[Scene: The building where Max and Cindy work. Cupid is there leaning against a pole.]
Max: Cindy.
Cindy: Max.
Max: Hi.
Cindy: Hi.
Max: Working late, huh?
Cindy: Yeah, so what else is new, right?
(They walk down the stairs. Cupid's ring glows.)
Cupid: It's a match.
Max: Did you guys survive Y2K alright?
Cindy: Sure. If you ask me it's all just a bunch of hype.
Max: Exactly.
Cindy: I guess I'll see you around?
Max: Okay. Take care.
Cindy: :Yeah, you too.
(Cupid's ring glows and Cindy and Max walk in slow motion.)
Cupid: Cindy, I know those last few loves of yours didn't work out. You've been hurt and you're scared. But you've gotta take a risk if you wanna find the real thing. And Max is real. Open up to him. And Max, Cindy's love and compassion awaits you, but she's afraid that you're still in love with your ex-wife. You've got to reassure her. Life's short you two. So, have a better one together, okay?
(Cupid's ring glows and they stop moving in slow motion.)
Max: Listen, you wanna grab a cup of coffee or something?
Cindy: Yeah, sure, I'd like that.
Max: Great.
[Scene: Cupid is walking along in an alley. Drazi, the demon of hate, grabs Cupid and holds him up against a dumpster.]
Drazi: Hello, friend. I've been looking everywhere for you.
Cupid: Drazi.
Drazi: I knew I'd find ya.
Cupid: Yeah, listen Drazi.
(Drazi throws Cupid into some wooden boxes.)
Drazi: Couldn't leave it alone could ya? You just had to get in the way.
Cupid: You crossed the line.
Drazi: Crossed the line? I am the line. You're the one that went too far and now you're gonna pay.
Cupid: No, wait.
(Drazi reaches into Cupid's chest and squeezes his heart.)
Cupid: Ahh, you're killing me.
Drazi: I could do a lot more than that. A lot more. How does it feel, huh? I can tell ya, I know. Thanks to you, I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out. You don't want to feel that pain do you? (He throws Cupid on the ground and stands on his arm.) No, I gotta better idea and you're gonna just hate it. (Drazi takes Cupid's ring.) Your little magic ring you use to slip in there between the heart beats, plant your little thoughts of love and I'm gonna borrow it. I'm gonna use it to tear apart some of your more recent unions.
Cupid: No, Drazi, no.
Drazi: I'm gonna turn love into hate and that hate is going to slowly and painfully kill you. And in the end, you're gonna wish I had ripped your heart out.
(He walks away.)
Cupid: Drazi!
[Scene: Outside the movie theatre. Prue, Jack, Piper, Dan and Phoebe walk onto the sidewalk. Prue and Jack are holding hands and Dan has his arm around Piper.]
Phoebe: Fifth wheel cutting in.
Piper: Oh, would you stop that.
Phoebe: Well, it is a double date.
Prue: It would have been a triple date if Kevin hadn't cancelled.
Phoebe: I know. It seems to be an epidemic lately. Guys canceling on me.
Piper: You know what happens when they cancel.
Prue: Ooh, back to square one.
Piper: Do not pass go.
Phoebe: And all accrued nookie credits are thrown out.
Jack: There's a penalty?
Prue, Piper, Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Jack: You know this glimpse into feminine mystery frightens me to no end so allow me to change the subject. What did you think of the movie?
Piper: I liked it.
Prue: Loved it except for the bellbottoms.
Dan: It was okay, I guess.
Piper: Who are you kidding? I heard you sniffle.
Dan: Fighting a cold.
Piper: Liar.
Prue: Jack?
Jack: As far as classics go, it was no Dirty Dozen.
Phoebe: I slept through it.
Jack: You slept through Dirty Dozen?
Phoebe: No, Love Story. The last thing I remember is the hockey game.
Piper: That was the very beginning.
Phoebe: Okay, let me guess. Boy meets girl, grim reaper swipes girl, and boy's left with his hockey skates?
Jack: That's the review.
Dan: Anybody want a coffee?
Jack: I hope so because I am buying.
(Prue, Jack, Piper and Dan walk into a coffee shop laughing and giggling. Phoebe walks in and stops, feeling left out. Prue notices her standing there.)
Prue: Hey, you're gonna come get coffee, right?
Phoebe: I'm just gonna get a cab, call it a night. I'm pooped.
Prue: I'm sorry that Kevin backed out on you.
Phoebe: His loss.
Prue: It is so his loss because you are beautiful, my sister.
(Prue hugs her.)
Phoebe: You're so beautiful. Alright, go see your man. Have some coffee.
Prue: Okay. I love you.
Phoebe: I love you too.
(Prue walks over to the others. Cupid comes up to Phoebe.)
Cupid: I need your help.
(He grabs her.)
Phoebe: Let go of me.
Cupid: Hate will destroy me and everything else if you don't help me.
Phoebe: I am warning you, buddy.
Cupid: Phoebe, you gotta believe me. I know why you can't find love.
Dan: Hey, you, let go of her.
(Cupid runs away. Prue and Piper run up to Phoebe.)
Piper: Are you okay?
Phoebe: Uh, yeah.
Prue: What was that about?
Phoebe: I'm not sure.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Phoebe walks out of her bedroom and walks over to Piper's room. She knocks on the door.]
Phoebe: Piper, you still asleep? (She opens the door and walks in. She notices Piper's bed hasn't been slept in. She walks out and over to Prue's room.) Hey, Prue, guess who got lucky last night? (She opens the door and notices Prue's bed hasn't been slept in either. She walks downstairs and the phone rings.) I'll get it. (She picks up the phone.) Hello?
Prue: Morning.
Phoebe: Hey, Prue. Did that coffee keep someone up all night?
Prue: Believe it or not, all we did was talk.
Phoebe: Yeah, right.
Prue: No, I swear. We just talked about everything, it was really great.
Phoebe: Really? How's he react to the witch part?
Prue: Cute. Alright, where's Piper?
Phoebe: Oh, she's still at Dan's. Hey, if only I'd bagged Mr. Creepy, we could have scored a Halliwell hat trick last night.
Prue: Don't be mad.
Phoebe: No, I'm not mad. I'm thrilled for you both. I mean, it's been a long time. You deserve to be happy.
(Cupid walks up behind Phoebe.)
Cupid: You're gonna need a new lock on that back door.
(Phoebe drops the phone, turns around and kicks Cupid in the mouth. He falls onto the stairs.)
[Cut to Prue.]
Prue: Phoebe? (Prue hangs up and runs out of Jack's place.)
[Cut back to the manor.]
Cupid: I'm getting rather used to you kicking love in the teeth.
Phoebe: Okay, who are you and what do you want?
Cupid: More importantly I know who you are Phoebe. And that's why I'm here. I need your help. Charmed Ones kind of help.
Phoebe: I will ask again. Who are you?
Cupid: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Phoebe: Try me.
Cupid: Well, for lack of a better name, Cupid.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Dan's house. Piper's laying on Dan's bed. Dan comes in carrying a tray with breakfast on it.]
Piper: Oh, my.
Dan: All eggs over, bacon crisps, a box of jewellery and dried toast.
Piper: A box of what?
Dan: Would you like the morning paper with that?
Piper: What did you do?
Dan: It's not a big deal. It's not a ring or anything. But just because it's jewellery, I don't want you to feel like you gotta keep it. If you wanna take it back, you can.
Piper: I get it, I get it.
(Piper picks up the box.)
Dan: You gonna open it?
(Piper opens it and there's a diamond necklace in it)
Piper: Oh.
Dan: Cos if you want to you can take it back. (Piper kisses Dan passionately. Phoebe looks around the corner and tries to get Piper's attention. Piper opens her eyes and sees Phoebe. She stops kissing Dan.) Hey, is something- (Piper freezes Dan.)
Piper: Phoebe, what are you doing in here? How did you get in here?
Phoebe: We have got a very big problem. (Phoebe pulls Cupid into the room.) Piper, Cupid. Cupid, Piper.
Cupid: Hi, sorry to interrupt. Glad to see things are working out for you and Dan.
Piper: What?
Phoebe: You have to come home really fast.
Cupid: Yeah, a demon of hate stole my ring and he's gonna use it to find all the loves that I've put together so he can destroy them, which will in turn destroy me.
Piper: Wait a minute.
Phoebe: He's telling the truth. The demon's name is Drazi. He's in the Book of Shadows.
Cupid: Yeah, Phoebe's already started working on the potion that will vanquish it.
Phoebe: And Prue's on her way home.
Piper: From where?
Phoebe: From Jack's. Okay, hurry. Kiss very fast.
(Cupid and Phoebe leave. Piper sits back on the bed in front of Dan.)
Piper: Okey dokey.
(Dan unfreezes.)
Dan: -the matter?
Piper: Yes. Um, there is but not with you. There is absolutely nothing the matter with you. But I do have to go. (She gets off the bed.)
Dan: Hold it. What happened? I don't understand.
Piper: It has nothing to do with you.
Dan: Then what does it have to do with?
Piper: It's, uh, complicated. (She picks up her clothes.) Thank you for this and you'll see it on me tonight at the club. (She kisses him and leaves.)
[Scene: A cafe. Max and Cindy are sitting at a table drinking coffee. Drazi is standing nearby watching them. The ring on his finger glows.]
Drazi: Hello, young lovers.
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Cupid are there.]
Prue: So we're actually supposed to believe that you're Cupid?
Cupid: You believe in warlocks and demons but you can't believe in me?
Piper: Where's the chubby baby?
Phoebe: Guys.
