Clueless




  Directed by Amy Heckerling


CAST:


Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz
Stacey Dash................Dionne
Brittany Murphy............Tai
Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh
Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray
Elisa Donovan..............Amber
Breckin Meyer..............Travis
Jeremy Sisto...............Elton
Dan Hedaya.................Mel
Aida Linares...............Lucy
Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall
Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist
Justin Walker..............Christian
Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm
Herb Hall..................Principal
Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger
Susan Mohun................Heather
Nicole Bilderback..........Summer
Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester
Sean Holland...............Lawrence
Roger Kabler...............College Guy
Jace Alexander.............Robber
Josh Lozoff................Logan
Carl Gottlieb..............Minister
Joseph D. Reitman..........Student
Anthony Beninati...........Bartender
Micki Duran................Dancer
Gregg Russell..............Dancer
Jermaine Montell...........Dancer
Danielle Eckert............Dancer


Written by
      Jane Austen   (novel Emma) 
      Amy Heckerling

Cinematography by
      Bill Pope

Music by
      David Kitay

Production Design by
      Steven J. Jordan

Costume Design by
      Mona May

Film Editing by
      Debra Chiate

Produced by
      Barry M. Berg  (co-producer) 
      Twink Caplan  (associate) 
      Robert Lawrence (III)
      Scott Rudin
      Adam Schroeder  (co-producer) 

Other crew
      Den Abraham..............set dresser 
      Barry M. Berg............unit production manager 
      Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up 
      Richard Graves...........assistant director 
      Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin 
      William Hiney............art director 
      Lawrence Karman..........camera operator 
      Mark Kusy................set dresser 
      James LaBarge............set dresser 
      Alyson Dee Moore.........foley 
      James Muro...............steadicam operator 
      Wendy Murray.............set dresser 
      Patricia Nedd............foley 
      Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles 
      Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor 
      Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator 
      Marcia Ross..............casting 
      Daniel Silverberg........assistant director 
      Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager 
      Amy Wells................set decorator 
      Diana Williams...........assistant director 

 

OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless
including important actions, songs from the
soundtrack, and my own personal comments.
Just hit the little speaker  next
to the character's name to hear the lines from the movie (They're
not working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed
writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene 50
times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia
Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure
if you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy.

Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email
me pacey578@rocketmail.com

  

SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE

"Kids in America" The Muffs

(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)

CHER V.O.


So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like
a Noxema commercial, or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way
normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and
I pick out my school clothes.


"Fashion Girl"
David Bowie


Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds
of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets
paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights
with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter.


CHER


Daddy!


MEL


Cher, please don't start with the juice again.


CHER


Daddy, you need your vitamin C.


MEL


Where's my briefcase?


CHER


It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out
to Malibu.


MEL


Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been
calling again.


CHER


They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out
of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot.


MEL


Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.


CHER


Why?


MEL


Because he's your step-brother!


CHER


But you were hardly even married to his mother and
that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?


(Watch those LIPS!!)

MEL


You divorce wives, not children.


CHER


Here.


MEL


Forget it!


SCENE II - CHER'S CAR

"Just a girl" No
Doubt

CHER V.O.


Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's
got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't
have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on.


(Cher runs over a potted plant
on the kerb)


Oh, why that came out of nowhere.


(Watch her face when she looks
back at the road)


Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because
we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us.


DIONNE


Dude!


CHER


Girlfriend!


CHER V.O.


And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion
efforts.


DIONNE


Hey Cher.


CHER V.O. 


Dionne and I were both named after great singers of
the past who now do infomercials.


DIONNE


So?


CHER


Shopping with Dr. Seuss?


DIONNE


Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my
backpack.


CHER


It's Faux.


DIONNE


Hello. That was a stop sign!


CHER


I totally paused!


DIONNE


Yeah, OK.


SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY

DIONNE


It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me.


CHER


He is so possesive.


DIONNE


Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and
he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my
Grandmother's house"...


CHER V.O.


Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic
relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just
too many times. Now I have to say to her...


CHER


Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much
better.


DIONNE


Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes.


"Shoop" Salt n'
Pepa

MURRAY


Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?


DIONNE


I hate when you call me Woman!


MURRAY


Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin'
around behind my back?


DIONNE


Jeepin'?


CHER


Jeepin'.


(Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!)

MURRAY


Jeepin', jeepin'.


DIONNE


No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can
explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat
of your car.


MURRAY


I don't know where that came from. That looks like
one of your stringy something on others you got up here...


DIONNE


Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike
some people I know, like Shawanna.


CHER


Dee, I'm outie.


DIONNE


Bye.


MURRAY


Why do you gotta go there?


DIONNE


That's it. I've had it with you.


MURRAY


Is it that time of the month again?


(Croud Gasps)

CHER V.O.


I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school
boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're
just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.


(Random guy puts his arm around
Cher)

CHER 


Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF!


SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE

MR HALL


Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?
Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.


CHER 


So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians
need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain
on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for
my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally
buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish
in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more
the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange
some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion,
may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of
Liberty?


(Class breaks into applause)

CHER


Thank you very much.


MR HALL


Uh, Amber? Replying?


AMBER


Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti
and she's talking about some little party.


CHER


Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!


AMBER


Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't
do mine.


MR HALL


Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts
on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments?


ELTON


Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do
to the Quad before somebody snags it.


MR HALL


I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?


TRAVIS


I had an insight, Mr. Hall.


MR HALL


I'm all ears.


TRAVIS


OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really
shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh?


MR HALL


Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.


TRAVIS


Thank you.


MR HALL


And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you
report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?


CHER


MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents
have joint 
custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago
and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal
profession.


(Look at Cher's face while speaking!
Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!)

MR HALL


Thank you for that perspective Cher.


(Mr. Hall hands out the report
cards)


Now could all conversations please come to a halt.


(Travis jumps up to the window)


And could the suicide attempts please be postponed
till the next period?


TRAVIS


Must die.


(After Cher, the most classic
character in the movie)

CHER V.O.


Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.
I got a C in debate?!


SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY

CHER (on phone)


Dee?


DIONNE


Wassup?


CHER


Did you get your report card?


DIONNE


Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do?


CHER


I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic
on me.


DIONNE


Mr. Hall was way harsh!


(Cher and Dionne meet up in
the hall)


He gave me a C minus.


CHER


Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.


DIONNE


Bye.


CHER


I'll call ya, OK?


DIONNE


Yeah.


SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.


Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way
back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A
fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but
I like to pretend she still watches over me.


CHER


Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?


"Fake Plastic Trees
(Acoustic Version)" Radiohead

CHER V.O. 


Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station.


CHER


Waa, waa, waa.


(Cher enters the kitchen)


Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music?


JOSH


Hey, who's watching the Galleria?


CHER 


So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy
Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?


JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)


Oo, wow. You're filling out there.


CHER


Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.


JOSH


I went by Dad's office.


CHER


He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family.


JOSH


Hey, just because my mother marries someone else,
doesn't mean he's my father.


CHER


Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.


(They enter the Lounge)


I hope you're not thinking of staying here.


JOSH


I sure want to.


CHER


I'm sure you do.


JOSH


I've got a place in Westwood, near School.


CHER


Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear
girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.


JOSH


Hahaha, you're funny.


(Josh changes the channel from
Beavis and Butthead to the News)

CHER


Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing
couch Commando!


JOSH


Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo
Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on
in the world.


CHER


Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how
to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?


MEL (From Dining Room)


C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here!


(They move to the Dining Room)


Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than
you did at Easter.


JOSH


I don't think so.


MEL (to Cher)


Doesn't he look bigger?


CHER


His head does.


MEL


So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little
discussion about Corporate Law?


JOSH


Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check
out Environmental Law.


MEL


What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating
life?


CHER


Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.


MEL 


At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good
college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.


