(Izzie is laying in bed with George. She quietly tries to sneak out.)
MVO: Surgeons always have a plan, where to cut, where to clamp, where to stitch. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down.
(Izzie is in the kitchen at the sink when Cristina and Meredith walk in)
Meredith: Wow, you and George were really going at it last night.
Izzie: What?
Cristina: The laughing, the drinking, the music. Nobody, I mean me, needs to hear George's rendition of "Sexy Back" at three in the morning.
Izzie: Yeah, yeah. You should have said something or you know, banged on the wall.
Cristina: It's like living in a youth hostel.
Meredith: Well, the important thing is that she and George made up. You did right?
(Alex walks in)
Alex: I need to use your bathroom.
Meredith: Why?
Alex: Cause O'Malley's puking in mine.
Cristina: Ok, youth hostel.
Meredith: George is still here?
Izzie: Yes. Yes. But only because he was too drunk to drive home. You know, just totally impaired. Like no heavy machinery drunk.
Alex: What's her problem?
Cristina: Still drunk.
Alex: What's she doing here?
Meredith: She's afraid she's ruining her engagement to Burke, so she's hiding from him.
Cristina: I'm not anymore. I have a plan. Burke doesn't want me to marry him just to appease him...
Meredith: Which you are.
Cristina: So...we don't get married. Simple, we go back to the way it was. Be kind, rewind. My plan has a name.
Izzie: I gotta go. I gotta get to work. See you guys later.
(She goes to leave and puking can be heard from the downstairs bathroom)
Izzie: Is that George? You said he was upstairs, puking.
Alex: So, now he's downstairs puking.
(Izzie walks into the hall where George is)
George: Izzie.
Izzie: George.
George: What the hell happened last night? Callie is gonna kill me. Did I at least call her before I passed out?
Izzie: No. you don't...you don't remember?
George: I remember the bourbon and the...I...where did you sleep?
(Richard is walking through the hall with Colin)
Richard: Big day. What time's your interview with the board?
Colin: Three o'clock.
Richard: Well if you have any questions, please...
Colin: Yes, thank you. I think I have everything well in hand.
Richard: That's a big folder. (Referring to the one Colin is carrying)
Colin: It's nothing...it's just a few ideas I have for Seattle Grace. A ten-year plan. Which really is just a few, ah, tweaks. What did Einstein say? "Newton did the work, I'm merely standing in his shoulders."
Richard: And in this scenario I'm Newton.
(George is in the locker room looking very nauseous when Callie enters)
Callie: George. Hey.
George: Hey. You look, uh, nice.
Callie: I look insane. I'm wearing pearls. Listen...
George: Listen, about last night, uh...
Callie: Yeah. Well we're good enough for now because as of right now you and I, we're the perfect couple. Ok, we are the perfect happily married couple who are perfect and, and never fight because my dad's in town.
George: What?
Callie: Yeah, my dad's in town and, uh, he wants to meet my husband.
(Izzie enters)
Izzie: Oh, hey. Hey, O'Malleys. Carry on, do your stuff, your married stuff. Yay!
Callie: You told her about our fight.
George: Just when exactly is he coming?
Callie: Today, lunch, cafeteria. You know what, I think I might change it to Joe's so he might not be able to tell that stinks coming from you.
George: No, it's ok. It's ok. Uh, I'm good with parents. Parents love me.
Callie: Funny little man. Funny, funny little man. Funny little man who stinks. Just get in the shower, get in the shower, ok?
George: I know it'll be ok. You'll see, he's gonna love me. Oh.
(Cristina walks up to Burke at a nurse's station)
Burke: Oh, what's this?
Cristina: We bring each other coffee. This is what we do.
Burke: No, this is what we used to do. Before you moved in and we started making coffee at home. You know, I'm not really interested in going back to the way it used to be so unless you have something else to say to me...I've already had my coffee.
(Burke walks away and she sees Colin in the hall. Cristina walks away and Colin comes down the stairs and sees Derek, Addison and Burke standing near the OR board.)
Colin: Ahh, good morning, doctors.
Derek: Good morning. How you doing?
Colin: Big day today. Good luck to all and sundry.
(Colin walks away and Richard walks up)
Richard: He has a ten-year plan.
Burke: What?
Richard: He's presenting the board with a ten-year plan for the surgical wing.
Derek: He's only been here a day.
Richard: Did you see that folder? It's full of plans...tweaks for my hospital.
(Seattle scenes)
(Jane Doe's room, Mark is showing her images on a computer screen.)
Mark: This is a computer approximation of your original facial structure. Based on the 3D CT scans we did, it's what you could look like after reconstructive surgery. Or you could look like this...or this. You don't like them?
Jane: It's not that...(Looks at Alex) How does this work exactly?
Alex: He'll make an incision along your hairline and then...
Jane: It's ok, I can take it.
Alex: He'll literally pull your face off.
Mark: It sounds a lot worse than it is. Your face is extremely elastic and pulling it down will allow me to correct the bone fractures underneath without any scarring. And once you've healed, no one will ever know you had the surgery. I'm that good.
Addison: He is! It's annoying.
Jane: The surgery won't affect my baby?
Addison: I'll be monitoring the baby throughout, ok?
Jane: Ok. So...then I just have to pick one. Do I have to pick one now?
Mark: Take a couple hours and think about it.
Jane: Couple hours, yeah.
(Bailey and her interns walk into the hall and up to Richard)
Richard: Dr. Bailey.
Bailey: Chief, Jane Doe's getting a new face today.
Richard: Well, that's exciting. (To Meredith) How are you doing, Mer. You didn't take to much time off after...
Meredith: I'm fine, sir. Really. I think working's the best thing I can do.
Richard: Like mother, like daughter, huh?
Mark: Dr. Grey, what can you tell me about reconstructive neuro floor?
Meredith: Uh, you can create a new base from the eye socket by harvesting bone from the skull. Dr. Bailey, Dr Grey will be scrubbing in on the Jane Doe case. Come on, I'll show you how to do it without breaking the bone graft into a million pieces.
Richard: Congratulations, Dr. Grey.
Bailey: Come on, lets go people.
(Bailey and her interns walk past a nurse's station where Callie is)
Callie: Wait, wait, wait, I need to talk to you.
Izzie: Why?
Callie: To prepare you guys for what you're about to see.
Izzie: You meant...you meant you like us, not me. You don't want to talk to me. You wanna talk to us, about a patient.
Callie: That what I just said. This patient has a disease so rare that you'll probably never see it again. FOP.
Izzie: Oh, Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva.
Callie: Uh, yeah. It's a skeletal disease. It turns muscle into bone, it turns you into a human statue. So just try to learn and not to stare. Ok?
Nina: If you people are interns, you need to stand back.
Cathy: Nina, please don't be rude.
Nine: My mother still has movement in her face and hands. I'd like to keep it that way, so, please be careful. You press to hard during an exam or bump into her accidentally it causes a bone to grow where a bone shouldn't grow. So there can be no accidents.
Callie: Ok, remember that when you're dealing with her today.
Cathy: It's just a stomach virus or the flu. I'm sure it's nothing. Nina insisted that I come in...
Nina: She was vomiting blood. And going through her pain meds like they were candy. And she has new growths, on her back. No doubt caused by come clumsy interns on her last hospital stay.
Callie: Obviously, you're having a flare up of the FOP but really concerns me is the vomiting. So I'm gonna need a CT and see what's going on. (Sees a dollhouse) Oh, did you build that?
Nina: My mom did.
Cathy: No, Nina did it. I used to do it, I'm not able to.
