(Seattle Scenes)
MVO: My college campus has a magic statue.
(SGH Façade)
MVO: It's a long-standing tradition for students to rub it's nose for good luck.
(Doctor is writing on OR board)
MVO: My freshman roommate really believed in the statue's power...
(Meredith and Addison in scrub room)
MVO: ...and insisted on visiting it to rub it's nose before every exam.
(Meredith watches Addison take off her wedding ring and pin it to her scrubs. After pinning them on, Addison pats them for good measure.)
(Burke is speaking with a nurse.) Burke: Are you sure my scrub caps weren't in the laundry delivery?
Nurse: I triple-checked.
Burke: You're sure?
Nurse: Yeah, I'm sure.
MVO: Studying might have been a better idea. She flunked out her sophomore year. But the fact is we all have little superstitious things that we do.
(Derek is getting ready to start operating)
Derek: All right, everybody. It's a beautiful morning to save lives. Let's have some fun.
MVO: If it's not believing in magic statues, it's avoiding sidewalk cracks, or always putting out left shoe on first.
(Bailey is at an operating table, she takes a few breaths before starting)
Bailey: Ok.
MVO: Knock on wood.
Bailey: Ten blade.
(Addison and Meredith's surgery)
MVO: Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
(A blood vessel bursts and the monitor starts beeping)
(Burke's OR)
Burke: Paddles.
(Cristina hands him the interior heart paddles)
Burke: Ten joules.
(The monitor starts beeping)
(Derek's OR)
Anesthesiologist: He's having a reaction. I have to take him off.
Derek: I'm in the middle of his brain.
(Monitor starts beeping)
(Bailey's OR)
Bailey: We're losing him.
(Monitor starts beeping)
(Derek's OR. A nurse is removing his head gear, the patient has obviously died.)
(Burke's OR. A nurse is removing his head gear, the patient has obviously died.)
(Bailey's OR, the patient has obviously died)
Bailey: Time of death...
(Burke's OR)
Burke: Time of death...
(Derek's OR)
Derek: Time of death...
(Addison's OR)
Addison: Call it, Grey.
MVO: The last thing we want to do is offend the gods.
Meredith: Time of death 8:17.
(The interns are in the locker room, changing.)
George: Four surgeries, four fatalities and the day has barely started. (To Cristina) Can I have a bite of that?
Cristina: No. You're in my apartment, you don't get to be in my food.
George: Dr. Burke gave me a protein bar, this morning.
Cristina: Burke packs his lunch for him. Did I mention?
Izzie: I talked to the morgue guy this morning.
Meredith: The one with the unibrow?
Izzie: The one with the like teeth thing. And he said that surgical fatalities come in threes and sevens. Says there'll be three more before midnight.
Cristina: Well, ok then. Since "dead tooth" morgue guy said so.
Izzie: He's the morgue guy. He knows things about death.
(Meredith picks up something from the floor and tries to hand it to George)
Meredith: You dropped this. (George doesn't take it and walks away) He's still ignoring me.
Cristina: Ignore him back.
Meredith: Derek says I should apologize until he listens.
Cristina: Derek says?
Meredith: It's good advice. He's my friend. That's good friend advice.
(Alex walks up and pulls Izzie aside)
Izzie: What?
Alex: Did you sneak out last night?
Izzie: Yeah. I, um...I couldn't sleep.
(Bailey enters)
Bailey: Come on.
Meredith: Where?
Bailey: ER.
George: All of us?
Bailey: We've all had deaths. Let's all go save a life.
(They all begin walking through the hall, as they walk by the nurse's station Addison stops them.)
Addison: Uh, Dr. Bailey. (Hands her a cup) Here you go.
Bailey: What's this?
Addison: Hot cocoa. It's a little ritual we had in New York. Four surgeries, four deaths, I figure we could all use a little good juju.
Bailey: And cocoa equals juju how?
Addison: Hey, hey, hey. Don't question the cocoa. Carry on. (They all start to walk away, Meredith is trailing behind.) Meredith. (Hands her a cup) Thank you for your help this morning.
Meredith: Oh. Thank you, Addison.
Addison: Yeah. Thank you.
(Derek observes the exchange between Meredith and Addison. After Meredith leaves he walks up.)
Addison: Here you go. (She hands him a cup)
Derek: Juju.
Addison: Yep.
Derek: You jujued Meredith.
Addison: I did. In the spirit of friendship.
Derek: Hmm.
Addison: What? Are we not being friends with Meredith anymore?
Derek: No, no, we are. Meredith and I are friends.
Addison: And you and I are married. So then, by proxy, Meredith and I are friends.
Derek: That's very big of you.
Addison: Yeah.
Derek: You don't have to do that. It's not like I'm gonna be friends with let's say, uh...Mark.
Addison: Yeah, well, neither am I. Now finish your juju before somebody else dies.
Derek: Hmm.
(Meredith enters a room where she throws away the cup of juju.)
(Burke is walking through the hallway talking on his cell phone.)
Burke: There are ten of them. Music notes. Colorful patterns. They were sent out last night.
(Burke walks up to the OR board where Richard is standing)
Richard: Sorry to hear about your valve replacement, this morning.
Burke: The laundry misplaced my scrub caps.
Richard: You know, there's some foolish talk going around about fatality clusters in threes and sevens.
Burke (On phone): Look, are you sure they weren't sent to another hospital?
Richard: (To Nurse who is erasing the OR board) How many electives have they canceled today?
Nurse: This is our third.
Richard: And what have the surgeons' been giving as their reasons?
Burke (On phone): Because I prefer my own caps.
Richard: You're not pushing your surgeries because you don't have your personal caps. You understand me?
Burke (Looking confused): I didn't push any surgeries. (On phone) No, no. The question is: when will you find them?
(Burke walks away)
Richard: No one changes that board unless they talk to me. No one.
(Bailey and her interns are gathered around a silent ER)
Cristina: Great. No blood, no guts, no lives to save. It's dead quiet.
Bailey: Did you really just say that?
Izzie: Cristina...
Cristina: What?
George: You said the Q-word.
Izzie: It's like saying Macbeth in theater.
Cristina: Please. You think because someone says it's quiet that it'll mean...
(ER doors open)
Woman: Can somebody help us here? She's coughing up blood.
Bailey: O'Malley! Take that.
(Everyone's pagers start beeping)
Alex: Denny Duquette.
Izzie: I got it.
Alex: He's my patient.
Bailey: He's both your patients. Answer the call.
Nurse: Two incoming.
(Ambulance bay)
Bailey: Ok, uh, Yang, first one's yours. Grey, take number two.
Paramedic: Jesse Fannon, 32, unrestrained driver in a rear end collision. There was spider webbing on the front windshield where his head hit. BP's 120 palp. Pulse 75.
Bailey: Well, what do you want to do, Yang?
(Man is counting on his fingers)
Cristina: Primary and secondary survey. Uh, head CT and X-ray.
Bailey: Ok. Page Shepherd when you get there.
Jesse: Wait! I'm counting the siren whoops. We can't go until it reaches 33.
Paramedic: He also seems to have a touch of OCD.
(Other ambulance)
Paramedic: Nikki Ratlin, 30, erratic BP in the field. Complaining of chest and leg pain.
Meredith: What happened?
Nikki: I got struck by lightning.
Cristina: Can anyone spell coincidence?
(ER)
Nikki: My horoscope said, "Stay close to home today." Aries couldn't have been any clearer. Ok, I guess it could have said, "Don't leave the house today unless you want to get struck by lightning." Ouch.
Bailey: See, Ms. Ratlin, you have no sign of wounds from lightning.
Nikki: It was a sign. Clearly getting struck by lightning is a sign. I sign that I shouldn't have left my house.
Meredith: Nikki, normally people struck by lightning have a wound where the bolt entered and exited the body.