CHER


I have direction.


JOSH


Yeah, towards the mall.


MEL


Which reminds me, where's your report card?


CHER


It's not ready yet.


MEL


What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"


CHER


Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy.
And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure
these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.


MEL


Very good.


(One of the mobile phones rings,
everyone answers their phone)

CHER


Dee?


JOSH


Yeah?


MEL


Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.


(Cher and Josh put their phones
down)

CHER


You are such a brown-noser.


JOSH


Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What
makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?


MEL (in background)


I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he
understand? In the morning.


CHER


Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.


SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES

"Shake some action"
Cracker

CHER V.O.


I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart,
so she raised my C to a B.


CHER


I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't
study.


MISS STOEGER


They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible,
don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this.


CHER V.O.


Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing
campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act.



But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates
were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF!



I felt impotent and out of control, which I really
hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts
and regain my strength.


SCENE VIII - THE MALL

DIONNE


Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's
remorse or something?


(Watch Cher flick her head)

CHER


God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've
been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.
I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but
I was brutally rebuffed.


DIONNE


Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants
to make everyone else miserable too.


CHER


Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make
Mr. Hall sublimely happy.


SCENE IX - SCHOOL

CHER V.O.


Here's the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single,
he's 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man
needs is a good healthy boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe
drought in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually
married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers,
Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always
Miss Giest. Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she
has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always
has more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming
for a make-over. I'm her only hope.


(Cher is writing a note outside
Miss Giest's pidgeon hole)

DIONNE


Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy
eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?


CHER


Duh, it's like a famous quote.


DIONNE


From where?


CHER


Cliff's notes.


DIONNE


Oh.


(Travis and Miss Giest walk
out of her office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene)

MISS GIEST


I know you're going to be better now. Now, you run
along and I'll see you third period and you will try to remember to bring
your textbook.


TRAVIS


Uh, OK.


(Miss Giest reads the note left
by the girls and her face brightens)

DIONNE


Oh, my God! She actually looked happy!


CHER


Oooh, classic!


(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's
classroom)

MR HALL


Paroudasm Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.


(Paroudasm mutters something
in Farsi and his friends cheer)


Janet Huon, no tardies.


CLASSMATES


Kisser!


MR HALL


Travis Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies
in the class. Congratulations.


(The whole class cheers and
applaudes. Travis approaches the podium)

TRAVIS 


This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a
speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something
you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school,
the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh,
last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours
making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.


MR HALL 


Well, if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages
to include in his speech, I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.


CHER


I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged
tardies?


(Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!)

MR HALL


One was last Monday!


CHER


Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to
haul ass to the ladies'.


MR HALL


I assume your referring to women's troubles, and so
I'll let that one slide.


CHER


Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.


MR HALL


What do you mean?


CHER


Well, she said that you were the only one in this
school with any intelligence.


SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE

MEL


Cher, get in here!


CHER


Yes, Daddy?


MEL


Would you tell me what the hell this is?


CHER


Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets.
I don't remember getting a first notice.


MEL


The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know
you could get tickets without a licence.


CHER


Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.


MEL


Oh, is that so?


(Cher nods)


Well not around here you can't. From this moment on,
you will not drive, sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised
driver present. And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits
do not equal a licence! Do I make myself clear?


CHER


Yes, Daddy.


MEL


Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want
to see you apply yourself.


CHER


I will. I'm gonna practise real hard.


MEL


OK.


(The scene moves to the poolside)

CHER V.O. 


A licenced driver with nothing to do? Where would
I find such a loser?


CHER


Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.


JOSH


I'm growing a goatee.


CHER


Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last one
at the coffee house without chin pubes.


JOSH


I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats
of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me
what you want.


CHER


OK. So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive
and all, but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver,
and since your not doing anything and all, you know?


JOSH


What are the chances of you shutting up until you
get your way?


CHER


Hmmm, slim to none. C'mon!


SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR

JOSH


Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right
side of the road.


CHER


I am. You try driving in platforms.


JOSH 


Look, I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to
practise parking?


CHER


What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What
class you going to?


JOSH


Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might
get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.


CHER


How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from
his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just
hire a gardener?


JOSH


You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity
for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you have never heard of
that, a contribution is the giving of...


CHER


Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian
outfits to Lucy...


JOSH


time... funds...


CHER


And as soon as I get my licence I fully intend to
brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely
teachers find romance.


JOSH 


Which I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs.
You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish,
I'd die of shock.


CHER


Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.


SCENE XII - SCHOOL

CHER


Would you call me selfish?


DIONNE


No. Not to your face.


CHER


Really?


DIONNE


What's wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's
going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?


CHER


Look, there's Mr. Hall.


(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)


Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?


MR HALL


Well, not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under
normal circumstances.


CHER


Well, I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's
lunch this morning I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian
roast. Do you want it?


MR HALL


Are you sure you don't want it?


CHER


Duh, it might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10"
like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like
it?


DIONNE


Maybe you can share it?


MR HALL


Well, uh, thanks.


CHER


Sure.


(To Dionne)


Hmm?


(Outside Miss Giest's office,
she opens the door)

CHER & DIONNE


Miss Giest!


MISS GIEST


Hi girls. Did you sign up for the environmental fair?


DIONNE


Oh, yeah, we will.


CHER


You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these
clips are so cute.


DIONNE


And this tiny little waist. Oooh, wow.


MISS GIEST


Girls. Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental
fair.


DIONNE


Not a total betty, but a vast improvement.


CHER


Well, we did our best. 


DIONNE


Mmmm, Hmmm.


CHER


We gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E.


(Scene moves outside)


C'mon, Dee.


DIONNE


Ohh, I feel like failing, dude, c'mon.


CHER


I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise.
I feel like such a heffer. I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of
turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like,
three pieces of licorice.


DIONNE


(Gasp) Oh, my God. Look.
Is that a photo op, or what?


CHER


Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed
towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.


DIONNE


Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Giest,
she is so cute.


CHER


Ohh, old people can be so sweet.


"Change" Lightning
Seeds


(The following scenes show Miss
Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while everyone is thanking Cher.)


CHER V.O.


The entire student body was
utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades.


SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE

MEL


Cher, what's this all about?


CHER


My report card?


MEL


The same semester?


CHER


Uh-huh.


MEL


What'd you do? Turn in some
extra-credit reports?


CHER


No.


MEL


You take the mid-terms over?


CHER


Uh-uh.


MEL 


You mean to tell me that you
argued your way from a C+ to an A-?


CHER


Totally based on my powers of
persuasion. You proud?


MEL


Honey, I couldn't be happier
than if they were based on real grades.


CHER


Thank you.


MEL


Fabulous.


SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.

"Girls Just Wanna Have
Fun" Robert Hazard

CHER V.O.


I felt so satisfied, I wanted
to do more good deeds.


(Dionne sneezes)

CHER


Dee, when your allergies act
up, take out your nose-ring.


MISS STOEGER


Follow... through! There you
go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in Cher!


CHER


Oh. Miss Stoeger? I would just
like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean,
standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt
I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.


(Class cheers)

MISS STOEGER


Well, you certainly exercised
your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.


(Ball flies by, inches from
Cher's nose)

CHER


Miss Stoeger, that machine is
just a lawsuit waiting to happen!


MISS STOEGER 


Thanks for the legal advice.


(Cher returns to line)


Dionne? You're up.


DIONNE


Uh, no, Miss Stoeger? I have
a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose
myself to any training that might derail his teachings.


MISS STOEGER


Fine! Amber?


AMBER


Miss Stoeger. My plastic surgeon
doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.


DIONNE


Well, there goes your social
life.


(Girls giggle. Principal walks
onto the scene)

PRINCIPAL


Miss Stoeger? Got another one.
Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier.


