OPEN IN LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[An airport shuttle van drops Lorelai and Rory off in front of their house, then pulls away]
LORELAI: Agh!
RORY: And we're home.
LORELAI: How long does a freakin' van ride take?
RORY: Not that long!
LORELAI: Everybody in the world's life flashed before my eyes. That's how much time I had. I thought we were gonna die on that van.
RORY: It seemed a good possibility.
LORELAI: Ugh, that van ride felt longer than our train ride from Paris to Prague, and we had that group of French boys singing Sk8er Boi and smelling like a soccer field sitting all around us.
[Babette comes out of her house and rushes over to them]
BABETTE: Oh my God, you're back! Morey, they're back! Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?
LORELAI: Oh, we're fine.
BABETTE: You're fine? They're fine! Morey!
MOREY: [opens his front door] Yeah?
BABETTE: They're fine!
MOREY: Okay. [goes back inside]
BABETTE: What the hell happened to you two? According to the itinerary that Rory gave me, you were supposed to be home on Saturday.
LORELAI: The itinerary that Rory gave you?
BABETTE: So when you girls didn't show up, we panicked! Morey?
MOREY: [opens front door] Yeah?
BABETTE: Didn't we panic?
MOREY: Yeah. [goes inside]
LORELAI: Hey, Morey, you ever thought about just staying out here at times like these?
BABETTE: By Sunday night, I was a complete basketcase. I thought you'd been kidnapped by some crazy Sandinistas or something.
LORELAI: 'Cause the Sandinista movement is so popular in France.
BABETTE: So, finally, I just started calling consulates.
RORY: Consulates?
LORELAI: How many consulates?
BABETTE: Ah, jeez, all of 'em. Anyhow, you're here. Let's go inside, I wanna hear all about Europe. Morey, I'm going in!
MOREY: [calls from his house] Okay.
[Babette goes into Lorelai's house]
LORELAI: You gave her an itinerary?
RORY: I thought it would be good for someone to know where we were.
LORELAI: Oh, you gave her an itinerary and she called every consulate in the world.
RORY: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?
LORELAI: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?
RORY: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.
LORELAI: At least tell me he was cute.
RORY: He was not bad for a hash dealer.
LORELAI: Hm.
[they walk into the house]
BABETTE: [calls from the kitchen] I'm making cocoa!
LORELAI: She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.
RORY: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.
LORELAI: Reality has absolutely no place in our world.
[they walk to the kitchen]
BABETTE: Okay, I wanna hear all about Europe. Come on, tell me, what'd you see?
LORELAI: Well, everything. Uh, Notre Dame, the Roman Baths, St. Peter's Basilica.
RORY: Mom touched the Pope.
BABETTE: You're kidding!
LORELAI: Actually, I just touched his car. Then one of the Swiss guards in the fruity cool clothing busted me.
RORY: Luckily, Mom's fluent in flirting.
LORELAI: And flirting with a guy in a pompom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment.
BABETTE: Well, it sounds like you had a terrific trip.
RORY: It was. [Lorelai signals for her to fake a yawn, and Rory does]
LORELAI: Aw, are you okay, hon?
RORY: Yeah, I'm just a little sleepy.
BABETTE: Aw, of course, you girls must be wiped. I'll, uh, get out of here.
LORELAI: Oh, but thanks, Babette.
BABETTE: Well, goodnight, sleep tight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Morey, I'm coming home! [leaves]
RORY: I'm gonna go unpack.
LORELAI: Oh, unpack tomorrow.
RORY: No, if I leave stuff packed overnight, everything's gonna get gross.
LORELAI: Everything's already gross.
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
RORY: Ahhh.
[Rory walks to the closet as Lorelai gets on the bed]
LORELAI: Oh my God, your bed feels good.
RORY: Do not get comfortable. I will sleep on top of you if I have to.
LORELAI: Oh man, smell this. [holds up a pillow]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet. You know, I have to say, I think it's good I did this hostel thing in my thirties, and I'll tell you why.
RORY: [hugging the clothes in her closet] I missed you, I missed you all!
LORELAI: If I had done it in my twenties or teens, I would've been naïve enough to think that hostels were exotic and romantic. But once you're in your thirties, you've lived enough to know they're gross and should be avoided at all costs.
RORY: [to her clothes] I had a dream about you in Copenhagen. You were there, and you, and you, and you.
LORELAI: Listen, since we slept on the plane, we should go to sleep now, but get up really early tomorrow. We don't wanna blow this whole week being jet-lagged. We need to establish normal sleeping patterns.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna go take a shower and leave you alone to make out with your sock drawer.
RORY: Close the door.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory pulls open her sock drawer]
RORY: Hello, boys.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is organizing the souvenirs in the living room. Lorelai walks down the steps talking on the phone]
LORELAI: [on phone] Gilmore, Lorelai, yes. My daughter's name is Lorelai also. Well, very confusing or, in your case, extremely convenient. Uh, no, see, we were never missing, it was a big mistake.
RORY: Who are you talking to?
LORELAI: Belgium.
RORY: Ah.
LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, uh huh, Babette Dell. She got our arrival dates mixed up and she was just worried, but we're fine, we're here. We just loved your fries. Okay, sure, bye bye. [hangs up] Okay, Belgium's done, Lisbon's calling me back, Berlin had no idea what I was talking about, and Paris is pissed.
RORY: At who?
LORELAI: Ugh, who knows? Okay, I'm taking a break and then I'm taking on the Netherlands. I still cannot believe Babette did this.
RORY: She just loves us.
LORELAI: Well, be a little less lovable, would you, 'cause it's costing me a fortune. Try being one of those kids where people are like, "Oh really, she was kidnapped? Hey, well, thin the herd."
RORY: Very nice. Hey, who are the rosary beads for?
LORELAI: They're mine.
RORY: What do you need rosary beads for?
LORELAI: They're cute.
RORY: They're for prayer.
LORELAI: Well, pray they match my blue suit?
RORY: They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.
LORELAI: Hm. Oh, Pieta placemat?
RORY: Oh, Gypsy.
LORELAI: How are you feeling?
RORY: You know, not bad. Just a little spacy.
LORELAI: Like a cold medicine buzz?
RORY: Maybe we got lucky and missed the jet lag.
LORELAI: I hope so because we have a very big week ahead of us.
RORY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yes. In fact, I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities we are going to partake in over this week, the final week of Rory Gilmore's life before she enters the ivy-covered hallowed halls of Yale University.
RORY: Schedule, please.
LORELAI: Okay. Today we get these presents out to our friends and then we hit the mall.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Tomorrow we get an early start and we hit three of the crappier movies that are out.
RORY: And then we have dinner at Grandma's.
LORELAI: Which I will conveniently not put down on my list in the hopes that that magically goes away. Uh, okay, the next day we hit New York, see your fancy art galleries, hit the Strand.
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Pizza at John's. Um, Sunday, pick up all the stuff you need for school, and then there's a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is mani/pedi, facial, haircut, go to the psychic, and stock up for Tuesday, the day of all days - Godfather I, II, and III, with extra showings of the Sofia death scene over and over as long as the Mallomars hold out.
RORY: The perfect day!
LORELAI: I agree.
RORY: And I think we have just enough of the biscotti that we brought back from Milan to last us the rest of the week.
LORELAI: Oh, good. Well, everything's in order, so, uh, let's get going and get this stuff out of here.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Wow, we sure have a lot of gifts. Do we like this many people?
RORY: I didn't think so. Maybe we're getting soft in our old age.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I guess we should get some tote bags.
RORY: What tote bags?
LORELAI: We must have tote bags.
RORY: Where would we get tote bags?
LORELAI: Excuse me, every woman who's ever purchased seventy-five dollars worth of Clinique products has some tote bags.
RORY: We don't have tote bags.
LORELAI: Well, how are we supposed to get this stuff out of here?
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street wearing their backpacks]
LORELAI: Now we're the quirky backpack ladies.
RORY: One of the kinder nicknames that have been attributed to us.
LORELAI: Let's just be very efficient about this. Okay, we'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town, end with Andrew. And let's stick with the 'my mom touched the Pope' anecdote. It's quick, it's peppy, and everybody likes a nice Pope story.
RORY: Do we have time to stop at Luke's? I'm starving.
LORELAI: Absolutely. This is our week, this week we do anything we want.
RORY: I like this week.
LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if Luke and Nicole actually went on that cruise.
RORY: I thought he was going.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but I wonder if he actually went.
RORY: Why wouldn't he?
LORELAI: Well, I don't know. Because he'd have to pack and leave, plus he'd have to buy a bathing suit.
RORY: Well, I hope he went. He could use a good vacation. Plus, he really seems to like Nicole.
LORELAI: Mmhmm. Yeah, he does. Oh, hey, looks like the soda shop is open.
RORY: Oh, cool.
[They stop outside the soda shop and see Luke and Taylor arguing inside]
LUKE: I am gonna kill you.
TAYLOR: Oh, please, you are not.
LUKE: I am, too. I'm gonna kill you. I should've killed you before. I should've killed you the minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park, but, hey, hindsight, right?
RORY: Aw, I've missed that.
LORELAI: What do you think, biscotti moment?
RORY: Absolutely.
[Lorelai and Rory eat biscotti while they watch Luke and Taylor argue]
TAYLOR: You don't have to yell, Luke.
LUKE: You put a giant window in my wall.
TAYLOR: So what?
LUKE: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
TAYLOR: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
LUKE: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
TAYLOR: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
LUKE: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay! What?
TAYLOR: Your hand is near the wax lips.
LUKE: So?
TAYLOR: If you could just move it so you don't accidentally touch the candy. Lucas. [Luke rummages through the different boxes of candy] What are you doing? You stop that right now!
LUKE: [throws candy in the air] Look at all the pretty candy!
TAYLOR: Agh, stop it right now!
LORELAI: [gasps] Oh my God!
RORY: Hm, what? What's the matter?
LORELAI: Luke.
RORY: Yeah, he's finally lost it.
LORELAI: No, we forgot Luke.
RORY: We forgot Luke what? Oh, we forgot to bring him back a gift. Oh no!
LORELAI: We kept putting it off and putting it off.
RORY: We couldn't find anything good enough.
LORELAI: We should've gotten him that bullfighter's uniform.
RORY: Well, so what do we do?
LORELAI: Well, we have to just pick up something here and we'll tell him that we got it in Denmark.
RORY: Pick up what?
LORELAI: Something.
RORY: What? This is Stars Hollow. Everything you buy here has a Hello, Kitty stamped on the bottom.
LORELAI: Well, we have to get him something. We cannot go into Luke's empty handed.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: I'm hungry.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the house]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie!
