[Salvatore's House]
(Elena is lying in the cell and starting to desiccate. Damon and Stefan are upstairs)
Damon: That's the calmest desiccating vampire I've ever seen. I remember when you starved me down there for 3 days. I would've wept at your feet for an orange peel
Stefan: Look, she's not gonna beg for blood. Begging means desperation. Emotion. She's still in no-humanity zone
Damon: How hungry does she have to be before we can torture some feelings back into her?
Stefan: A lot hungrier than she is now, apparently
Damon: So, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?
(Katherine enters)
Katherine: Maybe I can provide a little excitement
Stefan: Katherine
Katherine: The one and only. Sort of. So, when's the welcome home party?
Damon: Wow. Look who went and got bold. Last time I checked, Klaus was plotting your eternal demise
Katherine: Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because Klaus is gone
Stefan: Wait. What do you mean he's gone?
Katherine: Let's just say that werewolf girl Hayley turned out to be just the thing we needed to get Klaus out of our lives for good
[New Orleans]
(Haley is at a bar. She looks at the bartender)
Bartender: Third time in here this week
Haley: I'm obsessed with The Gumbo, Jane-Anne
Jane-Anne: The old ladies in the ninth ward say my sister Sophie bleeds a piece of her soul into every dish
Haley: I asked around the quarter about my family
Jane-Anne: And?
Haley: Nothing. Zero. Can't find a single person who remembers them
Jane-Anne: Because, Hayley, people like you were run out of here years ago
Haley: What do you mean, people like me?
Jane-Anne: In the Bayou, they call the werewolves Roux-Ga-Roux. You head out there; you'll find what you're looking for. Be careful. It's the last place you'd ever want to go
(Jane-Anne and Sophie are in a cemetery)
Sophie: Don't do it. Please. What if I'm wrong about her?
Jane-Anne: That's the beauty of you. You're never wrong. She's the only way we're gonna get to Klaus
Sophie: Can we get someone else to do the spell?
Jane-Anne: Who? Half the witches don't believe you. The other half are too scared
Sophie: Because they know we're gonna get caught, Jane-Anne
Jane-Anne: We don't have any other option. Now go. You know what you need to do
(Haley arrives at the bayou and has a problem with her car)
Haley: What the... uhh! Are you kidding me?
(She gets out of the car and takes her phone)
Haley: Hey, I'm looking for a tow service
(A tour guide is leading a bunch of tourists)
Tour Guide: Welcome to the dark side of New Orleans, a supernatural playground where the living are easily lost and the dead stick around and play
(Klaus smiles)
Mystic Falls
[Rebekah's House]
Rebekah: New Orleans? What the hell is Klaus doing there?
Elijah: Evidently, there are witches conspiring against him. So, knowing our brother, this was a mission to silence and slaughter
Rebekah: Well, the French quarter witches are not a lot to be trifled with. You don't suppose they've found a way to kill him once and for all, do you?
Elijah: Rebekah, in the name of our family, you might try to dial down your glee
Rebekah: What family? We are 3 distrustful acquaintances who happen to share a bloodline. I for one hope they've found a way to make that traitorous b*st*rd rot
[New Orleans]
(Klaus sees a woman and goes to her)
Klaus: Good afternoon. Time for one more?
Woman: I have nothing to say to you
Klaus: Oh, now, that's not very amiable, is it? You don't even know me
Woman: I know what you are. Half-vampire, half-beast. You're the hybrid
Klaus: I'm the original hybrid, actually, but that's a long story for another time
Mystic Falls
[Rebekah's House]
Rebekah: Where are you going?
Elijah: To find out who's making a move against our brother, and then... I'll either stop them, or I'll help them. Depending on my mood
(He leaves)
[New Orleans]
Klaus: I'm looking for someone. A witch. Perhaps you might be able to help me find her. Jane-Anne Deveraux
Woman: Sorry. I don't know
Klaus: Well, now, that's a fib, isn't it? Now, you see... I know that you're a true witch amongst this sea of poseurs. So, enough with the fabrications. I've quite a temper
Woman: Witches don't talk Outta School in the quarter. The vampire won't allow it. Those are the rules. I don't break Marcel's rules
Klaus: Marcel's rules? Where do you suppose I might find Marcel?
(Marcel is singing in a bar. When he stops, he goes to the bar and sees Klaus)
Marcel: Klaus
Klaus: Marcel
Marcel: Must be 100 years since that nasty business with your papa
Klaus: Has it been that long?
Marcel: Way I recall it, he ran you out of town. Left a trail of dead vampires in his wake
Klaus: And yet how fortunate you managed to survive. My father, I'm afraid, I recently incinerated to dust
Marcel: Well, if I'd known you were coming back in town, if I had a heads-up...
Klaus: What, Marcel? What would you have done?
Marcel: I'd have thrown you a damn parade. Niklaus Mikaelson. My mentor, my savior, my sire. Let's get you a drink. It is good to see you
Klaus: It's good to be home. Although please tell me the current state of bourbon street is not your doing
Marcel: Ha ha ha ha! Something's gotta draw in the out-of-towners; otherwise, we'd all go hungry
Klaus: I see your friends are daywalkers
Marcel: Yeah, yeah, I shared the secret of your daylight ring with a few buddies. Just the inner circle, though. The family
Klaus: Tell me. How did you find a witch willing to make daylight rings?
Marcel: I got the witches here wrapped around my finger
Klaus: Is that so? I'm looking for a witch by the name of Jane-Anne Deveraux. Has some business with me
Marcel: Looking for Jane-Anne? Then you probably ought to come with me. Ha ha! Showtime!
(Marcel and Klaus are outside. A crowd gathers)
Marcel: How's the family?
Klaus: Those who live hate me more than ever
Marcel: Forget them. If your blood relations let you down, you make your own, huh? You taught me that. And what's mine is yours, as always. Even my nightwalkers, the riff-raff
Klaus: They're hardly subtle, are they?
Marcel: It's the quarter. Ain't no such thing as subtle, baby
(Marcel's mignons bring Jane-Anne)
Marcel: Jane-Anne Deveraux. Give it up for Jane-Anne. Come on. Jane-Anne Deveraux, you have been accused of the practice of witchcraft beyond the bounds of the rules set forth and enforced by me. How do you plead? Oh. Was that convincing? I studied law back in the fifties. It's all I know. Seriously, J, tick tock. You know the drill. How do you plead?
Jane-Anne: I didn't do anything
Marcel: That's a lie. You know it, I know it, and you hate that I know it. It drives you witches crazy that I'm aware of your every move. That you can't do magic in this town without getting caught. So, why don't we just cut to the chase, huh? You tell me what magic you're brewing. Tell me. I'll grant you leniency. Hey, I am, after all, a merciful man
Jane-Anne: Rot in hell, monster
Marcel: I'll tell you what. I'll give you one more chance. Or not
(He kills her. Klaus rejoins him)
Klaus: What was that?
Marcel: Hey. Come walk with me. Witches aren't allowed to do magic here. She broke the rules
Klaus: I told you I wanted to talk to her
Marcel: Hey, I'm sorry. I got caught up in the show. Those witches, they think that they still have power in this town. I have to show them that they don't. I never waste an opportunity for a show of force. Another lesson that I learned from you. And besides, anything that you could've gotten out of her, I can find out for you, and I will. I promise
Klaus: Well, whatever it was, doesn't matter anymore, does it?
Marcel: Good. Then let's eat, because all that spilled blood makes me hungry
(He leaves. Klaus talks to one of Marcel's minions)
Klaus: Hey. Thierry, isn't it? Any more Deveraux witches where she came from?