Prue: And the bow and arrow?
Cupid: Where's the warty chins, hooked noses and pointy hats?
Prue: Alright, show us something supernatural.
Cupid: Drazi took my ring. It's my powers, how I get in.
Prue:; Get in?
Cupid: People's hearts, to waken love. See, but Drazi's all about hate and he's gonna use the ring to get in the same way.
Piper: You're still gonna have to back up the Cupid claim.
Cupid: Okay, fine. (He points to Piper.) Dan, (points to Prue) Jack, (points to Phoebe) Clay (points to Prue) Andy. My sincerest condolences. Eric in London, Alec in college, (points to Piper) Not Jeremy the Warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade, (points to Phoebe) Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, Martin, Peter, Paul, Tony.
Phoebe: Okay, you know I didn't love all those guys, right?
Cupid: Yeah, well, they wanted to love you but you're closed hearted. That's what sent them away.
Phoebe: My closed heart? I do not have a closed heart.
Cupid: Look, if people get the feeling that there's nothing there, then eventually it's hasta la vista, Phoebe. That explains the recent rush of cancelled dates.
Prue: Okay, so wait, our past relationships, you made those happen?
Cupid: Well, actually, my assignment here's only two years old. I helped you two meet Jack and Dan but most of your prior loves were work from fellow agents.
Piper: Agents?
Cupid: Oh, yeah. I'm just one of many. We work in secret all over the world making connections
Piper: Did you connect me and Leo?
Cupid: Uh, no. That was the work of you two. Those connections were forbidden to make for obvious reasons.
Phoebe: Um, can we go back to the hasta la vista remark please?.
Cupid: We don't have time right now to debate the topic of your closed heart, Phoebe. We gotta finish the potion so we can vanquish Drazi before it's too late.
Prue: Okay, so how are we supposed to find him?
Cupid: The same way he can find me. We can sense each other. We're connected in a cosmic way. There's a fine line between love and hate.
Piper: Oh, brother.
Cupid: Hey, don't take Drazi lightly. You guys are in danger as well you know.
Phoebe: We're in danger every day. We're used to it.
Cupid: Look, if Drazi succeeds, eventually he'll kill the ability to love. And believe me, it's a fate worse than death.
[Scene: At the markets. Max is buying some flowers for Cindy. He walks over to her.]
Max: Sorry, they didn't have any roses.
Cindy: You're too good to be true. I still can't believe this is all happening.
Max: Believe it.
(They kiss. Drazi appears.)
Drazi: Touching. Really touching. Cindy, could you be a bigger fool? He's still sleeping with his ex-wife. He looks at you as a desperate, lonely woman. Easy s*x. Max, she's nothing but a gold digging tramp, who wants to hit your big fat wallet, just as soon marry ya and kill you for the insurance. Bye bye. (He disappears.)
Cindy: You pathetic...
Max: Bitch!
Cindy: Take your damn flowers. Give them to your ex-wife.
Max: The bank's closed, baby. You're not laying one finger on this guy's money.
Cindy: Screw you.
(Max walks on the road.)
Max: Up yours!
(A car horn beeps and a car hits Max.)
[Cut to the manor. Cupid clutches his chest in pain. Piper walks in the foyer.]
Piper: Prue, Phoebe.
(Prue and Phoebe walk in.)
Prue: What's the matter?
Piper: I don't know.
Phoebe: What's wrong?
Cupid: It's Drazi. He's killing love.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: On the street where Max got hit. Max is on a stretcher and a policeman is talking to Cindy.]
Cindy: He just walked into the traffic. Dumb ass. Is he gonna die?
Policeman: I can't answer that.
Cindy: Because he should you know. I don't think I've known anyone who deserves to be hit by a car more than that guy.
(Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Cupid pull up in the car. They get out and walk over to Max.)
Cupid: It's Max.
Piper: Is he one of yours?
Cupid: Yeah, I matched him up with Cindy last night. She was afraid to risk love too.
Phoebe: Are you picking on me?
Cupid: Phoebe, I'm...
Phoebe: Do you think it's easy finding love with all the demon hunting we have to do?
Cupid: Well, your sisters don't seem to be having any problem.
Phoebe: Alright, you know, let's stay focused. We have things to do.
Prue: Are you sure Drazi did this?
Cupid: Positive. He's still here too. I can feel him?
Phoebe: Where?
Cupid: There. (Cupid points to him and you can see him standing near by.)
Prue: Do you think he knows who we are?
(Drazi walks off.)
Piper: Apparently.
Cupid: He's getting away. Do you have the potion?
Phoebe: Yes. (They all start running after him.) We're not gonna catch him.
Prue: Piper, freeze him.
Piper: He's too far away.
Cupid: Well, someone better do something fast.
(They approach some steps and Prue sits down. She astral projects.)
[Cut to Drazi. Astral Prue appears in front of him.]
Drazi: What?
Prue: Surprise. (She tries to use her power but it doesn't work.) Uh, whoops, that didn't work. (She grabs a piece of wood and hits him. He falls to the ground. Prue astral projects back into her body.) Ah, ah.
Phoebe: Are you back with us?
Prue: I think so. Wow, I really gotta get a handle on that.
Cupid: I don't understand.
Piper: She astral projected.
Phoebe: Did you get him?
Prue: No, I just slowed him down but you guys go get him, hurry. (They run off while Prue sits on the step recovering from astral projecting.) God, I love this new power.
[Cut to Drazi. Phoebe, Piper and Cupid run up to him. Drazi stands up.]
Drazi: Hiding behind witches skirts?
Piper: Stealing things that don't belong to you? (She freezes him.) Okay, go.
(Phoebe throws the potion on Drazi and he unfreezes.)
Drazi: What the...?
(He starts melting and turns into black stuff. Prue arrives.)
Prue: Did you get him?
Piper: Did we?
Cupid: Sure looks like it. Though, I don't know what happened to my ring. It shouldn't have been affected by what we did to Drazi.
Phoebe: So that's it right? We're done? You can just move on.
Cupid: In a hurry to get rid of me, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Look, Cupid. I know you're just trying to help but did you ever think that I may not be ready for love right now?
Cupid: No, you're more than ready.
Phoebe: Don't start. Just go.
Cupid: Well, I need the ring to get back. I mean, unless you can get me another one but the problem is I need it to get back to them.
Prue: Wait, you're stuck here?
Cupid: No, actually, you can help me get back home. One more potion, some well-chosen words from the Charmed Ones and I'm on my way. (to Phoebe) Care to help me with that potion?
Phoebe: Me? Why me?
Cupid: Because you're free tonight, they have dates.
Piper: Hey, how'd you know... never mind, scratch that.
(Prue and Piper walk off. Cupid stands there smiling at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: What are you smiling at?
Cupid: You.
(They walk off. The black stuff on the ground turns back into Drazi.)
Drazi: Well, it looks like you can't kill love after all. But you sure can screw with it.
[Scene: P3. Dan, Piper, Prue and Jack are at the bar. Prue's looking at Piper's necklace.]
Prue: Very nice. So you like it?
Piper: I love it.
Dan: Well, thank your sister. She helped me pick it out.
Prue: Hey. Okay, guilty.
Piper: Well, thank you both and (to Dan) I'll thank you again later.
Jack: Wow, if that's all it takes, when can I buy one?
(Dan and Piper laugh.)
Prue: Okay. (She walks away.)
Jack: You know what? Why don't we find a table and get some food.
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe and Cupid are making the potion.]
Phoebe: So this will send you back?
Cupid: When I drink this, you and your sisters say the magic words and I'm gone.
Phoebe: I can not believe I am stuck here doing the grunt work while they're...
Cupid: Twisting the night away? Don't blame them.
Phoebe: No, I'm not blaming anybody. It's just... I'm here...
Cupid: Stuck with me.
Phoebe: Um, I'm sorry, but did you do something specific to tick Drazi off? Or did he also find your honesty to be a complete and total pain in the ass?
Cupid: Drazi fell in love with a mortal woman. I redirected her love towards a mortal man away from Drazi. She's married now, very happy. But Drazi blames me for denying him love. (Phoebe starts stirring some stuff in a bowl really fast.) A hundred slow strokes there.
Phoebe: So are you telling me that demons love?
Cupid: Uh huh. Frightening stuff. Love of evil, love of fear, sometimes love are the very things they hate. In this case a human being. You know, if a demon can open his heart, there's hope in you too, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, you know, my heart is not closed. Okay, it's open, just not to everybody.
Cupid: Your heart is closed.
Phoebe: I'm picky.
Cupid: No, you're terrified.
Phoebe: Of what? What am I terrified of?
Cupid: You tell me.
Phoebe: I don't want to play this game.
Cupid: Well, then at least stir correctly. (He stands behind her, puts his arms around her and stirs the stuff in the bowl.) Like that.
Phoebe: So, how does this work?
Cupid: It's a travel potion with an aphrodisiac.
Phoebe: Really? An aphrodisiac?
Cupid: Lavender, oysters, rosemary and chocolate and basic caris compound. The key ingredient is desire.
Phoebe: Desire?
Cupid: Desire to go home. 'Cos home...
Phoebe: Is where your heart is.
Cupid: Are you afraid of loss?
Phoebe: No, I swear if you barf up, it's better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all, I might just have to... (She smells the potion.) Mmm, it smells really good.
Cupid: So tell me, what has not loving gotten you?
Phoebe: It's kept me safe.
Cupid: Safe from what?
Phoebe: From people leaving.
Cupid: Your mother?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Cupid: And your father?
Phoebe: And you.
Cupid: Are you falling for me?
(She walks away from him.)
