•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously...
Buffy and Spike against the wall kissing in "Smashed."
SPIKE VOICEOVER: Last night changed things.
BUFFY: The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. Dawn and Willow walking down the street.
DAWN: Is this the way to the movies? Dawn and Willow coming through the walls into Rack's place.
DAWN: What is this place?
WILLOW: I'll just be a minute. Willow suspended inside a ball of magic.
BUFFY: Willow's into something. Her and Dawn have been missing for hours.
DAWN: Do you know how long I've been out here?
WILLOW: (with black eyes) Let's get outta here. Dawn in the car. The car crashing. Spike and Buffy leading an injured Dawn.
WILLOW: Dawnie, I'm sorry! Dawn slapping Willow. Willow crying.
BUFFY: You could have killed her!
WILLOW: I need help! Willow and Buffy in Willow's bedroom.
WILLOW: No more spells. I'm finished. Warren stealing the diamond from the museum.
WARREN: Got it.
JONATHAN: It's beautiful.
WARREN: Congratulations, Phase One of the plan is now complete.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Teaser
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on a table covered with magical stuff: tarot cards, candles, little bowls and boxes of herbs, etc. A pair of hands comes into the shot and sweeps everything into a cardboard box. Pull back to reveal Buffy. She begins removing pillar candles from the table and putting them in the box too. Reveal Dawn standing by the bookshelf looking at books. Her left arm is in a sling. She puts a book in a box, looks over at Buffy.
DAWN: Candles?! We can't have candles?
BUFFY: Dawn, it's magic clearance. Everything must go. Buffy looks over at Willow, who is sitting cross-legged on the bed. Willow nods.
DAWN: B-but they're just candles!
BUFFY: (sighs, stands up) Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles, but to ... witches they're ... like bongs. Willow nods sadly. Dawn sighs.
BUFFY: So, no candles, no charms ... (walking toward the door to the bathroom) no-
WILLOW: Bird.
BUFFY: (stops walking) No bird?
WILLOW: That peacock on the table. (looks at the side table near Buffy) It has two crystals in it. Buffy picks up the small statue of a bird. She opens it and finds two crystals inside.
WILLOW: Tara, she... (Buffy looking at her) she left them. (Dawn looking at them)
BUFFY: I'll make sure she gets them. Willow nods.
Cut to downstairs. Buffy walks into the living room carrying a cardboard box. She begins walking around, picking up things and putting them in the box. Dawn follows.
BUFFY: (over her shoulder) Dawn, do me a favor, can you grab the fertility god statue on the desk over there?
DAWN: Kokopelli?! No! I love him! And he was Mom's. Buffy puts hands on hips and just looks at Dawn.
DAWN: (upset) Why do we have to get rid of so many things I like?
BUFFY: Dawn, I explained this to you. Willow has a problem. The next few weeks are gonna be ... crazy hard on her as it is. Buffy turns away as she continues talking. Dawn rolls her eyes and turns to pick up the statue.
BUFFY: (on the sofa, moving cushions around) Any reminder of, of what it is that she's trying to stay away from, you know, could cause her to ... give in to temptation. Buffy digs among the sofa cushions and finds something. It's a cigarette lighter. She flips it open and stares at it. Flash to Buffy and Spike in the abandoned building, kissing and slamming each other up against the walls. Flash back to the present. Buffy still stares at the lighter.
BUFFY: And that would be bad. She turns and tosses the lighter into the cardboard box.
Cut to a closeup of the stolen diamond seen through a magnifying glass. A hand takes it out of its black-velvet-lined case and holds it up. Cut out to reveal Warren, wearing safety goggles and sitting at a workbench. A device of some sort, vaguely machine-gun-shaped, is on the bench in front of him. He puts the diamond into a space on top of the device, in the middle of a star shape formed by six metal spikes. He places a glass cover over the diamond.
WARREN: (triumphant) Okay, that's it. It's finally done. Jonathan and Andrew come up behind him to look.
WARREN: I mean, it still needs a trial run, but it's-
JONATHAN: Kind of clunky-looking.
WARREN: What?!
ANDREW: I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.
WARREN: (gets up angrily) You wanna see cool? I'll show you cool. Warren picks up the device. Jonathan and Andrew look alarmed, back away. Warren points the device at them for a moment, then turns away, fiddling with the controls. The device makes a whirring noise as the star-shaped bit on top spins around. A bolt of reddish light shoots out and hits one of the leather chairs on the platform. The chair disappears. The Geeks stare in awe. Andrew pushes past the others and goes over to where the chair was. Jonathan follows slowly.
JONATHAN: Mama! Warren watches with a smirk. Andrew and Jonathan stand on either side of where the chair was. Andrew makes gestures like he's feeling around in the air.
JONATHAN: Did it ... is it...
ANDREW: Yeah. Jonathan grins excitedly, turns and very carefully sits down on the invisible chair. He spins around a few times, giggles crazily. Andrew stares in awe.
JONATHAN: (laughing, to Warren) I'd call that a successful test.
WARREN: Well, that's just half the test. Warren begins flipping switches again. The diamond begins to whirl.
JONATHAN: Hey! Hey! Andrew leaps for cover and Jonathan pulls his arms and legs up to shield himself as Warren zaps him again. The chair reappears. Jonathan looks nervously at his arms, making sure he's still visible, then gets up angrily.
JONATHAN: You pen1s!
WARREN: Oh, cheer up, Frodo. Because thanks to my brains, and our mystical gem, we got ourselves an invisibility ray. (shoulders the weapon) And I'd say that makes us pretty much unstoppable. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Daniel Hagen, and Susan Ruttan. Written and directed by David Fury.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act I
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on Buffy in the kitchen, yelling toward upstairs.
BUFFY: Dawn, come on, you gotta eat breakfast! Xander's gonna be here any second. No response. Buffy sighs, turns back into the kitchen.
BUFFY: She's gonna be late for school again. Willow is at the stove cooking, wearing pajamas. Buffy looks over at her. Close shot of Willow's hands putting bits of ham into a cooking omelet.
BUFFY: How are you doing?
WILLOW: I'm okay. Not 'ready to head back to classes, face the world' okay, but ... the shakiness is only semi now. I thought I'd spend the day fishing the net, for more poop on the, uh, stolen diamond. Dawn enters, her arm still in a sling.
BUFFY: I called you before.
DAWN: (sullen) Didn't hear you. Dawn pours herself a glass of orange juice.
WILLOW: Hey Dawnie, uh, I'm making you a nice omelet.
DAWN: Not hungry. (drinks juice)
BUFFY: Dawn, you need to eat something.
DAWN: Thanks for your concern. Dawn slams her glass down and leaves.
WILLOW: Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but ... why is she taking it out on you?
BUFFY: Because I let it happen.