[Sookie rushes off the porch to greet them]
SOOKIE: [squeals] You're back!
LORELAI: We're back!
[they all hug; Jackson comes out of the house]
JACKSON: Hey, don't squish baby!
SOOKIE: I missed you so much!
LORELAI: We missed you so much.
SOOKIE: Ah, look at you! You look older.
RORY: Oh, thanks, Sookie.
SOOKIE: So how was it, was it wonderful?
LORELAI: Oh -
SOOKIE: I wanna hear everything you did and everything you ate. Oh, was it warm? I read it was warm. How was Barcelona? Did you see the gaudy apartments? Ooh, did you see a bullfight? Did you see Anne Frank's house? Did you cry? Was Steven Speilberg there, huh? Oh, hey, I hear you touched the Pope! Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat? I've got quiche.
[they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Hold on one sec here, missy. I need to look at you. Sideways, please.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Hello, hi, nice to see you. I'm your Auntie Lorelai, and this is your Auntie Rory. Say hi, Rory.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Come over here.
RORY: Oh, no, I'm good.
SOOKIE: Come on, Rory, rub my stomach.
RORY: I'd rather not.
LORELAI: Rory's a chicken.
SOOKIE: So is Jackson.
JACKSON: Hey, I'm gonna like it when it comes out.
LORELAI: So what did the ultrasound say, boy or girl?
SOOKIE: It's a -
JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
LORELAI: It's a buh? What's a buh?
JACKSON: [reveals a button pinned to his shirt] Read.
LORELAI: [reads button] "I do not want to know the s*x of my baby."
JACKSON: That's right. I'm going old school on this.
SOOKIE: And he's being completely stubborn.
RORY: But you know?
SOOKIE: Of course I know. I had little clothes to buy -
JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
SOOKIE: What? I said nothing about the s*x.
JACKSON: You said little, and now I know it's going to be little.
LORELAI: Jackson, seriously, you don't wanna know?
JACKSON: Hey, in the old days, the guys would pace back and forth in the waiting room until a pretty nurse in a nice white outfit would come out and say, "Congratulations - it's a 'insert your chosen s*x here'." Ricky Ricardo didn't know, Dick van Dyke didn't know, and by gum, if it was good enough for Rick and Dick, it's good enough for me.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know.
JACKSON: Rory, what do you say? Be on my side.
SOOKIE: Jackson, there are no sides.
JACKSON: We can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting, we'll get you a nice suit. What do you say?
RORY: Okay, sure. I'm on Jackson's side.
JACKSON: Great. Welcome to 1954. [gives her a button]
RORY: Happy to be here.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know.
SOOKIE: Come on, I'll tell you outside.
LORELAI: Sure you don't wanna go?
RORY: Read the button, missy.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Lorelai and Sookie leave]
RORY: So, you hear about that whole Sputnik thing?
JACKSON: Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it.
RORY: Hm.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Sookie walk out back to the shed]
LORELAI: So Jackson's really not gonna be in the delivery room with you?
SOOKIE: Nope.
LORELAI: Does that bug you?
SOOKIE: Hey, I don't like Jackson to see me shave my legs, so. . .I'm opening the shed! Okay, are you ready?
LORELAI: For what?
[Sookie opens the shed; it's filled with blue baby products]
LORELAI: [gasps] It's a boy!
SOOKIE: It's a boy!
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, you're having a boy!
SOOKIE: I know! Jackson will finally have that son to prune the trees with.
LORELAI: My God, it's so exciting. A boy! Oh, a little boy. I know nothing about little boys.
SOOKIE: Me neither.
LORELAI: Man, you're prepared, aren't you?
SOOKIE: Yes, I am.
[They sit down in chairs in the shed]
LORELAI: It's so nice to be home.
SOOKIE: It's nice to have you home.
LORELAI: Hey, have you seen Luke lately?
SOOKIE: Briefly.
LORELAI: I guess he went on that cruise, huh?
SOOKIE: Yup.
LORELAI: That's good. That's good he went. He needed a vacation. He works hard, that one. Always cooking, making the coffee, taking the orders.
SOOKIE: You know, I think something happened on that trip of his.
LORELAI: What do you mean?
SOOKIE: Well, the day he got back, Jackson and I went into the diner and I asked him how his trip went. He couldn't get away from me fast enough.
LORELAI: Really? Was Jackson wearing that creepy button?
SOOKIE: Nope. Luke just seemed kind of freaked out about something.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You think he and Nicole had a fight or something?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: He didn't say anything?
SOOKIE: Nope. He just walked around acting weirder than normal.
LORELAI: Huh. Wonder what that's all about. So. . . are you gonna name him Lorelai?
SOOKIE: Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all.
LORELAI: Great.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street. Lorelai is carrying a jar of jam.]
RORY: I cannot believe you.
LORELAI: What? It's the perfect gift for Luke. Fine fancy jam from France.
RORY: Fine fancy jam from Jackson's pantry.
LORELAI: I don't know what you're talking about. I am looking right here at this beautiful hand-crafted label and it says "Fruits de la Terre."
RORY: You didn't even spellcheck to make sure you got the French right.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I think it adds an authentic touch. See, in my world, the person who made this jam was an illiterate orphan. . .Sochelle.
RORY: As in Sochelle Crab.
LORELAI: Yes, exactly. Sochelle was born by the sea, or so said the note left in the bassinet when the nuns found her on the steps of Notre Dame.
RORY: Oh, good, there are nuns.
LORELAI: Every sad story needs nuns. Anyhow, Sochelle had nothing - no father, no mother, no friends, no education. All she had was a burning desire to make great jam, and now she's the most successful jamstress in Paris.
RORY: Luke's gonna know.
LORELAI: No, he is not.
RORY: Well, as much as I would like to be there when you give Luke your heartfelt gift, I'm gonna go give Lane her gift.
LORELAI: All right, but if you're not there, I'm gonna get all the credit for this.
RORY: Exactly as it should be.
LORELAI: Give Lane a hug for me.
RORY: I will. Don't give him the jam.
LORELAI: I can't hear you, I'm too far away.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Bonjour, Luke. Pouvez-vous attacher vos chausseurs?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Uh, hi, Luke. Do you know how to tie your shoes?
LUKE: Very good.
LORELAI: Yup. It came in handy, let me tell you. Not one shoelace fatality on my watch. [he sets a mug in front of her] You remembered.
LUKE: Yup. A couple things about you stick. You have a good time?
LORELAI: Vos odeurs de chat.
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: Your cat smells.
LUKE: You must've been a big hit with the salon set.
LORELAI: The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Keeping tabs on me?
LUKE: Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from.
LORELAI: Anyhow, we were in London and we ran into this group of girls who were heading to Ireland to stake out the Clarence Hotel.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because U2 owns it and Bono hangs out there.
LUKE: Ah. Him again.
LORELAI: So then we jumped on a train and we headed to Ireland - incredibly beautiful, by the way - and we sat in a bar for two days and did nothing but eat soda crackers and funky cheese and he never showed.
LUKE: Que sera.
LORELAI: Hm. [sips her coffee] Mm, still good. I told 'em about you over there, Señor Swanky-pants.
LUKE: Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent.
LORELAI: And we got you something.
LUKE: You did?
LORELAI: Yes, we did.
LUKE: You didn't have to do that.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? We do not go to Europe and come back without bringing something for Luke. Here. [hands Luke the jar of jam]
LUKE: Jam.
LORELAI: Yes, fancy French jam.
LUKE: Fruits de la Terre. Very impressive.
LORELAI: It's handmade by this woman in Paris who has the most amazing story.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. Orphaned.
LUKE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: And illiterate.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Just had nothing in her life, you know, except this burning desire to be the world's greatest jamstress. And she's famous now and, uh, you know, she only makes three bottles of that stuff a year and that's one of 'em, and I brought it all the way across the, uh. . .I got it from Sookie's house.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: How did you know?
LUKE: Just a wild guess.
LORELAI: I swear, we tried to get you something, but nothing was good enough.
LUKE: No, forget it. I didn't get you anything on my trip either. We're even.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, how was the cruise?
LUKE: Oh, it was. . .you know.
LORELAI: Not really, I've never been on a cruise. So. . .
LUKE: It was fine.
LORELAI: Okay. So, you and Nicole had fun then?
LUKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want more coffee?
LORELAI: Uh, eh, oh. So what did you?
LUKE: Where?
LORELAI: On the boat? What did you and Nicole do on the boat?
LUKE: Oh, uh, you know, we fluttered around and ate, and there was a magic show and a singer and pillow mints, and you know, that's it.
LORELAI: But you and Nicole had a good time, you got along, and. . .
LUKE: Yeah. Uh, I'm gonna go check on your food.
LORELAI: Okay. [Luke walks away] I didn't order anything yet.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Kirk is hanging up a poster in front of the market as Rory walks by]
RORY: Hi, Kirk.
KIRK: Bienvenido, señora Gilmore.
[Rory sees that her picture is on the poster, promoting her as the Ice Cream Queen. She tears it down and walks away]
KIRK: What are you doing? I just put that there.
CUT TO TAYLOR'S SODA SHOP
[Taylor is instructing the employees on how to serve the ice cream]
TAYLOR: Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly. Very good, Ginger. Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua. Easy on the nuts, easy on the nuts. One cherry, and then present your sundae with a Taylor Tip.
[Rory walks in carrying the poster]
RORY: Uh, excuse me, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Ah, there you are. Hello, your majesty. Come to check on your little kingdom? Uh, Ginger, hand me a spoon.
RORY: I was just walking by when I -
TAYLOR: Here you are, on the house. [hands her a dish of ice cream]
RORY: Thank you.
TAYLOR: Would you like an extra cherry?
RORY: No.
TAYLOR: Because if the Stars Hollow Ice Cream Queen wants two cherries, then she will get two cherries, and to hell with the extra twenty-five cent charge.
RORY: Taylor, you didn't ask me if I wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen.
TAYLOR: So?
RORY: So, you didn't ask me. You just put my picture on a flier and stuck it up all over town.
TAYLOR: Well, I couldn't very well ask you when you were traipsing all over Europe, now could I?
RORY: But -
TAYLOR: And don't worry about getting anything. I have already rented a cape and a crown. Just wear a nice simple sage-colored floor-length dress and you'll be fine.
RORY: I can't do it.
TAYLOR: What do you mean, you can't do it?
RORY: I mean, I'm busy right now. I only have a couple days left before I go off to school, and my mom and I have every moment planned, so I'm just going to have to pass on this one.
TAYLOR: Oh, I see. You're going to pass. You're passing on this. Fine. Just consider yourself passed.
RORY: Look, I can still come by.
