[Scene: Manor. Dining room. Phoebe, Paige, Jason and Richard are there. They have just finished dinner.]
Paige: Okay, this has been really fun, guys, but Phoebe actually brought us here tonight to say something, didn't you, Pheebs?
Phoebe: No, no, I-I-I just think that we don't get to see enough of each other, that's all.
(She laughs nervously.)
Jason: Might be a little longer too, seeing as we're off to Paris in the morning.
Paige: Yeah, about that French merger...
Phoebe: Oh, Hong Kong, Rome, gay Pa-Ree, it's enough to send a girl's head spinning, you know.
Paige: But wasn't there something you really wanted to say about...
Richard: Ah, you must have great business karma.
Jason: Oh, karma? I don't believe in that stuff.
Richard: Not at all?
Jason: Well, I mean, you know, if somebody cuts me off on the road, I'd like to think that they're gonna get what's coming to them, if that's what you mean.
Richard: That's karma, the great cosmic justice system. You reap what you sow.
Paige: Great, fabulous, anyway, Phoebe.
(Paige kicks Phoebe under the table.)
Phoebe: Ah! Uh, okay, alright. Uh, Jason, there is something that I want to share with you right now, and, uh, that would be... a toast. A toast to your new merger.
Paige: Pheebs, could you help me with the cobbler.
(Phoebe and Paige leave the room.)
Jason: Am I missing something?
[Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige walk in.]
Paige: Okay, that was a three course meal, not including the fruit and cheese plate, I gave you a million openings. What do you want? A drum roll?
Phoebe: Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Paige: You are going with him to France tomorrow. You've been putting this off for too long, you have to tell him you're a witch.
Phoebe: I'm just thinking maybe we should wait until we get there to tell him, you know. And then if there's an emergency you can orb us back, okay?
Paige: You've probably been caught almost like a million times. You can't keep taking that risk.
Phoebe: I know. You know, maybe I should wait until tomorrow until after the big banquet so I don't upset his big day.
Paige: I think that you have a big problem with avoiding conflict and one day, missy, it is gonna come back and bite you in the ass.
(Richard walks in.)
Richard: Hey, he's getting a little antsy in there.
Paige: And you, what is it with this whole karma thing? You're supposed to be making it easier for her.
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Piper's under attack, she needs your help fast.
Phoebe: Saved by the orb. Great. Keep Jason occupied.
(Phoebe and Paige orb out.)
[Cut to dining room. Leo walks in holding a pot of coffee and a dish of dessert. Richard walks in behind him.]
Jason: Leo? What are you doing here?
Leo: Uh, just bringing dessert. You want some?
Richard: The girls are just tidying up.
[Cut to a tunnel. Piper is there. She blows up a demon and another one appears.]
Piper: Crap.
(The demon throws a fireball at Piper and she dives out of the way. Phoebe and Paige orb in.)
Phoebe: Piper.
Piper: About time.
(They help her up and Piper blows up the demon.)
Phoebe: It wasn't easy to find you in these catacombs.
Paige: You were supposed to wait until after dinner so I could help.
Piper: Well, I thought I could handle it. Except I must have missed something in the book.
Phoebe: I guess so.
Piper: Look, every time I hit one, two more show up.
(Piper looks around the corner and sees two more demons. She tries to blow them up but they duck and she misses. They throw two fireballs.)
Phoebe: Okay, back up. (Phoebe walks around the corner.) Hey, boys!
(They throw a fireball each at Phoebe and she channels them straight back at them, vanquishing them. Four more shimmer in. Piper and Paige pull Phoebe back behind the wall.)
Piper: Okay, new plan. Blast and then bail.
Phoebe: Okay.
[Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Jason walks in with Leo and Richard following.]
Jason: Hey, Phoebe, what's taking you so long? Wh-Where'd they go?
Richard: Uh, must be an emergency or something.
Jason: It's always some emergency or some phone call or some marathon pee-break. What's going on?
(Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in, in front of Jason. He faints.)
Piper: Oh.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe watches Jason drive away in his car. She closes the door and walks into the living room where Leo is healing Piper's wound on her forehead.]
Leo: I'd better go check on Wyatt.
(Leo leaves the room.)
Phoebe: I've never seen him like that. He looked at me like he had no idea who I was.
Paige: He doesn't know you. Not the witch you, anyway.
Piper: He's just gonna need some time.
Phoebe: Why didn't I just tell him? And no I told you so's.
Paige: We all make little mistakes, honey.
Phoebe: This was a very big mistake. I can't imagine how he's feeling right now, what he's going through.
Paige: The good news is it's out in the open now and, uh, you know, you guys have no more secrets.
(Richard walks in.)
Richard: Food's away, table's cleared, anything else I can do?
Paige: No, thank you.
Richard: Hey, I feel awful. I'm sorry about what happened.
Phoebe: It's not your fault.
Richard: Well, actually, it is.
Piper: Why? Did you shove Jason into the kitchen?
Richard: No, but my karma did. I'm serious, I'm convinced I'm carrying around the burden of my family's karma. We did so much bad with magic, now magic's doing bad to me, and those I care about.
Paige: Now that is completely ridiculous.
Richard: The feud has lasted for decades in my family, and so many people were hurt in the crossfire. Somebody's gotta inherit that bad karma, right?
Piper: Not really how karma works.
Phoebe: You live a double life with your boyfriend, and you pay the price. If anyone's karma made this happen it's mine.
Paige: That's true. You had the chance to clean this up tonight and you didn't.
Phoebe: See, there's that 'I told you so', huh?
Paige: Only to make a point.
Phoebe: No, you're right. I've been avoiding conflict my whole life.
Richard: And it just happened the night I was here? It's all I'm saying.
Piper: Hey, you guys, this mea culpa game is real fun and all but we're not gonna solve anything. Um, there's multiplying swarm demons on the other hand.
Paige: That's right, we riled them up, didn't we?
Piper: Yeah, and if they attack right now we won't know how to deal with them. So why don't you two hit the book and I'll catch up after I check on Wyatt.
Phoebe: Uh, would you guys mind if I sat this one out? I kind of feel like I need to go see Jason.
Piper: Well, maybe after we...
Paige: No, we can handle it.
[Cut to Wyatt's room. Leo lays Wyatt down in his crib. He covers him with a red blanket. Piper walks in.]
Piper: Leo, no, no, no.
Leo: What? What? What? What is it?
(Piper pulls off the red blanket.)
Piper: This, this.
Leo: What, my grandmother's quilt.
Piper: Her red quilt. The colour of anger and violence and all things bad.
Leo: Bad? I used that quilt.
Piper: Well, you can have it back. Wyatt is now using the powder blue baby blanket. Did you turn off the serenity Mozart CD? Look, we need to bathe Wyatt in goodness and nurture peace and serenity. Happy things.
(She plays the Mozart CD on the CD player.)
Leo: Piper, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
Piper: Leo, there's no such thing as overreacting when it comes to the future of our child.
Leo: Okay, but aren't the swarm demons the last on the list of threats?
Piper: Yes, but...
Leo: Okay, and when they're gone, are you gonna stop worrying a little bit, right?
Piper: No, because I've sent Chris to suss out if there's any new threats.
Leo: Okay, not to press a point but didn't you just have an epiphany about not focusing all your energy on Wyatt?
Piper: Yes, well, that was before Chris informed us that our child is going to grow up to be the future of all evil. Besides, it's not all I do. I have the club, I have friends.
Leo: Wow.
Piper: Look, it's just that Wyatt still comes first. Which is why you're going to take him up the Elders so he's safe while we figure out how to deal with the swarm demons. And while you're there, can you ask them if there's anything they can do to ensure goodness in Wyatt, you know, pull a few strings.
Leo: Piper, we don't need any strings pulled. We can protect our son ourselves.
Piper: Well, in the future apparently we don't. Okay, so look, there are blue booties in the bag in case it gets cold, so don't be afraid to use them, okay?
(Piper leaves the room. Leo picks up Wyatt.)
Leo: Don't ask me, she's your mother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige and Richard are there.]
Richard: Look, you and I both know in order to make this work you can't repress yourself.
Paige: I'm not. Look, practising magic.
Richard: Yeah, but you don't want me to.
Paige: Every relationship is gonna have its challenges, right? Look at Phoebe and Jason.
Richard: I'm telling you, that was me.
Paige: No, that was them not being truthful with each other, and as long as we are, we're gonna be fine.
Richard: Fine would be if I could start over with a clean slate.
Paige: You just be the wonderful person that you are and it's gonna make up for all the bad things your family ever did.
Richard: Not in this life time. I wanna start over.
Paige: It's not possible. If it were, everybody would do it.
Richard: Okay, everybody's not a powerful witch.
Paige: Look, karma is the DNA of the universe. It's what balances everything out. You start screwing with that, you could mess up the entire cosmic order of things.
Richard: Maybe you can help me cast a spell.
Paige: What part of no shortcuts are you not you getting? There's an aura cleanse, a chakra cleanse, but no karma cleanse. If it were possible to be cleansed, it would be in there. But there's no spell, it can't be done.
(Piper walks in.)
Piper: Got anything?
Paige: Yeah, let's see. (Piper and Paige look at the open book.) They are distant relatives of kazis and vampires, which means they come from a hive. Did you even read this?
Piper: I skimmed it. So they were drones that we were killing. Well, no wonder they just kept coming back. It says you have to kill the king to kill the hive which requires a power of three spell. I'll call Phoebe.
(She heads for the door.)
Paige: Hey, just slow down there, okay? Take it easy.
Piper: Okay, you orb out and get Phoebe and I'll start on the potion.
Paige: Why don't we just track the leader down. You and I. That way Phoebe and Jason can have a little bit of time alone, yeah?
Piper: Well, what if the swarm attacks before... (Paige gives her a look.) Okay, fine. We'll locate the ruler first.
Paige: Brilliant idea. (to Richard) Hey, can I orb you anywhere?
