INT. TARDIS
Picking up where the last episode left off - Rose runs into the TARDIS and joins the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Right then, Rose Tyler, you tell me, where do you want to go? Backwards or forwards in time. What's it going to be?
ROSE: Forwards.
The Doctor presses a few buttons.
THE DOCTOR: How far?
ROSE (picking random number): One hundred years.
He pulls a lever and turns a knob. The engines lurch and then stop after a few seconds.
THE DOCTOR: There you go, step outside those doors, it's the twenty-second century.
ROSE: You're kidding.
THE DOCTOR: That's a bit boring though, do you want to go further?
ROSE: Fine by me!
The Doctor starts up the engines again. When they stop, he looks at her.
THE DOCTOR: Ten thousand years in the future. Step outside, it's the year 12005, the New Roman Empire.
ROSE (teasingly): You think you're so impressive.
THE DOCTOR: I AM so impressive!
ROSE: You wish!
THE DOCTOR: Right then, you asked for it. I know exactly where to go. (Revs up the engine, pumps a lever furiously). Hold on!
The TARDIS hurtles through the time vortex. With a pinging noise, the TARDIS stops.
ROSE: Where are we?
The Doctor gestures towards the doors. Rose smiles excitedly.
ROSE (CONT'D): What's out there?
The Doctor gestures again. Rose steps outside the doors.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose finds herself in some kind of wooden room. The Doctor follows her and with his sonic screwdriver, opens the shutters of an enormous window. They go down the stairs and find themselves looking down on the planet Earth.
THE DOCTOR: You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying. Like you're going to get killed by eggs or beef or global warming or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Maybe you survive. This is the year 5.5/apple/26. Five billion years in your future. This is the day... hold on... (Looks at his watch). This is the day the sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world.
OPENING CREDITS
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
Two space shuttles zoom towards Platform One, essentially a huge space station.
COMPUTER VOICE: Shuttles 5 and 6 now docking. Guests are reminded that platform 1 forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion. Earth Death is scheduled for 15:39, followed by drinks in the Manchester Suite.
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
Rose and the Doctor are walking down a corridor.
ROSE: So, when it says 'guests' does that mean people?
THE DOCTOR: Depends what you mean by people.
ROSE: I mean people. What do you mean?
THE DOCTOR: Aliens.
ROSE: What are they doing on board this spaceship? What's it all for?
The Doctor starts to open a door with his sonic screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR: It's not really a spaceship. More like an observation deck. The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
ROSE: What for?
THE DOCTOR: Fun.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
They enter a large observation gallery.
THE DOCTOR: Mind you, when I said the great and the good, what I mean is, the rich.
ROSE: But, hold on, they did this once on "Newsround Extra", the sun expanding, that takes hundreds of years.
THE DOCTOR: Millions. But the planet's now property of the National Trust. They've been keeping it preserved. See down there? (Points out of the window at tiny glints of light orbiting the Earth). Gravity satellite. That's holding back the sun.
ROSE (peering out of the window at Earth). The planet looks the same as ever. I thought the continents shifted and things.
THE DOCTOR: They did. And the trust shifted them back. That's a classic Earth. But now the money's run out, nature takes over!
ROSE: How long has it got?
The Doctor looks at his watch.
THE DOCTOR: About half an hour. And the planet gets roasted.
ROSE: Is that why we're here? I mean, is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the Earth?
THE DOCTOR: I'm not saving it. Time's up.
ROSE: But what about the people?
THE DOCTOR: It's empty! They're all gone. All left.
Rose looks back to the window, realization spreading across her face.
ROSE: Just me then.
The Steward hurries towards them.
STEWARD: Who the hell are you?
THE DOCTOR: Oh! That's nice, thanks.
STEWARD: But how did you get in? This is a maximum hospitality zone. The guests have disembarked! They're on their way any second now!
THE DOCTOR: That's me, I'm a guest, look! I've got an invitation! (Flashes a small leather wallet at the Steward). Look, there you see? It's fine, see? The Doctor plus one. I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler. She's my plus one. That all right?
STEWARD: Well... obviously. (Doctor grins). Apologies, et cetera. If you're on-board, we'd better start. Enjoy.
The Doctor nods at him. After the steward walks off, the Doctor shows Rose the card he had flashed at the steward. It is completely blank.
THE DOCTOR: The paper's slightly psychic. Shows them whatever I want them to see. Saves a lot of time.
ROSE: He's blue.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah.
ROSE: Okay...
The steward is now speaking through a microphone at the other end of the suite.
STEWARD: We have in attendance, the Doctor and Rose Tyler. Thank you! All staff to their positions.
He claps his hands and a lot of little blue people (the staff) start scurrying around.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Hurry now! Thank you, as quick as we can! Come along, come along! And now, might I introduce the next honoured guest, representing the forest of Cheem, we have Trees. Namely, Jabe, Lute and Coffa.
Jabe, Lute and Coffa walk through the doors.
STEWARD (CONT'D): There will be an exchange of gifts representing peace. If you can keep the room circulating, thank you. Next, from the solicitors Jolco and Jolco, the Moxx of Balhoon.
The Doctor smiles cheerily, as Rose looks on bewildered.
STEWARD (CONT'D): And next, from Financial Family Seven, we have the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
The Doctor chuckles at the look on Rose's face.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The inventors of hyposlip travel systems, the brothers Hop Pyleen. Thank you!
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Cal 'Spark Plug'.
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Mr. and Mrs. Pakoo.
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The Ambassadors from the City State of Binding Light.
Jabe approaches the Doctor. Either side of her, her companions are holding plant trays with little shoots in them.
JABE: The Gift of Peace. (Takes a cutting, hands it to the Doctor). I bring you a cutting of my Grandfather.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you! (Gives it to Rose). Yes, gifts... erm...
He clears his throat and starts feeling his jacket for something, finding nothing, he says :
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I give you in return, air from my lungs.
He blows gently onto Jabe's face, who closes her eyes briefly.
JABE: How... intimate.
THE DOCTOR (flirtatiously): There's more where that came from.
JABE: I bet there is...
Rose has the sort of look on her face that is to be expected of someone who has just witnessed their companion flirting with a tree.
STEWARD: Sponsor of the main event, please welcome the Face of Boe.
A huge head in an equally huge jar is wheeled through the doors. The Moxx of Balhoon approaches the Doctor and Rose.
THE DOCTOR: The Moxx of Balhoon.
MOXX OF BALHOON: My felicitations on this historical happenstance. I give you the gift of bodily saliva.
He spits accurately into Rose's left eye.
THE DOCTOR (laughs): Thank you very much.
Rose rubs the spit out of her eye. Next, the Adherents of the Repeated Meme approach them.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ah! The Adherents of the Repeated Meme. I bring you air from my lungs.
