[ The cafeteria ]
Leonard: Oh, hey, oh, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.
Howard: Oh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That's why I don't take her to SeaWorld.
Leonard: I know you-you don't want to hear it, but she was there with Stuart.
Howard: That's fine. I don't care.
Raj: It doesn't bug you when they go out on dates?
Howard: They're not dating. They're just two friends who went out to dinner.
Raj: And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
Howard: Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj: Like who?
Howard: Like you and your dog.
Leonard: Don't rule out the dating.
Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
Sheldon: You think you've got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
Howard: How is this helpful?
Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there's a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
Leonard: But the gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as. It doesn't even know it's called a gibbon.
Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you've got it worse than a gibbon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ We built the Wall ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ Bang! ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's Apartment ]
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: We brought snacks for movie night.
Penny: Oh, great. I don't suppose you also brought napkins, clean bowls, utensils and a roll of toilet paper.
Bernadette: Right here.
Penny: Ah, You guys are the best.
Amy: What's with the clothes?
Penny: Well, with all the new stuff I bought for work, I needed to make room in my closet.
Amy: I meant why are they folded? But whatever. Ooh, what's this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, is my prom dress.
Bernadette: Wow, you still have it? I just assumed it was balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette: Slutty.
Amy: Easy.
Penny: The word is popular.
Bernadette: How was your prom? Did you go?
Amy: No, but I was on clean-up crew.
Penny: Aw, that's sad.
Amy: No, it was okay. The DJ let me dance one slow song with my mop before he shut down. Whenever I see a bucket of dirty water, I still hear Lady in Red.
Bernadette: My prom was pretty terrible, too. I was so excited about my date, but it turned out he only asked me 'cause he liked my friend. He spent the whole night talking about her.
Amy: Okay, we get it, you had a friend and a date. Stop bragging.
Penny: Doesn't matter. Prom is silly anyways.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say; you probably went with the captain of the football team.
Penny: No. I just made out with him a little while his date was puking.
Amy: My date would've had to clean that up.
Bernadette: Ooh, I have an idea. Maybe we can have, like, a prom do-over.
Amy: Oh, that would be so much fun. We could decorate the roof and make the guys wear tuxedos.
Bernadette: Ooh, and get our hair done, and slow-dance.
Penny: Okay, guys, trust me, as someone who's been to, like, seven proms, it is never as good as you want it to be.
Amy: You went to seven proms?
Penny: Yeah, let's see. Uh, four Under the Seas, two Enchanted Evenings, and one Night to Remember that I cannot remember for the life of me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, where's Bernadette?
Howard: She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing.
Raj: Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I've wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I'm back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing's been a real roller coaster.
Howard: Bernie's really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.
Raj: Did you go to your prom?
Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms...
Penny: Okay, okay.
Shldon: ...of AP Calculus.
Raj: How come you're not shopping with Amy and Bernadette?
Leonard: Let me guess, you think the whole idea is lame?
Penny: Well, who cares what I think? What do you think?
Leonard: Hmm, to be honest, it's kind of a dream come true to go to even a fake prom with a woman as beautiful as you.
Penny: Ugh, thanks a lot.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, now I can't blow this thing off without being a bitch.
Raj: That sounds like a yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: Ooh, every single person RSVP'd yes. This is so exciting. Isn't this exciting?
Howard: Yep.
Bernadette: Look, even Stuart's bringing a date. I wonder who it is.
Howard: You know exactly who it is. He's gonna bring my mom. Why did you even invite him?
Bernadette: Because he's our friend, and you two need to get along. And why can't he take your mom? You took her to your prom.
Howard: I didn't take her, she was a chaperone.
Bernadette: I saw a picture of you two dancing together.
Howard: What was I gonna do? They were playing our song. I can't take this anymore.
Stuart (on phone): Hello.
Howard: Stuart, we have to talk. This thing with you and my mom, I hate it. It's making me crazy. You and I were friends for years, and now you're bringing my mother to a party I'm going to? What the hell?
Stuart: I'm not bringing your mother, I have a date.
Howard: Oh, so now you're cheating on my mother?
Stuart: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? There's nothing weird going on with me and your mother.
Mrs Wolowitz (O.C.): Stewie, your bath is getting cold!
Stuart: I got to go, bye.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: You knocked more than usual.
Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it's good to have a few in the bank.
Penny: Okay, what's up?
Sheldon: I'd like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I've come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.
Penny: Great, how?
Sheldon: We pretend we're aliens. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I'm gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Penny: Okay, just one question. What?
Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I've used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don't worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.
Penny: Here's a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.
Leonard: There, perfect.
Sheldon: What, are you sure? It's my first prom, I want to do it correctly.
Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.
Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn't want to. You didn't want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn't want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.
Leonard: Was that a flask?
Sheldon: Yes. I've decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.
Leonard: You're gonna put alcohol in the punch?
Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It's all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.
Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you'd be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren't elected. It's gonna be off the hook.
Leonard: And while you're at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having s*x doesn't mean you have to.
Sheldon: Why would you say that?
Leonard: You know, 'cause, 'cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.
Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?
Leonard: Just relax, it's a joke. You don't have hormones.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
Leonard: Wow, you look amazing.
Penny: Thank you, so do you.
Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Sheldon, doesn't Amy look hot? That's got to put some starch in the upper flermin.
Amy: What's that?
Leonard: Oh, it's a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you're dancing.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Amy: Where are you going?
Sheldon: I can't do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn't grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.
Leonard: He's right, I was thinking of the lower flermin.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ A limo ]
Raj: Ooh, I'll, uh, text Stuart, let him know we're close.
Bernadette: That's a neat tattoo.
Emily: Oh, thanks, it's Sally from Nightmare before Christmas.
Bernadette: Aw, that movie's so cute.
Howard: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily: Uh, a little, but more that she's covered in scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette: I like Cinderella.
Emily: Did you know, in the original book, the sisters cut off their toes with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette: I like Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
Raj: Hey, here comes Stuart and his date.
Emily: Oh, she's cute.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: That's Jeanie.
Bernadette: That's Jeanie?
Emily: Who's Jeanie?
Howard: Don't say it.
Raj: That's Howard's cousin that he had s*x with.
Howard: She is my second cousin. We were 15, I just said, don't say it.
Emily: No, it's okay. He told me that story a long time ago.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: It was our first date, there was an awkward silence. What was I supposed to say?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The rooftop ]
Penny: Oh, it's beautiful.
Leonard: Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
Penny: Aw, I know I wasn't into this before, but I'm so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
Leonard: What makes you think I didn't go to my prom? I went.
Penny: Well, who'd you go with?
Leonard: I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: Oh, it's all right. We ended up having a threesome with her friend humiliation, so...
Penny: Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone, I would've asked you to dance.
Leonard: No, you wouldn't have.
Penny: Well, you don't know that.
Leonard: It was before my growth spurt.
