Michael: Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!
Phyllis: Dancing babies!
Michael: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the "Kit Kat theme song"] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?
Jim: Nobody tell him!
Andy: What? No, why?
Jim: You got it, you're so close!
Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Jim: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think...
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Jim: Nope.
Andy: Football cream. Grr!
Michael: Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Pam: I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
Michael: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hello hello!
Ad guy 1: Hey, how ya doin'?
Michael: Michael Scott.
Ad guy 2: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Regional manager.
Ad guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you
Michael: Excited to talk ideas.
Ad guy 1: Let's do it, man.
Michael: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
Ad guy 1: That sounds great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.
Michael: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?
Andy: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Michael: He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Andy: It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!
Michael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
Michael: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
Michael: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Kevin: [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear!
Michael: Who else?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: You playing that game again?
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh it has losers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further---
Ad guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable---
Michael: Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...
Ad guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious.
Michael: Yeah, I know.
Ad guy 1: Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Michael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]
Michael: That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa.
Ad guy 1: That's what we came up with.
Michael: Well we can do better than that.
Ad guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.
Michael: The waving?
Ad guy 1: Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?
Dwight: We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.
Andy: We'll use code names.
Dwight: Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.
Andy: That's not different enough.
Dwight: Dwike?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Receptionist: You have a call from Eddie Murphy.
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry.
Ryan: What?
Michael: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.
Ryan: I told you not to call about small problems.
Michael: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
Ryan: That's good. They're creative, you're not.
Michael: I'm creative, Ryan.
Ryan: It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.
Michael: Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Ryan: Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?
Michael: Yeah!
Ryan: But I'm good at managing people who do sales .
Michael: Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.
Ad guy 2: Okay, when should we come back?
Michael: How about never hundred hours, sir.
Ad guy 2: We were sent here to help out.
Ad guy 1: Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude.
Michael: Hey thanks. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
David Wallace: [on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?
Michael: Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan: I'm on Michael.
Michael: What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.
David Wallace: This is weird.
Michael: I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
David Wallace: Okay, I'll see it tomorrow.
Michael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: [gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.
Michael: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Phyllis: Okay.
Andy: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?
Creed: She's crazy hot.
Andy: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
Angela: That's not happening.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Bye everyone.
Michael: Line it up Phyllis.
Creed: Get her Phyll.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Darryl: What's rap?
Michael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix.
Darryl: Great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey.
Pam: No talk, I'm animating.
Jim: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.
Pam: Are you serious?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Oh my God, he's really in pain.
Jim: [sighs]
Pam: Who's that?
Jim: Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.
Pam: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Jim: Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so---
Pam: Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
Jim: Yep.
Pam: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim: I... why don't we go back to this animation.
Pam: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.
Jim: Ah, show me how this works.
Pam: Oh boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
Darryl: You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.
Darryl: You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]
Michael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
Darryl: You just said you hated it.
Michael: No. I said I hate the, the style.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Michael: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Michael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
Phyllis: [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer.
Michael: That'a girl.
Phyllis: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
Michael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?
Phyllis: [sobbing] No.
Michael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.
Pam: Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet.
Jim: Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam: No no, you can go home. I'm good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home.
Meredith: You comin'?
Jim: I, ah...
Meredith: Piss or get off the pot!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim: Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: You're welcome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
Dwight: Andy, I can't hear this right now.
Andy: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, "Oh D, oh D."
Dwight: She called you D?
Andy: Yeah. D for Andy.
Dwight: Oh D.
Andy: Oh D.
Dwight: [whispers] Oh D.
Andy: Oh D!
Both: Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone]
Pam: [on phone] Yes?
Michael: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam: Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear.
Michael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Everyone: [watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering]
Bartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Michael: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael's Ad: [Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says "I love you"] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying "Hometown Boy Wins Race"], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says "You have a son, and it's me"] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says "Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin"] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says "World's Most Creative Boss"] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Everyone: [claps and cheer]
Jim: Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam]
Bartender: Really?
Jim: I just thought you should---
Bartender: The animation was cool.
Pam: Thanks.
Bartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?
Jim: Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Michael, that was fun.
Michael: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with "piece." Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it.


EXT. WOODS - VIEWFINDER
WILLIAM MOORE: (V.O.) I am here in Shenandoah State Park. Oh, that's beautiful. Wow!(CAMERA PANS POND AND HILLSIDE THROUGH VIEWFINDER)
(ACTION CONTINUES AS MOORE TUMBLES DOWN THE HILL)
(MUSIC OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) He did that? Yeah? (INTO PHONE) You're kidding. Well, I wouldn't put it in my romantic column, Deb. Definitely kinky. Maybe affectionately odd. But I mean, I don't find anything romantic about having s*x with...I'll call you back later.
(HANGS UP PHONE)
TONY: s*x with a what?
KATE: None of your business.
TONY: Another woman?
KATE: Go back to your desk.
TONY: Another man?
KATE: I told you.
TONY: Some kind of root vegetable?
KATE: You're disgusting.
TONY: Wasn't me having a conversation about kinky s*x, Kate.
KATE: It was a private conversation, Tony, something you seem to have a difficult time with.
TONY: If I'd been having that conversation, you'd accuse me of being a Neanderthal.
KATE: Well, that doesn't require a conversation, Tony.
TONY: You know what I think, Kate? I think there's a secret side to you. A Spike Steele video kind of side. Keep it hidden under your mattress.
KATE: Leave now.
TONY: Ah, you're a Spike Steel fan, aren't you, Probie?
MCGEE: What, the p0rn star?
TONY: No, the physicist.
MCGEE: Oh, no not really. He looks kind of sleazy.
KATE: Actually he looks a little bit like Tony.
TONY: Oh, you have no idea how much he looks like me. Kate, how do you know what he looks like?
KATE: I saw him on the news when he was arrested a few years ago.
TONY: Really. Spike Steel's real name is Jay McMann. And according to the National Crime Database he's never been arrested. Ever.(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.)
GIBBS: What're you waiting for, DiNozzo?
TONY: Uh...
GIBBS: Gas the truck.
TONY: I knew that.
GIBBS: McGee, get Ducky.
MCGEE: What am I telling him, Boss?
GIBBS: We have a dead Marine in Shenandoah River State Park. Come on! Let's go!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STATE PARK - DAY
KETT: (V.O.) Sergeant William Moore. Call came in from his wife.
GIBBS: The friend?
KETT: Sergeant Roger Caine. All camping together. This morning they were going to hike this trail. Sergeant Moore went ahead early to film the sunrise. When they couldn't find him, they called us. Early in the morning, it's really slippery up here. Sergeant lost his traction and slipped.
GIBBS: Are you a trained investigator, Ranger Kett?
KETT: Been working this park five years, Agent Gibbs. It's as treacherous as it comes up here. Seen a lot of hikers go over.
GIBBS: This hiker was a Marine.