Richard: No, it's okay. I drove my car here.
Paige: Okay. I'll see you soon.
(Piper and Paige orb out. Richard walks over to the Book of Shadows and starts flipping through it.)
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Jason's office. Jason is there. Phoebe walks in.]
Jason: You stay away.
Phoebe: We need to talk.
Jason: No, no, I don't wanna talk. You're, this is your... this-this is-is-is so beyond, this is so far beyond my reality, you know. I-I-I I'm just still trying to figure out how-how you could... fifteen months I didn't know.
Phoebe: I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I couldn't. And you know now, so can we talk about this please?
Jason: Oh, okay, fine, let's talk. Alright, what was this, huh? The Godiva girls. Was that magic?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Jason: Okay, what about that-that funny looking little cousin of yours, cousin Shamus. What the hell was he? One of the seven dwarves?
Phoebe: Uh, no actually, he was a leprechaun. And not really my cousin. Look, Jason, I know how you feel.
Jason: How do I feel, Phoebe? Huh? Tell me because I don't know. But you, you always seem to know. So tell me, how's it gonna feel when I crash? 'Cause I-I-I see one coming. Is it gonna feel like when you said 'I love you too'? Because that, that was magic, wasn't it?
Phoebe: But I do love you.
Jason: I-I-I don't have time for this.
Phoebe: I didn't want you to find out like this, believe me.
Jason: I, uh, I have to concentrate. I'm speaking in front of a hundred share holders celebrating the, uh, second biggest French media merger of the decade, okay? So, I need to, I need to focus.
[Scene: Tunnel. Piper and Phoebe are walking around.]
Piper: Hey, you're the one that wanted to look for the swarm king in the first place, remember?
Paige: Yeah, that's when I thought it was a hive, not so much a maze. Oh, no. (She spots some footprints.) Is this starting to look familiar? Are we...?
Piper: Going around in circles?
Paige: Let's just orb home.
Piper: Why are you in such a rush to go home all of a sudden?
Paige: It's Richard. Anytime he's alone for too long bad things start to happen. (They hear footsteps. Piper gets ready to blow up whoever's about to walk around the corner.) No. (Paige takes her around the corner out of sight.) It only attracts them more, remember? (A dozen swarm demons walk past.) Should we follow them?
Piper: Good idea. (They start to follow the swarm demons but more appear behind them.) Now?
Paige: Yeah.
(Piper blows them up.)
[Cut to the manor. Attic. Richard has the Aura Cleanse spell open in the Book of Shadows. He is writing down a spell on a piece of paper. He picks up the paper and grabs a pinch of sand and walks over to some lit candles. He sprinkles the sand on the floor.]
Richard: "I call to thee, pure witch's fire, through vortex flow the heavenly mire, cleanse brackish karma of debris, from dark to light sweep history."
(A bright light circles Richard.)
[Cut to downstairs. Phoebe walks in through the front door.]
Phoebe: Hello? Anybody home? (She hangs up her coat. The light disappears from Richard and reappears downstairs, hitting Phoebe. She gets a vision of French soldiers firing at a target. Phoebe is thrown backwards.) Qu'est-ce que c'est?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper and Paige orb in. They look tired and sore.]
Piper: How many did we get? Fifteen or sixteen?
(Paige yawns.)
Paige: I don't know. I stopped counting at dawn. I'm gonna go crash. Actually, I'm gonna go check on Richard and then go crash.
Piper: But wait, we know where the king is now. So we gotta get Phoebe so we can go back and get him.
Paige: No. I am taking a hot bath and curling into a nice warm bed.
Piper: You know, living at Richard's mansion has made you soft.
Paige: Oh, shush.
Piper: I'm serious. What if this is the demon that gets to Wyatt?
Paige: Well, then it's all the more reason for us to be well-rested, right?
(Piper sees a broken vase on the floor.)
Piper: What happened here?
(Phoebe comes down the stairs wearing very little.)
Phoebe: Bonjour! Bonjour!
Paige: Bonjour?
Piper: What the heck are you wearing?
Phoebe: Oh, just a little something to help me win my boyfriend back. Showing a little skin never hurt.
Paige: Oh, I'll file that away.
Piper: I guess it didn't go so good with Jason last night?
Phoebe: No, unfortunately. Je ne sais pas pourquoi.
Paige: Since when do you speak freedom fry?
Phoebe: I don't know actually, it's kind of weird considering I hate the French.
Piper: No you don't. You love everything about France.
Phoebe: I do? Oh, then maybe I just hate being dumped. All the more reason to go get him.
Piper: Uh, just there's one thing. See, we kind of need the power of three for a vanquish, you know, to save your nephews future and all.
Phoebe: Yeah, sorry, I can't. (She heads for the door.) Au revoir.
(She leaves.)
Piper: Please tell me she didn't...
Paige: Cast a spell on herself? I think she did.
[Scene: Tunnels. The swarm king and dozens of swarm demons are there.]
Swarm King: I can feel their pain. This is where they fought and died. Correct me if I'm wrong but this was your division.
Swarm Demon #1: I'm afraid it was.
Swarm King: Remember, this is going to hurt me much more than it hurts you. (He vanquishes Swarm Demon #1.) It is time to bring the fight to them! Let the Charmed Ones feel our pain!
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are there looking at the page the Book of Shadows is open to.]
Piper: I'm confused. How does cleansing her aura get Jason back?
Paige: No, Phoebe didn't cast the spell, Richard did.
Piper: Richard wants Jason back?
Paige: No, Richard wants to cleanse his karma. Oh my god, that's what he used the book for. Damn it, I shouldn't have left him alone.
Piper: Wait a second, what does this have to do with Phoebe?
Paige: Karma is not something you mess with. Especially not magically. Whatever Richard did could have gone wonky and affected her somehow. I mean, there's all this unfinished karma just floating around out there waiting to complete its cycle.
Piper: What the hell are you talking about?
Paige: I'm talking about Richard screwing with the karma wheel and Phoebe getting smacked down by it. She said it herself, she's been lying to Jason, living a double life, if that doesn't attract bad karma, I don't know what does.
Piper: Someone's unfinished bad karma?
Paige: Exactly. Except who's?
Piper: Well, I'd guess a French hooker by the way she's been acting.
Paige: Or worse. Okay, you go get Phoebe, I'll go get Richard.
Piper: But what if he's infected too?
Paige:Well, I'll save him and then I'll kill him.
(Paige leaves the room.)
[Scene: Richard's house. Study. Richard is there. Paige storms in.]
Paige: Cast any spells lately?
Richard: No. Alright, yeah, one. It didn't work though.
Paige: How do you know?
Richard: Because... Alright, I was cleansing my soul...
Paige: Yeah, yeah, skip down to the bottom. What happened when you said the spell, exactly.
Richard: Energy and light came down from the ceiling, it surrounded me...
Paige: And hit Phoebe.
Richard: No, I was there alone.
Paige: Oh, yeah, you were alone. Okay, then how do you explain my sister suddenly walking around like she's in the nudie version of La Miz.
Richard: I don't know. I don't know why it affected her and not me.
Paige: Maybe because your family is surrounded by so much bad karma that there's no room for anybody else's. What were you thinking?
Richard: I was thinking about us.
Paige: Us?
Richard: Yeah. I don't want my past to hurt you.
Paige: Richard, I know that you mean well, I really do. And I get that it must be so hard to not practise magic when you can, but you can't...
Richard: How can you be with a guy that's got a problem with the very thing you're all about? I have an idea. I have a potion that'll help Phoebe.
(He heads for the door.)
Paige: Richard.
Richard: What?
Paige: Stop.
Richard: I can't. I did this. I need to fix it.
Paige: No, hey. Please. Just no more magic.
[Scene: Office. Steve's there. Richard walks in.]
Richard: Hey, bro.
Steve: Richard. Man, how the hell have you been?
(They hug.)
Richard: Good, good, you know. Wow, you look good, and you got your hair cut.
Steve: Yeah, for court. I'm doing pro bono now.
Richard: A do-gooder. Wow, you.
Steve: Yeah, I needed a change in my life. So, mum's been worried. No one's heard from you. Staying out of trouble I hope.
Richard: Yeah, more or less.
Steve: So, uh, you still seeing Paige?
Richard: Absolutely. I can't imagine life without her.
Steve: It sounds serious.
Richard: I hope so.
Steve: Well, here, man, take a seat.
Richard: Actually, I can't, I gotta go. Listen, I've been going through some of the old potion books just for the hell of it, and I can't find that one dad used to use to banish spirits. Do you know where it is?
Steve: I thought be both agreed not to mess with that stuff anymore.
Richard: I'm not. Not really. It's hard to explain. Do you know where it is?
Steve: Richard.
Richard: Look, save the speech. Can you help me or not?
Steve: Why? What'd you do?
Richard: Nothing.
Steve: Are people hurt? Do you need...
Richard: Damn it, Steve! Can you help me or not? Please.
[Scene: Outside a building. Phoebe is waiting on the sidewalk. Jason pulls up in a limo. He gets out.]
Jason: What are you doing here? And what are you wearing?
Phoebe: I'm looking for you. (She pulls him closer.) Mon petit choux.
Jason: Look, I don't have time for this. (He pulls away.) This is crazy.
(She grabs him.)
Phoebe: You have every right to be very upset with me, I know I've been a very, very bad girl. Please let me make it up to you.
Jason: I don't think so.
Phoebe: What do you mean you don't think so?
Jason: Hey, take it easy, Phoebe, we'll talk about it later, okay? Right now I'm running late.
Phoebe: There's always time for l'amour.
(She tries to kiss him.)
Jason: Whoa. Uh, listen, this is, I, this merger is very important to me, okay? I need to keep a clear head if that's at all possible.
Phoebe: Are you saying you don't want me?
Jason: Not right now.
Phoebe: Cochon. You pig. Quel est ton probleme? Fils de pute!.
