text: By now you’ve probably read a number of scathing reviews of “The Mummy,” Universal’s inaugural entry in a possibly grievously ill-advised “Dark Universe” franchise, wherein the legendary studio intends to reboot its most Famous Monsters of Filmland. Perhaps I’m becoming jaded in my old age, but I was more amused than appalled. 
   
   Don’t get me wrong. “The Mummy,” directed (if that’s what you want to call it; I honestly think the better term here is “ostensibly overseen on behalf of the studio executives”) by Alex Kurtzman from a script by David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie, and Dylan Kussman, has plenty to get irritated about. I got sand in my synapses during an early scene in which Tom Cruise, as a looter named Nick Morton (oh, “Mort,” I get it now), and his sidekick, played by Jake Johnson, casually slaughter a bunch of “Iraqi insurgents” trying to track down a mysterious treasure. Oh, sure, filmmakers, by all means use a tragic and unnecessary war that’s still yielding horrific consequences for the world as the backdrop for your stupid horror movie plot machinations, no problem here. 
   
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   And, of course, there’s the movie’s very old-school sexism. "The Mummy" has two female characters: One is corrupt albeit not unattractive ancient Egyptian royal Ahmanet, who, once freed from her tomb in the present day, is the incarnation of all evil and stuff. (She is played by Sofia Boutella, whose filmography testifies that she’s accustomed to being ill-used in motion pictures). The other is faux-archeologist/genuine anti-evil secret agent Jenny (Annabelle Wallis) who’s mainly around to be rescued by Nick, and whose surface venality suggests that his business card describes him as a “lovable rogue.” 
   
   So yes, should one choose to take offense, one certainly may. But I have to be honest—speaking of venality, I found something almost admirable about the film’s cheek. It’s amazingly relentless in its naked borrowing from other, better horror and sci-fi movies that I was able to keep occupied making a checklist of the movies referenced. At its opening, remnants of a past civilization are discovered while workmen are tunneling underground for a new subway route. That’s from “Quatermass and the Pit,” aka “Five Million Miles to Earth.” As many other reviewers have noted, once Jake Johnson’s character buys in and is reborn as a wisecracking undead sidekick warning Nick about how he’s been cursed by incarnation-of-evil Ahmanet, it’s “American Werewolf in London” time, albeit with PG-13-rated special effects rather than the side of ketchup-dipped corned beef that fell from Griffin Dunne’s face in the earlier movie. What else? A woman whose kiss drains the life force out of those who receive it, from the wacky space-vampire movie “Lifeforce”? Check. A brain-draining insect in the ear from “Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan”? Check. Spavined slapstick undead assaulters out of “Evil Dead”? Check. Underwater fights with the undead out of Lucio Fulci’s “Zombie”? Check. (These too are toned down considerably from the source material.) Someone saying “Plans?” with the precise intonation Sir Ralph Richardson used in “Tales from the Crypt”? Also check. Don’t even get me started on the, um, appropriation of a famous line from the Universal monster movie “Bride of Frankenstein.” But that’s life, and that movie literally IS Universal’s property. 
   
   There have been a lot of crocodile tears already shed about the fact that The Mighty Tom Cruise has allowed himself to be used in such dreck, and also that Russell Crowe has been compelled to continue to sink into a form of self-parody by appearing as the head of Jenny’s anti-evil agency, a character named Dr. Henry Jekyll, and yeah, it’s the same guy. Or some iteration of the same guy. As it happens, Dr. Jekyll was never one of the Universal Studios monsters, but the character IS in the public domain, so I guess the corporate overlords of the Dark Universe figured “what the you-know-what.” 
   
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   Anyway, I cannot feel too aggrieved for either star. As Richard Harris and Richard Burton found out for themselves many years before Crowe came along, there comes a time in the career of every loose-cannon macho actor where the any-port-in-a-financial-year-storm approach to career management is all for the best. As for Cruise, he is known for his try-anything-once sense of cinematic adventure, and he does like his franchises. The Morton character is admittedly more of a callow nothingburger than any he’s played. And given how the movie ends I’m a little disappointed that he wasn’t named Larry Talbot. But who knows, maybe he’ll be obliged to change it for the next installment. Which I am looking forward to, out of nothing but base curiosity. ||||| PLOT An explorer disturbs a mummy’s tomb and unleashes an evil force. CAST Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella, Russell Crowe RATED PG-13 (violence, scary images, suggestive content, partial nudity) LENGTH 1:50 BOTTOM LINE A blaring, bloated zombie of a movie. 
   
   What happens when you update Universal Pictures’ classic monster movies, with their old-world charm and Gothic elegance, for a new audience accustomed to the high-tech action and postmodern sarcasm of Disney’s Marvel movies? The answer, in the case of “The Mummy” — a big-budget reboot of the 1932 Boris Karloff gem — is a hideous Frankenstein of a film that seems doomed to repulse anyone who comes across it. 
   
