[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.
Nurse: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.
Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?
Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
Nurse: Well...
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Ross: It's all right.
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay...
Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!
(Monica and Chandler come running in.)
Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!
(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.
Chandler: That's right.
(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.
Monica: Oh man! I did it again!
Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!
Joey: I gotta get the before shot!
(She shakes her head no.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your v*g1n*!
Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.
Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.
Phoebe: All right--Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!
Chandler: Oh no.
Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)
Chandler: Hey! You okay?
Joey: Ooh, something hurts!
Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!
Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.
(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)
Ross: Hello.
Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)
Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?
Monica: That's what it sounded like.
Chandler: All right...
Frank: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?
Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?
Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.
Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.
Frank: Yeah.
[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]
Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh my!
Rachel: They're male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.
Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?
Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.
Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.
Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?
Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.
Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O...
Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad...
[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]
Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies... (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either--Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.
Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?
Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.
Chandler: Really? Male nurses?
Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.
Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?
Joey: I think Saturday--(groans in pain again).
Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?
Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.
Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!
Phoebe: Hey.
Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.
Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?
Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
Chandler: All right.
(Dr. Harad exits.)
Frank: It's not that weird, is it?
Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo!
Ross: To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie...
Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!
Ross: Again, it's not that he...
(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)
[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]
Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!
Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.
Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.
Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.
Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!
Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]
Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.
Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?
Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.
Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to...
Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!
(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!
[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]
Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.
Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?
Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.
Joey: Or?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!
[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.
Phoebe: They are. Why?
Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
Phoebe: Happy birthday!
Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)
Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: I know, it is.
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!
Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!
Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?
Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.
Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!
Rachel: Me?!
Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!
Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!!
Phoebe: You're right.
(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)
Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.
[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?
Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.
Monica: Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra...
Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option--what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]
Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?
Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.
Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.
Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.
Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.
(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)
Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.
Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.
Rachel: Yeah, but umm... Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?
Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?
Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.
Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?
Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.
(A male nurse enters.)
Male Nurse: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Male Nurse: Rachel.
Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.
Dan: Nice to meet you.
Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!
Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?
Monica: Chandler!
Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
Chandler: Oh.
Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.
Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?
Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
Monica: Oh, great!
Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?
Delivery Room Nurse: No.
Chandler: All right. Very good.
Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!
[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]
Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!
Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.
(Joey starts breathing hard)
Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)
Ross: I do too! I do too!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]
Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!
Rachel: Oh, honey, don't worry. She's gonna make it on time.
Frank: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?
Frank: (laughs) Not to me.
Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.
[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.
(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)
Monica: Bye Dan!
Dan: Uh, bye Monica.
Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.
(Everyone except Frank leaves.)
Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.
Phoebe: What is that?
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.
[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]
Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)
[Cut to the delivery room.]
Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!
Dan: I see the head.
Frank: Yes, it has a head!
Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!
Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.
Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.
[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]
Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!
Chandler: Yes!
Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!
Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?
Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]
Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?
Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.
Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!
(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]
Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!
Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!
(They both stare at the newborn.)
Frank: Hey, where's his thing?
[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]
Frank: Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.
Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!
Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!
Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
Alice: We have our babies?
Frank: Yeah.
Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.
(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)
[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]
Joey: Oh my God.
Ross: You did it, man.
Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)
Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)
[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]
Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.
Monica: Great!
(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing s*x and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right!
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]
Monica: I think you're my favorite.
Phoebe: Which one do you have?
Monica: I don't care.
Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.
Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know...
Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.
Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.
All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.
(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)
Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]
Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?
Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.
Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.


PARADISE TOWERS
PART FOUR
Run time: 24:21
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. EXT. PARADISE TOWERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(An exterior view of the Towers, high up in the sky. The glass walls and windows of the Towers reflect the fluffy white clouds hanging in the sky.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. INT. THE BASEMENT
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Cleaner pushes the Chief Caretaker towards his "pet" represented by the neon lights through the "No Entry" door.)
VOICE: You have no choice. I am Kroagnon, the Great Architect, and I will put an end to you and everyone in Paradise Towers.
(The Chief is pushed forward by the Cleaner and into a machine. An opaque cylinder begins to descend on him and obscures him from view. As it does so, he lets out a loud scream. The Doctor and the Kangs come out from their hiding place and watch this happen.)
BIN LINER: Ware Cleaners!
THE DOCTOR: Back to the lift.
(Fire Escape is hesitant, thinking she can use her weapon on a Kang, but the Doctor gestures for them to run.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Wait, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Back!
(Fire Escape fires her weapon, hitting a Cleaner, but it has no effect on it. Taken off guard, another Cleaner appears. With its claw it grabs the Doctor by the throat and proceeds to strangle him.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Doctor! Now.
(She fires her weapon and the arrow hits the Cleaner, causing a malfunction, and thus it loses its grip on the Doctor. The Doctor and the Kangs quickly run for the exit door and it closes, placing a barrier between them and the Cleaners. Back in Kroagnon's lair, the large opaque cylinder rises, revealing what used to be the Chief Caretaker. His skin now has a silvery sheen and his clothing looks clean and shiny. Kroagnon now inhabits the Chief's body. He steps out from the machinery and moves to address the Cleaners who gather around him.)
KROAGNON: Attention all Robotic Cleaners. Attention all Robotic Cleaners. At last Kroagnon can leave the basement prison they trapped his bodiless brain in and return in this borrowed body to the corridors and lifts of his own creation. They buried me away because I wanted to stop them using the Towers. And now you and I will destroy them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor and the mixture of Kangs race down the street. The Doctor is clearly out of breath lagging behind.)
THE DOCTOR: Just a moment, please stop! Please! The immediate danger's over. And I wouldn't mind getting my breath back.
(The Doctor sits down on an old crate at the side of the corridor. The three Kangs - Drinking Fountain (Blue Kang Leader), Fire Escape (Red Kang Leader) and Bin Liner (Red Kang) - kneel down beside him. A fourth Red Kang stands guard at the end of the corridor.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: The Doctor really is ice hot.
THE DOCTOR: Very hot!
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Not a yawny Oldster.
THE DOCTOR: Now, you understand the dangerous position we're in. We must gather all the Kangs together.
FIRE ESCAPE: And is the Chief Caretaker really unalive?
THE DOCTOR: As himself, yes. But you saw what happened. Up till now Kroagnon's simply been a mind without a body, as your parents must have left him. However, I fear he may have spent his time down there devising a way of performing Corpoelectroscopy - a way of transplanting his brilliant brain to some host body.
BIN LINER: And what's the come out, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I can't be certain. But Kroagnon won't want to stay locked up in his basement much longer. He's bound to show himself in one form or another.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Pex is sitting at the side of the pool whilst Mel bobs around in the water, enjoying herself.)
MEL: Oh, the water's really lovely. You really ought to come and join me, Pex. It'll do you the world of good. There's really nothing to be frightened of.
(Mel fails to see the Yellow Robotic Crab-like Pool Cleaner as it comes up behind her. It grabs hold of her and she lets out a scream. Pex is alerted and jumps to his feet, uncertain of what to do.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. INT. RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The hideout is bustling with activity. The Doctor rests against a large blue barrel. The Red and Blue Kangs are present.)
THE DOCTOR: It's taking over the building floor by floor.
(Bin Liner is on the Talky phone.)
BIN LINER: Return to Red Kang Base and Ware Cleaners! Build High for Happiness.
(She replaces the receiver onto it's position on the Drinking Machine.)
THE DOCTOR: Is Fire Escape going to join us?
(Bin Liner nods.)
THE DOCTOR: Are all the Kangs here? Red? Blue?
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Yes. Except for those...
THE DOCTOR: Those who've been made unalive. Yes. Well, when Fire Escape gets here we must all make for the Great Pool in the Sky.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Yellow Pool Cleaner is attempting to drag Mel under the water. Her head goes under a few times but she struggles to remain above the surface of the water. Pex runs around the side of the pool in a state of confusion and panic.)