MISS STOEGER


Tai, you don't have time to
change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.


AMBER


She could be a farmer in those
clothes.


CHER


Dee, my mission is clear. Would
you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt
her.


DIONNE


Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock
would plummet.


CHER


Dee, don't you want to use your
popularity for a good cause?


DIONNE


No.


CHER

(Motions to Tai)


C'mere. Yeah, c'mere. Hang with
us.


TAI


Oh, thank you.


CHER


How do you like California?


TAI


Man, I am freakin'. I could
really use some sort of a herbal refreshment?


DIONNE


Well, we do lunch in ten minutes.
We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.


TAI


No shit! You guys got Coke here?


DIONNE


Well, yeah.


CHER


Yeah, this is America.


(Scene changes to the girls
walking down main path)

"Unknown song and artist"

CHER V.O.


So, we decided to show Tai the
ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.


CHER


That is Alana's group over there.
They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on
Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you
own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular
boys in the school.


DIONNE


Including my boyfriend. Ain't
he cute?


TAI


Yeah.


CHER


If you make the decision to
date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones.


TAI


Cher, which one of them is your
boyfriend?


CHER


As if!


DIONNE


Cher's got attitude about high
school boys.


CHER


It's a personal choice every
woman has got to make for herself.


(Murray approaches the girls)

MURRAY (to
Dionne) 


Woman, lend me five dollars.


DIONNE


Murray, I have asked you repeatedly
not to call me Woman!


MURRAY


Excuse me, Miss Dionne. 


DIONNE


Thank you.


MURRAY 


OK, but street slang is an increasingly
valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking,
but not necessarily in a misogynistic undertone.


(Murray hops away)

TAI


Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.


CHER


Oh, well, this is a really good
school.


TAI


I'm gonna go get a soda. You
guys want?


CHER


Sure.


TAI


Alright.


DIONNE


She's nice.


CHER


Oooh, project!


(I can't put that cute little
squeal into words)

(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)

"My Iron Lung"
Radiohead

TRAVIS (To
food)


Oh, wow. That's disgusting.


(To Tai)


That's nice representation.


TAI


Thanks. Those are really nice
stickers.


TRAVIS


Oh, you like 'em? See, I was
thinking it was too cluttered. You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and
concentrate on one main decorative statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian.
Right there.


TAI


Get outa town! I can do Marvin
the Martian.


TRAVIS


Really?


TAI


Well, I mean, there's not really
a lot to him. But, you wanna see?


TRAVIS


Yeah.


TAI


Here.


TRAVIS


Oh, wow! That's really cool.


TAI


Thanks.


TRAVIS


You drew that?


TAI


Yeah, and wait, I got... one
here.


TRAVIS


You didn't trace this?


TAI


Uh-uh. No. Here's another one
over here. And, lots of little guys. 


TRAVIS


That is so cute! 


TAI


I love to draw.


TRAVIS


You're really good at it.


TAI


No.


TRAVIS


Yeah, really you are.


TAI


No.


TRAVIS


Yeah!


(Scene changes to outside)

DIONNE


Are you sure that's fat free?


CHER


Oh, yes. And you lose wait by
doing it like this. Like really small.


(Dionne giggles/hisses)


It's true.


TAI


I met a really cool guy.


CHER


Describe!


TAI


Alright, he's got long hair,
he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me some smoke. There
he is!


CHER


Are you talking about drugs?


TAI


Yeah.


CHER


Tai, how old are you?


TAI


I'll be sixteen in May.


CHER


My birthday is in April, and
as someone older, can I please give you some advice?


(Tai nods)


It is one thing to spark up
a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all
day.


DIONNE


Do you see the distinction?


TAI


Yeah.


CHER


Loadies generally hang on the
grassy knoll over there.


"unknown song and artist"
guitarish


Sometimes they come to class
and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable
girl actually dates them. 


DIONNE


Hmm-mm.


CHER 


You don't want to start off
on the wrong foot, do you?????????????


(TAI shakes her head)


I've got an idea. Let's do a
make-over!


(Dionne lights up)

TAI


No, no.


DIONNE


Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main
thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it gives her a sense of control on a
world full of chaos.


CHER


Pleeeaaase.


(How could anyone resist that?!)

TAI


Sure. Why not? Shit! You guys!
I have never had straight friends before.


 


SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S
HOUSE

"Supermodel" Jill
Sobule

(Various scenes of Cher and
Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)

CHER


Squeeze in.


TAI


Cher, I don't wanna do this
any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel.


CHER


OK, it will get easier, I promise.
Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically.


TAI


How do you know if we're doing
it sporadically?


CHER


That's another thing, Tai. We've
got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in
a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.


TAI


Alright.


CHER


OK, from now on we're alternating
Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel",
and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat".


TAI


Mine is "Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus".


CHER


Good. Now that takes care of
our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the
planet for a couple of hours.


(Josh walks in)

JOSH


Hey, brainiac.


CHER


Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this
is Josh.


JOSH


Nice to meet ya.


CHER 


Hey! You know about this stuff.
I want to do something good for humanity.


JOSH


How about sterilization?


(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh
enter the kitchen)

CHER


So, what do ya think?


JOSH


I'm amazed.


CHER


That I'm devoting myself so
generously to someone else?


JOSH


No, that you've found someone
even more clueless than you are to worship you.


CHER


I am rescuing her from teenage
hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?


JOSH


Yeah, and you've never had a
mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she was your Barbie
doll.


CHER


Freshman psych rears it's ugly
head


JOSH


Hey, I am not taking psych.


CHER


Whatever. I am going to take
that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life
will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?


(Josh and Cher walk back to
the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos"
ad. God I hate
those ads!)

JOSH


Be seein' ya.


TAI


Yeah, I hope not sporadically.


SCENE XVI - SCHOOL

CHER


Oh, my God. Do you see how boys
are responding? My heart is totally bursting.


DIONNE

I know. I'm kvelling!


(Travis approaches)


TRAVIS


Cher, you have Timor, right?


CHER


Giest.


TRAVIS


Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer?


TAI


Uh-uh.


TRAVIS


Here.


TAI


Thanks. Wow, a party!


CHER


It's in the Valley. The cops
usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get
there.


DIONNE


And besides, it's just local
loadies.


TAI


Do you guys think that Travis
is gonna be there?


DIONNE


Tai, I thought we moved on from
there.


CHER


Don't sell yourself short now.
You've got something going for you that no one in this school has.


TAI


Oh, I'm not a virgin.


CHER


I mean mystery. As far as everyone
is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact
that you hang with Dee and I, well...


DIONNE


Speaks very highly of you.


CHER


If you strike while the iron
is hot, you can have any guy that you want.


TAI


Like who?


CHER


Let's see. Who's available?
There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette.


DIONNE


Oh, yes!


TAI


Who's Elton?


DIONNE


Oh, my God. He's way popular.
He's like the social director of the crew.


CHER


Yeah, and his Dad can get you
into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out.


TAI


He was looking at me?


CHER


He said you gave him a toothache.


TAI


How'd I do that?


CHER


It's an expression. It means
he thought you were sweet.


TAI


Yeah?


CHER


Yeah.


TAI


Wow.


DIONNE


Is that true?


CHER


No.


DIONNE


Oh, you are so bad.


(Scene moves to fountain where
Cher is taking pictures of the crew)

"Alright" Supergrass

CHER


Ok, you guys, all get together.
Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good,
great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai?


ELTON


(Unwillingly)
Alright!


CHER


Yeah, that's great.


(Check out Cher's little smile
and rock! Awesome!)


OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.


(Scene moves to just Cher and
Tai by bushes)


Hold that.


TAI


OK.


CHER


OK.


(Elton approaches.)

ELTON


Cool picture.


CHER


Doesn't she look classic?


