birthday
Birthdays mean different things to men and women.

Men - A day when you go out to a bar and have your friends buy you drinks. If you have a girlfriend she'll probably put out, if not then picking up some chick at the bar is a high priority. You are now 1 year older and can still pick up young girls, congratulations you've aged with sophistication. The older you are the more likely these young girls will believe that you've got money to take care of them. It's important to remember not to get attached to these young girls. You don't want to end up married do you? Compare your hair loss to the previous year, is the Rogaine working? Probably not.

Women - A day when you go out to a bar and have your friends buy you drinks. If you have a boyfriend he'll probably go down on you, if not then it's important to spend a large portion of the day thinking about why you don't have a boyfriend and if you'll ever get married. Sure Tom was an alcoholic who beat you on daily occasions, but you don't want to end up alone do you? When out with your friends it's important to remember what age you really are compared to five year spread you've been lying to people about. You're not turning 33, you're turning 29. There seems to be less guys looking in your general direction at the bar this year compared to last year's birthday, time to contemplate botox. Compare your amount of cellulite to last year's amount. Are those pilate workouts helping? Probably not.
Man - "It's my birthday so lets go out, get drunk and pick up chicks. We'll work up at it down at the local titty bar first, then at the local shit hole of a bar later. I'll wear my hat."

Woman - "It's my birthday so lets go out, get drunk and bad mouth men cause I'm turning 29 ... again. I'll wear my push up bra."