"The Finger in the Nest"
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEASER
(Open: Special Agent Seeley Booth and his son, Parker, are walking through a park, talking. Booth has a football in his hands.)
BOOTH: You know what the most beautiful thing in the world is?
PARKER: Mom says a sunset.
BOOTH: Okay, well, one of the most beautiful man-made things.
PARKER: Mom says the Mona Lisa.
BOOTH: Okay, look, all due respect to your mom, buddy, but a perfectly thrown spiral is way better than any of that stuff, okay, so let me show you how you do this. You put your hand up here like that, spread your fingers wide.
PARKER: My hand's too small.
BOOTH: It'll grow, alright? Okay, hand there to steady the ball. Lift it up to your ear.
(Parker lifts the football up near his chin.)
BOOTH: No, your ear, not your chin, silly. Alright.
PARKER: What's it saying?
BOOTH: It's saying, "Throw your old man a deep pass for a touchdown!" Hey!
(Booth runs out to catch the football then runs back to tackle Parker.)
BOOTH: What? What you got? Whoo!
(They both go down and Parker looks up into the tree they're playing beneath.)
PARKER: Hey, there's a bird's nest.
BOOTH: Where?
PARKER: There.
BOOTH: Cool, huh? Hey, you want me to lift you up so you can see inside?
PARKER: How about I knock it down with a perfect spiral?
BOOTH: No, no, no... don't do that, you don't want to do that. That's somebody's home, okay, buddy? Something could be alive in there, okay?
(Parker nods understanding.)
BOOTH: So you want me to boost you up so you can see?
PARKER: Sure.
BOOTH: Alright, you ready?
PARKER: Yeah.
BOOTH: One, two, three and up.
(Booth lifts Parker so he can see into the nest.)
BOOTH: What do you see up there?
PARKER: Higher, a little higher.
BOOTH: Higher? Okay.
(Parker looks into the nest.)
PARKER: I see something.
BOOTH: Well, if it's an egg, don't touch it because if the mommy bird comes back... PARKER: It's not an egg.
BOOTH: What is it?
(Parker lifts something out of the nest and looks at it.)
PARKER: It's somebody's finger.
(Cut to: Dr. Temperance Brennan driving in her car talking on her cell phone to Dr. Camille Saroyan who is in the Medico- Legal Lab platform, with Brennan on speakerphone, she's there with a new grad student, Mr. Scott Starret.)
BRENNAN: He pulled the finger out of a bird's nest.
CAM: Did he completely freak out?
BRENNAN: Booth said Parker wanted to put it in his pocket and take it home.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform.)
STARRET: When it comes to boys, that "snips and snails and puppy dog's tails" thing is pretty accurate.
CAM: You have a son?
STARRET: I have four.
BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) Mr. Starret is my oldest grad student.
(Cut to: Brennan driving.)
BRENNAN: Can you get a fingerprint?
CAM: (heard over the speakerphone) Uh, not enough flesh.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform.)
STARRET: There are scrapes on the bone and a jagged appearance here where it was severed.
BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) Well, it was probably chewed off by a wild animal.
(Dr. Jack Hodgins enters the platform.)
HODGINS: The sticky stuff on the finger turns out to be sap from a flowering Japanese Cherry.
(Hodgins looks at Mr. Starret strangely, and then shakes a finger at him.)
HODGINS: I know you from somewhere.
(Mr. Starret looks Hodgins over and nods agreement.)
STARRET: Right. I sold you a vintage '50s hot rod back in the mid-90s. You were clean shaven back then.
HODGINS: Because I was a kid.
BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) But you drove a hot rod, Hodgins?
HODGINS: No, I did not. The lemon he sold me broke down after a week.
CAM: Body parts in park, mystery needs solving.
HODGINS: (turns toward a computer and begins typing) The nest was made by a corvus brachyrhynchos. The American crow.
(Cut to: Image of a black crow on a computer screen.)
HODGINS: A crow will seldom stray more than twelve miles from its nest.
STARRET: There's a spectacular copse of Japanese flowering Cherry at the Jefferson Memorial.
HODGINS: How do you know?
STARRET: Career number two: Parks supervisor.
CAM: The Jefferson Memorial is eight miles from where Parker found the finger.
BRENNAN: Good work, guys. (Hangs up her phone)
HODGINS: I'd say "King of the Lab" but... that just depresses me.
(Hodgins exits and Starret looks confusedly at Cam. She shakes her head.)
CAM: Don't ask.
(Cut to: Booth's office at the FBI building. Parker is sitting in Booth's chair at his desk and Booth and Dr. Lance Sweets are standing outside the office watching him.)
SWEETS: A human finger?
BOOTH: Yeah, a human finger, alright? Look, is my son going to be suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress, you know like suppressed feelings, memories, all that hooey?
SWEETS: Well, a child's brain can't process death as an end. You know, that's why we tell children that their deceased loved ones are looking down on us from heaven.
BOOTH: Which they are.
SWEETS: Yeah, it's an excellent coping technique. You know, grandma isn't worm food, she's simply moved on to a better place.
BOOTH: Which she did.
SWEETS: Yeah. Parker looks good to me.
(Cut to: Parker playing with a baseball and glove.)
BOOTH: So, you talk to him?
SWEETS: "Hi, Parker, I'm Dr. Sweets. I'm a psychologist and I'm here to talk to you about the human finger that you found."
BOOTH: That's great. Could you do that?
SWEETS: No. That could introduce issues that don't currently exist. Just call me if he displays any symptoms of distress.
BOOTH: Okay, any symptoms of distress. Like um, killing cats?
SWEETS: Yeah, sure.
(Cut to: Booth and Brennan, Booth is sitting in the SUV while Brennan leans against it. Lights are flashing around them, obviously at a crime scene near the Jefferson Memorial.)
BRENNAN: When I was five years old, I went next door to visit our neighbor, Mrs. Walkey, and she was dead; sitting at the kitchen table. And I'm alright.
BOOTH: You spend your life with skeletons. It's just a matter of time. He's just a kid. He's gonna realize that he had a dead finger in his hand. He's gonna freak out.
BRENNAN: Are you afraid you're going to get into trouble with Rebecca?
BOOTH: There's a chance that he might not say anything to her.
BRENNAN: So, yes.
FBI AGENT: Agent Booth?
BOOTH: Yeah?
FBI AGENT: We found something.
(Booth gets out of the car and shuts the door.)
(Cut to: Booth and Brennan with flashlights walk into a copse of trees.)
