Michael: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?
Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Michael: Huh?
Kevin: I almost died. I... I went into this skid---
Michael: Pop quiz.
Kevin: ...What?
Michael: Why is today a special day?
Kevin: I almost died.
Michael: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
Ryan: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Kevin: Wow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?
Dwight: "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: Y-You understand nobody's graduating.
Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line.
Ryan: ...It doesn't apply.
Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!
Ryan: Quit it!
Michael: We have fun.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: I can't for your art show tonight.
Pam: Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.
Roy: I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Pam: Thanks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: Love ya.
Pam: You too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: I can't believe you're back together with Roy!
Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly: Oh my God. You're so in love now.
Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly: Oh, art show!
Pam: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!
College Student: ....Dude.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk]
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT!
Karen: Oh my God!
Dwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley: Goooood bye.
Angela: [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...
Michael: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: We have... a bat... in the office.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six.
Dwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.
Jim: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...
Dwight: What? What's so wierd?
Jim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.
Michael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert.
Jim: Ow!
Karen: Oh, what happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.
Dwight: No... no. One crisis at a time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "sylvania." Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.
Pam: Oh! No, you should go.
Toby: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.
Ryan: Michael.
Michael: ...And products!
Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
Michael: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
Creed: Sure.
Dwight: --to use sudden violence.
Creed: Okay.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.
Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?
Business Student #3: ...What?
Michael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?
Business Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
Michael: ...Wait, Ryan said that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.
Creed: Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael: David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax...
Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, s*x predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Business Student #1: But in the big picture...
Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: ...It wasn't personal.
Michael: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan: Pack my--?
Michael: You heard me, pack your things.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: I really want to come out!
Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?
Dwight: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight.
Dwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: ...And it's all from the same series.
Woman: Oh.
Pam: Called 'Impressions.'
Woman: Oh.
Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Woman: Maybe one day.
Pam: I hope so.
Woman: Mmm.
Pam: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?
Pam: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: Hey Pam.
Roy: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head]
Meredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight: Hold still, woman!
Meredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight: ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.
Pam: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home.
Roy: To my place?
Pam: Maybe, I'm a little tired.
Roy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
Pam: Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture.
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar: It's her first try.
Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Artist: Thanks for coming.
Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Wow! You did these... freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael: I don't see a... price.
Pam: Um... you wanna buy it?
Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
Pam: [hugs Michael] ... Thank you.
Michael: What?
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael: ...Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam: No thank you.
Michael: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...
Ryan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...


ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier's on air at KACL and he's running out of time. But Roz still hands him over to his next caller.
Frasier: Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call. [presses button] Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
Marlene: [v.o.] Oh my God, I'm really on?
Frasier: Yes, your problem, please...
Marlene: [dog barking] Lucky, Lucky, get down. George, get the dog! [Roz points urgently at the clock] Oh my God, this is so exciting! [baby crying] Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son! OK, OK, here it is, Dr. Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have s*x soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger. [man calling "Hello!"] Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! [sighs] I'll call you back. [hangs up]
Frasier: Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that s*x with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My!
He pushes the off-air button; Roz enters the booth.
Roz: I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you. Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here?
Frasier: Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
Roz: Oh well, have a great time.
Frasier: Oh, thanks. [hugs Roz]
Roz: And don't forget to bring me a present!
Frasier: I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
Roz: You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eeew!
Frasier: No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
Roz: Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade, what are you going to do now? [with wide-eyed innocence] I'm going to Butterworld!
Frasier makes a face and leaves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair and gets an idea when Daphne comes in with the laundry.
Martin: Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you?
Daphne: What for?
Martin: Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog. You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off. [calling] Eddie!
Eddie scampers in. As Daphne watches with amusement, Martin takes a small dish towel and throws it over his head.
Daphne: Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is?
Martin: [sarcastic] No, the faster he folds it. All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds. [starts timing] All right, come on boy, take it off. [Eddie doesn't move] Six... seven. OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle. [counts off on his watch] OK, so he's no poodle... he's not a beagle either... or a German shepherd... or a Labrador. Oh, for God's sake, Eddie!
Daphne: Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
Martin: Hey, I'll bet you're right! [takes the towel off and shakes a finger at Eddie] Nice going, Eddie!
The doorbell rings. Daphne opens it to Niles.
Daphne: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne. But I'm sure you've seen this? [holds up newspaper] Today's society page?
Martin: [covering his ears] Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner!
Niles: Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise. Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo. It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face!
Niles: I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings!
Daphne: [sympathetically] Oh, Dr Crane... [goes to the kitchen]
Martin: Sorry, Niles.
Niles: Oh, it gets worse. This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole. She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts. The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar!
Martin: Well, wait a minute, that's good news. If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them.
Niles: You think?
Martin: Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts. You know how she loves going to parties.
Niles: Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone. Except to bed.
Martin: More good news. And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
Niles: If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath. Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
Martin: Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.
Niles: Oh, let's count. There's Maris... oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica... I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
Martin: You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night. Now just think about it.
Niles sinks back in the couch and whines pathetically. Daphne enters from the kitchen with a bottle of wine in hand.
Daphne: Wine, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Well, wouldn't you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
HE WAS A BAND LEADER MARRIED TO CHARO
Scene Three - Apartment Daphne and Martin are going up in the lift. Eddie is on leash. Martin's a little frustrated after some park trauma.
Daphne: Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog.
Martin: Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK? [sarcastic] "Ginger, catch the frisbee. Ginger, roll over. Ginger, do my taxes!"
Daphne: Just because Eddie's not good at tricks...
Martin: The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker!
The lift doors open onto their floor. Martin and Daphne step off.
Martin: Just watch this. Open the door for him. [Daphne does] Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys. [gives the command] Eddie, get your banana.
Eddie stays in the elevator, staring.
Martin: Now he's thinking, "which one's the banana?" [still not moving] Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?"
The elevator doors slide shut.
Daphne: Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?" Martin frantically punches the lift button; the doors open.
Martin: Come on!
Eddie scampers off, and follows Martin and Daphne into the apartment. Niles is standing in the living room with a glass of wine.
Daphne: Oh, Dr Crane!
Niles: Hello. I let myself in, I hope that's all right.
Martin: Fine. What's up?
Niles: Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question. Are you free Saturday night?
Martin: Sure!
Niles: [gleefully] Well, I'm not! I have a date!
Martin: Oh!
Daphne: Oh! Bravo, Dr. Crane!
Martin: Good for you! Who is she?
Niles: Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress. I bumped into her at the Frye museum. Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears. I found myself asking her out. We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!"
Martin: Good for you!
Daphne: What's she like?
Niles: Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death. But still, a date's a date!
Daphne: Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
Martin: I didn't know you could dance!
Niles: Oh, I can't.
Martin and Daphne look at him, alarmed.
Niles: Oh, dear. You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance... of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm. Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins. [reaches for his phone] I'll just have to cancel.
Daphne: All you need are a few dancing lessons. Why, I'd be happy to give you some.
Niles: You would?
Daphne: Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer?
Niles: I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble. [beat] We'll have to move this!
He slides the coffee table against the couch.
Niles: OK, now push the chair back [shoves ineffectively at it] Or not.
Daphne drags it easily out of the way. As they take their positions, Martin settles at the dinner table to watch them.
Daphne: Alright, we'll start with the box step.
Niles: Box step...
Daphne: It's very simple. Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist. [Niles does] Now, start with your left foot.
Niles: OK, which one?
Daphne: Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over, and the right slides next to it. And that's it! All right, once again. A one-two- [he steps on her foot] Oh!
Niles: Sorry.
Daphne: -three, a two-two-three, a three-two-three, a four-two three...
Niles: [struggling and staring at his feet] This is boring yet difficult.
Martin: Aw, there's no trick to dancing. It's just a matter of coordination. Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly...
He pauses, looks at Niles, gets up and leaves. Niles rolls his eyes.
Daphne: Alright, once again. A one-two-[he steps on her foot again] Oh!-three...
The scene FADES OUT...
Scene Four - Apartment ...and fades back in later on in the evening. "Isn't It Romantic," is playing on the stereo and Niles and Daphne are dancing a slow waltz, with his head resting on her shoulder. Niles seems to have gotten the hang of it.
Daphne: You're really doing very well, Dr. Crane. Earlier you seemed a bit tense. You've really relaxed now though, haven't you?
Cut to Niles's face: he's in a dream world of his own. Martin comes in.
Martin: Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp. The music ends, and Niles finishes by giving Daphne a graceful twirl.
Daphne: Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba. [to Eddie] Eddie, fetch me a samba tape. Xavier Cougat. [Eddie just stares] Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?" [Niles and Daphne laugh]
Martin: Now guess what I'm thinking.
