ARTHUR
                         


                                   Written by

                                 Peter Baynham
                         
                         
                         
                         
                                                             10/16/09
          EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                         
          A HOMELESS MAN, who from his tatty suit may have been a top
          broker this time last year, is picking through a bin in
          Manhattan's deserted night-time financial district.
                         
          The street starts to vibrate. A TERRIFYING GROWL approaches.
                         
          A huge black shape smashes into view - THE DARK KNIGHT'S
          BATMOBILE! Our audience wonder if they've wandered into the
          wrong movie. The Homeless Man dives for cover.
                         
          BAM! The Batmobile smashes into a row of parked cars.
                         
          We hear manic laughing from inside the car, which screeches
          and careers violently into a sign reading `WALL STREET'.
                         
          Sirens herald THREE POLICE CARS in hot pursuit.
                         
          The Batmobile roars up Wall Street, bashing against the New
          York Stock Exchange, thumping up and down the Federal Hall's
          steps and finally smashing at high speed into the rear end of
          the famous 'Charging Bull' statue. Two enormous bronze
          testicles thud onto the Batmobile's bonnet and roll away.
                         
          The cop cars screech up, surrounding the Batmobile. TWO OLDER
          COPS and A ROOKIE surround it, weapons drawn.
                         
          A HELICOPTER appears, blazing the Batmobile in white light.
                         
                          ROOKIE COP
           Cooool.
                         
          An older Cop flashes the rookie a dirty look, then points a
          FLASHLIGHT into a tiny window. THE BATMAN - actually drunken
          English socialite ARTHUR BACH TEMPLEMEAD in a costume -
          lowers the window and offers a handshake.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Evening, Constable!
                         
                          OLDER COP 1
           (seen it all before)
           Hi, Arthur.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Are you familiar with the
           expression `I can explain
           everything'?
                         
                          OLDER COP 1
           Out of the car, please.
           2.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Terribly sorry, but in the film
           they used a different model to show
           the old Batchap getting in and out.
           This one has no doors, so I'd have
           to squeeze out the back arsehole
           first. Which nobody wants...
                          (TO COP 2)
           Apart from you, cheeky monkey!
                          (BEAT)
           It's a joke! Okay, okay.
                         
          Arthur wriggles awkwardly out of a rear hatch. The bronze
          bull teeters, a little scarily. He stands, wobbly. His Batman
          utility belt features a big water pistol, a firework, a hip
          flask and line of shot glasses. And, inexplicably, a big red
          stapler. The younger cop is desperately fighting the giggles.
                         
                          OLDER COP 1
           Okay, explain everything.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Well. What with having spunked 1.6
           million fat Alberts on this little
           runaround, I thought why not take
           it a step further and try to
           actually collar a few ne-er do
           wells? It worked for the
           billionaire Bruce Wayne, why not
           the future billionaire Arthur Bach-
           Templemead? Will I have to do
           traffic school?
                         
                          OLDER COP 2
           How much have you drunk, Arthur?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           To use the technical medical term -
           megabloodyshitloads. Either that or
           I've had a stroke! But fret not, I
           have a designated driver.
                         
          The cop shines his flashlight back inside, revealing A
          BEARDED HOMELESS OLD MAN IN A CRAPPY 60S `ROBIN' costume.
                         
                          HOMELESS ROBIN
           Where's my five thousand dollars?
                         
          Arthur counts out a huge wad of cash.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The Boy Homeless here neglected to
           say he'd never driven.
                          (MORE)
           3.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Or that the only reason he's sober
           is to be ready for the conspiracy
           of leopards about to seize
           Manhattan.
                         
                          HOMELESS ROBIN
           It's LIZARDS! English prick!
                         
          Arthur hands another wad of cash to Cop 1.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I trust this will cover all repairs
           to New York and any inconvenience
           to your good selves?
                         
          He turns and tries to get back in.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Up up and away! Ah, no, that's the
           other chap.
                         
          The bronze bull collapses fully, crushing the Batmobile.
                         
                         
          INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CELL - NIGHT - LATER
                         
          Arthur sits, minus mask, in a cell with Homeless Robin and
          VARIOUS CRIMINALS and DRUNKS, including A HUGE GUY IN A
          CHICAGO CUBS SHIRT, sporting a terrifically swollen eye.
                         
          JAY, a drunk with a bandaged neck, is ranting away at Arthur,
          who's paying close attention, genuinely fascinated. Cash
          sticks out of various pockets.
                         
                          JAY
           Then the crazy motherfucker cut me!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Goodness. Why?
                         
                          JAY
           Said I cut the bombita with pig
           killer!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Rude man. And who threw hot
           Americano in whose face again?
                         
                          JAY
           I did in his. No half and half
           neither. That shit burnt!
                         
          Jay laughs hard, as does GARY, another crook. Arthur, out of
          politeness, tries to join in the laughter.
           4.
                         
                         
                          GARY
           I burnt my sister's hair.
                         
                          JAY
           (high fiving him)
           Cool...
                         
                          GARY
           Ho wanted to evict me, just 'cause
           I don't fit her definition of
           hygiene. Plenty of places to take a
           shit, toilet's just one of them.
           Just ask the a-rabs.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's like a chat show, this.
           (looking into an imaginary
                          CAMERA)
           It's been said of my next guest, by
           Jay the bandaged lunatic, that
           she's `a sick-ass, whacked-out,
           whacked-up asswipe'.
           (to a PROSTITUTE)
           Carmella, when did you first dream
           of becoming a crack whore?
                         
                          PROSTITUTE
           Mother died when I was six.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh G-d, I hate when that happens.
                         
                          PROSTITUTE
           My father raped me when I was
           twelve.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sounds like you had six relatively
           good years.
                         
                          JAY
           What do you do?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I model riding boots, I spend
           money, I sleep with women. But I
           have weekends off and I am my own
           boss.
                         
          The cell door swings open.
                         
                          OLDER COP 1
           Hey, The Drunk Knight. Your Fairy G-
           d-lawyer's here.
           5.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (STANDING)
           I never thought New York's
           underbelly could be quite such
           agreeable company. I shall never
           forget you. Farewell.
                         
          The crooks look back at him sulkily. Arthur looks guilty.
                         
                         
          INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CORRIDOR. NIGHT - LATER
                         
          Arthur's attorney ELVERTON DEVERE is leaving with him.
                         
                          DEVERE
           I don't think your mother will be
           pleased, Arthur.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Really, Elverton - if a chap can't
           help out a few chums, whatever
           their station in life.
                         
          The other crooks from the cell are leaving alongside them.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Each has given his or her word to
           put the criminal life behind them.
                         
                         
          EXT. 23RD PRECINCT. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur steps into a blaze of paparazzi flashes.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I am the Batman. Gotham can sleep
           easy tonight.
                         
                          JAY
           (points at A CAMERAMAN)
           Don't point that shit at me, bitch!
           I will FUCK YOU UP!
                         
          Jay attacks the cameraman violently. Gary piles in.
                         
                          HOMELESS ROBIN
           Yes! Yes! Kill the lizards!
                         
          Arthur pushes past the press.
                         
                          PRESS
           Arthur! What will your mother say?
           Didn't she send you here to get you
           out of the British papers? Arthur!
           6.
                         
                         
          He turns to those crooks who aren't fighting.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Anyone need a job? My last driver
           resigned after I filled his limo
           with squirrels. Preferably sober,
           clean driving licence?
                         
          The crooks all look unsure. Apart from one....
                         
                         TITLES
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN- NIGHT
                         
          A different, extremely flashy car zips through Central Park,
          the back full of released crooks, the huge Chicago guy - his
          name's MARTY - at the wheel.
                         
          The car passes A MALE JOGGER. It stops and backs up. Arthur
          opens a door and beckons the jogger, offering champagne. The
          jogger gets in. The car sets off again.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Anyone know a good bar?
                         
                         
          EXT. CLUB - NIGHT
                         
          The car pulls up outside a very rough-looking dive club. Out
          falls Arthur, laughing his head off, along with champagne
          bottles, footballs and rich boy's toys. Following him are
          his crook friends, the jogger, TWO MIDDLE-AGED TOURISTS and A
          DANCING MAN in a leotard twirling a big sign reading `CHEAP
          APARTMENT RENTALS!'
                         
          Like the pied piper, Arthur leads his disciples into the bar.
                         
           JUMP CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. BAR - LATER
                         
          Arthur staggers out, leading a bigger crowd! (IN A CONGA?)
          He's even more drunk, arm in arm with Carmella the prostitute
          and a very attractive young woman, SOFIA. He produces A BIG
          ROCKET.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Stand back!
                         
          He releases the firework; it flies at a crazy drunk angle,
          people screaming and diving for cover. It explodes into a
          shop sign reading `CHECKS CASHED'.
           7.
                         
                         
                          CARMELLA
                          (LAUGHING)
           Oh, man. Nobody tell you about the
           recession?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The what?
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                         
          A very long line of excited people stand at an ATM, Arthur at
          the front.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Roll up, roll up, folks, let's fix
           this thing right now.
           (to his first customer)
           How much, sir?
                         
                          FIRST MAN
           Um. $800 please.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Coming right up.
           (keys it in)
           Fries with that?
                         
          The man laughs, along with others in the line, including
          Sofia who catches his eye.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Congratulations everyone! THE
           RECESSION'S OVER!
                         
          Arthur dials a number on his gold iPhone.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Pierre? Arthur Bach-Templemead. Can
           you squeeze me in for a little
           snack? Yeah, just me and a couple
           of mates.
                         
                         
          INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The Maitre D' enters from the kitchen and is stunned to find
          the restaurant incredibly stuffed with people, so there's
          standing room only. People are even sitting on tables. It's a
          very eclectic mix of people.
                         
          An angry, stuffy old man and his wife and daughter sit
          horrified at the center.
           8.
                         
                         
          Arthur's flanked by Carmella the prostitute and Sofia from
          the ATM line.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Pierre! We'd like 182 pate de foie
           gras, 182 chateaubriand steaks, a
           motherlode of chips and your entire
           wine cellar please.
                         
          The daughter of the stuffy couple - she's ERICA - speaks.
                         
                          ERICA
           Arthur?
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (TAKEN ABACK)
           Erica? Fancy meeting you here!
           Er...Everybody, this is Erica - the
           very best friend forever of my
           girlfriend Susan. And Erica's
           parents Ernest and Margaret.
           (to Erica and her parents)
           Are you familiar with the
           expression `I can't explain
           anything'?
                         
                          ERICA
           Who are the women with you, Arthur?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh, um, this is Sofia. I believe
           she works for Avis. Checks the cars
           for dings, dead people in the
           trunk, that sort of thing. And
           this is Carmella. Anyway...
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           What do you do, Carmella?
                         
                          CARMELLA
           Whatever you want. But no
           penetration without a rubber.
                         
          It's all gone a bit tense.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Carmella's joking. She's actually
           a...queen. Of a very small country.
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           Is she now?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's terribly small.
           9.
                         
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           I see.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Rhode Island could beat the crap
           out of it in a war.
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           Yes, it's a small place.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           85 cents in a cab from one end of
           the country to the other. I'm
           talking small.
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           I think I understand how small it
           is.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Just had the entire country
           carpeted, this is not a big place.
                         
                          ERICA'S FATHER
           You need to grow up, Arthur.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           That's easy for you to say, you
           haven't got 50 pairs of short
           trousers hanging in your closet.
           Maybe we should go somewhere else.
                         
                          ERICA
           Maybe you should.
                         
          He gets out his ultra-exclusive Black Visa Card.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Could I have all those lobsters to
           go, please?
                         
                         
          EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY
                         
          The bright dawn sun explodes on the windows of Arthur's
          castle-like $56 million penthouse atop the Pierre Hotel.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A huge jacuzzi is full of contented liberated lobsters,
          surrounded by the most amazing toy boat armada in history.
           10.
                         
                         
          We cut around the vast, opulent 20's apartment, scattered
          with unconscious revellers from last night. A mixture of old
          extravagance and modern excess, the place is stuffed with the
          toys of the boy who has everything:
                         
          An old gun cabinet is stacked with enormous water rifles.
                         
          A `Bodyworlds' plastinated corpse is posed, swinging from a
          chandelier, a bottle of champagne in its hand.
                         
          Damien Hurst's shark in formaldehyde is half out of its
          smashed tank, a REVELLER'S FEET protruding from its jaws.
                         
          Unconscious partygoers are slumped on plush seats in a home
          cinema themed to look like the set of `Roadrunner', while a
          screen plays episodes of the cartoon.
                         
          A naked couple lie in a sleeping embrace in a room converted
          entirely into a sandpit, complete with giant toys.
                         
          Big Chicago Marty, Arthur's new driver, lies on a big sofa,
          consulting his sports pager.
                         
          Homeless Robin is filling pans and antique vases with water.
                         
          A huge photo of Arthur modelling riding boots fills a wall,
          beside an old red London telephone box, converted into an
          aquarium, bubbling with colorful fish.
                         
           GIRL (O.S.)
                          (PANTING)
           More British!
                         
                         
          INT. BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Bowler-hatted Arthur and Sofia are having sex...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Cup of tea? Nice hot cup of hot
           Rosy Lee right up your fanny?
                         
          ....beneath a rotating solar system mobile good enough to
          grace a national planetarium, on a bed floating magnetically
          three feet above the floor.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A key is turned and the door to the apartment opens. A
          SENSIBLE WOMAN'S SHOE steps over a reveller.
           11.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur and Sofia are in an even greater frenzy. The floating
          bed is wobbling scarily.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hugh Grant Mr Bean self deprecation
           mad cow disease Yorkshire pudding
           bad teeth rain rain rain rain!
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. GREAT ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          AN OLDER WOMAN'S HAND pulls on A SURGICAL GLOVE.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The older woman enters the room carrying A PLASTIC TRAY AS
          USED AT AIRPORT SECURITY. This is JANE HOBSON, the British
          aristocracy's longest-serving nanny.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (brightly, as he humps)
           Morning, Hobson!
                         
          Unfazed, Hobson busies herself picking up Arthur's trousers,
          and emptying wallet, matchbooks, and iPhone into the tray.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Morning, Arthur.
                         
          She hits a remote. The curtains fly open. A HUGE TV flips on,
          showing news coverage of Arthur's antics last night.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           I'm afraid your impromptu stimulus
           package failed to reignite the
           economy.
           (reading a receipt)
           De Cache Cocktail Lounge: $23,897?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Umm...Celebration of Kwanzaa.
                         
          Hobson's reading a text on Arthur's phone: `So excited ur
          funding my movie!'
                         
                          HOBSON
           The African heritage festival
           celebrated five months from now?
                         
          She replies: `I was drunk. Piss off.'
           12.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (noticing Sofia's stopped
           having sex with him)
           Why are you stopping? Oh, sorry.
           How impolite of me. Sofia, this is
           Hobson, my nanny.
                         
                          SOFIA
           Nanny?
                         
                          HOBSON
           He's merely shaped like an adult.
                         
                          SOFIA
           Is she going to stay here?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson, could you come back in a
           minute and a half please?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Negative. You're seeing your mother
           this morning.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Nobody told me.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Actually I did, on the other side
           of the vast moat of champagne known
           as `last night'.
                         
          Hobson picks up Sofia's panties and bra from the floor like a
          crime scene officer.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           I wouldn't recommend letting him
           get used to your breasts, dear.
           Addictive personality. He was at
           mine until he was six.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson! Really...
                         
                          HOBSON
           I had to dab Tabasco sauce on the
           nipples to see him off...
                         
                          SOFIA
           I can't do this.
                         
          She pulls away from Arthur, grabs her clothes and jumps out
          of bed, nearly tipping Arthur out.
           13.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           I support your decision 100%. Will
           you be requiring a taxi, or just be
           getting in a random passing car?
                         
          Sofia storms to the door, clutching her clothes. Arthur can
          see other revellers being removed by HOTEL SECURITY.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           Say goodbye to your new friends,
           Arthur. They have to go back to the
           recession now.
                         
          Arthur covers his head with the sheet.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Cancel my mother please, Hobson.
           I'll work from bed today.
                         
          But Hobson hits a touch-sensitive screen on the wall. The
          magnetic bed thuds to the ground. She taps another control.
                         
          MUSIC: HORRIBLE, DEAFENING DEATH METAL
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Not the death metal, please!
                         
                          HOBSON
           (shouting over the music)
           Aren't you a fan of Carcass?
                         
          Hobson reads off an album cover in a little wall screen.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           `Vomited Anal Tract' is surely a
           classic of its genre.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GET UP!
                         