Nikki: Well...well, I wasn't struck struck. The tree was struck and it fell on me.
Meredith: A tree fell on you?
Nikki: A big, like, branch or limb, Whatever. Same difference.
(Bailey scribbles on the paper that she had been writing on and crumbles it up.)
Bailey: No, actually, medically, it isn't the same difference. And it would be helpful if from now on you told us the whole truth.
Nikki: You want to know the truth? My boyfriend loves that tree. He's totally going to freak out. Ow.
(George runs up to Richard in the hall)
George: Chief? There's a Ms. Warner down in Admitting. She's asking for you.
Richard: Who?
(Richard and George get in the elevator)
George: Um, Olive Warner? Fifties. Uh, blonde hair. She said she's known you for about 20 years.
Richard: Are you talking about Ollie?
George: Right. Ok. Uh, Ollie Warner. She presented with upper GI bleeding. And she had a TIPSS procedure last month for esophageal varices.
(Richard and George exit the elevator, he walks up the woman who had been coughing up blood.)
Richard: I'll take this from here, O'Malley.
George: Happy to help, sir.
Richard: No, thank you. I got this myself. (To Woman) Ollie.
Ollie: Hi, Richard. Good to see you.
(Alex and Izzie are in Denny's room)
Alex: Sinus tachycardia, low-grade fever, pulse ox 75.
Izzie: I'm hearing rales in your lungs.
Denny: Yeah. A freight train rolls through at noon.
Izzie: How bad is the pain?
Denny: I don't know. A five or six when I breathe.
Alex: Which means a seven or eight when you're not trying to impress your doctor.
Denny: Heard, uh, four people died in surgery this morning. Sid they were expecting three more.
Alex: You get that from a nurse?
Denny: Never reveal my sources. Just like to avoid the OR. (Alex and Izzie exchange looks) And I'm not liking that look.
(Izzie sits on the edge of Denny's bed)
Izzie: This could be a pulmonary embolism, Denny. A complication from the LVAD surgery. We gonna have to talk to Dr. Burke.
(Alex clears his throat and Izzie stands up)
(Meredith and Cristina are in the elevator with their patients)
Meredith: I got hot chocolated. The She-Shepherd hot chocolated me. It's her juju.
Cristina: I don't like people who say juju.
Nikki: I say juju.
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju. Juju, juju, juju. Juju, juju, juju.
Meredith: I didn't drink it.
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju.
Nikki: You're not obligated to honor someone else's juju.
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju.
Cristina: Thought you were being friends.
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju.
Meredith: I am. With him. Do I have to be friends with her too?
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju.
Nikki: Definitely not.
Jesse: Juju, juju, juju.
Cristina: Maybe.
Jesse. Juju, juju, juju.
Meredith: I'll, uh, call psych for you.
Cristina: That'd be good. Thanks.
Nikki (Screaming): Ow! Ow!
(Callie is setting Nikki's broken leg.)
Callie: All right. That's the worst of it.
Nikki: Oh, I never should have gotten out of bed. But I really wanted to surprise my boyfriend before he left for school. He had a huge exam today and I just, you know, I wanted to wish him luck.
(George enters the room)
George: Dr. Torres. Hey. Hi. Uh, can I give you a hand?
Callie: You missed the boat, George.
George: You mean on this case or...?
Callie: Or...a hot chick gives you her number, you're supposed to call.
Nikki: Yeah.
George: I...I was...I mean, I am.
Callie: Too late.
Nikki: Ouch. Don't give up. I mean, if you really like her.
(Meredith enters)
George: Uh...ok.
(George leaves)
Nikki: Ok, the plot thickens.
Callie: Nikki, Dr. Grey here is going to take you upstairs for a CT. But before she does, I have to ask: you're bruised all up and down your left side. You sure a tree branch did all this?
Nikki: You think my boyfriend did this? He would never hit a woman. Ever.
Callie: Mm-hmm. The bruises doesn't look like a tree branch hit you.
Nikki: Fine. Ok, you guys are going to think I'm really weird, but I was sort of up in the tree when the lightning hit. And...I fell.
Callie: You climbed a tree in a thunderstorm?
Nikki: I really wanted it to be a surprise, you know, for my boyfriend. And...um, I just...I had to see if his psycho dog was in the yard because of, like, the barking and stuff and...I know. It sounds really weird. Does it sound really weird?
Meredith: Not at all.
Callie: No.
Nikki: and this thing is, I mean, he wasn't even there.
Meredith: The dog?
Nikki: No. My boyfriend. He wasn't even home. I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
(Derek walks by Cristina, she stops him)
Cristina: Oh, Dr. Shepherd. I've got a 34-year-old male with a blunt head trauma and severe case of OCD.
Derek: Oh, really. Did you call for a psych consult?
Cristina: Yes.
Derek: Let me know when you get a CT.
Cristina: Ok.
Derek: Thank you.
(Derek walks away and Burke walks up)
Burke: Hey.
Cristina: Hey. Hey, uh, sorry about that, uh, valve replacement.
Burke: Oh, thank you. Laundry lost my caps.
Cristina: The guy didn't die because you weren't wearing one of your caps.
Burke: I know that. I just prefer to operate wearing my own. It's a comfort thing.
Cristina: Huh, well...I prefer having George out of our apartment. So I guess we both have comfort things.
Burke: Yeah, what are you saying?
Cristina: Uh, you know, um...I have one of your caps in my locker.
Burke: Why do you have one of my caps...
Cristina: That's not the point. You know, the point is, um, is that I think I'm going to keep it hostage. So you kick Bambi out and you get your cap back.
Burke: Oh, well. I don't do well with ultimatums.
Cristina: Maybe you should think of it more as a...trade.
(Cristina walks away and George exits the elevator)
George: Dr. Burke. I've got free time. Do you have any cases, do you need help...
Burke: Actually, I do.
(They both get into the elevator)
Burke: Cristina has something of mine and I need you to get it back.
(Richard enters Ollie's room. A young lady is in the room with Ollie.)
Richard: Gretchen, would you mind leaving us alone for a minute?
Gretchen: Ok.
Richard: Thank you.
Ollie: She's my new baby. Six months sober, she's already on the ninth step.
Richard: You must be proud.
Ollie: Always.
Richard: You're on a transplant list, Ollie?
Ollie: A couple of years now.
Richard: The cirrhosis prevents blood from flowing into your liver. So it's backing up into your esophagus. Causing the ruptures. It's serious, Oll.
Ollie: Well, of course it is. I mean, you don't puke blood if it's not serious. The question is: can you treat it?
Richard: Maybe. Surgically. We'll have to run more tests and...whatever we do, it's a stop-gap. You need a new liver.
Ollie: Yet another reason I should've laid off the sauce. You look scared.
Richard: I am scared, Ollie.
Ollie: Haven't seen you at a meeting in a while.
Richard: I know, I know.
Ollie: How've you been?
Richard: We're talking about you.
Ollie: Now I'm asking about you.
Richard: Ellis Grey's daughter's working at the hospital. Ellis is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. I try to go see her every chance I get.
Ollie: You're having an affair with the woman who drove you to your alcoholic bottom.
Richard: Ollie, we're not having an affair. She's sick.
Ollie: You're lying to your wife?
Richard: I'm not lying.
Ollie: You're lying by omission. You are having an emotional affair. And now you're lying to your sponsor about it.
Richard: You haven't been my sponsor in years.
Ollie: I still have the right to bust your ass if I see you slipping.
Richard: I'm not slipping.
Ollie: Not yet. But you're making a pretty big mess. (Richard stands up and sighs) How many years you have now?
Richard: Just passed 17.
Ollie: I'm proud of you. And I'm scared too.
Richard: You got me sober, Ollie. You walked me through it. (He takes her hand) And I'm going to walk you through this.
(George is digging through Cristina's locker)
George: Ok. That's...
