA
		You're a Chewlie's Gum
		representative?

	He nods.

				VERONICA
		And you're stirring up all this
		antismoking sentiment
		to...what?...sell more gum?

	He nods again.

				VERONICA
			(through gritted teeth)
		Get out of here.

	He quickly flees. She blasts him with more chemical as he
	exits.

				VERONICA
			(to the crowd)
		And you people: Don't you have jobs
		to go to? Get out of here and go
		commute.

	The CROWD sheepishly exits, one by one, offering apologetic
	glances. DANTE tries to regain his composure.

									14.


	VERONICA watches the crowd disperse, disgusted.

				VERONICA
		You oughta be ashamed of yourselves.
		Easily led automatons. Try thinking
		for yourself before you pelt and
		innocent man with cigarettes.

	The last of the crowd exits. VERONICA sets the fire
	extinguisher down next to DANTE. DANTE is sitting on the
	floor, head in his folded arms.

				VERONICA
		It looked like Tiananmen Square in
		here for a second.

	DANTE is silent.

				VERONICA
		"Thank you, Veronica; you saved me
		from an extremely ugly mob scene."

	DANTE remains silent.

				VERONICA
			(sits beside him)
		Okay, champ. What's wrong?

	DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.

				VERONICA
		All right, stupid question. But
		don't you think you're taking this
		a bit too hard?

				DANTE
		Too hard?! I don't have enough
		indignities in my life-people start
		throwing cigarettes at me!

				VERONICA
		At least they weren't lit.

				DANTE
		I hate this fucking place.

				VERONICA
		Then quit. You should be going to
		school anyway...

				DANTE
		Please, Veronica. Last thing I need
		is a lecture at this point.

									15.


				VERONICA
		All I'm saying is that if you're
		unhappy you should leave.

				DANTE
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

				VERONICA
		I know. I stopped by your house and
		your mom said you left at like six
		or something.

				DANTE
		The guy got sick and couldn't come
		in.

				VERONICA
		Don't you have a hockey game at two?

				DANTE
		Yes! And I'm going to play like
		shit because I didn't get a good
		night's sleep!

				VERONICA
		Why did you agree to come in then?

				DANTE
		I'm only here until twelve, then
		I'm gone. The boss is coming in.

				VERONICA
		Why don't you open the shutters and
		get some sunlight in here?

				DANTE
		Somebody jammed the locks with gum.

				VERONICA
		You're kidding.

				DANTE
		Bunch of savages in this town.

				VERONICA
		You look bushed. What time did you
		get to bed?

				DANTE
		I don't know-like two-thirty, three.

				VERONICA
		What were you doing up so late?

									16.


				DANTE
			(skirting)
		Hunhh? Nothing.

				VERONICA
			(persistent)
		What were you doing?

				DANTE
		Nothing! Jesus! I gotta fight with
		you now?

				VERONICA
		Who's fighting? Why are you so
		defensive?

				DANTE
		Who's defensive? Just...Would you
		just hug me?! All right? Your
		boyfriend was accosted by an angry
		mob, and he needs to be hugged.

	She stares at him.

				DANTE
		What? What is that?

				VERONICA
		She called you, didn't she?

				DANTE
		Oh, be real! Would you...Would you
		please hug me? I just went through
		a very traumatic experience and I
		haven't been having the best day so
		far. Now come on.

	VERONICA stares at him.

				DANTE
		What? What's with that look?! I
		wasn't talking to anyone, especially
		her! Look at you, being all sort
		of...I don't know...stand-offish.

	VERONICA looks away.

				DANTE
		Fine. You don't trust me, don't hug
		me. I see how it is. All right
		Pissy-pants, you just go on being
		suspicious and quiet. I don't even
		want to hug you at this point.

									17.


	VERONICA looks back at him.

				DANTE
			(pleadingly)
		Give you a dollar?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A NOTE on the counter next to a small pile of money reads:

	PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE CHANGE WHEN
	APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.

	DANTE and VERONICA are slumped on the floor, behind the
	counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in her arms, his head on her
	chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.

				DANTE
			(to O.C. customer)
		Thanks.

	The door is heard opening and closing-a customer leaving.

				VERONICA
		How much money did you leave up
		there?

				DANTE
		Like three dollars in mixed change
		and a couple of singles. People
		only get the paper of coffee this
		time of morning.

				VERONICA
		You're trusting.

				DANTE
		Why do you say that?

				VERONICA
		How do you know they're taking the
		right amount of change? Or even
		paying for what they take?

				DANTE
		Theoretically, people see money on
		the counter and nobody around, they
		think they're being watched.

				VERONICA
		Honesty through paranoia. Why do
		you smell like shoe polish?

									18.


				DANTE
		I had to use shoe polish to make
		that sign. The smell won't come off.

				VERONICA
		Do you think anyone can see us down
		here?

				DANTE
		Why? You wanna have sex or something?

				VERONICA
			(sarcastic)
		Ooh! Can we?!

				DANTE
		Really?

				VERONICA
		I was kidding.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right. You can't get enough
		of me.

				VERONICA
		Typically male point of view.

				DANTE
		How do you figure?

				VERONICA
		You show some bedroom proficiency,
		and you think you're gods. What
		about what we do for you?

				DANTE
		Women? Women, as lovers, are all
		basically the same: they just have
		to be there.

				VERONICA
		"Be there?"

				DANTE
		Making a male climax is not all
		that challenging: insert somewhere
		close and preferably moist; thrust;
		repeat.

				VERONICA
		How flattering.

									19.


				DANTE
		Now, making a woman cum...therein
		lies a challenge.

				VERONICA
		Oh, you think so?

				DANTE
		A girl makes a guy cum, it's
		standard. A guy makes a girl cum,
		it's talent.

				VERONICA
		And I actually date you?

				DANTE
		Something wrong?

				VERONICA
		I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
		it takes more than that to get a
		guy off. Just "being there"-as you
		put it-is not enough.

				DANTE
		I touched a nerve.

				VERONICA
		I'm astonished to hear you
		trivialize my role in our sex life.

				DANTE
		It wasn't directed at you. I was
		making a broad generalization.

				VERONICA
		You were making a generalization
		about "broads!"

				DANTE
		These are my opinions based on my
		experiences with the few women who
		were good enough to sleep with me.

				VERONICA
		How many?

				DANTE
		How many what?

				VERONICA
		How many girls have you slept with?

									20.


				DANTE
		How many different girls? Didn't we
		already have this discussion once?

				VERONICA
		We might have; I don't remember.
		How many?

				DANTE
		Including you?

				VERONICA
		It better be up to and including me.

				DANTE
			(pause to count)
		Twelve.

				VERONICA
		You've slept with twelve different
		girls?

				DANTE
		Including you; yes.

	Pause. She slaps him.

				DANTE
		What the hell was that for?

				VERONICA
		You're a pig.

				DANTE
		Why'd you hit me?

				VERONICA
		Do you know how many different men
		I've had sex with?

				DANTE
		Do I get to hit you after you tell
		me?

				VERONICA
		Three.

				DANTE
		Three?

				VERONICA
		Three including you.

									21.


				DANTE
		You've only had sex with three
		different people?

				VERONICA
		I'm not the pig you are.

				DANTE
		Who?

				VERONICA
		You!

				DANTE
		No; who were the three, besides me?

				VERONICA
		John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.

				DANTE
			(with true admiration)
		Wow. That's great. That's something
		to be proud of.

				VERONICA
		I am. And that's why you should
		feel like a pig. You men make me
		sick. You'll sleep with anything
		that says yes.

				DANTE
		Animal, vegetable, or mineral.

				VERONICA
		Vegetable meaning paraplegic.

				DANTE
		They put up the least amount of
		struggle.

				VERONICA
		After dropping a bombshell like
		that, you owe me. Big.

				DANTE
		All right. Name it.

				VERONICA
		I want you to come with me on Monday.

				DANTE
		Where?

									22.


				VERONICA
		To school. There's a seminar about
		getting back into a scholastic
		program after a lapse in enrollment.

				DANTE
		Can't we ever have a discussion
		without that coming up?

				VERONICA
		It's important to me, Dante. You
		have so much potential that just
		goes to waste in this pit. I wish
		you'd go back to school.

				DANTE
		Jesus, would you stop? You make my
		head hurt when you talk about this.

	VERONICA stands, letting DANTE'S head hit the floor.

				DANTE
		Shit! Why are we getting up?

				VERONICA
		Unlike you, I have a class in
		forty-five minutes.

	A handsome young man (WILLAM) is standing at the counter.
	VERONICA reacts to him.

				VERONICA
			(surprised)
		Willam!

				WILLAM
		Ronnie! How are you? You work here
		now?

				VERONICA
			(locks arms with DANTE)
		No, I'm just visiting my man.
			(to DANTE)
		Dante, this is Willam Black.
			(to WILLAM)
		This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

				DANTE
		How are you? Just the soda?

				WILLAM
		And a pack of cigarettes.
			(to VERONICA; paying)
		Are you still going to Seton Hall?

									23.


				VERONICA
		No, I transferred into Monmouth
		this year. I was tired of missing
		him.
			(squeezes DANTE'S arm)


				WILLAM
		Do you still talk to Sylvan?

				VERONICA
		I just talked to her on Monday. We
		still hang out on weekends.

				WILLAM
			(leaving)
		That's cool. Well-you two lovebirds
		take it easy, all right?

				VERONICA
		I will. Take it easy.

				WILLAM
		Bye.
			(exits)


				VERONICA
		Bye
			(to DANTE)
		That was Snowball.

				DANTE
		Why do you call him that?

				VERONICA
		Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job
		thing.

				DANTE
		What do you mean?

				VERONICA
		After he gets a blow job, he likes
		to have the cum spit back into his
		mouth while kissing. It's called
		snowballing.

				DANTE
		He requested this?

				VERONICA
		He gets off on it.

									24.


				DANTE
		Sylvan can be talked into anything.

				VERONICA
		Why do you say that?

				DANTE
		Like you said-she snowballed him.

				VERONICA
		Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right.

				VERONICA
		I'm serious...

	A moment of silence as DANTE'S chuckles fade to comprehension.

				DANTE
		You sucked that guy's dick?

				VERONICA
		Yeah. How do you think I know he
		liked...

				DANTE
			(panicky)
		But...but you said you only had sex
		with three guys! You never mentioned
		him!

				VERONICA
		That's because I never had sex with
		him!

				DANTE
		You sucked his dick!

				VERONICA
		We went out a few times. We didn't
		have sex, but we fooled around.

				DANTE
			(massive panic attack)
		Oh my God! Why did you tell me you
		only slept with three guys?

				VERONICA
		Because I did only sleep with three
		guys! That doesn't mean I didn't
		just go with people.

									25.


				DANTE
		Oh my God-I feel so nauseous...

				VERONICA
		I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you
		understood.

				DANTE
		I did understand! I understand that
		you slept with three different
		guys, and that's all you said.

				VERONICA
		Please calm down.

				DANTE
		How many?

				VERONICA
		Dante...

				DANTE
		How many dicks have you sucked?!

				VERONICA
		Let it go...

				DANTE
		HOW MANY?

				VERONICA
		All right! Shut up a second and
		I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't
		freak like this when you told me
		how many girls you fucked.

				DANTE
		This is different. This is important.
		How many?!

	She counts silently, using fingers as marks. DANTE waits on
	a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting.

				DANTE
		Well...?

				VERONICA
			(half-mumbled)
		Something like thirty-six.

				DANTE
		WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?

									26.


				VERONICA
		Lower your voice!

				DANTE
		What the hell is that anyway,
		"something like thirty-six?" Does
		that include me?

				VERONICA
		Um. Thirty-seven.

				DANTE
		I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?

				VERONICA
			(walking away)
		I'm going to class.

				DANTE
		Thirty-seven?!
			(to CUSTOMER)
		My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven
		dicks!

				CUSTOMER
		In a row?

	DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.

				DANTE
		Hey! Where are you going?!

				VERONICA
		Hey listen, jerk! Until today you
		never even knew how many guys I'd
		slept with, because you never even
		asked. And then you act all
		nonchalant about fucking twelve
		different girls. Well, I never had
		sex with twelve different guys!

				DANTE
		No, but you sucked enough dick!

				VERONICA
		Yeah, I went down on a few guys...

				DANTE
		A few?

									27.


				VERONICA
		...And one of those guys was you!
		The last one, I might add, which-if
		you're too stupid to comprehend-
		means that I've been faithful to
		you since we met! All the other
		guys I went with before I met you,
		so, if you want to have a complex
		about it, go ahead! But don't look
		at me like I'm the town whore,
		because you were plenty busy
		yourself, before you met me!

				DANTE
			(a bit more rational)
		Well...why did you have to suck
		their dicks? Why didn't you just
		sleep with them, like any decent
		person?!

				VERONICA
		Because going down it's a big deal!
		I used to like a guy, we'd make
		out, and sooner or later I'd go
		down on him. But I only had sex
		with the guys I loved.

				DANTE
		I feel sick.

				VERONICA
			(holds him)
		I love you. Don't feel sick.

				DANTE
		Every time I kiss you now I'm going
		to taste thirty-six other guys.

	VERONICA violently lets go of him.

				VERONICA
		I'm going to school. Maybe later
		you'll be a bit more rational.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		Thirty-seven. I just can't...

				VERONICA
		Goodbye, Dante.

	She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a
	moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out.

									28.


				DANTE
		Try not to suck any more dicks on
		your way through the parking lot!

	Two men who were walking in the opposite direction outside
	double back and head in the direction. VERONICA went.

				DANTE
		HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A videocassette encased in the customary black box flips
	repeatedly, held by an impatient grasp. The IMPATIENT
	CUSTOMER glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of Paradise
	Lost, making a strong attempt at not noticing the glare.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(pissed off)
		I thought that place was supposed
		to be opened at eleven o'clock?
		It's twenty after!

				DANTE
		I called his house twice already.
		He should be here soon.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		It's not like it's a demanding job.
		I'd like to get paid to sit on my
		ass and watch TV. The other day I
		walked in there and that sonofabitch
		was sleeping.

				DANTE
		I'm sure he wasn't sleeping.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		You calling me a liar?

				DANTE
		No; he was probably just resting
		his eyes.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		What the hell is that? Resting his
		eyes! It's not like he's some
		goddamned air traffic controller!

				DANTE
		Actually, that's his night job.

									29.


				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Such a wiseass. But go ahead. Crack
		wise. That's why you're jockeying a
		register in some fucking local
		convenience store instead of doing
		an honest day's work.
			(tosses tape on counter)
		I got no more time to bullshit
		around waiting for that sonofabitch.
		You make sure this gets back. The
		number's eight-twelve-Wynarski. And
		I wanted to get a damn movie, too.

				DANTE
		If you'll just tell me the title of
		your rental choice, I'll have him
		hold it for you.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(storming out)
		Don't hurt yourself. I'm going to
		Big Choice Video instead.

	He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.

				DANTE
			(in a whisper)
		You forgot your keys.

	The half-filled trash can swallows the ring of keys.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	Another VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER leans against the video store
	door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and stops. He glances at
	the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		The guy ain't here yet.

				RANDAL
		You're kidding. It's almost eleven-
		thirty!

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I know. I've been here since eleven.

				RANDAL
			(kicks the door)
		Man! I hate it when I can't rent
		videos!

									30.


				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I would've went to Big Choice, but
		the tape I want is right there on
		the wall.

				RANDAL
		Which one?

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Dental School.

				RANDAL
		You came for that too? That's the
		movie I came for.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I have first dibs.

				RANDAL
		Says who?

				V.A. CUSTOMER
			(suddenly snotty)
		Says me. I've been here for half an
		hour. I'd call that first dibs.

				RANDAL
		Ain't gonna happen, my friend. I'm
		getting that tape.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Like hell you are!

				RANDAL
		I'll bet you twenty bucks you don't
		get to rent that tape.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Twenty bucks?

				RANDAL
		Twenty bucks.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		All right, asshole, you're on.

	RANDAL walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a
	sentry at post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		You see a pair of keys lying around
		here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

									31.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	RANDAL dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees
	DANTE and stops dead, midshuffle.

				DANTE
		You're late.

				RANDAL
		What the hell are you doing here? I
		thought you were playing hockey at
		one.

				DANTE
		The boss called. Arthur fell ill.

				RANDAL
		Why are the shutters closed?

				DANTE
		Someone jammed gum in the locks.

				RANDAL
		Bunch of savages in this town.

				DANTE
		That's what I said.

				RANDAL
		Shit, if I'd known you were working,
		I would've come even later.

	A pile of videocassettes is plopped onto the counter, with a
	single key on top. RANDAL balances the pile of tapes on his
	head.

				RANDAL
		What time do you have to stay till?

				DANTE
		He assured me that he'd be here by
		twelve.

				RANDAL
		What smells like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		Go open the sore.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stops RANDAL.

									32.


				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Hey-did you see a set of keys lying
		around here?

				RANDAL
			(as Short-round)
		No time for love, Doctor Jones!

	RANDAL marches off. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stares after him.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Fucking kids.

	The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER now sits on the ground, next to
	the video store door. RANDAL balances his burden and shoves
	the key into the lock. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stares as
	RANDAL enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to
	be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later.
	RANDAL smiles.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A coffee filter is shoved into the metal pan and someone
	heaps ground coffee on it. We've seen this same routine
	before. DANTE crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters,
	tossing the key into the air happily and catching it. He
	picks the cat up.

				RANDAL
		Some guy just came in refusing to
		pay late fees. He said the store
		was closed for two hours yesterday.
		I tore up his membership.

				DANTE
		Shocking abuse of authority.

				RANDAL
		I'm a firm believer in the
		philosophy of a ruling class,
		especially since I rule.
			(furtively)
		Is the Pelican flying?

				DANTE
		Don't screw with it. It makes us
		look suspicious.

				RANDAL
		I can't stand a voyeur. I'll be back.

									33.


	RANDAL heads toward the walk-in door.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BACK ROOM. DAY

	POV: VCR

	A far-away wall is the only thing we see, but mild gruntings
	give away an ascension of sorts. RANDAL'S head rises into
	view, as if he's climbing a ladder. He stops and looks into
	the lens.

	POV: RANDAL

	The PELICAN is a VCR that's hooked up to a surveillance
	camera. It records quickly. A hand reaches into the frame
	and shuts it off.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	RANDAL pulls a soda from the cooler.

				RANDAL
		Want something to drink? I'm buying.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		No, thanks.

				RANDAL
		Who was on your phone this morning
		at about two-thirty? I was trying
		to call for a half an hour.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		Why?

				RANDAL
		I wanted to use your car.

	He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at
	it.

				RANDAL
		Snake cake?

	DANTE sits in his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a
	paper and joins him behind the counter.

				DANTE
		You don't want to know.

									34.


				RANDAL
		You called Caitlin again?

				DANTE
		She called me.

				RANDAL
		Did you tell Veronica?

				DANTE
		One fight a day with Veronica is
		about all I can stomach, thanks.

				RANDAL
		What do you two fight about?

				DANTE
		I guess it's not really fighting.
		She just wants me to leave here, go
		back to school, get some direction.

				RANDAL
			(opening paper)
		I'll bet the most frequent topic of
		arguments is Caitlin Bree.

				DANTE
		You win.

				RANDAL
		I'm going to offer you some advice,
		my friend: let the past be the past.
		Forget Caitlin Bree. You've been
		with Veronica for how long now?

				DANTE
		Seven months.

				RANDAL
		Chick's nuts about you. How long
		did you date Caitlin?

				DANTE
		Five years.

				RANDAL
		Chick only made you nuts. She
		cheated on you how many times?

				DANTE
		Eight and a half.

									35.


				RANDAL
			(looks up from paper)
		Eight and a half?

				DANTE
		Party at John K's-senior year. I
		get blitzed and pass out in his
		bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives
		all over me.

				RANDAL
		That's cheating?

				DANTE
		In the middle of it, she calls me
		Brad.

				RANDAL
		She called you Brad?

				DANTE
		She called me Brad.

				RANDAL
		That's not cheating. People say
		crazy shit during sex. One time, I
		called this girl "Mom."

				DANTE
		I hit the lights and she freaks.
		Turns out she thought I was Brad
		Michaelson.

				RANDAL
		What do you mean?

				DANTE
		She was supposed to meet Brad
		Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked
		the wrong one. She had no idea I
		was even at the party.

				RANDAL
		Oh, my God.

				DANTE
		Great story, isn't it?

				RANDAL
		That girl was vile to you.

									36.


				DANTE
		Interesting postscript to that
		story: Do you know who wound up
		going with Brad Michaelson in the
		other dark bedroom?

				RANDAL
		Your mother.

				DANTE
		Allan Harris.

				RANDAL
		Chess team Allan Harris?!

				DANTE
		The two moved to Idaho together
		after graduation. They raise sheep.

				RANDAL
		That's frightening.

				DANTE
		It takes different strokes to move
		the world.

				RANDAL
		In light of this lurid tale, I
		don't see how you could even
		romanticize your relationship with
		Caitlin-she broke your heart and
		inadvertently drove men to deviant
		lifestyles.

				DANTE
		Because there was a lot of good in
		our relationship.

				RANDAL
		Oh yeah.

				DANTE
		I'm serious. Aside from the
		cheating, we were a great couple.
		That's what high school's all
		about-algebra, bad lunch, and
		infidelity.

				RANDAL
		You think things would be any
		different now?

									37.


				DANTE
		They are. When she calls me now,
		she's a different person-she's
		frightened and vulnerable. She's
		about to finish college and enter
		the real world. That's got to be
		scary for anyone.

				RANDAL
			(suddenly recalling)
		Oh shit, I've got to place an order.

				DANTE
		I'm talking to myself here.

				RANDAL
		No, no, I'm listening. She's
		leaving college, and...?

				DANTE
		...and she's looking to me for
		support. And I think that this is
		leading our relationship to a new
		level.

				RANDAL
		What about Veronica?

				DANTE
		I think the arguments Veronica and
		I are having are some kind of
		manifestation of a subconscious
		desire to break away from her so
		that I can pursue the possibility
		of a more meaningful relationship
		with Caitlin.

				RANDAL
		Caitlin's on the same wave-length?

				DANTE
		I think it's safe to say yes.

				RANDAL
		Then I think all four of you had
		better sit down and talk it over.

				DANTE
		All four?

				RANDAL
		You, Veronica, Caitlin...
			(lays paper flat)
		...and Caitlin's fiancé.

									38.


	THE HEADLINE of the engagement announcement reads, BREE TO
	WED ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

				RANDAL
		Yes, I'd like to place an order,
		please...Thank you.

	A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

				MOTHER
		Excuse me, but do you see videotapes?

				RANDAL
		What were you looking for?

				MOTHER
			(smiling)
		It's called Happy Scrappy-The Hero
		Pup.

				SMALL CHILD
		Happy Scrappy!

				RANDAL
		I'm on the phone with the
		distribution house now. Let me make
		sure they have it. What's it called
		again?

				MOTHER
		Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

				SMALL CHILD
		Happy Scrappy!

				MOTHER
			(more smiling)
		She loves the tape.

				RANDAL
		Obviously.
			(to phone)
		Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video
		calling. Customer number four-
		three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like
		to place an order...Okay...
				(MORE)

									39.


				RANDAL (CONT'D)
			(reading from list)
		I need one each of the following
		tapes: Whisper in the Wind, To Each
		His Own, Put it Where It Doesn't
		Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All
		Tit-Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need
		Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-
		Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts,
		Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked
		Sluts, Cum Buns Three, Cumming in a
		Sock, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black
		Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Slam
		It Up My Too-Loose Ass, Ass Blasters
		in Outer Space, Blowjobs by Betsy,
		Sucking Cock and Cunt, Finger My
		Ass, Play with my Puss, Three on a
		Dildo, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls
		Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone Two-The
		K.Y. Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,
		and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.
		Oh, and...
			(to MOTHER)
		What was the name of that movie?

				MOTHER
			(nearly dazed)
		Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

				RANDAL
			(on phone)
		And a copy of Happy Scrappy-The
		Hero Pup...Okay, thanks.
			(hangs up; to MOTHER)
		Sixteen forty-nine. It'll be here
		Monday.

	Silence. Then...

				SMALL CHILD
		Cunt!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE carries a litter box to be dumped. He pauses midstrike
	and lays it on the ice cream chest. DANTE picks up the phone
	and looks at the paper. He dials and waits.
	_
									40.


				DANTE
		Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint
		in today's edition...Today's
		edition...It says "Bree to Wed
		Asian Design Major...No, no;
		everything's spelled fine. I just
		wanted to know if the piece was a
		misprint...I don't know, like a
		typographical error or something...

	A CUSTOMER comes to the counter and waits. He looks at the
	litter box. A black cat suddenly jumps into it and starts
	pawing around.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		Maybe it's supposed to be Caitlin
		Bray, or Caitlin Bre, with one
		e...I'm a curious party...A curious
		party...

	DANTE on the phone:

				DANTE
		...I'm an ex-boyfriend...Well, it's
		just that we talk all the time, and
		she never mentioned this engagement,
		which is why I'm thinking maybe
		it's a misprint...

	The CUSTOMER watches as the cat takes a huge dump, leaning
	on its haunches to accommodate the stinky load.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		...Are you sure?...Maybe there's
		like a vindictive printer working
		for you...

	DANTE on the phone:

				DANTE
		Meaning like someone who maybe-I
		don't know-asked her out once and
		got shot down, and his revenge is
		throwing this bogus article in when
		the paper went to
		press...Hello?...Hello?

	DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his
	head. He then sniffs the air.

						CUT TO:

									41.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	JAY, SILENT BOB and OLAF lean against wall.

				JAY
		"Not in me." That's what she says.
		I gotta pull out and spank it to
		get it on. So I blow a nut on her
		belly, and I get out of there, just
		as my uncle walks in. It was such a
		close call. I tell you what,
		though, I don't care if she is my
		cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots
		again tonight.

	TWO GIRLS join them.

				JAY
		Oh shit, look who it is. The human
		vacuum.

				GIRL 1
		Scumbag. What are you doing?

				JAY
		Nothing. Just hanging out with
		Silent Bob and his cousin.

				GIRL 1
			(to SILENT BOB)
		He's your cousin?

				JAY
		Check this out, he's from Russia.

				GIRL 1
		No way.

				JAY
		I swear to God. Silent Bob, am I
		lying?

	SILENT BOB shakes his head:

				JAY
		See? And Silent Bob never told a
		lie in his life.

				GIRL 2
		What part of Russia?

									42.


				JAY
		I don't fucking know. What am I,
		his biographer?
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, what part of Russia are you
		from?

	OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.

				SILENT BOB
			(in Russian)
		Home.

				OLAF
			(comprehending)
		Moscow.

				GIRL 1
		He only speaks Russian?

				JAY
		He knows some English, but he can't
		not speak it good like we do.

				GIRL 2
		Is he staying here?

				JAY
		He's moving to the big city next
		week. He wants to be a metal singer.

				GIRL 1
		No way!

				JAY
		Swear.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, metal!

	OLAF makes a metal face.

				JAY
		That's his fucking metal face.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, girls nice?

	OLAF looks the girls up and down.

				OLAF
		Skrelnick.

				JAY
			(laughs)
		That's fucked up.

									43.


				GIRL 1
		What did he say?

				JAY
		I don't know, man. He's a fucking
		character.

				GIRL 2
		He really wants to play metal?

				JAY
		He's got his own band in Moscow.
		It's called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue
		Jeans" or something like that.

				GIRL 1
		That doesn't sound metal.

				JAY
		You gotta hear him sing.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, "Berserker!"

	OLAF laughs and shakes his head.

				JAY
		Come on, man, "Berserker!"

				GIRL 2
		Does he sing in English or Russian?

				JAY
		English.
			(to OLAF)
		Come on, "Berserker!" Girls think
		sexy.

				OLAF
			(relents)
		Da. Da.

				JAY
		He's gonna sing it. This is too
		funny.

				OLAF
			(in broken English)
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK
		BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
		MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!

				JAY
			(laughing)
		That's fucking funny, man!

									44.


				GIRL 1
		Did he say "making fuck?"

				JAY
		Wait, there's more.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf: sing...
			(makes pot-smoking face)


				OLAF
			(nods in understanding)
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A ROCK
		BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
		SOME POT? BERSERKER!

	OLAF busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The
	theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote,
	clicks the TV off, and ponders.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL locks the door and walks away, while OLAF sings for
	the small crowd.

				OLAF
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
		BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
		COCK? BERSERKER!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can
	is stuck on a MAN'S hand.

				DANTE
		You hold the counter and I'll pull.

				MAN
		Usually I just turn the can upside
		down.

									45.


				DANTE
			(pulling)
		Maybe we should soap your hand or
		something.

				MAN
			(straining)
		They oughta put some kind of
		warning on these cans, like they do
		with cigarettes.

				DANTE
		I think it's coming now...

	The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The
	man rubs his hand.

				MAN
		Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
		to go to the hospital.

				DANTE
		I'll throw this out. Precautionary
		measure.

				MAN
		It stings a little.

				DANTE
		A word of advice: Sometimes it's
		best to let those hard to reach
		chips go.

	DANTE steps behind the counter.

				MAN
		Thanks.

	The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister
	away.

				DANTE
		Do you know that article is accurate?
		Caitlin's really getting married!

				RANDAL
		You know what I just watched?

				DANTE
		Me pulling a can off some moron's
		fist.

				RANDAL
		Return of the Jedi.

									46.


				DANTE
		Didn't you hear me? Caitlin really
		is getting married.

				RANDAL
		Which did you like better: Jedi or
		The Empire Strikes Back.

				DANTE
			(exasperated)
		Empire.

				RANDAL
		Blasphemy.

				DANTE
		Empire had the better ending: Luke
		gets his hand cut off, and finds
		out Vader's his father; Han gets
		frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
		It ends on such a down note. And
		that's life-a series of down
		endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
		of Muppets.

				RANDAL
		There was something else going on
		in Jedi. I never noticed it until
		today.

	RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.

				DANTE
		What's that?

				RANDAL
		All right, Vader's boss...

				DANTE
		The Emperor.

				RANDAL
		Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
		is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?

				DANTE
		How do you mean?

				RANDAL
		Well, he's like the pope for the
		dark side of the Force. He's a holy
		man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
		evil one.

									47.


				DANTE
		I guess.

				RANDAL
		Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
		The Imperial government is under
		his control. And the entire galaxy
		is under Imperial rule.

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Then wouldn't that logically mean
		that it's a theocracy? If the head
		of the Empire is a priest of some
		sort, then it stands to reason that
		the government is therefore one
		based on religion.

				DANTE
		It would stand to reason, yes.

				RANDAL
		Hence, the Empire was a fascist
		theocracy, and the rebel forces
		were therefore battling religious
		persecution.

				DANTE
		More or less.

				RANDAL
		The only problem is that at no
		point in the series did I ever hear
		Leia or any of the rebels declare a
		particular religious belief.

				DANTE
		I think they were Catholics.

	A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yeah. Come in.

	He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

				RANDAL
		You know what else I noticed in Jedi?

									48.


				DANTE
		There's more?

				RANDAL
		So they build another Death Star,
		right?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Now the first one they built was
		completed and fully operational
		before the Rebels destroyed it.

				DANTE
		Luke blew it up. Give credit where
		it's due.

				RANDAL
		And the second one was still being
		built when they blew it up.

				DANTE
		Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

				RANDAL
		Something just never sat right with
		me the second time they destroyed
		it. I could never put my finger on
		it-something just wasn't right.

				DANTE
		And you figured it out?

				RANDAL
		Well, the thing is, the first Death
		Star was manned by the Imperial
		army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
		the only people onboard were
		Imperials.

				DANTE
		Basically.

				RANDAL
		So when they blew it up, no prob.
		Evil is punished.

				DANTE
		And the second time around...?

									49.


				RANDAL
		The second time around, it wasn't
		even finished yet. They were still
		under construction.

				DANTE
		So?

				RANDAL
		A construction job of that magnitude
		would require a helluva lot more
		manpower than the Imperial army had
		to offer. I'll bet there were
		independent contractors working on
		that thing: plumbers, aluminum
		siders, roofers.

				DANTE
		Not just Imperials, is what you're
		getting at.

				RANDAL
		Exactly. In order to get it built
		quickly and quietly they'd hire
		anybody who could do the job. Do
		you think the average storm trooper
		knows how to install a toilet main?
		All they know is killing and white
		uniforms.

				DANTE
		All right, so even if independent
		contractors are working on the
		Death Star, why are you uneasy with
		its destruction?

				RANDAL
		All those innocent contractors
		hired to do a job were killed-
		casualties of a war they had
		nothing to do with.
			(notices Dante's confusion)
		All right, look-you're a roofer,
		and some juicy government contract
		comes your way; you got the wife
		and kids and the two-story in
		suburbia-this is a government
		contract, which means all sorts of
		benefits. All of a sudden these
		left-wing militants blast you with
		lasers and wipe out everyone within
		a three-mile radius.
				(MORE)

									50.