          Arthur sits up. Hobson stops the music.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Good boy.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm going for a shower.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I'll alert the media.
           14.
                         
                         
          EXT. BALCONY SHOWER - DAY
                         
          Arthur stands naked in his shower - a big glass cube jutting
          out from the balcony like something from a David Blaine
          stunt. Hot jets of water are blasted from holes in the cube's
          ceiling. Arthur can see Manhattan far beneath his bare feet
          as he showers.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (SINGING)
           To Bombay, a travelling circus
           came...
                         
          Arthur grabs a pair of binoculars which hang on a hook.
                         
                          HOBSON
           They brought an intelligent
           elephant and Nellie was her
           name...Hobson!
                         
          We see Hobson on a little screen inset into the glass wall.
          She's on a phone at Arthur's computer.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Female Tom Hanks!
                         
                         
          INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Hobson - in front of an Ebay screen full of purchases - picks
          up her own pair of binoculars and looks down.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Heading east towards Park Avenue.
                         
          Through Hobson's binoculars we see A MIDDLE-AGED
          BUSINESSWOMAN who does look vaguely like a female Tom Hanks!
                         
                          HOBSON
           She's early today...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Can we invite her up and dress her
           as Forrest Gump?
                         
                          HOBSON
           No.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Just for a laugh! We'll pay her.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Do your armpits.
                          (INTO PHONE)
                          (MORE)
           15.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           Mr. Miller? My employer
           inexplicably agreed to purchase
           your...
                          (READS SCREEN)
           `Authentic 1981 `Funshine' Care
           Bear'? For $11,000 plus shipping
           costs? Sorry, but that transaction
           will take place over my dead body,
           and I'm feeling rather well today.
                         
                         
          INT. SHOWER - DAY
                         
          Arthur's still peering down through his binoculars.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Hobson! That was your birthday
           present! You like bears!
                         
          A PRIEST WITH THIN SIDEBURNS emerges from A DINER...
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Father Wolverine...
                         
          A MASTURBATING MAN IN A 70TH STORY APARTMENT OPPOSITE...
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Wank Williams...That man has the
           constitution of an ox.
                         
          Hobson glances up at Arthur, washing himself on the screen.
                         
                          HOBSON
           That reminds me, clean your
           genitals. Heaven knows what
           wildlife that girl was harbouring
           between her thighs.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S DOJO. DAY - LATER
                         
          Arthur, in expensive baggy yoga pants and collarless shirt,
          is doing self-invented yoga to Indian `meditation' music.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I give you `Sideways farting
           spider'.
                         
          Hobson is sitting, exasperated, going through various
          expenditures.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur, you have to stop giving
           money away!
           16.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm a philanthropist.
                         
                          HOBSON
           With the emphasis on the `pissed'.
           Really, what is it about unearned
           wealth that brings out such idiocy
           in those who have it and those who
           want it? The way you're going,
           you'll have spent your inheritance
           before you've inherited it.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (shifts to new pose)
           `Eagle pointing at lesbian.'
                         
                          HOBSON
           Why did you fire Jessica?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What kind of yoga teacher won't let
           a pupil invent positions? She was
           a Nazi with a pan pipe C.D.
                          (CHANGING POSE)
           `Upwards Pooping Astronaut'.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Interesting. It looks more like
           `Rich twit hiding from mother.' May
           I remind you, she finances your
           preposterous existence...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I know, I know. Never bite the hand
           that fists me.
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                         
          Arthur and Hobson are in a huge Bentley. Marty's at the
          wheel, still in his Cubs shirt but sporting a chauffeur's cap
          and tie. As he drives, he checks a bleeping sports pager. He
          nearly hits a pedestrian, then goes back to the pager.
                         
                          MARTY
           Sorry, fellas.
                         
                          HOBSON
                          (CONSPIRATORIAL)
           You don't seriously intend to keep
           employing this gentleman?
           17.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Give the guy a chance, Hobson. He
           got laid off in Chicago...
                         
                          HOBSON
           But he doesn't know his way around
           New York!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           So? I want interesting, fun people
           around me, not drones who just get
           the job done...
                         
          Arthur sees something out of the window.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Marty! Stop the car!
                         
          Marty hits the brakes, pitching Arthur and Hobson forward.
                         
                         
          EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur hurries up to A SMALL GROUP OF TOURISTS.
                         
           WOMAN (O.S.)
           The Chrysler Building. Designed by
           William Van Allen...
                         
          A TOUR GUIDE wearing a name badge reading `Naomi' is talking.
          She is gorgeous, wearing vintage clothes, clutching a
          clipboard. We understand why Arthur stopped the car.
                         
                          NAOMI
           ...and inspired by the machine age
           of the 1920s, this magnificent
           structure was the world's tallest
           building for 11 months before the
           Empire State stole its thunder.
                         
          She looks out on her sullen, miserable tourists.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           The Chrysler got its name when the
           builder went bust in the 1928
           Cement Famine and had to melt down
           his Chrysler to make the pointy bit
           at the top. If you peer closely you
           can still make out remnants of a
           hub cap and a sticker reading `Honk
           twice if you voted Hoover.'
                         
          Some tourists laugh. Some don't. Arthur's transfixed.
           18.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           That was a joke, folks. It was
           built for the Chrysler corporation.
                         
          Naomi shares an eye roll with A NEWSSTAND GUY who's clearly
          in love with her.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           The spire is a beauty, especially
           on a winter's morning when the sun
           hits it and it just seems to...
                         
           GRUMPY FEMALE TOURIST
                          (INTERRUPTING)
           How tall is it?
                         
                          NAOMI
           1047 feet madam, not allowing for
           pigeon shit. Okay, let's cross.
                         
          Naomi leads the tourists across the busy road. She has to go
          back to grab a teenager in the headphones, who didn't hear.
          Arthur hurries alongside Naomi.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Can I join your tour please?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sure. It's $15, plus $5 for the
           free authentic street pretzel.
           Sorry, my bosses make the prices.
                         
          Arthur produces his wallet full of high-end credit cards.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Sorry. I can't take cards.
                          (BEAT)
           Ah, owe me it. I start on that
           corner every day on the hour...
                         
          Just as Naomi's reaching the other side, a cabbie, driving
          very aggressively, nearly hits her.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Hey, you big blind jerk! Doesn't
           your braille windshield work?
                         
                          CABBIE
                          (ANGRY)
           !NO ME HINCHAN LAS PELOTAS!
           19.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           PEGUELO ENCIMA DE SU ASNO, USTED
           PINCHAZO GRANDE SU MADRE ES UN PUTA
           ENORMA Y SU PADRE NO TIENE NINGUIN
           MARTILLO!
                         
          The cabbie's shocked - but laughs and blows Naomi a kiss. She
          smiles back.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Wow. What did you say?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Just generalised criticism of his
           parents and genitals.
           (to the tourists)
           Everyone make it over alive?
           Excellent. Next we enter Times
           Square, world famous for New Year's
           Eve, when a Waterford Crystal Ball
           descends at eye-poppingly slow
           speed for the inexplicable
           entertainment of a million drunk
           fools. Many people think the square
           is actually a square, despite
           blatant evidence otherwise.
                          (TO ARTHUR)
           Sir? What shape is Times Square?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           A circle?
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (LAUGHS)
           See? Morons.
                         
          More tourists laugh this time. Some...
                         
           GRUMPY MALE TOURIST
           When do we get the pretzel?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Soon, sir. Soon.
                         
          She checks her watch and leads the party inside a laundromat.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Okay, next the very Laundromat once
           used by George Gershwin, Donald
           Trump...
           20.
                         
                         
          INT. LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi approaches a washing machine just as it ends its cycle
          and makes a loud buzz.
                         
                          NAOMI
           ...Mr Big from Sex and the City and
           three of the 9-11 terrorists.
                         
          She starts unloading the machine of a large man's whites -
          vests, underwear, shirts, all stained red by a baseball cap.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Oh, dad.
                         
          She transfers the laundry into a tumble dryer and feeds it
          quarters. Arthur stays close.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           The Welsh poet Dylan Thomas drank
           himself to death at the Chelsea
           Hotel half an hour after losing a
           sock in this very dryer.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (CONSPIRATORIAL)
           Are you abusing this tour to do
           your errands?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you abusing the tour to stalk
           me?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Absolutely.
                         
          Arthur stares at the big tumble dryers.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           These things are amazing. Have you
           ever put all your father's clothes
           on and just got inside one?
                         
          Naomi looks at him, bemused but intrigued as she heads to the
          door.
                         
                         
          EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY
                         
          Hobson's out of the car looking for Arthur.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Where the blazes is that boy?
           Arthur!
           21.
                         
                         
          EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          They emerge into the street.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Ahead, the jewel in Manhattan's
           crown, the Empire State Building.
           This iconic symbol of American
           corporate might was adapted during
           World War 2 in case of attack from
           enemy forces. At three minutes'
           notice the entire structure can
           retract into the ground like a
           tortoise's head.
                         
                          TOURIST
           That's not possible. I should know,
           I'm a civil engineer.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You're not being very civil to me.
                         
          Some tourists laugh.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The building doesn't retract; the
           ground rises up.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Exactly. The ground rises up! Thank
           you, sir.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           They were going to install giant
           legs so if a plane was flying at
           the tower it could run away. But
           where's it going to run?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Manhattan's in the way.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It'd have to jump in the Hudson.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Victory to the Nazis. Is that what
           you want?
                         
          The group approaches a pretzel stand.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Okay, folks, your pretzel awaits.
                         
          The group lines up to get their pretzels.
           22.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Do I know you from somewhere?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           If you go on Perez Hilton or TMZ.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What are they?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The gossip websites.
                         
                          NAOMI
           That the internet? Ah, my
           computer's too old for all that.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           For the internet? Seriously?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Life's too short for all this
           obsessive upgrading.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You consider the internet an
           upgrade? Wow.
                         
                          NAOMI
           So why do people gossip about you?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Ah, that was a joke. I'm nobody.
                         
          Arthur feels a tap on his shoulder. Hobson.
                         
                          HOBSON
           You're late for your mother!
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (TO ARTHUR)
           Sorry, this pretzel stand is a
           watering hole for the crazies.
           (raises her voice to
                          HOBSON)
           The soup kitchen's just up and to
           the left, honey.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson, this is...
           (reads her badge)
           Naomi.
                         
                          NAOMI
           She's with you?
           23.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           Delighted to meet you, Naomi.
           Normally one has to go to a bowling
           alley to meet a woman of your
           stature.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Ooh, Grandma's got jokes.
                         
                          HOBSON
           You aren't the first woman who
           walks the streets this young man
           has asked.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Who's this? Joan Rivers' older
           bitterer sister?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           My nanny.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Obviously. Seriously, who is she?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           My nanny. Well, she started as
           that, but these days she's more of
           an all-round enforcer and
           bodyguard.
                         
          Naomi looks at her watch and glances to the tourists, chewing
          on their pretzels. She starts to walk away.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sorry, I have to get out the cattle
           prod and haul ass. Got another tour
           starting in eight minutes.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Can I call you?
                         
          Naomi starts to walk away.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I don't give my number to grown men
           with nannies. But as you may not be
           a grown man, it's 917 476 2030.
                         
          Manhattan swallows the lovely stranger.
           24.
                         
                         
          INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          They cross a huge foyer, passing a big sign reading
          `TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS INC' to the elevator.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But what if this is the one?
                         
                          HOBSON
           This is just like the Komodo
           dragon. Everyone else is happy to
           see one in the zoo and leave it
           there. You had to own one. Thank
           goodness that handbag manufacturer
           was prepared to take the poor
           lizard away.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (HORRIFIED)
           You said he's in London Zoo!
                         
                          HOBSON
           He is, Arthur. Are you the only one
           allowed to joke now?
                         
                         
          INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
                         
          Reception is manned by GRANT, a too-cool-for-school, young
          Aryan beefcake straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch spread.
          Arthur and Hobson enter.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I don't like it here.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Of course you don't. People work
           here.
                         
                          GRANT
                          (HATES ARTHUR)
           Good afternoon, Mr Bach-Templemead.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hi Grant. Tell me - which of your
           parents are you most like?
           Abercrombie or Fitch?
                         
                          GRANT
           (doesn't get the joke)
           I have no connection with that
           store. My family name is Von
           Krausehoff. Take a seat please.
           25.
                         
                         
          Arthur and Hobson sit down. Grant picks up a phone.
                         
                          GRANT (CONT'D)
           Vivienne?
           (conspiratorial, flirty)
           White mid-rise briefs...mmmm.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Don't fret, Arthur. This won't take
           long. Then we'll have ice cream.
                         
          A LARGE OFFICE DOOR opens spookily of its own accord.
                         
           VIVIENNE (O.S.)
           Come in, Arthur.
                         
          Arthur heads to the door. VIVIENNE BACH-TEMPLEMEAD a
          formidable, tanned American widow in her sixties, shakes his
          hand.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           Arthur.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Vivienne.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           You know I prefer `mother'.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm sorry. You look more like a
           Vivienne.
                         
          Vivienne nods to Hobson as the door to her lair shuts. An icy
          breeze passes between biological mother and surrogate.
                         
                         
          INT. VIVIENNE'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The office boasts many glass cases full of trophies and
          framed photos of Vivienne's younger self showjumping and
          holding trophies aloft. There's one small photo of Vivienne,
          Arthur's late father GERALD and Arthur as a toddler.
                         
          Vivienne's engrossed in a document, making notations. Arthur,
          clearly uncomfortable here, sits in a low sofa before her.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           (not looking up)
           So. How are you, Arthur?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Quite busy. I have a riding boot
           shoot for Petrie Dressage...
           26.
                         
                         
          But Vivienne's buried in her work, not listening.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           What else...I'm meeting Ivanka
           Trump for brunch to discuss the
           environment. She's sending her
           helicopter to avoid the traffic...
                         
          Vivienne's still not listening.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Crashed my Batmobile into the
           bronze bull on Wall Street...
                         
          She's still not listening. Has it always been like this?
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           ...which caused a hole to swallow
           up the New York Stock Exchange...
                         
          She's still not listening.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           ..the world economy to collapse and
           the planet to descend into looting
           and cannibalism.
                         
          Still not listening.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           What else? Um...tripped over in the
           shower this morning. Head split
           open, found a family of meerkats
           hiding in there! Hated the thought
           of the little lads being homeless
           so I bricked up the remaining half
           of my brain, popped them back in
           and Hobson glued my skull back
           together.
                         
          Still not listening.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I'm thinking of buying a giant. I
           think the market's right for it.
                         
          Arthur stops. He watches Vivienne. He lets out a huge belch.
          Nothing. A big fart. Nothing. Opera. Nothing.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           You really are a shoddy mother.
                         
          Vivienne eventually looks up.
           27.
                         
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Did I hear you say you were meeting
           Ivanka Trump for brunch? That's
           nice. Right. Today we're going to
           have a friendly chat. Then a
           serious talk. And lastly make a
           timetable. How does all that sound?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Amazing. Do you have any vodka?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           What happened, Arthur? You were
           such a sweet baby.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I still wake up in my own poo
           occasionally.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Right, that's it for the chat. Time
           to transition to our talk.
                         
          Vivienne hits a remote control. A large wall-mounted screen
          fills with a changing collage of him drunk, dancing, puking,
          making out with women, beside countless news headlines.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           This insanity has to end, Arthur.
           As the delightful coffee-coloured
           gentleman who runs this country
           said, `The time has come to set
           aside childish things.'
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Can't Hobson set them aside for me?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Susan is a splendid girl. Her feet
           are on the ground, she's of fine
           stock...
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (GETS UP)
           Oh. That's what this is all about.
           I'm not marrying Susan. I don't
           love her.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           And? You think I spent my marriage
           to your father skipping through
           meadows?
           28.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
          Not after you ran him over in the
          Bentley, no. Susan's boring. She's
          not funny.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Ditto your father. The aristocracy
          doesn't marry for `fun', Arthur.
          It's about stability. Continuity...
                         
                          ARTHUR
          ...and sinking your fangs into
          Susan's father's bank account.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          The Johnson family's considerable
          equity in a stormy financial period
          is merely a side issue. Burt is a
          pillar of the community.
                         
                          ARTHUR
          His baby formula was taken off the
          market in six African countries!
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          A completely innocent error in
          places where there's precious
          little for children to live for
          anyway. The families all got gift
          baskets as compensation. That
          little bump in the road aside, Burt
          is a devout Christian.
                         
