[ EXT. Massacre Site - Day ]
( A sizable river runs by and birds sing in the trees. It is a beautiful day, despite the carnage at the surveyors' camp. Scalped bodies lay on the ground, the sound of FLIES heavy in the air. Some of the bodies have been loaded into the back of a buckboard wagon by two men. The CHICAGO TRIBUNE REPORTER is documenting the scene with his camera. His flash-pan WHOOSHES loudly. The horse hitched to the buckboard is startled by the sound and WHINNIES. )
( The reporter looks up from his camera towards the ridge to see a party of three men riding on horseback. One figure, on a white horse, rides ahead of the two other men. The two men with the reporter chamber rounds in their weapons. )
Reporter: It's Durant.
( DURANT dismounts, as do the two men. )
Reporter: ( to himself ) What the hell's he doing here?
( Durant walks up to the Reporter. )
Durant: Are you the Chicago Tribune reporter?
Reporter: Yes
Durant: Did you photograph this body?
Reporter: Y-yes, sir, Mr. Durant, but just-just the one body.
( Durant looks at the man, disgusted. )
Durant: What's wrong with you, man?
Reporter: I'm sorry. I thought...
Durant: Just the one won't do.
( The Reporter is confused. )
Durant: ( to the men by the buckboard ) Get those bodies off the wagons. Come on, snap to, boys.
( The men drag one man, the sentry who was shot first, from the wagon. They drag the sentry back to the field as Durant continues to talk to the reporter. )
Durant: I want this scene photographed exactly how you found it. I want an unblinking look at the horror perpetrated here.
( The Reporter is still confused. )
Durant: More arrows. We need more arrows.
( Durant gathers arrows and sticks them into random corpses lying in the meadow. He attempts to stick one into a man lying in front of the Reporter but it won't go in. Durant pushes it slowly in with a SQUISH, much to the Reporter's disgust. Durant looks up at him. )
Durant: He can't feel anything. He's dead, for God's sake.
( Durant turns as a man, identified as DURANT'S MAN, walks from the tree line. )
Durant: The maps. You find them?
Durant's man: ( shrugs ) No, sir. Nothing anywhere.
Durant: Keep looking.
Durant's other man (O.C.): Mr. Durant, over here!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: Woods ]
( Durant and his men walk towards two bodies, one being Sun Bear, the brave killed by Lily Bell. Durant kneels and rolls over the other. It is Robert Bell. )
Durant: Robert. ( stands ) Pack up everything. Bring it all back to Hell on Wheels.
( Durant is about to leave when something catches his eye in the grass. He bends to pick up the object. It is a silver pocket watch. He opens the hunting case and turns it to see the inside of the cover. There is a black and white photo of Lily Bell stuck to the watch cover. He looks at the photo a long while. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. The Cut - Day ]
( Men, both Negro and white, are working in the cut. BOHANNON walks along the top of the cut, monitoring work. He looks at ELAM before continuing on. Two men approach on horseback at a gallop. One, Dix, has long brown hair. The other, BOLAN, has short, sandy hair and a beard and wears a Union jacket. Bohannon notices them and puts his hand on the grip of his gun. Elam climbs out of the cut and stands next to Bohannon as Dix and Bolan approach. )
Elam: ( quietly ) They found Johnson's body. Everybody back in camp talk 'bout it.
( Bohannon turns to Elam. )
Bohannon: Get the hell back in that cut.
( Elam doesn't move. Bolan arrives first and pulls his horse to a stop. )
Bolan: You Cullen Bohannon?
( Bohannon and Elam stare at Bolan. )
Bolan: You hear about Daniel Johnson's murder?
Bohannon: Who wants to know?
Bolan: ( raises eyebrows and smirks ) Why you so spooked, son?
Bohannon: I guess I still ain't cottoned to the sight of Union blue riding up on me.
( Bolan chuckles and smiles. He turns to Dix, who gives a small smile. )
Bolan: You ought to be happy to see us.
Bohannon: Yeah? And why's that?
Bolan: Boss wants to talk to you about taking Johnson's job.
( Bohannon sighs and looks at Elam )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Hell on Wheels - Same Day ]
( Town is bustling with activity after the move to a new location. People are setting up their tents. MICKEY is pulling up a pole that forms part of the framework for the Magic Lantern Show tent. )
( SEAN exits the Starlight Saloon with two bottles of liquor. He crosses the street to Mickey and hands him a bottle. )
Sean: Here you go, Mickey. ( puts his arm around Mickey's shoulder ) Yeah.
( Near the rail line, Bohannon rides his horse, following Dix and Bolan. Bohannon is smoking a cigar. )
( CLOSE ON man hanging from a makeshift gallows )
( The trio arrive at their destination and dismount. Bohannon follows Bolan up the steps of a caboose. Bohannon removes his hat and puts out his cigar with his boot before entering. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Caboose ]
( A large, imposing man dressed in a black waistcoat sits praying over a piece of hardtack at his desk. This is THOR GUNDERSEN. The hanged man can be seen through the window behind him. )
Swede: We thank thee Lord for this bounty you have placed before me.
( He finishes and looks up at Bohannon. He indicates a chair across from his desk. )
Swede: Sit down.
( Bolan pulls up a chair across from the Swede's desk. The Swede dips the hardtack in a bowl of liquid. )
Swede: Sit down.
( Bohannon doesn't sit but eyes the Swede. The Swede calmly takes a bite of hardtack. Bohannon looks out the window at the hanged man. )
Swede: ( nods towards window ) Horse thief. Tor Gundersen, head of security for Mr. Thomas Durant.
( The Swede extends his hand. Bohannon shakes. )
Swede: They call me the Swede. ( beat ) I'm Norwegian but no matter. ( shrugs ) We are all Americans now, even you Rebels, yes?
( He smiles but Bohannon does not return it or respond. )
Swede: Hmm...Daniel Johnson told me that the two of you was cut from the same cloth.
Bohannon: ( scoffs ) Yeah? I don't think so.
Swede: ( bits into hardtack ) Why is that? Did you not like him?
Bohannon: ( shrugs and shakes head ) He was my boss. That's about all there was to it.
Swede: And drinking companion, yes?
Bohannon: ( nods ) We tore it up some.
Swede: I understand the two of you was "tearing it up some" on the night he was murdered. In fact, you was seen leaving the saloon with him. Hmm?
( The two men stare each other down for a moment. Bohannon smirks. )
Bohannon: Yeah. ( looks toward Bolan and Dix ) I'm not here to talk about Johnson's job, am I?
Swede: ( laughing ) Is that what they told you?
( Bolan and Dix stand near the door, chuckling. Bolan has placed himself in front of the door. The Swede continues to chew on the hardtack. )
Bohannon: You a lawman, Mr. Swede?
Swede: Hmm?
Bohannon: 'Cause I don't see no badge.
Swede: ( brushes off his clothes ) Oh, no. There's no official law out here yet.
Bohannon: Then what authority you got to be interrogating me?
Swede: ( looks up ) Mr. Durant has appointed me to bring some order to the chaos out here.
Bohannon: When's the last time you took a look outside, Mr. Swede? ( beat ) Looks to me like chaos is winnin'.
Swede: Well, when harlots and dipsomaniacs are killed, I lose not a minute's sleep. But Daniel Johnson was a valuable asset to Mr. Durant.
Bohannon: Daniel Johnson was hated by just about every man who worked for him.
Swede: ( with interest ) Any with a reason to kill him? ( beat ) Perhaps one of the Negroes. ( nods ) I heard he had some trouble with them. Hmm?
Bohannon: I wouldn't know nothing about that.
Swede: ( skeptical ) Hmm...Ja, ja.
( He sweeps the crumbs from the hardtack with his pinky and he mutters in Norwegian. He looks up at Bohannon. )
Swede: Well, that leaves only you then.
Bohannon: ( beat ) You know what? I'm done here. This ain't no court.
( The Swede grips a double-barrel, pistol-grip coach gun that is holstered to the underside of his desk. Bohannon moves towards the door. As he passes, Dix pulls Bohannon back by his coat pocket. Bohannon unsheathes a knife and nicks Dix. He holds the knife to Bolan's throat. The unmistakable CLICKS of the hammers going back on the shotgun stops Bohannon in his tracks. )
( The Swede holds up the gun, the word "BEAUTY" carved on the side of one barrel. )
Swede: This here's Beauty.
( Bolan swings Bohannon's knife away from his throat. He pulls out his pistol and cocks back the hammer. He straightens his jacket, indignant. )
Swede: She's an old piece, but she still shoots true.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Pig Car ]
( The Swede shoves Bohannon into the car. Bohannon hits the far side of the cart and falls. The Swede holds him by the neck. He puts on manacles that are tethered around one of the floor boards. )
( Bolan stands near the door, his pistol trained on Bohannon. )
Swede: We gonna give you a chance to confess to this crime.
