Stanley: This is ridiculous.
Phyllis: Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?
Michael: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight?
Jim: Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working.
Michael: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.
Dwight: Thank you Michael.
Michael: All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there.
Jim: I think you did.
Michael: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?
Jim: Oh, I-
Michael: You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Michael, what time should I be arriving?
Michael: Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy.
Andy: Hey-o!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: Hi.
Michael: Hello.
Jim: Hi.
Jan: How are you?
Michael: Come on in. Good to see you.
Jan: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?
Michael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?
Jim: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Michael: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Except driving.
Pam: We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine]
Jan: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with.
Michael: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
Pam: It's really nice.
Jan: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?
Jim: Tour, let's do the tour first.
Michael: Okay.
Jan: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?
Michael: Totally your call babe.
Jan: Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs.
Jim: Oh, you guys doing a little construction?
Michael: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Jan: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here.
Michael: Well, thats...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: This is my office.
Michael: Yep, never been used.
Jan: Not super exciting.
Michael: No.
Jan: And this is my workspace.
Michael: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say "Serenity by Jan"]
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael: As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
Pam: So you have an office and a workspace?
Jan: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell.
Jim: It's fire.
Jan: Uh-huh, Bonfire.
Michael: Bond.
Jan: Men love this one.
Michael: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue]
Jan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away.
Jim: Just like that.
Jan: Just like that.
Jan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.
Michael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Jan: [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Michael: Well, I-
Jan: Shame on you.
Pam: What a cute bench.
Michael: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Jim: Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.
Michael: It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down]
Jan: See, he fits perfectly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall.
Jim: Wow.
Michael: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.
Jim: What is that chestnut?
Michael: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.
Jan: It's pine.
Jim: Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.
Jan: Really?
Pam: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.
Jan: I bet you are.
Jim: Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.
Jan: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said "Honey keep the trophies."
Michael: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.
Jan: [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second.
Michael: I'll get it.
Jan: [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here.
Angela: [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no.
Michael: Okay.
Andy: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers]
Jan: Oh, how thoughtful.
Michael: Very nice.
Andy: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.
Jan: Aw.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with this?
Jan: How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?
Pam: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Jan: Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done.
Pam: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?
Jan: You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight.
Michael: When in Rome.
Jan: Do you have a preference, upstairs first?
Michael: Whatever you say babe.
Jan: Follow me.
Michael: All right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.
All: Cheers.
Michael: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim: What was that?
Jan: So music, should we turn some music?
Michael: Yeah that sounds good.
Jan: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.
Hunter's CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah.
Michael: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.
Jan: Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Angela: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump.
Jan: Joe Camel!
Andy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Pam: Montana.
Jan: Oh!
Pam: Joe Montana!
Andy: Yes! Yes.
Pam: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?
Michael: All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.
Jan: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?
Michae: What, no, I'm just making people laugh.
Jan: No.
Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan: I was watching Jim.
Michael: And he was laughing.
Jan: No smiling.
Michael: Look at him, he's laughing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Pam: Oh okay.
Michael: Well you don't need two of you to do that.
Jim: That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam: Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim: I don't know because I everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party.
Michael: That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
Andy: Michael, you're up.
Michael: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-
Jan: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes.
Michael: All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.
Angela: I don't know.
Jim: Katie Holmes.
Michael: No, Baah! But he's married to her!
Jim: Oh, Dawson's Creek.
Michael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
Jan: No rhyming!
Jim: Not really a rhyme.
Angela: Another clue, another clue.
Michael: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.
Angela: Those aren't helpful.
Jim: Tom Cruise!
Michael: No!
Andy: Time!
Michael: God, does anybody read the paper?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jan: [eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story babe.
Jan: Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!
Michael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil.
Michael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!
Angela: You shouldn't joke about that.
Pam: Is there more wine in the kitchen?
Jan: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close.
Angela: So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.
Pam: No, yeah. What?
Jan: Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam: Oh, are you joking?
Jan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Jan: Mmhmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Jim: Oh no she just put it in front of my face.
Michael: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan" What do you think about that?
Andy: Thought about it, I'm in.
Jim: I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?
Michael: I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler]
Dwight: Hello.
Jan: What are you doing here?
Dwight: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?
Pam: [whispering] Awesome.
Jan: What is he doing here?
Angela: Yes, What are you doing here?
Michael: Dwight is my friend.
Woman: We weren't invited?
Michael: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Jan: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.
Michael: Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
Jan: We saw Wicked.
Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid.
Michael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]
Jan: I hate my life.
Dwight: So can we come in?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Jan: [crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table]
Dwight: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?
Angela: I hate beet salad.
Woman: It's actually really good.
Dwight: Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.
Angela: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam: [whispers] Like... like what?
Michael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe.
Andy: Yeah it does.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
Michael: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?
Jan: Oops.
Michael: Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table]
Jim: [to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other?
Woman: I was his babysitter.
Pam: And now you guys are dating?
Dwight: Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.
Jim: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...
Woman: E-mail?
Jim: Nevermind.
Michael: Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay.
Jim: That's nice.
Michael: Everybody enjoying their meal?
Jan: Hey babe?
Michael: Yeah?
Jan: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.
Michael: No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan: Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud]
Michael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
Jan: At least he's an artist.
Michael: BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
Jan: [shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
Jan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
Jan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
Michael: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
Jan: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael: [yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]
Woman: I'm gonna get going.
Dwight: Fine. Get outta here.
Jim: It's getting late.
Michael: You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course
Dwight: Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?
Officer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?
Michael: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Officer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting.
Michael: Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Officer 1: You wanna press charges?
Michael: Would she get into trouble?
Officer: Yes. She'd be charged.
Michael: I will take the fall. I did it.
Officer 2: You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet.
Jan: [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him?
Officer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?
Dwight: [puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me.
Michael: Jim? Pam?
Jim: Oh... my apartment's on fire
Pam: [whispers] Flooded.
Jim: Flooded.
Dwight: You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me.
Michael: No.
Dwight: I'm gonna take you home Michael.
Michael: Nope.
Dwight: Alright. [leads Michael away]
Jan: Bye Babe!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.
Jim: You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad.
Pam: Hmm?
Jim: [holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cut to Michael holding his head out of Dwight's car]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cut to Andy and Angela in Andy's car eating Ice cream. Andy tries to steal a bite of Angela's. She rolls down the window and smashes it against his car]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Jan is watching Michael's cracked plasma screen TV and tries to fix his Dundie.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Michael and Dwight slow at a red light and see the woman at the bus stop, she waves to Dwight, who passes her by.]


