EXT. CRU
Casey : So, if the light we're seeing is millions of years old, then the stars might already be dead.
Max : But it's not just the stars that are in the past. It's everything. Even you looking at me now.
Casey : So, you're not you?
Max : No, I'm me. But you're seeing me one billionth of a second ago.
Casey : So... everything is history and relationships are just memories.
Max : Except for the light.
Casey : Which is in its own present, our past and someone else's future.
Max : The Hawking of Hearts.
Casey : You know what that means?
ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Casey just wakes up. She was dreaming...
Casey : What? Why are you staring at me?
Ashleigh : You were making out with your pillow.
Casey : No, I wasn't!
Ashleigh : Must have been an awesome dream. You were drooling.
Casey : I don't drool! Much. KT HOUSE - Living room
Rusty : All right. Lightning round. Loves rainy sunday mornings, is a Pisces, and can't live without cuts two, three and eight from "The Best of Sting". Ferret.
Pickle : He is such a romantic.
Rusty : Afraid of apricots?
Ben Bennett : Wingnut!
Pickle : That's Heath.
Rusty : Heath is correct. Wingnut?
Ben Bennett : This active recognition test is gonna be tough. I mean, likes, dislikes, embarrassing secrets...
Pickle : I know more about the actives now than I ever wanted to know.
Rusty : Except for this guy. Joshua Whopper.
Pickle : Isn't that the guy who's always carrying a knife?
Rusty : Whoever it is, we better figure it out or we're scrubbing toilets until initiation.
Beaver : Empty your wallets.
Ben Bennett : Why?
Heath : Lunch buffet.
Rusty : You're shaking us down for a strip club?
Beaver : It's not just any strip club. It's Gentlemen's Choice. We need to make a Cappie trip.
Rusty : Last time Cappie went to the strip club was when he was... Oh, no.
Heath : No one mentions Rebecca.
Rusty : Hey, Cap, so you broke up with Reb...
Ben Bennett : You weren't supposed to...
Cappie : What's going on?
Beaver : Nothing. Why?
Cappie : Beaver. I'm fine.
Pickle : So, I can get my money back then?
Beaver : No.
Cappie : Any last minute questions on the active recognition test? ART's in two days.
Rusty : I have one. I took the liberty of downloading National's list of current actives.
Ben Bennett : Suck up.
Rusty : There's an active on the list no one has ever seen. Or ever met. Who's Joshua Whopper?
Cappie : Extra points for being industrious, Spitter, but don't worry about him. He's not on the test.
Rusty : OK, yeah, but according to the rules of the Arts, each pledge must know every active.
Cappie : But not Joshua. Trust me. Leave the Whopper alone. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room
Ashleigh : Rebecca's been eating her feelings since 7:00 this morning. It's her second box of cereal.
Casey : I wonder if she'll give away her clothes. I wouldn't mind that Marc Jacobs cocktail dress. It was already pretty tight on her.
Ashleigh : She and Cappie broke up.
Casey : What? Really?
Ashleigh : Looking for a job is way harder than I thought. What about babysitting?
Casey : And what about your irrational fear of little people?
Ashleigh : Good point.
Casey : You know, I'm actually thinking of hiring an astronomy tutor.
Ashleigh : I could help. I love looking at the stars Casey :. That's what I thought the class was going to be about when I signed up for it. But all we're learning about is black holes, dark matter, alternative universes.
Ashleigh : Why don't you drop it?
Casey : I still need one science course for general ed. So, who do you think I can get to help me?
Ashleigh : Ivy took it last semester.
Casey : Ivy? I think we're in a fight or something.
Ashleigh : What about Rusty? He's science-y.
Casey : And that worked out so well the last time.
Ashleigh : Oh, wait. What about Max?
Casey : Max? Rusty's friend Max.
Ashleigh : He must know all about astronomy. He worked for NASA or something I think.
Casey : He's probably pretty busy.
Ashleigh : Yeah, you're right.
Casey : Still, it couldn't hurt to ask. Thanks. KT HOUSE - Hallway
Ben Bennett : Joshua Whopper looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.
Rusty : You see the problem?
Pickle : The 16th president of the United States was a Kappa Tau?
Rusty : Guys, get the fact that Abe is about 200 years old and was not a Kappa Tau. This is a trap. We have no idea who Joshua Whopper is. Which means, when Cappie said, "Trust me," he probably meant, "Don't trust me. Which means Josh Whopper is going to be on the active recognition test. And after every one of us fails we're going to be breaking out the gas masks, Hazmat suits, and we're gonna go on porcelain patrol until initiation. We gotta find the Whopper.