( He nods and Bohannon looks up at him in fear. The Swede slowly turns away and leaves. Bolan holsters his pistol and slides the door shut. The CLANK of the chains can be heard as he locks Bohannon in. )
( Bohannon waits a moment before pulling at the chain looped around the floor board. The board CREAKS but it doesn't budge. He pulls again but falls on his backside. He looks out at the hanging man and sighs, his eyes wild. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Nebraska Territory - Day ]
( LILY BELL walks slowly near a river, the map case tucked under her arm. She is disheveled and covered in blood. She hears the SNORT of a horse and looks around. )
( Through the trees, she sees several men on horseback. )
( She drops to the ground, wincing in pain. )
( The men ride out of the trees. There are three Cheyenne men. )
( Lily crouches behind a fallen tree, peering through the branches. )
( The men dismount and hitch their horses to a large tree. Two of them begin to gather fuel for a fire while the third, PAWNEE KILLER, looks towards the log Lily is hiding behind. She crouches, terrified. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ]
( Bohannon sits with his back against the wall. He digs with his heel at the straw strewn on the floor. He sees a large nail sticking up from the floor boards. Bohannon moves to kneel near the nail and starts to scratch at the wood around it. He grips the nail and starts to pull at it. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INTERCUT BETWEEN ]
[ FLASHBACK - INT. Bohannon Farmhouse - Some time before 1864 ]
( FROM Bohannon's POV )
( The camera pans down a hallway and moves towards the front porch of the house. A woman with auburn hair is sitting in a chair cross stitching. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ]
( Bohannon continues to pull at nail. )
( FLASHBACK INT/EXT. Bohannon Farmhouse, Porch - Sometime before 1864 )
( PUSH IN on woman's cross stitch. It is a picture of a yellow farmhouse with a magnolia tree blossoming in front of it. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ]
( Bohannon continues to work at nail )
( FLASHBACK I/E Bohannon Farmhouse, Porch - Sometime before 1864 )
( The woman looks up as someone puts his hands on her shoulders. She smiles as she looks up at Bohannon. This is Mary Bohannon, his wife. He smiles down at her. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ]
( Sweat beads on the end of Bohannon's nose as he strains at the nail. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Nebraska Territory - Same Day ]
( Lily dozes, leaning against the fallen tree. )
( Pawnee Killer and his men are camped out only a few feet away from Lily's hiding spot. One man brushes his hair with a silver brush while the other puts more wood on the fire. )
( JOSEPH walks out of the woods towards the camp. The men do not hear him approach. )
Joseph: Where is she?
( The three men jump to their feet at the sound of Joseph's voice. )
Pawnee Killer: Hello, little brother. What are you doing way out here?
( Joseph takes the brush from the men. )
Joseph: Where's the woman?
( He holds out the brush to Pawnee Killer. It was Lily's once. )
Pawnee Killer: We don't have her. Yet.
Joseph: You kill white men, that's one thing. But you take one of their women and you'll have every damn one of them hunting you down.
Pawnee Killer: ( nods ) Good. I'll count coup and get more scalps.
Joseph: I hope it was worth it.
( Joseph turns and starts to walk away. )
Pawnee Killer: What about the scalps you took?
( Joseph stops and looks over his shoulder. )
Pawnee Killer: You act so pure now, but I remember a time when you loved the taste of blood.
( Joseph turns more fully towards Pawnee Killer. )
Joseph: ( nods ) Jesus has forgiven me for that.
Pawnee Killer: ( nods ) Jesus may have forgiven you but do you think your white friends would?
( Joseph stays silent and walks away. )
Pawnee Killer: ( calling after Joseph ) You better find her before I do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT/EXT. Hell on Wheels, Pig Car - That Night ]
( Bohannon is still struggling to pull up the floorboard. He grunts as he strains at his chains. )
( Elam walks up to the car. )
Elam: Hey. Hey.
( Bohannon stops and looks up, confused. )
Elam: You'd be surprised how fast you get used to the feel of them things.
Bohannon: What the hell are you doing here?
( Bohannon goes back to working on his chains. )
Elam: Wanted to know if you be fixing to testifying on me.
Bohannon: I don't know. Ain't decided yet.
Elam: I know about that sergeant.
( Bohannon stops and looks up again. )
Elam: Heard Johnson say some other things, too. Things about men getting killed in churches and such.
( Bohannon goes back to work. )
Bohannon: Yeah, what's your point?
Elam: Point is, I be hanging for Johnson, you gonna drop down right beside me for the folks you done killed.
( Bohannon moves to the side of the car so he can look Elam in the eye. )
Bohannon: Tell you what, you tell your story and then I'll tell mine and we'll see who they believe.
Elam: ( nods ) Yeah, who'll believe some nigger slave over a white man?
Bohannon: ( chuckles ) Relax, son. Ain't nobody hanging nobody.
( Bohannon moves back to pull at the floorboard. )
Elam: I ain't your damn son.
Bohannon: Well, I'll be out of her by tomorrow.
Elam: I imagine that's what that horse thief done said.
( Bohannon looks up at Elam. Elam hears a wagon coming and runs off. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. McGinnes Brothers' Magic Lantern Show Tent - Same Night ]
( A crowd is leaving after another successful magic lantern show. SEAN leans against table holding the magic lantern while MICKEY holds open the tent flap, seeing patrons out. The Swede sits silently on a bench, still staring at the screen. Mickey and Sean look at each other and then the Swede. )
Mickey: Did you enjoy the show, sir?
( The Swede doesn't look up, instead admiring the projected image of a bridge over a river. )
Swede: Very moving images of home, boys.
Sean: But you don't sound Irish.
Swede: I ain't, but my heart was moved nonetheless. ( sighs ) We all yearning for our homeland out here in this strange place.
Sean: ( pulls out the slide ) Excuse me, sir, have we met?
Swede: We have not. ( rises and turns to the brothers ) Folks 'round here call me the Swede. ( extends his hand to Mickey ) You got yourself a prime location here, boys.
Mickey: ( steps forward and shakes the Swede's hand ) Yes, siree. Right between the whores and the liquor.
( Sean looks worried. )
Mickey: ( laughs ) Picked it out meself.
Sean: What is it you want, Mr. Swede?
Swede: I like that. Right to the point. And the point is nice location like this got a nice price attached to it.
( Sean nods, realizing why the Swede is there. Mickey is suddenly very grave. )
Sean: I should have realized there was a reason this spot wasn't taken. I should have seen this comin'.
Swede: I take it you're the smart one.
Sean: Aye.
( Mickey makes a protesting sound. )
Sean: So how much you want, Mr. Swede?
Swede: Ah, once again, right to the point. Uh, two dollars a week. First payment due this Friday.
Mickey: ( incensed ) But that's half our flippin' take!
Swede: ( loudly ) And for this two dollars you shall have my protection against all the villains that surround you in this wicked place.
( Sean looks skeptical. )
Mickey: And what if we don't pay?
Swede: Well, you can always move down to the slaughterhouse.
Sean: ( defiantly ) And what if we refuse to move?
Swede: ( smiles ) And I thought you was the smart one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Hell on Wheels, Near the Pig Car - Next Day ]
( A rooster CROWING and hens CLUCKING can be heard. The dirt roads in town are now mud, some places simply deep puddles from rain. People slowly go about their morning business. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Pig Car - Day ]
( Bohannon is still trying to pry up the nail. He hears the CLANK of the chains on the door and looks up to see the shadow of someone about to open the door. He throws straw around the nail and quickly sits with his back to the wall. )
( The door slides open. The camera pans up from a pair of black boots to reveal the Swede. He has removed his coat. A silver charm of Thor's hammer hangs from his pocket watch chain. He smiles as he surveys the pig car. He pulls a crate across the room and sits down. The crate CREAKS under his weight. The Swede looks at Bohannon for a moment before carefully beginning to eat. )
Swede: I used to be a bookkeeper.
Bohannon: You look like a bookkeeper.
Swede: Hmm. I was always more comfortable around numbers than people. I could control numbers.
Bohannon: The war put a stop to that, didn't it?
( The Swede chews for a moment and looks at Bohannon. )
Bohannon: You're suffering from the Soldier's Heart, Mr. Swede. Yeah, I can see it in your eyes. You're still fighting them battles.
Swede: I saw no battles. I was a quartermaster. More numbers. I never even saw the enemy 'til our supply train was captured and I become prisoner of war.
Bohannon: Andersonville?
Swede: ( nods ) That's right. Way down in the great state of Georgia. Total chaos ruled. Thirty thousand prisoners, fourteen thousand dead. I weighed two hundred pounds when I went it, and eighty-six when I come out. I just couldn't make them numbers add up.
( He pulls up left sleeve to reveal a large red scar )
Swede: I awoke one night to find one of my own men trying to eat the flesh from my arm. He thought I was dead. But I realized that night I had to control people like I control numbers and I learned to practice a sort of immoral mathematics. And I did some... ( whispers ) horrible...not so good things in Andersonville, Mr. Bohannon. Ja? In the end, I found I was able to make them numbers add up.
( He finishes eating and rests spoon against bowl rim. )
Swede: ( brighter ) So, have you thought about that confession?
Bohannon: I figured by your math you're gonna hang me either way.
Swede: Ja.
( The Swede slowly rises and turns to go. )
Bohannon: You know why the man didn't finish eating your sorry ass?
( The Swede turns around and steps closer to Bohannon. )
Swede: Hmm?
Bohannon: 'Cause you Yankees all taste like sh1t.
( Bohannon suddenly kicks out and knocks the bowl and spoon from the Swede's hands. The Swede shouts in anger. Bohannon prepares himself for retribution but the Swede gets hold of himself. )
Swede: ( calmly ) Get right with your Maker, Mr. Bohannon. Soon as we cut down the horse thief, you gonna hang.
( The Swede exits and shuts and locks the door. He stares down Bohannon between the slats of the car before leaving. Bohannon waits a moment before he moves towards the spoon and bowl the Swede left behind. They are beyond the reach of his hands. He kicks the bowl away and drags the spoon towards him with his foot. The spoon gets caught between two floorboards. He strains but can't get it free. He scissors it between his feet and lifts it from the crevice. Grabbing it from his feet, he quickly brushes away the straw from the nail. Using the spoon as a lever, he starts pry it up. He chuckles to himself as it pulls slowly from the wood. He holds the nail in his hands, looking at it. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ]
( The Swede cuts down the horse thief from the gallows with the help of Dix. Bohannon pulls out another nail and then another. He stands and pulls at his chains. After a moment, the board comes free. Bohannon looks out of the train car and sees the Swede approaching. Using the board he's pried loose, Bohannon levers another board free. He pulls another loose with his hands. )
( The Swede is unlocking the door. )
( Bohannon slips through the hole in the floor. He reaches up and feels around for his hat for a moment before grabbing it. )
( The Swede pulls open the door and sees that Bohannon has escaped. He looks through the hole in the floor. He is distraught. )
( Bohannon crouches under the train platform. He loops the chain around his wrists and hides his still manacled hands in his hat. Bohannon slips through camp. )
( The Swede has Bolan and Dix with him and they search around the platform looking for Bohannon but he has already moved on. )
( Bohannon blends in with a group of workers. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Nebraska Territory-Same Day ]
( Durant's party and the Reporter and his party are on their way back to Hell on Wheels. Durant's men ride on horseback, one leading Durant's white horse along. )
Durant (O.C.): Write this down: outnumbered five to one, eight white Christian souls were brutally slaughtered by the marauding, bloodthirsty war party of merciless savages.
