"Be Careful What You Wish For"
CAST
Dawson: James Van Der Beek
Joey: Katie Holmes
Pacey: Joshua Jackson
Jen: Michelle Williams
Andie: Meredith Monroe
ALSO STARRING
Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes
Mitch: John Wesely Shipp
Bessie: Nina Repeta
Abby: Monica Kenna
*Dawson's room - Pacey walks in*
Pacey: Dawson, what's up? I came over as soon as I got your message.
Dawson: I'm freaking out. *grabs clock*
Pacey: Why? What's the problem? *Dawson tosses the clock to Pacey*
Dawson: It's almost midnight.
Pacey: Yeah...it's your birthday. In a couple of minutes you're going to be 16. Congratulations, man, this is a major turning point.
Dawson: And I am eternally lost as a species on this planet.
Pacey: Oh, this is going to be bad...
Dawson: I'm about to be 16 in a matter of minutes and I'm still....me. The same whiny, adolescent, big-talking, small-doing loser that I was a year ago.
Pacey: C'mon, Dawson, that's not true.
Dawson: It's completely true! I mean, think about it. Every single person that I know is growing up and moving forward in some way. I mean, Joey is busy finding herself. You've got this whole stable, do-gooder, boyfriend thing. Jen is....not necessarily moving forward but at least she's moving. Even my parents are getting new lives! But me, I'm in the exact same place I was one year ago.
Pacey: Yeah, but you're turning 16, Dawson. Rejoice. This is a good thing. You're getting older.
Dawson: But there doesn't seem to be anything ahead of me. More of the same. I'm stagnet. No wonder Joey dumped me. I mean, the only thing I accomplished last year was realizing my feelings for her and I couldn't even hold on to her. She dumped me. For a gay guy. *laughs* Can we talk about this whole gay-man-straight-woman thing? There's got to be something going on there that we're not seeing.
Pacey: You're right, Dawson. It's all part of the evil gay plan to keep the species from repopulating.
Dawson: I would keep an eye on Andie if I were you.
Pacey: C'mon, Dawson. You need to stop looking to movies for all the answers to life's questions. Okay? What you need to do is figure out what it is in life that you want and make it happen! Okay? Be definitive!
Dawson: You're right. I need--I need definitive answers. Joey's the answer. I had her, I lost her, and now I'm going to get her back. How's that for definitive? *Dawson walks out his bedroom door and shuts it leaving Pacey in the room. Pacey sighs.* *Cut to Mitch cooking pancakes in the Leery house and Gail walks into the kitchen and is surprised to see him.*
Gail: Mitch?
Mitch: Hey! You remember my tradition of cooking Dawson breakfast on his birthday, right?
Gail: Well, of course, but I just thought that-- *Dawson walks in*
Dawson: Dad?
Mitch: You didn't think that I would forget, did you? The usual for our favorite customer.
Dawson: Thank you. It's nice to have a bit of tradition this morning.
Mitch: Um, speaking of which, I have to talk to your mom in private for a second. About birthday stuff, strictly confidential. *They walk out onto the porch.*
Mitch: Look, uh, I know we haven't discussed it...in the events of the past year, but we usually give joint birthday presents and I had an idea...
Gail: You know, you're a little late for this, Mitch, I already bought Dawson a present. I'm giving Dawson his first car tonight. An Explorer.
Mitch: Well, that's a big decision, Gail. Don't you think it's one we could of made together? *Cut to Dawson eating his breakfast looking out towards the door which was left open slightly and he can see his parents arguing. Gail says something about how she's paying everything, the bills, etc. Cut back out on the porch.*
Mitch: Look, I know that I should contribute more financially, but I put the restaurant plans on the back burner and I have looked into substituting at the high school. *Cut back to Dawson listening to them arguing. Cut to the Icehouse. Joey's sitting on the counter and Pacey is sitting on a stool next to her.*
Joey: Let's go over this one more time.
Pacey: Okay. I invite Dawson out to dinner with Andie and me tonight. I'll keep him occupied until about 9 o' clock, and which point, we'll make up some lame ass excuse about how we have to call it an early night. Then, we'll drive back to his house where...
Joey: I'll have set up the most fabulous surprise party ever. I hope.
Pacey: I'm sure it'll be fantastic. Testimonial to true friendship. The party to end all parties. From now on, the Leery house is going to be known as the Delta house of Capeside.
Joey: Thanks. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I've never organized a party before. *Jack walks in. Joey doesn't say anything to him. He notices and turns back around and leaves.*
Pacey: Listen, Joey, not to pry or anything, how are you doing? I mean, now that you've had time to process.
Joey: God. Everyone keeps asking me that in these solemn tones. Like I've just come down with some terminal disease. I mean, Jack's the one who's going through something. I mean, yeah, I admit, at first it was obviously a shock but I mean, I'm fine. Really. It's just... *Joey makes facial languages that convey that it's nothing. Cut to Jack, outside of the Icehouse by all the tables. Abby and two friends walk up.*
Abby: Jaaccckkk, are you serving lunch yet?
Jack: Um, yeah, in about 10 minutes. Hey, here's some menus you can look at in the meantime.
Abby: Great, we're completely starving.
Kelly: Aren't you that guy?
Jack: What?
Kelly: The first guy to ever come out of Capeside? He was the one who wrote the poem.
Jaycee: Oh my God! You're the gay guy!
Abby: In the flesh.
Jack: *uncomfortably* Yeah..
Abby: Jaycee, Kelly, this is Jack McPhee. Capeside's no longer ambiguous resident.
Kelly: You know, I think it's so great that you came out and you're only 16. You know, I totally watched Ellen through that whole tulmultuous year and, well, she didn't come out until she was, like, 40.
Jack: Um, can I get you guys something to drink while you're looking over those menus?
Jaycee: You know what I just realized? You're the first actual gay person that I've ever met.
Abby: It is such a total waste because I mean, you're a total babe.
Jack: You know, I'd take that as a compliment if it wasn't coming from Satan. *Jack walks off and Abby follows him*
Abby: Jack, you have got me all wrong. I am not even one of his helpers.
Jack: Well, then, I guess I should compliment you on that clever disguise you've been wearing for the last couple of months.
Abby: We got started off on the wrong foot. True, I may have been flawed in the past but, I mean, sometimes people can surprise you. You should know a little bit about that yourself. *Cut to Andie in therapy.*
Therapist: It sounds like you've had a lot on your shoulders for a 16-year-old girl.
