THE TWIN DILEMMA
BY: ANTHONY STEVEN
Part Three
Running time: 24:27
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor appears. A bit.)
PERI: Did you see that?
LT HUGO LANG: I think so.
PERI: Do Doctor, I ahhh are you here?
LT HUGO LANG: What in heaven's name is going on? You're flesh and blood at least.
PERI: Leave me alone.
DOCTOR: Oh, that stupid girl's watch. How I hate these hit or miss performances.
PERI: Doctor, thank heavens, whatever happened?
DOCTOR: Your watch stopped. I overcompensated, ended up in the wrong time zone. Ten seconds into your future.
PERI: I thought you'd been killed.
DOCTOR: You cared?
PERI: Of course I did.
DOCTOR: You know I'll never understand the people of earth. I have spent the day using, abusing, even tried to kill you. If you'd behaved as I have, I should have been pleased at your demise.
PERI: It's called compassion, Doctor. It's the difference that remains between us.
DOCTOR: Earthlings.
LT HUGO LANG: Would someone like to tell me what is going on?
DOCTOR: Ah, Corporal Lang, how are you?
LT HUGO LANG: Lieutenant. I was fine, I'm not sure any more. My ship.
DOCTOR: You were lucky to escape, no one else did.
PERI: I'm sorry. What went wrong?
LT HUGO LANG: I don't know, the controls seized, after that I don't remember anything til I came to in here. What is this place, who are you?
PERI: I'm Peri, and this is the Doctor. He saved your life.
DOCTOR: And we did not abduct the twins.
LT HUGO LANG: Twins, what do you know about them?
DOCTOR: Never mind about that now, look, do put that thing away will you? If you ever hope to see them again your only chance is to come with us.
LT HUGO LANG: Where to?
DOCTOR At a guess, Jaconda.
LT HUGO LANG: All right, you don't leave me any choice, do you?
DOCTOR: Not really.
(On Jaconda.)
ROMULUS: He was your friend.
REMUS: That girl did you no harm.
ROMULUS: You've left them there to die.
AZMAEL: They will survive. Now if you don't mind.
REMUS: And your name isn't Edgeworth
ROMULUS It's Azmael.
AZMAEL: Yes, yes, I agree, a small deception, now be patient and sensible.
DRAK: Master.
AZMAEL: What is it?
DRAK: That blip on the scanner.
AZMAEL: Yes. Very far ahead.
DRAK: We're on the same course.
AZMAEL: Oh, some merchant man. No concern of ours.
NOMA: They will not survive. AZMAEL I don't understand.
NOMA: The safe house. I set it to self destruct.
AZMAEL: You madman, I gave no orders!
NOMA: That is perfectly correct.
AZMAEL: But it's murder! Why, Noma, why?
NOMA: It is what the lord Mestor would have wished.
(Back to the TARDIS.)
PERI: But why would he want to kill us?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
PERI: And if he's going to Jaconda, why stop off Titan Three?
LT HUGO LANG: Oh, that was just to put us off the scent.
DOCTOR: No no no no no. No, no. No no nononono. No, consider what we know. Azmael, or whatever he happens to call himself needs the genius of the twins, he crosses galaxies to possess their minds. He says he's no longer master of his planet, but he wants to save his people. And that I cannot help him to do so. Even if he does believe such unimaginable rubbish he must be faced by some unimaginable disaster which has unhinged his mind. Well. We shall soon discover what it is.
(On Jaconda.)
MESTOR: Who is this creature?
CHAMBERLAIN: A porter from the royal hatcheries, Master.
MESTOR: What is his crime?
CHAMBERLAIN: After routine search following his tour of duty, he was found to have this concealed on his person.
MESTOR: What does it contain?
CHAMBERLAIN: Vegetables from the royal hatcheries, Master
MESTOR: The penalty is death. Have you anything to say?
PRISONER: Mercy, great Master, mercy! My family is starving.
MESTOR: Many are starving, it is no difference. Now your family will have to starve without your company. Stand aside, guards. You will suffer the maximum penalty - death by embolism.
PRISONER: No, no not that. Shoot me! Ah! Aaaaaagghh!
MESTOR: Cold storage. ** CLAP ON! ** The carcass may be of use to our slaves if this famine continues. Azmael will soon be here?
CHAMBERLAIN: Yes, Master.
MESTOR: When he arrives, have him escorted to his laboratory with the earthlings. I will see him there.
(On the surface. The TARDIS materializes.)
DOCTOR: Haaaa. Jaconda the beautiful.
PERI: You call this beautiful? Doctor, it's absolutely ghastly!
DOCTOR: Oh no. It should not be true. The giant gastropods.
LT HUGO LANG: What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Half humanoid, half slug, part of Jacondan mythology.
PERI: So?
DOCTOR: Well, just look around you, look at the devastation.
PERI: Gastropods did this?
DOCTOR What else?
PERI: Are you sure your mind isn't wandering again?
DOCTOR: Of course not. So, it wasn't a myth after all. Somewhere somehow their seed survived. Now they have returned.
LT HUGO LANG: Nonsense.
DOCTOR: You think so?
LT HUGO LANG: Well of course it is.
DOCTOR: I wish I could agree with you. This was once a forest grove. Look at the trees! No trace of foliage. The very bark stripped of the trunks. And the soil! Barren. Nothing but these telltale tracks. The slime trails of the giant gastropods. I fear the evidence is quite conclusive.
PERI: Doctor. You're beginning to scare me.
DOCTOR: I'm beginning to scare myself, Peri.
PERI: Now what?
DOCTOR: Into the TARDIS. I must think.
(On the freighter.)
AZMAEL: Freighter to Jaconda control. Freight to Jaconda control.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: Receiving you freighter.
AZMAEL: Approaching re-entry, permission to touch down at omega intersection.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: You are clear to approach.
AZMAEL: Thank you control.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: On arrival report to palace. Transport will be waiting. Out.
(In the TARDIS.)
PERI: What are you gonna do?
DOCTOR: Panic at any moment.
LT HUGO LANG: Where is Edgeworth likely to have taken the twins?
DOCTOR: The palace.
LT HUGO LANG: Well shouldn't we go there?
DOCTOR: And be killed?
LT HUGO LANG: Just give me directions and I'll go alone, if you're afraid.
DOCTOR: Me, afraid?
LT HUGO LANG Well, aren't you?
DOCTOR: You have a nasty habit of pinpointing the truth, young man.
PERI: We we we can't let him go alone! DOCTOR Watch me.
PERI: Well you know what's out there, he doesn't!
DOCTOR: Well then let him go to the palace, and he'll know as much as I do.
PERI: Oh Doctor you must help.
DOCTOR: Is this another attempt to teach me compassion?
LT HUGO LANG: Just tell me where it is and I'll be happy to go alone.
DOCTOR: It's all right for you! You're young, strong, fit of limb.You're confident in your mission,your energy's boundless, you're highly motivated to success. You even have a gun to enforce your will upon others. Look at me, I'm old, lacking in vigour, my mind's in a turmoil, I no longer know if I'm coming, have gone or even been. I'm falling to pieces! I no longer even have any clothes sense!
PERI: Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself!
DOCTOR: Self pity is all I have left.
PERI: You've got the TARDIS. You still know how to operate it. Take the Lieutenant to the palace!
LT HUGO LANG: Now, if you please.
DOCTOR: As you wish.
(Underground.)
PERI: That's the seediest looking stately home I've ever seen.
DOCTOR: Well you didn't expect me to materialise in the throne room.
LT HUGO LANG: Where are the twins likely to be?
DOCTOR: Anywhere.
LT HUGO LANG: Well, I won't find them waiting around here.
DOCTOR: I'll come with you.