He breathes heavily over them all.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
He holds out a large silver egg, which the Doctor takes, throws up into the air, catches, and hands to Rose.
STEWARD: And last but not least, our very special guest. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Trees and Multiforms. Consider the Earth below. In memory of this dying world, we call forth The Last Human.
The Doctor looks at Rose to see her reaction. The sliding doors open and what looks like a vertical trampoline made of human skin is wheeled through. It has eyes and a mouth, and wears lipstick.
STEWARD: The Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen.
CASSANDRA: Oh, now, don't stare. I know, I know it's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away and look at the difference! Look how thin I am.
The Doctor laughs silently but heartily and looks at Rose, who looks shocked.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Thin and dainty! I don't look a day over two thousand. Moisturize me, moisturize me.
One of the two men in white body suits who wheeled her in is holding a canister, which he sprays onto Cassandra.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Truly, I am The Last Human.
Rose creeps closer for a better look.
CASSANDRA: My father was a Texan. My mother was from the Arctic Desert. They were born on the Earth and were the last to be buried in the soil.
Rose has been walking around to the other side of Cassandra, to get a good view of her from all angels. She is completely flat.
CASSANDRA: I have come to honour them and... (Sniffs)...say goodbye. Oh, no tears. (Bodyguard wipes her eyes). No tears. I'm sorry. But behold! I bring gifts. From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg.
One of the staff comes in and displays the egg to the room.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Legend says it had a wingspan of 50 feet and blew fire from its nostrils.
Rose looks mildly confused.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Or was that my third husband?
Rose rolls her eyes but the Doctor laughs.
CASSANDRA: Who knows! Oh don't laugh. I'll get laughter lines!
She laughs and mumbles to herself for a few seconds. Behind her, a large jukebox is wheeled into the room.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): And here, another rarity. According to the archives, this was called an iPod. It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers.
Rose looks amazed.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Play on!
One of the staff presses a button and a record falls into place. The 'iPod' starts playing Tainted Love by Soft Cell. The Doctor bops around appreciatively.
STEWARD: Refreshments will now be served. Earth Death in 30 minutes.
Rose has a lost, overwhelmed expression on her face. Everywhere she looks there are aliens, but no other humans. She rushes from the gallery. Concerned, the Doctor starts to follow her, but is stopped by Jabe.
JABE: Doctor? (She snaps a photo of him when he pauses). Thank you.
The Doctor proceeds on. Jabe walks in the opposite direction. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme are offering the Steward a silver egg.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
STEWARD: No, you're very kind, but I'm just the Steward.
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme holds the egg out more persistently.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
STEWARD: Oh, yes. Thank you. Of course.
He takes the egg. Meanwhile, Jabe is trying to get her computer to identify the Doctor's species.
JABE: Identify species. Please identify species.
The computer makes a small whistling noise.
JABE (CONT'D): Now, stop it. Identify his race. Where's he from? (After a moment, stares at the computer in disbelief, hushed). It's impossible.
In a nearby glass cabinet, a metal robotic spider climbs out of one of the metal eggs that the Adherents of the Repeated Meme had been handing out.
INT. PLATFORM ONE ROOM, SHAFT
Rose, in another part of the ship, looks out of a window at the raging sun. She jumps when another one of the staff comes into the room, this one female. Her name is Raffalo.
ROSE: Sorry, am I allowed to be in here?
The employee looks around uneasily.
RAFFALO: You have to give us permission to talk.
She looks at Rose expectantly. Rose looks unsure.
ROSE: Uh... you... have permission...?
RAFFALO: Thank you! And, no. You're not in the way. Guests are allowed anywhere.
ROSE: 'Kay.
Raffalo goes to a panel in the wall and enters a code. Rose watches her.
ROSE: What's your name?
RAFFALO: Raffalo.
ROSE: Raffalo?
RAFFALO: Yes, Miss. I won't be long, I've just got to carry out some maintenance.
She kneels before an air vent.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): There's a tiny little glitch in the Face of Boe suite. There must be something blocking the system - he's not getting any hot water.
ROSE: So, you're a plumber?
RAFFALO: That's right, Miss.
ROSE: They still have plumbers?
RAFFALO: I hope so! Else I'm out of a job!
Rose laughs.
ROSE: Where are you from?
RAFFALO: Crespallion.
ROSE: That's a planet, is it?
RAFFALO: No, Crespallion's part of the Jaggit Brocade, affiliated to the Scarlet Junction, Convex 56. And where are you from, Miss? (Seems to remember herself). If you don't mind me asking.
ROSE: No! Not at all. Erm... I dunno, a long way away... I just sort of, hitched a lift with this man. (Only just realising the risk she's taken herself). I didn't even think about it... I don't even know who he is... he's a complete stranger...
Raffalo looks slightly worried. Rose snaps herself out of it.
ROSE (CONT'D): Anyway, don't let me keep you. Good luck with it!
She begins to walk away.
RAFFALO: Thank you, Miss. And... (Rose turns). Thank you for the permission. Not many people are that considerate.
ROSE (smiles): 'Kay. See you later.
Roffalo nods and smiles. When Rose has gone, she takes the cover off the air vent.
RAFFALO: Now then.
She peers into the vent and then speaks into a small microphone attached to her collar..
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Control, I'm at Junction 19 and I think the problem's coming from in here. I'll go inside and have a look. (Hears small tapping). What's that? Is there something in there?
The metal spider we saw breaking out of the egg earlier appears at the end of the shaft.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Oh! Who are you, then?
The spider scurries away as if frightened.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Hold on! I... if you're an upgrade I just need to register you, that's all. Oh, come back!
A red beam of light falling on Raffalo's face tells us the spider has come back.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Ah, there you are. Now, I just need to register your ident.
Another spider joins the first.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Oh, there's two of you! Got yourself a little mate! (Giggles). I think I'd better report this to control. How many of you are there? (A third spider appears, and then a fourth). What are you? Oh, no. No. Nooooo!
She is dragged head first into the air vent.
INT. STEWARD'S OFFICE
The steward enters and puts his egg on a nearby table and sits down. He listens to Control speaking.
STEWARD: What's that? Well, how should I know? (Activates loudspeaker).Would the owner of the blue box in private gallery 15 please report to the steward's office immediately. Guests are reminded that use of all teleportation devices is strictly forbidden under Peace Treaty 5.4/cup/16. Thank you.
While he is talking, a spider has broken out of his egg and run up the opposite wall.
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
We are shown another shot of the burning sun and the satellite over the Earth.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 25 minutes. Earth Death in 25 minutes.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose sits on the steps, throwing the egg up in the air and catching it again when she hears this announcement.
ROSE: Oh, thanks.
