Opening scene - Hospital - the first thing we see is a black screen with the sound of a siren, and what sounds like a dispatch message. I cannot make out the actual words sorry. we see the hospital doors open and paramedics rushing a stretcher inside, there is a bright light so its difficult to see everything - all the talking in this scene is very echoey, and distant. it's very reflective of the situation. there are also a few voiceovers from 224, which I think were done great!)
Paramedic: I got a gun shot wound exited the right clavicle, punctured an artery
(we see a close up of Trey, and the other paramedic is holding a breathing thing over his mouth. a doctor comes down the corridor, putting a gown on)
Dr: he still alive
Paramedic: not for long
V.O Ryan: how could you man...I would'a done anything for you
(we see Trey kind of moving his head a little, then we see the ceiling of the hospital as if we are seeing what Trey is seeing. we then see Ryan & Marissa coming in through the hospital doors, they both look worried and scared)
V.O Trey: look man, it was messed up, I was stoned
(an officer comes into the shot and walks over to Ryan and Marissa as they are coming in)
Officer: we've still got some more questions for you
(Ryan walks passed the officer and over towards Trey)
Ryan: I've jus gotta see if he's gonna be ok
(we see Trey, still with the breathing thing over his mouth, being pushed away. there is another voice over here but its at the same time as the next line so I cant tell what it is, its possibly a scream/cry from Marissa)
Marissa: (worried, to a nurse) he's not gonna die, right
(behind Marissa we see Seth and Summer enter, they both look worried as well, and they are looking in the direction of Marissa/Ryan/Trey. behind them we can see the ambulance Trey came out of)
V.O Ryan: it wasn't my idea Trey, I didn't wanna steal that car
(we see another shot of Trey, which is a close up of his bloody face, and a little of his chest. here we see a bit of the hospital roof and light, but also blended into it is the scene where Trey pulled the gun on Ryan at his apartment in 224. its been done similar to how we saw the Ryan/Marissa 'who are you' scene during the Ryan/Lindsay car conversation of 208 . its a blink and you'll miss it deal :))
V.O Trey: hey man I went away for it an uh you got the good life
V.O Ryan: so you had to destroy it, you had to hurt her, huh
(the last thing we see is Trey pointing the gun at Ryan, then we see the hospital light again and Trey being rushed down the corridor. Ryan comes around the corner, behind Trey, the doctor and the paramedics)
Ryan: hey, he's my brother, is he gonna be ok
Dr: he'd be better if someone hadn't shot him
(the Dr and paramedics move the stretcher closer to the bed, nurses are also there)
Dr: he's lost alot of blood so (turns around and sees Ryan) Jesus what the hell happened'a you
Ryan: (looks at Dr) nothing I'm fine
Dr: (yells) could someone look at this kid
(Ryan turns away from the Dr and everything goes blurry)
Officer: just as soon as we're done talking to him
(we see a close up of Ryan, and he has a noticeable bruise, and bloody nose, he also looks out of it. he looks away from the officer and back at Trey. we see Trey being moved over to the bed, then someone squeezing the breathing thing over his mouth. we then see Marissa and Summer standing together near the hospital doors, an officer is with them)
Marissa: (yells) Ryan
(Ryan turns to face Marissa, she puts her hand out to Ryan helplessly)
Officer: (holding the gun) did you discharge this weapon man
Marissa: (looks at officer, frustrated) yes I already t-
Ryan: (yells urgently) don't answer him, don't say anything
(the officer near Ryan looks over towards Marissa, shocked. Marissa looks at Ryan and shrugs. the background goes out of focus, Seth comes into the shot clearly on the right hand side)
Seth: you ok (Ryan looks at him)
Dr: we're losing him
(Ryan turns towards where they are working on Trey. we see a very quick flashback of Trey and Ryan, then we see them still working on Trey, squeezing the breathing thing. Ryan looks away from Trey and back towards Seth, dazed. we see how Ryan is seeing, which is Seth as wavy, then squashed/ stretched)
Seth: you alright
(Ryan looks at Seth, blinking and breathing heavily. his vision is now bordering on blurry. we can see Marissa out of focus in the background still. Sandy comes through the hospital doors)
Sandy: Ryan (Ryan looks at him, still blinking and dazed) Seth...you ok
(Ryan is now seeing Sandy as short/fat, and wavy. we see Ryan looking at Sandy & Seth, growing more and more disoriented till he falls and passes out on the floor. we see what he is seeing as he falls, then we hear the thud and see Ryan on his stomach next to Treys bed. - we then abruptly cut to the pool house where Ryan has jolted himself awake. he blinks and slightly lifts his head, we can see a bit of sun on his cheek. he looks freaked out. he then lifts his head more and opens his eyes wider. he rubs his hand down his face, and sniffs. we then see Ryan sitting up on his elbow in bed, we can also see a silhouette at his door, and then we hear a knock. Seth opens the door and walks in, in true Seth style, lol)
Seth: hey man, I jus wanted you ta know that uh (stops and looks at Ryan worried) you ok
Ryan: (looks at Seth, then looks away and sighs) I just had the worst nightmare (raises eyebrows)
Seth: yeah, I got some...bad news
Ryan: it wasn't a dream (closes eyes) yeah, yeah I know (opens eyes)
Seth: well that lawyer guys on his way over so...
Ryan: (softly) thankyou
(Seth turns and leaves. we see a close up of Ryan who looks worried)
Cooper-Nichol veranda - we see an aerial shot of the pool, and Marissa and Summer sun-baking beside it. think 201. it then changes to a front on shot of them, but it's as if it's on top of the pool water, half way through Summers line it changes to a close up of them. Marissa has her head back, with sunglasses on
Summer: you know Coop, if you had of asked what we'd be doing the weekend before senior year (thinks) I probably would've said a road trip to Rosarito or rush week at SU with college boys
Marissa: an waiting to get charged with manslaughter
Summer: (shakes head) wouldnt'a made the list (looks at Marissa) mm-mm...(reassuringly) your gonna get through this Coop (looks at Marissa with one eye open, one closed from the sun) your innocent you were saving Ryan's life
Marissa: (lifts head) try explaining that to Ryan
Summer: he understands why you did it he's not mad (shakes head)
Marissa: its jus like this... weird horrible thing (lays head back) hanging over us...like the elephant in the room...or an intensive care unit
Summer: (frowns) before Trey I never actually knew anyone in a coma (shakes head) well I mean on the valley there's someone in a coma (Marissa frowns) like every week but I think they only do that so that when the person wakes up another actor can play the part (nods, confidently)
Marissa: (raises eyebrows) unfortunately if Trey wakes up he's still gonna be Trey...if he wakes up (looks down)
Summer: you've got'to admit Coop (Marissa looks at her) whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour, god that is SO-FREAKING-HOT (Marissa doesn't say anything) ...in a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way
Marissa: I really wish that helped me sleep at night Summer (puts head back)
Summer: (frowns, concerned) you're still not sleeping
Marissa: I shot someone Sum (Summer looks at her, then away) an even if he lives, which...is a big if, I'm still gonna have'to live with that for the rest of my life
Summer: (nods) oh (puts head back & closes eyes) senior year
Marissa: (scoffs) should be all time (half smiles)
(we see the backs of the pool chairs and a shot of the house)
CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy pours a whole pot of coffee into a tall mug
DDA: thaaanks a bunch, Sandy
Sandy: if a pot'n a half isn't enough to get you through the morning (holds out mug) I can make some more
DDA: that'd be great (drinks)
(Sandy looks at the DA and then picks up the pot to refill it)
Sandy: sorry for the mess, its ben a little hectic (looks over) Seth'll be right down
DDA: (frowns) and Mr. Atwood
Sandy: he's gettin' dressed, well the kids've ben through alot this summer with all this hangin over them, and now school is starting
DDA: which is why the DA wants to get moving, we waited as long as we could for the other Mr. Atwood to wake up but I'm getting alotta calls from parents...DA's under alotta pressure ta prosecute (drinks)
Sandy: except there's nothin ta prosecute, Marissa's protected under the defense of others (looks at DDA) of course your boss may not find that very sexy
DDA: quite true...(looks at Sandy) DA's not lookin to go after Marissa
Sandy: (looks at DDA, annoyed) Ryan's innocent...you got his statement at the scene an hers
DDA: look at the record Ryan's got, his history of violence...an Caleb Nichols daughters the one blowin away ex cons with a forty five
Sandy: (looks at DDA) she saved Ryan's life
DDA: what was he doin over at Treys in the first place, his brother tried to rape his girlfriend (Sandy pours more coffee) we've got cause
Sandy: yeah, an ya got witnesses
DDA: well the only people who saw the gun go off were Mr. Atwood Miss Cooper an the other Mr. Atwood, who (raises eyebrows) may or may not wake up
Sandy: (turns to face DDA) if you go after Ryan even if he's brought in on charges...social services could take him away from us
DDA: which explains Miss Coopers motivation to cover for him (nods confidently) Mr. Atwood's got alot more to lose
(Sandy glares at the DDA then turns back to the coffee)
DDA: where is your wife anyway
Sandy: (sighs) she's outta town
CUT TO: Suriak Treatment Centre garden - we see a close up of Kirsten, as the scene goes on we see that she is in a group therapy session and Dr Woodruff is there leading it
Kirsten: my name is Kirsten an I'm an alcoholic
Group: hi Kirsten
(we can now see they are all seated on chairs around the fountain)
Dr W: Kirsten your progress here at Suriak has ben...truly wonderful to watch (nods) your a model patient for...everyone here
(everyone looks towards Kirsten, however one patient near Kirsten looks more interested than the rest. a woman who is one person away from Kirsten, we find out later her name is Charlotte)
Kirsten: (shy) well I don't know about that...I mean Shelley is definitely better at poker (Shelley looks worried) she's cleaned me out
(everyone laughs)
Kirsten: (smiles, looks down) but...being here has given me the clarity to understand...why I turned to alcohol in the first place
Dr W: an...do you feel comfortable sharing with the group uh why that was
Kirsten: uh sure...I mean we're all in this together...I uh (thinks) I guess it begins and ends with my dad (nods, frowns) he was (shakes head, closes eyes) an amazing man (shrugs) but controlling...and...I realised that I was living his life not mine (Dr W listens) after my mother died I did everything (Charlotte is listening intently) I could to please him (sighs) but I realised that no matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried-
Charlotte: it was never enough (Kirsten looks at her) ...I'm sorry
Kirsten: (suprised) uh, no (looks at Charlotte) no its true it was never enough, became my mantra (smiles) ...I was never a good enough wife or a mom (raises eyebrows) because I wasn't a good enough daughter
Dr W: (points at Kirsten) the power that comes with that kind of difficult realisation, will be invaluable after you leave us
Kirsten: are you trying'to get rid'a me (smiles)
(everyone laughs)
Dr W: well, it sounds to me like uh Suriak's work is done (Kirsten smiles, then looks unsure) you'll need ta get a sponsor...an attend meetings...but there's no reason you can't do that from your home
(Charlotte looks at Kirsten, as if she knows Kirsten isn't ready yet)
Kirsten: great (forces a smile)
CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Ryan is sitting on one side of the table with his hands clasped together in front of him, and the DDA is sitting opposite him. Sandy is standing at the end of the table, close by. this scene changes between Ryan and Seth, kind of a blend of their 2 depositions so you'll know who's it was depending on who is talking, Ryan or Seth
DDA: Mr. Atwood (Ryan looks away) do you swear to tell the truth an nothing but the truth so help you god-
Ryan: (fed up) I do (sighs)
DDA: well then you won't mind if I record this deposition (slides recorder across the table)
Seth: sure, record it, release it on ITunes, I hope it's a really big hit
Sandy: (not amused) just answer the questions
Ryan: (looks at Sandy) I've already answered all of these questions (looks at DDA) I have nothing new'to say (looks down)
DDA: well your previous statement came at the hospital...it was traumatic its ben a couple'a months maybe you remember things differently now
Seth: I remember everything exactly as I told you
DDA: well then you can tell me again
Ryan: ...I (leans forward) confronted Trey about what had happened and that's when he pulled the gun on me
Seth: then we called Marissa to see if maybe she could stop Ryan
Ryan: an that's when Marissa saved my life
DDA: you mean, that's when Marissa shot Trey (Seth nods) an you witnessed the shooting
Seth: well it was clear w- when we got there what had happened
DDA: just answer the question
Ryan: (yells, fed up) no I did not (calmer) I didn't- (raises eyebrows) an-an an I didn't shoot him (Sandy looks at DDA)
DDA: young fingerprints are on the gun
Ryan: yeah because I put the safety back on to make sure it didn't go off again
(we see a close up of the recorder)
Ryan: we-we (agitated, sighs) ...we weren't exactly thinking at the time
DDA: so one final question, what were you afraid (frowns) was going to happen between Ryan an his brother...why were you trying to stop him
(Seth doesn't say anything, Sandy looks down)
DDA: you went to Treys that night to kill your brother (Ryan looks at him) didn't you Mr. Atwood
(Ryan swallows and doesn't say anything. we see a close up of the recorder just as it stops recording)
CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy is setting the table and Julie is in front of him looking at herself in the reflection of a window
Jimmy: (puts plate down) so what kind'a food d'you think prosecutors like
Julie: (fixes hair) cause that's what's important here Jimmy (sighs, turns around) ok so (holds out hands) does this look like the outfit the mother of an innocent girl would wear
Jimmy: yeah well at least somebody has their priorities in order...
