text: So, far from gaining the confidence to develop a more mature adult relationship, Sam is apparently so crippled by neurosis -- thanks to the trauma of his mother's death and his father's sublimation of his own grief into the wacky micromanagement of his son's love life -- that he's unable to form a connection with anyone but the girl he was obsessed with for two minutes in 2003. And what do you think the odds are that these two young people happened to bump into each other in a city, oceans away from where they met, where you can't even meet up with someone on purpose without a compass and a machete to hack your way through the hordes of undead subway riders? One of them must have tracked the other down, and I think we all know which one. (Hint: It's the one with the "I'm on a list" mustache.) It's entirely possible that he moved to America in order to find her. Again, a girl he barely knew even when they were kids. And she's either OK with that, and therefore equally as messed up, or bound to find out eventually exactly what she agreed to spend the rest of her life with. There's a lesson here, parents: Don't make your kids think about Meat Loaf's penis. It'll fuck them up for life. 
   
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   Then there's Colin Firth's character, the lovelorn writer who retreats to the French countryside and ends up falling for the Portuguese maid he's hired even though they've never truly spoken, as she doesn't speak English and he doesn't speak Portuguese. People thought it was moving a little too fast when, by the end of the film, he's asked her to marry him in broken Portuguese. But guess what, bitches? They're still going strong! Not only did they get married, they have three beautiful children! Don't you see? By knowing the other person couldn't understand them, they could be truly honest, and that habit didn't go away after they started comprehending each other. Suck it, cynics! 
   
   BBC 
   
   Then this happened and my heart-boner audibly retreated right into my chest-sack: 
   
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   *Play For Full Effect* 
   
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   Not because he doesn't look terribly happy about it, or because four kids in 13 years seems like a bit much, but because she says it in Portuguese and his response is, "That's great, can we have rice with it this time? I'm tired of stir fry." I get it, it's supposed to be funny, but are you telling me he's had 13 years to learn her language and he's still no better than he was at the end of the first movie? She must know that, so why does she insist on speaking Portuguese to him when we know she was learning English, too? That seems kind of passive-aggressive, possibly resentful of his inconsideration. 
   
   Or, maybe they both gave it a go for a few months and then realized that their relationship was better when they couldn't understand each other. Panicked when the bloom started to come off the rose, they silently agreed to stop trying, hoping to keep the spark alive through mutual incomprehension. Because if you don't understand what your partner is saying, they can be saying whatever you want them to. And they've kept that going for 13 years. Because love actually is more complicated than a slightly overlong Christmas movie, and that's kind of terrifying. 
   
   But how great is Hugh Grant? Right? How great? 
   
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   Also follow us on Facebook, follow your heart. ||||| It’s a shame, but the Comic Relief Red Nose Day Actually reprise of Love Actually was Guff Actually. The cast was there, everyone from Hugh Grant, Bill Nighy and Colin Firth to Keira Knightley, Rowan Atkinson, Liam Neeson and more. So you could applaud the logistics and goodwill of pulling it all together. 
   
   However, it was all lousy jokes and texted-in performances and looked as though it had been cobbled together by fourth formers as an end-of-term project. Even at just 12 minutes, it felt far too long. 
   
   Admittedly, I didn’t like the original film. Watching it made me feel as if I was having cold, stale treacle poured over my head by a large mob of demented carollers. 
   
   But I still rate Richard Curtis for Blackadder, and I love Comic Relief, and always donate. Maybe the failure of Red Nose Day Actually partly lay in the weight of expectation? Had they kept the venture a secret until, say, a couple of days before, perhaps there wouldn’t have been such a build-up and viewers would have been more forgiving? 
   
   As it is, I’m glad that people donated. But I doubt that anyone laughed. ||||| Despite all the celeb cameos the charity update of Richard Curtis’s romcom was bafflingly weak. But ultimately its job wasn’t to get laughs - it was to help people 
   
   The best will in the world is what we all have for Red Nose Day — and for Richard Curtis’s monumental effort over decades in helping to make it a great national instutition. I’m very happy to have got my debit card out on the night, like so many others. The convention is that you cheerfully overlook some of the gags that don’t come off on account of the wacky gang-show spirit and live-TV hijinks and because it’s all in a good cause. But the awful truth is that Red Nose Day Actually, the much-trumpeted special featurette update of Curtis’s 2003 romcom box office smash, really was bafflingly weak. 
   
