Scene 1: FoS - Sookie, Gabe, Godric, Eric, Jason, Sarah, Steve, Brent, Kyle
Sookie, Gabe, Godric and Hugo are in the basement. Sookie is rebuttoning her dress while Godric is taking care of Gabe.
Gabe: Godric, it's me!
Godric kills the man.
Godric [To Sookie]: You should not have come.
They both hear screams.
Sookie: Bill!
Godric: No.[Closing his eyes] I'm here my child. Down here.
Eric appears.
Eric: Godric.
He kneels down.
Godric: You were a fool for sending humans after me.
Eric: I had no other choice. These savages they... they seek to destroy you.
Godric: I'm aware of what they've planned. [Pointing Hugo] This one betrayed you.
Sookie: He's with the fellowship. They set a trap for us.
Eric: How long has it been since you've fed?
Godric: I require very little blood anymore.
The alarms start.
Godric: Save the human. [To Sookie] Go with him.
Eric: I'm not leaving your side until you are...
Godric: I can take care of myself.
Sookie: Come on! We have to go.
Godric: Spill no blood on the way out. Go!
Eric and Sookie leave the room.
Credits
Jason is lying on the ground and notices the red stain on his chest.
Jason: I'm alive.
He stares at Sarah.
Jason: Holy sh1t. God saved me. I'm safe.
Sarah Newlin: Oh for Heaven's sake grow a brain cell! [Showing the gun] Paintballs!
Jason: What... You crazy bitch!
Sarah Newlin: I let you into my house, into my bed and into my heart. All I stood for, all I believed in, I violated to be with you!
Jason: Okay.
Sarah Newlin: I gave you everything for a lie. You're worse than Judas.
Jason: Why, what did he do to you?
Sarah Newlin: Ugh. f*ck you! [shoots him again, in the groin]
Jason: OOHH OHHH SWEET JESUS. OK, I'm sorry OK? Just, tell me what you want me to say, don't shoot me again...
Sarah Newlin: You came to prey on me; to ruin the sacred vow I made to my husband then like a coward you ran!
Jason: No, I didn't... Okay, I ran. But it wasn't from you. It was from your husband and his crazy weapon collection. Why'd you have to go and tell him?
Sarah Newlin: Tell him? I didn't tell him anything. He's the one who told me!
Jason: [standing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Told you what?
Sarah Newlin: There are wolves in our hen house. We must defend our flock.
Jason: [confused] What's that got to do with-
Sarah Newlin: We have your sister!
Jason: Sookie's in the church?
Sarah Newlin: She came in yesterday, spouting the same lies you told!
Jason: Now you listen to me. She's got nothing to do with this.
Sarah Newlin: You Stackhouses... you're nothing but a bunch of heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers!
Jason: [grabbing the paint gun and pushing her down] Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! If I find out any of you so much has touched her, I'm gonna come back here...and it won't be with no f*ckin' PAINT GUN!
Jason takes the car and leaves.
Back to the FoS Church, people are running away.
Steve one Loudspeaker: Brothers and sisters, we are on lockdown. Women with children, please take them to our classroom buildings. Men, and able-bodied women, security personnel will provide you with stakes and silver just outside the chapel. Our Soldiers of the Sun are on their way to protect our church, but safely evacuate the building now. Brothers and sisters, the hour is upon us!
Eric and Sookie are watching them getting out of the church.
Eric: I could have you out in seconds.
Sookie: There are kids out there.
Eric: All those humans wouldn't think twice about hurting us.
Sookie: Why didn't you bring Bill with you?
Eric: His attachment to you is irrational. It clouds his judgment. He would kill every child in this church to save you.
Sookie: Why aren't you?
Eric: I'm following Godric's orders and getting you out, that's all.
Sookie: He's your maker isn't he?
Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.
Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.
Eric: Don't use word I don't understand...
Eric looks furtively at the entrance door.
Kyle: Let's lock it up! Keep quiet! Alright lock it up, nobody comes through here...
Eric walks out toward the members of the fellowship.
Sookie: Eric, no!
He turns back and leans down to Sookie.
Eric: Trust me.
He walks toward out the entrance door.
Kyle: Is it locked? Did you check on... did you...
Eric: [Taking a cheerful happy-go-lucky voice] Oh Hey y'all! How's it going? Steve sent me over there to man the exit here. Think I can take it from here.
Kyle: By yourself?
Eric: Ha... Yeah!
Kyle: You're big and all but there's a vampire on the loose.
Eric: Oooh...
Brent: Where's your stake?
Eric: Oh [laughing] Dang! I forgot!
Kyle gives Eric a suspicious look.
Eric: Maybe I could borrow yours if... if that's okay.
Another guy looks at him suspiciously.
Brent: I can't do that... Get your own.
Eric:[Back to his usual voice] I'd very much like to borrow your stake.
Brent: Yeah, yeah that'd be okay I guess.
Brent hands Eric the stake while Kyle is about to stake Eric.
Sookie: STAKE!
Eric turns and punches Kyle and Brent down. As Rich goes to stake him, Eric grabs him by the throat and points the stake to Rich's neck, Sookie rushes over.
Sookie: Eric! You don't have to kill him.
He lets go of Rich.
Eric:[Opening the door] Come on!
People are rushing over.
Rich: Those arrows are wood. You'll never make it through.
Sookie: Eric, through the sanctuary.
They enter the sanctuary.
Eric: Where's the exit?
Sookie: Back that way.
Steve: There are several exits, actually. For you, the easiest one takes you straight to hell.
Members of the FotS enter the room.
Sookie: Let us leave. [To the members] Save yourselves. No one has to die.
Steven: The war has begun you evil whore of Satan. You vampires cast the first stone by killing my family. The lines have been drawn. You're either with us, or against us. We are prepared for Armageddon.
Sookie: The vampire you're holding prisoner got away. He's a sheriff. He's bound to send for help.
Steve: I'm not concerned with Godric. Any vampire would do for our grand celebration, and we got one right here.
He points to Eric. Sookie looks at Eric, and he looks her back.
Eric: I'll be fine.
He walks toward the altar.
Steve: Brothers and sisters, there will be a holy bonfire at dawn [laughing].
Scene 2: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Barry, Lorena, Hoyt, Jessica
In Bill's room:
Lorena: [Pushing Barry against the door] Look dear, room service sent a gift for us.
Barry: No. No I don't do any...
Lorena takes Barry by his throat.
Lorena: Aaah... Heart's pounding. It's so much tastier. How considered of you.
Bill suddenly turns his head.
Bill: Sookie!
Lorena: [Looking annoyed] That bothersome human. Just like an alarm o'clock you can't switch off. Bla bla bla bla... and ten minutes later bla. [Softly touching Barry's throat] I give you first bite.
Bill: I am NOT hungry.
Lorena: Oh! Come now. As I recall, you appetite was always... insatiable. This human attitude for your girlfriend is charming and all but we both know better. [Turning to Barry] Don't we?
Barry: Please... I don't wanna die.
Bill: [Angry] Let him go!
Lorena: [Laughing] I will... soon.
Barry: No!
Lorena gets her fangs out and bites Barry, who's screaming.
Bill's looking away. She ends the biting part, looking oddly at Barry's throat.
Lorena: This one's different. I've never tasted... [Holding Barry's chin] What are you? [Sound of something being torn]
Lorena turns to see Bill throwing a TV in her face. She lands on the floor. Bill smashes her head with the TV and throws it away. He takes Barry with him and they leave the room.
In Hoyt and Jessica's room.
Hoyt and Jess are still making love.
Hoyt: ...okay? Are you okay? I'm not hurting you?
Jessica: No... Not anymore... Goodness shut up. Keep going.
Bill suddenly enters the room.
Jessica screams while Bill is embarrassed and looks away.
Hoyt: I... I don't know what you heard but... those were screams of pleasure. [To Jessica] Right?
Jessica: [Hiding her face with her hands] Oh my god...
Bill: If you truly care for her, you will take her to your car this very moment and drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun comes up.
Hoyt: Now?
Bill: Now!
Bill leaves.
Scene 3: Merlotte's - Lafayette, Tara, Eggs
Lafayette: [Putting down a tarot card] Lovers... Oh sh1t hooker...
Tara: What? Isn't the Lovers good?
Lafayette: Not for you. In this position it calls for a sacrifice in matters of the heart. You're going to have to make a choice.
Tara: But it might turn out well, right?
Lafayette: You wanna see your future?
A door is being opened, Lafayette is about to turn the card.
Eggs: Tara, help me.
The card is the Justice. Lafayette looks at Tara and then at Eggs.
Eggs: I need to, talk, to you.
Tara: Huh... y-yeah, sure.
Lafayette picks up his cards.
Lafayette: I'm gonna go and clean a grill or some... [Leaving the table].
Tara: [While Eggs is sitting where Lafayette was a moment ago] Say something, you're freaking me out.
Eggs: What time is it?
Tara: What...
Eggs: What TIME is it?
Tara: It's... ten past twelve. We just closed, why?
Eggs: Look...It happened again, I've lost the last couple of hours.
Tara: Are you sure?
Eggs: Yeah.
Tara: You don't remember anything?
Eggs: I mean, after I left you, I got in my car and, baby, next thing I know I'm over... past Parish Road and I'm over by the lake. And I wake up on the ground. It's freezing cold. And I don't even know how I got there. Tara, what the hell is wrong with me?
Tara: It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. Lafayette, you okay to close up?
Lafayette: Yeah... yeah y'all go on ahead.
Tara: Come on, let's get you home.
Tara and Eggs leave the Merlotte's.
Scene 4: FotS - Jason, a guy
Jason is coming back to the camp.
Guy: Hey hey, who are you?
Jason: It's okay. I'm with the fellowship. You gotta let me in.