Julie: (sighs) I just hope Marissa listens to me, and our attorney, the last thing we need is her admitting ta the DA that she shot someone
Jimmy: Jules (looks at Julie, confused) she already admitted it
Julie: she wasn't in a right frame of mind when she spoke to the police...its not like she's a trained assassin
Jimmy: uh-huh so-so (frowns) what's our story, Trey shot himself...in the back
Julie: no, Jimmy, be reasonable
Jimmy: she's not gonna lie an say Ryan did it, they already have her statement
Julie: nobody believes her, they all think she's protecting him
Jimmy: (looks at Julie) so you want Ryan to go away for this
Julie: ...all I know is that before he moved to Newport our lives were alot more normal, stable
Jimmy: (nods) uh-huh so it's his fault that I went bankrupt an nearly went to jail, an you married Caleb Nichol (raises eyebrows) only to watch him drown in a pool annnn Trey got shot (moves closer to Julie)
Julie: (not amused) Jimmy, not everything I say is meant literally, I'm venting (faces Jimmy) look I wish none'a this ever happened but it did, an we have a chance to be a family again...I don't wanna lose that (Jimmy puts his hand on her shoulder) l w- put out some crudités' an the guda ill go see if Marissa's out of the shower
(Julie goes inside and Jimmy turns around, looking worried)
CUT TO: Pool House - Ryan comes out of the bathroom with a towel over his shoulder and Seth comes to the open doors from outside
Seth: (calls out) hey, you decent (Ryan shuts the bathroom door) thought maybe you could...use a post-depo-dip
Ryan: (holds up the towel) I just showered
Seth: mmm a fair point, then we'll stay away from aquatic activity something land locked maybe
Ryan: (thinks) I'm gonna visit Trey
Seth: I was gonna go with a movie, this bein the time when Hollywood dumps their crappy would be blockbusters which we could mock (touches his chest) an thus feel better about ourselves
Ryan: (ignoring Seth, stands) you got the keys (raises eyebrows)
Seth: but (puts up finger) visiting your comatose brother in the I.C.U that's...also an excellent way ta relax an blow off steam so ill drive
Ryan: awesome
(Seth turns around and goes out the doors. Ryan is behind him)
CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy, Julie, the DDA from earlier and Mr. Esbenshade are standing together near the table
Julie: (holding jug) Mr. Caldwell, would you like some more lemonade (smiles) Mr. Esbenshade
(Mr. Esbenshade shakes his head and mouths 'no thanks' at Julie)
Julie: oh come on its ok for a prosecutor an defense attorney to have a glass of lemonade together (Mr. Esbenshade smiles) we're all human beings here
Jimmy: (frowns) I'm not so sure about these guys
(Julie turns around and looks at Jimmy. Marissa and Summer come out the door)
DDA: Miss Cooper
(Marissa and Summer reluctantly walk over, they both look unsure)
DDA: I'm Deputy District Attorney Chris Caldwell ill be conducting this deposition
Marissa: hi (looks down) uh where do you want us ta sit
DDA: actually (looks at Summer) Miss Roberts cant be present (Marissa frowns) we wouldn't want you influencing her testimony
Marissa: (confused) she (points) knows what you know which is the truth, which is what I already told you people
DDA: Miss Roberts (raises eyebrows) if you could please wait inside
(Summer doesn't know what to do. Marissa and Summer look at each other)
Julie: Summer, we have HBO on demand, every season of s*x and The City, knock yourself out
(Summer looks at Julie. Marissa looks down, sadly. the mean DDA guy from earlier takes out the recorder and puts it on the table)
Summer: Mariss you'll be ok, I'm jus gonna wait inside
Marissa: (to Julie & Jimmy) look I already told everybody everything, I don't wanna have'to go through this again (Jimmy looks down) talk about all of it in front of these strangers (points)
Esbenshade: Marissa I need to remind you this deposition is binding, your testimony in court can't waver from what is said here
Marissa: (frustrated) I already told the truth so what's the problem
DDA: the problem, Miss Cooper, is that your testimony lacks credibility
(Summer Marissa and Esbenshade look at him, Marissa looks down. Julie looks at Jimmy)
DDA: Miss Roberts please wait inside
(DDA, Marissa & Mr. Esbenshade go to sit at the table)
Jimmy: come on Summer
(Jimmy puts his hand on Summers back and leads her inside)
DDA: now Miss Cooper, I'm going to have'to swear you in
(Marissa turns to look at Summer, we see a close up of her face and she looks vulnerable. Summer looks at Marissa helplessly before going inside - i just have to say that you can really see how much Marissa/Summer need each other in this scene)
Julie: it'll be ok Marissa
(Marissa glances at Julie before looking down, upset)
CUT TO: The I.C.U - as the camera pans across we see through the blinds that Ryan is sitting next to Treys bed, we can also hear some hospital announcements faintly. the shot changes and we can now see that Seth is also in the room, leaning against the door frame. Trey is still in a coma and Ryan is leaning forward staring at him
Seth: I kinda like him this way he's a better listener (Ryan blinks and looks down) ...sorry, I get talkative around coma patients it's a (frowns) compensation thing, ill give you guys a minute
Ryan: wait just uh
(Ryan turns to Seth then back to Trey, he stands and leaves the room. the camera zooms in on Treys hand and after a few seconds his pinky finger very noticeably moves - out in the corridor Ryan and Seth are walking together)
Ryan: sorry man (raises eyebrows) I don't even know why I came here (Seth listens) that night I wanted to kill him now id do anything to take it back
Seth: well you can't blame yourself an you can't change what happened
Ryan: yeah but I mean Trey could'a tried to make it work, living in town I mean I had my brother here
(Ryan and Seth are now outside near the ambulance bay)
Ryan: now everything's screwed up an he's the only family I got left
Seth: (looks at Ryan) well that's not exactly true
(Ryan realises and half smiles then looks down. back in Treys room we see the monitor that he's hooked up to, that goes out of focus and Treys head comes into focus, his eyes suddenly open and look around)
CUT TO: Cohen living room - on the TV we see a video game of baseball being played. half way through Seth's lines we see that Ryan and Seth are sitting on the couch together
Seth: ok I jus have'to say that I still support the recent decision (Ryan looks at him) (swallows) in the wake of all the violence we've experienced to ban any games with ninjas or guns (frowns)
Ryan: yeah, but?