: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Okay in Avatar when they have s*x in Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard: What's your point?
Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn't William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?
Leonard: Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that. You.
Sheldon: I won?
Leonard: You won.
Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It's not astonishing, more like inevitable. I'm not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I'm going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.
Raj: Well, good for him.
Howard: Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost. Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching Avatar in 3D. All are wearing 3D glasses except Raj.
Howard: Didn't it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull?
Raj: No.
Leonard: Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don't get glasses.
Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.
Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow.
Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don't want to forfeit the award? Well, you've got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard: Well, no, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, 'cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.
Sheldon: I'm not accepting the award.
Penny: Why not?
Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.
Penny: That's no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen's court.
Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I'll bear that in mind if I'm ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
Leonard: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: Where's 70 children when you need 'em?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it... oh, dear. (He faints.)
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: Don't trample me.
Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can't accept the award. With all due respect, I don't think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't need to start singing it. Yes, I'll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.
Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you.
Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?
Penny: Just sit.
Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.
Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven't figured out a way, and I'm much smarter than all of you.
Penny: Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, that is what I meant.
Penny: Okay, your problem is, you're trying to do this all by yourself.
Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.
Penny: Did I see X-Men?
Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.
Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don't know. If you're my X-Men, what are your powers?
Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.
Sheldon: That's not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?
Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.
Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don't know, some Indian meditation crap.
Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you're saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.
Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that's 24-7, buddy.
Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.
Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that's not a good name.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing.
Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet, you can't speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.
Sheldon: Okay, but don't punch me.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you'll get a surprise, and then she'd punch me.
Raj: I'm not going to punch you.
Sheldon: That's what my sister used to say.
Raj: Do you want to do this or not?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Proceed.
Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.
Raj: Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis.
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine. You're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
Raj: Then, put on a sweater.
Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: All right. You've paid for a sweater, and you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: A clothing store.
Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. Now, let's see what we've got. Ooh! This is nice.
Sheldon: It's only one colour.
Penny: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: That's a lot of money for only one colour.
Penny: Fine. Why don't you pick out what you like.
Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.
Penny: No, you're wrong. Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.
Penny: Where the hell d'you find that?
Sheldon: In the prom department.
Penny: It's ridiculous.
Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen's Court.
Penny: Please just try this one on.
Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph's.
Leonard: I'm sorry, I'll start again.
Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um, I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.
Leonard: Why don't we just talk?
Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.
Leonard: Why don't I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don't feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that's what's happening here?
Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You're just going to try to recycle Adler's doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph's. And she'd let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.
Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, "Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music." But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother's earlier "Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock 'n' Roll." I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.
Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?
Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown's aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.
Sheldon: Go on.
Leonard: It wasn't my fault. I had never seen my brother's project. And my mother could've told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.
Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you're angry with your mother.
Leonard: Damn right, I'm angry with my mother. For God's sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That's when the bed-wetting started again.
Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.
Leonard: For what?
Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.
Leonard: Wait, that's it? I thought we had a whole hour!
Scene: The award ceremony.
Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year's Chancellor's award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother, who couldn't be here tonight. Isn't that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She's proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That's what she calls him. Shelly, it's a pet name. You know what my mother's pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of... (continues as background noise)
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Penny: What's the matter?
Sheldon: I'm getting dizzy.
Raj: Don't worry. You're surrounded by your C-Men.
Sheldon: I can't do this. I'm going to faint.
Penny: Here, drink this. It'll relax you.
Sheldon: Alcohol? I don't drink alcohol.
Penny: Fine, faint.
Sheldon: I don't feel different, this alcohol's defective.
Penny: Here, see if this one works.
Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn't hear me. If you'd like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I'd like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.
Sheldon: I'm ready.
Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I'll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who's happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it's only 'cause I have no respect for the field. Let's get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? 'Cause we're scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what's the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium... Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium... Just the Asians! And lanthanum and osmium, and astatine and radium...
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?
Leonard: You might want to check YouTube.
Sheldon: What do I search?
Leonard: It's already loaded. Just hit play.
On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let's get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body's in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn't be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Uh-uh, give it a minute.
On-screen Sheldon: Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.


OPENING CREDITS
FLYOVER CARDIFF. Shot pauses and zooms in on an area of the city.
CUT TO EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Heavy rain pours down, it is dark. Floodlights come on and a body can clearly be seen lying in the street, SOCO (Scene of crime officer) and police officers are milling around the scene.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Two police officer's standing in the rain, a male and a woman. The male is holding a cup of coffee.
GWEN : Oh, hot. Gwen takes the coffee.
PC : Gwen, there's not enough. You didn't order. Gwen walks away towards another police officer.
PC (off camera) : What do I do now ?
GWEN (calls back) : Well I've only just arrived so tough. Who is it ?
PC ANDY : I dunno, some bloke. You going to stop over on Friday ?
GWEN : I dunno, what is it ? Drinks ?
PC ANDY : A bit of pizza I think.
GWEN : Might do, yeah. Police Officers move SOCO, "SOCO leaving scene" can be heard from the police radio.
PC ANDY : Ay ay, what's happening here then.
POLICE OFFICERS : On you go. Come on now.
PC ANDY : Move back if you could, thank you. He starts moving people back, moves away from Gwen who is left to watch on her own.
GWEN : Hey what's going on ? Gwen speaks in general to anyone then walks up to SOCO.
GWEN : Excuse me sir, what is it, what's happening ?
SOCO : Buggered if I'd know, it's orders from above.
GWEN : But the body is still there though, isn't it though. You can't just leave it.
SOCO : Move back they said. Clear the site. Special access they said.
GWEN : For who ?
SOCO : Torchwood. A black SUV pulls into the site. Four people get out, Jack, Suzie, Owen and Toshiko. They walk past the police and stand by the body, rain still pounding down.
GWEN : Who's Torchwood ?
SOCO : Special op's or something. He glances at Gwen's coffee.
SOCO : That hot ?
GWEN : Huh ? Oh yeah, have it. But they're not allowed in there, they could contaminate the evidence and all sorts. I mean how can they...
SOCO : Don't ask me. There's no procedure anymore. It's a f*cking disgrace. The SOCO walks away with Gwen's coffee. Gwen stares after him and then looks at the Torchwood team. Jack turns in her direction but does not appear to be looking at her. Gwen tries to see what they are doing. She looks up and sees a multi story car park.