Jason: You're crazy.
(He walks towards the building.)
Phoebe: You think you can just walk away from me? You think I'm crazy? You think this is crazy? Just wait.
[Cut to inside. Jason is standing up on a stage talking to a room full of people in suits. There is a table full of food in the centre of the room.]
Jason: In the climate of this world economy, diversity is essential. And that is why this merger is essential if we want to grow as a company. Combing resources will allow us to tap into markets that would have otherwise remained beyond our reach. (They applause.) And so today we celebrate a new Franco-American business community, in which bilateral trade is not only encouraged... (The microphone makes a high-pitched noise. The people split in two groups to make a clear path down to the stage. Phoebe is standing near the back and walks down the clearing the people have made. She walks up onto the stage.) What the hell are you doing?
Phoebe: You turned on me, you rejected me, and I'd say you'll live to regret it but you won't.
Jason: This isn't a game.
Phoebe: Viola!
Jason: Phoebe, you can't do this.
(He takes off his coat and wraps it around Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh, no? Pourquoi pas?. Watch me. (She pulls away from him and his coat.) Curses on this merger.
(The champagne bottles pop and squirt champagne everywhere. The food turns into snails and toads and pigeons. The people scream and run around the room.)
Jason: Phoebe, stop this.
(He grabs her.)
Phoebe: You let go of me!
(She pushes him onto the floor.)
Jason: Are you trying to ruin me?
Phoebe: Oh, that's just the hors d'oeuvre. Wait until you see the entree. It's to die for.
(Suddenly everything freezes including Phoebe. Piper walks through the people.)
Piper: Leo! (She walks onto the stage.) Leo! Leo!
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Whoa.
Piper: Yeah.
Leo: Wh-Why is Phoebe frozen?
Piper: That's not Phoebe.
Leo: What do you mean?
Piper: Long story. Let's get out of here.
Leo: What about all this?
Piper: Later, later.
(Leo orbs out with Piper and Phoebe. The room unfreezes.)
Jason: Phoebe?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Paige is reading a book. Phoebe sits on a chair.]
Piper: Sit down and put this on.
(She throws her a blanket.)
Phoebe: I'm not finished with my revenge.
Piper: Sit or I will freeze. We need to figure out who's karma you got.
Phoebe: I'll never tell. Je ne fait pas ca.
Paige: Okay, she's French. Bad karma... Napoleon?
Piper: Probably not.
Leo: Phoebe's not our only problem, that entire auditorium saw her use magic.
Piper: Well, we fix Phoebe first and then we take care of the swarm king and if we're still alive after that, we'll worry about it then. (Phoebe sighs.) Maybe you should go check on Wyatt and make sure he's okay.
Leo: He's fine. Okay, I'll go check.
(Leo orbs out. Piper walks over to the Book of Shadows.)
Piper: See if I can piece together a spell to de-karma Phoebe.
Paige: Okay, what about, uh, Marie Antoinette, Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France?
Phoebe: Oh, now you insult me. I can't stand France.
Piper: Vital clue there?
Paige: Okay, let's see. Speaks French, hates the country, more than willing to strip in public... Oh my god, I saw something in here. Famous female spies... Mata Hari.
Piper: Wasn't she one of the Bond girls?
Paige: No. Look, an exotic stripper in Paris, Dutch born, double agent for Germany during World War I. Says here Mata Hari was convicted by French officials and executed by a firing squad.
Piper: Well, no wonder she hates the French.
Phoebe: Not half as much as I hate you for keeping me here. I need my freedom, I need my revenge.
Piper: What does her karma have to do with Phoebe?
Paige: Well, duplicitous, living a double life... Ring any bells?
Phoebe: Enough!
(Phoebe gets up.)
Piper: Where are you going?
Phoebe: Au revoir.
(She goes in the other room. Piper freezes her. Piper and Paige walk over to Phoebe and unfreeze her.)
Piper: Hi. Look, it's two against one and you are not going anywhere. (Two swarm demons appear and throw fireballs at them. Phoebe and Paige dive behind the couch. One of the fireballs hits Piper on her arm. She blows them up.) Why am I always the one getting hit?
(Three more swarm demons shimmer in but are facing the wrong way.)
Phoebe: Behind you!
(The swarm demons turn around and Piper blows up one. Another one shimmers in and throws a fireball, hitting Paige on the arm.)
Swarm Demon: Take her!
(He points to Phoebe. One of them grabs Phoebe and shimmers out with her. The other two shimmer out.)
Paige: Am I crazy or was she trying to save them from us?
[Scene: Swarm Demon hive. Two Swarm Demons are holding onto Phoebe.]
Swarm King: I didn't tell you to bring her here, I ordered you to kill them.
Swarm Demon: The Charmed Ones were all together. We were lucky to grab one and get away.
Phoebe: Oh, luck had nothing to do with it, I saved your butts back there. Excuse me, are you in charge here?
Swarm King: I am.
(Phoebe pulls away from the two Swarm Demons.)
Phoebe: Good, because I'd like to get in bed with you. Not literally. Although, there may be time for that later. What I'm saying is, if you'll help me, I'll help you.
Swarm King: You think I'm a fool? Saving my drones to gain my favour? I'm not one to fall for tricks.
Phoebe: This isn't a trick. Hands off me. The witches have double crossed me. They wanna keep me against my will.
Swarm King: So do I.
Phoebe: Yeah, let me guess. To lure them here so you can kill all of us? Yeah, see you're not the first demon to try that and fail. They've got good karma. Centuries of it. It's what protects them, us.
Swarm King: And what is it that you suggest?
Phoebe: Well, I was hoping that you would help me create some bad karma for them by, oh, I don't know, maybe killing an innocent.
Swarm King: Who did you have in mind?
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Jason's office. Jason is there. Richard walks in.]
Richard: Jason.
Jason: What are you doing here?
Richard: I'm looking for Phoebe. Have you seen her?
Jason: Not since she destroyed my career, no. Listen, uh, I've gotta give a press conference, try to salvage what's left of my reputation.
Richard: Don't go, alright? I know how you feel.
Jason: Oh, you know how I feel? You know how it feels to have the woman you love lie to you? To turn your one shining moment into chaos, and to strip in front of a packed auditorium.
Richard: No. Look, it's not her fault. If you want to blame somebody, blame me. I cast a spell that...
Jason: Hold on, you too?
Richard: Yeah. Look, there's no time to explain. (He pulls out a potion.) Just, just take this, please. The moment you see Phoebe, throw this at her, she'll be back to normal, I promise.
Jason: Wait a second, what is that?
Richard: It's a potion.
Jason: Get out of here.
Richard: Look, I screwed up big time, alright? The only way to fix this is to use this on Phoebe. (He puts the potion in Jason's shirt pocket.) If you love her you'll do it.
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Paige are there dabbing each other's wounds.]
Paige: Ow!
Piper: Well, if you would just hold still.
Paige: Fine. There. Done.
Piper: Ow.
Paige: You know, we wouldn't even be in this mess if it weren't for Phoebe not being able to deal with conflict.
Piper: Actually, we wouldn't be in this mess if your boyfriend could handle his magic.
(Piper pushes on a band-aid on Paige's wound.)
Paige: Ow! You did that on purpose.
Piper: Yes, I did.
Paige: Maybe we should just focus on how to save Phoebe.
Piper: Well, we could storm the hive but then again, she'd probably just help them stop us.
Paige: Well, that's just Mata Hari coming through, using whoever she can to exact her revenge.
Piper: But against who? The men who put her to death are long gone. And besides, doesn't her real karma eventually lead to her own self destruction anyway?
Paige: Well, I think that's why we need to figure out why she's using Phoebe before it's too late, right?
Piper: Which brings us back to Mata Hari's revenge.
Paige: Okay, she's spent her life pleasing men, only to be betrayed by them at the end...
Piper: Oh, no.
Paige: What?
Piper: What if she wants to return the favour?
[Cut to outside The Bay Mirror. Piper and Paige orb in behind a truck. Jason goes over to the limo with reporters chasing him.]
Jason: Listen up, folks. I'll answer everything at the press conference. Please, do me a favour and hold your questions until then.
(Jason gets in the limo and Phoebe's waiting there.)
Phoebe: Hello, Jason.
Jason: Phoebe, I've had enough.
Phoebe: Shh. (Two swarm demons shimmer in beside him.) I always get my man.
Jason: Wait. Hang on a second.
(They shimmer out with Jason. Piper and Paige walk over to the limo and look inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Swarm Demon tunnels. Piper and Paige are there.]
Paige: I swear this is where we found the king last time.
Piper: Well, maybe your orbing was off.
Paige: My orbing was not off. They've just moved.
Piper: Well, we should be hearing the swarms, so why don't we?
Paige: I don't know, 'cause there's like a jillion miles in this stupid maze. They could be anywhere.
Piper: We don't even know if Phoebe is here.
Paige: Well, it's our best bet. I swear, if she is hurt, I am never going to forgive Richard.
Piper: I think Jason's the one we need to worry about right now.
[Cut to a cave. Phoebe, Jason and the swarm demons are there.]
Phoebe: Such a sweet man, such a horrible way to die. I almost want to cry. Almost.
Jason: What are you doing? Please stop this game.
Phoebe: Life is a game. The last one standing wins. And that would be me.
Jason: I get it, you're trying to teach me a lesson, I get it.
Phoebe: No lesson, I just don't like being betrayed.
Jason: Well, what about him? Won't he betray you?
Phoebe: Goodbye, mon amour.
Jason: Phoebe, please, I'm begging you.
Phoebe: Oh, don't beg. I stared at my killer right in the eye. So much more dignified way to die.
Jason: Richard was right.
Phoebe: Who?
Swarm King: Enough! Can we please get on with this?
Phoebe: Ready? (The swarm demons create fireballs.) Aim. (Jason reaches in his pocket and pulls out a potion. He throws it at Phoebe. Mata Hari leaves her body.) No!