Penny: What, that already happened?
Leonard: Very funny.
Penny: Well, you wouldn't have asked me either.
Leonard: I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sheldon's bedroom ]
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: I don't think that's a good idea.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.
Amy: You're making me worry. What's going on?
Sheldon: What's going on is we're about to go to a prom. And there's a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.
Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?
Sheldon: It's not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I'm not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.
Sceme: The limo.
Stuart: So, I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys'. She passed me the Manischewitz, I took one look at this punim, and I almost plotzed on the kugel.
Rajj: Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
Howard: So, my mother's okay with this?
Jeannie: Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
Howard: 'Cause they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
Jeannie: Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
Raj: This is so messed up.
Emily: I know, I'm having the best time.
Howard: Why would you even come to this? Didn't you know I'd be here?
Jeannie: It was a long time ago, Howard.
Stuart: And you're only second cousins, who cares?
Bernadette: So, you knew and you brought her anyway?
Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
Howard: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The rooftop ]
Penny: Well, I might not have asked you to dance then, but I will ask you now.
Leonard: There's no music.
Penny: I don't care. We'll make our own music.
Leonard: My God, who's the dork now? Thank you for wearing your flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing your heels.
Leonard: Look at me. Dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to take a picture of us and send it to your old friends in the chess club?
Leonard: I sent them a bikini shot of you years ago. This is nice. I kind of wish no one else was coming.
Penny: I know, me, too. But it will be fun to have a prom without all the drama.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The limo ]
Bernadette: Howie, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sheldon's bedrooom ]
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I'm not missing another prom. I'm going upstairs now. Good-bye.
Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.
Amy: You did?
Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.
Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn't mean we have to spend the night together.
Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it's prom?
Amy: I'm always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.
Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what's happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn't mean girls are allowed in my room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The rooftop ]
Raj: Okay. Here we go... Say "Cheese"! Say "Cheese"! Say "Cousin"! Say...
Stuart: Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I'm here with Jeanie. Okay, but we're just friends. It's, yeah. I got to go.


Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.
Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Penny: Okay, here's the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Sheldon: Good, good. I'm glad we're still friends.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Penny: Everyone.
Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I'll just substitute intercourse.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You're just coitusing with me, aren't you?
Sheldon: Bazinga.
Penny: Mmm. How's Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
Penny: I'll pretend I didn't hear it.
Sheldon: I'd rather you pretend I didn't say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Penny: Interesting. I'll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
Sheldon: I'm hungry now.
Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don't you give me an hour and come over?
Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?
Penny: I don't have hot dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, it's all right, I do. Oh! You're in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, no, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it, that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Well, usually I'm on the team that picks last. Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you're hungry.
Sheldon: Well, of course I'm hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?
Leonard: I don't know. Why?
Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard! Credits sequence
Scene: A few moments later.
Howard: Oh, God, this is good.
Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Howard: Jews don't have hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Certainly. It's not like I have to moderate my food intake because I'm planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight?
Howard: Nah, I can't. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World.
Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don't have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.
Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you.
Raj: Oh, please, we all know I'm the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I'm thirsty, so I'm going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
Leonard: You know what? I'll just spend the evening alone.
Raj: What, suddenly I'm not good enough for you?
Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I'll take my after-dinner walk.
Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?
Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?
Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there's one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it's serotonin. Bye-bye.
Howard: Hold on. I'll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Oh, that's not necessary. You can go first.
Howard: Or we could go together.
Sheldon: I can't think of a reason why not.
Howard: Let's go.
Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.
Raj: I've missed you.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: What?
Howard: You said you were going for a walk.
Sheldon: I didn't say outside.
Howard: So what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Woman's voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.
Howard: Which way are you going?
Sheldon: Which way are you going?
Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.
Sheldon: I'm going the other way. Bye.
Howard: Bye. Actually, I'm this way. Do I smell hot dogs?
Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.
Sheldon: Perhaps you're getting a brain tumour.
Howard: All right, have a nice walk.
Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.
Howard: You might want to stand back. I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: I haven't had s*x in a year.
Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don't flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.
Leonard: So, go.
Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don't want to come off like a lonely loser.
Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?
Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I'll look like a catch.
Leonard: I'm not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn't have to be Asian.
Leonard: Don't worry. You'll meet a girl someday.
Raj: No, I won't.
Leonard: Yes, you will, and she'll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
Raj: You really think so?
Leonard: I do, and you'll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she'll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.
Raj: But we'll have s*x first, right?
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That's Eye-talian.
Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I'm fine, I don't care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
Penny: Well, good.
Sheldon: I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
Penny: He's been crying?
Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.
Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?
Penny: No. Why, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?
Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.
Penny: All right. So, what's new in your life?
Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.
Penny: Have you been running?
Sheldon: No. It's just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Penny: I'm so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.
Penny: Well, maybe that's 'cause Leonard can't cook.
Sheldon: You can't cook and you made me this.
Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I'm gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Look at this. Do you think she's really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
Leonard: I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don't know that. Prison changes people.
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I told you, walking.
Leonard: For an hour and a half?
Sheldon: I got lost.
Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.
Raj: There are no solar flares right now.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Raj: Dude, I'm an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I'd be all up in it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.
Leonard: What the hell was that about?
Raj: I don't know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?
Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Leonard is asleep.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, just come in!
Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time.
Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may want to sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?
Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?
Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: I didn't want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you want to be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that's been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
Leonard: I guess not.
Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back.
Leonard: D-don't be silly. We're neighbours, we're going to run into each other, may as well get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Leonard: You used to it yet?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it's fine.
Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.
Leonard: His mother?
Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
Leonard: I was going to do that.
Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.
Leonard: No, I don't want to do it. You can do it.
Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.
Leonard: I just took him for shoes.
Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
Leonard: Fine. I'll take him for shoes next Saturday.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
Leonard: You're taking him to Disneyland?
Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?
Leonard: All right. But let me know if you're going to stuff him with junk food. I don't want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
Penny: We're going to Disneyland. He's going to eat junk food.
Leonard: All I'm saying is give me a heads-up.
Penny: Okay, whatever.
Leonard: And don't let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He'll say he can handle it, but I promise you'll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else?
Leonard: Yeah, don't let Goofy near him. He'll have nightmares and I'll have to deal with it.
Penny: What's the problem with Goofy?
Leonard: Wish I knew. He's fine with Pluto.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about.
Penny: We're home.
Leonard: It's ten o'clock, where have you been?
Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.
Leonard: I was going to see that with him.
Penny: How was I supposed to know that?
Sheldon: It's all right. I'll see it again with you.
Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
Penny: I know, I know.
Sheldon: I can still eat.
Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Sheldon: Okay, but just don't fight
Leonard: We're not fighting.
Penny: Just go.
Leonard: Aren't you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: You're welcome, sweetie.
Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?
Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Leonard: Come on. It's just a cup of coffee.
Penny: Yep, okay. Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
Leonard: What am I smelling?
Penny: Sheldon's churro on my shoes.