WILLOW: Buffy, I was the one who-
BUFFY: Who was drowning. My best friend. And I was too wrapped up in my own dumb life to even notice. Suddenly the door from the back porch bursts open. Willow and Buffy look over in surprise as a blanket-covered shape enters, slams the door shut and throws off the blanket, revealing Spike. He straightens up, smoothes down his hair, looks at them.
SPIKE: Morning.
BUFFY: What are you doing? And, here? (Willow returns to cooking)
SPIKE: Just, uh, took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods.
BUFFY: Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll?
SPIKE: Yeah, well, the fact is my lighter's gone missing. Thought it might have, uh, dropped outta my pocket the last time I was here.
BUFFY: Haven't seen it. Buffy turns to the sink. Willow takes the omelet pan and puts it on the counter next to the sink.
WILLOW: I'm, uh, gonna head back to my room, get dressed.
BUFFY: Oh, I... Buffy starts to follow Willow out, but stops. She leans one hand against the island, watches Willow go. Then she turns to Spike with a resigned expression.
BUFFY: Lame.
SPIKE: What?
BUFFY: You. Making up excuses. (goes back to the sink)
SPIKE: Oh, don't flatter yourself, luv. (walking toward her) Bloody fond of that lighter. Buffy turns away from the sink, glares at him.
BUFFY: Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me that.
SPIKE: (walks over to her) So, um ... what should I call you then? Pet? Buffy just looks at him as he leans right up in her face.
SPIKE: (grinning) Sweetheart? My, uh ... (fondling a piece of her hair) little goldilocks? He toys with her hair for a moment with one hand, then the other.
SPIKE: You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you- Buffy suddenly lifts her hand out of the sink, holding a spatula on trajectory toward Spike's face, but he grabs her wrist and stops it.
SPIKE: Ah-ah-ah! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped. His other hand is on her shoulder and now drops down out of shot.
BUFFY: What the hell is that supposed to- Buffy breaks off with a small sigh of pleasure, closing her eyes.
BUFFY: (whispers) Stop that. Spike looks downward, but we still can't see what his hand is doing.
XANDER: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike! Spike and Buffy look over to see Xander standing in the doorway. Buffy quickly shoves Spike's hands off her, drops the spatula into the sink.
XANDER: Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! (Spike and Buffy glaring at him) Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. (Buffy looking insulted) Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a, or a nut sack like Drusilla-
BUFFY: Hey! You really need to get Dawn off to school. Let's go, go fetch her, okay? Buffy walks over to Xander, takes his arm and guides him toward the hallway.
BUFFY: (not turning back) You can let yourself out, right Spike? Spike watches them go with a smirk.
Cut to Buffy and Xander emerging into the foyer.
BUFFY: (calling) Dawn! You better get going, Xander's here!
DAWN: Here. Dawn appears from upstairs.
BUFFY: Okay, you have everything you need?
DAWN: (interrupting) Yep.
BUFFY: And after school, you-
DAWN: Yeah yeah. Let's go, Xander. (walking toward the door)
BUFFY: (intercepting her) You will come straight home.
DAWN: (sarcastic) Sure. Maybe we can find some time for you to (Buffy opens door) get me into another car accident. As the door opens we find a middle-aged woman standing on the front step holding some papers. Buffy gives Dawn a sour look, then notices the woman.
MS. KROGER: (removing her glasses, smiling at Dawn) Oh, good morning. You must be Dawn. (Dawn nods)
BUFFY: Can I help you?
MS. KROGER: I'm Doris Kroger, from Social Services. (displaying her ID badge) We had an appointment?
BUFFY: Oh, for Wednesday.
MS. KROGER: This is Wednesday. Buffy looks at Xander, who nods.
BUFFY: Right! Well ... Dawn, you better... Dawn rolls her eyes in utter adolescent disdain and leaves, pushing past Ms. Kroger.
BUFFY: (sighs) And, and Xander, you'll drive safely?
XANDER: Yes ma'am. Xander follows Dawn out. Ms. Kroger enters the foyer.
MS. KROGER: (smiles at Buffy) Little bit on the tardy side, isn't she?
BUFFY: (closing door) Yeah, well, uh, it's been one of those mornings, you know. (notices that Ms. Kroger has already gone into the living room) Hey, come on in. Ms. Kroger stands in the doorway to the living room, looking around. Buffy walks up beside her.
BUFFY: Sorry about the mess, you know, doing a little house-cleaning. In foreground we see Spike sitting slouched in an armchair.
SPIKE: So, we gonna chat this out, or what?
BUFFY: (nervous) Uh ... now's really not a-a good time. Um, I have company. (indicates Ms. Kroger)
SPIKE: (making himself comfortable) No worries. I'll wait.
MS. KROGER: Um, Miss Summers, if you and your boyfriend would like to-
BUFFY: He is NOT- Spike looks over with a scowl.
BUFFY: (clears throat) Not my, my boyfriend, he's, um, just ... a... Spike looks over at her, waiting to hear what she'll say.
BUFFY: Spike ... this nice woman is, uh, (meaningfully) from Social Services?
SPIKE: Oh, right! (gets up) Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. (Both Buffy and Ms. Kroger smiling) Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
MS. KROGER: (frowning) I'm sorry, did you say-
BUFFY: Crib! (fake laugh) He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang. Ms. Kroger isn't convinced. Buffy walks over to Spike, takes his arm and turns him around.
BUFFY: Uh, Spike, didn't you have to go now, you know, because of that thing?
SPIKE: Uh, thing, yeah. Uh, my blanket. Buffy scowls, picks up the blanket and throws it at him. He catches it, scowls back at her. Faceoff. Shot of Ms. Kroger observing all this with raised eyebrows. Spike turns, still scowling, and exits into the kitchen. Buffy watches him go, looking conflicted. Then puts on a bright smile and turns back to the social worker.
MS. KROGER: He sleeps here?
BUFFY: What? No! No. Oh, uh, the, the, the blanket. That's, um, uh, it's a security thing, you know. He ... has issues. Nope, just me and Dawn living here.
WILLOW: (OS, calling from upstairs) Buffy, I'm not feeling hot, so uh, I'm gonna take a quick nap, okay?
BUFFY: (calling) Okay, Will! Buffy looks nervously at Ms. Kroger, who gives her a questioning look.
BUFFY: That's Willow. She, uh, she kind of lives here too, actually.
MS. KROGER: Oh, so you live with another woman.
BUFFY: Oh! Oh, it's not a, a gay thing, you know, I mean, well... Ms Kroger has noticed the box full of magical stuff to be thrown out. She picks up a plastic baggie containing some herbs.
BUFFY: ...she's gay, but, but we don't ... gay. Not that there's anything - (notices Ms. Kroger looking at the herb) Oh! Wrong with... (rushes over) You know, I know what that looks like, but I, I swear, it's not ... what it looks like. (Ms. Kroger looking shocked) It's *magic* weed. Buffy realizes that came out wrong, grabs the plastic bag from Ms. Kroger and tosses it back in the box.
