my church journey: be myself? or a nice Christian girl?
The thing is, when I do things by being "myself" - I'm instantly under this condemnation of "not being Christian enough."
I'll be honest here. I am scared of "myself" when it comes right down to it.
G said the other day that she hardly recognized me when I got up and did that presentation at that meeting. She said the quiet, polite Norma disappeared, and suddenly there was a self-confident, professional, knowledgeable woman, able to field and answer questions, with a clear, confident voice. She said she was so impressed.
The thing is - that's where I like to be. That's where I'm comfortable.
But I'm terrified of what people will think of me. I'm terrified of being seen as pushy and overbearing (I was astonished to hear "self-confident, professional ... impressed"). I'm terrified of overstepping the bounds of a "nice Christian girl who knows her bounds."
I want to step out and be myself. All my life I've wondered how God (yes, You, Lord) could make me like I am, when apparently what I am "naturally" is all "wrong" (evil!) for a Christian woman - wife, teacher, "leader" (oops ... oh, evil L word).
Is it "wrong" for me to give up my dreams? (Or to just "turn them over to You, surrender them, give them up to You..."). (Or is it that I am actually "giving up on them" - thinking that they were "all about me" and "selfish" - and probably "undeserving" maybe - and yes, "evil," all along?).
I really am confused. What if Your really don't want me to be a "good, nice little Christian girl"?? What if You really did make me with this "abrasive" personality? What if my beloved-by-everybody-and-worshiped-by-me mom (and Grandpa) were doing the same thing? What if "keeping the peace" isn't all it's cut out to be?
I'm tired of being "pushed around" by the "Pastor." I'm tired of being "just a woman, working in the kitchen" - supposedly not able to do anything "brave" - and certainly not anything "spiritual" - which is the feeling I get. So am I just be "selfish" again? And "unsubmissive"? R is happy "in the kitchen." I enjoy it there to a degree - but I surely don't feel it is my "calling."
I'm tired of "being Christian."
But longing to follow You. Really follow You.