DEATH AT A FUNERAL



                                Written by

                         Chris Rock & Aeysha Carr




                 Based on "Death at a Funeral" by Dean Craig




                         
                                                                  02/6/09

                         FADE IN:
          MUSIC CUE: "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" by Bobby McFerrin plays as we

                         BEGIN CREDITS

          INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

          We pan across a room filled with caskets.

          EXT. CHURCH - DAY

          People somberly walk into a church.

          EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

          We see the signs outside of various funeral homes.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          We close in on a HEADSTONE that reads: "DEATH AT A FUNERAL".

          EXT. CHURCH - DAY

          ASIAN PALL BEARERS carry a coffin into a church.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          We push in on another headstone that reads: "Starring Chris
          Rock". As we push through the cemetery, we see various co-
          stars' names chiseled on headstones.
          We see a fleet of hearses driving through a cemetery.

          INT. FLORIST - DAY

          We see a FLORIST making a funeral arrangement.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          CLOSE UP of another headstone that has the director's name
          chiseled on it.

                         END CREDITS

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          MUSIC CUE: The music fades out.
          TIGHT SHOT on AARON (CHRIS ROCK) thirties, dressed in a black
          suit and tie. He looks straight ahead with a somber expression.
          The camera pulls back to reveal he is watching FOUR UNDERTAKERS
          (INCLUDING BRIAN) place a coffin on a raised platform.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          2.

                         CONTINUED:
          The living room has been prepared for the funeral service, with
          several rows of chairs laid out.

                         BRIAN
          Would you like to see...
          Aaron nods his head "yes", as BRIAN begins to open the coffin.
          Aaron crosses to the coffin.
          There's a dramatic moment as Aaron moves to the coffin and
          braces himself for what he's about to see. The coffin opens and
          Aaron stares long and hard at the body.

                         AARON
          Brian... who is that?

                         BRIAN
          Excuse me?

                         AARON
          Who is this man I'm looking at?
          'Cause it's not my father.

                         BRIAN
          Are you sure?

                         AARON
          Are you asking me if I'm sure I know
          what my father looks like?

                         BRIAN
          People make mistakes in times of
          grief.

                         AARON
          Man, look at the damn body!
          Brian peers into the coffin. We see it's an ASIAN MAN.

                         BRIAN
          Oh shit!
          The other undertakers look embarrassed.

                         AARON
          Come on, Brian. You know what my
          father looks like. He used to take
          you to little league.

                         BRIAN
          I'm sorry, man. I got a little
          nervous. This almost never happens.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          3.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         AARON
          It's happened before?! You mean this
          is a normal thing?... This isn't
          Burger King. You can't just mess up
          my order.

                         BRIAN
          I think I know where he is.

                         AARON
          You think?

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ASIAN FUNERAL - SAME TIME

          Close up of the casket opening. People look confused. The MAN
          looking into the coffin speaks Chinese with subtitles.

                         ASIAN MAN

                         (IN CHINESE)
          That's not my father.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME


                         AARON
          I better .,see my dad in this coffin in
          an hour, or you're going to take his
          place.
          The undertakers pick up the coffin and shuffle out awkwardly.

                         BRIAN
          Don't worry. I'll get him, man.

                         AARON
          You do that.

                         (TO HIMSELF)
          My people, my people, my people...

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          Aaron enters the bedroom. His wife, MICHELLE, also thirties,
          attractive, is putting on makeup with a thermometer hanging from
          her mouth. Aaron stands looking dumbfounded.

                         AARON
          They brought the wrong body. Can you
          believe that?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          4.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MICHELLE
          (muffled because of

                         THERMOMETER)
          The wrong body?! Do they know where
          he is?

                         AARON
          They think so. They're getting him
          now.
          The thermometer beeps and Michelle removes it from her mouth..

                         MICHELLE
          I told you not to use Marshals. But
          no, you wanted to keep it in the
          neighborhood. I know Swartz costs a
          little more, but at least they know
          where the bodies are.
          Michelle writes something down on a piece of paper as Aaron
          crosses the room and sits on the bed.

                         AARON
          You were right. Please don't rub it
          in, not today. I've got so much to
          worry about.
          Michelle gets up and heads to the bathroom as Aaron takes out
          some index cards and looks them over.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Dad insisted on having the funeral
          here, Mom's crying all the time, Ryan
          didn't help with anything, not like he
          ever does! Plus my eulogy sucks. I
          can't wait until this day is over.

          MICHELLE (O.S.)
          Oh come on, honey. I'm sure it's not
          that bad.

                         AARON
          If it is, at least Dad's too dead to
          hear it.
          Michelle exits the bathroom.

                         MICHELLE
          Honey, it's going to be fine.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          5

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         AARON
          It doesn't matter what I write. All
          anybody's going to be thinking is "why
          isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? Even I'm
          going to be thinking it.
          She holds him close.

                         MICHELLE
          Baby, you're the oldest. You have to
          do the eulogy. Besides, I think
          you're just as good a writer as your
          brother. You just need to let someone
          read your book.
          Aaronlooks away.

                         AARON
          Soon. It's not ready to be read yet.

                         MICHELLE
          I'm sure it's fine. Once the
          funeral's over, and everything dies

                         DOWN--
          Aaron gives her a look.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          Sorry. Look, once this is all over,
          you know your mom's thinking about
          selling the house, so you know we've
          got to get out.of here.
          Aaron looks a little uncomfortable and heads to the bathroom.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          You called them, right?
          Silence from Aaron in the next room.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          Aaron?... You put the down payment on
          the condo, right?

          AARON (O.C.)
          I said I'd take care of it and I'll
          take care of it.
          Michelle looks frustrated and crosses into the bathroom.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          6.

          INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Aaron is at the mirror.

                         MICHELLE
          You better, because I can't live with
          your mother anymore. I've done my
          time, now it's time for your brother
          to take over. From now on, it's only
          Christmas and birthdays for us. Once
          we move, we can concentrate on your
          writing and our baby.
          Michelle gets down on her knees and starts unzipping Aaron's
          pants. Aaron pulls back.

                         AARON
          Hey, hey, hey. Are you serious? We
          have to do this today?
          Michelle is still on the ground.

                         MICHELLE
          Yes. Today's the last day of this
          cycle.

                         AARON
          Can I at least find the body first?

          EXT. FREEWAY - WIDE SHOT - DAY

          We see NORMAN'S CAR speeding along the freeway.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY

          NORMAN, black, slightly heavier and riddled with anxiety, is
          driving. His friend, DEREK, an attractive, white, clean cut
          doctor, rides in the passenger seat.

                         NORMAN
          I hate funerals. It's all death,
          death, death.

                         DEREK
          I don't think funerals are designed
          for anybody to really like.

                         NORMAN
          I don't want a regular funeral. When
          I die, I want people to celebrate my
          life.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          Death at a Funeral 02/6/09

                         CONTINUED:

                         DEREK
          Not me. I want it to be the saddest
          day ever. I want the stock market to
          stop. Schools to close. And no
          garbage pick-up.
          Derek starts to light a cigarette.

                         NORMAN
          You still smoke?

                         DEREK
          You used to smoke.

                         NORMAN
          I used to piss my pants too, but I
          stopped. The only thing I want black
          is my skin. At least open the window.
          Derek opens the window very slightly.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          I've got enough problems of my own to
          deal with.

                         DEREK

                         (DUBIOUS)
          Yeah? What problems?

                         NORMAN
          I told you... About the rash...

                         DEREK
          Got to use condoms.

                         NORMAN
          .on my hand...

                         DEREK
          Still got to use condoms.

                         NORMAN
          Look at it.
           Norman pulls up his sleeve and makes Derek look at his wrist,
          but he doesn't take a great deal of interest.

                         DEREK
          That's not a rash.

                         NORMAN
          What is it?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          B.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         DEREK
          I don't know, but it doesn't look
          right.

                         NORMAN
          Oh, damn.
          Norman continues to drive. Derek continues to smoke.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          If you hate funerals so much why are
          you coming?

                         DEREK
          You know why.

                         NORMAN
          Come on, man, leave Elaine alone.

                         DEREK
          I can't. She's the one.

                         NORMAN
          So you're going to win her back over a
          dead body?

                         DEREK
          If I have to.

          INT. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY

          ELAINE, very attractive, 27, and her boyfriend OSCAR, white, 35,
          are driving along wearing funeral attire. Oscar looks quite
          anxious as he keeps his eyes firmly on the road.

                         ELAINE
          Are you okay?

                         OSCAR
          Yeah, just a little nervous...

                         ELAINE
          About seeing my dad?

                         OSCAR
          I just don't think I've ever been so
          openly hated by anyone before.

                         ELAINE
          He doesn't hate you. He just loved
          Derek.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          9.

                         CONTINUED:

                         OSCAR
          Great. That makes me feel much
          better.

                         ELAINE
          At least you know it's not you, so try
          not to get so nervous when he's
          around.

                         OSCAR
          I can't help it. He puts me on edge.
          I feel like I owe him money.

                         ELAINE
          He's going to be more.concerned that
          his brother-in-law just died. He
          won't be focused on you. Anyway, when
          I tell him we're getting married,
          he'll have to accept you.
          Elaine takes his hand. As they exchange a loving look, Oscar
          takes his eyes off the road for just a brief moment. Suddenly
          there's a BUMP!!! And we see a bicyclist flying over Oscar's
          car. Oscar screeches to a halt. They jump out of the car.

                         OSCAR
          Oh my God. Are you okay?
          The guy gets up. He's fine.

                         BIKE GUY
          Yeah, I'm fine.

                         OSCAR
          Are you sure? Is anything broken?
          I'm so sorry.

                         BIKE GUY
          It was my fault. I ran a light.
          Oscar starts hyperventilating.

                         OSCAR
          I could have killed you. What if you
          had cracked your head open? I'd have
          blood on my hands!
          Elaine shakes him.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, calm down!

                         (BEAT)

                         (MORE)

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          10.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                          ELAINE (CONT'D)
          You heard the man, he ran a light.
          Come on, let's get out of here before
          he wants to sue.
          She grabs him and pulls him into the car.

          INT. BATHROOM - DAY

          The camera is close on Michelle's head which is moving back and
          forth. We pull back to reveal Aaron. They are doing it
          standing up.

                         MICHELLE
          What's taking you so long?

                         AARON
          I just started.

                         MICHELLE
          You want this baby as much me. Come
          on.

                         AARON
          I'm trying.

                         MICHELLE
          If I didn't want you to come, you
          would have done it five minutes ago.

                         AARON
          Do I have to do this today?
          The door opens and a HOUSEKEEPER sticks her head in.

                         HOUSEKEEPER
          Who's picking up Uncle Russell?--
          Aaron and Elaine quickly pull apart. As the Housekeeper steps
          back out into the hall.

                         AARON
          Oh shit, Uncle Russell.
          Aaron fixes his pants as he exits the room.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR MOVING - DAY

          Norman's cell phone RINGS. He answers.

                         NORMAN
          Hello?... How are you?... Okay..

                         

                         

                         

                         
          11.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS


                         AARON
          I need you to pick up Uncle Russell.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS


                         NORMAN
          Uncle Russell?! Damn! He's always in
          a bad mood.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS


                         AARON
          It's not a mood if he's always in it.
          It's his personality. Can you do it?

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS


                         NORMAN
          Alright... 'Alright. I'll do it. See
          you soon. Bye.
          Norman hangs up irritated.

          EXT. WIDE SHOT OF A FREEWAY - DAY

          We see Norman's car exiting the freeway.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron and Michelle are standing to the side as the undertakers
          place the coffin on the stand.
          Brian nervously lifts the lid and Aaron looks inside.

                         BRIAN

                         (RESPECTFUL)
          So is this your father?

                         AARON
          Come on, man. You know that's my
          father.

                         BRIAN
          Just trying to be professional. What
          up, Michelle?

                         MICHELLE

                         (DRYLY)
          Brian.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          12.

                         CONTINUED:
          He closes the lid and all four undertakers quietly head off.
          Aaron looks up and sees his mother, Cynthia, has entered the
          room. Cynthia is clearly drained and tired. She stares at the
          coffin.

                         AARON
          Mom, how are you feeling?

                         CYNTHIA
          There were so many things we wanted to
          do... We were going to go to China.

                         AARON
          China? You don't even like Chinese
          food.

                         CYNTHIA
          That's not the point. I haven't been
          feeling good. Who knows how long I'm
          going to live without him. It happens
          all the time. One spouse goes and
          then the next. I mean, it might be
          different if I had a grandchild to
          take my mind off of everything.

                         MICHELLE
          Cynthia, I--
          They all cross to the coffin.

                         AARON
          (cuts Michelle off)
          Come on, Mom. You're healthy. You'll
          be fine. You've got your friends and
          family...
          Cynthia, Aaron and Michelle stand around the coffin.

                         CYNTHIA
          Where is Ryan? Have you heard from
          him?

                         AARON
          He'll be here soon.

                         CYNTHIA
          Just seeing that boy's face makes me
          feel better. I've missed him so much.
          My baby.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          13.

                         CONTINUED: (2)
          She looks down at the coffin. Aaron turns away frustrated.
          Michelle gently touches the coffin.

                         MICHELLE
          Do you need anything, Cynthia?

                         CYNTHIA
          Yeah, you can get your hand off my
          husband's coffin. You're leaving
          smudge marks.
          Michelle tries to wipe it off with her sleeve.

          EXT. STREET - JEFF'S HOUSE - DAY

          MUSIC: "PAPER PLANE" by M.I.A.
          Elaine and Oscar are walking up the stairs of a typical college
          apartment building.

          INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - SAME

          The music is coming from Jeff's speakers. JEFF, dressed for the
          funeral, sits at his desk. He's holding a pill bottle that
          says: "VALIUM."

                         JEFF
          Yeah, I found them. The ones in the
          Valium bottle?... Yeah... I'll get
          them to you this evening... Can't do
          this afternoon... It's your fault you
          left them here... I've got a
          funeral... My uncle died... Yeah,
          tragic... No, I haven't taken any. I
          saw what they did to you... What are
          they anyway?...
          The doorbell rings.

                         JEFF (CONT'D)
          I've gotta go, my sister's here...
          I'll take them with me and stop by
          after the funeral... Bye.
          The doorbell rings again.

                         JEFF (CONT'D)
          Hang on!
          Jeff stands up and we see that he's only half dressed for the
          funeral. He doesn't have any pants on.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          14.

                         CONTINUED:
          He puts the bottle on the counter then crosses to the door and
          lets Elaine and Oscar inside.

                         JEFF (CONT'D)
          Hey, what's up?

                         ELAINE
          Do you always open the door half
          naked? Come on, Jeff. We're going to
          be late.

                         JEFF
          I've just got to put my pants on and
          I'm ready.
          Oscar is still a little shaky.

                         JEFF (CONT'D)

                         (RE: OSCAR)
          Is he okay?

                         ELAINE
          Oscar's freaked out. A guy on a bike
          ran into the car.

                         OSCAR
          It came out of nowhere. I didn't see
          him. I'm sorry.

                         ELAINE
          It's okay, baby.
          (then to Jeff)
          Go put your damn pants on.

                         JEFF
          I'm going. I'm going.
          Jeff heads off to the bathroom and closes the door. Elaine
          spots the bottle of Valium on the table and picks it up.

                         ELAINE
          Here. Take this..: It'll calm you
          down.

