SCENE: The loft, Jess is trotting by Schmidt's room carrying lot's of science stuff.
SCHMIDT: Jess!
JESS: (Stops in Schmidt's doorway) Yeah?
SCHMIDT: (Pacing back and forth) Can I ask you something?
JESS: You wan't my help? Sure.
SCHMIDT: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
JESS: I don't know how to answer that question.
SCHMIDT: Okay look, I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably going to bring her back here, for s*x.
JESS: I have to get to school cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.
SCHMIDT: I get that, but as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest? You know like, like where am I best on display? Here? (Sits in armchair, legs crossed holding head) Here? (Sits on arm of armchair) Or (runs over to bed) here? (lies on bed on his side)
ENTER NICK
NICK: Hey, what is going on out here?
JESS: Um, Schmidt wants to know where in his room he looks the sexiest.
NICK: Well it's a big room. What are your choices?
SCHMIDT: Ok, I'm glad you asked. Alright, (waves hand across bed) here? (runs over and sits in armchair) Here? (sits on arm of armchair again) Or here? You know, maybe just reading a book or something.
NICK: It's a lot of options. Could you do them again really fast?
SCHMIDT: You wanna see them again?
NICK: Please.
SCHMIDT: Ok. Here? Here? Here?
JESS: (Smirking) Wait, what was the first one again?
NICK: (Also smirking) Yeah.
SCHMIDT: (Angrily) OK. I get it. All laugh at Schmidt, great. Here? Here?...
[SCENE_BREAK]
OPENING CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE: The loft, Jess is spreading cream cheese on a bagel in the kitchen area.
JESS: I'm so excited to meet him...
NICK: (Walking towards her) No, Jess he's sleeping. He flew in late last night, we took him straight to the bar, took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed I love America. (Sits down) Now he's happily passed out. (Slurps coffee) Let's let him sleep.
JESS: Guess I'm not the new kid anymore, I'm just one of the guys.
NICK: You're still the new kid, Winston lived here before Coach did.
JESS: (Carries on preparing breakfast) So Coach said, (shot of Schmidt walking by, taking earphones out) that they used to play basketball together at college, but then Winston went pro...
SCHMIDT: In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia, there's a big difference. (Nick turns around to look at him) Well the team logo, is a fig. Just a.. just a one single fig.
JESS: Oh, you're jealous. (Turns around) That's so cute. (Turns back)
SCHMIDT: (Smirks) Of Winston? No no no. Look, I'm not jealous of Winston. Ok, it's been two year, he's gonna have to recognize, I'm a lot flyer now. Wanna see me flex my base? (Starts to take off shirt)
NICK: Naw naw naw naw. Put your shirt on.
SCHMIDT: (Takes off shirt) Let me flex my base. Let me flex my base, man.
NICK: Put your shirt on.
SCHMIDT: Baboom.
NICK: It's the morning.
JESS: (Whispers whilst carrying the breakfast tray) He's gonna love it.
NICK: Jess, what are you doing? (To Schmidt) What is she doing?
(Jess kicks opens the door, walks in and places the tray on the floor, loud enough to wake Winston. Winston wakes with a start.)
WINSTON: What the.. what the.. (points at Jess) who?
JESS: I'm Jess.
(Back in the kitchen)
JESS: (From the kitchen you can hear her singing) I'm Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss!
WINSTON: (Shouting) What's happening?! Why are you doing that?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE: Nick and Jess are in the bathroom brushing their teeth, whilst Schmidt is in the shower.
JESS: I can't believe you didn't tell me he was hungover!
NICK: I totally told you he was hungover. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.
(ENTER WINSTON)
JESS: Hi, Winston. Hey, I apologize for what happened before... not cool, bad call. I've been talking to the guys about boundaries, so I totally get it.
WINSTON: Perfectly fine, no problem.
JESS: Do you have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size. It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now cause I broke up with my boyfriend. And I caught him cheating and... I just like grabbed whatever I could and...
SCHMIDT: (Steps out of the shower) Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found. It's where I keep all the things the girls leave behind in my room after we've founicate. I've got sizes 0 through 10. (Jess and Schmidt leave)
WINSTON: What have you done to me Nick?
NICK: I am so happy you're back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE: Schmidt and Jess are sitting on the bed, with a box in front of them.
JESS: (Rummaging through the box, she pulls out stiletto) You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.
SCHMIDT: (Taking shoe off her) Ah man, look at these, wow. (Sees Jess taking out hair extensions from the box) Oh, look at that, Rochechana 06. Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.
JESS: Winston seems nice...
SCHMIDT: Did he say anything to you about the room?
JESS: What room?
SCHMIDT: The big room, I kinda took it from him when he left, I used to be in the small room. (Pulls out shirt from box that says 'I AM CLAIRE'.) This happened in the small room. (Looks at it) Twice. Never going back there again, Jess.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE: Winston and Nick are tossing a basketball back and forth between then in the main living area of the loft.
NICK: He's never gonna give you that room back.
Winston: Psshhhh, come on man, it's Schmidt. You know they have a saying in Latvia. 'That guy is so stupid we could easily take things away from him'.
NICK: (Laughs) That's a saying?
WINSTON: (Laughs) Yeah, it is.
NICK: That's a weird saying. (Bounces ball and throws to Winston who shoots and scores)
ENTER JESS
JESS: (Wearing borrowed clothes) What d'ya think?
NICK: Jess, I've been telling you this for weeks but you gotta call Spencer and you gotta get your stuff back. Unless, you know, unless you're scared.
JESS: No, I'm not scared, it's just complicated. That stuff was... that stuff was ours and I miss him. (Starts to get upset.)
SCHMIDT: Jess, look, it's a ball. (Throws ball to Jess)
JESS: Oh, a little b-ball huh, (laughs). (Whilst bouncing ball) You know, I'm actually pretty good. I used to play with my mom. (Half-singing and still bouncing ball) Defense! Defense! Watch out for the defense! Sneaky sneaky wah wah.
NICK: (To Winston) You get used t`o it.
JESS: Hey, Schmidt! (Bounces ball really hard in Schmidt's general direction and smashes the TV)
NICK: Ah, come on!
JESS: (Puts hands over her face) Uh!
SCHMIDT: Wow! (Sarcastically)
JESS: (Removes hands from face) Oh! (Breathes heavily) My bad!
NICK: (Holding the bridge of his nose) Uuuuuuuuurgh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JESS: I'm sorry, you guys.
NICK: That was my TV, Jess.
SCHMIDT: Kinda all he had.
JESS: I'll get you a new one I just can't it afford it right now.
NICK: If ya don't mind me asking, what's the plan?
WINSTON: You don't know me like that but I need a TV.
NICK: Do you have a TV at Spencer's?
JESS: Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and brea...
NICK: Go get it!
JESS: No, I can't, I haven't spoken to Spencer since he cheated on me with that hoe! Actually, that's not fair, she might be a really nice hoe. I just don't wanna get in a big fight with Spencer, I want to be friends with him eventually.
NICK: Why do you wanna be friends with your ex? I don't wanna be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart out with her perfect, perfect hands.
JESS: He has this power over me, like he's a wizard and I'm his mage and I think it's his hair, he has like this really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it I get the 'woowoos'.
NICK: Oh my god, I hate my life!
SCHMIDT: Ok guys just.. Jess look, I know, closure, ouch, am I right?
JESS: I don't know at all what you're saying right now.
SCHMIDT: Ok Jess, think about it...
NICK: Ok Schmidt, it's not that complicated, Jess just get the TV back!
WINSTON: I need a TV.
NICK: It's important! It's a television! It's what brings all of.. Just get us the TV!
JESS: Okay, it's not a big deal. I'll do it. I'll call Spencer, and I'll talk to him, and, I, will talk, to, him. So, yay.
SCHMIDT: Yay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[JESS SITTING ON A BENCH, WATCHING SPENCER RIDING TOWARDS HER ON HIS BIKE]
JESS: Hi Spencer.
SPENCER: (Takes his helmet off and shakes his hair out in slo-mo, movie style) Hi, Jess-jess.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[THE GUYS IN A CAFE, AT A TABLE, EATING BREAKFAST]
WINSTON: Wow, I miss this place. How's your yoghurt thing, Schmidt?
SCHMIDT: Oh, the parfait? It's parfait.
NICK: Come on, don't...
SCHMIDT: (To the hot waitress) Oh, hello. You look beautiful today. You look smart.
HOT WAITRESS: Stop talking to me, Schmidt.