Phoebe: No, I am not falling for you, thank you very much.
Cupid: Ladies and gentleman, Phoebe Halliwell - running away from love.
Phoebe: You are, Cupid. You're the one that's leaving me.
Cupid: Look, Phoebe, what I am is the potential for true love. That's all. Because once you've let love in, it'll never leave. Don't confuse the message with the messenger, Phoebe. It's what you're always done. See, messengers make mistakes, they get lost, they run away, they even die. But the message, open your heart, it comes from life itself. Hear it. For my sake and yours.
[Scene: P3. Prue, Piper, Jack and Dan are sitting at a table.]
Jack: Having an in with the owners of one of the hottest clubs in town does have its benefits.
Dan: Free chicken wings.
Jack: Name one.
Piper: In pleasure of our company.
Dan: And to name two more.
Piper: Thank you.
(Dan kisses her forehead.)
Prue: Bathroom break. Piper.
Piper: Alright, yes ma'am. See you boys in a minute.
Jack: Alright.
[Cut to outside the bathroom. Piper and Prue arrive there.]
Prue: God, I have to pee. (Prue looks at Piper's necklace.) You're okay with that aren't you?
Piper: Okay with what?
Prue: This. I don't really want you mad at me.
Piper: Why would I be mad at you?
Prue: Because I let Dan buy it for you.
Piper: No, Prue, it's okay. It's great.
Prue: And you don't wish that it came from Leo?
Piper: No, I don't. Really.
Prue: I feel strange.
Piper: What do you mean?
Prue: Well, I mean we have these guys out there waiting for us, who care about us. Correct me if I'm wrong but things are going pretty well right now, right?
Piper: Yeah, nothing like a night on the town after a hard day of demon killing.
Prue: Yeah, I'm serious. I mean, you know, think about it. I mean, we did great today and now tonight it's like we're just...
Piper: Finding a balance in our lives?
Prue: Exactly.
Piper: I do feel pretty good.
Prue: Yeah, I think we're gonna be okay.
Piper: Except there's still our little secret.
Prue: Oh, Piper, everybody has little secrets including Jack and Dan.
Piper: Yeah, unless they're transvestite, Nazi, war criminals with great face lifts, then I think we've got them beat.
Prue: Okay, so we're never gonna have normal lives.
Piper: Not ever.
Prue: That doesn't mean we can't try sometimes.
Piper: With someone like Dan perhaps?
Prue: With whoever, sweet girl, I just want you loved.
Piper: Thanks.
Prue: You're welcome.
(Someone comes out of the bathroom.)
Piper: About time.
(They run inside.)
[Cut back to Jack and Dan.]
Jack: Dan, I will never understand the tandem pit stop thing that women do.
Dan: Yeah. Hey, Jack, speaking of mysteries...
Jack: Yeah.
Dan: You know, Piper has this strange habit of sometimes just sort of...
Jack: Vanishing?
Dan: Yeah!
Jack: Prue does it too.
Dan: I figured that. Does it bug you?
Jack: A little, but I'm not gonna give her the third degree about it.
Dan: No, it's like time just stands still for seconds and when it starts up again she's like a total different person.
Jack: Ask her about it.
Dan: I know, I have. She gives me the run around.
Jack: Then don't ask.
(Phoebe and Cupid arrive.)
Phoebe: Hey guys, are Prue and Piper around?
Jack: Yeah, they're in the ladies room. (to Cupid) Excuse me, have we met?
Dan: Yeah, you look really familiar.
Cupid: I've been around.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, come on.
(Phoebe and Cupid walk away.)
Dan: And see that's another thing. There are strange people that always show up at their place. They pop in, they pop out. Who the hell are they?
(You see Drazi enter P3.)
Jack: It sounds like someone is falling in love.
Dan: Yeah, maybe.
(Drazi sees Jack and Dan and the ring glows.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: P3. Prue and Piper walk out of the bathroom. They see Cupid and Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Prue: Hey yourself.
Piper: Cupid.
Cupid: Evening ladies. I trust everything's going well?
Piper: Very well.
Cupid: Prue?
Prue: Well, it's a little early to tell but all the signs are pointing to maybe.
Piper: Did you get everything we need to send him home?
Phoebe: Uh, yeah. He drinks this... (she holds up a bottle) while we say this... (she holds up a piece of paper) and he's gone. Any idea where you wanna do this?
Piper: In there. The stock room.
Prue: Um, is this gonna take very long 'cos you know?
Phoebe: Go tell your boys you'll be back in a few minutes.
Piper: Okay.
Phoebe: And don't dawdle.
(Prue and Piper run out to Jack and Dan.)
Cupid: Ain't love grand?
[Cut to Jack and Dan. Prue and Piper walk up to them and sit down.]
Dan: Welcome back. I was starting to get a little worried there.
(Drazi walks over to them.)
Drazi: Dan, Piper still loves Leo. Always has, always will. You are nothing more than geographically undesirable. After all, a girl can't get much closer than the stud next door. Jack, Jack, Jack. Does the term transmission man meaning anything to you? You are everything she always knew she never wanted. And now for you, Piper.
[Cut back to Phoebe and Cupid. Cupid grabs his chest in pain.]
Phoebe: What's the matter?
Cupid: I can't believe it.
Phoebe: Is it Drazi?
Cupid: He's alive.
[Cut back to the others. Drazi walks away.]
Dan: You know, why don't you just admit it. You're using me to make Leo jealous, aren't you?
Piper: Oh, can you just leave him out of this?
(Phoebe sees them fighting.)
Dan: I'd love to. What about you?
Jack: Rebound guy? Is that it? What makes you think I'm gonna take this crap?
Prue: What, you think I'm just gonna jump in the sack with you on the second date? Why don't you just drop dead.
Piper: I can't believe you're still threatened by him.
Dan: You think I'm an idiot? You think I don't know?
Phoebe: Uh, you guys.
Jack, Dan, Piper, Prue: Shut up!
Prue: Fine. Why don't we just end it?
Jack: You know what? Fine.
Dan: We are dating aren't we?
Piper: No, we're not. Not anymore. And you can have that back. (She pulls off the necklace and throws it at him.)
Dan: I'm sure Leo can replace it with something that means more anyway.
Piper: Probably.
Prue: I'm just glad that nothing ever happened.
Jack: Yeah, well, you and me both.
Prue: Yeah, well, I'm really glad. I mean, I learnt a valuable lesson. Never go out with a jerk.
Jack: Thanks for the evening Prue.
Prue: Alright, bye.
(They start leaving.)
Phoebe: Whoa, whoa, wait.
Cupid: It's not them, Phoebe. They're caught in Drazi's spell.
Phoebe: If he did this, why didn't you sense him?
Cupid: Because I thought he was dead.
(Prue and Piper turn back around.)
Prue: (to Cupid) You're still here?
Piper: You know what? None of this would have happened if you would've just left us alone. Now get out. Get out of my club.
(Cupid starts to leave.)
Phoebe: Where are you going?
Cupid: There's nothing I can do. They're trapped.
Prue: Oh, we are not trapped. For the first time in my life I see things how they really are. Now whoever you are, whatever you're selling, just get out.
Phoebe: No, no. Listen to me. You guys are under a spell. Okay, this is not you. Listen to me.
Piper: If you're with him, why don't you go too?
Phoebe: What? (Prue and Piper walk away.) No, you guys. (to Cupid) We vanquished Drazi. How is this happening?
Cupid: The ring must have saved him.
Phoebe: What, so he's invincible now?
Cupid: Maybe not. Maybe if destroying the loves that I put together is killing me. Maybe the reverse is true. Patching everything up with everybody just might kill him.
Phoebe: But you can't do that without the ring.
Cupid: Well, I've got you.
Phoebe: I'm sorry. What?
Cupid: Your heart is as big and true as anyone I've ever seen, Phoebe. You'll be my ring.
Phoebe: I'm flattered, I think. But I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cupid: You will. Come on, we've got to start with the first couple Drazi tore apart.
Phoebe: Okay.
[Scene: Manor. Piper and Prue walk in the living room.]
Prue: I can not believe Jack. Who the hell does he think he is?
Piper: Jack? What about Dan? We're out on a date and he accuses me of being in love with someone
else.
Prue: Totally out of line.
(They sit on the couch.)
Piper: We're better off without them.
Prue: Certainly not worth crying over.
Piper: I have never hated someone so much in my entire life.
Prue: Me either.
Piper: Although I have to admit some of the things Dan said were kind of true. I do think about Leo
sometimes.
Prue: Jack wasn't wrong when he said I was on the rebound.
Piper: Still it's all so weird. One minute the four of us are laughing and having a great time
Prue: And the next we're acting like we hate each other. Uhh
Piper: What?
Prue: I was just thinking about Drazi.
Piper: No way. He couldn't have had anything to do with this. We vanquished him.
Prue: Jack's scum.
Piper: So is Dan.
Prue: Are you scum?
Piper: No, I'm not scum.
Prue: I knew you weren't. (They giggle.)
[Scene: A building. Phoebe and Cupid are there. They see Cindy.]
Cupid: There she is. We've got to hurry.
Phoebe: But wait, I'm still not exactly sure what the plan is.
Cupid: It's simple. Just talk to her.
Phoebe: About what?
Cupid: She's just the same as you. Her fears are your fears. Just pretend you're talking to yourself.
Here she comes. Hi.
Cindy: Do I know you?
Cupid: No, but we know you and we know about Max. How is he?
Cindy: I don't know. Look, I'm really sorry about what happened. I'm not even sure how it happened but I'm sorry.
(She starts to walk away.)
