"FOUR ROOMS"

                                      Screenplay by

                                      Allison Anders

                                    Alexandre Rockwell

                                     Robert Rodriguez

                                    Quentin Tarantino

                

               MAIN TITLES

               As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home 
               of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, 
               under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that 
               the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim 
               Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical 
               order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors' 
               names, we...

               FADE UP ON A WALL

               The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards 
               from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You 
               Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, 
               etc....

               The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s 
               hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 
               30 people posed on the lawn in front.

               An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue:

                                     VOICE-OVER
                         There used to be a staff of fifty in 
                         this place. I'm the only one left 
                         from those days. It all comes down 
                         to one sap: the night-shift bellhop, 
                         that's me. What the hell is a bellhop? 
                         You know where the name comes from?
                              (silence)
                         Of course not... It's so simple it's 
                         stupid. They ring a bell and you 
                         hop. You hop to front and center. No 
                         heroes in this line, kid. Just men 
                         doing a job. No questions asked, 
                         none answered. I try to keep it 
                         simple, kid, not too personal...

               Another voice of a young man interrupts.

                                     TED
                         You met any of those old stars?

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Stars! Are you kidding me? I took 
                         Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for 
                         Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley 
                         Temple how to roller-skate. I saw 
                         Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three 
                         cheese sandwiches right on the spot 
                         you're sitting, kid. What did you 
                         say your name was?

                                     TED
                         Ted.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used 
                         to come down at night and doze off 
                         in the kitchen. She liked the sound 
                         of the fans out back spinning around. 
                         Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol 
                         Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll 
                         pick up a few stories yourself, kid.

                                     TED
                         I don't think so, not like yours.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         What do you think a star does when 
                         he goes to the bathroom, kid?

                                     TED
                         Beats me.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         He pulls his pants down and takes a 
                         crap just like you and me. Take my 
                         word for it.

               A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with 
               a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to 
               reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a 
               small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is 
               dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He 
               looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a 
               young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The 
               old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Camacho!

                                     TED
                         Who?

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, 
                         wrapped in Miami. I get a box of 
                         them every Christmas from the chairman 
                         of the board. I think he sends them 
                         to me to keep my mouth shut. It's 
                         tough not to get a little personal 
                         in this business.

               The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at 
               his cap, lost in thought.

                                     TED
                         What do you mean?

               The old guy passes the cap over to Ted.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Put it on.

               Ted puts the cap on.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Frankly, you look stupid... like the 
                         Philip Morris guy. I can't believe I 
                         wore that thing for fifty years. You 
                         keep it.

               The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. 
               Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old 
               straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the 
               door. Ted follows.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Stay away from night clerks, kids, 
                         hookers, and marital disputes.

               The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the 
               eye.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Never have sex with the clientele.

                                     TED
                         No way, not me. You got any other 
                         advice.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Always get a tip.

               The door slams shut on the back room.

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT

               The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at 
               one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. 
               It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge -- a snappy, fast-
               talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty -- 
               stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in 
               hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the 
               front door. Betty sees him.

                                     BETTY
                         Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute!

               The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         What?

               Betty comes from behind the desk.

                                     BETTY
                         I just want to say good-bye.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Who are you?

                                     BETTY
                         Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your 
                         boss.

               The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal.

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam 
                         cigar went out.

                                     BETTY
                         Yeah, sure.

               She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he 
               puffs away.

                                     BETTY
                         I just want you to know, from the 
                         owner and all the staff, your fifty 
                         years of service have been an 
                         inspiration to us all. You're a legend 
                         in your own time, and the Mon Signor 
                         will never be the --

                                     THE OLD GUY
                         Just forward my cigars, Red.
                              (He turns around the 
                              walks out, saying 
                              over his shoulder)
                         Aufwiedersehen!

               Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her 
               in his bellbody uniform, sans cap.

                                     TED
                         Sam the bellboy. Now there was a 
                         man.

                                     BETTY
                         Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start 
                         the night shift?

                                     TED
                         Yeah.

                                     BETTY
                         Well, let me buy you a drink.

                                     TED
                         You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting 
                         my shift.

                                     BETTY
                         You're not an alcoholic, are you; 
                         one drink won't kill you.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, sure.

               They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we

               SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M.

               INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT

               Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their 
               hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard 
               Hawks style.

                                     BETTY
                         After fifty years, Sam retires, and 
                         you're taking over the night shift.

                                     TED
                         Correct.

                                     BETTY
                         You're filling some mighty big shoes.

                                     TED
                         Oh, I know.

                                     BETTY
                         Sam was a legend in the hotel 
                         business.

                                     TED
                         Oh, I know...

                                     BETTY
                         A bellhop's bellhop.

                                     TED
                         An inspiration to us all.

                                     BETTY
                         He ran the night desk for fifty years, 
                         all by himself.

                                     TED
                         An amazing man.

                                     BETTY
                         No desk clerk. No night man. No help. 
                         Just fuckin' Sam, and his wits.

                                     TED
                         A man alone.

                                     BETTY
                         And you're gonna do the same.

                                     TED
                         I know.

                                     BETTY
                         Tonight.

               Ted spews his drink.

                                     TED
                         Tonight!

                                     BETTY
                         Yes, tonight.

                                     TED
                         I can't.

                                     BETTY
                         Yes, you can.

                                     TED
                         No, I can't. I never worked the night 
                         shift before.

                                     BETTY
                         Oh night shift -- smight shift.

                                     TED
                         We were supposed to work it together.

                                     BETTY
                         I know, but I can't.

                                     TED
                         Why not?

                                     BETTY
                         I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

                                     TED
                         Since when?

                                     BETTY
                         Actually, I'm not having it. My 
                         roommate is. And there's this guy. 
                         German guy. He's gonna be there. And 
                         so am I.

                                     TED
                         I can't run this place by myself.

                                     BETTY
                         Oh, sure ya can.

                                     TED
                         No, I can't.

                                     BETTY
                         Sam ran this place by himself for 
                         fifty years.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, and he had fifty years of 
                         fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had 
                         a day.

                                     BETTY
                         Look, Teddy, calm down --

                                     TED
                         -- Don't call me Teddy.

                                     BETTY
                         Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. 
                         The day's when it's busy. During the 
                         night there's nothing to do.

                                     TED
                         It's New Year's Eve.

                                     BETTY
                         Which'll make it less busy than 
                         normal. Ever worked on Christmas? 
                         Unless you sell turkeys, business is 
                         dead. You just got butterflies, that's 
                         all.

                                     TED
                         What I have ain't butterflies. I 
                         can't handle this hotel all by myself.

               Betty slows the scene down.

                                     BETTY
                         Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow 
                         it down, cool it off. Let's just 
                         talk.

                                     TED
                         You can say any goddamn thing you 
                         want --

                                     BETTY
                         -- Ted? I thought we were calming 
                         down? I thought we were cooling off? 
                         No hostility. Say good-bye to 
                         hostility. We're just talking.

                                     TED
                         Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm, 
                         I'm cool, let's talk.

                                     BETTY
                         Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to 
                         do is hold the fort. It's New Year's 
                         Eve. Most of the guests are going 
                         out. You'll just be giving them a 
                         little nod as they come staggering 
                         in at three... four... five... in 
                         the morning. Nobody's having any 
                         parties, a few get-togethers, but no 
                         parties. You got about three people 
                         checking in tonight, that's it. The 
                         only variable is Chester Rush in the 
                         penthouse.

                                     TED
                         Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky 
                         Detective?

                                     BETTY
                         Yeah, him and his entourage checked 
                         in last night. They're in the 
                         penthouse. The only reason I refer 
                         to it as a variable is that he's a 
                         movie star. Ya never know about movie 
                         stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's 
                         cake.

               Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.

                                     BETTY
                              (continuing)
                         And look, if you have any problems, 
                         call me at the party.

               Ted thinks about it for a moment.

                                     TED
                         Okay.

                                     BETTY
                         Great --

                                     TED
                         -- For fifty bucks.

                                     BETTY
                         Fifty bucks!

                                     TED
                         You're shirking your duties for this 
                         Nazi. For that you pay a price, and 
                         the price is fifty bucks.

                                     BETTY
                         One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's 
                         not a fair price. You're taking 
                         advantage of the situation. Twenty 
                         bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair 
                         price.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, but what you're doin' to me 
                         ain't fair. And, you are completely 
                         and totally taking advantage of me 
                         and your position. So fifty bucks is 
                         the perfect price.

               Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.

                                     BETTY
                         Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't 
                         bother me unless it's an emergency. 
                         In fact, for fifty bucks, you better 
                         not call me unless the fuckin' 
                         building's burning down.

               She gives him the money.

                                     BETTY
                         Get ready to take the desk.

               Betty leaves.

               Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares 
               himself for the night.

               FADE TO BLACK

               STORY TITLE CARD:

                                         ROOM 321
                                      "STRANGE BREW"

               FADE IN:

               EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK

               Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a 
               taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is 
               a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to 
               see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). 
               She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and 
               is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.

               Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a 
               woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is 
               concerned as he attempts to lift it.

                                     ATHENA
                         Pleeze be careful -- my God. You 
                         have no idea...

               Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely 
               heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. 
               The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed 
               with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put 
               this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at 
               Ted, who is out of breath.

                                     ATHENA
                         I'm usually a good tipper, but this 
                         one -- this cab driver -- he had 
                         green all around him. I don't like 
                         that in a man.

               Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.

                                     TED
                         Green? Is that bad? Like you read 
                         auras or something like that?

                                     ATHENA
                         Something like that.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, well what color are you seein' 
                         around me... how's the tip lookin?

                                     ATHENA
                         I see purple... in your face, and...

               As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely 
               drawn to his crotch.

               She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be 
               charmingly oblivious.

               Athena looks back into his face.

                                     ATHENA
                         ...you're okay.

               Ted touches his face -- as if searching for the "purple" in 
               it -- and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his 
               crotch and giving her a confused side glance.

               INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK

               Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her 
               reservation.

                                     ATHENA
                         Athena Z.

                                     TED
                              (scratching his head --
                              weird name, okay)
                         You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite --
                         just one night? With all this luggage?

                                     ATHENA
                         I will only need to stay till sunrise.

                                     TED
                         Okay... and how will you be paying?

                                     ATHENA
                         With gold.

               He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly -- she pulls out 
               her Gold Card and smiles.

               EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

               The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. 
               Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her 
               room.

               AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

               Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In 
               the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids 
               poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms 
               beyond the still hot tub.

               Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety -- then looks in 
               front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of 
               a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect."

               Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, 
               she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance 
               wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed.

                                     ATHENA
                         Well -- the other bag -- I need it.

                                     TED
                         Right.

               He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He 
               laughs sickly.

                                     TED
                         What the hell you got in here, lady? 
                         Nuclear weapons?

               She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the 
               bag.

                                     ATHENA
                              (dryly)
                         The White Cliffs of Dover.

               Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and 
               pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it 
               to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented.

                                     ATHENA
                         The others will be coming soon. Send 
                         them, pleeze.

               Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the 
               cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway.

                                     TED
                         Oh -- I forgot to show you how to 
                         turn on the Jacuzzi.

               But Athena is ahead of him -- she flips a switch and water 
               begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.

                                     ATHENA
                         I been in dis' place many New Year's. 
                         So... you send the others to me, 
                         huh. Go now.

               As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, 
               shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the 
               suite.

               IN THE SUITE BEDROOM

               A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible 
               to imagine having an orgasm in this room -- unless it were 
               achieved by laughing.

               Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of 
               stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it 
               like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the 
               head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows.

               Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching 
               high-heeled slippers.

               And these she places with reverence on the bed.

                                     ATHENA
                         On this night, oh great goddess Diana, 
                         we restore your virgin flesh and 
                         bring you back to real life.

               CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.

                                     ATHENA
                         Soon -- I take you to the pond for a 
                         cleansing. Well, it's a swimming 
                         pool, but it will be under the setting 
                         sun, okay?

               INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS

               Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first 
               guest, Elspeth arrives.

               She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue 
               eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like 
               Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and 
               a silver sword on her shoulder.

                                     TED
                         May I help you?

                                     ELSPETH
                         I... we... have a reservation.

               Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva!

               ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a 
               long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling 
               "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva.

               Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette 
               machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several 
               packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands.

                                     KIVA
                         Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies 
                         for this boring ass night.

                                     ELSPETH
                              (to Ted)
                         We have a reservation in the Honeymoon 
                         Suite.

                                     TED
                         Oh yeah... you must be one of "the 
                         others." And what're you carrying -- 
                         the Rock of Gibraltar?

               She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He 
               walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile 
               luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth 
               turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva 
               lights up.

                                     ELSPETH
                         What'd I tell you about smoking?

                                     KIVA
                         You smoke.

                                     ELSPETH
                         That's right -- I smoke, and I'm 
                         addicted to it, and I don't want the 
                         same thing to happen to you.

                                     KIVA
                              (in game-show host 
                              voice)
                         "Hello -- welcome to this week's 
                         edition of the Hypocrite of the Year 
                         Award --"

               As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, 
               Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with 
               an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva! That's enough --

               She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.

                                     KIVA
                         You're not my mother!

                                     ELSPETH
                         Yes I am.

                                     KIVA
                         Then why're we sleeping together?

               Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning 
               to unfold here.

               Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at 
               his scrutiny.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Well... I didn't mean it... literally. 
                         I... I happen to be the only one 
                         who... cares about you --

               But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, 
               flustered.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Please -- take us to our room!

               Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, 
               but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots 
               him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous 
               laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.

               AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

               The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee 
               tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. 
               Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the 
               hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With 
               most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers 
               are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.

               But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the 
               Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white 
               powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands 
               him a tip as he gawks at the circle.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Flea powder. One of the others is 
                         bringing her cat.

               Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look 
               to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. 
               He shakes his head and leaves.

                                     ELSPETH
                         You're gonna have to wait in the 
                         other room.

                                     KIVA
                         Why?

                                     ELSPETH
                         Because I said so.

                                     KIVA
                         I'll watch TV.

                                     ELSPETH
                         You can't watch TV because the noise 
                         will interfere with our ritual.

               Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. 
               She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession.

                                     KIVA
                         Okay... Mommy.

               Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. 
               Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, 
               whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing 
               the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts.

               Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway 
               into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the 
               honeymoon bedroom.

               Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with 
               the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of 
               the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her 
               sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with 
               tender affection.

                                     ATHENA
                         Soon -- our goddess will come. I 
                         will go get her negligee.

               Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! 
               Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat 
               is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes 
               the negligee off the irrepressible youth.

                                     ATHENA
                         What are you doing! Have you no 
                         respect -- who -- who is dis girl?

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the 
                         TV! I can't leave her at home -- 
                         she's on probation and I gotta keep 
                         an eye on her.

                                     ATHENA
                         Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot 
                         stay here during the ritual. She may 
                         be one of your kind, but she is not 
                         one of us.

                                     ELSPETH
                         She stays!! Or I go -- along with my 
                         offering!

               The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out --

                                     ATHENA
                         TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN!

                                     KIVA
                              (in a seductive pout)
                         Make me...

               Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated 
               as she firmly demands from Elspeth --

                                     ATHENA
                         Let's not forget -- I am the High 
                         Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis 
                         girl!

               Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverence and 
               respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.

                                     ATHENA
                              (eyes lifted to heaven, 
                              wearily)
                         Tell me -- did we have these problems 
                         in Salem? I don't think so...

               IN THE BEDROOM

               Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a 
               soft touch.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva... you know what I love about 
                         you?

               Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Your sweet side.

                                     KIVA
                         And what do I get if I'm sweet?

                                     ELSPETH
                         You get whatever you want. And you 
                         know what else I love about you?

                                     KIVA
                              (seduced now)
                         What?