Guy: Sorry bro, we're in lockdown. There's a vamper inside.
Jason: Yeah. That's why they sent for me. I'm a cadet with the light of day institute. Came strapped. [Pointing his ring] Honesty.
Guy: Dude, Honesty. Come on!
Jason: Let's move.
They enter the church.
Guy: Now, we got the vamper surrounded. He's got some having fangbanger chick with him. I'm gonna take you to Steve.
Jason: No. I go it.
Guy: No he needs you to... hey... Is that a paintball gun?
Jason: Uh oh... [Punching the guy with the paintball gun]. Yeah. It is.
Scene 5: Merlotte's- Sam, officer, lady on the phone
Back to Bon Temps.
Sam is sleeping in his car until the ringing of the phone. The phone call comes from the Merlotte's.
Sam: Who is this? [The other person hangs up].
Sam opens the door of the Merlotte's.
Sam: Hello?
He notices the light in the storeroom. He takes a look and finds Daphne lying against the wall, a bloody hole at the place where her heart should be.
Sam: Oh! Jesus Christ!
He gets out and looks for garbage's bags; he puts it on the bottom of Daphne's body and gets out. He calls for the police.
Lady on the phone: Renard Parish sheriff's department. What's your emergency?
Right after hearing a voice he sees the blue lights of the police's cars.
Officer: Sherrif's department. Anyone in there?
Lady on the phone: Is anyone there? This is the sherrif's department. May I help you? [Sam looks around, panicked]. Hello?
Scene 6: Sookie's House - Maryann
Maryann is singing while cooking. She starts cutting a heart and adds the pieces in the frying pan.
Scene 7: FotS - Eric, Steve, Bill, Sookie, Jason, Stan, Godric
Eric is groaning in pain, strapped to the altar with silver.
Steve: You see? Justice as our Lord our Savior was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!
Sookie: That doesn't make any sense. How can you people listen to him?
Eric: I... I offer myself in exchange for Godric's freedom. And the girl's as well.
Steve: That's noble. But she's just as culpable as you are. She's a traitor to her race. The human race. She hardly deserves our mercy. [To Eric] Maybe we should tie her to you so you can meet the sun together. [Walking toward Sookie] Hope this marshmallow will roast up nicely.
Everyone turns around when hearing the doors being opened.
Bill: Sookie!
She smiles while Bill's rushing over.
Steve: [Pointing a gun against Sookie] One more step, vampire, and the girl dies.
Bill: If you shoot her, everybody here will die! Let her go now.
Steve: [To Sookie, annoyed] Honestly, what do they see in you? [To the FotS members] Soldiers, some silver chains for our friend here.
Sookie: Don't, he's done nothing to you.
Bill: Sookie, I'll be fine.
Jason: NEWLIN!
He shots Steve's hand, the gun falls down.
Jason: Let her go, fuckwad.
Jason who shots in Steve's head. (Green shot)
Steve: AH... AOUH!
Bill rushes and kicks down the guys holding Sookie. Meanwhile Jason is being assaulted by 2 members of the FotS.
Steve: Son of a bitch! [Still groaning in pain]
Sookie goes to Eric, to help him.
Bill: Sookie!
She takes off the silver chains.
Sookie: Let's go!
Eric goes straight away to Steve, takes him by the throat and pushes him down.
Sookie: Do not kill him!
Jason: KILL HIM! Kill the m*therf*cker!
Steve: Go ahead. Murder us. Murder us before God. We are willing to die.
All the members look at him, shocked.
A bunch of vampires enter the room.
Stan: Steve Newlin! You have pushed us too far. You expect us to sit on our thumbs while you round up your men to come lynch us? We'll kill you first. Same way we did your father.
Sookie: Oh God no...
Steve: [Screaming out of anger] Murderer!
Stan: Destroy them. All of them.
Stan gets his fangs out and all the vampires zoom through the room ready to kill.
Sookie: Bill, Eric stop them!
Bill: We have to go now!
Godric: Enough!
Everyone stops.
Godric: [Standing in the hall] You came for me I assume. Underling.
Stan: Yes sheriff.
Godric: These people have not harmed me. You see ? We can coexist. Mr. Newlin, I do not wish to create bloodshed when none is called for. Help me set an example. If we leave you in peace, will you do the same?
Steve: I will not negotiate with subhumans! Kill me.
Woman: No!
Steve: Do it. Jesus will protect me.
Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it. [To the FotS Members] Good people, who of you is willing to die for this man's madness? [The room remains silent] That's what I thought. Stand down, everyone. People, go home. It's over now.
Sookie: Oh thank god, Bill.
Bill: It's all right, you're safe now. You're safe.
Steve: Please don't leave me.
Godric: [To Steve] I daresay my faith in humankind is stronger than yours. Come.
Stan: Sir. After what these humans have done to you. Has it. Come.
Eric: [To Sookie] Are you sure you're okay?
Bill: [Angry] She's fine! Go with your maker.
Jason: Sookie... Sook... come here [Holding her]. Ah I'm so sorry. Can you please forgive me?
Sookie: What were you doing with those people? Are you out of your mind?
Jason: Yeah I was. Just [Looking at Steve] that son of a bitch, it's like he sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there.
Steve: You know nothing. On the final day of reckoning, we'll see who goes to Heaven, and who goes to Hell.
Jason: [Smiling, almost laughing] I reckon I've already been to Heaven. It was inside your wife. [Punches Steve].
Bill goes to Jason.
Sookie: Jason, come on!
Bill pushes Jason away from Steve.
Sookie: Come on!
Jason: Take your ring! Honesty my ass, shityhead. White suit motherfu... Go home preaching ...
They leave.
Scene 8: Merlotte's - Bud, Sam, Kenya, Andy
Bud: Come on Sam, we can't tell you that. That's why it's called an anonymous tip. We can't tell you who phoned it in.
Sam: They wanted you to find me! Why would I keep a body in my own refrigerator? It... It was a woman's voice?
Bud: Sam!
Kenya: There's a rumor saying you were having a relationship with the deceased, is that true?
Sam: Yeah.
Kenya: And you don't seem too beat up about it.
Sam: I guess we kind of broke up.
Kenya: Were you angry?
Bud: That must leave some hurt feelings.
Sam: Listen, y'all have to trust me. This is bigger and crazier than you can even imagine.
Kenya: I'll say... This is the second time in 2 weeks a woman's been found in your bar with her heart missing.
Bud: And the third time a waitresses of yours has ended up dead.
Sam: Oh Come on! That was Rene Lenier! You can't use that against me! Come on Bud, Kenya, listen to yourselves. You know me.
Bud: I'm not sure we do. You got no birth records, no social security number; we can't even find where you went to High School.
Sam: It's hard to explain.
Bud: Save it son. Nothing about your past ever checks out. Won't you just tell us what happened tonight?
Andy: What the... Oh oh! Hold up, Bud. You don't think it's Sam, do you?
Kenya: Let me get him.
Bud: Hold on Kenya. [To Andy] You're on suspension. How did you hear about this?
Andy: Still got my radio. I'm not here as a cop okay, I'm a witness. You have the wrong guy.
Bud: What?
Andy: Sam's not the one you want, he's the victim. I saw him nearly get killed last night.
Bud: By who?
Andy: The bull!
Kenya: The what?
Bud: Oh, Andy. He thinks he saw some kind of bull.
Andy: With claws. A bull... in a dress... with claws [Mimicking the claws].
Bud: Ok Andy. You're babbling again...
Kenya: I could shut him up.
Andy: And your vic, the victim down there, she's part of this whole group of crazy people who was trying to get him [Pointing Sam]. I tried to fight them all but... [Showing his arm] War wound. I'm corroborating here, Sam. Tell them, help me.
Sam: If I told you that's what happened, would you believe me?
Kenya and Bud looks at Andy.
Andy: Oh, sh1t!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 9: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann
Tara: [To Eggs] But you're not the only one. I blacked out last night, Arlene blacked out. Maybe there's some kind of gas leak or something.
Eggs: But what about Andy Bellefleur. He... he said he saw all of us.
Tara: Andy is the only one we know that is out of his mind.
Eggs: Tara, I had this sick feeling I did some real bad.
Maryann: Knock knock. Hope I'm not interrupting.
Eggs: No, just trying to piece together everything we've been doing in the past couple of days.
Maryann: Hum... sounds like somebody's been enjoying himself a bit too much. Tell you what! Why don't ease up on the parties, for a little while? Take it easy. Hey! Snack's ready.
They go to the kitchen.
Maryann: Ho ho... Hope you're hungry.
Tara: Oh my god! That looks amazing, what is it?
Maryann: Hunter's soufflé.
Eggs: I didn't know hunters make soufflés.
Maryann: Most don't. Dig in.
Tara digs in the soufflé which "red sauce" is flowing over. Eggs gives Tara a bite.
Tara: Wow yeah! What is in that? Is that the rabbit you caught?
Maryann: [Smiling] Among other things.
Tara licks her hand.
Tara: [To Eggs] You have got to try this.
Eggs: Hmm. Oh my god.
Maryann laughs. Tara and Eggs keep eating.
Scene 10: At Godric's Party - Stan, Jason, a woman, Godric, Eric, Bill, Sookie
Woman: [To Godric] Thank you sir.
Stan: Welcome home sheriff. We are all very relieved. [Godric nods]
Jason: I just want to say I'm real sorryfort what the fellowship put you through.
Godric: You helped save many lives today, Mr. Stackhouse. Please know you have friends in this area whenever you visit.
Jason: Thanks man but I don't know if I'll be wanting to come back any time soon.
Jason leaves and meets Eric.
Eric: Hail the conquering hero.
Jason: Oh no. I'm no hero.
Eric: Well you are in this town. But in my area, we know you well as a buyer and user of vampire blood. And that's a very grave offense.