(Sophie is cooking. She turns herself. Klaus is here)
Sophie: You're Klaus
Klaus: I am. And you're upset. Sophie, isn't it? I assume this is because of what I just witnessed with your sister on the corner of Royal and St. Ann
Sophie: Did you enjoy the show?
Klaus: It was a little melodramatic for my tastes. What did your sister want with me? Why did Marcel kill her?
Sophie: I see you brought friends
Klaus: They're not with me
Sophie: They're with Marcel. That's all that matters. I know you built this town, but this is his town now. He killed my sister because she broke the rules. So, I talk to you in front of them, I'm next
(He rejoins the 2 men at the bar)
Klaus: Are you two gentlemen following me?
Man: Marcel said we're your guides
Klaus: Oh, he did, did he? Well, then, let me be exceedingly clear about something. If either of you following me again, you'll do so without the benefit of a spine
(The waitress rejoins them)
Camille: Sorry for the wait. If you're here for the gumbo, I'm about to break your heart. We just ran out
Klaus: Your oldest scotch for my two friends here, love. Marcel wants to know what I'm up to, he can ask me himself
(Sophie is outside, alone. She hears a door close and the men who were inside are here)
Sophie: The doors work, you know
Man: You doing magic?
Sophie: I'm praying to my dead sister. Go ahead. Pay your respects
Man:. Don't make this a thing, Sophie. The hybrid was looking for Jane-Anne. Marcel wants to know why
Sophie: Oh, that sounds like witch business. I'd say ask her yourself, but I guess you can't seeing as how Marcel killed her
(They're about to kill her but Elijah intervenes and kills them)
Elijah: I'm Elijah. You've heard of me?
Sophie: Yes
Elijah: So, why don't you tell me what business your family has with my brother?
(Klaus arrives at a party, looking for Marcel. He catches one of his men)
Klaus: Where's Marcel?
Man: Who the hell's asking?
Klaus: I assume you're joking
Man: I only answer to Marcel
Klaus: Well, then, in that case, perhaps you'll answer to this. You're aware the bite of a werewolf can kill a vampire? Well, as you can see, I'm half-werewolf, so I'm gonna ask you one more time! Where is Marcel?
(Marcel arrives)
Marcel: H-hey. I'm right here. I'm right here. Easy, now. Diego's just looking out for me. Nobody harms my
guys. Those are the rules
Klaus: I don't care about your rules, Marcel. I don't need chaperones. Why are you having me followed?
Marcel: Come here. I get it, huh? Show of force. You made your point. Let it go, friend. For me
Klaus: Fine. Why don't you show me what you've done with the place while you explain exactly what it is you've been up to in my town?
Marcel: Follow me
(Marcel and Klaus are on a balcony)
Marcel: Look at that skyline. That there, that's progress. More hotels, more tourists, more fresh blood. And the humans? I taught them to look the other way
Klaus: And what of the witches? In my time, they were a force to be reckoned with, and now they live in fear. How do you know when they're using magic?
Marcel: Maybe I got a secret weapon, an ace up my sleeve, something that gives me complete control over all the magic in this town
Klaus: Hmm. Is that a fact?
Marcel: Might be. Or maybe I'm just bluffing
(He eats something)
Klaus: You take vervain?
Marcel: 'Burns like a bitch. But I figure I should limit the number of things I'm vulnerable to. Don't be mad about that chaperone thing. I told my guys to look out for you, that's all. That's what we do here... Look out for each other
(They see Camille walking alone)
Marcel: Mmmmm. New blood
Klaus: The bartender, walking alone at night. She's either brave or dumb
Marcel: Let's see. Brave, I let her live, Let's see. Brave, I let her live, dumb, she's dessert
(He jumps above the balcony and lands behind Camille)
Marcel: You know, it's not safe here alone
Camille: You know, I have a black belt in karate
(Klaus looks at them. Elijah's here)
Klaus: Evening, Elijah
Elijah: Niklaus
Klaus: What an entirely unwelcome surprise
Elijah: And what an entirely unsurprising welcome. Come with me
Klaus: I'm not going anywhere. Not until I find out who's conspiring against me
Elijah: I believe I just found that out for you
(Klaus and Elijah are in a cemetery)
Klaus: What are we doing here?
Elijah: Want to know what the witches have in store for you? Follow me
(They enter a crypt. Sophie is waiting for them)
Klaus: Sophie Deveraux. What is this?
Elijah: He's all yours. Proceed
Sophie: You know you're famous in this town? Witches tell bedtime stories about the powerful vampire Klaus. We know Marcel was nothing but an orphaned street rat until you made him what he is. And now he's out of control. He does what he wants. He kills who he wants. I'm gonna stop him... And you're gonna help me
(Klaus looks at Elijah)
Klaus: This is why you brought me here
Elijah: Hear her out
Klaus: I don't need to hear her out. I assure you, love, there is not a thing on this earth that will matter enough for me to waste even 30 more seconds of my time
Klaus: Elijah, what madness is this?
(Haley enters)
Haley: Klaus... You need to listen to them
Klaus: You're all out of your minds if you think some liquor-fueled one-night stand... No offense, sweetheart... Means a thing to me
Sophie: Marcel may be able to keep us from practicing real magic in this town, but as keepers of the balance, we still know when nature has cooked up something new. For example, I have a special gift, of sensing when a girl is pregnant
Klaus: What?
Haley: I know. It's impossible
Klaus: What are you saying?
Elijah: Niklaus... The girl is carrying your child
Klaus: No. It's impossible. Vampires cannot procreate
Sophie: But werewolves can. Magic made you a vampire, but you were born a werewolf. You're the original hybrid, the first of your kind, and this pregnancy is one of nature's loopholes
Klaus: You've been with someone else. Admit it!
Haley: Hey. I spent days held captive in a freakin' alligator bayou because they think that I'm carrying some magical miracle baby. Don't you think I would've fessed up if it wasn't yours?
Sophie: My sister gave her life to perform the spell she needed to confirm this pregnancy. Because of Jane-Anne's sacrifice, the lives of this girl and her baby are now controlled by us. If you don't help us take down Marcel, so help me, Hayley won't live long enough to see her first maternity dress
Haley: Wait, what?
Elijah: Enough of this, if you want Marcel dead, he's dead. I'll do it myself
Sophie: No. We can't. Not yet. We have a clear plan that we need to follow and there are rules
Klaus: How dare you command me? Threaten me with what you wrongfully perceive to be my weaknesses? I won't hear any more lies
Elijah: Niklaus. Listen
(They hear the baby's heartbeat)
Klaus: Kill her and the baby. What do I care?
(He leaves)
(Elijah rejoins Klaus)
Elijah: Niklaus
Klaus: it's a trick, Elijah
Elijah: No, brother. It's a gift. It's your chance. It's our chance
Klaus: To what?
Elijah: To start over. Take back everything we lost. Everything that was taken from us. Niklaus, our own parents came to despise us. Our family was ruined, we were ruined, and since then, all that you have ever wanted, all that we have ever wanted, was a family
Klaus: I will not be manipulated
Elijah: So, they're manipulating you. So what? With them, this girl and her child, your child... live
Klaus: I'm gonna kill every last one of them
Elijah: And then what? Then you return to Mystic Fall to resume your life as the hated one, as the evil hybrid? Is it so important to you that people quake with fear at the sound of your name?
Klaus: People quake with fear because I have the power to make them afraid. What will this child offer me? Will it guarantee me power?