                                     ELSPETH
                         Your nose.

               And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. 
               Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she 
               has the last word.

                                     ELSPETH
                         And I saw you checking her out.

               Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place -- for now.

               IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

               The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer 
               luggage -- and lots of it -- behind yet another Gorgeous 
               Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over 
               her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the 
               hall like a Southern princess.

                                     JEZEBEL
                              (talking to her cat 
                              in baby talk)
                         Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet 
                         little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the 
                         baby.

               AT THE DOOR

               Jezebel bursts in, chattering.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Well, this is just darlin'! Just 
                         darlin' Hi-dee, girls...

               Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place 
               has become all the more transformed with wild canopies of 
               exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at 
               work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She 
               stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, 
               which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents 
               her cat -- upward toward heaven -- frees the cat, bares her 
               breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh."

               Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, 
               but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks 
               it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it 
               sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Toodle-loo.

               And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors 
               to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing 
               on herself.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Well -- I see Elspeth has herself a 
                         new lil' fool -- what the hell is 
                         she doin' here on our night of annual 
                         ritual?

                                     ATHENA
                              (wearily)
                         I have sanctioned her presence, as 
                         long as she behaves. Come on -- there 
                         is more work to be done to welcome 
                         our great Diana.

                                     KIVA
                         I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!

                                     ELSPETH
                         Why do I always attract girls who 
                         are looking for a babysitter?

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall 
                         ain't the best place to find serious 
                         relationship material.

               Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.

               IN THE HALLWAY

               Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched 
               in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his 
               hand -- at least these lunachicks tip well.

               Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female 
               intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native 
               American, Southwestern themes. No shoes.

               But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down 
               the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.

                                     RAVEN
                         I'm looking for the room for making 
                         love.

                                     TED
                         You might be referring to the 
                         Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way... 
                         you can't miss it -- see all that 
                         furniture in the hallway --

                                     RAVEN
                         Oh I know the way. I just wanted you 
                         to know that I knew where I was going 
                         and that you needn't bother yourself 
                         with me. The others are here -- great!

                                     TED
                              (wearily)
                         Oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's 
                         fantastic.

                                     RAVEN
                              (in deep empathy)
                         Ohhh... I know it all seems very 
                         strange but you're coping with us 
                         much better than the bellboys of 
                         past New Year's.

                                     TED
                         Past New Year's?

                                     RAVEN
                         Oh yes -- we've been coming here 
                         every New Year... for a long time. 
                         Thanks for your patience.

                                     TED
                         Oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the 
                         place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet 
                         with flea powder, pour paint in the 
                         Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out 
                         the... where're your bags?

                                     RAVEN
                         I travel very light.

               Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her 
               thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.

               INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

               The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from 
               the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, 
               with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple 
               scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by 
               herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is 
               Eva.

                                     TED
                              (already weary of 
                              these girls)
                         Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite.

                                     EVA
                         Oh... yes... I'm late.

               She lowers her eyes, worried.

                                     TED
                         All right -- lemme give ya a hand.

                                     EVA
                         Oh... no, that's all right. I can 
                         carry them by myself.

               She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to 
               have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags.

                                     TED
                         I'm a man doin' a job -- no hero.

               Eva smiles, beautifully.

                                     EVA
                         Well gosh -- thank you!

               IN THE ELEVATOR

               Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There 
               is a shy quiet tension here.

                                     EVA
                         Tell me, how long have the others 
                         been here?

                                     TED
                         About an hour.

               Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her 
               bags in.

               IN THE SUITE

               The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing 
               palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-
               earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva 
               enters.

                                     ATHENA
                         You are very late, Eva.

                                     EVA
                         I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a 
                         birth and the placenta was late in 
                         coming.

               Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then 
               takes it back.

                                     EVA
                         Oh, wait, lemme give you a little 
                         more than that...

               Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change 
               purse.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Which birth is more important to 
                         you, that of a mortal or that of a 
                         goddess?

                                     EVA
                         All life is precious... but I do 
                         apologize for being late, Elspeth.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Back home, they jist yank on the 
                         umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on 
                         the mama's belly, and them things 
                         come right out.

                                     EVA
                         They do that here, too, Jezebel, in 
                         the hospitals, but it causes 
                         hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl 
                         of comfrey tea and it brought the 
                         afterbirth down perfectly. The couple 
                         are going to use it for fertilizer 
                         to plant a lovely tree for their 
                         baby.

                                     KIVA
                         Oh wow -- if they were really back-
                         to-nature, they'd eat it, like other 
                         mammals do.

               CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.

                                     RAVEN
                         In some Native American cultures, 
                         they dry the umbilical cord, grind 
                         it to a fine powder, and put it in a 
                         leather pouch that the baby wears to 
                         ward off evil. But burying the 
                         placenta is also a very sound 
                         ecological practice -- 'cause of the 
                         oxygen it carries.

                                     EVA
                              (cheerfully to the 
                              others)
                         Yes -- because you see when the 
                         placenta detaches from the uterine 
                         wall...

                                     TED
                              (wincing in disgust)
                         Uh, thank you, ladies -- I'll be 
                         going now. If you need anything --

               Eva places a nice tip in his palm.

                                     ATHENA
                         Wait. We do need a few things.

               Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She 
               kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, 
               and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on 
               the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on 
               pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from 
               the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone 
               to materialize into the garments.

                                     ATHENA
                         We need fresh rosemary from the 
                         kitchen. Mostly what we need is from 
                         the kitchen. Hey, are you listening?

               Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, yeah, rosemary.

                                     ATHENA
                         And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher 
                         salt if you don't got no sea salt. A 
                         bottle of spring water -- Italian 
                         please, not French shit.

                                     KIVA
                         And some french fries!

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva, shut up.

                                     ATHENA
                              (irritated)
                         And some ginger, two of the eyes of 
                         a trout fish, and a piece of raw 
                         meat, liver if you have it.

                                     KIVA
                              (whining)
                         I want fries -- you dumb jerks with 
                         your stupid fucking ritual!

                                     ATHENA
                         Shut up, you little shit.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Don't talk to her that way!

               Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at 
               this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He 
               turns, points at Eva.

               Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as 
               she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing 
               connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning 
               with dizziness. Athena smirks.

                                     ATHENA
                         Get to work, man.

               Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs 
               off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their 
               most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or 
               vials.

               Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction 
               of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, 
               with her feet dipping irreverently in the water.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva...

                                     KIVA
                         What?

                                     ELSPETH
                         You have to go in the next room now.

                                     KIVA
                         Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I 
                         can't watch.
                              (whining at Elspeth)
                         I'm bored!

                                     ELSPETH
                         UP!

               She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her 
               feet.

                                     KIVA
                         Don't put me in there by myself. 
                         I'll miss you way too much.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Kiva, don't do this to me.

               Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of 
               the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly.

                                     KIVA
                         Please... if you just lemme... I'll 
                         play dress-up with you, the way you 
                         like it... you know what I mean... 
                         remember...?

               Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. 
               Kiva pours on softer seduction.

                                     KIVA
                         We can pretend and I'll do it 
                         exactly... the way you want it... 
                         with the egg whites and the kilt.

               Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and 
               presses it lightly on her face.

                                     ELSPETH
                         You mean... like last week?

               Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" 
               sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this 
               side of her life -- in front of her coven. She nervously 
               looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted 
               Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an 
               impatient and stern Athena.

               Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.

                                     ELSPETH
                         We'll talk about this later, Kiva.

                                     KIVA
                              (angrily)
                         No!

               She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her 
               arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Aw, really now -- child abuse?

                                     ELSPETH
                         You stay outta this!

                                     ATHENA
                         I demand this stop now, Elspeth!

               Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.

                                     KIVA
                         I'm running away from you!

                                     ELSPETH
                         Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your 
                         parole officer and she'll find you 
                         and send you back to Eastlake!

               Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.

                                     ATHENA
                         Now that the fucking melodrama is 
                         over, can we start the goddamn ritual --
                         pleeze?

               Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her 
               shoes. They anoint themselves with oils.

                                     ATHENA
                         We are communing here on New Year's 
                         Eve to bring to life the great goddess 
                         Diana, who was turned to stone in 
                         this very room forty years ago today.

               The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to 
               sway within the circle.

                                     ATHENA
                         Diana, great beautiful one, we make 
                         these offerings to you, that we may 
                         undo the wicked spell which deprived 
                         you of the seed of your lover, your 
                         virginal blood, of your very life. 
                         We now form the symbolic rock with 
                         our bodies.

               And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies 
               gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly 
               they start to unfold from the rock.

               The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the 
               Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of 
               clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.

               They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the 
               semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is 
               Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself 
               between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a 
               bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.

                                     ATHENA
                         On this night, in this hour, we Call 
                         upon the Ancient Power O Goddess 
                         bride, I offer thee Milk from a 
                         mother's sweet titty!

               Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on 
               the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now 
               steps forward with her offering in a vial.

                                     ELSPETH
                         To reverse the evil which has been 
                         done I make this offering to the 
                         Divine One A whore not, an innocent 
                         was, For whom I seized a virgin's 
                         blood.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, 
                         To undo this awful spell is a real 
                         must. To bring you life and get you 
                         high I offer the sweat of five men's 
                         thighs.

               The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her 
               offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. 
               Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She 
               unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor.

                                     RAVEN
                         Diana, oh great one, we live without 
                         sun Until this wicked curse is undone. 
                         In hope that you live, and to us 
                         appear, I have collected a year's 
                         worth of tears.

               She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's 
               Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the 
               altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting 
               for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she 
               goes.

               Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle 
               with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to 
               incant.

                                     EVA
                         Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will, 
                         I was to bring fresh sperm from my 
                         Bill. I had him erect, and his semen 
                         would follow But alas I was hot, so 
                         hot that I swallowed.

               The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena 
               opens her eyes, wildly.

                                     ATHENA
                         You stupid little witch! You swallowed 
                         the sperm! Aye-yi--yi!

               Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.

                                     ELSPETH
                         It just shows what an amazing lack 
                         of control you have over yourself, 
                         Eva!

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Honey, why didn't you just use your 
                         hands? Didn't your mama teach you 
                         not to put them things in your mouth?

                                     RAVEN
                         I understand though...

               Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.

                                     ATHENA
                         There is no time to cry over swallowed 
                         sperms. You're gonna have to get 
                         some, baby. You have one hour to 
                         prove what kind of witch you really 
                         are.

               Just then: a knock at the door.

                                     ATHENA
                              (calling out)
                         What do you want?!

                                     TED
                         Ted... the bellboy.

               Athena smiles and turns to Eva.

                                     ATHENA
                         Mr. Bellboy, come right in!

               Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the 
               fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all 
               except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed.

               Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, 
               not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers 
               her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks 
               away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. 
               Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels 
               in the cart.

                                     TED
                         Here's the things you asked for. Oh, 
                         and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna 
                         pick the eyes outta this dead fish.

               He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes 
               into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. 
               She smirks at him comtemptuously.

                                     ATHENA
                              (handing Ted 50 bucks)
                         Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar 
                         tip, only, you have to do one more 
                         thing... make our little Eva smile. 
                         Can you? We'll leave you alone.
                              (to Eva, firmly)
                         And don't use your mouth!

               The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her 
               watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The 
               door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He 
               covers her with a shawl.

               IN THE HALLWAY

               The other witches listen at the door.

                                     ELSPETH
                         If she doesn't get his goop in ten 
                         minutes, I'm going to take him myself.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Ha! That'll be a first for you.

                                     ELSPETH
                         Oh shit -- Kiva!

               She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already 
               sneaking out the bedroom door.

                                     ELSPETH
                         And just where do you think you're 
                         going?

                                     KIVA
                         Well, gawd -- I need a candy bar or 
                         something -- you haven't fed me all 
                         day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood 
                         sugar's really low.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Elspeth -- honestly now -- some 
                         babysitter you're turnin' out ta be!

                                     ATHENA
                         Enough, girls. I will collect fresh 
                         earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather 
                         damp moss. Raven, you bring me a 
                         birch branch.

               Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back 
               here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get 
               this guy off.

               The witches disperse.

               INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT

               Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in 
               front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. 
               But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly.

                                     TED
                         Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this 
                         fifty bucks!

                                     EVA
                         Oh look, they don't care if I smile 
                         or not! All they want is...

               Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.

                                     EVA
                         You won't understand, believe me.

               She begins to cry tearfully again.

                                     TED
                         Try me. I've been around, y'know.

               He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him 
               helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain.

                                     EVA
                         Well... okay. The five of us -- 
                         Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and 
                         me -- are a coven.

                                     TED
                         Ha, like a coven of witches?

                                     EVA
                         Yes.

                                     TED
                              (stunned)
                         Oh.

               He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, 
               jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven 
               into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that 
               can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up.

                                     TED
                         I knew that!

                                     EVA
                              (getting calmer)
                         And you see, our coven has spent 
                         forty years trying to perfect a ritual 
                         to undo a wicked curse put on our 
                         goddess Diana.

                                     TED
                         Gee, you don't look a day over twenty!

                                     EVA
                         Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches 
                         before us tried and failed. But 
                         Athena, our High Priestess, discovered 
                         a great potion to reverse the evil 
                         spell which turned our beautiful 
                         goddess into an old rock.

                                     TED
                              (looking at the rock)
                         Yeah? Is... is that her?

               Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.

                                     EVA
                         She was a beautiful virgin. An 
                         entertainer by trade, but a great 
                         sorceress by design. It was here in 
                         this very room, on her wedding night, 
                         a jealous rival placed the curse on 
                         Diana.

                                     TED
                         She turned to -- that -- here?

                                     EVA
                         Yes... and her young husband turned 
                         into a pink fish! They found him 
                         swimming in the pool in circles. 
                         While our dear goddess: a stone in 
                         her honeymoon bed.

               Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from 
               the altar and hands it to Ted.

                                     EVA
                         This was Diana.

               CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page 
               attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl 
               in bondage with a spiked high heel.

                                     TED
                         This girl here? This is the goddess 
                         Diana?

               The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the 
               girl and unties her.

               She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap 
               and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break 
               into a cheek-to-cheek tango.

               CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing 
               tricks on him?

                                     TED
                         I hate to tell you this, but I kinda 
                         doubt she was a virgin.

                                     EVA
                         Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but 
                         she saved that for marriage. Which 
                         is the example I've tried to follow: 
                         to do everything but that till I 
                         marry...

               She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.

                                     TED
                         Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare 
                         and beautiful thing. If you say she 
                         was a virgin, I'll believe it.

                                     EVA
                         Well, it doesn't matter now... and 
                         she won't be resurrected tonight 
                         'cause I failed her. I let my whole 
                         coven down!

                                     TED
                         Wait a sec -- that rock was gonna 
                         turn back into this?

               He holds up the photo. Eva nods.

                                     TED
                         Now, that would be something worth 
                         seeing!

                                     EVA
                         Only, not now -- we were each supposed 
                         to bring something -- a life fluid.

                                     TED
                              (wincing in disgust)
                         If this is gonna be like one of those 
                         afterbirth conversations, I don't 
                         think I wanna hear this.

                                     EVA
                         Only... I swallowed it...

                                     TED
                         You swallowed what?

               Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened 
               now.

                                     TED
                         You mean, you were supposed to 
                         bring... like... like a guy's... and 
                         you...?

               She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.

                                     EVA
                         And now, you're my last chance!

                                     TED
                              (laughing)
                         Yeah, sure.
                              (then -- panic)
                         Whoa, what? You want my -- for the -- 
                         witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way -- 
                         nope. Besides, it's against hotel 
                         policy. I was warned: "No sex with 
                         the clientele"!

               Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her 
               lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He 
               keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a 
               ritualistic shuffle.

                                     TED
                         Ha, c'mon now, joke's over.
                              (seeing this is no 
                              joke)
                         Hey, we're gonna step in the flea 
                         powder.