BOOTH: Okay, what have you got?
(Cut to: An opossum chewing on a corpse.)
BOOTH: Whoa!
BRENNAN: Aww, it's an opossum.
BOOTH: Eating a body. Should I shoot it?
BRENNAN: No. No, no, no. Opossums are scared of humans. Here! (Walks toward the opossum, tucking her flashlight under her arm, and starts clapping her hands.) Shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoo, shoo. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. Shoo, shoo. C'mon, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. (Opossum walking slowly off.)
BOOTH: Yeah, they're terrified.
(Brennan returns to the corpse and looks down at it.)
BRENNAN: A number of body parts are missing. We'll have to grid the vicinity.
BOOTH: Okay, we'll re-calibrate the search, and we'll call this ground zero.
BRENNAN: Fanny pack, PDA clip.
BOOTH: Well, if you can identify this person, I can subpoena the PDA's contents.
BRENNAN: Partial skull.
BOOTH: (Shines his flashlight around the area and lands on the opossum.) Oh, look at that. The possum's dead. (Eyes brighten with an idea.) I got it! The victim was poisoned, the possum ate the victim, got poisoned and died. That's it.
BRENNAN: (walks over to the opossum while explaining to Booth) A stressed-out opossum can go into a false sleep, lasting up to four hours. (Picks up the opossum by the tail, and it starts moving shortly after.)
BOOTH: Oh. So the possum was faking it?
BRENNAN: Uh-huh. (Puts the opossum down and it walks off.)
BOOTH: Wow. Yep, there it goes.
BRENNAN: Uh, you should go get him.
BOOTH: What do I look like, Ranger Rick?
BRENNAN: He could have evidence in his digestive tract.
BOOTH: C'mon, Bones.
BRENNAN: Booth, evidence.
BOOTH: Fine, I'll go get your possum.
BRENNAN: Opossum.
BOOTH: Possum.
BRENNAN: Opossum.
ACT ONE
(Open on: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Mr. Starret and Cam are examining the remains found near the Jefferson Memorial.)
STARRET: The sternal rib end indicates the victim was between 35 and 40 years old. The length of the long bones suggests he was between five-foot-eight and five-ten.
CAM: He?
STARRET: Bone density and skull indicators suggest male.
CAM: Time of death... approximately four days ago. Lividity indicates that he died somewhere else and was then dumped. Deep puncture wounds to the trachea pierced the jugular. He bled to death.
STARRET: I'll make an impression of the wounds, and see if we can't specify a murder weapon.
CAM: First we look for particulates.
(Cut to: Hodgins looking in a microscope, Sweets is standing nearby.)
HODGINS: Bull pen1s.
SWEETS: Beg your pardon?
HODGINS: The fanny pack had dandruff-sized flakes of bull pen1s in it. (Sits back from the microscope and looks at Sweets) Why are you spying on me?
SWEETS: Could it be because I'm the dupe of an organ of the shadowy forces that secretly run this country?
HODGINS: You got the dupe part right. (Looks back into the microscope) Freeze dried bovine phallus.
SWEETS: You know where to find me if you wish to discuss anything.
HODGINS: Yeah, the problem isn't finding you-it's avoiding you. Hm.
SWEETS: Okay.
(Sweets exits.)
(Cut to: Angela's office. Angela is at the computer while Starret and Cam look over her shoulders.)
ANGELA: The skull was badly mangled, so I was only able to construct a partial. But I cross-checked physiological markers against the missing persons database and it yielded three possibilities. Okay. Robert Sanchez, 24... STARRET: Too young.
ANGELA: Michael Minden, former basketball coach, thirty-nine.
STARRET: Too tall.
ANGELA: That leaves Dr. Seth Elliot, veterinarian, thirty-seven.
CAM: Any objections to Dr. Elliot?
STARRET: He falls into the parameters. Plus, dog trainers use freeze dried bull penises as rewards. He was a veterinarian.
ANGELA: H-how do you know about the bull pen1s stuff?
CAM: He's middle-aged and he's held every possible job.
STARRET: Four boys, seven dogs, fourteen guinea pigs, one reticulated python... you get the point.
ANGELA: I got it.
(Cut to: Conference room at the FBI building. Booth and Brennan are questioning the ex-wife of the victim, Alice Elliot.)
ALICE: Oh, God. I've always hated that fanny pack. That's blood on it, isn't it? What happened?
BRENNAN: Mrs. Elliot, when did you last speak with your husband?
ALICE: Ex-husband. On Thursday, we made arrangements for Seth to pick up Brando. We have joint custody.
BOOTH: And Brando is... (A small dog pokes it's head out of a bag on Alice's lap) your cat.
BRENNAN: That's a dog, Booth.
BOOTH: I... Thank you. So, uh... Seth Elliot never picked up Fido.
BRENNAN: Brando.
BOOTH: The dog?
ALICE: Seth's dead, isn't he?
BOOTH: I'm afraid so.
(Alice starts to cry and hugs the dog.)
BRENNAN: May I hold your dog while you cry? (Alice hands over the dog and Brennan grins.) Oh, he's so compact. (The dog is making small yipping and growling noises.)
ALICE: Brando adored Seth. So did I.
BOOTH: Wow, not so many ex-wives speak so fondly of their former husbands.
ALICE: I never wanted to divorce Seth.
BRENNAN: Then why did you?
ALICE: You know, Seth had a serious gambling problem. He would either lose our car payment, or he would come home with diamond earrings. And when he lost our house, filing for divorce was supposed to be a wakeup call.
BOOTH: And he never woke up.
ALICE: No.
BOOTH: Listen, do you have the bookie's name?
ALICE: No, ask Karen.
BOOTH AND BRENNAN: (Together) Who's Karen?
(Cut to: Dr. Elliot's office. Booth and Brennan are talking with Karen Landrew, Dr. Elliot's assistant.)
KAREN: (Crying) I've been Dr. Elliot's assistant, receptionist, whatever, for like eight months. Murder?
BRENNAN: His remains were found in the Jefferson Memorial park.
KAREN: Oh my God, poor Seth. I don't know what'll happen to this place now.
BRENNAN: Was it doing well?
KAREN: We made barely enough to pay the rent, cover his salary, mine and... and the kid who sweeps up.
BRENNAN: So no, not very well.
KAREN: Seth didn't tell me everything, but I could sense he was under a lot of pressure. He tossed and turned all night.
BOOTH: So you slept together?
KAREN: He's divorced, I'm single. There's nothing enervating about it.
