Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight: What do you think?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid?
Dwight: Sure
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?
Dwight: Inbwit? Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: I...
Jim: What?
Dwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: So what's in the box?
Stanley: A toaster, you?
Karen: A toaster.
Stanley: Unbelievable.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hello, Angela.
Angela: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Those flowers are nice.
Karen: Yeah. P and R?
Jim: Phyllis and Robert.
Karen: Ah, of course.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Also, Pam and Roy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael: How you doin'? You excited.
Phyllis: Yes, very.
Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...
Phyllis: That wasn't me.
Michael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis: I thought it was...
Michael: Here, let me...
Phyllis: Michael... No.
Michael: Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.
Michael: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!
Michael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight: No way.
Jim: Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight: Of course I saw it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.
Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?
Toby: At the gym.
Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly: I know but there was an emergency.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: I look really good in white.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: That's my dress.
Michael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]
Dwight: It's a miracle.
Crowd: [generalized clapping]
Michael: This is bull****!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest: And do you, Bob...
Michael: Oh, shiii...
Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance: I do.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis: Thanks Angela.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine
Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?
Uncle Al: Who?
Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.
Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al: Oh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.
Michael: I will take care of that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam: You're kidding me, right?
Roy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Sorry about that.
Pam: It's okay.
Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!
Crowd: [cheering and clapping]
Unknown: She is.
Randy: Cheers.
Crowd: Cheers.
Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...
Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough.
Michael: is a guy that...
Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me...
Michael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance: Give me the microphone.
Michael: No. I'm not going to...
Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael: Ok. All right.
Bob Vance: You're out of here!
Michael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam: Oh... I'm pacing myself.
Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim: I know. It's very cute.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Come... Come on!
Dwight: I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael: Dwight, just...
Dwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Michael: OK.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: Hey, they're playing our song.
Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Toby! Yeah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!
Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis: You found Uncle Al!
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: You're... You're welcome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]


THE YEAR 2030
LIVING ROOM
(Daughter and Son sitting on couch)
Future Ted: So kids, there are many buildings New York City.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY BUILDINGS
Future Ted: Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place.
EXT. APARTMENT
(Marshall sitting on couch playing video game)
Future Ted VO: Marshall playing video games.
(Lily painting on fire escape, drops paintbrush)
Future Ted VO: Lily painting on the fire escape.
Mr. Madsen: Hey!
Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen.
(Ted in kitchen making coffee)
Future Ted VO: And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky
Ted: Plugging in.
Marshall: Saving game.
(Ted plugs in coffeemaker and lights flicker and Ted gets shocked)
(Interior shots of apartment)
Future Ted VO: I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works.
(Marshall and Ted sitting in living room, Lily and Robin enter through front door holding four paper bags)
Lily: You guys will never believe what just happened to us.
Robin: I don't even believe it myself.
Lily: We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment.
INT. LIVING ROOM, YEAR 2030
(Daugher and Son sitting on couch looking bewildered)
Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.
EXT. STREET
(flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment)
Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago.
(Robin laughs)
Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.
(Lily and Robin stop walking, Lily looks confused)
Lily: What the hell?
Robin: What?
Lily: This is my apartment.
Robin: Where?
Lily: Right here.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
(Lily and Robin enter through front door)
Lily: What the hell?
Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.
Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right...
(Lily looks around to point out to Robin where her dresser would be)
Lily: That's my dresser! And this is my closet.
(Lily opens closet door)
And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.
(Lily and Robin look at something on carpet)
(Waitress walks in from kitchen)
Waitress: Hi, how many?
(Lily looks up at Waitress) Waitress: Lily.
Lily: Yes, you know me?
Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person.
Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff? Waitress: It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go?
Lily: This is my apartment!
Waitress: Not anymore.
INT. APARTMENT
(back to Lily and Robin telling this story to Ted and Marshall)
Ted: No way. You're making this up.
Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some sort of notice.
(back to Chinese restaurant flashback)
Waitress: They sent you a notice about this.
Lily: When?
Waitress: Three months ago. Here's your mail minus the magazines.
(back to everyone in apartment)
Marshall: Well, still, legally, they can't just toss you out onto the street. You have a lease.
(back to Chinese restaurant scene)
Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
(Lily turns to Robin)
Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still...
(Lily turns back to Waitress)
Lily: She's dead, isn't she?
Waitress: Never even saw the bus.
INT. APARTMENT
Lily: My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. What am I gonna do?
Ted: Come live with us.
Lily: Really?
Ted: Of course.
Marshall: You sure about this, Ted?
Ted: Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything.
INT. BAR
(Barney, Robin and Ted sit at booth)
Barney: No, it's like it'll change everything. Oh, Ted, you are so screwed.
Ted: What? What are you talking about?
Robin: And why is that girl checking you out?
(Girl at another table is looking at Barney)
Barney: Because I look good. Now focus, you and Marshall are roommates. You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged
Ted: Yeah, so?
Barney: So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out. So who's it gonna be?
Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You talked about who gets the apartment, right?
Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it.
(flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment)
Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
(back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar)
Ted: Dammit Past Ted
Barney: You blew it, dude. Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. They're edging you out.
Ted: That's crazy. They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend.
(Barney exhales loudly)
Ted: One of my best friends. He wouldn't do that to me.
Barney: Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Ted. Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment.
Robin: Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. OK, seriously, what is this girl's deal?
(Girl at other table waves at Barney, Barney waves back)
Barney: Sort of on a date with her.
Ted: What?
Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. (evil laugh) But this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.
Ted: All right.
Robin: You're going to the hospital?
Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.
Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney.
Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck.
(Barney gets up to sit with Girl)
Robin: So, are you gonna talk to Marshall?
Ted: He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. It's gonna lead to an argument, so no.
Robin: Hm, that's real healthy. So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it.
Ted: I should really make this call.
(Ted takes out his cell phone and starts dialing)
Robin: Ooh, can I do it?
(Ted pushes phone over to Robin)
(Barney's phone rings, he answers)
Barney: Hello? Robin: Hi there, sexy.
Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there.
(Barney stammers and gets up to leave, walks by Ted and Robin's booth)
Barney: See you guys later.
(Barney walks out of bar)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily is painting by fireplace, Ted is sitting on couch drinking coffee, Marshall is at table studying)
Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup.
(Marshall smiles at Ted and Lily, Lily smiles back)
Ted: Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great.
(Ted puts down coffee cup and runs to kitchen and sees a different coffeemaker)
Ted: What happened to Shocky?
(Ted notices Shocky in trash can and gasps)
(Ted carries new coffeemaker into living room)
Ted: What's this? Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right?
Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky.
Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty.
Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know.
Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee.
Ted: That's great. You're right. Roomies! I love it.
INT. BAR
(Robin, Ted and Barney sitting at table)
Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!
Ted: It's not just the coffeemaker.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily painting, Marshall studying close by, Ted walks into living room from his bedroom)
Lily: Done. The painting's done.
Marshall: That is great.
Ted: Nice.
Marshall: Where do you wanna hang it?
Lily: I don't know. Um, over the piano?
Ted: Yeah, that would be a good place for it. Too bad the swords are there. We kinda love those swords.
Marshall: Well, those swords have been up there a long time.