(Cristina enters the locker room)
George: She still has...
Cristina: You're a pervy little boy, George. And you're not finding the cap.
George: I'll do your dishes for a month.
Cristina: I don't do dishes.
George: I'll do your laundry.
Cristina: I don't do laundry.
George: Maybe that's why Burke likes having me around.
Cristina: Interesting, interesting. Are you having s*x with him?
George: No.
Cristina: Then he likes having me around more.
George: Why's it always have to be a competition? What do you want for the cap?
Cristina: You out of the apartment.
George: I'm not leaving until Burke says I have to leave.
Cristina: Then you're not getting the cap. Now clean up my crap.
George: No.
(Bailey and Meredith are looking at CT scans)
Meredith: Wow. Is that her spleen?
Bailey: Looks like a grade three laceration. Maybe a four. What was she doing standing under a tree in a thunderstorm?
Meredith: She wasn't standing under it. She was climbing it.
Bailey: Why?
Meredith: Uh...I'm getting the feeling she's a little bit of a stalker.
Bailey: Do we need to call the police?
Meredith: I don't think so. I think she's more a gentle stalker than a "kill you with a knife" stalker.
Bailey: Right. Well, let's hope she lives to gently stalk another day.
Meredith: Hey, you don't believe in that seven fatality thing, do you?
Bailey: I believe this girl needs her spleen removed immediately. Go pick up the labs and get her on the board. Then we'll break the news.
(Denny is breathing heavily, on a OR table)
Izzie: It's almost over.
Denny: You like horses, Izzie?
Izzie: Everybody likes horses.
Denny: That's not true. You know, horses are a great judge of character. You don't like horses, means they don't like you.
Izzie: Huh.
Alex: I've got an uncle that's a rodeo cowboy.
Denny: Huh. No kidding.
Burke: This is a big clot, Denny. I can't get it with the catheter. I'm sorry. We're gonna have to open your chest again.
(Cristina is taking Jesse to CT)
Jesse: I was counting the clicks. The...turn signal clicks. I couldn't move until it hit 333. The light was green, but I couldn't move. I can't blame them for hitting me.
Raj: How long have you been feeling these compulsions?
Jesse: A little bit all my life, but it's been out of control the last three years.
Raj: Onset at 30 is typical.
Jesse: Ruined a marriage. I can't hold a job...
Cristina: Ok, Mr. Fannon, do you...
Jesse: Is it clean? I need to know if it's clean.
Cristina: It's very clean.
Raj: Any relatives with OCD?
Jesse: My mother. Killed herself at 38. Ruined her life. Now it's ruining mine.
(Cristina clears her throat)
Jesse: Clean, clean, clean?
Cristina: Uh, we clean it between each patient.
Raj: I think he needs you to say "clean, clean, clean."
Cristina: It's clean, clean, clean.
Jesse: Thank you. I know it's annoying. I can't help it.
(Cristina walks past the window and sees George watching from the other side)
Jesse: Uh, find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck.
Cristina: Ok, Mr. Fannon, do you...
Jesse: Find a penny...
Raj: Repetitive rhymes, prayers. It's classic. He needs to say it a specific number of times. Probably a multiple of three.
Cristina: Let's get him in before he decides to start again.
Raj: Is everything all right with, uh...that?
(Raj nods to the window where George has his face pressed against it)
Jesse: Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck.
Cristina: Just, uh, don't look at him.
(Meredith is walking through the halls, highlighting a book. She walks up to Derek, at the same time Addison exits a nearby elevator.)
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: Hi.
Meredith: Hey...
Addison: Oh, hey.
Meredith: Hi.
Derek: Hi.
Meredith: I, uh...have to...
Derek: Yeah.
Addison: Yeah.
(Meredith walks away)
Derek: I do too.
(Derek walks away)
Addison: Yeah, I got...something too, so...
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Richard is in Ollie's room, talking to Ollie and Gretchen.)
Richard: I wish I had good news. The TIPSS procedure you had last month failed.
Gretchen: What does that mean?
Ollie: It means you're lucky you got sober young.
Richard: Ollie, it means I'm going to have to put in a portacaval shunt. It's complicated. It has only a 50% survival rate.
Ollie: What's my other choice? (Richard just looks at her) Ok, then. Um...you'll be the one to do it?
Richard: I've performed this surgery nine times. Had four patients survive.
Ollie: It's perfect then. I'll be your five out of ten.
(Bailey and Meredith enter Nikki's room)
Nikki: I'm not having surgery today.
Bailey: You have a ruptured spleen.
Nikki: And I'm sure that the spleen is very important. But I'm not having surgery today. You can operate after midnight but not one minute before.
Bailey: Miss Ratlin, if I thought it would be safe I'd be more than happy to wait until after midnight. However, I have a husband and a baby at home who won't be happy. You know who else won't be happy? You. Your spleen is bleeding. Spleen trumps horoscope.
Nikki: But it was more than just my horoscope. I went out to my car this morning. Flat tire. That's a sign, but I just changed the tire. Then there's a wreck on the freeway. Do I turn around and go home like it's telling me to? No, I detour an hour out of my way so that I can get to Kevin's house. And when I get to Kevin's house, I get struck by lightning!
Meredith: But you weren't struck by lightning.
Nikki: I'll die, ok? If you operate on my today I will die because I know I will. Please, just...just call my boyfriend and tell him that I'm having an operation at midnight. Because he will want to be here.
Meredith: Ok.
Nikki: Please.
(Bailey and Meredith start walking out of the room.)
Meredith: Should I call psych?
Bailey: You can give it a shot. In the meanwhile, get her down to ICU. Poor girl's going to kill herself trying not to die.
(Alex is drawing Denny's blood)
Alex: Izzie paints a pretty picture because she likes you, you know?
Denny: Ok.
Alex: I'm just saying she likes you. Which is going to be hard on her.
Denny: You mean...when I die? Come on. I'm asking you...man-to-man.
Alex: With a clot in your pulmonary artery, it'll cut off the oxygen to your lungs and you'll die of hypoxia. If the hypoxia doesn't kill you, the strain on your heart will.
Denny: And the surgery?
Alex: It's not a routine procedure. You're at serious risk for bleeding because of the anticoagulants already in your system. What I'm saying is Izzie likes you. And she's not going to be the one to pull away.
(Meredith and Cristina are at the lunch table in the outdoor cafeteria.)
Meredith: How's your guy?
Cristina: Brain's bleeding. Needs surgery. Want to know why? Because he couldn't move his car until he stopped counting.
Meredith: My girl? Ruptured spleen? Won't have surgery because of her horoscope.
Cristina: Oh, well, we should introduce them. They make a nice crazy couple.
(George walks up and sits down)
Cristina: Uh, you know what? I'm sitting with Meredith. Have some self-respect.
George: Dr. Burke's orders trump any personal issues I might have.
Meredith: Is the craziness rubbing off on him?
Cristina: He's trying to...stalk Burke's lucky cap from me.
Meredith: Burke has hat juju?
Cristina: Apparently.
Meredith: And you're using it against him?
Cristina: Well, they're forcing me to. Because of the clarinet playing and the running and all the breakfast food.
(Izzie walks up and sits down)
Izzie: You guys, this whole death cluster thing is just ridiculous, right? I mean, just cause four died today doesn't necessarily mean there'll be three more before midnight.
Cristina: It doesn't, Tinkerbell? For reals?
Meredith: Are you worried about Denny?
Izzie: Yeah. Of course I am. He's my patient. I mean, but if you're asking me if I'm "worried" about Denny, no. I'm sleeping with Alex, so...it's just...Hey, did Burke say anything to you...about Denny's surgery? Did he...?
Cristina: No. It's your case.
Izzie: Yeah. I know. I'm just asking that, you know, as your boyfriend, if...