TAYLOR: Oh, can you, really? You can find time in your busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get yourself a free glitter hand stamp? You can swing that? You don't have to pass on that, huh?
RORY: Look, Taylor, don't take it like this.
TAYLOR: In my own defense, I assumed you would be thrilled based on your, uh, past participation record.
RORY: But this has nothing to do with -
TAYLOR: You've always been the head pilgrim girl at the food drive table.
RORY: Yes, well, that's for charity.
TAYLOR: The third leprechaun at the St. Patty's Day festival.
RORY: Yes, okay, but again, for charity.
TAYLOR: You man the ticket booth on Groundhog Day. You help organize the manger procession at Christmas, you play Esther every year at the Purim carnival. I just assumed you liked taking part in town events.
RORY: I do like it, but I just can't this time. I'm sorry.
TAYLOR: Oh, don't be. It's my own fault. I should have figured that once you got into Yale everything would be different.
RORY: That's not fair.
TAYLOR: No, I understand. You're no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. You belong to the Ivy Leagues right now. It's time to cut those small town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl.
RORY: Taylor -
TAYLOR: Okay. See you around the quad. [walks away]
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door]
LORELAI: Okay, that took way longer than it was supposed to. From now on, when we go out of town, no presents for anyone.
RORY: Oh, right. So we'll just buy everyone a big crate of Fruits de la Terre.
LORELAI: That horse is dead, put the stick down. Now we're way behind in our schedule, so I propose a change. Let's hold off on the frivolous shopping until tomorrow. What's up?
RORY: That Taylor thing is still bugging me.
LORELAI: Me, too. I can't believe you didn't call me in to see the fight.
RORY: Maybe I am different. Maybe I do have an attitude.
LORELAI: I think you do.
RORY: I mean, I've always had time for the town in the past, and now suddenly I don't? Am I changing? I don't wanna change. I don't wanna be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria.
LORELAI: Taylor is just messing with your mind, which is one of his specialties. Ignore him.
RORY: I guess. [she picks up a pile of mail from the coffee table.]
LORELAI: Hey, hey, no mail yet. We agreed, we're still on vacation.
RORY: Well, I'll just look through my mail. Yours can sit there as long as you like.
LORELAI: Yeah, but then you're back in the real world again and I'm out here in vacation-land alone. That's not fun.
RORY: [reading a letter] Oh no.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Oh no.
LORELAI: What oh no?
[Rory heads to her bedroom, Lorelai follows]
RORY: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no no no no no no. Oh no.
LORELAI: Uh, hey, kid, you're kind of freaking me out here.
[Rory flips through her date book]
RORY: I wrote the date down wrong.
LORELAI: What date?
RORY: This is from Yale. My orientation is Saturday.
LORELAI: Right, next Saturday.
RORY: No, this Saturday.
LORELAI: No, next Saturday.
RORY: No, this Saturday.
LORELAI: But today's Thursday. That means we have no -
RORY: I have to be at school the day after tomorrow.
LORELAI: But. . .no! We had a free week. I had it all scheduled out.
RORY: Well, I wrote the date down wrong.
LORELAI: Why would you do that?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: You never write the date down wrong.
RORY: Well, I wrote it down before we left and I wrote it down wrong.
LORELAI: We were supposed to have a week.
RORY: Well, we don't.
LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.
RORY: I can't believe you weren't gonna let me open the mail.
LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.
RORY: I can't believe you made us go to Ireland to stalk Bono.
LORELAI: This isn't fair. You have more I-can't-believe's than I do.
RORY: This sucks.
LORELAI: This totally sucks.
RORY: Well, I'm not ready. I haven't packed. I have things I need to get. We were supposed to watch the three Godfather's and Sofia dying over and over and eat our biscotti and -
LORELAI: Okay, listen, calm down. We just need to revise our plan.
RORY: We were supposed to have a week.
LORELAI: Okay, tonight we stay home and pack. Tomorrow we get up early. We'll get all the stuff you need, and that will give us time to watch at least two Godfather's and a Sofia dying. We'll still have a partial day and a great biscotti night.
RORY: Chinese.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Food. Order it. Go.
LORELAI: No, no time for full sentences!
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Ordering!
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory, each carrying several shopping bags, walk through the town square]
LORELAI: I'm so wiped. I shouldn't have taken that third Excedrin PM last night.
RORY: Third? Why'd you take three?
LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, originally I took two, then somewhere around four in the morning, I woke up and had a major Marilyn moment.
RORY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: Yeah. I forgot that I'd taken something and so I popped a third one and now I'm about ready to sleep with a Kennedy.
RORY: Well, I hear Kerry's available.
LORELAI: Okay, let's sit. God, Mr. Jet Lag wants to be my best friend.
RORY: Well, do you wanna go home and rest?
LORELAI: No. We have a Godfather night to salvage. Check the list.
RORY: Okay, we got the sheets, towels, bathroom shower caddy, and the basic first aid accoutrement. We still need to hit the beauty supply, the hardware store, stationery store.
LORELAI: The mattress store.
RORY: You do know that they supply you with a mattress at the dorm.
LORELAI: Yeah. A mattress that decades of students in various states of cleanliness have slept on. Some without pajamas.
RORY: Gross.
LORELAI: Exactly.
RORY: We've been running around for hours and this list isn't getting any shorter. We're never gonna finish.
LORELAI: Stop. Yes, we are. We just need to split up. We'll get all this done quicker. I'll take the, uh, beauty supply and you take the stationery store, and we'll meet back here in twenty minutes.
RORY: Okay. Oh, boy.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Well, I'm gonna walk right past that stupid grand opening.
LORELAI: Well, I would take the stationery store, but you're so weird about what kind of pens you like.
RORY: No, no. I'll just. . .I'll walk really fast. Maybe Taylor won't notice me.
LORELAI: Yeah. You better walk really fast, like warp speed Mr. Sulu kind of fast.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: Twenty minutes!
[They go off in separate directions. Rory stops to listen to Taylor speaking to a crowd in front of the soda shop]
TAYLOR: ...since these and many other flavors await your tongues at Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. I wanna thank you all for coming here today to help us celebrate our grand opening. Now, originally we were supposed to have our Ice Cream Queen here, but unfortunately, kids, she was just too busy. She just couldn't find time in her busy queen schedule to come play with all of you here today.
[a young girl in the crowd starts crying]
TAYLOR: I know, Christy, but take heart, we still have balloons and music, and as a special treat a little later, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right here in front of Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. Isn't that great, kids? A skydiver who isn't too busy to come play with you will be here soon.
CUT TO THE BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk.
KIRK: Hello.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm looking for a good daytime cream and a good nighttime cream.
KIRK: For you?
LORELAI: No, for Rory.
KIRK: Is she sensitive, prone to breakouts if the cream is too heavy?
LORELAI: Yeah.
KIRK: I thought so. Okay, first of all, I would stay far away from that one.
LORELAI: Oh.
KIRK: Much too rich for her. This one is light with a fresh citrus scent and it is completely natural.
LORELAI: We like that.
KIRK: Now, for day, I would recommend something with a sunscreen. Rory has a classic peaches and cream complexion, and it would be a crime if, when she got older, her face started to look like a cowboy.
LORELAI: I couldn't agree more.
KIRK: All right. This should work.
LORELAI: Thank you.
KIRK: You know, I heard you got back from your trip.
LORELAI: Yup, I'm living proof.
KIRK: Miss Patty showed me the castanets you brought her.
LORELAI: Oh yeah?
KIRK: Yeah. And Andrew showed me the T-shirt from the Picasso museum. I must admit, I was a little jealous. I mean, I hate Picasso, but I love T-shirts.
LORELAI: Oh.
KIRK: And Pete seemed to really enjoy the Tower of London nutcracker you brought him.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: A nutcracker's a very useful thing to have around. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in my living room with a nut thinking, "if only I had a way to crack this."
LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I'm really sorry, we got a little messed up on the presents. It just got so crazy over there. I mean, we forgot to bring something back for Luke.
KIRK: I heard he got jam.
LORELAI: Fake jam.
KIRK: I love fake jam.
LORELAI: You know what, I'm gonna make this up to you, okay?
KIRK: Really?
LORELAI: I promise. We never meant to forget you.
KIRK: Oh. Okay, well, sure. You can make it up to me.
LORELAI: Okay. Now how much do I owe you?
KIRK: 45.50. You're, uh, you're lucky you came in when you did. I'm closing a little early today.
LORELAI: Ooh, well, lucky me.
KIRK: Yup. [he puts on a skydiver's backpack]
LORELAI: Kirk, no.
KIRK: Taylor paid me twenty dollars to jump out of a plane for the grand opening.
LORELAI: No.
KIRK: But I took a lesson. The guy said I was a natural at falling.
LORELAI: Kirk, listen to me, this is the best gift I could possibly give you - don't do that, okay?
KIRK: Do I still get the jam?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory is walking down the street. Two young kids walk by.]
KID 1: Thanks a lot.
KID 2: Yale can have you.
[Lorelai walks up to Rory]
LORELAI: Honey. Hey, did you get your silly pens?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Okay, good. Now I can mark these two things off, and we only have about ten thousand other things to do.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: You know, I think the only way we're gonna get this all done is if we prioritize.
RORY: Meaning?
LORELAI: Something has to go.
RORY: Biscotti night.
LORELAI: No, not biscotti night. I think we should bail on Friday night dinner.
RORY: Cancel on Grandma?
LORELAI: Yes, cancel on Grandma.
RORY: I can't do that.
LORELAI: Rory, we need to get this stuff before tomorrow. There's no way we can do that if we have to drive all the way to Hartford and back. She'll understand. Well, the first part was true.
RORY: I can't skip dinner.
LORELAI: Come on, we're gonna go to dinner next week and every week after that for the rest of our lives. And I do mean the rest of our lives because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.
RORY: Mom, I made a deal. This is why I get to go to Yale. I can't back out.
LORELAI: It's our last night.
RORY: I have to go. You don't have to, but I do.
LORELAI: What do you mean I don't have to go?
RORY: I was very clear when I made this deal that it was only for me.
LORELAI: You're right, I don't have to go. Boy, that's an oddly liberating feeling. I don't have to go. I don't have to go. I do not have to go to dinner.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hang on, I'm not done. I do not have to go ever if I'm not in the mood.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I'm not going. I'll finish up all the errands.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. You go and you eat really fast and then get out of there. Meet me back here 9:30, 10 at the latest, and we'll do Godfather I through "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday," and a quick Sofia dying.
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: Remember, eat fast.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Bye.
[They go off in separate directions. Taylor is still speaking to the crowd in front of the soda shop]
TAYLOR: Now just picture her sitting here just like this, smiling and waving. 'Hello kids, I'm the Ice Cream Queen.'