Seth: weeell it's just I don't understand any of the rules to this..."baseball" they call it
Ryan: (looks at Seth) you mean America's pastime
Seth: (looks at Ryan, unsure) eah, feels like more of a fad to me buddy I don't really see it catchin on
Ryan: (nods) sure (frowns) hey you called Marissa an Summer right
(phone rings. Seth gets up to answer it)
Seth: they're with the dark lords son or whatever the DA's name is, did that guy blink once during your deposition...he didn't even have eyelids (answers phone) hello...oh I'm sorry he's not in right now can I take a message...ok thankyou (hangs up)
(Seth looks over at Ryan, Ryan looks at Seth)
Seth: that was the hospital Trey woke up
(Ryan looks at Seth, stunned)
CUT TO: Suriak T.C - Kirsten is sitting out the front by herself. Charlotte goes over to her
Charlotte: Kirsten, right (holds hand out) hi I'm Charlotte Morgan, I'm so sorry about interrupting you in group
Kirsten: (shakes hand) oooh no no that's ok (smiles)
Charlotte: (sits next to Kirsten) when I heard you talking it was like you were describing my life...the rich dominating father the high pressure...nothing was (raises eyebrows) ever good enough
Kirsten: eah I'm jus glad I didn't bore you (laughs)
Charlotte: no it was amazing, I mean to hear someone on the same journey as me...well, obviously your a little further along (smiles) I couldnt've ever admitted all that (Kirsten raises her eyebrows then looks down) your so brave an honest
Kirsten: I don't know about that but thankyou (smiles, nods)
Charlotte: d'you wanna maybe get coffee sometime, we can...talk trash about our dads
Kirsten: (suprised) sure id love to (smiles)
(we hear the sound of a car horn)
Charlotte: ok (smiles)
(we see Sandy pull up in a gorgeous black Lexus)
Kirsten: ahh, that's my husband
(Sandy has a huge smile on his face, Kirsten looks just as excited as he does! aww)
Charlotte: oh well, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time (smiles) goodbye
Kirsten: bye
(Charlotte walks off as Sandy gets out of the car. Kirsten goes over to him. Sandy has a HUGE smile on his face, and giggles)
Kirsten: (touches Sandy shoulders) look at you
(Sandy puts his hands on Kirsten's back, gently holding her. they look at each other then kiss! we see Charlotte watching them with a weird look on her face. we then see Kirsten and Sandy again, they are now in an adorable hug. Sandy has his head buried in Kirsten's neck then they pull apart. Charlotte is still watching, after a few seconds she leaves. the next thing we see is Sandy and Kirsten walking together near the fountain. Sandy is holding Kirsten's hand in his, and has his other hand on top. Kirsten puts her head on his shoulder. awww)
Kirsten: (trying not to laugh) so it exploded all over the kitchen
Sandy: ahh the microwave mostly
Kirsten: an entire jar of peanut butter
Sandy: oh we were tryin'a make peanut butter cookies as a suprise for you (Kirsten smiles) (frowns) it seemed like such a good idea at the time
Kirsten: well it's a well known science factoid that metal plus heat equals...
Sandy: peanut butter everywhere (Kirsten smiles) these are just a few'a the lessons we three struggling handsome bachelors are learnin every week (laughs)
Kirsten: oh, sounds like you have a reality series here (smiles adoringly)
Sandy: no, I hope it's not a reality for too long (looks at Kirsten adoringly)
(Kirsten doesn't say anything)
Sandy: (looks down) so...you should be comin home any day now right (Kirsten looks at Sandy) just give me a heads up so I can make sure the house is liveable (nods)
Kirsten: (thrown) yeah I-I just have'to sit down with (shrugs) Dr Woodruff soon an-an see what's going on (nods) see if I'm eligible (raises eyebrows)
(Sandy looks at Kirsten. his cell phone rings)
Sandy: (looks at phone) oh (answers) hey Seth, I'm here with mom (Kirsten smiles) huh...well thanks for calling...ill see you when I get back at the house (hangs up)
Kirsten: is everything ok
Sandy: yeah, he says hi, that he misses you
Kirsten: mm-hmm
Sandy: I better get going (Kirsten nods) get back ta work
(Sandy kisses Kirsten hard on the mouth, and holds her face in his hands. aww. they smile at each other)
Sandy: jus let me know what the doctor says
Kirsten: (nods, softly) ok
Sandy: alright
(Sandy takes Kirsten's hands in his and then let's go as he starts to leave. Kirsten watches him go. she sighs heavily and looks worried)
CUT TO: The Beach - we see Marissa sitting by herself staring out towards the water. we then see a car pull up. Marissa looks over and we see Ryan get out. Marissa stands, and Ryan walks over to her
Marissa: hey, so what's going on
Ryan: ...Treys awake
Marissa: oh my god (Ryan moves closer and looks down) when did he...
Ryan: couldnt've ben to long I just saw him
Marissa: (suprised, raises eyebrows) you saw him
Ryan: yeah I...ben up there a couple times, y'know
Marissa: (shrugs) I didn't know, hey I would've gone with you
Ryan: no, no you shouldn't have'to see him ever again, I don't have the same choice
Marissa: (slightly nods) ...well I mean I guess now that he's awake he can tell the lawyers what really happened (frowns) I mean Trey got us inta this mess hopefully he can get us out
Ryan: yeah, our futures in Treys hands (Marissa doesn't say anything) come on (motions) Seth an Summer are at the diner
(Ryan walks back over to the car and Marissa follows him. they both get in)
CUT TO: Newport Group - Julie, Jimmy, and alot of other people sorting through things are in there, including Jeff Frankel
Julie: (impatient) what'do you mean it's gonna take two months, Caleb wrote a will just read it already
Jeff: (puts hand up) it's much more difficult than that Mrs. Cooper-Nichol a-as you can see (Jimmy looks around) there's uh alotta paperwork uh a number of different offshore accounts we haven't yet found
Julie: ok, well you just take your sweet time Mr. Frankel but understand this, we are paying a very high price defense attorney to protect our daughter an right now the metres running
Jeff: I wish I could help
Julie: (sits next to Jeff) I'm a grieving widow
(Jeff looks at Jimmy, unconvinced, lol)
Jeff: clearly
Julie: you've seen the will haven't you Jeff (sexy smile) why don't you just...tell us what's in it annn it'll be our little secret
Jeff: I can't do that
Jimmy: (to Julie) it's our attorney Julie (answers phone)
Julie: lets play hot/cold (raises eyebrows) hm (Jeff looks at her) two million...seven million...I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup (Jeff blinks) you blinked! does one blink mean yes (points)
Jimmy: (to Julie) Julie, the hospital called
Julie: (looks at Jimmy) what, what'did they say
CUT TO: The Diner - we see a plate of food being set down in front of someone. the camera pans and we see that Summer, Seth, Marissa and Ryan are near by in a booth. Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and then at Seth and Summer, almost sadly. Summer and Seth are watching both of them across the table
Summer: ok (claps hands) I have an idea
Seth: (looks at Summer) are you gonna save Chrismukkah again cause I really enjoyed that last time
(Summer glares at Seth, not amused. Seth closes his mouth tightly)
Summer: we need to have some fun (raises eyebrows)
Marissa: (looks at Summer unenthusiastically) fun (raises eyebrows)
(Ryan looks at Summer)
Summer: yeah, look we cant control the future right so how do we deal (Seth frowns) I mean we could do what my step-mother does an take lots of pain killers to numb ourselves from the reality that life is (frowns) well random, unfair an ultimately meaningless
Seth: (looks at Summer) there's another option right
Summer: or we can accept the fact that we cant worry about what we cant control an just enjoy the time that we have, Treys awake an...school is starting soon (Marissa looks at Ryan) who knows what's ta come, right...so this might be our last chance to have fun
Seth: I like...plan B
(Marissa smiles)
Ryan: so what'do we do
Marissa: ...well I have an idea (raises eyebrows) but id have'to ask my dad first
(Summer and Seth look at Marissa, curious)
CUT TO: The Ocean - we see a beautiful shot of the water and in the distance is a sail boat, as the camera zooms in closer and changes angles we can see Marissa and Ryan are sitting near the front talking/laughing. the shot goes across the front of Ryan and Marissa and then we can see that Seth and Summer are sitting together near the steering wheel. the shot changes again and we see the boat from above. then we see Ryan and Marissa again, still sitting together laughing/talking. they look so cute! we see Seth and Summer again, and we can also see a row boat sitting on the back. we can now see that its Jimmy's sail boat 'Slow Dance'
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO: A Secluded Beach - we see the sail boat in the distance out in the water. the row boat is sitting on the sand and further off to the left is Seth and Summer
Summer: Mr. Coopers got a nice boat huh
Seth: yeah (picks up sticks) its amazing what laundered money can buy
Summer: you know Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel an the wind blowing through your hair (looks at Seth, nods) you actually looked kinda hot
Seth: let me guess Summer you have a (shrugs, amused) weakness for seamen (smiles)
Summer: (screws up her face) ewww Cohen, an then there's that (walks away)
Seth: nah, aww (follows Summer)
(Marissa is sitting on some rocks by herself, looking out towards the ocean. Ryan goes over to her)
Ryan: hey
Marissa: (looks) hey
(Ryan sits down next to Marissa)
Ryan: ah...how ya doin, you ok
Marissa: (looks at Ryan) yeah I guess...I mean I-I don't know to be honest (unsure) are we ok
Ryan: yeah sure (shrugs) why wouldn't we be
Marissa: cause since that night we haven't really talked about it
(Ryan doesn't say anything. Seth and Summer walk over to them)
Seth: hey, knock it off, listen, we gotta get our mind off everything...who wants to go fishing
Summer: (laughs) yeah you guys do the hunting, we'll do the gathering
Ryan: (stands) I like that idea but weeee-dont-have-any-bait
Seth: ooh...hey wait no we have Summer (touches Summers arm) this little sardine
Summer: nooo, you guys that's-
(Marissa smiles, Ryan points at Summer mischieviously)
Seth: I'm gonna throw a sardine, who wants to go fishing, come on
(Summer squeals and runs down the beach. Seth goes after her, Ryan runs after them)
Summer: no guys
(the next bit is a montage with laughing & screaming. we see Ryan with Summer in his arms, and Seth and Marissa are either side of Ryan. then we see Summer kicking her legs, Seth holding onto them and Marissa touching Ryan's back, and they are near the water. the next thing we see is Marissa over Ryan's shoulder, and they are in the water ankle deep. Summer and Seth are standing near them. then we see them moving away from the tide. Seth has Summer over his shoulder and Ryan goes to pick Marissa up. then we see Ryan holding Marissa in his arms, Seth holding Summer over his shoulder and they are at the edge of the water. SO CUTE! next we see Ryan holding Seth long ways. he has one hand over both his legs and the other under his waist. Summer claps and they are laughing and having a good time! the next thing we see is a lifeguard tower. Marissa is leaning up against it and Ryan is standing in front of her, smiling. he slowly leans toward her and they kiss! awww Marissa has her hands on Ryan's shoulders. the shot changes and we see them still kissing, and the back of Ryan. we then see them all playing near the water again, it looks as though the sun is starting to go down. Ryan has both hands in the air like a monster and he goes after the girls. they both squeal and run away. the next thing we see is Seth holding a football, he throws it and Ryan goes to catch it but drops it in the water. then we see Summer and Seth sitting together by a fire in the sand. the sun is almost gone. they look so cute! we then see that they are roasting marshmallows on sticks together! Seth kisses Summer on the cheek and Summer smiles all cutesy. we then see Ryan and Marissa close up, kissing at the lifeguard tower like before. their heads slowly disappear out the bottom of the shot and all we see is the water. the next thing we see is the sun setting, with the lifeguard tower in the background. then we see the two couples sitting together near the fire. Marissa and Summer both have blankets over their shoulders)
Marissa: well, if this is as good as it gets for a while
Ryan: (smiles) eah, feels pretty good
Summer: yeah (sarcastic) thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet Cohen
Seth: my pleasure
Ryan: (mocking Summer, very nasally tone) Cohen, I can't believe that you did that Cohen (smirks)
(Marissa and Summer laugh. we see a shot of the backs of them. Ryan puts his arm around Marissa and their heads are touching. Summer rests her head on Seth's shoulder. awww, could they get more adorable!)