Cristina: I don't know why you'd care. You're sleeping with Alex, right?
Izzie: Yeah.
Cristina: Yeah.
Izzie: Right. No, whatever. I'm just saying. There's no such thing as a death cluster. It's just stupid. Right?
Meredith: I have to go convince my patient to let us operate.
Cristina: Mm-hmm.
(Cristina and Derek are talking with Jesse)
Jesse: You're removing part of my skullcap? Do you really have to do that?
Derek: It's the only way I can get to the affected part of the brain.
Jesse: And the operating room, it's clean, clean, clean?
Derek: Yes. It's clean, clean, clean. I'm gonna go get ready.
(Derek leaves, Jesse starts clicking the light on and off)
Cristina: Can you stop that, please?
Jesse: No. Sorry. I wish I could.
(Cristina moves to reveal George standing behind her.)
Jesse (to George): She's judging me.
George: No, she's not.
Cristina: Yes, she is. I've been living with this for three years. And it's always the people who are most like me who judge me the most. You're type A, right? Straight A student? Top of your class?
Cristina: Yes, I was.
Jesse: So, you've managed to turn your compulsions into something productive. But we're cut from the same cloth. That's why you can't stand me.
Cristina: Oh. Time to go.
Jesse: But I'm not done.
Cristina: Uh, yes you are, sir.
George: How many do you have to do?
Jesse: 96.
George: Let him finish.
Cristina: Fine. I'll see you in the OR.
(Ollie, Gretchen and a group of people are in her room. Richard walks by the window. )
Ollie: Oh, there's Richard.
(Gretchen exits the room)
Gretchen: Hey. Ollie says you should come in. She says you need a meeting.
Richard: Not now. Not here.
Gretchen: Yeah. Except she said to tell you not to protect your anonymity over your sobriety.
(Richard follows Gretchen into the room, he closes the door behind him)
All: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
Richard: Amen.
(Denny is in the hallway prepped for surgery. Izzie walks up to him.)
Izzie: Hey. How you feeling?
Denny: Do me a favor? My will is inside my nightstand. Just make sure it gets in the right hands, ok?
Izzie: Why are you talking about your will?
Denny: We have to be realistic, Dr. Stevens.
Izzie: Dr. Stevens?
Denny: We got to be realistic. And if you can't, well, I can.
Izzie (to Doctors): No, wait, um...can you wait just one minute? Denny, Denny, listen to me. You're not going to die. You can't go into surgery thinking your going to die.
(Cristina enters the women's bathroom, George follows her.)
Cristina: You want me to pee in front of you, is that what you want?
George: You have it on you.
Cristina: Oh, really? You want to go there?
George: I wanna go there.
Cristina: So, what are you going to do, Bambi? You gonna what, take it from me?
George: Burke said to do whatever I have to do and I'm going to do whatever.
(George starts grabbing Cristina)
Cristina: George, it's not there. You're not getting it. Oh! No. No, you're not going to...No.
(Callie exits a bathroom stall, looking confused.)
Cristina: No. Oh! You've got my breast. That's my breast. That's my breast. My breast.
(Callie starts washing her hands. They realize that someone is in the bathroom and stop fighting.)
George: Hey, Dr. Torres.
Callie: Dr. O'Malley, You're aware this is the women's restroom?
George: Yes, ma'am.
Callie: Good.
(Callie leaves)
Cristina: Dude. You called her ma'am. She's never going to sleep with you now.
(George is in the hall and bumps into Izzie.)
George: Oh, hey. Have you seen Burke?
Izzie: He's on the phone with the laundry. They still can't find his scrub caps.
George: That's what I got to tell him. Cristina won't give hers back. Unless I'm ready to hit a woman. And even though it's Cristina, I'm not ready to cross that line.
Izzie: Wait! Wait, a moment. Cristina has one of Burke's scrub caps?
George: She's holding it hostage. Why do you think I am stalking her? You...
(Izzie runs off. She walks up behind Cristina, grabs her arm and pulls her into an office.)
Cristina: Uh, ow. You're touching me.
Izzie: George says you have Burke's scrub cap.
Cristina: So?
Izzie: Give it to him.
Cristina: No.
Izzie: Give it to him, Cristina.
Cristina: What is with you?
Izzie: He needs it to operate.
Cristina: No, he doesn't.
Izzie: That isn't your decision to make. Not when he's going in on Denny. Now, are you gonna give it to him or am I gonna physically take it from you?
Cristina: Are you threatening me?
Izzie: I swear to God, Cristina, I like you, I really do. But I grew up in a trailer park and I am not about kicking your pampered little Beverly Hills ass. And I do mean physically kicking your ass.
(Cristina and Izzie walk up to Burke.)
Cristina: You don't have to follow me.
(Izzie gives her a look and walks away. Cristina hands the scrub cap to Burke.)
Burke: Well, thank you. How long have you had this? It's one of my favorites.
Cristina: You know, you don't need it. I keep that cap in my locker because every morning I look at it and I'm reminded of what I'm here for and what I want to be. A great surgeon. A surgeon who is decisive, and who executes, and who doesn't need a piece of clothing to give him an edge in surgery. You don't need it.
Burke: I know. You're right.
Cristina: I know I'm right.
(Cristina walks away. Burke puts the scrub cap on and starts to head toward surgery. He passes George on the way.)
Burke: Nicely done, O'Malley. Let's go scrub in.
(Meredith is examining Nikki.)
Nikki: How am I doing?
Meredith: Nikki, is it possible you're misreading the signs? I mean, isn't two surgeons telling you that you need surgery a sign that you need surgery?
Nikki: Did you call my boyfriend?
Meredith: I did.
Nikki: What'd he say?
Meredith: He said he hasn't been your boyfriend in a while.
Nikki: Did you tell him I got struck by lightning?
(Scrub outside Denny's surgery. Alex is there and Izzie enters.)
Izzie: What did you say to him?
Alex: Who?
Izzie: You know who. What the hell? Why does Denny think he's dying?
Alex: Well, maybe because there's a good chance he is.
Izzie: Just so we're clear. We're over, Alex. This is over.
Alex: What? You're breaking up with me over a corpse?
Izzie: No! No. I am breaking up with you because on your very best day...that corpse is twice the man you will ever be. You're not good enough for me, Alex. You're not good enough for anyone.
(Burke enters and realizes something is going on.)
Burke: You two, you're not scrubbing in. Whatever's going on with you, I don't need it in my OR.
Alex: Fine. I'll watch from the gallery.
Burke: No, no, you won't. You will take your energy as far away from my OR as you can get.
(Alex leaves)
Burke: Both of you.
(Izzie leaves and George and Burke start scrubbing in.)
(Jesse is in the OR getting ready for surgery.)
Jesse: Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. Find a penny, pick it up...
Cristina: We're going to give you your anesthetic now.
Jesse: all day long you'll have good luck. Find a penny, pick it up...
Cristina: I'm sorry but we have to start.
Jesse: Find a penny, pick it up...
(Seattle scenes)
(Derek is starting Jesse's surgery.)
Derek: It's a beautiful afternoon to save lives, people. Lets have some fun.
(Denny's OR, Burke and George get ready to start the surgery.)
(Ollie's OR, Richard and Bailey get ready to start the surgery.)
Richard: The incision begins along the left subcostal margin, across the right rectus, and extending well into the flank.
(Meredith enters)
Meredith: Dr. Bailey? It's Nikki Ratlin.
Richard: I'll be all right, Bailey. Go.
(Bailey and Meredith enter Nikki's room)
Bailey: She, uh...yeah, she's bleeding out. We need to get her to the OR now.
Nikki: I don't want an operation.
Meredith: Nikki, your boyfriend called. He said he doesn't want you to die.
Nikki: Kevin called?
Meredith: Yes. Will you let us operate?
(She flatlines)
Meredith: Nikki?
