(In a very odd dungeon-like room,the boys watch on a monitor as some scruffy cutie jerksoff in separate area of the very odd dungeon-like room.)
Ted: Internet Access, $38.00. Adult p0rn site membership,$29.95.
Michael: Watching men jerk off in the comfort of your ownhome? Priceless.
Brian: m*st*rb*t* the possibilities.
Michael: All you're showing is a twink beating his meat.
Ted: And you're point being?
Michael: Well there must be 8 dizillean gay p0rn site.
Em: I personally had think about 7 dizillian p0rn site.
Michael: What makes you're any different?
Ted: Oh Ye of little faith. OK, imagine you're at you'redesk and work for even Worthshafter and you're working onyou're calculations. It's do it 5, but you're alreadydone. Let's be honest, you give a sh1t aboutcalculations.
Em: Who's calculations?
Ted: So, you're log on for a little afternoon delight.But suddently Mr.Workshafter bargins in and shot,"Where is that file?" [he push "F10"]And voila.
Brian: A non-cubicle dweller, that's really slick.
Michael: Ultimate in safe s*x.
Ted: JerkAtWork.net! For guys who don't only work...atwork.
Em: I say he need something.. bigger.
Brian: He looks like he's doin' alright to me.
Ted: Bigger, huh? OK, Robby it's time for you're break.
[Robbie huffs. Robbie puffs. And Robbie blows his wad allover himself. The Boys are impressed.]
Michael: Holy cumshot!
Ted: Don't forget, you're back in ten minutes!
Michael: He can come again in ten minutes?
Ted: With withness by the jizzball. Proving that thehandjob is quicker than the eye.
Brian: Yeah, well leave it to you to figure out how tofake an orgasm.
[Cut to the Comic Book Store thatMichael brough, where Emmett and Vic are helping Mikeclean up and organize.]
Vic: The Squid?
Michael: Uh, Issue and Year?
Vic: Issue 21, 19...
Michael: ...67. Right wall, row three.
Em: You know, I think they should be classified by thesuperhero's fashion sense. Superheroes with taste,superheroes that clash --
Vic: Let's hope they never let you near the Library ofCongress.
Michael: How did Buzzy run this place? Nothin' catalogueand inventory not existing. There is no in caps andwindow display. This place is a f*cking mess.
[Debbie comes in with drinks for all.]
Debbie: Yeah and I would have killed him when there's notbe a pleade either.
Michael: What was I'm thinking to buy this place?
Debbie: Who the hell I know? Shity old story with allmusty comics.
Michael: Thanks for the pepp talk, Mom.
Debbie: But it's your dream, sweetheart, and that's allthat matters.
[A six foot something, blue button-down shirt, bluejeans, beaten brown leather jacket, glasses guy comes in.Sandy hair, chin cleft. Emmett gets so distracted by thatguy that he runs into Michael's chair and stubs his toe.]
Michael: Em, what are you looking?
Em: At him. This glasses. I just love the boyish type.
Vic: There's so much to learn between the covers.
Em: So, what do you think?
Vic: Mike?
[He eats some food.]
Michael: Huh?
Vic: Gay or nay?
Em: Mmmh, the jacket and the shoes, the classic stuff. Isay straight.
Michael: Sandman, Batman, Superman. If he picks up anX-Men, I say he's gay.
Vic: I've go with Michael. Comic sense over fashionsense.
[The man goes to Debbie.]
Man: Excuse me, I'm looking for Wonder Woman.
Deb: You found her! Just kidding. You're looking for myson. He's the owner. Michael! You're got a customer!
Michael: Hi, can I help you?
Man: Yeah, yeah, I'm hope so. I'm looking for some comicbooks.
Michael: Good thing you didn't go next door, or you wouldhave gotten Lebanese takeout. Anything particularly?
Man: Yes, actually. I'm looking for works based on theirnarrative, their graphics, cultural references,subtextual points of view, that one might regard as --
Michael: Gay?
[Behind them, Emmett accidentally rings the counterbell.]
Man: Right. Right.
Michael: Um, well let me see you're choices here. Can Imake some suggestions?
Man: Please.
Michael: You may try Alpha Flight No. 106, whereNorthstar takes in a boy with AIDS or a highly recommandX-Force No. 56, where Rictor and Shadowstar are describedas being 'more than friends.' There is one destiny you'relooking at.
Man: Good.
Vic: That's amazing how much Michael knows.
Debbie: What can I say? My kid is a genius!
[Art School. Dean Ryerson looksat some examples of Justin's latest works. Posters ofexploding heads, exploding cars, dismembered stuff, inharsh black, white, and red.]
Dean: These drawings are, uh, very disturbing.
Justin: That supposed to be.
Dean: A quite different with the work you submitted whenwe accepted you.
Justin: Well, I don't see things the same way.
Dean: Professor Stanly tells me, you're using a computer.
Justin: It's the only way I can work.
Dean: We're expect our students are master thetraditional disciplines.
Justin: Sometimes the traditional disciplines can be ahandicap, too. And as much as I'm not loose my hand, Ithough I can never be an artist again. But instead, thishas taught me new ways to be an artist -- ways that Inever would have thought of, otherwise.
[Debbies kitchen. Debbie asksJustin. Everyone is in there. Around the table.]
Debbie: So, what they say?
Justin: All my application was approved. He said I canstay.
[Everyone claps, cheers, and/or gets in line tohug/kiss.]
Brian: What's with all the kissing? Are you trying toturn him straight?
[He kisses Justin with deep passion.]
Debbie: Oh, sh1t, they're going to do it right here.
Vic: I'll get my camera.
Mel: Better you go in a room.
Michael: Save it for Ted's website.
Ted: Yeah, if you didn't mind a few bucks.
Brian: Don't put any ideas in his head.
Vic: Or mine.
Mel: Maybe we could do it. Help pay for the wedding.Whaddaya think, Teddy?
Ted: Sure thing, Mel. Just draw yourself in a 9 inchcock...
Lindsay: Can we just talk other than s*x? For just a fewminutes?
[They look at each other. Anyone? No?]
Em: If the twink jerks off for more than eight hours,does he get overtime?
[Justin gets up to clear the dishes.]
Debbie: Don't you buzz here, honey! You aren't in thediner. Sit down.
Justin: Okay. Never mind. Brian would you grab one?
Brian: That?
[He reaches to his croatch.]
Justin: At the plate, please.
Brian: Yes, dear.
Debbie: Holy crap, they're like f*cking newlyweds!
Mel: I'll never thought I would live to see this.
Lindsay: I think it's wonderful.
Ted: Yeah. Ten bucks says they don't last a month.
Vic: I give it three weeks.
Michael: Call me romantic. Five.
Em: I'll raise at ten and say... two.
Mel: God, you're all pussies! Seventy-two hours!
[Lindsay sees shocked to Mel.]
Ted: Deb?
Debbie: I don't put a price on people's happiness.Considering all they've been through, I'd think thattheir friends would vote for the house, instead ofagainst it.
Ted: That's a good point. So, Linds, you're in or out?
Lindsay: We have to go.
Deb: Wait a minute. We have dessert.