                         OSCAR
          What is it?

                         ELAINE
          It's just Valium.
          (gets a glass of water)
          I used to take them all the time...
          It'll make you feel better, promise.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          15.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         I

                         OSCAR
          Are you sure? I mean, I've got to
          drive.

                         ELAINE
          It'll be okay. I'll drive, honey.
          Come on, open wide.
          She pops the pill in his mouth and hands him some water. Oscar
          swallows.
          Jeff returns wearing pants.

                         JEFF
          Ready. Let's do it.
          Oscar and Elaine leave, Jeff surreptitiously picks up the Valium
          bottle, puts it in his pocket, then follows them out.

          INT/EXT. ENTRY WAY - SAME TIME

          CAMERA is in the entry way now shooting outside. A TOWN CAR
          exits, leaving Ryan in front of the house. RYAN, Aaron's
          younger brother is taller, more confident, and more successful.
          He moves slowly towards CAMERA and through the front doorway as
          CAMERA PULLS BACK with him.

                         RYAN
          Hello! Mom!

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Michelle, Aaron and Cynthia are on the couch as Ryan enters the
          living room.

                         CYNTHIA
          Ryan!
          Cynthia runs over to Ryan and flings her arms around him. Aaron
          looks a bit lost in the background with Michelle but they walk
          over.

                         RYAN
          I know this is hard, Mom. But you're
          going to be okay.

                         CYNTHIA
          You always know exactly what to say,
          Ryan. I'm so glad you're here.

                         RYAN
          I'm always here for you, Mom.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          16.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          I guess if people died every week,
          we'd see you all the time.
          Ryan turns to Aaron and Michelle.

                         RYAN
          Aaron, how are you?

                         AARON
          I'm alright.

                         MICHELLE
          How was the flight?

                         RYAN
          Okay. I had to buy the seat next to
          me because I don't trust the airlines
          with my bags. And there was a lot of
          turbulence... I guess that's the
          thing about flying first class. It
          doesn't matter how much you pay if the
          plane crashes, you still end up dead--
          uh...
          Ryan realizes what he's said and stops speaking abruptly. It's
          too much for Cynthia who rushes upstairs.

                         AARON
          "End up dead"?

                         RYAN
          Oh damn.

                         MICHELLE
          I'll make sure she's okay.
          Michelle heads off upstairs.

          EXT. LAKEVIEW RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - SAME TIME

          We see Norman's car turn into "Lakeview Retirement Community."
          He drives past the sign and through a gate.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR/EXT. LAKEVIEW - DAY

          Norman is driving behind three OLD LADIES on mobile chairs.
          He's honking at them. He finally sees Uncle Russell.

                         NORMAN
          There he is.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          17.

                         CONTINUED:

                         DEREK
          You didn't tell me the guy was in a
          wheelchair.
          UNCLE RUSSELL, an elderly man in a wheelchair, sits in his
          chair.
          Norman drives forward and stops alongside the old man. He rolls
          down his window and speaks very slowly with a huge smile on his
          face.

                         NORMAN

                         (OVER ENUNCIATING)
          Hello, Uncle Russell. How are you?
          We're here to take you to the funeral.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Where the fuck have you been, you fat
          bastard? You're late. If you took
          any longer I'd be dead, too.
          The fake smile falls off Norman's face.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Ryan sees the coffin and slowly heads over with Aaron trailing
          behind. He stands over the coffin. It finally registers that
          his DAD is actually in there.

                         RYAN
          It's hard to see Dad like this. But
          he's in a better place now.

                         AARON
          When does dead beat sick?

                         RYAN
          I guess you're right. This is why I
          try not to get close to people.
          There's too much emotion involved.

                         AARON
          Well that explains why you never call.

                         RYAN
          What do you want me to say? Some
          families talk to each other all the
          time, some just see each other at
          funerals. That's us.

                         AARON
          I guess it is.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          18

                         CONTINUED:
           Ryan takes a seat in one of the chairs flanking the coffin.
          Aaron sits as well.

                          AARON (CONT'D)
           By the way, I'm going to need that
           money.

                         RYAN
          What money?

                         AARON
          The money for all this... the funeral.
          You're supposed to pay half.

                         RYAN
          What about the insurance?

                         AARON
          That's Mom's money.

                         RYAN
          What about the pension?

                         AARON
          That's Mom's money.

                         RYAN
          Oh.

                         AARON
          So we're spliting the cost.

                         RYAN
          Are we?

                         AARON
          Yes. We are.

                         RYAN
          Oh, okay.

                         AARON
          So?

                         RYAN
          I don't have it right now.

                         AARON
          What do you mean, you don't have it?
          You just bought a first class seat for
          your bag.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          19.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         RYAN
          And that's why I don't have any cash.

          INT.. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY

          Elaine is now driving, Oscar is sitting in the passenger seat
          looking a little spaced out, with Jeff in the back.
          Jeff leans forward.

                         JEFF
          So, poor old Uncle Eddie...

                         ELAINE
          Yeah. But he was sick for so long.
          He's much better off now.

                         JEFF
          Dead? Since when does dead beat sick?

                         ELAINE
          Shut up, Jeff.
          Jeff turns his attention to Oscar.

                         JEFF
          I love when you come to family
          functions, Oscar. Because then Dad
          focuses all his hate on you.
           There's no response from Oscar. He looks distantly out the
          window. The pills are starting to kick in.

                          JEFF (CONT'D)
          Oscar?

                         OSCAR
          Was there a dog in here just now?
          Elaine looks at Oscar very-strangely.

                         ELAINE
          What?
          He sniffs.

                         OSCAR
          Dalmatian? No, Schnauzer...
          A beat.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          20.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          What the hell are you talking about?
          Oscar falls silent and just goes back to looking out the window.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR - LATER

          Uncle Russell is asleep in the back. Norman is looking for a
          parking space, but the street and long driveway are packed with
          cars. A catering truck and flower van are taking up a lot of
          space.

                         NORMAN
          There's nowhere to park.
          Then the small flower delivery van pulls out. Derek points out
          the newly empty space.

                         DEREK
          That truck is pulling out. Park
          there.

                         NORMAN
          Alright.
          Just as he's about to drive in, another car takes it.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          What the hell?

          EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman gets out of the car. The other car contains Jeff, Oscar
          and Elaine. Jeff gets out first followed by Elaine.

                         NORMAN
          Elaine, I was going to park there.

                         ELAINE
          Are you family, Norman?

                         NORMAN
          Well, no, but I'm like family.

                         ELAINE
          No such thing.
          Derek leans out the window.

                         DEREK
          Hi, Elaine.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          21.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          What are you doing here?

                         DEREK
          Your father invited me.

                         ELAINE
          Oh please.
          She grabs Oscar and heads to the house followed by Jeff.

          INT. NORMAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

          Norman gets back into his car. Uncle Russell stirs.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What's happening?

                         DEREK
          Did you see that?... She totally blew
          me off.
          The flower delivery van has been waiting to move forward. It's
          driver beeps the horn.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          I said what's happening? Are we
          there?.
          Norman turns around and looks at Uncle Russell.

                         NORMAN
          Aw, damn. I have Uncle Russell. How
          could I forget about Uncle Russell?
          Derek has other concerns and the van beeps again.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          (to the Van)
          Yeah, alright!!

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What the hell is going on?
          Uncle Russell pokes Norman with his cane.

                         NORMAN
          Ow.

                         DEREK
          .barely even looked.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          22.

                         CONTINUED:
          Norman, now highly irritated, is forced to drive backwards.

          EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY

          Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are walking to the house as other people
          arrive.

                         OSCAR
          It's very green here, isn't it?...
          Green... Very green... Very...
          green.
          Elaine takes Oscar to the side.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, are you alright?

                         OSCAR
          What do you mean?

                         ELAINE
          All this talking about phantom dogs
          and things being green... What's
          going on?

                         OSCAR
          What are you talking about? I' fine .
          Never been greener.
          Oscar wanders off, leaving Elaine with Jeff.

                         JEFF
          Elaine, what's wrong with Oscar?

                         ELAINE
          I don't know. Something's not
          right...
          ANGLE ON: Oscar as he wanders around the yard.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          I think it's the Valium.

                         JEFF
          Valium?!

                         ELAINE
          I gave him a Valium at your place. I
          think he's just not used to it.

                         JEFF
          Oh, right.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          23.

                         CONTINUED:
          Jeff's face reveals his realization of what's happened. He
          walks off, leaving Elaine watching Oscar.

          EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

          Norman's car is almost at the corner still being forced
          backwards by the flower van. We see that Derek is still lost in
          his own thoughts.
          Uncle Russell is poking at Norman with his cane.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          You're going the wrong way!

                         NORMAN
          Ow! That hurts.

                         DEREK
          Stop the car, Norman.

                         NORMAN
          What?

                         DEREK
          Stop the car. I have to speak with
          her. I have to speak with Elaine.
          Norman reluctantly stops the car. Derek gets out.

                         NORMAN
          What about Uncle Russell? I need help
          with Uncle Russell!
          It's too late. Derek is gone. The van in front of Norman honks
          the horn.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What's going on here? Where are we?!
          We're going to be late!
          Russell hits him on the arm with his cane.

                         NORMAN
          Ow! Can you please stop doing that?!
          The van keeps beeping. Norman backs up.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Ryan is standing with Aaron. They greet the mourners.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          24.

                         CONTINUED:

                         RYAN

                         (TO MOURNER)
          Nice to see you again.
          The mourner shakes hands with Ryan then walks away.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          Who are all these people? I don't
          even recognize half of them.

                         AARON
          It's your family. You don't recognize
          them from the last funeral?
          Ryan looks around the room.

                         RYAN
          So what side of the family is he on?

                         AARON
          Who?

                         RYAN
          The guy in the leather jacket.
          Ryan looks around the room and sees a FOUR FOOT SIX MAN (FRANK)
          approaching the coffin.

                         AARON
          I have no idea. Maybe a friend of
          Dad's from work or something.
          Aaron turns to Ryan.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          So, you're telling me I'm going to
          have to pay for the whole funeral?

                         RYAN
          No I'm telling you you'll have the
          money in a few months when I get my
          advance.

                         AARON
          I'm not a God damn credit agency!
          REVEREND DAVIS, a very calm, serene woman, suddenly appears.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Aaron, how are you?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          25.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         AARON
          Yes, um... We're just waiting for
          everyone to arrive, then we can get
          going. I know you're in a hurry.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Yes, I have two more funerals and a
          Christening. I don't know what it is
          about the Spring, but they're either
          coming in or going out.
          She laughs, but Aaron and Ryan just look at her. Reverend Davis
          stands there waiting to be introduced to Ryan.

                         AARON
          Have you met my brother, Ryan?

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Ah, the writer, of course. I must
          admit I squeezed this job in because I
          wanted to meet you. I'm reading
          "Mama's Secret" right now. Don't tell
          anybody, I'm not supposed to be
          reading that kind of stuff.

                         RYAN
          I'm sure the Lord will forgive you.
          Aaron is irritated.

                         REVEREND DAVIS

                         (TO AARON)
          You must be very proud of your big
          brother. He really made something of
          his life.

                         (TO RYAN)
          I can't wait to hear your eulogy.

                         AARON
          No, no, I'm doing the eulogy.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Oh. I thought...

                         RYAN
          Aaron is the oldest.
          The reverend tries her best not to look disappointed.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Great... Well, I'll just make sure
          have everything I need.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          26.

                         CONTINUED: (3)
          She looks at the coffin and then at the Bible in her hands.

          REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
          We've got a body and a Bible. Well,
          I'm all set.
          She walks off.

                         AARON
          Look, I think you should do the
          eulogy. Everyone's expecting you to
          do it.

                         RYAN
          No, they're not. You're the oldest.
          You should do it.

                         AARON
          Look most of the people are here for
          Dad, but let's not kid ourselves. A
          lot of them are here to hear your
          eulogy.

                         RYAN
          So imagine how surprised they'll be
          when they hear yours.
          Ryan walks away.

          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          Cynthia is helping prepare the food to go.out. Michelle is in
          the background at the sink. DUNCAN, Cynthia's brother, a middle
          aged doctor, approaches.

                         DUNCAN
          How's my little sister?

                         CYNTHIA
          I'm trying to hold it together,
          Duncan. He was a really good husband.
          My friends always told me about the
          crap their husbands put them through.
          I never had to deal with any of that.
          Remember when Uncle Matt got that
          nanny pregnant?

                         DUNCAN
          That was horrible.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          27

                         CONTINUED:

                         CYNTHIA
          They don't make 'em like my Edward
          anymore. A good husband and a great
          father to two healthy, strong boys.
          Michelle cringes in the background.

                         MICHELLE

                         (TO CYNTHIA)
          I'll make you a cup of coffee,
          Cynthia.

                         CYNTHIA
          Coffee can do many things Michelle,
          but it can't bring back the dead.
          Beat.

                         MICHELLE
          Tea?

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Aaron finds a quiet place in the hallway and pulls out his
          notes.

                         AARON

                         (READS)
          "My father was an exceptional man...
          My father was an exceptional man...
          My father was an exceptional man..."
          Michelle approaches him.

                         MICHELLE
          Honey, we still need to finish that
          thing. Remember today is the last
          day.

                         AARON
          Can we talk about this when there's a
          little less death in the air?

                         MICHELLE
          No. No we can't.

                         AARON
          Honey, I'm just not in the mood...

                         MICHELLE
          I don't have any panties on.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          28.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          What? You don't have any panties on?
          It's my father's funeral.

                         MICHELLE
          I'm just trying to help you out. I'll
          put them back on before the service
          starts. Now come on.
          They turn. Aaron looks around the corner into the living room
          and sees the four foot six man standing by a table. Aaron stops
          Michelle.

                         AARON
          Babe, don't make it obvious, but that
          guy in the leather jacket standing by
          the wall. Don't look. Don't look.
          Don't look.
          Michelle catches a glimpse of the guy.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Do you recognize him?

                         MICHELLE
          Isn't that the guy from the Home
          Depot?

                         AARON
          No, I don't think so. Don't look.
          Don't look.

                         MICHELLE
          Did he put in the cable?

                         AARON
          No, no, that's not it. He keeps
          looking at me. Don't look. Don't
          look.

                         MICHELLE
          He's probably just a friend of your
          father's. I'll meet you in the
          garage. We have a few minutes before
          Uncle Russell gets here.
          Michelle walks off. Aaron peeks around the corner again and
          makes eye contact with the four foot six inch man, who seems to
          be staring straight at him. Aaron averts his eyes and heads
          off.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          29.

          EXT. ROAD - DAY

          Norman parks the car and gets out. He goes to the trunk and
          removes the wheelchair.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What are you doing?! Be careful with
          that.
          Uncle Russell bangs his cane on the floor impatiently.

          UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D)
          Hurry up, we're late.
          Norman slams the trunk closed.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron tries to get across the room as Michelle heads into the
          kitchen.
          Ryan stops Aaron.

                         AARON
          Oh, Ryan can you keep an eye out--

                         RYAN
          God damn, that Martina has grown up.
          ANGLE ON: MARTINA, nineteen and attractive.

                         AARON
          Are you talking about Little Martina?

                         RYAN
          She was like a teenager when I left,
          and now she's... you know. She's like
          damn.
          Aaron looks distastefully at his brother.

                         AARON
          Can you keep an eye out for Uncle
          Russell?