Jason: Yeah, listen, I don't do that anymore.
Eric: All things considered however, we'll call it even. But you won't be doing it again.
Jason: Yes... no, no... got it!
Eric: Good boy. Run along.
Jason leaves... Eric smiles.
Sookie: [To Isabel] Thanks this is great. [To Bill] You've avoided being alone with me all night.
Bill: Nonsense. With all this commotion there's hardly been time...
Sookie: Bill. I was in that basement for 2 days, you don't even wanna know what almost happened to me down there. Where were you?
Bill: Sookie it's...
Sookie: "It's complicated" is not an answer. Every time I've need you, you've... always come running even in broad daylight. What kept you?
Bill: hum... I was held.
Sookie: Held? Like kidnapped? By who? By Eric?
Eric: Hmmm heard my name... I hope you were speaking well of me.
Sookie: Why should I? You let me walk into a trap.
Eric: I regret that. If I had known it was possible...
Sookie: You did know. But because it was Godric, you'd risk anything.
Eric: The bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than you can imagine. Perhaps one day you'll find out.
Bill glares at Eric. Sookie looks at Bill, then Eric, and the last one looks at Bill while smiling.
Scene 11: Compton House - Hoyt, Jessica
Jessica and Hoyt enter the house, kissing deeply.
Hoyt: [Laughing] Wow wow wow...
Jessica: [Laughing] What's the matter? What, you don't love me anymore?
Hoyt: I just don't think... Bill might not like us doing this stuff in his house.
Jessica: He'll never know. Come on, you drove so fast, I know you want to again. Besides, we got two hours before dawn. I can't believe I waited so long. We are gonna do it every single night whether you want to or not. You still want to, don't you?
Hoyt: Well, sure, yeah. It's just that Sookie and Bill might come in any minute.
Jessica: We got the house to ourselves. I promise. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Make love to me again. Please. Do me. Now. (They begin to make love) Wait, stop, stop.
Hoyt: Sorry. What happened?
Jessica: I don't know. It just... I mean, it's felt like...
Hoyt: Is that blood again?
Jessica: Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no.
Hoyt: What, Jessica, what?
Jessica: It grew back.
Hoyt: It? What?
Jessica: My... it f*cking grew back. I should have known. I mean, everything heals when you're a goddamn vampire.
Hoyt: Okay, come on. Come on. It's gonna be beautiful. Every time will be like our first time.
Jessica: It'll hurt like hell. I'm a f*cking deformity of nature. I'm gonna be a virgin forever.
Scene 12: At Godric's party - Godric, Eric, Sookie, Bill, Isabel, Hugo, Jason, Stan
Eric (to Bill): I don't like being touched.
Bill: Believe me, I do not like touching you. Your contact with Sookie will cease from this moment.
Eric: That's hardly your decision.
Bill: Calling in my maker because you couldn't win Sookie for yourself is feeble and desperate even for you.
Eric: Are you picking a fight? I'd like to see you try.
Bill: She will never be yours. And there is nothing you can do. In this you are powerless. Accept it.
Isabel comes in with Hugo. She brings him to Godric.
Isabel: This is the one who betrayed us.
Godric: Hugo. He's your human, is he not?
Isabel: Yes, he is.
Godric: Do you love him?
Isabel: I... I thought I did.
Godric: It appears you love him still.
Isabel: I do. I'm sorry. But you are my sheriff. Do with him as you please.
Godric: You are free to go.
Stan: What?
Godric: The human is free to go. And do not return. I fear it is not safe for you here.
Stan: This is a travesty.
Godric: This is my verdict. Eric, escort them out. Make sure he leaves unharmed.
Eric: Yes Godric.
Isabel: Thank you. Thank you, sheriff.
Sookie: What was that about?
Bill: Godric is sheriff and he has the authority to...
Sookie: I mean, with Eric. Why are you talking to him if he kidnapped you?
Bill: It wasn't Eric.
Sookie: Then who was it?
Jason: Mister Compton. Hey Sook. Is there some place we can talk in private?
Sookie: Jason, this really isn't the time...
Jason: Look, if I don't say this now, I never will. Look, please, it'll only take a minute.
Bill: Let's go out back.
Jason: Thanks.
Scene 13: In Jail - Bud, Kenya, Sam, Jane, Mike
Sam: I know everyone says it but I'm really not the guy you want.
Bud: If it's like you said, that there's something out there that's fixing to get you, then jail's just about the safest place to spend the night. Now, come on.
Jane: Hey, Sam. Join the party.
Sam: What the f...?
Jane: I'd come down and give you a hug, but I lost my pants.
Kenya: Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Must be a full moon.
Sam: Pretty sure it's not. Mike? What'd they arrest you for?
Mike: Sodomy.
Sam: What?
Mike: Yea, they say I... I sodomized a pine tree.
Sam: What'd you do that for?
Mike: I don't know. Must have blacked out, but it's true. My pecker's got all kinds of scratches on.
Jane: Don't worry, Mikey. It'll heal.
Mike: What are you in for? Worse than me?
Bud: Leave him alone, Mike.
Mike: Sam?
Scene 14: Godric's party - Bill, Jason, Eric, Godric
Bill: What is it?
Jason: I need you to forgive me.
Bill: What?
Jason: You love my sister, and... there ain't no reason why you shouldn't be able to. All this time, I let my own stupid ignorance stand in the way.
Bill: Thank you. But I am also in your debt for helping rescue Sookie.
Jason: After all I did to f*ck everything up, that's the least I can do. I'm just sorry it took me so long to wake up to it.
Bill: Well, you did. Just in time.
Jason hugs Bill.
Jason: Well, was that okay for you?
Bill: It was fine.
In the house:
Eric: Hugo's been dispatched. I told him not t stop driving until he reaches the Mexican border. I've arranged for and AB-negative human for you. Extremely rare.
Godric: Thank you. I'm not hungry.
Eric: You have to feed eventually. I doubt the Fellowship had anything to offer. Why wouldn't you leave when I first came for you?
Godric: They didn't treat me badly. You'd be shocked at how ordinary most of them are.
Eric: They do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for us.
Godric: Let's be honest. We are frightening. After thousands of years, we haven't evolved. We've only grown more brutal, more predatory. I don't see the danger in treating humans as equals. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we never did so.
Eric: Is that why you wouldn't fight when they took you?
Godric: I could have killed every last of them within minutes. And what would that have proven?
Scene 15: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann
Tara: Oh, my God. I inhaled that fucker. You know what? I didn't think it was possible, but this is better than her pie.
Eggs: Way better.
Maryann listens to them.
Tara: I gotta learn how to cook.
Eggs: You know, I feel like a superhero. I mean...
Tara: You look like one.
Eggs: Yeah? How about now? I mean, I feel invincible, you know? Like nobody could even hurt me.
Tara: Yeah? I hate you. I f*cking hate your guts.
Eggs: You f*cking bitch. I fucjing hate you too. You're not even trying, are you?
Tara slaps Eggs.
Eggs: More.
She slaps him again.
Eggs: Is that all you got? I mean...
She kicks him.
Eggs (he has black eyes): Now, that feels so f*cking good.
He slaps her.
Tara: Dams, boy. Do it again.
He slaps her again. Her eyes are now black like his.
Tara: f*ck, I want you so bad.
They make love on the floor.
Scene 16: At the Party - Sookie, Lorena
Someone parks outside and goes through the house. Lorena arrives at the party. She goes through Sookie.
Sookie: That's great. Me too.
Lorena: Hello, there. I'm Lorena.
Sookie: Nice to meet you. I'm Sookie.
Lorena: Yes. You are what all the fuss is about.
Sookie: Excuse me?
Lorena: Aren't you a morsel.
Sookie: I'm sorry. Who are you?
Lorena: Well, we have a mutual friend.
Sookie: Bill?
Lorena: That's right. Funny he never mentioned me. I practically made him what he is today.
Bill is arriving.
Bill: Lorena.
Lorena: Oh, hello, darling. I was just getting to know your plaything. You always did like to prey on the innocent.
Sookie: Bill, is this your maker?
Bill: She released me years ago. She no longer has any hold over me.
Lorena: I wouldn't say that. We had two marvelous nights in your hotel room.
Sookie: What?
Lorena: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52-inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, it's quite a weapon.
Sookie (to Bill): You did?
Bill (to Lorena): Lorena, you need to leave.
Lorena: I hope he doesn't pull the same shenanigans with you. There's no excuse for domestic violence.
Bill: What she has failed to mention is that she was holding me prisoner.
Lorena: Pshaw. We were just catching up is all. You must have been worried sick, wondering where he was. I admit it. It got a bit heated. But you know how old lovers can get sometimes.
Sookie: Do not touch him.
Lorena: My, we're feisty too. You're no more than a blood bag. You cannot win this.
Sookie: I've already won. Bill chose me. And yet you still won't give up. Don't you have any shame?
Bill: Sookie, stop.
Lorena: I'd listen to him. Run away, little girl. William and I love each other.
Bill: You've gone mad. Now get out now.
Sookie: Maybe you do love him. Who am I to guess? But he doesn't love you. He never has, and that we both know.
Lorena: Take those words back or they shall be your last.
Bill: We're leaving!
Sookie: Go find someone else, you f*cking bitch! You've lost this one!
Lorena is about to bite Sookie when Godric stops her.
Godric: Retract... your... fangs. Now. I neither know nor care who you are. But in this area and certainly in this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand?
Lorena: Yes, sheriff.
Godric: This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind. And yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us.
Lorena: She provoked me.
Godric: And you provoked me. You disrupted the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig. Yet I haven't. Now, why is that?
Lorena: It's... your choice.
Godric: Indeed it is. You're an old vampire. I can tell. You've had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven't. you are still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists. (To Bill) You. You seem to know her.