Lindsay: We must be home at nine. Mel!
Mel: Sorry.
Debbie: I made a pie!
[In front of the house. Mel andLinds are all alone.]
Mel: Linds? You're ok?
Lindsay: I'm fine.
Mel: Cramps?
Lindsay: No!
Mel: You're crankier than Gus when he needs a nap.
Lindsay: I just need to get out of this all.
Mel: I know Teddy's tchotchkes can you drive you crazy,too.
Lindsay: This isn't about tchotchkes. This is about theconstant stream of sexual innuendo all evening. Andfrankly I didn't find a remorial at Ted's website atleast been amusing.
Mel: But I wasn't serious! When did you become such aprude?
Lindsay: I'm not a prude! OK, maybe I am. A little.
Mel: A little.
Lindsay: I don't understand people spreading their legsfor the whole world to see! The idea of anyone I knowbeing a part of it really bothers me. C'mon.
[Mel rubs her hand thoughtfully over her chin.]
[The Comic Book Store. The guyfrom yesterday's back.]
Michael: Back so soon? And don't tell me you want throughall those comics I gave you already.
Man: Yeah, well, I'm pretty fast. I mean, I read quickly.I don't waste a time. Life's too short. Who knows whatcould happen tomorrow -- or even five minutes from now?
Michael: Uh, that's true. Is anything else I can help youwith?
Man: Uh, yeah, I hope so. I should explain. My name isBen... Ben Bruckner.
Michael: Michael. Novotny.
Ben: I teach Gay Studies at Carnegie Mellon.
Michael: I knew it!
Ben: You knew what?
Michael: With all that talk about cultural references, Iknew you had to be...uh, a professor.
Ben: Oh, okay, anywhere we're exploring Homoerotic in thecultural from greek to... roman up to and including comiccultural, modern comic book cultur, so I'll do a littleresearch.
Michael: Research, right. Got it. Let me see if I foundsomething else for you.
Ben: Actually I already found what I want.
Michael: Yeah?
Ben: You.
Michael: Me?
Ben: Yeah, I'd like to come and speak to me class.
Michael: [laughs] About what?
Ben: Well, when it comes to comics you're obviously theexpert, so...
Michael: I wouldn't say that. It's some known about sinceI were a kid.
Ben: No, no, it's differently more than knowing. When youtalk about them, you have a passion. So, whaddaya say?Will you come?
[All of a sudden, Mike's face fades into a comic bookpanel, and a little balloon pops up over his head, whichsays, "Oh, Ben, take me away with you!" Mikebounces back to reality.]
Michael: Um, I'd love to come.
[Grocery store. Brian stands atthe opposite end of a vegetable display from another guy.Brian picks up a zucchini. The other guy picks up alarger one. Brian's like, okay, and picks up an evenlarger zucchini. The other guy picks one up that's evenlarger than that. Brian picks up the biggest one of all.]
Justin: Check it out. There got a second box of pennewith a coupon.
Brian: You clip coupons?!
Justin: Yeah. Until I save money.
Brian: I didn't know you were so tight.
Justin: [see the other man] Sure you did.
Brian: Why you didn't take these two boxes of penne backand get one box of rigatoni. f*ck the fifty cents. Andbuy some Crisco, even if it's not on sale!
Man#1: [to another] See that guy? That's Brian Kinney. Heused to be the hottest stud on Liberty Avenue. Now? He'sin a relationship.
[JerkAtWork.net. Ted's going overthe books while Robbie looks over his shoulder.]
Robbie: Did you include my expenses?
Ted: What is you're expenses?
Robbie: Body care lotion. Is was 8,50.
Ted: You have a receive? [Robbie looking in his pocket.]Yeah, it's okay. I'll take you're word for it. OK,percentage of total subribers and you're time online atto you're base. Come to a grand total of... 18.72$.
Robbie: Are you telling me I spend 8 hours wacking offfor 18 dollars?
Ted: A lot of people do it for free, you know.
Robbie: Yeah, but you said I gonna make like 500 $ a day.
Ted: That was based on the third-quarter projectedearnings.
Robbie: OK, what about this quarter?
Ted: You know, when you commit to a fledgling enterprise,it's not about the money; it's about investing in thefuture and nurturing growth.
Robbie: You know you can tell that to my dick, Ted.Because it's worn to a nub!
Ted: Well, I know a good physical therapist.
Robbie: Is that covered by the company health plan?
Ted: Company health plan?
Robbie: What about the 401k you was offered, too.
Ted: OK, we need to discuss that.
Robbie: You know, I know when somebody is jerking mearound. I quit.
Ted: But you're walking out a golden opportunity here.We're around the grand floor of it, creating of indever.
[he slams the door behind him.]
[Justin and Daphne walk back tothe loft, sharing a joint. In public.]
Daphne: My roommates, never pick up the clothes or makethe bed or ups wash the dish!
Justin: We have a cleaning lady that comes by twice aweek.
Daphne: I have to wait for hot water when I get to thebathroom. And when I got in there there's not hot waterleft.
Justin: We're shower together to save water.
Daphne: They're play the music to loud I can hear myselfthink.
Justin: That sounds awful.
Daphne: Yeah, it's wonderful.
Justin: I'm glad to living with Brian.
Daphne: Yeah, but don't get to comfortable. You don'tknow how long it lasts.
Justin: Mmmh, that's what everbody says but he's changed.Like today. There is a really cute guy with the goatieand leather jacket at the shopping sale. Normally wewould left me in the checkout line. This time there evenleft.
Daphne: Sounds like you check him out, too.
Justin: I'm on my sexual peak. From here on in it is alldone here.
[And Justin's so high, he almost passes the building.Daphne and Justin giggle all the way up to the loft andthrough the door, and Justin picks up a green apple offthe floor. They're still giggling when they find Brianhaving s*x with Zucchini Man on the sofa. Then thegiggling stops. Justin tries to plaster an acceptingsmile on his face, but his eyes aren't having it.]
[Liberty Diner. At the counter,Ted's working on his books, Mike's working on hislecture, and Emmett in the middle.]
Em: I told you so. I tried to warn you. Didn't I try towarn him? Did I said or didn't I said something? But youwon't listen.
Ted: If I don't come up with something quick I'm gonnaloose my condo, my car, my ass.
Em: You are not listening. I might as well be aninvisible man. Or worse, a mime.
Michael: He said I should start my speech with a joke.How about this one? How can you tell if a superhero isgay? His boots match his purse.
Em: [laughs] Sounds funny.
Ted: Not funny.
Michael: It stinks.
Em: OK, is no one going to acknowledge my presence?
Ted and Michael: Can you pass the creme?
[Emmett deliberately passes the cream to Ted and the jamto Mike. Mike and Ted look up and snort.]
Ted: He never listens.
[Debbie walks up with the coffee pot. About her T-Shirt"If you think my attitude stinks, you should smellmy fingers."]
Deb: Okay, get 'em up, boys! The coffee cups, that is.
[Brian shows up, kisses Mike on the cheek, grabs Emmettfirmly by the shoulders.]
Brian: Good morning, Deb. A flop, two, sinkers, and somesuds.