KETT: Yeah, well, this Marine slipped and fell to his death.
GIBBS: You said he was filming.
KETT: That's what his wife said. No sign of the camera.
GIBBS: Me and my team can take it from here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TRAIL - DAY
KATE: I wonder what happened to McGee?
TONY: Probably passed out on the side of the trial sucking his thumb.
KATE: He joined a gym, you know.
TONY: Is that right?
MCGEE: (SHOUTS) Wait up!
TONY: He should get his money back. Where the hell have you been?
MCGEE: Ducky needed some help with his gear. How much further is this?
KATE: It's another quarter of a mile.
TONY: Uphill. Stamina, Probie. It's very important in our profession. As it is in Spike Steel's profession.
KATE: You relate to him, don't you, Tony?
TONY: Oh, we have a lot in common.
KATE: Stamina?
TONY: For one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. CREEK - DAY
DUCKY: What are your preliminary findings, Mister Palmer?
JIMMY: Ah, lacerations, bruises, contusions consistent with a fall of this kind.
DUCKY: And?
JIMMY: And uh... I would imagine that the victim has sustained fractures of several limbs.
DUCKY: Cause of death?
JIMMY: Impossible to say until we get him back, but from the looks of his head wounds, I would say that he probably struck a rock.
DUCKY: Cause of death?
JIMMY: Shock.
DUCKY: That would be my supposition as well.
JIMMY: But what I don't get is the flesh trauma. What kind of wounds are these, Doctor?
DUCKY: They're Coyote. They would eat the exposed tissue first.
JIMMY: What's second?
DUCKY: If what I suspect is true, the abdominal cavity has been chewed open. The liver and kidney are a rich source of nutrients for these creatures.
JIMMY: That's gross, Doctor.
DUCKY: Well actually, Mister Palmer, we're quite lucky here. In some cases they chew off the head and carry it away so they won't have to fight other coyotes for it. My coroner friend in Los Angeles says coyotes take it "to go." They're very strange in Los Angeles.
GIBBS: Anything unusual, Duck?
DUCKY: Not really, Jethro. I'll know more when I get our Marine back on the table.
MCGEE: Boss! I found the camcorder!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY
JUDY: He was obsessed with the stupid camera. I gave it to him on his birthday. Maybe if he hadn't, he wouldn't have slipped.
GIBBS: Anybody else at this campsite while you were here.
CAINE: No, Sir. Just the drunk. He was nothing to worry about. He was in a trailer over there. Scruffy guy. He was drinking too much. He got loud. We asked him to keep it down.
GIBBS: He didn't keep it down?
CAINE: No, Sir. So we went over there and tried to reason with him. That's when he took a swing.
KATE: You took a swing back?
CAINE: No, Ma'am. Bill put him in a head-lock 'til he calmed down and then he just took off.
GIBBS: I don't suppose you got a license number?
CAINE: No, point, Sir. The guy was harmless.
JUDY: Bill spends eight months in Iraq and dies filming a sunrise in Virginia.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
ABBY: That's not the way it works, Gibbs. This thing has been in water for hours. You don't just spray a little Four-Oh-Nine on the tape and off you go.
GIBBS: Tape?
ABBY: Yes. It's digital video tape.
GIBBS: I thought everything was a chip these days.
ABBY: No, they kind of married the old school with the new. You know like new hip-hoppers will go back to old-school rappers like Sugar Hill Gang.
GIBBS: How long?
ABBY: I have to separate the cartridge. I have to submerge the wheels in a cleaning solution with the heads up against it. I have to remove the silt contaminants so they don't shred the tape...
GIBBS: How long Abby?
ABBY: Um... three, maybe four hours.
GIBBS: Let me know when you got it.
ABBY: Hey Gibbs, do you have a camcorder?
GIBBS: Yeah. Digital, okay?
ABBY: Good, Gibbs! Way to go! Did you make the jump to CDs yet? Because if you didn't, it's cool because all the hot D.J.s, they use vinyl these days anyway.
GIBBS: Just get it to me.
ABBY: Hey Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Peace out, man.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Indiscriminate predators; coyotes, fish, cats, garbage. They'll eat anything they can chew, unlike my mother who can no longer chew anything. I assure you, Mister Palmer, it is a beastly sight.
JIMMY: Yes, it is, Doctor.
DUCKY: I was speaking of my mother.
JIMMY: Right.
DUCKY: Have you ever seen a rib-eye steak that's been reduced to baby food by a Cuisinart?
JIMMY: Not recently.
DUCKY: It's remarkably similar to her burritos and her pizzas. Not to mention the Sunday dinner treat sushi through a straw. Give me a pair of tweezers, Mister Palmer. There's something peculiar here.
JIMMY: What is it, Doctor?
DUCKY: I haven't a clue. That's why you will take it directly up to Abby. I was thinking, Mister Palmer...
JIMMY: Yes, Doctor?
DUCKY: Perhaps it about time you came over to the house one evening.
JIMMY: Came over?
DUCKY: Join us for dinner.
JIMMY: Ah... that'd... that would be great.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: Northern White Ash. Ash trees are not indigenous to this area. And even if they were, you know any that have kiln dried wood and a lacquer coating?
GIBBS: Lacquer?
ABBY: Yep. Clear coat.
GIBBS: Baseball bat.
ABBY: Wooden bats are made out of either maple or ash. Ash is more popular, but it tends to splinter more easily
GIBBS: Especially when they come in contact with somebody's skull.
ABBY: Somebody did a Barry Bonds on Sergeant Moore's head, Gibbs.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) Sergeant William Moore, transferred from Camp Lejeune to Quantico two months ago. (ON CAMERA) He was serving as an E-I for all newly commissioned Marine Officers.
MCGEE: E.I.?
TONY: Enlisted instructor, Probie.
MCGEE: Uh... what did he teach, Kate?
KATE: Well, according to his records, MOUT.
TONY: MOUT stands for military operations..
MCGEE: Yes, I know what it stands for, Tony.
TONY: Well, excuse me for trying to help junior agents!
MCGEE: Trust me, when I need help you will be the first person I ask...where Gibbs or Kate is.
(TONY LAUGHS)
KATE: Are you two done?
TONY: For the moment.
KATE: These are the last two people to have seen our Sergeant alive. His best friend, and his wife.
MCGEE: Hey!
TONY: Now I'm done. Continue.
KATE: Do you think that one or both of them could have murdered the Sergeant?
TONY: Well it is kind of weird a single guy hanging out with a married couple.
MCGEE: I agree.
KATE: Why is that?
TONY: Well, because he's a single guy hanging out with married people.
KATE: I do that all the time.
TONY: Yeah, but you bring a date, right?
KATE: Not... always.
MCGEE: Are you related to them?
KATE: No. (LONG BEAT) What?
TONY: Well, who usually invites you ...?
MCGEE: The man or the woman?