She puts the egg down and turns her attention to the cutting of Jabe's grandfather. She picks it up.
ROSE (CONT'D): Hello! My name's Rose. That's a sort of plant. We might be related...
She suddenly realizes what she is doing and hurriedly puts the plant down.
ROSE (CONT'D): I'm talking to a twig.
Behind her, the spider breaks out of the egg.
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
The TARDIS is being dragged away by some of the staff.
THE DOCTOR: Oi, now, careful with that. Park it properly. No scratches.
One of them walks up to the Doctor, squeaks at him, hands him a card and walks away again. The Doctor reads it - it says 'Have a nice day'. The Doctor looks at the retreating staff's back as if he or she is completely off his or her rocker, and walks off. A few of the metal spiders scurry up the wall behind him. A few more are running along the air vent.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The spider that came out of Rose's egg appears to be scanning her hand, but Rose is completely oblivious. It jumps and runs to the air vent when the Doctor's voice floats through the door.
THE DOCTOR: Rose? Are you in there?
The spider scrambles through the vent just in time, before the Doctor comes through the door.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Aye aye! (Sits on other side of stairs). What do you think, then?
ROSE: Great! Yeah... fine. Once you get past the slightly psychic paper...
The Doctor laughs. There is a short pause.
ROSE (CONT'D): They're just, so alien. (Doctor looks at her questioningly). The aliens. Are so alien. You look at 'em... and they're alien.
THE DOCTOR: Good thing I didn't take you to the Deep South.
ROSE (as if looking at him properly for the first time): Where are you from?
THE DOCTOR: All over the place.
ROSE: They all speak English.
THE DOCTOR: No, you just hear English. It's a gift of the TARDIS. Telepathic field, gets inside your brain, translates.
ROSE: It's inside my brain?
THE DOCTOR: Well, in a good way. ROSE (colder, starting to sound angry): Your machine gets inside my head. It gets inside and it changes my mind, and you didn't even ask?
THE DOCTOR (thrown): I didn't think about it like that.
ROSE (angrily): No! You were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the Deep South! Who are you then, Doctor? What are you called? What sort of alien are you?
The Doctor sits up and looks away from her.
THE DOCTOR: I'm just The Doctor.
ROSE: From what planet?
THE DOCTOR: Well, it's not as if you'll know where it is!
ROSE: Where are you from?!
THE DOCTOR: What does it matter?
ROSE: Tell me who you are!
THE DOCTOR (suddenly angry): This is who I am, right here, right now, alright? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!
ROSE: Yeah, and I'm here too because you brought me here, so just tell me!
The Doctor gets up and walks down the steps away from her.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 20 minutes. Earth Death in 20 minutes.
After a few moments, Rose gets up and follows the Doctor down the steps.
ROSE: Alright... as my mate Shareen says... don't argue with the designated driver...
The Doctor, with his back turned to her, smiles at that. Rose gets her mobile out of her pocket.
ROSE (CONT'D): Can't exactly call for a taxi... there's no signal. We're out of range. Just a bit!
THE DOCTOR: Tell you what...
He takes the phone from her.
THE DOCTOR: With a little bit of jiggery pokery...
He takes the back off the phone.
ROSE: Is that a technical term, "jiggery pokery"?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I came first in jiggery pokery, what about you?
ROSE: Nah, failed hullabaloo.
THE DOCTOR: Oooh. (Fits in a new battery, hands phone back to Rose). There you go.
Rose takes it and looks at him uncertainly. He nods. Rose gets her mum's number onto the screen and puts the phone to her ear. It rings.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
We find ourselves in the Jackie's kitchen, 2005.
JACKIE: Hello?
ROSE: Mum?
Jackie, at home, is putting some washing into the machine.
JACKIE: Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done now? Oh, this red top's falling to bits! You should get your money back. Go on! There must be something, you never phone in the middle of the day!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose laughs.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: What's so funny?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Nothing! You all right, though?
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Yeah! Why wouldn't I be?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: What day is it?
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Wednesday. All day. You got a hangover? Oh, I tell you what, put a quid in that lottery syndicate, I'll pay you back later.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Yeah, um, I was just calling 'cause I might be late home.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Is there something wrong?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: No! I'm fine! Top of the world!
The Doctor laughs.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
Jackie puts the phone down.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose lowers the mobile, stunned.
THE DOCTOR: Think that's amazing, you want to see the bill.
ROSE: That was 5 billion years ago. So... she's dead now. Five billion years later, my mum's dead.
THE DOCTOR: Bundle of laughs, you are.
The ship shudders.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (rather pleased and curious): That's not supposed to happen...
INT. STEWARD'S OFFICE
STEWARD (to control): Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end. (Activates loudspeaker). Honoured guests may be reassured that gravity pockets may cause slight turbulence, thanking you.
As soon as it is switched off again, he speaks angrily to control again.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The whole place shook! I felt it! I've hosted all sorts of events on platforms 1, 3, 6 and 15 and I've never felt the slightest tremor. I warn you, if this lot decide to sue... I'm going to scan the infrastructure. (Presses a few buttons). What's that?
A spider scurries down the wall behind him.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Control, I don't want to worry you, but I'm picking up readings... (Computer beeps). I have no idea! Well, they're small, and the scan says they're metal... (Computer beeps, frustrated). I don't know what they look like!
Suddenly, he spots the spider, which is now pottering around on his desk next to his mug.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Although, I imagine they might look rather like that... you're not on the guest list... how did you get on board...?
The spider looks at him almost mockingly and presses a yellow button on the control panel. The computerized woman's voice booms out again.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter deactivated.
STEWARD: No. No!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
The sunfilter does indeed, descend.
STEWARD (frantic): No! Sunfilter, up! No, no, no!
He fumbles frantically with the buttons on the control panels, but too late.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Sunfilter up! Sunfilter up!
Blinding light engulfs the steward.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
The Steward screams. Outside the room, the spider escapes through an air vent.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The guests are completely oblivious to the commotion, chatting to each other. The Moxx of Balhoon is talking to the Face of Boe.
MOXX OF BALHOON: ...this is the Bad Wolf scenario...
The Doctor and Rose enter.
THE DOCTOR: That wasn't a gravity pocket. I know gravity pockets and they don't feel like that.
He is fiddling with a control panel next to the door. Jabe approaches them.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What do you think, Jabe? Listened to the engines, they pitched up about 30 hertz, is that dodgy or what?
JABE: It's the sound of metal, it doesn't make any sense to me.
THE DOCTOR: Where's the engine room?
JABE: I don't know... but the maintenance duct is just behind our guest's suite, I could show you. And... (Gestures Rose) ...your wife.
THE DOCTOR: She's not my wife.
JABE: Partner?
THE DOCTOR: No.
JABE: Concubine?