ELTON


Yeah, this is beautiful.


CHER


She looks like one of those
Bottichellis chicks.


ELTON


Hey, why don't you make me a
copy of this, OK?


CHER


Sure.


(Another one of Cher's little
squeals. Classic!)

SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE,
DINING ROOM

CHER


Hi Daddy. This is my friend,
Tai.


MEL


Get out of my chair!


(Tai moves to opposite Cher.
Lucy brings in dinner.)

CHER


Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.


MEL


What is this crap?


CHER


Daddy, it's from the "Cut
your Colesterol" cook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down
to two hundred.


(Cher's pager beeps.)

MEL


No calls tonight.


CHER


But it's Dionne, it might...


MEL


Sorry!


CHER


It might be important.


MEL 


We're going to have a nice family
dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?


CHER


Well... I broke in my purple
clogs.


(Mel's phone rings.)

MEL


Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?


CHER


Dee? Whatup?


DIONNE


So, check it. Murray's geometry
class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you
took of Tai.


CHER


Oh, my God.


TAI


What?


CHER


Elton's got a picture of you
hanging up in his locker.


TAI


Oh, no shit!


DIONNE 


Hello! So, anyway, the whole
crew is going to this party in the Valley.


CHER


Bye. 


(Cher hangs up the phone.)


Looks like we're going to have
to make a cameo at the Val party.


MEL (in
background)


I told you I want it in the
morning. No!


SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR

DIONNE


Murray!


MURRAY


Just look at the top of the
map. Sun Valley is north.


DIONNE


OK, no. All I see is Bel Air,
OK.


MURRAY


Then you're on the wrong map.



DIONNE


I am not on the wrong map.


MURRAY


Look at the number on the top.
What is the number on the top?


DIONNE


There are no numbers on the
top. There's letters.


(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)

DIONNE


Murray, shut up!


CHER


Please don't friz out!


SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY

(The gang pull up outside the
party.)


Listen Tai, when we get there
make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having
fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably
a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still
into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got
it?


TAI


I got it.


CHER


OK.


TRAVIS


Heads up!


(Does a rail slide with his
skateboard on the stair-rail.)

TAI


Oh, did you just see that?!


CHER


Oh, God. Skateboards, that is
like, so five years ago.


TRAVIS


Oh, you guys came! That's great!
You want a beer? I'll get you one.


CHER (to
Tai)


No.


(The girls enter the party house.)

"Unknown song and artist"

TAI


This is ragin'.


CHER


Let's do a lap before we commit
to a location.


(Dionne drags a dancing girl
away from Murray.)

DIONNE


Who was that?!


TAI


Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you was wearin' yesterday?


CHER


Say, Ambular?


AMBER


Hi.


CHER


Was that you going through my
laundry?


AMBER


As if. Like I would really wear
something from Judy's.


CHER


Do you prefer fashion victim
or ensembly challenged?


(Amber walks off.)

AMBER


Uh!


CHER


What a clone.


TAI


Cher, you looked much better
in that dress than she did.


(Travis bursts onto the scene
spilling drink on Cher's shoes.)

CHER


Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why
don't you?!


TRAVIS


I'm sorry.


(They move to the kitchen.)

CHER


Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This
is so not fixable.


TRAVIS


It's a small price to pay to
the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?


CHER


Oh, it's the least you could
do.


TAI


Spark it.


CHER


Hey, Elton's over there. Act
like Travis is saying something funny.


(Tai hands joint to Cher and
blows smoke in her face.)

TAI


Sorry.


(Tai starts cracking up.)

TRAVIS


What's so funny?


TAI


Nothing.


(Elton approaches and reaches
behind Cher for the joint)

CHER


Oh, here.


(Summer enters holding a card)

SUMMER


Hey, everyone! Let's play suck
and blow.


(The card passes through the
group until Elton drops it (on purpose)
and plants one right on Cher's mouth)

CHER


God, Elton. Can you suck?


(Dionne screams in the background)


It's Dee. C'mon!


(Scene changes to the bathroom,
where Murray is getting his head shaved)

DIONNE


What have you done! Oh, my God!
Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!


MURRAY


Because I'm keeping it real.
Because I'm keeping it real.


DIONNE


What?!


MURRAY


'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause
I'm keeping it real.


DIONNE (to
Cher)


Look! Look what he's done to
his head! Can you believe this?


MURRAY


Look at Lawrence's head. Alright?


LAWRENCE


It's the bomb!


MURRAY


You know what I'm sayin'? You
look good.


LAWRENCE


As will you.


DIONNE


What'd you care what he thinks,
Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What
am I going to do with you now? And right before the year book pictures?
What am I going to tell my grandchildren?


MURRAY


Alright.


DIONNE


You know what? Ok, that's it.


MURRAY (mimicking)


That's it.


DIONNE


You wanna play games?


MURRAY (mimicking
agin)


You wanna play games?


DIONNE


I'm calling your mother.


MURRAY


I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh,
no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.


LAWRENCE


Yo, man. Chill, chill!


MURRAY


Chill?!


(Cher and Tai start walking
away)

CHER


Same thing happened at the spring
dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.


TAI


See, that almost destroyed by
buzz.


CHER


I'm still baked.


TAI


Yeah.


(Back to the dance floor.)

"Rollin' With My Homies"
Coolio

CHER


What do ya say, we go bump into
people?


TAI


Yeah, I'm cool with that.


TRAVIS (from
on the fireplace)


Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh!


(Travis jumps onto the crowd.
No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.)

TAI


Are you OK?


TRAVIS (to
dancers)


Where's your sense of pit hospitality?


TAI


That was so cool, the way you
did that. I wish I could do it.


TRAVIS


Oh, no, don't.


TAI


Why not?


TRAVIS


Well, 'cause if girls did it,
what would guys do to impress them?


TAI


I don't know, like stuff. You
know?


TRAVIS


What kind of stuff?


(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai
and butts in to stop it)

CHER


Tai, I need you.


TAI


OK.


CHER


Elton's over there.


(The girls start dancing. As
Tai is trying to impress Elton she is hit in the head by a flying Clog)

CHER


Tai! Tai, Elton, help me!


(Elton carries Tai into the
kitchen and places her on the counter)

CHER


Thank you.


TRAVIS


Here, you should use ice.


CHER


No, Travis! We've got it under
control. 


TRAVIS


Tai, are you OK?


CHER


Travis, Tai would have wanted
you to enjoy the party.


CHER 


If it's a concussion, you have
to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.


ELTON


What's seven times seven?


CHER


Stuff she knows!


(Tai sits up and hits her head
on the light. What
a clutz!)

ELTON


Some bump you've got there.


TAI


Yeah.


ELTON


Yeah? You ready to go back out
there?


TAI


Yeah, I am.


ELTON


Alright. Are you sure? Can you
do this? (Singing)
Rollin' with the homies.


TAI


(Singing)
Rollin' with the homies. 


(Great voice.)

ELTON


Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.


(Elton and Tai go back to the
dance floor.)

CHER V.O.


I had to give myself snaps for
all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even
though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read
in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff
for other people."


(Scene changed to outside by
the pool. Cher's phone rings.)

CHER 


Hello?


MEL


Do you know what time it is?


CHER


A watch really doesn't go with
this outfit, Daddy.


MEL


Where are you?


CHER


Uuhh, just having a snack with
my girlfriends.


MEL


Where, in Kuwait?!


CHER


Is that in the Valley?


MEL


Cher, I expect you to walk in
this door in twenty minutes.


CHER


Well, um, it might take longer
than that, Dad.


MEL


Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty
minutes.


(Cher hangs up the phone.)

(Scene changes to outside front
of party house.)

CHER


Sorry to make you leave, Dionne
is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.


(Tai laughs.)

CHER


Hey, Summer!


