CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE



                                Written by
                         
                               Dan Fogelman
                         
                         
                         
                                                 February 19, 2010


          FADE IN:
                         
          1 INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT (PASADENA, CA) - EVENING 1 
                         
           Soft music. A classy joint. Below the tables, WE PAN
           well-heeled feet nuzzling. Finally we SETTLE ON: 
                         
                         
           A PAIR OF FEET
                         
           WHITE SNEAKERS sitting opposite FANCY HIGH HEELS. These
           feet aren't nuzzling. There's distance here.
                         
           PULL UP, REVEALING CAL WEAVER (42) and his wife, TRACY 
           (41). A handsome couple. He'd be JFK to her Jackie O... 
           if he gave a shit. Unfortunately, he doesn't (i.e.:
           white sneakers in fancy French restaurant).
                         
           Cal pulls out READING GLASSES, looks at the menu.
                         
                          CAL
           Well, I'm full. You were right,
           hon. I shouldn't have eaten all
           that bread.
                          (THEN)
           Want to just share a dessert?
                         
           Tracy is lost in thought, gazing at a menu.
                         
                          CAL
           You okay, babe? You seem out of
           it.
                         
                          TRACY
           Yeah, I'm just thinking about what
           I want.
                         
                          CAL
           Me too. Okay, let's say it at the
           same time. One. Two. Three...
                          TRACY CAL
           I want a divorce. Creme Brulee.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          2 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (PASADENA) - SAME EVENING 2 
                         
           JESSICA (17) chases after MOLLY (9). Jessica's skinny,
           wears glasses, a hipster T-shirt. In five years, she's
           going to make all the boys' heads spin. But not yet.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           2.
                         2 CONTINUED: 2
                          JESSICA
           I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna 
           getcha!
                         
           She grabs Molly and tickles her. Molly SQUEALS with 
           delight. As she kicks... SMASH! A picture falls off the
           nearby console. Jessica picks it up: 
                         
                         
           ON SMASHED PHOTO
                         
           Cal and Tracy. This is their house.
                         
                         
           BACK TO SCENE
                          
                          JESSICA
           It's okay, my fault.
                          (THEN)
           Alright, kiddo, it's getting late,
           let's get you to bed before your
           parents get home. Don't give me
           the puppy eyes, you little maniac.
           Go brush your teeth!
                         
           Molly GIGGLES, RUNS upstairs. Once Molly's gone, Jessica
           looks at the photo. She eyes Cal affectionately. 
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
          3 INT. BAR 3
                         
           Meanwhile, TWO YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WOMEN drink and laugh
           at a table. HANNAH (24) is clearly buzzed. 
                          HANNAH
           I don't care. I love him and
           given the opportunity, I'd have
           his babies.
                         
           Her best friend, LIZ (29), LAUGHS.
                         
                          LIZ
           Seriously? Conan O'Brien? You'd
           do Conan O'Brien? 
                          
                          HANNAH
           I'm just saying, Richard's a lot 
           of things: successful, smart...
                         
                          LIZ
           Boring, workaholic, sexually 
           repressed... 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           3.
                         3 CONTINUED: 3
                          HANNAH
           But he's not very funny, that's 
           all.
                         
                          LIZ
           Yeah, well, you want funny, go
           watch `Cosby' reruns. You want a
           good lay, go get yourself some
           of... that.
                         
           She motions off to the side.
                         
                          HANNAH
           What?
                         
                          LIZ
           The hot piece that's been checking
           you out for the last hour.
                         
           THE CROWD PARTS, revealing: JACOB PALMER (32). The 
           smoothest, coolest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen. He
           tilts his glass at them, toasting.
                         
          4 INT. LEXUS SUV 4
                         
           Meanwhile, Cal sits in the passenger seat, dazed. A "to-
           go" box from the French restaurant in his lap. Tracy
           drives.
                         
                          TRACY
           Aren't you going to say anything?
                         
           Nothing.
                         
                          TRACY
           Almost twenty-five years of
           marriage, you have nothing to say?
                         
           She looks at him. He turns to her, about to say
           something, then... stops himself. Turns back forward.
                         
           It's silent. Devastating.
                         
           CUT BACK TO:
                         
                         
          5 INT. CAL AND TRACY'S HOUSE 5
                         
           Meanwhile, Jessica (the baby-sitter) stops at a bedroom
           door. She hears MUSIC coming from inside, puts her ear 
           to the door. It's Lady Gaga. It's awful. 
                         
           She smiles, knocks and opens the door at the same time.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           4.
                         5 CONTINUED: 5
                          JESSICA
           Hey, your sister's asleep, just
           checking you're alive --
                         
           She SCREAMS as -- 
                         
                         
                          ANOTHER ANGLE
                         
           ROBBIE WEAVER (13), quickly covers himself up. He was 
           masturbating.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Close the door!
                         
                         
           BACK TO JESSICA
                         
           who slams the door shut.
                         
                          JESSICA
                          (THROUGH DOOR)
           I'm sorry, Robbie! I didn't see 
           anything, I swear. 
                         
                         
           BACK INSIDE ROOM
                         
           Robbie lies there frozen, horrified. 
                          
          6 INT. BAR 6
                         
           Meanwhile, where Liz and Hannah keep drinking.
                         
                          LIZ
           I don't know, Hannah. Your life
           is just so... PG-13. 
                         
           Hannah's mouth drops open.
                         
                          HANNAH
           My life is not PG-13!
                          
                          LIZ
           It so is. You've never left LA. 
           You pass the bar you're gonna be,
           what, a patent lawyer, probably
           married to that snooze-fest
           Richard. I just worry about you
           is all. Hell, you've resorted to
           fantasizing about Conan `Ginger- 
           Dick' O'Brien. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           5.
                         6 CONTINUED: 6
                          HANNAH
                          (ADORABLE)
           He's funny.
                         
                          LIZ
           He looks like a carrot, honey.
                         
           Hannah LAUGHS.
                         
           VOICE (O.S.)
           Who?
                         
           They turn. It's Jacob Palmer (the stud from earlier). 
                         
                          LIZ
           Hi.
                         
                          JACOB
           Hi. Who looks like a carrot? 
                         
                          LIZ
           Conan O'Brien. My friend Hannah
           thinks he's sexy.
                         
                          JACOB
           I think your friend Hannah is
           sexy.
                         
           Hannah LAUGHS.
                         
                          HANNAH
           You didn't really just say that.
                         
                          JACOB
           Pretty sure I did.
                         
                          HANNAH
           How old are you?
                         
                          JACOB
           Thirty-three next month. 
                         
                          HANNAH
           Then you should know by now that
           cheesy pick-up lines don't work.
                         
           Jacob sits down at their table, uninvited.
                         
                          JACOB
           I find you incredibly sexy. It's
           a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line.
                          (MORE)
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           6.
                         6 CONTINUED: (2) 6
                          JACOB (CONT'D)
           There are many attractive women in
           this bar -- including your friend
           here -- and I've been unable to
           take my eyes off you, only you,
           for the past two hours. Again:
           not a cheesy pick-up line, just a
           fact.
                          (THEN)
           Answer this quickly, without
           thinking about your answer: do
           you find me attractive?
                         
           Hannah doesn't flinch.
                         
                          HANNAH
           I don't.
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes you do.
                         
                          LIZ
           Yes, she does.
                         
                          JACOB
           I'm an accomplished lover. If you
           come home with me, I am confident
           you will leave satisfied. 
           Multiple times. 
                         
                          HANNAH
           You've got to be kiddi--
                         
                          JACOB
           We'll make love and it will be
           amazing. You'll laugh afterwards
           and say `I never do this kind of
           thing.' Then you'll do it again. 
                         
                          HANNAH
           Is that so?
                         
                          JACOB
           It is. So now I'm going to ask if
           I can buy you another drink. If
           you say yes, we'll have one more
           cocktail each -- just enough to
           start losing inhibitions, not
           enough to get sloppy, after all:
           I promised to satisfy you. 
                         
                          LIZ
           Multiple times. 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           7.
                         6 CONTINUED: (3) 6
                          JACOB
           That's right. So, here we go,
           Hannah: can I buy you a drink?
                         
           Hannah and Liz share a look.
                         
                          HANNAH
           What do you expect me to say to
           that?
                         
                          JACOB
           Margarita, rocks, salt.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Wow.
                         
           She STANDS, grabs her coat and Liz's hand.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Okay, time to go.
                         
           Liz doesn't move.
                         
                          LIZ
           I'll go home with you, you can
           call me Hannah, I don't give a
                          CRAP -- 
                         
                          HANNAH
           Liz!
                         
                          LIZ
           (whispering to him)
           Another time, maybe.
                         
           GIGGLING, the girls leave the bar.
                         
          7 INT. LEXUS SUV 7
                         
           Still driving, Tracy looks at Cal. He remains silent.
                         
                          TRACY
           I'm unhappy, Cal. I've tried not
           to be. We've been married so
           long, somewhere we became...
           stagnant, you know?
                         
           He keeps staring straight ahead.
                         
                          TRACY 
           Okay, you're not talking and you 
           know that only makes me talk more. 
           Maybe that's good, maybe that's 
           good. Okay... 
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           8.
                         7 CONTINUED: 7
                          TRACY (CONT'D)
                          (THEN) 
           There's this person. 
                         
           No response. 
                         
                          TRACY
           We've been spending time together. 
           Lunches, meetings, that kind of 
           stuff... 
                         
           Silence. She closes her eyes tightly. 
                         
                          TRACY
           I slept with him. Kind of. 
                         
           Tracy opens one eye, taking a peek. Nothing. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           No, no kind of. I can't believe I 
           said kind of. That's just not 
           something you do in a kind of way. 
           I slept with someone. There. I 
           said it. I slept with someone. 
           Oh God. It's the worst thing I've 
           ever done but it feels so good to 
           say out loud. I slept with 
           someone. I SLEPT with someone. I 
           slept with SOMEONE. I slept with 
           ... please stop me, please say 
           something. 
                         
           No reaction. 
                         
                          TRACY
           David Jacobowitz. From work. You
           met him at the Christmas party. 
           You remember that party? They had 
           the giant paper-maché wreath? I 
           kept asking the decorator how he 
           made it? You wore that sweater -- 
                         
           Finally, Cal speaks --
                         
                          CAL
           Please stop.
                         
                          TRACY
           The last person in the world I'd
           ever want to hurt was you, Cal --
                         
                          CAL
           If you keep talking, I'm going to
           get out of the car.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           9.
                         7 CONTINUED: (2) 7
                          TRACY
           But the fact that I did, that it 
           could happen at all, I think it 
           just shows how broken we are and -- 
                         
                          CAL
           Okay.
                         
           Just like that, Cal OPENS THE DOOR to the moving car and,
           simply, steps out. Tracy SCREAMS as Cal goes flying.
                         
           She screeches to a stop as he tumbles to the curb in her
           rearview mirror.
                         
                         
          8 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 8
                         
           Tracy runs to him. He's on the curb, BLOODIED but okay. 
                         
                          TRACY
           Are you out of your mind!?
                         
           He looks up at her, pleading.
                         
                          CAL
           I'll leave tonight, I'll sign
           whatever you want me to sign, if
           you'll just stop talking about it.
                         
           She touches his bloody forehead, affectionate. There's
           still something here.
                         
                          TRACY
           Okay.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay.
                         
           He stands, limps back to the car.
                         
          9 INT. THE WEAVER HOUSE 9
                         
           Meanwhile, Jessica sits on the living room couch. Robbie
           ENTERS, stands there. He's a precocious, adorable,
           masturbation-addicted, thirteen-year-old.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I'm sorry that you had to see
           that.
                         
           She keeps staring straight ahead.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I should have knocked.
                          (CONTINUED)
           10.
                         9 CONTINUED: 9
           Silence. After a long beat.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           For the record: I think about you
           while I do it --
                         
                          JESSICA
           Robbie!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I have a picture of you and I look
           at it the whole time --
                         
                          JESSICA
           Stop it!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I love you, Jessica. And I know
           you're seventeen, and I know I
           just turned thirteen, which is the 
           same age as your little brother, 
           and you're technically my baby-
           sitter, but someday soon our age
           difference will be inconsequential
           which is good because...
                         
                          JESSICA
                          ROBBIE --
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I'm pretty sure you're my
           soulmate.
                         
           She stops, looks at him and smiles gently.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Listen, Robbie --
                         
           LIZ (O.S.)
           We're home.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Shit.
                         
           Jessica jumps off the couch.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver. How was
           dinner...
                          (NOTICING)
           Oh my God, Mr. Weaver, you're
           bleeding. Why are you bleeding?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           11.
                         9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
                          CAL
           Mrs. Weaver told me she wants a
           divorce so I jumped out of the
           car. Hope the kids behaved. Come
           on, I'll drive you home.
                         
           Robbie steps INTO FRAME.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Dad?
                         
                          CAL
           Oh. I didn't know you were here. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You're getting divorced?
                         
                          CAL
           Yes.
                         
                          TRACY
           Cal!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           And you jumped out of a car?
                         
                          CAL
           A moving car, yes.
                         
                          TRACY
           Cal!
                         
                          CAL
                          (TO ROBBIE)
           I'm sorry you found out this way.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I'm sorry you jumped out of a car.
                         
                          CAL
           Thanks.
                          (THEN)
           Jessica, you got your coat?
                         
                          JESSICA
           Uh-huh.
                         
          10 INT. LEXUS SUV - LATER 10
                         
           Cal drives now. Jessica in the front. Awkward.
           Finally, Cal starts talking to himself. Almost shell- 
           shocked.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           12.
                         10 CONTINUED: 10
                          CAL
           We'll talk to the kids tomorrow.
           Tell them we're separating. Just
           separating. We'll do it together.
                         
           He thinks.
                         
                          CAL
           I'll have to tell Nanna. Uch,
           she's gonna be crushed. But not
           right now. She's got enough to
           worry about...
                         
           He trails off. Another long beat of silence, then he
           remembers his company and turns toward Jessica.
                         
                          CAL
                          (WITH ENERGY)
           So, I hear Stanford early 
           admission, huh. I know your dad
           is so proud.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Yeah.
                          (THEN)
           You're bleeding real bad, Mr.
           Weaver.
                         
           She goes to touch his eye. Out of nowhere... he starts
           BANGING THE SHIT out of his steering wheel.
                         
                          CAL
           David Jacobowitz! Are you kidding
           me!? DAVID FUCKING JACOBOWITZ!
           GOD DAMN HER! 
                         
           He calms down, slowly. Pulls up to a DRIVEWAY.
                         
                          CAL
           Sorry about that.
                         
                          JESSICA
           It's okay.
                         
           Jessica reaches for the door, but stops. She takes a
           deep breath, adorable.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Mr. Weaver, I know you don't know
           me very well, but I've been baby-
           sitting for your family for three
           years. You're the nicest dad of
           any of the families I baby-sit
           for, by a country mile.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           13.
                         10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
                          JESSICA (CONT'D)
           You're funny, and you're always
           really generous, and you're the
           only dad who's excited --
           genuinely excited -- to check on
           his kids when he gets home from
           dinner. Now I like Mrs. Weaver, I
           like her a lot, but if she wants
           to divorce you, well... then I
           think she's batshit crazy.
                         
           Cal smiles, distracted but grateful. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           In fact -- and, I hope this
           doesn't make you uncomfortable --
           I think I've even developed a
                          LITTLE CRUS--
                         
                          CAL
                          (NOT LISTENING)
           Hey: do me a favor -- can you not
           mention what's going on between
           Mrs. Weaver and I to your parents?
           It's probably better they hear it
           from us. Okay?
                         
                          JESSICA
           Uh-huh.
                         
                          CAL
           That's my girl.
                         
           Jessica awkwardly gets out of the car.
                         
                          CAL
           Hey, Jessica? Thanks for
           listening.
                         
           She smiles, turns back. She freezes when she sees...
           He's holding CASH out the window to pay her.
                         
                          CAL
           You put this to that fake ID
           you'll need up at Stanford. 
                         
           And with a sad wink, he drives off -- leaving her
           standing there, lovelorn and forty-five dollars richer.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
          11 INT. BAR - LATER 11
                         
           Cal sits at the bar, drinking away his sorrows. He's
           disheveled, a bit wobbly. He motions for the BARTENDER.
                          (CONTINUED)
           14.
                         11 CONTINUED: 11
                          BARTENDER
           Another vodka cranberry?
                         
                          CAL
           Yes. Just... yes.
                         
           A GIRL (30s) approaches the bar. Cal taps her shoulder,
           a drunken train-wreck waiting to happen.
                         
                          CAL
           Guess what?
                         
                          GIRL
           What?
                         
                          CAL
           My wife is having intercourse with
           someone who isn't me.
                         
                          GIRL
           I'm sorry to hear that.
                         
                          CAL
           That's very nice of you to say.
           She just told me tonight,
           obviously it came as a bit of a
           shock and you're not listening
           anymore.
                         
           The Girl has turned back to a group of friends. 
                         
                          CAL
           I bet you wouldn't ignore me if I
           were David Jacobowitz. My wife
           doesn't ignore David Jacobowitz.
           (to no one) 
           She screws him. 
                         
           Something catches Cal's eye across the bar. We PAN TO... 
                         
                         
                          JACOB PALMER
                         
           wearing his two thousand dollar suit, he's now got TWO 
           BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fawning over him at his table. 
                         
           Cal takes him in for a long beat, turns back to the 
           bartender, and decides: 
                         
                          CAL 
                          (RE: JACOB) 
           Gay. 
           15.
                         
                         
          12 EXT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 12 
                         
           You know these places: basically a "strip" of identical 
           housing units -- usually occupied by newly-divorced dads. 
                         
           A WOMAN (60s) gives Cal the tour. 
                         
                          WOMAN 
           So it's pretty no-frills. Unit 2 
           is a lot like unit 1 except you're 
           downstairs so... the ground is 
           closer. Which is nice. 
                         
                         
          13 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 13 
                         
           The most depressing, empty, beige place ever. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I guess the price is right. 
                         
                          WOMAN 
           Yeah, well, tons of divorced guys 
           here. You'll fit right in. 
                         
           Cal SIGHS, un-enthused. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'll take it. 
                         
                          WOMAN 
           Ooh, the gym has an elliptical 
           machine... I assume you want to 
           get back in shape? 
                         
           Cal looks down, embarrassed. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I guess. 
                         
                          WOMAN 
           Great! I'll let you know when 
           they fix it. 
                         
