Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: It's from Game of Thrones. What do you think?
Sheldon: I don't know. If we're going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I've long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?
Leonard: What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I'd have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.
Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon: Fair enough. It'd give you the right to rule a replica of England.
Leonard: Well, they don't have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?
Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There's no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?
Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins' sword over there.
Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit's dagger; wouldn't we look silly? Okay, let's go for it.
Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
Leonard: Yeah. It's okay, I guess.
Sheldon: Okay? It's magnificent.
Leonard: Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it?
Stuart: Oh, it's hard to put a price on something that's a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let's say 250?
Leonard: Oh, that's pretty steep.
Stuart: Well, it's a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
Sheldon: Only 8,000? We're wasting precious time. Buy it.
Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I'm already giving you the friends and family discount.
Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We're getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.
Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.
Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Stuart: Tell you what, I'll go two thirty-five.
Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.
Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.
Sheldon: Take it, take it.
Leonard: Two hundred.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can't breathe.
Stuart: Two ten, and I'm losing money.
Sheldon: Oh, now, we can't let him lose money, Leonard. I'm so sorry.
Leonard: Two ten and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!
Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.
Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.
Sheldon: I've long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.
Stuart: You want me to wrap it?
Leonard: No, it's okay. I'm gonna stab my friend in the chest.
Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.
Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It's part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil: No.
Sheldon: I'm not surprised.
Stuart: Here's the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.
Wil: Awesome. What do I owe you?
Stuart: Forty bucks.
Wil: Good deal.
Sheldon: Sucker. Didn't even ask for the friends and family discount.
Wil: Hey, I'm having a party at my house on Friday, and I was hoping you would stop by.
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil: Yeah, of course.
Stuart: 'Cause there wasn't last time.
Wil: There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by.
Leonard: Thank you.
Wil: All right, great. Later.
Sheldon: I see what you're doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we're going to be there, and when we don't show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.
Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.
Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.
Leonard: No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time.
Stuart: Oh, great, more guys. It's gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest. Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?
Sheldon: Possibly.
Leonard: Can you or can't you?
Sheldon: It's not that simple, Leonard.
Leonard: It never is, is it?
Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I'm characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger's Friendship.
Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?
Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.
Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment...
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn't forget. Um, there's this cat in a box and until you open it, it's either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother's camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You're the whole package, aren't you?
Howard (arriving): Sorry I'm late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team's design for the deep field space telescope that's going on the International Space Station this spring.
All: Wow.
Bernadette: Howie, that's wonderful! Congratulations!
Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.
Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.
Howard: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Howard: It's me, Sheldon. It's me. I'm going up in space! Technically, I'm an astronaut.
All: Wow, that's amazing!
Bernadette: Hang on a second. NASA doesn't have a shuttle any more. How are you going to get up there?
Howard: Oh, well, it's really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you out to Kazakhstan, and then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket which shoots you into a low earth orbit. Or just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard: Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl.
Leonard: I'd like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard's making that a reality. We're all very proud of you.
All: Cheers.
Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.
Scene: Bernadette's car.
Howard: You're really quiet. Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Fine. Just a little tired.
Howard: I hope not too tired, because I'm feeling particularly masculine right now. All systems go, if you catch my drift.
Bernadette: I always catch your drift.
Howard: All right, well, something's obviously bugging you. What is it?
Bernadette: I just can't believe you signed up for the space program without even talking to me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. You're worried about me. That is so sweet. You know, there's a saying we have at NASA. What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
Bernadette: Just stop talking, Howard.
Howard: This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
Bernadette: What did you think was going to happen?
Howard: Honestly? s*x.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honour it is to be chosen to go into space?
Bernadette: Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We're supposed to be partners. We're supposed to be a team.
Howard: I'm sorry. You're right. Okay, let's try this again. Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I'd like to discuss it.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
Bernadette: Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
Howard: Hey, we're a team. So, what do you think?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: No?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Well why not?
Bernadette: Howard, my father was a police officer. We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive. It was horrible. And I don't want to live that way with you.
Howard: Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again.
Bernadette: Oh, boo-hoo, you're not going to space!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?
Sheldon: Don't talk to me as if nothing's happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.
Leonard: For God's sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don't understand. What differences does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This'll just take a moment. It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
Amy: A floppy disk?
Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.
Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
All: Oh! Oh, God!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Howard's bedroom.
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Change your mind about s*x? I'm still mad, but I'll do it.
Bernadette: No, I've just been thinking. It doesn't matter if I'm afraid for your safety. I don't want to be the person who stands between you and your dreams.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Really. If going into space means that much to you, I will never say another word about it.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. So, s*x now?
Bernadette: Okay. I just forgot to brush my teeth. I'll be right back. (Exits)
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Over my dead body my son goes into outer space!
Bernadette: I'm ready.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Wait, let me see if I got this right. You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night?
Howard: What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.
Raj: Wow. You're not only our first astronaut. You're also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You're like a rock star.
Howard: Little bit.
Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.
Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.
Leonard: Going to Wheaton's party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it's doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you're looking for.
Leonard: I'm going to a party. I'm not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.
Raj: So, what's gonna happen next? Are you and Bernadette going to break up?
Howard: I don't know. If we're going to get back together, she's going to have to apologize and accept that I'm a grown man who can make his own decisions.
Raj: Then she's going to have to convince your mother to let you go into space.
Howard: Obviously.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Bernadette: I had no choice. I had to tell his mother. He can't go to space. He's like a baby bird. Do you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library book?
Amy: You're kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.
Bernadette: I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to break up over this.
Penny: Okay, why don't you just tell him you made a mistake?
Bernadette: Do you guys think it was a mistake? Am I the bad guy in this?
Amy: It's not for us to judge. We're just here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you've done.
Bernadette: Oh, God, you're right. I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother. I need to apologize.
Penny: Well, that, that's good. I'm glad you came to that. But before you do, let me just ask you a big picture question.
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: I do, with all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.
Amy: He's great.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.
Leonard: You want to drive?
Raj: Sure.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.
Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.
Sheldon: Brent Spiner?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: I don't care.
Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.
Sheldon: I did, but I think I've kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.
Leonard: I'm going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.
Scene: Howard's bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, Bernadette's here!
Howard: Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette: Can we talk?
Howard: You can. I have nothing to say.
Bernadette: All right. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry I said something to your mother.
Howard: I was gonna tell her eventually, but you went behind my back.
Bernadette: I know. I'm sorry. I got scared.
Howard: If you're gonna love me, you're gonna have to love the whole package, the tenderhearted poet and the crazy daredevil.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Well, don't say it if you're not gonna mean it, 'cause I'm not just gonna stop with the space station. Yeah, I want to go to the Moon, I want to go to Mars. I want to take a one-man sub to the lowest depths of the ocean.
Bernadette: Really? You got seasick on Pirates of the Caribbean.
Howard: Well, those big kids were rocking it.
Bernadette: I just did what I did because I love you so much, and the thought of losing you is more than I can handle.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: You're my soul mate. This is where you kiss me.
Howard: Right, right.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Make up all you want! Your tuchus is not leaving this planet!
Scene: Wil Wheaton's party.
Raj: Hey, you know that beautiful actress who plays the Borg Queen in First Contact?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you're still my little buddy. I'm not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let's meet Brent Spiner and go home.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I'm so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.
Sheldon: What I'd like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.
Wil: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn't show up.
Wil: Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: It's my last one. I want you to have it.
Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven't seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were m*st*rb*t*ng?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.
Brent: Sorry, Slim. I've got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You've already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.
Wil: Don't worry. It doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.
Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let's not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.
Leonard: Can we get autographed dolls?
Brent: Sure. Twenty bucks.
Leonard: Ten.
Brent: Eighteen.
Leonard: Twelve.
Brent: Sixteen.
Leonard: Two for thirty. And you come to my birthday party.
Brent: Done.


VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Lamb joins Keith and Veronica at a diner (from 102 "Credit Where Credit's Due").
LAMB: If it isn't my predecessor and mentor. Are you doing anything special to mark the one year anniversary of Lilly Kane's murder?
KEITH: Tell me again how you solved the crime. An anonymous tip. Did anybody show up to collect the reward? Do'ya find that strange?
Cut to Mac locked out of her car and Veronica opening it for her (from 108 "Like a Virgin").
MAC: Damn it! Wow. That's really criminal of you.
VERONICA: I'm Veronica, by the way.
MAC: Mac.
Cut to Veronica at her mother's safety deposit box, looking at the pictures of her lined up in a gun sight and her observing Wiedman from her car as he enters Kane Software (audio from 109 "Drinking the Kool-Aid", visuals from 105 "You Think You Know Somebody" and 109 "Drinking the Kool-Aid").
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away from Neptune. Clarence Wiedman. The man who took surveillance photos of me. So if Jake Kane is my biological father, that information is going to be worth millions End previously. Open at the Mars apartment as Veronica comes out of her bedroom, into the kitchen area where Keith is standing.
VERONICA: Good morning.
Keith is intent on something he is reading and doesn't respond. Veronica looks over at him
VERONICA: Or not.
KEITH: You don't go to the oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?
VERONICA: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.
Keith isn't amused.
VERONICA: I'm kidding. Why would you ask me that? Keith holds up a newspaper, the headline of which reads: E-String Strangler Strikes Again.
KEITH: Twenty year old co-ed washed up dead on the beach. Veronica comes closer to take the paper and read the story.
VERONICA: Scary. Wait. Wasn't this your case? I thought they caught this guy in Oakland two years ago.
KEITH: Well, apparently they didn't. Everyone wanted to believe the Oakland strangler committed the Neptune crimes too. It never quite fit. Oh, but it was so important for the mayor and the Chamber of Commerce to put that scare behind us.
Veronica casts a concerned glance at her father. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica and Wallace are threading their way through the students in the outdoor lunch area, hot dogs in hand.
WALLACE: People are really freaking out about this E-String Strangler. My mom is scared to drive home alone. I told her this time she can be happy she's not the guy's type.
VERONICA: My dad barely let me out of the house this morning.
Another student, Jackson Douglas, butts in just as they reach an empty table.
JACKSON: I hear you do detective stuff for people.
VERONICA: I do favours for friends.
JACKSON: I can pay.
VERONICA: Sit down, friend. What can I do for you?
JACKSON: I was hoping that you could find some dirt on my parents.
VERONICA: [In southern accent] Why Jackson Douglas, I do declare! [Normal voice] You want me to dig up dirt on your own parents.
JACKSON: I need leverage. They're crazy strict. They grounded me for two months for smoking up in my room.
WALLACE: Apparently you've never spent time in a black woman's house. Be glad you're still walking.
JACKSON: Yeah, well, they act like they were always perfect. And every little thing I do wrong is catalogued so they can rub my nose in it later.
VERONICA: Sure you can handle the truth? The '70s and '80s were not pretty decades for people. We've all seen the pictures.
JACKSON: I can handle it.
VERONICA: Now as for the small matter of compensation.
They are interrupted by the sound of a string quartet playing the Beatles "Happy Birthday". They turn to watch as Madison Sinclair arrives at a table of her 09er friends and gasps.
MADISON: I love my parents. She hands flyers out at the table.
MADISON: All right. Come to my party. No need to bring gifts. Madison gasps again as a waiter arrives with a large birthday cake and sets it down on the table.
MADISON: Happy birthday to me. Madison, horribly coy and entitled, blows out her candles as Veronica and Jackson watch.
VERONICA: The rite of fall. Madison Sinclair's birthday.
JACKSON: Best party of the year and I can't go because I'm grounded.
WALLACE: Her parents must looove her.
VERONICA: They really loved her, they would've gotten the real Beatles.
Cut to a piece of paper upon which is written: Jackson's Parents' Jocelyn Aardwick Douglas Alan Douglas Veronica is working at her laptop in Mars Investigations until interrupted.
LAMB: [Offscreen] Veronica Mars. She looks up to see the sheriff standing before her in the company of a man in a suit. This man is the mayor of Neptune.
LAMB: Is your daddy here, or is he busy peeking in people's windows?
VERONICA: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.
MAYOR: Your father?
Veronica, vaguely petulant, rises from her desk and sticks her head into Keith's office.
VERONICA: [Deliberately] Deputy Lamb is here. He's got the mayor with him.
KEITH: Show him in.
VERONICA: Yeah, sure. I'll just have Rod Serling wait out here on the couch.
Veronica throws open the door to Keith's office
VERONICA: The detective will see you now.
The mayor casts Veronica a disapproving look before entering Keith's office. Keith rises from his desk and shakes hands with the mayor. Veronica watches from the door.
MAYOR: It's been a long time, Keith.
KEITH: I know.
MAYOR: Good to see ya. I wish it were under better circumstances.
KEITH: Sit down.
The men sit.
VERONICA: Can I get anybody anything? Water? Coffee? [Directly herself to Lamb] A banana?
LAMB: We're good.
VERONICA: Okay. Just leaving.
Veronica makes a big play of shutting the door, then stands by it, trying to eavesdrop.
KEITH: So how can I help you gentlemen.
MAYOR: You know the situation
Veronica walks back to her desk but glances continually at the closed door. Finally, it opens and Keith comes out first, followed by the mayor and an unhappy Sheriff Lamb.
MAYOR: Thank you Keith. Appreciate it.
KEITH: See you tomorrow, Lamb.
LAMB: Um-hmm. Can't wait.
The men leave.
VERONICA: What was that about? What's tomorrow?
KEITH: The day I go back to work at the sheriff's department.
Veronica's jaw drops. Opening credits. Resume at Mars Investigations as Veronica follows Keith into his office.
VERONICA: You're going back to work at the sheriff's department?
KEITH: It's temporary. I'm just there to work on the E-String Strangler case.
VERONICA: And you're teaming up with Lamb?
KEITH: It's a bitter pill, I know but they're paying me my normal hourly.
VERONICA: And Lamb agreed to this? His head didn't explode.
KEITH: The mayor didn't give him a choice. I'm the closest thing they have to an E-String Strangler authority and it's a big priority for the mayor. A killer preying on partying college girls tends to kill the Spring Break business.
VERONICA: So this is all about tourist revenue. God bless America.
KEITH: Well, whatever their motive, I'm glad to be involved.
VERONICA: Hey, if you're working at the Sheriff's office, you'll have access to the Lilly Kane files. We can finally get our hands on that Crime Stoppers Hotline recording, find out who the anonymous source was, the one who fingered Abel Koontz.
KEITH: Veronica, that won't be on my agenda.
Veronica is disappointed. Cut to Veronica in her 'office' at Neptune High. She is consulting the file she is holding.