Nina: Keeps her active. When she's active she has fewer flare-ups. Plus it keeps her happy and relaxed.
Callie: Good, ok.
(Outside Nina's room)
Izzie: Can I work in the clinic today?
Alex: You don't want the FOP case?
Cristina: Clinic, why? What's going on in the clinic?
Izzie: Nothing. I just feel clinicy.
Cristina: That's not a word. I'll take the clinic.
Izzie: Cristina!
Bailey: You both can go to the clinic.
(Callie is nearby smelling George)
Bailey: The board's interviewing chief candidates all day today so were light on surgeries. O'Malley?
George: Yes?
Bailey: You're with Dr. O'Malley.
George: Ok.
Alex: What am I supposed to do?
Bailey: Find Dr. Montgomery, see if you can help with Jane Doe.
George: I showered twice.
Callie: It's coming out of your pores, George. You, reek, you're trembling and there's no way I'm letting you near my patient right now. Dr. Bailey?
George: Don't tell Bailey, don't tell Bailey.
Callie: Bailey, with Mrs. Rogerson's limited mobility I'm gonna need an extra set of hands.
Bailey: Fine, Stevens. Yang will handle the clinic, you'll be with the O'Malleys today.
(Izzie gets out of the elevator. Callie looks annoyed, Izzie looks terrified and George gives her a thumbs up)
(Cristina is in the clinic with Doug Kendry)
Doug: It's my foot. It hurts like crazy. I'm gonna need a pain killer, I can't spend the whole day propped on an ice pack.
Cristina: You're gonna need to take off your shoe.
Doug: No, no, no. I've been down this route before. Just slip me a couple pain killers and I'll be on my way.
Cristina: Sir, did you, uh, go to medical school? I did. Take off your shoe. You have type two diabetes.
Doug: Ten years now.
Cristina: Well, you inspect your foot every day, have you noticed anything?
Doug: I noticed it hurts. Look, I've got ten guys sitting on their ass waiting for me to show up...
Cristina: Sir, I get it. You're in a hurry. That makes two of us. Sock.
(Doug takes off his sock to reveal a very nasty sore)
Cristina: You need to call your guys and tell them you're not coming in.
(Jane Doe's room)
Meredith: Did you choose a face?
Jane: Not yet. I was hoping I'd see one of them and I don't know, recognize myself. I don't recognize any of these women. What if I choose the wrong one? What if my husband or boyfriend or whose ever baby this is, shows up tomorrow with a picture of what I'm supposed to look like but it's too late, and I'm stuck with the wrong face for the rest of my life?
Alex: Ok, that would suck but if you don't pick one...(He holds up a mirror)...this is gonna be your face the rest of your life.
(Derek is watching Meredith, who is at a computer)
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: Hey.
Meredith: Shouldn't you be preparing for your board interview?
Derek: I am.
(He leans over her shoulder and he smells her hair)
Meredith: You're hovering.
Derek: No, I'm breathing you in.
Meredith: You're hovering.
Derek: Fine, I'm hovering. If Cristina would sleep in her own bed, I wouldn't have to hover at work. I could hover in bed. A different type of hovering perhaps. How bad is it today? On a scale of one to ten?
Meredith: Seven maybe a six.
Derek: Good.
Meredith: You know what's gonna make it even better than that?
Derek: Uh-huh, what?
Meredith: Calverian bone harvest I get to do on Sloan's Jane Doe later.
Derek: Sloan's gonna let you do a harvest? By yourself?
Meredith: By myself. Which makes me very cool in the eyes of my dead mother, by the way.
Derek: Ok, then. I better let you study.
Meredith: Better stop distracting me. I will not be cool in the eyes of my dead mother if I mame Jane Doe.
(CT Room)
George: We're gonna need you to lie very still Mrs. Rogerson.
Cathy: I think I can do that Dr. O'Malley.
George: Sorry about that, Mrs. Rogerson. I'm never gonna drink again. I can't believe I have to be presentable for Callie's dad at lunch.
Izzie: Hours...hours...many hours of our lives that are all I can think about and you...seriously don't remember? How can you not remember those many, many hours?
George: Izzie, whatever I did, whatever I said. I was drunk, I didn't mean it.
Izzie: George, I assure you, you meant it. You meant it a lot, you meant it more than once.
George: Do you see that? Page Callie.
(Cristina walks past an office where Colin is)
Colin: You'll be pleased to here I'm proposing an expansion to the hospital board this morning. Give you quite a few more places to hide.
Cristina: I'm not going to hide. I'm just trying to find my resident.
Colin: I come here to Seattle to see you and you don't even give me a moment.
Cristina: You didn't come to see me, you came to get a job.
Colin: I came here for both.
Cristina: Well, you made a mistake.
Colin: Are you gonna invite me?
Cristina: Where?
Colin: To the wedding.
Cristina: Will you stop talking about the wedding?
Colin: Most blushing brides to be love to talk about the wedding, what's the matter? Are we getting cold feet?
Cristina: Please leave.
Colin: If he's rushing you, you should tell him. When you marry, you wanna be ready, he should understand that.
(Addison is standing in front of a mirror)
Addison: Good afternoon, board. No. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the board...(Mark enters) I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
Mark: Don't wear the glasses. You fiddle with them, it makes you look indecisive. And stop stressing, it will be like any other job interview. What do you consider your strengths? What do you consider your weaknesses? What do you consider your weaknesses?
Addison: I don't have any. I'm that good. What are yours?
Mark: I'm an easy mark for evil redheads.
Addison: Trust me, you have other weaknesses. Obviously, you are a man-whore.
Mark: Correction, I was a man-whore.
Addison: Yeah, well, while you're bragging about that to the board, Colin Marlow is pitching his ten-year plan.
Mark: Ten-year plan? Is that a requirement?
Addison: It is now.
(Cathy's room)
Callie: Mrs. Rogerson, according to your CT, you have severe internal bleeding. It was probably caused by your anti-inflammatory medication.
Nina: Does that require surgery because she can't have any.
Callie: Obviously, any surgical procedure could cause more bone growth or do more damage than good. That's why Dr. Burke's here.
Burke: What we can do is inset a line into your groin and then float a catheter up and embalize the area.
Nina: That's minimally invasive?
Burke: As minimally invasive as possible but with your condition even this is risky.
Cathy: I'm 41 years old. Most FOP patients don't live to 45. I'm down to the use of my face and hands, pretty soon I won't have anything. So, what would happen if I refuse the surgery?
Callie: You will bleed to death...within a day or two.
Cathy: Is that painful?
Nina: Mom, stop, ok?
Cathy: Nina, please let me think, I...
Nina: The reason you've gotten this far...our treatment plan works. It will work.
(Mark enters the conference room where Derek is)
Mark: Burke is using PowerPoint. He's doing a PowerPoint presentation for the board, which is cool if it's like 1998. There's no swag is there? We're not allowed to give gifts?
Derek: Why did you ask Meredith to do a bone graft...on your Jane Doe?
Mark: Because I'm her teacher and that's my job.
Derek: You're doing it to impress the chief. You're setting her up. And she can't fail right now.
Mark: Why don't you let your girlfriend decide what she can or can't do?
Derek: I will hurt you if this goes wrong for her.
(Outside Cathy's room)
Addison: Is...is that a...?
Izzie: Dollhouse. Yeah, the lights work and everything, it's the perfect little home.
Addison: Did you have a dollhouse growing up?
Izzie: I had s*x last night...with the wrong person. But the thing is it didn't feel wrong at the time. It felt like everything was falling into place. So, what do I do?
Addison: What am I? The go-to person for adultery?