                         RYAN
          I think I should go see how she's
          been.

                         AARON
          Yeah, why don't you do that? See if
          she wants a juice box.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          30.

                         CONTINUED:
          Ryan heads off towards Martina. Aaron continues across the
          room.

          FRANK (O.S.)
          Hi there.
          Aaron turns and finds himself cornered by Frank.

                         AARON
          Hello.

                         FRANK
          I was really sorry to hear about your
          dad. He talked about you a lot. I
          saw your wedding pictures. Your
          wife's dress was very beautiful.
          Aaron is a little uncomfortable.

                         AARON
          Uh... thanks.

                         MAN
          Did he ever mention me?... Frank?
          Frank steps forward and holds out his hand. Aaron shakes it.

                         AARON
          Frank?... I don't think so, no...
          Were you a friend of his?

                         FRANK
          Something like that, yeah.
          Michelle sticks her head out of the kitchen.

                         MICHELLE
          Honey. Can I see you for a moment?

                         AARON
          Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for
          coming.
          Aaron walks away, leaving Frank alone.

          EXT. STREET - SAME TIME

          WIDE SHOT: Norman struggles to push Uncle Russell up a hill.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          31.

                         CONTINUED:

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Come on, put your back into it.
          You're supposed to be a young man.
          Don't you have any strength?

          INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

          Aaron has almost made it across the room when he is intercepted
          by Reverend Davis.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          I think we should get started.
          really have to leave at three.

                         AARON
          Sure. Can we just wait five minutes
          for my Uncle Russell? We can't start
          without him.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          .Of course.

          EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY

          Elaine and Jeff are talking to some mourners.

                         ELAINE
          It's so nice to see you.

                         WOMAN
          I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle.
          But he's in a better place now. I
          hear Ryan is doing the eulogy.
          Oscar, carrying a leaf, interrupts the conversation.

                         OSCAR
          Look... Isn't it beautiful?
          He wanders off again. Elaine doesn't know what the hell is
          going on.

                         JEFF
          Elaine, can I speak to you for a
          minute?

                         ELAINE
          (to the mourner)
          I'll see you inside.
          Jeff takes Elaine's arm with some urgency and moves off to the
          side.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          32

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          What? What is it?!

                         JEFF
          I have to tell you something and, I'm
          warning you in advance, you're not
          going to like it.
          Elaine looks at Jeff concerned.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

          Aaron is intercepted again by Duncan who is talking to Ryan.

                         DUNCAN
          Aaron. How are we doing on time?

                         AARON
          As soon as Uncle Russell gets here
          we'll be ready to start.

                         DUNCAN
          So what's this I hear about Ryan not
          doing the eulogy?

                         RYAN
          I was just telling him how much I'm
          looking forward to hearing your
          eulogy.

                         DUNCAN
          That's a shame. I mean, I'm sure
          you'll be good, Aaron. It's just with
          Ryan being the writer of the family...

                         AARON
          Yeah.

                         DUNCAN
          There are people here that don't even
          know your father. They just came to
          hear Ryan.

                         AARON
          Would you excuse me?
          Aaron walks away.

                         DUNCAN

                         (TO RYAN)
          So any new books coming out? I just
          finished "Black Hurt.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          33.

          INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME

          Aaron closes the door behind him. Michelle is waiting. They
          start kissing and pulling at each other's clothes. Aaron stops
          and leans on the door and sighs.

                         MICHELLE
          Are you alright?

                         AARON
          Every single person wants Ryan to do
          the eulogy. He was my father, too.
          I'm supposed to do the damn eulogy!
          I'm the oldest. Where was Ryan when I
          was taking care of Dad?

                         MICHELLE
          Calm down. Calm down. Forget about
          everyone. You're going to do the
          eulogy and it's going to be the best
          eulogy anyone's every heard. Now
          could you please do me a favor and get
          me pregnant?

                         AARON
          Come on, do I have to do this today?

                         MICHELLE
          Yes. What do you want? You want me
          to talk dirty? I'm gonna suck it.
          I'm gonna to suck it.
          Before Michelle can continue her PG rated dirty talk, there is a
          knock on the door.

                         MAN
          Is there more soda in here?

                         AARON
          Yes! Come in!
          Michelle is frustrated.

          EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY

          Elaine is looking at Jeff in absolute shock.

                         ELAINE
          What do you mean it's not Valium?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          34.

                         CONTINUED:

                         JEFF
          I mean what you thought was Valium,
          wasn't actually Valium. It's a
          hallucinogenic. Like, acid,
          mescaline... Special K...
          Oscar moves in the background behind Elaine and Jeff. Elaine
          looks at him. He's making strange contorted expressions with
          his face and pointing at the sky. Other people are starting to
          notice him and think he's slightly odd.

                         ELAINE
          This isn't funny, Jeff.

                         JEFF
          I'm not being funny. Look at him,
          he's high as a kite!
          Oscar sticks his head into a huge bush.

                         ELAINE
          What the hell are you doing leaving
          that stuff around your house?!

                         JEFF
          A friend left it. And who the hell
          just goes into someone's house and
          takes pills?

                         ELAINE
          I thought they were Valium!
          (takes a deep breath)
          What am I supposed to do? Should I
          tell him?

                         JEFF
          No, don't do that. It'll just freak
          him out... We'll just keep a close
          eye on him, and make sure he doesn't
          get out of control... And don't let
          him spend too long talking to one
          person... or bush.
          Oscar wanders into the front door. Elaine quickly follows him.
          Jeff reluctantly follows Elaine. Derek arrives in time to see
          this and follows as well.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Oscar wanders in, followed by Elaine and Jeff. Duncan sees them
          enter and approaches them.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          35.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          Hi, Dad. How are you?
          She gives him a kiss.

                         DUNCAN
          Not bad considering we're at a
          funeral.
          Jeff steps forward.

                         JEFF
          Hi, Dad.
          He shakes his hand.

                         DUNCAN
          How's Pepperdine treating you? Is
          Professor Clarke still giving you a
          hard time?

                         JEFF
          No, no. It's all worked out. Don't
          worry.

                         DUNCAN
          I'm not worried about you.
          Duncan looks pointedly at Elaine, irritating her. Duncan looks
          at Oscar who is in the background.

                         DUNCAN (CONT'D)
          So I see you brought your friend.

                         ELAINE
          He's my boyfriend. And you know his
          name.
          Derek approaches.

                         DEREK
          Doctor, how nice to see you again.

                         DUNCAN
          Derek. How are you doing at the
          hospital?

                         DEREK
          Great. Great. We should have lunch
          soon. I'd love to hear what you think
          about the new pediatric wing at
          Cedar's.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          36.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         DUNCAN
          Definitely. Maybe Elaine would like
          to join us for lunch?
          They both look expectantly at Elaine who looks away disgusted.
          Cynthia comes up to them and kisses Elaine and Jeff hello.
          Oscar stares at her.

                         CYNTHIA
          Elaine... Jeff... good to see you.

                         ELAINE
          I'm so sorry, Auntie. We're going to
          miss Uncle Edward so much.

                         JEFF
          Yeah. He was a great guy.

                         CYNTHIA
          Thank you.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, this is my Aunt--
          Oscar grabs Cynthia in a tight hug.

                         OSCAR
          I'm so sorry about... the death...
          He sings "Amazing Grace" softly as Duncan, Derek, Jeff and
          Elaine look on.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          Amazing Grace / How sweet the sound /
          That saved a wretch like me...
          Cynthia untangles herself from Oscar. She heads back outside.
          Duncan gives Elaine a look, then heads off after Cynthia.

                         JEFF
          What are you going to do?

                         ELAINE
          I don't know. I can't leave. Aunt
          Cynthia would never speak to me again.
          Jeff notices that Oscar has left. He rushes outside. Elaine
          follows. Derek follows suit.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          37.

          EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY

          We see Oscar emerging from the front doorway followed by Jeff.
          Then comes Elaine.
          Jeff approaches Oscar and stands with him as Elaine watches from
          the doorway. Derek walks up.

                         DEREK
          You look nice, Elaine.

                         ELAINE
          I'm dressed for a funeral.

                         DEREK
          Yeah, but you make death look sexy.
          She looks at him.

                         DEREK (CONT'D)
          So, I heard about the engagement.

                         ELAINE
          Hey, hey. I don't really have time to
          deal with whatever happened between
          you and me. But I have not told my
          dad yet, so I would appreciate it if
          you would keep your mouth shut.

                         DEREK
          Sure. Anything for you.
          Derek looks over and notices Oscar looking bewildered.

                         DEREK (CONT'D)
          So that's him? That's the man you're
          going to spend the rest of your life
          with?
          Elaine looks over at the drugged up Oscar. Oscar leans over
          like he's on a nod. Jeff leans down with him, watching. Right
          before Oscar falls over, he comes up really fast.- Then he
          starts walking.

                         ELAINE
          Yep, that's him.
          Oscar who has been walking in circles with a look of awe on his
          face, changes direction and flies by Elaine and Derek back into
          the house with Jeff in tow.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          38.

                         CONTINUED:

                         DEREK
          Elaine., I-
          Elaine follows the guys, leaving Derek behind.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

          Aaron is straightening his tie and practicing his eulogy.

                         AARON
          My father was an exceptional man...
          My father was--
          Frank again approaches Aaron.

                         FRANK
          Actually, there's something I'd like
          to talk to you about... when you have
          a minute.
          Aaron hears Uncle Russell in the background.

                         AARON
          Yeah, that's great. Do you mind if we
          do it later though? My uncle just got
          here.

                         FRANK
          Sure.
          Aaron heads off.

          EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

          Norman pushes Russell up the stairs close to where Derek is
          standing. He looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion.
          Norman lets go of the wheelchair and catches his breath. Derek
          grabs the chair blocking Norman from view just as Aaron arrives.

                         AARON
          Thank you, Derek, you're a life saver.
          Hope it wasn't too much trouble.

                         DEREK
          No problem at all.
          Aaron wheels Uncle Russell inside.

                         AARON
          How are you doing, Uncle Russell?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          39.

                         CONTINUED:

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Terrible.
          Derek follows, leaving Norman standing there out of breath.

                         NORMAN
          Can I get a little help?

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron enters and nods to Reverend Davis, who stands at the
          front.

          REVEREND.DAVIS
          Ladies and gentlemen, could you all
          kindly take your seats? We're about
          to begin the service.
          Ryan helps Martina to her seat. Jeff keeps an eye on Oscar.
          Elaine grabs Oscar and drags him to a seat. Aaron wheels Uncle
          Russell to his place.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Move! Move!
          He pokes people with his cane. Aaron then takes his seat with
          Michelle.
          Oscar is not looking so good.
          Ryan finally ends the conversation with Martina and heads to his
          seat.
          Reverend Davis is about to start, but waits as Norman, sweating,
          pushes through the crowd to his seat. The reverend waits for
          the disturbance to end, so Norman attracts the attention of
          everyone. Norman takes his seat next to Derek. Derek leans
          away.

                         DEREK

                         (SNIFFS )
          You stink.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Family and friends, we're gathered
          here today to mourn the passing of
          Edward Barnes.

                         NORMAN
          Yeah, well, you left me to push Uncle
          Russell up that damn hill all by
          myself. Then took all the credit.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          40

                         CONTINUED:
          Elaine, turns around.

                         ELAINE
          Norman, shut up.
          Elaine turns back around. Norman is irritated by this.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          I'd like to start with a favorite
          passage of Edwards from First Samuel
          chapter 18, verses 1-4 in the King
          James Bible.

                         (READING)
          "And it came to pass, when he had made
          an end of speaking unto Saul, that the
          soul of Jonathan was knit with the
          soul of David, and Jonathan loved him
          as his own soul. And Saul took him
          that day, and would let him go no more
          home to his father's house..."
          While the reverend is talking, Norman pokes Elaine on the
          shoulder and leans forward.

                         NORMAN

                         (WHISPERS)
          Hey, Elaine, I know you don't think
          I'm part of the family--

                         ELAINE
          'Cause you're not.

                         NORMAN

                         (WHISPERS)
          .but when you dissed me back there,
          I had Uncle Russell in the car.
          Aaron, disturbed by Norman's whispering, looks over.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)

                         (WHISPERS)
          You stole my parking space, and I had
          to push him half a mile up a hill. We
          almost missed the service!
          Aaronlooks over again.

                         ELAINE

                         (WHISPERS)
          Look, Norman, if you poke me one more
          time, I'm going to kick your ass.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          41.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         AARON

                         (WHISPERS LOUDLY)
          What the hell is going on?!

                         NORMAN

                         (WHISPERS)
          She stole my parking space!

                         AARON
          (whispers to Norman)
          Stole your parking space?!. My
          father's dead! Act right.
          Reverend Davis looks at them then continues her speech.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          ."Then Jonathan and David made a
          covenant, because he loved him as his
          own soul..."
          As she speaks, Norman looks at his wrist, worried. The woman
          sitting next to him smacks his wrist down.
          ANGLE ON: Elaine looks at Jeff who watches Oscar. Oscar is
          fidgeting and looking worried.
          ANGLE ON: Aaron and Michelle. Aaron looks worried.

          REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
          ."And Jonathan stripped himself of
          the robe that was upon him, and gave
          it to David, and his garments, even to
          his sword and to his bow, and to his
          girdle."
          ANGLE ON: Oscar is laughing. Elaine tries to control him.

          REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
          And now we'll have a few words from
          Edward's son, Aaron. Ryan's older
          brother.
          ANGLE ON: Aaron as he gathers himself. Michelle gives Aaron a
          supportive squeeze of the arm. Aaron looks over and sees Frank
          staring at him.
          ANGLE ON: Uncle Russell.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? This
          is bullshit.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          42.

                         CONTINUED: (3)
          Aaron arrives at the front and looks out across the expectant
          crowd. He's extremely nervous.

                         AARON
          Good afternoon, everyone.
          (his voice cracks)
          Thank you for coming... I never
          realized Dad was so popular. It looks
          like he's got more friends now that
          he's dead.
          Blank faces stare back at Aaron. Cynthia looks pained.
          Everyone is silent except for Oscar who laughs loudly. Elaine
          silences him with a look. Aaron composes himself and pulls his
          notes out.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          My father was an exceptional man... He
          was born in 1938. He grew up in
          Alabama on a farm. He loved to take
          long walks in the woods with his close
          friend, Bobby. He told me how they
          spent their summer days riding their
          bikes through the fields and swimming
          in the lake.
          As Aaron speaks, Reverend Davis looks concerned because the
          eulogy is so bad. She looks to Ryan who looks like "what can I
          do?"
          Jeff looks more concerned with Oscar, whose face is contorted
          with pain. He looks like he's going to burst.
          ANGLE ON: Aaron.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Dad's first job was working after
          school as an assistant to an
          electrician named Mr. Thompson. Back
          then, Blacks weren't allowed to wear
          rubber gloves. So my father got
          shocked a lot. Because of that, he
          had no feeling in his fingertips. I
          asked my Dad what his first boss was
          like...
          The drugs have gotten the best of Oscar. He suddenly grabs
          Elaine's arm. Aaron keeps talking.

                         OSCAR
          Did you just see that?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          43.

                         CONTINUED: (4)

                         ELAINE
          See what?

                         OSCAR
          The coffin just moved.

                         ELAINE
          What?

                         OSCAR
          I'm telling you I saw it move.
          Aaron becomes vaguely aware of the disturbance, but battles on
          with his eulogy.