Bailey: Oh, code blue. Come on.
(Bailey pressed the code button and code team rushes in.)
Bailey: Ok. Charge to 200.
Doctor: 200.
Bailey: Clear.
(Izzie is standing in front of the OR board, breathing deeply.)
(Richard is operating on Ollie.)
Richard: You have the back row of sutures in place. Give me some...clear field.
Doctor: Pressure's dropping.
Richard: Hang another unit. I need the field clear.
(Nikki's room)
Bailey: Clear. Charge 300!
Doctor: Charge.
Bailey: Clear.
(Derek and Cristina are operating on Jesse.)
Derek: Gel foam. That clip should've done it. I don't know. There's something I'm missing.
(Burke is operating on Denny)
Doctor: He's losing pressure, Dr. Burke.
Burke: I'm working as fast as I can.
George: We're losing him.
(Stairs near the OR board.)
Female Intern: I heard they're dying left and right.
Male Intern: See? Told you there'd be seven.
Izzie: Who? Who died?
Female Intern: Don't know. I bet it was that spleen chick. You hear she wouldn't let them operate.
Male Intern: Ah, my money's on the chief's shunt.
Alex: I have twenty says Burke's guy went down. Dude's a walking time bomb.
Male Intern: Bet.
(Meredith and Bailey walk up. Meredith erases Nikki from the OR board.)
Bailey: That makes five.
Izzie: You lost her?
Meredith: Yeah. I heard there's a number six.
Izzie: Do you know who else?
Meredith: No. I'm going to inform the family.
(Richard walks out to the waiting room where Gretchen and a group of people are waiting.)
Richard: She made it through.
(Gretchen hugs him)
Gretchen: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Man: Thank you.
Richard: You're welcome. You're welcome.
(Derek and Cristina leave the OR, Jesse didn't make it.)
MVO: Superstition lies in the space between what we can control...
(Izzie is standing in a room, tears streaking her face.)
MVO: and what we can't.
Denny: So, I wasn't one of the seven?
Izzie: It's past midnight. There were only six.
Denny: Then why are you crying?
Izzie: I'm not crying.
Denny: You are too.
Izzie: Oh, damn it. I cannot fall for a patient.
Denny: Oh. Ok. Good luck with that.
(Izzie smiles then kisses Denny.)
MVO: Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.
(George enters the locker room, where all the interns are getting ready to go home. He scoffs when he sees Meredith.)
Alex: O'Malley, you are a sad excuse for a man.
George: Excuse me?
Alex: I know you heard me. You're like a whiny little girl.
Meredith: Alex.
Alex: You know why he's not speaking to you? Because he's not over you. Man, you got laid, it went badly. A man would move on. But you? You mope around this place like a dog that likes to get kicked. You make me sick, and if it wouldn't get me thrown out of the program, I'd smash your pathetic little face right into that locker.
MVO: No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it 33 times really help?
(Cristina is leaving the hospital.)
MVO: Is anyone really listening?
(Burke runs to catch up with her.)
Burke: Hey. So if you feel that strongly about O'Malley, I'll ask him to leave tonight.
Cristina: No, no, don't.
Burke: I thought you wanted him out.
Cristina: I do. But...not tonight.
(Burke pulls the scrub cap out of his pocket.)
Burke: Scrub cap.
Cristina: Oh. Thank you.
Burke: You're welcome.
MVO: And if no one's listening, why do we bother doing those strange things at all?
(Callie is walking in the ER and runs into George.)
George: Hi. I didn't call. I should have called. I just...
(Callie walks away. George takes out his phone and calls her.)
George: Hi. This is George O'Malley calling. You gave me your phone number. I know I should have called sooner, but I'm calling now. And I just want to know...maybe you want to go out with me sometime? Because...I...love to watch you set bones. And I...oh, I...rarely spend...that much time in a women's restroom. And I really like you. (Callie smiles at him)So...is that a yes?
MVO: We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers.
(Addison walks up to Meredith with two cups of coffee)
Addison: Hey.
Meredith: Hey.
Addison: I'm sorry to hear about your patient.
Meredith: Thank you, Addison.
MVO: And that life works in mysterious ways.
(She gives one cup to Meredith and then walks to where Derek is standing and hands him the other cup.)
Addison: Here you go, babe.
Derek: Thank you.
Addison: Hmm. Ready?
(He hands the cup back.)
Derek: Yeah. Here you go. Thank you.
(Derek and Meredith share a glance and then Derek walks away.)
MVO: Don't diss the juju...from wherever it comes.
(Meredith takes a sip of the coffee and throws the rest away.)


Act One.
Scene One - KACL Frasier and Roz are in Frasier's booth. Roz is sorting some carts, while Frasier opens his mail.
Frasier: Oh look, Roz, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, god, very exciting! Vacation!
Roz takes one of the brochures from Frasier.
Roz: Wow! The Golden Door Spa!
Frasier: Ooh, yes!
Roz: Look at those accommodations! That is nice!
She gives the leaflet to Frasier.
Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!
Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
Frasier stands up, annoyed, turns his back on her, and begins to sort through his brochures on the side bench of the studio.
Roz: I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!
She walks into the adjoining producer's suite. Frasier follows her through.
Frasier: You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I have with my dad I can't help but envy the relationship you have with your mother.
Roz: Well, it didn't just happen. We work at it, spend time together...
Frasier: Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend!
Roz: Day to day living is different. You know, there is nothing better than taking a trip together. You get to have a little fun, you get to relax... you get to see a whole different side to the other person.
Frasier: You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that. [looks questioningly at Roz] So, what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?
Roz looks at him with a wry smile on her face and shakes her head.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Fade back in. Niles is sitting with his face down on the table as Daphne massages his back. Martin is sitting in his chair with the paper in one hand, and is stroking Eddie with the other.
Niles: [moaning with pleasure:] Ahh... I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.
Daphne lifts him to sit up straight, puts her arm around his neck and proceeds to massage his back with the fist of her right hand.
Daphne: Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles gives more moans of pleasure, and Martin looks round at him in amusement.
Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Nieman- Marcus.
Martin turns back to his paper, shaking his head. Niles produces more moans of ecstasy. Frasier enters the apartment, carrying his briefcase.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane...
Niles: [still moaning] Oh, call me Niles!
Frasier casts his usual look of disapproval and disappointment in Niles's direction, and Niles, noticing him, stands up.
Niles: Thank you, Daphne.
Frasier: Dad, I've had an idea and I hope you're as excited about it as I am. [opens his briefcase and takes out the holiday brochures] I want to take you on vacation!
Martin: [suspicious] Why?
Frasier: Well, I thought an adventure might do us good, give us a chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
Martin: What'd you have in mind?
Frasier: Well, this isn't about where I want to go, this is about where you want to go.
Frasier fans out the leaflets and lays them on the table by his father in an extravagant gesture.
Frasier: Dad, I give you the world!
Martin: [reading one] The Galy-pay-gos islands, huh? "Where iguanas, sea-lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony." [to Frasier] Is it important they get along?
Frasier: No, I suppose not.
Niles has also been looking through the leaflets.
Niles: Oh, how about this! India and Nepal! Trek the foothills of the Himalayas!
Martin: [tapping his cane] I think you're forgetting about my old pal here.
Niles: No problem. Frasier can just hire a really tough little Sherpa to carry you on his back.
Martin looks at him stupidly.
Niles: They don't mind.
Frasier: Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will, we will. Dad, why don't you just suggest something?
Martin: You really want to go on a trip with me?
Frasier: Yes I do! I'll go anywhere you want to! Anywhere!
Martin: Okay. Well, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I think I should see America first!
Frasier: Great! We're Americans, we should see America!
Martin: And I want to see it in a Winnebago!
Frasier stands up in horror, but with feigned enthusiasm.
Frasier: A Winnebago! Hot damn, that has a real ring to it! He crosses to pour a drink.
