FREAKED


                         
                                   Written by

                       Tim Burns, Tom Stern & Alex Winter
                         
                         
                         
                         
                                                        SEVENTH DRAFT
                                                     January 12, 1992

          INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET
                         
          A horribly deformed figure--hunchback, misshapen head--sits
          on a stool in complete silhouette. This is RICK COOGAN.
                         
                          RICK
           Can you imagine it, Regis, Kathie
           Lee? One day I'm a hot young
           movie star, and the next day I'm a
           hideous mutant freak, covered with
           festering lesions.
                         
          Oddly, REGIS and KATHIE LEE are also in complete silhouette.
                         
                          REGIS
           Sounds like my wife when she misses
           a mudpack!
                         
          The audience CRACKS UP. Kathie Lee pooh-poohs Regis.
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
           Oh Regis! You're incorrigible! Ha-
           ha!
           (to Rick, she turns
                          EARNEST)
           Ricky, once you were the all-
           American boy next door, star of the
           beloved Hey Dude films. Now the
           very mention of your name makes
           children scream in terror. We've
           all read about your disturbing
           story. But the people want to hear
           it from you, Ricky Coogan.
           (SFX: children scream)
           Won't you tell us your story?
                         
                          RICK
           Well, it's kinda long, but okay.
           It all started when I signed a deal
           to be spokesman for the E.E.S.
           conglomerate...
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. E.E.S. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
                         
          The E.E.S. logo--a large metal shoe with a bar across it,
          with the words "Everything Except Shoes" beneath. Widen to
          reveal RICHARD HERTZ, president of E.E.S., smiling rigidly to
          camera. RICK COOGAN is next to him, also holding a stiff
          movie-star smile. FLASH! They shake hands as the EES
          photographer takes publicity shots. Off to one side, behind
          Hertz, are several EES EXECUTIVES. Behind Rick is his
          entourage: LAWYER, BODYGUARD, TRAINER, STYLIST, and SPIRIT
          GUIDE.
           2.
                         
                         
          Further off, at the boardroom table, four DODDERING OLD
          CORPORATE FARTS on the brink of death look on with glazed
          expressions.
                         
                          RICK
           (through a clenched smile)
           So, what kind of crap do you
           scumbags want me to peddle?
                         
                          HERTZ
           Everything. Everything except
           shoes, of course. Hah hah...
                         
          He laughs pathetically. Rick doesn't respond. Hertz nods to
          a nearby EXECUTIVE who hands him some BEEF STICKS.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Meaty Twig Beef Sticks.
                         
          Rick takes them and holds them up to the camera. Smiles.
          Flash.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Helmet Head hair spray.
                         
          He takes the hair spray and holds it up. Smile. Flash.
                         
          The assistant carefully hands Hertz a pulsating metal
          container with lots of warnings and danger symbols on it.
          Hertz gives it to Rick.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Noxon 24 biogenetic neuro-
           fertilizer.
                         
          Rick holds it up, then pushes it away in disgust.
                         
                          RICK
           Fertilizer? Ricky Coogan does not
           do ads for hi-tech cow shit. I'm a
           star, got it, Hertz?
           (to his aide)
           Rico, give these misguided clowns
           Tony Danza's phone number, and
           let's get the hell out of here.
                         
          He gives the finger to the EES photographer, who obligingly
          takes a picture. Hertz waves at him to get lost, and calls
          after Rick who's headed to the door with his entourage.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Rick. Wait! Only you can stand up
           to the radicals trying to keep
           Noxon from the struggling farmers
           whose very future depends on it.
           3.
                         
                         
                          RICK
                          (HESITATES)
           Noxon? Wasn't that just banned?
                         
                          HERTZ
           Only in the U.S....and Europe.
                         
                          RICK
           But I heard that shit's lethal.
                         
          Hertz lets out a big laugh. He shakes his head at Rick.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Rick, Rick, Rick... You want
           proof? Fine. Just take a seat.
           Please.
                         
          Rick nods to his entourage. They sit at the boardroom table,
          across from the EES execs. An easel behind Hertz shows a
          placard with a bar graph. Hertz whispers something to an
          aide, who scurries off.
                         
                          HERTZ
                          (TO RICK)
           Meet the head of our South American
           research facility, Juan Valdez.
                         
          The aide ushers in a handsome LATIN AMERICAN EXECUTIVE in a
          natty three-piece suit and a sombrero.
                         
                          GEORGE
           My name is George Ramirez.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Whatever. He's worked with Noxon
           24 every day for five years, and
           he's in fine shape. Aren't you,
           Juan?
                         
          George glares at Hertz bitterly. Hertz stares him down.
                         
                          GEORGE
           Yes. I am fine. Me and my team in
           Santa Flan have--
                         
                          RICK
           Santa "Flan?" What kind of shitty
           name for a country is that?
                         
                          GEORGE
           It is named for the patron saint of
           creamy desserts... As I was
           saying, we've worked very closely
           with Noxon...
           4.
                         
                         
          Rick nods. We cut back to George, but he isn't George
          anymore. He has mutated into a similar looking actor, in the
          same suit, the same sombrero, but shorter and swarthier.
                         
                          GEORGE (CONT'D)
           I personally supervised its
           development...
                         
          Rick furrows his brow. He's a little suspicious of George's
          transformation, but just a little.
                         
          Now George is even shorter, even swarthier. Yet another
          actor.
                         
                          GEORGE (CONT'D)
           I performed rigorous scientific
           tests. No potential danger was
           left uninvestigated...
                         
          Rick's suspicion is increasing. He looks over to Hertz, who
          feigns total innocence.
                         
          George is now even shorter. Still another actor. His
          clothes are baggy, and the sombrero is starting to slide down
          over his face.
                         
                          GEORGE (CONT'D)
           The environmentalists are
           crackpots, all of them.
                         
          Rick looks at his entourage. Their mouths hang open in
          astonishment.
                         
          George has now shrunk to near-midget proportions. The
          sombrero completely covers his head. When he takes it off,
          we see he's now played by LINDA HUNT!
                         
                          GEORGE
           It's ridiculous, I tell you.
           Totally ridiculous!
                         
          Rick is ready to ask questions, but Hertz cuts him off.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Thank you, Valdez. That will be
           all.
                         
          George nods and heads back to his seat. As he passes behind
          Hertz, he can't resist sticking his thumbs in his ears and
          making a face.
                         
                          RICK
           Wait a second--
           5.
                         
                         
                          HERTZ
           Ricky, this is important. We're
           talking about a major threat to the
           EES image. How does 2 million
           dollars plus expenses sound?
                         
          The aide reveals a new placard on the easel. It reads "$2
          MILLION."
                         
                          RICK
           Look, it sounds great, but--
                         
                          HERTZ
           I hear you. Make it five million--
           (a new placard: 5 MILLION)
           that is, if the board agrees ...
                         
          Hertz reaches beside his chair and pulls a lever. The old
          geezers beside him raise their arms stiffly, as if they were
          being pulled by strands of fishing line, which they are.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Good, it's unanimous. Well, what
           do you say, Ricky? Are you EES's
           "Man in Santa Flan?"
                         
          Rick looks at his advisors--they look over at Linda Hunt,
          then emphatically shake their heads "NO." Rick looks at
          Hertz, who shows him five big fingers and grins. Rick breaks
          into a big smile and gives Hertz his trademark thumbs up
          sign.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. L.A. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECK
                         
          Rick stands in line at the luggage X-ray machine. He
          impatiently checks his watch as the X-RAY CHECKER chats him
          up. A CRAZED ANARCHIST holding a large bomb passes through
          the security check unquestioned.
                         
                          X-RAY CHECKER
           My kids just loved you in "Hey Dude
           Three: The Final Countdown." We
           need more wholesome role models
           like you.
                         
                          RICK
           Uh-huh.
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           Where the fuck is Ernie?
           6.
                         
                         
          We hear WOMEN'S SCREAMS. They turn towards the noise and see
          a bunch of STEWARDESSES scattering from a trendy young cad
          with a fake hand sticking out of his fly. This is ERNIE,
          Rick's buddy and resident court jester.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Ladies! All I wanted was a
           manicure! Yah-ha-ha!
           (he sees Rick)
           IT'S THE COOG!
                         
                          RICK
           IT'S THE ERNIE! WOOF! WOOF!
           WOOF!
                         
          Rick pumps Ernie's third "hand." The miffed X-ray checker
          points to Rick's large carry-on bag as it emerges from the X-
          ray machine.
                         
                          X-RAY CHECKER
                          (TO RICK)
           Mister Coogan, is this your bag?
                         
                          RICK
           Yeah, why?
                         
                          X-RAY CHECKER
           Is this your kid?
                         
          He indicates the X-ray monitor, where we see the skeleton
          outline of a BUCKTOOTHED, BESPECTACLED 10 YEAR OLD KID curled
          up in Rick's bag. The kid waves. Rick and Ernie look at
          each other in horror.
                         
                          RICK/ERNIE
           Stuey Gluck!
                         
          The bag bursts open, and out pops STUEY GLUCK, an obsessive
          young autograph hound toting a stack of scrapbooks and
          memorabilia.
                         
                          STUEY
           Rick! Rick! Look! I got a rare
           still from your high school
           production of The Glass Menagerie!
           Could you sign it for me?
           Please?!
                         
                          RICK
           NO!
                          (TO ERNIE)
           Let's get the hell out of here!
           7.
                         
                         
          Ernie nods and yanks the bag away from under Stuey. They run
          away down the corridor. Stuey chases them, holding up an 8
          by 10 photo.
                         
                          STUEY
           Rick! Wait up!
                         
          FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR
                         
          Rick and Ernie run around a corner with Stuey in pursuit.
                         
                          STUEY
           Rick! Remember the speech you gave
           at the Actors Forum for Social
           Justice!?
                         
          He holds up a cassette player and hits play. It's Rick's old
          speech.
                         
           RICK'S VOICE (FROM TAPE)
           If all the world is a stage, then
           let us shine the spotlight on
           truth, integrity, and a deep
           compassion for all life.
                         
                          RICK
           Leave me alone, troll!
                          (TO ERNIE)
           That was before I got an
           entertainment lawyer.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Quick, down here.
                         
          Ernie leads Rick down an adjacent hallway.
                         
          IN THE HALLWAY
                         
          It's a dead end. Rick and Ernie are trapped. Ernie gives
          Rick a sheepish look. Stuey stands at the entrance of the
          hallway. He holds up a Time magazine.
                         
                          STUEY
           Rick! Rick! It says here Noxon's
           dangerous. Why are you lending
           your name to it? What's happened
           to you, Rick? You used to be
           good! And now... I just don't
           know...
                         
          Stuey starts to cry. Rick looks guilty.
                         
                          RICK
           Don't cry, Stuey, I'm still good.
           8.
                         
                         
          BAM! A passing electric baggage cart nails Stuey at full
          speed and carries him off down the corridor, screaming bloody
          murder.
                         
                          RICK
           ALRIGHT!
                         
          Rick and Ernie high five.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FIRST CLASS CABIN - DAY
                         
          A SEXY STEWARDESS pours champagne for Rick and Ernie. The
          anarchist sits nearby with the bomb on his lap. Rick winks
          suggestively at the stewardess. She walks off, obviously not
          interested. Rick raises his glass to Ernie, oozing sleazy
          confidence.
                         
                          RICK
           In the bag.
                         
          The plane hits turbulence, and Rick's drink flies up out of
          his glass--he catches it as it comes down. Another
          STEWARDESS helps the Anarchist put his bomb in the overhead
          compartment. Ernie ogles her. She sneers at him. We hear
          the CAPTAIN'S voice on the loudspeaker.
                         
           CAPTAIN (V.0.)
           Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
           captain speaking. To the right of
           the aircraft, you can see a great
           view of the Grand Canyon.
                         
          All the passengers crane their necks to the right.
                         
           CAPTAIN (V.0.)
           And to the left you can see a panic-
           stricken little troll.
                         
          Rick turns to his window and flings open the shade to
          reveal...
                         
                         STUEY
                         
          on the wing, pressing his face up against the glass. He's
          holding up a publicity shot of Rick and screaming something
          we can't hear.
                         
                          RICK
           AHHHHHHH!
                         
          Stuey loses his grip and is whisked off the wing. Rick
          watches him fall into oblivion.
           9.
                         
          Relieved, he turns nonchalantly to Ernie, ignoring the other
          horrified passengers.
                         
                          RICK
           You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie?
                         
                          ERNIE
           Nah, you can have 'em.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FARM DAY
                         
          A large haystack sits in the middle of a field. We hear
          Stuey's approaching scream.
                         
           STUEY (O.S.)
           AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
                         
          THUD! Stuey misses the haystack by a few feet. He hops to
          his feet and dusts himself off.
                         
                          STUEY
           Hey, I'm okay!
                         
          BONK! His scrapbook falls into frame and beans him.
                         
                          STUEY
           OW!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. SANTA FLAN AIRPORT - DAY
                         
          We see the airliner lowering its landing gear as it makes its
          final approach to the runway.
                         
                          RICK (VO)
           Here we are Ernie, Santa Spam.
           World famous for loud music and hot
           sex!
                         
                          ERNIE (VO)
           It is?
                         
                          RICK (VO)
           Give me a few hours.
                         
          KA-BLOOEY! The plane explodes in a fireball. Swish-pan to
          reveal...
                         
          RICK AND ERNIE
           10.
                         
                         
          Standing just outside the airport. A porter follows with
          their bags.
                         
                          RICK
           Sure glad that wasn't our plane.
                         
          Ernie nods. They're distracted by the sound of chanting.
          They squint into the distance, where they see a group of
          chanting PROTESTERS--young "Save the Earth" types, latter-day
          hippies, kids, seniors, etc.
                         
                          PROTESTERS
           EES mustn't stay! Take your toxic
           crap away! EES mustn't stay!
           (etc.)
                         
          Some of their signs read--"Say No to Noxon!", "Coogan Go
          Home", "EES is killing our Earth!", "Ricky Coogan Sucks Shit"
          (this one held by a nice LITTLE GIRL), "I Like Ike" (held by
          a confused OLD MAN, shuffling around aimlessly), "Drink
          Pepsi" and finally...
                         
          "Free Nelson Mandela"--we WIDEN to reveal the subheading:
          "Inside specially marked boxes." We keep WIDENING to reveal
          that this is not on a protest placard, but a box of cereal
          some GUY is eating as he watches the protest.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Jesus! We better find the limo
           before these whale kissers chop us
           up and sell us for parts.
           (he spots the limo)
           There it is.
                         
          Off to the side, away from the protesters, an unmarked limo
          with tinted windows (and plates that say NOT EES) awaits.
          KEVIN, an EES exec, leans out the window and waves discreetly
          at Ricky. The stewardesses, looking tipsy, wave their bras
          out the back window invitingly.
                         
          Ernie tries to grab Ricky by the arm, but he resists. He's
          looking at the protesters.
                         
                          RICK
           Wait a second...
                         
          His POV...
                         
          A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN
                         
          standing in the center of the crowd of protesters, holding a
          MEGAPHONE to her mouth and chanting. She puts down the
          megaphone to rest, and we can see that she's powerfully
          beautiful, in a no-nonsense feminist kind of way. This is
          JULIE. Rick is smitten.
           11.
                         
                         
                          ERNIE
           Let's go, Rick. They're waitin'.
                         
                          RICK
           Forget them. I got a better idea.
           If I can just find the right
           disguise...
                         
                          ERNIE
           Coog, those hippies'll tear us
           apart.
                         
          Rick spots a HEAVILY BANDAGED MAN limping out of the airport
          on crutches. Rick approaches him, waving a roll of bills.
                         
                          RICK
           Hey, how'd you like to make a quick
           hundred bucks?
                         
          The man mutters something weakly. Ernie puts his ear up
          close to hear him better.
                         
                          ERNIE
           He says the pants don't usually
           come off for less than two-fifty,
           but since you're so cute, he'll
           make an exception.
                         
                          FLIP TO:
                         
                         RICK
                         
          buried beneath rolls and rolls of bandages, making his way
          through the protesters on crutches. Ernie helps him along,
          nervously. As Rick spots Julie from behind, he hands the
          crutches over to Ernie.
                         
                          RICK
           Here.
                         
          Ernie takes the crutches. Rick waves his arms dramatically,
          clutches his bandaged legs, and winces in pain.
                         
                          RICK
           Help! Ow! Give me back my
           crutches! You monster! Oh, the
           pain! The agony!
                         
          He falls theatrically at Julie's feet.
                         
                          JULIE
           Are you okay? Let me help you!
           12.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Thanks. Don't worry about me.
           What's one man's pain weighed
           against the global injustice of
           corporate tyrants like EES? Go.
           The fight must continue.
                         
          Julie's buying it big time. She gazes deep into Rick's eyes.
                         
                          JULIE
           Wow... My name's Julie.
                         
                          RICK
           Josh. Josh Tavner.
                         
          Ernie sticks a hand out, grinning sarcastically.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Mother Theresa. Glad to meet you.
                         
          Julie turns on Ernie viciously. She slaps him hard, and
          grabs the crutches from him.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Ow! Hey!
                         
                          JULIE
           Give me those, ape. Help him up.
                         
          Rick rises to his feet "painfully."
                         
                          JULIE
           Hey Josh, a busload of us are
           headed over to Maracas to protest
           Noxon 24 and pelt Ricky Coogan with
           cow shit.
                         
                          RICK
           Same here! You could ride with us.
                         
                          JULIE
           Us? You're with him?
                         
          She looks at Ernie, who grins stupidly.
                         
                          RICK
           Oh, he's okay. Have you ever heard
           of an idiot savant?
                         
                          JULIE
           Sure.
                         
                          RICK
           That's Ernie. Except for the
           savant part.
           13.
                         
                         
          Ernie glares at Rick. Rick smiles at Julie hopefully. Julie
          looks at them both, and can't help smiling herself.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. CAR - DAY
                         
          Ernie drives the battered old convertible which bears the
          proud logo of Santa Flan Rent-a-Car. There's a Pepsi
          billboard in the background. Julie massages Rick in the back
          seat.
                         
                          RICK
           (faking terrible pain)
           Ooooh, my pelvis.
                         
                          JULIE
                          (SYMPATHETIC)
           Is this better?
                         
          ERNIE'S POV IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
                         
          Rick moans and cracks a huge grin through his bandages.
          Ernie tries to get in on the conversation.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey Julie. You know I'm kind of an
           idea man myself. Like, let's say
           there's a nuclear war, and the only
           two people left are you and the
           Pope... Would you pork him?
                         