VERONICA: Here are the highlights. Your dad was busted trying to buy an eight ball from an undercover cop at an Eagles concert in '74, your mom had five speeding tickets and a collision on her record before she graduated high school. She hands the file to Jackson who is standing before her. He is impressed.
JACKSON: I don't care what they say about you, Veronica Mars. You rock.
VERONICA: Yes, I do. I also take cash.
Veronica holds out her hand. Cut to the outdoor lunch area. Another student, Jasmine, approaches Veronica.
CRYSTAL: I hear you can dig up dirt on parents. Veronica smiles. Cut to the sheriff's department. Keith is standing in front of the incident board with pictures of the victims. He is presenting the case to a group of deputies, including Sacks and one who will later be identified as Leo D'Amato, sitting and standing around a table that fills the room. Lamb is standing on the other side of the board.
KEITH: The first two victims, Katherine Wills, Andrea Sims were found in 2001 and 2002 respectively. They had certain shared characteristics. Both were undergrads on break, both were attractive social girls, both had-
LAMB: Hard partiers.
KEITH: Both had high levels of alcohol in their blood and both were abducted on Friday nights.
LAMB: Technically, early Saturday morning from midnight to closing time.
KEITH: The bodies were found in the bay. A single nickel-plated guitar string tied around their necks. The latest victim, Amy Polk, was killed with the exact same MO.
LEO: So he kills them with the guitar strings?
KEITH: Naw, that's just-
LAMB: It's his signature. His mark.
Keith, who has done his best to ignore Lamb's constant interruptions and attempts at a pissing contest, takes a deep breath.
KEITH: The girls are asphyxiated. The strangler thing came from the press, it's a misnomer. There's evidence that these women have been held for 48 hours in a contained space, basically suffocated.
LAMB: The murders are reminiscent of the Hillside Strangler case.
KEITH: Except the Hillside Strangler actually did strangle the girls.
LAMB: Party girls, like ours. Picked up outside of bars. Killer leaves his mark.
KEITH: Okay, except for the asphyxiation, the imprisonment, the body disposal, these cases have a lot in common.
LEO: What do we know about the killer?
KEITH: He hates women, he craves attention, he's a luuser.
Lamb sighs heavily.
KEITH: The weekend killings suggest the guy has a traditional job.
LAMB: Amy Polk was found with wrist bands from local bars on her wrist and smudged ink on her palm that looked like it could be a phone number. Lab boys in LA are trying to decipher it.
SACKS: Imagine the poor sucker waiting for that phone call.
Cut to Veronica, back in the Neptune High girls' room, giving another report.
VERONICA: Your mom sued her parent for emancipation when she was sixteen and then moved to Hollywood. According to the Internet Movie Database, she went on to play such roles as "Trucker's girlfriend", "Screaming maid" and "Bi-curious room mate". Veronica hands the file to Jasmine, who grins. Cut to Veronica making another report to a different student.
VERONICA: Your mother was married in 1985 for 36 days.
JASMINE: Shut up.
She grabs the file from Veronica as Mac exits one of the cubicles and glances over to see what is going on. She observes through the mirror as she washes her hands.
VERONICA: To a pro-skier she met on Spring Break. They drove to Vegas, did it drive-through style and she had it annulled.
JASMINE: And she calls me boy crazy. You just made my year.
Veronica smiles. Cut to Mars Investigations. Mac enters the outer office.
MAC: Hey.
VERONICA: Hi, Mac.
MAC: Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
VERONICA: Come on in.
Mac sits down opposite Veronica.
VERONICA: It's a spiffy new Beetle you're driving these days.
MAC: Yeah. Well, the purity test was probably my finest hour but that's nothing compared to what this could be. It's time to think global and act local.
Mac opens her laptop to show Veronica a site she has designed. The home page reads: Get the Dirt.
MAC: Okay, you're exposing parental secrets for fifty bucks a pop. We create this website, double the fee, we have no overhead because I've already bought the domain name. With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.
As Mac talks, Veronica explores the site. The next page reads: Parent. There is then a page where a skeleton exits a closet. There is a form headed: Let's Start Digging!
VERONICA: I can barely handle school and my cases as it is.
MAC: Think about it. This isn't just a college fund. Potentially this is our retirement fund.
VERONICA: I will definitely think about it.
Mac closes the laptop and hesitates.
MAC: There is just one more think, about my folks that I was wondering about. You PIs have access to search engines that would take me weeks to hack into, so I mean I have cash.
VERONICA: Gotcha. Keep your money. It's a professional courtesy.
Veronica opens her own laptop.
MAC: It's not that they're bad parents. They just...don't get me. They're nachos and NASCAR people and I'm more...
VERONICA: Falafels and Fellini?
MAC: Exactly.
VERONICA: Your last name's Mackenzie, right?
MAC: Um-hmm, Natalie and Sam, 9715 Colony Place.
The results load and return a marriage database with her parents names, dates of birth (21 November 1955 for Samuel and 11 July 1958 for Natalie) and Social Security Numbers.
VERONICA: Mom is Natalie Franklin?
MAC: Yep.
VERONICA: Oh, you had a birthday a couple of days ago.
MAC: Yeah, one more year until I can leave home.
VERONICA: Okay.
On Veronica's laptop, a list appears of various items. Under the heading: Division of Motor Vehicles 01-13-1973 - $250 Fine (Paid) - Speeding 55mph in 25mph Zone 10-24-1985 - $155 Fine (Paid) - Failure to Observe Traffic Signal 04-11-1992 - $120 Fine (Paid) - Illegal Passing Manoeuvre Under the heading: Internal Revenue Service 06-22-1989 Audit - Insufficient Data for Recourse Under the heading: Subscriptions 11-21-2002 - Outdoors, Inc. - 96-week subscription 09-10-2003 - Adventure Camper - 2-year subscription 10-27-2003 - NASCAR the Magazine - Renewed through 10-27-2010 Natalie's subscriptions are: 05-01-2001 - Home & Garden - Renewed through 05-01-2006 01-01-2001 - National Geographic - 3-year subscription
VERONICA: Sam's had a few tickets, tax audit, nothing strange
Veronica scrolls down to the last entry under the heading: External Income 05-12-1992 - Neptune Memorial Hospital - $1 million awarded in lawsuit.
VERONICA: huh, except that.
MAC: What?
VERONICA: According to this, they won a million dollar lawsuit against Neptune Memorial Hospital in '92.
MAC: No way. That's got to be a mistake.
VERONICA: Hello? Sleuth prowess.
MAC: Come on, they hate lawyers and they never even go near the hospital.
VERONICA: You want me to look into it?
MAC: Yeah, I do.
Cut to Veronica using the microfiche at a library.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Neptune isn't short on millionaires but I figure a judgement that big against the local hospital might have made the papers. It's beginning to look like I'm wrong.
She whizzes past a headline then backs up to it. The headline is: Hospital Takes Hit on Baby-Swap Case. Judge order hospital to pay $1 million in damages to each family. The story is written by the newspaper's staff writer, Charles Martin and has the following passages: "After five years of bitter legal battle ensnaring the lives of two Neptune families appointed in our state's legal system for allowing this to proceed as far as my court,' Judge Pockett remarked. The court verdict also contained specific lies to retain custody,' Sarah Epstein, the Plaintiff' lawyer, explained. 'Too much upheaval would have"
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hold the phone! I was expecting something like "Woman Accidentally Receives Pig Heart" but no, I have to find out the one thing that can completely wreck Mac's life.