   Sorry for the mixed monster metaphor, but this is one massive mess of a movie. The first in a planned series of reboots, in which everyone from the Wolf Man to the Hunchback of Notre Dame will live in a shared Dark Universe, “The Mummy” sets a tone of thematic confusion and box-office desperation. Written by what seems to be a conflicted three-man team (including David Koepp, of “Jurassic Park”) and directed as if in a panic by Alex Kurtzman, “The Mummy” is an action-horror-fantasy driven entirely by special effects, with incongruous elements of black comedy, eroticism and gadgetry — all laid atop the narrative blueprint of an “Avengers” movie. 
   
   Not even the charisma of Tom Cruise can shine through this film’s CGI-generated murk. Cruise plays Nick Morton, a mercenary tomb raider who discovers the sarcophagus of the cursed Egyptian princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella, half-naked and covered in rune tattoos). Once reanimated, she gets the hots for Nick and appears to him in gauzy hallucinations that resemble a perfume commercial. Luckily, Nick’s sort-of girlfriend, Egyptologist Jenny Halsey (an oddly icy Annabelle Wallis), knows who to call: a genial if somewhat unstable doctor whose last name is Jekyll (Russell Crowe). 
   
   This may be the movie’s worst conceptual misfire. “The Mummy” wants to establish Jekyll/Hyde as its own Banner/Hulk, but also as its own Nick Fury, the top commander behind the Marvel heroes. Crowe is surprisingly fun in the role — he plays Hyde like a steroidal Cockney gangster — but the character can’t serve triple duty as head honcho, superhero and mad scientist all at once. 
   
   Virtually everything in this movie seems like the wrong decision. Why does “The Mummy” spend so much time in 12th century England? Why is it partly a zombie comedy, in which Nick is pestered by an undead wisenheimer (Jake Johnson)? Why are the one-liners so dopey? It has to be said: This “Mummy” makes even the Brendan Fraser versions of the franchise seem like classics. ||||| 
   
   Sofia Boutella stars in “The Mummy.” This monster flick starts in the Middle East but ends up mostly involving chase scenes with the mummy on the loose in England, kissing innocent people to death, then reanimating them. (Universal Pictures) 
   
   Given that “Spider-Man” is getting its third reboot since 2002, it’s a small miracle that Universal waited as long as it did to resurrect 1999’s wildly successful sleeper hit “The Mummy.” In the midst of franchise mania, the studio is launching its very own universe of monster flicks, and the Tom Cruise-led action thriller heralds the start of a world that may include “The Bride of Frankenstein,” “The Invisible Man” and “The Wolfman,” to name a few. 
   
   That’s some pressure the movie doesn’t shoulder well, considering it’s hardly the unqualified success of other trial balloons, like “Iron Man,” “X-Men” or even “Man of Steel.” In fact, “The Mummy” might make a viewer wonder whether this universe will even take off at all. 
   
   It won’t be for a lack of star power. Cruise plays Nick Morton, a brave, foolish soldier of fortune who, along with his buddy Chris (Jake Johnson), scours the Middle East looking for antiquities to loot and sell on the black market. During one such trek he stumbles upon an Egyptian crypt. But as his recent bedfellow, archaeologist Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis), breathily describes it: “This is not a tomb — it’s a prison.” 
   
   We already know what that means, thanks to some thoroughly informative voice-over narration by a certain Dr. Jekyll (Russell Crowe), who reveals the identity of the woman buried at this site. The daughter of a pharaoh, Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella) made a pact with Set, the god of death, before murdering her father, his wife and their newborn baby so that she could take the throne. She was caught before she could carry out the prophesy — using a fancy dagger to kill a man so that Set would have his very own body — and was mummified and buried alive far from Egypt. 
   
   She’d be forever stuck under a pool of mercury if Nick’s reckless gunfire didn’t upend the complex cable-and-pulley system holding her there. She appears to Nick in one of many daydream sequences to say how pleased she is with this turn of events, although once again Jenny is on hand to over­explain things: “We’ve angered the gods,” she laments. 
   
   
   
   Boutella stars as Ahmanet, a mummy unleashed by treasure hunter Nick Morton (Tom Cruise). (Universal Pictures) 
   
   The rest of the movie, directed by Alex Kurtzman, is mostly chase scenes with the mummy on the loose in England, kissing innocent people to death, sucking the life out of them and then reanimating the corpses to create her own zombie army. In fact, “The Mummy” has more in common with “The Living Dead” movies than the 1932 horror film or its 1999 remake, although the dead aren’t the only ones working for this villainess. She also has rats and spiders on her payroll, among many other creepy-crawlies designed to make the audience squirm and shudder. 
   
   Nick joins forces with Jenny and her boss, Jekyll, who is hammered into the story so that we don’t forget this is the start of a franchise rather than a stand-alone movie that already has plenty going on without yet another plot thread. 
   