KATE: I don't know, I guess usually the guy. Okay, a lot of my friends are from the Secret Service, and most of them happen to be men.
TONY: What about your ... girlfriend who called yesterday morning?
KATE: Well, Deb is married to one of my buddies, Rick.
(TONY AND MCGEE GIGGLE)
KATE: Okay, so what you're trying to say is that all of my married male friends secretly want to sleep with me?
TONY: Pretty much. Yeah.
KATE: That's very mature, Tony. And for your information, men and women can just be friends. Isn't that right, McGee?(TONY AND MCGEE GIGGLE)
MCGEE: Technically.
KATE: What do you mean technically?
TONY: He means she'd have to be pretty ugly first.(TONY AND MCGEE GIGGLE)
MCGEE: I didn't say that.
KATE: I swear I do not get paid enough for this.
GIBBS: For what, Kate?
KATE: Nothing. We are just discussing potential suspects.
TONY: Focusing on the Sergeant's wife and best friend, Boss.
GIBBS: Yeah. Well, come on. We've got one more.
(TONY AND MCGEE GIGGLE)
KATE: You guys are four years old, honestly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
TONY: Uh... nice hat.
KATE: Attractive.
MCGEE: In a weird way.
GIBBS: Why?
ABBY: Well, I had to set up a clean room in the ballistics lab to work on the damaged videotape. And just throwing the hats away seemed sort of wasteful. So I decided to recycle. What do you think?
GIBBS: I think it suits you. Now what's on the tape?
ABBY: Oh, I haven't finished cleaning it up yet, but I have a P-O-I.
TONY: Person of interest.
GIBBS: Let's see it.
ABBY: The following program has been edited for time and content. It may not be appropriate for younger viewers.
GIBBS: Abby!
ABBY: Right.
JUDY: (ON TAPE) This isn't a good idea, Bill.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) I've asked this guy three times to turn his music down.
CAINE: (ON TAPE) Yea, now we make him.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) And if he has a gun or something in there?
CAINE: (ON TAPE) I film it and we get the redneck arrested.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Way to encourage him, Roger.
CAINE: (ON TAPE) Oh, come on, honey. It's not that big of a deal. We'll be right back.
ABBY: Okay, this next part is like an outtake from Deliverance.
RUNION: (ON TAPE) I thought I told you guys to leave me the hell alone!
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Sir. We will once you turn the music down.(SFX: DOG BARKS B.G.)
RUNION: (ON TAPE) What? Do you think I'm afraid of you or something?
MOORE: (ON TAPE) I'm not here to fight you. We just want you to lower the music...
(SFX: STRUGGLE)
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Hey hey hey!
RUNION: (ON TAPE) I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
MOORE: (ON TAPE) No. What you just did, you just assaulted me on camera. Now either you leave or we're going to call the cops.
RUNION: (ON TAPE) All right. Just let me go.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Huh?
RUNION: (ON TAPE) All right.
GIBBS: We need to I.D. this guy.
ABBY: Oh, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. I got a shot of the license plate. It is registered to a David Runion. His last address is an R.V. campground in Manassas. He's since moved.
GIBBS: Find him. That's good work, Abby. Tony, head back to Shenandoah State Park. Take McGee.
TONY: For what exactly, Boss?
GIBBS: I want to know where the Sergeant was killed before he was tossed off that cliff.
TONY: Oh. Get the sedan ready, Probie. I'll meet you out front.
ABBY: So Kate, you really like my hat?
KATE: Uh... it's different.
ABBY: Cool, because I made you one!
KATE: Abby, I don't know what to say.
ABBY: Put it on!
KATE: Okay.
MCGEE: She bet me twenty bucks that she could make you wear that today.(MCGEE WALKS O.S.)
ABBY: Your cut.
KATE: Pleasure doing business with you, Abs.
ABBY: Totally.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STATE PARK - DAY
TONY: Hurry it up, McGee.
MCGEE: I mean, you could have helped.
TONY: I did. I carried the camera. Moore was a Marine, a combat veteran. Probably not the easiest guy in the world to sneak up on.
MCGEE: Unless he knew his attacker.
TONY: Or was ambushed. It's pretty wide open space. Let's check out the tree line.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
MCGEE: Blood drop.
TONY: Sure looks like it. Okay, we're going to have to search in there. You're going to want to watch out for--
MCGEE: Yes, I know how to search a wooded area, Tony. I'm not an idiot.
TONY: I didn't say you were.
MCGEE: Then why do you always treat me like one?
TONY: Just trying to impart a little wisdom, McGee.
MCGEE: Look, I graduated top of my class at FLET-C. So I think I can handle it.
TONY: Be my guest. Give me a call if you find anything.
MCGEE: I will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: I found David Runion, Gibbs. He checked into another campground twenty miles from the Shenandoah State Park. Also ran a background check on him. He's served time.
GIBBS: For what?
KATE: Assault and battery. He nearly beat a man to death with a pool cue in ninety three.
GIBBS: Looks like this time he might have succeeded.
KATE: We getting a warrant?
GIBBS: We need evidence for a warrant, Kate. Right now I just want to talk to him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY
MCGEE: Tony! I found it!
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
TONY: Not bad. Not bad at all, McGee.
MCGEE: Thanks. Hey, I'm sorry about that there.
TONY: Don't mention it. Besides, that's a pretty brave thing to do.
MCGEE: What do you mean brave?
TONY: Well, crawling around back here in all this poison ivy. I don't know if I would have done it.
MCGEE: You're... you're kidding, right?
TONY: Leaves of three let them be, McGee. A little something I picked up during my first year. Don't touch me, by the way.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY
KATE: Is that a rat or a dog? Hey, buddy. Hey. Oh. Sorry. I wouldn't do that if I were you, Gibbs. One day you're going to have to tell me how you do that.(SFX: DOG GROWLS/BARKS)
GIBBS: Easy. They can sense sarcasm. (SFX: DOG GROWLS/BARKS)
(GIBBS AND KATE WALK TO THE CAMPER)
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Runion! Special Agents Gibbs and Todd, NCIS! I'd like to ask you a few questions! (KNOCK ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAMPER - DAY
GIBBS: Clear. What do you think?
KATE: The word disgusting comes to mind.
GIBBS: You smell that?
KATE: Ah, if you're referring to the urine, yes.
GIBBS: No, I meant this.
KATE: Marijuana?
GIBBS: Yeah, it's recent too. Ah...
KATE: Well, it's enough to bring him in and hold him for a while.
GIBBS: Oh, yeah.
(SFX: DOG BARKS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY
KATE: (SHOUTS) Runion! Federal agents! Stop! (SFX: DOG CONTINUES BARKING)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND GIBBS CHASE RUNION)
RUNION: Idiots.
GIBBS: Put your hands behind your head.
RUNION: How did you...?
GIBBS: Sneak up on you like that?
RUNION: Yeah.
GIBBS: I used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest. Any other questions?