WINSTON: So, you're making all the calls now, Schmidt?
SCHMIDT: Sure...
WINSTON: This must mean, you're the top dog?
SCHMIDT: Yeah?
WINSTON: (Exchanging glances with Nick) That's cool...
SCHMIDT: You know, i'm glad you guys think that, cause... you know I think that too.
WINSTON: One hundred percent, I mean, when I moved out, obviously there was a power vacuum.
NICK: Yeah, I needed a leader, I didn't know which end was up.
SCHMIDT: Yeah, Nick's the bottom if you know what I mean.
NICK: Absolutely, say Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room or, I dunno, is that knida cheesy, a little over kill?
WINSTON: No no no no no. Though I definitely see what you're saying though, definitely. Uh, every top dog is differt, every top dog is different. Hey, Schmidt, what uh, what kind of top dog are you?
SCHMIDT: ...the kind with the big room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[BACK TO JESS AND SPENCER ON THE BENCH TALKING]
SPENCER: I'm so glad we're talking, last time I saw you, you were so mad.
JESS: How is, um...?
SPENCER: Rochelle.
JESS: Rochelle...fancy name.
SPENCER: She's great.
JESS: Rochelle like a mermaid.
SPENCER: Yeah.
JESS: (Puts on weird voice and picks up parts of her hair) Hello. I'm Rochelle and I eat fish.
SPENCER: Yeah, we have a lot in common, see we both love bikes...
JESS: I love bikes...
SPENCER: Not enough.
JESS: Um, Spencer. I need my stuff back. My TV, all my winter clothes.
SPENCER: Yeah, of course. I would have brought it today but I rode my bike here. You know, without the basket.
JESS: Ok. Well, when will it be a good time for me to come over...?
SPENCER: (Interrupting Jess and changing the subject) It's so good to see you Jess.
JESS: Spencer, I really need my stuff..,
SPENCER: Shuuuuuuuusshhh. I need something too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[JESS IS DRIVING ROCHELLE TO THE AIRPORT FOR SPENCER WHILST IN THE BACKGROUND 'BUST A MOVE' IS ON]
ROCHELLE: Thanks for taking me to the airport, Jess.
JESS: (Monotone) Of course, all you have is your bike, Rochelle.
SPENCER: Hit it!
SPENCER AND ROCHELLE: (Singing) YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT, YOU WANT IT, BABY YOU GOT IT. JUST BUST A MOVE, UH. YOU WANT IT.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[JESS IN A PAWN SHOP TRYING TO BARGAIN WITH THE OWNER FOR A TV]
JESS: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I go. (Draws something on a piece of paper)
PAWN SHOP OWNER: You drew a smiley face.
JESS: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.
PAWN SHOP OWNER: For the kids, $550.
JESS: I can't go home without a TV, I thought pawn shops were about helping people and frankly, right now, I feel taken advantage of. I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or lets be honest, sexually. (Picks up her bag to go) I'll just, I'll just get out of here. (Tries to steal the TV but fails miserably.)
PAWN SHOP OWNER: Are you trying to rob me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[BACK IN THE LOFT, NICK IS WATCHING TV ON HIS PHONE]
SCHMIDT: Hey, where's Winston, MM?
NICK: Yeah, I think he's in his room, Schmidt.
SCHMIDT: (Sits down) Do you really think I'm top dog?
NICK: Yes
SCHMIDT: Do you think I'm head baller, shot caller?
NICK: Yes Schmidt, I feel that way.
SCHMIDT: (Moves next to Nick) You see that man? It's my new thumb ring. Hot choice is that. Little skull. It's so nectar.
NICK: Did you just make up nectar?
SCHMIDT: Nah, it's a volleyball term. What is Winston doing in there? He can't hang out in there, it's too small.
[ENTER JESS AND CECE]
NICK: What's up?
SCHMIDT: Yo, what up, Cec?
NICK: You alright?
JESS: I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.
SCHMIDT: What happened?
CECE: Urgh, terrible roommates. I mean seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job, that is my job!
NICK: Alright, so what happened?
JESS: Urgh, he needed a ride to the airport.
NICK: What?!
JESS: For his new girlfriend.
NICK: Are you kidding me?!
SCHMIDT: Are you serious?
CECE: What? You didn't tell me that!
JESS: And, I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.
NICK: OMG Jess!
SCHMIDT: Wow.
JESS: What's wrong with me?
NICK: I figured it out. This guy is your kryptonite. You need to stand up and you need to fight him.
JESS: I want to fight him but I can't. I'm powerless.
NICK: Cause you're not ready to let him go. I think you know, deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's over over.
CECE: I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but, I agree with him.
JESS: No, you guys are wrong. I really, I really wanna move on.
NICK: Then you gotta fight.
JESS: Alright, I wanna fight.
NICK: Then get mad!
JESS: I wanna get mad!
NICK: (Stands up and pick up cushion from sofa) Alright, then do this. Pretend this is Spencer's face. Punch it. (Jess prepares herself for a showdown with the cushion) Get. (Punches cushion) Come on, do it again. (Punches a little harder) Alright, punch it like a man. (Punches a little harder.) Harder than that! (Punches harder)
CECE: Come on, Jess.
NICK: Come on Jess, get angry. (Punch) Good!
CECE: (Punch) Get angry. (Punch) Get real angry.
NICK: (Starts punch dancing) That's dancing. That's punch dancing. He broke your heart! He did terrible things to you, you hate him.
JESS: (Still punching) I'm mad!
NICK: Good.
CECE: There you go.
NICK: Good.
JESS: I'm bad!
NICK: You're ready, go get your stuff.
JESS: (Starts walking towards the door) I'm gonna go get my stuff!
NICK: Go get it.
SCHMIDT: Go on, Jess.
JESS: I'm really mad!
NICK: I'm proud of you.
JESS: I'm gonna go get it!
NICK: Go get your stuff.
JESS: I'm gonna face the facts! I'm gonna ask you guys, right now, to come with me. Seriously guys, cause I can't everything alone and I can't be alone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[THE WHOLE GANG ARE IN THE CAR WITH JESS AT THE WHEEL TO GO GET JESS' STUFF. SHE IS DRIVING REALLY FAST AND HAD VERY LOUD MUSIC ON IN THE CAR.]
JESS: Yeah! Loud music! Loud. Loud. Loud.
WINSTON: Ok, you're ruining my pre-game mence.
JESS: What am I gonna say?
NICK: Hey Spencer, give me my TV back.
JESS: Hi Spencer, give me my TV back, buddy.
NICK: Hey, no buddy. How about jerk or idiot.
JESS: Mr. Crabs.
WINSTON: Mr. Crabs is an option.
CECE: (To Schmidt) Your hand is on my leg.
SCHMIDT: Your hand's on my leg.
CECE: No, it really isn't.
SCHMIDT: Classic he said, she said.
CECE: Ok, Jess, just pull over right here. (Jess almost stops but at the last second steps on the gas again and drives off) Woah!
JESS: Ok, you know what, just one more shot.
NICK: Ok, one more time around Jess, and then we're good. You got this.
JESS: Yeah. (Tries to pull up again but carries on driving again)
SCHMIDT: Really? Come on.
JESS: Just one more time, gonna... (breathes)
NICK: Alright, this is the time, this is the time. Wow.
CECE: Woah!
JESS: Ok one more shot, one more shot, just one more, just one more.
SCHMIDT: (To Winston) You know I'm onto you.
WINSTON: What do you mean?
SCHMIDT: You told me that I'm top dog but secretly you think that you're top dog. Alright, now you are just trying to out top dog the top dog.
CECE: Jess, can you please take these doors off child lock so I can kill myself.
SCHMIDT: Men are working. Look things are different now man, you're not top dog anymore. I am.
WINSTON: Okay, you know what you are absolutely correct you are the top dog. (Puts hand up to head as if taking off imaginary crown) Here. (Puts it on Schmidt)
SCHMIDT: (Taking off the imaginary crown) What are you doing? There is no top dog crown. Are you trying to make me look stupid. Look man, this is about respect, I'm a lot flyer than I used to be.
WINSTON: Yeah, much flyer, I respect you Schmidt.
SCHMIDT: No, you don't because if you had, you would have told me that the (song changes to a more calm love song) small room is the top dog room. (Jess begins to slow down)
JESS: (Singing along)
WINSTON: What? I own this song.
JESS: (Still singing) YOU GO AND SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST (Finally pulls up out side Spencer's house)
SCHMIDT: What's happening?