   
   
   Behind the scenes of Comic Relief’s Love Actually: Andrew Lincoln’s creepy cards return Read more 
   
   We knew in advance that Curtis had (understandably) decided not include the best bit from the original — Emma Thompson’s agonised secret tears over her husband’s infidelity — because the much-loved Alan Rickman, who played the part had passed away last year. But why should the script go out of its way to say that Joe, the long-suffering rock manager played by Gregor Fisher, and best friend of Bill Nighy’s outrageously incorrect star Billy Mac, had died? Mr Fisher is very much still with us. It seemed a superfluous moment of contrived poignancy. 
   
   We started with Andrew Lincoln showing up on Keira Knightley’s doorstep with his famous cards, with Chiwetel Ejiofor watching telly. The gag was basically the same, only this time Kate Moss pitched up as his new bride, standing next to him with cards of her own. Nice enough cameo. 
   
   Hugh Grant returned as the Prime Minister, who did his level best to rescue the situation by gamely reprising his silly dad-dancing routine down the No 10 staircase, falling over and spraining his arm. Incidentally, on the question of who has aged the best of the LA cast, that is definitely Martine McCutcheon playing his tea-lady-turned-wife. She genuinely doesn’t look any different from 2003. As for Grant, he looks distinguished, soigné. He could play Edward VIII. 
   
   Facebook Twitter Pinterest Hugh Grant during filming for Red Nose Day Actually. Photograph: Nick Briggs 
   
   Grant’s PM gave a press conference speech, with Robert Peston doing a cheeky walk-on and BBC Breakfast’s Charlie Stayt contributing an enigmatically silent cameo. Here, expectations were very high. In the original movie, Hugh Grant’s role was notable for a very feisty pro-British speech which proclaimed that we shouldn’t just be America’s poodle. Surely now was the time for some Trump material? No. Red Nose Day Actually steered clear of politics, except for saying how sad it was that Piers Morgan was still alive. 
   
   We had Radio Watford’s DJ, played by Marcus Brigstocke, on to interview the uproarious and incorrigible veteran singing sensation Billy Mac. The mere presence of Bill Nighy is enough to cheer any film up, and Nighy brought his languorous charisma to bear. He’s always funny, and I liked the idea of Billy covering ZZ Top’s Give Me All Your Lovin’ with the word “lovin” replaced by “money”. 
   
   Colin Firth was seen at the wheel of his family car, with his Portuguese wife Lucia Moniz next to him, and the gag was that he was terrible at Portuguese and didn’t understand when his wife told him she was pregnant again. Hmm. A lot Red Nose Day tolerance was needed to wave that joke through. 
   
   Liam Neeson (who himself hardly seems to have aged a day) was emotionally reunited with his son, the love of whose life turned out not to have changed. A sweet enough moment. But the only person who came close to delivering some actual comedy was Rowan Atkinson, reprising his role as the smarmy shop assistant taking an inordinate amount of time packing a simple red nose. 
   
   Red Nose Day Actually presumed a very great deal on the affectionate loyalty of the fans: I personally would have preferred a Red Nose update of Four Weddings or Notting Hill or The Tall Guy, the real Curtis gems. Perhaps there is something in the Red Nose Day atmosphere which actually militates against comedy — something in the fact that irony and cynicism have to be banished for the evening. Well, who cares? Even subjecting this well-intentioned squib to critical inspection seems obtuse. Red Nose Actually was not there to get laughs — it was there to get money to help people. And on that basis I am certain it was a great success. 
   
   ||||| We’ve been waiting thirteen years, but finally we got our sequel to Love Actually. 
   
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   It might have been short, but it was a funny, poignant tribute to the much-loved Richard Curtis romcom. Here’s what has happened to some our favourite characters in Red Nose Day Actually… 
   
   Juliet, Peter and Mark (Keria Knightley, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Andrew Lincoln) 
   
   Yep, those cue cards were back. As the doorbell rang again at Juliet and Peter’s house, Mark was standing on the doorstep trying to insist he was a carol singer. “He’s not going to believe that, it’s March,” said Juliet as Mark played Silent Night (did he not get this March memo at all?) on a totally retro iPod dock and asked what she thought of his facial fuzz. 
   