THE DOCTOR: Nope.
Jabe looks at Rose.
JABE: Prostitute...
ROSE (insulted): Whatever I am, it must be invisible, do you mind? Tell you what, you two go and pollinate, I'm going to catch up with family. Quick word with Michael Jackson.
She makes her way over to Cassandra.
THE DOCTOR: Don't start a fight. (Proffers arm to Jabe). I'm all yours.
ROSE (watching them leave): And I want you home by midnight!
The Doctor grins back at her.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 15 minutes. Earth Death in 15 minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
Before the Doctor and Jabe enter, several spiders scurry out of view.
THE DOCTOR: Who's in charge of Platform One? Is there a captain or what?
JABE: There's just the steward and the staff. All the rest is controlled by the metal man.
THE DOCTOR: You mean the computer? But who controls that?
JABE: The Corporation. They move Platform One from one artistic event to another.
The Doctor is silent for a moment.
THE DOCTOR: But there's no one from the corporation on board.
JABE: They're not needed. This facility is purely automatic. It's the height of the alpha class. Nothing can go wrong.
THE DOCTOR: Unsinkable?
JABE: If you like. The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
THE DOCTOR: You're telling me. I was on board another ship once. They said that was unsinkable... I ended up clinging to an iceberg, it wasn't half cold. (Stops a moment). So, what you're saying is, if we get in trouble there's no one to help us out?
JABE: I'm afraid not.
THE DOCTOR (grinning): Fantastic.
He starts walking again.
JABE: I don't understand. In what way is THAT fantastic?
Behind them, a spider creeps out of its hiding place.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
Rose is talking to Cassandra. They are looking out of a window at the sun and down at the Earth.
CASSANDRA: Soon, the sun will blossom into a red giant, and my home will die. That's where I used to live, when I was a little boy. Down there. Mummy and Daddy had a little house built into the side of the Los Angeles Crevice. (Sighs). I had such fun.
ROSE: What happened to everyone else? The Human Race, where did it go?
CASSANDRA: They say Mankind has touched every star in the sky.
ROSE: So, you're NOT the last human.
CASSANDRA: I am the last PURE human. The others... mingled. (Disgusted). Oh, they call themselves "New Humans" and "Proto-humans" and "Digi-humans" even "Human-ish" but you know what I call them? (Lowers her voice to a whisper). Mongrels.
ROSE: Right. And you stayed behind.
CASSANDRA: I kept myself pure.
ROSE: How many operations have you had?
CASSANDRA: 708. Next week, it's 709, I'm having my blood bleached. Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter, Rose. You've got a little bit of a chin poking out.
ROSE: I'd rather die.
CASSANDRA: Honestly, it doesn't hurt...
ROSE: No, I mean it. I'd rather die. It's better to die than live like you, a bitchy trampoline.
CASSANDRA: Oh well. What do you know.
ROSE: I was born on that planet. And so was my mum, and so was my dad and that makes me officially the last human being in this room, 'cause you're not human. You've had it all nipped and tucked and flattened till there's nothing left. Anything human got chucked in the bin. You're just skin, Cassandra. Lipstick and skin. Nice talking.
She walks off. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme watch her leave through the sliding doors.
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
The Doctor and Jabe are still making their way down the corridor, the low ceiling forcing them to stoop slightly.
THE DOCTOR: So, tell me, Jabe. What's a tree like you doing in a place like this?
JABE: Respect for the Earth.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, come on. Everyone on this platform's worth zillions.
JABE: Well... perhaps it's a case of having to be seen at the right occasions.
THE DOCTOR: In case your share prices drop? I know you lot. You've got massive forests everywhere, roots everywhere, and there's always money in land.
JABE: All the same. You respect the Earth as family. So many species evolved from that planet. Mankind is only one. I'm another. My ancestors were transplanted from the planet down below. And I'm a direct descendant of the tropical rainforest.
The Doctor looks impressed. He then points to a control panel.
THE DOCTOR: Excuse me.
He gets out his sonic screwdriver and starts poking the screen with it.
JABE: And what about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two... perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there's nothing else left... (No answer). I scanned you earlier. The metal machine had trouble identifying your species, refused to admit your existence.
The Doctor pretends to be concentrating on the scan, but a flicker of emotion passes across his face.
JABE (CONT'D): And even when it named you, I wouldn't believe it. But it was right.
The Doctor stops scanning. Deep sadness is reflected in his eyes. Jabe's tone is hushed, awed.
JABE (CONT'D): I know where you're from. Forgive me for intruding, but it's remarkable that you even exist. I just want to say... how sorry I am.
Jabe puts a comforting hand on his arm. The Doctor's eyes are filled with tears. He places his hand over hers, and a tear falls down his cheek. He quickly finishes the scan and he and Jabe go through a door.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor and Jabe find themselves in the ventillation chamber. There are huge fans circulating in there. The Doctor looks down at Jabe.
THE DOCTOR: Is it me, or is it a bit nippy?
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
Rose walks alone down a corridor. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme are coming from the other end. She smiles at them, but the front one strikes her to the ground where she lies unconscious as they drag her from view.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
THE DOCTOR: Fair do's, though, that's a great bit of air conditioning. Sort of, nice and old fashioned. Bet they call it "retro". (Scans another control panel with his sonic screwdriver). Gotcha.
The panel falls off and a spider scuttles out and scurries across the floor and up the wall. The Doctor and Jabe watch it.
THE DOCTOR: What the hell's that?
JABE: Is it part of the "retro"?
THE DOCTOR: I don't think so. Hold on.
He points the screwdriver at the spider. However, Jabe fires something up at the spider, disabling it. It comes falling into the Doctor's hand.
THE DOCTOR: Hey! Nice liana!
JABE: Thank you! We're not supposed to show them in public.
THE DOCTOR: Don't worry, I won't tell anybody. (Turns his attention to the spider). Now then. Who's been bringing the pets on board?
JABE: What does it do?
THE DOCTOR: Sabotage.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 10 minutes.
THE DOCTOR: And the temperature's about to rocket. Come on.
They hurry from the chamber.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The aliens mill about.
CASSANDRA: The planet's end. Come gather! Come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilization. Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad.
Britney Spears' Toxic suddenly blasts out of the enormous iPod.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STEWARD'S OFFICE
The Doctor and Jabe hurry along, the corridor is filled with smoke and the staff are coughing squeaky little coughs.
THE DOCTOR: Come on! Get back!
He moves his sonic screwdriver over another control panel.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
JABE (concerned): Was the Steward in there?!
THE DOCTOR: You can smell him. Hold on, there's another sun filter program to descend.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
'Toxic' plays loudly as Rose wakes up, rubbing her head.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
Rose sits up in alarm as the Sunfilter descends. She runs to the door and knocks on it frantically.