CUT TO: The I.C.U - through the blinds we can see Trey in bed. the camera moves across to show a nurse in the nursing station. the nurse hears a noise and looks up. all we see is a dark corridor. the nurse looks down. we then see bright pink high heels walking towards the camera. we then see the shadow of a head in the bottom right hand corner, and the nurse still with her head down
Julie: I'm looking for Trey Atwood
Nurse: (stands) I'm sorry, visiting hours ended a while ago
Julie: oh did I forget to introduce myself, I'm Julie Cooper-Nichol as in the Nichol wing of this hospital which we're both standing in
Nurse: ...oh hello Mrs. Cooper-Nichol
Julie: (smiles) my husband was very philanthropic, hospitals were his favourite charity, especially making sure nurses an orderlies were compensated for their hard work (looks at Nurse) I would hate ta see his passion fall by the wayside
(the Nurse looks at Julie, Julie looks at the nurse. the next thing we see is Treys room. Trey opens his eyes and reels back, we then see what he is reacting to. Julie is standing beside his bed)
Julie: hello Trey (smiles) I've ben wanting to talk to you (Trey looks at her) oh no no, no pleasantries...look at you...lying there all helpless (closes the blinds) unable to stop me from (picks up a pillow) doing whatever I wanted to (Trey looks at her) kind of like the night you tried to rape my daughter
Trey: ...I'm sorry
Julie: (clenches teeth) oh you should be you son of a bitch...which is why your gonna help me (Trey looks at her) in exchange I'm prepared to compensate you, how does twenty thousand dollars sound
Trey: (laughs) what d- what...do you want
Julie: three simple words, repeat after me Trey...Ryan-shot-me (Trey looks at her, reluctant) Trey (raises the pillow)
Trey: (swallows) ...Ryan...shot...
CUT TO: Cohen living room - the first thing we see is the TV, on the screen is the movie Teen Wolf. Seth is sitting on the couch in his PJ's with his feet on the coffee table. Ryan sits down next to him with a breakfast bowl
Seth: ok so, I know Teen Wolf is not a realistic movie (puts hand on his mouth, thinking)
Ryan: really goin out on a limb there but yeah (puts feet on the coffee table)
Seth: well (frowns) I mean how does bein a werewolf make you a better basketball player
Ryan: can't argue with that one
(Sandy comes in)
Sandy: hey fellas (Ryan & Seth look at him) you mind shuttin off the TV (points)
(Seth turns the TV off and Ryan puts his bowl down)
Sandy: Trey talked to the police this morning...an he confirmed their suspicion that it was you who shot him (Ryan looks at him, stunned)
Seth: well that's a total lie
(Ryan looks away)
Sandy: now the DA's office gave me a heads up...there gonna be issuing a warrant for your arrest in a few hours, now we're gonna figure this thing out (Ryan looks down) but I need to know that you are telling me everything that happened
(Ryan looks up at Sandy, Sandy looks at him)
Ryan: (stands, tied of it all) what difference does it make
(Ryan leaves the room upset. Sandy watches him)
Seth: your gonna fix this right (looks at Sandy, hopeful)
(Sandy watches Ryan go into the pool house and slam the door behind him)
CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Julie is carrying a bucket with champagne in it, Jimmy is with her
Jimmy: a little early for champagne don't you think
Julie: I'm making mimosa's, there breakfast appropriate besides we should celebrate
Jimmy: (frowns) celebrate the fact that Marissa's boyfriend is...getting arrested
Julie: no the fact that Marissa isn't (smiles & pours)
Jimmy: you know Julie its just a little too convenient, Trey wakes up an immediately points the finger at Ryan
Julie: well, sometimes, Jimmy, and I know you don't have that much experience with this but...things work out
Jimmy: you know...even if Marissa was accused sh-she wouldn't go to jail
Julie: she also wouldn't be going to college, forget what the law says about just cause an defense of others, how's it gonna look on her college application under extra curriculars, shoots blue collar thugs
Jimmy: look I don't want Marissa to suffer either but Ryan-
Julie: Ryan's (puts finger up) dye was cast long before he moved inta the Cohen pool house look (closes eyes) Jimmy lets just puts this to bed (Marissa comes out) we'll collect on Caleb's will an we'll go back to being a normal, happy, family!
Marissa: hey what's for breakfast (sleepy)
Jimmy: hey kiddo what're you doin up
Marissa: I can't sleep
Julie: oh, well, I have news (smiles) (Marissa looks at her) it's very good for us
Jimmy: ...but just...not so good forrr Ryan
(Marissa looks worried)
CUT TO: Cohen house - we see a shot of the pool house. all the blinds are shut and you can't see in. we then see that Seth and Summer are standing inside at the glass doors looking out
Seth: well we know he wants to be left alone
Summer: we have'to do something, should we bring him a snack (looks at Seth) what'does Ryan eat
Seth: dry cereal from the box an black coffee
Summer: (nods) huh, well maybe we could like get him something like a gift
Seth: sure moneys no object
Summer: ok (nods) what'does Ryan like
Seth: (frowns) hmm
Summer: (looks at Seth) any favourite movies (Seth is thinking) hobbies...Cohen he's your best friend
Seth: heeeey you've known him as long as me I don't hear you throwin out any gems (looks at Summer)
(we see the pool house again)
Summer: well we can't just leave him alone out there this is terrible
Seth: I know...but nobody even knows what to say to him he's never ben arrested before (Summer looks at him) for attempted murder
(sound of the door bell. Summer and Seth both look in the direction of the door. the next thing we see is Seth walking towards the door, Summer is following behind him, with her hands holding onto the waist of his jeans, aww. Seth opens the door and Marissa is standing there)
Marissa: where is he (anxious)
Seth: ahh he's not really seeing visitors right now (shuts the door)
Summer: we're kinda giving him space
(Marissa sighs and looks at them both like 'please' then heads out to the pool house)
Seth: this should go well
Summer: right behind you Coop
CUT TO: The Pool House - the first thing we see is a green knapsack, and Ryan's hands putting stuff inside it. then we see Marissa, Seth and Summer in the doorway
Marissa: hey
(Ryan continues packing the knapsack which is sitting on his bed)
Ryan: hey
Seth: hoodie, wife-beater, leather jacket...that's the Ryan Atwood escapist ensemble
Ryan: that's right, doesn't matter what I say no ones gonna believe me not anymore
Seth: dude your not running away
Ryan: yeah (looks at Seth, raises eyebrows) yeah I am
Marissa: no (moves closer to Ryan) no your not (Ryan looks at her) your sailing (shrugs, matter of factly) an we're coming with you
Seth: yes since apparently there's boats involved (Ryan frowns) which is my forte' (touches his chest)
Summer: totally, we all go down together
(Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and shrugs)
Ryan: (raises eyebrows) thanks (zips up his knapsack)
CUT TO: Suriak T.C garden - Kirsten and Charlotte are standing together making coffees
Charlotte: oh so how was your visit with your husband (Kirsten looks at her, suprised) he excited your coming home
Kirsten: yes he is
Charlotte: didn't tell him your not ready yet huh (Kirsten looks at her) (raises eyebrows) ben there
Kirsten: well...Dr Woodruff says I'm ready I must be ready (smiles)
Charlotte: (scoffs) yeah except Dr Woodruff aint gonna be in your kitchen at three am when your rootin around the spice rack for anything with alcohol an start pounding vanilla extract
(Kirsten looks stunned)
Charlotte: (notices) oh god I'm-I'm (closes her eyes) I'm sorry
Kirsten: is that what happened to you
Charlotte: ...it was cough syrup (raises eyebrows)
Kirsten: that's my biggest fear...that I'm not ready, an I'm not going back to my husband an my boys until I know...that ill never let them down again
Charlotte: look can I give you some advice...it's not a race...take all the time you need
(Kirsten walks away and Charlotte watches her)
CUT TO: The Pool House - Sandy knocks on the door, when there's no answer he opens the door and goes in
Sandy: hello...I'm back
(Sandy stares at the empty pool house then turns around and faces the door, he looks around worried. we hear the sound of the door bell. we then see the front door, through the glass we can see a man. Sandy opens the door and we see that it is an officer with the warrant for Ryan's arrest in his hand. another office is behind him talking on a walkie talkie, and we can see their police car)
Officer: we're lookin for Ryan Atwood (holds out the warrant)
Sandy: your a little late I'm afraid
CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Julie walks in and looks around, she then puts the phone up to her ear
Julie: nope, she's not here either an she left for your house hours ago Sandy, you don't think they'd try anything do you (worried)
(Jimmy comes to the doorway)
Jimmy: what's goin on
Julie: (hangs up) the cops are at Sandy's house the kids are gone we don't know where they went
(Julie leaves the room and Jimmy looks as though he's thinking)
CUT TO: The docks - it's dark but we can see Jimmy's boat and Ryan, Marissa, Seth & Summer climb on board
Summer: you don't think your dad'll miss the boat
Marissa: well he of all people'll understand...but we gotta hurry
Seth: let's go
Ryan: hey man how long is it to Catalina
Seth: about four hours then from there we can go wherever you want, Mexico, Hawaii
Ryan: hey look guys I gotta say, you can get in alotta trouble for this so you know if you wanna back out
(Marissa turns on a light)
Seth: are you kidding, this is a great excuse to skip school
Marissa: uh its not forever it's just until we can get Trey to change his story
(we hear the sound of sirens, and see about a half dozen police cars pull up and surround them. one of the cars shines a light on the boat and we see them looking at all the police cars. Marissa and Summer are both shielding their eyes from the bright light. we see a close up of Ryan's face, just staring into the light)
CUT TO: The Police Station - we see Ryan being led by an officer. he is wearing that familiar blue jumpsuit :(. Sandy is waiting for him in a room, and the officer leads him in. Ryan looks at Sandy. Sandy stands up
Sandy: glad to see the jumpsuit still fits
(Sandy motions for Ryan to sit down)
Sandy: well kid, for someone who's innocent you done a hell of a job to look guilty
Ryan: glad to see you're here to make me feel better (smiles sarcastically, then looks down)
Sandy: no I'm here to tell you the truth...as your lawyer an your guardian (Ryan looks at him) the only person who runs is somebody whose got somethin'a hide
Ryan: or who has no choice (raises eyebrows) I see how these cops an lawyers look at me...my record, my family (Sandy looks at him) an you know I'm right
Sandy: this isn't over...the arraignments set for tomorrow, we're gonna fight this (Ryan half laughs then looks down) Trey could still change his mind