                          ARTHUR
          Yes, because they're never insane.
          And where did he get Jesus?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
                          (GETTING EXASPERATED)
          Burt paid his debt to society years
          ago.
                         
                          ARTHUR
          He strangled a fireman! Who
          strangles a fireman?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Arthur...
           29.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
          I'm sorry, Vivienne. I've met
          someone else very lovely who, as
          far as I know, isn't related to
          anyone who would kill an unsung
          hero in cold blood.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Un-meet her. Arthur, you're the end
          of our line. We need an heir.
                         
                          ARTHUR
          I nearly gave you an heir!
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Oh, give me strength! A Bach-
          Templemead having a child by a lap
          dancer called `Mystery'?
                         
                          ARTHUR
          That was just her stage name! To
          give her more mystery when
          she...waved her fanny around. Her
          real name was...what was it again?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Susan is 33 this year. Her egg
          inventory has dropped by 23% since
          you met her. You risk having no
          sons, or worse, some pea-brained
          hunchback who hugs everyone!
                         
                          ARTHUR
          Great! I like hugs! And some of
          them are really good at math.
           (heading to the door)
          You know the `Frog and Toad' books?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          No.
                         
                          ARTHUR
          Of course you don't. Hobson read
          them to me while you were off
          riding horses over stripey poles.
          They're about fun and friendship,
          not how many unspasticated tadpoles
          I can squirt up a rich girl.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
          Your father would turn in his grave
          to hear this nonsense...
           30.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           That I won't follow in his
           footsteps and marry a woman I hate?
           I think he might climb out of the
           grave and dance on it.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Suit yourself.
                         
          Vivienne holds up the document she was notating earlier.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           My will, which I have updated to
           designate Grant in reception as the
           sole beneficiary.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You wouldn't! You're my...
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           ...Vivienne? Try me.
                         
          Vivienne opens a draw and takes out A HUGE RING BOX.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           Shall we segue to the timetable
           part of our meeting?
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                         
          The liberated lobsters are now living happily at the bottom
          of the London phone box aquarium. Arthur eats lunch alone at
          a huge table, THE BIGGEST DIAMOND RING IN THE WORLD is beside
          him. Hobson brings a plate of vitamins.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Ah. The ring your father gave your
           mother, I recall.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (feeling its huge weight)
           Did he knock her out with it, then
           drive her to the church in the
           trunk of his Bentley?
                         
                          HOBSON
           No. Your father was a gentleman.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What's gentlemanly about dying
           before I knew him? That's just
           rude. Did he ever love my mother?
           31.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           They had their days.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Ah well. At least he doesn't have
           to wake up every day to a woman
           with a face like saran wrap
           stretched over a gargoyle.
                         
          Arthur stares at the ring again.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           What about Naomi?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur. I say this with love:
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Uh-oh...
                         
                          HOBSON
           Even by modern male standards
           you're a breathtakingly immature
           little shit. Coupled with the kind
           of money you have access to, that's
           deadly. Susan may not have a four
           hour stand up routine about the
           Flatiron Building, but she's a
           solid girl who will look after you.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I have you for that.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Not forever.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Yes forever. You're Hobson.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi answers a giant old cellphone in her modest apartment,
          cooking for her dad, RALPH, a bear of a man slumped in front
          of the TV watching CSI. A picture of Naomi and her elderly
          mother, in hospital, is on the wall.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hello?
                          (SILENCE)
           Hello?
           32.
                         
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S, ON PHONE)
                          (MOCK SINISTER)
           This is your English stalker.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (UNFAZED)
           Oh, hi! What's up?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm sorry, I've never really
           understood that question. Are you
           free tomorrow night?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sorry, I'm polishing my yacht.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur's on the toilet in a bathroom whose walls are entirely
          covered in a photographic mural to make it look like he's
          sitting at the top of a ski slope, with skis on his feet.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Is that a euphemism for something
           naughty?
                         
                          NAOMI
           No, it's a lie. I have a creative
           writing class. Tonight?
                         
          Arthur glances down at the ring box on the floor.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I have a contractual commitment.
           Friday?
                         
                          NAOMI
           You got it.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Paper.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sorry?
                         
          A voice-activated toilet paper dispenser spits out a sheet.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, I was talking to something
           else. So. What do you want to do?
           33.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi dishes out the food on cheap plates. It's all a big
          contrast to Arthur's setting.
                         
                          NAOMI
           A movie?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Movie? Come on, you've got to try
           harder than that.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Pizza.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What have you always wanted to do?
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's a first date, Arthur. Not our
           honeymoon.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Every date will be our honeymoon.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (MOCK DISGUSTED)
           Ewww. Okay, uh, picnic in the
           park...or dinner with a view. I
           like views.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur's standing at a sink. A list is beside him, reading
          `Picnic in park, movie, dinner, view.'
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What sort of food do you like?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Anything but guts and mushrooms.
           Okay, enough questions.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh come on. This all helps build up
           a profile of you before I trick you
           into my basement. I'd hate to not
           have your favourite snacks ready.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Turkey Jerky and Pez. Are we done?
           Just that I....
           34.
                         
                         
          The line goes dead. Hobson is standing behind Arthur, the
          ripped out phone cord in her hand.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Time to get engaged, Arthur. The
           Komodo dragon can wait.
                         
                         
          EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                         
          The original Delorean from `Back to the Future' putters up to
          Burt Johnson's imposing, tacky mansion. The car stops and the
          gull wing door swings up, revealing an extremely drunk
          Arthur, clutching a bottle of champagne.
                         
                         
          INT. THE JOHNSON MANSION - NIGHT
                         
          AN EXTREMELY STIFF, MISERABLE OLD BUTLER answers.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hi! Is it June 19th at 7 pm?
                         
                          BUTLER
           No, sir. It's 8.34.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           FUCK! We overshot! Time travel can
           be a real cunt sometimes, don't you
           think? I'll be right back. See you
           in an hour and a half ago...
                         
          The butler doesn't laugh.
                         
                         
          INT. BURT'S STUDY - DAY - LATER
                         
          Arthur and the butler enter the large, paneled study.
                         
                          BUTLER
           Would you care for anything while
           you wait?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           A trampoline and a selection of
           woodland creatures if that's not
           too much trouble.
                         
          The butler leaves. Arthur gazes around the room, which is
          filled with antique Christian iconography. The ceiling fan is
          in the shape of a cross. A large, scary Jesus statue, palms
          outstretched, stares at him from beside a fish tank.
                         
          He sees a cocktail cabinet.
           35.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Ah!
                          (TO JESUS)
           Shhhhh...
                         
          He opens the cabinet. Nothing but bottles of water.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Bollocks.
                          (TO JESUS)
           Sorry. Actually, you couldn't,
           um....you know...
           (points to the water)
           ...turn this into a nice 1990
           Romanee Conti, could you?
                         
          He sips the water as if it's wine. Lifts it to Jesus.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Cheers ears.
                         
          He checks out a huge, very old, rusty sword on the wall.
          Beneath it is a small information plaque.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           `Genuine Sword of the First
           Crusade. Excavated Germany, 1972'.
                         
          He looks around, then reaches up and takes it off. It's VERY
          heavy and clanks to the ground, slamming his foot.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Jesus Fucking Christ!
                          (TO JESUS)
           Sorry. It's not like you shouted
           `Arthur Fucking Bach' when they
           pinned you up. Sorry. Sore subject.
                         
          Arthur lifts the sword again, brandishing and twirling it,
          making the noise of a Star Wars light sabre.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Feel the force, Luke.
                         
          He swings it in a full arc...CLUNK!
                         
          Arthur has decapitated Jesus! Where's the head? The door
          opens. BURT JOHNSON, a large, imposing man with a tiny
          crucifix around his neck, fills the doorway.
                         
                          BURT
           Arthur!
           36.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I, er, had a bit of food stuck in
           my teeth and couldn't find a
           toothpick.
                         
          Burt, unperturbed, takes the sword from Arthur.
                         
                          BURT
           Heck, this sword went through three
           crusades. Beheaded 1000 moslems.
           Nothing you can do to harm it.
                         
          Burt walks straight past headless Jesus to the water cabinet.
          Arthur looks around desperately for the head.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You don't, um, have anything
           stronger, do you?
                         
                          BURT
           Sparkling.
                         
          Arthur laughs nervously. But Burt's not joking.
                         
                          BURT (CONT'D)
           `The drunkard and the glutton shalt
           come to poverty: and drowsiness
           shalt clothe a man with rags.'
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Surely a glass of sherry at
           Christmas?
                         
          Burt clinks glasses with him.
                         
                          BURT
           Peace be with you.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           And also with me.
                         
          He sees Jesus's head! It's sitting on top of one of the
          blades of the ceiling fan!
                         
                          BURT
           Arthur. Can I be honest with you?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You're the real Slim Shady? I knew
           it!
           37.
                         
                         
                          BURT
           My faith teaches me to hate the
           sin, not the sinner. But with you,
           I struggle with that belief.
                         
          Burt turns away to get a glass of water.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You could switch to Judaism.
           (glances up at the fan)
           Bit warm in here. Do you mind if I
           put the fan on?
                         
          Arthur turns the fan on a low setting. It rotates slowly, the
          head going around with it. Burt turns away to pour more
          water. Arthur grabs the moment to speed up the fan again,
          until it's going fast enough and Jesus's head falls off.
          Arthur catches it. Arthur gets behind Burt, out of sight
          temporarily.
                         
                          BURT
           Anyway, Arthur. However I feel
           about you, my daughter loves you.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Yes, it's a problem, isn't it?
                         
          Arthur reaches out and, unseen by Burt, he reaches out of
          shot and puts the head back on Jesus's body.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Let's knock our heads together and
           find a way to stop her loving
           me....Got it! We'll tell her I'm on
           the sex offenders register....No, I
           am and she knows.
                          (BEAT)
           Joke, sorry. Ah. We'll say I'm gay!
           I did once dabble actually, so I
           can tell a plausible story.
                         
                          BURT
           You made love to a guy?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           One Moslem doesn't make a mosque,
           Burt.
                         
                          BURT
           You made love to a Moslem?
           38.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No, sir, it was Prince Alois of
           Lichtenstein and he made love to
           me. The fact that it took three
           bottles of poppers and a Jacuzzi
           full of Krug to loosen me up
           confirmed my heterosexuality.
                         
          Arthur notices that Jesus's head is on backwards.
                         
          Burt picks up a Bible from his desk and quotes from memory.
                         
                          BURT
           `If there is a man who lies with a
           male, they shall surely be put to
           death.'
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Crikey. Couldn't there just be some
           kind of on-the-spot fine?
                         
          Burt really hammers the table this time.
                         
                          BURT
           You will stop this talk and marry -
           my - fucking...
                         
          Jesus's head falls off. Arthur peers around. It's nowhere!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh bollocks.
                         
          Both Arthur and Burt see Jesus's head at the bottom of the
          fish tank. It floats back up to the top.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           It's a miracle! He is risen!
                         
          But SUSAN, Burt's beautiful daughter, enters with her best
          friend Erica - who Arthur met whilst at the restaurant the
          other night.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hi Susan. Erica.
                         
          Burt looks from Jesus's head to the sword, figuring it out.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Sorry to make you wait, Arthur. I
           was talking to your mother. I hear
           you have something to ask me!
                         
          Arthur feels Burt's smiling face - and hating eyes - on him.
           39.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Shall we go?
                         
                         
          INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                         
          A VERY PRECISE FRENCH WAITER performs the specials menu with
          ludicrous elan. Susan is rapt, taking it all very seriously.
                         
           WAITER (O.S.)
           ...the chef has bathed the bass in
           a parceline of Chilean fennel and
           finished him with a little gift of
           kobe beef. Also I have a
           progressive tasting of Kumamoto
           oysters en gelee which evolve on
           the palate, from light and
           refreshing to complex and spicy. A
           short story with a twist at the
           end! Le fin.
                         
          Susan chuckles approvingly, knowingly, the twit. She coos
          with delight and claps in appreciation.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Do you have something with less
           words please? The chef doesn't have
           to re-cook it, just scrape off the
           nouns and trim out all that
           gibberish in the middle.
                         
                          SUSAN
           He's just joshing, Dominic. I'll do
           the skate in wood ear mushroom.
                         
                          WAITER
           Excellent decision. Sir?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           A bowl of champagne and a spoon.
                         
          The waiter leaves, despising Arthur.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Arthur, did you really have to be
           so icky to Dominic?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm sorry. I just can't handle the
           whole specials act. It's not a
           Shakespearean soliloquy, it's some
           heated up dead things that aren't
           on the main menu.
           40.
                         
                         
          A WINE WAITER slams a bowl and spoon next to Arthur. He pours
          in champagne.
                         
                          SUSAN
           You know, I was grumbling to your
           mother about how things are with us
           sometimes. How I'm sure you're
           trying to drive me away...
                         
          Arthur slurps his champagne.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Um hm.
                         
                          SUSAN
           But she was explaining that
           relationships are like property
           purchases; invest only in high-end
           stock, avoid anyone 'up-and-
           coming', then hold onto the
           property through thick and thin to
           deliver maximum return! Isn't that
           darling?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Is it possible to buy the house but
           then rent it out? Sorry, joke. I'm
           not suggesting pimping you.
                         
          Arthur sees a very frail, rich old woman dripping in
          diamonds, passing by on her walking frame.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Look. You after our first child is
           born.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Arthur. Why can't you learn to
           laugh at genuinely amusing things?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Such as?
                         
                          SUSAN
           YouTube clips of babies giggling.
           Dane Cook.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Susan. Why are we together?
                         
                          SUSAN
           I love you, Arthur. And you love
           me, whatever you think.
           41.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           We don't have the same sense of
           humour. We don't like the same
           films, food, music. You like
           horses, I think they're arrogant
           idiots...
                         
                          SUSAN
           Don't they say opposites attract?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           That depends on the opposites.
           Racists and the Nation of Islam
           don't secretly want to 69 each
           other. Susan, you're beautiful.
           You're bright. You're fucking
           loaded. Is there really no one else
           who could make you happy?
                         
                          SUSAN
           No.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Never?
                         
                          SUSAN
           Well, I had a thing at college.
           That was serious for a while. But
           daddy...
                         
          She stops herself.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Daddy what? Prayed to Jesus for it
           not to work out, then shot the
           bloke behind a meat truck? Because
           Jesus would consider that cheating.
                         
          Susan places her hand on Arthur's.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Ask me, Arthur.
                         
          Arthur takes Susan's hand.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Susan. You're the only woman...at
           this table.
                         
          A waiter tops up Susan's wine. Arthur, now very drunk, holds
          out his champagne bowl to be refilled.
           42.
                         
                         
                          SUSAN
           You're not happy, Arthur. Nobody
           who drinks like you can be happy.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           How do you know? What if the
           drunker I get the better it is for
           me? Not everyone who drinks is a
           poet, Susan. Some of us drink
           because we're not poets.
                         
          The waiter arrives with Susan's fish and Arthur's drink.
                         
                          SUSAN
           A real woman could stop you from
           drinking.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It'd have to be a real big woman.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Ask me, Arthur.
                         
          Arthur sinks to his knees. Susan waits...and waits. Arthur
          has passed out. Susan kicks him awake. He fumbles away in the
          gloom, getting out the ring box and trying to get it on her
          finger.
                         
          At table level, Susan waits, irritated.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           All done.
                         
          Susan pulls her hand up, and gazes at the huge, glinting
          diamond - pushed onto the end of her thumb.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Susan. Would you marry me? Take the
           weekend if you want...
                         
                          SUSAN
           Yes, I'll marry you.
                         
          She nods imperceptibly at the waiter.
                         
                          WAITER
           Ladies and gentleman - the happy
           couple!
                         
          Music starts. A congratulatory round of applause. Confetti is
          thrown. The whole restaurant cheers. Susan whips out her
          Blackberry and starts hitting keys.
           43.
                         
                         
                          SUSAN
           Erica will be the planner.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Erica? She hates me.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Who I love, she loves.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh, come on. She always looks like
           she wants to set fire to my face
           then put it out with an Uzi.
                         
          Susan's phone rings.
                         
                          SUSAN
                          (ANSWERING)
           Hello...thanks, daddy! Sorry, hang
           on, I have Erica calling...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What's going on? I only just bloody
           proposed!
                         
          Arthur's phone rings. The caller I.D reads `Vivienne'. He
          kills the call and sits, horrified, as the entire restaurant
          celebrates his grim fate.
                         