WINSTON: What's happening if that is a great song.
JESS: (Gets out of car and walks towards the house)
CECE: I'll be out here if you need me, Jess. (Jess rings the doorbell continuously until it opens)
SPENCER: Hi, Jess-jess.
NICK: That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.
WINSTON: It looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.
CECE: Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.
SCHMIDT: Didn't you just kinda assume he'd have a handlebar moustache.
NICK: Come on Jess, just go in there and get that TV.
SPENCER: (Pulls Jess into a hug) I missed you Jess.
CECE: Don't hug him back... (Jess hugs him back) ALL IN CAR GROAN
SCHMIDT: Ugh. That's not healthy.
JESS: (Notices withered plants) I told you to water the plants! (Pulls away from hug)
SPENCER: Huh? Oh, you know that's not my thing. (Tries to hug her back but she pushes him away)
JESS: I told you to water the plants. (Pick up flowerpot and throws it onto the lawn, smashing) ARRRRGGGHHHH!
NICK: What is she doing?
ALL: OHHH!!
SCHMIDT: What a mess.
JESS: ARGGGHHHH! I'M GOING IN!! (Runs into house)
SPENCER: Jess, take your shoes off, we keep an Asian household. (Runs after her)
WINSTON: Didn't see that coming.
NICK: Is she gonna be ok in there?
[A LOT OF CRASHING AND BANGING]
JESS: (Stumbles out of the house wearing tons of clothes and carrying bags and the TV) I got it! It's really heavy, but I got it!
SCHMIDT: Oh my God, we created a monster.
NICK: She looks like hell in bomb crudder.
WINSTON: Oh guys, she's gonna drop. uh Jess, soft hands Jess.
SPENCER: (Comes running out after her) Come on Jess. we'll share, you know, work out a system.
JESS: (Turns around and notices she is wearing her shirt) Hey, hey. That's my shirt.
SPENCER: No, this is my t-shirt.
JESS: No, that is my shirt. It has my name on it. (Wobbles around)
WINSTON: Don't drop it, Jess, don't, don't drop it, don't...
CECE: Come on, everybody out. Now! (All rush out of car)
ALL: Nonononono!!! (Jess drops the TV and it makes an unsatisfying sound)
JESS: Give me my shirt! (Attacks Spencer)
NICK: (Runs over and grabs hold of Jess) Hey Jess, nonononono, stop stop, sorry don't mind her we're just here for the TV.
SPENCER: Who are these guys?
JESS: They are my room-mates.
SPENCER: Cece! Hi.
CECE: (Walking towards the house) I gotta go in and get the rest of your stuff, Jess.
SPENCER: (To Cece) Hey. (To Jess) Let's just talk about this, okay, rap it out.
JESS: No! We can't rap it out, we're not together anymore, it's not the same.
SPENCER: Doesn't mean we can't talk about things.
JESS: There's nothing to talk about. Give me my shirt back.
SPENCER: No, you gave this to me, I want to keep it.
NICK: Give her, her t-shirt, man.
SPENCER: No, I don't want to, you know and I gave her this hat too so I'm going to take it back. (Bends down to reach for a red hat)
NICK: You mean this one? (Picks it up and waves it in front of Spencer)
SPENCER: Yeah. (Reaches for hat)
NICK: You want that? (Carries on waving it)
SPENCER: Yeah.
NICK: (Puts on hat) Then I dare you, come take it off my head, pal. (Long pause whilst they all glare at Spencer) I dare you!
SCHMIDT: (Walks over and outs another hat on)
WINSTON: You guys looks ridiculous. (Smirks)
NICK: Look dude, give her the shirt back, (motions at shirt) I bet she worked hard on that 'JAM-boree'.
JESS: Yeah. Play on words. Jam. Boree. Jam!
NICK AND SCHMIDT: Jam!
SCHMIDT: We all made a lot of jam, Spence. You know how time consuming that can be? You need a jar funnel, a canner, some fresh fruit; strawberries, raspberries, maybe a tayberry, maybe a ripe...
NICK: No more fruit.
SPENCER: You live with these people Jess?! Seriously?! You can stay here until you can find a better place to live.
NICK: You know what, I don't like you stretch. I don't like anything about you. And I'm not afraid to...
JESS: (Touches Nicks shoulder, to Nick) I got this. (To Spencer) I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six year trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me, thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have ended up marrying you and then you would have hurt me all over again. (Sigh) And yeah, I was scared to start over, I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real, but I love these guys, I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them. All of them!
GUYS: Just take it easy on the love stuff...
WINSTON: (Bends down to pick up a hat) Give her the shirt back, man. (Puts hat on)
SPENCER: What happens if I say no?
SCHMIDT: You know what happens? Schmidt happens! (Slaps Spencer)
SPENCER: Ow. What's on your hand?
SCHMIDT: Thumb ring, bitch! You got some Schmidt on your face!
CECE: (Walks out with some more of her stuff, including her bike)
SPENCER: You know what, fine, here, take it. (Takes off shirt)
CECE: (Walks by him) Keep the bell. (Chucks bell at him)
SPENCER: You know, I thought we were going to handle this like adults, Jess.
JESS: Yeah well, I though you were the love of my life, so... (shot of the guys watching her from in front of the car with her stuff) Suck it, Mr. Crabs! (Walks back to the car where they all pat her on the back)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[WINSTON AND SCHMIDT CARRYING SOME OF JESS' STUFF AND WALKING THROUGH THE BUILDING]
WINSTON: I do hate that guy.
SCHMIDT: (Shrugs shoulders) Whatevs, you know.
WINSTON: (Laughs) You know what? Maybe I didn't have respect for you before, because, if this is what respecting you feels like, this is definitely not how I felt. (Stops in Jess' room and start putting stuff down)
SCHMIDT: So you recognize? Represent, what.
WINSTON: Okay, look, I'm gonna be completely honest, I've been messing with you, but it's just that I wanted my old room back. You know, you're right, I've been away a long time and things have changed around here so I kind of got to get used to that. Keep the big room.
SCHMIDT: So now you're just deep dogging me, man. I'm not scared of your mind games, I'm taking the small room, Winston.
WINSTON: Schmidt, that's not what I mean...
SCHMIDT: No no no no no. Why don't you listen to me. You can double reverse dog me until the cows come home. I'm not falling for it. What do you take me for? Some kind of idiot?
WINSTON: (Behind Schmidt's back - a yeah! action.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EVERYONE IS IN THE LIVING ROOM, NICK IS TRYING TO TAPE UP THE TV
JESS: I can't believe I got all my stuff back.
NICK: You did, but most of it's broken.
JESS: Yeah it's broken, but, I don't know, it's mine.
NICK: Yeah, but it's broken. (TV makes a beep sound) Hey! Look at that.
JESS: Oh my God.
NICK: I think it's working.
JESS: Oh my God!
NICK: We got a TV again. (High fives her)
JESS: It's a TV and it's working.
NICK: Hey, we got the TV back. (Sits down with Jess) Alright. (Winston comes and sits down)
JESS: You guys are awesome. I'm gonna make you so much jam.
NICK: Please don't. (Schmidt sits down)
JESS: We're gonna have a jam sess.
NICK: Absolutely not. (TV falls to the side and they all turn their heads) Okay, what are we watching?
JESS: I have some DVDs. Um, Adventures of Babysitting, Prancer, Noosies, Curly Sue.
WINSTON: I'm going out. (All the guys get up)
JESS: Wait, where are you guys going? These are heart-warming films.
SCHMIDT: (Comes running back in) Curly Sue, let's do this.
JESS: Alright, lemme go get it.


-[Storybrooke]-
(Mr. Gold knocks on the door to Mary Margaret's apartment. Emma answers.)
Mr. Gold: Ready to go, Miss Swan?
Emma: Almost.
(Mr. Gold enters the apartment, and Henry enters the room with a suitcase and his coat.)
Henry: Do you think we'll be cold where we're going, or warm?
Emma: I think layers are always a good idea.
Mr. Gold: I thought the terms of our agreement were quite clear. You owe me a favour - you alone.
Emma: I'm not leaving Henry here with Cora lurking about, so either we both go, or we both stay.
Mr. Gold: Then, we'll have to purchase another plane ticket, won't we?
(Mary Margaret enters and helps Henry put on his jacket.)
Emma: Wait. We're flying?
Mr. Gold: Don't worry, I'm covering expenses. Even the new ones.
(David overhears the conversation as he comes down the stairs.)
