NKOSINATHI NKOHLA
You know the things happened in such a way that they were - you didn't have any alternative.  In the beginning I had confidence in the court of law and believed that they would do whatever they could to prove that what the police were saying was not in line with what had happened.
And I believed that the Court would be able to prove what is the truth and what was not the truth.  But in the end the Court did not do as we expected -  instead they took lies and made their verdict upon the lies which were presented there.
There was a pending appeal and they refused and turned it down and they said it would be difficult to accept the appeal.  You know when this happened it was possible for me now to decide on getting involved in the hunger strike.  But we didn't get the appeal besides what we had done.
At the end I gave up the hunger strike to use it as a weapon and decided to eat again.  I feel very bad about what happened.  The people who made me suffer a lot and who affected me emotionally and psychologically it is  the police and it is because they used me and the way in which they treated me it was not accepted.
Because I had apologised to the community from two - three weeks they arrested me again and they assaulted me, tortured me in the prison and they said I must choose between themselves and the ANC.  So my choice was clear that  I wanted to be with my people and I wanted to be with the people that I have been working with, with confidence.
They released me at a later stage but they did not like what I had said to them because after a few days again they came back and then they wanted to take me again to the same situation in which I was -  they wanted to use me again - I know it is painful for those who have suffered along.
I was forced to avoid going to the other people, I was also forced to move around some people.  I then used dagga to try to sort my problems out.  I wanted to regain myself and I wanted to go to be involved in the movement again but the police kept on visiting me and tried to give an impression that I was still working with them.
But I can see I was fortunate because I am still alive today and there are still the comrades who are still prepared to accept me as one of theirs.  The police always liked it when there is always chaos amongst us they didn't want peace, they wanted us to fight each other.  I am so hurt about what happened.  It is beyond expression.  
The police will never like anybody - they lack humanity, they are everything that you can think of which is very negative and horrible.  They destroyed my life,  even today I am trying to gain my previous self,  but I am unable to do so.  I cannot get the peace of mind irrespective of whatever I do - what they did to me keeps coming on again.
When I think of what they did to me for something which I did not even do.  I begin to realise how cruel the police could be.    I was worried because they wanted me to act against the people who were innocent.  They wanted me to say and accuse people who were innocent just because they wanted me  - they knew that I would be fond - I am fond of money and I might be influenced and tempted by the money.  So they used it to use me against my people.  And they could have left me alone so that I could join my people.  I can just explain and say the other parents who could have felt negative towards me, they might have had a negative attitude towards me because of what I did.  I just pray God and praise him for the fact that I am still alive.  I do not believe that I will ever act against anybody and I will never witness against any person and give false information about anybody.
For all these years I have been suffering - I don't even know how I am going to survive.  I failed school, I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I felt disgraceful and I could not do anything to prevent what was happening to me.  I think I would like to have some freedom inside me but the boers and the police prevented me from gaining that freedom and they took it so negatively and so horribly by wanting me and influencing me to act against my people.