LT HUGO LANG: No need, thank you for bringing me here.
DOCTOR: You didn't give me much choice! Now look, Sergeant -
PERI: Lieutenant.
DOCTOR AND LT HUGO LANG Lieutenant.
DOCTOR: Don't be smug with me. Now I've already explained my condition, I may be behaving like a manic barometer, but don't shrug off help when it's offered. You can't afford to.
LT HUGO LANG: I thank you for your offer, but frankly I find you unreliable.
DOCTOR: So is most currency. Doesn't stop people from spending money wisely.
PERI: The Doctor might be useful.
LT HUGO LANG: Well, all right. But if you become unstable again, Doctor, I won't hesitate to kill you.
(After the freighter lands.)
ROMULUS: Where are you taking us?
AZMAEL: You'll see.
REMUS: Why do you like to play the man of mystery?
ROMULUS: It's a role you play very badly.
REMUS It's so blatantly transparent.
AZMAEL: Continue to provoke me and the matter that contains your genius will finish up as so much animal fodder!
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Hideous. Utterly hideous!
PERI: Are you sure this is the right place?
DOCTOR: Hm? Absolutely. Azmael showed me once. This passage leads to the center of the palace. Used to be an underground bolthole in times of danger. Ah, seems to be clear. Shall we go?
PERI: I just hope you don't get us lost.
(To Azmael.)
DOCTOR: Oh, definite possibility that.
AZMAEL: This is where I work. The palace laboratory.
CHAMBERLAIN: Greetings.
ROMULUS What's in there?
AZMAEL: Eggs. You're looking at Lord Mestor's incubator. The future citizens of Jaconda.
REMUS: They're gastropod eggs.
CHAMBERLAIN: Such knowledge.
ROMULUS: Who is this?
AZMAEL: One of Lord Mestor's lackeys.
CHAMBERLAIN: Not quite, Azmael. I am a humble servant of the Lord Mestor. I am his Chamberlain. Welcome to the planet Jaconda. I will inform the Lord Mestor of your safe arrival.
AZMAEL: If you must, do so.
CHAMBERLAIN: It's my duty, he's commanded me.
AZMAEL: Well hurry then. And you too, Noma.
NOMA: No I must remain, I too have been commanded.
AZMAEL: One day you will discover for yourselves that treason is universal. Let it not concern you now. And don't be afraid of what lies in store for us.
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: This way. Come along. Ah, there they are. I don't know how old they are, but they tell the whole story. The Queen of Jaconda offended the sun god. This way. He inflicted a terrible revenge. He sent a creature, half humanoid, half slug. This creature's offspring were numberless. They ravaged the planet, the population starved. When he saw what he'd done the sun god relented. He sent a drought which destroyed the slugs. The people of Jaconda survived. That's the story as Azmael related it.
PERI: Now what do you think?
DOCTOR: It was more truth than myth. I think some dormant eggs survived.
PERI: For how long?
DOCTOR: Too long, it seems. Shut off the torch. Listen.
PERI: What is it?
DOCTOR: The sound of giant slugs.
LT HUGO LANG: What a stench!
DOCTOR: Their gastric tracts. Rotting vegetables.
PERI: Or rotting flesh.
LT HUGO LANG: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Whatever is it now?
LT HUGO LANG: I'm ... I'm stuck!
DOCTOR: Oh no, I should have thought of that! Their slime trails harden like concrete, only far faster.
LT HUGO LANG: Well never mind that, just get me out of it, you!
DOCTOR: Easier said than done.
PERI Well we can't leave him here.
LT HUGO LANG: Maybe if I turn my gun down low I can melt the stuff.
DOCTOR: Oh, if you like, but try not to burn your feet off.
(To Azmael.)
MESTOR: So these are your prodigies. They seem quite insignificant.
AZMAEL: Their brains are not.
MESTOR: We shall see. Have you told them why we need them?
AZMAEL: Not in detail. So far they've simply worked to orders.
MESTOR: I suggest that you do tell them. If they know that our purpose is benevolent, they may prove to be less intransigent.
AZMAEL: Very well.
MESTOR: How far advanced are you?
AZMAEL: We need another day.
MESTOR: Very well, I will leave you.
AZMAEL: Mestor. Do not monitor my thoughts.
MESTOR: Why not?
AZMAEL: It interferes with my concentration.
MESTOR: They may be treasonable thoughts.
AZMAEL: There can be no treason without fellow conspirators, and aI have none. You control the minds of all my most faithful subjects.
MESTOR: I do not trust you.
AZMAEL: A mistake, Mestor. The last hope for my people is the success of this undertaking. I wouldn't allow my personal loathing for you to interfere with that.
MESTOR: Very well.
AZMAEL: Remove Noma, too.
NOMA: Master.
MESTOR: Until your work is done.
AZMAEL: They don't trust you, either, that's why they've left you here, to see the measure of your treachery.
DRAK: But I'm not a traitor.
AZMAEL: True, but I believe they think you are my friend.
DRAK: I would value your friendship.
AZMAEL It could cost you your life.
DRAK: I could think of worse reasons for dying.
AZMAEL: Thank you. Now. Pay attention. That is our sun, that is Jaconda. Those are two lesser planets. Now I once ruled Jaconda, but now Mestor has usurped me. His kind takes all and gives nothing, there is nothing left for my people.
REMUS: What are we supposed to do?
AZMAEL: Help me to provide the only possible solution.
ROMULUS: You'd better tell us what it is.
AZMAEL: We need new sources of supply. And we're going to bring those two planets into orbit around Jaconda.
TWINS: What?
AZMAEL: Oh yes. And then they will have the same atmospheres and climates, they will be the larders of Jaconda. Everything is in readiness. All we lack is what you two possess, that mathematical delicacy that will stabilise those two planets in their new orbit.
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Now, let me see. We follow this passage to the end, flight of steps up to the palace hall, doorway at the left just up at the top. Yes, that's it. Private doorway into the back of his laboratory. That's where he's bound to be.
PERI: Who?
DOCTOR: What?
PERI: Who will be there?
DOCTOR: Me. Once I can get away from this fool. Will you hurry up?
LT HUGO LANG: I'm doing the best I can.
DOCTOR: Well it's not good enough! Look what you've done you stupid girl, you've ruined everything!
PERI: It wasn't my fault!
DOCTOR: Of course it was your fault, sheer carelessness! Switching off that torch when you did, don't argue with me!
PERI: I will! I'm not letting a manic depressive paranoid personality like you shut me up!
DOCTOR: Manic depressive! Me!
PERI: Well can't you hear yourself? You're having another of your fits!
DOCTOR: Right that's it, I'm off!
LT HUGO LANG Calm down, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Calm down? Calm da, calm down? The fate of a whole planet hanging in the balance and he tells me to calm down.
LT HUGO LANG: Look, I'll be free in a moment.
DOCTOR: Oh, fend for yourselves! PERI Oh, Doctor!
LT HUGO LANG: Don't waste your breath, we'll manage.
(Back to Azmael.)
AZMAEL: Everything is controlled from this panel. When the information you provide has been fed into the computer, we shall operate this switch.
REMUS: What happens if we refuse to help?
AZMAEL: Then I shall have to kill you! I've already told you that this is the only way we can save my people.
ROMULUS: Aren't you forgetting the consequence of what you're asking!
AZMAEL: Look, everything has been considered, how many times must I tell you!
REMUS: He's mad.
REMUS: Quite mad.
ROMULUS: Azmael! Edgeworth!
DOCTOR (OUTSIDE): We won't do it!
TWINS: You'll do as I tell you!
AZMAEL: Still bullying children, eh?
(He enters.)
DOCTOR: Villain! Murderer!
DOCTOR: Doctor!