BUFFY: It's not mine.
MS. KROGER: I think I've seen enough. She turns to leave. Buffy hurries after her.
BUFFY: No, a-actually, I really don't think that you have. It's just ... i-it's been kind of, kind of a, a bad time.
MS. KROGER: It's been a bad time now for a while, hasn't it, Ms. Summers? Your sister's grades have fallen sharply in the last year, due in large part to her frequent absences and lateness.
BUFFY: But there-there are good reasons.
MS. KROGER: Oh, I'm sure there are. But my interest is in Dawn's welfare. And the stability of her home life, something I'm just not convinced that an unemployed young woman like yourself can provide.
BUFFY: I can. I, I do!
MS. KROGER: Well, we'll just have to see about that then, won't we? She goes to the door, stops and turns back.
MS. KROGER: Oh, and I'm, uh, going to recommend immediate probation in my report.
BUFFY: What does that mean?
MS. KROGER: It means that I'll be monitoring you very closely, Ms. Summers. And if I don't see that things are improving, well, I'll be forced to recommend that you be stripped of your sister's guardianship.
BUFFY: You can't do that.
MS. KROGER: (opens the door) I do what is in Dawn's best interest ... as should you. Have a nice day. She goes out the door. Buffy stares after her for a moment, then sighs and closes the door, stands leaning with one hand on the door frame.
SPIKE: Didn't go well, huh? We see Spike standing in the foyer. Buffy turns to face him, leans against the door jamb, sighs.
BUFFY: (quietly) Why won't you go?
SPIKE: (surprised) I just thought you'd want-
BUFFY: (harshly) Get out of here! Spike looks surprised, then angry. He lunges forward and pins Buffy against the wall, one hand on the wall beside her head. Their faces are inches apart. Spike does something with his other hand out of shot and Buffy closes her eyes, breathes heavily. Close shot of Spike's hand inside Buffy's front jeans pocket, moving around. Then he pulls out his lighter and holds it up in front of her face.
SPIKE: Just getting what I came for, luv. He moves in closer as if to kiss her, but then turns away and strides off down the hall toward the kitchen.
SPIKE: (not looking back) So long, goldilocks. Buffy sighs, stands there breathing a little heavily and looking upset. After a moment she moves away from the wall.
Cut to Buffy's room. She walks in, slams the door and leans against it, looking upset, whimpering a little. She puts her face in her hands, then walks forward, shaking her arms and moving her shoulders around. She paces a bit, sits down in front of her vanity table, puts her head in her hands again. Then she lifts her head, looks at herself in the mirror. She turns to open a drawer, searches through it, closes it, opens another drawer, takes out a pair of scissors. She grabs a fistful of her hair and chops it off with the scissors. She drops the hair on the floor and starts cutting off another piece, looking angrily at her reflection. Shot of the locks of hair lying on the carpeted floor.
Cut to close shot of a woman with a wild "tousled" hairdo.
CLEO: Well, I-I think I can work with this. We see that she's standing behind Buffy who sits in a barber's chair, both looking at Buffy in the mirror. Buffy's shorn hair is about shoulder-length and all uneven.
CLEO: What exactly would you like me to do?
BUFFY: Just make me ... different.
Cut to the street, day. Warren emerges from the rear of the Geeks' black van, closes the door and walks around the side of the van, carrying something covered by a cloth. Andrew and Jonathan appear on either side of him, walking. We see that they're in an alley.
ANDREW: I'm scared, what if we get caught?
JONATHAN: No way, we'll be invisible. Plus their security's gotten lax.
WARREN: (chuckles) You should know. You've cased this joint enough. They emerge from the alley onto a main street, turn the corner and approach a large storefront. The sign in the window reads: "Spa, Women Only. Bikini Wax Wednesdays" and a cartoon picture of a woman.
WARREN: Okay, this is it. The Geeks stop walking. Warren faces the others.
WARREN: Remember... Warren removes the black cloth, revealing the invisibility ray gun.
WARREN: ...we're professionals. The others nod uncertainly. Andrew looks away. Long shot of Buffy emerging from the hairdresser's across the street. Her hair is now neatly styled at shoulder-length. She begins to walk across the sidewalk.
ANDREW: (nudging Jonathan nervously) Uh, Slayer!
WARREN: What? Wh-where?
ANDREW: There. Headed this way. Warren turns to look, fearfully. Buffy walks between some parked cars (one minivan with bumper stickers reading "God Bless America" and "United We Stand") and begins to cross the street. Cut back to Warren staring at her. He lifts his hand and suddenly realizes the invisibility ray isn't in it. He turns and realizes that the other two geeks aren't standing behind him any more.
JONATHAN: (OS) Give it!
Cut to the alley just around the corner. Andrew and Jonathan are fighting over the ray gun. Warren runs around the corner and finds them.
ANDREW: No, I need to be invisible!
JONATHAN: I need it more, Buffy can't see me!
WARREN: Hey, watch it, don't you- Warren runs over and tries to get the ray away from them. The bit on top is spinning and the whirring noise intensifies. Suddenly the red light bursts out of the invisibility ray. It hits Buffy as she walks past the mouth of the alley. It also hits a tree, a fire hydrant, some traffic cones, and a Dumpster, all of which immediately disappear. The Geeks stare in dismay. Zoom in on Andrew.
ANDREW: Oopsie. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act II
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on a close shot of Xander in the magic shop, staring at something.
XANDER: What happened to Buffy? She's gone.
ANYA: She's right here. We see that Xander and Anya are studying a diagram of seating arrangements.
ANYA: (points) Table four. I put her with your family.
XANDER: Great. Except, we don't hate Buffy. Shot of the magic shop door opening but there's no one there.
XANDER: (OS) Let's put her back at table one. (The door closes again and the camera pulls back into the shop)
ANYA: (OS) Well, where do I put D'Hoffryn?
XANDER: (OS) We're not inviting D'Hoffryn.
ANYA: We have to, he's my ex-boss! You're inviting your work buddies. The camera continues pulling back and then swings around to face Anya and Xander again. We hear Buffy's voice but we don't see her.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: She's got a point.
XANDER: Hey, Buffy... Xander turns around to look at Buffy, but doesn't see her. Confused, he stands up and looks around.
XANDER: Where ... where are you?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: At table four, apparently.
ANYA: (frowning, looking around) Well, that remains to be seen. Like you.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm invisible girl. Anya comes out from behind the counter as Xander continues looking around, holding his hands up at breast height.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Uh, Xander? Xander jumps and pulls his hands back quickly.
XANDER: (nervous laugh) Sorry! (to Anya) Her clothes are ... invisible ... too. (to the empty air where he thinks Buffy is) Buffy, how did this hap ... wait a sec, have you been feeling ... ignored lately?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut, and-
ANYA: You cut your hair?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Oh, yeah!