Ben Bennett : How do we do that?
Pickle : We look for a guy with a beard and a funny hat. CRU - Max's room
Max : Oh. It's you.
Casey : Yes. And you're you? You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.
Max : Would... Actually, I was thinking about... That's not really relevant now. So...
Casey : I really need a tutor for Intro to Astronomy. And I know it's not your major specifically, but Rusty mentioned you had some connection to NASA. Which got me thinking... I really need help with the class. Max... NASA... So I'm here.
Max : Maybe this isn't such a good idea. It didn't go too well with blackjack and Casino Night.
Casey : Well, I'm big on second chances. Actually, I'm big on third and fourth chances, too.
Max : Could you do tonight? 8:00 here?
Casey : Sounds... intimate.
Max : Well, it's just... where I live. CRU - Administration
Pickle : Excuse me, Miss Brown? Sorry. I'm the new guy. And I don't want to be a nark or anything, but I just saw a woman from admissions throw away her recycle bin 'cause she said she hated the Earth.
Woman : Was it Constance? Big redhead? Show me, please. Thank you. I can't stand her. I mean, who does that? I've talked to her before about this... While Pickle and the woman leave, Rusty and ben Bennett come...
Rusty : Password protected.
Ben Bennett : How long is this gonna take you to hack in?
Rusty : Well, with the 256 bit encryption and double coded keys, between two hours and never. I need her password. Uh... Jordan. Sarah... Arlo...
Ben Bennett : Hey, you know what I always do? I always tape my password to my top drawer.
Rusty : No one does that anymore.
Both : Password.
Rusty : All right, we're in. Joshua Whopper. Physics 405, English Lit 320, Chemistry 401. Straight A's?
Ben Bennett : Wait a second. There's a Kappa Tau that's smarter than you?
Rusty : Yeah, it appears so. And he has a class tomorrow at Lasker Parks Hall. Let's go.
MICHAEL'S HOME
Calvin : "40 Year Old Virgin" is a masterpiece. Although "Knocked Up" runs a close second.
Michael : But don't you think Judd Apatow's movies can be... a little misogynistic, kind of homophobic?
Calvin : Was it the chest waxing thing?
Michael : No, it was the "you know how I know you're gay" thing. It objectifies gay life.
Calvin : So now you're gonna teach me about being gay? If I recall, last night I taught you a few things.
Michael : A point taken. But how many other gay people do you hang out with? I mean, besides me?
Calvin : Is that a trick question? Fine. None.
Michael : Then you have to admit that your world view is slightly limited. Which is... why I was thinking we could go to Gentlemen's Choice.
Calvin : You want to go to a strip club?
Michael : No, the other Gentlemen's Choice. The hottest... Well... only gay bar in Cyprus. We'll meet up with some of my friends, we'll hang out.
Calvin : Trash Judd Apatow...
Michael : You've never been to a gay bar, have you?
Calvin : I just don't really like tight shirts and guys in Daisy Dukes.
Michael : Don't mock what you don't know. Besides, that's not Gentlemen's Choice. Come on. It wouldn't hurt you to actually hang out with other gay people every now and then. Who knows. Maybe you'll even meet a friend or two. It's time to broaden your horizons.
Calvin : Spread my big gay wings?
CRU - Dormtroms
Max : So you break through the line and no one touches you, you keep on rolling. That's inertia. That's Newton's first law of motion. Then you power right through an undersize fullback. That's Newton's second law, force.
Guy : Hell, yeah.
Max : OK. Then the third law. You hit the quarterback, knock him out cold. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Guy : Hell, yeah.
Casey : Max, I was hoping to understand gamma ray bursts.
Max : OK, yeah. That's a rocket of electromagnetic energy created by a collapsing star. Kind of a good and bad thing if one heads our way.
Casey : Bad first.
Max : Well, the world would plunge into darkness, polar ice caps would melt and deep sea creatures would rule the earth.
Casey : And the good?
Max : Well, no more student loans.
Casey : Got it. But that would never happen, right?
Max : Casey. No matter how invested you are in your view of the universe, you have to be prepared for things to change.
Casey : Are we talking about gamma rays or something else?
Max : I don't know... Maybe neither.
EXT. CRU
Rusty : That's not something you see every day.
Ben Bennett : What?
Rusty : Cappie on campus.
CRU - Class
Rusty : Dr. Shapiro?
