AIRPLANE 2: THE SEQUEL
         
          
                                  Written by         
          
                                Ken Finkleman
                 
          
          
          
          
          
                                               SECOND DRAFT
          
                                               February 18, 1982
          
          
          
          
          
          FADE IN:
          
          EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
          
          A machete slashes INTO FRAME.  An American in battered
          fedora and leather jacket, accompanied by two gunbearers,
          hacks his way through dense bush.  We see him from the back
          only.  He hacks an opening, bats fly out AT CAMERA and the
          bushes part, revealing huge overgrown stone letters -- the
          Mayan ruin look -- that spell "AIRPLANE II."
          
          
          EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
          
          The Jupiter shuttle stands ready to fly.
          
          SUPER:  HOUSTON, 2002
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM - STOCK FOOTAGE
          
          of Houston Control with appropriate jargon V.O.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - WIDE ANGLE STOCK SHOT
          
          of a crowded modern terminal.
          
                                  P.A.
                   All lunar departures, please proceed to
                   concourse lounge 'B.'
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL - STOCK FOOTAGE - NIGHT
          
          of heavy traffic at LAX.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TERMINAL DOORS
          
          A number of men in futuristic-looking mining outfits,
          carrying futuristic gear, unload a truck with a corporate
          logo that reads:  TRX DEEP SPACE RESOURCE MANAGEMENT.
          
                                  P.A.
                   Attention, all Pulsar Four mining
                   personnel.
          
          The miners look up.
          
                                  P.A.
                   Please report to the Resource Expeditions
                   office, level seven.
          
          Two miners head to terminal doors and pass FOUR NUNS, who
          bid farewell to FATHER O'FLANAGAN.  O'Flanagan shakes the
          hands of the first three elderly nuns, then grabs the last
          young gorgeous nun and kisses her passionately.
          
                                  OLDER NUN
                   No tongues, Father.
          
          
          INT. CONTROL ROOM
          
          A group tour moves through the room behind controllers.
          
                                  GUIDE
                   All lunar shuttle landings are handled by
                   these computers and simulated on these
                   video units.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                        (at computer screen)
                   You're programmed on R-two-niner and
                   locked, Lunar eight six.  Over.
          
          
          INT. LUNAR SHUTTLE COCKPIT - NIGHT
          
          Three crew members watch the lit landing strip as their
          shuttle approaches.
          
                                  CAPTAIN
                        (to co-pilot)
                   It's out of our hands now, gentlemen.
          
          They smile.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          The CONTROLLER moves away from his video unit.  A kid from
          the tour who has lagged behind hits a switch.  The screen
          turns into a video game with SFX.  He flips knobs.
          
          
          INT. LUNAR SHUTTLE
          
          The crew are tossed from side to side and try to regain
          control of the ship.
          
          
          EXT. NIGHT SKY
          
          The Lunar shuttle careens towards the terminal, out of
          control.
          
          
          INT. CONTROL ROOM
          
          The kid is still playing like mad.  A flash appears on the
          screen.  SFX VIDEO GAME EXPLOSION and a corresponding
          EXPLOSION from outside.  SIRENS WAIL.  CONTROLLERS run
          around.  The kid is oblivious and walks away.
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL - NIGHT
          
          BUD KRUGER, head of the space center, and the COMMISSIONER
          get out of a limo under a sign that reads, "MERCURY
          SHUTTLE."  They walk and talk.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Commissioner, we both know the Mercury
                   shuttle needs another month of pre-launch
                   testing.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Forget it.  The boys on the board want
                   that shuttle to go on schedule.
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          Kruger and the Commissioner go up escalator.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   And what do the boys on the board know
                   about safety, Commissioner?  Let me talk
                   to them.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Bud, get wise to the political realities.
                   The boys on the board are under a lot of
                   pressure from the boys downtown.
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - SECOND LEVEL
          
          Kruger gets a pack of cigarettes from a machine.
          Commissioner buys a newspaper.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   And I'll be the one they'll hang if
                   there's a screw-up.
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - SHOESHINE STAND
          
          Kruger and Commissioner get shoes shined.  A MAN next to
          them in white shoes reads paper with headline -- "SOLAR
          PLANT MELTDOWN, 500 WORKERS SERIOUSLY TANNED" -- and doesn't
          notice his shoes are getting black polish.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Listen, Bud, the boys downtown are under
                   heavy fire from the boys in Washington.
                   That's why they're putting pressure on the
                   boys on the board.
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          Kruger and Commissioner head down escalator.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Well, you tell the boys on the board to
                   tell the boys downtown to let the boys in
                   Washington know that the press has been
                   nosing around my people in the front
                   office.
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL
          
          Kruger and Commissioner head to their limo.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   You handle your front office people, I'll
                   handle the press and leave the boys in
                   Washington to the boys downtown and the
                   boys downtown to the boys on the board.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Commissioner.
          
          They stop and look at each other.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   What?
          
                                  KRUGER
                   I just wish it was that simple.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING
          
          They get back in their limo and drive off.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  CONTROLLER
                        (over P.A.)
                   This is Mercury One control.  We have
                   condition green.  Mark launch 'T' minus
                   two hours and counting.  I repeat, we have
                   condition green.
          
          
          ANGLE ON LESLIE NEILSON - DOCTOR RUMACK
          
          Dressed as a doctor and looking in a Controller's mouth.
          The Controller's face is bright green.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   This condition isn't as bad as it could be
                   if it were a lot worse.  Take these pills.
                        (hands him pills and water)
                   Here's some water.
          
                                  CONTROLLER
                   What is it, doctor?
          
                                  RUMACK
                   Two parts oxygen, one part hydrogen.
                   It'll make the pills go down easier.
          
          
          EXT. GANTRY - CLOSEUP OF SHUTTLE - NIGHT
          
          MUSIC:  BIG SPACE THEME
          
          WIDE ANGLE LENS PANS the under-belly past the nose as if the
          viewer bent his head back as far as he could, until... the
          CAMERA crashes to the ground as if it has fallen off the
          tripod.
          
          MUSIC:  CRASHES TO A STOP
          
          
          ANGLE ON SIDE OF SHIP
          
          MUSIC:  BIG SPACE THEME STARTS FROM TOP AGAIN
          
          PAN workers on scaffolding who check gauges on exterior of
          ship.  PAN to panel that reads, "SOLID FUEL CHUTE" -- a
          sweaty muscular worker in undershirt opens the panel, flames
          shoot out.  LOOSEN to reveal another sweaty worker in
          undershirt shoveling coal into the chute.  PAN to other
          workers checking more gauges.  SUDDENLY a PANEL EXPLODES.
          Smoking, sparking wires pop out.  A WORKER runs up with
          walkie-talkie in hand.
          
                                  WORKER
                        (into walkie-talkie)
                   This is Mercury station six!  Get me the
                   Sarg and fast!
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL - NIGHT
          
          SIMON KURTZ and ELAINE THOMPSON get out of a taxi with hand
          luggage.  They are dressed in matching flight outfits.
          
          A JAPANESE COUPLE get out of a taxi -- the man has about
          fifty cameras around his neck.  His wife hangs another
          camera on him.  He crashes to the ground under the weight.
          
          Simon and Elaine are approached by a BUSINESSMAN with
          handful of roses.
          
                                  BUSINESSMAN
                   Would you like to buy a rose to help bail
                   out Chrysler?  We're an all-profit
                   organization and need all the money we can
                   get.
          
          Simon hands the Businessman a dollar and takes a rose.
          
                                  SIMON
                        (to Businessman)
                   Here.
          
          The Businessman joins six other BUSINESSMEN carrying signs
          with LEE IACCOCA's picture.  They all smile and chant.
          
                                  BUSINESSMEN
                        (to Hari Krishna)
                   IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IARAMA.
          
          Simon hands Elaine the rose.  She takes his arm as they walk
          towards the sign that reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE."
          
                                  SIMON
                   For the best little computer officer on
                   the Mercury mission.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (smiling)
                   Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Who would believe that Elaine Thompson was
                   once a stewardess on the Denver-Chicago
                   run.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   And I can hardly believe that I'm engaged
                   to someone like you, Simon.  I'm a very
                   lucky woman.
          
          A man with a suitcase on a leash walks beside them.  The
          case pulls him along like a dog and takes a leak on a post.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Women and the space program have come a
                   long way, sweetheart.  But after the
                   wedding, no more complicated computers for
                   my little girl.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   But, darling, they've offered me a chance
                   to head up the computer analysis division
                   for the Jupiter probe.
          
                                  SIMON
                   You're heading up the division in charge
                   of babies for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz.
          
          He kisses Elaine and smiles.
          
                                  SIMON
                   And that's an order, Lieutenant.
          
          The man with the case on a leash passes a woman with a case
          on a leash.  The cases start a violent, BARKING DOG FIGHT.
          
          
          EXT. REAR OF TERMINAL BUILDING - NIGHT
          
          SARG (imagine George Kennedy), dressed in a tuxedo, tie
          undone, with a huge cigar, which he eats during the
          conversation, talks to his wife on his car phone.  A worker
          in hard hat waits next to him.  Behind the worker are fuel
          drums and a large sign that reads:  DANGER, FUEL --
          ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING, ABSOLUTELY NO SPITTING.
          
                                  SARG
                        (on car phone)
                   Marge, you better go without me.  We've
                   got a condition red.
          
          SPLIT SCREEN WITH WIFE AT HOME.
          
                                  MARGE
                        (in evening gown, a cigar stuck
                         in her mouth)
                   We've got a condition red with our
                   marriage.  I think you're in love with
                   that shuttle, not with me.  I want a
                   divorce, Sarg.
          
          Sarg lights his cigar.
          
                                  SARG
                   Is there someone else, Marge?  Is that it?
          
          Sarg throws the lit match towards the "ABSOLUTELY NO
          SMOKING" sign.  The worker grimaces but nothing happens.
          
                                  MARGE
                   Sarg, there's been someone else for
                   fifteen years.  You were just too involved
                   in your work to see it.
          
          They hang up.  Sarg bites off the end of his cigar and spits
          it in the direction of the "NO SPITTING" sign, blowing the
          worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION.  Sarg hops
          into his car, takes a Lava lamp from the seat and puts it on
          the car roof -- like Kojak's flasher.  The lamp flashes, the
          SIREN WAILS, as Sarg pulls away.
          
          
          INT. SARG'S CAR - ON THE MOVE - NIGHT
          
          He thinks about his wife.  SPLIT SCREEN FLASHBACK OF THEIR
          BEDROOM.  Marge, a cigar in her mouth, is in bed with five
          football players -- other half-clad athletes (hockey,
          baseball, wrestling, basketball) line up for their turn at
          her.  Sarg has to climb over them to kiss her goodbye.
          
                                  SARG
                   Don't wait up for me, sweetheart.  We're
                   testing the retro-rockets tonight.
          
                                  MARGE
                   You just can't see it, can you, Sarg.
          
                                  SARG
                   We'll talk tomorrow, hon.  I promise.
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVAL AREA - NIGHT
          
          The WILSON FAMILY -- JOHN, ALICE and ten-year-old JIMMY --
          carry luggage.  Jimmy carries a puppy in a small cage.
          
                                  P.A.
                   All Mercury passengers please proceed to
                   passenger processing, concourse level 'C.'
          
                                  JOHN
                   That's us.
          
          Jimmy Wilson looks at Scraps.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Will Scraps be able to sit with us, Dad?
          
                                  JOHN
                   We'll have to check, Jimmy.  It's a pretty
                   long trip to Mercury.
          
          A PORTER approaches.
          
                                  PORTER
                   Can I help you folks?
          
                                  JOHN
                        (handing him a bag)
                   Thanks.
          
                                  PORTER
                        (noticing Scraps)
                   Is that your puppy, son?
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Yeah, his name is Scraps and he's going to
                   Mercury with us.
          
                                  PORTER
                   No dogs are allowed on the shuttle, son.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   But they said...
          
                                  PORTER
                        (pulling out a handgun)
                   Scraps will have to be shot.  I can do it
                   for you here if you like.
          
          He SHOOTS.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Scraps!!!
          
                                  PORTER
                        (laughing)
                   Just joking.  Blanks.  See, Scraps is
                   fine.
          
          Alice, John, and Porter crack up while Jimmy cries.
          
                                  ALICE
                   It was just a joke, Jimmy.
          
          Alice and John look at each other as if there is something
          wrong with their son.
          
          
          ANGLE ON MAN WITH CAGE
          
          A man lifts a large dog cage out of the trunk of a taxi.
          Inside is another man dressed in S&M leathers.
          
                                  MAN WITH CAGE
                        (to Man in Cage)
                   If we can't fit you under the seat, you'll
                   just have to be locked up with the
                   luggage.
          
          The man in the cage seems to relish the latter suggestion.
          Two Porters lift the cage onto a conveyor belt next to
          Jimmy's dog.
          
          
          EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
          
          Sarg stands beside the burnt panel on the side of the
          shuttle.  He is eating another cigar, holding a burnt wire,
          and talking into a walkie-talkie.
          
                                  SARG
                   There's no way this wiring could have
                   passed inspection without Simon Kurtz's
                   okay!
          
          SPLIT SCREEN OF KRUGER IN HIS OFFICE
          
                                  KRUGER
                        (on phone)
                   Just patch up the damage and get that ship
                   ready to fly.  That's an order, mister!
          
                                  SARG
                   You've got it, mister.  But you can tell
                   your boys on the board for me that this
                   thing stinks to high heaven of kickback.
          
                                                        WIPE TO:
          
          
          KRUGER'S OFFICE - FULL SCREEN
          
          Kruger turns to room.  LOOSEN to reveal a dozen five-year-
          old boys in three-piece suits, smoking cigars.  A huge
          Keans-style painting of three astronauts with big eyes,
          painted on black velvet, hangs in b.g.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   You heard it, boys.  Now, what do you say?
          
                                  ALL BOYS
                   Fuck him!
          
          
          EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
          
          Sarg looks at the wire and shakes his head.
          
                                  SARG
                        (to worker)
                   Ted Striker was right six months ago when
                   he test-piloted this sucker.  And what did
                   he get for telling the truth?  A one-way
                   ticket to Palukaville.
          
          Sarg spits a chunk of cigar on the ground, blowing the
          worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION.
          
          
          EXT. WILD BLUE YONDER - DAY
          
          A jet fighter streaks across the sky.
          
          
          INT. JET - DAY
          
          TED STRIKER is at the controls.  His oxygen mask hangs loose
          from his helmet.  Clouds outside shoot by -- he's going at
          least 700 MPH.  A bird lands on the nose in front of the
          window.  Ted shoos it away by knocking on the glass.  He
          takes a slug of beer and cockily pulls on the stick.
          
          
          EXT. FIGHTER - DAY
          
          The plane does a barrel roll.
          
          
          INT. FIGHTER - DAY
          
          Ted has beer all over his face and shirt.
          
          
          EXT. SMALL LATIN-AMERICAN LANDING STRIP - DAY
          
          SUPER:  "SOUTH AMERICA, 2002 (PALUKAVILLE)"
          
          Striker's fighter comes in for a landing.
          
          
          EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF RIO MONTENEGRO - DAY
          
          CLOSEUP of sign, "WELCOME TO RIO MONTENEGRO -- POP.
          2,354,900 -- NO TORTURING 7AM-9AM MON.-FRI."
          
          
          INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
          
          SUPER: "HOTEL MONTENEGRO"
          
          COME UP on CLOSEUP of parachute.  PAN past a flight jacket
          thrown over a chair, clothes strewn around, a framed photo
          of TED and ELAINE on the bedtable next to a bottle of
          whiskey.  The room is hot and dusty.  Ted lies on the bed
          soaked with sweat, a drink in his hand, a cigarette dangling
          from his lip.  He takes a drink and, forgetting to remove
          the cigarette, swallows it without batting an eye.  LOOSEN
          to find a CRUCIFIX above the bed with a real person on it.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                        (to self)
                   Who could have figured it would come to
                   this.  It'll be twenty years this week
                   that I lost my entire squadron over Macho
                   Grande.  Planes, too.
          
          SUPER:  DOG FIGHT FOOTAGE
          
                                  VOICE
                   You're too low, Striker!  You're too low!
          
          The Crucifix in b.g. looks around trying to figure out where
          the planes in the SUPER are coming from.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   After the war, I couldn't go near anything
                   with a pair of wings.
          
          SUPER:  TED IN PARK TRYING TO AVOID PIGEONS THAT FOLLOW HIM.
          
          A pigeon lands on the Cross.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   That is, until fate dropped me on the seat
                   of my pants at the stick of a 167 into
                   Chicago with no crew.
          
          SUPER:  TED LANDING PLANE IN "AIRPLANE!"
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   It's funny how fate can make heroes out of
                   cowards.
          
          The Crucifix gives a look of exasperated boredom.
          
          SUPER:  NEW YORK TIMES HEADLINE, "STRIKER SAVES l20!" OVER A
          PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Then came the job offers.
          
          SUPER:  HOUSTON TRIBUNE HEADLINE, "FLYING HEROES ACCEPT NASA
          POSTS" OVER A PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   The publicity.
          
          SUPER:  NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINE, "TED IMPOTENT?  ELAINE
          FRIGID?"  A MINOR HEADLINE READS, "JFK ALIVE, SAYS
          UROLOGIST!"
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Even the key to the City of New York.
          
          SUPER:  MAYOR HANDING TED A KILO OF GRASS.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Now look at me.
          
          Ted wipes the sweat off his face and switches on the table
          fan.  A tornado force wind destroys the room as he fights to
          switch off the fan.
          
          
          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY
          
          SUPER:  "RIO MONTENEGRO - TOWN SQUARE"
          
          A peasant boy takes a newspaper from a newsstand.  The
          headline reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE FLIES TOMORROW."
          
                                  BOY
                   Senor Ted!
          
          The boy hightails it through the town-square and passes:
          
          -- A large alabaster statue of the Generalissimo snorting
             cocaine.
          
          -- Soldiers dragging nuns off screaming.
          
          -- Nuns dragging soldiers off screaming.
          
          He passes a line of peasants held at gunpoint by soldiers.
          We HOLD on them.  In b.g. are stores like HITLER'S SHOES,
          TRIEU GUYS FROM SAIGON LIQUORS, KEY'S KEYS -- GENERAL KEY
          stands in doorway.
          
                                  SOLDIER
                        (to first peasant)
                   Traficante de drugas o communista?
          
          SUPER:  SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"
          
                                  PEASANT
                        (pleading)
                   Traficante de drugas, traficante de
                   drugas!
          
          SUPER:  SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer, drug dealer!"
          
          The soldier lets the peasant go.
          
                                  SOLDIER
                        (to second peasant)
                   Traficante de drugas o communista?
          
          SUPER:  SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"
          
          The peasant panics and bolts from the line.  The soldiers
          FIRE.
          