INT. FLIGHTS OF CONCRETE STAIRS
Gwen runs up the stairs and into the car park a few floors up. She goes to the edge of the car park floor and leans over the balcony, and starts to watch and listen to them. Gwen overlooking body and Torchwood team.
EXT. ALLEY NEXT TO THE BODY
Torchwood around the murder victim.
JACK : There you go, I can taste it, oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. (He looks up slightly, dripping with rain). You take the pill flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminises the fish. Suzie pulls a gauntlet from a crate and puts it on.
JACK : Goes all the way up into the sky and then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again. Jack looks at Suzie.
JACK : How's it going ?
SUZIE : Nothing yet, its got to connect. I just gotta feel it.
OWEN : Then hurry up and feel it. Freezing my arse off here.
SUZIE : I can't just flip a switch ! It's more like access, it, it grants me access.
OWEN : Whatever that means.
SUZIE : It's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. The glove starts to glow, working.
JACK : Positions...
OWEN : If I get punched again, I'm punching him right back.
JACK : Just concentrate. Suzie... Jack nods at her and then Suzie places her hand under the corpse's head. The rain stops around them and the lights get brighter. The corpse breathes out. Gwen looks down, she is shocked.
BODY : There was, I was, I was, I was... oh my god what's goin' on ?
TOSHIKO : Listen to me, we've only got 2 minutes so it's important that you listen, ok...
BODY : Who are you ?
TOSHIKO : Trust me. You're dead.
BODY : How am I dead ?
OWEN : You were stabbed.
BODY : I'm not dead, I can see you.
TOSHIKO : We've brought you back, but we haven't got long. I'm sorry but you've got to concentrate. Who did this to you ? What did you see ?
BODY : But why am I dead ?
TOSHIKO : Who attacked you ?
BODY : I don't want to be dead !
SUZIE : 60 seconds.
TOSHIKO : You've got to think, just focus on me. What was the last thing you saw ? Jack sighs, clearly frustrated.
BODY : I didn't see anything. I dunno.
TOSHIKO : Who killed you ? Did you see them ?
BODY : I dunno. There was something behind me.
OWEN : Police said one stab wound in the back.
TOSHIKO : So you didn't see anything.
BODY : No. There is a long pause, each Torchwood member looks at the body.
BODY : What happens now ?
SUZIE : 30 seconds.
TOSHIKO : But he didn't see anything.
SUZIE : Don't waste it.
TOSHIKO : What else do I say ?
JACK (crouching down) : What's your name ?
BODY : John. John Tucker.
JACK : Ok John. Not long now.
BODY : Who are you ?
JACK : Captain Jack Harkness. Tell me what was it like when ya died ? What did ya see ? (Pause) John, tell me what you saw.
SUZIE : 10 seconds.
BODY : Nothing... I saw nothing... Oh my god there's nothing. John stops breathing, his head falls back into Suzie's hands, dead once more and the rain resumes falling heavily. Gwen stares at them from above.
SUZIE : sh1t !
OWEN : I said it was stupid telling him he was dead.
TOSHIKO : Well you try it.
OWEN : Trust me. Like that's gonna work.
JACK : Told the last corpse he was injured and he wasted the whole two minutes screaming for an ambulance. Maybe there's no right way of doing it. Jack looks up, straight at Gwen and calls out.
JACK : What do you think ?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Gwen standing at the car park wall looking over. Gwen leans back shocked when Jack sees her. She runs across the car back and back onto the street. She bends down breathing shallow, shocked and confused.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ARIEL VIEW OF CARDIFF
INT. GWEN'S FLAT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Gwen enters pauses in the entrance and then goes upstairs and walks towards the sofa. Rhys, her boyfriend, is sitting watching TV.
GWEN : Still up ?
RHYS : In 'ere. They said on the news murder in the city centre. Were you there ?
GWEN : No. I dunno, nothing to do with me... How come you're still up though ? Gwen sits next to Rhys and kisses him on the forehead. Clearly they are an established couple.
RHYS : Oh, Banana Boat came round. He was saying he's got plans. He's off again next summer.
GWEN : How come you're not pissed then ?
RHYS : Ooo, well we 'ad a cup o' tea. He's read this thing about diabetes. Me and him 'avin tea, that's middle age that is. There's some Chinese in the fridge.
GWEN : No I'm not hungry. You coming to bed ?
RHYS : Just finish here. This man's found his sister.
GWEN : I'll see you in a minute. Gwen walks away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GWEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Gwen lying awake in bed unable to sleep.
ARIEL CARDIFF - DAY
INT. POLICE OFFICE - CARDIFF - DAY
Gwen enters and sees a colleague walking down the stairs carrying files.
GWEN : Yvonne, can you do me a favour ? Can you a search for me ?
YVONNE : Join the queue.
GWEN : It's a Captain Jack Harkness, can you check him out ? Gwen passes Yvonne and starts to walk up the stairs.
YVONNE : I'm busy. See's there's proper channels, Gwen. What sort of Captain ?
GWEN : Dunno, just a Captain.
YVONNE : If I get time.
GWEN (calls down stairs) : Thanks.
INT. POLICE MURDER INVESTIGATION ROOM - CARDIFF
Police officers are looking at crime scene photos pined to a wall and discussing the facts of the case. Gwen enters carrying a tray of tea and coffee.
OFFICER : Sarah Palaster, 72. Murdered in her front room. Rani Ghosh, 45. Murdered in Robin Tree Alley and now John Tucker, 19, murdered in Sangavalith Lane. There's absolutely nothing linking these three victims. Apart from the way they died. As far as we can tell, all with the same weapon. A blade, approximately 8 inches long, 3 inches deep.
YOUNG COP : The two women were stabbed from the front but John Tucker was stabbed from behind. What does that tell us about the killer ?
OFFICER : That he's a coward.
EXT. A STREET - DAY
Gwen and Andy exit police car and walk towards a pub.
GWEN : But those people last night. The people in the car. Who were they ? What's Torchwood ?
PC ANDY : I dunno, special ops.
GWEN : Yeah but what does that mean ?
PC ANDY : Bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab. Gwen and Andy enter the pub. A bar brawl is in progress. Gwen and Andy enter and try to separate the combatants.
ANDY : Thank you very much. Thank you... Gwen is pushed aside and knocked over, she bangs her head on a pillar and appears to be in pain.
