MEREDITH: To make it... really make it as a surgeon, it takes major commitment. We have to be willing to pick up that scalpel that may or may not do more damage than good. It's all about being committed. Cause if we're not, we have no business picking up that scalpel in the first place.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHRISTINA: We'll book OR 2 tomorrow at 10. Usual scrub team. And get rid of his valve replacement at 2, that's no good.
INTERN: Yang. Brought you a mocha latte.
CHRISTINA: You're not scrubbing in.
INTERN: But Burke always lets me scrub it.
OTHER INTERN: Hey, Yang can I get in on...
CHRISTINA: No, no residents. Too crowded. Go away. (To a nurse) Make sure you put the instrument tray on his left hand side. He needs the elbow room. And OR 2, no gallery. Burke was specific.
NURSE: Dr. Burke has become very specific since coming back to work, hasn't he?
CHRISTINA: Do you want me to tell him you said that?
GEORGE (who is looking on from above with Meredith and Alex): Burke's back and suddenly Christina's running his board. Who does she think she is, Bailey?
MEREDITH: She's helping him.
ALEX: She's taking advantage. She gets out of rounds, she scrubs in on every surgery Burke does, she's ordered around 3'rd year residents...
MEREDITH: You're overreacting...
(Christina grabs the pen from the nurse's hand and starts writing on the board.)
GEORGE: She's writing on the board!
ALEX: Maybe I should sleep with Burke...
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: You've been busy
CHRISTINA: Yeah
MEREDITH: Derek hast called yet. I told him I broke up with Finn a week ago, he still hasn't called. Hey, do you wanna go get a drink, catch up?
CHRISTINA: No, I can't. I have to study up for Burke's surgeries tomorrow.
MEREDITH: She's busy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: Callie. Hey, talk to me. And how about talking to me instead of ignoring me?
CALLIE: George!
GEORGE: Well that's talking That's a good start.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Derek walks out of the shower, and screams upon seeing a woman on his bed.)
NANCY: Well hey there stranger.
DEREK: Nancy you don't call first?
(Meredith enters.)
MEREDITH: Hey, I...
DEREK: Meredith... Meredith, let me explain!
(But of course she takes off.)
NANCY: I take it that was the slutty intern you cheated on Addison with?
DEREK: She's not slutty. What are you doing here?
NANCY: You bailed on Thanksgiving, then Christmas, you're living in a trailor, and you're getting a divorce,and then there's the slutty intern.
DEREK: I really don't like you.
NANCY: You love me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IZZIE: I'm feeling really good.
GEORGE: Good.
MEREDITH: Good.
IZZIE: First day back, it feels good. Big. Kind of nervous. I feel good. Do I look alright?
MEREDITH and GEORGE: Great.
IZZIE: I want to get on the right foot, get my ID renewed, new time card, sign some papers with legal then I'm back...really back.
MEREDITH and GEORGE: Yeah.
(Izzie leaves the elevator.)
IZZIE: This is me. Human resources.. See you guys on the floor.
BOTH: Yeah.
GEORGE: I'll be Christina for you if you'll be Izzie for me.
MEREDITH: Deal.
(George stops the elevator.)
MEREDITH: Derek had a woman in his trailer last night. She was ugly, very ugly. Except she was tall and beautiful...and he was naked.
GEORGE: Oh uh, McDreamy was doing the McNasty with a McHottie? That McBastard. How was that?
MEREDITH: That was good! Channelling Izzie... go.
GEORGE: OK... Callie... she won't forgive me, she won't talk to me. She dumped me...which I dont...care about...at all
MEREDITH: Good because you deserve better, 'cause you are George. I mean seriously. Seriously. Was that Izzie optimistic?
GEORGE: That was very Izzie...
MEREDITH: What has happened to us?
GEORGE: We are now the people the people we want to be with avoid.
MEREDITH: We have careers to think about. We don't need attention from men with perfect hair.
GEORGE: We should make a pact. No more dating.
MEREDITH: No more Derek. No more Callie.
GEORGE: Just 100% focused on our work.
MEREDITH: They are dead to us.
GEORGE: They are freaking corpses to us.
(They butt knuckles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
MRS. BYRD: Preston Burke, what a pleasure. I have read so much about you.
BURKE: Well thank you.
CHRISTINA: Pruitt Byrd. Medivac brought him in this morning. He presents with a primary cardiac tumor.
MRS. BYRD: We've been told Pruitt needs a cardio autotransplantation.
BURKE: A cardio autotransplantation?
CHRISTINA: A humpty dumpty surgery.
BURKE: Yes I know what it is. Mrs. Byrd, this is a very complicated surgery. You'll need thorough testing.
CHRISTINA: Already done.
BURKE: You understand what the surgery intails? We have to..
CHRISTINA: We have to remove his heart, cut it open, scrape out all the tumor, then put his heart back together again.
BURKE: Which is risky.
CHRISTINA: But possible.
MRS. BYRD: Which is why we're here I want the very best for my husband.
BURKE: The best.
CHRISTINA: She means you.
BURKE: I know that.
CHRISTINA: Oh I scheduled Mr. Byrd for surgery this afternoon. Just trying to be as efficient as possible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHIEF: Legal cleared Stephens. Explain her perameters and make she understands.
BAILEY: Stephens is being assigned to me again?
CHIEF: She's your intern.
BAILEY: Well wouldn't it be better for her to start fresh with another resident?
CHIEF: You don't want her.
BAILEY: I want her to succeed.
CHIEF: There's still a good deal of fallout after the Duquet M&M. There's talk. I don't need to tell you that there are doctors in this hospital who have concerns about your judgement.
BAILEY: Concerns about my judgment.
CHIEF: Stephens was your mistake.
BAILEY: Do you, sir, do you have concerns about my judgement?
CHIEF: Do you? You're not going to put those concerns to rest by avoiding taking responsibility for Stephens. She's your intern... again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: Transfer from Mercy West. Noelle LeBatt. 32 weeks along, pregnant with twins. One appears to be developing more slowly than the other.
GREG: Hi.
ADDISON: Hi there.
GREG: Greg Stanton. This is my lovely fiancé. The future Mrs. Stanton. Noelle.
NOELLE: Greg, I promise you you're the only person who cares if we're married or not.
GREG: They said we had to come here because her condition could be serious. Is it serious?
ADDISON: I gotta say, you don't seem emergent enough for Mercy to send you over here in a ambulance. You're not in labor, you're not bleeding, your vitals are fine.
NOELLE: They said I had to come here because of my thing.
GEORGE: Two uteruses!? Ms. Lebatt was born with two uteruses. Uh, Uteri
ADDISON: Uteruses.
GEORGE: Uteruses. That's very rare.
IZZIE: I'm here. Hi. Hello. That paperwork took forever, but I'm here now. And can I just say how greatful I am to be back?
BAILEY: You understand there are rules to your probation. Rules to follow?
IZZIE: Oh yeah, legal took me through all that stuff. The mandatory counseling, the extra lab hours. The extra work with the transplant patients.
BAILEY: That's the stuff you're doing with the chief. I'm talking about what you're doing for me.
IZZIE: Okay. What am I doing for you?
BAILEY: OK, lets start with what you don't get to do. You will not interact with any patients, you will not be alone with any patients. You will be seen and not heard. No procedures. The OR is off limits. No pre-op. No post-op. Anything having to do with an op. You have no authority. You have no opinions. You have no choice in this matter. Am I understood?
IZZIE: Is there anything I can do? I want to be useful.
BAILEY: I cant use you. You've got to earn back the right for any of us to trust you again. Until then, you will be shadowing a differend Dr. every day.
IZZIE: Okay, who am I with today? Dr. Montgomery? You?
MEREDITH: Dr. Bailey, you paged?
BAILEY: Dr. Grey.
IZZIE: Meredith...
BAILEY: You are to make sure that Stephens observes only.
MEREDITH: You want me to?
IZZIE: Wait Meredith? Meredith is the boss of me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: I'm sorry about this.
IZZIE: Hey you want me to get you some coffee? Rub your feet maybe?