Andie: Yeah, well, after Tim died and Mom, you know, it seemed like there needed to be someone to be the glue to hold the family together and I guess I was the most-likely candidate.
Therapist: Well, I'm not surprised that you started to feel a bit overwhelmed.
Andie: Yeah, um, I felt like I was juggling all these balls in the air, you know? And if I dropped one, they'd all come crashing down, and, um, then I'd start thinking about everything all at once and I'd get these panic attacks when my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe...
Therapist: Andie, Andie. Tell me something. Forget about saving everyone and even forget about your family for a minute. What is it that you want? What do you wish for? For yourself?
Andie: I wish I could get rid of all my worries. You know? And be one of those people who just sails right through life. You know? And they do what they want to do, whatever makes them happy and they don't care what other people think about them.
Therapist: Well, then, why couldn't you? I'm going to give you a prescription, Andie, but not for a drug. I prescribe for you one night of imperfection. *Cut to the Icehouse. Bessie hands Joey something.*
Bessie: Here. You can get out of here early. I'm sure you want to get changed before going to Dawson's.
Joey: Believe me, Bess. It's not going to take me very long to get dressed. It's not like I have to get all gussied up for anybody seeing as though I've turned Jack off from women completely.
Bessie: Joey, you know that's not true.
Joey: I know. It's not true. I mean, intellectually, I know that it has nothing to do with me. It's--Bessie? What am I supposed to do now?
Bessie: You paint. You concentrate on your art and yourself. I mean, you broke up with Dawson because you wanted to find yourself...and then you went straight into a relationship with Jack. Now's your chance to do what you set out to do. I mean, look. Any girl would be acting the way you do right now under the circumstances. I mean, I think you're handling it with an amazing level of maturity. *They hug. Dawson enters.*
Dawson: Joey, hey. I need to talk to you.
Joey: Sure... *Joey gets her coat and heads out of the Icehouse with him..*
Joey: What's up? *Cut to Ty putting ribbon on Dawson's present.*
Jen: Well, looks like you can add arts and crafts to your list of talents. *Ty laughs. Jen walks behind him by the sink and turns around and looks at him.*
Ty: I can feel that.
Jen: What?
Ty: You. Watching me. I mean, you think you're crafty, but I know. I can feel your eyes on me.
Jen: You can not.
Ty: Sometimes. Can't you?
Jen: Nah, I don't know. I've never really tried.
Ty: Close your eyes. *Jen closes her eyes and Ty looks at her.*
Ty: There. Can you feel me looking?
Jen: No. Not yet. *Ty leans in closer.*
Ty: Now?
Jen: No... *They kiss. They break apart and laugh.*
Jen: I was peeking.
Ty: Uh huh... *They start kissing again, Ty breaks away.*
Ty: Uh, morning? Kitchen...Grams. *Jen looks at him confused, kind of suspicious. Cut to Dawson and Joey walking along a pier.*
Joey: Oh, it's freezing out. I just wish it would snow already.
Dawson: I know.
Joey: Hey, remember what we used to do when we were kids?
Dawson: What? Make a wish on the first snowfall?
Joey: Uh huh. And it always came true. *They stop at a roasted peanut vendor*
Dawson: Two.
Joey: Well, except for the time we wished for a horse, a million dollars, and a trampoline all in the same year....I was greedy, what can I say? *They laugh. They pay for their peanuts.*
Joey: Thanks.
Vendor: Enjoy it. *They walk off.*
Dawson: Snow is just so...hopeful, you know?
Joey: Yeah. Hope is good. So...what are you hoping for?
Dawson: I'm hoping that we can get back to the way we were.
Joey: Me too. And I've been trying to get our friendship back on track--
Dawson: I'm not talking about just our friendship, Joey. Look, I can't deny the truth which is plainly and simply, I want more. I want you back.
Joey: (shaking her head) Dawson...
Dawson: I was so confused last night but then I realized that the only thing that makes sense in my life is you and I know that it's still there between us. I felt it during the whole Jack saga and I know that you feel it, too, because we're soulmates. Joey, you and I were meant to be. Period. The end. Cue happy ending music.
Joey: No...look, Dawson. Do you remember why we broke up in the first place? It wasn't about you at all and it certainly wasn't about Jack, it was about me. How I had things I needed to figure out.
Dawson: Things that you were willing to figure out with Jack but not with me.
Joey: No, Dawson! We can't talk about this, you know why.
Dawson: Joey! If you and me aren't meant to be together than I don't know anything. I wouldn't count on snow today. *He walks off. Cut to Joey, later that night, at the Leery house, stirring punch. Bessie walks in the kitchen.*
Joey: I can't believe I'm throwing a surprise party for someone who hates me right now.
Bessie: Just relax. I'm sure everything will work itself out. I mean, Dawson's out right now with Pacey, enjoying his birthday, by the time he gets here, he'll probably be in a great mood. *Cut to Dawson staring gloomily out of the window of the patrol car Pacey's driving. Andie's in the back seat.*
Andie: I have always wanted to sit in the backseat of a cop car. Hey! I know! Let's turn on the sirens!
Pacey: I don't think that's the best idea, Sweetie.
Andie: (making siren noises) Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Book 'em, Dann-o! So this is what it's like when they cart you off to prison, huh?
Dawson: Depends. There's different types. There's the state-regulated ones and then the ones that you're trapped in when your life is going nowhere and everyone else is moving forward.
Pacey: Took a happiness pill this morning, did we, Dawson?
Dawson: No, just a dose of bleak reality. No offense, but have you noticed my only birthday plans are to play third wheel to my friend and his girlfriend?
Pacey: Okay, listen, buddy, on any other day of the year, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about this, but since today's your birthday, why don't we try to concentrate on the positives, alright?
Andie: HEY! STOP THE CAR! *Pacey slams on the brakes.*
Pacey: What? What'd we hit?
Andie: Nothing. Just make a U-turn I saw a really cool place back there.
Pacey: Uh, Andie? Could we please keep this impulsive streak that you're trying to indulge tonight from killing everybody in this car? Please, honey?
Andie: Um, doctor's orders! 'Member, Pacey? You promised I could cut loose tonight.
Pacey: Yes...I did, didn't I? Okay. *Pacey backs the car into a parking lot and makes a U-turn. Cut to Jack outside of the Leery house fixing his new front-part-slicked-up-by-gel 'do. He enters the party and Abby and her friends are standing next to the door.*
Kelly: Oh my God! Jack...you look...amazing.
Abby: Wow. It's like a transformation from John-boy to John-John, all in a sharp, dippity-do.
