Lucifer is drinking and watching over his mother. Amenadiel comes.
Amenadiel: Lucifer, we need to talk about something.
Lucifer: What... Can it wait? I'm busy keeping an eye on our mercurial mother.
Amenadiel: No, it's important. I think you might be in danger.
Lucifer: Is it the Yakuza? The Nephilim? One Million Mums?
Amenadiel: It's Maze. She's angry with you, brother.
Lucifer: Well, is it Tuesday already? Anger is Maze's default setting, sort of baked into her demon DNA.
Amenadiel: No, this is different, Luci. I think you really need to talk to her.
Lucifer: She'll get over it; she always does. Right now, we have bigger issues to deal with, like whether or not Mum is wasting our time.
Amenadiel: If she believes her client has found another piece of the Flaming Sword, so do I.
Lucifer: Oh, such a loyal son. But Mum hasn't adapted to this world as well as you might think. This chap could be conning her... I think I'm gonna go make sure...
Amenadiel: She seems to be doing just fine. Charlotte puts a briefcase on the table.
Lucifer: That's not the money, is it?
Amenadiel: Of course not. She wouldn't bring it to the meeting.
Lucifer: Oh, no. Of course not. I mean, that would be absurd, wouldn't it?
Amenadiel: She's just showing it to him. I mean, it's not like she's gonna hand it to him before she... Gets the piece. That's great. The guy takes the money and leaves.
Lucifer: And now she's letting him leave. Marvellous. Lucifer and Amenadiel join Charlotte.
Charlotte: Well, that went well.
Lucifer: Oh, you think so, do you?
Charlotte: I do. He has what we need in his safe in the back room.
Lucifer: Oh.
Charlotte: He's going to get it right now.
Lucifer: Mum, you just handed him a briefcase full of cash with no proof whatsoever he has what we need.
Charlotte: And?
Lucifer: You've been conned.
Charlotte: He's a client of mine, darling. I don't think he'd be that foolhardy.
Lucifer: Oh.
Charlotte: Well, I'm sure he'll be right back... Maybe we should go check just to be sure.
Lucifer: I think that's a good idea, don't you?
Charlotte: Oh. Lucifer, Charlotte and Amenadiel enter in the office manager of the restaurant. The man is dead.
Charlotte: Huh. See? He didn't con me.
Lucifer: Look, instead he's dead, and someone robbed him of what's ours... Much better. Well, the good news is, after this spectacular bungling, I happen to work with a homicide detective.
Charlotte: If you find the killer, then you'll find our piece of the Flaming Sword.
Amenadiel: Hey, but, Mom...
Lucifer: The challenge is... Making sure we catch the case before some other detective.
Amenadiel: But what about...
Charlotte: I may be able to help.
Lucifer: Really? I'm all ears. Lucifer and Charlotte leave. Maze enters in Linda's practice.
Maze: Is everything all right here?
Linda: Yeah, everything's fine, Maze. You can, uh, you-you can put away the knives.
Nigel: We'll be in touch, Dr. Martin... Excuse me.
Linda: Uh, Maze. Maze. Oh, my Lord.
Maze: Who the hell was that?
Linda: That was the chairman of the ethics review board.
Maze: Are you okay?
Linda: No. No, I am not. No, Maze. No, no, no, don't, don't. That won't do any good.
Maze: What happened?
Linda: A couple of weeks ago, I maybe, sort of... Helped Lucifer break out of a mental institution... Using my own name. It's my fault, really.
Maze: No, it is not your fault. It is Lucifer's fault. It's always Lucifer's fault. First, I find out he's ditching me to go to Heaven, and now he's hurting you... Look, I'm gonna fix this, Linda. And then him and I are gonna have a little talk. At the station, Lucifer is waiting. Chloe is working.
Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.
Lucifer: Right next to yours would probably be best.
Chloe: Definitely not happening. Why are you hovering over me?
Lucifer: I'm not hovering. I'm just spending time with my partner.
Chloe: Oh, well, since you're here, why don't you help me with this paperwork. I could really get used to this, partner.
Lucifer: Right. Yes, on second thought, maybe a desk in the far corner might...
Chloe: Mm-mm.
Lucifer: Oh! Ms. Richards.
Charlotte: Detective Decker. Just the woman I was hoping to see.
Chloe: Well, I feel the opposite. If you'll excuse me.
Charlotte: Hear me out. A client of mine called. He sounded very worried. I think he might be in terrible danger.
Lucifer: Oh, that's awful. Detective, we should do something.
Charlotte: He's at a bar downtown. Would you come with me and make sure that he's okay?
Chloe: Nope.
Charlotte: Nope?
Chloe: I'm a homicide cop. I do not go around checking on worried criminals like a nanny, Charlotte. So if we're done here...
Charlotte: I heard... Things... On a... On-on the phone call.
Chloe: Like?
Charlotte: Fingers... Pointing.
Chloe: You heard... Fingers pointing?
Charlotte: Very angrily. Yes... Also, a gunshot. Sounded like he was... Dying, or, um... Melting? It's hard to tell.
Chloe: Charlotte...
Lucifer: It sounds worth our time, actually.
Chloe: Agreed. Why didn't you just lead with that? Chloe, Lucifer and Charlotte enter in the crime scene.
Chloe: The lock's damaged.
Lucifer: Is it?
Chloe: Looks like you're right. He's been dead about an hour.
Lucifer: Oh? Impressive guess, Detective. Uh, I'm assuming from the... Discoloration... Well, that wasn't a complete Dumpster fire, but now that we're finished, you can see yourself out.
Charlotte: I'll do nothing of the sort.
Lucifer: Fine. I'll show you out, if you insist.
Charlotte: I'm not going anywhere.
Lucifer: But the detective and I have got everything handled now.
Charlotte: This is far too important to leave to just the two of you. I will stick around.
Lucifer: Mum.
Charlotte: Besides, we'll get to work together. Won't that be fun? Ella is here to exam the body.
Ella: We're running tests for gunshot residue and cocaine. Should have those in, like, five minutes.
Chloe: Okay. Good... Oh, Charlotte. You're still here, huh?
Charlotte: Well, he was my client. I thought I might be of help to the case.
Lucifer: But if not, we could always get her to shoo along and we can carry on with our business.
Chloe: No. I'm sure she could be very helpful. So tell me, why does Zeke Moore, a manager at an import/export company, have you representing him?
Charlotte: Because I'm the best.
Chloe: At getting criminals off.
Charlotte: Well, that's not true. I haven't slept with any of my clients.
Chloe: What? You represent the worst of the worst. So why was Zeke a client?
Charlotte: Because he works for Bianca Ruiz.
Lucifer: What? The tequila magnate?
Chloe: Bianca's tequila empire is a front. She uses the distribution routes to sell guns, drugs, and, oh, yeah, people. So we've been after her for a long time.
Charlotte: Who do you think did this? A rival of some sort?
Chloe: Well, that's actually a good question. Ella, what do we have?
Ella: Well, no smoking gun, but poor Zeke here got shot twice. First in the thigh... Bullet winged him... And then another went through his hand hitting him in the chest. Probably trying to defend himself. Too bad you can't catch bullets.
Lucifer: Well, he can't maybe.
Chloe: I don't think this was a professional hit. Maybe a robbery gone wrong.
Charlotte: And idea of what was taken?
Ella: Well, trace elements point to cash, cocaine, gunpowder residue, indicating weapons... All your basic bad guy stuff. No sign of forced entry, though.
Chloe: Which means the killer either knew the combination, or he just waited for the vic to open it to strike.
Ella: Mm-hmm. Hey, I got something here. Cell phone. No dust on it, so it hasn't been there long.
Chloe: Well, Zeke had his phone on him, so this one could be the killer's. Maybe he dropped it during the fight or just didn't have time to retrieve it.
Ella: Passcode protected, of course. But the home screen is... Two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes. It's a great start. At the station, Daniel studies Bianca Ruiz's file. Charlotte comes.
Charlotte: Hello, Daniel.
Daniel: What are you doing here?
Charlotte: Ms. Ruiz there... Is my client.
Daniel: Well, she's a real piece of work.
Charlotte: Trying to make me jealous?
Daniel: What do you want from me? You seduce me, you betray me, now you're back. You have to want something, I just can't figure out what.
Charlotte: I do want something, you're right. And I'll tell you. Just somewhere private.
Daniel: I'm not having s*x with you here.
Charlotte: But I need something to pass the time until we get a lead.
Daniel: I don't understand you. All right, whatever this is between us.
Charlotte: Well, it's simple, Daniel Espinoza... I like you. Music comes from the lab.
Ella: You guys, it's a record label. The symbol on the phone we found is the label's logo.
Lucifer: And they choose to publish this music of their own free will?
Ella: It's a vanity label. It exists only to make this one guy's music.
Chloe: Okay, well, who owns it? And can you please turn it off?
Ella: Chet Ruiz.
Charlotte: Bianca's youngest son. Half our billing goes to keeping him out of jail.
Chloe: So Bianca's own son robbed and killed one of her most loyal soldiers?
Daniel: The files barely mention Chet. I didn't know he was actually part of the family business.
Charlotte: He's not. Bianca tries to keep him as far away from it all as possible.
Chloe: Maybe he started to resent that, decided to make a play?
Lucifer: And then dropped his phone, proving just how right his mother was about him.
Chloe: Well, if Chet is the killer, this could be our chance to take down Bianca, as well. Cut off the head of her entire operation. This could be huge.
Ella: Yeah. Bummer is the phone proves that Chet was in the room but doesn't definitively tie him to the murder.
Chloe: Dan, why don't you work on hacking the passcode. I'll have a chat with Chet. And, Charlotte, thank you so much for your help. But now that one of your clients is our main suspect, it's best you go.
Charlotte: I don't think I have to go quite yet.
Chloe: Maybe not, but I think you should.
Charlotte: Bianca's having a party today. It's the launch of her new tequila. I'm sure Chet will be there, and... I'm invited.
Chloe: Why do you want to help us now?
Charlotte: Because we all want the same thing: to find out who robbed and killed Zeke.
Daniel: You know, Chloe, it would be a good chance for us to go undercover. Gather some intel before they even know we're onto them.
Chloe: All right.
Lucifer: Fine. Good. It's settled. The Detective and I will go, so thank you so much for your help.
Charlotte: I don't think so. The invitation is under my name. I will go. Perhaps Detective Espinoza should join me.