Phoebe: Uh, Cindy, Cindy. Look, sooner or later Max's pain will go away. But yours won't.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Phoebe: I mean, it hasn't yet has it? The pain of love loss deepens if you don't deal with it. Look, I
know, I know what it's like, believe me. I close myself off to love too because I was afraid. But you know what? Fear and love can not live in the same house.
Cupid: You're getting to her.
Phoebe: It's because the people that we love eventually leave us. So, we've given up on love.
Cindy: You mean love's given up on me.
Phoebe: No, it hasn't. It can't Your fear of loss has lift you paralyzed. Believe me, I know. But you can change that. You can take the risk and love again. I mean, hey, they don't call it lovers leap for nothing, right?
Cindy: What?
Cupid: Actually, lovers leap is a reference to suicide.
Phoebe: Oh. Let me rephrase that. Go to Max. Push through what ever hate or fear or doubt you think might exist between both of you. Just tell him what's in your heart.
Cindy: I love him.
Phoebe: Then tell him that. Now. Before it's too late.
Cindy: Who are you?
Phoebe: Messengers.
Cindy: Thank you.
(She leaves.)
Cupid: I'm starting to fell better already. You were good.
Phoebe: I was good wasn't I?
Cupid: Yes ma'am.
Phoebe: So why do I feel that was more for my sake than for Cindy's?
Cupid: Because in order to let love in, you have to overcome the obstacles within yourself.
Phoebe: You know, we have to go reconnect Prue and Piper's love connection before it's too late.
Cupid: You know the more couples we put back together, the more Drazi's gonna come looking for me wherever I am.
Phoebe: Isn't that the plan?
Cupid: Yeah. I just wanted to make sure you knew what you're getting yourself into.
[Scene. Hospital. A doctor is wheeling Max down the hallway in a wheelchair. Cindy comes up to him holding a bunch of flowers.]
Cindy: They didn't have any roses.
Max: Cindy.
Cindy: I am so sorry for whatever happened today. I don't know what came over me.
Max: It's okay. It doesn't matter. I didn't mean it either. None of it.
Cindy: Really?
Max: Really.
[Cut to Drazi. He doubles over in pain.]
Draze: Cupid. Do you think you can undo what I've done? You're dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. The doorbell rings. Piper opens the door.]
Jack: This better be good.
Piper: Am I supposed to know what you're talking about?
Dan: Don't buy the innocent act. She pulls it all the time.
Piper: I beg your pardon?
Jack: Just cut to the chase, Piper. Why did you call?
Piper: What? I didn't.
(Jack stands at the bottom of the stairs and calls out to Prue.)
Jack: Prue, I wanna talk to you.
Dan: Isn't this your number? "Come to my house a.s.a.p."
Piper: That's really pathetic. Paging yourself?
Dan: Pathetic?
Jack: Prue!
Piper: I'm sorry, I meant moronic.
(Prue comes down the stairs.)
Dan: What?
Prue: Why are you here?
Jack: You called.
Prue: Oh, you wish.
Piper: What is going on?
(Phoebe and Cupid enter.)
Phoebe: Hate and it's gotta stop. I asked Jack and Dan to come over her.
Piper: And what is he still doing here?
Cupid: Trying to help you.
Prue: No reason to hang around here, that's for sure.
Phoebe: Oh, on the contrary. Everyone on the couch now.
Jack: Phoebe, just mind your own business.
Prue: Hey, don't talk to my sister like that.
Cupid: Please.
Phoebe: Okay, everyone on the couch now. Come on.
[Cut to Drazi. He's in a car park. He's still in pain.]
[Cut back to the manor.]
Piper: Phoebe, I don't understand.
Phoebe: Okay, well be quiet and you will.
(Dan and Piper sit on the couch next to Prue and Jack.)
Dan: (to Cupid) You don't look okay. Are you alright.
Cupid: I'm having a rough day.
Phoebe: But we can change that. You are all acting like you are under some kind of spell.
Prue, Piper: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Would you stop thinking and just feel. Look, I know that some ugly things were said tonight but you can get past that.
Prue: Assuming that we want to.
Phoebe: You know you want to.
Cupid: Remember how you felt the first time you saw Jack?
Jack: How would you know?
Prue: Yeah, I hated him.
Cupid: My point exactly. Opposites attract. But after a while he started to make you smile didn't he? He made you laugh. Look at him again. Remember that. (Prue and Jack look at each other and Prue smiles slightly.)
Phoebe: And Piper, I watch you when you talk to Dan and I see light and warmth and hope and I know you feel that way. And Dan, you don't need someone whispering in your ear telling you not to trust Piper. Trust yourself.
Dan: (to Piper) I'm not saying you have to tell me everything but when you deliberately keep secrets from me I...
Piper: It's not because I want to, I told you it has nothing to do with you.
Dan: But does it have anything to do with Leo?
Piper: No, it has to do with you and me and what I would like us to become.
Cupid: It's working.
Phoebe: Where is he?
Cupid: He's close.
Phoebe: Okay, okay, here's the plan. Jack, Dan, you go down to the corner market and get whatever you want. If the food of love is Cheetos and soda, then play on. Um, can you pick up a couple of frozen pizzas?
Jack: (sarcastic) So you can talk.
Phoebe: Yes, that's very good, Jack. Very good, you're quick.
Dan: I'll drive.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, take your time. Bye, bye.
(Jack and Dan leave.)
Prue: Hey, what the hell is going on?
Phoebe: Okay, think you guys. Do you remember Drazi? Well, he's still alive and if Cupid's right, he's on his way here as we speak. Whatever bad feelings you had for Dan and Jack, Drazi did it. He's twisted your relationships with hate.
Piper: So what do we do now?
Phoebe: Exactly what you're doing right now. You let Dan and Jack into your hearts.
Prue: Okay, hold on. I don't love Jack.
Cupid: No, but you like him a lot. And it's helped you open to love.
(Drazi walks around the corner and grabs Cupid.)
Drazi: Hello, lover boy. (Drazi reaches in Cupid's chest and grabs his heart.) I should of finished you off the first time.
(Piper freezes them.)
Piper: Okay, so much for loving him to death. What do we do with him now?
Phoebe: Same thing, only different.
Prue: Been there, blew that.
Phoebe: Yeah, the only difference is the ring won't be protecting him... (she takes the ring off Drazi's finger) it will be protecting him. (She puts the ring on Cupid's finger.)
Piper: How can you be sure?
Phoebe: I can't. (She grabs a bowl full of the potion off the table.) But love is a risk. If he's taught me anything it's that.
(She throws the potion on Drazi and they unfreeze.)
Drazi: No, no. No, not again!
(He starts melting and he turns into black stuff and disappears.)
Piper: Is he gone this time?
Cupid: Yeah, he's definitely gone.
Piper: How do you know?
Cupid: Because I've never felt better. (to Phoebe) I knew you could do it. And now I have to go.
Phoebe: I know.
Cupid: I won't be far. Don't mourn me, Phoebe. Remember me, celebrate me and seek me out.
(He kisses Phoebe and disappears.)
Phoebe: Now that boy can kiss.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside the movie theatre. Jack, Dan, Prue and Piper are there. They just saw "The Dirty Dozen".]
Dan: You gotta remember though the mission was successful. Bronson made it home.
Jack: Just in time to make death wish.
Prue: Oh, no.
Jack: You'll love it, I promise.
(Phoebe's walking behind them. Kevin walks up to Phoebe.)
Kevin: Sorry, Phoebe. I almost forgot to get our parking validated.
Phoebe: No problem, Kevin.
Kevin: Hey, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that I cancelled on you the other day.
Phoebe: Love means never having to say you're sorry.
Kevin: What?
Phoebe: It's nothing. We saw "Love Story" here the other night and... never mind.
Kevin: I love that movie.
Phoebe: Really?
Kevin: Yeah.
Phoebe: Me too... now.
(They catch up to the others who is waiting for them.)
Prue: Hi.
Phoebe: Hello.
Jack: Let's grab some coffee. I am buying.


[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
NCIS THEME
Black-and-white snapshot of Jenny.
In her office, Jenny is asleep. She dreams of her father and attends his suicide. She awoke roughly when her father shot. She closes a drawer which contain a gun.
In La Grenouille's limo
Jeanne: My father knows everything about you.
La Grenouille: Only what my daughter tells me.
Jeanne: And I tell hil everything.
Tony laught nervously followed by Jeanne most naturally.
Tony: That's great. So here we all are, on aour way to... Where exacty are we headed?
La Grenouille: I dont' know. Breakfast? A chance for us to get know each other.
Jeanne nodds.
La Grenouille: I'm sure you have lot of questions. I know I do.
Jeanne: My apartment first, papa. You wouldn't believe the night we've had.
Tony squirms on the seat and tries to quietly take his phone while Jeanne continues to speak. He can not.
Jeanne: I was very frightening.
Tony: Yes, your daughter is very impressive with a scalpel, Mr Benoit.
La Grenouille: Please, Rene.
Jeanne (to Tony): You never told me you could shoot.
Tony: Well I can't, clearly. I missed
Jeanne: On purpose.
René Benoit: There was a shooting in the hospital?
Tony: It's a long story Rene.
René Benoit: We have all week-end.
Tony: Well, it's really more of Jeanne's long story than mine.
Jeanne: There was this crazy young guy who tried to smuggle heroin into the country and he got hit by a car...
Tony tries to quietly take his phone under the suspicious gaze of René.
Jeanne: .... one of the bags in his stomach burst but we didn't know until it was too late. And then ...
She is interrupted by the ringing of his topper.