Bill: Yes, sheriff.
Godric: Escort her from the nest.
Sookie: Go ahead, I'm fine. I wish you out of my area before dawn.
Bill and Lorena are outside.
Lorena crying: I don't know how it got this way. I can't help it that I still love you. You know I do. But now it's become nothing but a constant humiliation.
Bill: The pain that you suffer you've inflicted upon yourself.
Lorena: When will we see each other again?
Bill: Never.
Lorena: We're immortal. Our paths are bound to cross eventually.
Back inside:
A vampire (to Stan): I have him by the neck, shaking...
Jason (to a girl): But... and funny you say that because...
The man arrives at the party; it's Luke.
Jason: Luke? What the f*ck, man?
Jason goes through Luke.
Luke: Stay away from me, Stackhouse. Got nothing to say to you.
Jason: What the hell you doing?
Luke: Just go. (He speaks loud) Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention. My name is Luke McDonald. I'm a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. And I have a message for you all from Reverend Steve Newlin.
He opens his jacket; there's a bomb and chains around him. He presses on the button.


Is this on?
(Beeps)
Well, it's been a month since my last Val vlog.
(Beeps)
Was this going the whole time?
(Beeps)
Well, it's been a month since my last Val vlog, and I have some really big news. But first, I just want to give a shout-out to my subscriber who said, "I love it when you do impressions." (Laughs) Well... (Mimics Edith bunker) I have very big news that I'm very excited to tell you about. (Giggles) That's my Edith Bunker. Played by the wonderful... (Beeps) Jean Stapleton! Okay. (Beeps) I should get to my news. Uh... I've been cast in an HBO show.
Mark: Why are you telling people you're... Ugh, God. Mark, I thought you left. Why are you sneaking up? Well, I'm not sneaking up. I came to get something. And why are you telling people that you're doing that show? We talked about that. Well, okay, to be fair... Okay, you said, "no effing way" and left the room. I was trying to have a safe discussion and you left the listening circle. Oh, is that what I did? Yeah. Okay. I'm listening. Tell me again why you'd ever want to do that show. It's HBO, Mark. I'll be an actress on an HBO show. Do another HBO show. Okay, I'll just put my name on the sign-up sheet for that. Okay, now it sounds like you're not listening. Okay. All right. Listen, I hear that, okay? I hear that. So you go. Okay. I'm expressing concern that... You're doing something that's a not-so-flattering version of yourself, written by a drug-addicted... Okay. Asshole, who's just gonna... Yeah. Okay. Right. I'll go. First of all, I'm not playing me. HBO was very clear about that.
Okay, and B: Paulie's different now, okay? He's been through rehab. Val... Twice. Two rehabs. People don't change. Ooh. Okay. You just got me. What was that? It's oatmeal. It's really in there. Steel-cut? That's okay. And he cast me, okay? Paulie cast me in it. So he has changed, Mark. All right? Mark, please, it's HBO, okay? They do all those award-wining shows, right? Like "Mad Men." Is that HBO? Well, they're always smoking on it. I just thought... Oh, no, you're right. You're right. That's A&E. Yeah. So... Well, they have "Game of Thrones." You like that one, right? You always fall asleep to that one. Yeah, that's good. Right. Well, here we are at HBO. (Chuckles) New member of the family. (Gasps) Okay, look at this. Oh, "s*x and the City." Started it all. Guess I'm one of the girls now, huh? Oh, all right. Here we go. "The Sopranos." Started it all... In a different way, you know. Don't know that one, actually. No. I don't know it. Oh, and then... "New Girls," huh? Now, this one, she's real special. That, um, Lela Durham. I think it's Lena Dunham. Well, I don't... There, that... no, I'm right. Lena, yeah. Really excited to see this one. Can't wait for that.
Man: Valerie? Huh? Oh. Hi. We're ready for you. Okay. Take my purse.
Mickey: Mm-hmm. Thanks. Okay, here we are. Okay. Yeah, probably a six... I gotta go. Hi. Hello, hello, hello. Pretty office. So pretty. Smells pretty too. (All laugh) Oh, thanks. Oh, yeah, they're with me. Oh. Right. Yeah. Valerie, it's great to see you. Uh-huh, you too. Okay, great. Thanks, so... Valerie, this is Rada. Hi. Current programing. Hi. Okay. Yeah. Such a pretty name.
Rada: Thank you.
Woman: You know Connor and James? Sure do. Yeah.
Val: Wow, gang's all here, huh? Right, 'cause you said you wanted to see us all. Uh, is there a problem? No. Oh, no. Everything's fine. Great. Yeah. No, I just... I had a couple questions. No, first, just about the film crew... you need to move over a little bit.
Val: So... Yeah, we should talk about that. What's this for? Well, this is... oh, this is just, you know, BTS footage.
You know, it's BTS: Behind the scenes. And I just thought, you know, if you want it, you could have BTS for SR.
Sr: "Seeing Red." (Clattering) Oh, watch the blinds, Ivan. (Under her breath) Do better.
(Laughing)
Maybe we could use it for web content, social media...
Val: Oh. Yeah, 'cause these kids have been following me around everywhere.
Val: And the great thing is, they're cheap. You know? So it won't cost you much. And I just think it's real important to support young people getting a leg up in the business. Yeah, we'd have to use a union crew. Yeah, then they're gone. (Laughs)
Val: They're going back to school. Oh. You know, so everybody wins. Okay!
Val: Great. Okay. Um, can I ask you something about the schedule?
Connor: Hold that thought. Holding.
(Laughing)
When you had your show, "The Comeback," which I loved, you had a really great producer. Who was that? Oh, from "The Comeback"? Jane.
Connor: Jane who? Um, Jane... Uh, Jane Jane.
Woman: Jane Benson. That sounds right. Yeah. No, I've worked with her. Oh, okay. Well, then let's get her. Or I'll get her, 'cause I know her. Jane Benson, yeah. Yeah. Great. Okay. Okay. Good.
James: Wait, you wanted to say something about the schedule also? Yes, I did. Thank you.
(Clattering)
Val: Just... sorry. (Laughs)
Ivan. (Chuckling) Need a union crew.
(All laughing)
Val: But they're great. They've been learning.
Um... I did want to talk to you about... yeah, it's all just happening so fast. You know, want to get my ducks in a row. You know, so I was wondering when do we start? What, like, six weeks? No, we're starting next week. Oh, we moved it up. We wanted to get these on air for spring. Okay. That's fast. I just wanted time to... You know... Prepare. Prepare what? Prepare... Well, prepare. (Emphatically) Prepare. Oh, no. You don't need anything. Well... okay. Oh, no, no, no. You don't need to do anything. You are perfect. Thank you. You're perfect too.
(All chuckling)
We need to see what we saw in the audition. You're one of the few actresses who still looks real. Uh-huh.
James: That's why we hired you. Oh. Okay. Right. Doctor, I only got a week to heal, so what can we do? Oh. Valerie. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't talking to anybody. Um, forgot. We would like to invite you to see the Golden Globes next week. Oh, okay. You're part of the HBO family now. Aw. We'll see you then. We throw an amazing after-party. Yeah. Yeah. I am so excited about this. I loved "The Comeback" and "I'm It." Oh, thank you! Yeah, I saw it at the museum of broadcasting.
Val: Uh-huh. Okay. That means it's a classic. That's nice. That's in Beverly Hills. Right. Yeah. Across from the... Nate 'n Al's. Yeah. Mickey, please tell me you're still in touch with Jane.
Val: Okay, there's nothing. All green, and I know we're not at a golf course. This trip to "Jane-ville" is a long way to go. That email looked like a definite no to me, Red. Well, no such thing as a definite no, okay? What's the name of that road again? Oh... It's, uh... 4325 Yasidro Sage road. And I know this is her current address because I didn't get my Christmas newsletter back. Okay, we're nowhere. Oh, so many people are dead. Didn't that sign back there say that? All right, I need to pay attention. Didn't realize I'm gonna have to leave bread crumbs.
(Chuckles)
Oh.
Mickey: I think you made a wrong turn, hon.
(Dog barking)
Mickey: Oh, there it is.
Val: I don't want to hit the dogs.
Aw, look at this.
(Barking continues)
(Goat bleating)
Val: Wow.
Look at where we are. Jeez, the sun. Where's my sombrero? Oh, you wanna get it? Yeah. I'm gonna need it. My face will look like little orphan Annie.
Val: Uh-huh. Oh, look! Horses!
Val: Yeah, I saw them. Yeah.
Mickey: What's wrong with that one's leg? It's bandaged. Oh, yeah. Supposed to shoot them, right? "They shoot horses, don't they?" That movie...
Ivan: No. You should Netflix it. Yeah. Okay.
(Horse whinnies)
Oh! (Val laughs) Jane, Jane. Sound familiar? (Val laughs) Oh my God.
Jane: Valerie! I thought, "who is this?" And then I saw the cameras and I knew it was you. You never give up. Well, you do. You're really off the grid here, huh? Well, I'm not really off the grid. If I was, I wouldn't have gotten your email about the Paulie G. thing. Oh, yeah. Okay.
(Chuckles)
Val: All right, okay. Yeah.
Come in. Thank you. Yeah. Come on. Yeah.
(Dog growls)
(Loud clattering)
Oh, look out. Watch it. Bust up the joint. Don't worry about that. Here, let me fix that for you, Jane. Oops. Yeah, it's... okay. Okay. Go ahead.
Jane: Hey, Mickey.
Mickey: Hey, sweetie.
(Jane sighs)
Val: Oh, wow.
Val: This is nice.
Mickey: Oh my goodness.
You own this? Yeah.