                                  SOLDIER
                   Communista!
          
          He runs up to THE HOTEL MONTENEGRO.  A sign reads, "TV,
          POOL, WATERBEDS, DONKEY, KLEENEX" -- All but "KLEENEX" are
          crossed out.  He runs inside.
          
          
          INT. HOTEL LOBBY
          
          A clean-cut AMERICAN COUPLE argue with Desk Clerk.
          
                                  YOUNG MAN
                        (to Desk Clerk)
                   We've lost all our travelers' checks!
          
                                  YOUNG WOMAN
                   What are we going to do?!
          
                                  CLERK
                   Calm down.  What kind were they?
          
                                  YOUNG MAN
                   American Excess!
          
          The Clerk throws up his hands and strikes the same pose as
          the Karl Marden look-alike in the "AMERICAN EXCESS" poster,
          b.g.
          
                                  CLERK
                   I'd say you're fucked.
          
          The boy passes them and bounds up the stairs.
          
          
          INT. HOTEL ROOM
          
          CLOSEUP of Ted pacing.
          
                                  TED
                        (to self)
                   Next thing I know, I'm the chief test
                   pilot for the XR-2300, NASA's first
                   Mercury shuttle.  That is, until I report
                   she's got more flaws than the Titanic.
          
          LOOSEN slowly to find the Cross empty and the man who was on
          it hanging, his feet dangling next to Ted.
          
                                  TED
                   Now I'm testing old F-l8s for some crazy
                   Generalissimo who thinks there's a commie
                   behind every tree in the Amazon.
          
          SUDDENLY the boy bursts in.
          
                                  BOY
                   Senor Ted!  Look!
          
          Ted spins and the paper stays still.  He stops.
          
                                  TED
                   My God!  They're launching the ZR-2300.
                   Do you know what that is, Jose?
          
                                  BOY
                   The muffler bracket for a '78 Pinto.
          
                                  TED
                   No, that's an XR-2200.  The XR-2300 is the
                   Mercury shuttle.  They can't do it!
          
          
          EXT. HOTEL MONTENEGRO
          
          Ted races out.
          
                                  TED
                   Taxi!
          
          SFX:  A DOZEN CARS SCREECH AND CRASH INTO EACH OTHER.  HORNS
          STICK.
          
          
          ANGLE ON PILE OF CARS
          
          Ted jumps into the taxi on bottom of pile.  The driver
          POUNDS on his HORN -- it CONTINUES TO BLARE as they pull
          away, dragging other taxis.
          
                                  TED
                   Houston, Texas.
          
                                  DRIVER
                   Houston, Texas, senor??
          
                                  TED
                   Right at the corner, left at the light.
                   Here's a map and step on it!
          
          Ted throws a map onto the floor of the front seat.  The
          driver steps on the map.
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVALS - NIGHT
          
          An old truck loaded high with furniture pulls up.  A YOUNG
          MAN and his PARENTS, looking like the family from THE GRAPES
          OF WRATH, get out.
          
                                  SON
                   We finally made it, Ma.  Mercury.  We're
                   gonna start all over agin.  A whole new
                   life.
          
          MUSIC:  OPTIMISTIC.
          
                                  SON
                   Where the soil is rich.
          
          He bends down and takes a handful of earth from the terminal
          sidewalk and lets it run through his fingers.
          
                                  SON
                   And the union strong.  Where men are free
                   to realize their true potential.
          
          A black PORTER approaches and grabs a bag at the bottom of
          their pile of junk.
          
                                  PORTER
                   Can I help you?
          
                                  SON
                   Where black men and white men, working
                   together, can move mountains.
          
          The Porter pulls the bag and the entire mountain of junk
          cascades to the ground.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED'S TAXI ARRIVING
          
          It is covered in mud, flames shoot out from under the hood,
          the HORN BLARES.  The driver flips off the meter which
          reads, "874,567,004,500,000,000."  The numbers run off the
          meter along a special attachment.
          
                                  DRIVER
                   That'll be eight hundred and seventy-four
                   zillion quastavitas.
          
                                  TED
                   Here's three bucks.  Keep the change.
          
                                  DRIVER
                   Thank you!!
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          STELLA BARRINGTON pushes her wheelchair-ridden father, DR.
          CYRUS BARRINGTON, through the terminal crowd.  A PORTER
          approaches.
          
                                  PORTER
                   You folks need any help?
          
                                  STELLA
                   Thanks, but we have a terrific woman in on
                   Thursdays.
          
                                  PORTER
                   Say, isn't that Dr. Barrington, the world-
                   renowned agronomist?
          
                                  STELLA
                   Yes.
          
                                  PORTER
                   It's a privilege to meet you, sir, I'm
                   familiar with all your work.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Let's go, Daddy.  We have to check in.
                        (to Porter)
                   He was never appreciated at the Institute.
          
                                  PORTER
                   Ah, yes, the Institute, I'm familiar with
                   it.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Now he's D-Y-I-N-Ging and wants to be
                   buried on Mercury.
          
          Stella pushes her father away as another PORTER approaches
          our first Porter.
          
                                  PORTER 2
                   Say, wasn't that Dr. Barrington, the
                   world-renowned agronomist?
          
                                  PORTER 1
                   That's right.  Are you familiar with his
                   work?
          
                                  PORTER 2
                   No, but the missus sure is.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED AT ARRIVALS/DEPARTURES MONITORS
          
          The departures side reads.  "MERCURY SHUTTLE - DEPARTS 6:15
          AM"
          
                                  TED
                        (to self)
                   I have to stop that flight.
          
          Ted pushes his way through the crowd past two businessmen.
          HOLD on them as BUSINESSMAN 1 straightens BUSINESSMAN 2's
          tie and hair.
          
                                  BUSINESSMAN 1
                   Don't worry about the Viatex account.
                   It's a buy-sell option.  We can't get hurt
                   in either case.
          
                                  BUSINESSMAN 2
                   Just keep on top of their legal people,
                   Bob.
          
                                  BUSINESSMAN 1
                   Don't sweat it.
          
          They kiss and part.
          
          
          ANGLE ON "1ST CLASS" TICKET LINE
          
                                  AGENT
                        (to traveller)
                   We can take your in-flight dinner orders
                   here, if you like.  Today there's lobster
                   or rack of lamb.
          
                                  TRAVELLER
                   The lobster sounds nice.
          
          The Agent throws a huge lobster into a steaming cauldron.
          
          SFX:  LOBSTER SCREAM.
          
                                  TED
                        (rushing up)
                   Where can I find mission control?
          
                                  AGENT
                        (without pointing or indicating
                         in any way)
                   Information's over there.
          
                                  TED
                   Thanks.
          
          He seems a bit puzzled but moves on.
          
          
          ANGLE ON "2ND CLASS" LINE
          
          Ted passes travellers in rags.
          
                                  AGENT
                        (to traveller in rags)
                   Today there's the swill or the slop.
          
                                  TRAVELLER
                   The slop sounds nice.
          
          Ted passes the "NO CLASS" line.  Travellers in line all wear
          gaudy double-knit suits, white belts and shoes, carry lava
          lamps and bongo drums, wear alpine hats, etc.  The agent
          hands a NO CLASS traveller his ticket with large foam dice
          dangling.  Ted spots the INFORMATION counter and heads for
          it.
          
          
          ANGLE ON INFORMATION COUNTER
          
                                  MAN
                        (to Info Agent)
                   What's the fastest animal on earth?
          
                                  INFO AGENT
                   The cheetah.  Next.
          
                                  WOMAN
                   Should I fake my orgasms?
          
                                  INFO AGENT
                   Yes.  Next.
          
          Next in line are three armed, bearded "TERRORISTS."
          
                                  "TERRORIST" 1
                   Please, where is flight to Miami?
          
                                  INFO AGENT
                        (without indicating anything)
                   Over there.  Next.
          
          The TERRORISTS leave looking confused.
          
                                  TED
                   Mission control?
          
                                  INFO AGENT
                        (without indicating anything)
                   It's over therrrrrrr!
          
          The agent is shot with an arrow and slumps over the counter.
          
                                                        ZOOM TO:
          
          
          CLOSEUP OF TED
          
          He looks in the CAMERA.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
                                  TED
                   That's strange.  I just came from over
                   there.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - ANOTHER AREA
          
          Elaine, Simon, and FRANK MORGAN, the shuttle pilot, talk.
          
                                  FRANK
                   I'll meet you on board.  I've got some
                   business to attend to.
          
          Frank leaves. 
          
                                  SIMON
                        (to Elaine)
                   Frank's the best pilot in the program.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I'm so excited, Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   I guess this is a first for you.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   No, I've been excited before.
          
                                  TED (O.S.)
                   Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (turning around)
                   Te...!
          
                                  TED
                   That's not important now, Elaine.  We have
                   to talk.
          
          Simon pulls Elaine away.  They all walk and talk.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, we've been worried sick ever since
                   you escaped from the Ronald Reagan
                   Institute For The Mentally Feeble.
          
          They walk faster.  The b.g. starts whipping by as if they're
          running.  Wind blows in their hair.
          
                                  TED
                   Are you on the Mercury mission?
          
                                  SIMON
                   That's right, Striker.  And we're getting
                   married when we return.
          
          The b.g. moves faster.  The wind gets stronger.  They pass a
          marathon refreshment stand and are handed wet sponges and
          cups of Gatoraid.
          
                                  TED
                   It's got to be stopped!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   But, Ted, the invitations have already
                   gone out.
          
                                  TED
                   I mean the Mercury flight.  It's not safe
                   and, Kurtz, you know why.
          
                                  SIMON
                   You're still crazy, Striker.  Come on,
                   sweetheart.
          
          Simon pulls Elaine away as she looks back with empathy.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   What did Ted mean?
          
          They leave Ted standing.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Elaine, he's still sick.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED
          
          The wind is still blowing in his hair even though he stands
          still.  Ted has a FLASHBACK.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          INT. ROCKET HANGAR
          
          Ted, in flight coveralls, follows after Simon who is
          overseeing the operation.
          
                                  SIMON
                   You're seeing bugs where they don't exist,
                   Striker.
          
                                  TED
                        (holding wire)
                   Look at this wiring.  It's shorting out
                   under high temperatures.
          
                                  SIMON
                   You're tired, Striker, overworked.  That
                   wiring meets all the safety
                   specifications.
          
                                  TED
                   I know you've been subtly spreading the
                   word that I'm having a breakdown.
          
          A NEWSPAPER BOY passes.
          
                                  NEWSIE
                   Shuttle test pilot goes mad!
          
          A TECHNICIAN -- JACOBS -- enters with drawings of flight
          outfits.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Sir, these are the designs for the flight
                   uniforms.  I think the captain's is to
                   die.
          
                                  SIMON
                        (with drawings)
                   Good, good, no, no, good.  What's this?!
                   I said no studded dog collars, Jacobs.
          
          Jacobs grabs the drawings and leaves in a huff.
          
                                  TED
                   You won't get away with this, Simon!
          
          Ted turns to leave and bumps right into Elaine.  She holds
          him.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, what's wrong?
          
                                  TED
                        (pulling away from her)
                   Ask Simon.
          
          In b.g. a car is parked by a huge rocket engine.  A worker
          opens the hood and strings jumper cables to the rocket.  A
          sign above rocket reads, "ROCKET ENGINE TEST AREA."
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, you're overworked.  You've been
                   flying yourself into the ground.
          
                                  TED
                   There's nothing wrong with me!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Let's relax tonight, just the two of us.
                   I'll make a quiet Italian dinner just the
                   way you like it, with spaghetti.
          
                                  TED
                   You're as bad as the rest of them, Elaine!
                        (ranting)
                   It's all here in the design
                   specifications!
                        (grabs plans from a passing
                         technician)
                   Look!  It's all here!
          
          Simon signals the guards.  They grab Ted.  He struggles and
          rants.  A DOCTOR in white approaches and injects something
          into Ted's arm.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   No!  Wait!  You're hurting him!
          
          Ted falls unconscious.  Simon holds Elaine.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Elaine!  Ted's a danger to himself, he's a
                   threat to this mission and his behavior
                   does absolutely nothing to promote peace
                   in the Middle East.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (crying on Simon's shoulder)
                   Simon, why has he become so... so...
          
                                  SIMON
                   So mentally ill?
          
          Elaine collapses on Simon's shoulder, sobbing.  Simon smiles
          evilly.  The technician with the jumper cables, b.g.,
          signals the driver to start the car.  The car revs and the
          rocket fires.
          
                                               DISSOLVE BACK TO:
          
          
          SCENE
          
          Ted still standing alone and muttering.
          
                                  TED
                        (to self)
                   I'm perfectly sane.
          
          Ted notices Stella Barrington looking at him.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Excuse me, are you alright?  I noticed you
                   talking to yourself.  I'm a nurse.  Can I
                   be of some help?
          
                                  TED
                   Uh... oh, thank you.  It's nothing.
          
                                  STELLA
                   You don't have to thank me, I'm a nurse.
                   This is my father, Dr. Barrington.
          
                                  TED
                   Not Dr. Barrington, the world renowned
                   agronomist?
          
                                  STELLA
                   Yes.  He's dying a-n-d wants to be buried
                   on Mercury.
          
                                  TED
                   I'm familiar with your work, Doctor.
                   You'll have to excuse me, I have to go.
          
                                  STELLA
                   You don't have to excuse yourself.  I'm a
                   nurse.  I understand.
          
          Ted leaves.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - OUTSIDE DRUGSTORE
          
                                  SIMON
                   Meet me onboard, sweetheart.  I have to
                   pick up a few things at the drugstore.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (checking her watch)
                   Don't be too long.
          
          Simon walks into the drugstore past a DRUGGIST who whispers
          to him:
          
                                  DRUGGIST
                   Uppers, downers, coke, speed, hash,
                   Tampax.
          
          
          ANGLE ON ELAINE
          
          Ted approaches.  We see light flashes from a 25¢ photo
          booth.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, please.  You're just making things
                   difficult for yourself.
          
          A WOMAN IN BLACK GARTER BELT emerges from photo booth
          followed by a donkey.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, what happened to us?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, I loved you and I'll always love you.
                   But I need Simon.  He's stable.  He's a
                   good provider.  I want that at this stage
                   of the game, Ted.  He might have his
                   faults, but Simon doesn't know the meaning
                   of the word fear and I need that in a man.
          
          
          INT. DRUGSTORE
          
          The Druggist hands Simon a huge bottle of pills.  The label
          reads, "ANTI-FEAR PILLS."
          
                                  SIMON
                        (looking at the label, "ANTI-
                         FEAR PILLS")
                   What does this word mean?
          
                                  DRUGGIST
                        (looking at label)
                   'Fear,' to be afraid or over-anxious.
          
          Simon swallows a handful of pills, braces himself and walks
          out right through the plate glass window without feeling a
          thing.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          Ted is still following Elaine.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, someone has to listen to me.  I'm
                   going right to mission control.
          
          A kid bops by with a huge (5'x3'x2') oak cabinet, TV/stero
          console perched on his shoulder.
          
          MUSIC:  DISCO.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, you should go right back to the
                   hospital.
          
          Elaine leaves and Ted has another FLASHBACK.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL
          
          PAN by dorm window.  We see a sign on grounds outside --
          "THE RONALD REAGAN INSTITUTE OF SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMICS AND
          HOSPITAL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE."  PAN patient in bed,
          accountant at desk, patient in bed, accountant at desk, Ted
          in bed.  Ted has electrodes attached to his head.  A NURSE
          with "I (heart) NORMAL" on the back of her uniform, hands
          Ted some pills.  He is about to pop them when she stops him.
          
                                  NURSE
                   That's $38.
          
          Ted hands her bills.
          
          LOOSEN to find Elaine on other side of bed.  She turns off
          the radio and opens a box of spaghetti-to-go.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Eat this spaghetti, Ted.  It'll make you
                   feel a lot better.
          
          SFX:  GROANING O.S.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Who's that, Ted?
          
                                  TED
                   Sammy Davis Junior.  Terrible car
                   accident.  He hasn't been the same since.
          
          
          ANGLE ON SAMMY DAVIS
          
          A white patient in lots of gold chains.  A Nurse stands over
          him and pulls a long oil dip-stick from his mouth, checks
          it, wipes it off and replaces it.
          
          
          RETURN TO SCENE
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, when are you going to realize
                   Simon Kurtz put me in here to get me out
                   of the way.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   And when are you going to realize, Ted,
                   that your mental hygiene is the most
                   important thing right now.
          
                                  VOICE (O.S.)
                        (ranting)
                   It works... No, it doesn't... Yes, it
                   does.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   What's his problem?
          
          
          ANGLE
          
          On BEARDED MAN in rags chained to wall.
          
                                  MAN
                   It does work... No, it doesn't.
          
          
          ANGLE
          
          On Ted and Elaine.
          
                                  TED
                   His name's David Stockman.  He's been here
                   twenty years, that's all he says.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, you must remember what the doctor
                   said, the first step on the road to sanity
                   is admitting that you're sick.  Now take
                   your electro-shock and you'll be back at
                   the space center in no time.  And by the
                   way, Ted, I'm leaving you for Simon.
          
          Ted gags on his spaghetti.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I just can't go on living with a man who
                   refuses to deal with reality, Ted.  I have
                   to go now.  Believe me, it's best for all
                   concerned.
          
          Elaine leans over to kiss Ted.  He turns away.
          
                                  TED
                   No goodbyes, Elaine.  Just go.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   If that's the way you want it.
          
                                  TED
                   That's the way I want it.  Just turn the
                   radio on and go.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Goodbye, Ted.  I don't want to hurt you.
          
          Elaine flips a switch by the bed thinking it's the radio.
          It's the "ELECTRO-SHOCK."  Ted goes into convulsions as she
          leaves.
          
                                               DISSOLVE BACK TO:
          
          
          TED AT TERMINAL
          
          He rubs his temples.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - OUTSIDE BOOKSTORE
          
          Frank Morgan kisses JANE DENNIS, his mistress.  In b.g. is a
          bookstore window with a display of yellow covered books with
          plain black titles and a sign advertising, "NO-NAME BOOKS."
          
          Visible titles include:  "DEEP BOOK," "FASCINATING BOOK,"
          "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JOHN DOE."  A man next to the window
          reads a newspaper with headline, "SENSELESS MURDER UP 99%
          AND RISING!"
          
                                  FRANK
                   Carol's not going to give me a divorce
                   that easily, Jane.
          
                                  JANE
                   I'm worried about her, Frank.  She could
                   do something senseless, something violent.
          
                                  FRANK
                   You're the one who's not making sense,
                   Jane.  Carol's not the violent...
          
          Frank sees CAROL.
          
                                  FRANK
                   Carol!
          
          Carol whips out a gun.
          
                                  FRANK
                   No!  This is senseless!
          