ANYA: Really? How short?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Um, about up to here ... well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
ANYA: Ahh, that sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wed-
XANDER: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? (Anya looks chastised) This is serious.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know. It kind of fits the day I've had. The camera moves over to a table where there's a basket full of baseball-sized balls. One of them lifts into the air and begins moving around as if Buffy is tossing it from hand to hand.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the social services lady put me through a wringer. Says she's gonna watch me. I'd like to see her try now. Invisible Buffy holds up a second ball. The balls have symbols painted on them that make them look a little like eyes. She holds them next to each other, moves them as if the eyes are looking side to side.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: You know, there may be an upside to no-see-me. (the balls float over toward Anya)
XANDER: Buff, did you say anyone, or ... anything suspicious before you ... cleared out? Buffy continues playing with the 'eyes' next to Anya's head, making Anya nervous. She turns them so they look cross-eyed.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Nope, didn't see nothin'. (laughs) See what I did there, with the eyeballs?
ANYA: (nervously, to Xander) Why would anyone make her invisible anyway? I mean, invisible Slayer's gotta be way more effective than the standard variety. Through this the 'eyeballs' turn to 'look' at Anya and then at Xander. Now they move away. We hear Buffy's footsteps.
XANDER: Yeah, I'm less with the why and more with the how. We get the how, then we got how to make her unseen sight seen again, right? A human skull floats up beside Xander's shoulder. Its mouth moves up and down.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: 'Saright!
XANDER: (annoyed) Buffy, could you focus please?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: (making the skull 'look around') I am! Just ... this is kind of fun.
ANYA: Well, it would help if we had a little bit more to go on. Or ... anything to go on.
XANDER: Well, I could go check the spot where Buffy disappeared. Snoop for clues.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: (putting skull back on a shelf) Yeah, right. Uh, hey, you know what? I'm just gonna ... go for a walk. (footsteps heading toward the door)
XANDER: A walk?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yeah. Um, clear my head. (Xander following her toward the door) You guys keep working on those whats and hows. (laughs) Clear my head. The door opens.
XANDER: Buffy! The door closes. Anya grimaces and shrugs, sits down in front of the seating plan again.
ANYA: Well, seems pretty obvious it's some kind of spell that's done this to her.
XANDER: Spell from who? You said it yourself, it makes no sense for one of her enemies to make her invisible.
ANYA: Maybe it's a mistake.
XANDER: A magical mistake. (small laugh) Who'd be messing with that kind of pow- Suddenly he stops, looking thoughtful. Anya turns to look at him.
Cut to the Summers house, dining room. Pan across the table covered with open books. Willow's computer is set up at the end of the table, and she sits in front of it, drinking from a bottle of water. She puts the water down, picks up a book and looks under it, looks under another pile of books. Looks across and sees the book she wants -- at the other end of the table. Willow holds out her hand. The book moves a little. She stops, pulls her hand back. Sound of the door opening.
XANDER: Willow.
WILLOW: (OS) Xander! Xander enters from the front door and walks into the dining room. Willow looks guilty.
XANDER: How's it going?
WILLOW: Um ... good. (Xander sits) I, I, uh, found ... out some stuff about the diamond stolen from the museum. (Xander not really listening) It's called the Illuminata, and there's rumors of it having quasi-mystical quantum properties.
XANDER: Willow, we need to talk.
WILLOW: (nervous) We ... are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny.
XANDER: Is there something you wanna tell me? They look at each other for a moment. Willow looks upset.
WILLOW: It was nothing, I ... I-I didn't slip.
XANDER: Will, nobody's mad. Relapse is a part of recovery, we understand that. We just have to figure a way to fix it.
WILLOW: (confused) Fix what?
XANDER: Fix Buffy.
WILLOW: Buffy's broken?
XANDER: Will, you know what I'm talki - (sees her expression) You don't know. Willow shakes her head, still confused.
XANDER: Rhymes with ... 'blinvisible'?
WILLOW: What?
XANDER: Buffy was in town, leaving the haircutting place, when she suddenly just-
WILLOW: Buffy got her hair cut?
XANDER: (sarcastic) Yeah! Adorable, apparently. I personally couldn't tell, since she's all 'blinvisible.'
WILLOW: (upset) And you think I had something to do with this?
XANDER: Uh, no ... not ... (sighs) Well, come on, Will. Some of the spells you've done have caused some weird stuff to happen to each of us at one time or another. And let's not forget the recent forgetting.
WILLOW: Oh. I see, so now when anything nasty happens, I get conveniently blamed for it?
XANDER: No one's blaming!
WILLOW: (stands up) So ... I guess it wouldn't matter if I just jump off the wagon completely ... since you already think I'm making pit stops.
XANDER: Well, look, if you said you didn't do it - (Willow grabs her coat and goes past him) Willow, where you going?
WILLOW: For a walk. She opens the front door and exits. Xander watches her go in dismay.
Cut to the Geek Trio's underground lair. Warren is working on the invisibility ray, using a small blow-torch. Jonathan and Andrew watch.
WARREN: Couple of circuits are burned out, and the wiring's all fried.
ANDREW: But we had so many plans. Naked women, and all ... well, all-all the naked women. (to Jonathan) This is all your fault, if you hadn't grabbed it from me-
JONATHAN: Hey, we got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible now?
ANDREW: He's right. (to Warren) She could be anywhere. (Warren stops working, looks at him) Even here, right now. All three look around very nervously.
ANDREW: (quietly) Watching. Listening to every word we say. (very dramatically) For all we know, she could be one of us! Warren and Jonathan look each other up and down for a long moment, anxiously. Suddenly they all burst into relieved laughter.
ANDREW: Oh, wait, no, guys, that isn't true.
WARREN: (returning to his work) I wouldn't sweat the Slayer too much.
JONATHAN: Says you. In my book an invisible slayer means a whole world of trouble.
Cut to a park, day. A young woman sits on a bench reading a book. She wears a purple baseball cap. The camera moves toward her. We can see that the edges of the cap are decorated with metal studs. Suddenly the cap lifts off the woman's head and floats around in front of her face. She looks very surprised.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: (spooky voice) I am the ghost of fashion victims past. (normal voice) Studded caps? Not a good idea. The woman looks scared, gets up and runs away.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hey! I'm doing you a favor! The camera (Buffy's POV) swings down to discover a garbage can. The cap drops into it. Then the camera moves around to see two people jogging past.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Naah ... too easy. The camera moves forward toward the street. We see a cop standing next to a parked SUV, writing a ticket. The camera moves closer.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hmm... The camera moves back to find the cop's golf-cart-like vehicle parked behind the SUV. Cut back to the cop. He looks up in surprise at the sound of an engine starting.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: So long, copper! The golf cart drives past him and on down the street, apparently empty. The cop runs after it.
