In addition to past relationships and childhood experiences, negative thinking may be preventing you from loving or being loved. Some people think negative thoughts about themselves or their partners that cause the relationship to suffer. Do not allow a negative thought to go through your mind without addressing and reframing it. Doing so will help you to change your mindset and stop reinforcing your fears about loving or being loved. The next time you have a negative thought, turn it into a positive one.  For example, if you are worried about being rejected, you might think something like, “She’s way out of my league. She’s going to dump me.” Or, if you feel unworthy of being loved you might think something like, “You are too ugly for anyone to ever love you, so don’t even try.” These thoughts are damaging to your self-esteem and to your ability to love and be loved. If you are dealing with these types of negative thoughts, you will need to work to silence them and change them. The next time that you find yourself thinking a negative thought, stop yourself and change the thought. If you think to yourself, “She’s way out of my league. She’s going to dump me,” turn it into something more positive. Change it to something like, “She’s a beautiful woman. I am excited to see where this relationship goes.” You might also benefit from some positive self-talk regarding love. Try using positive daily affirmations to develop more positive feelings about love. Positive daily affirmations can help you to deal with the negative emotions that may be part of your fears about love. Take a few moments each day to look at yourself in the mirror and say something positive about love. You can say something that you believe about love or something that you would like to believe about love. Some examples of things you might tell yourself include:  “I am worthy of love.” “I will have a fulfilling loving relationship someday.” “Love is a wonderful thing.” Vulnerability is defined as the risk and uncertainty that comes along with emotional exposure. People who fear loving and being loved often have their defenses up in a relationship. If you want to overcome your fear of loving and being loved, you will need to lower your defenses and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner. This might sound frightening, but it is an important step to become more comfortable with love. Common defenses against feeling vulnerable include retreating into a fantasy world or presenting yourself in a less than ideal way.  Identify the defenses that you use to prevent yourself from feeling vulnerable. What are your defenses? How can you lower them and begin to allow yourself to be more vulnerable? In your next relationship, try taking the long view — using memories of past happiness as insurance for the future or recalling the original commitment and promises made each other. Talking to someone about your fears and feelings may help you to deal with your fears about loving and being loved. If you are in a relationship consider sharing these feelings with your partner. Telling your partner how you feel can open up the possibilities for greater intimacy in your relationship. Make sure that you have this discussion with your partner when you are both calm, not after or during an argument.  If you are not in a relationship or if you are not ready to talk to your partner about your feelings, talk to a trusted friend instead. Try starting by saying something like, “I think my past/current relationship problems were caused by some of my fears about love. I am trying to work through those feelings so that the problems do not continue. Would you be willing to discuss that with me?” Sometimes fears related to loving and being love are so severe that you need to get help from a counselor. If your problems continue despite your attempts to make thing better, consider talking to a counselor about these issues. A counselor can help you to get to the root of the problems and deal with them so that you can have healthier relationships in the future.
Challenge your negative thoughts. Work to develop positive thoughts about love. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Discuss your fears with your partner or a trusted friend. Consider talking to a counselor if your problems continue.