David: You're a real gentleman, aren't you? Alright, Gold, you're going out there with my family. Just know, if anything happens to them...
Mr. Gold: Then you'll what? Cross the town line? And David Nolan will hunt me down in his animal rescue van?
David: I'll be devastated. This isn't a threat. It's a request. Take care of them.
Mr. Gold: I promise no harm will come to your family. After all, we have a deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mr. Gold, equipped with the shawl around his neck, is driving. Emma is in the passenger seat, and Henry is in the back seat. They are heading down a deserted road in Mr. Gold's car.)
Henry: So... Where are we going?
Mr. Gold: Logan International Airport.
Emma: I think he meant after that.
Mr. Gold: Let's just take things one step at a time, shall we?
Emma: You really think that shawl's going to work?
Mr. Gold: Well, if it doesn't, and I revert to my cursed self, we're all going to have some problems. It'll work.
(They pass the 'leaving Storybrooke' sign and a wave of magic passes over Mr. Gold. There is a brief pause.)
Emma: So?
Mr. Gold: My name is Rumpelstiltskin. And we're going find my son.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At Mary Margaret's apartment, Mary Margaret is in the kitchen when David enters wearing two gun holsters.)
MMB: You like the holster, huh?
David: I miss carrying a sword.
MMB: Well, it looks good on you.
David: Come on. Leroy has the dwarves on Cora watch. They've got eyes everywhere, but they could use our help.
MMB: Really? How hard can it be to find a powerful sorceress in a small town?
(They go to leave. When they open the door, they find Regina, who was just preparing to knock.)
David: Apparently, not very hard.
MMB: Regina. You're back.
Regina: I know you think I'm responsible for poor Dr. Hopper's death.
David: He's... Alive.
Regina: What?
MMB: You were framed.
Regina: Who would do that?
MMB: Your mother. She's here.
Regina: But... But that's... That's... Not possible.
MMB: When we found a way back, so did she. We were wrong... And we're so sorry.
Regina: I know. But, if Cora's here, then we're all in danger. Please, you have to let me see my son. I can protect him.
MMB: He's not here.
Regina: What?
David: Mr. Gold asked Emma to help him find his son. They left town about an hour ago with Henry.
Regina: And no one told me?
MMB: We didn't know where you were. And, to be honest, Regina, I don't think Emma has to run anything by you.
Regina: No, I suppose she doesn't.
(Regina exits.)
MMB: That went well.
David: With her, it doesn't get much better. Come on. Let's go find Cora.
MMB: Where?
David: No idea. But I know who to ask.
(David hands a quiver of arrows and a bow to Mary Margaret, and the two of them leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David, Mary Margaret, Leroy, and Hook are at the docks. Hook walks with an obvious limp.)
Hook: You didn't even ask me about my recovery.
MMB: How are you feeling, Hook?
Hook: Come closer and feel for yourself.
(David hits Hook.)
David: You want to lose the other hand? Where's the ship? Come on. Archie told us. It's shielded somehow, isn't it, mate?
Hook: Aye... That it is. Follow me. I don't know what you expect to find. Cora won't be there.
David: Well, maybe she left something behind that will tell us where she went. Let's go.
Leroy: No funny business. I'm watching you, pirate.
Hook: Yes, Dwarf. That should deter me from any maleficence.
MMB: Oh, don't worry, Leroy. He'll help us.
Hook: What makes you so sure?
MMB: Because you're a pirate. You know which way the wind blows, and, right now, it is gusting towards us.
Hook: Oh. I see where your daughter got her gumption. Follow me.
(They arrive at the pier where the ship is anchored. Hook walks up the invisible stairs and disappears behind the shield. The rest of them follow suit.)
Leroy: You sailed this ship from our land. Can you sail it back?
Hook: My ship? She's a marvel. Made from enchanted wood. We weathered many a storm together, seen many strange, glittering shores. But, to travel between lands, she must go through a portal.
David: Yeah. What do you know about Cora's plans?
Hook: Cora's not the most communicative of lasses. I will tell you this - whatever malice she has in mind, her weapon of choice is in here.
(Hook gestures to a tarp covered box. Leroy and David pull back the tarp, revealing a cage. Inside, is the shrunken giant from the beanstalk. He is unconscious/sleeping.)
MMB: Who's that?
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(At the giant's castle, the giants have gathered for dinner. One of them rings a bell to summon Anton. Anton enters.)
Arlo: Ah. You're late, Tiny.
Abraham: Missed you out in the fields, Tiny.
Anton: It's Anton.
Abraham: But you're just so damn tiny, Tiny.
Arlo: Alright, enough squabbling. Now, today, we celebrate. After a century of hard labour, the time of the bean harvest has finally arrived.
(The giants, save Anton, pound their fists into the table and cheer.)
Anton: ...Yay.
Arlo: But is a blossom more than its root? Is a harvest more important than a hard day's work? No. Each has value. Just as each of us has value. Hear, hear.
Group: Hear, hear.
(The giants stand up to toast, but are interrupted by a loud bang. They look over at Anton. A human-sized harp has slipped from his sleeve onto the table.)
Arlo: You've been spending time in the treasure room again, haven't you?
Anton: No. Maybe. So say that I was. So what?
Arlo: Your fascination with the humans and their artifacts is misguided. No good can come of it.
Anton: How can you say that, when you've never even been to their world? And you won't even let any of us go down there.
Arlo: Have you forgotten what the humans did? Why we no longer trade beans with them? They weren't content merely traveling between the realms. They had to conquer and pillage.
Anton: Because a few humans did some bad stuff, doesn't make them all evil.
Arlo: They don't abide by the same laws that we do, Anton. We giants foster life. They destroy it. That is why they must never know that we still exist, or that we still grow the beans.
Anton: But why do we keep growing them... If nobody ever uses them?
(There is an awkward silence at the table.)
Arlo: It's what we do.
Anton: We don't do anything with them!
Arlo: It is the labour that makes us who we are. Not the fruit that it yields.
Abraham: What is this? A human toy?
(Abraham picks up the harp and inspects it.)
Anton: Put it down.
(He crushes the harp in his hand and drops it to the floor.)
Abraham: Not much fun, is it?
Arlo: Abraham, that is enough.
(Anton gets up from the table and runs out of the room. Arlo calls after him.)
Arlo: Tiny!
(Anton exits the castle until he comes to the beanstalk. He looks down and ponders. He then decides to climb down to earth.)
-[Storybrooke]-
(David and company are still on Hook's ship. They are gathered around Anton's cage.)
Leroy: So, Cora used magic to make him travel-sized.
Hook: Whatever she intends to do with him, it's important.
David: Oh, I think you know exactly what she intends. You're holding out.
Hook: Well, either have your lovely wife torture it out of me, which I promise will be fun for both-
(David grabs Hook by the throat and shoves him against the wall.)
David: Why don't you and I have some fun?
Hook: I don't know what she's planning. Why don't you wake the bloody giant and ask him yourself?
(Hook extends the key to the cage. Mary Margaret takes it and unlocks the door. She crouches down and touches Anton on the shoulder. He startles awake.)
MMB: Hey... It's alright. You're safe now.
(Anton crawls out of the cage.)
MMB: What's your name?
Anton: Anton. Where's that witch?
MMB: She's gone.
Anton: What did she do? She made me small.
David: Come on. Let's get you out of here.
Anton: You.
David: Me?
Anton: You!
(Anton punches David in the face, causing him to fly backwards.)
MMB: David!
Leroy: Hey! Hey, over here, you big-
(Leroy attempts to distract Anton, but is thrown down the stairs of the ship. Anton lunges at David, who has drawn his gun. He easily hits it out of his hand. Suddenly, Mary Margaret shoots an arrow past Anton's head.)
MMB: Step away from my husband.
Anton: You may have me outnumbered, but this isn't over. You think I forgot what you did? I didn't. You'll pay for your evil. I promise! You'll pay!
(Anton flees the ship.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Belle is watching television in a common room at the hospital. Ruby enters with a basket of items.)
Ruby: Hey. You don't remember me, do you?
Belle: Sorry, no, I... I don't.
Ruby: I'm Ruby. You used to come into my Granny's diner a lot. Before. I thought you could use some comforts from home. You were always telling me about Jules Verne, so I brought you my favorite - The Mysterious Island.
Belle: Thank you. Were... Were we really friends?
Ruby: Yeah, we were.