COP: Hey ... Hey! That's mine! Stop!
Cut to the golf cart pulling to a stop beside the curb in another part of town. Pan over to reveal a large building with the words "Department of Social Services" on the side.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hello, Mrs. Kroger.
Cut to inside. A typical office setting. Phones ringing, people walking around. Pan down the hall to reveal Ms. Kroger sitting at her desk in a cubicle area. Another woman is working nearby. Ms. Kroger is looking at some paperwork on her desk. She reaches over to pick up a coffee mug, takes a sip, puts the mug down next to her right hand. Takes a pen from a container and makes a note on the papers, reaches for the coffee mug again. But the mug is gone.
MS. KROGER: (confused) What - Where's my... She turns to find the mug sitting on the desk by her left hand. She gives a nervous laugh. The coworker turns to look at her.
MS. KROGER: (joking) Losing my mind. She picks up the mug, takes a sip, puts it down on her right again. Turns to the left to pick up some more papers. Turns back and the mug is gone again. She gives a frustrated sigh.
MS. KROGER: (annoyed) Okay, who's the- She turns and finds the mug sitting on top of her computer monitor. As she reaches for it, it floats up into the air and dances around a little.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: (softly) Kill, kill, kill!
MS. KROGER: What? The coworker looks over in confusion.
COWORKER: I didn't say anything.
MS. KROGER: Not you! The mug, it's- The mug is gone again. She stops, looks around. The mug is back in its original spot on her right.
MS. KROGER: But I ... I heard something. She pokes the mug nervously.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Kill, Doris. Kill everybody. Ms. Kroger looks shocked, pushes her chair back and stands up.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: You know you want to.
MS. KROGER: (yelling at the mug) Shut up, shut up, just shut up! She pauses, realizes she's shouting, looks around. Shots of several coworkers staring at her. Ms. Kroger looks confused, turns and walks away. Close shot on the file folders on her desk. They begin to move.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay ... no ... no... Invisible Buffy moves the files aside until she finds the one labeled 'Summers, Dawn.'
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yahtzee! The file opens. The camera moves over to the computer keyboard. The keys begin to move as Invisible Buffy types.
Cut to Ms. Kroger coming out of the women's bathroom, holding a paper towel to the back of her neck. She starts to walk back toward her desk.
BOSS: Uh, Doris! A man intercepts her.
BOSS: I've, uh, got a few, so if you wanna discuss that case file now...
MS. KROGER: What? Oh! Oh yes, the, um, Summers file, it's, uh, it's right over here. She goes to her desk, picks up a file and gives it to the boss. He begins looking through it.
MS. KROGER: Uh, it's a fifteen-year-old girl, living under her older sister's guardianship. The house is a complete-
BOSS: What is this? (reading) 'All work and no play make Doris a dull girl'?
MS. KROGER: What?
BOSS: 'All work and no play make Doris' - the pages are filled with it. Shot of the case file. All the papers have been replaced with pages filled with the one sentence 'All work and no play make Doris a dull girl" over and over. Ms. Kroger grabs the file back and looks at it in confusion, shaking her head.
MS. KROGER: I ... I...
She looks over at the printer. Shot of the printer still spitting out more pages of the same thing.
MS. KROGER: I, I, I didn't do this, I ... The boss looks dubiously at her. She leans closer to him.
MS. KROGER: (softly) It was the voice.
BOSS: Excuse me?
MS. KROGER: There was a voice, before. It made my coffee dance. It told me to- (breaks off)
BOSS: To ... what?
MS. KROGER: (nervously) Nothing.
BOSS: Doris ... take the rest of the day off. See your doctor.
MS. KROGER: But what about my cases?
BOSS: We'll, uh ... put someone else on them. And have them redo the Summers interview. Sound of whistling. The camera recedes away from them down the hall.
MS. KROGER: I'm not crazy. I am not crazy!
BOSS: Well, no one said that you were. The camera continues moving away as the whistling continues -- to the tune of Buffy's song "Alive" from episode "Once More With Feeling." The door at the end of the hall opens, then closes.
Cut to Xander walking down the street. He passes the spa, enters the mouth of the alley, and finds Willow. She has a can of red spray paint and is spraying the Dumpster, making it visible again.
XANDER: Hey Will. (she turns) Whatcha doin'?
WILLOW: (defensive) Look, Xander, I - I figured out this was where Buffy disappeared from what you told me, so don't start jumping to any conclusions.
XANDER: (holds up his hands) No jumping, look, feet firmly planted. (smiles)
WILLOW: (embarrassed) I'm not feeling like myself right now, sorry.
XANDER: Me too. Sorry. (she nods) So! What have we found out so far?
WILLOW: Well, take a look at that! (points) We see a tire-mark on the ground.
WILLOW: Something sped outta here pretty dann quick to, to make that kind of tread mark.
XANDER: Well, this could have been made any time.
WILLOW: Yeah, but this ... wasn't. Willow takes out a small vial from her pocket and holds it up. Xander takes it.
XANDER: What is it?
WILLOW: (walking away) Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant. She stops at a different part of sidewalk. Xander follows her, studying the vial.
XANDER: What fire hydrant? (clanking noise) Ow! Xander hops around on one foot, his other leg having been injured by walking into the invisible fire hydrant.
WILLOW: That one. Willow lowers her voice and makes gestures from the alleyway to where they are now.
WILLOW: Whatever hit this fire hydrant hit it after it was made invisible. And betcha by golly wow, that something was the same something that shot out of that alley.
XANDER: (pondering) Black paint? Buffy's phantom van. (Willow nods) We gotta let Buffy - whoa! Xander takes a step backward and bumps into something.
XANDER: There's something there. (pointing) Willow sprays her can of spray paint where he's pointing. A traffic cone slowly takes shape.
WILLOW: I-it's a pylon, one of those orange traffic cones. (continues spraying) You should take it to the Magic Box. It might help you and Anya figure out what kind of spell was used.
XANDER: What about you?
WILLOW: (stands up) Well, I got paint scrapings... (gives Xander the paint can and takes the vial from him) ...and a tire mark. I'm gonna find this van that's been stalking Buffy. (Xander nods) By the way, where *is* Buffy? Xander shrugs in confusion.
Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike sits slouched in his chair, watching TV.
WOMAN ON TV: (screaming) Oh my god, the blood! Look at all the blood! Spike looks down at his stomach, puts his hand on it, gets up. He walks over to a small refrigerator, opens it, takes out a jar of blood. Takes off the lid and lifts the jar to his mouth. Noise from the door. Spike pauses, looks over. The door to the crypt is open, swinging on its hinges. No one is visible there. Spike looks at it for a moment, puts his jar down and walks slowly toward the door, looking around.
SPIKE: Whatever beastie you are, I know you're here. And I hurt beasties.
Invisible Buffy's POV: moving past Spike from behind, looking down toward his butt and then onward. Spike jumps as if something had grabbed his butt.