Ted: I know, right? I'd really miss them too. So, maybe Marshall's room?
Lily: OK.
INT. BAR
(Robin, Ted, and Barney at table)
Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that?
Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend.
(Barney makes protest sounds)
Robin: One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.
Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike.
Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?
Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big.
Ted: What, like buy a new sofa?
Barney: Bigger.
(Barney looks over and sees Katie enter bar)
Barney: Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law.
Robin: A lemon law, like for cars.
Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now.
(Barney walks over to booth where Katie is sitting and sits down)
Barney: Hi Katie. Barney.
Katie: Hi, it's good to finally meet you.
(Barney looks over at Ted and looks back at Katie)
Barney: Hm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history.
(Barney talks to Katie and she gets up to leave)
Barney (yelling to Katie as she leaves): Tell your friends. Barney (to Robin and Ted at other table): It's gonna be a thing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KITCHEN
(Marshall making sandwich, Lily grabs some drinks from the refrigerator)
Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.
Lily: He's not cool with me moving in.
Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.
Lily: So, what's he PMS'ing about?
(Lily and Marshall take food into other room to eat at table)
Marshall: I don't know. But when he's ready to talk to me about it he'll come and talk to me about it.
Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything.
(knock on front door)
Lily: He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive.
Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted.
(Marshall opens front door)
Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby.
LIVING ROOM
(Marshall sitting on couch, large red phone booth is next to couch, Ted walks in through front door)
Marshall: Your English phone booth arrived.
Ted: Oh, awesome. It's great, right?
Marshall: Yeah, I guess. Just not sure if Lily's gonna like it.
Ted: Well, I like it, so I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool.
Marshall: Of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them.
Ted: Exactly.
Marshall: Great
Marshall: Terrific.
(Marshall walks over to painting)
Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall.
(Marshall takes swords down and throws them down on the ground, hangs painting in their place)
Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it?
Marshall: Bring, bring.
(Marshall walks over to phone booth and picks up phone)
Marshall (in British accent): Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio.
(hangs up phone)
Marshall: Yeah, it's like that.
Ted: I want this apartment.
Marshall: Well, I want it too.
BAR
(Girl #2 standing at table Barney's sitting at)
Girl #2: You're a jerk.
(Girl #2 walks away)
Barney: No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law, it's gonna be a thing!
(Barney walks over to Robin at bar)
Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society.
Barney: No, wrong, lemon law is awesome.
Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great.
Barney: OK, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy.
(Barney points over to geeky guy)
Barney: You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two?
Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate.
Barney: Bad move, Scherbatsky.
(Barney goes over to geeky guy)
Barney: Hi, have you met Robin?
Kevin: Hi.
Robin: Hi.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted and Marshall talking)
Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this.
Marshall: Or we could flip a coin.
Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: OK, I'm flipping it, here I go.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: OK, here I go.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies.
Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What else you got?
Ted: OK, I'm flipping. Heads or tails.
Marshall: You don't need two rooms
Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms?
Marshall: We might be starting a family soon.
Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three years.
Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip.
Ted: Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused.
Marshall: Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know he cooks naked.
Ted: Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.
(Ted runs over to the swords, picks up a sword)
Ted: We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's stupid painting?
Marshall: My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé.
(Marshall picks up other sword) Marshall: Lily's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are too. She's a bro by extension.
Ted: I deserve this apartment, Marshall.
(Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword)
Marshall: No more than I do.
(Marshall taps Ted's sword with his sword)
Ted: Great, so let's flip for it.
(Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword)
Marshall: Flip it.
(Ted gets ready to flip coin, Ted and Marshall start sword fighting)
Ted: So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment?
Marshall: I guess so.
Ted: How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death?
Marshall: We should probably figure that out.
(Marshall swipes at Ted, Ted jumps back and falls into chair)
Ted: It's OK, it's OK.
(Ted gets up and goes to other side of room)
Ted: Can I observe something?
Marshall: That this is kinda awesome?
Ted: Totally.
Marshall: I can't believe we didn't do this before.
Ted: I know!
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin and Kevin sitting at table, waiter dressed in futuristic costume serves them drinks)
Robin: Thank you.
Kevin: I can't believe this. I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet.
Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs.
Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders.
(Robin's cell phone rings)
Robin: Just a second.
(Robin answers her phone)
Robin: Hello.
(Barney on phone looking at his watch)
Barney: (laughs) Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Leave me alone.
(Barney on phone looking at his watch)
Barney: 4:56, 4:57, 4:58.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: We're only just getting to know each other.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital.
(Robin hangs up phone)
Robin: Sorry.
Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go.
Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours.
Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again)
Marshall: That was awesome.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: Do it again.
Ted: OK, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs.
(Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again, Marshall jumps up and Ted swipes sword beneath his feet, the continue sword fight)
Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
Ted: Anhedonic?
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: I know, this rules.
(Marshall and Ted continue sword fight)
Marshall: Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down.
Ted: That's OK, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it?
Marshall: Yeah it did.
(Marshall is standing on table and they lock swords)
Marshall: You remember when we first got these swords?
Ted: It was the day we moved in.
(flashback to day they moved in, Marshall is assembling coffee table, Ted just mounted swords on wall)
Ted: Congratulations, Marshall. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall.
Marshall: List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. Crap. I'm missing one of the screws for this table
Ted: Just use this wood glue, it'll hold.
Marshall: Yeah.
(back to present scene, Lily enters apartment through front door, table collapses under Marshall and he falls back towards front door, Lily screams, Ted screams with horror with hands to face)
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin is on phone)
Robin: Oh God, I'll be right there.
(Robin hangs up phone)
Robin: Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword.
Kevin: Hab slosi quch! You have no honor. You know, if you felt this way you could have just been upfront.
Robin: No, I swear that was a real call. I just...Oh forget it.
(Robin gets up and leaves restaurant) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA
(Ted and Marshall sitting, Marshall's holding flowers)
Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancé.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding. Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment. Marshall: But you fought so bravely for it.
Ted: I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours.
(Robin and Barney enter waiting area)
Robin: Is she OK?
Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.
(Ted, Marshall and Robin look at him surprised)
Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie.
INT. BAR
(Barney sitting at table with Jackie)
Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie O.
Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITNG ROOM
Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.
Robin: But you're totally...
Ted: Just let him have this one.
(Doctor exits examining room to go into waiting area)
Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?
Marshall: That's us.
(Marshall and Ted get up and go into examining room)
INT. EXAM ROOM
(Ted and Marshall stand sheepishly in front of Lily, Lily sits on exam table with right shoulder bandaged)
Lily: A sword fight?
Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broad sword.
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?
Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry. We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won.
Ted: Uh, you didn't win. I gave it to you.
Marshall: Uh, you know, if I tried...
Lily: Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place.
Marshall: Gonna miss the old place.
(Marshall sits next to Lily)
Lily: I will too. We're not getting married for like a year.
Ted: Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. Let that guy deal with it.
Marshall: Totally.
Lily: Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking but I'm starving.
Marshall: Let's go get some dinner.
Lily: I know just the place.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
(Robin, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Barney sitting around table)
Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it.
Lily: I told you. OK, a toast.
(Everyone lifts their cup)
Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
(Everyone clinks glasses)
Everyone: Here here. Cheers
Barney: And to the lemon law.
(Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him)
Barney: Self-clink.
(Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together)
Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses.
Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year.
Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
Marshall (on tape): I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.


EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
A fierce thunderstorm blows outside a remote manor house.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
A young WOMAN enters the parlour to see an older MAN surrounded by tables of electronic equipment.
WOMAN: How are we looking?
MAN: (nervously) Oh... about ready, I think.
WOMAN: Any thoughts on the, er, interference?
MAN: (sits) Erm, a stray FM broadcast, possibly? But I've fitted some ferrite suppressors and some RF chokes. Just in case. (stands and puts a camera around his neck) Are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean, the last time was very...
WOMAN: But she's so lonely.
MAN: Excellent, then. Excellent.
The MAN sits down, puts on a headset and taps on a microphone before speaking into it.
MAN: Caliburn House, night four, November 25th, 1974. 11.04pm.
He nods to the WOMAN and she takes a few steps forward to the archway at the base of the stairs. The MAN stands and holds up a parabolic microphone and aims it towards the arch.
WOMAN: I'm talking to the spirit that inhabits this house. Are you there? Can you hear me? I'm speaking to the lost soul that abides in this place.
The microphone picks up some static and hissing sounds. The MAN looks over to one of the machines that records energy levels. The needles are moving over the paper.
WOMAN: Come to me. Speak to me. Let me show you the way home.
A high-pitched whine comes over the headphones, causing the MAN to shout out and pull them away from his ears. The machinery reacts, registering the sound. A distorted screaming can be heard, The WOMAN backs out of the dark hallway.
WOMAN: Let me show you the way home!
The MAN picks up the camera and begins clicking away as he faces the archway. At each click, a misty white figure appears, an arm stretched out towards them. It comes closer and the WOMAN gasps as the figure appears to pass through her. She falls against a chair and the MAN goes to her.
MAN: Emma?
He holds her and helps her stand. He puts his hands on her shoulders and she grips his lapels.
EMMA: She's so...
MAN: So what?
EMMA: Dead.
There is a knocking at the front door and both turn their heads. They walk slowly to the main door.
INT. HOUSE, FRONT DOOR, NIGHT
The MAN pulls the door open and there's no one there. The DOCTOR sticks his head out from behind the other door.
DOCTOR: Boo! Hello, I'm looking for a ghost.
MAN: And you are...?
CLARA: (stands beside DOCTOR) Ghostbusters!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Matt Smith
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jenna-Louise Coleman
"Hide" By Neil Cross
PRODUCER Marcus Wilson
DIRECTOR Jamie Payne
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOUSE, FRONT DOOR, NIGHT
DOCTOR: (holds up psychic paper) I'm the Doctor.
MAN: Doctor what?
DOCTOR: If you like. And this is Clara. (walks past MAN)
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
The DOCTOR walks into the parlour, excited. He runs over to the machines. The others follow.
DOCTOR: Ah, but you are very different! You are Major Alec Palmer. Member of the Baker Street Irregulars, the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. (whispers to ALEC) Specialised in espionage, sabotage and reconnaissance behind enemy lines. You're a talented water-colourist, professor of psychology AND... ghost hunter! (shakes ALEC'S hand) Total pleasure. Massive.
EMMA: Actually, you're wrong. Professor Palmer spent most of the war as a POW.
DOCTOR: Actually, that's a lie told by a very brave man involved in very secret operations. The kind of man who keeps a Victoria Cross in a box in the attic, eh? But you know that! Because you're Emma Grayling... (walks over and air-kisses both cheeks) the Professor's companion...
EMMA: Assistant.
DOCTOR: It's 1974 - you're the assistant and "non-objective equipment". (looks to CLARA who is by equipment) Meaning "psychic".
CLARA: Getting that. Bless you, though.
The DOCTOR walks over to the area by the equipment.
ALEC: Relax, Emma. He's Military Intelligence. (to DOCTOR) So what's all this in aid of?
CLARA sits on the desk.
DOCTOR: Health and safety! Yeah, the Ministry got wind of what's going on down here. Sent me to check that everything's in order.
ALEC: They don't have the right.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, Guv'nor, I'll be out your hair in five minutes. (looks at equipment and snaps fingers) Oh! Oh, look! Oh, lovely. (sits next to CLARA and plays with a switch) The ACR 99821. Oh, bliss, nice action on the toggle switches. You know, I do love a toggle switch. Actually, I like the word "toggle". Nice noun. Excellent verb. (CLARA touches a switch and the DOCTOR slaps her hand) Oi, don't mess with the settings.
The DOCTOR stands and takes the sonic screwdriver from his inside jacket pocket and scans ALEC and EMMA.
ALEC: What's that?
DOCTOR: Gadget. Health and safety. Classified, I'm afraid. (stops under arch) You know, while the back room boffins work out a few kinks. (turns back around and scans archway)
EMMA: What's it telling you?
DOCTOR: It's telling me that you haven't been exposed to any life-threatening transmundane emanations. So... (spins around and claps his hands) where's the ghost? (walks over to them and picks up lit candelabrum) Show me the ghost.
There is an eerie whooshing and the DOCTOR smiles.
DOCTOR: It's ghost time.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
Outside the storm still rages.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
The DOCTOR walks down the dark hall, the candelabrum the only source of light. ALEC is on his heels. EMMA and CLARA follow.
ALEC: I won't have this stolen out from under me, do you understand?
DOCTOR: Erm, no, not really, sorry.
ALEC: I will not have my work stolen, then be fobbed off with a pat on the back and a letter from the Queen. Never again! This is my house, Doctor, and it belongs to me.
CLARA: This is actually your house?
ALEC: It is.
CLARA: Sorry. You went to the bank and said, "You know that gigantic old haunted house on the moors? The one the dossers are too scared to doss in? The one the birds are too scared to fly over?" And then you said, "I'd like to buy it, please, with my money."
ALEC: Yes, I did, actually.
CLARA: That's incredibly brave.
CLARA hears creaking and looks around nervously.
DOCTOR: Listen, Major, we just need to know what's going on here.
ALEC: For the Ministry?
DOCTOR: You know I can't answer that.
ALEC: Very well. Follow me. (leaves)
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
ALEC has set up a board with pictures and notes of the history of the house and the ghost. The DOCTOR is using the camera to take pictures of himself. CLARA sits and talks with EMMA.
CLARA: So what's an empathic psychic?
The DOCTOR walks between them to the small bar and starts looking at the bottles.
EMMA: Sometimes I... sense feelings. The way a telepath can sense thoughts. Sometimes, though. Not always.
The DOCTOR takes a drink of milk right from the bottle.
DOCTOR: The most compassionate people you'll ever meet, empathics. And the loneliest. I mean, exposing themselves to all those hidden feelings - all that guilt, pain and sorrow and...
CLARA sees EMMA'S discomfort and puts a hand on the DOCTOR'S arm.
CLARA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
CLARA: Shh.
The DOCTOR looks at EMMA. ALEC is ready to show them the board.
ALEC: Would you, er, care to have a look?
The DOCTOR, CLARA and EMMA walk over.
