3.09 - A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are on the couch watching television]
RORY: I like these women.
LORELAI: I love these women.
RORY: Poor Edie.
LORELAI: Which Edie?
RORY: Little Edie. She's just trying to sing and her mom won't stop talking.
LORELAI: Big Edie was so beautiful in her day.
RORY: They were both pretty.
LORELAI: I can't believe they were related to Jackie.
RORY: Well, the Kennedy's kind of hid them in the background for many years.
LORELAI: Well, when you're a Kennedy, how do you even choose who in the family to hide?
RORY: It's a tough choice.
LORELAI: Something beautiful about them though. They're cool, they're free.
RORY: Yeah, and they're memorable. Most people are very forgettable. And they're happy.
LORELAI: They had their cats.
RORY: And their raccoons.
LORELAI: And their pretty house.
RORY: And each other.
LORELAI: Add a few years and they're us.
RORY: Yeah. . .yeah.
LORELAI: Yeah.
[opening credits]
CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie rushes around giving instructions]
SOOKIE: Rhiana, run it through the sieve again, I want it smooth as glass. Don't cut corners, people!
LORELAI: Is she melting down?
MICHEL: Like butter on a skillet.
LORELAI: Sookie. . .
SOOKIE: Just a sec, hon. How's your love life, Pete? A little frustrated, I bet. Wondering how I know that? Cause you're taking it out on my egg whites. Gently, fold them gently. Cheryl  you're slicing not dicing, I can hear it in the chop. Adjust, my friend.
LORELAI: Sookie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, let's talk.
SOOKIE: I'm extremely lacking in time here.
LORELAI: What's going on?
SOOKIE: Uh, chaos? Uh, a travesty of cooking? It's a salmonella laboratory in here!
LORELAI: Sookie, the kitchen will be in good hands.
SOOKIE: But not in my hands.
LORELAI: It'll be in Bob hands. Bob has great hands.
SOOKIE: No, you know what Bob has? Bob has two seconds to get the hollandaise off the flame before I break his neck!
LORELAI: Sookie, listen, you hired Bob. You trained him in your image. He's great, and he's subbed for you before.
SOOKIE: But this is Thanksgiving, he has never done Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: He's ready, he'll sub for you seamlessly. Even Big Joe Newsanchor's have substitutes.
SOOKIE: And that's the thing. They still say, And now the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.' You see? Dan is still associated with it even though he's off snorkeling or something, just like I'm gonna be associated with the dinner because Bob is substituting for Sookie. Excuse me one minute.
[Sookie starts rummaging through the trash can]
MICHEL: Oh, this can only be good.
LORELAI: Sookie, that's the garbage. Stop rooting through the garbage.
SOOKIE: I will when people stop throwing away useful stuff!
LORELAI: Drop, drop the, drop the tops, drop them, drop them. Come here, come here, come here. Now, Sookie, listen to me because you're torturing yourself here.
[Emily walks in and stands behind Lorelai]
SOOKIE: Emily, hi.
LORELAI: Oh, that's nice. That's very high school. Stick with me here.
SOOKIE: Good to see you.
LORELAI: Yeah, ah, that's funny. You know who's behind you? It's Joseph Stalin, my good friend. What are you doing back from the dead, Joe?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom! Ah, geez, you scared me.
EMILY: You heard Sookie greet me.
LORELAI: Oh, I thought it was a joke.
EMILY: Like comparing me to Joseph Stalin?
LORELAI: I wasn't comparing you to Joseph Stalin.
EMILY: I'm in a hurry. Can we speak for a minute?
LORELAI: Yeah, I guess, for a minute. So, were you in the area or something?
EMILY: Not really.
LORELAI: Then what are you doing here?
EMILY: I wanted to talk to you.
LORELAI: Phone's out of order?
EMILY: Let's not play games here.
LORELAI: Games?
EMILY: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
LORELAI: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
EMILY: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.
LORELAI: Fine, Mom, we're talking now. What's up?
EMILY: Are you feeling well?
LORELAI: You came all the way out here to ask me that?
EMILY: Well, you've been sick these past few Friday's for dinner, so I was concerned. That's why you didn't come, right, because you were sick? So are you better? You look fine.
LORELAI: Oh, it's the makeup. I'm still. . .uh, these allergies really just hit me like a ton of bricks.
EMILY: I've never heard you mention allergies before.
LORELAI: I'm a silent sufferer.
EMILY: Well, I certainly hope you're feeling better now because I want you to come to dinner tomorrow night.
LORELAI: Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
EMILY: Yes, it is Thanksgiving. And before you sift through the dozen or so excuses you always have on hand, let me have my say. You've missed two dinners and avoided my calls because you're mad at us about what happened at Yale. But I want you and Rory at Thanksgiving this year.
LORELAI: Mom
EMILY: If you have plans
LORELAI: We do have plans.
EMILY: Alter them. Now, there'll be other people there, so the focus won't be on you, and you may even be able to get by without saying more than hello', goodbye', and pass the gravy'.
LORELAI: We already have plans.
EMILY: Your father and I are going out of town the next day and we'll be gone all of December, including Christmas, so it's the last chance for the family to be together for the rest of the year.
LORELAI: Look
EMILY: And I want you to remember that I am not the one who set the meeting for Rory behind your back. I want you there, Lorelai. And if you're still sick, I don't want a doctor's note. I want your doctor himself to come to my house and convince me that it's true, got it?
LORELAI: Got it.
EMILY: See you tomorrow.
CUT TO CHILTON
TEACHER: The multi-layered membrane systems of the cytoplasm are the smooth endoplasmic reticulum, the rough endoplasmic reticulum, and the golgi body. Now, the smooth endoplasmic reticulum is concerned with the manufacture of lipid molecules. [bell rings] We'll continue on this next week. Keep up on your reading please.
MADELINE: That was really distracting.
PARIS: Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things like nail filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe.
LOUISE: Uh, he's already married.
PARIS: Then whatever strawhead actor isn't.
MADELINE: This was bad. For the last five minutes, every single thing she said sounded dirty.
LOUISE: Yeah, same here.
PARIS: Good God.
MADELINE: I mean, reticulum? Come on.
LOUISE: Plus, the golgi body. I mean, is it me or is that majorly pornographic?
PARIS: My life with the Banger sisters.
RORY: So, changing the subject. . .
PARIS: Hallelujah.
RORY: What's everybody doing for Thanksgiving?
PARIS: I can't even talk about Thanksgiving.
RORY: Louise?
LOUISE: Im having dinner with my dad.
MADELINE: Isn't he still in jail?
LOUISE: Yes, but his company donated some treadmills for the inmates so he swung a special trailer for dinner that they're gonna set up for us in the parking lot. We have it for about two hours and then one of the Manson girls gets us.
MADELINE: You're lucky it's in that order.
PARIS: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.
RORY: How so?
PARIS: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving  you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.
MADELINE: Bummer.
PARIS: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good.
RORY: I've never heard of too many volunteers.
PARIS: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish.
LOUISE: Sore subject.
RORY: What are you up to, Madeline?
MADELINE: I've got more college applications to fill out. Backups, safety schools.
LOUISE: I've got some of that, too. I'm so behind.
PARIS: I told you guys to have those things done by now.
LOUISE: Sorry, Mom.
PARIS: It's not about being sorry. It's about being prepared. I got Harvard and my backups in weeks ago.
MADELINE: Okay, all you're doing is making me more nervous. I'll see you guys Monday.
LOUISE: Same here.
RORY: Yup, see you guys Monday.
PARIS: Harvard is going to be expecting Thanksgiving shelter work. They'll know I called too late and it will totally impugn my organizational skills. By the way, you know I ultimately do all these things for the good of mankind, right?
RORY: Oh yeah.
PARIS: Sometimes I don't think I come off that way.
RORY: No.
[Paris' cell phone rings]
PARIS: [answers phone] Hello? . . . Yes, thanks for returning my call. . . nothing? But wait, wait, wait  just stick me at any old pot. I'm small, you won't even know I'm there, I'll even bring my own ladle. . . .Oh, now, come on, work with me here. I've got a slotted spoon. . . Well, what about coffee or condiments? You got condiments covered? . . . I'm sorry, can I speak to your supervisor? . . . My attitude? What about your attitude? I'm trying to help people. It's Thanksgiving. . .
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk]
RORY: So she coldcocked you, huh?
LORELAI: She bit me, incapacitated me with her poison, and devoured me whole.
RORY: But how are we going to go to four Thanksgiving dinners?
LORELAI: It's not four, is it?
RORY: Lane's house, Sookie's, and we always stop by Luke's. . .that's three, and Grandma and Grandpa is four.
LORELAI: Ah, we're mad, Edie.
RORY: We're us, Edie.
LORELAI: Well, we've gotta go to my parents' or we'll be brought up on war crimes. Lane's is always super early, so that's easy to catch. Sookie's is mid afternoon.
RORY: Luke's the toughie.
LORELAI: Guess that's the one we'll have to skip.
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: I know, but he won't care. Holidays are nothing to him anyway.
[Kirk walks out of The Chat Club with several bags]
LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Discover a new freaky fetish?
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: Nothing. You buy a cat?
KIRK: Yup. I'm very excited.
LORELAI: You seem it. So what's all this?
RORY: I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.
KIRK: Actually, there are a number of things left.
RORY: No, I meant you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.
KIRK: Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
LORELAI: So where'd you get the cat?
KIRK: A lady had a bunch of them at the grocery store and Kirk seemed to take an instant liking to me.
LORELAI: Kirk?
KIRK: Yes?
LORELAI: No, I mean, the cat's name is Kirk?
KIRK: Yup.
LORELAI: Weird coincidence or. . .
KIRK: I named him Kirk.
LORELAI: Isn't that confusing?
KIRK: Not when you think about it.
[Lorelai thinks about it]
LORELAI: No, it's still confusing.
KIRK: I like the name, and whenever I call Kirk's name, I obviously won't be calling myself.
LORELAI: True.
KIRK: Although when my mom calls for Kirk, that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say CatKirk when she's calling Kirk, and HumanKirk when she's calling me.
RORY: That would keep it straight.
KIRK: I'm glad I ran into you. See ya.
LORELAI: See ya, HumanKirk.
RORY: Bye HumanKirk.
[Kirk walks away]
RORY: He's always been a cat person, he's just never had a cat.
LORELAI: Hm.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hey. Anywhere?
LUKE: Anywhere.
LORELAI: [to customer at table] Hm, would you mind moving?
LUKE: I hate when you do that.
LORELAI: It's my showstopper.
LUKE: An empty table.
LORELAI: Ah. You ready to order?
RORY: I'm ready.
LUKE: Don't bother, saw you coming, already ordered your Wednesday usual  the French dip, extra fries, the every-Wednesday cherry pie.
RORY: Such service.
LORELAI: Oh, and such a food rut we're in.
RORY: Thank you, Luke.
LUKE: I gotta get back to stuffing my turkey.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food?
LUKE: Stop it.
RORY: Here, here.
LUKE: It's a tedious job.
LORELAI: Well, what if we told you you could stuff one less?
LUKE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: We got jammed. Shanghaied by my mother and what with the other things we have going. . .well, too many commitments, not enough us.
LUKE: So?
RORY: We can't make it tomorrow.
LUKE: Oh, okay, fine.
LORELAI: It was beyond our control.