SPIKE: Hey, watch it. The noise of the TV suddenly stops as the TV switches off. Spike sighs in irritation.
SPIKE: A ghost, is it? (looking around) Go and haunt the living, like a good spook. The camera moves slowly around him as he looks around, confused. Suddenly something grabs his shoulder. He tries to grab it and is spun around by his arm, slammed up against a wall. He gasps, tries to move forward but is shoved against the wall again. His shirt rips open. He looks down at his bare chest. Close on Spike's face as he frowns in confusion, then gives a little gasp of pleasure, continues frowning.
SPIKE: (tentatively) Buffy?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I told you ... stop trying to see me. She pulls Spike away from the wall suddenly.
Cut to the magic shop. Anya and Xander sit looking at books. The no-longer-invisible traffic cone sits on the table in front of them.
ANYA: Oh, I got it!
XANDER: Really?
ANYA: Yeah, we'll put D'Hoffryn at your parents' table, and move your Uncle Rory to table five near the bar.
XANDER: Ahn honey, we're looking for invisibility spells here.
ANYA: Well, obviously I haven't found anything yet. At least nothing that would explain why things near Buffy become invisible. She reaches out to grab the traffic cone. It crumbles partly under her fingers. Anya makes a disgusted face.
ANYA: Ew! Xander! She holds up her hand with traffic-cone residue on it.
XANDER: What happened?
ANYA: An unpleasant tactile experience, like putting my hand in pudding. Xander puts out his hand and crumbles another part of the cone.
XANDER: Ew!
ANYA: Like pudding, am I right? Rice, or tapioca, lumpy like that.
XANDER: We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know.
ANYA: (brushing off her hand) I don't think Buffy's gonna be too broken up over a pylon.
XANDER: Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I-I mean ... if we don't figure out how this was done...
ANYA: She's pudding? They stare at each other. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act III
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on the Geeks' lair. Warren is still working on the invisibility ray.
JONATHAN: What do you mean she's gonna fade away?
WARREN: The Slayer got slammed with a big-ass dose of radiation when the gun overloaded. Her cells are mutating at an accelerated rate. Eventually her molecular makeup will start losing its integrity and then ... pfft. (makes a "pfft" gesture)
ANDREW: But, wouldn't that kill her?
WARREN: Well, lemme think. (sarcastic) Yeah!
JONATHAN: Wait a minute! We're not killing anybody. Especially not Buffy!
WARREN: (sighs) You guys are so immature! (angrily) We're villains! When are you gonna get that through your thick skulls?
JONATHAN: We're not killers, we're crime lords!
ANDREW: Yeah! Like, like Lex Luthor. (gesturing with a comic book) He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman!
WARREN: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
ANDREW: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?! Warren rolls his eyes in exasperation. Jonathan looks determined.
JONATHAN: Listen, Warren ... (points forcefully at the gun) you get that ray working and the first thing we're gonna do is find Buffy and re-visible her before it's too late! Warren stands up and towers over Jonathan, both staring each other down.
JONATHAN: You got me?!
WARREN: Fine. Warren glances at Andrew, sits back down with a small smirk.
WARREN: Whatever you guys say. Warren picks up his tools and goes back to work. Andrew and Jonathan nod at each other.
Cut to Spike's crypt. It's dark. Xander pushes the door open and enters.
XANDER: Spike? Pan around the room. It's in disarray, various pieces of furniture lying overturned on the floor, etc. Xander looks around.
Cut to the underground room. It's better lit with candles and a lamp. Xander enters. Sounds of heavy breathing, moaning. Pan across to the bed (Xander's POV). We see Spike on the bed half-covered with a sheet, moving around on top of what looks like empty air.
XANDER: Spike? Spike turns his head in alarm to look at Xander.
XANDER: What are you doing?
SPIKE: What am I ... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I? Spike turns back to the bed and does a couple of what might look like push-ups if you didn't know better. We hear a small yelp from Invisible Buffy.
XANDER: Exercising. (comes closer) Naked. In bed. Spike stops moving, stands up on the bed and wraps the sheet around his waist.
SPIKE: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing. (sits on the edge of the bed)
XANDER: (skeptical) Yuh-huh. Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. (gestures with his head) Mini-disaster area.
SPIKE: So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping?
XANDER: No, uh, no. I'm looking for Buf-
SPIKE: (quickly) Haven't seen her.
XANDER: Well, uh, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility.
SPIKE: (fake surprise) Yeah? How did, uh... Soft murmuring and kissing noises.
XANDER: We don't know yet. Noises continue. Spike's ear wiggles. He jumps.
XANDER: Anyway, she's not at the house, and I really, really need to find her.
SPIKE: (fidgeting) Uh, tell you what, I'll ... take a peek around first chance I get... (makes swatting noises next to his head) and if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout. (trying not to laugh)
XANDER: (uncertain) After your ... (gestures) exercises.
SPIKE: (more swatting) Yeah, right. Xander looks confused, but he turns to go. Then turns back.
XANDER: You know, kidding aside, Spike ... you really should get a girlfriend. He leaves. Spike sighs, looks over his shoulder.
SPIKE: That was bloody stupid.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: What's the matter? Ashamed to be seen with me? Spike gets up, tossing the sheet aside. It falls on top of Buffy, showing us the outline of her legs and hips.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect. Spike goes to a side table, takes out a glass, bangs it down on the table.
SPIKE: Perfect for you. (begins filling the glass from a bottle)
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Well, picture me confused. (Spike shaking his head) I thought this was what you wanted.
SPIKE: (annoyed sigh) What I want... He stares to the side for a moment, then looks over at the bed again.
SPIKE: This vanishing act's right liberating for you, innit? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. (walks along the bed, holding the glass) Or anyone.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: What are you talking ab-
SPIKE: The only reason you're here, is that you're not here. (drinking)
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. (moving around on the bed) You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me.
SPIKE: Not too put off by it though, are you? (drinking)
INVISIBLE BUFFY: No! Maybe because for the first time since ... I'm free. She tosses the sheet aside. Spike looks around, trying to figure out where she's going.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Free of rules and reports ... free of this life.
SPIKE: Free of life? Got another name for that. Dead.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Why do you always have to ... (pouty) I thought we were having fun. Invisible Buffy comes up to Spike and he grabs her by the shoulders, holds her away from him.
SPIKE: Yeah, now! But sooner or later your chums are gonna work out a way to bring you back to living color. (lets her go) You need to go. Get dressed if you can find your clothes, and push off. 'Cause if I can't have all of you, I'd rather- Spike breaks off, looks down toward his waist.
SPIKE: Okay, that's cheating.