				RANDAL (CONT'D)
		You didn't ask for that. You have
		no personal politics. You're just
		trying to scrape out a living.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Excuse me. I don't mean to
		interrupt, but what were you
		talking about?

				RANDAL
		The ending of Return of the Jedi.

				DANTE
		My friend is trying to convince me
		that any contractors working on the
		uncompleted Death Star were innocent
		victims when the space station was
		destroyed by the rebels.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
		a roofer...
			(digs into pocket and
			produces business card)
		Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
		And speaking as a roofer, I can say
		that a roofer's personal politics
		come heavily into play when choosing
		jobs.

				RANDAL
		Like when?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Three months ago I was offered a
		job up in the hills. A beautiful
		house with tons of property. It was
		a simple reshingling job, but I was
		told that if it was finished within
		a day, my price would be doubled.
		Then I realized whose house it was.

				DANTE
		Whose house was it?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Dominick Bambino's.

				RANDAL
		"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?

									51.


				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		The same. The money was right, but
		the risk was too big. I knew who he
		was, and based on that, I passed
		the job on to a friend of mine.

				DANTE
		Based on personal politics.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Right. And that week, the Foresci
		family put a hit on Babyface's
		house. My friend was shot and
		killed. He wasn't even finished
		shingling.

				RANDAL
		No way!

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
			(paying for coffee)
		I'm alive because I knew there were
		risks involved taking on that
		particular client. My friend wasn't
		so lucky.
			(pauses to reflect)
		You know, any contractor willing to
		work on that Death Star knew the
		risks. If they were killed, it was
		their own fault. A roofer listens
		to this...
			(taps his heart)
		not his wallet.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
	respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
	door and pokes her head in.

				WOMAN
		Is that video store open or not?

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL reads a newspaper. An INDECISIVE CUSTOMER studies the
	two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
	the other repeatedly.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(attempting a solicit help)
		They say so much, but they never
		tell you if it's any good.

									52.


	RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The
	INDECISIVE CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was
	even heard. She tries again, but this time with a different
	approach.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Are either of these any good?

	RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries
	harder, then louder and more direct:

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Sir!

	RANDAL continues to read.

				RANDAL
			(flatly)
		What.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(politely)
		Are either of these any good?

	RANDAL, as always, reads on.

				RANDAL
			(again, flatly)
		I don't watch movies.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put
	off.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Well, have you heard anything about
		either of them?

	RANDAL does his level best to not get involved.

				RANDAL
			(reading)
		No.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(in disbelief)
		You've never heard anybody say
		anything about either movie?

									53.


				RANDAL (O.C.)
		I find it's best to stay out of
		other people's affairs.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(with a new determination)
		Well, how about these two movies?
			(holds up the same two)


	RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.

				RANDAL
		They suck.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at RANDAL and his
	paper. She has caught him.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I just held up the same two movies.
		You're not even paying attention.

				RANDAL
		No, I wasn't.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I don't think your manager would
		appreciate...

				RANDAL
			(turning the page)
		I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I beg your pardon!

				RANDAL
			(reading on)
		Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
		trick me.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(defending herself)
		I only pointed out that you weren't
		paying any attention to what I was
		saying.

				RANDAL
			(turning page and reading)
		I hope it feels good.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		You hope what feels good?

									54.


				RANDAL
		I hope it feels so good to be right.
		There is nothing more exhilarating
		than pointing out the shortcomings
		of others, is there?

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter
	disbelief in the audacity of this most lackadaisical video
	clerk. The unmoving newspaper illustrates the total
	disinterest of the news-hungry RANDAL. The INDECISIVE
	CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
	back onto the wall.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(in a huff)
		Well this is the last time I ever
		rent here...

				RANDAL
		You'll be missed.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(losing it altogether)
		Screw you!

	She storms out. RANDAL is offended. He hops over the counter
	and whips the door open.

				RANDAL
			(calling after her)
		You're not allowed to rent here
		anymore!

	RANDAL closes the door and stands there, momentarily,
	totally appalled by her exiting remark, then shakes his head.

				RANDAL
		Screw me!

	He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys.
	Exiting, he locks the door behind him from the outside,
	gives it a tug to ensure its security, and storms off in the
	opposite direction from the woman.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE is staring, open-mouthed, at something O.C. RANDAL
	hurls the door open and immediately launches into his tirade.

				RANDAL
		You'll never believe what this
		unruly customer just said...

									55.


				DANTE
			(a hand up to urge
			him to hush)
		Wait.

				RANDAL
			(looking around)
		She's in here?

				DANTE
		This guy is going through all of
		the eggs. Look.

	An ODD MAN sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs,
	all opened. He grabs a carton from the cooler case, pops it
	open, and examines each egg carefully.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		This has been going on for twenty
		minutes.

	RANDAL and DANTE study the O.C. oddity.

				RANDAL
		What's he looking for?

				DANTE
		He said he has to find a perfect
		dozen.

				RANDAL
		Perfect dozen.

				DANTE
		Each egg has to be perfect.

				RANDAL
		The quest isn't going well?

				DANTE
		Obviously not. Look at all the
		cartons that didn't make the grade.

	The ODD MAN holds an egg up to the light and studies it from
	several different angles.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		Why doesn't he just mix and match?

				DANTE
		I told him that and he yelled at me.

	RANDAL snickers at his friend.

									56.


				RANDAL
		What did he say?

				DANTE
		He said it was important to have
		standards. He said nobody has pride
		anymore.

				RANDAL
		It's not like you laid the eggs
		yourself.

				DANTE
		I'll give him five more minutes
		then I'm calling the cops. I don't
		need this, man. I'm not even
		supposed to be here today.

	A SMOKER steps in.

				SMOKER
		Two packs of cigarettes.

	Dante manages to break his study of the O.C. oddity and
	searches for the smokes. The smoker glances at RANDAL and
	then at the O.C. oddity.

	The ODD MAN is spinning an egg on the floor. The SMOKER
	looks at RANDAL.

				RANDAL
			(still staring at the
			ODD MAN)
		I'm as puzzled as you.

				SMOKER
			(paying DANTE)
		I've actually seen it before.

				DANTE
		You know him?

				SMOKER
		No, I've seen that behavior before.
		Looking for the perfect carton of
		eggs, right?

				RANDAL
			(a bit astonished)
		Yeah. How'd you know?

				SMOKER
		I'll bet you a million bucks that
		the guy's a guidance counselor.

									57.


				DANTE
		Why do you say that?

				SMOKER
		I was in the Food City last year
		when the same thing happened,
		different guy though. Stock boy
		told me that the guy had been
		looking through the eggs for like
		half an hour, doing all sorts of
		endurance tests and shit. I ask the
		kid how come nobody called the
		manager, and he says it happens
		twice a week, sometimes more.

				RANDAL
		Get out of here.

				SMOKER
		I kid you not. They call it Shell
		Shock. Only happens with guidance
		counselors for some reason. The kid
		said they used to make a big deal
		about it, but there's no point.

	The ODD MAN places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor.
	He quickly whisks the handkerchief away to reveal the egg
	still sitting on the floor.

				SMOKER (O.C.)
		He said they always pay for whatever
		they break and they never bother
		anybody.

	DANTE, RANDAL and the SMOKER stare at the O.C. man.

				DANTE
		Why guidance counselors?

				SMOKER
		If your job served as little
		purpose as theirs, wouldn't you
		lose it, too?

				RANDAL
		Come to think of it, my guidance
		counselor was kind of worthless.

				SMOKER
			(grabbing matches)
		See? It's important to have a job
		that makes a difference, boys.
		That's why I kill Chinamen for the
		railroad.

						CUT TO:

									58.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	POV RANDAL: THE EMPTY COUNTER

	And then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding
	money. She can't be any more than five.

				LITTLE GIRL
			(innocently)
		Can I have a pack of cigarettes?

	RANDAL, without looking up from his magazine, completes the
	transaction. THE LITTLE GIRL puts a cigarette in her mouth.
	RANDAL hands her matches. DANTE returns to the counter as
	the girl skips away. Dante holds a price gun.

				DANTE
		Did you ever notice all the prices
		end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

				RANDAL
		You know how much money the average
		jizz-mopper make per hour?

				DANTE
		What's a jizz-mopper?

				RANDAL
		He's the guy in those nudie-booth
		joints who cleans up after each guy
		that jerks off.

				DANTE
		Nudie booth?

				RANDAL
		Nudie booth. You've never been in a
		nudie booth?

				DANTE
		I guess not.

	A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter. DANTE rings
	her up.

				RANDAL
		Oh, it's great. You step into this
		little booth and there's this
		window between you and this naked
		woman, and she puts on this little
		show for like ten bucks.

				DANTE
		What kind of show?

									59.


				RANDAL
		Think of the weirdest, craziest
		shit you'd like to see chicks do.
		These chicks do it all. They insert
		things into any opening in their
		body...any opening.
			(to customer)
		He's led a very sheltered life.

				DANTE
			(indicating CUSTOMER)
		Can we talk about this later?

				RANDAL
		The jizz-mopper's job is to clean
		up the booths afterward, because
		practically everybody shoots a load
		against the window, and I don't
		know if you know or not, but cum
		leaves streaks if you don't clean
		it right away.

				CUSTOMER
			(grabbing her bag, disgusted)
		This is the last time I come to
		this place.

				DANTE
		Excuse me?

				CUSTOMER
		Using filthy language in front of
		the customers...you should both get
		fired.

				DANTE
		We're sorry, ma'am. We got a little
		carried away.

				CUSTOMER
		Well, I don't know if sorry can
		make up for it. I found your
		remarks highly offensive.

	The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting something.

				RANDAL
		Well, you think that's offensive...

	RANDAL flips open the magazine's centerfold-a graphic
	picture of a woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread
	wide open.

									60.


				RANDAL
		...then check this out. I think you
		can see her kidneys.

	RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically
	apologizes to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.

				DANTE
		Ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry! Please,
		wait a second, ma'am...

	The CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE'S pursuit stops at the counter.
	DANTE turns on RANDAL.

				DANTE
		Why do you do things like that? You
		know she's going to come back and
		tell the boss.

				RANDAL
		Who cares? That lady's an asshole.
		Everybody that comes in here is way
		too uptight. This job would be
		great if it wasn't for the fucking
		customers.

				DANTE
		I'm gonna hear it tomorrow.

				RANDAL
		You gotta loosen up, my friend.
		You'd feel a hell of a lot better
		if you'd rip into the occasional
		customer.

				DANTE
		What for? They don't bother me if I
		don't bother them.

				RANDAL
		Liar! Tell me there aren't customers
		that annoy the piss out of you on a
		daily basis.

				DANTE
		There aren't.

				RANDAL
		How can you lie like that? Why
		don't you vent? Vent your
		frustration. Come on, who pisses
		you off?

									61.


				DANTE
			(reluctantly)
		It's not really anyone per se, it's
		more of separate groupings.

				RANDAL
		Let's hear it.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		The milkmaids.

				RANDAL
		The milkmaids?

	INSERT: MILK HANDLER

	A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the
	cooler for that perfect container of milk.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		The women that go through every
		gallon of milk looking for a later
		date. As if somewhere-beyond all
		the other gallons-is a container of
		milk that won't go bad for like a
		decade.

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		You know who I can do without? I
		could do without the people in the
		video store.

				DANTE
		Which ones?

				RANDAL
		All of them.

	MONTAGE INSERT #1/VIDEO JERKS

	A series of people addressing the camera, asking the dumb
	questions.

				FIRST
		What would you get for a six-year-
		old boy who chronically wets his bed?

				SECOND
			(in front of stocked
			new release shelf)
		Do you have any new movies in?

									62.


				THIRD
		Do you have that one with the guy
		who was in that movie that was out
		last year?

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		And they never rent quality flicks;
		they always pick the most
		intellectually devoid movie on the
		rack.

	MONTAGE INSERT #2/"Ooooh!..."

	An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.

				FIRST
		Ooooh! Home Alone!

				SECOND
		Ooooh! Hook!

				THIRD
		Ooooh! Navy Seals!

	END INSERT

	RANDAL

	It's like in order to join, they have to have an IQ less
	than their shoe size.

	DANTE

	You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the
	barrage of stupid questions I get.

	MONTAGE INSERT #3/DUMB QUESTIONS

	A series of people standing in various locations throughout
	the convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.

				FIRST
			(holding coffee)
		What do you mean there's no ice?
		You mean I've gotta drink this
		coffee hot?!

				SECOND
			(holding up item from
			clearly marked $.99 display)
		How much?

									63.


				THIRD
			(peeking in door)
		Do you sell hubcaps?

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		See? You vented. Don't you feel
		better now?

				DANTE
		No.

				RANDAL
		Why not?

				DANTE
		Because my ex-girlfriend is getting
		married.

				RANDAL
		Jesus, you got a one-track mind.
		It's always Caitlin, Caitlin,
		Caitlin...

				DANTE
			(jerking head toward door)
		Veronica!

	DANTE gives RANDAL a shove to shut him up. VERONICA enters
	the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum
	foil.

				VERONICA
		What happened to home by twelve?

	DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under
	her arm.

				DANTE
		He still hasn't shown up. Why
		aren't you in class?

				VERONICA
		Lit 101 got canceled, so I stopped
		home and brought you some lunch.

				DANTE
		What is it?

				VERONICA
		Peanut butter and jelly with the
		crusts cut off. What do you think
		it is? It's lasagne.

									64.


				DANTE
		Really?
			(kisses her forehead)
		You're the best.

				VERONICA
		I'm glad you've calmed down a bit.
			(to RANDAL)
		Hi, Randal.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
			(exaggeratively impressed)
		Thirty-seven!

				DANTE
			(to O.C.)
		Shut up!
			(to VERONICA)
		Yes, I've calmed down, I'm still
		not happy about it, but I've been
		able to deal.

	RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from O.C.

				DANTE
			(to O.C.)
		Why don't you go back to the video
		store?

	RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He
	exits.

				VERONICA
		You had to tell him.

				DANTE
		I had to tell someone. He put it
		into perspective.

				VERONICA
		What did he say?

				DANTE
		At least he wasn't thirty-six.

				VERONICA
		And that made you feel better?

				DANTE
		And he said most of them are
		college guys, I've never met or seen.

									65.


				VERONICA
		The ostrich syndrome: if you don't
		see it...

				DANTE
		...it isn't there. Yes.

				VERONICA
		Thank you for being rational.

				DANTE
		Thank you for the lasagne.

				VERONICA
		You couldn't get these shutters open?

				DANTE
		I called a locksmith and he said
		the earliest he could get here it
		tomorrow.

				VERONICA
		Bummer, Well, I've gotta head back
		for the one-thirty class.

				DANTE
		What time do you get finished?

				VERONICA
		Eight. But I have a sorority
		meeting till nine, so I'll be back
		before you close. Can we go out and
		get some coffee?

				DANTE
		Sure.

				VERONICA
		Good.
			(kisses him)
		I'll see you when you close, then.
		Enjoy the lasagne.

	She exits. DANTE leans against the magazine rack with his
	lasagne, contemplative. RANDAL pops his head in and makes
	the loud slurping noise again.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL is recommending titles to potential customers.

									66.


				RANDAL
		All right, now if you're really
		feeling dangerous tonight, then
		Smokey and the Bandit Three is the
		movie you must rent.

				CUSTOMER
			(studying box)
		This doesn't even have Burt Reynolds
		in it.

				RANDAL
		Hey, neither did ET; but that was a
		great movie, right?

	DANTE opens the door and leans in.

				DANTE
		Can you come next door? I gotta
		make a phone call.

				RANDAL
			(to DANTE)
		Smokey Three: thumbs up, am I right?

				DANTE
		The best Burtless movie ever made.

	DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tell-
	you look.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	THE CAT lies on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as
	he rings up an order. The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.

				CUSTOMER
		Awww, he's so cute. What's his name?

				RANDAL
		Lenin's Tomb.

	Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.

				DANTE
		Hello, is Mr. Synder there? This is
		Dante...Did he say if he was on his
		way here?...Here...The convenience
		store...I know, but the other guy
		called out this morning and Mr.
				(MORE)

									67.


				DANTE (CONT'D)
		Synder asked me to cover until he
		got here. He said he'd be here by
		noon, but it's one-thirty now, so
		I...Excuse me...Vermont?!...No,
		that can't be; I talked to him this
		morning...He left at what time?...He
		really went to Vermont?...When the
		hell was someone going to tell
		me?...He promised he was coming by
		noon!...Jesus...When does he get
		back?!...TUESDAY!...You've gotta be
		fucking kidding me!...I've got a
		hockey game at two, and the fucking
		shutters are jammed closed, and
		he's in Vermont?...I'm not even
		supposed to be here today!!
			(deep sigh)
		So I'm stuck here till
		closing?...This is just great...I
		just can't believe...I'm sorry, I
		didn't mean to yell at
		you...No...No, I'll be all
		right...Well, that's all I can do,
		right?...Thanks.

	He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.

				RANDAL
		Vermont?

				DANTE
		Can you believe this?!

				RANDAL
		He didn't mention it when he called
		you this morning?

				DANTE
		Not a fucking word! Slippery shit!

				RANDAL
		So, what-you're stuck here all day?

				DANTE
		FUCK!

				RANDAL
		Why'd you apologize?

				DANTE
		What?

									68.


				RANDAL
		I heard you apologize. Why? You
		have every right in the world to be
		mad.

				DANTE
		I know.

				RANDAL
		That seems to be the leitmotif in
		your life; ever backing down.

				DANTE
		I don't back down.

				RANDAL
		Yes, you do. You always back down.
		You assume blame that isn't yours,
		you come in when called as opposed
		to enjoying your day off, you
		buckle like a belt.

				DANTE
		You know what pisses me off the most?

				RANDAL
		The fact that I'm right about your
		buckling?

				DANTE
		I'm going to miss the game.

				RANDAL
		Because you buckled.

				DANTE
		Would you shut the hell up with
		that shit? It's not helping.

				RANDAL
		Don't yell at me, pal.

				DANTE
		Sorry.

				RANDAL
		See? There you go again.

				DANTE
		I can't believe I'm going to miss
		the game!

				RANDAL
		At least we're stuck here together.

									69.


				DANTE
		You've got a customer.

	RANDAL walks away.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		What? What do you want?!

	DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the phone
	again.

				DANTE
		Sanford? Dante...I can't play
		today...I'm stuck at work...I know
		I'm not scheduled, but-just forget
		it. I can't play...Neither can
		Randal...He's working too...

	RANDAL comes back. DANTE rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

				DANTE
			(getting an idea)
		Wait a second. Do we have to play
		at the park?...Hold on...
			(to RANDAL)
		Do you feel limber?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	TAPE is rolled around the top of a stick. Laces are pulled
	tightly. An orange ball is slapped back and forth by a blade.
	The HOCKEY PLAYERS fill the convenience store. Some sit on
	the floor or lean against the coolers, but all are either
	preparing or practicing. RANDAL enters, wearing his equipment.
	DANTE skates to his side.

				DANTE
			(lifting his foot)
		Pull my laces tighter.

				RANDAL
			(drops mitt and pulls laces)
		I've gotta tell you, my friend:
		this is one of the ballsiest moves
		I've ever been privy to. I never
		would have thought you capable of
		such blatant disregard of store
		policy.

				DANTE
		I told him I had a game today. It's
		his own fault.

									70.


				RANDAL
		No argument here. Insubordination
		rules.

				DANTE
		I just want to play hockey like I
		was scheduled to.

	SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.

				SANFORD
		Dante, let me grab a Gatorade.

				DANTE
		If you grab a Gatorade, then
		everybody's going to grab one.

				SANFORD
		So?

				DANTE
		So? So nobody's going to want to
		pay for these Gatorades.

				SANFORD
		What do you care? Hey, what smells
		like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		I've got a responsibility here. I
		can't let everybody grab free drinks.

				SANFORD
		What responsibility? You're closing
		the fucking store to play hockey.

				RANDAL
		He's blunt, but he's got a point.

				DANTE
		At least let me maintain some
		semblance of managerial control here.

				SANFORD
		All I'm saying is if you're going
		to be insubordinate, you should go
		the full nine and not pussy out
		when it comes to free refreshments.

				RANDAL
		He's right. As if we're suddenly
		gonna have a run on Gatorade.

									71.


				SANFORD
		Fuckin-A.

				DANTE
		All right. Jesus, you fuckers are
		pushy.

				SANFORD
		Hey man, I hear Caitlin's marrying
		an Asian drum major.

				RANDAL
		Design major.

				DANTE
		Can we not talk about this?

				SANFORD
		Fine by me. But you're living in
		denial and suppressing rage.
			(skating away; to all)
		Dante said we can all drink free
		Gatorade.

	A laid-back hurrah is heard.

				RANDAL
		Are you gonna lock the store?

				DANTE
		I don't know. You going to lock the
		video store?

				RANDAL
		Look who you're asking here. How're
		we gonna block off the street?

				DANTE
		We're not playing in the street.

				RANDAL
		Then where're we gonna play?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The sign on the door reads:

	TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPEN AFTER FIRST PERIOD.

	The PLAYERS ascend a ladder adjacent to the door, one by one.
	ON THE ROOF they jump off the ladder and skate around. More
	players join them.

									72.


	From across the street we get the full, odd perspective: a
	store with many men gliding around on the roof.

	On the roof DANTE skates and passes with another player.
	REDDING stretches, leaning against the sign. RANDAL pulls
	his mask on and slaps his glove, urging a shot. SANFORD
	skates in and takes a shot, which RANDAL blocks. JAY and
	SILENT BOB deal to a player: he drops money over the ledge
	and JAY throws up a dime bag. DANTE holds a ball in the
	center of the court.

				DANTE
		Ready?

	PLAYERS take positions. SANFORD comes to the center and
	holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and REDDING face off,
	and the ball is in play.

	The game begins as the players engage in a savage ballet.
	Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are made, shots
	are taken, CU's of various players included.

	INACTIVE PLAYERS call out encouragement and slander from the
	sidelines. More game playing including both goalies getting
	scored on and more face-offs.

	Below, a CUSTOMER tugs on the convenience store door. He
	reads the sign and then backs up into the street, attempting
	to peer over the ledge. Above, the game continues.

	Below, the CUSTOMER shifts from one foot to the other
	impatiently. He grabs the ladder and quickly ascends.

	Above, from over the ledge of the roof, we see the head of
	the customer peek. Skating feet pass rapidly before him, and
	he watches for a moment before calling out.

				CUSTOMER
		When's this period over?

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		Eight more minutes!

				CUSTOMER
		Are you shitting me? I want to get
		cigarettes!

	DANTE skids to the sidelines.

				DANTE
			(out of breath)
		If you can just wait a few more
		minutes.

									73.


				CUSTOMER
		Fuck that! I'm gonna break my crazy
		neck on this ladder!

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		Dante! Where are you?!

				CUSTOMER
		He's busy!

	DANTE starts to skate away.

				DANTE
		I'll be right back. It's almost over.

	He jumps back into the game.

				CUSTOMER
		What the fuck is this?! I want some
		service!

				DANTE (O.C.)
		In a second!

				CUSTOMER
		Fuck in a second! This is...Look at
		you! You can't even pass!

				DANTE (O.C.)
		I can pass!

				CUSTOMER
		How 'bout covering point!? You suck!

	DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.

				DANTE
		Who are you to make assessments?

				CUSTOMER
		I'll assess all I want!

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		DANTE! ARE YOU IN OR OUT!

				CUSTOMER
			(to O.C. SOMEONE)
		Don't pass to this guy! He sucks!
			(to DANTE)
		You suck!

				DANTE
		Like you're better!

									74.


				CUSTOMER
		I can whip your ass.

	Below, a WOMAN pulls at the door. She peers into the store,
	face against the glass.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		That's easy to say from over here.

				CUSTOMER (O.C.)
		Give me a stick, pretty boy! I'll
		knock your fucking teeth out and
		pass all over your ass.

	The WOMAN backs up and, shielding her eyes, looks toward the
	roof.

				WOMAN
		Is the convenience store open?

	Above, DANTE and the CUSTOMER shout down at the O.C. WOMAN.

				DANTE AND CUSTOMER
			(simultaneously)
		NO!

				DANTE
			(to CUSTOMER)
		There's a stick over there. You're
		shooting against the goal.
			(to the court)
		REDDING! COME OFF AND LET THIS FUCK
		ON!

	A new face-off pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER. The ball
	drops between the two and DANTE gets flattened. The CUSTOMER
	winds up and takes a hard shot. The ball sails off the
	court, through the air, and into a faraway yard. DANTE calls
	to the sidelines.

				DANTE
		Give me another ball.

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		There are no more.

				DANTE
		What the fuck are you talking about?
		How many balls did you bring?

	SANFORD skates up to him.

									75.


				SANFORD
			(counting)
		There was the orange ball...and the
		orange ball.

	DANTE scrambles to the edge and calls over.

				DANTE
		Are there any balls down there?!

				JAY (O.C.)
		'Bout the biggest pair you ever
		seen! NYNNE!!

	DANTE looks around, hyperventilating.

				DANTE
		You only brought one ball?!

				SANFORD
		I thought Redding had like three
		balls!

				REDDING (O.C.)
		I thought Dante had the balls.

				DANTE
		Nobody has another ball?

				SANFORD
		Shit!

				DANTE
		We get...what...twelve minutes of
		game, and it's over? Fuck! Fuck!
		Fuck! Fuck!!
			(pause; rubs head)
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

	DANTE skates off.

				SANFORD
		We still get free Gatorade, right?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. An
	OLD MAN joins him at the foot of the ladder.

				OLD MAN
		Be careful.

									76.


				DANTE
		I'm trying.

				OLD MAN
		You know the insides of those are
		filled with stuff that gives you
		cancer.

				DANTE
		So I'm told.

				OLD MAN
		I had a friend that used to chew
		glass for a living. In the circus.

	The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.

				DANTE
		And he got cancer by chewing
		fluorescent bulb glass...?

				OLD MAN
		No, he got hit by a bus.

				DANTE
			(confused)
		Oh...Can I help you?

				OLD MAN
		Well, that depends. Do you have a
		bathroom?

				DANTE
		Um...yeah, but it's for employees
		only.

				OLD MAN
		I understand, but can I use it. I'm
		not that young anymore, so I'm kind
		of...you know...incontinent.

				DANTE
		Uh...sure. Go ahead. It's back
		through the cooler.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son. Say-what kind of toilet
		paper you got back there?

				DANTE
		The white kind.

									77.


				OLD MAN
		I'm not asking about the color. I
		mean is it rough or cottony?

				DANTE
		Actually, it is kind of rough.

				OLD MAN
		Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell
		out of my hemorrhoids. Say, would
		you mind if I took a roll of the
		soft stuff back there. I see you
		sell the soft stuff.

				DANTE
		Yeah, but...

				OLD MAN
		Aw, c'mon boy. What's the difference?
		You said yourself the stuff that's
		there now is rough.

				DANTE
		Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son, you're a lifesaver.

	The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The
	OLD MAN returns.

				OLD MAN
		Say, young fella, you know I hate
		to bother you again, but can I take
		a paper or something back there...to
		read? It usually takes me a while,
		and I like to read while it's going
		on.

				DANTE
		Jesus...go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks, young man. You've got a
		heart of gold.

	The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines.
	He comes back to the counter.

				DANTE
		You know, you probably could've
		been home, already, in the time
		it's taken you to get in there.

									78.


				OLD MAN
		Can I trouble you for one of those
		magazines?

				DANTE
		I said go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		No, I mean the ones there. Behind
		the counter.

	DANTE glances over and reacts.

				DANTE
		The porno mags?

				OLD MAN
		Yeah. I like the cartoons. They
		make me laugh. They draw the
		biggest titties.

				DANTE
			(hands one to him)
		Here. Now leave me alone.

				OLD MAN
		Uh, can I have the other one. The
		one below this one. They show more
		in that one.

	DANTE makes the switch.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son. I appreciate this.

	The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close,
	then the front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.

				RANDAL
		Helluva game!

				DANTE
		One ball!! They come all the way
		here...I close the damn store...for
		one ball!

				RANDAL
		Hockey's hockey. At least we got to
		play.

				DANTE
		Randal, twelve minutes is not a
		game! Jesus, it's barely a warm-up!

									79.


				RANDAL
		Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want
		something to drink?
			(walking away)


				DANTE
		Gatorade.

	Pause. Then...

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		What happened to all the Gatorade?

				DANTE
		Exactly. They drank it all.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		After an exhausting game like that
		I can believe it.

				DANTE
			(as RANDAL)
		"It's not like we're gonna sell
		out."

	RANDAL comes back with drinks.

				RANDAL
		You know what Sanford told me?
			(offering drink)


				DANTE
		I still can't believe Caitlin's
		getting married.

				RANDAL
		Julie Dwyer died.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right.

				RANDAL
		No, I'm serious.

	DANTE is visibly taken aback.

				DANTE
		Oh, my god.

				RANDAL
		Sanford's brother dates her cousin.
		He found out this morning.

									80.


				DANTE
		How? When?

				RANDAL
		Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

				DANTE
		Jesus.

				RANDAL
		She was swimming at the YMCA pool
		when it happened. Died midbackstroke.

				DANTE
		I haven't seen her in almost two
		years.

				RANDAL
		Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't
		she one of the illustrious twelve?

				DANTE
		Number six.

				RANDAL
		You've had sex with a dead person.

				DANTE
		I'm gonna go to her wake.

				RANDAL
		No, you're not.

				DANTE
		Why not?

				RANDAL
		It's today.

				DANTE
		What!?

				RANDAL
		Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next
		show is at four.

				DANTE
		Shit. What about tomorrow?

				RANDAL
		One night only. She's buried in the
		morning.

									81.


				DANTE
		You've gotta watch the store. I
		have to go to this.

				RANDAL
		Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred
		to you that I might bereaved as well?

				DANTE
		You hardly knew her!

				RANDAL
		True, but do you know how many
		people are going to be there? All
		of our old classmates, to say the
		least.

				DANTE
		Stop it. This is beneath even you.

				RANDAL
		I'm not missing what's probably
		going to be the social event of the
		season.

				DANTE
		You hate people.

				RANDAL
		But I love gatherings. Isn't it
		ironic?

				DANTE
		Don't be an asshole. Somebody has
		to stay with the store.

				RANDAL
		If you go, I go.

				DANTE
		She meant nothing to you!

				RANDAL
		She meant nothing to you either
		until I told you she died.

				DANTE
		I'm not taking you to this funeral.

				RANDAL
		I'm going with you.

				DANTE
		I can't close the store.

									82.


				RANDAL
		You just closed the store to play
		hockey on the roof!

				DANTE
		Exactly, which means I can't close
		it for another hour so we can both
		go to a wake.

						CUT TO:

	INT CAR: DAY

	DANTE drives with passenger RANDAL, their backs to the camera.

				RANDAL
		You were saying?

				DANTE
		Thanks for putting me in a tough
		spot. You're a good friend.

	Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		She was pretty young, hunhh?

				DANTE
		Twenty-two; same as us.

				RANDAL
		An embolism in a pool.

				DANTE
		An embarrassing way to die.

				RANDAL
		That's nothing compared to how my
		cousin Walter died.

				DANTE
		How'd he die?

				RANDAL
		Broke his neck.

				DANTE
		That's embarrassing?

				RANDAL
		He broke his neck trying to suck
		his own dick.

	Absolute silence. Then...

									83.


				DANTE
		Shut the hell up.

				RANDAL
		Bible truth.

				DANTE
		Stop it.

				RANDAL
		I swear.

				DANTE
		Oh, my god.

				RANDAL
		Come on. Haven't you ever tried to
		suck your own dick?

				DANTE
		No!

				RANDAL
		Yeah sure. You're so repressed.

				DANTE
		Because I never tried to suck my
		own dick?

				RANDAL
		No, because you won't admit to it.
		As if a guy's a fucking pervert
		because he tries to go down on
		himself. You're as curious as the
		rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

				DANTE
		Who found him?

				RANDAL
		My cousin? My aunt found him. On
		his bed, doubled over himself with
		his legs on top. Dick in his mouth.
		My aunt freaked out. It was a mess.

				DANTE
		His dick was in his mouth?

				RANDAL
		Balls resting on his lips.

				DANTE
		He made it, hunhh?

									84.


				RANDAL
		Yeah, but at what a price.

	Silence. Then...

				DANTE
		I could never reach.

				RANDAL
		Reach what?

				DANTE
		You know.

				RANDAL
		What, your dick?

				DANTE
		Yeah. Like you said, you know. I
		guess everyone tries it, sooner of
		later.

				RANDAL
		I never tried it.

	DANTE glares at RANDAL. Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		Fucking pervert.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

	DANTE and RANDAL walk up the path to the funeral parlor.

				DANTE
		I know it was a bad idea to close
		the store.

				RANDAL
		Listen to you.

				DANTE
		I can't help it. At least when we
		were playing hockey outside, I
		could see if anyone wanted to go in.

				RANDAL
		Nobody's there. It's four o'clock
		on a Saturday. How many people ever
		come to the store at four on a
		Saturday?