Jack: It's no big deal. I put a little gel in my hair. That's pretty much the extent of it.
Abby: I guess when you get gay, you get style. I wish I would have nabbed you one sexual preference ago. *Jack just looks at her funny and walks off. Cut to Jen taking Dawson's presents into a room. Ty walks in behind her.*
Jen: Hello, Ty.
Ty: Excellent, you're learning.
Jen: Uh huh. *They kiss. Ty pulls away.*
Jen: Okay, explanation.
Ty: What?
Jen: First this morning and now? That's two kisses that you've bailed out on.
Ty: Okay, it's just that we've been getting closer, you know?
Jen: I know. It's called dating.
Ty: I realize that but when does it stop?
Jen: You're kidding, right?
Ty: Jen...you...you turn me on and the closer we get the more you turn me on.
Jen: Is that such a bad thing?
Ty: All I'm saying is that it's possible that things could get out of hand.
Jen: Really? How out of hand?
Ty: I'm serious.
Jen: We've barely made out and you're already worried about things going out of hand? Sweet...in a very 1956 sort-of way.
Ty: Yeah? Well, how 1956 is this? *They start kissing again. Cut to Andie, Dawson, and Pacey at a club. Andie slips off her coat revealing a red spaghetti-strap dress. Pacey notices.*
Pacey: Wo! Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?
Andie: She's been here all along. Just trapped beneath the bondage of Gap clothing and a good-girl complex.
Pacey: Well, the good-girl complex was part of your charm.
Andie: Part of my charm. Not all of it. Remember we're having fun? Besides, (missed name of therapist) said I need to let my 'it' out to breathe some fresh air for an evening.
Dawson: What exactly are you letting out for an evening?
Andie: It's what (therapist) calls your 'it'. It's the part of you that holds your purest impulses and desires. It doesn't care what anyone thinks. It just wants what it wants.
Dawson: And what do you think it wants?
Andie: Well, I think it's about letting go of all your pre-conceived notions of how you're supposed to talk or how you're supposed to behave and just letting loose for once.
Dawson: I could certainly learn something about letting loose. I mean, look at me. I'm sitting in a bar and I'm drinking a straight Coke. *Pacey raises an eyebrow.*
Andie: We could do it together if you want. I mean, it might be good for both of us to get a little...wild tonight.
Pacey: Try not to get to wild while I'm away at the washroom, alright? *Pacey walks off and the waitress comes to their table.*
Waitress: Can I get you guys anything else?
Andie: Yeah, um, I'll have another Coke and could you tell the bartender to put a little more rum in it this time?
Dawson: Yeah, me too, I could barely taste the rum in mine.
Waitress: Oh, sorry about that! I'll have him double up on the shots the next round to make up for it.
Dawson: Thank you. *She walks off.*
Andie: (excited) Ahhh! I've never drank before!!
Dawson: Never. *Andie excitedly turns back and watches the stage. Cut to Jack out on the porch. Abby comes out.*
Abby: So..how does it feel to be the one who set this little (missed word) on it's heels?
Jack: Why do you keep talking to me? I don't like you, Abby.
Abby: Well, that's because no one likes me. I'm an outcast. Welcome to the club. *Jack laughs and walks back towards the door to go inside.*
Abby: This whole thing is just ridiculous. There's no such thing as gay anyway. *Jack stops.*
Abby: It's just the name people came up with to persecute the normal inclination to go both ways.
Jack: What do you--What do you mean?
Abby: Well, we're all bisexual, don't you think? We're all just sexual animals under God. This pure atomical society would think our natural impulses are something to be ashamed of when it's really those kind-of attitudes that are the embarrassment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
*Cut to Pacey, Andie, and Dawson at the bar, Andie and Dawson are obviously drunk.*
Waitress: How are we doing?
Dawson: I think we're ready for another round.
Andie: Sounds good to me!
Waitress: Okay, two more coming right up. *She walks off.*
Pacey: How many Cokes are you guys going to swill tonight? *Dawson and Andie both shrug drunkedly.*
Employee: Well, alright, as you can probably tell, it's open mike night tonight so who wants to come up here and sing the blues for us?
Dawson: I know a little something about the blues.
Andie: Alright! C'mon, then! Let's go!
Pacey: Uhhhh...I don't think that's the best idea, don't you, sweetheart?
Andie: Sure it is! *Dawson and Andie walk up on stage.*
Pacey: Ohh boy... *On the stage.*
Dawson: Alright, boys, the blues! *The band starts playing the blues and Andie starts dancing and Dawson adjusts the mike and laughs. Then, he starts singing.*
Dawson: (singing) My name is Dawson Leery. I'm feeling kind of weary. Today is my birthday. You all look a little blurry. The girl I cared for, Left me and ran away, Straight into the arms of, A GUY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE GAY! I got the blues! Yeah! Today I woke up feeling like I was born to lose! Yeaaah I got the bluuuuueeesss. Somedays you're born to lose! (stops singing) Here's my friend Andie, she's going to sing you a song because she's got the blues!!!!
Andie: (singing) My name is Andie. And my brother's the one that's gay. My other brother died. And my daddy ran away! But I'm still Andie. And my boyfriend makes me randy His name is Pacey, AND MY MOM'S GONE COMPLETELY CRAZY!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah I've got the bluesssssssss!
Dawson: Sing it sister!
Andie: (singing) Sometimes you swear you were born to loooooosssssssseeeeeeee!
Dawson: (singing) Oh, we got the bluesss! Now it's time to put on my dancing shoes! Whoooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaahh! Alright! Oh, I've been restless, hopeless and confused, This girl that I told you about, She's been on the move, She's at my surrrrprise party where everyone I know is at right now, And when I show up late they're GONNA HAVE A COW! Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I got the bluuuuuuuueeeeeeeesssss! I swear sometimes we were born to lose!
Andie: No, brother man, WE got the blues.
Andie & Dawson: (singing) We got the bluuueeeessss!
Dawson: (singing) Sometimes you're, you were born to lose! Ohhhhh yeah. *Everybody claps. Andie and Dawson walk back to their table. Pacey gets up and gets Andie's coat.*
Pacey: Well, what do you say we end this evening on a high note and get off to that not-so surprise party.
Dawson: I think we're having a dirty, no-good time right here.
Andie: Hear, hear!!! *Pacey sits back down.*
Pacey: What's gotten into you two tonight?
Andie: Well, it's his birthday!
Dawson: That's right!