          INT. PIERRE HOTEL BASEMENT GARAGE - NIGHT - LATER
                         
          In the gloom we track past the crushed Batmobile, the
          Delorean and other famous cars, to find Arthur sitting in
          KITT from `Knight Rider'.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           What have I done, Kitt? This
           mistake's up there with Hitler
           joining his school debating team...
                         
                          VOICE (FEMALE)
           Go to bed, Arthur.
                         
          Arthur jumps out of his skin. But it's Hobson, standing by
          the car holding a dressing gown and a mug of cocoa.
                         
                          HOBSON
           And stop this self-pitying bibble.
           You're going to be fabulously rich.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Maybe I'd rather be fabulously
           poor. Some poor people I see look
           happy.
           44.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           That's either because they're far
           away or you've just given them
           money. Arthur, poor people have to
           work. They stand for hours in the
           rain, waiting for buses full of
           other poor people to take them to
           things called `jobs' which they do
           all year round to pay for holidays
           away from those jobs.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Don't patronise me. I have a job.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Lying drunk on a bale of hay in
           riding boots being photographed by
           another pampered prick won't
           prepare you for the work I mean.
           And I don't want to see you suffer.
           Take your fish oil.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT, QUEENS - NIGHT
                         
          A very old Apple Mac sits on a cluttered desk.
                         
          Ralph is in his chair, eating Popeye's Chicken n' Biscuits,
          watching CSI on an old TV with a tiny satellite dish on top.
                         
                          RALPH
           When are we getting cable?
                         
           NAOMI (O.S.)
           We have satellite.
                         
                          RALPH
           Honey, that's some bullshit aerial
           from the 99 cent Store!
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's a satellite dish!
                         
                          RALPH
           I read the box! It said `No
           satellite fees to pay because does
           not receive satellite signals!'
           That's like saying `Hey - eat this
           plate of broken glass! It won't
           make you fat. 'cause IT'S GLASS!'
                         
          Naomi comes in, looking absolutely beautiful. She checks her
          hair in the mirror.
           45.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's better than nothing.
                         
          Ralph unplugs the dish. The picture improves.
                         
                          RALPH
           No it ain't. Honey, I love you, but
           you're even cheaper than your mom.
           And she bought food from yard
           sales.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I miss her too, daddy. But now
           she's gone and if I'm going to keep
           you in grits and Oprah the rest of
           your life, you live by my rules.
                         
                          RALPH
           But you live like you're preparing
           for a war. And you earn a decent
           salary.
                         
                          NAOMI
           So? I want to know I can look after
           you.
                         
                          RALPH
           What's he do, this English bum?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Who cares? He's nice. He's funny.
                         
          On CSI, a female body is being unearthed.
                         
                          RALPH
           Yeah and I bet that girl said the
           same about her date. Honey, stay
           home. I don't want you ending up
           like that poor girl.
                         
                          NAOMI
           A bad actress holding her breath?
                         
          She changes the channel to something else.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Stop watching CSI.
                         
          A beep from outside. She kisses him and leaves.
                         
                         
          EXT. PARK - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur's Bentley pulls up at a quiet part of Battery Park.
           46.
                         
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Sorry we drove around so long.
           Navigation isn't my driver's strong
           point.
                         
          There's a huge ding in one side of the car.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Or road awareness.
                         
                         
          INT. BENTLEY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur and Naomi sit in the back of the car, while Marty
          checks sports results on his pager.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Can you put this on please?
                         
          Arthur's holding a blindfold.
                         
                          NAOMI
           On a first date? Are you crazy?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Trust me.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur. We're in Battery Park at
           night. I've met you once - in the
           company of your nanny. You make a
           disturbing number of jokes about
           stalking and basements. My dad
           already has you down as a mass
           murderer. And you want me to put on
           a blindfold?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I give you my word - if I kill and
           eat you, you'll never see me again.
                         
          She shrugs and puts on the blindfold.
                         
                         
          EXT. NIGHT - LATER
                         
          Arthur guides Naomi in the dark. She stumbles.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Okay, I'm officially a little
           worried.
                         
          She tries to pull her blindfold off.
           47.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (LAUGHING)
           Don't worry!
                         
          Arthur removes her blindfold. She's stunned to find herself
          on a huge blanket under a tree in a clearing lit by numerous
          candles. Before them is spread the most amazing picnic of all
          time. Flowers are everywhere. A log fire burns in a grate.
          Soft music plays.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           You said you wanted a picnic.
                         
          He pours them glasses of 1928 Krug.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur, I don't know what to say.
           It's beautiful.
                          (LOOKING AROUND)
           Who did all this?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The picnic fairies. Who liaised
           with the flower fairies, the candle
           fairies, the log fire fairies, the
           hidden sound system fairies...
                         
          He lifts a silver platter lid to reveal a vast pizza.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           ...and the pizza fairies.
                         
          A crack of a twig from somewhere.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Did you take account of the heroin
           fairies who hang here at night?
                         
          But there's nobody there. A cool breeze blows. Naomi shivers.
          Arthur uses a remote to turn the log fire flames up.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's nice to keep it simple like
           this. I'm sick of Michelin-star
           restaurants. All that embarrassing
           crap with the specials.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you kidding? Where I normally
           eat, the special's the one that
           comes with a free toy.
                         
          Arthur lifts a grill lid to turn over succulent steaks.
           48.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           You're rich rich, aren't you?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I get by.
                         
                          NAOMI
           `It doesn't remotely matter how
           much or what you spend it on' rich?
                         
          Arthur shrugs and swigs champagne, pouring more.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Craziest thing you ever bought?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I once inadvertently financed a
           terrorist cell who said they needed
           £100,000 to open a falafel stall.
                         
          She laughs. She stops laughing.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Oh my G-d, you're serious.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What's the craziest thing you ever
           told a tour party?
                         
                          NAOMI
           I once said the Manhattan we were
           in was actually a movie set built
           for `You've got Mail', but that
           after the film wrapped, everyone
           moved to the set because there was
           less crime.
                         
          A sudden, very loud, very out-of-date ring tone. Naomi takes
          out a huge ancient Motorola phone.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Yes, dad? There's a small Tiffany
           butter knife about two inches from
           his hand but it might take him
           eight months to dismember me with
           it.
                          (PHONE BLEEPS)
           Gotta go, battery. Love you too.
                         
          She ends the call.
           49.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Mom died last year. For eight
           months dad ate nothing but Popeye's
           Chicken n' Biscuits in front of
           CSI. So I persuaded him to move in
           with me. Where he eats Popeye's
           Chicken n' Biscuits in front of
           CSI.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sounds like you're very good to
           him.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What are you gonna do? All those
           years your folks tucked you in, did
           their best to stop you from eating
           crap in front of the TV. And then
           one day, you're the one saying `No,
           honey, it's bad for you! Go to
           bed.' Weird, huh?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (not relating at all)
           Yeah. I hate that.
           (looks at her phone)
           Nice bit of kitsch. Where did you
           find that?
                         
                          NAOMI
           AT&T store in 1998.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's...You've had it twelve years?
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's a fine phone. Battery life of
           eleven seconds, which cuts the crap
           right out of conversations.
                         
          Something weird is happening. The world wobbles imperceptibly
          as the background drops away. She hasn't noticed yet.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           I can't believe these mofos who
           gotta keep up with the latest
           bullshit. CDs come along, so out
           with the vinyl. Vinyl's back in,
           out with the CDs. I just kept the
           vinyl. Way cheaper, and I get to be
           incredibly hip once every 20
           years....
                         
          A beat. She looks around. And down.
           50.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
                         
          Cutting wide, we see that the picnic was taking place on a
          grass covered platform with a tree planted in it - which is
          being lifted off the ground by a crane!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I couldn't decide between picnic in
           the park and dinner with a view. So
           it's a picnic in the sky! Isn't it
           ace?
                         
          The whole thing is rising higher and higher and higher.
                         
                          NAOMI
           No it is not ace, you crazy English
           bastard! This is dangerous!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Oh, sorry. Forgot. They said to put
           these on.
                         
          He pulls back the blanket to reveal seat belts. He straps her
          in.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                          (LAUGHING)
           Naomi, it's okay! It's very safe.
           It's this company called `Aerial
           Delights'. They specialise in
           catering unusual events at a height
           of 180 feet above the ground.
                         
          A gust of wind blows the structure, which swings. Naomi
          screams.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           So what got you into the walking
           tours?
                         
                          NAOMI
           You're seriously making date small
           talk while this is going on?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Be still. Breathe deep.
           (strikes a Zen pose)
           `When you can be calm in the midst
           of activity, this is the true state
           of nature': Huanchu Daoeren.
           51.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           `Lower this freak show to the
           ground and get me a cab': Naomi
           Snart.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (handing her something)
           Taste this truffle.
                         
          Naomi tastes it. It's clearly delicious. She gazes around as
          the crane swings them out over the Hudson. The view of
          Manhattan, of the river, of the Statue of Liberty, is mind
          bogglingly gorgeous from up here.
                         
          Naomi bursts out laughing. She sips champagne.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What the hell. Gotta go sometime,
           right? At least it won't be years
           of pain like mom. Just a few
           seconds of screaming and falling
           with a truffle in my mouth.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           So anyway. The tours...
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (CALMING HERSELF)
           Okay, okay. Be deep. Breathe still.
           The tours are a temporary nine year
           fill-in until I'm drowned in a
           tsunami of apologies from everyone
           who failed to recognise my writing
           genius first time round.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What did you write?
                         
                          NAOMI
           A kids' book. I sent a chapter to a
           childrens' publisher. Sunshine
           Press'. The rejection letter was
           the meanest thing I ever read.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Kids can be so cruel...
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (INTERRUPTING)
           Arthur? We have a problem.
           52.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I told you, don't worry. These
           crane people know what they're
           doing!
                         
                          NAOMI
           Not that kind of problem.
                         
          Arthur feels a blade at his throat. He looks up to see A
          JUNKIE, CLEARLY HIGH, standing over him.
                         
                          JUNKIE
           Phone. And the watch. Hurry.
                         
          Arthur hands him his phone and watch.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Um. Out of interest, how did you
           get up here?
                         
                          JUNKIE
           What you talkin' about, dog?
                         
          We see a sleeping bag and needles behind the tree!
                         
                          NAOMI
           Great. `Picnic in the sky' followed
           by `Robbed in the sky'!
                         
          Arthur get the giggles as the junkie reaches into his pocket
          for his wallet. Naomi gets involuntary giggles too.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           This isn't funny, you lunatic.
                         
          The junkie stuffs his face with food, swigs champagne from
          the bottle, then walks away. Phew. Then...
                         
           ARTHUR AND NAOMI
           NOOOO!
                         
          The junkie's walking towards the edge, oblivious! Arthur
          jumps up, causing the platform to wobble scarily. He grabs
          the junkie's arm. The junkie swipes, cutting Arthur's hand.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           OWWW! You don't understand! We're
           180 feet up in the sky!
                         
                          JUNKIE
                          (LAUGHS)
           You on the same shit as me, yeah?
           Good stuff, right?
           53.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No, we're not high! Well we are,
           but only in the literal sense.
                         
          The junkie hurries away again. He's about to walk off the
          edge. Arthur runs and grabs him. They end up in a messy
          struggle, the platform rocking badly.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                          (TO NAOMI)
           Hit the panic button! It's next to
           the truffle station!
                         
          Naomi's panicking, searching desperately. Arthur and the
          junkie roll over the posh food, right to the edge!
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hurry!
                         
                          NAOMI
           I can't find it. Over here?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No! That's the bouquet of world
           hams!
                         
          Naomi finds the truffle station and hits the panic button.
          Down in a Crane Cab an alarm goes off. The driver starts to
          lower the platform.
                         
          Naomi tries to help Arthur as he struggles with the junkie,
          but she gets slashed on the ear. She screams.
                         
          As the platform lowers, it swings back over the river to the
          land and tips them all into the river!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S CAR - NIGHT
                         
          Naomi and Arthur - his face bruised - are sitting in the car,
          both dripping wet. Naomi's ear and Arthur's hand are
          bandaged.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I had fun tonight.
                         
          She stares at him as if he's utterly crazy.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I can't believe I'm saying this,
           but so did I.
           54.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM DAY
                         
          The room has started to fill with groom's paraphernalia -
          morning suits, top hats, shoes. Erica is sitting with a huge
          sheaf of wedding admin and brochures. Vivienne, Burt and
          Susan listen attentively, studying seating plans. It all
          feels more like a council of war than a wedding preparation.
                         
                          ERICA
           Summarising Phase Alpha: formal
           wear for bridal attendants, groom's
           attendants, mens' formal wear, St
           John the Divine all confirmed...
                         
          ARTHUR'S lying on a chaise longue, hungover. A TAILOR
          stretches a tape measure along him as if measuring a corpse.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (TO TAILOR)
           Are there breathing holes in the
           coffin?
                         
                          TAILOR
           I'm sorry?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           In case I'm passed out drunk rather
           than medically dead?
                         
                          ERICA
           Don't worry, Thomas. This whole
           thing's just a joke to Arthur.
                         
          Hobson brings Arthur a glass of water and two Nurofen.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (VERY AFFECTIONATE)
           Thanks, Hobnobs. You are good to
           me.
                         
          Vivienne, irritated, hands Hobson a coffee cup.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Take this away.
                          (TO ERICA)
           Progress on the reception?
                         
                          ERICA
           Black inked at the Emery Roth Room
           at the Ritz-Carlton.
                         
          The screen lights up with a church graphic.
           55.
                         
                         
                          ERICA (CONT'D)
           A first pass at the guest list.
           Bride's family and friends:
                         
          A 3-d layout of the church appears on a laptop. In the mock
          up, the bride's side of the aisle fills with hundreds of
          computerised guests, many labelled with famous names.
                         
                          ERICA (CONT'D)
           Groom's family and friends:
                         
          About a fifth of that number pop up on Arthur's side.
                         
                          ERICA (CONT'D)
           We can arrange to screen off the
           area behind your guests, Arthur. To
           make it seem less desperate.
                         
          Arthur groans and leans over a bowl.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, everyone. that graphic's too
           colourful and this hangover's a 7.6
           on the Richter..the Sickter...
                         
          Arthur's sick. Erica lays out more sheets.
                         
                          ERICA
           Cakes, caterers, floral
           arrangements, photographer...
                         
          Hobson reappears, wipes his mouth and takes the bowl. She
          stands with it accidentally-on-purpose, very close to
          Vivienne's nose.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Will there be anything else, sir?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No, thanks.
                         
                          HOBSON
                          (TO VIVIENNE)
           Ma'am?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           No. You can leave.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Why all this crap now? What's the
           rush anyway?
                         
                          BURT
           The wedding is in a month, Arthur.
           56.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           A month? I was thinking more sort
           of ten, fifteen years. Just to
           really enjoy the anticipation of
           the big day.
                         
          Arthur gets up.
                         
                          ERICA
           Where are you going?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (gets out his cellphone)
           Sorry, Dwight D. Bridalshower,
           Operation Ball and Chain will have
           to wait.
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                         
          Arthur is walking Naomi along the Hudson, this time in
          daylight. He stops.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Here we are.
                         
                          NAOMI
           We're not going to end up in the
           Hudson again, are we?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I can promise you won't get wet.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT
                         
          The Hudson is bare of craft....until, suddenly, a bizarre
          mini submarine shaped like a dolphin, dives out of the water
          in an arc. Arthur and Naomi are laughing inside it - until
          they almost collide with a Circle Tour boat full of tourists.
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur and Naomi are hand in hand, walking along the street.
          He's a bit drunk, wobbly on his feet, a little morose.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you okay?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Yeah, fine. Actually...
           57.
                         
                         
          But Naomi sees something on the other side of the road.
                         
          Arthur gets a a text from Hobson: `TELL her!'
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hey, Richey Rich. Want to go
           somewhere really romantic?
                         
          It's a big tacky shop: JACK'S 99 CENT STORE.
                         
                         
          INT. 99 CENT STORE - NIGHT
                         
          `I'M TOO SEXY' BY RIGHT SAID FRED PLAYING LOUDLY ON SPEAKERS.
                         
          The space is huge, garish and piled high with countless cheap
          household cleaners, candies, foodstuffs and toys. Arthur's
          fascinated, a tourist in austerity.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Everything is 99 cents?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Yip. A whole penny less than those
           bourgeois assholes at the Dollar
           Store.
                         
          Arthur reads a doll's label.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           `Warning: This product contains
           chromium, which may be linked to
           chronic bronchitis and reproductive
           hazards."
                         