Lucifer: No. Yes, that's not happening. Uh, very well. I'll go with you...
Chloe: No, I'll go with Charlotte.
Lucifer: But, Detective...
Chloe: No more argument.
Charlotte: Very well. But I suggest you go shopping. This isn't the kind of place you can attend in pajamas.
Lucifer: This is ridiculous.
Chloe: Pajamas?
Ella: What if Ella goes to the party? That sounds like a great idea. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for thinking of me. But you know what? I'm so busy. Lucifer enters in Linda's practice. Maze is waiting for him.
Lucifer: I have been sidelined by my own mother and the Detective. It's absurd. I won't stand for it. I am gonna find a way into that party.
Maze: Do you always whine like this? I don't know how she puts up with it.
Lucifer: Where's Dr. Linda?
Maze: Suspended. Because of you. Because you have been a terrible, selfish friend... To her. Now you're gonna fix it.
Lucifer: Well, gladly, once I figure a way back onto the case.
Maze: No, Lucifer. Now!
Lucifer: But I suppose they can handle things without me for the time being. What's the plan? Daniel is on the phone at the station.
Daniel: It'll take two hours to scan the phone... I'll come to you. I'll kill some time till it's done. See you soon. Daniel sees Amenadiel.
Daniel: Hey, man. You looking for your brother?
Amenadiel: Or my m... Um... Charlotte? Listen, um... Are they here? Because I haven't been able to reach them.
Daniel: No, they took off. Couple hours ago.
Amenadiel: Of course they did. And why would they bother to let me know?
Daniel: I could try to call them for you.
Amenadiel: Don't worry about it, Dan. I mean, with a brother like Lucifer, I really should be used to this, right?
Daniel: Hey. What are you doing right now? Charlotte arrives at the party.
Charlotte: Charlotte Richards. Have you seen my plus one? She's a tired-looking blonde. Probably dressed in something freshly-plucked from the floor. Mm-mm. Hmm? Chloe enters.
Chloe: Let's get this pajama party started. Chloe and Charlotte are talking.
Chloe: I still don't understand why you're helping us. Bianca's your client.
Charlotte: I'm not the same woman I was when she hired me.
Chloe: Hmm. Did you have a change of heart?
Charlotte: No, the same heart. Completely different soul, though.
Chloe: Hmm. There's Chet. I'll go talk to him.
Charlotte: You know, that's wise. You seem more his type than me, and you're not particularly intimidating, so that should help.
Chloe: Help what?
Charlotte: Well, in seducing him, of course.
Chloe: I'm not gonna seduce him, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Not with that posture you're not. Fine. I'll do it.
Chloe: No. No. There's gonna be no seducing. We just need to get Chet to talk, have him incriminate himself, then we can arrest him and flip him on Bianca.
Charlotte: You expect him to betray his own mother? One that's given him everything he's ever wanted?
Chloe: Not all kids appreciate what their parents have given them.
Charlotte: Well, that I agree with.
Chloe: I just think with a little pressure, he'll crack. Oh, bodyguard. Maybe he's not as easy to get to as I thought.
Charlotte: Why would an overprotective mother bring her murderous son to a tequila-fuelled party?
Chloe: Well, if her son killed Zeke, she has no idea... Okay. I've got an idea. Maze and Lucifer are talking to the chairman of the ethics review board.
Maze: Dr. Linda Martin is an amazing therapist and an incredible woman. You can't do this to her.
Nigel: Well, I'm afraid that she brought this on herself. So, unless there's something... Specific that you can tell me, there's very little that I can do.
Maze: Hmm. Well, how about proof of all the good she's done? Like this guy. Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Oh, that's quite flattering.
Maze: The worst patient anyone could ask for. He is a back-stabbing, selfish, narcissistic little devil. He's greedy...
Nigel: Is there a-a point to this?
Lucifer: Yes, I'm wondering the same thing.
Maze: The point is, despite all of that, she went out of her way to help him.
Lucifer: Yeah, she's right. The doctor has seen a side to me that I hide because it's, well, terrifying. But she accepted me nonetheless, and she's helped me through issues that I thought insurmountable.
Nigel: I appreciate the testimonial, and I will include it into the notes.
Maze: That's it?
Nigel: Unless you have more evidence to submit.
Lucifer: Well, she's generous. As a, as a therapist, as a lover, a friend...
Nigel: Wait. You slept with your therapist.
Lucifer: What? O-only in the beginning. Then she decided that I shouldn't pay for therapy with s*x. So, such strong morals, don't you think?
Maze: Let's go!
Lucifer: What the...? Oh, no, no, she saved my life. I mean, granted, she killed me first, but I did ask her.
Maze: Oh, my God. Lucifer. At the party, Charlotte goes to speak with Bianca.
Bianca Ruiz: We actually have been trying to get the formula for... Charlotte. Excuse me. Oh. So glad you can make it. How are the children?
Charlotte: They're angels. But speaking of children... What did Chet do now?
Bianca Ruiz: Run out on another tab?
Charlotte: The police suspect him of killing Zeke Moore.
Bianca Ruiz: That's impossible.
Charlotte: I have it from a very good source.
Bianca Ruiz: I'll get to the bottom of it. Thank you, Charlotte.
Charlotte: As always. Of course.
Bianca Ruiz: Enjoy. Bianca is going to speak with her son.
Bianca Ruiz: What did you do?
Chet Ruiz: What could I do? You won't let me drink, my bank account's pretty low lately...
Bianca Ruiz: Zeke Moore. What did you do?
Chet Ruiz: I took care of a problem. You're welcome.
Bianca Ruiz: You don't work for me.
Chet Ruiz: But I should. Look what I can do.
Bianca Ruiz: Yeah, remove one of my best earners?
Chet Ruiz: You see, this is why you need me, Ma. I found out that Zeke was building up his own business. Smuggling up rare artifacts on the side.
Bianca Ruiz: And I was making 30%.
Chet Ruiz: Oh. Well, I would have known that if you had just given me...
Bianca Ruiz: How do the police know it was you?
Chet Ruiz: I may have... Dropped my phone.
Bianca Ruiz: Chet, what was on your phone? Let's go somewhere quieter.
Chet Ruiz: No, Mom. Mom, Mom. They go apart.
Bianca Ruiz: The whole business?
Chet Ruiz: I was just trying to learn how the financial part worked, Ma. You know, prove to you I could be a part of this.
Bianca Ruiz: So you saved it on your phone, which the police now have.
Chet Ruiz: Don't worry. I'm already taking care of it. Won't be a problem... What? Bianca Ruiz stops Chloe who was trying to leave.
Bianca Ruiz: Hello. Daniel and Amenadiel are having a drink in a bar.
Amenadiel: Improv? Really?
Daniel: Come on, man, you promised me you wouldn't laugh. I went through a lot this last year. And improv sort of helped me reorient myself.
Amenadiel: How?
Daniel: Well, it took stepping outside of myself to figure out who I really was. You know, stop defining myself by other people... Chloe. Lucifer.
Amenadiel: I see. So you think I'm defining myself by my brother, yeah?
Daniel: Well, I know from experience, the dude casts a pretty big-ass shadow.
Amenadiel: Well, if there is one constant in the universe, it's that Lucifer's the favourite. No matter what I do. No matter how hard I work or how much he screws up...It's never gonna change.
Daniel: You guys must have competed over everything, huh?
Amenadiel: I mean, he would never admit it, right? But yeah. Yeah, everything.
Daniel: Even women? Eh, I just noticed that you and Lucifer have a weird relationship with Charlotte Richards. I just thought maybe you guys...
Amenadiel: No, Dan, we are not competing over Charlotte. Trust me. At least, not in the way you think. And if we are, well, obviously I lost. Because I'm here, with you. No offense.
Daniel: Yeah, none taken. Oh, man. They couldn't crack the passcode. But, uh, for what it's worth, I like you a hell of a lot more than I like your brother. At the party, Bianca asks some questions to Chloe.
Bianca Ruiz: I know everyone here except you. What are you doing here?
Chloe: I, uh... I'm... Uh, was... I came because, well... I love your son's music. Hi, Chet. Chet, you're so good. You're amazing.
Bianca Ruiz: Oh, please. I've seen the sales. Nobody actually listens to that... Stuff.
Chloe: Oh, I listen to it, big-time. Chloe starts to sing.
Bianca Ruiz: I've heard enough.
Chloe: Yeah.
Guard: That's enough, ma'am.
Chloe: Chet, you're so good. You're dope!
Guard: Let's go.
Chloe: I love you. I...
Chet Ruiz: I love you more. Chloe phones Daniel.
Chloe: Dan. Hey. Look, that phone... I think it is way more important than we thought. It might be the key to taking down Bianca. Maze and Lucifer are walking in the street.
Lucifer: Great. Now that we've solved that, I can get back to the case and... Maze hits Lucifer in the belly.
Lucifer: Ooh! God! What?!
Maze: What? You just made everything worse. Why am I surprised? Just leave. Since that's been your plan all along anyway.
Lucifer: Is that what all this has been about? Amenadiel told you about our trip back to Heaven, didn't he?
Maze: Don't you blame him. You... She hits him again.
Lucifer: Aah!
Maze: Should have told me.
Lucifer: Well, if you understood the full picture... She punches him in the face.
Lucifer: Oh! Stop hitting me.
Maze: Then explain.
Lucifer: Well, I'd like to, but you have a tendency to get emotional about things. She punches him in the face again.
Lucifer: Aah! Case in point.
Maze: So I needed to be controlled, is that it? What the hell am I, Lucifer... A pawn in some plan of yours?
Lucifer: No, I wouldn't put it like that.
Maze: Of course you wouldn't, because that would actually require you understanding how you affect people. How you hurt them. She hits him in the nuts.
Lucifer: Oh! Aah! You seem to be the one doing the hurting at the moment.
Maze: You don't care about anyone other than yourself. Unless they can be of use to you. Sound familiar?
Lucifer: Tread very carefully, Maze.
Maze: You're just like your parents. They fight.
Lucifer: Aah!
Maze: Aah!
Lucifer: Oh! Maybe... Maybe we should just take a time-out so that... You can catch your breath.
Maze: Yeah, so you can catch your breath. And then, I'll get back to kicking your ass.
Lucifer: See, now... I had no idea that you were this mad at me.
Maze: You were gonna leave me.
Lucifer: I would never do that.