[Rory walks up to the microphone to speak to the crowd]
RORY: Okay, that's it. I humiliate myself at least six times a year for this town, and just because I'm going to Yale, that's not going to stop. Now the reason I am not the Ice Cream Queen is because Taylor never asked me. I didn't know about it, and that's why I was busy. Now I love this town, I will be back in that ridiculous pilgrim outfit at Thanksgiving, so everybody just get off my back.
[She walks away as some people applaud]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. Emily walks toward the door]
EMILY: Richard, they're here! Put those papers away and fix your tie.
[Emily opens the door]
RORY: Hey, Grandma.
EMILY: Hello, Rory.
RORY: Nice to see you.
EMILY: It's nice to see you, too. Come on in.
RORY: I'm sorry I'm a little late.
EMILY: Well, you're here now and that's all that matters. Shall we go into the living room?
RORY: Yes. Then I can give you your present.
EMILY: My present? Well, that sounds very interesting.
RORY: We bought it for you in Paris because Mom said you loved Paris the most.
EMILY: I wonder what it could be.
[They sit down in the living room. Rory hands her a gift]
RORY: For you.
[Emily opens the gift, an Eiffel Tower figurine]
EMILY: Oh my, it's lovely, Rory, really. Just beautiful.
RORY: It was between this and the Arc de Triumphe, but Mom said that the Eiffel Tower was fancier.
EMILY: I agree, and I love it. Thank you.
RORY: You're welcome.
EMILY: So, where is your mother tonight? Not sick, I hope.
RORY: Oh, no, she's fine. She just had some things to do.
EMILY: Ah, things.
RORY: Errands, actually.
EMILY: Errands, of course.
RORY: But she'll be here next week, and she says she's looking forward to it.
[Richard walks into the room]
RICHARD: Emily, I'm expecting a call and there's nothing I can do about it, so please don't be upset when I leave the table. Rory, how lovely to see you. Well, how was the first European excursion?
RORY: It was perfect.
EMILY: Lorelai had chores to do tonight.
RICHARD: Chores?
EMILY: Errands, you know.
RICHARD: Errands?
EMILY: Yes, that's why she didn't come, she had to run errands. But she'll be here next week, and she's looking forward to it. Isn't that nice?
RICHARD: I suppose.
EMILY: I think so, too. Would you like to see my present?
RICHARD: Well, that's very nice. That'll fit right in with your collection, Emily.
EMILY: Yes, it will.
RORY: We got something for you, too, Grandpa. [hands him a gift]
RICHARD: Well, I guess you're not the only one who gets a treat tonight.
EMILY: Oh, and just when I thought I was special.
[Richard opens the gift, a pipe]
RICHARD: Look at that. That's beautiful.
RORY: We found this amazing pipe store in Copenhagen and the man there can carve anything you want. His family's been doing it for over a hundred and fifty years. And they had a whole set of Alice in Wonderland pipes that Mom wanted to get, but they were way too expensive so we just got the Queen of Hearts.
RICHARD: Well, I love it.
EMILY: Yes, and you're gonna love it outside on the patio.
RICHARD: As you wish, my dear. [the phone rings] That's my call, that's my call.
EMILY: Hurry back, or we'll start without you.
RICHARD: Five minutes. Ten, tops. [leaves room]
EMILY: He'll be an hour.
RORY: Is his new business going well?
EMILY: Oh, who knows? He's not in the room long enough to find out.
MAID: Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: All right, Gerta. Well, I guess we should go in and eat.
RORY: What about Grandpa?
EMILY: Oh, we'll save him something.
RORY: Okay.
CUT TO THE DINING ROOM
[Emily, Richard, and Rory are eating dinner]
RICHARD: So, Rory, tell me, how were the Gundersons?
RORY: The who?
RICHARD: The Gundersons. Our friends in Zurich. The ones we told you two to look up when you got there.
RORY: Oh, the Gundersons, right.
RICHARD: I tell ya, they better have given you a first class welcome. Especially after that son of theirs squatted here for over a month last year.
EMILY: And ruined the rug in the guest room.
RICHARD: That's right. Hope you ruined one of their rugs as well.
RORY: Actually, we, um, we didn't get a chance to see the Gundersons.
RICHARD: Hm?
EMILY: Why not? Were they out of town?
RORY: Well, I -
RICHARD: You did go to Zurich, didn't you?
RORY: Yes, but, you know, Zurich was so crazy for us that we just figured, 'Ah, we'll just catch 'em next time.'
RICHARD: You didn't call them?
RORY: You know, there really wasn't time.
RICHARD: Well, what about the Egerholms in Denmark? Is their new house a monstrosity?
RORY: Well, if you think Zurich was hectic, then Denmark was just. . .whoo!
RICHARD: You didn't call them?
RORY: Um, no.
RICHARD: The Rezoscos in Florence?
RORY: No.
RICHARD: The Talbots in London?
RORY: We were only in London for two days.
RICHARD: Well, who did you look up when you went to Europe?
RORY: Jim Morrison says hello.
RICHARD: You didn't look up one of our friends? We must've given you fifteen names.
RORY: I know, but we got so caught up in the backpacking aspect of it that it just kind of slipped our minds.
RICHARD: You know what that means, Emily. We're going to have to stay with the Gundersons when we go to Zurich in the fall.
EMILY: Rory, would you like another piece of chicken?
RICHARD: Tiresome people.
RORY: I've already had two, Grandma.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, why are we friends with them again?
EMILY: Well, just take it and nibble at it if you want to. Gerta, you can put the soufflé in now.
RORY: Soufflé?
EMILY: Yes, we're going to have a special dessert, something to celebrate your homecoming.
RICHARD: Well, why didn't she put it in the oven when we sat down to dinner? Those things take forever to cook.
EMILY: You know, every time we go to Paris, I marvel at their ability to turn a simple meal into a three or four hour event. Makes every day seem like a party. So tonight, I thought we'd be European. I thought maybe we'd have a cheese plate before dessert and coffee. How does that sound? Bon?
RORY: Oh, yes. Very. . .bon.
EMILY: It's nice to mix it up once in awhile. Oh, I have a wonderful idea. Rory, have you ever seen a ballroom dancing competition?
RORY: Uh, no.
EMILY: You would love it. It is so exciting, and the costumes are beautiful. I've been taping them since 1978. Can you imagine?
RORY: No.
EMILY: All right, then. After dessert, you and I are going to hunker down in that den that we never use and I am pulling out those tapes. We'll just start at the beginning and see how far we get. Perfect, here's the cheese. I'll take that, Gerta. Richard, do you want to start?
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Luke are loading Rory's things for Yale into the back of Luke's truck]
LUKE: Jeez, you think you go to a fancy school like Yale there'd be a mattress in the room.
LORELAI: Yeah. Go figure, huh?
LUKE: You packed her stuff in Hefty bags?
LORELAI: Hey, she's lucky I even had these in the house.
LUKE: If you needed luggage, you should've asked me.
LORELAI: You have luggage?
LUKE: Yes, I have luggage. Why wouldn't I have luggage?
LORELAI: You never go anywhere.
LUKE: I just went on a seven-country cruise.
LORELAI: That's right, the mystery cruise that you don't wanna talk about.
LUKE: I told you I brought luggage. What more info do you need?
LORELAI: Why won't you tell me what happened?
LUKE: Because.
LORELAI: Why? Luke, I swear, I'm dying to know, but every time I bring it up, you spaz out. Why won't you tell me? I would tell you.
LUKE: Yes, but I wouldn't wanna know.
LORELAI: Did something happen with you and Nicole?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: What? Did you propose?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh my God, you proposed?
LUKE: Yes, I proposed.
LORELAI: This is big. This is huge.
LUKE: There's more.
LORELAI: There's more? Okay, well, what? Did she say yes?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: She said yes. You proposed and she said yes. Wow, I -
LUKE: There's more.
LORELAI: And there's more after you proposed and she said yes? What, you -
LUKE: We got married.
LORELAI: You got married? How could you get married?
LUKE: We asked the captain and he married us.
LORELAI: And that's legal?
LUKE: Apparently.
LORELAI: So you're married? You're legally married? This is just -
LUKE: Actually, there's a little more.
LORELAI: And she's pregnant. Oh my God, you finally reproduced.
LUKE: We're getting divorced.
LORELAI: I'm gonna sit down now.
LUKE: It just all happened so fast.
LORELAI: Well, yeah.
[they sit down on the front porch steps]
LUKE: I mean, you're on this boat in the middle of nowhere and everything's moving and you feel weird all the time. There's this endless supply of food and drink. Uh, midnight buffets, by the way, are the reason the rest of the world hates us. And everyone around us was either in love, engaged, or celebrating their hundredth wedding anniversary, and we were having a good time. . . and there you go.
LORELAI: There you go.
LUKE: Of course, the next morning we both woke up and realized we'd lost our minds. We tried to ignore it for awhile, you know, went snorkeling, but by the time we hit land, we were separated, and now we're getting divorced.
LORELAI: Okay, well, my jet lag and your love life is making me dizzy. Is there more?
LUKE: Nope, that's it.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LUKE: Ah, it's okay.
LORELAI: Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you've been married, it'll silence all those questions.
LUKE: What questions?
LORELAI: You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone.
LUKE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Hey, I always defended you. I always said, "Hey, so what if he is?"
LUKE: Thank you for your support.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
RORY: She's taken me hostage.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: She's not letting me leave. Dinner lasted an hour. She didn't even put the soufflé in the oven until we'd already finished, and now we're watching taped ballroom dancing competitions that date back to the 1800's.
LORELAI: You haven't left yet?
RORY: Are you listening to me? I can't leave. She won't let me leave ever. This is Iran in '79 and you are Jimmy Carter. What do we do?
LORELAI: Well, first we have to lose the Jimmy Carter comparison, and second, I have to come get you. This is about me and me not showing up, so maybe if I put in an appearance, she'll let you go.
RORY: Okay, but come quickly because she's got a lot of tapes and they rewind really slow.
LORELAI: I'm on my way. [hangs up] Um, hey, so, uh, I have to go get Rory.
LUKE: Everything okay?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah. You know, my mother's a psycho, so. . .business as usual.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Thanks for the help.
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: And I am sorry.
LUKE: I'll be fine.
[Kirk walks by in a skydiver's outfit, trailing a parachute behind him]
KIRK: Strong wind.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[In the den, Emily puts a ballroom dancing tape into the VCR, then sits next to Rory on the couch]
EMILY: Now I think you're really going to see quite a difference from the early eighties. They really start to mix it up in '88.