                         AARON
          .He said he was a nice man, and
          surprisingly well dressed. When Dad
          was eighteen, he left home after an
          argument with his father. He never
          told me what that argument was about,
          but I do know that after leaving South
          Carolina, sadly he and Bob lost touch
          and never saw each other again. Dad
          went to college where he studied
          accounting, a decision which lead to a
          career in corporate finance... But
          his real passion was for the arts,
          with a particular fondness for
          theatre, dance and musicals. He was a
          charter member of the Negro Ensemble
          Company and contributed regularly to
          the Alvin Ailey School of Dance.
          Oscar's protests are getting louder. Duncan looks back at the
          disruption with a disapproving glare. Elaine looks at Jeff who
          watches, concerned.

                         OSCAR
          There, look. It happened again.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, please-
          People start looking at Oscar, who's becoming increasingly
          vocal, and looking increasingly like someone on acid.

                         OSCAR
          That coffin's moving!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          44.

                         CONTINUED: (5)

                         ELAINE

                         (WHISPERS)
          Oscar. Just calm down.
          Aaron looks over to Oscar.

                         OSCAR

                         (SHOUTS)
          The coffin's moving!
          Michelle looks worried. Cynthia watches silently. Oscar jumps
          up. Aaron stops the eulogy. Elaine is about to die from
          embarrassment.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          There's someone alive in there!

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, please sit down.
          Oscar ignores her and walks purposefully towards the coffin.
          People watch him in astonishment, including Jeff.

                         OSCAR
          What the hell is wrong with you
          people?!
          Oscar approaches the coffin as Aaron steps off the dais. Elaine
          tries to hold Oscar back, but she can't.

                         ELAINE

                         (PANICKED)
          Oscar, where are you going?

                         AARON
          What are you doing?

                         OSCAR
          There's someone moving in there.
          Can't you see?
          Oscar tries to open the coffin. Aaron and Elaine try to
          restrain him, but can't. A tussle begins. Ryan jumps in to
          help.

                         RYAN
          What the hell is wrong with you?!

                         ELAINE
          Ryan, no!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          45.

                         CONTINUED: (6)
          Elaine attempts to grab Ryan. Duncan stands up and tries to
          help.

                         DUNCAN
          Get away from there!

                         OSCAR
          No, I have to show you! He's alive!
          He's alive!
          The scene descends into absolute chaos with people pushing and
          struggling. Finally, the coffin falls off the platform and tips
          over.
          The dead body of Edward rolls out onto the floor at the feet of
          Cynthia. Cynthia screams.
          Aaron freezes in shock. Michelle takes Cynthia through the
          kitchen. The living room is left in chaos.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - MOMENTS LATER

          Elaine drags Oscar out the back. Jeff follows.

          INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

          Cynthia, in tears, enters accompanied by Aaron, Michelle and
          Reverend Davis.

                         MICHELLE
          It's alright, Cynthia. It's alright.
          She sits in a chair crying uncontrollably. Aaron is so angry,
          he just marches out.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Some MEN grab the body and put it back in the coffin. Aaron
          comes out of the kitchen and heads to the back yard. As they
          put the coffin back on the stand, Ryan addresses the crowd.

                         RYAN
          Please let me extend my apologies to
          you all. I understand the incident
          you just witnessed was quite shocking,
          but everything will be... returned...
          to it's proper place. Please enjoy
          the refreshments, and we'll call you
          when we're ready to continue.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          46.

                         CONTINUED:

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          It wouldn't have happened if Ryan had
          done the eulogy.
          Aaron exits through the garden door.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY

          Aaron storms out to Elaine who is trying to comfort Oscar. He's
          looking very disturbed. Jeff is also there, looking guilty.

                         AARON
          Elaine, what the hell was that?!

                         ELAINE
          I'm so sorry, Aaron.

                         AARON
          Oh, okay. My dead father's sprawled
          out on the living room floor, but it's
          okay, you're sorry.

                         OSCAR
          But the coffin was moving.

                         ELAINE
          Please, Aaron. Go back inside. I'll
          explain later.
          An annoyed and confused Aaron turns and walks back to the house.
          He's almost to the door when Michelle arrives.

                         MICHELLE

                         AARON--

                         AARON
          No, I haven't made the call about the
          down payment yet.

                         MICHELLE
          I wasn't going to say that.

                         AARON
          No I'm not going to have sex with you.

                         MICHELLE
          I wasn't going to say that.

                         AARON
          What were you going to say?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          47.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MICHELLE

                         (WEAKLY)
          Hi.
          He goes inside leaving Michelle standing there. Duncan comes
          out and heads for Oscar.

                         DUNCAN
          I'll kill him!
          Elaine tries to keep Duncan away from Oscar, who is stressed
          enough and looks terrified.

                         ELAINE
          Dad, leave it alone!

                         DUNCAN
          Leave it alone?! He just knocked my
          brother-in-law out of his coffin.

                         ELAINE
          It wasn't his fault.

                         DUNCAN
          Yes it was. My sister is in tears. I
          can't believe you brought this idiot!
          I don't ever want to see him again, do
          you understand me?

                         ELAINE
          I can't do that.

                         DUNCAN
          Why not?

                         ELAINE
          Because we're... moving in together.
          Duncan looks over at Oscar, who looks like he's just seen a
          ghost. He's struggling to stand up straight, with Jeff who's
          doing his best to look after him.

                         DUNCAN
          Are you crazy?

                         ELAINE
          Dad, this isn't actually what he's
          like. He took some drugs and--

                         DUNCAN
          Drugs?! Is he on the pipe?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          48.

                         CONTINUED: (2)
          Jeff looks over, his eyes pleading with Elaine not to tell on
          him.

                         ELAINE
          No he's not on the pipe. He took some
          Valium and had a.bad reaction.
          Jeff looks grateful.

                         DUNCAN
          Valium?! That's not a Valium high.
          Your mother was on Valium for forty
          years. She never knocked over a
          coffin.

                         ELAINE
          Dad, please.

                         DUNCAN
          I just want to point out that you
          won't see Derek knocking over a
          coffin.

                         ELAINE
          Not right now, Dad.

                         DUNCAN
          Fine. I've got to check on Cynthia,
          but this isn't over.
          Duncan walks back to the house. Elaine walks over to Oscar who
          is hugging a tree.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar.

                         OSCAR
          Elaine.

                         ELAINE
          Come and sit down.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron talks to a mourner. Norman comes up and hugs him.

                         NORMAN
          Are you alright?... That was insane.
          He just fell out the coffin like a
          dead fish. I guess its not much of a
          metaphor when you're talking about a
          dead human, but--

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          Death at a Funeral 02/6/0.9 49.

                         CONTINUED:
          Aaron looks at Norman.

                         AARON
          Norman, please.

                         NORMAN
          Oh yeah... Sorry. It's just that you
          never know when it's your time. Like,
          I have this weird thing on my wrist.
          I've had it for a few weeks now. I
          don't know what it is--

                         AARON
          Why don't you show it to my Uncle
          Duncan? He's a doctor.

                         NORMAN
          He is? Great. Thanks.
          Norman walks off toward the kitchen. He passes Uncle Russell
          and Ryan talking to Martina.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          I read your last book, "Black Hurt."

                         RYAN
          Good, good. Thanks a lot.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          I'm not giving you a compliment you
          arrogant bastard. What a load of
          bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with
          it.
          Ryan leads Martina away from Uncle Russell.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY

          Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are standing together.

                         OSCAR
          I swear it was moving. I must be
          losing my mind...
          (looks at his hands)
          Why are my hands so big?!

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, listen to me. I need to tell
          you something...
          Elaine sits him down on the bench.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          50.

                         CONTINUED:

                         OSCAR
          What is it?

                         ELAINE
          Now... You remember I gave you some
          Valium earlier?

                         OSCAR
          Yes.

                         ELAINE
          Well it turns out that it wasn't
          actually Valium.
          Oscar just looks at Elaine. Jeff slinks off into the
          background.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Can you hear me?

                         OSCAR

                         (YELLS)
          Hello?

          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          Cynthia is being comforted by her friends and Duncan. Norman
          enters and beckons Duncan over to the side.

                         NORMAN
          Hello, Doctor, I know this is a bad
          time, but I've got this thing on my
          hand. I've had it for weeks now...
          Duncan is looking at Norman incredulously.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          What do you think it is?
          Cynthia stands up.

                         CYNTHIA
          Duncan, I'm going back now.
          She exits. Reluctantly, Duncan answers Norman.

                         DUNCAN
          You should probably go see a
          dermatologist.
          He turns to follow his sister out, but Norman pulls him back.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          51.

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN
          Really? Why? What do you think it
          is?

                         DUNCAN
          I don't know. It looks like some kind
          of pigment mutation.
          Duncan walks further out of the room.

                         NORMAN
          Pigment mutation?!
          Duncan turns again.

                         DUNCAN
          You're probably just allergic to
          something. Maybe from shellfish,
          nuts...
          Duncan heads further out of the room, but Norman won't give up.

                         NORMAN
          Nuts? What kind of nuts?
          Duncan turns around again.

                         DUNCAN
          I don't know. Pecans? Peanuts?...
          Excuse me.
          Duncan finally exits, leaving Norman looking shocked and
          terrified.

                         NORMAN

                         (TO HIMSELF)
          A pigment mutation?

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY

          Elaine is trying to explain to Oscar.

                         ELAINE
          Do you understand? Hallucinogenic.
          Oscar recoils. He turns to Jeff.

                         JEFF
          Yeah, now, the best thing to do is
          relax and just go with the flow. Try
          and enjoy it.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          52.

                         CONTINUED:
          Oscar stands up, panicked and grabs Jeff by the lapels. We see
          the bottle of "Valium" falls out of his pocket.

                         OSCAR
          You!

                         ELAINE
          Oscar!
          She tries to pull him off Jeff.

                         OSCAR
          How long does it last?

                         JEFF
          I don't know... eight hours?

                         OSCAR
          Eight hours?! Of this?!!

                         ELAINE
          Oscar let go.
          She pulls him off Jeff.
          ANGLE ON: Derek watching from the window.

                          OSCAR
           I'm going to be sick.
          ANGLE ON: Derek smoothing his hair seeing his opportunity.
          ANGLE ON: Oscar runs inside. Elaine follows with Jeff in tow.

                          ELAINE
           Oscar! Come back.
          They head into the house.

          INT. BACK DOOR - DAY

          Derek has been looking at Elaine outside and waiting for his
          moment. Elaine comes rushing in following Oscar.

                         DEREK
          Oh, hi, Elaine. You following me?
          She just runs right past, then Jeff rushes past following
          Elaine. Oscar pushes through people.

                         ELAINE
          Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          53.

                         CONTINUED:
          Elaine grabs Oscar and leads him to the stairs.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Excuse me. He's going to be sick.
          They head up the stairs with Jeff following.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY

          Elaine rounds the corner and leads Oscar to the bathroom.
          goes in and shuts the door behind him.

          INT. BATHROOM - DAY

          Oscar is building up quite a sweat and mumbling to himself. He
          catches his reflection in the mirror and SCREAMS! Elaine opens
          the door.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar.
          Oscar grabs the hair-dryer and wields it like a gun.

                         OSCAR
          Stand back!

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, put down the dryer.

                         OSCAR
          Get back or I'll blow your head off.
          Oscar backs Elaine out of the bathroom.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, please--
          Oscar shuts the door and locks it.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME

          Elaine is pressed against the door.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, are you okay?
          She tries to open the door, but it's locked. Jeff walks up
          checking his pockets.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Oscar, let me in.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          54.

                         CONTINUED:
          Jeff realizes he lost the pill bottle.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Oscar. Oscar?

                         JEFF
          Uh... Elaine... I can't find the pill
          bottle?
          But Elaine is too busy to hear.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar! Open the door.
          Jeff looks at the floor as he leaves.

          INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME

          Oscar is talking to himself in the mirror.

                         OSCAR
          Okay. Breathe.

                         (HE DOES)
          It's going to be okay. Breathe.
          You're and investment banker. You've
          handled mergers for billion dollar
          companies. You can do this. Dead
          bodies don't move. They don't move.
          But that body was moving. It was
          moving.
          Then he slaps himself.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          Snap out of it! You can handle this.
          You can do this.
          He runs the tap and splashes some water on his face.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          Alright. You're okay. Stay calm...
          Stay calm...
          Oscar is still staring at himself in the mirror.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          That's it, Oscar, keep it together.
          K.I.T. Keep it together. K.I.T.
          Keep it together. Everything's going
          to be fine. Nothing moved. Dead
          people don't move. They're stiff.
          They don't move, do they?

                         (MORE)

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          55

                         CONTINUED:

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          (he screams at himself in the

                         MIRROR)

          DO THEY!!!!

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR

          Elaine has her ear pressed against the door. She hears the
          scream.

          INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME


                         OSCAR
          Easy now. Easy now. We can do this.
          A few hours. That's nothing. No
          sweat. I mean you've already been in
          here for...
          He looks at his watch.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          Where's my watch?!
          He sees it's on the other wrist.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          Oh!
          He checks the time.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          It's already been...

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME

          Elaine continues to knock on the door.

                         ELAINE
          Open the door. Oscar.

          INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME

          Oscar finally gets a read on his watch.

                         OSCAR
          Five minutes.
          Suddenly the pressure of. the situation overtakes him.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          God damn! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          56.

          INT. DOWNSTAIRS'- SAME TIME

          As the screaming and cursing goes on upstairs, Aaron approaches
          a mourner who looks concerned.

          OSCAR (O.S.)
          Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

                         AARON
          It's alright.
          Aaron turns around not knowing what to do.

          FRANK (O.S.)
          Grief does strange things to people.
          Aaron looks at him a little freaked out by his sudden
          appearance.

                         AARON
          I guess so.

                         FRANK
          If you remember, I have something to
          talk to you about.

                         AARON
          Oh yeah.

                         FRANK
          Is there somewhere private we could
          go?

                         AARON
          Sure.
          They walk away. The screaming continues as Jeff, frantically,
          but slowly comes down the stairs re-tracing his steps and
          searching around for his lost bottle of pills.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Frank and Aaron enter. Frank looks around the room a little
          grief stricken himself. Aaron walks to the desk as Frank
          touches some mementoes he clearly remembers.
          Frank takes out his glasses and notices a manuscript on the desk
          with Aaron's name.

                         FRANK
          Are you writing a novel?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          57.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          Uh... yeah.
          Aaron takes the manuscript and moves it away.

                         FRANK
          Like your big brother.

                         AARON
          Actually I'm the oldest. I was
          writing before.he was. I've had a few
          pieces published in the New Yorker.
          But now I'm mainly teaching.

                         FRANK
          Oh. Well, you must be very proud of
          your brother then. Getting all his
          novels published.
          Aaron decides to move the conversation on.

                         AARON
          So anyway. What did you want to talk
          about?
          He motions for Frank to take a seat and sits across from him.

                         FRANK
          Your father and I were very... close.

                         AARON
          Yeah. Okay. That's good.

                         FRANK
          And we spent a lot of time together.

                         AARON
          Yeah, well Dad was a fun guy.
          Frank takes an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket and
          takes some photos from the envelope.

                         FRANK
          Um... I've got some photos I want to
          show you.