Cut to the coffee shop. Willow sits at a computer terminal drinking from a water bottle. She puts the bottle down and begins typing. Shot of the computer screen, showing a web site labeled "Department of Motor Vehicles." A dialog box pops up saying "Warning, encrypted information!" with a status bar and a blinking "Searching." It fills up slowly. Willow fidgets, waiting. Shot of the status bar moving along. Shot of Willow tapping her fingers on the desk. She looks around, lifts one hand to touch the screen. Close shot of her eyes. Close shot of the screen. The search is almost finished. Willow pulls her hand back. The dialog box goes away, replaced with a screen labeled "Database, for Departmental Use Only." A list of names and addresses fills the screen. Willow looks relieved, picks up a notebook and pen, begins to copy information from the screen.
Cut to close shot of an empty soda can lying on the street. It suddenly goes skittering down the street as if kicked.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I don't believe this. Wider shot of the street (residential area) with the can moving down it. Sound of Buffy's footsteps. The camera follows her (and the can) along the street.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: He threw *me* out? He threw *me*. Did I, like, fall into some ... backward dimension here? Is this Bizarro World? (kicks the can again) And after he's always going on and on about being the only one that understands me. 'We're alike, you and me. Birds of a bloody feather.' Uh! He's so ... (annoyed sigh) Three people go by, talking. They pass the soda can. Suddenly two of them jerk apart as if something had shoved them.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hey, I'm walking here! The people stare in confusion, then continue walking. Close shot of the soda can.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Insensitive! (kicks the can) That's what he is.
Cut to exterior shot of the Summers house. Sound of Buffy's footsteps continues. It's dark (nighttime) and the house is lit up.
Cut to the kitchen. The back door opens, closes.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow? Willow! (walks further into the kitchen) Dawn? Hey, Dawn, come here. You wanna see something neat? No reply. Invisible Buffy sighs. The camera pans over to the refrigerator. It opens, revealing various food items including a pizza box. The back door opens again and Dawn comes in, moving slowly and quietly. She looks around, sees that the kitchen appears empty. She closes the door very carefully, begins tiptoeing toward the hall.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: There you are! Dawn jumps, looks over at the open fridge, looks all around.
DAWN: Buffy? W-where are you?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I'm invisible. Check this out. The pizza box floats out of the fridge and swoops around in the air.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Wooo, wooo! Unidentified flying pizza, comin' in for a landing. Dawn stares in shock as the pizza comes to sit on the island and the box opens.
DAWN: W-what are you talking-
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay, not the most clever ad lib, but come on! Points for spontaneity.
DAWN: (upset) Stop it! Just ... stop. (moving closer to the island)
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Sorry Dawn. I'm, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to freak you out.
DAWN: Well, what did you think would happen? You're freaking invisible, Buffy.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know. Xander and Anya are working on it. Muldering out what happened. (moving around toward the stove)
DAWN: Well, what about you? Shouldn't you be working on it?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Of course I-
DAWN: Do you even care about, about who did this to you, or, or if you're gonna be stuck this way? You're making jokes and flying pizzas.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I don't think that's-
DAWN: (upset) I can't talk to you like this. I can't see you! How can I talk to you if I can't see you? Dawn brushes past Invisible Buffy and runs down the hall to the stairs.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Dawn! Dawn! Invisible Buffy's POV turns from Dawn to the kitchen counter and notices that the answering machine is blinking. Zoom in on it. It flashes the number 01. Invisible Buffy pushes the button and the machine begins to rewind.
XANDER: (on machine) Buffy, it's Xander. Where are you? Listen ... we got a new problem here.
ANYA: (on machine) Tell her!
XANDER: (on machine) I'm trying to. Anya and I think whatever made you invisible is slowly killing you.
ANYA: (on machine) Tell her about the pudding!
XANDER: (on machine) Anya! Buff, if we don't ... if this isn't reversed, you're gonna ... well, dissolve, or ... fade ... into nothing. The machine beeps and turns off. Pan over to the empty air where Invisible Buffy is standing.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Wow.
Cut to a dark residential street. Willow walks along, pauses, looks at a house and then at a piece of paper in her hand. We see the Geek Trio's van in a driveway, partially covered by a tarp. Willow looks around, walks toward the van. She goes up to it, looks around again, walks between the van and the house.
Cut to the Geeks' lair. Willow opens the bulkhead door and peeks down the stairs. She goes slowly down the stairs and into the basement lair. She walks around, looking around. She spots a bulletin board with a large piece of paper tacked up. It's a blueprint or schematic of the invisibility ray, conveniently labeled with the words "Invisibility Ray!" at the top. Willow walks over to it, studies the diagram. She smiles, looks at the table next to her, which has more blueprints on it. Turns and walks across to the workbench, where the invisibility ray is still sitting. Willow takes a swivel-lamp and moves it over to shed more light on the invisibility ray. She lifts her hand as if to touch it.
WARREN: (OS) Now! Willow turns in surprise. Reveal a roll of silver duct-tape floating in the air a few feet away. Suddenly Willow's arms rise up as if they had been grabbed by invisible hands. She struggles.
WILLOW: Hey! Let go of me! A piece of duct tape unrolls itself from the roll and rips free. It floats toward Willow.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Congratulations. You're our first hostage. The duct tape moves toward Willow's mouth as she continues struggling. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act IV
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on the Summers house, foyer. The front door opens itself.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Dawn, I'm going out to find Xander. If he calls me- The phone begins to ring. The door closes. Invisible Buffy moves into the living room, picks up the phone.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Xander?
JONATHAN: (on phone) Don't talk. Just listen, Slayer. You don't have a lot of time.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Who is this? You sound familiar.
JONATHAN: (disguising his voice) I'm ... nobody. No one you know. We've got your friend Willow, and if you don't want anything nasty to happen to her, you better meet us. Alone.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Where?
Cut to a video-game arcade. Various kids playing various games, lots of noise. Pan over to reveal a guy taking tickets by a turnstile. The turnstile turns on its own, and he looks confused. The camera follows the invisible person into the arcade. A few kids get shoved aside and go "Hey!" We move further into the arcade and discover Willow standing by a pinball machine, looking nervous.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Just stay still, and you won't get hurt.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: You okay, Will?
WILLOW: Buffy?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Where are the bad guys?
INVISIBLE WARREN: All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything.
WILLOW: He's bluffing, Buffy, there, there's just three of them, I think.
INVISIBLE WARREN: More than enough to cause some serious carnage, right guys? ... Guys? Guys! Shot of a video game with the joysticks moving on their own.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Kick! Use the kick!
INVISIBLE ANDREW: I tried that, he keeps blocking it with his drunken monkey fist!
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Ooh, scary video carnage.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Hey! Slayer's here.
INVISIBLE ANDREW: Sorry, didn't see her. The camera follows Invisible Andrew and Jonathan as they abandon their game to rejoin the group.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Why don't we continue this in a less crowded area, like, over there. Willow looks confused.
ALL: Where?