Maze: But you told Amenadiel and your mom that y... You were going with them to Heaven.
Lucifer: Well, I didn't say how long for. Huh? Or what I was gonna do when I got there.
Maze: You're playing your own angle... And you didn't tell me... Because you needed me to be angry with you so you could sell your story.
Lucifer: Exactly! So, all this... Was for nothing.
Maze: Lucifer, that's even worse. At the station, Ella, Chloe and Daniel are talking about the phone.
Ella: This phone could be the key to taking down the entire Ruiz empire.
Daniel: Yeah, but how do we crack it if cyber couldn't even do it?
Ella: Time. That idiot didn't install a program that can remotely wipe the phone. And it's an older phone with just a four-digit code.
Daniel: So, what, we just keep trying till we get in? How long will that take?
Ella: There are only 10,000 options. Well, actually, 9,996 now... I took a couple stabs. So, hey, making progress. I would say maybe a month.
Daniel: Well, we can't arrest 'em till we know what's on that phone. And if they decide to make a run for it...
Chloe: All right. Let's just try to speed it up. Let's look into Chet's background, let's try and come up with number combinations that might be meaningful to him, all right? Let's go. Maze and Lucifer are at Linda's practice.
Linda: Did you guys... Kill the chairman of the review board? Please tell me you didn't kill him. Not that he didn't deserve it, the smug, insufferable...
Lucifer: No, no. No one's dead. We did this to each other. Though... When it comes to your case, I fear I may have, um... Complicated things.
Maze: Lucifer told him you used to screw. Among other things.
Linda: Oh? Oh. Well, I guess that's that.
Lucifer: No, that isn't that. I want to know why she's still upset with me.
Linda: Since I'm not currently a practicing doctor of psychiatry, I don't have to lead you on this path of realization; I can just tell you. Maze is pissed at you because you used her.
Lucifer: Sure. But for the greater good of our debauchery here in L.A.
Linda: Did you even once think of how this affected her?
Lucifer: Of course I did. Thought about how she might ruin everything by disembowelling my mum or castrating my brother.
Linda: I meant her feelings.
Lucifer: What?
Linda: She thought... You abandoned her. That you didn't care how that affected her.
Lucifer: But those sort of things never bothered her be... Maze is crying.
Lucifer: Before. Oh... Mazikeen. I didn't realize... I should have realized.
Linda: Well, my work here is done... Literally. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a very stiff martini.
Maze: Linda... I'll take care of this. I promise.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Bianca enters in Charlotte's office.
Charlotte: Bianca. Has something happened?
Bianca Ruiz: Yes. My son robbed and killed Zeke, as you know. But then he showed me what Zeke was smuggling. And for whom. Now I have it. And I think it's very important to you, isn't it?
Charlotte: It is.
Bianca Ruiz: Then let's make a deal. I'll give it to you if you get my son's phone from the police.
Charlotte: That's not possible.
Bianca Ruiz: You'll find a way. Otherwise, I'll make sure that what you want... Disappears forever. Ella is trying to find the passcode of Chet's phone. Charlotte enters.
Ella: Birthday reverse. Nope. Double 69. Oddly relieved that's not it.
Charlotte: Ms. Lopez. We haven't really had the chance to meet.
Ella: I know. I've been looking forward to a formal "hey-ya."
Charlotte: S... Uh... Uh, no, I see you're still working on the phone. I knew Chet well. Perhaps I could borrow it, maybe try some combinations?
Ella: I see through you... I know you are waiting around for my boy Dan.
Charlotte: Oh. Caught me red-handed.
Ella: And even though most everybody is all like, "She a shark, those dead eyes, don't trust her," when I look at you... I see a light.
Charlotte: Did my bandage come undone?
Ella: So, for now, benefit of the doubt. But if you ever hurt Dan again, I'll have someone break your legs. Ella's phone rings.
Ella: Oh, that's my brother. I've been trying to get ahold of him forever. Can you watch the phone?
Charlotte: Sure.
Ella: Thanks. See? Light. Charlotte takes the phone and she's about to leave the lab, but Chloe is here.
Chloe: Start talking. Lucifer is playing the piano, Chloe enters.
Lucifer: Ah!
Chloe: What happened to you?
Lucifer: Oh, this. It's just a little fisticuffs between friends.
Chloe: I just had a very enlightening conversation with Charlotte Richards.
Lucifer: Ah. Well, I've had my fill of enlightening conversations for today, thank you.
Chloe: Lucifer, she told me who she really is, and how you two are related.
Lucifer: I somehow doubt that.
Chloe: No, it all makes sense. Why you were so disgusted when I suggested you two had slept together. Why you act so weird around her in general.
Lucifer: She... Really told you. What did she tell you?
Chloe: That she's your father's ex.
Lucifer: Right, yes, no. That's-that's true.
Chloe: Right, yeah. I mean, the way she talked about your dad and-and what he put her through.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Betrayal, torture, Hell, et cetera. All true.
Chloe: Mm-hmm. I just cannot imagine raising kids with someone like that.
Lucifer: Sympathy for the Goddess, Detective?
Chloe: Why didn't you just tell me she was your step-mom?
Lucifer: Well, it didn't seem that simple to explain. I mean, how did this all come about, anyway?
Chloe: Well... I... I caught Charlotte trying to steal evidence for Bianca Ruiz.
Lucifer: What? Why would she do that?
Chloe: Well, apparently Bianca figured out that Charlotte and I were working together at the sting. Bianca threatened Charlotte's family. I mean, she threatened you if she didn't help.
Lucifer: Well, that sounds plausible, yes.
Chloe: I don't know. Something about it doesn't feel right. I don't know if I can trust her.
Lucifer: Well, I mean, I know I'm biased, but one thing's for certain, Detective: Charlotte Richards will stop at nothing to protect her children... You can trust that.
Chloe: Hmm. Charlotte is in Bianca's office.
Bianca Ruiz: Did you bring me what I asked for?
Charlotte: Mm. As promised.
Bianca Ruiz: Make sure it's real. That it wasn't cloned. A guy takes the phone.
Bianca Ruiz: To the things a mother will do for her children.
Charlotte: I'll drink to that. Chloe and Lucifer are listening to the conversation.
Bianca Ruiz: I can't even count the times that Chet has come close to destroying everything I've built.
Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.
Lucifer: She's talking about Amenadiel.
Charlotte: Put us through... Hell.
Lucifer: That one's me.
Bianca Ruiz: And yet we still protect them.
Charlotte: Always.
Bianca Ruiz: Now for your side of the bargain. Charlotte pours her drink on the bug.
Chloe: We lost the feed. She's up to something.
Lucifer: Well, no, no, no. She may have just shorted the bug.
Chloe: No. Charlotte Richards is either screwing us over or she's in trouble. Guys, get ready to go in. And she better be in trouble. In the office, Bianca gives Charlotte a key.
Bianca Ruiz: This opens a safety deposit box. Inside you'll find what Zeke was smuggling for you.
Charlotte: This isn't what we agreed to. How do I know you'll hold up your end of the deal?
Bianca Ruiz: Because I always do. And quite honestly, I don't see why you put so much value in... The cops enter in the office.
Cops: Freeze! See your hands!
Chloe: LAPD. Bianca Ruiz, you're under arrest.
Bianca Ruiz: This is absurd. Charlotte. Charlotte.
Charlotte: Will no longer be representing you.
Bianca Ruiz: You're making a terrible mistake... Don't touch me.
Lucifer: Charlotte, are you okay?
Charlotte: Yes.
Chloe: Lucifer, don't. Step away. I need to search her.
Lucifer: Well, I don't think that's necessary, Detective.
Chloe: Well, I do.
Charlotte: It's okay, son.
Lucifer: Fine.
Chloe: Arms out.
Charlotte: Hmm. Oh, you're being incredibly thorough... I like it.
Chloe: She's clean.
Lucifer: Well, I told you, Detective, she's got nothing to hide.
Officer: The phone was still unlocked. We have everything.
Chloe: Seems like we do. Let's, uh... Lucifer had the key. Charlotte, Amenadiel and Lucifer are at the penthouse.
Charlotte: A book? That's what Zeke smuggled for me? Is this a joke?
Lucifer: Well, if it were, I would have chosen something funnier, like Douglas Adams or Freud.
Charlotte: Are you certain... That this is all that was in the safety deposit box? Well, how is a book supposed to ignite the sword?
Amenadiel: Maybe it's an instruction manual.
Charlotte: In an ancient language I can't read. Wonderful. Here.
Lucifer: Wh... I can't read it.
Charlotte: But you speak every language.
Lucifer: Speak, not read. I've always found tongues much more useful than books. So whatever language this is...
Amenadiel: It's Sumerian. Unlike some of us who had everything handed to him, I actually spent my youth studying.
Charlotte: Excellent. My smart boy. How-how quickly can you translate it?
Amenadiel: Um, should only take me a few days.
Charlotte: Days? I don't have that kind of time.
Lucifer: Mum, why have you got your knickers in such a twist?
Amenadiel: Is there a reason why you're in such a rush lately?
Charlotte: I-I'm just anxious to see the rest of the family. Please start translating. Charlotte leaves.
Amenadiel: There's something going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium... What? Maze arrives to the chairman of the ethics review board's office.
Nigel: Excuse me.
Maze: Not this time. She pushes him in the office. Daniel goes to speak with Chloe.
Daniel: Hey.
Chloe: Hey.
Daniel: Congrats on nabbing Queen Tequila.
Chloe: Well, Chet's still out there, so this isn't over until I find him.
Daniel: You and Charlotte Richards... That is the most awkward team-up of the century.
Chloe: Actually, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I learned a lot of eye-opening things about her. That's for sure. Like her being Lucifer's step-mom. Had no idea...
Daniel: Wait a minute. She... Step-mom?
Chloe: Yeah. Yes.
Daniel: That makes a weird amount of sense, actually.
Chloe: Dan, I want you to be careful with her. There's something about her I don't trust.
Daniel: I'm gonna be fine, Chloe.
Chloe: Wait. One more thing.
Daniel: Yeah.
Chloe: If you married her, you'd kind of be like Lucifer's dad.
Daniel: Oh, my God.
Chloe: Right? It's so, so messed up. Charlotte is waiting for Chet Ruiz in her office.
Chet Ruiz: I'm glad you agreed to meet me.