          14 INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON 14 
                         
           Cal sits at his desk, doing paperwork. His BOSS ENTERS. 
                         
                          BOSS 
           Cal, I just got the weekly sales 
           report, good good good! You 
           really killed this quarter! 
                          (MORE)
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           16.
                         14 CONTINUED: 14
                          BOSS (CONT'D)
           Keep it up you're going to be 
           sitting in my seat by year's end. 
           Really great, Cal. Seriously. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Who told you Tracy and I were 
           getting a divorce? 
                         
                          BOSS 
                          (RELIEVED) 
           Divorce! That's it. Amy heard 
           you crying in the bathroom. We 
           all thought it was cancer. Thank 
           God. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I have to go buy furniture now. 
                         
           Cal stands, EXITS. 
                         
                          BOSS 
           Go for it! 
           (then, calling after) 
           It could have been cancer, buddy! 
                         
          15 INT. FURNITURE STORE - LATER 15 
                         
           Cal is sitting on a plain, faux-modern couch. He's 
           staring into space. A SALESMAN APPROACHES. 
                         
                          SALESMAN 
           Can I help you, sir? 
                         
                          CAL 
           My wife is sleeping with David 
           Jacobowitz. I need a couch. 
                         
                          SALESMAN 
           Ooh, I understand. Can I give you 
           a word of advice, one divorced man 
           to another? If you don't mind? 
                         
                          CAL 
           Sure. 
                         
                          SALESMAN 
           Get the matching chaise, killer 
           deal. 
                         
           He pats the adjacent piece. Cal processes this. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I want it in beige. 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           17.
                         15 CONTINUED: 15
                          SALESMAN 
           I'll write you up. 
                         
                         
          16 INT. BAR - NIGHT 16 
                         
           Cal's back at the bar, sipping on his drink. He looks 
           absolutely exhausted. He looks across the bar. 
                         
           At his usual table, Jacob is now wooing a NEW WOMAN. 
                         
           Cal shakes his head, amazed at this guy's chutzpah. A 
           GUY grabs the open bar stool next to Cal. Cal reacts. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for 
           a friend. 
                         
                          GUY 
           You've been holding the seat for 
           an hour. 
                         
                          CAL 
                          (TOO LOUD) 
           Yeah, well, my wife is screwing 
           David Jacobowitz so eat me. 
                         
           The guy shrugs, walks away. Cal looks at his watch, puts 
           a napkin on his drink, and stands. 
                         
          17 INT. BATHROOM - LATER 17 
                         
           Cal pees. Jacob steps INTO FRAME in the adjacent urinal. 
           Cal does a friendly "I'm peeing next to you" nod. Then: 
                          CAL 
           Can't help but notice that you're 
           always surrounded by women. 
           Multiple women. 
                         
           Jacob doesn't even turn. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'm getting divorced. Or, in the 
           process. Gonna be single again. 
                         
           Nothing. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Any advice? 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Yeah. 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           18.
                         17 CONTINUED: 17
           Jacob zips, flushes, turns. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Don't start conversations with 
           people while they're pissing. 
                         
           He walks away, washes his hands, EXITS. A beat, then: 
                         
                          CAL 
                          (TO HIMSELF) 
           So gay. 
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO: 
                         
                         
          18 INT. BAR - LATER 18 
                         
           Cal's a few drinks in now. The door to the bar opens as 
           BERNIE (late 40s) rushes in. An oak tree of a man. He's 
           carrying a SHOPPING BAG. 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           Sorry I'm late, I had to pick 
           something up from Macy's. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Don't worry about it, here, sit, 
           I've been guarding this stool with 
           my life. 
                         
           Bernie sits, looks uncomfortable. 
                         
                          CAL 
           It's good to see you, man. I've 
           called you a few times. It's been 
           a rough couple of days, obviously. 
           Nothing I could use more than my 
           old pal Bernie to unload on. Hey, 
           we should play racquetball, when's 
           the last time we played 
           racquetball? 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           Claire won't let me be friends 
           with you anymore. 
                         
           Cal takes this in. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'm sorry, what? 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           She said we had to choose between 
           you and Tracy. I chose you. She 
           said no. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           19.
                         18 CONTINUED: 18
           He pulls a WRAPPED PACKAGE from the bag, hands it to Cal. 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           It's cologne. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Are you breaking up with me? 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           Claire's waiting in the car. 
           Um... there's a gift receipt in 
           there. Sorry. 
                         
           Bernie stands, awkwardly. He pats Cal on the shoulder, 
           lingers a beat too long, then simply turns and EXITS. 
                         
           Cal is left alone. He raises a finger at the Bartender. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Do you have anything with a worm 
           in it? Because I'd like a gallon 
           of that now. 
                         
                         
                          ON JACOB 
                         
           Legs crossed, martini in hand, he's been watching Cal get 
           dumped this whole time. 
                         
           He PANS UP from Cal's feet. The white sneakers. Bad
           navy blue dress socks. Dad khakis. An ill-fitting,
           untucked, dress shirt. Half-lidded eyes. Rumpled hair.
                         
           Jacob shakes his head. Jesus Christ. He says something 
           to THE WOMAN who currently sits at the table. She nods, 
           gets up and walks away. 
                         
                         
           BACK TO CAL
                         
           As the Bartender pours him a second shot. He's now 
           showing pictures from his wallet to the Bartender.
                         
                          CAL
           This is my youngest, Molly. Her
           two favorite things are High
           School Musical and her mother. I
           hate both of her two favorite
           things.
                         
           A SHARP WHISTLE interrupts. Cal turns, sees Jacob.
                         
           Jacob motions for Cal to come over. Every move Jacob
           makes is practiced, perfectly cool.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           20.
                         18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
           Cal points at himself: "Me?" Jacob nods: "Yep." Cal
           SHRUGS, stands, and wobbles over towards Jacob. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Jacob Palmer.
                         
                          CAL
                          CAL WEA--
                         
                          JACOB
           I'd like to buy you a drink, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           I already have a drink.
                         
                          JACOB
           Let me buy you a drink, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay.
                         
           Jacob motions to the Bartender who NODS. Cal SITS.
                         
                          CAL
           My wife is cheating on me with --
                         
                          JACOB
           David Jacobowitz, yes, Cal, I've
           heard. We've all heard. For the
           last two nights, I've watched you 
           batter every poor soul in this bar
           with your sad-sack loser sob
           story.
                         
           Cal takes this in. He STANDS.
                         
                          CAL
           You know what, I don't need this
                          CRAP -- 
                         
                          JACOB
           Sit down, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay.
                         
           Cal sits. Jacob's that powerful. Cal's that drunk.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           21.
                         18 CONTINUED: (3) 18
                          JACOB
           Cal, I'm going to make you an
           offer, it's probably the best
           offer you're ever going to get,
           and you're extremely drunk, so
           it's wildly important that you
           don't answer until I've finished
           and you've taken a few moments to
           process what I'm saying. Do you
           understand?
                         
           Cal goes to answer, Jacob holds up a finger. Cal stops
           himself. Once he's settled, Jacob continues:
                         
                          JACOB
           As I said, I've been watching you
           for two days now and I can say, 
           without hesitation, that you are
           the sorriest man I've ever seen in
           my life -- don't interrupt, Cal,
           it's the truth, and you need to
           hear it. You're sitting there
           with your Supercut haircut,
           getting drunk on watered down
           vodka-cranberries like a fourteen-
           year-old girl, wearing a 41R
           jacket when you should be wearing
           a 40L -- I don't know if I want to
           help you or euthanize you
           -- stop drinking out of the
           goddamn straw, Cal. 
                         
           Cal stops drinking from the wimpy red straw. 
                         
                          JACOB
           You asked me for advice before, 
           Cal, so I'm going to help you. I 
           don't know why. Maybe I'm just
           bored. Maybe all my friends have
           abandoned me for wives and
           children and labradoodle puppies,
           who cares why? Why doesn't
           matter. The point is, you've got
           a good face, and a good head of
           hair, and I'm bored as hell and
           need a project. So if you want,
           I'm going to help you rediscover
           your manhood. Do you remember
           when it was that you lost it? 
                         
           Cal shakes "no."
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           22.
                         18 CONTINUED: (4) 18
                          JACOB
           Doesn't matter, we'll find it.
           And when we do, when I'm through
           with you, that wife of yours is
           going to rue the day she decided
           to give up on you too early.
           That's my offer. What do you say?
                         
           Cal stares at him blankly. A long beat of silence. Cal
           goes for a drink, almost uses the straw... then catches
           himself. He puts down the drink. Looks up.
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah, okay.
                         
                          JACOB
           Mall food court, Thursday, six
           o'clock.
                         
                          CAL
           I'm sorry, what?
                         
           Jacob downs his drink, nods at THE WOMAN (now nearby). 
                         
                          JACOB
           You ready to go? 
                         
           She nods, subservient, and follows him out.
                         
           Cal shakes his head, picks up his drink, and slurps the
           rest of his vodka cranberry out of the straw.
                         
          19 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - DAY (ONE WEEK LATER) 19 
                         
           A well-maintained yard, bordered by shrubs and bushes. A 
           long driveway runs parallel to the yard. A medium-sized 
           U-HAUL is parked in the driveway. 
                         
           Cal EXITS the back door, carrying a BOX. He loads it 
           into the U-haul and takes a last look back at: 
                         
                         
                          HIS BACKYARD 
                         
           A weathered playground sits off to the side. You can 
           tell it hasn't been used in quite some time. Baseball 
           equipment lays all over, the site of many father-son 
           catches. An oft-used barbecue next to the house. 
                         
           You can tell a lot about this family from seeing this 
           backyard. You like this family a lot from seeing this 
           backyard. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           23.
                         19 CONTINUED: 19
           TRACY (O.S.) 
           Cal? 
                         
           Cal looks up. Tracy approaches. She's wearing sweats. 
           It's pretty obvious that she's been crying. Awkward 
           silence. Neither knows what to say. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I just wanted to say that... 
                         
           Her voice cracks. She turns away. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Shit. 
                         
           She gathers herself. Cal steps forward. Instinct tells 
           him to comfort his wife but he can't anymore and he stops 
           himself. She realizes this. There's something harsh and 
           complicated about the reality of it all. 
                         
           Tracy looks at the U-HAUL, wipes her eyes and tries to 
           lighten things. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Do you want me to back that thing 
           out of the driveway for you? 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'll be fine. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           You have trouble in reverse is 
           all. 
                         
                          CAL 
           It was two times -- 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Three if you count my father's 
           foot. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I did that on purpose. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I knew it. 
                         
           They smile, in rhythm for a moment. Then they realize, 
           stop smiling. Cal turns awkwardly. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Once I'm settled, I'll get the 
           kids so they can see the place. 
                         
           He walks to the truck. Tracy's voice stops him. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           24.
                         19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
                          TRACY 
           I think I'm have a mid-life crisis 
           maybe. Can women have mid-life 
           crisis? 
                         
                          CAL 
                          (AVOIDING ENGAGEMENT) 
           Make sure the lawn gets enough 
           water. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           In the movies it's always men 
           having them and buying ridiculous 
           yellow Porsches, but I'm not a man 
           and I really don't want a yellow 
                          PORSCHE -- 
                         
                          CAL 
           You have to fertilize once a 
           month. Not twice a month, not 
           once every two months. 
                         
           She takes a deep breath, finding her balance. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           We got married so young, Cal. And 
           I'm forty-one. And that's so much 
           older than I thought I'd be. 
                         
                          CAL 
           The sprinklers turn off behind 
           you. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           And I got really upset with an 
           umpire at Molly's t-ball game last 
           month -- like really upset, like I 
           screamed at him and wished he 
           would die -- and I started feeling 
           like the person I promised I 
           wouldn't turn into, you know? 
                         
                          CAL 
           If it rains a lot, you need to 
           shut off the automatic setting. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           And we haven't been us, not for a 
           long time. And I don't know when 
           you and I stopped being `us' 
           but... I mean, do you? 
                         
           Cal finally turns and looks at her. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           25.
                         19 CONTINUED: (3) 19
                          CAL 
           I think it was when you screwed 
           David Jacobowitz. 
                         
           Ouch. Tracy's face registers the blow, but she nods: 
           she also understands it. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Make sure my azaleas get enough 
           sun. 
                         
           Cal turns, gets in the U-HAUL, and backs out... 
                         
           And immediately crashes into the neighboring FENCE. 
                          
                         
          20 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - EVENING 20 
                         
           Cal leads in Molly and Robbie. 
                         
                          CAL
           Okay, well, this is it. What do
           you think? Didn't have a lot of
           time to house-hunt, but...
                         
           They look around his depressing, beige apartment. A 
           pathetic TV plays the Disney Channel in the corner. 
                         
                          CAL
           There's a second bedroom with twin
           beds so you two can stay over
           whenever you want! Anytime!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           So... you're like, actually going 
           to live here?
                         
           Molly looks like she's going to cry.
                         
                          CAL
           Hey, hey. Come on now, you'll
           visit all the time. Every
           weekend. It won't be that bad.
                         
                          MOLLY
           Don't you love us anymore?
                         
           Cal takes Molly's face in his hands, starts tearing up. 
                         
                          CAL
           Listen, baby. What's happening
           with your mommy and I... it's not
           what either of us wanted, not what
           either of us planned.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           26.
                         20 CONTINUED: 20
                          CAL (CONT'D)
           But you need to understand that
           you kids have done nothing wron--
                         
                          MOLLY
           TROY!
                         
           She bolts past Cal to the TV, where ZAC EFRON is on-
           screen, prancing about in a basketball uniform. Robbie
           and Cal stand there, awkwardly.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Don't take it personally. That
           show's like crack to her.
                         
           Cal NODS.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You okay?
                          
                          CAL
           You?
                         
           Robbie shrugs.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Can I say something with a curse?
           One time?
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah. Why not?
                         
           Robbie NODS, takes a deep breath.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Love is fucked. 
                         
           Cal LAUGHS, a bit of tension relieved.
                         
                          CAL
           Is that so? You in love, buddy?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Well, if you must know --
                         
           JESSICA (O.S.)
           Ding dong.
                         
           They turn -- it's Jessica, the baby-sitter.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           What is she doing here?
                         
                          CAL
           Oh, right, hey, Jess, thanks for
                          COMING --
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           27.
                         20 CONTINUED: (2) 20
                          CAL (CONT'D)
           (back to Robbie)
           I have to run out really quickly,
           just for a few hours, and your
           mother wants you to stay here
           while she's out hooking --
                         
                          ROBBIE
           What?
                         
                          CAL
           Huh?
                         
                          JESSICA
                          (CHANGING TOPICS)
           The place is... nice, Mr. Weaver.
                         
                          CAL
           Yes, well, that's a generous
           adjective, thank you.
                          (TO ROBBIE)
           Anyhow, Jess is gonna keep an eye
           on you guys for a few.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           But I don't need a babysitter!
           She's only four years older than
           me! You need to know that! She
           needs to know that!
                         
                          CAL
           I know, buddy.
                         
           Cal musses Robbie's hair.
                         
                          CAL
           My little boy's growing up, Jess.
           He's in love already, can you
           believe it?
                         
           Uch. Robbie thumps the wall with his head, dying. 
                         
                          CAL
           Molly, say bye-bye to Daddy? 
                         
           No response, she's glued to the television.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Wait, where are you going?
                         
                          CAL
           I'm, uh... I decided to take a
           class.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           28.
                         20 CONTINUED: (3) 20
                          JESSICA
           That's great, Mr. Weaver. It's a 
           difficult time for you, it's
           important that you find new
           interests, try new things, maybe
           things you'd never have considered
           trying before...
                         
           Cal looks down, Jessica has her hand on his shoulder.
           It's a bit odd. She realizes, takes it off.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay, well... Molly, last chance!? 
                         
           But Molly is still locked on Efron.
                         
                          CAL
           That's my angel. Back in a few. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           But, Dad --
                         
                          CAL
           Nope.
                         
           The door slams. Robbie stands there with Jessica,
           awkward. Tries to maintain some semblance of cool.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I don't need a baby-sitter.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I know, Robbie.
                         
           An awkward beat, then.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I love you so much --
                         
                          JESSICA
           Jesus Christ.
                         
          21 EXT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 21
                         
           Cal pulls into the parking lot, grabs a space.
                         
                          CAL
           What am I doing?
                         
                         
          22 INT. SHOPPING MALL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
                         
           He ENTERS, still going.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           29.
                         22 CONTINUED: 22
                          CAL
           What the hell am I doing?
                         
           He walks past a CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Inside is... 
                         
           Hannah (girl from the bar who Jacob tried picking up). 
                         
                         
          23 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 23
                         
           She's sitting at a table with Liz (her friend) and a
           GROUP OF REALLY BORING WHITE PEOPLE in suits. There are
           SMALL GIFTS in front of Hannah.
                         
           Holding her hand is an average guy (33), her boyfriend,
           RICHARD. We PICK UP mid-conversation.
                         
                          RICHARD
           I think you're wrong. I think
           that's Tucker.
                         
                          WHITE MAN
           No, no, no. Chris Rock is the
           stand-up comedian. Chris Tucker
           is the actor.
                         
                          WHITE WOMAN
           Is it racist that I can't tell
           them apart?
                         
           Liz nods her head "yes" at Hannah. Hannah stifles a
           LAUGH. Liz stands.
                         
                          LIZ
           Well, Richard: thank you for
           inviting me to Hannah's `goodbye'
           party. The conversation has been
           riveting, like stepping back in 
           time. Before I go, a toast.
                         
           She holds up her glass, toasting.
                         
                          LIZ
           Sweetie: go into your hole and 
           study your cute little ass off for
           that bar exam. We'll see you when
           you emerge.
                         
                          RICHARD
           She's gonna kick that bar's butt!
                         
           All the dorks CHEER. Liz SHRUGS.
                         
                          LIZ
           Yeah, okay.
                          (CONTINUED)
           30.
                         23 CONTINUED: 23
           Liz CHUGS her drink, turns to Hannah.
                         
                          HANNAH
                          (SMILING)
           I'll walk you out.
                         
           Before they clear...
                         
                          RICHARD
           Hey, Liz? When my girl passes,
           we're gonna have another little
           celebration, right here. Hope you
           can make it. It's going to be a
           special night.
                         
                          LIZ
           Richard, you just give me a heads-
           up so I can get really drunk
           before-hand, okay?
                         
                          RICHARD
           You know it!
                         
           Hannah leads Liz out of the restaurant, WHISPERS:
                         
                          HANNAH
           Did you hear that? `It's going to
           be a special night.' You think
           he's going to propose?
                         
