17 AGAIN
          
          
          
                                    Written by
          
                                   Jason Filardi
          
          
          
          
                                                         October 2007
          
          
          
          EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DUSK
          
          A few cars scatter the parking lot. WE hear GRUNTS followed
          by the distinct sound of basketballs shredding net.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - CONTINUOUS
          
          An empty gymnasium except for a shirtless MIKE O'DONNELL, 17.
          Mike stands feet BEYOND the 3 point line, grabs balls from a
          hopper and rapidly shoots, shoots, shoots.
          SWISH...SWISH...SWISH. This kid's automatic.
          
          Mike's hair, a pompadour mullet a la `21 Jump Street' and
          short shorts circa 1989.
          
          Mustached and curly haired COACH HARVEY, 40, enters.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Hey, O'Donnell, save some for the
                    game.
          
          Mike sinks one last jumper, turns to the Coach.
          
                              MIKE
                    Just warming up, Coach.
          
          Coach Harvey hands Mike a towel.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    First game of the season and the
                    scouts are already lining up. You
                    have half the season I know you're
                    capable of, you can play anywhere
                    you want, Mike.
          
                              MIKE
                    That's the plan coach.
          
          The rest of the FITCH FALCONS basketball team jogs out from
          the locker room followed by a PHOTOGRAPHER.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Round up, Jock Straps! Picture
                    time.
          
          The Team assembles in the middle of the court. A PLAYER
          kneeling in front holds a sign, `FITCH FALCONS, 1989'.
          
                               MIKE
                    Hold on.   Ed's not here yet.
          
          DOM, 17, handsome, tall, long rat tail, scoffs-
          
                                                                     2.
          
          
          
                                  DOM
                    Who cares?      He's the water boy.
          
                              MIKE
                    And you suck, Dom, but we're
                    letting you in the picture.
          
          A shoving match breaks out between Mike and Dom.
          
                                  COACH HARVEY
                    Hey!   Hey!     Knock it off.
          
          Coach Harvey pulls the Players apart just as the gym doors
          burst open. ED FREEDMAN, 17, sporting a jacket over a WIZARD
          costume, runs in, trips on his robe, gets up, peels his
          clothes off.
          
                              ED
                    Sorry I'm late. I was locked in a
                    life and death battle with the dark
                    wizard...
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    ...Fall in, Freedman. Hurry up.
          
          Ed takes a spot next to Dom.
          
                              PHOTOGRPAHER
                    And 3, 2, 1-
          
          WE see Dom reach behind Ed, grab hold of his
          underwear...RRRRIIIPP...FLASH. And with the flash WE cut to:
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - NIGHT
          
          The Falcons run, pass and shoot on one end of the court.    On
          the opposite end, a TEAM in BLUE warms up.
          
          Lights dim. Cue MC Hammer's `Can't Touch This'. CHEERLEADERS
          at center court perform the Hammer DANCE ROUTINE. PAN around
          the gym, everybody's doing the Hammer dance.
          
          Ed awkwardly tries to imitate Mike.
          
          Coach shakes his head in disgust and when the routine ends-
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Alright, Ladies, bring it in!
          
          The Falcons swarm to the bench, take seats.     Ed hands waters
          to the Players, skips Dom, stops at Mike.
          
                                                                  3.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Ed, I can't help you with the girls
                    if you keep showing up places
                    dressed like the Cookie Crisp guy.
                    Okay? Dude, don't look now but I
                    think Muffy Campanella is scopin'
                    you hard.
          
                                ED
                    For real?
          
          Ed jerks around to blatantly stare at her.
          
                              MIKE
                    Smile, pud.
          
          Ed flashes a goofy smile.   MUFFY mimes puking.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                    My bad.
          
                                GIRL'S VOICE (o.s.)
                    Mike?
          
          SCARLET, 17, an 80's beauty, stands at the end of the bench.
          
                              MIKE
                    Who's that stone cold fox? Oh,
                    it's my girlfriend.
                        (walks over)
                    I'm glad you're here, Scar. This
                    whole scout thing's got me wicked
                    nervous.
          
          Dom dribbles past, smiles at Scarlet.
          
                              DOM
                    I'm dedicating my first basket to
                    you, Scarlet.
          
                              MIKE
                    Way you shoot that might be mid-
                    season!
                        (to Scarlet)
                    Everything cool?
          
          She smiles nervously, lies...
          
                               SCARLET
                    Oh yeah. Everything's totally
                    copacetic.
          
                                                                         4.
          
          
          
                       MIKE                              SCARLET
          Totally?                           Totally.
          
          REFEREE blows the whistle.
          
                               COACH HARVEY
                     Let's go! Remember, Boys, winners
                     get the girls. Losers please
                     themselves!
          
                               MIKE
                         (to Scarlet)
                     Excellent. Gotta run.
          
          He kisses her cheek, starts off, turns back-
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     What's wrong?
          
          LONG SHOT: We hear nothing but see Mike's body deflate. He
          steps away from Scarlet towards center court.
          
          Muffy and her friends mock Ed and laugh hysterically
          
                               ED
                     Do you really think Muffy's in to
                     me?
          
          Mike, in a daze walks right past Ed. Takes his place for the
          jump ball. The Crowd stomps and cheers LOUDLY.
          
          The Ref is about to toss the ball. Mike looks up at the
          stands, sees a crushed Scarlet heading for the exit. Mike's
          torn. Play or go after her. He goes after her.
          
                               COACH HARVEY
                     Where you going!? O'Donnell!?
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/TUNNEL - NIGHT
          
          Mike rushes in.
          
                                 MIKE
                     Scar!    Wait.
          
          She turns, slumps against the wall.    Mike catches up to her.
          Mike leans in and kisses Scarlet.
          
                                                                   CUT TO:
          
                                                                     5.
          
          
          
          
          EXT. PALISADES NEIGHBORHOOD. PRESENT DAY - MORNING
          
          Opulent HOMES.   OCEAN views.   Luxury CARS.   Manicured LAWNS.
          
          The sound of an alarm clock shatters the silence as WE settle
          in on a large, MEDITERRANEAN STYLE HOUSE.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
          
          MIKE O'DONNELL, now 36, angrily slaps the alarm off...6 AM.
          He climbs out of bed, bones creaking, stiff, groans.
          
          
          INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
          
          A showered, suited Mike stands before the mirror, knots a tie
          around his neck.
          
                              MIKE
                        (UNINSPIRED)
                    Today is going to be a good day.     I
                    love my job. I am a lucky man.
                    Who's lucky? Mike O'Donnell.
          
          Mike yanks his tie straight up as if he were hanging himself.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - MORNING
          
          ED FREEDMAN, now 36, lies on a portable table in his boxers.
          ACUPUNCTURE NEEDLES protrude from every inch of his body,
          neck and face...at least 5000 needles.
          
          A HOT, YOUNG ACUPUNCTURIST adds more to him.
          
                              ACUPUNCTURIST
                    Can you feel your Qi flowing
                    freely?
          
                              ED
                    I'm not sure if its my Qi or
                    internal bleeding.
          
          Mike enters, shakes his head in amusement.
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you doing now?
          
          Ed looks over, sees Mike watching.
          
                                                                  6.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    There he is. There's Mr. Sunshine.
                    Fei Jing Acupuncture. It's all the
                    rage. Makes you look five years
                    younger.
          
          Ed climbs slowly off the table, shuffles over, groaning in
          pain the entire way. He pours himself a shot of BROWN LIQUID
          from a pitcher, throws the shot back and immediately SPITS it
          all over the place.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                        (calls to Acupuncturist)
                    What's this brown stuff again?
          
                              ACUPUNCTURIST
                    Rhinoceros urine. Pure protein.
          
                              ED
                    Delish!
                        (to Mike)
                    The girl has absolutely no clue
                    what she's doing.
          
                              MIKE
                    Then why are you letting her stick
                    needles in you?
          
                              ED
                    Because she's hot. But today's not
                    about me. It's about you becoming
                    the new regional sales manager.
          
                              MIKE
                    I better be. I've invested 18
                    years of my life in that miserable
                    company.
          
                              ED
                    No negativity. Negativity's for
                    the 800 pound fat lady who needs to
                    be airlifted out of bed. You,
                    Michael Shawn O'Donnell, are a
                    winner.
          
                              MIKE
                    A winner doesn't have to crash at
                    his best friend's house because he
                    was kicked out of his own house.
          
                              ED
                    Are you kidding?! It doesn't get
                    any better than this!
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                    7.
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    I gotta get back. My legs just
                    went numb. Good luck today.
          
          Ed drags painfully back to the Acupuncturist.
          
          
          EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - MORNING
          
          Mike wheels his Audi A4 below a nondescript, two level
          building. Sign reads, `Wyatt Pharmaceuticals'.
          
          
          INT. WYATT PHARMACEUTICALS/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
          
          PHARMACEUTICAL DRUG POSTERS cover the walls.    Smiling faces,
          happy couples...little pills.
          
          Surrounding a conference table are Mike's colleagues...HOT
          WOMEN, 20 to 35, in skimpy business suits, chatting away.
          
          Mike sits amongst them, the only male present. A glum look
          on his face. WENDY, bubbly, ditsy, 22, leans over to him.
          
                              WENDY
                    Congratulations, Mike. You deserve
                    it. You're like a totally amazing
                    salesman.
          
                              MIKE
                    Thanks, Wendy. That like totally
                    means so much to me.
          
          ROGER, 23, boss, strides through the door.
          
                              ROGER
                    Good morning, peeps. As you all
                    know, today I'll be naming the new
                    regional sales manager. What's it
                    take to be an RSM? Leadership
                    skills, a comprehensive knowledge
                    of today's prescription
                    pharmaceuticals and most
                    importantly a dedicated soldier.
          
          Mike straightens his tie, buttons his suit jacket.
          
                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    All being said, congratulations-
                        (Mike begins to rise)
                    Wendy.
          
          Dumbfounded, Mike slumps back into his seat.    Wendy springs
          up out of hers, SCREAMING and BOUNCING.
          
                                                                  8.
          
          
          
                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    Now go out there and sell some
                    drugs peeps!
          
          The Women stream out.
          
                              MIKE
                    How could you do this to me? I've
                    been a salesman here 18 years.
                    Wendy's only been here 2 months!?
          
                              ROGER
                    Look, your sales are admittedly
                    better but she has the college
                    degree. What can I do?
          
                              MIKE
                    You can give me the promotion,
                    Roger!
          
                              ROGER
                    Things have changed. I couldn't
                    even hire you now with only a high
                    school diploma. My hands are tied,
                    bro-ski.
          
          Mike swallows his pride and exits.
          
          
          EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DUSK
          
          Mike pulls into the empty parking lot, climbs out of his car
          and into the building.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DUSK
          
          Mike hurries down the hall, opens a door, peeks his head in.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DUSK
          
          Mike peers around...nobody.
          
                               MIKE
                    Alex?
          
          No answer. A basketball sits in the middle of the floor.
          Mike enters, picks up the ball, begins dribbling...faster,
          between his legs, around his back, up to the 3 point line-
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                    3, 2, 1-
          
                                                                     9.
          
          
          
          Mike hits a perfect jumper at the imaginary buzzer, smiles.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    The kid's still got it.
          
          Mike dashes for the bouncing ball, scoops it up, goes for a
          reverse lay up, makes it but when he lands...he
          lands...CRACK...hard. Mike grabs his lower back, groans-
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Ooooh.   That was stupid.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DUSK
          
          Mike limps out of the gym, wanders over to a wall covered in
          PHOTOGRAPHS...Fitch basketball teams of the past.
          
          Mike searches the pictures until he finds it...the photo WE
          saw being taken earlier...the team of 1989. Ed mid howl from
          Dom's wedgy.
          
          Mike stares at the photograph...lost in time and thought.
          The smiling, confident image of his youth stares back at him.
          
                              MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                    You know someone in that picture?
          
          Mike startles from his daydream, turns. A kind-faced, old
          JANITOR, stands behind him, mop in hand.
          
                                MIKE
                    I do. Me.     I'm in the center
                    there.
          
          The Janitor leans in, takes a closer look at Young Mike.
          
                              JANITOR
                    Adolescence can be so cruel.
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you talking about?
                        (lost in the picture
                         AGAIN)
                    I had life by the balls in that
                    picture. Everything was possible.
                    Then a few minutes later, pffffft,
                    all gone.
          
                              JANITOR
                    `For of all sad words of tongue and
                    pen, the saddest are these: `It
                    might have been...'
          
                                                                    10.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    That'll be my epitaph.
          
                              JANITOR
                    We all have regrets.
          
                              MIKE
                    Why's it have to be that way?
          
                              JANITOR
                    Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
                    Can't hurt to ask. You never know
                    who's listening, Michael.
          
          Michael wistfully eyes the old photo, looks back to the
          JANITOR-
          
                              MIKE
                    How did you know...
          
                              ALEX (O.S.)
                    ...What are you doing, Dad?
          
          ALEX, 15, messy hair and slight, and MAGGIE, 17 and awkwardly
          pretty, appear at the other end of the hall.
          
                                 MIKE
                    Hey, Guys.     I was just talking to-
          
          Mike looks back to the Janitor...GONE.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Never mind. Sorry I'm late. You
                    ready to get some dinner then?
          
          They make their way towards the door.    Mike limping.
          
                              ALEX
                    Why are you limping?
          
                              MIKE
                    Tweaked my back pumping iron.
                    Really, really heavy iron.
          
          
          INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - NIGHT
          
          Mike, Alex and Maggie sit before dinner.    Alex eats heartily.
          Maggie quietly pushes her food around.
          
                              MIKE
                    I bet your chompin' at the bit for
                    hoop season to start.
          
                                                          11.
          
          
          
                              ALEX
                    Yeah, me and the guys are running
                    drills, scrimmaging, getting in
                    shape.
          
          Maggie stifles a laugh.
          
                              MIKE
                    That's my boy. Remember, it's not
                    how big you are-
          
                              ALEX
                    -it's how big you play.
          
          Father and Son touch fists.
          
                              MIKE
                    And what about you, Mags?   What's
                    new?
          
                                MAGGIE
                    Nothing.
          
                              ALEX
                    She got into Georgetown.
          
                                MIKE
                    You did!?    That's fantastic!
          
                              MAGGIE
                    It's no big deal.
          
                              MIKE
                    It's a huge deal. That's a great
                    university. I'm proud of you.
                        (Maggie remains quiet)
                    Am I missing something here?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    You wouldn't understand.
          
                                MIKE
                    Try me.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    I have a lot of emotional stress
                    right now. My friends are all
                    going to different schools, I'm not
                    even sure...
          
                                                                     12.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    That's not stress. Wait `til you
                    get out into the real world, get a
                    crappy job, have some smarmy twerp-
                    boss calling you bro-ski...
          
          Maggie rolls her eyes.
          
                              ALEX
                    Did you get the promotion, Dad?
          
                              MIKE
                    Still waiting to hear.
          
          Mike forces a smile hiding his disappointment.
          
          
          EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY/MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          Mike pulls up behind a `Dom's Nursery' van. He, Alex and
          Maggie step out. Mike eyes the van with disdain.
          
                              MIKE
                    Is your mom home?
          
                              ALEX
                    She's probably out back.
          
                              MIKE
                    Hey, next week we'll have a
                    barbecue at Uncle Ed's. Sound
                    good?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    I'm counting down the minutes.
          
          Maggie heads straight for the modest ranch house and inside.
          
                              MIKE
                    What's with her?
          
                              ALEX
                    We see you once a week for a couple
                    hours. What do you expect?
          
          Alex follows Maggie into the house.   Mike makes his way
          around back.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
          
          As Mike rounds the corner, he almost runs into a smiling Dom
          Johnson, 36. Don lugs 3 loaded trash bags.
          
                                                                     13.
          