Jeanne: I forgot to sign the death certificate to release the body. Sorry Papa.
René Benoit (to his driver): Henry, back to the hospital.
Henry: Yes sir.
Tony: Well, I guess breakfast is gonna have to wait.
René Benoit: And all those intriguing questions.
The elevator doors opened, Ziva is inside. She starts to step out but McGee is before the gates.
Ziva and McGee (in the same times): What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well, technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to a test, you'd find that it was too close to call. But since my parents raised a gentleman, and yours raised a killer, I was deffraging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.
She goes to the office talking.
Ziva: Have you heard from Tony?
McGee: You came into the office on a Saturday morning because you're worried about Tony?
Ziva (Seeing the remains of food on McGee's desk): You have been here all night?
McGee: Is that a question or a statement?
Ziva: Question.
McGee: It sounded more like a statement.
Ziva: Demands a answer.
McGee: Yes, I've been here all night.
Ziva: Fragging the computers?
McGee: "Deffraging". You need to work your inflections when you're asking a question. For example, why are you worried about Tony?
Ziva: He was supposed to meet us at the bar last night. He did not arrive, did not call. He's not answering his home phone or his cell phone. Do you have the number to his second cell phone?
McGee: The one he uses for his private calls?
Ziva: Yes.
McGee: No.
Ziva sees Gibbs' desk with food on it.
Ziva: Gibbs was here all night too. Are we a team McGee?
Gibbs' voice: Morning Ziva.
He arrives.
Gibbs: Nothing better to do on a Saturday morning?
Ziva: Teams do not have secrets Gibbs. And if you do not tell me what you were both doing here last night, McGee know he will...
Ziva smiles.
Ziva: ... eventually.
Hospital's parking
The limo parks. Jeanne goes out followed of Tony.
Jeanne: Won't be long.
Tony: I can come with you if you want
Jeanne: No need. He won't bite.
It starts, Rene out of the limousine from the other side and Tony beeps Jenny on her cell phone.
René Benoit: Coffee?
Tony: Coffee would be great.
René Benoit: Good. While we wait, you can tell me how you stole my daughter's heart.
They move away from the limo.
Abby's lab
The director enters, Abby is asleep on the floor. Jenny sees that the research she had given to Abby has a result. The analysis reveals that the fingerprints taken on glass is one of Jasper Shepard, her father. Jenny erases all the results and Abby wakes with a start.
Abby: I'll get it. I'll get it. Director.
Jenny: I'm sorry for keeping you here all night Abby.
Abby: You know what, that's okay. It's not the first time I've woke up on the floor. And not just his floor. Not that I make it a habit of passing out on floor. And not that this isn't a really comfortable floor. If I had to... I'm awake now.
Jenny's phone rings. It is the cell coverage of Tony, but she did not have time to respond.
Jenny: Thank Abby, you can go now.
Abby (looking at her computer): Did we have a match.
Jenny: No.
She leaves the lab.
Abby: Poor guys. Humming away all night and for nothing.
She taps on his keyboard and context "delete search" appears.
Abby: What search result?
Jasper Shepard's photo appears.
Abby: This is not good.
Ziva: Why would the CIA come after the director?
Gibbs: You tell me.
Ziva: Protecting their asset.
McGee: La Grenouille.
Ziva: Does the director know?
Jenny's voice: Know what?
She comes.
McGee: That it's Saturday, and we are all here on our day off, because we love our jobs.
Ziva: Except for Tony who is missing.
Jenny: McGee, I want you to triangulate a cell number: 202-555-0177.
Gibbs: DiNozzo in trouble?
Ziva: I knew it.
McGee is tapping on his keyboard, Gibbs looks over his shoulder.
Jenny: The woman Tony has been seeing, Jeanne Benoit, is la Grenouille's daughter.
McGee: He's been on assignment?
Gibbs has came himself in front of Jenny.
Gibbs: You did plan to tell us at some point?
Jenny: If it led us to her father, yes
Gibbs: Yeah, did it?
Jenny: I don't know.
Gibbs: You wanna tell us what you do know director?
Jenny: Tony just contacted me unsing his alias's cell. It was a prearranged signal using only in emergency if he thought his cover had been blown.
McGee: Triangulating.
He displays the result on the plasma.
Ziva: Anthony DiNardo, cute.
Jenny: I want this fed to MTAC and I want satellite coverage.
McGee: On its way.
Before hospital
Tony and Rene Benoit take cafes.
René Benoit: So, what did Jeanne tell you about me?
Tony: Oh, everything. World's greatest dad.
René Benoit: Children want to believe the best of their parents. I'm sure you believe your father is a good man?
Tony: He was.
René Benoit: Still, love has a way of blinding us to the imperfections.
They walk.
Tony: It's still live
René Benoit: True. And we both love Jeanne .
Tony: Yes we do.
René Benoit: Are you going to break my daughter's heart?
Tony: No, sir, not if I can help it.
René Benoit: Sometimes we lie to the people we love in order to protect them, true?
Tony: You've lied to Jeanne?
René Benoit: Well, have you?
Jeanne leaves hospital.
Tony: Here she comes.
Tony grabs him by the waist.
Jeanne: Done. Now let's get out of here before they remember something else
Tony: I have to move my car, because...
Jeanne: They'll tow you for sure. They are murder around here.
René Benoit: We wouldn't want that. Stay close. Wouldn't want to lose you.
Tony: No chance of that.
Everyone goes to his car.
NCIS, MTAC
The street plan of the city is displayed, a diamond marks the position of Tony.
McGee: He's on 22nd Street Northwest outside Monroe University Hospital.
Jenny: He's on the move.
McGee: He must be in car.
Jenny: How long until get satellite coverage?
McGee: At least 15 mins.
Looking annoyed Gibbs sat in a chair, coffee in hand.
McGee: Or we could patch into D.C's traffic-cam system. See if we can locate him on the traffic-cam management.
Gibbs: Do it.
Jenny (to Ziva on the phone): Anything?
Ziva: Still not answering. Shall I try his undercover cell phone?
Jenny: Put it on speaker. (Tony messaging, music of 20th Century Fox): Hi, you've reached Professor Tony DiNardo. Leave a message and I will get back to you. I promise.
Jenny: His cover is teaching film online at American University.
Ziva (to McGee): Tony, a teacher?
McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Whose bright idea was that?
Jenny: Mine.
McGee's computer beeps .
McGee: We're in.
Jenny: Bring it up.
Images of the movement appear on the big plasma.
McGee: Got it. Overlaying the cell-phone signal.
Ziva: Tony's car.
McGee: Tony DiNardo's car.
Gibbs: How deep is his cover?
Jenny: Deep enough to withstand the sort of scrutiny la Grenouille can bring to bear.
Gibbs: You better hope so.
McGee: West on M Street.
Jenny: No one else is in the car with him.
She tries to call him.
McGee: He's turning north onto 29th Street.
Ziva: trafic speed. No sign of dureless.
Jenny: His cell phone is still of.
Ziva: No one seems to be tailling him.
Gibbs: Maybe he's the one doing the tailling.
McGee: Still on 29th.
Tony's car exploses. The whole team was surprised.
Jenny: Oh my God!
Black and white snapshot: Gibbs
The staff and the director arrived at the place where Tony's car has explosed. Firefighters deviate to let the team work. We see a charred body bent over the wheel of the car.
Gibbs: McGee.
McGee looks at the car and can not be detached.
Gibbs: McGee!
McGee out of its torpor and takes pictures of the particular weapon and the phone while Jenny looks at Tony's body and found an object.
Jenny (to McGee): Hey, that some of timer device?
McGee leans over and takes the object photographed.
McGee: Ten bucks in most electrical stores. Probably activated when the ignition turned on.
Ziva took the car photo.
McGee: ... Count down however long you need it to. When it reached zero...
Jenny gets up and walks to Ducky who examined the body, Gibbs by his side.
Ducky: Shock wave would have killed him before the fire. Death would have been instantaneous. Small mercies, my dear boy.
Jenny: Identification?
Ducky: The general build, height, weight are about right. Most of the epidermis and dermis on the hands and fingers have been burned off, so no fingerprints. We need to get his dental records for positive identification. And there is any chance that it's not Tony?
Jenny: None that I can think of.
She walks away.
Ducky (to Gibbs): She blames herself.
Gibbs nodded.
Ducky: Should she?
Gibbs: Let me know when you finish, Duck.
He goes in turn. Ziva on his side the badge photograph of Tony. McGee is with her.
McGee: You believe in miracles, Ziva?
Ziva: Not part of my training.
McGee: That might be not Tony.
They both look the car silently.
Abby's lab.
It removes the evidence found at the scene of the accident. Gibbs is also there.
Abby: Tony is not dead Gibbs. Not until Ducky says it's him. Until then, he's just... he's not here. And I don't care what the evidence says. Even if everything here belongs to Tony, it's still not him until Ducky says that it's him. And don't try to tell me anything different, because I'm not gonna believe you.
She freezes.
Abby: Tell me it's not him Gibbs. Tell me it's not him.
She takes Gibbs in his arms.
Gibbs: I wish I could Abby.
She departs from him and goes to his computer.
Abby: I need to be alone right now with the gang. I've got work to do.
Gibbs sees the bottle of scotch and glass that gave Jenny the analysis. He takes gloves.
Gibbs: Abby, how did these get here?
Abby: Director Shepard swore me to secrecy when she brought those in and asked me to run them for the prints, so I can't tell you.
He took off the gloves and approached her.
Gibbs: Any other secrets you can't tell me?