INVISIBLE WARREN: Over ... follow me. We see the invisibility ray floating in the air where Invisible Warren is. He grabs Willow's arm with his other invisible hand and pulls her away. She grimaces.
WILLOW: Ow! They move over to a quieter corner next to an air-hockey game. Willow starts as someone grabs her other arm.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you guys are the ones who did this to me?
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: It was an accident!
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Who's that?
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: (disguised voice) Nobody you know.
WILLOW: They're the ones from your mystery van.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Oh. You. So what annoying thing are you gonna do to me now?
INVISIBLE WARREN: Save your life, make you visible.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Right. I'm supposed to believe that?
WILLOW: They told me everything, Buffy. Something's happening to you that, you're-
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Fading away. I know.
INVISIBLE WARREN: I can fix that. The invisibility ray lifts up and begins its preparatory whirring.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Pick up that air hockey mallet on the table.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: What for?
INVISIBLE WARREN: It'll give me a target to aim at. (Willow looking at the invisibility ray) The air-hockey mallet floats up into the air. The whirring continues.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Okay, now hold still, and all your troubles will soon be gone.
WILLOW: You're on the wrong setting!
INVISIBLE WARREN: What?
WILLOW: The gun, it's not set for reversing the particle ionization. It'll accelerate her molecular dissolution, I saw the plans!
INVISIBLE WARREN: Mind your own business.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: What's she talking about?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: That's what I'd like to know.
WILLOW: Buffy, he's trying to kill you! The invisibility ray gun hits Willow in the face. She falls down.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow! The air-hockey mallet flies through the air and hits Invisible Warren.
INVISIBLE WARREN: Ow! The invisibility ray falls to the floor.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay, play time's over.
INVISIBLE WARREN: You haven't won yet, Slayer.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: No, that part comes after I beat the snot out of you. Throughout the whole exchange, the camera moves around as if following the various characters but really all we see is empty air.
INVISIBLE WARREN: You'll have to find me first! There's three of us, against just one of you.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Hey, you lied to us!
INVISIBLE ANDREW: Fight her yourself!
INVISIBLE WARREN: (angrily) Think she cares about that? I go down, we all go down!
INVISIBLE BUFFY: And I promise, you're all going down.
INVISIBLE WARREN: We may not have your powers, Slayer, but you'll find that we are not so easy to- (another air-hockey mallet hits him) Ow! Get her! Fighting noises begin -- punches, grunts, etc. The camera swings around crazily as if following the action. Kids in the arcade look over in confusion at the noises. Shot of Willow still lying on the floor, sitting up with a pained expression.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Who's biting my leg?
INVISIBLE ANDREW: Sorry! Where is she?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Here. Fight noises continue. A pinball machine shatters as if an invisible person had been thrown onto it. Kids scream and begin to run for the exit. Willow notices the invisibility ray under another pinball machine. She crawls over to get it.
INVISIBLE WARREN: She can't find us if we split up. Willow picks up the ray gun and fiddles with it.
INVISIBLE WARREN: You go that way.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Which way?
INVISIBLE WARREN: That way! Over- Punch noise. An invisible person goes flying into a room-sized container of plastic balls.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Just keep talking, boys. Willow gets to her feet, fiddling with the invisibility ray. Punching noises continue.
INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Ow! Watch the chest hair!
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know that voice. You-you're- Willow aims the ray at the voices and fires. Buffy and Jonathan become visible. Buffy is holding Jonathan up by the front of his shirt.
BUFFY: Jonathan?! She lets him go and he falls to the floor.
BUFFY: You have chest hair? Willow fires at the plastic-ball-room. Warren appears.
BUFFY: Warren? Warren glares. Willow fires at the smashed pinball machine. Andrew appears.
BUFFY: (frowns) Who are you?
ANDREW: Andrew. Buffy shrugs and shakes her head to show her lack of recognition.
ANDREW: I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school? Willow and Buffy exchange a confused look. Warren climbs out of the plastic balls. Jonathan gets up and helps Andrew down from the pinball machine.
ANDREW: During the school play, you know?
WARREN: It's Tucker's brother.
JONATHAN: Yeah, it's Tucker's brother.
BUFFY/WILLOW: Ohh. The Geek Trio stands side-by-side. Willow moves over to stand beside Buffy.
BUFFY: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass?
WARREN: (walking sideways with the other two following him) We're your arch-nemesises ... ses. (Buffy and Willow looking confused) You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time ... um ... uh, next time...
JONATHAN: Maybe not! Jonathan throws something down in front of the Trio. It bursts into smoke and sparks (see episode "Life Serial"). Behind cover of the smoke we can see (but Buffy and Willow can't) the Trio running off. Buffy and Willow cough, wave the smoke away.
WARREN: (OS) What do you mean, it's locked? You were supposed to check it!
ANDREW: (OS) I forgot! The smoke clears to reveal the Trio standing by the back door looking sheepish.
BUFFY: I give you my arch nemesises...ses. (frowns) A security guard comes up behind Buffy and Willow.
GUARD: What's going on in here? (Buffy and Willow turn to look at him) I got a bunch of scared kids saying this place is haunted! Sound of a door opening. Buffy turns back to see the back-door closing behind the escaping Trio. Buffy sighs and looks irritated.
WILLOW: (surprised) Oh my god, Buffy!
BUFFY: (pouting) I know, they're gone. I guess we should chase them.
WILLOW: No, your hair! (smiles) It *is* adorable. Buffy looks surprised, puts up her hand to feel her hair, gives a rueful smile.
Cut to Buffy and Willow exiting the arcade. Willow still carries the invisibility ray.
BUFFY: Pretty neat, you finding the van. (they begin walking down the street) So ... how did you manage to ... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it?
WILLOW: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, (grimaces, whines) my-feet-are-killing-me way. Willow sighs, makes a pained face, sits down on the edge of the curb. Buffy sits beside her.
WILLOW: I don't know how I got through this day.
BUFFY: Well, the important thing is that you did. It's a ... good first step.
WILLOW: How are you doing, post-invisibleness?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Okay. I still have to do some damage control from my giddy-fest. Dawn was pretty freaked out. (pauses) The whole taking-a-vacation-from-me thing didn't work out so well.
WILLOW: (nods) Tell me about it.
BUFFY: Except ... when I got Xander's message ... you know, that I was ... fading away ... I actually got scared.
WILLOW: Well, yeah. Who wouldn't?
BUFFY: Me. I wouldn't. Not too long ago I probably would have welcomed it. But I realized ... I'm not saying that I'm doing back-flips about my life, but... (nods) I didn't ... I don't ... wanna die. (looks hopefully at Willow) That's something, right?
WILLOW: It's something. Longer shot of the two of them sitting there side-by-side on the curb, looking morose.
WILLOW: So I guess we both made good first steps.
BUFFY: I guess.
WILLOW: Yay for us.
BUFFY: Yay. Blackout.
Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.