(Piper and Paige walk around the corner.)
Swarm King: Fire!
(Phoebe faces the swarm demons and they throw the fireballs. She channels the fireballs back to them and vanquishes some. The rest dive behind rocks and throws more fireballs. Phoebe and Jason run around the corner.)
Phoebe: Oh, thank god, I'm so happy to see you guys.
Paige: You're you.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Piper: Reunion later, slay now.
Swarm King: Fire at her!
Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Demon swarm that serves as one, vanquish him from which they come."
(The Swarm King is vanquished along with the rest of the swarm demons.)
Phoebe: Jason. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Jason: Me too.
Piper: I hate to break this up, I really do, but we've gotta go.
Paige: How did you get rid of Mata Hari's karma?
Jason: Who?
Piper: Don't ask.
Phoebe: Where'd you get the potion from?
Jason: I got it from Richard. He said it would be the only thing that might save you.
Paige: Richard.
[Scene: Richard's house. Richard opens a door to a room full of potions and ingredients. He walks in and closes the door.]
[Scene: Manor. Wyatt's room. Piper, Leo and Wyatt are there. Piper puts Wyatt in his playpen.]
Leo: Are you okay?
Piper: Oh, yeah, you know, considering I'm the mother of the future leader of all evil.
Leo: No you're not. Okay, maybe he won't be now that you took care of the last threat on him.
Piper: You know as well as I do that was not the last threat. There'll be others.
Leo: And you'll take care of them too. Especially now that we know what can happen. After all, well aware is half there.
Piper: Did Phoebe give you that psycho babble? I just don't understand how someone so sweet could possibly turn so bad.
Leo: I don't believe he will, despite what Chris says. Or maybe because of it we won't let it. You know, Piper, all parents worry about their kids, it's part of their job description. We just have to have faith.
Piper: Yeah, but Wyatt isn't just any kid.
Leo: And we're not just any parents either.
Piper: Well, at least we know he'll inherit all of our family's good karma, and that should help.
Leo: I hope it helps Phoebe too. She still has what happened to Jason's banquet to worry about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside a Hotel. It's raining. Jason gets out of a limo and the doorman holds an umbrella above him. They walk to the door, under cover. Phoebe runs across the road.]
Phoebe: Jason! Jason!
Jason: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I wanna talk to the press. I wanna tell them everything.
Jason: Right. What are you gonna do? Tell them you're a witch? That'll make the headlines.
Phoebe: Uh, actually, I didn't think about what I was gonna say them. I just know that I can't let you take the fall for this. I am so sorry about everything. The lies and...
Jason: Hey, don't. Remember you saved me.
Phoebe: Yeah, but that was after I tried to kill you.
Jason: Well, there was that.
Phoebe: If I could do it all again, I would tell you the truth.
Jason: Give me a break, Phoebe, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna tell me? And besides, I was so wrapped up in my career and dragging you around the world, I never gave you a chance.
Phoebe: So, um, what do we do now?
Jason: I don't know. Maybe we should just both take some time. They're waiting for me.
Phoebe: I wish you'd let me talk to them.
Jason: No, no, what you and your sisters do, what I saw you do, it, uh, put some perspective on my work. I wanna protect that.
Phoebe: You might lose the merger.
Jason: I've lost worst.
(They kiss and Phoebe walks away.)


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren't amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop-motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: It's your mommy. It's your mommy.
Ross: Ohhhh...
Rachel: That's nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they're gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm...Okay.
Ross: It wasn't the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I'm stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin' right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh no I-no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that's right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn't that good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You'll never gonna believe what happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and...
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I'm sittin' in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I'm gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that's great!!
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Oh, you weren't finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It's the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it's really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I'm so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I got-I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I'll be playing Drake Ramoray's twin brother, Stryker!
Monica: Oooh!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) Well-I got a head rush from standing up too fast right there.
[Scene: Rachel's New Office, she's interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That's right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn't the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It's not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in, it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I'm a total pro!
(There's a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Man: Hello?
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I'm here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what's-what is-what's your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That's it. That's my whole name.
Rachel: That's your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let's-let's just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't have a lot of experience, but uh...
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday's, come on!
Tag: It's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn...
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I'm sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I can't do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe's secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That's it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That's right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just don't know how you decide who to hire. I mean I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there's this guy...
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Let's see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh... But no! No! You can't-you can't hire him, because that-it's not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer's office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: It's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller than they used to.
Terry: It's a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Ramoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don't we start right now!
Joey: Okay.
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Y'know Terry, I-I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: I'm sorry Joey that's...that's the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sittin' up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin' stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y'know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who's hoop... This is a star that the hoop-this hoop-I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
[Scene: Rachel's office, she's there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first... (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Rachel: Kinda.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn't put "good at noticing stuff" on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody.
Rachel: Well...
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You're my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Rachel: Yeah!
Tag: I can't believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey! Good, you're home!
Chandler: Oh it's always nicer to hear than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! What's up?
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Oh, nothin' much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for dinner.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: (notices the table) Hey-Ooh! What's-what's that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. They're umm... They're just uh...ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way I'll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can't eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What's so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) I'm not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompson's getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It's not like I chose to do it! It's not like-It's not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: You're right. I mean I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had to okay?! We're getting married! Married couples can't keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with...girls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard...
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey-Ooh, how's Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they're taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We're not even shootin' them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Phoebe: Sorry.
Rachel: I'm sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn't mind, of course.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn't tell time 'til she was 13!
Monica: It's hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow-whoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: Hey!!!
Monica: Ohh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of any more for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin'!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! That's madness!
[Scene: Rachel's Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Green's office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Tag: Hi! Rachel Green's office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! That's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We'll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I'm telling you...
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There's a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because she's listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What's his story? Is he...
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terry's office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait-Look-Wait I-I... Look, I'm really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can't help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeless.
Nurse #2: It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Ramoray's a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only it's not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Ramoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Y'know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Monica: No!
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I don't know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Y'know when I said that because we're getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let's not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you'll excuse me, I-I'm gonna go hang out with some people who don't know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I'm sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with...all the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Rachel's office, she's looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what's up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch...by guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But I'm not gay. And I especially wouldn't want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Why's that?
Tag: I don't think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: 'Kay.
Tag: Well...
Rachel: Yeah.
Tag: I'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she's gay.


[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there talking on the phone while holding a crying Chris. Wyatt is sitting in a highchair.]
Piper: Yeah, I get that, Rex, but I need you at the club. You're supposed to be there. Valentine's Day is gonna be a very busy night. Can't you ask her to marry you another night?
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Get off that phone.
Piper: You know what, I'll handle it. Good luck. (Piper hangs up.) I hope she says no.
Phoebe: Take a look at this. This is the new face of evil. (She shows Piper a newspaper.) His name is John Normand. He owns the phone company, and he's been stealing from us for months. Doesn't that just make you angry?
Piper: Not really.
Phoebe: Wait, he's been stealing from us, and he's probably gonna get away with it due to some loophole or something.
(Piper puts Chris down on the change table.)
Piper: Phoebe, I'm a little more worried about the actual demons in the world, you know, the ones we almost got rid of.
Phoebe: Yeah, there's nothing we can do about them. We tried to save the world, it didn't work. The demons are gonna attack when they're gonna attack.
Piper: And when they do, we're just gonna be right back to the same old... (Piper takes off Chris' diaper.) Wow!
Phoebe: Whoa! You're not kidding. Wow!
Piper: Okeydokey. (Piper puts a new diaper on Chris.) Speaking of which, could you do me a favour and watch the boys tonight? I need Leo to help me set up at P3, and apparently my manager is busy proposing.
Phoebe: Yeah, sure, of course. It's not like anyone's proposing to me, or like anyone's sending me flowers or reciting me poetry. So much for the little girl I saw in my vision.
Piper: Well, Phoebe, just because the Avatars are gone doesn't mean that you won't still find love.
Phoebe: Easy for you to say. You have Leo.
Piper: Yeah, but do I really? It's only a matter of time before the Elders punish him for becoming an Avatar, which they practically drove him to anyway with Gideon and everything.
Phoebe: They made Kyle a Whitelighter, and that's good, right?
Piper: Yeah, but it took him away from Paige. And believe me, they got their cosmic jollies off that one.
Phoebe: Where is Paige?
Piper: At Magic School, where else? Why?
Phoebe: Just worried about her, that's all.
[Scene: Magic School. Paige and Miss Donovan are there.]
Paige: It really is another great application.
Miss Donovan: A muse? No, no, no, no. You can't hire her as the next literature professor. She'll inspire them to write novels instead of reading them.
Paige: Oh, that's a good point. I hadn't thought of that.
Miss Donovan: Well, I did. And that's why you should hire me.
Paige: What? You want to be a teacher?
Miss Donovan: Well, isn't it time I moved up? Besides, I had a great rapport with the last literature professor.
Paige: You hated that little gnome, arguing with him five minutes before he was killed.
Miss Donovan: Well, that was our way. Besides, if the truth were told, he'd want me to have the job. I'm very well-read.
Paige: It takes more than that, though. It takes being able to really connect with the students.
Miss Donovan: I can do that. In fact, I've got some tricks you don't even know about.
(Miss Donovan suddenly disappears and she sits up on the couch near by.)
Paige: Did you astral project?
Miss Donovan: Mrs. Winterbourne taught me before she went on sabbatical. Don't worry, I'll get used to it. Trust me. I am the best candidate for this job.
(The hear a motorbike.)
Paige: What the hell...
(A guy on a motorbike suddenly appears and he skids across the floor and slams into a table.)
Drake: That's gonna leave a mark. Sorry about the table.
Paige: Are you okay?
(He turns off the motorbike.)
Miss Donovan: Who are you?
Drake: I'm the new teacher.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Magic School. Continued from before.]
Miss Donovan: You ride in here and nearly kill us, and now you want to teach here?