AZMAEL: (shouts something)
DOCTOR: That's enough, Doctor!
AZMAEL:
DOCTOR: I apologize. However I still would like to know why you tried to murder us.
DRAK: He didn't.
ROMULUS: He didn't know.
REMUS: It was Noma.
AZMAEL: Look, I can't believe it. How did you escape?
DOCTOR: That doesn't matter now. I think you better tell me what's going on here.
(Back to Peri.)
PERI: Pity about your boot.
LT HUGO LANG: Never mind. Where to now?
PERI: Find the Doctor.
LT HUGO LANG: Right.
(To Mestor.)
PERI: No! No! Hugo! No! No! No! No!
MESTOR: Who are these aliens on Titan Three?
NOMA: A Time Lord and an earth girl.
MESTOR: And Azmael would have let them live?
NOMA: Yes.
MESTOR: But now he knows them to be dead.
NOMA: He does, I told him so.
MESTOR: You have done well, Noma.
NOMA: No more than is my duty.
MESTOR: What have we here?
NOMA: Impossible! She must have died!
MESTOR: Is this the earth girl you say you killed? It seems you have not done so well after all. Where did you find her?
JACONDAN GUARD: In a passage underneath the palace.
MESTOR: Alone?
JACONDAN GUARD: There was another with her. We left him half dead.
MESTOR: This is a dangerous complication. Fetch him to me. At once! At once!
(To Azmael and Doctor.)
AZMAEL: That is the plan. Now what is your opinion?
DOCTOR: You really intend to put it into operation? You know what'll happen, don't you?
ROMULUS: We've already told him.
AZMAEL The risks must be taken.
DOCTOR: This is not a risk, Azmael, this is doomsday! One tiny error in your calculation you'll blow a small hole in the universe.
LT HUGO LANG: Doctor! Doctor, they've got Peri!
DOCTOR: Peri? Peri!
AZMAEL: Stop him!
DOCTOR: No, leave me, I must go to her!
AZMAEL: And tell Mestor everything and condemn my plan to certain death?
DOCTOR: But I must help her!
AZMAEL: No, Doctor, if necessary she must die.
DOCTOR: No. Peri!


Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Pam: Yeah.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley: ... I'll take the kid.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I'll trade.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yup?
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael: Please.
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy: Bueno.
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let's go get a broom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Here we go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam: Really?
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam: Ok. Sure.
Angela: Ok.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?
Phyllis: Um-hmmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Leave the keys.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Michael: Hawkman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: After you sir.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam: That's great.
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep.
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Michael: No.
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it.
Andy: Ow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy: I really 'Schruted' it.
Michael: What?
Andy: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius: Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Ryan: Hi.
Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan: Oh...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Man: 'Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Dwight: Thanks.
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight: [On Phone] One...
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Dwight: Three...
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Dwight: Seven...
Jim: We can custom make them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Pam: $100.
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Jim: Thanks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Pam: Oh.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh?
Angela: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen: That's nice.
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Karen: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Beesley, coffee?
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Jim: Oh
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Congratulations.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Big deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar.
Michael: You are lying right now.
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: It's going to be ok.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen: 'Kay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
Michael: Good luck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good.


BLACK SCREEN: Previously On
GIBBS: (V.O.) Previously on NCIS. MUSIC IN:
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
(BEGIN FLASHBACK SCENES)
ARI: Sorry, Caitlin.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Ari!
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: I found Ari's sniper's nest, Boss. Didn't police his brass.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. I could have killed Ari right here.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Are you okay?
ABBY: Yeah.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: His sniping Abby means he's after my people.
(SCENE CUT)
MORROW: I've been offered a Deputy Director's position with Homeland Security.
GIBBS: Well who will be replacing you, Sir?
SHEPARD: Hello, Jethro.
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: On the job it is Director Shepard or Ma'am.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: I'm here to see Special Agent Gibbs.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: You first.
TONY: Ziva David. Mossad. She's here to stop you from whacking Ari.
GIBBS: Director Jenny Sheppard, same mission.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: Ari Haswari is a Mossad operative undercover in Hamas. He hasn't turned on us or you.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (IN HEBREW) Do you have the passport and money?
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (IN HEBREW) Yes.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (IN HEBREW) Use the drop.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (INTO PHONE) Doctor Mallard, I want to prove I didn't kill Caitlin.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) By taking Gerald hostage?
ARI: (V.O./FILTERED) Gerald is free to go.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (INTO PHONE) Come alone, and you can exchange places.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/DUCKY WALKS IN THE STREET)
(MUSIC OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - FLASHBACK
GERALD: You shouldn't have come, Doctor.
DUCKY: Couldn't let the b*st*rd put a bullet in your good shoulder or you'd never return to work. Do you have your cell phone?
GERALD: Ari took it.
DUCKY: Keep walking. Don't turn back until you're behind the wheel. Where is Ari?
GERALD: In the back seat.
DUCKY: Well, when I reach your car, I'll lean in through the open window. That's your cue to drive off, fast!
GERALD: Doctor Mallard...
DUCKY: Go straight to NCIS. Tell Gibbs everything that's happened.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
DUCKY: (RECORDED VOICE) You've reached Doctor Donald Mallard. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
(SFX: BEEP TONE)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I said no one was to leave the building!
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Ducky, please call, okay? We're really worried--
GIBBS: (LOUDLY INTO PHONE) No one includes you, Doctor Mallard!
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) We're worried including Gibbs.... or he wouldn't be yelling. (TO GIBBS) Look Gibbs, it's not Ducky's fault, okay? He probably did Kate's autopsy on auto pilot and then just drove himself home the same way.
MCGEE: Boss! An outside call came into autopsy twenty three minutes ago. I'm tracing the number!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GERALD RUSHES TO THE MORGAN/ DUCKY WALKS TO ARI'S CAR)
(GERALD CLIMBS IN AND OUT OF THE CAR)
ARI: You look surprised.
DUCKY: I expected to be shot.
ARI: Doctor, please. I would never harm a fellow physician.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GERALD ATTEMPTS TO DRIVE THE MORGAN)
DUCKY: (SHOUTS) Use the clutch! Good God, man!! Use the clutch! You're stripping the gears!(SFX: GEARS GRINDING B.G.)
ARI: This is too painful, Doctor.
DUCKY: (SHOUTS) Gerald, turn it off!
ARI: Obviously Gerald does not have an intimate relationship with a standard transmission.
DUCKY: Unbelievable.
ARI: The price of growing up in America. That was so unnecessary, Doctor. Gerald is free to leave... in his own car.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: Boss, that call came from Gerald Jackson's cell phone!
ABBY: I'd almost forgot about Gerald.
MCGEE: He's been in rehab a year.
ABBY: Maybe he heard about Kate and he called Ducky.
MCGEE: They're in a pub somewhere consoling each other.
ABBY: Yes!
GIBBS: I don't like it.
ABBY: Why?
MCGEE: (OVERLAP) Why?
GIBBS: I don't need a reason why!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
ARI: Did you buy it in such pristine condition?
DUCKY: God, no. The frame had severe termite damage.
ARI: That's right. The Morgan has a wood frame.
DUCKY: Mm-hmm. The top was in rags. The body dented. The rocker panels rusted out. It was a disgrace.
ARI: Who did the restoration?
DUCKY: I did.
ARI: Of course you did.
DUCKY: Do you doubt me?
ARI: Not at all, Doctor. I was thinking of the irony. That hands so skilled at dissecting the dead are also capable of restoring life... at least to a machine.
DUCKY: What do you want, Ari?
ARI: A test drive.
(PHONE RINGS)
ARI: Now who at NCIS could be calling Gerald at this hour? Hmm? Oh well... Gerald is sure to arrive there shortly. Doctor? Oh, your cell phone. Now buckle up, Doctor. It's a dangerous night.
(SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: I'm getting voice mail.
ABBY: They probably can't hear their phones because they're in a pub.
MCGEE: Do you want to leave a message?
GIBBS: No. Get a GPS fix.(BEAT) Snap it up, McGee!
MCGEE: One second, Boss. Got it.
GIBBS: Georgetown. Olive and Twenty-ninth. I know that street. That's mostly residential. Locate Ducky's cell.
ABBY: See. They're together.
GIBBS: There's no pub there.
ABBY: Well maybe Gerald lives there.
MCGEE: That's negative. He lives on Peabody.
ABBY: So they're parked. They're talking.
MCGEE: Want me to go with you, Boss?
GIBBS: No. Tony's out. Stay here with Abby.
ABBY: For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SWIMMING POOL - NIGHT
(MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)
KATE: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?
TONY: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.
KATE: You're forgetting your mother.
TONY: Mothers don't count.
KATE: And that lawyer. Marla?
TONY: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.
KATE: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.
TONY: Does not.
KATE: Does too.
TONY: Does not.
KATE: Does too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. GEORGETOWN STREET - NIGHT
(SFX: RAIN FALLING B.G.)
GIBBS: Okay, where are they now?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Same place, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Olive and Twenty ninth.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Get a fix on my cell.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Okay.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) You're right on top of them!
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Damn it, McGee! They are not here!
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) They have to be, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. Is there a pub?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) No!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) There is no pub! No people - there are no cars!
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, I was just checking.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How accurate is this fix, McGee?
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Within twenty five meters.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/
KATE: It's going to happen again, isn't it? Ducky's going to take a bullet for you.
GIBBS: He won't kill Ducky.
KATE: Why not? Because you couldn't live with the guilt? Maybe Ari knows that. Maybe that's his plan. Maybe the only way to save Ducky, Abby, and McGee is to kill yourself.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES/ CELL PHONE RING TONE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(PHONE RINGS)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Special Agent McGee.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I found Ducky and Gerald's cell phone in the park.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Why would they leave their cell phones in the park?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) They wouldn't McGee!
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Do you want me to come down there?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) If I wanted you to....
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... come down here, I would have told you so. Put a BOLO out on Ducky's Morgan. Get his license plate from his file.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, Ari has Gerald and Ducky.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) They're not dead, Abs.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) How do you know?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Because Ari dumped their cell phones in the park, not their bodies.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Ah... Boss? Gerald's here.
GERALD: Ari's got....
(SCENE CUT)
GERALD: (V.O./FILTERED) ...Doctor Mallard.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How'd you get away?!
GERALD: (V.O./FILTERED) I didn't.
(SCENE CUT)
GERALD: (INTO PHONE) Ari let me go.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SWIMMING POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY SEARCHES THE POCKET)
DANA: Excuse me. May I?
TONY: You certainly may.
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
GERALD: I've never driven a stick.
ABBY: Are you serious?
MCGEE: What? You can drive a stick?
ABBY: Yeah, since I was like ten.
GERALD: What were you driving when you were ten?
ABBY: A red forty-seven Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.
MCGEE: Bubba?
ABBY: Ah, best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I don't believe in coincidences, Tony.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I know, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED/MUFFLED) You've beat that into me.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Haven't I beat that into you?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) That's what I said.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) What did you say?
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I said the reception sucks!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Stay with them. I'm on my way.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) What if they split up?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What about your gut?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) It wants a pizza. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
GIBBS: Oh, god. What do we have?
MCGEE: Ari picked up Gerald to force Ducky into a meet.
GIBBS: You warn him?
GERALD: I did. But you know Doctor Mallard. He came anyway.
GIBBS: It's not your fault, Gerald. Ari's the b*st*rd. Ducky made the decision to go, not you. Debrief him. Write it up. I'll be with Tony at the Embassy Hotel.
ABBY: Um, Tony's at the Embasero.
GIBBS: Why did he say the Embassy?
ABBY: Cell phone garble.
GIBBS: All right, from now on everyone is using phonetics, like we did in the Corps.
ABBY: Um... golf-India-bravo-bravo-sierra. Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out here with nothing to do.
GIBBS: Okay, but don't leave...
ABBY: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo. Yankee. Echo.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
DANA: Mind if I join you?
ZIVA: One more lap and you'll have it all to yourself.
DANA: How's the water?
ZIVA: Lovely. Have a nice swim.
DANA: Thank you.(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY TAKES PICTURES)
(ZIVA WALKS FROM THE POOL HOUSE/TONY WATCHES DANA)
TONY: (SOFTLY) They're switching robes.(TONY RUSHES TO THE ROBE AND SEARCHES THE POCKET)
DANA: Hey! What are you doing?
TONY: Going for a swim.
DANA: There's a locker room.
TONY: I'm fine.
DANA: Where's your swimsuit?
TONY: Don't have one.
DANA: I should call security.
TONY: You didn't see the sign.
DANA: What sign?
TONY: I must have been blocking it. Uh... remember I was waiting outside and you wanted to come in?
DANA: Oh, I remember.
TONY: The Hackensack Nudist Society. From ten twenty seven until eleven fifty one the pool is ours. And it's our third annual convention. Here's Agnes and Agnew right now. He's our President and Agnes is our social secretary. Hey guys. You look funny with clothes on.
DANA: Inventive. Funny even. But I'm married.
TONY: So am I!(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Boss, can you hear me?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Across the street.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Boss?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah!
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Gotcha.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - NIGHT
TONY: Ziva slipped a phony French passport and some cash (SNIFFS) to the woman with the Star of David (SNIFFS) I told you about. I love you, Boss.
GIBBS: How do you know the passport's a phony?
TONY: Ari's photo, but not his name?
GIBBS: What name's he using?
TONY: Aren't you curious to know how I got it?
GIBBS: I assume you improvised like a good agent should.
TONY: But what an improv! I swear to God I could get a gig on SNL. Okay, dig this. I pretend like I'm this real goofy guy trying to get--
GIBBS: You pretended?
TONY: That hurt, boss.
GIBBS: What's the name?
TONY: Well....
GIBBS: The name?
TONY: René Saurel. (SPELLS) S.A.U.R.E.L.
GIBBS: Description?
TONY: All I saw was the name and the photo.
GIBBS: The woman?
TONY: About five foot nine, dark hair, blue and white jogging outfit. Big gym bag. Real pretty girl. Looked enough like Ziva to be her sister. Real pretty.
GIBBS: Maybe she is. Mossad's like the Mafia. One big happy family. (INTO PHONE) Hey, McGee. I've got a passport alert. Ari is traveling with a French passport under an alias, René Saurel. Sierra. Alpha. Uniform. Romeo. Echo. Lima.
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay, what alert category?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Terrorism!
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) On it.
TONY: That ought to get Custom's attention.
GIBBS: Well, let's make sure he doesn't get that far.
TONY: Boss, that's her.
GIBBS: Stay with Ziva.
TONY: What if this girl's meeting Ari? I mean, you're going to need backup. Let me rephrase that.
GIBBS: Out!
TONY: (V.O.) Thanks for the pizza, boss!
GIBBS: Thank the night shift. I swiped it from them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS FOLLOWS THE TAXI CAB)
(GIBBS BRAKES TO A STOP)
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Ari! Get out, Ari!
DUCKY: Good grief, Jethro. Put that weapon down. I've had enough excitement for tonight. Ari abducts me. Gerald strips my gears. And now you play chicken on a wet street.
GIBBS: Where's Ari?
