[CHARMED LOGO: TRIQUETRA]
HOLLY MARIE COMBS (NARRATOR): Previously, on 'Charmed' ...
FLASH TO:
[Scenes from 8X01: Still Charmed and Kicking]
[INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY]
(Phoebe throws something into the potions pot. The contents explode.)
PHOEBE: Viola! New identities.
VICTOR BENNETT: How is it you can see your other selves reflected in the
mirror?
PHOEBE: It's part of the spell.
[MIRROR'S REFLECTION]
(They all look at their reflection in the mirror. They see their 'new' selves.)
PIPER: You know, this just might work.
TRIQUETRA FLASH TO:
[INT. MANOR - KITCHEN DOOR - DAY]
(Phoebe and Paige peer out the kitchen door. Phoebe's looking at Dex Lawson.)
PAIGE: Who is he?
PHOEBE: I don't know his name. It's some guy that I used to see in the
elevator all the time at work.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. THE BAY MIRROR - ELEVATOR - DAY]
(Phoebe introduces her new self to Dex Lawson.)
PHOEBE: I'm Julie, Phoebe's cousin.
DEX LAWSON: Dex. Dex Lawson.
PHOEBE: Dex Lawson. Nice to meet you, Dex.
DEX LAWSON: You, too.
(They shake hands. Phoebe has a premonition.)
(Quick premonition of: [EXT. MANOR - FRONT PORCH - DAY] Phoebe is in a wedding
dress; Dex is in a tux. And they're kissing. They look at each other and smile.)
(Dex carries Phoebe over the threshold and into the house.)
(End of premonition. Resume to present.)
TRIQUETRA FLASH TO:
[INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL - NIGHT]
(A new girl is fighting three demons. Paige shouts a warning to the new girl.)
PAIGE: Behind you!
PIPER: Shh!
(Billie turns and throws the athame at Haas who flames out. The athame misses him.)
(Billie quickly runs out the front door, disappearing into the night.)
HAAS: (v.o.) It could be ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. UNDERWORLD]
HAAS: ... that The Charmed Ones are still alive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF PREVIOUSLY ON.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MANOR - UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY]
(Piper brushes her teeth.)
PIPER: What if a demon attacks while I'm out?
LEO: (o.s.) They're not going to attack, all right? They think you're dead.
PIPER: No, I don't mean here, I mean anywhere, in general.
(Leo walks into the bathroom.)
LEO: What do you mean, like anywhere around the city?
(She spits into the sink.)
PIPER: Yeah. What am I supposed to do, just ignore it?
(Leo looks at his reflection and notices how short he is compared to Piper.)
LEO: I should've gone taller. I always wanted to be taller.
PIPER: Are you listening to me?
LEO: Yes. Just ignore it. Why'd you go blonde?
PIPER: I don't know. I didn't have a lot of time to think about it. Besides,
I kind of like it.
(Paige walks into the bathroom.)
PAIGE: (moans) Leo, the jingling is back. Can you help me get rid of it?
LEO: Just ignore it.
PIPER: That's his advice for the day. Excuse me.
(Piper walks out of the bathroom. Paige curls her eye lashes while Leo continues to try to make himself taller.)
PAIGE: I can't ignore it. It's relentless. What does that little witch want anyway?
LEO: I don't know. Maybe she doesn't even know she's calling you. You know, sometimes new charges don't. Sometimes it's just subliminal.
PAIGE: How am I supposed to get my life back, then?
(Phoebe walks into the bathroom.)
PHOEBE: Your life? What about my life?
PAIGE: What about it?
(Phoebe sits up on the sink counter.)
PHOEBE: How am I supposed to marry a guy I just met in an elevator?
PAIGE: Excuse me, but I was obsessing first.
(Piper returns to the bathroom with her lip gloss.)
PIPER: No, no, no. Excuse me. No, actually I was.
PHOEBE: I think marrying a complete stranger wins. I mean, he doesn't even
know who I really am.
PIPER: Ok, but he's a really, really cute stranger. And, you know what, guys, do you mind?
PAIGE: At least he's not driving you crazy.
LEO: Maybe you should try meditating.
PHOEBE: I just got my life back. I don't want to get hitched yet.
PIPER: There's nothing wrong with getting hitched. Now, guys, really, okay? Back to my life.
PAIGE: Maybe I should go to Magic School to get rid of it.
PHOEBE: I mean, he is cute and all.
PAIGE: But then again, you know, I could risk exposure.
PHOEBE: I don't even know what he does.
(Piper whistles loudly, startling everyone silent.)
PIPER: Family meeting now!
(Piper leaves the bathroom.)
PAIGE: If she didn't want to go to Magic School, all she had to do was tell me.
PHOEBE: You're in trouble.
PAIGE: What to do?
(Everyone steps out of the bathroom.)
WHITE FLASH TO:
[INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY]
(Haas walks through the hallway. He pushes the damaged double doors open and steps into the Great Hall. The Great Hall is damaged - furniture overturned and broken, paper litters the floor. He meets up with other demons.)
BLACK HEART: It's abandoned. No one's here. Although they could still be invisible. This is magic school after all.
HAAS: No. The magic here is all ours now.
BLACK HEART: Are you sure?
HAAS: Hah! (Haas throws a power ball at the large column. It explodes, leaving large black scorch marks on the structure.)
HAAS: Hyah!
(He throws another power ball at the table, splitting it clear in two.)
HAAS: Hah!
(He throws another power ball at the desk across the room, damaging the books stacked on it.)
(Nothing happens. He turns and looks at Black Heart.)
HAAS: Positive.
(Haas smiles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF TEASER
ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL SET)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo meet for a family meeting. Piper is pacing the floor as she talks.)
PIPER: Okay, people, we got to get a grip here. Otherwise, what are we doing? We might as well just go back to fighting demons again.
PAIGE: Even if they think we're dead?
PIPER: It was a rhetorical question.
PAIGE: No, it wasn't.
PIPER: Paige!
PAIGE: What?
LEO: Look, I think the point is that we need to take it slow, you know, be patient.
PHOEBE: Yeah, well, tell that to my premonition.
PAIGE: And my stupid charge.
(Piper whistles loudly, startling everyone silent.)
PHOEBE: Ohh. Uhh.
PIPER: Don't even start.
LEO: You know, you're gonna be late.
PAIGE: Late for what?
PIPER: My spa day. I'm supposed to be having a facial and a massage and a
seaweed wrapping thing.
PAIGE: I'm so jealous.
PIPER: Well, it was Phoebe's idea. We were watching "s*x and the City" and ...
PHOEBE: Speaking of which, did Carrie ever have to marry a man that she did not know, huh?
LEO: Carrie?
PAIGE: Don't ask. They're on "s*x and the City" again.
PHOEBE: Yeah. No. The answer is no. She did not. (She picks up the DVD case and looks at it wistfully.) Why can't we live our lives like they did?
PAIGE: Uh, didn't one of them sleep around a lot?
PHOEBE: No. She was a free spirit, which, by the way, can only happen when you're free.
(Piper whistles loudly, again.)
PHOEBE: (annoyed) God, is that really necessary?
PIPER: Apparently. Look. Okay. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. We need
to get a little perspective here. How bad can things be when we don't have demons to worry about anymore? (Phoebe grudgingly nods in agreement.) Thank you. Look. (to Paige) You, you need to focus on something else. You got to get that charge off your mind.
PAIGE: Well, people, I am open to suggestions.
PIPER: Do what Gram said. Get out there. Ignore the signs of your old life and look for signs that lead you to your new life. Try anything.
(Piper whirls around to Phoebe.)
PIPER: And you, you're all about signs. So, isn't that exactly what a vision
is anyway?
PHOEBE: Yeah, but --
PIPER: (warns) Don't make me whistle. Last year you had a premonition that you were gonna have a daughter, which means then this year you're gonna have to have a little s*x and get pregnant. And since Dex, which coincidentally rhymes with s*x, could be the father ...
PHOEBE: God.
PIPER: Look. I suggest you get to know him ... well and fast. Because this may be the one sign you can't ignore. All right? Everybody good? People? Great. See you later. (Piper heads out. Leo and Paige head upstairs. Phoebe sits in her seat gazing at the "s*x and the City" DVD cover.)
PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) Maybe Piper's right. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that we're being guided ... and signs always lead the way. The question is, where do you start looking for them?
(Piper returns and walks across the main hall to the front door.)
PIPER: Start with Dex. See if you even like him.
WHITE FLASH TO:
[INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY]
(Haas throws a book down on the floor on top other books. The Great Hall is completely trashed.)
BLACK HEART: Isn't the fact that we could take this place over proof enough that The Charmed Ones are really dead?
HAAS: Unless they're in hiding.
BLACK HEART: They would not leave magic school unprotected, or leave its powers for us to take.
HAAS: Perhaps not, but then again, that's the mystery we're trying to solve. Isn't it? Speaking of which, any progress on that front?
BLACK HEART: We've lured three teenagers so far, turned them all, and yet no sign of the witches.
HAAS: They won't be able to ignore the cries for long. If the sisters are alive, they will come to the rescue. It's in their blood.
BLACK HEART: Unless your plan is too obscure for them to notice.
(Haas finds a book and picks it up.)
BLACK HEART: Maybe you give them too much credit.
HAAS: Demons have used mortal fairy tales to trap them before.
(He opens the book.)
HAAS: It's in the textbooks - (He gives Black Heart the book.) -- how
Cinderella nearly turned The Charmed Ones into pumpkins. Humans are raised on these insidious tales. They tap into universal themes, common emotions, fears. That's why we can lure the victims so easily. Don't worry. Sooner or later, The Charmed Ones will follow, and when they do, we will have them.
BLACK HEART: But what if they don't take the bait? What if they live no more?
HAAS: Well, then we mess up a few kids. And that's fun all by itself, isn't it?
(They both laugh.)
HAAS: Time to find our next "Alice".
[SCENE_BREAK]
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs, of course, can be good or bad. But they should never be
ignored.
[EXT. UNIVERSITY (STOCK) - DAY]
TAYLOR: (v.o.) I'm telling you, something really weird's going on.
[INT. CAMPUS - BILLIE'S DORM ROOM - DAY]
(Billie is putting on her make-up as Taylor talks to her.)
TAYLOR: I mean, come on, why aren't the cops doing something about this? It's
totally whacked.
BILLIE JENKINS: I don't know. They probably think it's just drugs or something.
TAYLOR: It's not drugs. No way. This is something way more scary, but they just don't care.
BILLIE JENKINS: Nobody cares. We're teenagers.
TAYLOR: No, that girl Allyson just turned twenty.
BILLIE JENKINS: Who's Allyson?
TAYLOR: Allyson. The sorority chick that went missing, then was later found walking around like her hard drive had just been erased.
BILLIE JENKINS: Her hard drive?
TAYLOR: This isn't funny, Billie. This is serious. Some creep's out there preying on kids like us, and nobody's doing jack about it. Don't you even care?
BILLIE JENKINS: Actually, what I care about right now is not being late for metaphysics, which I'm failing.
(Billie gets up and picks up her backpack.)
TAYLOR: Unbelievable. Whatever. All I got to say is that somebody better do
something before anyone else gets hurt.
(Taylor leaves.)