SUMMER


Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need
a ride home?


CHER


That'd be great! Thanks!


ELTON


No, I got it.


SUMMER


Well, I'm right below Wilshire
and Lindon.


TAI


Oh, that's right near me! I'm,
um, above Olympic.


ELTON


Great! Then, Tai you'll go with
Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.


CHER


Actually, you could take Wilshire
to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.


ELTON


Well, then she'd have to go
back south and I'm already going north.


CHER


But, you could take Tai on your
way up to Sunset. Yeah.


ELTON


That doesn't make any sense!
I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher,
you'll come with me. Watch your feet.


(Each get into respective cars
and wave each other goodbye.)

SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR

"Away" The Cranberries

(Elton is singing along to music.
Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably,
the sleazy bastard!)

CHER


Didn't Tai look cute tonight?


(Elton just sings.)


I really love her hair when
it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with
that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.


ELTON


You know, you're one of my best
friends and I do not have friends that are girls.


CHER


Well, I'm glad, because your
happiness means a lot to me.


ELTON


It does?


CHER


Sure. I mean, I saw how hard
your breakup with Collette was.


ELTON


Yeah. I think we both know what
it feels like to be lonely.


CHER


Whatever. The thing is, is that
I'd really like to see you settled already.


(Elton pulls the car into a
parking lot.)


Where are we going?


(The car stops.)

ELTON


I knew it, I knew it.


(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)

CHER


Oooh, you knew what?!


ELTON


That you were totally sprung
on me.


CHER


Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?


ELTON


Tai?!


CHER


You have her picture in your
locker.


ELTON


I have the picture you took
in my locker.


CHER


Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks
experience.


ELTON


I knew it, I knew it when you
kissed me.


CHER


Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!


(Elton has another go at Cher.)


Stop it!


ELTON


Alright! You know, I don't get
you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.


CHER


As if! I have been tryng to
get you together with Tai.


ELTON


Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?


CHER


Why not?


ELTON


Why not? Why not?! Don't you
even know who my father is?


CHER


You are snob and a half.


ELTON


Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai,
I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense.


(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)

CHER


Cut it out!


ELTON


C'mon.


CHER


Stop it!


(Cher gets out of the car.)

(Watch Cher compose herself
after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)

ELTON


Cher?! Where are you going?
You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would
you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.


CHER


Leave me alone!


ELTON


Fine!


(Elton drives away.
What a prick!)

CHER


Hey, where are you going? Shit!


(Cher whips out the phone and
dials)

OPERATOR


Valley information.


CHER


Yeah, do you have the number
of a cab company?


OPERATOR


Which one?


CHER


I don't know which one. What
do you have out here?


OPERATOR


We have Valley Cabs...


ROBBER


Hand it over.


(Cher squeals/moans)


Give me the phone.


(Cher complies)


OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright,
now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon!


CHER


Oh, no. You don't understand,
this is an Alaia.


ROBBER


An a-what-a?


CHER


It's like a totally important
designer.


ROBBER


And I will totally shoot you
in the head. Get down!


(Cher whimpers as she lies down
on the pavement)


Alright, um, count to a hundred.
Thank you.


CHER


One, two...


CHER V.O.


The evening had turned into
a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the
party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where
I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't
want to call him.


(Cher dials up Josh's place.
He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)

JOSH


C'mon.


(Phone rings)


Hello.


CHER


Josh, you busy?


HEATHER


Who is it?


JOSH


It's Mel's daughter.


CHER


So, OK, I was at this party,
and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped,
and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held
me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me
to ruin my dress.


JOSH


OK, OK, look, um. Where are
you?


CHER


Sun Valley.


JOSH


Man, you owe me.


SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR

"The Ghost in You"
Counting Crows

HEATHER


The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique
thought in his little, puny brain.


JOSH


I think there's some merit in learning the form straight
off.

SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.


Suddenly, Daddy had a case that had to be solved right
away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.


(The doorbell rings)

CHER (from upstairs)


Daddy!


MEL


What?


CHER


I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while.


MEL


Then he can wait outside.


CHER


Josh, pleeeaaase!


(Who could resist that?!)


C'mon, Josh? C'mon.


(Josh opens the door. Christian
walks right in)

CHRISTIAN


What do ya hear?


JOSH


She's not ready.


(The two of them walk over to
where Mel is working)

CHRISTIAN


Hey, man.


(Christian extends his hand,
but Mel ignores it)


Nice pile of bricks you got here.


MEL


You drink?


CHRISTIAN


No, thanks. I'm cool.


MEL


I'm not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You
think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?


CHRISTIAN


Hey, man. The protective vibe, I dig.


MEL


What's with you kid? You think the death of Sammy
Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?


(Cher appears walking down the
stairs. Josh and every male in the audience
is stunned)

CHER


Christian.


CHRISTIAN


Doll face.


CHER


Handsome.


CHRISTIAN


Stunning.


JOSH (to Mel)


You're not letting her go out like that, are ya?


MEL


Cher, get in here.


CHER


What's up, Daddy?


MEL


What the hell is that?


CHER


A dress.


MEL


Says who?


CHER


Calvin Klein.


MEL


It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something
over it.


CHER


Duh, I was just going to.


(Cher runs off)

MEL 


Hey, you?!


(Christian turns around)


Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel.
I doubt anybody would miss you.


(Cher reappears)

CHER


Bye, Daddy. C'mon!


(They walk out)

CHER


It's so killer!


CHRISTIAN


Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary.


CHER


Isn't he?


CHRISTIAN


You like Billie Holiday?


CHER


I love him.


CHRISTIAN


Right.


"Miss Brown To You"
Billie Holiday

(They drive off)

JOSH


I didn't like him.


MEL


What's to like?


JOSH


I think I should go to the party.


MEL


If you feel like you should go...


JOSH


You don't need me, do ya?


MEL


No, no, no.


JOSH


I mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want?


MEL


Josh! Go to the party. Go, go, go, go.


JOSH


OK. I'll watch her for you.


(Josh walks off)

MEL


You do that.


SCENE XXV - THE FRAT PARTY

"Someday I Suppose"
Mighty Mighty Bosstones

(Everyone is just dancing. Tai
enters)

CHER


Tai!


(Tai falls down the stairs on
her butt! Classic!)


Oh, my God. Tai, are you OK?


TAI


God, shit! That is so embarassing!


CHER


No, no one saw.


TAI


Now, all night long, I'm gonna
be known as that girl who fell on her butt.


CHER


Tai, no one noticed.


"Where'd You Go?"
Mighty Mighty Bosstones

COLLEGE GUY


Wow! Are you OK? That looked
really bad.


TAI


Yeah, thanks.


(Tai spots Elton dancing with
Amber.)


Oh, my God, Cher, look. He's
going with Amber?!


CHER


No, he's probably just dancing
with her.


TAI


Do you think she's pretty?


CHER


No, she's a full on Monet.


TAI


What's a monet?


CHER


It's like a painting, see? From
far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy.
Christian, what do you think of Amber?


CHRISTIAN


Hagsville.


CHER


See?


CHRISTIAN


Dig this. They're charging for
brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back.


CHER


Sure.


(Christian kisses Cher on the
cheek)

CHRISTIAN


Thanks.


(Christian walks away)

TAI


He is so cute!


CHER


Oh, my God. Do you see how he
is falling in love with me?


(The girls watch Christian shrug
off an interested girl)


I mean, look how he ignores
every other girl.


TAI


Oh, God, look. There's Josh.


CHER V.O.


I didn't even see him come in,
but it's like he finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying
to not have fun.


(Watch the look on Cher's face
as she's waving. Truly legend.)

TAI


Cher, I have a question. What
do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh, like tie it around,
or put it over my shoulder?


CHER


Tie it around your waist.


CHRISTIAN


Ready to slide?


