Michael: Ughh... Blech.
Dwight: OK, where does it hurt?
Michael: Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...
Dwight: No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body.
Michael: Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.]
Dwight: [reading from screen] "Abdomen. Menses."
Michael: Maybe.
Dwight: "The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it."
Michael: Not it. I don't have eggs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?
Michael: That's possible.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Uh-huh?
Pam: David Wallace is on line one.
Michael: The CFO? Ohh...
Michael: OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?
David: [on phone] Michael, I am calling---
Michael: And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there?
David: Jan is out of town right now.
Michael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes...
David: Michael?
Michael: ...you just gots to get your freak on.
David: Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
David: Michael?
Michael: Hmmm.
David: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate.
Michael: Really?
David: Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch.
Michael: Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.
David: That's not necessary.
Michael: May God guide you in your quest.
David: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely not wearing anything underneath] Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.
Michael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going.
Toby: It's Beach Day...
Michael: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Hey, want my sun screen?
Pam: Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece.
Toby: Uh-huh.
Pam: Thanks Toby.
Michael: Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you
Pam: I thought we were just having fun at the beach.
Michael: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?
Michael: I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: This way to the partay bus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [singing] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right." [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley: Oh, sweet mother of God.
Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!
Dwight: Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.
Dwight: I hope there will be management parables.
Michael: Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down?
Pam: Like what?
Michael: Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't...
Pam: Well... no, I don't... exactly... what?
Michael: Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Everyone put on sunscreen.
Michael: Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.
Oscar: What?
Michael: Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I choose Michael!
Michael: I'm not playing.
Dwight: OK, temp.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: We are going to choose team names. Dwight?
Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...[Kevin and Karen follow] Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!
Dwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you call my team.
Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team.
Stanley: No [crosses arms], the blue team.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: We will be team U.S.A.
Michael: Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.
Stanley: There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon.
Michael: Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking]
Oscar: Come on Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis' egg falls off spoon] Ahh...
Stanley: Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle]
Andy: Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. [Cheers]
Kelly: I don't want to hit the big rock!
Andy: Don't worry. You're not...
Kelly: I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it.
Andy: No where near the big rock.
Kelly: [takes off blindfold] I just don't want to get hit by it...
Andy: What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole.
Karen: Hole?
Jim: Yup. [Karen takes a big step] Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [to Ryan] Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
Ryan: Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore.
Dwight: What are you saying?
Ryan: You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race.
Dwight: OK, I apologize for yelling at you.
Ryan: That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team.
Dwight: I am trying to bring team spirit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Yes!
Karen: [lifts up blindfold] Oh my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking. [holds up notes]
Michael: [off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [at Ryan holding egg in spoon] Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you b*st*rd! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] What the? Damn it temp!
Andy: [begins to clap] Great job everyone, that was fantastic. [Michael sighs]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay Pam, I have another little project for you.
Pam: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?
Michael: Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it.
Pam: When's the contest?
Michael: Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes?
Pam: How am I supposed to... get...
Michael: Thanks a bunch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set.
Kelly: Can I have a turkey burger?
Michael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?
Oscar: Turkey is a healthy meat.
Dwight: It's very good for you. [overlapping talk from all at table]
Michael: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat!
Phyllis: Is there any mustard?
Michael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Michael: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.
Meredith: [eating hot dog] What is it?
Michael: I can't say.
Jim: You can't say, or you can't pronounce it?
Michael: The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world.
Kelly: Can we just take those first two things?
Michael: The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright?
Dwight: You're leaving?
Michael: I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up.
Andy: [slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast]
Stanley: Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis?
Michael: [points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!
Kelly: Team U.S.A.!
Andy: One came up.
Michael: 13 hot dogs, everybody!
Dwight: Damn it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [holding a fish with all the meat stripped off] Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
Dwight: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens.
Stanley: Uh, we don't have any safety mittens
Michael: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go.
Karen: Get 'em big boy!
Michael: Aaaaaand, go!
Karen: C'mon, Jim!
Stanley: [growly noises, Jim looks terrified]
Jim: What are you doing?
Michael: Nice, Stanley!
Stanley: [to Jim] Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight.
Jim: Yeah. No. Good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle] Gaaaaa....
Michael: One. Two. Three.
Dwight: Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!
Michael: Excellent!
Dwight: Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words.
Dwight: That's not why you lost.
Andy: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.
Dwight: Yeah, right.
Andy: Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! [Dwight and Andy wrestle]
Dwight: [bouncing off of Andy] Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [Trying to wet bandana, falls in water] Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody!
Angela: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them?
Andy: Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don't understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points?
Pam: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.
Michael: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.
Pam: I really doubt it, Michael.
Michael: Please just check.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [on cell phone] Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye.
Karen: Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well.
Jim: In well?
Karen: As well.
Jim: How would that work in well? I just want to know.
Karen: Yes. uh, huh.
Jim: Wait a minute.
Karen: That would be fine.
Jim: If this job is in a well, I don't want it.
Karen: [whispering] Cut it out!
Jim: I don't!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.
Stanley: How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus.
Michael: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.
Kevin: Are you going to try it?
Angela: I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.
Kevin: Angela, it is a million degrees.
Pam: I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?
Michael: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score.
Pam: I'd like to try it.
Michael: Pointless.
Pam: But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it.
Michael: Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Ji.. why not? C'mon.
Jim: Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.
Michael: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.
Jim: That's harsh.
Michael: Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [lying in water, car lights light up his location] Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Why don't you go Michael?
Michael: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.