INT. HOSPITAL - CARDIFF - DOCTORS ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
A doctor is treating Gwen's head injury. Gwen walks out of the doctors room holding her head, she sees a man running up the stairs, she believes him to be Jack. She follows him up the stairs, running. Upon reaching the top of the stairs Gwen finds a plastic-sealed doorway and Jack has disappeared. She hears a door bang open below her and looks over the stairs to see a porter.
GWEN : 'Scuse me. Sorry. It's all sealed off up there. Who did that ? Gwen indicates the sealed door.
PORTER : I thought it was you lot.
GWEN : But what's it for ? What's happened.
PORTER : I dunno. 9 o'clock this morning it was all sealed off, they never said. Chemicals or something. The porter walks off, Gwen enters through a gap in the plastic of the sealed off door.
GWEN : Hello ! Gwen walks forward and sees a figure at the end of the corridor.
GWEN : Sorry I'm just looking for someone... Gwen cautiously approaches, talking to the figure.
GWEN (to self) : Yeah, right, clever... A weevil remains motionless except to tilt it's head at her.
GWEN : Anyway I dunno if you saw a man come through here. A tall man, in one of those big sort of military coats. Ok. If you could answer, this is official business. Gwen notices the man appears to be wearing a mask.
GWEN : You alright ? That's good. That's a good mask sort of thing... Look I'm sorry if I'm interrupting something, but we can stop this now, ok ? It's all very well playing silly buggers but I'm busy, alright. Now I'm looking for a man in a big grey coat. I said we can stop being silly. The weevil opens its mouth and hisses. The porter enters the corridor and walks towards Gwen.
PORTER : Ah, there you are. I did ask but I saw Doctor Mahieb cos I thought it was him said about the police, but he said no and then I said about the chemicals and he said don't be so stupid, "what chemicals ?" So I dunno, could be anything. The porter walks towards Gwen and notices the Weevil.
PORTER : Who've you got with you there then ? So much for sealing it off. Oh, ha, there's a face, nice one, oh tell ya mate you should try plastic surgery. Not on the NHS mind. The Porter glances from the weevil to Gwen.
PORTER : You alright ?
GWEN : Yeah.
PORTER : Bloody hell that is brilliant. That's like, erm, Hellraiser ! That's first class that is ! The porter stands close to the weevil and indicates the teeth.
PORTER : Look at that ! It's just like real teeth. The weevil grabs the caretaker's head and bites into his neck, blood spurts from his pierced jugular. Enter Jack, Owen and Suzie. Jack grabs Gwen and runs down the corridor with her.
JACK : Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go ! INTERCUT WITH : Shots of Owen and Suzie subduing the weevil and putting a black plastic bag over it's head. Jack stops at the end of the corridor. Gwen continues running out of the corridor and down the stairs. She stops running in the hospital entrance hall. Gwen goes into the hospital car park sees the Torchwood SUV. The SUV leaves the car park at speed, honking the horn to move her from their path. Gwen begins to run after it and then gets into a police car and pursues. PC Andy, eating, sees her drives past.
ANDY : Oi !
EXT. OVERVIEW - CONTINUOUS
The police car follows the Torchwood SUV along the motorway.
GWEN (VO) : Registration, Charlie Foxtrot 06.
INT. POLICE CAR
Gwen driving and speaks into the police radio.
GWEN : Foxtrot Delta Uniform.
OFFICER (over radio) : Charlie, Foxtrot 06, Foxtrot Delta Uniform. Erm, hold on I think Yvonne wants a word.
INTERCUT WITH INT. POLICE STATION CONTROL ROOM - CONCURENT
Yvonne stands in front of a bank of screens showing CCTV footage and speaks into the radio.
YVONNE (over radio) : No sign of a Captain Jack Harkness.
GWEN : Did you search outside Cardiff ?
YVONNE : No that never even occurred to me. Course I did ! I went nationwide. There are about 15 Jack's and John's with that surname, none of them a captain.
GWEN : S'pose he could've made it up.
YVONNE : The only Captain Jack Harkness on record was American.
GWEN : That's it, he's American.
YVONNE : Which you forgot to tell me.
GWEN : So who is he ?
YVONNE : American volunteer, Royal Air Force 133 squadron. 'Cept he disappeared. Vanished off the records, presumed dead.
GWEN : When was that ?
YVONNE : 1941 at the height of blitz. The morning of January the 21st 1941, Captain Jack Harkness failed to report for duty. Never seen again until now. What's going on Gwen, you seeing ghosts ?
EXT. IN FRONT OF MILLENNIUM CENTRE - DAY
Gwen following the SUV in police car. The SUV pauses, Jack, Suzie, Owen and Tosh exit the vehicle and the SUV departs. Gwen parks in the middle of the square and exits the vehicle and shouts after Torchwood.
GWEN : You lot. Oi Torchwood ! The Torchwood team ignores her and continues walking. Gwen starts to follow and is approached by a security guard.
SECURITY : Oi ! You can't leave that there !
GWEN : Police !
SECURITY : I can see that love and you're still not leaving it there. Gwen looks over at the Millennium Fountain and notices the Torchwood team have vanished. Gwen walks towards the fountain.
SECURITY : I'm talking to you ! Excuse me ! Move your bloody car ! Gwen wanders around the fountain trying to see how they could have disappeared.
INT. POLICE CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER
Gwen is speaking into her radio.
GWEN : Did you get anything on that registration ?
OFFICER (over radio) : No such number.
GWEN : What does that mean ?
OFFICER (over radio) : It doesn't exist, double checked for Swansea, triple checked. There's nothing, no such vehicle. But Temple's been asking 'bout you Gwen. You in trouble ? PC Andy enters Gwen's vehicle.
PC ANDY : I have walked ! I have bloody walked ! They share a glance, Gwen appearing apologetic.
EXT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SHORT TIME LATER
Gwen stands next to the Millennium Fountain.
GWEN : They were here and then they were gone, and look there's nowhere to hide, they just disappeared ! Andy stands near, arms folded.
PC ANDY : Temple's not just livid he's doing his nut.
GWEN : There was a man I'm telling you. There was this porter, he was in a porter's uniform and he was killed,or at least he was injured, he must have been injured ! Right in front of me ! This man in a mask sort of lashed out and...
ANDY : I've told you, all hospital staff present and correct.
GWEN : I saw it.
PC ANDY : That's sick. Gwen, sweetheart think about it, what sort of story is that ? You're not well, come with me I'll take you home.
GWEN : They were here...
PC ANDY : Come on. Andy puts his arm around Gwen's shoulder and guides her to the car.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CCTV footage of Gwen and Andy returning to the car.