RORY: Mmhmm.
EMILY: Oh, see right there, see that move? Five years ago it was not allowed. Could've gotten you kicked right out.
RORY: That's harsh.
EMILY: Oh, yes. Ballroom dancing can be very harsh. Oh, look. The couple in the purple feathers - that's Corky and Shirley Ballas. I love them, they are so talented. Corky's actually writing a musical based on their life as ballroom champions, and their son, Corky Jr., is going to play him as a young man.
RORY: Wow. Two Corky's in one show. Don't see that everyday.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Mom, hi!
LORELAI: There you guys are.
EMILY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Well, you know, it's funny, I just happen to be in the neighborhood and I thought to myself, I wonder what's doing at the Gilmore house.
RORY: We're watching National Ballroom Dancing competitions.
LORELAI: You are? Well, that sounds fun. Mind if I watch with you?
EMILY: I don't think you'd enjoy it.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sure I would.
EMILY: Well, you've already missed the beginning.
LORELAI: I'm betting you could catch me up.
EMILY: Rory, would you go ask Gerta if she would make me some tea?
RORY: Uh, sure, Grandma. [leaves]
LORELAI: No, nothing for me, Mom. Thanks. Um, so what's new?
EMILY: Well, you obviously weren't just in the neighborhood, so why don't you tell me what you're doing here?
LORELAI: Uh, you know, I came to see you.
EMILY: You came to get Rory.
LORELAI: Mom, she's been here for hours. Patty Hearst had a shorter incarceration.
EMILY: She's not being held hostage, Lorelai. I resent that. She's spending time with me, something you obviously don't want to do.
LORELAI: Mom, I'm sorry I missed dinner tonight.
EMILY: Come to dinner, don't come to dinner, it makes no difference to me. You are under no obligation to us any longer.
LORELAI: I know, but -
EMILY: You're very busy, I understand. I wouldn't wanna keep you any longer.
LORELAI: Mom, please, let me take Rory with me.
EMILY: No. Tonight is my night with Rory.
LORELAI: You're keeping her from me on purpose.
EMILY: If Rory wants to leave, she can ask to leave. She's not a four-year old.
LORELAI: Well, she's not gonna hurt your feelings by asking to leave.
EMILY: Why should she? She knows you'll be along any second to do it for her.
LORELAI: Mom, why do you always make everything so hard? Don't you understand, this is my last night with my daughter! She goes off to college tomorrow!
EMILY: I know, which is why I was so surprised you didn't want to spend the evening with her.
LORELAI: I do!
EMILY: Then you should've come!
LORELAI: I couldn't!
EMILY: You wouldn't!
LORELAI: Ugh, I swear to God! Where's Dad?
EMILY: Oh, he went to bed hours ago.
LORELAI: He went to bed?
EMILY: Well, it was getting late.
[Lorelai laughs a little]
EMILY: Why are you laughing?
LORELAI: Um, you know, you've got Rory locked in here with the Mambo Kings, and, um, and Dad went to bed.
EMILY: So what? Why is that funny?
LORELAI: Because. . .you know, she's here and he's there and. . .God, I'm so tired.
[Lorelai keeps laughing. Rory walks in]
RORY: What's so funny?
EMILY: Oh, she's having a fit.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Oh my God. [laughs harder]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I just got the Jimmy Carter reference.
[Lorelai and Rory laugh]
EMILY: As soon as you're both done. . .
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Later that night, Lorelai and Rory are watching ballroom dancing in the den]
RORY: Oh, watch this. This part's really good.
LORELAI: Ouch, that has got to hurt.
RORY: Cool, huh?
LORELAI: Extremely. Plus, the whole matching haircut thing adds a level of commitment to their act that the other acts just lack. Oh, hey, careful where you put the hand there, mister.
RORY: You know they rehearse every night, plus they have classes, plus they go to the gym four times a week?
LORELAI: Hm. Oh my God, she's balancing on his hand. He is like Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Either way, he's very strong.
RORY: So, tomorrow. . .
LORELAI: Yeah, tomorrow.
RORY: It's a big day.
LORELAI: It's a really big day.
RORY: I just hope it's everything I've been imagining it to be.
LORELAI: Yeah. I just hope you actually get there.
[they glance at Emily sleeping on the other couch, then continue watching the television]
LORELAI: You know, if Sofia could just die during a fox trot, that would be perfect.
RORY: Biscotti?
LORELAI: Yes, please.
[Rory hands her one from the bag]
LORELAI: They're all broken.
RORY: I know. I like 'em that way.


[Scene: Paige's car. Paige is driving along the road, talking on her phone to Phoebe.]
Paige: Okay, so I've stopped at five herb shops but I finally found some eye of newt. So if it's good enough for Shakespeare's witches, I figured it'd help us put a serious dent in Cole.
Phoebe: Look, we've tried everything to vanquish him but nothing works, okay. So I just say we watch our backs and get on with our lives. Speaking of which, do you think eye of newt would work on the woman that's trying to sue me?
Paige: Is she demonic?
Phoebe: Well, she's demonically stupid. Paige, I am seriously worried that I'm going to lose my job over this.
Paige: For giving bad advice in your column?
Phoebe: No, the advice wasn't bad, I never told her she should leave the guy at the altar.
Paige: Either way, what happened to freedom of the press?
Phoebe: Well, apparently some dirt bag lawyer is finding a way around it. (Paige passes a demon wearing a suit, standing on the side of the road. He waves his hand and something blows on her car. Her car spins out of control and Paige screams.) Paige? (Paige's car crashes into another car and she is knocked unconscious.) Paige, are you okay? Paige, do you hear me? Are you okay? Paige.
[Scene: A demonic strip bar. Women in bikinis are dancing on the stage, while demonic men watch them close by. Cole is amongst the demons, watching a dancer straight in front of him. The demon from the street shimmers into the middle of the room, who a waitress bumps into. He looks around and approaches Cole.]
Demon: Cole.
Cole: How'd it go?
Demon: It was beautiful.
Cole: Was the other driver hurt?
Demon: Oh, yeah.
Cole: Good.
Demon: Now all you gotta do is a little mind control on the witnesses and maybe a cop, and we're golden.
Cole: Let's get outta here.
(Cole starts to get up but a dancer walks over and pushes him back down.)
Dancer: No time for one little dance?
Cole: Kaia, I was waiting for you earlier.
Kaia: I'll make it up to you.
Demon: Boss.
(Cole gives him a look and he walks away.)
Cole: You know what I want.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe and gives him a lap dance.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Paige is in the hospital bed, Phoebe sits on the end of the bed, and Piper sits beside in a chair.]
Piper: Are you sure you don't want to call Leo?
Paige: No, no, it's just a mild concussion and besides, I don't deserve to be healed. I know better than to talk on the phone and drive, I don't know what I was thinking.
Piper: Do you remember what happened?
Paige: I was speaking to Phoebe and then the next thing I know the car just started spinning out of control.
Phoebe: Hm, it's kinda like my career.
Paige: Oh, honey, it's not that bad is it?
Phoebe: I think it is. The newspaper's lawyers wanna meet with me and I don't think it's because they're huge Phoebe fans.
Piper: Well, I'll see you your career and raise you my club. The health inspector's coming back today and the plumbing just exploded, again.
Paige: What is going on with us? Is Mercury in retrograde?
Phoebe: Have you thought about using a magical band-aid?
Piper: I'd do it in a heartbeat if I wasn't afraid of the personal gain consequences.
Phoebe: See, this is why demons always have the upper hand, you know. They can use their magic whenever they want to.
Paige: Yeah, well, you know, that's what separates good from evil.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know that but it's still very tempting. I mean, you could fix your plumbing, I could turn some lawyers into toads.
Piper: Aunt Phoebe, little wiccans have very big ears that can hear you.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I was only kidding! Mostly. (to Paige) Are you going to be okay because I have to go get fired now.
Paige: You are not getting fired and I'm fine.
Phoebe: From your mouth and god's ears. (She kisses Paige on the head and turns to Piper's stomach.) Okay, bye, my little niece.
(She kisses Piper's stomach.)
Piper: You're smashing me.
Phoebe: I love you.
Piper: Get off me!
(Phoebe leaves.)
Paige: This is no segue but you and I need to talk about vanquishing Cole.
Piper: 'Cause we don't have enough problems at the moment?
Paige: No, because he's actually our biggest problem at the moment. Okay, look at Phoebe, it's totally beaten her down.
Piper: I don't know, she seemed kind of cheerful considering the state of her career.
Paige: That's this wonderful thing called denial. Okay, the Phoebe I know would never roll over for lawyers like that. This morning when I was talking to her about vanquishing Cole, she told me I was wasting my time. I'm telling you she is off.
Piper: Alright, okay, already. Well, we'll spend the afternoon with our noses in potions. But can I go save the soul source of our income first?
Paige: Yeah, go, I'll see you later.
Piper: Are you okay to orb?
Paige: I'm perfectly fine to orb. Go.
Piper: Alright.
(Piper leaves the room. Paige gets up to get dressed and two police officers knock at the door.)
Cop #1: Paige Matthews?
Paige: Yeah?
Cop #1: You're under arrest.
[Scene: Cole's office. Cole's there. The demon stands at the doorway.]
Demon: Felony hit and run. She's going down.
(He walks over to Cole.)
Cole: And P3?
Demon: Health inspector's there, our guys are in place. I've gotta say, using the law to bring down the Charmed Ones was genius, sir. They'll never figure it out.
Cole: Oh, they will figure it out, it'll just be too late. (He shows him some blueprints of the manor.) The Halliwell manor. The doorway to the spiritual nexus. All the power that we need.
Demon: Oh, man. Right under the witches' house. Who knew?
Cole: I did.
Demon: Is that why they're so damn strong?
Cole: Ah, partly. The Nexus packs a punch. The power can go either way, in good hands, good gets a power boost. But when we tap into it, evil spreads.
Demon: How far?
Cole: Far enough. The police, the politicians, and Phoebe. She will be consumed by evil and she will finally give into our love and then I will torture and kill her sisters and we'll live happily ever after.
Demon: Sir, I thought the point of all this was to give you the power to reorganise the Underworld above ground.
Cole: Yes, it is, it is. But to be united, evil must have a happy leader and for me to be happy, I need... (Phoebe walks in carrying a picnic basket.) Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I came to see you, baby. I thought we could have a little picnic.
(She walks over to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.)
Cole: Kaia, what the hell do you think you're doing?
(Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.)
Kaia: Damn, how'd you know it was me?
(She curls her hair around her finger.)
Cole: Well, for starters Phoebe hates me and she doesn't drink and she uses a little less tongue.
Demon: Since when does a stripper follow a guy back from work?