Belle: Then tell me the truth. Before I was brought here, I was hurt. I was bleeding, and then this man came. And he... He healed me. Then, I saw him hold a ball of fire in his hands. How... How is that possible?!
Ruby: The nurse said that the tranquilizers can give you wicked nightmares.
Belle: No, I know what I saw. And I don't need any more tranquilizers or-
Ruby: Belle...
Belle: Don't call me that. Why does everyone keep calling me that?
(A nurse enters to restrain Belle.)
Belle: I don't... I'm telling you, I don't...
Nurse: Take it easy. Take it easy.
(The nurse sits her down in a chair and injects a sedative into her Belle's arm.)
Ruby: Has she been like this the whole time?
Nurse: More or less. We've had to keep her heavily sedated. Okay, let's get you back to bed.
Belle: No...
Nurse: Here we go. There.
(The nurse escorts Belle out of the room. Meanwhile, Greg has entered and has seen the outburst.)
Greg: Everything okay in here?
Ruby: Everything's fine, Mr. Mendell. She's alright. How are you?
Greg: Much improved.
Ruby: Well, then, rest up. The sooner you're better, the sooner you can be out of our quiet little town.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David, Mary Margaret, and Leroy are sitting in a booth at Granny's Diner.)
MMB: David... Did that giant just say he'll make you pay? For what?
David: I have no idea. I've never seen that guy before.
Leroy: Well, he sure knows you.
David: No. It's not about me. He just thinks it is.
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(At his castle, James and barely-clothed Jack are having a make out session.)
James: You are a true wonder.
Jack: I know.
(James picks her up and carries her to the bed. He drops her onto it, and the two of them resume where they left off. However, King George enters and interrupts.)
King George: I didn't know you had company, James.
James: Father. This is my father, the King. Father, this is-
King George: I don't care. The kingdom is teetering on bankruptcy. The name of your latest dalliance is of little concern to me.
Jack: Pleasure to meet you, too, Your Majesty.
King George: Good day.
James: Care for a drink, Father?
(James goes over to a side table to pour himself a drink.)
King George: There'll be time for that later. Right now, there's trouble afoot. I just received word that there's a giant running amok in the outer village.
James: I thought giants were extinct.
Jack: I'd love the chance to battle one.
King George: No. No killing. Not yet, anyway. This giant could be of use to us.
James: Just tell me what needs to be done.
-[Storybrooke]-
(The trio is still at Granny's.)
MMB: Your brother. That's who he thinks you are.
David: It's the only thing that makes sense. Come on.
MMB: Where are we going?
David: To find out just what kind of trouble my brother got himself into. Leroy, get your head looked at and gather the dwarves. We need to keep an eye out for this giant.
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(Anton has successfully climbed down the beanstalk. He comes to a tavern, where he leans down and peers inside the window. Seeing as he can't fit, he gets up and turns to leave. However, James and Jack have noticed him and chase after him.)
James: If you want some ale, you should ask! They'll serve anyone who can pay, my friend. I'm James - Prince of this realm. I wanted to make sure you received a warm welcome.
Anton: I'm Anton. I'm a giant.
James: Yeah, I can see that. What brings you to our land?
Anton: I've always been fascinated with your customs. I just... Wanted to see it for myself.
James: Well, we would be more than happy to show you around. Of course, there's the matter of your size.
Anton: I'm too small for back home, I'm too big for here.
Jack: Don't despair, Anton. I have something that may help you.
Anton: What is it?
(She pulls out a small piece of mushroom.)
Jack: Magic. A piece of mushroom from a far-off land. I once slayed a Jabberwock that was terrorizing a village, and they... They couldn't pay me in gold, so they paid me with this, instead. If you eat it, it will change your size. Its effects are temporary, but we have more.
(Anton reaches down and Jack drops the mushroom piece into his hand.)
Jack: I'm pretty sure this one makes you smaller.
Anton: Pretty sure?
Jack: Well, I haven't had the occasion to try it, but... The wise woman who gave it to me swore by its power.
James: Go on, Anton. Give it a try.
Anton: I have no way to repay you for your kindness.
Jack: No need. If it makes you happy, that's all the payment that we desire.
Anton: Well, then at least tell me your name.
Jack: Jacqueline. But... Most people call me Jack.
Anton: Nice to meet you, Jack.
-[Boston]-
(Emma, Henry and Mr. Gold have arrived at the airport. They pick up their boarding passes from the desk, and then enter the line for security.)
Henry: Have you ever been outside of Storybrooke before, Mr. Gold?
Mr. Gold: No.
Henry: Are you nervous?
Mr. Gold: No.
Henry: Are you worried about meeting your son?
Mr. Gold: No, Henry, I'm fine.
Emma: How about we talk about all this later, kid? We're next.
(Henry and Emma begin taking off their shoes to put in the boxes.)
Henry: It must be really hard not to use magic - being like everyone else.
Emma: You've got to put your shoes in.
Mr. Gold: How terribly uncivilized.
(Mr. Gold takes off his shoes and Henry goes through the metal detector.)
TSA Agent: Uh, scarf and the cane go in the basket.
Mr. Gold: What?
TSA Agent: Scarf and cane go in the basket.
Mr. Gold: I can't.
Emma: You have to.
(The man behind them interrupts.)
Man: It ain't rocket science, buddy. You ever been on a plane before?
Mr. Gold: Have you ever been impaled upon a cane before?
Emma: My... Father's a little nervous. We're headed to a family reunion. Sorry.
Mr. Gold: Father?
Emma: Just put your shawl in the bin. I'll help you get through.
Mr. Gold: If I let this go, I could forget who I am.
Emma: I'm not going to let that happen.
Mr. Gold: Okay.
(Mr. Gold takes the shawl off and puts it in the box with his cane. When he does, his hearing becomes distorted and he stumbles. He goes through the metal detector in almost a trace-like state, until Emma has a chance to grab his shawl out of the box on the other side of security. She puts it around his neck and his hearing and mind go back to normal. Mr. Gold gives a slight nod and the two of them begin to put their shoes back on. Henry is there waiting for them.)
Henry: Guys, there's a Cinnabons here!
-[Storybrooke]-
(Hook enters a deserted alley near the docks. He places a card - the Queen of Hearts - onto the ground. When he turns around, Regina has appeared behind him.)
Regina: Hello, Hook.
Hook: Regina.
Regina: Expecting my mother? The one you were supposed to kill?
Hook: Oh, that. Well, I didn't want to deprive you of a happy reunion.
Regina: Well, it's your lucky day. She and I have made amends.
Hook: And you're here to thank me? How sweet.
Regina: She wants to know if they've found the ship.
Hook: Well, you can tell her, she can ask me herself.
Regina: She decided it wouldn't be prudent for her to be out and about.
Hook: Well, then it is my lucky day. And you can tell her they found the ship.
Regina: Well, did you get her things off it?
Hook: I've been tied up in bed - not in the good way.
Regina: She needs her things.
Hook: Oh, I'll bet she does. Well, there's good news, then. A giant got loose from the hold.
Regina: You lost a giant?
Hook: Well, a shrunken giant.
Regina: How is that good news?
Hook: Because, when he got free, he took one look at the Prince, and became extremely murderous.
Regina: Hm. A giant in town who wants to kill the Prince. This is just the distraction we need.
Hook: That it is, dear.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsewhere, Anton is attempting to navigate the streets of Storybrooke. He dodges cars as they honk at him.)
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(Anton, who is now small, James, and Jack enter the tavern. James pulls out a chair for Anton, and the three of them sit at a table.)
James: Much better to be on the inside, huh? Please. You're the guest of honour.
Anton: No fighting for a seat at the table. If my brothers could see me now...
Jack: I'm not so sure about this family of yours, Anton. It doesn't sound like they appreciate you.
Anton: They're not so bad. Except for the... Making fun of me. And the pushing me around. And the harsh words. Well, yeah, it's sort of bad.
James: Sometimes, you have to leave home to find the people you...truly belong with. Your real family.
Jack: It's like you were always meant to be here, Anton.
James: Now, make sure our Anton has all that he needs.
(James gets up and heads to the other side of the pub. In the corner, a group of people are playing music. One of them is playing a harp.)
Anton: I had one of those once. I never knew it made such beautiful music. My brothers are so wrong about humans.
(Anton overhears James arguing with another man.)
James: It's unacceptable! Go back there and tell him what I said. Promise them anything. I don't care-
Anton: Is there a problem?
Jack: He didn't tell you, did he? The royal coffers are empty. James and his father are deeply in debt to a neighboring kingdom.