Ted: Flop, sinker. My life is a breakfast combo.
Deb: Two eggs, a donut, and coffee for "Mr.Wonderful." Someone got lucky last night.
[Mike starts to read his speech from a set of blue indexcards, which he holds up really close to his face.]
Michael: Homoerotism in comic books. The male form isbeing worshiped from Mickeangelo to Captain Astro.
Brian: [to Deb] What's he doin'?
Deb: What's he doin'? Michael's given a lecture atCarnegie goddamn Mellon. That's what he's doin'!
Brian: I'm impressed, Mikey. Next you'll be receivingyour honorary doctorate.
Michael: I don't think so. Especially when the closestI've come to higher education is when I f*cked thattextbook salesman from Cleveland.
Ted: Well according my calculation I've got just enoughmoney left for my funeral.
Em: Don't ask me to deliver the eulogy. No one wouldlisten.
Brian: Deb! My breakfast!
Deb: Workin' on it!
[Justin pouts on over with Brian's donut.]
Brian: Good morning, Sunshine.
Justin: Can I get you something else?
Brian: Uh, yeah. Come and think about it.
[Brian tries to inhale Justin's face. Justin pulls away.]
Justin: I've be late for class.
[Mikesenses that something's up. Mike catches up with Justin outside.]
Michael: Hey, you're mother teachin' to crossin' thegreen? What did he do now?
Justin: Nothing!
Michael: Cut the sh1t! I know that face. That's the'Brian Kinney just f*cked me' face.
Justin: Yeah, except it wasn't me he was f*cking. It wassome other guy. At home on the f*cking couch!
Michael: Another hurricane off the coast of Florida,another earthquake in Peru -- so what else is new?
Justin: I guess, I just though that now we're together...
Michael: ...this things will be different. Brian is nevergonna change. You know that.
Justin: Then why I am there?
Michael: Maybe because you got bashed in the head and he feels guilty? [Justin runs away.] Sorry, I didn't mean for the sound like that! Sorry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Zee Gym. Shots of men doing bicep curls on a bench, one after another.]
Ted: Eight thousand down the drain...nine thousand down the drain...
Em: Stop fredding, Teddy. I have a plan.
Ted: At this point, I am so desperate that I actuallystop what I'm doing, turn to you with a plaintiveexpression, and ask, 'You do?'
Em: Of course! After you lose everything you have in theworld, you move in with Michael and me. We have aninflatable mattress and a spare key.
Ted: Ten thousand down the drain...eleven thousand downthe drain.
[Emmett sees Zack O'Tool across the room.]
Em: OK, I have another idea.
Ted: Does it involve begging at an off-ramp or sleepingin a cardboard box?
Em: No, no. Actually it involves...
[Ted's looking at Zack.]
Ted: Zack O'Tool.
Em: Remember how I told you that you needed somethingbigger? Maybe now you'll listen.
[Emmettand Ted trot over to join the crowd of men surroundingthe massive p0rn star. Emmett pushes his way through.]
Em: Zack, so good to see you again.
Ted: Did you really expect a p0rn star of his magnet toremember you?
Em: Well, maybe he'll remember this.
[He opens up his mouth really wide.]
Zack: Oh, yeah. You were the guy who was supposed to blowme.
Ted: Yeah and I'm the guy who paid you to do it.
Em: So, what brings you to town?
Zack: Workin' on my new film. It's a football epic."Backsides in Motion". Jerk it off.
Em: Well, I love anything with shoulder pads. So...
Zack: I got to go.
[TheSteam Room. Naked men wander around, dick shots abound,etc. Ted and Emmett peer around the corner to stare atO'Tool.]
Em: Didn't I tell you that he was even bigger in person?It's huge.
Ted: It's gargantuan.
Em: It's just what you need. He need what everbody needs.C'mon.
[They sit down on either side of Zack.]
Em: Hey Zack.
Ted: Hay Zack.
Zack: Now what?
Em: Well, my friend has this live website...
Zack: I'm not interested.
Em: Oh well, since you have a legend of fans...
Zack: Not interested.
Ted: What better to plug your new picture?
Zack: Whacking off on the web is for amateurs, boys.
Em: We give you a thousand bucks, and a limousine,champagne and, uh, you're own personal fluffer.
Ted: [whispers] What did you saying? That will cost me afortune.
Em: Would you rather lose one?
Ted: So, Zack, how would you like to share your memberwith our members?
[Brian drives Mike to CarnegieMellon in his jeep.]
Michael: Sexy, perfect body, aloof, desirable, yetunattainable.
Brian: Okay, that's enough about me.
Michael: I was refering about Silver Surfer. This speechis for sh1t.
Brian: Why did you agree?
Michael: The professor is very cute.
Brian: Really?
Michael: Oh, you can put that idea right out of you'remind, mister. I saw him first. Besides you're living withsomeone.
Brian: He's living with me.
Michael: Whatever. Either way, you're all comfy and cozy.Except when you're f*cking other guys.
Brian: Who I f*ck is out of you're business or his.
[When they pull up to the school, Mike panics.]
Brian: Get out.
Michael: What the f*ck is the matter with you?
Brian: This is it.
Michael: This is a really damn idea. C'mon, let's go outof here.
Brian: Don't be pathetic. You made a commitment, nowyou're gonna go through with it.
Michael: Like you know about making commitment.
Brian: This why I never do.
Michael: What if I make fool about myself?
Brian: Who gives a sh1t -- it's f*cking college! Now, goshow the frat boys what real men are made of, and get mesome phone numbers while you're at it. Bye!
[On hisway to class, Mike tries not to be intimidated by hissurroundings. Following behind him are three students,one of whom is reading the title of Mike's lecture.]
Student#1: Homoeroticism Themes and Imagery as Depictedin the Graphic Novel.
Student#2: You mean a comic book.
Student#1: I can just picture the big essay question onthe final: compare and contrast Michel Foucault withBatman and Robin!
Student#2: [laughs] How can you compare homoeroticimagery in comic books with Gide and Genet?
Student#3: Proust or Wilde?
Student#1: Baldwin or Williams?
Student#2: Who's giving this lecture anyway? Spiderman?
Student#3: There is this guy who rent a comic book store.
Student#1: Well, he should be a real brain trust.
[Everyone laughs derisively as they walk in the door tothe lecture hall. Mike's pretty much frozen at theentrance.]
[Mel and Lindsay's House.Lindsay's on the couch, eating cookies and rippingpictures out of bridal magazines. Melanie comes home fromwork. Lindsay gives her a big hug and kiss.]
Lindsay: So, what do you think? Sexy, timeless.
Mel: Gee, you want wearing wedding dresses?
Lindsay: What else?
Mel: Well, we could always wear strap-ons, and getmarried on Ted's website.
Lindsay: I don't think that's funny. How could a nice,intelligent person do something like that? C'mon let's gothose magazines together.
Mel: Alright.
[Melanie leaves the room for a second and returns with abig cardboard box.]
Lindsay: What do you doing?
Mel: After I came out, in fact I was in college my dadcut my off. He told me that he never want to see meagain. And I figured that I had to find a way to supportmyself. But you know how Jewish parents are. 'Forever'turned out to be three weeks. By then I made up enough topay for the rest of the year's tuition and the next.