Daphne: I'll get it myself. [runs off to her room]
Martin: [moving off] Well, I'm going to hit the hay.
Niles: [in a rhythm, he acts out his verbs] Good-night -- bend-and- turn - see-you-in-the-morning - spin-and-dip -- [cell phone rings] there's-my-phone -- flip-and-push - Niles-Crane. [loses rhythm into the phone:] Oh, Marjorie. How are you? Oh, what a shame. Well, er, no no it's alright, there'll be other dances. No, no, I understand completely. Take care. [flips his phone shut] Guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons.
Martin: [sympathetically] I guess not. I'm sorry, son.
Martin leaves for his room, Daphne comes running back in with a tape.
Daphne: I couldn't find any Cougie, but this'll do! She pops the tape into the stereo. A fast Latin beat plays.
Daphne: Alright now, in the samba you have to hold me a little closer. You ready?
She grabs his hand and starts moving back and forth against him, as if it were almost sexual.
Niles: Daphne, there's one thing I wanted to mention...
Daphne: Yeah? [dancing more against him]
Niles: [entranced] I'm a dancer, a dancer dances!
He sways with her with gusto.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
WHERE ELSE WOULD CORONERS
GET TOGETHER?
Scene Five - Cafe Nervosa Niles is at a table, Martin & Daphne come towards him. Daphne and Niles greet each other with their "pet" names.
Daphne: Here's my dancing partner. Hello, Fred!
Niles: Hello, Ginger!
Daphne: [to Martin] It's a little joke we have!
Niles: Look Daphne, I got two new CDs today. Tonight we master the mambo and the conga. I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that.
Martin: You're having more lessons tonight?
Daphne: Oh, yes! He's going to be the best dancer at the ball. I'll just go get us some coffees.
She goes to the counter. Martin crosses his arms.
Martin: Why didn't you tell her your date had cancelled? You don't need more lessons.
Niles: I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun!
Martin: Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
Niles: What are you implying?
Martin: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it, you're sticking a fork in the toaster here.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck! Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons?
Martin: It's nighttime. You're alone. The music's on. You've got your arms around her. You'll end up saying something you can't take back.
Niles: I have no intention of saying anything.
Martin: No one ever does. Take my word for it. When I was separated from your mother, there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!" So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.
Niles: Coroners have their own bars?
Martin: [exasperated] No, corner, Niles, the corner bar! Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the jukebox. Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me. I told her how I felt. I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake. She let me down easy but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time. It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that!
This story seems to have the right effect on Niles. Daphne returns to the table with coffees in hand.
Daphne: So, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Actually, that won't be necessary. I just got a call from Marjorie. Something's come up. I won't be going to the ball.
Daphne: Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
Niles: It's quite all right, and thank you for all your help.
[Martin puts a comforting arm on his shoulder]
Daphne: [thoughtfully] It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work... I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but what would you say about our going to the dance together?
Martin: Now, now, he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne, he couldn't ask you to do that.
Daphne: No, but it would be as much fun for me as it would be for him! I'd love an elegant evening out! What do you say, Dr. Crane?
Martin: [sure Niles will say no] Tell her what you say, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Pick you up at seven?
Daphne: [excitedly] Ooh, yes! [claps her hands] Great!
Niles looks decidedly contented whilst Martin is appalled.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment A few nights later, Eddie comes bounding in, handing Martin one of his chew toys.
Martin: No, Eddie that's not your banana, that's Mr. Pig. Listen to
the difference: pig, banana! Pig, banana! Pig, banana! [Eddie shows no reaction] Ah, I still love you, you little pinhead. Go sit down.
The door opens: Frasier is back from his vacation.
Martin: Oh Frasier, am I glad you're back! Listen, all sorts of....
Frasier: Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick. I am technically still on vacation till ten a.m. tomorrow.
Martin: Yeah, but listen...
Frasier: [waving off Martin's protests] Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman!
Martin: But you don't understand...
Frasier: Dad, please! For all intents and purposes, I am not here.
The doorbell rings. Daphne rushes out of her room in a ravishing red evening gown.
Daphne: [excitedly] That'll be my date! Ooh, I'm so excited, this is me first ball! Oh, I hope he likes my dress...
Frasier: Daphne?
Daphne: [rushing by Frasier] Hello, Dr. Crane, welcome back!
She opens the door to Niles, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a red rose.
Daphne: Hello!
Niles: [captivated] Wow!
Daphne: Ohhh, [giggles] you! [takes the rose]
Frasier: [mystified] Niles?
Niles: Oh, Frasier, you're back! [to Daphne] Well, our carriage awaits.
Martin: And you'd better get her home at a decent hour, I'm gonna be waiting up for you!
Daphne: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Crane!
The two leave.
Frasier: [dumbstruck] What the hell was that?
Martin: [looking around curiously] Eddie, did you hear sumpin'? [heads off towards the kitchen] Can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation!
Frasier: [following Martin doggedly] Dad, what was that? Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven - Ballroom And so, Niles and Daphne, arrive at the elegant "Snow Ball." Soft romantic music is being played by the orchestra as the Beautiful couple enter.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful!
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Daphne: You know, when I was at school I knew a boy named Niles. I called him Niley.
Niles: [pause] Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
He steers her toward an empty table.
Niles: You're a vision... everyone's staring at you!
Daphne: Well, you look awfully handsome yourself... Niles.
[sniggers]
He sits her at a table.
Niles: Would you like some champagne?
Daphne: Oh, that would be lovely.
Niles: Be back in a moment.
He goes to the bar. A haughty woman, Lacey, and her husband, Andrew, are standing there.
Niles: Two champagnes, tout de suite.
Lacey: Niles, dear! How are you!
Niles: Just fine, thanks.
Lacey: Andrew, say hello to Niles.
Andrew: Haven't seen you for ages. Feel just terrible about you and Maris.
Lacey: Oh yes, we were just devastated. Positively everyone's talking about it.
Niles: Oh, and how is positively everyone?
Daphne comes up behind Niles and listens to the conversation.
Lacey: Devastated. We were just saying that to Maris, when we ran into her and Bradley Paxton at the Breever's Cup.
Andrew: No, she was with Calvin Oldi at the Breever's Cup.
Lacey: Well, it's so hard to keep track anyway. [laughs] Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up? Just let us know...
She leaves with Andrew.
Niles: [muttering to himself] Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.
Daphne: [takes their champagnes from the bartender] Well, they weren't very nice!
Niles: Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea that while Maris is out living the high life, I'm sitting at home, crushed and lonely.
Daphne: Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits. Tonight, you're all mine. [puts the glasses on the table and opens her arms] Now take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away...
She leads him out onto the dance floor and just as they assume the right position, the conductor turns around.
Conductor: Thank you, we'll be back in ten minutes. Sheepish, Daphne and Niles join in the light applause.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Eight
Ten minutes' later: Niles & Daphne are waltzing together. As the music ends, he dips her.
Daphne: [laughing] I can't remember when I've had a better time. I'm on Cloud Nine!
Niles: I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine! [leads her back to the table] Daphne, I must tell you again, that is an exquisite gown.
Daphne: Oh, thanks! It was way out of my price range, but did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it?"
Niles cannot help but gaze longingly at her. Then, out of breath, he starts to sit down.
Niles: Where's my chair?
The orchestra begins a tango just as Niles sinks into his chair thankfully.
Daphne: [gasps] A tango! [stands and grabs his hand]
Niles: Oh, you never taught me a tango!
Daphne: Oh, you'll love it! It's perfect for you! This is a passionate, full-blooded dance that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires.
Niles: Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside, I think we probably should just sit this one out.
Daphne: Oh, nonsense! There's only one rule in the tango: our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us. [she presses her body close to his]
Niles: [overwhelmed] I can do that.
She starts to lead him onto the floor, but he hesitates.
Daphne: Stop! Don't be afraid! Daphne won't let anything happen to you.
Niles: I don't think-
Daphne: [grabs his face] Don't think! Just feel. [holds his lapels and seductively pulls him forward] You're an Argentine slum- dweller. You have no house, no car, you don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters. Because tonight... [they join hands and cast their eyes toward some imaginary moon] we have the tango!
Niles: [dips her; in an Argentine accent] Oh mama, I've got it all!
They proceed to cross the dance floor in an eye-catching tango step. The conductor notices them and smiles.
Daphne: That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant! But I feel you're holding back!
Niles: I am.
Daphne: Oh, this is no time for inhibitions!
Niles: I know.
Daphne: Oh. let it out Niles. Let everything out!
Niles: [passionately] Oh Daphne, I adore you!