Anton: I don't understand.
Jack: If James can't pay back what he owes, they'll plunder this realm, and burn it to the ground.
Anton: Now I understand.
Jack: It's bad.
Anton: Will the other kingdom only accept gold coins?
Jack: Well, it depends. A magic bean, for instance, would be worth a thousand coins, but... You don't have any of those back home. ...Do you?
Anton: No. No beans. We do have treasure. Enough to pay off your debts, I bet.
Jack: You would help us?
Anton: Without question. If I'm going to stay here for good, might as well make sure it's a nice kingdom and not, you know - burned to the ground.
Jack: You are our hero.
-[Storybrooke]-
(In the woods, Anton is sitting on a log and looking forlornly at the river. Regina approaches him.)
Anton: Get away from me!
Regina: I'm here to help you.
Anton: No. You're human. I hate humans.
(Regina continues to walk towards him.)
Anton: Don't come any closer! Or I'll kill you.
Regina: Look, I hear you're in town cause you want to kill someone. I can help. I have no love for this Prince, either, and if you want to destroy this town to get to him... Well, I'm happy to do my part. This will make you bigger. It will return you to your former glory.
(He takes the proffered mushroom and takes a bite. In a puff of blue smoke, he returns to his former giant size.)
Regina: Now, get to work! As I'm sure you're aware, that mushroom won't last forever.
-[Boston]-
(Emma, Mr. Gold and Henry are waiting by their gate. Mr. Gold is pacing back and forth.)
Emma: Do you want something to eat?
Mr. Gold: No.
Emma: Is something wrong?
Mr. Gold: Stop asking me that! I'll be right back.
(Mr. Gold leaves and enters the public washroom. He enters one of the stalls and locks the door. Still anxious, he starts to pace back and forth, until he suddenly drops his cane and begins violently punching the toilet seat cover dispenser on the wall. Afterward, Mr. Gold leans against the wall and looks down at his bloodied hand. He waves his hand over the wounds, but nothing happens. He tries again with the same result. Henry enters the washroom and calls out for him.)
Henry: Mr. Gold? Mr. Gold? We're boarding soon. Are you coming?
(He ignores Henry.)
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(Anton has returned to the castle and is gathering treasure. Arlo finds him there.)
Arlo: Anton. Anton, where have you been? We were worried.
Anton: I needed to get away for a little while. So, I went down below to see things for myself.
Arlo: You went to the human world? Do you have any idea how dangerous that could be?
Anton: I met friends there - friends who understand me. Who like me. And I plan to go back for good.
Arlo: Anton... I know we tease you. But we love you. You're our brother. You know that. You expect these humans to just welcome you with open arms? You could crush them.
Anton: There's magic that can change me to their size. And, with this treasure, we can all be happy.
(Outside, the sound of birds can be heard.)
Arlo: Sentry birds. Someone has trespassed on our land. You told the humans you were coming here, didn't you? You showed them the beanstalk.
-[Storybrooke]-
(Mary Margaret and David watch from a distance as Anton terrorizes the town.)
Anton: That's right! Run! Run!
(He picks up a car and throws it in David and Mary Margaret's direction, then continues his path of destruction. The citizens of Storybrooke scramble for safety as Mary Margaret and David follow Anton.)
David: Head to the town hall! Bring anyone you find on the way! Somebody get Leroy!
MMB: Guess we found our giant. I just didn't think he would be so...
David: Giant?
MMB: My mistake.
David: Ever stop one before?
MMB: Nope.
David: Well... Here's to new firsts.
(David yells to Anton to get his attention.)
David: Wait! You don't have to do this!
Anton: Yeah, I do. You destroyed everything in my life. Now you're going to know what that feels like.
David: The man who hurt you? That wasn't me. That was my twin brother James. We were separated at birth. He was raised by a... A ruthless King.
Anton: You're not James?
David: No!
Anton: Then where is he?
David: He paid the ultimate price for his arrogance. He's dead! There is nothing more you can do to him.
MMB: We're on your side, Anton! We're good! We're here because of you. You know our daughter Emma. You gave her the magic compass.
Anton: Emma? Let me talk to her. She says you're okay, then I'll stop.
(Leroy has arrived and joins Mary Margaret.)
MMB: She's kind of out of town.
Anton: Really?
MMB: But when she gets back, I know she'll really want to talk to you.
Anton: How convenient. Everyone I'm looking for isn't around! All you humans do is lie, and cheat, and kill, and I'm sick of it!
(Anton charges after them.)
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(Anton and Arlo head to the beanstalk, where they find James and Jack.)
Arlo: Humans. Let's kill them.
Anton: No, no, no! It's not like that. Arlo, these are my friends, James and Jack. Guys, you didn't have to come up here. The treasure's ready to go.
James: Oh, we're not here for the treasure. We're here for the beans. All of them.
Anton: But... You're my friends. H-how-
(Jack draws her sword.)
Jack: No, we're not. If you and your people want to save your lives, take us to the beans.
Arlo: No. We may live in peace, but we will fight to protect what is ours.
James: Then a fight is what you shall have.
(James draws his sword. Jack and James charge towards the giants.)
-[Storybrooke]-
(Mary Margaret, David, and Leroy run down the streets of Storybrooke as Anton chases after them.)
Leroy: So let me get this straight - you got a twin brother?
David: Yeah.
Leroy: His name is James?
David: Right.
Leroy: Well, your name is James.
David: No, actually, it's not.
Leroy: It's Charming, then?
MMB: No, that's the nickname I gave him.
Leroy: Hey, hold on. What the hell is your name?
David: David.
Leroy: Your curse name?
David: My real name!
Leroy: What, you're David, James, and Charming? Is David like a middle name?
David: No! It's my name-name.
Leroy: You know what? I'm going to call you whatever I damn well please! Is that okay?!
David: Sure, Leroy.
Leroy: So what's the plan?
David: Lead the giant away from here, so he can't hurt anyone.
MMB: Wait. If we keep heading in this direction, we're going to hit the town line.
David: Okay, new plan.
(The three of them stop near the docks. David approaches the giant.)
MMB: What are you doing?
David: Giving him what he wants. Anton! How about we make a deal?
Anton: I don't make deals with humans.
David: Just hear me out. I'll surrender myself to you, if you spare the lives of everyone in Storybrooke.
MMB: David, you can't do this.
David: If I don't, the whole town will suffer. I can't allow that. Well, what do you say?
Anton: Deal.
(Anton lunges towards David and tries to jump on him. However, Mary Margaret pulls David out of the way at the last second, and Anton ends up jumping straight through the ground. Stuck, the mushroom's effects then wear off, and Anton seems to disappear in a puff of blue smoke. All that's left is a large hole in the ground.)
MMB: Where did he go?
David: I'm not sure.
(They head over to the hole to investigate, where they find Anton hanging on to an underground pipe.)
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(Anton runs through the castle as the battle rages outside. He meets up with Arlo.)
Arlo: Anton. The human armies are overrunning us. Abraham and Andre have fallen. The human swords are poisoned.
Anton: This is all because of me. I've ruined everything.
Arlo: No, you still have a chance to save us.
Anton: How?
Arlo: The beans, Anton. You must raze the fields.
Anton: No!
Arlo: If the humans take the beans, they will bring their violence to every realm. It is your birthright to protect the beans. Right now, that means destroying them.
-[Storybrooke]-
(The dwarves, Granny, and Ruby have arrived on the scene with a truck and some rope. Anton is still hanging onto the pipe below.)
David: That better hold.
Leroy: It'll hold.
Granny: I got this.
(Granny ties the rope to the back of the truck and Leroy throws the rope down the side of the hole. Mary Margaret then kisses David.)
MMB: Most people would let that giant die after what he's done.
David: You wouldn't.
(David wraps the rope around his waist and begins to shimmy down the hole.)
David: Alright, Anton! I'm coming down!
(He gets down to Anton and extends his hand.)
David: Take my hand.
Anton: No!
David: No?
Anton: I don't want to go back up there. I should just let go!
David: You'll die.
Anton: Maybe death hurts less than life.
David: If you really wanted to die, you would have let go already. Now take my hand!
(Anton finally grabs David's hand and the people above pull them out of the hole.)
Leroy: Come on.
MMB: Almost! A little more!
(David and Anton are successfully pulled up. Mary Margaret hugs David.)
Anton: You saved my life.
David: That's what we do.
Anton: Thank you.
Leroy: You're welcome.
