OLIVIA POPE's APARTMENT
Olivia: Why are you here? You can't be here.
Fitz: I didn't kill Amanda Tanner.
Olivia: I know. Her baby it wasn't yours. But it could have been.
Fitz: Really? You really want me to detail for you how and where and in what positions Amanda Tanner and I had s*x? Would that help make you feel better? 'Cause I'll do it.
Olivia: No.
Fitz: You left me. I was unhappy. She was there. One time. I-- I made a mistake.
Olivia: I don't want to talk about it. You cheated on your mistress with your girlfriend. Let's just leave it at that.
Fitz: She wasn't my girlfriend. Don't you ever call yourself a mistress. We both know better.
Olivia: Why are you here?
Fitz: Cyrus got this in the mail a week ago. It's a s*x tape. I'm on it. I need you to hear it.
Olivia: I definitely don't want to hear you and Amanda Tanner having s*x.
Fitz: Olivia. I need you to listen to this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS
Fitz: Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it. We got our ass handed to us by Sally Langston in Iowa last night. So, anyone have any great ideas? Anyone?
Jeannine: We have to swing farther right. We haven't said a thing about gay marriage, school prayer-
Fitz: Oh, come on. It's not our stances on the issues. We are not getting our message out there. People don't know where I stand. The problem is--
Olivia: Your marriage. It looks like you don't screw your wife Which would be fine, except that family values matter to Republicans. It's why they vote for who they vote for. And since Sally's got Jesus firmly on her side, that just leaves family. Marriage. And yours, whatever the truth may be from the outside, it looks cold, distant, dead. Where is your wife, by the way? People want to like who they're voting for. Voters thought Al Gore was a big stiff until he stuck his tongue down Tipper's throat. They put George W. in office because he and Laura seemed like a fun couple to have a beer with. People have to want to invite you in for dinner; and right now, you and your wife are standing in their doorway, not looking at each other, letting in the cold air. That's why you lost Iowa. It's why you'll lose New Hampshire.
Fitz: And you are?
Olivia: Olivia. Pope.
Fitz: Fire her.
Cyrus: Ah, she's great, right? A pistol. Lives for her work, a political nun, best student I ever had.
Fitz: Fire her.
Cyrus: 'Cause she said what every staffer on your campaign was afraid to say?
Fitz: Just get rid of her.
Olivia: I'll charge my hotel room to the campaign. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to raid the hotel minibar. Liv best of luck, Governor.
Cyrus: Let's be clear about something. I run a sausage factory.
Fitz: Which makes me ... sausage?
Cyrus: Handsome, highly qualified, smart, idealistic, and energetic sausage. The stump, the electrifying speeches, the baby kissing that's all you. The nitty-gritty, morally bankrupt, back-alley-brawling rest of the game, that's me. It's filthy and thankless, and it's my hallelujah, heroin, and reason to breathe. And you, you don't have half the stomach for it, so you go and you make nice with Olivia Pope. Get her back, or you can find another sausage maker.
Fitz: Ms.Pope? Ms. Pope, wait. I, I apologize for firing you.
Olivia: Why?
Fitz: Why do I apologize?
Olivia: Why did you fire me? I had a job, a paying job, from which I took a leave of absence to do a favor for my friend Cyrus because I am good. I am brilliant. I would eat, breathe, and live Fitzgerald Grant every minute of every day. You would be lucky to have me. Just because you don't like hearing the truth about yourself-
Fitz: I loved hearing what you had to say. I agree with every word. Very astute. And you're right. I would be lucky to have you. Look ...
Olivia: This is why you fired me ...
Fitz: Can we just...?
Olivia: Go back in there and work.
Fitz: Okay.
Olivia: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PANCAKE BREAKFAST / OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT
Fitz: Oh, it's perfect to meet you. Yeah, thank you for having us. How are you, Sally? Hi.
Olivia: Put down the butter.
Abby: I don't know what you're talking about.
Olivia: I can hear my mixer again, Abby. Butter won't fix it.
Abby: So are you a rabid Republican yet? Hello? Liv?
Olivia: He's got ... something I can work with.
Abby: Go to it then. You don't have to check on me every day. I'm not deranged. I'm just divorced.
Olivia: So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out of my kitchen. Call my friend Stephen. He's fun.
Abby: Stop trying to get laid. Maybe I'll buy a gun.
Olivia: Ohh-kay. Bye!
Cyrus: Ooh, he's good, our boy. You'd never know he's dying to rip Langston's throat out.
Olivia: If only he were that good at faking it with his wife we wouldn't be losing.
Amanda: Schedule of events?
Olivia: Thanks.
Cyrus: What's your name?
Amanda: Amanda.
Cyrus: Thanks, Amanda. I don't care which campaign you're volunteering for, I want to thank you for coming out today.
[SCENE_BREAK]
US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
David: Alissa, cancel your plans. We're working late tonight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT
Quinn: Mm. This is really good.
Gideon: I know.
Quinn: No, I mean like award-winning good, like you should quit your job. 'Cause let's face it, you're kind of a crap reporter.
Gideon: Mm-hmm.
Quinn: Go out on the road in your car and sell this grilled cheese. Wait. You have a car, right? 'Cause I can't date you if you don't have a car.
Gideon: I have a car. I also ... I have ... A deadline tomorrow.
Quinn: Oh. Yeah, I sh- I'm sorry. I should go.
Gideon: No. No. I didn't mean that. You shouldn't go. You should stay. I just have to work for a couple of hours, but you should stay here, naked. And beautiful. And here, in my bed. Stay here. Please.
[SCENE_BREAK]
US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
David: Ah, did you get moo shu chicken? No wonder it took you so long. How do you even walk in those?
Alissa: I got whatever you ordered. And these shoes aren't made for walking. They are made for getting me laid, specifically, they are for the very hot bartender at the Black Cat, where I would be having a drink right now if I didn't happen to work for an obsessive-compulsive slave driver who makes me fetch him dinner at 10:30 on a Thursday night.
David: You know, if you spent less time at the Black Cat and more time studying for the bar exam, you wouldn't be fetching your boss anything because at law firms, they have assistants for that.
Alissa: Lots of lawyers fail the bar.
David: All lawyers pass the bar. That's what makes them lawyers. Alissa, eat something. We have a murder to solve.
Alissa: No, we don't. Coroner says it's a suicide, and the police agree with her, which is why I went home two hours ago, because work was over.
David: Amanda Tanner. 27. Single. 13 weeks pregnant. Worked as an aide at the Grant White House till just a couple weeks ago when she abruptly resigned and botched a suicide attempt. Then she becomes a client of Olivia Pope's, and we pull her dead body out of the river. Don't you find that interesting? Well, pretend you do, for me. Now if you did happen to find any of this remotely fascinating, incongruous, intriguing, worthy of our time, what's the first question you might ask about Amanda Tanner?