Teacher : If you have any questions about today's lecture, my office hours are this afternoon from 3:00-5:00.
Rusty : No, I'm fine with today's lecture. Actually, I'm not even in your class. I just had a question about one of your students. I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.
Teacher : It's a lecture class. I don't know everyone individually.
Rusty : Are you sure?
Teacher : Well, anyone with an A in my class doesn't come to office hours. Sorry, gentlemen.
Ben Bennett : Well, we're dead. Cappie's gonna ask us who Joshua Whopper is, and we got zip.
Rusty : Wait. It's crazy. What if Josh... No. Cappie on campus...
Ben Bennett : Why are you talking to yourself? I'm standing right here.
Rusty : OK, Joshua's smart. He's secretive. He has dozens of majors. He hangs out at Lasker Parks Hall. What if Joshua Whopper is Cappie?
EXT. CRU
Ashleigh : Wow. That sounds great. I'm gonna be a naturalist intern.
Casey : You'll have to wear hiking boots.
Ashleigh : So, how was your tutoring session?
Casey : I'm less confused about astronomy and more confused about Max. OK, here it goes. I kind of like him.
Ashleigh : Oh, he's cute. Weird, but cute. So, how was it? Was it all gushy and romantic? Or did he get all science-y and weird?
Casey : Neither. Both. I don't know. Honestly, I'm not sure what happened.
Ashleigh : Wait. He's not just an Evan/Cappie in a dork suit, is he?
Casey : No, that's the strange thing. He's totally unlike Evan or even Cappie. Max is so far outside my normal dating pool, I can't read him at all. It's like all the usual fraternity/sonority dating rituals have been tossed out the window. We're from different planets.
Ashleigh : You need a translator. Someone who can speak both Greek and geek.
KT HOUSE - Cappie's room
Cappie : French maid, hers. Amazon princess, hers.
Rusty : What happened with you and Rebecca?
Cappie : We figured we were headed in different directions, so better to cut it off now before anyone got hurt. Devil temptress, hers. Super chick. That's mine. Where are the bracelets?
Rusty : And you're OK?
Cappie : You mean do I need to go and get hammered at Gentlemen's Choice, pay a bunch of naked girls to pretend they love me? No. That sounds like fun.
Rusty : You're not joshing me?
Cappie : Nope. I'm not joshing you. Oh, let's see. Margaret Thatcher. Mine.
Rusty : Margaret Thatcher was one whopper of a prime minister? Maybe she was listening to Josh Groban, watching Judge Wapner.
Cappie : I'll bite.
Rusty : I know who Joshua Whopper is.
Cappie : No. You don't.
Rusty : Oh, yeah, I do. Dozens of majors, secretive about his name, smarter than he lets on and he was walking out of Lasker Parks Hall. I saw him. He's you. You're him.
Cappie : Rusty, you don't want to go there.
Rusty : Why not? I figured it out, didn't I? I know your real name.
Cappie : You don't. Because if you dug a little deeper, Nancy Drew, you would have discovered that Joshua Whopper has been a student at CRU since 1984, which just so happens was a dark time for the Kappa Taus. "Thanks to the invention of the microchip, CRU was finally able to track grades by computer. And the administration began to enforce Greek minimum grade point averages. It didn't appear that the Kts would survive. The only person in the house making grades was a pledge. Lasker Parks, a computer science geek."
Rusty : Lasker Parks? He invented the...
Cappie : Uh, Spitter, don't interrupt. "So, Lasker enlisted his pledge class for help. They stole the password to the university mainframe and for their pledge project they created Joshua Whopper, a computer program. A safeguard to ensure that the Kts will never again fall prey to grade standards. Every semester the program chooses random large classes and enrolls Joshua Whopper and awards him an A."
Rusty : So, the less attention Joshua Whopper gets, the better.
Cappie : Yeah. And don't tell the pledges about him. This is something you're supposed to learn as an active.
Rusty : Well, why do we even need him? It's...
Cappie : Have you seen our grades? Without Josh they would have shut us down years ago. So, you understand why this has to remain a secret?
Rusty : Totally. Oh. Hey, you forgot this.
Cappie : Nope. That's mine.
EXT. CRU
Ashleigh : So, it turns out a food service coordinator is actually...
Calvin : The guy who makes the French fries.
Ashleigh : Exactly. Which is why I told him I'd go broke keeping my pores clean.
Calvin : I'm sure they understood.
Ashleigh : I know, right? Plus, if I took the job I'd have even less time to see you.