                          NAOMI
           That one was on the news. Everyone
           else recalled them, the pussies.
           Not my 99 Cent!
                         
          Arthur turns the doll over: a sticker reads `China'.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Maybe China's trying to wipe out
           the west's children one by one.
                         
          He gazes around in wonder.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Oh, I love this place.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Why?
           58.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           Well, I'd like you to believe it's
           because I'm a poor girl reduced to
           buying `Depressed Chef' burgers-in-
           a-can to Right Said Fred because I
           don't know where my next paycheck
           is coming from. But the truth is -
           bargains get me hot. Got it from
           ma. Drives my dad crazy. The tour?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Yes please.
                         
          She takes his arm.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Looking west, the ladies' hygiene
           products. Note that the more
           natural-sounding the name, e.g.
           this 'Vermont Breeze' Feminine
           Spray, the more lethal chemicals it
           contains. Watch out for the
           products cunningly labelled to make
           the dumber consumer think they're
           getting the real thing: 'Special
           J', 'Crampbell's Soup', ''Aunt
           Janina's' Maple-Style Syrup...
                         
          Arthur holds a tin with a Coffee Mate-style logo, reading
          `Friend of Coffee'.
                         
          The store music changes to RICKY MARTIN: `LIVIN' LA VIDA
                         LOCA'
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           And ah, the music: Dated sounds for
           lonely people to buy cheap shit to.
                         
          They pass AN OLD WOMAN who is going through a stack of
          identical tins of cheap beans.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           I once watched a woman shoplift an
           8-pack of toilet scrubbers down her
           panty hose to 'Everything I do, I
           do it for you'.
                         
          Arthur just stares at Naomi.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Why are you staring at me?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Just fascinated.
           59.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           You're good at fascinated.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You're good at fascinating.
                         
          A CRASH. The old woman has knocked over all the beans.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Are you okay? Let me help you.
                         
          He hands her a tin.
                         
                          OLD WOMAN
           Not that one.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (offers her another)
           This one?
                         
                          OLD WOMAN
           (shaking the tin)
           No. There's less beans in it.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           This one?
                         
                          OLD WOMAN
           (sniffs the tin)
           No.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           This one?
                         
          She stares and thinks. Arthur puts the tin to his ear.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           No. I think I hear a mouse inside.
                         
          Arthur shakes and sniffs another tin.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Oh my G-d. This is a good one. No
           rodents. Packed.
                         
          He slips her a dollar and whispers to her.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Quick, before someone gets it.
                         
          Naomi gazes at a different Arthur to the fool who nearly got
          her killed.
           60.
                         
                         
                          OLD WOMAN
                          (TO NAOMI)
           You got a good one here, honey.
                         
          She hurries away.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Look. Us in a year's time.
                         
          ANOTHER OLD COUPLE push a cart past. THE OLD WOMAN sneezes.
          The old man produces a tissue and gently wipes her nose.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           If you got ill, I'd care for you.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I'll get ill.
                         
          The music changes.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Oh, man, Phil Collins. Gotta get
           out when they start playing Phil
           Collins. Want to see how to get a
           quarter from a shopping cart?
                         
                         
          INT. HIGH END RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur, Susan and Erica - her laptop open - are at dinner.
          Hobson's salting Arthur's soup, then checking the
          temperature.
                         
                          ERICA
           Tiger Woods has confirmed!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I didn't know you knew him.
                         
                          SUSAN
           I don't.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Why is he coming?
                         
                          SUSAN
           He agreed to daddy's fee. This is
           going to be the happiest day of my
           life!
                         
          She looks at Hobson.
                         
                          SUSAN (CONT'D)
           Why is she here all the time?
           61.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           If you can bring Erica, I can bring
           Hobson.
                         
                          SUSAN
           She's my wedding planner.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           She's my Hobson.
                         
          Hobson leans into Arthur while tidying his napkin.
                         
                          HOBSON
                          (WHISPERING)
           Tell Naomi. That's an order.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                         
          Arthur's giving stunned Naomi a tour of the huge apartment.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Reminiscent of a French castle
           perched 500 feet above New York,
           the penthouse was known from early
           days as the `Chateau in the Sky'.
                         
          He leads her out onto a second rooftop ballroom.
                         
                          NAOMI
           A second ballroom. Obviously. Gotta
           have a second ballroom.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Where George Gershwin and the
           Astors danced to Shep Fields and
           his Rippling Rhythm Orchestra.
                         
          He grabs her in a ballroom dance move.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Come on, cheap girl. We can be Fred
           Austere and Stingy Rogers.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (PULLING AWAY)
           I just need one of your collection
           of bathrooms.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Behind the telephone box fish tank.
           See you on the balcony.
           62.
                         
                         
          Arthur goes onto the balcony. Naomi's notices a figure
          sitting in the dark, stifling a cough. Hobson.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hobson?
                         
                          HOBSON
           He's not like other men, you know.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I think I realised that as I
           plunged into the Hudson with a
           junkie. But I like him. He's fun.
                         
          Hobson fights another little cough. She gets up.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I know he is. That's the problem.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What does that mean?
                         
                          HOBSON
           I'm sure Arthur will explain.
                         
                         
          EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT
                         
          The live version of Simon and Garfunkel's `The 59th Street
          Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy') is playing on speakers. Arthur
          and Naomi look out over the view, the park, dark and empty in
          contrast to the cheering and clapping on the recording.
                         
          Naomi sips her wine. Arthur throws back a whisky.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Your kids' book. What was it about?
                         
                          NAOMI
           `Vlad the Inhaler'. About an
           asthmatic boy detective.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Be serious.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Oh, it was dumb. `The Boy Whose
           Heart Escaped'. It was about this
           kid who wakes up to find his heart
           has climbed out and is shinning
           down the drainpipe to freedom.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I love it.
           63.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           Rainbow Press said it was too
           disturbing. But it wasn't literal -
           there wasn't a kid lying there with
           a gaping hole in his chest. It was
           just this cute little heart
           bouncing up and down shouting `You
           can't catch me, mofo!'. I'm
           paraphrasing.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Did he catch the heart?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Never got that far.
                         
          Arthur wobbles a little more.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           You like the hooch, don't you?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Only if I'm sad, happy or bored.
           There's this bit in a book Hobson
           used to read me as a kid that says
           it all: `We must stop eating
           cookies, Frog!' cried Toad, as he
           ate another.'
                         
                          NAOMI
           Frog and Toad! I loved Frog and
           Toad!
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (FROM MEMORY)
           `Frog put the cookies in a box.
           `There' he said. Now we will not
           eat any more cookies.' `But we can
           open the box.' Frog tied some
           string around the box. `There' he
           said, `Now we will not eat any more
           cookies'. `But we can cut the
           string and open the box'.
                         
          Naomi lays her head on Arthur's shoulder.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           So Frog took the box outside. He
           shouted in a loud voice, `Hey
           birds, here are cookies!' Birds
           came from everywhere. They picked
           up all the cookies in their beaks
           and flew away. `
                          (MORE)
           64.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Now we have no more cookies to eat'
           `Excellent!' said Toad, `I am going
           home now to bake a cake.'
                          (BEAT)
           Classic addict.
                         
          They might be about to kiss. But Arthur holds back.
                         
                          NAOMI
           That was beautiful. It's like you
           read it yesterday.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - LATER
                         
          Arthur's blissed out face, lying in bed in the soft light.
                         
                          HOBSON (OOV)
           Frog and Toad stayed on the island
           all afternoon.
                         
          Hobson's reading `Frog and Toad' to Arthur.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           They ate wet sandwiches without
           iced tea. They were two close
           friends sitting alone together.
                         
          Hobson closes the book and turns out the light.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I couldn't tell her, Hobson. She
           isn't the Komodo dragon. She's my
           toad.
                         
                          HOBSON
           You're quite sure about this?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Yes.
                         
                          HOBSON
           (under her breath)
           Oh, bollocks.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY
                         
          Naomi's sitting with Ralph, who's scratching off lottery
          tickets.
           65.
                         
                         
                          RALPH
           I don't know, honey. What's this
           teabag even doing here? Couldn't he
           make it in Lord of the Rings land?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Not that it matters, but he's a
           billionaire.
                         
                          RALPH
           You have my full permission to
           marry him.
                         
                         
          EXT. SHOWJUMPING FIELD. DAY
                         
          A HORSE clears a showjumping barrier. Grant applauds.
                         
                          GRANT
           Bravo, Vivienne! Well done!
                         
          Arthur's watching, sweating in the sunshine, while Marty and
          Hobson wait in the Bentley.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'd be wary, Grant. She's planning
           to ride you around the course next.
           Her last boyfriend broke his ankle
           jumping that ditch. Had to be
           destroyed on the spot.
                         
          Vivienne canters her horse up to them.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur. What's so urgent that you
           had to come all the way out here?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm in love. With a woman who isn't
           exactly who you'd describe as
           Susan. She's called Naomi.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur, we've been through this!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Won't you at least meet her?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           What family is she from?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The Snarts of Detroit.
           66.
                         
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Never heard of them.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No, because they're normal. She's a
           walking tour guide, her dad's a
           retired car worker.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Susan will generate quality sons,
           not oil-soaked car monkeys.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Unbelievable! Why don't you just
           keep me here, pay a servant to wank
           me into a bottle once a day...
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           ...then inject it all into a field
           of heiresses and see who farts out
           a thoroughbred first?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           We need an heir!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Fine! You can have one with Stevey
           Steroids here! Surely even your
           uterus has had a face lift by now.
                         
          Arthur storms away towards the car.
                         
                          GRANT
                          (STEPPING IN)
           That's enough, Arthur...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           None of your business, J Crew.
                         
                          GRANT
           You are so ungrateful to your
           mother. She adores you!
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur. Come back here.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You can shove your inheritance up
           your horse's arse!
           67.
                         
                         
          Arthur jumps into the car and it pulls away. Vivienne sits
          shocked on her horse. But then she throws it into a gallop
          and catches up.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Suit yourself, Arthur. Follow your
           heart. But do be aware I consider
           what you've squandered so far an
           advance on your inheritance. That's
           about $17 million.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Why would you do that? You'd never
           get it back.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           No. But you'd spend the rest of
           your life in court. There's a
           simple solution to all this. Marry
           Susan. And cheat with the nobody
           from Queens.
                         
                         
          INT. DINER - DAY
                         
          Arthur's very drunk, maudlin, sitting opposite Naomi. He's
          holding his menu upside down.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Have you been at the cookies?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I ate the whole jar.
                         
                          NAOMI
           (realising it's serious)
           Oh, man. What? What?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm engaged. To another Susan.
           Woman. Engaged to another woman.
                         
          She slams her menu down.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What are you talking about? This is
           bullshit. Who do you think you are?
           Is this some rich guy thing?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I was going to tell you! I just...
           68.
                         
                         
          Naomi gets up and puts on her coat.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Yeah, yeah, you just.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Please, Naomi! I didn't mean for it
           to get to this! I planned to just
           be your friend but then I started
           to fall for you and I thought `I
           can't marry Susan, I might fall for
           Naomi!' But I thought `No I have to
           marry Susan or I'll be poor so I
           won't fall for Naomi' But then I
           did fall for you! Because you're
           brainy and funny and gorgeous and
           too smart to do walking tours.
           You're too smart, Snart. Smart
           Snart. There's a 99 cent cereal.
                          (BEAT)
           Anyway, so I went to see Vivienne,
           and I said `I can't marry Susan, I
           love Naomi she's my Frog my Toad' I
           don't know any more.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You're frog.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Thanks. Then she said `Noooo, if
           you don't marry Susan, I'll make
           you pay all the inheritance money
           back even if you can't - ha ha ha'.
           Okay she didn't laugh but she might
           as well have, the evil cow. Because
           it's like all the money ever and
           they'll put not just me but both of
           us in prison and your dad, like in
           Dickens. There'll be ghosts, and
           Oliver and....
                         
          He stops, his mouth flapping like a fish.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Maybe if I'd spotted this facet of
           your personality earlier we
           wouldn't be having this
           conversation.
                         
          She heads towards the door. Arthur regains his lucidity for a
          moment.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Toad? Stay a bit longer. Please?
           69.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           Why?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           'cause it'll reduce the proportion
           of my life I'll spend feeling
           utterly miserable.
                         
          Naomi watches him take another big slug of wine.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Bye, Arthur.
                         
          Arthur looks confused.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Bea Arthur? What's she got to do
           with all this?
                         
          She shakes her head and goes.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                         
          Naomi's looking very sad, shaking - because she's comforting
          Ralph, who is sobbing on her shoulder.
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's going to be okay. I'll get you
           a beer, yeah?
                         
                          RALPH
           I just have to be alone for a
           minute...Oh, G-d, I can't bear
           it...
                         
                         
          INT. DANE COOK CONCERT - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur sits miserable, drinking, as he sits beside Susan at a
          Dane Cook gig.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                         
          Naomi's been crying. She's reading the screen of an ancient
          Apple Mac: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' by N J Snart. She
          reads a paragraph - and smiles. This stuff isn't so bad.
           70.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM - NIGHT.
                         
          Arthur and Susan are getting a dance lesson from a
          CHOREOGRAPHER, clicking her fingers to a club anthem version
          of the awful Jefferson Starship song. Arthur dances terribly.
                         
          Hobson watches sadly.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                         
          Naomi's typing, getting back into it.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
                         
          The tailor is positioning a top hat on Arthur's miserable
          head. He's shirtless and unshaven.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY
                         
          The sun is coming up over Queens.
                         
          An ancient dot matrix printer spits out a final page. Naomi
          is at a desk with A PILE OF FINISHED MANUSCRIPTS and
          envelopes to various publishers. One is to `Rainbow Press'.
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                         
          Naomi's pointing at the Chrysler Building for a particularly
          grumpy bunch of tourists of all types and ages.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (YAWNS)
           Designed by William Van Allen and
           inspired by the machine age of the
           1920s, the Chrysler...
                         
           RUDE MALE TOURIST
           Hey. I got a question.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Please, interrupt. Hell, who wants
           to come home with me and butt in
           with questions while I'm watching
           Letterman? `Yo. How tall is Dave?'
                          (BEAT)
           Sorry, sir. Late night, no sleep,
           long day. What's your question?
           71.
                         
                         
          The opening bars of a familiar song start up somewhere,
          filling the street. Suddenly, some of the members of her tour
          group start lip syncing to Phil Collins.
                         
           RUDE MALE TOURIST
           How can I just let you walk away,
           just let you leave without a trace?
                         
                          FEMALE TOURIST
           When I stand here taking every
           breath with you, ooh...
                         
                          MALE TOURIST 2
           You're the only one who really knew
           me at all.
                         
          A van with speakers on the top is parked nearby, pumping out
          the music.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What is going on?
                         
           OLD FEMALE TOURIST
           How can you just walk away from me,
           when all I can do is watch you
           leave?
                         
           TEENAGE BOY TOURIST
           'cause we've shared the laughter
           and the pain...
                         
                          NEWSSTAND GUY
           And even shared the tears.
                         
          A Yellow Cab goes by, the driver lip-syncing out the window.
                         
           NEWSSTAND GUY (CONT'D)
           You're the only one who really knew
           me at all.
                         
          The song hits a hard club mix. Arthur bursts from the back of
          the van in a frog outfit! The `tourists' launch into a well-
          rehearsed dance.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (lip syncing too)
           So take a look at me now, 'cause
           there's just an empty space.
           And there's nothing left here to
           remind me, just the memory of your
           face.
                          (MORE)
           72.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Take a look at me now, `cause
           there's just an empty space, And
           you coming back to me is against
           all odds and that's what I've got
           to face...Just take a look at me
           now.
                         
          The song builds to a dance crescendo.
                         
          A magical moment. The crowd watches. How can she say no?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sorry to be a wet blanket, folks.
           he's getting married. But I guess
           he didn't choreograph that bit for
           you.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But..but this took ages to
           rehearse. I had the frog outfit
           specially made. These aren't actual
           tourists.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I gathered that, Arthur. Are you
           capable of doing anything without
           it being a grand gesture?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What do you mean?
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's like Hobson said. You're not
           like other men. If you were normal,
           if the money and the booze didn't
           cloud everything, you'd deal with
           the fact that you're engaged,
           rather than just looking for ways
           to win me back. But it was a lovely
           routine, really. Fantastic outfit.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I just wanted to see you.
                         