Ryan: yeah...how's that gonna happen
(Ryan looks at Sandy vulnerably, he almost looks like he's going to cry! :( )
CUT TO: The Hospital - the camera pans up to show Marissa and Summer in the good old candy striper outfits. Seth is in between them pushing a cart down the corridor
Marissa: I haven't worn this candy stripers outfit since, like the tenth grade (folds her arms)
Summer: well maybe we should start volunteering again, it's good for charity
Seth: not that I'm against you guys wearing these uniforms, cause I'm not but...doesn't this plan seem a little light hearted given the...nature of the predicament
Summer: Cohen, your not even part of the plan, we're jus letting you push a cart
Marissa: ok Sum you're on
(Marissa, Summer and Seth walk around the corner to a nurse's station)
Summer: (smiles) hey Denise, how are you
Denise: Summer Roberts, I haven't seen you in years, where you ben
Summer: oh I love helping sick people its just they kept making me sick (screws up face) so I've ben reassigned to gun shot victims because you cant catch one'a those (shakes her head)
(Marissa and Seth smile, impressed)
Denise: (laughs) well glad to have you back, who do you wanna see
(the next thing we see is Trey in bed. staring ahead. there's a knock on the door)
Trey: I don't wanna speak to anyone else
(Marissa opens the door and goes in)
Trey: hey, did you hear what I- (realises its Marissa)
(Marissa looks at Trey and closes the door behind her. she seems cautious, almost scared. Trey scoffs. Marissa is still just standing there)
Trey: did you uh (raises eyebrows) come'to finish the job
Marissa: so you do remember it was me who shot you
Trey: (looks away, swallows) I... I'm trying to protect you
Marissa: protect me (moves closer) by blaming Ryan
Trey: (looks at Marissa) I'm sorry Marissa...for...for everything...I (swallows) I jus didn't know how ta make it right (Marissa looks at him, sadly) an she offered me a way out
Marissa: (confused) w- who did
Trey: (looks at Marissa, frowns) ...your mom
(Marissa looks stunned and rubs her head)
Marissa: look...Trey (moves closer) ...if you wanna make it right (raises eyebrows) then there's only one thing for you to do
(Trey and Marissa look at each other. Trey looks away)
CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - Sandy's Lexus pulls up out the front. then we see him open the door and go inside. he stops and looks over to the bar. Jimmy is sitting at the bar by himself. Sandy walks over
Sandy: hey Jimmy
Jimmy: hey
Sandy: thanks for meetin me (sits down)
Jimmy: sure, sorry to hear about Ryan (Sandy sighs) just when you thought things couldn't get any worse
Sandy: well that's what I wanted to talk to you about...I've ben tryin'a figure out why Trey would try to frame Ryan (looks at Jimmy) y'know I know the kids not gonna be sainted any time soon but (laughs) still...the only thing I can figure (looks at Jimmy) somebody paid him (Jimmy looks away) ...but who would sink that low (Jimmy sighs) ...only one name came to mind (Jimmy looks at him) ...an you didn't try to stop her
Jimmy: look I f-I found out about it too late there's nothin-there's nothin I could do
Sandy: c'mon Jimmy at some point you gotta do the right thing
Jimmy: well you gotta understand what I'm dealing with, put yourself in my shoes
Sandy: (looks at Jimmy) in your shoes (angry) I got a wife in rehab who doesn't wanna come home an a kid who's ben locked up for somethin he didn't do, I think your shoes are lookin pretty good right now
Jimmy: look I- I get it I get it...I'm tryin'a protect my family too (raises eyebrows)
Sandy: (nods) right, because family means so much to ya
Jimmy: (frowns) what's that supposed'to mean
Sandy: that means what're you doin back at Newport...Caleb dies boom suddenly you show up
(Jimmy looks at Sandy, Sandy's cell phone rings and he takes it out and looks at it)
Sandy: (answers) grand central station, hello...oookkkk (nods) thankyou (hangs up) wait'till Julie hears this (smiles)
CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - there is a basket of washing and Julie pulls out a piece of clothing from it that resembles Marissa's attempt at doing her and Alex's washing, lol Marissa walks in, she doesn't look happy
Julie: hi sweetie...uh I'm still learning how to do the wash so whatever no longer fits we'll just send it to your sister (smiles)
Marissa: I know what you did
Julie: (looks at Marissa, clueless) what'do you mean
(Marissa scoffs and takes an envelope out of her bag, she holds it out to Julie)
Julie: (takes the piece of paper) what's this
Marissa: a copy of Treys confession (Julie looks at her, stunned) saying that if I didn't shoot him he would've killed his brother...police have one too
(Julie reads the confession)
Julie: d'you know what you've done
Marissa: (reassuringly) ...I'm not going to jail
Julie: but where are you gonna go Marissa huh (Marissa looks at her) you know how small this town is, this will get out
Marissa: what (shrugs) that I saved my boyfriends life
Julie: (pointed) that you shot someone (Marissa looks at her) when there's a scandal no one cares about the details
Marissa: all you care about is what people in Newport think of us (Julie looks at her) of you (moves closer) you know I don't need you to protect me (means it) I need you to stay outta my life
(Marissa leaves the room. Julie just stands there)
CUT TO: The police station - a man hands a clipboard thingo to Ryan to sign. he's back in his own clothes and his knapsack is sitting on the table next to the clipboard. he signs the piece of paper then walks over to the door, a man opens it for him. Sand


Since you're in beach buggies, you will now drive to the beach at the northernmost point of Namibia, where it meets Angola. It's 1.000 miles away.
Richard: We have got to find this road. This is not gonna be too clever in the dark. Listen. I shall find the Southern Cross.
Richard: Oh, this is a bad idea! We are now trusting our lives to an orangutang who thinks he's Patrick Moore.
James: 24 hours of cold, misery, to achieve exactly nothing. I mean, it is exactly nothing.
Richard: Oh, it's coming in!
(JEREMY YELLS)
This is the best desert I've ever been to. Holy sh1t!
Richard: Oh!
(YELLS)
Jeremy: What it actually is is a big, orange killing engine.
Jesus!
(LAUGHS)
Richard: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
Please make it! Please! Just need to find a road now. This is not funny any more. I don't want another night in the desert. Oh, my God. I could go east, I could go west.
Richard: Whichever way you go, it goes somewhere. Yes! It is the road to freedom.
(THUD)
What the hell was that? What I'm driving here, or attempting to drive, is Apollo 13.
Jeremy: It was morning by the time I nursed my wounded car into Windhoek, and my well-rested colleagues were full of admiration for how I'd pulled off such a feat. Is that the first thing you thought of? What? Tear a hole in it. What's that gonna do? I needed to get to the bleed valve on the radiator, which is there. Is it? And, to make life doubly difficult... I trod on my spectacles.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
That is tragic, trying to fix it with one lens. I was trying to fix it. And the only eye I can close is this eye. You can't close your left eye? I can't close my left eye. Why didn't you put them on upside down? You'd have the lens over the other eye. That is logic there. Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, let's go. We've got a lot to do.
Jeremy: No! The one thing we have established now is that, with the exception of Windhoek, which is the capital, Namibia is a tough and arduous place. Yeah. Have you bought maps? No. Have you got tenting equipment of any sort? Have you got somewhere to sleep other than the desert floor? No. So why don't we, today, get prepared for the next leg of the - big leg of the journey? That is a good idea. We'll do that. That's not a bad idea. We'll grant ourselves a day of... shopping. Mm. First of all, would you permit me to chisel some of the cheddar that has grown in my underpants away? Well, not here.
Jeremy: Having de-cheesed my body parts, we headed out to get the necessary supplies.
Richard: The thing is, if we go mesh, it'll keep the sun off but it won't keep the light out. That will wake us up early. That's 1.5 kilograms. But- Hammond, the first thing you need to know before we start shopping in here is James and I are in charge.
Richard: Well...
James: Sorry, he's right. No, you're not. You don't know anything about camping.
James, Jeremy: Exactly. How does that make you in charge? Because we know it's all terrible. If we leave it to you, we'll all end up sleeping in small green triangles. The camping you know about is in the Lake District, where you deliberately make yourself miserable. I'm sorry, he's right. It is possible, I think, with a bit of ingenuity and money, to make tenting bearable.
Jeremy: Richard Baden-Hammond disagreed, so we went our separate ways. Correct, incorrect. Exactly. Do you agree? But I'd go even more correct. Oh, yes! Perfect. Roll it out on the desert floor... you're home. Oh, James! Le Creuset! See, Hammond would hate this, because this weighs more than a tent. Which it does, actually. A lot more. And it weighs more because it is a quality item. Exactly. Pocket trowel. Pocket soap. Here we go. Pasta spoon. Yeah, good idea. I find that bottle opener a bit... lightweight. Yeah, more expensive is what we're looking for. You see, look at this, James. This is the sort of thing Hammond would think is a chair. Ooh! That's all you need. That's your whole... stove. That's it. Is it gas? It is, isn't it? I presume so. For two, you could get a small chicken in there, or... a pheasant. We're getting there now. So that folds down to that. Yeah.
Jeremy: The next morning, we headed out once more, with the camping gear James and I had bought bringing up the rear. And besides stocking up with essentials, Hammond and I had used our day off in Windhoek to modify our cars. To solve my overheating problems, I've fitted a ram-air scoop, which shovels refreshing, cooling air into the radiator as I go along. And, as you may have noticed, I've fitted a spoiler. My only complaint, really, about my beach buggy was its lack of performance in third and fourth gears. Couldn't up power from the engine and I don't want to stress it, so I could lighten it. I've stripped away the superstructure here and the passenger seat, anything spare. That means this car is 30-40 kilos lighter than it was before. Jeremy, why has your car sprouted a green moustache?
Jeremy: Well, it's a spoiler for added downforce at the front end, which you need in a rear-engine vehicle. This thing will be unbelievable through the corners now, it really will. Like a 911. And I tell you what, even with your new lightweight buggy, you're no match for what I've got here this morning. Yeah, I'm sorry, mate. This is quicker. It is not. It is. Right, Richard Hammond, I challenge you to a race. OK, you're on. Idiot.