Scene: Sheldon's bedroom.
Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep.
Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I'm glad.
Leonard: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have s*x.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin' around.
Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no.


MUSIC IN:
EXT. STREET - DAY
(SFX: SIRENS B.G.)
RICK: Let's move! Let's go! Get those BAs up. Pull a cord and a half! Let's get ready to roll! Davis, get those utilities turned off, quickly! Move it!
DAVIS: (MUFFLED) I'm on it, Sir!
RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) We're in front. You start in back!
FIRE FIGHTER: (V.O./MUFFLED) Come on, Scotty. You're with me. Let's move.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
RICK: (SHOUTS) Fire department! Let's go.
(SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOUSE - DAY
(SFX: FLAMES B.G.)
(SFX: SMOKE ALARM BEEPING B.G.)
RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) You two spread out. Clear the bedrooms! I'll take the kitchen!
FIREFIGHTER: (V.O.) We'll cover these down here!(SFX: FIREFIGHTERS VOICES B.G.)
(SFX: RICK BREATHES HEAVILY B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) Every damn time. False alarm, fellas. Just another overcooked bird. Or something. (ON CAMERA) Tough to tell after six hours in the - oh dear.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY
(SFX: ESPRESSO COFFEE MACHINE B.G.)
LANDON: Double Americano for Thom. (BEAT) Aren't you Thom?
MCGEE: Yes, thank you. Sorry.
LANDON: You must need that badly. Don't even recognize your own name. Medium mocha coming up.
MCGEE: It's my other name.
LANDON: Two names, huh?
MCGEE: Well, two jobs. It's Thom when I'm writing. Not that I've actually written anything in weeks.
LANDON: Writer's block?
MCGEE: Creative stifling. I am crumbling under the pressure of expectations.
LANDON: Oh, you're Thom E. Gemcity! Your photo's on the back cover! I loved Deep Six.
MCGEE: Thanks... Landon. Thank you.
LANDON: Can't wait to see what happens next.
MCGEE: You and me both. Two weeks until my deadline. I'm stuck here in chapter seven.
LANDON: Well, it could be worse.
MCGEE: How's that?
LANDON: It could be chapter six. Okay, we've got a half caf percent latte and a medium double decaf for Whitney.(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. Yeah. (TO LANDON) The other job.
LANDON: Good luck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOUSE - DAY
TONY: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a John Hughes masterpiece. Now there's a guy that didn't have time for writer's block, Probie. Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, The Breakfast Club.
MCGEE: I do not have... I'm just struggling to find out the most efficient way to tell my next story.
TONY: Now, do you think Hughes writes on a computer or does he use an old-fashioned typewriter, like you?
MCGEE: Well, I'm sure he uses a computer, Tony. Most writers do.
TONY: Did you ever consider converting?
MCGEE: I don't think that's the reason for my ...
TONY: Were you going to say... writer's block?
MCGEE: I like my typewriter.
TONY: But it doesn't like you. It's a classic tale of unrequited love between a boy and his machine. You can use that if you want. But remember, you've got to have a love story. I can see the poster already.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(SFX: CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS)
ZIVA: The house is leased to Petty Officer Darren Cove. No roommates, but according to the neighbors, he is rarely alone.
(DOOR CLOSES)
GIBBS: I can tell. He's got a fridge full of beer. No hard alcohol.
ZIVA: Except for this. Ooh! If smells could kill, I think we just found our murder weapon.
GIBBS: I'm more concerned with where they came from.
ZIVA: Neighbors said this was a notorious party house. Maybe someone brought in the mixers.
GIBBS: And they left with them, too.
ZIVA: Seems like a lot of effort for a couple of drinks. Wasted effort.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: (V.O.) The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
TONY: Beer pong.
MCGEE: Huh?
TONY: This is tragic. Don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie? What did you do at MIT?
MCGEE: Studied.
TONY: That figures. Well, beer pong is a drinking game, the object of which is to take the ping pong ball and try to get it into the other team's cups.
MCGEE: (BEAT) Show me how it's done.
TONY: This is a crime scene, not a frat house. You hearing voices, Probie?
MCGEE: I figured you saw Gibbs coming.
TONY: I just don't think this is the time or the place to showcase my beer pong skills. (BEAT) What?
MCGEE: It seems out of character.
TONY: (LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah. No, you may not use me to get over your writer's block.
ZIVA: McGee has writer's block?
MCGEE: No, McGee does not.
ZIVA: Just do what you did last time. Write about us.
MCGEE: Okay, I've told you guys a million times. The book is not about you.
TONY: No, of course not. It's about Special Agent Tommy.
ZIVA: And Officer Lisa.
GIBBS: (V.O.) Dinozzo.
TONY: And L.J. Tibbs.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Get this.
TONY: Looks like McGee wasn't the only writer here today
GIBBS: Bag it.
NOTE: ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Petty Officer Cove joined the Navy three years ago, right out of high school. His C.O. says he's a little immature, but basically a good kid.
TONY: A good kid with a criminal record. Since enlisting, he's been arrested twice. Both misdemeanors. Public intox in oh-four, and a noise ordinance violation last July.
MCGEE: He works to live, and lives to party. It's his C.O.'s words.
TONY: Guys in his Command call him Darren "Diddy" Cove.
GIBBS: Why?
MCGEE: Uh, it's a reference to Sean "Diddy" Combs.
TONY: The Puff Man. P-Diddy. Rap impresario. Went out with J-Lo. Petty Officer Cove was on duty yesterday.
MCGEE: Left the base at eighteen hundred. Hasn't been seen since.
TONY: And neither has his blue Ford Ranger. It should be in his garage, but it's not.
MCGEE: Which means his attacker took it.
GIBBS: Or Petty Officer Cove went for a drive.
MCGEE: Well, with that amount of blood loss, it's doubtful he was conscious.
GIBBS: If it was all his blood.
TONY: Well, Abby'll tell us, because Cove's blood sample is in his medical records.
ZIVA: (V.O.) Thank you.
MCGEE: I'm going to go check the BOLO, see if he's got a hit on the pickup.
ZIVA: That's not necessary, McGee. Norfolk Police just found it abandoned along Highway Five.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. RAVINE - DAY
ZIVA: I've noticed oversized dice like these in numerous vehicles. Do they serve a purpose? Hello? Tony?
TONY: What?
ZIVA: Do they serve a purpose?
TONY: Fuzzy dice? Pretty good redneck indicator. Other than that, no. They don't serve a purpose. We've got a lot more blood back here, Boss. Think this was used to cover the body?
GIBBS: Yeah. Or bodies.
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Abs. I'm listening.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
ZIVA: (LONG BEAT) McGee, you look like you've seen a goat.
MCGEE: Huh? Oh, ghost. Seen a ghost. Yeah, do you know what déja vu is?
ZIVA: Bien sur. My French is better than my English.