Alissa: Well, um, who in the White House would want her dead?
[SCENE_BREAK]
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP
Mellie: You canceled all our events for the next two days? Yes.
Fitz: The primary's in less than a week. We can't miss two days of campaigning.
Cyrus: New Hampshire's a small state.
Mellie: I have a literacy fund-raiser in nashua tomorrow. I can't possibly cancel that.
Olivia: That's why I canceled it for you.
Mellie: Maybe I'm dense, but I have to confess, I don't really know what you want from us.
Olivia: First off, I'd like you to actually talk to each other.
Mellie: We talk all the time, Ms. Pope. Not to each other, you don't. House parties, town hall meetings, baseball games you barely look at each other.
Mellie: Fine. We will add a couple of events to the schedule where we are together.
Olivia: That won't do it. You two need to be a couple. A believable, loving, dedicated couple. Or you might as we throw it in right now. Why don't we give you two a moment?
Fitz: Why are you fighting this? It's what you wanted. It's what you've always wanted.
Mellie: What I wanted? You are the one running for President.
Fitz: Oh, please, like you're not running for First Lady? You're dying to get into that White House. You're practically redecorating already.
Mellie: Okay, there it is. I am the ambitious monster. I'm the Iron Lady. I have done everything for you! I have sacrificed my career for you. I have had kids for you. There is not a single thing in my life I have not given up so that you could be President!
Fitz: I never asked you for any of that.
Mellie: And all I get in turn is this perpetual resentment!
Fitz: So what would you prefer? That I ignore you? That we don't talk at all? 'Cause that's pretty much how it's been the past few years, and that's worked okay.
Mellie: Now you're just being juvenile.
Fitz: Look, we BOTH know...
Cyrus: This is why they don't talk to each other.
Fitz: No ... 'Cause you're afraid it would get out and kill us politically.
Mellie: If they found out, we'd be dead in the water!
Fitz: Fine! Then if living on Pennsylvania Avenue is that important to you, we better suck it up and start acting like this isn't a dead marriage!
[SCENE_BREAK]
OUTSIDE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP
James: Governor, you're 5 points down in New Hampshire. Taking time out from the primary for a parent-teacher conference isn't that a little risky?
Fitz: If it's a choice between losing touch with your family and losing a primary. That's not really a choice, is it?
[SCENE_BREAK]
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PREPARATION
Olivia: You can't wear this tie on morning TV.
Fitz: What?
Olivia: It's too distracting. Take it off. Give me your tie, please. Give me your tie. Take it off. Off, off, off, off. Thank you. Okay.
Fitz: You decide who you're voting for?
Olivia: I'm apolitical.
Fitz: You don't sleep, you rip ties off innocent bystanders for me, you're killing yourself 24/7 to get me elected, and I don't even have your vote.
Olivia: Well, you're gonna need to earn it, like any other candidate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INTERVIEW WITH FITZ & MELLIE
Reporter: If my research is right, you were first in your class at Harvard Law.
Mellie: That's right. Oh, and uh, Fitz did fine, too.
Cyrus: Not bad.
Olivia: They're still not touching.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN ICE CREAM SOCIAL
Fitz: One more. There you go. One more.
Mellie: Very good job.
Olivia: That's great.
Mellie: It's your turn. It's your turn, Fitz.
Fitz: Okay, it's my turn. Mm-hmm. Delicious!
Olivia: Oh, wipe it off ... Wipe it off.
Cyrus: Wipe it off.
Olivia: Wipe it. Wipe it off. Wipe it off, Mellie. Come on.
Cyrus: Come on.
Fitz: Oh. Thank you.
Olivia: Perfect.
Mellie: Ice cream, anyone?
[SCENE_BREAK]
LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS
Sally: Ugh! Who in the holy hell is running that campaign?
Billy: As far as I know, they haven't made any official changes.
Sally: Oh, yeah? That is a big, old pile of dung, Billy Chambers, and you know it. That is not the Fitzgerald Grant I ran against in Iowa. That is a candidate, Billy. A down-home, charming, red-blooded candidate who's stealing my votes. Hell, I'm halfway to voting for him. Now I want to find out who's responsible so we can see what we're dealing with here.
Billy: I'm on it.
Sally: Billy, it is not in God's plan that I lose New Hampshire.
Billy: Senator, I promise you, we will not lose New Hampshire.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN STOP (NEW HAMPSHIRE)
Fitz: I'm a little superstitious, so we're not gonna have any victory speeches until tomorrow night, after everyone's voted. But for now, I just really want to say thank you. Okay? Thanks. It's all you guys.
Fitz: Olivia Pope I don't know how you do it.
Olivia: Oh, if we're passing out credit, Governor, you and Mellie deserve most of it. You two seem to be doing much better.
Fitz: I think you underestimate how good a politician I am.
Cyrus: We're not gonna win New Hampshire.
Fitz: What are you talking about? The polls have us up by-
Cyrus: Story's coming out in the morning paper, 6:00 A.M. They'll be reading about it over their damn coffee, right before they vote.
Olivia: What story? What's coming out?
Cyrus: Mellie's having an affair.
[SCENE_BREAK]
RESTAURANT BAR
TV: Senator Sally Langston won the New Hampshire Republican primary Tuesday, with 98% of the precincts reporting. Most attribute the voters' change of heart to new allegations that Governor Grant's wife is involved in an extramarital affair.
Billy: Now you can't blame this one on me. You did a hell of a job with those two. The thing is, this isn't a story that goes away. You know, you can't spin a dead marriage. Sally and Doug, on the other hand ... they're like a couple of teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other. It's kinda gross, actually.
Olivia: Billy Chambers.
Billy: Thanks for meeting me, Olivia.
Olivia: What do you want?
Billy: Concede before South Carolina, and we'll give you the V.P. slot.
Olivia: I'll take my check.
Billy: Come on. You and I on the same team? We'd be unstoppable. We could play the spin machine, wrangle reporters, have nice meals on the trail. Do you like barbecue?
Olivia: Are you asking me to concede or out on a date?
Billy: Maybe a little bit of both.
Olivia: I hate barbecue.
Billy: You're awfully confident for someone who's got no cards left to play.
Olivia: Oh, I always have cards left to play.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS / WASHINGTON D.C. STREET
Fitz: This is the man who's gonna save my campaign?
Olivia: Governor, if they look like weapons, they're hard to keep secret.
Huck: You're late.
Olivia: Blame this guy. Cyrus, give us a minute. Huck, are you ready to reenter the real world today?
Mellie: Is he wearing pants?
Huck: Paul Mosley. Literacy policy advisor for-
Mellie: We all know who he is. He was advising me on literacy. But that's it. End of story. I would never-
Fitz: Honey, it's not necessary. We believe you.
Huck: They were following you. Did you know that?
Mellie: What?