Charlotte: Well, of course I did. I knew that book couldn't be it... Well, come on. Hand it over. I need what Zeke really smuggled... Now. Chet draws a knife.
Charlotte: Mm. A knife. We already have... He stabs Charlotte.
Chet Ruiz: My life is ruined! I don't want to go to prison. This is all your fault! Charlotte takes off the knife and her light burns Chet. He's dead. At the penthouse, Amenadiel translates the book.
Lucifer: Who knew translating could be so exhausting.
Amenadiel: Listen, I think I found something.
Lucifer: Huh?
Amenadiel: God shattered the Flaming Sword into three distinct pieces. "The Blade of Death."
Lucifer: Azrael's.
Amenadiel: "The Medallion of Life."
Lucifer: Johnson's belt buckle.
Amenadiel: And the key that binds them all together.
Lucifer: Well, keys don't bind, they unlock. I think someone needs to go back to translation school.
Amenadiel: And guess who has the key.
Lucifer: Well, don't leave me in suspense. Who is it, brother?
Amenadiel: It says that God entrusted the key to his favourite son... Of course he gave it to you... It's always you, isn't it?
Lucifer: Well, what are you talking about? The only keys I've got are these.
Amenadiel: What else did you bring with you to Earth, Luci? Your ring. I've never seen you without it; maybe that's the key.
Lucifer: Well, the key to completing my ensemble maybe.
Amenadiel: Here. Try and attach your ring to this.
Lucifer: Brother.
Amenadiel: Just do it. And we'll confirm what we already know.
Lucifer: Brother...
Amenadiel: That Father's favourite, despite everything that you have done, is and always has been you.
Lucifer: Look down. Is that the key around your neck or are you just happy to see me? He entrusted it... To you, brother.


Scene: The apartment.
Amy: This is nice, that we all get to eat together.
Leonard: Absolutely.
Amy: Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys, you're never gonna believe this.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: I just got a part on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations.
Leonard: What? That's great. Guys.
Howard: Oh, yeah
Sheldon: Yay, Penny.
Amy: What's the show?
Penny: Um, NC... II... or, you know, NCSTD... I don't know, it's, it's, you know, it's the one with the letters and I'm gonna be on it!
Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What's your part?
Penny: Um, I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooh, Mark Harmon, he's a dreamboat.
Leonard: So it, it's just flirting?
Penny: Well, yeah. Why?
Leonard: Uh, no reason. I just think it's sexier when things are left to the imagination.
Amy: He's wrong. Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: So I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.
Leonard: Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
Raj: I don't see why not.
Howard: If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
Sheldon: Why is that funny? That's just unhygienic.
Leonard: It's a joke.
Sheldon: I don't think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz's mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don't usually change. Well, they don't.
Penny: Hey, guys, don't forget, my episode's on TV tomorrow night.
Howard: We'll be there.
Raj: Can we bring anything?
Penny: Oh, that's so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.
Sheldon: Wait, if Howard's mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she's obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
Leonard: No. Do you?
Sheldon: I think I'm hysterical.
Leonard: I take it back. That was funny.
Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it's funny when a human being behaves like an object.
Leonard: I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.
Sheldon: Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.
Leonard: You know, I think we're zeroing in on your problem.
Sheldon: Perhaps I'll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they're German, 'cause that's a tough crowd.
Leonard: Are you set on people laughing with you? 'Cause if you're cool with at you...
Sheldon: I don't get it.
Scene: Bernadette's car.
Bernadette: Raj, when you said you were gonna bring a date to watch Penny's thing tonight, I didn't think you meant Stuart.
Howard: Really? I never for a second thought it'd be anything else.
Raj: I almost met someone last night, but I blew it. I was walking Cinnamon and this girl introduced herself, but she was so cute I panicked and said, wouldn't it be easier if instead of talking we could just sniff each other's butts?
Bernadette: Well, Stuart's cute in his own way.
Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.
Howard: If you're so intimidated by talking to attractive girls, maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.
Raj: You mean like fatties and uggos?
Bernadette: Or maybe just stop talking.
Howard: I'm serious. Go to the mall, talk to anybody, practice, that way when you eventually do talk to a cute girl, it won't be so scary.
Bernadette: Or just keep dating the possum.
Scene: The apartment.
Voice on television: Parsa doesn't have those kind of resources.
Second voice: No, and that's why he had Erin Pace rewire it...
Leonard: I'm so proud of you.
Penny: We haven't even gotten to my scene yet.
Leonard: I know, but you're going to be a TV star and you haven't left me yet. That takes guts.
Sheldon: I don't know about you, but I'm very uncomfortable with all this.
Amy: Why?
Sheldon: I've never seen this show before and now I'm starting with episode 246? It's unnatural.
Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Okay, shh, guys, guys, this is it.
Man on TV: I guess it's you and me, kid.
Mark Harmon on TV: What are you doing?
Woman on TV: I'm trying to make peace.
Mark Harmon on TV: We're good.
Woman on TV: Good.
Mark Harmon on TV: Really? Because...
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No, there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's gone.
Bernadette: What happened?
Penny: They must've cut it.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I'm, I'm sorry.
Howard: That stinks.
Raj: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I... Excuse me.
Sheldon: I've been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let's tickle some ribs.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Dad, I don't think they cut me out of the show because I was too pretty. No, I don't need you to come out and kick Mark Harmon's ass. Daddy, I gotta go. I love you. Bye.
Leonard: How you doing?
Penny: Ugh, this is such a disaster. My parents had all my relatives over. They got one of those six-foot sandwiches, and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and now he's missing and the sandwich is missing, and they're probably in Mexico by now. So humiliating.
Leonard: You still got the part. That's a huge accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, but this was supposed to be my break, okay? People were gonna see me in this show and it was gonna lead to bigger things. More auditions, more parts. Now none of that's gonna happen.
Leonard: Honey, you only had, like, three lines. That wasn't gonna happen anyway.
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: Oh, come on, no, that's not what I meant.
Penny: Then what did you mean?
Leonard: I don't, look, you know, words don't always have to mean things.
Penny: I think you meant that you don't believe in me.
Leonard: Nope. Uh, uh, I might not know what I meant, but I know that I didn't mean that. Not this guy. Oh, no way.
Penny: I want you, right now, to give me your 100% honest opinion.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: So you think I'll be on TV and in movies and win awards.
Leonard: Honestly?
Penny: Yes, honestly.
Leonard: I don't.
Penny: How could you say that?
Leonard: I don't know, I got all confused when you said honestly.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Look, do I think that you are talented and that you are beautiful? Of course I do. But isn't Los Angeles full of actresses who are just as talented, just as beautiful? All right, look, we'll come back to that.
Penny: No, please. Don't stop, go on. Tell me how I'm gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Leonard: That is not what I said. Look, I think you're really good. I truly do. But this is an incredibly hard thing that you're shooting for. I mean, the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor are like a million to one.
Penny: Wow, thank you.
Leonard: Should've let Sheldon come.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise.
Amy: Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their...
Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!
Amy: Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn't funny.
Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
Amy: Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological... (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that's pretty good.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about her?
Raj: No. No pretty girls. The point is to talk to regular people and work our way up to pretty girls.
Stuart: Fine. How about that old lady with the walker?
Raj: That depends. On any level, do you think she's hot?
Stuart: We'll find somebody else.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Kumquat?
Amy: I guess.
Sheldon: Ointment?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?
Amy: I don't think I want to go out with you anymore.
Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I'm trying to figure this out.
Amy: Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?
Sheldon: All of them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: You didn't get your part cut.
Voice on TV: All right, baby, here's the deal.
Penny: And you didn't get your part cut. Yep, bunch of old guys rocking out in a band, all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut!
Leonard: Hey. Can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
Leonard: That was really crappy of me. What you're trying to do is hard, but people do make it, and I really do believe you could be one of them.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And to show you how much I believe in you, I kind of got you an audition.
Penny: Are you serious? For what?
Leonard: The new Star Wars movie.
Penny: What? How did you manage that?
Leonard: There's this thing online, you put yourself on tape and just send it in, anyone can do it.
Penny: Come on Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
Leonard: So? Even if it is, you have a huge advantage because you're an actual actress. Most of the people doing this are just weirdoes and nerds. Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
Penny: Really, let it go.
Leonard: Look, maybe it is a long shot, but sometimes long shots happen. Luke Skywalker was only given one chance to destroy the Death Star. He had to get a torpedo into an exhaust port that was only two meters wide, but with the help of The Force, he... wow, I can feel you hating me right now.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about that lady in the sweat suit, speed-walking?
Raj: Yeah, she seems friendly and easy to... never mind, she's gone. You know, maybe talking to people is too hard.
Stuart: We could go over to that department store, practice on the mannequins.
Raj: I don't know. They're dressed very stylishly. They're probably stuck-up. This is ridiculous. The next person that walks by, no matter who it is, they're the one. We're gonna die here.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Amy: Hello.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Where's Sheldon?
Amy: He's home trying to use science to determine the basis of humour.
Bernadette: That's interesting.
Amy: It's exhausting. Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy?
Bernadette: If you want him to stop, sometimes the easiest thing to do is just fake a laugh.
Howard: Fake a laugh? Do you ever do that with me?
Bernadette: No, of course not.
Howard: Well, I'd be able to tell anyway.
Bernadette: I don't think you would.
Howard: Please, I've made plenty of girls laugh, sometimes just by asking them out. (Bernadette laughs uncontrollably) Yeah? Well, I fake my orgasms.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Yes, how much for a hundred long-stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Yeah, I'll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um, I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Come on. It's okay.
Penny: No, it's not okay. Look at me, okay? I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I'm still doing it. I can't quit, because guess what? I can't do anything else. And I finally get my big break, and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
Leonard: No, you're not.
Penny: Really? 'Cause this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.
Leonard: Okay, listen to me, this is just a minor setback.
Penny: No, it's not, okay? I've been out here for, like, ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard: Well, you have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mm. Let's get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Ooh. Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
Leonard: Um...
Penny: Did you seriously just say um?
Leonard: Look, you know I love you but, but you're, you're drunk and sad and feeling lost.
Penny: Okay, so, so you don't want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table.
Sheldon: Who's in the mood to laugh?
Leonard: Really not a good time.
Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I'm gonna go.
Leonard: Penny, don't.
Penny: No, no, I just need to be alone.
Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?
Leonard: To my room.
Sheldon: Should I follow you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. I bet we could talk to them.
Raj: That's a mirror.
