Act One.
Scene One - Apartment Martin is sat in his Armchair reading the paper, Daphne is sat at the table writing a letter. Daphne notices something.
Daphne: Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin: [looks] Where? [spots it] Oh! Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you? [She slings him a large roll of duct tape] Thanks.
He kneels down to patch the rip. Frasier comes out of the hall dressed in his best suit.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.
Frasier: Well, I don't feel smart. I let Roz set me up another one of her blind dates.
Daphne: Who's the lucky woman?
Frasier: Oh, a friend from her aerobics class. Oh, perhaps it won't be so bad. She's thirty-two, has a terrific body, and apparently thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Martin: Well, at least you have one thing in common.
Frasier grimly watches his father repairing his chair.
Frasier: Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? [doorbell] My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go!
Martin: [sits back down] You know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words. Only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.
He answers the door to Niles and Girl, his Maris-like dog.
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
Niles: I have some wonderful news. I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
Frasier: You don't mean?
Niles: I do. As of next week, I'll be a resident of... [holds out his lease] the Montana.
Frasier: Niles, why would you want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was riff-raff.
Niles: Well, if you're going to answer your own questions, what do you need me for? The best part is, I'll never have to give my address again. From now on, I'll simply be, "Dr. Niles Crane, The Montana."
Daphne: That's a lovely building. I've only been there once, applying for a job.
Niles: I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
Daphne: I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, goodnight!
She leaves to her bedroom. The three Crane men look unsettled.
Martin: Hey, Frasier, you don't...
Frasier: Oh, just relax, dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
Martin: What if she isn't?
Frasier: Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.
Niles looks suddenly at Girl, who is not moving.
Niles: Gosh, that's uncanny, dad.
Martin: What is?
Niles: The way she's taken with you. She's absolutely mesmerized.
Martin: She is not.
Niles: Oh, she is. She's just playing hard to get. [pushes Girl toward Martin] Go to Grampa. Isn't she warm and cuddly? [Martin reluctantly takes her on his lap] Oh, I see I'm going to have a tough time tearing you two apart!
Frasier: You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here. The Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: Well, then you're in luck, because I don't know what the hell this thing is!
Frasier: There is no way that dog is moving in here with us!
Niles: Oh please, at least if she's here I'll be able to come and visit her. I cannot turn her over to strangers. [whispering confidentially] She worships me.
Frasier: Oh pul-eeze, you must realise that dog has no genuine affection for you. [Niles looks confused] You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris!
Niles: That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
Frasier: She is highly strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit, whatcha got?
Niles: I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
Frasier: Oh, is it really? Do you remember that little pilbox hat that Maris wore to the the Duchamps' wedding?
Niles: Absolutely.
Frasier takes a small dip bowl and puts it at a cocked angle on Girl's head. As Martin nods in agreement, Niles staggers backward against the couch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JUST CALL ME STINKY
Scene Two - KACL. The next day, Frasier enters his booth. Roz is waiting with a clipboard.
Roz: Hi, Frasier. So how did it go with Rita last night?
Frasier: She didn't quite take to me.
Roz: Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always are.
Frasier: You tell me. Over appetizers, she suddenly remembered that she had a very early morning meeting, so she suggested we skip the jazz club after dinner.
Roz: People have meetings.
Frasier: Mmm-hmm. When the waiter suggested a soufflé for desert that would take an extra thirty minutes she said, "Oh Dear God, no!"
Roz: She was probably on a diet.
Frasier: After I dropped her off at home, I noticed she had left her suede jacked in my car. I called to offer to swing it by and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."
Roz: What did you do to her?
Frasier: Nothing! God Roz, I have had it. In the past six months I have done everything a man can possibly do to meet a woman. Singles bars, blind dates, lecture series at the museum. I've even spent hours in the grocery store trying to look helpless in the produce department! That's it. I'm taking myself off the market. Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.
Roz: You know, Frasier...
Frasier: Roz, Roz, please. I know what you're going to say. I should climb back on that horse, I'm too great a catch to give up now.
Roz: No, I think you should give up.
Frasier: [startled:] What? I don't really want to give up. I don't really want to give up, I was just saying that to get your sympathy.
Roz: It happens sometimes. When you get into a really bad streak, you start to get desperate. Women can smell it.
Frasier: Smell it?
Roz: Mmm-hmm. As soon as the man begins to get overeager - you know, like complimenting you too much, or laughing too hard at all your jokes - you just want to turn and run!
Frasier: I don't do that!
Roz: Oh honey, wake up and smell... well yourself! You just have to air it out a little bit. And in my experience, the minute you stop looking, the perfect person falls right in your lap.
Frasier: Well Roz, as much as I appreciate you comparing me to a dead squirrel in a heating duct, I think you're wrong.
Christine, an employee, enters with some files.
Christine: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey.
Christine: I got those pictures you were looking for. Hey, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Hey, you look really lovely today, Christine. It is Christine, isn't it?
Christine: That's what it says on my driver's license.
Frasier: [laughs hard] Very charming. [Roz and Christine leave] Oh God, I reek, don't I?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - The Montana Niles is completing the tour of his new, stylish apartment with Daphne and Martin. The decor and furniture are as expensive and classy as Frasier's, but the style is a little older. They end up on the small balcony overlooking the main room.
Niles: ...inlay of Philippine mahogany. And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.
Daphne: It's very posh. [doorbell]
Martin: Niles, why a bed in the living room?
Niles: That's not a bed, dad. It's an antique fainting couch.
Daphne: My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they!
Niles answers the door to Frasier.
Niles: Ah, I'm glad you made it.
Frasier: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Oh, that's because he knows you.
Frasier: Oh, fan of my show?
Niles: No, he lives in your building.
Martin: So Niles, what did you do about the dog?
Niles: Oh, I found a wonderful family to adopt her.
Daphne: Well, I'm sure it won't take you long to adjust to being alone again.
Niles: Well, actually I won't have to. Follow me, there's someone I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight! She's very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue! [exits to the kitchen]
Martin: Wow, I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
The gang enter Niles's kitchen, where a cockatoo is perched on his shoulder.
Niles: Everybody, meet Baby.
Baby: I love you.
Frasier: You bought a bird?
Niles: Well, I started to think how quiet it would be around here, and she is lovely and she is so affectionate.
Baby: I love you.
Niles: Ah! She says that all the time. I love you too, baby.
Baby: I love you, grandma.
Niles: She's still in transition from her last owner.
The door buzzer sounds, causing Baby to squawk and dig her claws into Niles's shoulder.
Niles: Ow, ow! Let go of my shoulder! You don't like that noise, do you, baby? Go to your food. [she does] Oh, good girl. Excuse me.
He leaves the kitchen to answer the door.
Daphne: Oh you know, I've always been fascinated by these birds that can actually learn how to talk.
Martin: [walks to Baby] Aw, they can't talk. They just a drill a few words into them at the pet shop and they never learn anything else after that.
Frasier: It is attractive, though.
Martin: Yeah well, that's the way they are: Cute but stupid.
Baby: Cute but stupid!
Martin straightens up, surprised. Baby mimics him. Martin nods his head, Baby does the same. He starts bobbing up and down...
Frasier: You know Daphne, I think we should leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up.
Martin carries on. Frasier enters the living room as Niles shuts the door with mail in hand.
Niles: Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building. One of my neighbours got my mail by mistake. Look at those bills, what must she think of me?
Frasier: But Niles, everyone gets bills.
Niles: Not at the Montana. They all have people. Their bills go to their people. I want them to think I have people too. I used to have people... only they were Maris's people.
Frasier: Niles, if you keep this up you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.
Niles: Well, it just shows how essential it is to make a good impression when moving into a new building, which is why I'm throwing a dinner party Friday night for a few select residents. I'll show them such a good time there'll be no question that I belong here.
Frasier: Am I invited?
Niles: Yes you are, but I'm afraid you can't bring a date. You know how I hate a crowded table.
Frasier: It's alright. I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.
Niles: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.
Martin sticks his head out of the kitchen.
Martin: Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!
Niles: Dad!
As Niles gets up, the door buzzes again.
Niles: Frasier, would you get that? And pretend you're my people.
Niles rushes into the kitchen to stop Martin whilst Frasier answers the door to a woman; Stephanie Garret.
Stephanie: Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for Dr. Crane. I found some more of his mail.
Frasier: Well, I'm a Dr. Crane. I'm Niles's brother.
Stephanie: Oh my gosh, you're Frasier Crane from the radio, aren't you? Oh, I love your show.
Frasier: Thank you.
Stephanie: Oh, Stephanie Garret.
Frasier: [shakes hands] Stephanie.
Stephanie: You know, em, you are not going to believe this but when I was a freshman at Harvard, I saw you perform the pirate king in a production of "Pirates Of Penzance."
Frasier: Oh my God.
Stephanie: No, no, you were great. You were so good, I brought my husband back to see you the next night. Well, he wasn't my husband then. Well, actually he's not my husband now.
Frasier: Glad to hear that. No, glad to hear you came for a second time, not that you have an ex-husband. You know, I have one too. Not a husband, ex-wife. I mean a woman... is it getting hot in here?
Stephanie: Yeah, a bit! [flustered laugh] Well, it was nice to meet you.
Frasier: Wait, you know, Niles is having a little party on Friday for some of his enchanting new neighbors. [Niles appears listening in] Is there any chance you could join us?
