Rebekah (voiceover): My brothers and I are the first vampires in history, the Originals. Three hundred years ago, we called New Orleans home. Now, we've returned, drawn by a witch who seeks to use my brother Klaus' unborn child as leverage in a brewing war. But his quest for power has turned brother against brother, leaving our family more divided than ever. Now that Elijah has returned, can our family unite to face this new threat?
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Klaus and Elijah sit opposite each other in the living room, both reading. Klaus is reading "A Poison Tree" by William Blake, and Elijah is reading one of his mother's grimoires. A dead girl lays on the coffee table as they listen to classical music. After a moment, Rebekah enters]
Rebekah: So, this is what you do the first time we're back together as a family? Vampire book club?
Klaus: [continues reading] Reading edifies the mind, sister. Isn't that right, Elijah?
Elijah: Yes, that's quite right, Niklaus.
Rebekah: And what's this business? [gestures to the dead girl on the table]
Elijah: This is a...[gestures as though he's searching for a word]...peace offering.
Klaus: I presumed, after so much time desiccating in a coffin, that my big brother might be a bit peckish.
Elijah: And I explained to my little brother, that forgiveness cannot be bought. I'd simply prefer to see a change in behavior that indicates contrition, and personal growth.
[Klaus rolls his eyes guiltily, and Elijah gestures to the girl]
Elijah: Not this nonsense.
Klaus: Well, I couldn't very well let her go to waste, could I? [grins]
Rebekah: Well, I suppose I'll go fetch the rubbish bin, because she's staining a two hundred-year-old carpet.
[Elijah looks up from his book to see the girl bleeding out onto the table, where the blood drips onto the floor]
Elijah: Ah, yes.
Klaus (voiceover): [recites "A Poison Tree" by William Blake]
I was angry with my friend:
[Klaus looks at Elijah]
I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe:
[Marcel walks into the Palace Royale Hotel, looking for Klaus]
I told it not, my wrath did grow And I watered it in fears,
[Cami brings flowers to her brother's grave, to find that someone spray painted "MURDERER" over the headstone]
Night and morning with my tears; And I sunned it with smiles,
[Father Kieran pulls wooden boards off the windows of the church, and waves to a group of men standing outside the door]
And with soft deceitful wiles. And it grew both day and night,
[Klaus looks at Elijah, and then to Hayley, who walks through the room, her hand on her pregnant belly]
'Til it bore an apple bright. And my foe beheld it shine. And he knew that it was mine, And into my garden stole
[Klaus watches Elijah set down the grimoire and follow Hayley into the kitchen]
When the night had veiled the pole; In the morning glad I see My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
[In the kitchen, Elijah finds Hayley making herself breakfast, and rooting through the fridge. Elijah leans in the doorway]
Elijah: [smiles] Good morning.
Hayley: [smiles] Hey.
[Rebekah enters through the back door, dragging a trashcan behind her]
Hayley: Listen, I know I'm the only one in this house that actually drinks milk, but would it kill any of you to make sure it's on the grocery list?
Rebekah: Speaking of, add bleach. [stomps through the kitchen and into the living room to clean up the mess]
Elijah: [digs around in a cupboard as Hayley pulls ice cream out of the freezer] You know, I do hope my siblings were hospitable to you, in my absence.
Hayley: In your absence, as you like to call it, which is a way-too-polite way of saying that your brother put a dagger in your heart...[looks up to see Elijah bringing a bowl, a spoon, and a bag of cereal to the counter] I have been attacked by French Quarter vampires, I've had to live in a house with a secret dungeon full of coffins, and I was nearly murdered by witches who are convinced my baby is Lucifer.
[Elijah smiles sympathetically as he pulls orange juice and milk out of the fridge, pours Hayley a bowl of cereal, and then fills it with milk]
Hayley: [notices the milk] Oh...milk. [beat] They've been fine. Your siblings are weirdly protective, I know I have you to thank for that.
Elijah: I'm just happy to see that you're in one piece. [smiles] So, back to the murderous witches. [hands her the bowl of cereal] I have some concerns.
Hayley: They're evil. And, my life is still magically linked to Sophie Deveraux, which is not comforting.
Elijah: Yes, I think it's time we took care of that little problem.
Rebekah: I am all for it. As soon as they're unlinked, we get to leave this crap town. [drags the dead girl's body across the kitchen floor] Who do we have to kill?
Elijah: [thinking] Probably no one.