( The camera pans over the wagon of dead bodies as they rattle on the journey back to Hell on Wheels. Durant rides in a second wagon with the reporter. )
Reporter: Outnumbered five-to-one?
Durant: Make it ten-to-one.
( The Reporter hesitates before writing. )
Durant: Amongst the murdered were Robert Bell, ( swats a bug ) visionary surveyor the Union Pacific Railroad. His beautiful wife, Lily, the Fair-Haired Maiden of the West, was sullied by the savage pack, then carried off into slavery in their filthy camp.
Reporter: What does sullied mean again?
Durant: It will mean whatever the reader wants it to mean. My road will bring civilization to these untamed western lands. And the Fair-Haired Maiden of the West represents nothing less than civilization itself.
Reporter: You see this as sort of rallying cry?
Durant: Yes, now you're getting it.
Reporter: Save her at all costs.
Durant: Save her, yes but I want national troops brought in to clear every last savage from the path of my road.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Pawnee Killer's camp - Same Day ]
( Lily awakes, leaning against the same log she hid behind when the war party arrived. She sits up and winces in pain. Crouching, she peers over the log and sees the campfire abandoned. She stumbles up to the ashes of the campfire and kneels beside them. It is still smoldering. )
( Lily unbuttons her dress and examines the wound in her left shoulder. It is still bloody and very deep. She pulls at the boning in her corset. She struggles but pulls a piece free. She breaks it into a smaller piece and bites down on the end. She tugs at the hem of her skirt until she comes away with a long strand of thread. )
( Lily wraps the thread around the makeshift needle she had made from the boning. She takes a moment, breathing deeply and looking at the sky, preparing herself for what she must do. She pushes the needle through the skin around her wound. She cries out, biting down on the bandage on her hand to stifle the sound. She makes several passes of the needle before she is done. She closes her eyes, her lashes wet with tears and falls backwards onto the grass, unconscious from the pain. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Hell on Wheels - Same Day ]
( Men and women walk the muddy roads. The Swede and Dix are still searching for Bohannon. )
( Bohannon, seeing the Swede draw closer, ducks into the church tent. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. The Church Tent ]
( Bohannon stumbles backwards into the tent, kicking the flap closed. )
Cole (O.C.): Welcome, brother.
( Bohannon turns at the sound of REVEREND COLE's voice, startled. Cole looks over Bohannon's chains. )
Cole: You must be that fellow they're-they're looking to hang.
( Cole picks up the chains that manacle Bohannon and holds them in his hands. )
Cole: You know St. Peter himself was chained like this and condemned to die? And he was freed by an angel.
( Bohannon looks Cole up and down before wresting the chains back from the Reverend. His look is skiddish. )
Bohannon: I ain't no Saint Peter, sir.
Cole: Yeah, and I'm no angel.
( Bohannon moves to the tent flap and peers out. )
( The Swede is just outside but he hasn't seen Bohannon. )
( Bohannon closes the flap. He is terrified. Cole moves to the flap and steps through. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Just outside the Church Tent ]
Cole: Peace be with you sir.
Swede: ( shakes Cole's hand ) And with you, Reverend, and with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent; Bohannon dashes to the altar and picks up a heavy-looking cross. He readies himself to swing. ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Outside Church Tent ]
Cole: I hear your prisoner escaped.
Swede: ( nods ) Ja, we'll find him, it's just a matter of time.
Cole: I'll be sure to keep an eye out for him.
Swede: Careful he's a dangerous man.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent ]
( Bohannon is surprised but still stands ready to swing. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Outside the Church Tent ]
( The Swede walks away, followed by Dix. Cole re-enters the tent. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent ]
Cole: Brother, we need to talk.
Bohannon: I thought you were going to turn me in.
Cole: No, the Lord instructs me to give sanctuary, even to the condemned.
Bohannon: Yeah? What he say about ( holds up his arms ) cutting off a pair of cuffs?
( Cole takes the cross from Bohannon. )
Cole: You're on your own there.
( Bohannon shrugs and looks away. Cole reaches out towards Bohannon, who recoils slightly. )
Cole: You know, you best set things in your heart before you go a-swinging, son.
Bohannon: They ain't gonna hang me.
Cole: ( chuckles ) Nevertheless, one day your name will be called and on that day, you must answer.
( Bohannon sighs and bends to pick up his hat. He taps on a chair to get rid of the dust. )
Bohannon: I know it.
Cole: And what are you going to say?
Bohannon: I did the best that I could in a bad time.
Cole: Now see, I understand that. Better than you know. But it won't be good enough for him. So all you got to do ( gets on his knees ) is get down on your knees.
Bohannon: I seen plenty of men get down on their knees and call His name out in terrible time. I seen their prayers answered by a bullet, more often than not.
Cole: It's-it's hard to comprehend, son, I know and it's impossible sometimes. But He is here and His mercy knows no bounds. So, just bend them knees and ask for forgiveness.
Bohannon: Nah, sir. I won't do it.
( Bohannon walks past Cole to the tent flap. )
Cole: 'Cause the Lord took your faith?
Bohannon: 'Cause I don't deserve forgiveness.
( Bohannon steps out of the tent, leaving Cole alone, kneeling on the ground. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Mickey and Sean's Tent - Same Day ]
( Sean goes to a suitcase and pulls out a wad of cash from a secret flap. )
Mickey: Oi! We can't use that.
Sean: Ma would understand.
Mickey: What about next week? And the week after? This ain't gonna stop. There's nothing we can do about this b*st*rd.
Sean: That's what you said in Boston.
Mickey: ( through gritted teeth ) I thought you said we never were to speak of that.
Sean: ( smiles ) I got us out of that, I'll get us out of this.
Mickey: But, how?
( Sean shrugs and smiles again. )
Sean: Don't know yet. We'll figure something. ( shaking money ) One day, we'll send this to Ma ( puts his hand on Mickey's shoulder ) and it will be as thick as a brick.
( Mickey smiles and nods. )
Sean: My hand to God.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT/INT. Freedman's Tent - Same Day ]
( A man stands lookout, peering out the tent flap. Inside, Elam is attempting to break Bohannon's chains with a spike and a hammer. Elam's wrists are wrapped in thick scars. Bohannon winces with each strike of the hammer. He stares at Elam's scars. Elam notices and lifts his wrist. )
Elam: I had some jackrabbit in me too. Master gave me a nice pair of bracelets to sleep in. ( strike ) Somebody put you in chains, natural thing to do is to try to escape. ( strike ) Ain't I right? ( strike )
( Bohannon doesn't respond. Elam stares back at him. He raises the hammer and it is uncertain if he will strike the spike or Bohannon. )
Elam: Ain't I right.
( Bohannon grits his teeth. )
Bohannon: ( begrudgingly ) Yeah, you're right.
( Elam strikes the chains and they break with a CLATTER. The lookout turns towards Elam. )
Lookout: They coming.
Elam: You gonna make a run for it?
Bohannon: I ain't leaving.
( He gets up. )
Elam: They'll find you.
Bohannon: Not where I'm going.
( Bohannon crawls under the tent wall. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Wilderness - Day ]
( Lily lies in the grass, fading in and out of consciousness. A large bird of prey circles overhead. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION - EXT. Survey Site - Day ]
( Robert sits in a field of tall grass, working on a map. He looks up at Lily. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Wilderness - Day ]
( Lily gasps. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION - EXT. Field - Day ]
( She and Robert stand together in a field of yellow flowers. He holds her by the waist and they press their foreheads together, both smiling. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Wilderness - Day ]
( Lily reaches out to her hallucination. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION - EXT. Field - Day ]
( Robert looks straight at Lily/camera before fading away, leaving behind the field of yellow flowers undulating in the wind. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: Wilderness - Day ]
( Lily looks up into the sky and sees three birds circling. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO:EXT. Further upriver ]
( Pawnee Killer and his men ride along the river. He stops at the SOUND of the birds and motions for his men to stop. They do. Pawnee Killer turns to see the birds circling over a stand of trees. He cries out and wheels his horse around towards the trees. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: Stand of trees ]
( Lily, now sitting upright. Hears the men TALKING. She grabs the maps, gets to her feet, and hurries away. The men are getting closer. She looks back towards the trees. She doesn't see Joseph until he grabs her, covering her mouth. She tries to scream but her cries are muffled in his hand. She struggles against him but he holds her fast. )
( Pawnee Killer's party look through the trees but do not spot Joseph or Lily. )
( Lily sees the men and stops struggling. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Just outside Hell on Wheels - Same Day ]
( Durant and the Reporter have returned. The Swede rides up on a brown horse to meet them. He wheels his horse around and rides alongside Durant. He looks over the bodies in the buckboard. )
Swede: So it's true.
( Durant makes a sound in the affirmative. )
Swede: ( skeptical ) Everyone?
Durant: Everyone but the woman.
Swede: Them Injuns get her?
Durant: I don't know. Get the word out, one hundred dollars reward for anyone who finds her. But, uh ( looks over his shoulder ) not a word about the maps.
Swede: Yeah.
( The Swede looks over his shoulder as well. )
( The wagon train arrives at Durant's car. He dismounts from his horse straight onto the platform of his car. One of his men take the horse away and Swede rides off. Durant takes off his gloves and enters his car. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Durant's car ]
( Durant takes off his hat and set his hat and gloves on his desk. Bohannon stands just behind the door of the car. Durant turns, confused but not startled to see him standing there. )
Bohannon: ( nods ) Mr. Durant.