MEREDITH: I did not ask for this assignment.
IZZIE: It's fine...I'm fine with it. Oh, I'm so sorry (She's bumped into people who are talking to Derek.)
DEREK: Dr. Stephens. Welcome back. Meredith? Meredith...
IZZIE: Sorry it's not like I can leave. I gotta stay by my bosses side.
NANCY: Okay, the trailer sucks, but in the light of day the land is nice. Seattle's pretty in the daylight. Plus you have your thing for ferries.
MEREDITH and DEREK: Ferry boats.
NANCY: Right, whatever.
DEREK: Meredith, this is my sister Nancy.
MEREDITH: Sister? You're one of Derek's sisters?
NANCY: Well I knew you didn't think I was the wife, seeing as how you already ran her off.
DEREK: Nancy is visiting from Connecticut. She's on her way home... now. Straight back home.
MEREDITH: Well it was nice to meet you.
NANCY: Okay...
(Meredith and Izzie walk off as Derek grabs Nancy's arm scornfully.)
IZZIE: McDreamy's sister is McBitchy...
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHRISTINA: You put me in charge of your schedule.
BURKE: To make sure that I didn't get a surgery like this one.
CHRISTINA: Only a handful of people do humpties Burke. And you're the best one on the west coast.
BURKE: Then he can go to Houston.
CHRISTINA: You want to tell the Chief that? Pruitt needs the surgery, he'll die without it.
BURKE: You didn't tell me. You told the patient we were doing the surgery. but you didn't tell me.
CHRISTINA: I have been doing that all week.
BURKE: Are you up on a humpty? Do you realize what this entails?
CHRISTINA: I have done my research. Stop worrying. We are a well-oiled machine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BAILEY: Uh Dr. Burke.
BURKE: Yeah.
BAILEY: I understand there are some doctors in this hospital that have doubts about my judgement since Denny
BURKE: Everyone loves a scandal.
BAILEY: So you think it's just gossip? It's not actual concern about me being a doctor?
BURKE: Sure, sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Meredith pulls gauze off a young girl's burnt hand.)
MEREDITH: Ow. Iz, set me up for debriedment, and dressing.
GRETCHEN: It's stupid. I know better. When I'm setting up for the bar... I'm a mess. I can't focus on anything for weeks, but tourts and real property and constitutional law.
MEREDITH: Uh the Biosynthetic ones.
IZZIE: We never use those.
MEREDITH: We do now. Sloan changed the burn protocol last week.
GRETCHEN: I was about to start a practice test. I wanted something to drink. So I put on some tea. So I put on a pot of water and forgot. Half an hour into my section on contracts and the smoke alarm was blaring...and well you know the rest.
MEREDITH: So you're going to be a lawyer?
GRETCHEN: All I have to do is pass the bar exam. I failed last time...but this time I'm ready. I'm going to pass.
IZZIE: Good for you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DEREK: That was just mean.
NANCY: Kathleen called and asked me to find out why the slutty interns panties were hanging on the bulletin board.
DEREK: Four sisters... four sisters and not one brother. And you wonder why I don't call more.
NANCY: You can answer about the panties at any time.
DEREK: Nance, it's good to see you. Really great to have you here. But I have a job you know? I have patients.
NANCY: I have a mother with twins at 35 weeks...where is her OB?
DEREK: Well her OB should be on a plane back to Connecticut where she belongs.
NANCY: Okay, so we've covered the trailer, we still have to cover the slutty intern and the divorce.
DEREK: You know what? You sound more and more like mom every day.
NANCY: Take it back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: So two uteruses. That's pretty cool. And you're engaged...also cool.
NOELLE: Greg talked me into it
GREG: From the first moment I saw noel I knew I was ham.
GEORGE: Did you say ham?
NOELLE: Oh here we go again.
GREG: You're either ham or eggs. You gotta ask yourself in every situation, are you the pig of chicken?
GEORGE: Sir it's just a pig or chicken.
GREG: Look you got to play the ham and the eggs. You see the chicken is involved in the meal. But the pig is committed. So the question is...are you committed? Or are you involved?
GEORGE: Ham or eggs?
GREG: Ham or eggs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: Karev you free?
ALEX: Absolutely sir.
MARK: Great. Take this. I'm on hold with the DMV. Some mess up about switching my license and registration to Seattle. Take care of this for me?
ALEX: Thanks for thinking of me sir. O'Malley...how's it feel to be the new gynie grunt?
GEORGE: I've got a patient who was born with and is pregnant in two uteruses. Two uteruses...jealous?
ALEX: No, I'm on hold. Important business. For Sloan.
GEORGE: Right... Super important, I'm sure. Noelle LeBatt...room 2413.
ALEX: Hang on, can I see that? (referring to the chart)
(Nancy walks up.)
NANCY: Did I just hear him say two uteruses?
ALEX: You must be...
MARK: Nancy pants?
NANCY: Hey loser.
MARK: I wish Derek had told me you were visiting.
NANCY: Oh like he tells you anything these days?
MARK: Well I'm working on that.
NANCY: What are you doing here Mark? Are you trying to torture him?
MARK: He's my family Nancy. Plus I needed a change of pace. Plus I slept with my tennis partners wief and he went out and bought a gun.
NANCY: There it is!
ADDISON: Oh! Nancy! Let me guess, did mom send you out?
NANCY: Let me guess, he's trying to ban you from Seattle?
ADDISON: Did he also tell you he's living in a trailer?
(Derek walks up and sees them talking, and walks away.)
NANCY: Derek. Derek? (She goes after him.) I want to see the two uteruses.
ADDISON: Yeah, find me later.
MARK: I miss her.
ADDISON: Yeah me too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GREG: The Diesel pushes past quarterback Don McNeil. He's at the 30. He's at the 20. He's at the 10. Touchdown Washington!
NOELLE: Sorry, one of the twins gets rowdy, and Greg gets carried away with talking to the baby. He's decided that the baby is into sports of all things.
GREG: Well she's daddy's little girl. See when I talk to her...
ALEX: Yeah, your voice, it helps calm her down. Yeah, I read a couple aricles on that recently.
ADDISON: Dr. Karev...I didn't know you secretly missed my service.
ALEX: Right.
ADDISON: Greg, Noelle, I have good news for you. According to our tests, the babies are both perfectly healthy. But they are substantially different sizes for a very unique reason. The babies have two different due dates.
GEORGE: According to our calculations, the larger baby, your son was conceived a whole six weeks before your daughter.
NOELLE: Oh God.
GREG: I don't understand. That's impossible.
ADDISON: Actually out tests are extremely accurate at predicting due dates.
GREG: But we broke up. Yeah, see she got pregnant. I wanted to get married, she didn't. I gave her an ultimatum, and she left me.
NOELLE: Greg I am so sorry.
GREG: We were barely speaking, six weeks after the conception, let alone having s*x. Or at least I wasn't having s*x.
NOELLE: It was one night, Greg, it was one night. I didn't think this could happen. It was nothing.
GREG: I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I can't believe this.
(He storms out.)
GEORGE: He's not the father of both babies.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADDISON: I just accidentally broke the news of my patient's infidelity to her husband.
BAILEY: And yet no one is questioning your competence as a surgeon.
ADDISON: No, what?
CHIEF: I need a button. I'm on my last clean shirt and I'm missing a button. Adele always handled my buttons
CHIEF: Adele...no. I wouldn't want to bother her with anything as trivial as a button. I don't suppose either of you would want to...
ADDISON: I'm sorry, I have two uteruses I need to deal with.
BAILEY: I have many skills. Surgical skills. Your button ruptures an oesophagus, I'm your woman... otherwise...
MARK: I hear you burned your hand because you were studying?
GRETCHEN: Can't be allowed to warm soup within five days of taking the bar.
MARK: So you burned your hand...
GRETCHEN: While I was burning the soup.
MARK: You grabbed the pot
GRETCHEN: Dropped it, obviously it was red hot...
MARK: Must have held onto it for a while though. This burn's extremely deep.