                                     EVA
                         That's not flea powder, that's sacred 
                         dust ground from the horns of Albino 
                         goats.

                                     TED
                         Right! I knew that!

               He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, 
               soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on 
               him, as he tries to resist her gaze.

                                     TED
                         What's a nice girl like you doing in 
                         a coven, anyway?

                                     EVA
                         Well, see, what I really want to do 
                         is be a midwife. I've attended four 
                         births already! I can prevent vaginal 
                         tears and everything.

                                     TED
                              (trying to dodge her 
                              hexing eyes)
                         Well, that's a good thing! A guy 
                         doesn't like surprises down there.

               All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.

                                     EVA
                         I joined the coven to attain greater 
                         understanding of my feminine power 
                         so I could become a truly great 
                         midwife!

                                     TED
                              (the hex working now)
                         Oh, well, I see you've been gaining 
                         a lot of insight into your... girl 
                         powers...

               Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.

                                     EVA
                         Do you really think so?

                                     TED
                              (buckling under the 
                              temptation)
                         Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be 
                         the case...
                              (she licks his neck; 
                              his eyes roll back 
                              heavenly)
                         Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me!

                                     EVA
                         Who's Betty -- your girlfriend?

                                     TED
                         No. My boss.

                                     EVA
                         Oh good!

                                     TED
                         Oh no!

               They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She 
               moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT

               Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. 
               Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva 
               runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her 
               shawl. She passes him a card.

                                     EVA
                         My phone number in Topanga. Call me?

                                     TED
                              (cocky)
                         Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a 
                         call.

               She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving 
               with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her 
               blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to 
               Raven, who carries a birch limb.

                                     KIVA
                         What's that used for?

                                     RAVEN
                         It's a birch branch, symbolizing 
                         eternal life. You can also use the 
                         bark for a tea which assists in astral 
                         travel.

                                     KIVA
                         Hey -- I wanna be a witch!

               The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. 
               Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the 
               hall. The witches run inside the room.

               IN THE SUITE

               Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.

                                     EVA
                         I'm a woman now!

                                     ATHENA
                         But where is his "stuff"?

                                     EVA
                              (pointing to the 
                              Jacuzzi)
                         We did it right there, in the big 
                         cauldron!

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore 
                         tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you 
                         that water strips a girl's 
                         lubrication?

                                     RAVEN
                         Sex in water is great in the movies, 
                         not in real life... but you will 
                         learn. As we all did.

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Yeah, when she can't walk...
                              (to Elspeth)
                         I guess you wouldn't have those kinds 
                         of problems -- without penetration.

                                     ELSPETH
                         No. And virtually no cervical cancer, 
                         either.

                                     ATHENA
                         Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 
                         101, let's get going with our ritual, 
                         goddammit.

               Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts 
               again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we 
               see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick 
               look at the tape, looks at the other witches -- not sure she 
               likes this -- but she goes with it. The witches sway in a 
               circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.

                                     EVA
                         Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism 
                         of one I wooed for you That you may 
                         live and know such bliss Of getting 
                         laid by a guy like this.

               The witches all incant.

                                     ALL OF THE WITCHES
                         So must it be. Three times three 
                         times three.

               They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. 
               The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; 
               the potion bubbles over.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               HOURS LATER

               Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of 
               Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches 
               pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly 
               under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much 
               for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.

                                     ATHENA
                         I don't understand what went wrong.

                                     ELSPETH
                         I say Eva pulled one over on us.

                                     EVA
                         What?

                                     JEZEBEL
                         Honey -- Eva was wearing the face of 
                         someone just fucked good... and the 
                         best actress in this world, or any 
                         other, can't fake a thing like that!

                                     ELSPETH
                         Exactly -- if she was fucked so good, 
                         how could she save his come?

                                     RAVEN
                         It could be done...

                                     ATHENA
                         Girls, knock it off.
                              (she looks up from 
                              the book)
                         Maybe... maybe it needed to be the 
                         sperm of a virgin male.

                                     EVA
                              (dreamily)
                         He was no virgin!

               The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in 
               thought, strokes the slab.

                                     ATHENA
                         Let's leave her here, with the sword, 
                         until dawn. I will come back for her 
                         before checkout time. I just... feel 
                         too sad to carry her away before the 
                         sun comes up to warm her.

               They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.

                                     JEZEBEL
                              (cuddling her cat)
                         I can't believe we have to carry our 
                         own bags out! My mama would have a 
                         hissy fit!

                                     KIVA
                              (flirtatiously)
                         I'll carry your bags.

                                     ELSPETH
                              (firmly)
                         You're carrying my bags!

               They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as 
               she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought 
               perhaps a little sore -- "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena 
               takes one last look at their goddess slab.

                                     ATHENA
                         Next year, we try again -- with virgin 
                         sperm.

               She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New 
               Year's Eve!).

               FADE TO BLACK.

                                        FOUR ROOMS

               FADE UP ON:

               INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT

               Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.

                                     TED
                         Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do 
                         you want milk and cookies, or do you 
                         not?
                              (pause)
                         I can't turn on an adult station 
                         without permission from your parents.
                              (pause, he checks his 
                              computer)
                         That's not what the machine tells 
                         me.
                              (pause)
                         You be good and you'll get milk and 
                         cookies, but for now leave me alone, 
                         please. I'll be up later to put you 
                         both to sleep.

               He hangs up.

                                     TED
                              (to himself)
                         Goddamn kids.

               SUPER: 1:00 a.m.

               The phone rings again.

                                     TED
                         Room Service.

               INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT

               A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in 
               on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         What room am I in?

               INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

               BACK AND FORTH

                                     TED
                         This is the front desk, sir.

               The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real 
               Theodore.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         What room are we in?

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         How should I know? I just got here.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                              (into phone)
                         You know, don't you have one of those 
                         light things?

                                     TED
                         If you care to go to the door and 
                         look on the other side, you'll find 
                         the room number.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                              (to Real Theodore)
                         Call my assistant and ask her what 
                         floor we're on.

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         Who's your assistant?

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         The girl you party with every night.

                                     REAL THEODORE
                              (to himself)
                         Who?

                                     TED
                         I'm here alone, sir.

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         It's room 404, I think.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         I could have sworn we were on the 
                         fifth floor.

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         Right. 404.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                              (into phone)
                         Right. 404.

                                     TED
                         What do you need, sir?

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                              (to Real Theodore)
                         What do we need?

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         Ice.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         Ice?

                                     REAL THEODORE
                         Ice.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                              (into phone)
                         Ice.

                                     TED
                         Ice.

                                     YUPPIE SCUM
                         Yeah. Ice.

                                     TED
                         Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with 
                         you momentarily.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               STORY TITLE CARD:

                                         ROOM 404
                                     "THE WRONG MAN"

               INT. DARK HALLWAY

               Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner 
               of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He 
               pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something 
               like "Room 404."

               Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown 
               and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark 
               room.

               INT. ROOM

                                     TED
                         Anybody home?

               A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.

                                     MAN'S VOICE
                         No one here but us chickens.

                                     TED
                         Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.

                                     MAN'S VOICE
                         What do you expect, Theodore, a 
                         fuckin' floor show?

                                     TED
                         Do I know you?

                                     MAN'S VOICE
                         I don't know. Do you?

               In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring 
               down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, 
               cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands 
               a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile 
               and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried 
               isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits 
               a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. 
               Ted drops the bucket to the floor.

                                     TED
                         I brought your ice.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         That's cute. In fact, the whole 
                         getup's kind of cute. The monkey 
                         suit's a nice touch, honey puss.

                                     TED
                         This has to be a mistake. Is this 
                         room 404?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Theodore? What do you take me for, 
                         Theodore?

                                     TED
                         A very upset man?

               Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of 
               assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like 
               they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, 
               gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (to Angela)
                         I am an upset man, Theodore.

                                     TED
                         How do you know my name, sir?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I'm psychic, Theodore.

                                     TED
                         Look my name is Ted, actually, and I 
                         have no idea what's going on here, 
                         but I've obviously come at a bad 
                         time.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Let's not belabor the fact that you 
                         have no sense of timing, Theodore. 
                         The fact is you're here.

               Sigfried turns to Angela.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         And I couldn't think of a better 
                         time for you to introduce me to your 
                         beau than on New Year's Eve.

                                     TED
                         Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're 
                         fucking wrong here. My name is 
                         Theodore, yes! My mother named me 
                         that and I hate the name. But I'm a 
                         fucking bellhop. People call me Ted. 
                         I work here.

               Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his 
               pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. 
               Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Look, I'd love to sit here all night 
                         with you talking about things like 
                         when you broke in your first mitt --
                              (pause)
                         That was insensitive of me, wasn't 
                         it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut 
                         to the chase, okay?

                                     TED
                         Okay.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         So apologize!

               A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who 
               can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants.

                                     TED
                         For what?

               Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         You are really beginning to annoy 
                         me, Theodore.

               Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.

                                     TED
                         Look, obviously you two are working 
                         something out and if I could help 
                         you with your problem I would.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         What are you saying? Are you saying 
                         I got a problem? Are you trying to 
                         say I don't give her what she needs? 
                         That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!

                                     TED
                         Look, is this about another man? Or 
                         something?

               Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings 
               drastically; he bends down next to Ted.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Let's get our ABC's right, here, 
                         Theodore. Theodore, right?

                                     TED
                         Ted's better.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife 
                         cheats on me?

                                     TED
                         I didn't say that... I...

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, 
                         this is about as intimate a situation 
                         as you can get, you, me, and Angela 
                         here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing 
                         of how stupid an idea it is to lie 
                         to a man with a loaded gun without 
                         considering the possible response. I 
                         demand an apology!

               The phone rings.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Don't move. I've got to take this.

               Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (into phone)
                         What?
                              (pause)
                         We ain't got any needles here, kid. 
                         Just a big fucking gun.

               He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (to Ted)
                         Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember.

               Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I want you to pray for forgiveness, 
                         Theodore.

               Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the 
               same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, 
               but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a 
               look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         Now say after me, "I apologize..."

                                     TED
                         I apologize...

                                     SIGFRIED
                         For what?

               Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with 
               intense, wide-open eyes.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         For fucking what?

                                     TED
                         That I said you might have been 
                         unfaithful?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         "That I said you might have been 
                         unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're 
                         in church here... you're kneeling in 
                         front of an altar. Truth... truth is 
                         all it hears. Say the following, "I, 
                         Theodore, must humbly and sincerely 
                         apologize for saying that you fucked 
                         another man!"

               Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have 
               a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, 
               turning his face to Angela.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         Satisfied?

               Angela nods.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         Do you accept the fucking apology?

               Naturally, Angela says nothing.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         You always gotta get the last word, 
                         don't you? It's one way with you, 
                         Angela, isn't it? I give and I give 
                         and I get nothing back.

               Sigfried turns to Ted.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         She just sits there waiting for me 
                         to jump through hoops...

               Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with 
               bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         Stupid me, for a second I thought 
                         you were going to say something... 
                         something like, "I'm sorry." HA! 
                         "I'm sorry." You're absolutely right, 
                         love cakes, I wouldn't want it that 
                         way. That's one thing you can say 
                         about Angela. She'll never do anything 
                         she doesn't want to do. If the feeling 
                         ain't there, she just isn't going to 
                         do it. There is nothing in this world 
                         as fucked as a woman who gives when 
                         she doesn't want to. Never let that 
                         happen to you, Theodore. It makes 
                         you feel very little indeed.

               Ted beckons Sigfried.

                                     TED
                         You mind if I...?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Go ahead. Spit it out.

                                     TED
                         I don't mean to upset you further, 
                         sir, but I think she was trying to 
                         say yes.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Are you condescending to me, Theodore?

                                     TED
                         Absolutely not, I would never do 
                         that.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Why don't you just say it?

                                     TED
                         Say what?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         That you think I'm an idiot.

                                     TED
                         I would never say that.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         You think you're superior to me, 
                         don't ya, Theodore? You don't think 
                         I notice there is a gag in the woman's 
                         mouth.

                                     TED
                         Of course you do.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Naturally "of course." And do you 
                         know how I know that?

                                     TED
                         How, sir?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! 
                         I'm gonna let you in on a little 
                         secret about communication, Theodore. 
                         It's all in the eyes...
                              (points the gun at 
                              Ted)
                         Him?
                              (turns the gun on 
                              himself)
                         Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's 
                         drag it out.

               Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving 
               the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing 
               into the bathroom.

               INT. ROOM

               Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela 
               implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: 
               His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the 
               fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted 
               paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to 
               get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what 
               appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point 
               and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela 
               spits an old sock out.

                                     TED
                         What!

                                     ANGELA
                         We don't have time to play charades 
                         here, asshole! Untie me quick.

                                     TED
                         Listen, lady, I don't know what in 
                         the hell is going on here, but I'd 
                         appreciate it if you would explain 
                         to that nutcase that he's making a 
                         big mistake.

                                     ANGELA
                         Look, whether you like it or not, 
                         you're in the middle of a situation 
                         here you can't just wish your way 
                         out of.

                                     TED
                         But I've never seen you people before, 
                         we're complete strangers.

                                     ANGELA
                         Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, 
                         it's where we end up that counts. 
                         Hurry up.

               Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or 
               not.

                                     TED
                         I don't know if I can do this. It's 
                         too hard.

                                     ANGELA
                         Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped 
                         to consider how many times you change 
                         your underwear in a lifetime?

               On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.

                                     ANGELA
                         I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.

                                     TED
                         What?

                                     ANGELA
                         Forget it, listen to me. There's a 
                         gun in my suitcase behind the bed, 
                         it's loaded...

                                     TED
                         I'm not going to shoot anybody.

                                     ANGELA
                         Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot 
                         "anybody."

                                     TED
                         And make me an accessory in the murder 
                         of your husband?

               Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.

                                     TED
                         That's not fair. It just isn't fair.

                                     ANGELA
                         Get a fucking grip on yourself. First 
                         off, who says he's my husband? And 
                         second, we are a long way from fair 
                         here, fair is back in jolly old 
                         England eatin' crumpets and sipping 
                         on tea.

               Ted collects himself.

                                     TED
                         Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, 
                         maybe there are two sides to this 
                         thing.

                                     ANGELA
                         There are two sides to a plate, still 
                         you only eat off of one. Now GET THE 
                         GUN!

                                     TED
                         So why's he got you tied up?

                                     ANGELA
                         I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!

               Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.

                                     ANGELA
                         Come on, Ted. Come over here just 
                         for a minute. You can do it. Come 
                         on, Ted. You look like a good guy.

               Ted creeps towards her.

                                     ANGELA
                         That's it, Teddy. You look so much 
                         more attractive when you're self-
                         assured.

               Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the 
               bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she-
               boom."

                                     ANGELA
                              (she panics)
                         Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag 
                         back in, and remember the gun!

               Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.

                                     TED
                         Nine thousand, three hundred and 
                         twenty-two times, to the best of my 
                         estimation.

               INT. ROOM

               Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips 
               around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to 
               the bathroom.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I was just beginning to think I could 
                         trust you, Theodore. Silly me.

               Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.

                                     TED
                         I was just trying to help her breathe 
                         a little.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You 
                         don't mind me calling you Teddy, do 
                         you?

                                     TED
                         That's fine.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I used to have a little bunny rabbit 
                         named Teddy, it looked real cute 
                         nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem 
                         here is you're no bunny rabbit, 
                         Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes 
                         me to picture you doin' it. But don't 
                         let me stop you, Teddy... no need to 
                         play sneaky-poo.

               Ted starts to back toward the door.

                                     TED
                         Look, man, if this is some kind of 
                         Voodoo thing and you want me to have 
                         sex with your wife, there is 
                         absolutely no way.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (shouts at the top of 
                              his lungs)
                         I said, nibble, asshole! Now!