Elijah: Family is power, Niklaus. Love, loyalty. It's power. This is what we swore to one another a thousand years ago, before life tore away what little humanity you had left, before ego, before anger, before paranoia created this person before me... Someone I can barely even recognize as my own brother. This is us. The Original family. We remain together, always and forever. I am asking you to stay here. I will help you and I will stand by you. I will be your brother. We will build a home here together. So, save this girl Save your child
Klaus: No
Mystic Falls
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Rebekah's House]
(Rebekah is on the phone with Elijah)
Elijah: He's doing what he does. Given a chance at happiness, Klaus runs in the opposite direction
Rebekah: Then let him run. That child, if it's even his, is better off without him
Elijah: He's not better off without that child, Rebekah, and neither are we
Rebekah: Darling, kind Elijah. Our brother rarely brings us anything but pain. At what point in your immortal life will you stop searching for his redemption?
Elijah: I'll stop searching for his redemption when I believe there is none left to be found
(She hangs up. Katherine is here)
Rebekah: I'd give you a play-by-play, but you have the air of someone who's been lurking and listening
Katherine: He'll come around. You know Elijah. He won't stop until he's convinced Klaus to do the right thing
Rebekah: I know you consider yourself an expert in brotherly dynamics, but you don't know my brothers half as well as you think you do
Katherine: You're wrong. Klaus won't be able to walk away from this. He and I are the same. We manipulate, we thirst for power, we control, we punish, but our actions are driven by one singular place deep inside
Rebekah: And what's that?
Katherine: We're alone. And we hate it. Tell Elijah to call me when he comes home. I'll be waiting for him
(She leaves)
[New Orleans]
(Klaus goes back to the party and rejoins Marcel)
Marcel: Hey, man. Where'd you run off to?
Klaus: You mean your minions aren't still documenting my every move?
Marcel: Someone put you in a mood. What can I do?
Klaus: What you can do is you can tell me what this thing is you have with the witches
Marcel: We're back to that?
Klaus: Yeah, we're back to that
Marcel: You know I owe you everything I got, but I'm afraid I have to draw the line on this one. This is my business. I control the witches in my town. Let's just leave it at that
Klaus: Your town?
Marcel: Damn straight
Klaus: That's funny. Because when I left 100 years ago, you were just a pathetic little scrapper still trembling from the lashes of the whips of those who would keep you down, and now look at you. Master of your domain. Prince of the city. I'd like to know how
Marcel: Why? Jealous? Hey man, I get it. 300 years ago, you helped build a backwater penal colony into something. You started it, but then you left. Actually, you ran from it. I saw it through. Look around. Vampires rule this city now. We don't have to live in the shadows like rats. The locals know their place. They look the other way. I got rid of the werewolves. I even found a way to shut down the witches. The blood never stops flowing and the party never ends. You want to pass on through? You want to stay a while? Great. What's mine is yours, but it is mine. My home, my family, my rules
Klaus: And if someone breaks those rules?
Marcel: They die. Mercy is for the weak. You taught me that, too. And I'm not the Prince of the quarter, friend. I'm the King! Show me some respect
(Klaus loses his temper and bites one of his minions)
Klaus: Your friend will be dead by the weekend. Which means I've broken one of your rules. And yet I cannot be killed. I am immortal. Who has the power now, friend?
(He leaves)
(Camille looks at a painting. Klaus rejoins her)
Camille: The hundred dollar guy
Klaus: The brave bartender. Camille. That's a French name
Camille: It's a grandma's name. Call me Cami. Amazing, isn't he?
Klaus: Do you paint?
Camille: No, but I admire. Every artist has a story, you know
Klaus: And what do you suppose his story is?
Camille: He's... angry. Dark. Doesn't feel safe and doesn't know what to do about it. He wishes he could control his demons instead of having his demons control him. He's lost, alone. Or... maybe he just drank too much tonight. Sorry. Overzealous psych major
Klaus: No. I think you were probably right the first time
Camille: So...
(Klaus has disappeared)
(Klaus is sitting alone on a bench. Elijah rejoins him and sits down next to him)
Klaus: Are you here to give me another pep talk on the joys of fatherhood?
Elijah: I've said all I needed to say
Klaus: I forgot how much I liked this town
Elijah: I didn't forget. All the centuries we've spent together and yet I can count on one hand the number of times that our family has been truly happy. I hated leaving here
Klaus: As did I
Elijah: What is on your mind, brother?
Klaus: For a thousand years, I lived in fear. Any time I settled anywhere, our father would hunt me down and... chase me off. He made me feel powerless, and I hated it. This town was my home once, and in my absence, Marcel has gotten everything that I ever wanted. Power, loyalty, family. I made him in my image and he has bettered me. I want what he has. I want to be King
Elijah: And what of Hayley and the baby?
Klaus: Every King needs an heir
(Elijah is walking in the cemetery with Sophie)
Elijah: So, how do you propose this will work?
Sophie: Your brother needs to cement his place in Marcel's world. His inner circle, the daywalkers... That's where we begin. They're his friends. His family. We'll be hitting him where it hurts
(Thierry is sick. Everyone is gathered around him, including Marcel. Klaus enters)
Klaus: I had time to sleep on it last night. I'm not your enemy. Where my family and I failed this town... Marcel succeeded. My blood will heal him. As though it never happened. The quarter is your home, but I would like to stay a while, if I'm still welcome
(There's a parade. Klaus looks at it and calls someone)
Klaus: Caroline. I'm standing in one of my favorite places in the world, surrounded by food, music, art, culture, and all I can think about is how much I want to show it to you. Maybe one day you'll let me
Mystic Falls
[Rebekah's House]
(Rebekah is with Elijah)
Rebekah: So, that's it? I'm just supposed to pack up my things and leave for good? Forget my life here and my pursuit of the cure?
Elijah: The cure was a fool's errand. I mean, taking it would've stripped you of everything you are for what? More High School proms?
Rebekah: I wanted to be human. I wanted children and a family
Elijah: And I stand before you to offer you both
Rebekah: And if I decide against you? A dagger in my heart and then back in a box?
Elijah: I've made my case. Your family needs you. And what choice you make right now is your own
Rebekah: I owe him nothing. I wish him no joy. No love. I will stay here and live my life the way I want to, and if you're smart, I suggest you do the same
(She leaves. He turns himself. Katherine is here)
Katherine: She's right. Be smart, Elijah. Klaus is stark raving mad, not to mention completely irredeemable. Leave him to set off on this new adventure and lets you and I go out on ours. I have lost so much of my life to Klaus. So have you. It's our turn. Elijah, please
Elijah: Katerina... Good bye
(He leaves)
[Salvatore's House]
(Elena is still in the cell. Stefan and Damon enter)
Damon: You look terrible
Elena: I'm hungry. Not that you care
Damon: But I do. That's the whole point. I do care. You don't care. It's about time for that to change
(He gives her a blood bag and she drinks)
Elena: Vervain
Damon: How does that make you feel? Hurt because I'd betray you? Angry because I'd cause you pain? Or scared? Because you know it's gonna get a lot worse?
Elena: You boys want to play games? Go ahead. Let's see who breaks first. Me... or you
Ecrit par popo34000


Ted from 2030: Kids, when your best friend loses someone...
Marshall: My dad's dead? Ted from 2030:...you drop everything and rush to his side only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say.
At Marvin's funeral
Ted: This is the toughest time in Marshall's life and I feel absolutely useless. What can we do to help?
Lily: Don't look at me. This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee." And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you." Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!"
Robin: Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here.
Ted: Cigarettes, alcohol... Are these firecrackers? My God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse.
Robin, hushing: Be cool, nerds!
Lily: Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept or sat down since we got here. Wait! That can be my role! I'll take care of Judy!