BRENNAN: Oh, for future reference, that word doesn't mean what you think.
BOOTH: Look, are you aware that Dr. Elliot had a gambling problem?
KAREN: That was Seth's one fault.
BOOTH: We'd like to talk to his bookie, if you know where he is.
KAREN: I don't think that's how Seth gambled.
BRENNAN: How did he gamble?
KAREN: Online poker, mostly.
BOOTH: Can you think of anything else?
KAREN: Well, just after I started here, Seth caught a guy stealing drugs. He-He wrestled him to the ground, called the cops. Everyone said Seth was a hero.
BRENNAN: What kind of drugs?
KAREN: Ketamine. It's an animal tranquilizer. An-and the guy went to prison. Do you think he killed Seth for revenge?
BOOTH: You know, thank you for your help. We're really sorry for your loss. Come on, Bones.
KAREN: Without Seth, I'm paralyzed. I don't know how I'll find the energy to go on.
BRENNAN: Now that is what "enervating" means.
BOOTH: Bones.
BRENNAN: What?
(They exit.)
(Cut to: Booth and Brennan driving. Brennan has a laptop open on her lap, Booth is driving.)
BRENNAN: Okay. Tucker Payne. He was found guilty of stealing drugs from Dr. Elliot's vet clinic. Sentenced to two years and he was paroled one month ago.
BOOTH: I'll have the drug thief's parole officer bring him in for questioning. Okay?
(Brennan's phone rings and she answers it.)
BRENNAN: Brennan.
(Scene cuts back and forth between the Medico-Legal lab where Cam, Starret and Hodgins are and the car where Booth and Brennan are.)
CAM: Dr. Brennan, Hodgins found saliva.
BRENNAN: (Heard over the speakerphone) Where?
CAM: On the victim.
BRENNAN: But why was Hodgins looking for saliva?
HODGINS: I wasn't looking for saliva. I found it. (Hodgins heard over the speakerphone.) Giant difference.
BOOTH: Whoa, easy pal, watch your tone.
BRENNAN: I don't care about tone, I just care about results.
(Cam holding up a finger to quiet Hodgins while she speaks.)
CAM: Dr. Hodgins was looking for particulates on the mandible and vertebrate that might lead to a murder weapon when he found saliva.
HODGINS: There was enough saliva in the wounds to run a DNA profile.
BOOTH: Well, it had to be the possum, right?
STARRET: Uh, the puncture wounds indicate something larger.
BOOTH: Hey, who's that?
HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) A fraudulent used car salesman.
CAM: Booth, meet Mr. Starret.
HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) I ran the standard eight nuclear markers for canids... BOOTH: Canids? What's that, like some kind of bug?
STARRET: Not a bug, Agent Booth.
HODGINS: Canis lupus familiaris. See how annoying that interrupting know-it-all used car salesman thing can be?
BOOTH: I'm sorry, w-what is a can-ass familiar-ass... BRENNAN: Domestic dog.
CAM: Seth Elliot was killed by a dog with filed teeth.
ACT TWO
(Cut to: Conference room in the FBI building. Booth interrogating Tucker Payne who is accompanied by his pit bull, Schatzi.)
BOOTH: Tucker Felix Payne. You really must hate your parents for naming you that.
TUCKER: It's a good name. Felix means "lucky."
BOOTH: Assault, possession of various restricted weapons, various drug offenses. You don't seem so lucky.
TUCKER: You should see the stuff they didn't get me on.
BOOTH: Was it good luck that got you taken down by a veterinarian?
TUCKER: I was so high I could have been taken down by a florist.
BOOTH: Yeah, the vet is dead. You get paroled, vet turns up murdered. You see where I'm going with this? Make your dog bark?
TUCKER: You told me to bring Schatzi so you could hear him bark?
BOOTH: Schatzi?
TUCKER: It means "treasure" in German.
BOOTH: Yeah, I want to hear Schatzi bark.
TUCKER: Gib laut!
(Schatzi barks twice.)
BOOTH: I can't see its teeth. Want to show me his teeth? (Booth takes his gun out and places it on the table. Tucker shows Booth the dog's teeth, Shatzi growls.) Why do you file its teeth down to points?
TUCKER: I'm a drug dealer. You people catch me with a gun, I go away forever.
BOOTH: Shatzi your choice of weapon?
TUCKER: Never had to use him yet. Were you really going to shoot my dog?
BOOTH: I got nothing against your dog. (Booth picks up his gun and puts it back in his holster.) I was going to shoot you. See, I'm going to take your dog. (Hands Tucker a warrant.)
TUCKER: Aww, man. You got a warrant for my dog?
BOOTH: Mm hmm.
TUCKER: That's cold.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Cam and Starret are going over results.)
STARRET: Per your instructions, I microsiled the lethal bite mark. See here? (Points to bite marks on a bloody mandible.)
CAM: An irregularity in the wound track.
STARRET: Yes. I took an impression of Shatzi's bite.
CAM: Who's Schatzi?
STARRET: (Schatzi barks in a cage behind them.) Drug dealer's dog. (Turns to the dog and points.) Sejet sch n brav! (Turns back to Cam.) He responds to German commands.
CAM: Very intimidating.
STARRET: The dog that killed Dr. Elliot has a pronounced crack in its canine tooth. And the neighboring bicuspid shows a slab fracture. Very distinct.
CAM: So Schatzi's not our killer.
STARRET: Schatzi is innocent.
(Shatzi barks again and the phone rings, Cam picks up.)
CAM: Hey, Hodgins.
(Scene cuts back and forth between the lab and the examination area where Hodgins and other FBI forensic crewmen are examining a car.)
HODGINS: City police found the vet's car. A forensics crew is going through it now. Booth wanted me to make sure they didn't screw things up. (A forensic crewman gives Hodgins a look, and Hodgins shrugs.) Hey, deal with it.
CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone) Well, I hope you find something, 'cause this puppy's innocent.
HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Yeah, well we're finding gobs of dried blood.
CAM: It's a vet's vehicle-could be from one of his patients.
STARRET: It's not.
HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Don't listen to him. You'll end up buying this blood-soaked heap for three times its value.
STARRET: I worked as a vet's assistant in college when I was studying to be and EMT. We were as careful with blood as any human doctor.
HODGINS: You ever think this vet didn't live up to your high standards?
STARRET: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Most likely, the car was used to transport the victim's body, and then dumped.
CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone.) That does make more sense.