                         AARON
          Sure.
          Frank passes the first photo.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          58.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         FRANK
          That's me and your Dad in Central Park
          in New York.
          Aaron looks at the photo curiously.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)
          That's us on Santa Monica Boulevard on
          Halloween...
          Aaron takes the next one, becoming more suspicious.

                         AARON
          So, where did you and my dad meet?

                         FRANK
          Just around.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY

          Elaine is outside the bathroom banging on the door. We can
          still hear Oscar moaning inside.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar. Are you alright?

          INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME

          Oscar is laying in the bathtub. He has his head under the
          faucet with his mouth open. A drip falls into his mouth.

                         OSCAR
          Ahhh.
          He smacks his lips together and then opens his mouth and waits
          for the next drop.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Aaron is sitting with Frank. Frank passes him another photo.

                         FRANK
          That's one of me and your father going
          to the premiere of "Dreamgirls". I
          was dressed as Deena and your father
          had to be Effie.
          Aaron looks at the photo of them dressed in drag.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          59.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          So... I mean you have all these
          pictures, but he never said anything
          about you. This is the first I'm

                         SEEING OF--
          Frank gives Aaron a knowing look.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          How did you know my father?
          Aaron looks around the room. There is a copy of "People
          Magazine" sexiest men issue on the table. He sees figurines of
          male ballet dancers. It's getting clearer. He sees three
          Robert Mapplethorpe photos on the wall. There's a signed Kathy
          Griffin 8x10. Frank looks around waiting for him to get it.
          Aaron looks at a framed movie poster for Australia with Hugh
          Jackman. Aaron looks back at the picture. He gets it.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Oh God...
          Aaron jumps up and closes the study door.

                         FRANK
          Are you really that shocked?
          Frank gestures around the room.

                         AARON
          I had no idea.

                         FRANK
          I'm sorry. I'm sure he would have
          eventually told you, but I guess he
          wasn't sure how you'd react.
          Aaron shakes in disgust.

                         AARON
          Uugg. Like this.
          Aaron gathers his senses. He has a thought and turns to Frank.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Does my mother know?

                         FRANK
          No. And there's no reason why she
          should... Just as long as I get
          what's owed to me.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          60.

                         CONTINUED: (2)
          A long pause. Aaron looks over at Frank.

                         AARON
          "What's owed to you"?

          FRANK .
          Well, obviously I should get
          something... I mean, your dad and I
          were lovers, and he left me absolutely
          nothing in his will. How do you think
          that makes me feel?
          Aaron fails to respond, because he's in too much shock.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)
          I'll tell you how it makes me feel
          cheap. Like some cheap piece of
          ass... I mean, I'm entitled to
          something.

                         AARON
          What do you want?

                         FRANK
          What I want is a lot, but I'm not
          asking you for what I want. I deserve
          thirty thousand dollars.

                         AARON
          Thirty thousand dollars?! I can't
          just give you thirty thousand dollars.
          My wife and I are trying to have kids--

                         FRANK
          Your father told me you were having
          trouble...

                         (BEAT)
          Look, your father promised to take
          care of me, and I made sacrifices to
          keep him happy.
          Aaron gets angry.

                         AARON
          You think you can come in here,
          slander my father's name and show me a
          few photos of you and my dad dressed
          up going to see "Dreamgirls"? I saw
          "Dreamgirls" twice. I'm not gay.
          That's not proof of anything...
          "Steppin' to the bad side / Gonna take
          a mean ride."

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          61.

                         CONTINUED: (3)
          Aaron grabs Frank and pushes him against the wall.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          I'm not giving you anything but a--
          Frank pulls out another photo and holds it up to Aaron's face.
          Aaron,releases Frank and snatches the picture.

                         FRANK
          Now I don't want to, but I will show
          these photos to your mother... Do you
          really want me to do that today?

                         AARON
          Wait here.
          He exits the study.

          INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY

          Aaron closes the study door behind him and almost bumps into two
          male mourners.

          MIDDLE AGED MAN
          Aaron, I was just telling George here
          how when we were boys together your
          dad used to love to make us all go
          skinny dipping.
          Aaron just stares at them. Then he moves toward the living
          room.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - BUFFET - DAY

          Aaron crosses the living room which is full of people mingling
          around. He's gone pale.

                         AARON

                         (TO HIMSELF)
          Oh God, oh God, oh God...
          He's looking around for Ryan, but there's no sign-. -Michelle
          watches Aaron walk around the room.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR SAME TIME

          Elaine is banging on the bathroom door.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar. Open the door.
          Derek arrives behind her and leans in close.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          62.

                         CONTINUED:

                         DEREK
          Anything I can do to help?

                         ELAINE
          Not really, thanks.
          Derek moves over to face her and leans his arm on the door very
          coolly.

                         DEREK
          I guess you've got it under control.
          Elaine ignores him and continues banging on the door.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar?
          Anguished noises emanate from the bathroom.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Oscar! Open the door.

                         DEREK
          So what are you doing after the
          funeral? I've got Maxwell tickets.

                         ELAINE
          Look... I'm busy. I don't have time
          for your shit. Now get the hell away
          from me!
          Derek looks hurt and storms off.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Oscar!

          INT. BACK OF KITCHEN - DAY

          Ryan is talking to Martina.

                         RYAN
          .so you've never been to New York?

                         MARTINA
          I've been with my parents once.

                         RYAN
          Oh, that's not really seeing New York.
          You have to come visit me. When's
          your birthday?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          63.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MARTINA
          I turn eighteen next month.

                         RYAN
          Great. All star weekend is in New
          York this year.

                         MARTINA
          I know. I know.
          Aaron approaches.

                         AARON
          Ryan, I need to talk to you.

                         RYAN
          Not now, Aaron.

                         AARON
          It's important.

                         RYAN
          Give me five minutes.
          Aaron pulls him away.

          INT. GARAGE - DAY

          Aaron pulls Ryan into the garage and closes the door.

                         RYAN
          What are you doing? What is it?
          Aaron lowers his voice.

                         AARON
          That guy that was here before, that we
          didn't recognize...

                         RYAN
          The guy in the leather jacket?

                         AARON
          Yeah.

                         RYAN
          What about him?
          Aaron lowers his voice further.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          64

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          Well, I was just with him in the
          study, and... and he showed me some
          pictures...

                         RYAN
          So? He showed you some picture?
          What's wrong with that? I'm busy...

                         AARON
          Pictures of him and Dad together at
          the premiere of "Dreamgirls".
          Ryan's face is blank. It's not registering.

                         RYAN
          Look, is this going anywhere, Aaron?

                         AARON
          Ryan, he was Dad's lover!

                         RYAN
          What? No, no, no.

                         AARON
          The guy in the leather jacket just
          showed me pictures of him and Dad
          together.

                         RYAN
          No, no, no. I don't believe that. My
          father is not gay. I've known him my
          whole life. And he's the most non-gay
          man I've ever met. Matter fact, he's
          so straight he makes me seem gay. And
          I know I'm not gay--
          Aaron pulls out the picture.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          Uugg.

                         AARON
          Uugg. I know.

                         RYAN/AARON
          Uugg/Uugg.
          Aaron nods.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          65.

          INT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME

           Norman and Derek are sitting at the table. Norman is looking at
          his wrist.

                         DEREK
          How can she be more interested in that
          idiot than me? Women. They don't
          know what they want!
          Norman's still examining his arm.

                         NORMAN
          It sounds serious, doesn't it?

                         DEREK
          What?

                         NORMAN
          A pigment mutation.
          Derek gives Norman a disparaging look. Norman picks up some
          cake and takes a bite.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          Ooh, will you try this cake? I think
          it might have nuts in it.

                         DEREK
          So?

                         NORMAN
          (shows his wrist)
          So?... Aaron's uncle says I might be
          allergic to nuts...

                         DEREK
          Then don't eat nuts. Put the cake
          down.

                         NORMAN
          I can't not eat the cake. That's what
          I do when I'm stressed. I eat cake.

                         DEREK
          I bet you won't eat it when your arm
          falls off.
          Norman sniffs the cake.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          66.

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN
          Will you just try it and tell me if
          there's nuts in it?

                         DEREK
          No.

                         NORMAN
          Come on.

                         DEREK
          I don't want to.

                         NORMAN
          Just do me a favor--
          Norman is pushing the cake towards Derek's mouth.

                         DEREK
          Get away from me.
          Derek gets up and walks off, leaving Norman spitting out the
          cake.
          From under the table, Jeff pops up.

                         JEFF
          You haven't seen a pill bottle around,
          have you? A Valium pill bottle?

                         NORMAN
          No. But can you try this--
          Jeff smiles nervously and goes back to his search on the floor.
          Jeff slides across the floor past Uncle Russell sitting at the
          other end of the table. An OLDER LADY turns to Russell.

                         OLDER LADY
          Edward and I watched the Tony Awards
          every year. We would get all dressed
          up and sip cocktails. I'm going to
          miss him so much.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Don't worry. The way you look, you
          won't be far behind.
          The mourner looks shocked. Jeff continues his search along the
          floor.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          67.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY

          Cynthia is sitting quietly with Duncan.

                         DUNCAN
          I'm sure we'll start soon.
          He looks toward the house and sees Norman exit. Duncan wants to
          avoid him.

                         DUNCAN (CONT'D)

                         (TO CYNTHIA)
          Let's go inside.

                         CYNTHIA
          In a moment.
          Duncan gets up and heads toward the house. He passes Norman.

                         NORMAN
          Doctor, I just have a--
          Duncan doesn't stop, leaving Norman holding his wrist. Norman
          looks over and sees Cynthia. He sits next to her.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry... you know... about... you
          know...

                         CYNTHIA
          Thank you. I'll be alright. I know
          he's watching over me.

                         NORMAN
          You think so?' I mean, there are a lot
          of fine ones up in heaven. Anna
          Nicole Smith's dead too, you know.
          might be watching over her.
          Norman sits next to Cynthia.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          Death is a terrible thing... Did you
          check to make sure he.was wearing
          shoes? I hear they steal the shoes.
          And I hope you took off his ring,
          'cause if it's worth anything, someone
          is going to take that, too.
          Cynthia stares at Norman.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          68.

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          Before he died, did he have a rash?
          She gets up and exits. Norman notices Jeff's pill bottle on the
          ground. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket.

          INT. KITCHEN - LATER

          The camera closes in on the closed garage door. We hear hushed
          voices.

          INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS


                         AARON
          You don't understand. If we don't
          give him the money, he's going to show
          Mom the picture.

                         RYAN
          Okay. Let me think, let me think.
          Ryan is trying to come up with a solution.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          I think you should pay him the money.

                         AARON
          What do you mean, you think I should
          pay him the money? Where the hell is
          all your money?

                         RYAN
          I'm in debt up to my ass. I'm broke,
          man!

                         AARON
          So after paying for the funeral, the
          clothes, the catering... Now I'm
          supposed to shell out thirty thousand
          dollars? He's your father, too.

                         RYAN
          You're the oldest. Besides, you've
          been living off Mom and Dad long
          enough. You must have some money
          saved. You haven't paid rent in two
          years.

                         AARON
          I have not been living off of them...
          I've been living with them.

                         (MORE)

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          69.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          No I haven't paid rent, but Dad hasn't
          worked in five years. Who do you
          think has been paying all the bills?

                         RYAN
          Well if you've got money problems and
          I've got money problems, what can we
          do? Fuck him!
          Aaron shows Ryan the photo again.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          You've got to pay him.

          INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME

          Oscar is sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper.

                         OSCAR
          Yes, yes. Keep coming. Join the
          others. Join the others.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME

          Elaine leans against the door.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar?

           OSCAR (O.S.)
          Oscar?

                         ELAINE
          Oscar?
          She tries the door. It's still locked.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)
          Oscar?

          OSCAR (O.S.)
          Oscar?

                         ELAINE
          Oscar.

          OSCAR (O.S.)
          Oscar.

                         ELAINE
          Os...

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          70.

                         CONTINUED:

          OSCAR (O.S.)
          .car.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - SAME TIME

          Jeff frantically searches the bushes where Oscar pushed him,
          looking for the pill bottle. He finds nothing.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          Uncle Russell is creating havoc at the buffet table. He's
          pushing people aside and poking them with his cane.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Are you alright?

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          No, my nephew is dead and these
          bastards ate all the potato salad.
          Nearby mourners look appalled. The reverend looks over and sees
          Aaron and Ryan coming down the kitchen corridor. She approaches
          them.

          INT. KITCHEN CORRIDOR - DAY

          Reverend Davis appears in front of Aaron and Ryan.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Ah! I think we're just about ready to
          start the service, so-

                         AARON
          Would you mind giving us five minutes?

                         REVEREND DAVIS

                         (NOT HAPPY)
          Of course.

                         AARON
          Thanks.
          Aaron walks off followed by Ryan. He passes Michelle, who's
          sitting on the couch. She stands up.

                         MICHELLE
          Is everything okay?

                         AARON
          No. I'm really sorry, honey, but
          buying a condo is going to have to be
          put on hold, just for now.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          71.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MICHELLE
          What are you talking about? Why?

                         AARON
          Babe, you know I wouldn't do this
          unless I had a good reason.

                         MICHELLE
          What's the reason?

                         AARON
          I haven't got time right now, please.
          I'll explain later.

                         MICHELLE

                         BUT--
          Aaron walks off to join Ryan, who's at the door of the study.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Frank is reading Aaron's manuscript. Ryan and Aaron enter.

                         RYAN

                         (TO FRANK)
          You? So you and my--. You?! It's
          you. So when I called my father and
          he didn't answer, he was with you?!
          Aaron realizes what Frank is reading.

                         AARON
          Hey, hey, hey!
          Aaron rushes over and takes the manuscript away from Frank.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          What are you doing with my
          manuscript?! It's not ready.
          He puts it in the desk.

                         FRANK
          Well, you left it on a coffee table.

                         AARON
          What's that supposed to mean?

                         FRANK
          Well, when you put things on coffee
          tables, it's assumed it's for
          everybody.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          72.

                         CONTINUED:

                         RYAN
          It kind of is...

                         AARON
          Can we get to the point here?

                         FRANK
          Fine by me.
          Aaron is now extremely irritated. He exchanges a look with Ryan
          confirming that there's no other way out.

                         AARON

                         (TO FRANK)
          If I write this check, then that's it.
          You give us the photos and stay away
          from our mother. Deal?

                         FRANK
          Deal.
          Aaron sits down at the desk and reluctantly takes out his check
          book. He starts writing.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)

                         (TO AARON)
          Is it your first one?
          Aaron stops writing and looks up at him.

                         AARON
          What?

                         FRANK
          The novel... it's a first draft?

                         AARON
          Yeah. So?

                         FRANK
          No, nothing.
          Aaron continues to write the check.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)
          I tried writing once... Didn't work
          for me, either. I think it's just a
          gift. You either have it or you
          don't... It must be hard for you
          though, especially since your younger
          brother is such a great writer.

                         (TO RYAN)

                         (MORE)

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          73

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                          FRANK (CONT'D)
          Your father and I read "Black Hurt"
          together. Truly amazing. We loved
          it. He was so proud of you.

                         RYAN
          Thanks... I guess...
          Aaron rips the check into little pieces.

                         AARON
          That's it. I can't do it.

                         RYAN
          Aaron, what are you doing?

                         AARON
          There's no way in the world I'm giving
          him my hard earned money.