Robin: Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you--the fact that you two aren't very close?
Ted, whispering: Sweet save.
Lily: Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties, but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. I'm on Judy duty.
Ted: "Judy duty."
Barney: She said "doody."
Robin: Really, guys? At a funeral?
Ted: Uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, Drug-DealerFrom-An-'80s-After-School-Special, we have to laugh today. It's healthy.
Barney: Wait a minute! Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh.
Robin: How?
Barney: Ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?
Ted: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
Barney: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts, exactly! So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards, and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh... Claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. We can do this!
Marshall: Hey, guys, sorry, uh... I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. Does anyone have...?
Robin: Outlet or USB?
Marshall: Uh, outlet. Thank you. Oh...
Lily: Wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you?
Ted: You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.
Robin: "If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. "Spoonful of sugar..."? Grow up.
Reverend: I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy.
Judy: Thank you, Reverend.
Reverend: Unfortunately, I can't. My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. But I'm leaving you in the capable hands of my second-in-command: my son.
Marshall: Your son?
Reverend: Oh, you remember Trey. I'll go grab him.
Marshall: Guys... Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. He was, he was the toughest bully in school.
Trey: 'Sup Marshall.
Marshall: Hello, Trey. Long time. Mm-hmm. I was not aware that you had become a reverend.
Trey: Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. Kidding!
Barney: Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh.
Ted: Yeah! This video is entitled, "Little League Coach Gets Hit in the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can." I don't wanna give anything away. Let's just watch.
(bat connects with ball, man groans, vomits)
Barney & Ted: Oh!
Barney: See? 'Cause, 'cause he got hit...
Ted:...right in the nuts,
Barney & Ted: The fat kid just runs away.
Marshall: Trey Platt. I can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt.
Ted: That guy gave you noogies? What, did he carry a stepladder?
Marshall: He made me carry it.
Trey: So, my dad has these questions he asks to help create a theme for the service, or whatever. Question one: "What were your last words with the deceased?" Lame. Question two:
Judy: Wait... My last words with Marvin were lovely. I've been thinking about them a lot.
Marshall's brother #1: Me, too. We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk.
Marshall's brother #2: My last day with Pop, he taught my son how to skate.
Trey: Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. Thanks, Dad. Guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes... again.
Judy: "Last words" seems like a good theme. Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you?
[FLASHBACK]
Judy: Bye, sweetie.
Marshall: Bye, Mom.
Marvin: Son, there's something I want to say before I leave.
Marshall: Yeah, Dad?
Marvin: Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight?
Marshall: I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. Dad, don't they have food on the plane?
Marvin: Yeah, but plane food is ass.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: "Plane food is ass." Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God. Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab so my dad called up from the street.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella?
Marshall: And then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, so sometimes - totally well-meaningly - he'd say stuff like...
Marvin: The Koreans across the hall! Hey, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people!
Marshall: Dad...
Marvin: I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella! Heck, they're Koreans!
[END OF FLASHACK]
Marshall: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.
Robin: All that stuff was really nice!
Lily: Yeah! It's positive racism!
Marshall: This is worse than the pork chop.
Barney: This next clip is entitled, "Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull"
Ted: Let's see what happens.
Barney: Here he comes... Oh! Oh! 'Cause he gets hit right in the nuts.
Ted: And then the fat kid loses his swim trunks.
Barney: Fall off. Shorts just fall right off.
Marshall: No, wait-- I'm wrong. That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there.
[FALSHBACK]
Marshall: Hey, you were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella.
Marvin: Of course they did.
Judy: Bye, sweetie.
Marshall: Bye, Mom.
Marvin: Hey, son, I just want to leave you with a little advice. Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so maybe I can live with that. (cell phone beeps) Oh, sorry, my phone's charged.
Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: I got ya.
Marshall: Oh, my God.
Lily: What is it?
Marshall: I have a voice mail from my dad.
Lily: You have a voice mail from your dad?
Robin: How?
Marshall: My phone's been out of juice, so he must've called me the day the he, uh...
Lily: Baby, are you okay?
Marshall: I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. I'm gonna hit play.
Robin: What's wrong?
Marshall: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? I can't do this. I can't... My mom is about to collapse. I'm gonna...
Lily: Wait-- no, no, baby... Baby, I got it. Let me.
Robin: You should listen to it. Just don't put too much pressure on it.
Ted: She's right. I mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? I mean, who can live up to that?
Barney: Exactly. All those "famous last word" people supposedly said? They're all made up. Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history?
[FLASHBACK]
Nathan Hale: My I only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: You know what his real last words were?
[FLASHBACK]
Nathan Hale: I'm peeing my pants!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: True story.
Robin: The point is, last words are overrated.
Ted: Look, think of it this way: you get to hear your dad's voice one last time.
Marshall: I should go listen to this... alone, okay? I'll be back.
(Marshall steps away)
Woman: Hey, so, um, I heard you might have...
Robin: You heard right. (whispering: ) I'm getting a reputation. So, what you need, mama? Come here.
(Robin walk away with the woman)
Lily: Guys, listen to what just happened.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while.
Judy: You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine-- admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! And choke on them!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Whoa. Are you okay?
Lily: Listen!
[FLASHBACK]
(Judy yawns)
Judy: I'm gonna go take a nap.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! Guys, I have a role: I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!
Ted: Well, but this day is tough on you, too. You sure you can absorb all that?
Lily: Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. I don't know what's in it, but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now.
Robin: Hey, stay hydrated.
(Marshall comes back)
Barney: So?
Marshall: I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard.
Lily: We know, baby. But you'll always wonder, if you don't. Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said.
Barney: It doesn't. That's true.
Marshall: Guys, guys, what if-- God forbid-- all of your dads died right now? What would their last words to you have been? Seriously.
Ted: I know mine. When I was in Cleveland last month, I went to visit my dad at his... post-divorce bachelor pad.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted's dad: Been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, T-Dawg.
Ted: Yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our s*x lives now. That's totally an improvement.
Ted's dad: I hooked up with a younger woman the other week-- Donna Bromstead.
Ted: My prom date?!
Ted's dad: How far did you get, T-Dawg?
Ted: I have to go.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: How would you like those to be your father's last words?
Ted: Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop.
Marshall: Lawyered. Lily?
[FLASHBACK]
(phone ringing)
Lily: Hello.
Lily's dad: Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years. ut bright side, I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion", ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lawyered. Robin?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin's dad: And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, I pray that this will finally be the year you achieve something of actual significance. I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma. Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: That's awful.
Robin: No, here's the awful part.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: You remembered my birthday!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lawyered. Now can we all just admit that last words are, in fact, a big deal?
Everyone: Yes.
Barney: Man, I always thought I had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. Our next video is called "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink."
Marshall: Barney, please, Barney! It's... No more videos, okay? I just need a minute.
Judy: Okay... okay, who is responsible for this? Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old.
Robin: Whoa, they grow big out here.
Barney: And here's your phone number back.
Robin: Judy, I...
Lily: I did it.
Judy: What possible excuse could you have for this?
Lily: I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny.
Judy: There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! You should be ashamed, Lily! Ashamed! Mmm! Oh, cripes, that's tasty. Mmm! Mmm!
Lily: That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts.
Ted: Well, at least someone's helping. We haven't made Marshall laugh once.
Barney: Yeah. Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. I'm just stupid.
Ted: Stupid.
Barney: What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts.
Ted: Yes. Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. But which one of us is going to take the hit?(Barney hits Ted in the nuts) So that's it? No discussion?
Marshall: I'm not going to listen. "Rent Crocodile Dundee II" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and I think I can live with that.
