The children will handle the news better if they see that both of you are involved in the choice,even if that isn’t fully the case, and you will remain their parents regardless of the divorce. Before you have the talk with the children, take a bit of time together to decide how you will answer the questions about why you are divorcing. Both of you need to be on the same page about the “why” and not placing blame on one party or the other. They may often be fearful of what life is going to look like from now on, so be ready for a lot of logistical questions. Allow the children to ask you both anything, but also understand you may not have all the answers and that’s OK. They may want to know about where they will live in the future or if you will remarry. Those issues are not easily answered and you can always tell them you do not know yet.  If they ask questions about why the two of you are divorcing, this is not the time to pour your heart out to them. They are not your support system, and they do not need to know details about what has happened. Even if you are not sure where everyone will end up living, reassure the children that they will be safe and have access to both parents. Security is a big part of their fear at this point, seeing that both parents are on the same page even if one moves physically out will help. Part of supporting the children through this process is also giving them the freedom to talk about it with you and with others if they need to. Feeling like they need to keep this “secret” can be very stressful for children, tell them who else you are telling so they know other adults they can talk to if they need to. Set clear boundaries as far as which parent is staying in the home and what time with either one of you will look like.  As the children process this news, they need to know what to expect. This means being clear about what happens after one of you moves out and how your family will look going forward. The parent who moves out should not be staying over, for example, since this sends a mixed message. Of course, some married couples are able to eventually work things out, but this is not always the case. If you are trying to work things out, this should not be done in front of the children, in case it does not work. Your marriage is ending but you are both still adults, staying civil with the soon to be ex-spouse will make co-parenting easier.  Your children may feel like they are stuck in the middle if they see one or both of you angry at the other. They need to know they do not need to make a choice as far as only “loving” one of you. In addition, it is not fair to them to say negative things about your spouse to them. During the transition, there may be times where things feel awkward, but they should never get to the point where either of you react out of anger or violence. Your spouse is no longer a love interest, but he or she will always be a parent. Focus on that. Neither parent should ask the children to supply details about the other parent like if he or she is dating anyone new or other non-essential details. That’s not related to the children and it’s not any of your business. The fact is, even after a divorce, you are still family because you share a child or children. Addressing the adjustment for the new dynamics or giving each member of the family time to openly talk about their feelings is a good use of family therapy.  Children do need to understand this is not a time to force their parents back together, it is about moving forward with the new separation. The therapist may see the family all together or different variations of the group depending on what needs to be discussed.
Break the news together. Encourage your child(ren) to ask questions. Don’t offer false hope. Be amicable with your spouse. Attend family therapy.