                          LIZ
           At the Cheesecake Factory? Oh
           God, I hope not.
                          (THEN)
           Why? Do you really want him to?
                         
           Hannah SHRUGS.
                         
                          HANNAH
           He's nice.
                         
                          LIZ
           Yeah, well... Jesus. Really? 
           (with a shrug)
           Okay. Not my life, I love you,
           call me if you need anything. 
                         
           Liz KISSES her goodbye, EXITS. Hannah looks at her 
           table. Everyone is typing on their BLACKBERRIES. 
                         
           She SIGHS, heads to rejoin them.
           31.
                         
                         
          24 INT. FOOD COURT 24 
                         
           Meanwhile, Cal sees Jacob, standing against a pole in the 
           food court. Jacob is eating pizza, cool as ever.
                         
                          JACOB
           You're late.
           (then, offering)
           Sbarro's?
                         
                          CAL
           No thanks. So what exactly are
                          WE --
                         
                          JACOB
           How much money can you afford to
           spend on clothes today?
                         
                          CAL
           I dunno. Five hundred?
                         
                          JACOB
           Three thousand.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay.
                         
                          JACOB
           We'll start with shoes. Let me
           see those sneakers you're wearing.
                         
           Cal holds up his foot.
                         
                          JACOB
           Take them off.
                         
           Cal bends down, takes one off. 
                         
                          JACOB
                          (CHEWING)
           Other one too, please?
                         
           Cal does as he's told. Jacob holds out his hands. Cal
           SHRUGS, hands Jacob the shoes.
                         
           Jacob simply turns and throws them over the railing. 
                         
                          CAL
           What the hell!?
                         
                          JACOB
           Are you in a fraternity, Cal?
                         
                          CAL
           Those were my favorite shoes.
                          (CONTINUED)
           32.
                         24 CONTINUED: 24
                          JACOB
           ARE YOU IN A FRATERNITY, CAL!?
                         
                          CAL
           No.
                         
                          JACOB
           Are you Steve Jobs?
                         
                          CAL
           What?
                         
                          JACOB
           ARE YOU THE BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF
           APPLE COMPUTERS?
                         
                          CAL
           No. I'm not Steve Jobs.
                         
                          JACOB
           Then you don't need to walk around
           in New Balance Sneaker, ever.
           Let's go.
                         
          25 INT. SHOE STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
                         
           Cal (barefoot) follows Jacob around the store.
                         
                          CAL
           I think this whole thing might
           have been a bad idea.
                         
           Jacob ignores him, grabs a pair of BLACK DRESS SHOES. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Any man can rebuild his entire
           wardrobe with sixteen simple
           items.
                         
                          CAL
           Ha! I think I read that in GQ.
                         
                          JACOB
           You did. I wrote it.
                         
                          CAL
           Really?
                         
           Jacob CHUCKLES. Cal CHUCKLES back, clearly unsure what
           the chuckle symbolizes.
                         
                          JACOB
           Numbers one and two: pair of
           dress shoes, pair of loafers.
                          (CONTINUED)
           33.
                         25 CONTINUED: 25
           Cal is looking at a pair of ARGYLE SOCKS. 
                         
                          CAL
           I'm sorry, I'm lost: do you
           really write for GQ?
                         
           Jacob slaps Cal's hand, knocking the socks away. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Your credit card please?
                         
                         
           MONTAGE - FROM STORE TO STORE
                         
           We watch as Jacob narrates the wardrobe essentials (and
           as Cal's arms get progressively fuller) in each store.
                         
          26 IN A SUIT STORE 26
                         
           Cal gets fitted.
                         
           JACOB (V.O.)
           Two suits: one black, one grey.
           One sports jacket, navy preferred.
                         
           Jacob leans in toward the tailor.
                         
                          JACOB
           Take it in there... and there. 
                         
                         
          27 AT ANOTHER STORE 27
                         
           Cal holds jeans in front of him, eyes them suspiciously.
           JACOB (V.O.)
           One pair of quality jeans.
                         
                          CAL
           These are two hundred and thirty
           dollars. Can't we just go to the
           Gap?
                         
           He looks up. Jacob is gone. 
                         
           SMASH CUT TO: 
                         
                         
          28 EXT. MALL - MOMENTS LATER 28 
                         
           Cal runs outside. Jacob is already halfway to the car. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'm sorry! Don't leave! 
                          (CONTINUED)
           34.
                         28 CONTINUED: 28
           Jacob immediately heads back inside and answers: 
                         
                          JACOB
           No, Cal. We can't just go to the
           Gap.
                         
                          CAL
           What's wrong with the Gap?
                         
                          JACOB
           In Hell, every store is the Gap,
           that's what's wrong with the Gap,
           Cal. It's lowest common
           denominator. Be better than the
           fucking Gap, Cal.
                         
          29 IN A NEW STORE 29
                         
           Jacob holds up a pair of beige slacks.
                         
           JACOB (V.O.)
           One pair of chinos.
                         
           CHING. A cash register DINGS.
                         
           JACOB (V.O.)
           Four dress shirts.
                         
           CHING. CHING. CHING. CHING. Cal's arms are filling.
                         
           JACOB (V.O.)
           Three casual button-downs.
                         
           CHING. CHING. CHING. In a dressing room shirts come
           flying over the wall at Cal.
                         
          30 A NEW STORE 30
                         
           Cal struggles to get a sweater over his neck.
                         
           JACOB (V.O.)
           Two v-neck cashmere sweaters, and
           finally, a long overcoat.
                         
           Cal stands there in an overcoat and sweater.
                         
                          CAL
           I'm very warm.
                         
                         
          31 IN A BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE 31
                         
           Jacob leads Cal through the store. He tosses him a TUBE.
                          (CONTINUED)
           35.
                         31 CONTINUED: 31
                          JACOB
           You rub this in around your eyes
           every night and every morning.
                         
                          CAL
           What does it do?
                         
                          JACOB
                          (SARCASTIC)
           It gives you x-ray vision, Cal.
                          (THEN)
           It tightens things up. The skin
           around your eyes looks like Milton
           Berle's ballsack.
                         
           Cal stops, examines his eyes in a mirror.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh my God, it does.
                         
          32 IN A SALON 32
                         
           Cal is getting his hair cut at a fancy salon. The
           HAIRDRESSER is young, hip, and beautiful.
                         
                          CAL
           I like to use a number four on the
           sides and the back, go longer on
           the top.
                         
                          JACOB
           Oh, okay. Thanks for that, Vidal
           Sassoon. Tiffany, hon? Scissor 
           cut, tight on sides, get him some
           texture up top, take off about...
           He touches Cal's hair, measures it between his fingers.
                         
                          CAL
           Eww.
                         
                          JACOB
           ... inch off the top.
                         
                          TIFFANY
           Yes, sir.
                         
                          CAL
                          BUT --
                         
           Tiffany starts chopping.
                          
           36.
                         
                         
          33 INT. SALON - LATER 33
                         
           Jacob and Tiffany wait for Cal (inside a changing room).
                         
                          JACOB
           What are you putting on?
                         
           CAL (O.S.)
           Items one, three, eleven, and
           fourteen.
                         
                          JACOB
           Perfect.
           (then, to Tiffany)
           You smell great by the way.
                         
                          TIFFANY
                          (SMITTEN)
           Thanks.
                         
                          JACOB
           What are you doing tonight?
                         
                          TIFFANY
           I don't know.
                         
                          JACOB
           That's okay, I do.
                         
           She GIGGLES. Cal calls out.
                         
           CAL (O.S.)
           Seriously? You just ask her out
           like that?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes, Cal, just like that.
                         
           CAL (O.S.)
           And it works?
                          JACOB TIFFANY
           Yes. Yes.
                         
           CAL (O.S.)
           Crazy.
                          (THEN)
           Okay, I feel kind of stupid but...
                         
           The DRESSING ROOM DOOR opens. We TILT UP... FROM
           expensive shoes, TO pants, TO fitted sweater over a
           fitted shirt and bright tie. The new haircut...
                         
           A new man. He looks... unbelievable.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           37.
                         33 CONTINUED: 33
                          TIFFANY
           Wow.
                         
                          JACOB
           Yep.
                         
                          CAL
           Can I blouse out the shirt a
           little? I like to blouse out my
           shirts a little.
                         
                          JACOB
           Shut up, Cal.
                          (TO TIFFANY)
           You'd fuck him, right?
                         
                          CAL
                          (HORRIFIED)
           Jesus!
                         
                          TIFFANY
           Yeah, probably.
                         
                          CAL
           Tiffany!
           (then, realizing)
           You would!?
                         
           Tiffany SHRUGS.
                         
                          JACOB
           You see that, Cal? The simple act
           of opening your mouth instantly
           causes Tiffany to lose interest in
           sleeping with you. Your
           personality is actually your
           weakest link.
                         
           Cal takes this in.
                         
                          CAL
           Well, that's the meanest thing
           anyone's ever said to me.
                         
                          JACOB
           No, Cal. The meanest thing
           anyone's ever said to you is this:
           your wife cheated on you because
           you lost sight of what it took to
           keep her content at home -- as a
           man, as a husband, and probably as
           a lover.
                         
           Cal's lower lip begins to quiver. 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           38.
                         33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
                          CAL
           Yeah, okay, that was meaner.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          34 INT. BAR - NEXT NIGHT 34
                         
           Cal sits next to Jacob. Cal is wearing his new "outfit." 
           He looks great, but not yet comfortable in his new 
           "gear."
                         
           Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he's walked out of a
           men's magazine. And he knows it. Cal looks at Jacob. 
                         
                          CAL
           I notice you only button your
           shirts up, like, halfway. I can't
           pull that off, right?
                         
                          JACOB
           No. Listen, Cal, I'm going to be 
           calling women over to our table
           shortly.
                         
           Cal rubs his hands together, nervous.
                          
                          CAL
           We should have some background on
           each other, no? I'm in insurance,
           more on the corporate side. My
           kids are --
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal, the only thing I care less
           about than corporate insurance are
           your kids. Here's the only thing 
           I need to know: how many women
           have you been with?
                         
                          CAL
           Sexually?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
                          CAL
           In my entire life?
                         
                          JACOB
           No, synchronized swimming. Yes, 
           Cal. Sexually. 
                         
           Cal thinks. He MUMBLES to himself, counting it out on
           one hand.
                          (CONTINUED)
           39.
                         34 CONTINUED: 34
           He smiles at Jacob proudly when he has to move the count
           to a second hand. Then:
                         
                          CAL
           One.
                         
           Jacob CHORTLES. But Cal just stares at him blankly. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Wow, okay... wow.
           (then, checking) 
           Not at a time? Total? 
                         
                          CAL
           What? I married young. We met in
           high school.
                         
           He smiles, remembering.
                         
                          CAL
           Tracy was so damn beautiful. You
           know those women, the ones who can
           be wildly sexy and unbelievably
           cute all at once? I never knew
           how she did that. I still don't
           know how she does it.
                          (THEN)
           Anyway, we had a bit of a hiccup
           our senior year but we made it -- 
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal, I literally stopped listening
           at `Tracy.' Okay, here we go.
                         
                          CAL
           (a bit emotional)
           I miss my wife.
                         
                          JACOB
           Shut up, Cal.
                         
           A YOUNG WOMAN slides into the booth at Jacob's side.
                         
                          YOUNG WOMAN
           Hi.
                         
                          JACOB
           Hi. Jacob Palmer. 
                         
                          YOUNG WOMAN
           Amy Johnson.
                         
           Cal extends his hand.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           40.
                         34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
                          CAL
                          CAL --
                         
                          JACOB
                          (QUICKLY)
           Don't.
                         
           He pulls it back.
                         
                          CAL
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           -- Weaver.
                         
                          JACOB
           Can I get you a drink, Amy?
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         35 A DRINK 35
                         
           gets handed over to: a NEW GIRL, on a NEW NIGHT. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Tell me about yourself. What do
           you do?
                         
                          NEW GIRL
           Does it really matter? 
                         
                          JACOB
           It does to me.
                         
           She looks up. He looks completely earnest, repeats:
                         
                          JACOB
           It does to me.
                         
           She smiles.
                         
           PAN TO CAL: just sitting there watching, horrified.
                         
                         
          36 BACK TO JACOB 36
                         
           Now with NEWER GIRL. 
                         
                          NEWER GIRL
           And that's when I started writing
           the column for LA Weekly. God, 
           how long have I been talking?
                         
           Jacob takes her hand.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           41.
                         36 CONTINUED: 36
                          JACOB
           Listen, I'm going to be honest:
           it's getting late and I think
           you're interesting. I also think
           you're one of those rare women who
           manages to be both wildly sexy and
           incredibly cute all at once.
                         
                         
                          ON CAL
                         
           Mouth agape. That was his line!
                         
                         
                          ON JACOB
                         
                          JACOB
           Let's get out of here. I know
           it's forward of me but just... I
           think we should get out of here.
                         
           She thinks, then NODS.
                         
                          NEWER GIRL
           Okay.
                         
           FLASH CUT TO:
                         
          37 THE SECOND GIRL 37
                         
                          JACOB
           I think we should get out of here.
                         
                          NEW GIRL
           Okay.
           FLASH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          38 THE FIRST GIRL 38
                         
                          JACOB
           I think we should get out of here.
                         
                          FIRST GIRL
           Okay.
                         
                         
          38A BACK TO CAL 38A
                         
           waving goodbye awkwardly as Jacob leaves with each of the
           girls (IN QUICK CUTS). Finally:
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           42.
          38A CONTINUED: 38A
           Cal just sits there, completely alone. But then A PRETTY 
           GIRL arrives at his table. Cal looks up, smiles. She
           smiles back, then:
                         
           She drops THE BILL on the table. She's a waitress. And
           he's been left with the tab.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          39 INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON (ONE WEEK LATER) 39
                         
           ON THE BLACKBOARD: "SCARLET LETTER, THEMES." 
                         
           Robbie Weaver sits at his 8th grade desk. In the b.g.,
           we hear a FEMALE TEACHER drone on about The Scarlet
           Letter. Under his desk, Robbie is TEXTING. 
                         
                          INTERCUT WITH: 
                         
          40 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - JESSICA 40 
                         
           receiving the text. 
                         
                         
           ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
                         
           The text: "Hi, Jessica. FYI: Demi Moore is 15 yrs
           older than Ashton K. They seem really happy. Love,
           Robbie."
                         
           Her phone BEEPS with a NEW TEXT: "P.S. did you know Demi 
           Moore starred in the movie version of The Scarlet 
           Letter?" 
           Her phone BEEPS a third time: "She shows boob :-)" 
                         
           She SIGHS. 
                         
                         
          41 BACK TO ROBBIE 41 
                         
           Pleased with himself. The FEMALE TEACHER drones on in 
           the b.g. 
                         
           TEACHER (O.S.)
           While Hester is forced to wear a
           scarlet `A' as punishment for
           adultery, Reverend Dimmesdale's
           `A' is self-inflicted --
                         
           Robbie's PHONE BEEPS. A "NEW MESSAGE." Robbie smiles. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           43.
                         41 CONTINUED: 41
           ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN
                         
           The text: "Robbie: please stop. U r making me very
           uncomfortable."
                         
                         
           BACK TO SCENE 
                         
           Robbie stares at the screen, crestfallen.
                         
           TEACHER (O.S.)
           Mr. Weaver? Are we interrupting? 
                         
           Robbie looks up: the WHOLE CLASS is staring at him. 
                         
           TEACHER (O.S.)
           Mr. Weaver!
                         
           Slowly, Robbie stands. We HEAD IN TIGHT ON him.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You want to talk about The Scarlet
           Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you
           go: the `A' they're both wearing
           -- I think it stands for ASSHOLE.
           Wanna know why? Because they're
           in love, and love is for stupid
           ASSHOLES. So thanks for choosing
           this book, Mrs. Thompson, because
           this is what I need right now: to 
           read a boring, confusing book
           about a bunch of stupid assholes
           who fell in love, like assholes,
           and then had to die, like
           assholes. I'm sorry for cursing.
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          42 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 42 
                         
           Tracy works at her desk. A KNOCK at her door interrupts. 
           A TALL MAN (40's) stands there: DAVID JACOBOWITZ. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           You have a second? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Oh, David. I'm just a little 
           swamped right now so... 
                         
           He closes the door behind him. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           You've been avoiding me. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           44.
                         42 CONTINUED: 42
                          TRACY 
           No, I haven't. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           You ran away in the other 
           direction when you saw me coming 
           down the hall yesterday. 
                          (BEAT) 
           You're very fast by the way. 
                         
           She SIGHS, gives up. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I ran track in high school. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           That must be it. 
                         
           He turns serious. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           I'm sorry about you and Cal. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Thank you. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           I'm also not sorry, if I'm being 
           completely honest. 
                          (GATHERING HIMSELF) 
           I want to make sure you know how 
           much I like you. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           No, I do -- 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           A lot. Just to clarify. I like 
           you a lot. I had no intention of 
           falling for a married woman. I 
           just wanted someone to go to lunch 
           with who didn't make me want to 
           shoot myself in the face. But we 
           started having lunch, and talking, 
           and suddenly I was an accountant 
           who was popping out of bed in the 
           morning, excited to get to work. 
           That doesn't happen to 
           accountants. Ever. I've checked 
           with other accountants. 
                         
           She smiles. 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           45.
                         42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           So when the time is right for you 
           to get back out there again, 
           officially, I just... I'd like to 
           throw my hat in the ring. 
           Officially. That sounded weird. 
                         
           Tracy LAUGHS lightly, leans forward. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           David, you've been a great friend 
           to me. And you were the first man 
           in a very long time to make me 
           feel... noticed, I guess? What 
           happened between us that night... 
           it meant something to me. You 
           weren't the only one excited to 
           come to work lately. 
                         
           David smiles. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           But now, when I see you, all I see 
           is his face. All I see when I 
           look at you is what I did to my 
           marriage. 
                         
           She's losing it, wipes her eyes. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           You see this? I'm saving you from 
           disaster, David, `cause you're 
           asking to pre-board the Titanic. 
           Honestly, do you really want any 
           part of this? 
           Before he can answer... BUZZ! It's Tracy's phone. 
                         
           ASSISTANT (V.O.) 
           Your son's school on two. 
                         
           Tracy quickly picks up phone. As she talks, David 
           scribbles something on a postcard, EXITS. 
                         
                          TRACY 
                          (INTO PHONE) 
           Right, okay. No, I understand. 
           Of course, right away. 
                         