Andie: So what do you want to do next? *Pacey takes a drink of Andie's Coke.*
Pacey: So you guys have been drinking!
Dawson: Excuse me, waitress! Make it a double this time with just a splash of Coke. You know what, I think a splash is too much, make it just a spla. No shhhhhh at all.
Andie: No sh.
Waitress: Before I bring you anything else the bartender asked me to check your IDs.
Andie: *laughs* Check our IDs?! You should of done that, like, 5 drinks ago because you know what? We are 16 years old!! *Dawson laughs and puts his finger to his lips "shush"ing Andie.*
Andie: No, we are! And you know what? You, Little Missy, have just broken the law! You could lose your job over this! Not only could you lose your job but you guys could lose your liquor license! And, you know what, this is my boyfriend and his father is the town sheriff and how would--
Pacey: No, no. *He taps Dawson on the shoulder, who's been laughing this whole time, to get up.*
Pacey: Hey, she's kidding. It's a joke. It's a joke. *Pacey's dragging them out of the bar.*
Andie: No, I'm not! I have my ID right here. Wanna see it?
Pacey: Let's go. What were you thinking, huh? *Cut to the party. Mitch walks towards Gail by the punch bowl.*
Mitch: So I was out in the garage and I saw the Explorer. Very beautiful. A nice gift. Except I only thought that Dawson's first car would be more like the one I had when I was a boy. Like some old jalopy or something. Of course it's your decision.
Gail: It seems that most of the decisions that came with the marriage are mine these days, except, of course, the decision about the marriage itself. *Cut to the Explorer in the garage with steam-covered windows. All of a sudden in a Titanic-like scene someone's hand hits the glass. Cut to inside the car, Jen and Ty are making out.*
Ty: Okay, okay, we have to stop. I can't do this. I'm sorry Jen.
Jen: You should be.
Ty: It's not entirely my fault.
Jen: Oh, really. What role am I playing in your personal inner struggle?
Ty: You're tempting me.
Jen: That's a load of crap.
Ty: I'm sorry, Jen, but as attracted as I am to you. I don't believe in pre-marital s*x and no matter what you say or do is not going to convince me that it's right.
Jen: Who said anything about s*x? *Jen climbs out of the Explorer. Ty follows.*
Ty: Jen, I mean it's perfectly clear that your history of kissing isn't just kissing! *Jen angrily whips around surprised.*
Jen: My history?!
Ty: Jen, we're types of people and just as I'm likely to be found in church on Sunday--
Jen: I'm more of a Saturday night slut?!
Ty: I didn't say that.
Jen: Then how come I have never felt more like one? *Cut to Jack standing alone on the stairs inside the Leery house. Abby walks up to him.*
Abby: His own party and he's not even here yet, what a guy.
Jack: Do you really think it's true what you said earlier? About everyone having bisexual inclinations?
Abby: Oh, absolutely. *Cut to them in Dawson's room.*
Abby: You know, the Dawson and Joey's of the universe are pretty advanced for their age but with all the time they spend examining their navals, you'd think they'd be more open to the possibilities. *Jack lifts up his shirt a little and looks at his naval.*
Jack: You know, you're right! There's a whole world of possibilites in there. *They laugh. Abby looks at hers.*
Abby: In here, too. *She sits down on the bed.*
Jack: Yeah, maybe you're not Satan after all. Of course, I don't think Satan has a belly button. *He sits down next to her.*
Abby: Well, us outcasts have to learn how to stick together. *Cut to back downstairs, Joey walks by carrying a bowl when Dawson, Andie, and Pacey burst through the door.*
Dawson: SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *Dawson and Andie head for another room and Joey walks up to Pacey.*
Joey: You're late. This party's a disaster.
Pacey: Don't get me started.
Joey: Are they...?
Pacey: Yes, rum in Cokes, they got past me. *Cut to Andie and Dawson standing on top of the kitchen table dancing.*
Joey: C'mon you guys.
Andie: What? You wanna dance? *Joey helps Dawson down and Pacey grabs Andie. Cut to Joey leading Dawson down a hallway.*
Dawson: HEY! It's my birthday! I can do whatever I want to do!
Joey: Yeah, but we need to go where your parents can't see you. *Dawson stumbles on the stairs and Joey helps him up. He spots some people on the stairs.*
Dawson: HEY! WHAT'S UUUUUP?
Joey: We're going to get some coffee in your system. God knows it probably won't help but it's the only thing I can think of right now.
Dawson: I've got the blues, Jo. Do you know anything about the blues?
Joey: More than I care to. *They walk into Dawson's room to find Jack kissing Abby. Dawson starts laughing hysterically. He plays the air guitar*
Dawson: (singing) THE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT, WHO SAID HE WAS GAY, I KNOW SATURDAY, HE DECIDED TO SWING BOTH WAYS!!!!!!!!!! *Dawson falls back on his bed playing air guitar and Abby's laughing.*
Jack: Joey.
Joey: I can't deal with this, okay? *Joey leaves and Jack follows her out.*
Dawson: (singing to Abby) Sometimes you were born to lose. *She laughs. Cut to Joey coming down the stairs. Jack's following her. Abby's following him.*
Jack: Joey!
Abby: (to Kelly and Jaycee) Not so gay anymore.
Jack: More gay than ever. *Cut to Gail bring Dawson's cake over. Dawson walks in.*
Gail: Aw, perfect timing, honey, I was just about to call you as soon as I lit the candles.
Dawson: What? Time to make a wish?
Gail: Dawson, honey, have you been drinking?
Dawson: Time to make a wish, okay...let's make a wish. *Everyone's quiet and listening to him.*
Dawson: I wish..I wish that my mom never slept with her co-anchor. I wish that my father would stop talking about actually getting a job and go out and get one! I wish the two of you would stop your petty bickering and at least pretend to be the adults around here! I wish that my friend Pacey would just end this transformation of this A-student, do-gooder, all-around sanctamonious angel and would go back to what he does best which is make me feel good about my life when his is supposed to be worse. And then there's Jen Lindley with her drunkedness and her revolving boyfriends and her wild, wicked ways. I want to party with you! Ah, and then there's Jack McPhee. Jack McPhee who likes guys but doesn't mind stealing my girlfriend! Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, starring in his very own version of In & Out. He's in, he's out! He's in! He's out! In, out! Nice hair by the way. And then, of course, there's my Joey. My sweet, precious Joey. The only 16-year-old in the world that needed to find herself. But you know what? That's okay. I accept it. You need to find yourself, and I accept it. *He turns around.*
Dawson: (cont.) So Joey! Joey? *He starts looking everywhere, under tables, around people.*
Dawson: (cont.) Excuse me? Where's my Joey? Joey! There she is! There's my Joey! *He walks over to her and kisses her. She pushes him away.*
Joey: Cut it out, Dawson! *He falls into the cake. Cut to Dawson throwing up in the sink and Andie hunched over the toilet.*
Andie: Oh, God. This is all my fault. Or is it my It's fault? Is it my fault?