Stephanie: Yes, I think I could, if Niles has room.
Niles: [faked:] The more the merrier!
Stephanie: I'll look forward to it. [leaves]
Frasier: As will I.
She leaves. Frasier closes the door, excited.
Frasier: Roz was right! As soon as I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right in my lap!
Niles: Well, I hope you'll be comfortable with that arrangement, because that's where she'll be seated Friday night!
End Of Act One. (Time: 10:20) Act Two.
GET A GRIP
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene One - The Montana In his apartment, Niles is setting the table with Baby on his shoulder.
Niles: Bon Appetite, Bon Appetite. Now, you try it, Baby. Bon Appetite.
Baby: Bon Appetite.
Niles: What a quick little study you are. Bird-brained indeed! You already know more French than my father.
The door buzzer sounds, making Baby dig her claws into him.
Niles: Ow! Boy, if you don't get used to that doorbell we're going to have to give you a serious manicure. [sounds again and she digs in] Ow! I'm coming, I'm coming, stop ringing!
He opens the door to Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, good evening, Niles. Or should I say, "avast ye, matey!"
Niles: I don't have time for your badinage, I'm only just putting out my place cards.
Frasier: [picks up card] Place cards, how elegant. Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles: He's on your right. He's an investment banker from Amsterdam, and apparently he handles a lot of Bill Gates's money. So don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Frasier: Oh, damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95. [looks] Stephanie's over here, I'm not sitting next to her.
Niles: I know, you see, Peter's bringing a date so I thought it would be better... [spots Frasier re-arranging:] What are youdoing?
Frasier: Putting Stephanie next to me!
Niles: And throwing off my whole seating arrangement?
Frasier: Niles, surely you realise I've spent a long time looking for a woman like Stephanie.
Niles: Yeah.
Frasier: Now, listen. I'm afraid if you want to impress these people you've got to get a little more atmosphere here in the room. You know, I'll light the fire while you dim the lights a bit.
Niles: [runs to lights] Oh, that's a good idea. By the way, be careful with that fireplace, it can be a bit...
It's too late and Frasier causes the fire to flare up suddenly, causing Baby to jump onto Niles's head and dig her claws in. The flame shrinks immediately, but Baby stays put.
Niles: Holding on a bit tight there, Baby, aren't you? Go to your perch. Go to your perch. [Baby doesn't move] Frasier, this bird's holding onto my scalp. [tries to move her but she won't budge] I can't pull it off.
Frasier: Niles, after that jaunty beret you wore to brunch last Sunday, you can pull anything off.
Niles and Frasier attempt to pull it off. Frasier begins pulling sharply which only causes distress for Niles.
Niles: Get the lighter. Put fire near my head. Fire will frighten her off. Try that.
Frasier tries this but Baby simply digs in deeper.
Frasier: Oh here, the phone.
He hands the phone to Niles who holds it next to his head and tries to get the bird to perch on the aerial. Frasier is surprised.
Frasier: Niles, call for help!
Niles: And who do you suggest we call, a Fez rental? Go on, Baby, go to your perch. [panicking:] Go to your food, go to your bed!
Frasier: Niles, don't panic! Try to stay calm.
Niles: How can I stay calm? I have six dinner guests arriving in exactly...
The door buzzer sounds making Baby dig in even deeper.
Niles: Ah, ow!
Frasier: You go call the vet and I'll go and take care of things out here.
Niles rushes to the kitchen whilst Frasier answers the door to Stephanie.
Frasier: Oh, hello.
Stephanie: Hello.
Frasier: Please come in.
Stephanie: [looking around] I'm not early, am I?
Frasier: No, not at all. May I get you a drink?
Stephanie: Ah, yes. White wine, please. [they head to the wine desk where Frasier pours] What a lovely table! [points to dining area]
Frasier: Yes, I notice we happen to be sitting next to one another.
Stephanie: Good, now I won't have to change the place cards around.
Frasier: Well, [lifts glass] to the girl next door.
Stephanie: Well, actually it's a little further down the hall.
Frasier: Well, if you need a ride home tonight don't hesitate to ask.
The door buzzer sounds creating painful noises from the kitchen.
Stephanie: What was that?
Frasier: Oh, I'm afraid Niles probably burned himself on something. Don't worry, he'll be fine.
He answers the door to three more guests, an elderly couple and a younger woman.
Frasier: Hello, please do come in. I'm Frasier Crane, Niles's brother.
Carol: I'm Carol Larkin, my husband Alfred, this is our niece, Wella.
Frasier: Nice to meet you. Please make yourself comfortable, I'm just going to run into the kitchen and check on the bird.
Frasier enters the kitchen where Niles is on the phone to the vet. Imagine the sight.
Niles: [on phone:] Uh-huh, uh-huh, so you've seen this thing before. I see. Alright, well, thank you.
Frasier: What did he say?
Niles: Well, he thinks she was traumatized by the fire and she had a shock. He said we shouldn't try to force her off, we need to relax her.
Frasier: Fine, you take care of that, I've got the future Mrs. Crane out there in the other room.
Niles: Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, how am I supposed to relax this bird?
Frasier: I don't know. Oh, try delivering that keynote you gave at the psychiatric association last spring.
Frasier enters the room again where all are sitting.
Frasier: Everything alright out here?
Alfred: Will Dr. Crane be joining us soon?
Frasier: Oh yes, I believe so, any minute now.
The doorbell sounds again, which causes more audible distress for Niles.
Carol: Oh dear, something wrong?
Frasier: I keep telling him, get yourself a decent oven mitt, but you know...
He answers the door to Peter and Elaine.
Frasier: Hello, please come in. I'm Frasier, Niles's brother.
Peter: Peter Soutendeck, nice to meet you. This is Elanie Hensley.
Elaine: Actually your brother and I are well acquainted. Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.
Frasier: Really?
Elaine: Yes, [looks] so where is he?
Frasier: He's in the kitchen, savoring for you tonight a lovely pheasant.
We hear bird squawks from the kitchen.
Frasier: As you know, he's a stickler for freshness!
Frasier runs to the kitchen where Niles is standing with Baby still on his head, but with a towel over her. Try and imagine the sight.
Frasier: Oh, what now?
Niles: I'm trying to pretend like it's night so it'll fall asleep.
Frasier: Well, you look very cute.
Baby: Cute but stupid!
Frasier: Listen Niles, I really can't stall them any longer, they're starting to ask questions. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles: What? What's her name?
Frasier: Elaine somebody.
Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Frasier: I don't know, she's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles: Oh, like that narrows it down!
Frasier and Niles pop their head round the door spying on Elaine taking a sip from her drink. They go back to the kitchen.
Niles: Damn! I was afraid of that, it's the bad Elaine, Maris's oldest friend. Nothing would delight her more than to report back to Maris that I threw a soiree with a cockatoo on my head!
Baby: Bon Appetite!
The guests in the main room hear Baby's first French word.
Elaine: What was that?
Frasier: [entering with crab puffs and covering up:] Bon Appetite! Crab puff, anyone? Bon Appetite!
Later on, Frasier is acting like host, telling the guests a joke.
Frasier: At which point, the woman said to Churchill, "Sir, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." To which Churchill sorely replied, "Madame, if you were my wife I'd drink it!" [laughs on his own] Perhaps you've heard that story.
Alfred: Yes, from Churchill.
Frasier: Well, can I freshen anyone's drink?
Everybody holds up their empty wine glasses.
Frasier: Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around. As he goes to the bar, Stephanie comes over to him.
Stephanie: I didn't realise that you were going to play host all night. I mean, we've hardly had a chance to talk, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to make it an early night. Yes, I'm leaving to Paris first thing in the morning and I was really hoping that we could spend some time alone.
Frasier: And so we shall. As of this moment, it's just the two of us, you'll get my complete attention.. [sees Elaine walking to kitchen and he runs to block her] ...just after this. Oh Elaine, would you like a fill up?
Elaine: Well actually I was seeing what Niles is up to in there, perhaps I can be of some help.
Frasier: Well, you know you could pour the wine...
Niles pulls Frasier into the kitchen, he still has the towel over his head.
Frasier: You are totally ruining my chances with Stephanie!
Niles: [sarcastic:] Yes, that was my first concern too. Toss. [Frasier begins tossing salad] You can't abandon me just because you're hoping she is just as horny as you are.
Frasier: The first thing you've got to do is go to the vet and have that thing removed!
Niles: Oh, are you mad? I can't walk through there with this thing on my head, I'd be the laughingstock of the Montana.
Frasier: You can't spend the night in the kitchen!
Niles: Frasier, these people live for gossip. I've only been here three days and I already know that Peter's a letch and Carol's a lush. What do think they'd say about me?
Frasier: You know, I've spent the last forty-five minutes with these people. I think they are kind and understanding, I think they'll be very sympathetic with your problem.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You don't think they'll laugh at me?
Frasier: No, I don't. And furthermore, if you stay in here they'll think you're rude, bad-mannered, and - dare I say it - a bad host.
Niles: Fine, I'll go out there. But if they ridicule me, let it be on your head! Open the door.
Frasier enters the living room, telling them the news.
Frasier: Everyone? Excuse me, Niles has had a little mishap, he will have to go to the doctor. It's nothing serious, he just has to have something removed. Niles!
Niles enters with Baby on his head but without the towel.
Frasier: You see, his bird suffered a kind of trauma and has attached itself to the scalp and we just...