          Disgusted, Julie smacks Ernie sharply and continues massaging
          Rick. Scowling with jealousy, Ernie tries a new approach.
                         
                          ERNIE
           But one thing's for sure. That
           Coogan guy sure is an asshole, huh?
                         
                          JULIE
           I'll say! What a total piece of
           shit. Don't you think so, Josh?
                         
          Rick grits his teeth.
                         
                          RICK
                          (MUMBLES NONCOMMITTALLY)
           Well, he's got a few problems.
                         
                          JULIE
           And what a lousy actor! I mean can
           you believe that "Hey Dude" crap?
           14.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Well, with a script that bad,
           Coogan deserves an Oscar for coming
           off as good as he did!
                          (CATCHES HIMSELF)
           I mean, that's what I read.
                         
                          JULIE
           Well, he's no Christian Slater.
                         
                          RICK
                          (EXPLODES)
           SLATER!? I could act circles
           around that one-note hack! He was
           shittin' his diapers when I was the
           toast of Broadway! I made grown
           men cry! I made crippled children
           laugh! Now all I ever hear is
           Slater! Slater! Slater! WELL
           SLATER CAN KISS MY ASS! YOU HEAR
           ME?
                         
          Enraged, Rick rips the bandages off his face.
                         
                          RICK
           You think Slater could improv like
           this? Make you believe he was an
           invalid!? Huh!?
                         
          Julie stares at him in shock. Rick catches his breath,
          realizes what he's just done, and smiles weakly. Ernie tries
          to break the awkward silence.
                         
                          ERNIE
                          (TO JULIE)
           So, do you like Swedish films?
                         
          Julie gives him a murderous look.
                         
           FADE TO BLACK.
           FADE UP ON:
                         
                         
          EXT. DIRT HIGHWAY - LATER
                         
          High wide shot: The car is descending deeper into the wild
          jungle, towards a huge eerie sunset.
                         
          IN THE CAR
                         
          Julie's been lecturing Rick for some time now.
                         
                          JULIE
           You don't even want to hear the
           truth about Noxon, do you, Coogan?
                          (MORE)
           15.
                          JULIE(CONT'D)
           I mean, look, I'm not saying this
           stuff is going to turn anyone into
           a... a...
                         
                         RICK'S POV
                         
          on the road behind Julie he sees a crude carnival billboard
          featuring a painting of a huge worm with a man's head. It
          reads "See the Incredabel Humin Werm! Only at Elijah C.
          Skuggs Famus Freek Land." Julie can't see it.
                         
                          RICK
                          (DISTRACTED)
           Human worm...
                         
                          JULIE
           Right. A human worm. I mean,
           that's just stupid. The point is--
                         
          Rick sees another billboard for the freak show. This one
          features a half-man/half-dog creature and says "See the
          Aztownding Dawg Boy!"
                         
                          RICK
           Dog boy...
                         
                          JULIE
           Yeah, or a dog boy. That's absurd.
                          BUT--
                         
          Another billboard. This one features the "Hidyous Frawg
          Man."
                         
                          RICK
           Hideous frog man.
                         
                          JULIE
           Okay, okay. Now you're just being
           silly. Human suffering's just a
           big joke to you, huh? You are
           sick, Coogan!
                         
          She turns away from him in a huff and looks out her window.
          She sees a billboard that reads "See The Hole Amazing Famly
          of Freekz at Elijah C. Skuggs Famus Freek Land and Mutent
          Emporeum!"
                         
                          JULIE
           Cool! A freak show! Let's check
           it out!
                         
                          RICK
           Kind of like a family reunion for
           you, huh?
           16.
                         
                         
                          ERNIE
           Lighten up, Coog, could be a goof.
                         
                         
          EXT. JUNGLE ROADWAY
                         
          The car turns into a driveway near a crude, hand painted sign
          that says "FreekzTM--Thiss waey" with a messy arrow...
                         
          We ZOOM IN to the hand painted "small print" on the bottom of
          the sign, which reads--"Freekz is a registered trademark of
          Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any unauthorized reproduction
          is strictly prohibited without prior written consent."
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FREEKZ COMPOUND
                         
          The car stops at the end of the long, spooky driveway, just
          past a sizzling electric fence. Rick, Julie, and Ernie get
          out and look around. It's eerily quiet.
                         
          There is a large dilapidated mining shed complete with rusted
          ducts and a tall smoke stack, a tattered carnival tent with
          an ornate stage flat facade, a lopsided outhouse, a creepy
          broken-down farm house, and in the center of it all, a giant
          molded carnival head with big staring eyes, which slowly
          rotates on a creaky base.
                         
          Ernie looks hard at the big eyes. He turns away for a
          second, then spins around again. The EYES are looking in a
          different direction. Ernie shakes his head and unwraps a
          chocolate bar.
                         
                          JULIE
           Isn't it great? It's so "real"...
                         
                          RICK
           Real stupid.
                          (TO ERNIE)
           Let's go. This place is dead.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Yeah. Where are all the weirdos?
                         
           VOICE (O.S.)
           There are no weirdos here.
                         
          Startled, they turn to see ELIJAH C. SKUGGS, a twisted,
          haggard old man. He takes a bite out of an ice cream cone
          which contains the rear half of a chipmunk with a maraschino
          cherry on top. Elijah has bad teeth, a bad shave, and scary
          eyes. We now realize the giant head is molded in his image.
           17.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Mutants, yes. Genetic nightmares,
           definitely. Children of Hell and
           twisted masses of living, breathing
           tormented flesh, certainly. But as
           for weirdos... not a one. Unless
           of course you count me! Ha ha ha!
                         
                          RICK
           Nah, you seem like a regular
           dumbshit old redneck to me.
                         
          Elijah ignores him. Julie shoots him a look and smiles at
          Elijah.
                         
                          JULIE
           I'm Julie. And you are...
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Elijah C. Skuggs, proud proprietor
           of Skugg's Fabulous Freak Land and
           Mutant Emporium. But you knew
           that. After all, you've ventured
           miles away from civilization,
           hospitals, telephones,
                          (TO RICK)
           police... How may I help-you?
                         
                          RICK
           Drop dead.
                         
          Elijah smiles, unfazed. Julie glares at Rick. She smiles
          apologetically at Elijah.
                         
                          JULIE
           We'd like to see your freak show.
           You see, only by appreciating the
           variety and innovation of nature
           can we come to respect the fragile
           complexity of our global eco-
           system.
                         
          Elijah nudges Ernie.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           And you come to me looking for
           weirdos?
                         
          Ernie shrugs. He goes to take a bite out of his chocolate
          bar and finds only the empty wrapper left in his hand.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey! What the--
                         
          He looks behind him, and there--about ten feet away--is...
           18.
                         
                         
          A HULKING BALD MAN
                         
          warts all over, squatting on the ground and chewing happily.
          This is TOAD.
                         
          Julie and Rick turn and see him.
                         
                          JULIE
                          (REPULSED)
           Eeuuuwww...
           (composes herself and
                          WAVES)
           Ahem. Hello.
                         
          Toad doesn't respond to her waves.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Mr. Toad is my... assistant. As
           for the show, I'm afraid the next
           parade of deformity isn't until
           tomorrow night...
                         
          Rick and Ernie pretend to be disappointed. They turn to
          leave. Julie's sincerely upset.
                         
                          JULIE
           Oh, just our luck...
                         
          Elijah grabs Rick's shoulder and turns him around.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           However! I do have a private
           exhibit in my shed you might enjoy.
           I don't usually share it with the
           general public...
                         
                          RICK
           We're deeply honored. But no
           thanks.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Yeah. We really must be--
                         
          He raises his cigarette to his lips, but it's gone! He turns
          to see Toad, ten feet behind him, puffing away happily.
          Hmmm. Elijah is already leading Julie towards the shed.
                         
                          JULIE
           The sideshow tradition has been
           misrepresented by the media. You
           don't traffic in human misery. You
           show society the part of itself it
           doesn't want to look at.
           19.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Yes... Yesm I see...
                         
          He looks over to Rick and Ernie with a grin that says
          "Where'd you find this nutty chick?"
                         
          Rick shrugs and follows, taking Ernie with him.
                         
                          ERNIE
           What the heck. We'll see some
           pickled dog brains, maybe some
           pictures of women with, you know,
           added equipment.
                         
                          RICK
           And to think we could be in the
           limo with those stewardesses.
                         
          Elijah holds the shed door open for them. It's pitch black
          inside. Julie enters. Rick and Ernie follow.
                         
                          ERNIE
           What the hell, Coog, these people
           are weird, but they seem nice
           enough.
                         
          A CUTE BUNNY
                         
          sits outside the shed. THWAP! Toad lashes out with his ten
          foot tongue, and sucks the bunny into his mouth. He shuffles
          into the shed, crunching contentedly.
                         
          Elijah closes the shed doors in our face, grinning. we hear
          a lonq peal of EVIL LAUGHTER from inside.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HE-HE-HE! HA-
           HAHA! HE-HO-HE-HE-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-
           HEHA! YAH-HA-HA-HA-HEE-HEE-HO-HA-
           HE-HE!
                         
                         
          INT. SHED
                         
          It's dark and spooky. Elijah stands in a pool of light,
          reading a Family Circus cartoon in the funny pages.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           HA-HE-HE-HE! God I love the Family
           Circus! How do they do it day
           after day? It's amazing.
                         
          He turns to...
                         
          RICK, JULIE, AND.ERNIE
           20.
                         
                         
          as Toad finishes strapping them onto massive Frankenstein-
          style operating tables. They struggle desperately against
                         THE STRAPS
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO ELIJAH)
           ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Well, I guess they do use the same
           joke over and over. I'm just a
           sucker for that little moffet's
           shenanigans, that's all.
           (he tosses the funnies
                          ASIDE)
           But perhaps I should tell you a
           little more about what I do. You
           see, I not only exhibit freaks, I
           make them. Just like Michelangelo
           saw the angel in the stone, I look
           at a guy like Kevin Costner and see
           a giant peach grub who can fart the
           Blue Danube!
           (mops brow, asks
                          OFFHANDEDLY)
           Am I crazy or is it hot in here?
                         
          Rick, Julie, and Ernie shoot him a look that pretty well
          answers his question. Elijah shrugs and goes back to his
          spiel.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Behold! The Tasty Freekz machine!
                         
          He pulls a tarp off a huge complicated machine. Several
          drums and vats of various chemicals feed through a crude
          network of pipes, gadgets and computers into an old Tasty
          Freeze soft serve ice cream machine (The logo has been
          changed to "Tasty Freekz"). The biggest vat reads "NOXON
          24."
                         
                          JULIE
           My God! He's using Noxon Twenty-
           Four!
                         
                          RICK
           Hey! You're not supposed to have
           that stuff!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Oh? Well, I guess I'm not supposed
           to have these either!
           21.
                         
                         
          He holds up a matching towel and washcloth embroidered with
          the "Ramada Inn" logo. Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp. He
          tosses the towels.
                         
          As Elijah gets worked up into a frenzy, the ambience in the
          room becomes more and more horrific: the sunlight is replaced
          by an eerie green glow, a thunderstorm rumbles to life, a
          raven perches on the windowsill, a rat scurries across the
          floor, one of those plastic "Bony Banks" reaches out and
          grabs a quarter...
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I need only punch a few buttons on
           this magnificent device, and it
           gives me an easy-to-apply ointment
           that will mutate a perfect young
           body, bubble its skin, warp its
           bones and twist its guts into AN
           UNSPEAKABLY REPULSIVE, STOMACH-
           TURNING FREAK OF MY OWN DESIGN!
                         
          Elijah's hair is now standing on end. He's foaming at the
          mouth. A bolt of lightning and THUNDERCLAP cap the
          monologue.
                         
                          JULIE
           Wait a minute. Does this mean
           we're not going to see a show?
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (IGNORES HER)
           Toad, fire up that machine, and
           let's turn these hapless asswipes
           into monstrosities!
                         
           RICK, JULIE, ERNIE
                          (TOGETHER)
           AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Now let's see. Who wants to get
           freaked first?
                         
                          ERNIE
           (points at Julie)
           Ladies first!
                         
                          JULIE
           Go screw yourself!
                         
                          ERNIE
           If I were you, I would!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Hmmmm.
           22.
                         
                         
          Toad is adjusting some knobs on the machine. Elijah steps
          past him to a jerry-rigged computer console. He punches some
          keys and some rotating DNA models appear on the monitor.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           (mumbling to himself)
           It's like Yin and Yang... AC/DC...
           two birds with one stone... Yeah,
           it's pretty darn good, really...
                         
          He presses "enter" and the computer beeps. He smiles.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Let 'er rip, Toad!
                         
          Toad yanks a pull-start cord and the machine rumbles to life.
          Elijah pulls the Tasty Freekz lever and fills a small dish
          with phosphorescent ointment. Toad cuts open their clothes,
          exposing their sides, and pushes them close together.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Wait a second. You're really gonna
           smear that stuff on us and mutate
           our body parts!?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Correct.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Well... then could you give me a
           really big rodney?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I'm a mad scientist pal, not a
           miracle worker.
                         
          Elijah smears the ointment on their exposed sides. Their
          skin begins to bubble and undulate.
                         
                          JULIE/ERNIE
           Oh God!... No!... Holy shit!
                          (ETC)
                         
          A grapefruit-sized lump pops up on Ernie's side, then another
          on Julie's side, and then the lumps do a little synchronized
          dance together. Suddenly Ernie's flesh balloons out and
          melds into Julie's side. The mass of connected skin
          continues to bubble and mutate. Odd shapes press up under
                         THE SKIN:
                         
          Four humans faces that quickly become Mount Rushmore...
                         
          The Pepsi logo--"Pepsi: The Choice of a New Generation"...
          Julie and Ernie merge into one amorphous flesh blob which
          then takes the form of...
           23.
                         
                         
          Demon versions of GUMBY and his magic horse POKEY. Gumby's
          got his back to camera. He's grabbing his crotch and
          flipping everyone off.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Gumby! Put that thing away!
                         
          Gumby and Pokey mutate back into a blob and then into...
                         
                         JULIE/ERNIE
                         
          joined side to side, their two heads on a single body which
          is split down the middle--half Julie, half Ernie. Elijah
          wheels a large mirror in front of them.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Feast your eyes!
                         
                          JULIE
           NOOOOO!
                         
                          ERNIE
           Well, at least I'll never have to
           go far for a piece of tail.
                         
                          JULIE
           Pig!
                         
          She SMACKS him.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Ouch! I was just trying to keep
           things light. Oh God! Why me!?
                         
          He starts blubbering uncontrollably. Toad drags them towards
          the door.
                         
                          JULIE
           Mother always said there'd be days
           like this. And I thought she was
           nuts!
                         
          They exit. Elijah turns to Rick.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           (gestures to Julie/Ernie)
           A mere party trick. But you,
           you're gonna be special.
                         
          Elijah steps over to the computer console and starts punching
          keys.
                         
                          RICK
                          (GETS TOUGH)
           Let me go, Skuggs, or else!
                          (MORE)
           24.
                         
           I got some RICK(cont'd)
           friends that'll come
           down here and mess you up bad,
           homey!
           (Elijah chuckles. Rick
           tries a different
                          APPROACH)
           I got some other friends who can
           score you box seats at the
           Superbowl, no problem.
                          (ANOTHER FAILURE)
           YOU EVER HAD YOUR BALLS CUT OFF,
           YOU FUCKIN' APE?!
           (switches gears again)
           You ever had a hot fudge bath with
           Morgana? [foreign take: Madonna]
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (LOOKS UP--INTERESTED)
           You know her?
                         
          Rick nods hopefully. Elijah considers it for a moment, then
          frowns.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Ah, screw it. I'd never get
           anywhere with her. TOAD! FIRE UP
           THAT INFERNAL YOGURT MACHINE!
                         
          Toad starts the machine. Elijah pulls the lever and
          dispenses a bowl full of glowing ointment. He carries it
          towards Rick, leering maniacally.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           For years I've strived to create
           the ultimate monster. The first of
           a whole new generation of
           superfreaks! Now I've finally got
           you, the perfect subject--a real
           asshole! HA-HA-
           (he pauses and looks
           closer at Rick)
           Wait a minute. Aren't you the guy
           from "Hey Dude Three-The
           Beguiling?"
                         
                          RICK
           Yeah, that's me!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           You were great in that picture! Oh
           well, I guess for the next one
           they'll have to get Christian
           Slater! HA-HA-HA!
           25.
                         
                         
          Elijah squishes the ointment into Rick's horrified face.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. THE LAB - NIGHT
                         
          The barn looks especially sinister silhouetted against a big
          green moon. A huge ball of flame belches out of the smoke
          stack.
                         
           RICK (O.S.)
           AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGG!
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. THE LAB - MORNING
                         
          It's eerily quiet in the dawn light.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Extreme close-up of Rick's eye as it opens, and searches the
          room frantically. Close-up of Rick's hand--a normal hand--
          straining at the bonds.
                         
          RICK's POV groggily searches the lab, and picks up the
          blurred image of Elijah in the distance. He's on the phone,
          speaking in hushed tones.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           This is Red Swan. May I speak to
           the Laughing Man?... Yes, I'll
           hold.
                         
          For a moment, Elijah is entertained by hold music to the tune
          of "Freak Out," by Chic. A man's laughing voice comes on the
          other end of the line. It laughs throughout the
          "conversation".
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Laughing Man? Red Swan. I've done
           it! I found the perfect subject--
           huge ego, shallow personality,
           almost no moral values... A
           lawyer? No, better. An actor.
           Yeah, the guy from those hilarious
           "Hey Dude" movies! Hahahaha--
                         
          Laughing man has stopped laughing. Elijah dummies up.
           26.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (SHEEPISHLY)
           Well, I liked 'em.
                         
          Laughing man resumes laughing. Elijah listens intently.
                         
                          ELIJAH (CONT'D)
           Right... Yes... Yes, I see...
           But that's just it. He's not
           quite, uh, finished. I need more
           Noxon so I can--
                         
          Laughing Man laughs so loudly Elijah has to hold the phone
          away.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (ASIDE)
           Geez, what a grouch.
                         
          Over on the slab, Rick groans. He's waking up. Elijah
          notices.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           (to Laughing man)
           Laughing Man? I have to go. What
           about the Noxon? Two days? Great,
           you can see everything then...
           Yeah, you take it easy too.
                         
          Elijah hangs up the phone, and strides over towards Rick.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Wakey, wakey. Time to meet and
           greet the new you.
                         
                          RICK
           Huh?
                         
          He flips the slab right-side up, and holds up a mirror.
          Rick's eyes widen in terror as he beholds his hideous new
          form. Rick's left half has been transformed into a hideous,
          bug-eyed monster!
                         