ROSE: Let me out!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The Doctor runs along the corridor.
ROSE: Let me out! Let me out!
The Doctor arrives outside the door to attempt to make the Sunfilter rise again.
THE DOCTOR: Anyone in there?
ROSE (frantically): Let me out!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, well, it would be you.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Open the door!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: Hold on! Give us two ticks!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The whole room is smoking.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The display on the control panel says 'Sunfilter Rising'. The Doctor looks up expectantly.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
The Doctor looks pleased with himself.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose sighs with relief.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising... Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: This is just what we need. The computer's getting clever.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Will you stop mucking about!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: I'm not mucking about, it's fighting back!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Open the door!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: Hang on!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose runs down the stairs and flattens herself to the floor.
ROSE: The locks melted!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The Doctor jabs his sonic screwdriver right inside the wires.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Panting, Rose runs back to the door. The Doctor cannot open it.
THE DOCTOR: The whole thing's jammed. I can't open the doors. Stay there! Don't move!
ROSE (terrified sort of sarcasm): Where're am I gonna go?! Ipswich?!
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 5 minutes.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
JABE (looking at her computer): The metal machine confirms. The spider devices have infiltrated the whole of platform one.
CASSANDRA: How's that possible? Our private rooms are protected by a code wall. Moisturize me, moisturize me.
The Doctor takes the destabilized spider out of Jabe's hand.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Summon the Steward!
JABE: I'm afraid the Steward is dead.
There is a general gasp of shock.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Who killed him?
CASSANDRA: This whole event was sponsored by the Face of Boe! He invited us! (Face of Boe shakes his head). Talk to the face! Talk to the face!
THE DOCTOR: Easy way of finding out. Someone bought a little pet on board. (Shows them the spider). Let's send him back to Master.
He places the spider down on the floor. The spider scuttles along to Cassandra and looks up at her. Cassandra looks shifty for a moment, but the spider moves on to the feet of the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
CASSANDRA: The Adherents of the Repeated Meme. J'accuse!
THE DOCTOR: That's all very well, and really kind of obvious, but if you stop and think about it...
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme tries to strike him, but he catches its arm and rips it off.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A Repeated Meme is just an idea. And that's all they are. An idea.
He rips a wire out of the arm and all of the Adherents of the Repeated Meme crumple into a bundle of black cloaks. Everyone gasps. Cassandra rolls her eyes.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Remote controlled Droids. Nice little cover for the real troublemaker. Go on, Jimbo! (Nudges spider with his foot). Go home!
The spider ambles back over to Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: I bet you were the school swot and never got kissed.
The Doctor raises his eyebrows.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): At arms!
The two bodyguards with canisters on either side of her raise their canisters.
THE DOCTOR (mockingly): What are you going to do, moisturize me?
CASSANDRA: With acid. Oh, too late anyway. My spiders have control of the mainframe. Oh, you all carried them as gifts, tax free, past every code wall. I'm not just as pretty face.
THE DOCTOR: Sabotaging a ship while you're still inside it? How stupid's that?
CASSANDRA: I'd hoped to manufacture a hostage situation with myself as one of the victims. The compensation would have been enormous.
THE DOCTOR: Five billion years and it still comes down to money.
CASSANDRA: Do you think it's cheap, looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune. I am The Last Human, Doctor. Me. Not that freaky little kid of yours.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Arrest her!
CASSANDRA: Oh, shut it, pixie. I've still got my final option.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 3 minutes.
CASSANDRA: And here it comes. You're just as useful dead, all of you. I have shares in your rival companies and they'll triple in price as soon as you're dead. My spiders are primed and ready to destroy the safety systems. How did that old Earth song go? "Burn, baby, burn."
JABE: Then you'll burn with us.
CASSANDRA: Oh, I'm so sorry. I know the use of teleportation is strictly forbidden, but... I'm such a naughty thing. Spiders, activate.
There are a series of explosions around the ship.
CASSANDRA: Force fields gone with the planet about to explode. At least it'll be quick. Just like my fifth husband. (Giggles). Oh, shame on me. Buh-bye, darlings! Buh-bye, my darlings...
She and her bodyguards teleport out.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels rising.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Reset the computer!
JABE: Only the Steward would know how.
THE DOCTOR: No. We can do it by hand. There must be a system restore switch. Jabe, come on.
They leave the room. He calls back the crowd over his shoulder.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You lot - just chill!
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 2 minutes. Earth Death in 2 minutes.
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
Jabe and the Doctor are running back through the maintenance corridor.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, critical. Heat levels, critical.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER.
The Doctor and Jabe reach the ventilation chamber.
THE DOCTOR: Oh. And guess where the switch is.
The switch is located at the other side of the enormous fans.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels - rising. Heat levels, rising.
The Doctor pulls a lever down and the fans slow down.
COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D): External temperature, 5 thousand degrees.
As soon as the Doctor lets go of the lever, the fans start to speed up again. As the Doctor looks hopelessly at the fans, Jabe pulls the lever down again and holds it there.
THE DOCTOR: You can't. The heat's going to vent through this place.
JABE: I know.
THE DOCTOR: Jabe, you're made of wood.
JABE: Then stop wasting time. Time Lord.
He grins at her and runs back to the fans.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, rising. Heat levels, rising.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The glass begins to crack.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, hazardous.
MOXX OF BALHOON: We're going to die!
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, hazardous.
The Doctor dodges the first fan and runs underneath it. He looks anxiously up at the next one.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The glass begins to crack. Rose cowers against the wall.
COMPUTER VOICE: Shields malfunctioning. Shields malfunctioning.
Rays of sun blast in through the cracks, burning holes in the parts of the metal wall they hit. Rose screams.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor is still standing before the second fan. He looks back at Jabe who is sweating and breathing heavily.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, critical. Heat levels, critical.
The Doctor dodges under the second fan.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The glass cracks further, engulfing the Moxx of Balhoon in light. He cries out.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The sunrays hit the wall either side of Rose.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, rising. Heat levels, rising.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
As the Doctor stands before the third fan. Jabe starts shaking violently. Suddenly, she gasps as one of her hands catches fire. She screams. The Doctor looks back, shocked. Now there is no one to hold the lever down, the fans circulate so fast that they can hardly be seen, in order to cool the ship down. It is impossible for the Doctor to get through.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The walls around Rose are rapidly burning.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
COMPUTER VOICE: Planet explodes in 10... 9...
The Doctor closes his eyes. All grows quiet.
COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D): 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
The Doctor, still with his eyes closed, steps calmly though the fan. When at the other side, he opens his eyes and dashes to the switch, pulling it down.
THE DOCTOR: Raise shields!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose has her eyes closed and is shaking.