          
          
                              DOM
                    Hey, Mike. Good to see you.    Tough
                    break, you and Scarlet.
          
                              MIKE
                    Bite me, Dom.
          
          Dom serves Mike a cocky wink, continues on.    Mike scowls.
          
          Scarlet, 36, slams a shovel into the ground, wedges it
          beneath a dying shrub and rips it out.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    A little late for a delivery isn't
                    it?
          
                              SCARLET
                    Dom was in the neighborhood. He
                    offered to make a dump run for me.
          
                              MIKE
                    Doesn't he live 30 miles from here?
          
                              SCARLET
                    What's your point?
          
                              MIKE
                    Come on. He's been after you since
                    10th grade and he's after you now.
          
                              SCARLET
                    At least someone's after me.
          
          Mike smiles playfully and begins to serenade-
          
                              MIKE
                    `In touch with the ground, I'm on
                    the hunt I'm after you.'
          
          Scarlet shakes her head-
          
                              SCARLET
                    Please, Mike. This isn't high
                    school. That's not gonna work.
          
                              MIKE
                    `Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a
                    crowd, and I'm hungry like the
                    wolf.'
          
          Mike flirtatiously stalks her.   Scarlet fights smiling.
          
                                                                 14.
          
          
          
                              SCARLET
                    You can stop now. It's not
                    working.
          
                              MIKE
                    `Mouth is alive, with juices like
                    wine, and I'm hungry like the wolf'
          
          Mike gets close to Scarlet's face. She smiles, stops herself
          and pushes him away.
          
                              SCARLET
                    You no longer have the right to
                    invoke the "wolf."
          
          A chastised Mike eyes the yard...it's a WRECK...holes and
          mounds of dirt everywhere, carcasses of dead plants, bushes
          and flowers strewn about.
          
                              MIKE
                    Why are you destroying the yard?
          
          Scarlet stops shoveling, wipes dirt from her face.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'm gonna use it as a showpiece for
                    clients. Thanks for asking.
          
                              MIKE
                    Kind of a big undertaking isn't it?
          
                              SCARLET
                    I am a landscape designer. Then
                    again you barely took an interest
                    in my work so I guess that's a fair
                    question.
          
          An awkward silence.   Then-
          
                              MIKE
                    I didn't get it.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'm sorry. But maybe this is what
                    you needed. Maybe it's time you
                    looked for something else?
          
                              MIKE
                    That's a great idea, Scar. Because
                    there are so many options out there
                    for a 36 year old with only a high
                    school diploma.
          
                                                                      15.
          
          
          
          Scarlet throws the shovel to the ground.
          
                              SCARLET
                    And it's all my fault, isn't it?
          
                              MIKE
                    I didn't say that.
          
                              SCARLET
                    No, but it's what you think, right?
          
          Mike's silence says it all.    Scarlet fights back tears.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    I never asked you to marry me.
          
                                 MIKE
                    But I did.
          
          Scarlet shakes her head in frustration.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'm sorry you're not happy with the
                    way your life turned out Mike,
                    really, I am, but you're not the
                    victim here.
          
          Scarlet goes back to shoveling.    Mike turns, steps, falls
          into a hole.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S AUDI - NIGHT
          
          A somber Mike drives alongside the Los Angeles River. An old
          song plays low on the radio...static...then...BOOM. THUNDER
          roars scaring Mike and literally shaking the Audi. SPLASH.
          RAIN drops in buckets.
          
                                 MIKE
                    Jesus!
          
          Mike turns the wipers on high. Not much help. He slows the
          car to a crawl, straining to see out the windshield.
          
          LIGHTNING flashes. We see the Janitor leaning over the
          railing looking into the raging river. Mike brakes, throws
          his door open, jumps out into the pouring rain.
          
          
          EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
          
                                 MIKE
                    Hey!?     Get away from there!?
          
                                                                    16.
          
          
          
          Mike, blinded by the rain makes his way to the railing. The
          Janitor's GONE.
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Oh no!!   Hello!?
          
          Mike leans over the rickety railing, looks down...
          
          The phosphorescent water swirls angrily...rising quickly.
          It's mesmerizing. Magical. Mike can't take his eyes off-
          
          LIGHTENING FLASHES Mike's 17 year-old face reflection stares
          back up at him.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                    What the-
          
          CRACK. The railing BREAKS.    Mike FALLS...SPLASH...headlong
          into the river.
          
                                                               CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NEXT MORNING
          
          Mike's Audi rolls into the driveway. The door swings open.
          A muddy, shoeless foot steps out followed by a shoed foot but
          in no better shape.
          
          WE follow the feet, tattered slacks dragging on the cement,
          to the door. 2 filthy hands dig into pockets, searching-
          
                              MIKE
                    Damn it.
                        (pushes doorbell)
                    Ed! Ed! I lost my key!
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE - MORNING
          
          Ed, wrapped in a robe, tissue between his toes, wobbles to
          the door so as not to mess up his freshly polished nails.
          
                               ED
                    Coming!   I've been worried sick!
                    WHERE-
          
          Ed opens the door...standing before him is Mike, covered in
          MUD. His ripped, grimy suit now hangs off of him
          because...HE'S 17 AGAIN.
          
          Ed's eyes widen with FEAR.
          
                                                                 17.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    I've had a really rough night.
          
                              ED
                    AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
          
          Ed slams the door, frantically wobbles away. The door opens,
          ANGLE ON the muddy feet as they enter and follow the trail of
          cotton balls up the stairs and to the bathroom door.
          
          
          INT. BATHROOM - DAY
          
          ANGLE ON Ed cowering against the back wall, brandishing an
          over-sized loofah. The door slowly swings open. Ed gasps-
          
                              ED
                    Don't come any closer!    I'll use
                    it!
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you gonna do? Exfoliate
                    me to death?
                        (Ed shrieks)
                    You got into my samples case again,
                    didn't you?
          
          A whimpering Ed points to the mirror.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    What's your problem, it's only mud.
          
          The muddy feet turn toward the mirror and-
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
          
          ANGLE ON the mirror. Mike's 17. He turns on the water,
          splashes his face frantically. Mud gone. He's still 17.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
          
          Mike tears his suit jacket and shirt off...hairless chest.
          He yanks off his pants, peeks down his boxers-
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I'm dreaming right? Is this some
                    kind of hallucination?
          
          Mike pulls Ed up by his robe.
          
                                                                    18.
          
          
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Do something! Anything!    Pinch me!
          
          Ed throws a knee into Mike's nuts, bolts out the door
          SCREAMING. Mike crumbles.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I said pinch!
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/FOYER - DAY
          
          Ed reaches the door, fumbles with the locks. He just manages
          to open the door when Mike tackles him to the floor.
          
          The two buddies roll around, limbs intertwined.
          
                              MIKE
                    Calm down! We need to talk!     We
                    can work this out!
          
                              FEMALE VOICE (o.s.)
                    Aye dios mio!
          
          They stop wrestling, look up.   The LATINO MAID stands in the
          doorway genuflecting.
          
                              ED
                    Maria, we're just friends.   Really.
          
          The Maid hurries off muttering prayers in Spanish.
          
                                                               CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - LATER
          
                              ED
                    My theory is that you were
                    transformed by a freak congruence
                    of some of the planets most
                    volatile elements. I've recreated
                    the exact contents of the LA River.
                    The toxic pollutants, the
                    contaminants.
          
          REVEAL Mike in the gurgling green water of the hot tub.
          
                              MIKE
                    Well, it obviously isn't working.
          
                                                                   19.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    That's because the cocktail's not
                    complete.
          
          Ed picks up a TOASTER attached to an extension cord.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    Last night we had the worst
                    electrical storm of the last
                    hundred years.
          
                              MIKE
                    Is that true?
          
                              ED
                    It was pretty bad.
          
          Ed raises the toaster-
          
                              MIKE
                    Wait!! Wait!! Wait!! Do you
                    really think this'll work?
          
                                ED
                    It could.
          
          Ed tosses it in. Mike screams.   Nothing happens.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    Oops. Came unplugged. Won't be a
                    moment.
          
          Ed reaches down to plug it in.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    What were you doing by the river
                    anyway?
          
          CLOSE ON MIKE, Light bulb goes off.   He leaps out, runs for
          the house.
          
                              MIKE
                    The janitor!
          
                                                              CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DAY
          
          The Audi screeches to a stop in front of the school.   Mike
          bounds out, wearing a robe, races inside.
          
                                                                   20.
          
          
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
          
          Mike rushes past baffled STUDENTS, asking no one in
          PARTICULAR-
          
                              MIKE
                    Has anyone seen the janitor? Is
                    the janitor here? Where's the
                    janitor?
          
          Mike reaches the familiar wall of pictures.    Kids point,
          laugh, stare.
          
          A FEMALE JANITOR, steps from a room.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Excuse me! Excuse me!? Can you
                    tell me where I can find the night
                    janitor?
          
                              JANITOR
                    I'm the only custodial engineer
                    currently employed here.
          
                              MIKE
                    There was an old guy, white hair.
                    I showed him this picture of me-
          
          Mike points to the 1989 team photo.
          
                               JANITOR
                    -Of you?   That picture's from 1989.
          
          Mike backs away from the picture and the Janitor.
          
                               MIKE
                    Right.   Forget it.
          
          Confused, Mike stumbles to the bathroom. He's about to enter,
          three letter jacket wearing JOCKS, STAN, JAZZ and KEVIN,
          burst out laughing, knocking Mike on the way by.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/BATHROOM - DAY
          
          Mike enters, moves to a sink, turns the water on-
          
                              VOICE (o.s.)
                    Can I get a little help in here?
          
          Mike turns, sees what appears to be UNDERWEAR stretched over
          the corner of a closed stall door.
          
                                                                  21.
          
          
          
          Mike approaches the door, swings it open...there HANGS Alex,
          sneakers dangling 3 feet off the ground. The back of his
          underwear wrenched up over the corner of the door.
          
                               MIKE
                    Alex?   What are you doing up there?
          
                              ALEX
                    I wanted to see if I could get my
                    nuts into my esophagus. What do
                    you think I'm doing!? Get me down!
          
                               MIKE
                    Okay.   Okay. I'll get you down.
          
          Mike pulls the underwear off the door.   Alex drops, reaches
          down his pants, adjusts his underwear.
          
                              ALEX
                    How do you know my name?
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm...Mark...Freedman. Your Uncle
                    Ed's son. He told me to look out
                    for you.
          
                              ALEX
                    Uncle Ed has a son?
          
                              MIKE
                    Believe me, it's gonna be a
                    surprise to him too. Did those
                    guys do this to you?
          
                              ALEX
                    Goons from the basketball team.
          
                               MIKE
                    But why?
          
                              ALEX
                    Because they can and so they do on
                    a daily basis.
          
                              MIKE
                        (SHOCKED)
                    But you're one of them.
          
                              ALEX
                    No, I'm not. Nice robe, guy. Gotta
                    go.
          
          Alex walks out bowlegged.   A devastated Mike watches him go.
          
                                                                  22.
          
          
          
          
          INT. AUDI - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Mike drives off out of the parking lot. To his left he spies-
          ANGLE ON: Stan and Maggie making out against Stan's Mustang.
          
          Mike pounds on the horn, scaring them apart.   Drive's off.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          Ed sits at the island, a laptop in front of him. On the
          screen WE see he's perusing www.spellscursesincantations.com.
          
          The sound of the front door opening and closing. Mike enters.
          
                              ED
                    Did you find the janitor?
          
                              MIKE
                    He doesn't exist.   Nothing makes
                    sense.
          
                              ED
                    Did he ask you for your soul?
          
                              MIKE
                    No?
          
                              ED
                    That's a good sign. We can
                    eliminate Satan.
                        (clicks on a link)
                    I think what we're dealing with
                    here is a spell of enlightenment.
                        (peruses the page)
                    "Spell affect"..."casting
                    procedure"...yada, yada, yada.
                    Basically it's a learning spell.
                    There's something you need to
                    figure out and until you do you'll
                    stay a kid. My guess is that
                    janitor was probably a war...
          
                              MIKE
                    ...I'm going back to high school.
          
                              ED
                    ...lock. I'm sorry. Could you
                    repeat that? Because I thought you
                    just said you were-
          
                                                                 23.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Going back to high school.
          
          Mike grabs a beer from the fridge, cracks it. As Mike is
          about to take a sip, Ed swipes the beer from his hand...CHUGS
          it down.
          
                              ED
                    Are you out of your freaking mind!?
          
                              MIKE
                    My son was hanging by his underwear
                    from a bathroom stall door and my
                    daughter was being mauled by a
                    smarmy gorilla. They need me.
          
                              ED
                    What about your job?
          
                              MIKE
                    Email and telephone.   I got it
                    covered.
          
                              ED
                    Well, Scarlet, then.   What are you
                    gonna tell her?
          
                               MIKE
                    Nothing.
          
                              ED
                    You're just gonna disappear?
          
                              MIKE
                    To be honest, I think she'd rather
                    have it that way. What's with the
                    attitude?
          
                              ED
                    Because I know you're going to suck
                    me into this and I'm not going back
                    there, Mike. You'll never get me
                    to go back to Fitch. Never!
          
                                                            CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/OFFICE - DAY
          
                              ED
                    I hate you.
          
                                                                  24.
          
          
          
          PULL BACK TO REVEAL Ed and Mike sit outside Principal's
          office. Mike is dressed in an overly exaggerated hip style,
          (a grown-ups concept of what's cool- he looks ridiculous).
          
                                MIKE
                      Take a deep breath. All you have to
                      do is enroll me and say as little
                      as possible.
          
          Ed calms.   Mike pulls a manila folder out of his book bag.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                      Are you sure these look legit?
          
                                ED
                          (offended/cocky)
                      Please. I created software used to
                      launch the space shuttle. I think
                      I'm capable of forging some report
                      cards. What's up with the gear?
          
                                MIKE
                      This is hip teenage apparel. I got
                      it right off the mannequin at Ed
                      Hardy.
          
                                SECRETARY
                      Ms. Goodwin will see you now.
          
          Mike and Ed stand, head for the door marked `Principal'.
          
                                ED
                      First sign this old hag is on to us
                      I'M-
          
          Mike and Ed step through the door-
          
          
          INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          MS. GOODWIN, 35, sits behind her desk...she's no hag. She's
          an attractive, buttoned-up professional.
          
          Ed's face lights up and without missing a beat-
          
                                ED
                      -so glad we chose this school.   I'm
                      Ed Freedman.
          
          Ed steps in front of Mike, shakes Ms. Goodwin's hand.
          
                                                                  25.
          
          
          
                              JULIE
                    Nice to meet you. I'm Julie
                    Goodwin, principal here at Fitch
                    Senior High. And you behind there?
                    You are?
          
          Mike tries to peer around Ed.   Mike finally physically moves
          Ed steps aside.
          
                              ED
                    Oh, right. Sorry. This little
                    chicken pock here is Mark. Say
                    hello, Mark.
          
          Ed smiles, rubs Mikes head vigorously.   Mike slaps his hand.
          
                              MIKE
                    Nice to meet you, Julie.
          
                              JULIE
                    Around here you're going to have to
                    use Ms. Goodwin. Please, sit.
          
          Mike and Ed sit.
          
                              ED
                    Before we get started I want you to
                    know that Mark's a bastard.
          
                              JULIE
                    Excuse me!?
          
                              ED
                    I had him out of wedlock.   So the
                    answer is yes, I'm very
                    single...and very rich.
          
                              MIKE
                    Dad met mom in Thailand. She's a
                    very successful prostitute.
          
          Ed's smile fades.
          
                              JULIE
                    O-Kay. Did you bring your
                    transcripts?
          
          Mike hands Julie the folder. As Julie browses through it, Ed
          and Mike get into a pinching, elbowing fight. When she looks
          up, the friends stop. Both smiling.
          