TAI


Thanks.


CHRISTIAN


Let's go.


(Christian and Cher return to
the dance floor)

CHER V.O.


The band was kickin', and Christian
was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw
how unhappy Tai was.


(Josh walks over to Tai, engages
in small talk, then asks her to dance)

CHER


Oh, look, look! Josh is dancing
with Tai, he never dances.


CHRISTIAN


I can see why.


CHER


No, he's doing her a prop so
she won't feel left out.


CHRISTIAN


Oh, I dig it.


(Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh,
and Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself)

"Here (Squirmel Mix)"
Luscious Jackson

JOSH


How are you guys holding up?


CHER


We're so ready to leave.


TAI


I'm tired.


CHER


Let's get Christian and go.
Christian! You wanna go?


CHRISTIAN


Now? These guys here have got
the skinny on the happenin' after hours.


CHER


My trainer's coming really,
really early this morning.


CHRISTIAN


Oh.


JOSH


Look, I could take the girls
home.


CHRISTIAN


No, it's OK.


CHER


No, I'm fine, stay.


CHRISTIAN


You sure?


CHER


Yeah, sure.


CHRISTIAN (to
Josh)


Thanks, man. You got my marker.


(to Cher)
You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.

SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR

CHER


That was really decent of you
to dance with Tai tonight.


JOSH


My pleasure.


CHER


You notice any positive changes
in her?


JOSH


Yeah, it's under your tutilage
she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want
to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?


CHER


Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too
ballistic, it's not like he's going to sleep or anything.


JOSH


No, not if they're going to
finish those depo's.


CHER


Hey, you what would be so dope?
If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all
night.


JOSH


That would be pretty dope of
us. Let's do it.


SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.


The midnight snack totally revived
the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.


MEL


Mmm, Meat!


CHER


Meaty oranges and you get a
lot of vitamin C.


(Mel picks up a large sandwich)


Daddy, no! Daddy, no. You know
you can't have that...


MEL


Cher, c'mon!


CHER


Don't be silly.


CHER V.O.


I know it sounds mental, but
sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because
my party clothes are so binding.


JOSH


Look, I'm just curious. How
many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?


CHER


Some people are not lucky enough
to be as naturally adorable as you are.


JOSH


Stop it, you're making me blush.


(Phone rings. Cher answers)

CHER


Hello?


GAIL


Hi Cher, how are you?


CHER


Hi, Gail.


GAIL


Is my son there, cleaning out
your refridgerator?


(Josh motions a "No"
to Cher)

CHER


No, no, he's not here. You should
try the dorms.


GAIL


Alright, bye, hon.


CHER


Bye-bye.


(Cher hangs up the phone)


What was that all about?


JOSH


She wants me to come home for
spring break.


CHER


So, what's the big deal? Nobody
will be in school.


JOSH


Yeah, but husband number four's
at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.


CHER


So, what? You're just going
to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?


JOSH


I don't mind.


CHER


That is stupid. Why don't you
just come here, you can have your old room, and there are going to be some
great parties.


JOSH


I don't know.


CHER


Why not?


JOSH


You got your whole social world
going on, I don't want to get in the way.


CHER


you won't be in the way.


JOSH


How much fun would it be having
a brother-type tagging along?


CHER


Josh, you are not my brother.


JOSH


You know what I mean.


CHER


C'mon, you need some excitement
in your life. It'll replenish you for your finals.


JOSH


OK.


CHER


Good.


JOSH


I can't believe I'm taking advice
from someone who watches cartoons.


CHER 


That's Ren and Stimpy. They're
way existential.


JOSH


Do you have any idea what you're
talking about?


CHER


No, why? Do I sound like I do?


SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE

(Theme from "2001:A Space
Odyssey" is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings)

CHER V.O.


Christian said he'd call the
next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can imagine my
astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.


CHER


Hello?


"I Believe I'm You"
Gail Orange

CHER V.O.


He said he'd come over with
some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone with Christian! I sent
for reinforcements. Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and
costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take polaroids.
Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.


CHER


Oh, I'm still all red.


DIONNE


Well, I'm trying to make you
as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down.
OK? Calm.


CHER


You know, I am so glad I never
did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for. Christian is brutally
hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.


DIONNE


Blot.


(Later)

(The door bell rings. Cher opens
the door)

CHRISTIAN


Hi.


CHER


Hi.


CHRISTIAN


Is something burning?


CHER


Oh, my God!


(Cher runs to the kitchen. The
bake was fried)

CHRISTIAN


Oh, honey, you baked.


CHER


I tried.


CHRISTIAN


C'mon, show me the rest of your
pad.


(Cher and Christian are outside
among Mel's art collection)

CHRISTIAN


Your father has a well-rounded
collection.


CHER


Daddy says it's a good investment.


CHRISTIAN


He's absolutely right. Klaus
Oldenberg.


CHER


Oh, he's way famous!


(Christian approaches a different
sculpture)

CHRISTIAN


This is older, see? Transitional.
A very important piece.


CHER


Um, do you want to go swimming?


CHRISTIAN


Hmmm, let's watch the movies.


CHER


Oh, OK.


(Scene moves to Christian and
Cher lying on bed watching "Spartacus")

CHER V.O.


Christian had a thing for Tony
Curtis, so he brought over "Some Like It Hot" and "Sparaticus".


(Cher starts rubbing her feet
up against Christian's legs. Christian doesn't enjoy it)

CHER


My feet are cold.


(Christian puts a pillow over
Cher's feet)


Thanks.


CHRISTIAN


Oh, watch this part, this is
good.


(Cher falls off the bed while
trying to look sexy. Too
funny.)


Are you OK?


CHER


I'm fine. Do you want some,
something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.


CHRISTIAN


No. You notice how wine makes
people wanna feel, like sexy.


CHER


That's OK.


CHRISTIAN


I'm actually getting tired.


CHER


But, um, I could make you some
coffee if you'd like?


CHRISTIAN


Oh, no thanks. Got the ulcer.


CHER


But you had all those cappucinos
before?


CHRISTIAN


Oh. Well, you know, that was,
like... foam.


(They move to the front door)


You're great. We're friends,
right?


(Cher nods)


Knock me a little kiss.


(Cher kisses him on the cheek)


I'll see ya.


(Christian leaves)

CHER V.O.


I don't get it. Did my hair
get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?


(NOTHING!)

SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR

DIONNE


Nothing! Maybe he really was
tired!


CHER 


I suppose it wasn't meant to
be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?


MURRAY


Get back into the right lane.
What's the first thing you do?


DIONNE


First thing I do is, I put on
my blinker.


(Dionne accidently turns the
wipers on)


Oh, wait, shit.


MURRAY


Watch the road, watch the road!


DIONNE


Alright! Stop. Then, I look
in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot.


MURRAY


Glance with your head, not the
whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you can't drive for shit!


DIONNE


I'm not trying to hear that.


MURRAY


Hear me...


CHER


Actually, going all the way
is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so caprecious about
it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.


MURRAY


You almost had sex with who?


CHER


Christian.


(Murray cracks up)

DIONNE


What?


MURRAY 


Yo, look. Are you bitches blind
or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy!


CHER & DIONNE


A what?!


MURRAY


He's a disco-dancing, Oscar
Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm
saying?


CHER


Uh-uh. no way.


MURRAY


He's gay.


CHER


Not even.


MURRAY


Yes, even.


DIONNE


He does like to shop, Cher,
and the boy can dress.


CHER


Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'.
I feel like such a bonehead.


MURRAY


What the hell? Yo, you're getting
on the freeway!


DIONNE


What?!


MURRAY


Yo, turn right! Get out of the
lane! Don't go. Forget procedure, just get out of the lane!


(Both Cher and Dionne scream)

MURRAY


Truck, truck, truck, truck!
Ahhh!