[Mel come out with the Oui magazine. That's a magazine offemale pornography.]
Mel: It's not exactly modern bride.
[Lindsay takes the issue Mel offers her and thumbsthrough it cautiously. And there Melanie is, buck naked,tummy sucked in, back arched, and lips pursed, fingersintwined in a string of pearls.]
Lindsay: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god, Mel!
[The dungeon.]
Ted: 503 people already logged on to see Zack O'Tool.
Em: Is that good?
Ted: Do the math. 29.95 times 503 is 15.000 dollars.Yeah, this is very, very good.
Em: And all want to see Zack wack. When he's gettin'here?
Ted: Any minute now.
Em: You know, Teddy, I'm so proud of you. You took yourdream, grabbed it by the balls, shaved them, and made itcome true.
[phone rings.]
Ted: JerkAtWork.net see Zack O'Tool wack. Hello?
[On the other end, The Zack is only wearing football padsand his really long dick.]
Zack: Hello? Tad?
Ted: No, this is Ted. Zack?
Zack: Yeah, yeah. I'm here on set. We're running a littlebehind...
Ted: What, what do you mean a little behind?
Zack: I'm about to do my big scene where I ream the teamfor fumbling their balls.
Ted: I mean, we could start a little later.
Zack: The director's calling. I've got my big wide shot.
Ted: Zack!
Zack: Look, you know Ted, no I can't make it. Thanks. [hehangs up.]
Em: Teddy, what is it?
Ted: I've got 503 horny cyber geeks waiting to see ZackO'Tool jacking the beanstalk, only he's not coming! Atleast not here. What I am gonna do?
Em: My offers still stands the inflatable bed and thespare key still stands are yours.
[Ted looks over at Emmett for a sec.]
Ted: Get on the bed.
Em: Excuse me?
Ted: I said get on the bed!
Em: What for?
Ted: Whattaya think? The show must go on!
Em: Ted, are you crazy?
Ted: You like jerk it off, don't you? I mean you do itanyway.
Em: Yes, but not in front of hundreds of people. Besidethey're sign in to see Zack O'Tool, not me.
Ted: It doesn't matter. At this point, a dick's a dick.And you're the only dick I've got! Here!
[Ted throws a bottle of lube at him.]
Em: Y'know, I'm sorry Teddy, every friendship, even oneas deep and as close as ours, has its limitations.
Ted: I'll paying you what I pay Zack O'Tool.
Em: Then again if you can you're friend a favor.
[In Brian's loft, Justin isdrawing on the computer. Brian comes up behind him andstarts to nuzzle his neck.]
Justin: Stop!
Brian: Why? What have you something better to do?
Justin: Homework?
Brian: Well, I'm in a really sh1t trouble. You're notstill upset about the Zucchini Man, are you? I don't evenremember it or him. It was nothing.
Justin: I know. It's just you being you. I know who youare. I don't expect you to change, in fact, I don't evenwant you to.
Brian: Then what?
Justin: Why am I here?
Brian: One night you're mommy and daddy want to make ababy...
Justin: You know what I'm mean. It's just you feel guiltyabout what happened? [Pause] Answer me. Answer me! If Ihadn't get bash in the hat would I even be here?
[Brian doesn't have a quick enough answer to that, andJustin picks up his stuff and stalks off.]
[Mike's closing the store. Bencomes up.]
Ben: Hey Michael. I was trying to catch you.
Michael: Well, you caught me.
Ben: Yeah, the class waitin' for you. You never showed.
Michael: Yeah, the thing is I was really busy. I had youjust called. I'm sorry.
Ben: But I'd like to reschedule. How's Thursday?
Michael: Well, I'm starting a new business. I don't thinkI have the time.
Ben: Yeah, uh, I think I understand. It was an impositionin the first place.
Michael: Wait, wait. Look. The truth is I'm not Brainiac.
Ben: Well wait, one of Superman's arch-villains, am Iright? See, I'm learning.
Michael: I'm impressed. Standing in front of a bunch ofcollege students pretending that I know something isbullshit!
Ben: Why is it bullshit, Michael?
Michael: Because the Justice League of America isn'texactly Proust or Foucault, or whoever the f*ck they are.
Ben: You could tell them something. What you know is justas valuable. You have this incredible knowledge of gaysemiotics that you don't even realize.
Michael: Gay what?
Ben: Never mind, it is no matter. The point is you havethis...
Michael: Passion?
Ben: Irradiate it. It's like the Flynn.
Michael: Well, that must be why...I'm a little hot.
[The dungeon.]
Ted: No, no, they're bailing fast.
Em: Well, what did you expect? Signing up to see ZackO'Tool and instead they get me. They screaming for therunning back.
Ted: And I'm gonna give it to them unless you start doin'something!
[Emmett lamely waves at the camera.]
Ted: Take something off!
[Emmett gingerly unbuttons his shirt.]
Ted: Better. Take off you're goddamn pants!
Em: Alright!
[Emmett turns his back to the camera, cautiously takesoff his pants and strips down to his black bikiniunderwear.]
Ted: And now you're undies. Good, right. 180 and holding.I think we've stopped the bleeding.
Em: What do I do now?
Ted: What do you mean? You grab your pud and you pull!
[Emmett slowly turns around to face the camera.]
Ted: It's starting to grow up.
Em: So am I.
Ted: Holy sh1t!
Em: What? What?
Ted: You're bigger than O'Tool! Our subscriber are to,250. OK, keep stroking!
Em: I always told you I was a grower, not a show-er. Whatwaiting for me to shoot?
Ted: Not yet.
Em: How much longer?
Ted: 530! Now, now, now! Go, go, go. Shoot, shoot, shoot!
[He shoots all over himself.]
Ted: Emmett, that's amazing. That is amazing! No one'sever going to know that you used the jizzball.
Ted: What jizzball?
[Ben's classroom. Mike finallygets to give his lecture.]
Michael: The male figure has been worshipped fromMichelangelo's David all the way to Captain Astro.
[There's even a slide show behind him, showing variouscomic book heroes.]
Michael: The strength and musculare... [he stopps] ofthe... of the...
[Ben nods at him reassuringly. Mike gives his head ashake and sighs.]
Michael: I'm sorry, you know what? I haven't a clue whathomoeroticism in literature means, I just know that TheFlash looks good in tights. I start reading Flash andSuperman and Captain America when I was just a kid. Atfirst, because it was fun. I liked the stories, and Iliked the pictures. It was a great escape from all theshit -- uh, sorry, the stuff that was bugging me. And mymom didn't want me to read them. But later at I'mrealised that... later as I'm realised that I was gay Iread them for a different reason. Because, in ways thatmaybe were not intended, these superheroes were a lotlike me. You know, at work they were meek andunderappreciated. They were the guys that never getlaid... [students laughs] And when they're around otherpeople, they can't let anybody get too close for fearthat their true identities would be discovered. Withinall the villians and the monsters and the evil forcesthat are trying to destroy them somehow they're survived.Even the one thing that can kill Superman, one thingwhich he has no immunity, cryptonit, altermately you knowthat he'll survive that and he'll go on and safe theworld. I believe the same about us. That's what thecomics have shown me -- that despite everything, we'llsurvive. And we'll win. But back to the guy in thetights. [class laughs and so Ben.]