MCGEE: Right.
ZIVA: So?
MCGEE: What?
ZIVA: The déja vu?
MCGEE: I can't place it.
ZIVA: (LONG BEAT) By any chance, did you start dating someone, McGee?
MCGEE: Dating? Please. I spend every spare minute I have writing.
GIBBS: Hang on a second. McGee, get this towed back to lock-up. (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Go on, Abs.
TONY: Abby's got something.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB - NIGHT
TONY: Watch out! It's Halloween at Coyote Ugly. Piper Perabo!
ABBY: Oh, if you liked that one you're going to love this. It's... it's a Sciuto original. I like to call it "Bottoms Up."
ZIVA: Oh! I had no idea you were a bartender, Abby.
ABBY: Well, my Uncle Teddy used to own a bar on Canal Street. And I used to bartend on the weekends.
GIBBS: The case, Abby.
ABBY: Gibbs, you haven't even seen my famous "Fire Bomb!" It can wait. So I tested the blood that was in Petty Officer Cove's house. Most of it was his, but one sample did not match.
ZIVA: It could have been from a prior accident or an altercation at one of his parties.
TONY: Or it could be the killer's.
ABBY: I also removed prints from our mystery cocktails. One half of our drinking duo was definitely Petty Officer Cove.
GIBBS: The other half?
ABBY: Well, it's a work in progress, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Tell me you have more to this, Abby.
ABBY: Have I ever let you down? Don't answer that. Um, I'm using my mass spectrometer to break down the molecular structure of the cocktails in question.
TONY: Guessing that's where all these come in.
ABBY: Well, you guess correctly. I think I've made over one hundred delightful beverages trying to find... the match. The weird thing is, this baby isn't in any bartending guide, anywhere. It's made out of Jagermeister...
MCGEE: Cherry soda, vanilla vodka, lemon juice, and a plash of Tabasco. It's called a "Hairy Hangover."
TONY: And you came to know this how, McGee?
MCGEE: I created it. Our missing Petty Officer is a character in my next book.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: (READING) "Cameron Meyer is a good old boy from Northern Virginia. He was born with not much, raised with even less. All he wants out of life is a good girl and a great truck. As of yesterday, he's halfway there. He dropped his life savings on a blue Ford Ranger."
TONY: That's it?
MCGEE: Tony, it's all here. The fuzzy dice, the cinnamon rolls, red track jacket. Petty Officer Cove is Cameron Meyer.
ZIVA: Uh, but how is that possible, McGee?
MCGEE: My writing isn't entirely fiction, okay? My stories are...sometimes I base my characters on people I...
TONY: Work with?
MCGEE: See. People I see.
GIBBS: You've seen Petty Officer Cove before?
MCGEE: Every morning at my coffee shop.
ZIVA: But how come you didn't recognize his photograph?
MCGEE: He only uses the drive-thru. To me he's just the "large coffee, with the cinnamon roll" guy in a blue pickup truck. I never saw his face.
TONY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Back up. Your coffee shop has a drive-thru? That's... that's not important.
ZIVA: Just because you based your character on a person who is missing does not necessarily mean the two of them are related, McGee.
GIBBS: Yeah, it does. You created the drink.
MCGEE: Made it up about a month ago.
GIBBS: How did two glasses of it get from your head to inside Petty Officer Cove's house?
TONY: Someone's read your book.
GIBBS: Are your papers under lock and key?
MCGEE: Well, I sent my publisher a copy a couple weeks ago, but, you know, I'm sure she...
GIBBS: Address.
MCGEE: (BEAT) Um...Boss, there's more. After Deep Six hit stores, my publishing firm received a ton of emails addressed to Thom E. Gemcity.
TONY: Tons?
MCGEE: Most of them were autograph requests, or feedback on the novel. But in the last couple weeks, my publisher says that we've gotten some really weird letters. Borderline obsessive. I didn't say anything because I assumed they were harmless.
GIBBS: Dinozzo, with me. McGee, you stay here with Ziva. Start going through your book.
MCGEE: What exactly am I looking for?
GIBBS: Answers, McGee!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CRAWSHAW'S OFFICE - DAY
RYDER: Miss Crawshaw will be with you shortly.
TONY: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
RYDER: Is there anything else I can get you while you wait?
TONY: Yeah. A barf bag.
RYDER: I'm sorry?
CRAWSHAW: Todd, black tea, lemon, crab salad, arugula. (TO GIBBS) You're Timothy's people.
GIBBS: A few weeks ago, he sent you a draft of his next book.
CRAWSHAW: Partial. It wasn't finished yet.
TONY: Yeah, it still isn't, is it?
GIBBS: How many of your people here have read the book?
CRAWSHAW: Zero. No one in my agency has access to advance material without the writer's consent.
GIBBS: Except you.
CRAWSHAW: Writers are notoriously insecure. Soft, even.
TONY: Well, that doesn't sound like our little Timmy McGee, now, does it?
CRAWSHAW: Whether they ask for it or not, I provide coddling, prodding, protection. Anything it takes to keep those elusive muses singing.... Agent...
GIBBS: Gibbs.
CRAWSHAW: Here you go. Rock Hollow; The Continuing Adventures of L.J. Tibbs. How's this connected with your investigation?
TONY: A person's missing. We believe it's related to the contents of that book.
CRAWSHAW: Oh, I guess I just made myself your prime suspect.
GIBBS: Sounds about right.
CRAWSHAW: I may be the only one in the firm who's read it, Agent Gibbs, but I can guarantee you I'm not the only one in the city.
TONY: McGee hasn't given the book to anyone else, Ms. Crawshaw.
CRAWSHAW: Obsessed fans always find a way to get material early. They dig through trash, hack computers, anything short of writing it themselves. And believe me, Timothy has some of the craziest fans I've ever seen.
GIBBS: Yeah, we know about the letters.
CRAWSHAW: Yeah, there are three that stand out. Todd! Bring me those three...
RYDER: Gemcity letters?
CRAWSHAW: No return addresses. Each one's stranger than the last. I bet the psychopath you're looking for is somewhere in that envelope.
TONY: What makes you think we're looking for a psychopath?
CRAWSHAW: Don't you read crime novels? They are always psychopaths.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY
DUCKY: (READING) "I am sending this letter to express my gratitude for the literary gift you've given me. The majesty of your writing is far beyond anything this planet has ever seen."
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: A rave review.
DUCKY: Rave indeed, Jethro. Yeah. In fact, it's quite possible that Michael is Timothy's greatest admirer.
GIBBS: Admirer or stalker, Duck?
DUCKY: At this point I'd say he is no immediate threat to himself or anyone else.
GIBBS: At this point?
DUCKY: Well, one does not become a predatory stalker overnight, Jethro. The mind typically goes through three stages. This letter, strange as it may seem, is only at stage one. The attraction stage.
GIBBS: And the other two?