Izzie: No...no...I just...I just don't know what to do.
Addison: You stop, that's what you do.
Izzie: Are you sure? How do you know, that it feels so right because it's gods plan?
Addison: God wants you to be an adulterer?
Izzie: God got a virgin pregnant by magic. God is not playing by the rules.
(Clinic, Doug is on the phone)
Doug: Uh-huh, talk to Paul.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry.
Doug: No, Paul will get your drywall numbers.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry.
Doug: Ok, let me just right a couple notes about that call.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry, we're gonna have to amputate your foot.
Doug: What?
Cristina: The infection is in the bone and if we don't remove your foot, the infection will travel to your blood and that will cause sepsis and possible death. I'm sorry.
Doug: How can you be so...I mean, I can't get around...No, no, you're not cutting off my foot.
Cristina: Sir, diabetes as a manageable disease. If you had been here even a month ago, maybe...
Doug: Ok, I screwed up. But you're telling me this is my only option because I was late getting in here? That there is no way...
Cristina: Mr. Kendry...
Doug: No! Please, there's gotta be a way for me to get that month back. Tell me what to do. I'll do every line of every plan that you give me. Please. You gotta find a way to save my foot.
(Meredith is practicing her bone harvest when Derek enters)
Derek: Hey, what do you think of a robotics lab as a goal for the hospital? Hmm?
Meredith: Derek.
Derek: You're harvesting.
Meredith: I'm trying to be supportive but this graft, it's really tricky.
Derek: Mm-hmm. You don't have to do it, you know. I talked to Mark and uh...
Meredith: You what?
Derek: I talked to Mark. I mean, Meredith this is, uh, it's a complex procedure.
Meredith: You don't think I can do it?
Derek: When has Mark Sloan allowed his interns to do anything? Let alone harvest a bone graft?
Meredith: He's in the race for chief. He's trying to prove he can teach.
Derek: By teaching you. Your mother died and the chief is going to be watching you very closely. Mark is trying to gain points to play.
Meredith: Using me.
Derek: If it goes well, he gets the credit. But if it goes poorly, he gets the save.
Meredith: So, this is about you one upping Mark?
Derek: He's using you. I'm just trying to protect you.
Meredith: You don't need to. Close the door on your way out.
(Derek leaves slamming the door on his way out.)
(Bailey walks up to Mark in the hall)
Mark: Can I help you with those Dr. Bailey?
Bailey: What do you want?
Mark: See, that's what I like about you, you always get right to the point.
Bailey: Make it quick, I'm headed over to the clinic.
Mark: All right, what would you change about this hospital if you could?
Bailey: Is this for your board interview? You want me to do your homework for you cause I'm not busy enough, is that it?
Mark: All the other attendings are putting together ten-year plans, I was just looking for some input.
Bailey: Input? You want...I have patients in need of medical attention right now. This guy, here, is about to have one less appendage. I don't have a ten-year plan for him, I have a right now plan for him. Cut off his foot to save his life. So, you need to get out of my way right now, so I can do my job.
Mark: Right now?
Bailey: Right now.
(Cafeteria, the interns are having lunch)
Izzie: Hey, talk to me about blackouts. Are they real? Do you really not remember anything afterwards?
Meredith: Iz, I'm fine. I'm not drinking, I'm not drowning my sorrows. Fine. Everybody needs to stop trying to protect me.
Izzie: Um, this isn't really about you. I'm asking back when you had a best friend named tequila, did you actually ever blackout?
Meredith: Once...twice.
Alex: The stuff you don't remember is usually the stuff you don't wanna remember.
Izzie: Right. Great, thanks.
Cristina: Hey, I have type two diabetes. Patient let it go and the infection is in the bone. I have to find a fix or cut off the foot. Anyone? Anybody?
Alex: You get to cut off his foot? Cool.
Cristina: Ok, no, not cool. The patient was neglectful, he made a couple bad calls. Does that mean he has no hope? Does that mean he can't have a do over?
Alex: But you get to cut, do bonus stuff.
Meredith: We're talking about Burke now.
Alex: We are?
Meredith: Operation be kind, rewind not going so well?
Izzie: You need to fix it cause it seems like you guys have a pretty good thing. And pretty good things are rare and hard to come by. Unlike really screwed up, complicated things which seem to be freaking everywhere.
Cristina: You know what, things are great. I'm gonna get things back to the way they were. Watch me.
(Cristina storms off)
Izzie: Has Jane Doe picked a face?
Meredith: No, not yet.
Izzie: How cool would that be? To get to pick your own face. Just disappear and start all over.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Alex enters Jane Doe's room)
Alex: How you doing?
Jane: How am I doing? I'm freaking out, Alex. That's how I'm doing. I can't do this. I can't pick. I can't.
Alex: All right, ok, lets uh...lets meet the contenders, all right? This...this is Maggie. Married her high school sweetheart, has two kids, boy and girl. Loves being a mom, you know, coaches her daughter's basketball team and makes an insane banana cream pie.
Jane: Banana cream pie?
Alex: It's my favorite so shut up. And this...is Elizabeth. Graduated from Northwestern, met her husband at a rally where they got arrested and fell in love. She's all angry and fired up but everyone forgives her because she means well. Ahh, this one, this ones Eva. She's funny, she's tough...a little neurotic some times but you get used to it. You can tell she's been through some tough times in her life but she'll get through it.
(George and Callie are at Joe's with Mr. Torres)
George: It's just your daughter, she...she's sorta undeniable. And, uh, after I lost my father I realized that life is short...and it's long too. Short and long. Life...
Mr. Torres: He talks a lot.
Callie: No, no, he talks like a like a like a person who talks dad, please.
Mr. Torres: Do you have any idea what you've done to your mother? You make this decision, the most important day of your life, we didn't even know she was seeing someone. Are you pregnant?
Callie: Oh.
Mr. Torres: Did you get my daughter pregnant?
George: No.
Callie: No, daddy, this is...no. George, ok, he's not like the other guys I've been with.
George: Clean as a whistle, and a mathlete.
Mr. Torres: He has no money. You have money.
George: Oh, come on. I didn't know that Callie was well off. She just told me.
Mr. Torres: Really? Really, well you won't mind then if the car, the house and everything else we'll provide will be in Calliope's name?
Callie: What house?
Mr. Torres: You're a married woman now. I'll find something suitable. It's all here in the postnuptial, I've brought along.
Callie: Whoa.
(Mr. Torres goes to put the papers down and knocks over George's drink)
Mr. Torres: I'm sorry.
Callie: Dad!
George: Got it. It's ok.
(Callie and her father are still talking. George suddenly flashes back to the night before and sees him and Izzie having s*x.)
George: No.
Mr. Torres: What?
George: No, that's not gonna happen. There is no way I am gonna let you pay for anything. I can't...we can't...Callie...I'm so sorry. Mr. Torres, I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
(George walks up to Izzie who is at a nurse's station)
Izzie: You remembered?
(George walks over to a linen closet and opens the door, they both enter. George appears very confused and even punches the wall. Izzie touches his face, he pulls her hand away and then leaves without either of them saying anything.)
(Seattle scenes)
(Cathy's room. Izzie enters and Cathy and Nina are working on the dollhouse)
Izzie: Wow, it's really coming along. It looks great.
Cathy: Thanks. We've been working on it for months. But when I say we, I mean she. I just hold things and look pretty.
Izzie: That can be hard work too. I'm gonna need to draw some blood for your surgery.
Nina: Be careful! You can only use one specific vein in this area, here.
(Izzie goes to move and knocks things off the table)
Nina: I said be careful.
Izzie: I am so sorry.