LUKE: That's fine, whatever. I'll be right back. [walks away]
LORELAI: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked. . . .
RORY: Disappointed.
LORELAI: Yes, disappointed. We disappointed Luke.
RORY: I didn't think it was possible.
LORELAI: Our powers are greater than we know.
RORY: He actually likes it when we come for Thanksgiving. All these years and we never knew.
LORELAI: Hm, he's the Grinch and we're Cindy Lou Who.
RORY: So Cindy Lou, what do we do?
LORELAI: I got it.
[Lorelai picks up her cell phone as Luke walks over]
LORELAI: [on phone] Oh, uh, perfect. That works great. Okay, bye now. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm just clarifying the schedule for tomorrow. As luck has it, we can make it. We'll definitely be here.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's all cleared. That was my mom, and, uh, the time's just gonna work out just fine.
LUKE: Really, you don't have to. I already stopped prepping the last turkey.
LORELAI: Well, start prepping it again cause we are coming.
LUKE: I don't want you to feel like you have to come.
LORELAI: This is tiring.
RORY: I can kneel behind him and you can push him over.
LORELAI: It may come to that.
LUKE: It won't be a hassle?
LORELAI: It won't be a hassle.
LUKE: You sure?
LORELAI: We're coming, now go away and let us eat. Shoo, shoo.
[Luke walks away]
RORY: That was very nice.
LORELAI: Well, I hate disappointing people.
RORY: Okay, now, practical question. . . how are we going to eat four Thanksgiving dinners?
LORELAI: How? Rory, what are we if not world champion eaters?
RORY: It's too much food.
LORELAI: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny. This is our finest hour.
RORY: Or final hour.
LORELAI: No, no. Get inspired and tomorrow I guarantee you, we will be standing on the Olympic platform receiving our gold medals for eating. We are not Michelle Kwan-ing this.
RORY: Okay, okay, four dinners.
LORELAI: Yeah, we'll skip the rolls.
RORY: That'll help. You know, we might wanna consider not eating much now in preparation for our finest hour. A little fasting so that we can enjoy more tomorrow, hm?
LORELAI: Unnecessary.
RORY: Yeah.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[On Thanksgiving morning, Lorelai and Rory are walking toward the market]
RORY: What's on the list?
LORELAI: Flowers for everyone we're visiting and cranberry sauce for the Kims.
RORY: Tums.
LORELAI: You mean amateur pills?
RORY: Just in case.
LORELAI: Okay, Tums.
RORY: I'll do the flowers.
LORELAI: I'll do Doose's.
RORY: Thank you.
[Lorelai goes into the market. Jess walks up behind Rory]
JESS: Hey there.
RORY: Hey. [he kisses her, but Rory pulls away] Wait, stop.
JESS: What?
RORY: Stop.
JESS: What are you doing?
RORY: Come on. [Rory pulls him down the sidewalk a little, then kisses him]
JESS: What was that?
RORY: That was a kiss.
JESS: What's with the relocation before the kiss?
RORY: It's too early.
JESS: Too early? Too early for what?
RORY: For kissing like that.
JESS: What's the rule, no kissing before noon?
RORY: No, it's too early to do this here.
JESS: Where, in the street?
RORY: In the street, with people watching...
JESS: What people?
RORY: In front of Doose's.
JESS: Ah, Doose's.
RORY: We shouldn't flaunt it.
JESS: But I want to flaunt it.
RORY: It doesn't feel right.
JESS: He's a big boy Rory.
RORY: I know.
JESS: It's not the first time a couple's broken up.
RORY: It is for us.
JESS: This is insane.
RORY: Please, let's not flaunt it, please?
JESS: For how long?
RORY: Until it's comfortable.
JESS: Before we're on Social Security?
RORY: I promise, we can kiss secretly.
JESS: Yeah, or we can wear Three Stooges masks all the time, that way no one will know who we are.
RORY: I can be Curly.
JESS: I'll be Moe.
RORY: Probably too silly.
JESS: Yeah, probably.
RORY: This will get better over time, I promise. But until then, let's just play it cool.
JESS: Hey, I'm Frank at the Sands.
RORY: That's cool.
CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai is shopping]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping?
KIRK: Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no.
LORELAI: Oh, what happened there?
KIRK: Oh, nothing, just a little scratch.
LORELAI: Looks like a big scratch. Wow, Bactine, Neosporin, Mercurochrome  what's with all the pharmacologicals?
KIRK: Oh, well, Kirk and I are going through a little adjustment period, that's all.
LORELAI: CatKirk?
KIRK: It's no biggie, and this looks a lot worse than it is.
LORELAI: Yeah, I can see that. So how'd it happen? Were you playing or something?
KIRK: We haven't actually played yet. This happened when I accidentally walked into the room without announcing myself.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
KIRK: I've discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in.
LORELAI: You have to announce yourself?
KIRK: Yeah, just a quick, Is it okay if I come in?' from the adjacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy.
LORELAI: Hence the scratch.
KIRK: It's just a small laceration. Again, no biggie.
LORELAI: Kirk, he got your neck!
KIRK: That was another mistake of mine. I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that. Or she doesn't.
LORELAI: She? I thought Kirk was a boy.
KIRK: That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his underside to me yet. Or hers.
LORELAI: Well, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon.
KIRK: From your mouth to God's ears. See ya.
LORELAI: See ya.
[Lorelai walks over to Dean]
LORELAI: Hi there.
DEAN: Hi.
LORELAI: So you pulled the Thanksgiving shift, huh?
DEAN: Yeah, I get time and a half.
LORELAI: Well, good, good. It's good to see you.
DEAN: Same here. Um, so, I gotta work.
LORELAI: Right, right. That Taylor's a dictator.
DEAN: Yeah.
LORELAI: Dean, wait. Um, look, we live in a teeny tiny little hamlet here. I mean, stick it in an envelope and we could mail the whole town for a buck-forty. It makes avoiding people tough and uncomfortable.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: I hate hiding from people, especially when I don't wanna hide from them. You were a pal. You were so good to Rory. You were the best first boyfriend a mother could've hoped for.
DEAN: Thanks.
LORELAI: It's okay to keep avoiding me if you want. I just wanted you to know that you don't need to, okay? Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did.
DEAN: Good. That's good to hear.
LORELAI: Well, Happy Thanksgiving.
DEAN: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the diner with a bag. Rory is waiting with several bouquets of flowers]
LORELAI: Aw, pretty!
RORY: Yeah, good selection today. You get everything?
LORELAI: And then some. Look.
RORY: Chocolate turkeys, nice!
LORELAI: I think they'll add a festive air.
RORY: Definitely. So, was he in there?
LORELAI: Yeah, he was.
RORY: Good, good. I hope he's good. Did he seem good?
LORELAI: He seemed good. He's getting time and a half.
RORY: Good, good.
LORELAI: So, let's go eat.
RORY: And eat and eat.
LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat.
RORY: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . .
LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . .
RORY: And eat some more.
LORELAI: And eat and eat.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim opens the door; Lorelai and Rory are on the porch]
MRS. KIM: Ah, the Gilmores. Happy Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving.
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving.
MRS. KIM: Come in.
LORELAI: She's in a good mood this year.
RORY: Downright chipper.
LORELAI: So, um, Mrs. Kim, we, uh, we brought gifts.
RORY: Flowers.
LORELAI: And cranberry sauce, our little Thanksgiving tradition.
MRS. KIM: Thank you, can never have too much.
RORY: That's what we say.
LORELAI: Plus, a chocolate turkey.
MRS. KIM: What should I do with this?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, let the kids share it.
MRS. KIM: And then send a blank check to their dentist?
LORELAI: They don't have to eat it, they can play with it.
MRS. KIM: Play with chocolate? It's missing its head.
LORELAI: Ooh, that one's ours. Here, this one has a head. There ya go.
MRS. KIM: Okay. [walks away]
LORELAI: My arms are too short to box with Mrs. Kim.
RORY: The singing's already begun.
LORELAI: Mm. Who's that playing guitar? He looks familiar.
RORY: Oh my God, that's Lane's Dave.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it is. He's all neat and tidy.
RORY: He's gone corporate.
LORELAI: He's gone Korean.
[Lane walks by and sees them]
LANE: Oh, hey, hi.
RORY: Hey yourself. Hey, how'd you get your mom to let you
LANE: Come on, girls, let's get you some punch. [leads them to the other room]
RORY: What's going on?
LANE: That is not Dave Rygalski.
LORELAI: Oh, intrigue.
RORY: Who is it?
LANE: I mean, not the one that I'm in a band with. That is Dave Rygalski, local Christian guitar player that my mom and I met very briefly and innocently at the dance marathon, and that I coincidentally ran across again when I found his ad seeking Christian guitar accompaniment gigs up on our church bulletin board.
LORELAI: Complicated.
LANE: I even put the fake ad up at church and pretended to find it with my mom next to me.
RORY: You're good.
LORELAI: So, are you guys dating?
LANE: We're laying the groundwork. If she gets to know him before we date and she approves of him, we won't have to hide anything.
LORELAI: Right, except how you met.
RORY: And who he really is.
LANE: But other than that, it's completely fib-free. Shh, shh!
MRS. KIM: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces.
[Lorelai, Rory, and Lane walk into the room where the food table is set up]
LORELAI: Yung Kwan, good to see you. Hee Kim, hi. Oh, I love your hair. Su Nam, hi. Hi. Ho Kyung, Wan Kyu, great to see you, hi. Oh, Mrs. Kim, just a beautiful table, as always.
MRS. KIM: Try the tofurkey. Turkey made from tofu.
RORY: Oh, we definitely will.
LORELAI: Mm.
MRS. KIM: And meet the guitar player. Nice young man, big fan of tofurkey. David?
DAVE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: This is Rory Gilmore and Mrs. Gilmore.
LORELAI: Hi, nice to meet you.
DAVE: Oh, same here.
RORY: I think I've seen you around town.
DAVE: Yeah, that might be a possibility. Happy Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: Same to you.
MRS. KIM: Hymn 17 please.
DAVE: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Wow, he seems like a very upright young man.
MRS. KIM: Not a bad sight-reader either. [walks away]
RORY: You're taking tofurkey?
LORELAI: Uh huh, and some extra napkins to slip the tofurkey into when no one is looking and then toss them away.
RORY: Very smart.
LANE: Um, Mama, just a thought, but maybe we can take a break from the hymns while we eat?
MRS. KIM: No break, he's paid to play. We can quit singing for now, but he should play soft in the background, okay?
DAVE: Yeah. Yes, ma'am.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the sidewalk]
RORY: The best laid plans.
LORELAI: Tell me about it.
RORY: How do you feel?
LORELAI: I ate tofurkey. How do you think I feel?
RORY: Tofurkier.
LORELAI: Drat that Mrs. Kim for not taking her eyes off me the whole time. . . it's like she was anticipating my napkin maneuver.
[They walk up to Sookie's yard. Sookie is sitting at a picnic table, and a group of people is standing near the porch]
LORELAI: Hi hon!
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving.
SOOKIE: Ah, thank you. Thank God, civilization has arrived.
LORELAI: What's wrong?
SOOKIE: What's wrong? Uh, do you not see what's going on here?
LORELAI: What's that?
SOOKIE: That is a vat of boiling oil.
LORELAI: Really? Where's Quasimodo?