He spins around so he can't see her and slaps a hand to his mouth in shock. Oops. He spins back around to face her.
Daphne: [eyes closed in rapture] I adore you too!
Niles: What?!?!?
Daphne: I adore you too.
Niles: [thrilled] Oh, how I've longed to hear those words!
Daphne: Oh, how I've longed to say them!
Niles: You're beautiful! You're a goddess!
Daphne: I don't ever want this moment to end!
Niles: Then let's not let it!
By now everyone is watching them and the music is nearing its end. He spins her back and forth across the floor, a passionate whirlwind. He spins her again, and this time she throws her bare leg up on his shoulder.
Angle on Andrew and Lacey's table: Andrew is openly gawping at Daphne, while an upstaged Lacey does her best to look indifferent.
The music swells to a crescendo, Daphne slides down to position herself next to Niles's thighs, and Niles grips his own lapels like a knight- errant. The music ends. Applause. He pulls her to her feet.
Niles: This is the most glorious night of my life.
Daphne: Oh, mine too...
They kiss, tenderly and strongly.
[N.B. Niles and Daphne will not kiss for another four years, at the end of Season Seven.]
As they break apart, Niles gives a sly look to Lacey & Andrew as if to say "Ha! I bet Maris hasn't done this!" He leads her back to the table. Daphne is now constantly throwing glances over her shoulder. They sit, and Niles caresses her hand.
Niles: Oh, Daphne! I'm a new man! Do you have any idea what I'm feeling?
Daphne: Of course I do! Your friends look positively dumbstruck. From now on there'll be no more of that "oh poor Niles" attitude...
Niles: Far from it!
He kisses her hand reverently; she looks over her shoulder then turns back to him.
Daphne: I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor!
Niles: [shocked] Actor?
Daphne: Yeah! "Daphne, you're a goddess, Daphne, I adore you..." We fooled everyone, didn't we?
Niles: [heartbroken] Oh...oh. We certainly did, didn't we?
[lets go of her hand]
Daphne: I'm surprised it was so easy!
Niles: Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled.
The music starts again.
Daphne: Ooh! What do you say to another dance?
Niles: No thanks, it's getting late and I've danced enough.
Daphne: Alright, then! I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off.
She leaves; Niles sinks down into his chair, dejected. A blonde woman who has been watching Niles comes over.
Claire: Niles? [he turns] No, no, please. Claire Barnes? I was an associate in your attorney's office.
Niles: Oh, yes, Claire. Uh, it's good to see you again.
Claire: Well, I heard about you and Maris. And I just wanted to give you my card and tell you you're free to call me anytime.
Niles: [taking it] Oh, thank you, but I'm happy with my attorney.
Claire: I meant to go dancing.
Niles looks up, surprised. She nods and gives him a warm, come-hither smile. As she moves off, Daphne comes back.
Daphne: Well, are you ready?
Niles: [looking at the card] No, I don't think I am. [drops it on the table]
Daphne: I beg your pardon?
Niles: Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.
She takes his arm, and they start to leave the room.
Daphne: Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?
Niles: [laughing wryly] We certainly did.
Daphne: And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
Niles: [pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me.
Turning back to the table, he picks up the card, puts it in his jacket pocket, returns to Daphne's side and offers his arm. He smiles.
Niles: I'm ready now.
They leave. The music swells up again, as Miss "Cinderella" Moon and Mr. "Handsome Prince" Crane gracefully exit the ball room along with an experience to last for a life time: "Moon Dance"
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Martin is showing Eddie a placard with a sketch of a banana with the word BANANA scrawled across the bottom. Eddie runs offscreen, and returns with a banana. Martin looks very proud and congratulates Eddie.
The camera wides, revealing that the entire living room is littered with nothing but bananas.


"TAMARA'S RETURN"
Cast
Dawson: James Van Der Beek
Grams: Mary Beth Peil
Joey: Kaite Holmes
Tamara: Leann Hunley
Pacey: Joshua Jackson
Mitch: John Wesely Shipp
Jen: Michelle Williams
Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes
Andie: Meredith Monroe
Jack: Kerr Smith
*Dawson and Joey are making out outside on a blanket*
Joey: Dawson...
Dawson: What? *Joey sits up*
Dawson: What?
Joey: What are we doing?
Dawson: What does it look like we're doing?
Joey: It's just not working. I mean, I'm freezing and there's bugs. Can't we go somewhere else?
Dawson: W...Well...we can't go to my house and we can't go to your house so our options are kind of limited.
Joey: I know but I feel too Swiss Family Robinson. I mean, I'm a 20th century girl. We should make out in some music, mood lighting and climate control.
Dawson: Where's your sense of romance? We've got gorgeous moonlight shimmering in the water. We've got stars overhead...crickets chirping...we have plenty of trees and if you get cold you've got me to keep you warm.
Joey: Dawson...
Dawson: What?
Joey: You are so cheesy.
Dawson: You don't like it?
Joey: Are you kidding? I find it unbearably sexy. *They start making out again*
[Opening Credits]
*Cut to Mitch and Dawson walking down a sidewalk in Capeside*
Dawson: I was beginning to think this whole restaurant idea of yours was just a [missed phrase].
Mitch: Not if I can find the proper location. And this woman swears that I'm not going to find a better deal than her warehouse.
Dawson: Where are you meeting her?
Mitch: Right here. She said she'd meet me at 8. *Dawson looks up and sees Tamara Jacobs heading towards them*
Tamara: Dawson.
Dawson: *surprised* Miss Jacobs.
Tamara: Well, I'm not your teacher anymore, Dawson, you can call me Tamara.
Mitch: Tamara Jacobs, I'm Mitch Leery. We spoke on the phone.
Tamara: Yes, Mitch. Hello.
Dawson: Are you moving back into town?
Tamara: No, I'm just in Capeside for a few days to sell this property.
Dawson: Well, I...I should get going to school.
Mitch: Yeah.
Dawson: Bye Mis--*catches himself* Tamara. *Tamara laughs* *Cut to Capeside High. Dawson catches up to Pacey*
Dawson: Pacey, hey! I need to talk to you.
Pacey: Let me guess. You and Joey are having another love spat and you want my opinion. Well, here it is. Joey is being sarcastic and oversensitive and you, my friend, are being self-absorbed and self-catering.
Dawson: This has nothing to do with Joey and me this has to do with you.
Pacey: What? Do I owe you money again?
Dawson: No, my dad and I were walking downtown today and we ran into somebody.
Pacey: Who? *Andie walks up to her locker*
Pacey: Hey look who the cat dragged in.
Andie: Nice to see you too Pacey. Don't worry. I'm just here to get a few books out of my locker then I'll be on my merry way.
Pacey: Tell me Dawson, who was it?
Dawson: You know we should really talk about this in private.
Pacey: God, you know what? I've got to go. If I'm late to Mr. Matick's class again he's going to have an aneurysm. I'll catch up with you after school.
Dawson: No, I've got to meet Joey for this art thing.
Pacey: Ah, the sacrifices we make for young love, huh? Listen, man, just talk to me later! *Cut to Joey and Jack*
Joey: Hey, Jack.
Jack: Hey Jo.
Joey: Bad news. Suder(?) called and cancelled on Bessie so we can't open this afternoon but the good news is you have the day off.
Jack: Okay, but we could open anyway.
Joey: Well, I'd love to but Bessie's at home with the baby and I've got to go to an art lecture after school so there's really no one to cover all the tables.
Jack: Well, there's me. I could do it.
Joey: You? Inspecter Kleso(sp?)?
Jack: What? You don't think I could handle it?
Joey: Jack, every since we hired you it's been nothing but a slapstick comedy. I mean, you drop dishes, you misplace orders, you fall all over yourself.
Jack: Then why don't you just terminate me if I'm such an incompetent moron?
Joey: We don't want to terminate you, Jack. *thinks about it* Alright, you can open. Bessie will be relieved and it will be like a test run. Just, uh, don't set the kitchen on fire or anything...okay?
Jack: Yeah, well, thanks for that unqualified vote of confidence. *Cut to lunch. Jen is sitting when Abby comes up and holds money in front of her face.*
Jen: Oh, Abby. Would you get that out of my face? *Abby laughs then sits down*
Abby: Oh come on. It's allowance time and I feel a major buying binge coming on. So tomorrow get your pocketbook and a sensible pair of shoes and let's go blow some major dough.
Jen: You know, I really don't feel like shopping.
Abby: Don't feel like shopping?!
Jen: No.
Abby: You don't feel like shopping and you call yourself a woman!
Jen: I'm just not feeling all that festive, alright? My plan is to spend the weekend in bed...counting my ceiling tiles.