Veronica focuses on a particular passage: "the children's privacy. Also, both families have agreed to keep their non-biological children. Neptune Memorial Hospital spokes-"
VERONICA VOICEOVER: How do you live a normal life once you find out you were switched at birth.
Cut to Lamb and Keith entering a guitar store. The sound of a session booms out.
KEITH: [Shouts] Hello Cleveland. Lamb looks at him as if he has gone mad.
KEITH: [By way of explanation] "Spinal Tap".
LAMB: What?
KEITH: The movie "Spinal Tap". You've never seen "Spinal Tap"?
LAMB: No.
KEITH: That explains a lot.
They head for the counter behind which is a room from which the noise is emanating as three guys play.
LAMB: Is there someone that actually works here? One of the guys playing, who is called Gabe, turns and shouts at them above the noise.
GABE: Dawg, look like you need help. Keith nods, smiling. Lamb is bored and impatient.
KEITH: He's waiting for you to throw your panties. Gabe comes to the counter, still playing.
LAMB: Can we lose the noise?
GABE: Noise! [Dodgy Britpunk accent] All I hear are sound waves woven into melodic poetry.
Gabe gives a shout and carries on playing. Keith leans forward and puts his hand on the guitar's string. Gabe is forced to stop.
KEITH: Hey! We can do this here or down at the sheriff's department. Maintaining his open mouthed rocker style, Gabe walks back to the entrance to the room behind and slides the glass door shut. The noise is immediately and effectively muted. Gabe smiles and goes dorky.
GABE: So what's up? You lookin' for a band to play the policeman's ball? Keith holds up an evidence envelope with a guitar string enclosed.
KEITH: We're looking for a murderer. Found this guitar string tied around the neck of his last victim. Is there anything special about it? Gabe takes and examines it.
GABE: This exact string? This is a triple nickel antioxidant special order string we get for just one customer. A guy we call Devil Dave.
LAMB: [Excited] Do you know where we can find this Devil Dave?
GABE: [Calls out] Devil Daaaave?
DAVE: Huh?
A nerdy look guy strumming an acoustic guitar in the shop looks up.
GABE: Did you kill anyone this week?
DAVE: Uh-uh.
KEITH: Your basic guitar string?
Gabe laughs manically.
GABE: Same as any other string. Betcha the criminals in town are shakin' in their boots knowin' you're on the case. Mental note: put in a security system.
KEITH: Right.
Keith and Lamb turn to go but Gabe wants to bait them and hooks Lamb back.
GABE: So ya, ya think the killer's a guitar player? That is brilliant. I think guitar players are a little too busy nailin' women to strangle 'em. Ooooww!
LAMB: Even the wannabes and losers living in Neptune who don't realize if they haven't made it by the time they turn thirty it's because they're not going to? They're too busy?
Gabe adopts an offended look. Lamb glances at a full scale cartoon of a guitar player behind Gabe.
LAMB: Nice art work. Yours? Gabe steps back and strikes the pose of the subject of the cartoon.
GABE: Guitar players, the heroes of our modern age.
LAMB: Strappin' on a guitar. Does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?
GABE: Does strappin' on a gun?
Lamb winks in an "I've got you number" sort of way and turns to go. Cut to Veronica, arriving at the door of a house, looking concerned. The door has a Christmas wreath on it. Mac opens the door.
MAC: Hey.
VERONICA: Got a minute?
Mac gestures for her to enter. In the lounge is a huge Christmas tree.
MAC: Ho, ho, ho. There are more, and garish, decorations as she leads Veronica to a short hallway. A ball misses her. She looks up to see her little brother, gun in hand. He giggles and runs back into his room, slamming the door behind him.
MAC: [Shouts after him] Ryan, open that door and you'll know pain like you've never known in your pathetic little life. Mac gives Veronica an apologetic grin then opens the door to her room. It is covered with art posters, looking more like a gallery. She has books everywhere.
MAC: Enjoy the peace. Lasts about seven minutes tops. Veronica is seriously impressed with the room.
VERONICA: Whoa. Who's your curator?
MAC: You like it? It's my own little cave. Whenever I run out of space, my dad just builds me more shelves.
There's a knock on the door immediately followed by Mac's mother, Natalie, bringing in a tray.
NATALIE: Knock, knock. You must be Veronica. I wasn't sure if you were a normal eater or one of those freakball vegans, like Cindy.
VERONICA: Uh, more normal than freakball, thanks.
Natalie smiles and wants to stay and chat.
MAC: Okay, thanks Mom.
NATALIE: Okay.
Natalie gets it and goes, leaving the girls alone.
VERONICA: Cindy?
MAC: It won out over Barbie. So what did you find out? Has to be pretty big for you to come deliver it in person,
VERONICA: [Sighs heavily]Um
MAC: Suspense effectively built. Hit me.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dad always says, this is the job. Telling people stuff they might not want to know or might be better off not knowing.
Veronica slowly pulls up a chair and sits in front of Mac, who is now sitting on her bed.
VERONICA: It is big, like, life-altering big, so you should really think about if you want to hear it or if you'd rather just forget it and go on with your life. And may I suggest option B.
MAC: I'm adopted, aren't I? Go ahead and tell me, it would explain a lot.
VERONICA: [Slowly] Well, yes and no, um, the Mackenzies aren't your biological parents.
MAC: So what does that mean.
VERONICA: [Sighs again] You were sent home from the hospital with the wrong family.
MAC: Oh my god.
VERONICA: And there's more.
MAC: More than that?
VERONICA: Another family was awarded a million dollars at the same time.
MAC: Okay.
VERONICA: Um, another baby girl, born the day after you were and your biological parents took her home.
MAC: Another girl, born a day after me. [Comprehension dawns] I was switched at birth with Madison Sinclair?
Cut to Keith in a darkened interrogation room at the sheriff's department. He is seated at the table and has a picture in his hand.
KEITH: You were bartending Friday night at Body Shots when Amy Polk came in. [Sliding the picture across the table] Recognise her? Vic Sciaraffa, sitting on the other side of the table, picks up the picture, glances at it and throws it back across the table. Lamb can be seen leaning against the wall in the corner of the room.
VIC: Honestly, I can't tell them apart anymore. They all have that same sorority girl in heat look to me.
LAMB: We suspect she was there with the man who killed her and you remember him.
VIC: Gentlemen, I can't help you. It was Friday night and Friday night is ladies night. Two for one shots. It's wall to wall drunk bitches.
KEITH: Do you mind toning down the language.
VIC: [Insincerely] Ooops. Sorry.
Vic is blas and puts his feet up on the table, staring Keith down. He then looks behind Keith and sees Veronica as she peers into the room through the slatted window blind.
VIC: Mmm mmm. Now that one, I would've noticed. Keith looks behind him. Veronica holds up a bag to indicate she has some food for him and then walks away. Keith turns back to Vic.
KEITH: That's my daughter.
VIC: Wouldn't mind havin' her call me daddy.
In one fluid movement, Keith rises off his chair, grabs Vic's feet on the table and throws them up off the table. Vic overbalances and falls to the floor. Vic quickly gets to his feet.
KEITH: Whoops! Sorry! Sit down.
Cut to Veronica in the reception part of the sheriff's department, clutching the bag. She approaches Leo at his desk..