DUCKY: Well, on the surface, this letter written by Andrew, would appear more normal. But phrases like "I breathe for your words," and "you need me," might suggest...
GIBBS: .... otherwise.
DUCKY: But because of that sense of desperation, I'd categorize that letter as stage two; obsession.
GIBBS: What's stage three?
DUCKY: Well, read for yourself.
GIBBS: (READS) "I know you think of me often, just as I think of you. Please don't make me do something we'll both regret."
DUCKY: Now that letter has an aggressive and threatening tone. For that reason, it falls into the final stage; destruction.
GIBBS: Three letters. Three stages.
DUCKY: I know what you're thinking, Jethro. That it's no coincidence. Although the letters may appear to be very different, the writing style is nearly identical in all three.
GIBBS: The same person wrote all three?
DUCKY: And judging by the postmarks, the letters were written and sent over a period of several weeks, during which time the writer became increasingly delusional.
GIBBS: Motive?
DUCKY: Oh, I can't say for certain. But I say the answers can be found in Timothy's new book. The writer believes that Timothy's fiction is very much real.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND ZIVA READ THE SCRIPT)
MCGEE: Tony, about....
TONY: (PAUSE) Done.
MCGEE: So?
TONY: I'm confused.
MCGEE: This isn't a critique, okay? We're trying to find something useful - confused by what?
TONY: The plot, the back story. Pretty much everything. The whole thing doesn't make sense.
MCGEE: Ziva, what about you?
ZIVA: Um... not as confused as Tony.
MCGEE: Well, I haven't finished it yet. It's just a rough draft.
ZIVA: Very rough. I'm sorry, McGee.
TONY: Who's the killer anyway?
MCGEE: I don't know yet.
TONY: There's your problem. I mean, you always have to know where your story is going. That's fiction writing one-oh-one.
MCGEE: Not the way I choose to write, Tony.
TONY: And he wonders why he has writer's block.
MCGEE: Can we focus on the problem here? We've got a missing person, and our only lead is my book.
ZIVA: Well, that's not much of a lead.
TONY: She's right. We don't even know how the book factors in.
GIBBS: (V.O.) We do now! (ON CAMERA) The letters were written by the same person. He thinks the book is real.
ZIVA: And believes Petty Officer Cove is a part of it.
GIBBS: It means we're going to have to go everywhere he's been.
MCGEE: Well, we've already done that, though. His home, work, hangout spots.
GIBBS: I'm not talking about Petty Officer Cove. I'm talking about your good-old-boy with the pickup truck, Cameron Meyer.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. HIGHSIDE CREEK - DAY
ZIVA: High side Creek is where Cameron goes to clear his head.
MCGEE: Well, thematically, this location is very important, Boss.
TONY: You've been saying the same thing all morning, McGee.
GIBBS: Spread out.
TONY: Why would Cameron come to a picnic area to think?
ZIVA: In his book it's not a picnic area, it's his favorite fishing hole.
MCGEE: Thank you, Ziva.
TONY: Don't you think it's kind of a cliché to have your character alone, staring into the serene wilderness?
MCGEE: No. If it was, I wouldn't have written it, Tony.
TONY: I mean, knowing Cameron, if he was bummed out, wouldn't he just go to the Wing Shack with some buddies and toss back a few brews?
ZIVA: Or talk to a priest? Don't forget that he's very religious now that his father died.
TONY: Good point!
MCGEE: No, it isn't. Cameron keeps his emotions bottled up. When he's upset, he comes here. Afterwards, he always feels better.
GIBBS: Not always.
MCGEE: (PAUSE) That's him. That's Petty Officer Cove.
ZIVA: Then who is this?!
MCGEE: (LONG BEAT) That's Jerrod Brenner. That's another character from my book.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. HIGHSIDE CREEK - DAY
DUCKY: Two bodies, both with nearly identical stab wounds in the chest and abdomen. It appears that Petty Officer Cove may have put up a bit of a struggle. Note the remnants of skin tissue and blood under the fingernails. Now, both men have been deceased for less than twenty-four hours.
ZIVA: That is not all they have in common, Ducky.
TONY: They're also both characters in McGeek's next book.
DUCKY: Yes, from what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes, I hear that it's an Army...
MCGEE: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that...
GIBBS: Army what, McGee?
MCGEE: Uh...Lieutenant... Colonel.... Lieutenant Colonel...
GIBBS: We got a murder weapon, Duck?
DUCKY: Yes, well that's where things get interesting, Jethro. Both wounds are circular, about one inch in diameter.
TONY AND ZIVA: (IN UNISON) Javelin.
MCGEE: Chapter Four, my characters Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner - they murder a convenience store clerk to cover up an extortion.
TONY: Javelin. Believe it or not.
DUCKY:
DUCKY: That is for what they were originally intended, Anthony. A javelin is a modern day murder weapon. I applaud your creativity, McGee. Of course, well, given the circumstances... oh, dear. (CONT.) Now I'm going to have to read his new book.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Petty Officer Darren Cove and Adrian Corbette - the inspiration behind two of McGee's characters, Cameron Meyer and Jerrod Brenner.
GIBBS: Any other connection?
MCGEE: Not that we've found. Corbett worked as a valet at Alfonso's Steakhouse.
TONY: Your favorite.
MCGEE: That's how I got to know him. For my book, I borrowed his physical details - the nose ring, birthmark on the face and the neck.
GIBBS: Where's his job?
MCGEE: Valet at a steakhouse. But I did change the name of the restaurant.
TONY: From Alphonso's to Alfredo's. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out.
GIBBS: The note from Petty Officer Cove's apartment.
TONY: "One down, two to go," means the killer's not finished.
GIBBS: How many more of your characters did you base on real people? (BEAT) Hey! How many?
MCGEE: Just the team. You, Tony, Ziva, everyone. Are you happy, Tony? I finally admitted it. I based both my novels on your guys.
GIBBS: That means we're all potential targets.
MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry!
GIBBS: Ducky, Abby, Palmer... twenty-four hour security detail until we find this psycho.
ZIVA: Twenty-seven javelins sold in the D.C. area in the past six months. Twenty-one were paid for by credit cards. All by track coaches and athletic directors.
GIBBS: What about the last six?
ZIVA: Cash transactions.
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: Yeah, Gibbs.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I've got something for you, Gibbs.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I got it, Abs. We'll be right down. (TO TONY) Go! Go! (TO MCGEE) Not you.
MCGEE: Two men are dead because of me, Boss.
GIBBS: You got a javelin, McGee?
MCGEE: No, but I own a typewriter.
GIBBS: It's a typewriter. Not a shotgun.
MCGEE: It caused two men their lives because I based my fictional book on real people.
GIBBS: Then put these on.
(SFX: HANDCUFFS CLATTER TO THE TABLE)
GIBBS: You just confessed, right?
MCGEE: Not exactly.