(Billie drops her backpack down on her bed and closes the door. She goes to her desk drawer and takes out three newspaper clippings. The headlines read, "Missing Teen Found," "College Woman Missing," and "Missing Teen Found, Catatonic.")
(Billie's been following the missing teens story.)
(She picks up her athame in the desk drawer and fiddles with it as she thinks about it.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs don't always mean what we think they do. They can, after all, be confusing, ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. THE BAY MIRROR - HALLWAY/ ELEVATOR - DAY]
PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... especially in today's world where we're constantly
bombarded by them. Still it's up to us to interpret them the best way we know how. It's called survival. (Phoebe presses the elevator button and waits. The elevator doors open and people walk out. Phoebe looks inside the elevator - looking for Dex. She doesn't step on the elevator. The man standing in front looks at her.)
MAN IN ELEVATOR: You goin' up?
PHOEBE: Yeah. But ... not right now. It's okay. Go ahead.
(The man in the elevator presses the button and the doors close.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Unfortunately, waiting for just the right sign to come along
can be frustrating, especially when you're in a hurry to conceive ... (Phoebe steps to the side and looks at her very different reflection in the glass covering the building directory.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... which is why sometimes you have to ... (The turns to the other elevator. It opens and Dex Lawson is standing inside. Phoebe smiles at him.)
PHOEBE: Hi.
DEX LAWSON: Hi.
PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... help make the signs come to you.
(Phoebe steps into the elevator.)
PHOEBE: Uh, it's, uh, Dex. Right?
DEX LAWSON: (nods) Yeah. That's right. And ... you're ... Julie?
JULIE: You remembered.
DEX LAWSON: How could I forget?
[SCENE_BREAK]
PHOEBE: (v.o.) On the other hand, some signs come to you even when you wish
they wouldn't.
[EXT. STREET - DAY]
(A police car with flashing lights stops curbside. The officer gets out of the car.)
(Paige is behind her steering wheel. She groans.)
PAIGE: Great. Just great.
(Paige engages the brakes and turns her engine off.)
POLICE WOMAN: License and registration, please?
PAIGE: What did I do?
POLICE WOMAN: You rolled through a stop sign.
(Paige gives her, her license and registration. The officer looks at it:
CALIFORNIA DRIVER LICENSE 200I4209
EXPIRES: 11-17-?
JOSEPHINE BENNET
1985 MANNING AVE.
LOS ANGELES CA 90025
s*x F HAIR BRN
HT 5-09 WT 120
DOB 11-17-82
POLICE WOMAN: You from L.A.?
PAIGE: Yeah. Yeah. Um ... my cousins died, so I just came up here to help
out.
POLICE WOMAN: Wow. Sorry.
PAIGE: Well ...yeah. It's a little harder than I thought it would be, you know, adjusting to a new city ... and all.
POLICE WOMAN: What'd you do before?
PAIGE: You could say I helped people.
POLICE WOMAN: Yeah? Maybe you should become a cop.
(She chuckles as she looks at the officer's badge: SAN FRANCISCO POLICE 8675.)
(She also notices the officer's arm patch, SAN FRANCISCO POLICE.)
RADIO: All available units, code 2. Assist suspect search. 920 in Portero
District. Over.
POLICE WOMAN: Unit A-10. Roger that. ETA five minutes. Over.
PAIGE: What's a 920?
POLICE WOMAN: Missing person found. Probably another one of those kids. Looks like it's your lucky day.
(She hands Paige's license and registration back to her.)
PAIGE: Can I ask you a question?
POLICE WOMAN: Make it fast.
PAIGE: What do you like most about your job?
POLICE WOMAN: Catching the bad guys.
(The officer leaves as Paige smiles at that thought.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(CC) PHOEBE: (v.o.) And some signs, though seductive, should absolutely never
be followed.
[EXT. ALLEY - DAY]
(Black Heart is wearing a cut t-shirt with WHITE RABBIT written on front with a rabbit logo. Behind her, a college student follows.)
ALASTAIR: I thought you said we were going to a garden party of something.
BLACK HEART: We are, Alastair. We are.
ALASTAIR: Yeah? You ... sure this is the way?
BLACK HEART: You don't want to be late, do you?
ALASTAIR: Well, no, but --
BLACK HEART: Because ... we're very, very late.
ALASTAIR: Late for what? Look, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Okay? I mean, I really don't even know you.
(She grabs his shirt and kisses him.)
BLACK HEART: Promised you an adventure, didn't I? It's down there.
(She points to a black hold in the ground.)
ALASTAIR: What's down there?
BLACK HEART: See for yourself. (He hesitates.) Come on. Aren't you the least
bit curious?
(He leans forward and he is sucked into the black hole.)
(Black Heart looks down and smiles. Footsteps approach.)
(She black orbs out just as Billie enters the alleyway. She doesn't see anyone. She sighs and removes her shades.)
(She looks down and sees a rat scurrying across the ground.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Rats.
[INT. SEWERS - DAY]
(Down in the sewers below, Alastair looks up at the grill above and calls out for help.)
ALASTAIR: Help! Anybody!
(He looks around.)
ALASTAIR: Where am I?
(Haas and Black Heart appear.)
HAAS: You're down the rabbit hole. Alastair in Wonderland. Close enough.
(Haas smiles at Alastair.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(COMMERCIAL SET)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. DEX'S STUDIO -- DAY]
(Dex shows Phoebe his various sculptures.)
DEX LAWSON: This one I got the inspiration for a few years ago while I was, uh,
flying over Africa. I was looking out the window, you know, painfully aware of the struggles below me, and yet I was up in the clouds feeling at peace. It's, uh, supposed to remind us of the delicate balance between, you know, life -- good, evil ... agony, ecstasy. All that. All my work is ... uh, you know, life's precious. It's supposed to be enjoyed in the moment. After all, that's all we really have, isn't it?
PHOEBE: Hmm. I tend to live too much in the future. I can't help it, though. It's in my blood. Anyway, it's -- it's great. I mean, it's all great.
DEX LAWSON: Thank you.
PHOEBE: Everything is great. And here I thought all this time you were a lawyer or something.
DEX LAWSON: But I thought you just got to town after Phoebe died.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. You know. I -- I did. It's ... just that's what Phoebe ... said. Uh, that's what she said that you did. You know ... (She takes a deep breath to stop talking.) It's all very sad.
DEX LAWSON: Oh, um ... I'm sure it must be hard.
PHOEBE: But life goes on. Right? Isn't that the lesson in all of this?
(She motions to the art sculptures around them.)
DEX LAWSON: Well, I don't know about lesson, but, uh --
PHOEBE: No, really. It's one I can stand to learn. I've actually often said
that the worst part of modern technology is ... the way it robs you of the found moments ... you know, those little discoveries ... even intimacy.
(He looks at her.)
PHOEBE: What?
DEX LAWSON: I was just thinking that ... that's exactly what Phoebe once said.
PHOEBE: Really? That's ... odd.
DEX LAWSON: I--I mean wrote, uh, in her advice column. That was, like,
verbatim.
PHOEBE: Well. I don't know. It must run in the family, huh?
DEX LAWSON: Yeah, it must.
PHOEBE: You really read her column, didn't you?
(He nods.)
DEX LAWSON: Would you like to go get a cup of coffee?
PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) It's not dinner ... or lunch, even. But it's not
bad.
PHOEBE: I'd love to.
(Phoebe and Dex walk out.)
PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) When you're in a hurry, you can't be too picky about
the signs. As long as it causes a few sparks, what more can you ask for?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. P-3 - DAY]
(The neon P-3 sign blinks, sparks, then surges and sparking sending the entire club into darkness.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Unfortunately, not every spark is a positive one.
[BACK OF THE CLUB NEAR CIRCUIT BOX]
(In the darkness, we hear a voice.)
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Uh-oh.
PIPER: Uh-oh. What do you mean, "uh-oh"? Is that bad?
(The electrician flicks on his flashlight and looks at the circuit box.)
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Uh, I think your transformer's shot.
PIPER: Well, ok. Fix it.
(He turns and looks at Piper.)
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, I can't. You need a new one.
PIPER: Well, can you go get a new one and replace it?
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, it has to be ordered. Could take couple of days.
PIPER: A couple of days? I don't have a couple of days. This is a night club.
We've got music and lights and credit card machines. I need electricity.
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Wish I could help you. But, uh ... I couldn't even get an inspector out here before tomorrow anyway.
PIPER: An inspector? What inspector? For what?
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, it has to be done to code. You want to wait here while I give him a call?
PIPER: No, I don't want to wait here. I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be getting a manicure and a pedicure and a facial and something else!
(She sighs as he stares unsympathetically back at her.)
PIPER: You don't really care, do you?
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): I'm just an electrician, ma'am.
PIPER: (sighs) All right. You know what? "Bud" ... is it? I don't really
care. Okay? Do whatever it takes. Get some solar panels, rent a generator, whatever. But you know what? I need to have a little itty bit of light. Okay? Just a little teeny tiny teeny light! Is that ok with you?!
(He stares unsympathetically back at her.)
PIPER: Ahem! Sorry.
(He puts the clipboard in front of her.)
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Sign, please?
PIPER: Yeah.
(Piper takes the pen and signs.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Of course, in the cosmic scheme of things, signs tend to balance
each other out.
BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Got enough light?
(She finishes signing it and hands both pen and clipboard back to Bud.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) For instance, when one says "closed" ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE ACADEMY - RECRUITING OFFICE - DAY]
(CLOSE-UP: The poster on the wall has a large slogan, "Join the Force.")
PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... another says "come on in."
(Paige stands in front of the poster, staring at it.)
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Can I help you?
PAIGE: Oh! Uh, hi. I'm just checking stuff out for a friend.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Oh. Does he want to become a police officer?
PAIGE: She, actually, and I think she's exploring her options.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: I see. Well, she couldn't have picked a more noble
profession. Does she have any background in law enforcement?
PAIGE: Unofficially. She was a social worker, and, um, she'd made an awful lot of citizen's arrests.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Well, yeah. It's one thing to carry a pen, quite another to carry a gun.
(Paige shrugs.)
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Have you ever fired a gun?
PAIGE: Me? No. I mean, but this is about my -
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: (interrupts) Your friend, yeah. Uh, look, don't take
this wrong way, okay? But I can tell by looking at you you don't have what this takes.
PAIGE: Excuse me?
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: We're looking for serious, committed-minded young people, and I'm the guy that has to weed out the crazies, the nazis, and the attractive divorcees who might otherwise waste the tax payers' hard-earned money.
PAIGE: You obviously don't know who you're talking to.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Well, don't take offense, ma'am. The fact is we only take the very best of the best, and that does not currently include anyone worried about breaking a nail.
PAIGE: You know what? How dare you prejudge me? You don't know the first thing about me. For all you know, I could've saved the world like a hundred times over.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Of course, yes. Uh, good day.
PAIGE: No, you know what? I know you don't think I can do this, Mr. 6-foot-4- big-guy, but I'll tell you what. I'll bet I could take you.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Sure you could, lady, sure.
PAIGE: Let me try.
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Do yourself a favor. Leave now.
(Paige refuses to move.)
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Look. I don't have time for this crap.
(He glares at her, then charges at her. Paige grabs his arm and flips him completely over. The recruitment officer lands flat on his back.)