						CUT TO:

									85.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A MASSIVE CROWD is outside the store.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

	DANTE and RANDAL run from the front door, closely chased by
	a small crowd of angry mourners. Car locks are slammed down.
	The car screams away. The pursuing crowd stands in the
	middle of the street, shaking their fists, throwing things.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	The car pulls up and RANDAL and DANTE get out. Absolutely
	nobody is outside.

				DANTE
			(furious)
		I can't fucking believe you!!

				RANDAL
		I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault!

				DANTE
		You knocked the fucking casket
		over, for Chrissakes!

				RANDAL
		I was just leaning on it! It was an
		accident!

				DANTE
		Does anyone ever knock over a
		casket on purpose?

				RANDAL
		So the casket fell over! Big deal!

				DANTE
		Her fucking body fell out!

				RANDAL
		So they'll put her back in! It's
		not like it's gonna matter if she
		breaks something!

				DANTE
			(opening door)
		Just...go! Go open the video store.

									86.


				JAY (O.C.)
			(mimicking)
		Yeah! Open the video store!!

				RANDAL
			(to O.C.)
		Shut the fuck up, junkie!

	JAY enters the frame, right next to RANDAL. He aims his butt
	at him and farts. RANDAL lunges for him. DANTE grabs RANDAL.

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Go open the video store.

				JAY
		Yeah, you cock-smoking clerk.

				DANTE
			(to JAY)
		How many times I gotta tell you not
		to deal outside the store.

				JAY
		I'm not dealing.

	A KID tugs at JAY'S shirt.

				KID
		You got anything, man?

				JAY
		Yeah, what do you want?

	RANDAL heads to the video store. DANTE enters the convenience
	store and slides the sign to OPEN. After a few seconds, the
	IMPATIENT CUSTOMER (guy who lost his keys) appears,
	flashlight in hand, scanning the ground.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(to JAY)
		Hey, did you see a set of keys
		lying around here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE rearranges the milk. RANDAL joins him.

				RANDAL
		Let me borrow your car.

									87.


				DANTE
		I don't want to talk to you.

				RANDAL
		Fine. Just lend me your car.

				DANTE
		Why should I loan you my car?

				RANDAL
		I want to rent a movie.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		You want to rent a movie.

	DANTE walks away, shaking his head.

				RANDAL
		What's that for?

				DANTE
		You work in a video store!

	They head back to the counter.

				RANDAL
		I work in a shitty video store. I
		want to go to a good video store so
		I can rent a good movie.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE AND RANDAL
			(simultaneously)
		YES!

	The CUSTOMER comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(pets cat)
		Cute cat. What's its name?

				RANDAL
		Annoying Customer.

	The CUSTOMER lets it sink in, and then leaves in a huff.
	DANTE puts up cigarettes.

									88.


				DANTE
		Can you imagine being halfway
		decent to the customers at least
		some of the time?

				RANDAL
		Let me borrow your car.

				DANTE
			(calmer)
		May I be blunt with you?

				RANDAL
		If you must.

				DANTE
		We are employees of Quick Stop
		Convenience and RST video,
		respectively. As such, we have
		certain responsibilities which-
		though it may seem cruel and
		unusual-does include manning our
		posts until closing.

				RANDAL
		I see. So playing hockey and
		attending wakes-these practices are
		standard operating procedure.

				DANTE
		There's a difference. Those were
		obligations. Obligations that could
		not have been met at any later date.
		Now renting videos-that's just
		gratuitous, not to mention
		illogical, considering you work in
		a video store.

	Another CUSTOMER leans in.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
			(rolls his eyes)
		Yes.

				RANDAL
		You know what? I don't think I care
		for you rationale.

									89.


				DANTE
		It's going to have to do for now,
		considering that it's my car that's
		up for request.
			(to CUSTOMER)
		Can I help you?

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.

				RANDAL
		What's your point?

				DANTE
		My point is that you're a clerk,
		paid to do a job. You can't just do
		anything you want while you're
		working.

				CUSTOMER
			(reading tabloid)
		"Space Alien Revealed as Head of
		Time Warner; Reports Stock
		Increase."
			(to DANTE and RANDAL)
		They print any kind of shit in
		these papers.

				DANTE
		They certainly do. Two fifty-five.

				RANDAL
		So your argument is that title
		dictates behavior?

				DANTE
		What?

				RANDAL
		The reasons you won't let me borrow
		your care is because I have a title
		and a job description, and I'm
		supposed to follow it, right?

				DANTE
		Exactly.

				CUSTOMER
			(interjecting)
		I saw one, one time, that said the
		world was ending the next week.
				(MORE)

									90.


				CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
		Then in the next week's paper, they
		said we were miraculously saved at
		the zero hour by a Koala-fish
		mutant bird. Crazy shit.

				RANDAL
			(eyes the CUSTOMER, annoyed)
		So I'm no more responsible for my
		own decisions while I'm here at
		work than, say, the Death Squad
		soldiers in Bosnia?

				DANTE
		That's stretching it. You're not
		being asked to slay children or
		anything.

				RANDAL
		Not yet.
			(sips water)


				CUSTOMER
			(again with the interjections)
		And I remember this one time the
		damn paper said...

	RANDAL spits a mist of water at the customer, drenching him.
	The man reacts violently, attempting to grab RANDAL from
	over the counter. RANDAL makes no move, but remains untouched.
	DANTE plays block.

				CUSTOMER
		I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD!
		YOU FUCKING JERKOFF!

				DANTE
		Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean
		it! He was trying to get me.

				CUSTOMER
		Well, he missed!

				DANTE
		I know. I'm sorry. Let me refund
		your cigarette money, and we'll
		call it even.

									91.


				CUSTOMER
			(considerably calmer;
			takes money)
		This is the last time I ever come
		here.
			(to RANDAL)
		And if I ever see you again, I'm
		gonna break your fucking head open!

	The CUSTOMER leaves, wiping water from his face. RANDAL
	salutes him.

				DANTE
			(angrily)
		What the fuck did you do that for?

				RANDAL
		Two reasons: one, I hate when the
		people can't shut up about the
		stupid tabloid headlines.

				DANTE
		Jesus!

				RANDAL
		And two, to make a point: title
		does not dictate behavior.

				DANTE
		What?

				RANDAL
		If title dictated my behavior, as a
		clerk serving the public, I wouldn't
		be allowed to spit a mouthful of
		water at that guy. But I did, so my
		point is that people dictate their
		own behavior. Hence, even though
		I'm a clerk in this video store, I
		choose to go rent videos at Big
		Choice.
			(extends opened palm)
		Agreed?

				DANTE
			(shakes his head;
			hands over keys)
		You're a danger to both the dead
		and the living.

				RANDAL
		I like to think I'm a master of my
		own destiny.

									92.


				DANTE
		Please, get the hell out of here.

				RANDAL
		I know I'm your hero.

	RANDAL exits.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE waits on a customer (TRAINER). He lifts the gallon of
	milk into a paper bag, letting out a slight grunt.

				TRAINER
		Sounds to me like somebody needs to
		hit the gym.

				DANTE
		Excuse me?

				TRAINER
		I heard you strain when you put the
		milk in the bag. That milk only
		weighs about seven pounds.

				DANTE
		I didn't strain. I sighed.

				TRAINER
		I don't think so. That was a grunt;
		a deep inhalation of oxygen to aid
		in the stretching of muscles. I'm a
		trainer. I know what that sound
		signifies: you're out of shape.

				DANTE
		I don't think so.

				TRAINER
		Oh, I do. You made the same noise
		when you reached across the counter
		for my cash. Your muscles are thin
		and sadly underutilized.

				DANTE
		They are not.

				TRAINER
		Yes, they are. You're out of shape.

									93.


				DANTE
		What are you talking about? There's
		no fat on this body.

				TRAINER
		No fat, but no tone either. You
		don't get enough exercise.

	A female customer (HEATHER) leans in the doorway.

				HEATHER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yes.

				HEATHER
			(grabs a paper)
		Just the paper.

				DANTE
			(to HEATHER)
		Thirty-fire.

				TRAINER
			(to HEATHER)
		Let me ask you a question: Do you
		think this guy's out of shape?

				HEATHER
			(studies DANTE)
		I don't know. I can't really tell
		from here.

				TRAINER
		He is.

				DANTE
		I am not.

				TRAINER
		How much can you bench?

				DANTE
		I don't know.

				HEATHER
			(studying DANTE)
		I'd say about sixty, seventy-tops.

				DANTE
		I know I can bench more than that!

									94.


				TRAINER
		I think the lady called it.

				HEATHER
		My ex-boyfriend was about his
		height, but he was much bulkier. He
		could bench two-fifty, three
		hundred easy.

				TRAINER
		I do about three-fifty, four.

				HEATHER
		No way!

				TRAINER
			(rolling up sleeve)
		Feel that.

				HEATHER
		That's tight. Solid.

				TRAINER
		Now feel his.
			(to DANTE)
		Roll up your sleeve, chief.

				DANTE
		Oh for God's sake!

				TRAINER
		See? You're ashamed. You know
		you're out of shape. Take my card.
		I can help you tone that body up in
		no time. Get you on an aerobics and
		free-weights program.

	A SUITED MAN carrying a notebook comes to the counter.

				SUITED MAN
		You open?

				DANTE
			(to MAN)
		Yes.
			(to TRAINER)
		I'm not out of shape.

				SUITED MAN
		Excuse me, but have you been here
		all day?

				DANTE
		What?

									95.


				HEATHER
			(still studying DANTE)
		He's got those love handles.

				DANTE
			(to HEATHER)
		I don't have love handles.

				SUITED MAN
		Were you working here at about four
		o'clock?

				DANTE
		I've been here since six o'clock
		this morning. Why?

				TRAINER
			(to HEATHER)
		It's probably from being around all
		this food every day.

				HEATHER
		Oh, I know. If I had to work here
		all day, I'd be bloated and out of
		shape, too.

				DANTE
		I'm not out of shape!

				SUITED MAN
		Can I have your name please?

				DANTE
		Dante Hicks. Why? What is this about?

	The SUITED MAN scribbles in his notebook.

				HEATHER
		You're Dante Hicks? Oh my God! I
		didn't even recognize you!

				TRAINER
		Because he's out of shape.

				DANTE
		Do I know you?

				HEATHER
		You remember Alyssa Jones? She hung
		out with...

				DANTE
		Caitlin Bree. Yeah?

									96.


				HEATHER
		I'm her sister.

				DANTE
		You're Alyssa's sister? Heather?

				HEATHER
		Yep. I remember you got caught in
		my parents' room with Caitlin once.

				TRAINER
		Did you say Caitlin Bree?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				TRAINER
		Pretty girl, about this girl's
		height-dark hair-gorgeous body?

				DANTE
		Yeah?

				TRAINER
		And your name is Dante Hicks? You
		went to high school with her? You
		played hockey?

				DANTE
		How do you know that?

				TRAINER
		Oh man! Hey, you still going out
		with her?

				DANTE
		No, she's getting married.

				TRAINER
		To you?

				HEATHER
		To an Asian design major.

				TRAINER
		Shit!
			(to DANTE)
		Don't take this the wrong way, but
		I used to fuck her.

				DANTE
		What?

									97.


				TRAINER
		While you two were dating in high
		school. We're talking four, five
		years ago, back when I drove a
		Trans-Am.

				HEATHER
		Oh my God! You're Rick Derris?

				TRAINER
		Yeah!

				DANTE
		You know him?

				HEATHER
		Caitlin used to talk about him all
		the time.

				TRAINER
		Really?

				HEATHER
		Oh yeah. You were the built older
		guy with the black Trans and the
		big...

				DANTE
		Wait a second!
			(to TRAINER)
		You used to sleep with Caitlin Bree?
		While I was dating her?

				TRAINER
		All the time. That girl was like a
		rabbit.

				DANTE
		I...I don't believe this...

				HEATHER
			(to TRAINER)
		I still remember Caitlin telling us
		about that time you two went to
		that motel-the one with the mirrors
		and the hot tub in the room.

				DANTE
		THE GLADES MOTEL?

									98.


				TRAINER
		Holy shit! She told you about that!
			(to DANTE)
		Buddy of mine worked there. Said he
		watched the whole thing. They used
		to film people at that hotel;
		nobody knew about it.

				HEATHER
		She said one time you set up a tent
		on the beach and you guys did it in
		the middle of this big rainstorm.

				DANTE
		What? When? When did all this shit
		happen?

				TRAINER
		Hey man, that was a long time ago.
		Don't let it get to you.

				HEATHER
		I'm surprised you never found out
		about it, Dante. Everybody in
		school knew-even in my class.

				DANTE
		Jesus Christ, what next?

	The SUITED MAN rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and
	hands it to DANTE.

				SUITED MAN
		Here you go.

				DANTE
		What's this?

				SUITED MAN
		A fine, for five hundred dollars.

				DANTE
		WHAT?

				TRAINER
		Five hundred bucks? What for?

				SUITED MAN
		For violation of New Jersey Statute
		Section Two A, number one-seventy
		slash fifty-one: Any person who
		sells or makes available tobacco or
		tobacco-related products to persons
		under the age of eighteen is
		regarded as disorderly.

									99.


				DANTE
		What are you talking about?

				SUITED MAN
		According to the NJAC-the New
		Jersey Administrative Code, section
		eighteen, five, slash twelve point
		five-a fine of no less than two
		hundred and fifty dollars is to be
		leveled against any person reported
		selling cigarettes to a minor.

				DANTE
		I didn't do that!

				SUITED MAN
		You said you were here all day?

				DANTE
		Yeah, but I didn't sell cigarettes
		to any kids!

				SUITED MAN
		An angry mother called the state
		division of taxation and complained
		that the man working at Quick Stop
		Convenience sold her five-year-old
		daughter cigarettes today at around
		four o'clock. Division of taxation
		calls the State Board of Health,
		and they send me down here to issue
		a fine. You say you were working
		all day, hence the fine is yours.
		It's doubled due to the incredibly
		young age of the child.

				DANTE
		But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kid!

				TRAINER
		To a five-year-old kid? What a
		scumbag!

				HEATHER
		That's sick, Dante.

				DANTE
		I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kids! I swear!

									100.


				SUITED MAN
		The due date is on the bottom. This
		summons cannot be contested in any
		court of law. Failure to remit
		before the due date will result in
		a charge of criminal negligence,
		and a warrant will be issued for
		your arrest. Have a nice day.

	The SUITED MAN exits, with DANTE trying to follow.

				DANTE
		But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kids! Hey!

				TRAINER
			(takes back the card)
		Forget it. I don't want to deal
		with a guy that sells cigarettes to
		a five-year-old.
			(to HEATHER)
		Can I offer you a ride somewhere?

				HEATHER
		Sure. How about the beach?

				TRAINER
		I like the way you think.

	The two exit. DANTE, alone, studies his summons. He rubs his
	forehead.

				DANTE
		Jesus! What next?

				VOICE (O.C.)
		Dante?

	DANTE spins, angrily.

				DANTE
		What?

	His expression softens.

				DANTE
		Caitlin?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	JAY deals with a customer as SILENT BOB looks on.

									101.


				JAY
		That's the price, my brother.

				JOHN
		Yo, I don't have that kind of cash.

				JAY
		For this kind of hash, you need
		that kind of cash.

				JOHN
		How long you gonna be here?

				JAY
		Till ten. Then I'm going to John
		K's party.

				JOHN
		You're gonna be at John K's party?

				JAY
			(to SILENT BOB)
		My man is deaf.
			(yelling)
		I'M GOING TO JOHN K'S PARTY!
			(quieter)
		Neh.

				JOHN
		Yo, don't sell all that. 'Cause I'm
		gonna get the cash and buy it from
		you at John K's. You're gonna bring
		it, right?

				JAY
		The only place I don't bring my
		drugs is church. And that ain't
		till Sunday morning.

				JOHN
		Yo. I'll see you at that party.
			(puts his hand up to
			be slapped)
		I'll see you there?

				JAY
			(reluctantly slapping hands)
		I'll see you there.

	JOHN leaves. JAY turns to SILENT BOB.

									102.


				JAY
		It's motherfuckers like that who
		give recreational drug users a bag
		name.
			(suddenly spotting
			someone O.C.)
		HEY BABY! YOU EVER HAD YOUR ASSHOLE
		LICKED?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE and CAITLIN are embracing very tightly. We hold on
	them for a few seconds, just to let it sink in. Then...

				DANTE
		When did you get back?

				CAITLIN
		Just now.

				DANTE
		My God. I haven't seen you since...
			(he hugs her again)


				CAITLIN
		Dante. You've got a customer.

	DANTE hops behind the counter. A customer pays for something
	while DANTE continues to talk.

				CAITLIN
		I just saw Alyssa's little sister
		outside. She was with Rick Derris.

				DANTE
		Let's not talk about that. How'd
		you get home?

				CAITLIN
		Train. It took eight hours.

				DANTE
		I can't believe you're here.

	Another customer comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Excuse me, do you have...

									103.


				DANTE
			(to CUSTOMER)
		To the back, above the oil.
			(to CAITLIN)
		How long are you staying?

				CAITLIN
		Until Monday. Then I have to take
		the train back.

	Yet another customer comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(to CAITLIN)
		Congratulations. I saw that
		announcement in today's paper.
			(to DANTE)
		She's marrying an Asian design major.

				DANTE
		So I'm told.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	JAY and SILENT BOB lean against the wall.

				JAY
		Man, it's fucking slow.

	SILENT BOB walks out of the frame, leaving JAY alone against
	the wall. He comes back a few seconds later, carrying a
	mini-Walkman with ten-watt speakers. He sets it down on the
	ground and turns it on. House music starts playing. Jay-
	possessed by the beat-breaks into an impromptu dance, in
	which he makes suggestive and often lewd moves. SILENT BOB
	leans against the wall.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	On counter.

				CAITLIN
		You're just going to lock the store
		like that?

				DANTE
		I want to talk to you about
		something, and I don't want to be
		disturbed.

									104.


				CAITLIN
		You saw it?

				DANTE
		Very dramatic, I thought.

				CAITLIN
		It's not what you think.

				DANTE
		What, it's worse? You're pregnant
		with an Asian design major's child?

				CAITLIN
		I'm not pregnant.

				DANTE
		Were you going to tell me or just
		send me an invitation?

				CAITLIN
		I was going to tell you. But then
		we were getting along so well, I
		didn't want to mess it up.

				DANTE
		You could've broke it to me gently,
		you know; at least started by
		telling me you had a boyfriend. I
		told you I have a girlfriend.

				CAITLIN
		I know, I'm sorry. But when we
		started talking...it's like I
		forgot I had a boyfriend. And then
		he proposed last month...

				DANTE
		And you said yes?

				CAITLIN
		Well...kind of, sort of?

				DANTE
		Is that what they teach you at that
		school of yours? Kind of, sort of?
		Everyone knows about this except me!
		Do you know how humiliating that is?

				CAITLIN
		I would've told you, and you would
		have stopped calling, like a baby.

									105.


				DANTE
		How do you know that?

				CAITLIN
		Because I know you. You prefer
		drastic measures to rational ones.

				DANTE
		So you're really getting married?

				CAITLIN
		No.

				DANTE
		No, you're not really getting
		married?

				CAITLIN
		The story goes like this: He
		proposed, and I told him I had to
		think about it, and he insisted I
		wear the ring anyway. Then my
		mother told the paper we were
		engaged.

				DANTE
		How like her.

				CAITLIN
		Then my mother called me this
		morning and told me the announcement
		was in the paper. That's when I
		hopped the train to come back here,
		because I knew you'd be a wreck.

				DANTE
		Thanks for the vote of confidence.

				CAITLIN
		Was I right?

				DANTE
		Wreck is a harsh term. Disturbed is
		more like it. Mildly disturbed even.

				CAITLIN
		I love a macho façade. It's such a
		turn-on.
			(sniffing air)
		What smells like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		And you came here to what? To
		comfort me?

									106.


				CAITLIN
		The last thing I needed was for you
		to think I was hiding something
		from you.

				DANTE
		But you were.

				CAITLIN
		No, I wasn't. Not really. I told
		you'd I'd been seeing other people.

				DANTE
		Yeah, but not seriously. Christ,
		you're ready to walk down the
		aisle-I'd say that constitutes
		something more than just seeing
		somebody.

				CAITLIN
		I'm giving him his ring back.

				DANTE
		What?

				CAITLIN
		I don't want to marry him. I don't
		want to get married now. I'm on the
		verge of graduation. I want to go
		to grad school after this. And then
		I want to start a career. I don't
		want to be a wife first, and then
		have to worry about when I'' going
		to fit in all of the other stuff.
		I've come way too far and studied
		too hard to let my education go to
		waste as a housewife. And I know
		that's what I'd become. Sang's
		already signed with a major firm,
		and he's going to be pulling a huge
		salary, which would give me no
		reason to work, and he's so
		traditional anyway...

				DANTE
		Sang? His name is a past tense?

				CAITLIN
		Stop it. He's a nice guy.

				DANTE
		If he's so nice, why aren't you
		going to marry him?

									107.


				CAITLIN
		I just told you.

				DANTE
		There's more, isn't there?

				CAITLIN
		Why, Mr. Hicks-whatever do you mean?

				DANTE
		Tell me I don't have something to
		do with it.

				CAITLIN
		You don't have anything to do with
		it.

				DANTE
		You lie.

				CAITLIN
		Look how full of yourself you are.

				DANTE
		I just believe in giving credit
		where credit is due. And I believe
		that I'm the impetus behind your
		failure to wed.

				CAITLIN
		If I'm so nuts about you, then why
		am I having sex with an Asian
		design major?

				DANTE
		Jesus, you're caustic.

				CAITLIN
		I had to bring you down from that
		cloud you were floating on. When I
		say I don't want to get married, I
		mean just that. I don't want to
		marry anybody. Not for years.

				DANTE
		So who's asking? I don't want to
		marry you.

				CAITLIN
		Good. Stay in that frame of mind.

				DANTE
		Buy can we date?

									108.


				CAITLIN
		I'm sure Sang and-Veronica?-would
		like that.

				DANTE
		We could introduce them. They might
		hit it off.

				CAITLIN
		You're serious. You want to date
		again.

				DANTE
		I would like to be your boyfriend,
		yes.

				CAITLIN
		It's just the shock of seeing me
		after three years. Believe me,
		you'll get over it.

				DANTE
		Give me a bit more credit. I think
		it's time we got back together, you
		know. I'm more mature, you're more
		mature, you're finishing college,
		I'm already in the job market...

				CAITLIN
		You work in a market, all right.

				DANTE
		Cute. Tell me you wouldn't want to
		go out again. After all the talking
		we've been doing.

				CAITLIN
		The key word here is talk, Dante. I
		think the idea, the conception of
		us dating is more idyllic than what
		actually happens when we date.

				DANTE
		So...what? So we should just make
		pretend over the phone that we're
		dating?

				CAITLIN
		I don't know. Maybe we should just
		see what happens.

				DANTE
		Let me take you out tonight.

									109.


				CAITLIN
		You mean, on a date?

				DANTE
		Yes. A real date. Dinner and a movie.

				CAITLIN
		The Dante Hicks Dinner and a Movie
		Date. I think I've been on that one
		before.

				DANTE
		You have a better suggestion?

				CAITLIN
		How about the Caitlin Bree Walk on
		the Boardwalk, Then Get Naked
		Somewhere Kind of Private Date?

				DANTE
		I hear that's a rather popular date.

				CAITLIN
			(hits him)
		Jerk. Here I am, throwing myself at
		you, succumbing to your wily
		charms, and you call me a slut, in
		so many words.

				DANTE
		What about Sing?

				CAITLIN
		Sang.

				DANTE
		Sang.

				CAITLIN
		He's not invited.

				DANTE
		He's your fiancé.

				CAITLIN
		I offer you my body and you offer
		me semantics? He's just a boyfriend,
		Dante, and in case you haven't
		gotten the drift of why I came all
		the way here from Ohio, I'm about
		to become single again.
				(MORE)

									110.


				CAITLIN (CONT'D)
		And yes-let me placate your ego-you
		are the inspiration for this bold
		and momentous decision, for which
		I'll probably be ostracized at both
		school and home. You ask me who I
		choose, I choose you.

				DANTE
		So what are you saying?

				CAITLIN
		You're such an asshole.

				DANTE
		I'm just kidding.

				CAITLIN
		I can already tell this isn't going
		to work.

				DANTE
		I'll ask Randal to close up for me-
		when he gets back.

				CAITLIN
		Where'd he go? I'd have thought
		he'd be at your side, like an
		obedient lapdog.

				DANTE
		He went to rent a movie, but he
		hasn't gotten back yet. Ah, screw
		it; I'll just lock the store up and
		leave him a note.

				CAITLIN
		You're too responsible. But no. I
		have to go home first. They don't
		even know I left school. And I
		should break the disengagement news
		to my mother, which is going to
		cause quite a row, considering she
		loves Sang.

				DANTE
		Who doesn't?

				CAITLIN
		Well, me I guess.
			(gathering herself to go)
		So, I shall take my leave of you,
		but I will return in a little
		while, at which time-yes-I would
		love to go for dinner and a movie
		with you.

									111.


				DANTE
		What happened to the walk and the
		nakedness?

				CAITLIN
		I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.
			(she kisses his cheek)
		See you later, handsome.

	DANTE watches her leave. He then explodes in jubilance.

				DANTE
		YES!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE looks ahead, dreamily, half-spinning in his chair.
	RANDAL enters carrying videos.

				RANDAL
		Get to work.

				DANTE
			(takes videos)
		What'd you rent?
			(reads)
		Best of Both Worlds?

				RANDAL
		Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with
		both organs. You should see the
		box: Beautiful women with dicks
		that put mine to shame.

				DANTE
		And this is what you rented?

				RANDAL
		I like to expand my horizons.

				DANTE
		I got fined for selling cigarettes
		to a minor.

				RANDAL
		No way!

				DANTE
		Five hundred dollars.

				RANDAL
		You're bullshitting.

									112.


	DANTE hands him the summons. RANDAL reads it.

				RANDAL
		I didn't think they even enforced
		this.

				DANTE
			(points to himself)
		Living proof.

				RANDAL
		I thought you never sold cigarettes
		to kids.

				DANTE
		I don't; you did.

				RANDAL
			(pause)
		Really?

				DANTE
		Little girl. Maybe five years old?

				RANDAL
			(taken aback)
		Holy shit. That girl?

				DANTE
		As opposed to the hundreds of other
		children you let buy cigarettes
		whenever you work here.

				RANDAL
		Then how come you got the fine?

				DANTE
		Because I'm here.

				RANDAL
			(incredulous)
		You're lying.

				DANTE
		I swear. I couldn't make this kind
		of hell up.

				RANDAL
		Then why aren't you like screaming
		at me right now?

				DANTE
		Because I'm happy.

									113.


				RANDAL
		You're happy?

				DANTE
		I'm happy.

				RANDAL
		You're happy to get a fine?

				DANTE
		No. I'm happy because Caitlin came
		to see me.

				RANDAL
		Now I know you're lying.

				DANTE
		I'm not. She just left.

				RANDAL
		What did she say?

				DANTE
		She's not going to marry that guy.
		She went home to tell her mother.

				RANDAL
		You're kidding.

				DANTE
		I'm not.

				RANDAL
			(takes it in for a moment)
		Wow. You've had quite an evening.

				DANTE
		She went home, she's getting ready,
		and we're going out.

				RANDAL
		I feel so ineffectual. Is there
		anything I can do for you?

				DANTE
		Watch the store while I go home and
		change.

				RANDAL
		What happened to title dictates
		behavior?

									114.


				DANTE
		This is my way of spitting water at
		life.

				RANDAL
			(suddenly aware)
		Hey, what about Veronica?

				DANTE
		No! Don't bring it up. I don't want
		to think about that now. Let me
		enjoy this hour of bliss. I'll
		think about all of that later. In
		the meantime, nobody mentions the V
		word.

				RANDAL
		You're a snake.

				DANTE
		In my absence, try not to sell
		cigarettes to any newborns.

				RANDAL
		You want me to bring the VCR over
		here so we can watch this?

				DANTE
		I might be leaving early to go out
		with Caitlin, in which case you'll
		have to close the store tonight.

				RANDAL
		All right, but you're missing out.
		Chicks with dicks.

				DANTE
			(puts cats on counter)
		I'll read the book.

	DANTE exits. A CUSTOMER comes back to the counter. He pets
	the cat.

				CUSTOMER
		Cute cat. What's his name.

				RANDAL
		Peptic ulcer.

						CUT TO:

									115.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	JAY and SILENT BOB watch as DANTE passes. A small group of
	burners are poised around the store door. JAY carefully
	writes on a large piece of paper, using a thick marker.
	SILENT BOB hands him the scissors. JAY slowly cuts the large
	piece of paper. SILENT BOB hands him the tape. JAY snaps off
	a few pieces, and plasters the sign to the convenience store
	door. It is a large word balloon, and it reads I EAT COCK!
	Once in place, he raps on the window. RANDAL looks out, his
	face adjacent to the word balloon, making it appear as if he
	is saying he eats cock. The small group laughs hysterically.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	CAITLIN enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is watching
	his porno. The porno is loud and lewd. CAITLIN stares.

				CAITLIN
		Randal Graves-scourge of the video
		renter.

				RANDAL
		Ladies and gentleman, Mrs. Asian
		Design Major herself: Caitlin Bree!

				CAITLIN
		You saw that article? God, isn't it
		awful? My mother sent that in.

				RANDAL
		I take it she likes the guy.

				CAITLIN
		You'd think she was marrying him.
		What are you watching?

				RANDAL
		Children's programming. What did
		your mom say when you told her you
		weren't engaged anymore?

				CAITLIN
		She said not to come home until
		graduation.

				RANDAL
		Wow, you got thrown out? For Dante?

				CAITLIN
		What can I say? He does weird
		things to me.

									116.


				RANDAL
		Can I watch?

				CAITLIN
		You can hold me down.

				RANDAL
		Can I join in?

				CAITLIN
		You might be let down. I'm not a
		hermaphrodite.

				RANDAL
		Few are. So what makes you think
		you can maintain a relationship
		with Dante this time around?

				CAITLIN
		A woman's intuition. Something in
		me says it's time to give the old
		boy a serious try.

				RANDAL
		Wow. Hey, I was just about to order
		some dinner. You eat Chinese, right?

				CAITLIN
		Dick.

				RANDAL
		Exactly.

				CAITLIN
		So where is he?

				RANDAL
		He went home to change for the big
		date.

				CAITLIN
		God, isn't he great?

				RANDAL
			(indicating TV)
		No, this is great.

				CAITLIN
		Can I use the bathroom?

				RANDAL
		There's no light back there.

									117.


				CAITLIN
		Why aren't there any lights?

				RANDAL
		Well, there are, but for some
		reason they stop working at five-
		fourteen every night.

				CAITLIN
		You're kidding.

				RANDAL
		Nobody can figure it out. And the
		boss doesn't want to pay the
		electrician to fix it, because the
		electrician owes money to the video
		store.

				CAITLIN
		Such a sordid state of affair.

				RANDAL
		And I'm caught in the middle-torn
		between my loyalty for the boss,
		and my desire to piss with the
		light on.

				CAITLIN
		I'll try to manage.

	She heads toward the back.

				RANDAL
		Hey Caitlin...
			(cautionary)
		Break his heart again this time,
		and I'll kill you. Nothing personal.

				CAITLIN
		You're very protective of him,
		Randal. You always have been.

				RANDAL
		Territoriality. He was mine first.

				CAITLIN
			(rubs his head)
		Awww. That was so cute.

	She kisses his forehead and walks away. The MOTHER and SMALL
	CHILD (Happy Scrappy) come to the counter.

									118.


				MOTHER
			(oblivious of the TV)
		A pack of cigarettes.

	The SMALL CHILD points at the TV screen.

				SMALL CHILD
		Cunt!

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL studies the I EAT COCK word balloon. DANTE enters.

				DANTE
		Who eats cock?

				RANDAL
		Bunch of savages in this town.
			(recalling)
		Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You
		might want to see if she's okay;
		she's been back there a long time.

				DANTE
		There's no lights back there.

				RANDAL
		I told her that. She said she
		didn't need any. Why don't you join
		her, man. Make a little bathroom
		bam-bam.

				DANTE
		I love your sexy talk. It's
		so...kindergarten: Poo-poo; wee-wee.

				RANDAL
		Fuck you.

	The cooler down is heard opening. CAITLIN walks lazily down
	the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied. DANTE
	and RANDAL regard her curiously. She joins them, latching on
	to DANTE's arm, lovingly.

				CAITLIN
		How'd you get here so fast?

				DANTE
		I left like an hour ago.

									119.


				CAITLIN
			(regards him curiously)
		Do you always talk weird after you
		violate women?

	RANDAL and DANTE stare at CAITLIN, confused.

				RANDAL
		Maybe the Asian design major
		slipped her some opium?

				DANTE
		Could be.

				CAITLIN
			(hugging DANTE)
		Promise me it'll always be like that.

				DANTE
		Like what?

				CAITLIN
		When you just lie perfectly still
		and let me do everything.