Huck: A guy like me, but, like, cleaner, has been following you for over seven months. Taking these photos, gathering evidence to use against you, just waiting for the chance.
Fitz: How'd you get these?
Huck: Anything digital, it's all just out there. Patterns of ones and zeros waiting to be gotten.
Cyrus: All these late night meetings it doesn't look good.
Olivia: And the story's picking up traction because Mosley's not denying it.
Cyrus: They must be paying him off.
Huck: I pulled up all his financials. His password is "literacy."
Olivia: What's he got? Swiss accounts? Cayman Islands?
Huck: Uh, just small amounts. Uh, tiny step productions. Here's another $4. 19.
Cyrus: Hardly damning. Keep looking.
Huck: Well, small payments are interesting, too.
Fitz: Why is that?
Huck: Well, he's been getting quarterly payments from Tiny Step Productions. Tiny ones going back 30 years.
Olivia: You ready to try something new?
Abby: I was thinking of going savory, but what's up?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TINY STEP PRODUCTIONS OFFICE
Abby: Excuse me.
Receptionist: Hello.
Abby: What do you do here?
Receptionist: We're a feature film company.
Abby: Oh? What kind of films?
Receptionist: Specialty films, ma'am.
Abby: Like educational or ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
OUTSIDE GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS
Cyrus: No way!
James: No, no way what?
Cyrus: You lost your seat on the bus when you ran that Mosley- Mellie affair nonsense of a story without even running it by me.
James: I called for comment. You didn't pick up.
Cyrus: I expected more from you, James.
James: Don't bully me for doing my job, Cy. "Times" ran that story, too.
Cyrus: Claire, you're off the bus, too. Ask James why.
Fitz: Hey, Liv?
Olivia: Yeah.
Fitz: We on top of this, getting this guy to come clean?
Olivia: I'm on it.
Fitz: What does that mean, "you're on it"?
Olivia: I got a guy.
Fitz: You got a guy? Another guy? Hells angel? Mobster? A kindhearted felon who owes you a favor?
Olivia: Technically, he's on probation.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PAUL MOSLEY'S HOUSE
TV: Don't forget the little pinkie toe. Mm! Mwah! Mm!
Harrison: Toe sucking not my thing, but I admire the technique, no matter the application. And you, Paul Mosley, a.k.a. Brock
"The Mouth" Stone hahaha! You got mad skills. You commit.
Paul: Get the hell out of my house.
Harrison: No wonder they made eight sequels of "Twinkle Toes on Parade."
Paul: I'm calling the cops.
Harrison: Save your minutes. I already did. I figured they'd need a patrol or two to manage the media circus that's gonna be tearing up your front lawn in about four minutes. You see this, your toe-sucking highness, is your golden opportunity to fervently deny any remotely romantic involvement with Mellie Grant before you are a national joke and the entire literacy community that holds you in such high esteem reads all about your lengthy and decorated career as an artist of toe-rotica. Wow! Can I get an amen, Paul?
[SCENE_BREAK]
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, SOUTH CAROLINA
Sally: We have the technology. We should aerial drone the hell out of our Southern borders and protect our legal citizens. Unless, of course, governor grant wants to open up his Santa Barbara ranch for amnesty ...
Kendal: The next question is for you, Governor Grant. Your marriage has received a lot of attention during this primary campaign. And while allegations of infidelity have been dismissed, criticism lingers amongst voters. Why do you think that is?
Cyrus: We knew it was coming.
Fitz: I think that a lot gets lost in translation between real life and packaged news footage. You can't capture 20 years of marriage in a in a snapshot. You can't capture chemistry with a photo op. I know what some people perceive and what the ... the whispers are, but ... The most honest thing that I can tell you about myself right now, Kendal, is that I'm a man in love with an incredible woman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HOTEL ELEVATOR
Cyrus: There's the man!
Crowd: Whoo!
Cyrus: Congratulations!
Crowd: Congratulations! Yeah! Uh-huh! Whoo!
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT
Gideon: Hi. This is Gideon Wallace from "The D.C. Sun." We spoke last week about Amanda Tanner in 3-B. Yes, I do know what time it is. Hey, I know it's late, but I- do you know who's looking after Amanda's dog? I think it's a golden retriever. Do you know who's watching it for her? Her boyfriend? Really?
[SCENE_BREAK]
US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
Alissa: Look at these logs. This girl is signing into the White House at the crack of dawn and signing out in the wee hours, every day. You know what I think? I think work and play overlapped. Think about it. She never goes home, so where's she doing it? The White House, that's where. Oh, like you wouldn't.
David: So she was sleeping with someone in the White House, as apparently, any red-blooded American would.
Alissa: And plus, it's gotta be someone in the parts of the West Wing she's logging into.
David: Come on.
Alissa: That totally narrows it down.
David: To 57 employees of the male persuasion. So the question remains who's her baby daddy?
Alissa: Did you just say "baby daddy"?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS
Olivia: I need the latest poll numbers for Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma.
Woman: I'm on it.
Olivia: Super Tuesday is coming, people, and it's gonna kill us if we don't stay on top of it.
Fitz: Morning.
Olivia: Good morning, Governor Grant. Did you need something?
Fitz: No, just ... no.
Olivia: Good.
Fitz: I'm married.
Olivia: I know.
Fitz: I'm running for President.
Olivia: I know.
Fitz: I can't.
Olivia: I don't want you to.
Fitz: But just stand here with me, for one minute. Let's not go back in there or talk or think or ... For one minute, we just stand here, and I'm not the candidate and you're not the campaign fixer. We're just us. One minute, for one minute. Just ... stand here with me.
Olivia: One minute.
Mellie: Oh! Liv, there you are. You've really got to look at what they have me wearing at the town hall tonight. I really think it's too much.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS
Cyrus: Just got the tracking polls for Super Tuesday. You're still down with women. They're for Sally and they're not changing their mind.
Fitz: I crushed her in that debate. The whole country saw it.
Olivia: It's hard to win over women when there's a viable female candidate in the race. We've been waiting a long time.
Fitz: So what do we do?
Cyrus: We've got the oppo on her. Three witnesses all willing to speak on the record about snorting coke at a frat party with Sally Langston, back when she was just a Tri Delt.
Olivia: It won't work. You can't nail Sally Langston on morality. Sally found God, Cyrus. Once you find God, all is forgiven. That's kind of the point.
Cyrus: No, the point is we can't win without women.
Fitz: No. You take the opposition research and you put it in the garbage. We're playing the rest of the game above board, win or lose.
Cyrus: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN EVENT, GEORGIA
Fitz: And that's exactly why I think deregulation is a good thing, like this pie. Do y'all really get to eat this all the time?
'Cause if you do, I'll have to spend a lot more time down here.
Mellie: I'm sorry. I just I can't do this anymore.
Fitz: Mel?