Val: Aww. Wow, good for you. ♪ Looks like we made it. ♪ (Laughs) Neil Diamond. So good. I think it's Barry Manilow. Huh? I get it... I get it, Jane. I get it. Get why you live all the way out here, away from everything. You know, good for you. Yeah. So, Valerie... Um, thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not interested. So...
Jane: Would you guys like some tea? Sure. Yeah, while we talk? Yeah, let's talk about it. All right. I make a mean tea. Whoa, careful there.
Jane: All right. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Watch it. You gotta be careful, Ivan. Sorry.
(Chuckling)
Val: See why I need you?
Val: So, um, Jane, I know you said you weren't interested in doing a reality show again.
Um, thank you. But you know what, this is HBO, and they asked for you, okay? They know who you are. Yeah, I met with someone there when I was trying to get distribution for my documentary. Well, okay. Now maybe they'll revisit distri-buting it. Okay? Get people to see it. Who knows what can happen? Yeah. Actually, yeah, some people did see it and then that happened.
Val: Is that an Oscar? Is it real? Can I pick it up? (Jane chuckles) Yeah. (Val gasps) Yeah? Oh my. Ooh. Oh.
Okay. Wow. "Best documentary short: The Hidden Women of Treblinka." What is that? Uh, it's about lesbians in the holocaust. Oh. Important. Yeah. 'Cause it got you this. Wow, so, "Jane Benson and Joanne Meyer"? Yeah, Joan. That's my ex. Oh! Oh. I didn't know you were... what, that I was Jewish or a lesbian? Well, both, you know. Double whammy. Well, nice to meet you, Jane Benson: Jewish lesbian with an Oscar. Good for you. Good for you.
(Sighs)
Wow. Doesn't mean anything. "Doesn't mean anything"? (Laughs) It's an Oscar! Ooh, and I made banana bread. Oh. I don't eat that, but... I'll have some. Tyler, make sure that you get me with the Oscar. You know what, Mickey? Here. Will you take a picture of me with the Oscar? Just wanna make sure. I want it on my phone. Yeah. Take another one for safety. And another one. Another one. Just one more. (Mickey laughs) Jane, taking pictures with your Oscar. I know, I'm right in the room. Oh. (Laughs) Couldn't see you, I was blinded by the gold. (Laughs) Oh, wow. Look at that. Makes a good doorstop...
Val: Doorstop. (Laughs) 'cause it doesn't matter. "It doesn't matter"?
Jane: I still had trouble raising money for my next one. Oh. I have an unfinished movie about the Taiwanese boat women in my barn. Nobody even wants to know about it. Well, maybe HBO wants to know about it. Right? Oh, no can do. I'm a lightweight. Mickey? Oh, hello! Mm, that's right. Well... Oooh. Yeah, oh, no. Uh-uh. Sorry. Nope, not 21. You just work the camera, okay? I'm 25. Well, okay, I don't want the other kids to feel bad. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. Is this butter? It's goat butter. Is that a thing? Yeah. The horses like the goats. You need to... okay. Come up. Aww.
Jane: That way. There you go. Yeah. They're rescue horses. They're, like, traumatized when they come in, and the goats are, like, entry-level. So the horses get comfortable with the goats, and then they get comfortable with people, and so that's goat butter. Do you have anything in a pump or a spray? Mickey... trying to talk business with Jane. (Giggles) So, Jane, seriously, how 'bout it?
(Sighs)
Nothing? You're not gonna say anything? You were so uptight around Paulie. Uptight? I-I was... I wasn't uptight. Oh, were you just trying to get me to smoke that? Oh, fine. I will. I'll do it. I'll do it. You know why? Because I'm not uptight. See? (Coughs) I'm not uptight at all, I'm... you know what? Paulie's changed. This is good stuff. (Laughs) It is. It is. You know, I don't know, Jane. (Teakettle whistling) Did you know... That he was, um... (Inhales) Doing heroin? When we were shooting "room and bored." Yeah. I saw him shoot up once. You did? You didn't say anything. It wasn't about him. That's right. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I'm hogging the bogart. Mm, I forgot how good butter tastes. I feel bad enough about what I did to you on camera the first time.
Val: Well, I'm fine. I'm fine. You were just doing your job, you know. And you're good at your job, Jane, that's why everybody wants you. I'm sorry. I just don't see the point of it all.
Val: Oh. Okay. Well, all right. You don't see the point in anything. But, you know, um... How about people? Do people count? You know? I need you. I mean, I'm not a lesbian, and I'm not a Taiwanese boat person, but I need you. I need to feed the horses. Okay. That's... all right. I get it. So... I give up. We'll go.
Jane: Oops. Wait a sec, I got it. All right.
Val: Oop.
Mickey: Hup hup. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Oh, well, that's... thanks for talking to me. Are those the... is that the... those are the rescue horses? They're just so beautiful, you know. Just think of how many more you could rescue with the money that you'd make doing the show.
(Dog barks)
Did you answer and I missed it? No. Okay. Well, all right. I give up. That's okay. (Giggles) Okay. Oh, is that the barn? Is that where you have the... Taiwanese boat ladies that you can't finish because you don't have the money? Is that where that is? All right, you're making me feel bad. Well, look... I mean, I'm sorry, but I just... all I hear you say is that, you know, "I don't have money to do the things that I really want to do," and I'm here offering you money to do those things and a do-over with me. Right? So...
(Goat bleats)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mr. Mark. Hello, Jane. Valerie?-
Val: Mm-hmm? You have company.
Val: Oh? Okay. Yeah.
Mark: W-why are they here? I thought this was going to be different than "The Comeback." It's completely different, Mark. This is about an actress on a TV show. They're just here to pick me up. Hi. Come on in. Hi, Jane. Where is she?
Val: Oh, hi. Hi, hon. Hi, Tyler. Say hi to your Uncle. See? Kept him on the crew, and not just for me, it's a big deal for him too. Hey, Tyler. Learning a lot?
Val: Well, of course he is. You know, Jane has an Oscar. Good. I don't want to be on this. Okay. Message received. Okay? (Laughs) He's so cute. Silly Mark. You're so cute. You're so cute.
(Chuckles)
Hi. What's that? Oh, hi.
Jane: Yeah, that's Nail.
Val: Nail? Yeah. Hi.
Jane: And hawk and chip.
Val: I got it.
Jane: Over there.
Val: Hawk. Chip.
Jane: Yeah, I got it. I got it.
Val: Thank you. Yeah. Sorry. That's nice of you, but... (Jane laughs) ... Jane should do my mic.
Val: Oh! Okay. I almost forgot the big news. Um... You know how you and I have been talking about how we wanna try having date night more? Okay. Well, you and I are going to the Golden Globes. What? Uh-huh. That's cool. (Laughs) That's a smile. Just me and you? Just me and you, and Mickey, and Billy, and... You know. Yeah. Just get your tux ready. Yeah. (Laughs) I actually gasped. (Laughing) That's real. Jane, we're not gonna see that, are we?
Jane: What? Me gasping. Well, she's not gonna use anything she doesn't need. Well, what does that mean? It means I'm late for the stylist, okay? They just came to pick me up, but then you started a conversation. I didn't start a conversation. So, let's go everyone. (Cellphone ringing) Oh, forgot my phone. Well, that could have been bad. Who's Dr. Jadra? Oh, um, that's not important. I can just call him back. (Ringing continues) I can call him back. Isn't he the guy... Yeah. You know, I'm just gonna... Get a little Botox. You know, everyone in Beverly Hills gets a little Botox.
Mark: All right. All right. Did you forget what happened the last time? With the fillers and the Botox and the... well, yeah. I was... I wanted to get surgery, 'cause it's safer, you know, but I only have a week... All right. You want to see what happens? So I'm just gonna do this. What are you doing? Oh, no! Okay. No, no, no. No, that's not... oh, no! Jane, this... no, this is what happens with fillers. Okay. No. That's all right. I got it. Come on. Thank you. That's not necessary, Mark. Either you want to be on camera or you don't want to be on camera. You guys ready? He's filming his reality show, so that's happening. I know that show. Okay. Oh, no. This one only airs in China. China, smart. Yeah. Okay, everybody. Here we go.
Val: Okay.
Val: There he is.
(Val laughs)
Brad Goreski. Hello, Valerie Cherish. Hi. How are you? Goo... oops. All righty. Can't operate cars either. Mickey, don't.
(Whispers)
Yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. I got it. Um, should we try it again? Sure, yeah. Okay. In five, six, seven, eight...
(Laughing)
(Val laughing) Right? Brad Goreski! Hello, Valerie Cherish!
(Speaking Chinese)
Who is this? Oh, this is Valerie Cherish. Nice to meet you. I'm Brad's assistant. Oh.
Val: Yeah. Okay. (Laughs) I didn't... I didn't know. Let's take a look at the rack. That one, not this one. (Chuckles) Cute. Comedy doesn't translate. I think this would look really pretty with your hair. Uh-huh. You have to try this. Uh-huh. That's... it's a lot of feathers. Um, it's just not me, I don't think. Yeah, but you know what I love about this one is that it's so modern, and I'd love to see you in something modern for a change. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great. Try that. Thank you. Okay. All right. (Softly) Even though I'd never wear it in a million years. It's a goodie.
(Woman laughing)
Val: No.
Val: Oh, no.
Val: No.
Let's see it, Val.
Val: Oh. Um... No, I don't... it's not right. You know, it's... no. No. Not me. Well, come on out.
Val: Um, I'm good in here. You know.
Val: I don't think... oh. Oh, I like it. Well, I... no. Yeah, I think it's worth seeing. It... you know what? Let's just move along, okay? 'Cause it's just... it's not me. Yeah, I know. You don't have to wear it to the Golden Globes, Val. We just need to see you in a couple of looks for this. You know the drill, you had a reality show. Yeah. Yeah. Just for fun. Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna have fun. Okay. Sure. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Here I come. Great. Okay. Well... This one's fun, huh? Look at that. (Laughs) Isn't that something?