Calvin : Yeah, I know. It has gotten pretty intense with Michael and me.
Ashleigh : I knew you guys would hit it off. Hey, why don't we all go to Dobler's tonight? You treat this time and then I'll pay when I get a... Maybe... Maybe I could be a bouncer.
Calvin : I'm actually hanging out with Michael tonight.
Ashleigh : That's... good.
Calvin : But you should come.
Ashleigh : Really?
Calvin : Yeah. I wouldn't mind the company. We're going to Gentlemen's Choice.
Ashleigh : The strip club?
Calvin : No, the other one.
Ashleigh : Oh. Yay !
CRU - Dale & Rusty's room
Dale : ... is afraid of the color green, has never eaten chicken, and likes to chase geese?
Rusty : Jeremy.
Dale : Dude, do you honestly want these guys to be your brothers? I don't even know how most of these kids got into CRU. And what kind of parents name their kid Ferret?
Rusty : You promised not to disparage.
Dale : I'm sorry. I'm just not impressed, that's all. Here's a winner. "Barks at parked cars."
Rusty : That's Pillbox.
Dale : Sadly correct. This guy has some promise. Smart, stable, good family life. Real name?
Rusty : I don't know. I give up.
Dale : Joshua Whopper. Someone knock on door...
Rusty : I think we're done.
Dale : Who is this guy? Is he smarter than me? Rusty opens the door...
Dale : Hey, Casey. Just... helping out your little brother here. You know, 'cause I care.
Casey : Rusty, can I talk to you for a sec? In private?
Rusty : Sure.
Dale : No, no. You guys don't have to leave. I'll just, uh, listen to my music. You know, meditate. Expand my mind.
Rusty : What's up?
Casey : Rusty. There's someone on the honors engineering floor who I kind of like.
Rusty : Here?
Casey : I kind of like... Max.
Rusty : I should warn him.
Casey : What do you mean?
Rusty : 'Cause you date like Sherman marched, Casey. With scorched Earth and broken spirits left in your wake.
Casey : OK, A: ouch, and B: all I need you to d is find out if he likes me. That's it.
Rusty : That's just way too junior high dating strategy.
Casey : How would you know?
Rusty : OK, A: ouch. And B: because I read your diary.
Casey : Fine. Please, Rusty. Please, Rusty, please!
Rusty : OK. Stop, stop. All right, I'll do it.
Casey : I knew I could count on you, little brother.
Rusty : I'm the best.
Casey : Yes, you are. Casey leaves...
Dale : Max? Really? The guy's a freakin' loser. KT HOUSE - Hallway Someone ring the frontdoor bell...Cappie opens the door...
Woman : Hi. I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.
Cappie : Why would you... Why would you need to do that?
Woman : I'm Claire Golan, Dr. Shapiro's TA, and after some students came to Dr. Shapiro looking for him she checked her midterms. His test is missing, which means Dr. Shapiro's gonna kill me.
Cappie : Well, Claire, I'm sorry to hear that, but it was nice knowing you.
Woman : Then she'll take it to the Gender Studies Review Board, then the Academic Review Board.
Cappie : All those people will have to meet Joshua Whopper?
Woman : Yes, they would. Unless I can get this all cleared up.
Cappie : Today's your lucky day, because... I'm Joshua Whopper.
Woman : You are? Great. Then would tonight be OK, 9:00?
Cappie : Sure. For what?
Woman : For the make up midterm. While the material's still fresh?
Cappie : Tonight, tonight?
Woman : That's so cool of you. You're a total lifesaver.
Cappie : Hey, Claire, I'm taking two gender studies classes with Dr. Shapiro. Which one is this again?
Woman : The Phallus. CRU - Max's room
Rusty : So, you're tutoring my sister now?
Max : Yeah, we only did it once. No, I mean tutoring. I'm not... I didn't... I wasn't saying that...
Rusty : OK, thank you. Good to know.
Dale : I've won a lot of awards too, Max. A lot bigger than the... National Science Foundation gold medal.
Max : Oh, that one. I assisted Professor Lowy with his work on fuel cell technology. Dale, maybe you can answer this. Why do they always put the environmental awards on the wooden plaques?
Dale : Nobody likes a show-off, Max.
Rusty : But with all that studying and tutoring, I bet you don't have much time to date.
Max : No. Not really.
Dale : European Science Foundation Legion of Honor?
Max : Ah, the Neues Schloss Hotel in Zurich is pretty cool.
Rusty : It's hard to tell if they like you as much as you like them. So you test the waters...
