Barney's Office
Ted from 2030: Kids, as you know, I was designing Goliath National Bank's new headquarters on the site of this old hotel, The Arcadian. Problem was, some people didn't want The Arcadian torn down. Even bigger problem, they were led by my girlfriend Zoey.
(Outside, Zoey and her supporters are protesting)
Crowd: G-N-B is the e-ne-my!
Zoey: (She sees Ted at the window) Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on! Hey, sweetie! Are we still on for dinner at 8:00 at Valenzisi's? That's great! I can't wait!
Crowd: That's great. I can't wait! That's great. I can't wait!
Ted from 2030: But somehow, Zoey and I were making it work.
At the Bar
Barney: Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Roadrunner.
Robin: Or maybe he was. Think about it. The way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? (chuckles) She wants it.
Lily: Isn't it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides of something like this?
Ted: Of course you feel that way, Lily. You and Marshall have basically melded into one big hermaphroditic blob. And that's fine for you guys. But some of us want a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve.
Lily: You guys are in screaming matches all the time.
Ted: Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Growing matches.
Ted from 2030: It was true. Zoey and I loved to challenge each other.
[FLASHBACKS]
(Ted and Zoey are watching the TV)
Ted: The main character is a young spoiled prince thrust into leadership after the death of his father. It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV!
Zoey:Are you kidding me?! It's Don Quixote...the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!
Ted: Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy, we're watching two different movies.
(Later, Ted is on the phone with Zoey)
Ted: No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you hang up! (Later) No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you... (His phone starts beeping) Hold on. (beep) Hello?
Robin: For the love of God, will one of you idiots hang up the phone?
Ted: Why would you do that?!
Zoey:I-I thought you'd like it.
Ted: Who likes that? Zoey:I like it.
Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Ted: Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Lily: Marshall and I have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love, bitch.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Now around this time, Marshall had truly come to hate his job. He hated the paperwork. He hated the coffee. He hated the dirty jokes. He hated everything.
At the Bar
Marshall: I have to quit.
Barney: Quit GNB?! Why?
Marshall: I need to do better things with my life, okay? There's-There's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the National Resources Defense Council. Sure, it pays less, but I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...
Barney: Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? Marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
Barney: Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. (Barney snickers) Say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.
Robin:I don't think you know what Spain is.
Barney: Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira.
Ted: It's dinero.
Barney: Where? I want his autograph!
Ted from 2030: So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit. But then something weird happened. Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork. He didn't hate the coffee. He didn't even hate the dirty jokes. Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB.
Robin: It's graduation goggles.
Marshall: What? Robin:Graduation goggles, like with high school. It's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. But then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again. I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated.
Lily: The guy who was basically a dog? Robin:He was the worst kisser I've ever been with. But the moment I decided to dump him...I suddenly got kind of wistful. (as speaking to a dog): He was a good boy.
Barney: Yeah. I've been there, too. Every time I'm done having s*x with a woman, at first,I never want to see her again. No, that's pretty much it. Robin:The point is, you can't trust graduation goggles. They're just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles, and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone in-his-front-pocket goggles. That one was a bummer.
Marshall: You're right. Tomorrow, I'm quitting GNB.
Barney: No! You can't quit tomorrow! The lady with the big nipples is coming back to give another sexual harassment seminar, and I bribed one of the maintenance guys to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees!
Lily: Baby, more than ever, you have my full support. (Lily and Marshall kisses)
Zoey and Ted are in bed, in Ted's appartment / Lily and Marshall are in bed in their appartment / Barney is in bed with a girl in his appartment
Ted: You know, sometimes I feel bad for Lily and Marshall.
Lily: I'm starting to feel bad for Ted and Zoey.
Barney: It starts with an... "L?"
Girl: How can you not remember my name?
Ted: It's like they never challenge each other. They just automatically agree all the time.
Zoey: Well, they don't do that all the time.
Ted:Yes, they do.
Zoey: No, they don't. Ted:Yes, they do. It's like they... Lily and Marshall:... don't see eye-to-eye on anything! Totally.
Girl: It rhymes with your name.
Barney: And I said my name was...?
At Lily and MArshall's appartment
(Marshall comes in)
Marshall: Baby, I did it! I quit. And then I walked right over to the NRDC, and I took that job.
Lily: Oh, good for you, sweetie.
Marshall: Yeah. It's a little less money than I was expecting. I mean, compared to what I was making at GNB, it's nothing. Actually compared to anything, it's nothing. It's nothing. The paid position just got filled, so all I can do is-is volunteer right now. You're cool with that, right?
Lily: Baby, if this is what you need to do, we'll figure it out. How's Barney handling you leaving?
In Barney's office
(Barney is burning a photo of Marshall; Ted enters)
Ted: Hey, Barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. You want to play "Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"
Barney: It's always the one in the turtleneck, Ted. And no, I don't want to play. Stupid Marshall-... ruined everything.
Ted: Oh, come on. Everything's not ruined.
(A man enters)
Man: Guys, everything's ruined.
Ted: What? Why?
Man: Your girlfriend somehow got the Landmark Preservation Committee to agree to a hearing. If they declare the Arcadian a landmark, the whole project is dead. The good news is, I just got the phone number of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.
(The man leaves the room)
At the Bar
Robin:...so, if the Landmarks Preservation Committee sides with Zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? You must be furious.
Ted: I'm furiously enjoying being challenged.
Lily: Why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little murder-suicidey?
Ted: Why don't you admit that Marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is killing you?
Lily: It's not.
Ted: Lily, the downside to having giant, Japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. And yours are screaming, "What about my trip to Spain, deadbeat?"
Lily: Okay, Ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. And yours is saying, "Oh, Zoey, why can't I be on top just this once?"
Ted: We take turns! Sometimes.
(Marshall comes in)
Marshall: Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey. I just had the best first day at the NRDC.
(Barney starts laughing)
Barney: I'm sorry. Sorry. Something Hershel said at work today.
Robin: Hershel?
Barney: What, don't you guys know Hershel? Didn't I tell you? Oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced Marshall at GNB. He is so awesome and funny and tall... taller than Marshall... and he knows way more laws.
Lily: Well, I'm glad you like your new co-worker.
Barney: There's no Hershel! I was just saying that to make you jealous! Why do you insist we play these games?
Marshall: Barney, I'm not playing...
Barney: Just come back to GNB already!
Marshall: I'm really loving my new job.
Lily: Oh, and I'm loving seeing you this happy.
Marshall: I'm so glad to hear you say that because I volunteered our apartment for a big NRDC fund-raiser tomorrow night. You're-You're cool with that, right?
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
Marshall: Thanks, baby. (phone chirps) Oh. Ooh, I gotta go. The invitations are ready. The party's for a bunch of environmentalists, so I found a guy downtown who makes biodegradable party invitations that can also be used as toilet paper.
(Marshall leaves)
Barney: That's how I'm gonna use mine.
Robin: Why in the world do you care so much whether Marshall works at GNB?
Barney: Care? I don't care. I'm like, whatever. Marshall who? He's stupid. Hershel's way better.
Robin:Okay, Barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto Marshall?
Barney: Oh! Ugh! You are worse than my shrink. "Barney, we have to talk about your father." "Barney, I'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. You'll only use it for evil." "Barney, I am not going to conduct a couples session "between you and this woman. She's obviously a prostitute." I don't need this!
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Ted's appartment
(Lily arrives)
Ted: Ah, Lily Aldrin, half of the world's most perfect couple! I was thinking about that woman's mouth comment, and I have three good comebacks. One: your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her...
Lily: Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor. Would you mind driving out to Kennedy with me to pick up this famous ecologist for Marshall's fund-raiser? Apparently, he only speaks Spanish. And you speak Spanish, right? (Ted says something in spanish) Perfect. Let's go.
At Barney's office
(Barney is on the phone with Marshall)
Barney: Hey, Marshall, it's me. Listen, I know I've been kind of a jerk about your leaving GNB. I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry. No apologies necessary. We're good. Good. Um, hey, any chance you might maybe... I don't know... if you're not busy, uh, want to have lunch today?
Marshall: Oh, buddy, I'd love to, but I can't.
Barney: Oh, that's cool. No biggie. Another time.
Robin: (Robin is standing at the door) Oh, my God!
Barney: How long have you been there?
Robin: You don't remember?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey. I was in the neighborhood. I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed, um, you seemed really upset the other day.
Barney: Oh, no, I'm fine.
Robin: Okay. Well, um, you want to go grab some lunch?
Barney:Sure. Hey, are you okay if I invite Marshall to join us?
Robin: Yeah.
(Barney makes a call to Marshall)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney:Right. So, um... Chinese?
In Ted's car
Ted: You know, just because Zoey and I are a different kind of couple than you and Marshall doesn't make us a worse couple.
Lily: You're right. I-If you and Zoey are happy, then who am I to judge? I'm so sorry.
Ted: Oh, my God, is that how support feels? It's so warm and wonderful. Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy.
Lily: But I thought you liked being challenged.
Ted: Nobody likes being challenged! Couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little, like... like what movie to see or-or what topping to get on our pizza or... oh, I don't know, my lifelong dream of building a skyscraper in New York City?!
Lily: Well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, Ted? What are you, 12?