David: We're not all the same, Anton. I don't know what my brother did to you, but... That's not us.
Anton: You have no idea.
-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]-
(In the treasure room, Jack is fighting Arlo, while James stuffs treasure into a sack. Jack stabs Arlo in the ankle with the sword, causing him to yell in pain. However, Jack isn't quick enough to get away, and Arlo grabs Jack.)
Jack: James!
(Arlo takes Jack's sword and stabs her with it. He then tosses her and the sword onto the ground. He falls over due to the poison, just as Anton enters the room.)
Anton: Arlo? No... No, no, no, no!
(James, having filled the sack with treasure, goes to leave. Jack is dying on the floor.)
Jack: James! Please...
James: I'm sorry, Jack. But I have a kingdom to run. I'm sure you understand.
(James exits, leaving Jack behind. Anton tends to Arlo.)
Arlo: Anton... The poison. It's in my blood. Did you...
Anton: All destroyed. The fields and every last bean.
Arlo: Oh, good. Good. That's what's important.
Anton: No. Everyone else is dead. You can't die, too, please!
Arlo: I know your path is hard. But someday, you will know which road to choose. And when you do, you will need this.
(Arlo takes out a vial with a piece of beanstalk inside. He hands it to Anton.)
Arlo: A preserved cutting...from the stalk. Plant it. New beans will grow.
Anton: You had me salt the land. Nothing can grow here.
Arlo: Then someday, you will find... New land.
Anton: How? Arlo? Arlo?! No...
-[Storybrooke]-
(Anton and the rescue group enter Granny's Diner.)
Leroy: This is Granny's. She makes a mean lasagna and runs an inn, so I'm sure we can set you up with a room till you find a place.
Anton: Thanks, but I think I'll set up camp in the woods.
Leroy: The woods?
Anton: Yeah, I'm better off alone. I'm not too good at fitting in.
Leroy: You're in the right place. Storybrooke's got all kinds - dwarves, fairies, werewolves, you name it. Ruby, beers all around!
MMB: We all miss our land, Anton. But this is our home now.
Anton: You never think about going back?
MMB: Of course we do. It's just not possible.
David: We have no way to get there.
Anton: How's the farmland here?
David: Pretty good. Why?
(Anton takes out the vial with the piece of beanstalk.)
Anton: The stem is from a beanstalk. If I plant it, it should be able to grow some magic beans. And then, you just may have a way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mary Margaret, David, Anton, and the dwarves have gathered in a field. Anton checks the soil.)
David: Well, what's the verdict?
Anton: Soil's got a nice loamy feel. Lot of minerals. The beans should grow well here. Only one problem.
MMB: What's that?
Anton: Cora. This is why she brought me. She wanted me to grow beans. So whatever she plans to do with them... Can't be good.
MMB: Then we won't let her get to them.
Leroy: No one touches our crop.
Anton: Your crop? I thought you guys were miners?
Leroy: Work is work. It's what we do. So what do you say? You up for some help?
Anton: Okay.
Leroy: Happy!
(Happy hands a pick axe to Anton.)
Leroy: Here. To help break up the earth.
(Anton looks down, and the name 'Tiny' appears on the handle.)
Anton: 'Tiny'. My brothers used to call me that.
Leroy: Axe never lies.
David: Wait a second. I did my time in the mines. How come I didn't get one of those?
Leroy: Cause you ain't a dwarf. Welcome aboard, brother.
(The dwarves and Anton begin to hack away at the earth. They whistle.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Belle is reading in her room at the hospital. Greg enters.)
Greg: Hey. It's okay.
Belle: Who, uh... Who are you?
Greg: My name's Greg, okay? I... I'm a patient here, just like you. I... I'm really sorry to bother you, but... I'm the one that was driving the car in... In the accident.
Belle: Oh. Are you okay?
Greg: Yeah. Yeah, they, um... They patched me up pretty good. Look, I... I overheard you talking. About how you saw a guy with a ball of fire.
Belle: And you think I'm crazy, too. Well, I did see it. I-
Greg: Hey, I know that you're not crazy.
Belle: You do?
Greg: Cause I saw it, too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David exits Granny's Diner with two coffees. He hands one to Mary Margaret, who is waiting outside.)
David: Here's to not getting squashed by a giant.
MMB: I'll drink to that.
David: Sometimes I wonder how things would've turned out if I had been the one raised by King George instead of my brother. You know, would I have been...corrupt like him?
MMB: Never.
David: Same blood ran through our veins.
MMB: Mm, but your hearts are different. You may not believe it, but trust me - I know you, Charming. I had a lot of fun today.
David: Fun?
MMB: Uh-huh.
David: Almost getting killed is fun?
MMB: Yeah. I missed our adventures.
David: Me, too. It was kind of fun. You know, we could do this all the time. When the beans grow, we could go back. Everyone could go home.
MMB: I don't know.
David: What don't you know?
MMB: Home is where our family is. And that's here. I don't know if Emma would come with us, and I am not going to be separated from her again.
David: You're worried about her.
MMB: Aren't you?
David: Of course, but... Emma... Emma can take care of herself, and I'm sure wherever she and Henry are, they're safe.
-[Boston]-
(Emma, Henry, and Mr. Gold have boarded the plane and are waiting for takeoff. Henry has a box of cinnamon buns on his lap.)
Emma: You good, kid?
Henry: You kidding? A trip with you, first plane ride, and we're going on a quest like in the book. The only thing that could make this day better? Is more frosting.
(Emma looks down and notices Mr. Gold's bandaged hand.)
Emma: It's going to be alright. We're going to find your son.
Mr. Gold: I know.
(The take off announcement begins.)
Announcement: Welcome, folks, to Ajira Airlines regional flight fifty-three, with non-stop service to New York City. Our flight time tonight is forty-two minutes. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
(The plane engines start. Mr. Gold stares ahead blankly.)
-[End]-


Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Final check by Kim
[Scene: Joey's place. Rachel and Joey are talking]
Joey: All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris.
Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey: Just flip!
Rachel (she flips the coin): Ha, tails!
Joey: Damnit!
(Chandler and Monica enter the room)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven.
Rachel: Oh, that sounds good!
Monica: Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing?
Rachel: It's all done!
Monica: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it.
Rachel: I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane...
Monica: Ok, so you've done some good work! (pause) What about your carry-ons?
Rachel: Oh, well. Everything that I need (she takes her bag) is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them.
Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! (they hug)
Chandler: Where's your passport?
Rachel: It should be right next to my plane ticket.
Chandler: Well, it's not.
Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here (she opens her bag). Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes!
Monica: Here, let me help you. (they both start opening boxes)
Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this!
Chandler (to Joey): At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?
OPENING SEQUENCE
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Erica are talking about the baby, and Monica is rubbing Erica's tummy.]
Monica: Oh, wow, can you believe you're like three weeks away?
Erica: I know.
Monica: You don't mind me touching your belly, do you?
Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out.
(She takes her hand off Erica. Ross enters the room)
Ross: Hey!
Erica: Hi.
Ross: Hey Erica, welcome back to town! (pause) Wow, look how big you've gotten.
Erica: That's because I'm pregnant!
Ross: Right, no, I understand.
Erica: Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid that people think I'm just fat with big breasts.
Ross: No, no, I knew (he stares at her breasts).
Monica (to Ross): Okay, well, stop staring at them.
Ross: She brought them up! (pause) I didn't realize you were coming back so soon!
Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won't be able to travel.
Monica: Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel.
Ross: Hotel? Why isn't she staying with you guys?
Monica: Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense.
Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks!
Ross: Erica, those things aren't free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product...
Monica: Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants.
Erica (standing up): I'll be right back.
Ross: Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place.
Monica: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana's name.
Ross: No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey?
Monica: Yeah, it takes two incomes.
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie.
Monica: Oh, no. He doesn't have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room.
Ross: Mhm, (he balance things) packing - sexy cheerleader comedy.
Monica: Mhm, helpful brother - creepy loner at teen movie.
(Ross takes the tape roll she's handing him and walks to the guest room while mocking Monica's voice)
[Scene: Guest room. Joey has his head wrapped in bubbled wrap and Chandler is punching him. Ross enters the room.]
Ross: What are you guys doing?
Joey: Try it, I can't feel a thing! (Ross starts punching him too)
Monica (enters the room): Are, are you kidding? This is packing?
Chandler: We're taking a break!
Monica: From?
Chandler: Jumping on the bed?
Monica: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos!