Brad: I love the idea. But it's not you. Well, yeah. That's what I said in there. You know, but... Look like I fell asleep in a bird sanctuary. Huh? Who's my prom date? Big bird? (Laughs) Okay. Try another one. Which... what's next, Brad? Actually, I have one that I'd love for you to see. It's a-mazing.
Val: Is it normal?
Val: That's pretty. Yeah, that will be fun.
(Gasps)
Somebody say, "Golden Globes"?
(Doorbell rings)
Housekeeper: Oh! Look at Mr. Mike!
Hats off. Here we come. Those beautiful girls!
(Val laughs)
Uh, limo's here. Well, here we are, four on the town. Got the tickets, Mark? Yes, I do. Okay. Let's go.
Jane: How are we getting in? Huh?
Jane: How are you going to get us in? Oh, well, they don't need tickets, right? They're press. Everybody needs a ticket.
Housekeeper: Uh-oh.
(Chattering, cameras flashing)
Mark: Wow.
You know, Billy was pretty upset. Well, Billy's a publicist, and he should understand. What about Mickey, just rolling with it, huh? You were so cute though, telling him. I'll go this time, Mickey. You go next. Oh, I don't know. I felt bad. No, don't. Don't. You're my man, okay? You're my husband, my everything, and you got to come. Gotta have you, and Jane and the crew. May I see your tickets, please?
Val: Oh. Uh, yes. Omar, could you take them to suite 806. Have a nice evening. What's 806? What is that? A viewing party. I'm sorry, the awards are in there. Where are we going? To a viewing party in one of the suites. Right that way, ma'am. Well, we're guests of HBO. The HBO party is downstairs after. Oh, no. See, Val, it says, "viewing suite" right there. No, but I... what? Okay. I didn't see that, Mark. I didn't know. Well, I mean, we can still see it, right? Yeah. Yeah, in the viewing suite. Let's see who else is in there. It could be fun. Okay, thank you. Okay. This is it. Okay. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm ready. All right. Ta-da. Okay.
(Indistinct chatter)
Wow. Pretty.
(Women speaking Russian)
Well... Who are these people?
(Speaking Russian)
Val: I don't know.
Val: Guests of HBO, I guess.
Are they speaking Russian? Is that what that is? Yeah, probably. They look like Russian whores. And how would you know that? Huh? (Laughs) I think they are. Well, I need a drink. I'm gonna get you a drink, okay? I just saw Paulie G. so I should probably say hi.
Mark: Okay.
Val: Right? Well, I don't have to say hi to him, do I? Well, why don't I get you a drink, and then you can say hi. Okay. All right. That'll help.
Mark: Oh, and some cheese or something. Sure. Yeah. Thanks. Hello.
(Speaks Russian)
Don't understand.
Man: Hi, what can I get you? Um... what should I have? Oh, you know what? Two of those. Thank you. Yeah. Coming right up.
(Chattering, laughing)
Hello, hello, hello. Hello, Valerie and her cameras. (Laughs) Yeah.
Bartender: Ma'am. Oh, thank you.
Bartender: Sure, enjoy. Thank you very much. So... Aye. What's Jane doing here?
Val: Um... you didn't know?
Paulie G: No. What is this, "The Comeback" comeback? Oh. You're not doing that to me again, are you? No. Absolutely not. No. HBO called. They wanted her. Right? Yeah. Yeah, but... You know what? Don't worry. We're in good hands, because... It's not that same cheesy TV stuff that you hate, you know. I don't know if you know, but Jane, um, she does documentary films, and she has an Oscar. Wow. Yeah, I know. For a holocaust movie... or lesbians... lesbian holocaust movie, yeah. Sounds hot. Sorry I missed it. Yeah. (Chuckles) Paulie, just wanted to say it's a beautifully written show. Oh. You know? It really is, and I'm gonna do my best. Yeah, well, I hope you can do better than that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I just got you this... he's coming over. Yo, Val. Hi. Hi. That wasn't you. Huh? That... wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. It's all right. That's okay. That's okay. You know Mark, right? Hello, Mark.
Val: Paulie. Paulie G. You all right? Yeah. Yeah. (Sighs) I thought I was gonna be at the Golden Globes tonight. I'm a little tense. Sorry. Yeah. No, so did we. Yeah, I mean, they could have said, "you're going to a suite," you know? They could have made a f*cking decision, you know? I'm feeling a little set up, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know what? Next year. We'll be inside. You'll be inside. All right? Next year. Right. We were gonna go to the HBO after-party. You wanna come? No, I'm gonna go to a meeting. What? I'm gonna go to a meeting. Okay. All right. Wish we could go too. Don't you wish you were an alcoholic so we could go?
(Scoffs)
Bad joke.
Val: Okay. Yeah. See you next week on set. Bright and early. All right. That's good.
Val: He walked right by the bar.
Mark: All right. That's probably a good sign. Wait till he's gone before I...
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Sighs) Should we go? Well, I don't wanna ride in the elevator with Paulie G. So... No, thank you. Let's just wait. Yeah. ♪ Walking on, walking on, broken glass ♪ You know, it was nice of him to come over. Mm-hmm. Yes. Okay, that... see, Jane, he has changed. He wouldn't have done that before. Val, he's still a freak. Well, you know, he's an artist. So... you're just lucky, 'cause you're married to a sane artist. You're an artist? You're an actress. Actresses are artists. (Giggles) He doesn't know. ♪ So take me from the wreckage ♪ Hello. ♪ Save me from the blast ♪ We should probably go. I think it's okay now. Right? Yeah. Okay. Probably safe. ♪ Don't let me keep on walking ♪ Coast is clear. ♪ I can't keep on walking ♪
Mark: Let's go.
Val: Bye-bye.
Val: We're leaving.


ACT ONE Scene One - KACL
FADE IN Frasier is listening to a caller.
Marie: [v.o.] Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. Do you think that means something?
Frasier: Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky!
He laughs at his own wit, then realizes no one is laughing with him.
Frasier: Marie, that was a joke.
Marie: [sighs audibly] Did I mention I'm calling from a pay phone?
Frasier: Alright, alright, Marie, um... I would say give him a shot, but uh... I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. [punches a button] Who's next, Roz?
Instead of handing him over to his next caller, Roz interjects with her own on-air opinion.
Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married - it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcé will bite into any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been- married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana. [irritably] May we take another call, please?
Roz: We could, but it's time for a station break.
Frasier: [surprised] Oh. Oh well then, we'll be right back after this.
He punches a button and removes his headphones, then enters Roz's booth. She is already up and on the way out.
Frasier: Roz, didn't we just take a break?
Roz: The lot was full this morning - I had to park at a meter. I'll be right back.
Frasier: Oh. Fine, just hurry.
Roz pauses and turns back to Frasier. Neither of them notice Bulldog come into the hallway, then bend over to tie his shoe.
Roz: [pausing] Do I have headphone hair? [off his look] Well, I may have to flirt my way out of a parking ticket!
Frasier: Oh, just go!
Roz: OK, OK!
As Frasier re-enters her booth, Roz turns and runs - and flips, literally head over heels, over Bulldog, and crashes to the floor. Frasier rushes back out to see Roz lying on the floor and Bulldog getting up.
Roz: [clutching her ankle] Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Frasier: My God! [hurrying over] Are you alright?
Bulldog: I got the wind knocked out of me, but I guess I'm OK.
Gil comes over.
Roz: Ow, ow, my ankle!
Frasier: Here, Roz. [bending down and touching her leg] Does this hurt?
Roz responds with a deafening screech of pain.
Frasier: Alright, there's no nerve damage at least.
Gil: Still, one ought to have an X-ray.
Frasier: Yeah, come on.
They start to help her down the hallway, with an arm around each of their shoulders.
Roz: Frasier, Frasier, the show!
Frasier: No, that's alright, Roz, I'll get someone to fill in for me.
Roz: No, I mean right now! You've got dead air.
Frasier: Oh, God!
He lets go of her, almost dropping her to the floor again, and rushes back into the booth.
Bulldog and Gil help a moaning Roz into a chair by the side. The former sits next to her and the latter kneels by her leg.
Bulldog: [to Gil] Take the shoe off.
Roz: [in pain] Oh, oh...
Gil: [on removing her shoe] Oh, dear.
Roz: [worried] What is it?
Gil: [distastefully] I see it's been a while since our last pedicure.
Roz shoots a disgusted look at Bulldog.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BED AND BORED
Scene Two - Roz's apartment The living room shares the same space as the bedroom, and Roz is seated on the queen-sized bed, her injured ankle propped up on a cushion. She is trying to paint her toenails. The doorbell rings.
Roz: [calling] Who is it?
Frasier: [from behind the door] It's Frasier.
Roz: It's open.
Frasier pulls open the door and enters. He is carrying a white box.
Frasier: Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left?
Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you. [looking around] That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?
Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?
Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.
Roz: [noticing the box] Is that for me?
Frasier: Oh, yes. [hands it to her] Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work, and love.
Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier! [opens the box] So you brought me work.
Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.
Roz's patented death stare is interrupted by a knock on the door.
Roz: Who is it?
Bulldog: [from behind the door] It's Bulldog!
Roz: Shh! Pretend we're not here.
Frasier: Roz, you just said, "Who is it?"
He goes to the door and opens it. We see Bulldog, clutching some white paper bags in his hands.
Bulldog: Hey, Doc!
Frasier: Hey, Dog.
Bulldog: Hey, Roz! [noticing his surroundings] Wow! The whole place is a bedroom! [barks]
Roz: What are you doing here?
Bulldog: Well, I kinda feel responsible for you being on the disabled list. So I brought you some deli.