MEL: Pex, do something!
PEX: But what should I do?
MEL: Anything!
(The Cleaner bobs up and down in the water threatening Mel with its claws and mechanical tendrils that are wrapped around Mel's body.)
PEX: Help! Help!
MEL: Can't you think of anything else?
(Again the Cleaner pulls Mel beneath to the surface of the water. When she struggles back up again, she makes a lunge in the direction of Pex, reaching for his gun.)
MEL: Quick. Give me that!
(She takes the gun from Pex and splashes her way out of the pool as the Cleaner advances after her. She turns and fires directly at it causing an explosion. The Cleaner buzzes and crackle and sinks to the bottom of the pool. Mel stands panting on the edge of the pool with Pex.)
PEX: Mel, I did warn you.
(Mel turns to look at Pex in frustrated disbelief.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker stands in front of the bank of monitor screens as he addresses his fellow caretakers.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Attention all Caretakers. Regulation ZZZ is now in operation. This overrides all other rules and regulations. I repeat, this overrides all other rules and regulations. All Caretakers to act with extreme caution and get back here as fast as they can.
(The monitor screens display various Caretakers running down the corridors in response to his instructions.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mel and Pex are sitting on a lounger at the side of the pool. Mel has dried off and put her clothes back on. Pex looks very glum.)
MEL: Pex.
PEX: What?
MEL: I'm sorry.
(She is distracted by a sound coming from the other end of the pool - behind a curtain.)
MEL: What's that?
PEX: Where?
MEL: Well there's a rustling sound coming from over there.
PEX: I only checked it a few minutes ago.
MEL: Shall I go?
PEX: If you want.
(Taking a deep breath, Mel puts her towel aside and walks as nonchalantly as possible towards the curtained-off area. Pex cautiously follows her, getting his gun out just in case. She pulls aside the curtains to see nothing there.)
PEX: Nothing there?
MEL: No.
PEX: Sure?
MEL: Of course. See for yourself.
(Suddenly the Doctor bursts through the curtain, startling both Pex and Mel. Mel gasps but is then relieved.)
MEL: Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry to give you such a shock, Mel, but this is where the Cleaner service lift appears to come out.
MEL: Oh, Doctor, it's so good to see you!
THE DOCTOR: And you, Mel, and you!
(The Doctor and Mel hug. The Doctor notices Pex and reaches out his hand and doffs his hat.)
THE DOCTOR: Um, how d'you do?
MEL: This is Pex.
THE DOCTOR: Ah. I believe you've met my friends before.
(The Doctor steps back and pulls the curtain back to reveal the Kangs. Pex takes up a defensive stance and eyes them suspiciously.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Smoke starts to fill the corridor. A Caretaker appears at the end of it, clutching his throat and coughing. He falls to the ground dead. Kroagnon, inhabiting the Chief Caretaker's body, walks awkwardly down the corridor followed by a Cleaner that belches out smoke.)
KROAGNON: Search hard, My Cleaners, search hard. Bring them all out! All the nasty human beings! The Caretakers! The Residents! The Kangs! All of them! We'll be back to collect the rubbish later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Kangs are sitting in a united group along the side of the pool with Pex alone at the end. The Doctor and Mel are pacing up and down at the head of the pool.)
MEL: Imagine building this beautiful pool and filling it with mechanical killers.
THE DOCTOR: The rest of the Towers would have been like this pool if he'd had his way. A killer in every corner.
MEL: And you're sure Kroagnon's been let loose again?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, very much so. But we know so little about his plans. He had years to brood over what he wants to do. But we've no time to come up with a counter plan.
(Fire Escape moves over to Pex to taunt him, with the other seated Red and Blue Kangs willing her on.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Did Mel make the creature unalive for you?
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: And stop you being taken to the cleaners?
(Pex nods his head shamefully.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Then Mel is a Kang after all.
(They all look around at the Doctor and Mel conversing at the other end of the Pool.)
PEX: I'll show you all. I will put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.
BIN LINER: Oh, yes?
PEX: Yes!
FIRE ESCAPE: You're a cowardly cutlet, Pex. You will always hide, always.
(All the Kangs laugh at Pex. Mel and the Doctor watch the unruly group.)
MEL: They shouldn't treat him like that.
THE DOCTOR: That's Paradise Towers in a nutshell, I'm afraid. The Red Kangs didn't trust the Blue Kangs. And none of them trusted the Caretakers. And the Rezzies, from your account, prey on whoever they can and trust no one either. And all of them despise poor old Pex. Oh, the Great Architect must be delighted. How are we going to unite the people of Paradise Towers to defeat him?
MEL: We'll find a way. We have to.
(The Doctor looks despairingly at Mel. All through their conversation, the Kang chants of "He's a Cowardly Cutlet" have been building, directed at Pex. Unable to take anymore, Pex storms off in the direction of the way out. He walks past the Doctor and Mel. She goes to follow him.)
MEL: Pex, don't go. Pex!
(All of those gathered around the pool are stunned into silence and stillness at the unexpected arrival of three Rezzies, lead by Maddy. She steps timidly forward to address them all.)
MADDY: I... that is we... we the Rezzies... the remaining Rezzies that is, want to talk to you all. I think we may need your help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker sits alone, solemnly staring at the floor. The main door to the room opens with a hum and what the Deputy thinks is the Chief walks in - Kroagnon. The Deputy jumps up looking pleased.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, Chiefy, I thought you were lost. I...
(He stops as he sees two Cleaners through the doorway behind the Chief (Kroagnon). He notices the Chief's slightly odd appearance - he has a silvery sheen to his face and clothing. He starts to advance awkwardly towards the Deputy.)
KROAGNON: The Towers have become appallingly dirty.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Sorry?
KROAGNON: The whole place is polluted with flesh, living flesh.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Flesh? Did you say living flesh?
KROAGNON: Yes.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: But Chief, you...
KROAGNON: Deputy, may I remind you that there is a rulebook and the rulebook says that the orders of the Chief Caretaker are never to be questioned.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, yes. Of course, of course, Chief. Unless...
KROAGNON: Unless...?
(Kroagnon starts to advance menacingly towards the Deputy, who starts to back away in the direction of the door.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, I think you may recall that there are certain cases specified when the rulebook can be overridden, and that is when the Chief Caretaker...
KROAGNON: Yes...?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: ...just isn't the Chief Caretaker.
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker turns around and runs out of the door. He leaps over the Cleaners that are in the way and races down the corridor. Kroagnon goes to the door and addresses the Cleaners.)
KROAGNON: Leave him. Leave him. We'll clean him up when we clean up all the others.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor, Mel, Pex, the Red Kangs and the Blue Kangs are all gathered around to hear the information provided by the Rezzies who are seated on a sofa.)
MADDY: The Cleaners have reached about floor 115 now. All the Rezzies, that can, have moved up to the higher floors, but not everyone was quick enough.
(The Doctor points to the map on the table in the centre of everyone so that they can all see how high the Cleaners have reached.)
THE DOCTOR: And you're sure that person ordering the Cleaners to do this looks like the Chief Caretaker?
(Maddy simply nods.)
BIN LINER: But he's unalive, Doctor. We saw it.
THE DOCTOR: Exactly. So the Great Architect has taken over his body.
(Fire Escape leans forward to cast accusations.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Why should we believe her? Rezzies are full of untruth and Kangs. Rotten old rubber neck...
THE DOCTOR: Please, please, be quiet. Be quiet.
(He hushes the Kang grumblings and reassures Maddy to continue as she consults, in hushed tones, with her fellow Rezzies.)
MADDY: Of course, I know that we residents have not always been as neighbourly as we might have been. But some have been worse than others. And the worst have gone... down the waste disposal chute.