SOOKIE: This is not a joking matter.
RORY: What is the oil for?
LORELAI: For pouring on visigoths.
SOOKIE: Lorelai!
LORELAI: When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?
RORY: What's the oil for?
SOOKIE: The turkey. My beautiful, expensive, organically grown turkey.
LORELAI: I don't get it.
SOOKIE: A couple of days ago, Jackson asked me if he could cook the turkey. I thought he was gonna roast it, stick a couple of onions around it, something simple. So I said yes, figuring that the minute he put it in the oven and leaves the kitchen, I can sneak in and give it a nice herb-bitter rub and stuff it with a pancetta-chestnut stuffing.
LORELAI: Sure, cause he'd never notice that.
SOOKIE: Exactly. Then the propane tank arrived, and the industrial burner, and the fifteen gallons of peanut oil. Then he springs it on me  I'm gonna deep-fry a turkey."
LORELAI: Deep-fried turkey.
RORY: Interesting.
SOOKIE: I tried to talk him out of it, but I'd already promised and now he's excited about it.
GUY 1: Hey, what's keeping Jackson? Is he on the pot or something?
SOOKIE: Lots of precious memories in the making here.
GUY 1: Hey Jackson, get your butt out here with that gobbler!
SOOKIE: A gobbler.
RORY: Maybe it won't be that bad.
LORELAI: Yeah, deep-frying's kind of in now.
SOOKIE: I don't care. You don't deep-fry turkey. Uh, filet of fish, yes. A batch of fries, yes. A donut, yes. Not turkey.
GUY 1: Come on, let's get going!
GUY 2: Yeah, we're hungry!
EVERYONE: Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson. . .
[Jackson pushes open the door and holds up the turkey]
JACKSON: Did someone say. . .Jackson?
[the crowd cheers]
LORELAI: Wow, it's like Thunderdome in here.
SOOKIE: He should've just driven it out on a monster truck. He's shamelessly catering to his demographic.
JACKSON: Are you ready?
[the crowd cheers]
SOOKIE: Oh my God, I can't look.
EVERYONE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. . .
SOOKIE: Oh my God, they're counting down.
EVERYONE: . . .five, four, three, two, one!
[Jackson lowers the turkey into the vat]
LORELAI: It's in the vat.
SOOKIE: It's like a death in the family.
LORELAI: Look at the bright side, Sookie. At least this took your mind off the dinner at the inn.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, the inn. What if Bob decides to do something equally awful to the turkey at the inn? I have to call him.
JACKSON: Oh, hey guys.
LORELAI: Hey.
JACKSON: Neat, huh? And it only takes forty minutes.
LORELAI: Cool.
JACKSON: How ya doing, hon?
SOOKIE: Oh, fine, Sweets. [Lorelai hands her a beer] And keep them coming.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hey everybody.
BABETTE: Oh, hey there dollfaces. Happy Thanksgiving.
MOREY: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving.
RORY: Hey. [hands Luke a bouquet of flowers]
LUKE: What's this?
RORY: Flowers.
LUKE: What do I do with them?
LORELAI: Ugh, not this again.
RORY: Put them in a vase with water.
LUKE: I don't have a vase.
LORELAI: You do this every year.
LUKE: I don't have vases.
LORELAI: Buy a vase.
LUKE: But I don't need a vase cause I never have flowers.
LORELAI: Except when we bring you flowers every year on Thanksgiving. Buy a vase.
LUKE: Stop bringing me flowers.
LORELAI: Stop bringing me flowers. I knew you were gonna say that because you say the same thing. We have this same exact conversation every year.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
LORELAI: And every year you point that out.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
RORY: And then every year we put the flowers on the counter and forget the ugliness ever happened.
LORELAI: Well, at least we have a tradition.
LUKE: Good. I'll be right back. That's our table over there.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Oh my God!
RORY: What happened?
KIRK: I'm scratched over sixty percent of my body.
LORELAI: Aw, CatKirk again?
KIRK: Ow.
LORELAI: Sorry.
BABETTE: I'm so mad at that cat.
MOREY: Very uncool cat.
BABETTE: I love cats, but I love Kirk, too. It's pretty much fifty-fifty, and that's a high compliment, my friend.
LORELAI: How did this happen?
KIRK: Well, the tension of our standoff was unbearable, so I got on the floor and tried to play with him.
LORELAI: It's a him?
KIRK: I caught a peek.
LORELAI: Go on.
KIRK: I rolled this cute little ball of yarn over to him all nice and gentle. He tried to garrote me with it.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
MOREY: Very uncool.
KIRK: Just grabbed two ends with his paws and came at me.
RORY: But he doesn't have opposable thumbs.
KIRK: He's beyond them. And he's smart. He knows things, sometimes before they happen.
LORELAI: Get a hold of yourself, man.
KIRK: You haven't heard the worst.
RORY: Oh geez, there's worse?
KIRK: When the attacks got particularly brutal, I had no choice but to strip naked and hide under water in the bathtub. I read that cats are afraid of water.
BABETTE: They are, they are.
KIRK: Kirk isn't. He found me, and he seemed to derive greater power from the water. That's when the bulk of the scratching happened.
LORELAI: Well, then, I think it's good you're giving Kirk a little space right now. Just relax and enjoy your food.
KIRK: I can't taste my food.
LORELAI: Well, then, just try to relax.
KIRK: Thanks.
[Lorelai and Rory walk over to their table; Jess walks over]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey. [they kiss]
JESS: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi, Happy Thanksgiving. So, are you joining us?
JESS: Uh, sure, if that's okay.
LORELAI: Yeah, sit, sit.
[Luke and Caesar bring the plates over]
JESS: God, I'm starved.
LUKE: You could've eaten.
JESS: You kept telling me not to eat.
LUKE: I did not.
JESS: You did, too. You said you were waiting for them.
LORELAI: Aw, you didn't have to wait for us.
LUKE: I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out this way.
JESS: Right.
RORY: Looks great.
LORELAI: Tasty.
LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
JESS: Thanks for what?
LUKE: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
LORELAI: Amen.
LUKE: So where you guys in your day?
RORY: We hit the Kim's, we hit Sookie's, and we go to the grandparents from here.
LORELAI: Full day.
LUKE: Yeah. Well, you can skip eating this one if you want. Just have cokes or something, it's no big deal.
LORELAI: No, no way, you're the main event today, my friend.
LUKE: Oh, good.
RORY: What's good are the yams.
LORELAI: Definitely. Got some more marshmallows?
LUKE: Yeah, I can grab some. Hey, refill some coffees. [Luke and Jess walk away]
LORELAI: So, no offense, but lame-o kiss.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You and Jess, like a couple chickens pecking at each other.
RORY: Mind your own business.
LORELAI: Well, it was right in front of me.
RORY: So, I don't need a review.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: I'm just not good with the public displays.
LORELAI: You didn't have that problem with Dean.
RORY: I know, but now I just feel like everybody's watching me.
LORELAI: People are not watching you.
RORY: You were watching me.
LORELAI: I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you.
RORY: I just don't know how this whole second boyfriend thing is supposed to go.
LORELAI: Well, he's your first second boyfriend. Give it time.
RORY: The whole town got used to me with Dean, it's just weird.
LORELAI: It'll get easier. You're gonna have hundreds of men in your life.
RORY: Gee, thanks.
LORELAI: Well, maybe not hundreds, but a couple, three, more. It'll get easier.
RORY: I guess.
LORELAI: Honey, they'll adjust to seeing you with Jess.
RORY: And then there's Dean. What do I do about him?
LORELAI: Well, you know, he'll be moving on, too.
RORY: Oh, right, of course he will, yeah.
BABETTE: Well, we're outta here.
MOREY: Time to walk some of this off.
BABETTE: Oh, we'd have to walk to China to walk all of it off. Which way's China?
LORELAI: Thataway. Have a good night.
BABETTE: Thanks. By the way, that was some half-assed kiss you two had. You gotta give it a little something, honey.
LORELAI: Bye Babette. Bye Morey.
BABETTE: Bye.
RORY: The whole town is watching.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the front door]
RORY: You ready for this?
LORELAI: Of course.
RORY: Even with the Cold War?
LORELAI: That's been going on for thirty-four years? I can manage.
RORY: It's been a bit colder these past few weeks.
LORELAI: Oh no, I'm fine, you know why? Because in two hours  and I do plan on extricating us from here in exactly two hours  the night will be over and I won't have to see them again until next year. Oh, start your stopwatch.
[Emily opens the door]
EMILY: Hello.
RORY: Hi Grandma. Happy Thanksgiving.
EMILY: Thank you, Rory. Happy Thanksgiving, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving. [mumbles to Rory] One hour, fifty-nine minutes, and forty seconds.
[they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Oh, wow, it's a piano player.
EMILY: That's Brad. I found him at Nordstrom's.
LORELAI: Was he on sale?
EMILY: I thought a little background music would add a nice touch. He knows every song ever written.
LORELAI: Free Bird! Hi Brad.
EMILY: Lorelai, please. Now come along, everyone's here. [they walk to living room] We're all here.
RICHARD: Oh, good. Happy Thanksgiving, Rory.
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Dad.
RICHARD: These are our guests, Natalie and Douglas Swope.
EMILY: You two have met.
LORELAI: Yes, at the auction.
NATALIE: Good to see you again.
LORELAI: Yes.
DOUGLAS: Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Yes, you, too.
RORY: Same here.
RICHARD: And this is our international contingent, Claude and Monique Clemenceau. They're just in from France.
LORELAI: Ah, Clemenceau, huh, I'd have guessed Spain.
CLAUDE: Hello, how are you? [kisses Lorelai's hand]
LORELAI: Oh, ooh.
MONIQUE: Hello.
RICHARD: Monique, voici ma fille et ma petite fille.
MONIQUE: Ah. Elle sont si jolies.
CLAUDE: My Monique speaks only French, so please excuse the inconvenience.
LORELAI: Oh, no, that's fine. I love French.
CLAUDE: She really wants to learn English, perhaps tonight will inspire her. [to Monique] Je leur ai dit que tu voulais à prendre l'anglais.
MONIQUE: L'anglais, oui, je veux à prendre, mais je suis tellement parasseuse.
RICHARD: Ah, ça prends de temps, Monique. Ah, t'en fais pas.
MONIQUE: Merci.
RICHARD: Oh, no no no. That's why I love it when the Clemenceaus visit. It gives me the opportunity to haul out my rusty French.
CLAUDE: Your French is wonderful, Richard. It always has been.
RICHARD: Aw, non, tu es tres gentil. Please, sit, sit, sit.
CLAUDE: Merci. So, Rory, you speak French at all?
RORY: Just a tiny little bit.
CLAUDE: Un tout petite peu?
RORY: Oui, un tout petite peu.
CLAUDE: And you, my dear?
LORELAI: Even less. Uh, voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? That's about it.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: It's just a joke.
RICHARD: Asking my friend to go to bed with you is a joke?
RORY: It's a song.
LORELAI: It's just a joke, Dad.
CLAUDE: Oh, voici c'est un chanson du pop. It's a pop song, ah, Monique. . . I did not know that.
MONIQUE: Lady Marmalade.
CLAUDE: It's very rich. It's very, very funny.
LORELAI: Oh, well, thank you.
CLAUDE: You need a drink, oui?
LORELAI: Very astute, Claude. Martini with a twist, Dad.