   We found out that Juliet and Peter were still very happily married (awh) and that Mark hasn’t done too badly himself. After saying he was going to marry a model, it turns out he did in the shape of Kate Moss. Mossy put in a nice cameo herself as she sidled up with her own cue cards and confirmed that no, she doesn’t really like her husband’s beard either. 
   
   The Prime Minister and Natalie (Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon) 
   
   It turns out that the PM had been re-elected into Downing Street. After five years out of office, he was voted back in. Jo Whiley dedicated Drake’s Hotline Bling to him, prompting an altogether more sultry dance performance from the country’s leader. 
   
   There was a lot of shimmying as he recreated the moves from the video – well, until he fell down the stairs and hurt his arm. He is now married to Natalie and is still giving heart-warming and impassioned speeches during press conferences to the nation. What happened to Billy Bob Thornton’s US President remains a mystery. 
   
   Billy Mack, DJ Mikey and Joe (Bill Nighy, Marcus Brigstocke and Gregor Fisher) 
   
   Thirteen years on and Mikey is still working at Radio Watford. And Billy Mack is still plugging cheap cash-in charity singles – this time a cover of ZZ Top’s Give Me All Your Lovin’, with the word Lovin’ changed to Money. He’s only doing this because his autobiography (which he hasn’t actually read) called Macknificent is coming out and he needs the publicity. 
   
   However there was some sad news. His manager Joe who had “a big heart” died from a big heart attack, leaving a big hole in Billy’s life. 
   
   Rufus (Rowan Atkinson) 
   
   Rufus hasn’t fared too well selling posh jewellery. Instead of still working in the luxury sector, he is now behind the counter at Sainsbury’s flogging red noses to children for £1. He is still taking his job very seriously and spending a long time gift-wrapping his noses. 
   
   Tissue paper goes into the presentation box along with the nose which is then placed in “so much more than just a bag” alongside jelly beans, a bit of glitter and yoghurt-coated raisins as a queue forms across the carpark. 
   
   Jamie and Aurelia (Colin Firth and Lucia Moniz) 
   
   After proposing in the restaurant, Aurelia is now “inhabit with me in England,” as Jamie suggested all those years ago. The pair are now happily-married with three children, Jamie is still wearing turtle neck jumpers and his Portugese has come on leaps and bounds. 
   
   It’s still not perfect, though. When Aurelia tells him the news that she’s pregnant for the fourth time, he replies that he wants rice with it because he’s getting a bit tired of stir fry. Oh, Jamie! 
   
   Daniel, Sam and Joanna (Liam Neeson, Thomas Brodie-Sangster and Olivia Olson) 
   
   Daniel is still spending his days sitting on park benches looking melancholic, but his son Sam is now 26 years old and spending time in New York. He flew back to surprise him with news of his love life. 
   
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   He is now dating Joanna – the girl he wanted for Christmas when he was 12 years old. They met up in New York and now she’s in London to ask Daniel if she can marry Sam. He said he was thinking about it, but we never got a proper answer. We’re taking it as a yes. ||||| This heavily hyped centrepiece of Comic Relief 2017 reunited stars from Richard Curtis’s irresistibly schmaltzy Christmas 2003 romcom, notably Grant, Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Bill Nighy and Keira Knightley. And notably not Martin Freeman (too busy – or perhaps too embarrassed about his nudity in the original), Kris Marshall (too cringe-worthy a character) or Emma Thompson, who demurred out of respect for her co-star Alan Rickman, who sadly died last year. 
   
   This pacy sketch enabled us to see what happened to the characters after the credits rolled. It was packed with shot-for-shot nods and in-jokey callbacks to the notoriously polarising original. While Love Actually’s storylines were neatly interwoven, this reprise revisited them each in turn but was no less grin-inducing for its structural clumsiness. ||||| When Love Actually premiered in 2003, the ensemble rom-com featured one very special supermodel cameo—Claudia Schiffer—as a potential love match for Liam Neeson. And when the long-awaited, sequel premiered on Friday, as part of Red Nose Day in the U.K., the 10-minute follow-up featured another surprise cameo from the catwalk. This time around, though, the supermodel in question only had eyes for Mark (Andrew Lincoln) and his beard. Sorry, Juliet (Keira Knightley). 
   