RECRUITMENT OFFICER: (groans) Huh. Application's on the desk. (Paige crosses her arms smugly at him, then turns to look at the desk behind her for that application form.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ALLEY -- DAY]
(A fluffy, white bunny moves along the alley floor.)
ALEXIS: (o.s.) Bunny! Here, bunny, bunny!
(Alexis appears on screen as she chases after the white rabbit.)
ALEXIS: Here, bunny, bunny!
(She sees the white rabbit and follows it as it heads deeper into the alley.)
ALEXIS: Oh, bunny, don't be afraid. Bunny, I won't hurt you.
(The white rabbit stops in front of the sewer grating.)
(Suddenly, the white rabbit changes into Black Heart.)
ALEXIS: Oh, my God. Sorry, Alexis. Try again. You ready for a wild ride?
(She grabs Alexis and throws her into the sewer grating which magically sucks her down inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SPA - DAY]
(The Manicurist is busy working on a customer's nails. She gossips as she works.)
MANICURIST: Did you hear? They found another one. Boy this time. Alastair I think his name was. Another "A" name. I'm telling you, it's just like that Agatha Christie novel, that alphabet murders. Remember that? (Behind the partitioned area of the spa, Piper sits in the chair with a mask on her face. She can hear the conversation clearly.)
MANICURIST: I mean I know it's not murders in this case, but it might as well be. I mean those kids are coming back like zombies or something. Vegetables. God only knows what that sick pervert's doing to those poor kids.
(Piper's phone rings.)
MANICURIST: Uh, I'm sorry. (The curtain opens and the Manicurist looks at
Piper.) No cell phones.
PIPER: Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. (She answers it quietly.) (to phone) Hello? What? What? Leo, you locked yourself out of the house? With Wyatt? (groans) Oh, come on! All right, you know what? Fine. I'm on my way. I am on my way!
(Piper grabs her bag and heads out - mud mask and all.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - DAY]
(The first class of police academy starts. The students are all dressed in uniform - including Paige.)
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Welcome, cadets. You've chosen to become one of the few and the proud, a San Francisco city police officer. Over the next several days, however, you will be screened for potentially disqualifying behavior. You will be asked to critically analyze a situation and determine an appropriate course of action. You will be expected to act assertively and without hesitation, but without overreacting. And you will be tested to see if you can make quick, responsible decisions under pressure.
(He looks at Paige.)
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Am I making myself clear?
PAIGE: Perfectly.
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: What's your name, cadet?
PAIGE: Jo. Bennet.
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: I'm gonna keep an eye on you, Bennet.
(The cute training instructor smiles at her. He continues.)
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Making poor choices and failure to exhibit sound judgment
in a crisis situation are all negative attributes that can and will disqualify you from this academy.
(The instructor's voice fades into the background.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Sometimes signs are so obvious only a fool could miss them, and
Paige is no fool.
CUE SOUND: WHITELIGHTER JINGLE
(Paige gasps, grimaces and touches her temple.)
PAIGE: Unh! Ooh!
(The training instructor stops in front of Paige. She quickly puts her hand down.)
PAIGE: Oh. Hi.
TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: You all right?
PAIGE: No. Yeah. Horrible migraine. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to go.
(Paige quickly runs out of the classroom.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) It's not easy starting new lives, following new signs,
especially when the old ones keep getting in the way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY]
(Billie throws the athame at Black Heart. The athame misses her and embeds in the wall near her head.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Aw, no fair. You moved! (Black Heart throws a power ball at Billie who moves in time for the ball to hit the trash bin. She tumbles forward just as Black Heart throws another power ball, missing her.) (She cartwheels back as Black Heart throws a third power ball, again missing her. She flips backward jumping and missing the fourth power ball that hits up above the garbage bin. She lands on top of the garbage bin as another power ball hits the bin.)
(Black Heart gasps.)
(Billie jumps down to the ground.)
BILLIE JENKINS: What are you trying to do, kill me?
(Black Heart glares at her.)
CUE SOUND: ORBING
(They both turn as Paige orbs into the alley.)
BILLIE JENKINS: You again?
(Black Heart black orbs out of the alley.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Look what you did! I had her.
PAIGE: Then why did you call for me ... again?
BILLIE JENKINS: Um, I didn't call you. I don't even know you.
PAIGE: Then maybe your inner witch does because ... sadly ... I'm your
Whitelighter.
BILLIE JENKINS: (shrugs) Whatever that means. (Billie rolls her eyes and hurries past Paige. Paige grabs her arm to stop her.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Hey, let go of me!
PAIGE: I can't. Not until I help you.
BILLIE JENKINS: I don't need anybody's help.
(Billie turns to leave. Paige orbs in front of her, blocking her path.)
PAIGE: Well, you need my help whether you like it or not.
BILLIE JENKINS: Are you a cop?
PAIGE: No.
BILLIE JENKINS: Good. Hyah!
(Billie hits Paige. Paige blocks the punch and hits Billie back. Paige blocks Billie's kick, then deflects Billie's punch. The two fight and are evenly matched. Every punch Billie throws at Paige, she deflects.) (After a series of parrying, Paige hits Billie across the face, knocking off her sunglasses and black wig. Billie turns and looks at Paige.)
PAIGE: You're a blonde? (Billie gets to her feet. She holds out her hand and the athame flies back to her handle first. She catches it, and flips it over.)
(She takes off.)
BILLIE JENKINS: See ya.
(Billie leaves. Paige is stunned as she watches Billie leave.)
(Nearby, a blonde-haired teenager gets up from the side of the alley. She looks at Paige.)
ALICIA: Help! Somebody just tried to kidnap me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(COMMERCIAL SET)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY]
(Paige sits down at the scrying table - Billie's black wig in one hand and the scrying crystal in the other. She immediately starts looking for the owner of the wig.)
(Phoebe enters the attic carrying two cups with her.)
PHOEBE: There you are! I got you your coffee drink. Vanilla non-fat latte,
no whipped cream, right? (Phoebe puts the coffee tray with two cups of coffee in it on the scrying table.)
PAIGE: Am I that predictable?
PHOEBE: Well, everybody is when it comes to their coffee drink.
(Phoebe giggles.)
PHOEBE: Ohh.
PAIGE: Oh, I take it it went well with Dex.
PHOEBE: Oh, yes, it did. I mean, I'm not ready to marry the guy obviously yet,
but, you know, I could do worse. Actually, you know, I've done worse before.
PAIGE: Yeah, well, you maybe want to take it a little bit slow despite your premonition.
PHOEBE: Do you know where Piper is? I got her a caramel macchiato.
PAIGE: No, I don't. I just got home.
(Phoebe realizes that Paige is scrying.)
PHOEBE: Paige, are you scrying? You're not supposed to be scrying.
PAIGE: Why don't you just go yell at my charge, okay? Because she won't leave
me alone.
(Phoebe notices the wig.)
PHOEBE: So you scalped her?
PAIGE: No, I did not. I was out and about when she called, and I found her
fighting a demon.
PHOEBE: Another one?
PAIGE: Mm-hmm.
(Phoebe sits down, suddenly interested.)
PHOEBE: How'd she do?
PAIGE: Not as good as she thought she did. But at least she saved an innocent.
PHOEBE: An innocent? What innocent?
PAIGE: One of those missing teens. At least she got to her before it was too
late. I think if I can find that little witch, I can finally be done with all of this stuff.
PHOEBE: By vanquishing the demon?
PAIGE: It's the general idea. I don't want to be doing this, you know.
PHOEBE: Paige, it's completely understandable that you miss your old life so much that --
PAIGE: I don't. Maybe a tiny, tiny little bit, but not enough to make me go back. Definitely not. This is just something I have to do.
PHOEBE: Okay. Then I'll help you.
PAIGE: No, no, no. I think the more of us that are involved, the more we risk exposure. I'm gonna be okay.
PHOEBE: Okay.
(Phoebe gets up to leave; Paige stops her.)
PAIGE: Oh, oh, oh! Hey, the paper called for you.
PHOEBE: Really? What did they want?
PAIGE: Well, I think they want to talk to you, or cousin you, obviously.
PHOEBE: I wonder what they wanted.
PAIGE: Well, I think they just want some quotes from you. You know, the "Ask
Phoebe" tribute and all. I don't think they'll figure anything out. I think you'll be okay. On the bright side, you'll get to see Dex again. (She makes kissy noises at Phoebe. Phoebe perks up, smiles, turns and heads out the attic.)
(At the doorway, she stops and looks back at Paige.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs can come at any time and from anywhere, ...
(Paige is at the scrying table continuing to scry.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... but when you get one, you have no choice but to follow it,
even if it leads you right into danger. (Phoebe turns to leave just as the scrying crystal hits the map. Paige looks at the map.)
PAIGE: Heh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY]
(Black Heart reports back to Haas.)
HAAS: How could you let her get away? Every innocent counts, especially with
who we're ultimately trying to lure.
BLACK HEART: I didn't let her get away. A witch -
HAAS: If you can't handle one lousy witch --
BLACK HEART: It wasn't just one!
HAAS: What do you mean?
BLACK HEART: I mean somebody else came to help.
HAAS: Another witch?
BLACK HEART: No. A Whitelighter. Probably hers.
HAAS: Wasn't one of The Charmed Ones a Whitelighter?
BLACK HEART: Half. Why?
HAAS: Because maybe it wasn't just a Whitelighter who came to help. Maybe it was really her sister.
BLACK HEART: That's impossible. Neither of them looked anything like --
HAAS: They wouldn't. They'd be in disguises. Magical disguises. Perhaps we're closer than we think.
BLACK HEART: What if we are? How could we kill them when no other demon could?
HAAS: We don't try. We can't. But what we can do is take them on the same wild ride as the others with the same inevitable result.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY]
(Piper is buried under her blankets.)
PIPER: (muffled) I give up! It's no use. I quit.
(Leo is standing by the doorway, his arms folded.)
LEO: Quit? Quit what? What's the matter?
PIPER: (muffled) Everything! I can't have a normal life when I can't even
have a normal day! (Leo smiles and climbs onto the bed, his arms reaching under the blankets for Piper.)
PIPER: (muffled) Not now, Leo! I'm not in the mood!
(He lies down on the bed next to her.)
LEO: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come on! Like that's what I want. Come on, just
talk to me, okay? What is it?
PIPER: (muffled) Nothing. (She pushes the blankets down.) It's just -- it's not what I expected, that's all. And every time I try to do something for myself, something comes along to mess it up. And aside from all the demon fighting, it's not that much different than it used to be.
LEO: Look, I'm sorry I locked myself out of the house. Okay?
PIPER: No, it's not that. That's not the point.
(Piper gets up, stands up and steps over Leo as she gets out of bed.)
PIPER: Just -- you know what? Forget it.
(Leo sighs.)
LEO: Look, this all just happened, okay? You're starting over. You have to be
patient. Ok, trust me. It's gonna take some time.
PIPER: Time? How much more time? I just lost all my twenties. How much more time do you want?
LEO: What do you mean?