RICHARD: All right.
DOUGLAS: Is this your first American Thanksgiving, Claude?
CLAUDE: It is, it is. I've seen it in the movies. People seem to eat and eat and eat until they can't eat anymore.
LORELAI: That's about it.
NATALIE: It's about giving thanks, gets you thinking about the good things.
DOUGLAS: We have a lot to give thanks for in this country.
EMILY: Definitely.
CLAUDE: Me, I start each day giving thanks for three things  Cuban cigars, French champagne, and gorgeous women. And I must give extra thanks for the extraordinary group here tonight.
LORELAI: Douglas, Richard, leave us, won't you?
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: Just another joke.
CLAUDE: Oh, I missed another joke?
NATALIE: You have your mother's wit.
EMILY: Sometimes I wish she'd give it back.
DOUGLAS: Emily mentioned that you were coming from another function?
CLAUDE: No, this is your second dinner?
RORY: Fourth, actually.
NATALIE: Fourth?
RICHARD: Oh, thank you for fitting us in, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Don't worry, Dad. You're the main event. [to Rory] An hour and fifty six minutes.
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[Everyone is seated at the table]
NATALIE: Beautiful table, Emily. You've outdone yourself yet again.
EMILY: Oh, it's nothing.
RICHARD: Well, is everyone settled? Is everyone comfy?
EVERYONE: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes, Dad, we're fine.
RICHARD: Well, then, let's get going.
[Emily rings a bell, the maids bring out the turkey]
NATALIE: Gorgeous.
DOUGLAS: Oh, wonderful.
CLAUDE: Is it for us or the whole neighborhood?
NATALIE: Very nice.
[Richard carves a piece off, then the maids start to take the turkey away]
LORELAI: Oh, ho, who gets the big piece?
RICHARD: I'm sorry?
LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to keep carving?
RICHARD: That was strictly ceremonial.
LORELAI: Ceremonial?
EMILY: Ceremonial.
CLAUDE: Cérémonial.
MONIQUE: Cérémonial.
EMILY: Please, start on the salads everyone.
LORELAI: Is there anything ceremonial about the salads? Do we carve a crouton, then have them taken away?
EMILY: No, no ceremony.
RORY: Salad's great, Grandma.
EMILY: I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad.
RORY: There's still room.
LORELAI: And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor.
CLAUDE: She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny.
NATALIE: Rory, did your grandmother say you were a high school senior?
RORY: Mmhmm.
NATALIE: So you're going through this horrible period of applying to college.
RORY: It's not so horrible.
RICHARD: She's got it pretty well covered.
LORELAI: That's right.
NATALIE: All your applications are in?
RORY: I've applied.
DOUGLAS: We have a grandson your age, he's going through hell.
NATALIE: He's already been turned down for early admission to Stanford, his dream.
DOUGLAS: Took it pretty hard.
NATALIE: Children put so much stress on themselves these days.
RORY: It's pretty stressful.
NATALIE: He's waiting to hear from his backups.
CLAUDE: I have a grandson who lives with his mother in Orlando, you know, he's going through a very similar thing, poor boy.
EMILY: How do they like Orlando, Claude?
CLAUDE: Well, it's all Mickey Mouse this and Mickey Mouse that, you know. They want to die.
EMILY: That's too bad.
NATALIE: Where did you apply, dear?
RORY: Harvard.
DOUGLAS: No word yet?
RORY: I'm not supposed to hear back for awhile.
DOUGLAS: Where else?
RORY: Where else?
DOUGLAS: Where else did you apply? Your alternates?
NATALIE: We're so curious, it's like we've been going through this ourselves.
RORY: Well, I'm pretty much counting on Harvard.
DOUGLAS: Well, you didn't apply to just Harvard, did you?
RORY: Well, no.
LORELAI: No?
NATALIE: Am I prying?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: We applied elsewhere?
DOUGLAS: You can't just apply to one place.
NATALIE: Chilton wouldn't allow that.
LORELAI: Is that true?
RORY: Pretty much.
LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me that?
RORY: I was going to.
NATALIE: You have to be safe.
CLAUDE: My grandson  six schools.
DOUGLAS: Same with Dustin.
LORELAI: Where else did you apply?
RORY: Just at some other schools.
DOUGLAS: Well, if you're aiming at Harvard, that would be Princeton, Yale, maybe Vassar, Wesleyan.
CLAUDE: Certainly Yale because of Richard's connections, yes?
NATALIE: I would assume so.
RORY: Those are the kinds of places, yup.
LORELAI: The kinds of places or the places? Rory?
RORY: Princeton. . . um, Yale.
LORELAI: Yale?
RICHARD: Yes?
LORELAI: Yale, Dad?
RICHARD: Oh, this is the first I'm hearing about it, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, bull.
RORY: Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: You did this.
RICHARD: I haven't discussed this awful subject since the debacle at the campus.
LORELAI: You forced her hand.
RICHARD: I did nothing of the sort.
RORY: Mom, wait.
LORELAI: You made it seem like you'd be deeply hurt if she didn't apply to Yale, and she's very sensitive, so that's as good as forcing her hand.
EMILY: Lorelai, really.
LORELAI: You wanted her to go to Yale instead of Harvard, didn't you?
RICHARD: Well, that wasn't a secret.
CLAUDE: Lorelai ne veut pas que Rory aille à Yale.
RICHARD: Je suis désolé de ce qui ce passe ici.
LORELAI: Stick to English, Dad.
RORY: Grandpa didn't force my hand.
LORELAI: Honey, you weren't aware he was doing it.
RICHARD: She is not a puppet, Lorelai.
RORY: I needed a backup.
LORELAI: But why Yale?
RORY: I could live at home.
LORELAI: You.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, you got to her. That was your thing.
NATALIE: I'm afraid we started this.
EMILY: This is not your doing, Natalie.
RICHARD: Encore une fois, je suis désolé.
EMILY: I never spoke to Rory about that.
LORELAI: I don't believe you.
RORY: I figured it out on my own, Mom.
LORELAI: You're saying there have been no conversations, no emails?
RORY: I can read a map.
LORELAI: This is unbelievable.
RICHARD: And past indelicate. We have guests.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm sorry, I apologize, I'm sorry you have to see this.
EMILY: This is paranoia, Lorelai. There's been no conspiring.
LORELAI: I'm not being paranoid, Mom. For seventeen years, she was going to Harvard, and now all of a sudden, she's applied to Yale and she's mimicking everything you say. This is just crazy. [leaves the room]
CLAUDE: Elle a dit que, c'est de la folie.'
EMILY: Excuse me, please.
CUT TO BACK PATIO
[Lorelai is standing outside as Emily walks out the back door]
EMILY: It's freezing out here.
LORELAI: It's Jamaica compared to in there.
EMILY: It's just an alternative to Harvard, a backup. It changes nothing.
LORELAI: No, no.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, I don't wanna talk.
EMILY: Do you believe we had nothing to do with this?
LORELAI: Just for a second, Mom, please. Just let me digest this for a second. All this Yale stuff. . .agh!
EMILY: You can't even let Rory have one piece of our lives, even if it's her choice. You hate us that much.
[Lorelai doesn't respond. Emily walks back into the house]
CUT TO THE KIM'S HOUSE
[The last of the guests are leaving]
MRS. KIM: Goodbye, drive safe.
GUEST: Thank you. [leaves]
LANE: Excellent Thanksgiving, Mama.
MRS. KIM: I think people had fun.
LANE: And it was nice of you to only charge half price on the chair that Yung Hee broke.
MRS. KIM: That was my cost.
LANE: That why it was nice.
DAVE: Well, I guess I'll be going.
MRS. KIM: All right. You did a good job. Thank you for your time, David.
DAVE: Oh, you're welcome, Mrs. Kim. I enjoyed it.
LANE: Yes, thank you.
DAVE: You're welcome.
MRS. KIM: Here. Some rice, spinach, lots of tofurkey.
DAVE: Great, thanks.
MRS. KIM: And something for your time.
DAVE: That's very nice, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.
MRS. KIM: Goodbye.
[Dave leaves]
MRS. KIM: Keep clearing. I'm going to start on the kitchen.
LANE: Okay. Oh, Mama, look. Dave's bible. He forgot it. He's gonna need this, too. I'll run it out to him.
MRS. KIM: Wait.
LANE: We're gonna miss him.
MRS. KIM: Let me see that. [takes the bible and reads the inside cover] This bible belongs to God, but is being used by Dave Rygalski.' [hands the bible back to Lane] Go on.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lane rushes down the sidewalk; Dave is waiting by a tree]
DAVE: Wow, you run really quiet.
LANE: Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
DAVE: What?
LANE: The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
DAVE: It's okay.
LANE: Your hands must be dead.
DAVE: They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
LANE: But this whole thing, this whole charade, the fake flier and everything, it was too much.
DAVE: Lane, it's fine. And that flier  I've gotten like three other calls for paying gigs. I should be paying you a commission.
LANE: Oh, that's not necessary.
DAVE: And check it out  twenty bucks.
LANE: Wow, she liked you.
DAVE: We'll put it towards our first real date.
LANE: Really? After all this  the marathon hymns, the weak punch, the crabby Koreans, you still wanna go out on a date with me?
[Dave nods, then kisses her]
DAVE: I've gotta go. . . but I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street]
RORY: Are you mad?
LORELAI: No, I'm not mad.
RORY: You seem mad.
LORELAI: I'm not mad.
RORY: What are you feeling?
LORELAI: I wouldn't know how to word it.
RORY: Try.
LORELAI: See, my head knows that whichever one of these places you go, Harvard, Princeton, Yale. . .it's gonna be great. It's gonna be awesome, and you're gonna come out on the other side an even more amazing you. But I just wish my head could sit down and have a chat with that gnawing feeling in my gut that's there every time my parents get involved in anything and tell it, it's gonna be okay.
RORY: It's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: Nice try.
[They walk across Sookie's front yard]
JACKSON: What else are we putting in the pot? Come on, let's think of something. Uh, a raspberry, a deep-fried raspberry. How bout a rasquat?
GUY: Cake!
JACKSON: Cake! Deep-fried cake!
GUY: Dibs on the deep-fried cake!
JACKSON: You haven't even eaten your deep-fried biscotti.
[Lorelai and Rory sit down at the picnic table with Sookie]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Ah, hi there.
LORELAI: Are you okay?
SOOKIE: This tastes good.
LORELAI: Yeah, it looks like they're deep-frying
SOOKIE: Everything.
LORELAI: Huh.
SOOKIE: Vegetables, mashed potatoes, butter, pickles, salt, a napkin.
RORY: And yet, you're very serene.
LORELAI: Uh, you're practically floating.
SOOKIE: Well, you caught me at a good time, ladies. I've already gone through the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger. . .I don't remember these two, but they were served on the rocks with salt! Now, I'm just happily enscotched in acceptance. Enscotched. . .
RORY: Ensconced?
SOOKIE: Ensconced  that's it! I do believe I heard Phil suggest throwing Junior in.
LORELAI: Junior?
SOOKIE: His nephew.
LORELAI: Whoa.
SOOKIE: I chimed in on that one.
LORELAI: What happened over there?
SOOKIE: Mm, about a half-hour ago they set the lawn on fire.
LORELAI: Ah.