ALEC: Caliburn House is over 400 years old but she's been here much longer... the Caliburn Ghast. She's mentioned in local Saxon poetry and Parish folk tales. The Wraith of the Lady, the Maiden in the Dark... the Witch of the Well.
CLARA: Is she real? As in, actually real?
ALEC: Oh, she's real. In the 17th century, a local clergyman saw her. He wrote that her presence was accompanied by a, "dreadful knocking, as if the Devil himself demanded entry." During the war, American airmen stationed here left offerings of tinned Spam. The tins were found in 1965, bricked up in the servants' pantry, along with a number of handwritten notes. Appeals to the Ghast... "For the love of God, stop screaming."
CLARA: She never changes. The angle's different, the framing, but she's always in exactly the same position. Why is that?
The DOCTOR gets the candelabrum and holds it closer, examining the photos.
ALEC: We don't know. She's an objective phenomenon. But objective recording equipment can't detect her...
DOCTOR: Without the presence of a powerful psychic.
ALEC: Absolutely. Very well done.
EMMA: She knows I'm here...
They turn to look at EMMA.
EMMA: I can feel her... calling out to me.
CLARA: What's she saying?
EMMA: "Help me."
Behind them, a shadow passes the doorway quickly. CLARA turns her head, sensing something, but sees nothing.
DOCTOR: "The Witch of the Well". So where's the well?
ALEC leads the DOCTOR over to a table on which rests plans of the house.
ALEC: A copy of the oldest plan that we could find, there is no well on the property. None that we could find, anyway.
CLARA is staring at the photographs when the DOCTOR comes up behind her and taps her on the head. She gasps and turns on him.
DOCTOR: (whispers) You coming?
CLARA: (whispers) Where?
DOCTOR: (whispers) To find the ghost.
CLARA: (whispers) Why would I want to do that?
DOCTOR: (whispers) Because you want to, come on. (starts for the door)
CLARA: (whispers) Well, I dispute that assertion.
The DOCTOR stops and turns around. He sees EMMA watching them. He nods his head to get CLARA to move.
DOCTOR: (whispers) I'm giving you a face. Can you see me? Look at my face.
CLARA: (whispers) Fine. (walks over) Dare me.
DOCTOR: (whispers) I dare you. No takesies-backsies.
CLARA shakes her head and takes the candelabrum from the DOCTOR and heads through the door. The DOCTOR claps his hands and laughs before following CLARA.
EMMA: The Music Room is the heart of the house.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA walk down the dark corridors.
CLARA: (whispers) Say we actually find her. What do we say?
DOCTOR: (whispers) We ask how she came to be... whatever she is.
CLARA: (whispers) Why?
DOCTOR: (whispers) Because I don't know. And ignorance is... what's the opposite of bliss?
CLARA: (whispers) Carlisle.
DOCTOR: (whispers) Yes! Yes, Carlisle. Ignorance is Carlisle.
As the DOCTOR and CLARA leave a particular hall, there is a snarling and scraping sound and a part of something can be seen in the shadows.
INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA examine the room by candlelight. The DOCTOR ducks a cobweb. He checks the teapot sitting on the table.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
EMMA stands by the fireplace. ALEC is at the desk, looking at the plans.
EMMA: Is he really from the Ministry?
ALEC: Er, I don't know. He's certainly got the right demeanour. Capricious... brilliant.
EMMA: (walks over) Deceitful.
ALEC: Yes! Ha... he's a liar... but, you know, that's often the way that it is... when someone's... seen a thing or two. Experience makes liars of us all. We lie about who we are... about what we've done...
EMMA: And how we feel?
ALEC: Yes... always, always that.
EMMA walks her fingers along to desk towards ALEC'S hand.
ALEC: (nervously) You know, I have to... have to be getting on with things The, erm, the equipment and so forth.
EMMA: Of course.
ALEC walks away.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA enter the room. A harp stands in one corner and there are music stands placed around the room. The DOCTOR scans with the sonic. CLARA stops in the centre and looks around.
DOCTOR: Ah, the Music Room. The heart of the house. Do you feel anything?
CLARA: No.
DOCTOR: Your pants are so on fire.
CLARA walks further into the room until she is by the DOCTOR. The sonic isn't working properly so the DOCTOR taps it against his hand and blows on it.
CLARA: Do you feel like you're being watched?
DOCTOR: What does being watched feel like? Is it that funny tickly feeling on your neck?
CLARA: That's the chap.
DOCTOR: Then, yes, a bit. Well, quite a big bit.
The DOCTOR puts away the sonic and walks towards the door, stopping just in front of it. CLARA hears a whoosh and turns around. The DOCTOR takes a step closer to the door and exhales. His breath can be seen. Creaking and scraping is heard.
CLARA: I think she's here.
The DOCTOR steps forward and exhales. Nothing. He steps back, exhales and sees his breath again.
DOCTOR: Cold spot. Spooky. (turns around) Cold... (steps forward) warm. (back) Cold... (right) warm... (back) cold... (left) warm... (back) cold... (towards door) warm... (back) cold.
A creaking is heard. The DOCTOR draws a chalk circle on the floor to mark the cold spot.
CLARA: Doctor? Doctor!
DOCTOR: What?
CLARA: I'm not happy.
DOCTOR: No.
The DOCTOR leaves the room while CLARA is looking the other way. She turns back and sees him leaving.
CLARA: Hey! (runs after the DOCTOR across the circle)
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
The needles on the machine start moving. ALEC looks over. It stops and starts again. He walks over and looks at the measurements.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
Steam rises from the chalk circle and the line disappears.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA are walking past a window when they hear a thudding.
CLARA: (whispers) What was that?
There are two more thuds. They both breathe out and it is visible. A gust of air blows out the candles. They look at each other, stunned.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
EMMA walks into the room.
ALEC: Does it seem colder?
ALEC looks at the thermometer and the mercury drops to zero.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
The DOCTOR blows on his hands and rubs them together as he and CLARA look at the window as it frosts.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
EMMA looks to the archway.
EMMA: She's coming.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
A loud thudding echoes.
CLARA: OK, what is that?
DOCTOR: (leans on elbow against wall) It's a very loud noise. It's a very loud, very angry noise.
CLARA: But what's making it?!
DOCTOR: I don't know. Are you making it?
There's another loud thud and, with a start, the DOCTOR rushes over to stand beside CLARA.
CLARA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
CLARA: I may be a teeny, tiny bit terrified.
DOCTOR: Yes?
CLARA: But I'm still a grown-up.
DOCTOR: Mainly, yes, and...?
CLARA: There's no need to actually hold my hand.
The DOCTOR holds both hands out in front of him.
DOCTOR: Clara?
CLARA: Yes?
DOCTOR: I'm not holding your hand.
They slowly look behind them, and, in a flash of lightning, see the outline of *something*. They scream and run.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA run down the stairs. ALEC looks over at them. A whirling dark dish materializes just as the DOCTOR reaches the bottom of the stairs. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic and scans.
DOCTOR: Has this happened before?
ALEC: Never!
DOCTOR: Camera! Camera! (takes camera from ALEC'S unresisting hands)
The DOCTOR takes pictures of the spinning dish. It spins faster and cracks begin to form inside it. EMMA is still looking at the archway. She gasps and the figure appears in what seems to be a wood. There is an eerie, distorted shouting. CLARA turns her head and sees it as well.