                                                                   26.
          
          
          
                              JULIE (CONT'D)
                    So the last school you went to was
                    Cutler High in Connecticut. And
                    you were a straight A student.
                    Very impressive.
          
                              ED
                    I help him with his homework...a
                    lot.
          
                              MIKE
                    Oh, dad, the doctor called.     You
                    were right. It is herpes.
          
          Ed's jaw drops.   Julie rises abruptly.
          
                              JULIE
                    I think it's time we got Mark to
                    class. Lisa! Lisa!
          
          The door opens, in steps LISA, 18.
          
                              JULIE (CONT'D)
                    Lisa, will you print out a schedule
                    for Mark and show him to class?
          
                               LISA
                    Sure.   Come on, Mark.
          
          Mike stands.   Ed addresses him as fatherly as he knows how-
          
                              ED
                    Be a good boy now.   And sit up
                    straight.
          
          Mike glares at Ed, follows Lisa out.    Ed turns to Julie.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    They grow up so fast. Mojito?
          
                              JULIE
                    I beg your pardon.
          
                               ED
                    You strike me as a Mojito gal. I
                    know this little Cuban place, great
                    PLANTAINS-
          
                              JULIE
                    -Yeah, no. I don't date my
                    students' parents. It's a rule of
                    mine.
          
                                                                   27.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    I'll enroll him somewhere else.
          
                              JULIE
                    I really need to get back to work.
          
          Julie ushers Ed to the door.
          
                              ED
                    See you at the next bake sale then?
          
          Julie shuts the door, shakes her head in disbelief.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
          
          Mike steps in. Scattered giggles at his appearance. Mike
          takes a seat, eyes three sexy girls wearing next to nothing,
          SAMANTHA, LAUREN and JAMIE, busy texting on their phones.
          
                               MIKE
                    Do their mothers know they dress
                    like that?
          
          A GIRL next to him leans over-
          
                              GIRL
                    Those are the Wonder Bras.    Beware.
          
          The Jocks, Stan, Jazz and Kevin strut in. Mike's eyes
          narrow. Stan stops before Mike, looks him up and down-
          
                              STAN
                    What did you did do? Mug the
                    mannequin at the Ed Hardy store?
          
                              JAZZ
                    Tool!
          
          Laughter from the class. Mike shies. The Jocks sit, Stan
          behind Mike. Just as the last bell rings, Maggie rushes in,
          sits with the Bras.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Oh thank God he's not here.    I ran
                    all the way from-
          
          Something catches Maggie's eye.   It's Mike waving to her.
          
                              MAGGIE (CONT'D)
                    Why's that freak waving at me.
          
          Maggie places a hand over her face, looks down.
          
                                                                 28.
          
          
          
                              MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                    Take your seats. Stop the talking.
          
          MR. ADAMS, 45, prissy, strides in carrying a stack of papers.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    Here are yesterday's tests.    Let's
                    see how you all did.
          
          Moans from the class. Adams walks up and down the aisle
          slapping them down on the desks..
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    C-, C, B-, D, D-, F
          
          Adams reaches Maggie, drops the test on her desk...
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    D for O'Donnell.
          
          Humiliated, Maggie lowers her head.
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    Let me guess. Early acceptance?
                        (Maggie nods)
                    Where are we going?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Georgetown.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    If you flunk senior calculus you'll
                    be lucky to get into beauty school,
                    missy. So, if you plan on slacking
                    your way through my class, don't.
                    Save your parents tuition money and
                    pick up a blow dryer...
          
          Mike angrily stands-
          
                                 MIKE
                    Enough!
          
          Mr. Adams turns to Mike.
          
                                 MR. ADAMS
                    Excuse me?
          
                              MIKE
                    Do you think humiliating a 17 year-
                    old in front of her peers is
                    helpful or do you just get off on
                    it?
          
                                                                   29.
          
          
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    And you are?
          
                              MIKE
                    Mark Freedman. It's my first day.
          
          Adams turns, walks back towards the front of the room.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    Well, Mr. Freedman-
          
          Stan signals his friends, takes out a LIGHTER, flicks it,
          leans forward and places the flame BETWEEN Mike's legs.
          
          The flame GLOWS RED against Mike's jeans.   The Jocks and Bras
          pull out their cells and begin VIDEOING.
          
          Adams scribbles on a pad-
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    -you've earned yourself a trip to
                    the principal's office. Welcome to
                    Fitch.
          
          Adams rips the paper off, holds it out towards Mike.   Mike
          sniffs at the air-
          
                               MIKE
                    Is someone barbecuing?
                        (BEAT)
                    YYYYEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!
          
          Mike LEAPS out of his shoes. A FLAME runs up his crotch.
          LAUGHTER. Mike, SCREAMING, runs around the room fanning his
          package.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    Get out, Mr. Freedman!
          
          Mike snatches the slip from Adams and out the door.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CAFETERIA - DAY
          
          A packed lunchroom. The CLIQUES sit amongst themselves. WE
          notice all the KIDS hunched over STARING AT THEIR PHONES.
          
          Mike enters carrying a bag lunch. A BLACK BURN MARK on the
          crotch of his pants. A GAYSIAN spots him, yells-
          
                              GAYSIAN
                    Go Hot Pants! Do your dance, Girl!
          
                                                                 30.
          
          
          
          The entire cafeteria turns to Mike and erupts in laughter.
          
          As Mike passes each table, WE see the kids are watching his
          `fire dance' on their phones.
          
          Mike approaches a table of the 3 BIGGEST LOSERS in school,
          unkempt hair, fat, acne. Mike begins to sit when-
          
                              BIGGEST LOSER
                    Look, we feel your pain. We really
                    do. But life's hard enough,
                    Brother.
          
          Mike nods, continues on past the snickering and catcalls
          until he sees Maggie and the Wonder Bras.
          
          ANGLE: Wonder Bra Table. Maggie, Samantha, Jamie and Lauren
          pick around plates of cafeteria food.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    What's the big deal? He stuck up
                    for me in class. It was a nice
                    thing to do.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    He was totally sexing on you.
          
                              LAUREN
                    He's coming. Pretend you're not
                    here.
          
          Mike approaches, big smile. The Wonder Bras look off in
          every direction except Mike's.
          
                              MIKE
                    Hi, Maggie. Hi, girls.     I'm Mark-
          
          The Girls continue looking away, ignoring Mike.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Girls?    Hello? Anyone home?
          
                                 LAUREN
                    Oh my God.     Can't you see we're not
                    here?
          
                                MIKE
                    Good.    So there's plenty of room
                    then.
          
          Mike drops down next to Samantha and across from Maggie.
          
                                                                 31.
          
          
          
                              JAMIE
                    Oh, look. He brought a bag lunch.
                    How sped. (special ed)
          
          Mike hides his lunch.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Look, this table is V.I.P.     You're
                    a NIP.
          
                              MIKE
                    What's a NIP?
          
                              LAUREN
                    Not Important. Go away.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maggie, why are you friends with
                    these horrible girls?
          
                               MAGGIE
                    Listen, I appreciate what you did
                    in class but, I already have a
                    boyfriend.
          
                              MIKE
                    You have a boyfriend?
                        (his phone rings)
                    Excuse me a second.
          
          Mike pulls out an OLDER Blackberry phone, looks at the caller
          ID...Scarlet. He sends it to voice mail.
          
                              JAMIE
                    He still gets calls.    How 2007.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    I think my grandfather has that
                    phone.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maggie, could we talk somewhere
                    ELSE-
          
          The sound of a bouncing ball interrupts.
          
                               MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                    Yo!
          
          Mike turns.   Stan, Jazz and Kevin swagger over.
          
                                                                  32.
          
          
          
                              STAN
                    Bro-ski, what are you doing at our
                    table?
          
                               MAGGIE
                    Nothing.   He was just leaving.
          
          Maggie nods for Mike to go.
          
                              MIKE
                        (SARCASTIC)
                    We should do this again sometime.
          
          Mike stands. Stan pulls Maggie up, starts making out with
          her, hands all over her. WE can see Mike's blood BOIL until-
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Get your hands off her, you little
                    punk!
          
          Oops. Stan stops groping, steps over to Mike, a solid foot
          taller than him.
          
                              STAN
                    You gotta problem with me, `bra?
          
          Mike looks around...the entire cafeteria watches.   Defeated-
          
                              MIKE
                    No, no, I don't.
          
          Stan takes Mike's hat off, picks up an ice cream from
          Maggie's tray, puts the ice cream in the hat, places it back
          on Mike's head and SMUSHES it down.
          
                              STAN
                    Now make like Tom and Cruise.
          
          Flush with humiliation and ice cream dripping down his face,
          Mike turns and walks out.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    That was so not cool.
          
                             STAN
                    What? I'll buy you another ice
                    cream.
          
          WE see Alex, seated by himself at a back table, shake his
          head in disgust.
          
                                                                  33.
          
          
          
          
          INT. RESTAURANT/BAR - NIGHT
          
          A beaten down Mike sits alongside Ed at the bar.
          
                              MIKE
                    It was terrible. The place is
                    evil, Ed. That building needs to
                    be exorcised.
          
                              ED
                    Come on. It couldn't have been
                    that bad.
          
                              MIKE
                    My beanbag was lit on fire, videoed
                    and sent to every member of student
                    body.
          
                              ED
                    Yeah, I caught it on youtube.
                    Funny stuff.
          
                              MIKE
                    They mocked my clothes and phone.
                    My daughter got a tongue bath in
                    front of me and I have mint chip in
                    my ears.
          
                              ED
                    High school's great, isn't it?
          
          The BARTENDER approaches.
          
                              BARTENDER
                    What can I get you?
          
                              MIKE
                    Double scotch neat.
          
                              BARTENDER
                    Funny, kid.
          
                              ED
                    Get the boy a Shirley Temple.
                    Extra cherries.
          
          The Bartender nods serves up the drinks.   Mike miserably
          plucks a cherry off his pink drink.
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm not going back there.
          
                                                                    34.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    Mike, you're an adult sitting on 36
                    years of experience. You should be
                    dominating these kids, ripping
                    their hearts out.
          
          An OLDER WOMAN takes a seat next to the boys.
          
                              MIKE
                    I know why you're encouraging me
                    all of a sudden.
          
                              ED
                    Because I'm a supportive dad.
          
                               MIKE
                    Because you want to nail my
                    principal.
          
                              ED
                    Did she ask about me?
          
                              MIKE
                    She's not your type. She's smart.
          
                              ED
                    As far as I can tell that's her
                    only flaw. I need a reason to see
                    her again. You could flunk your
                    classes, start a fight, vandalise
                    the place. You'll figure it out.
                    Then I can rush in, a teary eyed,
                    helpless, single dad who can't
                    handle his angry, kitten killing
                    son. What do you think?
          
          The Older Lady, having listened to it all, turns to Ed-
          
                              OLDER LADY
                    I think you should be reported to
                    child services!
          
                              ED
                    Mind your business, Lady.   This is
                    a family matter.
          
          The Lady turns away in disgust.
          
                              MIKE
                    I can't do it. I don't have it in
                    me.
          
                                                                  35.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    Hey, no sweat off my sack. Tell
                    Alex to stop wearing underwear all
                    together. He'll be fine. That's
                    what I did.
          
          Mike eyes Ed, considers just how "well adjusted" Ed is. A
          determined look comes over Mike. He pounds the bar.
          
                              MIKE
                    You're right! My kids need me.
          
                              ED
                    At'a boy. Now what you need is a
                    crash course on being a teen in
                    2008.
          
          A MONTAGE OF MIKE'S CRASH COURSE
          
          
          EXT. MAGAZINE STAND - NIGHT
          
          The Boys gather a stack of TEEN MAGAZINES and TABLOID RAGS.
          Ed slips a MELONS Magazine into the pile.
          
          
          INT. TRENDY HAIR SALON - NIGHT
          
          A picture of a YOUNG, POPULAR STAR torn from one of the teen
          mags hangs on the mirror.
          
          A HAIRDRESSER cuts away and highlights Mike's long locks.     Ed
          sits beside Mike sipping wine, enjoying a manicure.
          
          
          INT. TRENDY CLOTHES STORE - NIGHT
          
          It's the PRETTY WOMAN scene. 2 hip SALESGIRLS pull clothes
          from racks. A clean cut Mike tries on sneakers, jeans, T-
          shirts, hoodies, shirts, jewelry. Ed nods with his approval
          or disapproval.
          
          At the register, the Girls hand Mike his bags of clothes.     Ed
          takes out his cell to put their numbers in it. The Girls
          frown and go back to work.
          
          
          INT. VIRGIN MEGA MUSIC STORE - NIGHT
          
          Mike and Ed stand before the wall of 100 top albums.   Both
          wear headphones listening and moving to the music.
          
                                                                   36.
          
          
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/OFFICE - NIGHT
          
          Mike and Ed, surrounded by the magazines and music discs, sit
          before the computer. Ed TEACHES Mike how to create a MYSPACE
          page.
          
          Bogus About Me and Interests. Photoshopped pictures of Mike
          in exotic locations. All the `now' movies, music and books.
          They fill his Friends section with only hot girls.
          
          The Boys view the flashy, finished product, tap fists.   This
          page makes `Mark Freedman' look like a playboy.
          
          
          INT. MAC STORE - NIGHT
          
          A SALESMAN hands a smiling Mike his new iPhone.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          Mike sits on the bed, types away on his laptop. A knock on
          the door. Mike looks up and YELLS. Ed stands in the
          doorway, his entire body and head wrapped in SEAWEED.
          
                              ED
                    Before you ask, it's a seaweed
                    wrap. I'm detoxifying as well as
                    losing an inch or 2 from my problem
                    areas.
          
                              MIKE
                    There must be a very hot girl
                    downstairs.
          
                                ED
                    There is.    What are you doing?
          
                              MIKE
                    I forwarded my calls to my new
                    phone, sent some work emails and
                    just lobbed one to Scarlet, told
                    her I was in Peru finding myself.
                    Think she'll buy it?
          
                              ED
                    Probably not because when she
                    called earlier I told her you were
                    being detained at Guantanamo.
                    Ready for tomorrow?
          
                                                                      37.
          
          
          
                               MIKE
                     I am so ready.
          
          Ed flips Mike a set of keys.     Mike's eyes light up.
          
                               ED
                     That ought'a put you over the top.
                     And don't forget to hook me up son.
          
          Ed plods off.   Off Mike's huge smile.
          
          
          EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - MORNING
          
          The usual pre-school ritual. Stan, Jazz, Kevin, the Wonder
          Bras and Maggie all hang around Stan's `stang.
          
          Stan and Maggie wrapped in a heated embrace, kissing.
          
          HONK.   A horn blares.    Stan and Maggie jump out of the way.
          
          An ASTON MARTIN VANQUISH stops next to the crew. The tinted
          window rolls down revealing the new and improved Mike.
          
          Mike winks then rolls on past.
          
                                  SAMANTHA
                     Oh my god.     Was that-
          
                               JAMIE
                     Did you see-
          
                               LAUREN
                     I told you he was cute.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
          
          It's the MOMENT.   Mike walks the hallway, handsome and hip.
          
          Samantha, Lauren and Jamie text by their lockers.    Mike
          struts up to them. The Bras smile.
          
                               MIKE
                     So I've been here a couple days now
                     and I think I got it figured out.
                     You girls are lesbians, right?
          
          The Bras' jaws hit the floor. Mike walks off, a huge grin on
          his face. Man, that felt good.
          
                                                                 38.
          
          
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CAFETERIA - DAY
          
          Mike steps from the kitchen area carrying a TRAY, scans the
          crowded room, finds Alex seated at a table ALONE. It's a
          heartbreaking image. Mike approaches-
          
                              MIKE
                    Mind if I sit here?
          