[Hayley looks at him questioningly]
Elijah: Alright, potentially everyone. [turns to leave]
TITLE AND OPENING CREDITS
ROUSSEAU'S
[Sophie chops up vegetables and talks to Sabine, who is sitting on one of the tables]
Sophie: [gestures to table and makes a face] I cook on that, you know!
Sabine: Don't get cranky with me! I'm the only witch who still likes you.
Sophie: [stirs gumbo] Yeah, it's not like I'm trying to save the witch heritage or anything. [turns to Sabine]
Sabine: They'll come around. They're just old-school, and scared.
Sophie: Scared of what? Your prophecy about the hybrid baby? Agnes and her freak-show minions had a real field day with that one.
Sabine: I can't help what I see, Soph. [shakes head]
Sophie: [smiles] Well, if you're psychic, I'm Martha Stewart! [walks toward table to grab some celery] Scootch!
[Sophie returns to her table, and Sabine hops down to join her. She sees a shadow in her peripheral vision and gets suspicious. Suddenly, two people in black masks come out]
Sabine: What the...?
[One of the masked people backhands Sabine across the face, and she as she falls, she hits her head on the table and falls unconsious. Sophie tries to fight the other two masked people off, but they blow some powder in her face that makes her pass out as well]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Rebekah scrubs at the bloodstains in the carpet as Klaus continues to read "A Poison Tree."]
Rebekah: Poetry about poisoned apples from dead trees. Looks like someone's worried about impending daddyhood.
Klaus: [shakes head] Nonsense. Elijah's back. In his presence, all problems turn to pixie-dust and float away!
[Rebekah side-eyes him and grins, and Klaus grins back. Elijah joins them in the living room]
Elijah: Strange, I don't recall any pixie-dust from the darkness of the coffin I was recently forced to endure.
[Elijah opens Esther's grimoire and flips through it]
Rebekah: What are you doing with Mother's spellbook?
Elijah: Well, in exchange for my freedom, I promised the witch Davina that I would share a few pages from Mother's grimoire. To help her learn to control her magic. I thought we'd begin with a little unlinking spell.
[Rebekah and Klaus look at each other in confusion]
Rebekah: [stunned] Wait, you want to use her to unlink Hayley from Sophie Deveraux?
Elijah: Sophie brought us here under false pretenses! She doesn't just want us to take down Marcel and his minions, she wants to take Davina back. So, she yolked her own cause to ours, with magic threats and half-truths! Well, no more. As of now, our deal with Sophie Deveraux is null and void.
[Klaus and Rebekah grin]
Elijah: Niklaus, I need you to come with me. I need five minutes alone with Davina, you need to make certain that I am not interrupted. [points to Rebekah and thinks for a moment] You stay here and watch Hayley.
Rebekah: How did I get elected super-nanny?
Klaus: More importantly, who put him in charge? [follows Elijah out of the room]
NIGHTWALKER BAR
[Marcel sits alone, drinking a bottle of scotch, as various vampires around him feed on humans at the tables around him. Josh sees Marcel, and approaches him]
Josh: Hey. Is everything okay?
[Marcel gives him a look]
Josh: Uh, can I get you something?
Marcel: Look, I know you want a daylight ring, kid. Little heads up? I got guys eighty years ahead of you.
Josh: [nods nervously] Noted. Sorry.
Marcel: [watches him walk away] Wait! You know Klaus Mikaelson. I asked you to give him a lift home a couple of times? To the Palace Royale Hotel, right?
Josh: [stammers] Uhhh, yeah...the Palace Royale.
Marcel: See, I stopped by his hotel, to say sorry about an argument we had. Turns out he lied about living there. Lied! Do you ever hear the phrase, "Uneasy is the head that wears the crown?"
Josh: Uhhh...Lord of the Rings?
Marcel: No, Shakespeare. When I was a kid, Klaus taught me how to read with those plays. All about a king who gained the world, but lost his soul. But now, I get it! You see, when it's all said and done, and you look around at the empire you built, the only thing that matters is who you can trust!
Josh: There's gotta be somebody, somewhere that you can trust? "To stick to you, through thick and thin, to the bitter end." Sam and Frodo, The Fellowship of the Ring. [shrugs]
Marcel: [nods slowly] Yeah, there is someone. We used to be best friends. [pats Josh on the arm as he leaves]
DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM
Davina is sketching with charcoal on her easel when Elijah arrives and leans against the doorway and knocks on the door. Davina smiles]
Elijah: [holds up pages of grimoire in a cloth] I made you a promise.
Davina: [smiles] Come in!
ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH
[Cami sits in the confession room with Father Kieran]
Cami: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been...oh, a year, since I've had a good conversation with you.
Kieran: Camille.
Cami: You've been avoiding me, Uncle K.
Kieran: My favorite niece? Never!
Cami: Don't lie. This is a church! [beat] Besides, I came about professional advice. [beat] About Sean.
DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM
[Davina spreads a page of Esther's grimoire on her table]
Davina: It's a spell of unknotting?
Elijah: This is a sanguinum knot. The witches use it as representational magic. If you can unknot this using that spell, you will have taken a step towards learning control. This is one of my mother's later spells. It requires much more power than you realize. Now, if you can perform this, then I shall return with another page. [walks toward the door, then turns back to her] A spell of your choosing, next time. [smiles, then leaves]
ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH
[Cami and Father Kieran are still in the confessional]
Cami: I guess since I'm a masochist, I went by Sean's grave today and--
Kieran: Damn it, I was hoping to get that cleaned up before you saw it. I hope it didn't upset you too much.
Cami: It didn't bother me at all. That's the problem. That's why I'm here. I slept like a baby every night this week. Even though my brother hacked nine priests to death, not two feet from this confessional. [beat] A guy I've been seeing, Marcel, has been blowing me off. Whatever, I've been on two dates with the guy, and I'm more upset about THAT than seeing "MURDERER" scrawled across my brother's grave.
Kieran: [hesitates] It's called healing, Cami.
Cami: For months, after the massacre, I couldn't think of anything else. And then suddenly...nothing. I need to feel that pain! Without it, I feel...broken! Empty! Like, there's someone to blame...and...I'm letting them get away with it.
Kieran: Listen, if you have found a way to turn it off, don't question it! The only person that is responsible for Sean's behavior is...Sean.
Cami: Do you really believe that?
Kieran: Yes. I do.
[Cami stares at her uncle through the screen for a moment, before she gets up and walks out of the church. Kieran sighs. Up in the balcony, Klaus watches Cami leave, and frowns]
LAFAYETTE CEMETERY MAUSOLEUM
[Sophie is awake now, and struggling against the grips of the masked people who knocked her out. The masked people shackle Sophie to chains hanging from the ceiling]
Sophie: Let go of me!
[Agnes enters with a bag and sets it on a table]
Agnes: Leave her be.
Sophie: Killing me to get to Klaus, or his baby is not the answer!
Agnes: [roots through her bag] I'm not gonna kill you Sophie, I was there the day you were born. I am the last remaining Elder of our coven. It is my duty to protect our power, and our power means nothing if that baby grows another day. [turns to face Sophie] Sabine's omen was clear. That baby will bring death to us all.
Sophie: [scared] What are you gonna do?
[Agnes holds up a large, old-looking metal syringe with a long needle]
Sophie: [terrified] No, no, Agnes, no. No, no, don't!
[Agnes holds Sophie's head down and stabs the needle into her neck]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[In her bedroom, Hayley yells in pain as she grasps her neck. When she pulls her hand away, she notices blood on her fingers. Rebekah hears her shout, and walks in]
Hayley: AHH!
Rebekah: What the hell was that?
Hayley: Hell if I know, it felt like I was being stabbed.
[Hayley and Rebekah get a dawning realization that something bad is happening]
ROUSSEAU'S
[Elijah and Klaus find Sabine on the floor of the kitchen and Elijah helps her up]
Elijah: [gruffly] What happened?
Sabine: It was Agnes. [rubs head as she looks around] Her men took Sophie.
Klaus: Day one with you in charge, brother, and already the witch linked to Hayley has been abducted by zealots.
Elijah: [to Sabine] Where is she?
Sabine: If I tell you where Agnes is, you'll just kill her.
Klaus: Isn't that obvious?
Sabine: Look, I know she's a little...coo-coo, but she's our last living Elder. That might not mean a lot to you, but it means plenty to us. The Elders are the one ones who can do important spells.
Elijah: Like completing the Harvest ritual?
Sabine: [confused] You know about that?
Elijah: Oh, you'd be astounded by the things I know.
Klaus: [to Sabine] Allow me to entertain you with today's list of priorities. One, unlink your friend Sophie so she no longer controls the fate of the woman carrying my child. Two, convince my brother to accept my heartfelt apologies for some recently dodgy behavior. Three...there is no three.
Elijah: I believe what my brother is attempting to communicate, here, is that neither the life of this Elder, nor the Harvest ritual, nor your coven's connection to magic are of any relevance to him, whatsoever. [beat] Now talk.