CLARA: Doctor?!
The DOCTOR turns around and continues to take photos with the camera. EMMA is becoming overwhelmed with the contact to the figure.
GHOST: Help me!
EMMA collapses and ALEC catches her. There is a crash from upstairs and CLARA looks up.
CLARA: Doctor.
The DOCTOR, EMMA and ALEC follow CLARA'S gaze. The DOCTOR slowly walks up the stairs where a message glows on the wall: Help Me. It fades away and the spinning disc disappears.
LATER
CLARA pours a whisky for EMMA and one for herself before sitting down in that area beside the bar.
EMMA: (sips and makes a face) Ugh! I'd rather have a nice cup of tea.
CLARA: Me too. (stands and takes the glass from EMMA) Whisky's the 11th most disgusting thing ever invented.
EMMA puts her head on her hand and sighs.
INT. HOUSE, DARK ROOM, NIGHT
While ALEC develops the new photos, the DOCTOR looks at the ones clipped to string criss-crossing the room.
DOCTOR: I had a little peek at your records, back at the Ministry. You've certainly seen a thing or two in your time - disrupting U-Boat operations across the North Sea, sabotaging railway lines across Europe, Operation Gibbon, the one with the carrier pigeons - brilliant! I do love a carrier pigeon.
ALEC: I did my duty but then so did thousands of others - MILLIONS of others... I was just luck enough to come back.
The picture developing is of the DOCTOR with the ghost in the background.
DOCTOR: Yes but, how does that man, that war hero end up here, in a lonely old house, looking for ghosts?
ALEC: Because I killed... and I caused to have killed... I sent young men and women to their deaths... but here I am, still alive, and... it does tend to haunt you. Living, after so much of... the other thing.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
CLARA: So, you and Professor Palmer, have you ever... y'know?
EMMA: No.
CLARA: Why not? (picks up kettle) You do know how he feels about you, don't you? You of all people?
EMMA: I don't know. People like me... sometimes, we get our signals mixed up. We think people are feeling the way we want them to feel... you know, when they are special to us. When, really, there's nothing there.
CLARA: (hands EMMA cup) Oh, this is there.
EMMA: How do you know?
CLARA: Because it's obvious. It sticks out like a... big chin.
INT. HOUSE, DARK ROOM, NIGHT
ALEC: See, I was alone and unmarried and... I didn't mind dying. I mean, not for that cause. It was a very, very fine cause...defeating the enemy.
DOCTOR: And if you could contact them, what would you say?
ALEC: Well, I'd very much like to thank them.
DOCTOR: Uh-huh. (takes photo from tray) Ping! (clips it up)
ALEC: What do you think she is?
DOCTOR: Not what I thought she'd be.
ALEC: What did you think she'd be?
DOCTOR: Fun. Can I borrow your camera? (ALEC hands it to him) Ta. (leaves)
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
EMMA: What about you... and the Doctor?
CLARA: (sits with teacup) Oh, I don't think so.
EMMA: Good.
CLARA: Sorry?
EMMA: Don't trust him... there's a sliver of ice in his heart.
DOCTOR: (O.C.) Clara!
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA run down the back of the steps in the rain. CLARA is huddled under her umbrella. They stop a few feet from the TARDIS. CLARA has her arm wrapped around the DOCTOR'S.
CLARA: (whispers) I've got this weird feeling it's looking at me. It doesn't like me.
DOCTOR: The TARDIS is like a cat - a bit slow to trust (runs to TARDIS) but you'll get there in the end. (goes inside)
CLARA looks back at the house before running to the TARDIS and knocks on the door.
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR hurries from the console to the door and opens it for CLARA. He heads back to the console.
CLARA: (enters) Hey! (closes the door and looks around for a place to put the umbrella) You need a place to keep this.
DOCTOR: I've got one. (points) Or I had one... I think I had one. (starts looking around) Look around, see if you find it. Did I have one? Am I going mad? (sees CLARA shaking the umbrella and takes it from her) No, not in here! How do you expect her to like you? She's SOAKING wet! It's a health and safety nightmare. (sets umbrella on chair and goes back to console)
CLARA: (looks up at TARDIS ceiling and whispers) Sorry.
The TARDIS seems to gurgle in response.
CLARA: (goes to console) So... where we going?
DOCTOR: Nowhere. We're staying right here. Right here, on this exact spot - if I can work out how to do it.
CLARA: So, when are we going?
DOCTOR: (laughs) Oh, that is good. That is top-notch.
CLARA and the DOCTOR high-five. The DOCTOR walks away.
CLARA: (leans against console) And the answer is...?
DOCTOR: (stops and spins) We're going always. (goes down steps)
CLARA: "We're going always."
DOCTOR: TOTALLY!
The DOCTOR reaches up for something out of CLARA'S view.
CLARA: That's not actually a sentence.
DOCTOR: (comes back with orange spacesuit) Well, it's got a verb in it. What do you think? (holds it up and spins)
CLARA: Colour's a bit boisterous.
DOCTOR: I think it brings out my eyes.
CLARA: Makes my eyes hurt.
The DOCTOR drops his arms, dejected by CLARA'S comment.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The TARDIS dematerializes.
INT. HOUSE, NIGHT
ALEC and EMMA watch from a window.
ALEC: Did you see where he went? I could hear an engine but I can't see any lights.
There is a flash of lightning and behind them, in the next window, the ghost is reaching out to them.
EXT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS wearing the spacesuit. The surface of the planet is volcanic with a dark grey sky. He scans with the sonic before picking up the camera to take a few pictures.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA takes a step towards the door just as the DOCTOR bursts in, hands up. The door closes behind him. Steam rises from the suit.
DOCTOR: Back off! Hot suit! Hot, hot, hot! (walks to console)
CLARA: When are we?
DOCTOR: About six billion years ago. It's a Tuesday, I think. (flips a lever)
The DOCTOR and CLARA walk through a prehistoric jungle with large insects. The DOCTOR takes another photo.
EXT. HOUSE, DAY
It what appears to be the late Victoria era, the DOCTOR takes a photo of the back of the house.
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR is wearing the spacesuit once more.
DOCTOR: Back in a mo. (opens door and looks back at CLARA) Are you all right?
CLARA: Totally. Peachy keen.
DOCTOR: OK, then. Well, don't press any buttons or pull any levers, or make any funny faces. Actually, don't move. Stand completely still. Don't breathe. Well, you can breathe... but shallow breaths.
CLARA gives him a thumbs-up which he returns before stepping outside.
EXT. TARDIS
The surface of the planet is rocky and dead. The sun is large and near its end.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA watches the DOCTOR on the monitor.
EXT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR takes a photograph.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA sighs as she watches the DOCTOR head back. The door closes and the DOCTOR removes the helmet as he walks to the console. CLARA is still looking at the monitor.
DOCTOR: What's wrong? Did the TARDIS say something to you? (slaps the console) Are you being mean?
CLARA: No, it's not that. Have we just watched the entire life cycle of the Earth? Birth to death?
DOCTOR: Yes!
CLARA: And you're OK with that?
DOCTOR: Yes.
CLARA: How can you be?