COMPUTER VOICE: ...1
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
The force fields around the ships are reset just as the planet is engulfed in fire. It explodes, leaving the ship completely unharmed.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
COMPUTER VOICE: Exoglass repair. Exoglass repair.
The glass is automatically repaired. Rose opens her eyes, panting heavily.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor walks back through the fans. He pauses for a moment to look sadly at the charred and smoking remains of Jabe.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
Rose walks back into the observation gallery, where all the aliens are sitting around, wounded or dead. The Doctor walks briskly in a few moments later. He glances at Rose but does not pause to talk to her. Instead he goes straight to Jabe's companions, mutters a few words to them and then places his hands on their shoulders, leaving them to grieve. He then walks back near Rose.
ROSE: You all right?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm full of ideas, I'm bristling with them. Idea number one, teleportation through five thousand degrees needs some kind of feed. Idea number two, this feed must be hidden nearby.
He strides over to the ostrich egg, breaks it open and the teleportation feed falls out. He picks it up.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Idea number three, if you're as clever as me, then a teleportation feed can be reversed.
He twists the feed. Cassandra appears before them, apparently in the middle of gloating.
CASSANDRA: Ah, you should have seen their little alien faces. (Notices her new surroundings). Oh.
THE DOCTOR: The Last Human.
CASSANDRA (flustered): So. You passed my little test. Bravo. This makes you eligible to join the er... the human club.
THE DOCTOR: People have died, Cassandra. You murdered them.
CASSANDRA: That depends on your definition of 'people'. And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries. Take me to court then, Doctor! And watch me smile, and cry, and flutter...
THE DOCTOR: And creak?
CASSANDRA: And what?
THE DOCTOR: Creak! You're creaking.
Cassandra's skin is tightening. Her eyes are becoming bloodshot and she is getting whiter and whiter.
CASSANDRA (panicking): What? Ah! Ah! I'm drying out! Oh, sweet heavens! Moisturize me! Moisturize me! Where are my surgeons? My lovely boys! It's too hot!
She's covered in red blotches.
THE DOCTOR: You raised the temperature.
CASSANDRA (terrified, pathetic): Have pity! Moisturize me! Oh, Doctor!
ROSE (shaken): Help her.
THE DOCTOR: Everything has its time and everything dies.
CASSANDRA (shrivelling up): I'm... too... young!
She explodes. The Doctor looks completely cold and not remotely fazed. He leaves the room.
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
COMPUTER VOICE: Shuttles 4 and 6 departing. This unit now closing down for maintenance.
INT. MANCHESTER SUITE
The Manchester Sute is now completely empty apart from Rose, who is standing at the window watching the Earth burn with a very vulnerable and sad look on her face, oblivious to the Doctor watching her from the doorway. Rocks fly past the window. She turns around when she hears the Doctor's footsteps as he comes to stand beside her.
ROSE (teafully): The end of the Earth. It's gone. And we were too busy saving ourselves, no one saw it go. (The Doctor looks down at her). All those years... all that history and no one was even looking. It's just...
THE DOCTOR (holds his hand out to her). Come with me.
Rose takes his hand and they walk away together.
EXT. PICCADILLY CIRCUS
Back in 2005, Rose steps out of the TARDIS. She looks around at the crowds, seeing them in a new light. The Doctor stands beside her.
BIG ISSUE SELLER: Big issue!
THE DOCTOR: You think it'll last forever. People, and cars and concrete. But it won't. One day, it's all gone. Even the sky. (They both look at the sky. After a moment). My planet's gone.
Rose turns to look at him. This is the first time he's mentioned his home.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It's dead. It burned like the Earth. It's just rocks and dust. Before it's time.
ROSE: What happened?
THE DOCTOR: There was a war. And we lost.
ROSE: A war with who?
He doesn't answer, seemingly lost in thought.
ROSE (CONT'D): What about your people?
THE DOCTOR: I'm a Time Lord. I'm the last of the Time Lords. They're all gone. I'm the only survivor. I'm left travelling on my own because there's no one else.
ROSE: There's me...
She smiles at him.
THE DOCTOR: You've seen how dangerous it is. Do you want to go home?
Rose looks at him for a few seconds.
ROSE: I don't know. I want... (Sniffs the air). Oh! Can you smell chips?
THE DOCTOR (laughs): Yeah. Yeah!
ROSE: I want chips.
THE DOCTOR (smiling): Me too.
ROSE: Right then, before you get me back in that box, chips it is, and you can pay.
THE DOCTOR: No money.
ROSE: What sort of date are you? Come on then, tightwad, chips are on me.
He smiles at her, delighted.
ROSE (CONT'D): We've only got five billion years before the shops close...
They walk down the street together laughing, Rose nuzzling her head against his shoulder.


TERMINUS
BY: STEPHEN GALLAGHER
Part One
First Air Date: 15 February 1983
Running time: 24:58
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: I'm scared. This place is like a maze. Where am I supposed to be going?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Your function is to obey, not question.
TURLOUGH: I may not have must time. I don't think they trust me, especially Tegan.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): The roundel behind you.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): That one. Open it.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Operate the blue switches. Now you'll be able to remove the space-time element from beneath the console.
TURLOUGH: Which switches will release the TARDIS to my control?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Do only as I say.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Quickly, close the roundel.
TURLOUGH: Now what do I do?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Go to the console room.
TURLOUGH: And? Where have you gone?
TEGAN: Who were you talking to?
TURLOUGH: Oh, no one. I was singing. Not very well, I'm afraid.
TEGAN: Why didn't you answer when I called?
TURLOUGH: I'm very sorry, I didn't hear you.
TEGAN: You're up to something, I can feel it.
TURLOUGH: I'm simply looking around. The TARDIS is so very large.
TEGAN: What have you been doing? Have you touched anything?
TURLOUGH: You look so sweet when you get angry.
TEGAN: I'm being serious. What have you been doing?
TURLOUGH: Nothing. You're being foolishly and unjustifiably suspicious. Tegan, why do you dislike me so much?
TEGAN: You're unreliable.
TURLOUGH: You hardly know me.
TEGAN: I heard the way you were talking to the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: Being friendly hardly makes me unreliable.
TEGAN: It's the way you were doing it.
TURLOUGH: Oh, you would prefer I used your sledgehammer tactics?
TEGAN: At least I'm honest.
TURLOUGH: Being rude isn't honest. Neither is overreacting. If I choose to smooth the way with a smile and a soft phrase, that doesn't make me unreliable. Charm, the way I use it, is to disagree agreeably.
TEGAN: You were using it to deceive.
TURLOUGH: Oh, you're so typical of your planet, reduced to shouting if you can't have your own way.
TEGAN: I am not!
TURLOUGH: No? You seem unable to grasp that there are other approaches. To smile before asking.