               The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND 
               of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. 
               Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy 
               makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he 
               closes in, Angela's eyes close.

                                     TED
                              (whispers)
                         Sorry, lady.

               Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         What's the matter, no whiz left in 
                         the cheese? I'm not cramping your 
                         style, am I?

                                     TED
                         Look, I'm not playing this game 
                         anymore.

               Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         It's almost all over, Theodore, and 
                         soon you can go home to Mommy.

               Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear 
               hug and blasts out the following monologue.

                                     TED
                         My name is not Theodore, it's TED, 
                         TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT 
                         TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes, 
                         my mother did me the service of naming 
                         me Theodore and I haven't a clue as 
                         to how you know that because everyone 
                         who knows that lives a long way away 
                         from here. Do you have any idea what 
                         it's like to go to school where all 
                         the other kids' parents are in jail 
                         doing time for crimes like grand 
                         larceny, aggravated assault, burglary 
                         and murder, and you get stuck with a 
                         mother who names you Theodore and 
                         dressed you up in little matching 
                         pink outfits with, get this, a little 
                         blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll 
                         tell you what happens. Pretty soon 
                         Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," 
                         and when Theo the Thumper gets old 
                         enough, he packs his bags and goes 
                         thousands of miles away where he can 
                         put the whole bloody mess behind 
                         him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me 
                         now, because no one is going to call 
                         me that again. My name is Ted, okay? 
                         Got it? TED!

               Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. 
               He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Sigfried.

                                     TED
                         What?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         My name is Sigfried.

                                     TED
                         Sigfried?

               Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Yah, Sigfried.

                                     TED
                         Nice to meet you, Sigfried.

               Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the 
                         Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid. 
                         Ted it will be.

                                     TED
                         Thanks.

               Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant 
               fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled 
               countdown signal that it's New Year's.

               Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of 
               nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's 
               mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really 
               getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. 
               He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he 
               flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all 
               over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve 
               while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun.

                                     TED
                         You okay, mister? I'll get help!

               Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at 
               Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom.

                                     TED
                              (continuing)
                         That's the wrong door, sir.

               Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the 
               gun into his crotch.

               Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Get me the nitro... it's in the 
                         bathroom cabinet. Now!

               Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling 
               mess behind.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME

               Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an 
               earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. 
               An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills 
               are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to 
               hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked 
               "Nitro." No luck.

               Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.

               He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.

               Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm 
               through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in 
               the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet-
               bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the 
               apartment.

                                     SIGFRIED (O.S.)
                              (shouting in the 
                              distance)
                         It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, 
                         I'm fucking dying here!

               EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT

               Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. 
               It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water 
               in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass 
               off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the 
               witches' room from the floor below.

               EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT

               Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her 
               name out, to no avail.

               The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for 
               help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang 
               there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have 
               found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably 
               everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody 
               hand print. It's not his blood.

               EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT

               Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, 
               spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag 
               on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. 
               After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself.

                                     TED
                         Hi...

               No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is 
               drained from his face and he is mumbling something.

                                     TED
                         Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation 
                         that I can't even begin to explain, 
                         but would you be so kind as to get 
                         help? Could you call the police, 
                         please?

               Silence.

                                     TED
                              (continuing)
                         You okay?

               The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before 
               hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's 
               strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the 
               bathroom. He falls back on the floor.

               He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices 
               something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks 
               into the bedroom.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER

               Ted looks around the still room. No one's there.

                                     TED
                         Sigfried?

               He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his 
               eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out 
               on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. 
               Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag 
               from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him.

                                     ANGELA
                         Where's the fucking nitro?

                                     TED
                         I couldn't find it!

                                     ANGELA
                         You took long enough. Untie me, for 
                         Christ's sake, you fucking upset him 
                         and he's dying.

               Ted struggles to untie Angela.

                                     TED
                         I thought you wanted to kill him.

                                     ANGELA
                         You'd make a great cop, Theodore.

               The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie.

                                     TED
                         I can't handle this alone, I'd better 
                         get help.

               Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been 
               taking in the whole conversation.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, 
                         Ted?

                                     TED
                         Thank God you're okay...

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Never felt better.

               Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back.

                                     ANGELA
                         You bastard!

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (to Angela)
                         Come on, honey, don't get mad. It 
                         was just a little test, and I'm glad 
                         I did it because now I'll know forever 
                         that you really do love me. Truly 
                         and deeply.

                                     ANGELA
                         If the simple fact that I didn't 
                         want your bloated, dead body lying 
                         out on the floor is love, then no 
                         wonder we find ourselves as we are 
                         at this very fucking moment.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Oh, no. I heard you and there was 
                         genuine care in that voice. Can't be 
                         denied. Can it, Ted?

                                     TED
                         I think you're right and, if you 
                         just keep this kind of open dialogue 
                         going, you'll go a long way to 
                         resolving this misunderstanding.

               Ted edges his way toward the door.

                                     TED
                              (continuing)
                         You'd be surprised what happens when 
                         people just listen to each other 
                         without succumbing to all that pain 
                         and anger.

                                     ANGELA
                         You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for 
                         you to say after you fuck another 
                         man's wife. You should at least have 
                         the guts to stand by your convictions.

               Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope 
               of ever getting out of the room.

                                     TED
                         That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to 
                         God.

               Angela continues her tirade.

                                     ANGELA
                         When I think of all the times you 
                         were inside me promising me a better 
                         life, it makes me want to puke.

               Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's 
               chest.

                                     TED
                         Why are you doing this? What have I 
                         ever done to you people?

                                     ANGELA
                         What didn't you do, stick man? 
                         Unfortunately, you don't have the 
                         balls to back up the actions of your 
                         huge cock.

               The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest... his legs 
               weaken.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (whimpering)
                         He's got a huge cock?

                                     TED
                         She's lying again, mister. It's not 
                         that big.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Show it to me.

                                     TED
                         Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you 
                         see she's fucking with you?

                                     ANGELA
                         Put it this way, God made up for 
                         what he did to Gumby with Ted here.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Show it to me.

                                     ANGELA
                         Show him your cock, Theodore.

               Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Stop talking about his cock, will 
                         you?!

                                     ANGELA
                         It's hard to stop talking about 
                         something so huge. I could go on and 
                         on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, 
                         wang, thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, 
                         Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, 
                         salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, 
                         dink, tool, Big Ben, Mister Happy, 
                         prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee, 
                         wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, 
                         joint, hose, horn, middle-leg, third-
                         leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick.

               Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting 
               him pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, 
               covering his ears. Ted watches the man crumble.

                                     ANGELA
                              (continuing)
                         Junior, the little head, little guy, 
                         Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll. Snake, 
                         one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, 
                         shaft, sword, meat whistle, skin 
                         flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter, 
                         instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, 
                         cherrypicker, log, pole.

               Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop 
               the flow; she manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the 
               process. Meanwhile, Ted figures this to be his moment to 
               make a move and bolts for the door, only to be tackled by 
               Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two men 
               rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Please, don't leave me. I'll call 
                         you Ted from now on.

                                     TED
                         It's not me, mister, I swear.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Personally, I don't give a fuck, 
                         Ted, it's just I don't want to be 
                         alone right now. I'm feeling a little 
                         vulnerable.

               Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty 
               bottle of Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a 
               hit.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. 
                         You know my father used to say that 
                         forgiveness is the only thing that 
                         evil can't sink its teeth into.

                                     TED
                         That's beautiful.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Kind of nice down here on the floor, 
                         isn't it, Ted?

                                     TED
                         Yes, actually.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Things take on a whole new 
                         perspective... You'd like my trust, 
                         wouldn't you, Ted?

                                     TED
                         Yes I would.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         I just got one thing to ask you and 
                         I'll let you go.

                                     TED
                         Okay. Okay.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Tell me straight now.

                                     TED
                         What?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         What was it like?

                                     TED
                         What was what like?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         You know, you and her.

                                     TED
                         Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do 
                         you want me to say?

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Either way you're fucked, right? You 
                         ever gonna see her again, Theodore?

                                     TED
                         If I ever saw her again, I'd run the 
                         other way.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Promise?

                                     TED
                         I promise.

               Sigfried releases Ted and stands up.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         You're lying, but I can respect that, 
                         Ted. If you told me, it would no 
                         longer be a secret, and secrets have 
                         a power, kid. You open that box and 
                         they disappear forever. A bad secret 
                         will rip you apart, but the good one 
                         are all you got. In the end, when 
                         all the people you knew are dead and 
                         gone, all you'll have left are you 
                         secrets. And when you die, the box 
                         is open and it all blows away -- 
                         dust to dust -- all the anger, 
                         jealousy, desire and love just blow 
                         away.

               Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         So you know what I say, let's call 
                         it a truce, kiddo.

               Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open 
               window. Ted is overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice 
               and follows him to the window willingly.

               The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is 
                         all I live for.

                                     TED
                         I can see that.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Maybe to a fault.

                                     TED
                         Don't beat yourself up over it.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         That's nice of you to say, Ted, but 
                         I probably should make a clean break 
                         of it, cut her loose and get my own 
                         place. I just can't imagine living 
                         without her. Do you think I should 
                         seek professional help?

                                     TED
                         It's not for everyone, but maybe in 
                         your case it could help.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         You ever been out on the ocean at 
                         night?

               Ted shakes his head.

                                     SIGFRIED
                              (continuing)
                         I have... scary as a motherfucker, 
                         all that darkness around you. It's 
                         like a big black carpet rolled out 
                         as far as the eye can see. Sometimes, 
                         if you're lucky, you'll see a light. 
                         It could be as small as a little 
                         spark, but it will cut a path straight 
                         through all that blackness, straight 
                         to you. It could be another boat, or 
                         some distant fire on an island, but 
                         that light will shed a shining path 
                         of diamonds cutting through mile 
                         after mile of darkness to lie at 
                         your feet. That's love, Ted, it's 
                         like a path of light in an ocean of 
                         darkness.

               Ted and Sigfried stare out of the window in peace, transfixed 
               by the glimmering lights of the city. A loud SHOT rings out, 
               shattering the still moment. The two men spin around. Angela 
               stands there with a smoking gun hanging at her side.

               Sigfried drops to his knees. Ted checks him out, no blood. 
               Angela has fired the gun into the floor below. Ted looks up 
               at Angela. Angela opens the chamber of the pistol and hands 
               the bullets to Ted.

                                     ANGELA
                              (to Ted)
                         You'd better go check to see if I 
                         killed anybody downstairs.

               Sigfried is bent over, silently weeping on the floor.

                                     TED
                         You people gonna be okay?

               Angela sits next to Sigfried and gently strokes his back.

                                     ANGELA
                         We're fine, Ted.

               Ted points to a tray with half-eaten food on it.

                                     TED
                         Would you like me to...?

                                     ANGELA
                         Another time, Ted.

               Ted slowly walks toward the door and takes one last look at 
               the strange couple at rest in the corner of the room before 
               closing the door behind him.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. HALLWAY--MOMENTS LATER

               Ted walks down the hallway, lost in thought. An energetic 
               Young Guy with a bouquet of flowers plows into him.

                                     YOUNG GUY
                         Happy New Year, buddy.

                                     TED
                         Happy New Year.

                                     YOUNG GUY
                         I was just in room 404, what a party! 
                         You know where room 409 is at?

                                     TED
                         Beats me. It's somewhere around here.

               The guy takes off in the direction Ted's walking from. Ted 
               suddenly realizes who this guy is and whips around, shouting 
               to the Young Guy.

                                     TED
                              (continuing)
                         Hey, what's your name?

               The door SLAMS on room 409.

               FADE OUT

               FADE TO BLACK

               STORY TITLE CARD:

                                         ROOM 716
                                    "THE MISBEHAVERS"

               FADE UP

               THE FRONT DESK

               SUPER: 10:30 p.m.

               Ted is relaxing at the front desk. He breathes slowly. He 
               finally has one moment's peace after an already long night. 
               He even has a chance to straighten his tie.

               The phone RINGS.

                                     TED
                         Front desk.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               ROOM 716

               CLOSE-UP of a cigarette hanging out of a Man's mouth as he 
               speaks into the telephone.

                                     MAN
                         Bottle of Moet et Chandon. Fast.

               Man hangs up the phone and stubs out his cigarette into an 
               already overstuffed ashtray by the bed. Man turns around to 
               face the camera. He is a dark and handsome Latin male in his 
               mid-30s. Dangerous. Impatient.

               He walks toward the camera as he continues straightening his 
               tie.

               He stops at the door of the bathroom and watches his Wife 
               and two kids get ready for the party. Wife seems to be a 
               beautiful woman in her mid-30s. The children are Sarah, nine, 
               and Juancho, six.

               Man strikes up another cigarette and finishes his tie.

               He watches his Wife comb Juancho's hair down and to the side 
               like an idiot.

               Not being able to stand it anymore, Man tears Juancho away 
               from his Wife and snatches the comb.

                                     MAN
                         Give me that...

               Man begins to slick Juancho's hair back.

                                     MAN
                         There... see? You look cool with 
                         your hair up like this. Like me...

               Juancho is smiling now. He's happy he's going to look like 
               his dad.

                                     MAN
                         Not down and to the side, all stupid 
                         like your mom likes to comb it.

               Juancho looks over at Sarah, who is going through the tortuous 
               ritual of having her mother brush the tangles out of her 
               long, unmanageable hair.

               Wife seems to be taking out her aggressions on the tangled 
               mess.

               Man is starting to have problems of his own with Juancho's 
               hair. Juancho's hair is thinner than Man's, so it won't stay 
               up.

               Man puts down his cigarette in order to get a better handle 
               on it. We see the frustration growing in his face.

               Juancho picks up the cigarette and pretends he's smoking 
               too, just like his dad.

               Man tears the cigarette away from Juancho and smokes it down 
               to the filter. He looks at his own cool hair, and then down 
               at Juancho's, which won't stay up.

               Man flicks the cigarette butt into the toilet in frustration. 

                                     MAN
                         You've got your mother's hair.

               In anger, Man starts messing up Juancho's hair.

                                     MAN
                         I can't do anything with it.

               Furious, Man simply swipes Juancho's hair back down and to 
               the side, the way Wife had it before. Juancho looks like an 
               idiot again.

                                     MAN
                         There. Go.

               Juancho slouches past everyone as he exits the bathroom.

               Sarah watches him leave as her own hair is finished.

                                     WIFE
                              (putting a plastic 
                              clip in Sarah's hair)
                         There. Go.

               Sarah exits.

               Wife then finishes her own gorgeous hair. Man lights up a 
               new cigarette.

                                     WIFE
                              (mocking)
                         So, are we gonna have fun tonight?

               Man blows smoke in Wife's face as he walks out of the 
               bathroom.

                                     WIFE
                         I didn't think so.

               Sarah has joined Juancho in watching television.

               Man watches the children watch TV. We can see the wheels 
               turning in Man's head.

               He turns back to the bathroom.

               He watches Wife now. Wheels turning. Practically burning 
               rubber.

                                     MAN
                         Hey.

               Wife puts the lipstick down and turns to her husband. She is 
               beautiful.

                                     MAN
                              (shrugs)
                         Let's just leave the kids here.

               Wife glances out at the children, eyes glued to the tube.

                                     WIFE
                         Here in the room? By themselves?

                                     MAN
                         No... with the television.

               Wife thinks about it for a second. She shrugs a "sure."

                                     MAN
                         You want to have fun tonight, don't 
                         you?

                                     WIFE
                         Yes.

                                     MAN
                         They'll be fine.

               He kisses Wife's face and exits the bathroom. She covers the 
               wet spot with more cake makeup.

                                     MAN
                         Hey.

               The children turn to face him.