GRETCHEN: Oh yeah, that's right. I held onto it then I dropped it.
MARK: There are some deep partial thickness burns here. Give her a gram of Cephazol and a tetanus.
GRETCHEN: It's too bad really. I did this to my hand. I'm supposed to be taking the bar again on Friday.
MARK: This burn is bad, but we'll get you fixed up. You'll be fine to take the test on Friday.
GRETCHEN: I will?
IZZIE: She's lying. Something's off about Gretchen's story.
MEREDITH: Izzie, you're only supposed to be observing.
IZZIE: I am observing. I'm observing closely. Did you see her reaction when Sloan told her she'd be okay to take the test again. That was not relief. That was panic.
MEREDITH: It's okay to be nervous...about being back here at work, about failing. But you haven't been here a whole day yet and already you're pushing to bend the rules.
IZZIE: MEREDITH: This is so not about me. This is about our patient. I'm worried about our patient. And get off your high freaking horse.
MEREDITH: This is my patient. Try to remember that.
IZZIE: Fine, whatever.
BAILEY: A humpty dumpty surgery. Burke's doing a humpty today? I've never seen one of those first hand before.
CHRISTINA: Yeah, me neither. What are you doing?
BAILEY: Scrubbing in. You'll let Burke know?
CHRISTINA: Sure. (She doesn't want Bailey in there because sit would give the game away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: I know you're not talking to me any more, but there's something I'd like to explain. All you have to do is listen. You and me, we're like ham and eggs. I was the chicken and I just want you to know that I know I was the chicken. You put yourself out there and you were committed. I just put the eggs on the plate. Not the ham 'cause you were the pig. I was involved but now I'm committed.
CALLIE: Did you just call me a pig?
GEORGE: It's a metaphor.
CALLIE: Calling me a pig.
GEORGE: The point is you're not the pig any more. I am the pig. Now...I am the pig. (She walks away.)
(Izzie walks past a room where the gang is sitting eating their lunch.)
IZZIE: I've been waiting for you guys for half an hour in the cafeteria. Since when do we eat in a patient room?
GEORGE: Izzie, meet really old guy. We found him a couple of days ago. He sleeps all the time.
CHRISTINA: It's quiet. No one bothers us. What are you doing.
IZZIE: I'm not doing anything. Turns out I'm literally not allowed to do anything. I knew coming back would be an adjustment. But this...
CHRISTINA: No, what are you doing now?
IZZIE: Eating my lunch.
CHRISTINA: Okay, if you want to socialize, or talk about your day or get in a quick therapy session, go do it over there.
IZZIE: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Goodbye Izzie.
IZZIE: Okay...
ALEX: So O'Malley, your two uteruses...
GEORGE: You're on scut. Glorified plastics scut. You're in no position to mock me or my uteruses.
ALEX: Any cervical changes on the ultrasound?
GEORGE: Why do you care?
ALEX: I don't.
IZZIE: I am so glad to be back. Yay! I'm not complaining about you...you and I are fine, boss.
(The old man groans in his bed and moves slightly and everyone looks around at one another.)
GEORGE: I called Callie a pig.
ALEX: To her face?
MEREDITH: What happened to the whole corpse thing?
IZZIE: I can't get over how much everything around here has changed.
MEREDITH: How many times?
GEORGE: Just one time.
MEREDITH: I get one too then, Gin
(They're playing cards. Meredith gets up and leaves.)
IZZIE: What was that... with Meredith?
GEORGE: We have a thing.
IZZIE: You have a thing with Meredith and I don't now about it? I live with you, I see you every day.
GEORGE: It's work thing.
CHRISTINA: You know the point of hanging out with really old guy is that he doesn't talk. The man is sedated. This is supposed to be a quiet place. (She storms out.)
IZZIE: See...change. She's changed. Everything's change.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MRS. BYRD: I gave the other nurse a list of his medications this morning. My husband needs his pills, he needed them hours ago!
CHRISTINA: Okay, why don't you go check on his meds?
NURSE: I have checked on them.
CHRISTINA: Meds. Pharmacy. Now. Just...
MRS. BYRD: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
CHRISTINA: It's fine.
MRS. BYRD: I was never a yeller before. I've become this horrible person who yells at people who are just trying to do their job.
CHRISTINA: You are just looking out for your husband. You do exactly what it takes to protect him. That does not make you horrible. That makes you smart.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Christina erases Bailey's name off the board when no one is looking.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: She's hyperventilating. And the baby's had some brachicardia.
ADDISON: Noelle I need you to get back into bed.
NOELLE: Is Greg out there? Did he leave? Like really leave?
GEORGE: Noelle, take deep breaths.
NOELLE: I always give him such a hard time about everything. I mean, he likes weddings, I hate them He loves kids, they scare me to death.
ADDISON: Have you had any cramping, any contractions, anything at all?
NOELLE: I can't do this without him. We'll get past this right. I mean, we'll get past this. AH!
ADDISON: All right, Noelle, I need you to get into bed.
NOELLE: What's happening?
ADDISON: Stay on your left side. I need slow deep breaths.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NANCY (at dinner with Derek): So tell me about the slutty girl. Fine, the slutty intern.
DEREK: It's the slutty part I had a problem with.
NANCY: Kathleen said she's not even single.
DEREK: She is single. She's wonderful, she's smart, she's alot of things, but she's none of your business Nancy.
NANCY: Wow...I've never seen you like this over a girl. Not even Addison.
DEREK: I've never been like this over a girl, especially Addison.
NANCY: Oh don't be bitter. I mean shame on Addison and all that but he's Mark, Derek. What do you expect? He's Mark. And who hasn't gone there once or twice, right?
DEREK: What'd you say?
NANCY: Oh come on, everyone sleeps with Mark, it's practically a right of passage. Oh I get it. I get that they made a mistake.
DEREK: It wasn't a mistake. It was months. They were together for months, did you know that?
NANCY: No, I had no idea.
DEREK: Then shut up about it and eat your lunch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: Derek's sister is in town. Christina, are you mad at me or something, 'cause I've been trying to talk to you...
CHRISTINA: Not everything is about you, Meredith.
MEREDITH: What's going on? 'Cause George and Alex are saying...
CHRISTINA: I...don't care
MEREDITH: What is your problem?
CHRISTINA: I have bigger things in my life right now.
(Bailey notices her name missing from the humpty dumpty.)
BURKE: What?
CHRISTINA: Nothing.
BURKE: 10 blade.
GREG: Dr. O'Malley? Can you tell me what's going on in there?
GEORGE: You left... she thinks you left!
GREG: Look man, this is all about to digest. My little girl... she isn't even my little girl any more.
GEORGE: Noelle is in there freaking out because she thinks you left.
GREG: Just tell me if she is okay... please.
GEORGE: She's gone into premature labor. Dr. Montgomery... is about to do an emergency c-section to stop labor on the other.
GREG: So you're delivering one of the babies right now? Today?
GEORGE: In just a few minutes.
GREG: The boy or the girl?
GEORGE: Ham or eggs?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: You say you want a career in plastics, but you can't tear yourself away from the baby catchers long enough to show me you want it.
ALEX: Being on hold with the DMV doesn't have anything to do with a career in plastics Dr. Sloan
MARK: Only it does. Cause I have everything to do with your career in plastics, and I have everything to do with your career in plastics.
NURSE: Tyler, Addison Montgomery needs two units of B-Positive blood in L&D STAT.
(Alex hangs up with the DMV and goes to help)
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: So the biosynthetic dressings should ensure that you won't need skin grafts. And that's good.
GRETCHEN: Would that take long? I mean, how long would something like that take? If I had needed them?
MEREDITH: Oh that would depend on the severity of the burn.
GRETCHEN: So you mean more severe than this one? It would have to be more severe.
MEREDITH: Just to make sure that I have everything accurate, you burned your hand...
GRETCHEN: We've been over this.
MEREDITH: I'm sorry..
GRETCHEN: Look I have a test Friday and I have work to do. I want to get out of here. I'm ready to go home.