           She HANGS UP, looks at the Post-It. It reads, simply: 
                         
           "Yes." Tracy looks up, but David is gone. 
           46.
                         
                         
          43 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - LATER 43
                         
           Robbie sits, waiting. Tracy EMERGES. 
                         
                          TRACY
           (calling back in)
           Yes, of course. Absolutely,
           Principal Sapienza, it won't
           happen again.
                         
           She closes the door behind her, looks to Robbie.
                         
                          TRACY
           Seriously?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Sorry.
                         
           She SIGHS.
                         
                          TRACY
           It's been a rough couple of weeks,
           you deserve a freebie. C'mon, I
           have to get back to work.
                         
           They walk out together.
                         
                          TRACY
           They still make kids read The
           Scarlet Letter, huh?
                         
           Robbie NODS.
                         
                          TRACY
           You'd really think someone would
           have written something better by
           now.
                         
           Robbie LAUGHS, the tension broken a bit.
                         
                         
          44 INT. TRACY'S OFFICE - LATER 44
                         
           Robbie wheels around in an office chair as Tracy tries to 
           work behind her desk. He stops, noticing a PHOTO. 
                         
           It's an older picture of CAL AND TRACY. They look happy. 
           Very much in love. Tracy notices.
                         
                          TRACY
           Guess I should take it down, huh?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I guess.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           47.
                         44 CONTINUED: 44
           Tracy NODS. She places the picture face down gently. 
           She tries to return to her work, but can't. 
                         
                          TRACY
           How is he? I've spoken to him but
           only about bills, or you kids,
           but... how is he, really?
                         
           Robbie hesitates.
                         
                          TRACY
           Sorry, that's unfair. Ignore me,
           I'm almost done here.
                         
           She turns back to her work. After a beat:
                         
                          ROBBIE
           He's dressing a lot better. Going
           out a lot.
                         
                          TRACY
           Oh. Well, good. That's... really
           good.
           (then, covering)
           We'll get take-out for dinner
           tonight, okay? Think about what
           you're in the mood for.
                         
           Robbie hesitates, then adds:
                         
                          ROBBIE
           He's sad. He looks better, but...
           sadder, too, I think. You know?
                          
                          TRACY
           Yeah. I guess I'm pretty sad,
           too.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I know.
                         
                          TRACY 
           You do? 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I heard you crying the other night 
           and... I didn't know what to do. 
           I'm thirteen years old and... can 
           you just tell me what I'm supposed 
           to do in that situation? I didn't 
           want to Google it. 
                         
           She smiles, shakes her head. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           48.
                         44 CONTINUED: (2) 44
                          TRACY 
           Oh God, baby, you're so much like 
           me it's scary. You wound up with 
           all my stuff, Robbie. I'm so 
           sorry. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I'm okay with being like you, Mom. 
           I like you. 
                         
           She puts down her pen. Smiles sadly at Robbie.
                         
                          TRACY
           It's my fault, what happened with 
           your father. It's grown-up stuff 
           that I can't talk about but...
           it's my fault. Not his. So
           just... be good to him, okay?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           It'll be okay, Mom.
                         
                          TRACY
                          (EMOTIONAL)
           You promise?
                         
           He NODS, the most soulful thirteen-year-old ever.
                         
           DAVID JACOBOWITZ (O.S.) 
           Hey, they need you in the
           conference room for a sec... oh,
           sorry.
                         
           They look up. It's David. Tracy gathers herself, 
           stands.
                         
                          TRACY
           David, this is my son, Robbie.
           Robbie, this is David.
                          (FORCED)
           We work together.
                         
           Robbie takes him in, shakes his hand.
                         
                          TRACY
           I'll be right back, okay, honey?
                          ROBBIE DAVID
           Okay. Okay.
                         
           Awkward. Really awkward. Tracy starts to say something,
           thinks better of it, and EXITS.
                         
           David moves into the room, sits down opposite Robbie.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           49.
                         44 CONTINUED: (3) 44
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ
           So, Robbie... I hear you're quite
           the soccer player.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           So, David... I hear you broke up
           my parents' marriage.
                         
           He LAUGHS awkwardly, shocked.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You are David Jacobowitz, right?
           From accounting?
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ
           Um, yes I am --
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Here's the thing, David: in the
           end, she winds up back with my
           dad. He's better than you, in
           every category except probably 
           math. And she still loves him. 
                         
           Robbie props the PHOTO of Tracy and Cal back up. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ
           Listen, Robbie --
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Now I know what you're thinking:
           `he's just in 8th grade, what does
           he know about love?' I know a lot
           more than you think, David. Just
           today, I had a meltdown, almost
           gave up on the love of my life.
           My dad's having his meltdown now, 
           but long-term? He won't stop
           fighting for my mom any more than
           I won't stop sending Jessica texts
           that make her uncomfortable. And
           you need to know that.
                         
           Tracy RE-ENTERS.
                         
                          TRACY
           You ready to go?
                         
                          ROBBIE
                          (SUDDENLY SWEET) 
           Mommy, can we do Chinese for 
           dinner tonight? 
                          
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           50.
                         44 CONTINUED: (4) 44
           Tracy waves to David as she and Robbie EXIT, leaving him 
           stunned in the middle of her office, staring at: 
                         
           THE PHOTO OF CAL AND TRACY that Robbie has left directly
           in his line of sight.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          45 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 45 
                         
           Bushes rustle. Once, then twice. It's Cal, sneaking 
           into the backyard. He takes a covert look inside the 
           house. All is quiet. He gets to work. 
                         
           -- He spreads FERTILIZER on the grass. 
                         
           -- Trims some bushes. 
                         
           -- Picks off some petals from some dying flowers. 
                         
           It's the strangest goddamn thing you've ever seen. 
           Finally, he finishes. 
                         
                         
                          ON CAL 
                         
           Content. His yard may not be his anymore, but it's back 
           in order. As he takes it all in... 
                         
           A LIGHT pops on. 
                         
           Cal DIVES into a SHRUB. 
                         
          46 INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT 46
           Another night at the bar: Cal's in his position, Jacob
           in his. Cal sips his drink, staring aimlessly forward.
                         
           Jacob looks at Cal. Cal looks great, more comfortable in
           his new "skin" than when we left him. He's drinking a
           martini, rather than a red-strawed vodka cranberry.
                         
           A WAITRESS passes. Without speaking, Cal taps the rim of
           the glass, silently requesting a refill. It's a cool,
           practiced move... and he did it instinctively.
                         
           Jacob smiles, leans forward.
                         
                          JACOB
           I think you're ready, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           For what?
                          (CONTINUED)
           51.
                         46 CONTINUED: 46
                          JACOB
           To talk to a woman, take a woman
           home.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh, no. No, I'm not.
                         
                          JACOB
           You've been watching me do it for
           two weeks.
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah, well, I've been watching
           LeBron James for years, doesn't
           mean I can suddenly dunk a
           basketball.
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal, do you remember the part in
           Karate Kid, where Mr. Miagi keeps
           having the kid wax the car and the 
           kid gets all bent out of shape
           because he doesn't see the point,
           but the movements were actually 
           building blocks for throwing and
           blocking punches?
                          
                          CAL
           Oh God. Are you going to make me
           fight someone?
                         
           Jacob stretches his neck, trying his patience:
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal, what's the first thing I do
           when a woman sits down?
                         
                          CAL
           You ask if you can buy her a
           drink.
                         
                          JACOB
           And what if she says no?
                         
                          CAL
           You order her a drink anyway, let
           it sit there.
                          
                          JACOB
           When she asks me a question about
           myself?
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           52.
                         46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
                          CAL
           You deflect it back to her. You
           never answer questions about
           yourself.
                         
                          JACOB
           And what happens?
                         
                          CAL
           They talk about themselves. A
           lot.
                         
                          JACOB
           And what do I do?
                         
                          CAL
           You act really interested. You
           nod a lot.
                         
                          JACOB
           And at the end of the night?
                         
                          CAL
           You compliment them, then you ask
           if they'd like to come back to
           your place.
                         
                          JACOB
           Do I ask?
                         
                          CAL
           No. You confidently tell them
           you'd like them to come back to
           your place.
                          (THEN)
           Holy shit! You Mr. Miagi'd me!
                         
           Jacob BOWS to Cal, Japanese style. A PRETTY WOMAN stands
           near their table. Jacob stands, smiles.
                         
                          JACOB
           Oh, and no talking about your job, 
           your children, your pathetic
           sexual history, or David
           Jacobowitz. Okay, here we go...
                         
                          CAL
           What, no, I'm not ready for --
           (then, to woman)
           Hi!
                         
           Jacob has pulled her over. She's attractive, mid- 
           thirties.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           53.
                         46 CONTINUED: (3) 46
                          JACOB
           Cal, this is Kate. Kate, Cal.
                         
           Jacob NODS at Cal ("you've got this") and leaves them. 
           Kate SITS. Cal smiles at Kate, nervous. She smiles
           back. Cal MOTIONS for a waitress in the distance.
                         
                          CAL
           Can I buy you a drink, Kate?
                         
           KATE (PRETTY WOMAN) 
           Oh. No thank you.
                         
           Cal smiles, portrays confidence.
                         
                          CAL
           I'm buying you a drink anyway,
           Kate, so you might as well tell me
           what you want.
                          
                          KATE
           Really, thank you but it's okay. 
                         
                          CAL
           I'm guessing you're a vodka girl,
           am I right? Yeah? A nice dirty
           martini? No, no, no: a Grey
           Goose, rocks, extra lime? C'mon, 
           one drink! Picture those ice
           cubes clinking together. Mmmm.
           Can't you taste it?
                         
           She smiles.
                         
                          KATE
           Yes, I can but... I'm, uh, five
           years sober so...
                         
           Cal's face drops. The WAITRESS approaches.
                         
                          WAITRESS
           What can I get --
                         
                          CAL
           Nothing. We don't want anything.
           Don't come back here ever.
                         
           The Waitress leaves, confused. Kate looks around,
           uncomfortable. She tries small-talk.
                         
                          KATE
           So... what do you do, Cal?
                         
                          CAL
           What do you do, Kate?
                          (CONTINUED)
           54.
                         46 CONTINUED: (4) 46
                          KATE
           I asked you first.
                         
                          CAL
           I asked you second.
                         
           She LAUGHS lightly, thinks he's being funny.
                         
                          KATE
           Seriously, what do you do?
                         
                          CAL
           Seriously, what do you do?
                         
           Now it's getting a little weird.
                         
                          KATE
           I'm a teacher. Now, c'mon: what
           do you do?
                         
           Cal NODS, exaggerated.
                         
                          CAL
           Teacher. Interesting. I'm very
           interested in teaching.
                         
                          KATE
           I'm sorry, are you not going to
           tell me what you do?
                         
           He's still nodding, as if fascinated.
                         
                          CAL
           A teacher with an alcohol
           dependency no less, I bet that's
           actually more common than people
           realize...
                          
                          KATE
           I should get back to my friends -- 
                         
           Kate STANDS. Cal puts his face in his hands. 
                         
                          CAL
           I'm sorry! I'm supposed to
           deflect your questions... oh screw
           it: I'm in corporate insurance.
           And I have children. Plural.
           More than one. The only thing I
           have ONE of, is sexual partners,
           that would be the woman I recently
           separated from because she was
           cheating on me with David
           Jacobowitz who I wasn't supposed
           to tell you about either.
                          (CONTINUED)
           55.
                         46 CONTINUED: (5) 46
           Kate turns back, curious.
                         
                          KATE
           What were you supposed to tell me?
                         
                          CAL
           I don't know: that you're a
           perfect combination of sexy and
           cute -- it was something I said
           about my wife that's since been
           corrupted. But I'm tired, and I'm
           at least fifteen years older than
           you, and this sweater is called
           slim fitting but it's really just
           uncomfortable and itchy.
                         
                          KATE
           You think I'm a perfect
           combination of sexy and cute?
                         
           Cal looks up.
                         
                          CAL
           That's what you took away from
           that?
                         
           She smiles, sits back down.
                         
                          KATE
           Wow, an actual honest man. I
           don't know what to do with that.
           It's kind of... rare around here.
                          (THEN)
           It's nice, actually.
                         
                          CAL
           It is?
                         
                          KATE
           You have no idea. I'm kind of a
           magnet for these jerk-offs. They
           charm me, and I fall for it, and
           at some point they just... never
           call me again.
                         
                          CAL
                          (GENUINE)
           I don't understand. Look at you.
           Who wouldn't call you again?
           She looks up. It's not a line, it's a genuine
           compliment. She smiles warmly. Holy shit, Cal is in!
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           56.
                         46 CONTINUED: (6) 46
                          KATE
           So... what were you `supposed' to
           do next?
                         
                          CAL
           Well, eventually I'm `supposed' to
           ask you if you want to get out of
           here. Actually no, I'm supposed
           to tell you, confidently, that you
           should come home with me.
                         
                          KATE
           Why don't you give it a shot, see
           what happens?
                         
           Cal looks up, surprised. He clears his throat, then:
                         
                          CAL
           You're very pretty, Kate. And I
           can't tell if you're being
           serious, but I think you should
           come home with me.
                         
                          KATE
                          (PLAYFUL)
           Ask me again.
                         
           Cal smiles and leans forward, faux-confident. 
                         
                          CAL
           I'm not asking you, Kate. I'm
           telling you: you should come home
           with me.
                         
           Kate looks up, genuinely turned-on.
                         
           CUE MUSIC: "SEXYBACK" by Justin Timberlake.
                         
           SMASH CUT TO:
                         
          47 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER 47
                         
           Cal and Kate BARGE in, passionately kissing. 
                         
                          CAL
           (gasping for breath)
           This is my dumpy apartment that I
           had to move into when I left my
           wife.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           57.
                         47 CONTINUED: 47
                          KATE
                          (TURNED ON) 
           I love that you're being so
           honest. It's so different, so
           hot.
                         
                          CAL
           I've never been with a woman
           besides my ex-wife.
                         
                          KATE
           More, tell me more.
                         
                          CAL
           I'm worried you have AIDS.
                         
           She stops.
                         
                          CAL
           Only a little.
                         
           She pushes him down on the couch, takes her sweater off.
           She's wearing just a bra. She looks amazing.
                         
                          KATE 
           What do you want to do with me?
                         
                          CAL
           Show you off to my wife to make
           her jealous.
                         
           She GROWLS and dives on top of him as we launch: 
                         
          48 CAL WEAVER'S "SEXYBACK" MONTAGE (THE NEXT FEW WEEKS) 48
           -- The next morning a DISHEVELED CAL lets Kate out, gives
           her a big passionate kiss, and closes the DOOR.
                         
           -- We STAY ON the DOOR. After a beat, it opens up: as
           Cal bids farewell to a NEW GIRL on a new morning.
                         
                         
          49 AT THE BAR 49
                         
           Cal strides in -- a skip in his step, a perfectly
           tailored suit on his body. Everything's in SLOW MOTION.
           He points at someone, winks at a waitress...
                         
           A SAD SACK GUY at the bar watches Cal stride by, jealous. 
           Cal Weaver has evolved into "the fucking man." 
           58.
                         
                         
                         50 SNAPSHOTS 50
                         
                          MEANWHILE --
                         
           1) HANNAH studies late into the night for the bar. 2)
           JESSICA reads magazine articles on "How to Make Him
           Notice You." 3) TRACY eats ice cream in bed, alone. 4)
           ROBBIE drags mysterious wood planks into his backyard.
           But we're mainly with CAL...
                         
                         
          51 BACK TO CAL'S APARTMENT 51
                         
           A NEW WOMAN EXITS. The door closes. It re-opens as he 
           kisses goodbye ANOTHER WOMAN! 
                         
          52 BACK AT THE BAR -- CAL AND JACOB 52 
                         
           are mid-conversation. 
                          
                          JACOB 
           ... it would work! 
                         
                          CAL 
           You're out of your mind. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           What do college guys hate? Doing 
           laundry. What do they love? 
           Strippers. It's a strip club 
           where they can do their laundry. 
                         
                          CAL 
           It's ridiculous. 
                          JACOB 
           And yours isn't? A candy store 
           that only sells red candy. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Everyone loves the cherry. Look, 
           I'm not rejecting the psuedo- 
           cherry flavors like raspberry or 
           strawberry, anything in the -erry 
           family is allowed. But let's be 
           real here: no one wants the 
           lemon. No one likes the grape. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           I like grape. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Well then you can't come to my 
           store. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           59.
                         52 CONTINUED: 52
           They LAUGH, quickly becoming inseparable. 
                         
                         
          53 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - EVENING 53
                         
           A late 40s couple eat dinner: BERNIE (the big guy who 
           "broke up" with Cal earlier) and CLAIRE, a bubbly little 
           woman -- the polar opposite of her husband. 
                          
                         
                          CLAIRE
           Oh, I almost forgot -- heard some
           good gossip at the nail salon. 
                         
                          BERNIE
           For God's sake, Claire.
                         
                          CLAIRE
                          (SING-SONGY)
           It's about Cal. 
                         
                          BERNIE
           Leave the poor bastard alone,
           would you? I gave him the cologne 
           like you told me to. We don't 
           have to dance on his grave.
                         
           VOICE (O.S.)
           What did you hear about Mr.
           Weaver, Mom?
                         
                         
           PULL BACK -- JESSICA (THE BABYSITTER) SITS AT THE NEARBY
           COUNTER, EATING NEXT TO HER LITTLE BROTHER (13). 
                          
                          CLAIRE
           Apparently, Mr. Weaver has become
           quite a man-about-town if you get
           my drift.
                         
                          JESSICA
           What?
                         
                          CLAIRE
           Lots of young women coming in and 
           out of his apartment lately.
                         
                          BERNIE
           Claire, would you cut it out?
                         
                          CLAIRE
           It's good for Jess to know. She
           still baby-sits for him after all.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           60.
                         53 CONTINUED: 53
                          BERNIE
           Oh, c'mon! Enough. 
                          
                          CLAIRE
           Well, it's good gossip at the
           least. Ooh, guess what else I
           heard...
                         
           As she CONTINUES CHATTERING in the b.g., we HOLD ON
           Jessica. Thinking. 
                         
                         
          54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY 54
                         
           Jessica waits at her LOCKER. She spots a TALL BLONDE
           GIRL moving down the hallway, texting as she walks.
                          
                          JESSICA
           Madison! Madison, wait!
                         
           Madison stops walking, but not texting.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Hey, I had a question --
                         
           Madison holds up a finger ("one second") and continues
           texting. Finally, she stops. Looks up. Smiles.
                         