PIPER: (sighs) I mean, it just ... feels like I just woke up and I misplaced a huge chunk of my life. I mean, it went by so fast. Seven years ago, I was fresh out of college, I was single, I was cooking, I was trying to become a chef, and then -- boom! Suddenly, "Hello! Hi! You're a witch. And by the way, so is your whole family," and we're saving innocents, then I'm somebody's wife, and then I'm somebody's mother and I'm somebody's boss and I'm somebody's something. And I just -- I don't know how to start over. I've been so many things for so long, I don't know who I am anymore.
LEO: Well, I know who you are.
(He smiles confidently at her. He stands up and walks over to her.)
LEO: You're an amazing mom, and you're an amazing wife, and most importantly an
amazing person.
(He gently holds her - one hand on her cheek, the other hand around her waist.)
PIPER: (quietly embarrassed) Stop.
LEO: No. You are. But you can't sacrifice yourself for so many people and for
so many years and not expect a transitional period. You have to be patient.
PIPER: And what I do about the guilt?
LEO: What guilt?
PIPER: The guilt I feel when I know very bad things are happening out there, and I'm not doing anything about it. Like those missing kids.
LEO: Well, bad things are always gonna happen, Piper. You know they happened long before you became a witch and they're gonna continue to happen long afterwards. But you've paid your dues. You've been selfless. Now it's time to be selfish. You deserve it. We all do.
(Piper leans forward and holds on to Leo.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY]
CUE SOUND: (PRE-LAP) ELEVATOR BELL
[INT. THE BAY MIRROR -- DAY]
(The elevator doors open. Phoebe looks and smiles as she steps inside.)
PHOEBE: We've gotta stop meeting like this.
(Dex is there.)
DEX LAWSON: Yeah? Who says?
PHOEBE: (v.o.) Sometimes signs are subtle, easily missed, but if you're lucky
enough to catch them, they tend to send you in the right direction.
(Phoebe looks at the elevator directional green arrow pointing upward.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. BILLIE'S DORM ROOM -- DAY]
(The door opens and Billie returns to her room. She turns her light on.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) On the other hand, if you miss them, they can bite you in the
ass big time. (She turns around and finds Paige sitting at her desk and holding the black wig in her hand.)
(Paige stands up.)
PAIGE: Drop something?
(Billie sighs.)
(busted.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(COMMERCIAL SET)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. BILLIE'S DORM ROOM -- DAY]
(Paige opens the cabinet and tosses the wig inside. She closes the door and turns to talk with Billie.)
PAIGE: Nice costume. Where'd you get it?
BILLIE JENKINS: Saks. You like it.
PAIGE: No. Witches don't actually wear costumes.
BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, really? The conical hat, the broomstick. That's just everyday wear?
PAIGE: I meant recently.
BILLIE JENKINS: Well, you should be more specific.
PAIGE: I'll try to remember that for next time. Thanks for the tip! What's your name anyway?
BILLIE JENKINS: What's yours?
PAIGE: Jo.
BILLIE JENKINS: Billie.
PAIGE: Well, Billie, seems as if we have a bit of a problem here.
BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, yeah? You know, actually, my problem is is that you're just killing my buzz.
PAIGE: (chuckles) Buzz? That's what you're calling fighting demons?
BILLIE JENKINS: Beats the hell out of video games.
PAIGE: This isn't a game, okay? This is real. Deadly real.
BILLIE JENKINS: You can't use an adverb with a noun.
PAIGE: Chair! (Paige orbs the chair to behind Billie. She slides the chair forward forcing Billie to sit down.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Oh!
PAIGE: Okay, here's the thing. People are getting killed, so you are gonna tell me everything I want to know, and you're gonna tell it to me now, otherwise we're gonna go at it again.
BILLIE JENKINS: Fine. I'm listening.
PAIGE: How long have you been a witch?
BILLIE JENKINS: Not long. Just up till really recently, I noticed I had these powers. So I bought a couple of books and I figured it out.
PAIGE: And you figured out how to track demons that way?
BILLIE JENKINS: I'm good.
(Paige scoffs.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Well, I am. (She starts to get up, but stops.) Look, let me-
May I?
(Paige motions for her to continue.)
(Billie walks over to her desk and takes out the newspaper clippings.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, well, first, I noticed that all the missing kids had
Alice-like names. You know, like Alicia, Allison, Alastair, Alex --
PAIGE: This has to do with what?
BILLIE JENKINS: Alice? You know, like "Alice in Wonderland."
(Paige shakes her head.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, when the victims were found, they were saying all these
weird things, like mad hatters, white rabbits, stone caterpillars. Had to be something demonic, right? It was just too cool not to be.
PAIGE: Um, no. Actually demonic isn't so cool. It's kind of a bad thing.
BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, whatever. Anyways, I inputted it all into the computer, I hooked the crystal up to the GPS system, I started scrying for the demon, and voila! There he was! Or there she was. Are most demons chicks?
PAIGE: Uh, no, no, not always. Uh, you figured this all out by yourself?
BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah.
PAIGE: Ok, in that case, I'm gonna need you to stay put while I go deal with this.
BILLIE JENKINS: Wait? What?!
PAIGE: You are in way over your head, Billie. That's why you called for my help.
BILLIE: I did not call for you!
BILLIE JENKINS: Just let me and my sisters deal with this, okay?
BILLIE: Wait? What sisters? Are they witches, too?
PAIGE: Just stay here! I'll be back.
(Billie tries to move, but Paige puts a hand up to stop her.)
PAIGE: Uh! Stay!
(Paige orbs out.)
(As soon as she's gone, Billie sits down and turns the computer on to scry.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. THE BAY MIRROR - BULLPEN -- DAY]
(Dex walks into the Bay Mirror.)
DEX LAWSON: Hey, Julie.
PHOEBE: Dex, hey! What are you doing here?
DEX LAWSON: Well, you know, I just thought I'd stop by and see how things went
with the tribute.
PHOEBE: Oh, actually, it had nothing to do with the tribute.
DEX LAWSON: No?
PHOEBE: Well, apparently the newspaper's having a hard time getting the advice column out ever since --you know.
DEX LAWSON: Yeah.
PHOEBE: So they asked me to help out a little bit, which I thought was kind of weird, but I said sure because I'm here and not doing anything, you know.
DEX LAWSON: Well, you look like you're enjoying yourself.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
(She sees the copy boy and stops him.)
PHOEBE: Oh, hey, um, get this to copy right away, and make sure that "Worried
in Walnut Creek" is before "Bummed in Boston" because it just flows better, okay? Thanks.
(She turns her attention back to Dex.)
PHOEBE: Heh. Deadlines.
DEX LAWSON: I wonder what made them ask you, of all people.
PHOEBE: I don't know. They said something about hoping -
DEX LAWSON: It might run in the family?
PHOEBE: Yes. That's exactly what they said.
(Dex nods knowingly.)
PHOEBE: Wait a minute. Did you have --
DEX LAWSON: I ran into your editor in the elevator. Told her I thought you
might be able to help. Hey, anything's better than the crap they've been printing, right?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Thanks, I think. Heh!
DEX LAWSON: Look, I was just trying to protect your cousin's column. You know, I was her biggest fan.
PHOEBE: I can see that. It's too bad you never got to know her.
DEX LAWSON: Well, um ... maybe you could catch me up over dinner.
(Phoebe smiles.)
VOICE (MAN): Hey! Turn up the TV.
REPORTER (WOMAN): (from tv) A fourth victim, Alice Robbins, 18, has just been
discovered walking down the middle of Market Street without any sense of who she was or what she was doing. (On the monitor, they show someone on a gurney being put in the back of an ambulance. The bottom caption on screen reads: BREAKING NEWS, VICTIM FOUND
ALIVE.)
REPORTER (WOMAN): (from tv) Witnesses say that, like the others, she was
mumbling incoherently. In this case, about a path that leads nowhere and smiles without faces.
PHOEBE: (softly to herself) Smiles without faces.
DEX LAWSON: What the hell's going on out there?
(Phoebe figures it out.)
PHOEBE: Uh, I have to go now.
(She heads for the door.)
DEX LAWSON: What?
PHOEBE: I'll call you. I'm sorry.
(Phoebe leaves. Dex looks around.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(Phoebe rushes into the Conservatory to share her news only to find Piper, Paige and Leo lounging on the chairs.)
PHOEBE: The teens are being lured by a fairy tale.
PIPER: Yeah. "Alice in Wonderland." We know.
PHOEBE: What do you mean you know?
PAIGE: Billie.
PHOEBE: Billie? Who is Billie?
LEO: Paige's new charge. What I don't understand is why Alice in Wonderland. Why did the demon pick that one?
PHOEBE: Are you kidding? It's all about the loss of innocence, the need for escape, the search for one's identity.
(Phoebe sits down next to Piper.)
PIPER: Well, if that's the case, I'm surprised it didn't lure us, too.
PAIGE: Maybe it was meant to. Why else would a demon go through all that
trouble? What, just to mess with a couple of kids?
LEO: Possibly.
PAIGE: I think these signs are too elaborate not to be meant for us.
PIPER: And Billie.
PAIGE: Well, no, I don't think it was meant for her. I think she just found it.
PHOEBE: Which makes her one smart witch.
PAIGE: Yeah, maybe too smart for her own good, I think.
PIPER: So you think this is a trap?
PAIGE: Could be.
PHOEBE: Ok, then what do we do? I mean we can't go after the demon.
PIPER: Well, if we don't do anything, then more innocents will be hurt.
LEO: Innocents are always gonna get hurt.
PIPER: I know, Leo, but it's a little bit different when we're aware of it. I don't think this is something we can ignore. So how do we find them?
PAIGE: Well, Billie knows how. I'll go get her scrying stuff and you stay and make potions, okay?
PHOEBE: What if she figures us out?
PAIGE: I don't think she's gonna figure this out because to her this is all just a lovely little game.
PIPER: Yeah, well, it's one we'd better win. FLASH TO:
[INT. SEWERS -- NIGHT]
(Billie is walking cautiously in the sewers.)
(Haas and Black Heart step out in front of her.)
HAAS: We've been waiting for you.
(Haas suddenly turns and hits Billie. She flies backwards across the tunnel and hits the ground with a thud.)
(She coughs as they walk up to her.)
HAAS: Ah! I'm curious. Which one are you? Phoebe? Piper? Paige?
BILLIE: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
HAAS: I think not.
(Billie coughs.)
HAAS: (to Black Heart) Send her through. Then after her sisters find her
wandering the streets and come looking for revenge, we will send them through, too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(COMMERCIAL SET)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- NIGHT]
(Phoebe is filling the vials with potion when Paige returns.)
PIPER: Where's Billie?
PAIGE: In big trouble. She decided to go after the demons by herself.
(Paige has the laptop and sits at the table.)
PIPER: What?
PHOEBE: Know where to find her?
PAIGE: I think so. I took this from her computer, showing me how she scryed.
PIPER: She was scrying with a computer?
PHOEBE: That's pretty state of the art.
PAIGE: Right. Well, it just might get her killed faster.
(The computer beeps and a red dot appears immediately on the center of the monitor.)
PAIGE: Got her. Okay.
PIPER: Hang on a second. Wait one second. What if Billie doesn't need saving?
PAIGE: What?
PHOEBE: You have any idea what she's talking about?
PIPER: I'm talking about what if Billie is part of the trap?
PAIGE: Oh, that is absurd.