Jim: And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself.
Michael: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay.
Pam: Do you want us to count to three?
Michael: Yes. Count to three, please.
Group: Three. Two. One.
Michael: Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one.
Group: One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael.
Michael: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?
Creed: On the go that's after three.
Michael: Okay.
Group: One, two, three, go!
Dwight: No! It's okay. I will do this Michael.
Michael: Don't, don't.
Dwight: [walking on coals] I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!
Group: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving.
Dwight: [standing still, on the coals] GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!
Michael: I'm not going to give it to you.
Dwight: [falling on his knees, then on all fours] Aaagh, aaagh!
Group: [yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals]
Pam: Michael, do something!
Dwight: Aggggh, that stings!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. "Outside Hire."
Angela: Or Mrs. "Outside Hire."
Michael: Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor.
Kelly: Who's Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He's a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who's Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She's from "What a Girl Wants."
Michael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got.
Jim: Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement.
Michael: You are being too modest.
Jim: Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.
Michael: Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us.
Dwight: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, "Describe your act." And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, "What do you call yourselves?" And the man says, "The Aristocrats!"
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [breathes deeply and runs across coals] Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [finishes story] I mean truly repulsive acts.
Michael: That is a very, very funny story.
Pam: [runs over after walking over fire coals] Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.
Michael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Group: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time!
Michael: WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!
Andy: Nice!


[Scene: The School Hallway. Dawson and Jack are walking down the hallway, when a student runs out in to the hall calling for people to follow him into the pool room.]
Student: Everybody! The swimming pool! You've got to see what they did to the swimming pool.
Student2: My!
Joey: You don't see this every day.
Mitch: What the hell is this?
Principal: That's my boat... And my dog.
Jack: Who could have possibly?
Dawson: [Laughing] I should have thought of this.
Joey: Dawson, while we do recognize your talent as a witty practical joker, I think that this is even out of your league.
Principal: Chester. Come here.
[Some students pull the boat to the edge and the dog hops off and walks up to Jack and sits down. Jack looks nervously down at the dog.]
Principal: Do you know that dog, Mr. Mcphee?
Jack: No. No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The School Hallway. An announcement comes over the PA and as the students are called they walk out into the hallway.]
Principal: [Over the P.A.] Will the following students please report to Principal Peskin's office immediately. Jack Mcphee, Zack Estrin, Dawson Leery, Dave Bussan, Pacey Witter.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. There is a montage of Jack, Dawson and Pacey being questioned by the Principal and Mitch.]
Principal: Process of elimination has made you one of the lucky 3 that I still consider to be a suspect in this crime. Now ,there's an easy way to do this, Mr. Witter, and there is a hard way.
Pacey: Well, seeing as I have absolutely no idea what crime you're referring to, I'll probably take the easy way.
Dawson: What, are you guys accusing me of something?
Mitch: You know that you're the last person I would suspect of being responsible for a stunt like this, but you can also understand why we would have no choice but to bring you in.
Jack: [Laughs] yeah. The dog fingered me.
Mitch: We're on your side, Pacey, but we got to get to the bottom of this mystery. And circumstances require that we at least consider you as a possible suspect.
Dawson: What circumstances would those be?
Mitch: Well, given that you're my son, it, uh, follows that you would have access to my master keys to the school, thereby placing you on a rather short list.
Principal: Mr. Witter, everyone in Capeside is aware of the rather sad fate of the late vessel true love, which, I believe, gave you access to the marine storage facility in the yacht club where my boat resided at the time of its boat napping, if you will. [Cut to Jack] Chester was taken sometime between 10:00 in the morning, when Mrs. Peskin let him out after breakfast, and noon, when she realized he was gone. So all you have to do is tell us where you were and who you were with yesterday morning.
[Scene: Gram's Front Porch. Jack is outside the porch door banging on it and calling to Jen.]
Jack: Jen! Jen, come on. Jen! Open the door.
Jen: Oh. Oh. I'm still asleep. And this is a dream in which you're heterosexual.
Jack: Yeah. These are for grams. Can you open the door, please? I got something way better for you.
Jen: Really?
Jack: Yes.
Jen: What could possibly be better than a dapper, young lad bearing a floral arrangement?
Jack: I talked to the guidance office. You know that community service, manual-labor thing you're supposed to be doing?
Jen: Oh, yeah.
Jack: I asked them if it was possible if you could fulfill your commitment by assisting me with my soccer team.
Jen: And what'd they say?
Jack: They said, "providing that kind of guidance for a kid "is exactly the kind of rehabilitating activity that your kind needs in order to mend her evil ways."
Jen: Jack, I think I'm more qualified to pick up trash on the highway than mold impressionable young minds.
Jack: Aw, come on. Look, I need you here. Every since Andie left, I've been barely getting by. I mean, the soccer parents have been completely unhelpful. And if that weren't enough, my star goalie broke his leg yesterday trying to jump off the roof of his house into his swimming pool.
Jen: Ok. All right. You've sufficiently plucked my heartstrings. I'll do it.
Jack: You're a goddess. Give these to grams when she gets back from church.
Jen: Ok.
Jack: Hey, I'll be back at 12:45 sharp to pick you up.
Jen: Where are you going? I--I can make eggs. Um-- I got to, uh, I got to meet Drue at the hardware store.
Jack: Why are you meeting Drue at the hardware store? Long story. It's a karma thing. Hey, I gotta run.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Mitch and the Principal are questioning Pacey to tell his tale.]