Mellie: It's okay, honey, I just I need to say it. Um ... A few months ago, Fitz and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child. And we were so thrilled, so excited to bring a new life into our family. But campaigns can be so stressful, and I guess uh- I guess my body just couldn't handle it. And I lost our baby. Even though it was only eight weeks ... It was a baby and it was a member of our family and I have grieved for the loss of our child every day since. And I know that many of you have sensed, um, I don't know, distance between me and Fitz during the campaign, while we have struggled through this terrible experience as best we could. And I should say- Fitz wanted to quit to give us time to take care of each other, but I wouldn't let him, because I truly believe that he is the best person to be President of the United States, and I couldn't let our loss stand in the way of that.
Mellie: I think that ought to take care of it, don't you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT
Gideon: Hey, Marco. How's the night shift treating you? Cool. Did you get that coroner's report yet? Seriously? How far along? Hi. Gideon Wallace. "D.C. Sun." Yeah, that's right. I called before. No, I didn't know you needed to be at work in an hour. Do you know Amanda's boyfriend? He's watching her dog? Works at the White House. You don't know his name? Lives in Logan Circle. All right. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
Alissa: Old. Old. Ugly. Psycho eyes. Ugly. Old. Old.
David: I have learned so much tonight.
Alissa: What about this guy? Robert Sullivan. Deputy Assistant to the President for Homeland Security.
David: Why him?
Alissa: He's cute. But look at that smile. He could totally be a killer.
David: You think whoever knocked her up was also the one who killed her?
Alissa: Of course. It's always the boyfriend.
David: Of course.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS
Olivia: I was sorry to hear about your loss. Are you...? Is Mellie okay? If she needs to take a break from the campaign, I'm sure we could-
Fitz: Mellie's fine. She flew to Alabama. She's doing twelve campaign stops in two days. She's thrilled. Nothing keeps that woman down, not even a fake miscarriage. She's a real catch, my wife. I'm a lucky man.
Olivia: I'm sorry.
Fitz: Oh, God. Please don't. Don't be nice to me. I'm sitting here complaining to you about my wife, which is sleazy and low and not fair to you and the oldest trick in the book. Suddenly I'm looking down at myself and I'm ... How did I get here? Why didn't I meet you sooner? What kind of a coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up?
Olivia: Governor Grant ...
Fitz: Oh, for God sake, we are so far beyond the "Governor Grant" crap. Just say my name.
Olivia: That's crossing the line. It would be inappropriate.
Fitz: Then let's be inappropriate. Say my name.
Olivia: Fitz.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HOTEL HALLWAY / HOTEL ROOM / UNKNOWN LOCATION
Cyrus: This is me. How early are we starting tomorrow?
Olivia: 6 AM pancake breakfast at the Baptist church and a prayer meeting.
Cyrus: I can already feel the holy water burning my pagan flesh. Night.
Fitz: Night.
Olivia: Good night.
Olivia: This is me.
Fitz: I'm down there. Just go in your room and close the door, and we'll pretend this never happened. Go in your room.
Fitz: Take off your clothes. (You're doing fine)
Man: Yeah, I think I got something. Some woman. Nah, you can't tell who it is. They're not exactly talking. Yep. I'll send it your way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS
Delivery Guy: This goes to your boss.
Amanda: Sorry to interrupt. This just came for you.
Billy: Thank you. I'm sorry. What's your name again? There's so many new people around here, I keep losing track.
Amanda: Amanda. Tanner. And please, no worries. I'm just happy to be here. I'm a huge fan of Senator Langston.
Billy: Amanda. I won't forget this time. I promise.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT
CD (Fitz): Take off your clothes.
Olivia: Cyrus got this? In the mail? Someone's had this for two years. Why wait? Why now?
Fitz: All they had was a tape and a voice. They needed the voice. They needed a girl.
Olivia: They needed Amanda Tanner.
[SCENE_BREAK]
US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
Alissa: If the baby's blood type is A, and Amanda's is B, then the father has to be either type A or type AB. We could subpoena the White House personnel files for the blood types.
David: Alissa, we don't have enough to subpoena anyone for anything.
Alissa: UGH but we are so close.
David: We're not close. We have a suicide and a hunch. Go home.
Alissa: What?
David: Get some sleep. Study for the bar. Go shoe shopping. Sorry I kept you up all night on a wild nothing.
Alissa: David?
David: Yeah?
Alissa: I'm not. Good night.
David: Night.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT
Gideon: Hi. Uh, this is Gideon Wallace with "The D.C. Sun." I'd like to speak to Chief of Staff Chambers, please. Oh, you answer your own phone. Cool. Uh, I'm calling to get a quote for a story I'm working on.
Quinn: I'm gonna run out and grab some bagels.
Gideon: Right. Okay. Well, it's about your relationship with Amanda Tanner.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HQ
Sally: Thank you, Governor. Billy.
Billy: Don't thank me until you hear it.
Sally: That was Governor Grant. I've just accepted his offer to be his V.P. Billy, we were creamed on Super Tuesday. We are out of options.
Billy: So what? We just ... no. No! He is a philandering faux conservative who will destroy everything, every single thing that we have promised to millions of people, honest Americans. What are we gonna say to them?
Sally: Tell 'em to vote. Vote Grant-Langston.
Billy: This makes super Tuesday nothing, a blip. Just listen. All right, not for me, but for the future of our country.
Sally: Matthew 13:24. There's a parable about a group of enemies who plant bad seeds amongst the good ones to ruin the crops. The farmer notices weeds growing amongst the fruit. The servants ask the farmer if they should round up the weeds before the harvest, and what does the farmer say?
Billy: "Let them grow together."
Sally: One day, God will burn the weeds and save the fruit, Billy, but for now, let 'em grow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT
Olivia: You need to get back to the White House before the press corps comes in.
Fitz: Mm. I've imagined your place a thousand times. I like it. It's very you.
Olivia: Yeah. Living alone has its perks.
Fitz: I should go.
Olivia: You should go.
Fitz: Oh. One minute?
Olivia: Yeah. One minute.
Fitz: Good-bye, Livvie.
Olivia: Good-bye, Mr. President.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT
Gideon: Amanda Tanner worked in the West Wing with you. There's pictures of the two of you including several with her dog.
Billy: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Can we just get right to the point here, Gideon? What are you saying exactly?
Gideon: I think you had a relationship with Amanda. I think you were her boyfriend.
Billy: Is that it? Is that your big discovery, that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? That we held hands? Went steady?
Gideon: If I were the Vice President's Chief of Staff, that's not something that I would want people to know, especially considering that she-
Billy: Morons.
Gideon: What?
Billy: I'm surrounded by morons. Huge, clueless morons.
Gideon: I've got a story here.