SHOTS OF CARDIFF
INT. GWEN'S FLAT - LATER SAME DAY
Gwen enters the living room / kitchen and sees Rhys cooking.
RHYS : Look at me, cooking. Hot pot ! Or as ze French call it, 'ot pot. Gwen smiles fondly and kisses Rhys.
GWEN : I should've phoned. I've gotta work.
RHYS : You should be off sick.
GWEN : I know. But they were short and there's a match on tonight. I said I'd take another shift, I'm sorry. Forgive me, go on, forgive me, say you forgive me.
RHYS (smiles) : Yeah... Gwen kisses Rhys.
GWEN : I gotta go.
ARIEL CARDIFF
EXT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - NIGHT
Gwen is walking round the millennium square fountain, trying to see how Torchwood could have got away earlier. She notices a pizza delivery bike drive past.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CCTV footage of Gwen, on hub computer screen.
INT. JUBILEE PIZZA - SAME NIGHT
Gwen enters the pizza shop. A young lad works behind the counter.
GWEN : Scuse me, Gwen Copper, CID. I'm making some enquiries 'round the bay. I need to check some people out on your list if that's ok. I don't supposed you deliver to a Captain Jack Harkness.
PIZZA LAD : Ah, I dunno.
GWEN : Well could you 'av a look ? The man behind the counter checks the computer.
PIZZA LAD : No. He's not a regular anyway.
GWEN : J. Harkness or just Harkness. The pizza boy checks the computer again.
PIZZA LAD : No.
GWEN : Ok, never mind. Thanks anyway. Gwen starts to leave Jubilee Pizza then turns back to the counter
GWEN : I don't suppose you've got a Torchwood ?
PIZZA LAD : Oh aye ! We do them all the time. They're good customers.
EXT. CARDIFF BAY - NIGHT
Gwen walks along the bay carrying pizza boxes.
INT. TOURIST INFORMATION OFFICE - LATER THE SAME NIGHT
Gwen enters the reception area and looks around. A man enters through a beaded curtain behind the desk and smiles at Gwen.
GWEN : Oh hiya. Sorry I'm late. Someone ordered pizza.
IANTO : Who's it for ?
GWEN : I think it's a Mr Harkness. Gwen flinches as the door she entered through closes behind her. Ianto presses a button behind the desk and a part of the wall opens to reveal a passageway. Gwen looks surprised.
IANTO : Don't keep 'em waitin'. Gwen goes to the doorway and glances back at Ianto. He inclines his head in encouragement. Gwen walks cautiously down an ill lit brick passageway. A door opens at one end of the corridor, Gwen walks towards it and enters a lift. She goes down several storeys. She exit's the lift and goes through a large cog shaped door ahead of her. Camera pans right, around the Hub. The cog door and some bars slide shut behind Gwen. She glances at them and then notices a cylindrical container in which a hand is held in pale blue bubbling liquid. The Torchwood members working at their stations.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Someone welding, the mask is removed to reveal Suzie.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jack on the balcony walk down the stairs and into his office. Gwen walks towards Jack's office door past Toshiko and Owen who are on the computers. Gwen approaches slowly and they start laughing, Owen turns round on his chair to face Gwen.
OWEN : I can't do this, I'm sorry. I'm rubbish. I give up.
TOSHIKO (pointing) : He set me off.
SUZIE : Well that lasted nought point two seconds.
OWEN : Mmm, she's actually carrying pizza.
JACK : Come on ! She was gonna say here's your pizza and I was gonna say how much ? And she says oh, whatever, 20 quid and I say ooo... I don't have any money. I was working on a punch line, I'd have got there, but it would have been good.
GWEN : There's your pizza, I think I better go.
JACK : I think we've gone past that stage.
SUZIE : You must have been freezing out there, how long you walking round ? Three hours ?
GWEN : You could see me ?
SUZIE : Mhmm.
JACK : And before we go any further. Who the hell orders pizza under the name of Torchwood ?
OWEN : Err, yeah, that would be me. Sorry I'm a twat.
GWEN : That man at the hospital ? That porter ? What happened to him ? That was real wasn't it, he was attacked ?
JACK : He's dead.
GWEN : But there's no one gone missing.
TOSHIKO : I took the body, retrospectively changed the work rota. Planted a false witness who saw him leaving the hospital, giving him an alibi for the next 48 hours so that when his body is pulled out of the docks next Tuesday night, he's only been missing for three days.
GWEN : He was murdered.
TOSHIKO : Yeah.
GWEN : And you covered it up.
TOSHIKO (shrugs) : It's my job.
GWEN : And that other man, John Tucker. Last night in the alleyway, I saw you...
JACK : And what did you see ?
GWEN : You revived him.
JACK : No. What did you see ?
GWEN : You resuscitated him.
JACK : No. What did you see ?
GWEN : You brought him back to life.
JACK : Yeah.
GWEN : Who are you ?
JACK : Torchwood.
GWEN : What's Torchwood ?
JACK : This is Torchwood, all around you. Jack indicates the Hub.
GWEN : And what happens to me ?
JACK : Ohh...
GWEN : I'm police. Constable Gwen Cooper. You can't do anything.
JACK : Alright PC Cooper. Do you want to come see ?
GWEN : See what ?
JACK : You saw the murder. Come and see the murderer. Jack walks away, expecting Gwen to follow. Gwen pauses and Suzie notices her expression.
SUZIE : Go with him. Gwen puts the pizza down on a sofa and follows Jack.
GWEN : What is Torchwood ? Who are you ? What is this place ? Something screeches above Gwen and she ducks.
GWEN : What was that ?
TOSHIKO (bored) : Pterodactyl.
JACK (off screen) : Are you coming ?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TORCHWOOD CELLS
Jack opens the cell block door and enters followed by Gwen. The line of cells are dark, the paint on the wall flaking off. The cells have one clear wall, facing the corridor, with air holes. They walk to the end of a line of cells and Jack switches on the light to the end cell. Gwen looks in and jumps when she sees the Weevil inside.
JACK : It's alright. It's safe. It's sedated. It's called a weevil, or at least we call them weevils. We don't know their real name because they're not too good at communicating. But we got a couple of hundred of them in city. Living in the sewers, feeding off the... well it's the sewers you can guess. But every once in a while one of them goes rogue, comes to the surface, attacks. Actually it's been happening more and more and we have no idea why. But it's alien. Look into its eyes. Jack gets a stool for Gwen and helps her sit. He remains standing behind her.