                          RICK
           AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. LAB - MORNING
                         
          BANG! The doors fly open. Elijah drags Rick out.
          Horrified, Rick clutches the monster side of his face.
           27.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Oh God! This was my good side!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Still is if you ask me! Hell, even
           half-done, you'll be the star of
           the show tonight.
                         
          Elijah stops in front of the tiny outhouse.
                         
                          ELIJAH (CONT'D)
           Welcome to your spacious
           accommodations.
                         
          He unlocks the door and drags Rick in.
                         
                         
          INT. OUTHOUSE
                         
          Oddly, the interior is a vast barracks, fifty feet long and
          thirty feet high. Rick looks around.
                         
                          RICK
                          (IMPRESSED)
           Great use of the space.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I learned it all from Bob Vila.
                         
          BOB VILA walks up next to Elijah.
                         
                          BOB
           You know you could expose those
           rustic beams and put in a skylight
           over one weekend, Elijah.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Give it a rest, Bob!
                         
          He pushes Bob away into the freak house, gives Rick a goodbye
          wink and walks out the door.
                         
                         
          EXT. OUTHOUSE
                         
          Elijah pauses and looks at the tiny outhouse.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           One of these days I gotta put a
           shitter in there.
                         
          Bob Vila steps out of nowhere again, holding a Time-Life
          book.
           28.
                         
                         
                          BOB
           No problem. It's all here in my
           Beds and Bathrooms book, Elijah.
           And you pay nothing for thirt--
                         
          BONK! Elijah knocks him out cold with a ball-peen hammer
          from his tool belt.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          It takes a few moments for Rick's eyes to adjust to the dim
          light. There's nobody in sight. The walls are lined with
          dark cubicles, stacked atop each other with walkways like
          prison cells. Rick staggers to his feet, and makes his way
          forward.
                         
                          RICK
           Ernie? Julie?
                         
                          ERNIE
           Over here, Coog.
                         
                          JULIE
           Are you alright?
                         
          Rick sees the vague outline of JulieErnie a few yards away.
                         
                          RICK
           I know that voice. That's the
           voice that said,
                          (MIMICS)
           "Cool, a freak show. Let's check
           it out!"
                         
                          JULIE
           What!? Oh sure, blame the woman.
           Typical.
                         
                          RICK
                          (MIMICS)
           "It's so real." Is this real
           enough for you? I'm friggin'
           Quasimodo!
                         
                          ERNIE
           Chill out, Coog. You're talking to
           the original tag team of ugly
           pukes. Step into the light.
                         
                          RICK
           Okay, here I come.
           29.
                         
                         
          Rick steps forward into a pool of light. Julie and Ernie are
          caught by surprise. Julie struggles to keep her composure.
          Ernie's repulsed.
                         
                          ERNIE
           ULP!
                         
          Ernie turns away and pukes on the floor. Julie soldiers on.
                         
                          JULIE
           Oh geez... It's not so (GULP)
           revolting. After all, physical
           beauty is just a socially-enforced
           myth that we, uh, oh shit... ULPI
                         
          Julie turns away and pukes on the floor.
                         
                          RICK
                          (OFFENDED)
           Yeah, well, you're no Mona Lisas
           yourself. You're lucky I've got a
           strong stomach!
                         
           VOICE (O.C.)
           And you're lucky I don't BITE you!
           Heh heh heh heh ...
                         
          Rick wheels around to see JUAN THE DOG BOY, snickering behind
          him. Juan is a hairy young Mexican with a snout, dog ears,
          and canine teeth--Scrappy Doo with an attitude.
                         
          Rick assumes a threatening pose.
                         
                          RICK
           Get away from me you, you...
                         
                          JUAN
           Freak? Ha ha hahahaha!
           (he stares hard at Rick)
           I am Juan the Dog Boy, leader of
           the freaks.
                         
                          JULIE
           (walks up to them)
           Kind of the "top dog."
                         
          Juan scratches himself behind the ear with his hind leg.
                         
                          JUAN
           Welcome to Hell, Rick. Shake?
                         
          He extends a hand to Rick. Rick doesn't take it. He hears a
          slight RUSTLING noise from the direction of the cubicles, and
          turns to look around the apparently empty Freak House.
           30.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           No thanks. I don't plan on staying
           long. How many of you are there in
           here anyway?
                         
          Juan shrugs mischievously and sticks his snout in Rick's
          face.
                         
                          JUAN
           First, I have a question for you,
           Ricardo. Who starred in the film
           "International Velvet?"
                         
                          RICK
           Huh?
                         
                          JUAN
           Well, perhaps we should ask the
           Worm!
                         
          The top right cubicle lights up, revealing the WORM. He is a
          man with no arms and legs, and the wrinkly, slimy body of a
          worm. His face is learned-looking, with spectacles, a small
          goatee, and a pipe which he puffs on pompously.
                         
                          JUAN
           Tell us, Worm, who starred in
           "International Velvet?"
                         
          He puffs pensively on his pipe for a second.
                         
                          THE WORM
           Yes, yes ... very interesting...
           International Velvet... The
           perfectly appalling sequel to
           National Velvet, I believe. No
           dramatic verisimilitude whatsoever.
                         
                          JUAN
           Yes, Worm. But who was the star?
                         
          The worm takes a long, thoughtful drag on his pipe...
                         
                          WORM
           Olivia DeHavilland.
                         
                          JUAN
           Olivia DeHavilland... Rick, do you
           agree or disagree?
                         
                          RICK
           This is nuts. This is crazy...
           Besides, it was Tatum O'Neill.
           31.
                         
                         
                          JUAN
           Very good. It was Tatum O'Neill,
           now married to tennis star John
           McEnroe. Circle gets the square.
                         
          The lights come on in 9 of the center cubicles, silhouetting
          9 freaks in a full size HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 3 x 3 layout. The
          FREAKS applaud Rick's success. He's incredulous.
                         
                          OTHER FREAKS
           Yayyy!
                         
          Worm nudges an "0" into place in his cubicle, with some
          difficulty. He's not happy about being proved wrong.
                         
                          WORM
           Blast. O'Neill ... No talent
           ragamuffin...
                         
                          JUAN
           okay, JulieErnie, your turn. Who's
           it going to be?
                         
          As Juan names the freaks one by one, their square is
          highlighted, and they wave at Rick cheerily.
                         
                          JUAN (CONT'D)
           Nosey the Nose Man!
                         
          NOSEY is a man whose massive nose dominates his head. He
          blows into a huge hanky, and waves it wearily at Rick.
                         
                          JUAN (CONTD)
           Cowboy!
                         
          COWBOY is a young boy with cow-like features, a cowboy hat,
          cowboy clothes, and a full set of udders.
                         
                          JUAN (CONT-D)
           The Bearded Lady!
                         
          The BEARDED LADY is a big, tough, bearded man--in a blouse.
          He has lipstick, earrings, and tattoos on his muscular arms.
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           (gruff and masculine)
           How ya' doin.
                         
                          JUAN
           Sockhead!
                         
          SOCKHEAD is a freak with a large button-eyed sock puppet for
          a head. He's munching cookies which ,spill uselessly out of
          his throatless sock mouth...
           32.
                         
                         
                          JUAN
           The Human Torch!
                         
          The HUMAN TORCH is a man engulfed in flames. He waves
          apathetically.
                         
                          JUAN
           Rosie the Pinhead!
                         
          ROSIE is a pinhead in dark sunglasses. She has a great bod
          jammed into a sexy dress. She smokes a cigarette demurely,
          and waves a small, arrogant big-star wave.
                         
                          JUAN
           The hideous Frog Man!
                         
          Frogman is just a guy in a scuba outfit. He strikes a
          threatening "monster" pose, then gives a friendly wave.
                         
                          JUAN
           And of course, in the center
           square, Mr. Paul Lynde!
                         
          Suddenly the lighting changes to flashing red horror lights
          with plenty of dark shadows. There's a horrific MUSIC STING
          and we ZOOM IN to a DECOMPOSING SKELETON in the center
          cubicle. Its eyeball drips out of the socket.
                         
                          JUAN
           Well JulieErnie, who will it be?
                         
                          ERNIE
           Call me old-fashioned, but I'll go
           with Paul Lynde.
                         
                          JULIE
           Don't be an idiot.
                         
          They argue back and forth, hitting and poking each other 3
          Stooges style. Juan turns to Rick.
                         
                          JUAN
           You see, Rick? Just because we're
           freaks doesn't mean we can't have
           some fun, huh?
                         
          Rick is overwhelmed by it all. He backs away.
                         
                          RICK
           Get away from me. Get away! I'm
           not like you. You hear me? I'm
           Ricky Coogan! I AM NOT A FREAK!
           33.
                         
                         
          The Freaks laugh in Rick's face. He storms off.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
          ANOTHER AREA OF THE FREAK HOUSE--A LITTLE LATER
                         
          Rick sits in a corner, pondering his fate. Oddly, there's a
          shiny new Pepsi machine in this dingy corner of the Freak
          House. JulieErnie approach him.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Okay Coog, so I get twenty four
           hour access to T `n' A, and you
           look like a plate of rancid
           giblets. We're still pals, right?
                         
          Rick shoots him a look.
                         
                          JULIE
           All the freaks have gone through
           this anguish, Rick. At first, I
           was blinded by my anger. I admit
           it. I wanted to break your neck
           for getting me into this. But I
           got over it. Juan taught me to
           channel my anger for the common
           good.
                         
                          RICK
           It was your fault, anyway. You
           wanted to see the freak show.
                         
                          JULIE
                          (FURIOUS)
           I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!
                         
          She tries to wring his neck. Ernie helps. Rick glares at
          Ernie.
                         
                          RICK
           Ernie!
                         
                          ERNIE
           Oh... Sorry, Coog. For a second
           there, I was a total man-hater.
           Weird.
                         
          Julie regains her cool. She takes out a pamphlet, scribbles
          something on it, and hands it to Rick.
                         
                          JULIE
           Here. Take it.
                         
          Rick examines the cover. He reads it aloud.
           34.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           "So You're a Hideous Mutant Freak--
           Now What?"
                         
          There's an "8" scribbled on the pamphlet.
                         
                          JULIE
           we're in cubicle eight. Maybe
           later you'll be ready to talk.
                         
                          RICK
           Forget it. Not me. I'm not like
           those other god-forsaken animals.
                         
          He throws the-pamphlet to the ground, just as the Worm,
          Bearded Lady, and Sockhead approach. They sit down in a
          circle around him. The Worm looks down at the pamphlet and
          puffs thoughtfully on his pipe.
                         
                          WORM
           You're mistaken, Rick. You are
           exactly like us. We were all
           normal healthy folk before we made
           the fateful mistake of visiting
           this hell hole at an off hour.
           Why, when I first came here...
                         
                          WAVY FLASHBACK
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - THE PAST
                         
          The Worm, as an OXFORD PROFESSOR, is wandering around the
          grounds, taking notes and puffing on his pipe.
                         
           WORM (V.O.)
           I was a professor of lacrophylogy--
           er, the study of worms, of course.
           I came in search of the
           Epsosophecci dilepsidae--in layman
           terms, the fat pudgy worm. Mr.
           Skuggs said he had just such a worm
           in his shed. How could I have
           surmised that the specimen and I
           would ultimately prove to be one
           and the same?
                         
          We see professor Worm meet Elijah, and follow him into the
          lab. The smoke stack belches a plume of flames as we hear
          his off-camera screams. DISSOLVE back to..
                         
          THE FREAK HOUSE--NOW
                         
          The Worm finishes his tale.
           35.
                         
                         
                          WORM
           At first, the transformation was
           fabulous. I truly understood the
           worm's ethos like never before.
           But those early days of fascination
           are over. Now, in retrospect, I
           think the whole thing is a fucking
           headache. I'd sell my soul just to
           be able to wipe my own ass...
                         
          He sniffles a little, but manages to hold back the tears. We
          pan to Sockhead.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           I first came here as a tourist,
           looking for some fun...
                         
                          FLASHBACK
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN
                         
          A lanky TOURIST, obviously Sockhead in better days. He
          approaches Elijah.
                         
           SOCKHEAD (V.O.)
           Anyway, then Elijah turned me into
           a sock. That's it.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW
                         
          Sockhead shrugs apologetically.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Sorry. I'm not much for stories.
                         
          The camera moves in on the BEARDED LADY.
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           When I arrived here, I was nothing
           like I am now.
                         
                          FLASHBACK
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN
                         
          The bearded lady (as a man) steps out of the cab of his
          eighteen-wheeler. He looks very much like he does now,
          except he has no lipstick or earrings.
           36.
                         
                         
           BEARDED LADY (V.O.)
           I was confused--a walking
           contradiction, so full of
           questions.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW
                         
          He finishes his story.
                         
           BEARDED LADY/MAN
           Now I know who I am. I can say,
           "Hey world. This is me. I'm a
           woman. And I like me."
                         
          The others look at the bearded man uneasily. The camera pans
          past the Bearded Lady, and moves in on an ordinary HAMMER
          lying on the ground.
                         
                          FLASHBACK
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
                         
          Happy music. The hammer is placed on a shelf by a friendly
          STOCKBOY. The music turns tense as Elijah appears and scans
          the shelf. He makes eye contact with the hammer, and smiles.
          He grabs the hammer roughly and shoves it in a plastic bag.
          Darkness.
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN
                         
          The bag opens, Elijah reaches in and takes out the hammer.
          The music turns to Psycho-like string stabs as Elijah uses
          the hammer to smash in a nail.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW
                         
          Everyone looks at the hammer sympathetically. Rick turns
          away to wipe a tear from his eye.
                         
                          WORM
           You are one of us now, Rick.
           Whether you admit it or not. It's
           irrefutable.
                         
                          RICK
           Yeah. Says you.
                         
          The worm shakes his head. The freaks turn and head back to
          their cubicles. Rick exchanges a look with Julie before she
          and Ernie turn and head off.
           37.
                         
                         
          Rick is left alone, staring pensively at the hammer.
                         
                          TIME DISSOLVE
                          TO:
                         
          Hours later, Rick is still staring at the hammer. He picks
          it up and stares at it more closely.
                         
                          TIME DISSOLVE
                          TO:
                         
          Hours later. Rick is still staring at the damn hammer. He
          nods with resolve.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO HAMMER)
           You're right.
                         
          He spots the pamphlet on the ground, picks it up, dusts it
          off. He opens it and begins to read, under the heading "1.
          It's Fun Being Ugly!"...
                         
          Rick closes the pamphlet, looks at the number "8" Julie
          scribbled, and nods with a sense of purpose. Standing up, he
          throws the hammer carelessly aside into the muck, and walks
          towards the cubicles.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          Rick walks past the cubicles. In one, the Bearded Lady knits
          a sweater... He reaches cubicle 8, and is about to speak
          when he hears Julie giggling. There is a man's voice, but
          not Ernie's. It's Juan.
                         
          Rick peeks around and sees Julie scratching Juan's belly. He
          licks her face happily, and she giggles with delight. Ernie
          is reading "The Woman's Room," trying not to notice all of
          this.
                         
          Rick watches, disgusted. He tears up the pamphlet, throws it
          to the ground, and storms off to find his own cubicle.
                         
          Ernie peeks at Julie and Juan continuing their foreplay.
          Juan stops abruptly.
                         
                          JUAN
           Hey. Mind your business.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Sorry.
           38.
                         
                         
          Ernie returns to his book. The camera PANS up to Rick's
          cubicle. He's sitting on his cot, distractedly whittling a
          log with his knife-like talon. He talks to himself, making
          sure to be loud enough for JulieErnie and Juan to hear.
                         
                          RICK
           Well that EES guy should rescue me
           any minute. Then it's straight to
           the plastic surgeon and back to
           sunny old L.A. I wonder how many
           of my beautiful, anatomically
           correct girlfriends will be waiting
           for me.
                         
           STUEY GLUCK (V.O.)
           I'll be waiting for you, Rick!
                         
                          RICK
           Thanks, Stuey.
                         
          Rick looks up and sees a holographic image of Stuey Gluck
          floating in the air above him.
                         
                          RICK
           AHH! A phantom troll!
                         
          He swings the log wildly at the hologram, but it keeps
          darting around, dodging the blows. Cowboy leans around the
          cubicle wall. He talks a lot like Gomer Pyle.
                         
                          COWBOY
                          (NEIGHBORLY)
           Seeing phantom trolls, Rick?
                         
                          RICK
                          (INNOCENTLY)
           No.
                         
          Rick stops swinging, lamely pretends he was stretching, and
          ignores Stuey, who hovers around him.
                         
                          COWBOY
           Sounds to me like you've developed
           a telepathic bond. Don't mean yer
           nuts or nuthin'. Heck, old Nosey,
           why he can smell the future. Lots
           of us freaks got E.S.P. And
           Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N.
                         
          He points at Sockhead, who's watching pro wrestling on a
          portable TV.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Watch out, Hulk! He's gonna try
           the skull cracker!
           39.
                         
                         
                          COWBOY
           Shucks, Rick, you're lucky.
           Telepathy like yours only occurs
           between real soulmates. A bond
           like that should be cherished.
                         
          Cowboy smiles and ducks back into his own cubicle.
                         
                          STUEY
           Wow! I'm Ricky Coogan's soulmate!
                         
                          RICK
           In your dreams! Now get lost,
           troll!
                         
          He swings wildly at the hologram, which starts to break up
          and fade away.
                         
                          STUEY
                          (FADING AWAY)
           Wait'll I tell the kids at school!
                         
          Stuey disappears. Cowboy leans into Rick's cubicle again.
                         
                          COWBOY
           Shucksm Rick, it don't make sense
           to spurn your soulmate. I reckon
           that troll could help you if you
           just let him into your heart.
                         
          Rick scoffs at him and starts whittling again.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. STUEY'S ROOM - DAY
                         
          It's a cramped room filled with Ricky Coogan memorabilia.
          Stuey is drawing a crude sketch of Rick on a pad. This
          sequence is set to brassy "man on a mission" music.
                         
                          STUEY
           Once America sees what happened to
           Ricky, they'll probably send the
           whole FBI down to save him!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. L.A. TIMES HALLWAY
                         
          Stuey marches towards a frosted glass door that reads "THE
          LOS ANGELES TIMES".
           40.
                         
                         
                          STUEY
           I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize
           for this scoop. And I'll dedicate
           it to Rick!
                         
          He walks through the door. Beat. SMASH! He comes flying
          out through the glass and lands on his butt.
                         
          THE "TIME MAGAZINE" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it.
                         