RUNION: Uh-uh.
GIBBS: I didn't think so.
(FADE TO BLACK)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
RUNION: I know you can hear me out there. I'm telling you for the last time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
RUNION: I gotta use the bathroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
RUNION: Okay, have it your way. It won't be the first time I had to do this.
KATE: Maybe we should.
TONY: He's bluffing.
KATE: Tony, you didn't see the inside of his camper.
TONY: That bad, huh?
KATE: Picture the most disgusting public restroom you've ever been in, covered in puss and vomit. I would still rather live there than this guy's place.
TONY: That's nice, Kate.
KATE: You should thank me. Eating that crap will kill you.
TONY: I'm more concerned about what Gibbs will do if this redneck takes one in our interrogation room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
RUNION: I gotta use the bathroom.
GIBBS: Hold it.
RUNION: I can't.
GIBBS: Good, we can do this quick. Why'd you murder Sergeant William Moore?
RUNION: What? Who the hell is that?
GIBBS: That's right. You probably don't recall his name.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Sir, I'm not here to fight you. We just want you to lower the music.(SFX: DOG BARKS B.G.)
(STRUGGLE)
(ON TAPE) Hey hey hey!
RUNION: (ON TAPE) I'll kill you.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) What you just did was assault--
GIBBS: He was found yesterday lying at the bottom of a cliff.
RUNION: Is that what this is all about? You think I killed some jarhead? No way, man. Nice try.
GIBBS: Why'd you run?
RUNION: 'Cause of the pot in my trailer. I got a medical condition.
GIBBS: What? Stupidity?
RUNION: Oh, man. I was really drunk that night. I barely even remember the guy. I sure as hell didn't kill him.
GIBBS: Where were you yesterday between five thirty and seven thirty a.m.?
RUNION: Sleeping. Yeah, at the rest stop off Two Eleven. I didn't even wake up until after ten o'clock.
GIBBS: Witnesses.
RUNION: Oh, sure. I mean, there were lots of other cars and trucks when I pulled in.
GIBBS: I need names.
RUNION: I don't have any names.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
KATE: There are two rest stops on that road, Tony.
TONY: Check if they have any video surveillance or attendants.
KATE: On it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Running it, boss.
RUNION: So what happens now?
GIBBS: You've got a violent past, your alibi's weak. And I've got you on tape threatening the victim. You tell me, Runion?
DAVID: It's been this way my whole life. It's always been like this. One freakin' nightmare after another. But I swear to you, Agent Gibbs, I didn't kill anybody.
GIBBS: We found your bat.
DAVID: What bat?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
MCGEE: Hey, Abby. You got something?
ABBY: Well, I've got good news and bad news. This is definitely our bat. The splinter from Sergeant Moore's head fits perfectly.
MCGEE: Bad news?
ABBY: It's been wiped clean of any prints. The only thing on it is urushiol oil. That's the stuff found in ... aah!
MCGEE: What?!
ABBY: You... you have to see this for yourself.
MCGEE: Whoa! This is going to hurt, isn't it?
ABBY: Yes.
MCGEE: I look like a circus freak! Abby, what do I do?
ABBY: Um... well, you could use Calamine lotion. Or perhaps just wear some sort of mask.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (INTO PHONE) And can you mark it "Special Agent Todd." Thanks, Sheriff Lester. Dinner? Aren't you married? Well, it does to me. (TO TONY) My mother wonders why I'm not married.
(HANGS UP)
TONY: So does mine.
KATE: Could you stop doing that?
TONY: I'm practicing, Kate.
KATE: What? Annoying me?
TONY: No, the creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us.
KATE: What do you mean used to?
TONY: The old man's been wearing Ben-Gay lately. I can smell him coming a mile away.
GIBBS: Is that a fact, DiNozzo?
TONY: Knee feeling better, Boss?
GIBBS: Much.
TONY: Great.
GIBBS: What about Runion's alibi?
KATE: I've got the local sheriff pulling the security tapes from the rest stops on Route Two-Eleven.
TONY: And we have a description of his pickup and trailer circulating with the state cops who worked the area that night.
KATE: Do you think he did it, Gibbs?
GIBBS: Oh, yeah. And Tony is cleaning up. (INTO PHONE) Janitorial, don't worry about interrogation. DiNozzo is gonna handle it. (TO TONY) You still here?
TONY: Are you serious? ...You serious? Oh. In my defense, I did use the word creepy in the most... affectionate way. Right.
KATE: You might want to use gloves.
GIBBS: Where's McGee?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Oh, let's see what we're dealing with here, Timothy. Ah, the dreaded Toxicodendrom radicans... the Poison Ivy plant. You seem to be particularly allergic to it. Usually it takes several days for this sort of reaction to develop.
MCGEE: I'm lucky that way.
DUCKY: The last time I encountered a case of this magnitude, two young lovers fell asleep naked in a field of it. I don't think Sarah has ever forgiven me for that one.
MCGEE: What I don't understand is how did I get it all over my face?
DUCKY: It's the urushiol oil in the plant. Yes, once it gets on your hands it spreads by contact.
MCGEE: Um... then I have a major problem, Ducky. When I was out there, I um... I had to... you know...?
DUCKY: No, I don't.
MCGEE: Relieve myself.
DUCKY: Oh. Ooh. Well, let's take a look then.
MCGEE: This is kind of embarrassing.
DUCKY: I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember. Good Lord!
MCGEE: What? Is it bad?
DUCKY: No, no it's fine. Fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much ...swelling.
MCGEE: If Tony finds out about this I'm going to have to quit.
DUCKY: Well your secret is safe with me.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
JIMMY: Doctor, I've got the new inspection forms you req - I'll come back.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
DUCKY: Him I'm not so sure about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) Runion's trailer pulled into the rest stop around one a.m. that morning, (ON CAMERA) Gibbs. And with a little image enhancement...
TONY: Runion. I can almost smell him from here.
GIBBS: How long did he stay?
KATE: All night.
GIBBS: Distance from Shenandoah River State Park?
TONY: It's about two miles, Boss.
KATE: Well, I guess he was telling the truth. We're going to have to find a new suspect.
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (TO KATE AND TONY) Maybe not. Come on.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: How you feeling?
MCGEE: Like an idiot. Tony tried to warn me. I didn't listen.
ABBY: Oh, don't feel bad. The same thing happened to him the first year he was here.
MCGEE: Really?
ABBY: Not quite this spectacularly, but yeah.
MCGEE: So honestly, how do I look?
ABBY: Um... do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing.
MCGEE: I'd prefer the lie.
ABBY: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.
GIBBS: Okay, what have you got for me, Abs?
MCGEE: It looks worse than it is.
KATE: I'm not so sure about that.
TONY: She means you look like the elephant man, Probie.
KATE: Tony.
TONY: It's true.
GIBBS: Can you still work, McGee?
MCGEE: Yeah sure, Boss.