                                     MAN
                         You guys are going to stay here and 
                         watch TV.

               The children look at each other.

                                     MAN
                         I want you to be in bed asleep before 
                         twelve. Your mother and I will be 
                         back later on.

               Wife goes straight for the door.

                                     MAN
                         Okay?

               He blows one kiss. One for both of them.

               As Man and his Wife walk out the door, Man turns back to the 
               children...

                                     MAN
                         Don't misbehave.

               He closes the door.

               Sarah stands in the middle of the room. She's looking at the 
               door Man and Wife just disappeared through. Stunned.

               Her dress looks frilly and beautifully uncomfortable. She 
               touches the edges of the fabric.

                                     SARAH
                         Why did we have to get all dressed 
                         up if we weren't going with them?

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. HALLWAY

               Man and Wife are walking down the hall.

               Man stops in his tracks. Wife stops too and looks at Man. 
               They wait.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               ROOM 716

               Juancho shuts off the television. He drops the remote to the 
               floor. His attention is on the fireworks outside. He leaps 
               to the window and begins unlatching it.

                                     SARAH
                         What are you doing?

                                     JUANCHO
                         Escaping. Stinks in here, anyway.

               Man bursts through the door of the hotel room and stands in 
               the doorway, glaring at the mischievous Juancho.

               Juancho bangs his head on the window trying to get back 
               inside. He leaps to the floor and tries to turn on the TV 
               with the remote.

                                     MAN
                              (stern)
                         What did I say?

               Juancho turns to Man as if he'd been sitting there watching 
               television the whole time.

                                     MAN
                         Behave.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Yes, Papa.

               Ted appears at the door with Man's champagne.

                                     TED
                         The champagne you ordered, sir.

                                     MAN
                         No time for this. Leave it on ice.

               Ted proceeds to place the champagne in the room.

                                     WIFE
                         But I want some now...

               Ted is torn. Man pushes him into the room.

                                     MAN
                         There'll be plenty for you and the 
                         party, baby, you can bomb yourself 
                         all you want at the party.

                                     WIFE
                         What a waste.

               Ted places the bucket near the bed. After setting up the 
               bottle, he turns to leave, but now Man closes the door, 
               trapping Ted inside with them.

                                     MAN
                              (to Ted)
                         Hey.

               Ted looks around, bewildered. Now what?

               Man is reaching into his coat pocket.

                                     MAN
                         You want five hundred bucks?

                                     TED
                         Sure!

               Man hesitates a moment, then pulls out his wallet. That was 
               too easy.

                                     MAN
                         How about three?

                                     TED
                         Three hundred?

                                     MAN
                         Yeah.

                                     TED
                         Three's good.

                                     MAN
                         My children are staying here tonight 
                         watching TV. I want you to check up 
                         on them every thirty minutes.

                                     TED
                         Check up on 'em?

                                     MAN
                         Make sure they're all right, make 
                         sure they're fed, make sure they go 
                         to bed.

                                     TED
                         We can call out and hire a babysitter.

                                     MAN
                         I don't trust babysitters. My children 
                         are safer alone than with some fucked-
                         up pedophile babysitter I don't know 
                         from the man in the fucking moon.

                                     WIFE
                         What about him? What makes you think 
                         you can trust him?

               Man grabs Ted's face and tilts it torward Wife.

                                     MAN
                         Tell me that's not a face you can 
                         trust.

               Man lets go of Ted's face. He feels his jaw. It's still there.

                                     TED
                         Look, sir, I'd like to help you out, 
                         but I really can't. I'm all alone 
                         here tonight.

               Man whips out his wallet and counts out money in Ted's face.

                                     MAN
                         One hundred... two hundred... three 
                         hundred...

                                     TED
                         I thought you said five hundred.

               Man glares at Ted.

                                     MAN
                         I said three hundred.

               Ted doesn't back down.

                                     TED
                         No, you distinctly said five hundred.

               The angrier Man gets, the quieter he talks.

                                     MAN
                         You calling me a liar?

               Ted, while not backing down, massages the situation.

                                     TED
                         No, I'm not saying you're lying. I'm 
                         saying you accidentally forgot that 
                         what you first said was five hundred.

               Man has never been challenged like this by a fuckin' bellboy.

                                     MAN
                         I don't do anything accidentally, 
                         jerk. I might've first said five 
                         hundred, but what I last said was 
                         three hundred, and what you say last 
                         is what counts.

               Ted not only doesn't back down, but psychologically pokes 
               his finger in the scary Man's chest.

                                     TED
                         Well then, if you say five hundred 
                         one last time, we got a deal.

               Man's eyes narrow. He physically pokes his finger in Ted's 
               chest.

                                     MAN
                         You fuckin' with me, Pendejo?

               Now Ted takes a step backwards.

                                     TED
                         No, not at all. It's New Year's Eve 
                         and I'm here alone. If there was 
                         somebody else here, no problem, but 
                         I'm by myself. And looking after 
                         your kids is a pain in the ass I 
                         don't need --

                                     MAN
                         You callin' my kids a pain in the 
                         ass?

                                     TED
                         -- No, they're not a pain in the 
                         ass, it's the situation that's a 
                         pain in the ass.

               Man drops the tenseness.

                                     MAN
                         No, you were right the first time. 
                         You win, tough guy, five hundred.

               Man respects Ted for not backing down, but not insulting him 
               either. A skill Man never learned. Wife shoots a look at the 
               children.

                                     WIFE
                              (disgusted)
                         You kids are getting expensive.

               Juancho turns back to the TV.

               Sarah stares down Wife.

                                     MAN
                              (looking at name tag)
                         What's your name? Ted?

               CLOSE-UP of name tag.

                                     TED
                         Yeah. It's Ted.

               Man tears off Ted's name tag and throws it to children.

                                     MAN
                              (to the children)
                         His name is Ted. If you need anything, 
                         dial 0 and ask for Ted.

               Sarah catches the name tag and reads the name on it: "TED -- 
               BELLHOP."

               Sarah looks up at Ted. She clips the pin to her dress and 
               smiles shyly at him.

               Man puts the money in Ted's pocket and then grabs his ear, 
               pulling him close.

                                     MAN
                              (deadly whisper)
                         If something happens to my children, 
                         I wouldn't want to be you.

                                     WIFE
                         Make sure they're in bed before 
                         midnight.

                                     TED
                              (thinking)
                         Before midnight? Then should I wake 
                         them up for the countdown to the New 
                         Year?

               Wife looks disgusted.

                                     WIFE
                         No...

               As Man and Wife exit, he turns to the kids and says:

                                     MAN
                         Don't misbehave.

               Man closes the door.

               INT. HALLWAY

               Man and Wife book it down the hall before Ted can change his 
               mind.

               ROOM 716

               Ted is standing facing the door the Man and Wife just 
               disappeared through. He turns around slowly to face the 
               children.

               His eyes are wide. His face is quiet. Stern.

               The children are staring at him.

                                     TED
                         Okay. These are the rules. Don't 
                         break the rules and I won't break 
                         your necks.

               The kids look at each other.

                                     TED
                              (smiling)
                         I always wanted to say that. Someone 
                         said that to me when I was a kid.

               Sarah laughs at his joke.

                                     TED
                         Except they were joking. I'm not.

               Ted goes to the door.

                                     TED
                         The rules are simple. Don't do 
                         anything you wouldn't do if your 
                         parents were here. If there's an 
                         emergency, call me on the phone, 
                         like your dad said.

                                     SARAH
                         That's not what he said.

               Ted's surprised by a challenge this early in the game.

                                     SARAH
                         He said to call if we need anything.

                                     TED
                         Well, I've got a lot of work to do 
                         and I can't have you calling me every 
                         time you want a drink of water, so 
                         please limit your calls to emergencies 
                         only.

                                     SARAH
                         We paid you five hundred dollars. 
                         We'll call you if we need anything. 
                         You don't want to upset my dad.

                                     TED
                         Okay. Please. Try to call only when 
                         necessary. Watch TV, and if you're 
                         good, I'll bring up some milk and 
                         cookies. Bye.

               Ted leaves.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. HALLWAY

               Ted walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole 
               way.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. ROOM

               Juancho takes off his socks and shoes and throws them onto 
               the floor. Sarah looks at the discarded shoes and socks.

               CLOSE ON the shoes and socks.

               Sarah looks over at Juancho's bare feet. Her nose twitches.

                                     SARAH
                         Your feet stink.

               Juancho smells his feet.

                                     JUANCHO
                         They don't stink.

               Sarah throws his shoes and socks behind her. They land on 
               the bed.

               Juancho is flipping channels and finds an interesting show.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Check it out. T & A.

               Sarah realizes he found a Nudie station.

                                     SARAH
                         Change it. You're not supposed to 
                         watch this.

                                     JUANCHO
                         We're supposed to watch TV.

                                     SARAH
                         Not this kind of TV. Change it.

               Juancho rolls up in a ball, the remote tucked in some recess 
               of his stomach.

               Sarah hits him, then goes to the phone. She punches 0, sits 
               on the bed, and checks the name on the name tag pinned to 
               her shirt.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               FRONT DESK

               Ted walks up to the front desk just as the phone rings.

                                     TED
                         Front desk.

               INT. ROOM

               Sarah is taking off her white winter tights.

                                     SARAH
                         Ted? Hi. It's me, Sarah. You're our 
                         sitter for tonight.

                                     TED
                         Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? I 
                         said if you don't bother me, you'll 
                         get milk and cookies. Now, do you 
                         want them or do you not?

                                     SARAH
                         I want you to turn off the Nudie 
                         station in our room.

               Ted checks the computer.

                                     TED
                              (reading stats on 
                              room 716)
                         I can't turn on an adult station 
                         without permission from your parents.

                                     SARAH
                         No.
                              (struggling with winter 
                              tights)
                         Not turn it on, turn it off. It's 
                         already on.

                                     TED
                         That's not what the machine tells 
                         me.

                                     SARAH
                         Well, stop listening to the machine 
                         and listen to me. There's naked ladies 
                         dancing on my TV and I want 'em off.

                                     TED
                         If you're good, you'll get milk and 
                         cookies, so leave me alone, please. 
                         I'll be up later to put you both to 
                         sleep.

               He hangs up.

               ROOM 716

               Angry, Sarah slams down the phone. She has an unusually adult 
               temper. We know where she gets it from. She looks up and 
               sees that the nudies are still in full force.

                                     SARAH
                         Change the channel, now!

               Juancho turns around. He has a face like someone just laid a 
               fart in his nose.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Man, you're the one with the stinky 
                         feet.

               Sarah smells her feet. Twice.

                                     SARAH
                         They don't stink.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Yeah, they do.

                                     SARAH
                         Here, smell for yourself.

               She sticks her foot out for Juancho to smell. He's reluctant. 
               Fearful.

                                     SARAH
                         Go ahead.

               He slowly, very slowly... climbs onto the bed and lowers his 
               head to her foot. Very slowly.

               Sarah waits until he's close enough to her foot before she 
               kicks him in the face, sending him somersaulting off the bed 
               and crashing to the floor.

               She grabs the remote control he left behind and changes the 
               channel to a cartoon.

               Juancho gets up and realizes his defeat. He decides to wander 
               about. Looking for something to do...

               Sarah tries to ignore him as he stalks the room. It's only a 
               matter of time before he finds mischief.

               Juancho sees the champagne bucket and Bingo!, he goes for 
               the bottle.

                                     JUANCHO
                              (holding up the bottle)
                         Hey, get a bottle opener!

               Sarah opens her mouth, as if about to tell him to leave the 
               champagne alone. She stops herself when she realizes she 
               wants some champagne too.

               She quickly scrambles about for a bottle opener while Juancho 
               unwraps the bottle top.

               Sarah opens the dresser drawer with such force that a few 
               hidden contents long forgotten in the back of the drawer 
               slide forward.

               Some coins, a paperclip, and a hypodermic needle. She looks 
               down at the needle that lays beside the Gideon Bible and 
               casually picks the phone back up and punches 0. The phone 
               rings.

               FRONT DESK

               Ted, bucket of ice in his hand, gets ready to go to room 
               404. As he crosses the desk, the phone rings. He looks at 
               the board and see room 716's light blinking.

               He sighs in exasperation.

               INT. ROOM

               Sarah sees Juancho shaking the champagne bottle violently.

                                     SARAH
                         Don't shake it!
                              (into phone)
                         Ted? Hi. It's me. Sarah.

                                     TED
                         Yeah. Who died? No one? Then don't 
                         call me.

                                     SARAH
                         I thought I'd tell you that your 
                         cleaning ladies are doing a bum job. 
                         There's all kinds of leftover stuff 
                         around here.

               Sarah picks up the needle and rolls it over in her hand 
               several times.

                                     SARAH
                         Needles and things. We're not supposed 
                         to have needles here, are we? I mean, 
                         they don't come with the room, do 
                         they? Send someone up here to clean 
                         this place up right.

               The champagne bottle explodes all over Juancho. He looks 
               surprised.

                                     SARAH
                              (to Juancho)
                         I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHAKE IT!
                              (to Ted)
                         I gotta go. My brother just exploded 
                         the champagne all over the room. Oh, 
                         and bring us a couple of toothbrushes. 
                         There's a card in the bathroom that 
                         says you'll bring free toothbrushes 
                         if we ask for them.

               She hangs up.

               A frustrated Ted hangs up the phone. He walks briskly to the 
               elevator.

               Sarah and Juancho are pouring themselves champagne. They 
               turn up the television and drink. Juancho shudders at the 
               taste, but tries to drink as much as Sarah.

               Sarah clearly doesn't like it, but tries to pretend she does.

               Sarah picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how 
               to make room-to-room calls.

                                     SARAH
                         I'm calling another room, give me 
                         three numbers.

                                     JUANCHO
                         4-0-9.

               Sarah punches in the room number. The phone rings.

               She holds the needle up to the light to examine it.

                                     SARAH
                         Hello? Hi. You don't know me, and I 
                         don't know you, but... do you have 
                         any needles? We've got needles here 
                         and I was wondering if they come 
                         with the room or not. Don't have 
                         any? Thanks. Just checking.

               She hangs up.

               Juancho puts down his champagne glass and searches his 
               father's coat pocket. He finds a pack of cigarettes and takes 
               one out. He puts it in his mouth and pretends to smoke.

               Sarah checks out the hypodermic needle carefully. She has an 
               idea.

               MONTAGE:

               In the bathroom, Sarah seeks out her mother's lipstick.

               ROOM 716

               Sarah stands atop the chest of drawers and uses the lipstick 
               to draw a bull's-eye on one of the hotel art paintings. She 
               writes numbers next to each circle representing points.

               Juancho is standing at the foot of the bed, cigarette hanging 
               out of his mouth, as he practices his dart-throwing technique.

                                     SARAH
                              (pointing out the 
                              rules)
                         The center is the bull's eye, 100 
                         points, this one's 10 points, this 
                         one's 20 points.

               WHACK! The needle lands an inch from her face in the 20-point 
               slot.

                                     SARAH
                         Hey, wait a minute. Let me get out 
                         of the way!

               Sarah, a little tipsy now, grabs the needle and staggers to 
               the bed. She hears the key in the doorway and throws the 
               needle into the curtain to hide it.

               Ted enters the room, somewhat disheveled from his encounter 
               with Sigfried. He has a tray and a new bottle of champagne.

               He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. He spots 
               the original bottle lying on the floor half empty and dripping 
               into the carpet.

                                     TED
                         I brought you some milk and cookies. 
                         If you want some you have to eat 
                         them now, because you're going to 
                         sleep.

                                     SARAH
                         We're going to sleep now?

                                     TED
                         Your parents said put you to bed 
                         before midnight. Well, it's before 
                         midnight. Maybe that way you'll leave 
                         me alone.

