Republican
1)  Somebody who's never been unemployed (or else is so rich that they've never needed a job.)  Someone who's never been without health insurance.  

2)  Someone who's so sanctimonious and prissy that they'll never get laid -  so he/she is against sex, contraceptives, and abortion.  

3)  Someone who's an unpopular loser who never had a day of fun in his/her life, unless it was bullying other people.  So he/she is against anything fun (drugs, sex, rock 'n' roll.)

4)  Someone who buys a big, expensive house in a fancy neighborhood, and then whines about paying high taxes.  
I'm not independently wealthy, and I have a sex life - so I can't afford to be a Republican.