SOOKIE: But Phil says it's okay and everything cause it'll grow back twice as lush. Though that's what he said when he broke my salad bowl that I brought back from Belgium. That'll maybe grow back, too, huh? [laughs] Phil is a riot. Am I crying or laughing?
LORELAI: Laughing.
SOOKIE: Good.
[Rory's pager goes off]
LORELAI: Who's that?
RORY: It's Lane. It just says bible kiss bible'.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: I have no idea. Good band name, though.
LORELAI: Honey, we should get going? You gonna be okay?
SOOKIE: I'm Sookie.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but you're gonna be okay, right? You'll go to bed soon.
SOOKIE: Unless they deep-fried it.
LORELAI: I'm sure they haven't. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.
[Lorelai and Rory start walking away]
RORY: Poor thing.
LORELAI: Oh, she may not remember any of it.
JACKSON: Deep-fried shoe!
GUY: Deep-fried shoe!
[Everyone cheers]
CUT TO FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Jess walk out of the diner; Jess is carrying a garbage bag]
JESS: Get more trash cans.
LUKE: I don't need more.
JESS: You make me run around town for a place to dump this.
LUKE: Just dump it in one of Taylor's bins. It gets it out of here and it'll drive Taylor crazy. It's a win-win.
LORELAI: Hi guys.
LUKE: We're out of food.
LORELAI: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year.
RORY: Or til tomorrow morning.
LORELAI: Whichever comes first. Hi Saint Nick.
JESS: Tell him he needs to get more trash cans.
LUKE: Just go.
LORELAI: You got any coffee?
LUKE: That I've got. Come on in. Hey, did I see flames coming from Sookie's place about a half-hour ago?
LORELAI: Yeah, why?
[Lorelai and Luke walk into the diner. Rory follows Jess down the sidewalk]
JESS: I still say you should get more tra. . .
[Rory kisses him]
RORY: Hi.
JESS: Hi.
RORY: Later.
[Rory walks away. As Jess carries the trash bag down the street, he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk]
DEAN: Nothing to say?
JESS: Guess not.
DEAN: That's funny, you usually have something to say.
JESS: Guess I'm all talked out.
DEAN: What's the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?
JESS: It's getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.
DEAN: But now's your chance, there's no one else around.
JESS: Go home. Cool off.
DEAN: Come on, make one of your Boy Scout references, or a good Farmer John joke. I got my Doose's Market apron with me  you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don't get it, what happened  you suddenly like me now?
JESS: Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you camping.
DEAN: Good, okay, now we're getting somewhere.
JESS: I'm not gonna fight you, Dean.
DEAN: Why?
JESS: Cause if I fight you, Rory's gonna think it's my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.
DEAN: So Rory's got a nice little hold on you now, huh?
JESS: Geez. Don't do that.
DEAN: How does it feel?
JESS: It feels like I'm with Rory and you're not.
DEAN: You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I'd just stay out of everyone's way, that that would be easiest. But now, I'm looking at you and I'm thinking, I'm gonna run from him? The Glad Man. This is my town, I'm not hiding. And I don't have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.
CUT TO INSIDE THE DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter]
LUKE: So, how did the four dinners work out? You guys must feel more stuffed than you've ever been.
LORELAI: I don't know. Is this more stuffed than the great Six Flags hot dog consumption of 99?
RORY: No, or the taffy binge of '97.
LORELAI: Not by a long shot. See, we didn't eat at my parents because of the upset, so we really had three dinners, not four.
RORY: Which means. . .
LORELAI: What?
RORY: We didn't have to skip rolls.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. Hey, do you have any rolls left?
LUKE: No. Come on.
LORELAI: Just a little something for the walk home.
[Luke hands her a bag of rolls]
LUKE: I don't see how you do it.
LORELAI: Well, you're not us, are ya? Night Luke.
RORY: Night Luke.
LUKE: Night.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk past the gazebo]
LORELAI: This has been a nice Thanksgiving.
RORY: Very.
LORELAI: Nicer for some than others though.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Night Kirk!
[Kirk is trying to go to sleep on a bench in the gazebo]
KIRK: Night.


TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL
Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Skills, Mouth are following Nathan and Haley, who is in labor, to the ambulance. Lucas receives a text message and leaves.
TREE HILL POLICE STATION
Dan walks in
DAN : My name is Dan Scott. I killed my brother.
TREE HILL HOSPITAL
Karen is in the operating room, unconscious
DOCTOR : Her heart rate's dropping.
OB : Come on, Karen. Just breathe. Haley is in the labor room, with Nathan
OB : Come on, Haley, just breathe.
NATHAN : You're doing good, baby. You're doing so good. I'm right here. Karen's operating room, Lucas is behind the window, watching.
LUCAS : Come on, mom. I'm right here.
(we hear the monitor, her heart stops)
DOCTOR : She's coded.
LUCAS : Mom!
KAREN'S DREAM
She is alone in a beautiful park when Keith arrives
KEITH : Karen?
(She jumps in his arms and they kiss, then a little girl arrives)
LITTLE GIRL : Yuck!
KAREN : Who's that?
KEITH : Don't you know?
KAREN : She's our daughter.
LITTLE GIRL : Mommy! Daddy! Come play with me!
(Both join the girl)
LITTLE GIRL : What flower is this, mommy?
KAREN : This is a lily.
(the girl goes play in the park)
KAREN : Oh, she's beautiful.
KEITH : Just like her mother.
LITTLE GIRL : Mommy, come with me.
KEITH : You should go watch over her. I'll wait for you. It's okay. I'll be right here.
(They kiss and Karen goes to see her daughter)
LITTLE GIRL : Come with me, mommy!
KEITH : Look for me in the lilies.
KAREN : There's my girl. These are for you. It's a beautiful lily.
TREE HILL HOSPITAL
Back in Karen's operating room, they shock her and we hear her heart beating again
DOCTOR : Stats and vitals rising. We got her back.
TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL
Brooke is still where the ambulance was, she finds Haley's valedictorian speech and reads it
BROOKE (voiceover) : Now is the time for us to shine, the time when our dreams are within reach and possibilities vast. Now is the time for all of us... to become the people we've always dreamed of being. This is your world. You're here."
TREE HILL HOSPITAL
Haley is giving birth to their child
OB : It's a boy.
BROOKE (voiceover) : You matter.
NATHAN : Just relax.
HALEY : You're a dad!
NATHAN : You did so good. You did so good. We have a son. We have a son.
HALEY : I want to see him. (Haley takes the baby in her arms
HALEY : Hi. Hi, baby.
BROOKE (voiceover) : The world is waiting.
HALEY : Welcome to the world, James Lucas Scott. Look, that's your daddy.
NATHAN : He's so beautiful.
HALEY : That's your daddy.
SCOTT'S HOUSE, 2 WEEKS LATER
Nathan is holding his son, watching basketball and listening rap music. Haley walks in
HALEY : Unbelievable. He's only mellow when we play rap music? What happened to the classical music I played for nine months?
NATHAN : I got a confession to make. Every time you fell asleep, I went to old-school hip-hop. That's my boy, isn't it? That's my boy. You like some old-school hip-hop, huh? Yeah.
GRAVEYARD
Karen is sitting in front of Keith's grave, holding their daughter.
KAREN : Hi, Keith. It's us. Her name is Lily. Lily Roe Scott. Hi. I'm gonna be seeing you in her every day.
SIDE OF A ROAD
Peyton is outside her car with the hood opened, Lucas arrives in his car
LUCAS : You've got to be kidding me. Again?
PEYTON : I guess.
LUCAS : Doesn't look like anything's wrong. You sure it won't start? Peyton?
(Lucas closes the hood, Peyton is sitting inside the car)
PEYTON : Oh, the car's fine. I was just feeling sentimental about the first time we spoke.
LUCAS : Feeling sentimental, or avoiding packing for your trip to Los Angeles with Brooke tomorrow?
PEYTON : I don't want to go. I mean, I do want to go. I'm just... I'm gonna miss you.
LUCAS : Come on, look. At least you know what you're gonna do.
PEYTON : You still haven't decided yet?
LUCAS : I just didn't see this other thing coming, you know?
PEYTON : Can I help you?
LUCAS : I don't think so. I just keep telling myself that... there will be some significant moment when I will know what to do. How about you? Can I help you?
PEYTON : Yeah. Remember when your mom was in the hospital, and you asked me just to lie with you and heal you?
LUCAS : Yeah.
PEYTON : I think I could use some of that healing before tomorrow.
LUCAS : I can do that.
SCOTT'S HOUSE
NATHAN : So, you know, there's a big party tonight, kind of a last hurrah for all the seniors.
HALEY : I know, but what are we gonna do with the baby?
(Deb walks in)
DEB : Cue the crazy grandmother. And F.Y.I., if either of you ever calls me "grandmother" in public, I'll use my gun. Which is at the range, safe from the most beautiful baby boy in the world. Next to you, Nathan, of course. Oh, who am I kidding? You are the cutest. You, you, you. Go. I'll watch him.
HALEY : Oh, I don't know.
NATHAN : We're underage, mom, and there's gonna be drinking, alcohol, probably some drugs.
DEB : You're going to the party, and you're going to have fun. We insist. Now go. Bring me home some drugs. Isn't grandma funny? Isn't she?
PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD
Lots of people are arriving at the party
BROOKE : Wow. So, what's the deal with this party, anyway?
MOUTH : At midnight, the Tree Hill high computers change over, and the juniors become seniors.
BROOKE : So, what happens to us?
CHASE : We're gone.
BROOKE : I don't want to be gone.
CHASE : Well, you got until midnight.
MOUTH : Hey, let me ask you guys something. Does it look like I'm wearing a blouse?
BROOKE : I like it.
CHASE : Uh, it's a little...
MOUTH : Great. I'm the blouse man. It looks like I'm competing in men's ice dancing, doesn't it?
CHASE : No, it looks like you're winning men's ice dancing.
BROOKE : Stop it. It's fine.
CHASE : I'm just playing. As long as you don't have wine coolers in that bag, you're good.
MOUTH : You know what? You guys go ahead. I'm gonna, uh, grab my jacket.
(Mouth leaves)
CHASE : Hey, listen. I'm gonna stay out of your way tonight 'cause you got a lot of people to say goodbye to before you leave tomorrow.
BROOKE : Thanks.
Lucas and Peyton arrive at the party
PEYTON : Maybe I don't even have to go. I mean, what do interns do anyway? They, like, answer phones. I already know how to answer phones. Look... Hello?
LUCAS : You're going, and you're gonna have fun. Haley and Nathan arrive at the party
HALEY : Okay, we'll have fun. I just saying, maybe I should give Deb one quick call just to check in.
NATHAN : Hales, come on, I miss the boy, too, but we're not gonna be those crazy, obsessive parents. You need to enjoy one last night with all your friends.
HALEY : Okay, I won't call.
NATHAN : All right. Tonight's gonna rock. Brooke and Chase are walking all the way to the entrance
BROOKE : Tonight's gonna suck. I can't believe they're gonna erase us.
CHASE : No, I see possibilities in a night like this. It's your last chance to tell someone you love them, maybe apologize to an old friend, try something new. Tonight has greatness written all over it. I can feel it.
BROOKE : Okay.
GUY : Name.
BROOKE : Brooke Davis.
GUY : I'm sorry. I've got strict orders not to admit Brooke Davis.
BROOKE : Excuse me? Whose stupid party is this, anyway?