Stuart: Oh, yeah.
Security Guard: Hey, fellas, mall's closing.
Raj: Sorry.
Security Guard: Yeah. Good night.
Raj: Uh, excuse me.
Security Guard: Yeah?
Raj: Uh, do, do you like being a mall security guard?
Security Guard: It's all right.
Raj: Okay, nice talking to you.
Stuart: Smooth.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Can't sleep?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn't say yes.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: That's a good question.
Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Why don't you ask her?
Leonard: Because I'm afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry.
Leonard: That's it? You're not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
Sheldon: No. You're my friend, and, I'm sorry.
Leonard: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?
Sheldon: No. That wouldn't be funny at all.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette's bedroom.
Howard: Star Wars audition, take one, starring Howard Joel Wolowitz, real-life astronaut. Vader is here, now, on this moon. I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near...
Bernadette: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard: I'm in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I.


Angel: "Previously on Angel"
Wesley: "Angel's son is part of the prophecy. Everyone and everything will be coming for him." Fred is holding Connor.
Wes: "Adorable."
Gunn: "So sweet."
Wes: "I meant the baby."
Gunn: "I meant the hot mama."
Wesley: "She is a rather extraordinary young woman." Gunn and Fred kiss. Wes' face reflected in the polished metal as he sees them.
Lorne: "We got a little term back in Pylea - kyrumption..."
Angel: "I know it."
Pylean Priest: "Everyone is very anxious for her majesty to com-shuck with the Groosalug."
Gunn: "Sounds dirty if you ask me." Cordy runs across the dungeon to hug Groo.
Cordy: "That's not terrible, that's wonderful!"
Groo: "Your visions shall pass to me."
Cordy: "I can't give up my visions!" Cordy lounges in Angel's doorway, dressed up for the ballet.
Lorne: "Cordelia?"
Angel: "What about her?"
Lorne: "You got to let her know what's brewing inside, because you don't wanna miss that shot!" Possessed by the mystical energy in the ballerina's dressing room, Angel and Cordy go at it.
Angel: "You've become a truly extraordinary woman. I think that we..."
Cordy: "Groo?"
Angel: "Yes! We grew - closer together and I think..." Cordy runs past him.
Cordy: "Groo!"
Groo: "Princess!" They hug.
Cordy: "Oh god, I can't believe it!"
Lorne to Angel: "He just showed up" Fred (voice-over as Angel goes to check on Connor): "I thought for sure she was meant to be with Angel. I guess you never can predict those things." Angel is leaning on Connor's crib, looking down at his son. Lorne comes up beside him.
Angel: "It's strange."
Lorne: "Hmm."
Angel: "I remember him being taller."
Lorne: "A trick of the light. They don't actually get smaller until they're very, very old."
Angel: "I didn't mean the baby."
Lorne: "I know you didn't."
Angel: "I meant the Groosalug."
Lorne: "I know you did."
Angel: "Did he seem, ah, - I don't know - short?"
Lorne: "Oh, absolutely. Clearly the guy shrank - all over, probably. (Lorne helps Angel out of his tux jacket) Why, he's nothing but a muscley midget. I'm sure once Cordelia gets him home, she'll just pop him into a smallish drawer, and that will be that."
Angel, adjusting his cuffs: "She took him home. Well - well, that's good. At least we won't have to put him up here. The place was starting to turn into a hotel."
Lorne: "So - so you don't have a problem with that then?"
Angel: "Of course not. Why would I?" Lorne sniffs Angel's tux jacket.
Lorne: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I don't remember you wearing this perfume when you left this evening?" Angel takes the jacket from him.
Angel: "Okay. There may have been some magic."
Lorne: "There. You see?"
Angel: "Actual *magic,* Lorne. Whatever happened, it was a spell. It's worn off now. There's nothing between Cordelia and me."
Lorne: "Sure there is. And it got arms like steel cables and a deeply ironic sense of timing." Angel goes to hang his jacket into a closet.
Angel: "You know, it's good that the Groosalug showed up when he did. You were right. Cordelia deserves a champion, and now she's got one."
Lorne: "Well, what about you?"
Angel: "I'm fine. I've been a solo-act most of my two hundred fourty plus years. And when I wasn't? Never turned out well. I like being alone." The camera frames Angel and Lorne from inside the closet as Angel hangs up the jacket.
Lorne: "Fine, Ms. Garbo. Have it your way. Be alone." The closet door closes, and the screen goes dark - only to show us Angel again as he opens the door again a moment later. Angel reaches in, takes out the jacket on its hanger and sniffs at it for just a moment before hanging it back up and closing the door as he turns away. The camera looks out of another closet, this time at Cordy changing out of her evening dress.
Cordy: "So, ahem, you got deposed, huh?" Groo, pacing in her living room: "Yes."
Cordy: "Huh. That sucks."
Groo: "The people turned against me."
Cordy: "Yeah, well, they'll do that."
Groo: "Endless committees were formed. Committees splintered into factions, the factions into coalitions, the coalitions turned into subcommittees, until finally the more radical element, spurred by a charismatic leader, did the dance of revolution." Cordy comes out of her bedroom, wearing a red sweater and jeans.
Cordy: "And here you are."
Groo: "Yes."
Cordy: "So - you don't miss it? You know, the power, castle, concubines, and the royal chippies."
Groo: "There was never anyone else."
Cordy: "Oh."
Groo: "I welcomed the overthrow. The tedium of government was too much to bear after a life on the battlefield." Cordy, running a finger down the side of Groo's face: "Your heart wasn't really in it."
Groo: "No. That left when you did." Groo slowly leans forward and they kiss. The camera circles around them and as we come back to see the Groosalug's face he has suddenly turned into an ugly, spiny, black monster. Cordy pulls back, staring at him. Groo's voice coming from the monster: "Princess?" Cordy takes a step back.
Groo, looking like himself again: "Is something wrong?" Intro Angel comes down the stairs into the lobby, carrying Connor. Wesley is moving about behind the reception counter.
Angel: "Hey."
Wes: "Morning."
Angel: "You, ah, you're the only one here?"
Wes: "So far. - How's young Connor today?"
Angel: "He's good. Cordelia, she's - usually in by now, isn't she?"
Wes: "It's early. I imagine she and Groosalug where up late. They have a lot of catching up to do."
Angel: "Right. Ah. 'They.'" Angel goes to put Connor down in a bassinet in Wes' office. Wes follows him.
Wes: "Actually, I was hoping you and I could talk before the others got here."
Angel: "Sure. What is it?"
Wes: "Well - it's the fact of him. I know his sudden arrival was something we all needed a moment to digest. - Still, there are questions."
Angel: "You're suspicious."
Wes: "'Cautious' might be a better word."
Angel: "You think he's evil."
Wes: "Evil?"
Angel: "Okay, maybe not evil, but - he's definitely hiding something. Does he seem shorter to you?" Wes glances down into the bassinet.
Wes: "We are both talking about Connor, aren't we?"
Angel: "What about Connor."
Wes: "He shouldn't exist."
Angel: "His birth was foretold. How many people can say that?"
Wes: "He has a role to play, that's true, but we still don't know what that role is. - Angel, we can't be afraid to ask the questions, because your enemies, *his* enemies, certainly won't be."
Angel: "You're right. We should be prepared."
Wes: "I'm glad you agree. However, with the loss of the Nyazian Prophecies, we'll probably have to look elsewhere for our answers."
Angel: "Well, we both know where those prophecies went. Maybe it's time to make another assault on Wolfram and Hart."
Wes: "That might not be necessary. Not yet, anyway. There should be other sources. Ancient works accumulate scholarship, commentary over the years."
Angel: "Huh. You think somebody else has already done the work for us."
Wes: "That's my hope. I've been looking into it. I just... I felt you should know."
Angel: "I wanna be involved, completely."
Cordy: "Involved with who?" Angel spins around to see Cordy put some stuff down on the reception counter, and walks out of Wes' office.
Angel: "You're here. And...(Sees Groo standing in front of the weapons cabinet, trying out one of the swords) ... so is he."
Groo: "Angel. Your weapons are most impressive."
Angel: "Thanks. Thank you. (Grabs a hold of Cordy's arm, never taking his eyes off Groo) Can you, uh, ask him not to handle my weapons?"
Cordy: "Oh, relax. If there's one thing Groo knows, it's how to handle a weapon. - Poor guy. Looks like that's about all he's gonna be handling."
Angel: "You mean, ah, you two didn't..."
Cordy: "I got him home last night and we started... you know. - But then - I couldn't go through with it."
Angel: "You couldn't?"
Cordy: "No. Not after seeing that disgusting, spiny thing!" Angel throws a look at Groo before following Cordy into Wes' office.
Angel: "Spiny?"
Cordy: "Right up in my face! That's what the visions are like now. No pain, less artsy, sometimes floaty, though not lately, and very often stinky."
Wes: "You had a vision?"
Cordy: "Yeah. Big as life (Shows them a sketch she drew of the monster) last night, while Groo and I were getting reacquainted. Kind of a mood killer, I got to say."
Wes: "You should have called one of us."
Cordy: "Oh, please! Like I'm gonna bother you guys in the middle of the night because I want s*x and can't have it."
Wes: "Actually, I meant the vision."
Cordy: "Oh. That. Well, it's not rising up until sometime later today."
Wes: "Oh. Why can't you have s*x?"
Cordy: "I could lose my 'visionity.'"
Wes: "If you wanna play it that way."
Cordy: "*Vision*-ity! The visions. When that one hit my last night, it hit me. In Pylea the visions were supposed to pass to Groo if we ever did the royal com-shuck. How do I know that won't happen here?"
Angel: "Good point. You really don't."
Wes: "But your recent transformation could have changed all that. It might be possible to..." Angel kicks the side of Wes' desk as he moves his foot.
Angel: "Still, you know, better safe than sorry. (To Cordy) You're doing the right thing."
Cordy: "I know. I know. I can't risk it. It's just - I'm so... (Looks out of the office to where Groo is still swinging that sword) And he's such a... Rrrr.. (Turns to smile at Wes and Angel) Don't you think?" Angel and Wes both look down.
Angel: "Yeah, sure."
Wes: "Certainly."
Cordy: "I mean, there's gotta be other things we can do to relieve the tension!"
Angel: "Jogging could be the thing."
Wes: "Perhaps some form of paranormal prophylactic..."