IZZIE: Gretchen did you burn your hand on purpose?
MEREDITH: Izzie you heard what Dr. Bailey said.
IZZIE: It's okay if you did. It's just... did you... burn your hand to get out of taking your test?
GRETCHEN: I can't fail that damn test one more time. I just can't. It's all anyone if my family...anyone in my life talks about. It's all I'm known for. Oh Gretchen the failure. Can you imagine failing the bar exam five times? Five times! I mean that's absurd. It's just...that's pathetic. I cannot sit for 2 1/2 solid days of testing...again...just to prove to everyone again...how pathetic I am. Now...when.
IZZIE: You feel that pathetic all by yourself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADDISON: Okay, I've completed the incision. I'm going to ask you to move the top uterus to the side so I can reach the one underneath.
GEORGE: Okay.
ADDISON: I don't want to alarm you or make you nervous in any way, 'cause you seem like a decent person, O'Malley, but I've got about 120 seconds to get baby 1 out of uterus 1 while you're holding uterus 2. And if you so much as hiccup you could rupture uterus 2 and kill this woman's child. Just try and be careful okay?
GEORGE: Okay.
NURSE: Wow. Look at that.
ADDISON: Amazing huh?
CHRISTINA: Applying the final hemastasis suture.
BURKE: Don't be afraid to.
CHRISTINA: Grab a bigger piece? Got it.
BURKE: Very nice Dr. Yang.
CHRISTINA: Applying pressure.
BURKE: Gently.
(They pull a mass out of the guy's heart.)
CHRISTINA: It was attached at the intraventricular septum. are you going to use a graft to repair?
BURKE: Someone's been doing their homework.
CHRISTINA: 4-0 Prolene please. Thank you very much Boki.
ADDISON: Ready to perforate uterus 2.
GEORGE: Wait, Dr. Montgomery, my baby's moving. It's really moving, I can't hold it.
ADDISON: I need you to hold her still if I'm going to do the c-section.
GEORGE: I know. I'm trying. What should I do? It's really moving.
ADDISON: I need you to keep her still George.
NURSE: You're sending her into distress. You have to get that baby to stop moving.
GEORGE: How do I do that?
ALEX: Talk O'Malley.
(Alex moves towards the table.)
GEORGE: Alex...
ADDISON: Dr. Karev move away from the table.
ALEX: Talk to it, to the baby to calm it down.
ADDISON: Karev.
GEORGE: Talk about what?
ALEX: October 30, 1974, it's the fight known as Rumble in the Jungle. World heavyweight champ George Foreman is pitted against Muhammed Ali. It's his first fight in 3 1/2 years out of the ring.
GEORGE: It's working
ALEX: Foreman is his favorite to win. He's younger, stronger.
ADDISON: Scalpel.
ALEX: But he's not prepared for what Ali later called the rope-a-dope. It all starts in the second round. He comes out swinging. Ali's backed up against the ropes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DEREK: That's not going to stay on. Giving it too much slack
CHIEF: You're blocking my light.
(He's trying to sew a button onto his shirt.)
DEREK: Think of it as a basic corner stitch.
CHIEF: I can figure out how to sew on my own buttons, thank you. I am a surgeon.
DEREK: Right.
CHIEF: Oh for God's sakes. You sew this on for me, I'll get rid of Addison and Sloan.
DEREK: Really?
CHIEF: No.
DEREK: Well, I'll do it anyway.
CHIEF: So I heard you've got a sister wandering the halls She planning on moving in too?
DEREK: I hope not.
CHIEF: Derek I know it's been hard for you.
DEREK: He was like my brother. I have four sisters. Four very annoying sisters. Mark was my brother. It's hard.
CHIEF: Divorce isn't all it's cracked up to be is it?
DEREK: I just want it to be easy. Move on.
CHIEF: But you're in a surprising amount of pain.
DEREK: You and Adele?
CHIEF: I'm sewing on a button for the first time in my life. What does that tell you?
DEREK: Technically, I'm sewing. I'm just saying.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ALEX: Dr. Sloan
MARK: Just so we're clear, you knew when you stepped into that ER that you were forfeiting your career in plastics, right?
ALEX: But, Dr. Sloan...
MARK: I need my phone back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BURKE: Well done. You were very prepared.
CHRISTINA: Yes, I'm always prepared.
BURKE: I couldn't have done it without you.
CHRISTINA: Thank you.
BAILEY: Dr. Burke, could we have a moment alone? I just I didn't realize that you were one of them. One of the doctors who have doubts about my abilities.
BURKE: Miranda, I'm not.
BAILEY: My name was erased from the board. I have to assume that was you.
BURKE: Dr. Bailey.
BAILEY: I just...I just need to know why. I need you to tell me why you didn't want me in on your surgery.
BURKE: I'm afraid I just couldn't use you.
BAILEY: I understand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NANCY: You should have seen the two uteruses. Unbelievable. And a cute baby to boot.
DEREK: I'm glad you're enjoying your trip.
NANCY: Oh Derek, I'm going. I'm on a plane back in 2 hours.
DEREK: So, you're going to report back to mom that...
NANCY: That you're you. Still running circles around all the women in your life. But that's to be expected with 4 sisters and a dead dad.
DEREK: I'm not running circles.
NANCY: Can you even remember the last time you were alone? You've never been single. I mean you're fine, but you're not happy. And you're not going to get happy until you get some space. You just need to get away. Away from Addie, away from the intern, just away. Think about what you want.
DEREK: Kathleen's the shrink Nancy, not you.
NANCY: I gotta go.
DEREK: Nancy, thanks for flying out here. It was... thanks
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRETCHEN: Where are we going again.
MEREDITH: We need to go upstairs.
GRETCHEN: OK. Wait. Wait. Where are we?
MEREDITH: We're on the psychiatric floor Gretchen. We need to place you on a 72 hour hold.
GRETCHEN: No I'm not crazy! I'm going home
MEREDITH: Gretchen.
GRETCHEN: No I just need to go home, Please?
IZZIE: You know you're just going to hurt yourself again. Isn't that your plan? So that you won't have to take the bar exam? You need some help Gretchen. If the idea of taking an exam makes you hold the palm of your hand to a burner... you need some help. Everyone needs help from time to time. To make sure they're okay, they're ready. I have that. And you need that right now.
(She consents.)
GRETCHEN: I'm not crazy.
IZZIE: I know.
GRETCHEN: Just didn't want to fail.
IZZIE: I know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NOELLE: What happened? Did everything go okay? Are my babies okay?
ADDISON: The surgery went very well. You have a healthy baby boy. And the labor stopped on our little girl. She's going to be just fine.
NOELLE: And Greg? Has Greg come back yet?
ADDISON: No, Noelle. I'm sorry. Greg isn't here.
(She passes back out.)
ADDISON: I want an update every half hour.
NOELLE: What happened? My babies?
ADDISON: Are just fine Noelle. You're just coming out of anaesthesia.
NOELLE: Is Greg back yet.
ADDISON: I'm sorry noel he's not here. (She slips away again.) (To George) And be sure to alert me to any fetal distress.
NOELLE: What happened?
ADDISON: Your babies are fine Noelle, everything is okay.
NOELLE: Is Greg back yet?
GREG (at the door): I'm right here.
NOELLE: Hi.
GREG: Hi. I saw our son. He's amazing. But how's our little girl?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: You look like you could use a little cheering up.
CALLIE: Not from you.
MARK: If I recall I was pretty good at cheering you up. One... two... yep three cheerful times.
CALLIE: Dirty. It was not cheerful, it was dirty. And like I said, no.
(Alex is listening in.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: So your sister really doesn't like me.
DEREK: Sorry. It's just... she's from the East Coast.
MEREDITH: Well I...
DEREK: I should have called.
MEREDITH: But you didn't.
DEREK: I want us to work it's just...It's complicated. I think I need a little time to..
MEREDITH: Take some space.
DEREK: Yeah. To clear my head.
MEREDITH: Yeah. Okay. Okay.
DEREK: Okay.