Ted: You were right, Lily. I mean, Zoey's great, but... sometimes I do wish we were a little more like you and Marshall. There he is. Here we go. (Ted says some incomprehensible things in spanish)
Man: I'm sorry. I don't speak... whatever it is you're speaking.
Ted: Um, he speaks perfect English.
Lily: Yeah, I-I know.
Ted: Then why did you ask me to come?
Lily: So you can drive him to the fund-raiser. Supporting Marshall this much is driving me crazy. I'm going to Spain-- my flight leaves in 45 minutes. Adios, muchacho.
Ted: W-Wait, what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear I'm gonna murder someone!
Ted: What are you gonna tell Marshall, huh? And when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through, and I don't intend to. All I know is that I'm a ticking time bomb, and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: Wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions. U.S.A.! Okay, Lily, I get it.
Lily: Marshall's been asking a lot lately.
Ted: But the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that. And now, ever since his dad died, I-I feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything. But I'm not. I'm not fine that he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser and that he's not thinking about how we're gonna pay any of our bills and that, apparently, we've given up on trying to have kids.
Ted: Lil...
Lily: Look, I'm sorry, Ted, I just, I gotta do this. (Lily leaves)
Man: My bag? Oh, no. I got it.
At the Bar
Barney: There's nothing to talk about.
Robin: You trashed your office today. I mean, you obviously have some deep feelings you're not confronting. And I think they're about your dad.
Barney: I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Robin: Why not?
Barney: Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you? You're the most secretive person I know. You never tell anybody anything.
Robin: I've never... told anyone this before. Um... I was 16. I was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier. As things grew heated... I watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. The sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. My dad and I got our stories straight. We walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. But sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... (quietly): ticking.
Barney: That's... the most harrowing story I've ever heard. Is it true?
Robin: No. But it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts.
Barney: Fine! The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB is... is...the meatball sub.
Robin: Huh?
Barney: It all started months ago in the GNB commissary. It was Meatball Sub Day.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Oh, how I used to love Meatball Sub Day. And then, the most humiliating moment of my life.
Marshall: Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there.
(Marshall and his co-workers start chuckling)
Barney: I plotted my revenge for weeks. But nothing seemed right. Then it hit me. The answer was so elegant and simple-- an exploding meatball sub. For months, I experimented. More... marinara sauce. Finally, the sub was perfected. The plan was in place. The snare was baited. And then...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney:...he quit, Robin, he quit! It's Meatball Sub Day today, which is why I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch. But no. All that work wasted. (quiet sobbing) You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?
Robin: What is wrong with you?
At Marshall's appartment
Marshall: Hey, Professor Rodriguez, thank you so much for coming.
Prof. Rodriguez: Oh, my pleasure. I have to use the restroom. Do you have some extra invitations?
Marshall: Right over there. Enjoy. Hey. Hey, thanks for picking him up.
Ted: Yeah, absolutely. Um, listen, something happened at the airport. Um...
Marshall: What?
Ted: Well, we got there, and, uh, Lily...(sighs) Lily...
(Lily arrives)
Lily: Marshall, hey. Sorry, I, uh, I had to park and-and grab some ice. Sorry.
Marshall: Oh, thanks, babe. You would not believe how much this one has done to help throw this party, Ted. I don't know how she does it. Can't be easy, huh, Lil?
Lily: Yeah. Listen, Marshall, I-I need to talk to you about something.
Marshall: No, you know what? Me, too. Um... I want to thank you for being so supportive of me in all this. I've been at the NRDC for less than a week, and I've already done more to be proud of than in two years at GNB. I can't believe how good it feels. But now, it's time for me to find a way to help the Earth and get paid for it, because I can't put that burden entirely on you. So, starting tomorrow, I'll look for something with a paycheck. What do you think?
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
(Marshall and Lily kiss;Ted notices Zoey at the other end of the room)
Zoey: Ted.
Ted: Hey! What are you doing here?
Zoey: This is really important to Marshall, so I came to show my support.
Ted: This you can be supportive of?!
Zoey: What is that supposed to mean?
Ted: I have the chance to build a skyscraper in the best city on Earth, and who's the one leading the charge to kill that dream? My girlfriend!
Zoey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about my lifelong dream of not seeing every beautiful building in Manhattan bulldozed?
Ted from 2030: And in that moment, I realized, though I really cared about Zoey, I couldn't do this for the next 50 years. I had to break up with her. But then... Kids, some couples always support each other, and some couples always challenge each other, but is one really better than the other? Yes. Support is better. Way better. But I'd have to learn that the hard way.
[Ten years later; at Barney's]
(Barney is in bed, looking very sick, Robin, Ted, MArshall and Lily are here)
Lily: You're too young. This isn't fair.
Marshall: We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're gonna stay here right till the end.
Barney, weakly: Thank you, Marshall. (coughs weakly) Marshall... can I ask one final favor, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, of course, of course... anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub.
Marshall: Wh-Where'd you get a meatball...
Barney: I don't have much time!
Marshall: Okay, yes, yes, of course. Of course. Does this have some sort of special meaning?
(The sandwich explodes, throwing marina sauce all over Marshall; Barney leave his bed)
Barney, with a mean laugh: I'm not sick, you idiots! I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
(Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself)


[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Zachariah: What about Boyd?
Boyd ain't nothing like Bowman.
Zachariah: Yeah, he's a Crowder. That's awful strange talk seeing as you're here working for him.
Ava: My uncle ... you sure he couldn't have made it out of that mine?
Carl: Even if he survived the blast, the rockfall cut him off from the entrance.
Probably got turned around in the dark.
Ava: Zachariah got turned around?
Art: You want some advice? Bring Raylan in. See if you can confirm what your gut is telling you.
Rachel: Is that what you'd do? You'd let it go. Wouldn't risk the case just to save your own ass.
Mike: When I asked you how long you'd been snitching to the marshals, you said, "this time." The other time was about Grady Hale, right?
Duffy: You just figured that out all by yourself, Mikey?
[laughs]
Duffy: Aah!
[handcuffs click]
Mike: Ms. Hale, please call me as soon as you get this.
Boyd: Ripping you off ... that was her idea of payback for you murdering her husband.
I just thought you'd wanna know. Baby?
[gunshot]
[grunts]
Raylan: What did you do?
Ava: I gave you what you always wanted, Raylan ...
Boyd Crowder bleeding at your feet. I'm gonna come after you.
Ava: I know.
Rachel: I know your deputies just got back to Atlanta, but we need as many as you can spare. We've got a new number one. Ava Crowder. Jerry, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Art: [exhales sharply]
[indistinct conversations]
Rachel: How bad is it?
Art: Well... I shaved.
The director called. Tried to tell her that I was the shot caller on this from my sickbed, that I just couldn't let it go, but apparently you'd already talked to her.
Rachel: I'm the one who approved Ava as a C.I. and Raylan as her handler. It's only right I take the hit.
Art: I wish you'd called me first.
Rachel: Am I suspended?
Art: Hell, no. Not gonna sideline one of my best manhunters in the middle of a manhunt. What the hell's the status with Crowder?
Rachel: Nelson's sitting on him at Harlan regional medical until they get the bullet out and we can move him.
Art: Well, you do realize you accomplished something that I was never able to do all these years.
Rachel: Let an untrustworthy C.I. get away with $10 million?
Art: You got Boyd Crowder.
Boyd: Aah! Aah, aah, aah.
Doctor: Irrespective of you being shot, you are what doctors call one lucky son of a bitch.
Yeah, well, I don't feel so lucky at the moment. [groans]
Doctor: Slug splintered on your collarbone. Hair South, your lungs'd be torn to shreds. We got in there, tied things up. It could be worse.
Raylan: You give us a minute, doc?
Doctor: You're not the one shot him, are you?
Raylan: No, I'm the one who got him here.
Boyd: [exhaling deeply] Ain't exactly true, is it? What you told him about bringing me here. Well, I called it in, made sure they knew you were emergent.
Boyd: You handcuffed me to a bumper, you left me there without so much as a fare-thee-well.
Raylan: You could hear the sirens on their way. Must have given you some solace.
Boyd: I don't suppose you've come to tell me you've found her.
Raylan: I found her truck some down the road, abandoned. No sign beyond. Gotta suck, be that close to the prize, have it shot out of your hand. I kinda know how you feel.
Boyd: No, you don't. I don't believe in a world where you know how I feel.
Raylan: I didn't realize disappointment was a domain exclusive unto Boyd Crowder. Well, Raylan, if we're gonna play it that simple, then let's talk about your disappointments. What disappoints you, Raylan Givens? The fact that you weren't the one who got to shoot me? Where is she goin'?
Boyd: Well, you wheel me outta here, I'll take you straight to her. [chuckles] That's funny.
Boyd: Oh, well, it doesn't have to be funny. Come on, Raylan. Me and you, one more ride together. See if we can't find a reasonable solution to our problem. But which is our problem, exactly? The money or Ava?
Boyd: Well, ain't they the same problem, Raylan?
Raylan: Are they to you?
Boyd: I'm gonna get outta here, Raylan.
Raylan: Mm-hmm.
Boyd: Sooner or later, one way or another, I'm gonna get outta here, and when I do, I'm gonna go get that money.