          He takes out his flask and has a swig.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (SYMPATHETIC)
           You need to see someone, Arthur.
           Seriously.
           73.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE. SHOWER - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur's in his cuboid David Blaine shower. He picks up his
          binoculars.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson! Female Tom Hanks has had a
           haircut! Hobson?
                         
          But Marty pipes up on the little inset Hobson screen. He
          looks at a note in Hobson's handwriting.
                         
                          MARTY
           It says here you shouldn't forget
           to clean your junk. I guess that's
           what...'genitahlio-ah' is.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Marty? What are you doing there?
                         
                          MARTY
           Hobson left me in charge. She's
           gone to bed. She had a headache.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           She's had quite a few headaches
           lately.
                         
                          MARTY
           She blacked out.
                         
                         
          INT. HOBSON'S ROOM. DAY
                         
          Hobson's in bed, watching a Discovery Channel documentary
          about grizzly bears. Arthur hits pause.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Put my bears back on, Arthur.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Not until you answer my question.
                         
          Hobson closes her eyes. She hams the next bit.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I'm travelling down a white tunnel.
           To - a garden? Mother? Father? Why
           is it so hot? Who's the red
           gentleman with the big pitchfork?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Will you cut it out?
           74.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur. There are three books. This
           is important. Take them back to the
           library...
                         
          She feigns a melodramatic death.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson, please. Don't die any more.
           It's getting very boring.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur. Old women, like bears, get
           sore heads. Are you okay? You look
           a little lost.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi doesn't want to see me.
                         
                          HOBSON
           A terrible shame she had to go. A
           little tart like that could have
           saved you a fortune in prostitutes.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Listen, old woman. Don't ever talk
           about Naomi that way again. What
           gives you the right to be such a
           snob? You're just...you're just...
           Mary Poppins with a menopause!
                         
          Arthur storms out, slamming the door. But within 10 seconds
          he returns, humbled, ashamed - a regretful naughty child.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hobson, I've never raised my voice
           to you. I'm sorry.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I'm sorry too. You know, Arthur,
           you may be growing up.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Do you want anything?
                         
                          HOBSON
           I want to be younger.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, it's your job to be older.
                          (THINKS)
           Hobson. If you're feeling better
           tomorrow, will you accompany me
           somewhere?
           75.
                         
                         
          She pats his hand gently.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Of course, Arthur.
                         
                         
          INT. CAR - DAY
                         
          Marty and Hobson are staring, bemused.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           How do I look?
                         
          Arthur's wearing a huge, ludicrous wig and beard. Hobson and
          Marty fight giggles.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I can't have this getting out. I'm
           in the public eye.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Yes, it would be disastrous to harm
           such a dignified profile.
                         
          He looks, scared, at the building.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           It's going to be okay, Arthur.
                         
                         
          INT. AA MEETING - DAY
                         
          AA MEMBERS are sitting in a circle. MEGAN, a respectable-
          looking, smart woman, is speaking.
                         
                          MEGAN
           I was waking up four, five, six
           mornings a week in different mens'
           beds...
                         
          Arthur (in his ludicrous disguise), Hobson and Marty enter.
                         
                          MEGAN (CONT'D)
           I wanted to die. To be nobody.
                         
                         
          INT. AA MEETING - DAY - LATER
                         
          A man, JAMES, speaks emotionally.
                         
                          JAMES
           I steal from my friends, my family.
           I sold my son's pedal car so I
           could score junk...
           76.
                         
                         
          Arthur - utterly depressed - has his head in his hands.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Jesus....
                         
                          JAMES
           I accidentally backed my car over
           my mother outside Walgreens...
                         
          Marty chuckles. He tries to fist-bump James.
                         
                          HOBSON
                          (WHISPERS)
           Marty! This isn't a sports bar in
           Chicago. These people aren't here
           to brag.
                         
                          JAMES
                          (SOBBING)
           I had a business, a home and it's
           all gone! I'm in this fucking grave
           and they're pouring the earth in!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Whoooaaahh. Okay, cut. I don't know
           about anyone else, but this isn't
           exactly killing my thirst.
                         
                          LEADER
           Well why did you come...What's your
           name?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Gandalf.
                         
          Arthur thinks. Seriousness - his least favourite thing - is
          upon him. He takes a deep breath. But -
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I'm sorry, you're not going to
           convince me my life isn't fun.
                          (TO JAMES)
           And no offence but if I ran over my
           mother, I'd be out celebrating.
           Which is what I plan to do right
           now. Come on, Hobson. Marty.
                         
          Arthur leaves, the door swinging behind him.
                         
           WOMAN (O.S)
           I'm Jane. And I believe I have a
           dependence on alcohol...
                         
          The woman confessing is Hobson - on Arthur's behalf!
           77.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           ...and because I have done nothing
           with the astonishing opportunities
           handed to me, apart from pissing
           away my inheritance and drinking
           enough to kill a rhino.
                         
          Arthur, having heard, comes back in.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           But imagine being me! I once ended
           up in bed with the daughters of
           three of the Rolling Stones. But a)
           I don't remember a thing about it,
           b) apparently I was sick on two of
           the women before c) losing control
           of my bladder on the third. All
           such fun...until the strangers I
           pay to be my friends have gone, the
           fog parts and there's a hole so
           big, you could pour all the
           champagne in the world into it and
           never fill it up. But I've got so
           much potential, a good heart, I'm a
           good person, even if I've
           completely wasted my short,
           precious life because I somehow
           convinced myself that happiness is
           a Komodo dragon, a case of booze
           and the memory of having once
           stripped naked to Beethoven for a
           coachload of German tourists who I
           met outside the Rainforest Cafe.
                         
          She's done. An awkward silence.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's always the quiet ones.
                         
                         
          EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - DAY
                         
          The car drives through Manhattan.
                         
                         
          INT. CAR - DAY
                         
          Arthur stares out of the window, beaten, drunk.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Thanks, Hobson. Maybe you can go
           every time I crave a drink?
           78.
                         
                         
          Hobson doesn't even crack a smile. Arthur gets out his phone
          and scrolls - past Naomi's name, to Susan's. He dials.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Susan? Look, I know the wedding
           date is set. But fancy bringing it
           forward? I just want to get it over
           with. In a good way. Think about
           it, yeah?
                         
          He ends the call. Silence. He looks to Hobson.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           It's the agony of possibility,
           Hobson. It just hurts too much to
           know I could still be with Naomi if
           I had the guts.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Just promise you'll never ask me to
           sleep with Susan for you.
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                         
          Naomi's riding the bus. Her phone rings. `Number withheld'.
          She rolls her eyes and answers.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur, if that's...
                          (BEAT)
           Hello? Yes. Yes, I did...Yes.
           Sorry? Really? Well I worked pretty
           hard on it..Love to...Love
           to...What time?
                         
          Incredibly excited, she grabs a pen and writes on a walking
          tours brochure: `JULIAN BARBER...RAINBOW PRESS...'
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           I'll call in dead to work. Bye.
                         
          She writes `TUESDAY 11.30' and an address.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY
                         
          There's a ring at the doorbell. Ralph answers. It's Hobson.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Good afternoon, Mr Snart. Is Naomi
           here?
           79.
                         
                         
                          RALPH
           You must be the nanny.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I must be.
                         
          Ralph embraces her.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           Please stop this, I can't inhale
           and am in danger of treading on one
           of your knuckles.
                         
          Ralph releases her.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           If you and your undershirt would
           walk two paces back I could enter
           this dwelling.
                         
          Naomi appears, looking more of a writer than a tour guide.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Well, well.
                         
                          RALPH
           Ever since I met Arthur I liked
           him. We have to make sure these two
           wonderful kids stay together...
                         
                          HOBSON
           Try not to talk. It's not your
           words but the breath which bears
           them. Perhaps you could repair to
           the East Wing and make me a cup of
           tea? I wish to speak to Naomi.
                         
                          RALPH
           Sure, sure.
                         
          Ralph leaves.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur is having a pre-wedding
           party tonight. You should come.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Oh, should I? Are all the other
           girls he passed up going too?
                         
          Hobson picks up a letter from Rainbow Press and peruses it.
           80.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           Don't you want to show Arthur how
           well you're doing?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Tell him thanks, but I have a
           deadline.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur doesn't know I'm here. He's
           far too decent to be involved in
           something so tawdry. You could
           bring your father. A magical
           experience before he's too big to
           leave this apartment.
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (DISBELIEF)
           Why would I go to this? Why would I
           do that to myself?
                         
                          HOBSON
           My dear, if there's one thing old
           women can tell, it's young men in
           love. And the food promises to be
           breathtakingly free.
                         
          Hobson has a slight dizzy spell and sits down.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you alright?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Better than you, dear.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You really look out for Arthur,
           don't you?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Yes. And it is a job that I
           recommend highly.
                         
          Ralph comes back and with a cup of disgusting-looking tea.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           You really look out for this
           gentleman, from what I've heard.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Ah, what am I gonna do? The no-kill
           pet shelter won't take him.
                         
          Ralph hands Hobson the cup of tea.
           81.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           Thank you. Would you go the
           bathroom and commence washing? You
           only have three hours and it could
           be quite a project.
                         
          Ralph goes. Naomi takes the tea.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I appreciate what you're trying to
           do but I'm not going to that party.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Suit yourself.
                         
          Hobson gets up, still dizzy.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Have you seen a doctor?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Yes. And he has seen me.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I think Arthur has a very good
           friend. May I kiss you on the
           cheek?
                         
                          HOBSON
           Is it something you feel strongly
           about?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Yes.
                         
          But Hobson falls back into her chair heavily, looking sicker.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           Dad! Call 911.
                         
                         
          EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                         
          HORDES OF SMARTLY-DRESSED RICH PEOPLE are gathering on Burt
          Johnson's mansion for the society night of the year. A high-
          level security presence is much in evidence.
                         
                         
          INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT
                         
          A LIVE BAND plays a cheesy soft-rock version of `Addicted to
          Love'. ARISTOCRATS mingle with CRASS NEW MONEY TYPES mingle
          with TIGER WOODS. The band finishes the song.
           82.
                         
                         
                          VOCALIST
           Thanks. We're going to move things
           up tempo now with `The Only Thing
           That Looks Good On Me Is You.'
                         
          The band start playing again. Partygoers hit the dance floor.
          Vivienne, Susan, Burt and Erica pass a huge ice statue of
          Susan and Arthur in a loving embrace and amazing catering.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Splendid affair, Susan.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Don't thank me, thank Erica.
                         
          Erica shrugs modestly. Arthur appears. Burt puts a big burly
          arm around him and squeezes him a little too hard.
                         
                         
          EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                         
          Naomi climbs out of a crappy cab. She's on her phone.
                         
                          NAOMI
           With all due respect, Hobson,
           you're talking out of your frumpy
           English ass. Arthur needs to know!
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Hobson's in bed looking ill. Ralph's fussing over her pillow.
          Hobson slaps him away.
                         
                          HOBSON
           You are not to pull him out of that
           party on my behalf.
                          (BEAT)
           Hello? Naomi!
                         
          But Naomi's gone. Ralph tries to plump the pillow again.
                         
                          RALPH
           You're gonna get through this,
           babe. Then who knows what the
           future may hold?
                         
                         
          EXT. PARTY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi hurries past A DOOR MAN with a clipboard.
                         
                          DOOR MAN
           Excuse me, madam. Name? Madam?
           83.
                         
                         
          Naomi grabs the arm of A MALE GUEST.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Snart plus one.
                         
          She hurries in with the bemused, but delighted man. The DOOR
          MAN checks his clipboard.
                         
                         
          INT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi enters the party, releasing the man, who's disappointed
          to see her go. She looks around for Arthur, getting admiring
          looks from other men - and women.
                         
                          PASSING WOMAN
           Nice dress. Vera Wang?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Ross Dress For Less. You know where
           Arthur is?
                         
                          PASSING WOMAN
                          (SHRUGS)
           Sorry.
                         
          Naomi moves on. The Door Man appears, looking around for the
          gatecrasher. The man whose arm she took on the way in - he's
          called JUSTIN - is also on the prowl for her...
                         
                         
          INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Burt takes to the stage to applause.
                         
                          BURT
           When Arthur proposed to my
           daughter, I was overjoyous. The
           Bach-Templemeads are my kind of
           people: classy. Respectable. Well
           spoken. People like in Shakespeare
           in Love, who esprouse the same
           values I have always upheld both in
           my business and spiritual life. But
           tonight isn't about me or America's
           leading independent formula brand.
                         
          Arthur takes the stage to wild applause.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Thank you, Burt! I've actually
           prepared a little surprise song
           with my friends here.
           84.
                         
                         
          The band starts playing `Close To You' by the Carpenters.
          Arthur sings to Susan, down in the crowd.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Why does cash suddenly appear,
           every time you are near?
                         
          The audience laugh.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Just like me, it longs to be, close
           to Sue. Why do cars fall out of the
           sky, all of which, I can buy...
                          (STOPS)
           I'll sing a proper song.
                          (SINGS)
           You say potayto and I say potahto,
           You say tomayto and I say tomahto,
           potayto, potahto, tomayto, tomahto,
           Let's call the whole thing off! You
           say AA, and I say `no way', you say
           `Red Bull' and I say `Go away,
           Rehab, No way, Red Bull...
                         
                         
          INT. JOHNSON MANSION - ANOTHER LARGE ROOM
                         
          JUSTIN approaches Naomi, who's still looking around for
          Arthur.
                         
                          JUSTIN
           We meet again!
                         
                          NAOMI
           Yeah. Have you seen Arthur?
                         
                          JUSTIN
           The ballroom. I'll take you to him.
                         
          Justin takes Naomi's arm and leads her at a leisurely pace.
          They pass a portrait of Susan.
                         
                          JUSTIN (CONT'D)
           I'm so happy for Arthur and Susan.
                         
          Justin points at a portrait of Susan.
                         
                          JUSTIN (CONT'D)
           Isn't she beautiful?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Of course she is. Why would Arthur
           marry a pig?
           85.
                         
                         
          The Door Man appears, seeing Naomi.
                         
                          JUSTIN
           What business is your family in?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hm? Oh, I'm the heiress to a
           fortune built on small pets.
                         
                          JUSTIN
           I'm sorry?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hamsters, mice, doglets...
                         
                          JUSTIN
           Doglets?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Tiny dogs. The technology's not
           perfect. Seeing a horse the size of
           a can of soup fall dead before your
           eyes - that shit stays with you.
                         
          They walk through a door, ending up in a garden.
                         
                         
          EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you sure he's this way?
                         
                          JUSTIN
           Absolutely.
                         
          Naomi turns to A WOMAN.
                         
                          NAOMI
           (to a WOMAN)
           Excuse me. Have you seen Arthur?
                         
                          WOMAN
           That way. The ballroom.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Bye, Justin.
                         
          Naomi hurries away - running straight into the Door Man.
                         
                          DOOR MAN
           Excuse me, madam. You're not an
           authorized guest.
           86.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           I know that. I'm here to give
           Arthur some very important news.
                         
                          DOOR MAN
           Of course you are.
           (takes her arm)
           Shall we discuss this outside?
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (SHOUTS)
           Get your hands off me!
                         
          They tussle. Arthur intercedes.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's okay, Jeff. She can stay.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur, can I talk to you?
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - LATER
                         
          A MAN IN A WHITE COAT is on the phone beside Hobson's bed.
                         
           MAN IN A WHITE COAT
           We ran tests. It was just a dizzy
           spell. We'll be sending her home
           tonight.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But what about the other blackouts?
                         
          Hobson snatches the phone from the Man in a White Coat.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur, I'm fine. Do not leave that
           party.
                         
                         
          INT. JOHNSON MANSION - DRAWING ROOM - DAY
                         
          Arthur's on the phone, coat on, in a big empty panelled room.
                         
           HOBSON (O.S, OFF)
           Especially now that Naomi is there.
                         
          The call ends. Arthur looks across at Naomi, at the other end
          of the room, looking so beautiful.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           She's fine. They're sending her
           home. Do you want a drink?
           87.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           No, thanks, Arthur. I should go.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But you came all this way. There's
           ridiculously fancy food, there's...
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur. Please. Can you just call
           me a cab?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You're a cab.
                         
          No laughter this time. It's not funny. He takes out his
          iPhone again. Stares at it.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Shit. Hobson usually...
                         
                          NAOMI
           Orders cabs to take the girls away?
                         
          Arthur's busted. He scrolls the phone for a cab number.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Thank you for coming all this way.
           I'm sorry for all the stupid
           presents and calls and gestures.
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's okay.
                         