				DANTE
		Um...okay.

				RANDAL
		Am I missing something here?

				CAITLIN
		I went back there, and Dante was
		already waiting for me.

				RANDAL
		He was?

				CAITLIN
		It was so cool. He didn't say a
		word. He was just...ready, you know?
		And we didn't kiss or talk or
		anything. He just sat there and let
		me do all the work.

				RANDAL
			(to DANTE)
		You dog! I didn't see you go back
		there.

	DANTE is bewildered.

									120.


				CAITLIN
		And the fact that there weren't any
		lights made it so...
			(she lets out a growl
			and hugs DANTE)
		God! That was so great!

				DANTE
			(quietly)
		It wasn't me.

				CAITLIN
			(laughing it off)
		Yeah, right. Who was it: Randal?

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Was it you?

				RANDAL
		I was here the whole time.

				CAITLIN
			(half-laughing)
		You two better quit it.

				DANTE
		I'm serious.

				CAITLIN
			(beat)
		We didn't just have sex in the
		bathroom?

				DANTE
		No.

	Everyone is silent. Then...

				CAITLIN
		Stop this. This isn't funny.

				DANTE
		I'm not kidding. I just got back
		from outside.

				CAITLIN
			(covering her chest)
		This isn't fucking funny, Dante!

				DANTE
		I'm not fooling around!
			(to RANDAL)
		Who went back there?

									121.


				RANDAL
		Nobody! I swear!

				CAITLIN
		I feel nauseous.

				DANTE
		Are you sure somebody was back there?

				CAITLIN
			(hits DANTE)
		I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus,
		I'm going to be sick!

				RANDAL
		You just fucked a total stranger?

				DANTE
		Shut the fuck up!

				CAITLIN
		I can't believe this! I feel faint...

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Call the police.

				RANDAL
		Why?

				CAITLIN
		No, don't!

				DANTE
		There's a strange man in our
		bathroom, and he just raped Caitlin!

				CAITLIN
			(weakly)
		Oh God...

				RANDAL
		She said she did all the work.

				DANTE
		WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?
			(pause)
		WHO THE FUCK IS IN THE BATHROOM?

						CUT TO:

									122.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. LATER

	THE OLD MAN'S FACE is serene, almost happy, as he lies on a
	stretcher. (Same OLD MAN who took a porn mag to the bathroom.)

				CORONER (O.C.)
		Who is he?

	The body bag zipper is pulled closed. DANTE, the CORONER,
	and RANDAL stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The
	CORONER takes notes.

				DANTE
		I don't know. He just came in and
		asked to use the bathroom.

				CORONER
		What time was this?

				DANTE
		Um...I don't know.
			(to RANDAL)
		What time did hockey end?

				RANDAL
		Around three or something.

				DANTE
		What time did we go to the funeral?

				RANDAL
		I think four.

				CORONER
		Wait a second? Who was working here
		today?

				DANTE
		Just me.

				CORONER
		I thought you just said you played
		hockey and went to a funeral.

				DANTE
		We did.

				CORONER
		Then who operated the store?

				DANTE
		Nobody. It was closed.

									123.


				CORONER
		With this guy locked in?

				DANTE
		Everything happened at once. I
		guess I forgot he was back there.

	Ambulance attendants join them.

				ATTENDANT 1
		Can we take this now?

				CORONER
		Go ahead.

	The stretcher is wheeled out. Midway down the body bag,
	something protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection.
	RANDAL stares at it.

				DANTE
		Was he alive when...Caitlin...

				CORONER
		No. I place the time of death at
		about three-twenty.

				RANDAL
		Then how could she...you know...

				CORONER
		The body can maintain an erection
		after expiration. Sometimes for
		hours. Did he have the adult
		magazine when he came in?

				DANTE
		No. I gave it to him.

	RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.

				DANTE
		Well he asked me for it!

				CORONER
			(continuing)
		I can't say for certain until we
		get him back to the lab, but my
		guess is he was masturbating, his
		heart seized and he died. That's
		when the girl found him.
			(sniffing the air)
		Something smells like shoe polish.

									124.


				RANDAL
			(to CORONER)
		This has gotta be the weirdest
		thing you've ever been called in on.

				CORONER
			(writing)
		Actually, I once had to tag a kid
		that broke his neck trying to put
		his mouth on his penis.

	RANDAL looks down, anonymously.

				DANTE
		What about Caitlin?

				CORONER
		Shock trauma. She's going to need
		years of therapy after this. My
		question is, How did she come to
		have sex with the dead man?

				DANTE
		She thought it was me.

	The CORONER stares at DANTE.

				CORONER
		What kind of convenience store do
		you run here?

	He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.

				RANDAL
			(beat)
		Do you think he was talking about
		my cousin?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	CAITLIN sits in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped
	over her shoulders. An attendant takes her blood pressure.
	The doors are closed and the vehicle speeds away. JAY and
	SILENT BOB lean against the wall. JAY eats sugar out of a box.

				JAY
		I knew one of those motherfuckers
		was gonna kill somebody one day.

						CUT TO:

									125.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	A jar of salsa is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the
	condiment, the corn chip resembles a surfacing shark fin.
	Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life-swimming menacingly
	to and fro across the jar.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
			(mumbling Jaws theme)
		Da-dum! Da-dum! Da-dum! DA-DUM! DA-
		DUM! DA-DUM!

	DANTE and RANDAL are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes this
	chip around the jar of salsa. DANTE stares up at the ceiling,
	oblivious.

				RANDAL
		Salsa shark.

	DANTE says nothing.

				RANDAL
			(as Brody)
		"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

	DANTE says even less than nothing.

				RANDAL
			(as Quint)
		"Man goes into the cage; cage goes
		into the salsa; shark's in the
		salsa; our shark."

	DANTE...you know.

				RANDAL
			(angry)
		What? What's with you? You haven't
		said anything for like twenty
		minutes. What the hell is your
		problem?

				DANTE
		This life.

				RANDAL
		This life?

				DANTE
		Why do I have this life?

				RANDAL
		Have some chips; you'll feel better.

									126.


				DANTE
		I'm stuck in this pit, earning less
		than slave wages, working on my day
		off, dealing with every backward
		fuck on the planet, the goddam
		steel shutters are locked all day,
		I smell like shoe polish, I've got
		an ex-girlfriend who's catatonic
		after fucking a dead guy, and my
		present girlfriend has sucked
		thirty-six dicks.

				RANDAL
		Thirty-seven.

				DANTE
		My life is in the shitter right
		about now, so if you don't mind,
		I'd like to stew a bit.

				CUSTOMER (O.C.)
		You open?

				RANDAL
		Yeah.

	RANDAL hops off the freezer case and steps O.C.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		That's all bullshit. You know what
		the real problem here is?

				DANTE
		I was born.

	RANDAL comes back.

				RANDAL
		You should shit or get off the pot.

				DANTE
		I should shit or get off the pot.

				RANDAL
		Yeah, you should shit or get off
		the pot.

				DANTE
		What are you talking about?

				RANDAL
		I'm talking about this thing you
		have...this inability to improve
		your situation in life.

									127.


				DANTE
		Fuck you.

				RANDAL
		It's true. You'll sit there and
		blame life for dealing a cruddy
		hand, never once accepting the
		responsibility for the way your
		situation is.

				DANTE
		What responsibility?

				RANDAL
		All right, if you hate this job and
		the people, and the fact that you
		have to come in on your day off,
		then quit.

				DANTE
		As if it's that easy.

				RANDAL
		It is. You just up and quit. There
		are other jobs, and they pay better
		money. You're bound to be qualified
		for at least one of them. So what's
		stopping you?

				DANTE
		Leave me alone.

				RANDAL
		You're comfortable. This is a life
		of convenience for you, and any
		attempt to change it would shatter
		the pathetic microcosm you've
		fashioned for yourself.

				DANTE
		Oh, like your life's any better?

				RANDAL
		I'm satisfied with my situation for
		now. You don't hear me bitching.
		You, on the other hand, have been
		bitching all day.

				DANTE
		Thank you. Why don't you go back to
		the video store?

				RANDAL
		It's the same thing with Veronica.

									128.


				DANTE
		Leave her out of this.

				RANDAL
		You date Veronica because she's low
		maintenance and because it's
		convenient. Meanwhile, all you ever
		do is talk about Caitlin. You carry
		a torch for a girl you dated in
		high school-in high school for
		God's sake! You're twenty-two!

				DANTE
		Leave me alone.

				RANDAL
		If you want Caitlin, then face
		Veronica, tell her, and be with
		Caitlin. If you want Veronica, be
		with Veronica. But don't pine for
		one and fuck the other. Man, if you
		weren't such a fucking coward...

				DANTE
		...If I wasn't such a fucking
		coward.
			(chuckles)
		It must be so great to be able to
		simplify everything the way you do.

				RANDAL
		Am I right or what?

				DANTE
		You're wrong. Things happened
		today, okay? Things that probably
		ruined my chances with Caitlin.

				RANDAL
		What? The dead guy? She'll get over
		fucking the dead guy. Shit, my
		mom's been fucking a dead guy for
		thirty years; I call him Dad.

				DANTE
		Caitlin and I can't be together.
		It's impossible.

				RANDAL
		Melodrama coming from you seems
		about as natural as an oral bowel
		movement.

									129.


				DANTE
		What do you want me to say? Yes, I
		suppose some of the things you're
		saying may be true. But that's the
		way things are; it's not going to
		change.

				RANDAL
		Make them change.

				DANTE
		I can't, all right! Jesus, would
		you leave me alone? I can't make
		changes like that in my life. If I
		could, I would-but I don't have the
		ability to risk comfortable
		situations on the big money and the
		fabulous prizes.

				RANDAL
		Who're you kidding? You can so.

				DANTE
		Jesus H. Christ, I can't!

				RANDAL
		So you'll continue being miserable
		all the time, just because you
		don't have the guts to face change?

				DANTE
			(sadly)
		My mother told me once that when I
		as three, my potty lid was closed,
		and instead of lifting it, I chose
		to shit my pants.

				RANDAL
		Lovely story.

				DANTE
		Point is-I'm not the kind of person
		that disrupts things in order to
		shit comfortably.

	DANTE crosses O.C. RANDAL appears contemplative.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE repairs ripped dollar bills, taping them back together.
	JAY enters with SILENT BOB and claps his hands.

									130.


				JAY
			(singing)
		Noinch, noinch, noinch-smoking
		weed, smoking weed! Doing coke!
		Drinking beers!
			(to DANTE)
		A pack of wraps, my good man. It's
		time to kick back, drink some
		beers, and smoke some weed!

				DANTE
		Done poisoning the youth for the day?

				JAY
		Hell yes, whatever that means. Now
		I'm gonna head over to Atlantic,
		drink some beers, get ripped, and-
		please God-get laid.
			(pulls out money)
		E-Z Wider, one-and-a-halfs.

				DANTE
		One seventy-nine.

				JAY
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Pay the good man.
			(to DANTE)
		Don't you close soon?

				DANTE
		A half hour.

				JAY
		We get off about the same time
		every night. We should hang out.
		You get high?

				DANTE
		I should start.

				JAY
		Wanna come to this party tonight?
		There's gonna be some pussy there,
		man!

				DANTE
		With you? I don't think so.

				JAY
		Listen to you. Oh shit. "Oh, I
		don't hang out with drug dealers."

									131.


				DANTE
		Nothing personal.

	SILENT BOB hands weed to JAY.

				JAY
		I work, just like you. You're more
		of a crook than I am, dude.

				DANTE
		How do you figure...HEY! You can't
		roll a joint in here!

				JAY
			(rolling a joint)
		Relax brother. What I mean is that
		you sell the stuff in this store at
		the highest prices around. A dollar
		seventy-nine for wraps-what's that
		shit?

				DANTE
		It's not my store.

				JAY
		And these aren't my drugs-I just
		sell them.

				DANTE
		The difference is you exploit a
		weakness.

				JAY
		What's that mean?

				DANTE
		You sell to people that can't stay
		away from an addiction.

				JAY
		All right. How much is Pepsi here?

				DANTE
		A dollar sixty-nine, plus tax.

				JAY
		At Food City it's ninety-nine
		cents, plus tax.

				DANTE
		So.

									132.


				JAY
		So why do you sell it for so much
		more? I'll tell you why-because
		people come here and they're like
		"A dollar eighty for soda? I should
		get it at Food City. But I don't
		feel like driving there. I'll just
		buy it here so I don't have to
		drive up there." That's exploiting
		a weakness, too, isn't it?

				DANTE
		I can't believe you just rolled a
		joint in here.

				JAY
		Hey, man, what happened with that
		old guy?

				DANTE
		He died in the bathroom.

				JAY
		That's fucked up. Yo, I heard he
		was jerkin' off.

				DANTE
		I don't know. I wasn't watching.

				JAY
		Probably saw that Caitlin chick. I
		know I felt like beatin' it when I
		saw her.
			(pantomimes sex)
		Come here, bitch! You like this? Is
		this what you want? Hunhh?

				DANTE
		Knock it off. That used to be my
		girlfriend.

				JAY
		You used to go out with her?

				DANTE
		We were going to start again, I
		think.

				JAY
		Don't you already have a girlfriend?

				DANTE
		Veronica.

									133.


				JAY
		Is she that girl who's down here
		all the time? She came here today
		carrying a plate of food.

				DANTE
		Lasagne.

				JAY
		And what-you were gonna dump her to
		date that Caitlin chick?

				DANTE
		Maybe.

				JAY
		I don't know dude. That Caitlin
		chick's nice. But I see that
		Veronica girl doing shit for you
		all the time. She brings you food,
		she rubs your back...Didn't I see
		her change your tire one day?

				DANTE
		I jacked the car up. All she did
		was loosen the nuts and put the
		tire on.

				JAY
		Damn. She sure goes out of her way.

				DANTE
		She's my girlfriend.

				JAY
		I've had girlfriends, but all they
		wanted from me was weed and shit.
			(beat)
		Shit, my grandma used to say,
		"Which is better: a good plate with
		nothing on it..." No, wait. I
		fucked up. She said "What's a good-
		looking plate with nothing on it?"

				DANTE
		Meaning?

				JAY
		I don't know. She was senile and
		shit. Used to piss herself all the
		time. C'mon Silent Bob.

	Exit JAY. SILENT BOB stands there.

									134.


				SILENT BOB
		You know, there's a million fine-
		looking women in the world, but
		they don't all bring you lasagne at
		work. Most of them just cheat on you.

	SILENT BOB leaves. DANTE shuts his eyes tightly and rubs the
	bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as if in
	deep concentration. He suddenly snaps his eyes open.

				DANTE
			(nearly surprised)
		He's right. I love her.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL has a heart-to-heart with VERONICA.

				RANDAL
		So that's it. He doesn't love you
		anymore. He loves Caitlin.

	VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.

				VERONICA
		And...he told you all of this?

				RANDAL
		Pretty much. All except the latent
		homosexuality part-that's just my
		theory.

				VERONICA
		I...I don't know what to say.

				RANDAL
		Don't hold it against him. He just
		never got Caitlin out of his system.
		It's not your fault. It's Dante.
			(beat)
		I don't know thing one about chicks.
		Do you want to cry or something? I
		can leave.

				VERONICA
		I'm not sad.

				RANDAL
		You're not?

									135.


				VERONICA
		No, I'm more furious. I'm pissed
		off. I feel like he's been killing
		time while he tries to grow the
		balls to tell me how he really
		feels, and then he can't even do it!
		He has his friend do it for him!

				RANDAL
		He didn't ask me to...

				VERONICA
		After all that I've done for that
		fuck! And he wants to be with that
		slut? Fine! He can have his slut!

				RANDAL
		Um, do you think you can give me a
		lift home tonight?

				VERONICA
			(oblivious of RANDAL)
		I'm going to have a word with that
		asshole.

	VERONICA storms out.

				RANDAL
		Wait! Veronica...I don't think...

	RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.

				RANDAL
			(to customer)
		What am I worried about? He'll
		probably be glad I started the ball
		rolling. All he ever did was
		complain about her anyway. I'm just
		looking out for his best interests.
		I mean, that's what a friend does,
		am I right? I did him a favor.

				CUSTOMER
			(sees box on counter)
		Oooh! Navy Seals!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE is on the ground holding his knee. VERONICA stands
	above him.

									136.


				DANTE
		What the fuck did you do that for?

				VERONICA
		If you didn't want to go out with
		me anymore, why didn't you just say
		it? Instead, you pussyfoot around
		and see that slut behind my back!

				DANTE
		What're you talking about?

				VERONICA
			(kicks him)
		You've been talking to her on the
		phone for weeks!

				DANTE
		It was only a few times...

				VERONICA
		And then you pull that shit this
		morning, freaking out because I've
		gone down on a couple guys!

				DANTE
		A couple...?

				VERONICA
			(throws purse at him)
		I'm not the one trying to patch
		things up with my ex, sneaking
		around behind your back! And if you
		think that thirty-seven dicks are a
		lot, then just wait, mister: I'm
		going to put the hookers in Times
		Square to shame with all the guys I
		go down on now!

				DANTE
		Would you let me explain...

				VERONICA
		Explain what? How you were waiting
		until the time was right, and then
		you were going to dump me for her?

				DANTE
			(getting up)
		Veronica...I...it's not like that
		anymore...I mean, it was never
		really like that...

									137.


	VERONICA kicks him in the other leg. DANTE goes down,
	yelling in pain.

				VERONICA
		You're damn right it's not like
		that! Because I won't let it be
		like that! You want your slut? Fine!
		The slut is yours!

				DANTE
		I don't want Caitlin...

				VERONICA
		You don't know what you want, but
		I'm not going to sit here anymore
		holding your hand until you figure
		it out! I've encouraged you to get
		out of this fucking dump and go
		back to school, to take charge of
		your life and find direction. I
		even transferred so maybe you would
		be more inclined to go back to
		college if I was with you. Everyone
		said it was a stupid move, but I
		didn't care because I loved you and
		wanted to see you pull yourself out
		of this senseless funk you've been
		in since that whore dumped you, oh
		so many years ago. And now you want
		to go back to her so she can fuck
		you over some more?

				DANTE
		I don't want to go back with her...

				VERONICA
		Of course not; not now! You're
		caught, and now you're trying to
		snake out of doing what you wanted
		to do. Well, I won't let you. I
		want you to follow through on this,
		just so you can find out what a
		fucking idiot you are. And when she
		dumps you again-and she will,
		Dante, I promise you that-when she
		dumps you again, I want to laugh at
		you, right in your face, just so
		you realize that that was what you
		gave up our relationship for!
			(grabs her purse)
		I'm just glad Randal had the balls
		to tell me, since you couldn't.

									138.


				DANTE
			(weakly)
		Randal...?

				VERONICA
		And having him tell me...that was
		just the weakest move ever. You're
		spineless.

				DANTE
		Veronica, I love you...

				VERONICA
		Fuck you.

	VERONICA exits. DANTE lies on the floor alone.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL exits and locks the door behind him.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	Tight on RANDAL'S face as he steps inside.

				RANDAL
		Dante?

	Hands clasp around his throat and yank him out of the frame.
	DANTE throttles RANDAL, choking him to the ground. RANDAL
	throws his fists into DANTE'S midriff, throwing him back
	into the magazine rack. RANDAL jumps to his feet as DANTE
	comes at him again. RANDAL tumbles into the cakes as
	Entenman's products scatter beneath and around him. He grabs
	a pound cake and hits DANTE in the head with it, using the
	opportunity to scurry down the middle aisle. DANTE leaps at
	his feet, and RANDAL grabs the shelves, knocking aspirin
	over until RANDAL-shrieking-sprays something in DANTE'S face.
	DANTE paws at his eyes. RANDAL grabs Italian bread and
	smacks it into DANTE'S face as he rushes him blindly. DANTE
	chases him out of the frame. M&M's scatter wildly across the
	empty floor, and the ruckus is heard O.C.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE and RANDAL later, out of breath, on the floor. RANDAL
	sits up against the candy rack, rubbing his neck. DANTE lies
	on the floor, bacon held against a sort of crushed cookies,
	ripped-open candies, broken bread, and other damaged goods.

									139.


				RANDAL
		How's your eye?

				DANTE
			(reluctantly)
		The swelling's not so bad. But the
		FDS stings.
			(then)
		How's your neck?

				RANDAL
		It's hard to swallow.

	They are both silent. Then...

				RANDAL
		You didn't have to choke me.

				DANTE
		Why the fuck did you tell Veronica
		that I was going to dump her for
		Caitlin?

				RANDAL
		I thought I was doing you a favor.

				DANTE
		Thanks.

				RANDAL
		You were saying how you couldn't
		initiate change yourself, so I
		figured I'd help you out.

				DANTE
		Jesus.

	Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		You still didn't have to choke me.

				DANTE
		Oh please! I'm surprised I didn't
		kill you.

				RANDAL
		Why do you say that?

				DANTE
		Why do I say that? Randal...forget
		it.

									140.


				RANDAL
		No, really. What did I do that was
		so wrong?

				DANTE
		What don't you do? Randal, sometimes
		it seems like the only reason you
		come to work is to make my life
		miserable.

				RANDAL
		How do you figure?

				DANTE
		What time did you get to work today?

				RANDAL
		Like ten after.

				DANTE
		You were over half an hour late.
		Then all you do is come over here.

				RANDAL
		To talk to you.

				DANTE
		Which means the video store is
		ostensibly closed.

				RANDAL
		It's not like I'm miles away.

				DANTE
		Unless you're out renting videos at
		other video stores.

				RANDAL
		Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we
		could watch it together!

				DANTE
		You get my slapped with a fine, you
		fight with the customers and I have
		to patch everything up. You get us
		chased out of a funeral by violating
		a corpse. To top it all off, you
		ruin my relationship. What's your
		encore? Do you anally rape my
		mother while pouring sugar in my
		gas tank?
				(MORE)

									141.


				DANTE (CONT'D)
			(sighs)
		You know what the real tragedy is?
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

				RANDAL
			(suddenly outraged)
		Fuck you. Fuck you, pal. Listen to
		you trying to pass the buck again.
		I'm the source of all your misery.
		Who closed the store to play hockey?
		Who closed the store to attend a
		wake? Who tried to win back an ex-
		girlfriend without even discussing
		how he felt with his present one?
		You wanna blame somebody, blame
		yourself.
			(beat, as DANTE)
		"I'm not even supposed to be here
		today."
			(whips stuff at DANTE)
		You sound like an asshole. Whose
		choice was it to be here today?
		Nobody twisted your arm. You're
		here today of your own violation,
		my friend. But you'd like to
		believe that the weight of the
		world rests on your shoulders-that
		the store would crumble if Dante
		wasn't here. Well, I got news for
		you, jerk: This store would survive
		without you. Without me either. All
		you do is overcompensate for having
		what's basically a monkey's job:
		You push fucking buttons. Any moron
		can waltz in here and do our jobs,
		but you're obsessed with making it
		seem so much more fucking important,
		so much more epic than it really is.
		You work in a convenience store,
		Dante. And badly, I might add. And
		I work in a shitty video store.
		Badly, as well.
			(beat)
		You know, that guy Jay's got it
		right-he has no delusions about
		what he does. Us? We like to make
		ourselves seem so much better than
		the people that come in here, just
		looking to pick up a paper or-God
		forbid-cigarettes. We look down on
		them, as it we're so advanced.
		Well, if we're so fucking advanced,
		then what are we doing working here?

									142.


	RANDAL gets up, leaving DANTE to contemplate his strong
	words alone.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE and RANDAL silently clean up, backs to each other.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE places a mop in the corner. RANDAL pulls on his coat.

				RANDAL
		I threw out the stuff that got
		broken. The floor looks clean.

				DANTE
		You need a ride?

				RANDAL
			(looks out door)
		Got one. Just pulled up.

	They stand in silence. Then...

				DANTE
		Do you work tomorrow?

				RANDAL
		Same time. What about you?

				DANTE
		I'm calling out. Going to hit the
		hospital-see how Caitlin is. Then
		try to see Veronica.

				RANDAL
		You wanna grab something to eat
		tomorrow night...after I get out of
		here?

				DANTE
		I'll call you. Let you know.

				RANDAL
		All right. Good luck with Veronica.
		If you want, I can talk to her, you
		know, and explain...

				DANTE
		No thanks. I'll take care of it.
		We've got a lot of shit to talk
		about.

									143.


				RANDAL
		Helluva day.

				DANTE
		To say the least.

				RANDAL
		Do you need a hug or something?
		'Cause I would have no hang-ups
		about hugging you...you know, you
		being a guy and all. Just don't
		knead my ass when you do it.

				DANTE
		Get the fuck outta here already.

				RANDAL
		I'm gone. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

	RANDAL exits. A second later, he reenters and tosses DANTE
	the sheet-sign.

				RANDAL
		You're closed.

	He exits. DANTE pushes the sign over from Open to Closed.

	DANTE climbs behind the counter. He pops the register open
	and starts counting the drawer out. The door is heard opening.

	POV JOHN: DANTE counting out the register, not looking up.

				DANTE
		What'd you forget something?
			(looks up, surprised)
		Oh. I'm sorry, we're closed.

	A gunshot blasts out. DANTE flies back, his chest exploding.
	He stares ahead and slumps to the floor.

	JOHN walks behind the counter, stepping over DANTE'S body on
	the floor, and takes the money out of the register. He grabs
	a paper bag and jams the money in it. He grabs handfuls of
	change, shoves it in his pocket, and then quickly exits the
	frame. DANTE continues to lie on the floor.

	CREDITS

	Credits end, and the door is heard opening. A customer comes
	to the counter and stands there. He waits, looks around for
	a clerk, looks down the aisles.

				CUSTOMER
		Hello? Little help?

									144.


	No reply. He looks around again, and glances at the door to
	make sure nobody's coming in. Then he reaches behind the
	counter and grabs a pack of cigarettes. He leaves."Clerks."

				by

				Kevin Smith




	INT: BEDROOM. EARLY-MORNING HOURS

	A DOG sleeps on a neatly made bed.

	A CLOCK reads twenty to six.

	A SHELF OF BOOKS holds such classics as Dante's Inferno,
	Beyond Good and Evil, The Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark
	Knight Returns. A FRAMED DIPLOMA, dusty and unkempt, hangs
	askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck in the
	corner, and a bra weighs one end down. A PHONE sits quietly
	atop a bundle of laundry. It suddenly explodes with a
	resounding ring-once, twice, three times. A CLOSET DOOR
	swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. THE PHONE
	rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking
	it off the trash can, O.C. THE RUMPLED FIGURE lays with his
	back to the camera, phone in hand.

				FIGURE
			(groggily)
		Hello...What?...No, I don't work
		today...I'm playing hockey at two.

	THE DOG yawns and shakes its head.

				FIGURE (O.C.)
		Why don't you call Randal?...
		Because I'm fucking tired....I just
		closed last night....
			(deep sigh)
		Jesus...What time are you going to
		come in?...Twelve...Be there be
		twelve?...Swear...

	A PICTURE OF A GIRL leans against a trophy. The picture is
	decorated with a Play-Doh beard and mustache.

				FIGURE (O.C.)
		Swear you'll be in by twelve and
		I'll do it....Twelve...Twelve or I
		walk.

	THE PHONE RECEIVER slams into the cradle. THE RUMPLED FIGURE
	slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair
	and stands.

	THE DOG stands and wags its tail. A hand pats its head. The
	Rumpled Figure lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It
	is the face of DANTE and this is Dante's room; this is
	Dante's life. DANTE grabs the dog and wrestles it.

				DANTE
		Next time, I get the bed.

										2.


	He releases the dog and sits up.

				DANTE
			(exhausted)
		Shit.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BATHROOM. MINUTES LATER

	A steaming shower fills the room. The dog licks water from
	the toilet.

						CUT TO:

	INT: KITCHEN. MINUTES LATER

	A towel-dressed DANTE opens the fridge and peers inside. He
	grabs a half-empty gallon of milk and closes the door.

						CUT TO:

	INT: KITCHEN. SECONDS LATER

	Chocolate milk mix is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two
	scoops, three scoops, four scoops.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BEDROOM. A MINUTE LATER

	DANTE gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet
	for some clothes. Some chocolate milk spills on the floor.
	THE DOG laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.

						CUT TO:

	INT: HALLWAY. MINUTES LATER

	DANTE'S feet are hastily covered. A hand grabs keys from
	atop a VCR.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: DRIVEWAY. MINUTES LATER

	A car backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street.

						CUT TO:

										3.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The car pulls up, with a screech. Feet descend to the ground
	from the open door. Keys jam into a lock and pop it open.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE lifts the metal shutter revealing the door. He opens
	it and grabs two bundles of papers, throwing them inside the
	store.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	A very dark room barely lit by the daylight. Suddenly, the
	lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the
	convenience store. THE CAT looks at DANTE as he passes the
	camera quickly. THE PAPER BUNDLE is snapped open with a
	knife. Newspapers slam into the appropriate racks. One rack
	remains empty. A coffee filter is placed in a metal pot.
	Ground coffee follows, and the mix is shoved into place in
	the coffeemaker. The switch is flicked and the machine comes
	to life. The empty newspaper rack with the heading ASBURY
	PARK PRESS seems out of place among all the other stacks of
	papers. DANTE rubs his chin and stares, puzzled. He rolls
	his eyes as it occurs to him.

				DANTE
		Shit.

	The register pops open, and a hand extracts a quarter.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	POV: NEWSPAPER MACHINE

	Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE
	approach. He stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls
	the door down, finally allowing us a clear view as he
	reaches toward the camera.

	DANTE pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press
	vending machine. He struggles to hold them all in one hand
	as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but
	the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot stops
	him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.

						CUT TO:

										4.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The papers drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding
	flop. The quarter drops back into the register drawer.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	DANTE tries to jam the key into the window shutter lock. He
	looks down at it.

				DANTE
		Shit!

	The lock is gummed up with gum or something hard and
	obtrusive like gum, preventing the key from being inserted.
	DANTE looks around and kicks the shutter angrily. The car
	trunk pops open and a hand reaches inside, pulling out a
	folded white sheet.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	A can of shoe polish is grabbed from the shelf. DANTE dips
	his fingers into the shoe polish and writes large letters on
	the unfurled sheet, leaning on the cooler.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	DANTE stands on a garbage can and tucks a corner of the
	sheet under the awning. He jumps down. The banner reads I
	ASSURE YOU, WE'RE OPEN. The door sign shifts from CLOSED to
	OPEN.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

	The clock reads 6:20. DANTE leans behind the counter, the
	morning routine completed. He stares ahead, catatonic, then
	drops his head in his hands. The day has begun.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The store, with its makeshift banner looming in the dim
	morning hour, just after dawn. A car drives by.

						CUT TO:

										5.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) buying coffee.

				DANTE
		Thanks. Have a good one.

				ACTIVIST
		Do you mind if I drink this here?

				DANTE
		Sure. Go ahead.

	The ACTIVIST leans on a briefcase and drinks his coffee.
	Another CUSTOMER leans in the door.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.

				ACTIVIST
		Are you sure?

				CUSTOMER
		Am I sure?

				ACTIVIST
		Are you sure?

				CUSTOMER
		Am I sure about what?

				ACTIVIST
		Do you really want to buy those
		cigarettes?

				CUSTOMER
		Are you serious?

				ACTIVIST
		How long have you been smoking?

				CUSTOMER
			(to DANTE)
		What is this, a poll?

				DANTE
		Beats me.

										6.


				ACTIVIST
		How long have you been a smoker?

				CUSTOMER
		Since I was thirteen.

	The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens
	it and extracts a sickly-looking lung model.

				ACTIVIST
		I'd say you're about nineteen,
		twenty, am I right?

				CUSTOMER
		What the hell is that?

				ACTIVIST
		That's your lung. By this time,
		your lung looks like this.

				CUSTOMER
		You're shittin' me.

				ACTIVIST
		You think I'm shitting you...

	The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.

				CUSTOMER
		What's this?

				ACTIVIST
		It's a trach ring. It's what they
		install in your throat when throat
		cancer takes your voice box. This
		one came out of a sixty-year-old man.

				CUSTOMER
			(drops ring)
		Unnhh!

				ACTIVIST
			(picks up the ring)
		He smoked until the day he died.
		Used to put the cigarette in this
		thing and smoke it that way.

				DANTE
		Excuse me, but...

										7.


				ACTIVIST
		This is where you're heading. A
		cruddy lung, smoking through a hole
		in your throat. Do you really want
		that?

				CUSTOMER
		Well, if it's already too late...

				ACTIVIST
		It's never too late. Give those
		cigarettes back now, and buy some
		gum instead.
			(grabs nearby pack, reads)
		Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this.

				CUSTOMER
		It's not the same.

				ACTIVIST
		It's cheaper than cigarettes. And
		it certainly beats this.

	Hands him a picture.

				CUSTOMER
		Jesus!

				ACTIVIST
		It's a picture of a cancer-ridden
		lung. Keep it.

				CUSTOMER
			(to DANTE)
		I'll just take the gum.

				DANTE
		Fifty-five.