Ted: Is he laughing?
Ted from 2030: Marshall really did think he could live with that. That is, until later, at the memorial service.
Judy: My last talk with Marvin was so lovely.
Ted from 2030: The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect.
Marshall's brother #1: Then he picked my crying son up off the ice. He gave him a hug and said, "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while."
Marshall's brother #2: And as we hiked, a little deer appeared on the path. She hopped over to Dad and started eating-- right out of his hand.
Judy: And then he kissed me and he said...
Marshall's brother #1: "I will always be proud of you""
Marshall's brother #2: "Life is such a gift."
Judy: "You know something, gorgeous, I'm the luckiest man alive."
Barney, his voice breaking: Lame.
Ted: These stories suck.
Robin: Doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing.
Lily: You're up next, baby.
Marshall: I just need some air.
Lily: Baby, are you okay?
Marshall: I have to listen to it. It's a pocket dial. It's nothing.
Lily: Hey, so it's a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one?
Barney: She's right. Your dad was hilarious.
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he's just gone. And what am I left with? (scratchy electronic sounds) Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father, the greatest man that I have ever known, and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. (scratchy sounds continue) But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or-- or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me. How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with?
(scratchy sounds continue)
Marvin's voice: Marshall? Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? (laughing) Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.
Lily: Looks like your dad came through one last time.
Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you."
Marvin's voice: Ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. That fungus thing is acting up again.
Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you."
Everyone: Yes. Yes, they were. We heard it. Loud and clear.
Marshall: Bye, Pop.
Ted from 2030: So Marshall finally got up to speak. Funny thing, though...
Marshall: Then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night and it totally holds up."
Ted from 2030: He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself.
Judy: Thanks.
Lily: For what?
Judy: I know what you've been doing today. And I really needed it.
Lily: Any time.
Judy: That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. Sorry, dear. Last one.
At Judy's
Marshall: Oh, man. I should have rented Crocodile Dundee III.
Ted: Okay, seriously, how are you doing that?
Marshall: Thanks. I'll be right back. And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. I really, really, really love you guys. Now I'm going to go drop a deuce.
Ted from 2030: Last words-- it's a lot of pressure, kids.
Ted is making a phone call
Ted: Hi, Dad.
Lily is also making a phone call
Lily: Hi, Dad.
Robin is calling her dad.
Robin: Hi, Dad.
Barney is calling his mother.
Barney: Hey, Mom. I'm ready to meet my dad.


In the Mayor's office. Faith is sitting at the desk with her eyes closed. A present is laying on the desk in front of her. The Mayor stands by her side.
Mayor: Alright, you can open them up now. Faith sees the present and smiles up at him.
Faith: Fab. What's the occasion?
Mayor: Faith! As if I need a reason to show you my affection. Or appreciation for running a small errand at the airport.
Faith: Airport? What's next? Gonna want me to help a buddy of yours move a sofa?
Mayor: This isn't a free ride, young lady. You know, I'm beginning to think that somebody's getting a little spoiled. Maybe I should take this back.
Faith: (clutches the present) Sorry... Sir.
Mayor: That's my girl. (chuckles) Another cookie? (Faith takes one) Now. A package is arriving tomorrow night from Central America. Something, and I can't stress this enough, something crucially important to my Ascension. Without it ... Well! What would Toll House cookies be without the chocolate chips? A pretty darn big disappointment, I can tell you. (giggles) Open your present. (she does) There. That look on your face is my reward. The present is a knife with an intricate design.
Faith: This is a thing of beauty, boss.
Mayor: Well, it cost a pretty penny. So, you just take good care of it. And you be careful not to put somebody's eye out with that thing, until I tell you to.
Faith: Any particular eyes in mind?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night, in a graveyard. Angel and Buffy are fighting a pair of vampires. Buffy trips her opponent into Angel's legs.
Buffy: Sorry, honey!
Angel: That's okay. They finish off both vampires.
Buffy: Well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless, of course, you're me.
Angel: That was bracing. Want to do another sweep?
Buffy: It's what I live for. Sad to say.
Angel: You too tired?
Buffy: No. It's just... Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut?
Angel: A rut?
Buffy: You never take me any place new.
Angel: What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace.
Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're ... the same age you are now. They hear a growl offstage.
Angel: Let's just get you to fifty.
Buffy: Liking that plan. Opening credits.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the Summers house. Buffy sits at the table, flipping through a book. Joyce enters from the hall.
Joyce: Buffy? When were you going to tell me?
Buffy: Alright, busted. I didn't think you'd miss them. (takes off earrings)
Joyce: You were accepted to Northwestern University. Honey, I'm so proud of you! That's wonderful!
Buffy: (less enthusiastic) Right! It's wonderful.
Joyce: I mean, it's not cheap, but, uh, I know we can make it work if your father pitches in. Not that Northwestern is your only option. It's a great school, though. I am so proud of you.
Buffy: You said that before.
Joyce: And will again soon.
Buffy: Mom, you know that I can't ... I-I just can't decide on a school right now. I mean I want to sleep on it, you know, mull it over. Raise them up my inner flagpole, see which one I salute.
Joyce: I know, sweetheart. I'm just so pleased that you have so many choices. Ooh, you know what? Your aunt Arleen and her family are in Illinois. I've got to call and tell them. Oh, Buffy?
Buffy: I know, you're proud of me.
Joyce: Ah, don't forget to put my earrings back in my dresser before you go out. Arleen? Hi! It's Joyce. How you doing? Listen, you are never going to believe where Buffy got accepted to school!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daylight on campus. One guy sits at a picnic table. A second guy drops a paper bag on the table and sits opposite the first guy.
Guy #2: Here you go.
Guy #1: Thanks.
Snyder: (swoops in) Okay, what's in the bag?
Guy #1: My lunch.
Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo? (takes the bag, looks inside)
Guy #1: No, it's my lunch.
Snyder: (drops the bag on the table) Sit up straight. (marches off) Camera zooms past Snyder to another table: Willow and Oz sit opposite Buffy.
Willow: Sounds like your mom's in a state of denial.
Buffy: More like a continent. She just has to realize that I can't go away.
Willow: Well, maybe not now, but soon, maybe. Or maybe I too hail from Denial Land.
Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me. UC Sunnydale - at least I got in. You! I mean I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses.
Willow: I know! I could learn and, and have scones. Although I-I don't know how I feel about going to school in a foreign country. Xander is sitting at a nearby tree reading Jack Kerouac's _On the Road_.
Xander: Everything in life is foreign territory. Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road is my school.
Buffy: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria?
Xander: Go ahead, mock me.
Oz: I think she just did.
Xander: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted.
Oz: Well, sure. You're all so weird.
Willow: I think it's neat, you doing the backpack, trail mix, happy wanderer thing.
Xander: I'm aware it scores kinda high on the hokey-meter, but I think it will be good for me. You know, help me to find myself. Cordelia walks between the table and Xander's tree.
Cordelia: And help us to lose you. Everyone's a winner.
Xander: (getting up) Well, look who just popped open a fresh can of venom. Hey, did you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard?
Willow: Oxford.
Xander: Oxford. And M.I.T. and Yale and every other college on the face of the planet. As in your face I rub it.
Cordelia: Oxford? Whoopee! Four years in tea-bag central. Sounds thrilling. And M.I.T. is a Clearasil ad with housing. And Yale is a dumping ground for those who didn't get into Harvard.
Willow: I got into Harvard.
Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers!
Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia: I'm sorry Buffy. This conversation is reserved for people who actually have a future. (leaves)
Oz: An angry young woman.
Willow: Oh Buffy, she was just being Cordelia, only more so. Don't pay any attention to her.