          THE "U.S.A. TODAY" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it.
                         
          THE "WEEKLY WORLD NEWS" DOOR--We see Stuey and an EDITOR
          silhouetted against the glass.
                         
           EDITOR (V.0.)
           Of course I'll print it! America
           needs to know! Burt! Give mister
           Gluck his fee and show him out.
                         
           STUEY (V.0.)
           That's okay. I know the way.
                         
          SMASH! Stuey dives through the glass door.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
                         
          Stuey proudly reads the weekly world News. The front page
          features Stuey's story and his sketch of Rick.
                         
                          STUEY
                          (READING ALOUD)
           "Freaky Deaky! Ricky Coogan's a
           mutant in South America! By Stuart
           S. Gluck."
           (to NEWSSTAND GUY)
           That's me!
                         
          Suddenly two GOONS in dark suits snatch the paper away from
          Stuey. They grab him and force him into a limousine.
                         
                         
          INT. LIMOUSINE
                         
          The Goons hold Stuey in between them.'He's terrified. we
          hear the low, menacing chuckle of the Laughing Man, who's off
          screen. The camera is his POV.
                         
                          LAUGHING MAN
           Heh heh heh heh hehh heh.
           41.
                         
                         
                          STUEY
           Sure I wrote the article. But--
                         
                          LAUGHING MAN
           Ha-ha-ha!
                         
                          STUEY
           No. You've got it all wrong. I
           don't know anything about that.
           You gotta believe me.
                         
                          LAUGHING MAN
           Ho-ho-hahahaha hee hee hoohaaa!
                         
                         THE LIMO
                         
          cruises off down the street. We hear a POWER DRILL, Stuey's
          SCREAMS, and Laughing Man's hearty CACKLE from inside.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. RICK'S CUBICLE - NIGHT
                         
          Rick has whittled his log down to a toothpick. He admires
          it, then leans over and fits it into an intricate three-foot
          scale model of the Eiffel Tower, made entirely out of
          toothpicks. The Human Torch walks by.
                         
                          HUMAN TORCH
           Wow, what a great model!
           (he points at a toothpick)
           But look, this one's crooked.
                         
          He reaches out to fix it and--WOOF! The whole model burns to
          a cinder. Rick looks at him hatefully.
                         
                          HUMAN TORCH
                          (STUPIDLY)
           Sorry.
                         
          Elijah steps into the freakhouse.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Alright, freaks! Get ready for the
           glamour! Get ready for the glitz!
           Get ready to be pelted with rotten
           vegetables, 'cause it's showtime!
                         
                          CUT TO:
           42.
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. CARNIVAL TENT
                         
          Elijah, looking natty in his Ringmaster suit, stands at the
          entrance, barking to various people who are drifting in.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           It's grisly! It's revolting! It'll
           make you wish you were dead! And
           at just twelve bucks a head, you
           can bring all the kids!
                         
          We follow a KINDLY FATHER through the curtained entrance.
          OOF! He collapses, a knife embedded in his chest, revealing
          the total mayhem...
                         
          INSIDE THE TENT
                         
          The motley crowd (LOCALS, sleazy looking MOBSTERS, rogue
          BIKERS, wayward HIPPIES, and JAPANESE TOURISTS, etc.) is
          brawling and drinking and having a heck of a time.
                         
          Some small displays and a few carnival booths are set up
          around the sides of the tent. There's a "PETTING ZOO" where
          a KID is petting a two-tailed-no-headed dog. And there's a
          "HEAVY PETTING ZOO" where a GUY is french kissing a six-
          legged goat.
                         
          A CLOWN sits in a dunk tank, heckling the customers. The
          sign says "DUNK ME IN ACID!"
                         
                          CLOWN
           C'mon, my granny could throw better
           than you!
                         
          He's talking to an OLD LADY, who throws a baseball, hits the
          target, and dunks the clown into the foaming bath of carbolic
          acid. We hear his gurgling screams, then his bony hand
          reaches up out of the bath.
                         
          Elijah walks out on stage and looks at the rowdy audience.
          It's total mayhem.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (CALMLY)
           Quiet, please.
                         
          Everyone instantly sits down, shuts up, and looks up
          obediently at Elijah.
           43.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
           you are about to witness a
           cavalcade of atrocities so
           horrific, I advise the more
           sensitive members of our audience
           to leave the premises.
                         
          Two SENSITIVE LOOKING MEN wearing sweaters draped over their
          shoulders politely get up and leave.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Tonight I'm proud to announce the
           addition of several new
           monstrosities to the show,
           including our star attraction, the
           Beast Boy--an untamed and highly
           dangerous ghoul who's liable to go
           nuts and kill us all at the drop of
           a hat.
           (impressed "oohs", "ahhs",
           and "cools" from the
                          AUDIENCE)
           But first up, prepare to behold an
           unspeakably repulsive yet
           heartwarming atrocity, Three Men
           and a Baby!
                         
          THREE MEN AND A BABY, all fused into a single multi-limbed
          freak, walks out onstage. One of its arms holds up a dirty
          diaper, and all the three men hold their noses and grimace.
          The audience breaks into warm-hearted laughter and applause.
                         
                         BACKSTAGE
                         
          The freaks mill around in the caged-in green room, guarded by
          Toad. Frogman, dressed in a magician's outfit over his
          wetsuit, holds an empty dove cage and searches the room,
          whistling for his missing dove. Nosey sneezes up a cloud of
          feathers. JulieErnie walk determinedly towards the adjacent
          Men's and Women's restrooms... BONK! They hit the wall
          between the two doors.
                         
          Rick is reading his "script", rehearsing his lines. He's
          wearing a cheesy "jungle" costume.
                         
                          RICK
           Arrrggg. I am Beast Boy. I will
           eat you. Arrrghh.
           (he throws down the
                          SCRIPT)
           I can't do this shit!
                         
          He peers through the bars, scanning the audience for signs.of
          a rescue party.
           44.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Damn it! What's keeping those
           guys?
                         
          The Worm creeps up behind Rick.
                         
                          WORM
           Something's troubling you, my boy.
           what is it?
                         
                          RICK
           Well, let's see. I've been
           kidnapped, hideously disfigured,
           imprisoned with a bunch of mutant
           freaks, my rescue party is M.I.A.,
           and this dialogue makes "Hey Dude
           Three" read like "Dr. Zhivago."
                         
                          WORM
           I think I know what you're going
           through. I too had an eating
           disorder. You see, I've always had
           a feverish obsession with pudding.
           And when I was a young lad...
                         
          Rick groans and looks out at the audience.
                         
                         ELIJAH
                         
          onstage.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           And now a perennial favorite here
           at Freakland, ladies and gentlemen.
           I know you'll all enjoy the musical
           stylings of Rosie the Pinhead.
                         
          Rosie the Pinhead struts out wearing a sexy dress and holding
          a microphone. After the applause dies down, she whips off
          her sunglasses with a flourish, revealing her extremely goofy-
          looking crossed eyes. She wails incomprehensibly and bonks
          her head with the mic.
                         
                          ROSIE
                          (DROOLING)
           EEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIEEEEEE...
                         
          A series of WIPES show bits of various acts as the evening
                         WEARS ON:
                         
                         ERNIE/JULIE
                         
          are doing a Vaudeville style stand-up routine while tap
          dancing.
           45.
                         
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey Julie, how many feminists does
           it take to screw in a light bulb?
                         
                          JULIE
           How many?
                         
                          ERNIE
           Two. One to screw it in and one to
           ride my Rodney! Ha-ha-ha!
                         
                          JULIE
           Oaf!
                         
          She bonks him with their cane. He bonks her back. She
          knocks him cold. They both fall down.
                         
          THE BEARDED LADY
                         
          is doing a make-over demonstration. He's got a local GIRL
          from the audience sitting at a makeup table onstage.
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           If your coloring is in the autumn
           range, like Maria's, try an earth
           tone eye makeup. Now I've done a
           lovely French braid on Maria, but I
           encourage everyone to experiment
           and use your imagination. The main
           thing is to just have fun with it.
                         
          The audience is engrossed. Some take notes.
                         
                         SOCKHEAD
                         
          is ringing those "tuned bells" and singing along.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Edelweiss, Edelweiss.
                         
          He takes a bow but his sock is snagged on the mic stand. It
          pulls off and reveals a normal-sized hand where the sockhead
          was--he's actually a hand-head! The audience gasps. A MAN
          gets up and points accusingly.
                         
                          MAN
           He's got a hand under there!
                         
                          SOMEONE ELSE
           It's a hoax!
                         
          Sockhead realizes he's unveiled and tries to hide his hand-
          head with his other hands. The crowd starts jeering and
          pelting Sockhead with rotten vegetables. He gives them the
          finger with all three hands. Elijah tries to calm them.
           46.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Puppetteering is an admirable skill
           in its own right! Give him his
           due!
                         
                          THE CROWD
           Where's the beast boy you promised
           us!? Bring on the beast boy! We
           want the beast boy! (etc.)
                         
                         BACKSTAGE
                         
          The Worm is still talking to Rick. We can hear the crowd
          screaming for him in the background.
                         
                          WORM
           And when I won first prize, they
           never called me pudding-head again.
                         
                          RICK
           So?
                         
                          WORM
           Don't you see? You must turn your
           hardship into inspiration! You're
           an actor, Rick! Your body is your
           instrument, and with it you must
           play your tragic symphony for all
           the world!
                         
          Rick is really moved. Elijah pokes his head backstage.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (TO RICK)
           They're going nuts for you, Beast
           Boy! You better go out there now!
                         
          He starts to take off his jungle costume.
                         
                          RICK
           (determined, inspired)
           I'll be right there.
                          (TO WORM)
           Thank you Worm. I don't really
           know how I can repay you for this.
                         
                          WORM
                          (SINCERE)
           You could wipe my ass.
                         
                          RICK
           (thinks Worm is joking)
           Ha-ha! Always the wit, eh Worm?
           47.
                         
                         
          Rick claps him on the back and walks off. Worm is
          disappointed.
                         
                          WORM
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           Damn.
           (he turns to Nosey)
           Nosey, have I ever told you what a
           gifted artist you are?
                         
          Nosey gives him a worried look.
                         
                         ONSTAGE
                         
          The spotlight reveals Rick, centerstage, poised in
          Shakespearean garb. The crowd quiets down and focuses on
          Rick with great respect and awe. A truly dramatic silence.
          Rick pauses for effect and then launches into a soliloquy
          with bravura.
                         
                          RICK
           Now is the winter of our
           discontent,
           Made glorious summer by this son of
           York,
           But I that am not shaped for
           sportive tricks,
           Nor made to court an amorous
           looking glass,
           I, that am curtailed of this fair
           proportion,
           Cheated of feature by dissembling
           nature,
                         
          The audience is riveted. Even Spanish-speaking peasants are
          mouthing the words. Elijah, however, thumbs through his
          script, totally confused. The freaks watch through the bars
          from the wings--completely engrossed, especially Julie. Juan
          notices this and pulls her closer to him, but she pushes him
          away.
                         
          We move in on an erudite British gentlemen in the crowd. By
          God! It's ALISTAIR COOKE! He turns to camera. Subtitle:
          ALISTAIR COOKE.
                         
                          ALISTAIR COOKE
                          (SOTTO VOCE)
           If you're having trouble
           understanding Mr. Coogan's
           brilliant reading of this soliloquy
           from Richard the Third, please take
           advantage of the handy subtitles
           for the culturally illiterate.
           48.
                         
                         
          A FILTHY PEASANT sitting next to Cooke is trying to listen to
          Rick. He turns angrily to Cooke.
                         
                          FILTHY PEASANT
           SHHH!
                         
          Cooke turns back to the stage. The words in brackets appear
          as SUBTITLES.
                         
                          RICK
           Deformed, unfinished, sent before
           my time,
                          {I'M UGLY}
           Into this breathing world, scarse
           half made up,
           {I'M REALLY UGLY}
           And that so lamely and
           unfashionable, That dogs bark at me
           as I halt by them.
           {I'M F KIN' BUTT-UGLY, ALRIGHT!?}
           Why I, in this weak piping time of
           peace,
           {BLAH, BLAH, BLAH}
           Have no delight to pass away the
           time,
           {I NEVER GET LAID...}
           Unless to see my shadow in the sun,
           And descant on mine own deformity!
           {BECAUSE I'M UGLY}
                         
          Rick bows. The crowd bursts into applause. They yell
          "Bravo" and throw bouquets. Rick takes several curtain
          calls. The freaks cheer for him. Julie is particularly
          moved--she and Rick exchange a heavy look, laden with
          romantic potential. NOTE: We will insert an almost
          subliminal one-frame shot of the Pepsi logo at this
          triumphant moment.
                         
          Kevin, the EES executive from the airport scene, walks into
          the tent. Rick sees him and gasps with joy. He leaps off
          the stage, runs up to Kevin and hugs him. Kevin is shocked,
          of course. Overcome by the moment, Rick regresses to his old
          self.
                         
                          RICK
           I'm saved! Haha! You sorry
           mutants are gonna rot in this hole
           while I'm sipping mint juleps by
           the pool!
           {AS FORTUNE SMILES O'ER MY FATE, SO
           DESTINY SPURNS YOUR ACCURSE'D PATE}
                         
          The freaks and the audience gasp at Rick's cruelty. Julie is
          shocked--Juan gives her an "I told you so" look. Rick sees
          Julie and catches himself.
           49.
                         
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO KEVIN)
           I mean, um, I hope you have room
           for all my friends, heh-heh.
                         
                          KEVIN
           Rick, Rick, listen, I really love
           this new look you've come up with.
           But just between you and me, I
           don't think the guys upstairs would
           really get it.
                         
                          RICK
           What are you saying!?
                         
                          KEVIN
                          (CHUCKLES SNIDELY)
           I'm saying you're ugly enough to
           burn the nosehairs off a dead nun.
                         
          The crowd bursts into cruel hysterics, pointing mockingly at
          Rick. Even Alistair Cooke is practically choking with
          laughter.
                         
                          ALISTAIR COOKE
           AH-HA-HA-HA! WHAT A PUTZ!
                         
          Rick looks around, horrified at the sea of evil, jeering
          faces. He begins to tremble. Then...
                         
          RICK'S MONSTER EYE
                         
          springs to life for the first time and glows red with rage.
          His whole monster side awakens and takes charge of his body
          with violent intensity. He grabs Kevin's head and screams in
          a new, monstrous voice.
                         
                          RICK
           EAT SHIT!
                         
          POP! He plucks Kevin's head off his neck and holds it aloft.
          The head stares down at Rick in disbelief.
                         
                          KEVIN'S HEAD
           Now you're just being childish.
                         
          Rick serves the head like a volleyball, smashing it to bits.
          The crowd panics and charges for the exits.
                         
                          CROWD
           AHHHHHH! HELP! LET US OUT OF
           HERE!
                         
          People are trampling over each other in the mayhem. Alistair
          Cooke is crushed under the stampede.
           50.
                         
          The freaks are horrified. Monster Rick growls triumphantly.
          Elijah looks on, intrigued.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Now that's entertainment.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - MORNING
                         
          Rick awakens with a start and gets up. He approaches
          JulieErnie, The Bearded Lady, Nosey and Dog Boy, who are idly
          playing a game of "Wheel of Fortune." The cubicles contain
          large blank blocks, like the "letters" on the game show. So
          far, there's a "D", two "S"s, and a "K" revealed. Rosie the
          Pinhead plays Vanna White's role.
                         
                          NOSEY
           I'd like to buy a vowel.
                         
          The Bearded lady yawns. Rick edges towards them.
                         
                          RICK
           Hey. The Wheel. Mind if I sit in?
                         
          Juan advances towards Rick, sneering.
                         
                          JUAN
           So. Now you don't mind mixing with
           us--how did you say it--sorry
           mutants?
                         
                          RICK
           Look! I'm sorry for what happened
           at the show. Can't you just forget
           it?
                         
          He shakes his finger at Juan, and notices there's still a
          human nose stuck on his monster claw. He wipes it off,
          embarrassed. There's an awkward pause. Ernie breaks the
          silence.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey, shouldn't you tell Rick about
           your big escape plan?
                         
          Juan gives Ernie a nasty "shut up" look. He growls at him.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Well, excuse me for living.
                         
                          RICK
           You have an escape plan?
                         
                          JUAN
           Listen, Beast Boy, the games are a
           simple diversion.
                          (MORE)
           51.
                          JUAN(CONT'D)
           Beneath our twisted flesh we freaks
           cry out for freedom!
           Aooooooorrraaaagh!
                         
          Juan howls lustily. He looks to rest of the freaks. They're
          a pathetic lot, and their half-hearted howl proves it.
                         
                          FREAKS
           Aoo...
                         
          Beat.
                         
                          JULIE
           Juan's plan is really ingenious
           Rick. See, he figured out that--
                         
                          JUAN
           I figured out that our escape does
           not include the Beast Boy. No one
           may discuss the plan with him,
           understand?
                         
          Juan gives the others a threatening look. They mumble
          agreement.
                         
                          RICK
           What's the matter with all of you?
           You trust your lives to a guy just
           'cause he can lick his own
           privates?
                         
          The freaks ponder this a second, then nod "yes".
                         
                          ERNIE
           You gotta admit, Coog, it's a
           helluva trick.
                         
                          RICK
                          (RESENTFUL)
           Fine! I'll just come up with an
           escape plan of my own then.
                         
                          JUAN
           Haha! I have spent a year studying
           this hellhole, devising the perfect
           escape. You think you'll just
           tango right out the door!? Ha!
           Just try it, amigo.
                         
                          RICK
           I will!
                         
          Rick turns to go. JulieErnie rush over and try to reason
          with him quietly.
           52.
                         
                         
                          JULIE
           Rick, wait.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Yeah. Don't go off half-cocked.
           Believe me, it ain't all it's
           cracked up to be.
                         
                          JULIE
           This isn't one of your dumb movies,
           Coogan. Look, Juan's a good dog, a
           smart dog. I'll talk to him.
           Don't be stupid, Rick. You can't
           do it without us.
                         
                          RICK
           Forget it! I don't need you, EES,
           or anybody else! I'll get out of
           here all by myself, you... you.,.
           crud sucking pus monkeys!
                         
          DING DING DING! The letters in the Wheel of Fortune board
          light up, and ROSIE turns them over to reveal "Crud Sucking
          Pus Monkeys" as the secret phrase. Everyone claps despite
          themselves. Juan stares them down. They stop.
                         
          Rick storms off in a huff. Juan takes Julie's hand and gazes
          deep into her eyes. He kisses her passionately. Julie is
          watching Rick leave. Juan nibbles her neck, which gets her
          attention. She scratches Juan behind his ear. His leg
          instinctively kicks the air. Ernie looks worried.
                         