Raylan: Which sets me to thinking, How long you think she's got? Long enough for you to execute your great escape? Get to her before Markham and his boys do? Then I got to wonderin' further what they're gonna do to her if they get there first.
Boyd: Well, maybe she has whatever that is coming.
Raylan: Oh. I see. And you're cool with that? Them dishing out retribution however they see fit?
Boyd: Are you?
Raylan: My, my.
Boyd: You know, Raylan...
Zachariah Randolph.
Raylan: Come again?
Boyd: It's her uncle. I think that's the man you're looking for.
[monitor beeping steadily]
You think he's helping her?
Boyd: Well, if he ain't died down one of those shafts, Raylan, then... I don't believe he has. That'd be my first stop.
Raylan: See you at the arraignment.
Tim: You get anything?
Raylan: Maybe a place to start.
Nelson: Heard she pulled Boyd's gun on you.
Raylan: She did.
Nelson: Man, I did not see that coming.
Raylan: Anything changes here, drop me a line. You ever been down in a mine?
Tim: I've been to Mordor, but not through the mines.
Raylan: Is that a yes or a no?
Tim: No.
[music]
[birds calling]
Zachariah: [grunts]
Ava: Is that it? Way up there?
Zachariah: Yeah!
Ava: I thought you said it was close.
Zachariah: [grunts]
[birds crying and chirping]
Ava: How long's this place been closed?
Zachariah: Oh, eight, nine years. They used it a... a supply station.
Rescue would get the supplies in, trap miners as fast as possible. Regulations being so damn lax, they didn't build this thing till after the '83 collapse.
[both sigh]
You think having closer supplies would have saved my daddy?
Zachariah: God himself couldn't save your daddy on that day. That's why I stopped praying.
Zachariah: [grunting] Yeah, yeah.
[scraping and thudding]
Ava: [coughs]
Zachariah: Get some heat in here.
And I got... this here radio for backup. We'll know they're coming before they do. Give us some time to hightail it outta here, which is exactly what we should be doing, so I'm gonna go over, see if I can get one of those old A.T.V.s running. Pack up these bags, and we be outta here by sundown! Now you do know those old moonshine trails up there, they just roll through those mountains like a...
Ava: Maze?
Zachariah: Yeah, maze. Now this Grubes guy we're going to see ... you sure he knows his way around?
Ava: He knows the trails blindfolded.
But I was thinkin'... Boyd knows Grubes.
Zachariah: Ah.
Ava: If he's alive ...
Zachariah: If he's alive, the marshals got him, and if he ain't... [claps hands] the more, the better.
[title music]
♪ On this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul, god, get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard, fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪
Katherine: Where are you? Damn, I can't hear you.
Mike: I'm in Richmond, close to E.K.U.
Duffy: Give me the phone, Mikey. Let me talk to her.
Katherine: I'll call when I get close. Keep Duffy there.
I just need to get my purse.
[cell phone beeps]
Markham: You know, I can usually smell a rotten bud before it blooms. But your scent, my dear, has always been presidential kush.
... your questions. And all that on my. [sighs]
Markham: Got yourself a new purse.
Katherine: Yeah, before we go down a whole road, I think you might be interested in the phone call I just had, wherein I learned that Wynn Duffy killed Grady.
Markham: I didn't know that little cockroach was still alive.
Katherine: Yeah. Well, I'm just going to change, then.
Markham: How do you know this?
Katherine: His bodyguard called me. Wynn Duffy was a rat 14 years ago, and he's a rat today.
Markham: You know, I knew you'd never leave your home state.
That's why I came back. Nothing else mattered.
You were the prize. But now I wonder if I wasn't just a mark, someone for you to screw.
Katherine: At first, yes, but... seeing you... being with you, - everything came flying back.
Markham: Oh, don't tell me. Love?
Katherine: Well, was it not the same for you?
Markham: Well, I've always loved you, Katherine. I just don't trust you.
Katherine: Well, I accepted your proposal, Avery. Would it be so bad for the two of us to... live together, not trusting each other, just like everybody else in the whole wide world?
Markham: You know, I understand your drive to avenge Grady's death, even when you thought it was me. And I hope when I'm your husband... you'd do the same for me.
Katherine: [sighs] I'm gonna go shower. You wanna join me?
Markham: Nothing I'd love more.
But there's work to be done.
Katherine: Goin' after your 10 million?
Markham: Our 10 million.
You know, I'm gonna make sure Boyd Crowder doesn't see another day.
Katherine: Well, I'm gonna do the same to Wynn Duffy.
Markham: Let me handle Duffy. I'll bring you his head for a wedding present.
Katherine: Goddamn, Avery Markham. I love you.
Markham: Love you, too.
[classical music playing on radio]
Duffy: I never knew you liked classical, Mikey.
Mike: You'd know if you let me pick the music every once in a while.
Duffy: That can change.
A lot can change. You want me to drive sometimes?
You wanna be in charge of the TV? Mikey?
What do you want, Mikey?
Okay, point taken.
You got a code. You're billy jack. I get it, okay?
Can we end this? Mikey? I'll forget what happened and we'll go back to the way things were.
[radio volume increases]
[loudly] Okay, Mikey?! Hey!
Take these goddamn cuffs off, or I'm gonna take that code, and I will shove it up your ass!
[whack]
Uhh!
Mike: This isn't just about some code. You were as close to family as I ever had. I believed in you, Wynn. End of the day, you're a rat. And rats get exterminated, period. And I hate being called "Mikey."
[door squeaks]
[bag thuds]
Loretta: [sighs]
Boon: Seat buckle.
I'm just looking to keep my girl safe.
[squeaks]
Boon: Are you looking for this? [chuckles] Come on.
When I was a kid... can't tell you how many falls your daddy and I had, angry pricks, one and all. Lay three hots and a cot with a side of ass whupping.
I come to rely solely on my own wherewithal at a tender age, not unlike yourself.
I'm hearing tales about all this money you supposedly got, no doubt giving you a sense of confidence. But I can tell you what. Markham's got a lot more.
Loretta: What's your point?
Boon: Do you ever watch the History Channel?
Days of yore, marriages weren't about love... or romance. Those sentiments didn't even factor in. They were about alliances to end wars, making each side stronger against enemies they had in common. You understand?
Loretta: Man, I got no idea what in the hell you're talking about.
Boon: I'm saying, if I'd had a Mr. Markham by my side back then, I'd have jumped on it as fast as a bullet. I wanna offer you an opportunity, tuck in with us. You say yes, we'll always be watching your back.
Loretta: I don't need anybody watching my back ... least of all, you.
Boon: Got fire in your belly. What I adore most, girl. Be careful... lest it burn your brain, so you can't hear good reason.
[music]
[indistinct conversations]
Raylan: You got an escort down the mine shaft?
Willits: He's on the way out now.
Had to roust the owner out of the bed. He ... he was grumpy about it.
Raylan: Well, you can tell him he can give me the what-for as soon as he gets us on a coal cart.
Willits: You think she could have got down that mine shaft on her own?
Tim: We think Ms. Crowder has an accomplice worked his mine most of his life.
Raylan: What's that up there? So I've got the claim more said, Earl's on A.K. we got that armored truck dead on our side.
Earl: Next thing we know, cherries, man, everywhere.
Carl: I'm telling it, Earl. All right? Sorry.
Man: How'd the cops know?
Carl: Figure we got set up.
Earl: By who?
Carl: That Katherine chick and Duffy ... one or both of 'em. It's like that old saying, you know?
Earl: "Crime doesn't pay"?
Carl: God damn it, Earl. No. "Ain't no honor among thieves." Crime does pay. As long as the criminals you're working for don't screw you over all the time.
Birch: Let's go, girls! You're moving to a new cell!
Come on off your fannies!
[cell door clanks]
Not you two. You got a visitor.
Carl: Who?
Birch: [whistles]
Earl: Oh, no.
Oh, hey! Hey, we can't be in here with them! Come on now! This sh1t ain't legal!
Markham: Those cops aren't gonna help you, son. They're new friends of mine.
Carl: I'm gonna tell y'all upfront right now, we ain't going down without a fight.
Boon: Jenny here says you would.
[bars rattle]
And she's had the last word in many such a disagreement.
Markham: Boon. I know Boyd is the brain behind your attempt to rob me.
You and your brother were just pawns.
Carl: We were soldiers.
Markham: No, you were pawns.
He sent you out to attack that armored car while he executed his real plan ... kidnap my fiancée, extort the $10 million that way. He screwed you both.
Earl: You're lying. Boyd wouldn't do that to us. Would he, Carl?
Markham: Ever hear of Judge Zeke Baron?
Earl: I know of Baron's pawn shop. That's Judge Zeke. He owns it. He got an office out back. Buy enough of his junk for double what it cost, he's amenable to signing a release, get you R.O.R.'d.
Earl: What does that have to do with us? It means we're gettin' out of here. Means you're gettin' out of here. What about Earl?
Earl: Yeah. Drop our ... is one man affort, Carl.
Carl: Well, why me? Why not the hat kid? Boyd knows you. Ask him where my money is.
If he knows, put a bullet between his eyes.
If he doesn't know... put a bullet between his eyes anyway.
Carl: What if I tell you Boyd's been good to me, huh? And I don't want your damn job.
