bastard
Highly versatile comparative noun.  You can be absolutely *anything* as a bastard: as rich as a bastard, as poor as a bastard, as clever as a bastard, as thick as a bastard.  It is even possible to be as legitimate as a bastard.
1. "Jeez, what did I drink last night?  I was as drunk as a bastard!"

2. "No, officer, I have not been drinking.  I'm as sober as a bastard."