Max : Agreed. Maybe... maybe it'd be smart to... ask a family member. See if the other person's interested...
Dale : For heaven's sake, will somebody just say what they really mean? Max, I demand to know your intentions.
Max : Is he all right?
Rusty : Apparently not. Who's that? She's pretty. Is that your sister?
Max : Girlfriend.
Dale : Thank you. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room
Casey : I don't get it. I asked him to tutor me. Why didn't he just say he had a girlfriend?
Rusty : Why would he do that?
Casey : You're kidding, right? Asking him to tutor me meant I was interested in going out. If he has a girlfriend he should have said no.
Rusty : What would you say if you just wanted him to help you with your class?
Casey : That I wanted him to tutor me. You really didn't pay very close attention to my diary. You know what? I'm bowing out before this gets super complicated. This is what you get when you try to date amateurs. Will you make sure Max gets it? I owe him for an hour of tutoring. Rusty's cellphone rings...
Rusty : Hey, Cap ! What's, uh... OK, I'll be right there. A few minutes later...In the dining room...
Ashleigh : Looks like we have a 1066 here.
Rebecca : Serial killer?
Ashleigh : Major crime alert. I'm thinking of becoming a student security officer.
Rebecca : Their uniforms are hideous.
Ashleigh : OK, you know what you need?
Rebecca : A bigger spoon?
Ashleigh : An evening out with me and Calvin at Gentlemen's Choice.
Rebecca : The strip club?
Ashleigh : No. The other one.
Rebecca : I'll take a pass. I'm not in the mood to hang out in a bar packed with guys.
Ashleigh : But these guys are exactly what you need. Gay bars are tailor made for depressed straight girls. There's lots of great music, hot guys that don't hit on you, and all night they tell you you're fabulous. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room
Rusty : All right, lightning round. Who said a male's masculinity is defined by his relationship with not only his but a woman's phallatical display?
Cappie : I have no idea, but it sounds kind of he-she.
Rusty : No offense, but we're screwed. This books are scary thick and I can't even wrap my head around the class description in the syllabus. "The thrust of the phallus is how perceptions of masculinity affect psycho, social and interpersonal relationships."
Cappie : Rusty, don't go soft on me.
Rusty : Cap, I'm beat. This class is really hard. I just can't cram it in fast enough.
Cappie : All right. We need a helping hand. Reach under those books.
Rusty : What are you thinking?
Cappie : We get everybody in here, we bang our heads together, everyone pitches in. If Joshua Whopper's going down he's not taking the rest of us with him. Clearly we've all taken gender roles for granted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KT HOUSE - Living room
Beaver : I've never had such clarity before. Maybe we'd be better brothers if we treated each other as sisters.
Heath : An open exchange of feelings.
Beaver : Sadly, it appears our phalluses have led us astray.
Cappie : I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you, too.
Beaver : Now I know I have a heart... because it's breaking.
Cappie : And, uh... I think I'm gonna miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
Rusty : I'm going with you.
Cappie : Right. Sorry.
Heath : Hey, Beav, are you... Are you crying?
Beaver : Yes, and I don't care. But I didn't get you anything.
Ben Bennett : Later. Just take a sip.
Pickle : We were thinking about going to the backyard, just blowing some stuff up.
All : Yes! ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway
Max : Hey, Casey? Sorry to bother you. I came to return your check. I can't cash it.
Casey : I had a feeling you weren't going to make this easy.
Max : No, it's not...
Casey : Look. I gave you a check. It's yours. Do what you want. Consider it a lovely parting gift. Clearly, you have some issues. You need to work them out, and I wish you luck with those.
Max : No, Casey, you didn't sign the bottom of it.
Casey : Right. Great. So I'll just get a pen, then.
Max : Casey, wait. He Kisses her...
Max : Hmm...Bye... ZBZ HOUSE - Casey& Ashleigh's room
Casey : And then he just left. No, fled. Fled is more the word. He does that a lot. He's so weird. I don't even know why I care.
Ashleigh : Well, how was it?
Casey : What? The kiss? It was... great. Really great. Which pisses me off even more.
Ashleigh : Why?
Casey : Because even with all those brains he's just Evan in a dork suit. He has a girlfriend, remember?
Ashleigh : Well, maybe he's looking to turn his twosome into a threesome.
Casey : Max? Please. He's the sweetest... least corruptible guy in the world.
Ashleigh : It's always the quiet ones.
Casey : Well, then I'm just gonna yell at him, Ash. Perfect. Where are you going?