DUCKY: Well gone I imagine. We were parked about ... well, a ways back. He received a cell phone call and then told me to drive down the street for ten minutes.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) McGee! Congress Cab number seventeen picked up a female fare at the Embasero Hotel ten minutes ago. If he's en route, I need his twenty. If he's dropped his fare, then get me an address. And take the BOLO off Ducky's Morgan. He's safe.
DUCKY: Our paths didn't cross by accident.
GIBBS: Ari's cell call came from that woman in that cab I was tailing.
DUCKY: He sent me down this street so that you would run into me.
GIBBS: Yeah! A cab keeps going. Picks him up. They're gone!
DUCKY: Ari abducts me to get you off her tail.
GIBBS: Maybe. What'd you talk about?
DUCKY: Well, my Morgan for a while. He was surprisingly knowledgeable. Then Edinburgh Medical School. Yeah, we were both alumni. A few decades apart...
GIBBS: Anything important, Ducky?
DUCKY: He swore he didn't kill Caitlin. Made a very logical and passionate defense.
GIBBS: You believe him?
DUCKY: He was very persuasive. Said he knows you'll never believe him.
GIBBS: He's right about that.
DUCKY: (OVERLAP) And that it's a shame that one of you has to die. He's arrogantly confident that it won't be him. But said on the off chance that it is, to keep looking for Caitlin's killer.
GIBBS: He's a slick b*st*rd, Duck. But he's right. One of us is going to die.
DUCKY: Jethro! Jethro!
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
(GIBBS DRIVES O.S.)
(FADE OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. HOTEL - RAINING
ZIVA: Espresso? Take it. It's not a bribe.
TONY: How long have you known I was...
ZIVA: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
TONY: I don't think so.
ZIVA: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on...
TONY: Okay. You knew.
ZIVA: Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
TONY: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
ZIVA: Our training?
TONY: Modesty.
ZIVA: Um... there's a slice in there. (BEAT) Toda.
TONY: Prego.
ZIVA: I lost my little sister, Tali, in a Hamas suicide bombing. She was sixteen and the best of us. Tali had compassion.
TONY: I'm sorry.
ZIVA: After Tali's death I was like Gibbs. All I wanted was revenge.
TONY: Is that why you joined Mossad?
ZIVA: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
TONY: Family tradition?
ZIVA: Israeli sense of duty.
TONY: So come on. Who recruited you? Your father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
ZIVA: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.
TONY: You're good. You almost got me off the question. Almost.
ZIVA: I volunteered. Laila Tov.
TONY: Buona notte.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(SFX: CABINET DRAWER OPENS)
KATE: (V.O.) Why haven't you come down to see me yet? (ON CAMERA) If you don't peek at the back of my head, I'll just look like I'm asleep. (SIGHS) I'm so lonely I'd even welcome a visit from Tony.
ABBY: McGee! Didn't Tony match the tire tracks to a Chevy Suburban?
MCGEE: Uh, yeah. Bridgestone Duelers. Factory issue. Uh, what are you doing?
ABBY: We caught a break. N-O-R orbited a new Keyhole. They're doing calibration tests using the seventh hole of the Norfolk Naval golf course.
MCGEE: Why the seventh hole?
ABBY: See? That's why I dig you, McGee. You think specific. Whatever the reason, we are grateful because that orbit took the Keyhole over Newport News! I inputted the warehouse coordinates...
MCGEE: That's the rooftop! That's me... Tony, Gibbs, Kate.
ABBY: Is that the building where Ari's sniper nest was?
MCGEE: It is. Ari's not there.
ABBY: What do you expect? A video of him shooting?
MCGEE: Well, I was hoping.
ABBY: Only in flicks, McGee.
MCGEE: Okay, then why are you so excited?
ABBY: I don't know. Maybe it's being alone with you on a rainy night.
MCGEE: Abby...
ABBY: Oh, look! Could it be? A black Chevy Suburban driving down the alleyway.
MCGEE: Uh... can you read the license plate?
ABBY: That depends more on angle than resolution.
(SFX: KEYBOARDING)
ABBY: It's not a dress, McGee. You can't look up it to see what you want. Ha! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, McGee!
MCGEE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've got to put a BOLO out on the plate.
ABBY: We did good, huh?
MCGEE: You did great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS WATCHES THE APARTMENT)
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. Slow down, McGee. Take a breath. Start with the address. Seven, two, four, tango, Julia, alpha. Got it.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
(PHONE RINGS)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Shepard.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I need a partner for the night. You up for it?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Jen?
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Jethro, don't you know any other women?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) None I can call for backup. You didn't think I meant...
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) That's what you have a whole team of agents for.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, McGee's on protection duty with Abby.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) DiNozzo's tailing Ziva. And since I lost...
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo's what?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) He's tailing Ziva.
SHEPARD: (V.O./FILTERED) Well where are you?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Outside!
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
SHEPARD: What are the chances that Ari is still at this house?
GIBBS: Zero. Ducky was a diversion so your friend Ziva could pass cash and documents to him.
SHEPARD: Ziva's a control officer doing her job. You'd do the same if the roles were reversed.
GIBBS: She's using you, Jen!
SHEPARD: And I'm using her. A half dozen Hamas suicide bombers will not be blowing up our boys in Iraq because of Ziva.
GIBBS: She's Metsada, isn't she?
SHEPARD: The Mossad code name for that division is Komemiute.
GIBBS: Whatever they name it, they specialize in assassinations.
SHEPARD: Excuse me. Weren't you a Marine sniper?
GIBBS: If I have to go through your friend to get Ari, I will.
SHEPARD: Ziva knows that.
GIBBS: You really do like her.
SHEPARD: She's damn good. And I owe her. She saved my life in Cairo two years ago.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
SHEPARD: I can't believe this. I've been Director less than twenty four hours and I'm back on the street.
GIBBS: It's great, isn't it?
SHEPARD: No, Jethro. It isn't.
GIBBS: Come on! Come on! You love it.
SHEPARD: Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed. Sleeping.
GIBBS: Remember that stake out in Marseille? August. Stuck in that attic with no air, photographing everyone who boarded that Lebanese trawler. That second night... that's the first time we--
SHEPARD: Okay. Shut up.
GIBBS: Hand me the binocs. They're underneath the seat.
SHEPARD: What?
GIBBS: That's Ari's SUV.
SHEPARD: (SHOUTS) Shooter!
(SFX: GUNSHOT/ GLASS BREAKS)
GIBBS: Stay down!
(SFX: GUNSHOTS)
(SFX: GLASS BREAKS)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: GUNFIRE)
SHEPARD: I expected Haswari to be older.
GIBBS: He is.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: (V.O.) Gunshot number three is located under the right clavicle. Appears to be a distant wound from the absence of sooting and stippling. Gunshot number four is located six centimeters to the left. (ON CAMERA) Appears to be a distant wound from the absence of sooting and stippling.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - NIGHT
MCGEE: It is a miracle, Boss. He was shooting to kill her, not you. Just like he did with Kate and Abby. It's funny how he always went after women. (V.O.) Not that I'm implying he should have shot at you rather than...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: (OVERLAP) You're not going to like this Gibbs. All the three oh eight full metal jacket rounds recovered from the shooting came from this Bravo Fifty-One rifle dropped by the sniper you shot last night.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
TONY: (OVERLAP) ...Two years ago. Mohamed Esfiri was a homegrown terrorist. Born in Cleveland. He was an ardent follower of radical Imam who promised martyrdom to all who died in the Jihad...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD - NIGHT
SHEPARD: (OVERLAP) ... Since Miss Sciuto has confirmed that the sniper rifle we recovered last night was the weapon used to murder Special Agent Todd, and with no evidence to the contrary, it appears that Mohamed Esfiri was the sniper. I believe it's safe for your team to go home, Gibbs. Special Agent Todd's funeral is in Indiana tomorrow afternoon. SecNav has offered us his private jet to fly us there. Go home. Get some rest.