                                ALEX
                    Mark?    You look totally different.
          
          Mike sits across from Alex.
          
                              MIKE
                    I got rid of the bull's eye on my
                    forehead.
          
                              ALEX
                    Could you move to the left a
                    little?
          
          Mike inches left, peeks behind him...2 girls eat lunch
          together. The one facing them is a cute Latino, NICOLE, 16.
          
          Nicole smiles.    Alex quickly shies away.
          
                                 MIKE
                    Who's she?
          
                              ALEX
                    Nicole Lopez. She's in my Spanish
                    class.
          
                              MIKE
                    Have you spoken to her?
          
                             ALEX
                    No. I get all stupid so I just
                    stare.
          
                              MIKE
                    I'll tell you a funny story. The
                    first time I met your mother I was
                    so nervous-
          
                                 ALEX
                    My mother?
          
                                 MIKE
                    What?
          
                                                                  39.
          
          
          
                              ALEX
                    You said, `the first time I met
                    your mother I was so nervous...'
          
                                MIKE
                    I did?    That's weird.   Is your mom
                    hot?
          
                                ALEX
                    Dude.
          
                              MIKE
                    What's going on tonight?    You wanna
                    hang out? Do something?
          
                                ALEX
                    Really?
          
                              MIKE
                    Yeah you could show me around.
          
                                ALEX
                    Cool.
          
          The Wonder Bras sway in, take seats at the VIP table.
          
                              MIKE
                    I'll swing by your house around 7.
          
          Mike rises.
          
                              ALEX
                    I wouldn't go over there. Stan and
                    his Baboons have lunch this period.
          
                              MIKE
                    Don't worry. I'll see you tonight.
          
          Mike strolls over to the Bras' table, plunks himself down.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Did you girls catch Ellen
                    yesterday? Rosie was on. Melissa
                    Etheridge jammed-
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    -You're so rude!? We're not gay.
                    We like boys.
          
                              JAMIE
                    Yeah, Samantha's a total slu...
          
          Samantha's jaw drops.
          
                                                                 40.
          
          
          
                              LAUREN
                    Last New Year's Samantha made it
                    with my boyfriend.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    I was on like 5 Red Bulls! I can't
                    believe you keep bringing that up.
          
          The Bras' begin to bicker amongst themselves. Mike pulls out
          his new iPhone, plugs the earphones in his ears.
          
          The Bras immediately stop bickering, ogle the phone.
          
                                 JAMIE
                    Rad phone.
          
                              MIKE
                    I know. I'll text you...NOT.
                    Later...much.
          
          Mike rises from the table.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Like we'd ever give you our
                    numbers.
          
          Stan, carrying a basketball, his goons and Maggie come up
          behind Mike.
          
                                 STAN
                    Heads up!
          
          Stan whips the ball at Mike. Mike, cat-quick, spins around,
          catches the ball.
          
          The whole cafeteria turns their attention on Mike and Stan.
          Mike points to the name `Stan' on Stan's letter jacket, reads-
          
                              MIKE
                    Stan. Did mommy sew that on there
                    so you wouldn't forget your name?
          
          Laughter from the Students.
          
                              STAN
                    You think `cause you got a haircut
                    and new clothes people'd forget
                    what a fag you are?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Cut it out, Stan.    Let's eat.
          
                                                                    41.
          
          
          
                              STAN
                    Gimme my ball back, bee-yotch.
          
          Mike ignores him and starts dribbling.
          
                              MIKE
                    You know, Stan, I feel sorry for
                    you.
          
                              STAN
                    You don't know me.
          
          Mike speaks loudly now, playing to the cafeteria.
          
                              MIKE
                    Oh but I do. All too well. You're
                    the man. Captain of the basketball
                    team. Dates the pretty girls.
                    High school is your kingdom.
          
          Stan and his Posse tap fists. Mike dribbles between his legs.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    But, People, Stan's a bully. Why?
                    It would be way too easy to say
                    Stan preys on the weak because he's
                    simply a dick. No, Stan's more
                    complex than that. According to
                    leading psychiatrists Stan is a
                    bully for 1 of 3 reasons. 1, under
                    all that male bravado there's an
                    insecure little girl banging on the
                    closet door trying to get out. 2,
                    like a caveman, Stan's brain is
                    underdeveloped. Therefore Stan is
                    unable to use self-control so he
                    acts out aggressively. And the
                    third reason-
          
          Mike holds up his pinky then spins the ball on it.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I'd argue that Stan suffers from
                    all 3.
          
          The entire cafeteria LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
          
          Mike feigns whipping it back at Stan, who recoils, then
          gently rolls the ball back to Stan.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                        (WINKS)
                    Don't hurt yourself big boy.
          
                                                                    42.
          
          
          
          Some students, including Alex, ERUPT. The Wonder Bras eye
          Mike with new found lust.
          
          ANGLE ON Mike's face as he walks away.
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                        (to himself)
                    3, 2, 1...
          
          Mike ducks just as the ball whizzes overhead, rockets across
          the cafeteria landing on Miss Goodwin's tray, splattering her
          with food. She glares at Stan.
          
          Mike's iphone buzzes...ANGLE ON SCREEN: the Wonder Bras
          digits appear.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/COLLEGE CENTER - DAY
          
          Mike enters, approaches MRS. MENCER, 60.
          
                              MIKE
                    My guidance councilor made me come,
                    but just so you know I'm not
                    planning on going to college.
          
                              MRS. MENCER
                    A lot of kids feel that way. Don't
                    be intimidated. It doesn't hurt to
                    take a look.
          
          Mrs. Mencer hands Mike a hefty book.
          
                              MRS. MENCER (CONT'D)
                    A good place to start is here...
                    this book has information on every
                    college and university in the
                    country.
          
                              MIKE
                    Thanks.
          
          Mike sits, starts paging through the book and gets lost in
          the bright colored pictures...smiling STUDENTS, CAMPUSES and
          LECTURE HALLS...THE OPTIONS HE LOST YEARS AGO.
          
          
          INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT
          
          A pumped-up Mike dials...ringing. On the seat beside him
          rests a stack of college applications. Ed answers.
          
                                                                 43.
          
          
          
                              ED (o.s.)
                    Hello?
          
                              MIKE
                    It was incredible! I was
                    incredible! You should'a seen me!
                    I humiliated Stan in front of the
                    entire lunchroom. Everyone was
                    clapping. The popular girls were
                    begging to give me their numbers!
          
                              ED
                    See what happens when you put a
                    little lipstick on the pig? Did you
                    manage to get sent to the
                    principal's office?
          
                              MIKE
                    Man, I feel great! I even shot some
                    hoops after school. No aches. No
                    pains. Gotta run, Buddy.
          
          Mike hangs up.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          The Aston Martin pulls up. Mike climbs out, walks to the
          door, takes a deep breath and rings the bell.
          
                              SCARLET (o.s.)
                    Coming!
          
          The door opens revealing Scarlet in her dirty yard attire.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    I've been dying to meet you. I've
                    known your father since...(gasps)
          
          Scarlet...SPEECHLESS...visibly stunned by the resemblance...
          
                              MIKE
                    Is something wrong?
          
                              SCARLET
                        (FLUSTERED)
                    No. It's just...you look
                    like...No. I'm fine. Come in.
                    Please.
          
                                                                 44.
          
          
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
          
          Scarlet and Mike sit across from one another. Scarlet stares
          at Mike as if examining every pore on his face.
          
                              SCARLET
                    And you say Ed Freedman is your
                    father?
          
                              MIKE
                    That's my dad. All 68 inches of
                    him.
          
                              SCARLET
                    You don't look anything like him.
                    If you don't mind me asking, who's
                    your mother?
          
                              MIKE
                    My mother...she...she was...a...
          
          Mike spies Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment on a table.
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    -a convict. In New Jersey. They
                    met while dad was at Princeton.
                    She was on parole. B&E, fist
                    fighting, shanking. Nothing major.
                    But she's dead now.
          
                               SCARLET
                    Oh?   I'm sorry.
          
                              MIKE
                    I warned her about kite surfing
                    during hurricane season. So how
                    are things with you? Doing
                    anything exciting? Dating?
                    Flirting with Dom Johnson maybe?
          
                              SCARLET
                    Why would you ask about Dom? Did Ed
                    tell you to say that?
          
                              MIKE
                    I mean do what you want. You're a
                    grown woman but, word on the street
                    is Dom's been spreading gingivitis
                    all over town.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'll keep that in mind, Mark.
          
                                                                   45.
          
          
          
          Scarlet can't take her eyes off Mike.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    It's crazy how much you like my
                    husband when he was a teenager.
          
          Mike switches subjects, points to her dirty clothes-
          
                              MIKE
                    You doing some gardening?
          
                              SCARLET
                    I am. I'm a landscape designer.
                    I'm actually redoing the backyard.
                    I'll show you.
          
          Scarlet stands, leads Mike to the french doors.
          
                               SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    It's a work in progress so you'll
                    have to use your imagination some.
          
          Scarlet opens the doors, flips on the lights. The yard's
          been cleaned up. Fresh blankets of sod rest in piles next to
          stacks of limestone. HUNDREDS of unplanted plants, flowers,
          trees and shrubs sit around the yard in strategic positions.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
          
          Mike and Scarlet step outside.
          
                              MIKE
                    I almost don't even recognize
                    it...er...if I had seen it before I
                    probably wouldn't recognize it.
          
                              SCARLET
                    You wouldn't have. It was a
                    disaster back here a few days ago.
                    Obviously I have a lot to do still.
                    I'm laying the sod next and the
                    limestone pathway will go here.
          
          Scarlet moves about the yard, pointing and explaining.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    Then I'll plant all those, over a
                    hundred different types of flowers
                    and plants. I have an amazing
                    fountain being delivered that'll go
                    here and a bench over there.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                46.
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    And I'll string rows of tiny, white
                    lights above it all so every night
                    will be a starry one. It'll be a
                    real sanctuary back here.
          
                              MIKE
                    It seems like a lot'a work for one
                    person, Scar.
          
          A chill runs up Scarlet's spine.
          
                              SCARLET
                    My husband's the only one that ever
                    calls me that.
          
          Alex appears at the doors interrupting-
          
                                ALEX
                    Yo, Mark.    Let's do this.
          
                              MIKE
                    Good luck with the project.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Nice to meet you. And, Alex, be
                    home by 10:30.
          
          Mike heads back inside.   Scarlet stares after him.
          
          
          INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT
          
          Mike and Alex step in.
          
                              MIKE
                    How's your mom doing? You know,
                    with your dad not being around and
                    all.
          
                              ALEX
                    She doesn't like to show it but I
                    know she's bummed. I think it
                    bothers her more that he hasn't
                    called me or Maggie in a while.
                    Whatever.
          
          BEEP. BEEP. Mike pulls out his iPhone, text message from
          Samantha. It reads:
          
                             SAMANTHA'S TEXT
                    Wat^? mobinit 2 zuma. soi! but
                    w/e. brb. bk. gtg. ttyl. xo.
                    sam.
          
                                                                   47.
          
          
          
          Mike stares at the screen as if it were in hieroglyphics.
          
                              MIKE
                    I have no idea what this says?
          
          Alex takes the phone from Mike, reads-
          
                              ALEX
                    It says `What up? Mobbing it to
                    Zuma. So over it but whatever. Be
                    right back. Back. Got to go.
                    Talk to you later. kiss, hug. Sam.
          
                              MIKE
                    Let's hit the beach, wingman.
          
          The two touch fists.
          
          
          EXT. ZUMA BEACH - NIGHT
          
          A BONFIRE illuminates the night sky. MUSIC plays. KIDS lay
          on blankets, play football. Others splash in the ocean.
          
          WE find Maggie and the Wonder Bras seated by the fire.
          
                               SAMANTHA
                    We were on his myspace page.
                    There's a picture of him jamming
                    with the Chili Peppers at
                    Coachella.
          
                              JAMIE
                    I heard Timbaland wants to produce
                    an album with him.
          
                              LAUREN
                    Yeah, but he turned him down to
                    help orphans with Brangelina in
                    Nambib-ib-bib...in Africa.
          
                                 SAMANTHA
                    Oh my God!     I bet he knows Justin.
          
          ANGLE: Mike and a nervous Alex make their way down the sand.
          
                              ALEX
                    This looks boring. Let's go back
                    to my house and play video games.
          
          Alex turns.   Mike grabs his arm, turns him back.
          
                                                                     48.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you so nervous about?
          
                              ALEX
                    The beach is for the older, cool
                    kids. I don't belong here.
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you talking about? You're
                    a basketball player. You're cool.
          
                              ALEX
                    I don't play basketball. I mean, I
                    can play, I just don't play on the
                    team.
          
          Mike is stunned.
          
                              MIKE
                    But I thought you were getting
                    ready for the season?
          
                              ALEX
                    I never told you that.
          
          As a confused Mike and Alex approach the scene, BOYS call out
          to Mike, tap his fist. GIRLS fawn over him. Mike's become a
          celebrity...and he's eating it up.
          
          ANGLE: Lauren spots Mike with Alex.
          
                              LAUREN
                    Here he comes!
          
          The Bras whip their heads around, get all dreamy.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Can he be any lamer? Using my
                    little brother to get to me?
          
                               SAMANTHA
                    If that boy was an apple he'd be
                    delicious.
          
          Samantha leaps up, scurries over to Mike.      Lauren and Jamie
          chase after her. Maggie shakes her head.
          
          As Mike and Alex approach the gathering, Alex freezes up.
          
                               ALEX
                    Oh, man.   It's her.   She's here.
          
                                                                  49.
          
          
          
                               MIKE
                    Who?
          
          Alex nods towards the fire.   Seated with FRIENDS is Nicole.
          Alex BELCHES loudly.
          
                              ALEX
                    She's so pretty it makes me gassy.
          
                              MIKE
                    Calm down. Here's what you're
                    gonna do. You're gonna go over
                    there and introduce yourself-
          
                              ALEX
                    She won't like me, Mark.   I'm a
                    loser.
          
          Mike grabs Alex by the shoulders.
          
                               MIKE
                    Why? Because Stan says so? You
                    think Stan's a winner? He's going
                    nowhere. You're a great kid. Any
                    girl would be lucky to get your
                    attention.
          
                               ALEX
                    Really?
          
                              MIKE
                    Really. And right now, there's a
                    girl over there who's dying to meet
                    you.
          
          A determined look comes over Alex.
          
                               ALEX
                    Okay.   What do I say?
          
                              MIKE
                    Just introduce yourself. Then
                    compliment her on something she
                    never gets complimented on. Like if
                    she has big, meaty, man hands tell
                    her she should be a hand model.
                        (Alex burps nervously)
                    And don't burp on her.
          
                              ALEX
                    I can do that.
          
                                                                   50.
          
          
          
          Alex takes a deep breath, marches off just as Samantha runs
          up and throws her arms around Mike.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    You came! Why don't we take a walk
                    somewhere private and play?
          
          Jamie and Lauren rush over.
          
                              JAMIE
                    I don't think so, Sam. Mark
                    promised me a walk on the beach.
          
                              LAUREN
                    Walk with me. I've got less miles
                    on me.
          
          A full blown ARGUMENT breaks out between the Bras.    Mike sees
          Maggie sitting by the fire alone, slips out.
          
          ANGLE: Alex steps over to Nicole and suddenly loses
          confidence. As he turns to retreat, Nicole looks up-
          
                                 NICOLE
                    Hi.
          
          Alex stops, turns back around and blurts out-
          
                                 ALEX
                    Hi, Alex.     I'm Nicole.
          
          Nicole and her Friends giggle.
          
                              NICOLE
                    You don't look like a Nicole.
          
                              ALEX
                    You have big, meaty man hands.    You
                    should be a hand model.
          
          The Girls' jaws drop.    Nicole hides her hands.
          
