FELICIA AZANDE DLODLO
I was very depressed because like any young woman at the time, I really looked forward to married life. I mean he came especially just to marry me in December 1986, then left again, so we had been married for exactly five months when he died.  I was quite lonely and some of the people within the ANC had been taken away, killed, people whom we had been close to, and there were times when I began to despair, and wonder whether our struggle was really worth it, whether we'd ever attain the goal that we were fighting for, because it looked like we were just coming to Swaziland to get killed. So I was really depressed and I think I felt sorry for my son, because he was only two and I just imagined what it was like to grow up without a father, and that really hurt. We didn't get much sympathy from the Swaziland Government because even like in my case, it was exactly a year after he had been killed and they just came and took me into custody and told me that I had to leave.  So we never had any real counselling of any sort, it was like you're supposed to get on with it, you should realise that this is the kind of life you would be exposed to. And going to Lusaka, meeting Maniki, I just thought, what kind of world is this, you know people you live with, meanwhile they're going to kill you because I discovered later on that that very same night when my husband was killed, Maniki had been there with them at this gathering.  So I just asked myself, what kind of world this is, you sit with people at a party and have a nice time and meanwhile they know that within an hour's time you will be dead. It just came to a stage where I just couldn't trust anybody anymore, and my mother wanted me to come to Britain because she realised that I was terribly frustrated and she wanted to help me as best as she could.
 When I got to Britain I found a number of British people who were very sympathetic and they would ask me questions about Swaziland, and I would talk, and they asked me if I would mind going on a speaking tour of the British Anti Apartheid Movement, and I went all over Britain speaking about the South African Death Squads and what it was like, the pain and the anguish that we have to go through.  So I believed that even those speaking tours were quite therapeutic for me, they helped me to get it out of my system.