RACHEL : Mine, bitch. And your fat ass isn't invited.
BROOKE : Oh, my god. Rachel finds Mouth
RACHEL : Well, if it isn't the only guy to ever leave me in a hotel room before the s*x.
MOUTH : Well, well. Come here. Where you been? What are you doing here?
RACHEL : Well, where I've been's a long story. What I'm doing here's pretty easy. I missed you.
MOUTH : I missed you, too.
(Brooke arrives)
BROOKE : Hang out with her too long, you're gonna end up in Honey Grove. I need to borrow you. Come with me, boy and friend.
MOUTH : Where to?
BROOKE : Someone's playing spin the bottle.
MOUTH : Spin the bottle? What are we... 13?
BROOKE : Shut up. God. Look, if you ask me, it's really stupid that we all ever stopped playing spin the bottle, so quit being so grumpy.
MOUTH : Hey, you'd be grumpy, too, if a girl you had history with just showed up out of the blue.
(They both walk inside the house and find Shelly, already playing spin the bottle)
SHELLY (surprised) : Mouth.
BROOKE (to Mouth) : You were saying?
(Mouth leaves)
BROOKE : Hi.
Haley is alone, on the phone
HALEY : Hey, Deb, hi. It's... It's me. I... I'm sorry to bother you. I just wanted to... check in, yeah. Everything's great? Great. Okay, good, good. All right. Thanks. Oh, also, can you just not tell Nathan that I called this time... or last time? Thanks. Also, uh, before you go, he really likes his little... giraffe.
(Rachel arrives behind her and flicks her in the back of her head)
HALEY : Ow!
RACHEL : That's for soaking me at the last party. The bitch slap, I deserved.
(Rachel starts leaving, Haley throws her glass at her back)
HALEY : That's for flicking me in the back of the head.
(Haley leaves)
RACHEL : I'm gonna miss this.
Nathan is on the roof, Lucas joins him
LUCAS : Is that Nathan Scott, big-time college basketball player?
NATHAN : Small-time college basketball player.
LUCAS : Well, whatever, but... congratulations, man... on everything. How's fatherhood?
NATHAN : It's awesome. How's brotherhood?
LUCAS : Awesome.
(they exchange pictures)
NATHAN : She's beautiful, Luke.
LUCAS : Handsome kid. Looks like his uncle.
(They stay in silence for a while)
NATHAN : We got to go see him.
LUCAS : Yeah, I know. But what do you say to your father the murderer?
NATHAN : Whatever we say, we just get it over with. I'm tired of carrying it around and avoiding him.
LUCAS : Let's do it tonight. Let's stop running from him.
NATHAN : Okay. Okay, we'll go later tonight, then. May need a few drinks first.
(Nathan starts leaving)
NATHAN : Lucas... I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
LUCAS : I'm sorry I was right.
Brooke is looking at her cell phone, Chase sent her a video
CHASE (message) : Brooke Davis, look to your right, and you'll see the hottest guy at the party.
(Brooke looks at Chase, but Haley arrives)
HALEY : Hey.
BROOKE : Hi, tutor mom. How you feeling... you having fun or you worried about the kid?
HALEY : Um, I am... worried... about you, too. I'm gonna miss you this summer.
BROOKE : Okay, don't. Don't do that. Don't make me cry 'cause I'm barely holding it together as it is.
HALEY : Nathan and I want you to be James' godmother.
BROOKE : Okay, that's gonna do it. Haley. I would be honored to be his godmother, and I promise you that, unlike my ungodly mother, I will so kick ass at this.
HALEY : I know you will... as long as you don't say "kick ass" around him too much.
BROOKE : Right, sorry.
Shelly is alone, Peyton comes see her
PEYTON : Like your leather. You're Shelly, right?
SHELLY : Yeah. Uh, we had current events together, right?
PEYTON : Yeah. Hey, I just want to tell you, I think Clean Teens is really cool.
SHELLY : Thanks. I... kind of ended it.
PEYTON : Well, it's still really brave of you. I totally would have joined if I didn't love s*x so much. That's a joke.
SHELLY : Yeah.
(Rachel joins them)
RACHEL : Man, Clean Teen wardrobe sure has changed. I want back in.
(Brooke and Haley arrive too)
BROOKE : Look at this. It's like a Clean Teen reunion. All we need now is Chase, but... honestly, he's not that clean. He appreciates the art of a dirty text message.
(Bevin arrives and grabs the girls to dance)
RACHEL : I don't suppose the Clean Teen dances much.
SHELLY : Oh, please. I was doing the whole slut thing long before you, bitch.
Skills is inside the house
SKILLS (singing) : "If you wanna be my lover You got to get with my friends"
(Lucas arrives)
SKILLS : What? It's catchy.
LUCAS : You believe in miracles, Skills? 'Cause there's no way in hell a couple of vagabonds like us walked off the River Court and won the State Championship.
SKILLS : Yeah. Hey, you know my joint ain't too far from U.N.C. this year, right? We gonna be boys for life.
LUCAS : Hey, you guys play Nathan and Whitey next season?
SKILLS : December 9th, 3:00, and I plan to score at 3:01, 3:02, and 3:03. You gonna be there, right?
LUCAS : We'll see.
SKILLS : "We'll see"? Kill all that "boys for life" talk, dog. Matter of fact, we ain't even friends right now.
LUCAS : Right.
SKILLS : Be right back.
(Skills leaves when Nathan arrives)
NATHAN : Hey, Skills. All right. Let's go see Dan.
LUCAS : You sure?
NATHAN : Yeah, I'm sure. Why? Aren't you?
LUCAS : I don't know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INSIDE PRISON
Dan is in his cell
POLICE OFFICER : Scott. Visitation.
(Karen arrives in front of his cell)
KAREN : I have a daughter. Her name is Lily. And someday, when she's old enough, she's gonna ask me where her daddy is... Who he was... and how he died. And on that day, I'm gonna look into her beautiful eyes... eyes that don't know of malice... and jealousy... and evil... and I'm gonna say... "Your father loved his younger brother very much, and that brother took him from you for your entire life. He made sure you would never know your father."
DAN (crying) : Karen.
(Karen spits on the window and leaves)
PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD
Brooke is watching everybody from a far, alone
SKILLS : You must be drinking, baby.
BEVIN : No, I don't wanna drink. I just wanna be upside down. This isn't funny.
(Lucas arrives)
LUCAS : So, you ready to leave tomorrow?
(He sees her crying)
LUCAS : Hey, what's wrong?
BROOKE : I don't know. I just, um... I know moving on is a good thing. I guess I'm just scared. You know? High school's safe, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the real world.
LUCAS : For the past few months, I've been writing this... I guess in part so I could remember it all. But, um... here.
(Lucas opens his book and gives it to her)
BROOKE (reading) : "She was fiercely independent. Brooke Davis... Brilliant and beautiful and brave. In two years, she'd grown more than anyone I had ever known. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday, and I'm not sure she even knows it."
LUCAS : You're gonna do great, Brooke. The world doesn't stand a chance.
BROOKE : Thank you.
Shelly is in the middle of the crowd
GIRL : Hey, Shelly. Nice moves.
SHELLY : Thanks.
GUY : Hey, Shelly... nice skirt. So, you gonna let me slide you out of that at church camp again or what? Come on... slut.
(Mouth arrives)
MOUTH : What did you say?
SHELLY : Mouth, it's okay.
MOUTH : No, it's not okay.
GUY : Oh, no? Whatever, geek.
(The guy pushes Mouth)
SHELLY : What are you doing?
GUY : Do you believe this?
(Mouth gets off the ground)
GUY : You know, I was gonna take it easy on...
(Mouth punches the guy in the face)
MOUTH : Yeah, me, too.
MOUTH (to Shelly) : He's sorry. You look great.
Nathan is showing some pictures of his son
REESE : Oh, my gosh. Nathan, your baby is so beautiful.
NATHAN : He is, isn't he?
(Haley arrives)
HALEY : Hi. Sorry. Can we just have a second?
REESE : Congratulations, Haley.
HALEY : Thank you, Reese.
(The girls leave)
HALEY : Um, we need to go home.
NATHAN : Why? What is it?
HALEY : I know we promised we wouldn't do this, but I called just to check in on the baby, and Deb's not answering the phone, there's no busy signal, no answering machine, and she's not answering her cellphone.
NATHAN : Okay, let's not freak out, okay? It doesn't mean my mom's not on top of it.
HALEY : Your mom the former drug addict, attempted murderer, who dropped a loaded gun in the café?
NATHAN : It wouldn't hurt to check.
HALEY : Right.
Mouth and Shelly are sitting on a couch
SHELLY : I thought about calling you a million times. Are you mad at me?
MOUTH : No. I just stayed away because you asked me to. No, uh, Clean Teen shirt, huh?
SHELLY : No. It was time to end it. I was just trying to find my place, you know?
MOUTH : Yeah. You'll always be important to me, Shelly.
(Mouth starts leaving)
SHELLY : Mouth.
(She hugs him)
MOUTH : I like the skirt.
Peyton finds Brooke alone
PEYTON : Hey, you. What have you been up to?
BROOKE : Flirting with Lucas.
PEYTON : Oh, yeah? How'd that turn out?
BROOKE : Meh. So, so. Love triangles are so high school.
PEYTON : Seriously.
BROOKE : We made it, didn't we? Through all the tragedy and jealousy and confusion... We made it.
PEYTON : Yeah. Hoes over bros, right?
BROOKE : I love you, P. Sawyer.
PEYTON : I love you, too, B. Davis. Fergie, Junk and Mouth are sitting on the roof, Skills joins them
SKILLS : Almost midnight... end of an era. Four years of high school and zero girlfriends for Junk and Fergie.
JUNK : My girlfriend's canadian.
SKILLS : Man, whatever. What you thinking about, Marv?
(Mouth spins the bottle, which point Brooke)
MOUTH : I'll be right back.
(Mouth jumps from the roof, walks toward Brooke and kiss her)
JUNK, FERGIE, SKILLS (screaming) : Hey, Mouth, what's...
SKILLS : Yeah, Mouth! That's my dog!
MOUTH : I always wanted to do that.
(Mouth leaves and passes Chase)
MOUTH : Sorry.
BROOKE : Um... did you...
CHASE : I-I said you could hang out. I didn't say you could make out.
BROOKE : Do you see what happens when you leave me alone all night? I mean, seriously, thank you for letting me say goodbye to all my friends, but you're the one I want to finish the night with.
CHASE : I was hoping you were gonna say that.
BROOKE : How about you kiss me till I have to leave tomorrow?
CHASE : It's a start. Come on.
SCOTT'S HOUSE
Deb is sitting with Jamie sleeping in her arms. Haley and Nathan walk in.
HALEY : Deb?
NATHAN : Mom? Mom, what happened to the phone?
DEB : I unplugged it.
NATHAN : Why?
DEB : Because the two of you were driving us crazy.
HALEY : The two of us?
NATHAN : I might have called a couple of times.
DEB : Six times.
HALEY : You crazy, obsessive parent.
DEB : You called eight.
HALEY : I missed him.
DEB : He's fine. But go back to the party and have fun. You have the rest of your lives to worry about children. Trust me.
(Deb leaves)
HALEY : All right. You want to go back?
