How to Break up With Your Live‐In Boyfriend or Girlfriend
Breaking up with your live-in boyfriend or girlfriend can be tough, but a little preparation will make things easier. Once you've told them you want to break up, have an honest conversation about ground rules and who should live where. If the home previously belonged to one of you before you got together, that person should get to stay. Alternatively, you may both need to move out if you can't afford it separately. Ideally, 3-6 months should be a reasonable amount of time for finding a new place. In the meantime, set some rules for living together while broken up to make it easier for everyone. You'll probably need to sleep in separate rooms or alternate sleeping on the couch. You'll also need to give each other more space than you have in the past.
Sort out your feelings ahead of time. It's important to think about exactly why you want to break up ahead of time. Even if your partner realizes it's time to break up, he or she will probably still have questions that you need to answer. You need to be able to say why you want to break up and clearly lay that out for your partner. Think about when you started noticing things were going wrong. What prompted you to start thinking about ending your relationship? What do you think is not working? Why do you think it can't be fixed? A few concrete things to think about include whether you still laugh together, whether you have similar goals, how your sex life has been, whether you communicate well, and how balanced the relationship is. Think about your financial situation. If you're breaking up with someone, you, of course, need to be able to live independently. For instance, you'll need to take care of all of the rent and bills at your place if your partner moves out. If you can't afford to live where you are by yourself, you may need to find a new place. If you would need to be the one to move out, you may want to find a new place to live before you have the conversation, so you can be prepared to move. You may have to make sacrifices to move out, such as moving in with a family member for a little while. Prepare your partner ahead of time. It's better not to just attack someone with unexpected bad news when they're not expecting it. Therefore, let your partner know you want to talk about your relationship, and set up a good time to do it. Pick a time when you both have enough time to talk. Also, make sure your full attention is on the matter at hand. Be sure to have the conversation in a private place and in person. This conversation isn't one you want to have over the telephone or email. Get the bad news out of the way upfront. Don't try to temper the bad news by leading with good news. If you're having a serious talk, your partner knows the bad news is coming. You might as well start with that, so you can get to the meat of the conversation more quickly. You can just start with, "I know you know things haven't been good with us lately. I'm to the point where I think breaking up is the best option." That being said, you don't need to bash your partner. In fact, saying what you like about the person after you've made the announcement can help take the sting out of it a little bit. Focus on what's not working. Instead of putting blame on the other person, discuss why you think the relationship isn't working. You don't have to be negative. In fact, you can stay positive throughout the breakup, while still acknowledging things aren't working. For instance, you wouldn't want to say, "You're emotionally unavailable, and you've ruined this relationship." Rather, you should say, "I feel like we're drifting apart emotionally. I don't think we're as close as we used to be." Hear the other person. Even if you're determined to break up, you need to give your partner a chance to respond. They're going to need a moment to process what you're saying and figure out what they're feeling, which they may do out loud. Give them a chance to do so, and listen attentively to what they're saying. Make sure you're hearing what the person is saying, not just thinking about what you want to say next. Ask questions that show you've heard what they've said and you want to explore further. For instance, you could say, "What I think you're saying is your upset that I'm bringing this up at a time when you're stressed. How can I help de-stress the situation? Nod and use body language to show you're listening, like looking the person in the eyes. Talk about what plans you've made. If you've already made plans to move out, you need to bring it up now. That way, your partner has time to get used to the idea and make financial plans for living without you. Plus, it takes away the stress of your partner having to find a place to live. For example, you could say, "Now, I don't want you to worry about finding a new place. I've already found somewhere to live, so you can stay here." Focus on the goal. Your goal is to breakup, and once you've listened to your partner, you may need to reiterate the fact that you do want to break up. Sometimes, it takes hearing something more than once for it to sink in, and your partner may work to convince you that you should stay together. If your partner is arguing to stay together, tell them gently but resolutely that you've made a decision: "I understand that you feel we can work this out. However, I don't think we can. I want to move on." Decide who gets to keep the house or apartment. Have an honest conversation about who should live where. You need to decide, for