Niles: Frasier, Frasier, this isn't necessary. Good evening, everyone, I'm terribly sorry for all this.
Elaine: [sympathetic:] Oh Niles, you mean all this time you've been hiding in there because of your bird? Oh, you poor thing.
Peter: You know, the same thing happened to my mother once, only with her cat. Now that was a sight!
Carol: Who hasn't had an embarrassing moment at a party? [drunk, she spills wine all over her and laughs] Look, I just spilled wine on my dress!
Niles: This is such a relief. I must say, I feel a bit silly for staying in there for so long.
Alfred: Are you in any pain?
Niles: No, no. As long as no-one rings the doorbell I'm fine.
Niles makes signs of talons digging in which makes them laugh.
Frasier: Well, you know, you seem to relaxing a bit, maybe the bird will relax. Shall we give this another minute or two, everyone? [everyone agrees]
Niles: Alright then, who needs more wine? [he begins to pour still with the bird on his head] Alfred, white for you. And would anyone like some cheese or a cracker?
Baby: Squawk.
Niles: No, no, Baby, guests first! Oh Carol, that dress is absolutely smashing!
Carol: Why, thank you.
Baby: Carol's a lush.
Carol: Did the bird just say something?
Wella: It sounded like it said...
Baby: Carol's a lush.
Alfred: Where would a bird learn a phrase like that?
Niles: Birds today! You don't know where they pick these things up! Well, shall we all join Peter at the table?
Baby: Peter's a letch.
Peter: What did that say?
Niles: I said, "let's all sit down."
Baby: Peter's a letch.
Peter: Is this your idea of a joke?
Alfred: I've had quite enough of this. [they begin to leave]
Niles: Hang on Carol, don't go, I did not teach the bird these phrases, I don't know where she picked them up.
Frasier: Please, you'll stay won't you, Stephanie?
Baby: Stephanie's horny!
Stephanie: [agape] Oh my God, is that what you've been saying about me behind my back?!
Frasier: No, no, I never said that about you, I said that about me! I'm the horny one, all I said was you were very cute.
Baby: Cute but stupid!
Stephanie: [sarcastic:] Well, thank you both for a wonderful evening! Good evening!
Frasier: Stephanie, please let me explain.
Niles: [follows her to the door] I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are going to be neighbours, so...
She rings the door buzzer and holds it down, making him scream. She leaves.
Frasier: Well... thank you very much!
Niles: Oh please, I lost far more than you did!
Frasier: Really? That was one of the most promising romantic prospects I've had in years! What have you lost? The respect of a parched lush and a Dutch letch! Thanks for learning that, Baby!
Niles: Alright, I apologize.
Frasier: Thank you. I suppose I could drive you to the vet now. Maybe we should take the service elevator?
Niles: Oh, what's the point? I don't think my reputation can suffer anymore than it already has.
Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Wearing a white bird after Labor day!
They leave.
End of Act Two. (Time: 21:15)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles, with no bird, is on the phone talking urgently to the vet. The shot pans to Frasier sitting on the fainting couch with Baby on HIS head, with a towel draped over her. He dips a cracker in hs wine, and tries to feed it to her. Baby won't eat it, so he grumpily eats it himself.


"The Pain in the Heart"
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Open: Flash back to final scene of previous episode "The Wannabe in the Weeds". Booth has just been shot by Pam Nunan and Brennan is leaning over him telling him he's going to be fine - as if she's reliving the moment.)
BRENNAN: Booth, you're gonna be fine. Really. Come on. Come on, Booth. It's gonna be fine. Come on, Booth. Come on, Booth. No! Oh, come on...
(Fade into: Medico Legal Lab - Forensic Platform. Brennan and Zack are going over remains from Limbo)
BRENNAN: The carbon isotopic composition of the collagen, shows a value of minus 16%.ZACK: Supporting the theory that the deceased was born in Provence, France.
(Hodgins, Angela, Cam and Sweets join them on the platform, all dressed in dark colors)
BRENNAN: In the 16th century...
HODGINS: It's time, Dr. Brennan.
BRENNAN: (ignoring Hodgins) The metacarpal phalangeal joints are smooth, showing dexterity. Perhaps a musician..
CAM: That's enough. We're going. Now.
BRENNAN: I have remains to identify. He could have a family.
ANGELA: He's 500 years old. They've probably adjusted by now.
BRENNAN: I'm not going. I've already made that clear.
SWEETS: It's Agent Booth's funeral, Dr. Brennan. Losing a loved one is -
BRENNAN: A partner, Sweets. I lost a partner.
SWEETS: Someone close to you. The funeral allows you to grieve so you can come to terms with his death.
BRENNAN: The Arunta Aboriginal tribe in Australia grieve by burning down their village and - and moving to a new one. That seems no crazier to me than gathering around a hole in the ground.
SWEETS: Being hostile won't -
ANGELA: Brennan...a word.
SWEETS: Excuse me? Professional psychologist.
(Angela pulls Brennan aside and holds up a finger to Sweets - indicating to give her a minute)
ANGELA: Look. I know how you see things, and I respect that, but I need to ask you a favor.
(She holds up Booth's funeral card)
ANGELA: I have to go to the funeral. I'm not going to be able to get through this alone. I've been crying for, like, days. I really need your shoulder here. I need my best friend.
(Cut to: Arlington National Cemetery. Everyone is gathered around a casket and Caroline is giving the eulogy. It's Booth's funeral.)
CAROLINE: I knew Seeley Booth. He was a good man who earned my respect and affection. And I don't like many people. Booth had a selfless commitment to his work, first in the military and then the FBI. Two weeks ago, he made the ultimate sacrifice - giving his life to save his partner. And in the brave act, he showed us what greatness we are all capable of.
BRENNAN: (loudly, to Angela) That woman was aiming at me and I would have happily taken that bullet.
ANGELA: I know.
CAROLINE: May God's mercy and love shine on Seeley Booth as he takes his place beside the Lord.
BRENNAN: (loudly, to Angela) If there were a merciful God, why wouldn't he have saved Booth.
(Drums start playing as the officers prepare to fire their weapons)
OFFICER: Standby.
(Camera pans to one of the officers and it's revealed that it's Booth.)
OFFICER: At ease.
(A man starts to walk towards the coffin, as the rest of the officers continue to follow commands)
OFFICER: Aim.
(Booth pushes through Zack and Sweets and punches the man, knocking him to the ground)
ANGELA: What the hell is going on?
(The casket is pushed to the ground and it opens up, revealing a dummy body inside.)
ZACK: They appear to be fighting.
(The man and Booth fight on the ground and Brennan watches. The man punches Booth and Brennan runs over to the casket to grab the dummy's arm and uses it to knock out the man. She immediately starts to move towards Booth - looking extremely angry)
BOOTH: Bones! Nice shot. (He notices her anger) What?
(Brennan punches Booth in the jaw and then stops off. Booth groans)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Booth and Brennan are walking out of Brennan's office.)
BOOTH: After I got shot, the Bureau faked my death so I could finally get that guy.
BRENNAN: I don't care.
BOOTH: Look, I drove him underground. He said the only way that we would ever see him again would be at my funeral, so...
BRENNAN: I don't care.
HODGINS: Who is he?
BOOTH: What part of "National Security" don't you understand, Hodgins?
HODGINS: "National Security": catch-all phrase for "we can do anything we want"
BRENNAN: I knew I shouldn't have gone to that funeral. It was a complete waste of time, just like I said.
BOOTH: Wait a second, you thought that my funeral was a waste of time?
CAM: I thought it was a lovely service, Booth.
BOOTH: Thank you. You know, I expected to see more people though.
HODGINS: I always imagined a lot of ex-girlfriends crying.
BOOTH: Yeah, me too.
ANGELA: You guys are pathetic.
BRENNAN: Just know I won't be attending your next funeral.
BOOTH: Bones, I'm telling you. You were supposed to know that I wasn't really dead. I swear! That's why I thought you weren't crying!
CAM: Informed by who, exactly?
BOOTH: I gave a list of people to the bureau to inform that I was not really dead. You know what? They didn't tell you, it's not my fault.
SWEETS: Dr. Brennan's actually upset because she had to face strong emotions that she'd rather deny. Striking Agent Booth, indicated the depth of your feelings for him. It was a very passionate act.
BOOTH: (to Sweets) Thank you! (to Brennan) Did you hear that? Passion!
BRENNAN: Yes, passion, because anger is a passion! Anger at being manipulated!
ZACK: Dr. Brennan?
BRENNAN: Pretend to be dead-
BOOTH: Aw forget it. I'm outta-
ZACK: Someone left a package for you.
(He hands her a package wrapped in plain brown paper - with "Dr. Temperance Brennan" written on it in marker. She opens it to find a box. Inside that box contains a mandible and 2 silver screws)
BOOTH: Oh!
BRENNAN: It's a mandible.
BOOTH: Look at that, huh. Two silver screws.
HODGINS: Silver screws as in...
ANGELA: Silver skeleton?
HODGINS: As in..
CAM: Gormogon?
BRENNAN: That's speculation.
(She examines the mandible closer.)
ZACK: Tooth marks.
BOOTH: Someone's been snacking on that.
CAM: Snacking? As in cannibalism?
BRENNAN: Evidence of cannibalism does not necessarily mean-
BOOTH: Bones, it's Gormogon. Has to be.