MEREDITH: (VO) There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.


[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Clay : Where to?
Quinn : Your place.
Nathan : Clay, Quinn is Haley's sister. She has a lot going on right now. Stay away from her.
Brooke : You were a huge hit last night. They think you're amazing.
Millicent : You don't think I look like "a frumpy whore on bingo night?"
Brooke : No! If I did, would I ask you to model full time?
Brooke : Honey, I'm home. Let's do this.
Alex : I told you it was realistic.
Julian : Hey, honey. Alex and I worked everything out.
Alex : Isn't that great?
Dan : "Nathan Scott: a basketball star's love child."
Rachel : Like father, like son, huh?
Haley : She's just so certain. You don't remember meeting her at all or...?
Nathan : You're actually starting to believe her, aren't you?
Dan : I heard about your problem. I was wondering if I could...
Nathan : You could what, help? You save your help for people who don't know you and stay away from me and my family.
Renee cell phone : You've reached Renee. Leave a message.
Dan : I trust you had a nice flight. I have a proposition for you.
AT THE RECORDING STUDIO
Director : Okay, folks. That's a wrap!
Nathan : Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Um, we, uh... we haven't even shot anything yet.
Director : You might want to call your agent, son.
Nathan : You're serious? Hey! Whoa.
Kylie : What a pity. I just found my motivation.
Nathan : Okay.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Brooke : Hey.
Julian : Mm.
Brooke : This hot body of yours has just inspired me to do something that I've never done before.
Julian : Oh, yeah?
Brooke : Yeah. And it's gonna take a lot of hard work, and it's gonna take a long, long time. And I'm gonna need you to start by taking your pants off.
Julian : Oh, that sounds amazing. But Alex is coming over to work.
Brooke : Ugh! You two were up half the night.
Julian : It's all business, Brooke. I don't know. She seems to have really come around. I
Brooke : don't buy it. Once a ho bag, always a ho bag.
Julian : Now, as I recall, you...
Brooke : You might want to consider what you are about to say very carefully. Now come kiss me till ho bag shows up.
ON THE BEACH
Quinn : Hey.
Clay : Hey.
Quinn : You're up early.
Clay : My shot at peace and quiet... the west coast wakes up in three hours, and my phone starts ringing.
Quinn : Nice.
Clay : Did you come down for a swim?
Quinn : Yeah, I tried but, uh, couldn't. I've been afraid of the ocean since I was a little girl.
Clay : Mm. Sharks.
Quinn : Immensity. You know, I thought if I just threw myself in and... Well... it didn't quite work out.
Clay : You should start smaller, like a toe. Work up to an ankle, maybe even a shin. Who knows?
Quinn : Yeah, I'm more of a "yank the band-aid" kind of girl.
Clay : Wait.
Quinn : Go. It's fine.
Clay : Hey, man. Oh, just relax, all right? I... Okay, I'll get into it. Yeah, fine. I'll meet you at your place. Oh...
Quinn : Time to find a phone booth and change into that super-agent costume.
Clay : Yeah, if only it were that easy. Um, I hate to run, but...
Quinn : Go. Save the day.
Clay : Okay. See ya.
AT ALEX HOTEL ROOM
Millicent : Oh, no. Oh... no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I never called Marvin!
Alex : Keep it down, Giselle. I'm trying to write. Besides, I thought you were mad at him.
Millicent : I was "ignore him for a couple of hours" mad, not "disappear for the second night in a row" mad.
Alex : Well, you can thank me later, but you were way drunk, so I texted him from your phone and let him know you were safe.
Millicent : "Melvin... got my drink on with Alex. If you're done being a tool, you should come rock out with your co..." Oh, my God.
Alex : Nope, just little old me. But I do work in mysterious ways.
AT THE CHANGING ROOM
Renee : So you want me to go on your show and tell the world my story?
Dan : That's right.
Renee : And you're gonna be on my side? Why would you do that? Nathan's your son. It could ruin him.
Dan : But you're the one telling the truth.
AT SCOTT' S HOUSE
Haley : You're not telling the truth.
Nathan : About what?
Haley : Renee. You said you didn't know her and you didn't remember her.
Nathan : I don't. Haley, we've been through this. Why can't you just believe me?
Haley : Her number is all over your old cell phone bill. Nathan! Excuse me... why aren't you explaining yourself?
Nathan : Because I shouldn't have to. But if you insist... I'm a professional basketball player. Girls get a hold of my e-mail, my telephone number. They try to contact me. And when they do, I reply to them and tell them to stop because I'm happily married to a woman who loves and trusts me. So I guess I did lie, Haley... but only when I told them that my wife trusts me.
AT THE APPARTMENT
Millicent : Marvin.
Mouth : Don't you mean "Melvin"?
Millicent : Please don't be mad even though you have every right to be. Alex called me after she left Julian's, and I was kind of already drinking because I thought you didn't think I was pretty enough to be a model.
Mouth : When did I say you weren't pretty enough? Of course you're pretty enough.
Millicent : Then maybe we could skip the whole fight and you could just be really excited for me, because... it's official... you're looking at the newest face of Clothes Over Bros! Oh, well, not this face. But once it's cleaned up with a little makeup...
Mouth : Congratulations, Millie. I just wish I was the one you wanted to celebrate with. Anyway, you'll understand if I can't stay and rock out with my...
Millicent : Marvin! That was Alex.
Mouth : Of course it was. Well, at least she texted me. I got to go.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Clay : This situation's like a war, Nate. We're gonna lose a few battles.
Nathan : Just stop with the metaphors and tell me what the hell happened this morning.
Haley : Simile. What? Similes use "like" or "as"... "like a war."
Clay : Guys. We lost the rainstorm body spray campaign, And it looks like the shoe deal's going away.
Nathan : What?
Clay : Temporarily.
Nathan : This is unbelievable.
Clay : I know it feels like the sky is falling, but when something like this goes down, marketing executives distance themselves to protect their brands. All right, almost always, they come back as soon as the air clears.
Nathan : "Almost always"?
Clay : Look, we knew there was a risk when we decided not to deal with Renee, but it has become a bit of an issue with the Bobcats.
Nathan : They don't want me back?
Clay : No, you are far too talented for that, but they're using it to their advantage, and negotiations have slowed. Again, like I said, we expected this. More importantly, Nate, the whole agency's on this, all right? Everybody respects your decision to fight this, and we've got your back. You just got to have some faith in us... and in each other.
Haley : Clay. He's gonna have a career when this is over, right?
Clay : Haley, I'm not gonna let anything happen to him.
Haley : Because you didn't see how dark he got the first time.
Clay : Look, this is a staring contest. Our best chance at having her blink first is if the press gets tired of this and nobody makes this story any bigger than it already is.
AT THE TV BROADCAST
Dan : I'm gonna make this story huge. But you don't trust me. I'd have to hate my son to tell your story, right? You're smart. I like that. That means my grandchild will be smart. Well, I was in Nathan's situation once. I refused to recognize a child that I'd fathered, and it was the second-worst mistake I ever made, but I made it in part because nobody forced me to look at the consequences of my actions. By coming out in support of you and allowing you to tell your story, I'll be forcing Nathan to take responsibility... if not emotionally, then at least financially.
Renee : He'll never forgive you.
Dan : Hmm. I've made my peace with that.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Millicent : There she is. I know... I'm late again, and we still haven't finished...
Calliope : The inventory. I also found that shipment that went missing in New Mexico, balanced the register from yesterday, and took the liberty of ordering some Bellissimo fabrics from Milan. You're gonna love them.
Brooke : I can't wait. Isn't she amazing?
Millicent : Um, I guess, but that's my job.
Brooke : Not anymore, miss thing. The fashion blogs are still buzzing about you. You are officially a model. Your only job now is to worry about being pretty. You... you might want to worry just a smidge more.
Millicent : I know. I was out late. And, Brooke, I am excellent at multitasking, and I'd be happy to keep my administrative responsibilities.
