The first step in dealing with your issues with loving and/or being loved is to identify the fear that is holding you back. There are many different types of fear that can cause a person to fear loving someone or being loved.  Consider your feelings and try to figure out what your main concern is. What are you afraid might happen if you allow yourself to love or be loved? Try writing about your feelings to explore them in more depth. Writing about your fears concerning love may help you to identify the root of your fears and the act of writing may help you to work through some of your feelings as well. One way that you can start to understand your fear regarding loving or being loved is to think back on your past relationships. Consider the problems that arose in the relationship and how you contributed to those problems. What did you struggle with in the relationship? What did you fight about? If you broke up, what was the reason for the breakup? In what ways did you contribute to problems in the relationship? What thoughts caused you to respond in the ways that you did? Sometimes childhood experiences can contribute to our ability to love and be loved. If you had some difficult experiences as a child, you may be carrying to feelings into your adult relationships. Consider things that happened to you or around you as a child and how they might be affecting you as an adult. Was there a lot of fighting in your household when you were a child? Did you feel rejected or unloved by one or more of your parents? How did these experiences make you feel? Many people have fears when it comes to loving and being loved. Among those fears are the fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting someone, and fear of commitment. Consider these different types of fears and try to determine if your feelings align with any of these categories.   Fear of Getting Hurt  If you have been hurt in previous relationships, you know how painful it is and may want to protect yourself from ever feeling that way again. As a result, you might try to prevent yourself from falling in love in order to avoid having to feel those painful emotions again.  Fear of Hurting Someone  Perhaps you have hurt people in previous relationships and it made you feel guilty. As a result, you might want to avoid getting into another relationship and causing the same pain to someone else who you care about.  Fear of Commitment  Maybe the idea of being committed to one person for the rest of your life is terrifying to you, so you don’t allow yourself to get too attached.  Fear of Loss of Identity  Some people think falling in love means that they have to give up certain parts of their identity, which can be scary and may cause some people may avoid love. Some people struggle to love and be loved because they believe that they are not loveable or not worthy of being loved. This belief can be the result of childhood neglect, rejection, or other experiences that caused you to feel unworthy of being loved. Consider whether or not your feel like you are worth of being loved. Some people fear love because it makes them think about their mortality. Loving someone and being loved back can make the thought of death much scarier because you have more to lose. Some people may even avoid falling in love or being loved because of these negative, frightening feelings.
Think about why you are afraid to fall in love or be loved. Think about your past relationships. Reflect on your childhood. Consider some of the most common fears about loving and being loved. Determine if you consider yourself worthy of being loved. Decide if you are having an existential crisis regarding love.