Frasier: Nothing says I'm sorry like fatty meats.
Bulldog: [walking into the kitchen] You got your pastrami, coleslaw... OK, where's the french fries? I ordered french fries!
We hear him slamming his hand on a hard surface.
Bulldog: THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [comes out of the kitchen] That apron boy is gonna...! [notices another white bag on the E-Z table next to Roz's bed] Oh, here they are.
He grabs them and goes back into the kitchen.
Frasier: To think he does it all without steroids.
Bulldog: [coming back out] You want me to stick these in the oven?
Roz: Actually, I'm not really very hungry.
Bulldog: Oh. Then I guess you're not thirsty either? [pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey]
Roz: Glasses are on the top shelf.
He heads back into the kitchen, bottle in hand.
Frasier: None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera.
Roz: [desperate] You can't leave!
Bulldog: [calling] Hey, no ice cubes!
Roz: [calling back] Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer. [whispering to Frasier] If you leave me, he'll hit on me!
Frasier: Roz, with a sprained ankle?
Roz: You know what it's like in the jungle - they always go after the sick and the lame.
Frasier: Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera. I've got the tickets!
Bulldog: [entering with two glasses] Here we go. I'll get you more ice in a minute when the feeling in my forehead comes back.
Frasier: Well, curtain's going up. [opens the door and turns back] Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely anytime. Well, except for the next three hours, of course. I'm at the opera. Oh, no, no, no... four hours, it's Wagner. Um... oh, then I've got a late supper, then right to bed, I've got an early squash game... tell you what, let's just say call me absolutely anytime after four tomorrow afternoon.
He opens the door and exits, leaving Roz quite effectively in the doghouse.
Bulldog: Hey. [clinks her glass with his] This is nice. You and me, having a drink together.
Roz: [draining her glass] Yeah. It's been fun. Bye! [slams her glass onto the E-Z table]
Bulldog: How come you only painted two toenails?
Roz: [sighing] 'Cause it hurts too much when I reach.
Bulldog: You want me to finish them for you?
He sits himself down on the bed, picking up the bottle of nail polish.
Roz: No, please, it's OK.
Bulldog: Hey, it's a nice colour. Goes with the bruise.
Roz: Bulldog, I mean it. Stop it.
Bulldog: Hey, you got nice feet!
Roz: Really? You don't think they're too big?
Bulldog: You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy.
[starts painting her nails]
Roz: [semi-suspicious] You know, it's really nice of you to do all this for me. Kind of surreal... but nice.
Bulldog: Oh, I figure if I'm nice to you... maybe you'll be nice to me.
Roz: [pushing herself off the bed] I knew it, I knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been!
Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me... look, all I wanted to ask you is if, you'd be interested in producing my show.
Roz: [shocked] What?
Bulldog: Yeah, I'm not real crazy about the guy I got now. And let's face it - you're the best producer there is.
Roz: You really think I'm the best?
Bulldog: Hey, that goes without saying.
Roz: [obviously won over] Well, Frasier goes without saying it every day. [sits back down]
Bulldog: Well, you don't have to answer right now, just take your time and think about it. But I gotta warn ya, when I set my mind on something, I get it. I once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said no... but I got him. [starts painting again] I had to paint his toenails FOUR times, but I got him!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Frasier's apartment Roz is seated on the couch, her injured leg in Daphne's lap. Daphne is giving her a massage.
Daphne: You've been wrapping your bandage too tight. You've got to keep the blood flowing to the injured ligaments.
Roz: Daphne, that feels great. Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Daphne: Actually, I'll need a raise to get me to "not enough."
The door opens, and Martin enters, followed by Niles.
Martin: Hey, Roz!
Roz: Hey, Martin, what's going on?
Martin: Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes!
Daphne: [mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels!
Niles moves to hang up his coat, oblivious to Daphne's sarcasm.
Niles: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. [goes to the bar to pour himself a drink] The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates.
Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley.
Frasier now enters through the front door.
Frasier: Evening, all!
Niles: Hello!
Roz: Hey, Frasier!
Frasier: Oh Roz, Roz! Did you hear the show today? I was at the top of my form! I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size!
Niles brings him a drink.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, Niles. So... He stops, noticing Martin's footwear.
Frasier: Ooh, Dad! New shoes? Do I hear cathedral bells?
Martin: Ring-a-ding-ding!
He gets up and moves to the kitchen.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night. I hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances.
Roz: Oh, no! Bulldog's not so bad! We actually had a good time!
Frasier: [laden with sexual innuendo] Ohhh?
Roz: What "ohhh?"
Frasier: Well, I couldn't help noticing he came in to work this morning wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.
Niles: [laden with double sexual innuendo] Ohhhh??
Martin: [walking back to his chair] What's going on?
Niles: Roz slept with Bulldog last night.
Roz: I did not! How could you think that?
Frasier: Well, I mean - dropping by, bringing a little gift? It was obvious he was after something!
Daphne: Well, that's not fair! Dr. Crane is always dropping by and bringing me little gifts and he's not after anything!
Niles looks decidedly uncomfortable.
Roz: [indignantly] I did not sleep with Bulldog - he didn't even hit on me. He did want something, though - he wanted me to leave you and come be his new producer.
Frasier: [skeptically] Oh, well! I wonder why he said that!
He trades a knowing look with Niles.
Roz: Because he really wants me.
Frasier: Yes well, I think that goes without saying.
Roz: For his show.
Frasier: Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz: [snappishly] To what?
Niles: To play Aeneas to your Dido. [pause] Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, that's alright. As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
[N.B. In an earlier draft, the line was, "dip his biscotti in your latte." Also, for lay persons, Aeneas is a figure from classical
literature: a hero of the Trojan War who escaped to Carthage, and had a passionate affair with the queen, Dido, before abandoning her to go to Italy and found the city of Rome (or so Virgil tells us).]
Roz: You know, this is so insulting. You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him because he wants to get me into his bed. It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer.
Frasier: Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive?
Roz: I'll tell you what naive is. Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt!
Frasier: Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you! I'm an expert in human behavior!
Roz: Oh, really? [to Daphne] Excuse me. [stands up angrily] I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia!
Martin laughs, and Frasier gets extremely riled-up.
Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!
Roz: Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog!
She picks up her crutches and storms out - or tries to, but it's hard to do with a pair of crutches and only one good leg.
Roz: [hobbling towards the door] That's it! I am outta here! [and hobbling...] Take a picture, 'cause I'm not in your life! [still hobbling] You have seen the last of me! [finally reaches the door and says triumphantly] Sayonara! [realizes] Oh damn, my purse.
Roz starts hobbling pitifully back to the couch on her crutches, with everyone looking on.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four - KACL Frasier is in his booth, as per normal, but he has a new producer in the form of Bruce.
Frasier: Well Bruce, I see we are loaded with callers here. What line is next?
Bruce: What's your favorite number?
Frasier: [tolerantly] Three.
Bruce punches a button. We hear a dial tone.
Bruce: Damn. What's your other favorite number?
Frasier: [annoyed] Why don't you just let me handle this?
[He pushes a button.]
Frasier: Hello, you're on the line with Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Francesca: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Um, my name is Francesca and I'm calling about my boyfriend. Well, he says he loves me, but I just can't get over this fear that I'm going to come home one day and he's not going to be there. I don't know. It probably stems from my childhood when my father left us.
Frasier: Oh Francesca, you are suffering from a fear of abandonment. But trust me, I'm here for you.
Francesca: Thank you, Dr. Crane. I'm always so afraid that people I count on will just disappear and I'll be left with...
Her voice is suddenly cut off, to be replaced by a disconnected dial tone. Frasier stares at Bruce with truly ferocious venom in his gaze.
Bruce: Sorry!
Frasier: [slightly panicked] Francesca, please... we had a little technical glitch there. But we were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow, I'll make sure you're the first order of business. Please call. Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks... I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.
Frasier removes his head phones, then walks into the producer's booth slowly, menacingly.
Bruce: [cheerfully] Good show, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: You think so, Bruce?
Bruce: Yeah!
Frasier: Well, call me old-fashioned but when my show starts out with a screeching noise that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic-depressives and a woman with a fear of abandonment, I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian!
Bruce: Don't worry, man - you'll do better tomorrow.
Bruce gives Frasier a comforting, condescending pat on the back and leaves. Frasier is incensed. He begins to walk back into his booth just as Bulldog wheels his usual equipment in, with Roz following behind him with a clipboard.
Bulldog: Yeah, it's going to be a great show, Roz. I can feel it.
Roz: Yeah, I'm psyched. You've got about a minute to show time.
Frasier: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hello, Frasier.
Bulldog: Hey, Doc! Long week no see. Hope you haven't been avoiding me because I stole your chick.
Frasier: Oh, Bruce and I are getting along splendidly!
Roz: Yeah, I heard Bruce. What happened, the cockatoo want too much money?
Frasier, unable to reply, smiles sardonically, and trades sarcastic goodbyes with Roz.
Frasier: Bye, Roz.
Roz: So long, Frasier.
He just closes the door behind him when who should he run into but Gil Chesterton.
Gil: Oh, a moment, Frasier, please! I'm sure word has reached your ear already about the frutti de mare party I'm throwing to celebrate our fair city's great bounty from the sea.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I'd love to come.
Gil: Well, aye, there's the rub! You see, I've already invited Roz. With this rift between you two, well, the tension in the air will be thicker than my cioppino!
Frasier: Well, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over. Before long, Bulldog will prove that all he's wanted all along is just to get his hands on Roz.
He looks into the booth.
Frasier: Ooh... in fact that moment may have arrived.
He peers eagerly into the booth to see Roz bending down to pick up some papers she's dropped.
Frasier: Look, she's bending over! Oh turn around, Bulldog!
Gil: Oh, yes! Isn't that what golfers refer to as "teeing it up?"