PIPER: Is it? Think about it. Either she's as smart as you think she is and she's figured all of this out by herself, or --
PHOEBE: She's working with the demons.
PAIGE: Oh, please.
PIPER: Come on, Paige. How well do you really know her? She could've planted all of the signs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE]
(Billie is in a dark place. Behind her is a shaft of white light. All around her are overlapping voices.)
VOICE: Why is everyone like a desk, huh? (There are flashes of images around her. She turns around and looks up at the white light, but has to put a hand to block its brightness from her eyes.)
HAAS: Ha ha ha!
VOICE: Twinkle, twinkle!
HAAS: Off with her head!
(Billie gasps. A very large Black Heart appears carrying an executioner's axe.)
BLACK HEART: Ha ha ha!
(She swings the axe. Billie ducks back into darkness, away from the light. She tucks and rolls backward, pulling out her athame.) (White alphabet letters appear and disappear around her. The voices get louder and louder. She puts her hands over her ears to block out the sounds.)
(Suddenly, she's pulled down further into the darkness.)
(There, everything stops.)
(Billie turns around and screams.)
(In front of her is a giant red-eyed rat.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Oh! Help!
HAAS: Kill her!
(Billie starts running.)
HAAS: I said Kill her! Right now!
VOICE: Off with her head!
VOICE: Kill her!
(Behind her, she's being chased by a deck of cards with Haas' image on some of them.)
HAAS: Run for your life, girl!
(Billie tucks and rolls. When she stands up, everything stops.)
(Billie breathes heavily.)
(Suddenly, she finds a thick set of shackles around her wrists. She shakes them, but they won't come off.)
(She's pulls back and finds herself standing in a witness box.)
BILLIE JENKINS: What is happening to me?
(Floating in front and above her is a large image of Black Heart's head.)
BLACK HEART: "I'll be the judge and the jury," said the cunning old fury.
(Haas' head appears next to it.)
HAAS: "And I'll try the whole case then condemn you to death."
(A large swinging executioner's axe materializes into the air, swings and heads for Billie. It vanishes before it reaches her.)
(It hits Black Heart instead.)
BLACK HEART: (screams) No!
(Black Heart explodes.)
(Haas turns and looks at Billie. He vanishes.)
(The shackles around Billie's wrists vanish as well.)
(Billie looks at her hands. The witness box she's standing in vanishes around her.
(Out of the darkness, Billie hears Paige's voice.)
PAIGE'S VOICE: Billie, are you all right?
BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah.
(Billie walks through the sewers.)
(Haas is alone and confused.)
HAAS: What have you done? How did you do this? You killed her.
(In front of them are the Charmed Ones.)
PIPER: Bright side? At least she got to meet us first.
(Haas stands up.)
HAAS: I should've never underestimated you. I knew you were alive.
PHOEBE: Too bad you won't be around long enough to tell anybody.
(Haas pulls back his hand to throw something, but he never gets the chance to power up. The girls throw their potions vials at him and he explodes - but not immediately. Billie gasps. He screams in pain, burning in front of them. Then he explodes.)
(Billie's stoked and excitedly rushes up to them.)
BILLIE JENKINS: Wow!
PIPER: You're welcome.
BILLIE: I can't believe this. You guys really are The Charmed Ones.
(Piper clears her throat.)
BILLIE: I did a little research after you left. The newspapers said you all
died in some terrible accident. And which one are you?
(She looks at Paige. Paige hesitates.)
PAIGE: I would be Paige.
PHOEBE: What do we do?
PIPER: Blow her up?
PAIGE: Piper!
PIPER: What? Do you have any better ideas?
BILLIE JENKINS: I'm not gonna tell anyone if that's what you think. I promise.
PIPER: What's the catch?
BILLIE JENKINS: Well, show me the ropes. Teach me everything you know about
witchcraft. Everything.
PHOEBE: Forget it.
PAIGE: Wait a second. What do you have to offer?
BILLIE JENKINS: I can help you guys fight the demons so you don't have to do it all the time. I mean, I assume that is why you faked your own deaths, right?
PIPER: You're right. She is too smart for her own good.
PAIGE: All right. One condition. Lose the cheap vinyl outfit.
BILLIE JENKINS: (disappointed) Oh.
PAIGE: Sorry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. SAN FRANCISCO (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
PHOEBE: (v.o.) It's funny sometimes where signs lead you --
[EXT. SAN FRANCISCO (STOCK) - DAY]
PHOEBE: (v.o.) -- rarely where you thought you'd go, but always where you
belong.
[INT. POLICE ACADEMY - CLASSROOM -- DAY]
(Paige is back at the police academy classroom desperately kissing the cute training instructor.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) In Paige's case, though she realized that being a cop wasn't her cup of tea, being with a certain cop was.
[INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY]
(Piper is back in her bedroom applying her own cold cream mask to her face.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) For Piper, the only sign she really needed was the one that
reminded her she wasn't alone. (Behind her, Leo walks in and smiles as he heads for her. He kisses the back of her neck making her laugh.) (He moves around in front of her and she tries to wipe the cream off his face with the back of her wrist and messes it up instead.)
PIPER: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Here. Oh, well.
(Instead, she puts a dab of cream on his nose making him laugh.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. THE BAY MIRROR - PHOEBE'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(Phoebe's back in her old office typing on the computer.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) As for me, I discovered that, just like Alice, no matter how
wild the ride, signs will sometimes lead you right back to where you started from ... changed, different ... but ... home.
(She picks up her BAY MIRROR ID badge for Julie Bennet.)
(Through her office window, we see Dax in the bullpen.)
[CLOSE-UP: COMPUTER MONITOR]
(Phoebe types as she reads.)
PHOEBE: (v.o.) And they all lived happily ever after ...


The Kerwin house - Kitchen
Toby: Last Day of school, here I come. When he enters the kitchen, he takes from Ashley the muffin she was eating.
Jeff: Ash, we're going to drop you and Toby off on our way, ok? (To Kate) You ready?
Kate: I'll be there in a minute.
Jeff: Ok. Come on Tobs. Oh, working the muscles I see? You're going to be such a girlie boy. (As they go out the door) Come with me! Let me eat you! Ashley laughs
Kate: Here's Mrs. Rehn's number, in case you need anything.
Ashley: Stop worrying. Toby and I are going to be fine. You're just going overnight.
Kate: I know. I'm a being a mother. Ok, so tonight...?
Ashley: I know. One friend over each and no parties. I heard.
Kate: Good for you for being so responsible. Degrassi - Ms. Kwan's Class
Ms. Kwan: A student I'll never forget. Even after years and years of therapy. Who could that be? (Spinner gets up to get his award)
Spinner: I'll never forget you either, Ms. Kwan.
Ms. Kwan: Have a good break, Mr. Mason Media Immersion
Mr. Simpson: Well what can I say? It's been great teaching all of you. (Emma raises her hand) Emma?
Emma: We're gonna miss you too, Mr. Simpson. So, look at the screen. (Everyone crowds around) See the present icon? Click it. (When he does, we hear kids shout "Thank you Mr. Simpson" and the grade 7's heads pop up, saying great things about him)
Mr. Simpson: This is incredible. Ms. Kwan's Class
Ms. Kwan: This one needs no explanation. The student of all students. Drumroll please. (Jimmy does one on the desk) Ashley Kerwin. (Ashley gets up to get it)
Ashley: Thanks, Ms. Kwan.
Ms. Kwan: (Hugs Ashley) I'm gonna miss you. (Ashley sits back down)
Ashley: Student of all students? That is so lame.
Terri: I think it's sweet. (Paige sticks out her tongue, puts her finger in her mouth pretending to gag, to Hazel)
Ms. Kwan: This next award is for Dave, because he puts the capital G in good student. Media Immersion Mr. Simpson is looking at what they gave him, very happy, when the bell rings.
Mr. Simpson: Ok, go. Go clean out your lockers and have a great safe vacation.
Liberty: Bye Mr. Simpson.
Mr. Simpson: Adios.
Kid: Ciao, Mr. Simpson.
Mr. Simpson: Bye-bye. Hall Ashley, Paige and Terri are cleaning out their lockers.
Paige: Wow, the Kerwin/Issacs prison. What's Jimmy gonna say when he finds out?
Jimmy: Finds out what? (Kind of spins Ashley around)
Ashley: That I can only have one friend over tonight.
Paige: And she invited Terri. Not you or me.
Jimmy: Oh, ok.
Ashley: I thought you'd be upset.
Jimmy: (With his hand in Ashley's hair) Rules are rules, right? We'll do something tomorrow. Jimmy leaves.
Ashley: Ok, am I missing something here?
Paige: No, just the chance to hang out w/ me + have way too much fun.
Ashley: Paige, if you really want to come over, whatever. (She leaves. Paige shrugs and goes back to cleaning her locker) Hall
JT: So girls, what are your plans for this very momentous eve?
Emma: Girls' night at my place. Meaning no boys allowed especially boys named Sean. (He walks by as she said that) Hall
(Toby and JT are being a trash can to their lockers to clean them out)
Toby: Maybe she's learned that bad boys only lead to heartache.
JT: And now she's looking for a good boy? One named Toby? Not likely. What you need is a new approach. (Sean walks by) Sean's approach. Hey Sean! Toby here is having the boys over tonight. To play some cards, talk girls, guy stuff. Wanna come?
Sean: No. (He starts to walk away)
JT: You know Emma's gonna be there.
Sean: (As he turns around + stops walking) Emma?
Toby: Yeah we're...
JT: Having the girls over...later.
Sean: Ok. (He leaves)
Toby: (Pushes JT up against a locker) Are you insane?
JT: After tonight's little tutoring session, Emma will be all yours. Trust me.
Hall
(Ashley and Terri are walking. Terri is throwing some things out as they pass trashcans)
Ashley: Do you think Jimmy's reaction was weird? About tonight?
Terri: No I think he was just trying to be a good boyfriend.
Ashley: A good boyfriend would wanna come over no matter what. My parents are away... he should... never mind.
Terri: Anyway I thought you were cooling on it.
Ashley: Exactly the opposite. After you've been going out for awhile, things get deeper.
Terri: Oh.
Ashley: Unless he's cooling on me.
Terri: I don't think that's how it is.
Ashley's Paige and Hazel are outside. Ashley clears her throat to get their attention.
Paige: Ok, before you go all parental on me, I forgot. Hazel and I had plans tonight. I didn't think it would be a problem.
Ashley: No, it's fine. There is loud noise heard and Toby and JT come outside, all dirty from whatever it was. They are coughing. Toby wants to go back inside but JT stops him.
Toby: Ash.
Ashley: Ok, I know Mom + Jeff said only one friend each...
JT: But nothing Ashley. It's our pleasure to share this fine evening with such lovely young ladies. (Before going inside, he winks at Paige)
Paige: Did that... THING... just wink at me? Everyone laughs. Inside Ashley They are watching a scary movie wearing 3-D glasses. Hazel screams and covers her eyes when something happens.
Terri: Guys I can't handle this.
Paige: Do you really think the star's gonna die?
Ashley: Paige, you're ruining the movie. There is a knock at the door.
Paige: I didn't invite anyone else honest. Sean comes in. They all look.
Ashley: Sean? What are you doing here?
Sean: Toby invited me.