HODGINS: I found... (the forensic crewman clears his throat and gives Hodgins a look) Excuse me. The crack FBI team found a prescription bottle of arithromyacin.
CAM: That's not an animal drug. That's a macrolide antibiotic used for a number of conditions.
STARRET: Including acne and STDs. (Cam nods and gives him a questioning look. He holds up his hands.) Four boys.
CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone) Maybe we got lucky and the bad guy dropped his prescription.
HODGINS: Bottle reads "Donald Timmons."
STARRET: (Heard over the speakerphone.) We should track him down.
HODGINS: Wow, that is an absolutely wonderful idea that could only have sprung from a time-tempered mind of a man with your life's experience ripping off unsuspecting car enthusiasts.
FBI FORENSIC CREWMAN: I feel better. You treat everyone like crap.
(Cut to: Booth and Brennan driving up to a run-down shack with lots of machinery. Two dogs are sitting outside.)
BOOTH: Wow, look at that pit, huh? Muscles like cantaloupes. (Pit bull starts barking.)
BRENNAN: (Goes for the door handle to get out of the car.) Is that why we're not getting out?
BOOTH: No, it's the country, Bones. They got a different way of doing things.
BRENNAN: You're afraid of the dog.
BOOTH: No, I'm not. What you do in the country is you sit in your car and you wait. It's rural-polite. Parker had a nightmare.
BRENNAN: About severed fingers?
BOOTH: No, it was a singing frog.
BRENNAN: I don't see the connection. But then I'm one of those people who thinks that if you dream about a banana, it's probably just a banana.
BOOTH: He's acting up in school, he's talking back to his mom, he's not flushing the toilet.
BRENNAN: He's a boy.
BOOTH: Okay, yeah. I get it. You saw a whole lady's corpse when you were a little girl, and you were fine.
BRENNAN: Yes. Although, for some reason that I do not understand, I kept staging my own death. Pretending that I drowned in the bathtub, faking electrical shock. It really freaked my parents out. And then once when Russ found me hanging he had to go see the school psychologist.
BOOTH: But otherwise you were fine?
BRENNAN: Yeah.
BOOTH: Yeah, okay. Do you dream about bananas a lot?
BRENNAN: Why? (Booth shrugs and a man comes out of the building. Brennan nods toward the man.) Can we get out of the car now?
(Booth and Brennan get out of the car.)
BOOTH: Quiet. Don Timmons?
DON: Why you just waiting in the car? Gladys wouldn't hurt you.
BOOTH: FBI Special Agent Booth. This here is my associate, Dr. Brennan.
BRENNAN: Do you know Dr. Seth Elliot?
DON: Sure I do. Went to high school with him. He's my vet. Why?
BOOTH: He was murdered.
DON: Oh, man. (He turns toward the building and shouts.) Robbie. Hey, Robbie!
ROBBIE: (Exits the building and walks toward them.) What's up?
DON: Seth died.
ROBBIE: What happened?
DON: This is the FBI, they say he got murdered. This is my boy Robbie. He used to work for Seth part-time.
BRENNAN: Can you think of a reason why Dr. Elliot's car would be full of blood?
ROBBIE: No, no. It's not like he ran an animal ambulance or something.
BOOTH: You ever ride in his car, Mr. Timmons?
DON: No, never. Why?
(Brennan brings out the prescription Hodgins found in an evidence bag and hands it to Don.)
ROBBIE: When it's bagged like that, it means it's evidence, Dad. It's not his. It's mine.
DON: Robbie.
ROBBIE: Dad, it's a murder investigation. They don't care about insurance. I'm too old to be on my dad's insurance.
BOOTH: He got the prescription under your name.
BRENNAN: But that's fraud.
DON: That's working around a system that doesn't care about people like us. Listen, I'm the father. Robbie shouldn't be held responsible.
BOOTH: How about you? You been in Dr. Elliot's car recently?
ROBBIE: Last... last time was on the weekend. We did a gelding over at Danny Oliver's place.
BRENNAN: What about Tuesday night? Where were you?
ROBBIE: I was at my tutor's. I'm trying to get my GED.
(Gladys brings a squeaky toy to Brennan and she bends down and pets her.)
BRENNAN: Hi.
DON: Robbie's going to go to medical school if it kills both of us.
ROBBIE: I was kind of thinking I'd be a vet.
DON: Yeah, well that's a good backup if you crap out on medical school.
BOOTH: We're going to need the tutor's name, address, all that stuff.
DON: It's Andrew Hopp. He'll vouch for Robbie.
BRENNAN: Gladys is a very nice animal.
ROBBIE: Yeah. Dad really trained her great.
DON: Gladys, come. Sit. Lay down. What? (Scratches at his ear and Gladys barks.)
BOOTH: Well, that's impressive.
DON: No sense in owning a dog if you can't control it.
BRENNAN: (To Booth.) Gladys teeth are not filed.
ROBBIE: What?
BOOTH: Oh, Dr. Elliot was killed by a dog with sharpened teeth.
(Brennan throws the squeaky toy.)
BOOTH: Bones, what are you doing? Enough playing with the dog.
BRENNAN: What?
ROBBIE: Seth was murdered by a dog?
BRENNAN: The murderer was a human being, the murder weapon was a dog.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT THREE
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Hodgins looking into a microscope and Sweets standing nearby once again.)
HODGINS: Back to this, are we? You staring at me?
SWEETS: Well, I have concerns, Dr. Hodgins.
HODGINS: About me?
SWEETS: Yeah, you seem to have completely abandoned your paranoid conspiracy theories.
HODGINS: I'm not a trained psychologist, like you, but that sounds like a good thing. (Picks up the phone and dials Cam.) Dr. Saroyan, I've found something important I need to show you. (Hangs up.)
SWEETS: Conspiracy was the central idea around which you organized your sense of self. Also, I can't help but note that you're not paying quite so much attention to your personal appearance.
HODGINS: Less paranoid and less vain. Again, that sounds like a good thing.
SWEETS: These kinds of changes in a man's life indicate intense distress. Would you like to discuss this with me?
HODGINS: I'd rather drive a motorcycle full speed into a bridge abutment.
SWEETS: Do you, uh... do you often entertain suicidal thoughts?
HODGINS: No, I'm more homicidal in nature.
SWEETS: Pretty sure you're not saying that in earnest, but as a way to keep me at arm's length.
(Cam enters.)
CAM: I'm here, what's up?
HODGINS: (To Sweets.) Oh, do you mind? I have work to do.