THE GARDEN
[Marcel walks through the gate to the Garden, and approaches Thierry's "cell" amid the groans of pain of the other "inmates."]
Marcel: Thierry.
Thierry: [weak and groggy] Marcel. Come to punish me again?
Marcel: Someone asked if there was anyone I ever trusted. I only came up with one name. You. So, Thierry, you and I are gonna have a little talk about Klaus Mikaelson. [grabs a sledgehammer and starts to break down the wall of bricks surrounding Thierry]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Rebekah enters a room where Hayley is sitting in an armchair]
Rebekah: Time for the demon spawn to snack!
Hayley: I really wish you wouldn't call her that.
Rebekah: Oh, sorry, have you picked another name yet? [holds out basket of fruit] Take one, the plantation's lousy with them.
[Hayley chooses an apple and grasps it in her hand]
Hayley: I feel fine...which is weird. I'm sure it's Sophie-related.
Rebekah: Then, do me a favor, and don't die on my watch! I'll never hear the end of it.
Hayley: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch.
Rebekah: [smiles] What changed your mind?
Hayley: Oh, I still think you're a bitch! [smiles] I've just grown to like that about you.
Rebekah: [chuckles] Aw, well, that's sweet of you to say. [face turns serious] Remember it when I'm gone.
Hayley: Gone? Where are you going?
Rebekah: I only came to town to make sure everything was okay with Elijah. He's fine, and he hasn't punished Klaus for daggering him, so...as usual, they'll be thick as thieves, and I'll be left to clean up the mess. [beat] It's time for me to fly the coop.
Hayley: Oh...[goes to bite the apple, but then starts to feel woozy]
Rebekah: [frowns] What's wrong?
Hayley: [shakes head] I dunno, probably morning sickness...
Rebekah: [places hand on Hayley's forehead] Oh, you're burning up, actually.
LAFAYETTE CEMETERY
[Klaus and Elijah have found Sophie, and they break Sophie free from her chains]
Sophie: [groans in pain as shackles break] Agnes stuck me with a needle. Cursed objects were created a long time ago. We use them so we don't get busted by Marcel for doing magic. The one she used is called the Needle of Sorrows. It was cursed in 1860 when...
Klaus: Jump ahead a few decades and tell us what it does, love?
Sophie: It has only one purpose: to kill a child in utero by raising her blood temperature.
[Klaus and Elijah are both stunned and furious]
Elijah: It's for a miscarriage.
[Sophie nods]
Elijah: So, how much time do we have to fix this?
Sophie: It will do what it's meant to by tonight's high tide. And believe me, it will work. I saw her use a similar object on a kid who went mad and killed a bunch of priests.
Klaus: I'd like to have a chat with this Agnes. Where can I find her?
Sophie: You won't! There are a thousand places she could hole up to wait it out.
Elijah: That's precisely why we need to unlink you from Hayley. No more danger toward her or the child.
Sophie: [shakes head in confusion] No, what? If I am not linked to Hayley, I lose my leverage on you. We had a deal!
Elijah: We are not on the same side, Sophie Deveraux. Our deal no longer stands!
[Sophie is outraged]
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE GARDEN
[Marcel hands Thierry, who is sitting on a step, a canteen of blood, and sits down beside him]
Thierry: Does this mean you're pardoning me?
Marcel: Aw, you know I can't do that. You broke my number one rule, you killed a vampire, T. I let that go, it'll make me look weak.
Thierry: [chugs blood] I warned you about Klaus.
Marcel: Yeah, I should've listened. This guy's been in my town for months, but hiding where he lays his head at night. What else is he hiding, is what I want to know! I didn't listen to you before, but I sure as hell am now. Tell me what happened the night that got you put in here, and you might find yourself out by Mardi Gras.
Thierry: The night of the Masquerade Party, you sent us rousting in the Cauldron to mess with the witches. So, when Max came in rousting, he went straight for Katie's throat. Now, you said to roust, you didn't say to kill. Now, he's a nightwalker. I'm a daywalker. I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. So I stopped him. That night's on endless loop in my head. I think Max was compelled.
Marcel: No. All my guys are on vervain.
Thierry: Not if Klaus drained him! Max went missing for a couple days before the rousting, right?
Marcel: T, they found stuff you and your girl stole from me in her shop.
Thierry: Have you ever been in the Jardin Gris? You can't find your own hand in front of your face in there! And yet somehow, someone went in there, and after a couple minutes, found some stolen goods?