Principal: You say you didn't pull this stunt. Fine. Convince me. Tell me everything, every single thing you did yesterday.
Pacey: Yesterday. Now, let's see. Where was I?
[Scene: Outside the Capeside Police Station. Joey and Pacey are standing together by her truck talking while waiting for Doug to come out.]
Pacey: Where was I? Oh, yes. Right here.
Joey: Hey, pace.
Pacey: Mm-hmm?
Joey: You are a pushover. You gave in.
Pacey: No, I am not a pushover. I just felt the need to explore my options.
Joey: Pacey, for 5 years, your brother has been nagging you about spending a day with him observing police policies, and you've always told him to just stick it. Then you take some meaningless career aptitude test, and suddenly you're watching the lost episodes of cop rock and taking him up on his dubious offer.
Pacey: Well, don't you think I'd look sexy in a uniform? Hmm?
Joey: Beside the point.
Pacey: Oh, I don't think so at all. [Doug comes out waiting for him] Well, kiss me good-bye before I hit the rough-and-tumble asphalt jungle.
Joey: I'll pray for you, sweetheart.
Pacey: [Sighs] hi, Doug.
Doug: Hey.
Joey: Take care of this punk for me, will ya? See if maybe you can't straighten him out a little bit?
Pacey: Straight isn't a really big part of Doug's vocabulary, you know.
Doug: Yeah, that's funny. Hurry up. We gotta get going.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. The Principal and Mitch are questioning Dawson about his whereabouts.]
Dawson: Why are you staring at me like that?
Mitch: When I got up yesterday morning, you weren't at the house.
Dawson: Which proves that I kidnapped Chester? Aren't you guys working this whole, like, NYPD Blue angle a little hard? All right, um, in the morning, mom gave me a ride.
[Scene: Outside Mr. Brook's House. Gale drive Dawson up to his house and Dawson gets out of the car.]
Gale: Now, listen, get home as quickly as possible. I need you to find the keys to your dad's car, which I know you lost.
Dawson: No, I had them. I had them here last night. After I went to the movies and before I went out, I took them with me. I think.
Gale: Whatever. Just find 'em before he knows they're gone.
Dawson: Bye.
Gale: Have fun.
[Mr. Brooks opens the door and looks out at Dawson.]
Dawson: You summoned me.
Mr. Brooks: I have a study where I keep my archives, all my papers. Needs to be cleaned out, sorted through.
Dawson: Ok, but you're gonna have to pay me.
Mr. Brooks: Excuse me?
Dawson: I fulfilled my debt to you. I painted your house. I painted your fence. Your boat is fixed. We're even. It's over. So, I'll do this, but I'm gonna need some compensation.
Mr. Brooks: No.
[Dawson turns and begins walking away.]
Mr. Brooks: All right. I'll pay you what you're worth. Very little.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. The Principal and Mitch are questioning Jack about his Whereabouts and he begins his tale.]
Jack: I was doing a project for chem. with Drue valentine. You know him. We had to go to the hardware store to pick up some supplies.
[Scene: The Hardware store. Jack and Drue are walking down the aisle getting some of the pieces that they will need for their Chem. project.]
Drue: I can't tell you how touched I am by the way you've reached out to me lately, jack. So moving. To be honest, I felt sure you held me at least somewhat responsible for that whole mess with your sister.
Jack: Huh, whatever. Hey, you wanna go grab that paint?
Drue: What paint?
Jack: The paint. You know, for the project that we're doing. Come back to me, Drue. Look, all you gotta do is go get the paint and, um, and take this up to the register for me.
Drue: Why can't you do it?
Jack: Uh, one of the soccer goals on the field's falling apart. I gotta get some net, and if I don't fix it, nobody else will.
Drue: Must be weird.
Jack: What?
Drue: Being selfless.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. The Principal and Mitch are still trying to find out what they can from Pacey.]
Principal: Where did you go with deputy Witter?
Pacey: You mean my brother? Where do you think?
[Scene: The local Donut Stop. Pacey and Doug are seated eating, yep, that's right, donuts.]
Pacey: I'm shakin' my head in disbelief.
Doug: Don't judge a book by its prologue, wise-ass. There's plenty more coming up fast, more than any episode of cops could teach you, believe you me.
Pacey: Really?
Doug: Mm-hmm.
Pacey: Well, lemme brace myself for that.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Dawson is finishing up explaining what he was doing earlier in the day]
Dawson: And that's it. I spent the rest of the morning alone in the study.
[Door hinges squeak]
[Inside Mr. Brook's house, he is looking through some of the stuff and comes across his yearbook, and as he pages through it he comes to Mr. Brook's picture in it and reads]
Dawson: "Arthur Isaac Brooks. "Newspaper. Track and field. Aspiration to become a great Hollywood filmmaker." Oh, my god.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Dawson is still being questioned by Mitch and the Principal]
Mitch: Dawson, I think it's time we discussed your infamous ninth-grade senior pact for a minute.
Dawson: Dad, that was 4 years ago.
Principal: Wait, what pact?
Dawson: When I was in ninth grade, um, the seniors pulled a particularly lame prank. I think they graffitied the lockers and trashed the parking lot or something. It was embarrassing. And, uh, Pacey and I made a pact that when our time came, we would do it right-- the prank to end all pranks. We talked about it for years.
Principal: So it was you!
Dawson: No, it wasn't me. In case you haven't noticed, Pacey and I aren't exactly butch and Sundance these days. I didn't remember the pact until you sa
Principal: well? What is it?