Brooke : Nonsense. I am not gonna have the new face of my company doing dirty work. Now off you go. Do whatever models do in their spare time. Just be back this afternoon for a swimsuit fitting.
Millicent : Swimsuits?
Brooke : Mm.
Millicent : Wow. Okay. I mean... great!
Brooke : Oh... Welcome to Clothes Over Bros.
AT MOUTH'S WORK
Mouth : Hey, man, how you doing?
Man : I'm doing better than Nathan Scott. I mean, that dude can't catch a break.
Mouth : What do you mean?
Man : You haven't checked the board. Oh, God, Mouth... He's losing his endorsements. Sports is breaking the story tonight at 6:00.
Mouth : If Charlie asks for me, tell him I'm... I'll be back later.
ON THE BEACH
Quinn : Clay! Hey.
Clay : Hey.
Quinn : What, did you run into some kryptonite? You need a friend?
Clay : You have no idea.
Quinn : Come on.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Alex : Seriously, you've been reading forever. Look, some of it's supposed to be funny. You're not laughing. You're not even smiling.
Julian : Maybe I'm laughing on the inside.
Alex : Are you? You're not. You're like, "wow, does she suck," on the inside. You're like, "she..."
Julian : This is good.
Alex : Like "I hate it, But there's a story in there somewhere" good?
Julian : No. These scenes are genuinely good... sweet, subtle, funny. Where did this come from?
Alex : Well, I woke up, and I was watching Millicent sleep. And she was, like, totally busted. So I asked myself what it would be like if I was that tragic, with, like, no self-confidence. And then I just added a boy.
Julian : Who are you?
Alex : Stick around. Maybe you'll find out.
Julian : Unfortunately, I can't stick around, because you are three hours late, and I have to meet Brooke for lunch.
Alex : Oh! Come on. Tell her we're on a roll.
Julian : Um, no. She's already a little jealous of our working relationship, but maybe we can meet back up tonight.
Alex : It's a date.
Julian : No.
Alex : Date-ish?
Julian : Work.
Alex : Work... date.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : We can still pay her.
Nathan : For what? The story's already out there.
Haley : For a retraction. The money she wants is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your career.
Nathan : It's too late for that.
Haley : Nathan, you're being stubborn, and I know I was against it at first, but if she were to get out there and say that this whole thing has been a lie...
Nathan : We're not paying her, Haley! We're not giving this woman a dime of our money.
ON THE BEACH
Quinn : You're really worried about this.
Clay : There's just so much riding on it. Quinn, I'm not in Tree Hill for a vacation. A while back, I went off the rails a bit... emotionally, and... luckily I had earned enough capital with the agency that they didn't fire me. They just scaled back my client roster and suggested I spend the summer here... pull myself together.
Quinn : And then Nathan's scandal happened. So the calm, cool exterior...
Clay : ... is kind of a lie.
Quinn : Just when I was beginning to wonder if we had anything in common.
Clay : Quinn, I shouldn't be here. Nathan doesn't want us hanging out, and I, uh, I have to respect that.
Quinn : No, look, Clay...
Clay : I'm sorry. Uh, thank you for this. I mean that. You're really great.
Quinn : Stick around.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke : Chase... What brings you in?
Chase : Hey. Uh, just doing a little shopping for Mia.
Brooke : Ohh. You guys have been together a long time.
Chase : Mm-hmm. What about you? I heard Julian moved here. That must be... awesome.
Brooke : Uh-huh.
Chase : Or not so awesome?
Brooke : No. It's amazing. I'm just a little annoyed because at first I had him all to myself, and lately he has been working with one of my models.
Chase : Mm. Well, I wouldn't worry. I'm sure it's harmless. I mean, guys, you know, don't even really... like... models.
Brooke : What are you doing today?
Chase : That depends on why you're looking at me like a piece of steak.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Mouth : I would have offered to spot you, but I max out at like 180... ish.
Nathan : You know, I don't believe in killing the messenger, Mouth, but every time I've seen you lately, it's been bad news.
Mouth : They're running a story at 6:00 that says you're losing your endorsements. Is it true?
Nathan : Yeah.
Mouth : I'm sorry, Nate.
Nathan : Yeah, me too. I heard about your demotion. How long are they gonna keep you locked up in the basement?
Mouth : The truth? Till I do a story on you.
Nathan : Then do the story, Mouth.
Mouth : Nate...
Nathan : I'm serious, Mouth. You've already done far more than I could ever ask. Take care of your career.
AT THE BAR
Alex : And then he finally looks up, and he's like, "after reading this, I think we should be in a relationship."
Millicent : He said that... "relationship"?
Alex : Well, I mean, he put "working" in front of it, but a relationship is a relationship.
Millicent : Except in a working relationship, you never, under any circumstances, no matter how tempted you are, have s*x with the other person. You're aware of that, right?
Alex : I think that's sort of a gray area.
Millicent : It's actually black-and-white, crystal-clear, written in stone.
Alex : Fine, crabby. Whatever!
Millicent : Sorry. It's just Brooke's my friend, even if she did give my job to Calliope.
Alex : Tell me you are not regretting your decision. This modelling stuff is awesome. I mean, it's hard work, but it's "pretty people" work.
Millicent : I don't know. I was good at my job.
Alex : Administrative work is for fatties, Millicent, and you are not a fatty. You... are a plus-size model.
ON THE STREET
Renee : I take it you looked at Nathan's phone bill.
Haley : If I pay you, what do I get?
Renee : I go away.
Haley : No, I'm sorry. That's not good enough. I want a retraction. I want a public letter that says this whole thing has been a lie.
Renee : Fine, if that's what will help you sleep at night, but it won't be the truth. And the price has gone up... $250,000.
Haley : That's crazy.
Renee : Actually, that's the estimated price of raising your husband's child until the age of 18. Do we have a deal? I'll tell you what. You can have until 8:00 tonight to decide. After that, I have other options.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Julian : Brooke! Hello!
Brooke : One sec. Got it.
Julian : Can I borrow you?
Brooke : Mmm.
Julian : Want to tell me why you were mounting your ex-boyfriend in the back room?
Brooke : Because you weren't available.
Julian : Very funny.
Brooke : I'm serious. This morning I looked over at this big, sexy body, and I thought to myself, "why aren't you making men's clothes, Brooke Davis?"
Julian : Mm-hmm. Clothes for Bros?
Brooke : Ka-ching! But in order to make men's clothes, you need a fit model for measurements. You were my first choice, but, alas...
Julian : I was busy with Alex. I get it. Well, I'm here now, and I'm all about taking my clothes off for you in the back room, so you can send your little boy toy packing.
Brooke : You're very sweet, but I think I'm gonna stick with Chase. I'm already halfway through his measurements. But don't worry, baby. We're all business. Hey, Chase, break's over! Drop your pants.
AT MOUTH'S WORK
Mouth : I want back on the air. I obviously have an opinion, but at the end of the day, I work for you.
CEO : You are aware of what's on the board for tonight?
Mouth : Yeah, Nathan Scott's losing his endorsements. I took the liberty of getting a quote from him.
CEO : Nice work. Glad to hear you've come around.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : Don't. It's the press. They've been calling all day.
Quinn : Beat it, nerds.
Nathan : Thanks.
Quinn : You're welcome. And as a favor, it would be great if you wouldn't give Clay such a hard time about hanging out with me. I'm not a child anymore, Nathan.
Nathan : Are you sure about that?
Quinn : What's that supposed to mean?
Nathan : I don't know. Running away from your problems just doesn't seem very adult.
Quinn : Says the guy who's afraid to answer the telephone.
Nathan : Look... if you want to sleep around, I'm sure there's plenty of guys in Tree Hill who aren't responsible for my career that could probably help you out with that.
Quinn : You ever hear the one about people who live in glass houses?
Nathan : Yeah, I have. And if you don't like living in mine, you'll welcome to move back in with your husband.
Quinn : Nice, Nathan. You know, speaking of running away from your problems, maybe you should try answering one of those, coward.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Alex : I know you love to say zero is not a size, but technically zero is my size, and those are granny panties.