DOCTOR: The TARDIS. She's... time. We... Wibbly vortex and so on.
CLARA: That's not what I mean.
DOCTOR: OK...some help? Context? Cheat sheet? Something?
CLARA: I mean, one minute you're in 1974, looking for ghosts but all you have to do is open your eyes and talk to whoever's standing there. To you, I haven't been born yet... and to you, I've been dead 100 billion years. Is my body out there somewhere? In the ground?
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it is. (walks away from console but stops when CLARA starts talking)
CLARA: But here we are, talking. So I am a ghost. To you, I'm a ghost... we're all ghosts to you. We must be nothing.
DOCTOR: (turns around) No... no... you're not that. (starts down the stairs)
CLARA: (walks over) Then what are we? What can we possibly be?
DOCTOR: (turns around) You are the only mystery worth solving. (leaves to change)
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The TARDIS materializes in the same spot.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
In a flash of lightning, we see a creature.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
There is a slide projector set up and the DOCTOR hands ALEC the slides from the photographs he had taken. CLARA looks at the photos on the board.
EMMA: (walks over) What's wrong?
CLARA: I just saw something I wish I hadn't.
EMMA: What did you see?
CLARA: That... everything ends.
EMMA: No, not everything. Not love... (looks over at ALEC) not always.
DOCTOR: Right! Done! That's it, gather round, gather round. Roll up! Roll up! (uses sonic on projector) The Ghast of Caliburn House - never changing, trapped in a moment of fear and torment but what if she's not? What if she's just trapped somewhere time runs more slowly than it does here? What if a second to her was 100,000 years to us? And what if somebody has a magic box - a blue box, probably - what if said somebody could take a snapshot of her, say, every few million years? (the slides show the DOCTOR'S photos almost like stop-motion and reveal a young woman) She's not a ghost... but she's definitely a lost soul. (walks over to screen) Her name's Hila Tacorian. She's a pioneer, a time traveller - or at least she will be, in a few hundred years.
ALEC: Time travel's not possible. The paradoxes...
DOCTOR: Resolve themselves, by and large.
EMMA: How long has she been alone?
DOCTOR: Well, time travel's a funny old thing. I mean, from her perspective, she crash landed... (checks watch) three minutes ago.
EMMA: Crash landed? Where?
DOCTOR: She's in a pocket universe... a distorted echo of our own - they happen sometimes but never last for long. (blows up two balloons) Our universe (balloon in right hand) - Hila Tacorian's here, (balloon in left hand) in a pocket universe. You're a lantern, shining across the dimensions, guiding her home. Back to the land of the living. (brings balloons together then deflates them)
CLARA: But what's she running from?
DOCTOR: Well, that's the best bit. We don't know yet. Shall we see?
The DOCTOR uses the sonic to change the slide. EMMA turns to look at her smile vanishes. ALEC lowers his glasses and peers over them. CLARA and the DOCTOR look stunned. On the slide is the creature we have been catching glimpses of in the hallways.
DOCTOR: Oh.
CLARA: What is that?
DOCTOR: (quietly) I don't know. (normal) Still! (claps hands) Not to worry!
EMMA: So, what do we do?
DOCTOR: Not "we", you... (goes to EMMA) you save Hila Tacorian because you're Emma Grayling. You are the lantern - the rest of us are just along for the ride, I'm afraid. We need some sturdy rope and a blue crystal from Metebelis Three. Plus, some Kendal Mint Cake. (leaves)
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and CLARA run to the TARDIS and step inside.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
ALEC: (paces) Don't do it.
EMMA: I'm sorry?
ALEC: Nobody asked her to risk her life. This woman. She doesn't deserve... Whoever she is - however brilliant, however brave, she's not you. She's not worth risking a single hair on your head. Not to me! (he can't look at EMMA)
EMMA: Tell me what I'm thinking.
ALEC: I can't. I don't have your gift.
EMMA: (steps closer) You don't need it... just look at me and tell me.
ALEC looks up and EMMA smiles at him. He smiles back.
EMMA: There you are, you read my mind.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA is up on the console level while the DOCTOR is working underneath.
CLARA: Can't you just... y'know?
DOCTOR: What?
CLARA: Fly the TARDIS into the parallel universe? (sits with legs over the side)
DOCTOR: Ah, it's not a parallel universe. It's a POCKET universe. Plus, it is collapsing. (puts crystal in pocket and walks over to CLARA) I mean, the TARDIS could get in there, all right, but entropy would bleed her power sources, you see? Trap her there until the entire universe decayed back into the quantum foam. Which would take about three minutes, give or take, you know.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
Bundled wires snake from the TARDIS to the house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
The wires go from the door through to the music room. They are hooked to a tripod on top of which is the large object the DOCTOR slipped into his pocket from the TARDIS.
CLARA: (reaches out o touch) What is that?
DOCTOR: (slaps her hand away) A subset of the Eye of Harmony.
CLARA: I don't...
DOCTOR: Of course you don't. Be weird if you did, I barely do myself. (to EMMA) Right, you, sit down. (puts a wire "crown" over her head, in the middle of which is a blue crystal) All the way... from Metebelis Three.
Around the perimeter of the room are a variety of clocks resting either on boxes or piles of books on chairs.
EMMA: What does it do?
DOCTOR: (uses the sonic on the clocks) It amplifies your natural abilities - like a microphone. Or a pooper-scooper!
The clocks start ticking.
ALEC: What exactly is this arrangement?
DOCTOR: A psychochronograph.
CLARA helps the DOCTOR into a harness.
ALEC: Forgive me, but isn't it all a bit, well... make-do and mend?
DOCTOR: Non-psychic technology won't work where I'm going. (buckles harness) All I need to do is dive into another dimension, find the traveller, help her escape the monster, get home before the entire dimension collapses and Bob's your uncle.
EMMA: Doctor? Will it hurt?
DOCTOR: (bends over) No. (straightens) Well, yes. Probably. A bit. Well, quite a lot. I don't know. It might be agony. To be perfectly honest, I'll be interested to find out.
The clocks continue ticking. EMMA looks over at ALEC who nods. EMMA looks back at the DOCTOR and takes a few deep breaths.
EMMA: (closes eyes) I'm talking to the lost soul that abides in this place. I'm speaking to Hila Tacorian.
The DOCTOR slowly picks up the end of the rope on the winch. Some clocks begin to go backwards while others speed forwards. EMMA breaths deeply before opening her eyes and looking straight ahead. There is an electronic whizzing and she gasps. At the other side of the room, the spinning disc has reappeared. The glass shatters and there is a bright light and high wind.
DOCTOR: (turns his head to ALEC and CLARA) See? The Witch of the Well! It's a wormhole! (hooks rope to harness) A reality well! A door to the echo universe! (to EMMA) Ready?
EMMA: READY!
The DOCTOR turns around, looks at the wormhole, cracks his neck and shrugs.
DOCTOR: Geronimo.
The DOCTOR runs and jumps into the wormhole.
DOCTOR: Wah...
CLARA, ALEC and EMMA can only watch.
INT. WORMHOLE
The DOCTOR clings to the rope as he travels/falls through the wormhole.
DOCTOR: Whoa...