Durant: ( still confused ) Who the hell are you?
Bohannon: Cullen Bohannon. ( holds up shackles ) The man they're looking to hang.
Durant: For killing Johnson. ( nods ) I suppose you're here to tell me you're innocent.
Bohannon: ( shakes head ) Nah, sir. ( beat ) I'm here to ask for his job.
( Durant's face shifts from confusion to shock. )
Durant: How do you put your trousers on, son?
( Now Bohannon is confused. )
Bohannon: Sir?
Durant: Over those big balls of yours.
( Durant narrows his eyes. Bohannon smirks, mildly amused. He walks to the window and peers out behind the shade. He turns back to Durant, holding his hand up. He locks the door with the other hand, with an audible CLICK. )
Bohannon: Two minutes that's all I ask.
( Durant waits for a beat before going to his desk. He pulls out a small six-shot pistol and sets it on an open ledger. Bohannon works his jaw, unsure of what is to happen next. Durant opens and looks at his pocket watch. )
Durant: Two minutes.
( He sets the watch next to the gun. He sits behind his desk. Bohannon gestures to the gun with his hat. )
Bohannon: You fight in the war, Mr. Durant?
Durant: I served my country in other ways.
Bohannon: Well, building this railroad ain't much different from a war. You got an army out there and they need a leader.
Durant: I take you fought for the South, ( drawls ) Mr. Bohannon.
Bohannon: ( smirks ) Yes, sir. ( nods ) And that's exactly why you need to hire me.
Durant: ( confused ) You're going to have to explain that to me.
Bohannon: Can't remember a time I wasn't outgunned, outmanned, or outsupplied fighting you Yankees, ( steps forward ) but I damn sure whooped your asses more often than not.
Durant: ( raises eyebrows ) Is that so?
Bohannon: Yes, sir. My men rode to Hell and back for me, Mr. Durant. That's why you need me out here.
Durant: What do you know about railroads?
Bohannon: Well, I had to know how they was built so I could know could figure out best how to blow them up. You remember the Baltimore and Ohio Bridge over the Monocacy River?
Durant: I built that bridge before the war.
Bohannon: ( chuckles ) Well, I blew the whole thing up using half a keg of blackpowder.
( Durant is clearly irritated and Bohannon tries a different tack. )
Bohannon: But I'm done destroying things, Mr. Durant. I want to help you build this railroad
Durant: Why should I trust my railroad to a Grayback?
( Bohannon is more than a little irritated and frowns. )
Bohannon: You didn't have too much trouble trusting Graybacks when you was smuggling cotton out of Mississippi during the war, now did you?
( Durant is incensed someone knows his secret. )
Durant: You walk a fine line, son.
Bohannon: Forty miles, Mr. Durant. Ain't no secret you got to lay forty miles of usable track before your government money kicks in. Now, you and I both know that you ain't going to get there going at this rate. You don't get that $16,000 a mile, ( gestures to ceiling of car ) this whole thing goes belly up. ( beat ) You're fighting a war, Mr. Durant. No doubt about it. You need me to help you win it.
( Bohannon and Durant regard each other for a moment. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: EXT. Outside Durant's car ]
( The Swede and his men are still searching for Bohannon. Bohannon steps out of Durant's car, Durant close behind. The Swede sees Bohannon and does a double take. He runs toward Bohannon. )
Swede: Son of a bitch.
( He cocks back the hammers on Beauty. Bohannon stops. )
Durant: What the hell are you doing man?
Swede: ( almost gleeful ) That's the son of the bitch who killed Johnson. We gonna hang him.
( A few of the Freedmen stand on the other side of the tracks watching. Elam is among them. )
Durant: Nonsense. ( gestures to Bohannon ) This man is my new foreman.
( The Swede looks up Durant, very confused. )
Durant: Find me someone else to hang.
( Durant returns to his car. Bohannon stares down the Swede and walks towards him. The Swede keeps his gun up and pointed at Bohannon. Bohannon walks away. He passes Elam and taps the brim of his hat in salute. Elam nods to him, smiling. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Hell on Wheels - That evening ]
( Bohannon walks towards the railroad office tent. Durant's man stands outside the tent. He looks Bohannon up and down. )
Durant's man: You're the new foreman?
Bohannon: Yeah.
( The Swede stands nearby, though Bohannon does not notice him. )
Bohannon: ( nods towards tent ) Is Johnson's things still in there?
Durant's man: Yeah. You want me to clear it out?
Bohannon: Leave it.
( Bohannon walks into the tent. Durant's man tips his hat to Bohannon and walks away. )
Durant's man: Yes, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ CUT TO: INT. Railroad office tent ]
( Bohannon takes off his hat as he ducks into the tent. He removes his coat, throwing it on the bed. Bohannon removes his Griswold from the holster on his belt. He sits in a chair and spins the cylinder of the gun, checking the chambers. He holsters the weapon and sighs. He looks around his new surroundings and spies a piece of fabric hanging out of his coat pocket. He pulls it out. It is the cross-stitch his wife had been working on in the flashback, though it has faded some. He runs his fingers over the stitches before bringing it to his nose and sniffing it. He closes his eyes. )


[In the opening scene, we see Drew Boyd, freaking out during the photo shoot for the Brown Athletics underwear ad.]
Drew: (talking into his cell) I don't give a sh1t. I need to talk to him now! (Pacing around) Stuart. I can't do this.
Brian: What the f*ck is going on here?
Photographer: Your subject is being most uncooperative.
Ted: He said he made a big mistake. He's talking to his agent.
Brian: Well, did you remind him that he has a contract?
Ted: Yeah, I did remind him.
Drew: No, I'm not gonna grin and bear it! You're gonna get me out of this!
Brian: Anything I can do to help?
Drew: Yeah. You can get me my pants.
Brian: Before I do that, why don't we discuss your concerns?
Drew: There's nothing to discuss. I'm not doing it!
Brian: It's a little bit late for that, isn't it?
Drew: I'm Drew Boyd. I call the shots.
Brian: Except when I have the ball.
Drew: I'm feeling kind of exposed, you know? I'm not used to standing around in my shorts.
Brian: What about in the locker room? You stand around in a lot less.
Drew: In the locker room everyone's showing their ass.
[Brian smiles. Cut to Drew posing in his underwear, the photographer snapping away. Panning around the room, we see that everybody's in their underwear. Most everybody's in black, but Brian's wearing those long gray jockey shorts. And Ted has boxers.]
Ted: Christ, he's hot. What a pity he's straight.
Brian: Well, even if he weren't, do you think he'd f*ck you wearing those? (He casts a derisive glance at Ted's boxers).
Ted: I wasn't expecting to be standing around in my shorts.
Brian: I don't know if he's gonna sell any underwear, but he sure as hell is gonna sell a lot of Kleenex.
[Cut to post-coital Emmett and Drew in a motel room.]
Drew: Once I got used to everybody staring at me in my shorts, it got to be a real turn-on.
Emmett: But only I know what's under them. Guess we'd better get up!
Drew: What's your hurry?
Emmett: Well, soon as we're through you always bound out of bed and race to the showers, so I just assumed -
Drew: I wanna just lie here.
Emmett: You sure?
Drew: You see me moving?
Emmett: (settles back down, with his head on Drew's rock hard abs) Mmm...what's the world coming to? First a kiss, then stickin' around... next thing you know, you'll be asking me to the big game. Yeah, I said too much, didn't I?
Drew: You know the rules.
Emmett: I know. What goes on in this room is between you, me and the four walls and must never leave here under penalty of death.
Drew: You got it, sport.
[He smacks Emmett's butt and gets up to take a shower.]
[Michael frantically tries to reach Hunter on his cell phone, while Ben grades papers.]
Michael: Straight to voice mail. What's the point of getting him a cell phone if he's not gonna pick up?
[Just then, the prodigal foster son returns.]
Michael: That's me going off in your pocket! How about answering it for a change?
Hunter: What's up your ass?
Michael: It's past 11:00.
Ben: You missed your curfew again. Where you been?
Hunter: Studying with a friend.
Michael: Every night this week?
Hunter: We're working on a project.
Ben: Who is this friend?
Hunter: Someone from school.
Ben: And the project?
Hunter: It's for science.
Michael: Penicillin's already been discovered. What have you found?
Hunter: What's with all the f*cking questions?
Michael: We would like an honest answer.
Hunter: I told you the truth. If you don't wanna believe me, that's your problem.
[He slams into his room.]
Michael: I hate to say it -
Ben: You don't have to. I know what you're thinking.
Michael: If he's out hustling again, I'll f*cking rip his balls off, as my dear mother would say.
Ben: Let's hope we've instilled more self-respect in him than that.
Michael: After the way he's been acting?
Ben: Whatever it is, we'll find out eventually.
Michael: Then what?
Ben: We'll just have to deal with it.
[Lindsay is a jittery mess. Her hands are shaking so badly that she can't even get the key in the lock to open up the gallery. Sam strolls up, smoking a cigar.]
Sam: Need any help?
Lindsay: No. Thanks. I can do it. I do it every morning. (She drops the keys). sh1t!
[Sam picks up the keys, bending down painfully.]
Sam: My back's been killing me ever since I did that goddamn mural. Hope Michaelangelo had a good chiropractor. Why haven't you returned my calls?
Lindsay: I've been busy. The show's been a huge success. Isn't it great? Almost everything sold.
Sam: Another month of alimony payments! My wives will be eternally grateful. I want to see you.
Lindsay: I can't.
Sam: Why not?
Lindsay: Why not? Try, 'I'm married.' I have a child and another one on the way. Oh, and did I happen to mention lest we forget that I'm a lesbian?
Sam: Did I mention that you sure don't f*ck like one?
