Sounds like detransing and suicide both do fuck-all for your problem except as dramatic gestures right? maybe suicide isn't "that bad" but the hard part is experiencing whatever method you choose and the possibility of failure, I got a taste of both as a teen and wouldn't want a repeat of either, while I'm pretty sure detransing would be a huge step backwards and put me in a worse place where I'd be much more likely to just off myself anyway. I just hate hating myself for being trans but I keep telling myself it's better than being gay..