Dawson: I've learned one thing from my iniation into the evils of alcohol. Be careful what you eat because you're going to see it again.
Andie: And again and again and again. Oh, God, I swear I am never drinking again.Oh, God, I am so mortified at my behavior tonight and to think your parents saw me this way!
Dawson: I swear if I survive this night, and if any of my family or friends every speak to me again, I swear I'll never let another drop of alcohol touch my lips.
Andie: And if you ever see me pick up a drink, please remind me of how I'm feeling right now.
Dawson: Deal. *Dawson and Andie quickly look at each other before hunching over to puke again. Cut to Gail going out on the porch with Mitch.*
Mitch: Have we completely screwed up our son's life?
Gail: No, he's 16 years old. You remember being 16, don't you?
Mitch: All to well.
Gail: Well, I'm taking the Explorer back to the dealer tomorrow. His behavior tonight shows me that he's not ready for the responsibility of a new car. It was, I admit, possibly not the soundest decision that I've ever made.
Mitch: We could, um, go in on some old car together if you want.
Gail: Sounds like a plan. Maybe we could cover the down payment and he could work to pay off the rest. Maybe he'd learn something about the value of money and mistakes.
Mitch: Well, I guess we're all still learning about that. *Cut to Jack walking down the dock towards Joey.*
Jack: Hey.
Joey: Hey. You know, it's bad enough that I organized the world's worst surprise party, Jack, but Abby? I mean, after what she did to your family and everyone else...I don't know, I guess I just thought that if you were to go straight again you would chose someone like...Cindy Crawford or something.
Jack: Everyone's been telling me how okay they are with me coming out. You, Pacey, that (missed word), that guidance counselor...
Joey: I'm sorry for being so accepting...would you rather everyone just turn against you?
Jack: No, it's--she said some things tonight that made me feel like I was just like everyone else. I guess I just saw what I could have become, this whole thing, someone on the fringes like Abby.
Joey: So if we hadn't of walked in...
Jack: I still would've stopped. I knew it from the minute I started that I was--that I am gay.
Joey: You know, Jack, I think everyone feels alone and wants to be normal and I don't think anyone really ever does.
Jack: I don't want to be singled out, you know? Like I have some scarlet 'G' on my chest. You know? The Ellen of Capeside.
Joey: We're all going through the painful process of growing up. You just have this extra layer of difficulty but you're incredibly lucky to have people who support you. Don't lose sight of that.
Jack: Yeah...I guess the thought of being gay...seemed like such a lonely thought. I just don't want to end up alone. *Cut to Jen walking into her porch where Ty is sitting there, waiting.*
Ty: I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jen: So you waited on a freezing cold porch to tell me something that was perfectly clear two hours ago?
Ty: I just need to explain myself.
Jen: No, you don't. You have natural, God-given impulses that everybody in your life has told you are wrong to follow. So instead of growing your own conscience you try to drag me through your own grief and I'm not going to stand for it.
Ty: Jen! Jen! You need to understand that all my life has been about the church. The beliefs, the teachings, they're all I know.
Jen: So let me get this straight. You're a Christian but you like to booze it up and you like to party, right? You judge people for being gay and you go around saying heterosexual s*x is the way of the lord but you won't actually have heterosexual s*x.
Ty: Look, I know it sounds complicated. I'm struggling with the fact that I am a teenage guy with all of the struggles that go along with that. Desires that are in direct opposition to everything that I've been taught to believe and when I'm with you, all sense of reason just flies out of my head because you're so beautiful and sexy and I want you so badly. I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings tonight. Please understand that this is about me and has nothing to do with you.
Jen: Ty, this has everything to do with me. I liked you.
Ty: Yeah, I know.
Jen: No, you don't! I mean, I really liked you. And despite what you may think about my past experiences, my kissing you tonight was not my desire for something more. It was for something pure, something that I haven't felt in a long time, and you ruined that.
Ty: Maybe..maybe someday when I deal with my baggage maybe this can work out.
Jen: Anybody that can make me feel like this doesn't deserve a maybe. *She shuts the door in his face. Cut to Dawson laying on his bed. Joey walks in.*
Joey: Hey.
Dawson: Hey.
Joey: How you doin'?
Dawson: Oh, I'll be fine...after the room stops spinning.
Joey: I'm sure you'll be better in the morning.
Dawson: God, Joey, whatever I said I am so sorry. I was a complete idiot.
Joey: Don't worry about it, Dawson. I forgive you. I mean, even you are allowed to make a few mistakes in this world and I'm sure that everyone else will forgive you eventually, too. You pretty much told the truth anyway.
Dawson: Yeah, but the way I did it....God, I am so lonely. I'm 16 years old and I'm so hopelessly lonely.
Joey: Is that why you got drunk?
Dawson: Yeah...Jo, why did you break up with me and run straight to Jack?
Joey: Because he wasn't you. Look, it was never about looking for something better, Dawson. It was about looking for someone who wasn't so close to me. Where I could tell where I ended and he began. I mean, our lives have always been so intertwined that in many ways I feel like you partially invented me, Dawson. And that scares me so much. I need to find out if I can be a whole person without you. I need to find out if I can be a whole person....alone.
Dawson: Well, do it quickly, okay? Because....God, I love you. *Joey closes her eyes trying to keep control and Dawson closes his, falling asleep.*
Joey: (whispers) I love you too, Dawson. *She looks out towards the window and then back at Dawson and gets up and walks towards it. Outside it's snowing. Joey watches the snow, closes her eyes and makes a wish.*


At the store
(Marco is playing online poker while his dad installs an alarm system.)
Spinner: (To a customer) Hey and receipt's in the bag. Sale's on all week. Spread the word.
Mr. Del Rossi: 1637. You have 20 seconds to punch it in. You got that Marco?
Marco: Huh? Yeah. Yeah I got that pop. Thanks.
Spinner: Getting robbed once was enough, you know? And the new signage looks great Mr. D.R.
Mr. Del Rossi: Yeah.
Spinner: Cash only, right?