Markham: If you refuse, if you fail... or if you run off when you get into the outside world, then... Jenny will blow Earl a kiss.
[taps]
Carl: [sighs]
[music]
[animal chitters in distance]
[birds crying and cawing]
[door creaks]
Tim: Clear.
Willits: Clear.
Tim: Somebody's been here.
Willits: I imagine this place has been put to all sorts of use.
Kids stealing, coming in here to hook up.
Raylan: It's warm in here. You notice that? Like someone had a space heater.
Tim: Drag marks right here by the doorway. $10 million is a lot of weight.
Willits: Maybe spied us, left in a hurry. If so, they ain't far, and they're not moving fast. We need to shift choppers and dogs to this ridge, set the perimenter around this point as ground zero. You got any guys you can spare?
Willits: I can ask. Uh, if so, you wanna ride on one of the helicopters? One of them's got F.L.I.R. Maybe get you a seat if you want.
Raylan: Definitely.
Vasquez: It's beyond bad, chief.
It's career-ending ... mine... and yours.
You were the one that told me to put Raylan in the lead.
Rachel: Why did you call us in here, Vasquez?
Vasquez: Where is he?
Rachel: Where's who?
Art: He's working the fugitive. As the closest deputy to the case, he is the most likely to find her.
Vasquez: Oh, Jesus, Art. Seriously? I mean, really, seriously?
God damn it, what ... what did he, promise you a cut?!
Art: I'm gonna do you the goddamn common courtesy of pretending I didn't hear that sh1t come out of your mouth. He was banging her in the past. He's almost certainly banging her now! His banging her in the past wrecked the criminal case back then! And then here we are again now! History repeating itself. Then he lets her shoot his, uh, whatever-the-hell-you-want- to-call-Boyd. That's convenient. And this marshal, whom we've defended on countless questionable shootings, well, he decides this time, he's gonna holster his piece, and he's just gonna wave goodbye as she drives away.
Art: [sighs]
Vasquez: You take umbrage with me all you want, Chief Deputy Mullen. You give me that look like you wanna choke me right now. But eventually, the both of you are gonna have to come to grips with the reality.
Rachel: And in your version of reality?
Vasquez: Your marshal and his girlfriend have stolen $10 million right out from under our noses.
[sighs]
[telephone ringing in distance]
[helicopter approches]
[cellphone buzzing]
Raylan: [loudly] Givens. I'm about to get on a helicopter.
Art: [sighs]
I need you back in Lexington now.
Raylan: What? What? Hey, I ain't kidding about the helicopter. It's hovering above my head. Why I'm talking so loud.
Art: Let the helicopter go. Let somebody else take a ride. I need you in the office.
Raylan: What'd I do?
Art: That's a long list.
Raylan: I know that tone, Art. I know it too well, as a matter of fact. Just tell me.
Art: Vasquez has voiced a concern.
Raylan: Raised a concern or leveled an accusation?
Art: Look, you know where this is going. You tell me.
Raylan: He thinks I conspired with Ava.
Oh, tell me you ain't entertaining the notion that that is anything other than utter horseshit. [sighs] All I'm saying is you're not giving me a leg to stand on here. I'm having trouble enough defending your actions even absent your and Ava's history.
Raylan: Just let me get on the helicopter, take one pass, see if I can spot 'em. They're close, Art. I'm telling you, I can feel it. They're close.
[helicopter whirring]
Art: All right. You know me so well.
I'm sure you can understand my tone when I say to you let the goddamn helicopter go and get your ass back to Lexington right now.
[whirring continues]
[cell phone beeps]
[starts engine]
[under breath] God damn it.
[music]
[whirring]
Ava: Okay...
[panting]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stiles: Are you Deputy Dunlop?
Nelson: That's me.
Stiles: They say they got a deputy who wants to meet you outside. Givens, I think?
Nelson: I could use a coffee anyway. Keep an eye on him for me for a minute?
Stiles: Oh, yeah, you bet.
Nelson: Thanks. [telephone rings]
Stiles: [whispers] Let's go.
Stiles: All right, now you're gonna have to make this look good, all right?
[door closes]
Stiles: How about you hit me?
Boyd: Carl?
[whack]
Carl. Carl?
Carl: [grunting]
[panting]
That look good enough to you, you son of a bitch?
Boyd: Wha...
Carl: Where's the money, Boyd?
Boyd: Why are you pointing a gun at me? I'm infirm.
Carl: I trusted you. You sold Earl and I out. You set the cops on us.
Boyd: Who sold you that wooden nickel? Son, I had every intention of meeting you ...
Carl: Don't... lie to me, Boyd! Now where's the goddamn money?
Boyd: Carl, I'm sorry. I-I made a bad decision. Trust me, son. And if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it different.
[click]
Carl: Last chance.
Boyd: Hey, hey.
Carl: Where is the money?
Boyd: God damn it, I saved your life down in that mine.
Carl: [breathing heavily]
He's got my brother, Boyd. I ain't got no choice in this.
Boyd: Who's got your brother? Markham?
Carl: [breathes heavily]
Boyd: Well, damn, son, get me outta here.
Let's go get that money. We'll get your brother.
We'll kill that son of a bitch. I'll give you half of everything that I put my hands on. Carl... Carl, I know that we have had a bad run of luck lately, but we can change it right now, god damn it. Contrary to everything that's happened, I care deeply about you and your brother.
$5 million?
[exhales deeply]
Now go get that key, son. Come on. [exhales deeply]
Carl: Yeah.
[siren whoops]
[reverse alert beeping]
[brakes squeal]
[radio chatter]
[clatter]
Give me that jacket.
Boyd: Where's he now?
Carl: Earl is in the jail under guard. Markam bought a couple dirty cops. Do anything for him.
Boyd: Let's go kill that skinny son of a bitch.
Carl: Question is now, how we gonna get you out past the nurses' stand without anybody noticing?
Boyd: [sighs] It shouldn't be too hard with all the chaos.
Carl: What chaos?
[gunshot]
[alarm sounding]
Boyd: We got a shooter on the floor! Everybody clear out!
Woman: Get outta here!
Man: He said shooter! Come on!
[alarm continues sounding, people shouting indistinctly]
[police radio chatter]
Raylan: Where's Nelson?
Tim: Somewhere wishing he wasn't Nelson.
Why didn't he get any backup?
Tim: Everyone's out looking for Ava.
Raylan: Oh, my god.
Tim: The word I got is you're supposed to be headed back to Lexington, face this Vasquez reckoning.
Raylan: Yeah, I was headed back to Lexington. Then I got word Crowder escaped marshals' custody and reframed my priorities somewhat.
Tim: And creepy how excited you seem right now, not that I am questioning your priorities.
Raylan: My priorities are straight.
Tim: Uh-huh. So you're gonna keep cool when I tell you you need to follow Art's orders and head back to Lexington.
Raylan: Give me something here. Point me in the direction, couple hours.
Tim: Oh, so the joke here is that I give you directions back to Lexington, but since you know where that is ...
Raylan: Who is this peckerwood here? Is this Carl?
Jesus Christ, man. Carl.
Tim: I know. It's weird, isn't it? Maybe you should ask him about that when you get back to the office. Raylan; Tim, can we stop pretending there's any version of this conversation that ends with me going to the office?
Tim: If I help you out, you gonna cut me in on that $10 million?
Raylan: [sighs]
[telephone ringing in distance]
Man: # I wanna go back, #
♪ I wanna go up and down ♪ ♪ over all the little trees and passes ♪ ♪ that make up our hometown ♪
Boon: Got word from the hospital.
Markham: What?
♪ it all came crashing down ♪
Boon: Carl's dead. And ...
Markham: And Boyd escaped.
Markham: I told Carl what would happen if he failed in his job.
A deal's a deal. Call our friends at the jail. Get little brother out.
♪ we held each other close so tight ♪ ♪ I wanna go back ♪
[footsteps approach]
Man: Help ya?
Raylan: Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens.
Looking for Earl Lennon. May have him back there awaiting marshal's transfer back to Lexington.
Man: Oh, yeah, sure.
Raylan: Great. Whatever paperwork you, uh...
Man: Just need to, uh...
Raylan: Sure.
[door opens]
Crosley: Can I help you?
Raylan: Hey.
Look at that. Got him all ready for me. Nah, this prisoner's been entrusted to my offices' charge. I mean, what might you think, you can just walk on out of here with him?
Raylan: Uh, this. Not to get all federal on you, but... kinda is what it is.
Crosley: Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to make a call.
Raylan: See? There it is.
Crosley: There what is?
Raylan: You know, it don't bother me much running into a cop from this town that's bent to sh1t.
I grew up around here. Kinda expect it now and then.
What irritates me is when you call 'em on it, and they give you this look like, "how dare you insinuate I'm a piece of sh1t tarnishing my badge?" I see you doing the math, whether you're gonna tolerate the insult. But you should know, one of your co-workers is in the hospital with brain bleed, and this boy's brother's dead, so you might wanna factor them items into the equation before you decide what you're gonna do next.
Crosley: Number one ... I don't like your tone. Number two ... that badge don't mean sh1t. And number three ... this boy's been bonded out fair and square. Matter of fact, I was just about to call the judge.
