The metaphor of an anchor is very appropriate because when we feel adrift, lost, confused and overwhelmed by parenting it is helpful to put down an anchor to stabilize ourselves and find a calm place in my mind and body. We can rely on the anchor because it is heavy and solid and it won’t let us down.
The baby’s crying and you’ve done everything (changed nappy, fed her, cuddled her etc). You want to cry too.
School holidays and the kids are screaming at each other they are bored and you’re clean out of ideas.
Your toddler’s has just refused to eat his food again and you’ve cooked it just the way he likes it.
The sense of calm you get from anchoring can help you find that inner resource and bring it out when and where you need it. You can anchor anywhere at any time and it takes seconds.
And you can teach this technique to your child or young person.
Help them choose an anchor that they can easily access anywhere because you need it to be something that doesn’t draw attention to themselves at school or with their friends. If they are in the playground or park, a friend’s house or a birthday party they won’t want to be doing anything strange that their friends will notice.
Good anchors are natural actions such as picturing you or their pet if they are visual, quietly humming some music if they are auditory or maybe a 'thumbs up sign' if they are kinaesthetic.
Ask them to close their eyes and think about a time or situation when they feel calm and relaxed, strong and in control. Suggest they imagine themselves there now. Maybe they'd like to go there, draw it or talk about it.
Ask them - What can you see? Describe the scene as if they are there now, maybe they are actually there. Suggest they increase the brightness and focus on everything in their picture.
What can they hear? Is there music, are people talking?
What are they doing? What is happening? Is it hot or cold, how do they feel?
When they are really feel associated into the situation and as calm and confident as you think they could possibly be, fire the anchor. Do the thing you have decided to do as your anchor.
When they seem to have lost the calm state - you can tell because they might open their eyes or start fidgeting, ask them to pretend to sneeze on an imaginary ice cream. This is a great way to 'break state' .
Repeat step 1 and ask them again to make the images, sounds and feelings very strong before they fire the anchor.
Repeat the process. It will probably be quite quick by now.
Now they have their anchor, suggest they use it whenever they need that resource. You can help them establish different anchors for other resources.
Even very small children can quickly anchor a feeling of being brave. You will need to help them recall when they were brave and describe it to them as they establish the anchor. Use the same words each time as this helps them remember it for themselves.
​If you want any help with this process please email me and I'll go through it with you one on one.
Why learn to coach children using NLP?
‘Neuro’ is how we think, based on our values and beliefs about the world we live in and how it works. It’s how we process what we see hear and feel. It’s unique to us.
‘Linguistic’ is what we say based on those thoughts and our body language, it’s how we express ourselves, how we communicate.
‘Programming’ is the result we get from what and how we communicate, the patterns of behaviour and the result of how we behave.
By getting in touch with what we do unconsciously, the things that have become habits, and make them conscious, we can decide how we might change them in order to get the result we want now.
It is about change and the desire to change and make new patterns by examining how we think and what we say and experimenting with other options that will make a difference.
How will it benefit parents?
In parenting we fall into patterns of behaviour sometimes because that’s what we’ve always done, or it’s what our parents did, what we believe is the ‘right thing’ to do or say and despite evidence that it’s not working we continue to do these things in the hope that one day we will get the results we want.
‘If we always do what we’ve always done then we will always get what we’ve always got’. I ask parents what they want to change. What is their desired outcome? What do they want rather than what they don’t want. So often parents think in terms of what they don’t want. Tantrums, answering back, disobedience, cheek, untidiness these are often mentioned. Parents use the ‘don’t word all the time. They focus their attention on what’s not going well.
I encourage them to use ‘towards’ thinking and ask them to notice their children’s good behaviour rather than their ‘bad ‘ behaviour. What you focus on is what you get more of and that is so true in parenting.
There are a great many reasons why NLP works so well with kids and young people.
Children are like sponges, they soak up new ideas and embrace change and choices. They have not become numbed by bitter experience or resentful. They are open and ready to learn.
NLP is positive, it is about focusing on what we do want not what we don’t want, focusing on when things are going well, modeling excellence, what we do well and the structure of excellence.
We even teach that there’s no failure only feedback, how empowering is that for a child?!
We do not prescribe, we give children choices and the more choices they have, the more flexibility and the more control they have in every situation.
Everything is possible with NLP the only thing stopping a child is the child itself but sadly parents often get in the way by giving them limiting beliefs which we then have to show them how to remove.
Much of our work will be with parents because of this and the fact that they will model behaviour that is not resourceful to the child. Whenever possible I will encourage a parent to have a session with me before seeing their child as this prepares them, informs them and enables the child to have a more meaningful conversation with them after their session.
I have been training NLP Practitioners in working with children and young people for 6 years. I am certified as a trainer through ANLP and my courses are accredited to Sue Knight who trained me.
It is on Skype so you can work from your own home, record the session and make notes.