[It's raining in Pittsburgh, andJustin shows up on Debbie's doorstep, drenched to thebone.]
Debbie: Sunshine! What are you doin' here?
Justin: You haven't rent my old room, yet?
Debbie: No, come in here.
[Cut to Brian at Woody's.]
Debbie: Hasn't the kid went through enough that you causehim more pain?
Brian: Stay out of it!
Debbie: The f*ck I will! I care about him, all you careabout is you're...
Brian: ...getting my dick sucked. I think that form isestablished. Now Debbie move on from there.
Debbie: Look, all I want is...
Brian: ...to interfere?
Debbie: You can call whatever the f*ck you want. I don'twant Justin hurt.
Brian: Well, that's life, isn't it? Surprise!
Debbie: You think you have everybody fooled, don't ya?But not me, honey. I've known you too long. Andregrettably, too well. And no matter how hard you triedto deny it I can tell you care as much about him as hecares about you. Only you haven't the big hairy ball tosay it.
Brian: Oh, maybe I can borrow your's?
Debbie: Whatever it takes. To admit that you love him.And I know you do. Despite all your efforts to never letanother heart touch yours, that assume you have one. Thatlittle persistent kid has somehow gotten under the wire.And that's what happen, huh? Admit the truth. You lovehim, don't ya? [Pause] I though so. Then tell him. Tellhim what you could never say to Michael.
[Babylon!]
Ted: Hey, how about a drink after this hard day work?
[Ted hands out flyers for the website to all the Hotties,one of whom is checking Emmett out.]
Em: What that incredible cute guy crusing me?
Ted: Not just cruising. He's in maximum overdrive.
Man#1: Excuse me, what that you today on the website?
Ted: Oh yeah, it was. And come back and see him onJerkAtWork.net soon.
Man#1: You're performance was really inspiring. You mindsigning this for me?
Em: Oh, ok. To Christopher. Thanks for being such...a bigfan..I hope I can live up to it. All my best...love andluck...Emmett. Honeycutt.
Man#1: Wow, thanks.
[The man leaves them.]
Ted: My little star. We've get you a p0rn name.
Em: What's wrong with Emmett Honeycutt?
Ted: No, p0rn lore has it that you're supposed to takethe name of your childhood pet, and add the street thatyou grew up on.
Em: My favourite mutch war Fetch.
Ted: And the street?
Em: We live at the corner of Nathan and Dixon.
Ted: Fetch Dixon. A star is...p0rn.
[The Happy Fun Bedroom. Lindsayflips through another bridal magazine. She decides tocheck out that issue of Oui instead, and flips straightto Melanie's pictures. Melanie eventually catches Lindsaymasturbating to them.]
Mel: I though you didn't like p0rn.
Lindsay: And I like even less thinking about all thosestrange men, and even a few women, looking at you.
Mel: It was a long time ago before I knew you.
Lindsay: Why you didn't have ever told me?
Mel: It's not something really boost about. I practicallyforget about it.
Lindsay: I doesn't like having any secrets. There aren'tmore, are there?
[Mel shakes her head and pulls off her tank top.]
Mel: I swear. What about you?
Lindsay: Well, there was that time I was a hooker inAlaska. But that was only a summer job.
Mel: I used to have a pretty hot bod.
Lindsay: You still do.
Mel: Why settle for a magazine when you can have the realthing?
[Babylon! In grainy black andwhite, no less. From the balcony, Brian watches Justinmake out with an Hottie on the dance floor.]
Brian: Hey.
Justin: Hey.
Brian: [to the hottie] Hey, f*ck off!
Justin: What do you want?
Brian: You were right. The reason I took you in was thatyou took a bat to the head. But that's not the reasonthat I want you to stay. But don't get the idea we'resome married couple. Cause we're not. We're not, like,f*cking straight people. We're not like you're parents.And we're not a parent dykes marching on the fareways.We're queers, and if we're together, it's because we wantto be, not because there's matching locks on our doors.So if I'm out just assume I'm doin' exactly what I wantto doin'. I'm f*cking. And when I come home, I'm alsodoing what I want to be doing. Coming home to you.
Justin: OK, I want some things too. You can f*ck whoeveryou want, as long as it is not twice. Same for me. And nonames or numbers exchanged. And no matter where you are,no matter what you're doin' you always come home. Say 2.
Brian: 4.
Justin: 3 AM. One more thing. You don't kiss anyone elseon the mouth but me.
[In response, Brian gives him a big old heartstopper of akiss.]
[At Ben's home. Ben brings Mike abeer, and a book.]
Michael: Thanks.
Ben: Oh, I've got something else for ya.
Michael: R-U-1-2? R-U-1-2, I get it! You're wrote this?You wrote a book?
Ben: Yes, yes, it's me first and last novel. Which thereviewer called "a noble effort from a fresh newvoice." There was on the remainder table soonafterward.
Michael: I didn't nobody who wrote a book before.
Ben: Open it.
Michael: "To Michael. Beneath his mild-manneredappearance beats the heart of a superhero. Ben." Idon't know what to say.
[He gives Ben a hug.]
Ben: So, where were we?
Michael: About this.
[They start making out. Kissing. Unbuttoning each other'sshirts. Pants. But Ben suddenly pulls away! Mike'sconfused.]
Ben: Hey, hey, Michael. Wait a minute.
Michael: What for?
Ben: I just want you to know that... I'm HIV-positive.
End.


[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Freya: If this prophecy is fulfilled, you will all fall... One by friend, one by foe, and one by family. I suspect Niklaus is with your sister. Wherever you go, Aurora follows. I knew you would find me. Hello, my sweet love. I'm here for the same reason Lucien and Tristan are, to protect my sire. I need to know... Where in the hell is Rebekah?
Rebekah: I will use the advantages this body has while I search for a way to bring back Kol, and then who knows?
Marcel: My guys stayed on Tristan's trail, followed him to a secret storehouse, and you'll never guess who just bought that storehouse. One Lucien Castle. They've been working together the whole time. In the wrong hands, this stuff could destroy the city. Property of Nola PD. Evidence in a murder case. From the forensics from tonight's crime scene, only prints on the victim are yours. Cami O'Connell, you're under arrest.
Aurora: In the moments before you asked me to flee with you, I saw your brother. He's lied to us all. And yet I love him. You must only see him as the wretched monster that he truly is. What you did to Aurora, to me. You set my course! You want a fight, so be it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: What are you doing over there? Come closer.
Klaus: I think it's best you remain out of arm's reach.
(Sighs)
Aurora: So I take it you've heard about the busy day everyone's had. Let me take away that scowl. I'll tell you everything I know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Church bells ringing)
Rebekah: I told you this was better than exchanging stuffy, old letters.
Freya: Well, a drink with my sister beats sire line drama any day.
Rebekah: Lucien's always been a pain in the ass, though he pails compared to that stuck-up twit Tristan.