Abby: No. It's just that one. Because when director Shepard said that there wasn't an AFIS match, and then tries to hide the results from me, she actually didn't swear me to secrecy, so that is not a secret.
Gibbs: Who was the match?
Abby: Her father.
Gibbs: Her father has been dead for 12 years, Abby.
Abby: No, not according to AFIS.
She taps on his keyboard and displays the results.
Abby: That is a ten-point match, Gibbs. These are new prints. There's no way Director Shepard's father is dead.
Director's Shepard office
Jenny looks out the window. Gibbs is in his office.
Jenny: I burried my father Jethro. I know he's not comming back. But someone is going to great lenghts trying to convince me he's alive.
She turns and faces Gibbs.
Gibbs: We've got a polygraph test Monday.
Jenny: Routine.
Gibbs: They're targeting someone.
Jenny: Me?
Gibbs: So I've been told.
Jenny: I've never failed a polygraph. I'm not abour to start.
Gibbs: And if they asked you about your father?
Jenny: He's dead.
Gibbs: Any doubt, any hesitation will raise a red flag.
Jenny: There is no doubt.
Gibbs: I saw his fingerprints.
Jenny: My father's dead.
Gibbs: Subject displayed emotional instability suggesting delusional belief her father isn't dead. Next question. We just put her on medical leave or we fire her?
Jenny defies Gibbs.
Gibbs: Opération Lodestone, you know it?
Jenny: Should I?
Gibbs: Black op, focused on weapons control and arms proliferation.
Jenny: Not one of ours.
Gibbs: CIA.
Jenny: My father's job at the Pentagon was in a field of arms control. He was under investigation for accepting a bribe when he was killed.
Gibbs: Coroner says he took his own life.
Jenny: He was murdered.
Gibbs: Proof?
Jenny: None, but I know who's responsible.
Gibbs: The same guy you sent one of my agents after?
Jenny: One of my agents. A deep undercover operation that I ran on a need-to-know basis.
Gibbs sighed and headed toward the exit.
Jenny: And Jethro if you think I'm obsessed with la Grenouille because of what's happened to my father, you're wrong.
Gibbs: You may wanna skip this polygraph test Monday.
Gibbs leaves.
McGee looks again the images of the explosion of the car. Ziva is at her desk.
Ziva: Must you keep doing that?
McGee: Just checking something Gibbs said. Tony wouldn't have carried it with him, you know. His shield and ID, not if he was undercover. And he would have stashed it in the car, maybe under the seat. Just because we found his ID doesn't mean it's Tony.
Ziva: His car, his ID, his weapon, both of his cell phones, McGee?
McGee sits on the edge of the office of Gibbs and rewinds the video. Ziva gets up and comes near him.
Ziva: What was is that Gibbs said that you thought needed checking?
McGee: He thought Tony might be talling someone.
They will view the video.
Ziva (outstretched hand to the screen): Stop it there. Take it back.
McGee rewinds. A limousine is displayed.
Ziva: It's a limousine. It was on the previous camera. It's on every camera.
McGee: He was following that limousine.
He goes to his computer.
Ziva: Where is Gibbs?
Ducky's autopsy room
Ducky is currently disequations lung. Palmer is at his side, winning in a small jar that is Ducky.
Ducky: Another shrapnel, lower left lobe.
He puts it in the little jar. A bell rang.
Palmer: Blood test are back.
He take the paper.
Ducky: What type?
Palmer: A+
Ducky: And Tony's?
Palmer looks into the computer.
Palmer: A+
Ducky sighed.
Ducky: Yes, well, 34 percent of the nation's population share the same blood group, let's not go drawing any conclusions. Well, await the dental records before making a positive ID. in the meantime,....
It begins to dictate his report, Palmer is taking notes.
Ducky: ...the lungs: penetratives shrapnel damage, middle and lower left lobes. Otherwise, heathly tissue. Non-smoker, minimal scarring.
Palmer (writing): Minimal scarring.
Ducky: Minimal scarring.
Palmer: I got that doctor.
Ducky: Yes but Mr Palmer, how could he?
Palmer: How could he what, sir?
Ducky: Have minimal scarring in both lung.
He takes a knife and cut the lung.
Palmer: Healthy living?
Ducky: Yersinia pestis, y pestis.
Palmer: The pneumonic plague?
Ducky: Yes, the plague Mr Palmer. This man has never had the plague.
They smile. Ducky starts from.
Ducky: He's never had the plague.
Palmer: No, he has never had the plague.
Ducky: He never had this damn plague.
He took off his gloves and threw them in Palmer. Palmer laughed.
Ziva, McGee and the director are before the plama. Gibbs stands a little further.
Ziva: The limousine is leased to a shell company. The parent company is EuroFreight.
McGee: Head office is in Luxembourg.
Ziva: The principal behind the company is Rene Benoit.
McGee: Tony could been followed la Grenouille.
Ducky arrives and goes to Gibbs.
Ducky: I'm sorry to differ Timothy but he wasn't. (To Gibbs) Look, Tony contracted pneumonic plague, I'm sure everyone can remember.
Ziva: Before my time.
McGee: He almost died.
Ducky (to Ziva): From severe pneumonia. (To everyone) As a result, his lung would have been extensively scarred. Unlike the almost pristine lung of the man currently in autopsy. The body on which I am performing an autopsy is not Tony's.
All smiles.
Jenny: If it's not Tony, then who is it?
Gibbs: And where is DiNozzo?
Black-and-white snapshot of Jenny
Jenny is in front of the plasma, McGee and Ziva to their office. Gibbs looks over the shoulder of McGee.
Jenny: I wanna know everything about this company. Bank statements, telephone records, personnel.
McGee: Hard drive's spinning up now.
Jenny: Everything Tim. If la Grenouille is in D.C, this could lead us to him.
Gibbs: Or DiNozzo.
Jenny: Well, obviously DiNozzo is our first priority.
Gibbs: Ziva, start with the hospital. Find out when DiNozzo left and with whom.
Ziva: And who was driving his car. Got it.
Trent Kort arrives.
Kort: Director Shepard.
Jenny: Mr Kort. An unannounced visit by the CIA usually means someone's in trouble. I trust it isn't you.
Kort watching everyone.
Kort: Where is he?
Jenny: It depend on who "he" is.
Kort: DiNozzo.
McGee rises.
Jenny: I honestly don't know. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you until you explain to me why you're looking for me so urgently.
Kort: Le Grenouille flew to D.C this morning. He didn't arrive at his safe house...
Gibbs rises of his office.
Kort: ... and his satellite phone has stopped transmitting.
Gibbs: Mislaid your arms dealer? That's gonna be embarrassing.
Kort: I don't know what NCIS is up to, but I want a private briefing in your office now.
Jenny: I'll decide what briefing you get and where you get it, Mr Kort, and if we have a problem with that, why don't you have your director give me call.
Kort: You are jeopardising one of the most important long-terme covert operations the agency has ever conducted.
Gibbs: Operation Lodestone.
Kort: You're not read in on Lodestone.
Gibbs: Ok, so read us in.
Jenny: Unless the CIA just believes in one-way trafic.
Kort: This is not going to end well for you.
He heads toward the elevator followed by everyone.
Gibbs: Special agent DiNozzo's car was bombed this morning but I guess you know that.
Kort: He wasn't in it.
Jenny: Thanks for sharing.
Kort: The agency has nothing to do with it.
Gibbs: Is that when you mislaid your frog, in all that confusion?
The elevator doors opened on Tony who laught when he see Kort.
Tony: Hey, my car blew up this morning. Did you do that?
Kort took him by the collar and the plate against the wall.
Kort: Where did you go with la Grenouille?
Tony turns his head and it means the team all weapons out and pointed at Kort. He lets Tony.
Tony: Actually he prefers René. Arms dealers get very touchy about their code names...
The team lowers his arms.
Tony: ... "The Frog" has a kind of slimy overtone to it. Maybe you should keep that in mind for next time. You could use it yourself.
Kort: We will find him, DiNozzo.
Tony: You may wanna take the stairs. I had a little upset tummy this morning.
Kort enters the elevator.
Tony: Happy frog-hunting. (To the team). What, no balloons?
[SCENE_BREAK]
In director's office
Tony, Jenny and Gibbs watches the video of the explosion of the car.
Tony: That was more exciting live.
They all sit around a table. Tony in front of Gibbs.
Jenny: You saw it? You were there?
Tony: Saw it, heard it, felt it.
Jenny: You can start whenever you're ready.
Tony: He was waiting when I left the hospital this morning with Jeanne. She'd arranged it. It was her little surprised, I guess. Meet the parents: Part 2. I hat sequels...
Gibbs smiles.
Tony: ... Figured my cover was blown as soon as saw him. Turned out he'd know for months.
Gibbs: Kort?
Tony: Probably. I tried talking my way out if it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tony gets into his car in the garage of the hospital.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tony: Made it as far as my car.
[SCENE_BREAK]
René Benoit: Tony!
Tony: Crap!
René Benoit: These's no need to take your car. Henri will drive it. You come with Jeanne and me.
Tony: Oh, that's really nice of you. I gotta go, I really ... I need to go home and change...
René Benoit: I will have to insist, agent DiNozzo.
Tony gets out of the car.
Tony (to Henri): Be careful with the second. It tends a stick a little.
Henry: Your cell-phone?
Tony gives it to him.
René Benoit: Both of them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jenny: Did la Grenouille tell Jeanne who you were?
Tony: They didn't miss a beat. Pretended everything was fine. That didn't last long. I could see this guy driving my car a few car lenght behind us when...boum.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Back in the limo. Behind her, Tony's car explodes.