SWEETS: You need to talk about these things, Dr. Hodgins. If not with me, then with someone else. Dr. Saroyan.
(Sweets exits.)
CAM: What have you got?
HODGINS: Oh, uh, I found some particulates that the geniuses at FBI forensics missed.
CAM: From the victim's car?
HODGINS: Crushed exoskeletons of copeopods and other crustaceans.
CAM: Ah HODGINS: (After Cam's confused expression.) Yeah, I don't know what that means either.
CAM: So, you called me over here to... HODGINS: Make Sweets go away.
CAM: Not an appropriate use of your boss, Dr. Hodgins.
HODGINS: It worked, didn't it?
(Cut to: Brennan's office at the Jeffersonian. Booth and Brennan are walking into the office with Andrew Hopp.)
BOOTH: Thanks for coming into the Jeffersonian, Dr. Hopp.
HOPP: I'm not a doctor yet. I'm only a third year medical student.
BRENNAN: So, you tutor Robbie Timmons?
HOPP: Yeah, twice a week-here's a complete record of our meetings. (He pulls out a piece of paper and goes to hand it to Brenann but Booth snatches it.)
BOOTH: I'll take that. Thanks.
(Booth looks down on a small pillow with parallel stitches in it that Hopp is holding.)
BOOTH: You, do a little, uh, needlepoint on the side?
BRENNAN: It's used to practice suturing.
HOPP: Yeah, next year we use actual corpses.
BOOTH: So what is, uh, Robbie like?
HOPP: He's a good kid-I mean, he's never going to be what his dad wants, but he tries hard. (An alarm beeps on his cell.) I'm sorry, I have to run. I got a class.
(They begin walking out of the office, following Hopp.)
BOOTH: Did you ever meet Dr. Elliot?
HOPP: The vet that Robbie worked for? The one who got murdered? Yeah.
BOOTH: I take it you didn't like him, huh?
HOPP: Uh, I was raised not to speak ill of the dead.
BOOTH: Yeah, well I was raised to ask questions like that, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
HOPP: (Sighs.) I met him maybe twice, and I'm pretty sure he was tweaking.
BRENNAN: W-what's that?
BOOTH: He was a meth addict.
HOPP: I'm just not sure Seth Elliot was the best role model for...for Robbie Timmons, that's all.
BRENNAN: Did Robbie Timmons' father know?
HOPP: No way, Old Don's a pretty straight arrow. Robbie's his main project, so... BOOTH: Well, thanks for coming in.
HOPP: Hey, thanks for letting me see this place. It's legendary.
(Hopp exits.)
(Cut to: Angela's office. Angela is at her computer and Booth and Brennan are standing behind her looking over her shoulders.)
BOOTH: It's dogfighting.
ANGELA: (Scrolling through pictures of various dogs fighting.) I hate this job, so I'm quitting to go run a gallery in Dubai.
BRENNAN: Oh, it's just disgusting.
ANGELA: Yeah, we got the subpoena to download Dr. Elliot's PDA records from the server.
BOOTH: These were on his PDA?
ANGELA: Time-stamped the day of his death.
BRENNAN: (Pointing to a picture.) Fighting pit, spectators. A rape stand used to restrain uncooperative females. The smaller cages are for bait-small animals used as rewards for the winners.
BOOTH: They teach you that in anthropology school?
BRENNAN: Pitting animals against each other is a common pastime in evolving cultures where violence is more commonplace and animal life has no value.
ANGELA: To men. No value to men.
BRENNAN: Yes, it's always men.
BOOTH: Here we go again. Okay, you two don't get all, you know, Xena: Princess Warrior on me, okay? I guess we know now where Elliot liked to do his gambling.
BRENNAN: Wait, Ange, go back. (Points to an area on the picture on the screen.) Right there, can you magnify that?
ANGELA: What, that blob?
BRENNAN: There's something familiar. That's Glady's ball.
ANGELA: Who's Gladys?
BOOTH: Could be enough for me to get a warrant if the judge had a glass of wine or two at lunch.
ANGELA: Dubai, people. I'm going to go sell Inuit art to gazillionaires.
(Cut to: FBI Building. Sweets is on the computer, typing when there's a knock and Booth enters towing Parker behind him.)
BOOTH: Hey, Sweets. You got a minute for me and Parker here?
SWEETS: Wow, there you are, actually right here in my office without an appointment or... Hi, Parker. I'm Dr. Sweets.
PARKER: His face doesn't look like a baby's behind.
BOOTH: (Covers Parker's ears with his hands.) Look, okay, he's having nightmares. He's uh, not eating. He doesn't want to go to school and suddenly, he's afraid of meteors.
SWEETS: Giant flaming rocks from outer space. Who wouldn't be afraid?
PARKER: You know I can still hear you.
BOOTH: Okay, hum, hum, okay, got it? Hum. (Parker starts humming.) I know all this is connected to him finding that finger.
SWEETS: I'm not some radio advice hack who performs diagnoses over the phone.
BOOTH: This is exactly why I brought him here in person-cure him.
SWEETS: No. It doesn't really work that way. Therapy with a child is... PARKER: (As Booth lets go of him.) Ah, I thought I was going to run out of breath.
BOOTH: Yeah, I'm going to run out of breath when I run upstairs to get that warrant from that senile judge. Ten, fifteen minutes? Is that good enough time? Okay, see you! Bye, have fun!
(While Sweets shakes his head Booth runs out of the office and shuts the door behind him)
PARKER: (Sits down on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.) Are you my babysitter?
SWEETS: (Sits down across from Parker.) Parker. That is exactly what I am.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Cam and Hodgins walking through the lab to a workstation.)
CAM: The judge said no. Glady's ball wasn't enough for a warrant.
HODGINS: Why?
CAM: Because over two million of them were sold last year.
HODGINS: Well, we did our best. Next case.
CAM: We need evidence that the Timmons' place was used for dogfighting.
HODGINS: Alright, well, I found crustaceous material in the victim's car. It's an antifungal treatment used on Astroturf.
CAM: That doesn't link us with dogfighting, either.
ANGELA: (Approaches and nods.) Yeah, it does.
(Cut to: Angela's office. Scrolling through more pictures of dogfighting.)
ANGELA: Ick. (Next picture.) Ew. (Next picture.) Blugh. (Next picture.) Alright, here we go. Brennan said that this was the dogfighting ring. (Magnifies a picture of the ground.)
HODGINS: So, it's Astroturf.
CAM: If this Astroturf cleaning stuff was delivered to the Timmons' place, that should get us a warrant.
