You cannot overestimate the mood of paranoia, hilarity and madness that pervades Westminster. Normal looking MPs seem to have messages branded on their foreheads: "tennis court repairs", "wife's tampons", like Hawthorne's scarlet letter.
I bumped into a Labour member. "I'm forming a support group called MPs Anonymous," he said. "We'll stand round in a circle and say: 'I'm an MP, but I am determined not to relapse.' "
In the chamber, members still went through the bowing and scraping, "with your permission, Mr Speaker" routine, as if he mattered. I haven't found an MP who doesn't think Michael Martin should go, but Labour doesn't want a byelection and the Tories don't want the next Speaker elected by a Labour majority.
MacKay made his way down Millbank, the latter-day Via Dolorosa that leads to the 24-hour news studios. With his weird complexion and bulging eyes, the poor fellow looked like a kipper that had been smoked before it was dead. "I was advised to do it [by the fees office]," he said. The fees office, which approved so many of these bizarre claims, seems to have been run on the lines of an East End used car dealership. "If you got cash, I can knock the VAT off, mate ... Now this is a lovely motor. Don't worry about the blood on the back seat, we can clean that up for you."
MacKay's interviewer seemed ­puzzled. "You said that you had a friendly conversation [with Cameron]. But he's told the media that he is very angry."
MacKay: "Well, it was friendly within limits." What a fabulous euphemism for gibbering rage and hatred!
In the chamber things were even more lunatic. Up for debate was discrimination against transgender people and whether they would be protected as well as transexuals. No, I don't know either. But Vera Baird (she tried to claim Xmas decorations) took it seriously. The voice of Sir Patrick Cormack thundered out: "God preserve us!"
Up in Derbyshire, Gordon Brown was trying to launch an election campaign. He still doesn't realise how dreadful things are. He is in denial. To misquote Pam Tillis's country hit: "You can call him Tutankhamun, the king of denial." He finally announced that Elliot Morley – £16,800 over 20 months for the phantom mortgage – had been drummed out of the Brownies. But what was hypnotic was the grin – like Dracula's chilling smile, it is back. It will never go away!