   Take a look at the first snippet below. 
   
   And if you’re a sucker for spoilers, you can also catch a few other excerpts posted by fans on Twitter. (The full special won’t air in the U.S. until May.) The first shows that Hugh Grant’s prime minister is well acquainted with Drake’s discography. 
   
   The second shows what happens when one is well acquainted with Drake’s discography. . . and not 10 Downing Street’s steps. (Even after all of these years, we know.) 
   
   The third shows that Thomas Brodie-Sangster’s Sam is not in jail for blowing past multiple airport security checkpoints to meet Olivia Olson’s character. 
   
   In a statement, Love Actually writer/director Richard Curtis explained of the follow-up’s format, “I would never have dreamt of writing a sequel to Love Actually, but I thought it might be fun to do 10 minutes to see what everyone is now up to. Who has aged best?—I guess that's the big question. . .or is it so obviously Liam [Neeson]?” 
   
   In a behind-the-scenes video released last week, Hugh Grant joked that he has been refusing annual invitations for Love Actually reunions for years. 
   
   “This nightmare with Richard happens every bloody year,” Grant deadpanned. (Love Actually writer/director Richard Curtis is the long-time romantic partner of Red Nose Day’s director Emma Freud—which might explain why Curtis & the Love Actually Co. were tempted to reunite in the past.) 
   
   “Some years I can fob him off with money,” Grant says. “‘I’m not doing that. Here’s a check.’” 
   
   Not everyone was as much of a Love Actually grinch, though. McCutcheon had a more rom-com appropriate response to the news that there would be a reunion: “My heart—there was a little skip, a little jump.” 
   
   Stateside fans can watch the complete Love Actually reunion when it airs on May 25 on NBC. 
   
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   Test your knowledge of the Seven Kingdoms with Vanity Fair ’s Game of Unknowns. 
   
   Make your predictions ||||| Get celebs updates directly to your inbox + Subscribe Thank you for subscribing! Could not subscribe, try again later Invalid Email 
   
   Oh boy. I’ve seen some Red Nose Days in my time – but never ­anything like this. 
   
   Half-naked Greg Davies in a hot tub on the roof of the O2 arena “for absolutely no reason”. 
   
   Miranda Hart dressed as a tea lady, gate-crashing (ruining) everyone’s scenes. 
   
   Smack The Pony, still not being funny. 
   
   The much-hyped showpiece, of course, was the Love Actually reboot. 
   
   A mystery, to my mind. A poor man’s Four Weddings and a Funeral that ­delivered precisely nothing. 
   
   (Image: BBC) 
   
   But Comic Relief is Richard Curtis ’s baby. So what he says goes. And no one can dispute that its cause is good. 
   
   The highlight was Ed Sheeran rescuing a bunch of Liberian street kids from ­physical and sexual abuse when the crew were about to abandon them to a thug. 
   
   Heroic. But, alas, completely out of kilter with the rest of the night. 
   
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   The serious point being, how on earth can viewers donate if they’ve already switched off? I can’t blame them because it was an utter shambles. 
   
   Some echoey, unsuitable building in the O2. Dreadful links. Technical gremlins all over the shop. But worst of all, a crowd that just wanted to be on telly. 
   
   Sir Lenny Henry had to actually go over to one particularly chattery section and plead: “Can you shut up over there, please? You have to be quiet. We’re trying to make television over here. Shut up.” 
   
   (Image: Youtube/NBC) 
   
   But I don’t blame the audience for m­aking their own entertainment. 
   
   The supposed talents of the “trendy” comics booked, like Joe Lycett and Luisa Omielan (somewhere a Blue Peter episode is missing its sticky-back plastic creative), were brutally exposed. 
   
   The entire first three hours felt like late-night fringe comedy, despite some notable bookings. 
   
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   C4’s Toast. Vic and Bob wheeling out the never-missed Stotts to interview Susanna Reid. Micky Flanagan throwing a pizza to Pat Sharp. Two grown men laughing out mouths of water in each other’s faces at the word “willy”. 
   
   It wasn’t until 10.35pm that I realised why it felt so cheap. 
   
   BBC1 had saved the entire two-hour, post-news slot for Graham Norton and his massive sofa. Good thinking, I thought, until he tried to talk to guest number 35, who was in another time zone. 
   