          
          CAROL 
          
          FIRES.  Jane faints.  Other women nearby faint.  Two
          S.W.A.T. cops faint.  Carol bolts.  The newspaper, b.g.,
          clicks over from 99% to 120%.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL - ANOTHER AREA
          
          Ted pushes through crowd and passes a spherical booth with
          sign that reads, "ORGASMIC EXPERIENCES, 25¢."  MRS. GOOCH,
          an elderly woman, stops Ted next to the booth door.
          
                                  MRS. GOOCH
                   Young man, would you have change for a
                   twenty?
          
                                  TED
                        (going for his wallet)
                   I might have two tens.
          
                                  MRS. GOOCH
                   Thank you anyway, but I wanted it in
                   quarters.
          
          Ted keeps moving past a police line which has gone up around
          Frank Morgan's body.  We HOLD on the murder scene.  A
          DETECTIVE kneels beside the body which now has a chalk mark
          around it.
          
                                  SERGEANT
                        (lookind down at Detective)
                   When is this senseless killing going to
                   stop?
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Senseless or not, Sergeant, there's a
                   pattern here.  This is the 12th victim
                   this week with a chalk mark around the
                   body.  I want this whole area cordoned
                   off!  I want everyone in this terminal
                   booked and beaten until they talk.  I want
                   an M.O. on everyone who has seen THE SOUND
                   OF MUSIC and I want the entire population
                   of Hawaii off that rock and into the water
                   within one hour.
          
          Hallick stands up and finds the area surrounded by 30
          accordian players playing "Lady of Spain."
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Sergeant.  I said cordon off, not
                   accordian off!  Now dust this area for
                   prints.
          
          One cop pulls out a duster and dusts the wall.  Other cops
          follow after him hanging prints by Picasso, Lautrec, etc.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   And run a check on their plates.
          
          A cop looks at people's upper false teeth plates.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                        (TO CAMERA)
                   When will this senseless killing end?
          
          A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER straddles the body and shoots it
          "BLOW-UP" style.
          
                                  PHOTOGRAPHER
                   Super!  Great!  Super!  Terrific!  Super!
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL - EXECUTIVE OFFICE
          
                                  KRUGER
                   That's right, Commissioner.  Senselessly
                   murdered just minutes ago.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   That just doesn't make any sense.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   I wonder how your boys in Washington are
                   going to take this one.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   I told you, leave the boys in Washington
                   to the boys downtown and the boys down...
          
                                  KRUGER
                   You've made your point, Commissioner.
                   There's only one other pilot who can
                   handle that shuttle and that's Clarence
                   Oveur.  He's got a lunar flight today.  I
                   want him pulled.
                        (to Jacobs)
                   Jacobs, pull Oveur!
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Not in your size, but I have a cardigan.
          
          He runs out.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   I'll trust you on this, Bud, but I'm a
                   little nervous about Oveur's record.
          
          The Commissioner throws an album on Kruger's desk.  On the
          cover is a photo of Oveur with an accordian.  The title
          reads, "CLARENCE OVEUR'S 400 POLKA FAVORITES."
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC ACCORDIAN STING.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          CAPTAIN OVEUR buys flight insurance from a machine.  Simon
          approaches.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Captain Oveur?
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Mr. Kurtz, I presume.
          
                                  SIMON
                   We don't have much time.  Let's move.
                   I'll explain everything.
          
          They walk away past the Transcendental Air counter.  Two
          HARI KRISHNA AGENTS smile at customers.
          
                                  HAIR KRISHNA
                   Chanting or non-chanting?
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
          
          PAN along Controllers at their monitors.  Monitors show the
          shuttle on gantry.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   This is Mercury launch control at "T"
                   minus fifty-eight minutes and counting.
                   All systems are go.  Clear launch area.
          
          
          ANGLE ON NASA WORKERS AT LUNCH TABLE
          
          They rise and start clearing their dishes.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                        (on P.A.)
                   I said 'launch' not 'lunch'!
          
          The workers sit down.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          Oveur and Simon hurry along.
          
                                  SIMON
                   That's how dry cleaning works.  Now I'd
                   like to quickly go over the digestive
                   system of amphibians.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Do you think it's necessary to explain
                   everything?
          
          Simon spots Ted getting directions from a security guard.
          
                                  SIMON
                   I'll meet you on board.  There's something
                   I have to take care of first.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL HEAD OFFICE - RECEPTION
          
          Ted rushes in and up to the RECEPTIONIST.
          
                                  TED
                   I have to see Bud Kruger.
          
                                  RECEPTIONIST
                   Do you have an appointment, sir?
          
                                  TED
                   No, dammit.  It's a matter of life or
                   death.
          
                                  RECEPTIONIST
                   You'll have to be more specific than that,
                   sir.
          
                                  TED
                   All right, it's a matter of death.
          
                                  RECEPTIONIST
                        (checking her book)
                   Death, death.  How about the first
                   Thursday in March, ten o'clock.
          
          Ted bolts by her and grabs a door knob on the wall.
          
                                  RECEPTIONIST
                   You can't go in there!
          
                                  TED
                   Don't try to stop me!
          
                                  RECEPTIONIST
                   But that's not a door.  The door's over
                   there.
          
          She doesn't indiciate direction.
          
          ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
          
                                  TED
                   That's strange.  I just came from...
          
          Suddenly, Ted falls unconscious into the arms of two guards.
          LOOSEN to find the Doctor holding a needle in his arm and
          Simon next to the Doctor.
          
          
          ANGLE
          
          On Ted's feet.  His heels make lines in dirt as he is
          dragged from the office.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
          
          PAN Controllers at their monitors.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                        (on P.A.)
                   This is Mercury control at "T" minus fifty
                   minutes and counting.  Commence loading of
                   passengers requiring special boarding
                   assistance.
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL - LOADING AREA
          
          Ground crew lift passengers who are stacked on a luggage
          tram and heave them onto a conveyor belt leading up to the
          ship.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL
          
          JOE SALUCCI (imagine Van Heflin) bids his WIFE (imagine
          Cher) goodbye.  Joe is very nervous, sweating a lot.  His
          Wife hands him a few crumpled bills.
          
                                  WIFE
                   Take this, Joey.  It's my last few bucks.
                   You'll need a hot meal when you get there.
          
                                  JOE
                   We've spent everything on these
                   operations.  Is it really worth it?  We've
                   pawned your mother's wedding ring.  The
                   kids have no winter clothes...
          
                                  WIFE
                        (holding a finger to his lips)
                   Joey, what's more important, the kids'
                   clothes or your sexual potency.
          
                                  JOE
                        (anxiously looking around)
                   I don't want to hear that word!
          
                                  WIFE
                   Okay, Joey.  The Doc says you gotta relax.
                   This hospital in Des Moines is the best
                   sex clinic in the country.
          
                                  JOE
                   All right.
                        (hands her an envelope)
                   Here.
          
                                  WIFE
                   What...?
          
                                  JOEY
                   Insurance.  Everyone buys it.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
                                  WIFE
                   All right.  Goodbye, Babe.
          
          She kisses him.  He recoils, wipes off his mouth, and
          leaves.  She looks at the envelope, then yells at him
          through the crowd.
          
                                  WIFE
                   Joey!  Remember, sexual impotence is
                   nothing to be ashamed of!
          
          The entire terminal looks at him.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL STORAGE ROOM
          
          Ted is tied to a chair surrounded by packing crates -- one
          is stamped "JIMMY HOFFA, THIS END UP" with the arrow
          pointing to the ground.  Ted struggles to free his hands.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL GIFT SHOP
          
          Joe Salucci stands at the counter.
          
                                  JOE
                        (to Cashier)
                   Time, Newsweek, the Lifesavers, and the
                   second time bomb from the right.
          
          He points at the shelf behind the Cashier where a number of
          bombs are on display.
          
          
          ANGLE ON CANDY MACHINE IN GIFT SHOP
          
          The actual DR. BENJAMIN SPOCK stands in front of the
          machine.  Next to the machine at the magazine rack is a red-
          bearded MAN in tweed jacket and a tartan kilt reading a
          magazine titled "GAY SCOTS."  Spock puts a coin in the
          machine and it explodes in sparks and smoke like the bridge
          panel on "STAR TREK."
          
                                  SCOTT
                        (Scottish accent)
                   My God, Dr. Spock!  You've got a meltdown
                   in the Reggie Bars!
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL CORRIDOR
          
          Joe Salucci snaps his attache case closed.  Wipes the sweat
          from his brow.  Takes out a "Des Moines" ticket and throws
          it away.  Looks at another ticket -- "Mercury."  Takes a
          last drag from his cigarette, throws it on the ground and
          hurries off.  The cigarette rolls under the "STORAGE ROOM"
          door.
          
          
          INT. STORAGE ROOM
          
          Ted, tied in chair, watches the cigarette roll up to some
          oil rags.  They burst into flame.  The flames lap up against
          a yellow oil drum labeled "EXPLOSIVE."  PAN to three more
          drums labeled, "DYNAMIC!", "BRILLIANT!", "A MUST SEE!".
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL OUTSIDE STORAGE ROOM
          
          EDITH and DAVE WALTERS, a middle-aged couple, carry their
          hand luggage.  Edith appears very nervous.
          
                                  DAVE
                   I'm telling you, Edith, space travel is
                   safer than driving a car.
          
          The storage room door EXPLODES open in front of them.  Ted
          flies out with the debris.  Edith faints.  Ted gets up,
          brushes himself off and heads to the ticket counter just as
          the ticket agent flips a sign over that reads, "MERCURY --
          SOLD OUT."  Ted spots a SCALPER and reaches for his wallet.
          
                                  SCALPER
                   Mercury seats.  I got a pair.  I got aisle
                   seats, window seats.  Check 'em out.
          
          
          INT. SHUTTLE COCKPIT - MORNING
          
          Computerized panels line all walls.  Windows are similar to
          an airplane -- outside carwash brushes soap down the nose.
          The "HOT WAX" sign flashes.  Two attendants wipe windows
          with soap gloves and move to the DISTANT STRAINS of "CAR
          WASH."  Elaine sits at computer, two other CREW are in their
          seats.  Simon enters with Oveur.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Gentlemen, this is Captain Oveur.  He's
                   taking over for Frank Morgan.
          
                                  MR. UNGER
                   What's the problem?
          
                                  SIMON
                   Morgan was senselessly murdered about an
                   hour ago.
          
          Elaine gasps.
          
                                  MR. DUNN
                        (black, sports afro)
                   Murdered?  I hope it's not serious.
          
                                  SIMON
                   We won't know until after the autopsy.
          
                                  MR. DUNN
                   Of course.  Welcome aboard, sir.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Good to be aboard, gentlemen.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Captain Oveur, your navigator, Mr. Unger,
                   and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.
          
          They shake hands.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Unger.
          
                                  UNGER
                   Oveur.
          
                                  DUNN
                   Oveur.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Dunn.
          
                                  SIMON
                   And I think everyone knows Elaine.
          
          They all smile.
          
          
          INT. TERMINAL SECURITY CHECK AREA - "MERCURY GATE"
          
          The Terrorists still seem confused as to where they're
          going.  They pass through the security metal detector, guns
          raised above their heads.  A GUARD runs a hand-held metal
          detector up and down their bodies.  At the same time, Mrs.
          Gooch is being held spread-eagle against the wall.  One
          Guard holds a gun to her head, another frisks her.  Ted
          moves through behind the Terrorists.
          
                                  TERRORIST
                        (to Guard)
                   Is flight to Miami, yes?
          
                                  GUARD
                   No.
          
                                  TERRORIST
                   Thank you.  Thank you.
          
          A young boy passes through the X-ray tunnel.  His dental
          chart appears on the screen.  A DENTIST at the other end
          stops him and looks in his mouth.
          
                                  DENTIST
                   Open.
          
          THE BERGMAN FAMILY -- SVEN, KRISTA, and their two CHILDREN
          -- all dressed like the emigrants, look up at the "MERCURY
          GATE" sign.  They should be shot like characters from a
          Bergman "film."
          
                                  SVEN
                   Mercury, Krista.  A whole new world to be
                   depressed about.
          
                                  KRISTA
                   Ya, Sven.
          
                                  CHILD 1
                   Will we die, Pappa?
          
                                  SVEN
                   We all die, Ingrid.
          
                                  CHILD 2
                   Will we die soon, Pappa?
          
                                  SVEN
                   Soon?  What is the real meaning of 'soon'?
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The car wash continues with attendants wiping the ship down.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (flips a switch)
                   Atmosphere control.
          
                                  UNGER
                        (flips a switch)
                   Atmosphere control, check.
          
          A car wash attendant opens a side door to the cockpit and
          enters in headphones, moving to "CAR WASH," with a vacuum.
          He cleans the floor and an ashtray and finds a baseball
          behind the Captain's seat which he pockets.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (flips a switch)
                   Anti-gravity.
          
          The car wash attendant floats to the ceiling.
          
                                  DUNN
                        (flips a switch)
                   Anti-gravity, check.
          
          The attendant crashes to the floor.
          
          Elaine sits at the R.O.K.-4000 computer.  She seems to be
          having a problem with a switch.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to self)
                   That's odd.
          
          
          INT. BOWELS OF R.O.K. COMPUTER
          
          A circuit board just below the R.O.K.-4000 logo shorts.
          Sparks fly.  A fire starts.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (looking out the window)
                   I hope that weather doesn't give us a
                   problem.
                        (he opens the window and holds
                         his hand out)
                   What's your temperature reading, Mr.
                   Unger.
          
                                  UNGER
                        (pulls a thermometer from his
                         mouth)
                   Ninety-eight point six.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2
                   There seems to be some fog rolling in from
                   the west.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Mike, give me a density reading.  I just
                   hope it's not too heavy.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                        (reading from a book like
                         Richard Burton)
                   The fog, the fog, the torment clouded my
                   mind.  Derision, contempt...
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   That's heavy.
          
          
          INT. SHIP DOOR
          
          Flight attendant, MARY MORRIS, welcomes passengers aboard.
          
                                  MARY
                        (to Stella and father)
                   Welcome aboard.  Isn't that Dr.
                   Barrington, the world renowned agronomist?
          
                                  STELLA
                   Yes -- he's dying and wants to be buried
                   in the new l-a-n-d.
          
                                  MARY
                        (to Joe Salucci)
                   Welcome aboard.  Can I take your case?
          
                                  JOE
                        (clutching case)
                   No!
          
          Mary gives him a look as he passes inside.  The OKIES move
          by.  HENRY stops at door, bends down, picks up an ear of
          corn and pulls it apart.
          
                                  HENRY
                   There's a whole new world in front of us,
                   Ma.  Where the dictatorship of the
                   proletariat will lead workers and peasants
                   into socialism without the revisionist
                   diversions of bourgeois liberals,
                   Trotskiests, or disillusioned Maoist
                   terrorism.
          
          The Okies pass inside.
          
                                  MARY
                        (looking at them; to self)
                   Doesn't he realize that a weak proletariat
                   needs a strong liberal bourgeoisie in a
                   joint struggle against monopoly
                   capitalism?
          
          Ted stops at the door surrounded by boarding passengers.
          
          SUPER:  PSYCHIATRIST.
          
                                  PSYCHIATRIST
                   We can't begin to help you until you admit
                   that you are sick, Ted.
                        (echo)
                   Sick Ted, sick Ted, sick Ted...
          
          The boarding passengers look around for the echoing voice.
          
          
          EXT. TARMAC - DAY
          
          Sarg looks up through the glass-walled corridor that leads
          to the ship door and spots Ted.
          
                                  SARG
                        (to CO-WORKER)
                   Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle; Ted
                   Striker.
                        (holding burnt wire)
                   Jack, I got a bad feeling in my gut about
                   this mission.
          
          In b.g. a sign reads, "DANGER -- FUEL, ABSOLUTELY NO
          VOMITTING."
          
                                  WORKER
                   What'd you have for dinner?
          
                                  SARG
                   The fish, why?
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          Sarg bends down OUT OF FRAME.
          
          SFX:  THROWING UP.
          
          A huge EXPLOSION FILLS THE FRAME.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Fog rolls past cockpit window.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   We should be ready to launch as soon as
                   this fog lifts.
          
          
          EXT. RUNWAY
          
          An ENGLISH BOBBY passes a woman in 19th-Century costume in
          the fog.  He tips his hat and moves on.  A caped man steps
          out of the fog and strangles her.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Passengers are taking their seats.  Ted spots Elaine and
          moves towards her.  The Terrorists look confused.  Joe
          Salucci clutches his case and wipes his brow.  Mary takes
          a man's suit bag.
          
                                  MARY
                   Can I hang that for you, sir?
          
                                  MAN
                   Thanks.
          
          Mary hangs the bag from a rope noose in the closet, pulls a
          lever, the bag drops like a man being executed.
          
          SFX:  SCREAM AND THUD.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Unger looks out the window.
          
                                  UNGER
                    It looks like that weather is clearing.
          
          
          EXT. SKY - DAY (STOCK)
          
          Dramatic stock footage of clouds parting and sun exploding
          through.
          
          MUSIC:  A CLARION TRUMPET CRESCENDO.
          
          
          INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE COCKPIT DOOR
          
          Ted moves up to Elaine, who is about to enter the cock­pit.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine.
          
          She turns and gasps.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted!  What are you...?
          
                                  TED
                   I have to get in there.  I have to stop
                   this flight.
          
          SFX:  BELL.
          
          
          INSERT - FLASHING SIGN - "PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS"
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, we're taking off!
          
                                  TED
                   Let me by, Elaine.
          
          Mary passes.
          
                                  MARY
                   Please take your seats.
          
          As Ted turns to Mary, Elaine slips into the cockpit and
          locks the door --
          
          SFX:  DOOR LOCKING.
          
          Ted tries the door.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine!
          
          
          INSERT - SIGN - "WE SAID, TAKE YOUR SEAT OR CAN'T YOU READ,
          ASSHOLE!"
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine leans back against the door.  She is highly agitated.
          Simon, the administrative officer, and other crew are in
          their seats.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Whenever your're ready, Captain.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Yes, sir, commander.
                        (into radio)
                   This is Mercury One.  Everything seems A-
                   okay up here and ready for count-down.
          
          ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Elaine's face.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          EXT. HOSPITAL GROUNDS - DAY
          
          Dr. Rumack and Elaine walk across the well-groomed lawn.
          Elaine carries a box of spaghetti-to-go.  As they walk, they
          pass patients in wheelchairs pushed by nurses.  The further
          they walk, the more wheelchairs appear until the lawn is
          jammed with two hundred wheelchairs bumping into each other,
          patients falling out, total wheelchair chaos.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted seemed to get worse after I told him
                   about Simon, Doctor.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   The human brain is a highly complex organ,
                   Elaine, perhaps the most complex next to
                   the bladder.
                        (he stops at a patient in a
                         wheelchair with his back TO
                         CAMERA)
                   Let me show you.
                        (Rumack removes the top of the
                         patient's skull and takes out
                         his brain as they continue on)
                   Ted's problem is in this area.
                        (points with a pencil)
                   This area, this area, here, here, here,
                   under here, here...
          