Cathy: That's ok.
Nina: No it's not. If she's gonna be that clumsy, she's not drawing your blood.
Cathy: Nina, she's just doing her job.
Nina: Not very well. I'm going to get a nurse, the senior nurse.
Cathy: Oh Nina, stop.
Nina: No, mom! Do not let her touch you. We can't be too careful. You're not taking her blood.
Cathy: She's not even a person anymore, you know what I mean?
Izzie: Mrs. Rogerson...
Cathy: I know I'm gonna die. You know maybe not today but soon. I just need to talk, you know. Nina won't let me talk. I just need to talk.
(Richard enters the conference room where Derek is)
Richard: No coffee. One more thing for Marlow to tweak. Please tell me you're not coming up with a ten-year plan for this hospital.
Derek: You can come up with all the plans you want but in the end their just...it's doesn't make one bit of difference. Things happen, people just...
Richard: Drown?
Derek: Yeah, you know when I pulled her out of the water...she was like ice. She can swim, Richard...she gave up. I close my eyes for a minute and it's like she's back in the water. I'm up at night and I just listen to her breath, you know? Just in case she stops. I can come up with plans for the hospital but if they ask me where I'm gonna be in 10 years...
(Mr. Torres walks up to George who is at the nurse's station)
Mr. Torres: George.
George: Mr. Torres?
Mr. Torres: You wanna take care of her in your own way. I understand that, I respect it but you have to understand, she's my only little girl George. You have to promise me that you will love her and protect her because the minute you hurt her...
(Callie walks up)
Mr. Torres: You understand?
(George nods)
Mr. Torres: Good. Then I'll tell Callie's mother, she can plan the party.
Callie: What...what?
Mr. Torres: You're wedding party.
Callie: Ah, dad, come on.
Mr. Torres: Now, now, please. For my sanity make her happy. Just let her plan the party.
Callie: All right, all right, ok.
Mr. Torres: All right then, I have a plane to catch. Come here. (He kisses her cheek) George. (Shakes George's hand)
Callie: Bye dad.
(He leaves)
Callie: You stood up to him, nobody does that. I was all proud. So listen, about last night...I don't know about you but personally I'd like to take back about 90 percent of it.
George: Me too.
Callie: Good, good ok. Then go find Izzie and help her prep Mrs. Rogerson, I'll see you in surgery.
(Jane Doe's OR)
Jane: You here to keep my baby alive?
Alex: I am.
Jane: Good.
Alex: So?
Jane: So, call me Eva.
(Scrub room for Jane Doe's OR)
Mark: You been practicing? You know the chief will be watching today.
Meredith: The chief, right, of course.
Mark: Of course what?
Meredith: Derek was right about you. You're using the memory of my dead mother to win points with the chief. It's despicable. And I'm not gonna play.
Mark: The chief, the way he was looking at you this morning. Was like you were some beaten down puppy he picked up off the side of the road. You do this procedure and you do it well, he'll start looking at you like a surgeon again. But you wanna think of me as despicable, you wanna pass up this shot, that's up to you.
(Cristina is walking through the hall with Doug)
Cristina: They're doing amazing things with prosthetics these days. This doesn't mean your life is over.
(She sees Burke in the hall dressed for his interview)
Cristina: Take him up to the OR, I'll meet you there.
(She walks over to Burke)
Cristina: Got you're board thing now? The chief picked you originally. You were always supposed to be the next chief. That was always the plan.
Burke: That was a long time ago. A lot has happened since then.
Cristina: But you're still that guy. You're the guy the chief chose.
Burke: No I'm not. I'm not that guy, Cristina, and I wouldn't want to be. I wanna be better than that. I like to believe that I've grown. I wanna move forward, I'm not interested in going back.
(A board member walks in the hall)
Board Member: Dr. Burke.
(Seattle scenes)
(Jane Doe's OR. Mark looks up and sees Richard and Derek watching the surgery intently. He breathes a heavy sigh)
Mark: You ready?
Meredith: Osteotome and hammer.
Mark: Use the curved osteotome to elevate the external table. Gently.
(Cathy's OR)
Burke: How's it looking?
Doctor: Still see bleeding.
Burke: Platinum microcoils, they aren't holding.
Callie: What about using an gelatin sponge?
Burke: I've already tried polyvinyl alcohol, glue, micro-coils. Nothings working.
Izzie: BP's dropping to 62 systolic.
Burke: We're gonna have to open her up.
Callie: If you open her up she's dead.
Burke: If we don't she's dead.
(Nina is in her mother's room working on the dollhouse)
(Doug's OR)
Cristina: Beginning amputation
(She turns on the saw.)
(Jane Doe's OR, Meredith is removing skull bone. Richard and Derek look on.)
(Cathy's OR, she is flatlining)
(Doug's OR, Bailey is carrying his leg)
Bailey: Fine amputation, Yang.
(Yang looks saddened that she had to amputate the leg)
(Jane Doe's OR, Meredith removes a piece of bone and looks up to Derek who smiles at her)
Mark: Beautiful.
(Nina is working on the dollhouse)
(Cathy's room, she is still flatlined)
(Nina is working on the dollhouse and drops a piece and breaks it)
(Mark is in with the board and Derek, Addison and Burke are spying from outside)
Addison: Wait, now they're laughing.
Derek: Laughing?
Addison: They're laughing.
Derek: Well, they can't be laughing with him, they have to be laughing at him.
(Bailey walks up)
Bailey: I'm surprised you don't have a shot glass pressed up against that window.
(They all move aside just as Mark and the board leave the conference room)
Mark: Let me show you the new clinic.
(They all follow Mark and Richard is stopped by the others)
Burke: Chief?
Richard: Hmm?
Burke: So...?
Richard: If you ask me, you all could stand to borrow a page from Dr. Sloan's book.
Derek: Sloan? You're kidding, right? That's a joke.
Richard: He didn't get caught up in this whole ten-year plan foolishness. He said he had a "right now" plan for Seattle Grace.
Burke: The "right now" plan?
Bailey: (Agitated) The "right now" plan? (Bailey looks over at Mark who smiles) Is that right?
Richard: Board ate it up, tell you the truth, so did I.
(Seattle scenes)
(Cathy's room)
Nina: I should have brought her in sooner. The first time she threw up. I knew better.
Callie: Nina, there was nothing any of us could...
Nina: No. It was a mistake.
Izzie: You're mother...talked to me. She wasn't ready to leave you but she was ready to leave her body.
Nina: Please, I don't need you to explain the relative comforts of death for my mother.
Izzie: What she was afraid of was that you had taken on so much of her disease that you had frozen up to. You spent so much time planning and helping her avoid risk, god knows that's what you should have been doing, but she was worried...You have a healthy body, Nina. If you fall down you won't turn to stone and you're mom so wanted you to fall. Messing up is what makes a person. It's how you learn, where you find joy in the things you don't plan for. The things you never see coming.
(Seattle scenes)
(George and Izzie are alone in the locker room)
Izzie: Ok, it happened. It was a mistake and it happened. People make mistakes. We need to figure out where we go from here. We need to figure out how to tell Callie.
George: I'm not gonna tell Callie. Do you know how much this would hurt her? I'm not gonna clear my conscious at her expense. She has done nothing but support me, encourage me and believe in me and this is how I pay her back. No, I have to live with what I did. This is our secret, ok?
Izzie: Ok.
(George gets up and leaves)
MVO: The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected.
(Cristina enters Doug's room)
MVO: So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the OR, or in life.
Cristina: How are you feeling?
MVO: We have to improvise.
Doug: I'm a guy without a foot. What do I do now?