[Lindsay closes her eyes briefly, draws a deep breath.]
Lindsay: Jesus Christ, Sam. Why do you have to be so crude?
Sam: You didn't mind the other night, rolling around on the floor, rutting like a -
Lindsay: What happened the other night was a mistake. A huge mistake.
Sam: Was it?
Lindsay: Yes, it was. Look, Sam. You inspire me. You challenge me. You make me laugh. I admire you so much. I guess I got confused, you know? And I crossed a line I shouldn't have.
Sam: When I was a kid, I didn't respect the lines. In my coloring books, I always crossed the lines. I didn't play the rules at all. I don't think that's always such a bad thing.
Lindsay: For an artist, no. But for a person, sometimes it makes sense to read the manual and follow instructions, dull as that may sound to you.
Sam: What about the part of you that secretly yearns for something else, the part of you that both of us know is there?
Lindsay: My house has many rooms; I occupy but a few. The rest go unvisited.
Sam: Who said that?
Lindsay: I did.
[She enters the gallery.]
[Apparently, Vic left some furniture to a local AIDS hospice in his will. Vic's furniture is delivered by the rather unlikely team of Michael, Justin, Ted and Melanie.]
Guy: Nice chest.
Michael: I think he's talking to the furniture.
Guy: [looking at Justin] That too.
Michael: Uncle Vic brought this to the hospice as well.
Director: He was always a good friend and a great supporter.
[Mel and Ted enters the hospice.]
Direcotr: [to Mel] Oh, I can't tell you how much we're appreciate this. We need all the help we can get.
Mel: Hopefully this new event coordinator will come through.
Director: He'd better.
Ted: They say he raised over $1 million for a hospice in Cincinnati.
Director: A million? My God. If we raise half that, we'll be in heaven.
[At the diner, Deb calls out to a guy sitting at the counter reading the sports section.]
Debbie: Hey, Freddy! How about those Ironmen? Are they somethin' else?
"Freddy": (in a gruff voice) Yeah, they're something else, alright.
Debbie: You oughta take something for that cold.
[She peeks behind the paper. It's not Freddy; it's Emmett!]
Debbie: Emmett! What are you doin' with the sports page?! Let me get you the style section, honey!
Emmett: No, no, Deb! These days, the sports page will do me just fine.
[A cop sits down at the counter.]
Cop: Hey, Deb.
Debbie: Hey, Bob. I haven't you seen an age. Where have you been?
Cop: Well, I had some trouble, but I'm on my feed again. So you see Carl?
Debbie: No, not lately.
Cop: You're there tonight?
Debbie: Where?
Cop: Policeman's ball. He took you last year.
Debbie: Yeah.
Cop: I remember. You're looking real nice.
Debbie: Thanks. I guess he must be taking someone else.
Emmett: Excuse me, officer? Anyone can go to the Policemen's Ball, am I correct?
Cop: Anyone who buys a ticket. I'll take the Pink Plate Special. Only make mine blue.
[He wanders off.]
Debbie: Don't tell me you're thinkin' of goin'.
Emmett: If I can find a date.
Debbie: Good luck.
Emmett: Hey - what about you?
Debbie: Me? What are you, out of your f*cking mind?
Emmett: Why not?
Debbie: You just heard, Carl's gonna be there! Probably with that lady he's been seeing.
Emmett: So? That's no reason not to go! In fact, all the more reason to be there! Show him what he's missing!
Debbie: Not much.
Emmett: Now, now! Let's keep our self-esteem - and our tits - up.
Debbie: Even if I wanted to go, "with my tits up," I've got nothing to drape 'em in.
Emmett: Just leave that to your fairy god- no, I'm not even gonna say it. Too trite. However [waves straw like magic wand], you will look fabulous. I guarantee it.
[Wracked by guilt, Lindsay confides in the one person least likely to judge her. Who needs a minister or therapist when you've got Brian?]
Lindsay: What have I done? Now he wants to see me again and of course I told him no, it's out of the question. I can never, never do that again.
Brian: Is he hung?
Lindsay: Brian!
Brian: I'm just curious. You're the last person I ever thought I'd discuss dick with.
Lindsay: This isn't about dick!
Brian: Since when?
Lindsay: I love Melanie.
Brian: Sure you do.
[He puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder.]
Lindsay: How could I have -
Brian: f*cked a guy?
Lindsay: It's not possible!
Brian: It's possible. Explaining it is the tricky part.
Lindsay: But I've always been -
Brian: A carpet muncher.
Lindsay: Except for that one time in college when you and I -
[Brian looks away, pained; he'd rather not be reminded.]
Lindsay: But that was just -
Brian: Midsummer madness.
[They both laugh.]
Brian: Still, there is a part of you that, once every decade or so, doesn't object to a stiff prick. Believe me, I understand.
Lindsay: I'm not so sure Melanie would.
Brian: Then don't tell her.
Lindsay: You're a big help.
Brian: Hey. It's okay to like cock! And it's okay to like pussy, just not at the same time. So - which one do you like?
[He shows her the pics of Drew.]
[Hunter pays a visit to Mikey at the comic store.]
Michael: Well, look who it is! Come to shoot the breeze? A little heart-to-heart? Spend some quality time with your dashing new dad?
Hunter: I need $20.
Michael: What do you want it for?
Hunter: My upwardly mobile lifestyle. Being a teenager is expensive.
Michael: You should have thought of that before you became one.
Hunter: So can I have it?
Michael: Why should I reward you for missing your curfew and being disrespectful to us?
Hunter: How the f*ck am I being disrespectful?
Michael: By not telling us the truth.
Hunter: I told you!
[Michael shows him the money.]
Michael: I'm not above paying for information. But first you've gotta come clean.
Hunter: I took a shower this morning.
Michael: Are you hustling?
Hunter: If I was hustling, would I be asking you for 20 bucks?
Michael: Good point. (He starts to give Hunter the money, then takes it back). But then again, maybe you're just trying to throw me off the track.
Hunter: For Christ sakes. I'm kind of dating someone, okay?
Michael: Really.
Hunter: Yeah, really. Is that so hard to imagine?
Michael: No, not at all! It's great - but why didn't you say so?
Hunter: You know how kids are at my age. We're trying to develop a sense of self, which often manifests itself in a reluctance to communicate with parents and other authority figures.
Michael: Here's $30. Go to the movies.
Hunter: Sweet!
[He grabs the money and leaves. The minute he's gone, Michael phones Ben.]
Michael: Ben? I hope you're sitting down. Guess what? Our boy has a boyfriend.
[Deb and Emmett at the Policemen's Ball. Deb is, um, resplendent in a red gown.]
Debbie: Are you sure I don't look like a fire hydrant? I wouldn't want any dogs to make a mistake!
Emmett: You do not look like a fire hydrant. You're positively glowing.
Debbie: Never mind glowing. Long as I'm not radioactive. (She catches site of Horvath, with a dowdy brunette dangling from his arm). sh1t! There's Carl! What do I do?
Emmett: What do you mean, what do you do? Just stand there and glow!
[He fake laughs and pulls Deb over to engage her in fake animated conversation. Carl and the Other Woman approach.]
Debbie: (with hearty fake surprise) Oh, hi, Carl!
Carl: Debbie. Emmett. What are you doing here?
Debbie: Well, it's a ball to raise money for the cops, isn't it? I've always had a soft spot for men in uniform.
Emmett: And I've always had a hard spot!
[That earns him a sharp jab in the ribs from Debbie.]
Carl: Debbie, Emmett, this is Katherine, the person I told you about.
Katherine: Nice to meet you both. You're certainly just as colorful as Carl said you were.
Debbie: Thanks.
Katherine: If you excuse me for a moment?
[There's an awkward pause.]
Emmett: Can I bring you a drink?
Debbie: Yes.
[Emmett leaves.]
Carl: I - uh - I wasn't expecting to see you.
Debbie: I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
Carl: No, no! I like - I mean, it's nice - I don't know what the hell I'm tryin' to say.
Debbie: You look very handsome.
Carl: You look very -
Debbie: Red.
[They both laugh, which breaks the ice a little.]
Carl: I'm glad to see you're gettin' out, enjoying yourself.
Debbie: Well, life goes on. Got no choice but to go on with it. [she listening a song] That song. They played it last year.
Carl: Yeah, they play it every year. They oughta get some new material.
Debbie: We danced to it.
Carl: I know.
Debbie: You're very good on your feet. We could take a quick spin around the floor. As friends, of course!
[Just then Katherine returns. She takes Carl's arm with a proprietary air.]
Katherine: (to Horvath) Shall we go now?
Carl: Sure.
Katherine: Nice to meet you, Deb.
[Carl and Katherine walk away, arms around each other, leaving Deb standing there alone. Just Emmett comes back, carrying too many drinks. Deb looks forlorn.]
[It's Bike Night at Babylon. You heard right. Not Dyke Night, bike night. It's a fundraiser for the Liberty Ride. Ted and Justin are walking around with clipboards, soliciting donations.]
Ted: Sign up here for the Liberty Ride! If you can't ride, we gladly accept donations. How we doing?
Justin: 37 riders so far. And one guy offered me $1,000 if I'd show him my cock.
Ted: I hope you said yes!
[Justin has the check to prove it. Ben and Melanie are emceeing the event.]
Ben: Can we have your attention please, everyone?
Mel: Thank you so much for coming out tonight in support of Liberty Ride!
[Cheers from the crowd.]
Ben: The profits will be going to help keep the Liberty House hospice open, so let's try and raise as much money as we possibly can!
[More cheers from the crowd. But not from Brian, who's standing there drinking a bottle of beer, a cynical expression on his face.]
Mel: In order to do that, the Center has enlisted one of the top fundraisers in North America. A man who gave up a lucrative law practice in Toronto to make millions for various organizations with his walkathons, danceathons, marathons, triathlons - you name it, he's found a way to make money out of it.