LEO: Can I help you?
VERONICA: You must be new. I'm Keith Mars' daughter, Veronica.
LEO: Ah. Leo.
VERONICA: Did you just tell me your sign?
LEO: [Smiling broadly] My name, actually, though I am coincidentally enough a Leo.
VERONICA: I'm just bringing some food for my dad.
LEO: Ah well, you can put it on his desk if you want, unless it's gonna go bad or something, then we have a mini-fridge, I could put it in there.
VERONICA: I might just take you up on that 'cause there's coleslaw.
LEO: No problem.
Veronica hands him the bag and he takes it away. Veronica takes the opportunity to check out the counters, looking for something which she doesn't find. She gets back in front of Leo's desk as he returns.
LEO: Word of caution. You probably shouldn't trust me.
VERONICA: Oh yeah?
LEO: Every night at nine, the whole crew goes out to dinner leaving the rookie here to answer the phones. I usually wind up getting dinner at a candy machine. A pastrami sandwich could prove to be very tempting.
VERONICA: [Putting her hands on her hips] You looked in my bag.
LEO: I told you, I'm a scoundrel.
VERONICA: A rogue deputy is among us. No sandwich is safe.
LEO: I tell you what. If you promise to come back and visit me, I will stay out of the fridge.
VERONICA: Deal.
Veronica turns and walks away, looking like the cat that got the cream.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Oh my Deputy Leo. You might as well leave me a key and a map. She throws a smile back at him. He watches appreciatively. Cut back to the interrogation room. Keith and Vic have returned to their positions at the table and Lamb is pacing.
LAMB: What about the guys who hang at Body Shots? Anyone suspicious?
VIC: Mostly loud-mouth frat boys. You know who you should talk to. The Worm.
KEITH: The Worm?
VIC: Yeah, this guy who shoot videotapes of all the girls, then sells them to "Girls Gone Bad".
KEITH: Where do we find the Worm?
Cut to Keith and Lamb approaching an apartment. Lamb is about to rap on the door when Keith grabs hold of his arm, listening intently at the door. The moans and groans of sexual activity can be heard.
LAMB: Think he's got a girl in there?
KEITH: I think he's got a video rental.
Keith pounds on the door. The sounds cut off and Eddie LaRoche pokes his head around the door, looking nervously at his visitors.
EDDIE: Yeah, can I help you?
LAMB: Sheriff's department. We need to ask you a few questions.
KEITH: [Holding up a picture] You recognise her?
EDDIE: No.
KEITH: Are you sure? 'Cause we heard you were filming at Body Shots the night she disappeared. Take another look.
Lamb peers into Eddie's room as Keith talks, spotting a stack of videos and a guitar. Keith hands Eddie the picture. Eddie takes it and examines it for a moment before handing it back.
EDDIE: No, really, I don't know her. Listen, I've gotta get dressed for work, so if that's everything
KEITH: Sure, no problem, thanks for your time.
EDDIE: Right.
KEITH: Hey, if you think of anything, just give us a call.
Keith hands Eddie a card and Eddie shuts the door. Throughout this exchange, Lamb is staring at Keith as if he has gone mad. Keith walks away and Lamb, frozen for a second, follows.
LAMB: I guess you didn't notice, the guitar sitting out there in plain sight.
KEITH: I saw it.
LAMB: So what does he need, a shirt reading "I'm the E-String Killer, arrest me"? Let's go back.
KEITH: He needed to look like he's not going to soil himself. If he gets any more freaked out, he's going to destroy those tapes before we get a warrant.
LAMB: You should have consulted me first.
KEITH: What did you want me to do, consult you in pig-latin? He was standing right there!
LAMB: You don't make the decisions around here. I am the Sheriff.
KEITH: I noticed. Thank you.
Keith walks on while Lamb casts a longing look back at Eddie's door. Cut to Neptune High, outside, as students arrive. Veronica joins Mac as they walk along. Mac is clutching a flyer.
VERONICA: Hey, did you get any sleep last night because I- Veronica notices and grabs the flyer out of Mac's hands.
VERONICA: Helping to keep America beautiful by picking up the litter? Mac grabs it back and grins ruefully.
MAC: Wanna crash a party with me?
VERONICA: Bad idea, Mac. Bad, bad idea.
MAC: It's my chance to see how the other half lives, especially since I should have been the other half.
Mac walks on. Veronica pauses, staring at her with concern. "Brilliant Sky" by Saybia starts up.
SONG: Nothing has changed, I'm exactly the same As before we went cruising In a high speed lane I'm still dreaming of open sky, Open road But grass is not greener On the other side I know by now 'cause I walked the red carped and died There is so much more to life Than what meets the eye We're running wild on the ocean Running wild Brilliant sky all over
Cut to night, outside Madison Sinclair's house. Wallace, Veronica and Mac walk up to the entrance, drawing surprised glances.
WALLACE: So this is where the bourgie folks live?
VERONICA: Upper upper bourgie.
MAC: It'll be fine.
The front door, with its "Happy Birthday" banner, is opened by Madison, whose smile drops.
VERONICA, WALLACE and MAC: Hey, happy birthday.
MADISON: What are you doing here?
WALLACE: I came to celebrate your birth, but these two just wanna hook up.
MADISON: I mean, who invited you?
WALLACE: That would be Seth Russell, from History?
The three of them step in, forcing a horrified Madison to step back.
VERONICA: No, it was Adam Bunting.
MAC: Adam Bunting. Isn't that the guy who looks like Fievel?
VERONICA: No, no, that's Adam Hamilton. Nobody talks to him, he's poor.
MAC: He still looks like Feivel.
MADISON: But... I didn't invite Adam!
WALLACE: I remember, it was Kevin Powell.
MADISON: Who?
WALLACE: Kevin Powell.
While Wallace keeps Madison occupied, Mac and Veronica wander off.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: The last time I crashed an 09er party, I got ridiculed, roofied and woke up missing my underwear. You can imagine how glad I am to be back. Another student comes up behind Veronica.
BUD: Hey, hey. I hear you're working some magic lately. Uh, can you help me get my parents off my back.
MAC: I'm gonna go find a bathroom.
VERONICA: Uh, shop's closed right now, Bud.
He grimaces and gives her a pleading look.
VERONICA: All right, come see me at school on Monday.
BUD: Yeah.
Cut to Mac, walking through the crowd. The music changes to Amy Cook's "Fireflies" .
SONG: Orange moon lies low Up against a western sky Soon we'll see all our troubles disappear Underneath its watchful eye Meet me in Dockweiler Tonight We'll watch the waves roll in and the plains blow on by We'll build a bonfire And laugh at all life's crazy twists and turns Bonfire And as the flames flicker Burn out bright We're fireflies Tonight
Mac sees various pictures of Madison at the Pyramids, St Mark's Square, the Taj Mahal, the Arc de Triomphe. Mac swallows and moves on as one of the 09er boys gives her a curious, contemptuous look. Mac moves into a large library and is captivated. A young girl, about ten, pops her head from around the large leather chair in which she is sitting, startling Mac.
LAUREN: Hi.
MAC: Hi.
LAUREN: You didn't see me, huh.
Mac shakes her head.
LAUREN: I'm Lauren, I'm Madison's sister.
MAC: Hi Lauren. I'm Mac.
LAUREN: That's a cool name.
MAC: Thanks. So. What are you reading?