CAM: Oh, god. Who has he eaten this time.
(Opening Credits)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform. The team is gathered around a television watching Sweets on TV)
SWEETS: (On TV) This is the fifth known victim in the Gormogon murders, all of which have been subjected to ritualized cannibalism.
FEMALE REPORTER: He has apprentices?
SWEETS: Yes. One at all time to help perform the murders, dispose of the bodies, eradicate evidence. His mission, it seems, is to construct a complete skeleton out of the bones of his victims.
CAM: I've seen enough. (She turns off the TV)
BRENNAN: (turning to the platform) Booth?
BOOTH: Bones, I'm thinking here.
BRENNAN: Thinking about what exactly?
CAM: Well, it's a pickle. The platform's a crime scene but we need to access it to investigate the crime.
ANGELA: A "cake and eat it too" situation.
ZACK: Is it a cake or a pickle?
HODGINS: It's Schrodinger's Cat.
ZACK: That I understand. Cakes and pickles mean nothing to me.
BRENNAN: Are you paralyzed by the paradox, Booth?
CAM: I'll make this easy. What do you need first?
BOOTH: Identity.
CAM: Let's go people.
(The rush up the stairs, past Booth, and start getting to work on the platform)
BOOTH: Whoa. Hey, easy! Alright, you can't...alright. There ya go.
(The team huddles around he mandible.)
CAM: Okay, the tooth sockets may contain enough tissue to check DNA.
BRENNAN: Zack, there are markings on this bone that need to be checked out.
ZACK: It appears to have been boiled.
HODGINS: I'll see if I can pull any mineral traces that can help us determine the water he used.
(The disperse and go about their tasks)
BOOTH: Okay. I, uh, give you all permission to do whatever it is that you squints do. I'll, uh, just... (he brakes the crime scene tape on the stairs and starts backing down) Call me. (to the FBI agents at the bottom of the stairs) Let's go.
(Cut to: Booth's Bathroom. Booth is lounging in the tub, sipping beer from his beer helmet when Brennan barges in.)
BRENNAN: I need to talk to you!
BOOTH: What the hell, Bones! I'm in my house, in my bathroom, in my bathtub! (Brennan walks over to the record player and turns it off) How the hell did ya get in here anyway?
BRENNAN: Well, that fake rock by your front door wouldn't fool anybody. Why are you wearing a hat that dispenses beer?
BOOTH: Hot tub, plus cold beer equals warm beer. Hat? Equals solution. So why are you -
BRENNAN: And that cigar? Very unhealthy.
BOOTH: Okay, what the hell do ya want now, Bones? Okay? Cause I'm not really feeling too relaxed.
BRENNAN: You should have told me that you weren't dead.
BOOTH: I already explained this to you. The bureau has to vet everyone when there is a security issue. I was just following protocol.
BRENNAN: Protocol!?
BOOTH: Yes!
BRENNAN: We've been partners for three years, Booth, and you've broken protocol before - sometimes putting my life in danger. Which makes sense because you clearly don't have any real concern for me.
BOOTH: (standing up) I took a bullet for you!
BRENNAN: Once! That only goes so far (realizing that Booth is standing there, naked) Would you like a towel?
(He sinks back into the tub)
BOOTH: Fine. What is it that I should have done, Bones? Wha- what did you want me to do?
BRENNAN: Well, you could have called me. Did you really think I needed to be vetted by your boss? I mean, don't you trust me?
BOOTH: Of course I do.
BRENNAN: Then why wasn't I told. It must have been something that you said.
BOOTH: No. I don't know why you weren't told.
BRENNAN: But you - you said that I should be. I mean, aren't you curious why I wasn't?
BOOTH: Yes! Do you want me to find out why you weren't told?
BRENNAN: If it's important to you.
BOOTH: Fine. I will. The next time I die, I promise that I will tell you.
BRENNAN: I'll look forward to that.
BOOTH: Me too.
(He opens up a "Green Lantern" comic book and starts reading)
BRENNAN: What are you reading?
BOOTH: A novel. (She looks at him) It's a graphic novel.
BRENNAN: Just so you know, I find your lack of Puritan modesty very refreshing.
(Booth lowers the comic book to cover himself and Brennan leaves the room, turning the music back on as she walks out the door.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - platform)
ZACK: The marks on the mandible definitely indicate that the bones have been gnawed on.
HODGINS: But, but not with teeth.
ZACK: The markings were made by someone wearing dentures.
CAM: Well, a toothless cannibal just can't cut it in todays competitive serial killer climate. How do you know he wore dentures.
HODGINS: Zack found traces of polymethylmethacrylate monomer tetrasalisic floramicha on the mandible. (9:41)
CAM: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that's what dentures are made of.
(Cam picks up her phone and dials)ZACK: But not normal commercial dentures you get from the dentist.
HODGINS: Main ingrediant is polymethyl methacrylic.
ZACK: These dentures were homemade.
CAM: (into phone) I got our victims DNA results back.
(During the conversation, camera cuts between Booth - in the bathtub and Cam - in the lab)
BOOTH: Is it the Lobbyist?
CAM: Yup. Gormogon's last victim.
BOOTH: I was wondering when some part of him would show up.
CAM: (hears the water going down the drain) What's that sucking sound?
BOOTH: You know what? This is MY house. Okay? You come into my house there's not telling what you're gonna hear. (he hangs up abruptly. Cam wonders what that was all about.)
ZACK: Dr. Saroyan. (Cam hangs up her phone) Regarding the denture medium, if we recreate the process-
HODGINS: Could tell us a lot about Gormogon's resources.
CAM: If you want to do one of your experiments, just say it.
HODGINS & ZACK: (in unison) We want to do one of our experiments.
CAM: Go! (she points towards towards the door, smiling.) Make plastic, cannibal dentures.
(Cut to: Basement of the Jeffersonian - Sweets, Brennan and Booth are there)
SWEETS: You should place the jawbone in the skeleton.
BRENNAN: Why?
SWEETS: Cause it keeps alive an interactive relationship with the killer. That's why he provided the screws. You know, we give him something, he reciprocates. Did you see me on TV? No one has mentioned that I was on TV.
BOOTH: Alright, look. How would he know if we added the jawbone to the skeleton?
SWEETS: Well, it's his obsession. He has some way of finding out, which is another reason to do it. Okay. Both of you are purposely not mentioning my appearance.
BRENNAN: Well, for all we know, Gormogon is dead and we're not on the list of people who get to find that out.
(Brennan heads for the stairs, the guys follow)
SWEETS: There's s cry for attention.
BOOTH: Bones broke into my house last night, all angry-
BRENNAN: (talking over Booth) There was a key!
BOOTH: because no one told her that I was dead. And I was just following protocol.
SWEETS: Broke into your house?
BRENNAN: There was a key.
BOOTH: And barged into my bathroom.
SWEEETS: (laughs) What were you doing?
BRENNAN: He was drinking beer and reading a comic book.
BOOTH: I was taking a bath.
SWEETS: You read comics and drink beer naked?BOOTH: Wait a second. Bones bursts into MY bathroom, alright, and I'm weird for being naked?
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab - Hodgins and Zack are preparing for the experiment)
ZACK: This thermoplastic has a melting point of approximately 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. This would work better if we created a paste from the monomer and polymethylmethacrylate powder HODGINS: That would entail the complicated use of cosolvents to allow copolymerization without substantial phase separation. Monomers melting point is far below the polymethylmethacrylate.
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab - Booth, Brennan and Sweets are walking near the Forensics Platform)
SWEETS: So you didn't tell her to leave? You just sat there, naked?
BOOTH: It was my own bathroom, okay? What do you wear in the tub? Floaties?
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab - Hodgins and Zack are still preparing for the experiment)
HODGINS: Ready for the monomer?
ZACK: Yes. I believe so. The mold is over there on the side table.
HODGINS: Why don't you get the mold and I'll mix in the monomer?
ZACK: No. I'll mix it in. Please hand me the monomer, then the mold.
(He goes to hand Zack the monomer, but then pulls it back)
HODGINS: Since when did I become the assistant?
ZACK: Since I became the uncontested "King of the Lab".
(Hodgins hands Zack the monomer and then walks away. Zack puts the monomer into the pot - which causes an explosion. The alarms sound and Booth, Brennan and Sweets run toward its source.)
SECURITY GUARD: Move to the exits, now!(They see Hodgins on the floor)
BRENNAN: Hodgins!
HODGINS: I'm alright. I'm alright. I'm okay.
(They see Zack, his hands are still through the Plexiglas and badly burned. He's breathing heavily. Booth tries to move the debris away from him.)
BRENNAN: Oh my god. Zack?
CAM: Okay, a medical teams on it's way. Oh my - I'll get the burn kit.
BRENNAN: Is he okay?
BOOTH: He's in shock, Bones. Look at his hands.
BRENNAN: Zack? (cut to shots of them all looking at Zack, in shock) Zack.
(Cut to: Regional Medical Center - ICU- Brennan is sitting in a chair next to Zack's bed while Booth is standing behind her.)
ZACK: Is Hodgins okay?
BRENNAN: He's fine. Just a few minor cuts.
BOOTH: Yeah. Don't worry about it, Zack. Alright? We're gonna fix ya up. You're gonna be as good as new.
ZACK: That would be impossible, Agent Booth. The damage is-
BOOTH: We'll make sure we get you the best doctors.