Drake: If I wanted to teach parallel parking, you might have a point, but I'm here for literature.
Miss Donovan: And what do you know about literature?
Drake: Plenty. (He clicks his fingers and a sheet of paper appears in his hand.) My resume.
(He hands it to Paige.)
Paige: Drake. Huh. Well, maybe you should have sent this in so you didn't waste your time.
Drake: Oh, I never waste my time. For life is but a walking shadow, the poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale...
Miss Donovan: Tale told...
Drake: Take it, sister.
Miss Donovan: By an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying...
Drake: Nothing.
Paige: You two are not gonna make this easy for me.
Drake: Come on, what are you talking about? No contest. It's right there on the resume. I studied at Juilliard, performed on Broadway, and I was penning a memoir that I intend to finish on my deathbed.
Miss Donovan: Oh, I look forward to reading that.
Drake: Well, thank you very much.
Paige: Why aren't any of these credits more than a year long?
Drake: Simple really. Before that I was a demon.
Miss Donovan: What? A demon?
Drake: Was a demon. Now human.
Paige: Okay, and how exactly did that happen?
Drake: Personally, I hate exposition, but if... All right. Fifty weeks ago I made a deal, the Sorcerer made me human.
Paige: Just like that?
Drake: There were a few minor stipulations. First of all, I get to keep my powers, and if I use them in any offensive manner, he gets them, and I burn for all eternity.
Miss Donovan: What are you waiting for? Vanquish him!
Drake: Vanq... Lady. Vanquish. I just want a chance to make up for my demon days. If you don't believe me, research me, look into my history. I've got almost nothing to hide.
Miss Donovan: We'll see about that.
Paige: Miss Donovan, where are you going?
Miss Donovan: To prove that he's dangerous.
(Miss Donovan leaves the room.)
Drake: If that is safety, then I am dangerous. Boy, is she gonna be sorry when I get the job.
Paige: Not so fast, Mr. Pompadour Motorcycle Guy. I don't know what to make of you.
Drake: Why don't we consult the Book of Shadows? Want a ride?
[Scene: P3. Piper and Leo are there. Piper slaps a cardboard heart onto the wall.]
Piper: Okay, next.
Leo: That one's ripped.
Piper: So? The crowd will be too. Actually, this is taking far too long. Where's my staple gun?
Leo: Staple gun? Since when do you staple decorations? Don't you want everything to be perfect?
Piper: What's the point? It's all gonna be torn down tomorrow anyway.
Leo: The point is not to worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow. The point is to stop and enjoy Valentine's Day.
Piper: Well, some people can't forget. Some people would rather see the rips and the flaws so that they're not totally devastated when they're all torn down suddenly tomorrow.
Leo: We're not talking about decorations anymore, are we?
Piper: Look, Leo, I'm sorry, but I can't just stand here and pretend like everything is not falling apart again. We both know the Elders are not gonna be easy on you.
Leo: When you change the world, you gotta expect consequences.
Piper: Says who? The Elders brought this on themselves. It's just as much their fault as it is ours, maybe even more so.
Leo: Well, I'm the one that chose to become an Avatar. I betrayed them.
Piper: Because they drove you to it, with Gideon, what he did to Chris and what he tried to do to Wyatt.
Leo: I don't think they'll see it that way.
Piper: You need to make them see it that way, or else this may be the last Valentine's Day we spend together.
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. A Sorcerer and a bounty hunter are there.]
Sorcerer: Your leads are worthless, bounty hunter!
Bounty Hunter: I'm not the one who lost Drake in the first place. That was you, Sorcerer.
Sorcerer: Well, I never dreamt I'd need to keep tabs on him. By now, I thought he would have used his powers for sure.
Bounty Hunter: And yet he hasn't.
Sorcerer: He's stronger than I thought, which is why you must find him so I can force him to give in to temptation.
Bounty Hunter: But we are running out of time.
Sorcerer: In more ways than one, Mr. Rathbone. Zankou is moving in to take over the Underworld. If I expect to stop him and to seize the throne for myself, I must have Drake's powers! I'll double the bounty, but find him.
(Three demons walk in. Two of the demons are holding onto Miss Donovan and she is struggling to get away.)
Demon: Sir, excuse me, sir. We have a new lead.
Bounty Hunter: A woman? You call that a lead?
Demon: We caught her in the Underworld asking about Drake. She may know where he is.
Sorcerer: Ah, is that so?
Miss Donovan: I don't know anything. Let me go!
(The Sorcerer holds up a knife.)
Sorcerer: Think harder, my dear.
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Wyatt and Chris are there. Phoebe is on the phone.]
Phoebe: No, you can not put me on hold again. When are you gonna send me a refund for my phone bill? What do you mean, never? Look, this is... You know what? Forget it. I have call waiting anyway, which you're probably overcharging me for, right? (She presses a button.) Hello?
Darryl: Hey, Phoebe, it's Darryl.
Phoebe: Darryl, shouldn't you be out arresting that thief John Normand? Did you read the paper today? It says that...
Darryl: We got bigger things to worry about. Sheridan's back.
Phoebe: What? Oh, no. Any more good news?
Darryl: Your friend Brody came to visit me last night and told me that he brought her out of the coma. Didn't you say he died?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I never said it stuck. He became a Whitelighter.
Darryl: The point is he did some mumbo jumbo on her where she doesn't remember anything that happened.
Phoebe: Well, does she remember us?
Darryl: I don't know yet. He told me to tell her that they went on some undercover mission and that he died and she wound up in a coma. Just how long do you expect her to buy that?
Phoebe: I don't know. But as long as we don't trigger her memory, we should be fine.
Darryl: What do you mean, trigger?
Phoebe: Her memory could come back is she's reminded of us. You have to keep her away from us.
Paige's Voice: Phoebe, I need you upstairs.
Phoebe: Okay. Coming! Darryl, I'm sorry, I gotta go. You'll have to deal with this like the rest of us.
(Phoebe hangs up.)
[Cut to the Police Station.]
Darryl: Phoebe...
(Darryl turns around and Sheridan is standing there.)
Sheridan: Phoebe. Do I know her?
Darryl: I don't know. Do you?
[Cut to the Manor. Attic. Paige is there with Drake. She is flipping through the Book of Shadows.]
Drake: See? Right there. You have nothing to fear.
Paige: What are you talking about? It says that you have the power to fire a thermal blast that can knock out ten demons at a time.
Drake: Yeah, but I told you. If I use them, then the Sorcerer gets them, and that would be bad. It also says that I can be vanquished by the Power of Three. Hello. See? Right there. (He touches the Book.) What?
Paige: You touched it.
Drake: What?
Paige: You touched the Book.
Drake: Oh my god, so I did. I guess that means I'm good.
(He touches the Book again.)
Paige: Stop it. Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. The Book has been tricked before. So have we. Just recently, as a matter of fact.
Drake: All right, then, that explains it. So what did this mistake cost you? A colleague? A friend? A lover?
Paige: Actually, all of the above.
Drake: No wonder you're so indecisive.
Paige: I'm not indecisive. You think I'm indecisive?
Drake: Paige, making mistakes is what makes us human.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hey, sorry. I put the boys down for a nap. Who are you?
Drake: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Paige: Drake, Phoebe. Phoebe, Drake. Yeah. He's an ex-demon.
Phoebe: What? Excuse me?
Drake: I thought you guys had lots of experience with demons who were human. You married one, didn't you?
Phoebe: Yes, and divorced. How did you know that?
Drake: Gossip around the office cauldron. Anyway, the point is, girls, you don't know what it's like to be judged simply by the way you were born. (He clicks his fingers and suddenly he's wearing a French costume.) (in French accent) Look well at me and tell me with what hope this vile protuberance can inspire my heart?
(Phoebe laughs.)
Paige: He's very dramatic.
Phoebe: I see that. I don't know why Cyrano's here but he should probably leave because we have our own problems.
Drake: But, my dear Roxanne, feel'st thou my soul, here?
Phoebe: You know, then again, I don't have a date for Valentine's Day. He's kinda hot.
Paige: He's hot until you figure out how many people he's killed.
Drake: Wait a minute. I never killed anyone. (He clicks his fingers and returns to his normal clothes.) Except demons. Killed plenty of them.
Phoebe: Join the club. It sucks, doesn't it?
Paige: You're telling me in your whole demonic career, you have not killed one innocent?
Drake: That's because since the day I was hatched, I've been reading books, and they taught me about feelings, human feelings, love, sadness, death. Since then I could never harm an innocent. I always found a way around doing that.
Paige: (to Phoebe) What do you think?
Phoebe: I kind of believe him. You?
Paige: I don't know. I'm gonna ask Piper.
Drake: Come on, Paige, tell her I'm the right man for the job.
Phoebe: Job? What job?
Paige: Fill her in. I'll be back.
(Paige orbs out.)
Drake: So you like Gene Kelly movies?
Phoebe: Love 'em. Why?
[Scene: On top of Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is waiting there. Two Elders orb in.]
Leo: Thanks for coming.
Sandra: Of course. After all that's happened, it's the least we could do.
Kheel: Oh, please, don't apologise. If anything, we've been far too lenient with him.
Leo: Lenient? You tried to kill me.
Kheel: You left us no choice.
Leo: Funny, I feel the same way.
Sandra: Gentlemen, neither side is without blame. Perhaps we could put the past behind us.
Kheel: And we will... once he's done the penance for his betrayal.
Leo: That's why I brought you here. I should be able to defend myself before you issue judgment.
Kheel: Really? And what would you say?
Leo: That what I did was for my family. I was trying to create a better world for them, for all of us.
Kheel: Too bad you failed.
Sandra: Perhaps it would be best if Leo and I spoke alone, if you don't mind. (Kheel orbs out.) It hasn't been easy arguing on your behalf.
Leo: Thanks for trying.
Sandra: One word of advice, Leo. Stay out of magical affairs. Or you just might make things even worse for yourself.