Abby: Please, don't tell me this has something to do with your ludicrous Dawson Leery fixation. *Jen looks at her.*
Abby: Jen, damn it! You're such an ass!
Jen: Shhh!
Abby: I mean what is so great about Dawson Leery? He's just a guy with a motormouth and a limp billy(?) club. Turn over a rock and find yourself another guy. The whole world's crawling with them.
Jen: Look, it's not that easy, okay? I mean, I got rejected. It hurts. And to make matters worse...that whole Dawson-Joey-Pacey troyca(sp?) I just hate being on the outskirts of it, you know? I mean I used to fit in.
Abby: Count your blessings. Those people are boring.
Jen: Yeah. Yeah, well, I guess I just need a few days to nurse my narsocistic wounds.
Abby: Jen, you've had a few days. You're practically in hibernation. Winter is over, Jen. Come out of your cave. And I need you with me.
Jen: What could you possibly need me for? All I'm going to do is rain on your parade.
Abby: Well, shopping for me is like deep sea diving. It's dangerous and exciting, and if I do it alone I may never come up for air. Please don't let me go by myself. I could drown in a sea of dresses and hair gel. *They laugh* *Cut to a classroom. Andie drops some movies*
Pacey: *picking them up* McPhee. I didn't know you were a closet movie freak. I just thought you were a freak in general. *reads titles* Ghost, The Way We Were, pardon me as a gag, oh my god, Dumbo.
Andie: Okay, so I have a grade school mentality when it comes to movies. Get off my back.
Pacey: No, no, I love Dumbo.
Andie: You love Dumbo?
Pacey: Are you kidding? It's my pantion(?) of all time favorites. I cried when I saw it as a kid.
Andie: You cried during Dumbo?
Pacey: Are you joking me? I bawled my head off. I mean, the way those elephants made fun of him for those fat, floppy ears and then he loses his mother. Oh my lord, that's one of the saddest movies ever.
Andie: This is really strange.
Pacey: What is?
Andie: Well, just when I've written you off for good you drop this whole Dumbo bomb on me.
Pacey: Hey, look, uh, I'm outta here and I got no plans so uh what do you say we walk around downtown or something?
Andie: Yeah, right, what's the joke?
Pacey: No joke. I got no plans. And, believe it or not, I'd rather spend the afternoon exchanging barks with a bright like yourself than flying solo so pinch yourself, it's your lucky day. So you in?
Andie: Yeah, I mean, might as well.
Pacey: Unless you have your heart set on watching Dumbo.
Andie: Nah, I've seen it like 500 times. You're not going to throw me in front of a bus or anything?
Pacey: Interesting idea. Hadn't thought of that. *Cut to art lecture.*
Laura: I'd like to close with this piece, "Winter Mist". It's Jarvis' most famous work. No one can deny after looking at this exquisitely tuned surface that this picture that the positions of color and shape.. *Dawson has a skeptical look on his face. Joey looks like she's concentrating and interested.*
Laura: (cont.) the intensity of his lines...that Jarvis was in complete control of his new technique. Sadly, three weeks after Jarvis completed "Winter Mist" he died from alcohol poisoning. Despite his untimely death, Jarvis left a lasting impression on the art world and his title of one of the abstract expressionists of the 20th century...will live on.
*Audience claps.* *Cut to Dawson and Joey walking outside*
Joey: The art lecture was great wasn't it?
Dawson: It was certainly...prolonged.
Joey: You hated it.
Dawson: No, not at all. I just don't think abstract impressionism is really my thing.
Joey: Your thing?
Dawson: Yeah, I don't know it just seemed so unresolved.
Joey: Unresolved?
Dawson: Yeah, I mean it's just a blob of paint that offers up more questions than answers.
Joey: A blob of paint, Dawson?
Dawson: Well, like "Winter Mist" for example. What was the ultimate emotion expressed in that painting?
Joey: Dawson, newsflash. Just because a painting does not have a beginning, middle, and an end like some summer release, popcorn movie doesn't mean it's not charged with emotion, okay?
Dawson: I guess I like my art with a verdict. Specific, coherent, and to the point. Like romanticism. I can totally get into romanticism....if you know what I mean.
Joey: Yes, I know what you mean. *Laura walks up.*
Laura: Hey guys.
Dawson: Hey Laura! Great lecture.
Laura: Did you really like it?
Joey: It was awesome.
Laura: Tomorrow I'm teaching an art class so if you two are interested in auditing(?) you're definitely welcome.
Dawson: I've got to work.
Laura: Joey?
Joey: I'm afraid my artistic skills peaked in the 3rd grade.
Laura: Ah, it's a beginner's class. You don't have to be Picasso, just willing. *Joey considers it* *Cut to Pacey and Andie walking downtown*
Andie: This truck literally came out of nowhere and I didn't see it so now my Saab's back in the shop.
Pacey: Another accident? You are officially the world's worst driver. *Pacey sees Tamara*
Andie: Pacey? Pacey what's wrong?
Tamara: Hello Pacey. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? *Pacey just stands there.*
Tamara: Tamara Jacobs.
Andie: Nice to meet you. I'm Andie.
Tamara: Pacey was a former student of mine.
Pacey: Yeah, I was her teacher and she was...no, I was her student and she was my teacher.
Tamara: Well, I'm late for an appointment. It was really nice to see you, Pacey.
Pacey: Yeah, likewise.
Tamara: And nice to meet you, too, Andie. Take care. *She walks off.*
Andie: Pacey what's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Pacey: No I haven't seen her for awhile and she was my teacher and uh...
Andie: Your teacher. Did she flunk you or something?
Pacey: Uh, no, no. Uh, you know what, Andie? I think I'm going to have to take a raincheck on this. Um, I'm really sorry, but I've got to go, okay?
Andie: What? Are you serious? *Cut to Pacey watching Tamara enter a warehouse.* *Cut to art class.*
Laura: I'm on to you, Joey.
Joey: What do you mean?
Laura: How many other talents have you been hiding from me?
Joey: Please, it's an apple and a banana. It's hardly the second coming.
Laura: You can be as self-depreciating as you want. It doesn't change the fact that you're a natural. You, my friend, have a gift. Do you draw much?
Joey: Uh, when I was little, I did. I wanted to be like my mom was.
Laura: Was? Why did she stop?
Joey: She, uh, she didn't. She...she died.
Laura: Oh, I'm so sorry, Joey. That must have been incredibly difficult. When?
Joey: A few years ago. She had breast cancer.
Laura: She was an artist?
Joey: Sort of. I mean, she taught herself. She wasn't a professional...like you. She just kind of did it for fun. I remember she used to draw pictures from my favorite stories and hang them in my room.
Laura: So, art must be in your genes.
Joey: I don't know. I guess.
Laura: Well, if you enjoy this, Joey, I think that you should really pursue it. I could recommend some great classes. *Joey looks at her.*
Laura: Okay, why the look?
Joey: Are you serious?
Laura: I'm very serious, and you know what? You should take yourself a little more seriously. I mean, I may not be a great artist, but I like to think I have an eye. And my eye says you're good.
Joey: Why, when you say that, do I suddenly feel overcome with anxiety?
Laura: Because with talent comes responsibility, and you owe it to yourself not to let this talent go to waste. *Cut to Dawson's house. Andie knocks on Dawson's door*
Dawson: Be right there. *He opens it.*
Andie: Hey Dawson.
Dawson: Andie. Hey, come on in. I'm just having a domestic spell. What are you...what are you doing here?
Andie: Uh, what am I doing here? I was in the neighborhood, and I was wondering what the english assignment is for Monday, so I thought you might know, and....here I am.
Dawson: It's the first chapter of Gulliver's Travels.
Andie: Cool. Great. I'm going to go home right now and read it. Thanks.
Dawson: Andie? Andie? Are you sure that's why you came by? *Andie hesitates*
Andie: I don't really know you, Dawson, but if I ask you something, do you swear that you'll keep it in the strictest of confidence.
Dawson: Yeah, absolutely.
Andie: Has Pacey said anything to you about...possibly liking someone?
Dawson: Liking someone? Liking who?
Andie: Liking, oh, I don't know...me?
Dawson: Uh, not that I recall.
Andie: Oh.
Dawson: But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you. He could very well like you. He just doesn't say anything to me. Why? Do you...do you like him?
Andie: Me? Like Pacey? No way...well...maybe....possibly.
Dawson: Why don't you just tell him?
Andie: I could never, EVER tell Pacey that. I mean, he's a pig. He's obnoxious. There's just no way, and you have to swear to me that you will not tell him either.