				ACTIVIST
		You've made a wise choice. Keep up
		the good work.

	The CUSTOMER exits.

				DANTE
		Maybe you should take that coffee
		outside.

				ACTIVIST
		No, I think I'll drink it in here,
		thanks.

										8.


				DANTE
		If you're going to drink it in
		here, I'd appreciate it if you'd
		not bother the customers.

				ACTIVIST
		Okay. I'm sorry about that.

	Another CUSTOMER comes up to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(looks at model)
		What's that?

				ACTIVIST
		This? How long have you been smoking?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A blank wall. JAY steps into the frame, followed by SILENT
	BOB. JAY pulls off his coat and swings it into the arms of
	SILENT BOB. JAY then throws down with a makeshift slam
	dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.

				JAY
		WE NEED SOME TITS AND ASS! YEAH!

	SILENT BOB lights a smoke.

				JAY
		I feel good today, Silent Bob.
		We're gonna make some money! And
		then you know what we're going to
		do? We're going to go to that party
		and get some pussy! I'm gonna fuck
		this bitch, that bitch...
			(Blue Velvet Hopper)
		I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

	SILENT BOB points to something off-screen.

				JAY
			(to O.C.)
		What you looking at?! I'll kick
		your fucking ass!
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Doesn't that motherfucker still owe
		me ten bucks?

	SILENT BOB nods.

										9.


				JAY
		Tonight, you and me are going off
		that fucker's head, and take out
		his fucking soul! Remind me if he
		tries to buy something from us, to
		cut it with leafs and twigs...or
		fucking shit in the motherfucker's
		bag!

	Some girls walk past. JAY smiles at them.

				JAY
		Wa sup sluts?
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Damn Silent Bob! You one rude
		motherfucker! But you're cute as
		hell.
			(slowly drops to knees)
		I wanna go down on you, and suckle
		you.
			(makes blow job neck-jerks)
		And then, I wanna line up three
		more guys, and make like a circus
		seal...

	JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys,
	looking quite like a performing seal. He throws a little
	humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

				JAY
		Ewwww!  You fucking faggot! I
		fucking hate guys!
			(yelling)
		I LOVE WOMEN!
			(calmer)
		Neh.

	A GUY comes up to them.

				GUY
		You selling?

				JAY
			(all business)
		I got hits, hash, weed, and later
		on I'll have 'shrooms. We take
		cash, or stolen MasterCard and Visa.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A SMALL CROWD gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It
	has become something of a rally.

									10.


				ACTIVIST
		You're spending what? Twenty,
		thirty dollars a week on cigarettes.

				LISTENER 1
		Forty.

				LISTENER 2
		Fifty-three.

				ACTIVIST
		Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay
		someone that much money every week
		to kill you? Because that's what
		you're doing now, by paying for the
		so-called privilege to smoke!

				LISTENER 3
		We all gotta go sometime...

				ACTIVIST
		It's that kind of mentality that
		allows this cancer-producing
		industry to thrive. Of course we're
		all going to die someday, but do we
		have to pay for it? Do we have to
		actually throw hard-earned dollars
		on a counter and say, "Please,
		please, Mister Merchant of Death,
		sir; please sell me something that
		will give me bad breath, stink up
		my clothes, and fry my lungs."

				LISTENER 1
		It's not that easy to quit.

				ACTIVIST
		Of course it's not; not when you
		have people like this mindless
		cretin so happy and willing to sell
		you nails for your coffin!

				DANTE
		Hey, now wait a sec...

				ACTIVIST
		Now he's going to launch into his
		rap about how he's just doing his
		job; following orders.
				(MORE)

									11.


				ACTIVIST (CONT'D)
		Friends, let me tell you about
		another bunch of hate mongers that
		were just following orders: they
		were called Nazis, and they
		practically wiped a nation of
		people from the Earth...just like
		cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette
		smoking is the new Holocaust, and
		those that partake in the practice
		of smoking or sell the wares that
		promote it are the Nazis of the
		nineties! He doesn't care how many
		people die from it! He smiles as
		you pay for your cancer sticks and
		says, "Have a nice day."

				DANTE
		I think you'd better leave now.

				ACTIVIST
		You want me to leave? Why? Because
		somebody is telling it like it is?
		Somebody's giving these fine people
		a wake-up call?!

				DANTE
		You're loitering in here, and
		causing a disturbance.

				ACTIVIST
		You're the disturbance, pal! And
		here...
			(slaps a dollar on
			the counter)
		I'm buying some...what's
		this?...Chewlie's Gum. There. I'm
		no longer loitering. I'm a customer,
		a customer engaged in a discussion
		with other customers.

				LISTENER 2
			(to DANTE)
		Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!

				ACTIVIST
		Oh, he's scared now! He sees the
		threat we present! He smells the
		changes coming, and the loss of
		sales when the nonsmokers finally
		demand satisfaction. We demand the
		right to breathe cleaner air!

									12.


				LISTENER 3
		Yeah!

				ACTIVIST
		We'd rather chew our gum than
		embrace slow death! Let's abolish
		this heinous practice of sucking
		poison, and if it means ruffling
		the feathers of a convenience store
		idiot, then so be it!

				DANTE
		That's it, everybody out.

				ACTIVIST
		We're not moving! We have a right,
		a constitutional right, to assemble
		and be heard!

				DANTE
		Yeah, but not in here.

				ACTIVIST
		What better place than this? To
		stamp it out, you gotta start at
		the source!

				DANTE
		Like I'm responsible for all the
		smokers!

				ACTIVIST
		The ones in this town, yes! You
		encourage their growth, their habit.
		You're the source in this area, and
		we're going to shut you down for
		good! For good, cancer-merchant!

	The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE's face.

				CROWD
		Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!
		Cancer merchant!

	VERONICA enters and surveys the mess. The CROWD throws
	cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a
	loud blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the
	throng. Everyone turns to face...

	VERONICA as she stands in one of the freezer cases, holding
	a fire extinguisher.

				VERONICA
		Who's leading this mob?

									13.


	The CROWD looks among themselves. Someone points to O.C.

				SOMEONE
		That guy.

	The ACTIVIST carries his briefcase surreptitiously toward
	the door.

				VERONICA (O.C.)
		Freeze.

	VERONICA jumps off the freezer case, training the nozzle of
	the extinguisher on the ACTIVIST.

				VERONICA
		Let's see some credentials.

	He reaches into his briefcase. She pokes the extinguisher
	nozzle at him, warningly.

				VERONICA
		Slowly...

	He pulls out a business card and hands it to her. She reads
	it.

				VERONICA
		You're a Chewlie's Gum
		representative?

	He nods.

				VERONICA
		And you're stirring up all this
		antismoking sentiment
		to...what?...sell more gum?

	He nods again.

				VERONICA
			(through gritted teeth)
		Get out of here.

	He quickly flees. She blasts him with more chemical as he
	exits.

				VERONICA
			(to the crowd)
		And you people: Don't you have jobs
		to go to? Get out of here and go
		commute.

	The CROWD sheepishly exits, one by one, offering apologetic
	glances. DANTE tries to regain his composure.

									14.


	VERONICA watches the crowd disperse, disgusted.

				VERONICA
		You oughta be ashamed of yourselves.
		Easily led automatons. Try thinking
		for yourself before you pelt and
		innocent man with cigarettes.

	The last of the crowd exits. VERONICA sets the fire
	extinguisher down next to DANTE. DANTE is sitting on the
	floor, head in his folded arms.

				VERONICA
		It looked like Tiananmen Square in
		here for a second.

	DANTE is silent.

				VERONICA
		"Thank you, Veronica; you saved me
		from an extremely ugly mob scene."

	DANTE remains silent.

				VERONICA
			(sits beside him)
		Okay, champ. What's wrong?

	DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.

				VERONICA
		All right, stupid question. But
		don't you think you're taking this
		a bit too hard?

				DANTE
		Too hard?! I don't have enough
		indignities in my life-people start
		throwing cigarettes at me!

				VERONICA
		At least they weren't lit.

				DANTE
		I hate this fucking place.

				VERONICA
		Then quit. You should be going to
		school anyway...

				DANTE
		Please, Veronica. Last thing I need
		is a lecture at this point.

									15.


				VERONICA
		All I'm saying is that if you're
		unhappy you should leave.

				DANTE
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

				VERONICA
		I know. I stopped by your house and
		your mom said you left at like six
		or something.

				DANTE
		The guy got sick and couldn't come
		in.

				VERONICA
		Don't you have a hockey game at two?

				DANTE
		Yes! And I'm going to play like
		shit because I didn't get a good
		night's sleep!

				VERONICA
		Why did you agree to come in then?

				DANTE
		I'm only here until twelve, then
		I'm gone. The boss is coming in.

				VERONICA
		Why don't you open the shutters and
		get some sunlight in here?

				DANTE
		Somebody jammed the locks with gum.

				VERONICA
		You're kidding.

				DANTE
		Bunch of savages in this town.

				VERONICA
		You look bushed. What time did you
		get to bed?

				DANTE
		I don't know-like two-thirty, three.

				VERONICA
		What were you doing up so late?

									16.


				DANTE
			(skirting)
		Hunhh? Nothing.

				VERONICA
			(persistent)
		What were you doing?

				DANTE
		Nothing! Jesus! I gotta fight with
		you now?

				VERONICA
		Who's fighting? Why are you so
		defensive?

				DANTE
		Who's defensive? Just...Would you
		just hug me?! All right? Your
		boyfriend was accosted by an angry
		mob, and he needs to be hugged.

	She stares at him.

				DANTE
		What? What is that?

				VERONICA
		She called you, didn't she?

				DANTE
		Oh, be real! Would you...Would you
		please hug me? I just went through
		a very traumatic experience and I
		haven't been having the best day so
		far. Now come on.

	VERONICA stares at him.

				DANTE
		What? What's with that look?! I
		wasn't talking to anyone, especially
		her! Look at you, being all sort
		of...I don't know...stand-offish.

	VERONICA looks away.

				DANTE
		Fine. You don't trust me, don't hug
		me. I see how it is. All right
		Pissy-pants, you just go on being
		suspicious and quiet. I don't even
		want to hug you at this point.

									17.


	VERONICA looks back at him.

				DANTE
			(pleadingly)
		Give you a dollar?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A NOTE on the counter next to a small pile of money reads:

	PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE CHANGE WHEN
	APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.

	DANTE and VERONICA are slumped on the floor, behind the
	counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in her arms, his head on her
	chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.

				DANTE
			(to O.C. customer)
		Thanks.

	The door is heard opening and closing-a customer leaving.

				VERONICA
		How much money did you leave up
		there?

				DANTE
		Like three dollars in mixed change
		and a couple of singles. People
		only get the paper of coffee this
		time of morning.

				VERONICA
		You're trusting.

				DANTE
		Why do you say that?

				VERONICA
		How do you know they're taking the
		right amount of change? Or even
		paying for what they take?

				DANTE
		Theoretically, people see money on
		the counter and nobody around, they
		think they're being watched.

				VERONICA
		Honesty through paranoia. Why do
		you smell like shoe polish?

									18.


				DANTE
		I had to use shoe polish to make
		that sign. The smell won't come off.

				VERONICA
		Do you think anyone can see us down
		here?

				DANTE
		Why? You wanna have sex or something?

				VERONICA
			(sarcastic)
		Ooh! Can we?!

				DANTE
		Really?

				VERONICA
		I was kidding.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right. You can't get enough
		of me.

				VERONICA
		Typically male point of view.

				DANTE
		How do you figure?

				VERONICA
		You show some bedroom proficiency,
		and you think you're gods. What
		about what we do for you?

				DANTE
		Women? Women, as lovers, are all
		basically the same: they just have
		to be there.

				VERONICA
		"Be there?"

				DANTE
		Making a male climax is not all
		that challenging: insert somewhere
		close and preferably moist; thrust;
		repeat.

				VERONICA
		How flattering.

									19.


				DANTE
		Now, making a woman cum...therein
		lies a challenge.

				VERONICA
		Oh, you think so?

				DANTE
		A girl makes a guy cum, it's
		standard. A guy makes a girl cum,
		it's talent.

				VERONICA
		And I actually date you?

				DANTE
		Something wrong?

				VERONICA
		I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
		it takes more than that to get a
		guy off. Just "being there"-as you
		put it-is not enough.

				DANTE
		I touched a nerve.

				VERONICA
		I'm astonished to hear you
		trivialize my role in our sex life.

				DANTE
		It wasn't directed at you. I was
		making a broad generalization.

				VERONICA
		You were making a generalization
		about "broads!"

				DANTE
		These are my opinions based on my
		experiences with the few women who
		were good enough to sleep with me.

				VERONICA
		How many?

				DANTE
		How many what?

				VERONICA
		How many girls have you slept with?

									20.


				DANTE
		How many different girls? Didn't we
		already have this discussion once?

				VERONICA
		We might have; I don't remember.
		How many?

				DANTE
		Including you?

				VERONICA
		It better be up to and including me.

				DANTE
			(pause to count)
		Twelve.

				VERONICA
		You've slept with twelve different
		girls?

				DANTE
		Including you; yes.

	Pause. She slaps him.

				DANTE
		What the hell was that for?

				VERONICA
		You're a pig.

				DANTE
		Why'd you hit me?

				VERONICA
		Do you know how many different men
		I've had sex with?

				DANTE
		Do I get to hit you after you tell
		me?

				VERONICA
		Three.

				DANTE
		Three?

				VERONICA
		Three including you.

									21.


				DANTE
		You've only had sex with three
		different people?

				VERONICA
		I'm not the pig you are.

				DANTE
		Who?

				VERONICA
		You!

				DANTE
		No; who were the three, besides me?

				VERONICA
		John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.

				DANTE
			(with true admiration)
		Wow. That's great. That's something
		to be proud of.

				VERONICA
		I am. And that's why you should
		feel like a pig. You men make me
		sick. You'll sleep with anything
		that says yes.

				DANTE
		Animal, vegetable, or mineral.

				VERONICA
		Vegetable meaning paraplegic.

				DANTE
		They put up the least amount of
		struggle.

				VERONICA
		After dropping a bombshell like
		that, you owe me. Big.

				DANTE
		All right. Name it.

				VERONICA
		I want you to come with me on Monday.

				DANTE
		Where?

									22.


				VERONICA
		To school. There's a seminar about
		getting back into a scholastic
		program after a lapse in enrollment.

				DANTE
		Can't we ever have a discussion
		without that coming up?

				VERONICA
		It's important to me, Dante. You
		have so much potential that just
		goes to waste in this pit. I wish
		you'd go back to school.

				DANTE
		Jesus, would you stop? You make my
		head hurt when you talk about this.

	VERONICA stands, letting DANTE'S head hit the floor.

				DANTE
		Shit! Why are we getting up?

				VERONICA
		Unlike you, I have a class in
		forty-five minutes.

	A handsome young man (WILLAM) is standing at the counter.
	VERONICA reacts to him.

				VERONICA
			(surprised)
		Willam!

				WILLAM
		Ronnie! How are you? You work here
		now?

				VERONICA
			(locks arms with DANTE)
		No, I'm just visiting my man.
			(to DANTE)
		Dante, this is Willam Black.
			(to WILLAM)
		This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

				DANTE
		How are you? Just the soda?

				WILLAM
		And a pack of cigarettes.
			(to VERONICA; paying)
		Are you still going to Seton Hall?

									23.


				VERONICA
		No, I transferred into Monmouth
		this year. I was tired of missing
		him.
			(squeezes DANTE'S arm)


				WILLAM
		Do you still talk to Sylvan?

				VERONICA
		I just talked to her on Monday. We
		still hang out on weekends.

				WILLAM
			(leaving)
		That's cool. Well-you two lovebirds
		take it easy, all right?

				VERONICA
		I will. Take it easy.

				WILLAM
		Bye.
			(exits)


				VERONICA
		Bye
			(to DANTE)
		That was Snowball.

				DANTE
		Why do you call him that?

				VERONICA
		Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job
		thing.

				DANTE
		What do you mean?

				VERONICA
		After he gets a blow job, he likes
		to have the cum spit back into his
		mouth while kissing. It's called
		snowballing.

				DANTE
		He requested this?

				VERONICA
		He gets off on it.

									24.


				DANTE
		Sylvan can be talked into anything.

				VERONICA
		Why do you say that?

				DANTE
		Like you said-she snowballed him.

				VERONICA
		Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right.

				VERONICA
		I'm serious...

	A moment of silence as DANTE'S chuckles fade to comprehension.

				DANTE
		You sucked that guy's dick?

				VERONICA
		Yeah. How do you think I know he
		liked...

				DANTE
			(panicky)
		But...but you said you only had sex
		with three guys! You never mentioned
		him!

				VERONICA
		That's because I never had sex with
		him!

				DANTE
		You sucked his dick!

				VERONICA
		We went out a few times. We didn't
		have sex, but we fooled around.

				DANTE
			(massive panic attack)
		Oh my God! Why did you tell me you
		only slept with three guys?

				VERONICA
		Because I did only sleep with three
		guys! That doesn't mean I didn't
		just go with people.

									25.


				DANTE
		Oh my God-I feel so nauseous...

				VERONICA
		I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you
		understood.

				DANTE
		I did understand! I understand that
		you slept with three different
		guys, and that's all you said.

				VERONICA
		Please calm down.

				DANTE
		How many?

				VERONICA
		Dante...

				DANTE
		How many dicks have you sucked?!

				VERONICA
		Let it go...

				DANTE
		HOW MANY?

				VERONICA
		All right! Shut up a second and
		I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't
		freak like this when you told me
		how many girls you fucked.

				DANTE
		This is different. This is important.
		How many?!

	She counts silently, using fingers as marks. DANTE waits on
	a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting.

				DANTE
		Well...?

				VERONICA
			(half-mumbled)
		Something like thirty-six.

				DANTE
		WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?

									26.


				VERONICA
		Lower your voice!

				DANTE
		What the hell is that anyway,
		"something like thirty-six?" Does
		that include me?

				VERONICA
		Um. Thirty-seven.

				DANTE
		I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?

				VERONICA
			(walking away)
		I'm going to class.

				DANTE
		Thirty-seven?!
			(to CUSTOMER)
		My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven
		dicks!

				CUSTOMER
		In a row?

	DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.

				DANTE
		Hey! Where are you going?!

				VERONICA
		Hey listen, jerk! Until today you
		never even knew how many guys I'd
		slept with, because you never even
		asked. And then you act all
		nonchalant about fucking twelve
		different girls. Well, I never had
		sex with twelve different guys!

				DANTE
		No, but you sucked enough dick!

				VERONICA
		Yeah, I went down on a few guys...

				DANTE
		A few?

									27.


				VERONICA
		...And one of those guys was you!
		The last one, I might add, which-if
		you're too stupid to comprehend-
		means that I've been faithful to
		you since we met! All the other
		guys I went with before I met you,
		so, if you want to have a complex
		about it, go ahead! But don't look
		at me like I'm the town whore,
		because you were plenty busy
		yourself, before you met me!

				DANTE
			(a bit more rational)
		Well...why did you have to suck
		their dicks? Why didn't you just
		sleep with them, like any decent
		person?!

				VERONICA
		Because going down it's a big deal!
		I used to like a guy, we'd make
		out, and sooner or later I'd go
		down on him. But I only had sex
		with the guys I loved.

				DANTE
		I feel sick.

				VERONICA
			(holds him)
		I love you. Don't feel sick.

				DANTE
		Every time I kiss you now I'm going
		to taste thirty-six other guys.

	VERONICA violently lets go of him.

				VERONICA
		I'm going to school. Maybe later
		you'll be a bit more rational.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		Thirty-seven. I just can't...

				VERONICA
		Goodbye, Dante.

	She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a
	moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out.

									28.


				DANTE
		Try not to suck any more dicks on
		your way through the parking lot!

	Two men who were walking in the opposite direction outside
	double back and head in the direction. VERONICA went.

				DANTE
		HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A videocassette encased in the customary black box flips
	repeatedly, held by an impatient grasp. The IMPATIENT
	CUSTOMER glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of Paradise
	Lost, making a strong attempt at not noticing the glare.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(pissed off)
		I thought that place was supposed
		to be opened at eleven o'clock?
		It's twenty after!

				DANTE
		I called his house twice already.
		He should be here soon.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		It's not like it's a demanding job.
		I'd like to get paid to sit on my
		ass and watch TV. The other day I
		walked in there and that sonofabitch
		was sleeping.

				DANTE
		I'm sure he wasn't sleeping.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		You calling me a liar?

				DANTE
		No; he was probably just resting
		his eyes.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		What the hell is that? Resting his
		eyes! It's not like he's some
		goddamned air traffic controller!

				DANTE
		Actually, that's his night job.

									29.


				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Such a wiseass. But go ahead. Crack
		wise. That's why you're jockeying a
		register in some fucking local
		convenience store instead of doing
		an honest day's work.
			(tosses tape on counter)
		I got no more time to bullshit
		around waiting for that sonofabitch.
		You make sure this gets back. The
		number's eight-twelve-Wynarski. And
		I wanted to get a damn movie, too.

				DANTE
		If you'll just tell me the title of
		your rental choice, I'll have him
		hold it for you.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(storming out)
		Don't hurt yourself. I'm going to
		Big Choice Video instead.

	He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.

				DANTE
			(in a whisper)
		You forgot your keys.

	The half-filled trash can swallows the ring of keys.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	Another VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER leans against the video store
	door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and stops. He glances at
	the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		The guy ain't here yet.

				RANDAL
		You're kidding. It's almost eleven-
		thirty!

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I know. I've been here since eleven.

				RANDAL
			(kicks the door)
		Man! I hate it when I can't rent
		videos!

									30.


				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I would've went to Big Choice, but
		the tape I want is right there on
		the wall.

				RANDAL
		Which one?

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Dental School.

				RANDAL
		You came for that too? That's the
		movie I came for.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		I have first dibs.

				RANDAL
		Says who?

				V.A. CUSTOMER
			(suddenly snotty)
		Says me. I've been here for half an
		hour. I'd call that first dibs.

				RANDAL
		Ain't gonna happen, my friend. I'm
		getting that tape.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Like hell you are!

				RANDAL
		I'll bet you twenty bucks you don't
		get to rent that tape.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		Twenty bucks?

				RANDAL
		Twenty bucks.

				V.A. CUSTOMER
		All right, asshole, you're on.

	RANDAL walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a
	sentry at post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		You see a pair of keys lying around
		here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

									31.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	RANDAL dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees
	DANTE and stops dead, midshuffle.

				DANTE
		You're late.

				RANDAL
		What the hell are you doing here? I
		thought you were playing hockey at
		one.

				DANTE
		The boss called. Arthur fell ill.

				RANDAL
		Why are the shutters closed?

				DANTE
		Someone jammed gum in the locks.

				RANDAL
		Bunch of savages in this town.

				DANTE
		That's what I said.

				RANDAL
		Shit, if I'd known you were working,
		I would've come even later.

	A pile of videocassettes is plopped onto the counter, with a
	single key on top. RANDAL balances the pile of tapes on his
	head.

				RANDAL
		What time do you have to stay till?

				DANTE
		He assured me that he'd be here by
		twelve.

				RANDAL
		What smells like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		Go open the sore.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stops RANDAL.

									32.


				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Hey-did you see a set of keys lying
		around here?

				RANDAL
			(as Short-round)
		No time for love, Doctor Jones!

	RANDAL marches off. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stares after him.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		Fucking kids.

	The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER now sits on the ground, next to
	the video store door. RANDAL balances his burden and shoves
	the key into the lock. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stares as
	RANDAL enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to
	be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later.
	RANDAL smiles.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A coffee filter is shoved into the metal pan and someone
	heaps ground coffee on it. We've seen this same routine
	before. DANTE crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters,
	tossing the key into the air happily and catching it. He
	picks the cat up.

				RANDAL
		Some guy just came in refusing to
		pay late fees. He said the store
		was closed for two hours yesterday.
		I tore up his membership.

				DANTE
		Shocking abuse of authority.

				RANDAL
		I'm a firm believer in the
		philosophy of a ruling class,
		especially since I rule.
			(furtively)
		Is the Pelican flying?

				DANTE
		Don't screw with it. It makes us
		look suspicious.

				RANDAL
		I can't stand a voyeur. I'll be back.

									33.


	RANDAL heads toward the walk-in door.

						CUT TO:

	INT: BACK ROOM. DAY

	POV: VCR

	A far-away wall is the only thing we see, but mild gruntings
	give away an ascension of sorts. RANDAL'S head rises into
	view, as if he's climbing a ladder. He stops and looks into
	the lens.

	POV: RANDAL

	The PELICAN is a VCR that's hooked up to a surveillance
	camera. It records quickly. A hand reaches into the frame
	and shuts it off.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	RANDAL pulls a soda from the cooler.

				RANDAL
		Want something to drink? I'm buying.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		No, thanks.

				RANDAL
		Who was on your phone this morning
		at about two-thirty? I was trying
		to call for a half an hour.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		Why?

				RANDAL
		I wanted to use your car.

	He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at
	it.

				RANDAL
		Snake cake?

	DANTE sits in his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a
	paper and joins him behind the counter.

				DANTE
		You don't want to know.

									34.


				RANDAL
		You called Caitlin again?

				DANTE
		She called me.

				RANDAL
		Did you tell Veronica?

				DANTE
		One fight a day with Veronica is
		about all I can stomach, thanks.

				RANDAL
		What do you two fight about?

				DANTE
		I guess it's not really fighting.
		She just wants me to leave here, go
		back to school, get some direction.

				RANDAL
			(opening paper)
		I'll bet the most frequent topic of
		arguments is Caitlin Bree.

				DANTE
		You win.

				RANDAL
		I'm going to offer you some advice,
		my friend: let the past be the past.
		Forget Caitlin Bree. You've been
		with Veronica for how long now?

				DANTE
		Seven months.

				RANDAL
		Chick's nuts about you. How long
		did you date Caitlin?

				DANTE
		Five years.

				RANDAL
		Chick only made you nuts. She
		cheated on you how many times?

				DANTE
		Eight and a half.

									35.


				RANDAL
			(looks up from paper)
		Eight and a half?

				DANTE
		Party at John K's-senior year. I
		get blitzed and pass out in his
		bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives
		all over me.

				RANDAL
		That's cheating?

				DANTE
		In the middle of it, she calls me
		Brad.

				RANDAL
		She called you Brad?

				DANTE
		She called me Brad.

				RANDAL
		That's not cheating. People say
		crazy shit during sex. One time, I
		called this girl "Mom."

				DANTE
		I hit the lights and she freaks.
		Turns out she thought I was Brad
		Michaelson.

				RANDAL
		What do you mean?

				DANTE
		She was supposed to meet Brad
		Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked
		the wrong one. She had no idea I
		was even at the party.

				RANDAL
		Oh, my God.

				DANTE
		Great story, isn't it?

				RANDAL
		That girl was vile to you.

									36.


				DANTE
		Interesting postscript to that
		story: Do you know who wound up
		going with Brad Michaelson in the
		other dark bedroom?

				RANDAL
		Your mother.

				DANTE
		Allan Harris.

				RANDAL
		Chess team Allan Harris?!

				DANTE
		The two moved to Idaho together
		after graduation. They raise sheep.

				RANDAL
		That's frightening.

				DANTE
		It takes different strokes to move
		the world.

				RANDAL
		In light of this lurid tale, I
		don't see how you could even
		romanticize your relationship with
		Caitlin-she broke your heart and
		inadvertently drove men to deviant
		lifestyles.

				DANTE
		Because there was a lot of good in
		our relationship.

				RANDAL
		Oh yeah.

				DANTE
		I'm serious. Aside from the
		cheating, we were a great couple.
		That's what high school's all
		about-algebra, bad lunch, and
		infidelity.

				RANDAL
		You think things would be any
		different now?

									37.


				DANTE
		They are. When she calls me now,
		she's a different person-she's
		frightened and vulnerable. She's
		about to finish college and enter
		the real world. That's got to be
		scary for anyone.

				RANDAL
			(suddenly recalling)
		Oh shit, I've got to place an order.

				DANTE
		I'm talking to myself here.

				RANDAL
		No, no, I'm listening. She's
		leaving college, and...?

				DANTE
		...and she's looking to me for
		support. And I think that this is
		leading our relationship to a new
		level.

				RANDAL
		What about Veronica?

				DANTE
		I think the arguments Veronica and
		I are having are some kind of
		manifestation of a subconscious
		desire to break away from her so
		that I can pursue the possibility
		of a more meaningful relationship
		with Caitlin.

				RANDAL
		Caitlin's on the same wave-length?

				DANTE
		I think it's safe to say yes.

				RANDAL
		Then I think all four of you had
		better sit down and talk it over.

				DANTE
		All four?

				RANDAL
		You, Veronica, Caitlin...
			(lays paper flat)
		...and Caitlin's fiancé.

									38.


	THE HEADLINE of the engagement announcement reads, BREE TO
	WED ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

				RANDAL
		Yes, I'd like to place an order,
		please...Thank you.

	A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

				MOTHER
		Excuse me, but do you see videotapes?

				RANDAL
		What were you looking for?

				MOTHER
			(smiling)
		It's called Happy Scrappy-The Hero
		Pup.

				SMALL CHILD
		Happy Scrappy!

				RANDAL
		I'm on the phone with the
		distribution house now. Let me make
		sure they have it. What's it called
		again?

				MOTHER
		Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

				SMALL CHILD
		Happy Scrappy!

				MOTHER
			(more smiling)
		She loves the tape.

				RANDAL
		Obviously.
			(to phone)
		Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video
		calling. Customer number four-
		three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like
		to place an order...Okay...
				(MORE)

									39.


				RANDAL (CONT'D)
			(reading from list)
		I need one each of the following
		tapes: Whisper in the Wind, To Each
		His Own, Put it Where It Doesn't
		Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All
		Tit-Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need
		Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-
		Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts,
		Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked
		Sluts, Cum Buns Three, Cumming in a
		Sock, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black
		Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Slam
		It Up My Too-Loose Ass, Ass Blasters
		in Outer Space, Blowjobs by Betsy,
		Sucking Cock and Cunt, Finger My
		Ass, Play with my Puss, Three on a
		Dildo, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls
		Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone Two-The
		K.Y. Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,
		and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.
		Oh, and...
			(to MOTHER)
		What was the name of that movie?

				MOTHER
			(nearly dazed)
		Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

				RANDAL
			(on phone)
		And a copy of Happy Scrappy-The
		Hero Pup...Okay, thanks.
			(hangs up; to MOTHER)
		Sixteen forty-nine. It'll be here
		Monday.

	Silence. Then...

				SMALL CHILD
		Cunt!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE carries a litter box to be dumped. He pauses midstrike
	and lays it on the ice cream chest. DANTE picks up the phone
	and looks at the paper. He dials and waits.
	_
									40.


				DANTE
		Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint
		in today's edition...Today's
		edition...It says "Bree to Wed
		Asian Design Major...No, no;
		everything's spelled fine. I just
		wanted to know if the piece was a
		misprint...I don't know, like a
		typographical error or something...

	A CUSTOMER comes to the counter and waits. He looks at the
	litter box. A black cat suddenly jumps into it and starts
	pawing around.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		Maybe it's supposed to be Caitlin
		Bray, or Caitlin Bre, with one
		e...I'm a curious party...A curious
		party...

	DANTE on the phone:

				DANTE
		...I'm an ex-boyfriend...Well, it's
		just that we talk all the time, and
		she never mentioned this engagement,
		which is why I'm thinking maybe
		it's a misprint...

	The CUSTOMER watches as the cat takes a huge dump, leaning
	on its haunches to accommodate the stinky load.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		...Are you sure?...Maybe there's
		like a vindictive printer working
		for you...

	DANTE on the phone:

				DANTE
		Meaning like someone who maybe-I
		don't know-asked her out once and
		got shot down, and his revenge is
		throwing this bogus article in when
		the paper went to
		press...Hello?...Hello?

	DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his
	head. He then sniffs the air.

						CUT TO:

									41.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	JAY, SILENT BOB and OLAF lean against wall.

				JAY
		"Not in me." That's what she says.
		I gotta pull out and spank it to
		get it on. So I blow a nut on her
		belly, and I get out of there, just
		as my uncle walks in. It was such a
		close call. I tell you what,
		though, I don't care if she is my
		cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots
		again tonight.

	TWO GIRLS join them.

				JAY
		Oh shit, look who it is. The human
		vacuum.

				GIRL 1
		Scumbag. What are you doing?

				JAY
		Nothing. Just hanging out with
		Silent Bob and his cousin.

				GIRL 1
			(to SILENT BOB)
		He's your cousin?

				JAY
		Check this out, he's from Russia.

				GIRL 1
		No way.

				JAY
		I swear to God. Silent Bob, am I
		lying?

	SILENT BOB shakes his head:

				JAY
		See? And Silent Bob never told a
		lie in his life.

				GIRL 2
		What part of Russia?

									42.


				JAY
		I don't fucking know. What am I,
		his biographer?
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, what part of Russia are you
		from?

	OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.

				SILENT BOB
			(in Russian)
		Home.