Freya: Oh, and don't forget about The Strix. There's more of them in the quarter every day. I may yet join you here in the flesh.
Rebekah: Well, I would love the company, but I might not be here much longer. I have a meeting with a Santeria witch who may know the key to bringing back Kol.
Freya: We may unite the family after all.
Rebekah: Now tell me, how are you managing with them?
Freya: Oh, Niklaus and Elijah are on intermittent speaking terms, which I've decided to consider progress.
Rebekah: Just wait, luv. The weather will change. Now I am off to a witch rendez-vous.
Freya: Stay safe.
Rebekah: Here's to family, every bloody one of us.
Rebekah: A warning, sir. If you're looking for trouble, you might want to think twice.
Aya: That's the problem with a witch's body. You can't put up much of a fight when the real monsters come out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Footsteps)
Elijah: Aagh!
(Thump)
Freya: May I ask what happened?
Klaus: We had a little chat about the past.
Elijah: I politely informed Niklaus that I'm not his enemy, and though they entered the city under the guise of peace, Tristan and Lucien in truth are allied against us, a fact that required a little bit of gentle persuasion.
Klaus: And so I reminded our brother who angered them in the first place.
Freya: And after all of this civil discourse, what understanding did you come to?
Elijah: That we expose and destroy our first sired.
Klaus: Couldn't agree with you more. You see, gentlemen know when it's time to call a truce and turn our fury in a more pertinent direction.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Will: Come on. For someone always giving me an earful, that was a very quite ride.
Cami: What do you want me to say, detective? Well done! The streets of New Orleans are safe.
Will: What I'd love to hear is a confession. It would make my job easier.
Cami: I am not a serial killer, and while you're wasting time with me, the real murderer is still out there.
Will: Well, if I'm missing something, show me. Prove to me you're the victim, and I will protect you.
Lucien: Ah, ah, ah, ah. A cold-blooded killer? Camille, what a shocking turn of the cards!
Cami: (Gasps) Ahh.
Will: You should rest. We've got a big day ahead of us.
Lucien: There we are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hey, Davina. It's me. I, um... I'm running a little late. I should be there soon. On second thought, I'll be a little longer.
(Clattering)
You're not very good at tailing, are you? My talents lie elsewhere. Ah! Unh! Aah!
(Groans)
(Chokes)
(Growls)
Agh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Elijah: Ah, yes. Drinking with Rebekah. Always an adventure.
(Grunts)
Freya: You seem more annoyed than usual.
Elijah: It's Aurora. Her influence frightens me, and yet our hideously deluded brother seems to believe that she might be the key to ending this wretched prophecy.
Freya: If she's aligned with her brother, what chance does Nik have?
Elijah: None. Still, Niklaus believes that she can be swayed, although his perspective of family loyalty is schizophrenic at best.
Freya: Well, I don't get why Lucien and Tristan are working together. Aren't their sire lines direct enemies?
Elijah: Well, a mutual lack of goodwill toward our family might not be entirely unjustified. Hatred's a hell of a thing, Freya.
Freya: Why? All you did was sire them. They don't seem to be complaining. Elijah... What exactly did you do?
Elijah: I compelled Lucien to believe that he was Niklaus, Aurora to believe that she was Rebekah, and Tristan myself... After I'd sired him of course. This had been a period of mayhem for us. It was the 11th century, father was hunting us mercilessly, so I compelled them, and then I told them to run.
Freya: You made them bait.
Elijah: Not the kindest thing I ever did, if I'm perfectly Frank with you, Freya. So while we found respite in the sleepy, yet charming vineyards of Tuscany, father hunted the decoy Mikaelson children to the far reaches of Europe for the better part of a century. Then we were inconveniently daggered. The compulsion was broken, here we are. How's the head?
Freya: Spinning. I don't think it's the hangover.
Elijah: Freya, something you must understand about this family. Under threat, we take action, for better or worse, whatever it takes to protect our own.
Freya: So you're telling me their days are numbered.
Elijah: If indeed they're working against us, yes, without question. Perhaps a little hair of the dog might be more effective, wouldn't you say? What is it?
Freya: Something's wrong. We need to call Rebekah now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Jazz playing)
Aurora: What a lovely necklace. That emerald would really flatter my eyes, don't you think?
Woman: I think my necklace would flatter your eyes.
Aurora: Thank you. You shouldn't have.
Klaus: Will you be taking candy from a toddler next?
Aurora: If I should happen to be in the mood for something sweet.
Klaus: Come with me. And don't worry. I promise I won't bite.
Aurora: So am I to receive a stern talking to for my poor behavior?
Klaus: On the contrary. I've cleared my calendar for the day. I want to show you my city.
Aurora: Is this your attempt to discern whose side I'm on.
Klaus: I'd love to know whose side you're on, but it would be rude of me to ask such blunt discourse from so beautiful a woman without first buying her lunch. Wouldn't you agree?
Aurora: Well, it does seem like most men have lost their manners these days. That shall be lovely.
Klaus: Heh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Moans)
Lucien: I took the liberty of removing your handcuffs... Unless you're the type that likes to be restrained. Please take it. Consider it an apology for the rough start to our day. I see no reason we cannot begin anew.
Cami: I only drink with friends, and, unless this isn't abundantly clear, I don't like you.
Lucien: Fair enough. Later on, I Hope you'll remember this all could have gone so much easier. Detective Kinney, come on in and start cutting up the mirepoix.
Cami: You compelled him?
Kinney: What the hell is going on?
Lucien: Why don't you focus on the cutting? We don't want you to lose any fingers while we talk. Did you know that Will's mother's side is full of chefs? He's going to make us his grandmother's Grillades and Grits I took the liberty of texting your nosey friend Vincent on your behalf. After leaving police care without incident, he believes you have a date with "the real housewives" at home in your PJs.
Cami: What the hell kind of point are you trying to make?
Lucien: Detective, do me a favor. Throw your blade at her pretty face.
Cami: Ohh!
Lucien: Now that I have your attention, my point is simple. I'm looking for a particular dark object, a small bronze medallion with runic markings. Since you're on vervain, I'm going to ask nicely that you help me find it. Should you refuse, the parlor tricks will get increasingly less fun. Carry on. There's a girl.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Elijah: She's still not answering.
Freya: Touve mon se kavo. Touve mon se kavo. There's nothing to connect to. She's gone.
Elijah: What do you mean she's gone?
Freya: I can't find her, which means her witch body, her connection to magic, it's as if it just vanished.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rebekah: (Gasps) Bloody hell.
Rebekah: Not only did you slit my throat, you stole my bloody phone.
(Footsteps)
Aya: Hello, Rebekah.
Rebekah: Aya, of course. Elijah's little protege. Let me guess. You were tasked with finding my Original body, you couldn't do your job, so you did this to my other one to lure me out. Clever but ill-advised. You see, I needed that body, and now you owe me a hell of a lot more than an apology.
Aya: I don't owe you anything. I'm here to claim the unattended Mikaelson. I only had chains enough for one of you.
Rebekah: Heh. Is that all you brought?