Dawson: I can tell you I didn't do it. I can't speak for Pacey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Jack is back in the hot seat. Mitch and the Principal are back to questioning him again.]
Mitch: so, you picked up Jen at 12:45.
Jack: Mm-hmm. I think so. Did I say that?
Mitch: What time did you get to the park?
Jack: Um, I don't know. It was, like, 1:35-ish.
[Scene: The Capeside Soccer Field. Jack is trying to set up the net as Jen is watching him to see what he is doing, but getting in the way at the same time.]
Jack: Would you get your foot off the net?! Put your little doohickey
Jen: I got it. I got it. I got it. All right, piece of cake.
Jack: All right, I gotta take care of something. [He walks off] Molly! Double time. Over here.
[Jen tries to set up the net and gets herself tangled up and falls.]
Jack: [Chuckles] jeez.
Jen: I'm just fine.
Molly: What'd I do?
Jack: Nothing, nothing. Relax. Deflate.
Molly: What do you want?
Jack: Well, I've got some good news. After a careful review of all the players on the team, I have decided to offer you the position of goalie left vacant by Kip's injury.
Molly: Offering? Like, take it or leave it?
Jack: Yeah. Well, it's, uh, I mean, you know...
Molly: In that case, thank you, but no, thank you.
Jack: W-w-whoa. No, thank you? Wha
Molly: I'd really rather not.
Jack: Yeah, but goalie is--is
Molly: I'm left halfback. I like left halfback. I'd like to stick with left halfback, ok? Please?
Jack: Ok.
[Molly goes off and Jen comes up to stand with Jack.]
Jen: I like that kid.
Jack: Funny.
Jen: You know, she reminds me of me at that age.
Jack: No, she knows if I put her in goal, boys are gonna torture her out of spite.
Jen: Well, that's because kids like molly and myself tend towards the easier alternative, the one with the least opportunity for embarrassment rather than glory. Yeah. Unless, of course...
Jack: Unless, of course, what?
Jen: You get us really pissed off.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Now it is Pacey's turn to be grilled some more. Mitch and the Principal are still at it trying to figure out who did it.]
Principal: Now, let's cut to the chase, shall we? My boat was quietly removed from the storage warehouse behind the yacht club sometime between 12:30 P.M. And 5:15. Records indicate that you are the only senior who had access to that particular warehouse.
Pacey: And just what records might those be?
Principal: I'll be asking the questions, Mr. Witter. Ok.
Pacey: All right, I'll talk. But I gotta warn you, it's gonna be deathly boring.
[Scene: Inside the squad car. Pacey and Doug are sitting silently on the side of the road as Joey drives by them and honks the horn.]
Pacey: Doug?
Doug: Yeah?
Pacey: Do you ever find yourself sittin' out here at the edge of the highway in your squad car, you got your radar gun in hand, been out here for 4 hours in which only 3 cars have passed, all going under the speed limit, and wonder just what the hell happened to your life?
Doug: Pardon me?
Pacey: Well, seriously, man. Look at you. For all your Elliot Ness dreams and Harry Callahan aspirations, you're nothing. I mean, nobody. At best, you're the barney fife of this little podunk town. What's that?
Doug: Does this diatribe have a point, Pacey?
Pacey: I--no. No, not really. I'm just a little disconcerted by it all.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Once again Dawson is in the hot seat. They are still trying to find out everything he did the day before.]
Principal: So, at 12:00, you were still at the Arthur Brooks estate?
Dawson: Yes, I was. By 12:30, I was more than ready to get out of there.
[Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Dawson is still going through the stuff stached in the study when there is a car horn from outside. Dawson grabs his coat and heads for the door.]
[Car horn honks]
Mr. Brooks: Where do you think you're going?
Dawson: Oh, uh, home. I'm done for the day.
Mr. Brooks: The hell you are. If you think you can take my money and wander off to spoon with your girlfriend, you're sadly mistaken.
Dawson: She's not my girlfriend.
Mr. Brooks: If you're not back here within 3 hours, you can forget about being paid.
[Outside Gretchen is in the car waiting for Dawson. He goes and gets into the car with her.]
Gretchen: Your mom was stuck at the restaurant. She asked me to get you.
Dawson: Oh, so I'm a favor.
Gretchen: I didn't say that. [Chuckles] so, what was that about?
Dawson: Oh, it's about what a complete and total jerk he insists on being.
[Scene: The Capeside Soccer Field. Jack is telling about the soccer practice from the day before.]
Jack: [Voice Over] Jen's insight into the 10-year-old psyche seemed valid. And even though practice was ending and the kids had 2 hours of freedom before the game, I still wasn't ready to give up on molly playing goalie.
Jack: Molly. Molly, come here. You get any orange wedges?
Molly: One. Billy took the other one and smashed it into the ground.
Jack: Yeah, Billy's a jerk.
Molly: Just wait until I'm 17 and hot. He'll regret messing with me.
Jack: Look, molly, it doesn't matter if you're 17 or you're 45. These guys aren't gonna respect you unless you make them.
Molly: How do I make them respect me?
Jack: Look, molly, you gotta prove it to yourself. Ok? If you do that, if you believe that you're just as good as they are, I guarantee you the rest is just gonna take care of itself.
Molly: You find a goalie yet?
Jack: Nah.
Molly: Can I still have it?
Jack: Yep.