Jeremy: We shall find a race track and we shall do racing. Well, you carry on. I'm not doing any racing. That's utterly pointless.
Jeremy: On the outskirts of the city, we found a rather excellent circuit where we could do timed laps, and James could try out his new vacuum cleaner.
(VACUUM WHIRS)
James: Oh, yes.
Are you ready? No. Why not? Temperatures and pressures. This is a racing machine. Look at it. It's a plastic beach buggy parked near a V8. With aero. Really? In...
(REVVING)
...three, two, one, go!
(REVVING STOPS)
Yeah, I'm gonna do it in gear. Give it a shot. I'm gonna try that. In- No! Throttle's jammed. Yes. (STAMMERS) Jammed. In- No! You can keep saying "in" till the cows come home. The throttle...
(VACUUMING, JAMES HUMS TUNES)
(REVVING)
Three, two, one, begin!
(BOTH YELL)
Why... Why have you stopped? Ah. Well, erm...
(ENGINE STOPS)
The throttle may have gone a bit open.
(IGNITION FAILS)
Yeah. My throttle is totally broken. Anyway, Hammond... Yeah? Any car which can wheelie off the line... is going to be able to beat yours, and would have done. So... Sorry. You're saying because your car started, well, 50 yards away over there, wheelied, was uncontrollable, slammed back down and broke itself, it's the best on the track?
Jeremy: Yes. Well, much learned. Really useful. Glad we did it.
Richard: With Jeremy's endlessly troublesome car fixed again, we scooped up James' Dyson and continued northwards towards the finish line at the border with Angola. The going was smooth and easy and eerily quiet, which begged a question. Now, apparently, Namibia is the most dangerous place in the world to drive. There are more accidents per head then anywhere else, and car accidents are the first and most common cause of death in young adults. How? How can that be so? I mean... the place is empty. In Britain, there are 250-260 people for every square kilometre. Here... it's two. Two! This makes the Australian outback look like Monaco. Monkey! Monkey! Huge anus! Did you see that thing's anus?
James: I, however, was not thinking about population statistics or monkeys' bottoms. I was just happy to be on a smooth surface in a car that wasn't filled with dust. I shall relax... with the lovely view. Sadly, though, a few miles later...
(RATTLING)
Ow! Ow! Oh, my nuts! Ow!
(GROANS)
Stop it! Ow! Ow! Agh! James May? Yes, I can hear you, but it's very uncomfortable and my car has... has cut out.
James: Ow!
Jeremy: Mercifully for James, we eventually arrived at a game reserve, which we decided would be an ideal place to set up camp for the night.
(UNZIPPING)
Richard: Right.
(CHUCKLES)
That's what we need.
Jeremy: As Hammond built his canvas hovel... James and I were looking forward to a more civilised evening in the tents we'd bought, and which had been erected by the butler we'd also bought.
James: Thank you, Giovanni. Tuck your shirt in, man! It's not a bloody caravan site. Erm... I'm just thinking, dinner. Mm. Do you mind if I get changed? No, exactly. I'm gonna have a shower. Mm. Or I may have a bath, actually. Why not? Giovanni, could you run the baths?
Jeremy: Apparently, this place has got oysters. Really? Here? Yeah. I know, it's extraordinary. Who knew? Are you coming for some dinner?
Richard: What do you mean, "Coming for dinner"? I'm cooking here. There's a restaurant just down there. A restaurant? Yeah, just down there. I don't want to go. I'm cooking this. I'm doing it properly, camping. Well, come and- I'll join you after dinner.
Jeremy: Whatever.
James: He's such a peasant, isn't he?
Jeremy: It's just unbelievable.
(METALLIC CLANGING)
Jeremy: That evening in the restaurant, Hammond never did join us.
But James and I were not short of company. Oh, look, there's rhinos! There's actual rhinos! And they've been dehorned. They've had to take its horn out to stop poachers shooting it. But you know what the poachers are doing? They shoot the dehorned ones, because if they track for a couple of days, a rhino, and then it's got no horn, they shoot it, and then they'll never track it again, so it saves time. Do you know how much you get for a rhino horn now? On the... On the market? Yeah, in Vietnam. I'm guessing it's a lot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
So that's more expensive than gold. Good God. Even the nub that's left that he's got is still worth, I don't know, thousands of dollars. I was gonna say, no matter how carefully you dehorn it, there's still horn going down into its nose.
Jeremy: That's such a tragedy, that, you know.
James: Yeah. I want to do something about this while we're here. I'm sure we could come up with something. I'm sure we could.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Richard: The next morning, I woke to find I'd been recruited into the Clarkson and May Rhino Protection Squad.
They were even convinced that our beach buggies would be ideal for tracking the poachers. I can't deny, they do have a point about the whole rhino thing. It is ridiculous. Two rhinos killed every day in Africa by poachers, and then sold to a market that believes it's a cure for cancer, impotence, even hangovers. But are we necessarily the right men to tackle it head-on in the field? Ow! (YELLS) Wouldn't we be better just popping a 㱠coin in a jar and letting somebody who knows what they're doing solve it? Well, I've got a tranquilizer gun from the place where we were last night, but... I can't see anyone to shoot.
Jeremy: Figuring that the poachers probably didn't use the main road, we went off to look in the bush.
James: What about over there?
Richard: No poachers. Tyre marks. It may be some poacher. Oh, no, wait. BF Goodriches. This is James May.
Richard: Just so you know, this is stupid.
Jeremy: What's stupid?
Richard: How would you recognise a poacher when you saw one? And when you find one, what are you gonna do? Shoot him. All we're doing on our journey is driving three beach buggies to the Angolan border. Yeah. Which doesn't further the cause of humanity.
James: Exactly.
Richard: And this does, does it? We've got a day, Hammond. Give us 24 hours. 24 hours. Then, I promise, we'll get back on the road.
Jeremy: Once our sceptical colleague had agreed, I decided to change tack, abandon the cars and search from the air, using some beach-front parasailing equipment. Jeremy? Yes? If we don't make it, please know that I hate you. There's not a breath of wind, so don't be stupid. Oh, my parachute's been... Oh, hello!
Richard: Goodbye.
(JEREMY YELLS)
Richard: sh1t!
Richard: That's not worked at all.
Jeremy: OK. Right, I'm not gonna do that.
Clearly, my solution was too dangerous for us, so we sent Giovanni up instead.
(FAINT YELLING)
Look, he's going over there. He's gonna crash and die. No, he's been blown a bit sideways but- - And downwards.
(YELLING CONTINUES)
He didn't sign up for this, did he?
Jeremy: Giovanni failed to spot any poachers, so we told him to stop messing about and get back to camp to pour some drinks, whilst we had a rethink. Everything we've tried has gone wrong. So let's accept it now and move on. We can go. No. I think the poachers only go out at night. Oh, for God's sake. We'll let the sun set, get some tactical kit. Rifles. Come on, Hammond. You gave us 24 hours before you took our guns and badges.
James: He did.
Richard: OK. I think a couple more beers, head out there. I agree. Let it get dark. Be patient.
Jeremy: Yes. Hunters are patient, aren't they? Exactly.
Jeremy: Once darkness had fallen, we got kitted out with tranquilizer guns and tactical kit and headed back into the bush with a very unsure Richard in tow. I mean, I'd like to stop poachers, but out here at night, what is the poacher-to-lion ratio? What am I more likely to find?
Jeremy: What you have to do is look for rhino tracks, cos that's what the poachers will be following. Literally the most manly thing I've ever done. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Grand Tour for men, splashing all over.
(GUN FIRES)
Richard: Ow!
Jeremy: Bloody hell!
Richard: You stupid bastards!
Someone's shot me!
Richard: Hammond? Hammond? Hammond?
James: Clarkson, you moron.
Jeremy: Hammond? Right, well, I have to be honest, yesterday was a total waste of time. We achieved nothing. All we did achieve was we seem to have wounded Mr Hammond, who er... well, we couldn't wake him up this morning at all. And because we needed to get going, we've a long way to go, we've had to improvise.
(HELICOPTER WHIRS)
Aaargh! What the (BLEEP)? What the (BLEEP) is this? You bastards!
(YELLS)
Jeremy: Back on the ground, James and I had our own problems.
(RATTLING)
Oh, God! Ow! Ow! This is very good for the gravel rash that I got... during my parachute accident yesterday. Oh, that hurts. What we could really do with is a rain shower to dampen this dust down.
James: I think it's unlikely. Yeah, there's no evidence that rain is on its way, I would say.
Jeremy: Soon, word came over the radio that Hammond was on his way to rejoin us... and that he wasn't in the best of moods. What was that? (GRUNTS) What was that about? We didn't want to leave you behind. You wouldn't wake up. No, obviously, you didn't want to leave me behind, so you did the logical thing, which is suspend me from a helicopter whilst asleep. Yes. Most people would arrive at the same conclusion. No, you didn't! You were having a laugh! Do you realise how rough the first road was that you haven't had to drive on? And you got a helicopter ride, which we haven't had. You wouldn't be laughing and sniggering so much if I'd fallen out of that thing, as I could have done. Well, it wouldn't be funny. No, it just wouldn't be interesting.
(JEREMY SNIGGERS)
Jeremy: With the rhino fiasco behind us, we got back to the job in hand... which was to reach the Angolan border, and therefore prove that beach buggies are brilliant go-anywhere machines and not just frivolous toys.
Today, however, that theory would be seriously tested. Oh, for God's sake!
(GROANS)
(GROANS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Christ on a bike! I hate to admit this, but I'm jealous of Hammond. I wish I'd fitted that suspension on my car. How is this car gonna stand up to this punishment all day? Well, since it had been designed by me and made from 40-year-old components, the answer was depressingly predictable. The alternator, as you can see, has come off its hinge. The bolt's supposed to go in there and it's just come off. And the bolt, well, that's somewhere back there, 100 miles. So, my alternator is now held on with a screwdriver that I've hammered into place. And we're running well. Oh. I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, but I don't have a fan belt on there. I've got a problem. (SIGHS) Another five miles, another fan belt. I'm gonna need a pair of tights. And it wasn't just me. I've been through all of that, all of that, the ignition cut-out switch. I've got some weird gremlin.
Jeremy: This road is just shaking these cars to pieces.