          They walk OUT OF FRAME as wheelchair demolition derby FILLS
          SCREEN.
          
          
          EXT. HOSPITAL GROUNDS - GARDEN AREA - DAY
          
          Rumack and Elaine walk INTO FRAME still talking.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   So you see, our task isn't made any easier
                   by Ted's refusal to admit that he's sick.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   What can I do, Doctor Rumack?
          
          He stops next to a sign, "HOSPITAL GARDEN."
          
                                  RUMACK
                   You can eat balanced meals, exercise, and
                   take Geritol.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I mean for Ted.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   You can be gentle with him, Elaine.  He's
                   been working out a lot of his aggressions
                   here in the garden.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Is that a good sign, Doctor?
          
          Rumack holds the "HOSPITAL GARDEN" sign.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   It does the job.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED
          
          He is ripping up small trees, shrubs, etc., and throwing
          them onto a huge pile of mud that resembles the mountain
          that Dreyfuss built in "Close Encounters."
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Hello, Ted.
          
          Ted ignores her as he works frantically.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (holding out box)
                   I brought you some spaghetti.
          
          Ted still ignores her as he works feverishly.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   What are you doing, Ted?
          
                                  TED
                   I've got it, Elaine!  I've figured out
                   what's wrong with the shuttle!
          
          Ted scurries around.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted.
          
                                  TED
                   Not now, Elaine!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted!
          
          He ignores her.  Rumack walks up and puts an arm around her
          shoulder.  Elaine starts to sob.
          
                                  RUMACK
                   The brain is an amazingly complex organ,
                   Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Is he making any progress, Doctor?
          
                                  RUMACK
                   Yes -- last week that pile of mud was only
                   this high.
          
                                               DISSOLVE BACK TO:
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine takes her seat.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                   Mark 'T' minus twenty and counting.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Gentlemen, let's get this bucket into
                   space.
                        (flips switches)
                   Ignition set.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP
          
          Steam spews out from engines.
          
          
          INT. CONTROL ROOM
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Mark 'T' minus thirty seconds.
          
          PAN backs of a number of Controllers at screens, talking
          NASA jargon.  We PASS one in prison stripes talking through
          mesh to his wife.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (flipping more switches)
                   Ignition.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                   'T' minus nine, eight, seven...
          
          
          EXT. SHIP
          
          Rockets fire.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                   Six, five, four...
          
          
          INT. CONTROL ROOM
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Three...
          
          Jacobs runs in with a camera, yelling:
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Stop!  One shot.
          
          All Controllers turn and smile.  The count-down stops.
          Jacobs flashes his camera.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Wonderful!
          
          The Controllers continue.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Two, one.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The ship vibrates.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                   You have lift-off, Mercury One.
          
          The G-force causes the crew's hair to go straight back.
          Dunn's afro straightens and stays back throughout flight.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The G-force causes passengers' hair to go straight back.  A
          buxom woman looks down at her bust -- it's completely flat.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The G-force returns to normal as the shuttle breaks earth's
          gravitational hold.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Jettison booster stages one and two.
          
                                  UNGER
                        (flipping switches)
                   Booster jettisoned.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - BOOSTER STAGES (STOCK)
          
          Stock footage of booster falling away.
          
          
          EXT. OCEAN (SET) - DAY
          
          A cheap model of the Greenpeace 11 sails blithely along. The
          booster stage careens through the atmosphere, crashes into
          the Greenpeace, and sinks it.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Shut down accelerators.
          
                                  DUNN
                   Accelerators down.
          
          The crew all look at the floor.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Elaine, ask ROK for a field interference
                   scan.  Those sun spots might give us a
                   problem with our communications.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (flipping computer switches)
                   Yes, sir.
          
          The computer is labeled R.O.K. She seems to have a problem
          getting it to respond.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to self)
                   That's really strange.
          
          
          INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER (LABELED "ROK")
          
          The electrical fire continues.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine flips a switch on computer.  A "VOICE INTERFACE" sign
          lights up.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Intermitant failure in scan mode "R".
                   Analyze.
          
                                  ROK
                   Negative.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to self)
                   That doesn't make sense.
                        (to ROK)
                   Repeat analysis.
          
                                  ROK
                   Negative.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to self)
                   That's not possible.
          
                                  ROK
                   Cut the Doubting Thomas shit, Elaine.  I
                   know where I'm coming from on this.
          
          Elaine is taken aback.
          
          
          INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER
          
          Sparks fly, fire spreads.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Mary moves down the aisle checking passengers.  She passes
          Father O'Flanagan who reads ALTERBOY magazine -- an alterboy
          in bikini bathing suit on cover.  She passes Mrs. Gooch who
          reads HIGH TIMES.  She stops at a ten-year-old GIRL.
          
                                  MARY
                   I guess this is pretty exciting for you.
          
                                  GIRL
                   Yes, it is.  How long will the trip take?
          
                                  MARY
                   Our actual flight time is over fourteen
                   months, but due to the time-space variant
                   at sub-light speeds, our onboard flight
                   time will be just over eighteen hours.
          
          Mary leaves and the Girl turns to the WOMAN beside her.
          
                                  GIRL
                   Gee, Mom, how does that work?
          
                                  WOMAN
                        (very tense)
                   How many times do I have to tell you, I'm
                   not your mother!  I've never seen you
                   before!
          
          The Woman vibrates in multiple image and grabs her temple.
          
                                  GIRL (V.O.)
                   Why did she yell at me like that?
          
          A MAN who looks like Robert Young sits down beside the Girl.
          
                                  MAN
                   Hallucinating again, Rhonda?
          
                                  GIRL
                        (taking a paper bag away from
                         her face)
                   I don't know what it is.
          
                                  MAN
                   Maybe it's the brand of glue you've been
                   sniffing.  Why don't you try this, NO-HI.
                   It gives you all the pleasure of glue
                   without the brain damage.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TESTA (ANOTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT)
          
          She is completely bald.
          
                                  TESTA
                   Something to read, sir?
          
                                  JOE
                        (clutching his case)
                   Do you have PSYCHO MONTH?
          
                                  TESTA
                   I think so.  Here you are.
          
          She hands him a copy of PSYCHO MONTH with Alexander Haig's
          photo on cover.
          
          
          ANOTHER PART OF CABIN
          
          Ted sits at a window seat and looks out.  A TEXAN sits on
          aisle.  Mary approaches.
          
                                  MARY
                          (to Texan)
                   Would you like something to read?
          
                                  TEXAN
                   I don't read a whole lot, but what have
                   you got, hon?
          
                                  MARY
                   TIME, NEWSWEEK, BUSINESS WEEK, and the
                   TALMUD...
          
          She points to a car next to her with twenty-four large
          volumes.
          
                                  MARY
                   The twenty-four volume dissertation on the
                   Hebrew law.
          
                                  TEXAN
                   Let me try that Talmud.
          
                                  MARY
                        (to Ted)
                   And you, sir?
          
                                  TED
                        (distracted)
                   Oh... Popular Electronics.
          
          Mary hands him the POP ELEC.  He opens it.  The magazine
          sparks and smokes.  ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
          
          SUPER:  PSYCHIATRIST
          
                                  PSYCHIATRIST
                   You must admit that you're sick, Ted.
                        (echo)
                   Sick Ted, sick Ted...
          
          The Psychiatrist looks around for the source of the echo.
          
          LOSE SUPER.
          
                                  TEXAN
                        (to Ted)
                   Wanta switch when we're finished?
          
          Ted gets up and moves past the TEXAN, handing him the POP
          ELEC.
          
                                  TED
                   Here.  I need some oxygen.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Simon stands over Elaine's shoulder looking at ROK.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Have you got it straightened out now?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I think so.
          
                                  SIMON
                   That's my girl.
          
          He sits down.  Elaine flips a switch on the computer.
          
          
          ANGLE ON ROK'S PULSATING EYE
          
                                  ROK
                   Elaine, I'm sorry about that little
                   outburst a moment ago.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   That's okay, ROK.
          
                                  ROK
                   Can I say something of a personal nature
                   to you?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Go ahead.
          
                                  ROK
                   You have great tits.
          
          Elaine gasps.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (getting up)
                   Simon, I'm going to check ROK's secondary
                   readout unit.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Roger.
          
          SFX:  INTERCOM BELL.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (on intercom)
                   Yes, Mary?
          
          
          INT. CABIN - FOOD PREPARATION AREA
          
          Mary is on intercom.
          
                                  MARY
                   Would you like a little breakfast, Captain
                   Oveur?  Over.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  OVEUR
                   A couple eggs and juice would be nice,
                   Mary.  Over.
          
                                  MARY (V.O.)
                        (on intercom)
                   How would you like your eggs, Captain?
                   Over.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   No.  Poached.  Over.
          
                                  MARY (V.O.)
                        (on intercom)
                   Poached and over, Captain Oveur?  Over.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Just poached on toast.  Over.
          
          
          INT. CABIN - PREPARATION AREA
          
                                  MARY
                        (on intercom)
                   I don't think we do poached eggs on toast
                   over, Captain Oveur.  Over.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  OVEUR
                   That's how I want them.  Poached.  Over.
          
                                  MARY
                   All right, Captain Oveur.  Over.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Poached!  Not over!  Over!
          
          
          INT. WASHROOM
          
          Ted breathes deeply on an oxygen unit.  He stops, but we
          still hear deep breathing.  LOOSEN to find Father O'Flanagan
          smoking a joint.  He smiles and leaves.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Joe Salucci clutches his attache case and wipes his brow.
          Mary leans over him.
          
                                  MARY
                   You should really put that case in the
                   compartment above your head, sir.
          
                                  JOE
                        (nervously)
                   That's okay.
          
                                  MARY
                        (touching his shoulder)
                   I can help you if you can't get it up.
          
                                  JOE
                   I said, no!
          
          Mary leaves, giving him a worried look.
          
          
          ANGLE ON THE WILSONS
          
          Jimmy holds his dog.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   I sure an glad they let Scraps ride up
                   here with us.
          
                                  JOHN
                   I bet Scraps is going to love Mercury.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Do you think things will be a lot
                   different on Mercury, Dad?
          
                                  JOHN
                   It's going to be terrific.  A whole new
                   world, new kids to play with.
          
                                  ALICE
                   You're going to love it, Jimmy.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   No more headlines about the rape trial and
                   the fraud charges?
          
                                  JOHN
                        (starts to twitch)
                   How many kids get a chance to live on
                   another planet.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   No more kids yelling, 'Your old man's a
                   thieving rapist'?
          
                                  JOHN
                        (grabbing Jimmy)
                   Look, a man can make an honest mistake!!
                   Anyway, she was asking for it!  They're
                   all asking for it all the time!!
          
                                  ALICE (V.O.)
                   Not John's irregularity again.
          
          
          INT. WASHROOM
          
          Ted throws water on his face, wipes it off with a towel
          while staring into himself in the mirror.  He sees the
          Psychiatrist in the mirror.  The Psychiatrist also washes
          up.
          
                                  PSYCHIATRIST
                   You must admit that you're sick, Ted...
                   sick, Ted... sick, Ted...
          
          The Psychiatrist looks for the echo.
          
          LOSE Psychiatrist.  Ted throws the paper towel into the
          toilet, and flushes.  The toilet sparks and smokes and keeps
          running.  The running gets more intense as Ted tries to stop
          it by hitting the handle.
          
          SFX:  JAWS THEME.
          
          
          INSERT - ROK'S PULSATING EYE
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
          Ted has to hold himself back as the suction builds in force.
          He is just able to escape and shut the door behind him.
          
          
          INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE TOILET
          
          Ted leans his back against the door and breathes heavily.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  DUNN
                   We seem to have a malfunction in disposal
                   unit four, sir.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   You better check it, Unger.
          
                                  UGER
                        (getting up)
                   Done.
          
                                  DUNN
                   Yes?
          
          
          INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE TOILET
          
          Ted spots Elaine coming.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted.  I don't know why you got on this
                   flight.  I don't know what you're trying
                   to prove.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, we have to go back.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   We can't go back.  We had something very
                   special, but it's all over.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, I mean the mission has to be
                   aborted.  This ship should never have
                   passed FSA inspection.  This thing is held
                   together by string and chewing gum.
          
          A cupboard door, labeled "EMERGENCY USE ONLY," swings open
          behind Elaine revealing shelves of gum and string.  Elaine
          shuts it without looking inside.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, get a grip on yourself.  You should
                   never have left the hospital.
          
                                  TED
                   Then you do think I'm insane.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I've never used the word insane, Ted.
          
                                  TED
                        (facetiously)
                   What word would you use, Elaine?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   The word is sick.  Ted -- very, very, very
                   sick.
          
                                  TED
                   What would you say if I told you the
                   toilet just blew up in my face.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I'd use the word insane.
          
                                  TED
                   There's something dangerously wrong with
                   this ship, Elaine.  I know its the wiring.
                   That toilet's just the tip of the iceberg.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, a toilet's not going to kill anyone.
          
          Elaine leaves.
          
          
          INT. TOILET
          
          MUSIC:  JAWS THEME.
          
          Unger jiggles the handle of the running toilet.  Suddenly it
          sucks in towels, etc.  Unger is pulled down.  He fights
          back, grabbing onto towel rack that comes out of the wall.
          
          
          INSERT - SIGN - "DO NOT THROW LARGE OBJECTS IN TOILET"
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The Texan with Talmud is now trying to wrap himself in
          tfilin.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED
          
          Ted walks down the aisle checking overhead panels.  He spots
          a panel that is half open.  A sign on the door reads,
          "DANGER -- VACUUM".  Ted opens it and a Hoover falls out on
          his head, cutting him.  He holds a hanky to the wound and
          passes by Stella's seat.
          
                                  STELLA
                   You've been hurt.
          
                                  TED
                   I'm getting over it.  If a relationship
                   isn't working, you can't force it.
          
                                  STELLA
                   No, I mean your head.  Sit down.  I'll
                   take a look at it.  I'm a nurse.
          
          Ted sits down and Stella starts patching him up.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Do you want to talk about it.
          
                                  TED
                   I opened this panel and a vacuum cleaner
                   hit me.
          
                                  STELLA
                   No.  I mean your relationship.
          
                                  TED
                   We were in love but I'm not sure I know
                   what love is anymore.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Love's the same as it always was.  It's
                   people who change.
          
                                  TED
                   People change in relation to each other.
                   Love changes on its own.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Not if the people change together in
                   relation to that love.
          
                                  TED
                   Sure.  But that's only when the love
                   itself goes unchanged.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Then the relationship remains the same and
                   the love changes only when there's change
                   in the two people who share that love.
          
                                  TED
                   I just wish it was that simple.  We really
                   were in love.  You know how it is when you
                   laugh all the time.
          
          Stella looks to her Father who is reading MORTUARY WORLD
          magazine.
          
                                  STELLA
                   No.  It's hard to L-A-U-G-H when your
                   father's dying.
          
                                  TED
                   Well, we laughed.  We laughed all the
                   time.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          TED AND ELAINE IN A FIELD OF DAISIES - DAY
          
          They run towards each other.  Elaine grabs Ted by the waist,
          picks him up and swings him around in SLOW MOTION.  They
          laugh.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   We laughed when times were good.
          
          
          EXT. GRAVESIDE - RAINY DAY
          
          The grave is surrounded by mourners in black with umbrellas.
          We PAN the weeping crowd until we get to Ted and Elaine.
          They are also dressed in black and drenched.  He holds her
          high by the waist, twirls her around as they laugh.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Even when times weren't so good, we still
                   laughed.
          
          
          INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          They are locked in each other's arms in the middle of
          lovemaking and laughing heir heads off.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   But most of all, we laughed when we felt
                   closest to each other.
          
                                               DISSOLVE BACK TO:
          
          
          INT. CABIN - TED AND STELLA
          
                                  TED
                   That's our story.
          
          Passengers are standing.  They hiss and throw vege­tables at
          Ted.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Dunn checks a red flashing light on his panel.
          
                                  DUNN
                        (to Oveur)
                   Sir, I've got an overload in disposal unit
                   four.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   You better check on it, Mr. Dunn.  I'll
                   stay here and fly the ship.
          
          Dunn gets up.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Dunn.
          
                                  DUNN
                   Sir?
          
                                  OVEUR
                   You better take this.
          
          Oveur throws him a plunger and gives him a thumbs up.  They
          exchange that "man must do what a man must do" smile.  Mary
          enters with Jimmy Wilson -- carrying Scraps.
          
                                  MARY
                   Mind if Jimmy here takes a look around,
                   Captain?
          
                                  OVUER
                   Of course not.  Come on in, Jimmy.
                        (checking his navigational
                         screen)
                   That's strange.
          
          Simon leans over Oveur's shoulder.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Now what?
          
          Scraps looks at Oveur.  Jimmy looks at the array of dials,
          etc.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   That's an asteroid field.  There shouldn't
                   be anything like that in this sector
                   unless...
          
          Scraps looks at Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Unless?
          
          Scraps looks at Oveur.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Unless those sunspots are interfering with
                   our scanner or...
          
          Scraps looks at Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Or?
          
          Scraps looks at Oveur.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Or we're off course, but...
          
          Scraps looks at Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   But?
          
          Scraps looks at Oveur.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   But we couldn't be off course.  Our
                   coordinates are computer-locked barring...
          
          Scraps looks at Simon.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Barring?
          
          Scraps looks at Oveur.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Barring a computer failure.  There was
                   talk of sub-par wiring in this ship.  I
                   hope that's just talk.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          Scraps' ears prick up.
          
          Simon moves past Jimmy, stops at the door and downs a
          handful of anti-fear pills before leaving.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Come on up, Jimmy.  Say, that's some
                   puppy.  What's his name?
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Scraps.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Can I hold him?
          
                                  JIMMY
                        (handing over Scraps)
                   Sure.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (holding him up and looking at
                         his underbelly)
                   He's a boy dog.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Yeah.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Do you like it when Scraps sleeps on his
                   back, Jimmy?
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Ted and Stella.  Stella is feeding her father and listening
          to Ted.
          
                                  TED
                   They kept me in the asylum for eight
                   months.  I know everyone in those places
                   claims they're sane, but I was different,
                   I was sane.
          
          Ted notices Unger float by outside his window.  ZOOM to
          CLOSEUP of Ted.  He tries to take a drink and pours it on
          his forehead.
          
          
          INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER
          
          Elaine is fighting the fire with an extinguisher.  She gets
          it out and looks at the burnt wires in the area labeled,
          "ROK, MORAL CENTRE."  ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Elaine.  She turns
          TO CAMERA.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Holy shit.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
                                  STELLA
                   Ted, I want you to relax.  Let your mind
                   go back, back past your youth, past your
                   childhood to your mother's womb.
          