                          MADISON
           Hey, Jessica, whassup?
                         
                          JESSICA
           I had a question for you, Madison.
           It's kind of on the personal side
           so... 
                         
                          MADISON
           My lips are...
                         
           Madison extends her arms, begins clapping and making
           WEIRD NOISES. Jessica stares at her blankly.
                         
                          MADISON
                          (EXPLAINING)
           Seals.
                          (THEN)
           My lips are seals.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Oh, okay. So, Madison, here's the
           thing... I don't mean to be blunt
           or insulting but, let's call it
           what it is: you're always
           sleeping with older guys, right?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           61.
                         54 CONTINUED: 54
                          MADISON
                          (NODDING)
           Always.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Lots of college guys, I've heard.
                         
                          MADISON
           Lots of them.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Even rumors about a few teachers.
                         
                          MADISON
           Totally.
                         
                          JESSICA
           So my question is: how do you do
           that? I mean, how do you get them
           not to see you as... well, a kid
           in high school?
                         
                          MADISON
           Oh, well first off, I have a huge 
           rack. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           You do, yes.
                         
                          MADISON
           So that helps.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Yes, I'm sure it does.
                         
                          MADISON
           You don't have a huge rack. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           No, I don't unfortunately.
                         
                          MADISON
           So that's not gonna work.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Nope.
                         
           Madison SIGHS.
                         
                          MADISON
           Okay, here's what you do. Wait,
           how old is he?
                         
                          JESSICA
           Old.
                          (CONTINUED)
           62.
                         54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
                          MADISON
           Like really old?
                         
                          JESSICA
           Like parent old.
                         
                          MADISON
           Nasty. Rock on, Jessica.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Thank you, Madison.
                         
                          MADISON
           Alright, you have to hook him.
           Force his hand. Make him unable
           to stop himself from doing what he
           knows to be wrong.
                         
                          JESSICA
           How?
                         
                          MADISON
           Do what I do. Send him a postcard 
           from downtown. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           Huh? 
                         
                          MADISON
           Go TMZ on his ass. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           I'm not following you, Madis-- 
                         
                          MADISON 
           The full gyno. 
                         
           Off Jessica's blank look. 
                         
                          MADISON 
           A crotch shot? A nip slip? 
                          (THEN) 
           A dirty picture! You can even 
           Annie Leibowitz it. Tasteful but 
           with nipple. Yeah, that's what 
           you should do: make it artistic. 
           Black and white. Make this face. 
                         
           She makes a raw sexual face. 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           Jesus, Madison! 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           63.
                         54 CONTINUED: (3) 54
                          MADISON
           Well, you came to me for advice,
           that's my advice. You put those
           across his radar, he won't see you
           as a little girl anymore, that's
           for sure.
                         
           Madison walks off, calls back.
                         
                          MADISON
           Don't send it to him as a jpeg,
           though. He'll put it up on his
           fantasy football web-site. And 
           then your brother sees it, tells 
           your mom, and suddenly you're not 
           allowed to use Facebook for a 
           month. Thanks, Kevin! 
                         
           She leaves Jessica there, processing the advice. 
                         
          55 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER THAT DAY 55
                         
           Jessica EXITS the school, lost in thought. There's a bit
           of commotion outside. TEENAGERS are pointing and
           LAUGHING at something.
                         
           Jessica pushes through and sees: 
                         
           ROBBIE, standing atop a man-made, tall, wooden 
           platform/scaffold in front of the school.
                          
                          ROBBIE
                          (DRAMATICALLY)
           There she is!
                         
                          ON JESSICA
                         
           Oh shit.
                         
                         
           BACK TO ROBBIE
                         
           as he RIPS OPEN his button-up shirt, revealing a SCARLET 
           J taped to his pale, hairless chest. He has recreated
           the famous Scarlet Letter tableau. He pulls out a piece
           of paper, reads it.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           64.
                         55 CONTINUED: 55
                          ROBBIE
           Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The
           Scarlet Letter: `No man for any
           considerable period can wear one
           face to himself and another to the
           multitude, without finally getting
           bewildered as to which may be the
           true.'
                         
           Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I am not bewildered! Jessica
           Riley is my soulmate. She's the 
           one! I know it to be true, and so 
           now do the multitude.
                          (CORRECTING HIMSELF) 
           Multitudes?
           (then, deciding)
           No, multitude.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Robbie, get down!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I have marked myself with this
           Scarlet J, Jessica! For you.
           Because your name starts with a J.
           It's just tape and construction
           paper but one day I will get a
           permanent tattoo when I'm old
           enough that my parents won't freak
           out on me.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Robbie Weaver! I am your baby-
           sitter and I'm telling you to GET
           YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE NOW!
                         
           That does the trick. He gets down to mocking APPLAUSE.
           Jessica pulls him off to the side.
                         
                          JESSICA
                          (HEATED WHISPER)
           What the hell are you thinking?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You like the scaffold? It has
           wheels. Took four weeks to build
           it.
                          (THEN)
           Oh, those are my friends, they
           helped me wheel it down. Wave
           hello.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           65.
                         55 CONTINUED: (2) 55
           OFF TO THE SIDE: Three excited THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS WAVE
           and give THUMBS-UPS to Robbie. Jessica waves, confused,
           turns back to Robbie.
                         
                          JESSICA
           This has to stop, Robbie.
           Seriously.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You'll learn to love me. I
           promise.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I won't.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Just because I'm four years
           younger than you?
                         
                          JESSICA
           BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!
                         
           This stops Robbie dead in his tracks.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I've been spending time with him
           for a while.
                         
           Robbie stumbles, less sure-footed than usual.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           No. You can't. I've checked. No
           boyfriend since ninth grade. No
           date for Spring Formal last
                          MONTH --
                         
                          JESSICA
           He's older. I don't want my
           parents to know.
                         
           And with that, Robbie literally just sits down on the
           ground, all the wind taken out of him. It might be the
           cutest thing you've ever seen.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Who is he?
                         
                          JESSICA
           It doesn't matter.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Do I know him? Is he from town?
                         
                          JESSICA
           I don't know. Yes, kind of.
                          (CONTINUED)
           66.
                         55 CONTINUED: (3) 55
                          ROBBIE
           I'll kill him if he hurts you.
                         
           Jessica tries not to smile.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I know. But this all has to stop
           now, Robbie. The speeches, the
           texts, all of it. It's very
           sweet, but it has to stop.
                         
           He just sits there, lost.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I'll see you around, okay?
                         
           She EXITS. Robbie remains seated on the grass.
           Devastated. His three friends approach.
                          
                          ROBBIE'S FRIEND
           We should probably get the
           scaffold back on the road before
           dark.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Yeah.
                         
          56 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (NEXT DAY) 56
                         
           Robbie's on the couch, dejected. His little sister sits 
           next to him, watching High School Musical as always.
                         
           In the adjoining kitchen, Cal is on the phone.
                         
                          CAL
                          (INTO PHONE)
           Hey, Nanna! I know, it's been
           forever. Have you been getting
           out at all? I'll bring you some
           of that deli you like one night,
           okay? The kids? They're fine.
           (to other room)
           Kids, say hi to Nanna.
                         
           ROBBIE AND MOLLY
           Hi, Nanna!
                         
                          CAL
           Oh, I've been keeping busy. Made 
           a new buddy, I've been spending
           time with him. Yeah, I'm going to 
           see her tomorrow night. Of course 
           I miss her. You don't know how
           much I miss...
                          (CONTINUED)
           67.
                         56 CONTINUED: 56
           His voice cracks. He turns, sees Robbie staring. He
           heads into the bathroom with the phone, closes the door.
                         
           Robbie SIGHS, turns back to the TV.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          57 EXT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY 57
                         
           Cal and Robbie are having a catch. Robbie is listless. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           So you're seeing Mom tomorrow,
           huh? At my parent-teacher thing?
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           First time in a while.
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah, but no biggie.
                         
           Cal tosses him back the ball.
                         
                          CAL
           Hey, what's with the moping?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Nothing. It's just... there's 
           this girl.
                         
           Cal smiles.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh yeah? You like her?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I like Pringles. This girl's my 
           soulmate. I'm like crazy, stupid, 
           in love with her. And she wants 
           someone else.
                         
                          CAL
           But she's your soulmate?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Yeah.
                         
                          CAL
           Well you can't just give up.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           68.
                         57 CONTINUED: 57
                          ROBBIE
           Why not?
           (then, quietly)
           You did.
                         
           Cal freezes. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           Mom was yours, right? 
                         
                          CAL
           I didn't give up.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Listen, Dad. I love you. I have
           your back, always. But let's be
           honest here: the woman told you
           she wanted a divorce and you
           jumped out of a car.
                         
                          CAL
           It was slightly more complicated
           than that. And I'm a different
           guy now.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You're the same guy. You just
           have different clothes. Do you 
           still love her?
                         
                          CAL
           How old ARE you?
                         
                          ROBBIE
                          (STRONGLY)
           Do you still love Mom?
                         
           Cal doesn't say anything. His silence speaks volumes.
                         
                          CAL
           Weren't we talking about you? 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           We are. Your son is in desperate
           need of some romantic inspiration.
           So set an example for your boy. 
           Don't give up. It's complicated?
           Uncomplicate it. She says no?
           Change her mind. Look at you,
           you're the man right now, Dad.
           Get her back.
                          (DRAMATICALLY)
           Get back my mom.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           69.
                         57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
           Robbie punctuates his pep talk by tossing Cal the ball,
           hard.
                         
           Cal is lost in thought. The ball sails past him and
           THROUGH THE WINDOW of a nearby car.
                         
                         
          58 EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 58
                         
           PARENTS walk hand-in-hand, into the school. It's Parent- 
           Teacher conference night. 
                         
                         
          59 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEXT NIGHT 59 
                         
           Cal sits on a small chair outside a classroom. Tracy 
           approaches. 
                         
           TRACY (O.S.)
           Wow.
                         
           Cal looks up. Tracy stands there. She's dressed down,
           but looks amazing. Vulnerable and nervous.
                          
                          TRACY
                          (FLOORED)
           You look great, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh, well turns out I've been
           buying the wrong size suit for
           twenty years so...
                         
                          TRACY
           Well you look great. Really.
                         
           Cal smiles.
                         
                          CAL
           Thank you.
                          (THEN)
           You always look great, so...
                         
           Awkward. Neither knows what to say now. Tracy takes the 
           seat next to him. 
                         
                          CAL
           I talked to Nanna yesterday.
                         
                          TRACY
           Me, too. She sound okay to you? 
                         
                          CAL 
           She sounded like... Nanna. She 
           worries about us. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           70.
                         59 CONTINUED: 59
                          
           Tracy NODS. A long beat, then: 
                         
                          CAL
           I feel like I'm about to get
           detention.
                         
           Tracy LAUGHS, tension broken a bit.
                         
                          CAL
           Which teacher is this?
                         
                          TRACY
           Mrs. Thompson. This is the one
           he pulled The Scarlet Letter
           Asshole routine on.
                         
           Cal smiles.
                         
                          CAL
           He's a really weird kid, isn't he?
                         
                          TRACY
           Yeah.
                          (THEN)
           I kind of like him, though.
                         
                          CAL
           I do, too. I'm so glad we
           switched the babies at the
           hospital.
                         
                          TRACY
           Me, too.
                         
           They LAUGH. God, these two are great together when
           they're in rhythm. The laughter trickles away.
                         
           An awkward beat, then:
                         
                          CAL
           So, how are things with...
           (a beat, then)
           How's it going with David? 
                         
           She looks down. 
                         
                          TRACY
           Oh... it's not. 
                          (THEN) 
           It wasn't about him, if that means 
           anything. 
                          
                          CAL
           No, I know.
                          (CONTINUED)
           71.
                         59 CONTINUED: (2) 59
           Cal looks at his watch, a nervous gesture.
                         
                          TRACY
           You seeing anyone?
                         
                          CAL
           Who, me? No. You know me. No,
           not really.
                         
                          TRACY
           Oh. Because you hear things, you
           know.
                         
                          CAL
           Yeah, well...
                         
           Another long beat of silence. Cal gathers himself, takes
           a breath, and turns toward Tracy.
                         
                          CAL
           I miss you, T.
                         
           Tracy looks up surprised.
                         
                          CAL
           I got complacent, I think. You
           find your soulmate in high 
           school... you've got the game 
           sewed up in the first quarter, you
           know?
                         
           She smiles.
                         
                          CAL
           I put in an effort when we were
           younger, didn't I? I'd do
           anything to make you happy: take
           you miniature golfing, dancing --
           you were such a good dancer.
                         
                          TRACY
           I had to be. You were such a good
           miniature golfer.
                         
           He smiles, emboldened.
                         
                          CAL
           All I ever wanted to do was make
           you love me. And then you did,
           really early on. And we got
           married so young. And I guess...
           I got lazy. I got boring. And
           I'm furious at you for what you
           did. But I don't totally blame
           you, if that makes any sense?
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           72.
                         59 CONTINUED: (3) 59
                          CAL (CONT'D)
                          (THEN)
           I shouldn't have jumped out of the
           car. I should have fought for
           you. You fight for your soulmate.
           At least that's what our thirteen-
           year-old tells me.
                         
           Tracy's eyes well up with tears.
                         
                          TRACY
           He's a very strange boy, isn't he?
                         
                          CAL
           I'll be honest: he scares the
           shit out of me.
                         
           She LAUGHS through her tears.
                         
                          TRACY
           I missed you, too.
                         
           Cal takes her hand, kisses it.
                         
           VOICE (O.S.)
           Mr. and Mrs. Weaver?
                         
           They turn around.
                         
                         
                          AT DOORWAY
                         
           It's Robbie's English teacher, Mrs. Thompson... better
           known to us as:
                         
           KATE (the teacher from the bar who Cal slept with).
                         
           Cal freezes, his lips on Tracy's hand.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh God. 
                         
                          KATE
           Cal? What are you doing here?
                         
                          CAL
           (looking to the sky)
           Really?
                         
                          TRACY
           You two know each other?
                         
                          CAL
           Um, yes... we've met before.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           73.
                         59 CONTINUED: (4) 59
                          KATE
           We've met before? Seriously?
                          
                          CAL
           Mrs. Thompson? This is my wife.
           Tracy.
                         
                          KATE
           Oh, so now she's your WIFE again?
           HOW CONVENIENT!
                         
           Kate's getting louder now.
                         
                          CAL
           Why don't we head inside?
                         
                          KATE
           YES, WHY DON'T WE!?
                         
           She STORMS INSIDE. Tracy looks at Cal, follows her in.
                         
          60 INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 60
                         
           Kate PACES in front of the classroom.
                         
                          TRACY
           I'm sorry, I'm playing catch-up:
           how do you two know each other?
                         
                          KATE
           Maybe your husband should tell
           you.
                         
           Cal hesitates.
                          CAL
           We have a mutual friend.
                         
                          KATE
           Ha!
                          
                          CAL
           You know, maybe we should focus on
           Robbie?
                         
                          KATE
           Yes, let's do that. Let's focus
           on Robbie.
                         
           Kate goes to her blackboard.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           74.
                         60 CONTINUED: 60
                          KATE
           As you know, Robbie's shining
           moment this year was when he set a
           school record for cursing in an
           eighth grade English class.
                         
           She writes on the board: ASSHOLE. She underlines it. 
                         
                          KATE
           Asshole. Are you familiar with
           this word, Mrs. Weaver?
                         
                          CAL
           She's heard it, yes. So in terms
           of Robbie's progress --
                         
                          KATE
           Asshole: as in, someone who tells
           a woman that he'll call, and never
           does.
                         
                          CAL
           We were a little concerned about
           Robbie's grade on his oral book
                          REPORT --
                         
                          KATE
           Asshole: as in, someone who uses
           `honesty' to get a woman into bed
           with him, but is actually full of
           shit like the rest of them.
                         
                          CAL
           Because usually he's a very strong
           public speaker --
                         
                          KATE
           Asshole: as in, someone who
           allows a woman to go down on him
           for forty-five minutes because
           he's `nervous' --
                         
                          CAL
           OKAY! ENOUGH!!!
                         
           Kate stops. Cal turns to Tracy. She looks crestfallen.
                         
                          CAL
           I can explain.
                         
           Tracy rushes out of the room. Cal calls after her.
                         
                          CAL
           She's an alcoholic! You can't
           trust what she says!
                          (CONTINUED)
           75.
                         60 CONTINUED: (2) 60
           KATE SCREAMS in horror. Cal races after Tracy. Kate
           races after Cal.
                         
                         
          61 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
                         
           A three-way chase:
                         
                          CAL
           Tracy, wait!
                         
                          TRACY
           Leave me alone, Cal!
                         
                          KATE
           I'm sober for FIVE YEARS, you
           ASSHOLE!
                         
                         
                          ON SPECTATORS
                         
           TEACHERS and PARENTS (including Jessica's parents),
           stepping out into the hallway and following them outside.
                         
          62 EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS ACTION 62
                         
           Tracy races to her car.
                         
                          CAL
           Tracy, c'mon! We were separated.
                         
                          TRACY
           (fumbling for keys)
           I know, and I cheated, so it
           doesn't make any sense for me to
           be mad at you.
                         
                          CAL
           Okay, so --
                         
                          TRACY
           I can't do this now, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           Tracy, I love you.
                         
                          KATE
           Tell her she's the perfect
           combination of sexy and cute,
           ASSHOLE!
                         
           Tracy looks at Cal, stunned. That's their thing.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           76.
                         62 CONTINUED: 62
                          CAL 
           It's a funny story, actually --
                         
                          TRACY
           I'm going home.
                         
           She opens the car door.
                         
                          CAL
           Tracy, wait! Yes, I slept with
           her! I slept with our son's
           eighth grade teacher!
                         
           GASPS from the crowd. Claire (Jessica's Mom) takes a
           picture with her cell phone.
                         
                          CAL
           But all it did was confirm what I
           already knew: THAT I LOVE, YOU!
           I LOVE YOU!!!
           Tracy hesitates. Cal seizes the moment.
                         
                          CAL
           Before, you were the only woman
           I'd ever been with or wanted to be
           with. And now, even after I've
           been with eleven women, you're
           STILL...
                         
           He instantly trails off, realizing. MORE GASPS.
                         
                          CAL
                          (MEEKLY COMPLETING)
           ... the only woman I want to be
           with.
                          TRACY
           I don't even know who you are.
                         
           Tracy gets in her car and speeds off.
                         