                          ERNIE
           I'm getting a bad feeling here.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. REAR CORNER OF FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          Out of sight from the others, Rick approaches the rear door
          and tries it. It doesn't open from the inside.
                         
                          RICK
           Damn.
                         
          He peers out through a crack in the door and sees a MILKMAN
          getting out of his truck in the driveway.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO MILKMAN)
           Psst! Hey, you. Milkman!
           53.
                         
                         
                         OUTSIDE
                         
          The milkman looks over at the outhouse, suspicious.
                         
                          MILKMAN
           Yeah... ?
                         
           RICK (V.0.)
           Just the man I'm lookinq for. Be a
           pal, and give me a hand will ya?
                         
                          MILKMAN
           Oooh no! I know you freaks.
           You'll try anything just to get
           someone to open that door. Well
           not me! Ha!
                         
          He's about to walk away.
                         
                          RICK
           Okay. Guess I'll just have to milk
           the world's biggest breasted woman
           all by myself. Sorry to bother
           you.
                         
          The milkman stops in his tracks. He tiptoes over to the back
          door of the outhouse, listening intently as Rick goes into
          his "act."
                         
                          RICK
           (in a lusty womanish
                          VOICE)
           Ooohh... Milk me! Milk me now!
           Milk me hard!
           (Normal Rick voice)
           I've only got two hands, all right?
           Geez. I don't care if Elijah did
           give you skim milk on the right
           side, chocolate on the left, and
           eggnog in the middle.
                         
          The milkman is salivating at the door.
                         
                          MILKMAN
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           Gee, I love eggnog!
                         
          The milkman opens the door eagerly and steps inside. Beat.
                         
                          MILKMAN
           Hey, what the--
                         
          BONK. We hear the sound of bottled buttermilk beaning his
          soft noggin. Rick walks out wearing the milkman outfit
          complete with the little six-milk-bottle-carrier thing.
           54.
                         
          He looks around and heads for the milk truck, whistling
          casually. He notices something. It's ...
                         
          THE GIANT ELIJAH HEAD
                         
          Its big eyes are staring at Rick (note: there's a skywriter
          plane in the distance behind the head, which finishes writing
          "YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY: PEPSI") Rick gets to the truck
          and tries the door. It's locked.
                         
                          RICK
           Shit.
                         
          He looks over at the giant head. The eyes are still staring
          at him--they seem to have shifted. Rick shrugs it off and
          looks around. He walks over to Elijah's car. It's locked
          too. He checks the big eyes. They've moved again.
                         
          Rick's getting a bit desperate. He sees something else and
          runs towards it. It's a dry-docked motorboat. It's locked
          too. The eyes have followed Rick again. He sees something
          else and runs over to it. It's a bag of golf clubs leaning
          against Elijah's porch. They're locked too.
                         
                          RICK
           Damn! This guy doesn't trust
           anybody!
                         
          He looks at the giant head- the eyes are gone, leaving only
          empty eyesockets! Rick hears A BURST OF MACHINEGUN FIRE
          behind him, spins around and faces ...
                         
          TWO THREE FOOT HIGH EYEBALLS
                         
          with little arms and legs, wearing Jamaican Rasta hats and
          aiming smoking Uzi 9mms in the air. They aim their Uzis at
          Rick. One holds a walkie-talkie, the other holds a big
          spliff.
                         
                          RICK
           AHHHH!
                         
          A T.V. MONITOR in Elijah's hands, shows Rick staring at us,
          the Eye's POV.
                         
                         ELIJAH
                         
          seen in extreme close-up, watches the surveillance monitor.
          He speaks into a microphone. We don't see what the room
          looks like.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Good work, Eye and Eye.
           55.
                         
                         
                         THE EYES
                         
          bob in response to Elijah. They have no mouths, but their
          pupils open and close when they speak.
                         
           EYE AND EYE
                          (JAMAICAN ACCENTS)
           Rastafari.
                         
           ELIJAH (V.0.)
           (over the walkie-talkie)
           Now bring the Beast Boy to my, uh,
           den. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
                         
          Rick looks worried as they lead him towards the scary looking
          house.
                         
                         
          INT. ELIJAH'S DEN
                         
          It's a lovely, suburban den with a coffee table full of
          magazines like "Better Homes and Gardens," "National Review"
          and "Freaks Illustrated". Elijah sits in a big Barcalounger,
          smoking a pipe. Rick sits on the sofa. Toad walks up with a
          tray of soft drinks.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (TO RICK)
           Diet soda?
                         
                          RICK
           No thanks.
                         
          Elijah points to a bowl of Fiddle Faddle. Toad sits beside
          Rick.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Fiddle Faddle?
           (Rick shakes his head)
           You sure?
                         
                          RICK
           Well, okay.
           (he scoops some into his
                          MOUTH)
           Well, are you gonna torture me or
           kill me or something?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Torture my greatest creation ever!?
           Kill the final piece of the puzzle
           that I've been putting together for
           years!? Sure, it'd be fun, but
           I've got a bigger plan, my boy.
                          (MORE)
           56.
                          ELIJAH(CONT'D)
           And when you ripped off that guy's
           head, I knew it was working like
           gangbusters!
                         
                          RICK
           But I thought I scared everyone
           away.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Uh-huh. And then they told two
           friends, and they told two friends,
           and so on, and so on. Look at
           this.
                         
          Elijah grabs a big mail bag and spills some letters out on
          the table. Elijah opens one and reads it.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (READING)
           Dear Mister Skuggs, I was shocked
           and disgusted when my grandson told
           me about the head-popping beast at
           your show. Please send me six
           tickets.
           (he reads another)
           Dear Beast Boy, I used to like New
           Kids on The Block, but you're way
           cuter. My favorite ice cream is
           chocolate. Is it fun ripping
           people's heads off? I love you.
                          (ANOTHER LETTER)
           The Beast Boy is on a blood-letting
           spree, and Oscar is along for the
           ride!
           (he looks up at Rick)
           That one's from Pat Collins!
                         
                          RICK
           Yeah, but she loves everything.
                         
          Rick reaches for the Fiddle Faddle but the bowl is empty.
          Toad BURPS.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Toad! That Fiddle Faddle is for
           guests only! You've had enough!
                         
          Toad is blankfaced. Elijah walks over and refills the bowl.
          Rick scoops some into his mouth. Elijah walks to the
          fireplace and pushes the embers around with a poker.
                         
                          RICK
           Look Skuggs--Elijah--I've been in
           show business all my life. The
           public does not want to see
           disgusting, depraved violent filth.
           57.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Oh, and I suppose Jake and the
           Fatman is just a fluke?
                         
          The phone rings. Elijah looks at it, and back to Rick.
                         
                          ELIJAH (CONT'D)
           I'll get it.
                         
          He goes over to the phone and lifts the receiver.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           `Yello?
                         
          On the other end of the line, we hear LAUGHING MAN's insane
          chuckle. Elijah's smooth smile fades. He turns his back to-
          Rick, who strains to identify the familiar laughing voice.
          Elijah scribbles notes on a pad by the phone.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Yes... Right... Tomorrow...
           Mmhmm... Mnunhmm... Wow. Okay.
           You got it... Hasta la vista to
           you too. Hahaahahaahaha--
                         
          Laughing Man hangs up on Elijah. He looks a little pissed-
          off as he turns to face Rick again. Grumbling, he takes the
          poker in hand, and pokes at the coals angrily.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Okay, Coogan. I'm finished with
           you for now.
                         
          Ricky rises and snatches the notepad just before Elijah spins
          to face him.
                         
                          ELIJAH (CONT'D)
           But listen. I may not be "Mr.
           Tinseltown", but I damn well know
           what I like. You're gonna be a
           hideous killing machine, and that's
           final! Tomorrow night I'll finish
           the job onstage! And then, to
           demonstrate your horrible power,
           you'll slaughter all the old
           obsolete freaks in cold bl--HEY!
                         
          Elijah thrusts the red hot fire poker out and ZAP! He
          catches Toad's ten foot tongue--curled around the searing
          poker inches from the Fiddle Faddle.
                         
                          TOAD
           AAAGGGGHH!
           58.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I told you enough!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE DAY
                         
          Elijah shows Rick out the door. The Eyes scurry out and leap
          back into the sockets in the giant head.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Bye-bye. And remember, try another
           escape, and I'll feed your balls to
           Toad.
                         
          As he walks towards the Freak House, Rick pulls out the note
          he pocketed. A gust of wind blows it away from him. He
          chases it behind the carnival tent where...
                         
          KKCCLIINNK! He runs into ELEVEN PHONY MILKMEN, backing their
          way around the corner, each carrying their own six-pack of
          milkbottles. Startled, they turn around. Why, it's the
          freaks! And they're all dressed as milkmen! Cowboy carries
          the hammer, who's dressed in a little milkman suit as well.
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           Hey Rick, I thought you were gonna
           come up with your own escape plan?
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO JUAN)
           This is your big plan? A dozen
           milkmen? Isn't that a little
           unusual?
                         
          Juan hadn't thought of this. He pushes himself forward and
          confronts Rick viciously.
                         
                          JUAN
           Twelve milkmen is theoretically
           possible. Thirteen is silly.
           Looks like one milkman too many,
           Coogan.
                         
          He pushes Rick aside. The freaks continue past him.
                         
                          RICK
           Fine then. Go ahead. Hope you
           like reggae, ya flea bitten
           bastard.
                         
          Rick watches as the Freaks approach the open courtyard, where
          he knows the Eyeballs will spot them.
           59.
                         
          Julie glances at him a second, then looks away. His mind
          made up, Rick takes a deep breath.
                         
                          RICK
           Ah, shit.
                         
          He runs over to the Freaks. He stands in Juan's way.
                         
                          RICK
           Look, you'll all be killed. You
           don't know about Elijah's giant
           Rasta eyeballs with machine guns...
           (they think he's nuts)
           It's suicide! I can't let you do
           it.
                         
                          JUAN
           And I can't let you stop us.
                         
          This is it. Rick and Juan square off. Juan growls and bares
          his teeth. Rick's MONSTER EYE starts to glow and pulse
          dimly. They circle each other. The others are transfixed.
                         
                         ELIJAH'S POV
                         
          He peers through a side window, and sees the pack of milkmen
          cheering two of their coworkers, locked in mortal combat.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           That's a lot of milkmen on the same
           route. No wonder they fight.
                         
          Juan rears back, about to lunge, when suddenly he freezes and
          looks off into the distance.
                         
                         A SQUIRREL
                         
          is sitting innocently a few yards off.
                         
                          JUAN
           Squirrel!
                         
          He zooms off after the squirrel. The Eyes pop out of the
          giant head and follow after him, Uzis FIRING. Juan dodges
          their bullets and disappears after his prey.
                         
          The freaks watch their best chance of freedom run off after a
          pesky rodent. They turn to Rick.
                         
                          NOSEY
           Wow, giant Rasta eyeballs, just
           like Rick said.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick, we'd
           all be dead!
           60.
                         
                         
                          OTHER FREAKS
           Yeah! Way to go Rick! Alright!
                         
                          ERNIE
                          (TO JULIE)
           God, I can't believe he left you
           for a squirrel. What a dick.
                         
          Julie's hurt. She doesn't even smack Ernie.
                         
                          RICK
           You know how men are. Besides, it
           was a pretty good looking squirrel.
                         
          Julie looks at Rick. She sees he's trying to be helpful, not
          sarcastic.
                         
                          JULIE
           (to the others)
           Come on. You heard the Beast Boy.
           Back to the Freak House, now.
                         
          Her eyes meet Rick's. She manages a smile, and Rick smiles
          back. Ernie sizes up the situation and groans as they all
          head back to the Freak House.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Not again.
                          (TO RICK)
           Oh well, at least we'll get to try
           a new position.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. STARK INTERROGATION ROOM
                         
          We're moving in towards a door in this desolate, vaguely
          corporate looking hallway.
                         
          INSIDE THE ROOM
                         
          We're looking at the back of Laughing Man's leather chair.
          We hear his CACKLE, as well as STUEY GLUCK'S TORTURED SCREAMS
          and a horrible POWER TOOL NOISE. We can see the usual bright
          interrogation spotlight, and a couple of extra GOONS watching
          the goings on, but Stuey and his actual torturer are hidden
          by Laughing Man's chair.
                         
           STUEY (O.S.)
           AHHHHH! STOP IT! OOOWWWWW!
                         
          We move past Mr. Big's chair to reveal Stuey lying face down
          on a table, while Bob Vila is using a power sander on his
          butt. Bob is happily giving pointers to the two goons.
           61.
                         
                         
                          BOB
           Notice the way I use an elliptical
           motion to chafe Stuey's buttocks.
           (the Goons nod
                          ATTENTIVELY)
           It's all here in my new book:
           Pipes, Fixtures, and Torturing
                          TROLLS--
                         
           LAUGHING MAN(O.S.)
           (Loud, sharp laugh)
           A-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA!
                         
          Bob obediently shuts up. Laughing Man directs a sinister low
          chuckle to Stuey.
                         
                          STUEY
           No way. I'll never talk! I'm made
           of stone!
                         
          Bob considers this a second, then starts up a jackhammer.
                         
                          STUEY
           HELP! RICK! RIIIIIIIIIICCKKK!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          We hear LONESOME HARMONICA MUSIC as we pan past the cubicles.
                         
          Cowboy is playing the harmonica... The Bearded Lady unties
          the pretty pink ribbon in his hair and sets it aside...
                         
          Suddenly, we switch to HORRIFIC PSYCHO STINGS as the camera
          picks up PAUL LYNDE'S CORPSE with flashing red lights. His
          eyeball drips out of the socket again...
                         
          Then it's back to the SAD HARMONICA MUSIC. In the next
          cubicle, Ernie is sleeping, Julie is awake, dreamily fondling
          a large eclair. She looks longingly up towards Rick's
          cubicle as we...
                         
                          DREAM DISSOLVE
                          TO:
                         
                         
                         DREAMLAND
                         
          Rick (his face is normal) and Julie kiss passionately in a
          billowy white bed amidst puffy clouds.
           62.
                         
                         
                          RICK
                          (SINCERE)
           Julie, compared to this, sex with
           Julia Roberts was a thankless
           chore.
                         
                          QUICK DISSOLVE
                          BACK TO:
                         
                         JULIE'
                         
          We follow her gaze, panning up to Rick. He's lying on his
          bed, dreamily fondling a donut. He looks down towards
          Julie's cabin...
                         
                          DREAM DISSOLVE
                          TO:
                         
                         DREAMLAND
                         
          Rick and Julie kiss passionately. We're tight on them.
                         
                          JULIE
           Oh Rick, you've touched a place in
           me no one has ever touched before.
                         
           ERNIE(O.S.)
           I'll say! Almost punctured a
           kidney!
                         
          WIDEN to show Ernie, still attached to Julie, leering at
          Rick. Rick is mortified.
                         
                          QUICK DREAM
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          Rick sits in his cubicle, visibly sickened by his daydream.
          Stuey's echoey voice drifts in.
                         
           STUEY(V.0.)
           Rick! Riiiicccck!
                         
          A holographic image of Stuey lying on the torture table
          appears over Rick. We can see the jackhammer looming over
          Stuey's face. Rick looks alarmed.
                         
                          STUEY HOLOGRAM
           Rick! Do something! It's up to
           you, Rick! Pleeeeeeease!
                         
           LAUGHING MAN (O.S)
           Aha-hee-hee-ho-ho-har-har-har!
           63.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           The Laughing Man!
                         
          Rick watches the hologram break up and disappear. Wheels
          spinning in his head, he takes the crumpled piece of paper
          out of his pocket and reads it.
                         
                          RICK
           (under his breath)
           Holy shit!
                         
          JULIE/ERNIE'S CUBICLE
                         
          Julie and Ernie are struggling over a bottle of deodorant.
                         
                          ERNIE
           It says it's strong enough for a
           man!
                         
                          JULIE
           But it's made for a woman!
                         
          She grabs it away and shoves it in Ernie's mouth. Rick walks
          in.
                         
                          JULIE
           Hey Rick. What's up?
                         
                          RICK
           Read this. I grabbed it from
           Skuggs' office.
                         
          He hands her the notepaper. She reads it, with some
          difficulty. Ernie is still gagging on deodorant.
                         
                          JULIE
           "Tape Donahue... Renew
           Subscription to Beaver World..."
           Eeuw!
                         
          She gives Rick a disgusted look. Ernie mumbles with the
          deodorant in his mouth.
                         
                          ERNIE
           (interested, muffled)
           Beaver World!?
                         
          Julie smacks him--he swallows the deodorant.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO JULIE)
           After that.
           64.
                         
                         
                          JULIE
           "Prepare demonstration for Laughing
           Man, receive five thousand barrels
           of Noxon." Five thousand barrels!?
                         
                          RICK
           Elijah's up to something big, and
           we have to stop him.
                         
          Ernie BELCHES. Rick sniffs the air.
                         
                          RICK
           Mmmm. Jasmine.
                         
           SWISH PAN TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          Rick takes a deep breath, and begins his presentation to the
          freaks assembled before him.
                         
                          RICK
           Alright guys, listen up--
                         
          Sockhead suddenly freaks out.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           We're done for! We're done for! I
           don't want to die! It's the end of
           the world! The apocalypse! Aahh!
                         
          He stops. Everyone is staring at him.
                         
                          RICK
           I haven't said anything yet.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Sorry. I'm not much for timing.
                         
          He takes his seat again.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO EVERYONE)
           Tomorrow night, at the show, I'll
           be turned into a homicidal monster
           and forced to kill you all. But we
           might have a chance if we act fast.
           And I'm prepared to be your new
           leader.
                         
          A THRILLING CHORD.
           65.
                         
                         
                          NOSEY
                          (TO SOCKHEAD)
           I say we kill him.
                         
          Sockhead nods.
                         
                          RICK
           And I've got a plan.
                         
          ANOTHER THRILLING CHORD.
                         
                          NOSEY
           I still say we kill him.
                         
          Sockhead nods again.
                         
                          RICK
           If we can get into Elijah's lab,
           maybe we can--
                         
                          WORM
           Of course! Design a super freak of
           our own and manipulate the genetic
           code to make him destroy Elijah
           instead of us! Brilliant!
                         
                          RICK
           Oh. Well--
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           But how do we get to the lab?
                         
                          RICK
           Um, maybe--
                         
                          COWBOY
           Right! The worm could dig a
           tunnel!
                         
                          WORM
           By God, it's so crazy it might just
           work!
                         