HODGINS: (To Angela.) You're a genius.
ANGELA: No, you're the genius. (Awkward silence ensues. Then Cam and Hodgins exit.)
(Cut to: Timmons' place. Booth exits the SUV and starts rattling off instructions as he heads back to greet Mr. Cesar Millan.)
BOOTH: Okay, people, what we're looking for is evidence of a dogfighting operation. Mr. Millan, thank you so much for coming.
CESAR: I hope I can help.
BRENNAN: I've seen you on TV.
CESAR: Thank you.
BRENNAN: No, I only stated a fact-there's nothing inherently complimentary about being on television.
BOOTH: She's happy you're here, and so am I.
DON: (Exits the building looking angry.) What the hell's going on here?
BOOTH: (Hands an agent the warrant.) You know what? Serve him this warrant, tell them we're looking for Astroturf.
BRENNAN: So, where do we look first?
BOOTH: Start with the larger outbuildings. C'mon.
(Cut to: Cesar, Booth and Brennan walking around the buildings.)
CESAR: You don't hurt the ones you love. You don't send the ones you love to their death for entertainment.
(Brennan stops and looks into a holding pen.)
BOOTH: You must really hate these guys.
CESAR: I really do.
BOOTH: (Watching Brennan as she steps into the pen and looks at freshly turned dirt.) What is it?
BRENNAN: He said that the dogs fight to their death. So we should have expected this. (Dog bones are sticking out of the soil.) It's a mass grave. These seem to be all dog bones, but there's other stuff too; some trash, betting slips.
BOOTH: We'll send it all back to the Jeffersonian. See if we can trace the betting slips. Find these people and charge them.
BRENNAN: Yes, that would make me feel a bit better if we did that.
CESAR: (Calling from inside a nearby building.) Agent Booth, we found something.
(Cut to: Cesar, Booth and Brennan walking inside the building, looking around.)
BOOTH: Yep, dogfighting ring. The Astroturf.
BRENNAN: It's just like the pictures on Elliot's PDA.
BOOTH: Find any dogs?
CESAR: Yes, quite a few in fact.
(Cesar opens a door to reveal several dogs chained up on the other side. They all stand up and start barking at them.)
CESAR: Shhht. Hey. Shhht. (Snaps his fingers and motions them down.) Shhhh. Down. (The dogs all lie down.)
BRENNAN: How does he do that?
BOOTH: He's the dog whisperer. (Booth snaps and tries to imitate the sound Cesar makes.)
BRENNAN: You didn't do anything.
(Cut to: FBI Building interrogation room. Booth is questioning Don Timmons.)
BOOTH: Dogfighting ring, the remains of a dozen dead dogs. And you're gonna tell me all that happened a hundred yards from your house and you had no idea what was going on?
DON: I never go to the barn. I, uh, I rent it out. (Pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Booth.)
BOOTH: (Stares at Don for a minute before picking up the paper and reading it. Scoffs.) Numbered company. Don't tell me. They pay cash and you never met the tenant.
DON: That's right. As far as I know, they use it for storage.
BOOTH: How involved was Dr. Elliot.
DON: I have no idea what you're talking about.
BOOTH: He owe you money, or maybe you just wanted a bigger cut.
DON: Let me go, or get me my lawyer.
BOOTH: Whatever happened, you know what? Four days ago, you snapped. You had one of your trained dogs attack him.
DON: Four days ago? I'm a driller, Agent Booth. I dig wells mostly, some pylon holes. Four days ago I was at an auger seminar in Chicago.
BOOTH: Can you corroborate that?
DON: Airplane tickets, hotel receipts, about sixty eyewitnesses. See, I'm kind of the life of the party at those things. I know how to organize a good time.
BOOTH: Just like you know how to organize a dogfighting ring.
DON: I don't know anything about what goes on down at that barn.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Dogs are everywhere contained in cages. Cesar and Brennan are looking at the dogs.)
CESAR: Hey, stop that now.
BRENNAN: Could I see your teeth please?
CESAR: That's not how you do it. (Motions down with his hand.) Shht. Down. (Opens the cage door.) Down. (Takes the dog by the head and lifts his lip so that Brennan can compare a molding to its teeth.)
BRENNAN: No, it's not a match.
CESAR: That mold you made, it's like Cinderella's slipper.
BRENNAN: That story never made sense to me, but yes.
(Another dog starts barking at Brennan.)
BRENNAN: Hey, stop that now. (Tries to make the same noises as Cesar to calm the dog.)
CESAR: It's not as easy as it looks. Shht. Down.
(They open the cage door and compare the mold to the dog's tooth.)
BRENNAN: It's a match.
CESAR: Are you positive?
BRENNAN: This is the killer dog, yes.
CESAR: I'm sorry, buddy. (Pets the dog.) So sorry, buddy.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Hodgins and Starret are sifting through evidence on an exam table.)
STARRET: Should I be looking out for anything in particular?
HODGINS: Yeah, flashy crap you can sell to a gullible kid.
STARRET: I didn't sell you that car, you bought it. You saw those horizontal scallops and you just had to have it. I suggested that you look under the hood, but all you did was sit behind the wheel and make vroom-vroom noises.
HODGINS: I was twenty years old.
STARRET: All these years later you're still blaming me? You're not twenty anymore, Dr. Hodgins, so cut it out.
HODGINS: You know...(Long pause as he gets angry, then realizes his mistake.) I'm sorry. I just... (Puts his head in his hands.) I've just been having a lot of problems recently.
STARRET: I'm sorry to hear that.
HODGINS: My best friend who used to work here with me, he got himself into a lot of trouble. I really miss the guy.
STARRET: Dr. Hodgins... HODGINS: You know Angela? She and I, we were engaged to be married, and well, that went south too.
STARRET: That's a lot to bear... especially if you feel responsible.
HODGINS: Yeah, I do. I do feel responsible.
STARRET: You shouldn't be talking to me.
HODGINS: Of course not, I'm sorry.
STARRET: What I mean is; I'm not the right person for you to confide in. This is my last day here. I leave for a dig in Arizona tomorrow.
HODGINS: Oh.
STARRET: There are people around here to seem to like you very much. People who are concerned with your happiness. (He roots around in the evidence and brings out a small microchip.) What's this?
HODGINS: It's a computer chip. Pet owners have them embedded in their animals in case of theft or loss. But, you knew that. Didn't you?
(Cut to: Sweet's office. He's laying on the couch reading a magazine when Booth enters.)