                         RYAN
          Don't be stupid. Not today. I'll pay
          you back as soon as my money comes in.

                         AARON
          He comes in today! Of all days, he
          picks the day of my father's funeral!
          Who the hell is he?

                         RYAN
          He has the pictures!

                         AARON
          So what. Who cares what he's got.
          Let him show the world. Put it on
          facebook. I don't care.

                         RYAN

                         AARON-

                         AARON
          Let's just get it over with.
          There's a long pause as everyone seems to be deciding what to
          do. Finally, Frank stands up.

                         FRANK
          Fine. This is on your head.
          Frank heads towards the door.

                         RYAN
          What? No, wait.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          74.

                         CONTINUED: (3)
          Ryan rushes to stand in front of the door, blocking Frank's

                         EXIT

                         FRANK
          Get out of my way.

                         RYAN
          Let's just discuss this a minute.

                         FRANK
          There's nothing to discuss.
          Frank grabs the door and tries to open it.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)
          Get out of my way.
          He tries to push past, but Ryan covers his mouth, muffling his
          cries.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)

                         (MUFFLED)
          Get out of my way. Move!
          Ryan restrains Frank.

          INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

          A few mourners hear the commotion and the muffled voices. They
          turn to look.

          INT. STUDY - SAME TIME

          Ryan grabs Frank and wrestles him to the ground. Aaron watches,
          absolutely shocked as Ryan and Frank roll around on the floor.
          Aaron jumps up and stands between them and the door.

                         AARON
          Ryan, what are you doing?

                         FRANK
          Get off me!
          Ryan is trying to muffle Frank's screams.

                         RYAN
          Aaron, help me!
          Ryan is holding Frank down and trying to keep him quiet.

                         FRANK
          Ah!!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          75.

                         CONTINUED:

                         RYAN
          Aaron, you got any rope or duct tape?

                         AARON
          What?! I'm not a serial killer. I
          don't keep rope and duct tape in my
          pocket.

                         RYAN
          Well just grab something!
          (indicating with his head)
          There, from the curtains.
          Aaron grabs the cord that's tied around the curtains. He holds
          it over the wrestling duo, but Ryan's hands are occupied with
          Frank.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          Tie his legs.
          Aaron grabs his legs and in doing so falls on top of Frank as
          well. As he wraps the curtain cord around Frank's legs...

                         AARON
          This is a really bad idea.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY

          Elaine leans against the wall listening as Oscar hums in the
          bathroom. She slides down the wall and sits on the floor.

          EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME

          From a rooftop POV we see the window slide open and Oscar,
          dripping with sweat and not wearing a shirt, lean out. He takes
          a deep breath of fresh air and listens to the birds.
          He climbs out the window revealing he's completely naked. He
          stands on-the roof and lifts his hands to the sky.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME

          Michelle comes up and sits next to Elaine.

                         MICHELLE
          Men.

                         ELAINE
          Tell me about it... How's Aaron?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          76.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MICHELLE
          How would I know? He's been avoiding
          me all day. We're trying to get
          pregnant. But I can't really do that
          by myself, can I? I feel like I'm
          making him eat brussel sprouts every
          time we do it.
          Elaine looks at her.

                         ELAINE
          The guy's father just died. Don't you
          think this is a bad day for sex?

                         MICHELLE
          Don't you think I know that?

                         ELAINE
          I'm sorry. At least your husband
          didn't ruin the funeral.

                         MICHELLE
          It's a funeral, it's already ruined.
          When you start off with a dead guest
          of honor, how much worse can it get?

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Ryan and Aaron struggle with Frank, who's muffled cries are
          starting to fade.

                         RYAN
          Get that tie.
          Aaron grabs the necktie from off the desk.

                         AARON
          What am I supposed to do with the tie?

                         RYAN
          Whatever you do with a tie.

                         AARON
          I don't know what to--

                         RYAN
          Just stuff it in his mouth! Damn,
          I have to do everything?

                         AARON
          Apparently everything but write a damn
          check.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          77.

                         CONTINUED:
          Suddenly the door opens and Norman enters.

                         NORMAN
          Aaron, do you know what was in this
          cake, I-
          ANGLE ON: Frank who looks at Norman bug eyed hoping he'll help.

                         RYAN
          Shut the goddamn door!
          Shocked, Norman does as he's told. It takes Norman a moment to
          register that Aaron and Ryan are sitting on top of Frank.
          Frank continues screaming through the cloth.

                         NORMAN
          What is going on? Who is that guy?
          Ryan thinks quickly.

                         RYAN
          He's having a seizure.

                         NORMAN
          I just found some Valium outside.
          Would that help?

                         RYAN
          Yeah. Great. Give him some.
          Frank shakes his head "no." Norman gets on his knees with the
          guys and opens the bottle.

                         NORMAN
          It's okay. This should help. calm you
          down.
          Frank tries to protest, but can't. Ryan holds Frank's mouth
          open as Aaron holds his nose closed. Norman pours a few pills
          into Frank's mouth, then Ryan holds Frank's mouth shut.
          Suddenly the door opens again and Jeff walks in.

                         JEFF
          Have you seen a little brown pill
          bottle lying around--
          They all turn to Jeff. Frank looks at him, hoping this time
          he'll get saved.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          78

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         RYAN
          Norman! I told you to lock the damn
          door.

                         NORMAN
          You said "shut the damn door."
          Jeff locks the door and looks shocked.

                         JEFF
          What's going on?

                         NORMAN
          He's having a seizure.

                         JEFF
          Why is he all tied up?
          No one knows what to say.

          EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME

          Oscar stands on the roof, naked, breathing in the fresh air.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Jeff, Aaron, Ryan and Norman are all kneeling over Frank.

                         JEFF
          He's blackmailing you? Over what?

                         AARON
          If I could tell everybody, it wouldn't
          be blackmail.

                         RYAN
          Look, just trust us. He's the bad
          guy. We'll explain later.

                         NORMAN
          What are you going to do with him?
          Everyonerealizes they have no answer to this question.

                         AARON
          Yeah, Ryan, what are we going to do
          with him?
          Ryan doesn't have any answers.

                         RYAN
          I don't know.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          79.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          You don't know?! Come on, you're the
          big writer. You're the one who came
          up with "Black Hurt." Dream up
          something where we all live happily
          ever after. We can't keep him tied up
          forever. How long do you think those
          Valium are going to last?

                         JEFF
          Valium?

                         NORMAN
          Yeah, I found that bottle of Valium.
          We gave him a few to calm him down.
          Norman hands him the bottle.

                         JEFF
          Ah shit!
          Jeff stands up and heads over to the door.

                         AARON
          What?

                         FRANK

                         (MUFFLED)
          What?
          They all head over to Jeff.
          Frank looks extremely curious to know what's going on. Everyone
          talks very quietly so that Frank can't hear.

                         RYAN
          What is it?

                         JEFF
          The thing is... those pills aren't
          really Valium. It's acid and... acid.

                         AARON
          What?!

                         JEFF
          Oscar took one by mistake. That's why
          he's acting crazy.

                         AARON
          Jeff, what the hell are you doing with
          this stuff?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          80.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         JEFF
          A friend left them at my place.

                         AARON
          What friend, Amy Winehouse?

                         RYAN
          Wait, you're telling us that Elaine's
          boyfriend, who knocked over our
          father's coffin, had just one of these
          things...

                         AARON

                         (TO NORMAN)
          And you gave him how many?
          Norman looks a bit guilty.

                         NORMAN
          Five.

                         JEFF
          Five?!
          (looking at Frank)
          Poor bastard.

                         NORMAN
          I thought they were Valium.
          They all turn and look at Frank who is looking back at them,
          increasingly concerned by whatever conversation they are having,
          and the pitying expressions on their faces.

                         AARON
          Maybe we should call an ambulance.

                         JEFF
          You can't do that. I'll go to jail.

                         RYAN
          He's right. If anyone finds out this
          guy's been force fed acid, we could
          all be arrested.

                         AARON
          So what then? What's going to happen?
          Is he going to die?!

                         JEFF
          No... I don't think so... I doubt
          it.. Probably not...

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          81.

                         CONTINUED: (3)
           The moment is broken by someone trying the door, followed by a
          knock.

           CYNTHIA (O.S.)
          Ryan?

          EXT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

          Cynthia is knocking on the door.

                         CYNTHIA
          Aaron?

          INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS

          They all back away from the door.

          CYNTHIA (O.S.
          Are you in there?
          They look at each other in panic.

                         RYAN
          Damn.

                         AARON
          (as normal as possible)
          Be out in a minute, Mom.
          Ryan looks at Norman and Jeff.

                         RYAN
          (to Norman and Jeff)
          Okay. We have to go out there. You
          two stay in here and watch him.
          Ryan closes the curtains.

                         NORMAN
          Watch him?! What do you mean, "watch
          him"?

                         RYAN
          Just make sure he doesn't escape.
          Lock the door behind us. We'll deal
          with him after the funeral.
          Aaron and Ryan open the study door leaving Norman and Jeff to
          take care of Frank.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          82.

          INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan come outside trying to look as normal as
          possible. They see Cynthia standing with the reverend.

          AARON .
          How's it going, Mom?

                         CYNTHIA
          Reverend Davis wants to talk with you.

          INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman locks the door behind them.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Reverend Davis tries to remain cool, but she's agitated.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Lookie here, brother. I've been
          patient. We all know it's a virtue,
          but I'm about done with patience. Now
          if we don't resume service soon, we're
          going to need to have a little
          conversation about my compensation.

                         AARON
          Sure. So sorry. Um... can you just
          give us another five minutes?
          The reverend doesn't look too pleased.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Five minutes.

                         CYNTHIA
          Is everything okay, boys?
          Ryan and Aaron kiss their mother and walk off.

          INT. GARAGE - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan enter and slam the door.

                         RYAN
          Why didn't you just pay him the
          money?!

                         AARON
          Why did you tie him up?!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          83.

                         CONTINUED:

                         RYAN
          Do you want Mom to find out?!

                         AARON
          What is wrong with you?
          They start to argue.

          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          We hear their muffled argument through the door. Uncle Russell
          rolls up to Derek who is sitting at the kitchen table.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What's your problem?!

                         DEREK
          Women are my problem.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          No such thing as having a woman
          without a problem. If they didn't
          have problems, do you think they'd let
          us touch 'em? Let me tell you
          something about women. Smarter than
          you think they are. But not as smart
          as they think they are.

                         DEREK
          She acts like she doesn't care that I
          exist. I mean how can she not feel
          what I feel?

                         UNCLE RUSSELL

                         (LAUGHS)
          Oh she feels it. She's playing hard
          to get. She wants you to work for it.
          Look, let me tell something about
          women. They want a man who can
          control them. I know they talk all
          this Oprah, Beyonce "single women" BS,
          but what they really want is an old
          school man.

                         DEREK
          Really?

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Listen here, boy. This is what you
          do: you walk up to her, slap her--

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          84.

                         CONTINUED:

                         DEREK
          Slap her? You want me to hit her?

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Has not hitting her worked? Look,
          then you grab her and kiss her. The
          harder the better.

                         DEREK
          Are you sure, 'cause that--

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Oh, man, I gotta shit. Where's the
          can?
          He rolls away quickly.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Norman and Jeff are sitting in the study. Frank is on the floor
          tied up, breathing heavily and making gurgling sounds.

                         JEFF
          I can't believe you gave him five.
          Even if they were Valium, that's too
          many. I wouldn't give a guy five
          cough drops.
          Suddenly they hear the doorknob rattle. Norman and Jeff both
          look terrified.

                         FRANK

                         (MUFFLED)
          Hello?
          Jeff covers his mouth.

          UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
          Hello?!
          Neither Norman nor Jeff want to speak. They argue in gestures.
          Finally Jeff relents.

                         JEFF
          Hello?

          UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
          I need the toilet.
          Jeff and Norman both look panicked. Norman goes to the door.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          85.

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN
          Can't you use the one upstairs?

          UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
          I'm in a wheelchair, you idiot! How
          am I supposed to get up the stairs?!

                         FRANK

                         (MUFFLED)
          Hello?
          Norman and Jeff look at each other not knowing what to do.

          UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
          Open the damn door!
          Uncle Russell starts banging on the door with his cane.

                         NORMAN
          What are we going to do?
          They look at Frank who's starting to look high as a kite.

                         JEFF
          We'll stick him behind the couch.

                         NORMAN

                         (CALLS OUT)
          Just looking for the key.
          They pick Frank up and dump him behind the couch.
          Jeff stays with Frank to keep him quiet as Norman opens the
          door. Uncle Russell wheels himself inside.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What the hell is wrong with you
          people? I'm about to take a dump in
          my pants!

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY

          Elaine is still standing outside the bathroom.
          Derek comes up to talk to her. Elaine's completely drained and
          stressed.

                         ELAINE
          What do you want, Derek?

                         DEREK
          I just want to talk.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          86.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          Please don't make me go through this
          again.

                         DEREK
          The only reason you don't want to go
          out with me is because your dad likes
          me.

                         ELAINE
          No. The reason I don't want to go out
          with you is because it was a mistake.
          I was drunk off my ass. You could
          have been a donkey.

                         DEREK
          Thanks.

                         ELAINE
          That wasn't a compliment. I'm saying
          I couldn't remember it.

                         DEREK
          Well I remember every minute of it.

                         ELAINE
          A minute, huh? That's why I don't
          remember.

                         DEREK
          What is it about this guy? What has
          he got that I haven't got?

                         ELAINE
          Okay, well for one thing, he's
          responsible. He's caring. He's
          considerate. He's thoughtful. He's
          stable. He's--

          EXT. ROOF - DAY

          Oscar is leaning over the ledge playing with his spit and
          laughing uncontrollably.

          INT. GARAGE DAY

          Aaron and Ryan are still arguing.

                         AARON
          I'm not the one who tied him up.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          87.

                         CONTINUED:

                         RYAN
          Well somebody had to look out for Mom.

                         AARON

                         (INCENSED)
          I've been looking out for Mom since
          you got your book deal.

                         RYAN
          You just can't get over it, can you?
          You're burning with jealousy because I
          left and did what you always wanted to
          do.

                         AARON
          I couldn't leave because I had
          responsibilities.

                         RYAN
          Don't put it off on responsibilities.
          You spent three years on a novel and
          you won't even let anyone see it!
          What are you going to do? Wait until
          you're dead? You think you're going
          to be the Tupac of books?

                         AARON
          At least I'm not some hack writing
          crap. Mr. "Mama's Secret", Mr. "Black
          Hurt."

                         RYAN
          Mr. "Out of Ink", Mr. "Blank Page." At
          least my crap gets published.
          Michelle enters.

                         MICHELLE
          Aaron, what is going on?

                         AARON
          Michelle, please, not now.

                         MICHELLE
          Why are you acting like this? Fine.
          We don't have to have sex today, but
          the condo? Don't you want to get out
          of here?

                         AARON

                         MICHELLE--

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          88.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         RYAN
          Just tell her, Aaron.

                         MICHELLE
          Tell me what?
          Aaron closes the garage door.

                         AARON
          Listen... Do you remember the guy in
          the leather jacket?

                         MICHELLE
          Yeah.

                         AARON
          Well, I don't know how to say this,
          but... it looks like he and my father
          were having sex.

                         MICHELLE
          What? No. Not your father. With
          him?

                         AARON
          Yes.

                         MICHELLE
          No. Your father was the straightest
          guy I know.