GIBBS: Okay, what have you got for me, Abby?
ABBY: Um, I cleaned up more of the Sergeant's videotape.
GIBBS: I need to see the last thing he shot.
ABBY: Ooh, unfortunately that's the part that received the most damage from the impact. It was in contact from the heads and a lot of the data got...
GIBBS: When?
ABBY: I sent it to the Naval photo lab and hopefully I'm going to have it back by tomorrow.
GIBBS: Well what am I doing here, Abby?
ABBY: Because of this. This is from the beginning of the tape. It's mostly them setting up camp and checking out the area. And then there is... this.
TONY: (V.O.) It looks like the widow and the best friend don't know they're being videotaped. (DIALOGUE OVER CAMCORDER SCENES)
ABBY: (V.O.) And on the next side...
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Honey, what's wrong?
TONY: Still think men and women can just be friends, Kate?
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: I can't be sure, Gibbs. According to Gloria, lip reading was never my strong suit.
KATE: Gloria her deaf sister?
GIBBS: Mm-mm. Mother.
ABBY: I think Judy Moore is saying... we have to something... blank him.
KATE: Kill?
ABBY: No...
GIBBS: Murder?
ABBY: Nope.
TONY: Love.
ABBY: No.
TONY: I really wish you'd stop doing that.
GIBBS: I will, Tony, once you stop blanking up.
KATE: Abby, could you pull the video back wider? You see how she's touching his face? I mean, it's very intimate. Clearly there's more than a friendship going on here.
TONY: Which just goes to prove my point about the sexes, Kate.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, you pick up Sergeant Caine in the morning. Kate, you pick up Judy Moore, don't tell her why.
TONY: Looks like we're going to play Gibb's favorite game.
ABBY: Musical interrogation rooms.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. ARMY BASE - DAY
MCGEE: People are staring at me.
TONY: Of course. You're hideously disfigured, Probie. If you'd listened to me you wouldn't be in this mess.
MCGEE: If I'd listened to you, Gibbs would have fired me six months ago. You were going to whack me, but you stopped. Why?
TONY: Ah, I remember what was like being the new guy, trying to fit in, never make mistakes. Of course, the obvious.
MCGEE: You like me?
TONY: No, it would be like touching a leper.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BUILDINGS - DAY
CAINE: Ladies and gentlemen, this way please. My favorite part of the tour - the Marine Corps sniper. One of the most feared warriors in the world. After a brief demonstration... Corporal Cameron will be happy to answer any questions you may have. I'll meet you by the command center when he's done.
CAMERON: (V.O.) Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll notice that our sniper...
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BUILDINGS - DAY
CAINE: Any more information about Sergeant Moore's accident, Sir?
TONY: Sure, except that it wasn't an accident.
MCGEE: It was murder, Sergeant Caine.
CAINE: Murder? How?
TONY: Baseball bat to the head.
MCGEE: Fifty-foot fall from a cliff.
TONY: Coyotes probably didn't help.
CAINE: That redneck must have overheard Bill saying he was going to film up there in the morning. We've got to find him!
TONY: We did.
CAINE: You need me to I.D. him?
TONY: No. We do want to know what happened when Sergeant Moore found out you were sleeping with his wife.
CAINE: She told you that?
TONY: No, he did. Didn't know he was videotaping you, did you?
CAINE: It's not what you think.
TONY: Oh, so you weren't sleeping with her?
MCGEE: You're under arrest, Sergeant.
CAINE: For what?
TONY: We'll start with adultery and work our way up from there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
JUDY: I don't mean to be rude, but couldn't you have just sent me my husband's personal effects, Agent Todd?
KATE: Well, normally we would have but that camera you bought him is pretty expensive.
JUDY: It still works?
GIBBS: Yeah. In a way. Water?
JUDY: Thank you.
KATE: So Mrs. Moore, tell us about your husband? What kind of a man was he?
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
JUDY: Loving, gentle.
GIBBS: What about jealous?
TONY: Where do you want him, Boss?
GIBBS: Interrogation one.
JUDY: Roger?
CAINE: Judy, what the hell did you tell them?
TONY: No talking, Marine!
JUDY: What is going on here?
GIBBS: That's what you're going to tell me, Mrs. Moore. Take her to interrogation room two. (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.
KATE: I'll read you your rights on the way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
GIBBS: Did you get the last shot from my tape?
ABBY: I'm just working on it now, Gibbs. It's kind of like a nature documentary but with a riveting murder mystery subplot. This is where it gets interesting.
(TAPE PLAYS)
(SFX: MOORE GROANS/FALLS)
GIBBS: He slipped and fell?
ABBY: In the original version. But this movie comes with an alternate ending. In slo-mo, right when the camera slams to the ground...
(TAPE PLAYS)
GIBBS: The killer recorded over it.
ABBY: The impact caused the heads to lose contact with the tape, preserving two frames from the original recording. I've been working on cleaning them up.
GIBBS: Any way to recover the rest?
ABBY: Well, since all recordings leave a magnetic impression much like a computer hard drive, by the way, if I scan the data then I'll be able to separate out...
GIBBS: When?
ABBY: You don't have to take the fun out of everything, Gibbs. A few hours.
GIBBS: That's a good job, Abby. You have twenty minutes.
ABBY: Gibbs!
GIBBS: Get McGee to help you!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
KATE: As disturbing as this sounds, I think you may have a point about the sexes, Tony.
TONY: It's biology one oh one.
KATE: Would you say I'm attractive?
TONY: Sure.
KATE: Then how come you've never...
TONY: I know you.
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Is something wrong with your arm, Sergeant?
CAINE: I got some poison ivy in the field last week, Sir.
GIBBS: Is that a fact?
CAINE: I didn't murder anyone, Sir.
GIBBS: Yeah, well we'll get to that part. How long were you and Sergeant Moore friends?
CAINE: Since boot camp, Sir.
GIBBS: Perris Island or San Diego.
CAINE: San Diego, Sir.
GIBBS: Right. A Hollywood Marine. So how long after that did you start screwing his wife?
JUDY: (V.O.) I don't understand, Agent Gibbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TWO - DAY
JUDY: Why am I in here?
GIBBS: Don't you want to know who murdered your husband, Mrs. Moore?
JUDY: Yes, but I know it wasn't Roger. He wouldn't. There's no way.
GIBBS: Why's that?
JUDY: Because...he was with me that morning.
GIBBS: By "with me" you mean in the same sleeping bag?
CAINE: (V.O.) She actually said that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
CAINE: No way, Sir.
GIBBS: (V.O.) Why would she lie? (ON CAMERA) I mean, besides protecting you, Sergeant.
CAINE: She's insane. Look, right after Sergeant Moore went to film the sunrise, I went down to the campground showers. I was gone for about an hour.
GIBBS: So she was there when you got back?
CAINE: Yes, Sir. She was making breakfast.