(The Doctor looks disapprovingly at this. Mel and Pex exchange looks, remembering the event described.)
MADDY: But those of us who are left want to let bygones be bygones. We're all in danger now and well, we're very sorry for what we did and we won't do it again. If we all survive that is. We need each other's help.
THE DOCTOR: Well, you Kangs, what d'you say to that?
(Drinking Fountain and another Blue Kang and Fire Escape and Bin Liner, representing the Red Kangs, get into a secret huddle to discuss, whilst the others wait. The huddle breaks up and they address the group.)
BIN LINER: I won't say Rezzies are Ice Hot but yes she's not telling untruths. And yes, we'll help each other.
THE DOCTOR: All agreed? Pex?
FIRE ESCAPE: Don't ask him. He's a cowardly cutlet.
THE DOCTOR: Fire Escape!! Pex?
(Pex waits for silence and grimly nods his head.)
FIRE ESCAPE: We work with Rezzies - no to-do. We work with Pex - no to-do. But the Caretakers?
(All the Kangs get to their feet to proclaim as one voice.)
KANGS: Never, ever!!!
(Suddenly they have to spin around as they are interrupted by the subtle coughing of the Deputy Chief Caretaker who stands behind them.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Excuse me. I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I wondered if I might have a word with you all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Kroagnon stands at a transparent map of Paradise Towers and, with a highlighting marker pen, he marks the last floor that Cleaners have reached.)
KROAGNON: 170. All the messy creatures will be moving up to the swimming pool zone on floor 304. Luckily they won't have time to make it too untidy before I destroy them. I have nothing to fear. Nobody knows my Paradise Towers better than I do.
(He sits down at the desk and watches blankly at the monitor screens displaying the Cleaners busily going about their killer sprees.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Everyone stands ready, awaiting the planning process. The Doctor checks his watch and pockets it again.)
THE DOCTOR: We have very little time, so we must think clearly. Now Kroagnon, as we now must call the Chief Caretaker, is firmly installed in your headquarters. Am I right, Deputy Chief?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: So we must find a way of getting him out again.
BIN LINER: Set a trap for him!
THE DOCTOR: Precisely.
MADDY: We used to do that a lot with the rats.
MEL: But what about the Cleaners?
THE DOCTOR: First, we must immobilise as many as we can.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: I know it's against the rulebook to say this, but I suppose these are exceptional circumstances.
THE DOCTOR: They could be described thus, yes.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, on the 245 Sodium Street, Corridor 75, there's a secret emergency supply kept for pest going out of control.
MEL: An emergency supply of what?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Explosives.
MEL: That'll do it.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice Hot!
BIN LINER: With explosives and arrogance we can blow out the Cleaners, no problem.
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Send the Cleaners to the Cleaners.
ALL: Yes!!
(They all laugh.)
MADDY: Most of the Rezzies make table cloths. We could throw them over the Cleaners to slow them down for you to shoot.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice Hot, Maddy!
THE DOCTOR: (to Mel) We seem to be getting somewhere at last.
(Everyone seems jubilant at there ideas, there is lots of merriment and clapping.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Kroagnon continues to make his marks on the transparent map.)
KROAGNON: 163. Time to see what the human garbage is up to in the swimming pool zone.
(He moves to the desk and activates a control. One monitor screen goes blank and the computer voice speaks out.)
COMPUTER VOICE: By express order of the Great Architect, surveillance of the swimming pool is not allowed. Not allowed.
(Kroagnon growls with anger.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The inhabitants of Paradise Towers in the swimming pool area are so overjoyed at their ideas they forget the urgency of the situation and need the Doctor to calm things.)
THE DOCTOR: Please! Please! We must move on to the main problem.
(As silence is regained, the Doctor starts to wander around the pool to ponder. Bin Liner and Fire Escape follow him.)
THE DOCTOR: How to persuade Kroagnon to leave his safety and come to a place of our choosing where we can trap and defeat him.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: He'll never leave there until we're all wiped out. We'll never manage to break. I should know that.
THE DOCTOR: Well there is a way that might just work.
FIRE ESCAPE: What's that, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Well you see, Kroagnon is undoubtedly a very clever and very proud being, and like many clever and proud beings likes to be appreciated by his equals. Now, I think if he had the chance to meet such a person, he would leave his lair to do so.
MEL: Doctor, you're not going to go and...
THE DOCTOR: I've no choice, Mel. I mean, in all honesty, I am the only obvious candidate.
MEL: You'll go out there and show yourself and be killed.
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. That would be extremely futile. I will allow myself to be seen, and then somebody will go to Kroagnon and offer to lead him to me - right into our little trap. Now that person has a far more difficult and dangerous mission than I.
(Everyone looks around awkwardly and goes silent until one person speaks out.)
PEX: I will go to Kroagnon. I am Pex and I am the...
FIRE ESCAPE: A Cowardly Cutlet.
(All the Kangs laugh raucously. Pex is hurt but Mel looks on encouragingly.)
PEX: Well you all have tasks to do. Caretakers, Residents, Kangs, why should only Pex be left out. Pex the trained fighting machine. Pex the only...
BIN LINER: The scaredy cat.
(Again their riotous laughter silences Pex.)
MEL: Pex, are you sure you want to do this?
PEX: Yes, I am.
THE DOCTOR: So be it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The monitor screen continues to display the Cleaners going about their task of destruction. Kroagnon looks at his map but is interrupted by a bing from the control desk. Suddenly a screen comes to life and shows the Doctor's face. Kroagnon walks towards it.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello, there, Kroagnon. This is the Doctor speaking. I don't believe we've met, though no doubt you've heard of me.
(Kroagnon just growls at the arrogance.)
THE DOCTOR: I thought so. Anyway, I'd heard so much about Paradise Towers I thought I'd come and take a look and, believe me, I'm very disappointed. It displays exactly what everyone says is your usual failure as an architect - not making allowances for people. Still, I'm sure if we managed to work together, we might just about make this place habitable. I've a few ideas which I might give to you if you can be bothered to listen. Bye for now.
(The Doctor's screen goes black and Kroagnon again growls with anger.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(A Cleaner moves into yet another corridor to gas yet more unfortunates. Maddy appears from one of the flats to address it. Behind Maddy are two other residents. It stops in its tracks to hear here speak.)
MADDY: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, but I think you missed some rubbish in the street back there.
(The Cleaner starts to turn around to return to the previous corridor.)
MADDY: Charge!!
(When its back is turned, Maddy ducks down and the two other residents rush forward and throw a table cloth over the Cleaner's eyes, blocking its vision. They then run off, and Drinking Fountain appears in another doorway and aims a bolt from her weapon, hitting the Cleaner. The Cleaner explodes and then falls silent.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(As the Kangs busy themselves gathering together essential pieces of equipment and setting up the explosive around the room, the Doctor and Mel are talking with Pex to prepare him.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, are you clear what you have to do, Pex?
MEL: And you are sure you want to go through with it?
PEX: I won't be unbrave again.
THE DOCTOR: Remember, Pex, you must get him out of the CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS as quick as you can so that he doesn't see what's happening to the Cleaner. But then, once he's out, take as long as you can. We need time, no heroics, just a cool clear head.
PEX: I can manage.
THE DOCTOR: Good luck, Pex.
(The Doctor shakes his hand and then walks off leaving Pex with Mel.)
MEL: I've been asked to give you this, Pex. It's a Kang bracelet. They wanted to give it to you. They think you're not a scaredy cat any longer but a real Kang. Good luck, Pex.
(She places the bracelet on his wrist and then kisses his cheek. He looks embarrassed. He gives Mel his gun.)
PEX: You take this, Mel. Can't use it this time.