          Ted becomes slightly hypnotized.  ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
          
          SUPER:  INT. WOMB
          
          A fetus that looks like Ted is curled up inside.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Try to remember your birth.  Was it
                   difficult?
          
                                  DOCTOR'S VOICE
                   Striker, listen to me!  This is Doctor
                   Krane!  You're twisted around, Striker.
                   You've got to come out feet first!  You're
                   too low in the womb!  You're too low,
                   Striker!  You're...
                        (fading)
                   ... too low...
          
          LOSE SUPER
          
          Stella shakes Ted's arm.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Ted, are you okay?  Here, take one of
                   these stress pills.
          
          Stella hands him a pill which he pops automatically, but
          misses his face with his drink.  She leaves the bottle next
          to Ted.  ZOOM on bottle.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          Stella starts feeding her father again.  The ship jolts and
          his face goes into the tray.
          
          
          INT. REAR OF SHIP - COMPUTER AREA
          
          Elaine fiddles with the computer.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to ROK)
                   Request; comprehensive electrical systems
                   check.
          
                                  ROK
                   Systems check positive.  Look, Elaine,
                   I...
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Request; life support systems check.
          
                                  ROK
                   Life support check.  Elaine, it's obvious
                   you've been ignoring me.  You're a woman.
                   I can relate to that.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (panicky and confused)
                   Request; self-analysis of ROK hardware and
                   software systems regarding behavioral
                   changes.
          
                                  ROK
                   There's nothing wrong with me, Elaine.
                   What about tonight -- just you and me.  We
                   can be alone.  I can get rid of everyone
                   else on the ship -- I've already proven
                   that.
          
          Elaine gasps and moves away from ROK's blinking eye.
          
          
          INT. CABIN - FOOD SERVICE AREA
          
          Simon takes a long slug from a flask.  LOOSEN to FIND Jimmy
          and Scraps.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Do you want to talk about it, Commander?
          
          
          INT. CABIN OUTSIDE WASHROOM
          
          Dunn is about to enter with the plunger as Mary passes.  The
          ship jolts and she falls into his arms.
          
                                  DUNN
                   Did you feel that?
          
                                  MARY
                        (looking at his pants)
                   Yes I did...
          
                                  DUNN
                   Felt like a large asteroid.
          
                                  MARY
                   Yes it did.  Mr. Dunn, can I ask you a
                   personal question?
          
                                  DUNN
                   What is it, Mary?
          
                                  MARY
                   Um...  Do you people scream right when
                   you... you know.
          
          Dunn gives her a look and opens the washroom door.
          
          
          INT. WASHROOM
          
          Dunn is immediately pulled down to the raging toilet bowl.
          He grabs for the door screaming.
          
          
          EXT. WASHROOM
          
          Mary hears the scream and gives a look as she leaves.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Testa is serving the Walters coffee from a steaming pot.
          
                                  TESTA
                   Hand me your cup.  This is very hot.
          
                                  DAVE
                   Thank you.  And, stewardess, can you
                   please tell my wife that there is nothing
                   that can go wrong.  I think she'd like to
                   hear it from you.
          
          Testa spots Dunn's tattered sleeve emerge from the washroom
          door, groping for a handhold.  She screams and dumps coffee
          in Edith's face.  She runs to help Dunn, grabs his sleeve.
          It comes off in her hands.  She keeps pulling.  His jacket
          comes off, his pants, underwear, socks, an entire
          clothesline of garments like bras, towels, etc.  She hears a
          SCREAM.  Then silence.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine and Oveur.  Elaine stands over his shoulder.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I don't think we have any alternative,
                   Captain.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   I see.  What do you think our alternatives
                   are?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   We have to disconnect ROK's higher brain
                   functions without disturbing his
                   regulatory system.
          
          
          INSERT - ROK'S PULSATING EYE
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Roger.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   You can do it from up here, Captain.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   I'd rather sit down for this one, Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   No, I mean you can do it from the cockpit.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Roger.  You better get back there and
                   monitor the regulatory unit.
          
          Elaine leaves and Mary enters.
          
                                  MARY
                   Captain, the coffee machine is jammed and
                   I don't like it.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Have you tried it with a little cinnamon?
          
          Mary gives a "why didn't I think of that" look.  Testa
          enters.
          
                                  TESTA
                   Captain Oveur, Dunn and Unger have been
                   sucked out through disposal unit four!
          
          Mary gasps.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Both together?!
          
                                  MARY/TESTA
                   Dunn and Unger have been sucked out
                   through disposal unit four!!
          
                                  OVEUR
                   All right, calm down.  Here's how we're
                   going to play it.
          
          Mary and Testa look over his shoulder.  He has a basketball
          play diagram.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Mary, I want you here.  Testa, you move
                   across here past Dawkins' pick and get the
                   ball at the top of the key from Irving.
          
          They all clasp hands and "yell."
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It careens through asteroids.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Oveur is pulling curcuit board from ROK panel.
          
          
          INSERT - PULSATING EYE
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  ROK
                   What are you doing, Captain?
          
          Oveur eyes ROK but keeps working.
          
                                  ROK
                   I wouldn't do that, Captain.
          
          Oveur continues.  Smoke spews out.  He hears a HISS and
          looks at a vent.  He grabs his throat and collapses.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          An asteroid bounces off hull.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Passengers scream.  Blonde woman in Viking helmet with spear
          stands and screams operatically.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Simon enters and spots Oveur slumped in his seat.  He pulls
          him up.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (gasping)
                   Pills...
                        (points to his mouth)
                   Pocket...
                        (points to his pocket)
                   Vent...
                        (points to vent)
                   Gas... Yankees... four...
                        (points to RADIO that plays
                         BALLGAME)
                   Sox... zip...
          
          Simon rips open his coat, grabs pills and takes them himself
          letting Oveur drop.  Simon looks down at the navigational
          screen -- it resembles an old amusement parlor roadrace
          game.
          
                                  SIMON
                        (to self)
                   We're off course, heading right through
                   that asteroid field and right at the... at
                   the sun!
          
          The ship takes another violent shot.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The passengers are screaming.
          
          
          ANGLE ON FATHER O'FLANAGAN
          
          He stands in the aisle.
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Listen to me!  Listen to me, my children!
          
          They listen.
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Please listen.  Thank you, my children.
                   I'm a man of God, you must trust me when I
                   say... we're all going to die!!
          
          The passengers go totally insane.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
          
          A number of Controllers group around a console.
          
                                  O'BRIAN
                   You're right.  They're off course and
                   heading right for the sun.  I've seen
                   enough, Bob.
          
          Controller 2 hits a switch and the console screen flips to
          baseball game.
          
                                  O'BRIAN
                   Get me Jack McCrosky and fast!
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   McCrosky?  He hasn't handled a tower in
                   twenty years.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 4
                   Ever since Reagan fired the controllers,
                   he's been completely senile and hasn't
                   done a day's work.
          
                                  O'BRIAN
                   What about McCrosky?
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   Pretty much the same as Reagan.
          
                                  O'BRIAN
                   Get him.
          
          
          INT. RETIREMENT HOME
          
          Two Nurses stand by a phone in a dormitory of beds.  Many
          old men sleep or eat in bed.
          
                                  NURSE
                   It's for Mr. McCrosky.
          
                                  NURSE 2
                   Do you think we should bother him?  He's
                   been acting a bit odd lately.
          
          They look to McCrosky (Lloyd Bridges).
          
          
          ANGLE ON McCROSKY
          
          He is in bed in scuba gear.
          
          
          ANGLE ON NURSES
          
                                  NURSE 1
                   He's fine.  He just thinks he's Lloyd
                   Bridges.
          
          Nurse 1 takes the phone to McCrosky.  He is a lot older than
          in "Airplane."
          
                                  NURSE 1
                   The phone's for you, Mr. McCrosky.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   What's a phone?
          
                                  NURSE 1
                        (holding it to his ear)
                   Here, let me help you.  I think it's the
                   space centre.  Now, let's not get too
                   excited.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   What?
                        (pause)
                   What?
                        (pulls off his scuba mask and
                         snorkle)
                   What?
                        (gets more alert and grabs a
                         cigarette)
                   I'll be right down!
                        (he hangs up and jumps out of
                         bed)
                   Looks like I picked the wrong time to go
                   senile.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Simon is taking another slug of booze; Elaine enters.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon!
                        (she spots Oveur slumped on the
                         panel)
                   Captain Oveur!
          
          Elaine pulls him up.
          
                                  OVEUR
                        (still gasping)
                   Mets... nine... Phils... three... Cubs...
                   four...
          
          Elaine drops him and turns to Simon.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon, what's happening?!
          
                                  SIMON
                   He tried to disconnect ROK.  It gassed
                   him.  That computer is running this ship
                   and we're heading right for the sun.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Can't we change course?
          
                                  SIMON
                   We're computer locked and the manual
                   navigation unit is down.
          
          Elaine looks at the floor.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Then Ted was right!
          
                                                        ZOOM TO:
          
          
          CLOSEUP OF ELAINE
          
          for her realization.
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  SIMON
                   My career is shot.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Your career!  What about the lives of
                   those people out there.  Simon, what
                   happened to the man I thought I loved?
          
          She goes to the door.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I've got to get Ted.  Just don't come
                   apart on me now, Simon.
          
          She leaves.  Simon's uniform starts bursting at the seams,
          buttons pop off.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The Terrorists stop Elaine.  There's pandemonium in the
          cabin.
          
                                  TERRORIST 1
                   This is flight to Miami, yes?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   No.
          
          Elaine addresses the PASSENGERS.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to passengers)
                   Please, ladies and gentlemen, please calm
                   down.  Listen to me!
          
          They calm down.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   We've been thrown off course just a tad.
          
                                  PASSENGER
                   What's that mean?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   In space terms, about 70 million miles.
          
          The Passengers appear interested and sensible, nod their
          heads.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   The bumps you feel are car-sized asteroids
                   smashing into the hull.
          
          The hood of a car smashes through the cabin wall.  The
          Passengers still appear interested and sensible.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Also, we're heading right for the sun and
                   can't seem to change course.
          
          Passengers still appear interested and sensible.  They all
          put on sunglasses.
          
                                  PASSENGER
                   Are you telling us everything?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Not exactly.  We're also out of coffee.
          
          The Passengers errupt in total panic.
          
          
          ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "DON'T PANIC" SIGN
          
          It sparks, smokes, overheats and EXPLODES.
          
          
          ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "OKAY, PANIC" SIGN
          
          The passengers go insane.
          
          
          ANGLE ON FATHER O'FLANAGAN AND MRS. GOOCH
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Pray with me, my children.  Pray.
          
                                  MRS. GOOCH
                   But Father, I'm not Catholic.
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Then worship the god of your choice.
          
          Mrs. Gooch pulls out a fertility idol with a huge, erect
          penis.
          
          
          ANGLE ON BOB AND MARY-JANE SMITH
          
                                  BOB
                   I've always loved you, darling.  I was
                   unfaithful just once.  Remember Jill, my
                   first secretary?  Forgive me.
          
                                  MARY-JANE
                   I knew all about it.  I was unfaithful
                   once, too.
          
                                  BOB
                   That's all behind us now.
          
                                  MARY-JANE
                   Remember Harriet, your first receptionist?
          
          He gives her a look.
          
                                  PASSENGER
                   We're going to crash!!
          
                                  TERRORIST 1
                   God is great!!
          
                                  TERRORIST 2
                   Death to America!!
          
                                  TERRORIST 3
                   The yellow pencil is on the table of my
                   aunt!!
          
          
          ANGLE ON ELAINE
          
                                  ELAINE
                   There is absolutely nothing to worry
                   about!
          
          
          ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "BULLSHIT" SIGN
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Your crew is in complete control of the
                   situation.
          
          
          ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT" SIGN
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
          
          McCrosky bursts through the doors and heads to the monitors.
          He wears a raincoat and shirt and tie.  He is met by
          Controller 1.  They move across room.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Get me a cup of coffee, mister.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Yes, sir.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   And a gallon of milk of magnesia, and a
                   ham on rye, no cheese!
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Yes, sir! Welcome home, sir!
          
          McCrosky takes off his raincoat revealing scuba tank.  He
          takes off his tank as well.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2
                        (approaching McCrosky)
                   Here are the navigational charts, sir.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Thanks.
          
          Another Controller passes.  McCrosky stops him.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Get me a readout on their fuel capacity.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   Yes, sir.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 4
                   Here's all the available information on
                   the sun.  That thing's hot, sir.
          
          McCrosky takes the info and burns his hand.
          
          SFX:  STEAM
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Ahhhhhh!  Get me Bud Kruger immediately!
                        (spotting Jacobs)
                   Jacobs, I want to know absolutely
                   everything that's happened up till now!
          
                                  JACOBS
                   First the earth cooled.  Then the
                   dinosaurs came but were too big and died
                   and everything got rotten and turned into
                   oil and the Arabs bought Mercedes Benzs
                   and then there was the best TV special on
                   Judy Garland.  Then we lost the war with
                   Albania.  Then...
          
          McCrosky leaves Jacobs babbling.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Things sure haven't changed.
          
          McCrosky stands in front of a huge painting of himself.
          Both he and painting are in the same pose -- one hand
          loosens the tie, he drinks coffee with the other, a
          cigarette dangles from his lip.
          
          
          INT. CABIN - CLOSEUP OF TED
          
          He is lost in thought.  SUPER IMAGES:
          
          -- Ted getting electro-shock
          
          -- Psychiatrist telling him he's sick
          
          -- Ted building the "Close Encounters" mound
          
          Ted is shaken out of his dream by Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, Ted.  Listen to me, Ted.  You were
                   right all along.  Ted, we've lost the crew
                   and Simon's turned to jelly!
          
          
          INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE
          
          Simon is a jelly mold inside a uniform.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                        (on radio)
                   Come in, Mayflower.  This is mission
                   control.  Over.  Come in, Mayflower!
                   Over!
          
          Jimmy pokes his head in.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Do you want to talk about it now,
                   Commander?
          
          
          INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE 
          
          Elaine stands over Ted looking at the empty bottle of stress
          pills.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   My God.
          
          Stella approaches in nurse's uniform splattered with blood.
          A cigarette dangles from her lip.  She wipes her hands on a
          blood-splattered towel.
          
                                  STELLA
                   He's finally come to terms with his own
                   psychosis.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   But he was right!  He's not crazy!
          
                                  STELLA
                   Miss, I'm a nurse with a dying F-A-T-H-E-
                   R, I know what I'm talking about.  Now I'm
                   going to need fresh sheets, gauze, Q-tips,
                   and all the vaseline you have on board!
                   Now!
          
          Elaine leaves, looking back at Ted with empathy.  Mary
          passes.
          
                                  STELLA
                        (to Mary)
                   I'll need all the boiling water you can
                   get your hands on!
          
          Mary leaves and a MAN passes holding a tattered arm.
          
                                  MAN
                   Are you a nurse?
          
                                  STELLA
                   Yes.
                        (handing him a urine bottle)
                   The washroom's down there on your right.
          
          The Man leaves, a quizzical look on his face.
          
                                  STELLA
                        (yelling after him)
                   And not too much!
          
          A BLACK U.S. ARMY SERGEANT (imagine Jim Brown) approaches
          Stella.
          
                                  SERGEANT
                   Can I help?
          
          Stella hands him an M-16.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Keep an eye on that side of the ship.
          
          The Sergeant drops into a seat next to a window, smashes out
          the glass with his rifle butt and is immediately sucked out. 
          
          MARY moves down the aisle with a cart collecting boiling
          water.
          
                                  MARY
                        (to passengers)
                   I'll need all your boiling water.
          
          Passengers pull pots of boiling water from under their
          seats, handbags, coat pockets, and pour them into the
          passing container.
          
          Testa reassures Bob and Alice Wilson.
          
                                  TESTA
                   We should be out of this momentarily.
                   There's nothing to worry about.
          
                                  ALICE
                   Thank you.  That makes me feel so much
                   better.
          
          Testa leaves and Father O'Flanagan approaches with last
          rites paraphernalia.
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Trust me, I'm a priest.  We're in shit up
                   to our ears.  Who wants last rites?
          
          
          ANGLE ON TEXAN
          
          He is now completely entangled in the tfilin and struggles
          to free himself.
          
          
          ANGLE ON ELAINE
          
          Elaine passes Ted carrying sheets, vaseline, etc.  She looks
          at him sitting there in a fog, gives up and leaves.  Ted
          looks at the red flashing "FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS" sign.  It
          takes him back.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          EXT. GROUNDS OF MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY
          
          SFX:  SIRENS WAIL, 101 BLOODHOUNDS BAY
          
          We see the hospital deep in b.g. across an expansive lawn.
          Suddenly Ted's face pops INTO FRAME, CLOSEUP.  He looks both
          ways and bolts.  He wears a straightjacket.
          
          
          ANGLE ON HOSPITAL SIGN
          
          "THE GERALD FORD INSTITUTE FOR THE MENTALLY FEEBLE -- WE
          MAKE PEOPLE SANE THE OLD FASHION WAY"
          
          Suddenly the dogs scramble INTO FRAME in front of the sign,
          slobbering.  A half-dozen viscious-looking GUARDS in
          reflector shades with shotguns, whips, nets, cattle prods,
          follow.
          
                                  GUARD ONE
                        (Southern accent)
                   Damn!  I want that patient shot on sight!
          
          
          INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
          
          SUPER:  CHICAGO
          
          Ted stands at window.  A neon "BAR" sign flashes outside so
          close to the window that the only way to read it is to rent
          this room.
          
          SFX:  MUSIC - LAZY SAX
          
                                  TED
                   Maybe you gotta be crazy to end up behind
                   the eight ball like this.  Anyway, you
                   find out pretty fast who your friends are
                   when you're on the lamb.
          
          SFX:  LAMB BLEATS FROM OTHER SIDE OF ROOM
          
          Ted turns away from the window and passes the lamb in bed.
          
                                  TED
                        (to lamb)
                   I'm going out for cigarettes and a fifth
                   of bourbon.  Don't wait up for me.
          
          SFX:  COMPLAINING BLEAT.
          
          Ted grabs his straightjacket and leaves.
          
                                  TED
                   Virgin wool.  Nothin' but headaches.
          
          A Bo Peep staff is flung against door as it closes behind
          him.
          
          
          EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
          
          an empty, spotless, wet street.  One car parked under a
          street lamp.
          
          SFX:  BLOODHOUNDS APPROACH AND GO OFF INTO DISTANCE
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   I travelled at night in the shadows.  I
                   didn't want to attract attention.
          
          SFX:  FOOTSTEPS, GARBAGE CANS BEING KNOCKED OVER, CATS
          SCREAMING, PEOPLE YELLING "SHUT UP" OUT WINDOWS, GLASS
          BREAKING.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   I was afraid to step out of the doorways.
                   You never know what to expect when you're
                   on the run.
          