Angel: "Because, you know, jogging..."
Cordy, still watching Groo: "I guess we could probably 'com' without actually 'shucking.'"
Angel: "Well, I don't know. That could be a slippery slope that once you're on, that you could - slide."
Cordy: "At least I won't be upsetting the average around here. Nobody in *this* office is ever gonna get any." Gunn is sitting across from Fred in a diner, watching her eat.
Gunn: "It's funny."
Fred: "The way I chew?"
Gunn: "No. Until that kiss last night, I would have thought you and Wesley had a thing for each other."
Fred: "Wesley?"
Gunn: "Yeah."
Fred: "No, we're just good friends."
Gunn: "You want another order of those?"
Fred: "Yes, please." Fred puts a hand on Gunn's wrist as he looks around for a waitress.
Fred: "Oh. No. No, I'm not hungry."
Gunn: "You sure? I love watching you eat."
Fred: "Wow. (They both look down, fidgeting and smiling) - We should probably go. People might start to talk."
Gunn laughs: "Why would they?"
Fred: "Well, you know, us."
Gunn: "'Us' has been doing breakfast for weeks now. Everyone knows that."
Fred: "I know, but now that we've kissed, things are different. - I mean, they are, right?"
Gunn, smiling at her: "Oh yeah."
Fred: "So - so you don't think they can tell?"
Gunn looks around: "From here?"
Fred laughs: "I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous, I know. It's just - I don't have a lot of experience in this area. I spent the last five years in a cave."
Gunn: "Yeah, I know what that's like."
Fred: "How could you?"
Gunn: "Because now everything's so bright my eyes hurt." As they get lost in each other's eyes, the waitress drops the tab on the table.
Waitress: "Here you go."
Fred: "Thank you."
Gunn: "Thanks." They both reach for it without losing eye contact, and their hands touch.
Fred looks down: "How are we gonna work this?"
Gunn: "Like we always do. We split it."
Fred: "But you hardly ordered anything. I'd be getting so much more value."
Gunn, smiling: "I think I'm making out okay." They lean across the table to kiss when their beepers go off. They both fumble for them and look at the number.
Both: "Wesley."
Wes: "We've identified the demon from Cordelia's vision as a Senih'd. (Hands Gunn an open book) We believe it will rise in the mid-city area sometime before nightfall." Gunn looks at the illustration, then hands the book over to Fred, sitting beside him. Wes notices their smiles as their hands linger during the hand-off.
Wes: "The Senih'd manifests in its physical form for one purpose only - to feed." Fred hands the book to Cordy.
Cordy: "Seen it." Cordy passes the book to Groo, standing beside her.
Wes: "Immediately upon rising it will go to ground to search for a victim. We've got to make sure it doesn't find one." Angel comes to look at the book as Groo is holding it. He glances at Groo. Lifts up on his toes for a moment, then drops back down.
Wes: "Angel will take the sewer tunnels. The rest of us will go by car to Sorensen Park. We'll enter the underground from the water treatment plant there, double back. Hopefully by the time we meet up again..."
Groo: "I know this creature. It resembles the Bleaucha, which nest in the scum pits of Ur. I've slain many."
Wes: "Really?"
Groo: "Tracking it will be simple. Killing it, more difficult."
Angel: "Well, yeah."
Wes: "Alright then. Groo, you go with Angel. Lets move out." Everyone starts to leave as Angel stares at Wes, turns to look after Groo, then turns back to Wesley.
Angel: "I don't think that's such a good idea, me and him. You know, I'm more of a loner. Plus, he's so - bulky. He could really slow me down!"
Wes: "He's an experienced warrior. He should be a great asset." Angel looks over to where the others arm up in front of the weapons cabinet. Sees Cordy hand Groo a sword.
Cordy: "Here's a nice one."
Angel: "That's my favorite broadsword!"
Wes: "You'll be fine, Angel." Wes pats Angel on the shoulder and walks past him.
Cordy to Groo: "Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough? The sewers are pretty damp."
Groo: "I shall be fine."
Cordy: "Okay. (Hands Angel a weapon without taking her eyes of Groo) Here." Angel turns the ax in his hand, looking at the small head on it. Looks at Cordy, only to see her kiss Groo's cheek.
Angel, turning away: "Lets go." Angel and Groo walk off together.
Groo: "I shall present this beast's head to my princess as a token."
Angel: "Right. 'cause she'll love that." Angel and Groo are walking along some dark sewer tunnels.
Angel: "You sense anything?"
Groo: "A deep sadness." Angel stops and turns to look back at Groo.
Groo: "My princess. She is unhappy. I fear I am the cause."
Angel: "No. No, she's not unhappy you're here, Groo. She's - thrilled." They walk on.
Groo: "Then what keeps her from me? There is a distance - as if her heart is not free."
Angel: "I-I think, that maybe she's afraid to get too close. - She's, ah, scared if she does, she'll, ah, lose something."
Groo: "But I would give myself to her." We hear a low growling sound. Angel holds up a hand to stop Groo, then takes a couple steps forward and crouches down. Angel touches some liquid spots on the ground, then rubs his fingers together, looking at them.
Groo: "It is wounded. It bleeds."
Angel: "It's better than bread crumbs. Lets go." Angel and Groo enter what looks like the water treatment plant Wes was talking about. The Senih'd drops off of some pipes behind them. Angel and Groo turn and attack the demon together. The Senih'd manages to disarm both of them fairly early into the fight, but neither Angel nor Groo let that slow them down. Angel is taking a bit more of a beating than Groo, but other than that they're doing about the same against the monster. Until it lets out a scream and breaks through the wall to escape into the sunny park outside. Angel scrambles back out of the sunlight streaming in through the opening. Groo picks up his dropped sword, then holds out a hand to help Angel up.
Groo: "Come." Angel just looks at Groo, not moving. Screams sound from outside, and Groo turns to run after the Senih'd. Angel slowly gets up and watches as Groo goes to rescue the young woman the Senih'd has grabbed. The demon tries to use the woman as a shield against Groo's sword, but Groo manages to knock them apart. Cordy, Wes, Gunn, and Fred come running over a rise in the park, just in time to see Groo catch the woman in one arm, while knocking the Senih'd down and stabbing it deep into the back of its neck. The demon dissolves into an oily black puddle that seeps away into the ground. Angel watches the rescued woman cling to Groo.
Wes: "Well, done." Angel watches as Cordy throws her arms around Groo, a big smile on her face.
Wes: "I must say, excellent work." The people in the park gather around them, applauding. Wes reaches out to pat Groo on the shoulder.
Wes: "Well done." Wes turns and looks towards the hole in the side of the building. He sees Angel standing in the shadows of it, watching them. Break
Ms. Frakes voice over: "You think you know someone. You think your place is secure and that there's a future there." Angel is sitting across from Ms Frakes behind Wes' desk, watching Groo as he reenacts his fight with the demon for Cordy, Gunn and Fred.
Ms. Frakes: "And then something happens. No, strike that. Some *one* happens! (Angel watches Groo drop down beside Cordy, catching her in a hug) They insinuate themselves, pushing you out, taking your place." Angel turns his attention back to Ms Frakes.
Angel: "And what makes you think this other woman is a witch, Ms - Frakes?"
Ms. Frakes: "Why else would Jerry cheat on me? We've been engaged for eight years! She had to have put some kind of a spell on him." Wes is talking on the phone, while also watching the group out in the lobby.
Wes: "I'm looking for the original Greek if it's at all possible." Watching as Fred is laughing at Groo's antics, Wes slowly moves backward until the wall beside him hides Gunn, sitting beside Fred, from his view - leaving only Fred and Cordy in his sights.
Wes: "You do? Excellent. Ah, can I get a quote on that?" Angel leans back in his chair.
Angel: "Well, if you give me the woman's name I'll have someone check her out. See if we can find out if she's a - witch."
Ms Frakes: "HotBlonde37159 (She hands Angel some papers) I got these off the e-mails that I took from Jerry's computer."
Angel: "It's, ah, gonna... (glances us as Wes walks into the office) uh, it's gonna be pretty difficult to find her based solely on this."
Ms Frakes: "Well, just follow Jerry! I'm sure he'll lead you right to her."
Angel looks up at Wes: "Ms Frakes here wants us to stake out her fiancé. I was trying to explain to her that..."
Wes: "I think we can spare someone to keep an eye on Ms Frakes' fiancé. Gunn! (Gunn gets up from the settee) If witchcraft is involved we should probably look into it."
Gunn: "What's up?"
Wes: "Ah, Gunn, Ms Frakes here needs some surveillance work. I thought, if you were free..."
Gunn: "Yeah, not a problem."
Wes: "Good. (Takes the papers from Angel and hands them to Gunn) She'll give you the details. I'll leave it in your hands." Wes takes the printed up e-mails form Angel and hands them to Gunn.
Gunn: "Sure thing." Fred smiles at Wes as she comes into the office.
Fred: "We won't let you down." Angel and Wes are entering the rare books shop.
Angel: "I don't know. Maybe they should just do it, you know? Get it over with."
Wes: "I'm sorry?"
Angel: "Cordy and Groo. She's being all noble for the good of the team. She should just make it with the com-shuck. That's what she wants."
Wes: "Oh."
Proprietor: "May I help you?"
Wes: "Yes. I phoned earlier about Grammaticus Third Century Greek Commentaries."
Proprietor: "Of course. The G.T.C.G.C. I'll be just one moment."
Wes: "Thank you."
Angel: "I mean, why not? You know, life is short. Okay, not mine, but, you know, most people's. And if Groo does it for her, she should go for it. (Walks over to a shelf to flip through some books) Make him happy. Make her happy. (Almost inaudible) Make everybody happy."
Wes: "But still - office romance - complicates things. What if they should have a row, or break up?"
Angel: "All of us fight with each other at some point. It's not like anybody else is having a romance. I don't see it changing things much."
Wes: "Well - (leans closer to Angel and drops his voice after a glance around) she said it herself. It could risk the visions."
Angel: "Okay. So the visions pass to Groo. He gets them instead of her. So what?"
Wes: "Are you suggesting Groosalug could replace Cordelia?"
Angel, still browsing the books: "Maybe not Cordelia."
Wes: "I see. - You think he could replace you." Angel slowly puts the book he's holding back on the shelf and turns to face Wes.
Angel: "I don't know. Seems to me, here is a guy who can do everything I can - and a few things I can't."