Martin: Yeah! It's something your mother and I always dreamed about doing when I retired.
Frasier: Then that is exactly the trip we are going to take!
Martin: You really mean it?
Frasier: Absolutely!
Daphne: This calls for a celebration!
Daphne exits to kitchen, Frasier crosses to fire place and Martin also exits towards the kitchen.
Martin: Yeah, let's pop open a couple of beers! I think I've got a bag of pork rinds in here too!
Frasier: Oh, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already!
He hangs his head in horror, leaning on the mantelpiece in despair. Niles crosses the room towards him.
Niles: [mockingly] Oh, Winnebago Boy? Make sure to hang a lot of beach chairs on the back and give it a really cute name like... "The Whoopin' Cranes!"
He dissolves into laughter.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. When I agreed to see America with Dad I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said together I meant adjoining suites!
Niles: Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
Frasier: I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles: Yeah, but she lucked out and died! [laughs]
Frasier pulls Niles to the corner of the apartment to be sure they can't be heard from the kitchen.
Frasier: [in desperation] Niles listen, listen. If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but THIS is an imposition!
Cut to Martin and Daphne in the kitchen. Daphne is chopping cheese, and Martin sits opposite her.
Martin: You've got to come with us!
Daphne: Why?
Martin: Well, Frasier and I don't have anything to talk about! I always feel more comfortable when there's someone else around, or the TV's blaring.
Daphne: Then why did you suggest it?
Martin: Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my mouth, but the more I think about it... I mean, can you really see me and Frasier together all day and then crawling into our bunks at Night, lying head to head... bonding? [shivers] Eew! I'll pay you! I've got pension money!
Cut back to Niles and Frasier.
Frasier: I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier."
Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day. The two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags... straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by... I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry!
Cut to Martin and Daphne.
Daphne: Why don't you just tell him you don't want to go?
Martin: Oh, you heard how he wants to go. I don't want to disappoint him!
Cut to Niles and Frasier.
Frasier: I don't want to disappoint him!!
Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person.
He begins to cross to refill his drink.
Niles: Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm-not-going.
Martin and Daphne re-enter. Daphne is carrying some cheese chunks on a plate.
Martin: Hey, great news, Daphne's coming too!
Niles: And so am I!
He eats a cheese chunk.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE WHOOPIN' CRANES
Scene Three - A Winnebago. The Crane clan, plus Daphne, are traveling along in their rented Winnebago. The north-western American countryside is visible out of the rear window. Frasier is driving, and Martin is in the passenger seat videotaping the view. Daphne is sitting behind them. Niles appears to be absent from the scene.
Martin: It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like sitting in your own living room watching TV! Only it isn't TV, it's America!
Frasier: Yes Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming - actual reality.
Martin: [Looking at map] Okay, we've got a turn-off coming up in about five miles, so start slowing down.
Frasier: Righto, Dad.
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!
There is a flushing sound, and Niles appears from the back of the vehicle.
Niles: Oh my God! It's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin!
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles? [to Daphne] When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since...
Niles: Or speed bumps.
Martin: Okay, turnoff's coming up now, we're about four miles away, get ready, it's coming up! Alright, you're okay on the right! It's never to early to move over!
Frasier: You know, Dad, I was wondering. What inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore?
Martin: Well, we've got a week off, right? That's as far as we can go in three and a half days and still make it back. We get there, get out, walk around the Valley of the Presidents, drive back, boom! Another fine landmark under our belts!
Daphne: Well, you've certainly got this trip well-planned, Mr. Crane! Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of knickers and see where the wind takes me!
At this comment Niles proceeds to look back at Daphne's backside.
Frasier: [noticing] Niles... Niles!
Frasier then pulls hard right on the steering wheel making the vehicle swerve sharply left. Everyone else remains in the same place but Niles, caught off balance, crashes left into some overhead cupboards, right into a chair behind Daphne and then falls spectacularly onto the floor whilst clutching at the kitchen sideboard. He quickly attempts to retake his place behind Frasier, before Daphne and Martin notice.
Unsuccessfully. Martin looks strangely at Niles, not realising why Frasier swerved, then looks curiously at Frasier as if to say, "What the hell was that!" Frasier, however, drives on happily with a large smile on his face.
Frasier: You know, what Daphne is saying is what we should really be doing!
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Well, you know, why should we be so beholden to maps and schedules? We should roam! America has always been enchanted with the romance of the open highway. Jack Kerouac went "on the road," Buzz and Todd got their "kicks on Route 66!" The adventure is in the journey! We should just ramble!
Niles: Good golly, I'm inspired. I'm going to put on a baseball cap.
He proceeds to put on a cap, backwards.
Martin: Frasier watch it, you're going to miss the turn off!!
Frasier: So?
Martin: We'll get lost!
Frasier: Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go, we're home!
Martin: No! It's coming up! [tugging at Frasier's arm] It's coming up! Alright, turn here! [frantically] This is it! Turn! Turn here...! We missed it!!
Daphne and Niles look on in amusement.
Frasier: Dad, we didn't miss anything!
Martin: [horrified] Oh my God!
Frasier: We are now on the road less traveled. From now on there is a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road.
Martin: [panicking] Alright, now don't panic! There's got to be an access road leading back onto that turn off...
He proceeds to hunt around the map, frantically.]
Martin: Where is it? Where is it! [finds it] Oh, it's always in the crack!
Frasier: So is life, Dad.
End Of Act One (Time: 10:23) Act Two.
Scene One - Winnebago Fade in. Several hours have elapsed, and Martin is now driving. Niles and Frasier stand behind the two front seats, for Eddie is sitting in the front passenger chair.
Martin: I've got to say, I was pretty anxious, but I'm starting to like this free spirit stuff!
Frasier: [pointing out of window] Oh Dad, Dad look! There's a historical marker up ahead! Let's stop! Let's go see it, huh?
Martin: Yes, just driving wherever you feel like it...
Niles: It's educational Dad, there! There! There! There! There! Dad!
The Crane boys are pointing excitedly, but Martin drives right past. Niles and Frasier follow it as it whizzes by, and then turn back to the front disappointedly.
Niles: What did it say?
Frasier: I don't know. The only word I saw was "Legendary."
Niles: [spotting another attraction on the other side of the road] Oh, oh look, a roadside stand! Fresh fruit, homemade apple cider! Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad...
Both: Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAD!
Martin once again drives right by and the boys turn to look at the stand as it whizzes by. Once again they turn back disappointedly, and Niles punches the back of Martins chair lightly.
Frasier: Look Dad, you seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.
He tries to sit down but Eddie is in the chair. He sits down anyway and Eddie is squashed to the side of the chair, then sits on Frasier's knee.
Niles picks up the camcorder and begins to film the view out of the front of the van.
Frasier: We're supposed to go where the wind blows us, for god's sakes!
Martin: It's blowing, we're going, why are you moaning?
Frasier: [angrily] What is this obsession you have with covering a certain distance?
Martin: It's just the way I relax!
A car drives past, horn blaring. Martin leans out of the window to shout at it.
Martin: Hey, watch it! I've got my kids in the car!
As he has been shouting he has veered to the left. He straightens out quickly by swerving to the right, sending Niles once again crashing into the overhead lockers. Niles reels back, stunned.
Frasier: What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to me! Don't you think so, Niles?
He turns to Niles, who has started to videotape Daphne, who is sleeping.
Frasier: Niles! What are you doing?!
Niles: I'm making a vacation video, something that we can look at years from now, over and over and over and over again...
Frasier stands up and takes the camera from him.
Frasier: Just give me that!
Martin: Okay, you guys want to stop so bad, we'll stop. See that sign over there?
Niles: "Have your photo taken with a live grizzly bear - Marvella's souvenirs and gifts - one mile."
Martin: Yeah! I always wanted to have my picture taken with a bear!