Ashleigh : Calvin is meeting Rebecca and I at Gentlemen's Choice. Do you want to come? You're going with Calvin to a strip club?
Casey : No, the other one. GENTLEMEN'S CHOICE (The Other One)
Michael : What do you think?
Calvin : It's not so scary. Kind of nice.
Michael : And maybe you'll find another gay guy on the planet to talk to.
Calvin : Yeah. Chances of that are highly unlikely.
Michael : I got it.
Calvin : Heath.
Heath : Hey. Calvin.
Calvin : Heath, this is my boyfriend, Michael.
Michael : Hi, Michael. You guys know each other?
Heath : Yeah. I'm a Kappa Tau. He's an Omega Chi. We're like, locked in mortal combat.
Michael : Mortal enemies. I got it.
Ashleigh : Calvin ! Hey ! You want to go this way?
Michael : Hey, Calvin. The plan was for you to hang out with gay guys, not straight girls.
Calvin : I know, but Ashleigh called me and said Rebecca needed a pick-me-up. Bad breakup.
Michael : Say no more. Me and my buddies will handle it.
Calvin : So, where's Greg?
Heath : I don't know. We broke up about a month ago.
Calvin : You broke up with Greg.
Heath : Yeah.
Guy : Can't we take the night off?
Michael : Duty calls. If straight guys weren't so insensitive then we wouldn't be left to pick up the pieces. But they are so this is part of the job. OK, go.
Gay Guy : Oh, my God. You two look so fabulous. And crazy hot. Are you gonna dance with me or am I gonna have to call my friends over for some help?
Rebecca : We'll dance.
Ashleigh : See?
Heath : First time here?
Calvin : Yeah, first time.
Heath : What do you think?
Calvin : It's OK. Michael wanted me to make some new friends. Preferably ones that weren't into Judd Apatow.
Heath : You know how I know you're gay?
Both : You're in Gentlemen's Choice. CRU - Class
Cappie : Then Lacan stated that man finds satisfaction for his demand for love in the relation with the woman. And as much as the signifier of the phallus constitutes her as giving in love, which she does not have.
Rusty : Yes. What about Furhagen?
Cappie : The relationship between man and woman beyond the phallus is the very same as the relationship between the subject and the real of its body.
Rusty : Yes, yes. What about...?
Cappie : You know, Spitter, the answer to every question is the same. The phallus half of the relationship has a tendency to screw things up.
Rusty : Cap?
Cappie : I couldn't step up for Rebecca. I couldn't change. She need more. She need real support and I couldn't give it to her. So... I miss her. EXT. Calhoun Hall
Casey : There you are. Hey, tutor. I just have one last question. Did you think that kissing me would make me somehow want you more? Who do you think you are?
Max : That's two questions.
Casey : Regardless of what you might have heard, I'm no longer about crazy, dysfunctional triangles. I'm not going to be a one man girl to a guy who's a two girl man. I mean, why can't anyone just have a normal relationship? Is that so difficult?
Max : No.
Casey : What would your girlfriend say if she knew what you were up to?
Max : She's not exactly my girlfriend anymore.
Casey : If she's not exactly your girlfriend anymore, then why would you call her your girlfriend to Rusty? And why do you keep a picture of her? Did she break your heart or something?
Max : Yeah.
Casey : I get it. It's tough. Trust me. I am the queen of not letting go. But you've got to move on.
Max : My girlfriend's dead.
Casey : Good progress. I know it seems harsh, but admitting that she's dead to you is the first step to moving on. You know, I had to do the same thing with my last boyfriend. It's not like we don't all have old ghosts.
Max : My girlfriend, she really is dead. We met freshman year in the dorms. And then just before junior year she discovered this tiny lump on her neck. That's when it started.
Casey : I'm sorry, Max. When did she die?
Max : About six months ago.
Casey : You know, when I was 17, Rusty had this cat that nobody liked. Nobody except for him. She was kind of a cross between a Bengal and an actual Bengal tiger. The day I was nominated for prom queen I wanted to celebrate, so I borrowed my mom's car. And I hadn't driven much, so I was nervous. Then when I pulled out of the garage...
Max : You drove over the cat.
Casey : And I just compared a dead cat to your girlfriend who died of cancer. It's just I've never... known anyone who died. Except for Rusty's cat.
Max : It's OK. You're not the first person who's done it.
Casey : Do people talk about cats?