                          ERNIE
           But you need Noxon 24 to make the
           freaking sludge, and Elijah told us
           himself he's run out of it.
                         
                          RICK
           Oh. Oh yeah. Well, see, what I
           was going to say was--
           66.
                         
                         
                          JULIE
           Yes! Exactly! If they've been
           using Noxon 24 as a fertilizer
           here, the entire ecosystem must be
           soaked with it! All we need is a
           way to extract it from the
           vegetation, ideally into a liquid
           form.
                         
                          RICK
           Right. Well, what about--
                         
                          COWBOY
           Golly! So that's why my milk comes
           out that funny green color! I
           thought the grass tasted funny!
           Wow, Rick, you're a genius!
                         
                          JULIE
                          (SMILES WARMLY)
           Good thinking, Rick.
                         
          The freaks all nod in agreement.
                         
                          NOSEY
           Way to go, Rick! How did you ever
           think of such a plan?
                         
          Rick pulls out an old comic book and points to an ad for Sea
          Monkeys.
                         
                          RICK
           Well, actually, I was going to
           suggest we send away for sea
           monkeys, train them to fire guns,
           and make a break for it. But if
           you want to go with this other
           thing, I guess that's okay.
                         
          The freaks stare at him, not sure if he's kidding or not.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - NIGHT
                         
          FREAKS ON A MISSION MONTAGE, SET TO A POUNDING "EYE OF THE
          TIGER"-TYPE SONG
                         
          -Nosey milks Cowboy, squirting the glowing milk into a funnel
          which feeds into a crude still. The Torch heats the boiler.
                         
          -The Worm digs the tunnel. JulieErnie hand Rick pieces of
          wood which he puts into place as tunnel supports. They hand
          him Paul Lynde's corpse and he wedges it in as well.
           67.
                         
                         
          -Everyone's getting into it and working up a sweat. Nosey
          wipes his brow, opens a bottle of Pepsi and chugs it down in
          a beautifully lit slo-mo product shot... The other freaks
          follow suit, including the Worm, down in the tunnel, who
          struggles to hold the bottle in his tiny feeler.
                         
          Everything's going great and the song is really pumping
          when...
                         
                         ELIJAH
                         
          runs out on his front porch in his nightclothes and screams
          down at the outhouse.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           WOULD YOU TURN DOWN THAT GODDAMN
           RACKET!?
                         
          IN THE FREAK HOUSE
                         
          Nosey turns off a boom box and the music cuts short. The
          freaks exchange tense looks. Nosey calls out apologetically
          to Elijah.
                         
                          NOSEY
           SOR-RY.
           (to the freaks)
           What a jerk!
                         
                         
          INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
                         
          The Worm burrows along, leaving a tunnel wide enough for Rick
          and JulieErnie to crawl after him. Rick notices a ray of
          light coming through a rock formation.
                         
                          RICK
           Hey, look at this!
                         
          They all stop and look. Rick fingers the hole, and the rocks
          cave in, revealing
                         
          A VAST UNDERGROUND CITY
                         
          It's obviously a matte painting.
                         
                          WORM
           Good Lord! It's the Lost City of
           Nodd!
                         
                          JULIE
           Wow!
           68.
                         
                         
          KER-CHUNK! We hear the sound of a slide projector switching
          slides and the underground city is replaced by a still image
          of some tourists standing around a geyser. [foriegn version:
          the Blarney Stone].
                         
                          RICK
           It's Old Faithful! (foriegn take:
           "It's the Blarney Stone!"]
                         
          They "Ooh" and "Ahh". The image switches to a snapshot of a
          FAT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
                         
                          ERNIE
           It's my Aunt Gladys!
                         
          The other freaks nod politely. The image switches to a BAR
          MITZVAH PHOTO.
                         
                          ERNIE
           And that's me at my bar mitzvah!
                         
                          RICK
           C'mon Ernie, let's go.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Wait, you gotta see the ones from
           sleep-away camp! They're
           hilarious!
                         
          Julie smacks him.
                         
                          JULIE
           Stooge!
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - NIGHT
                         
          It's an "Antfarm View" of the yard, where the freaks are
          visible tunneling underground, and Toad is visible on the
          yard above them. We see a bat fly overhead... ZAP! Toad
          shoots out his tongue, snags it out of mid air, and chews it
          happily, oblivious to the freaks burrowing right underneath
          him.
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          Nosey looks at the nearly full container of distilled Noxon.
                         
                          NOSEY
           Almost there.
           (he sniffs the air)
           But wait, I'm getting a whiff of
           things to come!
           69.
                         
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           What do you smell?
                         
                          NOSEY
                          (GRIM)
           Blood.
                         
          Bearded Lady looks grave..Nosey sniffs again.
                         
                          NOSEY
                          (CHEERFUL)
           And hot buttered popcorn!
                         
                          BEARDED LADY
           Awwright!
                         
                         
          INT. TUNNEL
                         
          They're burrowing along. Ernie loudly clears his throat.
          Julie spits out a loogie. She grimaces.
                         
                          JULIE
           I hate when you do that.
                         
          We hear muffled BARKING.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey! Do you hear that?
                         
                          JULIE
           It's a dog!
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO WORM)
           Hurry!
                         
          The Worm breaks through into a small cavern with several
          exposed sewer pipes. A lovable mutt leaps out of a pipe and
          drops an old tennis ball in front of Rick. He starts licking
          Rick's face.
                         
                          RICK
           Scrappy!
                         
          SAPPY MUSIC wells up.
                         
                          RICK
           It's been ten years since you
           chased this ball into the sewer! I
           thought you were gone for good!
                         
                          SCRAPPY
           Yap!
           70.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Listen Scrap. Go home. Get help.
           Understand?
                         
                          SCRAPPY
           Yap!
                         
                          RICK
           Good boy! Now go!
                         
          Scrappy runs away into the sewer pipe. Rick shrugs.
                         
                          RICK
           You never know.
                         
          Julie taps on some exposed wood on the cavern ceiling.
                         
                          JULIE
           Look, a wood floor.
                         
                          WORM
           It must be the lab! we've done it!
                         
          They all look at each other excitedly. Suddenly Elijah's
          voice rings out behind them.
                         
                          ELIJAH'S VOICE
           Not so fast, you scabrous freaks!
                         
          They spin around and see Nosey holding the bottle of Noxon
          24. He grins.
                         
                          NOSEY
           Didn't know I did impressions, did
           ya?
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          The freaks are waiting around the hole. Nosey pops out.
                         
                          NOSEY
           Mission accomplished. They've got
           the Noxon, and they'll be in the
           lab within minutes.
                         
                          FROGMAN
           Boy, this is going like clockwork!
                         
          Everyone smiles, pats each other on the back, etc. Except
          Sockhead, who finally snaps.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           No! Can't you see we're digging
           our own graves!?
                          (MORE)
           71.
                         
           It's nuts, SOCKHEAD(cont'd)
           that's what it is!
           Nuts! Well, maybe you've all got a
           deathwish, but you can count me
           out! I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF
           HERE!
                         
          He runs amok, pushes various freaks to the ground, and runs
          around screaming. The freak house door opens--Eye and Eye
          step in to check out the noise. One of them has a spliff
          sticking out of its pupil. Sockhead charges at them like a
          mad dog. They aim their Uzis.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           (at the Eyes)
           OUT OF MY WAY!
                         
          RATTA-RATTA-RATTA! They spray an ungodly amount of bullets
          into Sockhead. He falls to the ground. The Eyes leave.
                         
          The freaks gather around Sockhead. Nosey pulls the sock off
          his hand head, which is making a little "Senor Pepe" face
          with its fist. It spits up a trickle of blood and tries to
          speak.
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
                          (WEAK)
           I... I... just... wanna...say...
                         
                          NOSEY
           What is it, kid?
                         
                          SOCKHEAD
           Ah, forget it. I'm not much for
           dying.
                         
          He goes limp.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. ELIJAH'S LAB
                         
          JulieErnie, the Worm, and Rick are just emerging from the
          hole. It's really dark in the lab.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Shit. I can't see a damn thing.
                         
                          RICK
           Keep your voice down, Ernie.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Don't push me, Coog. I got a real
           short fuse today. I'm cranky,
           bloated, got a wicked case of
           cramps. Don't ask why.
           72.
                         
                         
                          JULIE
           (whispers to Rick)
           PMS...
                         
                          RICK
           (has to think about this)
           Oh.... Right.
                         
          Rick pats Ernie on the shoulder reassuringly. He moves over
          to Elijah's computer terminal.
                         
                          RICK
                         
                          (CONT'D)
           Well, here it is--the control panel
           for Elijah's Freaking process.
                         
                          WORM
           Good work, my boy. Now step aside.
           This is scientist's work.
                         
          Worm muscles Rick out of the way and sits at the console.
          Using a pen held in his mouth, he flicks a series of switches
          and punches a fast series of computer keys.
                         
          The light on top of the Tasty Freekz machine starts to
          revolve, and after a couple of seconds, a stream of GOOEY
          LIGHT BROWN GLOP oozes out of the spigot.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Hey! It's working!
                         
                          RICK
           You did it, Worm! Way to go!
                         
                          JULIE
           But how? You didn't even use the
           Noxon.
                         
          The Worm rushes over to the container of glop below the
          spigot, and without hesitation, plunges his face into it!
          Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp in horror!
                         
          The WORM lifts his glop-smeared face out of the bowl, and
          smacks his lips in delight.
                         
                          WORM
           Ah! You don't need Noxon to make
           Butterscotch pudding. I just
           wanted to test the machine's
           capabilities. Mmmm! Glorious! So
           creamy! Yum!
                         
          The Worm is lost in his pudding-induced reverie. They ignore
          him. Julie turns to Rick.
           73.
                         
                         
                          JULIE
           Hang on, Rick. Do you really think
           we should put this toxic glop on
           you? What if it doesn't work?
           What if something goes wrong? What
                          IF--
                         
                          ERNIE
           If it does work, do you think
           there'll be enough left over to
           give me a monster size rodney?
                         
          Julie goes to doink Ernie in the eyes, but he uses the
          classic "Three Stooges" handblock.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO ERNIE)
           Here, hold this.
                         
          Rick hands the container of Noxon to Ernie. Julie gives him
          the eyepoke. Rick shakes hands with Julie, and takes back
          the Noxon.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO ERNIE)
           Thanks.
           (to Julie, heroically)
           Look, I've been a freak all my
           life.' I realize that now. Up
           there on that screen, humiliating
           myself for every fool with six
           bucks in his pocket--
                         
                          ERNIE
           Seven bucks.
                         
                          JULIE
           Sometimes seven fifty.
                         
                          RICK
           Alright. It doesn't matter.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Sure it does. They don't let you
           into the theater if you don't pay
           the price of the ticket.
                         
                          RICK
           Look, I'm talking about the
           ultimate human sacrifice.
                         
                          JULIE
           No kidding. When you consider
           money for parking, popcorn,
           drinks...
           74.
                         
                         
          The worm chimes in, still gorging himself on pudding...
                         
                          WORM
           Don't forget a sitter for the
           children!
                         
          Rick's had enough.
                         
                          RICK
           Hey! In case you haven't noticed,
           I'm about to commit a noble and
           selfless act here.
                         
          Rick pounds the table, sending a glass beaker flying. It
          smashes through the window, setting off a loud SIREN.
                         
                         
          INT. ELIJAH'S DEN
                         
          Elijah's in his robe, watching the opening of "Crooked Cops"
          on TV. On screen is a revolving police beacon on a beat-up
          car, with a loud SIREN. Elijah munches his popcorn happily.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Julie manages to silence the alarm by yanking the cord out of
          its socket. She shoots Rick a hard look, he shrugs
          innocently.
                         
                          RICK
           Oops.
                          (BEAT)
           Okay. Let's do what we came to do,
           and this time, no more screw ups.
                         
          Rick slams his hand down for emphasis and impales it on one
          of those desktop paper pins. He SCREAMS in agony.
                         
                         
          INT. ELIJAH'S DEN
                         
          Elijah's watching an old war movie--a soldier is running
          across a battlefield with a bayonet, SCREAMING. He doesn't
          hear Rick.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Julie has her hand over Rick's mouth, silencing his scream.
          He calms down. He gingerly slides the pin out of his hand,
          grimacing but not making a sound. He sighs with relief. The
          coast seems clear. Then, in SLOW MOTION, his hand knocks a
          styrofoam cup off the desk and onto the ground.
           75.
                         
                         
                         
          INT. ELIJAH'S DEN
                         
          The war movie has erupted into a massive battle--machine guns
          blaring, grenade launchers and bazookas booming, the works.
          Suddenly, his ears perk up, and his head swivels around
          towards the window.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Styrofoam cup?
                         
          He puts on his "smiley face" robe and bunny slippers and
          heads out the door.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Julie is pouring the distilled Noxon into the top of the
          Tasty Freekz machine.
                         
                          WORM
           Don't you think we should make some
           more pudding first, as a test?
                         
                          RICK
           No. Here goes.
                         
          He presses some buttons on the computer, and the Tasty Freekz
          machine starts humming. Ernie is looking out the window.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Somebody's comin'! Hurry.
                         
                          RICK
           We have to wait. There's no way to
           speed up the machine.
                         
                         
          EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE
                         
          Elijah comes out of the house and walks towards the lab.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Rick's starting to sweat. He looks over at Julie, who holds
          an empty Pepsi cup under the Tasty Freekz spigot. A drop of
          ointment drips out and into the container.
                         
                          JULIE
           Here it comes.
                         
          THE LAB DOORKNOB
                         
          begins to turn slowly.
           76.
                         
                         
          Everybody freezes. The flow of ooze slows to a stop.
                         
                          RICK
           It's plugged up!
                         
          They look over at the doorknob--it's still turning.
                         
                          ERNIE
                          (TO WORM)
           If it's your damn pudding, I'll
           ring your wormy neck.
                         
                          WORM
           (under his breath)
           Preposterous... I have no neck.
           I'm a worm, imbecile.
                         
          THE DOOR KNOB
                         
          is still turning, agonizingly slowly...
                         
          OUTSIDE THE LAB
                         
          Elijah is trying to turn the knob,, His grip keeps slipping
          because of the butter on his fingers.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Aaargh! Damn buttered popcorn!
                         
          IN THE LAB
                         
          The spigot has started to discharge more,reliably. The Pepsi
          cup is filling up now.
                         
                         OUTSIDE
                         
          Elijah is wiping his hands off on his shirt tails. He tries
          the door knob again.
                         
          IN THE LAB
                         
          We hear a low rumbling and the floor starts to shake.
                         
                          WORM
           The tunnel walls are about to
           collapse!
                         
                          RICK
           You go ahead. I'll catch up.
                         
                          JULIE
                          BUT--
                         
                          RICK
           Go!
           77.
                         
                         
          The door knob is turning more vigorously, but still not
          opening. Julie and Ernie get in the hole with Worm, while
          Rick attends to the almost-full Pepsi cup of sludge.
                         
                         OUTSIDE
                         
          Elijah is still having trouble with his grip.
                         
          IN THE LAB
                         
          Rick pops the plastic lid onto the Pepsi cup, and climbs into
          the hole. He rests the cup on the floor and lifts the floor
          board over his head. The RUMBLING gets louder as the tunnel
          walls start to crumble.
                         
                          JULIE
           Rick! Come on!
                         
          Rick is losing his balance as the ground shifts beneath him.
          He sways, and knocks the Pepsi cup of sludge rolling. He
          watches, helpless, as it rolls across the floor and comes to
          a stop across the room. For a second, he contemplates making
          a dash.
                         
                         OUTSIDE
                         
          Elijah has wrapped his shirt tails around the knob, and
          finally has a good grip. He twists the knob...
                         
                         INSIDE
                         
          Rick sees the door opening. He dives down into the hole.
          The floor board falls into place just as Elijah walks in.
                         
          Elijah scans the room. He goes over towards the Tasty Freekz
          machine and finds the styrofoam cup.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Bad for the environment.
                         
          He crumples it in his hand.
                         
                         
          EXT. FREAK COMPOUND
                         
          The "antfarm view" again. We see the freaks running back
          through the tunnel as it caves in behind them. Toad sits on
          the ground above, oblivious to them. We hear a low flying
          aircraft... ZAP! Toad shoots his tongue up out of frame and
          sucks the twin engine Cessna into his mouth. Beat. He BURPS
          and spits up a propeller.
           78.
                         
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          The freaks wait by the mouth of the tunnel. We hear the
          rumble approach. The worm, JulieErnie, and finally Rick
          scramble out of the opening. The dirt avalanche is stopped
          short by Paul Lynde's corpse, just as Rick scrambles to
          safety.
                         
                          WORM
           Just made it!
                         
                          RICK
           Paul saved our lives!
                         
                          NOSEY
           Way to go, Paul!
                         
          Nosey claps Paul on what's left of his back--his skeleton
          shatters and the tunnel collapses, burying him instantly.
          The freaks are horrified.
                         
                         NOSEY
                         
          turns to them guiltily in SLOW-MOTION. His voice is slowed
          down and distorted like John Lennon at the end of "Strawberry
                         FIELDS":
                         
                          NOSEY
           I... buried... Paul.
                         
          Back to normal speed.
                         
                          RICK
           This is no time to lament over a
           cadaver! We've got to get moving,
           or we're history! Now c'mon!
                         
          Nosey is still morose. He speaks backwards and sounds a lot
          like "Revolution #9".
                         
                          NOSEY
           Daed si luap.
                         
          SUBTITLE: "Paul is dead."
                         
                          RICK
           I said enough! Okay, listen up,
           everybody. We cracked the code and
           made the ointment we need to bring
           Skuggs down for good.
                         
          The freaks applaud and cheer.
           79.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           But we left it in the lab.
                         
          The freaks jeer and pelt Rick with rotten vegetables. He
          desperately pulls a bag of cookies out of his pocket.
                         
                          RICK
           But wait! I found some macaroons!
           And there's plenty for all of us!
                         
          The freaks burst into applause again.
                         
                          FREAKS
           Yaayyy!
                         
                          TIME DISSOLVE
                          TO:
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY
                         
          The Freaks are all sleeping, macaroon crumbs still left on
          their faces. There's a lot of snoring. Rick awakens with a
          start. He hears something in the distance. Something like a
          helicopter... He gets up and peeks out a crack in the wall.
                         
                         
          RICK'S POV. EXT. FREAKLAND - DAY
                         
          An EES corporate helicopter touches down. A few gun-toting
          SECURITY GUYS in dark suits and dark glasses get out. They
          check that the coast is clear, then give the signal. Out
          steps Richard Hertz. He mutters something to one of the
          security guys, and walks towards the Freak House.
                         