BOOTH: I got a message that you have something to tell me about Parker.
SWEETS: Uh,yeah, yeah. Uh, you were right. Parker is traumatized. (Booth looks dejected and flops into a chair with a sigh.) Uh, it has nothing to do with the finger in the nest.
BOOTH: Huh?
SWEETS: Um, he has a girl problem.
BOOTH: Girl? He's six.
SWEETS: Uh huh. The girl, her name is Stephanie Clyde. She's somewhat large. Likes to pick him up and carry him around.
BOOTH: Carry him under her arm?
SWEETS: Like a pet monkey. He doesn't know what to do. He says you told him never to hit girls.
BOOTH: I told him never to hit anyone. You know, unless it was for self defense. She, uh, carries him around?
SWEETS: Like a monkey. At recess. She thinks he's cute.
BOOTH: What about the finger?
SWEETS: Parker actually wishes that you'd let him have the finger. So he could show it to Stephanie and maybe make her barf.
BOOTH: Why doesn't he just run away?
SWEETS: Well, when I suggested that, he told me very proudly that his father never ran away from anything.
BOOTH: (Laughs.) Proudly? He said that?
SWEETS: I think you know what to do. I mean, we've all had our Stephanie Clydes, right?
BOOTH: No one's ever carried me around like a monkey, especially a girl.
SWEETS: Of course not, me neither.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Cam examining the dog that had the matching tooth, revealing a wound.)
CAM: This is exactly where the microchip would be embedded.
(Starret takes the serial number off the microchip and it loads in the computer.)
STARRET: Ten digits.
HODGINS: The FBI can use it to track down Ripley's owner.
CAM: If it's his microchip.
(Cut to: Dr. Elliot's office. Booth and Brennan hand Karen Landrew a case file.)
KAREN: Ripley?
BRENNAN: According to the American Veterinary Identification Device database, his owners brought him here.
BOOTH: To be put to sleep.
KAREN: It's true. You know why?
BOOTH: Why?
KAREN: Because they didn't know when they bought him that he'd get so big.
BRENNAN: You didn't euthanize Ripley.
KAREN: Seth couldn't do it. The dog was completely healthy. Instead he found Ripley a new home.
BOOTH: Where?
KAREN: That, I don't know.
BRENNAN: Ripley ended up at a dogfighting facility run by Don Timmons.
KAREN: No. Seth devoted his life to saving dogs. He simply wouldn't do that. Not on purpose.
ACT FOUR
(Cut to: Brennan's office. She's sitting on the couch looking at her computer with Ripley when Booth enters.)
BOOTH: Hey, Bones. Don Timmons' alibi checked out. He was in Chicago... (Trails off when he sees Ripley.) Whoa, what are you doing?
BRENNAN: I'm just going through the case to see if I missed anything.
BOOTH: Uh, the dog should be, you know, in the cage. He killed Seth Elliot.
BRENNAN: It's not his fault. He's actually a very nice dog, aren't you? He reminds me of you.
BOOTH: Me?
BRENNAN: He's got warm and reassuring brown eyes, and he's capable of great violence.
BOOTH: Hey, great. Thanks a million. (Starts to walk out.)
BRENNAN: Wait, Booth, look at this cruelty. They send dogs into fight, to die or be hurt, and then they stitch them back up and they send them out to fight again. You know, we've been assuming that it's been Seth Elliot doctoring these dogs.
BOOTH: Well, he was a vet.
BRENNAN: But look... (magnifies a picture of a stitched wound) common suture stitch. See here how it's uneven in the same way, and then there's an "x" at the end?
BOOTH: So?
BRENNAN: It's distinctive. And I've seen it before.
(Cut to: Barn where the dogfighting took place. Booth and Brennan are comparing the pillow Hopp used to practice his stitches with the photograph of the stitched wound. Don, Hopp and Robbie are standing nearby.)
BRENNAN: Common suture, uneven..."x" at the end. Same thing. It's like a fingerprint.
BOOTH: (To Hopp.) The thread is green nylon. You'd better believe we'll match it.
HOPP: Stitching up wounded animals isn't a crime.
ROBBIE: What's going on?
HOPP: Just everybody shut up, and we'll be fine.
(Cesar enters with Ripley on a leash.)
BOOTH: Everyone, this is Ripley.
BRENNAN: He killed Dr.Elliot.
DON: None of us ever saw that dog before.
BRENNAN: Well, we can tie Andy here to all of these wounded animals and to Ripley.
ROBBIE: Is that that guy from TV who talks to dogs.
CESAR: Yes.
BOOTH: You see, we want to know who sicced Ripley here on Seth Elliot.
BRENNAN: We don't need you. We know you were in Chicago.
CESAR: (To Robbie.) Would you mind clapping, like this? (Claps twice.)
HOPP: No we won't do that.
DON: Do it Robbie.
ROBBIE: What?
DON: You're not his master, do it.
(Robbie claps twice and there is no reaction from Ripley.)
CESAR: It's not him.
(Booth walks behind Hopp and claps twice. Ripley comes running and sits at Hopp's feet.)
BOOTH: Look at that.
BRENNAN: He's waiting for your command.
HOPP: May... maybe my dog killed Dr. Elliot, but that doesn't mean I made him do it.
DON: Ripley's a good dog. He wouldn't attack unless he was ordered. (To Robbie.) Tell these people what you know about Seth Elliot.
HOPP: Robbie... ROBBIE: I-I saw it. Andy told Ripley to attack because he saw Dr. Elliot taking pictures of the dogfighting.
(Cut to: Sweet's office. Sweets is sitting across from Hodgins.)
HODGINS: I don't know how to do this.
SWEETS: Mostly you just tell me what's on your mind.
HODGINS: Mostly on my mind is I hate everyone.
SWEETS: Everyone?
HODGINS: To varying degress, but, um... yeah, yeah everyone. (Shrugs.) Angela...the most. Because we, you know, had something great, uh, and now it's dirt, Zack...for being such an idiot, Brennan for bringing us all together, Cam for making us efficient, Booth for giving us a mission, you for pick, pick, picking at me... Should I go on?
SWEETS: No, no. I get the point.
HODGINS: I just hate everyone. So, what? Intense therapy, heavy medication?
SWEETS: Nah. I'm good with the hate.
HODGINS: Are you serious?
SWEETS: Yeah, I am. You're doing fine.
HODGINS: Um... I hate everyone.
SWEETS: You're coping. It's a coping technique. Coping's good.