TEGAN: Don't patronise me, Turlough.
TURLOUGH: I'm simply relating what I think.
TEGAN: Turning an argument around is something you're very good at.
TURLOUGH: Listen to yourself. You're so concrete in the way you think. Why can't you just agree to differ?
TEGAN: I think you're dangerous.
TURLOUGH: I think we should try and be friends.
TEGAN: I'm going to tell the Doctor about the roundel.
TURLOUGH: Do so, but you'd only make a fool of yourself. I travel in the TARDIS too, now. I have no desire to kill myself. I had no reason to open that roundel. Where are you going?
TEGAN: To show you to your room.
TURLOUGH: We're friends?
TEGAN: Not yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Looks like a kid's room.
TEGAN: It was Adric's.
TURLOUGH: Who?
TEGAN: Doesn't matter.
TURLOUGH: I've had enough of children, what with that awful school on Earth.
TEGAN: You can change things if you want.
TURLOUGH: Right, all this can go for a start.
TEGAN: It's your room. Do what you like.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: He's got the manners of a pig.
NYSSA: The Doctor?
TEGAN: The brat, Turlough.
NYSSA: He'll settle down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: It's repaired itself.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): Concentrate. You have work to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What are you doing?
NYSSA: Synthesising an enzyme. I seem to need the practice.
TEGAN: You've done it before.
NYSSA: Adric did the calculation for me. My own figures aren't as good, as you can see.
TEGAN: I'll see if I can find his notes, before Turlough destroys them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: What will this do?
GUARDIAN (on scanner): You are touching the heart of the TARDIS. Rip it free!
TURLOUGH: What happens to me?
GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will be safe. I am ready to lift you away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: It's stuck.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): Continue.
TURLOUGH: I'm trying. It won't move.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): The break-up is beginning. I can sense it. Remove the space-time element!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough? Oh, no. Doctor!
DOCTOR: What is it?
TEGAN: Quickly!
TEGAN: What is it?
DOCTOR: We're in trouble. I'll explain later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: What was Nyssa working on?
TEGAN: Nothing that could have caused this.
DOCTOR: The rotor's jamming. Well, there's a safety cut out.
TURLOUGH: Is Nyssa safe?
DOCTOR: Well, we'll see. I'm trying to refocus the exterior viewer on the interior of the TARDIS.
TEGAN: It's just a mess.
DOCTOR: Dimensional instability, that's the danger. Nyssa!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Nyssa, can you hear me?
NYSSA: Yes!
DOCTOR (OOV.): Stay well back. There's nothing you can do. Nyssa?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What's that? I saw something just for a moment.
DOCTOR: Oh, no. The outside universe is breaking through.
TEGAN: Look!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Look behind you, Nyssa.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Go through, Nyssa. It's your only chance.
TEGAN: Where are you sending her?
DOCTOR: I don't know, but if she stays in the room, she'll die.
DOCTOR: Nyssa, if you can hear me,
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Keep moving. Keep moving, Nyssa. Stay ahead of it. If you don't, it will kill you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What's that?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
TURLOUGH: Where does that door lead to?
DOCTOR: Another spacecraft.
TEGAN: Look!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Where did the other spacecraft come from?
DOCTOR: The TARDIS found it. There's a fail-safe. On impending break-up, it seeks out and locks onto the nearest spacecraft.
TEGAN: You never mentioned it before.
DOCTOR: Well, it never worked before.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Well?
DOCTOR: She's gone. Stay there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Nyssa's gone.
TURLOUGH: What was that?
TEGAN: The Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Doctor? Doctor?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARDIAN: Follow them.
TURLOUGH: I can't.
GUARDIAN: Follow, and kill him!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH (OOV.): Tegan?
TURLOUGH: I wonder how that happened.
TEGAN: It seems we have no choice. We go on.
DOCTOR: What have I sent you into, Nyssa?
TEGAN: Come on, we can catch up with the Doctor. Come on!
DOCTOR: Nyssa.
NYSSA: Doctor!
NYSSA: Where are we?
DOCTOR: I think it's some sort of old passenger liner.
NYSSA: And those things?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, some people have the strangest ideas about decor. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS.
KARI: Check the air seal.
OLVIR: Secure.
TEGAN: I'm positive that was Nyssa calling.
TURLOUGH: You heard something. Your imagination did the rest.
TEGAN: Maybe.
TURLOUGH: Let's go back.
TEGAN: No!
TURLOUGH: Oh, no.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: The whole ship's rigged to run on automatic, yet there's atmosphere. It doesn't fit the briefing at all.
OLVIR: So what? We're only here for the cargo.
KARI: Would it really surprise you if there weren't any? This ship is dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Ah. I don't remember this. We must have taken a wrong turn.
NYSSA: What is it?
DOCTOR: A massive plug. The hull must have been damaged at some time.
NYSSA: It's still soft.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Come on, we'll try, er, this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: Advance party to raider. We're coming back. This isn't the ship you described.
OLVIR: We can't go back if he doesn't link with the airlock.
DOCTOR (OOV.): Er, this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: We're lost, aren't we.
DOCTOR: Certainly not.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Oh, dear. So sorry, I didn't know it was private.
KARI: That's all right. We're in the mood for company.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VOICE (OOV.): Help me.
TURLOUGH: Over there.
VOICE (OOV.): Help me.
TEGAN: That's Nyssa!
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR: Kill them. We've enough problems.
KARI: Be quiet. If you're not members of the crew, how did you get here?
DOCTOR: We have a ship of our own.
OLVIR: So they're after the cargo, too.
KARI: Are you?
DOCTOR: Unarmed?
OLVIR: Kari.
KARI: Watch them.
OLVIR: That's our ship! He's running out on us!
KARI: Shut up.
KARI: Advance party to raider. Come in, raider. Come in. ... Is this your work?
DOCTOR: Hardly.
DOCTOR: Neither is that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Engines.
VOICE (OOV.): Please help me.
TEGAN: Hold on, Nyssa. We must find something to lever the door open.
TURLOUGH: Let's get out of here.
TEGAN: Find a pry bar. Now!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough, it's moving!
TURLOUGH: On my way.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TURLOUGH: I'm coming!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TEGAN: Turlough
TEGAN: Help me!
TURLOUGH: Are you all right? I found the doorway to the TARDIS.
TEGAN: Where?
TURLOUGH: This way. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Who are they?
DOCTOR: Raiders, by the look of it. Probably an advance party to open the airlocks.
KARI: You say you have a ship?
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: I'm commandeering it.
DOCTOR: I think not.
DOCTOR: Stop bluffing. You haven't got a chance. Listen to the engines. Alignment manoeuvres. We're docking with another ship.
KARI: Then I'm asking you, will you take us off this ship?