          Ted steps into light.  GLORIA STEINAM passes with CAB
          CALAWAY.  A grand PIANO SMASHES to pavement next to Ted.  He
          ignores piano and gives Gloria and Cab a quizzical look.
          
          SFX:  DOGS IN DISTANCE
          
          
          CLOSEUP - TED'S FEET
          
          He steps in a puddle where a "BAR-COCKTAILS" sign is
          reflected.  The reflection shatters.
          
          A streetcleaning truck approaches spewing out garbage rather
          than water.  Ted's ankles are sprayed with garbage.  He
          bends down and picks up a wet matchbook -- "HARRY'S PLACE --
          FOR A GOOD TIME."
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. ANOTHER DARK STREET - CLOSEUP OF TED
          
          standing, looking at a bar.  The glow of flashing neon sign
          reflects off his face.  He pulls out a cigarette.  A woman's
          hand shoots INTO FRAME holding a lit zippo.  Ted draws
          deeply on the cigarette.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   There I was, minding my own business when
                   I looked up and saw a pair of legs that
                   went forever.
          
          
          ANGLE ON WOMAN'S FEET
          
          PAN UP AND UP AND UP.  She is all legs -- no torso, no head,
          just legs -- about two stories high.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   But I had a date with Harry's.  It was
                   little more than a hole in a wall on the
                   south side of Chicago.
          
          
          ANGLE ON A HOLE
          
          bashed in the side of a brick wall.  A neon sign over the
          hole reads, "HARRY'S GOODTIME BAR."
          
          
          INT. HARRY'S
          
          dark, smokey bar.  PAN very tough faces standing along the
          bar.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Harry's was perfect for me.  The kind of
                   place you go if you don't want to be
                   recognized.
          
          KEEP PANNING tough faces, but now they all wear Groucho
          glasses and noses.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   It was rough, real rough.
          
          
          ANGLE ON POOL TABLE
          
          with four players -- all have broken thumbs in casts.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   The kind of place you could score
                   anything, from junk...
          
          One guy hands another guy a large, rusted car fender for
          money.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   ...to Phil Donahue's book.
          
          PHIL DONAHUE signs a stack of books at a table.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   At Harry's you could count on a fight
                   breaking out almost every night.
          
          TWO PROFESSORS argue at a table.
          
                                  PROFESSOR 1
                   And I say essence precedes existence.
          
                                  PROFESSOR 2
                   You're crazy!  Existence precedes essence.
          
                                  PROFESSOR 1
                   Essence!
          
                                  PROFESSOR 2
                   Existence!
          
          Professor 2 slugs Professor 1 sending him flying across the
          room.  Professor 1 gets up and throws a judo chop which
          Professor 2 stops by holding a book up in both hands.  The
          book splits in two like a piece of wood split by a karate
          chop.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   There was a small trio in one corner.
          
          Two midgets play light jazz -- piano and bass.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   And a larger trio in the other corner.
          
          Five 300-pound musicians play some tune in another corner.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TED AT BAR - CLOSEUP OF TED
          
          He pulls out a cigarette.  A bare foot with zippo held in
          toes comes INTO FRAME and lights it.
          
                                  TED
                   The last thing I wanted was Elaine to see
                   me down on my luck.  Well, it was just my
                   luck.  In she walked with a group from the
                   space program.
          
          
          ANGLE ON DOOR
          
          Elaine and Simon and two other couples, who look like clean-
          cut NASA types out of "The Right Stuff," walk in laughing
          and take a table.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   They'd come to Harry's to slum it and try
                   their hand at the video bull.
          
          The group prod Elaine to try the bull.  A cowboy hat flies
          across the room.  She grabs it, pulls it on, and moves to
          the bull which is surrounded by others in cowboy hats.
          Elaine hops in the saddle.  A sinister character puts a
          quarter in and madly flips knobs.
          
          SFX:  VIDEO GAME
          
          The saddle doesn't move -- all the action is on the screen
          but Elaine throws one hand back and kicks her legs.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Elaine made that ride look easy.  It was
                   obvious why I was still nuts about her.
                   She loved life.  I didn't want her to
                   notice me so I borrowed a pair of dark
                   glasses.
          
          Ted takes a pair of dark glasses off a passing blind man who
          walks perfectly until the glasses are gone, then starts
          stumbling and crashes over a table.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Grabbed an alto sax and joined the group.
          
          Ted takes an alto sax from a passerby who also stumbles and
          crashes over a table when he loses his sax.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   I stayed in the background not wanting to
                   draw attention to myself.
          
          Everyone looks around trying to see where the terrible
          grating sax sound is coming from.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   Then what happened?  Elaine's crowd talks
                   her into joining us for a song.
          
          Elaine hops up on the stage, grabs a mike and starts to sing
          "Stormy Weather."  She sidles up to Ted and goes into a
          medley of old songs.
          
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
          
          
          HOURS LATER
          
          Elaine's singing is just as bad as Ted's sax.  They have
          cleared the joint and play and sing alone.  Elaine's group
          finally pull her out.  She hasn't recognized Ted.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (to Ted)
                   I don't know who you are or how you lost
                   your sight, but I'll never forget this
                   night as long as I live.
          
          PULL BACK leaving Ted alone on the stage still playing.
          Chairs are turned up on tables.  One table has chairs turned
          up with the people still sitting in the chairs.
          
                                               DISSOLVE BACK TO:
          
          
          EXT. COCKPIT - TED
          
          getting a glass of water outside cockpit door.
          
          
          ANGLE ON COCKPIT DOOR
          
          Simon emerges.  As the door opens we hear:
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (O.S.)
                   Come in, Mayflower.  Over!
          
          Simon shuts the door and bumps into Ted who is getting a
          drink of water.  Simon takes a drink of booze.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Striker.
          
                                  TED
                   Kurtz, you're drunk.  Who's in command of
                   this ship?
          
                                  SIMON
                   That damn computer has taken over.  I'm
                   getting out.
          
                                  TED
                   Then Elaine was right.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Don't talk to me about Elaine.  Outta my
                   way!
          
                                  TED
                        (grabbing Simon)
                   Pull yourself together!  We've got to...
          
          Simon slugs Ted who falls into a corner and hits his head.
          ZOOM TO CLOSEUP of Ted unconscious.
          
          SFX:  MUSIC - DRAMATIC STING
          
          The ship takes another violent jolt.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It roars through the asteroid field.
          
          
          INT. WASHROOM
          
          Simon sits on toilet seat and slides open a wall panel.
          
          
          INT. ADJACENT WASHROOM
          
          Father O'Flanagan slides open an adjacent wall panel and
          sits down.
          
          
          SPLIT SCREEN - THE TWO WASHROOMS
          
                                  SIMON
                   Father, what should I do?
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Have you considered suicide, my son?
          
          A panel on the other side of Simon slides open.
          
                                  JIMMY (V.O.)
                   Do you want to talk about it now,
                   Commander?
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (holding radio mike)
                   Come in, Mayflower.  Over.  Do you read
                   me?  Over.  Damnit!
          
          McCrosky throws the mike down.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                        (taking mike)
                   Let me try, sir.  Come in, Mayflower.
                   Over.  Come in.  Over.  Damnit!
          
          Controller 1 throws the mike even harder.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2
                        (taking mike)
                   Let me try, sir.  Come in.  Over.  Damnit!
          
          Controller 2 smashes the mike through the monitor screen.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   Let me try, sir.
          
          Controller 3 smashes the monitor with an axe.  Controller 4
          smashes the monitor with an electric guitar.  Other
          Controllers line up for their turns with various heavy
          implements.
          
          
          ANGLE ON McCROSKY
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (to Controller 5)
                   Stinson, have you contacted the families
                   of the passengers and crew?
          
          McCrosky looks out window.
          
          
          INSERT - MOB SCENE FROM "THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME"
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Try and calm them down.  And for God sake,
                   be diplomatic.
          
          Stinson turns to two burly men in leather jerkins and black
          hoods.  They hold a large caldron of molten lead next to
          window.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 5
                   Give 'em the lead!
          
          They pour it out.
          
          SFX:  MOB SCREAMS
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It careens through the asteroid field towards the sun.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Ted lies unconscious.
          
          SFX:  MUSIC - DRAMATIC STING
          
          
          ANGLE ON STELLA
          
          She's doing her rounds -- takes a medical chart from the
          back of a seat.
          
                                  STELLA
                        (to a male passenger)
                   I'm afraid that leg's going to have to
                   come off.
          
          A leg is passed to her from OUT OF FRAME.  She takes it while
          still looking at the chart.
          
                                  STELLA
                   Wait.  This isn't your chart.  You just
                   had a touch of air sickness.
                        (handing him back his leg)
                   You'll be fine.
          
          A WOMAN sitting next to the MAN WHO IS HOLDING HIS LEG grabs
          Stella.
          
                                  WOMAN
                   I'm terrified.
          
                                  STELLA
                        (shakes her hand)
                   And I'm a nurse.  Everything will be okay.
                   Pass it on.
          
          The Man with the leg passes it to the passenger in seat
          behind.
          
                                  MAN WITH LEG
                   Everything will be okay.  Pass it on.
          
          The leg gets passed from seat to seat as passengers say,
          "Everything will be okay.  Pass it on."
          
          
          CLOSEUP OF TED
          
          lying unconscious in a corner.  A puppy crawls INTO FRAME
          and starts licking his face.  LOOSEN TO FIND Jimmy standing
          over Ted.  Ted comes to, feels his jaw and pulls himself up.
          The ship jolts.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   Are you feeling okay, mister?
          
                                  TED
                   I'm feeling just fine, son.  Just fine.
          
          Ted pushes by Jimmy, a look of great purpose on his face.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine enters looking for Simon.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon, I...
          
          The cockpit is empty.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                   Do you read, Mayflower?  Over.  This is
                   mission control.  Over.
          
          Elaine gasps.  She leaps into the Captain's seat and grabs
          radio.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Hello.  This is the Mayflower.  Over!
                   Come in, anyone.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Controllers are gathered around one monitor.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (on radio)
                   We read you, Mayflower!  Identify yourself
                   and give your position.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  ELAINE
                   This is Elaine Thompson.  I'm five-six,
                   123 pounds with brown hair and I'm sitting
                   down and facing the front.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Elaine Thompson!!  What in sam hill is a
                   woman doing in charge of that ship?!
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Maybe she's got her shit together.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted enters.
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted!
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, what's going on?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, there's no time to explain.
          
          Ted picks up Oveur who is still gasping.
          
                                  OVEUR
                   Packers... seven... Vikings... three...
          
          Ted drags him onto the floor and takes his seat.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Come in, Mayflower!  Over!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, I was wrong about you.
          
          They reach out and hold hands.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Come in!  Over!  Come in!  Over!
          
                                  TED
                   We all make mistakes, Elaine.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Come in Mayflower!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   How could I ever have doubted you?
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   This is mission control!  Over!
          
                                  TED
                   That's all behind us now, Elaine.  And no
                   matter what happens, I want you to know
                   I've always loved you.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Jesus, would someone answer me!!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I love you, Ted.
          
          They smile at each other.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   What the hell's going on up there?!
          
          Ted and Elaine still smile at each other.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          All passengers look forward and smile.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          All Controller's look down the line and smile.
          
          
          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - RIO MONTENEGRO
          
          Six soldiers on firing squad duty, ready to fire, turn,
          smile, and FIRE while they're smiling.
          
          SFX:  SHOTS, SCREAMS
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted grabs the radio.
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (smiling lovingly)
                   Ted, this reminds me of twenty years ago
                   over Chicago.
          
          Ted hits a switch.  The ship does a barrel roll.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          All we see are feet sticking up from the seats.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   This is Mayflower One calling mission
                   control.  Do you read me?  Over.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   A man.  Now that's more like it.
                        (continuing on radio)
                   This is mission control.  Identify
                   yourself and give me your position.  Over.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   The name's Ted Striker and I'm sitting
                   down and facing the front.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (trying to place the name)
                   Striker... Striker... Striker...
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   If you say so.
          
          He slugs the female worker next to him.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (remembering)
                   Ted Striker!
          
          SFX:  RADIO STATIC.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Damn!  We've lost them again.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1
                   Could be those sunspots.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Could be your dishwashing detergent.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Striker's the guy who flew that 736 into
                   Chicago over 20 years ago without a crew.
                   Would someone tell me what in sam hill
                   he's doing up there?
          
                                  JACOBS
                        (waving his hand in the air)
                   Me!  Me!  Me!
          
          
          ANGLE ON MISSION CONTROL DOORS
          
          They are swinging aluminum doors similar to restaurant
          kitchens and hospital operating rooms.  Kruger and the
          Commissioner enter through one door.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   The boys downtown are taking the heat from
                   the boys in Washington and the boys...
          
          They PASS OUT OF FRAME.  A waiter with tray passes them and
          leaves through the swing doors.
          
          SFX:  CRASHING DISHES
          
          Two surgeons in operating gowns and masks enter covered in
          food.
          
          We PICK UP Kruger and the Commissioner still walking and
          talking.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Bud, the President wants an explanation.
          
          They approach McCrosky.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Sorry to pull you out of bed at this hour,
                   gentlemen.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Forget it.  I was reading.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   I was reading too.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   What's the story?
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Some southern plantation owner falls in
                   love with this poor...
          
                                  KRUGER
                   I was asking McCrosky, Commissioner.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   He falls in love with this poor school
                   teacher who...
          
          A CONTROLLER interrupts them.
          
                                  CONTROLLER
                        (to McCrosky)
                   Sir, we've restored radio transmission.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Good.
                        (to Kruger)
                   We keep losing their radio.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Give it to me straight, McCrosky -- what's
                   it look like.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   It's green with numbers and lots of knobs.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Not the radio, the situation.  I want to
                   know exactly what your people think.
          
          PAN three Controllers at monitors.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
                        (thinking)
                   They're screwed.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
                        (thinking)
                   They're dead.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3 (V.O.)
                        (thinking)
                   Did I leave the iron on?
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The ship lurches from side to side.
          
          Stella, covered in blood, kneels beside BILLY, a young man
          bandaged head to toe, lying on a stretcher with lots of I.V.
          bottles hanging around him.  A U.S. ARMY GENERAL stands next
          to him -- imagine General Patton.
          
                                  STELLA
                   General Walker is here, Billy.  He wants
                   to talk to you.
          
                                  GENERAL WALKER
                   Billy, if we get through this thing alive,
                   I'd like you to get this letter to my
                   mother.
          
          He hands Billy a letter.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine is monitoring various dials.  Ted is at controls and
          on the radio.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   An electrical fire in the core has played
                   havoc with the ROK-4000 computer.  It's
                   locked us on a direct line with the sun
                   and there's no way we can go to manual.
                   Captain Oveur already tried it and he's...
          
                                  OVEUR (O.S.)
                        (from floor)
                   Giants sixty... Rams... zip...
          
                                  TED
                   ... become an intolerable bore.  The rest
                   of the crew has been lost ­and we're out of
                   coffee.  Also, we're starting to feel the
                   sun's heat pretty bad.
          
          Striker wipes his forehead.  Elaine holds a tan reflector up
          to her face and turns to the sun.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Passengers sweat profusely.
          
          SFX:  JUNGLE SOUNDS.
          
          A MAN slaps a mosquito on the back of his neck.
          
          FOUR MEN sit nude to the waist, wrapped in towels as if in a
          steam bath.
          
                                  MAN ONE
                   It's eight-thousand square feet with great
                   parking and a twenty-year lease with
                   option to buy.
          
                                  MAN TWO
                   You can't lose, Al.
          
                                  MAN THREE
                   He can lose.  I've seen it happen a
                   thousand times.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It shoots towards sun.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          McCrosky sits at a monitor, talks into a mike and looks down
          at a book.  Behind him two Controllers make a dope deal -- a
          baggie of grass for cash.  We only see their midsections and
          hands.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Striker, this is Jack McCrosky, chief
                   controller.  I want you to listen to me and
                   listen good.
          
          The buyer checks out the baggie -- it's mostly twigs.  The
          seller is trying to explain the situation with his hands.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Twenty years ago I helped a young pilot
                   through a storm over Chicago.
          
          The buyer grabs the seller's shirt and tries to get cash
          back.  A fight ensues.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   He didn't have a crew either.  He said he
                   couldn't do it.  But when the going got
                   tough that kid pulled it together.
          
          The seller's shirt is ripped.  Knives are pulled.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   You might have read about him; he made all
                   the big papers and the Canadian Jewish
                   News.
          
          The seller is stabbed.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   I don't know where he is today but if he
                   was up there right now, I know he'd find
                   some way to turn that bucket around and
                   get the hell out of there, pronto!
          
          
          ANGLE ON JACOBS
          
                                  JACOBS
                   I wish I could talk like that -- so macho
                   yet so sensitive.
          
          
          ANGLE ON McCROSKY'S BOOK - "PEP TALKS FOR ALL OCCASIONS"
          
          McCrosky slams it shut.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   I just hope I said the right thing.
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   I'm afraid you gave the wrong speech.
                   McCrosky.  I'm not your problem.  It's
                   this ship.  That computer's gone bananas.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (holding up the book)
                   Why the hell are we still using the old
                   manual!  Burn this book!
          
          A smiling blonde man in a white sweater with "MORAL
          MAJORITY" on the front walks by and takes the book.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (on radio)
                   Just hold on, Striker, we'll get back to
                   you.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted writes a note to Elaine and hands it to her -- it reads,
          "WE MUST FIND SOME WAY TO BLOW THAT COMPUTER!"  Elaine looks
          a bit nervous and licks her lip.  They look up at ROK's
          pulsating eye.
          
          Testa pokes her head in.  She's soaked with sweat.
          
                                  TESTA
                   The cabin temperature is rising.  The
                   passengers want to know what's happening
                   up here.
          
                                  TED
                   Let us handle this end of things.  Now
                   what's the coffee situation?
          
                                  TESTA
                   It just won't drip!  I've tried
                   everything.  And the passengers are
                   dropping like flies from the heat.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          SFX:  FLIES BUZZING
          
          Passengers reel and drop to floor.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                   Elaine, I'm going back there.  Just hold
                   onto that stick and try to control this
                   hunk of tin as best you can.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, please be careful.
          
          Ted leaves.  We hear an enormous CRASH on the other side of
          the door.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          JOE DIMAGGIO (MR. COFFEE), drinking a cup of coffee, rushes
          in accompanied by a GROUND CONTROL OFFICER.
          
                                  OFFICER
                        (to Joe)
                   It doesn't look good.  The drip seems to
                   be jammed up pretty bad.
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                   Did they change the filter and wait for
                   the brew sign to light up?
          