Ross: You got it! (Monica leaves, Ross closes the door). All right, she's right, we gotta get serious. (He grabs a bag of styrofoam peanuts) Let's put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him!
Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs.
(Joey takes the bubble wrap off his head)
Joey: You guys hear a ringing?
Chandler: (holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?
Joey: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya!
Ross: Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out.
Chandler: I didn't know Monica had these!
Joey: Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard!
Chandler: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!
Ross: Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe and Ross enter the room.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig.
Ross: Yeah? Yeah, where is it?
Phoebe: Oh, he's playing organ for a children's roller-skating party.
Ross: Rock on!
Phoebe (watching the food on the table): Wow, this is quite a spread! (pause) What is all this stuff?
Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.
Joey: (entering the room) Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hey, where's Rach?
Joey: Oh, she's putting Emma down, she'll be over in a second.
Ross: Great.
Joey: Now it just hit her that she's leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok?
Monica: Yeah.
(Rachel enters the room)
Everybody: Hey Rach, hey you.
Ross: Here she is!
Rachel (crying): Hi you guys!
Joey: What did I just say?
Rachel: No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine.
Monica: Come here, I'll make you a drink.
Ross: Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel?
Chandler: I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!
Joey (to Ross): You know, I had a chance to stop her too!
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. (he stops and starts realizing something) Wait a minute...
Chandler: Yes, Joe?
Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!
Phoebe (to Rachel): You doing ok?
Rachel: Well, I've been better.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right?
Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again!
Rachel: I'm gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here (they go into the guest room).
Ross: Hey, what do you think they're doing in there?
Joey: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching.
[Scene: Guest room. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the bed.]
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start.
Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, (she takes something out from her pocket) but I do have something for you.
Rachel: Oh, oh. (she's holding the present, a transparent bag with a white stick in it). What is this?
Phoebe: It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs!
Rachel: I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. The living room.]
Monica: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these (she holds the furry handcuffs) on my pillow.
Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!
Monica: What are you talking about? These aren't mine.
Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!
Monica: That would be a terrible punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these before.
Chandler: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?
Monica: Rachel used to live in that room.
Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)
Monica: Joey's bare ass!
Chandler: (he doesn't look excited anymore). Well played.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter the living room.)
Rachel: I love you Phoebe.
Phoebe: I love you too. (they hug) Please don't... Don't turn into... you know... French bitch! (they hug again)
Rachel: All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going.
Phoebe: Ok.
Rachel: Ok. Monica?
Monica: Yeah?
Rachel: Can you come here with me for a minute?
Monica: Sure.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Are you wearing waterproof mascara?
Monica: No.
Phoebe: Oh, you're so screwed. (Monica goes into the guest room)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey. What was that all about?
Phoebe: She's gonna say goodbye to each of us individually.
Ross: Are you kidding? Oh my God...
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, it's gonna be even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some serious crying.
Ross: Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. (pause) Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations.
[Scene: The guest bedroom. Rachel and Monica are talking to each other.]
Rachel: Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me...
Monica: I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too.
Rachel: (starts crying and speaking at the same time, making it almost impossible to understand what she's saying) I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you...
Monica: (having the same problem) You're the best friend I ever had.
Rachel: (says something that cannot be understood)
Monica: What?
Rachel: I... I... I... (again saying something that cannot be understood)
Monica: That is so sweet. (they hug)
[Scene: Back to the living room. Monica and Rachel enter and hug each other. The guys see this.]
Ross: (to Joey) Oh no, she took down Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing.
Chandler: Uh, Rach?
Ross: Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her.
Joey: I really made you think about that thing uh?
Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)
Rachel: (laughs) Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get.
Chandler: No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room.
Rachel: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with...
Chandler: Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they?
Rachel: Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.
Chandler: Pheebs!
Phoebe: (from the other side of the room) Yeah!
Chandler: I think these are yours.
Phoebe: These are not mine... Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice.
Rachel: (to Chandler) Can I talk to you alone for a minute?
Chandler: Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?
Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is? (she giggles, Chandler looks aghast)
[Scene: The guest bedroom. Chandler and Rachel.]
Rachel: Oh honey...
Chandler: Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving.
Rachel: (all mushy) Oh, you know what? Let's not say anything else. I love you. (they hug)
Chandler: Ooh, not so tight... (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me one more chance.
Rachel: Okay. Oh...
(Chandler blows raspberry again)
Rachel: Oh!
Chandler: I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica's living room. We look outside to the balcony where Rachel is saying goodbye to Joey.]
Monica: (to Ross) So, I guess you're next. You're ready?
Ross: I don't think so.
Chandler: Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica: You cried yesterday at the six o'clock news.
Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.
Ross: God! I can't believe she saved me for last. (looking out to the balcony) Why are they taking so long?
Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well.
(Rachel and Joey hug, and Rachel turns to enter the apartment through the side window again. At that moment Joey tries to climb over the edge of the balcony.)
All: No, no, no, no!
(Rachel rushes back and pulls Joey back onto the balcony, and takes him inside.)
Ross: Okay, here we go...
Rachel: Oh... (holding Ross's shoulder) Well...
Ross: Yeah...
Rachel: I think I'm gonna take off. (pats Ross on his back, but he looks very surprised)
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night.
(She leaves the apartment and they all stare at Ross)
Ross: What? I don't get a goodbye?
Joey: (still very emotional) Lucky b*st*rd!
[Scene: Monica's apartment continued... Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting down and Ross is pacing up and down.]
Ross: Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me.
Monica: Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit.
Ross: Well, it needs to be plicit.
Joey: All right, let's think about this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh... did you do anything to make her mad?
Ross: No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense.
Monica: Yeah. Mine too.
Chandler: Mine was a humdinger
Ross: (annoyed) O-kay... I mean, don't I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a cursory hug? (Joey gives Ross a hug) NOT FROM YOU! (Joey lets go)
Phoebe: Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her.
Monica: And say what? "You owe me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than that.
Ross: THE HELL I DO!
(Ross takes big steps leaving for Joey and Rachel's apartment, where Rachel is going through her papers.)
Ross: I don't get a goodbye?
Rachel: What?
Ross: (talking agitated and angry) Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things.
Rachel: Ross...
Ross: Oh no, maybe it's me, I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good... (makes choking noises) IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? After all we've been through, I can't believe this is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. (He leaves the apartment. Rachel looks kind of desperate.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. The others are still there.]
Monica: I hope Ross isn't too upset.
Joey: I'm sure he's not more bummed out than I am.
Phoebe: Tell me about it.
Chandler: Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party.
Phoebe: All right, I think I'm gonna head out.
Monica: Uh, where do you think you're going?
Phoebe: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here.
Monica: We're moving in a couple of days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in.
Chandler: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room.
Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. (he mimes hitting his head with his fist)
Monica: Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here.
Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)
Monica: Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it?
Phoebe and Joey: Yeah.
Monica: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.
Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are.
Monica: You did? How?
Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used.
Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they all look at the pictures)
Joey: Who's that dirty old lady?
Chandler: Monica's grandmother.
Monica: Nana liked it rough!
(Erica, the pregnant girl, enters)
Erica: Hi!
All: Hey!
Joey: Come on here, have a seat.
Phoebe: How was your night?
Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had... Ooh... (she looks likes she is in pain, holding her belly) Hoo... ooh... Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers.
Monica: Erica, are you okay?
Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes.
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: Relax! We just get her some antacids.
Monica: She doesn't have a stomach ache, she's in labor.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yeah, you got to get to the hospital.
Monica: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! (she's hyperventilating)
Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Erica: You can do this. Just breathe.
Monica: Okay, okay... Okay, I feel a little better.
Erica: (in pain) Ooh! Are you sure?
Monica: Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey, let's go. Okay bye everyone.
(there's a lot of supportive cheers from all. Erica, Monica and Chandler leave.)
Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait...
Chandler: What?
Joey: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel bursts in.]
Rachel: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?
Ross: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me.
Ross: Fine, then why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go... Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye... Oh!
Ross: Rach!
Rachel: What?
Ross: You keep, you keep... You can't...
Rachel: WHAT?
(Ross walks over to her and starts to kiss her passionately. After a while Rachel backs out. She thinks a while and starts kissing him back.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]
Joey: A little more.
Phoebe: Okay. (she starts to stuff styrofoam peanuts down the front of Joey's pants.)
Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.
Phoebe: All right, ready?
Joey: Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot.
Phoebe: All right, here it goes...
(she knees him in the crotch. He jumps up a bit)
Joey: (in pain) Doesn't work... (he falls down on on his knees with his head on the floor)