Ben: We're fortunate to have his help and support, so let us introduce you to - Jeffrey Pendergrass!
[More cheers.]
Jeffrey: Thank you all very much. It's great to be here in Pittsburgh! I'm grateful to the Gay and Lesbian Center and all of its supporters for asking me to help make this the best and most profitable event ever. So I hope you all sign up, get on your bike and cross the finish line, but tonight, let's all have a good time!
[More applause from the crowd, a kiss from Mel and a handshake from Ben. Everybody loves Jeffrey Pendergrass - everybody except Brian, that is. Brian is leaning against the bar when Pendergrass comes up for a refill.]
Brian: Buy you a drink?
Jeffrey: It's an open bar. Party's on me.
Brian: Nothing is free.
Jeffrey: (offering his hand) Jeffrey Pendergrass.
Brian: Brian Kinney.
[They shake.]
Brian: Just an observation, Jeffrey, but wouldn't the money that you're spending here tonight saying "hello, Pittsburgh hello!" be better spent keeping the hospice open?
Jeffrey: Actually, Brian, I find when the drinks flow freely, so do the donations.
Mel: This guy bothering you, Jeffrey?
Jeffrey: No, not at all. Just revealing some of my underhanded business practices. Well, I better go work the room. Hope we can count on your pledge, Brian.
[He shakes Brian's hand again.]
Mel: What the hell was that all about?
Brian: You know me, Mel, always stirring up the sh1t.
[Hunter and somebody making out in an SUV. It's a girl! We later learn that her name is Callie.]
Callie: You want me to suck you?
Hunter: Uh... no. That's okay.
Callie: Has everybody ever sucked you before?
Hunter: Yeah.
Callie: A lot of girls?
Hunter: No.
Callie: I've only done it twice. Once at summer camp and once with my lunch boyfriend. You don't think that makes me a slut, do you?
Hunter: Hardly!
Callie: Besides, it's not real s*x. Ever had real s*x yet?
Hunter: Not really. But I think about it.
Callie: Me too. But I promised to discuss it with my parents first. We're like best friends. How about yours?
Hunter: I don't think I'll tell them.
Callie: How come?
Hunter: They're not like your folks.
Callie: In what way?
Hunter: They're two guys.
Callie: You mean they're gay? That's so cool!
Hunter: I don't know how cool they'd be if I told them about you and me.
Callie: Well, they don't expect you to be gay just because they are?
Hunter: I don't know!
Callie: Well, I'll be glad to tell them you're straight if it ever comes up.
[They go back to making out.]
[Lindsay is sitting in bed in her jammies, drinking tea and trying to read a book. Melanie returns from the Babylon fundraiser.]
Mel: Hey.
Lindsay: How did go?
Mel: Oh great. Jeffrey Pendergrass will help us raise sh1t out of money.
Lindsay: That's good.
Mel: Sad that you weren't there.
Lindsay: Me too, but I had a steam headache.
Mel: Any better?
Lindsay: A little.
Mel: I blame Sam for it.
Lindsay: What?
Mel: Well, the show, living to his expectations as well as yours. But you did it.
[Mel tries a massage on her shoulders.]
Lindsay: That feels nice.
[Mel goes up to her breast.]
Lindsay: Mel. Mind if we do it later?
Mel: Sorry. I'm just the ordernary pregnant demon. I look it on Gus. You want me to get you hot tea? This one is cold.
[She stands up and leaves. Back sits a concerned Lindsay.]
[Deb and Emmett in the diner.]
Debbie: I kept my tits up, just like you said. I practically threw 'em at him! It didn't do much good.
Emmett: Don't despair! You'll just have to think up another way to get his attention, that's all.
Debbie: Well, we better think fast, because that woman's got 'marriage' in her eyes!
[Ted comes in waving a ticket.]
Ted: I've got an extra ticket for the Ironmen's game on Sunday! Who wants to go?
[Dead silence in the diner.]
Ted: I've got an extra ticket for "42nd Street." Who wants to go?
[There's a chorus of "Me! Me! Me!"]
Ted: Just testing. How about you, Em? Skybox! A thank you gift from the star quarterback himself!
Emmett: I don't think so.
Ted: C'mon, you're the one who turned me onto him in the first place. Ever seen him play?
Emmett: Not on the field.
Ted: He's fast and he's strong.
Emmett: Much as I'd like to go, I promised I wouldn't.
Ted: Promised who?
Emmett: But then again, how many seats does that stadium hold?
Ted: I don't know, 80,000?
Emmett: 80,000? Wow. Hardly pick out a face in that crowd, huh?
[He takes the ticket.]
Debbie: Say, Teddy, I was just wondering. Do you think you could score an extra pair of those tickets for me?
Ted: I could try!
Debbie: I have a friend who might like to go.
[Jeffrey Pendergrass pays an unannounced visit to Brian at Kinnetik.]
Brian: What?
Cynthia: [via phone] "Mr.Pendergrass wants to see you. He says he doesn't have an appointment."
Brian: He wants to hit on me.
Cynthia: [via phone] "Who doesn't?"
Brian: Except you wants money. Send him in.
Cynthia: [via phone] "OK."
Jeffrey: They tell me you're the guy to get into bed with.
Brian: Well, you'll have to come back after office hours for that.
Jeffrey: I know you're a busy man, so let me cut to the chase.
Brian: Christ, I hate that expression.
Jeffrey: I understand you're one of the most successful gay businessmen in Pittsburgh.
Brian: Whoever told you that was dead wrong. I'm THE most successful gay businessman.
Jeffrey: All the more reason then. I'd like your clients to be corporate sponsors for the Liberty Ride.
Brian: I see. Let ME cut to the chase. What's in it for them? More important, what's in it for me?
Jeffrey: Two very good questions.
[He pulls up a chair and makes himself at home.]
Jeffrey: First, your clients' contributions will generate publicity and good will that advertising can't buy, plus they'll be cultivating product loyalty in a market that has hundreds of billions of disposable income.
Brian: I already know that. My second question: What's in the Cracker Jack box for me?
Jeffrey: A very personal thank you from me and a warm, gooey feeling inside.
Brian: (laughs) Oh, Jeffrey, you disappoint me! I thought you'd come up with something more original than that. So - do we have time for one last question? What's in it for you?
Jeffrey: A living.
Brian: Finally, an honest answer. How refreshing.
Jeffrey: Anything wrong with that?
Brian: Not at all. I'm all in favor of people making money. What I'm not in favor of is telling others how to spend it.
Jeffrey: It's for a worthy cause. Besides, they can afford it.
Brian: Very true. But that's not a reason why they should give it to you.
Jeffrey: Well, how about this, then? It wouldn't be very good for your clients' PR if they were perceived to be homophobic. And it wouldn't help your reputation much if word got out that you were insensitive to the neediest members of your community.
Brian: Why, Jeffrey, are you turning the screws on me?
Jeffrey: Of course not. I'm merely pointing out why it's so important that we all open our hearts and checkbooks and give as generously as we can.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[So as we cut to the skybox at the Ironmen game. We see that Drew (No. 7) scores a touchdown that ties the game. Deb and Horvath get so swept away in the moment that they let their guard down and kiss. They pull apart, a little embarrassed.]
Debbie: Some play, huh?
Carl: I'll say! I can't believe you got these tickets for the Skybox.
Debbie: I'm glad you're having a good time.
Carl: To tell you the truth, I'm not.
Debbie: (alarmed) You're not?
Carl: I'm havin' a GREAT time!
Debbie: I hope Katherine doesn't mind.
Carl: That I went to the game with a friend?
Emmett: Can you believe this is the first time in my life I ever went to a football game?
Ted: Easily.
Emmett: I had no idea it was so exciting! I feel like we're back in ancient Rome, y'know, sitting in the Coliseum, watching the gladiators, wearing those fabulous off- the-shoulder togas -
Ted: Somehow I picture us more as lion chow, but I'm glad you're enjoying it. You haven't taken your eyes off of Drew Boyd since we sat down.
Emmett: That's just because he's such a dynamic, powerful player.
Ted: Admit it, you're in love with him.
Emmett: (indignantly, like a 12 year old girl whose best friend accuses her of having a crush) I'm not!
Ted: After seeing him in his underwear, I have to confess: so am I.
[Emmett see's that Sierra comes in the Skybox. He tries to escape unrecognized.]
Emmett: Oh my god.
Ted: What? What's the matter?
Emmett: Nothing. C'mon, let's go.
Ted: No, there is 30 seconds on the clock with tied score.
Sierra: Emmett! Hey you!
Emmett: Oh hi, Sierra!
Sierra: What are you doin' here? I didn't think that Football isn't your thing.
Emmett: I'm here with my friend Ted. He is the one who did pictures for the underware ads.
Sierra: Oh, so you're the one who's responsibly for the women Drew wants.
Ted: Not to mention about the certain percent of the males population.
Sierra: [to Ted] I'm Sierra, Drew's fiancee.
Ted: Oh congratulations. He's quite a guy.
Sierra: Guess it seems I landed on the big one.
Emmett: You certainly did. But it's nice to see you again.
Sierra: Where you goin'? Drew were so disappointed if you didn't stop by the locker room to say hello.
Emmett: I'd love to, but we are here with friends.
Sierra: They can go with us.
Carl: I can go see the team?!
[On the field Drew scores another TD. The Ironmen wins with 1 TD.]
Sierra: OK, everyone follow me.
[Cut to Michael and Ben.]
Ben: Why wouldn't he just come out and say that he has a boyfriend?
Michael: You know how kids his age are. He's trying to develop a sense of self, which often includes not communicating with parents.
Ben: We're not other parents. We're hip. We're coool!
[He puts on a beanie, crosses his arms, does the punk rock symbol and sticks out his tongue. Very cute. Just at that moment, Hunter comes home.]
Hunter: You think so.
Ben: Hey, pal!