Ashley: Toby? Little scammer. They're upstairs. (He leaves) Ok, Toby's hanging out with Sean? That's weird.
Paige: Has Sean become such a total babe since that fight or what? (They laugh then all scream because of the movie) Toby's Room Toby, JT, and Sean are playing cards.
JT: So Sean girls. Care to share your expertise?
Sean: Wh-what?
JT: You know on how you score like Sundien.
Sean: I don't.
JT: Come on. Girls like drool over you.
Sean: I don't know. I just act like myself, I guess. Why? Who do you like?
Toby: So guys we gonna play or what?
Sean: Emma knows I'm here, right?
JT: Yup.
Sean: And she's fine with this?
JT: Of course. Even more fine is this. I brought us a little party favor boys. (He takes out of a bag a drug)
Toby: Aspirin.
Sean: Ecstasy.
Toby: E? JT, what'd...
JT: Ecstasy is the love drug, right? There's a whole room of girls down there needing some love.
Sean: I don't know man. This stuff's pretty intense.
JT: Better be, I paid my cousin 2 weeks allowance for it. Let's split it.
Sean: Ok give me the pill. (JT hands it to Sean) I'll do it. (He leaves the room)
JT: What?
Toby: Not a good idea. Kitchen Ashley is preparing food and drinks for her and her friends when Sean comes in.
Ashley: Hey Sean. Having fun upstairs?
Sean: A little too much fun. (Throws her E)
Ashley: Is that...? Sean you brought drugs?
Sean: Not me, JT.
Ashley: JT? Toby? They're way too young to be experimenting with drugs. Sean gets an aspirin and cuts it in half with a knife.
Sean: Flush it down the sink. They'll never know the difference. (He leaves) Ashley looks at the E. Toby's Room
JT: Toby, come on. Wanna be a bad boy? Start acting like one.
Sean: (Opens food) Bad boy?
Toby: Ignore him. (Takes the aspirin) Let's just do it.
JT: Sure you don't wanna join us?
Sean: Yeah my social worker would kill me.
JT: Ok. (Eats it)
Sean: Hey wait. Chew it slowly. Gives you a better high. Kitchen Ashley picks up the E and sticks it in her apron. She picks up the food when Paige comes in the kitchen.
Paige: Terri's slipping in video numero two. Sorry, but uh, this get together, is getting seriously lame.
Ashley: Ok then. What do you wanna do?
Paige: Invite Jimmy over. Just stop being boring and break a rule for once.
Ashley: I already did.
Paige: Then invite him again. Hun, you just need to live a little. 'Cause you're pretty cool when you do honest. (She leaves) Ashley sets the food down and calls Jimmy.
Ashley: Jimmy come over. We'll have fun, together. (Takes the E out of her apron as she talks. After she hangs up with Jimmy, she takes the E and gags from the taste after she swallows it) Toby's Room
JT: Toby, I'm floating, on a fluffy white cloud.
Toby: Right.
JT: Can't you feel it? How can you not feel it?
Toby: I'm starting to, I think. JT puts his hands on the lava lamp and makes buzzing sounds. Sean watches it and can't believe what JT is doing)
Toby: Dude, this is incredible.
JT: Dude, this ecstasy. I'm feeling the love. It's time to call.
Sean: Emma? (Gives JT the phone)
JT: (Has the phone upside down, but flips it and then dials) Girls say hello to your destiny. Downstairs Ashley enters and steps on Hazel's hands.
Hazel: OW! Ash, my hand.
Ashley: Sorry. (She lays down. She watches the movie and screams really loud)
Paige: Ok now I'm officially deaf.
Ashley: Oh that was so scary. I bet you they heard my scream al the way in China. (They look at her weird as she laughs and then screams again) Outside Ashley's Emma, Liberty, and Manny are outside.
Manny: Guys, this is gonna be great. A real party. But if my dad finds out I'm here, I'm gonna be grounded until my wedding day. Ashley comes out.
Ashley: Hey you're not Jimmy and Spinner. Unless they had a s*x change. (She laughs) Liberty I didn't invite you. How did you know? Was I sending out psychic vibrations?
Emma: Uh, no. JT and Toby called.
Ashley: (Laughs) Yeah, one in inviting too many people. Liberty, I've wanted to tell you this for like forever. But I get you. You're like me only sorta not, you know?
Liberty: Uh... Inside Ashley's
Ashley: You guys look who's here: Liberty. (Ashley shuts off the movie and turns on music)
Terri: Ash... When she turns on music she starts dancing with Liberty.
Ashley: Get down Liberty! (She laughs as she takes off her apron and whirls it around)
Terri: Ash wanted to have fun tonight. I guess she's having fun. As she dances, Ashley breaks a vase. Paige starts to laugh, but stops.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby's Room JT is spinning around on a pole when there is a knock at the door. JT opens it.
Emma: Hello. (JT moves his tongue around) Toby?
JT: Welcome to the Issacs Zone of Invanite Love and Harmony. Sit.
Manny: Thanks, uh, for inviting us. Toby sits next to Emma.
JT: (Puts his hands as if he's praying) Shalom. Downstairs Jimmy and Spinner and some friends come in. Spinner has a watermelon.
Jimmy: Hey. What's going on?
Ashley: (Putting her hands in the air) Hey!
Spinner: This is my kind of party.
Ashley: Jimmy you're here, finally.
Jimmy: When did you decide to have a party? I thought your parents...
Ashley: Isn't this just incredible? (Hugs him)
Jimmy: Ash you're burning up.
Ashley: Oh I know. So hot in here.
Jimmy: Have you been drinking?
Ashley: No. (Near his ear) A...B...C...D...E.
Jimmy: Ecstasy? Where'd you get ecstasy?
Ashley: Toby, JT. One of them.
Jimmy: do you know how stupid that is?
Ashley: Stop being so melodramatic. I'm having fun you can too.
Jimmy: You need to drink water and lots of it. (Grabs her hand but she lets go) I can't believe you could take E.
Ashley: Ok calm down Dad. Paige is right loosen up a little bit.
Paige: (Whispers) Ecstasy?
Jimmy: Ash what...?
Ashley: I'm going upstairs to the bathroom. I'll drink some water from the toilet. (She laughs as she leaves the room. When she leaves everyone laughs except Jimmy) Toby's Room Sean enters.
Sean: Emma. Emma leaves.
Sean: Emma. Emma.
Emma: Sean, just leave me alone. If I knew you were gonna be here I would've stayed home.
Manny: I'll go find Liberty. (She goes downstairs)
Sean: Emma, can we talk, please?
Emma: There's nothing to talk about.
Sean: Emma you're not being fair.
Emma: Sean you went too far. We're over, as in finished. (She goes downstairs) Ashley comes out the bathroom.
Ashley: Sean. Are you ok? (He looks at her and he is crying) You need to talk to someone. Come on. (They go into a room)
Sean: This is so stupid.
Ashley: I know what you're going through.
Sean: How?
Ashley: Ok, everyone thinks you're bad, right? Well everyone thinks I'm this perfect boring girl. (They sit down)
Sean: I just thought Emma was so different.
Ashley: Why? She's just like Jimmy. She only sees...
Sean: What she wants to see.
Ashley: Exactly! Sean, don't cry. Don't cry. (She looks at his face and then she kisses him. After she kisses him, they kiss again, laying themselves down on her bed) Downstairs Everyone else is hanging out having fun. Toby comes downstairs
Toby: Hey Jimmy, have you seen Emma?
Jimmy: There you are, Mr. Drug Dealer.
Toby: What?
Jimmy: Don't you know that E leads to harder things, like my fist?
Toby: What do you care if I did E?
Jimmy: 'Cause you didn't. Ashley did. And she said she got it from you.
Toby: Sean switched it.
Jimmy: Sean? Sean's here?
Toby: Yeah, he's upstairs. Jimmy runs upstairs. While she drinks, Paige watches. Upstairs. Jimmy goes in a room but doesn't find Sean. Sean comes out of another room.
Jimmy: Sean...what...? As Sean goes downstairs, Ashley comes out of the same room Sean did.
Ashley: Jimmy, oh. (Jimmy looks at how her hair and clothes are messed up and goes downstairs so she follows him) Outside
Toby: Emma? (He sees her sitting) There you are. Look, it was stupid of me to invite Sean. And I want you to know the only reason I did is because... (Sean comes outside and leaves. When Emma sees him, she looks sad. When Sean looks back, he sees Emma hug Toby) Inside Ashley's
JT: 1...2...3... (He jumps and they catch him)
Jimmy: Where's Sean?
Ashley: Jimmy stop.
Jimmy: Where's Sean, Spinner?
Spinner: He left, like 2 minutes ago. Jimmy starts to leave but Ashley stops him.
Ashley: Jimmy stop. Ok, I know you're upset, but what just happened was the most intense experience of my life. It was like this telescope and I saw me, the real me.
Jimmy: Look, you don't know what you're saying.
Ashley: What?
Jimmy: it's not you, it's the drugs.
Ashley: Oh yeah keep going Dad. Keep telling me who I am.
Jimmy: Ash look...
Ashley: No, this is exactly why me and Sean just...he gets me, you...
Terri: Ash, stop.
Ashley: Ter, I love your shirt. It's so shiny, like stars.
Jimmy: I'm outta here.
Ashley: What I should have done is broken up with you on your birthday like I was going to.
Paige: Ash would you stop being such a hag already?
Ashley: Paige you are a hag. On two fronts: your looks and your personality. (She laughs) Paige gets a mean look on her face and leaves.
Ashley: Jimmy, just you don't have what Sean has and you never will. You're just not enough for me, sorry. Oh now you're upset, don't be, it's ok, it is, it's all good, it is. (As she talks she goes up to him but he pushes her away and then leaves and then everyone else does)
Spinner: Nice Ash.
Ashley: Guy, where are you going? Come on it's a party. Come on. Where's everyone going? Come on guys. Guys. (She dances and laughs) Come on. Downstairs - The next day Terri and Toby are cleaning when Ashley comes in the room in a bathrobe.
Ashley: Hey. When did that break?
Toby: While you were dancing with Liberty. When you were strung out on E. What were you thinking Ash?
Ashley: What was I thinking? What were you and JT doing with it in the first place?
Terri: Guys, it doesn't matter.
Ashley: Was I really that bad? (They don't answer) What if I just call Jimmy?
Terri: Ash, Paige won't talk to you. Do you really think Jimmy will?
Ashley: I'm such an idiot. How am I ever gonna face everyone again? (There is a knock at the door. Ashley runs to the door) Jimmy? (Someone comes in and it's Spinner with a box)
Spinner: here Jimmy doesn't want this stuff anymore.
Ashley: Spinner how is he?
Spinner: Just take it and don't call him. (He leaves) Ashley closes the door.
Terri: Ash?
Toby: Ok, somebody get this place cleaned up. (He goes in the other room) Ashley falls on the floor
Toby: They'll be home soon. I mean come on... Ashley is crying with Terri next to her.
Toby: Ash? You ok? (He goes back to where Ashley and Terri are and he goes next to her and hugs her)


Chick: It's not all kitchen scraps. It is one-third kitchen scraps. It is two-thirds browns, which are leaves, hay, straw, sawdust. But, you know, we're low on browns 'cause folks don't bring us browns. So who's our browns guy?