                                     SARAH
                         Those aren't milk and cookies.

                                     TED
                         We were out of cookies, so I brought 
                         you milk and Saltines. Don't complain! 
                         Now hurry up and eat. You're going 
                         to bed right now.

               Juancho bites into a Saltine. Sarah simply examines one.

                                     JUANCHO
                         These are old.

                                     SARAH
                         They're stale.

                                     TED
                              (impatient)
                         Dip 'em in the milk! The milk will 
                         make them soft.

               Sarah gives up and throws the cracker back onto the tray. 
               She's a little drunk.

               Ted picks up the ruined champagne bottle.

               Juancho dips his crackers and eats them. He makes a face and 
               drops a soggy cracker onto the tray.

                                     TED
                         No crackers? Okay, fine. Sleepy time. 
                         Now, I don't want you guys wandering 
                         around, so if you need to go to the 
                         restroom, go now.

               They go to the bathroom. Ted sits on the bed. Waits.

               He sees the painting on the wall but can't figure out what's 
               different about it.

               The red lipstick blends right into the aesthetic value of 
               the painting.

               Ted smells something funny. He looks down and sees the socks 
               on the bed. He grabs a fork from the tray and uses it to 
               throw the socks across the room.

               The kids come back out.

                                     JUANCHO
                         What about our pajamas?

                                     TED
                         You wanna look nice in case there's 
                         an earthquake, don'tcha?

               The children nod.

                                     TED
                         Okay. Then stay in those clothes.

               The kids lie on the bed.

               Sarah notices a jar of Mentholatum ointment on the dinner 
               tray.

                                     SARAH
                         What's that?

                                     TED
                         Oh, this is just some Mentholatum 
                         ointment. Come on, under the covers. 
                         Close your eyes and I'll tell you a 
                         story.

               The children close their eyes. Ted opens the jar of the 
               ointment and sniffs it.

               Strong stuff by the look on his face.

                                     TED
                         Your dad says he doesn't trust 
                         babysitters. I don't blame him. You 
                         know what my babysitter did to me 
                         once?
                              (confiding)
                         I never told my parents, either.

               The children lie in the bed, eyes closed, listening intently.

               Ted dips his fingers in the jar of vaporous ointment.

                                     TED
                         I hated going to sleep. You know, 
                         it's nighttime and you wanna run 
                         around and act crazy. So what my 
                         babysitter did to make sure I'd go 
                         to sleep and not be tempted to get 
                         up, was, she'd take some of this 
                         vapor rub stuff... Can you smell 
                         this?

               Eyes closed, the kids inhale. They smell the ointment and 
               nod yes.

                                     TED
                         Well, she'd just dab a little of 
                         this over each eyelid, so that I 
                         would be sure and keep my eyes closed 
                         all night.

               Ted is spreading the ointment over their eyelids as he says 
               this.

                                     TED
                         There. Now you've got some, too! 
                         Don't open your eyes or it'll burrrn, 
                         burn, burn. The smell helps clear 
                         your sinuses too, so it's doing double 
                         duty.

                                     JUANCHO
                         What happens when it's morning?

                                     TED
                         If you keep your eyes closed all 
                         night, it will wear off by morning. 
                         But DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE 
                         THAT...

                                     SARAH
                         Did you ever open your eyes?

               Extreme CLOSE-UP on Ted's eyes.

                                     TED
                         Yes... I did.

               The children are quiet.

                                     TED
                         And now look at me.

                                     CHILDREN
                              (in unison)
                         We can't.

                                     TED
                         Good. You'll do just fine. Sleep 
                         well and I won't tell your parents 
                         about the champagne.

               Ted leaves.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               AFTER A MOMENT OF DARKNESS

               After a moment of darkness, the night is disturbed by the 
               loud crashing of fireworks outside the window.

               Sarah sits up, eyes closed. Her face feels the warmth coming 
               from the window and she tilts her head toward it.

               The light of the fireworks dances its reflections off her 
               face.

               She inhales deeply... then makes a sour face. She goes for 
               the bathroom, arms outstretched like a blind girl. She gets 
               to the bathroom, turns on the light, and searches for the 
               sink.

               She begins to wash the ointment off her eyes very carefully. 
               She dries her eyes thoroughly and opens them... checks them 
               in the mirror. A little red, but otherwise fine.

               She goes back into the bedroom, turns on the television and 
               grabs the new champagne bottle. She shakes it violently.

               Juancho wakes. He turns his head to her. His eyes are still 
               closed.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Are you watching TV?

               The champagne bottle explodes. She pours herself a glass.

                                     SARAH
                         Yep. If you wanna watch too, you 
                         have to go wash your face.

               Juancho gets up smiling and tries to run to the bathroom. He 
               slams into the wall, hard.

                                     SARAH
                         Be careful...

               Juancho walks into the bathroom a little slower, more 
               cautious.

               Sarah pours herself another glass. She downs the glass and 
               shudders.

               She smells the bad smell again. Only now she really smells 
               it.

               She smells her feet. Nothing. She smells the champagne. 
               Nothing.

               Juancho enters the room and sits on the bed. Sarah grabs his 
               foot and smells it.

               She drops his foot.

               Juancho stares blankly at her.

               Sarah looks down at the mattress. She smells the mattress.

               Juancho looks at her as if she's drunk.

               Sarah leaps off the bed and turns on the room lights. She 
               takes a huge swig from the champagne bottle, then stalks 
               toward the mattress.

               Juancho leaps off the bed as well and stands back.

               Sarah pulls the mattress off of the bedsprings enough to see 
               what is underneath it.

               Juancho screams. Sarah is too stunned to scream. Stuffed 
               into the bedsprings is a woman's dead and beaten corpse.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CLOSE ON

               Ted's phone ringing.

               Ted looks at the phone as if pondering whether or not to 
               answer it. He taps his fingers. Finally he answers the phone.

               ROOM 716

                                     SARAH
                         Ted!

                                     TED
                         What do you want now, for Christ's 
                         sake! Who died?

                                     SARAH
                              (near tears)
                         I don't know, but she's in my bed!

                                     TED
                         What?

                                     SARAH
                         There's a dead body in my bed!

                                     TED
                         That's just your brother. Sound 
                         asleep.

                                     SARAH
                         No, there's a woman's dead body inside 
                         the bed, in the mattress.

                                     TED
                         You saw the body?

                                     SARAH
                         Yes!

                                     TED
                         Impossible. You've got ointment on 
                         your eyes! You can't see shit! Now 
                         go to sleep!

               Ted hangs up the phone.

               Sarah redials.

               Ted answers.

                                     TED
                         Godammit, go to sleep!

                                     SARAH
                              (crying now)
                         I washed it off...

                                     TED
                         You washed off the ointment?

                                     SARAH
                              (pissed, drunk)
                         Yeah, didn't you ever think to do 
                         that?

               Ted is quiet on the line. Thinking.

               Juancho lights up a cigarette for real and takes nervous 
               puffs.

               Sarah carries the phone over to Juancho and snatches the 
               cigarette away from him. She stuffs it in her own mouth and 
               nervously takes a long drag on it.

                                     SARAH
                              (through cigarette)
                         You never tried it, did you? Then 
                         you agree I'm smarter than you...

                                     TED
                         All right. Now you listen to me...

                                     SARAH
                         Get your ass up here and call the 
                         police, because there's a dead body 
                         in my bed and it smells like shit 
                         and it looks even worse, and if you 
                         don't help us, my dad is gonna lay 
                         you down right next to her, I swear 
                         to fucking God!

               She drinks from her champagne bottle. She's pulling the 
               mattress back over the corpse again.

                                     JUANCHO
                         Go, sis.

               She's drunk all right.

                                     TED
                              (incensed)
                         I'm coming up and if there isn't a 
                         dead body by the time I get there, 
                         I'll make one myself. You!

               FRONT DESK

               Ted slams down the phone.

               As he walks away from the counter, he spots the children's 
               parents driving up to the valet out front.

                                     TED
                         Oh shit!

               Ted breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               ROOM 716

               Sarah continues to cover the body with the mattress.

               ELEVATOR

               Close on Ted's face as the elevator car races up seven floors.

               LOBBY

               The Man is carrying his drunk Wife through the lobby. Not 
               happy.

               ROOM 716

               Ted bursts into the room. He sees the disarray.

               Ted pushes the champagne out of Sarah's hand, spilling it 
               onto the floor.

                                     TED
                         What the fuck is going on??!!

               He sees Juancho with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth 
               and rips it away from him. The butt goes flying onto the 
               carpet near the spreading champagne spill.

                                     TED
                         Your parents are on their way up and 
                         I'm not taking responsibility for 
                         this mess!

                                     SARAH
                         Check under the mattress!

                                     TED
                         For what?

                                     SARAH
                              (crying)
                         For the body, can't you smell it?

                                     TED
                         It's your feet!

               Sarah grabs the mattress and pulls it off herself.

               Ted sees the rotting corpse.

               Vomit spews out of Ted's mouth.

                                     TED
                              (gurgles through vomit-
                              spewing lips)
                         Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck 
                         is this?

               He tears at the phone.

                                     TED
                              (into the phone)
                         Police, it's an emergency!
                              (pause)
                         Hello, Police, this is the Mon Signor 
                         Hotel, get someone up here right 
                         fucking now, there's a DEAD WHORE 
                         stuffed under the mattress!

               Tears well in Sarah's eyes as she looks at the body.

                                     SARAH
                         Don't call her that...

                                     TED
                              (into the phone)
                         I'm dead fucking serious, there's a 
                         dead fucking Whore stuffed in the 
                         bedsprings of the fucking bed!

                                     SARAH
                         Stop calling her that!!

               Sarah grabs the hypodermic needle from under the curtain and 
               stabs it into Ted's leg.

                                     TED
                         FUCK!!

               Sarah steps back, almost tripping over the champagne bottle. 
               She picks up the bottle and holds it defensively in case Ted 
               tries to retaliate. Ted spins around, now noticing the needle 
               sticking out of his leg.

                                     TED
                         Jesus!!

               Juancho lights up another cigarette.

               The champagne spill has spread to the fallen cigarette butt. 
               The carpet bursts into flames around the spill.

                                                            CUT OUTSIDE TO:

               EXT. ROOM

               CLOSE ON a key going into the keyhole outside.

                                                                   BACK TO:

               ROOM 716

               Ted tries to pull the syringe out of his leg, but yanking it 
               makes it break in two, the plunger in his hand, and the needle 
               still stuck in his leg.

               Ted staggers and grabs hold of the dead woman's foot for 
               support as he steps on the remote control, flipping the TV 
               on to the Nudie channel, just as...

               Man opens the door.

               Man stands at the door, drunk Wife unconscious on one arm, 
               the door knob in the other hand. He's looking mean.

               Man's POV: focused on the dead woman in the bedsprings. We 
               pan up the dead woman's leg to find Ted holding her foot. We 
               pan down Ted's leg to find the hypodermic needle jutting 
               out... then pan over to the other hand holding the broken 
               syringe plunger.

               We pan over to the Nudie channel, then down to the fire 
               blazing behind the children. Pan up to the dripping champagne 
               bottle in Sarah's hand, then over to the cigarette hanging 
               out of Juancho's mouth. Juancho tosses his cigarette out of 
               his mouth to an area behind him. Another blaze starts 
               immediately.

               Man drops his Wife to the floor.

               In the WIDE SHOT of Ted and the children, we see that the 
               fireworks are bursting big and bright outside the window 
               behind them. Almost as bright as the flames eating through 
               the room.

               Man simply glares at Ted. Finally Man speaks...

                                     MAN
                         Did they misbehave?

               Ted stares blankly at Man (the camera) as the sprinklers 
               burst on... drenching the room as the picture

               FADES TO BLACK

                                        FOUR ROOMS

               FADE UP ON

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY--NIGHT

               SUPER: ONE MINUTE AFTER ROBERT'S STORY. TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE 
               DAWN.

               The elevator rides down to the lobby. The doors open and a 
               wet, disheveled, and frantic Ted steps out.

               He staggers across the lobby to the reception desk. He grabs 
               the phone.

               INT. BETTY'S APT--ALMOST DAWN

               The wild New Year's Eve party is winding down. Some Guests 
               are passed out, some are asleep, some are making out, two 
               guys are playing Nintendo, a Girl watches them. The phone 
               RINGS. The Girl, who wears a "Guinness Stout" T-shirt, answers 
               the phone.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Happy New Year!

               BACK TO TED: BACK AND FORTH

                                     TED
                         Let me speak to Betty.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Party's over, she probably went home.

                                     TED
                         She lives there.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Oh, well, I haven't seen 'em in a 
                         while.

                                     TED
                         Do you even know who I'm talking 
                         about?

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know 'em, 
                         I know Eddy.

                                     TED
                         Betty, not Eddy.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Yeah... yeah... I know Betty too... 
                         Tall...

                                     TED
                         No, not particularly. She's got curly 
                         red hair.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         No, no, no, no, no, I know, I know. 
                         Japanese girl.

                                     TED
                         She's not Japanese! I just said she 
                         had red hair.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know her.

                                     TED
                         Well, then get her on the phone, 
                         it's an emergency.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Who -- who should I say's calling?

                                     TED
                         Tell 'em Teddy from work's on the 
                         phone, and it's a major fuckin' 
                         emergency.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Gotcha, Betty from work.

                                     TED
                         Not Betty from work, I'm calling 
                         Betty! I'm Teddy. Just say Ted.

                                     GUINNESS GIRL
                         Hi, Ted, I'm Margaret. You sound 
                         down. Has this not been the happiest 
                         of New Year's?

                                     TED
                              (resigning himself to 
                              talking with Margaret)
                         No Margaret, this hasn't been my 
                         best New Year. This year's starting 
                         off pretty badly.

                                     MARGARET
                         Awww, how come?

                                     TED
                         Well, Betty -- the chick whose house 
                         you're at, even though you don't 
                         know her -- leaves me here all by 
                         myself on New Year's Eve. And first 
                         thing right off the bat, I'm fucked 
                         by a coven of witches.

                                     MARGARET
                         An oven full of witches fucked you? 
                         Is that like at the circus when they 
                         stick all those clowns in an itty-
                         bitty car?

                                     TED
                         A coven. A coven of witches. Well, 
                         one witch in particular.

                                     MARGARET
                         Was she an old hag with a mole, with 
                         hair growing out of it?

                                     TED
                         No-no-no, she was... quite beautiful.

               Margaret thinks for a moment.

                                     MARGARET
                         Ted?

                                     TED
                         Yes.

                                     MARGARET
                         What's the problem?

                                     TED
                         Well, admittedly, that was the best 
                         part of the night. It was pretty 
                         fuckin' cool, actually. But it was 
                         still an unnerving way to start off 
                         the night.

                                     MARGARET
                         Sounds to me like a pretty great way 
                         to start off the night.

                                     TED
                         Okay, let's just skip over the 
                         witches.

                                     MARGARET
                         -- Skipping over the witches.

                                     TED
                         So, later, in another room, some 
                         crazy sucking maniac sticks a gun in 
                         my face and forces me to play out 
                         some psychosexual drama with his 
                         wife.

                                     MARGARET
                         He made you have psycho sex with his 
                         wife?

                                     TED
                         No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, 
                         he thought I'd fucked his wife! He 
                         held me at gunpoint with a loaded 
                         gun!

                                     MARGARET
                         What kinda gun?

                                     TED
                         I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It 
                         was big.

                                     MARGARET
                         Like Dirty Harry's gun.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, something like that.

                                     MARGARET
                         Did it have a real long barrel or a 
                         short barrel?

                                     TED
                         What difference does it make?

                                     MARGARET
                         Well, for one thing it's the 
                         difference between a .44 Magnum and 
                         a Magnum .357.