NATHAN : Yeah. Hey, hold on a second. You're gonna be a great mom, you know that? Actually, you already are a great mother, and that's very sexy.
HALEY : Really? We don't have to go back right away.
NATHAN : You're absolutely right.
PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD
Brooke and Chase are in a car, kissing. Brooke starts to get undressed
CHASE : Did I mention this was the greatest night of my life?
BROOKE : Well, you said it was a night to be great and to try new things, so I figured we'd do both at once.
CHASE : You're gonna change the world someday, Brooke Davis.
BROOKE : Yeah, so I've been told.
CHASE : Be gentle with me. Lucas and Peyton are alone, sitting on a bench, far from the party
LUCAS : I don't want you to go.
PEYTON : What?
LUCAS : I'm sorry. I just... I've been trying to put a good face on. God, I love you so much, Peyton.
PEYTON : So you want me to stay?
LUCAS : Yeah.
PEYTON : Then I'll stay.
LUCAS : No, you won't. I want you to stay. But I won't let you. And do you know why? Because I've told you before... You are destined for greatness. And it starts tomorrow morning.
PEYTON : It's not gonna matter anyway... whether I stay or I go... with us... 'cause I'm gonna love you forever, Lucas Scott.
(Nathan an Haley join them)
NATHAN : Yeah, so am I.
PEYTON : Hey, where have you guys been?
HALEY : I don't know. Around. Hey, um, you got a sec, Luke?
LUCAS : Yeah.
(Haley and Lucas go for a walk, Nathan sits with Peyton)
PEYTON : All right, let me see that baby. Oh, god.
NATHAN : Not bad, huh?
PEYTON : Good work, buddy.
NATHAN : I made that.
Brooke and Chase are still in the car
CHASE : So, tell me that was the greatest 60 seconds of your life.
BROOKE : Stop. It was great.
CHASE : So great you're gonna stay?
BROOKE : Mmm... not really that great.
CHASE : Suddenly I feel used. But it's okay, considering I've been used by Brooke Davis.
BROOKE : Shut up. You know I'm lying. I am gonna miss you. I already do. You've become such a big part of my life, sometimes I think it's strange that I didn't know you till now.
CHASE : It's okay. Put me in your heart and go see everything, Brooke. And then come back to me. Haley and Lucas are walking
HALEY : I'm sad. I am sad. I... It just hit me today that you and I have been together pretty much every day of our lives, and we're gonna have to say goodbye soon. We're not gonna...
LUCAS : Hales.
HALEY : Look, I just... I really want you to know that I love you and there's a reason why our son's middle name is Lucas. You had Keith, and James is gonna have you. And, um... Nathan and I would like for his uncle Lucas to also be his godfather.
LUCAS : Thank you. I would love to.
HALEY : Good. I just... I hope he learns how to follow his heart like you do. I'm really gonna miss you, Luke.
LUCAS : No, you're not.
HALEY : What do you mean? What's so funny?
LUCAS : Do you want to hear a secret?
(Lucas whispers something to Haley)
HALEY : Oh, Luke.
Rachel is inside the house, Brooke comes to see her
RACHEL : Hey. Where you been?
BROOKE : Having s*x.
RACHEL : You're funny.
BROOKE : I have something for you.
(Brooke gives Rachel her diploma)
BROOKE : Turner gave it to me. Happy graduation.
RACHEL : You told him the truth, didn't you?
BROOKE : Maybe.
RACHEL : You know, of all the schools I got suspended from... I'm glad I graduated from this one.
BROOKE : Me too.
Lucas joins Nathan who's alone
LUCAS : I've been thinking about Dan.
NATHAN : Yeah?
LUCAS : Why should we go see him?
NATHAN : You mean tonight?
LUCAS : No, I mean... I mean at all. I mean... he's had control over us since we were born. These are our lives, not his. I say we go on without him. I say... we never go see him. Ever.
NATHAN : I know it sounds horrible to say, but, uh... I'm okay with that. I mean, I got a great wife, I got a beautiful baby son, and I got a hell of a brother.
LUCAS : Yeah... hell of a brother who's gonna be your coach. Whitey offered me an assistant-coaching job. I'm gonna take it.
NATHAN : What? When did you decide this?
LUCAS : About the same time I became a godfather.
NATHAN : That's great, man. We'll do it together.
LUCAS : By the way, make sure you play well on december 9th. If Skills beats us, he's never gonna let us hear the end of it.
NATHAN : Yeah. Everybody is outside the house
EVERYBODY : 12...11...10...9...8...
LUCAS : What's going on?
MOUTH : It's almost midnight.
EVERYBODY : ...5...4...3...2...1! We're seniors!
BROOKE : Oh, high-school kids. Let's get out of here, you guys.
BEVIN : Where to?
SKILLS : I know a place open all night. Let's roll.
RIVERCOURT
All the band arrive
PEYTON : Girls versus boys!
(They start playing)
HALEY (whispering to Nathan) : You give me that ball and I'll make it worth for a while.
NATHAN : Sorry, guys.
HALEY : Sweet!
Later, they all wrote their names down the court, and they stand all together.
BROOKE : Okay. We're not gonna do this. We're not gonna get sad. Nothing's gonna change now. We'll all be friends forever. I know it.
LUCAS : Look, in four years, we're gonna be right back here. You know, done with college or... wherever we go. Right?
EVERYBODY : Yeah.
NATHAN (to Lucas) : Hey. Ready for a rematch, or you afraid you're gonna get worked?
LUCAS : Do you really want to end your night with a loss?
MOUTH : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another historic night.
NATHAN : You sure you're up for this, old man?
LUCAS : I could do this forever, little brother.


Act 1
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is seeing a guest off the premises. Both are dressed in tuxedos, as are Niles, Martin and Bulldog who are also in the room. Roz and Daphne are decked out in elegant eveningwear.
Frasier: [opening the front door as the guest walks out] Glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you know the way don't be a stranger. OK. Good night! [closes the door after the man] Who the hell was that?
Niles: He's not from the station?
Roz: I never saw him before.
Daphne: He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards.
Martin: That's 'cause he was our waiter.
Frasier: Well, that's the last time I say, "everybody back to my place!"
Bulldog: [holding up his SeaBea] Who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
Roz: For you, maybe. The rest of us lost.
Bulldog: Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose. It's an honour just being nomin... [breaks into laughter] I couldn't get through that crap on stage, I can't get through it now!
Roz: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?
Frasier: No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight.
Roz: Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did. [dials the number then starts speaking into the phone] Hey Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? We won again! We're all here celebrating.
Roz holds up the phone to indicate they make some kind of noise of celebration. All they can muster is a half-hearted "YEAH!" sounding completely unconvincing.
Roz: Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
Niles: You lied to "Gammy?"
Roz: Well, she's old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant!
Frasier: You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question...
Martin: [preparing for the worst] Oh, here we go. Buckle up!
Frasier: Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable.
Bulldog: Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You're the best I've ever been with"; "Your thighs don't look that fat"; "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy." [Bulldog notes the disgusted faces around the room] Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist; we live by different rules.
Niles: An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain. I'm reminded of Maris's brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her, "You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse!"
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien. [laughs]
Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head. [laughs again]
Roz: How did Lilith find out?
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior Mensa meeting, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "I can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!
Laughter all around.
Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told my school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. [Daphne laughs hilariously whilst the others look slightly perturbed] Of course they were horrified and it didn't help my social life at all. [sighs] But for a while there it was nice having a sister.
Niles nods his head in sympathy before subtly removing the glass of champagne from Daphne's hand and passing it to Frasier who nods his head in agreement.
Niles: Oh. Remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid The President's Physical Fitness Test...
Frasier: ...that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off.
Niles: And we blamed that delinquent kid, John Rajeski.
Frasier: Yes.
Martin: [appalled] You did what?
Frasier: What's wrong?
Martin: You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm.
Frasier: [laughing] Well, of course we weren't going to tell you.
Martin storms off into the kitchen.
Niles: For Heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids.
Martin: [turning back] You know, the headmaster said it was you two. I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, "My kids don't lie." Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled!
Frasier: [shocked] Expelled? If we'd have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth.
Niles: [unrepentant] Not me. He was a brute and a meanie.
Frasier: You're right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don't have to be witty to be cruel.
Martin: Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did. Getting him expelled was worse. [angrily] I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody.
Everyone says good night as Martin goes through to the bedroom.
Frasier: Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate. Apparently there are no good lies.
Bulldog: Hey, hey, it's getting kinda heavy in here. We gotta liven this place up, huh? Hey, I know - party games, huh? All right Doc, I'm going to need a blindfold, whipped cream and a glass coffee table. [everyone looks mystified] What? Nobody went to camp?
Roz: [getting up] Forget it, Bulldog. These guys are no fun. [grabs his butt as she walks past] You know what? I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks.
Bulldog: [rushing after Roz to the front door] Now you're talking. Hey, if things go well I know an after after-hours place. And I got the keys.
Roz: Mmm. You get the elevator; I'll get my coat.
Bulldog: You're on.
Bulldog rushes out and Roz closes the door behind him, firmly locking it.
Roz: No good lies, my ass!
Daphne laughs and Frasier and Niles toast each other with their champagne.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Café Nervosa. Niles walks in and sees Frasier sitting down. Niles hangs up his coat before sitting down. It is apparent that both brothers are wearing exactly the same suit right down to the shirt and tie.
Niles: Good morning, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, good morning, Niles... [suddenly notices Niles's suit] Oh dear God - it's finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity!
Niles: I didn't use Renaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
Niles and Frasier suddenly stop and stare tentatively at each other's shoes. They both reel back in horror as they realise they've got the same as well.
Niles: [annoyed] Well, why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?
Frasier: Oh please.
Niles: Obviously we have to sit apart.
Frasier: Sit down! There's something I need to talk to you about. I doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I are. I'm sure they won't even notice.
At this point the waitress approaches with two coffees.
Waitress: [to Frasier] Here you are, double espresso. [to Niles] I took a chance and brought you the same thing. [leaves]
Frasier: After our conversation last night I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn't sleep a wink.
Niles: You can't be serious?
Frasier: You mean it didn't bother you? Where is your conscience?
Niles: Perhaps it fell into the quad - along with my hall monitor beret when John hung me from the flagpole! He was going to be expelled sooner or later. You cannot guilt me into feeling bad.
Frasier: Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did but I still think we owe him an apology. Can I borrow your phone, Niles?
Niles: Certainly. [hands over phone then suddenly realises] You're not going to call him?
Frasier: I am.
Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier: [speaking into the phone] A number for a John Rajeski, please? [speaking to Niles] Niles, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry. [speaking into phone] Oh yes, connect me please.
Niles: Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. But don't tell him that. And if he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, no, France. No, Italy!
Frasier: [speaking into the phone] Yes, hello. Is John Rajeski there, please? It's an old friend... Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Thank you. [hangs up] Niles, it's worse than we thought - he's in prison.
Niles: [smug] Well... who's wearing shorts in the shower now?
Frasier: Well, joke all you like. I still can't help thinking this is all our fault.
Niles: How?
Frasier: Well, he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public. Got in with the wrong crowd. Couldn't hold on to a job. He could turn to a life of crime.
Niles: Frasier. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people. We did not set him on the path to prison.
Frasier: Yes, well until I'm sure of that fact my conscience will not rest. I have got to speak with him. [to waiter] Can I have the check, please?