   
   
   Nick (Cruise) and Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) in “The Mummy.” Universal Pictures’ action-horror movie, which seems to be the first in a series of reboots, has star power and a few thrills, but the convoluted story decays before our eyes. (Chiabella James/Universal Pictures) 
   
   Some of the action is thrilling, especially a brilliantly choreographed plane crash that has Nick and Jenny tossed around the cabin before he straps her into a parachute and pulls the cord, whisking her out into the sky. The movie also has a few genuinely funny moments. When the mummy ominously runs her long nails over Nick’s torso, he starts giggling; he’s ticklish, apparently. 
   
   But the big thrills and few laughs are no match for the cumbersome, convoluted story, not to mention the nonexistent chemistry between Cruise and Wallis. (We’re not going to pin the blame on her considering the way her connection with Cillian Murphy popped off the screen in “Peaky Blinders.”) 
   
   The whole thing culminates in an underwater chase scene that’s painfully lugubrious. After the fast-paced thrills of the “Fast & Furious” franchise, among other action movies, seeing Cruise breaststroke away from some zombies is bizarre and comical. If something is in fact being launched with “The Mummy,” it’s not off to a very snappy start. ||||| How meh is The Mummy? Let me count the ways. For all the huffing and puffing and digital desperation from overworked computers, this reboot lands onscreen with a resounding thud. Tom Cruise should have played the Mummy – that way his face would be swathed in bandages and his fans wouldn't have to see him sweat so hard to get this lumbering loser off the ground. 
   
   
   
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   In a gender flip, the title role originated by Boris Karloff in 1932 is played by Algerian actress Sofia Boutella (Kingsman: The Secret Service). She's Ahmanet, an evil Egyptian princess who killed her daddy a few millennia back – she wanted to be pharaoh instead of her baby brother, see – and for her trouble got buried alive for several millennia in Mesopotamia, currently known as Iraq. Cruise takes the role of Nick Morton, a hustler in antiquities who unearths the tomb of this "3000-year-old prune," a hellion who wants to use our hero's body to house Set, the god of the dead. 
   
   Still with me? Director Alex Kurtzman – who, as a screenwriter, has tackled everything from Alias episodes to a Transformers movie – can't seem to make sense of a script by numerous writers clearly unashamed of hack work. Nick, his blond British squeeze Jenny Halsey (Peaky Blinders' Annabelle Wallis) and his wisecracking best-friend-forever Chris Vail (New Girl's Jake Johnson) all end up in modern-day London fighting Ahmanet and her ghouls. How do you win a fight against the undead? My point exactly. 
   
   
   
   Meanwhile, Russell Crowe, looking winded and all-too-aware of the schlock he's selling, shows up as mean Dr. Jekyll and his even meaner alter ego Mr. Hyde. No reason, except to set the stage for Universal's coming Dark Universe series of which The Mummy is the first installment. You heard us right. They are already prepping revamps of Jekyll & Hyde, The Invisible Man with Johnny Depp and Bride of Frankenstein, starring Javier Bardem as the monster. This anticipation killer is not going to help. It's a monster fail.
target: – The Mummy marks a return to the past and a nod to the future for Universal: Taking inspiration from its 1932 and 1999 films of the same name, it's the first installment of a new "Dark Universe" franchise that is set to include flicks like Jekyll & Hyde and Bride of Frankenstein. Tom Cruise stars as an antiquities hunter who disturbs an Egyptian sarcophagus and awakes an evil spirit. Here's what critics are saying: Peter Travers calls The Mummy "a monster fail" that kills anticipation for future franchise flicks. It has too much CGI, and director Alex Kurtzman "can't seem to make sense of a script by numerous writers clearly unashamed of hack work," he writes at Rolling Stone. He adds Russell Crowe appears as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for no good reason. Crowe is "surprisingly fun" in this role, but the film's attempts to make him into "head honcho, superhero, and mad scientist all at once" may be its "worst conceptual misfire," Rafer Guzman writes at Newsday. But then, "virtually everything in this movie seems like the wrong decision." It's a "massive mess of a movie" that "seems doomed to repulse anyone who comes across it," he writes. Glenn Kenny was also thrown off by the Jekyll character, but that's just one reason he's warning that the "Dark Universe" franchise might be a "grievously ill-advised" one. Its first installment has "plenty to get irritated about," including some "very old-school sexism," he writes at RogerEbert.com. It's "amazingly relentless in its naked borrowing from other, better horror and sci-fi movies" to boot. It's not all bad, though, writes Stephanie Merry at the Washington Post. "Some of the action is thrilling, especially a brilliantly choreographed plane crash," and there are a "few genuinely funny moments." But those moments "are no match for the cumbersome, convoluted story, not to mention the nonexistent chemistry between Cruise and [Annabelle] Wallis," she notes. Not a good start, Universal.