Xander: She's definitely got a chip going.
Willow: Maybe if you didn't goad her so much?
Xander: I can't help it. It's my nature.
Willow: Maybe you need a better nature.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Buffy and Wesley walk into the library.
Wesley: I don't understand.
Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave.
Wesley: What? Now?
Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college?
Wesley: But, you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayer-ness. That's ... something-ism. Giles is listening from the door of his office.
Giles: Buffy, I know we've talked about you going away...
Buffy: I got into Northwestern.
Giles: That's wonderful news. Good for you.
Wesley: Alright, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril?
Buffy: I bet you they have all that stuff in Illinois.
Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale. By the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it. (said while crossing his wrists over his heart - watcher authority hand signal?) Buffy rolls her eyes and turns her back on Wesley.
Giles: Ah yes, that should settle it.
Wesley: (counting on fingers) Faith gone bad, and the Mayor's Ascension coming up, ...
Buffy: I know it's complicated. I'm aware that my graduation may be, among other things, posthumous, but... What if I stop the Ascension? What if I capture Faith?
Giles: I very much hope you will.
Buffy: If I do that, then all you guys have to do is keep the run of the mill unholy forces at bay through mid-terms and I'll be back in time for Homecoming, and every school break after that. Can we at least think about it?
Wesley: Perhaps if circumstances were different.
Buffy: I'll make them different.
Wesley: What?
Buffy: I'm tired of waiting for Mayor McSleaze to make his move while we sit on our hands counting down to Ascension Day. I mean, let's take the fight to him.
Wesley: No. No! Much too reckless. We're at a distinct disadvantage. We don't know anything about the Mayor's Ascension...
Giles: She's right. Time's running out. We need to take the offensive. (to Buffy) What's your plan?
Buffy: I gotta have a plan? Really? I can't just be proactive with pep?
Giles: No. You want to take the fight to them? I suggest the first step would be to find out exactly what they're up to.
Buffy: Oh. I actually knew that. I thought you meant a more specific plan, you know, like with maps and stuff. Great. We'll find out what they're up to.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night, at the airport. A small plane taxies to a stop and a man leaves the plane carrying a box. A vampire waits by a limo with a briefcase.
Box man: Is he in the car?
Vampire: No, I'll take you to him. (opens the limo door) Camera zooms in to show the box handcuffed to the man's right hand. The man kicks the limo door shut.
Box man: The Mayor was supposed to be here in person with the money. Well, the price just went up. I don't like surprises. Impact sound. The head of an arrow appears through the front of his shirt - Faith has shot him through the back.
Faith: Surprise. Faith climbs down from her hiding place and approaches the body.
Vampire: You killed him.
Faith: What are you, the narrator? Keys to the cuffs? The vampire searches the man's clothing.
Vampire: Nothing. Faith pulls out her flashy new knife.
Vampire: That won't cut through steel.
Faith: No, but it will cut through bone.
Fade to commercial.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night. The limo pulls up in front of City Hall. Faith carries the box inside. Buffy is watching from the bushes.
Cut to inside the Mayor's office. Faith kicks in the door and carries the box inside.
Mayor: Hey ho! There it is! Hahahaha! Ah, what happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him.
Faith: Hunh. Made him an offer he couldn't survive. (takes the money)
Mayor: (chuckles) You are one heck of a girl, you know that? I mean geez, the initiative, the - the skill.
Faith: Go on, go on. (sits down)
Mayor: I will. You know, I'll tell you, if Buffy ... (Faith props her feet on the desk. The Mayor frowns.) Hey hey hey hey. (Faith drops her feet.) If Buffy Summers walked in here and said she wanted to switch to our side, I'd say (snaps his fingers) no thanks, sister, I've got all the Slayer one man could ever need. (chuckles) Faith sighs.
Mayor: What?
Faith: Nothing.
Mayor: Oh, it's cause I used the B-word, huh? Don't tell me you're still sore about that whole Angel-Buffy thing.
Faith: No, I'm over it. She can have him.
Mayor: Better believe she can. She deserves that poor excuse for a creature of the night. You, on the other hand, can do better. Faith is fidgeting and begins toying with the clasp of the box. The Mayor slams his hands down on top of the box.
Mayor: Don't do that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night. The limo pulls to a stop in a parking lot. The vampire driver hears a noise and looks back through the rear window. Buffy smashes the driver's side window with her fist and pulls his upper body out of the window.
Buffy: (peppy) So, what's in the box?
Cut to the library. Buffy sits at the table looking at a book. Xander and Wesley look on.
Buffy: The Box of Gavrock. It houses some great demonic energy or something which His Honor needs to chow down on come A-Day. Giles and Willow enter. Giles carries some large drawings.
Wesley: What's that?
Giles: Maps. And stuff.
Willow: Plans for City Hall. They were in the Water and Power mainframe.
Buffy: The box is being kept under guard in a conference room on the top floor. (points to a map sheet) There. Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy.
Wesley: Well, now, here's what I think we should do...
Buffy: I figure we can enter through the skylight. I'll take Angel with me.
Giles: Agreed.
Xander: And there's a fire ladder on the east side of the building, (points) here.
Wesley: Yes, yes, fine, but we still need to consider whether the Mayor...
Giles: It won't be enough to simply have possession of the box.
Willow: Right, we have to destroy it. Not just physically - ritually, with some down and dirty black magic.
Wesley: Hang on. We don't know what such a ritual would require.
Giles: (flipping through a book) I think the Breath of the Atropyx is standard for this sort of thing. Fairly simple recipe. Xander? Wesley attempts to read over Giles's shoulder but Giles hands the book to Xander.
Xander: I know. I'm ingredient getting guy.
Wesley: Alright, stop! I demand everyone STOP this instant! (everyone looks at him) I'm in charge here and I say this is all moving much too fast. We need time to fully analyze the situation and devise a proper and strategic strategem.
Buffy: Wes, hop on the train or get off the tracks.
Wesley: The Mayor will most assuredly have supernatural safeguards protecting the box. (silence) Oh, we all forgot about that, did we?
Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
Buffy: Let's get to work. The gang files past Wesley. Giles pushes a map into Wesley's hands. Wesley mopes for a moment, then turns to follow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daylight. Xander is walking along a street and pauses at the window of a shop. He sees Cordelia inside holding up a dress. He starts, stops, looks for a moment more. He goes inside.
Xander: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did you? The grades were there, but ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial princess quotas.
Cordelia: And once again, the gold medal in the Being Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris. (takes envelopes from her purse) Read 'em and weep, creep. USC, Colorado State, Duke, and Columbia.
Xander: Wow! These are great colleges. I'm guessing they must have seen a different side of your father's money.
Cordelia: (snatches the letters away from him) Go away.
Xander: Sure! If you'll excuse me, I have to go back to helping to save some lives. Carry on. I know that you have some important accessorizing to do. Xander leaves. Cordelia looks unhappy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night. A dark van stops in a parking lot. Wesley is driving, Giles rides shotgun. Buffy, Angel, and Willow get out.
Giles: Now remember, if anything should go awry, Wesley and I will create a diversion.
Wesley: Let's synchronize our watches. I have twenty-one four... Buffy and Willow are holding up their bare wrists.
Wesley: Yes, typical.
Willow: Maybe we could just count. One one thousand, two one thousand, ...
Giles: Be careful, all of you. The trio marches off. Giles turns to Wesley.
Giles: Tea? Angel pulls down the fire ladder. Willow starts climbing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the library. Oz places a large ceramic pot on a pedestal. Xander enters carrying a paper bag.
Oz: You got the goods?