Molly: Fine. Bring it on. You know, you just totally pulled a fast one on me. But I'm gonna let it go because you're right. But that doesn't mean that I don't understand exactly what you just did. Just bring it.
[Scene: Dawson's Back Yard. Gretchen and Dawson pull up to the house to see Drue sitting on the steps waiting for him.]
Gretchen: Whenever I see that guy, I can't help but hearing the Darth Vader theme.
Dawson: Ha ha ha. I'm making an effort.
Gretchen: Not to be cruel, but why?
Dawson: Kind of a karmic decision. Thank you for the ride.
Gretchen: Just doing your mom a favor.
Dawson: Ha ha. Right.
[Dawson gets out of the car and she leaves. Dawson goes up to Drue.]
Dawson: Well, speak of the devil.
Drue: The devil appears.
Dawson: So, Drue, what brings you to my humble abode?
Drue: First I just wanted to extend my gratitude for last night.
Dawson: Oh, well, you know... We met at the movie theater. Common decency dictates I lend you 5 bucks for popcorn and ask you to sit with me. The burger afterwards was your idea.
Drue: Small to you, but significant to me. I'm just grateful to finally find at least one ally in this strange and eclectic hamlet. You may be my first.
Dawson: Well...Heh. I appreciate the thought, but you didn't have to come all the way down here just to tell me that.
Drue: Right. That's not why I'm here. You left these in my car, man.
[He hands Dawson the missing keys]
Dawson: Ah. Thank you. Thank--I-- you just saved me from, like, a solid hour of paternal lecturing.
Drue: It was the least I could do. And as I said, you know, you reached out to the new kid. What goes around comes around.
Dawson: That is so true.
[Scene: Sidewalk in the middle of town. Pacey is walking behind Doug as they are walking to someone's house.]
Pacey: Would I be out of line if I asked what we're doing?
Doug: Somebody stole a dog.
Pacey: How do you know it didn't just get lost?
Doug: We don't. The owner found some footprints in the dirt. It might be the gardener, but either way, we have to find this dog because it is a very important dog.
Pacey: So, wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Is this what you meant when you told me that I'd learn more from watching you than from any episode of cops? Wh--oh, come on. Don't tell me you're still angry at your little brother for that whole "wasting your life" shtick. I only sort of meant it. Honest.
Doug: I want you to listen to me very closely because I'm only gonna say this one time. If you ever in your life care about anything as much as I care about being an officer in this town, I will be shocked. If you ever in your life are as good at anything as I am at being an officer in this town, I will be shocked. If you ever in your life presume to judge me again, so help me god, I will beat the ugly right out of you.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Pacey has just finished telling his tale to Mitch and the principal.]
Mitch: So what you're telling me is that you were looking for the very same dog that you're suspected of having taken?
Pacey: Mitch, you are a sane and reasonable man, and it is obvious that I'm not responsible for this whole fiasco, so why are we still here?
Mitch: We're still here because a certain fresh detail has come to light which suggests that we must, at the least, account for all of your whereabouts yesterday.
Pacey: You discussed my ninth-grade pact with Dawson.
Principal: Oh, you remember the agreement, too, I see.
Pacey: Well, of course I remember it. It was my idea. But did it ever occur to you that my not-so-close acquaintance-slash- former best friend has hinted or possibly even implicated yours truly only to divert suspicion from himself?
Principal: Mr. Witter, justice is blind. If Dawson is responsible, we'll nail him... Just as we'll nail you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Dawson is being questioned about so much that he is beginning to question why he is still there.]
Dawson: How is it possible that we're still doing this?
Principal: I'll tell you how. Capeside high, a facility to which you have had intimate access, must've been trespassed upon sometime after 5:30 P.M. When the cleaning crew went home. There were no signs of forced entry, which implies an inside job.
Dawson: Dad, I was home last night. You saw me.
Mitch: At 10:00. Uh, just tell us about the prior 5 hours-- afternoon and evening, where you were, who you were with-- and I promise you we'll be done with this.
Principal: We'll be done with this when I've got my man.
[Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Dawson comes into the house to find Mr. Brooks sitting at the table eating his dinner.]
Mr. Brooks: Well, well, well, I'm surprised to see you here.
Dawson: Uh, you shouldn't. I work here.
Mr. Brooks: I don't think so.
Dawson: I thought we had an agreement.
Mr. Brooks: We did. You broke it. You're fired.
Dawson: On what grounds?
Mr. Brooks: You were playing footsie with your floozy when you're supposed to be doing a job. I guess I forgot you're just a hormonal adolescent.
Dawson: What do you possibly hope to gain by insulting my friend?
Mr. Brooks: I don't give a damn about you or your lady, but I do care about having my generosity taken advantage of.
Dawson: Look, just because you are alone and your life is full of abandoned dreams does not give you the license to inflict your pain on me.
Mr. Brooks: How dare you presume to understand me-- who I am, where I've been, what I've done? Now get the hell out of here.
Dawson: Fine.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Jack is back telling his tales of the day before.]
Principal: Well, you can go.
Jack: I can?
Principal: Mm-hmm. Just as soon as you tell us where you were between 5:30 last night and 8:00 this morning. Let's just stick to last night after 5:30.
Jack: Once again, as I've already told you, we had a game. It was our first playoff game.
[Scene: The Soccer field. Jack is getting everything going for the practice before the game. Jen comes up to join him.]
Jen: hey, jackers.
Jack: Hmm?
Jen: Militant peewee parents at 2 o'clock.