(Fire Escape, Bin Liner and Mel watch Pex earnestly leave. Bin Liner hands him a stick of explosives.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Another cleaner moves smoothly into the corridor but is confronted by Drinking Fountain and her weapon. She fires and yet another Cleaner is dispatched. Residents, Caretakers and Kangs join her as she celebrates its immobilising.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Come on, on to the next one.
(They all move off, following here from the corridor, leaving the smoking remains of the Cleaner.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Pex is displayed on one of the monitor screens as he boldly addresses Kroagnon.)
KROAGNON: So you say you could lead me to this so-called Doctor who dares to mock me?
PEX: Yes, he and the other... mobile rubbish have found a place to hide that they think you don't know about. And they're there planning ways of resistance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KROAGNON: If you deliver me this Doctor, I'll give you a safe way out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mel descends the stairs into the room and goes to see the Doctor. Other Kangs are busying around with the explosives.)
MEL: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
MEL: The door's nearly back in place anyway but they're having trouble with the fortamoliscope (sic) opening device.
THE DOCTOR: I better give them a hand. See what you can do to help the Kangs down there. Oh, and Mel, don't forget to leave the escape hatch uncovered so that I can make my exit.
(He makes his way to the main entrance door and passes Bin Liner by its side.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh I just hope that Pex doesn't lose his nerve and hurry. Otherwise it won't be Kroagnon who's caught in a booby trap, it'll be us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. INT. THE SQUARE
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Various Kangs are splattered around the square, out of sight from the approaching Pex and Kroagnon. Two Cleaners follow them.)
KROAGNON: This is not some trick is it?
PEX: No! No!
KROAGNON: I've only just began to enjoy walking around my marvellous Towers in this body and I wouldn't deal very kindly with anybody who was stupid enough to lay a trap for me.
(They stop just inside the square. Pex looks anxiously aside. Kroagnon taps Pex on the shoulder and startles him.)
KROAGNON: Not frightened, are you?
PEX: I... I think we ought to hurry, Great Architect. Please, let's hurry.
KROAGNON: As you wish.
(Pex walks off. Kroagnon goes to follow him but senses something around him. He turns but sees nothing behind him except for the TARDIS sitting in the corner covered in wallscrawl. He walks onwards, still awkwardly as he cannot quite handle the control of the Chief's body. The two Cleaners follow smoothly after him. When they have gone, the Kangs on the walkway above come from hiding and await a signal from below. A Kang appears and tells them to move on. They leave the square. Drinking Fountain goes to the talky phone in the square and contacts the others.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: They're on their way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Bin Liner replaces the receiver at her end after talking with Drinking Fountain. She is with Mel.)
MEL: What's happening?
BIN LINER: They're making all speed here.
MEL: What!?!
BIN LINER: Pex has been a scaredy cat. They'll be here in no time.
THE DOCTOR: I must tell the Doctor.
(Mel runs for the door but Bin Liner stops her before she steps on the tripwires.)
BIN LINER: Danger! Tripwires. This way.
(Bin Liner leads Mel out through the "unseen outway".)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor is with the Deputy Chief Caretaker and Fire Escape outside the Kang Headquarters. He is adjusting the door control.)
THE DOCTOR: That should do it.
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker notices Kroagnon, Pex and the two Cleaners appear at the other end of the street.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Doctor! And we're not ready for him.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, Pex. Move back, quickly.
FIRE ESCAPE: Oh, but Doctor, he'll make you unalive.
(Mel and Bin Liner appear on the street, having exited from the escape route.)
THE DOCTOR: There's only one way this might work, and for that I need to be on my own.
MEL: Come on.
(Mel, Bin Liner, Fire Escape and the Deputy all pull back to the other end of the Street, away from the Doctor. Kroagnon appears before the Doctor whilst Pex stand a little way behind him.)
KROAGNON: Well!?!
THE DOCTOR: Well, now, Kroagnon. How nice of you to drop in. I'm so glad. I wanted to have a word with you about the shoddy design of this building. I mean, take this door for instance, look at it.
KROAGNON: There was nothing wrong with it when I built it, unless humanoid creatures have damaged it.
THE DOCTOR: Well, speaking as an expert, I'm prepared to tell the universe you couldn't design a simple doorknob. I mean, look.
(Kroagnon growl as the Doctor points to the door. Kroagnon goes to look at it and the Doctor opens the door and attempts to push him inside. Kroagnon spins around and pushes the Doctor to his side. The others look on horrified. Pex makes to run away but the Cleaners stand in his way. He runs away in the other direction past the Doctor, who makes another attempt to push Kroagnon into the explosives-laden Kang Headquarters.)
THE DOCTOR: Pex!! Please!!
(Pex runs into Mel who looks at him disappointed. He remembers his Kang bracelet and goes back to help the Doctor who is being pushed repeatedly against the wall by Kroagnon. Pex pushes the Doctor aside and shoves the stick of explosive that Bin Liner gave him earlier into Kroagnon's hand. With one great leap he manages to push Kroagnon off his feet and through the door into the Kang Headquarters. Instantly the darkened interior explodes, debris flying everywhere.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. INT. THE SQUARE
[SCENE_BREAK]
(All the residents of Paradise Towers are gathered together to mourn and honour Pex. The Kangs stand around their memorial made from pieces of junk. The Rezzies and the Caretakers stand back looking on. Also present are the Doctor and Mel.)
BIN LINER: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive who gave his life for the Towers. In life he was not a Kang but in death he was brave and bold as a Kang should be.
(The Kangs, Red and Blue, stand as one and start to encircle the memorial.)
KANGS: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive. Hail Pex. Hail the Unalive.
(Mel and the Doctor look on.)
MEL: Poor Pex.
THE DOCTOR: Indeed, poor Pex. But look, Mel, they're all here. The Caretakers, the Rezzies, the Kangs. This would never have happened before. Perhaps now they'll all start working together.
MEL: Yes.
(Fire Escape, Bin Liner and Drinking Fountain move over to join the Doctor and Mel.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, Fire Escape. Now, have you managed to remove the Kang wallscrawls from the TARDIS as you promised?
FIRE ESCAPE: Build High for Happiness, Doctor.
(She passes the Doctor his umbrella with a sheepish grin.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much.
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: We're sorry you must go, Doctor and Mel. We've made you an honorary Kang, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, a Blue Kang or a Red Kang?
(She passes a blue scarf over to the Doctor and Fire Escape shows him that it is red on the other side.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Both.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, well I'll be honoured to wear it.
(He doffs his hat to them as they move off to join the procession.)
THE DOCTOR: And all my best wishes to the future of Paradise Towers.
(The Doctor and Mel wave goodbye to the others standing present and move over to the other side of the square where the TARDIS in standing waiting to depart. Mel unlocks the door. The Doctor doffs his hat to the same piece of metal rubbish that he said hello to when they arrived.)
THE DOCTOR: Goodbye.
MEL: No, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Well you never can tell.
(They both go inside the TARDIS and once the door is shut, the familiar whizzing and groaning sound echoes around the square. Once the TARDIS has gone it reveals a piece of writing scrawled on the wall. "Pex Lives".)


[Woody's. Brian's playing pool. Justin rubs his dick over the corner pocket.]
Brian: Would you move your dick? I can't concentrate.
[Justin turns around and rubs his ass over the corner pocket instead.]
Emmett: You shouldn't have any trouble sinking into that hole.
[Brian makes the shot and Justin moans with glee.]
Ben: [to Michael] What given you me to concentrate at?
[Ted is handing out flyers for a charity event, but nobody cares.]
Ted: Come to the angel ball. f*ck you, too!
Emmett: That wasn't very angelic.
Ted: Who even take a goddamn flyer?