Dawson: Why do I feel like I'm in 2nd grade?
Andie: Dawson, please.
Dawson: Okay, I won't say a word. I swear. But...I've know Pacey a long time, and that obnoxious pig behavior is sometimes his attempt at flirtation.
Andie: Really?
Dawson: Yeah.
Andie: Okay! Thanks! I'll see you around! *She walks away and then turns around and hands him back the boxers she had picked up and been holding of his.* *Cut to Abby and Jen sitting down at a table in a restaurant.*
Abby: Now, that was what I call a shopping spree. I can't believe I blew my entire monthly allowance in less than 20 minutes. That is a record for me...I think.
Jen: How are you going to explain it to you parents?
Abby: The usual....I got mugged.
Jen: In Capeside? You are crazy.
Abby: You love me, right? I mean, this morning you had that whole hung-jawed, woe-is-jen thing, but now look at you. You're smiling, you're laughing, you've got new lipstick. Aren't you glad you met me?
Jen: You know what? I am. I mean, I left New York because I couldn't handle being the bad girl anymore, but, I tell you, if being the bad girl means not walking around in a perpetual state of loneliness and depression, then bad girl it is.
Abby: I'm glad I'm getting you back to your roots. Oh my God! Jen, don't look now, but the biggest babe I've ever seen in my life is sitting right behind you. *Jen turns around and looks.*
Abby: Mine. I called him.
Jen: No way, Abby. Look at the guy. He's, like, twice your age.
Abby: Perfect. That means he's almost mature enough to handle me. I'm so sick of these little boys. I need a real man with chest hair and body odor and illegitimate children scattered across the country. *towards the guy* Excuse me! Hi, uh, what's your name?
Jen: *to Abby* Shut up!
Vincent: Vincent.
Abby: Hi, Vincent. I'm Abby, and this is my friend Jen. So, you're eating alone? *Vincent nods*
Abby: Well, you're welcome to come join us. We don't bite, unless we're asked to.
Vincent: I'd love to join you ladies, but I have to get to the docks.
Abby: The docks? What do you do there? Sunbathe?
Vincent: I'm a fisherman. Got a 2-month stint on a long-liner, hauling swordfish.
Abby: Oh, so you're not from Capeside? Well, if you ever want somebody to show you the sights, give me a call. Abby Morgan, 555-0142.
Vincent: Thanks for the offer. *to Jen* I didn't catch your name.
Jen: Jen.
Vincent: Jen. It's nice meeting you, Jen.
Jen: You too. *Cut to Joey sitting sketching when Dawson walks up.*
Dawson: Hey you! *Joey closes her sketchpad.*
Joey: Hi.
Dawson: What's up?
Joey: Nothing.
Dawson: *pointing to the sketchpad* That's not nothing. What is it?
Joey: It's a sketchpad. I was just doodling. It's no big deal.
Dawson: Well, what were you doodling?
Joey: Well, if you must know, a bowl of fruit. It was something I was working on in Laura's class.
Dawson: A bowl of fruit? You're really getting into this whole art thing. Well, let's see it.
Joey: No!
Dawson: Come on!
Joey: I don't think so.
Dawson: Why not? I like this new art interest. You know, Joey Potter: Artist extraordinaire, empress of all impressionism, *getting on top of the table* master of all still life. I hereby declare myself a full-fledged, madly enthusiastic fan of your new hobby. *They kiss.*
Joey: Dawson, why is it your obsession with movies is your life passion, while my interest in art is a hobby?
Dawson: Ah! I knew, I knew as soon as I said "hobby" that it was the wrong word, but by the time I said it, it was already *noticing Joey getting her things together* it was gone, and there was no getting it back.
Joey: You know, I really have to finish up, so I'll see you later.
Dawson: Well, so you're just going to leave it like this?
Joey: Like what? Unresolved?
Dawson: Yeah.
Joey: Why don't you just consider me a nonspecific, incoherent, expressionistic painting? *kisses him on the cheek then slaps him on the back* Have a GREAT day, Dawson.
[SCENE_BREAK]
*Cut to Pacey at Tamara's*
Pacey: Hi.
Tamara: Hi.
Pacey: I was debating whether or not I should actually do this, uh, the "this" being coming out to see you because...you know, when we said hi yesterday it was, uh, a little.....awkward. And I don't know, I just thought that I should come--
Tamara: Pacey?
Pacey: Yeah?
Tamara: It was supposed to feel awkward.
Pacey: How about this? Is this supposed to feel awkward, too?
Tamara: M-hm.
Pacey: And if we were to see each other a third time?
Tamara: Still awkward.
Pacey: Oh, good. Well, at least there's a science to this thing.
Tamara: Yes. It's what we ex-English teachers call a classic "Pinter" moment, where everything is said in silence because the emotion behind what we really want to say is just too overwhelming.
Pacey: And, uh, that's what we're having? A "Pinter" moment?
Tamara: Yes.
Pacey: That's okay with you?
Tamara: Well, silence is an acquired taste. The more complicated life becomes the better it is to learn to say nothing.
Pacey: Okay. Then, uh, maybe we could have just a couple more seconds of silence?
Tamara: Sure.
Pacey: Who is this Pinter guy?
Tamara: Stay in school, Pacey. *Pacey starts walking away.*
Pacey: Yes, Miss Jacobs. *Cut to Mitch and Dawson in the Leery's kitchen.*
Mitch: Want some breakfast?
Dawson: No. I'll just have some juice. I gotta go find Joey.
Mitch: How are the two lovebirds?
Dawson: Um, good...I think. This art obsession is making Joey a little crazy. I can't do or say anything right. I made the mistake of teasing her about this art lecture. She went sybil on me.
Mitch: Well, in my experience, Dawson, erratic behavior of the female orientation usually means the root of the problem is something unexpected. It's probably not about art. Go find out what it is.
Dawson: Is this your father knows best moment?
Mitch: Have one every now and then. FInd her. Talk to her.
Dawson: Alright, thanks. *Pacey walks in and Mitch leaves*
Pacey: Hello.
Dawson: Hey Pacey! The man, the myth, the legend.
Pacey: Listen, Dawson, that little secret you had yesterday...Tamara? You really should've told me.
Dawson: I tried to tell you. You were off and down the hall before I could get it out.
Pacey: Well, you see, we got a situation here, now, because I realized last night that I'm not entirely over her.
Dawson: Oh, boy. Um, Pacey, I'm your friend and I want to be supportive, and helpful, but the only thing I can think of to say to you in good conscience is stay away. You haven't even fully recovered from the gossip fallout of your last completely illegal interlude. There are girls your age, there are girls who like you. Would it be so terrible if you fell for one of them?
Pacey: Like who?
Dawson: Like the one who came to my house yesterday and told me that she liked you.
Pacey: Who?
Dawson: I'm not supposed to say.
Pacey: Dawson, I'm not in the mood. Who?
Dawson: Andie. Andie likes you.
Pacey: Andie hates me.
Dawson: When a girl hates you the way Andie hates you, it really means that she likes you. That's basic kindergarten psychology.
Pacey: Yeah, but that's different, Dawson. Andie's a girl, okay? And Tamara...Tamara's a woman.
Dawson: Exactly. Pacey, you should be with a girl. Okay, look, I gotta go and I'm really sorry, but I'm begging you, as your friend, don't go there. *Cut to Icehouse*
Joey: Hey Bessie! You think I could have the day off since there's nobody here and there's this huge art exhibit at the college I'm dying to go see?
Bessie: Sure. I'll hold down the fort.
Joey: You are, without a doubt, my favorite sister.
Bessie: I'm your only sister.
Bessie: And hey, Joey, this place is dead. Why don't you take Jack with you?
Joey: There's priceless art at this exhibit. He could do some serious damage.
Bessie: Just take him. I feel sorry for him. He just sits around looking dopey.
Joey: Hey, Jack! Do you know what an art exhibit is?
Jack: Yeah...
Joey: Do you want to go to one?
Jack: Sure.
Joey: *to Bessie* This should be entertaining. *Cut to Mitch and Tamara in the warehouse.*
Mitch: It's a great space. Location's ideal, with a little work, of course.
Tamara: Well, I probably shouldn't be telling a prospective buyer this, but I am eager to sell so you're going to get a good deal.
Mitch: Trying to outrun some financial difficulties?
Tamara: *laughs* We both know my problems weren't strictly financial.
Mitch: Yeah, well, since you brought it up. Um, a student, wasn't it?
Tamara: Yes, something like that. Um, the ceiling needs fixing up, but the windows are completely new. From what I've heard, you're no stranger to scandal yourself.