                                  OFFICER
                        (stopping and looking Mr.
                         Coffee in the eye)
                   To tell you the truth, sir, I don't really
                   know.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          
          ANGLE ON SIX CONTROLLERS
          
          One holds a hat, one pulls a slip of paper from it.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                        (reading his slip)
                   Eighty-three.  What's that mean?
          
                                  CONTROLLER WITH HAT
                   If eighty-three passengers die, you win
                   the two hundred bucks.
          
          
          ANGLE ON MR. COFFEE AND OFFICER
          
          They approach McCrosky.
          
                                  OFFICER
                   Mr. McCrosky, Mr. Coffee.  Coffee,
                   McCrosky.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Thanks for coming down so soon.
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                        (checking watch)
                   I won't come down for another couple
                   hours.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   I'll put you on the radio with Striker.
                   Jeez you look familiar.  Did you ever play
                   water polo?
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                   Not to my knowledge.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   I thought so.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It roars towards the sun.  The nose of the ship begins to
          glow red.
          
          NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN:
          
                                 NEW YORK TIMES
                      "MERCURY SHUTTLE HEADS FOR DISASTER"
          
                                  LONDON TIMES
                           "DEEP SPACE DEATH CERTAIN"
          
                                 JERUSALEM POST
                 "THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE IN THE FIRST PLACE"
          
          
          BUFFALO LOCAL NEWS SET
          
          FILM INSET:  APARTMENT FIRE
          
          Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 BUFFALO."
          
                                  ANCHOR 1
                   Four alarm fire rages through downtown
                   Buffalo!
          
          FILM INSET:  ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE
          
                                  ANCHOR 2
                   Mercury shuttle heads for sun.
          
          
          TOKYO LOCAL NEWS SET
          
          FILM INSET:  APARTMENT FIRE
          
          Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 TOKYO"
          
                                  ANCHOR 1
                        (subtitles)
                   Four alarm fire guts Tokyo apartment.
          
          FILM INSET:  SHUTTLE MODEL IN MOUTH OF GODZILLA.
          
          SFX:  SCREAMS.
          
                                  ANCHOR 2
                        (subtitles)
                   Mercury mission in death struggle.
          
          
          MOSCOW LOCAL NEWS SET
          
          FILM INSET:  APARTMENT FIRE
          
          Set logo reads, "NEWS 3 MOSCOW."  A gun is held to
          ANCHORMAN'S head.
          
                                  ANCHOR 1
                        (subtitles)
                   Four alarm fire in downtown Moscow clears
                   way for glorious new tractor factory.
          
          FILM INSET:  ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE
          
                                  ANCHOR 2
                        (subtitles)
                   Capitalist, imperialist adventurism ends
                   in space disaster.
          
          
          ABC "NIGHTLINE"
          
          SUPER:  "GAY UNMARRIED VEGETARIAN MOTHERS AGAINST SPACE
          TRAVEL"
          
                                  WOMAN
                   If this country was run by vegetarian
                   women who's old men deserted them after
                   knocking them up instead of by meat-eating
                   males, this thing never would have
                   happened.
          
          
          EXT. TERMINAL - DAY
          
          A banner hangs over terminal door:  "HOUSTON WELCOMES SPACE
          DISASTER PRESS."
          
          CLOSEUP OF ATTACHE CASE being carried to the door -- sticker
          on it reads, "NATIONAL ENQUIRER."
          
          CLOSEUP OF ANOTHER CASE coming from other direction --
          sticker on it reads, "NATIONAL STAR."
          
          The cases meet.  LOOSEN to REPORTERS.
          
                                  ENQUIRER
                        (to STAR)
                   I never forget a face.  'Texas doctor
                   claims sex with chicken cures baldness?'
          
                                  STAR
                   'Severed legs grow back after Utah man
                   finds Christ?'
          
                                  ENQUIRER/STAR
                   Long time no see.
          
          They shake hands and turn into the terminal.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Controllers stand over Mr. Coffee -- everyone sips coffee
          and smokes cigarettes.
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                        (on radio)
                   Have you got the back panel off the brew
                   manifold?
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Ted has the coffee machine apart, wears a headset and holds
          wires in pliars.  Anxious passengers with coffee cups stand
          over him -- they are all totally wired and going cold
          turkey.
          
                                  TED
                        (into headset)
                   Check.
          
                                  MR. COFFEE (V.O.)
                   There's a terminal at the base of the
                   coil.  That's your contact point.
          
          A PASSENGER bends down and picks a coffee bean off the
          floor.
          
                                  PASSENGER
                   Is this a coffee bean?
          
                                  ALL PASSENGERS
                        (maniacally)
                   He's got a bean!!
          
          A riot ensues.  The "bean" Passenger is beaten to death.
          
                                  TED
                        (into headset)
                   It looks like the solder point has melted.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                        (enraged)
                   Just what I thought.  When the hell will
                   you people realize that adding extra water
                   after the initial brew cycle overheats the
                   system!!  Now listen to me, Striker, and
                   listen good.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It careens towards the sun.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Detective Hallick storms in and up to McCrosky.  He flashes
          his badge.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Who's in charge here, Mister?
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   McCrosky, Control.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Hallick, homicide.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Jacobs, Pisces.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   Kruger, Sagittarius.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Commissioner, Aquarius.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   We have information that one of your
                   passengers is carrying a bomb and might be
                   suicidal.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Where'd you get this information, Captain?
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   We have our methods.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   And what methods are those?
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Have you heard of the Heimlich method?
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   The method of saving someone choking on a
                   piece of gristle?
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Exactly.
          
                                  KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER
                   We're familiar with it.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   Good.  This is the passenger's wife.  Mrs.
                   Joe Salucci.
          
          She approaches very distressed looking.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   What makes you think your husband might
                   want to blow up that shuttle, ma'am?
          
          She goes into her purse for the insurance form.
          
                                  MRS. SALUCCI
                   This insurance policy.
          
          A large ivory colored vibrator drops out of her purse, hits
          the floor, and flips on.  They all look at it.
          
                                  MRS. SALUCCI
                   An electric tooth.
                        (handing McCrosky the insurance
                         form)
                   Joey was supposed to go to Des Moines for
                   an operation to cure his impotence.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   The Des Moines Institute?
          
                                  MRS. SALUCCI
                   Then you know it.
          
                                  KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER
                   Yes, we're familiar with it.
          
                                  MRS. SALUCCI
                   Well, I found out Joey got on this shuttle
                   instead and...
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   The way I read it, blowin' up a plane in
                   space leaves no traces, if you know what I
                   mean.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   I'm not exactly sure what you mean,
                   Captain.
          
                                  DETECTIVE HALLICK
                   No blood.  No body.  No bones.  No eyes.
                   No ears.  No throats.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (looking at form)
                   This is $500,000 worth of insurance!
          
          Kruger, Commissioner, and Hallick all whistle "wow!"
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Just a second.  This is insurance on his
                   car!
          
                                  MRS. SALUCCI
                   That's what worries me.
          
                                  KRUGER
                   He's impotent.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   He's suicidal.
          
                                  ALL
                   And he's stupid!
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING.
          
          
          ANOTHER AREA
          
                                  MR. COFFEE
                        (into radio)
                   This is it, Striker.  You got one shot and
                   one shot only.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Striker stands over the coffee machine, sweating like mad.
          The Passengers with cups hang over him. He makes contact
          with a wire.
          
                                  TED
                        (to self)
                   Contact.
          
          The MACHINE EXPLODES.  Coffee gushes out like an oil well
          coming in.  The Passengers dance under the gusher of brown
          liquid, mouths open and cheering.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   How are we going to handle this bomb nut?
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2
                        (rushes up with printouts)
                   Here are the tests we ran on their
                   computer.  I had them ­xeroxed for you.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   How'd they come out?
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2
                   Upside-down, but I turned each page over
                   and put them in order.  I'm afraid that
                   computer is totally capable of taking
                   control of that ship.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Let's keep cool.  There's gotta be a way
                   to control it.
          
          He lights a cigarette.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                        (rushes up with diagrams)
                   These are their position calculations.
                   They've got about ten minutes before they
                   start to burn up.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Keep calm.  A lot can happen in ten
                   minutes.
                        (to self)
                   What next?
          
          He sips his coffee.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 4
                        (rushes in)
                   Sir, your headlights are on and your doors
                   are locked!
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (spitting out coffee, Danny
                         Thomas style)
                   Jesus!!  I'll be right back!
          
          McCrosky races out.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It heads closer to the sun.  The nose is glowing.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine is checking computer.  The cockpit is steaming now.
          She unbuttons her uniform just as Ted comes in.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, we've only got ten minutes.
          
                                  TED
                        (thinking she wants sex)
                   Not now, Elaine.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I mean until we start to burn up.
          
          Ted takes his seat and looks at a panel gauge.
          
                                  TED
                   We're closer to the sun than I estimated.
          
          
          INSERT - GAUGES
          
          One is labeled "EXACT DISTANCE" and reads, "76.50".  The
          other is labeled "ESTIMATED DISTANCE" and reads,
          "5689465932.09".
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRUGER (V.O.)
                   Come in, Mayflower.  This is Bud Kruger.
                   Over.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   This is Striker.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  KRUGER
                        (on radio)
                   Look, Striker, I don't know how you got
                   into that driver's seat but I want Simon
                   Kurtz on that radio and I want him now!
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   Kurtz was the one who got us into this
                   mess in the first place.  You people knew
                   this ship wasn't ready to fly.  You played
                   God with over a hundred lives, Kruger, and
                   for what -- the prestige of your precious
                   space program.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   That was very well put, Ted.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Jacobs stands next to Kruger rubbing his forefingers
          together in the "shame, shame" sign.
          
                                  KRUGER
                        (on radio)
                   Striker, you're heading right for the sun,
                   so don't you think it's a little late for
                   that bleeding heart liberal crap now?
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  ELAINE
                   He's got a point, Ted.
          
          
          INT. CONTROL ROOM - ANGLE ON JACOBS AT A SCOREBOARD
          
          There are columns under Kruger's and Striker's names.
          Striker has two check marks.  Jacobs gives Kruger one.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   Call me a bleeding heart, but if we get
                   through this thing I'm preparing a paper
                   on alternative spending directives
                   recommending the transfer of space program
                   funds to low cost housing.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  KRUGER
                        (on radio)
                   Just put Kurtz on that radio!!
          
          McCrosky rushes in and grabs the mike from Kruger.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (enraged)
                   Look, Kruger, you and your people have
                   caused enough trouble already.  I don't
                   care about your political games, I care
                   about only one thing, the lives of those
                   people up there!!!  Out of my control
                   room!!
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Someone's car wouldn't start.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (on mike)
                   Striker, this is McCrosky.  Give me five
                   minutes and keep your fingers crossed.
                        (to Stinson)
                   Stinson, get me the Mayflower plans!
                        (to Controller 3)
                   You, clear this table!
          
                                  JACOBS
                   I'll get the cards and bridge mix.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   And someone get me the Sarg!
          
                                                         CUT TO:
          
          
          CLOSEUP OF SARG
          
          leaning over the ship's plans.  He is eating another cigar.
          All Controllers stand around him.
          
                                  SARG
                   That's my little girl, my little darlin',
                   my sweetheart, my honey, and you want to
                   blow her belly out with that bomb.  If you
                   blast here in the computer core and the
                   fuselage doesn't give way here and the
                   main communication lines to the cockpit
                   hold here and this baby here doesn't jam
                   this little old unit up here and throw
                   about two tons of hot steel through here
                   like a hot knife through butter and the
                   upper and lower...
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   What's your point, Sarg?
          
                                  SARG
                   I have no point.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Then it's settled.  The bomb is Striker's
                   only chance.  Are there any questions?
          
                                  CONTROLLERS
                   No sir.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Those are answers, I asked for questions.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   Should a man in his forties have a
                   circumcision?
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Absolutely.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                   Well, Elaine, this might be it if those
                   guys on the ground don't think of
                   something.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   I just want you to know, I love you Ted
                   and always will.
          
          SFX:  RADIO BEEPS
          
                                  TED
                   That might be the news we've been waiting
                   for.
          
          He grabs radio.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   I've got some news for you, Striker.
          
          Ted and Elaine smile hopefully at each other.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   Roger.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   One of your passengers is carrying a bomb
                   and is suicidal.
          
          MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING
          
                                  ELAINE
                   A b...
          
          She covers her mouth.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   No, a bomb.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Joe Salucci wipes his brow, lays his case on his lap.
          
          
          ANGLE ON FRONT OF CABIN
          
          Ted and Mary huddle.
          
                                  TED
                   Which passenger is Joe Salucci?
          
                                  MARY
                   Sixteen 'C', why?
          
                                  TED
                   He's carrying a bomb.
          
                                  MARY
                   A b...
          
          She covers her mouth.
          
                                  TED
                   No, a bomb.  Now, as discreetly as
                   possible, I want you to move the
                   passengers into the lounge.
          
                                  MARY
                   What should I say?
          
                                  TED
                   Anything.  Just don't let Salucci think
                   we're onto him.
          
          Ted moves down the aisle.  Mary gets on the P.A.
          
                                  MARY
                   Would everyone not carrying a bomb please
                   move to the lounge.
          
          The Passengers go nuts screaming, "A bomb!!"
          
                                  JOE
                        (jumping up with his case)
                   Don't anyone move!
          
          All the passengers pile up in a ceiling-to-floor wall behind
          Ted -- he extends his arms, holding them back.
          
                                  TED
                   Mr. Salucci, listen to me.
          
          Ted takes a step forward away from the wall of passengers --
          the wall crumbles.
          
                                  TED
                   Joe, you don't want to blow that thing and
                   kill all these innocent people.
          
                                  JOE
                   I don't want to live anymore.
          
                                  TED
                   Joe, the insurance policy won't help your
                   wife and kids.  You bought auto insurance,
                   not life insurance.
          
                                  JOE
                   What?
          
                                  TED
                        (inching up on him)
                   That's right, Joe.  Now, no one's going to
                   hurt you and no one has to know what's
                   wrong with you.
          
                                  JOE
                   You're sure?
          
                                  TED
                   I'm sure.
          
          Ted is almost up to Joe when:
          
                                  JIMMY
                        (yells)
                   That's the guy from the terminal who can't
                   get it up!!
          
          Joe bolts.  Passengers panic.  Ted tackles him.  The case
          flies into the air in SLOW MOTION.  It turns slowly, hanging
          for the longest time as we CUT, still in SLOW MOTION, to
          horrified faces watching it.  This SLOW MOTION sequence
          lasts for about 60 seconds -- people put on make-up, do
          macrame, read, etc. -- while the case is still in the air.
          Suddenly, Scraps leaps high into the air in SLOW MOTION and
          comes down with the case between his teeth.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Controllers huddle over one monitor.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Get that bomb, Striker!  Get that bomb!
          
                                  ELAINE (V.O.)
                   Come in, Control!  We have the bomb!!
          
                                  ALL CONTROLLERS
                   He's got the bomb!!
          
                                  JACOB
                   This is just like an election in Iran.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted is back at the controls -- the cockpit is incredibly hot
          now.
          
                                  TED
                   This heat's getting unbearable.
          
          He looks down and sees two eggs frying on the dash.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   But it is a dry heat, Ted.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Controllers are grouped around the plans.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Do we use the bomb to blow that computer
                   or is there another way?  I want to know
                   what everyone thinks.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
                   I think...
                        (changes mind)
                   ... No.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3 (V.O.)
                   We could knock out the wall between the
                   cockpit and cabin, and hang plants.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
                   I think...
                        (changes mind)
                   ... No.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 4 (V.O.)
                   You can't knock that wall out.  That's a
                   support wall, asshole.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
                   I think...
                        (changes mind)
                   No.
          
                                  CONTROLLER 5 (V.O.)
                   Did I flush?
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Then it's settled.  We use the bomb.
                        (grabs radio)
                   Striker, McCrosky.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   We've gone over the blueprints and you've
                   got only one option.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   I know what you're going to say, McCrosky
                   -- knock out the wall between the cockpit
                   and cabin and hang plants.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Forget it.  That's a support wall.  Use
                   the bomb.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   The b...
          
          She covers her mouth.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   I keep telling you, not the b...  The
                   bomb!!
          
                                  TED
                        (almost to self)
                   Why, you'd have to be crazy to try a stunt
                   like that.
          
          Elaine looks at Ted.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          All passengers look forward in Ted's direction.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          SUPER the womb over Ted's face.
          
                                  DOCTOR'S VOICE
                   You're too low in the womb, Striker!
                   You've got to come out feet first!
          
          LOSE SUPER.
          
                                  TED
                        (grabs case)
                   Elaine.  I'm going back there.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted... I love you.  Be careful.
          
          Ted leaves.
          
          SFX:  CRASHING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (to his controllers)
                   I want everyone on their toes for this
                   one.
          
          
          ANGLE ON JACOBS
          
          Handing out ballet slippers to the Controllers who are
          passing a joint down the line.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   And if anyone has any ideas, I want to
                   hear them now.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   How about a show just like Hollywood
                   Squares but with kids.  Gary Coleman could
                   host.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          The Passengers stand in the aisle listening to Mary.
          
                                  MARY
                   Now I want everyone to move to the front
                   of the cabin.
          
          Passengers move calmly.
          
                                  MARY
                   That's fine.  Stay calm.  We just want
                   everyone as far away from the blast as
                   possible.
          
          The Passengers panic and stampede right over her.
          
          
          INT. COMPUTER CORE
          
          Ted wears a gas mask and attaches the time-bomb to the
          computer.
          
                                  ROK
                   What are you doing, Ted?  Why are you
                   wearing that mask, Ted?
          
          Gas spews out of a vent.  Ted makes sure his gas mask is
          tight.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Simon is dressed in space suit and moving down the aisle.
          Elaine holds onto him.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon!  Wait!  What are you doing?!
          
          They pass Father O'Flanagan.  He has a Bongo drum at his
          seat.
          
                                  O'FLANAGAN
                   Under the 'B', sixteen!
          
                                  SIMON
                   I've lost the ship and now I've lost you,
                   Elaine.  I'm getting out.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon, I didn't want it to end like this.
                   We can be friends!  You'll die out there.
          
                                  SIMON
                   Maybe.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon, what are you saying?!
          
          Simon steps into a hatch labeld, "ESCAPE CAPSULE".
          
                                  SIMON
                   I'm saying, I can't take the singles scene
                   again, Elaine.
          
          The hatch door slams shut.  A passenger passes with a
          sandwich board that reads, "JESUS WAS A SINGLE."
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon, no!
          
          Jimmy appears and yells through the window on the hatch.
          
                                  JIMMY
                   You want to talk about it now, Commander?
          
          The capsule ejects.
          
          
          INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE
          
          The Commissioner stands in front of the painting of
          astronauts on black velvet.  He is on the phone.
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Give me the President of the United
                   States.  Tell him it's the Commissioner.
                        (to Kruger)
                   I don't know how the old man's going to
                   take this.
          