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
The winch spins as the rope is pulled.
CLARA: Doctor!
ALEC holds CLARA back.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR lands.
DOCTOR: Whoa!
He unbuckles the harness and takes it off, letting it drop to the ground. He then runs off to look for Hila. He skids to a stop at the literal edge of the universe. It looks light a giant floating island in a sea of stars. The wind howls around. The DOCTOR runs back into the woods.
DOCTOR: Hila! Hila! Hila Tacorian!
The DOCTOR comes to a sudden stop, aware that something else is there with him. There is a whooshing sound. The DOCTOR takes a couple of small steps as he hears a scampering sound. He walks slowly, looking about, trying to find the source.
DOCTOR: One... two... (closes eyes) three! (turns around quickly)
HILA: (O.C.) Help me! Help!
The DOCTOR runs and almost runs into HILA as she runs out of the fog.
DOCTOR: Ah! Hila Tacorian, I presume. (grabs her hand and starts to run)
HILA: (refuses to move) Who are you?
DOCTOR: (comes back) Collapsing universe. You and me, dead, two minutes. No time, complete sentences - abandon planet! (starts off)
HILA: Wait! There's something in the mist.
DOCTOR: Then run! Run!
The two run.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA watches the wormhole.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR and HILA keep running.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA watches the wormhole.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR and HILA keep running.
EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, Doctor! Come home. Doctor, come home!
DOCTOR: Not that way. Which means... probably...
They turn back and keep running.
HILA: What's wrong?
DOCTOR: You know that exit I mentioned?
HILA: Yes?
DOCTOR: I seem to have misplaced it.
They come to a stop as they hear scampering sounds. They back up against each other and turn, frightened. The DOCTOR puts his hands up to calm HILA. He looks around.
EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor!
DOCTOR: This way!
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA reaches a hand out towards the wormhole. ALEC still holds CLARA.
EMMA: DOCTOR... come home!
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
Something starts to appear in the mist ahead of them.
EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, we're here!
DOCTOR: Whoa!
The DOCTOR holds up a hand and they both stop. Ahead of them is Caliburn House.
HILA: What's that?
DOCTOR: An echo house, in an echo universe. Clever psychic, that is just top-notch.
The DOCTOR and HILA run for the house.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA reaches a hand out towards the wormhole. ALEC still holds CLARA.
EMMA: Doctor!
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR and HILA keep running. As they get closer, we see the creature is following them.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA: Doctor!
INT. HOUSE, FRONT HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR and HILA enter the house and slam the doors shut behind them. The DOCTOR locks them. Growling and snarling come from the other side. The DOCTOR puts his ear against the door.
DOCTOR: It's looking for a way in.
The beast rams the door on the other side causing the DOCTOR to jump back. He and HILA run for the music room.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA: I'm not strong enough!
CLARA: Just a few more seconds!
EMMA screams.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
DOCTOR: Grab the rope, give it three tugs! Quick as you like!
HILA: (puts on harness) What about you?
DOCTOR: I'll be next. (takes off tie)
HILA tugs the rope as directed.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
ALEC and CLARA see the rope on the winch move. ALEC begins to crank the rope. CLARA keeps her eye on the wormhole, watching for the DOCTOR.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
HILA is pulled into the wormhole.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
ALEC continues to work the winch. HILA falls into the room with a cry.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR uses his tie on the door to keep it closed.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The creature makes its way to the door.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR turns to head for the wormhole when he hears a familiar thudding as the creature bangs against the door.
DOCTOR: Ah! Oh, that's what that noise was! Lovely.
The DOCTOR continues towards the portal.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
With a gasp, EMMA falls from the chair to her knees. ALEC runs over to her.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The portal dims.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
CLARA: No!
ALEC cradles EMMA.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The portal disappears.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
CLARA runs to the spot where the wormhole was.
INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR turns around slowly, knowing the creature is on the other side of the door. He takes one step...
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
...and finds himself alone in the woods. The house is gone. He hears the whooshing of the creature and looks around nervously. He kneels down and carefully picks up his bow tie without taking his eyes off the trees.
DOCTOR: Oh, dear.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The TARDIS stands, solitary, outside. The cloister bell tolls.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
CLARA whips her head around.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR slowly stands.
DOCTOR: Oh... dear.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The cloister bell continues to toll.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR hears the whooshing and looks around.
DOCTOR: Where are you?
The DOCTOR hears the creature and runs.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
The cloister bell tolls.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
CLARA looks back to EMMA and ALEC.
CLARA: Wake up! (rushes over) WAKE UP! (kneels beside EMMA) Open the thing!
EMMA: (sobs into ALEC'S chest) I'm sorry.
ALEC: Don't be sorry. Don't be. What you did... (strokes EMMA'S hair)
CLARA: Wasn't enough, she needs to do it again.
ALEC: She can't. Look at her.
CLARA: She HAS to!
CLARA stares at ALEC, who in turns looks at the tired EMMA. No one does anything.
CLARA: (stands) We can't leave him. (runs from the room)
ALEC: (holds EMMA'S head between his hands) I know you feel that you can't do this, Emma, but... look at that woman over there. (looks over at HILA) You saved her. She's only here because of your strength and so am I.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
CLARA runs out to the TARDIS and pulls on the handles to open.
CLARA: Oh, come ON! Let me in, you grumpy old cow!
There is an electronic buzzing and CLARA turns around to see a copy of herself standing there.
CLARA: Whoa!
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
ALEC: I was as lost as her... but being with you... you give me a reason to be, Emma. You brought me back from the dead.
ALEC helps EMMA stand. HILA stands as well. EMMA put the "crown" back on. The three of them then join hands. EMMA closes her eyes.
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
CLARA: What's this now?
The image of CLARA flickers. It is a projection.
TARDIS: The TARDIS Voice Visual Interface. I'm programmed to select the image of a person you esteem. Of several billion such images in my databanks, this one best meets the criterion.
CLARA: Oh, you are a cow. I knew it! Whatever. You have to help the Doctor.
TARDIS: The Doctor is in the pocket universe.
CLARA: You can enter the pocket universe.
TARDIS: The entropy would drain the energy from my heart. In four seconds, I'd be stranded. In ten, I'd be dead.
CLARA: You're talking but all I hear is, "Meh, meh, meh." Come on, let's go! (the projection disappears and she turns to the TARDIS and pounds on the door) Hey, hey, hey!
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
The trio stands, hands held. The crystal in the "crown" glows.
EMMA: Doctor?
The disc appears and spins.
EMMA: Can you hear me? DOCTOR?!
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT
CLARA pulls on the door handles of the TARDIS.
CLARA: Oh, come ON!
The door opens and CLARA smiles before hurrying inside.
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
The portal opens.
EMMA: Doctor? Can you hear me?
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR runs and stops, getting his bearings, before continuing on.
INT. VORTEX
The TARDIS spins through the vortex.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA holds on for dear life as the TARDIS tumbles.
CLARA: Ah! Whoa! WAH!
INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT
EMMA: Doctor...
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, we're here. Come home!
The house appears again and the DOCTOR heads for it.
DOCTOR: Emma?
The DOCTOR stops when he hears the whooshing and snarling. He spins around nervously.