          IN THE FREAK HOUSE
                         
                          RICK
           (under his breath)
           I don't believe it. What's Hertz
           doin' here?
                         
          The door to the Freak House opens. Hertz enters, unzips his
          fly. Finding no toilet, he shrugs and relieves himself on
          the floor. Rick steps out of the shadows towards him.
                         
                          RICK
           So EES is in bed with Elijah C.
           Skuggs, eh? Figures.
                         
          Hertz is momentarily startled by Rick. He collects himself.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Rick! Thank God I got to you in
           time!
           80.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Cut the crap, Hertz.
                         
          Hertz relieves himself as he talks.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Ricky, you have no idea how your
           misfortune has touched our hearts.
           When you disappeared we almost gave
           up hope. But we'd heard reports of
           Skuggs's reckless abuse of Noxon,
           and when the story broke in the
           tabloids, I decided to personally
           come down and get to the bottom of
           things.
                         
          He zips up and heads to the door.
                         
                          RICK
                          (SKEPTICAL)
           Really?
                         
                          HERTZ
           No.
                          (BEAT)
           AHA HA HEE HEE HO HO HA HA HEE HEE
           HO HO HO HA HA HA HA!
                         
          The cackle is unmistakable--Rick's face twists in horror as
          he realizes... Hertz is THE LAUGHING MAN! Hertz ducks out
          the door. Rick looks after him, stunned.
                         
          We hear a nearby SNORE cut off, and the Human Torch stands up
          from the spot where Hertz relieved himself. He's dripping
          wet and no longer on fire. He sniffs his soaked, smoldering
          clothing.
                         
                          TORCH
           Peuw! Hey! Of all the... That
           really pisses me off!
                         
          POOF! He catches fire again and walks off. Rick is doing a
          slow burn, still looking after Hertz. He erupts and his
          monster eye glows briefly. He screams in anguish.
                         
                          RICK
           AAARRGGGGHH!
                         
          Dejected, Rick leans against the wall. JulieErnie walk up
          behind him. Julie puts a hand on Rick's shoulder to comfort
          him. As they look into each other's eyes, a loud CRASH
          distracts them. Rick peers through the crack.
           81.
                         
                         
                         
                         RICK'S POV
                         
          A caravan of EES trucks crash through the front gate and
          drive up to the lab. There's a few cargo trucks and a huge
          NOXON-24 tanker.
                         
                          RICK
           Holy shit.
                         
          A forklift drives out of the back of one of the large trucks,
          carrying the old corporate farts on a wooden palette.
                         
          One of them falls off, and a bunch of WORKMEN scramble out to
          prop him up and push him back into place.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB - DAY
                         
          Elijah switches on the lights, and turns to face his
          audience. Hertz is accompanied by his stone-faced security
          men and various executives. Workmen are busy installing the
          old board of directors and their arm-raising pulley system.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Nice to see you in the flesh,
           Laughing Man.
                         
                          HERTZ
           No need to use codenames, Elijah.
           We're all friends here. And just
           to prove it, I brought you a little
           present.
                         
          Hertz snaps his fingers and nods to a security guy, who
          produces a wriggling canvas sack. He dumps its contents onto
          the lab table--it's Stuey Gluck! His glasses come tumbling
          out after him. He squints at the security guy.
                         
                          STUEY
           Rick? Is that you?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Who's the troll?
                         
                          HERTZ
           He was asking questions about
           Coogan, causing trouble. We
           figured he was one of yours.
                         
          Stuey puts on his glasses. Elijah looks him up and down.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I make freaks alright, but come on,
           fellas--this thing's pathetic.
           82.
                         
                         
                          STUEY
           Well you're no Julio Iglesias
           yourself, mister.
                          (CALLS OUT)
           Rick! Riiiick! Riii--
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          Rick hears Stuey's voice in his head, all echoey.
                         
           STUEY(V.0.)
           --iiiiiick!
                         
                          RICK
           Oh no, not now, Stuey!
                         
          The ghostly image of STUEY gradually takes shape in front of
          Rick. Rick can make out the lab table Stuey's on, and some
          shadowy figures in the background.
                         
                          RICK
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           Hey. That's Elijah's lab!
                          (TO STUEY)
           Stuey! Are you really in the lab?
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Stuey is still wailing, and everybody else is getting pretty
          damn annoyed.
                         
                          STUEY
           Yes! I'm in the lab! I'm in the
           lab!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Not only ugly, he's crazy too.
                         
          Toad grabs Stuey and slaps a piece of tape over his mouth.
          He throws him into one of the chicken cages along the far
          wall. A two-headed chicken starts to peck at him.
                         
                          HERTZ
           So, where were we?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Gentlemen, I'm not going to
           bullshit you. I know my setup here
           at Freakland looks like small
           potatoes.
           83.
                         
                         
          He pulls the cover off a small scale model of Freakland,
          about ten inches high. It shows the stage, lab, outhouse,
          the head, everything.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           But thanks to your Noxon and my
           genius, tonight I will turn Ricky
           Coogan into a freak so hideous,
           it'll be enough to turn your
           stomach inside out, boil your brain
           in its own juice, and cause cold
           sores you thought had healed up to
           start buggin' you again.
           (the EES men shift
                          UNCOMFORTABLY)
           It's the dawning of a new age for
           us all. Behold, Super Mega Freak
           World!
                         
          He whisks the cover off another scale model--it's exactly the
          same as the little model except it's a lot bigger.
                         
                          ELIJAH (CONT'D)
           It's really somethin', huh?
                         
                          HERTZ
                          (FEIGNS APPROVAL)
           Very impressive.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           We'll kick Disney's dead ass!
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          Rick is watching all of this in a ghostly image.
                         
                          RICK
           Stuey! Stuey, can you hear me?
                         
          Stuey's image, still with his mouth taped shut and the
          chicken pecking at him, nods yes.
                         
                          STUEY
           Mmm hmmm!
                         
                          RICK
           I want you to try and escape. Get
           the cup from underneath the
           instrument table and bring it to
           me, okay?
                         
                          STUEY
                          (NODS)
           Mmmm mmmmm!
           84.
                         
                         
          He gives Rick the old trademark Coogan thumbs up. Rick
          halfheartedly returns the gesture.
                         
                          RICK
           Yeah, right. Get movin'.
                         
                         
          INT. LAB
                         
          Stuey checks to make sure nobody's watching him. They're
          not. He removes the spring from a pocket pen and picks the
          lock. Stuey searches the floor, and spots the Pepsi cup.
          He'll have to crawl through several pairs of legs to reach
          it.
                         
                          HERTZ
           At EES, our plans for your Gene
           Machine include everything, except
           shoes that is. Ha-ha-ha.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Ha-ha. Gee, I'd love to see your
           plans.
                         
                          HERTZ
           We'd love to show you.
           (to his assistant)
           Bill, if you'd be so kind.
                         
          BILL BLAZER, a slick and dashing EES marketing executive,
          strides confidently up to the podium.
                         
          Stuey has to duck the fast approaching legs. Bill steps over
          him, not even noticing he's there.
                         
          Bill takes Elijah's "Freak World" graphic off an easel, and
          replaces it with his own. Finding no place to deposit
          Elijah's, he simply drops it on the floor. Elijah looks a
          little hurt.
                         
                          BILL
           What does today's businessman want?
           How about a receptionist with six
           arms, five mouths, and a knockout
           figure? That'd sure speed things
           up, wouldn't it?
                         
          With a big smile, Bill reveals an illustration of a multi-
          limb secretary (in a sexy dress) talking on three different
          phones, taking notes, and typing, all at once.
                         
          Stuey heads towards the Pepsi cup. He brushes against the
          back of Hertz's legs. Hertz looks over at Elijah beside him,
          who smiles politely. Hertz smiles back, invitingly. Maybe
          there's a few things we don't know about him.
           85.
                         
                         
                          BILL
           In the factory, how 'bout a worker
           with twelve busy hands, no mouth to
           talk back, and no genitalia or
           digestive system to distract him
           from his work?
                          (HE CHUCKLES)
           Sure! It's what we all dream of!
                         
          The EES guys all nod along. Except for the workmen, who
          exchange worried looks. Elijah's still not sure what to make
          of it all.
                         
          Meanwhile, Stuey has the Pepsi cup of sludge in hand, and
          he's crawling under the table towards the door. He brushes
          up against the back of Elijah's legs.
                         
          Elijah looks over to Hertz, who gives him that smile again.
          Elijah looks away quickly, panicky.
                         
                          BILL (CONT'D)
           Well, with this Skuggs-based Noxon
           technology, it's not only possible,
           it's just the beginning! Of
           course, what happened to our
           expensive spokesman Ricky Coogan
           was an unfortunate coincidence, but
           profits from these new markets
           could total in the billions.
                         
          All the executives turn to Hertz. He cracks a smile.
                         
                          HERTZ
           Ricky who?
                         
          The executives laugh heartily. Stuey glances across the room
          to the door. He has to make a break for it, so he does.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Hey! Hold on!
                         
          Stuey freezes. He's right out in the open, in plain view.
          Still, nobody seems to see him. They're still watching-
          Bill's presentation.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Secretaries? Worker drones?
           Where's the fun? Where's the
           spark? Where's the unspeakable
           evil?
                         
          Bill laughs pleasantly.
                         
                          BILL
           Ha-ha. I was just getting to that.
           86.
                         
                         
          Bill launches back into his speech with more intensity than
          even the best infomercials. Meanwhile, Stuey inches towards
          the door, moving as imperceptibly as possible.
                         
                          BILL
           We'll impact every field.
                          COSMETICS--BREAST ENLARGEMENT
           creams, nosejobs in a bottle.
           Military--human death machines that
           make Schwarzenegger look like a
           pansy! And why stop at consumer
           products? Hell, we can design a
           whole new consumer! A few well
           placed drops in the water supply,
           and bingo! It's a new master race,
           and we own the copyright! An
           entire planet of freaks owned and
           operated by us! Every part of
           their bodies comes from an EES
           supplier, every thought they think
           is EES policy! From now on
           gentlemen, it's EES uber alles!
           EES uber alles!
                         
          The EES guys clap and shout approval. Elijah's impressed
          too. He leans over to Hertz.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           This guy's good.
                         
                          HERTZ
           We lured him away from A.T.&T.
                         
          Stuey is finally out the door. Of course, now they spot him.
                         
                          SECURITY GUY
           Look! The troll!
                         
                          HERTZ
           After him!
                         
                         
          EXT. LAB
                         
          Stuey is outside the lab. Inexplicably, (actually it's just
          because he's so stupid) he's still moving inch by inch. He
          calls to Rick through the tape on his mouth.
                         
                          STUEY
           Mmm! Mmmmm!
                         
                         
          INT. FREAK HOUSE
                         
          Rick sees the image of Stuey inching away from the lab.
           87.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Take the tape off your mouth,
           idiot! They didn't tie your hands!
                         
          Stuey realizes this is true, and pulls the tape off his
          mouth.
                         
                          STUEY
           I got the cup, Rick!
                         
                          RICK
           Great! There's no time to waste.
           Are you being followed?
                         
                          STUEY
           Yeah. But if I don't move, they
           won't see me.
                         
          Two big EES security guys are standing watching Stuey's odd
          behavior. They pick him up and carry him away.
                         
                          STUEY
           Riiiick!
                         
          Rick sees this all in his holographic image. It fades.
                         
                          RICK
           What a geek.
                         
          He turns to the other freaks, who've woken up and are
          gathered around on the floor. Rick shakes his head.
                         
                          RICK
           Stuey got caught. There's no way
           to get the ointment before the
           show.
                         
                          WORM
           So, that's it then? We're all to
           die... And by your hand no less.
                         
                          RICK
           No. It won't be me. It's some
           inhuman monster Elijah used me to
           create. As for me, the real me,
           I'll always be your friend. Before
           I have to rip your heads off, I'd
           like to say goodbye to each of you.
           (He turns to Worm.)
           Worm... I'll miss your brains, the
           smell of your pipe, and the funny
           way you always go on talking until
           everyone wants to strangle you.
                         
          He pats the Worm on the head tenderly, and turns to Cowboy.
           88.
                         
                         
                          COWBOY
           Hi, Rick.
                         
                          RICK
           Cowboy, I'll miss your good humor,
           your down-home wisdom, and of
           course, the frothy milkshakes were
           udderly delicious, heh-heh...
                         
          He smiles and playfully tugs Cowboy's udder. He turns to the
          Bearded Lady.
                         
                          RICK
           Bearded... Lady... I dunno.
           We'll always have Paris...
                         
          Bearded lady is kind of confused, Rick shrugs.
                         
                          RICK
           Nosey, I never really liked you.
                         
          He moves on to Frog Man.
                         
                          RICK
           Frog Man, I think death is probably
           the best thing for you now.
                         
          Frog Man nods in agreement. Rick rpaches JulieErnie.
                         
                          RICK
           Ernie... Julie... I have mixed
           feelings.
           (He turns to Ernie)
           On one hand, I'll remember you as
           the best friend a jerk like me ever
           had, and a low down repulsive
           slimeball.
                         
          He turns to Julie. ROMANTIC MUSIC swells up.
                         
                          RICK (CONT'D)
           On the other hand, I really respect
           you, and more than that, I, uh,
           well, I wish we'd had the chance to
           boink.
                         
                          JULIE
           Oh, Rick...
                         
          They embrace. Rick calls out to the assembled group.
                         
                          RICK
           Today I make the proudest boast a
           man can utter: "Ich bien ein
           Freak!"
           89.
                         
                         
          They're all ready to cheer, but they're confused by his bad
          German. Rick has to explain himself.
                         
                          RICK
           Uh, I'm a freak.
                         
          Oh. They all get it. Beat. Then they cheer.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT..CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT
                         
          A huge banner reads "NEW IMPROVED BEAST BOY SLAUGHTERS HIS
          LOVED ONES! SPECIAL GUEST: FUNNYMAN DOM IRERRA! TONIGHT
          ONLY!". We can hear the sound of the crowd inside.
                         
          INSIDE THE TENT
                         
          There's a typically smallish crowd in addition to the EES
          executives who occupy the front seats. The security goons
          are strategically situated throughout the tent, and two of
          them sit on either side of Stuey in the second row. Elijah
          is onstage.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           And now the moment you've all been
           waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen,
           meet the lucky young man who's
           about to be become the monster with
           the mostest! Here he is, the Beast
           Boy!
                         
          Toad pulls a rope and the curtain opens, revealing Rick
          strapped to an operating table. On stage left there's a
          large cage containing all the other freaks. Including the
          unconscious, half-naked Milk Man who Rick knocked out in the
          freak house. The Milk Man domes to, looks around in a panic,
          grabs the bars of the cage, and screams--
                         
                          MILK MAN
           AAHHHH! WE'RE IN A ZOO!
                         
          Rick searches the cheering audience for Stuey, who waves the
          Pepsi cup full of glop in the air. Rick hears Stuey's voice
          echo in his head telepathically.
                         
           STUEY (V.0.)
           Rick! Over here!
                         
          Stuey's waving cup is blocking the view of a big, annoyed
          BIKER sitting behind him. Elijah quiets the crowd and holds
          up a beaker of ointment.
           90.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           With this remarkable ointment of my
           own design, I will now turn this
           half-finished ghoul into the
           ultimate super freak, dedicated to
           evil!
                         
          Elijah puts on some rubber gloves and prepares to glop Rick,
          who squints under the spotlight, still searching for Stuey.
          He calls out telepathically.
                         
           RICK (V.0.)
           Stuey! Where are you?!
                         
          Stuey stands up on his seat and waves the cup, totally
          blocking the biker's view. He telepathically replies.
                         
           STUEY (V.0.)
           Here I am, Rick!
                         
                          BIKER
                          (TO STUEY)
           Goddammit, kid! Would you sit
           down!?
                         
          The biker grabs the cup and dumps it over Stuey's head. The
          "good ointment" runs down all over Stuey's body.
                         
                          STUEY
           AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
                         
          All eyes turn to Stuey, who falls down and disappears onto
          the floor screaming.
                         
                          RICK
           Oh no!
                         
                          BIKER
           What the hell!?
                         
          Suddenly an EIGHT FOOT TALL MONSTER VERSION OF STUEY leaps to
          its feet and snarls down at the biker. The biker pulls a
          switchblade and jams it into Stuey monster's leg--the blade
          crumples on his armor-like hide. Stuey grins and SLAM! He
          drives the biker into the ground like a railroad spike. He
          leaps onto the stage and stalks Elijah.
                         
                          STUEY MONSTER
           YOUR ASS IS MINE, SKUGGS!
                         
          Rick and the freaks in the cage cheer stuey Monster on.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Uh-oh, that kid looks pissed. EYE
           AND EYE! KILL HIM!
           91.
                         
                         
          Eye and Eye rush the stage, Uzis firing.
                         
           EYE AND EYE
           RASTAFARI!
                         
          The bullets bounce off Stuey's hide. He doinks them with his
          big monster fingers and sends them flying through...
                         
          THE TENT ROOF
                         
          across the compound, and THWOPP! Into the Giant Head's eye
          sockets, where they spin around and come to a stop, cockeyed.
          CRASH! The head's foundation crumbles and it keels over
          backwards.
                         
                         
          INT. CARNIVAL TENT
                         
          Elijah calls out to Toad.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           TOAD!
                         
          Stuey Monster roars at Toad. Toad smiles weakly.
                         
          THE TENT ROOF
                         
          Toad catapults through it, follows the path of Eye and Eye
          across the compound and CRASH! Lands head first into the
          neck of the Giant Head. He gets up with the Giant Head stuck
          on his own head, making him look like one of those big headed
          caricatures. He runs blindly across the yard and into...
                         
          THE ELECTRIC FENCE
                         
          ZZZAAAAPPP! BOINNGG! Eye and Eye zing out of the sockets,
          and Toad's tongue sticks ten feet out of the Giant Head's
          mouth. It's the biggest Tex Avery cartoon take ever!
                         
                         ELIJAH
                         
          looks worried. He scoops up some "evil ointment".
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Looks like it's time to roll out
           the big gun.
                          (TO RICK)
           Sayonara, kiddo. Any last words?
                         
          Rick considers it. He can't think of anything.
                         
                          RICK
           Nahh.
           92.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Suit yourself.
                         
          He raises the ointment over Rick. Rick has an idea for a
          last word.
                         
                          RICK
           Wait! Wait!
           (Elijah pauses. Rick
                          RECONSIDERS)
           Nahh.
                         
          Elijah glops Rick. His skin starts to smoke.
                         