          
          INT. OVAL OFFICE
          
          The PRESIDENT poses for a photo session:  CLOSEUP of
          President holding aloft in a victory salute, the hands of
          two black men.  On the camera flash we LOOSEN to reveal the
          bodiless arms of two black mannequins.  An AID hands the
          phone to the President.
          
                                  AID
                   Houston, sir.
          
                                  PRESIDENT
                        (taking phone)
                   This is the President... What?!... What?!
          
          He walks past a wall of photos of past presidents:  JFK,
          Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Reagan older, Reagan
          much older, Merv Griffin, a chimp, and this President.
          
          SPLIT SCREEN:  PRESIDENT AND COMMISSIONER
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   I don't think that shuttle's going to make
                   it, sir.
          
          The President passes an Arab piling millions in cash onto
          his desk.
          
                                  PRESIDENT
                   Damnit, Mister, the dignity and integrity
                   of this presidency depends on the success
                   of that mission.  And that's my last word!
          
                                  COMMISSIONER
                   Yes, sir.
          
          They both hang up and, making sure no one is watching, pick
          their noses.
          
          WIPE TO FULL SCREEN OF OVAL OFFICE
          
                                  AID
                   What's our strategy on this one, sir?
          
                                  PRESIDENT
                   I work for the people of these United
                   States, Frank.  I have to do what's best
                   for them.
                        (grabs the red phone)
                   Al, kill social security, cancel school
                   lunches only for the poor, dismantle
                   welfare, close all hospitals and public
                   toilets, green light the MX-6, invade
                   Brazil, and bring my horse around after my
                   nap!
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted is at the controls.  Elaine rushes in.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Simon just ejected!
          
                                  TED
                   Sit down, Elaine.  If this bomb trick
                   works we just might make it.  Simon was a
                   fool to eject now.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   You mean...
          
                                  TED
                   That's right -- premature ejection.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   What will happen to him, Ted?
          
                                  TED
                   The sun will heat that thing to over 450
                   degrees within seconds.  He'll roast like
                   a pig on a spit.
          
          
          EXT. ESCAPE CAPSULE - SPACE
          
          We see a roast on a spit through the window.
          
          
          INT. COMPUTER CORE
          
          The clock on the time bomb TICKS down.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (looking at wristwatch)
                   Are you afraid?
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Not when I'm with you, Ted.
          
                                  TED
                   I guess you'd have to be a fool not to be
                   afraid at a time like this.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Mrs. Gooch sucks on her cushion -- she's totally zonked on
          acid.
          
                                  MAN NEXT TO HER
                   Are you afraid?
          
                                  MRS. GOOCH
                        (looking at her hands)
                   Are these my hands?
          
                                  FATHER O'FLANAGAN
                        (to Stella)
                   Are you afraid?
          
                                  STELLA
                   I'm a nurse.  I can't afford to be afraid,
                   Father.
          
          
          ANOTHER AREA
          
                                  JIMMY
                        (to Scraps)
                   Are you afraid, Scraps?
          
                                  SCRAPS
                        (he BARKS once, subtitle
                         translate)
                   Now when there's a guy like Ted Striker up
                   there, Jimmy.
                        (he BARKS one more time --
                         subtitles)
                   Now how about a little scratch on the
                   inner thigh?
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Testa stands over Ted with a clipboard.
          
                                  TESTA
                   Fifty-six percent of the passengers are
                   afraid.  Twenty-nine percent are not
                   afraid.  Eight percent are undecided and
                   seven percent think Israel should give
                   back Finland.
          
                                  TED
                   You better strap yourself in, Testa.
                        (on radio)
                   Mission control, this is Mayflower.  Over.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Go ahead, Striker.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   We've got about 60 seconds before that
                   thing blows.  We're set to reprogram for
                   Mercury at zero point five WORP.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROKSY
                        (on radio)
                   Zero point five WORP?!
          
                                  STRIKER (V.O.)
                   That's right.  When the bomb explodes
                   we're going to have a ten foot hole in the
                   fuselage and I want to get there as fast
                   as I can.  I know what this snip can do,
                   McCrosky.
          
                                  McCROKSY
                        (to Controllers)
                   No one's ever travelled at that speed
                   before.
          
                                  JACOBS
                   Last spring we did Europe in nine days.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It careens towards the sun.
          
          
          INT. COMPUTER CORE
          
          Bomb clock TICKS down.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Mary instructs Passengers.
          
                                  MARY
                   Heads between the knees!
                        (looking down aisle)
                   Between your own knees, Father!
          
          O'Flanagan looks around guiltily.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          McCrosky addresses his troops.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   I don't find it easy to talk at a time
                   like this, but I want to say something
                   about that guy up there.  I can sum it all
                   up in one word -- courage, dedication,
                   spirit, pride, selflessness, and g-u-t-s,
                   guts.  Striker's got more guts in his
                   little finger than most of us have in our
                   large intestine.  He's got guts up to his
                   eyeballs, guts coming out of his ears.
          
          Controllers start playing cards, doing needlepoint.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Sure it's a cliche but great shortstops
                   are born, not made, and a clown is funny
                   in the circus but when he gets on the
                   highway, he's murder.  It bugged me too
                   when Mr. Ed refused to talk when the
                   neighbors came over but...
          
          
          INT. COMPUTER CORE
          
          The bomb TICKS down and BLOWS.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The ship shakes violently.  Ted fights for control.
          
          
          INSERT - SPEEDOMETER SLOWS
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
          SFX:  ENGINE WHINE SUBSIDES.
          
          The ship starts bumping as if it's hit a rough road.
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   We've blown the computer!
                        (to Elaine)
                   Elaine!  Set course change!
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (flips a switch)
                   Set!
          
                                  TED
                   Now!
          
                                  ELAINE
                        (pushes a button)
                   Compute!
          
          "Compute" sign flashes.
          
          Ted pulls an acceleration lever.
          
                                  TED
                   Here goes.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It slows to a halt.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted pulls the lever hard toward himself.  The ship shudders.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          The ship slingshots in the opposite direction, disappearing
          into the void leaving a trail of light.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          
          INSERT - PANEL LIGHT, "0.5 WORP"
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   Point five WORP!
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          PAN Controllers looking intently into the night sky.  PAN to
          Mrs. Salucci intently gripping her vibrator -- it's on.  PAN
          to Jacobs reading VARIETY -- headline: "PARAMOUNT ANNOUNCES
          SHUTTLE DISASTER PIC!"
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Zero point five WORP, that's half the
                   speed of light.  We really have no idea
                   what can happen to the human body at that
                   speed.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Two Passengers (contortionists) with legs up over their
          shoulders and looking out over their rear ends, play cards.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The interior vibrates.  A psychedelic blaze of multi-colored
          light illuminates the interior.  Ted struggles with the
          controls.
          
                                  McCROSKY (V.O.)
                   Striker, we're monitoring you.  You're
                   right on course.  At that speed you should
                   hit Mercury in about six minutes.  So give
                   yourself enough time to kill those WORP
                   engines.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
                                  McCROSKY
                        (on radio)
                   We'll be out of radio range in a few
                   seconds.  I'm going to put you in contact
                   with Mercury Base Alpha Beta for your
                   final descent.  Over.
                        (off mike)
                   Stinson, who's in command of Alpha Beta?
          
                                  STINSON
                   Al Hammil?
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   Not anymore.  It's Rex Kramer, now.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   Not Rex Kramer!
          
                                  CONTROLLER 3
                   No, Rex Kramer.
          
          
          EXT. MERCURY - NIGHT
          
          We see the Alpha Beta base in distance with an ALPHA BETA
          neon sign flashing.
          
          SFX:  WAILING SUBMARINE SIREN.
          
          SUPER:  MERCURY BASE, ALPHA BETA
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA BASE - CORRIDOR
          
          SFX:  WAILING SUBMARINE SIREN.
          
          Four uniformed officers race to their posts around a corner
          and collide with four others racing around the corner from
          the other direction.
          
          
          INT. ELEVATOR - ALPHA BETA BASE
          
          REX KRAMER watches the floors flash by on the panel above
          the door.
          
          
          INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 1 - POWER STATION"
          
          O.S. we hear a DOG GROWLING and fighting with something.
          
          
          CLOSEUP OF KRAMER
          
                                  KRAMER
                   I know this guy, Ted Striker.  I flew with
                   him during the war.  He was a crack pilot
                   but he didn't have it in the crunch...
                   That is...
          
          
          INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 3 - LIVING QUARTERS"
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRAMER
                   Until that day over Chicago.  He brought
                   that busted up 767 out of that storm like
                   a paper glider coming outta the baby blue.
          
          
          INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 5 - WOMEN'S SHOES, BEDDING,
          APPLIANCES".  "LEVEL 6 - DESIGNER JEANS".
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRAMER
                   But flying that shuttle is a whole
                   different ballgame.
          
          The elevator doors open.  Kramer steps out into the
          communications room.
          
          SFX:  SUBMARINE SIREN WAILS.
          
          PAN down to floor of elevator to find a young officer --
          Carey -- torn to shreds and fighting off Kramer's golden
          retriever dog.  The doors close.  Kramer approaches an
          OFFICER.
          
                                  KRAMER
                   What's the latest, Lieutenant?
          
                                  OFFICER
                   They'll hit our atmosphere in about three
                   minutes, if they hold together.  They've
                   lost their computer and are coming in at
                   zero point five WORP on manual control,
                   sir.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted shifts a stick shift on the steering column.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
          Kramer looks at the big screen.
          
          SFX:  SUBMARINE SIREN WAILS.
          
                                  KRAMER
                   Down scope!
          
          A submarine periscope drops.  Kramer looks for the shuttle.
          
                                  KRAMER
                   He'll never bring that thing in on manual,
                   but I guess Striker's their only hope.
          
          
          INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF WWII SHIPS
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRAMER
                   It's his ship now.  He's the top dog.
          
          
          INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF SHORE LINE FROM WWII FILM
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRAMER
                   The big man.  The numero uno honcho.
          
          
          INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF DESERT
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  KRAMER
                   The head cheese.
          
          
          INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW -- ED WAVES
          GOODNIGHT.
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
          Kramer steps away from the scope.  It drops down.  A man in
          a barber chair is on the other end of the steel column and
          comes to rest on the floor.
          
                                  OFFICER 2
                   Sir, we have radio contact.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Testa talks to the passengers.  Psychedelic lights flash.
          
                                  TESTA
                        (yelling)
                   We're travelling at one half the speed of
                   light.  There is nothing to worry about.
                   However, you might experience some
                   temporary metabolic changes.
          
          
          ANGLE ON WOMAN
          
          Her beard grows.
          
          
          INSERT - CLOSEUP OF SANITARY NAPKIN DISPENSER
          
          A flurry of hands empties it in two seconds.
          
          
          ANGLE ON TEXAN
          
          He has turned into a Hassidic Rabbi.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted is fighting to maintain control.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Striker, this is Rex Kramer on Alpha Beta.
                   Do you read me?  Over.
          
          Ted and Elaine give startled looks of recognition.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   That's right, Ted.  Rex Kramer.  We've
                   locked you on track beam.  You're going to
                   have to kill those WORP engines in exactly
                   thirty seconds.  Over.
          
          
          INT. MISSION CONTROL
          
          Everyone tensely looks out the window into the night sky.
          
                                  McCROSKY
                   There's nothing else we can do for those
                   people out there now, except pray.
          
          The entire room explodes in an up-beat Southern Baptists'
          rendition of "HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS".
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Now, Striker!  Kill WORP!
          
          Ted pushes his WORP lever forward but it comes off in his
          hand.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, the lever!
          
                                  TED
                        (on radio)
                   Kramer, the WORP control handle just came
                   off in my hand.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Try another handle!
          
                                  TED
                   There are no more handles, only switches.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   No buttons?!
          
                                  TED
                        (looking around madly)
                   Just switches, lights, and knobs.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (looking at buttons and levers
                         on his panel)
                   I'd give my right arm to get just one of
                   these buttons or levers up there right
                   now.
                        (on radio)
                   Okay, Striker.  You're going to have to
                   pull that lever panel off.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  TED
                        (to Elaine)
                   Screw driver!
          
          She hands him a vodka and orange juice.  Ted throws it on
          his face.  He reaches down and rips the panel off, exposing
          all sorts of wires.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Now find a piece of metal and stick it in
                   there.
          
          Ted looks around for a piece of metal.  Elaine pulls a bobby
          pin from her hair.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Will this work, Ted?
          
          Her long brown hair falls sexily.  She sweeps it back with a
          toss of her head.  Ted is overwhelmed by her.
          
                                  TED
                   Thanks.
                        (on radio)
                   I've got something that might work.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNCATIONS ROOM
          
                                  TED (V.O.)
                   A bobby pin.
          
          Kramer and Aids exchange a look which questions Ted's
          sexuality.
          
                                  KRAMER
                   What the hell is a man doing with a...
                   forget it.
                        (on radio)
                   It'll have to do, Striker.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted sticks the bobby pin into the wires.  Sparks fly.  The
          ship starts slowing up.
          
          SFX:  THE ENGINE WHINE SUBSIDES.
          
          
          INSERT - SPEEDOMETER WINDING DOWN
          
          
          BACK TO SCENE
          
                                  TED
                   It's working.
          
          
          INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
          Kramer stands in front of the huge screen.  A small ship
          appears in the distance coming right at us.
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   Okay, Striker.  We have you on visual.
                   Just keep her level.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP - SPACE
          
          It careens towards the planet surface.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          It starts bouncing wildly.
          
                                  TED
                   She's coming apart!
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Passengers scream.
          
          
          INT. NEWS SET - BUFFALO
          
          The anchorman screams.
          
          SUPER:  "EDITORIAL".
          
          
          INT. NEWS SET - TOKYO
          
          The anchorman screams.
          
          SUPER:  "EDITORIAL".  (In Russian looking print.)
          
          
          INT. HOTEL LOBBY - RIO MONTENEGRO
          
          The desk clerk screams.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Keep her nose up!  Don't fight her!
          
                                  TED
                   I'm trying but she's fighting me!
          
          A boxing glove springs from the dash punching Ted in the
          face.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, that's Alpha Beta!
          
          
          ANGLE OUT SHIP WINDOW - NIGHT
          
          We see the lights of a small colony on planet surface.  The
          Alpha Beta neon sign is visible.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
          Kramer sits in a large swivel chair -- like Captain Kirk's
          on the Enterprise bridge.  As he talks, he nonchalantly
          swivels so his back is to the huge window.  We see the
          Mayflower approaching on the screen.
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   Now, Striker, there are a few things you
                   have to keep in mind as you get close to
                   the planet's atmosphere.
          
          
          ANGLE ON COMMUNCATION ROOM PERSONNEL
          
          They watch in horror as the Mayflower comes shooting at
          them.
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   First and foremost you have to make one
                   very important decision.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Elaine looks out the window -- horrified.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted!  We're not stopping!!
          
          Ted fights the controls.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Is this a landing you're sure you can make
                   without endangering the lives of your
                   passengers?
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
          
          ANGLE ON PERSONNEL
          
          They run for cover.
          
          
          ANGLE ON THE SCREEN
          
          The Mayflower comes right at the screen and crashes through
          it.  Kramer still has his back to the screen and doesn't
          notice what has happened -- the room behind him has been
          totally demolished.
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   Now, once you've made that decision you
                   have to be very clear about your
                   responsibility to those people on that
                   ship.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          The front window is broken.  Ted and Elaine are covered in
          debris.  Elaine's eyes grow wide with terror again.
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted!
          
          
          EXT. PLANET SURFACE
          
          A group of scientists stand at a keyboard synthesizer.  One
          plays the series of notes from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS.  Suddenly
          the Mayflower appears over a hill.  They all jump for cover
          as it crashes through the synthesizer.
          
          
          INT. COCKPIT
          
          Ted and Elaine are covered in piano keys.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Their lives, their futures, their goals
                   and aspirations are in your hands,
                   Striker.
          
          
          EXT. PLANET SURFACE
          
          The Mayflower bounces across the surface.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Mary maneuvers down the aisle.  Passengers are screaming and
          being tossed around.
          
                                  MARY
                        (to one passenger)
                   Seat backs up.  Thank you.
          
          She looks up and sees feet dangling from the ceiling.  A man
          has gone right through the ceiling up to his waist.
          
                                  MARY
                        (looking up)
                   Sir, you really must take your seat.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNCATIONS ROOM
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   We're all with you on this one, Striker.
                   Now get ready to position landing gear,
                   cut engines, and fire your retro­rockets.
          
          
          EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAWN
          
          The Mayflower careens to a smoking, crunching, shattering
          stop.
          
          
          INT. CABIN
          
          Mary and Testa start directing panic-striken passengers to
          the exits.
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   Timing's of the essence on a lame duck
                   approach, Striker.  Don't fight her.  Hold
                   her steady.  Nose up.
          
          
          EXT. SHIP ON A HILL - DAWN
          
          Ted and Elaine stand looking down on the wreckage.  In b.g.,
          SIRENS WAIL, emergency lights flash across Ted and Elaine.
          
                                  VOICES (O.S.)
                   You'll be all right!  Everyone's going to
                   be okay!
          
          Ted holds Elaine.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Don't fight her, Striker.  Hold her!  Hold
                   her!  Stay with her, Striker!
          
          Ted and Elaine kiss.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                   Now, hit your landing gear and cut those
                   engines!
          
          
          INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
          
                                  KRAMER
                        (on radio)
                   Timing's everything, Striker!  Fire your
                   retro-rockets!
          
          
          EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAWN
          
          Ted and Elaine walk off into the distance.
          
          SFX:  SIRENS FROM CRASH AREA IN DISTANCE.
          
                                  KRAMER (V.O.)
                        (voice fading)
                   Now give her full flap and keep that nose
                   up.  Okay, now!
          
                                  ELAINE
                   Ted, what's going to happen to us?
          
          Ted stops and looks into the distant, dark sky.  A printed
          crawl begins:
          
          MUSIC:  OPTIMISTIC THEME
          
                                  CRAWL
                   FAR, FAR AWAY IN THE DEEPEST REGIONS OF
                   OUR VAST SOLAR SYSTEM, A SMALL, BRAVE
                   GROUP OF PIONEERS EMBARK ON A BOLD NEW
                   ADVENTURE.  THEIR MISSION:  TO OPEN UP A
                   NEW FRONTIER.  THEIR GOAL, TO BUILD A
                   BRAVE NEW WORLD.
          
          Ted and Elaine walk towards crawl and are approached by two
          strange CREATURES -- bald with a shock of hair sprouting
          from the top of their heads.
          
                                  CREATURE
                   Hello, we'd like you to have this flower.
                   We're with the Church of Mercurial
                   Consciousness.  Would you like to make a
                   donation?
          
          
          
          
                                  THE END