Xander: Yeah. (starts pulling plastic baggies out) Essence of toad, twice-blessed sage, maybe that's the toad?
Oz: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation.
Xander: Well, then, they shouldn't leave it in the hands of the lay people.
Oz: Oh, Willow laid it out for us pretty well. (shows him Willow's papers)
Xander: Wow! She even drew helpful diagrams. That's the pedestal.
Oz: And the ingredients. And us. See, there's you and there's me.
Xander: Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me.
Oz: Well, this one's me. See the little guitar.
Xander: Oh, gotcha.
Oz: Nobody like my Willow.
Xander: No sir, there is not. Oz moves to the pot and drops three gold pieces in.
Oz: Okay, toad me. Xander throws him a plastic bag.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night, on the roof of City Hall. The trio can see the box through the skylight. Angel opens the skylight. Buffy hands Willow a book and a bottle containing salt or sand. Willow reads a spell (in Latin?) while pouring the sand over the box. As the sand falls, a blue force field appears around the box, then suddenly disappears.
Willow: (big smile) Oh yeah, I'm bad.
Buffy: Four stars, Will. Now get going.
Willow: I'm gone. Willow leaves by the fire ladder. Angel fits Buffy with a harness and sets up a pully system. He lowers her down over the box (like the Mission Impossible movie)
Buffy: Got it! As she lifts the box off the table, an alarm bell rings. Angel is pulling on the cord, but Buffy doesn't move.
Buffy: Angel!
Angel: It's jammed.
Buffy: I'd like very much to come up now, please. Angel!
Angel: I know! Two vampires enter the room with a growl.
Buffy: Don't suppose you want to help me get down. (they growl) Didn't think so. Angel leaps down to the table. They fight. Buffy gets in a neat kick using a vertical spin in the trapeze harness, then gets out of it. Buffy and Angel escape the room with the vampire guards in pursuit. Cut to outside. Buffy and Angel run out of the building and dart right. As the vampires leave the building, the black van accelerates past the door and the vampires chase it. Buffy and Angel stand up and watch from their hiding place in the bushes, then run the other way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the wrecked conference room. The Mayor surveys the damage while the vampire guards stand with their heads down.
Mayor: Well, this is very unfortunate. I just had this conference room redecorated, for Pete's sake. At taxpayers' expense. And, oh yeah ... (the cheerful facade breaks and with a burst of rage, he smashes a chair) They've got my box. Faith walks in, holding a knife to Willow's neck.
Faith: Yeah they do, but looky what we got. Big smile from the Mayor.
Fade to commercial.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the library. Scooby Gang minus Willow.
Buffy: How did you guys let ... How did this happen?
Giles: We thought she stayed with you.
Angel: They must have grabbed her when she hit the ground. Buffy, I'm sorry.
Buffy: Look, it's nobody's fault, okay. We just need to focus and deal. Oz, I swear I won't let them hurt her.
Xander: We go back. Full-on assault.
Giles: They'll kill her.
Wesley: We're assuming they haven't already.
Buffy: No. No, they know what she means to us. She's too valuable as long as we still have the box. We trade.
Wesley: We can't.
Buffy: No, it's the safest plan. (to Giles) It's the only way, right?
Giles: It might well be.
Buffy: Look, we call the Mayor and arrange a meeting.
Wesley: This box must be destroyed.
Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.
Wesley: Giles, you know I'm right about this.
Buffy: Wes, you want to duck and cover at this point?
Wesley: Damn it, you listen to me! This box is the key to the Mayor's Ascension. Thousands of lives depend on our getting rid of it. Now I want to help Willow as much as the rest of you, but we will find another way.
Buffy: There is no other way.
Wesley: You're the one who said take the fight to the Mayor. You were right. This is the town's best hope of survival. It's your chance to get out.
Buffy: You think I care about that? Are you made of human parts?
Giles: Alright! Let's deal with this rationally.
Buffy: Why are you taking his side? The outbursts of Buffy, Giles, and Wesley clash for a moment, then Wesley's voice breaks out of the babble.
Wesley: You'd sacrifice thousands of lives? Your families, your friends? Oz has been sitting through all this. He gets up and walks behind Wesley.
Wesley: It can all end right here. We have the means to destroy this box. Oz picks up the pot for the box-destroying ritual and throws it into a display case, smashing both to shards. Everyone looks at each other.
Buffy: Giles, make the phone call.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In City Hall, in a musty storeroom. Willow is banging on a locked window, trying to open it. She gives up on the window and pulls out a desk drawer, making a lot of noise. A vampire guard enters the room.
Guard: What are you doing?
Willow: Oh, uh, I'm looking for a sucking candy, cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will. The vampire slowly approaches her with a hungry look.
Willow: And suddenly I'm thinking sucking isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so. You're going to be in some trouble when the Mayor ...Ow! The vampire grabs her shoulders and presses her against a wall.
Guard: Just a little taste. As he leans in for the bite, a pencil from the desk drawer floats up behind him and stabs him in the back. He crumbles to dust. Willow leaves the room and starts down a hallway. A door opens and she hears Faith and the Mayor. Willow quickly hides in another room and listens as they pass.
Faith: She's not gonna be brain-dead but she'd be to come back here tonight.
Mayor: Ever had a dog?
Faith: What?
Mayor: I did. Rusty. Irish setter. A dog's friendship is stronger than reason, stronger than it's own sense of self-preservation. Buffy's like a dog, and hey, before you can say Jack Robinson, you'll get to see me kill her like one. Faith and the Mayor walk down the hall. Willow starts to run the other way, but stops at the open door to the Mayor's office. She enters, closes the door, and finds the Mayor's cupboard of skulls and magic stuff. She finds a hidden compartment containing the Books of Ascension, and begins skimming the pages.
Faith: Check out the bookworm. (standing in the office door)
Willow: Faith!
Faith: Anyone with brains, anyone who knew what was going to happen to her, would try to claw her way out of this place. But you, you just can't stop Nancy Drew-ing, can you? Guess now you know too much and that kinda just naturally leads to killing.
Willow: Faith, wait. I want to talk to you.
Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late.
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste. Faith punches Willow in the jaw and she falls to the ground.
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient. Willow climbs back to her feet.
Willow: Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back.
Faith: You're begging for some deep pain.
Willow: I'm not afraid of you. Faith pulls out the fancy knife.
Faith: Let's see what we can do about that. The Mayor is standing in the doorway.
Mayor: Girls, I hope I don't have to separate you two. Faith, you can play with your new toy later. Something's come up. Faith keeps holding the knife to Willow's neck, staring into her eyes.
Mayor: Faith! You know I don't like repeating myself.
Faith: (to Willow) I got someone. I got him.
Mayor: I just received a heck of an interesting phone call.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night. In the Sunnydale High cafeteria. The Scooby Gang waits for the Mayor. Giles holds a baseball bat. Oz tests a locked door.
Oz: The whole place is locked down, except for the front.
Xander: Yeah, it gives me that comforting trapped feeling.
Buffy: One way out means one way in. I want to see them coming. The lights go out, leaving the room dimly lit by outside lights.
Xander: Guess they're shy.
Angel: I can see alright. The two vampire guards push open the front doors, followed by the Mayor, then Faith holding Willow. The two groups stop and glare at each other. The Mayor and Buffy advance to within arm's reach.
Mayor: Well, this is exciting, isn't it? (chuckles) Clandestine meetings by dark of night. Exchange of prisoners. I just, I, I feel like we should all be wearing trench coats.
Buffy: Let her go.
Mayor: No. Not until the box is in my hands. So you're the little girl that's been causing me all this trouble. She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women.