                          CAL
           (weakly, to himself)
           I'm your soulmate.
                         
           Cal turns around to the crowd, only to be met... 
                         
           By a SLAP ACROSS the face by Kate. She STORMS OFF. 
                         
                          CAL
           HE DESERVED AN `A' ON THAT BOOK
           REPORT AND YOU KNOW IT!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           77.
                         62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
           THUNDER CRACKS in the sky. It begins to pour. Cal
           stands there, soaked. He looks up at the sky.
                         
                          CAL
           REALLY!!!???
                         
                         
          63 EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY 63
                         
           Meanwhile, the rain pours down as DINERS scurry into the 
           restaurant.
                         
                         
          64 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 64
                         
           We've been here before... the same group of BORING PEOPLE
           at the same table. Liz and Hannah CHAT off to the side.
                         
           There's a cake on the table that says "CONGRATS HANNAH!"
                         
           Richard stands on a chair.
                         
                          RICHARD
           Excuse me, everyone. Everyone!?
                         
           The room goes quiet.
                         
                          RICHARD
           Now, if we could get our guest of
           honor over here... I forget what
           she looks like, anyone remember? 
                         
           POLITE LAUGHS. Liz GAGS herself with her finger, looks
           at Hannah. Hannah takes a deep breath, downs her drink,
           and walks over to Richard. Is this it?
                         
                          RICHARD
           I'm so proud of you, baby. I had
           my doubts, of course...
                         
           More CHEESY LAUGHTER.
                         
                          RICHARD
           Now I did tell you that it'd be a
           special night when you passed the
           bar. And I'm a lawyer so you know
           I never lie...
                         
           More HECKLING from the crowd. Liz desperately orders
           another drink, barely able to take it.
                         
                          RICHARD
           So, Hannah, I'd like to formally
           ask you, in front of all our
           friends and colleagues...
                          (CONTINUED)
           78.
                         64 CONTINUED: 64
           Hannah waits, frozen.
                         
                          RICHARD
           ... if you'd like to become a
           permanent lawyer at the firm of
           Watkins, Goldberg, and Schmidt!?
                         
           CHEERS. Hannah steps back, breathless. Richard reacts.
                         
                          RICHARD
           You don't have a better offer
           already, do you?
                         
           Everyone LAUGHS.
                         
                          HANNAH
           No, that's great. I just...
           (then, privately)
           I'm sorry, I thought... I thought
           you were about to propose.
                         
           The room goes quiet, trying to hear.
                         
                          RICHARD
           What?
                         
                          HANNAH
           No, I just... it's fine. I'm
           sorry, I just got thrown is all.
                         
           Richard pulls Hannah off to the side.
                         
                          RICHARD
           Honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't
           realize.
                         
                          HANNAH
           No, no, don't be silly, it's fine.
                          
                          RICHARD
           It's definitely a possibility,
           down the road. I think I just
           need a little more time. I'm
           still figuring out how I feel
           about us, you know: long-term.
                         
                          HANNAH
           No, I know...
                          (THEN)
           Wait -- you're figuring out how
           you feel about us?
           She LAUGHS. Once. Then twice. Loudly. Everyone's now
           watching. Liz gets a good seat, excited.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           79.
                         64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
                          RICHARD
           Honey?
                         
           She's really laughing now.
                         
                          HANNAH
           You know what the best part is: I
           would have said yes! To YOU! And
           I didn't even want you to propose!
           Just now, I swear to God: I was
           hoping you wouldn't propose. And
           I still would have said YES!
           That's how pathetic I am!
                         
           She snags someone else's drink from the table, DOWNS IT.
           She grabs Richard's cheeks.
                         
                          HANNAH
           I will consider your job offer,
           thank you so much, Richard.
                         
           Hysterically LAUGHING, she walks away. As she passes,
           Liz sticks out her hand and they slap five.
                         
          65 INT. BAR 65
                         
           Meanwhile, Jacob sits alone in the bar. He checks his
           watch. No Cal.
                         
           Suddenly, he looks very alone at his usual table.
                         
           He shakes it off, stands, and approaches the table of a
           group of nearby WOMEN.
                         
           ON THE WOMEN
                         
           One of them is telling a story:
                         
                          WOMAN
           And you know what she said?
                         
           JACOB (O.S.)
           What? What did she say?
                         
           The women look up.
                         
                         
                          ON JACOB
                         
           Standing there, in all his glory. He flashes his coolest
           smile. They melt. We've seen this before.
                          
           SLAM! The door to the bar busts open, revealing:
                          (CONTINUED)
           80.
                         65 CONTINUED: 65
           HANNAH.
                         
           She's dripping wet from the rain, looking almost wild.
                         
           She scans the room, quickly, searching for...
                         
           JACOB.
                         
           She spots him, marches straight to him.
                         
           For the first time, he looks like a deer in the 
           headlights.
                         
           She grabs him. Kisses him. A long, deep, almost angry
           kiss. She pulls back.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Do you remember me?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Do you still think I'm attractive?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Do you still want to take me home?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
           Hannah NODS, takes his hand.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Let's go.
                         
           She leads him out of the bar. We STAY WITH the WOMEN
           Jacob had just been introducing himself to.
                         
                          WOMAN #1
           Slut.
                          
          66 INT. JACOB'S APARTMENT - LATER 66
                         
           We haven't been here yet. It's exactly what you'd expect
           though: an elegant bachelor-pad. Modern furniture.
           Sleek. Everything just right. Jacob puts an album on 
           his record player.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           81.
                         66 CONTINUED: 66
                          HANNAH
           This place looks like something
           out of a men's magazine.
                         
                          JACOB
           Is that a compliment?
                         
                          HANNAH
           I'm not sure.
                         
           Music starts playing: "As Tears Go By" by the Stones.
                         
                          HANNAH
           I like this song.
                         
                          JACOB
           I thought you would.
                          (THEN)
           Drink?
                         
                          HANNAH
           Yes, please.
                         
           Jacob pours two nice glasses of SCOTCH, neat. Brings
           them (and the bottle) over towards the couch.
                         
           He pats the couch. Hannah nods, walks over, sits down.
                         
                          JACOB
           Cheers.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Cheers.
                         
           They CLINK. Jacob takes a sip. Hannah downs hers. She 
           holds out her glass for a refill.
                         
           Jacob raises a brow, pours her another. This time she
           HOLDS HER NOSE as she downs it. As soon as she finishes
           choking...
                         
                          HANNAH
           So is this how it normally works?
                         
                          JACOB
           What?
                         
                          HANNAH
           How you woo a woman? You take
           them back to your granite-
           countered bachelor pad, put on the
           perfect song, and make them a
           drink?
                          
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           82.
                         66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
                          JACOB
           Yes. That's how it normally
           works.
                         
           Hannah NODS, grabs the bottle, takes a swig.
                         
                          HANNAH
           And then you sleep with them?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
                          HANNAH
           So that's what happens next? We
           sleep together?
                         
                          JACOB
           At some point, yes, I was under
           the impression that was your plan.
                         
           She takes a deep breath, admits:
                         
                          HANNAH
           I'm very nervous.
                         
                          JACOB
           I'm getting that.
                         
                          HANNAH
           I know at the bar I seemed
           confident, but I was more just
           soaking wet and cold and trying to
           be dramatic.
                         
           Jacob LAUGHS. He actually LAUGHS.
                         
                          JACOB
           You're adorable.
                         
           Hannah SNAPS, already tipsy.
                         
                          HANNAH
           No! Not adorable! Sexy! R-rated
           sexy! Because I know what happens
           next in the PG-13 version of
           tonight: I get really drunk, and
           I pass out, and you cover me with
           a blanket, and kiss my forehead,
           and nothing happens... but that's
           not why I'm here!
                          (THEN)
           I'm here to bang the hot guy from
           the bar who hit on me.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           83.
                         66 CONTINUED: (3) 66
                          JACOB
           I don't think people say `bang'
           anymore.
                         
                          HANNAH
           I do. We're going to bang. I'm
           finally going to do something
           exciting and dangerous and Liz can
           blow me!
                         
           Hannah shakes her hands out, pumping herself up.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Okay, okay, this is happening.
                          (THEN)
           Take off your shirt.
                         
                          JACOB
           What?
                         
                          HANNAH
           I need to stop thinking. Take off
           your shirt.
                         
           Jacob SHRUGS, stands, unbuttons his shirt and takes it
           off. He's ripped.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Holy crap.
                         
           She pokes a finger at his abs.
                         
                          HANNAH
           It's like you're photo-shopped.
                         
                          JACOB
           Now take off yours.
                         
                          HANNAH
           No way! Not with all that
           happening...
                         
           She motions casually at his abs.
                         
                          HANNAH
           So... do you prefer to do it here
           or in the bedroom?
                         
                          JACOB
                          (AMUSED)
           In the bedroom is preferable.
                         
           Hannah stands, a girl on a mission.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           84.
                         66 CONTINUED: (4) 66
                          HANNAH
           Good. Let's go there.
                          
                         
          67 INT. BAR 67
                         
           Meanwhile Cal, beaten up and soaking wet from the rain,
           ENTERS. He looks to his usual table, in need of a
           friend's company.
                         
           But Jacob isn't there.
                         
           CUT BACK TO:
                         
                         
          68 INT. JACOB'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 68
                         
           Hannah lies on her back in the dim light. Jacob is on
           top of her, shirtless. They're making out, gently.
                          
                          HANNAH
                          (TIPSY)
           This pillow is amazing. It forms
           perfectly to the shape of my head.
                         
                          JACOB
           I'm glad you like it.
                         
           They resume kissing. After a beat, she pulls back again.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Wait, are these those foam pillows
           from Brookstone?
                         
           Off his look...
                         
                          HANNAH
           They are, aren't they!? I always
           wondered who actually buys them!
           You do! The hot guy from the bar
           buys them! Of course!
                         
           She shakes her head, amazed. Gathers herself.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Sorry, let's proceed.
                         
           Jacob smiles, goes to kiss her... she pulls back again.
                         
                          HANNAH
           You don't have one of those
           ridiculous massage chairs, do you?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           85.
                         68 CONTINUED: 68
                          JACOB
                          (LYING)
           No.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Oh. My. God! You totally do!
                          
                          JACOB
                          (ADMITTING)
           I do.
                         
           She STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. It's infectious.
                         
                          HANNAH
           How much did it cost?
                         
                          JACOB
           Five thousand doll-- 
                         
           That DOUBLES HER OVER, hysterical. Jacob starts laughing
           with her... really laughing. We can tell: this is
           different for him. He likes her.
                         
           We watch him as he realizes that. As he processes it.
           We watch him look at Hannah.
                         
                         
                          ON HANNAH
                         
           Hair in her face: drunk, laughing, completely amazing.
           And then... Jacob does the most unexpected thing:
                         
                          JACOB
           Do me a favor. Ask me a question
           about myself.
                         
                          HANNAH
           What? No! I don't want to know
           anything about you.
                         
                          JACOB
           C'mon, one question.
                          
                          HANNAH
           Okay, fine, but then we bang.
                         
                          JACOB
           Absolutely. Now, come on, I'll
           answer anything. You can ask me
           about my job, or past
                          GIRLFRIENDS -- 
                         
                          HANNAH
           What's your mom like?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           86.
                         68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
           The question takes him by surprise. He hesitates, then:
                         
                          JACOB
           Icy... I guess? Not cruel, but
           cold. Very cold.
                         
                          HANNAH
           And your father?
                         
                          JACOB
           He died, long time ago. Left us a
           lot of money, which is how I
           have...
                         
           He motions at his PILLOW.
                         
                          JACOB
           Stuff like this.
                         
           She motions at his abs.
                         
                          HANNAH
           And time for stuff like that?
                         
           He LAUGHS.
                         
                          JACOB
           My dad was the opposite of my mom,
           actually...
                         
           We PULL BACK as they continue chatting.
                         
           TIME PASSES, as one question leads to another, and then
           another.
                         
           Body language shifts.
                         
           -- Soon they're sitting in bed, sharing the Scotch from
           the bottle, just talking. Then kissing. Then lying on
           their sides, face-to-face, talking some more.
                         
           -- Until finally: it's Jacob who passes out. And it's
                         
           Hannah who covers him with a blanket, and kisses him on
           the forehead, and begins falling in love with him.
                         
           CUE MUSIC as we begin a... 
                         
                         
           MONTAGE. IN ONE CONTINUOUS DOLLY MOVE WE HEAD, FIRST, 
           TO... 
           87.
                         
                         
          69 INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING 69 
                         
           Hannah looks longingly at Jacob's plate of pancakes. 
                         
           He notices, switches plates. 
                         
           She smiles. He smiles. God, he's crazy about her. 
                         
           He looks at the next table, watches a LOVELORN GUY switch 
           plates with his GIRLFRIEND. 
                         
           Uh-oh. 
                         
                         
          70 INT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 70 
                         
           DOLLY DOWN the row, HANDS are held between COUPLES, all 
           entranced by the movie, until we REVEAL: 
                         
                         
                          JACOB 
                         
           staring down at his hand, locked with Hannah's. He looks 
           terrified. 
                         
          71 INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM - EVENING 71 
                         
           Now it's Hannah who's asleep in bed, and Jacob who stares 
           at her lovingly. Suddenly, he catches himself. 
                         
           In a series of COMEDIC JUMP-CUTS, he wrestles with the 
           implications of what's happening to him. 
                         
           -- Pacing. A drink. A big drink. Fingers pulling at 
           his own hair. Hyperventilating. More staring. More 
           pacing. 
                         
                          CUT TO: 
                         
                         
          71A INT. HANNAH'S BEDROOM 71A 
                         
           And finally, he loses the battle: he tucks Hannah under 
           a blanket, kisses her forehead, and finally... 
                         
           Gives in to falling in love with her. 
                         
                          CUT TO: 
                         
                         
          72 INT. BAR - EVENING 72 
                         
           Cal is sitting at the table that once belonged to Jacob. 
           He suddenly seems very alone. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           88.
                         72 CONTINUED: 72
           He looks towards the bar, notices that same SAD SACK 
           MIDDLE-AGED GUY. Also alone. He picks up his cell. 
                         
                         
          73 INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73 
                         
           Tracy sits at a table, FLOWERS off to the side. Her 
           phone rings. She looks at it, sees it's "Cal." She hits 
           IGNORE. 
                         
           PULL BACK to reveal DAVID JACOBWITZ, across from her. He 
           looks at Tracy and smiles. She smiles back weakly. 
                         
                         
          74 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER 74 
                         
           The awkward end of a first date. David walks Tracy to 
           the front door. She's carrying those same flowers. 
                         
           Awkward beat. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           I had fun tonight, Tracy. And I 
           was wondering if -- 
                         
                          TRACY 
           David, stop. Look, I had a nice 
           time, which is a substantial 
           upgrade from the rest of the... 
           times I've been having lately. 
           So, I don't think I'm ready to 
           start dating but my ex clearly is 
           and there's a yogurt shop where 
           they make this eight calorie ice 
           cream that tastes like a laxative, 
           so if you'd like to take me there 
           sometime I guess I wouldn't say 
           no. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           Wow. You know, that's exactly 
           what I was thinking. It's almost 
           uncanny. 
                         
           They LAUGH. This is the moment. Romantic chemistry. 
           Are they going to kiss? Holy cow. And then... 
                         
           THE DOOR OPENS. Jessica stands there. 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           Hello. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Oh, Jessica. Hi. Sorry. 
           Jessica, this is my work-friend. 
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           89.
                         74 CONTINUED: 74
                          TRACY (CONT'D)
           He's an accountant named David. 
           David, this is my baby-sitter, 
           Jessica. Okay, David, well 
           everything sounds great. 
           Spreadsheets. 
                         
           David smiles knowingly. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           I'll see you at work. 
                         
           He EXITS. Tracy stands there with Jessica, awkward. 
                         
                         
           INSIDE THE DOOR 
                         
           Robbie sneaks down the stairs. From a kneeling position, 
           he can hear and see everything. 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           So... How was dinner? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           It was just for work. 
                         
                          JESSICA 
                          (POINTEDLY) 
           It's a pretty dress. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Oh, thanks. 
                         
           Tracy reaches for her purse, awkwardly. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           So how much do I owe yo-- 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           Did you know your kids are the 
           only ones I baby-sit for who 
           always want to stay awake so they 
           can see their dad when he gets 
           home. I mean, they fight with 
           everything they have to keep their 
           eyes open so they can hear what 
           Dad had for dinner, or how he 
           liked the movie. Lot of kids want 
           to stay awake for Mom -- and your 
           kids always want to see you, don't 
           get me wrong -- but not a lot wait 
           up for Dad. Maybe it's because 
           he's good, and he's kind, and he's 
           decent. 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           90.
                         74 CONTINUED: (2) 74
                          TRACY 
           What are you talking abo-- 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           Batshit crazy. 
                         
           She walks out the door. Tracy looks confused. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Jessica? 
                         
           Jessica turns, explodes? 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           I DON'T WANT YOUR SLUTTY MONEY! 
                         
           She storms off. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Jessica! 
                         
           But she's gone. Tracy SIGHS ("what the hell was that") 
           and CLOSES the door. 
                         
          75 INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75 
                         
           Tracy locks the door and leans against it... processing 
           what Jessica just said about Cal. 
                         
           She puts the FLOWERS down on the table, and heads into 
           the kitchen. 
                         
                         
                          ON ROBBIE 
           at top of the stairs, regarding the flowers. 
                         
                         
          76 EXT. STREET - LATER 76 
                         
           CUE MUSIC. Robbie rides his bike down the street. He's 
           got Tracy's FLOWERS nestled in his handlebars. 
                         
                         
          77 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER 77 
                         
           Jessica ENTERS in a huff, goes right toward a drawer in 
           her dresser. She pulls out a CAMERA. 
                         
                         
           IN QUICK CUTS 
                         
           we watch as she: Sets it on her dresser. Hits the 
           timer. Steps back. Drops her clothes to the floor. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           91.
                         77 CONTINUED: 77
           Prints a PHOTO from her camera. And places it in an 
                          ENVELOPE READING: 
                         
           "Cal Weaver." With a heart. She stares at the envelope 
           for a beat. 
                         
           Just then: HER DOORBELL RINGS. 
                         
           Jessica jumps, started. She quickly puts the envelope in 
           a drawer and heads for the door. 
                         
                         
          78 INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 78 
                         
           She opens the front door. Sitting on her stoop: 
                         
           The same flowers that David Jacobowitz gave Tracy sit out 
           front. She looks at the note. It reads: "Just give me 
           a chance, love David J" but the "David J." has been 
           crossed out and replaced with "Robbie." 
                         
