
English as She Is Spoke

, commonly known by the name English as She Is Spoke, is a 19th-century book written by Pedro Carolino, with some editions crediting José da Fonseca as a co-author. It was intended as a Portuguese–English conversational guide or phrase book; however, as the "English" translations provided are usually inaccurate or incoherent, it is regarded as a classic source of unintentional humour in translation. 
The humour is largely a result of Carolino's indiscriminate use of literal translation; this causes many idiomatic expressions to be translated ineptly. For example, Carolino translates the Portuguese phrase as "raining in jars", when an analogous English idiom is available in the form of "raining buckets".
It is widely believed that Carolino could not speak English, and that a French–English dictionary was used to translate an earlier Portuguese–French phrase book, , written by José da Fonseca. Carolino likely added Fonseca's name to the book without his permission in an attempt to give it some credibility. The Portuguese–French phrase book is apparently a competent work, without the defects that characterize "English as She Is Spoke".
The title "English as She Is Spoke" was given to the book in its 1883 republication; this phrase does not actually appear in the original phrasebook, nor does the word "spoke".
Cultural appraisals and influence.
Mark Twain said of "English as She Is Spoke" that "Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect."
Stephen Pile mentions this work in "The Book of Heroic Failures" and comments: "Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the vividness of "to craunch a marmoset"?" The original has "to craunch the marmoset", an entry under the book's "Idiotisms and Proverbs". This is the author's attempt to translate the French slang idiomatic expression , used to indicate "waiting patiently for someone to open a door", with referring to the "knocking" or "rapping" sound, and , a term for the grotesque door knockers in vogue at the time. The term is presumably inspired by the marmot's large teeth, as many of the grotesque door knockers were figures holding the knocker clasped in their teeth. "Craunch" is an archaic term meaning 'to chew' or 'crunch'. In Modern French, usually means "to crunch" (cf. croque monsieur); its use in this idiom is a survival from the Middle French meaning of , , which meant "to slap, hit, strike". See croquet.
Tristan Bernard wrote a very short comedy with a similar name, (1899). Ionesco's (1950) is mostly made of lines used out-of-context from inter-lingual conversation books. British comedy television series "Monty Python's Flying Circus" made use of the theme of the mis-translating guide in the sketch "Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook" (1970), which may have been directly inspired by "English as She Is Spoke".
Phrase examples.
In addition to the examples above, Carolino managed to create a number of words which added to the book's unintentionally comic effect. Many can be found in the "Familiar Dialogues" section and include: "Sook here if I knew to tame hix", "It want to have not any indulgence with the bat baffoons" and "There is some game on they cantons?".
Related titles.
The phrase inspired some other publications, notably:
Contemporary allusions.
The phrase "English as she is spoke" is nowadays used allusively, in a form of linguistic play, as a stereotypical example of bad English grammar.
In January 1864, President Abraham Lincoln and Secretary of State William H. Seward laughed aloud as Lincoln's private secretary John Hay read aloud from the book. The book has been cited as one example of many diversions that Lincoln used to lighten his heart and mind from the weight of the Civil War and his cabinet's political infighting.
The Monty Python sketch "Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook" is a take on the idea, in which a publisher created a Hungarian-English phrasebook with deliberately mis-translated phrases.
The English rock band Cardiacs used passages from the book in their 1999 album "Guns", most notably in the songs "Cry Wet Smile Dry" and "Sleep All Eyes Open."