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Drake is there dancing. Phoebe walks down the stairs.]
Phoebe: Wow, let me get this straight. You do musical theatre as well?
Drake: Oh, I'm full of surprises.
(He clicks his fingers and Phoebe is suddenly dressed in a white dress and black vest.)
Phoebe: What's this?
Drake: Another surprise. (He takes her hands and they start dancing.) Happy Valentines Day.
Phoebe: And to you.
(They lean in to kiss but Piper and Paige walk in and interrupts them.)
Piper: Get your paws off of her!
Drake: So much for romance.
Phoebe: Piper. (Phoebe giggles.) We were just having fun. You know, fun.
Piper: With the demon? Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress up with the demons.
Paige: I'm sure it's harmless.
Drake: Incidentally, Piper, I am an ex-demon.
Piper: Look, buddy, we're not gonna let a demon or an ex-demon teach at Magic School. It's ridiculous.
Paige: Maybe you're right. Drake, I'm really sorry. It's just not a real feasible thing for you to do. It could cause too many problems.
Drake: Oh, no, you're making a terrible mistake. As an ex-demon, I can get through to these kids, I can keep them from going down the path of evil. Phoebe, talk to them, make them see reason.
Phoebe: I can't. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it just... it's not really practical. I'm sorry.
Drake: This is all wrong. The problem here isn't me. It's you three. You're shaken by the core by what's happened with the Avatars. (to Paige) You, you just lost faith in yourself, (to Phoebe) and you, you've been disheartened by the fight. (to Piper) And you, sweetheart, are just plain mean.
(Piper laughs.)
Piper: Watch it.
(Paige giggles.)
Drake: You're mean because you closed down your heart. You're petrified it's gonna get broken again, aren't you? You know, there's only one man I know who can solve all of these problems. (He clicks his fingers and Piper and Paige are suddenly dressed in leather, Phoebe is dressed in a white gown with long red hair, and Drake is dressed as Robin Hood.) Well, come on, Robin Hood.
Paige: You, I'm gonna hire you just so I can fire you.
Piper: Do we look merry to you?
Drake: Well, perhaps you should see the world as Robin Hood would have. He believed in himself, also loved the thrill of the fight. And despite the threat of imminent death, he found love with his dear Maid Marian.
(He kisses Phoebe's hand.)
Phoebe: That's very sweet. Isn't that... You should probably change us back.
Drake: Very well.
(Drake clicks his fingers and they change back to their normal clothes.)
Piper: Kitchen, now, let's go.
(The girls head for the kitchen.)
Phoebe: (to Drake) You just give me one second.
(The Sorcerer shimmers in behind Drake.)
Drake: I thought they'd never leave.
[Cut to the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Vanquish him? Are you sure?
Piper: Well, if he doesn't leave, we don't have a choice.
Phoebe: But his heart is in the right place.
[Cut back to the parlor.]
Sorcerer: Now, let's see those powers, demon.
[Cut to the kitchen.]
Paige: On the other hand, he still has his demonic powers.
Piper: Hi, waffle much?
(They hear a crash from the other room.)
[Cut to the parlor. Drake falls to the floor. The Sorcerer is standing over him with his arms outstretched. Drake is glowing red.]
Sorcerer: "Darkness within cannot be undone. Embrace your true self."
(Piper, Phoebe and Paige run in.)
Piper: Here we go again.
(Piper tries to blow him up and he flies across the room and hits the wall.)
Sorcerer: Damn it!
(He shimmers out.)
Phoebe: Drake. Are you okay?
(She runs over to him.)
Drake: Drake? Who's Drake? I'm Robin... of Locksley.
Paige: Of course you are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Dining Room. Drake jumps around the corner wielding a bow and arrow.]
Drake: Stand and deliver! (He aims for an apple but the arrow misses and hits a pillow.) Excellent. (He reaches for another arrow. Piper walks in.) John will be no match for me.
Piper: Robin, you missed. And if you put a hole in my wall, you'll have me to answer to, not some prince.
Drake: My apologies, my good woman, but my aim must be true if I am to right John's wrongs.
Piper: Right. Just be careful. (Piper walks into the conservatory where Phoebe and Paige are sitting at a table. Phoebe is flipping through the Book of Shadows.) Please tell me you found a way to fix Robin in there.
Phoebe: Not yet. Can't you just freeze him?
Piper: Nope. Not freezing.
Paige: I'm sorry, you guys. Another big mistake bringing him here.
Phoebe: No, it's just our lives. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Paige: Yeah, but I don't understand why it went wrong. Why does the Sorcerer want to turn Drake into Robin Hood, of all things?
Piper: I don't think he meant to. I think he meant to bring out Drake's inner demon so he could use his powers. But then I blasted him mid-spell, so instead we got his inner Robin Hood.
Drake: Royal hound! (He shoots another arrow and it smashes a vase of flowers.) Sorry, my fault.
Paige: Another mistake for the Charmed Ones.
Piper: It was an accident.
Paige: Either way, we messed up.
Phoebe: Okay. I found a vanquishing potion for the Sorcerer, but of course, there's no way to find him.
Paige: How is finding the Sorcerer even gonna fix Drake anyway?
Piper: Actually, I think it will because, if we vanquish the Sorcerer, then it should reverse his magic.
Drake: Saxon dog!
Paige: Okay, well, I'll go to the Magic School, and I'll ask Miss Donovan to look through things and see if she can find something that helps us find the Sorcerer.
Phoebe: Or you could just do it yourself.
Paige: Yeah, well, I don't know the archives that well. And, knowing me, I'd probably mess up.
(Paige orbs out.)
Phoebe: What are we gonna do with her?
Piper: We'll fix her later. Right now, we need to deal with him.
(They hear a crash and Drake slides along the dining room table. He picks up a sheet of paper.)
Phoebe: What is he doing with my phone bill?
(They rush over to him.)
Drake: Marian, these taxes are outrageous. Prince John has gone too far.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm not Marian, I'm Phoebe, remember? And give me that!
(She snatches the phone bill off him.)
Piper: Prince John has been dead for centuries. He's not taxing anyone anymore.
Phoebe: Yeah. The phone company is owned by a different John, and he's, well, a really swell guy.
Drake: Nonsense. The evidence of his misdeeds is right there on the parchment.
(He points to the newspaper.)
Piper: You left that out?
Phoebe: Who knew?
Drake: I think it's high time I paid John a visit. My steed! (He clicks his fingers and a motorbike appears.) Horsepower.
Piper: What kind of Robin Hood rides a motorcycle?
Phoebe: Forget that. What are we gonna do? We can't just let him go out there. Especially not with Sheridan back.
Piper: Sheridan's back?
Phoebe: Did I forget to mention that?
Piper: Go with him.
Phoebe: What?
Piper: You're the Marian person. Go with him.
Phoebe: Robin, wait. (Phoebe sits on the bike behind Drake.) Here we go. (He hands her his bow.) Oh, okay.
Piper: Helmets please, people.
(Helmets suddenly appear on their heads.)
Drake: Hold on, milady.
(The front doors fly open and they ride out of the manor.)
[Cut to outside a building. Drake and Phoebe pull up on the motorbike.]
Phoebe: Okay, well, no Prince John here. We should probably go home, huh?
Drake: And give up without a fight? I think not. Those riches belong to the people of Sherwood Forest. We must see they're returned.
Phoebe: I know. But we can't just steal from the rich and give to the poor. There's laws against that.
Drake: Marian, have you forgotten what it is to do good?
(They walk inside the building. There is a long line of people waiting inside. Drake walks past the line of people.)
Man: Hey, that guy's cutting.
(A man stops Drake.)
Man #2: Hey, hey, Pocahontas. There's a line.
Drake: Little John. You came to join our merry band. Excellent.
Man #2: Who are you calling little?
Office Manager: Excuse me.
Man #2: You want to fight me? Is that it?
(Phoebe rushes up to them.)
Phoebe: No, no, no, no. No, Robin.
Drake: You've put on a bit of girth.
Office Manager: Excuse me. I'm the office manager here. Is there a problem?
Man #2: This nutjob's trying to butt in line.
Phoebe: He doesn't know any better.
(Drake walks up to the office manager and grabs him by his tie.)
Drake: You will tell me where Prince John is.
Office Manager: Who?
Drake: Prince John.
Phoebe: Okay, we don't want to kill the peasants. That's not what we do.
Drake: He is no peasant. He's an accomplice to the prince's thievery.
Office Manager: What? I didn't steal anything.
Man #2: The hell you didn't. I read the paper. I know you've been screwing us. Thanks to you, I can't afford to take my wife out for Valentine's Day.
Woman: That's nothing. They cut off my phone service for no reason. And now they want to charge me to re-connect it.
Man #3: What about their lousy technicians? I wasted a day of work waiting on them.
Man #2: See, you're making all our lives miserable. Kick his ass, Robin!
Phoebe: No, just tell him where John Normand is. That's all he wants to know.
Office Manager: Headquarters, financial district.
Phoebe: Great, we'll find it. Come on.
Office Manager: Just don't tell him I sent you.
(Phoebe leaves.)
Drake: Good people of Sherwood, the prince has abused his power for far too long. He lives in riches while you live in squalor.
Man #2: Yeah!
Drake: It is high time we take back that which was stolen from you. All of those who wish to join my fight, you follow me!
Everyone: Yeah!
[Cut to outside. A security guard is standing near a Armored Services truck holding up a gun. Suddenly an arrow flies through the air and knocks the gun out of his hand. Drake walks out of the building pointing the bow and arrow.]
Drake: Stand down if you know what's good for you.
(Drake goes over to the Armored Services truck. Phoebe walks out of the building.)
Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing?
Drake: Marian, you're just in time. To the end of Prince John's tyranny!
(He grabs some money out of the truck and throws it into the air. Everyone runs to try catch it.)
Phoebe: You can't do this!