GIBBS: So what you're saying is she had about an hour to kill him?
CAINE: I... I didn't say that.
GIBBS: My mistake. You're saying you had about an hour to kill him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TWO - DAY
JUDY: There's no way Roger would say that.
GIBBS: Agent Todd.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: (V.O.) Play back.
KATE: I almost feel sorry for these two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TWO - DAY
GIBBS: (ON TAPE) Why would she lie?
CAINE: (ON TAPE) She's insane.
GIBBS: (ON TAPE) So what you're saying is she had about an hour to kill him? (ON CAMERA) Let me guess. You thought he loved you.
JUDY: When Bill was in Iraq, Roger and I...(CRYING) we grew close.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
TONY: What now, Boss?
GIBBS: Put them both in the same room. I'm going to need a refill for this.
(DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
CAINE: We fooled around a few times, Judy. It was a stupid mistake.
JUDY: You said you loved me.
CAINE: Are you nuts? Bill was my best friend. It should never have happened.
JUDY: (V.O.) Then why did you kill him, if it wasn't to be with me?
CAINE: (SHOUTS) Stop saying that, you crazy...!! (TO GIBBS) I didn't kill him! She's making it up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TWO - DAY
JUDY: I'm pregnant, Roger. It's yours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
TONY: This is better than cable.
KATE: The question is, which one's telling the truth?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: Okay, ready to try again, McGee?
MCGEE: Play it.
MOORE: (ON TAPE) Oh, that's beautiful.
(SFX: KEYBOARDING)
(SFX: BEEP TONES)
MCGEE: Just need to adjust the read heads off track a little more.
DAVID: (ON TAPE) Is that you, Roger?
(SFX: MOORE SHOUTS)
(VIDEO FREEZES ON RUNION)
ABBY: Ha!
MCGEE: Ha!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: His trailer never left the rest stop.
MCGEE: But Runion did. Abby inverted the image and at zero nine hundred you can just make out his shadow underneath the trailer as he's coming back. It's only a four mile round trip on foot.
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Thanks, Sheriff. (TO GIBBS) Runion posted bail for the pot charge an hour ago.
GIBBS: Let's roll.
MCGEE: What about Sergeant Caine and Mrs. Moore?
GIBBS: Let them suffer for a while. I think Sergeant Moore would appreciate that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY
RUNION: Get back in the truck, you miserable piece of crap.(SFX: DOG BARKS B.G.)
(SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
(ACTION CONTINUES)
(SFX: MACHINE GUN FIRE B.G.)
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Put down your weapon, Runion! You're not getting out of here alive!
(SFX: GLASS BREAKS)
(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
RUNION: I ain't going back to prison, Gibbs! You hear me?!
TONY: I'd say we're outgunned, Boss.
KATE: I'll circle around back.
GIBBS: I've got a better idea.
(SFX: GIBBS WHISTLES)
RUNION: (V.O.) Hey!
(DOG JUMPS INTO THE CAR)
GIBBS: You might want to cover your ears.
(SFX: HUGE PROPANE EXPLOSION)
TONY: I think you got him, boss.
KATE: Well, what are we going to do with this thing? No way, Gibbs.
TONY: I'll take him. I always wanted a dog.
(SFX: DOG GROWLS)
KATE: Oh, good dog! I think I'll call you Tony.
GIBBS: It's a bitch, Kate.
KATE: I know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: Is it just me or do you think Tony likes me?
ABBY: I think it's more than obvious Tony likes you.
KATE: Not my usual type, but kind of cute.
ABBY: More like adorable. Maybe we could share Tony?
(SFX: DOG GROWLS/BARKS)
ABBY: What's wrong?
KATE: Oh, nothing. Good doggie. You can come out now, DiNozzo.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I'll just, uh... I'll take care of that. Thank you. (TO KATE) Hey.
KATE: Did you bring the dog food?
TONY: Yeah, they didn't have any bowls.
KATE: That's okay. We got it covered.
ABBY: Got a present for you, Little Tony.
KATE: Good idea. Now we can tell the two of them apart.
TONY: At least I don't hang out with married, Kate.
KATE: Ah will you please tell him that men and women can just be friends?
ABBY: Absolutely they can.
TONY: Without having s*x?
ABBY: Oh, no. They'll have s*x.
KATE: Abby!
ABBY: What, Kate? You never slept with a friend?
KATE: What is wrong with you people?
GIBBS: Good question, Kate. What did you do to the dog?
KATE: Just taking care of her. Unless you want to.
ABBY: Here you go, girl.
KATE: Wow! She even eats like you, Tony.
TONY: Did anybody see my ball cap?
KATE AND ABBY: (IN UNISON) No.
TONY: I could have sworn I left it right on my desk.
(MUSIC OUT)


Ted and Stella joined the others at McClaren's.
Ted: Hi.
Lily: Hi. How are you? Stella (taking the glass of Barney): I'll just finish this.
Ted: It was just dinner with her sister Stella and her boyfriend.They married before us.
Stella: You know, you dream of the perfect wedding since you been little girl.
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: Bluntly.
Stella: My sister steals my dream wedding. So every little detail on Shelter Island, the sun managed to sleep... Flashback Stella and Ted are the restaurant's sister Stella and her boyfriend. Sister Stella:... near the beach in the old family home. This is my dream wedding.
Stella (Ted taking the glass): I'll finish it.
Ted: It seems that the lamb is great here.
Nora: I'm vegan. I wish I could silence that voice in me that says eating animals is murder, but I guess I'm not as strong as you.
Ted: Did you need protein. I take the lamb. End flashback
Ted: New objective: Our marriage is to kick the ass of hers.Our marriage is to take the head of his, press it down the toilet and flush 20 times.
Lily: Ted, in high school, his marriage was you, right?
Stella: You know, she always wants to overtake. I like it, but there is a part of me that would like it all falls apart. Stella is the restaurant with his sister and Ted.
Nora: I hate it! I hate him. God, this steak is good. 4 days before and he fled with a consultant from Whole Foods? I do my make-up more for him. I do not shower more for him. I shave armpits more for him.
Ted: Hard to know where is the problem.
Nora: Now, so close to the wedding... Got some bacon or something in the sauce. I love it. I would not be refunded. I will lose thousands of dollars.
Ted (2030): Children in a relationship, you develop as a telepathy with your partner.
Stella: You think about what? It might help.
Ted: No, Stella, it should help. Pay for dinner. Do not worry.Taking Charge.
Stella: It's true. Recovering your marriage, we reimburse you all that you paid for. Ted and I are getting married Sunday.
GENERIC
Ted: We get married on Sunday? It is sure to be ready for this?
Stella: I've wasted years waiting for the father of Lucy decides to be "ready" for it, but it has ever been. That's why we had never married. Come on, must be spontaneous, I dreamed that Tony is spontaneous like that.
Ted: I'm leaving. And I'm also... spontaneous. (He throws a glass of water on his face) I would not have done that.