                         RYAN
          That's what I thought.

                         MICHELLE
          Are you sure?

                         AARON
          And now he wants thirty thousand
          dollars or he's going to show everyone
          photos of them doing... stuff...

                         MICHELLE
          Stuff like what?
          Aaron and Ryan share a look. Aaron shows Michelle the picture.
          She reacts.

          INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY

          Norman lifts Uncle Russell out of the chair.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          89.

                         CONTINUED:

                          UNCLE RUSSELL
          Hurry up!
          Norman is struggling to hold Uncle Russell up.

          UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D)
          Have you got me?

                         NORMAN
          Yes, I've got you.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Come on, quick, quick, quick.

                         NORMAN
          Alright, I'm trying to see where the
          toilet is.
          He maneuvers Uncle Russell to the toilet.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Pants down. Pants down.

                         NORMAN
          No you do it.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          How can I do it? I'm handicapped.
          Norman reluctantly helps Uncle Russell pull his pants down.

                         NORMAN
          Alright. Alright.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Drawers. Drawers. Take down my
          drawers.

                         NORMAN
          Who calls them "drawers"?
          Norman pulls them down.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          It's all down.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Am I there? Am I there?
          Norman looks and sees Uncle Russell is right over the toilet.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          90.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         NORMAN
          Yes, yes. Just sit down.
          Uncle Russell sits down on the toilet trapping Norman's hand
          underneath and lets loose.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Ooh, that's better.
          Norman pulls his hand out and looks at it in shock.
          ANGLE ON: Norman's hand has shit on the fingers. He starts
          freaking out and screaming.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Jeff hears Norman and jumps up.

          NORMAN (O.S.)
          Ahh!!!
          Jeff goes into the bathroom to see what's going on.

          INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY

          Jeff opens the door and rushes in, but is stopped in his tracks
          by Norman's shitty hand.

                         NORMAN
          Ahh!!!

                         JEFF
          Ugh!
          Norman, panicking, rushes to the sink, turns on the faucet full
          blast and sticks his hand under the water. This causes a great
          splashing.

          INT. STUDY - SAME TIME

          Frank peeks up from behind the couch. He's clearly high. With
          his hands still tied, he struggles to get to his feet.

          INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY

          Norman frantically washes his hands.

                         JEFF
          Norman? Norman?
          Norman still has his face down.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          91

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN
          Please, please. Just come off.

                         JEFF
          Norman!
          Norman turns and we see he has shit splattered on his face.

                         NORMAN
          What?
          Jeff points to his face.

                         JEFF
          You missed some.
          Norman turns slowly and looks in the mirror. He freaks out.

                         NORMAN
          Oh, I think I've got some of it in my
          mouth!
          Norman desperately rushes to wash it off.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Frank is now up on his feet and running around like a rabid
          animal.

          INT. STUDY BATHROOM - SAME TIME

          Jeff pulls Norman up and shakes him.

                         JEFF
          Pull yourself together. Would you
          rather get caught or have shit in your
          mouth?!
          Uncle Russell has fallen asleep on the toilet.

          INT. STUDY - SAME TIME

          Frank is running around the room. Through the door, we see
          Uncle Russell sleeping on the toilet.
          Frank jumps up and down on the sofa. He loses his balance and
          falls on the coffee table head first. He cracks his head on the
          corner and falls straight down.
          Jeff and Norman rush out of the bathroom to find Frank lying on
          the floor motionless, blood on his head.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          92.

                         CONTINUED:

                         NORMAN
          Oh, no. Check him. Check him.

                         JEFF
          Hey, man, you alright?
          No response.

                         NORMAN
          Check him again. Check him.

                         JEFF
          Man. Hey. Hey!

                         NORMAN
          Wake him up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake
          up.

                         JEFF
          What's his name?

                         NORMAN
          I don't know. Try Larry.
          Jeff looks at Norman, but he doesn't have a better idea.

                         JEFF
          Larry?

                         NORMAN
          Shake him.
          Jeff bends down and shakes him.

                         JEFF
          Larry, wake up. It's time to get up.
          From the bathroom, Uncle Russell starts to stir. Norman quickly
          closes the door.

                         NORMAN
          Maybe it's not Larry. Try something
          else. Pinch him.
          Jeff pinches Frank. Still no response.

                         NORMAN (CONT'D)
          He must be breathing. He has to be
          breathing. Please God let him be
          breathing.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          93.

                         CONTINUED: (2)
          Jeff looks concerned. He checks for a pulse. He looks up at
          Norman with an expression that tells us all we need to know.

                         JEFF
          He's dead.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Michelle walks into frame and stops at the coffin. Aaron and.
          Ryan stand on either side of her.

                         MICHELLE
          So that's it? We're just giving him
          all the money we've saved?

                         AARON
          Well, it's not that simple.

                         MICHELLE
          Why not?

                         RYAN
          Aaron refused to pay.

                         MICHELLE
          How come you couldn't pay, Ryan?

                         RYAN
          That's not the point. Besides, the
          only reason Aaron tore up the check is
          because the guy started talking bad
          about his novel.

                         MICHELLE
          Your novel?
          Michelle looks confused.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          You let him read your novel? You
          wouldn't let me read your novel. Are
          you screwing him, too? 'Cause Lord
          knows you're not screwing me.

          INT.HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman comes out of the study and closes the door behindhim.
          He leans against the door, dripping with sweat.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Aaron and Ryan look over and see Norman.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          94.

                         CONTINUED:
          ANGLE ON: Norman as he pastes a maniacal grin on his face and
          crosses into the living room. As he moves through the throng of
          mourners, they are all unnerved by him.

                         NORMAN
          Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Hi.
          The hugesmile never leaves his face.
          ANGLE ON: Ryan, Aaron and Michelle watching Norman, concerned.
          Norman approaches and stands on the other side of the coffin.

                         AARON
          Norman, why are you grinning like
          that?

                         NORMAN
          (to Aaron and Ryan)
          Can you come to the study for a
          second?
          Aaron can see from Norman's face, and the sweat on his forehead,
          that something serious has happened. Then he sees Cynthia
          sitting in the corner.

                         AARON

                         (TO MICHELLE)
          I'll be back soon. Can you check on
          Mom?

                         MICHELLE
          Sure.
          They exit. Michelle crosses to Cynthia.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          Hey, are you doing okay? It's going
          to be alright.

                         CYNTHIA
          If you've never given life, child, how
          can you understand death?

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Jeff is leaning on the window. There's a knock at the door.

          AARON (O.S.)
          It's Aaron.
          Jeff opens the door. Norman, Ryan and Aaron enter. Norman
          locks the door behind them. Aaron rushes over to the body.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          95

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Oh shit! Call an ambulance.

                         JEFF
          There's no point.

                         AARON
          What do you mean "there's no point"?!

                         JEFF
          Look at him! He's dead!

                         AARON
          Dead, dead?

                         RYAN
          Is there a "kind of" dead, Aaron?

                         AARON
          What the hell did you do to him?

                         NORMAN
          We didn't do anything!

                         AARON
          Well he was alive when I left.

                         JEFF
          He hit his head on the table.

                         AARON
          Oh no. This is really bad. This is
          really, really bad.

                         JEFF
          What are we going to do?

                         AARON
          Twenty-five to life.
          Norman looks at his watch.

                         NORMAN
          You know what, I really have to be

                         SOMEPLACE ELSE--
          Norman makes his way to the door.

                         JEFF
          You're not going anywhere.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          96.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         NORMAN
          Look, I'm not the prison type.
          They'll kill me. Oh my God, I'm going
          to die. I'm going to die in prison.
          Oh my God, do you know how fast a rash
          spreads in prison?
          Aaron smacks Norman.

                         AARON
          Pull yourself together!
          Norman calms down.

                         NORMAN
          Thanks, man.
          After a beat, Ryan speaks.

                         RYAN
          Look, no one here knows who this guy
          is. Nobody knows his name. They
          probably didn't even notice him.

                         AARON
          Didn't notice him? He's four fucking
          feet tall.

                         RYAN
          Look, all we have to do is get rid of
          the body. It'll be like he came and
          left.

                         AARON
          Get rid of the body?! It took me two
          months to get rid of a couch.

                         JEFF
          Did any of you happen to notice the
          size of Uncle Edward's coffin?
          Everyone looks at Jeff.

                         AARON

                         (TO JEFF)
          You want to bury him with my father?

                         JEFF
          Why not?... I mean it's not like he's
          going to know.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          97.

                         CONTINUED: (3)

                         AARON
          That's not the point.

                         RYAN
          You have to admit, it makes sense,
          Aaron. The coffin's there, the hole
          in the ground's there... He'll be
          gone, finished, end of story...
          Unless you have a better suggestion.
          Aaron desperately tries to think of an alternative.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY

          Derek and Elaine are sitting in the corridor. Elaine looks
          drained of energy. Derek's smoking a cigarette.

                         DEREK
          It's funny. No matter what you say,
          I'm convinced we'll be together.

                         ELAINE
          Yeah, well, we all make mistakes... I
          used to be convinced I was going to
          marry Prince. What happened there?

                         DEREK
          You still could.

                         ELAINE
          You're an idiot.

                         DEREK
          I'm serious. You only live once. You
          might as well do whatever it is that
          makes you happy.

                         ELAINE
          Yes, but maybe I don't think of life
          anymore as all about me, me, me.
          Maybe I've discovered there's
          something outside of myself that I
          care about. And maybe you should,
          too.
          Derek looks hurt.

                         DEREK
          That's kind of cold. I care about
          you.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          98.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          No, Derek, you care about you. You
          only care about me in relation to how
          I affect you. There's a difference.

                         DEREK
          That's not true, Elaine.

          EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME

          Oscar is squatting down rolling his head around when he hears
          Elaine's voice.

          ELAINE (O.S.)
          Derek, get over yourself.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

          Elaine moves over to the window. Derek follows her.

                         DEREK
          Hey!
          He slaps her on the butt. Elaine whirls around. Derek grabs
          her on the arms.

                         DEREK (CONT'D)
          I'm the man for you, and you're coming
          home with me.
          He kisses her.

          EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS

          Oscar turns to look at the window and sees Derek and Elaine
          kissing.

          INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - LATER

          Elaine pulls away and punches Derek in the face. He staggers
          back and sees Oscar in the window.

                         DEREK
          What is that?!
          Elaine turns around.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          99.

          EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS

          Oscar moves away from the window and further out on the ledge.
          Elaine opens the window and sticks her head out.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar! What are you doing? Get back
          here and put your clothes on right
          now!

                         OSCAR
          I saw you kissing him.

                         ELAINE
          I wasn't kissing him. I swear.
          Please, baby, put your clothes on.
          We're at a funeral!
          Derek sticks his head out the window behind Elaine.

                         OSCAR
          You cheater! You cheater! You're
          committing adultery!!!

                         ELAINE
          Calm down.

                         OSCAR
          I'm going to jump right now.

                         ELAINE
          Remember you've got drugs in you.
          This isn't really happening. Oscar,
          look at me.
          She turns to Derek.

                         ELAINE (CONT'D)

                         (TO DEREK)
          Get out of here!
          She pushes him back inside.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME

          As mourners mill about the lawn we hear:

          OSCAR (O.S.)
          I'm going to jump. I'm jumping.
          You're a cheater!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          100.

                         CONTINUED:
          People gather. around and look up. We only see Oscar from the
          waist up.
          ANGLE ON: Oscar.

                         OSCAR (CONT'D)
          I'm going to jump. She's cheating on
          me!

          ELAINE (O.S.)
          Oscar, please. Come back here.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Ryan, Aaron, Jeff and Norman are as we left them.

                         NORMAN
          There's just no way we can do it.
          It's impossible.
          Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes.

          DEREK (O.S.)
          Norman, it's Derek. Let me in.
          Everyone freezes.

                         RYAN
          Oh shit. Put him in the bathroom.
          Aaron and Jeff drag Frank to the bathroom door.

          DEREK (O.S.)
          Are you in there?
          Aaron opens the door and we see Uncle Russell still on the
          toilet. He looks up.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What's that?
          Aaron slams the door. We can hear Russell's muffled shouting
          coming from behind the bathroom door.

                         AARON
          Norman!! Why is Uncle Russell on the
          toilet?

                         NORMAN
          I forgot!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          101.

                         CONTINUED:

                         AARON
          How could you forget?! What the hell
          is wrong with you?!
          Another loud bang on the door.

          DEREK (O.S.)
          Aaron, open the door.
          Norman opens the door as Aaron runs over to keep Derek from
          entering.

          INT. STUDY/CORRIDOR - DAY

          Aaron opens the door an inch.

                         AARON
          What is it?

                         DEREK
          Aaron, where's Norman?

                         NORMAN
          (from behind the door)
          I'm here.

                         DEREK
          It's Oscar, he went crazy. He's--
          Derek realizes that something weird's going on.

                         DEREK (CONT'D)
          What's going on?

                         AARON
          Nothing.
          Derek puts aside his curiosity for the time being.

                         DEREK
          Look, Oscar's on the roof stark naked.
          He saw me kissing Elaine and now he's
          threatening to jump!

                         JEFF
          I've got to go.
          Jeff rushes to the door.

                         RYAN
          Where are you going?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          102.

                         CONTINUED:

                         JEFF
          I have to go out there. If he jumps,
          my sister is going to kill me.
          Jeff rushes out.

                         AARON
          (to Ryan and Norman)
          Wait here.
          Aaron follows Jeff, but he does not run. He walks out.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Jeff rushes through the empty room. Aaron walks behind him
          slowly.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN DAY

          Jeff runs through the kitchen door and joins the mourners
          looking at Oscar on the roof.

                         ELAINE
          Get back here. Be careful!

                         OSCAR
          I believe I can fly! I believe I can
          touch the sky!
          ANGLE ON: Aaron who steps out and sees everybody watching Oscar.

          EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME

          Elaine is still leaning out the window.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, come inside. We'll have some
          coffee.

                         OSCAR

                         (PETULANTLY)
          No!
          He climbs up on the roof.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar!
          She climbs out the window.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          103.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME

          The mourners see that Oscar is naked. He stumbles. Everybody

          GASPS!
          Aaron notices that everybody is captivated by the drama.

          EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME

          Elaine follows Oscar on the roof.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME

          Duncan sees Elaine on the roof.

                         DUNCAN
          Elaine, what are you doing?!
          Elaine sees Oscar climbing further up the roof.

                         DUNCAN (CONT'D)
          Elaine!
          Elaine follows Oscar.
          Aaron realizes this is his chance. He heads back inside.
          Michelle catches him at the door.

                         MICHELLE
          What are you doing?

                         AARON
          I think I can get rid of this guy, but
          I need you to stay out here and try to
          stop anyone from coming in.

                         MICHELLE
          Okay. I'll do what I can.
          She heads back to the crowd on the lawn. As Aaron goes through
          the doorway of the kitchen, Derek passes him on the way out to
          the lawn to see what's happening.

          DUNCAN (O.S.)
          Elaine!

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Norman is standing in the corner. Aaron knocks on the door.

                         NORMAN
          Who is it?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          104.

                         CONTINUED:

          AARON (O.S.)
          It's Aaron!
          Norman opens the door.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Everyone's out in the garden... We've
          gotta move the body now.

                         RYAN
          Let's go!
          Ryan and Aaron grab Frank. As Norman runs out.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman looks around and sees that it's clear. He goes back to
          the study and opens the door.