Drake: Look what the prince has done to these people. How can you turn a blind eye to that? Or has your heart really grown that cold? Fill your hearts and fill your bellies!
(Sirens are heard.)
Phoebe: The police are coming. We gotta go. Let's go. (She pushes through the crowd.) Excuse me.
(The Sorcerer is watching near by.)
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Miss Donovan is shackled to the wall. Her astral projected self is trying to unlock the shackles. The Sorcerer stands behind her, watching.]
Miss Donovan: Oh, please. Please...
Sorcerer: So you can astral project. That could come in very handy later. (He pokes her and she astral projects back into her body.) Morning, sunshine.
Miss Donovan: What do you want with me?
Sorcerer: I'm afraid I couldn't bring the demon out of Drake as I'd planned. I was interrupted by the Charmed Ones.
Miss Donovan: Then they'll probably come for you.
Sorcerer: Which is why I need you to serve as a distraction when the time is right.
Miss Donovan: Oh, why did I ever come down here? I should have stayed in the library.
Sorcerer: The library? Well, then you are indeed a prize.
Miss Donovan: Why? What do you mean?
Sorcerer: The witches' interference made my spell go awry. Drake is unstable now, and I need to use this to my advantage. So tell me... what do you know about Robin Hood?
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is making a potion and on the phone.]
Piper: No, Phoebe, you can't take him to John Normand's office. That is a very bad idea. You have to bring him back here. I said you have to bring him back here! Phoebe. Phoebe! Damn it. (She hangs up. Leo walks in.) Do I really need this today? Or ever?
Leo: Relax. You can handle it.
Piper: This coming from the man who refuses to help.
Leo: I told you, I'm afraid that I'm gonna piss off the Elders, and they can recycle me, Piper. You don't want that, do you?
Piper: No, of course not. But it's just, we were this close to a life without Elders, without demons, without freaking Robin Hood running through the streets, threatening to expose us.
Leo: I know, but this is the life that we have now, and have to make the best out of it, okay? So relax, you can handle it, just like you've done before.
Piper: Thank you, and don't remind me.
(Paige orbs in.)
Paige: Have you guys seen the news?
Piper: No. Weren't you at Magic School?
Paige: Yeah! We have satellite.
(Paige turns on the TV in the kitchen.)
News Reporter: He apparently threw the stolen cash into the crowd, inciting a near riot. Police have launched a search for the man who bystanders described as a modern-day Robin Hood.
(Paige turns off the TV.)
Piper: Still think I can handle this one?
Leo: Just like the good old days.
Piper: Bite your tongue.
Paige: Okay, you know what? I should go warn Darryl. Because the cops have no idea what they're up against.
Piper: No, no, no. Wait. I need you to write a vanquishing spell.
Paige: Why? You have the potion.
Piper: Not for the Sorcerer, for Drake.
Paige: For Drake? Really?
Piper: We need to be able to stop him. And this may be the only way. Leo, can you warn Darryl?
Leo: What about the Elders?
Piper: Oh, for God's sake. I don't think they'll strike you down for making a phone call.
Leo: Right.
Paige: You know what? I found a spell at Magic School and it should be able to summon the Sorcerer. That way we don't have to vanquish Drake.
Piper: You mean Miss Donovan found it?
Paige: No. I found it. Come to think of it, I haven't actually seen Miss Donovan in a little while. Look, anyway, the point is, with my spell, we can summon the Sorcerer. With your potion we can vanquish him and that kind of fixes the whole Drake thing, yeah?
Piper: Maybe, but if that doesn't work, we need a plan B. We've gotta stop Drake somehow.
Paige: Well, I guess it can't hurt.
Piper: Exactly. The last thing we need is another news report like that one.
[Scene: Police Station. Darryl is on the phone.]
Darryl: He's a what?
Leo: An ex-demon. But he still has powers, so be careful. You don't want the cops to provoke him too much. He could take out half the force.
Darryl: If Sheridan finds out, that could be a trigger.
Leo: Sorry?
Darryl: For her memory. If she remembers she was after them, then she'll be all over us again.
Leo: Oh, then, you can't let her find out.
Darryl: Thanks for the tip, Leo.
(Darryl hangs up. He grabs his coat. Sheridan walks up to him.)
Sheridan: Good news, lieutenant. The captain wants us to work together. So where are we going, partner?
[Scene: Street. Phoebe and Drake are there. They cross the road in front of a cab. He slams on his breaks.]
Cab Driver: Hey, what's the matter with you, moron!
Phoebe: So we're just gonna talk to the guy, right? We're not actually gonna kill him.
Drake: No, of course not. As long as he promises to give back every last penny.
Phoebe: What do you mean, every last penny? Look, I don't think this is a good idea.
Drake: Marian, you've come so far. You must be strong enough to finish the fight, for those who cannot fight for themselves. Do not let all we've done be for naught.
(They hear a siren. Darryl and Sheridan pull up.)
Phoebe: Darryl.
Drake: The sheriff of Nottingham. It's about time he arrived.
Sheridan: Freeze!
(She points her gun. Drake shoots an arrow at her and it hits her in the arm.)
Phoebe: Sheridan!
(Phoebe runs over to her.)
Drake: Marian! Marian!
Phoebe: Oh my god. Are you okay?
(Sheridan grabs Phoebe.)
Sheridan: Yeah, I'm fine. But you're under arrest. (to Darryl) Where's the other one?
Darryl: He got away.
[Cut to inside a building. Office. John Normand is there. Drake kicks open the door.]
Drake: Prince John! We meet at last.
John: What the hell is this?
(Drake points his bow and arrow at John.)
Drake: The end of your reign.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: John Normand's Office. Continued from before.]
John: You'll never make it out of here, you know that. I mean, the cops will have you inside of two minutes.
Drake: You need not worry about me, sire.
John: What exactly do you want from me? Did my ex-wife send you?
Drake: I'm here to rob you.
John: Of course. Well, in that case, we'd better get right to it, and you can be on your merry way. Now, who should I make this out to?
Drake: You will return all that you have stolen to every last person in your domain.
John: But I have millions of customers.
Drake: Then I suggest you get started.
[Cut to outside. Police cars have pulled up. Darryl is talking on a walkie talkie.]
Darryl: Hold your position, and nobody make a move unless I say so. (He walks over to Phoebe and Sheridan. Sheridan is holding a cloth up to her arm.) You should really get that wound checked.
Sheridan: No, thanks. I've missed enough. Miss Halliwell here was just telling me a very interested story.
Phoebe: Wait, you don't believe me?
Sheridan: I think it's a little far-fetched, don't you think? You get kidnapped by Robin Hood, forced to go on a crime spree, only to be saved in the end by us. That's a nice touch.
Darryl: Let her go, Sheridan. She's a friend.
Phoebe: Hey, you know what? Sheridan, I'm a good person. And I really think that I can help you out in this situation if you'd just let me.
Darryl: Do you really think you can?
Phoebe: Yeah, I do. He and I have a connection. He's a little messed up right now, but I really think I could break through to him. But I gotta talk to him.
Sheridan: That's completely out of the question. It's dangerous, and it breaks procedure.
Phoebe: You know what? He's dangerous. You have no idea what he's capable of.
Man's Voice: (on walkie talkie) Lieutenant, we're in position. We've got a clear shot.
Darryl: Hold your fire. (to Sheridan) She's going in.
Sheridan: What? Morris...
Darryl: That's an order, inspector.
Phoebe: Thank you, Darryl.
(Sheridan uncuffs Phoebe and Phoebe runs off.)
Sheridan: You know, there's something oddly familiar about all this.
Darryl: You should get that wound checked.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are sitting around a table. There are five lit candles on the table.]
Paige: "Sorcerer of darkness, demon of fright, I call you now into my sight." (Nothing happens.) Maybe I can just try it again.
Piper: No, Paige, you've tried three times. It's not working. He must be protecting himself somehow.
Paige: I could have copied it down wrong.
Piper: Paige, it's not your first day as a witch. It's just... We're running out of options. You saw the news. I think it's time we go to plan B.
Paige: I think getting rid of him would be a big mistake.
Piper: So would letting an innocent die. Look, if you're not gonna trust yourself, at least trust me because it's certainly not my first day.
(Miss Donovan astral projects in.)
Miss Donovan: Paige.
Paige: Miss Donovan! Why are you astral projecting?
Miss Donovan: Later. I don't have time. The Sorcerer took me prisoner.
Piper: What?
Miss Donovan: I swear, I was just trying to check out Drake. It turns out he's not so bad. It was the Sorcerer that I should have been worried about.
Paige: It's okay, we know all about it. Don't panic. Now that we know where you are, we can scry for you and get you out of there and just vanquish him.
Miss Donovan: Oh, thank you. Now I gotta go.
(She astral projects out.)
Piper: Looks like Drake just got a reprieve.
[Cut to the Underworld. Cave. The Sorcerer is watching the attic through a crystal ball.]
Sorcerer: Well played, my dear.
Miss Donovan: I wish I could have told them what you were planning.
Sorcerer: If you had, you'd be dead by now. At least now, you'll live a touch longer than the Charmed Ones will. You see, thanks to your message, they're not focused on saving you. Too bad my lair is protected against summoning and scrying.
Miss Donovan: It won't take them long to figure it out.
Sorcerer: But by then I'll have Drake's powers.
Miss Donovan: How can you be so sure?
Sorcerer: Well, you see, once a demon, always a demon. I just need to remind Drake of that, by casting a spell on Prince John.
[Scene: John Normand's Office. John is writing out checks.]
John: Come on, you cannot expect me to write all these checks.
(Phoebe comes in. Drake points his bow and arrow at her.)
Phoebe: Oh, Robin, don't shoot! It's me, your Marian.
Drake: Milady, how did you elude the sheriff?
Phoebe: Oh, me and the sheriff go way back. Now listen. Don't you think it's time we let the prince go? I'm sure he's learned his lesson by now, haven't you, John?