Michael: I ordered our favorite, Mighty Man Meat! Sausage, pepperoni, meatball, ham and bacon!
Ben: Ouch!
Michael: Not to worry. Mushroom and tofu for you.
Ben: So, dude, what's new?
Hunter: Nothin', dude.
Ben: That's not what I hear. I hear you got a friend. Michael and I want you to know that we think it's great. I wish I had a boyfriend when I was your age.
Michael: All those missed blowjobs!
[Hunter looks very uncomfortable and we know why.]
Ben: So what is he like? Is he smart? Bookish? Muscular? Athletic?
Hunter: All of the above.
Ben: Have you two had s*x yet?
Hunter: No!
Ben: It's OK - we're all gay men here. Because if you do, it's important to protect him as well as yourself, especially considering your HIV status, you have a responsibility -
Hunter: Don't worry! I'll be careful.
Michael: So? When do we get to meet him?
Hunter: I dunno.
Michael: We're very open-minded. It doesn't matter if he has tattoos, body-piercings - he doesn't, does he?
Hunter: Look - I don't have a boyfriend, OK?
Michael: What do you mean? You told me -
Hunter: I told you I had a friend. I didn't say it was a boy.
Ben: Well, if it's not a boy, it's a -
[Some things are too awful to contemplate. He can't actually get the word out.]
[Post-game. The cameras are flashing. Drew comes from the lockerroom.]
Sierra: Hey, hon. [they kiss] Drew, this is Carl and Debbie. And you remember Ted.
Carl: It's a real thrill, Mr.Boyd.
Drew: Call me Drew.
Carl: Drew.
Ted: You were amazing, Drew.
Drew: Thank you.
Debbie: I say'll and cute to. So, when's the wedding?
Sierra and Drew: June.
[Emmett stands a little besides them and doesn't look happy.]
Sierra: Sweetheart, look who's here. Emmett Honeycutt, remember? He planed our engagement.
Drew: Yeah, sure. If you'll excuse me. I'll take my honey home and chill out.
[Brian pays Jeff a visit in his posh hotel suite. Jeffrey is wearing a fancy monogrammed bathrobe.]
Jeffrey: Champaign?
Brian: No, thanks. It makes me puke. I'm serious. I can knock back a dozen tequilas, no problemo. But one glass of that stuff and it's "Ou est la toilette?"
Jeffrey: That's too bad. Champagne is really very -
Brian: Expensive. What is it, $220 a pop?
Jeffrey: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and, um -
Brian: Please. Be my guest.
[While Jeffrey is in the other room getting dressed, Brian catches sight of a slew of gift bags lined up on the table.]
Brian: Something tells me I'm in the wrong business!
Jeffrey: (from the other room) Why's that?
Brian: The suite, the champagne. Seems like charity work's where the big bucks are these days.
Jeffrey: Like I said, it's a living.
Brian: Yeah, a very good living.
[Jeffrey comes back into the room, dressed in gray shirt and slacks.]
Jeffrey: So. I assume you've given our conversation some thought.
Brian: Yeah, I've thought about it. But before I get into bed with someone, I like to do a little research. You just can't be too careful these days.
Jeffrey: Isn't that the truth. So what'd you find out?
Brian: That you're a hell of a fundraiser.
Jeffrey: (laughs) I'm sorry you wasted the legwork there. I could've told you that.
Brian: (picking up a cracker with caviar) Do you mind?
Jeffrey: Be my guest
Brian: It seems that the organizations don't see much in the end, what with fancy hotels, champagne, caviar, lavish kickoff parties which by the way, the charities pay for, not you.
Jeffrey: For how hard I work and for that amount I bring in, I deserve a nice lifestyle. Besides, everyone profits. Tax writeoffs, good will, publicity. What's the problem, as long as everything's on the up and up?
Brian: What about Denver?
Jeffrey: What about Denver?
Brian: Well, didn't some local AIDS organization sue you for swindling them out of money that you spent on yourself?
Jeffrey: Those were totally legitimate business expenses. Office, travel -
Brian: (Proffering the cracker) More caviar?
Jeffrey: No thanks, I - what are you saying, Brian?
Brian: Just that when some earnest do-gooder blows into town and starts threatening me unless I help them, I have a legitimate reason to ask a few questions. And get a few answers.
Jeffrey: Those accusations were totally untrue and unsubstantiated. And what they didn't tell you is that they still made a quarter of a million even after my share.
Brian: Imagine what they would've made before it. So we'll just make sure that every cent you raise here in provincial little Pittsburgh goes exactly where it's supposed to go.
[Mel and Lindsay's house. Someone rings on the door.]
Mel: Got it! [to Gus] Look who's here. It's Sam. C'mon in.
Sam: Thanks. Is Lindsay home?
Mel: Yeah. LINDS! SAM'S HERE! Congratulations to the show. I've heard it was a snap.
Sam: Oh, they always are. But this one I think it was Lindsay. [Lindsay came from above] I'm up to Milan.
Lindsay: That's be a step up from Pittsburgh. But I doubt you find a decent bagles either.
Sam: I just want come and say goodbye.
Lindsay: Why we don't walk to your car? I'll be right back.
[In front of the door.]
Sam: I couldn't leave without -
Lindsay: Yes, you could and you should. Right now!
Sam: Without even saying goodbye?
Lindsay: I'm sure there must be dozens of women you f*cked without saying goodbye.
Sam: That wasn't just a f*ck. It meant more than that -
Lindsay: Would you just stop? Please.
Sam: I want you to come with me.
Lindsay: What? Are you crazy?
Sam: Damn proud of it, too. Look. I've had more ex-wives and mistresses than Sears has tire centers.
Lindsay: I'm sure they'd be pleased to hear themselves compared to a steel-belted radial!
Sam: If you'd met 'em, you'd realize I was complimenting them. But I've never felt like this. Look. Just sleep on it. I can send you a ticket.
Lindsay: I have a family, Sam. Right there. On the other side of that door.
Sam: That's not all you are. There's so much more to you than that. Why don't you let me show you?
Lindsay: No! This IS who I am. And even if a part - a very tiny part of me - wanted something else, I'd still choose to stay here. Now I want you to go.
[He kisses her on the cheek and leaves.]
[Horvath brings Deb a quirky gift to thank her for taking him to the football game.]
Carl: I brought you this Persion melon from Chile.
Debbie: Well, that's very strange, Carl, but sweet.
Carl: We were investigating a murder near the fruit and vegetable market so I -
Debbie: Don't tell me those killer tomatoes are at it again!
Carl: I just wanted to give you something, as a thank you for taking me to the game.
Drebbie: My pleasure.
Carl: And for meeting Drew Boyd. Wow, I still can't get over that.
Debbie: Yeah, he's really something.
Carl: So are you. For being such a good friend, I mean.
Debbie: I'll always be your friend. Could I offer you a friendly slice of melon?
Carl: No, thanks. I gotta be going.
Debbie: Maybe we could do something else friendly sometime.
Carl: Yeah, I'd like that.
Debbie: Like bowling or fishing -
Carl: Or this.
[He kisses her.]
Debbie: Was that a friendly kiss?
Carl: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Debbie: In that case, it could be a little friendlier.
[They kiss again, this time like they really mean it.]
[Cut to the Motel, where Emmett is lying naked in bed, waiting for his man. He holds a condom in his hand. Cut later in the night, someone goes in front of the door, but it's not Drew. Cut later, Emmett lies alone in bed and drinks beer. But Drew never shows.]
[Lying in bed, Michael and Ben have a conversation that many other parents of teenagers have had before them - with a slight variation on the theme.]
Michael: Do you think maybe it's just a phase? Maybe he hasn't met the right boy.
Ben: Substitute right girl and that's just what my parents said when I told them I was gay.
Michael: What about all the men? He's had s*x with more guys than you and I put together.
Ben: His mother got him started on that and it was always for money, not love.
Michael: So you think it's really true?
Ben: Sounds like he's discovered who he really is. And he's not gonna change anymore than you and I could change who we are.
Michael: But what are we gonna do? I mean, talking about girls - women - I wouldn't know the first thing. I've never even slept with one.
Ben: I have, once or twice.
Michael: Really?
Ben: Mm-hm.
Michael: How was it?
Ben: 'Salright. Got a hard on and everything. Suppose I performed adequately at least no one complained, but I also remember thinking, why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal?
Michael: I guess that was the first clue.
Ben: I also liked to wear my mom's dresses.
[Michael looks at him.]
Ben: Just kidding.
Michael: So we're both pretty useless when it comes to guy stuff.
Ben: Someone else will have to show him where the "g" spot is. I never could find it.
Michael: He could ask Mel and Lindz. I'm sure they know where it is. Ben, do you think he'd be better off with straight parents?
Ben: What?
Michael: People who'll understand him?
Ben: We understand him. He's still Hunter, gay or straight. It doesn't make a difference.
Michael: It may not make a difference to us, but what about him?
[At Woody's, naturally the football game is on. Emmett and Ted are there.]
Ted: You see Drew? Christ, what a man. He can do anything. Run, throw, block.
Emmett: Or gain like a piston. Or even f*ck me. And he did me ever, in all possible way.
Ted: What are you drinkin'?
Emmett: Nothing, unfortunately. You want to know, Drew and I have been an affair.
Ted: [looks serious to Emmett and then he laughs] No! No, you don't. No, no, no, you said you can gave me back that time when I said I meet Greg Logano this time in Barbardos under water. You believe me, but... no.
Emmett: I'm serious.
[Ted looks at Emmett again. He isn't laughing and he stops.]
Ted: C'mon, you expect me to believe... But th...tha...that's impossible! He's straight.
Emmett: Tell my ass that! We're meeting three times a week in some motel. I swore to him I never tell. But now it's over. And the worst part of this is, I was falling in love with this son-of-a-bitch.
[Brian and Justin donate Brian's Barcelona chair to the AIDS hospice.]