                                     TED
                         Who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, 
                         it was a fuckin' loaded gun, pointed 
                         at my fuckin' head!

               Margaret takes this in.

                                     MARGARET
                         You wanna skip over this part, too?

                                     TED
                         I want you to get Betty on the phone!

                                     MARGARET
                         Hold on.
                              (yelling to the room)
                         Anybody live here named...
                              (to Ted)
                         What's her name again?

                                     TED
                         Betty.

                                     MARGARET
                         Betty!

               The sleepy room stirs. Betty wakes up from the floor.

                                     BETTY
                         Yeah, whatcha screamin' about?

                                     MARGARET
                         You're Betty?

                                     BETTY
                         Yeah, I'm Betty, it's my fuckin' 
                         place, who the fuck are you?

                                     MARGARET
                         I'm Margaret
                              (hands her the phone)
                         And this is Ted.

               Betty takes the phone.

                                     BETTY
                         Ted, what's the problem?

                                     TED
                         What's the problem? I don't got a 
                         problem, I got fuckin' problems! 
                         Wanna hear?

                                     BETTY
                              (yawning, wiping sleep 
                              from her eyes)
                         Sure.

                                     TED
                         Well, most recently, there's room 
                         716. There's a scary Mexican gangster 
                         dude pokin' his finger in my chest. 
                         There's his hooligan kids snapping 
                         their fingers at me. There's the 
                         putrid rotting corpse of a dead whore 
                         stuffed in the springs of a bed. 
                         There're rooms blazing afire... 
                         There's a needle from God knows where 
                         stuck in my leg, infecting me with 
                         God knows what, and finally, there's 
                         me walking out the fuckin' door right 
                         now! Buenas noches.

               A RINGING SOUND happens that we haven't heard before. Ted's 
               head turns toward it.

               It's the guest board. And the top light, the penthouse, is 
               ringing. It rings where all the others buzzed.

               Betty can hear it distinctly on her side of the line. The 
               sound fully wakes her up. They start talking Howard Hawks 
               style again.

                                     BETTY
                              (suddenly alert)
                         Is that the penthouse?

                                     TED
                         Yeah.

                                     BETTY
                         That's the Chester Rush party, they 
                         want something.

                                     TED
                         Yeah, well, tough titty. They're 
                         just gonna have to wait, 'cause I'm 
                         out the door.

                                     BETTY
                              (panicking)
                         Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're 
                         freaked, I know you're stressed. 
                         You've had a real bad night --

                                     TED
                         Yes, Betty, I've had-a-real-bad-night --

                                     BETTY
                         -- You say there's a dead body in a 
                         room?

                                     TED
                         Yes, I did.

                                     BETTY
                         No problem, this is a hotel, we've 
                         had dead bodies before, it's just 
                         the price of doing business. You 
                         said the hotel was on fire. Is it 
                         still on fire?

                                     TED
                         No, it's out.

                                     BETTY
                         Good, sprinkler system worked like a 
                         charm. Now, you wanna leave, you've 
                         had enough. Perfectly understandable. 
                         I'll take care of everything else. 
                         The only thing I ask is that you 
                         take care of Chester Rush. Then you 
                         can leave.

                                     TED
                         Now, look --

                                     BETTY
                         Ted, he's a very important guest of 
                         this hotel. In fact, he is the most 
                         important guest at the hotel. The 
                         Mon Signor used to be a haven for 
                         movie stars. Through the thirties 
                         and forties, and the first half of 
                         the fifties, more movie stars -- if 
                         you break it down on a night-by-night 
                         basis -- stayed at the Mon Signor 
                         than any other hotel in Hollywood. 
                         Now, we had some hard time in the 
                         eighties, even though we were the 
                         official hotel of Cannon Pictures, 
                         but we're coming back strong in the 
                         nineties. And a movie star clientele 
                         is important to that comeback. If we 
                         can keep stars of his magnitude happy, 
                         we're on our way. So, Ted, just take 
                         care of him, then you can leave.

                                     TED
                         Look, I don't feel like --

                                     BETTY
                         He probably just wants some champagne! 
                         You can do that, can't you? Please 
                         just take care of him, the entire 
                         staff of the Mon Signor is begging 
                         you!

               Ted crumbles.

                                     TED
                         Okay. But get your ass here pronto.

                                     BETTY
                         You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.

               Ted hangs up the phone. And picks up the board phone.

                                     TED
                         Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. 
                         How can I help you?

               FADE TO BLACK

               STORY TITLE CARD:

                                      THE PENTHOUSE
                                 "THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD"

               EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

               The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the 
               hallway.

               There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit 
               less disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly 
               successful in the attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, 
               his hair looks tousled, and he walks with a limp.

               He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at 
               the door.

               A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story.

                                     ANGELA
                         Hi, Theodore.

                                     TED
                         What the hell are you doing here?

               She holds up the drink she has in her hand.

                                     ANGELA
                         Having a drink.

                                     TED
                         Is that crazy husband of yours in 
                         there?

                                     ANGELA
                         Are you kidding, he'll be asleep 
                         till Christmas.

               From behind her we hear:

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                         Entrez, entrez.

               Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray.

               INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

               The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the 
               house. And standing in the middle of the biggest room in the 
               hotel is the hottest, newest comedy star to burst onto the 
               Hollywood scene in nearly a decade: Chester Rush. At this 
               moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger of a 
               new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of 
               the stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." 
               Surrounding him is his entourage. They all look like once 
               upon a time this evening they were dressed sharp; however, 
               at this late hour, everybody looks about as disheveled as 
               Ted.

               One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair 
               with his leg thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in 
               his hand.

               The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back 
               and forth on the telephone. He is completely oblivious to 
               the rest of the room's activity.

               In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, 
               which he constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the 
               room are the leftovers: pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, 
               and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne.

                                     CHESTER
                              (still sitting)
                         Entrez, entrez, come in, come in.

                                     TED
                              (wheeling in the tray)
                         Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got 
                         everything you asked for --

                                     CHESTER
                         -- Not a problem, my friend Mr. 
                         Bellboy.

                                     ANGELA
                              (closing the door)
                         His name's Theodore.

                                     TED
                         Actually, it's not Theodore,
                              (he throws a look at 
                              Angela)
                         It's Ted.

               Chester rises from the couch.

                                     CHESTER
                         So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying -- 
                         would you care for some champagne? 
                         That's not what I was saying, but 
                         would you care for some champagne?

                                     TED
                         No, thank you.

                                     CHESTER
                         Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I 
                         never liked champagne before I had 
                         Cristal, now I love it.

                                     TED
                         Okay, yeah, sure.

               As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass:

                                     CHESTER
                         -- As I was saying, Ted, don't worry 
                         about being late. For our purposes, 
                         promptness is far behind thoroughness.

               On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass.

                                     CHESTER
                         Chin-chin.

               They clink glasses and drink.

                                     CHESTER
                         Whadya say, Ted?

                                     TED
                         Thank you?

                                     CHESTER
                         No, not thank you. Whadya say about 
                         the tasty beverage?

                                     TED
                         It's good.

                                     CHESTER
                         Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. 
                         Let's try it again, shall we? So, 
                         Ted, whadya think about the beverage.

                                     TED
                         It's fuckin' good.

                                     CHESTER
                         You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's 
                         fuckin' Cristal, everything else is 
                         piss.

               Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted.

                                     NORMAN
                         Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy!

               Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Norman)
                         Knock it off, you're making my friend 
                         Ted here uneasy.
                              (to Ted)
                         Pay no attention to Norman here, 
                         Ted, he's just fuckin' wit' ya, that's 
                         all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now 
                         me, myself, when I think of bellboys 
                         I think of -- "bellboy" isn't an 
                         insult, is it? Is there another name 
                         for what you do that I'm ignorant 
                         of? Bellman, bellperson --

                                     TED
                         Bellboy's fine.

                                     CHESTER
                         Good. I'm glad they haven't changed 
                         that. There's a friendliness to 
                         "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, 
                         when Norman thinks of bellboys, he 
                         thinks of Quadrophenia.

               But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy, 
               with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy?

                                     TED
                         No.

                                     CHESTER
                         You should, it's one of Jerry's better 
                         movies. He never says a word through 
                         the entire film. A completely silent 
                         performance. How many actors can 
                         pull that off? And he has to go to 
                         France to get respect. That says it 
                         all about America right there. The 
                         minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper 
                         in this fuckin' country gonna write 
                         articles calling the man a genius. 
                         It's not right. It's not right and 
                         it's not fair. But why should that 
                         surprise anybody? When has America 
                         ever been fair? We might be right 
                         every once in a while, but we're 
                         very rarely fair.

                                     TED
                         Where do you want this?

                                     CHESTER
                         You in a hurry, Ted?

                                     TED
                              (he is, but doesn't 
                              want to rush the 
                              movie star)
                         No, not particularly.

                                     CHESTER
                         Good, then stop playing "Beat the 
                         Clock." Now let me introduce you to 
                         everybody.

               He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room.

               Angela crosses frame, drink in hand.

                                     CHESTER
                         Our friend from downstairs you already 
                         seem to be acquainted with.

               As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair:

                                     ANGELA
                         Oh, me and Theodore go way back. 
                         Don't we, Theodore?

                                     TED
                         The name's Ted, Angela. I only let 
                         people with loaded guns at my head 
                         call me Theodore.

                                     CHESTER
                         Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound 
                         friend.

                                     ANGELA
                         We met at the pool.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Ted)
                         Have you ever seen Angela in a one-
                         piece?

                                     TED
                         No.

                                     CHESTER
                         Well, it's somethin' to see.
                              (arm around Ted)
                         The Man sitting in the chair, with 
                         the bottle of Jim Bean in his hand 
                         and the sense of humor, is Norman. 
                         Norman, say hello to Ted.

                                     NORMAN
                         What's up?

               Norman shakes his hand.

                                     CHESTER
                         The sociable son of a bitch on the 
                         telephone is Leo. And the person on 
                         the other end of the phone is his 
                         lovely wife Ellen.
                              (to Leo)
                         Leo, say hello to Ted.

               Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds.

                                     LEO
                         Hi, Ted, glad you could make it.
                              (back to phone)
                         What?
                              (pause)
                         What does punctuality have to do 
                         with love?

                                     CHESTER
                         Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, 
                         Ted. Pleased to meetcha.

               Chester shakes Ted's hand.

                                     TED
                         I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen 
                         your movie.

               Chester stops.

               Ted wonders if he should have said that.

               Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more 
               champagne. When he talks now it's slower and somewhat 
               distracted. The tone of the scene starts changing.

                                     CHESTER
                         It's quite all right, Ted, nothing 
                         to feel sorry about. That's why God 
                         invented video. But you know, Ted, a 
                         lot of people did see it.

               Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses 
               his face, and he slowly puts it down.

               His manner gives the room a chill.

               When he talks, he addresses the room.

                                     CHESTER
                         Who drank out of this bottle last?

               No answer.

               Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

                                     CHESTER
                         Who drank out of this bottle -- not 
                         the other bottles -- this bottle 
                         last?

                                     NORMAN
                         What's wrong, Chester?

               He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor.

                                     CHESTER
                         It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's 
                         what's wrong. The champagne -- the 
                         fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat.

               Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. 
               Everyone looks at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo 
               walks over to witness. The whole room is uneasy and a little 
               frightened.

               When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention 
               back to Ted. As he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. 
               But it's not the rapid-pace delivery Chester has done so 
               far. It's more troubled and distracted.

                                     CHESTER
                         I was saying, Ted, a lot of people 
                         did see it. And not just on video, 
                         either. Leo, what was the final take 
                         on domestic?

               Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool.

                                     LEO
                         72.1 million.
                              (worried tone)
                         You okay, champ?

                                     CHESTER
                              (struggling with bottle)
                         I'm cool, so talk to your wife.

               Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside 
               the room.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Ted)
                         72.1 million dollars. That's before 
                         video and before foreign, and before 
                         pay-TV and before free TV. We're 
                         talking fuckin' asses in fuckin' 
                         seats.
                              (he pops the cork)
                         Before all that other shit, The Wacky 
                         Detective made 72.1 million dollars.

               Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

                                     CHESTER
                         And my new one, The Dog Catcher, 
                         it's projected to break a hundred.
                              (he clinks Ted's glass 
                              with his)
                         The Dog Catcher.

                                     TED
                         The Dog Catcher.

               They both drink.

               The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, 
               good-natured self.

                                     CHESTER
                         Now let's stroll over here and see 
                         what goodies you brought us.

                                     TED
                         Do you mind me asking what's all 
                         this stuff for?

                                     CHESTER
                         One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a 
                         frog and you're not a bunny, so let's 
                         not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you 
                         should be interested in this.

                                     NORMAN
                         Damn Skippy!
                              (pause)
                         Tell it.

               Ted produces the things they called for.

                                     TED
                         A block of wood.

               Chester knocks on it.

                                     CHESTER
                         Good.

                                     TED
                         Three nails.

                                     NORMAN
                         Why three nails?

                                     CHESTER
                         That's how many Peter Lorre asked 
                         for. Continue, Ted.

               Ted is completely bewildered.

                                     TED
                         A roll of twine.

                                     CHESTER
                         That's definitely a roll of twine. 
                         Continue.

                                     TED
                         A bucket of ice.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Norman)
                         You into it?

                                     NORMAN
                              (to Chester)
                         I'm into it.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Ted)
                         Go on.

                                     TED
                         A donut.

               Chester takes it and eats it.

                                     CHESTER
                         That's for me. Continue.

                                     TED
                         And a hatchet.

                                     CHESTER
                         A hatchet as sharp as the devil 
                         himself is what I asked for.

                                     TED
                         Well, you be the judge.

               Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches 
               it instead.

                                     NORMAN
                         I'll be the judge.

               Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb.

                                     CHESTER
                         Whadya think?

                                     NORMAN
                         That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring 
                         all this bullshit over to the bar.

                                     CHESTER
                         You heard him, Ted.

               Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little 
               scared, but he does what he's told.

               Leo slams down the phone.

                                     LEO
                         Bitch!

                                     NORMAN
                         You still married?

                                     LEO
                         Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a 
                         flyin' fuck either way. I've had it 
                         with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm 
                         too drunk to drive home. I'm sorry 
                         about that, I'm real sorry about 
                         that. I got drunk on New Year's Eve, 
                         cut my fuckin' head off...
                              (noticing Ted at the 
                              bar)
                         What's going on here?

                                     CHESTER
                         We now return you to The Man from 
                         Rio, already in progress.

                                     LEO
                              (surprised)
                         Noooo, you're gonna do it?

                                     NORMAN
                         Looks like.

                                     LEO
                         You guys ain't bullshittin', you're 
                         gonna really go for it?

               Angela is still curled up.

                                     ANGELA
                         After talkin' about it all night, 
                         they better. I wanna see a show.

                                     CHESTER
                         When we do it, you'll have something 
                         to see.

               Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him.

                                     LEO
                         You are one radical dude.

               Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just 
               fine with him. He finishes laying out everything on the bar 
               and says:

                                     TED
                         Well, that's everything, so if you 
                         don't need me for anything else, 
                         I'll go back downstairs.

                                     CHESTER
                         Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite 
                         done yet. Why don't you take a seat 
                         at the bar, get comfortable, and 
                         have an open mind when we explain 
                         the festivities of the evening to 
                         you.

                                     TED
                         Look, guys, you paid for the room. 
                         As long as you don't break up the 
                         furniture, you can do whatever the 
                         fuck you want. And me personally, I 
                         don't care if you break up the 
                         furniture. You don't have to explain 
                         anything to me. Whatever constitutes 
                         a good time as far as you guys are 
                         concerned is your business.

                                     CHESTER
                         Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause 
                         we want you to take part.

                                     TED
                         Take part in what?