Brooke : These are a zero.
Alex : Really? My diet pills must be working.
Millicent : Your vitamins?
Brooke : What?
Alex : Oh, right. Vitamins.
Brooke : Okay. Whatever. I'll... see if I can take these in.
Alex : Great. Oh, and speaking of my perfect ass, I understand from Julian you might be a little concerned about our relationship.
Millicent : Working relationship.
Alex : You have nothing to worry about... Seriously. I mean, I stripped naked, and that boy didn't even flinch. He is clearly so in love with you.
AT THE BAR
Mia : Well, you're not Chase.
Julian : If only
Mia : I asked the waitress if there was a tall, dark, and handsome boy waiting for his date. She pointed me here.
Julian : Sorry to disappoint, but your "tall, dark, and handsome" is getting naked with my "short, hot, and bossy."
Mia : Huh?
Julian : He's doing some fit modeling for Brooke at Clothes Over Bros. It's harmless. I hope. Hey, can I ask you something?
Mia : Lose the shirt.
Julian : I'll go get a tape measure. No, actually, it's about being a songwriter. Do you ever meet people on tour that surprise you with their talent? I mean, uh... You know, somebody who seems simple or goofy or even ditzy, and then... bam... All of a sudden, they write this amazing song?
Mia : Hi. I'm Mia.
Julian : No, you're not like that at all.
Mia : Maybe not, but I used to be really shy. And I think sometimes all somebody needs is someone to look a little deeper... unlock their potential, like Haley did with me.
Julian : Hmm.
Mia : Was that answer worth lunch? 'Cause I'm kind of starving.
Julian : On me.
AT TV BROADCAST
Rachel : Baby, you are a genius. The interest in the interview with Renee is off the charts.
Dan : You're not having second thoughts, are you?
Rachel : Dan, Nathan had a chance to take responsibility for this child, and he chose not to. Giving this girl a voice is the right thing to do.
Dan : Well, we don't have a show unless Renee agrees, and I haven't heard from her since this morning.
Rachel : Mm. You just leave that up to me.
Dan : It doesn't matter where I go, you always seem to find me.
Rachel : I just follow all the other girls. They lead me right to you.
Dan : It hasn't been easy lately.
Rachel : Then I guess it's a good thing I'm here.
Dan : How'd you like to stay the night tonight? Like old times.
Rachel : Well... that's up to you, isn't it?
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : I called Renee.
Nathan : What?
Haley : She said for $250,000, she would sign a retraction.
Nathan : Amazing... The economy's crumbling, and the truth keeps getting more expensive.
Haley : Well, she's willing to say this whole thing was a lie, so...
Nathan : You willing to believe it?
Haley : I didn't come out here to ask for your permission, Nathan. I came here to tell you that I'm paying her.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Chase : Are you okay?
Brooke : No, I'm not okay! Ho bag got naked in front of Julian!
Chase : "Ho bag"?
Brooke : Alex "my butt is the size of a kumquat" Dupre.
Chase : She is so manipulative and materialistic and self-serving and naked and... Brooke-ish?
Brooke : What did you say?
Chase : Nothing.
Brooke : Funny, I could have sworn that I heard you speak.
Chase : I meant she just seems a little bit like you were in high school.
Brooke : Huh.
Chase : She always wanted high-school Brooke. Can I put my pants back on now? I'll take that as a yes.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Girl : You blame yourself for Nathan's troubles.
Clay : I wasn't a great influence... the girls, the parties.
Girl : Do you think he did it?
Clay : No.
Girl : Then stop blaming yourself and fix it.
Clay : Stay the night. I miss this.
Girl : Is that what you want?
Clay : That's what I need.
AT TV
Mouth : Nathan Scott is Tree Hill local who overcame injury and adversity to achieve a dream he had since childhood... a dream to play professional basketball. But lately Nathan's career has taken a backseat to allegations of an affair that led to the pregnancy of a fan. In my opinion, continuing to report on these allegations without any further evidence of their validity is a reckless attempt on the part of this network to boost ratings. Now, I'm not saying athletes are above the law. I'm saying it's up to science to determine the validity of these claims, not the evening news. To date, there has been no new evidence to suggest that Nathan Scott is guilty of these allegations, and yet he looks guiltier
the more that we report on him.
AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM
Millicent : Sorry. I think I left my camera in your bathroom. For my part,
Mouth : I got into sports news because I think reporting on athletes inspires people to be exceptional. And while I've never been an exceptional athlete, I can strive to be exceptional in my own way... by refusing to bow to pressure, by refusing to stoop to a level that's beneath me, just like Nathan Scott has refused to.
Millicent : Found it!
Mouth : I believe in Nathan Scott. But I also believe in my viewers. I believe you don't want any part in dragging him through the mud. So if you want Sports news and not gossip, turn the channel. Let my boss know that news isn't just about ratings. It's about people and integrity, but mostly it's about truth, and that still means something. I am Marvin McFadden, and this is Sports. Or at least... it used to be.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : Her retraction at this point won't change anyone's opinion.
Haley : It might.
Nathan : They'll all just assume we paid her off, and we will have, which will just make us look even more guilty. But you know this, Haley, which... makes me think the only reason you have left to pay her off is that you're starting to believe she might be telling the truth. Haley, if I'm guilty of this... not only am I the kind of guy that would cheat on you, I'm the kind of guy that would father a child and then turn his back. I'm Dan Scott. If you think I'm capable of that, you do what you have to do, but I guarantee you, if you've lost faith in me, all the money in the world isn't gonna fix it.
Quinn : Yeah?
Nathan : You're all right?
Quinn : No. But it's okay. If I was, I'd be a pretty lousy person.
Nathan : I'm sorry about earlier. It's just been...
Quinn : I know. I'm sorry that woman's lying about you. I know you'd never hurt Haley like that. And you're not a coward. If anyone's a coward, it's me. I'm not running away from my problems, Nathan. I'm walking away from something that's broken. And that doesn't mean that I'm not scared. I just don't know how to let him go.
Nathan : I guess you do it a little bit at a time. You're welcome to stay here under our roof for as long as it takes, though.
Quinn : Thank you.
AT RED BEDROOM RECORDS
Chase : Wow. A candle it pool-table-top picnic dinner. What's the occasion?
Mia : I figured my man was gonna be hungry after spending the day modeling for his ex-girlfriend. She get all your measurements?
Chase : All but one.
Mia : Oh, yeah? What'd she miss?
Chase : How much I love my girlfriend.
Mia : She forgot the most important measurement of all?
Chase : She didn't forget. She just didn't have a tape measure big enough.
Mia : Always with the best answers.
Chase : Always with the best lips.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Mouth : If you ask it who's the fairest of them all, I'm out. Whoa, hey. That was a joke. Millie, I'm not mad anymore, okay? Last night was my fault. I shouldn't have been so...
Millicent : I think I made a mistake, Marvin. I don't know if I want this.
Mouth : Then why'd you say yes?
Millicent : Because it made me feel special. I mean, I felt competent at my old job. I felt smart and capable and reliable, but I never felt special.
Mouth : I think... you're the most special girl I've ever met.
Millicent : Thank you, Marvin. But that night, it was like the whole world believed I was special. But who am I kidding? I'm not a model. I'm just Millicent.
Mouth : Come here.
Millicent : What are you doing?
Mouth : Funny... you are definitely the same girl who rocked the fashion industry' world the other night, and she was a model. Have you been through any drastic changes in the last 48 hours?
Millicent : No.
Mouth : Hmm. Then, uh... unless I'm mistaken, you're still a model. And if modeling makes you feel special, then you should do it, 'cause you deserve to feel that way. You deserve to feel special every second of every day.
AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM
Julian : All right, I'll explain this in a minute.
Alex : Take your time. I am happy to watch. You work. I am happy to watch you work. It's very interesting and work-ish. I'm gonna get that. Brooke. Come in.
Brooke : Thanks. This'll just take a second. You're fired.
Alex : I have a contract.
Brooke : I'll pay you out. It's worth the loss.