It is an individual session which means that you can ask questions as we go along, contribute your own experiences, discuss application of NLP and anything you don’t understand can be immediately explained.
The sessions are weekly, giving you time in between modules to absorb and integrate what you have learned and apply it through a short homework exercise which usually involves working with a child or young person.
If you intend to work with children and young people then I can offer you the benefit of many years’ specialist experience.
The course focuses on working with children whereas most NLP courses are focused on the workplace and on working with adults.
You get individual feedback from me on your homework and the opportunity to improve on it. I then invite you to share it in our private Facebook group where you can read other students’ homework and have feedback on your own.
Once you’ve qualified you can continue to use the student Facebook group for advice and ideas and I can help or mentor you in any way you need.
If for any reason you need to rearrange your session this can be done relatively easily.
The final module Module 12 covers marketing your business which is not usually covered on NLP courses.
My background is children’s market research for TV companies, publishers and toy companies.
So children have been a big part of my life for many years even before I set up NLP Kids, coaching children and young people and training those who want to work with them.
Module 1 – Introduction to the course and discussion of your personal and professional goals. What is NLP and how it works with kids and parents.
Module 2 – Establishing your clients’ processing (internal referencing – visual, auditory, kinaesthetic)and explaining it to them. Meta-Programmes and how to use them at school, home and socially. Accessing skills and learning how to transfer them. Learn Anchoring.
Module 4 – Beliefs of excellence and modelling excellence. Learn Modelling.
Module 8 – Managing Behavioural Issues including anger. Learn Mindfulness.
Module 9 – Improve learning skills, focus and concentration. Learn Grounding.
Module 12 – Marketing, Social Media / Blogging etc.
Skype sessions have this structure.
The course of 12 one hour lessons via Skype, costs £750 paid in advance.
On receipt, you will get a copy of ‘NLP Workbook’ and ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ these will be your reference books for the course.
I will email the script after each session and you can record the session yourself using Skype or your phone or other device. There will be about an hour of homework. I’m looking for engagement with the content, thoughtfulness as to how you will apply it and something added by you at a personal level based on your own knowledge and work with children. You can SKYPE me at any time to discuss the course content or any questions you have with your assignment.
After the 11th Module you will present a final assignment to me via Skype and other students may join us. These will be individual 30 minute presentations on one element of NLP with Kids. You can choose whatever age group you want to focus on for the exercise and/or what issue. You need to be rock solid on the techniques and skills and show that you can pass these on to us as a model. It won’t be enough just to feed back to me what I’ve taught you. You will need to incorporate your own experience, research and ideas and other students’ work.
Why train to work with kids using NLP?
A question I am frequently asked by NLP Practitioners who have children is "Why do I need to do your course, I know how to communicate with children." But truly it is quite different working with children as a therapist compared to having a load of kids over for a sleepover and finding it a breeze.
So I thought I’d share with you just how different it can be. It is based on my experience as a Kids Practitioner, Montessori Teacher, Mum of four and more importantly a Trainer of the NLP Kids Practitioner Distance Learning course.
Firstly, the child has not self-referred (although I have had a few teenagers who have done so- one even dragged his parents along with him!) so they do not necessarily feel they need to be ‘fixed’. They have made no financial investment in the process nor any emotional investment. Indeed they don’t even want to be there and can think of plenty of far more fun things to do on a Saturday or after school. You don’t even feature on their list.
They come into my room, shoulders hunched up, head down with mum saying “say hello to Judy now”. You might get a grunt. They don’t want to be there and they aren’t going to make it easy for you and why should they? This certainly wasn't their idea unlike the vast majority of adult clients you'll see.
The second thing is that they're worried they'll 'get it wrong'. By that I mean that in every other aspect of their life they know that there are right and wrong answers. Children are used to adults having ‘the right answer’ in their heads and when they feel vulnerable they are scared that they won’t know what that is. So we always start with some art and craft, a walk round the garden, playing with Lego or something which can't have a right or wrong component. No I wouldn't do this with my adult clients!
Thirdly when they do trust me enough to start opening up, they don't have the vocabulary. I don't mean they don't know words. Of course they do but finding the words to express their feelings, feelings they can hardly understand, is almost impossible. So we use indirect questioning techniques and a lot of 'clean language'. I find drama, music and art very useful and we also play with glove puppets, stones, Moshi Monsters and talk about cartoon characters.
Children are wonderful to work with. They are very different to working with adults and very rewarding. I don't train people who don't have children as all your homework is practical and has to be done with children or teenagers. But my students have without exception found that the training they have had from me has not only enabled them to confidently work with child clients but has also really improved the bond they have with their own children.
You can find out more about training with me on the What we offer page and use the drop down menu to find NLP Kids Practitioner Training. I am in the process of being accredited by the ANLP but I do offer a residential course lasting a week and based in my own home, if that suits you better than the 12 weekly Skype sessions.