Raylan: The marshal service have spent a lot of time and effort apprehending a fugitive that's now out on the run, and lives are in danger because of it, so every time you open your mealy mouth to lie, I think of that, and I start picturing how you'd look without any of your goddamn teeth.
Earl: Wait. Did you say my brother's dead?
Raylan: Earl... step away from the dirty cop and come with me, nice and slow. Thank you.
[Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing]
Katherine: Hello, Michael.
Mike: Hello, Ms. Hale.
Katherine: Michael, would you mind giving me a gun until this unfortunate mess is over? You can retreave it later.
How does that sound?
[whispers] Thank you.
[handcuffs clanking]
[sighs]
Wynn... Avery wanted to give me your murderous rat head as a wedding present, but I thought, no, I should do something nice for him, get our marriage started out on the right foot. The things we do for love. [chuckles]
Duffy: You gonna put it in a big, blue Tiffany box like that ring on your finger?
Katherine: You're being awfully flip for someone who's about to die.
Duffy: What do you want me to say, Katherine?
Yes, I ratted out Grady to Simon Poole and, yes, I killed Simon Poole because Simon Poole was gonna rat me out to Grady. The life we chose, huh?
Katherine: Why kill Grady?
Duffy: What do you care? You were schtupping Markham. You think about it, I did you a favor.
Katherine: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you did. But, Wynn... Grady was my husband. He was my partner. And here's how it works. You protect your partner, and you avenge them against people who do them wrong. That is something I strongly believe.
[sighs]
[sniffles]
Front of the head? [click] Or back? Suit yourself.
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We don't have to kill him.
Katherine: Michael.
Mike: Just put the word out he's a rat. Let him fend for himself out there.
Katherine: Move aside.
Mike: Look, I don't like what Duffy did, but he's my boss, and I'd have to avenge him, anybody did him wrong. That's what you just said, right?
Katherine: Oh, for god's sake.
Mike: I mean, I think he's ...
[gunshot]
Aah! [grunting]
Wynn: Michael!
[gunshot]
Jesus Christ!
[gunshot]
Jesus!
[grunting]
Duffy: Aah!
Mike: [grunting]
Katherine: [grunting]
[gunshot]
Mike: Aah!
Duffy: Mikey!
Mike: [grunting] Ohh!
Duffy: Mikey!
[crack]
Katherine: [gasps]
Mike: [panting]
Katherine: [gasps]
Mike: [grunting]
[thud]
Mike: [exhales deeply]
Duffy: [panting]
Mike: [grunting and gasping]
[handcuffs rattle]
Mike: [continues grunting]
Duffy: [gasps]
Mike: [groaning]
Duffy: Mikey. Mikey.
Mike: Will you hold me?
Duffy: Yeah. [crying]
Duffy: [grunting]
[continues grunting]
It's okay. Shh. Shh! [groaning]
Duffy: Shh!
Mike: [gurgling]
Duffy: [exhales deeply]
Duffy: [grunting]
[gasping]
[cell phone beeps]
[dialing cell phone, beep]
[gasps]
[exhales deeply]
[line rings]
[breathing heavily]
[line connects]
Woman: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
Duffy: [breathing heavily]
I'm not sure where to start. [exhales deeply]
[door creaks]
[music]
Raylan: [clicks tongue]
Nice hat. You take that off that dude at the diner?
Boon: That one didn't appeal to me. Smelled like patchouli and scared hipster.
No. I had this one made custom.
And it cost me a pretty penny. Say you like it, though?
Raylan: I do. It may be the only thing I like about you right about now.
Now, get out of my way.
I didn't come here to talk about hats.
Boon: [inhales sharply] This is my favorite part.
Don't you just love this part?
Can hear a goddamn pin drop.
Markham: Boon, let him back.
Boon: Check my balls right now. Be purple, they're so blue.
Raylan: You stay where I can see you.
Markham: [laughs]
Raylan: I'll be brief.
I got a kid in my car who's nervous being this close to the Portal.
Markham: I got no idea what you're talking about.
Raylan: It's all right. Time comes, you and Earl both can tell it to the judge. The song he's singing about how his brother got dead ... enough to put you away for a good stretch. So, to that end, you are gonna leave off chasing after that money ... you, your shit-heel cop army, anybody else you got involved, and you are definitely gonna abandon any thoughts you got of causing harm to the lady stole it.
Markham: You misread my intentions, deputy. I got no cause to engage in that kind of behavior, poison my own well when I'm just starting to feel like I'm... home at last, setting down roots with my lady friend.
Raylan: Your lady friend? She and I have long ... for this county, son. County we grew up in. Screwed your only back then.
Raylan: You don't know.
Markham: Don't know what?
Raylan: Mr. Markham, your lady friend is dead as of a half-hour ago.
Went pretty badly, as I understand it, in the confines of a motor coach belonging to Wynn Duffy.
All this... is on you. As you undertake your grieving, may that guide you, as you contemplate your next move. Gentlemen.
[door opens, closes]
Raylan: Hey, what you doing back there? You fall asleep?
You trying to get me shot?
Raylan: You think they're gonna shoot you? sh1t, maybe I should stand away.
Earl: [huffs] I-I ... Do we have to do this right here?
Raylan: I could haul him in for his threat to you. You know that, right?
Earl: Well, then I got to testify against him?
Raylan: That is how the justice system works, yes.
Earl: Well, the hell with that. That old prick killed my brother. I ain't about to be snitchin' from no witness stand when I could just as easily put a goddamn gun in his mouth later.
Raylan: Hey, dumb-ass.
Earl: What?
Raylan: Talking that way, now I can take you in for the same sh1t.
Earl: Well, so do it then. You're just about a stiff-neck little son of a bitch, ain't you?
Earl: [sniffs] Yeah, I guess so.
Raylan: Yeah. Yeah.
[breathes sharply]
Earl: So what now?
What now? I drop you someplace, call you in as a pick-up for the locals, hope you don't end up in the same jail cell as you were before.
Earl: No, no, wait, wait, now, sh1t. Or I could drop you off similarly, only call in the marshal service, put you in P.C., make sure he don't get anywhere near you. How's testifying sound to you now? Hmm?
[sighs]
He was my brother. He was my only brother.
Raylan: I understand. Take your time.
[inhales]
[sighs]
Earl: You know, you asked me earlier if I ever heard anything about what the plan was?
Raylan: Mm-hmm.
Earl: You know, after, with Boyd and Ava and the money.
Raylan: And?
Earl: Well, I never heard anything about that, but when they were trying to smuggle that Walker dude out, they ... they mentioned two things ... pig sh1t trucks, and Grubes. Somebody named Grubes.
[knock on door]
[music]
Ava: [softly] Come on.
[knock on door]
[sighs, chuckles]
Guess we wait till he comes back.
Zachariah: In this cold? [chuckles] Come on in!
Ava: [sighs]
[door closes]
Zachariah: Damn, what's that stink?
Ava: Oh... [coughs, sighs]
Zachariah: Grubes?
Ava: Oh, no, no, no. No...
[yelling] Nooo!
[music]
[cell phone vibrates, beeps]
Raylan: Givens.
Art: Tell me you're on your way in.
Raylan: Yeah.
You got a locator on the car. You'll find a kid in it I picked up. Used to work for Boyd. Just put him in P.C. and give him some good charges on Markham, we pull his head out of the dead long enough to do it.
Art: Or you could honor the responsibility that comes with wearing that badge and bring him when you come back here right now like you were ordered.
Raylan: No, I'm coming back when I get Boyd or Ava and the money, or all three.
Art: [sighs] Are you sure you want to do this?
Raylan: [sighs] I don't see as I got a choice. Do you? Art, you see where I got a choice?
Art: You got 48 hours, Raylan. That's all I can give you.
Raylan: 48 hours, bullshit. Who you got coming after me? Everybody?
Art: You got too high an opinion of yourself. Of course, you always have. Everybody's out looking for Boyd.
I'll be the one coming after you.
[cell phone beeps]


TERMINUS
BY: STEPHEN GALLAGHER
Part Three
First Air Date: 22 February 1983
Running time: 24:39
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: I'd appreciate some help.
KARI: Is it a machine?
DOCTOR: No. He's wearing radiation armour. Keep him covered.
KARI: My power pack's dead.
DOCTOR: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Let me have your radio.
KARI: It's always the same pattern.
DOCTOR: Well, at least the level's acceptable, for the time being. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Are you in charge?
EIRAK: Be quiet.
NYSSA: Please listen.
EIRAK: Shut the door.
INGA: You'll get nothing out of them. They're not interested.
NYSSA: I've got to make them understand.
INGA: You can't even bribe them. The only thing they care about is Hydromel, the drug that keeps them alive.
NYSSA: What are they going to do with us?
INGA: Supposedly cure us, but I rather think they're going to let us die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: Lazar assessment from tank three, Eirak.
EIRAK: Coloured water. They must think we're fools. They've even reduced the size of the consignment.
SIGURD: Why the cutback?
EIRAK: Maybe our performance is down.
SIGURD: But we process everyone who comes here. Why doesn't the Company send someone to see the conditions we work under?
EIRAK: Maybe they already have. We are slaves. The Company doesn't need to tell us anything.
VALGARD: Intruders. I saw two people down in the stockyard, a man and a girl. They went into the Forbidden Zone.