Frasier: Well, some dreams cannot be denied! [looking into the passenger side view mirror] Okay dad, alright, you're good here, you're good on my side, dad. Alright, just go ahead, ease it right over, it's never to early to change lanes... [realising what he is saying] Oh my God, it must be genetic.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - inside Marvella's souvenirs and gifts. The Frasier gang enter, and Eddie starts to bark at a full-size, stuffed grizzly bear propped up in front of a painted view of a mountain surrounded by trees. The rest of the store is full of various souvenirs and junk items. There is a woman standing behind a counter.
Marvella: Get your dog away from my bear! I just had him cleaned!
Daphne: He's stuffed!
Frasier: You know, your sign said "a live bear."
Marvella: It's an old sign.
Martin: [looking at picture behind bear] Would you look at that view! It's like we're really there!
Frasier: Yes, but if we were actually there dad, we'd be whizzing past at fifty miles per hour!
Niles: Oh Frasier, look! It's the gourmet food department!
Frasier: Oh! Homemade deer jerky!
Niles: [reading notice with a sarcastic laugh] No sampling...
Frasier: No problem!
Martin and Daphne are standing in front of the bear.
Martin: Okay! [to lady] Excuse me! Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody, alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we do?
Frasier: Well, how about this? [he puts his hands up and opens his mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear]
Martin: Yeah! That's great, I like that! Okay, everybody! Eddie?
Marvella: Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian.
Frasier: Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?
Everyone puts on their "scared" faces.
Marvella: Okay, one...
Daphne: Why would she want Canadian dollars?
Marvella: Two...
Martin: Because we're in Canada.
Marvella: Three!
On "three," Daphne screams loudly as Marvella takes the picture. Everybody looks at her as she steps forward off the photo platform.
Daphne: We're in Canada?!
Martin: Yeah, we crossed the border a while ago, when you were taking a nap.
Daphne: But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the United States!
Frasier: Why?
Daphne: Because I don't have my green card yet! Oh, this is just perfect! Three months until my final interview, the one thing they told me not to do was to leave the country! And what do you do? Wait until the first time I fall asleep and drag me across the bleeding border! They're never going to let me back in!
Niles: They have to take you back, it's not your fault. [He crosses to comfort her]
Frasier: [to Martin] This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!
Martin: Well, you're the one who had to go where the wind blows!
Martin and Frasier proceed to yell at each other loudly and angrily. Niles attempts to butt in to calm them down but can't find an appropriate break in the argument to make himself heard. Daphne grabs a duck call and blows it loudly to grab their attention, near-deafening Niles in the process.
Daphne: Never mind whose fault it is, I'm stuck here! What am I going to do?
Niles: We'll just go to the authorities and explain. I'm sure mishaps like this happen all the time.
Martin: Oh, get real Niles, they've got the rules!
Frasier: Oh, then what's your solution dad?
Martin: Just sneak her back across the border.
Niles: That's called smuggling!
Martin: [very sarcastically] Oh, thanks Niles. I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical term!
Frasier: Dad, I can't believe that you of all people, a former policeman, are actually suggesting that we commit a felony!
Martin: Oh, I cross this border plenty! Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the guards just peek in the door and wave you through. It's no big deal. Now let's get out of here!
Niles: Well, what if they pull us over?
Martin: Then Daphne's just got to convince them that she's an American.
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats having me bum bounced back across the pond! Let's give it a bash.
The others exit and Frasier is left holding the door.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof... Frasier exits.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE HOLE IN THE HEAD GANG
Scene Three - The Winnebago Back in the motor home, heading for the border. Frasier is driving, Niles and Daphne are sitting at the table. Martin is pacing up and down the van.
Niles: I'm about to defraud the United States Immigration Department. Not just me, my father and my older brother. People who should be role models for me. It's not my fault; I'm the product of a bad environment.
Martin: [to Daphne] Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne: [in a poor imitation of a U.S. accent] Sure.
Martin: Okay, what?
Daphne: You just heard it!
Martin: What?
Daphne: [repeating the accent] "Sure." That's it, that's all I can say! [Martin looks horrified] Oh, I need a cup of tea!
Frasier: TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"!!
Niles: Don't you snap at her, Frasier, you're a psychiatrist. You should be in better control of your emotions. [panicking] Oh my God, there's the border! I can see the line of cars!
Martin: Alright, now everybody calm down, we're going to be fine. Just remember that they'll be looking for suspicious behavior. [Niles is rocking back and forth with his head resting on his arm.] Niles, that qualifies! Alright, now if the guard pokes his head in here, what did we say he's going to see?
All: Four carefree Americans.
Daphne: I've never been so nervous.
Frasier: I don't think there's any need to be. They're waving everyone through... they're not even asking any questions!
Niles: Oh, please, please, please!
Frasier: They're waving us through... they're waving us through... they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over!
The gang look mortified. Niles resumes rocking back and forwards.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHECKPOINT CHARLIE
Scene Four - Winnebago. The van has stopped, and the guard is approaching.
Martin: Here comes the guard.
Daphne: I can't do this.
Martin: Now everything's going to be fine, don't worry. Just remember to keep your answers short. People who have something to hide always talk too much.
Guard enters.
Guard: Hi, folks.
Martin: Hi, there!
Guard: Have a good time in Canada?
Martin: Oh, great!
Frasier: Canada, wow!
Guard: [to Niles] What was the purpose of your trip to Canada, sir?
After a long pause and a look at Martin, he answers deadpan:
Niles: Fun.
Guard: [after an equally long pause] I see. [to Frasier] And where were you born, Sir?
Frasier: Seattle, Washington. Oh, you want to know what country? Oh, well, America! Of course! I'm quite an American really, I vote all the time, and always for the law and order guy!
I...
Guard: That's fine, sir, I don't need any more details. [To Daphne] And you, Miss? Did you enjoy Canada?
Daphne: [In her ever-so-convincing accent] Sure!
Guard: And the weather?
Daphne: Sure, sure!
Guard: [To Frasier] Is this your vehicle Sir?
Frasier: Oh, no. Yes, yes! Well, I rented it! It's American-made, you see, I always look for that union label...
Guard: I just need your license and registration.
Frasier: Oh, right, uh, it's right here in this little side pocket. There's the registration. Let me get my license out for you... oh, yes, here we are!
Guard: Stay right here.
The Guard exits to check the documents.
Martin: [sarcastically] Well, I can certainly depend on my gang, can't
I?
Niles: [standing] That's it. I'm going to be arrested!
He sits in the passenger seat.
Daphne: We're all getting arrested! She crosses to sit where Niles was, by the door.
Niles: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me!
Martin: Cool it, Niles.
Daphne: It's too late to turn back! I say we make a run for it.
Frasier: Oh yes, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border guard newsletter!
Martin: Now will everybody just shut up? You keep babbling like this they're going to catch us for sure! [looks out of window] He's coming back!
The guard enters.
Guard: Well, these check out.
All: Well, glad to hear that...
Frasier: All strictly on the up and up...
Daphne has her head turned from the guard. He looks at her suspiciously.
Guard: Miss, you've been very quiet. Is there something I should know here?
Daphne says nothing but smiles and shakes her head.
Guard: You seem awfully nervous. May I have your name, please? Daphne looks mortified. She looks at Martin for help.
Martin: Oh, alright. I guess I should have known better than to try something like this
Niles: [standing] Dad, don't!
Frasier: It was just a mistake!
Guard: [to Niles and Frasier] You men just want to back off? [to Martin] What is it you want to say, sir?
Martin: We were trying to pull one over on you. Eddie?
Eddie jumps into his lap.
Martin: We don't have a rabies certificate for the dog.
Guard: I knew something was going on here.
The Guard crosses to check the rest of the van, then stands by Martin.