Mac moves further into the room and sits opposite Lauren, putting down her bag.
LAUREN: "The Westing Game". It's really good.
MAC: Yeah, it is.
LAUREN: I'll probably finish it tonight. Madison says I have to stay in here.
Loud footsteps sound as an angry Madison enters.
MADISON: What are you doing in my parent's library?
LAUREN: She's read my book.
MADISON: No one's supposed to be here. It's off limits.
Veronica races in behind Madison.
VERONICA: There you are.
MADISON: And you. I won't even start.
LAUREN: God, Madison, they're here for your party.
MADISON: No, Lauren, they're crashing my party. You need to leave. You don't belong here.
MAC: Well actually-
Veronica grabs Mac and leads her out of the room.
VERONICA: We were just leaving, right Mac? Happy Birthday, Madison. Thanks for being such a gracious host. Martha Stewart has nothing on you.
Cut to Veronica pulling up outside the Mackenzies. The outside is as garishly decorated as the inside with hundreds of lights. Mac sits in the passenger seat.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I could tell Mac I know how she feels, but the truth is, I don't. When I had the opportunity to learn my paternity, I chose blissful ignorance with a side of gnawing doubt.
MAC: Think she's even read five books in that library? She wouldn't know Monet's Water Lilies unless Revlon named a nail polish after it. [Snorts] I have a blood sister I've never even heard of.
VERONICA: And Madison has a brother.
MAC: Why didn't they just trade us back? We would have gotten over it eventually.
VERONICA: I suppose they got kind of attached in those first four years.
MAC: They should have figured it out way before then. At two I was spitting out corn dogs and tuning the radio to NPR. Did you ever find out what happened to that million dollars?
VERONICA: Still working on it, [hopefully] unless you wanna just blow it off.
MAC: No. Keep checking. I've come this far. See ya.
Mac gets out of the car. Cut to the car park at the sheriff's department. Lamb is getting a box of videos out of the boot of his car while Keith is on his cell phone.
KEITH: Okay, well, thanks for calling me back. He finishes his call and approaches Lamb.
KEITH: That was one of the "Girls Gone Bad" producers. They've never even heard of Eddie LaRoche.
LAMB: Ah, so this guy's been videotaping girls for his own personal enjoyment. Nice. Told you I had a bad feeling about that guy.
Keith reaches into the boot to grab another box.
KEITH: This the stuff from his apartment?
LAMB: Yeah. Pervert's recorded 40 tapes-worth of girls flashing their ta-tas.
KEITH: Okay, well, we should split these up-
LAMB: We'll split 'em up and we'll see if any of the victims are on 'em.
KEITH: Perfect.
Leo runs up behind them.
LEO: Hey. Strings from Eddie's guitar match the strings left on the victims. Keith and Lamb share a satisfied look. Cut to a clock in the sheriff's department, showing the time as 9:07. Veronica enters, carrying a pizza in a large box.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know, I'm shameless. But every time I start to feel guilty, I remind myself that Lilly would be thinking about colleges right now or what new CD played at maximum volume would most annoy her mother. And I remember my mission. She pauses at the counter and sees Leo, on his own in the office, his back turned to her. She dings the counter bell. He turns and grins. She holds out the pizza box invitingly.
VERONICA: Hungry?
Cut to later with them sitting at his desk, enjoying the pizza.
VERONICA: So what made you decide to be a cop?
LEO: Oh, well the same old tired story. I was sent here by the agency to do a strip-o-gram for Inga.
Veronica laughs.
LEO: An armed robbery call came in, I figured I was in uniform anyway, so what the hell.
VERONICA: So you're saying you just kind of stumbled into it.
LEO: Uh, what I'm trying to say is, this uniform, it's-it's a tear-away.
Veronica laughs again, genuinely amused.
WEEVIL: [Offscreen and loudly] Hello? Weevil is at the counter and bangs on the bell.
WEEVIL: Is anyone back there? Leo gets up and goes to the counter, his back to Veronica.
WEEVIL: Hi!
LEO: Hi.
WEEVIL: I need to talk to someone about the noise level
Veronica slides open a couple of the drawers of Leo's desk until she finds keys..
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] in my neighbourhood which is truly out of control!
LEO: [Offscreen] Uh-huh
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I mean, you got motorcycle gangs, gunshots
LEO: [Offscreen] Wh-
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] heavy metal music? It's gotten to the point where I can't even sleep at night.
Veronica runs on tip-toes to the evidence room.
LEO: [Offscreen] Well, why don't-
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I'll bet that if my zip code ended in 0909, you'd have a patrol car swinging by the house every 10 minutes. [Adopting a hokey accent] "Good evening Mr. Weevil. Is there anything we can do for you?" That kind of service.
Veronica searches.
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] But no, it's the barrio. So you figure, hey, they'll sort it out themselves. She finds a box and pulls it out. Cut to Weevil as he throws himself into his part.
WEEVIL: And don't get me started on what this is doing to the property values in my neighbourhood! Cut back to Veronica as she searches through the box. She finds a CD entitled: Crime Stoppers Hotline.
WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I have a good mind to run for the city council and if I win, I'll promise you this.
Cut to Weevil, who sees Veronica return to her place as Leo's desk.
WEEVIL: Heads will roll.
LEO: We could send a patrol car by....
WEEVIL: I'm wondering if I'm better off speaking with your supervisor.
LEO: Well, he won't be in until morning.
WEEVIL: Well then you leave the sheriff a note: he shouldn't expect Eli Navarro Esquire's vote this year!
Weevil finishes with a flourish of bell ringing and Leo returns to his desk.
LEO: Sorry, couldn't get rid of him.
VERONICA: No problem.
Cut to a little later as they are finishing the pizza.
LEO: Seventeen? [Laughs ruefully] You're seventeen?
VERONICA: I don't see how my age is relevant to this discussion.
LEO: Well then, you're not reading my mind.
VERONICA: I'm afraid to ask. And how old are you?
LEO: Twenty.
VERONICA: Yeah, I can read the wisdom in your eyes.
LEO: I've one line, that's it. You wanna hear it?
VERONICA: Sure.
LEO: My band's playing this weekend. If you wanna come down, I'll put you on the guest list.
VERONICA: [With mock scepticism] And that line works?
LEO: On occasion. But the good thing about the line is, it's a no-risk line. You throw it out there. If she shows up, hey, she's interested. If she doesn't, you haven't embarrassed yourself. Of course, if the girl you're chatting up can't get into the club then the whole thing's kinda useless.
VERONICA: A cop that rocks. What will they think of next?
LEO: I'm trying to cover all fantasy bases.
Veronica laughs. Cut to Veronica in her bedroom with the CD in hand. She puts it on the laptop and plugs in earphones.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: The Crime Stoppers Hotline CD I snuck out of the evidence room should have a recording of every call on it. What I wanna know? Who gift wrapped Abel Koontz for Sheriff Lamb. She listens to the variety of voices, becoming increasing bored and frustrated.
HOTLINE CALLERS: There's been a suspicious vehicle parked on my street for days and I'm wondering if it's somehow connected to the Lilly Kane murder I think I saw the girl on the day of the murder, at the gas station on main What's up? It was me. I killed her My neighbour? I can hear him I have grave concerns about a sheriff's department I would love to send them a card The logical by-product of the evil practices of Kane Software She sits up when she hears a deep, electronically distorted voice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VOICE: I know who killed the Kane girl. His name is Abel Koontz. He lives in a houseboat on the marina.