Aya: I met your special friend... Marcel Gerard. It's been amusing getting to know him. Maybe I'll send him one of your heads as a souvenir.
Rebekah: Enough with the idle chit-chat. Are you gonna throw the first punch or what?
Aya: Respect my elders. You first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Mmm. I find the Cajun cuisine almost as delicious as their people. Well done, William.
Kinney: Not like I had a choice.
Lucien: Hmm.
Kinney: The moment I do, I'm gonna use this knife, I'm gonna stab you in the heart.
Cami: You couldn't if you tried. You've been compelled to do everything he says. It's like hypnosis. Vampires use it against humans to do their bidding.
Kinney: We're using the "V" word now? Great. Might as well embrace the insanity. What else you gonna force us to do?
Lucien: Well, Camille here consumes vervain, so I can't force her to do anything, but in exchange for preventing future bloodshed, I'd ask that you find me that pretty, little medallion.
Cami: Like I've told you, I have cataloged everything. What you're looking for is not here.
Lucien: It's there. Just hidden, built into something else. Find it!
Cami: And then what? Some shiny ornament helps you get your revenge on Klaus? Don't tell me this is all because he stole your girl.
Lucien: He did a lot more than steal my girl, Camille. He stole 100 years of my life. Now that gives me a thought. Loss is a great motivator. Slice open your arcuate artery.
Cami: No!
Kinney: Ugh!
Lucien: Ooh. That's a nasty wound. He'll bleed out if that's not treated. Tick-tock, Camille.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: Mmm. That was delicious.
Klaus: I aim to please.
Aurora: No. Darling, you aim to suck me dry of information, but you fed me well, so I suppose I owe you a favor. What would you like to know?
Klaus: Well, it's quite simple really. I find being in your company again wonderfully intoxicating. So my question is do you feel the same?
Aurora: Nik, I am not your enemy, nor Rebekah's. After all, she's my sire, but I do hate Elijah, given what he's done to me and to you.
Klaus: So you choose to ally with the brother who locked you in a prison and the stable boy who, until now, was always so far beneath you?
Aurora: You know, the 3 of us spent one hundred years working together and running together, believing we were the Mikaelsons, and you knew your father. It was no easy task to avoid him, and yet we survived, and when the compulsion ended, it was as if someone had peeled off our skin. We lost everything of who we were and what we'd become in a single moment, and even though we now knew we were little more than an elaborate red herring, Mikael was still after us, so Tristan swore he wouldn't rest until we made you pay. So the 3 of us swore a pact of vengeance. For centuries, we scoured the world looking for weapons that would kill the lot of you, but Lucien and Tristan never quite got over their hatred of one another.
Klaus: Seems a little short-sighted. If my family dies, so do all of you.
Aurora: Well, that's the beautiful mystery, isn't it? I... I think I'd like dessert. Perhaps you can take me for a walk, show me what it is you like about this strange, little city.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hayley: You might remember him from that pretentious excuse for a party.
Marcel: Shen Min. 800 years old. According to Tristan, he was a torture consultant for genghis Khan.
Hayley: I don't care if he's a gemini who likes long walks on the beach, Marcel. Why was he following me?
Marcel: I don't know.
Hayley: You don't know, or you're sworn to the code of silence.
Marcel: Hey. Easy. We're on the same side here.
Hayley: Then prove it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mikaelson blood tracks Mikaelson blood. I should be able to find her. I don't understand. Why bring Rebekah into this? They want all 3 sires. Tristan and Lucien kept us occupied here while they hunted Rebekah. She's strong. She cannot be killed. The prophecy says otherwise. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Unh! You're a bit out of sorts. Been in a coffin for 6 months. I'm just getting warmed up. Besides, I think I'm in the lead, not that anyone's keeping score. I guess I should be flattered. I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes. Menedek qual suurentaa.
(Necks snapping)
Not bad. Now what? Run.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Hasn't yet. The hunt continues.
Cami: How you holding up?
Kinney: Well, I'm gushing blood into a bucket because the vampire who kidnapped us doesn't want to stain his floor, so pretty great.
Cami: I got you into this mess. The least I can do is stop the bleeding.
Kinney: No. Don't beat yourself up. I'm tenacious. Would have gotten into this mess with or without you.
Cami: (Gasps)
Kinney: I have a feeling you shouldn't come any closer. More tricks from Mr. Transylvania. This is what happened to your brother, isn't it? Your family got mixed up in the supernatural world. Someone made him do something he never would have done. No one should have to go through that. Listen. I... I have a sister. If I don't make it...
Cami: No. We're walking out of this.
Kinney: At this point, limping out of this is gonna be a challenge.
Cami: I still have leverage. I'm the only one who can find what Lucien needs, so let's find it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: Why would you bring me here? It's so morbid.
Klaus: They call these graveyards The Cities of the Dead, elevated mausoleums meant to honor those who've passed on. It's a very human attempt to overcome fear of mortality by celebrating death. Morbid, certainly, but pure.
Aurora: Oh. Pure. Like your intentions.
Klaus: My intentions are quite the opposite. How about yours?
Aurora: Hmm. You know... Over the long centuries, I would dream of you, my bright light in an ocean of darkness, a kindred whose despair mirrored my own and whose love brought me a joy I had not felt and have never felt since. But if only it were real, this charming stroll through your melancholy preoccupations, but I know it's really an interrogation under the guise of pleasantries.
Klaus: My desire for answers is only fair. We are on the brink of war, but if you doubt the veracity of my feelings for you... Then our tour has one final stop.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Elijah: She can't stay there. Rebekah cannot fight them alone. I tried. She's of no mood to listen. Perhaps you'll have better luck.
(Cell phone vibrating)
Elijah: It's Marcel. Your timing's perfectly horrendous.
Marcel: Yeah? Well, I need your help. Hayley caught one of Tristan's guys tailing her, knocked him out, brought him to the gym for a little Q&A. Problem is, it's Shen Min.
Elijah: Marcellus, do I need to remind you that Shen Min was know as the Red Sorrow before he was a vampire? You execute him immediately.
Elijah.
(Humming)
So what, you gonna sleep all day?
Elijah: Before he wakes, tear that heart from his chest. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver.
Rebekah: It's good to see you, Elijah, even if you're not flesh and blood.
Elijah: It's time to come home, Rebekah.
Rebekah: No. I'm too close to bringing Kol back.
Elijah: You're even closer to bringing about your own destruction.
Rebekah: I'm not leaving without that spell. Kol will have to wait, sister. The Strix are making their move.
Rebekah: What happened?
Elijah: Hayley had an encounter with Shen Min. She and Marcel are dealing with this matter accordingly.
Rebekah: What the hell are you doing here? Go and save them before that lunatic gets free!
Elijah: Give me your word. Come home now. No detours.
Rebekah: Fine, but my niece's mum and that handsome fool better be alive when I get back.
Elijah: You make certain she returns. I'll see you tonight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hayley: Hmm. About time. Now we can get started.
Shen Min: Yes, we certainly can.
Hayley: There's still time. If you talk, maybe I'll even get you healed. Why were you following me?