Martin: Yeah, well you see, we weren't planning on coming here, and when we got to the border we just forgot all about it.
Niles: I for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
Frasier: Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the little dog away and we'll be off!
Martin: [casting Frasier a very evil look] Look, this is my fault. If you're worried that we picked the dog up here in Canada, well we didn't. I mean I've got a picture I can show you. Here's a picture of him taken at the Seattle Space Needle.
He shows the guard a wallet photo of Eddie. Martin's old police badge is still in the wallet, and he makes it quite obvious to the guard.
Guard: I see you've got a badge there.
Martin: [with mock surprise] Oh, yeah!
Guard: Are you a policeman?
Martin: Retired. Thirty years on the Seattle police force. Me of all people should know better, huh?
Frasier: Absolutely.
Niles: Definitely.
Daphne: [still with accent] Sure.
Guard: Next time remember the rabies certificate. Have a safe trip home.
Martin: Thanks, officer.
Frasier: Thank you.
The Guard exits. They all break into individual victory dances.
Martin: Drive! They all remember themselves and turn to carry on their journey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Five - Winnebago Fade in. Night has fallen, and Niles and Daphne are asleep. Martin is driving, and Frasier comes to sit next to him in the passenger seat. Eddie barks at him as he walks by.
Frasier: [to Eddie] They would have returned you eventually! So dad, how long 'til we get home?
Martin: About two hours. This highway goes right into Seattle. Why don't you lean back, take a little nap?
Frasier: Oh no, I'm okay. I though maybe we'd chat a little bit.
Martin: Oh yeah, great!
There is an awkward, long, silence.
Martin: You know Frasier, I just can't help it. When we're alone together I just don't know what the hell to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I asked Daphne to come along.
Frasier: Well, I had my suspicions but I hoped that wasn't the case.
Martin: Oh, knock it off. That's why you asked Niles to come along too.
Frasier: That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
They both laugh.
Martin: You know, the funny thing, we didn't have such a bad time, did we? [they both laugh again]
Frasier: [imitating guard and Martin] "I see you've got a badge there..." "Oh, yeah!"
They laugh again. Frasier picks up the map and starts to examine it.
Frasier: You know dad, there's no reason for us to cut our trip short. According to this map we're not that far from Yellowstone.
Martin: Oh, I always wanted to see Old Faithful!
Frasier: Me, too!
Martin: If you wanted a real adventure we could drop these two sleeping beauties off at home first.
Frasier: You mean it? Just the two of us alone?
Martin: Yeah!
Frasier: Just you and me, father and son!
Martin: Yeah! You and me, camping out in Yellowstone, all alone!
Frasier: All by ourselves!
The excitement goes out of their faces as the reality of this situation dawns on them. There is another awkward silence.
Martin: Well, you know, it'd be an awful shame if Daphne didn't get to see those Indian paint pots...
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Martin: They are a real miracle of nature.
Frasier: Yeah. Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around that old house all by himself.
Martin: Maris out of town? That'd be cruel.
Frasier: Yeah, absolutely. So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
Martin: Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
Frasier: It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
Martin: I've got a better surprise than that: let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico!
Martin and Frasier burst into devilish laughter. End Of Act Two. (Time 22:20)
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Camcorder, supposedly held by Niles, is being used to film a sleeping Daphne. However she wakes up and is shocked. The view then pans round to the left to reveal a very disapproving Frasier looking right into the camera.


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: Who wants French toast?
Ross: Oh, I'll have some!
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!
Chandler: What's the matter honey?
Monica: I don't know, my hand feels weird. I guess it's because, I'm engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?
Phoebe: It starts?
Rachel: Yeah, so let's get started on the wedding plans!
Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)
Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!
Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music...
Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks...
Ross: Take it from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)
Chandler: What in God's name is that?!
Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven't seen that since the forth grade!
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y'know, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let's take a look at... (Phoebe rushes in.)
Phoebe: Hey! Ross!
Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you... (Motions that they should learn everyone's hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what's going on?
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y'know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: Nothing-Why?!
Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]
Monica: All right, so I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
Rachel: Aw.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Chandler: Well, you couldn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't play anymore and Derrick... (Off of Rachel and Monica's looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn't know.
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Y'know, something a little snugglyer?
Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
Joey: Well, the duck...
Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
Chandler: Centerpieces!
Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they're a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Monica: Oh my God! It's like one mind.
Chandler: Uh-huh!
Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I'm gonna get cranky!
Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: All right, I'm gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
Joey: I don't know! But he did not eat your face cream!
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He's about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel's room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That's so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar...(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) ...wouldn't be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his...(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on the table she's set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe...
Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.
Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, let's talk outside.
(They go into the hall.)
Ross: Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment!
Phoebe: What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's!
Ross: And they knew about it?
Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?
Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!
Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don't know what the big deal is!
Ross: The big deal is I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle-beer! Cold beer.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, what 'cha doing?
Joey: Sweepin'. Why? Turn you on?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel: Joey, did you eat my face cream?
(She walks into her bedroom.)
Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
(She comes back out.)
Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?
Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!
Joey: Yeah I did!
Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!
Joey: Okay, look I'm sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn't have, but you got p0rn!
Rachel: Hey-hey, y'know what? I don't care! I'm not ashamed of my book. There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little...erotica. It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
Joey: You got p0rn!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle-beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe's massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
Ross: Hello.
Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
Ross: Uh no-no, she-she's out for the night.
Woman: Ohh great.
Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.
Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I'll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)
(Ross isn't happy and closes the door slowly.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, your parents must've been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know how that happened.
Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don't know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Monica: Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (She and Chandler laugh, but her parents don't.) What?
Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can't do it.
Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don't you?
Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]
Monica: I don't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
Mrs. Geller: We're sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that sweetie.
Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.
Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?
Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn't think he'd ever propose!
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
Monica: I can't believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn't think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don't want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn't like it.]
Ross: Okay! Now, I'm going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that's soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]
Monica: I can't believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
Chandler: I don't know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She's saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!
Rachel: Wait, but there's no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Monica: No! No it's not! It's not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
Rachel: No, y'know what? It's gonna be okay. I mean you don't have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y'know? And-and you don't need, you don't need this custom-made, empire-waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we're gonna get married.
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe: Look, why don't you just pay for it yourself?
Monica: How? I don't have any money.
Chandler: Well, I have some.
Monica: How much?
Chandler: Well, close to... (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
Monica: It's enough for wedding scenario eight.
Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!
Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
Chandler: Well, you're not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
Chandler: Well, come on, I've been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I'm not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we're only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica: You-you're gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler: Yes, I am!
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]
Joey: Hey Rach.
Rachel: (quietly) Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?
Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
Joey: No-no-no, I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel: Well no, I don't smell anything.
Joey: Oh, y'know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing!
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee's cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
Rachel: Y'know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)
Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) 'Sup?
Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I'm sorry?
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!
Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Ross: Okay, so it wasn't uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him acu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Phoebe: Well, he's never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Ross: Hey, y'know what? This is your fault! You're the one that didn't move his-his appointment.
Phoebe: Oh, it's my fault?! You didn't have to massage him! You could've sent him away! You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
Ross: His daughter was hot.
Joey: Gotcha.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where'd we live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin' about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!
Monica: Oh good.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Joey: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey: The vicar!
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey: Like a goalie, right?
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it's enough alright?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it's-I'm not-it's just not funny anymore!
Joey: All right, I'm sorry. Rach I-Rach I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
Rachel: All right! Y'know what? That's it! You wanna do it?! Let's do it!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) That's right, I wanna do it with you! I've been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)
Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I've been waitin' so long to get on that body!
Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Yeah that's right! Come on Joey; s*x me up!
Joey: Hey-hey, you're startin' to sound like the butcher's wife there in-in chapter seven.
Rachel: Oh, come on now, don't keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you're in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
Joey: I don't want to, I'm scared.
(Rachel walks away, pleased with herself.)