DOCTOR: If you put the guns away, please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
TANNOY: All decks stand by. All decks stand by. This is a special announcement from Terminus Incorporated.
DOCTOR: I think we should get out of here. Follow me.
TANNOY: Primary docking alignment procedures are now complete. Passengers with mobility should prepare to disembark.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TANNOY: Anyone failing to disembark will be removed. Sterilisation procedures will then follow.
TANNOY: There is no return. This is Terminus.
OLVIR: Wait a minute.
KARI: Olvir?
OLVIR: I know where we are.
KARI: Where?
TEGAN: They're everywhere.
TURLOUGH: Give me a hand. Come on, quickly.
OLVIR: Now we know, don't we? Now we know what its all about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR: This is Terminus, where all the lazars come to die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR (OOV.): We're on a leper ship! We're all going to die!


Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Uh..
Leonard: Sure
Penny: Okay, Priya?
Priya: Uh, I'll have the Shepherd's Pie. You want to split that with me?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.
Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
Leonard: So, no, on the Shepherd's Pie. Can we move on?
Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.
Leonard: Sea bass. I'll have the sea bass.
Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: Kill me.
Sheldon: It wouldn'help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Bernadette: Guys, sorry I'm late. I have amazing news.
Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard's faulty digestive system?
Leonard: So, what's your news, Bernadette?
Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I'm getting my PhD.
Penny: Oh!
Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.
Penny: Wow, so that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.
Howard: Congratulations, honey.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how's it feel knowing that when you two get married, you'll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette's last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.
Howard: Please, this isn't about me. I'm proud of you.
Bernadette: Well, you'll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They're gonna pay me a buttload of money!
Howard: What?
Leonard: Bernadette, that's great. Howard, do you make a buttload?
Howard: Better than what you've got a buttload of.
Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything's peachy. If you do it, you're still not a doctor.
Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not peachy. Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Raj (earphones in, singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can't solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby. Ice, Ice, baby. (Removes headphones and goes to refrigerator).
Priya (off): Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard (off): You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for inspection.
Priya (off): Shh, my brother's going to hear you.
Leonard (off): Relax, he's got headphones on. And we're ten miles above Earth in a starship.
Raj: Really, ten miles? You're orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.
Priya (off): I can't believe I'm wearing my brother's Halloween costume.
Leonard (off): I can't believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.
Raj: Okay, gotta go.
Scene: Howard's house.
Howard: Hey, what's up?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No, Ma! It's Raj!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): He's a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!
Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody's a doctor but me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Well, whose fault is that?
Howard: What's up?
Raj: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
Howard: Sure, but I'm going out with Bernadette. It'll just be you and my mother.
Raj: I guess that's okay.
Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!
Raj: She's kidding, right?
Howard: I don't know, she's pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?
Sheldon: It's a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.
Amy: Have you considered massage?
Sheldon: I'd like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
Sheldon: Rotating.
Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?
Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I've never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
Sheldon: There's someone at my door.
Amy: That doesn't interest me. Goodbye.
Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek s*x with my sister.
Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I'll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.
Raj: Oh, don't bother. I'll just sleep in Leonard's room.
Sheldon: No, I can't authorize that.
Raj: Well, he's in my bed. Why can't I be in his?
Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.
Raj: Come on, dude, I'm exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.
Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Raj: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Leonard enters, and accidentally sits on Raj. Both exclaim.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping.
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would've slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
Leonard: Oh, you heard?
Raj: Scotty, I need more power.
Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?
Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?
Raj: Oh, my God, she's that Mona? Why can't you and my sister spend your nights here?
Leonard: We tried. She doesn't get along with Sheldon.
Raj: Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon. It's still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.
Leonard: Okay, well, how about this. Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I'll stay at your apartment.
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard: Why?
Leonard: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I'm not threatened by my fiancée's success. I'm proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.
Leonard: Until you have kids.
Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You're okay to stay for a while.
Raj: When did you take my blood?
Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I'd follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.
Raj: What the hell is this?
Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.
Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.
Sheldon: As your friend, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Please sign.
Raj: Did you sign this?
Leonard: There's a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.
Raj: Well, that seems fair.
Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here's your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.
Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.
Sheldon: Also, you're tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You'll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here's the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.
Leonard: No backsies.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Sheldon, dinner!
Sheldon: What is this?
Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.
Sheldon: Remarkable. I'm just realizing how much Leonard's been skating by all these years.
Raj: It's not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.
Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. Wow! What's with the fancy spread?
Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.
Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new Homo in town. That came out wrong.
Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where's Leonard?
Raj: He's living at my place, so I'm living here.
Sheldon: You're living here provisionally. But I must say it's looking good.
Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That's big.
Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that's the headline.
Raj: It's a good thing.
Scene: Bernadette's bedroom.
Howard: So do you know what kind of research you'll be doing at this pharmaceutical company?
Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it's not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.
Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn't have to.
Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.
Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?
Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: More wine?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I've had way too much already.
Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about alcohol.
Penny: Hit me.
Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys.
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.
Penny: Okay, explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that?
Raj: Well, it's a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment.
Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard's a noisy little dude in the sack.
Raj: Every night.
Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing?
Raj: It's my sister. Can we not talk about this any more?
Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare, It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends, and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story, I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.
Raj: To friendship.
Sheldon (off): Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking? And the answer was elephant!
Scene: Raj's apartment. Leonard and Priya are kissing.
Leonard: Mmm. Mmm.
Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we're kissing, not eating hot soup.
Leonard: Sorry.
Priya (computer tone): That's my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don't we just tell them that we're dating?
Priya: Oh, we've been through this. It's not the time.
Leonard: When is the time?
Priya: I've got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I'll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.
Leonard: Fine.
Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City. Is that close to you?
Priya: No.
Mrs Koothrappali: Where is your brother?
Priya: Out with friends.
Dr Koothrappali: I don't like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.
Mrs Koothrappali: I'll sleep so much better when you move back here next month.
Leonard: You're moving back to India?
Dr Koothrappali: Who's that?
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, my God! There's someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!
Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?
Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh's friend Leonard.
Dr Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
Priya: He has many friends.
Dr Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
Mrs Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?
Leonard: She's lying because she doesn't want you to know we're dating.
Priya: Leonard!
Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you're moving back to India, we're obviously breaking up.
Priya: You know what? I don't want to deal with this right now.
Leonard: So. Hot in India?
Dr Koothrappali: Of course it is. It always is. It's India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Leonard: Uh. That is a beautiful tapestry.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Raj and Penny are in bed.
Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can't talk to me?
Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
Leonard: Priya's going back to India.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you're not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?
Howard: I've been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him. Penny (entering room dishevelled, with a half naked Raj behind): Damn.
Leonard: What's going on?
Penny: Oh. It's, it's not what it looks like.
Sheldon: What does it look like?