[Some soccer dads come over to him and Jen leaves. Gus does all the talking for them.]
Gus: Jack.
Jack: Gus.
Gus: We're hearing a strange rumor from our kids that you're gonna put the-- put that little girl in for kip as goalie.
Jack: Yeah. It's not a rumor. That's a fact.
Gus: Yeah, well, I'm afraid we can't allow that.
Jack: That's ok. You don't have to allow it. I'm the coach. It's my call.
Gus: Jack, I represent, uh, parents who kept their mouths shut when certain alarming personal details came to light. But, hey, this is not personal. This is soccer. So let me give it to you real straight, jack. You put the little girl in for goalie, we'll lose the game. We lose the game, you lose your job. Ok.
Jack: Yeah. I'll take that under advisement. Gus, if you fellas don't mind, I'd like to warm up my team.
Gus: Yeah.
Jack: Good. Thanks.
[They leave him and Jen comes back to join Jack.]
Jen: Ooh. Looks like pat Buchanan's posse.
Jack: You're not gonna believe this.
Jen: What?
Jack: They said they're gonna fire me if I keep molly on goal.
Jen: Are you kidding me? Jack, what are you gonna do?
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Pacey is continuing the tale of his day with his brother.]
Principal: W-wait a second. You couldn't find the dog, so your brother made you get in the back of the car? I'm confused.
Pacey: I was confused, too. It seemed so blatantly hostile, even for Dougie. Frankly, when he went in, I considered making a break for it.
[Scene: The Squad Car. Pacey is sitting in the back seat waiting for Doug and we can see that he is upset having to sit back there.]
Doug: Ok. All right.
[Doug and a gentleman come out of the store to the squad car, and the gentleman gets into the front seat as Doug puts his groceries in the back seat with Pacey.]
Doug: Well, mike, the guy in the back's not a perp. He's my little brother.
Mike: How goes it, junior Witter?
Pacey: It's been better.
[They arrive at Mike's House and Mike gets out of the car and starts to walk towards the door and Doug gets his groceries out of the back seat. Pacey looks to see Mike take a collapsible walking cane out of his pocket and set it up so that he can make his way the rest of the way to the door. Mike is Blind. You can see the guilt wash over Pacey's face.]
Doug: Why are you looking at me like that?
Pacey: Uh... No reason.
[Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Dawson comes back to the house and goes in to the study to confront Mr. Brooks.]
Dawson: [Voice over] An hour later, against my better judgment, I was back at the brooks house.
Dawson: Today, when I was going through your things, I found your high-school yearbook. Underneath the picture, the caption said that your life's ambition was to become a Hollywood filmmaker. Uh, a pretty striking coincidence, given that I've had the exact same dream for as long as I can remember.
Mr. Brooks: Good for you.
Dawson: It scared the hell out of me. 'Cause I don't ever want to be like you. I don't ever want to be the kind of person who pushes everything and everyone away from him. I don't want to be alone. And I know that you don't want to be alone, either. You can't get rid of me, Mr. Brooks. What you say and do to everyone else, it might work on them, but it's not gonna work on me. So I'm back. And I'm gonna finish the job that I was hired to do.
[Scene: The Soccer Field. Jack is watching the game unfold before his eyes and sees his team win.]
Jack: [Voice over] Before I could even realize what was happening, it was over. Somehow we'd won the game.
[Whistles blow]
[crowd whoops and cheers]
Jack: Come on! Hey! Whoo! Nice game, guys. Yeah, nice game. Good game. Congratulations, fellas.
[Gus walks over to Join Jack]
Gus: The kids played great. Jack, uh... Do you know anything about soccer?
Jack: Yeah. My team's just won the first playoff game. I'd like to think I know something.
Gus: Sure. Well, maybe you know that when a playoff game is tied, as our next game could be, a goal scored against us in previous games reflect on the eventual tally.
Jack: Excuse me.
Gus: If we tie the falcons on Wednesday, then the 3 goals that little girl let slip by will count against us.
Jack: Well, then I'll just have to win that game against the falcons on Wednesday.
Gus: That's where you're mistaken. You see, you can't beat the falcons on Wednesday, 'cause you're no longer the coach of this team. You're done, Mcphee.
[Gus leaves and Molly has heard it all. Her eyes tear up and she runs away from Caroline.]
Caroline: Molly!
[A little later with Jack and Jen talking about what just happened.]
Jen: They didn't.
Jack: Yep. Yeah, they just did.
[Scene: The Capeside Marina. Doug and Pacey come up to the closed gate of the Marina and Doug is shining his flashlight through the gate.]
Pacey: [Voice Over] It was a little after 9:00 when we got the call, and Doug and I headed out to the boat yard.
Pacey: You wanna go in, don't you? You know, I have the code. True love spent a couple nights in this motel, so I can just, uh...
[Pacey keys in the code and the Gate opens and they walk in. Drue comes out from behind the boats.]
Pacey: After you.
Doug: Mr. Valentine, what brings you here skulking through the shadows at this hour of night?
Drue: Anonymous phone call. Boat's missing.
Doug: Now, why would someone call you?
Drue: Well, they didn't, technically. They called my mother, and this falls under her jurisdiction, so she sent me out here to check it out. I called the police, which is why you are here now, deputy Witter.
Doug: Except what you couldn't possibly know was that we also received an anonymous phone call roughly 20 minutes before your call, which begs the question, how do I know you didn't take the boat?