Mr. Del Rossi: Hey you can't trust banks. The service fees, low interest. Talk about getting robbed. Hey uh me and Uncle Louie are gonna play the ponies. You boys want to come when you close up?
Spinner: Yeah!
Marco: No, not tonight.
Mr. Del Rossi: You know sometimes you worry me Marco. This is life. You've got to live it.
(He leaves and Spinner walks over to Marco.)
Spinner: Dude, come on. You've been Johnny Long-Face all week.
Marco: Oh so it's been a week since Dylan left. 'Cause you know with constant phone tag and no e-mails, it's like poof! My boyfriend just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Spinner: Last I heard, Sweden was still on earth.
Marco: For the last time Spinner, Switzerland!
Spinner: Whatever. Look Dylan's got practice every day, road trips with the team, workouts with the team-
Marco: Long hot showers with the team.
Spinner: Dude you have an actively gay imagination.
Marco: Spin do you have any idea how hard it is to go from always having somebody there to being totally alone?
Spinner: Look when Dylan was here, nobody ever saw you. You two just played house 24/7. Don't hermit out with your laptop now that he's gone.
(Marco wins his online game.)
Marco: Hah! Whatever buddy. I just won 200 bucks! Are you finished with your lecture?
At Marco, Paige and Ellie's
Marco: (On the phone) Hey Dylan. It's in the middle of the night your time. Calling you, so call me back. Love you. Bye.
(Paige walks in.)
Paige: Hey Marco, Spin. How's Fortress Squatch Designs?
Marco: The alarm's armed and ready. What's with the hush-hush?
Paige: Well when Ellie gave me the green light to date her ex, I'd say she was just a touch colour-blind.
Ellie: I heard that!
Paige: If Jessie calls, I'll be hiding in my room.
Spinner: Oh fun times at the Del Rossi, Michalchuck, Nash, Tenako, Uchi abode.
Marco: Spin this is driving me nuts.
Spinner: Dude come on. You're coopered up inside. It's cold, wet, winter yuck out there. You need a change of scenery.
Marco: You know what, bud? You're right. You're right! What's the opposite of cold, wet, winter yuck?
Spinner: Hot, dry, summer yum?
Marco: Exactly. So I'm thinking va-cay! Me, you, Daytona Beach.
Spinner: Daytona?
Marco: Yeah!
Spinner: I would have expected Sweden! Switzerland, to visit your swister-mister.
Marco: So what? It's a long distance relationship Spin, emphasis on distance. He's having fun. I just, I want to have mine.
Spinner: Spring break, eh?
Marco: Yeah!
Spinner: Hotties on top of hotties. That my friend is yum.
(Spinner's excitement fades.)
Marco: What?
Spinner: Dude every cent I had went into the store.
Marco: No, no don't worry. I have a plan.
(They're shown playing online poker.)
Spinner: Wait this is your plan? Playing online poker?
Marco: You got a better one? Oh yes. Yes she folded! I win again. Yes!
Ellie: I'm reading Chekhov over here.
Marco: Sorry Ellie! Hey man, guys let's hit a club. Come on, it's on me.
Spinner: Wait, what about our trip money?
Marco: I'll win more. It's what I do!
At a club
Marco: Oh thanks guys for hanging out tonight. I needed this.
Jimmy: Ah no prob, man. Me and Spin can study for our test next week.
Jay: Yo gangsta's. What's the haps?
Spinner: Just celebrating Marco's big online poker score.
Jay: You must be quite the shark, Del Rossi.
Marco: Well I used to play with my boyfriend.
Jay: Yes you're gay. Super. If you want to make some real coin, me and the guys at work have a little something going on.
Marco: Define a little something.
Jay: Texas Holdem. $20 gets you in the door, $100 gets you in the game. At Friendship Club
Darcy: Our charity turkey dinner gave over 100 people a hot, tasty meal.
Kim: And we're organizing another event for the end of semester dance. So suggestions, anyone?
Nackman: Um used glasses drive?
Peter: Great idea, Nackman. Darcy, my mom's asking for you. It's actually kind of important.
Darcy: I better not keep the boss lady waiting.
(Kim rolls her eyes as Darcy leaves.)
Peter: I lied.
Darcy: Oh really?
Peter: Screw my mom's 'no girlfriend' policy. I've been thinking about you all week.
Darcy: Someone might see us.
(He gives her a necklace with a key on it.)
Peter: It's the key to my heart. Don't say where you got it. It can be our secret.
Darcy: It's adorable, Peter. Thanks.
(She kisses him on the cheek.)
At Marco, Paige and Ellie's
Ellie: Lots more closet space in my room.
Paige: Ellie I know you had your eye on Dylan's room, but he gave it to me.
Ellie: Well we should have a had a vote.
Paige: Not a big fan of democracy hon. Marco, tell her you don't mind if I take Dylan's room.
Ellie: Don't let 'Princess Always Gets Her Way' bully you...or manipulate you! She has a way with men.
Paige: You and Jesse broke up.
Ellie: Yeah just! Marco, tell her...
Marco: Shut up! I'm not going to referee your catfight about the room, or Jesse, or anything! Just work it out yourselves.
(They leave and Marco closes his laptop.)
Marco: Get me out of here.
In media immersion
Mr. Simpson: Okay Monday minds. Last week we started talking about online community moderation. Any thoughts? Is it good, bad?
Peter: It's censorship.
Kim: It's about keeping the internet safe for everybody.
Peter: Yeah well who gets to decide what's safe and what's not, Kim? You?
Darcy: I'm not surprised you'd say that. You only care about yourself.
(Peter looks shocked, but Darcy gives him a wink.)
Peter: Yeah well you only care about what people think about you.
Darcy: At least I have a conscience.
Peter: At least I can think for myself. Submit to peer pressure much?
Mr. Simpson: Guys.
Darcy: Submit to ugliness much?
Peter: Can you tell through all that eye fat?
Darcy: Eye fat? That is so pathetic.
Mr. Simpson: No seriously enough. Thank you.
Outside
Marco: Here. Blow our poker dreams on this.
Spinner: And if we lose?
Marco: We won't. I know what I'm doing.
Spinner: Dude it's not money in the bank. Jay's friends are poker ninjas.
Marco: Yeah exactly. That's what makes it fun. High risk, high reward.
Spinner: Coming from you? That's bonkers
Marco: Spin, you and Jimmy opened up a store, right? Ellie hooked up with her boss. Even flame-out Paige is starting over and Dylan...Dylan is off on his European hockey adventure. What have I done?