EIRAK: Lazars?
VALGARD: No. No, they were too fit. And they were armed.
SIGURD: Agents from the Company.
EIRAK: Why didn't you stop them?
VALGARD: I tried.
SIGURD: Why are they in the Forbidden Zone?
EIRAK: The perfect place to hide. We never go there. As the Company has decided to cut back our supply of Hydromel, it is in our own interest to learn why. If the couple in the Forbidden Zone are from the Company, their knowledge is vital.
VALGARD: How do we find them?
EIRAK: Someone must go after them.
VALGARD: Why don't you? You're supposed to be our honoured leader.
EIRAK: I'm needed here.
VALGARD: So you keep telling us, although I sometimes wonder whether we need you at all.
SIGURD: Valgard!
EIRAK: You think you could be better?
VALGARD: Yes.
EIRAK: All right, I'll make you an offer. Bring back the spies and I'll step down in your favour.
VALGARD: I have your word on that?
EIRAK: You have the Vanir as your witness. Think of it as a bet. If you're ambitious enough, you'll accept it.
VALGARD: All right, agreed.
EIRAK: Then go!
SIGURD: He'll die in the Forbidden Zone.
EIRAK: He hates me. He'll succeed.
SIGURD: And you will give him what you say?
EIRAK: Of course.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INGA: There's no way out, just as there's no cure. It's hopeless.
NYSSA: Tell me about the Forbidden Zone.
INGA: You don't give up, do you.
NYSSA: Tell me.
INGA: I only know what I've heard. It's where the radiation's too strong for them, and where we're supposed to be cured.
NYSSA: And what's the Garm?
INGA: You'll find out soon enough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: They're starting to move the Lazars. Tank three.
OLVIR: I'll be down in a moment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: I've just come from the equipment store. I think we have a third intruder.
EIRAK: Excellent. Carry on with those.
EIRAK: It seems Valgard's mission was unnecessary after all. Come on, we'll apprehend this one ourselves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Why do the crew put up with such a radiation leak?
KARI: It could be part of the cure.
DOCTOR: Olvir said there wasn't one. So, why don't they repair it?
KARI: They may not know how to.
DOCTOR: Hmm. Radiation. Fallout. Now that's a thought.
KARI: What?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Just an idea worth pursuing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EIRAK: You. Turn around.
EIRAK: You fool.
SIGURD: But it spoke.
EIRAK: Perhaps you're developing the Lazar disease.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VALGARD: I'm going.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EIRAK: It's hardly touched. Take her first, then.
SIGURD: You.
NYSSA: No. No, wait. Others are worse than me.
EIRAK: The fit ones go first. Take her.
NYSSA: No. No, please. No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: What is it?
KARI: I can hear someone singing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Tegan.
TEGAN: What?
TURLOUGH: If ever you had to kill someone, could you do it? Could you?
TEGAN: No. I don't know. If it was important, to save my friend, to defend myself.
TURLOUGH: But cold-bloodedly?
TEGAN: You're weird, Turlough. What a subject to bring up at a time like this. Come on, let's find the control room.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You are a fool, boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: Who is it?
DOCTOR: Well, he seems happy enough. Let's find out.
KARI: No.
DOCTOR: He's hurt. Hello, I'm the Doctor. Can I help?
BOR: Most kind. Yes. A burden is a, er, something or other. Most kind. Thanks. This way.
BOR: The cold ground. Rest in peace.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Curious. What do you make of this?
TEGAN: It's a map. Like one of those diagrams when they thought the Earth was at the centre of the universe.
TURLOUGH: Hmm. Strange, isn't it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Terminus entrance. At least we know where the radiation comes from.
DOCTOR: Look at the damage. Easy now.
BOR: Thank you. Most kind. Most kind. My name is, er, Bor. I. Haven't we met somewhere before?
DOCTOR: Indeed. I'm the Doctor.
BOR: Short term memory's the first to go.
KARI: He needs a medic.
BOR: Do you know anything about engines?
DOCTOR: A little.
BOR: I tried to pull down the control cables. I picked the wrong ones. Power lines. As I couldn't stop the radiation, I had to try and wall it in. Now things are even worse.
DOCTOR: In what way?
BOR: The whole lot's unstable. Know what would happen if one of those exploded? It'd be more than just a loud bang.
DOCTOR: Chain reaction.
BOR: Nothing in the universe would be safe.
KARI: What?
BOR: Did I tell you? One of the engines has already exploded.
DOCTOR: When?
BOR: No, oh, it was a long time ago. It's all in the computer. That one will go next. I didn't find out why until I followed the control cables.
KARI: Why wasn't Terminus destroyed in the explosion?
BOR: Terminus is protected.
VALGARD: Tell them nothing, Bor. They're Company spies.
BOR: Really? They seemed so friendly.
VALGARD: You forget our last encounter. The power pack is exhausted. I'm taking you back, but not before I've beaten some respect into you.
BOR: My wall!
KARI: Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Let me go. Please, please, let me go.
SIGURD: Don't you want to be cured? This is for your own good.
NYSSA: Please, let me go.
SIGURD: At least, that's what I'm told.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What's that?
DOCTOR: Some sort of signal.
DOCTOR: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: No! What is that thing?
SIGURD: Your cure. The Garm's found Bor.
BOR: Most kind.
SIGURD: Let's get him to Eirak while he can still talk.
OLVIR: Let's see that chain.
NYSSA: No!
OLVIR: It's me, Nyssa.
NYSSA: Quickly! Quick.
OLVIR: I can't, I'm not strong enough.
NYSSA: Olvir!
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What are you looking for now?
DOCTOR: The control lines. The ones Bor said he followed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: There must be a way to recreate the door we entered this ship by. Wait here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: This is a complete waste of time. Bor doesn't know what he's talking about. He's suffering from radiation sickness.
DOCTOR: Yes, you're right about the sickness. I want to find out what he discovered.
KARI: Does it matter?
DOCTOR: I think it could be rather important.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: Bor, can you hear me?
BOR: Sigurd?
SIGURD: Why did you do it? You knew you couldn't survive in the Forbidden Zone.
BOR: Worth a try. The pilot's dead, you know.
SIGURD: Pilot?
BOR: Of Terminus.
SIGURD: What?
BOR: But he's still there. He's going to fire up the engines again and they won't take it and the big bang will happen all over again.
EIRAK: Where's his helmet?
SIGURD: He didn't have it. He's delirious. He needs Hydromel.
EIRAK: There isn't any to spare.
SIGURD: But he's dying.
EIRAK: So why detain him?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have not destroyed the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: I haven't found him yet.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Kill the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: I will, I will. I have a plan.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have nothing.
TURLOUGH: I do! But I need to get back to the TARDIS.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Why?
TURLOUGH: Trust me.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TURLOUGH: How do I recreate the door?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Fail me again
TURLOUGH: I won't, I promise.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Then search for an emergency bypass switch.
TURLOUGH: Where?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have skills. Use them. Look beneath your feet.
TEGAN: What are you doing?
TURLOUGH: Remember when we were underneath the floor? Well, I noticed something familiar. It's only just come to me what it was. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Terminus control.
KARI: Look.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Olvir!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Do you remember Bor saying one of the engines had exploded?
KARI: Did he?
DOCTOR: He was wrong. It didn't come to that. Look at this. Terminus was once capable of time travel.
KARI: So?
DOCTOR: Well, to push a ship of this size through time would require an enormous amount of energy.
KARI: What are you getting at?
DOCTOR: Well, think about what we've learnt. Terminus seems to be at the centre of the universe, yes? Now, imagine this ship in flight. Suddenly the pilot finds he has an enormous amount of unstable fuel on board. What would you do?
KARI: Jettison it.
DOCTOR: Perfectly normal procedure. Unfortunately, he ejects his fuel into a void.
KARI: And it exploded.
DOCTOR: Starting a chain reaction.
KARI: How big?
DOCTOR: Enormous. Biggest explosion of all time. Event One.
KARI: The Big Bang?
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: It isn't possible.
DOCTOR: A chemical reaction in a primeval swamp can create life on a planet. Why couldn't the universe be created by a similar chance factor, hmm?
KARI: But exploding fuel in space? It's almost too simple.
DOCTOR: It only appears simple because the circumstances were exactly right.
KARI: Well, if what you're saying is right, why wasn't Terminus destroyed in the explosion?
DOCTOR: Well, the pilot time-jumped the ship forward before realising how unstable the fuel was. The resulting shockwave must have caught up with him, boosting the ship billions of years into the future.
KARI: Killing the pilot and damaging the second engine.
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: If there was a second explosion, would it have the same effect as the jettisoned fuel?
DOCTOR: Not quite. Whereas the first explosion created the universe, the second would undoubtedly destroy it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: There it is. Emergency bypass. We'll soon have that door open.
TEGAN: Where's the light coming from?
TURLOUGH: It's nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What's happening?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Oh, no.
KARI: What?
DOCTOR: It wasn't the pilot's decision. The computer's just started an automatic sequence to jettison the unstable fuel. If we don't do something quickly, the whole universe will be destroyed.


Spike: Come on Twilight, you can do it!
Twilight: Okay, here goes.
(poof)
Spike: Ha-HA! You did it!