CHER (screaming)


You're on the freeway!


DIONNE


What do I do, Murray?


MURRAY


Go straight, go straight, go
straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and drive.


(An old lady gives them the
finger)

CHER (screaming)


Shut up! Shut up!


(Lots of screams from everybody)

MURRAY


Whatever you do, keep your hands
on the wheel, at all times!


(A huge truck closes in on them.
Murray sees it)


Aaahhhhh!!!


(A lot more screaming from the
three)


Turn to the right! Oh, there
it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful. Sorry, baby.


CHER


You did it, Dee!


MURRAY


Relax, relax, relax, relax,
honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath in, breathe.
Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath. Relax, relax.


CHER V.O.


Boy, getting off the freeway
makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity
went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend
of my own.


SCENE XXX - THE MALL

CHER V.O.


Not that Christian wasn't a
blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favourite shopping partners.


CHRISTIAN


???????? Um, where's
Tai?


CHER


Oh, she met some random guys
at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.


TAI (in
distance)


Oh, my God! Did you see...


CHER


I don't know where she meets
these Barnies.


CHRISTIAN


I have a question, alright?


CHER


What?


CHRISTIAN


The jacket? Is it James Dean
or Jason Priestly?


CHER


Carpe' diem. OK, you looked
hot in it.


CHRISTIAN


Really?


TAI (with
the barnies)


If I fall, would you guys catch
me?


CHER


Could we please be more... generic?


(Tai screams)

TAI


Stop it! Please! Bring me back
up, please! Bring me back up.


(Tai screams a little more,
then Christian rescues her)

TAI


Thank you.


CHRISTIAN


You asshole!


BARNEY #1


Hey, man. We're just joking.


CHRISTIAN


Oh, really?! Someone could get
killed.


(Tai runs over and hugs Cher)

TAI


Cher, you don't understand.
I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those guys, and then,
all of a sudden, we were laughing, and...


CHRISTIAN


Hey, are you OK?


TAI


Yeah.


CHRISTIAN


Are you sure?


TAI


I'm fine. Yeah, uh-huh.


CHRISTIAN


Let's get you home for some
R&R, huh?


TAI


What's that?


(Christian laughs)

CHER V.O.


Boy, considering how clueless
she was, Tai certainly had that "damsel in distress" act down.


SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL

CHER V.O.


Meanwhile, back at school, everyone
was talking about Tai's "brush with death" at the mall.


STUDENT


Was it, like a montage of all
the scenes in your life?


TAI


Not exactly a montage...


SUMMER


Hey, Cher! Is it true some gang
members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall?


CHER


No.


SUMMER


That is what everyone is saying.


CHER


Whatever.


STUDENT


When I was nine, I fell off
the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know?


TAI


Wait, wait. Move down for Cher.


DIONNE


Hi!


AMBER


Tell me more, tell me more.


TAI


Where was I?


AMBER


You were thinking about was
really important.


TAI


Oh, right, right. Right before
you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense, spiritual
thing...


CHER


Well, I know when I was held
at gun-point...


STUDENT


Excuse me. (to
Tai) You were saying.


TAI


It's spiritual. I don't know,
I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for you, you know, if you've
never experienced anything...


SCENE XXXV - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.


But now I don't know how to
act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around in my cutest little
outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't do that stuff
with Josh.


(Cher and Josh are in the lounge
watching T.V.)

JOSH


What's with you?


CHER


What do you mean?


JOSH


You're so quiet. You haven't
made me watch the real world?


CHER


I care about the news.


JOSH


Since when?


CHER


Since now.


(T.V. shows scenes from Bosnia)

JOSH


You look confused.


CHER


Well, uh, I thought they declared
peace in the Middle East.


(Scene changes to Mel's Den
with Cher walking past the door in her pyjamas)

MEL


Cher, get in here!


CHER


What's up Daddy?


MEL


What are you doing, dancing
infront of my office?


CHER


Nothing, I just wanted to see
if you needed any help with anything.


MEL


Yeah, you caould help me with
something. Come over here. Every time that you see a telephone conversation
that took place on September third, highlight it. just September third.


CHER


OK.


MEL


Fun, huh?


CHER (laughing)


Yeah. Daddy, did you ever have
a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?


MEL


Tell me the problem, and we'll
figure out how to argue it.


CHER


I like this boy.


MEL


Yes?


CHER


And he likes someone else.


MEL


How could that be?


CHER


I don't know, but I feel wretched.


MEL


Well, obviously this boy is
a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And
to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fella like
that.


CHER


Well, actually he is a smart
guy and, you know he's one of those do-gooder types, and now I feel like
all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.


MEL


How can you say that? Who takes
care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?
To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing sice your mother.



CHER


Really?


MEL


Really. Now get back to work.


SCENE XXXVI - PISMO BEACH
DISASTER

CHER V.O.


Later, while we were learning
about the Pismo Beach diaster, I decided I needed a complete make-over,
except this time I'd make-over my soul. But what makes someone a better
person? And then I realised, all my friends were really good in different
ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting.
Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate
of each other. And poor Miss Giest, always trying to get us involved, no
matter how much we resist?


MISS GIEST


Oh, it's just, that doesn't
even show... you know, every single possesion, every memory, everything
you had your whole life... gone in a second. Can you imagine what that
must feel like?


(Elton raises his hand)


Elton?


ELTON


Can I use the Pass?


MISS GIEST


Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets,
disposable diapers, canned goods...


(Cher raises her hand)

CHER


Miss Giest?


MISS GIEST


Cher?


CHER


I wanna help.


MISS GIEST


That would be wonderful.


CHER V.O.


I felt better already.


(Back at Cher's house)

CHER


Daddy?


MEL


What?


CHER


You didn't like that red caviar,
did you?


MEL


What's she talking about?


(Cher starts dragging a heap
of stuff to the front door)

MEL


Cher, what are you doing?


CHER


I'm captain of the Pismo Beach
disaster relief.


MEL


I don't think they need your
skis.


CHER


Daddy, some people lost all
their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment?


MEL


This is your influence, Josh?


(Scene changes to sign-on stall
at school)

"Shake Some Action"
Cracker

CHER


Hey, c'mere. Sign up, it's going
to be really fun.


(Scene cahnges to indoors)


No, you know what? Can you please
take it to bedding? Yes, thank you very much.



Oh, Miss Giest, Miss Giest.


MISS GIEST


Yes, dear?


CHER


I need more boxes, they're all
filled up.


MISS GIEST


Already? Great!


CHER


I divided them into entres and
apetisers.


MISS GIEST


Oh, OK, I'll have them picked
up.


TRAVIS


Hey.


CHER


Proper. This is really decent
of you Travis.


TRAVIS


Sure.


(Cher picks up a Bong from Travis'
box.)


I wasn't sure about that. I
don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else, you know?
Oh, I wanted to tell you something, I'm sorry about your shoes.


CHER


What shoes?


TRAVIS


The red ones with the strappy
things?


CHER


Oh, those are so last season.
What even made you think of them?


TRAVIS


Well, it's one of my steps,
you see? I joined this club, and there are these steps...


CHER


Twelve?


TRAVIS


Yeah, twelve! How'd you know?


CHER


Wild guess.


TRAVIS


Wow, good guess. Ah, also, here.


(Travis hands Cher a flyer)

CHER (reading)


A.S.L. ?


TRAVIS


Ameteur Skateboarding League.
This clarity thing has brought me to, like a whole new level with my skating.
You gotta see it. Would you come Saturday?


CHER


Sure.


TRAVIS


Cool!


CHER (holding
up bong)


Well, um, I guess, kitchenware?


TRAVIS


That's where I used to keep
it.