Cut to Keith in the living room, watching one of Eddie's tapes on the TV. He pauses the picture when he sees Amy Polk. Cut to his arrival at the sheriff's department. He goes to Lamb's office.
KEITH: Amy Polk is on this tape. Let's bring this guy in.
LAMB: As always, a day late and a dollar short. I already got him sweating in interrogation. [Holding up a picture] She was on one of mine.
KEITH: So how you wanna play this?
LAMB: I say we play to our strengths.
KEITH: So I'm good cop?
Cut to Eddie in the interrogation room. He appears completely strung out. Lamb puts his face near his ear.
LAMB: Why don't you admit it, scumbag? Say it. [Whispers] I killed those girls.
EDDIE: I wanna go home.
LAMB: Oh, I'm sure you do. But you still haven't told us why two of the murdered girls ended up in your little do-it-yourself porno tapes.
KEITH: Why'd you lie to us, Eddie? Why'd you tell us you didn't know Amy Polk.
EDDIE: There have been so many.
LAMB: Why'd you keep them alive 48 hours, huh? Are you lonely Eddie, did you just need someone to talk to. Huh?
Eddie draws a deep, raspy breath, as if in pain.
EDDIE: If I tell you can I go home? Lamb looks up at Keith, triumphant. He slaps a pad of paper in front of Eddie.
LAMB: Start writing. We'll see.
KEITH: Don, can I talk to you a sec?
Both move just outside the interrogation room.
KEITH: [Quietly] Everything we have on this guy is circumstantial. I mean, obviously he has some mental issues. No judge is gonna allow his confession.
LAMB: I'll take that chance.
KEITH: I'm saying I'm not sure he's our guy.
LAMB: [Sighs heavily] What's the problem? Too easy for you?
KEITH: Let me ask you something. Where did he keep those girls for all that time? It couldn't have been his apartment, the walls are too thin. We know he doesn't have other property. I don't think we can eliminate the possibility that it was someone else.
LAMB: [Sarcastically] Like who? Jake Kane?
Keith sighs as Lamb looks into the interrogation room through the window.
LAMB: Ah, well lookie here. He's writing. [Dismissive] Keith, I'll handle it from here. We'll send you a cheque. Keith holds back his anger and Lamb re-enters the interrogation room.
LAMB: What do you got for me, Eddie? Is it a page turner? Eddie slides the pad across the table towards Lamb. He picks it up and reads the words: I want a lawyer. Eddie stares at him malevolently as he slaps the pad back down on the table. Cut to Veronica at her desk at Mars Investigations. She's on the phone.
MAC: [Offscreen] Hello?
VERONICA: Mac. It's Veronica, hey. I just emailed you a sound file. The voice on it has been digitally altered. Do you think you can strip it down?
MAC: [Offscreen] Maybe, I'll give it a shot.
VERONICA: Thanks. Also, I think I found out what happened to the money from the lawsuit. You know "Funtime Motors"? They sell jet skis and four wheelers?
Cut to Mac, sitting in her car using her cell phone. Thereafter the scenes cut between them
MAC: Yeah, sure. My dad's a salesman there.
VERONICA: He used to own it.
VERONICA: Your dad started that business in 1992. He filed for bankruptcy in 1994 and it was bought out in early '95.
There is a long pause.
VERONICA: You still there?
MAC: I'm okay, Veronica, really.
VERONICA: Mac, I know this is hard to hear but you did have a choice in all this. There's a reason this was kept a secret.
MAC: Yeah. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I just need time to think. I'll talk to you later.
Mac gets out of her car. She is in front of the Sinclair's house. She rings the bell. Mrs Sinclair, a brunette looking remarkably like Mac opens the door. She appears to recognise Mac but doesn't acknowledge it.
MRS SINCLAIR: [Cautiously] Hello.
MAC: [Emotionally] Hi. [Pauses] I'm Cindy. I think I-I left my purse in the library when I was here for Madison's party.
MRS SINCLAIR: [Surprised] You were okay, well, come in.
Mac enters the house as Mrs Sinclair, concerned, shuts the door. They go into the dining room where Lauren is reading.
MRS SINCLAIR: Lauren, this is-
LAUREN: Hi Mac.
MAC: Hey. Finish your book, yet?
LAUREN: Twenty pages left. Can't wait.
MRS SINCLAIR: Mac thinks she might have left her purse in the library. Would you go check?
MAC: It's leopard print.
Lauren leaves the room and Mrs Sinclair turns to Mac. They are careful with each other.
MRS SINCLAIR: So, how's school?
MAC: It's good. I mean the actual school part is good, anyway.
MRS SINCLAIR: What kind of college do you think you'll-
MADISON: [Offscreen and imperious] Mom! Did you
Madison comes down the stairs.
MADISON: pick up the dry cleaning? I can't find- She stops when she sees Mac.
MRS SINCLAIR: Oh, hi honey. I guess you know Cindy. She thinks she might have left something here.
MADISON: You were here long enough to leave something?
MRS SINCLAIR: So, anybody want a snack?
MADISON: No thanks. I'm not hungry.
MAC: Sure, if it's not too much trouble.
MRS SINCLAIR: No, no trouble at all.
Mrs Sinclair puts a comforting hand on Mac's arm. Madison snorts in derision.
MADISON: I'm going upstairs. Madison turns on her heel and heads back to the stairs, sharing a dirty look with her sister as Lauren returns with Mac's bag.
MAC: Thank you.
MRS SINCLAIR: So I could make you a sandwich or
MAC: You know, I-I should probably go. It was nice to-
MRS SINCLAIR: Are you sure?
Both are emotional and Mac races out of the house, Mrs Sinclair gazing longingly after her. Cut to the sheriff's department. Keith is packing up his stuff when a distraught woman runs in.
WOMAN: Somebody help me, please? Leo goes to the counter as Keith watches.
LEO: What's the problem?
WOMAN: My daughter Kelly. She went off last night with a group of girlfriends, even though I warned her not to go to those bars. She didn't come home.
LEO: Ma'am, I'm sure she's all right.
Lamb comes out from his office.
LAMB: What's going on here?
KEITH: Her daughter's missing.
WOMAN: The strangler's got her. I know he does. If you don't find her, I will hold you responsible. All of you.
Lamb looks back at Keith. Cut to Keith, unpacking his stuff again in Lamb's office. Lamb enters.
LAMB: What are you doing here? I told you, you're out.
KEITH: Yeah, well, that was before I knew there was another girl missing.
Sacks and another deputy come to the door of the office.
SACKS: We got the test results back from the writing on the victim's palm. They were able to put together a seven digit number. It belongs to Vic Sciaraffa.
KEITH: The bartender from Body Shots.
LAMB: Who's out in the field?
SACKS: Haymark and Jones.
LAMB: Send them to his apartment-
SACKS: Already did. He's not there and his car isn't in the carport.
LAMB: I want you to send out an APB, notify the Feds. We gotta move on this thing. Okay, let's go.
Lamb shuffles everyone out except Keith. Cut to a little later. Keith is on his cell.
KEITH: Veronica, hey, it's Dad. I just need to know where you are right now.
Cut to the tracker in Keith's car as he drives in the night.