BRENNAN: The cartilage is destroyed, Booth.
ZACK: In addition, the trapezoid and hamate on my left hand are-
BOOTH: Hey. Hey, how about a little optimism here, huh?
ZACK: I know that I can still be quite useful. Mentally, I"m still exceptional and with prosthesis-
(Hodgins enters the room, followed by Angela and Cam.)
HODGINS: Hey. How are ya, Zack?
ZACK: Quite severely injured. Are you alright?
HODGINS: I'm okay, man.
ANGELA: Hey, anything you need, Zack. Just ask.
CAM: Do you know how this happened?
ZACK: I just added the 3 grams of monomer.
HODGINS: But that doesn't make sense. There are no dipoles like amide or carbonyl in the monomer. Were there?
ZACK: No. Just simple phenylethene.
HODGIND: That's what I thought. And the PMMA was just-
BOOTH: Hodgins. He has third degree burns.
BRENNAN: The doctor said you should rest, Zack.
HODGINS: She's right. Hey. We're gonna figure this out, okay?
CAM: And you won't be alone, Zack. One of us will be here all the time.
ZACK: Well, that's not necessary.
ANGELA: Yes it is. Because we - love you. (Hodgins puts his hand on Zack's forehead) I'll take the first shift.
CAM: And I'll write us a schedule.
BRENNAN: I'll get you whatever you need to keep your job. We'll get through this.
ZACK: Thank you, Dr. Brennan.
(Brennan gets up and kisses him on the forehead, then leaves - leaving Angela and Zack alone)
(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Hodgins and Sweets are by his desk)
HODGINS: A simple monomer wouldn't explode. It just wouldn't happen.
SWEETS: Isn't the FBI handling the analysis of the explosive residue?
HODGINS: Excuse me if my faith in the bureau isn't absolute.
SWEETS: So you don't trust Agent Madison?
HODGINS: I'm just getting my own results to double check. I'm sure he's - fine - but I'm independent.
SWEETS: You suspect that there could be a conspiracy within the bureau?
HODGINS: Do I hear a little 'tude, young man?
SWEETS: No, no, no. Why would there be a conspiracy in this case? Totally 'tudeless question.HODGINS: Prominent public figures being murdered and eaten. Evidence that secret societies are being targeted - societies that have great influence in the halls of power - like the bureau.
SWEETS: You don't think that's a bit extreme.
HODGINS: You went on Larry King to talk about this case. And TMZ because you know how big it is and to get your piece of it.
SWEETS: I'm a doctor. I'm merely studying the case like you.
HODGINS: Right. (he brings up results on the computer screen) Oh, man. I should have known.
AGENT MADISON: What?
HODGINS: You expect me to tell you the answer, Agent Madison?
AGENT MADISON: It's tricyclic acetone peroxide.
HODGINS: He's not bad.
AGENT MADISON: It reacted with the molten thermal plastic and - (he makes an exploding noise) Boom.
HODGINS: The containers must have been switched. Zack thought he was adding a monomer he had made himself but it was actually a volatile explosive.
(Cut to Medico-Legal Lab. Sweets is on the phone in the hallway near Brennan's office.)
SWEETS: (into phone) Yes. I'm busy. Cancel all my patients. You don't have to tell them anything-
(Booth comes up behind Sweets and starts dragging him towards Brennan's office.)
SWEETS: What are you doing?
BOOTH: A word?
SWEETS: I'm on the phone.
BOOTH: Well, hang up.
SWEETS: (into phone) Okay, I'll talk to you later. (he hangs up and puts the phone in his pocket. Then to Booth.) Ah, tight grip you got there..
BOOTH: And it could get tighter. So go ahead. Tell her.
SWEETS: Tell her what?
BRENNAN: Tell me what?
BOOTH: Tell her now.
SWEETS: What?
BOOTH: Fine. I'll tell her. Okay? I sent my list to the bureau. They sent it to Sweets. You were the one who decided not to tell Dr. Brennan that I was still alive. He's the one that you should have slugged, so do it. Go ahead and do it now.
BRENNAN: What? You choose not to tell me?
SWEETS: Yes, it's true. Technically.
BOOTH: Technically?
SWEETS: Okay, I reviewed the list and decided, knowing Dr. Brennan as I do, that she was in fact able to handle your death.
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Slug 'em.
SWEETS: It was a National Security issue. The fewer people that knew Agent Booth was alive, the safer he would be.
BRENNAN: I think that was a good choice.
SWEETS: Awesome.
BOOTH: You do?!
BRENNAN: Yes. You knew that Booth's death was something that I could deal with because I can compartmentalize.
BOOTH: Woah. Wait a minute. Now why are you mad at me then?
BRENNAN: Because you should have told me, personally.
BOOTH: Oh, I should have just ignored National Security concerns, broken the law and told you.
BRENNAN: Yes. You know I'm very trustworthy.
BOOTH: Yeah, but Sweets...
BRENNAN: Sweets made a professional decision. He knew I could process your death and move on - which is precisely what I did.
SWEETS: That's right.
BOOTH: There's gotta be other stuff going on here, right?
SWEETS: What?
BOOTH: Transference. Uh, paranoia. Come on! I mean, when I offer her a piece of pie you say it has deeper meaning.
BRENNAN: I don't like pie, Booth.
BOOTH: Well, apple pie. She doesn't like baked pie.
BRENNAN: I don't like my fruit cooked.
SWEETS: Okay, changing the subject is a way to avoid your feelings.
BOOTH: My feelings. Okay, now you're attacking my feelings?
(Cam appears in the doorway)
CAM: Hey. There's something in the Gormogon vault I think you should see.
BOOTH: (moves past Sweets to the door - but to Brennan) Slug 'em.
SWEETS: You know, I think it's interesting, psychologically how Agent Booth's constant efforts to persuade you to enjoy fruit pie could be interpreted as a kind of seduction.
BOOTH: Whatever you two are talking about? Just stop it. Zip it. Let's go.
(Cut to: Stairs leading down to the Gormogon Vault. Brennan stops Sweets on the stairs when Booth and Cam are out of earshot.)
BRENNAN: You think I don't recognize an experiment when I see one? You experimented on us.
SWEETS: Beg your pardon.
BRENNAN: Not telling me Booth was alive? You wanted to quantify our reactions for your own research? You took advantage of us. Booth and I agreed to let you observe us. We did not agree to be used as lab rats, so you better cut it out.
SWEETS: Dr. Brennan, why are you talking so fast?
BRENNAN: Because if Booth hears why you did what you did? He'd beat ya up.
SWEETS: Don't you think that'd be an overly aggressive act?
BRENNAN: Not at all. So you better not do it again.
(They start to head down the stairs)
BOOTH: (O.S) Let's go, Bones. Where are you?
SWEETS: On our way.
(The four of them enter the vault)
CAM: Security had the entrance to this wing locked and the vault, itself, was secured.
BRENNAN: The skeleton.
BOOTH: Where'd it go?
HODGINS: We don't know. I came down to see if the screws matched the silver in the skeleton and the skeleton was gone.
SWEETS: But there are security cameras and sensors covering every inch of this place.
CAM: They all failed.
BOOTH: All of them?
CAM: When Zack's explosion set off all the alarms, every security camera in the building failed.
HODGINS: The door to the loading dock was unlocked.
BRENNAN: Someone stole the skeleton!
(Cam walks over to the computer to bring up the security footage)
CAM: Ten minutes before the explosion -
HODGINS: Everything is working perfectly.
CAM: Fast forward; Hodgins passes Zack the container of tricyclic acetone proxide..
HODGINS: I thought it was the monomer.
CAM: The explosion occurred at 12:03 and 22 seconds. At 12:03 and 22 seconds - (the screens on the computers are nothing but snow)
BOOTH: Aren't there any backup systems?
CAM: All dead too.
BRENNAN: Where were the guards?
CAM: There was a chemical accident. That takes precedence over any other security issue. All personnel went to secure the lab or went to secure any point that went to the museum proper so there'd be no loss of life.
BRENNAN: During that time, the vault and the skeleton would be unsecured.
CAM: Yes, until the security system was brought back up at 12:18 and 41 seconds. The explosion was a diversion set up by Gormogon.
BOOTH: He's here in the lab. It's an inside job. Gormogon works at the Jeffersonian.
BRENNAN: Either Gormogon or his new apprentice.
(Booth dials a number)
SWEETS: It is a totally freaky thought.
BOOTH: (into phone) Yeah, it's Booth. Listen, I need a full forensic team sent to the Jeffersonian. Mobile labs, computers, analysis - the works. No. Their equipment could be compromised.
(Cut to: Basement of the Jeffersonian - 2 hours later. Cam is walking into a room that is filled with FBI Agents. One is using body recognition software to see if anyone is out of the ordinary.)
CAM: Hair? Prints? Anything?
FBI FORENSIC TECH MARCUS GEIER: Not since you asked five minutes ago. No.
CAROLINE: Dr. Saroyan. Please don't bother the techs. You have a problem? You see me.
CAM: It's my people you suspect here. I wanna make sure your doing your job. After all, you're a prosecutor, not a forensic-
CAROLINE: You have been breathing down our necks for two hours, Cherie. Why don't you go get a latte or something. You should be here anyway.
CAM: This is my department!
CAROLINE: I know. And you have full security clearance and complete access to the lab and the vault.
CAM: Are you saying I'm a suspect now?