                                     LEO
                         Chester, your way of breaking the 
                         news to him gently is scarin' the 
                         shit outta him.

                                     ANGELA
                         Look at the poor guy. Just spit it 
                         out.

               Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted.

                                     CHESTER
                         First off, let me say that there's 
                         nothing homosexual about what we're 
                         going to ask you to do. There's 
                         nothing sexual at all about what we 
                         want. But I was thinkin' you might 
                         be thinkin' we want you to do some 
                         sex thing. Pee on us, suck us off, 
                         shit like that. Let me assure you 
                         nothing could be farther from what 
                         we want --

               Angela interrupts:

                                     ANGELA
                         Can I jump in here?

                                     CHESTER
                         No, you can't jump in here, this is 
                         my story.

                                     ANGELA
                         Theodore's been here fifteen minutes 
                         and you've talked about everything 
                         but.

                                     CHESTER
                         Hey, if you don't like it, you can 
                         get the fuck out.

               Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting 
               everybody up.

                                     LEO
                         If it'll please the court, let me 
                         explain to Ted our intentions.

                                     NORMAN
                              (yelling)
                         I second the nomination!

                                     CHESTER
                              (yelling)
                         Move the nomination be closed!

               Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like 
               a hatchet.

                                     CHESTER
                              (calmly)
                         Leo, the floor is yours.

                                     LEO
                         Thank you.
                              (to Ted)
                         Ted, did you ever watch the old 
                         "Alfred Hitchcock Show"?

                                     TED
                              (totally bewildered 
                              at this point)
                         Yeah.

                                     LEO
                         Did you ever see the episode The Man 
                         from Rio, with Peter Lorre and Steve 
                         McQueen?

                                     TED
                         I don't think so.

                                     LEO
                         Oh, you'd remember it all right. In 
                         the show, Peter Lorre makes a bet 
                         that Steve McQueen can't light his 
                         cigarette lighter ten times in a 
                         row. Now if Steve McQueen can light 
                         his cigarette lighter ten times in a 
                         row, he wins Peter Lorre's new car. 
                         If he can't he loses his little 
                         finger.
                              (pause)
                         Norman and Chester just made the 
                         same bet.
                              (pause)
                         Norman's putting up his pinky against 
                         Chester's mint convertible, 1964 red 
                         convertible Chevy Corvelle that he 
                         can light his Zippo ten times in a 
                         row.

               Pause.

               Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before 
               saying:

                                     TED
                         You guys are drunk.

                                     CHESTER
                         Well, that goes without saying, but 
                         that doesn't mean we don't know what 
                         we're doing.

                                     NORMAN
                         I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.

               Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on 
               the bar. On the cover is a picture of Chester smiling, 
               standing next to a beautiful 1964 red convertible Chevy 
               Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest New Star 
               Next to America's Hottest Old Car."

                                     NORMAN
                         I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my 
                         sister sold me. You hear what I'm 
                         sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' 
                         Honda Civic.
                              (he holds up the 
                              magazine)
                         You see this shit?!
                              (reading the magazine)
                         "Hollywood's hottest new star, next 
                         to America's hottest old car."
                              (he hands Ted the 
                              magazine)
                         Now you take a good look at that 
                         machine that this motherfucker over 
                         here is standing next to. That's a 
                         1964 nigger-red, rag-top Chevy 
                         Corvelle. And I love that car more'n 
                         I love hips, lips, and fingertips. 
                         Cut to we sittin' here celebrating, 
                         gettin' high, drinkin' champagne --

                                     CHESTER
                         -- Cristal. When you're drinkin' 
                         anything else, you're drinking 
                         champagne. When you're drinkin' 
                         Cristal, you say you're drinkin' 
                         Cristal.

                                     NORMAN
                         -- drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. 
                         "Rockin' New Year's Eve." When all 
                         of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen 
                         and Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. 
                         And I look at this funny motherfucker 
                         over here, and I say, "I'd do that 
                         for the Chevelle."

                                     LEO
                         And Chester replies...

                                     CHESTER
                         "...Oh, really?"

                                     TED
                         You guys wouldn't be doin' something 
                         this stupid unless you were drunk.

               Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur.

                                     NORMAN
                         I think that pretty much goes without 
                         sayin'. We'd probably chicken out. 
                         But when you're fucked-up, you don't 
                         lie. You tell the fuckin' truth. And 
                         the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's 
                         gonna win me Chester's car.

                                     TED
                              (to Chester)
                         Why are you doing this?

                                     CHESTER
                         Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with 
                         something to lose here. 'Cause I can 
                         pretty near guarantee that I love my 
                         car more'n Norman loves his pinky.

                                     TED
                              (to Leo)
                         How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna 
                         sit back and let your friends mutilate 
                         each other?

                                     LEO
                         Why not? Life don't get much more 
                         exciting than this. I mean if Norman 
                         was puttin' his dick on the choppin' 
                         block, I'd step in, 'cause, ya know 
                         in the morning, we'd really regret 
                         that. But his pinky? Who gives a 
                         fuck? I mean theoretically, he could 
                         lose that choppin' onions tomorrow. 
                         Life still goes on.

                                     TED
                              (to Angela)
                         How 'bout you?

                                     ANGELA
                              (to Ted)
                         I don't care.

                                     CHESTER
                         Which brings us to your part in this 
                         little wager.

                                     TED
                         I don't have a part.

                                     CHESTER
                         Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta 
                         say: "The less a man makes declarative 
                         statements, the less he's apt to 
                         look foolish in retrospect." Now 
                         there're some inherent obstacles in 
                         this undertaking. First of all, I'm 
                         not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre 
                         on that show, travelin' the 
                         countryside collecting fingers. We're 
                         all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman 
                         to lose his finger. We just wanna 
                         chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile 
                         on ol' Norman, we'll put his finger 
                         on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, 
                         where in all likelihood be able to 
                         sew it back on.

                                     TED
                         Hopefully.

                                     LEO
                         Eighty percent.

                                     NORMAN
                         Our side.

                                     CHESTER
                         So Norman's protected. His interests 
                         have been looked after. My interests, 
                         on the other hand, have not. I am as 
                         emotionally attached to my car as 
                         Norman is physically to his finger. 
                         I'm putting up a very expensive piece 
                         of machinery on this wager. Now, if 
                         I lose, I lose, I have no problem 
                         with that. I'm a big boy, I knew 
                         what I was doing. However, if I win, 
                         I wanna win. If Norman lights his 
                         lighter ten times in a row, he's 
                         gonna have no emotional problems 
                         about taking my car keys whatsoever. 
                         But if I win, it's not inconceivable 
                         that Leo or myself, at the last 
                         minute, might not be able to wield 
                         the ax. Which brings us full circle 
                         to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed 
                         Ted. We want you to be the diceman.

               Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it.

                                     ANGELA
                         Helluva night, huh, Ted?

                                     TED
                         I gotta get out of here.

               Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.

               Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to 
               Ted from his position at the bar.

                                     CHESTER
                         Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill 
                         here with your name on it, whether 
                         you do what we ask or not, just to 
                         sit back down in the chair for one 
                         minute more.

               Ted spins in his direction.

                                     TED
                         I'm not gonna cut off his finger!

                                     CHESTER
                         Maybe you will and maybe you won't, 
                         but that has nothing to do with this 
                         hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You 
                         can tell us all to go fuck off and 
                         walk right out that door. But if you 
                         sit back down and wait sixty seconds 
                         before you do it, you'll be a hundred 
                         dollars richer.

               Ted just stands across the room, thinking.

                                     ANGELA
                         Ted. Take the money.

                                     LEO
                         Ted, you're gonna do whatever you 
                         want to do. We're just askin' you to 
                         indulge us for another minute more. 
                         And Chester's willin' to pay for it.

               Ted thinks.

                                     TED
                         I'll take your money, and I'll sit 
                         back down. But a minute from now, 
                         I'm gonna walk out the door, and 
                         when I do, there'll be no hard 
                         feelings?

                                     CHESTER
                         Well, I want you to have a bit more 
                         of an open mind than that, but, yeah, 
                         we'll either convince you or we won't. 
                         No hard feelings. Right, guys?

               Everybody agrees.

               Ted wearily sits back down.

               Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar.

                                     CHESTER
                         Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. 
                         Let us know when one minute begins 
                         and when it ends.

                                     LEO
                         You got it.
                              (he checks his watch)
                         Gentlemen, start your engines.

               Chester jumps up and down, loosening up.

                                     LEO
                         Begin!

               Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester 
               who now plays "Beat the Clock."

                                     CHESTER
                         Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I 
                         ain't got much time. Now I'm gonna 
                         make two piles here on the bar.
                              (he takes the hundred-
                              dollar bill and lays 
                              it out on the bar)
                         One pile,
                              (pointing at the 
                              hundred-dollar bill)
                         which is yours. And another pile,
                              (Chester whips out a 
                              money roll fat enough 
                              to choke a horse to 
                              death)
                         which could be yours.
                              (he lays a matching 
                              hundred-dollar bill 
                              on the bar, starting 
                              a second pile)
                         Now, what you have to be aware of is 
                         we're gonna do this bet, one way,
                              (he lays another 
                              hundred on the end 
                              pile)
                         or the other.
                              (he lays another 
                              hundred on the pile)
                         Whether it's you who holds the ax,
                              (he lays another 
                              hundred on the pile)
                         or the desk clerk downstairs,
                              (he lays another 
                              hundred on the pile)
                         or some bum we yank off the street.
                              (he lays another 
                              hundred on the pile)

                                     NORMAN
                         You can buy a lot of soup with that 
                         pile.

                                     CHESTER
                              (to Norman)
                         Shhhh, I'm the closer.
                              (to the group)
                         How much is on the bar already? I 
                         lost count.

                                     ANGELA
                         Six hundred.

                                     CHESTER
                         Six hundred. Ted, do you know how 
                         long it takes the average American 
                         to count to six hundred?

                                     TED
                         No.

                                     CHESTER
                              (laying another bill 
                              on the pile)
                         One minute less than it takes to 
                         count to seven hundred. You know, 
                         Ted, a person's life is made up of a 
                         zillion little experiences.
                              (he lays another bill 
                              on the pile)
                         Some, which have no meaning, are 
                         insignificant and you forget them. 
                         And some that stick with you for the 
                         rest of your natural life --
                              (he lays another bill 
                              on the pile)
                         -- barring Alzheimer's of course. 
                         Now, what we're proposing is so 
                         unusual, so outside the norm, that I 
                         think it would be a pretty good guess 
                         that this will be one of those 
                         experiences that sticks. So, since 
                         you're gonna be stuck remembering 
                         this moment for the rest of your 
                         life, you gotta decide what that 
                         memory will be.
                              (He lays down the 
                              last bill on the 
                              pile)
                         So, are you gonna remember for the 
                         next forty years, give or take a 
                         decade, how you refused a thousand 
                         dollars for one second's worth of 
                         work, or how you made a thousand 
                         dollars for one second's worth of 
                         work?

                                     LEO
                         Time!

                                     CHESTER
                         Well, Ted, what's it gonna be?

               Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face.

               FLASHBACK

               We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the 
               other stories.

               INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

               Back to Ted.

                                     TED
                         Okay.

               The group cheers.

                                     TED
                         But when it's over, no matter what 
                         happens, I get the money?

                                     CHESTER
                         As long as you do your part, you can 
                         take the pile, walk out the door, 
                         and not say another word.

                                     TED
                         Let's do it right now, before I change 
                         my mind.

                                     NORMAN
                         Here, here.

               Everybody gets in their position by the bar. Norman lays his 
               left hand on the block of wood with his pinky sticking out.

               In his right hand is his Zippo lighter, poised and ready to 
               strike.

               Chester hands Ted the meat cleaver.

               Ted takes it, raises it up above Norman's finger, in position.

                                     CHESTER
                         Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! 
                         This is great! This is a moment in 
                         time none of us will ever forget.

               Everybody is crowded around the scene, on pins and needles.

                                     CHESTER
                         Norman, you ready?

                                     NORMAN
                         Ready!

                                     CHESTER
                         Ted, you ready?

                                     TED
                         Ready.

                                     CHESTER
                         Okeydoke. Norman, begin.

               Norman looks hard at the Zippo in his hand. Ted, holding the 
               cleaver, stares focused on Norman's pinky.

               Norman readies himself.

               Places his thumb on the wheel in the Zippo.

               Takes a breath.

               And strikes.

               It sparks, but doesn't light.

               Without missing a beat, Ted brings down the cleaver, slicing 
               off Norman's pinky.

               Norman lets out a scream.

               Ted, in one move, lays down the cleaver, scoops up the money 
               and walks out the door.

               INT. HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN

               CAMERA is positioned at far end of hallway, looking down it 
               at the elevator at the other end.

               Ted walks out of the penthouse in the f.g. In a MEDIUM SHOT, 
               he takes the thousand dollars in his hand, looks at it, 
               smiles, and sticks it in his pocket. It might've been a bad 
               night, but it's been a profitable one. He chuckles at the 
               irony, and, whistling a happy tune, turns his back on the 
               camera and walks down the hall to the elevator.

               All the while we hear PANDEMONIUM breaking out behind the 
               door.

               As Ted walks to the elevator, the CREDITS ROLL. He waits for 
               the elevator, it arrives, he gets in, the doors close.

               As CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL, we hold for about two beats... 
               then...

               The door BURSTS open and everybody comes piling out. 
               Everybody's screaming, yelling different things to one 
               another. Norman has a bloody towel wrapped around his hand, 
               he's screaming and crying.

                                     NORMAN
                         My finger, my fucking finger!!

               Chester has the bucket of ice with the finger in it. Leo's 
               trying to direct everything. Everybody's in frantic activity, 
               except for Angela, who stands back, drinks her drink, and 
               watches the show. They all run down the hall, toward the 
               elevator. Somebody trips and they all hit the ground. The 
               bucket of ice with the finger goes spilling. They run around 
               like crazy, looking for the finger and picking up ice cubes. 
               Norman lies on the floor and screams. They pick it all up, 
               get to the elevator, and push the button.

               When it arrives, they all dive in except for Angela.

                                     ANGELA
                         You know, I'm gonna call it a night 
                         and go back to my room. It's been 
                         fun.

               The doors close on the screaming maniacs.

               Angela walks through a door marked "Stairway."

               INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN

               MEDIUM STAIRWAY DOOR

               CREDIT ROLL continues Angela comes through the door; we 
               STEADICAM in front of her as she walks the halls, looking 
               for her room. She finds it...

               WE STOP CREDITS

                                        FOUR ROOMS

               Angela sticks her key in the door, then stops when she sees 
               something approaching. The look on her face combines strange 
               awe and mild shock.

               Almost floating ethereally, a mysterious Blond Bombshell, 
               wearing Diana's see-through negligee and slippers, armed 
               with Elspeth's sword slung over her shoulder, wanders toward 
               her. She is in a daze, perhaps lost or drunk.

                                     ANGELA
                         You okay, lady?

               The bombshell looks up at her dizzily.

                                     ANGELA
                         I said -- you looking for someone?

                                     DIANA
                              (disoriented)
                         Uhhh... yes... my husband... I think. 
                         Have you seen him?

               Angela and the girl have a strange moment as they connect 
               through the eyes.

               Having had enough emotional intensity tonight, Angela breaks 
               their eye contact.

                                     ANGELA
                         Lady, I haven't seen anybody.

               Diana quietly says, "Ohhh," as she drifts on down the hall 
               in a daze. Angela puts her hand to her temples before opening 
               her hotel door. She does a double-take on the hallway -- 
               empty.

               She pauses a beat, then walks into her room. After the door 
               closes, we hear Sigfried on the other side.

                                     SIGFRIED
                         Where the hell have you been?

               CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL

                                         THE END