				OLAF
			(comprehending)
		Moscow.

				GIRL 1
		He only speaks Russian?

				JAY
		He knows some English, but he can't
		not speak it good like we do.

				GIRL 2
		Is he staying here?

				JAY
		He's moving to the big city next
		week. He wants to be a metal singer.

				GIRL 1
		No way!

				JAY
		Swear.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, metal!

	OLAF makes a metal face.

				JAY
		That's his fucking metal face.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, girls nice?

	OLAF looks the girls up and down.

				OLAF
		Skrelnick.

				JAY
			(laughs)
		That's fucked up.

									43.


				GIRL 1
		What did he say?

				JAY
		I don't know, man. He's a fucking
		character.

				GIRL 2
		He really wants to play metal?

				JAY
		He's got his own band in Moscow.
		It's called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue
		Jeans" or something like that.

				GIRL 1
		That doesn't sound metal.

				JAY
		You gotta hear him sing.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf, "Berserker!"

	OLAF laughs and shakes his head.

				JAY
		Come on, man, "Berserker!"

				GIRL 2
		Does he sing in English or Russian?

				JAY
		English.
			(to OLAF)
		Come on, "Berserker!" Girls think
		sexy.

				OLAF
			(relents)
		Da. Da.

				JAY
		He's gonna sing it. This is too
		funny.

				OLAF
			(in broken English)
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK
		BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
		MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!

				JAY
			(laughing)
		That's fucking funny, man!

									44.


				GIRL 1
		Did he say "making fuck?"

				JAY
		Wait, there's more.
			(to OLAF)
		Olaf: sing...
			(makes pot-smoking face)


				OLAF
			(nods in understanding)
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A ROCK
		BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
		SOME POT? BERSERKER!

	OLAF busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The
	theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote,
	clicks the TV off, and ponders.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL locks the door and walks away, while OLAF sings for
	the small crowd.

				OLAF
		MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
		BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
		COCK? BERSERKER!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can
	is stuck on a MAN'S hand.

				DANTE
		You hold the counter and I'll pull.

				MAN
		Usually I just turn the can upside
		down.

									45.


				DANTE
			(pulling)
		Maybe we should soap your hand or
		something.

				MAN
			(straining)
		They oughta put some kind of
		warning on these cans, like they do
		with cigarettes.

				DANTE
		I think it's coming now...

	The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The
	man rubs his hand.

				MAN
		Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
		to go to the hospital.

				DANTE
		I'll throw this out. Precautionary
		measure.

				MAN
		It stings a little.

				DANTE
		A word of advice: Sometimes it's
		best to let those hard to reach
		chips go.

	DANTE steps behind the counter.

				MAN
		Thanks.

	The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister
	away.

				DANTE
		Do you know that article is accurate?
		Caitlin's really getting married!

				RANDAL
		You know what I just watched?

				DANTE
		Me pulling a can off some moron's
		fist.

				RANDAL
		Return of the Jedi.

									46.


				DANTE
		Didn't you hear me? Caitlin really
		is getting married.

				RANDAL
		Which did you like better: Jedi or
		The Empire Strikes Back.

				DANTE
			(exasperated)
		Empire.

				RANDAL
		Blasphemy.

				DANTE
		Empire had the better ending: Luke
		gets his hand cut off, and finds
		out Vader's his father; Han gets
		frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
		It ends on such a down note. And
		that's life-a series of down
		endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
		of Muppets.

				RANDAL
		There was something else going on
		in Jedi. I never noticed it until
		today.

	RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.

				DANTE
		What's that?

				RANDAL
		All right, Vader's boss...

				DANTE
		The Emperor.

				RANDAL
		Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
		is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?

				DANTE
		How do you mean?

				RANDAL
		Well, he's like the pope for the
		dark side of the Force. He's a holy
		man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
		evil one.

									47.


				DANTE
		I guess.

				RANDAL
		Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
		The Imperial government is under
		his control. And the entire galaxy
		is under Imperial rule.

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Then wouldn't that logically mean
		that it's a theocracy? If the head
		of the Empire is a priest of some
		sort, then it stands to reason that
		the government is therefore one
		based on religion.

				DANTE
		It would stand to reason, yes.

				RANDAL
		Hence, the Empire was a fascist
		theocracy, and the rebel forces
		were therefore battling religious
		persecution.

				DANTE
		More or less.

				RANDAL
		The only problem is that at no
		point in the series did I ever hear
		Leia or any of the rebels declare a
		particular religious belief.

				DANTE
		I think they were Catholics.

	A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yeah. Come in.

	He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

				RANDAL
		You know what else I noticed in Jedi?

									48.


				DANTE
		There's more?

				RANDAL
		So they build another Death Star,
		right?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Now the first one they built was
		completed and fully operational
		before the Rebels destroyed it.

				DANTE
		Luke blew it up. Give credit where
		it's due.

				RANDAL
		And the second one was still being
		built when they blew it up.

				DANTE
		Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

				RANDAL
		Something just never sat right with
		me the second time they destroyed
		it. I could never put my finger on
		it-something just wasn't right.

				DANTE
		And you figured it out?

				RANDAL
		Well, the thing is, the first Death
		Star was manned by the Imperial
		army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
		the only people onboard were
		Imperials.

				DANTE
		Basically.

				RANDAL
		So when they blew it up, no prob.
		Evil is punished.

				DANTE
		And the second time around...?

									49.


				RANDAL
		The second time around, it wasn't
		even finished yet. They were still
		under construction.

				DANTE
		So?

				RANDAL
		A construction job of that magnitude
		would require a helluva lot more
		manpower than the Imperial army had
		to offer. I'll bet there were
		independent contractors working on
		that thing: plumbers, aluminum
		siders, roofers.

				DANTE
		Not just Imperials, is what you're
		getting at.

				RANDAL
		Exactly. In order to get it built
		quickly and quietly they'd hire
		anybody who could do the job. Do
		you think the average storm trooper
		knows how to install a toilet main?
		All they know is killing and white
		uniforms.

				DANTE
		All right, so even if independent
		contractors are working on the
		Death Star, why are you uneasy with
		its destruction?

				RANDAL
		All those innocent contractors
		hired to do a job were killed-
		casualties of a war they had
		nothing to do with.
			(notices Dante's confusion)
		All right, look-you're a roofer,
		and some juicy government contract
		comes your way; you got the wife
		and kids and the two-story in
		suburbia-this is a government
		contract, which means all sorts of
		benefits. All of a sudden these
		left-wing militants blast you with
		lasers and wipe out everyone within
		a three-mile radius.
				(MORE)

									50.


				RANDAL (CONT'D)
		You didn't ask for that. You have
		no personal politics. You're just
		trying to scrape out a living.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Excuse me. I don't mean to
		interrupt, but what were you
		talking about?

				RANDAL
		The ending of Return of the Jedi.

				DANTE
		My friend is trying to convince me
		that any contractors working on the
		uncompleted Death Star were innocent
		victims when the space station was
		destroyed by the rebels.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
		a roofer...
			(digs into pocket and
			produces business card)
		Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
		And speaking as a roofer, I can say
		that a roofer's personal politics
		come heavily into play when choosing
		jobs.

				RANDAL
		Like when?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Three months ago I was offered a
		job up in the hills. A beautiful
		house with tons of property. It was
		a simple reshingling job, but I was
		told that if it was finished within
		a day, my price would be doubled.
		Then I realized whose house it was.

				DANTE
		Whose house was it?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Dominick Bambino's.

				RANDAL
		"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?

									51.


				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		The same. The money was right, but
		the risk was too big. I knew who he
		was, and based on that, I passed
		the job on to a friend of mine.

				DANTE
		Based on personal politics.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Right. And that week, the Foresci
		family put a hit on Babyface's
		house. My friend was shot and
		killed. He wasn't even finished
		shingling.

				RANDAL
		No way!

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
			(paying for coffee)
		I'm alive because I knew there were
		risks involved taking on that
		particular client. My friend wasn't
		so lucky.
			(pauses to reflect)
		You know, any contractor willing to
		work on that Death Star knew the
		risks. If they were killed, it was
		their own fault. A roofer listens
		to this...
			(taps his heart)
		not his wallet.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
	respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
	door and pokes her head in.

				WOMAN
		Is that video store open or not?

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL reads a newspaper. An INDECISIVE CUSTOMER studies the
	two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
	the other repeatedly.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(attempting a solicit help)
		They say so much, but they never
		tell you if it's any good.

									52.


	RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The
	INDECISIVE CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was
	even heard. She tries again, but this time with a different
	approach.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Are either of these any good?

	RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries
	harder, then louder and more direct:

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Sir!

	RANDAL continues to read.

				RANDAL
			(flatly)
		What.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(politely)
		Are either of these any good?

	RANDAL, as always, reads on.

				RANDAL
			(again, flatly)
		I don't watch movies.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put
	off.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		Well, have you heard anything about
		either of them?

	RANDAL does his level best to not get involved.

				RANDAL
			(reading)
		No.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(in disbelief)
		You've never heard anybody say
		anything about either movie?

									53.


				RANDAL (O.C.)
		I find it's best to stay out of
		other people's affairs.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(with a new determination)
		Well, how about these two movies?
			(holds up the same two)


	RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.

				RANDAL
		They suck.

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at RANDAL and his
	paper. She has caught him.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I just held up the same two movies.
		You're not even paying attention.

				RANDAL
		No, I wasn't.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I don't think your manager would
		appreciate...

				RANDAL
			(turning the page)
		I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		I beg your pardon!

				RANDAL
			(reading on)
		Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
		trick me.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(defending herself)
		I only pointed out that you weren't
		paying any attention to what I was
		saying.

				RANDAL
			(turning page and reading)
		I hope it feels good.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		You hope what feels good?

									54.


				RANDAL
		I hope it feels so good to be right.
		There is nothing more exhilarating
		than pointing out the shortcomings
		of others, is there?

	The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter
	disbelief in the audacity of this most lackadaisical video
	clerk. The unmoving newspaper illustrates the total
	disinterest of the news-hungry RANDAL. The INDECISIVE
	CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
	back onto the wall.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(in a huff)
		Well this is the last time I ever
		rent here...

				RANDAL
		You'll be missed.

				INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
			(losing it altogether)
		Screw you!

	She storms out. RANDAL is offended. He hops over the counter
	and whips the door open.

				RANDAL
			(calling after her)
		You're not allowed to rent here
		anymore!

	RANDAL closes the door and stands there, momentarily,
	totally appalled by her exiting remark, then shakes his head.

				RANDAL
		Screw me!

	He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys.
	Exiting, he locks the door behind him from the outside,
	gives it a tug to ensure its security, and storms off in the
	opposite direction from the woman.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE is staring, open-mouthed, at something O.C. RANDAL
	hurls the door open and immediately launches into his tirade.

				RANDAL
		You'll never believe what this
		unruly customer just said...

									55.


				DANTE
			(a hand up to urge
			him to hush)
		Wait.

				RANDAL
			(looking around)
		She's in here?

				DANTE
		This guy is going through all of
		the eggs. Look.

	An ODD MAN sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs,
	all opened. He grabs a carton from the cooler case, pops it
	open, and examines each egg carefully.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		This has been going on for twenty
		minutes.

	RANDAL and DANTE study the O.C. oddity.

				RANDAL
		What's he looking for?

				DANTE
		He said he has to find a perfect
		dozen.

				RANDAL
		Perfect dozen.

				DANTE
		Each egg has to be perfect.

				RANDAL
		The quest isn't going well?

				DANTE
		Obviously not. Look at all the
		cartons that didn't make the grade.

	The ODD MAN holds an egg up to the light and studies it from
	several different angles.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		Why doesn't he just mix and match?

				DANTE
		I told him that and he yelled at me.

	RANDAL snickers at his friend.

									56.


				RANDAL
		What did he say?

				DANTE
		He said it was important to have
		standards. He said nobody has pride
		anymore.

				RANDAL
		It's not like you laid the eggs
		yourself.

				DANTE
		I'll give him five more minutes
		then I'm calling the cops. I don't
		need this, man. I'm not even
		supposed to be here today.

	A SMOKER steps in.

				SMOKER
		Two packs of cigarettes.

	Dante manages to break his study of the O.C. oddity and
	searches for the smokes. The smoker glances at RANDAL and
	then at the O.C. oddity.

	The ODD MAN is spinning an egg on the floor. The SMOKER
	looks at RANDAL.

				RANDAL
			(still staring at the
			ODD MAN)
		I'm as puzzled as you.

				SMOKER
			(paying DANTE)
		I've actually seen it before.

				DANTE
		You know him?

				SMOKER
		No, I've seen that behavior before.
		Looking for the perfect carton of
		eggs, right?

				RANDAL
			(a bit astonished)
		Yeah. How'd you know?

				SMOKER
		I'll bet you a million bucks that
		the guy's a guidance counselor.

									57.


				DANTE
		Why do you say that?

				SMOKER
		I was in the Food City last year
		when the same thing happened,
		different guy though. Stock boy
		told me that the guy had been
		looking through the eggs for like
		half an hour, doing all sorts of
		endurance tests and shit. I ask the
		kid how come nobody called the
		manager, and he says it happens
		twice a week, sometimes more.

				RANDAL
		Get out of here.

				SMOKER
		I kid you not. They call it Shell
		Shock. Only happens with guidance
		counselors for some reason. The kid
		said they used to make a big deal
		about it, but there's no point.

	The ODD MAN places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor.
	He quickly whisks the handkerchief away to reveal the egg
	still sitting on the floor.

				SMOKER (O.C.)
		He said they always pay for whatever
		they break and they never bother
		anybody.

	DANTE, RANDAL and the SMOKER stare at the O.C. man.

				DANTE
		Why guidance counselors?

				SMOKER
		If your job served as little
		purpose as theirs, wouldn't you
		lose it, too?

				RANDAL
		Come to think of it, my guidance
		counselor was kind of worthless.

				SMOKER
			(grabbing matches)
		See? It's important to have a job
		that makes a difference, boys.
		That's why I kill Chinamen for the
		railroad.

						CUT TO:

									58.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	POV RANDAL: THE EMPTY COUNTER

	And then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding
	money. She can't be any more than five.

				LITTLE GIRL
			(innocently)
		Can I have a pack of cigarettes?

	RANDAL, without looking up from his magazine, completes the
	transaction. THE LITTLE GIRL puts a cigarette in her mouth.
	RANDAL hands her matches. DANTE returns to the counter as
	the girl skips away. Dante holds a price gun.

				DANTE
		Did you ever notice all the prices
		end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

				RANDAL
		You know how much money the average
		jizz-mopper make per hour?

				DANTE
		What's a jizz-mopper?

				RANDAL
		He's the guy in those nudie-booth
		joints who cleans up after each guy
		that jerks off.

				DANTE
		Nudie booth?

				RANDAL
		Nudie booth. You've never been in a
		nudie booth?

				DANTE
		I guess not.

	A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter. DANTE rings
	her up.

				RANDAL
		Oh, it's great. You step into this
		little booth and there's this
		window between you and this naked
		woman, and she puts on this little
		show for like ten bucks.

				DANTE
		What kind of show?

									59.


				RANDAL
		Think of the weirdest, craziest
		shit you'd like to see chicks do.
		These chicks do it all. They insert
		things into any opening in their
		body...any opening.
			(to customer)
		He's led a very sheltered life.

				DANTE
			(indicating CUSTOMER)
		Can we talk about this later?

				RANDAL
		The jizz-mopper's job is to clean
		up the booths afterward, because
		practically everybody shoots a load
		against the window, and I don't
		know if you know or not, but cum
		leaves streaks if you don't clean
		it right away.

				CUSTOMER
			(grabbing her bag, disgusted)
		This is the last time I come to
		this place.

				DANTE
		Excuse me?

				CUSTOMER
		Using filthy language in front of
		the customers...you should both get
		fired.

				DANTE
		We're sorry, ma'am. We got a little
		carried away.

				CUSTOMER
		Well, I don't know if sorry can
		make up for it. I found your
		remarks highly offensive.

	The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting something.

				RANDAL
		Well, you think that's offensive...

	RANDAL flips open the magazine's centerfold-a graphic
	picture of a woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread
	wide open.

									60.


				RANDAL
		...then check this out. I think you
		can see her kidneys.

	RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically
	apologizes to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.

				DANTE
		Ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry! Please,
		wait a second, ma'am...

	The CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE'S pursuit stops at the counter.
	DANTE turns on RANDAL.

				DANTE
		Why do you do things like that? You
		know she's going to come back and
		tell the boss.

				RANDAL
		Who cares? That lady's an asshole.
		Everybody that comes in here is way
		too uptight. This job would be
		great if it wasn't for the fucking
		customers.

				DANTE
		I'm gonna hear it tomorrow.

				RANDAL
		You gotta loosen up, my friend.
		You'd feel a hell of a lot better
		if you'd rip into the occasional
		customer.

				DANTE
		What for? They don't bother me if I
		don't bother them.

				RANDAL
		Liar! Tell me there aren't customers
		that annoy the piss out of you on a
		daily basis.

				DANTE
		There aren't.

				RANDAL
		How can you lie like that? Why
		don't you vent? Vent your
		frustration. Come on, who pisses
		you off?

									61.


				DANTE
			(reluctantly)
		It's not really anyone per se, it's
		more of separate groupings.

				RANDAL
		Let's hear it.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		The milkmaids.

				RANDAL
		The milkmaids?

	INSERT: MILK HANDLER

	A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the
	cooler for that perfect container of milk.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		The women that go through every
		gallon of milk looking for a later
		date. As if somewhere-beyond all
		the other gallons-is a container of
		milk that won't go bad for like a
		decade.

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		You know who I can do without? I
		could do without the people in the
		video store.

				DANTE
		Which ones?

				RANDAL
		All of them.

	MONTAGE INSERT #1/VIDEO JERKS

	A series of people addressing the camera, asking the dumb
	questions.

				FIRST
		What would you get for a six-year-
		old boy who chronically wets his bed?

				SECOND
			(in front of stocked
			new release shelf)
		Do you have any new movies in?

									62.


				THIRD
		Do you have that one with the guy
		who was in that movie that was out
		last year?

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		And they never rent quality flicks;
		they always pick the most
		intellectually devoid movie on the
		rack.

	MONTAGE INSERT #2/"Ooooh!..."

	An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.

				FIRST
		Ooooh! Home Alone!

				SECOND
		Ooooh! Hook!

				THIRD
		Ooooh! Navy Seals!

	END INSERT

	RANDAL

	It's like in order to join, they have to have an IQ less
	than their shoe size.

	DANTE

	You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the
	barrage of stupid questions I get.

	MONTAGE INSERT #3/DUMB QUESTIONS

	A series of people standing in various locations throughout
	the convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.

				FIRST
			(holding coffee)
		What do you mean there's no ice?
		You mean I've gotta drink this
		coffee hot?!

				SECOND
			(holding up item from
			clearly marked $.99 display)
		How much?

									63.


				THIRD
			(peeking in door)
		Do you sell hubcaps?

	END INSERT

				RANDAL
		See? You vented. Don't you feel
		better now?

				DANTE
		No.

				RANDAL
		Why not?

				DANTE
		Because my ex-girlfriend is getting
		married.

				RANDAL
		Jesus, you got a one-track mind.
		It's always Caitlin, Caitlin,
		Caitlin...

				DANTE
			(jerking head toward door)
		Veronica!

	DANTE gives RANDAL a shove to shut him up. VERONICA enters
	the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum
	foil.

				VERONICA
		What happened to home by twelve?

	DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under
	her arm.

				DANTE
		He still hasn't shown up. Why
		aren't you in class?

				VERONICA
		Lit 101 got canceled, so I stopped
		home and brought you some lunch.

				DANTE
		What is it?

				VERONICA
		Peanut butter and jelly with the
		crusts cut off. What do you think
		it is? It's lasagne.

									64.


				DANTE
		Really?
			(kisses her forehead)
		You're the best.

				VERONICA
		I'm glad you've calmed down a bit.
			(to RANDAL)
		Hi, Randal.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
			(exaggeratively impressed)
		Thirty-seven!

				DANTE
			(to O.C.)
		Shut up!
			(to VERONICA)
		Yes, I've calmed down, I'm still
		not happy about it, but I've been
		able to deal.

	RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from O.C.

				DANTE
			(to O.C.)
		Why don't you go back to the video
		store?

	RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He
	exits.

				VERONICA
		You had to tell him.

				DANTE
		I had to tell someone. He put it
		into perspective.

				VERONICA
		What did he say?

				DANTE
		At least he wasn't thirty-six.

				VERONICA
		And that made you feel better?

				DANTE
		And he said most of them are
		college guys, I've never met or seen.

									65.


				VERONICA
		The ostrich syndrome: if you don't
		see it...

				DANTE
		...it isn't there. Yes.

				VERONICA
		Thank you for being rational.

				DANTE
		Thank you for the lasagne.

				VERONICA
		You couldn't get these shutters open?

				DANTE
		I called a locksmith and he said
		the earliest he could get here it
		tomorrow.

				VERONICA
		Bummer, Well, I've gotta head back
		for the one-thirty class.

				DANTE
		What time do you get finished?

				VERONICA
		Eight. But I have a sorority
		meeting till nine, so I'll be back
		before you close. Can we go out and
		get some coffee?

				DANTE
		Sure.

				VERONICA
		Good.
			(kisses him)
		I'll see you when you close, then.
		Enjoy the lasagne.

	She exits. DANTE leans against the magazine rack with his
	lasagne, contemplative. RANDAL pops his head in and makes
	the loud slurping noise again.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

	RANDAL is recommending titles to potential customers.

									66.


				RANDAL
		All right, now if you're really
		feeling dangerous tonight, then
		Smokey and the Bandit Three is the
		movie you must rent.

				CUSTOMER
			(studying box)
		This doesn't even have Burt Reynolds
		in it.

				RANDAL
		Hey, neither did ET; but that was a
		great movie, right?

	DANTE opens the door and leans in.

				DANTE
		Can you come next door? I gotta
		make a phone call.

				RANDAL
			(to DANTE)
		Smokey Three: thumbs up, am I right?

				DANTE
		The best Burtless movie ever made.

	DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tell-
	you look.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	THE CAT lies on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as
	he rings up an order. The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.

				CUSTOMER
		Awww, he's so cute. What's his name?

				RANDAL
		Lenin's Tomb.

	Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.

				DANTE
		Hello, is Mr. Synder there? This is
		Dante...Did he say if he was on his
		way here?...Here...The convenience
		store...I know, but the other guy
		called out this morning and Mr.
				(MORE)

									67.


				DANTE (CONT'D)
		Synder asked me to cover until he
		got here. He said he'd be here by
		noon, but it's one-thirty now, so
		I...Excuse me...Vermont?!...No,
		that can't be; I talked to him this
		morning...He left at what time?...He
		really went to Vermont?...When the
		hell was someone going to tell
		me?...He promised he was coming by
		noon!...Jesus...When does he get
		back?!...TUESDAY!...You've gotta be
		fucking kidding me!...I've got a
		hockey game at two, and the fucking
		shutters are jammed closed, and
		he's in Vermont?...I'm not even
		supposed to be here today!!
			(deep sigh)
		So I'm stuck here till
		closing?...This is just great...I
		just can't believe...I'm sorry, I
		didn't mean to yell at
		you...No...No, I'll be all
		right...Well, that's all I can do,
		right?...Thanks.

	He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.

				RANDAL
		Vermont?

				DANTE
		Can you believe this?!

				RANDAL
		He didn't mention it when he called
		you this morning?

				DANTE
		Not a fucking word! Slippery shit!

				RANDAL
		So, what-you're stuck here all day?

				DANTE
		FUCK!

				RANDAL
		Why'd you apologize?

				DANTE
		What?

									68.


				RANDAL
		I heard you apologize. Why? You
		have every right in the world to be
		mad.

				DANTE
		I know.

				RANDAL
		That seems to be the leitmotif in
		your life; ever backing down.

				DANTE
		I don't back down.

				RANDAL
		Yes, you do. You always back down.
		You assume blame that isn't yours,
		you come in when called as opposed
		to enjoying your day off, you
		buckle like a belt.

				DANTE
		You know what pisses me off the most?

				RANDAL
		The fact that I'm right about your
		buckling?

				DANTE
		I'm going to miss the game.

				RANDAL
		Because you buckled.

				DANTE
		Would you shut the hell up with
		that shit? It's not helping.

				RANDAL
		Don't yell at me, pal.

				DANTE
		Sorry.

				RANDAL
		See? There you go again.

				DANTE
		I can't believe I'm going to miss
		the game!

				RANDAL
		At least we're stuck here together.

									69.


				DANTE
		You've got a customer.

	RANDAL walks away.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		What? What do you want?!

	DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the phone
	again.

				DANTE
		Sanford? Dante...I can't play
		today...I'm stuck at work...I know
		I'm not scheduled, but-just forget
		it. I can't play...Neither can
		Randal...He's working too...

	RANDAL comes back. DANTE rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

				DANTE
			(getting an idea)
		Wait a second. Do we have to play
		at the park?...Hold on...
			(to RANDAL)
		Do you feel limber?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	TAPE is rolled around the top of a stick. Laces are pulled
	tightly. An orange ball is slapped back and forth by a blade.
	The HOCKEY PLAYERS fill the convenience store. Some sit on
	the floor or lean against the coolers, but all are either
	preparing or practicing. RANDAL enters, wearing his equipment.
	DANTE skates to his side.

				DANTE
			(lifting his foot)
		Pull my laces tighter.

				RANDAL
			(drops mitt and pulls laces)
		I've gotta tell you, my friend:
		this is one of the ballsiest moves
		I've ever been privy to. I never
		would have thought you capable of
		such blatant disregard of store
		policy.

				DANTE
		I told him I had a game today. It's
		his own fault.

									70.


				RANDAL
		No argument here. Insubordination
		rules.

				DANTE
		I just want to play hockey like I
		was scheduled to.

	SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.

				SANFORD
		Dante, let me grab a Gatorade.

				DANTE
		If you grab a Gatorade, then
		everybody's going to grab one.

				SANFORD
		So?

				DANTE
		So? So nobody's going to want to
		pay for these Gatorades.

				SANFORD
		What do you care? Hey, what smells
		like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		I've got a responsibility here. I
		can't let everybody grab free drinks.

				SANFORD
		What responsibility? You're closing
		the fucking store to play hockey.

				RANDAL
		He's blunt, but he's got a point.

				DANTE
		At least let me maintain some
		semblance of managerial control here.

				SANFORD
		All I'm saying is if you're going
		to be insubordinate, you should go
		the full nine and not pussy out
		when it comes to free refreshments.

				RANDAL
		He's right. As if we're suddenly
		gonna have a run on Gatorade.

									71.


				SANFORD
		Fuckin-A.

				DANTE
		All right. Jesus, you fuckers are
		pushy.

				SANFORD
		Hey man, I hear Caitlin's marrying
		an Asian drum major.

				RANDAL
		Design major.

				DANTE
		Can we not talk about this?

				SANFORD
		Fine by me. But you're living in
		denial and suppressing rage.
			(skating away; to all)
		Dante said we can all drink free
		Gatorade.

	A laid-back hurrah is heard.

				RANDAL
		Are you gonna lock the store?

				DANTE
		I don't know. You going to lock the
		video store?

				RANDAL
		Look who you're asking here. How're
		we gonna block off the street?

				DANTE
		We're not playing in the street.

				RANDAL
		Then where're we gonna play?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	The sign on the door reads:

	TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPEN AFTER FIRST PERIOD.

	The PLAYERS ascend a ladder adjacent to the door, one by one.
	ON THE ROOF they jump off the ladder and skate around. More
	players join them.

									72.


	From across the street we get the full, odd perspective: a
	store with many men gliding around on the roof.

	On the roof DANTE skates and passes with another player.
	REDDING stretches, leaning against the sign. RANDAL pulls
	his mask on and slaps his glove, urging a shot. SANFORD
	skates in and takes a shot, which RANDAL blocks. JAY and
	SILENT BOB deal to a player: he drops money over the ledge
	and JAY throws up a dime bag. DANTE holds a ball in the
	center of the court.

				DANTE
		Ready?

	PLAYERS take positions. SANFORD comes to the center and
	holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and REDDING face off,
	and the ball is in play.

	The game begins as the players engage in a savage ballet.
	Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are made, shots
	are taken, CU's of various players included.

	INACTIVE PLAYERS call out encouragement and slander from the
	sidelines. More game playing including both goalies getting
	scored on and more face-offs.

	Below, a CUSTOMER tugs on the convenience store door. He
	reads the sign and then backs up into the street, attempting
	to peer over the ledge. Above, the game continues.

	Below, the CUSTOMER shifts from one foot to the other
	impatiently. He grabs the ladder and quickly ascends.

	Above, from over the ledge of the roof, we see the head of
	the customer peek. Skating feet pass rapidly before him, and
	he watches for a moment before calling out.

				CUSTOMER
		When's this period over?

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		Eight more minutes!

				CUSTOMER
		Are you shitting me? I want to get
		cigarettes!

	DANTE skids to the sidelines.

				DANTE
			(out of breath)
		If you can just wait a few more
		minutes.

									73.


				CUSTOMER
		Fuck that! I'm gonna break my crazy
		neck on this ladder!

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		Dante! Where are you?!

				CUSTOMER
		He's busy!

	DANTE starts to skate away.

				DANTE
		I'll be right back. It's almost over.

	He jumps back into the game.

				CUSTOMER
		What the fuck is this?! I want some
		service!

				DANTE (O.C.)
		In a second!

				CUSTOMER
		Fuck in a second! This is...Look at
		you! You can't even pass!

				DANTE (O.C.)
		I can pass!

				CUSTOMER
		How 'bout covering point!? You suck!

	DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.

				DANTE
		Who are you to make assessments?

				CUSTOMER
		I'll assess all I want!

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		DANTE! ARE YOU IN OR OUT!

				CUSTOMER
			(to O.C. SOMEONE)
		Don't pass to this guy! He sucks!
			(to DANTE)
		You suck!

				DANTE
		Like you're better!

									74.


				CUSTOMER
		I can whip your ass.

	Below, a WOMAN pulls at the door. She peers into the store,
	face against the glass.

				DANTE (O.C.)
		That's easy to say from over here.

				CUSTOMER (O.C.)
		Give me a stick, pretty boy! I'll
		knock your fucking teeth out and
		pass all over your ass.

	The WOMAN backs up and, shielding her eyes, looks toward the
	roof.

				WOMAN
		Is the convenience store open?

	Above, DANTE and the CUSTOMER shout down at the O.C. WOMAN.

				DANTE AND CUSTOMER
			(simultaneously)
		NO!

				DANTE
			(to CUSTOMER)
		There's a stick over there. You're
		shooting against the goal.
			(to the court)
		REDDING! COME OFF AND LET THIS FUCK
		ON!

	A new face-off pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER. The ball
	drops between the two and DANTE gets flattened. The CUSTOMER
	winds up and takes a hard shot. The ball sails off the
	court, through the air, and into a faraway yard. DANTE calls
	to the sidelines.

				DANTE
		Give me another ball.

				SOMEONE (O.C.)
		There are no more.

				DANTE
		What the fuck are you talking about?
		How many balls did you bring?

	SANFORD skates up to him.

									75.


				SANFORD
			(counting)
		There was the orange ball...and the
		orange ball.

	DANTE scrambles to the edge and calls over.

				DANTE
		Are there any balls down there?!

				JAY (O.C.)
		'Bout the biggest pair you ever
		seen! NYNNE!!

	DANTE looks around, hyperventilating.

				DANTE
		You only brought one ball?!

				SANFORD
		I thought Redding had like three
		balls!

				REDDING (O.C.)
		I thought Dante had the balls.

				DANTE
		Nobody has another ball?

				SANFORD
		Shit!

				DANTE
		We get...what...twelve minutes of
		game, and it's over? Fuck! Fuck!
		Fuck! Fuck!!
			(pause; rubs head)
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

	DANTE skates off.

				SANFORD
		We still get free Gatorade, right?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. An
	OLD MAN joins him at the foot of the ladder.

				OLD MAN
		Be careful.

									76.


				DANTE
		I'm trying.

				OLD MAN
		You know the insides of those are
		filled with stuff that gives you
		cancer.

				DANTE
		So I'm told.

				OLD MAN
		I had a friend that used to chew
		glass for a living. In the circus.

	The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.

				DANTE
		And he got cancer by chewing
		fluorescent bulb glass...?

				OLD MAN
		No, he got hit by a bus.

				DANTE
			(confused)
		Oh...Can I help you?

				OLD MAN
		Well, that depends. Do you have a
		bathroom?

				DANTE
		Um...yeah, but it's for employees
		only.

				OLD MAN
		I understand, but can I use it. I'm
		not that young anymore, so I'm kind
		of...you know...incontinent.

				DANTE
		Uh...sure. Go ahead. It's back
		through the cooler.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son. Say-what kind of toilet
		paper you got back there?

				DANTE
		The white kind.

									77.


				OLD MAN
		I'm not asking about the color. I
		mean is it rough or cottony?