JACK : There you go. Take your time. It was born on a different world and it's real. Gwen stares into the weevil's eyes.
INT. TORCHWOOD HUB CENTRAL - SOMETIME LATER
Jack and Gwen stand in the centre surrounded by the rest of the team at their stations. Jack makes introductions.
JACK : Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper.
OWEN : Dr. Owen Harper, thank you.
JACK : Toshiko Sato, computer genius. Suzie Costello she's second in command, and this is Ianto Jones. He cleans up after us and gets us everywhere on time.
IANTO : I try my best...
JACK : And he looks good in a suit.
IANTO : Careful. That's harassment sir.
GWEN : But why are you telling me their names, I'm not supposed to know am I ? This is classified isn't it ?
JACK : Way beyond classified...
GWEN : Then you shouldn't be telling me. What're you going to do to me ?
JACK : What do you imagine ?
GWEN : Well I've seen too much. Your names and everything and the weevil... you can dump a man in the water a lie about his death...
JACK : Ok, Tosh finish that calibration tomorrow morning. Owen first thing get hold of Chandler and Belle because I think they're lying. Ianto, if he needs back up then you better be on stand by. Suzie, I know it's a pain in the ass but I need the costing on the glove research... And as for you, you're coming with me. This way. Jack looks at Gwen and then walks way, again expecting Gwen to follow.
GWEN : I'm getting tired of following you.
JACK : No you're not and you never will... He turns to look at her then steps onto a stone platform.
JACK : Stand on here, come on, with me. Jack holds out his hand to Gwen, helps her step onto the platform and then puts his arm around her.
TOSHIKO (off screen) : Goodnight !
OWEN (off screen) : Later !
JACK : Now, you came in through the front door, lets take the scenic route. Jack presses a button on his wrist cuff and the ceiling 4 stories up opens. The platform starts to move upwards. Gwen grabs Jack's arm to steady herself. Suzie looks up at them as the platform rises.
EXT. IN FRONT OF MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - CONTINUOUS
Jack and Gwen stand on the platform, which now appears to be a normal paving slab. They are apparently in clear view of the passing pedestrians.
GWEN : But... but they can see the lift. Why aren't they, I mean, we are right out in the open they can see everything.
JACK : Do they look like they can see us ?
GWEN : No but look at us, we couldn't be anymore public. Jack shouts at a passer by. The man does not notice them.
JACK : Hello ! Hey you there ! Hello ! It's called a perception filter, he can sort of see us but we don't quite register. Just like something in the corner of your eye. It only works on this exact spot. Step off... Jack moves from the platform and waves at a passing lady who stares at him.
JACK : Hi ! Nice night. Ooh, and low we are perceived.
GWEN : How does it work ?
JACK : No idea. We know how to use it, not how it happens. But if I were to guess I would say it was once a dimensionally transcendental chameleon circuit placed right on this spot which welded it's perception properties to a spacio-temporal rift. Now that sounds kinda ridiculous. Invisible lift has got more of a ring to it don't you think ?
GWEN : But hold on, if no one can see it when the lifts coming up, there's a bloody big hole in the floor, don't people fall in ?
JACK : That is so Welsh.
GWEN : What is ?
JACK : I show you something fantastic, you find fault. Jack walks away followed by Gwen.
ARIEL VIEW CARDIFF
INT. A BAR
Gwen and Jack are sitting at the bar. Gwen drinks deeply from her pint glass.
GWEN : The thing is I just don't understand.
JACK : No I'll tell you what I don't understand. You're going to rattle on with this "how can this be true ?" kinda shtick. What's it going to take for you people. If you want evidence of aliens, how about that great big space ship hovering over London on Christmas day ? What about the battle of Canary Wharf, a Cyberman in every home ?
GWEN : My boyfriend says it's like some kind of terrorism. Like they put in drugs in the water supply, psychotropic drugs causing mass hallucinations and stuff.
JACK : Yeah, well your boyfriend's stupid.
GWEN : Oh you've met him ? Jack laughs and sips his water.
GWEN : So you catch aliens ?
JACK : Yep.
GWEN : You catch aliens for a living.
JACK : Yes we do.
GWEN : You're an alien catcher.
JACK : Yes I am.
GWEN : Caught any good aliens ?
JACK : Tones of them.
GWEN : That's a hell of a job.
JACK (laughs) : Sure is.
GWEN : This is so weird. And who are you then ?
JACK : Captain Jack Harkness.
GWEN : I did some research and there's only one Captain Jack Harkness on record and he disappeared in 1941.
JACK : Well that couldn't be me... could it ? We don't just catch aliens; we scavenge the stuff they leave behind, find ways of using it, arming the human race for the future. The 21st century is when it all changes and you gotta be ready.
GWEN : But who's in charge of you, is it the government or what ?
JACK : We're separate from the government, outside the police, beyond the United Nations cuz if one power got hold of this stuff, they could use it for their own purposes.
GWEN : But so could you.
JACK : All alien technology stays on the base no one's allowed to take anything outside.
INT. TOSH'S KITCHEN - CONCURRENT
Toshiko enters and takes an alien device from her handbag.
INT. OWEN'S BATHROOM - CONCURRENT
Owen getting ready to go out, he removes a bottle from his bathroom cabinet.
INT. SUZIE'S HOME - CONCURRENT
Suzie removes the metal glove from her bag.
INT. BAR - CONSECUTIVE
Gwen and Jack sitting in the bar drinking.
GWEN : So go on then, how the hell did you end up in Cardiff ?
JACK : This is Torchwood 3. Torchwood 1 was London, destroyed in the battle. Torchwood 2 is an office in Glasgow, very strange man. Torchwood 3, Cardiff, Torchwood 4 has kinda gone missing but we'll find it one day.
GWEN : So you just fancied Cardiff ?
JACK : There's a rift in space and time running right through the city. The weevils didn't come on a spaceship, they kinda just, slipped through. All sorts of things get washed up here, creatures, time shifts, space junk, debris. Flotsam and jetsam.
GWEN : Sounds like Cardiff...
JACK : Hey, hey, hey, don't knock it I'm a citizen.
GWEN : But where are you from ?
JACK (shrugs) : All sorts of places.
GWEN : The thing is we could liaise on this, this serial killer. I could be like your liaison with the police.
JACK : Right I can see the mistake : you think that because we turned up at the scene of crime we're out to catch the killer.
GWEN : Uhhuh...
JACK : Sorry, nothing to do with us.