instance, who will be staying in your current place, and you both need to voice your opinion about it. If the house or apartment belonged to one of you before you got together, then it should stay with that person. If you got it while you were together, you may both need to move out, especially if you can't afford it separately. Make an agreement about finances. Some couples simply don't have the finances to move out immediately. You need to have an earnest discussion about whether that's true or not. If you must stay in the apartment together for some time, you'll need to decide how finances will be taken care of. For instance, are you going to pay the bills in the same way? Will you have separate food bills now? If the other person can't afford to move out without help, you may decide you want to help them get past the initial expense, but that's totally your call. Don't forget legal issues. For instance, if you rent or have bills jointly, you're both still legally responsible for those bills. Set a time limit. You've broken up, and therefore, there needs to be a time limit for how long it will be until one of you leaves. Four to six months is reasonable for finding a new place, with the stipulation that you or the other person is trying to get out as soon as possible. Discuss custody agreements. If you have kids together, you'll need to come to an agreement about where they will live. You also need to decide how the kids will be able to spend time with both of you, as well as who will pay for what when it comes to clothing, schooling, and healthcare. If you don't involve lawyers, keep in mind that any custody agreement you make could have legal ramifications later. That is, if you decide the kids will stay with one parent more, a judge may take that into account later. If you can't come to a custody agreement, you may need to hire a lawyer. Divide up the property. When you live together, your property gets jumbled together, and dividing it can get confusing. However, if you two can agree on some clear rules, it can make it easier to divide up your property. For instance, anything either person bought on their own belongs to them. The same goes for anything either person inherited. If you gave a gift to the other person, it goes to them. If you bought it together, you'll either have to agree to take certain items or maybe buy each other out of expensive items, such as televisions. Set social ground rules. You'll need to decide who's going to sleep where. You'll have to set up rules about when and where you two can date, if you decide that's an option while still living together. You may need to set rules about who can use the kitchen when, if you really can't stand to be around each other anymore. If space is limited, you may have to share certain commodities. For instance, one person gets the bed one night, then switches to the couch the next night. Respect personal boundaries. Now that you've broken up, you're going to need new emotional and social boundaries. You're both going to need to be able to say when you need privacy, and you'll both need to be able to respect that privacy. You don't need to be mean about it, just firm. For instance, say your partner asks what you're doing this evening, and you have a date. You could just say, "I'm going to be out tonight," and leave it at that. When you were together, you had a right to know where your partner was most of the time. Now, though, you must respect that you don't have that right anymore. Skip the sex. It can be tempting to fall into old habits when you still live together. However, it's important to set clear boundaries now that you've broken up. If you have sex together, you are raising false hopes that you may get back together. Decide on a chore chart. When you're a couple, you can work together to get the household responsibilities done. When you're separated, you need to be more clear about who does what. Have a conversation to divide up the chores, making sure they're even. Of course, you want to keep more personal chores separate now. If you've always done her or his laundry, you shouldn't be doing that anymore. In other words, each person should be responsible for his or her own chores, as well as splitting up the household ones. Try to create space. That is, try to make spaces where you each can have your own privacy. If you live in a tiny apartment, that may not be as feasible. However, you should try to carve out areas where you can each be alone. For instance, if you have the bed one night, you stay in the bedroom while your partner gets the living room to themselves. Give each other space to grieve. Breaking up is going to be hard on both of you, even when you're doing the breaking up. That means that you both may be hurt and angry for a time, and you need to respect that about the other person. That means trying not to engage in arguments with the other person and looking the other way when emotions get the better of you or the other person. 
Sort out your feelings ahead of time. Think about your financial situation. Prepare your partner ahead of time. Get the bad news out of the way upfront. Focus on what's not working. Hear the other person. Talk about what plans you've made. Focus on the goal. Decide who gets to keep the house or apartment. Make an agreement about finances. Set a time limit. Discuss custody agreements. Divide up the property. Set social ground rules. Respect personal boundaries. Skip the sex. Decide on a chore chart. Try to create space. Give each other space to grieve. 