Cristina: You move forward, you follow the plan and you try and keep your other foot.
Doug: My other foot, right.
(Alex is in Jane Doe's room)
MVO: Of course, some of us are better at it than others.
(Addison enters)
Addison: I'm impressed, Karev. You spent the whole day watching a fetal monitor and never complained.
Alex: Well, I do what I'm told.
Addison: Since when?
Alex: Depends on who's doing the telling.
Addison: Good night, Dr. Karev.
(Addison leaves and Jane Doe wakes up)
Jane: What was that?
Alex: Hey, how's Eva?
Jane: I don't think I'm gonna know the answer to that for a while. What do you say we talk about you and the redhead for a while?
Alex: Well, the redhead's my boss, so...
Jane: So?
Alex: Well, it's complicated.
Jane: And?
Alex: And?
(Cristina enters her and Burke's apartment)
MVO: Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it.
(She climbs into bed. Burke looks shocked.)
Cristina: It has to be small. Just you and me...and Meredith...and Shepherd too, if you want. But that's it. And the justice of the peace. I know you're spiritual and stuff but I don't want any rabbi's or ministers, nothing religious. Let's just make an appointment at city hall and that'll be it. And no veil. Ok, I don't wanna get married with a mosquito net all over my face.
(He hugs her)
(Meredith and Derek are lying in bed)
Meredith: I let Mark use the memory of my dead mother to win points with the chief. You were right.
Derek: Sorry.
Meredith: You know what's weird?
Derek: What's weird?
Meredith: It's exactly what she would have wanted.
Derek: So, dead mommy's proud?
Meredith: Dead mommy's proud. How was your interview?
Derek: Not great. It wasn't great. I was distracted.
Meredith: By what?
Derek: Nothing. I don't know.
Meredith: On a scale of one to ten how bad is it?
Derek: 8
(They kiss)
Meredith: How bout now?
Derek: 7
(She climbs on top of him)
Meredith: How bout now?
MVO: And sometimes...
Derek: 6
MVO: ...what we want...
Derek: 5
MVO: ...is exactly...
Derek: 4
MVO: ...what we need.
(Izzie is in her room, taking the sheets off the bed. She sits down on the bed and cries)
MVO: But sometimes...
(Callie and George are lying in bed)
Callie: I can smell you're clothes through the closet door. Did you tie them up in a plastic laundry bag?
George: Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Callie: I guess I can live with it.
MVO: Sometimes what we need is a new plan.


Act One
Scene One - A Seedy Motel Room. Frasier is lying in bed, asleep, in the motel room. He awakens and finds that he has a tattoo on his arm that reads "Chesty." There is a half-empty bottle of tequila on a table across from the bed. A shower is running, but then stops suddenly. Frasier props himself up on some pillows and folds him arms behind his head, expectantly.
Out from the bathroom steps Gil Chesterton - wearing only a towel.
Gil: Well, look who's up!
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier sits up in bed - his own bed. The previous scene had been a dream - or a nightmare, considering Frasier's panic-stricken reaction.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WHY GIL? WHY NOW?
Scene Two - KACL. Frasier is listening to a young male caller, Jimmy.
Jimmy: [v.o.] So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like, really stupid.
Frasier: [bored] May I ask how old you are?
Jimmy: Fourteen.
Frasier: Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
Jimmy: Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high school!
Frasier: I salute your optimism. [disconnects] We'll be right back after this.
He goes off air as Roz enters his booth.
Frasier: Oh god, Roz. A teenager who's embarrassed by his parents? I mean, please. Can't you come up with something a little more challenging for me?
Roz: Well, it was either him or our old pal, Rudy the Crier.
Frasier: Oh, Rudy the Crier. Oh God. He's been on three times in the last month. You put him on again, he won't be the only one who's crying. God, I'm in a dry spell. Where are the souls in genuine torment? The people teetering on the brink of genuine despair?
Roz: Oh, they'll be back. The holidays are just around the corner.
Frasier: Well, perhaps you're right. Oh, Roz, I've got a question I'd like to ask you.
Roz: Shoot.
Frasier: Have you ever had a recurring dream of an intimate nature about someone... oh, a... well, a co-worker?
Roz: [disgusted] Oh, no. Why'd you tell me?
Frasier: Oh, Roz!
Roz: Oh, now it's gonna be creepy everytime you look at me through the glass!
Frasier: Roz, not you!
Roz: [intrigued] So who is it then?
Frasier: Oh, I'm not going to go into the specifics.
Roz: Gina in accounting?
Frasier: Look, I'm not gonna do this!
Roz: Sheila, the slow intern?
Frasier: Forget I even mentioned it.
Gil enters. He's hiding something behind his back.
Gil: Knock knock...
Frasier: [suddenly nervous] Gil? [Roz eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Gil: Frasier, I've come to tempt you.
Frasier: [scared] Really?
Gil: I'm reviewing the new pastry chef at Chez Shea. [reveals an
eclair] And I quote: "His amaretto eclair is so sinful, it will send you scurrying to your local padre for absolution."
Frasier: Uh... no, thank you, Gil. I'm on a diet.
Gil: Oh, come now! You know you want it...
Frasier: [jumping up] Oh, no no no... I really don't! [shoos Gil out the door] Off you go. Bye-bye.
Roz: [excited] Oh, my god!
Frasier: What?
Roz: It was Gil!
Frasier: I never said that!
Roz: Then why are you blushing?
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Roz: Your ears are turning bright red!
Frasier: I am not blushing!
Roz: You are!
Gil then knocks on one of the windows. As they look at him he takes a big bite out of the eclair. Frasier hurriedly closes the blinds as Roz laughs.
Frasier: Still not blushing! The scene DISSOLVES to another caller - Rudy the Crier.
Rudy: [v.o.] ...just lying there in the hospital bed. She lifted her head off the pillow, looked up and said, "I love you," and then she was gone. [cries]
Frasier: Rudy, stop crying. We've gone over this before. What was our agreement about sad movies?
Rudy: I shouldn't watch them. [cries]
Frasier: Exactly. Now go get a cool washcloth and try to bring down the puffiness around your eyes. Please... stay away from sad or depressing things... which, at this moment, includes listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. [disconnects] Well, let's shoot it to the news. That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. [he goes off air and Roz enters] Oh, my God! Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show!
Roz: Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier: That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem! Well, I'll see you tomorrow. [he moves to exit, then turns back] Oh! Oh, Roz... about that dream I mentioned to you earlier... uh... this goes without saying, but I'd rather you didn't share that with anyone else.
Roz: Oh, sure.
Betty: [passing by] Hi, dreamboy!
Frasier: [to Roz] I hate you! Couldn't keep your big mouth shut, could you? Just exactly when did you find the time to spread the news?
Roz: You don't think I was listening to your show, do you?
Bulldog enters.
Bulldog: Comin' through! Oh, Doc... I got to rub this one in a little...
Frasier: All right, look, Bulldog... before you start to ridicule me, yes, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some erotic elements, but... [notices Bulldog's surprised expression] You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Bulldog: I do now! Whoa! [laughs]
Frasier: Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did you have prepared for me?
Bulldog: Oh, I was gonna tell you your show today just broke the snooze meter, but now I want to hear about you greasin' Gil's cookie sheet! [honks horn]
Frasier: I'm on a bus to Hell.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PSYCHIATRIST...CRANE...
FRASIER...NILES...IDIOTS
Scene Three - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are standing at the counter. Niles is relaying a story to a bored Frasier.
Niles: So I returned to the dry-cleaners yet a third time. I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
Niles: [miffed] Fine. They realigned my pleats, The End.