Drue: Do you see a boat on me, man? I mean, you can frisk me if you want. I bet you'd like that. Come on, let's do the man dance. Well, ok. Well, then I guess I'm done, aren't I?
[Drue Leaves and Pacey goes to follow after him.]
Pacey: You know what? I think I'm gonna go, too, Dougie.
Doug: Hey, Pacey, I can't drive you home now, all right? This is official police business.
Pacey: That's all right. I'll get a ride with Drue. Hey, Drue, hold on a second.
Doug: Hey, news flash, Pacey. You hate Drue.
Pacey: Yes, I do, but it's only a ride home. And I'm trying to be a better person, just like you. Besides, it's a karma thing.
Doug: Yeah. Good-bye.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Pacey is finishing up his tales of the day before. Mitch and the principal are taking in what he has told them.]
Pacey: And that was it. Then I left with Drue.
Principal: And where did you go?
Pacey: Well, I wanted to grab a bite to eat. He said he was busy. He dropped me off at home. Within 25 minutes, I was sleeping like a baby.
Principal: All right, Pacey. You can go. Thanks for your help. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Pacey: Seriously? You're not just messing with me?
Mitch: Get out of here, pace, before he changes his mind.
[Pacey stands up]
Principal: Something else, Mr. Witter?
Pacey: Well, yeah, I was just thinking, honestly, I don't think Dawson did it, either.
Principal: Why's that?
Pacey: That guy's way too respectable to pull off that type of crime. At least not without my coaxing, you know? Just not that type of guy.
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Dawson is about to leave and has decided to stop and tell Mitch and the Principal something]
Dawson: Pacey might be cocky, but he's not an idiot. I mean, there's no way he would jeopardize his academic foothold for what was hardly the prank to end all pranks.
Mitch: Ok. Thanks.
[Dawson leaves.]
Mitch: Well, Dave. Satisfied?
Principal: Yes, Mitchell, I am. I'm very satisfied, indeed, considering that I know who did it.
Mitch: Really? Obviously. Well, it's clear you don't watch inspector Poirot on A&E.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Principal's Office. Drue is in the Hot seat with his mother standing behind him. Mitch and the Principal are there to talk with him now.]
Mrs. Valentine: There is neither rhyme nor reason that could account for your accusation that my son was a party to this practical joke. You gentlemen should be ashamed of yourselves.
Principal: All right, Mrs. Valentine. If you're finished, I'd like to explain to you exactly how we know that your son was responsible for this debacle.
Mrs. Valentine: Fine. This I have to hear.
Principal: At 10:30 yesterday, your son was in Harry's hardware store purchasing a canister of white paint identical to the kind that was used to scrawl the words "class of 2001" on the sail of my boat. At 1:30, he was at the leery residence returning Mitch's keys, keys that could have easily have been copied earlier that day at the hardware store, giving Drue access to my school. At 9:30, he made one final appearance, this time at the storage warehouse behind the yacht club, under the pretense of having received an anonymous phone call. Your son was conveniently present at all the necessary moments, he acquired the means and resources to do the job, and he had the time to pull it all off... Without a hitch. Anything I left out, Mitch? Hey, that rhymes!
Mitch: No, I, uh, think you've got it pretty much in the bag.
Mrs. Valentine: You conniving brat. I should have known after last year's ferret incident.
Principal: Well, Mrs. Valentine, one thing I've learned during my career as an educator is that, uh, children are fickle creatures.
Mrs. Valentine: Does a week of suspension sound like a fair punishment to you?
Principal: No. Try 2 weeks and, uh, probation for the rest of the year. You've got a history, Drue, that's proving to be quite telling. Ok, I think we're through here.
Mrs. Valentine: Oh! Drue, get my purse.
[Scene: The Capeside High Hallway. Drue is getting some books out of his locker as Joey walks by.]
Drue: [Laughs] Hey. Harry potter. Come here.
Joey: What's going on?
Drue: Send a message to the boys for me. Tell them that I admire the brilliance of their design. No, wait. Just tell 'em I said touché.
[Locker slams]
Joey: which boys? What happened?
Drue: Karma...Finally caught up with me.
[Scene: Outside the Police Station. Pacey is waiting for Doug and holding a box of Krispy Kreme donuts.]
Pacey: Look, I--uh, I just wanted to come by and say thanks for letting me do that whole ride-along thing yesterday. It was illuminating.
Doug: Have you ever said anything that wasn't lined with sarcasm?
Pacey: I'm admitting I was wrong, Doug. What you do, it matters as much if not more than any job I'll ever be able to hold down.
Doug: Well, that's interesting, considering yesterday, you didn't think it mattered at all.
Pacey: Well, now I think it matters. I mean, I know it matters to mike. I know it matters to some dumb kid you're gonna keep from killing all his friends in a car wreck when you pull him over for speeding and scare the crap out of him. And I'm guessing that it probably matters in a million other subtle ways that I, with the subtlety of an elephant in an antique shop, will never, ever notice.
Doug: Yeah, well, if it wasn't me doing the job, it'd just be somebody else.
Pacey: But it is you, Doug. It's you, and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss that. I mean, to be perfectly honest, I should be so lucky to someday ride shotgun with you.
Doug: I think that would be a mistake.
Pacey: Hey, you don't think I'd make much of a cop, huh?
Doug: No, not really, no. No. Pacey, I think that you're a daring original. I think you have a talent for flying in the face of conventionality, and I think that you were born to break the rules, not enforce them. And you know what? I actually admire that in you. I really do.