Justin: [to Brian] Your Barcelona chair would great in the living room.
Brian: Thanks for reminding me.
Justin: I got Brian to donate this $2,000 Barcelona chair.
Brian: Withholding s*x has worked for centuries.
Director: Thanks, but before we can redecorating we gonna need a rufo for our heads. You know the guy who's organizing the Liberty Ride?
Justin: Jeffrey Pendergrass?
Director: He was supposed to be at a meeting last night at the Center. When he didn't show up, they called his hotel. He'd checked out.
Justin: Checked out?
Director: It seems he resigned.
Brian: What about the donations?
Direktor: He sent a letter saying that they almost, but not quite, covered his expenses.
Justin: Oh, sh1t!
Director: The one thing we have, even when he didn't have funds were hope. And now, we don't even have that.
[Brian's looking in the living room and sees the poor people in their last months.]
[Mel runs into Lindz.]
Lindsay: Where were you up to?
Mel: Lamaze.
Lindsay: Why didn't you say something? I'll be there in a minute.
Mel: No, no need. Michael's meeting me there.
Lindsay: Michael?
Mel: He's a very good coach.
Lindsay: I'm sure but what about me?
Mel: I figured you had business in the gallery.
Lindsay: Sam's gone.
Mel: But not forgotten. I watched you two from the window. That was a very touching goodbye scene.
Lindsay: He's my friend. My mentor.
Mel: He's awakened things in you. Your desire to paint, to express yourself. Anything else?
[Long silence. Lindsay's guilty face says it all.]
Mel: You don't have to tell me. I know. You don't live with someone for nine years and not know.
Lindsay: Mel -
Mel: I don't wanna hear any of your bullshit explanations.
Lindsay: I wasn't gonna offer any. What's important is it reconfirmed for me that this is who I am. That my life is with you and Gus and the baby. That I still choose you.
Mel: Well, that's very convincing testimony. But I'm not so sure that I still choose you.
[She leaves the room. A shocked Lindsay starres there. Fade to black.]


Scene: The apartment
Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: You've had this dart board since I've known you, but I've never seen you play.
Leonard: Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard: That one over there.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?
Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?
Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.
Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they're probably in the junk box.
Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?
Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.
Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.
Leonard: Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college.
Penny: Aw, did she hate you?
Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.
Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?
Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they're not in there.
Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.
Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there's, there's, there's no more tickets.
Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.
Leonard: Okay, okay. I'm gonna show you what's in the box. But just promise not to flip out.
Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It's a spider.
Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would've flipped out.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it's been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?
Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?
Leonard: I'm sorry. I'll, I'll take care of it.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: I mean it, I'm going to.
Sheldon: I believe you.
Leonard: And you're going to stay calm?
Sheldon: I said I would.
Leonard: How about that? Sheldon's being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it's freaking me out. I'm gonna go. Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, when you say you're not going to freak out about the DVD, here's what that means. Don't fixate on it. Don't wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I'm on the toilet.
Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you're on the toilet isn't exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It's, it's like, a, an itch in my brain I can't scratch.
Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
Sheldon: You wouldn't make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Leonard: Well, I don't know how to do that.
Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won't pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That's a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
Leonard: That's stupid. Why?
Sheldon: You say it's itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
Leonard: I'm telling you, try the hanger.
Sheldon: Put it on. Let's share the experience.
Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I'm gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?
Scene: The cheesecake factory bar.
Bernadette: Penny, can we please get our drinks?
Penny: Yeah, hang on, just give me sec.
Amy: At work today, I did an in vivo stereotaxic surgery.
Bernadette: Cool. At my lab, I performed ten laser capture micro-dissections.
Penny: I scraped gum off the bottom of that table. Only 'cause my manager saw me put it there.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. That's the girl that broke Rajesh's heart.
Bernadette: That's Lucy?
Penny: I don't know why but I always pictured her as Indian.
Bernadette: I think that reason's called racism.
Penny: I'm gonna go talk to her.
Bernadette: Why? What are you gonna say?
Penny: I'm not gonna say anything. I just want to check her out. Because she hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who's racist now?
Bernadette: You because you just called him your Indian friend.
Penny: Yeah, well, you're short.
Amy: We're never getting our drinks.
Bernadette: No, but we knew that.
Penny: Hey, can I start you off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you're Lucy, right? I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's. Actually Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow. How's he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know, he's good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah, this is none of my business. But why did you break up with him in an e-mail?
Lucy: Oh, I don't know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yeah, I get that. I'll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? 'Cause it certainly didn't make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I'm sorry, this is rude of me. I will go get that water. See, see, see, see. Just now you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me, but not Raj?
Lucy: I don't know your e-mail.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You're sitting here, perfectly happy and he's at home, a blubbering mess.
Lucy: Oh, I thought you said he was okay.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, you want to hear the specials?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, you can never take it off?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Not even to sleep?
Leonard: No.
Howard: So, you're just an idiot?
Leonard: It's called proving a point.
Howard: Is the point that you're an idiot?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can't walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.
Raj: So, how are you gonna return the DVD if the store went out of business?
Leonard: Monday morning I'll go downtown, look up the owner's information and send him the DVD. Pay the late fee, and prove to Sheldon that you can have a problem and solve it without acting like a complete lunatic. Ah!
Howard: And the man impersonating a bear would like everyone to know that only you can prevent forest fires.
Raj: I don't get it.
Howard: You didn't have Smokey the Bear in India?
Raj: No. Oh, is he anything like, uh, Mun-Mun the Mongoose? He taught us not to play with cobras.
Howard: You had to be taught not to play with cobras?
Raj: You had to be taught not to burn down the forest?
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: Hey, if you guys were hungry, why didn't you order something at the restaurant?
Bernadette: We did, you never brought it.
Penny: Oh, that's right. Nachos and a turkey club.
Amy: Not even close.
Penny: Well, I was too busy standing up for my friend to worry about your, I want to say salmon.
Amy: You want to say sorry.
Bernadette: So, how are you gonna tell Raj abut what you did?
Penny: What do you mean how? What's the big deal?
Amy: You told Lucy he was a pathetic mess.
Bernadette: Then you made her cry and leave.
Penny: Okay, you guys are overreacting. Raj is gonna appreciate how I had his back.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I'm a desperate mess instead of just being pretty sure. (Phone text sound) It's Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I love you, Penny.
Scene: Sheldon's office.
Howard: Hey, what're you working on?
Sheldon: I'm thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.
Howard: That's a pretty cool idea.
Sheldon: Yeah. It's great you're here. I'd love to get an engineer's opinion.
Howard: Sure.
Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I'd just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn't use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.
Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner's next of kin.
Leonard: Or it's resolved.
Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.
Howard: I believe this is yours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment.
Raj: Can I ask you guys a question? So, I'm seeing Lucy tomorrow night, and I've never hung out with someone who broke up with me. How do you do it?
Howard: You can't let her know you're hurting. You know, the key is confidence.
Raj: Why is the key always confidence? How come it's never love handles and flop sweat?
Bernadette: If this girl hurt you so much, are you sure you want to see her again?
Howard: Well, if I may, he has so little self-respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube, and he'd still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.
Raj: He's right. But in my defence, if we could survive that, we could survive anything.
Bernadette: Well, if you're sure you want to do this, it's only coffee, just relax and see what happens.
Raj: Well, can I say she looks nice?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Can I tell her I miss her?
Bernadette: Maybe, if she asks.
Raj: Oh, can I show her an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our children and grandchildren?
Bernadette: I'd save that for the second date.
Raj: Good, good. 'Cause no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the twins to look alike.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I'm just trying to find the stupid next of kin to this stupid video store owner so I can return the DVD and see the look on Sheldon's stupid face when he sees that I didn't let this get to me.
Penny: Sheldon's not here. Why don't you take the sweater off?
Leonard: There's a principle at stake.
Penny: Which is?
Leonard: Oh, I don't know. Who cares? Look at me.
Penny: Oh, my God! Is that sweater made of bees? Come on, take it off. I won't tell.
Leonard: No, no, honey, if I take it off, Sheldon wins.
Penny: Sweetie, every night you don't kill him in his sleep, he wins.
Leonard: No, it's, it's almost done. I just, I have to find the next of kin, and send 'em the DVD and then just wait for someone with my complexion to die so I can get a skin graft.
Penny: Smile.
Leonard: What is that? What is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you're handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.
Sheldon: I don't know why that surprises you. I'm a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.
Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you're employing?
Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?
Amy: I'm gonna go with sad. So what's the story with you and this DVD?
Sheldon: There's nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.
Amy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Hello. Oh, it's so good to see you.
Lucy: You, too.
Raj: Please, sit. I, uh, I got you a cappuccino. I remembered it was your favourite. I also got crumb cake, but I remembered it was my favourite and I ate it. Anyway, uh, how are you?
Lucy: I'm pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an e-mail.
Raj: Well, and I ate all the crumb cake. We both made mistakes.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: I'm so happy you asked me here, and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends, lovemaking partners, whatever.
Lucy: Oh, uh, I'm kind of seeing someone.
Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but just to be clear, it's not me, right?
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Raj: This is all your fault, I should've listened to Mun-Mun because I've been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny. Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?
Penny: There's a girl at the Cheesecake Factory I can set you up with.
Raj: I love you, Penny.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can't figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?
Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?
Sheldon: There's probably a deep reason. Which I'd be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.
Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?
Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It's because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn't a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I'm not Armenian, so it probably won't work. This is over, right?
Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.
Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.
Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.
Leonard: Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?
Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!
Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon: I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if you're going to finally get satisfaction?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Wow. You're even prettier than Penny said. I can't believe a girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend.
Girl: Well, I don't.
Raj: I don't believe you, you're lying to me.
Girl: What?
Raj: Oh, it's okay. I have no morals and I'm desperately lonely. I'll be the other man if you want a little something-something on the side.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Girl (to Penny): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny (to Raj): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Raj (to a mirror): What is wrong with you?