GIBBS: There's no mid-ground, McGee. You either put on the cuffs, or you find who's responsible.
MCGEE: How?
GIBBS: This guy's inside your head. You get inside his.
MCGEE: Boss, it's not that simple. I still don't even know what my story is!
GIBBS: You figure it out, McGee! You write the ending to this, or the killer will!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
ZIVA: Well, McGee feels bad enough.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
TONY: Only makes it worse that he admitted it.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE SHUT)
ZIVA: It was no secret he was writing about us.
TONY: Oh, come on. It's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
ZIVA: The memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
TONY: Yeah. Where's he getting that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
TONY: Yeah. I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming. I don't even know what that is.
ZIVA: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
TONY: Would never happen.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: What do you got, Abs?
ABBY: Three hours sleep. My apartment flooded last night. Did you know that trying to flush voodoo dolls down the toilet is a bad idea?
TONY: I do now.
ABBY: Where's Gibbs?
ZIVA: He's chomping out McGee.
TONY: Chewing.
ABBY: So a little birdie told me that both of you have read the first half of McGee's new book.
TONY: A little birdie, huh?
ABBY: And don't even ask, because I will not reveal my source even if you torture me.
ZIVA: Ducky?
ABBY: Yes! All right. Let's hear it.
TONY: Hear what?
ABBY: The book! At the end of Deep Six, Goth Forensic Specialist Amy Sutton, she broke up with her boyfriend because she was dating somebody else. Who's the somebody else?
TONY: Oh, yeah. Um... yeah, that part didn't really come up, yet.
ZIVA: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it uh... in, you know, the second part of the book.
ABBY: You guys are so lying! (GASPS) He's gay! Ah, there's somebody else! I had a feeling, 'cause Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
GIBBS: Know what?
ABBY: Forensic Specialist Amy - she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Is that why I'm here?
ABBY: No.
GIBBS: Then Amy's on her own.
ABBY:
ABBY: (QUIETLY) We'll talk later. (TO GIBBS) Um, I ran the blood samples that we pulled off the two bodies. (CONT.) Petty Officer Cove had unidentified blood on his right forearm and hand - matched the blood from his house.
ZIVA: Our killer's DNA.
ABBY: I'm no investigator, but odds are you're right.
GIBBS: That's good work, Abs.
ABBY: I also checked Petty Officer Cove's Ford Ranger and Thom E. Gemcity's c-mail for prints.
TONY: C-mail?
ABBY: Yeah, it's like cookoo mail. No, no. I just made it up. Um... nothing on the truck. All the latent prints belonged to Petty Officer Cove. But on the c-mail, there's dozens of different prints.
TONY: Well, that makes sense. 'Cause paper mail gets processed through post offices, delivery trucks, mail rooms.
ABBY: Exactly. There's still one spot that only the sender touches.
ZIVA: The back of the stamp. You pulled a print?
ABBY: Not only did I pull a print, I already got a match. Todd Ryder. Arrested last year for possession of marijuana. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY
(SFX: AUTOPSY DRAWERS SLIDE OPEN)
DUCKY: Looking for something, Timothy?(SFX: DRAWERS SLIDE CLOSED)
MCGEE: MCGEE: I'm just looking. Petty Officer Cove wasn't just a partier. I... called his elderly parents. He visited them two hours every single day. (CONT.) This guy, Adrian Corbett, he just got married.
DUCKY: Yes. I took off his wedding ring.
MCGEE: Not quite the notorious playboy I made him out to be.
DUCKY: Appearances can be deceptive.
MCGEE: Every single word I wrote was wrong.
DUCKY: No, every word you wrote was fiction. That's why they call them characters.
MCGEE: But they're not just characters in a book. They're real people, and real families. Were.
DUCKY: I sympathize with the way you feel, Timothy. But you are not to blame for any of this.(SFX: AUTOPSY DRAWERS SLIDE SHUT)
MCGEE: Tell them that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BUILDING - DAY
TONY: Todd!
TODD: Oh, god! Look out!
TONY: What do you call that?(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND GIBBS CHASE TODD)
GIBBS: Running, I think.(SFX: TODD SHOUTS)
TONY: Todd, hey!
GIBBS: Where's his car? Where's his car?!
EMPLOYEE: Employee lot. Around back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
TODD: (SHOUTS INTO PHONE) Get out of the building! They know! They're chasing me! Okay...
GIBBS: You should have left the top down. Put your hands on top of your head. (TO TONY) Nice of you to join us, Dinozzo.
TONY: I thought I was gaining ground. He's got a very unorthodox running style. It's very effective, though.
GIBBS: Not effective enough.
TODD: I didn't want to do it. I told her it was a bad idea.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
MCGEE: I actually trusted her.
ZIVA: There is no way you could have known, McGee.
TONY: Ziva's right, Probie. It's not your fault. But if you even think about writing a third novel, I'll kill you.
ZIVA: When Abby finds out who her character really feel in love with, you will already be dead.
(DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(DOOR CLOSES)
CRAWSHAW: I have been sitting here half the night, Agent Gibbs. What am I being charged with?
GIBBS: Tampering with a Federal investigation.
CRAWSHAW: That's ridiculous. I've answered every question you've asked.
GIBBS: Resisting arrest.
CRAWSHAW: I told you already. I wasn't running. I was late for an appointment.
GIBBS: And murder.
CRAWSHAW: You think I murdered someone?
GIBBS: Their names are Petty Officer Darren Cove and Adrian Corbett.
CRAWSHAW: Never heard of them.
GIBBS: Okay. Well, how about Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner? Have you heard of them?
CRAWSHAW: I think so. They're characters in Tim's next book.
GIBBS: The book someone is killing over.
CRAWSHAW: Too bad you can't find them.
GIBBS: I think we have. You wrote the letters.
CRAWSHAW: What? Why would I?
GIBBS: Todd gave you up. He said you told him to mail the letters back to the agency.
CRAWSHAW: (BEAT) Well, I can explain.
GIBBS: Well, I sure hope so.
CRAWSHAW: I wrote the letters, but only to create a bigger buzz. Stalkers mean more press, more press means increased revenue.
GIBBS: You made up a stalker to sell more books?
CRAWSHAW: Yes, I did.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
TONY: She's lying.
ZIVA: If she is, she's quite good.
TONY: She publishes fictional novels for a living, Ziva. She knows how to tell a good story.
MCGEE: I'm with Ziva. This woman lives to sell books.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
CRAWSHAW: Look, it may sound unorthodox, but I do one interview about those letters and Gemcity's book sales jump through the roof.
GIBBS: I didn't think he needed the help.
CRAWSHAW: There is no such thing as enough sales. What I did might be wrong, but there's no way I could ever kill anyone.
GIBBS: Why should I believe you?
CRAWSHAW: Those letters were a strategic business move. I would do anything to help my client sell more books.
GIBBS: Anything?