Pacey: What? Did my big brother Doug just admit that he admired me for the first time ever?
Doug: No, no, it's more like I'm just terrified at the thought of having to sit in that squad car with you for another minute.
[Scene: The office at the Leery Fish House. Dawson is sitting at the computer looking something up on the internet when Gretchen walks in.]
Gretchen: Whatcha doin', junior?
Dawson: Ahh, this thing brooks said to me yesterday kinda got me thinkin'. I mean, as much as I'm claiming myself to be an encyclopedia of filmic history, it just occurred to me that maybe...
Gretchen: Well, maybe what?
Dawson: Maybe there's something I'm missing.
[Gretchen looks over his shoulder to see what he is doing.]
Gretchen: Well, maybe he used another name. You know, like Art or Artie or something.
Dawson: What self-respecting artist would use "Artie Brooks" as their screen credit?
Gretchen: I don't know. I mean, don't people sometimes use abbreviations or nicknames like... I don't know, chief, ace, doc... Really.
Dawson: That great director, Chief Tarantino.
Gretchen: Ok, now you're just being mean.
Dawson: Hey, don't leave angry.
[Scene: Jack's House. Jack opens the door to find Molly and Caroline standing outside the door.]
Jack: Hey, Caroline, molly. Um, what's wrong?
Caroline: Um, molly asked me if we could come and see you today.
Jack: What is it, molly?
Molly: I'm sorry I got you fired.
Jack: What?
Molly: [Sniffling]
[Jack walks with Molly to sit on a bench]
Jack: now, what would make you think that my getting fired had anything to do with you?
Molly: [Crying] I heard-- I heard Billy's dad yelling at you after the game. And then today at school, they said if I would have stopped more goals, then you wouldn't have been... [Sobbing] I'm so sorry, jack.
Jack: It's ok. Look, uh, molly... They fired me because they--they disagree with who I am as a coach, not you as a player. They knew I was right about you. They just couldn't admit it. And you knew it, too, didn't you? Hmm?
Molly: Caroline said it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't believe her, because... Because I don't understand how anybody could fire you. [Sniffs]
Jack: I'm confusing to people like Billy's dad. But we can't hate people because they're different. We just have to try and forget about them and--and just go on being the best person that we can be.
[Scene: Dawson's House. Mitch opens the door to see Joey and lets her in.]
Joey: Is Dawson here?
Mitch: I'm not sure. You can check in his room if you'd like.
Joey: Thanks.
Mitch: Hey, Joey. If he is up there, tell him I know... And congrats.
[She looks at him then walks up to Dawson's Room to see Dawson and Pacey putting Paint and some other items into a trash bag.]
Joey: Ok, explanation time.
[Jack comes climbing through the window.]
Jack: It is a bitch gettin' up here without a ladder.
Joey: Ahh.
Jack: Joey. What's she doing here, guys? I thought that we were supposed to be doing this alone.
Joey: I knew it. The three of you. You did it, didn't you? You guys put the boat in the pool. You did it!
Pacey: Just calm down for a second. There's no reason to jump to silly conclusions. We didn't-- we didn't--we didn't pull the prank off.
Dawson: We--we have airtight alibis.
Jack: Yeah. Besides, we all know Drue did it.
Dawson: On the other hand, if we had wanted to pull off the prank, the three of us, that is... Jack could have swung by the Peskins' sometime after he met up with Drue at the hardware store. He would have had time to leave the paint he "accidentally" took home and Chester the dog, with the necessary food and water, of course, tied up to a tree at a rendezvous point.
Pacey: I could have gotten into the storage facility sometime after 1:30, when Drue dropped off the keys,
Dawson: and before 3:30, when I had to get back to Mr. Brooks' house. Pacey would have given me the code... And I would have had the Mitch mobile to tow the truck back to the same rendezvous point jack had been to earlier. I then would have left the boat and car with Chester and the paint. Later on, Pacey could have asked Drue to drop him off somewhere near the rendezvous point. And, once arriving at the location, Pacey could have gathered up all the essential materials and then taken the whole production into the pool at the gymnasium to finish off the job. And by 11:00, we'd be done, and everyone would still be none the wiser. Of course, that's only a hypothetical.
Pacey: Right.
Jack: The truth is that Drue valentine is, was, and will always be the lone arch criminal behind it all. Well, I for one am glad to see that this kid finally got what was coming to him for so long.
Joey: Karma.
Pacey: Exactly.
[Scene: In the middle of nowhere. Dawson and Pacey are burying the bag of stuff in the hole they dug in the ground.]
[Shovel scraping]
Pacey: what are you thinkin'?
Dawson: I was thinkin' we pulled it off. Heh heh.
Pacey: Ahh. I was thinkin' that something's been right tonight that hasn't been right for a long, long time. I just keep on forgetting why we're not still friends.
Dawson: You know it's not that simple.
Pacey: Course not. It's just that...
Dawson: I know.
Pacey: Let me tell you, Dawson, when you told me you'd never be able to trust me again, that was probably amongst the top 5 worst moments of my life.
Dawson: When I walked out on my back porch and saw you and Joey, that was my worst. Number one with a bullet.
Pacey: Do you think it's possible that someday I could convince you that maybe I'm the type of person that you could trust again?
Dawson: I would like to believe that it is.
Pacey: I gotta try. I'm not ready to give up on you.
Dawson: Well, if it doesn't work out, we can always just kill each other.