HODGINS: Did you get your degree on the internet? Let me see your diploma.
SWEETS: You're working. You're living a life of purpose. You haven't turned your back on your friends.
HODGINS: Except I hate them all.
SWEETS: You're independently wealthy, right? You don't have to work. And yet you choose to stay with the people you hate.
HODGINS: Which makes me completely nuts.
SWEETS: No, you've... you've replaced one way of seeing the world-paranoia-with another: misanthropy. Soon you'll replace misanthropy with something nicer. But for now, temporarily, I'm satisfied with your coping technique.
HODGINS: My coping technique of hate?
SWEETS: Correct.
HODGINS: So... are you, like, my therapist now, or... SWEETS: No, we work together.
HODGINS: (Stands.) Great, see you at work.
(Hodgins exits.)
(Cut to: Booth's office. Brennan walks in to find Booth sitting at his desk.)
BRENNAN: Hey.
BOOTH: Hey. Robbie Timmons gave a statement. Andrew Hopp set the dog on Seth Elliot. Apparently Elliot was furious when he found out the dog he'd given to Timmons was used in dogfighting.
BRENNAN: Dr. Elliot took all those photos to turn into the police.
BOOTH: Andrew Hopp would have lost his main source of income. He would have been forced to leave medical school.
BRENNAN: What about the rest of the people in the dogfighting ring?
BOOTH: Don't worry about it. We'll round 'em up. (Looks at the bag Brennan has in her hand.) So, what do you got there?
BRENNAN: (Takes a collar and leash out of the bag.) Well, I've decided to adopt Ripley.
BOOT: Bones... BRENNAN: I've already contacted a dog walker and a doggie day care place, and my dad will take him when I leave town. I got a little tag. See? Ripley Brennan.
BOOTH: He was put down.
BRENNAN: What?
BOOTH: I'm sorry. You know, he killed someone and they had to put him down.
BRENNAN: It wasn't Ripley's fault. People made him do what he did.
BOOTH: I know. I'm sorry.
BRENNAN: You can tell he's a good-natured dog. They put him down?
BOOTH: Yeah.
BRENNAN: Damn it.
BOOTH: Bones, I'm sorry.
BRENNAN: What are they going to do with his remains?
(Cut to: Booth and Brennan in a copse of trees. Booth is putting dirt into a hole in the ground.)
BRENNAN: Hey, Booth? Can I do that?
BOOTH: You sure?
BRENNAN: Yeah, you dug it. (Brennan takes the shovel and begins putting the dirt in the grave.)
BOOTH: Yeah.
BRENNAN: So did Sweets help you with Parker?
BOOTH: Yeah. I told Parker that it's best to just walk away sometimes.
BRENNAN: What, sometimes? Isn't it always better to walk away? You know, this dog would still be alive if he wasn't forced to fight.
BOOTH: I told him to walk away if it's for himself, and to stand up and fight if it's for someone else. I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but... BRENNAN: You're a very good father. (She finishes with the dirt and sighs.)
BOOTH: So, did you want to say something?
BRENNAN: Well... I feel that this dog, Ripley, paid a price that was unfair.
BOOTH: It's not my fault, Bones, why're you talking to me?
BRENNAN: What? You're the only one here.
BOOTH: Talk to the universe... or God or Ripley.
BRENNAN: Well, I don't believe in God.
BOOTH: Well, God spelled backwards is "dog".
BRENNAN: And Ripley is dead. Plus he's a dog, with, you know... limited vocabulary skills.
BOOTH: Bones, just... speak from your heart.
BRENNAN: On behalf of humankind, universe, I'd like to apologize for what happened to Ripley. He was born a cute little puppy and then the people who adopted him wanted to kill him because they were too stupid to realize that he would grow into a big dog.
BOOTH: That's good.
BRENNAN: (Choking up.) Ripley was a good dog. He didn't wanna fight. But he did it to please his master. Y'know, he didn't want to attack a human being, but he did it to please his master. You know, it wasn't Ripley's fault that his master was cruel and selfish. Like all dogs, Ripley only saw the good in people. Dogs are like that. People should take a lesson.
(Brennan takes the dog tag out of her pocket and presses it into the soil over the grave. She then begins to press the dirt down on the grave.)
BRENNAN: Is that enough?
BOOTH: Yeah. As much as any good dog...(reaches out to touch her shoulder) hey, could hope for. Even with limited vocabulary skills, okay?
(Brennan starts to tear up. Booth wraps his arm around her and she leans into him.)


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Why?
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: You got it.
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]
Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
(Phoebe laughs.)
Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Yum-my!
Monica: Larry?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door...)
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Monica: Hmm?
Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try...
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
(Danny enters.)
Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny: (To them) Hey!
Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel: Yeah.
Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party.
Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
Rachel: Exactly.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.]
Joey: Ross?
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't-I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
Joey: Hey, all right!
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]
Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
Phoebe: Shiny.
Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!
Phoebe: Why?!
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)
Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
Joey: (smiles) Kinda.
Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!
Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]
Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?
Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.
Danny: Really! You-you sail?
Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.
Monica: Okay.
Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)
Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.]
Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)
Joey: Sorry.
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh...
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
(They go into his bedroom.)
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been p0rn?
Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!
Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
Chandler: Okay.
(They start playing.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no!
Joey: YES!!
Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.
Joey: Um-hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Monica: I don't know, clean places?
Joey: Umm, yum!
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!
Monica: The fake kind!
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: Okay, great!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.]
Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?
Ross: I'll take sports.
Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)
Ross: All right. Uhh, international.
Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page 7?
Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're-hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is.
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)
Ross: Okay, let's go.
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: There we go!
Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker.
Joey: Yeah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]
Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
Joey: Yeah.
(He looks at them.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: Oh, it's perfect!
Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.
(He exits.)
Chandler: We are bad people.
Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]
Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.
Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That-this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!
Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Joey: Yeah!
(Pause.)
Chandler: What are we gonna do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!
Joey: Oh! Oh!
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
Chandler: Ohhhhh!
(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]
Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!
Monica: Just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
(Monica obeys.)
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey! What's going on?
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Danny: Salad.
Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)
Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
Danny: Hey! Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)
Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?
Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?
Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!
Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?
Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."
(He walks off.)
Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
Rachel: Yeah!
(They go get a drink.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]
Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!
Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)
(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)
Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!
(Ross enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.
Joey: You're kidding!
Chandler: You're kidding, no!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So...
Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!
Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Are you guys sure about this?
Joey: Definitely!
Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross: All right.
Joey: All right!
Chandler: All right, buddy!
Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).
(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
(Chandler does so.)