text: Robyn Beck / AFP / Getty Images 
   
   LOSERS 
   
   Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum 
   
   Emir of Dubai 
   
   Oh, it's got to hurt to go begging for money from Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi! That's like Trump asking for money from his uncle who put his salary in Vanguard index funds. It's like U.A.E. SmackDown. 
   
   Google Buzz 
   
   Some kind of thing on your computer 
   
   Remember when Gmail invited you  just you!  to join Google Buzz, where you could connect all your social networks with your e-mail? Or maybe it was something totally different. All I know is that I already had more things that did that crap than I wanted. 
   
   Leonid Tyagachev 
   
   Ex-head of the Russian Olympic Committee 
   
   Eleventh in gold medals and none in hockey  despite having Alexander Ovechkin on your team? In the past, someone who performed like this would be banished to Siberia. But they have a pretty good hockey team there right now. So I don't know where they send you now that you quit. 
   
   Tom Tom 
   
   Car GPS device 
   
   Six years ago, these were from the future. Now they come with your phone. I think they sell them in the discount bins they used to use for Yngwie Malmsteen cassettes. 
   
   Space Shuttle 
   
   Formerly cool vehicle 
   
   You know how all these other countries built space shuttles after we did? Well, that's because they didn't. Everyone stuck with rocket ships because rocket ships are cool. Space shuttles are airplanes that don't even go to other countries. Have you ever seen a comic book or a sci-fi movie where the hero goes up in something that looks like a space shuttle? Finally, we're going back to rocket ships. 
   
   Kurmanbek Bakiyev 
   
   Ex-President of Kyrgyzstan 
   
   Bakiyev was barely influential when he was President of Kyrgyzstan, because it's Kyrgyzstan. But when massive corruption got him tossed out, he couldn't even get his brother and son out of the country. He gave both the U.S. and Russia bases in his country, and even they didn't have his back. 
   
   Mamadou Tandja 
   
   Ex-President of Niger 
   
   Even Bakiyev was able to get out of his country when he got coup d'étated. But Tandja was stuck and arrested in Niger. The best way of telling that you have no influence: you can't even get someone to post a better photo on your Wikipedia page. Not flattering. 
   
   Rue McClanahan 
   
   Actress 
   
   Betty White has usurped all the power from the remaining Golden Girls. 
   
   Lorelle Young 
   
   President of the U.S. Metric Association 
   
   She's about 99 kilometers from being influential. Or 99 metrometers. I have no idea how that works. 
   
   Manuel Zelaya 
   
   Ex-President of Honduras 
   
   Another guy who got coup d'étated. He wound up in the Dominican Republic. And, as every baseball fan knows, you don't walk off the Dominican Republic. 
   
   Palm Inc. 
   
   Maker of the Pre phone 
   
   Remember when it was cool to have a Treo? And then Palm came out with this well-reviewed, awesome new smart phone? Thing is, that was a few years after the iPhone came out. 
   
   Gourmet magazine 
   
   Ex-magazine 
   
   The country is obsessed with food, and Gourmet folds after 68 years. Condé Nast would rather keep Bon Appétit, which is a magazine called Bon Appétit. 
   
   Next Under the Influence
target: – The Time 100—Time magazine's annual list of the 100 most influential people in the world—has just hit the interwebs, and as usual, the names range from obvious to head scratching. The names you expect are there—Barack Obama, Oprah, Steve Jobs—as are some you might not, or that seem to be in an odd category. Glenn Beck, for example, makes the list as a “Leader.” The “Heroes” category, meanwhile, contains a bunch of sports stars and entertainers—Phil Mickelson, Ben Stiller, and Serena Williams—alongside the likes of Bill Clinton or Mir Hossein Mousavi, the winner of Time's reader poll. Ashton Kutcher makes the “Artists” list, presumably because he has a Twitter account, as does Conan O'Brien, presumably for being fired. You can see the whole list here, or, for extra fun, check out Joel Stein's Least Influential list.