Spinner: Kept your marks up.
Marco: Oh wow! Whoop-de-do. I'm mashed potatoes, man. I'm boring and I'm bored and I just, I need a rush. Come on. At Degrassi
Darcy: How'd you get in here?
Peter: Tell you a secret? It's never locked.
(They start kissing.)
Peter: Oh next time we're fake fighting, can you tone down the 'you're ugly' stuff?
Darcy: You said I have eye fat.
Peter: It was all I could think of. Your eyes are beautiful.
Darcy: And you're not ugly, stupid.
Janitor: Peter Stone! I wonder if your mom would like to hear about this.
At the garage
Spinner: Fold.
Jay: Ah me too. Can't lose what you don't put in, right?
Marco: Yeah can't win much, either. Raise 100.
Jake: Going Vegas on me, boss? Alright let's double it.
Marco: Impressive. I'm in.
(They keep playing.)
Marco: I'm all in. You with me?
Jay: Well if you can't spot the sucker, you are the sucker.
Jake: The question is what's his tell.
Marco: When you figure it out, you let me know.
Jake: It's all yours, boss.
Spinner: Yes! Money for nothing.
Jake: Hey this is how it works. We get a chance to win it back. Tomorrow.
Marco: Alright, if you want to keep giving me your money, I'm gonna gladly keep taking it.
Spinner: Daytona!
[SCENE_BREAK]
At a club
Paige: Oh uh hello. Marco left a message. Some urgent need to rage?
Ellie: Oh there's been raging.
Marco: Hey, hey! Fun patrol's here. No cat-fighting tonight, ladies. Promise?
Paige: Yeah fine. What is up?
Marco: I am, babe. Tonight I am so wired.
Spinner: He pretty well bankrupted these hardcore poker dudes.
Marco: I had them eating out of my hands.
Paige: Look at you, Mr. High Roller.
Marco: Next stop: The Matador. Come on!
Ellie: Woah, the after hours club? I can't. I have an essay.
Marco: Ellie! Ellie you can't find love in an essay. You got to live!
Spinner: And I've got a test. Come on. Put it away.
Marco: Spin we're rich. We're celebrating. I'm happy. What's the problem here?
Spinner: You dude. You're being an ass.
Marco: Spin this is the first time I've had fun in ages and it's all thanks to my triple P, perfect poker partner. Come on man, let's just roll with this. Let's see how much money we can make. Please! At the poker game
Spinner: Fold again. Surprise.
Jay: Raise it 50. Shark boy?
Marco: Funny thing about poker. You know nobody remembers how you built your fortune, just how you lost it.
Jake: We're making memories tonight, right boss? Call.
Jay: I think I'm gonna go in another 50. Marco?
Marco: I'm all in.
Spinner: Dude that's everything.
Jake: Yeah not this time bluff-maestro. I'll see you. Let's have 'em.
Jay: You are toast shark boy! Yes!
Marco: Okay it's fine. It's fine. I um...I just, I need a loan to buy back in and I'll win it back.
Jake: Yeah, how much?
Marco: Um...
Tony: What the hell is going on?
Jay: Hey Tony you want in?
Tony: Don't get smart. You guys want to keep your jobs, this ends now. Everybody out.
(Marco and Spinner are walking outside.)
Marco: Look everybody goes bust, okay? My luck will turn. Just trust me.
Spinner: Trust you? Marco you just lost $1100. Kiss it goodbye. I did.
Marco: What? What about our trip, man? The hotties?
Spinner: Dude it's over. Go home, watch TV with your dad. Maybe he can talk some sense into you. You just got to stop.
At the Del Rossi house
Marco: Hey pop.
Mr. Del Rossi: Hey son. Can't stay away from your mom's cooking, eh?
Marco: How'd you and Uncle Louie do at the track?
Mr. Del Rossi: We had fun.
Marco: Did you guys win any money?
Mr. Del Rossi: We had fun, Marco. Why?
Marco: No, I'm just making conversation.
Mr. Del Rossi: Yeah? Well you know what goes good with that? Some of your mom's homemade cannelloni. She put some in the freezer before she went to bingo. No sit.
(Marco sees his dad's wallet and takes out all the cash.)
At Degrassi
Darcy's IM: How sneaky can you be?
(Peter starts typing back when Kim walks over to Darcy.)
Kim: E-mailing your boyfriend?
Darcy: Very funny Kim.
Kim: I'm just kidding. All set to work on our drama project after school?
Darcy: Oh. Um I have a grandma's birthday thing. Can we reschedule?
Kim: Fine. That's the last time I cancel majorettes for you.
In the park
Peter: Anyone see you?
Darcy: No. Not that this is the perfect hiding place. How sneaky did you have to be?
(They hug.)
Peter: Darce I'm sorry it has to be like this...sneaking around, lying.
Darcy: What we're doing isn't really bad. It's kind of fun. You're fun.
Peter: So are you. So much fun.
(Kim walks by with her dog and sees them kissing.)
Kim: Darcy?!
Darcy: Kim?
Kim: Wish your grandma 'happy birthday' for me.
(She walks away angry.)
Darcy: Sugar...
At the store, during the poker game
Jake: If I win this hand, I'll buy everyone a t-shirt.
Jay: I must say Mr. Del Rossi, you have some nice digs here, no girlfriends, no grease monkey bosses. This could be a regular gig, huh?
Marco: Yeah right. If anybody finds out we're using the store, I'm dead. Call.
Jay: Oh!
Marco: Raise a hundred.
Jake: There's no way you got the straight flush, bluff-maestro.
Jay: Well beautiful thing is, there's no such thing as a locked hand.
Marco: So Jake, you in or you out?
Jake: I'm in, boss.
Police officer: What's going on? We got a break and enter call.
Marco: No, no, no, no. There must be some mistake. I work here.
(The cop starts arresting Marco.)
Marco: No just let me finish this hand.
Police officer: Game's over, fellas.
Marco: What? Are you kidding me? Don't you guys have some kind of murder you could be solving?
Police officer: You're under arrest for trespassing.
At Peter's
(Darcy is at his window.)
Peter: What are you doing?
Darcy: Maybe if you answered your phone or returned my messages.
Peter: Kim tattled to my mom!
Darcy: Kim should mind her own beeswax. There's nothing wrong with us being together.
Peter: Yeah well we're not going to be together. My parents are talking about sending me to boarding school.
Darcy: What?! She can't.
Peter: She also said that if you know what's good for you, you'd keep your distance.