René Benoit (to Jeanne): Stay down. (To the driver) Allez!!!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tony uses a drink of water.
Jenny: What was la Grenouille's first reaction?
Tony: That he was the target.
He drinks, sighs.
Tony: I'm not so sure.
Gibbs: You think it was you, Tony?
Tony: It was my car, boss. And we have certainely pissed off the agency a lot lately. Well, the director and I have pissed off the agency a lot lately. Although, mainly me.
Gibbs: For what it's worth, Kort denied the agency involvement.
Tony: That's because Kort doesn't play by agency rules. The guy's got a hair trigger.
Jenny: Where did la Grenouille take you?
Tony: Well, kind of blew away the breakfast plans. Blew away a lot of things.
Jenny: Jeanne.
Tony: It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Jenny: You never really thought it could end any other way, did you?
Tony: You mean, other than badly?
Jenny: You're not supposed to fall in love with him.
Tony: Thank you so much for that, director. I am gonna keep that in mind for next time. Wait a second, there's not gonna be a next time.
Jenny: What did Jeanne say?
Tony: Nothing I'm gonna tell you.
Jenny: Agent DiNozzo!
Tony: Nothing you need to know, director.
Furious sight from Jenny but proud from Gibbs.
Jenny: Where is la Grenouille?
Tony: I don't know. He dropped me off at the main gate. Drove west. Probably heading to California. He was driving pretty fast. He could even be there now. Talk about his future.
Gibbs: Yeah? About what?
Tony: Doesn't think he has one.
Jenny: Probably doesn't.
Tony: He wants out.
Gibbs: Kort knows.
Tony: That would explain why he's so desperate to find him. The CIA is about to lose one of its most prized assets.
Jenny: What exactly does he mean by "out"?
Tony: Well, he's gonna call and arrange a meeting. And give himself up. Because he says NCIS is the only agency he trusts.
Ziva is on the phone.
Ziva: What time? Did she say how long she would be gone?
McGee arrives and gives him coffee. He sits on the edge of the desk.
Ziva: No, no, I understand. Thank you.
Tony McGee arrives and slaps on the back of the head, then will move to his office.
McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believe that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.
She gives him a punch on the arm.
Ziva (to Tony): Don't even think about the head slap. Is everything cool with the director and Gibbs?
Tony takes his phone.
Tony (to Ziva): Beyond cool. Almost icy.
Ziva: You seem anxious.
Tony: I'm fine. Anyone call for me?
McGee: No.
Ziva: If you're calling the hospital, she's not there. She called the ER to let them know she was going away for a few days.
Tony hangs up the phone violently.
Tony: Going where?
Ziva: She did not tell them.
Tony: Well...
Ziva: She knows?
Tony: She knows.
Ziva: What are you going to do?
Tony: I am gonna wait until the morning and then talk to her.
Abby comes screaming and runs into the arms of Tony.
Abby: Tony! I knew you were all right. I knew it. Everybody else give up for dead, even Ziva.
Ziva (a paper cup in the hands): Ok, so I may have acted a little hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener.
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull but I have always admired it.
Tony opens his drawer.
Tony: Where is my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky.
Behind Tony, Ducky tries to discreetly put the staples.
Abby: Hey Ducky.
Tony turns.
Ducky: My dear fellow I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home.
He gives the staples to Tony and left. Gibbs arrives.
Gibbs: It's not every day people think you are dead DiNozzo.
Abby (running to Gibbs): Gibbs, I know who blew up Tony's car. Well not Tony's car, but his alias's car. And not exactly who but more like how and why.
McGee: Do you have a motive?
Abby: Me? No. But they do.
Abby's lab
Abby explains his theory to the whole team.
Abby: Every bomb-maker has a signature: the components, the way it's assembled. Sometimes right down the colored tape they use to bind it all together. In this case, the components are common to at least 9 others bombs that have gone off in the last 4 years.
She goes to his computer and showed pictures of explosions.
Abby: I made a match on Interpol. The bombs have gone off all over the world: Algeria, Indonesia, the Middle-East, Chechnya...
Ziva: Anything linking the victims?
Abby: They were all arms dealers.
McGee: The only problem is Tony's not an arms dealer.
Gibbs: Girlfriend's father is an arms dealer.
Tony: She's been working nights. I pick up her every morning for breakfast.
Ziva: You park the car, they strap on the bomb set the timer and walk away.
Gibbs: You weren't the target, she was.
Tony: Maybe she still is.
Gibbs: Take Ziva.
Tony et Ziva leaves.
Gibbs (to Abby): Good.
Director Shepard's house
Jenny opens the door of his house, her cell phone rings.
Jenny: Hello?.
René Benoit: Good evening Madam Director.
Jenny: Good evening. I've been told you wanna meet me.
René Benoit: Long overdue. I'm sure.
She turns the lights on and closes the doors.
Jenny: Just tell me where and when.
René Benoit: Now. In you study.
La Grenouille is in front of her in her office.
René Benoit: Hello, Jenny.
Black-and-white snapshot of a boat. Jeanne's apartment
Tony and Ziva arrives at the apartment of Jeanne. They enter.
Tony: Jeanne?
The cupboards are empty.
Jenny's house
Jenny and la Grenouille are in the office thereof. She stays away from him.
René Benoit: So here we are at last. Face to face.
Jenny: Not quite the way I expected to meet.
René Benoit: Nor I. I must compliment you for your pursuit.
They settled in a chair, Jenny is behind his desk.
René Benoit: I actually like your agent DiNizzo.
Jenny: So does your daughter.
René Benoit: Very much, yes.
Jenny: What do you want from us?
René Benoit: Well, a sanctuary, assylum. Call it what you will. In return of my extensive knewledge of the arms market, I want protection for my daughter.
Jenny: Protection from whom?
Gibbs enters.
Gibbs: Whoever tried to kill his daughter this morning.
René Benoit rises.
René Benoit: Agent Gibbs, I believe. Well, it's true. My ennemis come for my daughter. They wanna see me suffer. But she's safe. For the time being.
Gibbs: Which ennemis?
René Benoit: I have many.
Jenny: Why now?
Gibbs: This have something to do with Operation Lodestone?
René Benoit: He's well informed.
Jenny: Read us in.
René Benoit: On what? The arrogance to the CIA to do what? Make me the biggest arms dealer in the world?
Gibbs: You control the illegal arms trade, the CIA controls you.
René Benoit: That was the idea. Until you came along and someone found out. Another arms dealer perhaps. And I'm running out of time. I can no longer trust Kort.
Gibbs: Did you ever?
Jenny rise.
Jenny: This isn't the first time you were in this study.
René Benoit: No. I met your father here on occasion. Many years ago.
Jenny: Tell me about us.
René Benoit: He was a fine man. He had a couscience. One day, it got the better of him.
Jenny: You believe the story that my father took a bribe while overseeing an arms-reduction treaty?
René Benoit: Well, sadly, that's not a story. It's a fact.
Jenny: How do you know?
René Benoit: Because I paid him that bribe.
She pulls out a gun from his drawer and points to la Grenouille.
Jenny: No. You killed him because he wouldn't take it.
René Benoit: Well, I can understand how hard that is to accept. My daughter is... she's facing the same struggle.
Jenny round the office and is placed in front of the trafficker.
Gibbs (to Jenny): It's not loaded. I guess he beat you to it.
René Benoit: I didn't want you to do anything rash before I had a chance to explain myself. I need your protection.
Jenny: You have the bullets. Take the damn gun. Protect yourself.
She puts the gun in his hands.
René Benoit: You're sign my death warrant.
Jenny: Twelve years overdue.
He put a card on the desk.
René Benoit: Here's my number in case you change your mind.
Jenny: You'd better leave before I do.
René Benoit: I hope my daughter is as loyal to her father as you are to yours.
He leaves the house. Jenny is drinking a scotch.
Gibbs: You just let your personal obsession get in away of your professional responsability.
Jenny: That's a lot of crap, and you know it, Jethro. There no deals for men like him. You wanna chase after him right now and arrest him without a warrant, you go right ahead. But we both know that Kort will have him out before breakfast.
Gibbs: Then get your damn warrant.
Jenny: You get a warrant. But you'd better do it fast before his friends get him first.
Gibbs: If the weapon was loaded, and I wasn't here, would you have pulled the trigger?
Jenny: I guess we'll never know.
He put a charger on her desk and leave.
Jeanne's apartment
Ziva is a letter from Jeanne, she gives it to Tony.
Ziva: On the table.
Tony opens it and reads it, then he turned to Ziva a smile.
Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.
Ziva: He told her.
Tony: No. I did.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tony and Jeanne are sitting on a bench in a park. La Grenouille is later.
Jeanne: I don't understand what's happening? Tony, that was your car. Your car that just... It could have been you. It should have been you.
Tony: Tell me you love me. Tell me.
Jeanne: I do. It's just everything that's happened... Happened today. Last night, the way you handled things, the gun. The gun firing it the way you did, and now this? It's like you're someone else, Tony. Someone else. Someone I don't know. What is it?
In his corner, la Grenouille yells on a phone.
Jeanne: You are, aren't you? Someone else. Who? Who are you?
Tony: I'm a federal agent. My name isn't Tony DiNardo, it's Anthony DiNozzo and I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Jeanne: This is all been a lie. A lie?
Tony: Jeanne, listen to me. Not all of it, not everything. Just some things. Not the importants things.
Jeanne: Why? Just tell me why you did this. What it is I'm supposed to have done. Tell me.
Tony: It's not you.
He looks at la Grenouille.