Billy: Yeah, genius, you do, only it's the wrong one. I'm not the story. The President's the story. The President is the one who slept with Amanda Tanner. I was your source in the White House. I sent you the pictures of Amanda and the President and the stupid dog. I sent you the West Wing logs. She visited him practically every day. Dear God, man, I did everything except draw you a picture of their stick figures doing it! All you had to do was put two and two together. What is it with people? Why are they so freaking stupid?! You, Amanda. It was an easy script for both of you. Big letters, small words. You could- you could follow it in your sleep.
Gideon: Oh, my God. You sent her in to sleep with the President.
Billy: "Oh, my God." You call yourself a journalist? You're a joke. You could have been the next Woodward and Bernstein and the best you can do is tell everyone that I had a relationship with a crazy dead girl? Good luck with that story.
Gideon: That's not all I came up with.
Billy: You're an idiot. Whatever you say, I'll just deny it. This conversation never happened.
Gideon: According to the coroner's report, Amanda was 13 weeks pregnant. I bet it's your baby. I may be a joke, but "Dead White House Intern Was Carrying V.P. Aide's Love Child" that sure sounds like a story to me. I even have a copy of the coroner's report if you want to see it. Gotta believe they can run a DNA match between you and a fetus. This conversation might be easy to deny, but that sure as hell wouldn't be, would it? Let me just see where I put that. I'll show you. Aah! Oh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
GRANT-LANGSTON PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE
Fitz: It is my honor to have Senator Langston's conviction and strong sense of justice by my side. And with your support, we are gonna take the White House in November and we are gonna bring America the change it's been waiting for!


(In 1988, a little boy is reading a book)
Ted from 2030: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question.
Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?
Dr. Birnholz: So you want to be an anthropologist?
Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did.
Ted from 2030: What she said next changed his life.
Dr. Birnholz: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dead by then...
[in 2006]
Marshall:...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out.
Ted: So you don't want coffee.
Marshall: I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...
Ted: All right. I'm pouring it out.
Marshall: Okay, one cup. The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything.
Ted: I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. "The kid" has become "the man."
Marshall: Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC. They're gonna stop global warming.
Ted from 2030: Well... I mean... they did their best.
Lily: Here's your sack lunch.
Marshall: Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack".
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow.
Marshall: I love you.
Ted: I love you too, Marshmallow.
Marshall: Uh-oh. Ted?
Ted: Oh, no. No, she didn't.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Ted: Another care package?
Ted from 2030: Another care package. I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month. Long-distance relationships are a bad idea.
Marshall: How many is that so far?
Ted: Three.
Lily: And how many have you sent her?
Ted: In the mail or in my mind? Zero. She's up three-zip. Oh! Cupcakes! Great. I bet they're delicious, too. Yup, they're delicious. Damn it! I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. God, I hate myself right now.
Marshall: God, that is so me at 15.
Ted from 2030: Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel. Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls. I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things... But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department because he knew someone who worked there.
Barney's office
(Barney's on the phone)
Barney: Go for Barney.
Voice: Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security. Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building.
Barney: A sasquatch?
Voice: That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor.
Barney: Yes! Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction.
Marshall: Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters.
Barney: Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness...
Marshall: There's one for awesomeness?
Barney: Yeah, I had it made. Sit.
Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: Please.
Man #1: My dawg!
Man #2: My dawg!
Barney: Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. You're gonna be working with them.
Marshall: Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
Bilson: Nice tie. Steak sauce.
Blauman: Oh, steak sauce! For true, though.
Marshall: Where, I don't, I don't see...
Barney: Marshall? Sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. Ding dong! What? The doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door?
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so--
Bilson: Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: We're still engaged, even if she's...
Bilson: Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.
The Bar
Ted: Sure you don't want one?
Robin: How many of those have you eaten?
Ted: Four. Teen. No, just four. And the icing from two more. So, anyway, here's the problem.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great. Here, listen... Mmm. Mmm!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... And... I said something dumb.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago. And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie.
Robin: Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
Robin: All right, here's what you do: Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain... and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready? From three days ago.
Ted: That's brilliant. You're brilliant. You know, it's funny, not so long ago, I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you.
Robin: That is funny.
Ted from 2030: And here's why it was funny.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me.
Robin: Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like.
Robin: The irony is clear, Ted.
The appartment
Lily: Hey! How was your first day?
Marshall: I don't wanna talk about it. The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
Lily: What?
Marshall: They're jerks!
Lily: What makes them jerks?
Marshall: Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. Well, like today at lunch..
[FLASHBACK]
Bilson: What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch?
Marshall: For your information, my fiancee did.
Blauman: Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?
Marshall: No.
Blauman: What's that?
Marshall: Nothing. Give it.
Bilson: "Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad."
Marshall: Give it.
Bilson: P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it."
Marshall: Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable.
Marshall: I know. God. It's like freshman year all over again. Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be enough to win them over. Not even Old Reliable.
Lily: Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money, but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
The Bar
Marshall: I quit.
Barney: What? No. We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great.
Marshall: We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... Seriously, what is it that you do?
Barney: Please.
Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me.
Barney: Oh, of course it's not for you. It's for Lily.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Marshall. Lily's a catch. But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package?
Marshall: The package?
Barney: The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. A vacation once in a while.
Marshall: Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
Barney: Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying beaver.
Marshall: She'll be happy.
Barney: Okay. But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier.
At Marshall's work
Bilson: And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: I guess, uh... Bea Arthur.
Bilson: Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
The Bar
Robin: So, did she get the awesome care package yet?
Ted: Yep. Yesterday.
Robin: Did she love it?
Ted: Ooh, she loved it.
Robin: So what's the problem?
Ted: So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually you just run out of stuff to say.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: What did you have for lunch today? Oh. Rye bread. Yeah.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. Maybe it just can't be do. I think it's clear what I have to do.
Robin: It's pretty clear.
Ted: I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
Robin: Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man!
Barney's office
Marshall: Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?
Barney: Marshall, consider the penguins.
Marshall: The penguins?
Barney: On the wall.
Marshall: "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." This is a motivational poster?
Barney: Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different. Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier.
[SCENE_BREAK]
The appartment
Lily: Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational.
Marshall: Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?
Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure.
Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it.
Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.
Marshall: I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure.
Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.
Lily: Good boy.
Ted from 2030: And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, and that meant gorilla lessons.
The Bar
Barney: Okay, I'm psyched about this. But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too.
Marshall: Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched.
Barney: Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. Show it.
Marshall: I'm psyched!
Barney: What was that? Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was really specific.
Barney: Show me you're psyched! Let's do this! Ow! That hurt!
Marshall: So badly.
Barney: And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done.
Marshall: Right. Get what done?
Barney: Whatever.
Marshall: Cool. And what guy is this?
Barney: There's always a guy.
Marshall: Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready.
Barney: You sure? You want to practice your story one more time?
Marshall: All right. So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport......and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, bruh.
Blauman: Eriksen...that was steak sauce!
Bilson: Great story.
The appartment
Ted from 2030: The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail.