TONY: (V.O.) Well played, Boss.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
TONY: You'll get her in round two.(DOOR CLOSES)
GIBBS: There won't be a round two, Dinozzo.
TONY: But she didn't break.
GIBBS: I know. I was there.
MCGEE: She didn't do it, did she?
GIBBS: She's your publisher. You tell me.
MCGEE: I think she's telling the truth.
ABBY: That makes two of us. I compared Crawshaw's DNA to the mystery blood pulled off of Petty Officer Cove. She did not do it.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: I've read this a thousand times, and I've come up with nothing.
ZIVA: Then maybe we should spitball ideas and see what sticks. (BEAT) What? Did I say it wrong?
TONY: No, you got that right.
MCGEE: No, that's good. So let's start with what we know. Campfire.
TONY: Well, we know there's a killer on the loose. One down, two to go. And he's already killed number two.
ZIVA: In your book, Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner only have two things in common.
MCGEE: They extorted money and both murdered a convenience store clerk.
ZIVA: Maybe the killer was seeking revenge for the clerk's death.
MCGEE: No. The clerk's a throw-away character. I didn't even bother to name him. Besides, the stalker letters are fake. So we don't even know that he's delusional.
GIBBS: He murdered two characters in a work of fiction, McGee.
MCGEE: Okay, so he's probably delusional. But that doesn't mean he's looking for revenge.
TONY: You gotta have motive, Probie.
MCGEE: Well, I am not convinced that the answer is in my book, Tony.
ZIVA: Maybe the answer is in how he got the book.
MCGEE: He definitely didn't get it from Crawshaw. She'd never do anything to jeopardize sales.
GIBBS: It means he got it from you.
MCGEE: Well, I keep everything locked up.
GIBBS: It wasn't a question. It's you or Crawshaw.
TONY: Trust your instincts, Tim. They're usually right. Take the lead on this one. All we can do is assist.
MCGEE: Okay. From the beginning, page one. (MCGEE WALKS O.S.)
TONY: I'd say we played that one nicely, Boss. The whole good guy, bad guy technique.
GIBBS: Dinozzo.
TONY: Yeah?
GIBBS: Assist.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS)
TONY: Hold the elevator!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
TONY: Ooh. Ah! I am using muscles I didn't even know I had! No wonder you only got to chapter six.
MCGEE: Chapter seven.
(SFX: MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)
MCGEE: It's jazz. Helps me clear my mind.
GIBBS: No. Coletrane is jazz, McGee. This is a soundtrack to a bad seventies porno shot in the San Fernando Valley.
MCGEE: I'm just trying to reenact every detail of my writing process here, okay?
TONY: (LOUDLY) I'm sorry. Did you say something? My ears are bleeding and I can't... I can't...
(MUSIC OUT)
TONY: Thank you.
MCGEE: I was trying to show you what I do when I get stuck.
TONY: Blocked.
MCGEE: Whatever. Up... come on.
TONY: I'm in the middle!
MCGEE: Up! Okay, sometimes when I'm in trouble, I take a few minutes to free-write.
TONY: Free-write?
MCGEE: Stream of consciousness. About my characters, my story arcs, my possible plot lines, everything. No filter.
TONY: No filter.
MCGEE: Whatever pops in my head goes right to the page.
TONY: Ah. Write. Be free! Just do it. Free write! Be free. I get it.
MCGEE: If I like it, I put it in my binder. If not...
(SFX: PAPER SHREDDER)
TONY: Do you always use your shredder?
MCGEE: Always.
TONY: Do you ever just take a stack of pages and toss it in the trash?
MCGEE: Never.
TONY: Did you ever misplace a binder, or lost a copy of a book?
MCGEE: No, and no. The only way the killer got my book is if he broke into my apartment, made a copy, and returned the original. I am a Federal investigator, so I'm sure I would know if someone tried to break into my place.
TONY: We're missing something.
MCGEE: And while we're trying to figure it out, he is planning on how to kill his next victim.
TONY: Or he's already killed them. Sorry. I was just... free-thinking.
MCGEE: It's like he's here in the room with me, looking over my shoulder as I write.
TONY: Type. Because technically, what you do is type. You don't really write. That would be ...
MCGEE: I type. That's how he does it.
TONY: Looked over your shoulder?
MCGEE: I type. (LOUDLY) Tony, I type!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
MCGEE: Boss, I got it!
ZIVA: Film?
MCGEE: It's from my typewriter.
GIBBS: Typewriter ribbons.
MCGEE: That's how the killer read my book.
ZIVA: Well, where did he get the ribbons?
TONY: Trash. Killer must have picked them out of McGee's dumpster.
MCGEE: That means he had access to all my notes and my ideas.
ZIVA: Which means the murders may not be based on just the book.
MCGEE: All these pages are a product of my free-writing.
ZIVA: (WHISPERS) Free-writing?
TONY: I'll explain it later.
MCGEE: One of my many possible endings involves Cameron Meyer and Jerrod Brenner killing me - Agent McGregor. It's a character I based on myself.
ZIVA: If the killer is confusing fiction with reality, then you've got a motive.
GIBBS: He's protecting you.
TONY: He's already killed two of the characters. Who's the third?
MCGEE: I haven't decided yet. But Meyer and Brenner are the only characters that wanted me - McGregor dead.
TONY: They why does he think there are three?
MCGEE: I don't know. I decided it'd be stupid to kill McGregor. Everyone likes him too much.
ZIVA: Well, not everyone. (READS) "Forensic Specialist Amy Sutton offered her heart to Agent McGregor only to be rejected. Using sign language, she tells her deaf mother that she can't live without him. He's going to have to go."
MCGEE: Yeah, "go" as in leave the agency. Not "go" as in "go."
GIBBS: Does the killer know that?
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ABBY'S LAB - NIGHT
GIBBS: Abby!
ZIVA: She's not answering her cell.
GIBBS: Security detail?
TONY: Shift change; they just arrived on duty outside her apartment.
MCGEE: She's gone.
ZIVA: She's not answering her home phone either, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Send them in.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Secure the apartment!
MCGEE: No, she's not there. Uh... her apartment's flooded. She's staying with Sister Rosita and the girls.
ZIVA: Sister Rosita?
MCGEE: From her bowling team.
TONY: The bowling nuns.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS CLOSE)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS/ VIBRATES)
(SFX: ABBY GASPS)
LANDON: Hi, Amy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - NIGHT
MCGEE: Still no answer.
GIBBS: Call again, McGee.
MCGEE: I can't believe I let this happen.
ZIVA: Abby knows how to take care of herself, McGee.
TONY: And she's got a crew of nuns watching her back.
MCGEE: Nuns are on a spiritual retreat. She's on her own.
(SFX: CAR ACCELERATES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
ABBY: Are you... here to see someone? Um... because the sisters - they're gone....for a minute. They went to the church and should be back anytime.