Darcy: Your mom can't keep us apart, Peter. Do you believe that love conquers all?
Peter: I don't think it's gonna be enough. There's always something in our way.
Darcy: I'll be at our secret place tomorrow. Prove to me that you're not the type to give up.
At the store
Marco: Spinner! Spinner thank god. Tell her, tell her that I-
Spinner: What is going on here, Marco?
Marco: Dude I pressed the alarm code and it didn't even go off.
Spinner: It's a silent alarm, idiot.
Police officer: Is this a friend of yours?
Spinner: He's a part-time employee.
Police officer: With permission to be here?
Spinner: No.
Police officer: I'm gonna have to take him in. Come on. At Degrassi
(Darcy is about to leave when Peter walks in.)
Peter: If they're sending me away, I have nothing to lose except you.
Darcy: Peter you've got me.
(They kiss.)
At Marco, Paige and Ellie's
Mr. Del Rossi: Ellie let me in. Uncle Louie talked to his cop buddy at 54. You had trouble at the store?
Marco: Yeah I was hoping you wouldn't find out about that.
Mr. Del Rossi: Yeah well Uncle Louie mentioned a poker game.
Marco: The police confiscated the money so I have a bunch of mechanics for enemies now, but Spinner dropped the trespassing charges. It's fine.
Mr. Del Rossi: I guess you're lucky. So do you know anything about the $600 I'm missing?
Marco: Uh...I was in the hole dad.
Mr. Del Rossi: Marco! How could you?
Marco: I needed it! Come on. You know how it is. You gamble every weekend.
Mr. Del Rossi: Marco you stole from family. Are you in trouble or something, Marco? Is there something you're not telling me?
Marco: No! It's Dylan, dad.
Mr. Del Rossi: Well how is Dylan the problem, Marco?
Marco: I feel empty without him dad. I'm lost. He's my boyfriend.
Mr. Del Rossi: You think I'm stupid?
Marco: No, of course not.
Mr. Del Rossi: You have used your friends and your family because playing cards was more important. No matter what Dylan is to you, he is not a part of this and you know that.
Marco: I'm done. I'm done with it, okay? I promise. I understand if you hate me for it.
Mr. Del Rossi: Marco, you're my son. I'm gonna watch you. Just go to school and if you have any honour, you'll come and see me at the shop to work off what you stole. People leave Marco. You have to live your own life.


Andy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy: Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam: Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy: Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. [laughs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Mornin' Jim.
Jim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy: Good. Drew.
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Dr--- You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How's it goin' man?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Ok, tell him that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy: You guys...
Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need--- [Michael rattles it] You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. ... Quiz! Mike.
Michael: Hmm.
Darryl: Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can, and I have.
Darryl: No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?
Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It's not safe, you don't have a license.
Michael: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge: No, it's always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Ah, fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yeeesh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [barely keeping his composure] "Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!" [laughs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight: Yeah!
Andy: It's on!
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin: Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim: You really wanna bet?
Darryl: Anybody?
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Guy: How many?
Jim: Ok, you're on.
Darryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin: [mouths] Damn...
Darryl: [in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...
Jim: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.
Kevin: On what?
Jim: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: What are you guys talkin' about?
Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Michael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
Darry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael: It's a big red trash compactor!
Lonny: What are you---
Darryl: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!
Lonny: Don't disrespect the baler!
Michael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...
Darryl: No do not touch it!
Michael: ...would I go near---
Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
Michael: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby: Well, that'll work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see. "Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually, you did.
Michael: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---"
Toby: Sedentary.
Michael: Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?
Michael: No.
Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan?
Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?!
Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: Alright, we outta here.
Michael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---
Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.
Michael: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." ... This is one example.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans] Ten.
Oscar: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim: There's like ten green ones.
Oscar: Forty-two.
Jim: I'm gonna say fifty.
Karen: Fifty-one.
Jim: Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin: That is lame.
Karen: It's a strategy!
Pam: It's called being smart.
Karen: Thank you.
Kevin: Oh, geeze.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Ten...
Jim: Kev's out.
Kevin: Damn it.
Pam: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins!
Everyone: Oooh! [Jim claps]
Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Kevin: No, constantly. Like, for years.
Jim: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam: I don't understand the question.
Michael: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam: Yeah...
Michael: I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Pam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Pam: So, you're okay?
Michael: Indubitably.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?
Michael: I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression---
Dwight: Wolves.
Michael: Nn--- Depression.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Visual aids.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A quilt. Depression quilt?
Micheal: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a suicide?" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note[/b]: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! [Dwight nods]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, [Ryan checks his watch]number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. [Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan] And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see love actually again, [Phyllis throws her money down] but it's at the bottom of the que! Oh no, what do I do!? [Creed throws his money down] What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the que, so that I can see Love Actually [Pam throws her money down] as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? [Jim throws his money down]
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [on the roof] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!
Michael: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...
Dwight: We measured it once...
Michael: Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight: Seedless?
Michael: Just...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: [Creed takes a bite of an apple] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hey!
Pam: Hey.
Creed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato]
Pam: Yes!
Kevin: Here you go. [hands money]
Toby: Nice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ready?
Michael: Let's do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight: [drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds]
Michael: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight: Got it.
Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael: Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Dwight: I'm on it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.
Michael: Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael: I don't know if I wanna do this.
Dwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!
Michael: Rock n' roll!
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: That's right! I am not thinking.
Dwight: [imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near!
Michael: Yes! Yeah!
Dwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!
Michael: Woo!
Dwight: [singing] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!
Michael: Woo!
Dwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!
Andy: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight: [hesitates] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [outside] Come on, hurry up you guys!
Michael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life...
Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?!
Michael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight: Don't do anything rash!
Michael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight: I didn't... [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Michael: Okay... that's...
Dwight: you said to just...
Michael: That's the whole point, dummy.
Dwight: Okay, I'm on it!
Michael: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Attention blue collar workers!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Jim: I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?
Kevin: Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!
Michael: Oooooh, my life!
Dwight: Michael! What's wrong?
Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee.
Michael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Jim: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: This is just offensive.
Ryan: At least we're outside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there.
Jim: Oh my God, there is a castle.
Dwight: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael.
Michael: Damn it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.
Jim: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
Pam: Yeah...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael: What is it?
Pam: Come down and... open it and you'll see.
Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Jim: Dwight...
Pam: Dwight, what are you---
Dwight: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.
Michael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael: What do I have to live for?
Darryl: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?
Michael: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The s*x isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael: I'm braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.