(ALL WALK O.S.)
SHEPARD: What about you, Jethro?
GIBBS: Mohamed didn't kill Kate. He didn't shoot at Abby.
SHEPARD: You are not infallible, Jethro, no matter what your gut is telling you. Ari isn't trying to kill you, but this obsession might.
GIBBS: Hey, Jen?
SHEPARD: What?
GIBBS: Why did he only shoot at your side of the car last night?
SHEPARD: I suppose you were right. He was trying to kill women who work with you.
GIBBS: How did he know you were in the car? I called you at the spur of the moment. I parked in the dark. He couldn't see through our windshield even with a scope. That guy was sent to die, not to kill.
SHEPARD: No. No one's going to do that.
GIBBS: Come on, Jen. Hamas suicide bombers blow themselves up all the time. It doesn't matter how a martyr dies as long as it's for the Jihad. Mohamed last night - he died for rivers of honey and seventy-two virgins.
SHEPARD: I'm not saying you're right, but if you are, how do we prove it?(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: We? Did you just join my side?
SHEPARD: Jethro, I've always been on your side. What do we do?
GIBBS: Kill Ari before he kills me.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/DRAWER SLIDES OPEN/ MCGEE UNCOVERS KATE)
TONY: I told you she looked good. Probie wouldn't believe me, Kate. He thought you'd look like the Return of the Living Dead.
MCGEE: I did not.
TONY: Don't lie to the dead, McGee. Not nice.
MCGEE: I was a little afraid.
TONY: Kid was terrified. But it took a lot of guts to come down here... alone. Showed how much he cared for you.
MCGEE: I really did like you, Kate.... a lot.(DOOR CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
(SFX: RAIN FALLING B.G.)
FORNELL: It's raining, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Uh-huh.
FORNELL: You smell like a wet dog.
GIBBS: Well, there was one here underneath the bench when I got here. I put him in the gazebo.
FORNELL: Why aren't you in the gazebo?
GIBBS: Dog smells like hell.
FORNELL: So why didn't you leave him under... never mind.
GIBBS: If I ask you something, Tobias, are you going to lie to me?
FORNELL: Depends on the question.
GIBBS: What's Ari Haswari's real mission here?
FORNELL: I'm going to lie to you. Mossad lies to the CIA. They lie to us. I lie to you. I don't know who you lie to, being the bottom of the armed Fed Food Chain and not married.
GIBBS: So you don't know.
FORNELL: Correct. I do not know. You ever go to the movies?
GIBBS: I build a boat.
FORNELL: Well, you and that dog are going to need one. Why don't you get out of the rain, Jethro, and go watch a movie!
GIBBS: You have a film in mind?
FORNELL: It's not in theaters anymore. But you can rent a DVD.
GIBBS: Sounds like a good idea. A good thing to do on a rainy afternoon. What's the name of this film?
TONY: (V.O.) The Peacemaker.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: George Clooney, Nicole Kidman. Directed by Mimi Leder. Made it in ninety seven. It's a real action flick. Clooney and Kidman have to find a stolen nuclear weapon before it's used by terrorists. I can't believe you never saw it!
ZIVA: Where is Gibbs?
TONY: You know, that's the first question you asked me when we met.
ZIVA: No. The first question was, were you having phone s*x?
SHEPARD: Ziva! Deputy Director David is on teleconference for you.
TONY: Oooh, Deputy Director David? Wouldn't be daddy, would it?
ZIVA: David is a common Israeli name.
TONY: You didn't answer my question.
TONY: Did they lose a nuke, Boss?
GIBBS: According to the Deputy Director, Israel doesn't have nukes.
TONY: Boss?
GIBBS: They have a power plant in Dimona where a small amount of plutonium is missing.
TONY: Hamas is making a bomb?
GIBBS: They have a core. No detonator. Ari was to buy a Krytron trigger. He delivers it to the Hamas cell with the plutonium.
TONY: Mossad grabs him.
GIBBS: Only he's a little behind schedule. They're getting nervous. Deputy Director David is up there right now ordering Ziva to cooperate.
TONY: He her daddy?
GIBBS: No idea. I didn't ask.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
GIBBS: Do you know why Ari left his brass behind?
ZIVA: You are a broken tape, Gibbs.
TONY: Record. A broken record.
GIBBS: A sniper's brass is like signing your signature. That's why a sniper always polices his brass. Lapua. Three oh eight casing. Boat-tail. Moly-coated full metal jacket bullet.
ZIVA: That's what you shot as a Marine sniper. At Mossad we use Sierra Six point five hollow points.
GIBBS: How do you know what I shot, Miss David?
SHEPARD: She profiled you for Ari.
TONY: Not just the boss. That's how you knew where I was born and went to school.
ZIVA: Ari's missions involved NCIS. As his controller, of course I did dossiers on everyone he might interact with.
SHEPARD: It's S.O.P at Kumemiute.
GIBBS: Director. Abs. Tony. Give me a minute alone with Miss David, please?
(ALL WALK O.S.)
GIBBS: You found out about my first wife and my daughter.
ZIVA: Yes. I'm sorry.
GIBBS: Then we know why Ari is shooting at women then, don't we?
ZIVA: If he wanted you to know he is the sniper, why didn't he use your rifle? An M-Forty?
GIBBS: The Bravo Fifty-one he fired is called a "Kate!"
ZIVA: I still don't believe Ari is the sniper. What you have said should be investigated.
GIBBS: Well, when the media gets wind of this, it's going to create a furor.
ZIVA: Are you threatening to go to the media?
GIBBS: No, not me. This could stay between Mossad and NCIS.
ZIVA: In exchange for what? Setting up Ari for you to kill?
GIBBS: No. Setting me up for Ari. And if I'm wrong about this, he won't show up.
ZIVA: And if you're right?
GIBBS: Then I'm counting on you to back me up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
ARI: Are you looking for this, Jethro? I want you to know I wish I hadn't had to shoot Caitlin.
GIBBS: Why did you?
ARI: To cause you pain.
GIBBS: I piss you off that much?
ARI: Not you. My father. You have the misfortune of reminding me of the b*st*rd.
GIBBS: Ah, he didn't marry your mother, huh?
ARI: That's what makes me a b*st*rd, not him. From the moment of my birth, he groomed me to be one thing... his mole in Hamas. He sent me to Edinburgh to become a doctor so I could work in the Gaza camps alongside my mother. When he had her killed, I had no trouble joining the Iz Adin al-Kassam.
GIBBS: You don't really believe your father had your mother killed?
ARI: It was a retaliatory Israeli strike on a day I was in Tel Aviv... visiting him. After decades of planning, he had his mole in Hamas. He never knew how much I hated him. I wish I could see his face when he realizes he created not a mole but a monster eager to strike at the heart of Mossad and Israel.
GIBBS: Yeah, I almost feel sorry for you.
ARI: And I for you. When Ziva told me you were placing flowers on the roof where Caitlin died, I couldn't believe it. Such a romantic touch. Almost too good to pass up. Almost.
GIBBS: Why did you?
ARI: I need you to commit suicide with your own rifle. You never did give me enough credit in our game. I knew it was a trap before Ziva told me you asked her to cover you. You'd never trust Ziva. And you need to kill me to taste the sweetness of revenge.
GIBBS: I've killed enough men in my life, Ari. It's going to be just sweet watching you die.
ARI: Sorry to spoil your--
(SFX: GUNSHOT)
(ARI FALLS TO THE GROUND)
GIBBS: His father is a Deputy Director in Mossad?
ZIVA: Yes.
GIBBS: Not David?