Chick: Well, we get donations from the woodshop, but, you know, we're always in need of browns. All right. Let's see what we can do about it.
Chick: We used to have a compost guru. - Ernie. - Oh yeah? He set this whole operation up. He educated all the gardeners, on greens, on browns, ratios, you know, all of that. And then, there was one Sunday and he was... He was comin' in and he was carrying these coffee grounds from the café across the street, and he stopped right there. Right there. And we just all said, "What's the matter, Ernie? What's the matter?" And, uh, he didn't say anything. He just looked at us with his bug eyes and then he just keeled over and died. Oh my God, that's so sad. Yeah. But you know what? He was very excited about being compost when he died, and he got his wish. - So that's nice. Yeah.
- The Guy: Yeah, that's nice. - I didn't know you could do that with your remains. - Oh yeah. But he's not in this compost, is he? Oh. He's all over the garden! You're joking, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm joking. - Okay. - Mm-hmm. I'm jokin'! - Funny. - (phone chimes) And so it begins. All right, Chick. I gotta go see a man about, um...
- Chick: A horse? - Sellin' him some weed. - Oh. You're welcome. - Uh... Thank you, Chick. Is this your dog? Oh my gosh. Oh, you're a very sweet dog, aren't you? Oh, you're one of those.
(laughs)
I know your type. All right, well. Listen, I'm gonna go, okay? See you around. Whoa, hey! Dude. Hey! What are you doin', dude? That's not safe. Hey. Why are you following me? [♪♪] Dude, why are you following me? - (barks)
- (laughs): What are you doin'?
[♪♪] (sighs)
All right.
(dog barks)
You're the most presuming dog that a human could know. Come on, get out of the street. You're f*ckin' crazy.
Ira Glass: How is she planning to?
Nancy: ...including the composting, whatever sound that makes. Like, I don't know if we'd wanna watch her die, but the conflict with the family, that's a story, like... Have we done something like recycling, but in like a broad sense?
- Ira: Recycling as a metaphor. - As a show.
Emanuele Berry: Well, like, what about actual recycling stuff? Like, do you guys know about the recycling in this building? - Wait. They don't recycle the recycling?
- Nancy: There is none. No. I thought that was true. - There just isn't recycling. - It's sorted downstairs. - It's not! - (laughing)
Sean Cole: We think we're recycling and we're not recycling. We're living a lie. We are all...
Nancy: You're the only one who still thought that there was recycling.
- Elna Baker: No, I didn't know that. - I've known this for a while. - I thought we all knew that?
- Elna: I didn't know that. I thought we all knew that, but I do like that some people don't know. It feels like telling them that Father Christmas is, like, not real.
Ira: Which is the one thing you can't say on the radio. You can't say that Santa isn't real on the radio, we run across this every Christmas.
Sean: Warnings before a Santa-is-not-real set. Well, screw that then!
Elna: Wait. What if we did a "It's Not Real" show? - Yeah. - Yeah. Okay, so there's this test that's a BDSM test, like a kink test, uh, and I took it, and I found out I'm a rope bunny. - (laughing) - Oh, God. You said that like it's a thing!
(laughing)
Zoe: What is a rope bunny?
It's somebody who likes to be tied up during s*x.
Zoe: I feel like that's like a lot of women.
- Lily: It's like a personal...
- Bim Adewunmi: You see?
(laughing)
But then anyway, it turns out none of it's real. Like the BDSM community... Wait, wait, wait. But I just wanna understand. You're saying you took a test. It told you you're a rope bunny. Now you find out the test is not real. So are you not a rope bunny? Um... I don't wanna... I don't know why I'm any saying any of this.
(laughing)
Ira: I'm going back to recycling.
Okay, can I just pitch recycling. What about like, like, recycling a relationship? Like somebody who comes back to a relationship. I don't know what that's like at all.
- Ira: Do you have that story?
- Sean: No, I'm not getting... Well, my, my, uh... My parents lied to me about getting divorced.
- Ira: Wait. Seriously?
- Yara: Yeah, yeah. Um... When I was 17, my mom and dad, they got legally divorced, but they didn't want to tell me until after I graduated high school, so... they pretended to stay married. But wait. They still lived together?
Yara: Yeah, they still lived together, and they pretended to stay together. Anyways, at my graduation, when I got my diploma, and I was walking back to my chair, I look up to my parents, and they're sitting in the bleachers and, uh, they're not looking at me, they're fighting. You know, I don't even know if they saw me graduate. And, uh, all of a sudden I see my dad, he storms off away from my mom, and he goes up to the top of the bleachers. He says that he must've leaned against a railing that was loose because, uh, he ended up falling on to the cement, 30 feet.
- Ira: What?!
- Yara: Yeah, and he lived! He lived. He lived. Um, and my mom, who I felt like had completely given up on my dad, uh, she made the choice to nurse him back to recovery. - And, uh... and they remarried.
- Woman: Oh wow, that's crazy.
- Ira: Wait. That made them fall in love again? - Yeah. Yeah. - No! - Wow. - It had a happy ending.
- Woman: Yeah. - I like a happy ending. - Aw.
Ira: Would they talk about it like on tape? - Do you think they would tell the story? - Yeah. - Sure, yeah.
- Ira: Sold. Movin' on.
Yara: Yeah, Dad, this is really exciting. It's a really big deal for me. It's my first story on the radio.
Yara's Dad (over phone): Oh, what is it? Well, I wanna tell the story about when you fell off the bleachers.
Yara's Dad: I don't think that's a good idea.
Yara: Dad doesn't wanna talk. He asks me to talk to Mom before talking to him, which leads me to believe that Mom has some information that I don't. - Maybe there's some...
- Woman: We have to go! - (couple arguing) - Just, I... Stop! Stop. I really like the happy ending, period. So is this a story about how vulnerability opens us up to love, question mark. Or is it about accepting, accepting people warts and all? - (keyboard clacking) - (Yara muttering) Mami, it's a really beautiful story.
Yara's Mom (over phone): That's a very painful time of my life, mija, and I don't wanna go there. Listen, I'm happy for you - but I like my privacy and respect that, okay? -(door buzzes)
Yara: Please, can you just think about it?
Yara's Mom (over phone): The answer is no. I'm sorry. All right. I gotta go, I gotta go. He's here.
Yara's Mom: Okay. Give Owen a kiss for me. - Have fun. - Okay. Bye. - Hi, Smoothie! - Hey, Smoothie. - How was your flight? - Good. - Ah. Thank you for these. - Yeah. - They're like five bucks a pop out here. - Oh, my God. - Your place is really coming together.
- Yara: Thanks, Smoothie. Oh, my God, I gotta tell you the coolest thing happened at work today. Oh, hey. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary, Smoothie. - (Owen moaning)
- Yara: Okay. Aah.
(bed squeaking)
Owen (panting): All right.
- (Yara sighs)
- Owen: Woo.
(sighs)
Oh, I think my mom regrets remarrying my dad. What makes you say that? Something she said on the phone. You need anything, Smoothie? Nah, I'm good, Smoothie. - How are we gonna celebrate tonight, dinner? - Sure. I don't want to get dressed up though. I'm fine with whatever you want. Uh... you want to just get stoned and order in? Sounds very romantic. Cool. I'll text him. Honestly, I didn't even like the, the prequel. But I'm saying, if you're gonna, like, do that franchise, you should probably f*ckin' step it up. [♪♪] You're kind of heavy. You know that? Whew! How are you back there? Comfy? This is Bushwick.
[♪♪] (both howling)
- Yara: Are you finished yet?
- Owen: So many questions.
"I enjoy feeling like a prey hunted by a predator"? What the f*ck is that?
- Yara: (laughs) It's a thing. Don't knock it. - I don't get it. Uh, I think I'm done. - Uh, I am...
- Yara: I can't wait for this. ...99 percent vanilla. - Mm-hmm. - Ninety-five percent daddy-mommy?
- Yara: Okay, Daddy. - (both laugh) And 95 percent rope bunny. Elna got rope bunny too. - What about you? - (door buzzes) A hundred percent hunter-prey.
- Owen: Really? - Mm-hmm. - Hello?
- The Guy (over intercom): Hi. I got a dog with me, but she's nice. Is it okay? Oh yeah, sure! Bring her in. That's fine.
- Owen: Really? - What? It's just a dog. This is why I go to dispensaries. - (dog barks)
- Both: Hey. Oh, sorry about that. - Hey. Relax. - (dog barks)
Yara: Hi. No, it's okay. Hi baby! What happened to her eye?
The Guy: I don't know. She just started following me, - and then, uh... I don't know, I got Annie'd.
- Yara: Aw. I got same old... indica, sativa, cartridges, edibles, all of which you like. I want a dog so bad. - Since when do you want a dog?
- Yara: Since always! I've seriously been thinking about it.
Owen: Yeah, but you work all the time, and this place is way too small for a dog. Oh, wait, you think I'd be a bad dog owner? No. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that it's a cute dog and now you're having pet FOMO. - Fear of Missing Ohho. - (Owen laughs) - You like that?
- Owen: Yeah, that's a good one.
- The Guy: It's a terrible joke. - (Yara laughs) Um, do you have any, like, beef jerky or anything like that? I mean, it's highly processed. I don't think, like, - it's good for a dog. - Right. Right. Cool. Cool. Cool.
- Owen: Right. - Cool, cool, cool... Okay, a hundred and twenty.
Owen: I know I'm terrible at gifts, but I think this time, I... - nailed it. - (Yara chuckles) - Happy anniversary. Yep. - Mm-hmm. - Hey, I'll be the judge of that. - Yeah? I saw it and it totally reminded me of you, so. What's wrong? What?
(laughs)
What's wrong? - Oops. - Oh...
(laughs)
Is this why it reminded you of me? You're f*cking kidding me?
(both laughing)
Actually, it's a really funny story. I'm sorry. Well, I'll take care of it. - What? - I'll take care of it. Take care of it... f*ck. - f*ck. Hold on. - What? No, I'm-I'm sorry. I'm just having like a... like a stoner moment. Um... Okay. Can I, can I tell you? - Uh...
- Owen: Yeah. All right. So my-my mom... she didn't have a choice, she had to take care of my dad because she's a woman, and she's supposed to be a caretaker. And if she didn't do it, then he would have been pissed at her, and then I would have been pissed at her too, and everyone would have been pissed at her. I mean, everyone may have been pissed for like a little bit, but... No, no, no, no. Still... Listen. It makes total sense. If I take care of you, then no one will be mad at me. I'm... I mean, that's... I don't think that's how it is anymore, though... Owen, come on, please. That's how it is for women. You don't know how it is. Yeah. But, I mean, you and your mom are like... two totally different people. It's different times and... Yeah, but I was literally conditioned, my whole life, to believe that my purpose was to nurture and support a husband. And the only way that I could justify not doing that was by... working really hard and making something really important. And so, I became this workaholic. And I'm pretty much the same as my mom then. Like, like, I have to... I have to do something so that people will love me. No, I mean, you don't have to do anything for anyone to love you. I love you, Smoothie. Well, yeah, I know. I know, and that is totally on purpose like... God, you are... You are nothing like... I mean, you don't even need me to take care of you, like... You're literally in nursing school, you're a natural caretaker. And your-your ambitions... Your ambitions are smaller. Like I genuinely believe that you're the only person in my life who is a man who will not take away my purpose. God, and that is so great. That is... that is so good for me because it's safe.