                                 NICOLE
                    Oh my God!     Seriously!?
          
          Alex rips a huge BURP.    The Girls duck for cover.
          
                              GIRL 1
                    I think he got some on me!
          
                                                                   51.
          
          
          
                              ALEX
                    Wait. I'm sorry. I'm just real
                    nervous and I've wanted to talk to
                    you for so long. And Mark told me
                    to compliment you on something you
                    never get complimented on but I
                    couldn't find anything because
                    everything's so...perfect.
          
          Nicole and her Friends MELT.
          
                              NICOLE
                    Do you want to sit down, Nicole?
          
          Nicole scoots over making room next to her.    Alex smiles.
          
          ANGLE: Mike sits down beside Maggie.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    What do you want?
          
                               MIKE
                    Stan.   Why are you dating him?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Get to the point why don't you?
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm serious. He's not a nice guy.
                    Matter of fact he's a jackass.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Don't talk about him like that.
                    You don't even know him.
          
                              MIKE
                    I know he bullies your brother.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Stan barely knows Alex exists.
                    We're moving in together after
                    graduation.
          
                              MIKE
                    Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I thought you
                    were going to Georgetown?
          
                              MAGGIE
                    I'm going to Westwood Community
                    College. Stan and I both are.
          
          Mike loses it, leaps to his feet shouting-
          
                                                                  52.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    The hell you are, Young Lady! If
                    you think I'm gonna let you throw
                    your life away on some Sleestack
                    you're crazy! I forbid you to see
                    him anymore and that's final!
          
          Maggie jumps up.   Kids all stare.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Who do you think you are!?   My
                    father?!
          
          Maggie stomps over to the still bickering Bras.
          
                              MIKE
                    Don't you walk away from me,
                    Margaret Sarah O'Donnell!
          
          Maggie and the Bras turn towards Mike and glare.   Maggie
          heads for the parking lot.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Who's Margaret?
          
                              LAUREN
                    He doesn't even know her name.
          
                              JAMIE
                    He's so not into her.
          
          The Bras make the `text me' sign then hurry after Maggie.
          
          Mike kicks angrily at the sand and accidentally into the
          faces of a group of KIDS.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - MORNING
          
          A HOT GIRL wearing a `Lifeguard' bathing suit sits atop a
          high chair.
          
          Ed floats on a raft. A frozen drink next to him.    Scarlet
          looms over him, the 2 in a heated conversation-
          
                              SCARLET
                    I haven't heard from him in three
                    weeks. Obviously he doesn't care.
          
                                ED
                    He cares.
          
                                                                 53.
          
          
          
                              SCARLET
                    Then where is he?
          
          Mike steps from the house, sees Scarlet-
          
                              MIKE
                    What's going on?
          
                              SCARLET
                    Nothing, Mark. I was just dropping
                    something off.
          
          Scarlet tosses a manila envelope on the patio table.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    Our court date is the 27th. If he
                    has anything to say, he can say it
                    then.
          
          Scarlet exits.
          
                              MIKE
                    What was that all about?
          
                              ED
                    That envelope contains divorce
                    papers.
          
          Mike eyes the envelope, in stunned silence.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    But what do you care? You're going
                    to college, right? Life's one big
                    panty raid for you.
          
          Mike feigns innocence.
          
                              MIKE
                    I don't know what you're talking
                    about?
          
                              ED
                    I saw the applications in your
                    room.
          
                              MIKE
                    You went through my room!?
          
                              ED
                    If you'd cleaned like I asked I
                    wouldn't have had to. You can't be
                    serious about this can you?
          
                                                                 54.
          
          
          
          Mike starts to argue then gives in-
          
                              MIKE
                    I have to face the possibility that
                    I might never turn back and if
                    that's the case, I'm going to do it
                    right this time around.
          
                              ED
                    Karmically speaking, in the next
                    life you're coming back as a
                    hemorrhoid.
          
          Mike scoffs, storms off.    Ed calls after him-
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    I'm not paying for college!
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
          
          Mike shoves books in his locker.   Stan approaches.
          
                              STAN
                    You like her, don't you?
          
                               MIKE
                    Who?
          
                              STAN
                    My girlfriend. She told me you
                    were trashing me at the beach.
          
                              MIKE
                    Leave her alone, Stan.    She's a
                    good kid.
          
                              STAN
                    I don't know how good she is yet
                    but after I find out, she's all
                    yours.
          
          Stan walks off.   Mike slams his locker shut.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
          
          Mike slips inside the empty classroom, slathers KRAZY GLUE
          all over Stan's DESKTOP and CHAIR.
          
          Mike sits just as the rest of the class files in. Stan kisses
          Maggie and takes his seat.
          
                                                                 55.
          
          
          
          Stan leans on his desk, placing a FOREARM and a HAND on the
          sticky desktop. He catches Mike looking back at him and
          gives him a cocky wink. Mike winks back knowingly.
          
          Mike's phone beeps. He checks it...A PIX MESSAGE...3 perfect
          ASSES in tiny bikini bottoms. A wide-eyed Mike spins in his
          seat to find the Wonder Bras smiling at him.
          
          Mr. Adams enters.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    Settle, people.
          
          Adams scribbles a large equation on the blackboard.
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    This was your homework. Who can
                    come up here and solve this for me?
                    Anyone?
          
          Blank, uninterested faces. Scattered giggles.   Adams tosses
          the chalk angrily on his desk.
          
                              MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                    Not one person. Fine. Miss
                    O'Donnell. Come up here and dazzle
                    us with your brilliance.
          
          Maggie rises nervously from her seat, shuffles to the front
          of the class. As she passes Stan WE see...
          
          Stan lifts his fingers from the desktop...it's WET...he
          places his wet fingers to the tip of his nose and smells.
          
          When Stan tries to remove his fingers from his nose...they
          STICK. Stan tries to raise his other arm...STUCK.
          
                               STAN
                    Stuck!!!   I'm stuck!   My fingers!
          
          Stan stands, hunched...the CHAIR GLUED to his butt. The DESK
          ATTACHED to his forearm and his FINGERS STUCK to his nose.
          
          The Kids and Mike burst out laughing, break out their video
          phones as Stan fumbles around, dragging the desk, PANICKING.
          
                              MR. ADAMS
                    Sit down, Stan! Sit down!
          
                              STAN
                    It's glue! I'm glued to
                    everything!
          
                                                                 56.
          
          
          
          Jazz bounds out of his seat, grabs hold of Stan's wrist.
          
                              JAZZ
                    I'll get it off!
          
                                 STAN
                    No!    No!   Don't pull--!
          
          RRRRIIIIPPPP.    Jazz yanks.   Stan's SCREAM echoes.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
          
          Mike, wearing basketball gear and bouncing a basketball,
          stands in the middle of the court. Alex enters.
          
                               ALEX
                    I got your text.     What's so
                    important?
          
                              MIKE
                    This year you're making the team.
                    We practice everyday `til try outs.
                    That gives us a week and a half.
          
                                 ALEX
                    Forget it.
          
                              MIKE
                    Yeah, you're right. You probably
                    don't have any skills anyway.
          
          Mike begins to walk out.
          
                                 ALEX
                    Hey!     I got skills.
          
          Mike turns back.
          
                              MIKE
                    So what's your problem?      Is it Stan
                    and his friends?
          
                              ALEX
                    Just leave it alone.
          
                              MIKE
                    You don't need to be afraid of
                    them, Alex.
          
                              ALEX
                    I'm too small anyway.
          
                                                                 57.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    That's why we focus on your speed,
                    dribbling and outside shot.
                    Remember, it's not how big you are-
          
                              ALEX
                    -it's how big you play.
                        (QUIZZICALLY)
                    Where did you hear that?
          
                              MIKE
                        (COVERS)
                    I don't know? Read it somewhere I
                    guess. Be a sport. Show me what
                    you got.
          
          Mike tosses Alex the ball. Alex begins to dribble. Mike
          steps up to defend. Alex dribbles quicker, through his legs.
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Alright.   You got a little game.
          
          WHAM. The doors slam open. In walk Stan and his Posse.     A
          BLOOD speckled BAND-AID covers the tip of Stan's nose.
          
                              STAN
                    What are you 2 queers doing in my
                    gym?
          
                              MIKE
                    Let's go, Alex.
          
          Alex stops dribbling. He and Mike move towards the door.
          Stan and his Posse block the way.
          
                              STAN
                    I don't think so. You girls wanna
                    play with the boys then let's play.
                    2 on 2.
          
                              MIKE
                    We'll save you the embarrassment
                    for try-outs.
          
          Stan takes the ball from Alex, turns his back, dribbles.
          
                              STAN
                    Come on, Ally. Embarrass me.
          
          While dribbling, Stan moves backwards, bumping into Alex's
          midsection, forcing Alex back.
          
                                                                   58.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Back off, Stan.
          
          Alex takes a deep breath, tired of being afraid-
          
                                 ALEX
                    It's okay.     I got him.
          
          Alex throws his hands up, tries to defend the much bigger
          Stan. Stan easily backs Alex down, faking left and right.
          
                                 STAN
                    You ready?     Here it comes.
          
          Stan spins, elbows high...POW...Alex catches one to the head
          and DROPS. Stan shoots and scores.
          
                                 STAN (CONT'D)
                    2 points!     And I was fouled!
          
          Stan high 5's Jazz and Kevin. Blind with RAGE, Mike RUSHES
          Stan...WHAM...tackles him hard to the floor.
          
          Jazz and Kevin throw Mike off Stan, punching and kicking him.
          
          COACH HARVEY, now 58, enters the gym, runs over to the
          fracas, pulls the boys apart.
          
                             COACH HARVEY
                    Hey! That's enough! That's
                    enough!
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/OFFICE - DAY
          
          Mike and a nervous Alex sit outside the principal's office.
          Mike holds an ice pack to his eye.
          
                              ALEX
                    My mom's been in there a while.
                    She's gonna be pissed.
          
                              MIKE
                    Act like you're hurt and she won't
                    be able to stay mad at you.
          
          The door swings open.    An elated Ed blows in.
          
                              ED
                    Way to go, slugger! Get any shots
                    in?
          
          The Secretary's jaw drops.
          
                                                                    59.
          
          
          
                              SECRETARY
                    Mr. Freedman, your son has a black
                    eye.
          
                                 ED
                    Wuss!
          
          Ed sits between Mike and Alex.
          
                                 ED (CONT'D)
                    Hey, Alex.     How you doin', buddy?
          
                              ALEX
                    I'm okay I guess.
          
                              ED
                    Good. Good.
                        (turns to Mike, nudges
                         HIM)
                    Nice goin'. How do I look?
                    Anything in my teeth? How's my
                    breath?
          
          Ed flashes his pearly whites then blows on Mike. The
          principal's door opens, an angry Scarlet steps out.
          
                                 SCARLET
                    Ed.
          
                              ED
                    Hey, Scarlet. Exciting, isn't it?
                    My first parent/principal
                    conference.
          
          Scarlet looks sternly to Alex-
          
                                 SCARLET
                    Fighting?     What's gotten into you?
          
                              ALEX
                        (rubs his jaw)
                    I can't talk, Mom.     My jaw.
          
                              SCARLET
                        (MELTS)
                    My poor baby. And how about you,
                    Mark?
          
          Scarlet bends down so she's eye to eye with Mike.   She
          removes the ice pack...a purple shiner.
          
                                                                   60.
          
          
          
                               SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    Ouch.   You poor thing. Does it
                    hurt?
          
          Scarlet strokes Mike's face. Mike loses himself in her
          caring, gentle touch.
          
                              MIKE
                    Not anymore. You smell great.
          
          Scarlet, a bit weirded out by Mike, stands.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Alex, I'll meet you at the car.     I
                    need to talk to Uncle Ed for a
                    second.
          
          Alex shuffles out of the office.   Scarlet turns to Ed, hushed-
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    Did you give him the divorce
                    papers?
          
                              ED
                    I sent them to him.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Is it another woman? I can handle
                    it. Tell me the truth.
          
                              ED
                    I haven't heard from him, really.
          
          Scarlet looks down, fights back tears, unravels a bit...
          
                              SCARLET
                    Okay. If you do, please have him
                    call home. For the kids...I'm
                    running out of excuses-
          
                              ED
                    I'll tell him.    I promise.
          
          Scarlet forces a smile. Mike watches her go. For the first
          time he's seen HER REALITY...hurt, pain, frustration. Mike
          places his head sadly in his hands.
          
          Julie the Principal pokes her head out the door.
          
                              JULIE
                    Ed, come on in.
          
          Ed whispers to Mike.
          
                                                                   61.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    I'll take it from here.
          
          As Ed passes Julie on the way in-
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    I'm heartbroken. The boy's
                    incorrigible.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          Ed takes a seat across from Julie, puts on his best `troubled
          parent' look.
          
                              JULIE
                    Look, if it was only one isolated
                    fight it wouldn't distress me all
                    that much. Boys will be boys.
                    But, it's also been brought to my
                    attention that Mark may have Krazy
                    glued a boy to his chair.
          
          Ed stifles a laugh, puts on a serious face.
          
                                 ED
                    My son?     Mark!   Get in here!   Now!
          
          Mike slouches in, takes a seat.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    Did you glue a boy to his chair?
          
                                 MIKE
                    No.
          
          Ed throws his hands up in exasperation.
          
                              ED
                    See? The boy's out of control.
                    He's acting up at home. He won't
                    eat his vegetables-
          
                      MIKE                                 ED
          He shaves his back.                He sucks his thumb.
          
                       MIKE                                ED
          He wears girls underwear.          He wets his bed.
          
                                                                   62.
          
          
          
                              JULIE
                    Enough! Mark, I know it's hard to
                    be the new kid but if I have
                    anymore trouble from you, you'll be
                    facing detentions or worse. You
                    can go now.
          
          Mike nods, exits.   Ed stands and with exaggerated sadness-
          
                              ED
                    He's crying out for help and I
                    don't know what to do. It hurts so
                    bad. Maybe we could discuss this
                    over margaritas?
          
                              JULIE
                    Let's give him time to figure it
                    out on his own. If the situation
                    gets worse then we'll take the next
                    step.
          
                              ED
                    You're the expert. I'm just a
                    single dad out here blowing like
                    dust in the wind.
          
          Ed shakes Julie's hand and exits, sniffling.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
          
          A dirt covered Scarlet wrestles a roll of sod down.
          
                              MIKE (o.s.)
                    Got an extra pair of gloves?
          
          Scarlet peers over her shoulder...Mike wanders in.    Scarlet
          stands, wipes her bare, dirty hands on her jeans.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Gloves are for sissies.
          
                              MIKE
                    Yeah, but I just had a manicure.
          
                              SCARLET
                        (LAUGHS)
                    You're serious? You want to help?
          
                              MIKE
                    Are you kidding? I love
                    landscaping!
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  63.
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    It's right up there with watching
                    "Sex and the City" and snuggling.
          
          Scarlet laughs, eyes him skeptically-
          
                              SCARLET
                    Mark, I'm 36 years old-
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm just doing this to make a few
                    bucks so I can buy Laker tickets.
          
                              SCARLET
                        (BLUSHES)
                    Embarrassing. Sorry.      I'll give
                    you 10 dollars a day.
          
                              MIKE
                    Wow. 10 whole dollars. At that
                    rate I should be able to buy
                    tickets in...2011.
          
                                  SCARLET
                    Fine.   20.     Grab a roll.
          
          Mike and Scarlet, step over to the sod, lift a roll together,
          carry it over to the spot.
          
                              MIKE
                    What are the benefits like here?
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'll throw in a baloney sandwich.
          
                                  MIKE
                    Deal.
          