Frasier: Sorry, Niles. [they get their coffees and sit at a nearby table] I'm just a bit distracted today. You see, this morning, a... a man from my building approached me with a very intriguing problem. It seems he's been having a recurring dream.
Niles: Oh, please. That little gambit didn't work when we were in knee socks. What was your dream, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, all right! It's been tormenting me. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks now. It's a bit hazy but... it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo: the word "Chesty."
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps... a man. [pause] All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
Frasier: [annoyed] Please? We're both too intelligent to waste time on the obvious interpretation.
Niles: Yes. But you must admit, it's rather intriguing. [chuckles]
Frasier: Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Niles: All right.
Gil approaches the table with a smug grin on his face.
Gil: Good afternoon, Frasier.
Frasier: Gil.
Gil: A little birdie tells me I was featured in your midnight movie.
Frasier: That's very clever. Off you go.
Gil: Very well. I'll see you tomorrow. Or should I say, "See you in your dreams"? [exits]
Niles: In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas or short, blunt swords?
Frasier: Would you stop it?! I'm 43 - a little late for latency.
Rebecca, the waitress, comes over.
Rebecca: You guys okay over here?
Niles: Oh, we're fine.
Frasier: [flirting] Well... you must be new here. I surely would have remembered such a pretty face as yours.
Niles: You're overcompensating.
Frasier: Right. We're fine. Bye-bye. [she leaves] I'm just baffled, Niles. Obviously, Gil Chesterton explains "Chesty" but little else.
Niles: Perhaps you should tackle this from a free-association standpoint.
Frasier: God, must we?
Niles: Well, now... focus on any detail in the motel room. What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Frasier: Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles: Perfect - crescent-shaped lamp. Run with that. Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier: Niles! This is my dream!
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!
Niles: [outraged] Your turn!
Frasier: All right.
Niles: Crescent lamp.
Frasier: Crescent... croissant... butter... apricot jam... hunger... food... diet! My God, I've been on a diet. Do you think that's useful?
Niles: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Frasier: Just wait a minute. Gil is a restaraunt critic - a gourmet. Perhaps he's symbolic of the food I've been denying myself.
Niles: That would explain why you're naked in the dream. It's when we're naked that we're most self-conscious about our bodies.
Frasier: Yes, and most vulnerable to the way society "tattoos" us with labels about our appearance! God, that's it, Niles! The dream is simply telling me that I've been too rigid about my diet!
Niles: Well, you'll know tonight. If this is the correct interpretation, the conflict will have passed from your unconscious to your conscious mind.
Frasier: Yes, the dream will have served its purpose.
Niles: And you will no longer be plagued by it.
Frasier: Oh, God, Niles. I've nailed it all right. I really have. Finally, for the first time in weeks they'll be no tequila bottles, no tattoo, no half-naked man in my bed. [he looks up to see Rebecca standing at their table] So then, the Rabbi says...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Four - The Motel Room. Once again, Frasier is in bed. The tequila bottle is still there, and he still has the tattoo. The shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps a rather buxom woman wearing only a towel. Frasier looks pleasantly surprised.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry... wrong room. [leaves]
Frasier's expression turns to disappointment. Gil suddenly appears lying next to Frasier in bed.
Gil: That does it. We're finding another motel.
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic. He notices something under the covers next to him. He cautiously pulls back the covers to reveal Eddie. He isn't any more pleased about this.
End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - The elevator at the Elliot Bay Towers. Daphne and Martin are in the back of the elevator. The doors open and a woman gets on, standing in front of Daphne and Martin. Daphne says hello and they lapse into silence for a moment. She and Martin then begin to speak to each other in a conspiratorial tone.
Daphne: Someone followed me again last night.
Martin: Ah, you're just being paranoid.
Daphne: I'm telling you, they're onto me.
Martin: Come on. Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic surgery.
The woman becomes alarmed at this.
Daphne: That's what Marlena thought.
Martin: Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to Zurich.
Daphne: I just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin: Relax. You're home free.
Daphne: You don't know the Woodchuck and his ways.
The doors open and the woman rushes out in fear. Martin and Daphne break down laughing.
Daphne: Oh, we're terrible!
Martin: We are? You are! "The Woodchuck and his ways"?
Daphne: You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin: Ah, you're right. We won't do it anymore.
The doors open and a man enters.
Daphne: [as soon as the doors close, to Martin] How'd you get the stuff through Customs?
Martin: They never check the wooden leg.
CUT TO: Frasier's apartment. Frasier is pacing the living room as Niles sits at the couch, poring over psychology textbooks.
Frasier: The answer has got to be in there somewhere!
Niles: Here's something. [reads] "Dreams as an expression of wish fulfillment."
Frasier: [grabs the book] Moving on.
Daphne and Martin enter.
Daphne: Goodness, are you two still here?
Martin: What are you working on?
Frasier: Nothing.
Niles: I'm helping Frasier interpret a dream he's been having. You know, maybe Dad can help.
Frasier: [alarmed] No, no, no... don't want to bore Dad with the details of this particular dream.
Niles: Dreams can be rooted in childhood experience. Maybe Dad remembers something you've repressed.
Martin: Gee, I don't know. If it's about when you were a kid I've repressed a lot of that myself. [exits to the kitchen]
Frasier: Niles, this is not a dream I wish to share with Dad, thank you very much.
Niles: Well, we've exhausted every other interpretation. So, I guess it's back to dreams as wish fulfillment...
Frasier: Oh, Dad... [he moves to the kitchen where Martin is making a sandwich] Would you mind listening to my dream to see if it conjures up any memories from my childhood?
Martin: Oh, come on. You're making too much out of this. It's a dream. Dreams are weird.
Frasier: Please, Dad. I wouldn't ask if it weren't really bothering me.
Martin: Well, all right... go on.
Frasier: All right... it starts out in a little motel room. I have a tattoo on my arm - "Chesty"...
Martin: See? That's weird.
Frasier: Yes. Then out from the bathroom steps a... All right, now before I continue, let me remind you that this is a dream. Not to be confused with reality. [Martin nods, still busy with his sandwich] Out from the bathroom steps a man... [off Martin's concerned expression] -eating lion!
Martin: [relieved] Oh, see? There again, weird. Look, dreams come, they go. They don't mean anything. Except, you know, if you're lucky, every once in awhile you might have one that's a lot of fun. Like, you hit a home run in the World Series or you're in the jungle with Jayne Mansfield and she gets bit by a snake.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: You know who Jayne Mansfield is, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: You know what you do when you're bit by a snake, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad. [leaves]
Martin: [to himself] Wish I knew what I had for dinner that night.
Frasier enters the living room to find Niles and Daphne on the couch, chatting about Frasier's dream.
Daphne: Oh, I get it. Chesty refers to Gil Chesterton.
Frasier: Niles, you gossipy fishwife!
Daphne: [standing] There's no reason to feel self-conscious, Dr. Crane. We've all had dreams like that. I had one about a girl I shared a flat with once - a gymnast.
Niles: [standing] Go on, Daphne. This could be significant.
Daphne: Well, I remember we were doing stretches in the gymnasium, when suddenly we decided to take off all our clothes and go for a bounce on the trampoline. [giggles] The next thing you know, I'm chasing her around the pommel horse. Oh, never mind...
Niles: [aroused] Don't stop now! [off their looks] This could help us. [sits]
Daphne: Well, actually, I do have a theory of my own about your dream, if you'd like to hear it.
Frasier: What the hell.
Daphne: Well... in your dream, who was in the shower? Gil. What is a shower? Running water. Who needs water? Fish. What do fish have? Gills! Do you see where I'm going?