CAROLINE: I'm saying someones gonna put your name on the list. You were a cop. Wouldn't you?
CAM: You've got over thirty agents here. Find something.
(Cam storms off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth and Brennan are having coffee.)
BRENNAN: The Medico-Legal lab has over 100 employees.
BOOTH: Yeah, and all their records are being looked at - including yours and mine.
BRENNAN: What, you're just having coffee? Don't you want pie?
BOOTH: I'm fine.
BRENNAN: But you always have pie.
BOOTH: Can we stop talking about pie?
BRENNAN: Is it because of what Sweets said?
(Sweets enters and walks over toward their table)
BOOTH: I'm just going pie-less. Okay?
SWEETS: Can we talk for a minute? I have a profile of someone I feel could be Gormogon. (he notices Booth is only having coffee.) No pie? You always eat pie.
BOOTH: Enough with the pie, will you just sit down?
SWEETS: Alright.
BRENNAN: Whoa! You've been spying on us? More experiments?
BOOTH: What experiments?
SWEETS: I'm just being thorough. The dynamics of our work environment play a role in how I treat you and Agent Booth.
BOOTH: Okay, Sweets. Will you just get on with it? Who is it?
SWEETS: I believe it's Dr. Hodgins.
BRENNAN: What is Dr. Hodgins?
BOOTH: Gormogon. He thinks Hodgins is Gormogon.
(Brennan makes a face like she is about to protest.)
SWEETS: Hodgins exhibits clinical paranoia as well as a rationalized feeling of superiority.
BRENNAN: Paranoia.
SWEETS: Yeah. He's consumed by numerous conspiracy theories. My observations today? He's even suspect of the FBI, with whom he works closely.
BRENNAN: That's all supposition. There's not concrete evidence.
BOOTH: (to Brennan)No, no, no. (to Sweets) Go on.
BRENNAN: Booth!
BOOTH: What? Hodgins knew all about the secret societies. I mean, he figured out the patterns Gormogon used that led us to the vault.
BRENNAN: Yes. He was doing his job.
SWEETS: Or justifying himself. He had access to all the chemicals Zack was using. He could have changed the labels.
BOOTH: He and Zack are friends...
BRENNAN: I also had access to the chemicals Zack made. Why am I not a suspect?
SWEETS: Well, you have a reverence for life that belies the cold, calculations of a killer. And the emotional connection you share with Agent Booth...
BRENNAN: No. That..I - (she starts getting up) I don't have time for this. No. (she leaves)
BOOTH: (to Sweets) Don't you know by now you can't rush her?
(Booth gets up to go after her)
SWEETS: We're trying to catch a killer. I thought it best not to waste time.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Booth and Brennan are walking into Brennan's office.)
BOOTH: Look, he's just trying to help, Bones.
BRENNAN: Well, his opinions won't get you a conviction. He doesn't have any evidence.
BOOTH: Yeah, but he's a profiler with a great track record.
(Cam enters behind them)
CAM: Who?
BOOTH: Sweets.
BRENNAN: Sweets says that Hodgins is the killer.
CAM: Well, it makes sense.
BRENNAN: What?
CAM: What? Throw suspicion off him.
BOOTH: Who?
CAM: Sweets.
BOOTH: You think that Sweets is the killer?
CAM: Well, he shows up right after you find the Gormogon vault, when Gormogon's at his most vulnerable. And in therapy, he plays you two like a cheap piano until you ask for his help with the case.
BOOTH: Wait a second. Nobody plays me like a cheap piano.
CAM: No, hey! We all trusted the brilliant, young, profiler. I got him security clearance because he was gonna help us.
BRENNAN: He was here. He had the opportunity to switch Zack's chemicals.
BOOTH: Wait. Except he's not a chemist.
CAM: He's the only one we can't account for after the explosion.
BRENNAN: What? Great. Now we sound like Sweets. We have no evidence.
CAM: I was a cop for ten years, Dr. Brennan. I can smell it on him.
BRENNAN: I- I'm sorry, but we need more than your gut feeling.
CAM: Well, then find it. Cause trust me, Sweets is your boy.
(Cam leaves)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab- Cam's office. She's checking out something on her computer screen when Hodgins walks in. She notices him and jumps.)
CAM: Dr. Hodgins, knocking would be appreciated.
HODGINS: Right. Sorry. So rumor is one of us is a suspect. Who is it?
CAM: I can't say. You know that.
HODGINS: Of course not. And since it's rumor, it might not even be true. Right?
CAM: Do you have a legitimate reason to see me or are you just here to squeeze me for information?
HODGINS: I found something.
( Hodgins walks over to Cam's and starts bringing up something on her computer screen)
HODGINS: Zack said he thought the mandible had been boiled.
CAM: To remove tissue.
HODGINS: I pulled trace elements from the mandible and ran them through the mass spectrometer to see what the bone was boiled in. It was tap water. But see this spike here? (he points to the screen)
CAM: Lead?
HODGINS: Yes.
CAM: I thought the city had to replace all their lead pipes.
HODGINS: They did, but individual homeowners didn't. I focused on neighborhoods with the highest lead levels. Older homes were the worst offenders (He brings up a map. Part of it is shaded in blue) This neighborhood matches the level of lead found on the victims bone.
CAM: Isn't that your house?
HODGINS: Yes. It is. But there are other people that live in the area too.
CAM: Yes, of course. I'll pass this along to the investigators.
HODGINS: Good.
CAM: Is there anything else?
HODGINS: I could have fudged the facts. Could have left my neighborhood out.
CAM: Yes, but that would have raised suspicion if someone had double checked your results.
HODGINS: If you need me, I'll be at my station. Helping.
(Hodgins leaves)
(Cut to Royal Diner. Sweets is sitting at the counter when Booth and Brennan enter.)
SWEETS: Hey. This is a surprise.
( Booth and Brennan take a seat on either side of him)
BOOTH: Yeah. Hey, Sweets, uh, where were you after the explosion?
SWEETS: I was with you.
BRENNAN: No. You were with us when the explosion occurred.
BOOTH: I mean after.
SWEETS: Uh, let's see. I ran to call 911.
BRENNAN: Where?
SWEETS: In your office. Why?
BOOTH: Then what?SWEETS: Then I went to the door to show the EMT's where to go.
BRENNAN: Hmm, you didn't come in with them.
SWEETS: No. I find it's best to stay out of the way of the professionals in those situations. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot one thing.
BOOTH: What's that?
SWEETS: I went down to the vault and I stole the silver skeleton because, um, I'm Gormogon's apprentice.
BOOTH: That's a confession. You know, I can lock him up for 72 hours.
SWEETS: You'd lock me up for sarcasm?
BRENNAN: I - I think you should.
SWEETS: Wait. You guys actually think that I'm Gormogon's apprentice?
BOOTH: Well, somebody is. That way I can lock you up, check out your story and not worry about you running off to Bolivia.
SWEETS: This is fierce wretched.
BRENNAN: Better safe than sorry.
BOOTH: Yeah.
SWEETS: No. You're projecting, Agent Booth. You have a reasonable hostility toward Gormogon but you have no outlet for those feelings so you're using me -
BOOTH: Am I gonna have to break out my cuffs?
SWEETS: You know what? Yeah. You are gonna need your cuffs cause I'm not about to make this easy for you.
(Cut to: Regional Medical Center - ICU. Zack is asleep and Angela is sleeping in a chair next to his bed. Hodgins leans over and kisses her on the cheek - waking her up.)
ANGELA: Hi.
(He kisses her again.)
HODGINS: How is Zack?
ANGELA: Oh, he's in a lot of pain but he won't let me push the pain killer button.
HODGINS: He's scared of polka dots but screaming agony is just an interesting phenomenon.
(Angela nods in agreement)
ZACK: Drugs give me bad dreams.
HODGINS: Oh, hey there, Zack.
ZACK: I'm walking somewhere and suddenly someone takes me by the hand and I look and it's the skeleton. And the skeleton's on fire and my hands hurt.
ANGELA: Take the pain killers, sweetie.
ZACK: I've been thinking about the explosion, Hodgins. No one could have switched the chemicals. I locked up the container when I left the room. (Hodgins presses the button on the pain killers) I had the only - key. (Hodgins presses it again) You - would know but you - I'm afraid the pain killers work pleasant on my intellect.
HODGINS: Sometimes your friends gotta step in - (he presses the button one last time) Dumb it up for you.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan is sitting in her office working at her computer when Cam appears in the doorway.)
CAM: Don't you think it's time to go home?
BRENNAN: (surprised) Oh! Ah. Sorry, Cam. I seem to be a bit anxious.
CAM: Don't worry about it. It's going around. Hodgins came to talk to me and I almost jumped out of my skin. What's keeping you so late?
BRENNAN: Looking at the tissue we used for the DNA test? The victims DNA alleles and the roots were destroyed. And the mer alleles - were altered. Then, I remember, when I first looked at the jaw bone, it seemed lighter in color than I expected.
CAM: It was treated with ultraviolet light?
BRENNAN: (nodding in agreement) I think so.
CAM: Who would do that?
BRENNAN: We would. Standard procedure for skeletal remains when we put them away for storage. We have over 10,000 sets of remains waiting to be identified. What better place to hide a skeleton?
CAM: How do we sift through 10,000 sets of remains?
(Neither of them have any idea...)
(Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Modular Skeletal Storage (AKA Limbo). Brennan, Caroline and Angela are standing in front of a group of Brennan's grad students.)
ANGELA: I'd like to welcome, all of Dr. Brennan's grad students, to Limbo.
BRENNAN: Uh, it's Modular Skeletal Storage. I don't like the term "Limbo".
ANGELA: (to Brennan) Over 10,000 lost souls remain here, Sweetie. Unidentified. Waiting. It's a good name. Let's just go with it. (to the grad students) Each of these boxes contains the skeletal remains of one person.
BRENNAN: In this case: a skull, 2 femurs, 5 vertebrae, miscellaneous phalanges and 3 molars.
ANGELA: What we want you to do is conduct an inventory - making sure that what's in the box corresponds, not only to the card in the box but also to the computer record.
GRAD STUDENT #1: Does this count toward our final grade?
CAROLINE: Listen, Brennan's grad students. What we're trying to do here is catch a serial killer. Not get a gold star from Teach.
ANGELA: We think that he's hidden the remains of one or more of his victims here.
BRENNAN: Bones, tucked into boxes, where they don't belong.
ANGELA: But I think it's fair to say that if you help us catch a serial killer, that you'll pass your precious course.
BRENNAN: That - that's not necessarily true. If anyone else shows up down here indicating an interest in what you're doing - either tell Miss Montenegro or shout for security.
GRAD STUDENT #2: Why?
CAROLINE: Because serial killers get mean when you get close to catchin 'em.
(Time lapse: The grad students are working on sorting the remains that are in the boxes)
CAROLINE: This is just creepy.
BRENNAN: Well, it's the natural order of things. We all end up this way.CAROLINE: Thank you, Cherie. Now you've made it creepy and depressing.
GRAD STUDENT #1: I've found an extra femur in one of the boxes and an extra fibula in another.
BRENNAN: You sure?
GRAD STUDENT #1: The remains in the box were of a 4 year old child. The femur was from a man in his mid 40's to early 50's.
BRENNAN: And the fibula?
GRAD STUDENT #1: Also from a middle aged man. It had recently been boiled. Three other people found extra bones as well.
(A female grad student walks up behind Brennan and clears her throat slightly to make her presence known.)
GRAD STUDENT #3: I found an extra manubrium, male ulna and a humerus in a box of female remains.
BRENNAN: Okay, lay out all of the extra bones anatomically.
GRAD STUDENT #3: It's already done. Over here.
(They walk to the table where all the bones are laid out.)
BRENNAN: Nice job.
GRAD STUDENT #3: I'm third in my class.
BRENNAN: I'd like the names of the two students in front of you. (looking at the bones) 45 to 50 years old. Fibula and femur show a height of approximately 180cm.
CAROLINE: How tall is that in English?
BRENNAN: Approximately 5'8". (to the grad student) Have Dr. Saroyan take DNA samples and compare them to all of Gormogon's known victims.
(The grad student nods in agreement)
CAROLINE: You suspect something, don't you?
BRENNAN: I have no facts yet. My opinions are not relevant.
CAROLINE: Let me make the call, Cherie. Give me some of that big brain of yours.
BRENNAN: (pointing to the skull) Someone removed the mandible from the skull.
CAROLINE: It's the one that was sent to you.
BRENNAN: I can't say that with certainty. Dr. Saroyan should see if the DNA matches.
CAROLINE: (to the grad student) Didn't you hear her? Get this up to Dr. Saroyan. Now!
GRAD STUDENT #2: Dr. Brennan? I think you should take a look at this.
(Brennan and Caroline walk over to where the male grad student has many skulls lined up on a table. Brennan immediately notices something similar about all of them.)
BRENNAN: All of the canines have been removed from these skulls. Just he canines.
CAROLINE: I want the security tapes from this room for the last 6 months.
BRENNAN: This room isn't covered.
CAROLINE: Why not?
BRENNAN: It's Limbo. I - I need to re-examine the mandible Zack was working on before the explosion.
(Brennan runs out)
CAROLINE: Of course you do.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay/ Cam's Office. Caroline and Cam are looking at a picture of the lobbyist on the computer screen.)
CAM: It's the Lobbyist that disappeared. DNA's a match and so are the dentals. Dr. Brennan's gonna want to take a look at the markings on these.
CAROLINE: What's that? More cannibal teeth marks on the bone?
CAM: Gormogon went after this like Henry the 8th after a chicken leg.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensic Platform. Brennan is re-examining the mandible that was sent to her by Gormogon.)
CAM: These appear to have been gnawed on too. They'll probably match the denture markings Zack found.
BRENNAN: They won't.
CAM: You haven't looked at them yet.
BRENNAN: Zack said these markings on the mandible were made by artificial dentures made from polymethylmethacrylate and other polymers.
CAM: And?
BRENNAN: They were not made by artificial dentures. Zack should have known that.
CAROLINE: He made a mistake. It happens.
CAM: Not often.
(Brennan walks away. Caroline and Cam just look at each other, puzzled.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office. She's on her computer when Booth walks in.)
BOOTH: Hey. I heard Zack was wrong about the dentures.
BRENNAN: No.
BOOTH: What do you mean? Cam and Caroline said..
BRENNAN: He knew they weren't artificial. Any first year student would know that. (she brings up a model of the dentures with the canines in them on the screen) The dentures were made from real teeth. All canines.
BOOTH: Ugh. Woah.
BRENNAN: Canines are a symbol of the wolf which appears on the Gormogon tapestry in the vault. And certain ancient sects revere the wolf as a symbol of freedom. As a representative of the forces that will deliver us from persecution.
BOOTH: Okay, Bones. Enough about the wolf. What's going on?
BRENNAN: Zack lied.
BOOTH: Why?
BRENNAN: He - he took the teeth from bone storage and he made Gormogon's dentures.
BOOTH: Zack has complete access to the lab. He arranged for the explosion himself.
BRENNAN: It's Zack. He's the killer, Booth. It's Zack.
(Cut to: Regional Medical Center - ICU- Cam is sitting in a chair reading to Zack.)
CAM: (reading) The theory of conditional expressions is a non-profound generalization of propositional calculus.
ZACK: What's it say after "boolean forms"?
CAM: (she laughs) Well, there's a little thing that looks like a Japanese stool then a B with a tail and a fat fish. Does this makes sense to you?
ZACK: It doesn't to you?
(Cam laughs)
BOOTH: Cam. I'm gonna need the room.
(Cam turns to see Booth and Brennan in the doorway. Her face falls when she realizes why they're there. She looks back at Zack and then gets out of the chair and starts to head to the door.)
CAM: (to Booth and Brennan) I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Are you absolutely certain because-
(Booth and Brennan nod their heads, solemnly, in confirmation.)
CAM: (sighs) I did not see that coming.
(Cam leaves the room)
ZACK: You looked at the mandible.
BRENNAN: You had to know I'd see it eventually.
ZACK: I didn't foresee the extent of my injuries. I was going to sneak out of here but -
BRENNAN: Your friends never left your side.
BOOTH: And you intended to steal the jaw bone and add it to the silver skeleton.
BRENNAN: But you designed the explosion. You must have known exactly how big it would be.
ZACK: Hodgins argued with me. He stood too close. The delay allowed the thermoplastic to reach the boiling point and as a result, the explosion was three times more powerful than I calculated.
BRENNAN: You must have known how badly you'd be injured.
ZACK: Yes.
BOOTH: Who's Gormogon, Zack?
ZACK: That's not what he's called.
BOOTH: Then what is he called.
ZACK: The Master.
BRENNAN: And you're his apprentice?
BOOTH: I need a name.
ZACK: I can't tell you. The apprentice is expendable. I'm expendable.
BOOTH: Who is he?
BRENNAN: Zack responds to logic, Booth.
BOOTH: Really? Cause I'd love to hear the logic of killing and eating people to change the world.
ZACK: The Master's logic is irrefutable.
BOOTH: Irrefutable?! I saw him choking a child at the bottom of a pool.
ZACK: If you knew what I know, you'd understand. You'd be proud of me.
BRENNAN: I've always been proud of you, Zack. I've never met anyone more rational or intelligent. But there's a fault in your logic.
ZACK: With all due respect, you aren't cognizant of his logic.
BRENNAN: Assumption #1: Secret societies exist.
ZACK: Accepted. Hodgins has been explaining this to me for years.
BRENNAN: Assumption #2: The human experience is adversely affected by secret societies.
ZACK: Accepted.
BRENNAN: Assumption #3: Attacking and killing members of secret societies will have an ameliorating effect on the human experience.
ZACK: Accepted.
BRENNAN: All of your assumptions are built upon a first principle, Zack. To wit: The historical human experience, as a whole, is more important than a single person's life.
ZACK: Yes.
BRENNAN: Yet, you risked it all so you wouldn't hurt Hodgins.
(Zack lets this sink in and realizes that she is right, his logic was flawed. Brennan puts her forehead against his, as a single tear rolls down his cheek.)
ZACK: There's - You are correct. There is an inconsistency in my reasoning.
BOOTH: Bones, I need a name.
BRENNAN: We know.
ZACK: He first approached me three months ago at a symposium on burning plasma diagnostics.
BOOTH: Zack, I need to know who this guy is. I need to go get him. Now.
ZACK: I don't know his name. I've never known his name but I've been to his house. I was blind folded when he first took me there.