Mitch: Only if your definition of scandal includes your wife having an affair with her co-anchor but if you don't mind, uh, I'd like to give that image a rest for the afternoon.
Tamara: Understood. *Cut to Abby and Jen pacing the docks.*
Jen: Abby, we've been pacing these docks for, like, 2 hours. What are we still doing here? I'm starting to feel kind of stupid.
Abby: What do you think? We're look for Vincent.
Jen: Who?
Abby: Vincent.
Jen: The fisherman?
Abby: The babe. We're on hunk patrol.
Jen: Oh my God, Abby, you've got to be kidding me. There's got to be, like, a hundred different boats here. We have no idea which one he's working on. We're not going to find him, and yeah, he may be good looking but he's old enough to be your father. Haven't you ever heard of statutory rape?
Abby: Oh shut up! *Cut to art exhibit*
Joey: We don't have to stay long. I just want to take a look around. I know this must be incredibly boring for you.
Jack: Boring? Jarvis is, like, my all-time favorite expressionist.
Joey: Your favorite expressionist?
Jack: Yeah, you know about him?
Joey: Just that he was an alcoholic and he died young.
Jack: And he was a genious. Look...amazing painter. And, you k now what? He was severely manic-depressive so, like, half of his paintings are all, well, chaotic and...and colorful and the other half...the other half are, like, real...suggestive, you know? But this *pointing to a painting* this one. This is his most famous painting..."Winter Mist". I love it when a painting can really affect you emotionally. I mean, I find this one really intence. *Joey is staring at him shocked.*
Jack: What? What are you looking at
Joey: Nothing. I just had no idea you were such an art connoisseur.
Jack: What? You think my only talents are waiting tables?
Joey: No because if that was your only talent, then you'd be completely talentless.
Jack: Oh-ho-ho. I see. So, not only are you shocked to find out I have a brain in my head, you think I'm a terrible waiter on top of it?
Joey: You know you're a sucky waiter, Jack.
Jack: No way! I'm awesome! Alright. Maybe, every once in awhile, I mess up an order--
Joey: Jack, "every once in awhile"? You're a walking sight gag.
Jack: Sight gag.
Joey: Yeah.
Jack: Well, I guess that's one way of looking at me. But just like if some shallow person stumbled across all these paintings and labeled them, like, I don't know, messy or meaningless, you know? But if you stare at the images long enough, you can see they're filled with great power and passion...intelligence.
Joey: I'm sorry, Jack.
Jack: For what?
Joey: For jumping to the wrong conclusions. I mean, there's obviously a lot more to you than pratfalls.
Jack: Well, Joey, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Joey: *laughing* Okay... *Cut to Abby and Jen. They found Vincent.*
Abby: Hey there, Mr. Man! We've been looking for you.
Vincent: You came all the way down here looking for me? Aren't I a lucky guy?
Abby: You have no idea just how lucky uou are.
Vincent: What can I do for you, Abby?
Abby: You remembered my name.
Vincent: I never forget a pretty face.
Abby: Well, we came down to invite you out. I was thinking a night on the town is in order. A little joyride up the cape. There's a watering hole in Portsmouth where we could throw back a couple of drinks. I'm sure you've heard of it...Whitey's? It's all the rage with you laborers.
Vincent: "Laborer"? Is that my designated label?
Abby: No, don't take it the wrong way. I love laborers. They're sexy and they know what to do with their hands.
Vincent: Well, I'm going to have to pass.
Abby: Pass? What do you mean? Why?
Vincent: I'll tell you why. I'm not interested in playing some blue-collar pin-up for some oversexed, condescending teenybopper.
Abby: Excuse me?
Vincent: Thanks for coming by and slumming it.
Abby: *to Jen* Let's go. *Jen holds back*
Jen: Vincent? Hey...Abby's got a particular way with words that, that sometimes the stuff she says comes out wrong, but she means well, mostly. Anyway, the only reason we came all the way down here is because she likes you, so give her a break, would you?
Vincent: It's Jen, right?
Jen: Yeah.
Vincent: I have to be honest. I don't like your friend. I think she's a stuck-up phony who wouldn't know a real man from a hole in the wall, but you...you're different. I can tell, and if you'd like to, I'd be happy to take you out sometime. But do me a favor, leave Abby at home.
Abby: Jen! Jen, come on!
Vincent: Hey, Jen. Thanks for coming by! *Cut to Jack and Joey outside the exhibit*
Joey: I've actually started doing some drawing on my own.
Jack: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Jack: That's cool. I'd love to see anything you've done. I mean, if you want to show it to me.
Joey: Well, there's not much to see, really. Laura just had us working on a bowl of fruit, which isn't the most inspiring subject matter to say the least.
Jack: See, you shouldn't be wasting your time drawing things you're not passionate about. Draw what you love.
Joey: What I love?
Jack: Yeah. That's what artists do. They go to a place inside themselves, and they find what inspires them, you know? Draw what's important to you. *Dawson walks up.*
Joey: *to Dawson* What are you doing here?
Dawson: I was looking all over for you. I went to the Icehouse and Bessie said you were here.
Jack: So, uh, Joey, I'm going to take off.
Joey: No, we can all walk back together.
Jack: No, that's cool. I've got some errands to run, but listen, I had a blast.
Joey: Me too. Thank you for coming.
Jack: Sure.
Dawson: So you want to check out the exhibit?
Joey: I already did, Dawson.
Dawson: Do you want to show me the paintings you like?
Joey: Dawson, it's okay. I know this isn't your thing. You earned your points just by coming. That's enough.
Dawson: No, Joey, I want to be here. I want to be with you. Jo, talk to me. What's wrong? I know I hurt your feelings by being too flip about this art thing, and I'm sorry. It was never my intention, believe me. I'm just trying to be us, Dawson and Joey, who analyze and argue and debate and disagree. You've put me in my place a thousand times about some movie. Why can't we just interchange subject? It might actually be a refreshing change.
Joey: It is SO much more than that, Dawson.
Dawson: Then why are you closing yourself off to me? What's changed?
Joey: That's the point, DawsoN! Nothing's changed! You, me, we're exactly the way we've always been and I am SO tired of it! *Cut to Pacey and Tamara in her warehouse.*
Pacey: So I looked up this Pinter guy. Harold, playwright, the king of subtext. You say one thing, but you mean another. We're big on that here in Capeside.
Tamara: *laughs* Yes, I know.
Pacey: Do you think it's possible for us to have a moment without all the subtext?
Tamara: Uh, I don't know, Pacey. Words have always gotten us into so much trouble.
Pacey: Yeah, well, that's not going to happen this time. I bet you thought I came over to your house the other day to pour out my wounded heart to you, to confess just how much I miss you, and to tell you that seeing you the other day brought back all the old feelings. But, really, I'm fine. You know, I keep thinking that I shouldn't be over this, but I am. You know, sexually, we were pretty good together, but in all other respects, we were on 2 different planets, and that's what I came to tell you the other day. I'm fine. I've grown up.
Tamara: You have. I see that.
Pacey: So *laughs* I guess this is it...the last big goodbye.
Tamara: Goodbye Pacey. *He starts to leave and then turns around and him and Tamara go at it.*
Pacey: I think we could probably both benefit from one of those silent moments right now.
Tamara: Yes, I think so.
Pacey: This Pinter guy was really onto something. Woo.
Tamara: Yes, he was.
Pacey: Um, Tamara..
Tamara: You know what, Pacey? Uh, I have a buyer coming here in, like, an hour, and I really need to clean up this place.
Pacey: Is that subtext again?
Tamara: No.
Pacey: Listen, I know it's over, okay? It has to be, but I just...I need to know, um, oh, God...do you...miss...teaching?
Tamara: Yes.....very much.
Pacey: Good. Because I miss your teaching....very much. *He leaves.* *Cut to Jen and Abby in the hall*
Jen: Abby, I like your dress. Did I tell you that?
Abby: Only about 300 times.
Jen: Alright, I give up. What did I do? Why are you punishing me?
Abby: I liked that guy. We went down there for me...and you just stole him right out from under me. I saw the looks you were giving him, batting your eyelashes at him with the mascara I bought you.
Jen: Abby, that's not true! I didn't do anything.
Abby: And after everything I've done for you. And, I mean, I like one guy, just one guy, and you can't step out of the spotlight long enough for me to get him.
Jen: Look, you can have him, okay? I don't want him. You're my friend. That's what's important to me.
Abby: Screw the crap. Friends don't compete over the same guy.
Jen: Don't blame me just because you got rejected.
Abby: I didn't get rejected. That's your specialty, not mine. *Cut to Joey and Dawson*
Joey: Can we talk?