Wes: "That's not true."
Angel: "You saw what happened this afternoon. If Groo hadn't been there..."
Wes: "Then the rest of us would have. - Angel, - you're the reason we've all come together. It's your mission which animates us. We each contribute, it's true, but you - you're unique. (Indicates the shelves) You're like one of these rare volumes. One of a kind." Angel smiles ever so slightly. The proprietor walks through in between them, carrying three old books.
Proprietor: "I've got three of them." Angel blinks, smile gone as his brows draw down for a moment. Groo is sitting in a chair in Wes' office with Cordy leaning down for a kiss.
Cordy, pulling back a little: "Are you sure?"
Groo: "I'm sure."
Cordy: "Good. Don't worry. I practiced plenty on Cousin Timmy when we were kids." They smile at each other. Cordy takes a step over towards the desk, then turns back.
Cordy: "Oh, wait. It's not like your strength is in your hair, or anything like that, right?"
Groo: "No. I - believe it is in my muscles."
Cordy laughs: "Okay. So, we lose the "Battlefield Earth" hair, and get you out of these animal skins, and it'll be a whole new you!"
Groo: "And will this 'new me' be one that you can allow yourself to love?"
Cordy: "What?"
Groo: "Will the 'new me' please you in ways that the 'old me' could not?"
Cordy: "Groo, it's a haircut. It's not gonna make me like you any better."
Groo: "Oh. - I understand." After a beat Cordy puts the scissors down, takes a deep breath and crouches down in front of Groo.
Cordy: "You didn't give up your throne and come all this way for a make-over, did you? You came for something I can't give you - me. - It's not that I don't want to. I do. I've never met anyone like you, Groo. You're so open, and sweet, and there is a definite thing here. It's just..." Groo puts a hand on hers: "You are afraid that with me, you will be less than what you were." The camera shows a tree with a lot of roots visible around the bottom of the trunk. A car pulls up at the curb across the street from it. A man gets out and walks over to stand beneath the tree. Gunn's truck pulls up.
Gunn: "Looks like this is it. Better get the camera." Fred, setting up the video camera: "Do you really think he's possessed or under some kind of spell?"
Gunn: "Well, it's hard to say. There's all different kinds of magic. You've got demony love spells, mojo s*x chants, voodoo bootie rituals..."
Fred: "Voodoo bootie rituals?" Gunn gives her serious nod, then they both start laughing.
Fred, leaning towards him: "You made that up."
Gunn: "Then there is the all-powerful, big, brown, soulful eyes kind of magic."
Fred smiles: "Kind of familiar with that one myself." They start to kiss, but Fred pulls away.
Fred: "Hmm. We should..."
Gunn: "Right. Because we're all about the work." Fred turns to watch Jerry, standing under the tree, holding a single red rose, waiting.
Fred: "Maybe it's not so much magical but chemical when two people are attracted. Maybe it's like the DNA knows what it needs and when it finds it, nothing can get in its way. It just takes it."
Gunn: "It does?" Fred nods at him with a smile. Gunn leans forward and they kiss.
Fred after a moment: "Charles..."
Gunn: "Yeah?"
Fred: "We're not supposed to be the ones having the rendezvous."
Gunn: "We're not?"
Fred: "No. He is."
Gunn: "But he's cheating on someone. You and me, we got a right." Gunn pulls her close, but Fred, while smiling doesn't give in.
Fred: "I know. But we're supposed to be working." Gunn lets out a sigh, and sits back.
Gunn: "You're right." He looks towards the tree - no Jerry in sight.
Gunn: "Damn!"
Wes: "I'll get started translating this material right away."
Angel: "Well, ah, Wesley - thanks - for what you said before. You put things into perspective for me."
Wes: "Glad I could. While I do believe having another warrior for good may be an asset in the coming days, Truth is, you and the Groosalug are two totally different - people..." Wes trails off as they enter the lobby and see Groo, his hair cut short, dressed in a set of Angel's clothes.
Groo: "Ah, hello."
Wes: "...who look exactly alike."
Angel under his breath: "He's wearing my clothes."
Wes: "Good fit." Groo smiles up at them. Angel returns the smile.
Angel: "Where's Cordelia?" Cordy gets up from Wes' chair as Angel walks into the office, a set smile on his face.
Cordy: "Oh, good. You're back."
Angel: "He's wearing my clothes."
Cordy: "What? Oh, yeah. I-I didn't think you'd mind. Turns out you guys are about the same size. I think he's a little taller. Looks great though, doesn't he? Angel, I need your help."
Angel: "What happened? - You had a vision?"
Cordy: "What? Oh, no. No, it's nothing like that. Uhm. This is - personal."
Angel: "What is it?"
Cordy: "I wouldn't ask, except, ah, there's really no one else I can trust with this. It's something only you can do?" Angel puts his hands on Cordy's arms and leads her over to a chair before sitting down on the edge of the desk in front of her.
Angel: "Tell me." Cordy lets out a deep breath: "You've done so much for me already and... Well, this is just one more thing for the list, I guess."
Angel: "There is no list. You know that. Just - just tell me what I can do."
Cordy: "I need you to help me have s*x - with Groo." Angel slowly turns his head to look out into the lobby where Groo is standing talking to Wesley. Cordy grins at Groo behind Angel's back and waves. Groo waves and smiles back. Angel lifts a hand, wiggles his fingers a little and raises his eyebrows, while trying to smile back. Break
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cordy: "I realized something today. - It's not the threat of losing the visions that's been keeping me from being close. - It's me. The Visions are just an excuse. I mean - there's always *some* excuse."
Angel: "Right."
Cordy: "I'm *tired* of being lonely."
Angel: "Yeah."
Cordy: "So I worked it out."
Angel: "You did?"
Cordy: "Yes! It was something Wesley said - a paranormal prophylactic. And that got me thinking. I couldn't be the only woman on earth that had some supernatural gift that could be lost through physical intimacy."
Angel: "Stands to reason."
Cordy: "So I started researching and anyway, I'm right. There is a potion, a protective potion. I take it and bang! I can."
Angel: "Hmm. A potion."
Cordy: "Yeah. Anyway, this woman's name is Anita, and she's kind of in the business. Makes love potions, elixirs, things like that. She says she's got just the thing at this address." Cordy hands Angel a paper with a scribbled address.
Angel: "You want me to - get this for you."
Cordy: "I went to my ATM, got cash. (Hands Angel a wad of bills) Nearly cleaned me out, but I think it's worth it."
Angel: "So you and Groo can..."
Cordy: "...com-shuck like bunnies. You betcha."
Angel: "Why don't you just send him?"
Cordy: "I *am* sending him. He kind of insists on it, but that's why I need you."
Angel: "Huh?"
Cordy: "He doesn't know this world. I can't send him into a demon brothel all by himself! I mean, I trust him, but I'm not crazy."
Angel takes a step back: "Brothel."
Cordy follows him: "*You'd* be safe there. No woman's gonna tempt you, right?"
Angel looks down: "R-right." Groo walks into the office.
Groo: "Are we ready?"
Cordy: "I think so."
Groo: "We're most grateful for your help, Angel. (Groo puts an arm around Angel's shoulder and pulls him close) You've been a true friend to us both." Cordy laughs.
Angel: "Yeah." Fred and Gunn are walking around tree where they last saw Jerry.
Fred: "There is nothing."
Gunn: "More like a whole lot of nothing. How are we gonna explain this? 'Sorry, Wes. We lost the dude because we were macking on the job.'"
Fred: "We didn't lose him so much as... Okay. We lost him. But his car's still here. So he's got to be close, right?" Gunn bends down and picks up the single red rose Jerry was holding earlier.
Fred: "I'm sure there is an explanation."
Gunn: "The camera."
Fred: "Yeah, the camera. Maybe he saw the camera."
Gunn: "No, I mean, whatever happened, we got it on tape."
Fred: "Right." Fred looks down at the camera she is carrying. Fred flips the side screen of the camera open and rewinds the tape to where Jerry was still standing under the tree.
Fred: "There he is."
Gunn: "Push play." On the screen we see some roots come up out of the ground, wrap around Jerry and pull him straight down into the ground.
Fred: "Well, that can't be good." Roots shoot up out of the ground, wrap around Gunn and Fred and they vanish into the ground as well. We get an outside shot of a lit mansion. Then see a dorky looking guy walk down a hallway on the arm of a 'lady' with an oversized smile and three boobs. Another lady comes around a corner of the hallway, followed by Angel and Groo.
Anita: "Oh, I love your outfits."
Angel: "Well, I really wouldn't call them 'outfits.'"
Anita: "But you are together." Groo puts a hand on Angel's shoulder: "Yes! Two champions here together."
Angel, pushing Groo's hand off: "Not 'together' together. Just 'get the potion' together."
Groo: "So I may com-shuck my princess."
Angel: "Just to reiterate, (Angel points at himself) *not* (is distracted by the sound of laughter) the princess..." Angel is looking through an open door into a reddish room, watching a couple having a pillow fight.
Anita: "The room is enchanted. Everything that happens in there, every touch, every emotion, every desire is extended for maximum pleasure. I can check the schedule if there is someone special you would like to bring." Anita takes a hold of Groo and leads him down the corridor, after a moment Angel turns away from the room to follow.
Anita: "Just right in here." Anita leads Groo into a big bedroom. A man wearing dress pants and shirt is manacled to one of the walls.
Man: "Oh, hello."
Groo: "Fear not, friend. We are here to save you!" Groo rushed over and tries to pry the shackles open.
Man: "Hey! Get off!" Angel comes in, takes one look, and hurries over and grabs a hold of Groo's shoulders.
Angel: "Groo! Groo, I think he's happy there."
Groo: "As a slave?"
Man: "Don't judge me." Angel pulls Groo away.
Angel: "Come on. (To man) Sorry. (To Anita) If you'll just give us the potion, we'll be..."
Anita: "You brought cash?" Angel pulls out the money Cordy gave him and hands it to Anita. Anita takes it then lifts one hand up into the air. We hear a little tinkling sound and her hand is enveloped in a deep blue light. As she brings her hand back down she is holding a small metal bottle.
Anita: "Make sure to tell your princess to drink it all at once." Groo takes the bottle and Anita looks at Angel.
Anita: "I know why your earnest friend is here, but why are you? What's in it for you?" Angel just stands there looking at Anita, ignoring the ringing of his cell phone.