ZIVA: Yes. He's my half brother.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
(ZIVA SINGS IN HEBREW)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF KATE/TONY/ABBY/MCGEE)
GIBBS: I was afraid I wasn't going to make it.
SHEPARD: Ari?
GIBBS: Ziva's escorting his body to Tel Aviv.
(ALL PLACE FLOWERS ON THE COFFIN)
KATE: You're late for my funeral, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Sorry, Kate.
ABBY: Do you mind if I play something for Kate?
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL WALK FROM THE GRAVE)
(CUT TO BLACK)


In the gymnasium during tryouts
Kendra: Over here Liberty! Pass!
(Ms Hatzilakos is watching the girls and jotting down notes when Kendra scores.)
Kendra: Yes!
Ms. Hatzilakos: Great stuff girls. Bring it in. Alright the final roster will be posted tomorrow. Not everyone made the cut, but today I was really impressed with all your effort. Good stuff everyone.
(Everyone starts to leave.)
Emma: You ready?
Liberty: Yeah.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Uh Liberty nice effort out there.
Liberty: I was pleased with my stick handling, though my scoring could have been better.
Ms. Hatzilakos: You didn't score.
Liberty: We'll need to work on that if I'm gonna lead our team to victory.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know how much this means to you, but I'm sorry Liberty you didn't make the cut.
Liberty: There must be a mistake. I've never lost anything in my life.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well you haven't lost because I do want you on the team.
Liberty: To do what?
Ms. Hatzilakos: The role of team manager. This team really needs you.
Liberty: The team needs me, then I'm there.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Great.
In the hallway, the roster has been posted
Manny: Awesome I made it.
Kendra: Great. Now for the initiation.
Manny: Initiation?
(Kendra and Emma start spraying Manny with silly string when Liberty walks over.)
Liberty: Congratulations one and all.
Emma: Thanks. Sorry you didn't make the team.
Manny: But you're manager. That's good.
Liberty: That's great and believe me I'm gonna keep you girls in line.
In history class
Teacher: The outline for your essay is strong and thought-provoking.
Liberty: Napoleon was fascinating. I only hope my essay does him justice.
Teacher: I'm sure it will. You always accomplish what you set out to do.
Liberty: Not always, but thank you sir. In a classroom
Terri: A strong fate line means you know what you want to do.
Hazel: But my lifeline's so faint.
Terri: Your quest for meaning will be an eternal one.
Ashley: Didn't you learn anything last year about playing with dark magic?
Paige: Wow. Déjà vu. Freaky occult and Ash freaking out.
Ashley: You have to have a little respect.
Paige: And I have to have a little fun, so Ter, read the palm.
(Terri starts looking at Paige's palm and stops suddenly.)
Paige: What's it say mystic oracle?
Terri: It's, it's great. Your palm's perfect.
Paige: Um hon. I was kind of looking for a reading.
Mr. Armstrong: Morning class. Let's open our textbooks to chapter 12, polynomials.
Paige: What do you see Terri?
Mr. Armstrong: I see Paige Michalchuk in detention after school.
Outside the school
Hazel: Ter! You've been avoiding me all day.
Terri: Not you. Paige.
Hazel: Why?
Terri: Your fate line was really faint. Paige's lifeline doesn't exist.
Hazel: Her days are numbered?
Paige: Whose days are numbered? Either you tell me what you saw in my palm or my nails get up close and personal with your face.
Terri: Okay your palm...no lifeline. You're gonna die. In the locker room Liberty is doing the team's laundry
(She has a daydream about her leading the team to victory and everyone is cheering for her.)
Mr. Armstrong: So Liberty, how do you like being team manager?
Liberty: Great. I love it. How come the girls get to wear these ratty things and the boys get uniforms?
Mr. Armstrong: That's because we didn't budget for a girls floor hockey team. We didn't think there would so much interest.
Liberty: You do know boys teams get 80% of the athletics budget.
Mr. Armstrong: That's because there's more boys teams. Money is tight for all teams these days.
Liberty: There must be a way around it. What about fundraisers or sponsorships?
Mr. Armstrong: Sure. That takes a lot of work.
Liberty: Mr. Armstrong, work's my forte and I know exactly where to start.
Outside Joey's house
Liberty: Plus you can write the sponsorship off as a tax credit.
Joey: Yes I know, but the boys have already asked me to sponsor their basketball team.
Liberty: They don't need your help Mr. Jeremiah. We do!
Joey: But the Panther's have done awesome all year.
Liberty: Yes and we can too if we get the same full support. Look, say your daughter was on our team. Would you want her wearing this? We need this Mr. Jeremiah.
(She shows him the uniform the girls have to wear.)
Joey: Okay look. I can't sponsor both teams, but I'll think about it okay?
-In the gymnasium-
Liberty: Our New Jersey design.
Manny: Wow. That's awesome Liberty.
Emma: Yeah. That's really good.
Liberty: Thanks. We do have to convince Mr. Jeremiah to sponsor us and not boys basketball, but a minor detail.
Emma: Yeah like the boys need funding.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know girls you're excited about this, but even with sponsorship we're not gonna win anything unless we practice, okay? So take your positions. We're gonna do passing drills.
(The girls get ready to practice.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh and can you clean the pinnies? They need washing.
Liberty: I just washed them the other day.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know. They're dirty again. Okay girls come on! Can we focus please!
In the media immersion lab, Hazel and Paige are on the computer
Hazel: Here. In palmistry no one indicator by itself is conclusive.
Paige: Okay.
Hazel: Which hand did she read?
Paige: Um my left.
Hazel: And you're right handed.
Paige: And your point is?
Hazel: You're supposed to read someone's dominant hand. The one you use.
Paige: Hey! I do have a lifeline.
Terri: Here Paige. To express my grief.
(Terri hands Paige flowers.)
Paige: Um thanks.
Terri: Anything I can do for you in your time of need, let me know. Anything.
Hazel: So when are you gonna tell her?
Paige: About my miraculous recovery from the brink of death? Hmm I don't know.
Outside the school
Emma: Liberty we just wanted to say that we really appreciate what you tried to do.
Liberty: Thanks, but Ms. H put me in my rightful place, the laundry room.
Jimmy: Van Zandt, what's up with trying to steal our sponsorship?
Spinner: Yeah. Who cares about girls sports? Except of course mud wrestling.
Jimmy: Look you girls are crazy. Jeremiah's gonna back us because we're a winning team.
Liberty: You really think you're better than us?
Spinner: Uh welcome to the conversation. Yeah.
Liberty: Then prove it. Floor hockey. Girls versus boys.
Manny: Uh Liberty.
Jimmy: Okay. Say um winner gets the sponsorship?
Liberty: And loser does the other team's laundry for a week.
Spinner: Awesome. I sweat like a pig. Outside the school
Ms. Hatzilakos: So whose idea was this again?
(The girls look at Liberty.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well I'm not coaching you guys so you can get into a grudge match with the boys over bragging rights.
Liberty: It's not about bragging right. It's about a sponsorship.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well why gamble for it? Let Mr. Jeremiah decide.
Liberty: He can't so we have to do this.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Look I know this is very important for you, but between school and preparing you girls for the actual competition, I can't help you with this. I'm sorry.
Liberty: But we need a supervisor.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Yes. Yes you do.
Manny: Great. Now who's gonna coach us?
Liberty: I will and I'll lead us to victory like Napoleon in the battle of Leipzig.
In a classroom, Liberty tosses a huge book on the table
Emma: 100 Days To Glory?
Liberty: Our strategy. It outlines what we have to do to win the regionals.
Manny: Yoga. Meditation...and no junk food?
Liberty: To achieve perfection, one must envision perfection. Envision, achieve, win. A simple formula. In the gymnasium, the girls are complaining about Liberty's rules
(Liberty walks in wearing an outfit like Napoleon's and they all stop talking.)