(keyboard clacking)
Owen: Ouch.
Why ouch? What are you talking about? I mean, you just said my main selling point is that...
(laughs)
that I'm not ambitious. - And, you know, I can... - Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. First of all, you're the one that said you didn't want to be a doctor. - And then, I can just take care of you.
- Yara: I was just quoting you. But I work my ass off, so... Yeah, I know, we both work our asses off. What I'm saying is that you're not like my dad and that's a good thing. It's not a codependent relationship.
(sighs)
It's not about being your dad or not being your dad. It's the fact that you just said that like I'm-I'm nothing... Are you f*cking kidding me with the mic? - You're f*cking recording this? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just laid out on me and then this is what I get? I'm sorry. I'm stoned. I'll turn it off. Well, yeah. You're definitely f*cked up.
(scoffs)
Can I ask you some questions or... - does it go one way? - No. Sure. Of course. What did you get me for our anniversary? Yeah. Happy anniversary, Smoothie.
(microphone clatters)
(door slams)
- (banging on door) - Come on, Leyla. It's been 20 minutes. Let's go! - Um, I called it after her. - I gotta be at work by 10:00. - It's 9:45 right now. - What?
Arnold: Bah-gock! Where's Kyra? Bah-cock-a-doodle-doo! You can have custody when you buy more than one set of sheets for your home!
Man (over phone): You don't know what's going on with my body anymore, Kyra. I've been looking all over this farm for Kyra! Is that you? Bah-gock! (in the melody of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"): ♪ It's your birthday, here we go ♪ ♪ I heard you're 49 ♪ ♪ No one's getting younger now ♪ ♪ You're runnin' out of time ♪ ♪ With a hemorrhoid here and a bad back there ♪ ♪ Better get yourself better medical care ♪ ♪ Old Miss Kyra's 49 and runnin' out of time! ♪ (laughter and cheering)
Man (over phone): What the f*ck is going on over there? So fun. So colorful. - Great face. - Thank you. Honestly, thank you. Honestly, I work for tips. Oh... okay. - Well, let me go see about that. - Yes. Thank you. Chicken's got a full day. Excuse me. Can I use your restroom? Mm-hmm.
Arnold (mutters): f*ck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
- (elevator dings)
- Automated Voice: Doors opening. Open to enter.
- Woman: Hi.
- Man: Hello.
Automated Voice: Doors closing. Doors opening. Open to enter.
[♪♪] (screaming)
This isn't a changing room. Sir, people f*ck in here! Okay? I'm just trying to get ready for work! Get off my dick! [♪♪] ♪ I'm a trouble alone, one ♪ ♪ I'm trouble to you, two... ♪ (gasps) You scared me. These balloons aren't sized well. You're trying to sabotage me! Where's Barbara? I see you. ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ Stop filming me.
(wailing)
- I'm a baby! - (crowd laughing) ♪ When I sing "my darling spinning top..." ♪ ♪ Kids all say they love you, Happy anniversary ♪ - Yee-haw! Come on now, give me a tip! - (laughing) Or at least let me change my pants!
Man: I see you with that lasso! ♪ How sweet, my chubby little Twinkie ♪ ♪ This dog looks like a Twinkie ♪ ♪ You have a backpack full of Twinkie ♪ ♪ My doggy backpack full of Twinkie ♪ - ♪ My chubby one-eyed doggy ♪ -(dog howls) See you later, man. - Zack? - No.
(to the melody of "Bingo"): ♪ Your girlfriend knows that you're a dog ♪ ♪ And cheated like a lame-o ♪ ♪ It's time to go ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're a ho ♪ ♪ She threw your sh1t out the window ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're a f*cking bozo ♪ (howls)
Now how about a tip? Wow, man. You got a whole thing going on. Yeah. Come on, tip me. I'm not Zack. I'm sorry. Why would you let me get through the entire song? I was into it, man. You got somethin'! Zack! ♪ Your girlfriend knows that you're a dog... ♪ You don't have to sing. You don't have to sing. Come on, Jane paid for the song. Well, I heard it so, thank you, I guess. Listen, man. I don't get paid if I don't sing. - So just let me get... - Sorry, am I supposed to worry about you? - f*ck you! - You know what? Jane was right. You're a f*cking bozo! I understand why that mix-up happened now. Hey, man. You were good. Here... Here.
(to the melody of "Bingo): ♪ There was a man on Instagram ♪ ♪ Who was suffering from FOMO ♪ ♪ FOMO ♪ You thirsty, baby? Let's have some drink!
(cell phone chiming)
Hello? Yes, yes. That was me. Uh, thank you so much for calling me... Okay. Wow. Um, is there a family? Okay, well, thank you for calling. Okay. Bye.
[♪♪] (cooing)
(whispers): f*ck!
[♪♪] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Come on! Kids' daisy chain? There are nine million people in New York! - (balloon pops) - (car alarm honking)
Arnold: Oh, no. sh1t!
(car alarm continuing)
- Arnold: Bathroom?
- You've gotta buy something. Yeah, doi! I'm gonna buy something! f*ck.
(panting rhythmically)
(up-tempo dance music playing)
(sighs)
(exhales sharply)
[♪♪] (shouts)
(grunts)
[♪♪] (grunts)
[♪♪] (music tempo slows)
(grunts)
- Ah! - (music continuing)
(laughs)
[♪♪] - Yeah. - (music fades) - (water splashes) - Oh my God!
(chuckles)
Wow. - (sighs) - (phone chimes) Oh, that sounds fun.
(Arnold sighs)
I'd give it a minute. Thank you so much. And sorry about earlier. I had to poop. I've been there. - What would you like? - What do you like? - The blondies are amazing. - I'll take one of those. And a latte, with four shots of espresso. You got it.
Owen: Are you f*ckin' kidding me with the mic? You're f*ckin' recording this?
Yara: Oh I'm-I'm sorry. I'm stoned. I'll turn it off.
Owen: Yeah, you're definitely f*cked up! Can I ask you some questions? Or does it go one way?
Yara: No. Sure. Of course.
Owen: What did you get me for our anniversary? Yeah. Happy anniversary, Smoothie.
(microphone clatters)
(sighs, murmurs)
Chana Joffe-Walt: Yara, are you okay?
Yara: Um...
We're not talking. - (murmurs)
- David Kestenbaum: I'm sorry. All right. Wanna go around? Susan?
Susan Burton: I mean, it's really different than the story you pitched. I mean, it's not really about your parents anymore, you know? - (all agreeing)
- Ira: What happened... What happened to the idea of you getting your parents on tape talking about this? Well, I... I tried to talk to my mom but, um... she didn't wanna talk, she didn't wanna do it. And so, Owen and I started talking about it on tape. And, um... Yeah, it led to this.
David: I'm trying to think how it works without your parents. Like maybe it could go in like a wrong-ending show or something?
Chana: You seem like you're being very genuine and expecting a response from him that is different than the one he gives, and it feels surprising when it happens, when he says ouch, but, yeah, I feel like we'd need more setup to understand what that moment means.
Robyn Semien: Do you think she could write it though? Like what if she just wrote through all of the story of what her parents did.
Chana: Maybe, but you would write about your parents though. I think you'd have to write about your parents' story. I couldn't like... I didn't actually understand what was going on. But I think it's kind of amazing that... like, sorry... It's kind of amazing to hear a breakup unfold in real time, in this accidental way, and that to me felt like, oh, that's special tape. But because I was so lost at the beginning, the fact that it turns and suddenly you're fighting. I'm like, I'm still trying to catch up to the first conversation.
Ira: Yeah, I have the same feeling. I just think it's one of those things where a big important thing happened, you have this dramatic moment on tape, but I just think it's not gonna work as a radio piece. And I'm sorry. Yeah, okay. - It's okay... - Hey, I'm looking for Yara.
- Arnold: Yara?
- (laughing): Yo! What? Um... Yara, I have a singing telegram from Owen.
(all exclaiming)
Oh, my God. ♪ You know the bed feels colder ♪ ♪ Being here alone ♪ ♪ I still have dreams of us older ♪ ♪ Doing anything we want ♪ ♪ You think you got the best of me ♪ ♪ You think I gave you my best parts ♪ ♪ And you think everything good is gone ♪ ♪ Thought you seen me broken down ♪ ♪ Thought that I'd come running back ♪ ♪ Smoothie, you know me ♪ ♪ That's what this is ♪ (laughter)
(Arnold vocalizing)
♪ 'Cause what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ♪ ♪ Be a little kinder ♪ ♪ Help each other be better than on our own ♪ ♪ I love to see you be inspired ♪ ♪ Rub your feet when you are tired ♪ ♪ To me you are the feeling of being home ♪ ♪ I love you as you are-a ♪ ♪ You're Yara ♪ ♪ And to me you are a star ♪ ♪ Let's stay together, Smoothie ♪ ♪ Stay home and watch a movie ♪ ♪ Or tie me up like a rope bunny ♪ ♪ I love you as you are-a ♪ ♪ You're Yara! ♪ (cheering and applause)
- Arnold: Look who's here!
- Elna: Wait. Is he here?
- Woman: Oh.
- Elna: Oh, my God, that's him.
Ira: Is that the boyfriend?
All: Aw!
Ira: So when you came to New York, what did you think you were going to be doing?
Arnold: Not this. I moved here with my BFA, and I just wanted to perform, and this is one of the jobs where you get to perform. I don't have the privilege of not working. - This is what I do. - I don't know. Like, how often is it good?
(sighs)
You know.
I'll say this: Every day is different, every day is hard, but it has its moments.
Ira: The way I think of Arnold's job is like the weirdest recycling job ever. Taking these songs, changing them around a little, and performing them in a setting they were not made for. Repurposing them for this audience that usually does not want them. Honestly it's hard to imagine a tougher room, a more hostile crowd than the one that Arnold faces, day in and day out. Good girl.
Ira: But he shows up with these unwanted songs, - and he is not embraced. - (dog howls) It's like he's disposable. Until finally, not very often, the true love that lives inside those old songs finds a home. - This is FOMO. - Hi, FOMO. She'll be hanging out with us this summer. That makes me happy.
(grunting): Yeah. There you go. - Hey, what are you doin'? - I'm doin' a little... - Come on! Come on, come on! - All right, all right. Thank you so much. Thank you. - Oh dang! Got it! - You weren't kiddin' around. - (grunts) - Got it.
Ira: And God knows I have to say that lots of stories that we do here on the radio, is only by diving into the darkest feelings, the worst moments a person possibly goes through... that we get to anything worth hearing. And what makes it kinda beautiful and it's a little corny, but it's true, is how random it is. So often it's just like this random moment, you know? You see something on the curb that nobody wanted. You realize like, oh, that can be mine, like that is mine now. Like this moment of random greatness pops into your day that was otherwise monumental garbage.
That's our show today: People going deep into the trash, hoping to pull out something good. From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life. I'm Ira Glass. Stay with us.
(breathes deeply)
Man: Perfect.
Do it again?
("Sans Cesse, Mon Cheri" by Domenique Dumont playing)
[♪♪] (woman singing in French)