Cole: Hey, hey, hey, Dex, go easy, she's got a little crush.
Dex: With all do respect, sir, Kieran demons are manipulative vixens and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond a little crush.
Cole: Sure, she can smell power, can't you Kaia? Maybe she wants to be my new queen.
Kaia: Just send this one away and I'll prove my worth.
(She strokes his chest.)
Cole: I'm afraid I can't, I'm in love with someone else.
Kaia: But I can give her to you, I can be her.
Cole: No. You're good for the occasional dance but beyond that I need the real thing.
Dex: Alright, you heard him, get out and stay gone. Otherwise, I'll make sure you do.
(Kaia storms towards the door.)
Cole: Not like that. Go out the way you came in. In this office we keep up appearances.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Phoebe: You want me, I can feel it.
(She leaves.)
Dex: Insolent.
Cole: Hot though.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: P3. Piper, Leo and the Health Inspector are there. The Inspector has stamped a file saying 'condemned'.]
Piper: Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Come on, you've gotta give me another chance.
Health Inspector: And why is that?
Piper: Because, because, because...
Leo: Because we've been in business nearly four years and we haven't failed an inspection yet.
Health Inspector: Well, I'd have to disagree with that, Mr. Wyatt. You've failed two this week.
Piper: Yeah, but this week has been bad, like strangely bad and we'll have the plumbing fixed tomorrow so can't you just come back then?
Health Inspector: Well, your record has been impeccable until now. (A rat squeaks and crawls past his feet.) Whoa, hello. (Piper gasps.) Rats too.
Piper: No! No, we don't have rats. They don't live here. They're just, they're just trying to ruin my life.
Health Inspection: Rodent infestation takes longer than a day to clear up. Close down, address the problem, and we'll schedule another inspection in a few weeks.
Piper: I won't need another inspection in a few weeks because if I stay closed that long, I'll be out of business.
Health Inspector: Sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Leo: Alright, well, I'll show you out.
(Leo and the Inspector head for the door. Piper grabs a broom.)
Piper: Where are you? (She chases the rats with the broom.) I hate you, I hate you. Go home! Get out of here you plague spreading, club ruining rodent. I will get you!
(She tries to blow up the rat but misses and gets a chair. Leo walks back in.)
Leo: Piper, what are you doing?
Piper: Diminishing the rodent population obviously.
Leo: Come on, honey, we're gonna get through this.
(Piper goes over and sits on the stairs.)
Piper: Yeah, we will but the club won't. How can this be happening? I mean, I know I've neglected the club since I've been pregnant but not this much.
Leo: These things happen, it's just bad luck.
Piper: No, it is more than bad luck, it is sabotage, it is... it's demonic.
Leo: What?
Piper: Well, yeah. Phoebe's lawsuit, Paige's accident... Well, that's it, it's all part of it, it has to be.
Leo: Why?
Piper: Because I said so and if not, we're losing the club which is just not an option.
(Piper and Leo leave the club. The rats turn into two demons.)
Rat Demon #1: Damn. She missed me by this much.
(They blink out.)
[Scene: Police Station. Paige, Darryl and a cop are there.]
Cop: This way, Ms. Matthews. (The cop stands Paige next to a wall with the lines to measure her height. He walks over to the camera.) No film.
Darryl: Try the filing cabinet. She's not going anywhere.
(He walks away.)
Paige: Why, why am I not going anywhere? You've always helped us before.
Darryl: With your other problems. This is not others.
Paige: I am not so sure.
Darryl: Paige.
Paige: I didn't do what they're saying I did. And if anybody is trying to set me up it would be a de... others.
Darryl: Officer Garcia is not others, nor is he in league with any others, he's a good cop and he saved my ass on many occasions.
Paige: Oh my god, I think I see what is going on here. Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's club... You have to get me out of here otherwise it's just going to get worse.
Darryl: Listen, I am a Lieutenant now, I can't just bend the rules like I used to. (The cop comes back with film. Darryl hands Paige a board with her name on it.) Even if I could, this is legal problems. I-I can't just make those go away.
(Paige holds up the board and the cop takes the photo.)
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.]
Elise: We can't just make it go away. She have a strong case for malice.
Phoebe: I don't understand. How does she have a strong case?
Elise: She is claiming that a result of your own bitter divorce, you've made it your mission to destroy other marriages.
Phoebe: That is ridiculous.
Elise: (reading from newspaper) "If you have any doubts, any doubts at all, I suggest you flee at the speed of a baby cheetah at suppertime."
Phoebe: I was using hyperbole.
Elise: I know that. But she's collected dozens of similar clips and she's threatening to go to the press with her story. And as a newswoman I can tell you, it's a good story.
Phoebe: Okay, well, isn't controversy good for sales?
Elise: It may be good for the enquirer but I've worked very hard to build this paper into a respectable news source.
Phoebe: Can't we just pay her off? We have to have insurance for this type of thing, right?
Elise: She doesn't want money. She wants you fired. It's like she's on some kind of vendetta. I'm sorry, Phoebe, I have to suspend you without pay while our lawyers try to work this out.
(Phoebe gets up.)
Phoebe: Cole.
Elise: Excuse me?
(Phoebe leaves.)
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the front door to let Darryl in.]
Piper: Darryl, have you heard from Paige? Because she was supposed to come straight home from the hospital but...
Darryl: Paige is in jail. We tried to call you but...
Piper: What? For, what for?
Darryl: Reckless endangerment and felony hit and run.
Piper: What?
(Suddenly, Paige orbs in.)
Paige: Oops.
Darryl: You have got to be kidding me.
Piper: Paige, Darryl said you were in jail.
Paige: Oh, I am. I mean, I was, I will be. Just as soon as I figure out what demon is doing this to me.
Darryl: You just disappeared from jail?
Paige: No! I put pillows in the bed first. It always worked at my parents house.
Darryl: Paige!
Paige: What? You weren't gonna help me so I had to help myself. Whether you believe it or not, there is a demon behind this.
Darryl: At two o'clock, they're gonna come get you for your bail hearing. If you're not there, that's my ass. Everybody knows we're friends. They're gonna just think I let you go.
Paige: I will be there at two o'clock.
(Darryl leaves.)
Piper: See ya.
Paige: Okay, he hates me.
Piper: Yeah, he does. But for what it's worth I'm with you. Leo's doing the Elder thing.
Paige: Oh, let me guess, you didn't pass the inspection?
Piper: Nope.
Paige: Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Our problems are legal, right? Who's the only demonic lawyer we know?
Piper: Cole. And he has gone off the deep end lately. But how is ruining our lives gonna help him get Phoebe back?
Paige: I don't know. But until we figure it out we should keep her out of it.
[Scene: Cole's office. Cole is there sitting at his desk. Phoebe barges in, angrily.]
Phoebe: You slimy son of a bitch.
Cole: Phoebe, is that you?
Phoebe: What are you? Evil and blind? Yeah, it's me. (Cole slowly covers over the manor's blueprints with some files.) Look, why don't you just admit that you're behind this. Admit it so I can use magic to fight you.
Cole: I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
(She slams the door shut and walks over to his desk.)
Phoebe: Look, Cole, my career is the most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan to take it away from me so that I come running to you for comfort?
Cole: Phoebe, I love you and I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you? Or-or your boss, perhaps? (Phoebe gets so mad she throws all his files on his desk up in the air.) Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Phoebe: I might not be able to use magic but...
Cole: You're sexy when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again.
Phoebe: Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you, I hate you. Do you get that?
Cole: Hate is good. It's passionate, intense, it's-it's-it's a breath away from love. (Phoebe laughs and throws a few more papers in the air before she spins around and leaves.) Ah, she's great.
[Cut to the hallway. Phoebe storms passed Kaia, who's sitting in a chair, covering her face with a magazine.]
[Cut to Cole's office. Kaia walks in.]
Cole: What do you want?
Kaia: Just to give you want you want.
(Kaia morphs into Phoebe.)
[Cut to the elevator. Phoebe is impatiently waiting for the doors to open. She gives up and uses the stairs. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out. They head for Cole's office.]
Piper: So what are we gonna do?
Paige: We're gonna tell him we're on to him and it's not gonna work.
(They walk into Cole's office and see Cole and Phoebe making out on his desk. They watch in shock.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside Cole's office. Hallway. Piper and Paige are there, looking grossed out.]
Paige: I can't believe I saw what I just saw.
Piper: Well, believe it 'cause I saw it too.
Paige: How, why is she kissing him?
Piper: I don't know but I say we go back in there and we pull her out by her hair.
Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. Okay, we need a plan.
Piper: Okay, here it is. We go home, we vomit...
Paige: And?
Piper: That's all I got so far.
Paige: Okay.
[Cut to inside Cole's office. Cole and Kaia/Phoebe stop kissing.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, come on, baby, it was just getting good.
Cole: Not good enough. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe and you should stop trying.
Kaia/Phoebe: You're right. I'll never be as good, I'll be better. I know tricks the real Phoebe's never even heard of before.
Cole: I've been patient with you up until now. This is the last time I'm gonna say this. Leave and don't come back.
(Phoebe morphs into Kaia.)
Kaia: You don't know what you're missing.
(She leaves.)
[Cut to the lobby. Dex is waiting by the elevators. Phoebe walks past him and he grabs her.]
Dex: Hey! What did I tell you? Cole has some serious work to do and I will not have you distracting him.
Phoebe: Cole... What the hell? Who are you?
Dex: Get it through your thick head. The leader of the Underworld will never have a whore as his queen.
Phoebe: Did you just call me a whore?
(Kaia walks out of the elevators.)
Dex: Kaia?
(Dex shimmers out with Phoebe.)
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.]
Leo: There's not, there's no... Are you sure?
Paige: Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole tongues locked, hands groping all over each other.
(She shivers.)
Leo: Okay, didn't need the visual.
Piper: Well, maybe he has her under some kind of mind control. I mean, he can do that, that's possible, right?
Leo: Right. I think right now he could do pretty much anything he wanted.
Piper: Why? What do you mean?
Leo: Well, the Elders have sensed a major surge in demonic activity. They think that evil is organising under a new leader.
Paige: Oh, that's just great because the last time Cole was the leader of the Underworld, he took Phoebe as his queen and we were completely blindsided by it that time too. Oh my god, that's why she didn't want me to try to vanquish him.
Piper: She was talking this morning about being tempted.
Paige: She was trying to warn us and we didn't even see it.
Piper: Okay, this just can not be happening, people. I mean, Phoebe would not do this to us. I mean, it can not, can not, can not be happening!
Leo: Okay, let's just calm down, okay. The last time Phoebe was evil she was under the influence of her demonic pregnancy.