DOCTOR: What do you want? To frighten me, I suppose, eh? Because that's what you do. You hide...
There is an eerie laughing.
DOCTOR: You're the bogeyman under the bed. Seeking whom you may devour. Ah! Ah. You want me to be afraid? Then well done.
There is a rattling and we see the creature come out from behind a tree.
DOCTOR: I am the Doctor... and I am afraid!
INT. VORTEX
The TARDIS spins through the vortex.
CLARA: (V.O.) 'Wah!'
INT. TARDIS
CLARA clings to the console.
CLARA: Oh, oh! Whoa!
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
EMMA: Doctor... hurry!
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR looks around warily. We see the creature behind the DOCTOR, but it's gone when he turns around. The creature laughs.
DOCTOR: So why am I still here, huh? Why not just... eat me? Huh? Come on. Because you still need me! Yeah, you need me to piggyback you across. (laughs) To which I say... come on then, big boy... chase me.
The DOCTOR runs and the creature chases him. He makes for the edge but the beasts tackles him, knocking him to the ground.
DOCTOR: Ah!
On his back, the DOCTOR gets his first view of the beast. It looks like it's made of melted wax. It stands over his legs. At that moment, the TARDIS arrives in the sky.
CLARA: (V.O.) Woo-hoo! Woo!
The DOCTOR laughs as the TARDIS passes over them, knocking the creature backwards allowing the DOCTOR to get up.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA clings to the console.
CLARA: Woo-hoo!
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The TARDIS swings back.
CLARA: (V.O.) Woo!
The DOCTOR runs towards the TARDIS and grabs hold as it passes.
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, DAY
EMMA screams in agony as she falls to her knees. The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR leans against it, panting. In front of it, EMMA gasps, HILA and ALEC on either side of her. The DOCTOR comes around from the side just as CLARA opens the door. They exchange a weak high-five. He sees EMMA and hurries over. The DOCTOR puts a hand on EMMA to see that she's OK. He straightens and looks outside the window and the sunlight streams in. He smiles.
EXT. HOUSE, DAY
The sun is shining brightly after a dismal night of rain. Birds are singing.
INT. HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY
CLARA is walking towards the front door, the DOCTOR following. EMMA comes up behind the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR leans against the door, arms crossed, and looks outside at ALEC, HILA and CLARA.
EMMA: You wanted a word?
DOCTOR: Well, if that's...
EMMA: That's fine.
The DOCTOR uncrosses his arms, turns around and looks at EMMA.
EMMA: You didn't come here for the ghost, did you?
DOCTOR: No.
EMMA: You came here for me.
DOCTOR: Yes.
EMMA: Why?
DOCTOR: I needed to ask you something.
EMMA: Then ask.
DOCTOR: Clara...
EMMA: Yes?
DOCTOR: (walks over to EMMA) What is she?
EMMA: She's a girl.
DOCTOR: Yes, but what kind of girl? Specifically.
EMMA: She's a perfectly ordinary girl. Very pretty...
DOCTOR: Hmm.
EMMA: ..very clever...
DOCTOR: (turns away) Hmm.
EMMA: More scared than she lets on.
DOCTOR: (stops at doorway) And that's it, is it?
EMMA: Why? Is that not enough?
EXT. HOUSE, DAY
ALEC stands outside the TARDIS, resting a hand on the door. The DOCTOR approaches with HILA and EMMA. EMMA hugs HILA and the DOCTOR hugs them both. CLARA pushes away from the column she had been leaning against.
EMMA: Where will you go?
HILA: He can't take me home. History says I went missing.
EMMA: But he can change history.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, I can't, actually. There are fixed points in time you see...
CLARA: (comes over) Hi.
DOCTOR: What?
CLARA pulls the DOCTOR away.
HILA: I knew you were there... I could feel you.
EMMA: I know...
The DOCTOR takes a step forward but CLARA holds him back.
HILA: Have we...?
EMMA: We can't have. You haven't even been born yet.
DOCTOR: (pulls away from CLARA) No, you can't have met but she can be your great- great-great-great-great-granddaughter. (ALEC joins them) Yours too, of course! But you'd guessed that already, hadn't you? Oh... apparently not.
ALEC: The paradoxes...
DOCTOR: Resolve themselves, by and large. That's why the psychic link was so powerful - blood calling to blood. Out of time. Not everything ends, eh? (slaps ALEC on the arm as he walks to the TARDIS) Not love. Not always.
ALEC: (follows DOCTOR) Doctor, what about, what about... us? Emma and me?
DOCTOR: What about you?
ALEC: Well, what's supposed to happen? I mean, what do we do now?
EMMA comes to stand beside ALEC.
DOCTOR: Hold hands... that's what you're meant to do. Keep doing that and don't let go. That's the secret.
The DOCTOR claps his hands and heads for the TARDIS. As he does, he remembers when he and CLARA were looking for the ghost.
CLARA: (V.O.) Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
FLASHBACK MONTAGE
INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT
CLARA: I'm not happy.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
As the DOCTOR and CLARA leave a particular hall, there is a snarling and scraping sound and a part of something can be seen in the shadows.
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
DOCTOR: Yeah, you need me to piggyback you across.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
DOCTOR: I'm not holding your hand.
INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT
They slowly look behind them, and, in a flash of lightning, see the outline of *something*. They scream and run.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HOUSE, DAY
DOCTOR: (smacks forehead) I'm so... slow! (turns around) I am slow, I'm notorious for it, that's always been my problem, but I get there in the end. Oh, yes.
CLARA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: How do sharks make babies?
CLARA: Carefully?
DOCTOR: No, no, no - happily!
CLARA: Sharks don't actually smile. They're just... Well, they've got lots and lots of teeth - they're quite eaty.
DOCTOR: Exactly! But birds do it, bees do it - even educated FLEAS do it. Every lonely monster needs a companion.
The DOCTOR runs to where he can see into the house.
CLARA: (follows) There's two of them?!
In the window can be seen one of the creatures.
DOCTOR: It's the oldest story in the universe - this one, or any other. Boy and girl fall in love, get separated by events - war, politics, accidents in time. She's thrown out of the HEX, (puts his arm around CLARA'S shoulders) or he's thrown into it. Since then they've been yearning for each other across time and space - across dimensions - this isn't a ghost story, it's a... love story! (looks at CLARA, realizes what he's done and removes his arm) Sorry. (runs back to the others) Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt the rest of your life. (to EMMA) So... tiny favour to ask...
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The DOCTOR lands and takes off the harness. He runs through the woods.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry! I understand now! I can take you to her! I can take you to a safe place far away from here! You can be together! Well, come on then! She's WAITING!
The DOCTOR hears the snarling and turns around with a smile. The creature has a long twisted neck and the face is somewhat distorted, almost like it's decomposing.
DOCTOR: Well, hello again, you old Romeo, you! (hears the TARDIS) Now... here she comes.
INT. VORTEX
The TARDIS spins through the vortex.
CLARA: (V.O.) Ha-ha! Woo!
INT. TARDIS
CLARA clings to the console.
CLARA: Ah!
EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE
The TARDIS come spinning through the sky.
CLARA: (V.O.) 'Woo!'
DOCTOR: Get ready to jump.