GWEN : Then what were you doing there ?
JACK : Testing the glove, we need murder victims, simple as that. The glove only works on the recently deceased. The more violent the trauma the stronger the resurrection. All we needed was fresh meat.
GWEN : No you were asking that man John Tucker, I saw you. You were asking him about his killer...
JACK : He'd just been murdered. What else are you gonna ask ?
GWEN : You could get an ID, you could help.
JACK (shrugs) : We're busy.
GWEN : And your work is more important ?
JACK : Now you got it.
GWEN : Well that's tough sh1t cos if you let me go then I have a duty, I can tell them what you've got because that glove could help us.
JACK : If you remember.
GWEN : What do you mean ?
JACK : How's your drink ?
GWEN : Have you poisoned me ?
JACK : Don't be so dramatic. It's an amnesia pill, my own recipe, with a touch of denial and a dash of Retcon. Wake up tomorrow morning and you'll have forgotten everything about Torchwood, worst still you'll have forgotten me. Which is kinda tragic. Gwen appears shaken. She gets up leaves the bar. Jack follows her onto the street and calls after her.
JACK : Don't think you can fight it by staying awake, I mixed in a little sedative to.
GWEN : Then I'll tell someone...
JACK : Do you really wanna do that ? Do you really want us to come and find them too ?
GWEN : You b*st*rd !
JACK : Language ! Nice knowing you Gwen Cooper. Jack winks at her and walks away. Gwen watches his go then runs away.
EXT. A CAR PARK ENTRANCE / EXIT RAMP
Gwen runs up the ramp away from the car park.
EXT. A STREET
Jack walks slowly up the street, hands in his pockets.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY - LATER
Gwen feverishly begins typing everything she has learnt about Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood and the glove onto her computer in an attempt to conserve the knowledge.
INT. A BAR - SAME EVENING
Owen stands at the bar, he looks over and sees a girl further down the bar. He moves to talk to her.
OWEN : Hello.
LINDA : Alright.
OWEN : You having a good time ?
LINDA : I was.
OWEN : Can I buy you a drink ?
LINDA : No thanks I'm fine.
OWEN : Am I wasting my time ?
LINDA : I dunno, are you ?
OWEN : Look I've gotta be up early, I've got a hell of a day tomorrow and I really can't be bothered with all the chat. Owen sprays his face with liquid from the bottle he took earlier.
OWEN : So do you want a drink or what ? The girl's attitude markedly changes. suddenly finding Owen irresistible she kisses him passionately.
LINDA : Bloody hellfire ! You're coming home with me you are. Right now. The girl pulls Owen's lapels and drags him from the bar.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY - LATER THE SAME NIGHT
Gwen continues typing details about Torchwood onto her computer.
INT. TOSHIKO'S HOUSE - CONCURRENT
Toshiko is scanning the spine of a book (A Tale of Two Cities) from her bookcase. She then moves to the computer and places the alien scanner alongside. The contents of the books appear on the computer screen - the pages flipping.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY
Gwen continues typing.
INT. SUZIE'S HOUSE - CONCURRENT
Suzie uses the glove to resurrect a fly which has died on the window sill and it flies away.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY
Gwen types "Read this !" She is struggling to stay awake.
EXT. A STREET NEAR TO THE BAR - CONCURRENT
Owen and Linda are walking from the bar. Her boyfriend sees them and jogs over.
COLIN : Oi you b*st*rd, come 'ere. Linda what do you think you are doing with him ? What the f*ck do you think you're doing with him ?
LINDA : I'm taking him home and I'm having him, now piss off.
COLIN : What the f*ck do you think you're doing with my girlfriend you b*st*rd.
OWEN : Hey, I didn't know. She was on her own, she never said.
COLIN : You tosser, you f*cking tosser.
LINDA : Colin, button it. He's mine.
COLIN : Do you wanna have a go do you ? Wanna have a go ? Well come on then mate.
OWEN : Well if it makes it easier... Owen sprays his face with the alien liquid again. The boyfriend's expression changes and he kisses Owen.
COLIN : I'm so having you.
LINDA : I'm having him first.
OWEN : Taxi !
INT. GWEN'S STUDY
Gwen begins to fall asleep, her typing flawed and her vision blurring.
INT. TORCHWOOD HUB
Ianto hacks into Gwen's computer. "Gwen Cooper - Home Intercept" is written on his screen.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY - CONCURRENT
Gwen's document is highlighted, deleted from the screen and the computer powers down. Gwen, confused, tries to type on the powerless keyboard, then falls asleep over the computer.
EXT. WIDE ANGLE VIEW OF ALTOLUSSO APARTMENT BUILDING - CONCURRENT
Shot closes in. Jack is standing on a narrow structure jutting horizontally from the roof of the building. 360 degree shot widening to view of Cardiff.
INT. GWEN'S STUDY - NEXT MORNING
Gwen is slumped over her computer. Rhys enters with a cup of tea. Rhys kisses Gwen's hair and she wakes, still groggy.
RHYS : Did you get pissed ?
GWEN : No. What time is it ?
RHYS : 7:30. You said you were working last night.
GWEN : I was.
RHYS : Then how come you fell asleep in here ?
GWEN : I haven't... I was, typing. That is work...
RHYS : Not having a go, just saying. It's not exactly clever going out on a lash when you've just had a bang on the head. Hope you didn't drive in that state... who were you with ? Diane ?
GWEN : Must have been yeah.
INT. POLICE STATION ENTRANCE - LATER THAT MORNING
Gwen enters, followed by Yvonne.
YVONNE : Had any luck ?
GWEN : With what ?
YVONNE : Captain Jack Harkness.
GWEN : How'd ya mean ? Who's he ?
YVONNE : Oh don't worry about me. Go ahead, wasting my time ! Gwen walks up the stairs looking confused by the conversation. She walks upstairs and down a corridor, she walks past another police man.
OFFICER : Hi
GWEN : Hi. Gwen enters an office where plain clothes police are working at desks.
DI JACOBS : Aye aye, come to see where the real work's done.
GWEN : Yes sir. That's right sir, how's it going ?
DI JACOBS : Sod all. Gwen sees a diagram of a knife.
GWEN : Is that the murder weapon ? The officer nods and stands to join her looking at the picture.
DI JACOBS : Clever mind. They worked it all out on the computer. Took measurements from the stab wounds; calculated the shape of the blade and stuff, even those prongs. I dunno how they do it. Nasty lookin'beast though. Do you recognise it ?