          Mike and Scarlet share a laugh.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/LIBRARY - DAY
          
          Mike strolls in, sits at a back table, pulls a college
          application from his knapsack. He takes out a pen, places
          the tip to the paper where it says `name' when-
          
          WE hear the muffled sound of CRYING. Mike rises, follows the
          sobs through the maze of stacks until he finds-
          
                                  MIKE
                    Maggie?
          
          -seated on the floor, head hidden between her knees.   Maggie
          looks up, sees Mike, quickly dries her eyes.
          
                                                                    64.
          
          
          
                              MAGGIE
                    What do you want? To rub it in my
                    face? Say I told you so?
          
                              MIKE
                    You lost me?
          
          Maggie drops her head back between her knees.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Stan dumped me.
          
          Maggie BAWLS loudly.    Mike panics, fearing the worst-
          
                              MIKE
                    What happened? What did he do?
                    You didn't...
          
                              MAGGIE
                    My mom was working last night.
                    Stan came over with a box of-
          
          Mike slaps his palms over his ears.
          
                              MIKE
                    Your next word better be `cookies'
                    or you're in big, big trouble!
          
                              MAGGIE
                    What am I going to do?    I can't
                    live without him.
          
          Maggie takes Mike's shirt, BLOWS her nose on it.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maggie, did you two...you
                    know...do...
          
                                 MAGGIE
                    Do what?
          
                              MIKE
                    That thing...that rabbits do a lot
                    of and that a girl your age should
                    never do and should only do when
                    she's married.
          
                               MAGGIE
                    Sex?   No, that's why he dumped me!
          
          Maggie bawls again. Mike silently celebrates, sits beside
          her, awkwardly pats her on the back.
          
                                                                     65.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    There, there now.       It's okay.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Sure he was a jerk but he was there
                    for me. Which is more than I can
                    say for any other man in my life.
          
          Maggie sobs uncontrollably.      Mike takes a deep breath, calms-
          
                              MIKE
                    When you're young everything seems
                    like the end of the world. But
                    it's not. It's just the beginning.
                    And you might have to meet a few
                    more jerks, but one day you'll meet
                    a boy who treats you the way you
                    deserve to be treated...like the
                    sun rises and sets with you.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    You really think so?
          
                                 MIKE
                    I know so.
          
          Maggie throws her arms around Mike, hugs him tight. Mike
          hugs her back. A moment he's never had with his daughter.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    You're so sweet.
          
          ANGLE ON Maggie's face.       She's SMITTEN.
          
          MONTAGE OF LIFE
          
          
          EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
          
          Alex dribbles, using both hands, while running through a maze
          of cones. Whenever he messes up, Mike makes him start again.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
          
          Mike and Scarlet settle the limestone rocks into the freshly
          laid sod creating a walkway.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
          
          Maggie solves a difficult problem on the board, much to Mr.
          Adam's chagrin.
          
                                                                   66.
          
          
          Maggie turns from the chalkboard and smiles flirtatiously at
          Mike. Stan catches this exchange and pops the back of Mike's
          head.
          
          
          EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
          
          Lights shine down. Alex stands behind the 3 point line.
          Mike feeds him balls. Alex shoots and moves. Shoots and
          moves. More misses than hits.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          Again, Mike and Ed sit before a stern Julie.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/DRIVEWAY - DAY
          
          Mike teaches Alex the cross over dribble. Scarlet brings the
          boys water. Mike checks her out as she goes back in the
          house. Alex bounces the ball off his head.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
          
          A muffled buzz. Mike reaches into his pocket, pulls out his
          phone. A PIX MESSAGE. Mike opens it. A close up of perfect
          CLEAVAGE.
          
          Mike peeks over his shoulder...the Wonder Bras text on their
          phones. He's confused until-
          
          -Mike turns a little more in his seat...MAGGIE smiles
          seductively at him, blows a kiss. Mike GASPS, spins back
          around...TRAUMATIZED.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
          
          Scarlet fills holes with plants then waters them with a hose.
          She turns, finds Mike SLEEPING in the grass. Scarlet picks
          up the hose, TURNS IT ON HIM. Mike leaps up, chases her.
          
          
          EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DAY
          
          Mike, Alex, Nicole, Maggie, the Bras and a slew of KIDS hang
          by Mike's Aston. Stan, Jazz and Kevin are all that's left by
          Stan's Mustang.
          
                                                                   67.
          
          
          
          
          EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
          
          Alex scampers through the maze of cones, dribbling from hand
          to hand...and does it perfectly. Mike and Alex high 5.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
          
          Mike and Scarlet lug an ornate, wooden bench to it's spot.
          They sit. Mike casually places a hand on Scarlet's leg.
          Scarlet casually removes it.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
          
          A game of 1 on 1. Alex dribbles up to Mike. Mike crouches
          in a defensive stance. Mike goes for the ball. Alex crosses
          over. Mike misses. Alex pulls up, shoots and scores. Mike
          smiles, shakes his head.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          Again, Mike and Ed sit before Julie. She hands Ed a slip of
          paper...3 detentions. Ed chokes back crocodile tears.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
          
          Mike places books in his locker, shuts the door revealing...a
          goo goo eyed Maggie. Mike startles and RUNS. Maggie chases.
          
          
          INT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
          
          Alex stands behind the 3 point line. Mike rapidly feeds him
          balls. Alex catches, shoots and moves. This time...they're
          all going in. Mike passes the last ball. Alex shoots and we-
          
                                                            CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
          
          CLOSE ON a ball going through the hoop. Wider reveals Alex
          following through. He and Mike tap fists.
          
          It's TRY-OUTS. Coach Harvey, a number of HOPEFULS, Maggie,
          Nicole and the Bras watch the game of half court, 2 on 2.
          Stan and Jazz vs. Mike and Alex.
          
                                                                    68.
          
          
          
          Mike and Alex school Stan and Jazz. Steals, picks, fancy
          passes and scoring. The Coach watches with awe. A final 3
          pointer by Mike in Stan's face seals the deal.
          
                               COACH HARVEY
                    That makes 11-3. Game over.
                    Gather up.
          
          As Alex passes Harvey, Harvey stops him-
          
                              COACH HARVEY (CONT'D)
                    You've gotta little bit of your old
                    man in you, O'Donnell.
          
          The Team and the Hopefuls huddle around Coach Harvey.
          
                              COACH HARVEY (CONT'D)
                    As you all know due to the amount
                    of seniors coming back I only have
                    2 open spots on the roster. It's
                    Freedman and O'Donnell. The rest
                    of you hit the showers.
          
          The Hopefuls trudge out of the gym.    Alex leaps into the air.
          
                               ALEX
                    Wooo!   We did it, Mark!    We did it!
          
                              MIKE
                    You killed it out there!
          
          Alex runs over, hugs Nicole. Mike beams with pride.     Coach
          Harvey puts an arm around him-
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Son, I don't know where you came
                    from but you just made my year.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          Alex rushes through the door.   Mike and Maggie follow.
          Maggie slaps Mike's butt.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
                                   ALEX
                    Mom!    Mom!
          
                              SCARLET (o.s.)
                    I'll be right out, Honey!
          
                                                                 69.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    I got'a use the bathroom.
          
          WE follow Mike down the hall. As he passes a half open door,
          he pauses, peeks in...Scarlet, facing away, pulls a shirt
          over her nude back, shakes out her long hair.
          
          Mike watches...no, he GAZES longingly, lovingly...lost in her
          beauty until...Scarlet turns, startles-
          
                             SCARLET
                    Mark? I didn't know you were
                    there.
          
                                 MIKE
                    I'm sorry.     You just look so
                    beautiful.
          
          Scarlet blushes...it's been a while since she's heard that.
          
                                 SCARLET
                    Thank you.
          
                              MIKE
                    Can I zip you up?
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'm wearing a sweater.
          
                              MIKE
                    Your jeans?
          
          Scarlet walks towards him and...SLAM...shuts the door on him.
          Mike wanders to the bathroom, shaking his head-
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    Stupid, idiot, stupid.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
          
          Mike enters, steps over to the toilet. Maggie slips in behind
          him, shuts the door. He whirls around.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maggie, what...
          
          Maggie places a finger on his lips.
          
                                                              70.
          
          
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Shhh. I get it now. Why you didn't
                    want me to be with Stan, the nice
                    things you said in the library.
                    It's because you wanted me.
          
          Maggie backs Mike against the wall.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maggie, listen to me.    I'm not the
                    person you think...
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Shhh. Yes, you are. You're a good
                    guy. You're not like the others.
          
                              MIKE
                    That's right! I'm not like the
                    others. I'm very different than
                    the others. So different that you
                    and I can never be...
          
          Maggie stops, looks quizzically at Mike-
          
                              MAGGIE
                    What are you trying to say?    Are
                    you..."confused"?
          
                              MIKE
                    Yes! Yes! That's it. I'm
                    confused. Extremely confused.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Ohmygod! It all makes sense now!
                    Your hair. The highlights.
          
          Mike starts to speak.   Stops.   Finally gets it-
          
                              MIKE
                    What? No-no-no-no. I'm not gay.
                    I'm...I've been in love with the
                    same girl since I was 17.
          
          Maggie switches back into predatory mode.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Who is it? Does she go to our
                    school? Do I know her?
          
                              MIKE
                    No, you don't. Now-
                        (eyes the toilet)
                    -if you don't mind?
          
                                                                       71.
          
          
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Tell your girlfriend she better
                    keep a close eye on you.
          
          Maggie smiles seductively and struts out.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          Alex types on his phone.   Mike enters.
          
                              MIKE
                    Who you texting?
          
                               ALEX
                    My dad.   I have to tell him about
                    today.
          
          Mike nods...then realizes...BEEP...BEEP. HIS PHONE.     Alex
          and Maggie look to Mike. Mike checks his phone.
          
                              ALEX (CONT'D)
                    Did you just get a text?
          
                              MIKE
                        (NERVOUS)
                    Me? No. Yes. It's Ed. I mean
                    dad. Not your dad. My dad. I'll
                    just call him back.
          
          Scarlet enters. She looks AMAZING.
          
                               SCARLET
                    So?   What happened? Tell me.     Tell
                    me.   I'm dying to hear.
          
                              ALEX
                    I did it. I'm a Falcon!     The first
                    game's in 2 weeks.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Oh my God, Alex! That's so
                    incredible!
          
          Scarlet wraps Alex in a big hug.    Mike watches.   It's a
          bittersweet moment for him.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    I'm so happy for you. And now I
                    want to show you guys something.
          
          Scarlet, unable to contain her excitement, leads Mike and
          Alex to the french doors and flicks a light switch...
          
                                                                  72.
          
          
          
                                SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    Ta da!
          
          Thousands of tiny, white lights illuminate Scarlet's OASIS...
          
                              MIKE
                    You hung the lights!
          
                              SCARLET
                    I wanted you to be the first to see
                    it.
          
                              ALEX
                    Mom, it's sick.
          
          
          EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
          
          The 3 step outside.   Mike, truly blown away, takes picture
          with his iPhone.
          
                              MIKE
                    It's amazing. I'm speechless. I'm
                    sorry I never saw how talented you
                    are...I mean when people see this
                    and how talented you are you'll be
                    designing sanctuaries all over the
                    city.
          
                               SCARLET
                        (BEAMS)
                    Thank you.
          
                              ALEX
                    Mom, why are you all dressed up?
          
                              SCARLET
                    Oh my God. I almost forgot.    I
                    have a date.
          
          Off Mike's stunned reaction.
          
                                                             CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/FOYER - NIGHT
          
          Mike marches in behind Scarlet.   As they reach the door, he
          steps in front of her.
          
                              MIKE
                    Let's see who the lucky guy is.
          
                                                                    73.
          
          
          
          Mike swings the door open revealing...Dom Johnson.
          
                                  MIKE (CONT'D)
                     I knew it!
          
          SLAM.   Mike shuts the door, blocks it.
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     I knew you had a thing for him!
                     You can't do this! You took vows.
                     What kind of example are you
                     setting for the kids!?
          
                               SCARLET
                     Mark, I'm flattered. Really, I am.
                     But I'm too old for you.
          
          Scarlet moves Mike aside, opens the door.     Dom stands in the
          doorway holding a bouquet.
          
                                DOM
                     Wow. You look absolutely
                     ravishing.
          
                               MIKE
                     Keep it in your pants, Casanova.
          
                               SCARLET
                     Don't mind him. You all set?
          
                               DOM
                     Let's do it.
          
          Scarlet heads for the van.     Dom looks to Mike-
          
                               DOM (CONT'D)
                     Hey, kid...if the vans'a
                     rockin'...well you know the rest.
          
          Dom imitates humping, jogs after Scarlet.
          
                               MIKE
                     Don't you lay a finger on her,
                     Johnson! I know where you live!
          
          Mike slams the door.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          A contemplative Alex scoops lasagna onto plates.    An agitated
          Mike enters, pulls up a seat at the counter.
          
                                                                  74.
          
          
          
                              ALEX
                    It's weird to think about my mom
                    with someone other than my dad.
          
                              MIKE
                    It's adultery! If this were
                    Afghanistan she'd be dragged
                    through the village by goats.   You
                    need to talk to her.
          
                              ALEX
                    My mom's been pretty sad the past
                    few months. She deserves to be
                    happy. My dad obviously
                    is...wherever he is.
          
                              MIKE
                    Maybe he's not? Maybe he wishes he
                    could be here right now with you
                    but there's a real good reason he
                    can't be.
          
                              ALEX
                    No, my dad's not a family guy. This
                    is dumb but I used to tell him I
                    was on the basketball team because
                    I knew he'd never make it to a
                    game.
          
                              MIKE
                    Then why would you tell him that?
          
                              ALEX
                    I guess I was hoping it would make
                    him like me more.
          
          Mike is CRUSHED.
          
          
          INT. GUCCI STORE - DAY
          
          Mike paces in front of a dressing room.   A SALESMAN waits by
          the door.
          
                              MIKE
                    My wife's moving on. My son
                    doesn't think I like him and my
                    daughter's in love with me. I need
                    to change back, Ed.
          
          Ed steps from the changing room wearing very tight, ultra hip
          clothes that belong on a 20 year old...he looks ridiculous.
          
                                                                 75.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    What about college?
          
                                MIKE
                    I'm not going. I'll be a pharm rep
                    til I die. I just want my family
                    back.
                         (BEAT)
                    You're not gonna wear that, are
                    you?
          
          Ed checks his butt in a full length mirror, nods happily.
          
                              ED
                    Baby's got back.
          
          Ed retreats into the changing room.
          
                              ED (CONT'D) (o.s.)
                    Now that Julie's agreed to go out
                    with me tonight, I need you to
                    start behaving. I can't have her
                    thinking my son is a complete
                    degenerate.
          
                              MIKE
                    Fine. I want to have some kids
                    over tonight to celebrate Alex
                    making the team. Is that cool?
          
          Ed, wearing only his banana hammock underwear and socks,
          steps from the room, hands the clothes to the Salesman.
          
                              ED
                    Wrap it up. No, it's not cool. I
                    remember hearing what those parties
                    were like, kids peeing everywhere,
                    food on the ceilings, puke in the
                    pool.
          
                              MIKE
                    Listen to you. You sound like an
                    old man.
          
          Other SHOPPERS eye Ed oddly as they pass.
          
                              ED
                    No party. I mean it.    Don't make
                    me take the car away.
          
                              MIKE
                    Don't treat me like a child, Ed.
          
                                                                   76.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    I won't when you stop acting like
                    one.
          
          Mike grabs Ed's bare tits and TWISTS. Ed screams, grabs
          Mike's tits and TWISTS. Both of them HOWL in pain.
          
                               SALESMAN
                    Sir!   Please!
          
          Mike and Ed, both still titty twisting, look up. Everyone in
          the store stares. They each let go, force smiles.
          
                              ED
                    This isn't over...son!
          
                              MIKE
                    Not even close...Dad!
          
          Ed stomps into the dressing room rubbing his sore boobs.
          Mike pulls out his iPhone, begins texting.
          