Ted: Uh-oh.
The Bar
Victoria's voice: "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. This long-distance thing sucks, huh? Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." So?
Ted: So she's going to dump me. Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," and then follow it up with something good? It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. What else can it be? What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
Robin: I cut off all my fingers? Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, I'm even more confident. I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you.
Ted: Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?
Robin: I'd wait.
The Appartment
(Marshall is on the phone, Lily is painting)
Marshall: 'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here. We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
Lily: Okay...what do you think?
Marshall: Steak sauce.
Lily: Steak sauce?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here.
Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...
Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces. I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: Because you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame.
Marshall: Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that. Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay?
Lily: Okay.
At the karaoke
Blauman: But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. What do you do? Go.
Bilson: Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week. Yeah.
Lily: You're right. They're delightful.
Marshall: So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
Barney: Nah. I'm so over karaoke.
Marshall: Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
Barney: Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
Lily: Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Bilson: What?
Marshall: "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee.
Bilson: No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath.
Lily: Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine.
Marshall: "Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man."
Blauman: Steak sauce.
Bilson: Steak sauce, dude.
Blauman: Should we tell him? All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. When you graduate, we want you working with us. What do you say? Yes!
Bilson: That's my man!
Blauman: I told you he would. Aw, we're gonna own the office.
Lily: Okay, that was gross. When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path?
Marshall: Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting. I know that you say you don't need it, but... I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package?! You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package.
Robin's work place
(Robin is on the phone with Ted)
Robin: Hello.
Ted: Why hasn't she called yet?
Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.
Ted: No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership.
Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome.
Ted: Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. Break a leg.
Ted from 2030: And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me.
Ted: I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.
At the karaoke
(Ted arrives)
Barney, singing: *He's giving you the blues. You want to graduate, but not in his bed. Here's what you got to do Pick up the phone...*
Ted: Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, hey.
Ted: Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. How you doing?
Ted: I think Victoria's about to break up with me.
Marshall: Oh, God, I'm sorry, man.
Ted: Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. Like, I remember how she makes me feel. I just... I don't completely remember her. It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone.
Marshall: Preserving something that's already gone. Sounds like environmental law.
Ted: I don't know. We struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. And that's really noble, but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are you going to park your car?
Barney, singing: *Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow. Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap...* Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...?
(Marshall says something to Barney, who then passes him the microphone)
Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad.
Marshall: *Don't go breakin' my heart*
Lily: *I couldn't if I tried*
Marshall: *Honey, if I get restless*
Lily: *Baby, you're not that kind...*
Ted from 2030: It turns out some things are worth preserving. But here's the real question: It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, who was supposed to call four hours ago. And then the phone rings.
Ted: Hello.
Robin: Hi, Ted. It's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh, do you want to come over?
Ted from 2030: What do you do? Go.


Lina:You're going, and that's it.
Russ: Oh, my God. I got your stupid vasectomy. Isn't that enough?
Lina: No. You've blown off three follow-up appointments.
Russ: I don't need a follow-up visit. I know that it worked.
Lina: How could you possibly know that?
Russ: Because I... eyeballed it.
Lina: What?
Russ: My stuff. It's practically clear. Seriously, you could store contact lenses in it.
Lina: I am moving on. I'm getting rid of all the baby stuff from the garage. Do you think that's easy for me?
Russ: Even that bassinet? Even the bassinet. You need to move on, too.
Russ: I just don't want to be told that I have meaningless semen.
Lina: If you want to get anywhere near any of this... You're gonna have to take care of that.
S01E06
Russ: I thought you took lessons.
Frankie: I'm still scared.
(Frankie whimpers) Russ: I want a refund, then. Get this on.
Girl: What are you doing? Everybody can see you.
Girl 2: What's the big deal? Nobody's here.
(Indistinct chatter, laughter)
Russ: Can I ask you something?
Am I invisible?
Shepard: I don't know what that means.
Lina: He's been upset because some girls changed in front of him.
Shepard: Say what?
AJ: Boobs or beaver?
Russ: That's not the point.
Shepard: N-no, I-I'm gonna allow that.
Russ: They didn't care what I saw.
Shepard: Oh. Well, God bless you.
AJ: No, no, no. I see... I see your point, here. I mean, for all she knows, you're-you're a rapist. You're a...
Russ: Yeah. AJ:...sick, sexual maniac who follows her home, studies her patterns. Maybe you borrow a uniform from an old cop buddy who owes you a favor. "Is there a problem, officer?" Rag. Ether. Nightmare.
Russ: Yeah, I... I think I-I was just trying to say, like, I-I want women to feel uncomfortable changing around me. Is that so much to ask?
Lina: I'm uncomfortable changing in front of you. (Phone ringing)
Shepard: Tammy. Mind if I...?
Jess: Get it? No, please, get it. Yeah.
Shepard: Hey, Tammy, what's up? Okay.
Lina: Who's Tammy?
Jess: Tammy is a musician that Shep has been working with.
Lina: So he's getting back into the music business?
Jess: I don't know. Maybe. It's just nice to see him, uh, excited. It's a nice change from his super-intense depression. And I just feel like it's so great to see him get off the couch and go to work and... Put on pants.
Lina: Right.
AJ: Pants are for losers. You're wearing pants right now, dude.
Lina: Yeah.
AJ: Not up here.
Shepard: Right. No, it's on ventura. No, but come around the back. Right. And they can, they can set up whenever they get there. Yeah, we'll all be there. All right. Great. All right, buddy. See you tomorrow. Hey, just got some great musicians for Tammy's session tomorrow. It's gonna sound really, really good.
Jess: Do you know that when you work, it makes me so hot?
Shepard: Really? How hot?
Jess: Well, let's say probably about doggy-style hot. I-I don't want to put on the knee brace.
Jess: Uh-huh. 'Cause it pulls. You know, it's not... All right, doggy it is.
Didi: Bowman?
Russ: Hey.
Didi: You have a co-pay of $550.
Russ: Sounds right.
Didi: You need to pay it.
Russ: Totally.
Didi: Today.
Russ: Oh. I don't... I don't have that kind of cash on me.
Didi: Oh, we take credit cards.
Russ: Well, I have the cards, but... not the credit. You're going to have to pay the balance of this procedure.
Russ: Yeah, I'll pay it. Just not today.
Didi: Let's reschedule, then. We'll get something on the books after the payment is all squared away.
Russ: All right. Have a great day.
Child: My name is Albert Einstein and I was born in Germany in 1879. I developed the theory of relativity.
Russ (Whispering): Look, it's not my fault, okay? We tried. It's over.
Lina: Seriously? What is wrong with you?
Russ: I'm invisible?
Lina: Here's what you're going to do. You're gonna go back in that office, and write down that woman's name and scare the sh1t out of her.
Russ: How? Tell her that your wife already sent the check and if they don't see you right away, that you're gonna stop payment on it and let it go to collections. Tell her that.