LANDON: If you were smart, you would've just let him go, Amy.
ABBY: My name's Abby.
LANDON: I know rejection is hard. But let's face it, you're not good enough for him anyway.
ABBY: Good enough for who?
LANDON: Special Agent McGregor.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CAR - NIGHT
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP)
GIBBS: You two take the back. McGee, you're with me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONVENT - NIGHT
ABBY: I'm sure there's some sort of communication problem here.
LANDON: Don't talk to me like I'm stupid! I know what you said.
ABBY: That makes one of us.
LANDON: How were you planning to do it, huh?
ABBY: Do what?
LANDON: Kill him. With poison? I bet with your forensic training, I'll bet you could come up with something pretty - I wouldn't do that.
(SFX: KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE PLATE)
LANDON: I will say, I've always respected your courage, Amy.
TONY: (SHOUTS) Drop your weapon!
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) He said drop it! Now!
LANDON: Officer Lisa! Agent Tommy. I'm afraid I can't do that. You don't know it yet, but your partner's in danger!
MCGEE: Landon? Landon, what are you doing?
LANDON: I'm protecting you.
ABBY: McGee, who is this guy?
MCGEE: He's a friend.
LANDON: Don't! I have to do this!!
MCGEE: Landon, she's not going to hurt me. It's just a book. It's not--
GIBBS: Finished yet. Tell him the ending, Agent McGregor. Tell him what happens.
MCGEE: It's not what you think, Landon. Amy and I ... Amy and I get married.
LANDON: (LONG BEAT) You... you marry her?
MCGEE: Yeah, I do. That means that if you kill her, you're killing the only woman I ever loved. Landon, I really do love her! It just took me a while to figure it out.
(ALL MOVE TOWARD LANDON)
LANDON: I was only trying to help.
GIBBS: You killed two people.
LANDON: I had no choice. They set a wedding date yet?
TONY: Guest list is full, buddy.
GIBBS: Are you okay, Abs?
ABBY: Oh, with the amount of bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spiderman.
MCGEE: Abby, I am so sorry.
ABBY: We need to talk.
MCGEE: I know this is all my fault.
ABBY: Agent McGregor cannot marry Amy in the end. McGee, they're all wrong for each other.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)


Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Monica: I'm glad you're here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh...
Ross: What's the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, it's just y'know...
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel: (crying) It'll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh...
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Chandler: Too?
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and...
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
All: Oh!!
Chandler: That's great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, it's a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It's ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had s*x in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It's winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: She's my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces, I mean I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Wouldn't you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Don't do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she's been on the show forever, it's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fall in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah... That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why...why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn't a date! That was, that was just friends getting together...(quietly) having s*x.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn't think I'd love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe: I don't know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh... (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel's hand and catches it.)
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
Dina: I'm going to keep dating him Mother, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least I'm not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina's head to her other shoulder so that she's the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: You're not the fan who's dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: I'm supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying, but that's not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: No. No, I'm Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I'm the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me...
Cecilia: I-I-I'm leaving the show?
Joey: (quickly) I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Joey: Umm...
Cecilia: Y'know what? It doesn't matter! Because it is not true!
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I've been playing for 20 years-I'll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: Ms. Monroe... (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that's not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don't we, why don't we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Rachel: I don't think so.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I'd bet you'd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I'm sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn't telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat's a steak house!
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that's one for you.
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you don't know that's Barney's the store! That can be y'know his friend's house, or a bar. Who has Barney's the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think it's the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Y'know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You're half Scottish right?"
Monica: Nooo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
[Cut to Ross's apartment, he is playing the Bagpipes, badly. He's worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It's not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: How are ya?
Phoebe: Good.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy's cell phone?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didn't!
Rachel: No? So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
Phoebe: No. Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe's bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe's handbag.)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy's phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It's for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
(The cute guy's phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that's him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It's Rach... (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel's hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You can't do th...
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I'm on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It's umm, it's umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y'know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I'll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just...be alone y'know to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?! That's the first time today!
Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I'm partial to...
Dina: (interrupting) I'm 16.
Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia: (walking up) You're absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently it's going to be very soon and that's it.
Joey: I'm so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I can't believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh you're right. Thank you! What's your name again?
Joey: Joey.
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
The Writer: It wasn't my decision!
Cecilia: (to him) I'm having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I'm really nervous about-about being you. Y'know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y'know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh that's great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: You're so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, I've been watching some tapes, how's this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never set foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Joey: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby's going on my résumé!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that's Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don't like anything from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: Well it's just my entire family was run out of Scotland by...Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: No! No-no they're not. They're still very angry! But y'know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more...
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross: How did you know about that?!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: That's not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Come on that's not fair! I mean you haven't even heard me play!
Chandler: We have heard you play.
Ross: No, you've heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I'm not going to tell you what song I'm gonna play either. But uh, let's just say when it's over I'll bet there will be a wee bit o' celebration.
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He's not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
Cecilia: Right. He's not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it's a little weird, but it's getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I don't know what I'm going to do! I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Oh well-Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y'know? It'll-it'll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You're so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don't know, you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey: Hey that's not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb-Angelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably should've just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y'know I just got so comfy here! And... Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, let's just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey: (impressed) Wow!
Cecilia: But... Well now, now's a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on, don't-don't-don't do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She's not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I'm hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh...
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the... (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man's face. (She does so.)
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that 'cause she's so passionate?
Cecilia: No! It's because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands may be a little off, they should be maybe right like... (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
Guy: Hi! It's Tom, I'm here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well why shouldn't I?!
Phoebe: Because it's my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Tom: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel: (laughs) You're not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No that's my assistant.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
Tom: Sure!
Rachel: We'll be right back sir.
Tom: Sure.
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel: I don't know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
Phoebe: Hmm, they just don't make 'em like that anymore!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe: Rachel, listen-I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Phoebe: Yeah! You're such a great friend!
Rachel: Ohh...
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh that'd be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey's room followed by Joey.]
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, it's nice to know that you...
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica's.)
Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women's underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It's true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
Cecilia: Certainly.
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, you're a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really can't slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
Rachel: You are so beautiful.
Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you're great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I...
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I'm used to it, don't worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
Cecilia: What?
Joey: They sent me today's script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They don't?
Joey: Well no, I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh...
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, I'm guessing after this she's not going to be crazy about electricity either.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Ross: ...now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Rachel: No!
Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I'm still learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
Ross: One, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E's in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Ross: So?
Monica and Chandler: No!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica's horrible accident by drinking champagne.]
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother's horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)
Dina: I can't believe she's really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into a kiss but; they're stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: (as Jessica) I don't think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: What's the matter Dina? Don't you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh noo...
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Joey: Thanks!
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! Alright! Well-well what is it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No that's La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: That's a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again-That is-I tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You've, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the other's face like Jessica would do.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. We're seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer to come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.)
Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.)
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)