Growing magic. That's number ! Twenty-five different types of tricks and counting. (pleased) And I think this is the best trick so far. (suave) Hello, Rarity. What's that? Aw, it's nothin', just my AWESOME moustache!
(chuckles)
Twilight: Sorry, Romeo. As attractive and enticing as you look, it's just for practice and it's gotta go.
Spike: Wait! (poof, crestfallen) Aw, rats...
(Twilight giggles)
(theme song begins) My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, ah,
(My Little Pony) Twilight: I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony) Until you all shared its magic with me
Rainbow Dash: Big adventure
Pinkie Pie: Tons of fun
Rarity: A beautiful heart
Applejack: Faithful and strong
Fluttershy: Sharing kindness
Twilight: It's an easy feat
All: And magic makes it all complete, yeah (My Little Pony) Do you know, you're all my very best friends
Spike: Twenty-five, Twilight! Twenty-five different kinds of tricks and counting. I thought unicorns were only supposed to have a little magic that matches their special talent.
Twilight: True, for ponies whose talents are for things like cooking or singing or math, but what if a unicorn's special talent IS magic?
Spike: Like you, Twilight! And you know a TON of magic.
Twilight: (embarrassed) Oh, Spike, stop. I'm sure there are lots of ponies right here in Ponyville that know just as much magic as me...
Spike: Are you kiddin'?! I don't think there's another unicorn in all of Equestria with your kind of ability, Twilight.
Snails: (heavy Canadian accent) Gaaaangway! Comin' through!
(Spike grunts)
Spike: Snips...Snails...w-what's going on?!
Snails: Why, haven't you heard?
(Spike yelps, crashes)
There's a new unicorn in town!
Snips: (hyperventilating) Yeah! They say she's got more magical powers than any other unicorn EVER!
Twilight: Really?
Spike: Aw, no way. That honor goes to Twilight here!
Twilight: Where is this unicorn?
Trixie: (amplified) Come one! Come all! (trilling r's) Come and witness the amazing magic of the Grrreat and Powerrrful Trrrrixie!
(ponies ooh and ahh)
(theatrical) Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of pony magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!
(pyrotechnics burst, fanfare plays)
Rarity: (unimpressed) My, my, my! What boasting!
Spike: Come on, no pony's as magical as Twili- (flustered) Twi- Twi- O-oh! (clears throat)
(bashful) Hey, Rarity, I, uh... MOUSTACHE!
Twilight: There's nothing wrong with being talented, is there?
Applejack: Nothin' at all, 'ceptin' when someone goes around showin' it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.
Rarity: Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us.
Rainbow Dash: Especially when ya got me around bein' better than the rest of us. (chuckles) Uh, I mean, (unconvincing) yeah, uh, magic-shmagic! Boo!
Trixie: Well, well, well. It looks like we have some (neighing) neigh [nay] sayers in the audience! Who is so IGNORANT as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie?! Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?!
Rarity: (raspberry) Just WHO does she think she is?
Spike: Yeah! Since we all know that Twilight here is-
Twilight: (whispering) Spike! Shh!
Spike: What? What's wrong?
Twilight: Did you see how they reacted to Trixie? I don't want anyone thinking I'M a showoff!
(drumroll, fanfare, pyrotechnics)
Rainbow Dash: So, "Great and Powerful Trixie," what makes you think you're so awesome, anyway?
Trixie: (self-amused chuckle) Why, only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to VANQUISH! THE DREADED!
URSA MAJOR!
(fanfare, pyrotechnics)
(audience ahhs)
Snips: What?! Snails: No way!
Trixie: When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington [Huffington] had no one to turn to,
(robotic growling) but the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in,
(mechanical growling) and with her awesome magic
(static fizzle) vanquished the Ursa Major and sent it back to its cave
deep within the Everfree Forest!
Snips: Aw, sweet!
Snails: Sa-weet!
Snips: That settles it.
Snails: Trixie really is the most talented, most magical, most awesome unicorn in Ponyville.
Snips: No! In all of Equestria!
Spike: How d'you know?! You didn't see it! And besides, Twi- (zip) Mmf! Mmf!
(haughty chuckle)
(stroking ego) It's true, my enthusiastic little admirer. Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!
(crickets chirping)
Well then, I hereby challenge you, (derisively) Ponyvillians:(boastful) Anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone?
Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine that has EVER LIVED?!
(fanfare, pyrotechnics)
Spike: (unzips mouth, pleads) Ple-e-ease! She's unbearable! You gotta show her! You just gotta! (sobs)
Twilight: (whispering) There's no way I'm gonna use my magic now, Spike! Especially since-
Trixie: Hmm...how about...YOU!
(Twilight gulps nervously)
Trixie: Well, how about it? Hmm?
(condescending) Is there anything YOU can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can't?!
Twilight: (meekly) I...I...
(banjo strumming)
Trixie: Well, little hayseed?
Applejack: That's it! I can't stand for no more o'this!
Spike: You show her, AJ!
Applejack: Can your magical powers do...THIS?!
(spirited country music, rope twirling)
(ponies ooh)
(spirited country music, rope twirling)
(spirited country music)
(chomps, gulps, music ends)
(ponies cheer raucously)
Applejack: Top THAT, missy.
Trixie: (unfazed) Oh ye of little talent.
Watch and be amazed at the magic of Trixie!
(Arabian music)
Applejack: Whoa! (grunts, crashes into ground)
(Arabian music)
(ponies cheer)
Trixie: Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails.
Rainbow Dash: There's no need to go struttin' around and showin' off like that!
Trixie: Oh?
Rainbow Dash: That's MY job!
(rock music)
(windmill grinds)
(rock music)
(repeated thumps)
(rock music)
(rock music)
(rising pitch whoosh)
(rock music)
(whoosh, whoosh, whoosh)
(rock music)
(rising pitch whoosh)
(rock music)
(windmill grinds)
(rock music)
(whoosh, brakes squeal)
(rock music)
(rock music ends)
They don't call me "Rainbow" and "Dash" for nothin'!
(ponies cheer)
Trixie: When Trixie is through, the only thing they'll call you is loser.
(magical humming)
(Rainbow Dash screaming)
(sped up calliope music)
Rainbow Dash: (weakly) I think I'm gonna be...sick...
Trixie: Seems like any pony with a [Rainbow] "dash" of good sense would think twice before tussling with the Great Trixie!
(thunder, Rainbow Dash shrieks)
(ponies laugh, Trixie laughs haughtily)
Spike: What we need is another unicorn to challenge her!
(hinting) Someone with some magic of her own?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah! A unicorn to show THIS unicorn who's boss!
Applejack: A real unicorn-to-unicorn tussle!
Twilight: Uh...
Rarity: Enough. Enough, all of you. I take your hint, but Rarity is above such nonsense. Rainbow Dash and Applejack may behave like ruffians, but Rarity conducts herself with beauty and grace.
Trixie: (mocking) Ooh, what's the matter? (provoking) Afraid you'll get a hair out of place in that rat's nest you call a mane?
Rarity: Oh. It. Is. ON. You may think you're tough with all of your so-called "powers," but there's more to magic than your brutish ways. A unicorn needs to be more than just muscle.
A unicorn needs to have style.
(classical music)
(classical music)
A unicorn is not a unicorn without grace and beauty.
(classical music, audience oohs)
(magical humming)
(classical music)
Spike: Rarity won't let Trixie get the best of her!
(classical music)
She's strong, she's beautiful, she's- (poof)
(classical music)
(ponies gasp and recoil)
Rarity: (panicked) QUICK! I NEED A MIRROR! GET ME A MIRROR!
(squealing) What did she do to my hair?! I know she did something terrible to my hair!
Twilight: (nervously) N-nothing!
Rainbow Dash: (hastily) It's fine!
Applejack: (dazed) It's gorgeous!
Spike: (tactless) It's green. What?
Rarity: (tearing up) No! Green hair! Not green hair! (sobs theatrically) That's an awful, AWFUL color! (sobs)
Pony: Well, I never!
[supposed to be a green-haired female Carrot Top]
Spike: Well, Twilight, I guess it's up to you. Come on, show her what you're made of!
Twilight: (deflecting) What do you mean? I-I'm nothing special...
Spike: Yes you ARE! You're better than her!
Twilight: I'm not better than anyone!
Trixie: Hah! You think you're better than the Great and Powerful Trixie? You think you have MORE magical talent? (provoking) Well, come on. Show Trixie what you've got. Show us all.
Twilight: Who, me? I'm just your run-of-the-mill citizen of Ponyville! No powerful magic here. I, uh, think I hear my laundry calling. Sorry!
Spike: Twilight?
Trixie: Ha! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself to be the most amazing unicorn in all of Equestria! (under breath) Was there ever any doubt?
Snips: Here's the smoothie you asked for! With extra hay! Just how you like it.
Snails: (slow, dull speech) Mm, hay.
(slurping)
Trixie: (annoyed) Yes?
Snips: Oh! Tell us another story, Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snails: Yeah, tell us about how you vanquished the Ursa Major!
Trixie: (derisively) Hmph! TRIXIE is far too exhausted from performing feats beyond imagination.
BEGONE with you until morning.
Snails: Oh, of course, Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snips: Anything you say! We are at your beck and call!