Piper: So what, you're saying you think she's pregnant again?
Leo: No! I just think that maybe we're underestimating her. Maybe there's something that we're missing.
Piper: Ugh.
Paige: We saw what we saw.
Leo: Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell. Or-or maybe there was some information that she wanted and she was using s*x as a tool.
Piper: Okay, I like the sound of that. Slutty and manipulative, that's better than evil any day.
Leo: So let's not panic. Let's talk to Phoebe and give her the chance to explain what's going on. (The clock chimes two o'clock.) By the way, Darryl called.
Paige: Oh.
[Cut to the police station. Jail cell. Paige orbs in bed. Darryl and a guard approach the cell.]
Darryl: She's not ready.
Guard: The judge won't wait.
Darryl: Paige?
(The guard unlocks the gate. Paige gets out of bed.)
Paige: Oh, hey, guys, what took you so long? (She walks out of the cell.) Coming, Darryl?
[Scene: Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Dex are there. Dex has a hold of Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Ow! Hey!
Dex: I wouldn't have to hurt you if you stopped trying to get away.
(Cole appears in the room.)
Cole: What happened?
Dex: I mistook her for the other one and I said too much. I thought I'd bring her here until the end of the operation.
Cole: Good thinking.
(He throws an energy ball at Dex and vanquishes him.)
Phoebe: Well, as much fun as this has been...
(She heads for the door.)
Cole: I'm sorry, Phoebe, but Dex is right, I can't let you leave.
Phoebe: Leo!
Cole: Save your voice. This place is magically protected. I can't have you people sensing what I'm doing in here. (He waves his arms and the windows and doors glow.) Now all the windows and doors are blocked. Please, sweetie, just trust me on this one, I don't want you getting hurt trying to escape.
Phoebe: Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie.
Cole: You know, I didn't intend this. I just can't have you running off to your sisters and protecting the Nexus, okay? It is way too important for us.
Phoebe: Wait, the Nexus?
Cole: Dex didn't tell you about that?
Phoebe: No, no he didn't. He just told me you were trying to reorganise the Underworld.
Cole: Oops. Don't be mad. I only want the Nexus so that you can come back to evil and we can be together.
Phoebe: Uh, Cole...
Cole: I'm so sorry, I had to involve your work. I just needed you distracted while I ruined Piper's club and put Paige in jail.
Phoebe: Paige is in jail?
Cole: Listen, I'd love to stay and chat but all this considered I need to speed up my plan.
Phoebe: Well, Cole, my sisters are gonna realise that I'm missing and Leo is gonna try to sense me and when he can't they're gonna come straight to you.
(Cole laughs.)
Cole: Um, thanks for the concern, but I think I've got my bases covered.
(Cole waves his hand and Kaia (morphed into Phoebe) appears beside him.)
Kaia/Phoebe: I knew you'd want me again.
Cole: Ignore her.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, no, not god, Kaia!
Cole: Just listen to her voice.
Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Are-are you sleeping with me? I mean, her.
Kaia/Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help.
Cole: Good.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh my god.
Cole: Excellent. Come on, Kaia. (They head for the elevator. Cole picks up Phoebe's purse on the way.) Ooh, I'm gonna need this. (to Phoebe) There's some left over Chinese food in the fridge.
(They walk into the elevator.)
Kaia/Phoebe: So if you don't want me, then what do you want?
Cole: I want you to go to Phoebe's house and pretend to be her for a while. Do your job well and you'll be amply rewarded.
Kaia/Phoebe: For a while. (She curls her hair around her finger.) Why not just get rid of her and I could take her place forever.
Cole: Beside from the fact that I love her, Phoebe is a Charmed One. She's protected by her powers, you can't just kill her, so don't get any silly ideas. And stop playing with your hair. Phoebe's more sophisticated than that. Now, go to the house and lay low for a while. I just need a little time to speed things up.
(Cole disappears.)
[Cut to the hospital. A room. The driver from the other car in Paige's accident is lying in a bed. Cole appears and walks over to her.]
Cole: Did you sustain your injuries in an accident with Paige Matthews?
Driver: Um, yeah, I guess that was her name. What are you, a lawyer?
Cole: Yeah, that and other things.
Driver: What?
(Cole touches her forehead and she gasps for breath. She dies.)
Cole: Sorry. Nothing personal.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Kaia/Phoebe walks in through the front door. Piper and Leo walk in.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, uh, hi, Piper.
Piper: Don't you hi Piper me. I saw you.
Leo: I thought you said you were gonna be calm.
Piper: I am calm.
Phoebe: You saw me what?
Piper: Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Kaia/Phoebe: Trust me, it's not an act.
Piper: We saw you making out with Cole.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, well, that's just not possible, you see, because I'm pretty sure that I hate Cole, right?
Piper: Phoebe, I am pregnant, I am emotional and I am freaking out. And if you are back together with Cole then that is just fine but do not deny what I just saw.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, alright, then, uh, I'm back together with Cole.
Leo: What?
Piper: What? How can you say that?
Kaia/Phoebe: Wh- I thought you said it was fine?
Piper: Well, I didn't mean it and for god's sakes the man mummified you.
Kaia/Phoebe: Whoa, seriously?
Leo: (whispers in Piper's ear) Something's not right, her memory seems gone.
Piper: Okay, that's a good sign. Now Phoebe, try and focus. Does Cole have you under some kind of spell?
Kaia/Phoebe: Maybe.
Piper: Maybe, maybe is good. Because magic we can fight, lust, desperation, insanity we can not fight, but magic we can fight.
Leo: Unless you've used your powers for evil.
Piper: Which you haven't, have you?
Kaia/Phoebe: No, no, I don't think so and that would be the worst thing ever, right?
Leo: Oh, yeah, we couldn't bring you back from that.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, so this is what we have to do. You have to take away my powers so I don't misuse them.
Piper: Yes. She's not evil, you're not evil.
Leo: So you think Cole has you under his control?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, yeah, why else would I have kissed Cole? Oh my god, what has he done to me?
Piper: Oh, no, honey, it's gonna be okay.
Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, it is going to be okay, it's going to be okay once you take away my powers, you know, just to be safe.
Leo: Piper, if you take away her powers she's going to be really vulnerable.
Phoebe: But you guys can protect me, right?
Leo: Well, I don't know. If Cole is reorganising the Underworld, you're gonna need the Power Of Three.
Piper: No, as long as we're the ones to take it away we can bring it back but if Cole's got Phoebe under his control...
Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, she's right. I am my own worst enemy. The sooner we weaken me the better.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe throws a candlestick at the window and it rebounds off the force field.]
Phoebe: Leo!
(She looks up and notices an air vent in the roof. She levitates up and grabs onto it, trying to pull it open.]
[Cut to the manor. Parlor.]
Piper: "This witch's power can not fight, the lure of evil's magic might, before misuse lands her in hell, remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell."
[Cut to Cole's apartment. A light floats out of Phoebe and she falls to the floor, hard, knocking her out.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe and Leo are there.]
Piper: Well, it wasn't my best work but it should've done the trick. Are you okay?
Leo: How do you feel?
Kaia/Phoebe: Um, fine.
Piper: So the spell worked?
Phoebe: Why wouldn't it?
Leo: You know, maybe you should try it out. Try levitating.
(Phoebe puts her arms in the air.)
Piper: What are you doing?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, I just thought I'd try everything.
Leo: So you can't levitate?
Phoebe: No, apparently not. That means the spell worked, right?
Piper: I don't know, you're still kind of weird. Maybe the spell had a side effect?
Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I just feel sick because I had to kiss Cole.
Piper: Ah, that's my girl.
Kaia/Phoebe: Yeah, maybe I need to go and rest for a little while, you know.
Leo: That's a good idea.
[Time lapse. Phoebe's bedroom. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe walk in.]
Piper: Okay, honey, why don't you just lay down for a little while. Do you want some tea or something?
Kaia/Phoebe: Tea sounds great.
Piper: Tea, yes.
(Piper leaves the room and closes the door behind her.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Tea. Who drinks tea? (She locks the door and walks over to the dresser. She opens and drawer and pulls out a knife.) Knife in the panty drawer. My kinda girl.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe is still on the floor, unconscious. Kaia/Phoebe appears.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Poor little witchy lost her powers. I should just put you out of your misery.
(Cole appears. Kaia/Phoebe quickly tucks the knife in her pants.)
Cole: What are you doing here?
Kaia/Phoebe: I thought I should tell you that they know you're trying to reorganise the Underworld.
Cole: I didn't ask you to report to me. What were you doing to Phoebe?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, she's lying in the middle of the room, I was making sure she's okay.
Cole: Since when have you been worried about her well being?
Kaia/Phoebe: Since she means so much to you. What, do you actually think I'd be stupid enough to hurt her? That wouldn't make you happy, baby, and you know all I wanna do is make you happy.
Cole: If you want to make me happy go do the job I asked you to do.
Kaia/Phoebe: Fine, bossy boots. Whatever gets you off.
Cole: And when the time comes, make sure Piper goes to the bail bondsman. She'll refuse at first but you can convince her.
Kaia/Phoebe: The bail bondsman?
Cole: You'll figure it out. Now go.
(Kaia/Phoebe disappears. Cole walks over to Phoebe and picks her up. He carries her into his room and lays her on the bed. He kisses her and disappears. Phoebe wakes up.)
[Cut to the manor. Hallway. Piper is there knocking on the door to Phoebe's room.]
Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe? (Phoebe opens the door, wearing headphones. She takes them off.) Didn't you hear me knocking?
Kaia/Phoebe: No, I was listening to music to help me relax.
Piper: Why was the door locked?
(Leo walks up behind them.)
Leo: That was Paige on the phone, things just got a whole lot worse.
[Scene: Police station. Jail cell. Paige is sitting on the bed with a blanket wrapped around her. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Leo and Darryl are standing outside of the jail cell.]
Piper: How did she die? I thought it was just a concussion.
Darryl: The doctors think there was a blood clot in her brain.
Paige: It's all my fault.
Piper: No, it isn't.
Paige: Yeah, it is, I killed her.
Piper: No, you didn't, Cole did.
Darryl: What?
Piper: Look, I can't prove it but we found out that he has Phoebe under some kind of mind control, which means he's probably behind all of this.
Kaia/Phoebe: That evil b*st*rd.
Paige: He's killing innocent people.
Piper: Alright, let's get you outta here. Come on, open this thing up.
Paige: It's not gonna be so easy.
Piper: Why?
Darryl: When the other driver died, the judge charged Paige with vehicular homicide. He set the bail at fifty thousand dollars.
Piper: Oh my god, where are we gonna get that kind of money.