Alex : This is so unnecessary. Julian and I have a working relationship. That means no "doing it."
Brooke : Maybe. But it's recently been brought to my attention that the way you behave is a lot like high-school me used to, and I would be insane to let high-school me anywhere near the man I love. The man I love, who shouldn't even think about sleeping anywhere but the couch tonight.
Julian : I'm sorry. What did I do?
Brooke : What you didn't do is tell me that ho bag got naked for you.
Julian : Oh, that.
Brooke : Yeah, that. You... couch. You... fired. Ciao, bitches.
Alex : You can sleep here if you want.
AT THE CHANGING ROOM
Rachel : Thanks for meeting me. Have a seat. I know it must be hard to believe That Dan's gonna put you on the air and let you speak freely about how awful his son has been to you.
Renee : You could say that.
Rachel : There's something I think you should know. When Dan heard about you, he reached out to Nathan, and Nathan shut him down, just like he always does.
Renee : So?
Rachel : So Dan isn't doing this to help Nathan see the light. He's doing this to bury Nathan. And the deeper Nathan is buried, the more money he'll have to pay you to dig himself out. So... will you do the show?
Renee : Okay. I'm in.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : I didn't do it. I couldn't.
Nathan : That's what sets you apart from her. It's one of a thousand reasons why I could never, under any circumstances, cheat on you.
Haley : I don't want to see you lose your... your dream.
Nathan : Lose her? She's right here. And I'm never letting go of her.


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at them.]
Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay?
Rachel: We weren't doing anything!
Joey: Rach, he just saw us.
Rachel: Shhh.
Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss.
Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados.
Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.
Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but..
Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross.
Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so...
(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
Joey: Ross?
Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.
Ross: So you two are..?
Joey and Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: And have you .. ed?
Joey: No, no, no!
Rachel: No, no, no!
Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..?
Joey: Probably.
(Rachel looks at him.)
Joey: No, no!
Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts.
Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts?
Rachel: No, but you know what I mean.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine!
Joey: Really?
Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this.
Joey: Ross..
Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
Rachel: Calm ourselves?
Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!
Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird?
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.)
Joey: I do like fajitas.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Monica glares at him.)
Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair.
Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff?
Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies.
Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one!
Monica: That's not really how it works.
Phoebe: Oh, how does it work?
Monica: I don't know!
Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.
Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)
Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules.
(The triplets scream and run amok in the coffeehouse.)
Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!!
Phoebe: Hey!
Frank Jr.: Hey.
Phoebe: Good to see you.
Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too.
Monica: Hi Frank.
Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'?
Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big!
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Monica: Which one is which again?
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to adopt triplets?" No!
[Scene: The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.]
Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.
Rachel: Well, what would we be doing?
Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home...
Rachel: Feel me up?
Joey: In a carriage!
(Charlie walks up to them.)
Joey: Hey, Charlie!
Rachel: Hey.
Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this?
Rachel: Oh, you bet.
(Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.)
Joey: So, did you bring a little something for Ross?
Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment.
Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks.
Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want.
Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out..
(They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.)
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine.
Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)
Joey: Uh, actually, that's..
Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!!
Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little...
Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine?
Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink.
Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.
(Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.]
Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels.
Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again.
Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute.
Frank Jr.: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing..
Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years!
Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time.
Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.
Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.
Phoebe: What?
Frank Jr.: No, I can't.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them!
Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one.
Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one?
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.
Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help.
Bill: We went through the same thing when we were adopting.
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
(Bill and Colleen look shocked.)
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us.
Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help.
(She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.)
Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you need.
Monica: Oh my god!
Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white.
Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your left.
(Chandler leaves.)
Colleen: I would have told him to do it too.
Monica: Can I adopt you?
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Owen: Yeah.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Owen: You were?
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Owen: Huh?
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Owen: I have a badge in it.
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Owen: You wanna see it?
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Owen: What?!?
Chandler: What?
Owen: I'm adopted?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.]
Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.
Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'.
Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready?
Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.
Rachel: No awareness.
Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go?
(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
Ross: My fajitas!!
(He runs off to the kitchen.)
Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.
Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.
(Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.)
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable?
(Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.)
Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
(Ross laughs.)
Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow!
[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.]
Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we?
Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not.
Phoebe: Insane.
Frank Jr.: I know.
Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right?
Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard.
Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up?
Frank Jr.: Huh.
Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.?
Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny.
Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie?
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids.
Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there.
Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow?
Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together.
Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for.
Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets): Look at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair, and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom?
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go!
(Bill and Colleen enter.)
Colleen: Hey.
Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen.
Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
(Owen comes running in.)
Owen: I'm adopted?!
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Bill: What? Where did you hear that?
Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Colleen: You told him he's adopted?
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Owen: He isn't?!
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.]
Ross: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.
Rachel: Ooy.
Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.
(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.)
Joey: Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally.
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.
Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.
Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off.
Ross: No!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay?
Ross: Okay.
Charlie: Alright.
(Ross goes to the kitchen.)
Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so..
Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
(Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates with flan.)
Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too.
Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good.
(The oven timer pings again.)
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.
Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
(They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel leaves.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.]
Joey: Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly..
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this?
Ross: Yeah, I'm sure.
Joey: And we're okay?
(Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands. He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)
ENDING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebs
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
(The triplets stare at him.)
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)


Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.
Meredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen.
Toby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in]
Michael: Morning.
Toby: Michael.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Did you sleep in cabins?
Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Who went?
Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]
Michael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Toby: Michael wasn't invited.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely, yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah?
Michael: Oh, you wanna go today?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: And I am always busy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim: Is there a limit?
Michael: Your body only has a certain amount.
Jim: Well, is that it? Or?
Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]
Jim: What's that?
Michael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---
Jim: Right.
Michael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
Dwight: [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room]
Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what...
Dwight: Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk]
Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.
Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going?
Michael: No.
Pam: Great.
Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Pam: Oh.
Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim: OK, great.
Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Jim: Yup.
Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim: That'd be great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way[/b]: no, I do not.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Michael: You...
Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?
Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious.
Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not?
Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Jim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?
Angela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?
Jim: I do remember, yeah.
Angela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?
Angela: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday!
Kelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday!
Oscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday!
Phyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.
Angela: I don't like it. [Angela leaves]
Pam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?
Jim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?
Pam: Do you think it's a good idea?
Jim: No... I think it's a great idea.
Pam: [smiles] Hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: We're here. [gets out of the car]
Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
Dwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: You know, try sending them another invoice.
Oscar: Ok.
Jim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
Oscar: [picks up and reads memo] "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool.
Jim: Right? I was just thinking...
Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Jim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles]
Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --
Dwight: I'm just --
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold.
Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.
Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]
Dwight: Good luck, Michael.
Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
Jim: What's that?
Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake.
Jim: Oh, sure.
Meredith: Yes!
Jim: OK. [Meredith leaves]
Pam: Wow! That was easy.
Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess.
Creed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: I hate devils food.
Jim: Well I think Meredith was just --
Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim: Everybody's birthday.
Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim: What do you want?
Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim: You want a birthday pie?
Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
Jim: It will be Angela.
Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck].
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk]
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Not your birthday.
Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.
Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.
Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Andy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk]
Jim: Alright. [Andy rolls back]
Andy: Pizza rolls.
Jim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here.
Andy: Mushroom caps.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs].
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple?
Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?
Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.
Oscar: Probably went to his head.
Creed: Yeah. [Jim enters room]
Oscar: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey guys, what're we talking about?
Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: [knocks] Hey Jim.
Jim: Toby.
Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Jim: Oh, thanks man.
Toby: Yeah...
Jim: Is there anything --
Toby: My birthday was two months ago.
Jim: Oh, OK.
Toby: There was no party.
Jim: What?
Toby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim: I remember that.
Toby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.
Jim: Seriously?
Toby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?
Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Jim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam: [raises hand] Conference room?
Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'
Kevin: Oh, I'll take 'em.
Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.
Phyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth]
Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Everybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie]
Michael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey, buddy.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: What up?
Jim: Sure glad you're back.
Michael: You are relieved.
Jim: You have no idea.
Michael: So what did I miss?
Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael: Oh.
Jim: So, terrible idea.
Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim: You did do it?
Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.