James: Naturally, Jeremy decided that the only way of keeping his car in one piece was to drive very quickly. My optimum speed is 2.800 rpm, that being my only dial, really. That way, I'm skipping over the top of the ridges. Unfortunately, at this speed, my V8 was emptying the petrol tank every 31 miles. And one of the items we'd forgotten to buy at the camping shop was a funnel. Right, wind's dropped. Here we go. Drink! (GROANS) This is completely safe. Some of the petrol is... Oh, my giddy aunt! The roads are getting worse. Even though the going was appalling... the beach buggies, amazingly, were, more or less, still in one piece. However, as the relentless pounding wore on, the same could not be said of James. Agh! Oh, my God! Honestly, my bones are going to shatter.
(GROANS)
I've had enough of this. What I'm doing is I'm trying to soften up the front suspension, and I'm gonna soften the tyres as well. I've done quite a bit under here. Now I'm going to let a bit of air out of the tyres.
(AIR HISSES)
James: This made a huge difference.
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
This is rubbish! Stop! But it didn't stop. It went on... and on. That day, I did 350 miles, and every single one of them was filled with pain, dust and misery. And that's why, the following morning, I came up with a radical plan. Don't drive on the road, drive near it. I did a bit alongside the road. Admittedly only half a kilometre, but it was bliss by comparison. It was like driving on a freshly resurfaced Silverstone. We don't have to stray miles from it. I agree, that would be foolish, cos we could just end up as skeletons. But, honestly, it's agony in mine. I've got neck ache, headache. I hate it. Right, I tell you what, Hammond. I tell you why I like his idea. If it is smooth off-road, it's more comfortable for us. If it's hopeless out there, we can blame him. Fair enough.
Jeremy: With that settled, we left the road and set out on Highway May. I'll give James one thing, it is smoother than the road, but I am doing 3 mph. I mean, yeah, I like off-roading, I do, but... this isn't exactly quicker, is it?
Jeremy: Sadly, a short while later, we didn't even have smooth going for us. Ow! (GROANS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, spiffing. (GROANS) James, I hope you're happy with this. How bad must it have been for him if this is better? Oh, God al-bloody-mighty! What an idiot that man is! Yeah, this is a lot less bumpy. Oh, Christ! Jesus! Is this better? Really? Stop moaning!
(GRUNTS)
Jeremy: Hammond, my entire throttle assembly has disintegrated.
Richard: I can't see why. I'm sure this is all helping it.
Jeremy: Perfectly all right on the road.
Yeah, I don't know why more people don't drive their cars on the road. Stop blaming your failures on the scenery. Every bone in his crotch... that's what I'm gonna break. Every single one of them. And then, if it were at all possible, May Tours got even worse. Oh! Oh, God! The dust! Agh! What is this Star Trek special effect we've arrived in? Oh, my God! I am swimming through dust. I'm actually swimming in it. Oh, dear, oh, dear!
James: We had driven into something called fesh fesh, a sand as fine as talcum powder. Oh, shite! And this had made Ali G even more cross.
(REVVING)
I can't see a bloody thing now. I've got to... I can't even find James May to kill him.
(GROANS)
Jeremy: OK, the engine's boiling and I'm stuck.
All my electrics have gone haywire My... It's still trying to turn the motor over. The battery's dead. Are you stuck, James? Er... (COUGHING FIT) (COUGHING) I think I'm stuck. Well done, James. Improved our lot no end. So the situation is... Hammond has broken his car, you're stuck, and mine's overheated. Are we going to say, James, that your idea was stupid? It was stupid.
Jeremy: With even Sergeant Stubborn admitting defeat, it was time to throw in the towel. So we got ourselves sorted out, got a wash in the river and headed back to the road.
[SCENE_BREAK]
There you go. Freshly ironed linen shirt with epaulettes that matches my beach buggy. Ironed by Giovanni. Despite everything, our beach buggies had covered 750 miles of our 1,000-mile journey, and we were now well into the tribal regions of northern Namibia... which is picture-book Africa. Well, this is all a bit too beautiful for words along here. Look at this. Tribal Namibia, I like it. Where we are now, it's genuinely... Well, what would you say, "unspoiled"? Yeah. People do live the lives they've led here for thousands of years. Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm dying! Annoyingly, the James May excursion had caused more damage than I'd realised. Oh, now this is stuck on. Oh, bugger. Then, instead of the breakdown-recovery service, some topless ladies arrived...
(SHRIEKING AND SINGING)
Richard: Hello.
...which made knowing where to look a bit difficult. Oh! Erm... Concentrate on the job, Richard. This is unusual. I mean, normally the AA would have done.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Thank you! Very good.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Oh, there's more.
Jeremy: I, too, was nursing wounds as a result of May Tours. I do seem to have lost...
(ENGINE CHUGS)
...one of my cylinders somehow. I'm driving a V7. Basically, this is now Spitty Spitty Bang Bang. So, at the lunch stop, Richard and I decided to get our revenge on Mr May. Clarkson! What? You've put... Where's... That is disturbing. What's annoying is, what have you done with my original vintage VW gear knob? Ah, well, no, good news on that. Giovanni has posted your original gear lever back to your address in London. Has he?
Richard: Special delivery. What is the matter with you? That's really offensive. Well, I think that's a bit sexist. No, it's not. Why would I want to drive with a rubber pen1s? I don't know. I think you're weird.
(LAUGHTER)
Richard: With our break over, we got back on the road.
For our American viewers, James May is driving a dick-shift. And it wasn't just James's knob that was keeping us amused. There was something else we'd learned over lunch that was even funnier. James May's fuel tank has a hole in it, or it's split. He's driving a bomb. It's a tense moment, this. It's like the end of a football match when it's 1-1. You're driving along, you know he's gonna blow up, you just don't know when.
Richard: It's not gonna read well in the papers. "James May died in an exploding beach buggy, holding a rubber pen1s." Oh, shut up! Jeez!
James: Oh! In the face!
Jeremy: Once James's fuel tank had run low enough, we pulled over in a small village so he could make some repairs. Well, the wind's blowing that way, so the fireball will go up there. It'll be sudden, won't it, when he goes? Yeah. It's "woompf." "Woompf", then a bit of quiet, and then... as all bits come down.
Jeremy: Yes. Here's the split in the tank. Apply this. Oh, hello! You know we've been saying how bad the roads are, Hammond? Yes. They're bad enough to kill an un-killable car. That's kind of a terrifying sight, isn't it? I know. I've never seen that before in my life. A dead Toyota pickup truck.
Jeremy: With James's tank bodged, we knuckled down to getting some miles under our belt. And for the rest of the day, the only person with petrol issues was me. Right. Refuelled, so I'm good now for 31 miles. By the end of the day, we'd made good progress. And when we stopped to make camp... Where the bloody hell's Giovanni? ...we were less than 100 miles from the finish line. So, after supper, we decided to have a conversation - well, argument - about who'd built the best beach buggy. The point is, yours isn't a beach buggy. My car? Yeah. Apart from having a beach buggy's body and the beating, pulsating heart of a beach buggy, namely a Beetle engine. I look at yours and go, "That doesn't even look like a beach buggy." It does and it is! It's a beach buggy. Enhanced, but in the spirit of beach buggying. It isn't. Jeremy, yours is... a freak. Had it existed 100 years ago, it would have been exhibited. People would come from miles and children would peak at it through curtains. "Oh, look at the monster!" The point is, I have always loved the spirit of the beach buggy. I love the era that created it and all of that. But the one thing that's made me not like it is the engine reminds me of Hitler. I have removed all of that Hitler DNA from mine, fitted a bloody great V8. It's gone too far. It's Frankenstein's buggy.
James: I can settle this. Yours isn't a proper beach buggy. It isn't. But it's more of a beach buggy than yours. Oh, rubbish! Because the true spirit of the beach buggy is the Beetle floorpan and engine, which his has. Yours doesn't have the engine. Mine actually has everything. Mine is the proper beach buggy. I'm sorry about this, James, but... You're not. ...your car was created by the swinging '60s and endorsed by Steve McQueen, one of the coolest people who ever lived, and yet, somehow, you have managed to make your beach buggy boring. Rubbish It is a bit. It is boring. It's a boring firework display. It is. It's boring in that it works. No, James. It doesn't work! The only thing that has gone wrong is a small leak in the petrol tank. Everything else about it has constantly worked. Do you know, every time I've overtaken you, I've looked and thought, "That's dismal." It isn't. It has an elegance and a purity. And when you say, "You've never come past me", I come past you every 30 miles because you've run out of fuel. It wheelies, the throttle sticks, the alternator falls off, bolts fall out of it. It... The alternator... You've had to fit a wing on it, which ruins the looks. It's not in the spirit of the beach buggy, but of a man desperately trying to justify a terrible idea. It was a brilliant idea! It doesn't work! I'm fairly conscious right now your car is drinking the fuel out of mine like a sort of plastic vampire. Look, mine has been thirsty. Thirsty? Yes.
James: We continued arguing until Giovanni reminded us it was time to go to bed. But I didn't go to bed, because I had business to attend to. Right, Jeremy Clarkson thinks he's being flamboyant, and he doesn't realise that my knowledge of aerodynamics will trump his ability to fit rubber penises to people's cars. sh1t! Hammond! Fire! Help! Hammond! Help! The next morning, as we resumed our journey, I was feeling rather philosophical. I once saw an old lady fall over and drop her shopping bag on the opposite side of the road, and her shopping fell out. And amongst it was an Easter egg, which I assume she bought for a grandchild or something, and it rolled into the road and got run over by a car. It was the most tragic thing I've ever seen... until I saw the front of my car this morning.
Jeremy: And it wasn't just the front of his own car he'd ruined. I wouldn't mind, but the rattling from James's workmanship is appalling. Despite everything, though, we were now almost there. Today, we would reach the beach that marked the finish of what had been a spectacular journey through a spectacular country. Oh! That deserves a stabbing.
(LAUGHTER)
Richard: Oh, my God!
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
Jeremy: Oh, my...
Giovanni, could you run the baths?
(YELLS)
Aargh! Help!
Jeremy: It really is an amazing part of the world, this. But everything that makes it amazing is harsh and unforgiving and difficult. Oh, stop! No one's ever said this before, but Namibia... is a beautiful b*st*rd of a country. And yet, as we counted down the last few miles of our journey, our home-made beach buggies were still running. They were battered and bruised, but they'd proved our point to Mr Wilman. They'd made it. And they had done something else as well - they'd got under our skin. We liked them even more at the end than we had done at the start. I think everybody in the world should drive a beach buggy, because you're exposed to so much. Not just the elements, but the opinions of other people. I mean, when you're in a normal car, you shake your fist and make gestures, and shout and yell, because you feel cocooned and safe and immune from everybody. But in a beach buggy, everyone's just there. It's brilliant! It's such a friendly way of moving about. And with that, we settled down for what we hoped would be a smooth cruise to the beach. But it wasn't. Ow! Ow! Oh, God! Ow! This is outrageous! Holy sh1t! Oh, no! It's gone! And now my aerodynamics are badly affected as well. Oh, my word! Jeremy is hoping to get to the finish line in the sort of pile of scrap you hate your neighbours for keeping at the bottom of their garden. Oh, God!