Ted (2030): Children, morality often happens at the end of the story, but this one is too important, I will say now: Never, never, invite ex to your wedding. If I was given this advice, it would have changed everything.
Ted, Barney, Marshall and Lily are at the bar. Ted phone.
Ted: We need you to come, this is my marriage.
Robin: I can not. I am in Tokyo. This is my first week. I can not leave like this. In addition, I am finally serious information.
Ted (2030): Robin was serious information. Flashback A man brings a fan on the set of information.
Ted (2030): It was the first English news channel in Japan. Of course, the info was a little different there.
Robin: The board of the Fed voted not to change the... rates. End flashback
Ted: This is my marriage. You gotta be there.
Robin: OK, I'll be there. I gotta go. Good evening. And I'm Robin Scherbatsky. The talks have been arrested in the Middle East. Despite a promising start in the final negotiations, the talks foundered on security.
Ted: It is.
Barney: Okay, burial of bachelorhood. Tonight, I have three exotic dancers most flexible physically and mentally that you've ever seen...
Ted: No time.
Barney: I'll tell you. Marshall and Ted leaves the bar.
Ted: Do we really have to rent the cars for tomorrow.
Barney: What?
Lily: No "You not married, Ted?" No "You're making a big mistake, Ted?" Have you stopped the fight against marriage?
Barney: No, I recognize a lost cause, when I see it. That's why I'm not recycle. In addition, Ted getting married, it is my interest. You know... Flashback Barney is in his office.
Barney: I worked on an issue of utmost importance. I admit I was baffled. Until I decided to take the bull by the horns.(Barney written on a board: how to lie down again with Robin) Then, finally, I décryptais code. "GIVE THE MARRIAGE OF TED. " End flashback
Lily: So you come back to Robin.
Barney: Let's hope. This weekend is my best chance to start with it.
Lily: You'll never there. Too many opportunities. The first bridesmaid drunk, you'll have your head under the dress as a photographer of yesteryear.
Barney: Lily, kidding. I want to look cutesy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin will be the only girl that I will draw. Stella and Ted are on a boat.
Ted (2030): And the day before the wedding, Stella and I made the trip to Shelter Island. With others not far away. Marshall, Lily and Barney are also on board. Marshall, Lily and Barney are in a bar.
Lily: It's not really the place I imagined for the wedding of Ted.
Barney: "The Collective Namaste Yoga and Meditation."
Marshall: I know about you, but I will not namaster here too long.
Lily: Honey, will see the dirty hippie to the reservation there, we, we'll take to drink.
Barney: You have anything like Scotch?
Bartender: In the center, we have a strict anti-alcohol.
Marshall: Super, meals included, right?
Woman: Yes, and they are all 100% vegan.
Barney: I need alcohol. I'm not gonna do that stuff with Robin.Look at that. Berry cocktail, conditioner meninges. I dream, these drinks could make a girl smarter. What hell Ted brought us?
Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: Even worse, I'm 90% sure that this kind in which you spoke was the lead singer of Spin Doctors. Ted joined them.
Ted: Guys, Stella and I have a little problem. Flashback Stella is sitting on the bed and watch the programs, while Ted packs his things.
Stella: The programs are great. It is not our names on it, but otherwise it looks nice.
Ted: Actually, I spoke to Robin. It is a little late, but it will be there on time.
Stella: You're invited Robin?
Ted: Yes, of course.
Stella: You gave me no warning. I'm not sure what to think.
Ted: Can I help you? Are you happy. You like him.
Stella: Yes, but it's your ex girlfriend. It's weird.
Ted: But no.
Stella: It's weird. Not what you imagine is to see her boyfriend's ex marriage. Stella imagine the scene.
Robin: Your new husband dismounted me out three times a day.
Stella: When the former are present, I dunno, it brings back...things unresolved. Close with your ex, do you know that the flame will not turn back?
Ted: Come on, we're friends. In addition, we already had our Thanksgiving last relapse, it is not old.
Stella: Have you bet money against you in this quarrel?
Ted: She already has his ticket.
Stella: It's important to me. I would have never invited the father of Lucy.
Ted: It would not bother me. Tony is great. Invite him too.
Stella: No, Tony is the last person I want to see here, OK? And Robin is the penultimate. Flashback
Ted: Robin will soon get on the plane. In addition, it unleashed a lot of work for that. Robin has the information, while a monkey sits next to her and slap on the desktop.
Robin: Driven by concerns about the environment and oil prices, sales of hybrid vehicles rose 11% over last year. Back to the place of marriage of Ted and Stella.
Ted: What should I do?
Marshall: I know. I understand something is "no ex". Why would we want that history failed to come see one successful?It's like inviting the Seattle Mariners World Series. It's embarrassing for everyone.
Barney: What? No. Robin must come.
Ted: That's true, this is my best friend. Girl friend. My best friend girl.
Lily: I do not care, why do such.
Barney: Dude, Robin has to be there.
Marshall: It should not come.
Barney: What are you parl...
Ted: Aldrin Justice, the last word.
Lily: OK, this would be weird without Robin. But not contradict the bride.
Ted: I will not tell him to come.
Marshall: It's the right decision.
Ted: It's gonna be the worst phone call of all time.
Barney: Co-witness, I'll handle this. Robin picks up the telephone.
Robin: Hello?
Barney: Robin, where are you?
Robin: I'm off to the airport.
Barney: OK, in a few hours. Have a good flight. Bad news. I can not have it. Robin is gone.
Ted: OK, Robin arrives. You know, I'm fine. The former should be able to go to weddings. I'll tell Stella to do with.
Lily: You should be more delicate with Stella about Robin.
Ted: What do you mean by "delicate"?
Lily: The brides are very stressed before a wedding. Well, of course, I was under control.
Marshall: Do not you remember? Flashback In 2006, Lily arrives at the apartment in tears.
Lily: The florist told me that roses are medium pink pale pink that means. Medium pink pale! All're done. Our wedding hall uses a boiler instead of a forced air heating. This is the thing that concerned me. Why are we still married? End flashback
Marshall: After a while, is that the waffle.
Lily: Poor Stella must be the crazy one month in three days.
Ted: What do I do?
Lily: You wait for the next crisis, the rules you, you're a hero.After, you dealt with on about Robin, but this time she will say yes.
Ted: And if there is no other crises?
Lily: This is a bride. There will be another crisis. Four minutes later...
Ted: There is a new crisis.
Lily: Great! What is it? Flashback Stella and Ted are in their rooms.
Stella: My daughter, my daughter does not come to our wedding.
Ted: What?
Stella: Tony was the lead here tomorrow, but cash hurt my marriage, and he will not take him. It's been 5 years. Why not turn the page? End flashback
Ted: So, first thing tomorrow I'm going to talk to him, convince him to let me take Lucy, then boom, crisis solved. Stella is happy. Robin comes to marriage.