Russ: You're getting pretty good at this.
Lina: No, being broke makes you crafty.
Russ: So then why don't you come with me and then you can do the talking.
Lina: I can't. I have to take the baby stuff today.
Russ: Come on. I... Don't make me go back to that cock-butcher.
Father: You guys want to take this outside?
Russ: I'm sorry. We're so sorry.
Lina (Whispers): Sorry.
Russ: Your son looks great.
Lina: It's his daughter.
Russ: It's your daughter. Look... she looks great. You're going back to the cock-butcher.
Russ: Hey, I never got your name.
Didi: Didi.
Russ: Oh, great name. So, Didi, there was a mix-up before. Uh, it turns out my wife already sent the check. Really?
Russ: But if I don't see the doctor right now, we're gonna cancel the payment. And then it will go to collections, Didi. And they will call us and I will be forced to mention your name. Didi. So you'd better polish your résumé. Because you'll get fired.
Didi: Why would I get fired?
Russ: Because they'll call. And they'll know. I don't know. I... it made sense when my wife said it. I just need to see the doctor right now, okay? Hello? Didi... please? Oh, what am I, invisible now?
Doctor: Who says you're invisible? I see you standing right there, Mr. Bowman.
Russ: Thank you, doctor.
(Didi sighs)
Lina: Bye-bye, baby sh1t. (Grunts)
Hi. Whew. Lot of memories here.
Employee: Okay, you just have to estimate how much this stuff cost you.
Lina: Um... my youth. Every time I cough, I pee a little.
Employee: I'll write down "$50."
Lina: Can I ask you a question? Who gets this stuff?
Employee: Regular people. People who need it.
Lina: Do you think that I could meet the person who gets my stuff? I'd love to put a face with a, you know...
Employee: Doesn't really work like that. (Gasps)
Lina: I think I'm gonna need a minute.
Shepard: She'll be here soon. Well, how long do you have the studio?
Shepard: I'm... by the hour.
Jess (Chuckling): Okay.
Shepard: So whenever she gets here, we'll... that's when we'll go. (Phone rings) Oh, hey, could be her. And it is. Hey. What's up?
Jess: Sorry. (Chuckles) Trust me, this is worth it. She's really hot. She has the talent of a much uglier girl.
Shepard: That's... Well, listen, that's your call. You-you do what you guys need. Uh-huh. "Oh, that's all right. So, you feel better?" She says, "no, 'cause I've been throwing up. I've been throwing up for the last couple of days."
Jess: Uh-huh. So I said, "hey, what are you, pregnant?" Guess what.
Jess: No. She's pregnant?
Shepard: She's pregnant. She and her boyfriend are gonna take the kid. They're gonna raise the kid in Iowa. So they're going to Iowa.
Jess: That's gonna ruin her career.
Shepard: What do you want me to do?
Jess: Oh, my God, you know what you need to do.
Shepard: No, I don't. I don't know what I need to do.
Jess: Tell her to get rid of it.
Shepard: The baby. Get rid of the... That's what I should tell her?
Jess: Yeah, look at how happy you are. You love working with this girl.
Shepard: I didn't love it.
Jess: Yes, you did, and you haven't... you...
Shepard: It was fun, it was fun.
Jess: Oh, my God, you haven't been this happy since you left the label. All right, she's a good singer; I was trying to help her out, but it's over.
Jess: No.
Shepard: So that's okay. It's over.
Jess: Don't just do that.
Shepard: Now it's over.
Jess: Tell her about Liz Phair's abortion. I don't know what you're saying now. Tell her that right before Liz Phair was, like, about to break out, she got pregnant, but then you talked about it, and you arranged for her to get an abortion, and then nine months later...
(Blows raspberry) You know, she's a hit instead of a mother. (Chuckles)
Shepard: That never happened.
Jess: That-that... just, PJ Harvey then, if that makes more sense to you.
I never met PJ Harvey, none of...
Jess: She probably doesn't even know who that is, either. She'll be embarrassed to ask. Okay, what is wrong with you? These... this is crazy.
Jess: Nothing is wrong with me.
Shepard: There's nothing to say to her. She wants... it's her life. It's her life, so she...
Jess: Tell her that having kids is gonna ruin her life. So our little baby boy is ruining your life?
Jess: No, he's not ruining my... you're ruining my life.
Shepard: Okay.
Jess: Don't do this. I know what you're thinking, and that's, you know...
Shepard: Really? What am I thinking? You need to do it, do your thing, fine.
Shepard: Can I just say, a lot of the sh1t that comes out of your mouth cannot go back in.
Jess: You could just get on the phone and just, like, talk to her is all I'm saying.
Shepard: You know what?
Jess: You could just put in the effort and do that. I'm gonna talk to her, okay. Try-try to not talk now. Do me that favor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Doctor: Okay, let's see. Mm-hmm. Well, the good news is, the incision healed nicely. Everything looks perfectly boring.
Russ: Boring? Boring is good. Boring is what you want. Just one thing left to do.
Russ: Shots?
Doctor: Semen. (Groans)
(Indistinct conversations)
Hey, where do I go? I got to give this...
Father: One-sixth of 12.
Daughter: Two.
Father: Let's do two-fifths of 100.
Russ: Really? Right here?
Didi: Be sure to lock the door.
Father: Are you asking me or are you telling me?
Daughter: 21.
Father: 21. Okay, one-sixth of 12.
Daughter: Two.
Father: Three-quarters of 100.
Daughter: 75. (Sighs)
(Muffled conversations)
Daughter: I divide the circumference by pi, right?
Father: That's right.
Daughter: But then how do I get the area?
Father: Okay, for the area, it's pi times 2r. See, we just multiply the diameter by pi.
Russ: That's wrong. Father: What about this here? A third of 15.
Daughter: Five.
Oh, the hell with this. It isn't gonna work.
Father: One-half of 20?
Daughter: Uh, ten.
Didi: You all set?
Russ: No, I haven't even started. I'm having a little trouble with the, well, the materials.
Didi: What kind of trouble?
Russ: It's just the magazines. They're soft-core. I just, I... It's my second favorite core.
Didi: Don't they have a DVD?
Russ: Yeah, it's lesbians. Lesbian p0rn just makes me feel like a third wheel, you know? It's like, what do they need me for? I'm just gonna get in the way. If you have anything, you know, like, under the desk or in a box or something, with dudes and chicks, that'd be awesome, but no gang bangs, okay? No threesomes. Nothing in a moving vehicle, okay? Because I get carsick.
Didi: Do you want to come back at another time and bring your own materials?
Russ: Oh. All right, I got this. Excuse me, do you mind keeping it down, okay? I just, I have a... I have a meeting in there, so...
Father: She has a test tomorrow.
Russ: This is an important meeting.
Father: Well, this is an important test.
Russ: Maybe a little help, Didi?