Brian: Four hundred bucks for another boring fundraiser.
Michael: Angels Over Pittsburgh isn't just another charity; when Vic was sick they brought a meal practically every day. My mom and I couldn't done without that.
Ted: Unfortunately that's not what these guys doin'.
Brian: They need a big attraction.
Justin: Like Madonna. Or the Backstreet Boys.
Ted: Yeah, it's just Pittsburgh, sunshine. Not your wildest dreams.
Emmett: Hot about Pittsburgh's own Divina Devore? She's in town.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's good. Another worn-out old drag queen.
Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?
Brian: The kind that f*cks men.
Emmett: Divina Devore it's a legend. She's performed before presidents.
Brian: Ulysses S. Grant or Chester A. Arthur?
Michael: Go got her. But you won't have trouble with your tickets.
Ben: It's worth a shot.
[Michael squats in front of the corner pocket. Ben shoots and the ball rolls towards Michael's mouth. Ben misses. Michael pouts. The boys laugh.]
Michael: Oh.
[The kindergarten! We're at a center for early education/day care/fancy-pants place.]
women: Here in center for early development we offered an unique education parently. Which creates a save and supportive enviroment which are our degree candidates can inquire an invaluable learning and social skills.
Mel: Degree candidates? There are pre-schoolers.
woman: Therefore as much we would like to accept all applicants in order to ensure maximum focus and individual attention we can only admit a select few.
[Lindsay raises her hand]
Lindsay: May I ask what determines the final decision?
woman: The child's own unique talents and abilities will play a big part, but we're also trying to create the full spectrum of human diversity. Race, religion, socio-economic background.
Mel: What about sexual orientation?
woman: Oh yes, that too.
Lindsay: Are any same-sex-parented children currently enrolled?
woman: Not yet, but we're entend to make every afford to change that.
[The diner wall changes artwork. Now it's all Justin's.]
Debbie: [to a customer] The master piece that's what it is. For 50 bucks you'll buy the next Michael Angelo.
[The guy just rudely walks off]
Debbie: Ignorier miss.His does not know dick about art.
Justin: It doesn't matter. You do.
Jen: Justin, you didn't tell me you has your own show.
Justin: It's not exactly the Museum of Modern Art.
Debbie: That's next!
[Justin and Jennifer hug.]
Justin: You want something to eat?
Jen: Uh, thanks honey. I just had lunch. I'm with your father.
Justin: I don't talk about him.
Jen: Well, I just wanna talk either, but we'll do. He says he's not gonna pay for your school anymore.
Justin: Wha... That lame-ass sh1t. What's his feeble excuse?
Jen: The stock market and supporting two households. And he's a lame-ass sh1t. I don't want you to worry. I spoke to the accountant, I got a little of my savings, I can cash my IAR...
Justin: I don't takin' your money. You and Molly had to live.
Jen: You're sister and I'll be just... fine.
Justin: No, forget it. I'll take care of myself.
[Woody's. Divina Devore performing live at stage. Emmett, Ted, and Michael prance backstage right behind the stage manager. (S)he finished.]
Emmett: If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.
Michael: What woman looks like that? Big, red wig, tons of jewelry, gaudy clothes?
[Emmett, Ted, and the stage manager all turn slowly to the screen.]
Michael: My mother doesn't look like that!
[Divina leans back on the curtain as the audience politely applauds.]
Divina: Thank you, Pittsburgh! For reminding me why I left!
Ted: I hope she's not be one of those maniac divas who thinks she's the center of the universe -- you know, snapping her fingers bossing people around.
[Divina comes backstage.]
Divina: [to the stage manager] Hey, you. Tell the idiot, the one whos the lights the spot is suppose to be at my face. Not the left tit!
Stage manager: Yes, ma'am. I mean, sir.
Ted: Excuse me, Miss Devore.
Divina: Yes?
Ted: I just want to say... your performance tonight was... sparkling.
Emmett: Bubbling.
Ted: Effervescent.
Divina: Stop, you'll make me burp.
Michael: Miss Devore? Hi, I want to tell you your performance was really great.
Divina: I'm flattering for receive so much praise from so a handsome young men. Now, if you excuse me.
Ted: Wait. Uh, we wanted to ask you...
Divina: ...for my autograph.
Ted: And for your help. See, I'm organising a charity event...
Emmett: It's for a very good cause.
Divina: Is it ever a bad one?
Ted: It's for Angels Over Pittsburgh.
Michael: They prepare home cook meals for homeless people who have AIDS.
Ted: And I was hoping you were might...
Divina: Perform? Oh, I'd love to!
Emmett and Ted: You would?
Divina: If I didn't already spend half my life doing benefits. If I do any more, they'll have to throw one for me.
[Brian and Justin sit in a jeep.]
Justin: I told you, I can pay for this.
Brian: With your secrets money?
Justin: I'll get another job, a real job where I actually pay for it.
Brian: They pay for a hundred a week?
Justin: I still apply for a scholarship all alone.
Brian: What are you use for collection? Your ass? Stop being such a twat. I just trying to help you.
Justin: You've helped enough. You did practically my entire life.
Brian: What do you mean 'practically' ?
Justin: Look, I don't want you feel like you have always take care of me. And I don't want me to.
Brian: Fine, then go ahead. Don't come claim to me when it's didn't work.
Justin: I love that you do anything for me.
Brian: Who said it was for you? I made an investment, I want to pay off.
[Justin pulls off his seatbelt and gives Brian a blowjob at a red light. The man in the car next to Brian watches. Brian watches him back. Brian revs his engine.]
[Angels Over Pittsburgh sign on the refrigerator.]
Ted: Who the f*ck wants to see some worn-out old drag queen, anyway?
Emmett: Honey, you find someone else.
Michael: It's like Ben always says "You have to be a positive energy for."
Ted: What did Ben do in this new google-dee gook?
[Michael trows eat to Ted.]
Ted: You know, I woldn't been Divina Devore in the Benefit even if I could her.
Vic: Dvina Devore? Is she in town?
Michael: Yeah, we beg her to perform at the benefit but she turn us down.
Vic: She always was a selfish prick.
Emmett: You know her?
Vic: Honey, I knew her when she was a him. He was Danny Devore then. We went to highschool together.
Emmett: NO!
Ted: You know, maybe if you use the personal connection we can convince her mind.
Michael: Me?
Ted: You're our only hope.
Emmett: I thought you didn't even want her.
Ted: Well, that was before I know that she is a friend of the family.
Vic: I'm sure she wouldn't remember me.
[Lindsay's in pigtails, shouting to Mel from the porch.]
Lindsay: Mel! Mel!
Mel: What's the matter?
Lindsay: Look, a letter.
Mel: Haven't you've seen this before?
Lindsay: It's from Gus new school.
Mel: Hey, today the universe could be more to Harvert.
Lindsay: Who said anything about Harvert?
Mel: I thoughed everyone want a kid go to Harvert.
Lindsay: I feel we should considered at least Brown.
Mel: We'll continue this in 16 years. Just read the letter. What does she says?
Lindsay: He didn't get in.
Mel: What?! [she reads the letter] It's bullshit. They always made such a big deal about all different kinds of people.
Lindsay: Apparently not our kind of people.
Mel: What was all this crap about looking for a kid from same s*x parents?
Lindsay: She didn't mean us.
Mel: It's discrimination. That's what it is.
Lindsay: Against our son. For something that has nothing to do with him.
[Fotoshooting with Divina Devore! The photographer's talking in a voice-over.]
Michael: I know your busy, Mrs.Devore.
Divina: Then why are you here?
Michael: Well, I was hoping you were change your mind.
Divina: I don't change my mind! Only my underwear. Now, if you kindly show yourself out!