KEITH: Veronica? It's me again. Listen, I'm tracking your phone right now. Can you call me as soon as you get this? Keith pulls up outside some derelict looking buildings. He approaches a door and can hear a guitar playing. He bangs on the door to no end. He draws his gun and heads to a smaller door round the side. He kicks it in. Two guitarists stop playing, shocked at the gun pointed at them. Leo, playing drums, jerks back in his seat.
GUITARIST: It's cool. It's cool. Veronica steps slowly towards her father. Keith lowers the gun.
VERONICA: [Embarrassed] Dad, everyone. Everyone, Dad.
EVERYONE: Hey. Hey. Ah, dude.
Keith goes to Veronica.
KEITH: Are you okay, honey?
VERONICA: Aside from never wanting to show my face again.
LEO: What's going on?
KEITH: There's a new girl missing. The killer might still be on the loose and he's he might be a guy who doesn't like me and does like you.
As he gets his equilibrium back, Keith glances from Veronica to Leo.
KEITH: So you two know each other?
VERONICA: Did I forget to mention that?
Keith notices the cladding on the walls.
KEITH: You do this yourself?
LEO: Yeah, we were getting a lot of noise complaints from the neighbours.
Something clicks. Keith addresses the lead guitarist.
KEITH: Will you follow Veronica back to the sheriff's department?
GUITARIST: Yeah.
KEITH: [To Leo] You got your piece with you?
LEO: Ah, yeah.
KEITH: [To Veronica] Okay, you go, [then to Leo with a gesture] come here.
Veronica watches with bemusement as Leo follows Keith out. Cut to Keith and Leo screeching to a stop outside the guitar shop. Keith is on the radio.
KEITH: Deputy D'Amato and I are checking out Evermore Guitars. It's probably nothing.
RADIO: Roger.
They get out of the car and inspect the door.
KEITH: Closed Saturday and Sunday. Abducts the girl Friday, disposes of the body Sunday night. It's a theory at least. They back away to look at the premises.
LEO: What do you wanna do?
KEITH: Find a way in.
Keith picks up something from the ground.
LEO: What is it?
KEITH: Wrist band from Body Shots.
Keith gets a crowbar from the boot of his car and applies it to the door.
KEITH: Hey, can you stay here? Give me a signal if he shows up.
Cut to Keith in the store. He throws open the sliding glass door into the room behind the counter. In the dark, he painfully bumps into a drum set, causing the symbol to clang. He hears a muffled cry.
KELLY: Hello? Is someone out there?
KEITH: [Shouting] Hold on, hold on, I'm coming for ya.
Keith hits a switch for light but instead turns on disco lights which do little to illuminate the scene. He heads for what looks like a small refrigerator.
KEITH: I'm with the sheriff's department. Hang tight. He frantically applies the crowbar to the padlock. Behind him, and unseen, a figure is creeping down the stairs in the corner of the room, holding some sort of weapon. Keith gets the padlock off and wrenches open the fridge. He pulls Kelly out.
KEITH: Are you okay? Breathe. She does and looks up and over Keith's shoulder. She screams. Gabe is behind Keith, arms raised to bring his weapon down on his head. Before he can, he is tackled from behind by Leo. Gabe gets the upper hand and is on top of Leo. He starts to choke him. He stops when he hears Keith's gun cocked close to his head.
KEITH: Stop. Now, or I will shoot you. Gabe knows it's all over. Cut to the sheriff's department. Leo is packing stuff up at his desk. Veronica approaches.
VERONICA: You know, saving the life of a gal's dad, smooth.
LEO: [Softly] Hey.
Veronica notes his muted response and what hs is doing.
VERONICA: Is everything okay?
LEO: Not really. Sheriff just came and told me I've been suspended for a week seeing as the evidence room was left unlocked on my shift the other night. Somebody must have snuck off with the key when I wasn't looking. You know anything about that?
Veronica gives him a baleful, and guilty, look.
LEO: [Chuckles] Can't say I wasn't warned. Leo leaves. Veronica watches him sadly.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Same old story. Girl uses boy. Girl falls for boy. Boy saves girl's dad's life. Girl gets what she deserves. Her cell rings.
VERONICA: Yeah?
Cut to Mac, at home and thereafter between them.
MAC: It's me. Are you busy?
VERONICA: No, I'm suddenly very free.
MAC: I decoded the message, I think, so do you wanna swing by tomorrow morning and hear it?
VERONICA: Sure.
MAC: You gotta make it early though. I'm going camping with my family.
VERONICA: Camping?
MAC: It's a bi-annual rite of torture.
Cut to the next morning. Natalie is racing about as Veronica and Mac sit at the dining table at the laptop.
MAC: I'll play this recording at a few different speeds. Tell me when you think it's right.
VERONICA: Sounds good.
NATALIE: Oh, ah, honey. Did you remember a pillow?
MAC: Yeah, I've packed it.
NATALIE: Good.
Natalie carries on racing about.
VERONICA: So where are you guys headed?
MAC: Ah, Yosemite maybe. I never know 'til I get there. Okay, here we go.
VOICE: The Kane girl. His name is Abel Koontz.
VERONICA: No, nothing yet.
MAC: Let's try this.
VOICE: I know who killed the Kane girl.
MAC: Veronica, I gotta go soon.
VERONICA: I know. Can you just try it one more time.
VOICE: His name is Abel Koontz. He lives in a houseboat on the marina.
VERONICA: Stop. I know who it is.
Cut to outside Mac's home. Ryan is running around the camper with his ball gun.
NATALIE: Ryan, if you don't want to be left, I suggest you get into this camper. Natalie chases Ryan offscreen as Mac's father, Samuel, comes out of the camper.
SAMUEL: Honey, you have everything you need, uh, pocket knife, headlamp, latest works of staggering genius?
MAC: Yeah, Dad, it's all accounted for.
SAMUEL: All right.
Samuel heads back towards the house and Mac sticks some stuff into the camper. When she turns, she sees a small car on the other side of the road. 46bliss's beautiful "The Way You Are" starts up.
SONG: All the way around alone. All, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place
It's Mrs Sinclair. Mac walks up to the car. The window is rolled up. Mac puts her spread hand on the window. Mrs Sinclair covers her hand with her own, the glass between. She starts to sob as they stare at each other. Cut to Natalie and Samuel, ready to go.
NATALIE: Cindy! What are you doing? Come on, let's go.
MAC: I'll be there in a minute, Mom.
As Mac turns to address her parents, her hand drops. Mrs Sinclair drives away. Mac stares after the car then rejoins her family.
MAC: So where are we going this year, anyway?
NATALIE: Come on. Let's hit the road.
Cut to Veronica at Mars Investigations. She puts her telephoto lens on her camera.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I suppose this isn't my smartest move. I don't care. I want him to know what it feels like.
Cut to Kane Sofware. A man approaches a reception desk.
RECEPTIONIST: Hey boss. Package came for you. She slides an envelope over the counter. He opens it as he walks away and finds pictures of himself, for it is Clarence Wiedman, on his own, with a small boy and with Jake Kane. He returns to the receptionist.
WIEDMAN: How'd this package arrive?
RECEPTIONIST: Messenger.
WIEDMAN: I wanna find out who paid to have it sent here. Today.
Wiedman goes to his office (#162).
VERONICA VOICEOVER: You send target photos of me to my mom. You call in the Abel Koontz tip. Two words for you, Clarence Wiedman: game on. End.