Father: Third of 15.
Daughter: Five.
Father: One-half of ten.
Daughter: Five.
(Horn honking) (Phone ringing)
Lina: What's up?
Russ: Hey, I need your help.
Lina: They still wouldn't see you?
Russ: No, I got in. I just... I need you to take me home.
Lina: What?
Russ: What are you wearing?
Lina: Russ, no. I'm not having phone s*x with you.
I'm in a thrift store.
Russ: Lina, seriously, come on. The p0rn here sucks, okay? And there's some asshole in the lobby doing homework with his daughter.
Lina: This is so unfair.
Russ: I don't care. I just... I need you to do something, okay? I did your script, now you do mine.
Lina: No, this is not a good time. I just handed over the bassinet. It's official. No more babies. Now I have to figure out my life. I'm just, I can't. Well, can we figure it out after I come?
(Sighs)
Lina: What do you want me to say?
Russ: Well, first change your attitude.
Lina (Softly): What do you want me to say?
Russ: There you go. I got my shorts off. You're naked.
I want you to tell me how I'm gonna enter you.
Lina: Regular. No, wrong, okay? Today we do my positions.
Lina: Oh, we're gonna be here all day.
Russ: Just... start cowgirl, okay, and then reverse it.
Lina (Weakly): Yee-haw.
Russ: Lina, please, I'm in a room right off of a... lobby with people right on the other side.
Lina: Okay, okay, fine. So, I push you down on the bed.
Russ: Okay, good. And then I climb up on top of you...
Russ: Okay. Lina:...and put you inside me. Yeah, and my hands are all over your...
Lina: Oh, yeah, you're grabbing my ass. Russ:...tits, yeah.
Lina: I mean my tits, yeah, that's right.
Russ: Yeah, that's good.
Lina: Now I'm sitting on top of you and... Oh, you're so deep.
Russ: Yeah, put it inside.
Lina: Oh, my God.
Man: How much is this jacket? There's no sticker. Yeah, I don't work here, sorry, dude.
Russ: Who was that?
Lina: You don't know him. Okay, where were we?
Russ: Uh, you were riding me.
Lina: Okay, right, so I'm riding you. I'm riding you so hard.
Russ: That's good, yeah.
Lina: It feels so good, I'm digging my fingernails into your shoulders.
Russ: Yeah, it feels good.
Lina: Yeah, it does?
Russ: Yeah.
Lina: Yeah, you like that?
Russ: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lina: Okay, so now you're, you're sliding in and out of me, and... oh, I'm so wet. And you put your finger in my butt.
Lina: Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, come, baby. Come on, that's right.
Russ: I want to come inside you.
Lina: Okay, yeah.
Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put another baby in you...
Lina: No, you're not. Russ, no!
Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna make a baby.
Lina: Russ, knock it off!
Russ: That's it! Aw, you're gonna be so pregnant!
Lina: You're being weird.
Russ: Aw! Lina, come on!
Lina: You come on! We're not doing that anymore. It's weird.
Russ: Why can't I just pretend?
Lina: I don't want to.
Russ: I just need to feel like I'm still... dangerous. Or something.
(Sighs)
Lina: I get it. Okay.
Okay, so, so I'm riding you.
Russ: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you. Yeah.
Lina: Yeah, you are, yes. Baby, I want you to come inside me. I want you to, I want you to shoot it up inside me.
Russ: Uh-huh, I'm gonna shoot it so deep.
Lina: You're gonna make me so pregnant... oh, my God!
Russ: I'm gonna make you so pregnant! That's it. I want you to make me so pregnant. Can you do that for me? Can you? Can you? Can you put a baby in me?
Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you.
Lina: Do it! Come inside me. I want you to make a baby. That's right, yeah. Get me pregnant, come on. Come on, get me so pregnant. Oh, God, yeah!
Russ: Yeah, keep going. Don't stop.
Lina: Shoot all over my eggs, come on! Yeah, I'm gonna shoot on your eggs. Oh, my cum's going on your eggs!
Lina: Okay? You make me pregnant? Will you knock me up?
Russ: I'm gonna make you pregnant! I'm gonna make you pregnant! Oh!
Lina: Make a baby, yeah!
Russ: Oh! Okay.
(Moaning)
Oh, wow. Please tell me you got it in the cup.
Russ: I think I did. I think most of it. Oh, my God.
Father: The area is pi times 2r. Okay. All right, I'll see you at home. We need waffles.
Russ: Okay.
Daughter: Diameter...
Father: Mm-hmm. Daughter:...is pi, right?
Father: Yeah, that's right. Could you remind me how to get the area?
Russ: Might be a little spicy. I had chorizo for lunch. Oh, and by the way, the area of a circle is pi-r-squared. Duh.
Father: The r, that's the r.
Daughter: Oh.
Lina: You bought my bassinet.
Woman: Who?
Lina: That's my bassinet. Well, I just donated it, literally I just donated it. I hope your baby's as happy in there as-as my girls were.
Woman: Oh, yeah, I would never put a baby in this piece of sh1t. It's for my ferret. Actually can you mind holding him while I light my cigarette? It's really more of a coffin to bury him in. 'Cause he has cancer. So, you say it's called a-a bassinet?
(Water splashing) (Harrison cooing)
Jess: Ooh, make little splashes?
(Dinging nearby) There's too much splashing in the bath. And too many bubbles for one little baby.
Shepard: Hey.
Jess: Hi. How'd it go with Tammy?
Shepard: She's on her way to Davenport.
Jess: Is that the name of a clinic?
Shepard: No. It's a place in Iowa.
Jess: Aw. Your daddy's a good man. But he didn't want our meal ticket to get an abortion. Isn't that right, daddy?
Shepard: Stop.
Jess: What? That's what happened.
Shepard: What, are you mad?
Jess: You can't make people do things that they don't want to do, right?
Shepard: And I really don't want to be managing some kid. I don't. Hi. Hi! Hey. Want to watch a movie tonight? Uh, you know, I can't. I'm gonna go to the office. But, um, take a rain check.
(Harrison giggles) (Coos) (Shepard sighs)
Russ: Hey.
Lina: Hmm?
Russ: Do you want to have a date?
Lina: Mm... I'm not taking my shirt off.
Russ: That's okay. But can we talk about the pregnant stuff again?
Lina: No chance.
Russ: Come on.
Lina: No.
Russ: Well, then, can we pretend that I'm a cashier at Ralphs and you're, um, returning some old lettuce?
(Lina laughs)
Lina: Oh, look at this lettuce.
Russ: Ah...
Lina: It's so wilted.
Russ: Yes, yes! It is.
Lina (Laughing): You're so weird!
Man: Hey.
Jess: Hey.
Man: Can I sit with you?
(Jess laughs)
Jess: Sure.
(Man clears throat)
Man: Are you alone?
Jess: Uh...