John: Oh, oh, yeah. I'm... I'm heartbroken here, man. I didn't realise what I was doing to those poor people. Thank you, Robin. You have really shown me the error of my ways. I swear, I am going to change.
Phoebe: See? That's great, that's great. I know you don't want to hurt him.
Drake: What about the money? He can't be trusted.
Phoebe: Well, if you can't trust him, then trust me. Look, today you reminded me what it's like to do good, to make a difference and to help people. Now let me help you. Come with me, before you do something you'll regret.
Drake: Sorry.
(John briefly glows red.)
John: Oh, I cannot believe that you actually fell for that.
Drake: What?
John: Oh, really. Do you think I give a rat's ass about some poor schmo who's too stupid to know he's been suckered? There's no way in hell I'm giving this money back.
Phoebe: Oh, no, the Sorcerer.
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Piper is scrying.]
Leo: I don't think Darryl can hold off the cops any longer. You're running out of time.
Piper: What would you like me to do? The crystal's not dropping.
Paige: This isn't right. We're being played.
Piper: Come on, Paige, you're not gonna do any of us any good by waffling now.
Paige: I'm not waffling. Look. Fine, I admit, okay. I've been out of it since the whole thing with the Avatars and with Kyle. But I can't keep beating myself up over the mistakes that we've made. I have to move on. I think we all do.
Piper: I'm not sure it's that easy.
Paige: Maybe not but I have to try, right? Drake said that I have to start trusting my instincts again. Otherwise, I'm not gonna be able to help him or Miss Donovan or anybody.
Leo: So what are your instincts telling you?
Paige: That Miss Donovan's just a distraction. Otherwise, we would have found her by now.
Piper: Okay, say you're right. So you think the Sorcerer is after Drake?
Paige: He wants his powers, doesn't he? Drake's bound to use those at some point or another.
[Scene: John Normand's Office. Drake has his bow and arrow pointed at John.]
Drake: You will give the money back.
John: Or what? You're gonna shoot me with an arrow? Come on. I'm evil. You can do better than that.
Phoebe: Don't listen to him. He's under a spell.
John: You gotta punish me, destroy me, or I'll keep doing evil. And I don't give a damn who gets hurt. Single mums, old people, kids, even your little maid here!
(Drake throws down the bow and arrow.)
Drake: She's not my maid!
(Drake throws fireballs at John and he is knocked through the window. John grabs onto the window sill and hangs onto it from the outside of the building.)
Darryl: (from the street) My god.
John: Help me, please.
(Phoebe grabs John's arm and tries to pull him up.)
Phoebe: I gotcha. I gotcha.
(Drake turns back to his normal self. The Sorcerer appears in the chair.)
Sorcerer: Hello.
[Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Leo sees the news on the TV.]
Leo: Looks like your instincts were right.
News Reporter: (on TV) We believe that John Normand is being hurled out of that window by some...
Paige: Just wish I trusted them sooner.
[Cut to John Normand's Office.]
Sorcerer: A deal is a deal. (The Sorcerer holds out his hands and Drake glows red. The Sorcerer absorbs Drake's powers.) You, off to purgatory, my boy. (Drake is engulfed in flames. Piper and Paige orb in. Drake disappears.) Well, what are you waiting for? Come and get me.
(He shimmers out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Leo is there with Wyatt and Chris.]
News Reporter: (on TV) This was the scene of chaos, just minutes ago when the man known as Robin Hood detonated what appears to have been a homemade bomb. Fortunately, billionaire John Normand escaped injury with the aide of local advice columnist Phoebe Halliwell.
(Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.)
Phoebe: Piper, we don't have a choice. We have to go after the Sorcerer.
Piper: I realise that, but he knows we're coming. He'll set a trap for us.
Leo: What happened? The news said Drake was missing.
Paige: No, actually, we lost him.
Phoebe: But if we vanquish the Sorcerer, we should be able to reverse the magic and get Drake out of purgatory.
Paige: Well, if we can use the vanquishing spell I wrote to get rid of Drake, then it should work on getting rid of the Sorcerer.
Piper: How can you be sure it'll work?
Paige: I trust my gut. Helped us find the Sorcerer, right?
Phoebe: And it was right about Drake. He is an innocent. We have to save him, otherwise everything he's done will have been for naught.
Piper: For naught?
Phoebe: The point is is we have to save Drake.
Piper: I don't know, I think Drake's caused enough trouble for one day.
Leo: I'll say. We'll be lucky if he doesn't trigger Sheridan's memory.
Piper: Not to mention Prince John and all the magic he saw.
Phoebe: Okay, John won't remember a thing. We can worry about Sheridan tomorrow.
Piper: You worry tomorrow. I'll worry today.
(Paige scrys for Miss Donovan. The crystal lands on a spot on the map.)
Paige: Found Miss Donovan. Probably the Sorcerer too.
Piper: See? Wasn't that a little too easy? I'm telling you, it's a trap.
Phoebe: Maybe we should start thinking more like Robin Hood.
Piper: Excuse me?
[Scene: Underworld. The Sorcerer's Lair. The Sorcerer and Miss Donovan are there.]
Sorcerer: It won't be long now. I've lowered the cave's protections, which means the Charmed Ones are on their way.
Miss Donovan: To vanquish you, I'm sure.
Sorcerer: Oh, I'm sure they'll try. But we're on my turf now. And they'll be no match for my new powers.
(Another Miss Donovan appears in the room.)
Miss Donovan #2: I'm not so sure about that.
Sorcerer: Well, well, well. I'll give you this much. You're getting better at that. You don't even need to be asleep anymore.
Miss Donovan: I'm a fast learner.
Miss Donovan #2: Me too.
Sorcerer: Well, that's wonderful, but I don't think I have time for this right now.
(A third Miss Donovan astral projects in the room.)
Miss Donovan #3: You should make time.
Sorcerer: What the hell?
Miss Donovan #3: Because you never know...
(Another Miss Donovan appears in the room.)
Miss Donovan #4: It's true. You never know when your time is up.
Sorcerer: The Charmed Ones.
Miss Donovan #4: "Evil blast we cannot use."
(The three extra Miss Donovan's change into Piper, Phoebe and Paige.)
Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "The power of three now lights the fuse."
(The Sorcerer is engulfed in flames. He screams and disappears.)
Piper: Nicely done.
Paige: What about Drake?
(Drake appears.)
Drake: Ow, that's hot! That's not gonna...
Phoebe: Drake.
Drake: You saved me?
Phoebe: Of course. What would you expect from Maid Marian?
Paige: And your Merry Men.
Piper: Women.
Miss Donovan: Excuse me? Do you mind?
(Paige goes over to Miss Donovan.)
Phoebe: That was interesting, huh?
Piper: I guess. I just can't believe we're back in the Underworld, back vanquishing demons again.
(Paige is having trouble getting the chains off Miss Donovan.)
Drake: I don't know. After all, it is pretty romantic, isn't it?
Piper: You've gotta be kidding.
Drake: No, not at all. (Drake clicks his fingers and Miss Donovan is freed from the chains.) Most of the world's greatest lovers were brought together during a time of epic conflict. Most of them were doomed, but they did find the romance in it. So why can't you?
[Scene: Police Station. Darryl and Sheridan are there. Sheridan is looking at the front page of the paper. It reads "Ask Phoebe A Hero".]
Sheridan: Hey. Thought you might want to see this.
Darryl: A hero. Now, aren't you glad you didn't arrest her?
Sheridan: Oh, I don't know. She didn't help us get the guy.
Darryl: She didn't promise to. She promised to help.
Sheridan: Yeah, but still, don't you think it's just a little weird? I mean, she goes inside, the perp gets away, but yet there's no trail to follow, no leads. I mean, it's almost as though he just disappeared.
Darryl: We'll get him. Good night, Sheridan.
[Scene: Magic School. Paige walks into the library. Drake is there wearing suit.]
Paige: Oh, you look great in all your teacher-ness.
Drake: Oh, that little old thing?
Paige: Okay, well, I've brought you your class schedule and your student roster. And I have assigned you a TA. Miss Donovan.
Drake: She's not sore for being passed over?
Paige: She got freaked out by what happened. She did want to run back to the library, but I've talked her into helping you out in the class.
Drake: I guess it's all for the best. Someone's gotta take over.
Paige: What, are you planning on being absent a lot?
Drake: In case it doesn't work out. We agreed it would be temporary at first. You may change your mind in a couple of weeks. I may need to move on.
Paige: I will not change my mind, trust me. Anybody who can get though the thick skulls of my lovely sisters and I can definitely get though to those kids.
Drake: Even though I'm a little crazy?
Paige: Because you are a lot crazy. No, look, Magic School's protected. It's okay. Give it your best shot.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hey.
Drake: Hey.
Phoebe: I just came by to see the new professor.
Paige: All right, well, I promised Piper and Leo that I'd babysit for them tonight. They're going out celebrating Valentine's Day.
Drake: Finding a little romance?
Paige: Thanks to you, yeah.
Drake: Oh, I'm not done yet.
Phoebe: Really?
Paige: Okay, well, great, awkward moment for me. So I'll be going. There's a night class in five minutes. Don't forget.
(Paige leaves.)
Phoebe: So I thought you'd like to see tomorrow's newspaper. (She hands him the paper.) Looks like Prince John is gonna give back everything he stole. Guess he just needed to be reminded of his mortality.
Drake: Works every time. Phoebe, there's something I have to tell you. The deal I made that made me human, that only lasts a year. At the end of it, I gotta die.
(Phoebe giggles.)
Phoebe: What...? Are you kidding?
Drake: No. Uh-uh. But listen, it was well worth the sacrifice. Now all I want to do is pass on what I've learned about literature, about life and about love.
Phoebe: How long do you have?
Drake: Two weeks.
Phoebe: I mean, can't we try to fix it?
Drake: You can't. And you know what? It's all good. See you.
(Drake walks away.)