          Naomi looks up at a portrait of Burt and young, prissy, but
          beautiful Susan.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           She was a looker from the get-go.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What were you like as a kid?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Nuts. I thought the moon followed
           me. I would walk and think the moon
           went any place that I did. I
           thought it meant something special
           would happen. So I've been waiting.
           What an ass.
                         
          Arthur sees a sound system. He goes over and plugs his iPhone
          into it, then takes Naomi in his arms.
           88.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Dance?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur. We've been through this.
           Call that cab please.
                         
          Arthur looks down into her eyes and hits `PLAY' on his
          iPhone. Music starts: it's not a slow, smoochy song but big,
          brassy and upbeat.
                         
          MUSIC: `NELLIE THE ELEPHANT' BY MANDY MILLER
                         
          Arthur ballroom dances Naomi at speed around the room.
                         
                          MANDY MILLER
           To Bombay, a travelling circus
           came, they brought an intelligent
           elephant and Nellie was her name...
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (LAUGHING)
           What the bejeezus is this?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson used to sing it to me.
                          (SINGING ALONG)
           One dark night, she slipped her
           iron chain. Off she ran to
           Hindustan and was never seen again.
           Nellie the Elephant packed her
           bags, And said goodbye to the
           circus, Off she went with a
           trumpety trump, Trump trump
           trump...
                         
          It's energetic, wonderful, as romantic as any slow dance.
          They stop dancing. Arthur stares at Naomi. At last, they
          kiss. But the music stops. It's Vivienne.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Is this the tour guide?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           She's a writer.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Is this the Vivienne?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Crowded field, writing.
           89.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Maybe someone will see her
           potential.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           We all know who's seen her
           potential.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Meaning?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Oh, of course, you don't know, do
           you?
                         
          Arthur suddenly goes pale.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Vivienne, please. Don't...
                         
                          NAOMI
           What is going on here?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           My son became fond of you. You're
           not the first. Or the last, I
           imagine. Anyway I was scanning his
           monthly expenses - which always
           makes for entertaining reading, all
           those gifts for all those girls -
           and found he'd bought an entire
           publishing company called...what
           was it now? Rainbow Press.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You bought Rainbow press? So you
           could tell them to publish my book?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           He knows people, dear. I'm sure you
           do too, though the people you know
           tend not to own books, let alone
           publishers. Arthur, I trust we'll
           see you back at the party? Susan's
           a little worried.
                         
          Vivienne leaves. Naomi storms away. Arthur chases.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           NAOMI! PLEASE! I didn't think I
           would ever see you again. I was
           just trying to give you some...
           90.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (GASPS)
           Confidence? Self esteem isn't a
           gift, Arthur! It isn't a fur coat
           or a thousand billion orchids or an
           apartment made from truffles or
           whatever else you rich freaks use
           to express love!
                         
          Arthur looks incredibly hurt.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I do express love! I love you!
                         
                          NAOMI
           Don't say that!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You just told me to! And stop going
           on about me being rich! You think
           it's easy being trapped by money?
                         
          Naomi gets her old phone out. She speaks into it.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Hello, Amnesty? Come quick!
           Arthur's being held against his
           will in Guantamoney Bay!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Abu Greed?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Stop riffing with me! How dare you
           do what you did. I didn't need your
           money to feel good about myself!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No. Being cheap gives you that.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Huh?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           At least I'm prepared to have fun.
           To live. I'm not all `Oooh look at
           me with my antique food, aren't I
           cool?' And...and...your phone's
           RUBBISH! It's made of bits of old
           doorbell and vibrator, I bet you
           can only get calls from 1994 on it!
           91.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
                          (BOILS OVER)
           As long as I don't get any from a
           drunk, rich fuck up like you!
                         
          A door opens.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Hello? I heard shouting.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I'm an employee of Arthur's. I came
           to complain about the conditions.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi, please...
                         
                          NAOMI
           Mr Bach-Templemead, I know you
           thought putting half and half in
           the staff kitchen was an
           improvement.
                          (REALLY ANGRY)
           But some people prefer Coffee Mate!
           You were disrespectful. I quit!
                         
          Naomi walks away, slamming a door behind her.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Because you changed the creamer?
                          (BEAT)
           Arthur, Marty called from the
           hospital.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's okay, Hobson's fine. I spoke
           to her doctor.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Apparently you didn't.
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Hobson is lying in bed, looking even iller than before.
                         
                          HOBSON
           It's just a headache!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Stop saying that! You bribed a
           hospital orderly to tell me you
           were okay!
           92.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           Oh, bothersnaps. What do doctors
           know?
                         
          The door opens. Marty enters with a shopping cart.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Da dahhhh! I give you the amazing
           costly, health-giving presents!
                         
          Arthur starts to produce gifts for Hobson: jewellery,
          expensive bath products, perfumes, clothes, a DVD...
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           'Wake up and Smell the Carcass'..
           (reads the DVD)
           `A compilation of the band's most
           stomach-churning music videos and
           deathly live performances...'
                         
          He produces a DARTH VADER HELMET.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Put this on, please.
                         
                          HOBSON
           I don't want to put it on.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Put it on. Or I'll fire you.
                          (PAUSE)
           Okay, or I won't fire you.
                         
          She dons the full face helmet.
                         
                          HOBSON
                          (VADER VOICE)
           How much did you waste on this
           poppycock?
                         
          Arthur and Marty laugh.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
                          (VADER VOICE)
           I see you've decided not to grow up
           after all.
                         
                          MARTY
           She sounds like Darth Invader!
                         
          Finally, Arthur unwraps a very high-end DVD player and TV.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Why, Arthur?
           93.
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          The room is dark. Arthur, Hobson and Marty are all on the
          bed, bathed in blue light from the huge new TV.
                         
           VOICEOVER (O.S.)
           Stargazer, known for her
           distinctive white mottled back...
                         
          It's a documentary about grizzly bears.
                         
                          VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
           ...is determined to catch the
           salmon, despite the treacherous
           rapids...
                         
          A DOCTOR enters.
                         
                          DOCTOR
           Mr Bach-Templemead? Do you have a
           moment?
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur's looking delighted. But the doctor is grave.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Home? That's great news. Isn't it?
                         
                         
          INT/EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          We see a short montage of Arthur, now sober, taking care of
          Hobson with Marty's help: Reading to her...Watching another
          bear documentary...Arthur doing silly yoga for Hobson...
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur is quietly cleaning Hobson's room. He stumbles on a
          document. It reads: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' BY N J
          SNART. FINAL MANUSCRIPT.' He opens it.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           How did this get here?
                         
                          HOBSON
           I have no idea.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You might have a brain tumour but
           you're not a complete veggie burger
           just yet. Has Naomi been here?
           94.
                         
                         
                          HOBSON
           She dropped by once or twice.
           Frightful needy trollop.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I thought she gave up writing.
                         
          Arthur's reading the manuscript, bearing Hobson's notations:
          `Shorten', `Wonderful - do NOT cut!', `Beautiful. I cried'.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Just trying to spare her outright
           humiliation while I'm still here.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Don't wear yourself out. You're not
           going anywhere soon.
                         
          He taps the top of a state-of-the-art heart monitor.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           World's most advanced heart rate
           monitor. The tiniest problem will
           alert your own private platoon of
           paramedics camped out downstairs...
                         
          Hobson takes Arthur's hand.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Arthur. I've loved caring for you
           so much. But you'll never grow up
           with me around. So either I retire.
           Or I die. Option 1 involves too
           much paperwork and blather with
           having to find somewhere else to
           live. And no offence to you, dear
           boy...
                         
          She glances at a MASSIVE PILE OF BEAR DOCUMENTARY DVDs beside
          THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TEDDY BEAR.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           ...but I think we've exhausted the
           bear-based entertainment. Which
           leaves option 2.
                         
          Arthur can't fight the tears any more.
                         
                          HOBSON (CONT'D)
           You're a good son, Arthur. You can
           do anything with your life that you
           want. Just like I did.
           95.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But you spent half of it looking
           after a spoilt drunk twat.
                         
                          HOBSON
           Exactly. Sorry Arthur. I'm past my
           use-by date.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, Hobson, You don't win this
           one. I need you to care for me.
           (holds up a pill)
           Now take your fish oil.
                         
                         
          INT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur, in a chair at the end of the bed, wakes with a start
          from a dream. He looks across to Hobson, who is very still.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Hobson?
                         
          The expensive monitor is dead. He jumps up.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           HOBSON!
           (hammering the machine)
           Why the fuck has the stupid thing
           not gone off?
                          (SHOUTS)
           GET UP HERE! SHE'S NOT...
                         
          He sees that the monitor is unplugged. The cord is in
          Hobson's hand. It's over. Hobson's dead.
                         
          Arthur sobs his heart out.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                         
          It's a few weeks later. The place is very, very messy. The
          place also seems to be heavily splattered with all colors of
          paint.
                         
          SPLOTCH! A big lump of red paint thuds into Hobson's giant
          teddy bear, which is already heavily spattered.
                         
          Arthur's sitting naked, apart from a helmet, in his tiny army
          paintball tank. He's in a blank, drunken daze, firing paint
          at the teddy. The tank turret rotates. He shoots walls,
          possessions, furniture. He stops.
           96.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Would Frog ever get up again? Or
           would he just sit in his tank,
           crying and soiling himself until he
           died of dehydration because he
           didn't even have the energy to eat
           a wet sandwich.
                         
          He looks down at an ashes urn.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hobson! Why are you in there when I
           need you?
           (lifts lid off urn)
           HOBSON!
                         
          He's rewarded with a face full of ashes. Angrily he spins the
          turret through 360 degrees, firing paint.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Arrrrgghhh!
                         
          Marty comes in - and is hit hard by paint.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Sorry.
                         
                          MARTY
           How's the tea?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Shockingly bad, thanks, Marty.
                         
                          MARTY
           Want to talk about the Cubs game?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Nahhh. Can I be alone please?
                         
          Marty goes. Arthur picks up his phone and scrolls down to
          Naomi's name. He thinks for a moment, hits `call'.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi is shopping. She looks at the phone, sees Arthur's
          name. She so wants to answer. But doesn't.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur stands on the balcony. He peers down at Manhattan far,
          far below.
           97.
                         
                         
          INT. PIERRE HOTEL - HOTEL BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A COUPLE are having sex. A BODY falls past the window.
                         
                         
          INT. PIERRE HOTEL - RESTAURANT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The body falls past a window. A huge crash from off.
                         
                         
          EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          PASSERSBY are staring in horror at a yellow cab, its roof
          caved in, the DRIVER shaking in shock.
                         
          Tilt up to find Hobson's HUGE teddy BEAR lying on the roof.
                         
                         
          EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. BALCONY - DAY
                         
          Arthur's on his phone again.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (leaving a message)
           Naomi? I doubt you'll ever get
           this, because your voicemail
           probably consists of a 4000 year
           old woman who writes the message
           down in hieroglyphics then loses it
           down the back of her incontinence
           loin cloth. Hobson died. Hobson
           died and I've fallen apart...
                         
          The doorbell rings from off.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Marty! Can you get that? Marty!
                          (INTO PHONE)
           Naomi? Could you get it? Hello?
                         
          He throws the cellphone off the roof. A couple of seconds
          pass. We hear a very faint howl of pain from whoever it hit.
                         
                         
          INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
                         
          Arthur opens the door. It's Vivienne.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur! You haven't answered the
           phone for eight days. Susan's
           beside herself. What's going on?
           98.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What do you think's going on?
           Hobson died.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Oh, that.
                         
          She bustles in past Arthur. A PLATOON OF MAIDS follows.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
                          (TO MAIDS)
           Chop chop! You cleany penthouseio!
           Come on, Arthur. Have to pick
           yourself up, lad. It's like when
           Nixon my Great Dane had to be put
           down. Frightful state for days. But
           I pulled myself together.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You're comparing Hobson to...a dog?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Well, yes. A faithful, humble
           companion who...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Um, I think I'd like you to leave,
           if that's okay. Now?
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Remember who pays for this
           apartment, Arthur. For everything!
                         
          He guides her out the door.
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           You had damn well better be at that
           wedding, boy.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Don't worry. If I'm going to drink
           myself to death I'll need
           resources. Bye Vivienne...
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           It's mother!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           My mother's dead.
                         
          He slams the door. The phone rings again.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hello? I'm sorry?
           99.
                         
                         
          INT. ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - DAY
                         
          Arthur is sitting in an estate attorney's next to MR FINKE,
          a small, dirty man. ATTORNEY MARGARET AHERNE is at a desk
          opposite them, reading from a will.
                         
                          AHERNE
           The last will and testament of Jane
           Hobson.
                          (READS)
           `I leave my life savings to the
           Tulare Bear Sanctuary, Tulare
           County, California.'
                         
          Aherne hands Mr Finke A CHECK for $8,864.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           That'll explain the strong smell of
           bear shit. Sorry.
                         
          Aherne opens a tiny envelope.
                         
                          AHERNE
           To Arthur Bach Templemead, I leave
           this.
                         
          She produces a teabag.
                         
                          AHERNE (CONT'D)
           To operate kettle, press red
           button. Milk in refrigerator;
           that's the big box with the pretty
           light that comes on when you open
           the door.
                          (PAUSE)
           Arthur. You're going to be okay.
           Now it's your turn to look after
           someone. All my deepest, fondest
           love, my dearest boy. I'm smiling
           down at you - or more likely, up at
           you - forever and ever, H xxxxxxxx.
                         
                         
          INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                         
          Close up on the KETTLE, steam issuing forth from the spout.
          Then a MUG with the teabag in it. The kettle boils. A hand
          pours hot water into the mug. Milk is added. And a drop of
          vodka.
                         
                         
          EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Burt and Vivienne are standing outside, greeting GUESTS.
           100.
                         
                         
                          BURT
           I just want you to know, if he
           doesn't show up for this wedding, I
           can't know what I'll do.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Don't worry, Burt. He's cleaned
           himself up. He's stopped drinking,
           he's anxious to get a real job.
           He's become a responsible citizen.
                         
                         
          EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY
                         
          Arthur is stalking - drunk but determined - through the
          crowds. He comes upon a group of tourists standing by a tour
          bus. Naomi's now wearing a headset mic, pointing south.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Due to a tragic error in the
           architect's drawing, the original
           Statue of Liberty unveiled in 1886
           was just seven inches tall. 100,000
           New Yorkers rioted, having come
           expecting to see something more
           impressive than a garden gnome
           holding up an ice cream...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi!
                         
          Arthur pushes his way through the tourists. He sees her bus
          and headset.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           You're on a bus? With a microphone?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Girl's gotta have a dream.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi. Can you take the next 60
           years off?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you okay? You're a mess. You
           look like you...now.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry. I accidentally swallowed
           three bottles of hand sanitizer.
           Fascinating story...Okay.
                          (MORE)
           101.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Drinking was the only way I could
           get the courage to come here and
           say this: I don't need the money. I
           love the money. But I don't lie
           awake all night wondering how I'll
           live without ever seeing it again.
           I just wonder what it's like to go
           24 hours without a steak tartare.
                         
          Naomi looks unconvinced. Arthur pulls out his wallet and
          takes out a load of credit cards.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           The American Express Centurion card
           - you have to spend at least
           $250,000 a year to keep it, which I
           blow in a quiet week.
                         
          He drops it down a drain. He produces another card.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Sotheby's `World Elite' Mastercard
           for art collectors.
                         
          Drops it down drain too. The tourists are enjoying this.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           And King of all idiotic reckless-
                          SPEND-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-EVERYTHING-
                          FOR-TOMORROW-WE-DIE PLASTIC
           insanity: the Visa Black Card.
                         
          This last one he hands to a PASSING HOMELESS MAN.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           PIN 3487. Daily ATM limit $180,000.
                         
          The man runs into the road. As Arthur talks, out of focus we
          see the man hit by a car, but get up and keep going.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           (producing fancy iPhone)
           The world's only platinum iPhone.
           With police radio app.
                         
          He tosses it over his shoulder. It lands in the beef juice
          pan of a Street French Dip stall. A BIGGER CROWD is
          gathering. Arthur takes off his jacket.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Alexander Amosu. Vicuna wool, shorn
           once every three years from the
           South American camelid - $50,000.
           102.
                         
                         
          He throws the jacket in a passing cab's window. He takes off
          his pants.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Westmancott trousers, ten months to
           design, fit and make. $21,000.
                         
          He hands the trousers to a PASSERBY. Off with his watch!
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                          (SHOUTS)
           Who wants the watch Neil Armstrong
           wore to step on the sun!
                         