Niles: [incredulous] You're not going down to the jail?
Frasier: Yes, I am. I invite you to join me.
Niles: [sarcastic] Yes, that's a good idea, Frasier. The Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DEAD MAN TALKING
Scene 3 - The prison. Frasier is nervously walking round a room bare except for a table and two chairs in the middle of the floor. John Rajeski is brought in by a guard.
[N.B. John Rajeski is actually the name of one of the show's producer's assistants. He appears as a Cafe Nervosa waiter in [3.24], "You Can Go Home Again."]
John: Frasier Crane?
Frasier: John.
John: [smiling and shaking his hand] Hey. How's it going?
Frasier: Well, fine. And you?
John: Eh... [shrugs and waves at his surroundings] What brings you down here?
Frasier: Well, I don't know if you get the alumni magazine, but I became a psychiatrist, and I'm currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there... [notices John's fists] That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
John: [laughs] I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff.
Niles: Oh, yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher.
John: Yeah, class clown - that was me. [both laugh at this] How is Niles, anyway?
Frasier: Ah, er... ah, he's abroad now.
John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt.
Frasier: No, no, I mean, er... yes, I suppose it did! Well anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here.
John: Ah, that's easy. I'm doing time for passing a bad check.
Frasier: Ah. [begins writing in his notebook]
John: You see, I wanted to get my wife something nice. We're going through a rough time recently. I was scared she was going to leave me, you know?
Frasier: [relieved] Well, that was quick and painless. We've identified the point where you fell off the beam. [gets up to leave]
John: Actually though, I was already on probation. I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me.
Frasier: And that was your first infraction?
John: Yeah.
Frasier: [getting up again] Well then, case closed, mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic?
John: I did have a juvenile record.
Frasier: [sitting down again] Apparently there is.
John: I got in a high school fight.
Frasier: You did say high school, not prep school?
John: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after you knew me. I went bad then. Always getting into fights. Of course I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't have gotten thrown out of that good school me and you were in. That had a big effect on me you know?
Frasier: Yes well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey through...
John: [getting up] No, no, no. That was a bum rap. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and they blamed me for it. They said I did it but I didn't do it.
Frasier: [becoming visibly worried] Let's discuss your early childhood.
John: [stamping his fist off the desk in anger] You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school. Ever since then my life's been crap! CRAP!
[now banging the desk in rage]
Frasier: [hurriedly gathering his notebook and getting up] I think I have all the information I need now.
John: Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that.
Frasier: Well, that's all right, John. [shaking hands with John] Thank you for your time.
John: I got plenty of it. I'll see you, huh?
Frasier: [nervously thinking as John knocks on the door to leave] No, no, John. There's just one more thing. [turns to the guard who's ready to take John back] One second, please. [turns to John] There's something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I'm not very proud of...
At this point a very large, very burly fellow prisoner covered in bruises and a neck cast appears at the door.
Prisoner: Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb, man.
Needless to say Frasier looks frightened out of his wits as the prisoner scuttles off.
John: So what did you do?
Frasier: Er... well, I, er... I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
John: [jokingly] And I'm the one who gets expelled?
John is led away by the guard leaving Frasier wondering how he can break the news to John.
End of Act 1
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act 2
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is sitting back in his chair. Daphne opens the front door to a limping, leaning Niles.
Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane
Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad.
Daphne: Something wrong with your back?
Niles: I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point.
Daphne: Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket, I'll be right back. [goes to the powder room]
Niles: You're too kind. You know, I should never even have attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
Daphne looks suitably impressed before closing the door.
Martin: You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
Niles: Quiet!
Daphne returns with a small tub of something.
Daphne: All right, pull out your shirttails and lay facedown on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and mutters a moan of satisfaction] I haven't even touched you yet!
Niles: I started without you.
Daphne proceeds to rub Niles's back with some sort of liniment.
Martin: [concerned] Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time, it burned like hell!
Daphne: Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it?
Martin: It nearly killed me!
Daphne: Listen to the big tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane?
Niles: [in heaven] Not a bit! Frost me like a cake!
Martin: Well, just wait a minute. It goes on cool but it then it turns into a blowtorch.
Daphne: Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we?
Niles: I should say we d...[winces slightly] Ooh!
Martin smiles at him.
Daphne: Is it starting to warm up?
Niles: [wincing a little more] Ahh, yeah! It's a... refreshing heat, like those towels they give you on the airplane. [clearly feigning pleasure] Whoooo!
Daphne: I'm not hurting you, am I?
Niles: No, no. I'm just a little ticklish back there.
He bites down on the pillow to muffle his screams.
Martin: Well, I guess you are the tough one!
Daphne: [getting up] There you go.
Martin: Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne - you missed a big spot right there.
Niles: [hastily getting up] No, that's OK! Because it's all done now! Thank you, Daphne! [in agony] A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, [rushes for the kitchen bounding over the coffee table] but now look at me, I'm running!
Niles heads straight for the refrigerator, finds a bag of frozen peas and stuffs them down the back of his shirt, followed by the tub of ice cream. He turns around and desperately rubs his back against the fridge. Back in the living room Daphne is talking to Martin.
Daphne: How is that hip of yours, anyway?
Martin: Back off, witch woman!
The front door opens and Frasier walks in.
Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Evening, Daphne.
Martin: How did you get on at the jail?
Frasier: Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out of prep school was the beginning of his life of crime.
Martin: Been thinking that all these years?
Frasier: [disconsolate] No. I sort of connected the dots for him!
Martin: You tell him it was you?
Frasier: I intended to, but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties.
Martin: Well, you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would anyway.
Niles: [emerging from the kitchen] I hope you remembered to tell him I was an expatriate.
Frasier: I told him you were an ex-something. [Niles looks confused.] You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice.
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes.
Martin and Niles both stop what they're doing and look up confused.
Frasier: That was sweets, not Swedes!
Daphne: I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals.
Frasier: You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It's not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man.
Niles: Well, I hope you do, Frasier because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your... [bends over and suddenly cries out in agony] Oh, pain's back!
Martin: Not to worry. She's got more liniment.
Niles: [suddenly standing upright still in agony] Oh, pain's gone!
Daphne: Come on now. Be brave. [drags Niles's behind her] Let's go into the loo and I'll give you a second coat.
Niles stretches out his hand in a last-ditch bid to stay out of Daphne's clutches but Martin just smiles at him as he is dragged into the powder room.
Frasier: You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I'm a skilled couples' therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems...
Martin: Oh, Jeez!
Frasier: [heading for the phone] No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life but with my gift I could save the next 25. [speaks into the phone] Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski, please.
Martin: I'm telling you, Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon.
Frasier: Dad, just relax, please - I know what I'm doing. [speaks into the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me but I'm...
A piercing scream comes from the bathroom as the second coat is obviously being applied.
Frasier: Why - well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Susan Rajeski's apartment. Frasier knocks on the door and Susan opens.
Frasier: Mrs. Rajeski?
Susan: Wow, it's really you - Frasier Crane!
Frasier: May I?
Susan: Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please come in. [Frasier walks in] You know, you're kind of like a God at work. [Frasier looks a bit humbled] Please, please sit down.
Frasier: [sitting down] Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help?
Susan: Well, I love John. I really do, but there is a problem. It's just a little difficult talking about it, you know? I mean, it's a little embarrassing - especially face-to-face.
Frasier: Well, I'll tell you what. Just pretend I'm on my radio show, [turns his back to Susan] and now you're just another caller.
Susan: OK. Well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem.
Frasier: Ah.
Susan: You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous.
Frasier: [turning round] Dangerous?
Susan: You're looking at me.
Frasier: [turning back round] Sorry.
Susan: Like doing it in a car.
Frasier: Well, that's not so dangerous.
Susan: You must be some driver.
Frasier: [realises] Oh. And you've never had an accident?
Susan: No, I'm on the pill!
Frasier: [back still turned] So how long have you had this particular kink?
Susan: [standing up starts playing with her buttons] Well, I don't know really. It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the Slurpy machine and I'd already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way...
She rips off her dress to reveal a sexy black negligee. Frasier is still sitting on the couch, back turned, unaware.
Susan: That's when I realised what really turns me on - knowing I could get caught at any moment. [leaps onto Frasier's lap]
Frasier: [horrified] Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he?
Susan: He could walk in at any time.
Frasier: He'll kill us!
Susan: [writhing in pleasure] Ooh, touch me here and say that.
Frasier: [struggling up with Susan still attached] ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn't even let people touch his comb!
Susan: I know. What's that all about?
Frasier: [backing off] You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home.
As Frasier heads for the front door there is a rattling on the other side. John is home.
John: Open up.
Frasier: [panicking] You only have time for one - I suggest the dress. Where's the bedroom?
Susan: You're in it.
Frasier: Listen, you've got to get him out of here.
Susan: [excited] And pass the chance to have s*x with him knowing he could find you here at any minute?
She heads for the front door with a huge grin on her face. Meanwhile Frasier hides behind the sofa. Susan opens the door to John.
Susan: [hugging John] Welcome home, baby!
John: [hugging Susan then noticing the negligee] What are you doing?
Susan: Well, I'm just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to?
John: Sure I do, but, er... you mean normally. The super's not going to barge in? You didn't dial 911 or anything like that?
Susan: I've got everything I need right here in this room.
Behind the sofa, Frasier rolls his eyes.
John: [kissing Susan] I'm just going to pull down the shades. [heads for the shades, which are next to the sofa]
Susan: Wait, wait!
John walks behind the sofa then stops suddenly as he looks down.
John: [angrily] What the hell is this?!
Susan looks caught, but he bends down and picks up a pair of high heels.
John: How much did you spend on these?
Susan: Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later?
John: [hugging Susan] Why don't you turn off the light?
Susan turns off the light. Unfortunately the moonlight streams in through the open window, highlighting Frasier's silhouette hiding behind a paper screen, clearly visible behind John. Susan hurriedly switches the lights back on.
Susan: It's too dark. I want to see you.
John: Whatever you want, baby. This is going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night.
Frasier, still in hiding, throws his hands up in despair.
John: But first, I have a surprise for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] "I am a garden, dry and brown. You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar that needs to eat, you are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan."
By now Frasier has had enough and, revisiting his childhood, he holds a lighter up to the smoke alarm. Needless to say this switches the sprinkler system on, practically drowning John and Susan.
John: Oh my God. I knew you had something planned - you set the building on fire!
Susan: No I didn't, I swear.
John: Come on, let's get out of here.
Susan: Oh, but the firemen - they're on their way.
John: Come on!
John grabs Susan and drags her out of the now-soaked room.
A drenched Frasier emerges from his hiding place looking satisfied with himself. He picks the poem up that has been left on the sofa, takes one look at it then discards it with a look of disgust. He checks the doorway before walking out.
End of Act 2
[SCENE_BREAK]
Eddie is on the sofa in Frasier's Apartment whilst Niles goes to put a magazine onto the coffee table. Unfortunately as he bends down he gets stuck again and is in obvious pain. Eddie looks on.
Cue Daphne who rushes out the bedroom and sees Niles in distress. She rushes over to help and Niles, deciding that he's not going through the burning process again, pretends that he is actually leaning down to stroke Eddie.
After much pretending and feigning of smiles, Daphne believes him and goes back to the bedroom. Niles waits until she is gone before struggling to the front door in agony and gets out as fast as he can.