(sighs haughtily)
Spike: What're YOU two doin'?
Snips: Just bringin' the G. and P. T. a-
Spike: ...The what?
Snips: The Great and Powerful Trixie!
Spike: Sheesh.
Snips: Just bringin' her a smoothie!
Spike: How can you fall for her lameness?! She's just a showoff.
Spike: Unlike Twilight, who-
Snips: The Great and Powerful Trixie vanquished an Ursa Major.
Can your "Twilight" claim that?
Spike: Oh, really? Were you guys actually there?
Snips: Well, eh...uh...no, but-
Spike: But nothin'. The proof is in the pudding!
Snails: (slow-witted laughter) I like pudding.
Spike: ...Look, unless an Ursa Major comes waltzing up the street for Trixie to vanquish, I am NOT gonna believe a word she says! And neither should you!
Snips: Hmm! An Ursa walkin' up the street, eh? (a la Brain [Pinky and the Brain]) Snails, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Snails: (a la Pinky) Why is it they call it a flea market when they don't really sell fleas?
Snips: Yeah! Uh... (doubletakes) Oh, uh...come on!
Spike: Twilight, would you put down that book and just listen to me?
Twilight: Didn't you see how they hated Trixie's bragging, Spike? If I go out there and show off my magic, I run the risk of losing them as friends.
Spike: It's not the same thing, Twilight! You'd be using your magic to stand up for your friends!
Twilight: No, Spike! It's exactly the same!
Spike: Come on, Twilight. Any one of these tricks, even the teeniest, would be enough to show up Trixie.
Twilight: I don't wanna be seen as a bragger like Trixie!
(door slams shut)
Spike: (opens door) But you're the BEST!
Twilight: (exasperated sigh) Please, Spike! I said, "No!"
Spike: (sighs) If that's the way you wanna be, fine. (slams door)
(door opens)
(spooky theremin music)
(owl hoots)
(spooky theremin music)
Snips: (apprehensively) Oh, how we gonna find an Ursa Major when I can't even see my own hoof in front of my face?!
Snails: Hold on!
(grunts fiercely)
Snips: Oh! Heh, that's better.
(low growl)
(growling)
(Snails screams)
(Snails and Snips scream)
(Snails and Snips scream, Ursa roars)
(Spike kicking rock)
(melancholy harp music)
(Snips screaming)
Spike: Hey, guys.
(Snails panting) Where ya goin'?
Snips: Can't talk now!
Snails: Got a "MAJOR" problem!
Snips: Yeah! URSA Major, to be exact!
(roar)
Spike: ...Huh?
(paw impacts ground)
(roar)
Snips and Snails: TRIXIIIIE!
Spike: Twilight!
(loud thuds, trees falling)
(Snips and Snails banging on door and clamoring for Trixie)
Trixie: (annoyed) Trixie thought she said the Great and Powerful Trixie did not want to be disturbed!
Snips: (nervous laughter) We-We have a...a tiny problem...
Snails: (flatly) Actually, it's a big one.
Trixie: WHAT is so important that you cannot wait until morning to disturb Trixie?!
(distant roar, thud)
(repeated thuds)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(fierce roar)
(Trixie screams)
(Snips and Snails scream)
(Ursa snarls, crushes cart)
(roar)
Spike: (frantic) Twilight! You've gotta come! Quick!
Twilight: I've already told you, Spike! I don't wanna show up Trixie!
Spike: No! You don't understand! It's-
(roar, thud)
Twilight: (nervously) ...Uh, is that what I think it is?
Spike: [Ursa] Majorly...
Snips: Great and Powerful Trixie! You've got to vanquish the Ursa!
Snails: (oblivious) Yeah! Vanquish so we can watch!
Snips: It took a LOT of trouble to get that thing here!
Trixie: Wait! YOU brought this here?! (gasps) Are you out of your little pony MINDS?!
Snips: But...you're the Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snails: Yeah, remember? You defeated an Ursa Major!
(Ursa roars)
Trixie: (nervously) U-uh, okay...
(gulps) Stand back...
(Arabian music)
(uncertain) Heh! Piece o'cake!
(snap)
Snips: Aw, c'mon, Trixie!
Snails: (very Canadian) Stop goofin' around and vanquish it, eh?
(Trixie gasps, gulps)
(ominous music)
(thunder)
Snails: (flatly) Well. That was a dud.
Snips: Yeah, c'mon! Where's all the cool explosions and smoke and stuff like earlier?! You know!
(Ursa winces)
(Ursa growls)
Trixie: (meekly) Uh-oh.
(roar)
(ponies screaming)
(Ursa roars)
(Ursa roars, ponies gasp fearfully)
(roar, crash)
(ponies panicking)
Twilight: What's going on?!
Snips: (proudly) We brought an Ursa to town!
Twilight: You WHAT?!
Snails: Don't worry! The Great and Powerful Trixie'll vanquish it!
Trixie: (defeated) I can't.
Snips and Snails: What?!
Trixie: Uh, I can't. I never have.
No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better!
Snips and Snails: Made it up?!
(guttural growl)
(roar)
(ponies gasp)
(Twilight gulps)
(Ursa growls, paws impact ground)
(Twilight groans, wind blows)
(lullaby-style music from cattails)
(Ursa growls, subsides)
(lullaby-style music from cattails)
Spike: Nice use of Number !
(rising volume magical chiming)
(metal creaking)
(water flowing)
(magical chiming)
(cows mooing in contented surprise)
Deeper-voiced cow: Call me, don'tcha know?
Spike: ...That's new.
(metallic clank)
(Ursa growling sleepily)
(Twilight grunting heavily)
(Ursa slurping)
(Ursa sucking noisily)
(loud magical humming)
(sucking)
(Twilight grunts exhaustedly)
(ponies cheering)
Spike: Unbelievable!
That was amazing!
Applejack: Heavens to Betsy! We knew you had ability, but not THAT much!
Twilight: I'm sorry! Please, please don't hate me!
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity: Hate you?!
Rarity: Why, whatever do you mean, darling?
Twilight: Well, I know how much you all hated Trixie showing off with her magic tricks, and I just thought-
Rainbow Dash: Whoa, whoa, whoa. MAGIC'S got nothin' to do with it!
Rainbow Dash: Trixie's just a loudmouth.
Rarity: MOST unpleasant.
Applejack: All hat and no cattle.
Twilight: So...you don't mind my magic tricks?
Applejack: Your magic is a part o'who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend.
Rainbow Dash: And after whuppin' that Ursa's hindquarters, we're even prouder!
Twilight: You are?!
Rainbow Dash: Uh-huh!
Applejack and Rarity: Mm-hmm!
Spike: Wow, Twilight! How'd you know what to do with that Ursa Major?!
Twilight: That's what I was doing when you came looking for me! I was so intrigued by Trixie's bragging that I was compelled to do a little reading up on them.
Spike: So, it IS possible to vanquish an Ursa Major all by yourself?
Twilight: That wasn't an Ursa Major. That was a baby. An Ursa MINOR.
Trixie: THAT was just a baby?!
Twilight: And it wasn't rampaging. It was just cranky because SOMEone woke it up.
(Snips and Snails groan bashfully)
Spike: Well...if that was an Ursa Minor, then... (fearfully) what's an Ursa MAJOR like?!
(Ursa Minor growls contentedly)
Twilight: ...You don't wanna know.
Trixie: (haughtily) Hah! You may have vanquished an Ursa MINOR, but you will never have the amazing, show-stopping ability
of the Great and Powerful Trixie!
(poof, hooves clop into distance)
Rainbow Dash: Why, that little...!
Twilight: Just let her go.
Maybe someday she'll learn her lesson. Now...About you two.
Snips: Uh, (nervous chuckle) we're sorry that we woke up the Ursa Minor...
Snails: We just wanted to see some AWESOME MAGIC!
Snips: Yeah! And the way you vanquished that Ursa Minor was...AWESOME!
Snails: We deserve whatever punishment you give us.
Twilight: For starters, you can clean up this mess. And... What do you think, Spike? Should I give them... (ominously) Number ?
Spike: Ohhh, Twenty-five, yes! And I think I deserve it, too.
Snips and Snails: Huh?!
Twilight: I think you're right.
(humming)
(three pops)
Snips, Snails, Spike: Sweeeet!
Twilight: (voice-over) "Dear Princess Celestia,
I have learned a very valuable lesson about friendship. I was so afraid of being thought of as a show-off that I was hiding a part of who I am. My friends helped me realize that it's okay to be proud of your talents, and there are times when it's appropriate to show them off... especially when you're standing up for your friends."
Spike: So, you finally admit that you're the most talented unicorn in all of Ponyville?
Twilight: Well...yeah. But it's nothing to brag about. But it's nothing to brag about. So, uh, how did it go with Rarity?
Spike: (sighs) She didn't go for the moustache.
Twilight: You know, Spike, that moustache has nothing to do with who you really are. Maybe you should just try being yourself!
Spike: Or...maybe the moustache wasn't enough! Maybe if I had a moustache AND a beard!
Twilight: Oh, not THIS again...
Spike: Okay, imagine me with a nice, long Fu Manchu type beard. Or maybe a goatee. Or, no... (ending theme begins) My Little Pony My Little Pony
(instrumental)
My Little Pony, friends