Groo: "Angel, your coat is singing." Angel pulls out the phone and flips it open.
Angel: "Hello. - What? Gunn? (He turns away from the others plugging his other ear) I can barely hear you." We see Gunn and Fred wrapped in a net of roots in what looks like a cave.
Gunn: "Yeah, reception's not so great, is it?"
Angel: "Where are you?"
Gunn: "Under Plummer park."
Angel: "Under it?"
Gunn: "Pretty much. We were tailing that woman's fiancé..."
Fred: "Jerry."
Gunn: "...and we kind of lost him."
Fred: "But then we found him - sort of."
Gunn: "Him *and* his date. Some root-crazy, tree-like demony thing."
Fred: "With what looks like a DSL connection. (We see some computer screens and keyboards wrapped around by more roots.) We're pretty sure he chats up lonely hearts online, and then sucks them down here for food. Or maybe it gets its power that way."
Gunn: "Monster's got a big, old, leathery joint jammed up into guy. I think it's sucking the life out of him." We get a shot of a gnarly face in the main trunk and hear it growl.
Angel: "What... have you called Wesley yet?"
Gunn: "We were kind of hoping we wouldn't have to."
Angel: "I don't understand."
Fred: "We just didn't want to bother him with this."
Angel: "Bother him?"
Gunn: "Look. Nothing against Wes, but I'm not sure he can help us out at the moment. What we really need..." Angel listens to his phone.
Angel: "Oh. Ah-huh. (Angel turns and holds the phone out to Groo) Uhm. It's for you." Groo is leading the way through the sewers.
Groo: "I am honored they requested the Groosalug to save them."
Angel: "I wouldn't say requested, more like included. (Puts a hand on Groo's shoulder to hold him up) Hang on. Here. Here. Did you feel it?"
Groo strides forward: "Something Evil." Angel grabs a hold of Groo again: "Whoa, easy. Slow down, Champ! We have to be very careful here."
Groo: "You're right. (Groo pulls out the bottle Anita gave him) Will you keep this safe?" Angel looks from Groo to the bottle. After a moment he takes it and puts it in his pocket.
Angel: "Fine. But we just got to be, you know, a little bit more..." Groo charges forward with a loud battle cry.
Angel: "...patient." Groo slashes away at the roots as he runs into the cave.
Fred: "It's Groo!"
Gunn: "Over here!" Groo lets out another battle cry. The face in the trunk roars back. A root shoots out and buries itself in the middle of Groo's chest. Groo drops the sword as he is pulled up beside the now released Jerry, who is lying motionless on the ground.
Fred: "What are we gonna do now?" Angel makes his way into the cave between some of the hanging roots.
Angel: "That's my shirt!" Break
Angel: "This thing is not actually made out of wood, is it?"
Fred: "No, it's flesh."
Angel: "Good. (Picks up the sword Groo dropped) Flesh I can deal with. Flesh I can kill."
Fred: "But I don't think hacking it is going to do any good. It doesn't seem to have any vital organs. It uses people as batteries. It draws its power from its victims." Angel looks from the root-demons snarling face to Groo, who is groaning and straining against the root buried in his chest.
Gunn: "And it's been getting stronger since it tapped into Groo."
Angel: "Really. Stronger. (Groo suppresses another scream) Come on! He can't be that great."
Fred: "He is the Groosalug." Gunn throws a look at Fred as he sees Angel drop the sword and walk closer to the root-face.
Angel: "What do you think? - Honestly. Does he seem really 'better' than other men?"
Demon: "He's magnificent."
Angel: "Really? - I'd say more like magnificently stupid. (Gunn and Fred exchange another look) Because him with the beer tap in his chest and me with the, you know, just walking around (Angel walks up to Groo) And I'm really getting tired of the 'Groosa-worship' thing. (Slugs Groo in the face. The root-demon lets out a roar) Nothing personal, champ. Oh! Everyone makes such a big deal about the Groosalug. (Slugs Groo. The root-demon roars.) He's such a champion. (Slug. Roar.) He's so rugged. (Slug. Roar.) He's so emotionally available. (Slug. Roar.) Look at him in the daylight. (Slug. Roar.) But you know what? I'm smarter, and I'm stronger, and I pick out my own clothes!" Angel kicks Groo. The demon roars, withdraws its tap-root from Groo and buries it in Angel's chest instead. Angel drops to his knees, catching himself on his left hand, while his right wraps around the taproot.
Angel: "Okay. Oh, jeez. Well, it's okay. You know, no one is using my heart at the moment anyway."
Demon: "Kill you."
Angel: "Sorry. Already dead."
Demon: "Vampire!"
Angel: "Yeah. Did I mention that?"
Demon moans: "Cold. - Cold."
Angel: "Oh, yeah. It's kinda cold in there. But, hey, don't let that stop you." The tree demon moans. The root bindings around Gunn and Fred shrivel and drop away. Gunn jumps up, grabs Groo's dropped sword.
Demon: "So cold."
Gunn: "So dead!" Gunn buries the sword in the root-demon's face. A yellowish green liquid pours out. Fred goes to check on Groo, while Gunn checks on Angel.
Angel: "How is he?"
Fred: "Pretty beat up. Still alive - thanks to you." Wes it talking on the phone in his office. Gunn and Fred are sitting in chairs in front of his desk.
Wes: "Yes, Ms Frakes. We are, too. - You're welcome. - Good bye. (Hangs up phone) Well, Ms Frakes is very happy. You saved her fiancé's life."
Fred: "So he's gonna be okay?"
Wes: "Yes."
Gunn: "That's good."
Wes: "Yes." There is a long pause.
Wes: "Well, good work. You should probably get cleaned up, then."
Fred getting up: "Yeah. Good idea."
Wes: "Ah, Charles, a word?" Gunn and Fred look at each other for a moment.
Fred: "Well, good night."
Gunn: "Good night. (Smiles as he watches Fred leave) What is it?" Gunn turns back to face Wes.
Wes: "When you knew this was more than just a tryst you should have told me."
Gunn: "It happened so fast. The thing just grabbed the guy and he was gone."
Wes: "That's... - That's not what I meant."
Gunn: "Oh. - You mean... (points a thumb back over his shoulder) - Well... - I'm not so sure that's any of your business."
Wes: "No. You're probably right. - Still... She could get hurt. - I trust that won't happen?"
Gunn: "What are you, her brother?"
Wes: "Apparently."
Gunn after a beat: "Wesley, I..."
Wes: "She chose. - It's just important to me that she's taken care of."
Gunn: "She will be."
Wes: "Good." Wes picks up his pen and goes back to working on translating the open book in front of him. Gunn watches him for a moment then turns to go. Halfway to the door he turns back and opens his mouth, but closes it again without speaking and leaves. Wes looks up. We hear a ripping sound and see Angel scrunch up his face, then hear buttons rain to the floor.
Cordy: "Sorry." Angel, as he watches her dab at Groo's bared chest: "It's, ah - it's okay. It, ah, was already ruined."
Cordy: "Well, if it's any consolation, I planned to rip it off him later anyway. (Her head whips around to looks at Angel) You did get the potion, didn't you?" Angel holds up the slightly dented flask.
Angel: "Yeah. We - we got it." Cordy goes back to doctoring Groo.
Cordy: "Well. This isn't so bad. You heal almost as fast as he does."
Groo: "Princess, I - I have a confession to make."
Angel: "Groo." Groo looks over at Angel, who silently shakes his head 'no' at him. Cordy pulls his face back around to look at her.
Cordy: "A confession? What - what confession? Did something happen at the brothel? (To Angel) You were supposed to look after him!"
Angel: "Nothing happened! Except your - boyfriend here was - very brave, and - saved the day."
Cordy to Groo: "You did? (Slaps his shoulder) You big hero!"
Groo: "No. I was reckless! I put everyone in grave peril. - *Angel* is the true champion. (Looks over at Angel) He saved us all." Cordy, never taking her eyes off Groo: "Did you hear that?"
Angel: "Yeah, but..."
Cordy: "How many guys would just give away the credit like that? That is just *so* noble. (Holds out her hand) The potion." Angel puts the flask into her outstretched hand. Cordy takes it then grabs Groo by his shirt and pulls him up off the settee.
Cordy: "Let's get our of here! See ya!" Cordy hurries Groo towards the exit doors of the Hyperion.
Angel: "Cordelia." Cordy stops and looks back at Angel.
Cordy: "What?" When Angel only stands there, Cordy holds up a finger to Groo then walks back to Angel.
Cordy, quietly: "What is it?" Angel takes one of her hands and puts a roll off dollar bills tied with a string into it.
Cordy: "What's this?"
Angel: "Just some money I saved up."
Cordy: "Why? What for?"
Angel: "I did something for you tonight. Now I want you to do something for me. - Don't come in tomorrow. In fact, don't come in for a couple of weeks. Take Groo some place - nice. Somewhere where there is - sun. - He'd like that."
Cordy: "Angel..."
Angel: "Promise me." Cordy shakes her head a little as she looks down at the money, hitches one shoulder a little.
Cordy: "Okay." Cordy turns to leave, then turns back and touches the hole in Angel's T-shirt where the tentacle went into his heart.
Cordy: "You sure you don't need some patching up yourself?" Angel looks down at his chest: "No, I - I'm good. Didn't hurt a bit." Cordy looks at him for a moment, then turns and walks out with Groo. As the door closes Wes comes out of his office. Angel looks at him then turns towards the stairs. Lorne is laying Connor down in his crib.
Lorne: "Alright now. You get some rest, big boy. Yes. You go to sleep. Get you nice and tucked in... yes." Lorne looks up as Angel walks up to them.
Angel: "Thanks for looking after him."
Lorne: "Yeah. Sure. (Gives Angel a look) You okay?" Angel looks down at Connor, a slight smile spreading over his face.
Angel: "Yeah." Lorne leaves as Angel keeps watching Connor. We see Wesley writing 'the son.' The camera pulls back to show us Wes staring down at his notepad. Angel walks in, carrying Connor.
Angel: "Working late?"
Wes: "Yes. - You startled me."
Angel: "Oh, we didn't mean to."
Wes: "I thought I was alone."
Angel: "Yeah. (Looks at Connor with a smile) So did I." Wes watches as Angel kisses Connor's cheek and walks back out of the office. Wes lets out a sigh and looks back down at his notepad where we can read 'the father - will kill - the son.'