Michael: Guess my uncle was right.
Divina: Excuse me?
Michael: Nothing. Just something he said. He knew you back in Highschool.
Divina: Oh really and who was that?
Michael: You wouldn't remember. Vic Grassi?
[Camera zooms in her face.]
Divina: Vic Grassi. Oh, my god, I remember Vic. I hear that he was sick.
Michael: Yeah, he's doin' a lot better now. Now he's on a cocktail.
Divina: I'm glad to hear it. Tell him I say hello. So, if Vic is your uncle then Debbie must be your mother.
Michael: Knew her?
Divina: Knew her? I dated her!
Michael: You? I mean...?
Divina: Oh, back then I was a male impersonator. I did a really convincing act, too. How's she doin'?
Michael: Practically undestructable.
Divina: Did she became a nurse like she always wanted?
Michael: I never knew that. Just a waitress.
Divina: Jesus, I can still hear that laugh of her. She bring down a house. I wish she was in front of me last night. Oh, not complaint, I tell you kid, your momma was a real looker.
Michael: Still is. Just, now there's more to look at.
Divina: This benefit of yours, when is it?
Michael: Friday night.
Divina: I tell you what. I'll be there after my show.
Michael: That's so cool. You're doin' a really good deed. Thank you.
Divina: Don't thank me, pay me.
Michael: So how long's been you saw my mom?
Divina: Not since the summer of my graduation. I... I left town after that.
Michael: I bet you have some interesting stories about the two of you.
Divina: Gentlemen don't reveal such themes. Especially gentlemens who are ladies.
[Liberty Diner. Michael put on a sign of the poster with Divina Devore.]
Ted: Where is he? Michael! [Ted kisses Michael] I cannot believe you got her change her mind.
Brian: I can't believe Deb dated a drag queen. How anyone could tell them apart.
Emmett: At least now we know who taught her how to do her hair.
Brian: You realize it's makes your mother officially fag hag of all time. Then Vic, then you. Hey Debbie.
Debbie: Hey guys. Hi baby.
Brian: I hear your boyfriend is in town.
Debbie: Michael, about who's he talking about it?
Michael: It's someone you used to go...
Debbie: Yeah? Who?
Michael: Danny Devore.
[Debbie is shocked, angry, and grumpy.]
Debbie: Danny Devore.
Emmett: Better known as Divina Devore.
Ted: Michael got her agreement to perform on the Angel Ball.
Emmett: Yeah, thanks to you.
Debbie: What have I to do with it?
Brian: She said she couldn't possible turn down the son of a former flame.
Debbie: You shout your mouth! He had no right talk to my kid about my personal life.
Michael: We didn't say anything. He only said you two used to go out.
Debbie: Yeah, it was like a million years ago. I should be over him.
[Debbie walks away.]
[Babylon. Naked dancing boys. Sweet, toned flesh. Good flesh. Good music. Justin sticks a dollar in the g-string of a dancing boy. Brian snaps a dollar out of a different stripper's g-string.]
Brian: Shouldn't you been holding on on that?
Justin: It doesn't much matter since it's my last one.
Brian: Sort of like infections in the 19th century french noble been revive.
Justin: f*ck off.
Brian: Find a job.
Justin: I must have tried twenty restaurants and nobody hired.
Brian: What does the financial aid office said?
Justin: My f*cking father makes to much money.
Brian: Well, my offer still stands.
Justin: So does my answer. Better do that on my own.
Stripper: Give me a hand?
Brian: See? Some people know how to accept help.
[Justin roll his eyes. He watches the stripper pull money out of his crotch.]
Justin: Looks like a good night.
Stripper: It's nothing compared with the weekend.
Justin: Really? Cause I've been looking for something. Are they looking for more dancers?
Stripper: Gary's always looking.
[Brian and Justin are quiet, thinking. Brian walks away.]
[Debbies house. In Michaels old room. Ben and Michael arm are there. Very geeky picture of Michael and Brian in high school with their arms around each other.]
Michael: See what a dork I was?
Ben: You weren't a dork. I was a dork.
Michael: A fat ones.
Ben: You have no idea how fat. You are more dweeb.
Michael: Thanks.
Ben: Brian on the other hand...
Michael: I know, he was a total turn on.
Ben: I would say spaz.
Michael: Is it better or worse than a dweeb?
Ben: Oh, fare worse. Have I mention that I have a thing for dweebs?
Michael: Later. Goin check my moms old stuff.
Ben: Wait, that's kinda personal.
Michael: Well, she never really told me about that much. Everytime I ask about back then she said 'I did my homework and rest at my folk.' And you should do the dame.
[Ben pulls out a pompon.]
Ben: I didn't know she was a cheerleader.
Michael: Well, maybe those were Vic's. Oh, her yearbook. Check out the girls hairdos! Really boring.
Ben: Really straight. Where is your mom?
Michael: Grassi, grassi, grassi. There she is.
[Deborah Jane Grassi
AMB: Celebrate New Year's in every time zone!
P.D.: Celebrate every New Year's right here in the Pitt.
P.P.: Dishonest People.
P.S.: "S***, all my sayings have swears in them."
ACT: Yearbook, S.C. rep., Spirit Club, Parties, Parties, Parties]
Michael: Just as I said, mom was a real looker.
Ben: What about he look like?
Michael: Comes after a space.
Ben: Oh, scare me.
Michael: Danny Devore
AMB: Broadway Superstar
P.D.: NYC Cab Driver
P.P.: Stage Fright
P.S.: "Begone!"
ACT: Variety Show, Choir, Concert Band, Prom Committee, Spirit Club
Ben: Oh, he's kinda cute.
Michael: If you have a thing for dweebs.
[Strip club. Gary the creepy strip-club owner is doing "paperwork". Justin coughs some attention and.]
Justin: They said I can talk to you about the job.
Gary: Doin' what?
Justin: Dancing.
Gary: Ever dance professionally?
Justin: No, but I dance here all the time.
Gary: Like a thousand other queers. What makes you special?
Justin: I was King of Babylon.
Gary: Who wasn't? Sorry, I'm too busy. No one position's are open.
Justin: I'm sure if you saw me...
Gary: Hey, I'll busy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cut to naked Justin feet walking back along the bar. He stops over Gary.]
Justin: One dance, that's all. If I suck, you can kick my ass out.
Gary: You doesn't have much of a body. No packs, no abs, no biceps.
Justin: I have a great ass and I'm blond. You have no idea how far that gets me.
Gary: One dance. Make it good.
[He does]
[Cut to Justin dancing over Brian's head. Same outfit. Brian's apartment. Brian stops the music and.]
Brian: Try not to step into my Chinese food.
Justin: He said I'd be pulling $200 to $300 a night.
Brian: That'd better be all your pulling young men. And remember you still have your schoolwork to do.
Justin: And what if I don't?
Brian: Mmmh, you'd have to be spank.
Justin: [laughs] Yeah, just try.
Brian: You like it?
Justin: Uh, I just kidding.
[Brian pulls Justin over his knees, pulls down his underwear, and spanks him. Justin's enjoying it until Mel and Lindz just walk right into the apartment.]
Mel: Oh.
Brian: Oh, Note to self - make sure to lock the f*cking door.
Lindsay: [to Mel] I don't care. I'm gonna asking anybody.
Brian: [to Linds] Wanna chicken?
Mel: [to Linds] Don't waste you time. Everytime we ask him to do something he turns us down.
Brian: Ask me what?
Lindsay: I want you to be my husband.
Brian: You already have one.
Mel: It's for Gus. He got rejected by the Center for Early Development.
Lindsay: And we think it's because he had two mommies.
Brian: So now you wanna pass him to a product of a happy hetero homelife? f*ck that sh1t.