Angel: Well, what can I say? I like them sane. Willow makes a sound as Faith tightens her grip.
Oz: Angel.
Mayor: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do. But if you don't mind a bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don't see much of a future for you two. I don't sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to kill you. You two have a bumpy road ahead.
Buffy: I don't think we need to talk about this.
Mayor: God, you kids, you know. You don't like to think about the future. You don't like to make plans. Unless you want Faith to gut your friend like a sea bass, show a little respect for your elders.
Angel: You're not my elder. I've got a lotta years on you.
Mayor: Yeah, and that's just one of the things you're going to have to deal with. You're immortal, she's not. It's not. I married my Edna May in ought-three and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture. Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn't our happiest time. And let's not forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you evil. I mean, come on. What kind of a life can you offer her? I don't see a lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding from the sun. She's a blossoming young girl and you want to keep her from the life she should have until it has passed her by. My God! I think that's a little selfish. Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your greater purpose? (he stares at Angel for a moment and then shakes his head in disgust) Make the trade. Angel and Faith trade. Faith is holding the box in the center of the room.
Mayor: Well, that went smooth. Snyder and two policemen enter the front door.
Snyder: Nobody moves! The Mayor steps back into the shadows as Snyder advances. One policeman locks the doors behind him.
Snyder: I knew you kids were up to something.
Buffy: Snyder, get out of here.
Snyder: You're not giving orders, young lady. I suppose you're going to tell me I won't find drugs in this box. Snyder takes the box from Faith and turns away. Faith pulls her knife.
Buffy: (to Faith) Wait!
Mayor: Principal Snyder. Snyder turns at the Mayor's voice, then focuses on the drawn knife.
Mayor: I think we have a problem.
Snyder: Mr. Mayor, I had no idea you ... I'm terribly sorry.
Mayor: No, it's I who should apologize. Coming down here at night. What must you be thinking? But you see, I just needed to ... Behind Snyder, one of the policemen is opening the box.
Mayor: No! Don't do that! A spidery creature leaps out of the box onto the policeman's face. (much like the face-hugger in the Aliens movies) He starts screaming.
Fade to commercial.
[SCENE_BREAK]
The policeman attempts to pull the spider off his face, but cannot. He collapses to the floor and stops moving. The spider releases him and skitters away into the shadows. The whole thing happened so quickly, no one moved to interfere. The Scooby Gang starts shifting positions, looking for the creature.
Wesley: Oh god.
Xander: Where did it go?
Snyder: (to the remaining cop) Get that door open!
Giles: No! You can't let that thing out of here! The policeman fumbles nervously with his keys and drops them.
Xander: I still want to know where it went.
Buffy: Listen. They hear subtle noises on the ceiling: skittering feet, a low keening. Everyone looks up. The spider drops onto the Mayor's face and he falls backwards onto a table.
Faith: Boss! Faith rushes to his aid. She pulls the spider off and flings it into a wall. It rights itself and skitters out of sight. Giles and Wesley climb up on chairs. While everyone is looking at the Mayor, a second spider creeps out of the box. The Mayor sits up with wounds on his face which rapidly fade away. Snyder stares in horror at the Mayor's face.
Mayor: Wouldn't leave that open. Buffy slams the lid of the box shut just as a third creature is climbing out. Severed limbs clatter on the floor. As she is crouched at the box, one of the spiders drops on her back. She flips onto her back, crushing it against the floor. Faith sees the second spider climbing the wall behind Wesley and draws back her arm. Wesley sees her.
Wesley: No! Wesley ducks. Faith snaps the knife into the spider, killing it. The Mayor strides over the box and picks it up.
Oz: Is that all of them?
Mayor: Ah, not really. You see, there's about fifty... billion of these happy little critters in here. Would you like to see? The cop finally gets the front doors open. He and the two vampire guards race out of the room.
Mayor: Raise your hand if you're invulnerable. (no replies) Faith, let's go. Faith stares at the impaled spider on the wall.
Mayor: Faith. Faith stares a moment more, then follows him. Snyder is holding a chair at chest height, legs pointed outward. He turns as Faith walks by, keeping the chair between them.
Buffy: Snyder, you alive in there?
Snyder: You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people? Snyder walks out cautiously, still holding his chair like a security blanket.
Wesley: Well, that went swimmingly.
Buffy: We did alright. (Buffy and Willow share a look.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the library. Buffy and Willow sit cross-legged on the counter. Willow is very animated. Giles and Wesley stand back.
Willow: So Faith was like I'm going to beat you up and I'm all "I'm not afraid of you" and then she had the knife which was less fun a-and then, oh! I-I told her you made your choice, Buffy was your friend...
Giles: This is fascinating, but let's get back to the point. You actually had your hands on the Books of Ascension?
Willow: Volumes One through Five.
Giles: Is there anything you can remember that could be of use to us? Anything at all?
Willow: Well, I was in a hurry, and what I did read was kind of over-involved. If you ask me, way over-written. Actually, there were a few pages that looked kind of interesting but I didn't have a chance to read them fully. Giles looks disheartened. Willow pulls some folded pages out of a pocket.
Willow: See what you can make of them? Giles smiles like a kid at Christmas and rushes off.
Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often.
Willow: No, thank you.
Wesley: Well, let's hope there is something useful in those pages. The Mayor has the Box of Gavrock. As of now, we are right back where we started. Wouldn't you say? Buffy looks unhappy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daylight on campus. Buffy is crouched, leaning back against a tree. Willow walks up.
Willow: Deep thoughts?
Buffy: Deep and meaningful.
Willow: As in?
Buffy: As in, I'm never getting out of here. I kept thinking if I stopped the Mayor or ... but I was kidding myself. I mean, there is always going to be something. I'm a Sunnydale girl, no other choice.
Willow: Must be tough. I mean, here I am, I can do anything I want. I can go to any college in the country, four or five in Europe if Iwant.
Buffy: Please tell me you're going somewhere with this?
Willow: No. (hands Buffy a letter) I'm not going anywhere.
Buffy: UC Sunnydale?
Willow: I will be matriculating with Class of 2003.
Buffy: Are you serious?
Willow: Say, isn't that where you're going? Buffy hugs her and they tumble onto the ground.
Buffy: I can't believe it! Are you serious? Ah, wait, what am I saying? You can't.
Willow: What do you mean, I can't?
Buffy: I won't let you.
Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?
Buffy: There are better schools.
Willow: Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum.
Buffy: Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me.
Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
Buffy: I kind of love you.
Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn?
Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Willow: Mochas?
Buffy: Yes, please. It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.
Willow: Neat, huh?
Buffy: Sometimes it is.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the dress shop where Xander and Cordelia last fought. Cordelia is holding a dress in front of her, looking in a full-length mirror. A woman in a suit enters the room behind her.
Woman: Chase! What are you doing? Your break's been over for ten minutes. I still need you to re-stock the shelves and clean out the storage room. Let's go. Cordelia looks at the dress for a few seconds more, then goes back to work.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Night, in a graveyard. Buffy and Angel are holding hands, sitting on a blanket, leaning against a gravestone.
Buffy: It's gonna be fun. Will and I are going to go on Saturday to check out the campus. I'm hoping Mom will let me live there. It's too far to come home every night. Plus the whole lack of cool factor. Either way, I'll be close to your place. I don't know what the Mayor was talking about. How could he know anything about us?
Angel: Well, he's evil.
Buffy: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is.
Angel: No.
Buffy: Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is with evil.
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: Big, stupid, evil guy. We'll be okay.
Angel: We will. Buffy leans her head against Angel's chest, looking not very okay.
BLACK OUT