           She shakes her head, takes the flowers, closes the door. 
                         
          79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD - LATE EVENING 79 
                         
           MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their 
           windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly 
           watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen. 
                         
           We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover: 
                         
           Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He 
           fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night. 
                         
           TRACY (O.S.) 
           Kids! Ice cream! 
                         
           Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out 
           ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race 
           down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing. 
                         
           We take in the real-time TABLEAU: 
                         
           Cal's wife and children -- his family -- inside. Cal: 
           watching them from the outside, looking in. 
                         
           It's touching. It's complicated. It's horribly painful. 
                         
           INSIDE... Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something. 
           She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS 
           her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious. 
                         
           OUTSIDE... Cal's phone rings. He jumps to silence it. 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           92.
                         79 CONTINUED: 79
                          CAL 
           Hello? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Hi, Cal. 
                         
           Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           So... I'm in the basement. I'm 
           trying to get the water heater 
           working `cause the pilot's out and 
           I don't know how to relight it. 
                         
           Obviously Cal sees she's not in the basement. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I'm sorry to bother you, I just... 
           what do I do? 
                         
           Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then: 
                         
                          CAL 
           It's fine, it's fine. I'm glad 
           you called. Here: I'll walk you 
           through it. 
                          (THEN) 
           Do you see the little grey door? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Yeah. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Pull it down. 
                         
           She pantomimes this in the kitchen. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Okay, it's down. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Now, you see the red button? I 
           wrote `push' on it? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I got it. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Push. Now turn that to the right 
           and stick the match in. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Oh, there it goes! 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           93.
                         79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
                          CAL 
           Good. Now just close the door and 
           you're good to go. 
                         
           Silence. The charade is over. Now what? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Well, thanks, Cal. I... 
           appreciate your help. 
                         
                          CAL 
           No, anytime. Call anytime with 
           stuff like that. 
                          (AWKWARD BEAT) 
           Talk to you later? 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Yeah. And... thanks again. 
                         
           Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife 
           as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him. 
                         
          80 INT. CAL'S CORPORATE APARTMENT - MORNING 80
                         
           Cal sits on his little couch, between Robbie and Molly.
           Molly is once again absorbed in High School Musical.
                         
           Cal looks depressed. Robbie doesn't look much better. 
                         
                          CAL
           Nanna's coming over tonight. You
           guys haven't seen her in a while.
           Wanna stay for dinner?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Sure.
                         
                          CAL
           Your mom's working till five, 
           we'll have to tell her.
           (off their silence) 
           What do you guys want to do today?
                         
                          MOLLY
           (not looking up)
           High School Musical.
                         
                          CAL
           Well, there's a shocker.
                         
           She goes back into her trance.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           She still won't talk to you?
                          (CONTINUED)
           94.
                         80 CONTINUED: 80
                          CAL
           Not if that show's on.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           No, I mean, Mom.
                         
                          CAL
           Oh, no. Just hellos and goodbyes
           when we pass you guys off.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           What happened?
                         
                          CAL
           Beyond your pay-grade, buddy.
                         
           Cal looks pained.
                         
                          CAL
           I will say this though: I got
           close. We were laughing. Talking
           about old times, all the things we
           used to do...
                         
           His eyes drift to the TV. It's the timeless GOLF SCENE 
           from High School Musical II. A LIGHT BULB goes on. 
                         
                          CAL
                          (TO ROBBIE) 
           Hey. Get your coat.
                         
           Robbie smiles, runs off. Cal turns to Molly, REMOTE in
           hand.
                         
                          CAL
           Baby? I'm gonna have to turn off
           the show.
                         
                          MOLLY
           No!
                         
                          CAL
           I have to --
                         
                          MOLLY
           NOOOO!
                         
                          CAL
           I'm turning it off --
                         
                          MOLLY
           NOOOOOOOOOOO!
                         
           He just does it! He turns the TV off. Silence. Molly
           turns towards him, stares. A long, scary, beat. Then:
                          (CONTINUED)
           95.
                         80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
                          MOLLY
           (free at last)
           Thank you.
                         
           Cal KISSES her, jumps up from the couch.
                         
                         
          81 INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE - LATER 81
                         
           Cal talks to a SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly bounce around,
           excited.
                         
                         
          82 INT. PARTY SUPPLY STORE - LATER 82
                         
           Cal talks to a different SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly
           extend a MEASURING TAPE across the ground, assisting.
                         
          83 EXT. U-HAUL CENTER - CONTINUOUS ACTION 83
                         
           Cal rents a TRUCK.
                         
                         
          84 INT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84 
                         
           Cal picks up materials. As he rounds a corner, he runs 
           into... BERNIE. 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           Oh, hey, Cal. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Bernie. 
                         
                          BERNIE 
           So how've you -- 
                         
                          CAL 
           Bernie: I'd love to catch up, but 
           I'm doing something at the old 
           house tonight and I'm in a bit of 
           a rush so... yeah. Thanks again 
           for the cologne. 
                         
           Cal takes off. 
                         
                         
          85 EXT. HOME DEPOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 85
                         
           Molly points out her three favorite DAY LABORERS, Cal
           hires them.
           96.
                         
                         
          86 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 86 
                         
           Some kind of construction is going on back there. 
                         
           Cal's cell phone RINGS. We go -- 
                         
                         
          86A SPLIT SCREEN 86A 
                         
           with JACOB on his. He's waiting outside a LIQUOR STORE
           in his car.
                         
                          CAL 
           Hello?
                         
                          JACOB 
           Hey, Cal. 
                         
                          CAL
           Oh. My. God. It's alive.
                          
                          JACOB
           I'm sorry. I know I've been out 
           of circulation. 
                         
                          CAL 
           You abandoned me at my time of 
           need. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           I've been a little... things have 
           gotten a bit... I met a woman. 
                         
                          CAL
           I bet you did.
                         
                          JACOB
           No, I mean, I've been spending a
           lot of time with her. This woman.
           One woman.
                         
                          CAL
                          (DISBELIEVING)
           Okay, whatever.
                          
                          JACOB
           Actually, tonight... I'm going to 
           meet her mother. 
                         
                          CAL
                          (LAUGHING)
           Whoa!!!! Look at you! You do
           realize you might actually have to
           answer a question or two about
           yourself?
                          (CONTINUED)
           97.
          86A CONTINUED: 86A
                          JACOB
           Yes, I realize that, asshole.
                         
           Hannah comes out of the wine store, hops over the car.
           Jacob can't help but smile: wow, he's REALLY into her.
                         
                          JACOB
           Gotta go. Grab a beer next week?
                         
                          CAL
           You've got my number.
                          (THEN)
           Hey. Good for you, by the way.
                         
                          JACOB
           Thanks. 
                         
           Cal HANGS up, LAUGHS to himself, and gets back to work. 
                          
          87 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT 87 
                         
           Tracy pulls up to her house. As she pulls in she notices 
           Robbie. He's standing outside the front door in a 
           tuxedo... a shit-eating grin on his face. 
                         
           She SIGHS ("what now?") and parks the car.
                         
                         
          88 INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM 88 
                         
           Meanwhile. Claire is putting away laundry. She throws 
           some underwear in Jessica's bottom drawer.
                         
           Notices something. An envelope. It's addressed to Cal
           Weaver. Curiosity piqued, she picks it up. Looks
           inside. Almost faints.
                         
                         
          89 INT. CLAIRE AND BERNIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 89
                         
           Big Bernie sits in a recliner, watching football and 
           drinking a cold one. Jessica lies on the floor, doing 
           homework.
                         
           Claire ENTERS, ashen. Zombie-like, she hands Bernie the
           envelope. Jessica looks up, sees it. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           No!!!!
                         
           She jumps, but it's too late.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           98.
                         89 CONTINUED: 89
                          ON BERNIE
                         
           Staring at the picture. We don't see it, but we get the
           point: it's a father's worst nightmare.
                         
           Bernie, dazed, slides the pictures back into the
           envelope. He looks at the envelope again.
                         
                         
                          ON ENVELOPE
                         
           Cal's name. A heart. 
                         
                         
           BACK TO SCENE
                         
                          JESSICA
           Daddy?
                         
           Bernie puts a hand up. He can't speak. He marches out
           the door. From inside we hear a car SCREECH AWAY.
                         
                         
                          ON JESSICA
                         
           Realizing. She grabs a second set of keys. 
                         
          90 EXT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 90
                         
           Jessica runs into a second car. Races after her father.
                          
                         
          91 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE 91 
                         
           Meanwhile. Tracy approaches Robbie. Not only is he 
           wearing a tuxedo, he's carrying a bunch of SCARVES. 
           Tracy LAUGHS.
                         
                          TRACY
           Baby! What are you wearing!?
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           Dad's here. 
                         
           Tracy's face drops. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I have to blindfold you.
                          
                          TRACY
                          (WEARY)
           What is this? What is he doing?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           99.
                         91 CONTINUED: 91
                          ROBBIE
           Relax, Mom. He's your husband,
           not Al Queda. You'll make it out
           alive.
                         
           She can't help but smile. She kneels down, allowing
           Robbie to BLINDFOLD HER from behind.
                         
           He ties a SCARF around her eyes. Then ANOTHER at a
           different angle, double-knots it. Then ANOTHER! 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Okay, we're good, let's do this.
                         
                         
          92 INT. BERNIE'S CAR 92
                         
           Meanwhile. There's no expression on Bernie's face. It's
           frightening. He looks down at passenger seat. At the
           ENVELOPE bearing Cal's address.
                         
           He RACES through a light. A HORN blares behind him.
                         
          93 INT. JESSICA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
                         
           Jessica is the one BLARING THE HORN, crying and panicked.
                         
           She too RACES through the same light.
                          
                         
          94 EXT. WEAVER BACKYARD 94 
                         
           Robbie leads a blindfolded Tracy into the backyard. She 
           looks like a zombie with all the scarves over her face.
           We see what she is not yet privy to.
                         
                         
           ON THE BACKYARD 
                         
           Cal's Shangri-La has been transformed: the yard holds a 
           FULL-BLOWN MINIATURE GOLF HOLE, windmill and all.
                          
           Cal stands behind it all, in a tux.
                         
                          CAL
           Hi, T.
                         
                          TRACY
           Can I take these off, please?
                         
                          CAL
           Almost. Kids? 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           100.
                         94 CONTINUED: 94
           Robbie CUES music (which will play throughout this 
           scene). Molly, in a PARTY DRESS, carries a glass of 
           champagne to Tracy and puts it in her hand. 
                         
                          CAL 
                          (LAUNCHING IN) 
           Twenty-five years ago, Cal Weaver 
           saw Tracy Boyle for the first 
           time, walking the halls of 
           Woodside Middle School -- 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Cal: are you seriously doing this 
           in front of the kids? 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
                          (QUICKLY) 
           If it goes bad I'm supposed to 
           take Molly upstairs and put the TV 
           on loud. 
                         
           Tracy SIGHS, giving up. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Well, might as well wait for your 
           daughter. 
                         
                          CAL 
           She's right next to you, T. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           No, your other daughter. 
                         
           Huh? Just then: 
                         
           VOICE (O.S.) 
           Hello? 
                         
           From inside the house steps out... 
                         
           HANNAH.
                         
                          CAL
           Nanna!
                         
                          HANNAH
           Hi, Daddy.
                         
           WTF! And right behind her... JACOB. Holding a bottle of 
           wine and smiling like an idiot. Everyone freezes.
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           101.
                         94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
                          CAL
           What the hell are you doing here?
                         
                          JACOB
           What the hell are you doing here?
                         
                          HANNAH
           Wait, you two know each other?
                         
                          TRACY
                          (STILL BLIND)
           Hi, Nanna. 
                         
                          CAL
           Wait, what's going on?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Hey, Nanna.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Hey, Robbie.
                         
                          MOLLY
           Hey, Nanna.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Hey, cutie.
                         
                          JACOB
           WHAT THE HELL IS A NANNA!?
                         
                          HANNAH
           It's me, I couldn't pronounce
           Hannah when I was little -- wait,
           so how do you know my dad?
                         
                          JACOB
                          (REALIZING)
           Oh, God. 
                         
                          CAL
                          (FREAKING)
           I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING
           ON HERE!
                         
                          HANNAH
           Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jacob.
                         
                          CAL
           No. No. No. No.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           102.
                         94 CONTINUED: (3) 94
                          TRACY
           I want to see the boyfriend!
                          (STRUGGLING WITH
                          SCARVES)
           Can someone please take this off?
                         
                          JACOB
           HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A 24-YEAR- 
           OLD DAUGHTER!?
                         
                          CAL
           I WAS SEVENTEEN! SHE WAS OUR 
           SENIOR YEAR HICCUP! IT'S WHY WE
           GOT MARRIED SO YOUNG!
                         
                          JACOB
           WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT?
                         
                          CAL
           YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT MY
           CHILDREN!
                          
                          HANNAH
           So you two, like, really know each
           other?
                         
                          CAL
           No way -- you and her... no way.
           End it, now.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Daddy!!!
                         
                          JACOB
           Well, that's not going to happen.
                          CAL
           Well, then I'm going to murder
           you.
                         
                          HANNAH
           DAD!
                         
                          TRACY
           (down to two scarves)
           Will someone please take this
           goddamn thing off me!
                          
                          CAL
           Robbie, take the goddamn thing off
           your mother!
           (then, looking up) 
           Bernie?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           103.
                         94 CONTINUED: (4) 94
           SLAM! A body flies into Cal and knocks him OUT OF FRAME. 
           It's Bernie! Behind him... 
                         
           JESSICA runs after her father, SCREAMING: 
                         
                          JESSICA 
           Daddy, no!
                          
                          ROBBIE
           Is that Jessica?
                         
           BAM! Bernie lands a solid right into Cal's jaw. 
                         
                          HANNAH
           Daddy!
                         
                          JESSICA
           Daddy!
                         
                          TRACY
                          (YANKING ON
                          BLINDFOLD)
           What's happening?
                         
           Bernie is pummeling Cal.
                         
                          BERNIE
           I LET HER BABY-SIT FOR YOU, YOU
           SICK SON OF A BITCH! SHE'S 
           SEVENTEEN!
                         
           Jacob dives in. Tries to pull Bernie off. Bernie NAILS
           Jacob with an UPPERCUT!
                         
                          HANNAH
           Jacob!
                          
                          CAL
                          (GETTING PUMMELLED)
           Bernie, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
           TALKING ABOUT!
                         
           Bernie picks up a WINDMILL from the miniature GOLF
           COURSE, readies to bash it over Cal's head. Jessica
           throws herself on Cal.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Daddy, stop!
                         
           This breaks Bernie's trance. He hesitates.
                         
                          JESSICA
           He didn't do anything. He doesn't
           even know.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           104.
                         94 CONTINUED: (5) 94
                          ROBBIE
           Know what?
                         
                          CAL
           Know what?
                         
                          TRACY
                          (STILL BLINDFOLDED)
           Robbie, please get this off me!
                         
                          ROBBIE
           (struggling with it)
           I'm TRYING!
                         
                          JESSICA
           He doesn't even know that I'm in
           love with him!
                         
           Robbie stops, turns.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           With who?
                         
                          JESSICA
           (pointing at Cal)
           With him.
                         
                          CAL
           Are you pointing at me?
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Are you pointing at him?
                         
                          TRACY
           Who is she pointing at!?
                         
                          ROBBIE
                          (PROCESSING)
           Wait: my dad is the older guy
           you've been seeing?
                         
                          BERNIE
           I knew it.
                         
           He gets ready to pummel some more. Jessica grabs him. 
                         
                          JESSICA
                          (TO BERNIE)
           He doesn't even know about the
           dirty pictures I made for him.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           You made him dirty pictures? Oh
           God.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           105.
                         94 CONTINUED: (6) 94
           Robbie looks to Cal. He's angry, jealous, and broken- 
           hearted all at once. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
                          (TO CAL) 
           You're the one? You're the one 
           she... 
           (then, furious) 
           You stole my soulmate. 
                         
                          CAL
           Wait: Jessica is your soulmate?
                         
           VOICE (O.S.) 
           I'm sorry, is Tracy home? 
                         
           Everyone turns: DAVID JACOBOWITZ stands in the doorway. 
           He's holding up a SWEATER in his right hand. 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           You left your sweater in my car 
           the other night. 
                          
                          HANNAH
           Who are you?
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           David Jacobowitz.
                         
                          JACOB
           David Jacobowitz!
                         
                          CAL 
           David Jacobowitz!? 
                         
                          DAVID JACOBOWITZ 
           Is this a bad time -- 
                         
           WHACK!!! Jacob LEVELS David Jacobowitz with a right 
           hook.
                         
                          HANNAH
           Jacob!
                         
                          JACOB
           You know how much misery you've
           put this poor bastard through!?
                         
           Before Jacob can finish, Cal LEVELS Jacob. 
                         
                          CAL
           Stay the hell away from my
           daughter.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           106.
                         94 CONTINUED: (7) 94
           Jacob JUMPS on Cal. David jumps on Jacob. Bernie tries
           to pull them apart.
                         
           Jessica finally gets the blindfold off Tracy. The women
           and children watch the battle in horror.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          95 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD - LATER 95 
                         
           Cal, Jacob, Bernie, and David Jacobowitz sit side-by-side
           on the miniature golf hole, bloodied but still. 
                         
           REVEAL: TWO POLICE OFFICERS standing in the center of
           the yard. One of them finishes writing in a pad. 
                         
                          POLICE OFFICER #1
           Well, okay. That should about do
           it.
           (to his partner) 
           What do you think? 
                         
           The other cop SHRUGS. The first cop, thinks, then: 
                         
                          POLICE OFFICER #1
           Look, I'm just gonna write
           domestic disturbance reported but
           all clear, okay? `Cause honestly,
           I don't even know what to put down
           here.
                         
                          TRACY
           Thank you, Officer. 
                         
           He nods, walks to the door. Stops there.
                         
                          POLICE OFFICER #1
           Just... simmer down, okay? We all
           have arguments, but if you're
           gonna fight -- just do it inside. 
           Keep it in the family, okay?
                         
           Jacob SNARFS down a laugh. Cal glares at him.
                         
                          CAL
           I'll kill you.
                         
           The cops look at Cal, at each other, SHRUG, and EXIT.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           107.
                         95 CONTINUED: 95
           ON THE YARD 
                         
           Awkward silence. Our whole cast is there: disheveled
           and bloodied. The place looks like a hurricane has hit. 
           A miniature golf hole torn to shreds. 
                         