          Arthur flings it in the air. A crazed fight breaks out.
                         
          Arthur stands before Naomi in just his underpants and socks.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           These are from The Gap.
                         
                          NAOMI
           I'm so sorry about Hobson.
                         
          They step away from the tourists.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm sorry about the Rainbow Press.
                         
                          NAOMI
           It's okay. So how did Susan take it
           that you're not marrying her?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           She didn't.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You haven't told her?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           What's it to you? She's your arch-
           enemy.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Are you six? She isn't my enemy.
           She's the woman you proposed to!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I couldn't tell her! Today's the
           biggest day of her life!
                         
                          NAOMI
           The wedding's today? When?
           103.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           12. Which is...
           (looks at his wrist)
           Where's my watch gone?
                         
                          NAOMI
           (looks at her watch)
           It's eight minutes to.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           It's too late, then.
                         
          Naomi hands Arthur her phone.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I don't know her number! It's in my
           phone's address book in that gloop.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Church?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           St. John the Divine. Can we please
           just get me some clothes...
                         
                          NAOMI
           St John..Fourth largest church in
           the world...111th and Amsterdam.
           It's about four miles. Better
           hurry.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You want me to go there? Like this?
                         
                          NAOMI
           What's the alternative? Jilt Susan
           at the altar? Can I expect the same
           treatment when you dump me?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No! I love you!
                         
          Naomi starts herding her tourists onto her bus.
                         
                          NAOMI
           C'mon, folks...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi! Susan's dad will...
           104.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           Arthur. Prove you're not the same
           pampered little boy who can have
           what he wants then toss it aside
           when he's bored. Then we'll talk.
                         
          She sits in the driving seat and belts up.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Naomi! I don't even know the way!
                         
                          NAOMI
           5th...right on Broadway...left at
           Times...Right on 7th...back on
           Broadway....right on Amsterdam. The
           church is the big stone pointy
           thing full of rich people.
                         
          The bus door shuts. Naomi drives away.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           SHIT! TAXI!
                         
          A taxi stops. Arthur feels for his pockets. Ah shit.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Um, can anyone spare...
           (to the DRIVER)
           How much to St. John the Divine
           please?
                         
                          DRIVER
           About 15 bucks...
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (to the crowd)
           Can anyone spare $15 please?
                         
                          DRIVER
           What about tip? You cheapskate?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           30?
                         
          The crowd just stare back. The taxi drives away.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Stop! STOP!
                         
          Arthur looks at a STREET CLOCK: 11:53.
                         
          Arthur starts running in his underwear.
           105.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          GUESTS are taking their pews.
                         
                         
          EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur runs along Fifth.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Susan is being fussed over by BRIDESMAIDS.
                         
                         
          EXT. BROADWAY - DAY
                         
          Arthur runs up Broadway, passing a Watch and Clock store.
          Every timepiece reads 11:54.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Burt, sitting in a pew, looks at his watch. He looks around
          for Arthur then scowls very scarily.
                         
                         
          EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY
                         
          Arthur stops, out of breath. He sees A LINE OF STREET
          ENTERTAINERS. That gives him an idea.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (SHOUTS)
           Gather round for the nearly naked
           Yoga man - YOGI BARE! I give you...
                         
          Arthur strikes a sequence of silly poses and names.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           `Chicken forgetting birthday'...
                         
          TOURISTS throw money. Arthur grabs it up. He looks up at the
          Times Square digital clock: 11:56.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           TAXI!
                         
          A taxi stops. Arthur throws the money to THE DRIVER.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           How far can I go with $1.95 and a
           Japanese coin with a hole in it?
           106.
                         
                         
                          DRIVER
           A block and a half.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           GO!
                         
          Arthur jumps in. The cab screeches away.
                         
                         
          EXT. SEVENTH AVENUE - DAY
                         
          The cab halts. Arthur jumps out and starts running again. He
          sees A BUS with `COLUMBUS CIRCLE' in its window.
                         
          We cut to people cheering Arthur, hanging on the bus's front
          bicycle rack. But the DRIVER sees him and hits the brakes.
          Arthur's flung forwards but gets up and keeps running.
                         
          He sees a Subway Station.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (TO PASSERBY)
           Excuse me, are there trains down
           there, like in films?
                         
                          PASSERBY
           Yes.
                         
          Arthur runs down the steps.
                         
                         
          INT. SUBWAY - DAY
                         
          A train pulls on to the platform. Arthur leaps aboard.
                         
                         
          INT. TRAIN - DAY
                         
          Arthur stands among New Yorkers, none of whom bat an eyelid
          at his appearance. He looks up at the stations.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (to A MALE PASSENGER)
           Excuse me. Terribly sorry to bother
           you, but...
                         
          Without looking at him, the guy hands him a dollar.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Crikey. Thanks.
           107.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Susan is ready. She looks to the door. Erica, who is peering
          out, shakes her head with an `I told you so' look.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S TOUR BUS - DAY
                         
          Naomi's driving her bus up 42nd Street.
                         
                          NAOMI
           (into a headset mic)
           ...originally a rough
           neighbourhood. Some say it was
           called 42nd Street because it
           wasn't safe to spend more than
           forty seconds on it.
                         
          A few grudging laughs from the tourists.
                         
                          MALE TOURIST
           Excuse me.
                         
                          NAOMI
           If you burst into song, you're off
           this bus.
                         
                          MALE TOURIST
           Huh? I want to see St. John the
           Divine.
                         
                          NAOMI
           Sorry, sir, that's not on our route
           today. Anyway...
                         
                          FEMALE TOURIST
           I want to know if Arthur's gonna
           make it.
                         
           OTHER FEMALE TOURIST (CONT'D)
           You should be there for him.
                         
          Other tourists agree.
                         
                          MALE TOURIST
                          (WAVES LEAFLET)
           It says here `ask about your
           personalised tours'. I want the
           personalised tour. To St. John the
           Divine!
                         
           ALL OTHER TOURISTS
           So do I! St. John the Divine, St.
           John the Divine, St. John the...
           108.
                         
                         
                          NAOMI
           Okay!
                         
                         
          EXT. STREET. DAY
                         
          Arthur comes bounding out of another station. Clutching his
          dollar, he sees a bus. He runs aboard, and up to the driver.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Ah! I'm trying to get to...
                         
          Arthur feels eyes on him. The bus is full of SCHOOL CHILDREN!
          It's a school bus! They all stare for a beat, then get out
          cellphones to report the weirdo in their midst, who runs off
          again and up Broadway, passing a store's line of shopping
          carts. He starts emptying them of quarters.
                         
                          MANAGER
           Hey!
                         
          A police car rounds the corner.
                         
                          POLICEMAN
                          (INTO MIC)
           Uh, unit 6J, we have reports of an
           indecent exposure on a school bus.
                         
          Arthur jumps in a shopping cart; as the truck passes, he
          launches forward, grabbing the rear fender!
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Burt gets up, squeezing past TIGER WOODS.
                         
                         
          EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Arthur's cab pulls up outside the church, surrounded by
          ONLOOKERS AND PAPARAZZI. Arthur leaps out and fights his way
          through the crowd. People start to recognise the crazed,
          sweating panting weirdo in underwear. Paparazzi and
          pedestrians photograph and film him. He runs into the church.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The church is packed with THE GREAT, GOOD, RICH AND FAMOUS.
          Vivienne sits waiting. Arthur stumbles in at the back.
           109.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Arthur's trying to inch along the back. But the congregation
          falls silent, watching him. He stumbles up the aisle, looking
          up to Jesus, in similar scantily-clad appearance, on a cross.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'm not him.
           (shows his wrists)
           Look ma! No holes.
                         
          Arthur slips in a side door.
                         
                         
          INT. SACRISTY - DAY
                         
          Susan is sitting, sad, Bridesmaids comforting her.
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Susan?
                         
          Susan turns and is shocked to see Arthur.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Arthur? What's going on?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Susan. I can't...I can't...
                         
          He leads her away from the bridesmaids.
                         
                          SUSAN
           What?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           The girl at the party? The one who
           talked all that rubbish about
           Coffee Mate? I love her.
                         
          Susan slaps Arthur. Hard.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Shut up! We're getting married!
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But I don't love you!
                         
                          SUSAN
           And you think I love you?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Well, yes. What's not to...
           110.
                         
                         
                          SUSAN
           I never have.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Susan, you're upset, you hate me.
           It's okay. Now I'm sorry, I have to
           go, or your dad's going to do
           whatever he did to your boyfriend
           from college.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Daddy never hurt Alex. He paid her
           parents to send her away..
                         
                          ARTHUR
           HER? You're..a...
                         
                          SUSAN
           Lesbian. Yes. You may have noticed
           that daddy is homophobic. He swore
           he'd disown me if it happened
           again.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           But...why do you want to marry...
                         
          Arthur glances across, sees Erica skulking.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Hang on. Am I your beard?
                         
                          SUSAN
           Why else do you think I'd spend
           more than 30 seconds in your
           company? You're the perfect cover.
                         
                          ARTHUR
                          (REELING)
           Have you been pretending to like
           Dane Cook as well?
                         
                          SUSAN
           No.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Wow. Wow. Well. Uh...
           (heads to the door)
           Thanks for your honesty. I don't
           feel so bad about calling this off.
                         
          Erica steps in his way.
           111.
                         
                         
                          SUSAN
           Arthur, please. You can drink as
           much as you like, sneak off to
           Naomi. We keep the money. We live
           our lives. Everyone wins.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I may be a weak, pathetic drunk.
           But I won't marry a lesbian Dane
           Cook fan.
                         
          Arthur pushes past Erica.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH. ALTAR - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur stumbles out on the altar. The CONGREGATION stares. He
          taps a mic from the pulpit like a stand up.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Good evening, St. John the Divine!
           Anyone in from St. Patrick's?
           Bialystoker Synagogue? Manhattan
           Mosque? AA?
                         
                         
          EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Naomi's tour bus screeches up. She hurries out.
                         
                         
          SINT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Arthur's still before the congregation, telling a story.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           ...and the first turned to the
           second horse and said `That dog
           just spoke'.
                         
          The hateful silence that only 500 angry rich people can
          muster.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           The joke being that it's
           inconsistent that the horses can
           speak but the dog can't.
                         
          Naomi creeps in at the back.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           The wedding's off. The bride has
           had second thoughts. I can't say I
           blame her. Would you marry me?
                          (MORE)
           112.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                          (PAUSE)
           You won't be seeing me again, as
           I'm going to be poor. I'll be
           shopping at the 99 Cent Store. Six
           pork chops for under a dollar!
                         
          TIGER WOODS discreetly scribbles `99c Store, chops' on a torn-
          out Bible page.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Great. I'm glad we had this talk.
           I'll let you get on with the
           wedding....
                         
          A huge crucifix strikes Arthur hard. Burt, crazed with
          hatred, drags him by his hair off the altar.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Burt is bashing Arthur's head HARD against a stone font.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Daddy, no! Stop it!
                         
          Vivienne bursts in. Followed by Naomi.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Burt! Get off my son!
                         
          But nothing's going to stop Burt.
                         
                          SUSAN
           (louder than anyone yet)
           DADDY!!!
                         
          Susan is over Burt, brandishing a Virgin Mary statue.
                         
                          BURT
           You wouldn't hurt me.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Wouldn't I? You crushed me.
                         
                          BURT
           I just wanted you to be happy.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Bullshit. You wanted to stop me
           being a lesbian!
                         
                          BURT
           Shut up! Shut up you dirty little
           dyke harlot!
           113.
                         
                         
          Erica leaps on Burt, pummelling his face with her fists.
                         
                          ERICA
           You want some more, bitch? Huh?
                         
          Arthur looks up at Susan.
                         
                          SUSAN
           Erica, that's enough, honey.
                         
          Erica stops. Susan kisses her.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Why didn't you tell me? We could
           have worked something out.
                         
          Naomi give Arthur a look.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           I'm joking.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH - LATER
                         
          The church is empty, apart from Arthur and Naomi on the
          altar. Naomi's trying to remove something from Arthur's neck.
          Vivienne is sitting alone in a pew near the back.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           OW! Stop it! Why are you doing
           that?
                         
                          NAOMI
           Because I hate an infection! Keep
           still.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           No, you keep still.
                         
          He kisses Naomi passionately.
                         
                          NAOMI
           What are we going to do, Arthur?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I'll get a job. I'll model cheap
           riding boots for people with no
           horses. You can write books about
           boys whose lungs have run away.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Stop this!
                         
          Vivienne walks up to the altar.
           114.
                         
                         
                          VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
           A Bach-Templemead has never been
           poor and we're not about to try
           that experiment with you, Arthur.
           That said, you've shown strength of
           character for once, instead of
           blubbing on about frogs and
           friendship. The inheritance is
           yours. All I ask is, with Hobson
           gone, you finally start treating me
           like a mother.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, Vivienne. I can't do that.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           I beg your pardon?
                         
                          ARTHUR
           You've never earned that title. I
           wouldn't fake it with Susan. I
           won't with you.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur. I will withdraw this offer
           forever. Don't doubt me, boy.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I don't.
                         
          Arthur shakes Vivienne's hand.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           Take care, Viv.
                         
          Arthur takes Naomi by the hand and they leave the church.
                         
                          VIVIENNE
           Arthur! Arthur! I am serious! If
           you walk out of that door...
                         
          They're gone. Vivienne sits in a pew. For once she looks
          small, old, alone.
                         
                         
          EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Arthur and Naomi step into the daylight, pushing past
          paparazzi and press. Marty is waiting in the Batmobile, now
          repaired.
           115.
                         
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Sorry, Marty. This isn't mine any
           more. Fancy joining us for a bowl
           of Special J?
                         
          Marty gets out. The three walk away up Amsterdam Avenue.
                         
                          FADE OUT
                         
                         
          EXT. QUEENS - NIGHT
                         
          CAPTION: ONE MONTH LATER
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           OW!
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Naomi's typing, sipping `Sprike' (fake Sprite). Beside her is
          a printed manuscript titled `SNART'S FAKE NEW YORK - A Bogus
          guide to the World's Greatest City.' On the computer screen
          is: `...the 1765 Irish Hair Famine swept through Manhattan,
          rendering every resident bald for a week.'
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           This is outrageous!
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SHOWER - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Arthur's struggling with a very crap, piddly shower. Rather
          than the glory of Manhattan from his shower-in-the-sky,
          Arthur just has a bare wall opposite to look out on.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Operational heat controls in a
           shower are a basic human right!
                         
          A hole in a pipe sprays his groin with hot water. He screams.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Ralph and Marty sit watching sports, Marty cheering as the
          Yankees are losing, Ralph miserable, The doorbell rings.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. BATHROOM DOOR. NIGHT
                         
          Ralph stands hammering at the bathroom door, holding a
          package.
           116.
                         
                         
           ARTHUR (O.S.)
           Owww! My eyes! I'm blind!
                         
          Ralph hammers again. The bathroom door opens. Arthur's
          holding a giant bottle of cheap shampoo. His eyes are bright
          red, streaming.
                         
                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
           What the hell's in this shampoo?
           Napalm? It sure as hell isn't tea
           tree oil...
                         
          Ralph hands him the package.
                         
                          RALPH
           Package for you. With any luck an
           apartment for you and Lurch.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           I thought you liked me.
                         
                          RALPH
           I may have been seduced by money.
           It happens.
                         
                         
          INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Naomi appears from the bedroom. She finds Arthur staring at
          a framed photo of Hobson as a beautiful young woman holding
          Arthur as a happy, laughing toddler. A note is attached.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           (reading it out)
           `Can I be your friend at least?
           Love, Vivienne xxx. P.S. Lunch
           sometime? P.P.S. The inheritance is
           yours. It always was.'
                         
          Arthur looks at Naomi, at Ralph, at Marty.
                         
                          RALPH
           On balance, I'd go for it.
                         
                          MARTY
           Money good.
                         
          They look at Naomi.
                         
                          NAOMI
           You were never happy rich, honey.
           It's only been a month. Be strong.
           Remember: however hard life gets,
           love will always find a way.
                          (MORE)
           117.
                         
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
           (off their stares:)
           What? Can't a girl make a joke?
                         
                         
          EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur steps out of a Bentley.
                         
                         
          INT. AA MEETING - NIGHT
                         
          Arthur enters the AA meeting, clutching Hobson's ashes.
                         
                          ARTHUR
           Brought her for moral support. But
           I'll do the talking this time.
                         
                          FADE OUT