Mel: I told you, he is a total heterophobe.
Justin: That's true he is.
Brian: It's true. I am.
Lindsay: Brian, you know I would you never ask to compromise your values.
Mel: Except that they are.
Lindsay: You're always said it's not lying if they make you lying. You wants Gus to have the same advantages as kids you have a mommie and a daddie, don't you? You want him to go to the best schools and receive the best education? Then you got us help to make sure. They despite what other people may think of us - he's not the one who suffers. So we have to found another school. We have an appointment tomorrow.
[Michael's grilling Vic as Vic pretends to read a magazine.]
Michael: How long they go out?
Vic: I... I can't remember.
Michael: Was it serious?
Vic: How do I know?
Michael: Did she love him?
Vic: She didn't say!
Michael: Didn't say... It's nothing that mom doesn't say!
Vic: Look, Michael, it was a long time ago. Why don't you ask her?
Debbie: [comes home] Ask me what?
Michael: About Denny Devore.
Debbie: Christ, I haven't heard his name mention for thirty years and now all of a sudden it's all he's here.
Michael: I saw his picture in your yearbook.
Debbie: Who said you can looking in my yearbook?
Michael: You never said I couldn't! It's the picture of him! It looks a lot like me.
Debbie: Who you talking about? It doesn't look at the least bit of you.
Michael: You don't have your reading glasses on.
Debbie: Fine. Make me feel older than I really do. OK, I still don't see it. Vic? Do you see it?
Vic: Can't say I do.
Michael: C'mon! We have the same eyes, the same nose, the same mouth. Tell me that's not my chin!
Debbie: Not even close! And trust me, I know chins. I have serveral of it.
Michael: Ma, I just want you to tell me...
Debbie: Tell you what?
Michael: Why I look so much alike Danny Devore!
Vic: I get the clothes in the dryers.
Debbie: Stay right there! What are you getting at?
Michael: He said that you were out summer after graduation. That was 1969. I was born March 1970.
Debbie: Ha! I don't believe what I'm hearing! Are you asking me if some old drag queen that I once knew in high school is your father? You know who your father is! This is your father!
[Debbie holds up a picture of John Michael Navotny]
Debbie: John Michael Novotny. Lieutenant in the US army.
Michael and Debbie: Died in Vietnam, 1970, two weeks after I was born.
Michael: I know. You told me a million times. But this guy in the picture who doesn't even look like me is my dad. But that've all you told me!
Debbie: What else do you wanna know?
Michael: Who are my grand-parents?
Debbie: They're dead.
Michael: Aunts and uncles?
Debbie: They weren't any.
Michael: So he's just a war hero?
Debbie: 'Just'!? They awarded him the purple heart! He was on a rescue mission, carving his way through the jungle when a landmine exploded.
Michael: You've said it was a Jeep accident.
Debbie: He was carving his way in a Jeep when it ran over a landmine.
Michael: You can't even keep the goddam story straight!
Debbie: Stop confusing me...!
Vic: Look, it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter now.
Michael: I just wanna know the truth.
Debbie: Are you calling me a liar? Your own mother? I told you who you father was. And I expect you to believe me.
[She wanders out of the room, tottering back and forth.]
[Better kids at this school. Lindsay and Brian goes inside.]
Lindsay: Promised me to behave.
Brian: I don't mention dick if you don't mention pussy.
Lindsay: You know what I mean. I don't you getting into your moods.
Brian: Yeah, yeah. I want a homo-hetero kid just as you do.
Lindsay: That's it. Don't be nervous.
Brian: If my heart gettin' low, I'll be dead.
[Inside the school.]
woman: Hello.
Lindsay: Hi, we are the...
woman: Oh, the Kinneys. Uh, Mr. and Mrs.Kinney.
Lindsay: Right!
Brian: Sometimes she'll forgets, don't you, honey?
Lindsay: [laughs] I don't forget. He's such a kitter.
woman: Oh, please. I tell Mrs.Harper you are here.
[she leaves. Brian and Lindsay sits down. Brian plays with toys.]
Lindsay: I told you to behave!
Brian:You could send me to the principal's office, but I'm already there.
Lindsay: It's also strange. I mean I knew I'd have a child like Gus and he goes to a school like this one. And I never imagine it will be like this.
Brian: Well, there's no predicting. Oops, I said dick, didn't I?
Lindsay: Can't you be serious? For even a minute?
[Brian sits down, checks her watch]
Brian: You're on.
Lindsay: There was even a time, when we first met that I thought this could be reality. Did you ever felt that way?
Brian: No. You wanted me to be serious. That doesn't mean I don't love you.
[Brian kisses Lindsay just as the principal comes to the door and calls them in.]
Mrs.Harper: Mr.and Mrs.Kinney!
Brian: [looks at the clook] Oh, the minutes up.
Mrs.Harper: Oh, please, don't be emparest. It's always nice to see young parents express their affection. And I think it's important for children to see that to, don't you agree? Come in to my office, please and we'll discuss Gus' future.
[Debbie is standing at Divina's hotel door.]
Debbie: I never in a million years known it was you.
[She stands there. No wig, just scary makeup and tiny dagger nails. Red robe.]
Divina: Thirty years is a long time.
Debbie: Try thirty-one. But who's counting?
Divina: So, come on in. You want a drink?
Debbie: No. No, thanks. God, you have more sh1t than I do.
Divina: These days it takes longer to look fabulous.
Debbie: Tell me about it. Is this real?
Divina: Honey, I wish. So, how're you doin', my Divina?
Debbie: So you called me in highschool.
Divina: Now you have a son. He tells me you work in a diner. Vic was sick and now he's better.
Debbie: Thirty years in a natcho.
Divina: Thirty-one. Michael is a very nice, young men.
Debbie: I'm very proud of him.
Divina: And I would be to. He's polite, caring, good looking. In fact he's reminded me a lot of someone I used to know. Only at first I couldn't figure out who it was. Then when I discovered you were his mother I realized. I was looking at myself. In a mirror. Through time. Why? Didn't you? Ever! Tell me?
Debbie: You already left town. Run off to the big city to be a big star! Who was I supposed to do? Call you up and say 'Hey, guess what? You're a dad. Come back and marry me.'
Divina: So, you decided to have him on your own, raising him on your own. It must have taken a lot of courage.
Debbie: It was the easiest decision I ever made.
Divina: Who you tell him who his father was?
Debbie: A soldier who died in Vietnam. I picked up his name out of the newspaper from the list of dead. I even changed my own name.
Divina: You went through a lot of trouble to make sure he never found out.
Debbie: I wanted him to have a hero.
Divina: And I could never be that.
Debbie: It wasn't so much that you were gay, Danny. I always kind of suspected. In fact, that's probably why I liked you. It's that you lied to me.
Divina: You won't the only one. I lied to myself as well. I wanted to be something I wasn't.
Debbie: Are you sure it's all succeeded? And he sure as hell didn't need to know his dad was a drag queen. And now he's found your goddamn picture in the yearbook. And he's put two and two together. And knowing him he's coming here to talk to you any minute.
Divina: Christ, what I am telling him?
Debbie: Hell if I know!
Divina: I'm sure if you explained he would understand.
Debbie: What? That I've lied to him his entire life? And then he never trust me again. And I wouldn't blame him.
[The Happy Fun House. Lindsay comes home and fills Mel in on the interview with Brian.]
Lindsay: Oh, we were with her two and a half hours. She seemed really impressed.
Mel: That's a good sign, isn't it?
Lindsay: I hope so.
[They sit together in the living room. Mel rubs Lindsay's foot and coos at her]
Lindsay: Christ, I hate that heels!
Mel: Baby, come here.
Lindsay: Oh, that's nice.