           Bernie turns to Jessica.
                         
                          BERNIE
           Let's go. Now. 
                         
           She NODS. Looks back at Cal.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I'm so sorry --
                         
                          BERNIE
           NOW!
                         
           And that's that. Robbie runs to the driveway, looks: 
                         
          96 IN THE STREET 96 
                         
           as Jessica runs after her father, trying to apologize.
           But he won't even look at her. They get in their
           respective cars, drive off.
                         
                         
                         97 BACK INSIDE 97
                          
           Jacob approaches Cal.
                          
                          CAL
           Don't.
                          JACOB
                          CAL --
                         
           Cal turns to Hannah.
                         
                          CAL
           This man is a lowlife and a 
                          WOMANIZER -- 
                         
                          TRACY 
           (under her breath) 
           Oh, that's ironic. 
                         
           Cal whips around. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I'm sorry, what? 
                         
           Tracy doesn't push it. Cal turns back to Hannah. 
                          (CONTINUED)
           108.
                         97 CONTINUED: 97
                          CAL 
           You may not be able to see it, but 
           I have. Over and over again. You
           are not to see him any more.
                          
                          HANNAH
           Dad, c'mon, I'm not going to stop
           seeing him.
                         
           Cal turns away.
                         
                          CAL
           Well then I don't have anything 
           else to say to you. 
                         
                          HANNAH
                          DAD --
                         
                          CAL
           GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
                         
                         
                          ON HANNAH
                         
           shocked.
                         
                         
           BACK TO SCENE
                         
                          TRACY
           Cal, stop being unreasona--
                         
                          CAL
           I said: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY 
           HOUSE! 
                         
                          TRACY 
           IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE, CAL! 
                         
                          CAL 
           AND YOU MADE DAMN SURE OF THAT 
           DIDN'T YOU, SWEETHEART!? 
                         
           This time it's Tracy whose face registers shock. Hannah
           takes Jacob's hand, pulls him away. 
                         
                          JACOB
           (one last try)
           Cal, c'mon --
                         
           But Cal won't even look at him. 
                         
                          MOLLY
                          (CALLING OUT)
           Goodbye, Nanna.
                          (CONTINUED)
           109.
                         97 CONTINUED: (2) 97
                          HANNAH
                          (THROUGH TEARS)
           Goodbye, cutie.
                         
           They EXIT. Cal lets them go, then grabs his things. 
                         
                          CAL 
           She's all yours, David. 
                         
           Ouch.
                         
                          TRACY
                          (WOUNDED)
           Nice. 
                         
           Before he goes, Cal stops in front of Robbie. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Go big or go home, right, buddy? 
                         
           Robbie looks up at him, cold. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           Go home, Dad. 
                         
           Cal NODS, EXITS. 
                          
          98 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - THE NEXT MONTH 98
                         
           CUE: John Mayer's "Who Says."
                         
           1) ROBBIE, at school. His spirit is crushed. He looks 
           at his CONTACT LIST, thinks, and DELETES JESSICA. 
                         
                         
                         99 JESSICA 99
           2) at home, grounded and sad. 
                         
                         
                         100 JACOB 100
                         
           3) trying to get HANNAH to make a phone call to her
           father... she won't.
                         
                         
                         101 TRACY 101
                         
           4) at her office, finally taking down the picture of her 
           and Cal. And speaking of Cal... 
           110.
                         
                         
          102 INT. BAR - AFTERNOON (THREE WEEKS LATER) 102
                         
           Cal sits back at his usual table. This isn't "Cool Cal,"
           the Jacob disciple. No, this is "Sad Mess Cal." He's 
           grown a patchy beard. He's wearing a ratty sweatsuit. 
                         
           He's drinking, once again, vodka-cranberry out of a wimpy 
           red straw. It's pathetic. A WAITRESS APPROACHES.
                         
                          WAITRESS
           Can I get you another?
                         
                          CAL
           What time is it?
                         
                          WAITRESS
           2:30. In the afternoon.
                         
                          CAL
           2:30 would have been sufficient
           but I appreciate the judgment,
           Cocktail Waitress.
                          (THEN)
           Yes, another drink would be grand.
                         
           She EXITS.
                         
           Cal feels bad for that one. As she re-approaches: 
                         
                          CAL
           That was uncalled for. Sorry for
           being a dick.
                         
           JACOB (O.S.)
           Ah, it's okay, I deserved it. 
                         
                         
                          ON JACOB
                         
           Standing there. As always, he looks perfectly put
           together. He takes in Cal.
                         
                          JACOB
           It's a nice sweatsuit, Cal.
                         
                          CAL
           What do you want?
                         
                          JACOB
           Can I sit?
                         
                          CAL
           I don't know, can you?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           111.
                         102 CONTINUED: 102
                          JACOB
           Okay, are we going to be mature
           about this, or act like children?
                         
                          CAL
                          (MIMICKING) 
           `Are we going to be mature or act
           like children?'
                         
                          JACOB
           Okay, so like children then. Move
           over.
                         
           Jacob SLIDES in.
                         
                          JACOB
           I'd like to talk.
                         
                          CAL
           You still seeing my daughter?
                         
                          JACOB
           Yes.
                         
                          CAL
           Then I have nothing to say to you.
                         
                          JACOB
           Cal.
                          (THEN)
           Cal, look at me.
                         
           Cal looks. Jacob still has that power over him.
                         
                          JACOB
           You been hanging out here a lot?
                         
                          CAL
           Sometimes.
                         
                          JACOB
           Must be missing a lot of work.
                         
                          CAL
           I have a lot of vacation days.
                         
                          JACOB
           Some vacation.
                         
                          CAL
           I hate the beach... you've got a 
           lot of nerve coming here --
                         
           Just then, the WAITRESS re-approaches. Delivers Cal's
           drink. They wait her out. She EXITS.
                          (CONTINUED)
           112.
                         102 CONTINUED: (2) 102
                          JACOB
           You want a sip?
                         
                          CAL
           No, she probably spit in it.
                         
           Jacob NODS as Cal pushes the drink away. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Your kids miss you.
                         
                          CAL
           You're hanging out with my kids,
           fantastic! You can teach Robbie
           how to objectify women, he'll love
           that.
                         
                          JACOB 
           His eighth grade graduation is 
           next week. You coming? 
                         
                          CAL 
           Of course I'm coming. 
                         
                          JACOB
           Well you haven't exactly been
           around for him, Cal.
                         
                          CAL 
           He's not my biggest fan right now. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Oh, that's a good excuse -- 
                         
                          CAL
           Alright, man-whore, if your
           lecture on parental responsibility
           is almost done --
                         
                          JACOB
           I love her, Cal. 
                         
           Cal looks up. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           I've never been in love before. 
           Honestly, I've never even been in 
           `like' before. 
                          (THEN) 
           I never got it. I saw people in 
           love -- I saw weakness. I heard
           them say the things they said, and
           do the things they do, it all just
           seemed so... so pathetic. 
                          (THEN)
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           113.
                         102 CONTINUED: (3) 102
                          JACOB (CONT'D)
           She's my perfect combination of
           everything, Cal.
                         
           Cal looks up at Jacob. He smiles, gently. 
                         
                          CAL
           I know you. I know what you are. 
           You are not good enough for my 
           daughter. And you will never have 
           my permission nor my approval. 
                         
           Jacob stands. 
                         
                          JACOB
           I'll see you at graduation. 
                         
           He EXITS. Once more, Cal is alone. Just as he wants it. 
                         
          103 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - ONE WEEK LATER 103 
                         
           A small MIDDLE-SCHOOL AMPHITHEATER. About 150 people 
           fill the crowd of an intimate middle school graduation. 
                         
           Tracy, Molly, and Hannah sit in the front row. Jessica 
           sits with her family a few rows away. All look nice. 
                         
           MANY ROWS BACK -- 
                         
           Sits Cal, sandwiched between RANDOM SPECTATORS. Cal is 
           now shaven and well-dressed but he looks miserable. 
                         
           His eyes brighten for a moment as he notices... 
                         
           AN EMPTY SEAT between Tracy and Hannah. He leans 
           forward, are they saving it for him? But just then... 
           Jacob arrives. Kisses Hannah and takes "Cal's" seat. 
           Cal looks nauseous. 
                         
                         
                          ON STAGE 
                         
           We WATCH the ceremony for a moment. The PRINCIPAL labors 
           through her introduction... 
                         
           VOICE (V.O.)
           ... and now, to introduce the 
           first student speaker: our very
           own English teacher Kate Thompson!
                         
           Cal's former conquest steps onto stage. 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           114.
                         103 CONTINUED: 103
           AHEAD OF CAL 
                         
           Tracy looks away, clearly uncomfortable at the teacher's 
           presence. She accidentally catches Cal's eye. Awkward. 
                         
                          KATE
           Our next speaker is not only the
           class salutatorian, but he's also
           one of the most...
                          (SEARCHING)
           Spirited... young men, I've ever
           had the pleasure of teaching.
           Ladies and gentlemen: Robbie
           Weaver.
                         
           Robbie takes the stage to APPLAUSE. This is not the same 
           kid we've come to love. There's something different in 
           his face. He's been broken. He spots JESSICA. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           (a bit monotone) 
           Thank you, Mrs. Thompson. 
           Welcome, Class of 2011. 
                          (A BEAT) 
           I wasn't really sure what I wanted 
           to talk about today. Mrs. 
           Thompson said it might be good to 
           talk about growing up and getting 
           older and stuff. So I guess I'll 
           talk about that. 
                         
           Cal watches, concerned. Where's his son? 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I grew up a lot this year, I 
           think. I used to think that 
           growing up meant really growing. 
           Like getting taller and bigger. 
           But now I think that growing up 
           just makes you smaller. Your 
           dreams get smaller, and what you 
           want gets smaller... 
           (beat, then) 
           I grew an inch and a half this 
           year, but I feel a lot smaller. 
                         
           Cal sits forward, getting increasingly concerned. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I was in love. And I know that 
           makes parents laugh because I'm 
           only thirteen but whatever, I was. 
                          (MORE)
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           115.
                         103 CONTINUED: (2) 103
                          ROBBIE (CONT'D)
           I believed that there was one true 
           love for everyone, and if you 
           fought for that person, your one 
           true love would always work out. 
           But that's not how it works. It 
           sounded good when I was younger, 
           but... it's just not how it works. 
           There's no such thing as one true 
           love for everyo-- 
                         
           CAL (O.S.) 
           Stop! 
                         
           Robbie turns. Cal is STANDING in the middle of the 
           crowd. Everyone turns to look at him. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           Dad? 
                         
                          CAL 
           Hi. 
           (awkward, to crowd) 
           Hi, everyone. 
                         
           Silence. No one knows what to do. Cal is suddenly 
           really uncomfortable. 
                         
                          CAL 
           May I have a word with my son? 
           It'll just take a second. 
                         
           Cal tries to extricate himself from his row. He steps 
           over people, squeezes by people, almost trips. 
                         
           Finally clear, he gathers himself, and tries to keep his 
           dignity as he marches down the aisle -- past his family. 
                         
           Robbie comes to the front of the stage, bends down. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
                          (HEATED WHISPER) 
           What are you doing? 
                         
                          CAL 
           I don't know. What are you doing? 
                         
           Robbie's eyes well up with tears. 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I was wrong, Dad. There's no such 
           thing as -- 
                         
           Cal turns toward the crowd, announces: 
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           116.
                         103 CONTINUED: (3) 103
                          CAL 
           My son's graduation speech sucks. 
                         
           GASPS from the crowd. 
                         
                         
                          ON CAL 
                         
           Now standing, alone, front and center in front of an 
           entire eighth grade graduation ceremony. 
                         
           He looks behind him at the panel of TEACHERS. MRS. 
           THOMPSON discreetly gives Cal the finger. 
                         
                          CAL 
           In fairness, I don't know where he 
           was going but I think we can all 
           agree it was heading in a pretty 
           depressing direction. And I 
           basically wrote it for him. I 
           mean, I didn't literally write it 
           but I sure as hell influenced it, 
           and the kid's already a spitting 
           image of his mother and I'll be 
           damned if this is what he's going 
           to get from me. 
                         
           People squirm, uncomfortable. This is a train wreck. 
                         
                          CAL 
           My son -- not him, my actual son -- 
           he believes in grand romantic 
           gestures. He believes that people 
           have soulmates. And we always 
           want to tell our thirteen-year- 
           olds that they're wrong, that `one 
           day you'll understand, young man.' 
           But maybe it should be the other 
           way around. 
                         
           He looks at Tracy, out in the crowd. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I met my soulmate when I was 
           fifteen years old. Our first 
           date, we went for ice cream. 
           After, my dad started teasing me 
           about my `first date' the way dads 
           do. And I told him: `stop making 
           a big deal, Dad. I'm going to go 
           on lots of dates with plenty of 
           girls.' That was the first time I 
           ever lied to my father. 
                          (THEN) 
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           117.
                         103 CONTINUED: (4) 103
                          CAL (CONT'D)
           I met my soulmate when I was 
           fifteen years old. And I have 
           loved her with everything I have 
           for every minute, of every day, 
           ever since she let me buy her that 
           first mint chip ice cream. I have 
           loved her through the birth of our 
           three perfect children, and I have 
           loved her even as I've hated her -- 
           only married couples can truly 
           understand that one. And I don't 
           know what will wind up happening 
           with us -- I don't, Robbie, I'm 
           sorry I can't give you that -- but 
           I promise you this: I will never 
           stop trying. When you find `the 
           one' you never give up trying... 
           and I love you, my amazing boy, 
           for reminding me of that. 
                         
           Robbie hugs his father as the crowd reacts. Cal kisses 
           his son on the head, then motions towards the microphone. 
                         
           Robbie grabs it with newfound gusto and announces: 
                         
                          ROBBIE 
           I still love you, Jessica! I've 
           loved you since the first time you 
           changed my sister's diaper! I've 
           loved you since... 
                         
           The crowd reacts (LAUGHS, CHEERS, etc.) as Robbie 
           continues. Cal stands back and smiles. His boy is back. 
                         
          104 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - LATER 104 
           The ceremony is over. Robbie heads over to his family. 
           They hug him, kiss him. Cal approaches Hannah and Jacob. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Hi, Nanna. 
                         
                          HANNAH 
           Daddy. 
                         
           He smiles at her, adoring. 
                         
                          CAL 
           My perfect girl. 
                         
           He kisses her forehead, turns to Jacob. 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           118.
                         104 CONTINUED: 104
                          CAL 
           I already ordered a gun. I'm not 
           kidding. I ordered a Colt .45 on 
           a shady internet site, I can show 
           you the receipt. If you hurt her, 
           I am prepared to shoot you in the 
           face. 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Cal, I'm not going to -- 
                         
                          CAL 
           Shut up, Jacob. 
                         
           Jacob shuts up. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Wow. I like that. 
                         
           Jacob smiles, shakes hands with Cal. Cal notices: 
                         
                          CAL 
           Is that a new shirt? 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Hannah took me to the Gap. It's 
           actually not as bad as I thought. 
                         
                          CAL 
           Seriously? 
                         
                          JACOB 
           Of course not, Cal. It's the Gap. 
           I got this at Nordstrom's. 
                         
           And like that... order is restored in the universe. 
                         
                         
           OVER TO ROBBIE 
                         
           Who approaches Jessica. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           It was nice of you to come.
                         
                          JESSICA
           I wouldn't have missed it.
                         
           Awkward.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           So, how are things with your dad? 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           119.
                         104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
                          JESSICA
           Strained. I took a summer
           internship up at Stanford, gonna 
           head up there early. Figure it
           can't hurt to get out of his line
           of sight for a while.
                         
                          ROBBIE
           Yeah, probably a good idea.
                          (THEN)
           You were a good baby-sitter,
           Jessica. I'm sorry if I made you
           uncomfortable.
                         
           He holds out his hand, to shake, formally.
                         
                          JESSICA
           Wait: I thought you weren't 
           giving up. 
                         
                          ROBBIE
           I'm not. But I figure: you like 
           my dad, and one day I'll look like
           my dad, so I'll just come for you
           then.
                         
           Jessica smiles.
                         
                          JESSICA
           It's a good plan.
                         
           She looks over her shoulder, reaches into her purse. 
                         
                          JESSICA
           Until then: a little graduation
           gift. To help get you through
           high school.
                         
           She hands him something in an ENVELOPE: the same type of
           envelope she once used for...
                         
           Robbie peeks inside. His eyes BUG OUT. Jessica kisses
           him, sweetly, on the cheek.
                         
                          JESSICA
           You take care, Robbie.
                         
           Robbie watches her go. Love-struck once more. Cal steps 
           up next to his son. 
                         
                          CAL
           You okay, buddy? 
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           120.
                         104 CONTINUED: (3) 104
                          ROBBIE
                          (RE: ENVELOPE) 
           I am now, Dad. I am now. 
                         
           Robbie runs off to join his friends. Cal smiles. 
                         
           TRACY (O.S.) 
           I'm terrified of what's going to 
           become of him once he hits 
           puberty. 
                         
           Cal turns, Tracy has been watching. 
                         
                          CAL 
           We might have to lock him up. 
                         
           Tracy smiles. Cal walks over toward her. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           You gave a good eighth grade 
           graduation speech. 
                         
                          CAL 
           I've been working on it for thirty 
           years, so... 
                         
           She LAUGHS, then... quiet. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Do you think we can ever come back 
           from all this, Cal? 
                         
                          CAL 
           I don't know. I'd like to try 
           though. I know I'd like to try. 
                         
           She nods, thinking. 
                         
                          TRACY 
           Things are just so messed up. And 
           it's been such a strange year. 
           I've been in such a strange place. 
           And we have all these problems, so 
           many problems I've lost count, but 
           at the end of the day, I mean, the 
           only thing I know -- 
                         
           She stops herself, emotional. Then, simply: 
                         
                          TRACY 
           I am just so glad you took me for 
           that ice cream. 
                         
           Cal smiles. They share the moment in silence. And then: 
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           121.
                         104 CONTINUED: (4) 104
                          TRACY 
           It was rocky road by the way. 
                         
                          CAL 
           No! 
                         
           As they JOKE and ARGUE about what flavor the ice cream 
           was, we PULL BACK. 
                         
           Off to the side, Robbie steps away from his friends and 
           watches them enjoy one another's company. 
                         
           He smiles. 
                         
           FADE OUT.
                         
                          THE END