SCENE XXXVII - A.S.L. COMPETITION

"Mullet Head" Beastie
Boys

(Tai approached Cher at the
drinks stand)

TAI


Hi?


CHER


Hi.


TAI


Cher, can I talk to you a minute?


CHER


Um, sure.


TAI


Look, I have been in agony the
past week and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did.


CHER


No, I have been going down a
shame spiral. I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings
for Josh.


TAI


No, you are entitled to your
own opinion, alright? I'm the tart here. Cher, you've been nothing but
super-duper nice to me.


CHER


Not even. If it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't have even liked that loser, Elton. I'm so sorry, Tai.


TAI


Cher, I'm really sorry. Oh,
shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.


CHER


Let's never fight again, OK?


(Cher and Tai hug. Travis is
announced on the P.A.)

PA


Next up, number fourteen, Travis
Berkenstock.


(The girls sit down, excitedly
giggling and pointing to Travis.)

TAI


Alright Travis!


CHER


I had no idea he was so motivated.


TAI


Oh, I did.


CHER V.O.


When I saw the sparks between
Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.


SCENE XXXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE

JOSH


You look like Pippi Longstocking.


CHER


Well, you look like Forrest
Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?


JOSH


Someone Mel Gibson never played.


CHER


Funny.


(Cher lets her hair down, and
Josh is dumbfounded by her beauty)

LAWYER


What happened to the August
28th files?


JOSH


Hmm, what?


LAWYER


Mel wanted them tonight, there
were twice as many. He's gonna go ballistic, where are they?


CHER


I think I checked them for the
September third conversation.


LAWYER


What?


JOSH


Where'd you put them?


CHER


I divided them into two piles.
Is that wrong?


LAWYER


Oh, my God. I have to redo all
that. What are you, some kind of idiot?


JOSH


Hey, she didn't know.


LAWYER


She just set us back a day.
Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed!


CHER


I'm sorry.


LAWYER


Just forget it, OK? Just go
back to the mall or something.


(Cher runs out of the room)

JOSH


What's your problem, man? She
didn't mean any harm.


LAWYER


I'm gonna get killed because
she's a moron.


JOSH


She's not a moron. You know,
if you were paying attention to your assignment, it wouldn't have happened.


LAWYER


Well, if you hadn't been playing
footsy with the dumb kid, she wouldn't be bothering me.


JOSH


What the hell are you talking
about?!


LAWYER


You know exactly what I'm talking
about. Josh, this is a multi-million dollar law suit, not some excuse for
puppy-love.


JOSH


Look, we've been working our
butts off on this case!


LAWYER


Well, tell you what? You do
whatever you want with your butts, I'm calling in sick.


(Lawyer leaves while Josh slams
the door behind him. Cher is sitting at the top of the stairs)

CHER


Did I really ruin Daddy's law
suit?


JOSH


No.


(Josh moves up to sit beside
Cher)


Of course not.


CHER


Well, did I set him back? I
mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't afford to lose that
time.


JOSH


Don't worry about it, I'll take
care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you imagine the nerve
of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that, and yet, he's the one
that screwed up and then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we were...
you know?


CHER


That's right, you've been very
dedicated to this case.


JOSH


Yeah, well, it's a good learning
experience, at least for me, I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you
don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go shopping.


CHER


You think that's all I do, I'm
just a ditz with a credit card?


JOSH


No, no, ah, that's not what
I meant.


(Josh just stutters a bit, looking
for the right words)


You're young and beautiful...and...


CHER


And?


JOSH


And, well, uh, what?


CHER


You think I'm beautiful?


(YES, YES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD, YES!!!!)

JOSH


You know your gorgeous, alright?
And popular, and, um, and... but this is not why I, you know, I come here.
This is a good learning experience for me.


CHER


You already said that.


JOSH


Mel, I wanna help out Mel. He's
the only one who cares about me.


CHER


That's not true.


JOSH


He's not? Are you saying you
care about me?


CHER


Josh.


(Cher goes to hit his shoulder,
but he catches her with a kiss. Good move!)

(Both like it. So they try again.)

CHER V.O.


Well, you can guess what happened
next.


SCENE XXXIX - THE WEDDING

CHER V.O.


As if! I am only sixteen, and
this is California, not Kentucky.


(Mr. Hall and Miss Giest get
married)

TAI


I know, that when I have my
own wedding, I want this, like whole entire floral motif, very floral garlens...
floral dresses.


DIONNE


No, no, no, no. When I get married,
I'm gonna have a sailor dress, but it's going to be a gown, and all my
bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats... with vails.


TAI


That sounds so cool.


MURRAY


Oh, my God. They're planning
our weddings already. Could you all stop all that to death do us part mumbo-jumbo.
I'm telling ya, man, I'm completely buggin'.


JOSH


I'm buggin' myself.


(Miss Stoeger runs on the scene)

MISS STOEGER


Girls! She's about to throw
the bouquet, c'mon!


(Miss Stoeger, Dionne and Tai
run off)

JOSH (to
Cher)


Look, we got a pool going to
see who's girl gets the bouquet. It's up to two hundred dollars.


CHER


It's in the bag.


"Tenderness" General
Public


(All the girls are jumping around
waiting for the bouquet. Miss Giest/Mrs. Hall throws it amongst them. The
bouquet exchanges hands and they all fall down. Classic
scene! Cher ends up with it.)


(Cher and Josh kiss.
It's the one scene that I'll never get out
of mind for the rest of my life. Simply awesome lip-lock!)

END CREDITS

"Need You Around"
Smoking Popes

(Sheesh! Finally. Well, I
hope you enjoyed the script. Now be sure to go and watch it repeatedly.
If you have already done so, watch it again! Bye-bye!)

 


If you know of any script errors, soundtrack details,
or any other suggestions about the script, then please email me at pacey578@rocketmail.com.

THE ENDCAST:Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz
Stacey Dash................Dionne
Brittany Murphy............Tai
Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh
Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray
Elisa Donovan..............Amber
Breckin Meyer..............Travis
Jeremy Sisto...............Elton
Dan Hedaya.................Mel
Aida Linares...............Lucy
Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall
Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist
Justin Walker..............Christian
Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm
Herb Hall..................Principal
Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger
Susan Mohun................Heather
Nicole Bilderback..........Summer
Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester
Sean Holland...............Lawrence
Roger Kabler...............College Guy
Jace Alexander.............Robber
Josh Lozoff................Logan
Carl Gottlieb..............Minister
Joseph D. Reitman..........Student
Anthony Beninati...........Bartender
Micki Duran................Dancer
Gregg Russell..............Dancer
Jermaine Montell...........Dancer
Danielle Eckert............DancerWritten by
      Jane Austen   (novel Emma) 
      Amy Heckerling

Cinematography by
      Bill Pope

Music by
      David Kitay

Production Design by
      Steven J. Jordan

Costume Design by
      Mona May

Film Editing by
      Debra Chiate

Produced by
      Barry M. Berg  (co-producer) 
      Twink Caplan  (associate) 
      Robert Lawrence (III)
      Scott Rudin
      Adam Schroeder  (co-producer) 

Other crew
      Den Abraham..............set dresser 
      Barry M. Berg............unit production manager 
      Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up 
      Richard Graves...........assistant director 
      Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin 
      William Hiney............art director 
      Lawrence Karman..........camera operator 
      Mark Kusy................set dresser 
      James LaBarge............set dresser 
      Alyson Dee Moore.........foley 
      James Muro...............steadicam operator 
      Wendy Murray.............set dresser 
      Patricia Nedd............foley 
      Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles 
      Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor 
      Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator 
      Marcia Ross..............casting 
      Daniel Silverberg........assistant director 
      Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager 
      Amy Wells................set decorator 
      Diana Williams...........assistant directorSCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE"Kids in America" The Muffs(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)CHER V.O.