Frasier: Insane?
Daphne: It could be a dream about the loss of a beloved childhood pet.
Martin: [entering from the kitchen with Eddie] Thanks a lot, Eddie. Forty-five minutes in the park, you don't have to go. I get one bite into my sandwich and you give me the look.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, did Dr. Crane ever have a goldfish growing up?
Martin: A fish?
Daphne: Yes, as a pet.
Martin: How would I know? That was Hester's department. [to Eddie] Come on, let's go. [leaves]
Niles: Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier: That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog and has only the spottiest recollections of our childhoods?
Niles: No. No, no, no. Hester - Hesty. The tattoo - that's only one letter away from Chesty!
Frasier: Niles, are you saying that the dream could have been about mother?
Niles: Well?
Frasier: I suppose I could have misread the tattoo. [rolls up his shirt sleeve] Yes, yes... this freckle pattern here on my arm could be mistaken for a "C."
Daphne: And what swims in the sea? Fish! [off their looks] All right, all right I'll go. [exits to her room]
Niles: Well, so the tattoo could have said "Hesty." But the problem is, I don't ever remember Dad calling her that.
Frasier: But who's to say he didn't?
They both gasp and run to the elevator, where Martin is still waiting with Eddie.
Both: Dad, Dad... Dad, Dad!
Martin: What?
Frasier: Did you ever have a nickname for Mother?
Martin: Oh, for God's sakes! Is this to do with that stupid dream?
Frasier: Dad, this is really important!
Niles: Any pet name? A term of endearment?
Martin: Well... when we were first married I used to call her "Honey." And then... there was a time after that that I started calling her "Sweetie."
Frasier: I'm sure there's a delicious anecdote behind each one of those. But did you ever call her "Hesty"?
Martin: "Hesty"?
Frasier: [forcefully] Oh, come on, think, man! Even once! Once, in all the years you lived together?!
Martin: [nervously] We-Well... I don't know. [elevator doors open] I- I guess...
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, maybe once... [stumbles into the elevator, disturbed]
Frasier: Oh, thank you Dad! [doors close] Well, there it is! I must have heard him call her "Hesty" once and neatly tucked it away into my subconscious.
Niles: Of course, it's so obvious! Gil is a food critic. Food, criticism...
Both: Mother!
Niles: It's the classic Oedipal dream!
Frasier: Yes, yes... only I was so frightened by my sexual urges to be with my mother that I transformed her into a man! Oh, what a relief! I've been wringing my hands over nothing. I mean, it's okay. All I want to do is have s*x with my dead mother!
Frasier turns to see that a woman has been standing by the elevator doors and has overheard him. He sheepishly enters his apartment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - the Motel Room. The scene reveals a painting of bananas and swords above the bed where Frasier is sleeping. He awakens to find the tattoo of "Chesty" still on his arm and the sound of the shower running. He is exasperated. The shower stops and he turns to the bathroom door with a look of apprehension.
Frasier: Mom? Mommy?
Gil: [entering] Patience, Daddy!
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic and switches on the light in his bedroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THANK GOD HE WAS WRONG
ABOUT THAT "MOTHER" THING
Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. The middle of the night. Frasier is poring over textbooks at the kitchen table. Martin enters from his bedroom, groaning.
Martin: You'd think by now I'd know better than to have that third Slim Jim before going to bed. Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Frasier: No. Frankly, I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep. It's that damn dream again.
Martin: Oh, what are you worried about? It's just a dream. Worst case scenario - the man-eating lion leaps on top of you and mauls you.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't completely truthful with you before. The dream is really about me in a motel room with a male companion, Gil Chesterton.
Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
He absentmindedly turns on the TV. Frasier turns it off behind him.
Frasier: Dad, please, I'd really like to discuss this!
Martin: No, Frasier, please. This makes me very uncomfortable.
[he enters the kitchen with Frasier following him]
Frasier: Dad, please...
Martin: I know, I know... in your generation, men talk about everything. Everything's out in the open. [he begins to nervously clean the refrigerator and countertop, avoiding eye contact] You know what really drives me crazy is the way you all touch each other. Everybody hugs, you know? In my generation it was a... a handshake. That was good enough. Maybe if you felt especially close to someone you'd touch him on the shoulder, but never for more than two seconds. And don't talk to me about football players patting people's butts and everything, because that's different - that's sports, that's like war. Now, goodnight, son. [exits to the living room]
Frasier: Dad...!
Martin: Look, if you want to tell me something, write it on a post- it and stick it on the fridge.
Frasier: Look, I really want to talk about this! [Martin finally stops and faces Frasier] I've exhausted every other possible interpretation of this dream. Is it possible my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my sexuality?
Martin: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Frasier: Is it? I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin: Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance! [then] All right. Yeah... okay, yeah, I thought about it. But no, Frasier, no... I don't believe that. And you know why? Because you would have known by now. Your unconscious or whatever the hell you call it could no more have kept its yap shut than the rest of you.
Frasier: I suppose you're right.
Martin: Yeah. Now, come on, it's after 3:00. You're gonna be all worn out before your show tomorrow.
Frasier: What a tragedy that would be.
Martin: Now what are you complaining about?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I just haven't had any really interesting calls lately. I'm beginning to question whether I'm not bored with psychiatry. [sits at the table]
Martin: Boy, you'd never know it with the way you got your nose stuck in all those books.
Frasier: That's true. The one saving grace about this dream is it's given me a chance to flex my analytical muscle a bit.
Martin: Ah, maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
Frasier: Wait a minute. Could that be what this has been all about? I've been so intellectually unchallenged lately by my show that my mind had to create a dream that defies interpretation just to give me a challenge?
Martin: I don't know. Keep talking, you're making me sleepy.
Frasier: Dad, no... that's got to be it! [stands] My show hasn't provided me with a single patient worthy of my skills and I had to invent one myself - me! Oh, God! What a relief. At last, finally, to bed. Dad, you've witnessed an epiphany!
[they move to the hall]
Martin: Yeah, God, I got to get you to put this on tape.
Frasier: [o.s.] Off we go. To sleep, perchance NOT to dream.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Four - The Motel Room. Frasier is once again lying in the bed, asleep. He awakens to find the tattoo is now gone and there is no more tequila bottle. He sits up and listens for the shower. Hearing nothing, he lies back, relieved. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. Frasier sits up in surprise and says "Come in." A man enters, the psychiatrist Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Freud: Dr. Crane, Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Frasier: Oh, my goodness! [they shake hands] It's quite an honor!
Freud: The honor is all mine. I gave you a complex psychological problem and you solved it. You are a brilliant psychiatrist.
Frasier: Oh, that's very flattering. You know, there are so many things I'd like to ask you!
Freud: In good time, my boy. In good time. Right now, we have more important matters.
He takes out some breath freshener and sprays it into his mouth. To Frasier's astonishment, Freud then climbs into bed with Frasier and lies back, spreading out his arms for an embrace.
CUT TO: an exterior shot of Frasier's apartment building, where we see a lone light switch on at the 19th floor. It appears Frasier is in for another sleepless night.
[N.B. For you Frasier trivia buffs, this is the only time Frasier's apartment has been shown from an exterior point of view.]
End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
The clock reveals that's it's 3:10 a.m. Eddie is in the kitchen, hopping up and down, trying to grab a muffin on the kitchen counter. It is then revealed that Eddie was asleep on the couch, having his own dream. He jumps down from the couch and rushes to the kitchen. He begins to hop up and down to get a muffin, only there aren't any. He finally sulks back to the living room and lies back down, defeated.