Max : I get a lot of different reactions when I talk about her. Which is usually why I try to just avoid the subject all together. It's... It's still tough. You know? And I guess that's why I haven't really gone out with anyone since she died.
Casey : Got you.
Max : Casey. I don't think now is a good time. And it's not you feeling weird. It's me too. I thought I would be over her, ready to move on. But the more I'm... more I'm around you, the more I think of her. And I just... I like thinking about her.
Casey : Well, maybe we should both just say good night. Good night, Max. KT HOUSE - Basement
Cappie : What is Beaver's favorite color?
Rusty : Chartreuse.
Beaver : Reminds me of beer.
Heath : Why do we call Brother Doug "Corn Nuts?"
Rusty : Myrtle Beach. He went out for a salty ocean swim, laid out naked and roasted his... corn nuts.
Beaver : OK, last question, Pledge Spitter. Cappie is your big brother. Tell us something about him that only you would know that you've learned in the last 24 hours.
Rusty : Cappie's not Joshua Whopper.
Cappie : They gout. My clean a bruder.
Beaver : Turn around!
EXT. CRU
Michael : What do you want to do tonight?
Calvin : I suppose watching Superbad would be out of the question?
Michael : If you agree to go to a seminar on queer musicology.
Calvin : Yeah, I guess the Apatow Dvds will stay in the closet.
Michael : Then how about Gentlemen's Choice?
Calvin : You know, I liked that.
Michael : Yeah? I noticed. You never mentioned that you knew a Kappa Tau.
Calvin : Heath? We... met during rush, you know. It's no big deal.
Ashleigh comes...
Ashleigh : Oh, my God. I got the job.
Girl : And you can start your first exciting campus tour next week.
Ashleigh : Oh, my god! I have a job! KT HOUSE - Party
Rusty : Hey cap. I'm sorry for messing things up with Joshua Whopper.
Cappie : It's OK.
Rusty : We can always depend on you. You're the one who got the A in Shapiro's make up exam.
Cappie : I got lucky. It actually turned out to be one of the best classes I've never taken.
Rusty : You know, sometimes people can change. It just takes the right person. Even phalluses... can grow.
Cappie : You should be ashamed of yourself, Spittles. To Joshua Whopper. Too bad Joshua couldn't make his own party. After his stellar showing of the phallus, he's back to work doing what he does best. Making our house a little bit better. Because Joshua Whopper embodies the very best of Kappa Tau. He's unselfish, dedicated and he's always willing to put his brothers first. To Joshua Whopper. CRU - Astronomy class
Casey : Andromeda, Pleiades... Orion's belt, Big Dipper, and....
Max : Lyra. Ashleigh said you might be here.
Casey : This is the only part of the class I enjoy. But after a while it all starts looking the same.
Max : The trick to the constellations is to know the stories behind them. Lyra's my favorite. It was the musical instrument of Orpheus, the greatest musician that ever lived.
Casey : I have all his CDs. Kidding.
Max : Do you know the story? So, Orpheus loved one thing more than music and that was Eurydice, the most beautiful girl that ever lived. But she died. She was poisoned. And Orpheus could not live without her. So he went down to Hades to bring her back. The ruler of Hades agreed, but there was a catch. If he turned back to look at her face she'd be gone forever. Just before he got to the surface he heard this rock crash behind him, so he turned back to see if she was all right. And that was it. The gates to the underworld slammed shut she was gone forever.
Casey : That's terrible. What happened to him?
Max : He... He spent the rest of his life wandering the Earth alone.
Casey : Do you want to take a look?
Max : No. I'm not turning back. They kiss....


Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi
All: Hey! Hi!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Rachel: Oh!
Chandler: So, where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!
Joey: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help.
Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up?
Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in.
Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Ross: (whispering) It was ok...
Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.
Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors?
Rachel: Oh... you're so sexy!
Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.
Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.
Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?
Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?
Ross: (he enters) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?
Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning.
Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: These are for Erica!
Ross: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!
Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...
Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!
Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?
Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!
Rachel: Ross...
Ross: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's?
Rachel: My father had an heart attack... (crying) ...while I was at Barney's.
Ross: Oh my God.
Monica: Honey.
Chandler: I'm so sorry...
Ross: Is-is he ok?
Rachel: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated.
Ross: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now.
Rachel: No, come on, I'm totally ok. (hugging him) I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.
Ross: Still-still, let me come... for me.
Rachel: Ok. If you really need to.
Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies.
Rachel: Oh, I really could.
Ross: Oh!
Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]
Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude".
Joey: Je de coup Clow.
Phoebe: Well, just... let's try it again.