(As Zack narrates the directions, Booth and a team of FBI members are seen following them.)
ZACK: But I remember every turn he took and I was able to estimate his speed. So when he brought me home, I found it on a map. It's in Bedding Ridge on a street called Savoy Crescent. It's a big place, almost as big as Hodgins' house but run down. There's a flight of stairs at the back - outside. There's a blue door. It'll be locked but there's a key hidden in the crevice to the left of the door just above eye level. You will see a hallway. If he's found someone, you will smell meat cooking and that's how you'll know you're getting close. (We see a room. Lit candles are everywhere. Gormogon is in the middle of the room, sitting at a table, cutting a piece of "meat" on his plate.) One last door, and you'll have to be fast. He'll be at the bottom of an incline in the floor. (Booth and the Agents arrive in the room and see Gormogon.) He'll have a knife. He's very fast. And he's very strong.
(Gormogon bears his teeth and throws the knife at one of the FBI Agents. Booth immediately shoots him square in the chest and it sends him flying into the table. Gormogon is dead.)
(Cut to: Regional Medical Center - ICU- Caroline and other people are talking to Zack while the rest of the group stands outside the window watching.)
CAM: (she sees Booth arrive) Did you get him?
BOOTH: Got him.
BRENNAN: Who was he, Booth?
SWEETS: Nobody. Am I right? He was nobody. An invisible man, angry at history for not seeing him.
ANGELA: Yeah, for a nobody, he sure wrecked a lot of lives.
(Caroline and the others come out of Zack's room)
CAROLINE: Zack confessed to killing the Lobbyist - stabbed him in the heart.
ANGELA: He never ate anybody?
CAROLINE: No.
ANGELA: So how did this happen?
BRENNAN: Logic.
CAROLINE: No. I'm sorry, Cherie. That might cut it with you eggheads, but this happened the way this always happens: a strong personality finds a weak personality and takes advantage. I hope we fry the guy.
BOOTH: That's not gonna be necessary.
CAM: Good riddance, I say.
HODGINS: What'll happen to Zack?
CAROLINE: I cut a deal. He pleads guilty, cooperates, and we find him non compos mentis. That way, Zack is moved to a secure psychiatric facility instead of going to prison.
SWEETS: No, that won't stand up. Zack isn't actually insane.
(Booth grabs Sweets arm and pulls him away from the group)
SWEETS: What?
BOOTH: Sweets? You're gonna give this one to Bones. You understand?
SWEETS: I understand.
BOOTH: Good.
(He pats him on the shoulder and they head back to join the group. Brennan places her hand and head against the window as the rest of the group is with her, looking in on Zack.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Lounge Area. Everyone is sitting around the table. Hodgins places a box on it.)
BOOTH: Probably could have spent more time with Zack. You know, get him to see the world a bit more.
HODGINS: All those things I say about secret societies and conspiracy's, I never knew he was listening.
ANGELA: I should have gotten him a girlfriend.
CAM: Ugh. You know what? The hell with Zack. He's an adult, he made his choices. People are who they are. There is nothing any of us could have done for the guy.
BRENNAN: We love Zack, Cam.
CAM: Yeah, well he killed someone. He deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life.
SWEETS: I feel I must point out that what Dr. Saroyan just said is obviously her way of handling grief. She doesn't mean it. Quite the opposite, in fact.
CAM: I knew the day I met Zack, he'd cause me pain.
(After a few moments of silence, Booth gets up to try to break the ice.)
BOOTH: So, what do ya got there, Hodgins?
HODGINS: (looking into the box) This is, uh, Zack's favorite stuff.
ANGELA: Well, what are we gonna do with it.
CAM: Where he's going, they might actually let him have it.
(As items are pulled out and commented on, Brennan is watching but something is obviously bothering her. Booth pulls out a harmonica then Cam pulls out a trophy that says, "Zack Addy - King of the Lab")
CAM: Oh, I got him that.
HODGINS: Yeah, thanks. He waved that in my face every day. (taking a book out of the box) Pocket Kama Sutra. I gave him this so he'd stop asking Booth s*x questions.
(Booth plays the harmonica.)
BOOTH: Got Zack this before he went to Iraq.
ANGELA: (pulling out a piece of paper) Hey, I drew this for him.
(It's a place mat with a caricature of Zack. It says "ZACK "King of the Lab")
(Booth pulls a letter out of the box)
SWEETS: It's interesting that all of his favorite things are objects you people gave to him.
BRENNAN: I never gave him anything.
ANGELA: Brennan, he totally loved you. I mean, as much as he was capable.
BRENNAN: (getting up) But I never gave him anything.
(She leaves and Angela starts after her until...)
BOOTH: Angela.
(Booth then follows after Brennan who is sitting on the stairs, head in her hands, when he finally catches up to her. He sits down next to her and starts reading the letter that he had pulled out of the box earlier.)
BOOTH: (reading from the letter) "Dear Mr. Addy. It is my pleasure to offer you the post of my intern in Forensic Anthropology. I choose you from hundreds of applicants because of your knowledge, your desire to learn and because I feel you will find a home here." (he sets the letter in the envelope) I think you gave him something great, Bones.
(Booth hands her the letter. She takes it and then places her head on his shoulder. He places his head against hers as the screen fades to black.)
END.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.]
Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
Chandler: Or... Dick.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?
Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.
Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?
Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants)
Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!
Chandler: No!!
Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.)
Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.
Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.)
Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?
Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a...
Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned)
Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.
Ross: Ahhh.
Joey: Yeah, right.
(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]
Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage)
Vince: Good deal.
Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Hey!
Vince: Hey!
Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.
Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?
Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.
Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.
Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.
Chandler: You're right, I know.
Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)
Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)
Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.
Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.
Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.
Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler.
Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?
Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi!
(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)
Joey: (going over to him) Well?!
Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign.
Joey: Well what is it?!
Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.
Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.
Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.
Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!
[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]
Monica: Pete's breaking up with me.
All: What?!
Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.
Rachel: And?
Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad.
Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.
Monica: Really?!
Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]
Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.
Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God!
Jason: Whoa!
Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!
Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!
Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!
Jason: No, no?
Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here!
Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!
Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away)
[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]
Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?
Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple.
Ross: No?
Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.
Ross: Well then, what is it?!
Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton!
Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]
Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.
Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.
Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) ...and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.
Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?
Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.
Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.
Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?
Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles)
Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.
Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.
[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]
Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!!
Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped.
(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)
All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased)
[Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.]
Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.
Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.
Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.
Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.
Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.
Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.
Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)
Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)
Monica: I guess that's how.
Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going.
Monica: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the plants.
Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel.
Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!
Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.
All: (standing up) Hey Pete.
Joey: Hi, how ya doing?
Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news.
Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me.
Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.
Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.
Pete: Okay, I love you.
Monica: I love you.
All: I love you, love you.
Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news.
Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is?
Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?
[pause]
Monica: Oh my.
Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!
Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!
(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)
Pete's Mom: Hello.
Monica: And that's Pete's Mom.
(The gang quickly hides again.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete's.]
Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it.
Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose.
Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing.
Monica: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy.
Ross: Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into this.
Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!
(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)
Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.
Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?
Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!
All: Good luck!
(pause)
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.
[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]
Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?
Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!
Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station's have)
Phoebe: Wow! I didn't know you guys actually used those.
Vince: So, what's up?
Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.
Phoebe: I'm sorry.
Vince: No-no it's okay. It's just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and... (starts choking up) That there's so much in me I have to share with you yet.
Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn't...
Vince: (starting to cry) I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)
Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]
Phoebe: (to Ross) I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.
Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory.
Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.
Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist's card and leaves.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist.
Monica: Brides magazines?
Rachel: Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing.
Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed, and it's totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn't mean I can't. Right? I mean I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.
Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)
Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)
Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?
Rachel: You didn't break up with that fireman?
Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
Rachel: Wow!
Phoebe: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?
Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so's Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So... It's really just about the math.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Jason's apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]
Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?
Jason: Yeah, come on in.
(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)
Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?
Phoebe: Nah-ha!
[Scene: Phoebe's Herbal Guy's office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]
Guru Saj: You must be Ross.
Ross: Hi.
Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)
Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I've-I've never been to a guru before, so...
Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis!
Ross: What's a koondis?
Guru Saj: I don't know, what's a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I've got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.
Ross: I guess it's worth a try.
Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results-Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off)
Ross: What?! What?!
Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.
Ross: We?! We angered it?!
Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a 'What?' look) Love.
Ross: Oh God!
Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to...
Ross: Ow!!
Guru Saj: Oops.
Ross: What was, what was that?
Guru Saj: Well it's gone.
Ross: What?! How's that?
Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.
Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)
[Scene: Pete's apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]
Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they're too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.)
Monica: Ooh, nice.
Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.
Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.
Pete: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life...
Monica: Yeah?
Pete: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.
Monica: Wow.
Pete: There's one thing missing.
Monica: What's that?
Pete: It's time for me to conquer the physical world.
Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)
Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Monica: You wanna what?!
Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!
Monica: What are you talking about?
Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed.
Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.
Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?
Monica: My parents will be so happy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's singing, Vince is also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear..." (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.
(They all applaud her.)
Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was...
Phoebe: Hey!
Jason: I was passin' by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it's kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her)
Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What's going on here? Who is this guy?
Phoebe: I don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!
Vince: What?!
Jason: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible.
Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.
Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.
Phoebe: Really?!
Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh.
Vince: You haven't?
Jason: You have?
Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)
Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?!
Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.
Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out)
Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could've been really awkward.
Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park?
Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you.
Vince: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Guru Saj's office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.]
Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything's gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?
Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That's supposed to be a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do?
Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?
(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)