Jeremy: (LAUGHS) Oh, no! There's petrol! Oh! Hammond, don't go near his car! There's petrol all over the front of his car. Is there? Yeah.
Richard: Ooh!
Jeremy: What if it caught fire, James? With just 30 miles to go, the mighty seven-cylinder V8 really started to play up.
(ENGINE CHUGGING)
(ENGINE GRINDING)
Oh, no!
(LAUGHS)
And then it started to go dark, which presented us with the biggest problem of the lot.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
That's just terrible. Oh, God!
James: Well, that's marvellous.
Jeremy: That one is dazzling me and that one is showing me where to go.
Richard: This is far from ideal.
Jeremy: Before pitch darkness fell, we pulled over to do some emergency repairs. I'm gonna put some... tape of a certain well-known brand on the problem.
Jeremy: Finger tight will do. These repairs were extremely successful. Oh, it's swung into my face! No, I can't see a thing. Agh! That's worse! Oh, God. Now they've turned. Oh, no! My car's gone cross-eyed again!
Jeremy: There's a man coming the other way. What's he gonna think of us? (LAUGHS) I don't know. I can't see a bloody thing. Thank you. Oh, that's good! It's shaken the headlight back round again! Yeah! No, it's back again. Oh, just for a moment. Then the rough road brought some new headlight problems. Oh, nothing! Oh, no! Nothing! Nothing! I've got... I've now got nothing at all. OK, Hammond and May, can you just let me know what your lighting situation is now?
Richard: As long as I hold the flash lever back, I have light.
James: If I hold the lever, I get one light and one flashing light, yes. But I have to take my hand off to change gear.
Jeremy: And then Hammond's car suddenly turned into the lighting rig at a Pink Floyd gig. Why does it keep changing? What... And it's all got...
(GASPS)
It's only three kilometres to go now. Three. Ahh! Oh, (BLEEP) hell! Gone. Coming back. Although we couldn't see, we knew we must be close to the beach. It's not... you know, a seaside beach. It must be on a river or a lake, or something. This is uphill. I'm sure that's wrong. That's a big drop there. I don't want to go off there.
Jeremy: I'm not sure this is sensible. Nowhere in any guide I've ever read does it say, "Explore new territory in a beach buggy with your lights all broken." Unable to find anything even remotely resembling a beach, we pulled over.
(WATER RUSHING)
We cannot carry on just plunging around in the darkness, hoping to find the beach. And, anyway, what is that noise?
Richard: I would say that... is a waterfall. Is it something you want to come across in the dark? Because the other thing I'd say about that sound - it might be my imagination, but that sounds as though it's coming from below, like we're above it. We have climbed up that track. And a waterfall is a drop, by definition. If we're... I don't want to... in the dark. Abandon. I'm not doing it. We'll do it tomorrow. Sun. Let's look at the stars and have one more night in Namibia. We'll find it tomorrow and it'll be fantastically glorious.
Richard: Tomorrow on the beach.
Jeremy: Giovanni! The next morning, daylight brought answers to our questions. So it wasn't a waterfall. No, it was many waterfalls. Hundreds of waterfalls. And they were just part of what we all agreed was the most beautiful view we'd ever seen. But... many waterfalls. No beach that I can see. Does that count as a beach?
Jeremy: That is a beach.
James: I'd call that a beach. The beach. That's got to be it. There's no others. Gentlemen, our quest is at an end. Let us ride... in splendour... to... I'm not finishing that very well. What is it? It's very moving. I'm trying to think of something evocative and Victorian and brilliant.
Richard: "Let's go over there and finish our journey"? No, that's Brummie rubbish! It is! It's the fact.
Jeremy: Unable to find the right words to mark the moment... we set off anyway. Yeah, this is it. We are half a kilometre from our objective. Oh. Oh, no. Path ends. Path ends. Erm... Oh, my God! Well, if this won't get over there, there's no way will theirs.
Jeremy: We split up to look for a path through the rocks...
James: Oh, no! ...but it was hopeless. Forget it. Hammond, forget it. We aren't going down this hill. The problem is, even if we could get over this stuff, which we can't...
Richard: No, we can't. ...have you seen what's between us and the beach? Look at it. There's no way you could drive over that or anywhere near. Look, you can't even go inland. No, we can't go there. And you can't go around that mountain and come at it from the back, cos they're cliffs. Wait a minute. What? I've had... a great idea.
Richard: Oh, no. No. So we can't drive over here. But we have to get us and our cars to that beach over there. If there were to be some kind of... A mounting point on that cliff, maybe, and then- Do what? No. Mounting point down there. Over that distance? That's a huge distance. It's about half a kilometre. No! But can you imagine the forces on it? The things at the end are gonna have to be... Huge. Massive. Jeremy, we don't all live in a cartoon. We will die! Dead!
Richard: Given that there were no alternatives, we had to go with the ape's plan, which was to turn our beach buggies into cable cars. That's over two metres. Yeah, that's good enough. So we headed to a nearby abandoned mine... to scavenge materials.
James: Is that bit any good? How much more of that cable have we got? Four drums. Are you proposing that that becomes a winding drum? Yeah. It's very important... we get as much weight as possible into Hammond's car... for erm... well, for your amusement.
(COUGHS)
(METAL CLATTERING)
Right, toolbox.
(CLANGING AND GRUNTING)
James: How much do you want?
Jeremy: 30 metres.
James, have you got that hoop welded in yet? No, that's my next job.
Richard: Several days later, and with absolutely no help whatsoever from any Namibian mining engineers... the world's first beach buggy cable car was ready, and-
Jeremy: sh1t! Stop, everybody! The goats are eating the tree that we've anchored it to. Shoo, goats! Shoo!
(BLEATING)
They were eating the tree.
Richard: Anyway, as I was saying, it stretched for more than a third of a mile. And since the drop to the crocodile-infested river was several hundred feet, we decided James should go first. We had a vote. Did you? We did, and we were unanimous you were going first. Right, so it's become a democracy all of a sudden?
Jeremy: Yes, it has.
Richard: Yeah. And anyway, your car's the lightest, now you've burned half of it away. I'm climbing in. Jesus!
Jeremy: With the state-of-the-art generators fired up...
(CHUGGING)
...James fortified himself for the journey... Is he drinking? ...and then simply drove off the launch pad.
James: Oh, my God! Whoa!
(CREAKING)
Oh, sh1t! It's really high! It's really high! I'm turning the engine off.
Richard: We had to test it.
Jeremy: Well, exactly. He had to go first. Don't look at us and think we're bad. Because that was scientifically vigorous.
(CREAKING)
It's a cable car. It's a cable car. I've been on lots of cable cars. They're safe.
Jeremy: God. Look, he's... This is where it's high.
Richard: That's horrible. No! It's going really high! I don't like...
(SCREAMS)
James: I hate you!
OK.
He doesn't like us.
James: Despite my terror, the cable buggy kept on chugging through what's technically Angolan airspace towards the beach. God, I'm nearly there!
(CREAKING)
Neutral. Handbrake off. He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. I'm at the end!
Jeremy: He's down.
Richard: That's a landing. Yes! Do you know what, though? What? I'm doing maths here. Mm? One of us is gonna be killed doing this, obviously, yes? I'd say so, yeah. So when we were all here, 33% chance. Now I'm doing it with a 50% chance. Now you're doing it? I'm going next. I can go next. You can't go next. Why can't I go next?
(CREAKING)
Jeremy: Whilst James toasted his success with some more drink... I won the argument and prepared for launch.
Why is my car at this angle? Well, maybe because there's a massive V8 hanging out the back of it. Right! Right, right, right! I'll... here we go.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(GROANS)
My rectum has just opened like a set of theatre curtains. And for good reason, because my beach buggy weighed 200 kilograms more than James's charred wreck. Ooh! Ooh! He brushed the grass! I'm terrified, I'll be honest, but, for the first time since I set off, I'm comfortable in my beach buggy.
(METALLIC CLUNK)
Approaching the beach. Approaching the end of the journey. Here I come. And... touchdown! Yes!
Jeremy: Bad news, Hammond. I've made it. Oh, great. Sir? Oh, I say, James!
Jeremy: Actually, I was lucky there was some left, because James had had a bit of a thirst on whilst he'd been alone.
(GRUNTS)
Hello, guys down there. It's Richard at the top. Right, I'm gonna do this now, so goodbye. Oh! I don't like that feeling!
(GROANS)
(GROANING CONTINUES)
Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hammond. (GRUNTS) No! I could take solace from the fact that this system has already run twice with their cars and not failed it's been tested. Or I could take a more realistic view, which is that those two fat oafs have already weakened it.
Jeremy: Plus he had all that scrap metal in the back, which is why all eyes were on him. Well, when I say "all"... Look at the colours in those rocks over there. It's... It's fantastic. Just to the left of where Hammond is. Why's my car sitting so low? It is heavy. It is... Why's it lower? The colouring is fabulous, isn't it? Yeah, they are.
Richard: Despite all my fears, the cables were holding and drawing me ever closer to my colleagues. This is it. I can see the beach. I'm so nearly there. We are gonna do it! Come on, Hammond. Come on. I'm gonna do it. Come on, Hammond. Come on.
(CREAKING)
(METALLIC CLUNK)
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Oh. Erm... Why have I stopped?
Jeremy: Hammond!
James: Come on!
Richard: I've stopped!
Jeremy: Hammond! It's just stopped! What can I do? It's just stopped! There's, like, 200 metres to go! I don't have anything to do with it! It's not up to me! Is there nothing you can do? Sadly, James was too drunk to think, and I'm mechanically inept. Plus, whatever had gone wrong had gone wrong at the top, and we were at the bottom. Move! Move! Move! There's literally nothing we can do. We've assessed everything and you're in a hopeless position. We could have another beer. We've gonna have to conclude, I'm afraid, that Mr Wilman was right that the beach buggy is no good. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching. Good night.
♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ You don't know where you're at ♪ ♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ Watch out or you'll fall flat ♪ ♪ Instead of saying hi to the people that you meet ♪ ♪ You ought to say goodbye as you're walking down the street ♪ ♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ And you're gonna hit the ground ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Well, when you finally fall down, baby ♪ ♪ I don't wanna be around ♪ ♪ No ♪