Joey: Ok.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je depli mblue.
Phoebe: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying.
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe: It does, really?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.
Joey: Got it.
Phoebe: (slowly) Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.
Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!
Joey: Oh, de fuff!
Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys.
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!
Joey: Hi.
Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!
Chandler: Monica. Calm, self.
Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here!
Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"?
Chandler: Why would you say that?
Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?
Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center...
Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that!
Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby'd better to be really good.
[Scene: Hospital.]
Rachel: (stopping a nurse who's coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
Rachel: Can somebody please go in?
Nurse: Absolutely.
Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him.
Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him!
Ross: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick!
Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out.
Ross: I'm feeling better.
Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?
Ross: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine!
Rachel (leaving): Ok.
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
Ross: Did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
Ross: Ouchy.
Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what's new?
Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.
Ross: Right, is it painful?
Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Dr. Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je do call blue!
Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".
Joey: je.
Phoebe: m'ap
Joey: mah
Phoebe: pelle
Joey: pel.
Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je"
Joey: je.
Phoebe: m'ap
Joey: mah
Phoebe: pelle
Joey: pel.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle!
Joey: Me pooh pooh!
Phoebe: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you!
Joey: What are you doing?
Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)
Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.
[Scene: Green's mansion. Rachel's Room. Rachel's is combing her hair; Ross's coming into the room]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents?
Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great.
Rachel: Oh good.
Ross: Wow.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: What do you mean? You've been in my room before!
Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name.
Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: You had a rough day, uh?
Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick!
Ross: But we do! (pause) It's gonna be ok, Rach!
Rachel: (she's sad) Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!
Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look...
Rachel: What?
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Rachel: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty?
Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.
Rachel: Ok, maybe you're right.
Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night.
Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?
Ross: Sure!
Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross: Oh, of course...
Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room!
Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)
Rachel: I just don't want to be alone tonight.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
Rachel: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we?
Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!
Ross: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go!
Rachel: Wow. Ok.
Ross: I'll see you in the morning (he leaves).
Rachel: Mhm-mh!
Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Haven't had s*x in four months, I should get a medal for that!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Erica have just arrived.]
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.
Monica: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.
Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!
Monica: What is with you?
Chandler: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know.
Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing.
Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.
Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.
Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... (Monica and Chandler look at each other)
Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)
Chandler: That's great.
Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now)
Monica: How's that now?
Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?
Erica: No, he's in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler)
Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful)
Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler's jaws drop) But other than that, he's a great guy.
Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.
(Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now)
Monica: Are you awake?
Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)
Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.
Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
Monica: How?
Chandler: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right?
Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting.
Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!
Tape: Good job.
Joey: Thank you.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.
Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!
Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.
Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?
Phoebe: Well, you're not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)
Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?
Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)
Ross: You sure you're alright?
Rachel: (coldly) Yep.
Ross: (knowing she's not alright) O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)
Rachel: FYI..
Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back)
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy s*x... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...
Rachel: Oh stop that!
Ross: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.
Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross: I gotta say, I have not had s*x a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.
Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)
Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having s*x again.
Rachel: What?
Ross: That's right, s*x is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having s*x with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Hey! How was lunch?
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)
Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really?
Erica: No! (To Monica) You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing.
Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.
Chandler: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it?
Monica: (smiling) No it's not.
Chandler: How do you know?
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in s*x Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!
[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey's on stage and she sits down. He hasn't seen her.]
Director: Whenever you're ready Joey.
Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo.
Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up!
Director: Joey, do you speak French?
Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!
Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Joey: Sa-sa-saw!
Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.)
(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)
Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good?
Director: It was great.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Ross: Emma's down for the night.
Rachel: Oh, good.
Ross: So uh... I guess I wanna take off.
Rachel: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me.
Ross: Oh, no problem.
Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole s*x thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Ross: Thank you. I'm glad you agree.
Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.
Ross: Yeah... Yeah, that's true.
Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...?
Ross: Oh, ye-ah!
Rachel: You know it was you're uhm... birthday...
Ross: ...Valentine's day...
Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah!
Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.
Ross: Hmmm-mmmm.
Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?
Ross: Not even once.
Rachel: No matter how much we want it.
Ross: Even if we want it really bad.
Rachel: That's what we decided.
Ross: Uhm, right!
Rachel: ...It's kinda hard though!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste.
Ross: ...I hate waste.
Rachel: ...Ross?
Ross: Yes?
Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)
Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are "updating" Joey's resumé.]
Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Phoebe: Archery?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Horseback riding?
Joey: Would fall off a lot.
Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: That I can do.
Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
Phoebe: Ready... GO!
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!