                                                              CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
          
          The Wonder Bras stand by their lockers when their phones
          beep...TEXT MESSAGE...
          
                              MIKE'S TEXT
                    Party at my house 2nite.   7.    Get
                    the word out.
          
          The Bras type away, simultaneously hit SEND. WIDE
          REVEALS...hundreds of students...the beeps of hundreds of
          cell phones.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          CARS line the street. A steady flow of KIDS stream towards
          the front door. MUSIC pounds from within. It's a RAGER.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          MAYHEM. Kids raid the refrigerator, throw food around.
          Another KID sprays the room with the removable sink head.
          
          Mike rushes in, grabs the sink head from the Kid.
          
                                                                   77.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Give me that!
          
                                 WONDER BRAS (O.S.)
                    Hey, Sexy.
          
          Mike turns without thinking SPRAYING all 3 Wonder Bras in the
          face. The Bras scream. Mike replaces the nozzle.
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm so sorry. Have you seen Alex?
          
          The Bras wipe themselves off, grab Mike's hands.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Dance with us!
          
          The Bras drag a reluctant Mike out of the kitchen and into -
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
          
          PARTY-GOERS dance everywhere and on top of everything.
          
          The Bras surround Mike, each girl grinding on him as if it
          were a competition.
          
          Lauren takes Mike by the face, turns him towards her-
          
                              LAUREN
                    Nambib-bib-ib, that African country
                    makes me horny.
          
          Jamie spins Mike towards her, places his hands on her boobs-
          
                              JAMIE
                    Perfect, aren't they?
          
          Samantha pulls Mike roughly by the hair, twists him around-
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Which one of us is it gonna be?
          
          Mike tries to squeeze out. The Bras block him. The music
          changes...a remix version of Hammer's `Can't Touch This'
          blares.
          
                              MIKE
                    I thought you girls wanted to
                    dance?
          
          Mike breaks into the 80's Hammer routine WE saw from the
          first scene.
          
                                                                      78.
          
          
          
          The Bras back up. Party-Goers stop what they're doing and
          watch...not sure whether to laugh or join in.
          
          And then, the Bras fall in.      Followed by others.   The party
          just got hotter.
          
          Maggie runs through the party and out the back. Stan chases
          after her. Mike inconspicuously Hammer walks his way out of
          the mix and outside.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - NIGHT
          
          Stan corners Maggie against the back wall.
          
                              STAN
                    I was upset. I'm sorry. But I
                    need you to show me you love me.
                    Then we'll move in together.
          
                                MAGGIE
                    Whatever.    I'm with someone else
                    now.
          
                              STAN
                    Yeah, right. Who'd be stupid
                    enough?
          
                                MAGGIE
                    Him.
          
          Stan turns angrily toward Mike as he approaches.
          
                              MIKE
                    Party's over, Stan.      You're out of
                    here.
          
                              STAN
                    Who's gonna make me leave?      You?
          
                              MIKE
                    I would but it smells like you've
                    been drinking so I'll let the cops
                    do it.
          
          Mike pulls out his phone.      Stan looks to Maggie then back to
          Mike, laughs-
          
                              STAN
                    You can have the nun.      She doesn't
                    put out anyway.
          
                                                                 79.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    On second thought-
          
          Mike SWINGS. Stan ducks, throws a giant uppercut. POW.
          Mike's eyes roll back in his head and WE cut to BLACK.
          
          
          INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT/DINING ROOM - NIGHT
          
          The HOSTESS shows Ed and Julie to their table by the window.
          Ed wears his new Gucci outfit. Julie's under dressed.
          
                              HOSTESS
                    There you are, Mr. Freedman.
          
                             ED
                    Thanks. Put this towards your
                    studies.
          
          Ed hands the Hostess a 50.   Julie rolls her eyes.
          
                              JULIE
                    When you asked me to get together
                    to talk about Mark this isn't what
                    I envisioned. This isn't a date,
                    Ed.
          
                              ED
                    Are you insinuating that I'd use my
                    son's misfortune just to go out
                    with you? What kind of a father do
                    you think I am?
          
                              JULIE
                    As long as we're on the same page.
          
          A WAITER approaches.
          
                              WAITER
                    Good evening. Would you care to
                    see the wine-
          
                              ED
                    Bring us the 1962 Petrus.
          
          The Waiter nods, leaves.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    You're going to love this wine.
                    $2000 dollars a bottle.
          
                                                           80.
          
          
          
                              JULIE
                    I don't drink. So tell me what you
                    think's going on with Mark?
          
                              ED
                    It's baffling really but I noticed
                    he's been drinking a lot of diet
                    ice tea lately. Maybe he's gay?
          
                              JULIE
                    You didn't ask me here to talk
                    about Mark, did you?
          
                              ED
                    Do you like caviar? Because if you
                    do you have to try the Almas. 100
                    year-old Beluga. $700 per ounce.
          
          Julie throws her napkin on the table.
          
                              JULIE
                    You're disgusting, Ed.
          
                              ED
                    What? You don't like Beluga?     You
                    can get something else.
          
                              JULIE
                    I'm not some 22 year-old who you
                    can impress with caviar and
                    expensive wine.
          
                              ED
                    Would the caviar and expensive wine
                    impress you if you were on a yacht
                    off Monte Carlo?
          
                              JULIE
                    I came here because I'm concerned
                    about the wellbeing of your son but
                    you don't care about Mark. All
                    you're concerned with is proving to
                    me how wealthy you are.
          
                              ED
                    I do care about Mike...Mark.
                    Whatever his name is.
          
                              JULIE
                    You know what's too bad, Ed? I'm
                    sure when you were the guy the boys
                    picked on and the girls ignored you
                    were really sweet.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                 81.
                              JULIE (CONT'D)
                    But you thought becoming rich would
                    solve all your problems. Instead it
                    made you just like them. I have to
                    go.
          
          Julie rises.   Ed takes her wrist.
          
                              ED
                    Wait. You're right. I'm acting
                    like an idiot. I'm sorry. Please
                    stay.
          
          Julie begrudgingly sits back down.
          
                              JULIE
                    Act normal or I'm leaving.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          CLOSE ON Mike's face, eyes shut. A hand gently strokes his
          head. Mike stirs awake, smiles, eyes still closed-
          
                              MIKE
                    I had the craziest dream. I was 17
                    again and back in high school. It
                    was horrible, Scarlet-
          
                                MAGGIE (o.s.)
                    Scarlet!?
          
          Mike's eyes pop open. WIDER reveals Mike and Maggie on the
          bed. Mike's head rests on Maggie's lap.
          
          Mike JUMPS off the bed, scrambles to the other side of the
          room and behind a chair. Maggie leaps off the bed.
          
                              MAGGIE (CONT'D)
                    You wanna play? Okay, let's play.
                    I'm the hungry lioness and you're a
                    baby gazelle.
          
          Maggie ROARS, chases Mike around the room.
          
                              MIKE
                    Wait! This is highly inappropriate
                    and dysfunctional. Listen to me,
                    Maggie. I'm your father.
          
          Maggie growls, stalks Mike around the bed.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    And I've been a bad, bad girl,
                    Daddy.
          
                                                                   82.
          
          
          
          Maggie dives across the bed.    Mike dodges, runs out the door.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
          
          Alex and Nicole sit closely by a fire pit, laughing.
          
                              ALEX
                    How about Mrs. Cruz? Every time
                    she rolls her r's she spits all
                    over me.
          
          Alex imitates Mrs. Cruz. Nicole laughs, places her hand on
          Alex's leg. Alex looks down at her hand, then up at her,
          both staring at one another...THE MOMENT.
          
          Nicole closes her eyes, moves in. Alex moves in then
          FREAKS. He bounds out of his chair, sprints inside leaving
          Nicole hanging.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          A distraught Alex pushes his way through the insanity.   He
          finds Mike running down the stairs.
          
                              ALEX
                    Mike, I blew it!     I totally blew
                    it!
          
                                 MIKE
                    Blew what?     What happened?
          
                              ALEX
                    She wanted me to kiss her but I
                    panicked. I didn't know if I
                    should close my eyes or which way
                    to turn my head or how much tongue
                    I'm supposed to use-
          
                              MIKE
                    Slow down. Have you ever kissed a
                    girl before?
          
                              ALEX
                    Not a real one. I used to practice
                    on my dad's Playboys.
          
                              MIKE
                    How did you find...forget it. It's
                    easy. All you have to do is take
                    her face in your hands gently like
                    THIS-
          
                                                                      83.
          
          
          
          Mike places a hand gently on either side of Alex's face.
          
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     -hold her still as you adjust your
                     head, close your eyes and kiss her.
                     The rest happens naturally.
          
          A BOY walks past, sees Mike romantically holding Alex's face.
          
                               BOY
                     That is so wrong.
          
          Mike and Alex quickly separate.
          
                               ALEX
                     What if I, you know, pitch a tent?
          
                                MIKE
                     If you feel it, you know, getting
                     angry, take a step back. Now go get
                     that kiss.
          
          Alex takes a deep breath, steps outside.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
          
          A determined Alex marches over to the seated Nicole.
          
                                ALEX
                     Nicole.
          
          Nicole stands-
          
                               NICOLE
                     I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to-
          
          Before she can finish Alex's hands are on her face and his
          lips on hers. It's as if time stands still.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          Mike watches his son's MAGICAL FIRST KISS.     And when Alex
          takes a step back, Mike laughs.
          
          BEEP.   BEEP.   Mike pulls out his phone.   Text message.
          
                                SAMANTHA'S TEXT
                     911.   ^stairs. mastr b-room.
          
          Mike rushes to the stairs. An angry Maggie storms down them.
          Mike ducks. Maggie passes. Mike races up.
          
                                                                 84.
          
          
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/HALLWAY - NIGHT
          
          Mike sprints down the hall, throws open the door to find-
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          Samantha, Jamie and Lauren in the bed, clothes on the floor.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    We decided not to make you choose.
          
                              JAMIE
                    You can have all 3 of us.
          
          The chance of a lifetime.    A legend making moment.
          
                              MIKE
                        (looks sadly at the Bras)
                    Girls, if I was 20 years younger
                    I'd...probably only last 10 seconds
                    anyway. Put your clothes back on.
          
          Mike turns, exits. On the way out WE actually hear SNIFFLING.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Was he crying?
          
          
          INT. UPSCALE RESTAURNT - NIGHT
          
          Julie laughs hysterically.
          
                              ED
                    God's honest truth. I had the
                    whole costume. I used to go
                    everywhere dressed like a wizard.
                    No wonder I didn't get a date all
                    through high school. Annnnd you
                    think I'm the biggest nerd ever.
          
                              JULIE
                    No, no, really. I don't.
                        (catches her breath,
                         suddenly serious)
                    Hark! Who goes there?
          
                              ED
                        (UNSURE)
                    Tis I. The Wizard they call
                    Marius. And who might you be fair
                    maiden?
          
                                                                     85.
          
          
          
          Free to be herself, Julie lets her hair down, shakes it out.
          
                               JULIE
                      Tis I! Elf Princess Ariala of
                      Jamroar.
          
                         ED                               JULIE
          NO WAY!                           YES WAY!
          
          
          
                         ED                             JULIE
          Level 10.                         Mage. Level 15. Bitch!
          
          They stare at each other incredibly turned on. Ed screams-
                                ED
                      Check please!
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - NIGHT
          
          CLOSE ON a Heavy Kid leans over the pool PUKING.
          Wider...Mike beside him while Kids cheer the Heavy Kid on.
          
                                MIKE
                      I'm so dead.
          
          Mike turns, finds SCARLET making her way through the crowd.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                      Oh no!
          
          Mike rushes over to her.
          
                                MIKE (CONT'D)
                      Scarlet, what are you doing here?
          
                                SCARLET
                      I'm looking for Alex. It's past
                      his curfew and he wasn't picking up
                      his phone. Is he here?
          
                                MIKE
                      Yeah, he's fine.   He's with his
                      girlfriend.
          
                                SCARLET
                      Alex has a girlfriend?
          
                                                                    86.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    He does and she's really cute.
                    Come on.
          
          Mike leads Scarlet away from the pool.
          
          
          INT. FERRARI - NIGHT
          
          Ed and Julie drive through the upscale neighborhood.
          
                              JULIE
                    How did you get your hands on the
                    5th edition? That's not due out for
                    another three years.
          
                              ED
                    I have two words for you.    Russian
                    mafia.
          
                              JULIE
                    Drive faster.
          
          He steps on the gas. He fishtails around a corner. Cars pack
          Ed's street and driveway. Boys and girls trample the front
          lawn. One BOY urinates in a flower bed.
          
                              JULIE (CONT'D)
                    Calm thyself, Marius.
          
                              ED
                    That little-!   I'll kill him!
          
          Ed double parks the car, jumps out.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
          
          Ed storms up the driveway.    Julie hurries after him.   A KID
          spies Julie, calls out-
          
                              KID
                    It's Ms. Goodwin!    Run!
          
          All the Kids on the lawn SCATTER in different directions.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
          
          Ed and Julie enter the crowded, loud room. Kids dance, stomp
          around on the furniture. A furious Ed screams-
          
                                                                    87.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    Everybody out!   Get out!   Get out!
          
          Nobody flinches.   Julie WHISTLES loudly.   The Kids stop.
          
                              JULIE
                    This party is over! If you don't
                    want to spend the next 3 months in
                    detention you will leave...now!
          
          The Kids BEELINE for the door.    Ed stops a GIRL.
          
                              ED
                    Do you know where Mark Freedman is?
          
                              GIRL
                    I think I saw him go outside.
          
          SPLAT. A slice of pizza falls from the ceiling onto Ed's
          head. The Girl laughs, exits.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          Maggie enters, weeds through the crowd, bumps into the Bras.
          
                              MAGGIE
                    Have you seen Mark?
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    We're looking for him too.
          
          Maggie scowls, heads for the back door.     The Bras chase.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
          
          Mike and Scarlet hide behind the pool house, peek around the
          corner, spy on Alex and Nicole by the fire pit. Alex is
          animated, confident...
          
                              SCARLET
                    He's like a totally different
                    person.
          
          Scarlet and Mike step back by the pool, sit on a lounge.
          
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                    It's been so good for him to have
                    you around. You have no idea.
          
                                                                 88.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Believe me, I do. He's a great
                    kid. And you're an amazing mother.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I'm not so sure. I mean look at
                    me. I showed up at a party to drag
                    my son home. Could I be any more
                    embarrassing? And how many amazing
                    mothers run their kids' father off?
          
                              MIKE
                    Hey, you didn't run him off. Don't
                    blame yourself for his stupidity.
          
                              SCARLET
                    I knew he was unhappy. I knew he
                    hated his job. I should've been
                    more supportive, more sympathetic
                    to what he was going through. He
                    gave up a lot for me.
          
                              MIKE
                    That's bull shit! You, Maggie and
                    Alex are the best thing that ever
                    happened to me...him. He was just
                    too selfish to recognize it. At
                    least, that's how I see it.
          
          Scarlet smiles thankfully at Mike.
          
          ANGLE...Maggie and the Bras roam the backyard searching for
          Mike.
          
                              JAMIE
                    He's over there.    By the pool.
          
                              SAMANTHA
                    Who's the ho?
          
                               MAGGIE
                    Mom?
          
          ANGLE...Alex and Nicole, hand in hand, stroll back towards
          the house when Alex freezes-
          
                               ALEX
                    Whoa.   What's my mom doing here?
          
          ANGLE...Scarlet places a hand over Mike's.
          
                                                                      89.
          
          
          
                                SCARLET
                      You're sweet. I have no idea why
                      I'm telling you all this. There's
                      just something so familiar...
          