Dawson: Yeah, if you explain what's going on. You're scaring me, and I'm afraid if I say anything it's going to lead to a fight.
Joey: Dawson, look, I've been thinking of how to make you understand my behavior lately. You know, why I've been pushing you away but then I realized that I don't even know, Dawson. All I know is that you are very important to me, and this art thing, whether it be a hobby or my life's passion, is important to me, too. It is the first thing other than you that's been important to me in a long time.
Dawson: Joey, that's great. I'm glad you have that. I really am. I just don't want us to lose what's great about us.
Joey: Dawson, you've been everything to me, and I have been your sidekick, your confidant, your other half for so long, and that's how our relationship works. And it's a nice place for you, but for me, it's scary because I realized that, aside from you, I don't have anything. My entire life is attached to you, Dawson. I was working on these sketches, and somebody told me to draw what's important to me. What inspires me. What I love...and this is the only thing I could thing of. *She hands him her sketchpad where a picture of Dawson was sketched.*
Dawson: Joey, look...
Joey: And that's not okay with me, Dawson. I care about you so much, but if I ever lost you, I would be standing here totally void of anything else in my life. I live in total fear of doing nothing, of going nowhere, and that is why I shut you out. Because if I can't have something to hold onto independently from you, then I don't have anything at all.
Dawson: First of all, I'm not going anywhere. Secondly, I just want you to be happy. Now, whatever that means, I'll provide it or support it or be completely uninvolved with it. I mean, whatever it takes. I just want us to stop fighting.
Joey: Dawson, I wasn't fighting with you. I was fighting with myself. Part of me wanted to send you off from me, and the other part wanted to hold you so tight.
Dawson: Well, which part of you won? Jo?
Joey: Dawson, I don't mean to sound like a blob of paint, but can we just let this one thing remain unresolved for now? *Dawson sighs and they hug.* *Cut to Pacey knocking on the window at Andie. He walks in and takes a seat.*
Pacey: Is this seat taken? *takes a bite of her burger* How's the burger here?
Andie: Dawson told you, didn't he? Don't play dumb. When dumb people play dumb, it's very disconcerting. Dawson told you what I told him, and that's why you're acting so weird. Just admit it.
Pacey: I really have no idea what you're talking about.
Andie: Yes, it's true. I had a brief flash of maybe feeling like I didn't, possibly, hate you. Hm, but it will pass so there's no need to get a big head or anything.
Pacey: So you think it'll pass?
Andie: It may pass. It most likely will pass. Unless...no. It will definitely pass. In fact, I think it just did. Yep. There it went. It's gone.
Pacey: You like me. You really like me!
Andie: Pacey, please stop torturing me.
Pacey: I want to, but I can't. There's just something about you McPhee. You bring out the sadist in me. *Pacey and Andie glance across the street and see Tamara getting into her car.*
Andie: Don't you know that woman?
Pacey: I did. But not anymore.


(Theme music playing)
(Campers clamoring)
(Panting)
(Sighing)
Emma: Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room?
Gladys: Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir."
Emma: I haven't even looked at your legs yet. Ravi Ross, a pleasure.
Ravi: You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. (Mrs. Kipling groaning) I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote.
Zuri: I would still hide the bite-size kids.
(Mrs. Kipling groaning)
Gladys: Aren't there supposed to be four of you?
Zuri: Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words.
Gladys: Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. (Campers cheering) Hazel, these are the Rosses. I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox.
(Growling)
Zuri: Could've gone my whole life without hearing that.
Hazel: My aunt's always talking about your mom. (Chuckles) She hates her.
Gladys: With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life!
Emma: No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight.
Gladys: By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp. Hand it over.
Emma: (Scoffing) No! Back off, mister!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Woodchuck Cabin ]
Emma: Oh!
Tiffany: (Shushing) I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months.
Lou: Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge!
(Chitters)
(Emma grunting)
(Bones cracking)
Emma: I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder.
(Bones cracking)
Lou: Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. (Yelling) Sit! JK! (Laughing)
Emma: (Sighs)
Lou: No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! JK again! I'm all about the JKs! LOL! (Nervous giggle)
Emma: OMG!
Lou: So, how many years of camp experience do you have?
Emma: None.
Lou: But you like kids, right?
Emma: Not really. They're sticky.
Lou: So why do you want to be a camp counselor?
Emma: Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that.
Lou: Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dreamcatchers actually caught dreams!
Gladys: She caught mine!
Emma: And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth!
Lou: (Snaps fingers) Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl.
Emma: Really?
Lou: Yep! Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue.
Zuri: If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Grizzly's Cabin ]
Ravi: Greetings, bunk mate!
Xander: Hey! Uh... Whoa! (Mrs. Kipling groaning) Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet.
Ravi: That alligator thingy is my pet.
Xander: Oh, that explains the cage. I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid.
(Mrs. Kipling groaning)
Ravi: Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir!
Xander: I'm Xander.
Ravi: Oh. So what are the cabin rules?
Xander: I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick.
Ravi: You know those cost, like, five cents, right?
Jorge: Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk?
Ravi: Actually, that is my...
Jorge: Dude, trust me. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart!
Ravi: That seems medically impossible.
Xander: Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning.
Jorge: That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special.
Ravi: Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you?
Jorge: Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. ]
(Xander playing guitar)
(All applauding)
Hazel: Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick?
Xander: Sure.
(Retches)
Lou: Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! Look, mine make Abe Lincoln!
Emma: (Gasping) Whoa! That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs?
(Halting scratch)
Lou: Where did that wind come from?
Xander: Whoa! I think I'm in love.
Hazel: Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament!
Xander: Hi, I'm Xander.
Emma: I'm Emma. I'm nauseous.
Lou: Ooh! Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow.
Hazel: I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear.
Lou: Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her.
(Blowing whistle)
Gladys: Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. (Tribal drums playing) Ki-ki-wa-ka!
All: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka!
Ravi: Okay, this is a cult. Taxi!
Gladys: We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods!
Zuri: Say what now?
Gladys: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace!
Emma: Did she just say "in pieces"?
Gladys: With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! Remember to pick up your trash.
Zuri: Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka? Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A.
Hazel: Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine.
No, I'm not. So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap. See you at the friendship circle.
(Sighs)
Lou: She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people.
Gladys over PA: Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life.
(Arrow released)
(Gasps)
Emma: Is archery part of the obstacle course?
Lou: Nope.
(Whistling)
Jorge: Ravi, what are you doing?
Ravi: Obviously, as your counselor-in-training, I am demonstrating what not to do.
Jorge: Dude, you're embarrassing Grizzly Cabin! And men in general!
Xander: I think Ravi's doing great, considering he could barely pick up his egg for the egg race.
Ravi: It was a jumbo! What do they feed those chickens?
Zuri: Whoo-hoo! That was fun.
TIffany: Fun? Forget fun! Focus! Thanks to your pathetic performance on this bouncy house, our cabin is behind!
Zuri: Tiffany, it's just a game. Who cares?
Tiffany: I care! Because if we don't win "best cabin," then I can't win "best camper," and if I don't win "best camper," I won't get into Harvard, which means I won't get into Harvard Medical School, which means I'll never become a top doctor, which will kill my mother! Do you want to kill my mother?
Zuri: No, but I do want to talk to her about her parenting skills.
Hazel: So Woodchuck Cabin is losing, Your campers are turning on each other... (Gasps) Great leadership, Emma!
Lou: She is a good leader! Just ask our campers.
Tiffany: Which one's Emma again?
(Laughs mockingly)
Hazel: You should just go home now. As a CIT, you're DOA.
Lou: She is not! She has legendary counselor Christina Ross' blood running through her veins!
Emma: And I'd like to keep it there, so let's not get the girl with access to arrows angry. Ah! Look, I'm doing it!
Lou: That's my bunk buddy, people!
Hazel: Hey, Emma, catch!
(Screams)
(All laughing)
Let's see how Xander likes Little Miss Perfect now.
Xander: Emma! (Panting) Emma, are you okay?
Emma: Well, I'm better than those worms I just fell on. Oh!
Lou: A pretty girl covered in mud, and you thought he wasn't going to like that? What's next? You hand her a tray of hot wings and have her turn on football?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Woodchuck Cabin ]
(Sharp violin playing)
Emma: I can't believe there's still mud in my ears.
Zuri: Lucky you. At least you don't have to listen to Tiffany's violin. Give it a rest!
Tiffany: Stop screaming at Violet! She's very high-strung!
Emma: Today was a disaster. Instead of being a super counselor like Mom, I'm the lamest CIT ever.
Lou: You are not! You're much better than my last CIT, Tammy. She took the kids to pet the hibernating bears.