                         NORMAN
          Quick. Quick!
          Aaron and Ryan carry Frank out as Norman looks around.

                         RYAN
          Make sure no one comes in.
          As they disappear around the corner,, Norman closes the study
          door. He turns just in time to find Reverend Davis approaching.
          He intercepts.

                         NORMAN
          (to Reverend Davis)
          Hi!
          The reverend looks around, not knowing why Norman is being so
          especially friendly to her.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Ryan and Aaron hurry across the living room carrying Frank.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman is blocking Reverend Davis.

                         NORMAN
          So, what made you decide to get your
          God on?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          105.

                         CONTINUED:

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Look, I'm sorry, I really need to use

                         THE PHONE--

                         NORMAN
          I'd like to make a confession.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          I'm not a priest.

                         NORMAN
          That's okay, 'cause I'm not Catholic.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Aaron and Ryan get to the coffin and Ryan opens it up.
          There's an intense moment as they look down at their father in
          the coffin. They both stop for a moment, speechless.

                         RYAN
          Aaron, we have to do this.
          Aaron looks up at Ryan and nods his assent. Ryan and Aaron lift
          up Frank and try their best to put him in the coffin.

          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

          Norman still blocks the reverend.

                         NORMAN
          What do you think God's favorite color
          is?

                         REVEREND DAVIS

                         (ANNOYED)
          I have no idea.

                         NORMAN
          I'll bet it's blue. The sky's blue.
          The seas are blue. And the winds
          blew, too.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Ryan and Aaron are staring at the body. Frank is on his
          stomach, tops to tails with their father. Aaron looks at it and
          decides that it's just wrong.

                         AARON
          We can't leave it like that.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          106.

                         CONTINUED:
          Ryan looks down and laughs.

                         RYAN
          In a strange way, this might have been
          what he wanted.

                         AARON
          Be serious for a second.
          They begin lifting him again.

          INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

          Norman is doing his best to keep Reverend Davis at bay.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan have swiveled the body around so that Frank is
          facing upwards.

                         RYAN
          Why do you say I don't take anything
          seriously? You complain about me all
          the time, but if I didn't play the bad
          boy, you couldn't play the martyr.

                         (MOCKING)
          Aaron's so great, Aaron's so right,
          Aaron's so responsible.
          (back to normal)
          Why don't you try laughing and
          enjoying life once in a while? It
          might make you a better a writer.

          INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY

          Norman is still talking to Reverend Davis. She looks like she
          really doesn't want to be there.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Look, I must get to a phone. There's
          a man on the roof who's going to jump.

                         NORMAN
          I'm addicted to strip clubs. The
          shoes, the poles, the smell. I just
          like to take my money and throw it in
          the air. I like to make it rain.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          107.

          EXT. ROOF - DAY

          Elaine is stepping off the fire escape ladder and onto the roof
          peak. Oscar sits sadly on the roof peak with his back to the
          crowd.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar... Please don't do this...
          love you.

                         OSCAR
          Then why were you with him?

                         ELAINE
          I wasn't with him.

                         OSCAR
          Yes, you were! I saw you!

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS

          Derek is laughing next to Jeff. We see the view from their POV.

          EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS

          Elaine finally gets closer to Oscar.

                         OSCAR
          I'll never be good enough. Not for
          your dad, and not for you.

                         ELAINE
          Oscar, please just come inside.

                         OSCAR
          No. You go inside.

                         ELAINE
          Come with me.

                         OSCAR
          Why?

                         ELAINE
          Because you're going to be a father.
          Oscar looks at her, shocked.

                         OSCAR
          What?

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          108.

                         CONTINUED:

                         ELAINE
          I'm pregnant. We're going to have a
          child...
          ANGLE ON: Oscar and Elaine.

                         OSCAR
          You're pregnant?
          Oscar is overcome with emotion. Elaine holds out her hand.

                         ELAINE
          I won't be able to do it without you.
          Very slowly, a naked Oscar, walks toward her and they embrace.
          The crowd applauds.
          ANGLE ON: Michelle.

                         MICHELLE
          What about me?! I want a baby. Would
          somebody get me pregnant?!
          Everybody looks at Michelle. She smiles weakly.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY

          Seeing Oscar is safe, Jeff is very relieved.

          INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

          Norman and the reverend hear applause. Reverend Davis heads
          back out to see what's up. Norman turns to check on Ryan and
          Aaron.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan are just about to close the lid. They both look
          down at their father one last time. Aaron takes a moment to
          touch his father's hand.

                         AARON
          Bye, Dad.
          Ryan takes a long look as he closes the coffin.

          EXT. ROOF - DAY

          Oscar turns toward the crowd.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          109.

                         CONTINUED:

                         OSCAR

                         (ANNOUNCING WILDLY)
          We're having a baby.

          EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY

          General approval noises and applause come from the crowd.
          Duncan looks appalled.

                         DUNCAN
          Great.
          Duncan heads toward the kitchen door. He passes a shocked
          looking Derek.
          Michelle follows and speaks loudly as Duncan is about to enter
          the kitchen.

                         MICHELLE
          Aaron?! Oscar's off the roof!

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan quickly shut the coffin a moment before Duncan
          enters the living room through the kitchen door and crosses on
          the way to the stairs.

                         DUNCAN
          I'm going to kill him.
          Jeff follows Duncan in, looks at the coffin, then looks at Aaron
          and Ryan questioning them with his eyes. They return the look
          with silent assurance that the job is done. Michelle comes in.

                         MICHELLE

                         (TO AARON)
          Hey, is he gone?

                         AARON
          Yeah.

                         MICHELLE
          Thank God.
          Everybody breathes a sigh of relief.

          INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Elaine helps Oscar through the window.

                         OSCAR
          Thank you.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          110.

                         CONTINUED:

          DUNCAN (O.S.)
          Elaine!
          Elaine opens the bathroom door and Duncan enters. Elaine helps
          Oscar get dressed.

                         DUNCAN (CONT'D)

                         (TO ELAINE)
          Thank God you're safe.

                         (TO OSCAR)
          You idiot! What the hell is wrong
          with you? Stay away from my daughter.

                         ELAINE
          Look, Dad--

                         DUNCAN
          Elaine, stay out of this.

                         ELAINE
          No, I'm not staying out of this.
          Remember how I told you we were moving
          in together? Well, I lied. We're
          getting married.
          Duncan is shocked.

                         DUNCAN
          You're what?!

                         ELAINE
          We're getting married.

                         DUNCAN
          Elaine, you don't have to marry him
          just because you're pregnant.

                         ELAINE
          I'm not marrying him because I'm
          pregnant. I'm marrying him because I
          love him.

                         DUNCAN
          How can you love him? He's an idiot.

                         ELAINE
          Dad, this is my life. If you don't
          like it, too bad. But if you want to
          keep me and my child in your life,
          you'd better change your attitude,
          especially about my husband.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          111.

                         CONTINUED: (2)
          Elaine exits, taking Oscar with her.

                         OSCAR
          Bye, Dad.
          They exit.

          EXT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Cynthia walks up to Aaron.

                         CYNTHIA
          Baby, I really think we should start
          again now. Have you seen Uncle
          Russell?
          Aaron remembers where he is and looks at Ryan. They rush off to
          the study, passing Jeff. Jeff checks his pockets and realizes
          the pills are gone again. He goes off to find them.

          INT. STUDY - DAY

          Aaron and Ryan enter the study and head toward the closed
          bathroom door. They open it and find Uncle Russell sitting on
          the toilet.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          What the hell is going on in this
          place?

                         AARON
          I'm so sorry, Uncle Russell. There
          was someone on the roof--

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Never mind that. What about that dead
          body you dragged in here?
          Aaron and Ryan feign ignorance.

                         AARON
          What dead body?

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          Don't mess with me. I know a dead
          body when I see one. I live in a
          retirement home.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          112.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Norman sniffs his fingers, worried. In the background we see
          Elaine entering the room with Oscar, now dressed, but still
          looking a bit wired. People respond with scattered applause and
          congratulations.
          Derek walks over and joins Norman.

                         DEREK
          Did you hear that? She's having a
          kid!
          Derek looks at Norman who's looking sort of distant.

                         DEREK (CONT'D)
          How's your skin thing?

                         NORMAN
          Oh that... It's probably nothing. I'm
          more worried about Hepatitis C after
          having Uncle Russell's shit in my
          mouth. I think I'm feeling yellow.
          Norman touches his skin as he walks away, leaving Derek
          confused.
          ANGLE ON: Jeff frantically looking for the pill bottle. He
          gives up and sits in a chair.
          ANGLE ON: Ryan is wheeling Uncle Russell into the room as Aaron
          moves to his seat.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          I'm telling you I saw the guy. He was
          dead!

                         RYAN
          I know you did, Russell. We all did.

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          No! In the bathroom.
          Ryan offers a look to the other mourners indicating that Uncle
          Russell's a bit mad and shouldn't be listened to.
          ANGLE ON: Michelle comes over to Aaron.

                         AARON
          I can't believe what a nightmare today
          has been.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          113.

                         CONTINUED:

                         MICHELLE
          I don't know. It's been sort of
          exciting.
          Aaron looks at her.

                         MICHELLE (CONT'D)
          For a funeral, I mean...

                         AARON
          Listen, about the condo and the baby,

                         I PROMISE--

                         MICHELLE
          We'll work it out. Let's just get
          this day over with. Then we can worry
          about the rest of our lives.
          Aaron hugs Michelle.

                         AARON
          I can't believe I still have to do
          this eulogy... with everything I've
          just found out.
          A beat.

                         MICHELLE
          It doesn't change anything, does it?

                         AARON
          Not a thing.
          Reverend Davis approaches Aaron, looking at her watch and
          appearing flustered.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          We're going to have to fly through
          this now. I already missed a funeral
          and two Christenings.

                         AARON
          Sure. Let's go.

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Do you want an open casket?

          AARON/RYAN/NORMAN/JEFF
          No!
          The reverend looks shocked at the reaction, but ignores it. She
          stands up at the front and speaks quickly.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          114.

                         CONTINUED: (2)

                         REVEREND DAVIS
          Alright! Everybody in their seats
          now!
          (she snaps her fingers)
          Hey, you, sit down.
          People settle into their seats. Ryan manages to squeeze in next
          to Martina. He smiles at her, flirtatiously. Cynthia throws
          Ryan a look, and he gets up and goes to sit with her.

          REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
          (speaking very quickly)
          I'd like to apologize on behalf of the
          family for all of the distractions. I
          hope that everyone is settled and
          ready to continue with the service.
          Aaron, the oldest son, would like to
          say a few words about his father.
          Michelle gives Aaron an encouraging look as he makes his way to
          the front.
          Aaron clears his throat and prepares to begin. The room is
          absolutely silent. He takes a deep breath.
          ANGLE ON: The reverend nodding for Aaron to hurry up.
          ANGLE ON: Aaron.

                         AARON
          My father... was an exceptional--

          BANG! BANG! BANG!
          Suddenly, a loud banging emanates from the coffin. Everyone
          stares at it in stunned silence. Jeff looks over to Norman
          whose eyes are as wide as saucers. Aaron looks like a deer
          caught in headlights. He looks at Ryan who gestures to him to
          continue. He nervously struggles on.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          My father was an exceptional man.

          BANG! BANG! BANG!
          Everyone stares at the coffin in awe. Aaron bravely continues.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          Not only did he live for his family,
          but he was always there for others--

          BANG! BANG! BANG!

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          115.

                         CONTINUED: (3)

                         DUNCAN
          What the hell is going on?

                         MOURNER 1
          There's someone in there!

                         OSCAR
          I knew it! I knew it!
          Suddenly the coffin lid flips off and everyone stares in wonder
          as Frank sits up, looking like a crazy person, and babbling
          incoherently.
          Several people scream. Frank opens the other end of the coffin
          and looks at his dead lover.

                         RYAN
          (trying to cover)
          What the hell are you doing in my
          Dad's coffin?
          Frank starts grabbing at Edward's body screaming.

                         FRANK
          Edward! Edward! Edward!
          Ryan, Norman and Jeff try to pull Frank out of the coffin, but
          he's holding onto the corpse.

                         FRANK (CONT'D)
          No! No!
          Finally they get Frank out and carry him from the room. As he
          passes Cynthia, the photos fall out of his pocket at her feet.
          As Duncan closes the coffin again, Cynthia bends down and picks
          up one of the photographs and stares at it. Her face turns to
          horror as she makes out the image. The noise in the room is
          broken by Cynthia's furious cry. She drops the photos and runs
          at Frank.

                         CYNTHIA
          You bastard!
          Cynthia tackles Frank and starts beating him.

                         CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
          (as she hits him)
          He was with you!
          Duncan picks up the photos. He shows them to Uncle Russell.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          116.

                         CONTINUED: (4)

                         UNCLE RUSSELL
          I always thought he had a little sugar
          in his tank.
          Everything has descended into total chaos until Aaron finally
          shouts across the room.

                         AARON

          MY FATHER WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN!!!
          Everyone, including Frank and Cynthia, looks at Aaron, stunned.
          They all freeze. There's a long silence.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          He had his... shortcomings, but he
          took care of his family. He loved his
          family. He loved this house. He
          worked hard. All I wanted today was
          to show him how much we all loved and
          admired him. To give him the respect
          that he deserved... Is that really so
          much to ask? We all get so distracted
          by the... little things in life. We
          forget about the important things.
          Like the fact that we lost a great
          man.
          The mourners look up at Aaron with undivided attention.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          So maybe he loved "Dreamgirls" more
          than most men. We don't know why a
          man makes the choices he makes. But I
          do know that my father made the best
          choices he could make. Life is
          complicated. We're just thrown here
          together in a world filled with chaos
          and confusion... and we do our best.
          And Dad did his best...
          Aaron looks over at the coffin. As.he speaks, we see shots of
          Cynthia, Frank, Jeff, Norman, Duncan as they are moved by
          Aaron's words.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          He taught us to go for what we wanted
          in life, because you never know how
          long you're going to be here... And
          whether you succeed... or you fail...
          the important thing is that you tried.

                         (CONTINUED)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          117.

                         CONTINUED: (5)
          A beat. Michelle looks up at her husband with pride. We see
          the various other mourners looking at Aaron and listening.

                         AARON (CONT'D)
          So when you all leave here today, I
          want you to remember Dad for who he
          really was... A decent, loving man
          who never condemned anyone for how
          they lived. Who never cast
          disparaging remarks or held prejudices
          against race, gender... height. If
          only we could all be as giving, as
          generous, as understanding as my
          father... Even dead, my father has
          more character than everyone in this
          room. If I am half the man my father
          was, my child will be incredibly
          blessed.
          Aaron turns and walks out of the room. Everyone watches him go.
          Michelle follows him out of the room.

                         FADE OUT:

                         FADE IN:

          EXT. HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT

          The house has emptied out. All the cars are gone.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - EVENING

          Aaron is laying on the couch, looking drained. Ryan comes down
          the stairs. It looks like he's had some time to recover. He
          walks over and takes a seat.

                         AARON
          How's Mom?

                         RYAN
          She's resting.
          A beat.

                         RYAN (CONT'D)
          I've asked Mom to come live with me
          for awhile. It'll give you and
          Michelle a chance to breathe a bit,
          you know. Move and everything.
          Aaron looks at Ryan, surprised.