Leo: It's after six, the banks aren't even open.
Kaia/Phoebe: Bail bondsman. We'll just go to a bail bondsman.
Darryl: Just go. Do that light thing that you do. I will try to cover for you.
Paige: What about your job?
Darryl: It doesn't matter. You know, I should've believed you in the first place. I will cover for you.
Phoebe: No, because if they figure out that Paige is gone, she will be in even more trouble. We'll go to a bail bondsman, that's what they're there for.
Piper: Okay, maybe you're right but you don't have to be so cheerful about it.
Phoebe: I'm just saying we can't leave Paige in jail overnight. You know, that's exactly what Cole wants, I'm sure.
Darryl: For that kind of bail you're gonna need some heavy duty collateral.
Leo: We can't use the club, 'cause it's, you know.
Piper: Then we'll have to use the house.
[Time lapse. Bail bondsman Office. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Cecil, the Bail Bondsman is sitting at his desk.]
Cecil: This will cover the fifty thousand bail. Sign here and here. And, uh, I'm gonna hold on to the grant deed to your house. You'll get it back when the jail bird shows up for court.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, it'll be fine. Paige won't skip bail.
Cecil: Alright, just, uh, sign there.
(Piper signs the paper.)
Piper: This doesn't feel right.
Cecil: It never does, lady, it never does. There's the receipt. Hold onto it. That's it. Your sister shows up for court you pay me back, plus ten percent.
Piper: Let's go make this worth our while.
(Piper and Phoebe leave the office. Cecil morphs into Cole. Cole looks at the deed, smiles and puts it in his pocket.)
[Cut to the manor. Foyer. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in.]
Piper: Okay, people, let's move. The sooner we destroy Cole's headquarters, the sooner I feel better about this whole damn day.
(They notice three demons lounging around in their living room.)
Paige: Piper, we've got a bit of a situation in here.
(Cole stands on the stairs.)
Cole: Oops, I knew I forgot something. My mother always warned me about protecting my house from orbing.
Piper: Your house?
Cole: Yes, (he pulls the deed out of his pocket) you signed it, I have it. You could take me to court, try to evict me but by then it will be too late.
Paige: Too late for what?
Piper: Cole, I don't know what you think you're doing, but we have the paperwork that says the house is ours unless Paige forfeits bail.
(Kaia/Phoebe holds up the receipt.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Correction. (She walks over to Cole.) I have the paperwork.
Paige: Phoebe, what's going on?
(Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.)
Piper: Oh, dear.
(Cole waves his hand and pushes Piper, Paige and Leo outside. He wiggles his fingers and the front door slams shut, activating a force field.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Cole and Kaia walk in.]
Kaia: I don't even get one little thank you kiss?
Cole: You did well and you'll be paid for your efforts later.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Is this what a girl has to do to get a little attention around here? She hates you. You said it yourself. So why fight for her when I'm here for the taking.
Cole: You know, Kaia, I haven't killed you yet because I find you mildly entertaining, but soon the real Phoebe will be by my side and I'm not too sure that she'll feel the same way. So in interest of survival, I suggest you make yourself scarce.
(Cole walks into the basement.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I'll just make her scarce.
(She disappears.)
[Cut to outside. The sidewalk. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is trying to sense Phoebe.]
Piper: Okay, I said something about hell and I rhymed it with Halliwell.
Paige: How can you not keep a copy of the spell you used to take away our sisters powers?
Piper: It was a crappy spell, okay? So I left it in the house, alright? Forgive me for not anticipating the demonic foreclosure.
Piper: What does he want in the house anyway? Is he after the Book of Shadows?
Leo: I still can't sense Phoebe.
Paige: Oh, god, do you think she's even still alive?
Piper: Cole wouldn't kill her. I don't think.
Paige: What about floozy Phoebe? Maybe she's got something up her sleeve?
Piper: Are you trying to help or are you just gonna ramble?
Paige: I'm just gonna ramble.
Leo: Alright, Paige, that's enough. Piper, you need to work on the spell. If Phoebe is still alive, she's gonna need her powers.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Phoebe is thrown against the wall.]
Kaia/Phoebe: You don't deserve him.
Phoebe: How many times do I have to tell you I don't want him.
(Phoebe attacks Kaia/Phoebe and she blocks Phoebe's kicks and punches.)
Kaia/Phoebe: (mocking Cole) I want the real Phoebe, I love the real Phoebe. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe. (The continue to fight and Kaia/Phoebe throws Phoebe against a mirror. Phoebe falls to the floor.) What do you think, witch? Am I as good as you? (She pulls out the knife.) Or better?
(Phoebe gets up.)
Phoebe: Okay, alright, look, I'm sure we can talk about this.
Kaia/Phoebe: I don't think so. See, (she morphs into Kaia) I'm more of a looker than a talker.
Phoebe: Oh, you're blonde, I should've known.
Kaia: This is gonna be fun. (A light hits Phoebe and her powers return. Kaia throws the knife at Phoebe and she levitates in the air.) Your powers!
(Kaia attacks Phoebe and Phoebe kicks her in the stomach, sending Kaia across the room. Phoebe grabs the knife and Kaia runs towards Phoebe. Phoebe stabs Kaia in the stomach.)
Phoebe: You were right, that was fun. (Kaia is vanquished. Phoebe levitates up into the vent.) Leo!
[Cut to outside the manor. Piper and Paige are there. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.]
Piper: Hi!
Paige: We're really sorry.
Piper: Yeah, we're sorry.
Paige: Sorry.
Piper: Are you okay?
Phoebe: It's okay, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm not mad. Well, maybe I'm a little bit mad. I mean, what took you guys so long and what happened to my powers?
Leo: Uh, well, she looked like you.
Paige: At the hospital you said you were tempted and that you didn't want us to vanquish him.
Piper: Then we saw you making out with Cole and we all got a little panicky.
Phoebe: Excuse me, did you really think I was making out with Cole?
Paige: We mentioned we were sorry?
Phoebe: You guys! Okay, well, I'm assuming since you're standing out on the street, that means Cole's in the house?
Piper: Yeah, but we don't know why.
Phoebe: He wants the Nexus.
Piper: Oh, no, he does not.
Paige: Wait, didn't I read about that in the Book of Shadows? Isn't that what made you evil before?
Piper: How does he know about that?
Phoebe: He knows everything about us. Okay, look, if he wants its power, he's gonna have to open the earth under the basement and take the shadow into him.
Leo: Okay, so how do we stop him?
Phoebe: Well, we can't, but once he has the shadow, there is a spell that can send it back into the earth and hopefully take Cole with him.
Piper: Yeah, but it has to be said over the Nexus in the basement.
Paige: Great, there's only a whole load of demons in the house and a force field keeping us out.
Phoebe: But the one good thing about Cole's little girlfriend, who is dead by the way, she looks just like me.
Paige: Wait a second, so you're gonna pretend to be her, pretending to be you?
Piper: If you go in there, you'll be vulnerable.
Phoebe: To turning evil? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's his plan. Look, you guys underestimated me once already today, please don't do it again.
Piper: She twirled her hair.
Paige: A lot.
Phoebe: She twirled her hair. Like this? (Phoebe twirls a piece of hair around her finger. Piper and Paige nod.) Okay, I'm going in.
[Cut to the porch. A demon guard is there. He rings the doorbell. Phoebe approaches him and takes his arm.]
Phoebe: Hey, baby, wanna escort a girl inside?
Demon Guard: Kaia, are you still playing good witch?
Phoebe: It's the way the big man likes it.
Demon Guard: Sick.
(The door opens and Phoebe and the guard walk in. The hallway is full of demons.)
Demon #1: Hey, look who it is.
Phoebe: Hi, boys, did you miss me?
Demon #1: Alright, the entertainment's here.
(A demon touches her butt and she jumps.)
Phoebe: Hey! Sorry. I'm just, you know, saving the goods for Cole. Take my jacket.
[Cut to the kitchen. A demon guard stands at the basement door. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Step aside and let a lady by?
Demon Guard #2: You're no lady, Kaia. And the boss sent you away.
Phoebe: Yeah, but he didn't mean it. Come on, let me past.
Demon Guard #2: I'll let you past if you can drop that witch act right now.
(Phoebe kicks him and he falls down the basement stairs.)
[Cut to the basement. Cole is there, chanting. The guard rolls down the stairs. Phoebe races down the stairs. The floor opens up and the shadow enters Cole. He gasps and his eyes turn black then return to normal.]
Cole: I'm so happy you came.
Phoebe: "I am light, I am one too strong to fight."
Cole: Oh, don't fight it, Phoebe. Let evil take you.
Phoebe: "Return to dark where shadows dwell, you can't have this Halliwell."
Cole: It's no use, Phoebe.
Phoebe: "So go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night."
(A tunnel of wind rises out of the hole in the floor and sucks Cole and the Demon Guard into the hole. It swirls upstairs and sucks every demon into the hole. The hole closes up.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe is there. Cole appears.]
Cole: My sweet Phoebe. I don't know how you did it. How you got past the force field, past the guards, but I love that you did. It's that fight that made me fall in love with you in the first place.
Phoebe: I thought you were dead.
Cole: So did I for a minute there but now that I know the earth can't even hold me, I guess I'll just call the shadow and try again.
Phoebe: You could do that. Hell, you could even turn me evil again. But you will never win because I'll never come back to you.
Cole: Phoebe.
Phoebe: You just don't get it, Cole, do you? I thought you were dead and I felt nothing. No pain, no love, nothing. I'm free. And when we do vanquish you, and we will, I'll never look back.
(Cole disappears.)
[Cut to the foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.]
Paige: Okay, where are they? Where are the demons?
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Sorry, my sweeties, but they're all dead.
Piper: You didn't even leave us one?
Phoebe: Well, there's one left. Believe me, there is one left. But I was able to get back the house and keep Cole from getting the Nexus.
Piper: Phew. What about your job? And my club?
Leo: I think you can use your magic to reverse Cole's consequence free.
Piper: Well, thank the lord for that.
Paige: It won't reverse everything though. What about the woman he killed?
Phoebe: I promise you he won't get away with that.
[Scene: Demonic Strip Bar. Cole is there sitting on a chair. A dancer walks up to him.]
Dancer: You asked for me?
Cole: Kaia's friend?
Dancer: Used to be.
Cole: She tell you want I want?
Dancer: You mean this?
(She shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Cole: Yeah, that's it.
(She moves closer and sits on his lap. She whispers in his ear.)
Dancer/Phoebe: You just tell me what you want, baby.
(Cole stabs her in the stomach.)
Cole: That's what I want, baby.
(The Dancer/Phoebe is vanquished. He looks at the knife and smiles.)