Shen Min: Because we have a use for you, or is it some other reason? You'll never know, and it won't matter because when I get free, I'm going to break your jaw as you did mine and slowly pull your intestines out from your body.
Marcel: Hey. How about we just calm down?
Shen Min: And you. The others were so pleased when you joined our ranks, but I knew from the start you were filth. You've proven it by siding against us. For that, I will end you, but not before you watch her die, screaming.
Marcel: Right. Well, ok. That's about enough of that. Sorry, Hayley. Your turn's over. He's got to die. Unh!
Marcel: Take him. Unh! Agh! Agh!
Shen Min: How poetic. Two warriors fighting side by side dying together. Unh!
(Gasping)
Elijah: Are you ok?
Marcel: Oh, I'm fine. Thank you for asking.
Elijah: Marcellus, next time I ask you to take out the trash... Try not to dally.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rebekah, we have to go. I'll get you on the first flight out.
Rebekah: I can't give up now, not when the answers to bringing out brother back are just a few streets away. You promised Elijah.
Rebekah: And what about my promise to Kol? I've already lost my witch body. I can't go home with nothing. Well, I suppose arguing with you would be a waste of already precious time.
Rebekah: See? You're fitting into this family like a glove.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: So is this your family home?
Klaus: Please forgive the detritus. My brother and I had a slight disagreement over you, as a matter of fact.
Aurora: Oh! A duel in my honor. How chivalrous, but I'm afraid if this is what you wish to show me, it's...
Klaus: If you want to know what's been in my heart for the past few centuries, come with me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: Life is like a city, built in layers. No matter what new experiences come along, the foundation remains.
(Gasps)
Aurora: What is this?
Klaus: 200 yeas ago, it was my art studio. It became a tomb for my memory of you. I thought if I painted what haunted me I could free myself of you forever. In all my years, I have never been more wrong about anything.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: Between blood loss and that bite, I'm not sure you have enough time to get answers.
Elijah: Then let's make the most of it. I have questions. I want answers. Why were you following Hayley?
Shen Min: I was ordered to remove her from the playing field. She is an obstacle to the thing we truly want.
Elijah: Which is what?
Shen Min: Davina Claire.
Elijah: What do you want with Davina Claire?
Shen Min: Tristan needs her to activate a weapon to use against your family.
Elijah: What weapon? Forgive me. I'm having a little difficulty hearing you right now. Speak.
Shen Min: I'd... Rather... Die.
(Daylight ring clatters)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Have you found it yet? Because as far as deadlines go, well, yours seems almost dead.
Cami: You've made your point. You win, humans lose. Now let him go.
Lucien: So you have found it?
Cami: Maybe. I'll only show you if you heal him now.
Lucien: Show me first.
Cami: Heal him. It's ok. You can drink it. It will heal you. I've checked everywhere else. This is the only place it could be.
Lucien: Aah! Ohh! Ohh! I can see why Nik is so fond of you. You do have spirit, but your heart skipped a beat just before I healed your friend. I think you know exactly where my medallion is, you crafty girl. Knife to your throat, mate.
Cami: No. Don't do this, please.
Lucien: Are you trying to appeal to my merciful side? I hate to tell you, darling, I don't have one.
Kinney: Don't give him a damn thing!
Lucien: Oh, enough! Go on. Slit your...
Cami: Wait! Take it. Just take it. It's in here.
Lucien: Heh. Had it all along. How about that? Turns out we make quite a team.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Moroccan music playing)
Rebekah: There it is. This has got to be it.
Freya: If you were told to meet this witch here, where is she?
Rebekah: Doesn't matter to me as long as I get what I need. This is it. This is the spell. It makes perfect sense. Now all we need is Kol's ashes and the blood of two siblings.
Freya: Rebekah, we need to go now.
(Door opens)
Rebekah: Took you long enough.
Mithil rata dans hofos. Mithil rata dans hofos. Mithil rata dans hofos. What the hell is going on?
Aya: A fitting end to a spoiled bitch.
Rebekah: (Grunts) Clearly you didn't get the hint earlier. You can't beat me!
Aya: Maybe not, but she can. Lem duree mohana. No! Gratuit fra loke!
(Voices whispering)
No. No.
Aya: Your magic has no power here. Only our witch can cast spells. How tragic, that you and your sister must say your farewells like this. I can't decide. Should I make you watch as she screams for mercy or leave you wondering just how badly she suffered? If you hurt her, I will rip your l... unh!
Rebekah: You lured me all this way, and the whole time, it was a lie.
Aya: Not at all. The spell is very real. I wanted to enjoy the look on your face when I took it from you. Not to worry, luv. This won't kill you. It's just meant to put you to sleep for a very, very long time.
Rebekah: And when I wake up, you will be the first person that I kill.
Aya: I won't hold my breath, but you're more than welcome to try.
(Grunting)
Aya: Now time to get you back to New Orleans.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: He cooks, and he cleans! He's a real keeper, this one. Aw. Sadly, it was not meant to be. Now you will go and tell your superiors you arrested the wrong suspect.
Kinney: You can compel me all you want. I will find you.
Lucien: No, you won't. Instead, you'll keep up this wretched failure that is your life. You'll continue with this pitiful investigation, never quite connecting the dots or making any progress whatsoever. After a time, you'll grow to hate yourself for your mediocre talent, all the while knowing there are things lurking in the shadows, and in the face of these, you are nothing.
Cami: Don't do this.
Lucien: Oh, don't look so chagrined. Eh, once the vervain's out your system, I'll compel you to forget, as well, but like him, I will leave you with one lesson. Against vampires, humans always lose.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Perfume Genius' "I decline" playing)
♪ I can see for miles ♪
(Gasps)
♪ The same old line ♪
(Sighs)
Hayley: There was a time when all I wanted was to find my family. It consumed me, and then once I did, as crazy as it is, all I wanted was a home, and New Orleans is that home... And The Strix are trying to take that, aren't they?
Elijah: No. We won't let them.
(Footsteps)
Marcel: Might be harder than you think.
Elijah: Where is Rebekah?
We need to call Klaus.
Perfume Genius: ♪ that's all right ♪ ♪ I decline ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: What are you doing over there? Come closer.
Klaus: I think it's best you remain out of arm's reach.
Aurora: (Sighs) So I take it you've heard about the busy day everyone's had. Let me take away that scowl. I'll tell you everything I know.
Klaus: I suggest you speak quickly.
Aurora: There is a weapon in play, a dangerous, cursed device called The Serratura. It is capable of producing an unbreakable boundary. My brother and Lucien want to use it to lock you and your siblings away forever so that no one may harm you, but to do so, they need all 3 of you in one place.
Klaus: Which is why they sent a legion of Strix to collect my sister.
Aurora: But not to worry, my love. I took measures to ensure that Rebekah isn't held by those nasty Strix for long.
Klaus: What measures?
Aurora: While they did acquire Rebekah's body, I wasn't about to let them keep it, so I enacted a plan of my own. Unbeknownst to my brother, two of the men sent to retrieve her were from my sire line, loyal to me... And on my behalf, they procured your sister's body. So don't worry, my love. Rebekah is perfectly safe. You have my word. Now... Come back to bed.