                          RICK
           AHHHHRRRGGG!
                         
          Stuey Monster stalks Elijah onstage. Rick is smoking and
          shaking violently on the table.
                         
                         HERTZ
                         
          turns to his EES cronies in the audience. He looks bored.
                         
                          HERTZ
           What a waste of twelve bucks.
           Let's get the machine and go.
                         
          The other executives nod.
                         
                         RICK
                         
          starts to transform. FWOOP! His ears spring out into huge
          monster ears, kinda like in Pinocchio. FWAAP! His mouth
          grows into a massive, Big Daddy Roth style monster mouth.
          FWEEP! His upper head does the same.
                         
          His body follows suit. He bursts' out of the straps and
          grows into a drooling TEN FOOT TALL RICK MONSTER. He snarls
          at Stuey Monster.
                         
                          RICK MONSTER
           TIME TO DIE, TROLL!
                         
          The crowd and the other freaks look on, tense. Stuey Monster
          instinctively whips out a Ricky Coogan publicity photo and a
          pen.
                         
                          STUEY MONSTER
           Rick! Rick! Could you sign
           this!?
                         
          Rick Monster snarls and bashes Stuey Monster in the face.
          Stuey Monster jams the pen through the photo and snarls back.
           93.
                         
                         
                          THE CROWD
           FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
                         
          Even Julie is screaming "Fight! Fight," beside herself with
          bloodthirsty glee. Ernie smacks her.
                         
          The crowd goes nuts as the monsters trade a series of cliche
          pro-wrestling moves. Stuey bashes Rick. Rick bashes Stuey,
          etc.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Give him the skull cracker, ya big
           goon!
                         
                          ERNIE
           No way! The skull cracker is an
           illegal move!
                         
          Stuey grabs Rick's hair and marches him around the stage.
          The crowd is taking sides, screaming out advice, and foaming
          at their mouths.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Let's get this over with. Hey
           Hertz, tell your goons to
           (he turns to Hertz and is
                          STUNNED)
           What the hell-!?
                         
                         HERTZ
                         
          stands in front of the a group of EES HARDHATS who are using
          forklifts to move the Tasty Freekz Machine towards the exit.
          He notices Elijah and taps his executive ASSISTANT.
                         
                          ASSISTANT
                          (TO ELIJAH)
           Ahem. At this point in time we at
           EES regret that we must leave this
           performance prematurely.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           What are you saying!?
                         
                          HERTZ
           What we're saying is... get
           stuffed, yokel.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I figured I couldn't trust you
           corporate greaseballs!
                         
          Elijah turns to an alarm box on the wall which reads "BREAK
          GLASS IN CASE OF DOUBLECROSSING CORPORATE GREASEBALLS." He
          breaks the glass and pulls the lever inside.
           94.
                         
          A trapdoor on the stage opens and a large chemical tank rises
          out of it. Elijah jumps into the seat of the gun turret
          nozzle atop the tank. He aims the nozzle at the EES group.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Let me proudly introduce the latest
           in our product line, Noxon 25--now
           available in a convenient pump!
                         
                          HERTZ
           Bullshit! The Everything Except
           Shoes corporation releases no new
           products unless I give the order!
                         
                          ELIJAH
           I think it's time EES branched out
           a little.
                         
          He presses the plunger and the nozzle spews a torrent of
          yellow glop on the EES people. They scream in agony as their
          bodies melt together into one big mutating blob.
                         
          Alistair Cooke stands up in the audience--he's got a head
          bandage and a crutch from being trampled at the last show.
                         
                          ALISTAIR COOKE
           Ahhh! Head for the hills before he
           gets all of us!
                         
          The crowd goes berserk and rushes the exits, trampling poor
          Cooke like a roach.
                         
                         RICK MONSTER
                         
          flips Stuey onto the ground and starts stomping on him.
          Stuey is knocked out cold. Rick leaves him on the floor and
          stalks the freak cage murderously.
                         
                          RICK MONSTER
           NOW I RIP FREAKS TO PIECES!
                         
                          JIMIE
           No! We're your friends!
                         
                          RICK MONSTER
           Oh. NOW I RIP FRIENDS TO PIECES!
                         
          He rips some bars off the cage and is about to spear
          JulieErnie with a jagged steel bar when Stuey Monster grabs
          his leg and trips him. Stuey summons all his remaining
          energy to wrestle Rick, delaying him, for the moment, from
          slaughtering the freaks.
                         
          Meanwhile, Elijah is watching as
                         
          THE EES BLOB
           95.
                         
                         
          solidifies into... A GIANT SHOE made of living flesh. It's
          got eyeballs where the eyes should be, a tongue where the
          tongue should be, but it's helpless and immobile.
                         
          Elijah looks at it with pride. He does his best Ed Sullivan
                         IMPRESSION:
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Now that's a really, really big
           shoe. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmmm, I think
           I'd like a pair of those!
                         
          He swivels the nozzle turret towards the cage full of freaks
          and is about to glop them when Rick stands up above Stuey,
          blocking Elijah's trajectory at the freak cage. Rick raises
          the jagged bar above Stuey, ready to drive it down through
          his chest.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           (to Rick monster)
           Would you hurry up and waste the
           troll, please!? I got a lonely
           shoe over here!
                         
          Rick Monster nods and drives the spear down when we...
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET
                         
          Rick's silhouette (which matches his ten foot monster
          incarnation) is immersed in the story.
                         
                          RICK
           And then...
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
           Sorry to interrupt Rick, but you've
           been talking for almost ninety
           minutes, and we've just got to go
           to a commercial.
                         
                          RICK
           Sorry.
                         
                          REGIS
           We'll be right back after this,
           folks.
                         
                          CUT TO:
           96.
                         
                         
                         
                         PRODUCT SHOT
                         
          A fine array of different kinds of cheese on a chopping
          block.
                         
           TOUGH VOICED ANNCR
           You like cheese. You like being a
           man. That's why you like..
                         
          A BURLY HAND swipes all the cheese off the block and slams
          down an aluminum can labeled "MACHEESMO."
                         
           TOUGH VOICED ANNCR
           Macheesemo. Real cheese for real
           men. Now in a handy aluminum
           dispenser.
                         
          The hand crushes the can and gooey yellow cheese squirts out
          the top.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET
                         
          We hear a music bite from "Le Freak."
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
           And now back to the exciting
           conclusion of Ricky Coogan's
           incredible story.
                         
                          RICK
           Well, let's see, the other freaks
           were lined up in Elijah's sights,
           and I was about to shove a pipe
           through Stuey's skull, when all of
           a sudden, I heard a voice...
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT
                         
          Rick stops the spear inches from Stuey's chest. Their eyes
          meet.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Kill him! Kill him!
                         
          Elijah's bloodthirsty goading fades away, and Cowboy's voice
          reverberates in Rick's head.
           97.
                         
                         
           COWBOY (V.O.)
           I reckon that troll could help you
           if you just let him into your
           heart... your heart... your
           heart...
                         
          The voice keeps echoing. A tear wells up in Rick Monster's
          eye. He looks over at Cowboy, who is actually calling out to
          him from the cage.
                         
                          COWBOY
           Your heart... your heart... your
           heart...
                         
          Rick Monster loses his murderous glare. He breaks into a
          warm smile, throws the pipe away and helps Stuey Monster up.
          They hug. The rest of the Freaks cheer wildly.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Atta' boy Coog!
                          (NUDGES WORM)
           Hey, ain't that somethin'?
                         
          The Worm is gushing sentimentally. He tries to hide his
          tears.
                         
                          WORM
           Tosh. (Sniff) Sentimental claptrap
           (Sniff) Shameless, maudlin--Baaa!
                         
          He can't hold it in anymore. He bawls like a baby.
          Meanwhile, Elijah is hopping mad.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Cut the lovey-dovey bullshit, and
           start mutilating each other!
                         
          He aims at Rick Monster and presses the fire button. The
          Glop starts to flow, but before it can make it out of the
          tip, Rick grabs hold of the nozzle, and twists it around to
          face Elijah.
                         
                          RICK
           Raarrrrrrgh!
                         
          Elijah manages to duck just in time. A stream of yellow
          Noxon 25 glop flies over his shoulder, and lands in the DUNK
          TANK full of carbolic acid that sits off to one side of the
          tent.
                         
          The acid and the Noxon mix together and bubble up menacingly.
                         
          Elijah hops down out of the gunner's chair and squares off
          against Rick Monster.
           98.
                         
          Meanwhile, Stuey Monster has released the other freaks from
          the cage. They watch the confrontation from a distance.
                         
          Elijah rolls up his sleeves. Rick growls and advances
          slowly.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           You think I made you strong? HA!
           I've cranked my DNA up so high, you
           won't know what hit you. I'm a
           wrecking machine! Aaaaaaa!
                         
          He rushes at Rick and delivers a flurry of punches to his mid
          section. They have absolutely no effect. Rick brings one
          heavy fist slamming down on Elijah's head, stopping him cold.
                         
                          ELIJAH
                          (WEAKLY)
           Ow! I think you crushed my spinal
           cord. I can't feel anything in my
           fingers.
                         
                          RICK
           Maybe you'll feel this ...
                         
          Rick rears back to kick him.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Qait--if you kill me, you'll never
           find the antidote.
                         
          The freaks all perk up. Rick's skeptical.
                         
                          RICK
           What antidote?
                         
                          ELIJAH
           A time release serum--I baked it
           into a delicious batch of
           macaroons.
                         
          A slow smile grows on the Freaks' faces, especially Rick's.
                         
                          RICK
           If you ask me, you skimped on the
           coconut!
                         
          THWAK! Rick boots Elijah between the legs, sending him
          flying through the air. He lands on the DUNK TANK SEAT over
          the bubbling Noxon/Acid. Dazed, he looks at the bullseye
          target, and back at Rick. Summoning up his last ounce of
          bravado, Elijah makes a last stand.
           99.
                         
                         
                          ELIJAH
           Come on, Coogan! Come oooon! You
           haven't got the guts to kill me!
           Go on! I dare ya'!
                         
          Rick ponders for a second. He looks over to Julie. Then...
                         
                          SCRAPPY
           Yap! Yap!
                         
                          RICK
           Scrappy!
                         
          Scrappy the dog rushes in. He leaps up and presses the
          bullseye, dropping Elijah into the hideous mixture.
                         
                          ELIJAH
           AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!
                         
          Elijah struggles in agony. His body bubbles and mutates in
          the thick toxic soup. He sinks lower and lower into the
          gunk, until he and his cries are buried for good.
                         
          Scrappy leaps into Rick's arms and licks his face.
                         
                          SCRAPPY
           Yap!
                         
                          RICK
           Atta boy, Scrap!
                         
          BLAM! BLAM! The tent flaps fly open and a half dozen FBI
          AGENTS rush in with guns drawn.
                         
                          FBI CHIEF
           Freeze, FBI!
                         
          Another FBI GUY investigates the dunk tank, sees Elijah's hat
          floating on top of the bubbling ooze.
                         
           ANOTHER FBI GUY
           Looks like they took care of
           Skuggs, chief.
                         
          The chief nods. They put away their guns, and approach Rick
          and the rest of the jubilant freaks.
                         
                          CHIEF
           Nice work, Ricky. You'll get a
           medal from the Vice President for
           this.
                         
                          RICK
           Great. But how did you--
           100.
                         
                         
                          CHIEF
           We've been following Skuggs for
           years. Scrappy just filled in some
           of the details.
                         
                          SCRAPPY
           Yap!
                         
                          FBI CHIEF
           Thank heavens you brought him to
           justice, Rick. God only knows how
           far his sick plans would've gone.
                         
           ANOTHER FBI GUY
           Hey chief, look at this!
                         
          The FBI guy has peeled the decal off the Pepsi machine,
          revealing that it's actually a Coke machine! The chief is
          sickened to the core.
                         
                          FBI CHIEF
           Is nothing sacred?
                         
          Suddenly, the agents are distracted by a terrible scream.
          They turn to the dunk tank and are shocked by what they see.
                         
                          FBI CHIEF
           Oh, my Lord!
                         
                          RICK
           No! It can't be!
                         
          We SWISH PAN over to reveal a DRIPPING BLOB climbing out of
          the dunk tank. The blob separates into two distinct entities
          with their backs to us. They turn around and...my God
          it's... it's....
                         
          REGIS AND KATHIE LEE!
                         
          Or at least a damn fine mutant imitation of them. Call
          him/them ELIJUS and ELLY LEE. They both have glowing red
          demon eyes and speak in Elijah's voice.
                         
                          ELIJUS
           Thought you killed me, huh?
                         
                          ELLY LEE
           What the hell are you looking at?
                         
                          FBI CHIEF
           Two pieces of deadmeat!
           101.
                         
                         
          BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The FBI guys open fire. We show only
          the horrified reactions of the freaks as they look on.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE SET
                         
          Rick, Regis, and Kathie Lee are still in silhouette.
                         
                          RICKY
           And that's my story.
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
                          (YAWN)
           It was so exciting!
                         
                          REGIS
           And long! My God! It makes War
           and Peace sound like a warm up act!
                         
           CREW GUY(O.S.)
           Okay! We got light!
                         
                          REGIS
           It's fixed? Well, it's about time!
                         
          The lights come on--no more silhouettes. Ricky looks
          perfectly normal, his old self. His weird silhouette was
          caused by a potted plant and some strange hanging mobile
          behind him.
                         
                          RICKY
           That's better.
                         
                          REGIS
           I'll say.
                          (TO AUDIENCE)
           How 'bout it, folks. Let's hear it
           for Ricky Coogan!
                         
          The audience applauds and hoots wildly.
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
           Can we bring out the other freaks
           now?
                         
          The audience cheers as the rest of the Freaks walk out from
          the wings, and stand off to the side waving to the audience.
          They all look clean cut and happy. They wear T-shirts with
          their former identities printed on them. "I was NOSEY," "I
          was COWBOY," "I was the BEARDED LADY" etc. Except the Worm,
          who's still a worm. His T-shirt says, "I'm Still THE WORM".
           102.
                         
                         
                          WORM
           Ridiculous... Just because a man
           doesn't like macaroons...
           Nonsense.
                         
          Suddenly a squirrel runs across stage, followed by Juan. He
          pounces and catches the furry little bugger.
                         
                          JUAN
           Gotcha! Damn, it's about time!
                         
           ALL THE EX-FREAKS
           (happy to see him)
           JUAN!
                         
                          JUAN
           Hey guys! Jeez! You look great!
                         
          They all hug.
                         
                          REGIS
           That's just great. What a story.
           And what an ending! Elijah
           transformed by the goop!
                         
                          KATHIE LEE
           And he really looked like--?
                         
                          RICK
           Exactly like you two, I swear.
           Same faces, same outfits, except
           they had these really big, hideous
           feet...
                         
          He looks down at Regis and KATHIE LEE's feet--they're big,
          hideous monster feet! Suddenly their eyes glow bright red--
          It's Elijus and Elly Lee! They speak with Elijah's voice.
                         
                          ELIJUS
           Show's over, Ricky!
                         
                          ELLY LEE
           I'm gonna drink your blood!
                         
          Elly Lee pulls a machete and is about to force it down on
          Rick's throat when...
                         
          BANG! BANG! BANG! Elijus and Elly Lee's eyes go funny.
          They look at each other, spit up some blood, wave to the
          audience one last time, and collapse to the floor. Julie
          stands behind them, smoking gun in hand. She rushes to Rick.
          They embrace.
                         
                          JULIE
           Rick! It's finally over!
           103.
                         
                         
                          RICK
           Yes... Yes it is.
                         
           STUEY(O.C.)
           Rick! Rick!
                         
          Rick and Julie turn and see Stuey, still a ten foot tall
          monster, running towards them. He's carrying a garbage bag
          dripping blood.
                         
                          RICK
           Stuey!
                         
                          STUEY
           Look! I found the real Regis and
           Kathie Lee!
                         
          Rick and Julie look at the bag, mortified. Stuey chuckles.
                         
                          STUEY (CONT'D)
           No, this is just my lunch!
                         
          Rick and Julie sigh with relief. Stuey pulls out a similar
          leaking bag and holds it up.
                         
                          STUEY
           (matter of fact)
           This is Regis and Kathie Lee.
                         
          Rick and Julie nod casually--"Oh."
                         
                          AUDIENCE
           Awwww!
                         
          Suddenly Elijus and Elly Lee pop up from behind the couch,
          bloodied, but still fierce. They're about to stab Rick and
          Julie when...
                         
          BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Five more shots ring out
          and they fall dead--again.
                         
          Ernie stands off to the side with a smoking gun.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Oh, like that wasn't totally
           predictable.
                         
                          JULIE
           Well, now it really is over.
                         
          Sappy END OF THE MOVIE MUSIC wells up.
                         
                          RICK
           Thank God. You know, this
           adventure has taught me something.
                          (MORE)
           104.
                          RICK(CONT'D)
           When man starts impinging on the
           subtle perfection of the earth's
           natural order, the only thing he'll
           create is havoc.
                         
                          ERNIE
           Right, Coog. I learned somethin'
           too. That men and women truly are
           equals. That the human spirit
           transcends gender and physical
           appearance, and thus it is immune
           to the petty degradations men may
           devise. I believe it was Moliere
                          WHO SAID--
                         
          Julie's had enough. She socks Ernie square on the jaw.
                         
                          JULIE
           Oh, shut up.
           (She turns to Rick)
           Let's go fuck.
                         
          Rick gives her the thumbs up. They turn to the audience.
                         
           RICK/JULIE/ERNIE/STUEY MONSTER
           Good night, everybody!
                         
          The audience cheers. The HIT SINGLE from the soundtrack
          album kicks in as we...
                         
                         ROLL CREDITS
                         
          As the credits roll, and everybody continues to smile and
          wave at the cheering audience, Elijus and Elly Lee attack
          again. Ernie hands the gun to Stuey, who shoots them dead.
          Well, dead-ish. Seconds later, after some more waving, they
          attack again. This time Nosey and the Bearded Lady stab them
          to death, sort of. A little more waving, before Elijus and
          Elly Lee make another pathetic attempt. They can barely
          stand. Cowboy clubs one with a mic stand. Worm head-butts
          the other. A few seconds later, Elijus's bloodied hand
          gropes its way over the top of the studio couch. Stuey has
          to prop him up while members of the audience are invited down
          to punch him in the chops. Ernie stands off to the side,
          charging everyone five bucks per blow.
                         
          As we fade, everyone's having a go flipping, throwing,
          kicking and impaling rag doll replicas of America's favorite
          morning show hosts.
                         
           THE END?!