   (Image: BBC) 
   
   Red Nose Day didn’t truly shoot itself in the foot, however, until after Richard Osman’s World Cup of Biscuits semi-final: “Are the Chocolate Digestives going through or the controversial Jaffa Cakes?” 
   
   A sombre Lenny Henry piped up: “I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine in the news. 
   
   “More than half of the population of Yemen are hungry.” 
   
   So do dig deep. Any unwanted biscuits welcome. #TeamChocolateHobnobs. ||||| Comic Relief's hotly-anticipated mini reboot of romantic-comedy, Love Actually, finally made its way to our TV screens and fans were quick to praise the follow-up for keeping the charm and heart of the original. 
   
   Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Rowan Atkinson and Colin Firth were among the stars who reprised their much-loved roles for the short film dubbed, Red Nose Day Actually. 
   
   The 2003 film's creator and director Richard Curtis, who is also the co-founder of Comic Relief and has co-produced the event for the BBC since 1988, created the ten-minute short, which revisited some of the famous storylines 14 years on from the original film - including a final resolution to the film's famous love triangle between the characters played by Andrew Lincoln, Knightley, and Ejiofor. 
   
   Fans took to social media in their droves to comment on Hugh Grant's new dance moves and a surprise cameo from none other than Kate Moss. 
   
   😂😂😂 Hugh Grant dancing hasn't improved in 13 years #loveactually #RedNoseDay — Natascha (@Natascha_Kilts) March 24, 2017 
   
   Hugh Grant dancing to Drake is amazing #RedNoseDay #loveactually — Mini Fish (@LizzFisher) March 24, 2017 
   
   This is the best thing that's happened in ages #LoveActually #ComicRelief — amelia (@ameliacolthart) March 24, 2017 
   
   Curtis previously said the TV special would be a "nostalgic moment" for the old cast, and joked that he is most interested to see who has aged the most gracefully. 
   
   "I guess that's the big question...or is it so obviously Liam?" he said. 
   
   "Over the years I've enjoyed doing Red Nose Day specials of TV things I've worked on - Blackadder, The Vicar Of Dibley and Mr Bean - it seemed like a fun idea this year to do a special sketch based one of my films." 
   
   "I would never have dreamt of writing a sequel to Love Actually, but I thought it might be fun to do 10 minutes to see what everyone is now up to. 
   
   "We hope to make something that'll be fun - very much in the spirit of the original film and of Red Nose Day - and which we hope will help bring lots of viewers and cash to the Red Nose Day shows," he added. 
   
   Emma Freud, director of Red Nose Day, delighted fans with some behind-the-scenes photos on Twitter on the run-up to the eagerly-awaited sequel. 
   
   Our pm is still married. And she's still lovely. #rednosedayactually pic.twitter.com/MGtUVDGiBE — emma freud (@emmafreud) March 5, 2017 
   
   However, the special was tinged with some sadness as the much-loved Alan Rickman was absent following his sudden death last year. 
   
   The only thing that makes me sad is that Alan Rickman didn't get to witness this or be a part of this 💔 #LoveActually #RedNoseDay — Kaja 😈🐾 (@blackrose1002) March 24, 2017 
   
   Emma Thompson, who played his wife who was cheated on in the original movie, recently said it would be "too sad and too soon" after Rickman's death for her to take part in the film's Comic Relief sequel. 
   
   Kris Marshall, who played the hopeless-in-love Colin Frissell , who moves to America to try his luck with the ladies in the 2003 movie, also revealed he wouldn't be starring in the movie's second outing. 
   
   Other highlights of the Comic Relief special included Take That’s Carpool Karaoke, some live rapping from Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders, and appearances from Alan Partridge and Mrs Brown. ||||| After weeks of hype, the Love, Actually Comic Relief short sequel, Red Nose Day, Actually, finally aired tonight. It might not compare to Stephen’s version of events, but was exactly what you’d expect, really – the most memorable elements of each plotline recreated and recycled, with lots of jokes about the charity added in. So what did Red Nose Day, Actually actually teach us? 
   
   Andrew Lincoln’s character was always a creep 
   
   It was weird to show up outside Keira Knightley’s house in 2003, and it’s even weirder now, when you haven’t seen each other in almost a decade. Please stop. 
   