Nora: You are Barney?
Barney: Yes.
Nora: I heard you were a real b*st*rd, so listen. Tomorrow night, I want to do things so nasty and depraved that I forget that it was supposed to be my wedding.
Barney: I'm here with someone.
Nora: Bring her.
Lily: You'll never get there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ted is by car.
Ted (2030): So the morning of my wedding, I made the way home Tony, to take Lucy. Ted hits Chez Tony.
Ted: We did a little karate? Tony makes a decision.
Tony: Sorry, sorry dude. You have my alarm activated defense. You must remember these things. Stay alert, rest life.
Ted: OK.
Tony: What brings you here? I thought you'd be in a bridal suite with my wife.
Ted: Not yet. Soon.
Tony: That's right, tonight is the big night. Oh, man, you gonna make love to the mother of my daughter.
Ted: Actually, I've already had s*x many times. Why I always corrects people?
Tony: You and Stella. You're lucky. I could just... I am very happy for you.
Ted: Look, here's the thing...
Tony: You can not take it.
Ted: Tony, stop. It is also a great day for Lucy. You'll have to put your problems aside and think about what is best for her.Whether you like it or not, it really should be the wedding of his mother. I take Lucy with me. He shakes Ted in his arms.
Tony: You're right, man. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just... You see all... made me realize what I had.
Ted: Let's cuddle.
Tony: I'm sorry. Lucy is everything to me. I will lose it with this family, I am not one.
Ted: But you're part of.
Tony: I have not been invited to the wedding.
Ted: You are now. Ted is in a car with Tony and Lucy.
Tony: "Road Trip" OK? (They are on a boat) "Road Trip 2, back in the car." Stella's sister comes to see Barney.
Nora: This is the big day. You hydrate?
Barney: Dear wife, thank you for the interest you have for Barney Stinson...
Nora: Your back will look like a Jackson Pollock.
Barney: I regret to inform you that at this time...
Nora: I have been vegan for 2 years. I need meat.
Barney: There are currently no positions available.
Nora: I am a teacher of Yoga. All positions are possible. Your room in 20 minutes. No preliminary.
Barney: I will not do, huh?
Lily: No chance. Ted, Lucy and Tnny arrive.
Ted: Let me talk to Stella first.
Lucy: Mom! Ted invited Dad!
Stella: Hi, my heart. You've missed. Just one second, OK?Tony invited you? At our wedding? This was discussed. No ex at our wedding. Why did you do that? Robin comes up behind Ted.
Robin: What did Ted this time? Ted and Stella are isolated in their room to talk.
Stella: What does Robin here? I thought I was clear. No ex at our wedding.
Ted: To be fair... your ex is here.
Stella: You've invited!
Ted: Come on, it's not weird.
Stella: It's weird. It is as if it was not over between you. Tony and... I can not look after him. Will you tell him to leave? You can say it's my fault. I'll talk to Robin, she knows it's not personal.
Ted (2030): The children, if I had left Stella talking to Robin, this story would have ended differently. Stella speaks with Robin.
Robin: I understand. Ted talks to Tony.
Tony: I get it.
Man: For the first time, Ted and Stella Mosby. In 2030...
Ted (2030): And now, how I met your mother.
Stella: Your father has finally finished drooling? Who wants ice cream?
Ted (2030): But I have not done.
Ted: You can talk to Tony? Robin made the trip from Tokyo. I should talk to him.
Stella: Of course. Ted goes to talk to Robin.
Ted: Sorry to have run away like that.
Robin: It's OK. Can you imagine not traveling I did. I was on a plane, a whole day. But it was worth it to see you get married.How I would have missed it...
Ted: You can not come to the wedding.
Robin: thank you God!
Ted: What?
Robin: It's weird.
Ted: It's not weird.
Robin: It's weird. You know how it feels to be one of the former married? Robin imagine the scene.
Stella: Take that, bitch! I won!
Ted: It was broken, there is more than a year.
Robin: Yes, but it's not that long ago. See you marry another woman is not really something I look forward to. I just thought if I changed my mind about marriage and children, it was nice knowing you were there.
Ted: So, I was your backup plan. It's flattering.
Robin: That's not it. It's just...
Ted: Why do you mention that? There was nothing between us.
Robin: Maybe so. I mean, of course it does. The kind of thing that leaves no one fell swoop. I'm not a guest over.
Ted: It's true. We went out together, but... we have moved on.And we got what we wanted. I marry, You have the job of your dreams in Tokyo. And they lived happily...
Robin: I quit my job.
Ted: You what?
Robin: I return to New York. I thought I wanted this job, but...Getting back to my real life. And you should go back to yours.
Ted: What does that mean?
Robin: You married. Listen, this is precipitated. It's as if you started a book by the end. You are the most romantic. You stole a blue horn for me. You tried to make rain.
Ted: I did the rain.
Robin: It was a coincidence. After all this is how your romantic quest comes to an end? You hide in the wedding of another in his house in his life, without thinking twice. This is not the end spectacular than you deserve. It's not Ted Mosby.
Ted: I love Stella. This is good. If you feel it all... I think it is good that you come to the marriage.
Bartender: Big fight?
Robin: Yes.
Barman: There you go. It is for me.
Robin: You stop it. (Robin drinks the glass of a sudden) My God, so, stop. Robin knocks on a bedroom door. Barney opens half naked.
Robin: I spend a very bad day. I've stolen scotch at the duty free. It tells you?
Barney: Let's go to your room. Far from it. And can be the whistle.
Robin: I have no room. In fact, I thought I could stay with you.
Barney: No problem. I just need to tidy up a little. Of clothes on the floor and...
Robin: And a girl naked, tied to your bed.
Barney: The towels in the bathroom, a real mess. So, give me 10 minutes... to restore order...
Robin: In addition, Barney. Robin takes his suitcase and leaves. Nora arrives at that time.
Nora: OK, let's go. Who's that?
Barney: The girl on reception.
Ted (2030): Children, sometimes you think you live a story, but the truth turns out to be quite different. (Robin is on board a boat, Ted is in his room and read a map and Stella is also on board) In those days, I thought it covered only the presence of Robin marriage. (Stella Tony covers his coat) If only I had understood what it was about. Flashback Ted and Stella discuss.
Stella: Have his former close... it reveals unresolved problems. End flashback Lily and Ted joined Marshall in the room. Flashback
Stella: With your ex not far, which tells you that the flame will not turn back? End flashback Barney joined them in turn. Flashback
Stella: It's as if it was not over between you. Ted and Stella are in the restaurant.
Stella: I've wasted years waiting for the father of Lucy decides to be "ready" for it. Tony is in the arms of Ted.
Tony: You see all... made me realize what I had. Back at the restaurant...
Stella: I dreamed that Tony is spontaneous like that. End flashback
Ted (2030): Seriously, kids, do not invite your ex to your wedding.