[N.B. The footage used for the dream sequence is actually the same as the tag for Episode [1.22], "Author, Author."]


Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.
Leonard: Hmmm.
Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Raj: Maybe you could run some computer simulations.
Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.
Leonard: We've got to be missing something. Let's start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.
Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why? They're state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
Leonard: Well, it's gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.
Raj: We could eat after the movie.
Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning's bowel movement occurring at work.
Raj: Hang on, hang on. There's a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Howard: Wow. I don't see how we missed that.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?
Raj: That's how we missed it.
Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
Howard: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Raj: Yep, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard: See ya.
Raj: Later, dude.
Sheldon: They're right, it was the only option. Credits sequence.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.
Sheldon: Well, you didn't specify.
Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the "check engine" light to you several months ago.
Penny: Well the "check engine" light is fine. It's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.
Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.
Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.
Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That's why it's guarded by snakes. Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon: I'm never silly. Here.
Penny: No, I can't.
Sheldon: Don't you need money?
Penny: Well, yeah, but...
Sheldon: This is money I'm not using.
Penny: But what if you need it?
Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.
Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?
Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I'm regretting this already.
Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.
Sheldon: You know, I've given the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Ask me why.
Leonard: Do I have to?
Sheldon: Of course. That's how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?
Penny: Great. I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Was that sarca..
Leonard: Stop it!
Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.
Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.
Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
Leonard: He's not lying, he does find that fascinating.
Penny: Okay, whatever. It's not like I'm running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?
Leonard: Weird.
Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn't sure.
Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.
Sheldon: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there's a blunder I overlooked.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go. Oh, you owe me another two dollars. The price of mu-shu pork went up.
Howard: It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.
Leonard: Here you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.
Penny: Thank you, Leonard. What's my share?
Leonard: Don't worry about it. It's my treat.
Penny: No, really, how much?
Leonard: It's, whatever. Ten, eleven dollars.
Penny: Well, which is it, ten or eleven?
Leonard: Fourteen fifty, but it's no biggie, you'll get the next one. (Raj whispers something to Howard)
Penny: What?
Howard: He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top if he'd get his shrimp lo mein for free.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner? That I'm some kind of Chinese food prostitute?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, what are you saying?
Penny: 'Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don't rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about?
Howard: He has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out. Kind of like a puppy.
Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.
Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it's okay.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner's here.
Penny: Yes, dinner's here, and I'm having some. I'm having takeout food.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You're damn right it's okay. I've been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
Penny: Sheldon, look, I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.
Leonard: Oh, wait, you lent her money?
Penny: She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.
Penny: Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn't you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can't pay her bills.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Penny: Going home, where I won't be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.
Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard: But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: A little mood lighting, huh?
Penny: Yeah. When I didn't pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
Leonard: Yeah, they're very considerate that way.
Penny: I used Sheldon's money to pay my rent, then I had like fourteen dollars left over.
Leonard: Fourteen dollars, huh?
Penny: Put it back in your pocket, or I'll find some other place to put it.
Leonard: Back in the pocket it goes. Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn't care when he gets the money back. It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn't make you want to, you know, kill him.
Penny: Yeah, well, that's not really my big problem.
Leonard: So you're a little behind on your bills. Everybody gets behind on their bills.
Penny: Yeah, I know, it's just, this wasn't the plan, it wasn't supposed to go this way.
Leonard: Well, what was the plan?
Penny: Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Leonard: Was there a plan B?
Penny: TV star.
Leonard: It's probably not as bad as you think. Let's take a look. Maybe we can find some corners to cut. Oh, here's something, if you don't have electricity, then you probably don't need cable. Just a suggestion. 170 dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh, no, I can't give up my acting classes. I'm a professional actress.
Leonard: You've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of... let's keep looking. Whoa, what's eighteen hundred dollars to the Los Angeles County Superior Court?
Penny: Oh, that's nothing.
Leonard: Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4,000 miles an hour.
Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.
Penny: Anyway, he had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so I, you know, I paid his fines.
Leonard: Did he pay you back?
Penny: No, but he will.
Leonard: And that's based on the inherent credit-worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles?
Penny: Leonard, I'm not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
Leonard: Well what are you gonna do?
Penny: I don't know, but I may have to find a cheaper place to live.
Leonard: Oh, no. Oh, you don't want to do that.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, moving is a big deal. You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes, and if they're not clean, then your books smell like melons, and it's just, like... Why don't you just get a roommate and stay here?
Penny: Well, do you know anybody?
Leonard: Well, I'm sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn't mind moving in with you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Ugh. This mu-shu pork's burning a hole through my duodenum.
Raj: Leviticus 11:3: "Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat."
Howard: Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper?
Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Raj: We're on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown.
Howard: You want the Valley of Fire? It's right here.
Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.
Leonard: - Come on. It'll be fun.
Howard: What is it?
Leonard: Do you guys remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt? (They all hold their hands above their heads) Yeah, that's him. It turns out he owes Penny a lot of money, and I'm gonna go get it from him. Who's with me?
Howard: Ooh, double sixes.
Leonard: Really? You're just gonna let me go by myself?
Raj: Oh, cool, I got a sword.
Leonard: I could use some help.
Raj: Here.
Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?
Leonard: I do.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.
Leonard: I'm not afraid of him.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny's steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.
Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn't Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?
Sheldon: They did.
Leonard: Well?
Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
Raj: Plus, no one stole their pants.
Leonard: Fine. Just enjoy your little game. I'll make this quest on my own.
Howard: Leonard, wait. Take a jacket, it's spritzing a little.
Leonard: You guys suck. (Leaves. Comes back) Come on, please? He's so big.
Scene: Outside Kurt's door.
Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? I'll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
Raj: I should've peed before we left.
Kurt: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, Kurt.
Kurt: Lenny, right?
Leonard: I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.
Kurt: No. What do you want?
Sheldon: You don't remember me? How could he not remember me?
Leonard: Sheldon, not now.
Sheldon: I remember him.
Leonard: Okay, here it is. Penny's in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
Kurt: And she sent you to get it from me?
Leonard: No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money. I, on the other hand, feel you should honour your debt.
Kurt: You do?
Leonard: Feel is a kind of a... it's a strong word. Um, I just think it would be a nice gesture on your part.
Kurt: She'll get it when she gets it.
Howard: Well, there you go. Problem solved.
Raj: A successful quest. Now let's go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
Leonard: No, the problem isn't solved. He just blew us off.
Sheldon: I've got it. He didn't remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
Howard: Come on, Leonard, let's go
Leonard: No. You can leave if you want to. I'm gonna see this through.
Howard: Okay. (They leave)
Leonard: I guess, technically, that was my fault. (Knocks) I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
Kurt: What happened to your backup?
Leonard: I don't need backup. I have right on my side. And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Scene: Leonard's car.
Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has "I owe Penny $1800, Kurt" written on his forehead.)
Howard: Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Raj: If anybody cares, I still have to pee.
Scene: Outside the apartment. Penny knocks.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon!
Penny: Nice hat.
Leonard: It's kind of a fashionable look these days.
Penny: Maybe if you're working on a tuna boat.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Darn. I can't seem to get the hang of that.
Leonard: Hey, I know it's none of my business, but where did the money come from?
Penny: Well, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up a few more hours at the restaurant, but the biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me.
Leonard: Really? Did he say why?
Penny: Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.
Leonard: That's it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?
Penny: Nope. I just think he's really changed. We're having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn't seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it's his nature.
Leonard: Penny's hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!
Sheldon: That's your badge of honour, your warrior's wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (sings): There once was a brave lad named Leonard, with a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant, while Raj just wanted to pee.