   It’s also really weird to bring your supermodel wife purely to show her off like a trophy. She doesn’t even know these people. She must be really confused. Let her go home, “Mark”. 
   
   Kate Moss is forever a great sport 
   
   Judging by the staggering number of appearances she makes at these things, Kate Moss has never said no to a charity appearance, even when she’s asked to do the most ridiculous and frankly insulting things, like pretend she would ever voluntarily have sex with “Mark”. 
   
   Self-service machines are a gift and a curse 
   
   In reality, Rowan Atkinson’s gift-wrapping enthusiast would have lasted about one hour in Sainsbury’s before being replaced by a machine. 
   
   Colin Firth’s character is an utter embarrassment, pull yourself together man 
   
   You’re a writer, Colin. You make a living out of paying attention to language and words. You’ve been married to your Portuguese-speaking wife for almost fourteen years. You learned enough to make a terrible proposal all those years ago. Are you seriously telling me you haven’t learned enough to sustain a single conversation with your family? Do you hate them? Kind of seems that way, Colin. 
   
   Even gay subtext is enough to get you killed 
   
   As Eleanor Margolis reminds us, a deleted storyline from the original Love, Actually was one in which “the resplendent Frances de la Tour plays the terminally ill partner of a “stern headmistress” with a marshmallow interior (Anne Reid).” Of course, even in deleted scenes, gay love stories can only end in death, especially in 2003. The same applies to 2017’s Red Nose Day actually. Many fans speculated that Bill Nighy’s character was in romantic love with his manager, Joe – so, reliably, Joe has met a tragic end by the time the sequel rolls around. 
   
   Hugh Grant is a fantasy Prime Minister for 2017 
   
   Telling a predatory POTUS to fuck off despite the pressure to preserve good relations with the USA? Inspirational. No wonder he’s held on to office this long, despite only demonstrating skills of “swearing”, “possibly harassing junior staff members” and “somewhat rousing narration”. 
   
   If you get together in Christmas 2003, you will stay together forever. It’s just science. 
   
   Even if you’ve spent nearly fourteen years clinging onto public office. Even if you were a literal child when you met. Even if you hate your wife so much you refuse to learn her first language. 
   
   Now listen to the SRSLY Love, Actually special:
target: – Love Actually fans went nuts when it was announced that a 12-minute sequel would air during the UK's Red Nose Day as part of its Comic Relief special last Friday. The spot doesn't officially air in the US until May, but this being 2017 and all, video snippets and recaps abound. And, well, bad news for those aforementioned fans—many people say the Love Actually bit was not so great. Spoilers ahead: On Cracked, Amanda Mannen writes that the sequel "destroys" the original movie. You find out that Mark apparently hasn't seen his one-time best friend Peter at all in the 13 years since he declared his love for Peter's new bride in the film, then-little-boy Sam never did move on from Joanna and may in fact have creepily followed her to the United States, and Jamie and Aurelia still don't speak one another's languages. Bottom line? "Love actually is more complicated than a slightly overlong Christmas movie, and that's kind of terrifying." At the Mirror, Adam Postans describes the sequel bit as "a poor man’s Four Weddings and a Funeral that ­delivered precisely nothing." At the Guardian, Barbara Ellen suggests the sequel should have been named Guff Actually. "It was all lousy jokes and texted-in performances and looked as though it had been cobbled together by fourth formers as an end-of-term project," she writes. Another Guardian reviewer, Peter Bradshaw, calls the spot "bafflingly weak." He does note that, as to the inevitable question of who aged the best, it's clearly Martine McCutcheon, who played the prime minister's wife—"she genuinely doesn't look any different from 2003." The sequel has taught us that "if you get together in Christmas 2003, you will stay together forever. It’s just science," writes Anna Leszkiewicz at the New Statesman. "Even if you’ve spent nearly 14 years clinging onto public office. Even if you were a literal child when you met. Even if you hate your wife so much you refuse to learn her first language." But not everyone was disappointed. Radio Times calls the sketch "funny" and "poignant," the Telegraph calls it "winningly nostalgic and a triumphant return," and Vanity Fair and RTE round up tweets from satisfied viewers (who especially loved Hugh Grant dancing again).