Jeanne: What?
Tony: You should ask him.
She leaves, Tony is alone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tony: Well he said she'd come back after she calmed down. I guess he was wrong.
Ziva: I will put out a BOLO. We will find her.
Tony: She doesn't wanna be found.
Ziva leaves and Tony lot sits against the couch.
McGee is on his computer, Ziva plays on her cell phone.
McGee: No luck?
Ziva: Not at home. And he's not replaced his cell phone yet.
McGee: Maybe he took the day off.
Ziva: Gibbs would have told us.
Gibbs arrives a coffee in his hand.
Gibbs: Gibbs would have told you officer David?
Ziva: If Tony was taking some time off.
Gibbs: Yeah, you're right. There always more work to be done when you're a man down on the shift. McGee?
McGee: I think I've got something here, boss. I found another one of la Grenouille's shell companies. Similar of the one that leased the stretch limo, only this one leases a yacht down at the Gangplank marina called the Mauritania.
Gibbs: How big?
McGee: Eighty feet, three state rooms. Ziva checked with the marina management. Someone's been staying there since Saturday. Older guy with an accent. They think he's French.
Gibbs: And a younger woman?
Ziva: No, he said he was alone.
Gibbs: Warrant?
Ziva: Just arrived from Legal. It is all in order. They could not guarantee it would not stop a concerted legal challenge from the Agency.
Gibbs: Yeah, let them try. Let's go.
The team takes its business.
Marina
The team arrived at the marina to the boat. They are armed and boarded. They searched the boat but it is empty.
Ziva: He's gone.
McGee: Maybe he was never here.
Gibbs find la Grenouille's jacket.
Gibbs: He was here.
They descend from the boat.
McGee: We'll catch up with him eventually.
Ziva: Someone will.
Gibbs: One day.
On the boat, we see a silhouette. In the water floats the body of the frog, shot in the head.


Scene: The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya's calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.
Sheldon: It's eight o'clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?
Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.
Sheldon: All right, so technically it's not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you'd open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?
Leonard: That doesn't sound like mocking.
Sheldon: You didn't let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?
Leonard: I don't know. Why?
Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).
Leonard: Listen, I don't want to be rude, but Priya's gonna be calling any minute, so...
Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.
Leonard: Yes, I've always admired that about you.
Sheldon: As well you should. But I'm going to make an exception here.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.
Leonard: A hobby?
Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.
Leonard: You know, some people might say that it's great that we're trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there's the difference. (Skype tone rings)
Leonard: Excuse me, that's Priya.
Priya (on screen): Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, honey.
Priya: I miss you.
Leonard: Oh, I miss you, too.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.
Penny: It's great, isn't it?
Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.
Penny: What name?
Sheldon: Chair.
Penny: Oh, all right, well, I'm glad you like it. I mean, I still can't get over the fact someone just threw it away.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here.
Sheldon (jumps up): Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)
Penny: What is wrong?
Sheldon: I've been sitting in garbage!
Penny: Sheldon, take it easy.
Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.
Penny: I went into this marriage with so much hope.
Sheldon: There's a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment). Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard's workshop.
Raj: This is fun. I've never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.
Howard: Pretty sweet, huh? This little baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard: That's three minutes. Should we see what we got?
Howard: Hang on.
Raj: Oh, yeah. This is one good-looking panini.
Howard: Hand me the tuna melt.
Leonard: Yep.
Howard: Thank you. How's it going with the long-distance love affair?
Leonard: Not easy, but we're making it work.
Howard: When you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber nasty?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, the virtual pickle tickle. The digital bow-chicka-bow-bow.
Raj: Come on, dude. This is my sister you're talking about.
Howard: Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him actually touching her with it.
Leonard: There's no junk jiggling. We just talk.
Howard: Are you insane? With high-speed Internet, you have at your fingertips the greatest advancement in the field of s*x since the invention of the washcloth.
Leonard: I can't do that.
Howard: Well, if you don't, you're gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
Raj: How can you be so racist?
Howard: Oh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.
Sheldon (entering): Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard: I did it last night, I'm not doing it again.
Howard: Just his head, right?
Leonard: I don't want to talk about it. You didn't catch bugs from Penny's chair.
Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they're cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.
Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing again.
Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.
Scene: Penny's apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Yello.
Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It's a health hazard.
Penny: Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah. It's cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.
Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That's reassuring.
Penny: Why don't you give it a try, Sheldon?
Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.
Penny: Why don't you just admit you overreacted?
Sheldon: No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny's apartment.
Leonard: It's like living with a Chihuahua.
Sheldon (at Penny's door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What's up, buttercup?
Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.
Penny: Nope. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What's the word, hummingbird?
Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.
Penny: No. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What's the gist, physicist?
Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom.
Leonard: So, here we are. Back in bed together.
Priya (on laptop screen): Yep, here we are.
Leonard: Okay, so I, I, I guess I'll just jump right in.
Priya: All right.
Leonard: Uh, you're a naughty girl. And, and, uh, I, I want to punish you with my love?
Priya: What?
Leonard: Not good?
Priya: That's terrible. Try again.
Leonard: Okay. Uh, uh, you're not naughty. Uh, you're, you're, you're dirty. You're, you're a, a dirty girl?
Priya: Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, okay. You're a, you're a, you're a, a dirty, disgusting, revolting girl. Ugh!
Priya: God, Leonard, stop talking.
Leonard: Why don't you just give me five minutes? I'll Google how to do this. I'll call you right back.
Priya: Shh-shh-shh. Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
Leonard: Okay, like usual. Good.
Priya: Take off your shirt.
Leonard: All rightie. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.
Priya: I said be quiet.
Leonard: Yes, ma'am.
Priya: Now take off your shorts.
Leonard: Taking shorts off. There we go. Naked, naked, naked!
Priya: Wonderful. Now I'll take off my clothes.
Leonard: Cool. (computer screen bugs out) Uh-oh!
Priya: Here I am, baby. You miss these?
Leonard: Oh, damn it!
Priya: Oh, Leonard! Already?
Leonard: No, no! No-no-no! The screen froze. It's probably just buffering, just give it a second.
Priya: Fine.
Leonard: So, how are your mom and dad?
Priya: Yeah, I really don't want to talk about my parents now.
Leonard: Yeah. Sure, sure.
Sheldon (calling from outside): If your video's frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack.
Leonard: Oh! I didn't even think of that. Thanks.
Sheldon (still off): You're welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Amy's apartment. Amy is playing a harp.
Amy: Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes...
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Oh... You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.
Amy: Denial. Denial, denial. Come in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff'rent Strokes? Now the world don't move to the beat...
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that's every song I know. What's up?
Sheldon: You're good friends with Penny, right?
Amy: Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.
Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You're mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: All right, name your price.
Amy: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?
Amy: Never mind. I'll talk to Penny.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Will you listen to me play my harp now?
Sheldon: No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I'm going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't be mad at me. Don't do that!
Scene: Howard's workshop.
Leonard: I don't know about this, Howard.
Howard: What? You're having trouble with the long-distance lovemaking. This is your answer. There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth. You have one, Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue on yours, it transmits exactly what you're doing to hers. See? Internet kissing. (Howard kisses device) Give it a try.
Leonard: I don't think so.
Raj: I'll try it. Like this?
Howard: Almost. Really get your tongue in there, to activate the motion sensor.
Raj: Like this?
Howard: Close. Really French it.
Raj: Better?
Howard: Yeah, you got it, you got it.
Raj: I'm impressed. This is very lifelike.
Howard: Whoa! You just bit my tongue!
Raj: I, I nibbled. I was being playful.
Howard: Why do you have to make everything weird?
Raj: Sorry. Better?
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: Pretty cool, huh? Probably would cost, like, two hundred bucks in a store.
Amy: I do appreciate a bargain. This entire ensemble once belonged to my dead grandmother.
Penny: You're kidding.
Amy: Everything except bra and panties. And they're a leopard-spotted secret I share with Victoria.
Penny: And now me.
Amy: I just have one question about the chair.
Penny: And what's that?
Amy: Aren't you worried about it being unhygienic?
Penny: No, it's completely fine. Hmm. I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.
Amy: No, he didn't.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Yes, he did. He absolutely did.
Penny: My God, Amy, that's really crappy of you.
Amy: It is?
Penny: Yeah! Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me? I thought you were my friend.
Amy: No, I am your friend. Please don't be mad at me.
Penny: I can't even believe this. You know, maybe you should just go.
Amy: No, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I take it all back. Look. I'm, uh, I'm sitting in your chair. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a great chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world. Ow!
Penny: What's wrong?
Amy: Something in the chair's biting my tushy. It's not important. Ow!
Penny: Wait. Get up, get up! (She does. Something is moving in the seat cushion. They both run out of the apartment screaming.) Swear you won't tell Sheldon what happened!
Amy (between screams): I swear! Can I tell my doctor? I'm probably gonna need shots!
Penny (also still screaming): Yeah, sure!
Scene: Leonard's bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, hey, babe, I think I figured this thing out.
Priya (on screen): Oh, Leonard, listen...
Leonard: No, you listen. You're my woman, and I'm gonna make you feel things you have never felt before.
Priya: Leonard...
Leonard: That's right, say my name, and beg me for more, 'cause, I'm gonna give it to you.
Priya: My parents are here.
Dr Koothrappali: Hello, Leonard, if I may also say your name.
Scene: The street outside the apartment block.
Howard: Check it out. Free chair.
Raj: Yeah. Hey, you know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, I wouldn't wind up sitting on the floor all the time.
Howard: On three?
Together: Three!
Raj: What kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this?