          Scarlet looks into Mike's eyes. Mike stares back. She's
          vulnerable. He loves her. It's perfect. Mike leans in and
          KISSES HER...PASSIONATELY.
          
          SSSSSLAP.   Mike falls off the chair.   Scarlet leaps up.
          
                                SCARLET (CONT'D)
                      What do you think you're doing!?
          
          Mike scrambles to his feet.
          
                                MIKE
                      Scar, just calm down. I have
                      something to tell you but I need
                      you to keep an open mind. Can you
                      do that for me?
          
                                SCARLET
                      This conversation is over, Mark.
          
                                MIKE
                      I'm not Mark.
          
                                SCARLET
                      I'm not in the mood for games.
          
                                MIKE
                      It's no game. I'm me...him...Mike.
                      It's me...your husband.
          
          Scarlet winces as if dealt a blow-
          
                                 SCARLET
                      What?   Why would you say that?
          
                                MIKE
                      It's the truth. I'm the father of
                      your children. You have to believe
                      me.
          
                                SCARLET
                      Don't ever come near me or my
                      family again. If you do, I'll have
                      you arrested or better yet,
                      institutionalized.
          
          Scarlet marches towards the house.    Mike on her heels
          pleading.
          
                                                                   90.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Let me explain, Scar.
          
          As she passes Ed and Julie.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Your son needs a shrink!
          
          Scarlet storms off.   Before Mike can protest-
          
                                MAGGIE
                    Pervert!
          
          Mike turns. SLAP. Maggie lights him up, runs for the house.
          SLAP, SLAP, SLAP. The Bras add theirs on the way out.
          
          Alex and Nicole march past.    Mike reaches for Alex's arm.
          Alex pulls it away.
          
                              MIKE
                    Alex, wait. Let me explain-
          
                              ALEX
                    How could you do this to me?
          
          Alex whisks Nicole into the house.   Mike lowers his head.    Ed
          stomps over, grabs Mike.
          
                              ED
                    This place is a disaster! A kid
                    pissed all over my English garden!
                    What were you thinking!?
          
                              MIKE
                    She hates me, Ed.    I've ruined
                    everything.
          
          Mike runs for the house.   Julie looks quizzically to Ed.
          
                              JULIE
                    Who hates him? What's going on?
          
          Ed shifts uncomfortably, takes a deep breath.
          
                              ED
                    Oh boy. I don't quite know how to
                    put this.
          
                              JULIE
                    Try being honest.
          
                                                                      91.
          
          
          
                               ED
                     He's not really my son.    I don't
                     have a son.
          
          SLAP.   Ed looks like he's about to cry.
          
                               JULIE
                     Mark's obviously having a crisis
                     and you...you insensitive bastard,
                     you disown him? He'd be better off
                     with his mother in Thailand.
          
          Julie strides for the house.     Ed yells after her-
          
                               ED
                     Should I call you?!
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - MORNING
          
          All is normal.   No signs of a party.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/HALLWAY - MORNING
          
          Ed knocks and knocks on Mike's bedroom door.
          
                                ED
                     Come on.   It's been 2 days.    Open
                     up.
          
          WE hear a dragging sound then...CLICK.     Ed turns the knob,
          opens the door, enters.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
          
          Dark.   Mike climbs back into bed.   Ed waves at the air.
          
                               ED
                     Jesus. It smells like Jeffrey
                     Dahmer's kitchen in here.
          
          Ed pulls up the blinds, opens the windows. A disheveled,
          Mike groans, rolls away from the light. Ed sits on the bed.
          
                               ED (CONT'D)
                     Are you alright?
          
                               MIKE
                     I really messed up.    I've lost my
                     family.
          
                                                                    92.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    That's not true.      Nothing's ever
                    truly lost.
          
                              MIKE
                    What about you and Julie?
          
                                ED
                    Oh, that?    That's lost.
          
                              MIKE
                    Sorry about the party.      I'll pay
                    for any damages.
          
                              ED
                    Don't worry about it. My spa guy
                    got the last of the vomit out of
                    the pool so we're good. I don't
                    mean to rub salt in your wounds but-
          
          Ed holds up the manila envelope of divorce papers.
          
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    -you're due in court in an hour.
          
          A look of determination comes over Mike's face.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY
          
          The BMW roars out of the garage, Ed driving, tears down the
          driveway, fishtailing onto the street, LOSES CONTROL, rips
          across a neighbor's lawn then back onto the road and off.
          
          
          INT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE/COURTROOM - DAY
          
          Crowded pews. Scarlet stands before the JUDGE, her right
          hand raised as she's sworn in.
          
                              BAILIFF
                    -the whole truth and nothing but
                    the truth so help you God?
          
                                SCARLET
                    I do.
          
          Scarlet sits beside her ATTORNEY.     The Judge eyes her papers.
          
                                                                  93.
          
          
          
                              JUDGE
                    You've requested a divorce by the
                    State of California citing
                    irreconcilable differences. Is
                    this correct?
          
                              SCARLET
                    Yes, your Honor.
          
                              JUDGE
                    Is Michael O'Donnell or his
                    representative present?
          
                              SCARLET
                        (SADLY)
                    No, your Honor.
          
                              JUDGE
                    Then I take his absence as
                    agreement to the orders of the
                    divorce. Let's proceed. You're
                    not asking for alimony or child
                    support?
          
                              JULIE
                    No, your honor.
          
          
          EXT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE - DAY
          
          Ed's BMW skids to a stop in front of the building.   Mike and
          Ed bound out, race up the court steps-
          
                              ED
                    What exactly are we doing?
          
                              MIKE
                    I don't know. We just need to stop
                    her from going through with it!
          
                              ED
                    A well thought out plan.   Good job.
          
          
          INT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE/COURTROOM - DAY
          
                              JUDGE
                    The mother will have full custody
                    of the children. The father will
                    have visitation rights of one
                    weekend a month-
          
                                                                   94.
          
          
          
          BOOM. The doors burst open.   All turn to see Mike and Ed
          storm down the aisle.
          
                              ED
                    I declare a mistrial on the grounds
                    of insufficient evidence and Sacco
                    and Vanzetti!
          
          Scarlet can only shake her head.
          
                              JUDGE
                    Sacco and...what are you....who are
                    you!?
          
                              ED
                    I am legal counsel for Mike
                    O'Donnell and I demand a stay of
                    execution for this marriage, your
                    Majesty.
          
                              SCARLET
                    He's my husband's best friend.
          
                              JUDGE
                    Are you a lawyer, best friend?
          
                              ED
                    No but I have been a defendant in
                    numerous lawsuits so-
          
                               JUDGE
                    Bailiff! Get these 2 out of my
                    courtroom.
          
          The Bailiff grabs Mike and a yelling Ed, drags them toward
          the exit. Mike wiggles free, runs back to the front.
          
                              MIKE
                    Your Honor! I have a letter from
                    Mike O'Donnell. Just let me read
                    it. Please.
          
                              JUDGE
                    I'm sorry, but-
          
                              SCARLET
                    If it's okay, your Honor.   I'd like
                    to hear it.
          
                              JUDGE
                    Make it quick.
          
          Mike digs into his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper.
          
                                                                 95.
          
          
          
                              MIKE
                    Thank you, your Honor.
                        (READS)
                    September 7th, 1988 was the first
                    time I saw you. You were reading
                    `The Great Gatsby' and wearing a
                    Guns N Roses T-shirt. I'd never
                    seen anything so perfect. I
                    remember thinking I had to have you
                    or I'd die...not in a psycho kinda
                    way but in that beautiful,
                    innocent, unaffected way that way
                    only a 17 year-old kid can have.
                    You whispered you loved me at the
                    homecoming dance and I felt so
                    peaceful and safe because I knew no
                    matter what happened from that
                    night on nothing could ever be that
                    bad because I had you. And then I
                    grew up, lost my way and blamed you
                    for my failures. But I was never
                    lost. I'd just forgotten the way
                    life makes you forget as you grow
                    older. And I never failed at
                    anything because on that September
                    day you said `yes' to me. And at
                    that dance you said you loved me.
                    And as I stand here...as I write
                    this, I want you to know if I don't
                    have you I'll die...not in a psycho
                    way but in that beautiful,
                    innocent, unaffected way only a 17
                    year old kid can have....oh
                    and...P.S...I'm `Hungry Like the
                    Wolf'.
          
          Mike places the PAPER ON THE TABLE, looks over to Scarlet.
          Scarlet just stares at him, tears streaming down her
          cheeks...sadness...recognition?
          
                              JUDGE
                    Alright, son, you have to go now.
          
          Mike nods, walks down the aisle and out the door.
          
                              JUDGE (CONT'D)
                    Let's proceed.
          
                              SCARLET
                    Your Honor, Sir. I'm sorry.   I'm
                    in no shape...I need to
                    postpone...I'm sorry.
          
                                                                   96.
          
          
          
          A tearful Scarlet starts to leave, stops, picks up Mike's
          `letter'...DIRECTIONS TO THE COURTHOUSE. She looks back
          confused.
          
          
          INT. BMW CONVERTIBLE - DAY
          
          A solemn Mike stares out the window.    Ed turns the radio off.
          
                              ED
                    Maybe it wasn't a spell of
                    enlightenment.
          
          Mike looks to Ed.
          
                              MIKE
                    What are you talking about?
          
                              ED
                    According to the website once
                    you've learned your lesson you'd
                    turn back. That speech should've
                    broken the spell.
          
                              MIKE
                    Enough with the magic crap, Ed.
          
                              ED
                    You know what this means? You need
                    to let them go. You need to let
                    them get on with their lives and
                    you need to get on with yours.
          
          Mike chokes back tears...because he knows Ed is right.
          
          
          INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
          
          Mike works on his laptop, plugs his iPhone into
          it...downloads pictures.
          
          Mike moves to the bed, packs his Falcons uniform into a
          duffel bag. A BEEP. Mike unplugs the iPhone, types an email
          to Scarlet, "I think this will help your business. Best of
          luck, Mark" Mike hits send, grabs his bag and exits.
          
          
          EXT. ED'S HOUSE - DUSK
          
          Mike steps outside, throws his duffel into the Aston.    Ed
          exits the house.
          
                                                                 97.
          
          
          
                              ED
                    Where you going?
          
                              MIKE
                    I'm moving on. See you at the
                    game.
          
          Mike climbs into the car, pulls out of the driveway.
          
          
          INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - DUSK
          
          Scarlet sits at the kitchen table working on her laptop. The
          noise of an incoming email. She clicks over...MARK FREEDMAN.
          
          Scarlet reads Mike's email then clicks on the link. A web
          site pops up...`Scarlet's Sanctuaries'. Scarlet smiles.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - NIGHT
          
          An empty gym. Mike stands feet beyond the 3 point line,
          grabs balls from a hopper and rapidly shoots, shoots, shoots.
          SWISH...SWISH...SWISH. Automatic.
          
          Coach Harvey enters.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Hey, Freedman, save some for the
                    game.
          
          Mike sinks one last jumper, turns to the coach.
          
                              MIKE
                    Just warming up, Coach.
          
          Coach Harvey hands Mike a towel.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Son, I haven't seen anyone with
                    your shooting ability in, well, in
                    a long time. I called a couple
                    college scouts I know. They're
                    coming to the game tonight...to
                    watch you. If you have half the
                    season I think you're capable of,
                    you can play anywhere you want.
          
                              MIKE
                    That's the plan, Coach.
          
          The rest of the Falcons basketball team jogs out from the
          locker room followed by a PHOTOGRAPHER.
          
                                                                 98.
          
          
          
                               COACH HARVEY
                     Round up, Jock Straps! Picture
                     time.
          
          The Team assembles in the middle of the court. Alex moves
          away from Mike. A PLAYER kneeling in front holds a sign,
          `FITCH FALCONS, 2008.'
          
                                PHOTOGRPAHER
                     3, 2, 1-
          
          FLASH.   And with the flash WE cut to:
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - LATER
          
          A POPULAR SONG rocks the gymnasium. CHEERLEADERS dance on
          the sidelines. STUDENTS and PARENTS cheer wildly from the
          packed stands.
          
          Julie gabs with a group of TEACHERS.
          
          On one end of the court, the Falcons run a pass and shoot
          drill. On the opposite end, a TEAM in BLUE shoots around.
          
          Mike sees Scarlet and Maggie enter. He smiles apologetically
          to them. Both turn away, climb the bleachers, join Nicole
          and the Wonder Bras.
          
                               MAGGIE
                         (to Scarlet)
                     I thought he was hanging out with
                     Alex to get to me- not you.
          
          ANGLE...Coach Harvey claps loudly-
          
                               COACH HARVEY
                     Alright, Ladies, bring it in!
          
          The Falcons swarm the bench, take their seats. Mike takes a
          deep breath, sits next to Alex. Alex looks down.
          
                                MIKE
                     ALEX-
          
                               ALEX
                     I have nothing to say to you.
          
                               MIKE
                     I never meant to hurt you-
          
                               ALEX
                     Then why'd you kiss my mom!?
          
                                                                 99.
          
          
          
                               MIKE
                    Alex, I'm your fa...I don't know.
                    I'm sorry.
          
          Alex stands-
          
                              ALEX
                    You're lucky I don't punch you out.
          
          Alex moves down the line, takes another seat.
          
          Ed strides through the door spots Julie, makes his way over
          to her.
          
                              ED
                    Julie, can I talk to you?
          
          Julie excuses herself from the Teachers.
          
                              JULIE
                    What is it, Ed?
          
                              ED
                    I've seen a good friend of mine
                    lose everything that means anything
                    to him. And maybe we'll never be
                    there but...I just really want to
                    play D & D with you.
          
          Julie can't help but smile, sizes Ed up.
          
                              JULIE
                    You can raid my dungeon anytime.
          
                              ED
                    I'll bring my long bow.
          
          A REFEREE blows his whistle.
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Let's go! Remember, Boys, winners
                    get the girls. Losers please
                    themselves!
          
          Mike and the Falcons jog onto the court. Mike takes his
          place for the jump ball. The Crowd stomps, cheers LOUDLY.
          
          Mike looks around the gymnasium...it almost seems to SLOW
          UP...the sound deafening. He finds Alex on the bench...his
          hopeful face. Mike looks into the stands...Maggie and
          Scarlet. Scarlet abruptly stands, climbs back down the
          bleachers and exits the gym.
          
                                                                   100.
          
          
          
          The Ref readies to toss the ball.    Mike takes a deep
          breath...and walks off the court.
          
                              REFEREE
                    Son! Come back here!      You're gonna
                    get a delay of game!
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    This can't be happening again.
          
          Mike steps over to Alex-
          
                              MIKE
                    It's your turn now.    Good luck.
          
          Mike rushes off the court. As Mike disappears into the
          tunnel, WE see the OLD JANITOR amongst the crowd. He smiles.
          
          Coach Harvey turns to Alex-
          
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Get off your butt, O'Donnell!    Get
                    in there!
          
          Alex leaps off the bench.
          
          
          INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/TUNNEL - NIGHT
          
                                 MIKE
                    Scar!
          
          The tunnel is EMPTY.    Crestfallen, Mike lowers his head...
          
          ANGLE ON: Scarlet as she appears at the far end of the
          tunnel.
          
                              SCARLET
                    What took you so long?
          
          ANGLE ON: Mike and he's 36 years-old again, bursting out of
          his uniform.
          
                              MIKE
                    The best choice I ever made was
                    you.
          
          Scarlet and Mike walk towards one another, picking up their
          pace the closer they get.
          
                              SCARLET
                    How did this happ-
          
                                                                101.
          
          
          
          Mike wraps his arms around her.
          
                                 MIKE
                    Don't ask.
          
          They lock lips.
          
          Mike takes Scarlet's hand and as they walk out of the tunnel-
          
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I think it's best if we don't tell
                    the kids about this. Especially
                    Maggie.
          

          

                                 THE END