Frasier: [excitedly] Alright, he moves in... and he... [dejectedly] ...helps pick up the papers!
Gil: Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy.
Bulldog starts his show, with Roz in the producer's booth.
Bulldog: Attention, sports fans! [blows a whistle and hits his gong] You're back in the doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe!
He barks twice, and Roz meows like a cat.
Bulldog: Let's talk football, Sunday's lock: Broncos over the Raiders. Easy money, huh, Roz?
Roz: Yeah, right! And men just want to cuddle. L.A. humiliated Denver last month!
Bulldog: Wh-Wh-What? Hey, do I tell you how to cook and clean? Denver's doo! It's a complete no-brainer.
Roz: Well then, it's right up your alley!
She toots a horn at Bulldog defiantly. Frasier and Gil lean back from the window.
Gil: You know, I'm no sports fan - but they really are quite delicious together.
Frasier: Yes well, enjoy it while you can. Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever.
Gil: [condescendingly] Well, of course you're right. And then Roz will come crawling back to you.
Frasier: Yes. In the meantime, I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show. How hard could that be?
RUN: Frasier's question is answered by the short scene that follows - it is a montage of all the candidates Frasier auditions for the job of Producer, and is set to the song, "They Call Me Mr. Pitiful."
Frasier is seated in his booth in various stages of distress and disarray as the following people inhabit Roz's usual dominion:
- an old lady who smokes so much Frasier can barely see her through the haze;
- a lady who obviously has a fetish for cats, having decorated the entire studio with pictures of cats and the control panel with a real live cat;
- an EXTREMELY well-endowed blonde who is greatly distracting when she bends over;
- an over-worked neurotic who gets too stressed by all the calls coming in, and eventually throws up his hands in despair;
- and finally, an old man (Ed) who seems to have fallen dead asleep in his chair. Frasier is suitably worried. He removes his head- phones and gets up, slinging his coat over his shoulder. His shirt is un-tucked... something we don't often get to see in a well-groomed man like Frasier.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NILES MEETS THE GOATBOY
Scene Five - Café Nervosa Niles and Frasier are standing at the counter, having coffee.
Niles: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener, Yoshi, hacking his way through our prize topiary!
Frasier: Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.
Niles: Well, we're both animal lovers. But Maris is unable to have pets. She, she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally. Anyway, there was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, swinging his hedge-trimmer recklessly over his head. Before we could calm him, he had transformed Maris's prize stallion into some sort of obscene... goat-boy. The poor woman is inconsolable.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet - I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
Niles: It's always about you, isn't it?
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! But I'm just the slightest bit panicky that I'm never going to get Roz back! I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move, and against all natural laws, he hasn't!
At this point, Daphne enters the café, talking to Martin over her shoulder.
Daphne: Come along! [seeing the two brothers] Oh! Hello! I thought we might run into you two here.
Martin: Yeah! Daphne and I have been out buying shoes. [to Niles] Oh, not that I don't appreciate the ones that you bought me, but... I thought I'd save those for special occasions, when only tassels will do. But hey, get a load of these!
He turns and walks a few steps off, showing he's now wearing new sneakers, with little pressure-activated blinkers in the heels.
Martin: They light up when I walk away!
Frasier: Doesn't everyone?
Daphne: Well, I see Mr. Congeniality here is still spreading sunshine wherever he goes.
Frasier remains standing while Martin and Daphne sit at a table.
Niles: Apparently things didn't go very well on his show today.
Martin: Oh, really? Well, you know these things go in cycles. I mean, take Bulldog's show - he's just had one great show after another lately.
Frasier: Hmm... what could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines.
Martin: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy.
Frasier: As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue.
Martin: You'd have to admit you were wrong.
Frasier: Exactly!
Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense.
Niles: Frankly, I don't understand why you want her back at all. She's pushy and opinionated.
Frasier: Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist? What's labeled "pushy" in a woman is called "assertiveness" in a man. Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing.
Daphne: I quite agree.
Frasier: [dismissively] Oh Daphne, please, I can handle this.
Daphne: Well, you've certainly handled it well enough so far! If you ask me, it's time you get off your high horse, buy Roz some flowers and beg her forgiveness. And don't be afraid to get your knees a little dusty.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride.
Frasier turns to leave, and runs into his most recent producer, Ed, who is passing by.
Ed: Next time, wake me when the show's over.
As Ed leaves, Frasier's look of consternation shows just how close he is to the end of his rope.
[N.B. The actor who plays Ed appears again briefly in Everyone's A Critic.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD BULLDOG NEW TRICKS
Scene Six - Roz's apartment Roz and Bulldog are up late, sitting at her dining table and working together on the program for his upcoming shows.
Bulldog: All right, Wednesday we've got the NFL Picks. Then at the end of the show we do the "boner of the week."
Roz: No, we can't do that.
Bulldog: This is why I hate you. You are always trying to change my tried-and-true format. Why can't we do it?
Roz: Because I got you an interview with Wayne Gretsky.
Bulldog: [annoyed] See, Way... [realizes] Wayne Gretsky?
Roz: Mmm-hmm.
Bulldog: [ecstatic] Wayne Gretsky! [hits the counter] THIS IS AWESOME! THIS IS TOTAL BRILLIANCE! [flings up his arms] THIS IS... [winces] a pinched nerve. Ah, ah, ah! It's an old football injury. I got my head rammed into a locker when I tried to interview Mike Ditka. Ahh!
Roz: Here, let me help you with that.
Roz stands behind him and massages his neck.
Bulldog: Ah, this is great. I can't believe it. Wayne Gretsky, the great one. Aah... Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer.
Roz: Thanks. I'm having a great time. I owe you, Bulldog. I owe you big.
At those words, Bulldog's face twists into a diabolical, self-satisfied grin - which Roz, being behind him, fails to notice.
Roz: You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we?
Bulldog: Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it. You got any of that, uh... Wild Turkey left?
Roz: Yeah, sure.
She disappears into the kitchen.
Roz: [o.s.] You know, I got to be honest with you, Bulldog. When we first started working together, I never thought it would turn out like this! Did you?
Bulldog: All along.
He rips off his shirt without bothering with the buttons, and takes off his jeans. He's now wearing only shorts.
Bulldog: Hey uh, Roz, you'd better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy.
He has picked up a bag and is now taking out his "equipment." As she speaks, he places a vase with a single red rose on the end table next to Roz's bed, followed by a red candle.
Roz: Uh-uh! You're only going to get a little. There's a lot I want to do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me.
Bulldog: Yeah, well, uh...
He takes a long white feather out of his bag and ponders where to put it for a while, then sticks it in his shorts.
Bulldog: All I ask is that you give me a couple of twenty-minute breaks.
He takes out a boom box and starts to play some music.
Roz: What's that?
Bulldog: I uh... I thought a little music might be, uh, might be nice.
He has a handful of rose petals which he begins to sprinkle liberally around the room. He turns down the bed covers and throws more petals down on the bed as he climbs over it back to his bag.
Roz: Can you concentrate with that on?
Bulldog: Oh yeah, yeah! Actually uh, I find uh...
He unscrews a bottle of perfume and smears it across his bare chest.
Bulldog: ...the distraction helps me.
He takes out a kitchen lighter - the kind one uses to ignite stoves - and then pulls out a pair of handcuffs. He studies them for a moment.
Bulldog: Nah... second date. Don't be pushy. [he drops the handcuffs] This is great, Roz... us working like this.
He flicks on the lighter and lights the candle, then begins to heat up the rose petals on the bed, both to create an atmosphere of warmth as well as to make the roses' scent stronger.
Bulldog: Hey, uh... did you and the Doc ever end up working...
He accidentally sets the feather stuck in his shorts on fire, and he rips it out, throws it to the ground and stomps on it.
Roz: What?
Bulldog: Did you and the Doc ever, uh... end up working like this?
Roz: Oh yeah. We tried it once, but he complained I talked too much.
Satisfied with his impromptu decoration of the place, he flops back onto the bed, waiting for Roz.
Bulldog: Oh, yeah? I would have figured you for a screamer.
Roz comes out of the kitchen at last with two glasses of bourbon - and lets forth a truly delightful SCREAM. She drops both glasses.
Roz: What the hell are you doing in my bed?! Get out! She picks a pillow up off the bed and starts thumping him with it.
Roz: Get out! I asked you over here to WORK, you disgusting pervert!
Bulldog: [stands up, half on the bed, half on the floor] Hey-hey-hey! You're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here.
Roz throws the pillow down, rushes to the end table and blows out the candle. She then switches off the boom box, and gathers Bulldog's clothes up off the floor. She dashes over to the window and opens it.
Bulldog: What are you doing?!
Roz: Is this clear enough for you?
She flings his clothes out the window.
Bulldog: Hey are you crazy? My wallet's in there!
Roz: Get out! Now!
Yanking open the door, she does not see Frasier standing behind it, about to knock. He is holding a large bouquet of flowers - obviously he has decided to come groveling back. How fortuitous!
Bulldog: Get out of my way, Doc. He exits. Roz notices Frasier and covers her face with her hand.
Roz: [embarrassment and despair] Oh...!
Frasier: [with quiet triumph] I'm listening.
[SCENE_BREAK]
We are back at KACL. The old man is fast asleep in the producer's booth again, but this time he is producing Bulldog's show.
Bulldog, in his own booth, tries to get his attention - first by saying "Hey" twice into the microphone, then tapping the mike with his drumstick. When neither action works, he blows on his whistle... but that doesn't work either. He hammers against the glass partition with his drumstick. No reaction.
Removing his head phones, he picks up a horn and storms over to the producer's booth, and starts tooting the horn into the man's ear. The man remains dead asleep. Finally, Bulldog checks his pulse - it appears he IS dead.