				DANTE
		Actually, it is kind of rough.

				OLD MAN
		Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell
		out of my hemorrhoids. Say, would
		you mind if I took a roll of the
		soft stuff back there. I see you
		sell the soft stuff.

				DANTE
		Yeah, but...

				OLD MAN
		Aw, c'mon boy. What's the difference?
		You said yourself the stuff that's
		there now is rough.

				DANTE
		Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son, you're a lifesaver.

	The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The
	OLD MAN returns.

				OLD MAN
		Say, young fella, you know I hate
		to bother you again, but can I take
		a paper or something back there...to
		read? It usually takes me a while,
		and I like to read while it's going
		on.

				DANTE
		Jesus...go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks, young man. You've got a
		heart of gold.

	The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines.
	He comes back to the counter.

				DANTE
		You know, you probably could've
		been home, already, in the time
		it's taken you to get in there.

									78.


				OLD MAN
		Can I trouble you for one of those
		magazines?

				DANTE
		I said go ahead.

				OLD MAN
		No, I mean the ones there. Behind
		the counter.

	DANTE glances over and reacts.

				DANTE
		The porno mags?

				OLD MAN
		Yeah. I like the cartoons. They
		make me laugh. They draw the
		biggest titties.

				DANTE
			(hands one to him)
		Here. Now leave me alone.

				OLD MAN
		Uh, can I have the other one. The
		one below this one. They show more
		in that one.

	DANTE makes the switch.

				OLD MAN
		Thanks son. I appreciate this.

	The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close,
	then the front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.

				RANDAL
		Helluva game!

				DANTE
		One ball!! They come all the way
		here...I close the damn store...for
		one ball!

				RANDAL
		Hockey's hockey. At least we got to
		play.

				DANTE
		Randal, twelve minutes is not a
		game! Jesus, it's barely a warm-up!

									79.


				RANDAL
		Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want
		something to drink?
			(walking away)


				DANTE
		Gatorade.

	Pause. Then...

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		What happened to all the Gatorade?

				DANTE
		Exactly. They drank it all.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		After an exhausting game like that
		I can believe it.

				DANTE
			(as RANDAL)
		"It's not like we're gonna sell
		out."

	RANDAL comes back with drinks.

				RANDAL
		You know what Sanford told me?
			(offering drink)


				DANTE
		I still can't believe Caitlin's
		getting married.

				RANDAL
		Julie Dwyer died.

				DANTE
		Yeah, right.

				RANDAL
		No, I'm serious.

	DANTE is visibly taken aback.

				DANTE
		Oh, my god.

				RANDAL
		Sanford's brother dates her cousin.
		He found out this morning.

									80.


				DANTE
		How? When?

				RANDAL
		Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

				DANTE
		Jesus.

				RANDAL
		She was swimming at the YMCA pool
		when it happened. Died midbackstroke.

				DANTE
		I haven't seen her in almost two
		years.

				RANDAL
		Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't
		she one of the illustrious twelve?

				DANTE
		Number six.

				RANDAL
		You've had sex with a dead person.

				DANTE
		I'm gonna go to her wake.

				RANDAL
		No, you're not.

				DANTE
		Why not?

				RANDAL
		It's today.

				DANTE
		What!?

				RANDAL
		Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next
		show is at four.

				DANTE
		Shit. What about tomorrow?

				RANDAL
		One night only. She's buried in the
		morning.

									81.


				DANTE
		You've gotta watch the store. I
		have to go to this.

				RANDAL
		Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred
		to you that I might bereaved as well?

				DANTE
		You hardly knew her!

				RANDAL
		True, but do you know how many
		people are going to be there? All
		of our old classmates, to say the
		least.

				DANTE
		Stop it. This is beneath even you.

				RANDAL
		I'm not missing what's probably
		going to be the social event of the
		season.

				DANTE
		You hate people.

				RANDAL
		But I love gatherings. Isn't it
		ironic?

				DANTE
		Don't be an asshole. Somebody has
		to stay with the store.

				RANDAL
		If you go, I go.

				DANTE
		She meant nothing to you!

				RANDAL
		She meant nothing to you either
		until I told you she died.

				DANTE
		I'm not taking you to this funeral.

				RANDAL
		I'm going with you.

				DANTE
		I can't close the store.

									82.


				RANDAL
		You just closed the store to play
		hockey on the roof!

				DANTE
		Exactly, which means I can't close
		it for another hour so we can both
		go to a wake.

						CUT TO:

	INT CAR: DAY

	DANTE drives with passenger RANDAL, their backs to the camera.

				RANDAL
		You were saying?

				DANTE
		Thanks for putting me in a tough
		spot. You're a good friend.

	Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		She was pretty young, hunhh?

				DANTE
		Twenty-two; same as us.

				RANDAL
		An embolism in a pool.

				DANTE
		An embarrassing way to die.

				RANDAL
		That's nothing compared to how my
		cousin Walter died.

				DANTE
		How'd he die?

				RANDAL
		Broke his neck.

				DANTE
		That's embarrassing?

				RANDAL
		He broke his neck trying to suck
		his own dick.

	Absolute silence. Then...

									83.


				DANTE
		Shut the hell up.

				RANDAL
		Bible truth.

				DANTE
		Stop it.

				RANDAL
		I swear.

				DANTE
		Oh, my god.

				RANDAL
		Come on. Haven't you ever tried to
		suck your own dick?

				DANTE
		No!

				RANDAL
		Yeah sure. You're so repressed.

				DANTE
		Because I never tried to suck my
		own dick?

				RANDAL
		No, because you won't admit to it.
		As if a guy's a fucking pervert
		because he tries to go down on
		himself. You're as curious as the
		rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

				DANTE
		Who found him?

				RANDAL
		My cousin? My aunt found him. On
		his bed, doubled over himself with
		his legs on top. Dick in his mouth.
		My aunt freaked out. It was a mess.

				DANTE
		His dick was in his mouth?

				RANDAL
		Balls resting on his lips.

				DANTE
		He made it, hunhh?

									84.


				RANDAL
		Yeah, but at what a price.

	Silence. Then...

				DANTE
		I could never reach.

				RANDAL
		Reach what?

				DANTE
		You know.

				RANDAL
		What, your dick?

				DANTE
		Yeah. Like you said, you know. I
		guess everyone tries it, sooner of
		later.

				RANDAL
		I never tried it.

	DANTE glares at RANDAL. Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		Fucking pervert.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

	DANTE and RANDAL walk up the path to the funeral parlor.

				DANTE
		I know it was a bad idea to close
		the store.

				RANDAL
		Listen to you.

				DANTE
		I can't help it. At least when we
		were playing hockey outside, I
		could see if anyone wanted to go in.

				RANDAL
		Nobody's there. It's four o'clock
		on a Saturday. How many people ever
		come to the store at four on a
		Saturday?

						CUT TO:

									85.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	A MASSIVE CROWD is outside the store.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

	DANTE and RANDAL run from the front door, closely chased by
	a small crowd of angry mourners. Car locks are slammed down.
	The car screams away. The pursuing crowd stands in the
	middle of the street, shaking their fists, throwing things.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	The car pulls up and RANDAL and DANTE get out. Absolutely
	nobody is outside.

				DANTE
			(furious)
		I can't fucking believe you!!

				RANDAL
		I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault!

				DANTE
		You knocked the fucking casket
		over, for Chrissakes!

				RANDAL
		I was just leaning on it! It was an
		accident!

				DANTE
		Does anyone ever knock over a
		casket on purpose?

				RANDAL
		So the casket fell over! Big deal!

				DANTE
		Her fucking body fell out!

				RANDAL
		So they'll put her back in! It's
		not like it's gonna matter if she
		breaks something!

				DANTE
			(opening door)
		Just...go! Go open the video store.

									86.


				JAY (O.C.)
			(mimicking)
		Yeah! Open the video store!!

				RANDAL
			(to O.C.)
		Shut the fuck up, junkie!

	JAY enters the frame, right next to RANDAL. He aims his butt
	at him and farts. RANDAL lunges for him. DANTE grabs RANDAL.

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Go open the video store.

				JAY
		Yeah, you cock-smoking clerk.

				DANTE
			(to JAY)
		How many times I gotta tell you not
		to deal outside the store.

				JAY
		I'm not dealing.

	A KID tugs at JAY'S shirt.

				KID
		You got anything, man?

				JAY
		Yeah, what do you want?

	RANDAL heads to the video store. DANTE enters the convenience
	store and slides the sign to OPEN. After a few seconds, the
	IMPATIENT CUSTOMER (guy who lost his keys) appears,
	flashlight in hand, scanning the ground.

				IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
			(to JAY)
		Hey, did you see a set of keys
		lying around here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE rearranges the milk. RANDAL joins him.

				RANDAL
		Let me borrow your car.

									87.


				DANTE
		I don't want to talk to you.

				RANDAL
		Fine. Just lend me your car.

				DANTE
		Why should I loan you my car?

				RANDAL
		I want to rent a movie.

				DANTE
			(pause)
		You want to rent a movie.

	DANTE walks away, shaking his head.

				RANDAL
		What's that for?

				DANTE
		You work in a video store!

	They head back to the counter.

				RANDAL
		I work in a shitty video store. I
		want to go to a good video store so
		I can rent a good movie.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE AND RANDAL
			(simultaneously)
		YES!

	The CUSTOMER comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(pets cat)
		Cute cat. What's its name?

				RANDAL
		Annoying Customer.

	The CUSTOMER lets it sink in, and then leaves in a huff.
	DANTE puts up cigarettes.

									88.


				DANTE
		Can you imagine being halfway
		decent to the customers at least
		some of the time?

				RANDAL
		Let me borrow your car.

				DANTE
			(calmer)
		May I be blunt with you?

				RANDAL
		If you must.

				DANTE
		We are employees of Quick Stop
		Convenience and RST video,
		respectively. As such, we have
		certain responsibilities which-
		though it may seem cruel and
		unusual-does include manning our
		posts until closing.

				RANDAL
		I see. So playing hockey and
		attending wakes-these practices are
		standard operating procedure.

				DANTE
		There's a difference. Those were
		obligations. Obligations that could
		not have been met at any later date.
		Now renting videos-that's just
		gratuitous, not to mention
		illogical, considering you work in
		a video store.

	Another CUSTOMER leans in.

				CUSTOMER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
			(rolls his eyes)
		Yes.

				RANDAL
		You know what? I don't think I care
		for you rationale.

									89.


				DANTE
		It's going to have to do for now,
		considering that it's my car that's
		up for request.
			(to CUSTOMER)
		Can I help you?

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.

				RANDAL
		What's your point?

				DANTE
		My point is that you're a clerk,
		paid to do a job. You can't just do
		anything you want while you're
		working.

				CUSTOMER
			(reading tabloid)
		"Space Alien Revealed as Head of
		Time Warner; Reports Stock
		Increase."
			(to DANTE and RANDAL)
		They print any kind of shit in
		these papers.

				DANTE
		They certainly do. Two fifty-five.

				RANDAL
		So your argument is that title
		dictates behavior?

				DANTE
		What?

				RANDAL
		The reasons you won't let me borrow
		your care is because I have a title
		and a job description, and I'm
		supposed to follow it, right?

				DANTE
		Exactly.

				CUSTOMER
			(interjecting)
		I saw one, one time, that said the
		world was ending the next week.
				(MORE)

									90.


				CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
		Then in the next week's paper, they
		said we were miraculously saved at
		the zero hour by a Koala-fish
		mutant bird. Crazy shit.

				RANDAL
			(eyes the CUSTOMER, annoyed)
		So I'm no more responsible for my
		own decisions while I'm here at
		work than, say, the Death Squad
		soldiers in Bosnia?

				DANTE
		That's stretching it. You're not
		being asked to slay children or
		anything.

				RANDAL
		Not yet.
			(sips water)


				CUSTOMER
			(again with the interjections)
		And I remember this one time the
		damn paper said...

	RANDAL spits a mist of water at the customer, drenching him.
	The man reacts violently, attempting to grab RANDAL from
	over the counter. RANDAL makes no move, but remains untouched.
	DANTE plays block.

				CUSTOMER
		I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD!
		YOU FUCKING JERKOFF!

				DANTE
		Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean
		it! He was trying to get me.

				CUSTOMER
		Well, he missed!

				DANTE
		I know. I'm sorry. Let me refund
		your cigarette money, and we'll
		call it even.

									91.


				CUSTOMER
			(considerably calmer;
			takes money)
		This is the last time I ever come
		here.
			(to RANDAL)
		And if I ever see you again, I'm
		gonna break your fucking head open!

	The CUSTOMER leaves, wiping water from his face. RANDAL
	salutes him.

				DANTE
			(angrily)
		What the fuck did you do that for?

				RANDAL
		Two reasons: one, I hate when the
		people can't shut up about the
		stupid tabloid headlines.

				DANTE
		Jesus!

				RANDAL
		And two, to make a point: title
		does not dictate behavior.

				DANTE
		What?

				RANDAL
		If title dictated my behavior, as a
		clerk serving the public, I wouldn't
		be allowed to spit a mouthful of
		water at that guy. But I did, so my
		point is that people dictate their
		own behavior. Hence, even though
		I'm a clerk in this video store, I
		choose to go rent videos at Big
		Choice.
			(extends opened palm)
		Agreed?

				DANTE
			(shakes his head;
			hands over keys)
		You're a danger to both the dead
		and the living.

				RANDAL
		I like to think I'm a master of my
		own destiny.

									92.


				DANTE
		Please, get the hell out of here.

				RANDAL
		I know I'm your hero.

	RANDAL exits.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

	DANTE waits on a customer (TRAINER). He lifts the gallon of
	milk into a paper bag, letting out a slight grunt.

				TRAINER
		Sounds to me like somebody needs to
		hit the gym.

				DANTE
		Excuse me?

				TRAINER
		I heard you strain when you put the
		milk in the bag. That milk only
		weighs about seven pounds.

				DANTE
		I didn't strain. I sighed.

				TRAINER
		I don't think so. That was a grunt;
		a deep inhalation of oxygen to aid
		in the stretching of muscles. I'm a
		trainer. I know what that sound
		signifies: you're out of shape.

				DANTE
		I don't think so.

				TRAINER
		Oh, I do. You made the same noise
		when you reached across the counter
		for my cash. Your muscles are thin
		and sadly underutilized.

				DANTE
		They are not.

				TRAINER
		Yes, they are. You're out of shape.

									93.


				DANTE
		What are you talking about? There's
		no fat on this body.

				TRAINER
		No fat, but no tone either. You
		don't get enough exercise.

	A female customer (HEATHER) leans in the doorway.

				HEATHER
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yes.

				HEATHER
			(grabs a paper)
		Just the paper.

				DANTE
			(to HEATHER)
		Thirty-fire.

				TRAINER
			(to HEATHER)
		Let me ask you a question: Do you
		think this guy's out of shape?

				HEATHER
			(studies DANTE)
		I don't know. I can't really tell
		from here.

				TRAINER
		He is.

				DANTE
		I am not.

				TRAINER
		How much can you bench?

				DANTE
		I don't know.

				HEATHER
			(studying DANTE)
		I'd say about sixty, seventy-tops.

				DANTE
		I know I can bench more than that!

									94.


				TRAINER
		I think the lady called it.

				HEATHER
		My ex-boyfriend was about his
		height, but he was much bulkier. He
		could bench two-fifty, three
		hundred easy.

				TRAINER
		I do about three-fifty, four.

				HEATHER
		No way!

				TRAINER
			(rolling up sleeve)
		Feel that.

				HEATHER
		That's tight. Solid.

				TRAINER
		Now feel his.
			(to DANTE)
		Roll up your sleeve, chief.

				DANTE
		Oh for God's sake!

				TRAINER
		See? You're ashamed. You know
		you're out of shape. Take my card.
		I can help you tone that body up in
		no time. Get you on an aerobics and
		free-weights program.

	A SUITED MAN carrying a notebook comes to the counter.

				SUITED MAN
		You open?

				DANTE
			(to MAN)
		Yes.
			(to TRAINER)
		I'm not out of shape.

				SUITED MAN
		Excuse me, but have you been here
		all day?

				DANTE
		What?

									95.


				HEATHER
			(still studying DANTE)
		He's got those love handles.

				DANTE
			(to HEATHER)
		I don't have love handles.

				SUITED MAN
		Were you working here at about four
		o'clock?

				DANTE
		I've been here since six o'clock
		this morning. Why?

				TRAINER
			(to HEATHER)
		It's probably from being around all
		this food every day.

				HEATHER
		Oh, I know. If I had to work here
		all day, I'd be bloated and out of
		shape, too.

				DANTE
		I'm not out of shape!

				SUITED MAN
		Can I have your name please?

				DANTE
		Dante Hicks. Why? What is this about?

	The SUITED MAN scribbles in his notebook.

				HEATHER
		You're Dante Hicks? Oh my God! I
		didn't even recognize you!

				TRAINER
		Because he's out of shape.

				DANTE
		Do I know you?

				HEATHER
		You remember Alyssa Jones? She hung
		out with...

				DANTE
		Caitlin Bree. Yeah?

									96.


				HEATHER
		I'm her sister.

				DANTE
		You're Alyssa's sister? Heather?

				HEATHER
		Yep. I remember you got caught in
		my parents' room with Caitlin once.

				TRAINER
		Did you say Caitlin Bree?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				TRAINER
		Pretty girl, about this girl's
		height-dark hair-gorgeous body?

				DANTE
		Yeah?

				TRAINER
		And your name is Dante Hicks? You
		went to high school with her? You
		played hockey?

				DANTE
		How do you know that?

				TRAINER
		Oh man! Hey, you still going out
		with her?

				DANTE
		No, she's getting married.

				TRAINER
		To you?

				HEATHER
		To an Asian design major.

				TRAINER
		Shit!
			(to DANTE)
		Don't take this the wrong way, but
		I used to fuck her.

				DANTE
		What?

									97.


				TRAINER
		While you two were dating in high
		school. We're talking four, five
		years ago, back when I drove a
		Trans-Am.

				HEATHER
		Oh my God! You're Rick Derris?

				TRAINER
		Yeah!

				DANTE
		You know him?

				HEATHER
		Caitlin used to talk about him all
		the time.

				TRAINER
		Really?

				HEATHER
		Oh yeah. You were the built older
		guy with the black Trans and the
		big...

				DANTE
		Wait a second!
			(to TRAINER)
		You used to sleep with Caitlin Bree?
		While I was dating her?

				TRAINER
		All the time. That girl was like a
		rabbit.

				DANTE
		I...I don't believe this...

				HEATHER
			(to TRAINER)
		I still remember Caitlin telling us
		about that time you two went to
		that motel-the one with the mirrors
		and the hot tub in the room.

				DANTE
		THE GLADES MOTEL?

									98.


				TRAINER
		Holy shit! She told you about that!
			(to DANTE)
		Buddy of mine worked there. Said he
		watched the whole thing. They used
		to film people at that hotel;
		nobody knew about it.

				HEATHER
		She said one time you set up a tent
		on the beach and you guys did it in
		the middle of this big rainstorm.

				DANTE
		What? When? When did all this shit
		happen?

				TRAINER
		Hey man, that was a long time ago.
		Don't let it get to you.

				HEATHER
		I'm surprised you never found out
		about it, Dante. Everybody in
		school knew-even in my class.

				DANTE
		Jesus Christ, what next?

	The SUITED MAN rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and
	hands it to DANTE.

				SUITED MAN
		Here you go.

				DANTE
		What's this?

				SUITED MAN
		A fine, for five hundred dollars.

				DANTE
		WHAT?

				TRAINER
		Five hundred bucks? What for?

				SUITED MAN
		For violation of New Jersey Statute
		Section Two A, number one-seventy
		slash fifty-one: Any person who
		sells or makes available tobacco or
		tobacco-related products to persons
		under the age of eighteen is
		regarded as disorderly.

									99.


				DANTE
		What are you talking about?

				SUITED MAN
		According to the NJAC-the New
		Jersey Administrative Code, section
		eighteen, five, slash twelve point
		five-a fine of no less than two
		hundred and fifty dollars is to be
		leveled against any person reported
		selling cigarettes to a minor.

				DANTE
		I didn't do that!

				SUITED MAN
		You said you were here all day?

				DANTE
		Yeah, but I didn't sell cigarettes
		to any kids!

				SUITED MAN
		An angry mother called the state
		division of taxation and complained
		that the man working at Quick Stop
		Convenience sold her five-year-old
		daughter cigarettes today at around
		four o'clock. Division of taxation
		calls the State Board of Health,
		and they send me down here to issue
		a fine. You say you were working
		all day, hence the fine is yours.
		It's doubled due to the incredibly
		young age of the child.

				DANTE
		But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kid!

				TRAINER
		To a five-year-old kid? What a
		scumbag!

				HEATHER
		That's sick, Dante.

				DANTE
		I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kids! I swear!

									100.


				SUITED MAN
		The due date is on the bottom. This
		summons cannot be contested in any
		court of law. Failure to remit
		before the due date will result in
		a charge of criminal negligence,
		and a warrant will be issued for
		your arrest. Have a nice day.

	The SUITED MAN exits, with DANTE trying to follow.

				DANTE
		But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
		kids! Hey!

				TRAINER
			(takes back the card)
		Forget it. I don't want to deal
		with a guy that sells cigarettes to
		a five-year-old.
			(to HEATHER)
		Can I offer you a ride somewhere?

				HEATHER
		Sure. How about the beach?

				TRAINER
		I like the way you think.

	The two exit. DANTE, alone, studies his summons. He rubs his
	forehead.

				DANTE
		Jesus! What next?

				VOICE (O.C.)
		Dante?

	DANTE spins, angrily.

				DANTE
		What?

	His expression softens.

				DANTE
		Caitlin?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	JAY deals with a customer as SILENT BOB looks on.

									101.


				JAY
		That's the price, my brother.

				JOHN
		Yo, I don't have that kind of cash.

				JAY
		For this kind of hash, you need
		that kind of cash.

				JOHN
		How long you gonna be here?

				JAY
		Till ten. Then I'm going to John
		K's party.

				JOHN
		You're gonna be at John K's party?

				JAY
			(to SILENT BOB)
		My man is deaf.
			(yelling)
		I'M GOING TO JOHN K'S PARTY!
			(quieter)
		Neh.

				JOHN
		Yo, don't sell all that. 'Cause I'm
		gonna get the cash and buy it from
		you at John K's. You're gonna bring
		it, right?

				JAY
		The only place I don't bring my
		drugs is church. And that ain't
		till Sunday morning.

				JOHN
		Yo. I'll see you at that party.
			(puts his hand up to
			be slapped)
		I'll see you there?

				JAY
			(reluctantly slapping hands)
		I'll see you there.

	JOHN leaves. JAY turns to SILENT BOB.

									102.


				JAY
		It's motherfuckers like that who
		give recreational drug users a bag
		name.
			(suddenly spotting
			someone O.C.)
		HEY BABY! YOU EVER HAD YOUR ASSHOLE
		LICKED?

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE and CAITLIN are embracing very tightly. We hold on
	them for a few seconds, just to let it sink in. Then...

				DANTE
		When did you get back?

				CAITLIN
		Just now.

				DANTE
		My God. I haven't seen you since...
			(he hugs her again)


				CAITLIN
		Dante. You've got a customer.

	DANTE hops behind the counter. A customer pays for something
	while DANTE continues to talk.

				CAITLIN
		I just saw Alyssa's little sister
		outside. She was with Rick Derris.

				DANTE
		Let's not talk about that. How'd
		you get home?

				CAITLIN
		Train. It took eight hours.

				DANTE
		I can't believe you're here.

	Another customer comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Excuse me, do you have...

									103.


				DANTE
			(to CUSTOMER)
		To the back, above the oil.
			(to CAITLIN)
		How long are you staying?

				CAITLIN
		Until Monday. Then I have to take
		the train back.

	Yet another customer comes to the counter.

				CUSTOMER
		Pack of cigarettes.
			(to CAITLIN)
		Congratulations. I saw that
		announcement in today's paper.
			(to DANTE)
		She's marrying an Asian design major.

				DANTE
		So I'm told.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	JAY and SILENT BOB lean against the wall.

				JAY
		Man, it's fucking slow.

	SILENT BOB walks out of the frame, leaving JAY alone against
	the wall. He comes back a few seconds later, carrying a
	mini-Walkman with ten-watt speakers. He sets it down on the
	ground and turns it on. House music starts playing. Jay-
	possessed by the beat-breaks into an impromptu dance, in
	which he makes suggestive and often lewd moves. SILENT BOB
	leans against the wall.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	On counter.

				CAITLIN
		You're just going to lock the store
		like that?

				DANTE
		I want to talk to you about
		something, and I don't want to be
		disturbed.

									104.


				CAITLIN
		You saw it?

				DANTE
		Very dramatic, I thought.

				CAITLIN
		It's not what you think.

				DANTE
		What, it's worse? You're pregnant
		with an Asian design major's child?

				CAITLIN
		I'm not pregnant.

				DANTE
		Were you going to tell me or just
		send me an invitation?

				CAITLIN
		I was going to tell you. But then
		we were getting along so well, I
		didn't want to mess it up.

				DANTE
		You could've broke it to me gently,
		you know; at least started by
		telling me you had a boyfriend. I
		told you I have a girlfriend.

				CAITLIN
		I know, I'm sorry. But when we
		started talking...it's like I
		forgot I had a boyfriend. And then
		he proposed last month...

				DANTE
		And you said yes?

				CAITLIN
		Well...kind of, sort of?

				DANTE
		Is that what they teach you at that
		school of yours? Kind of, sort of?
		Everyone knows about this except me!
		Do you know how humiliating that is?

				CAITLIN
		I would've told you, and you would
		have stopped calling, like a baby.

									105.


				DANTE
		How do you know that?

				CAITLIN
		Because I know you. You prefer
		drastic measures to rational ones.

				DANTE
		So you're really getting married?

				CAITLIN
		No.

				DANTE
		No, you're not really getting
		married?

				CAITLIN
		The story goes like this: He
		proposed, and I told him I had to
		think about it, and he insisted I
		wear the ring anyway. Then my
		mother told the paper we were
		engaged.

				DANTE
		How like her.

				CAITLIN
		Then my mother called me this
		morning and told me the announcement
		was in the paper. That's when I
		hopped the train to come back here,
		because I knew you'd be a wreck.

				DANTE
		Thanks for the vote of confidence.

				CAITLIN
		Was I right?

				DANTE
		Wreck is a harsh term. Disturbed is
		more like it. Mildly disturbed even.

				CAITLIN
		I love a macho façade. It's such a
		turn-on.
			(sniffing air)
		What smells like shoe polish?

				DANTE
		And you came here to what? To
		comfort me?

									106.


				CAITLIN
		The last thing I needed was for you
		to think I was hiding something
		from you.

				DANTE
		But you were.

				CAITLIN
		No, I wasn't. Not really. I told
		you'd I'd been seeing other people.

				DANTE
		Yeah, but not seriously. Christ,
		you're ready to walk down the
		aisle-I'd say that constitutes
		something more than just seeing
		somebody.

				CAITLIN
		I'm giving him his ring back.

				DANTE
		What?

				CAITLIN
		I don't want to marry him. I don't
		want to get married now. I'm on the
		verge of graduation. I want to go
		to grad school after this. And then
		I want to start a career. I don't
		want to be a wife first, and then
		have to worry about when I'' going
		to fit in all of the other stuff.
		I've come way too far and studied
		too hard to let my education go to
		waste as a housewife. And I know
		that's what I'd become. Sang's
		already signed with a major firm,
		and he's going to be pulling a huge
		salary, which would give me no
		reason to work, and he's so
		traditional anyway...

				DANTE
		Sang? His name is a past tense?

				CAITLIN
		Stop it. He's a nice guy.

				DANTE
		If he's so nice, why aren't you
		going to marry him?

									107.


				CAITLIN
		I just told you.

				DANTE
		There's more, isn't there?

				CAITLIN
		Why, Mr. Hicks-whatever do you mean?

				DANTE
		Tell me I don't have something to
		do with it.

				CAITLIN
		You don't have anything to do with
		it.

				DANTE
		You lie.

				CAITLIN
		Look how full of yourself you are.

				DANTE
		I just believe in giving credit
		where credit is due. And I believe
		that I'm the impetus behind your
		failure to wed.

				CAITLIN
		If I'm so nuts about you, then why
		am I having sex with an Asian
		design major?

				DANTE
		Jesus, you're caustic.

				CAITLIN
		I had to bring you down from that
		cloud you were floating on. When I
		say I don't want to get married, I
		mean just that. I don't want to
		marry anybody. Not for years.

				DANTE
		So who's asking? I don't want to
		marry you.

				CAITLIN
		Good. Stay in that frame of mind.

				DANTE
		Buy can we date?

									108.


				CAITLIN
		I'm sure Sang and-Veronica?-would
		like that.

				DANTE
		We could introduce them. They might
		hit it off.

				CAITLIN
		You're serious. You want to date
		again.

				DANTE
		I would like to be your boyfriend,
		yes.

				CAITLIN
		It's just the shock of seeing me
		after three years. Believe me,
		you'll get over it.

				DANTE
		Give me a bit more credit. I think
		it's time we got back together, you
		know. I'm more mature, you're more
		mature, you're finishing college,
		I'm already in the job market...

				CAITLIN
		You work in a market, all right.

				DANTE
		Cute. Tell me you wouldn't want to
		go out again. After all the talking
		we've been doing.

				CAITLIN
		The key word here is talk, Dante. I
		think the idea, the conception of
		us dating is more idyllic than what
		actually happens when we date.

				DANTE
		So...what? So we should just make
		pretend over the phone that we're
		dating?

				CAITLIN
		I don't know. Maybe we should just
		see what happens.

				DANTE
		Let me take you out tonight.

									109.


				CAITLIN
		You mean, on a date?

				DANTE
		Yes. A real date. Dinner and a movie.

				CAITLIN
		The Dante Hicks Dinner and a Movie
		Date. I think I've been on that one
		before.

				DANTE
		You have a better suggestion?

				CAITLIN
		How about the Caitlin Bree Walk on
		the Boardwalk, Then Get Naked
		Somewhere Kind of Private Date?

				DANTE
		I hear that's a rather popular date.

				CAITLIN
			(hits him)
		Jerk. Here I am, throwing myself at
		you, succumbing to your wily
		charms, and you call me a slut, in
		so many words.

				DANTE
		What about Sing?

				CAITLIN
		Sang.

				DANTE
		Sang.

				CAITLIN
		He's not invited.

				DANTE
		He's your fiancé.

				CAITLIN
		I offer you my body and you offer
		me semantics? He's just a boyfriend,
		Dante, and in case you haven't
		gotten the drift of why I came all
		the way here from Ohio, I'm about
		to become single again.
				(MORE)

									110.


				CAITLIN (CONT'D)
		And yes-let me placate your ego-you
		are the inspiration for this bold
		and momentous decision, for which
		I'll probably be ostracized at both
		school and home. You ask me who I
		choose, I choose you.

				DANTE
		So what are you saying?

				CAITLIN
		You're such an asshole.

				DANTE
		I'm just kidding.

				CAITLIN
		I can already tell this isn't going
		to work.

				DANTE
		I'll ask Randal to close up for me-
		when he gets back.

				CAITLIN
		Where'd he go? I'd have thought
		he'd be at your side, like an
		obedient lapdog.

				DANTE
		He went to rent a movie, but he
		hasn't gotten back yet. Ah, screw
		it; I'll just lock the store up and
		leave him a note.

				CAITLIN
		You're too responsible. But no. I
		have to go home first. They don't
		even know I left school. And I
		should break the disengagement news
		to my mother, which is going to
		cause quite a row, considering she
		loves Sang.

				DANTE
		Who doesn't?

				CAITLIN
		Well, me I guess.
			(gathering herself to go)
		So, I shall take my leave of you,
		but I will return in a little
		while, at which time-yes-I would
		love to go for dinner and a movie
		with you.

									111.


				DANTE
		What happened to the walk and the
		nakedness?

				CAITLIN
		I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.
			(she kisses his cheek)
		See you later, handsome.

	DANTE watches her leave. He then explodes in jubilance.

				DANTE
		YES!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE looks ahead, dreamily, half-spinning in his chair.
	RANDAL enters carrying videos.

				RANDAL
		Get to work.

				DANTE
			(takes videos)
		What'd you rent?
			(reads)
		Best of Both Worlds?

				RANDAL
		Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with
		both organs. You should see the
		box: Beautiful women with dicks
		that put mine to shame.

				DANTE
		And this is what you rented?

				RANDAL
		I like to expand my horizons.

				DANTE
		I got fined for selling cigarettes
		to a minor.

				RANDAL
		No way!

				DANTE
		Five hundred dollars.

				RANDAL
		You're bullshitting.

									112.


	DANTE hands him the summons. RANDAL reads it.

				RANDAL
		I didn't think they even enforced
		this.

				DANTE
			(points to himself)
		Living proof.

				RANDAL
		I thought you never sold cigarettes
		to kids.

				DANTE
		I don't; you did.

				RANDAL
			(pause)
		Really?