Emma: Bears don't hibernate in the summer.
Lou: Exactly! It was a lot of paperwork.
Emma: Okay... But I was humiliated in front of the whole camp. Plus, Hazel's never going to let Xander near me.
Lou: At least not while you're still breathing. Sorry, that sounded much more supportive in my head.
(Gasps)
Emma: Yay! Xander sent me a text on paper!
Lou: Think that's called a note.
Emma: He wants me to sneak out tonight and meet him at The Spot!
Lou: Whoo-wee! The Spot is the place in the woods where the kids go to... You know.
Zuri: Get electrocuted?
Tiffany: You can't sneak out! That could give our cabin demerits!
Lou: So?
Tiffany: So, that goes on my permanent record!
Zuri: (Groans) It's camp! The only permanent records they keep are how many kids get diarrhea from the lousy food! (Stomach rumbling loudly) Uh-oh! I think it's about to be one more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. The Spot ]
Emma: Would you please go back to the cabin?
Zuri: Not happening! I don't know what's more toxic, Tiffany's attitude, or what I left in that toilet!
(Exclaims)
Emma: Are you okay?
Zuri: What made this giant footprint?
Emma: Uh, a giant foot, duh.
(Snarling)
(Shrieks)
I'm really hoping that's your stomach.
Zuri: Nope.
(Snarling)
Emma: Do you think it's the Kikiwaka?
Zuri: I don't know. Why don't you stay here and ask it?
(Both groaning)
(Grunts)
Jorge: Yes! I win!
Ravi: No, you do not. You moved the table.
Jorge: Hey, all's fair in love and pool.
Ravi: That is not a saying.
Jorge: It is on planet Zorb. Dude, why are you such a buzzkill?
Ravi: I am not a killer of the buzz! As your counselor-in-training, it is my duty to teach you to follow the rules!
Xander: Bro, you just defined "buzzkill."
Hazel: Hey, Xander. I made you hot wings. Want a bite?
Xander: I don't think she's talking about the wings.
Lou: Come on! Come on!
Tiffany: Lou, I don't have time to play foosball! I need to finish my college applications!
Lou: That's seven years from now!
Tiffany: I'm applying really early admission.
Lou: Xander? You're supposed to be with Emma. Why are you here?
Hazel: Because he'd rather be with me.
Xander: I never said that! Did anybody hear me say that?
Lou: Emma went to The Spot because you sent her that note telling her to meet you there.
Xander: I didn't send her any note.
Lou: Uh-oh. This Woodchuck... (Chitters) (Sniffs) .. Smells a rat.
Ravi: Oh, that is Jorge. He refuses to shower.
Lou: Gee, who would want to send Emma out into the woods? I'm looking at you, Hazel. Right where your soul should be!
Violet: Emma's not alone. She's with Zuri. That's right, Violet. That mean little girl is gone.
Hazel: Why don't you all leave, so Xander and I can play a little nine ball? Rack 'em!
Xander: No! There will be no racking! We have to go find Emma and Zuri!
Hazel: (Sighs) Oh, okay. Let's use the buddy system. I pick Xander!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. The Spot ]
All: Emma! Zuri!
Jorge: Uh-oh. I see something really scary!
Tiffany: Is it my mom?
Jorge: No. It's a giant footprint.
(Rustling in bushes)
Xander: Shh!
(Growling)
(All screaming)
(Both screaming)
Lou: (Exhales) Wow, you are lighter than a chicken, and their bones are hollow!
(Louder growling)
(All screaming)
Xander: Ow! Emma!
Emma: Xander!
Hazel: (Flatly) Yay, we found her.
Ravi: I still cannot believe you sent my sisters off into the woods to become Kikiwaka kebabs.
Zuri: You sent Emma that note?
Emma: (Scoffs) So, first you shoot an arrow at me, then you knock me into the mud, and then you send me off into the woods to die? (Scoffs) I'm starting to think you don't like me.
(Growling)
Xander:It's coming! Get up the tree!
(All shouting)
All: Ahh!
Hazel: (In a sing-song voice) Xander and Hazel sittin' in a tree.
Lou: G-A-G-G-I-N-G.
Tiffany: No one told me there was gonna be a spelling bee!
(Growling)
(All screaming)
Jorge: (Speaking Spanish) Don't take me now god! I am so close to puberty!
Tiffany: (Speaking mandarin) I should have told my mom to back off!
Ravi: (Speaking Hindi) We are doomed!
Emma: Ugh, Ravi, we are not doomed!
Xander: You understood him?
Emma: Ravi panics a lot, so I've picked up a little Hindi.
(Growling)
(All screaming)
Emma: Okay, look, everyone needs to calm down. I'm going to get us out of this!
Hazel: Why should we listen to you, you boyfriend snatcher?
Emma: Because everything you've put me through has taught me I'm tougher than I thought. Now, let's scare this thing off!
Lou: Good idea! Hazel, go down and ask it for a date.
Hazel: Xandy, are you going to let them talk about me like that?
Xander: Yes. I would high five them if I weren't so afraid to let go of this branch.
Emma: Okay, we know animals are scared of bright lights...
Ravi: Oh! We all have flashlights!
(Ravi gasps)
Emma: Oh!
Ravi: You all have flashlights!
Emma: We also know they hate loud, annoying noises.
Zuri: Like Tiffany's violin! Sorry.
Lou: And sometimes offensive odors will drive animals off!
All: Jorge's farts!
Jorge: I'm on it!
Emma: Okay, all in favor of attacking this thing, instead of just sitting here waiting to be eaten, say "Aye!"
All: Aye!
(All screaming)
Tiffany: (Violin screeching)
Jorge: (Loud, extended fart)
(Creature yowling)
(All coughing)[/i]
Jorge: Is it gone?
Lou: (Gagging) After that fart, there's nothing alive within 100 miles.
Ravi: I cannot focus my eyes!
Tiffany: That was superior screeching, Zuri Ross.
Zuri: Thanks, Tiff. And your violin never sounded better.
Xander: Emma, your plan worked!
Lou: Way to be a leader, Woodchuck. I think your mom would be really proud of you.
Emma: Thank you, Lou.
Lou: Don't you agree, Hazel?
Hazel: Maybe. But don't get cocky. Remember, I'm the head counselor here, so what I say goes. Follow me!
Lou: Camp's the other way.
Hazel: I knew that!
Gladys: Geez, you try to have a little fun by terrorizing some campers, and you get a pinecone to the head. (Grunts) I hate kids!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Camp Kikiwaka ]
Emma: Okay, I think I've got it. (Chittering rhythmically)
Lou: Perfect! (Chittering rhythmically) Aww! My little Woodchuck's all grown up!
Emma: You know, my mom was right. I think this is going to be a pretty good summer.
Lou: Wait till I teach you how to give a porcupine a French braid. Hurts like heck, but they look so darn adorable!
Gladys: Attention, campers! I have been informed that there was a Kikiwaka close encounter last night.
All: Whoa!
Gladys: I haven't had a close encounter since last July 4th at the Moose Lodge. I'm so lonely! Oh!
Zuri: That was one unlucky moose.
Ravi: We encountered the Kikiwaka! That was us.
(All applauding)
Gladys: And for the last ding dang time, it is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is completely unacceptable to leave a number two in a canoe!
Jorge: What? The signs around here are really confusing.
Gladys: So instead, we'll be racing inner tubes today. Last person to the lake has to clean the canoe!
Xander: ♪ Here we go ♪ ♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪ ♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪ ♪ And sing this song ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪ ♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪ ♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪ ♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪ ♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪ ♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
(All cheering and applauding)
Uh, Hazel, three's a crowd.
Hazel: Oh, did you hear that, Emma? Get lost.
Emma: You already tried that last night, remember?
Lou: Wow, last time the bonfire was this big, Gladys had dropped her canteen in it.
Zuri: That's because I threw in all of Tiffany's flashcards.
Tiffany: What?
Zuri: I'm going to make sure you have fun this summer, if it's the last thing I ever do.
Tiffany: If my mom hears about this, it will be. Although it might be nice to have a little fun for a change. Great!
Zuri: Tonight, I'll teach you how to hollow out your mattress to hide stuff. With your book smarts and my street smarts, we're going to rule this camp!
Ravi: Oh! Jorge, move back! You are supposed to melt the marshmallow, not your face.
Jorge: Hey, compared to what the aliens did to me, that would be nothing. After brunch, it got ugly.
Zuri: Hey, guys, do you think the Kikiwaka's gonna come back tonight?
Ravi: Not if he knows Jorge had burritos for dinner.
Gladys: Ha! Dopey kids. They'll believe anything.
Campers: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
(Growling and snarling)