GWEN (shakes her head) : No.
DI JACOBS : We're trying to trace it. Can't be that many of them. Sort of, ornamental. We're checking the CV logs with customs in case it's been imported. Find the knife we might find the killer, well if it rings any bells give us a shout.
GWEN : Yeah, thanks. Gwen leaves the office and walks through the police station. INTERCUT WITH : images of the drawing of the knife as she walks.
EXT. A ROOF CAR PARK - LATER
Gwen and PC Andy stand. PC Andy is telling an anecdote, Gwen is not listening, she is thinking about the knife.
INT. GWEN'S FLAT - LATER THAT DAY
Rhys is preparing dinner, Gwen sits at the table. Gwen is not really listening to Rhys; again thinking of the knife. She appears to be remembering seeing it before. Rhys talks while handing out dinner.
INT. GWEN'S BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
Gwen lies in bed thinking about the knife. The alarm clock reads 2.01. She gets out of bed and goes to her study. She draws a picture of the knife on a piece of paper. She finishes it, looks at it, screws it up and throws it in the bin. She leans back in her chair. She sees the knife again. A magazine of events at the Millennium Centre on her desk attracts her attention. She has written 'remember' on the cover.
EXT. IN FRONT OF MILLENNIUM CENTRE - NIGHT
Gwen is walking outside the millennium centre, she sees a figure near the fountain, the figure appears as Suzie and Gwen remembers the knife. She then remembers a welding mask, and Suzie removing the mask. Gwen does not yet remember clearly.
SUZIE : Hello again. You were right, you told Jack we should liaise with the police I was the only one who bothered, so, I was the only who saw the report. Suzie pulls the knife out of her bag.
SUZIE : You got a good likeness.
GWEN : I'm arresting you for... How do I know you ?
SUZIE : I thought you might've seen it and that can trick the amnesia, just one specific image if you're clever. He said you were good. Anyway it's not much good now, I can't really... She gestures with the knife.
SUZIE : You're going to put up a fight so I've got... She searches her handbag.
SUZIE : Erm hold on... sorry. She pulls out a gunand drops her bag.
SUZIE : There that's better. She points the gun at Gwen and cocks it. Gwen looks terrified.
GWEN : Put it down...
SUZIE : You had to come back...
GWEN : Put don't the gun.
SUZIE : You're the only one who can make the link...well the only one in public. Torchwood's gonna find out by morning, but I'll be gone. I don't know where, far away... What am I going to do ? I loved this job, I really loved it. And now I've got run. Oh, Christ ! How can you do any other job after this ?
GWEN : Please put down the gun.
SUZIE : It gets inside you, you do this job for long enough and you end up thinking... how come we get all the, the weevils and bollocks and sh1t. Is that what alien life is ? Filth ? Then maybe there's better stuff out there, brilliant stuff, beautiful stuff. Just... But they don't come here. This planet's so dirty, that's all we get, the sh1t.
GWEN : I don't know what you're talking about.
SUZIE : I wish I could forget.
GWEN : Why did you kill those people ?
SUZIE : For the glove. Suzie steps forward.
GWEN : Just stay where you are.
SUZIE : I needed the bodies, that's how it works, violent death. It was so easy. To bring them back I just positioned myself behind the head so they never see me twice.
GWEN : You killed 3 people.
SUZIE : It was the only way. The more I use the glove, the more I control it...
GWEN : I don't understand what glove ? Where have I seen you before ?
SUZIE : If I can get enough practise, then think what the glove could do. If I could get it to work all the time, on anything, beyond two minutes, if I could get it to work permanently, it could resurrect. Resurrection on demand for the whole world, isn't that good ? Jack rises up on the invisible lift between them.
SUZIE : Isn't it though ? Well that's what I've been working for. All day, all night, the rest of them go swanning about while I'm working. You gotta get inside this stuff. Surrender yourself to it, I did with the knife and the glove, and that's why the perception filter isn't going to work on me... Suzie turns and shoots Jack in the forehead, he collapses. Gwen is shocked, he seems to have appeared from nowhere.
GWEN : What... who is he ? Where did he come from ? What have you done... Suzie points the gun at Gwen and cocks it.
GWEN : Please don't...
SUZIE : I can't let you go. She steps over Jack's body and towards Gwen.
GWEN : Please...
SUZIE : I've got to... Gwen begins to sob in fear, hands clutching her hair.
SUZIE : I'm sorry, I've got, I've got to... I've got to... Jack stands up behind Suzie. A bullet wound in this forehead heals as Gwen watches.
JACK : Put down the gun. Suzie turns to look at Jack.
JACK : Suzie, it's over, now come with me... Jack offers her his hand to Suzie. Gwen looks on disbelieving. Suzie turns to look at Gwen and then puts the gun under her chin and pulls the trigger, she collapses, instantly dead.
GWEN : I... remember. I remember. Gwen falls to the floor.
INT. JACK'S OFFICE THE HUB - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ianto puts the glove and the knife into a secure box tagged "not for use" and puts the box in Jack's safe. Owen and Toshiko put the alien devices they had taken onto Jack's desk.
INT. TORCHWOOD MORGUE
Jack zips up Suzie's body bag, puts it into one of the many freezer units and walks away.
EXT. ROOF OF MILLENNIUM CENTRE - DAWN
Jack and Gwen are standing on the roof talking.
GWEN : Owen and Toshiko, you didn't tell them that you were shot in the head and survived.
JACK : You didn't tell them either. Followed my lead. Keep doing that and you might just get through this.
GWEN : But she killed you...
JACK : I can't die.
GWEN : Ok...
JACK : But I can't... Something happened to me a while back, long story and far away. But I was killed, and then I was brought back to life and ever since then, I can't die.
GWEN : But how ?
JACK : I dunno. One day I'll find a doctor, the right sort of doctor and maybe he can explain it, but until then...
GWEN : Nothing kills you ?
JACK : Well, kinda freaks people out, so, best if you don't say anything.
GWEN : It doesn't matter anyway, you'll only wipe my memory again.
JACK : Why would I do that ? Torchwood's got a vacancy. Job going spare, do you want it ?
GWEN : But... what do you need me for ?
JACK : Because maybe you were right, we could do more to help. What do you think ? Wanna join up ?
GWEN : ...Yeah. Gwen turns to look at the city. Jack smiles.
GWEN : I do yes.
CLOSING ARIEL VIEW OF MILLENNIUM CENTRE
The pterodactyl flies over the centre.