				DANTE
		Little girl. Maybe five years old?

				RANDAL
			(taken aback)
		Holy shit. That girl?

				DANTE
		As opposed to the hundreds of other
		children you let buy cigarettes
		whenever you work here.

				RANDAL
		Then how come you got the fine?

				DANTE
		Because I'm here.

				RANDAL
			(incredulous)
		You're lying.

				DANTE
		I swear. I couldn't make this kind
		of hell up.

				RANDAL
		Then why aren't you like screaming
		at me right now?

				DANTE
		Because I'm happy.

									113.


				RANDAL
		You're happy?

				DANTE
		I'm happy.

				RANDAL
		You're happy to get a fine?

				DANTE
		No. I'm happy because Caitlin came
		to see me.

				RANDAL
		Now I know you're lying.

				DANTE
		I'm not. She just left.

				RANDAL
		What did she say?

				DANTE
		She's not going to marry that guy.
		She went home to tell her mother.

				RANDAL
		You're kidding.

				DANTE
		I'm not.

				RANDAL
			(takes it in for a moment)
		Wow. You've had quite an evening.

				DANTE
		She went home, she's getting ready,
		and we're going out.

				RANDAL
		I feel so ineffectual. Is there
		anything I can do for you?

				DANTE
		Watch the store while I go home and
		change.

				RANDAL
		What happened to title dictates
		behavior?

									114.


				DANTE
		This is my way of spitting water at
		life.

				RANDAL
			(suddenly aware)
		Hey, what about Veronica?

				DANTE
		No! Don't bring it up. I don't want
		to think about that now. Let me
		enjoy this hour of bliss. I'll
		think about all of that later. In
		the meantime, nobody mentions the V
		word.

				RANDAL
		You're a snake.

				DANTE
		In my absence, try not to sell
		cigarettes to any newborns.

				RANDAL
		You want me to bring the VCR over
		here so we can watch this?

				DANTE
		I might be leaving early to go out
		with Caitlin, in which case you'll
		have to close the store tonight.

				RANDAL
		All right, but you're missing out.
		Chicks with dicks.

				DANTE
			(puts cats on counter)
		I'll read the book.

	DANTE exits. A CUSTOMER comes back to the counter. He pets
	the cat.

				CUSTOMER
		Cute cat. What's his name.

				RANDAL
		Peptic ulcer.

						CUT TO:

									115.


	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	JAY and SILENT BOB watch as DANTE passes. A small group of
	burners are poised around the store door. JAY carefully
	writes on a large piece of paper, using a thick marker.
	SILENT BOB hands him the scissors. JAY slowly cuts the large
	piece of paper. SILENT BOB hands him the tape. JAY snaps off
	a few pieces, and plasters the sign to the convenience store
	door. It is a large word balloon, and it reads I EAT COCK!
	Once in place, he raps on the window. RANDAL looks out, his
	face adjacent to the word balloon, making it appear as if he
	is saying he eats cock. The small group laughs hysterically.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	CAITLIN enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is watching
	his porno. The porno is loud and lewd. CAITLIN stares.

				CAITLIN
		Randal Graves-scourge of the video
		renter.

				RANDAL
		Ladies and gentleman, Mrs. Asian
		Design Major herself: Caitlin Bree!

				CAITLIN
		You saw that article? God, isn't it
		awful? My mother sent that in.

				RANDAL
		I take it she likes the guy.

				CAITLIN
		You'd think she was marrying him.
		What are you watching?

				RANDAL
		Children's programming. What did
		your mom say when you told her you
		weren't engaged anymore?

				CAITLIN
		She said not to come home until
		graduation.

				RANDAL
		Wow, you got thrown out? For Dante?

				CAITLIN
		What can I say? He does weird
		things to me.

									116.


				RANDAL
		Can I watch?

				CAITLIN
		You can hold me down.

				RANDAL
		Can I join in?

				CAITLIN
		You might be let down. I'm not a
		hermaphrodite.

				RANDAL
		Few are. So what makes you think
		you can maintain a relationship
		with Dante this time around?

				CAITLIN
		A woman's intuition. Something in
		me says it's time to give the old
		boy a serious try.

				RANDAL
		Wow. Hey, I was just about to order
		some dinner. You eat Chinese, right?

				CAITLIN
		Dick.

				RANDAL
		Exactly.

				CAITLIN
		So where is he?

				RANDAL
		He went home to change for the big
		date.

				CAITLIN
		God, isn't he great?

				RANDAL
			(indicating TV)
		No, this is great.

				CAITLIN
		Can I use the bathroom?

				RANDAL
		There's no light back there.

									117.


				CAITLIN
		Why aren't there any lights?

				RANDAL
		Well, there are, but for some
		reason they stop working at five-
		fourteen every night.

				CAITLIN
		You're kidding.

				RANDAL
		Nobody can figure it out. And the
		boss doesn't want to pay the
		electrician to fix it, because the
		electrician owes money to the video
		store.

				CAITLIN
		Such a sordid state of affair.

				RANDAL
		And I'm caught in the middle-torn
		between my loyalty for the boss,
		and my desire to piss with the
		light on.

				CAITLIN
		I'll try to manage.

	She heads toward the back.

				RANDAL
		Hey Caitlin...
			(cautionary)
		Break his heart again this time,
		and I'll kill you. Nothing personal.

				CAITLIN
		You're very protective of him,
		Randal. You always have been.

				RANDAL
		Territoriality. He was mine first.

				CAITLIN
			(rubs his head)
		Awww. That was so cute.

	She kisses his forehead and walks away. The MOTHER and SMALL
	CHILD (Happy Scrappy) come to the counter.

									118.


				MOTHER
			(oblivious of the TV)
		A pack of cigarettes.

	The SMALL CHILD points at the TV screen.

				SMALL CHILD
		Cunt!

						CUT TO:

	EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL studies the I EAT COCK word balloon. DANTE enters.

				DANTE
		Who eats cock?

				RANDAL
		Bunch of savages in this town.
			(recalling)
		Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You
		might want to see if she's okay;
		she's been back there a long time.

				DANTE
		There's no lights back there.

				RANDAL
		I told her that. She said she
		didn't need any. Why don't you join
		her, man. Make a little bathroom
		bam-bam.

				DANTE
		I love your sexy talk. It's
		so...kindergarten: Poo-poo; wee-wee.

				RANDAL
		Fuck you.

	The cooler down is heard opening. CAITLIN walks lazily down
	the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied. DANTE
	and RANDAL regard her curiously. She joins them, latching on
	to DANTE's arm, lovingly.

				CAITLIN
		How'd you get here so fast?

				DANTE
		I left like an hour ago.

									119.


				CAITLIN
			(regards him curiously)
		Do you always talk weird after you
		violate women?

	RANDAL and DANTE stare at CAITLIN, confused.

				RANDAL
		Maybe the Asian design major
		slipped her some opium?

				DANTE
		Could be.

				CAITLIN
			(hugging DANTE)
		Promise me it'll always be like that.

				DANTE
		Like what?

				CAITLIN
		When you just lie perfectly still
		and let me do everything.

				DANTE
		Um...okay.

				RANDAL
		Am I missing something here?

				CAITLIN
		I went back there, and Dante was
		already waiting for me.

				RANDAL
		He was?

				CAITLIN
		It was so cool. He didn't say a
		word. He was just...ready, you know?
		And we didn't kiss or talk or
		anything. He just sat there and let
		me do all the work.

				RANDAL
			(to DANTE)
		You dog! I didn't see you go back
		there.

	DANTE is bewildered.

									120.


				CAITLIN
		And the fact that there weren't any
		lights made it so...
			(she lets out a growl
			and hugs DANTE)
		God! That was so great!

				DANTE
			(quietly)
		It wasn't me.

				CAITLIN
			(laughing it off)
		Yeah, right. Who was it: Randal?

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Was it you?

				RANDAL
		I was here the whole time.

				CAITLIN
			(half-laughing)
		You two better quit it.

				DANTE
		I'm serious.

				CAITLIN
			(beat)
		We didn't just have sex in the
		bathroom?

				DANTE
		No.

	Everyone is silent. Then...

				CAITLIN
		Stop this. This isn't funny.

				DANTE
		I'm not kidding. I just got back
		from outside.

				CAITLIN
			(covering her chest)
		This isn't fucking funny, Dante!

				DANTE
		I'm not fooling around!
			(to RANDAL)
		Who went back there?

									121.


				RANDAL
		Nobody! I swear!

				CAITLIN
		I feel nauseous.

				DANTE
		Are you sure somebody was back there?

				CAITLIN
			(hits DANTE)
		I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus,
		I'm going to be sick!

				RANDAL
		You just fucked a total stranger?

				DANTE
		Shut the fuck up!

				CAITLIN
		I can't believe this! I feel faint...

				DANTE
			(to RANDAL)
		Call the police.

				RANDAL
		Why?

				CAITLIN
		No, don't!

				DANTE
		There's a strange man in our
		bathroom, and he just raped Caitlin!

				CAITLIN
			(weakly)
		Oh God...

				RANDAL
		She said she did all the work.

				DANTE
		WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?
			(pause)
		WHO THE FUCK IS IN THE BATHROOM?

						CUT TO:

									122.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. LATER

	THE OLD MAN'S FACE is serene, almost happy, as he lies on a
	stretcher. (Same OLD MAN who took a porn mag to the bathroom.)

				CORONER (O.C.)
		Who is he?

	The body bag zipper is pulled closed. DANTE, the CORONER,
	and RANDAL stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The
	CORONER takes notes.

				DANTE
		I don't know. He just came in and
		asked to use the bathroom.

				CORONER
		What time was this?

				DANTE
		Um...I don't know.
			(to RANDAL)
		What time did hockey end?

				RANDAL
		Around three or something.

				DANTE
		What time did we go to the funeral?

				RANDAL
		I think four.

				CORONER
		Wait a second? Who was working here
		today?

				DANTE
		Just me.

				CORONER
		I thought you just said you played
		hockey and went to a funeral.

				DANTE
		We did.

				CORONER
		Then who operated the store?

				DANTE
		Nobody. It was closed.

									123.


				CORONER
		With this guy locked in?

				DANTE
		Everything happened at once. I
		guess I forgot he was back there.

	Ambulance attendants join them.

				ATTENDANT 1
		Can we take this now?

				CORONER
		Go ahead.

	The stretcher is wheeled out. Midway down the body bag,
	something protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection.
	RANDAL stares at it.

				DANTE
		Was he alive when...Caitlin...

				CORONER
		No. I place the time of death at
		about three-twenty.

				RANDAL
		Then how could she...you know...

				CORONER
		The body can maintain an erection
		after expiration. Sometimes for
		hours. Did he have the adult
		magazine when he came in?

				DANTE
		No. I gave it to him.

	RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.

				DANTE
		Well he asked me for it!

				CORONER
			(continuing)
		I can't say for certain until we
		get him back to the lab, but my
		guess is he was masturbating, his
		heart seized and he died. That's
		when the girl found him.
			(sniffing the air)
		Something smells like shoe polish.

									124.


				RANDAL
			(to CORONER)
		This has gotta be the weirdest
		thing you've ever been called in on.

				CORONER
			(writing)
		Actually, I once had to tag a kid
		that broke his neck trying to put
		his mouth on his penis.

	RANDAL looks down, anonymously.

				DANTE
		What about Caitlin?

				CORONER
		Shock trauma. She's going to need
		years of therapy after this. My
		question is, How did she come to
		have sex with the dead man?

				DANTE
		She thought it was me.

	The CORONER stares at DANTE.

				CORONER
		What kind of convenience store do
		you run here?

	He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.

				RANDAL
			(beat)
		Do you think he was talking about
		my cousin?

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	CAITLIN sits in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped
	over her shoulders. An attendant takes her blood pressure.
	The doors are closed and the vehicle speeds away. JAY and
	SILENT BOB lean against the wall. JAY eats sugar out of a box.

				JAY
		I knew one of those motherfuckers
		was gonna kill somebody one day.

						CUT TO:

									125.


	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	A jar of salsa is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the
	condiment, the corn chip resembles a surfacing shark fin.
	Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life-swimming menacingly
	to and fro across the jar.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
			(mumbling Jaws theme)
		Da-dum! Da-dum! Da-dum! DA-DUM! DA-
		DUM! DA-DUM!

	DANTE and RANDAL are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes this
	chip around the jar of salsa. DANTE stares up at the ceiling,
	oblivious.

				RANDAL
		Salsa shark.

	DANTE says nothing.

				RANDAL
			(as Brody)
		"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

	DANTE says even less than nothing.

				RANDAL
			(as Quint)
		"Man goes into the cage; cage goes
		into the salsa; shark's in the
		salsa; our shark."

	DANTE...you know.

				RANDAL
			(angry)
		What? What's with you? You haven't
		said anything for like twenty
		minutes. What the hell is your
		problem?

				DANTE
		This life.

				RANDAL
		This life?

				DANTE
		Why do I have this life?

				RANDAL
		Have some chips; you'll feel better.

									126.


				DANTE
		I'm stuck in this pit, earning less
		than slave wages, working on my day
		off, dealing with every backward
		fuck on the planet, the goddam
		steel shutters are locked all day,
		I smell like shoe polish, I've got
		an ex-girlfriend who's catatonic
		after fucking a dead guy, and my
		present girlfriend has sucked
		thirty-six dicks.

				RANDAL
		Thirty-seven.

				DANTE
		My life is in the shitter right
		about now, so if you don't mind,
		I'd like to stew a bit.

				CUSTOMER (O.C.)
		You open?

				RANDAL
		Yeah.

	RANDAL hops off the freezer case and steps O.C.

				RANDAL (O.C.)
		That's all bullshit. You know what
		the real problem here is?

				DANTE
		I was born.

	RANDAL comes back.

				RANDAL
		You should shit or get off the pot.

				DANTE
		I should shit or get off the pot.

				RANDAL
		Yeah, you should shit or get off
		the pot.

				DANTE
		What are you talking about?

				RANDAL
		I'm talking about this thing you
		have...this inability to improve
		your situation in life.

									127.


				DANTE
		Fuck you.

				RANDAL
		It's true. You'll sit there and
		blame life for dealing a cruddy
		hand, never once accepting the
		responsibility for the way your
		situation is.

				DANTE
		What responsibility?

				RANDAL
		All right, if you hate this job and
		the people, and the fact that you
		have to come in on your day off,
		then quit.

				DANTE
		As if it's that easy.

				RANDAL
		It is. You just up and quit. There
		are other jobs, and they pay better
		money. You're bound to be qualified
		for at least one of them. So what's
		stopping you?

				DANTE
		Leave me alone.

				RANDAL
		You're comfortable. This is a life
		of convenience for you, and any
		attempt to change it would shatter
		the pathetic microcosm you've
		fashioned for yourself.

				DANTE
		Oh, like your life's any better?

				RANDAL
		I'm satisfied with my situation for
		now. You don't hear me bitching.
		You, on the other hand, have been
		bitching all day.

				DANTE
		Thank you. Why don't you go back to
		the video store?

				RANDAL
		It's the same thing with Veronica.

									128.


				DANTE
		Leave her out of this.

				RANDAL
		You date Veronica because she's low
		maintenance and because it's
		convenient. Meanwhile, all you ever
		do is talk about Caitlin. You carry
		a torch for a girl you dated in
		high school-in high school for
		God's sake! You're twenty-two!

				DANTE
		Leave me alone.

				RANDAL
		If you want Caitlin, then face
		Veronica, tell her, and be with
		Caitlin. If you want Veronica, be
		with Veronica. But don't pine for
		one and fuck the other. Man, if you
		weren't such a fucking coward...

				DANTE
		...If I wasn't such a fucking
		coward.
			(chuckles)
		It must be so great to be able to
		simplify everything the way you do.

				RANDAL
		Am I right or what?

				DANTE
		You're wrong. Things happened
		today, okay? Things that probably
		ruined my chances with Caitlin.

				RANDAL
		What? The dead guy? She'll get over
		fucking the dead guy. Shit, my
		mom's been fucking a dead guy for
		thirty years; I call him Dad.

				DANTE
		Caitlin and I can't be together.
		It's impossible.

				RANDAL
		Melodrama coming from you seems
		about as natural as an oral bowel
		movement.

									129.


				DANTE
		What do you want me to say? Yes, I
		suppose some of the things you're
		saying may be true. But that's the
		way things are; it's not going to
		change.

				RANDAL
		Make them change.

				DANTE
		I can't, all right! Jesus, would
		you leave me alone? I can't make
		changes like that in my life. If I
		could, I would-but I don't have the
		ability to risk comfortable
		situations on the big money and the
		fabulous prizes.

				RANDAL
		Who're you kidding? You can so.

				DANTE
		Jesus H. Christ, I can't!

				RANDAL
		So you'll continue being miserable
		all the time, just because you
		don't have the guts to face change?

				DANTE
			(sadly)
		My mother told me once that when I
		as three, my potty lid was closed,
		and instead of lifting it, I chose
		to shit my pants.

				RANDAL
		Lovely story.

				DANTE
		Point is-I'm not the kind of person
		that disrupts things in order to
		shit comfortably.

	DANTE crosses O.C. RANDAL appears contemplative.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE repairs ripped dollar bills, taping them back together.
	JAY enters with SILENT BOB and claps his hands.

									130.


				JAY
			(singing)
		Noinch, noinch, noinch-smoking
		weed, smoking weed! Doing coke!
		Drinking beers!
			(to DANTE)
		A pack of wraps, my good man. It's
		time to kick back, drink some
		beers, and smoke some weed!

				DANTE
		Done poisoning the youth for the day?

				JAY
		Hell yes, whatever that means. Now
		I'm gonna head over to Atlantic,
		drink some beers, get ripped, and-
		please God-get laid.
			(pulls out money)
		E-Z Wider, one-and-a-halfs.

				DANTE
		One seventy-nine.

				JAY
			(to SILENT BOB)
		Pay the good man.
			(to DANTE)
		Don't you close soon?

				DANTE
		A half hour.

				JAY
		We get off about the same time
		every night. We should hang out.
		You get high?

				DANTE
		I should start.

				JAY
		Wanna come to this party tonight?
		There's gonna be some pussy there,
		man!

				DANTE
		With you? I don't think so.

				JAY
		Listen to you. Oh shit. "Oh, I
		don't hang out with drug dealers."

									131.


				DANTE
		Nothing personal.

	SILENT BOB hands weed to JAY.

				JAY
		I work, just like you. You're more
		of a crook than I am, dude.

				DANTE
		How do you figure...HEY! You can't
		roll a joint in here!

				JAY
			(rolling a joint)
		Relax brother. What I mean is that
		you sell the stuff in this store at
		the highest prices around. A dollar
		seventy-nine for wraps-what's that
		shit?

				DANTE
		It's not my store.

				JAY
		And these aren't my drugs-I just
		sell them.

				DANTE
		The difference is you exploit a
		weakness.

				JAY
		What's that mean?

				DANTE
		You sell to people that can't stay
		away from an addiction.

				JAY
		All right. How much is Pepsi here?

				DANTE
		A dollar sixty-nine, plus tax.

				JAY
		At Food City it's ninety-nine
		cents, plus tax.

				DANTE
		So.

									132.


				JAY
		So why do you sell it for so much
		more? I'll tell you why-because
		people come here and they're like
		"A dollar eighty for soda? I should
		get it at Food City. But I don't
		feel like driving there. I'll just
		buy it here so I don't have to
		drive up there." That's exploiting
		a weakness, too, isn't it?

				DANTE
		I can't believe you just rolled a
		joint in here.

				JAY
		Hey, man, what happened with that
		old guy?

				DANTE
		He died in the bathroom.

				JAY
		That's fucked up. Yo, I heard he
		was jerkin' off.

				DANTE
		I don't know. I wasn't watching.

				JAY
		Probably saw that Caitlin chick. I
		know I felt like beatin' it when I
		saw her.
			(pantomimes sex)
		Come here, bitch! You like this? Is
		this what you want? Hunhh?

				DANTE
		Knock it off. That used to be my
		girlfriend.

				JAY
		You used to go out with her?

				DANTE
		We were going to start again, I
		think.

				JAY
		Don't you already have a girlfriend?

				DANTE
		Veronica.

									133.


				JAY
		Is she that girl who's down here
		all the time? She came here today
		carrying a plate of food.

				DANTE
		Lasagne.

				JAY
		And what-you were gonna dump her to
		date that Caitlin chick?

				DANTE
		Maybe.

				JAY
		I don't know dude. That Caitlin
		chick's nice. But I see that
		Veronica girl doing shit for you
		all the time. She brings you food,
		she rubs your back...Didn't I see
		her change your tire one day?

				DANTE
		I jacked the car up. All she did
		was loosen the nuts and put the
		tire on.

				JAY
		Damn. She sure goes out of her way.

				DANTE
		She's my girlfriend.

				JAY
		I've had girlfriends, but all they
		wanted from me was weed and shit.
			(beat)
		Shit, my grandma used to say,
		"Which is better: a good plate with
		nothing on it..." No, wait. I
		fucked up. She said "What's a good-
		looking plate with nothing on it?"

				DANTE
		Meaning?

				JAY
		I don't know. She was senile and
		shit. Used to piss herself all the
		time. C'mon Silent Bob.

	Exit JAY. SILENT BOB stands there.

									134.


				SILENT BOB
		You know, there's a million fine-
		looking women in the world, but
		they don't all bring you lasagne at
		work. Most of them just cheat on you.

	SILENT BOB leaves. DANTE shuts his eyes tightly and rubs the
	bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as if in
	deep concentration. He suddenly snaps his eyes open.

				DANTE
			(nearly surprised)
		He's right. I love her.

						CUT TO:

	INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL has a heart-to-heart with VERONICA.

				RANDAL
		So that's it. He doesn't love you
		anymore. He loves Caitlin.

	VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.

				VERONICA
		And...he told you all of this?

				RANDAL
		Pretty much. All except the latent
		homosexuality part-that's just my
		theory.

				VERONICA
		I...I don't know what to say.

				RANDAL
		Don't hold it against him. He just
		never got Caitlin out of his system.
		It's not your fault. It's Dante.
			(beat)
		I don't know thing one about chicks.
		Do you want to cry or something? I
		can leave.

				VERONICA
		I'm not sad.

				RANDAL
		You're not?

									135.


				VERONICA
		No, I'm more furious. I'm pissed
		off. I feel like he's been killing
		time while he tries to grow the
		balls to tell me how he really
		feels, and then he can't even do it!
		He has his friend do it for him!

				RANDAL
		He didn't ask me to...

				VERONICA
		After all that I've done for that
		fuck! And he wants to be with that
		slut? Fine! He can have his slut!

				RANDAL
		Um, do you think you can give me a
		lift home tonight?

				VERONICA
			(oblivious of RANDAL)
		I'm going to have a word with that
		asshole.

	VERONICA storms out.

				RANDAL
		Wait! Veronica...I don't think...

	RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.

				RANDAL
			(to customer)
		What am I worried about? He'll
		probably be glad I started the ball
		rolling. All he ever did was
		complain about her anyway. I'm just
		looking out for his best interests.
		I mean, that's what a friend does,
		am I right? I did him a favor.

				CUSTOMER
			(sees box on counter)
		Oooh! Navy Seals!

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	DANTE is on the ground holding his knee. VERONICA stands
	above him.

									136.


				DANTE
		What the fuck did you do that for?

				VERONICA
		If you didn't want to go out with
		me anymore, why didn't you just say
		it? Instead, you pussyfoot around
		and see that slut behind my back!

				DANTE
		What're you talking about?

				VERONICA
			(kicks him)
		You've been talking to her on the
		phone for weeks!

				DANTE
		It was only a few times...

				VERONICA
		And then you pull that shit this
		morning, freaking out because I've
		gone down on a couple guys!

				DANTE
		A couple...?

				VERONICA
			(throws purse at him)
		I'm not the one trying to patch
		things up with my ex, sneaking
		around behind your back! And if you
		think that thirty-seven dicks are a
		lot, then just wait, mister: I'm
		going to put the hookers in Times
		Square to shame with all the guys I
		go down on now!

				DANTE
		Would you let me explain...

				VERONICA
		Explain what? How you were waiting
		until the time was right, and then
		you were going to dump me for her?

				DANTE
			(getting up)
		Veronica...I...it's not like that
		anymore...I mean, it was never
		really like that...

									137.


	VERONICA kicks him in the other leg. DANTE goes down,
	yelling in pain.

				VERONICA
		You're damn right it's not like
		that! Because I won't let it be
		like that! You want your slut? Fine!
		The slut is yours!

				DANTE
		I don't want Caitlin...

				VERONICA
		You don't know what you want, but
		I'm not going to sit here anymore
		holding your hand until you figure
		it out! I've encouraged you to get
		out of this fucking dump and go
		back to school, to take charge of
		your life and find direction. I
		even transferred so maybe you would
		be more inclined to go back to
		college if I was with you. Everyone
		said it was a stupid move, but I
		didn't care because I loved you and
		wanted to see you pull yourself out
		of this senseless funk you've been
		in since that whore dumped you, oh
		so many years ago. And now you want
		to go back to her so she can fuck
		you over some more?

				DANTE
		I don't want to go back with her...

				VERONICA
		Of course not; not now! You're
		caught, and now you're trying to
		snake out of doing what you wanted
		to do. Well, I won't let you. I
		want you to follow through on this,
		just so you can find out what a
		fucking idiot you are. And when she
		dumps you again-and she will,
		Dante, I promise you that-when she
		dumps you again, I want to laugh at
		you, right in your face, just so
		you realize that that was what you
		gave up our relationship for!
			(grabs her purse)
		I'm just glad Randal had the balls
		to tell me, since you couldn't.

									138.


				DANTE
			(weakly)
		Randal...?

				VERONICA
		And having him tell me...that was
		just the weakest move ever. You're
		spineless.

				DANTE
		Veronica, I love you...

				VERONICA
		Fuck you.

	VERONICA exits. DANTE lies on the floor alone.

						CUT TO:

	EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

	RANDAL exits and locks the door behind him.

						CUT TO:

	INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

	Tight on RANDAL'S face as he steps inside.

				RANDAL
		Dante?

	Hands clasp around his throat and yank him out of the frame.
	DANTE throttles RANDAL, choking him to the ground. RANDAL
	throws his fists into DANTE'S midriff, throwing him back
	into the magazine rack. RANDAL jumps to his feet as DANTE
	comes at him again. RANDAL tumbles into the cakes as
	Entenman's products scatter beneath and around him. He grabs
	a pound cake and hits DANTE in the head with it, using the
	opportunity to scurry down the middle aisle. DANTE leaps at
	his feet, and RANDAL grabs the shelves, knocking aspirin
	over until RANDAL-shrieking-sprays something in DANTE'S face.
	DANTE paws at his eyes. RANDAL grabs Italian bread and
	smacks it into DANTE'S face as he rushes him blindly. DANTE
	chases him out of the frame. M&M's scatter wildly across the
	empty floor, and the ruckus is heard O.C.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE and RANDAL later, out of breath, on the floor. RANDAL
	sits up against the candy rack, rubbing his neck. DANTE lies
	on the floor, bacon held against a sort of crushed cookies,
	ripped-open candies, broken bread, and other damaged goods.

									139.


				RANDAL
		How's your eye?

				DANTE
			(reluctantly)
		The swelling's not so bad. But the
		FDS stings.
			(then)
		How's your neck?

				RANDAL
		It's hard to swallow.

	They are both silent. Then...

				RANDAL
		You didn't have to choke me.

				DANTE
		Why the fuck did you tell Veronica
		that I was going to dump her for
		Caitlin?

				RANDAL
		I thought I was doing you a favor.

				DANTE
		Thanks.

				RANDAL
		You were saying how you couldn't
		initiate change yourself, so I
		figured I'd help you out.

				DANTE
		Jesus.

	Silence. Then...

				RANDAL
		You still didn't have to choke me.

				DANTE
		Oh please! I'm surprised I didn't
		kill you.

				RANDAL
		Why do you say that?

				DANTE
		Why do I say that? Randal...forget
		it.

									140.


				RANDAL
		No, really. What did I do that was
		so wrong?

				DANTE
		What don't you do? Randal, sometimes
		it seems like the only reason you
		come to work is to make my life
		miserable.

				RANDAL
		How do you figure?

				DANTE
		What time did you get to work today?

				RANDAL
		Like ten after.

				DANTE
		You were over half an hour late.
		Then all you do is come over here.

				RANDAL
		To talk to you.

				DANTE
		Which means the video store is
		ostensibly closed.

				RANDAL
		It's not like I'm miles away.

				DANTE
		Unless you're out renting videos at
		other video stores.

				RANDAL
		Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we
		could watch it together!

				DANTE
		You get my slapped with a fine, you
		fight with the customers and I have
		to patch everything up. You get us
		chased out of a funeral by violating
		a corpse. To top it all off, you
		ruin my relationship. What's your
		encore? Do you anally rape my
		mother while pouring sugar in my
		gas tank?
				(MORE)

									141.


				DANTE (CONT'D)
			(sighs)
		You know what the real tragedy is?
		I'm not even supposed to be here
		today!

				RANDAL
			(suddenly outraged)
		Fuck you. Fuck you, pal. Listen to
		you trying to pass the buck again.
		I'm the source of all your misery.
		Who closed the store to play hockey?
		Who closed the store to attend a
		wake? Who tried to win back an ex-
		girlfriend without even discussing
		how he felt with his present one?
		You wanna blame somebody, blame
		yourself.
			(beat, as DANTE)
		"I'm not even supposed to be here
		today."
			(whips stuff at DANTE)
		You sound like an asshole. Whose
		choice was it to be here today?
		Nobody twisted your arm. You're
		here today of your own violation,
		my friend. But you'd like to
		believe that the weight of the
		world rests on your shoulders-that
		the store would crumble if Dante
		wasn't here. Well, I got news for
		you, jerk: This store would survive
		without you. Without me either. All
		you do is overcompensate for having
		what's basically a monkey's job:
		You push fucking buttons. Any moron
		can waltz in here and do our jobs,
		but you're obsessed with making it
		seem so much more fucking important,
		so much more epic than it really is.
		You work in a convenience store,
		Dante. And badly, I might add. And
		I work in a shitty video store.
		Badly, as well.
			(beat)
		You know, that guy Jay's got it
		right-he has no delusions about
		what he does. Us? We like to make
		ourselves seem so much better than
		the people that come in here, just
		looking to pick up a paper or-God
		forbid-cigarettes. We look down on
		them, as it we're so advanced.
		Well, if we're so fucking advanced,
		then what are we doing working here?

									142.


	RANDAL gets up, leaving DANTE to contemplate his strong
	words alone.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE and RANDAL silently clean up, backs to each other.

						CUT TO:

	DANTE places a mop in the corner. RANDAL pulls on his coat.

				RANDAL
		I threw out the stuff that got
		broken. The floor looks clean.

				DANTE
		You need a ride?

				RANDAL
			(looks out door)
		Got one. Just pulled up.

	They stand in silence. Then...

				DANTE
		Do you work tomorrow?

				RANDAL
		Same time. What about you?

				DANTE
		I'm calling out. Going to hit the
		hospital-see how Caitlin is. Then
		try to see Veronica.

				RANDAL
		You wanna grab something to eat
		tomorrow night...after I get out of
		here?

				DANTE
		I'll call you. Let you know.

				RANDAL
		All right. Good luck with Veronica.
		If you want, I can talk to her, you
		know, and explain...

				DANTE
		No thanks. I'll take care of it.
		We've got a lot of shit to talk
		about.

									143.


				RANDAL
		Helluva day.

				DANTE
		To say the least.

				RANDAL
		Do you need a hug or something?
		'Cause I would have no hang-ups
		about hugging you...you know, you
		being a guy and all. Just don't
		knead my ass when you do it.

				DANTE
		Get the fuck outta here already.

				RANDAL
		I'm gone. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

	RANDAL exits. A second later, he reenters and tosses DANTE
	the sheet-sign.

				RANDAL
		You're closed.

	He exits. DANTE pushes the sign over from Open to Closed.

	DANTE climbs behind the counter. He pops the register open
	and starts counting the drawer out. The door is heard opening.

	POV JOHN: DANTE counting out the register, not looking up.

				DANTE
		What'd you forget something?
			(looks up, surprised)
		Oh. I'm sorry, we're closed.

	A gunshot blasts out. DANTE flies back, his chest exploding.
	He stares ahead and slumps to the floor.

	JOHN walks behind the counter, stepping over DANTE'S body on
	the floor, and takes the money out of the register. He grabs
	a paper bag and jams the money in it. He grabs handfuls of
	change, shoves it in his pocket, and then quickly exits the
	frame. DANTE continues to lie on the floor.

	CREDITS

	Credits end, and the door is heard opening. A customer comes
	to the counter and stands there. He waits, looks around for
	a clerk, looks down the aisles.

				CUSTOMER
		Hello? Little help?

									144.


	No reply. He looks around again, and glances at the door to
	make sure nobody's coming in. Then he reaches behind the
	counter and grabs a pack of cigarettes. He leaves.