Liberty: Napoleon said if you want authority you must dress the part. I look regal, commanding-
Kendra: Stupid.
(The girls laugh and Liberty blows her whistle.)
Liberty: Silence!
Manny: Liberty I can't practice today. I sort of have my period.
Liberty: Manny a true champion doesn't let a silly, little monthly visitor stand between her and victory.
(Liberty hands Manny a tampon.)
Liberty: Now lets get started. Fall in positions!
In the hallway
Paige: And then I realized I'll never have a driver's license or a senior prom. Ter I am too young to die.
Terri: Don't cry. Can I get you anything?
Paige: Sure and maybe you could even do my book report for Kwan. With all this stress you brought me how am I supposed to concentrate?
Terri: You're right. I'm there. In the gymnasium, Liberty is going over the plays
(Spinner and Jimmy are outside the gym watching the girls and laughing.)
Liberty: You stay on the left wing allowing the fore-checkers to go deep in the offensive zone.
Kendra: What's this play called again?
Liberty: The left wing lock. It limits break out space and forces the opposition's defense to carry the puck or bank it up on the boards. Girls this is child's play.
(Manny starts giggling.)
Liberty: Hey little Ms. Happyface. What's a neutral zone trap, huh?
Manny: I don't know.
Liberty: Page 16. Did you read it? Maybe you don't know how to read!
Manny: Why are you picking on me?
Liberty: Because you're the weakest link.
In the hallway
Liberty: Don't test me Kendra.
Kendra: Why not Napoleon?
Liberty: If you want to win, you players need to pull together.
Kendra: We're not going to win Liberty, not with you barking orders!
Liberty: They're not orders. They're plays.
Kendra: We don't understand them. They're useless, kind of like you as coach.
(Kendra leaves and Liberty sees a boys jock string taped to her locker.)
Liberty: Ew!
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the media immersion room
Terri: Finished.
Paige: Ter your head.
Terri: Oh I get zits when I'm stressed. I just e-mailed your report. I didn't get mine done, but that's okay. I only lose 10%.
Paige: Are you sure? Thanks.
Hazel: Who said dying wasn't any fun?
(Ashley overhears them.)
In the hallway
Ashley: Hey Terri. What's up?
Terri: Trying to figure out when I can get some sleep. Being Terri and Paige is hard work.
Ashley: Can I talk to you about that?
Terri: What?
Ashley: Well let's just say when I tell you, you're gonna want to kill someone who's technically already dying. In the gymnasium
Spinner: Some girls team, eh? What are they doing, putting on their makeup?
(The girls march in.)
Liberty: Closed set. Everybody out.
Spinner: Um it's just a hockey game, Liberty.
Liberty: No Spinner it's your funeral. Last time, out!
(Everyone starts to leave.)
Liberty: You, Panther, scoreboard.
JT: Ai captain!
Liberty: Okay girls remember what Napoleon said. One must know when to leave the skin of a lion to take the skin of a fox
(Nobody says anything.)
Liberty: So get out there and give it to them, right?!
The girls: Right!
(Joey blows his whistle to get the teams ready.)
Joey: You ready? Ready? Let's go!
(They start playing as Liberty watches and JT keeps score.)
Outside Degrassi
Hazel: We should totally go to that movie tonight seeing as your homework's already done.
Paige: And maybe we could even get Terri to pay.
(The girls see Ashley and Terri with a Ouija board.)
Paige: Ashley on a Ouija board?
Ashley: Terri told me the sad news. I thought that we should get a second opinion. Hey Terri wouldn't it work better if Paige was sitting here?
Terri: Yes it would.
Paige: Do I have to do anything?
Terri: No. Just watch and read. Mystic oracle, is it true?
(Terri makes the Ouija pointer move to 'yes'.)
Paige: Is what true?
Terri: That you and Hazel played me for a fool.
(Terri makes the Ouija pointer move to 'yes'.)
Paige: Wow. I, I really better get going.
Terri: You're dead Michalchuk. I'm gonna get you! Get back here!
(Terri starts chasing after Paige.)
During the game, the score is 4-1 for the boys
Liberty: Manny take it in. Take it in!
Manny: I can't!
Liberty: Take it in now.
(Spinner and Manny bump into each other and Manny falls down.)
Joey: Hold on guys. Hold on. You okay? Help me get her up guys. Get her up. Get her up.
Manny: Ow.
Joey: Slowly. Where does it hurt?
Jimmy: Are you okay?
Manny: It's my wrist. I landed on it.
Liberty: She's fine. You're fine, right?
Joey: I don't want to take any chances. Manny go see the nurse.
Liberty: No! She's going back out on the floor where we need her.
Joey: I'm the ref and I'm telling her to go see the nurse.
Liberty: After this period.
Joey: Get someone else to play.
Liberty: Those girls, they're alternates for a reason Joey. No!
Kendra: You're being a tyrant.
Liberty: I'm doing my job!
Emma: Liberty maybe you need to relax.
Liberty: And maybe you need to shut up and do what I tell you! All of you!
Kendra: Good luck trying to win short two players, Liberty.
Joey: Someone make sure Manny goes to the nurses office, please.
Liberty: I can't believe you girls. I thought you wanted to win.
Emma: Not like this.
(The guys start cheering.)
Joey: Hey game's not over guys. They can still come out and finish it.
In the locker room
Liberty: I can't believe you're all quitting. This is a team.
Kendra: We're not quitting the team Liberty. We're quitting you.
Liberty: That's so unfair.
Emma: Coaches are supposed to inspire people. You just bark at us.
Kendra: And give us crazy textbooks. 1000 ways to make us miserable.
Emma: And the stupid cape.
Kendra: Plus that whole thing with Manny.
Liberty: Alright I get the point. Look you're a great team. Be mad at me, but don't let those guys win. Kendra your slap shot is dead-on. Emma you're a good offensive captain. Focus on getting Kendra to the net, let her do the scoring and it's your game.
Kendra: She does have a point. We can't let those jerks get the jerseys.
Emma: Let's get 'em!
(They cheer and head for the gym.)
Emma: Liberty we've got it covered, okay?
Liberty: Alright. Well go get 'em.
(Everyone leaves except for Liberty.)
Liberty: I'm the weakest link.
Outside the gym
Ms. Hatzilakos: Hey Liberty.
(Liberty doesn't say anything.)
Ms. Haztilakos: The game is still going on. What are you doing out here?
Liberty: I ruined everything Ms. H.
Ms. Hatzilakos: What are you talking about?
Liberty: The girls all hate me.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Did you push them too hard?
Liberty: I really wanted them to win those jerseys.
Ms. Hatzilakos: It's a worthy cause.
Liberty: Yeah, but I think I squished out all the fun of playing.
Ms. Hatzilakos: You know Liberty it's tough for any coach. Balancing winning with having some fun.
Liberty: Yeah and it's so not worth it.
In the locker room, Liberty is doing the boys' laundry
Emma: Having fun?
Liberty: Yeah. So much.
Emma: Sorry we didn't win.
Liberty: You almost own. Losing by 1 point sucks, but impressive.
Emma: Thanks.
Liberty: Not impressive enough to get Joey's uniforms of course.
Emma: I don't know about that...girls!
(The girls all walk in wearing their new uniforms.)
Kendra: Mr. Jeremiah said he hadn't seen such a great battle of the sexes since Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs.
Manny: Whoever they are!
Liberty: I don't understand.
Emma: Joey's sponsoring both teams. We impressed him that much.
Liberty: Wow. You girls look incredible.
Kendra: You mean we look incredible.
(Kendra hands Liberty a jersey that says 'team manager'.)
Emma: Try it on! It's perfect.