Mel: And Brian behaved himself?
Lindsay: More than behaved. He was charming, attentive.
Mel: I hope not to attentive.
Lindsay: He complement the school of was whee... Everything was perfect.
Mel: Besides I would say the wrong face.
Lindsay: Should have been you and me in there.
Mel: Uh, whatever it takes. Besides it was you idea.
Lindsay: I know. It seen the good one at that time but now,... I don't know.
Mel: Hey, don't worry about it.
Lindsay: Sometimes the ends actually justify the means.
[The phone rings. It's the school.]
Mel: Besides the important thing is that Gus has the same chance every other kid. Hello? Who? Oh, yes. Hang on. [she's give the phone to Linds] Mrs.Kinney.
Lindsay: Hello? Mrs.Harpher. Yes, thank you. Mel and I... I mean Brian and I follow the same way. We will so pleased. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Mel: What?
Lindsay: I understand. Well, thank you for calling.
[She hangs up.]
Mel: What? What she say?
Lindsay: He didn't get in.
Mel: What?
Lindsay: He didn't get in. Mrs.Harpher called her apologize she thought my husband and I were absolutely charming and they would love to have Gus but...
Mel: So, what's the problem?
Lindsay: They only had one spot open and they gave it to another child ... with same-sex-parents.
Mel: Are you sh1tting me?!
Lindsay: The board decided that the student population had to be more open...
Mel: Well, we're goin' to sue... this is discrimination!
Lindsay: [laughs] We can't sue! Heterosexual discrimiation?!
Mel: You think this is funny?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lindsay: I think it is hilarious.
Mel: What we gonna do now?
Lindsay: I'm gonna take a bath. And first thing tomorrow we will look for another school. And this time Gus' parents Lindsay and Melanie will go to the new interview.
[Babylon! Justin's dancing in an angel's outfit. The angel at the next go-go booth has tons of cash in his shorts. Justin does not. Emmett, Michael, and Brian are pouting at the bar. Brian's trying to ignore his half-naked boyfriend grinding for tips.]
Emmett: When I was in school, I had a part-time job walking peoples dogs. I didn't know I could have made money wagging his own tail.
Ted: What a turnout. But I have to thank Michael. [He kisses Mikey]
Michael: See ya.
[He starts to pout off]
Ted: Aren't you gonna stay?
Brian: They all to sticking around to see the number one fan.
Michael: Just leave me alone. How can somebody put on an act all those years...?
Brian: It has to do with homocritical lifestyle...
Michael: I mean my mother.
Brian: You don't know for sure.
Michael: That my mom lied to me? And my father is not a boring old Judy Garland.
Brian: Would you have preferred Bette Davis?
Michael: Maybe I should just forget it.
[announcer speaking.]
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, ladies who are gentlemen, gentlemen who are ladies and the Angel Ball presents our favorite angel, Pittsburghs own Miss Divina Devore."
[Divina sings "Heaven, I'm in heaven" and were uplifted by a hydrolic lifter. Brian smiles and laughs. Divina keeps singing. Michael looks at Brian in slow motion and shoves him off-camera. Everyone cheers as Michael just stands there looking at the ground. He smiles back upwards again. We can still hear Divina singing as we're backstage watching Divina take off her clothes.]
Divina: Michael.
Michael: May I come in?
Divina: Well, I don't undress before a man I barely know but in your case I'm make an expection. How'd go? Did "Angels of Pittsburgh" make buckets of bucks? It's the last benefit I ever do.
Michael: Somewhere I doubt it.
Divina: Well, you take care of yourself, Michael. It's nice to meet you.
Michael: Actually I have another favore.
Divina: Oh, for heaven sake haven't we done enough for humantiy?
Michael: It's not charity. I hope you can help me when you look at this. It's your old high-school yearbook. And this is you.
Divina: I haven't seen that in thirty... make it eighteen years.
Michael: Ever seen resemblance?
Divina: It's unmistakable I look exactly like Tom Cruise.
Michael: I meant to me.
Divina: You? [he laughs] I appreciate the flattery but frankly no. I don't see it.
Michael: How can you miss it? The way you looked back then and the way I look now. I mean we are identically twins.
Divina: I suppose when you squint a slight resemblance but so what? Here, help me with this zipper. I ask for a dresser but there are two goddamn...
Michael: Are you my father?
Divina: This is a fine time to ask. You help me out of my Gaul?
Michael: You seen my mother than. The timing was exactly right...
Divina: Not to rupt. First I had to be got out here.
Michael: I mean, you and she, you'll never...?
Divina: Look at me? Do I look like the kind of guy who goes around to beg babes? You're mother was hardly my type.
Michael: But you said she was beautiful and back you used to bat for the other team.
Divina: Drag queens are notorious liars. Everyone knows that. So, what does your mother say?
Michael: She says my father was this old war hero.
Divina: So, why you don't believe that?
Michael: Because the story keeps changing and there's only one picture. And the guy doesn't even look like me. Look, I don't make any demands, and I not even asking to stay in touch: I just wanna know the truth.
[Divina walks back into the room dressed as a man.]
Danny: Michael, may I tell you the one truth I learn it all my years? The truth is what you choose to believe. When I'm onstage, people believe I'm Divina Devore not because I'm a great female impersonator, but because they want to.
Michael: What is this have to do whether you my father or my mother lied to me?
Danny: Your mother gave you something to believe in: a hero. A father you could be proud of. Because she loves you. That's the truth. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you.
[Empty strip club.]
Gary: Still here?
Justin: So, how do I do?
Gary: Not bad - for your first time.
Justin: But the tips sucks.
Gary: What do you expecting?
Justin: More than I got in the diner.
Gary: Then you need to dance on the bar.
Justin: How do I do that?
Gary: Look, you had to work your way up. Maybe in six months.
Justin: Six months? I need money now to pay for school.
Gary: Well, there is a problem. I tell you what. You give me some time, I'll give you some time.
Justin: No, thanks.
Gary: It's up to you. Oh, and if you change your mind and you decide you wanna make... say couple of thou a months, let me know.
[Justin goes to Gary and squeeze his crotch. Gary take it immediately in his mouth. Justin almost cries but doesn't stop Gary.]
[Justin goes home beaming. Brian works on his computer.]
Justin: You're still up?
Brian: Yeah, I'm doin' my homework. So, what's like?
Justin: I had to talk to the boss.
Brian: Uh-huh.
Justin: He said I could start tomorrow dance on the bar.
Brian: After only one night?
Justin: Told you I could take care of myself.
[Brian keeps working on the computer. Justin walks over and kisses Brian on the mouth. Brian looks suspicious.]
Brian: Yeah, I guess you can.
[Debbies home. Debbie's putting the fake dad away. Michael walks in.]
Michael: Ma, what are you doin' up so late?
Debbie: I couldn't sleep. What about you?
Michael: Same. I came to return the yearbook.
Debbie: You can have it.
Michael: What are you doin'?
Debbie: Puttin' things away. Make some room. Some things I had to do long time ago.
Michael: It's "Dad's shrine." You can't just read of it.
Debbie: No need for it now.
Michael: What are you talking about?
Debbie: No need to pretend, Michael. The truth is...
Michael: ...just like you said. My father is Lieutenant John Michael Novotny. Died in Vietnam, April 10, 1970. He was killed just two weeks after I was born when the Jeep he was driving ran over a landmine that was carving a path through the jungle on a mission to save his troops. Right, Ma?
Debbie: Right. [she says through tears.]
Michael: For which he was posthumously awarded the Purple Heart.
Debbie: And his last words were, 'Tell my son I love him more than life itself.'
Michael: 'And I'll always be proud of him.'
[Debbie and Michael embrace as the camera lifts.]