[Marcel wipes at his face anxiously, but he is obviously considering Thierry's words]
Thierry: Go there! See for yourself! But I'm telling you, besides Max, somebody else in the crew had to be compelled. Watch your back. [takes another swig from the canteen]
ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH
[Father Kieran has put up a "Substance Abuse Anonymous" sign in order to meet with some city officials]
Mayor: So, a few tourists go missing. Okay, we can spin it, no problem. But do you know how hard it is to sell a gas leak story to the city council when a bunch of church windows magically explode?
Father Kieran: Mr. Mayor, what is this, an electoral debate? Marcel overstepped, I will handle it.
[Klaus enters through front doors]
Klaus: Easier said than done. Marcel is quite the little warrior.
[Police officer tries to stop him, but Klaus breaks his fingers]
Mayor: Who the hell are you?
Klaus: My name is Klaus. And you lot are the Faction. Pillars of the community who maintain the city's supernatural balance. Well, I should know. I created this group. Only, in my day, it was a bunch of pirates and corrupt politicians. [looks around at all the men] Looks like nothing's changed.
Kieran: One thing has: it's exclusively human now. No vampires allowed, especially no Originals.
Klaus: [laughs] I haven't come to join! I've come to ask this group to utilize it's considerable resources to find a witch Elder called Agnes. All I need is an address.
Kieran: And, uh, why would we want to help you?
Klaus: What if I told you that Agnes was the answer to a question you've been asking since you ran screaming from this town? That she is the witch who hexed your nephew, Sean?
Kieran: We'd need some time to discuss--
Klaus: I DON'T. HAVE. TIME.
[Kieran chuckles]
Klaus: Nor do I like being asked to wait.
Kieran: You may have all the vampires in this town cowering in fear, but right now, you are dealing with the humans. And unless you plan on killing all of us, I politely suggest you do as I say, and give us time to discuss it. [gestures widely to the other men in the room]
Klaus: [leans in and lowers voice] You know what I like about you, Father? Is you're aware of our reputation, and yet still, you stand tall against me. [beat] Admirable! You have one hour. [turns to leave]
Kieran: [speaks once Klaus is gone] I want that witch. Cell phone records, our guys in the 9th.
Mayor: For the vampire?
Kieran: [sighs] No. For me.
DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM
[Davina continues to work on the unlinking spell Elijah gave her. She holds her hands over the knot and reads from the page]
Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares coldate sangorium.
[Davina stares at the knot, which doesn't change. She exhales in frustration and runs her hand through her hair before angrily hitting her easel]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Hayley lays in bed as Rebekah blots sweat from her forehead and chest]
Rebekah: Stop fussing, will you? Elijah will be here any minute.
Hayley: I feel like I've been microwaved.
Rebekah: Hey! Just because you're carrying a baby, doesn't mean you get to act like one! I'm sure my little niece is healing you up as we speak.
[Elijah runs in with Sophie. Rebekah stands to greet them]
Rebekah: What the hell is she doing here?
Sophie: [sighs] I'm trying to help.
Rebekah: Help? You're the reason we're in this bloody mess! Why aren't we unlinked with this witch already, Elijah?
Elijah: Rebekah, let her do what she can.
Sophie: I may know a way to slow the fever down. But, I'm gonna need some special herbs. [to Rebekah] I'll text you a list.
[Elijah nods at her in encouragement, and she finally relents]
Rebekah: [smiles patronizingly] Fine. Happy to play the fetch girl.
[Rebekah stomps out of the room, and shoves the towel she was using into Elijah's chest as she leaves]
JARDIN GRIN VOODOO SHOP
[Rebekah frantically rifles through bottles and jars, looking for the herbs she needs to help Hayley, when Marcel walks in]
Marcel: Isn't this Katie's shop?
[Rebekah stops, rolls her eyes, and sighs as she goes back to looking for the herbs]
Marcel: She leave you the keys in her will, or maybe it's just Help-Yourself Tuesday? [beat] What are you doing here?
Rebekah: You know, I read if you mix mugwort with sage, you've got quite a vampire-repellant? Wards off even the most resilient pest. Why are you here?
Marcel: Just keeping my city safe from thieves and vandals. But, everytime I turn around, I catch an Original with their hand in the cookie jar!
Rebekah: Well, luckily for you, your "cookies" are the last thing on my mind.
Marcel: Oh, I can see that! [walks toward her] Though, I can think of a time when things were different.
Rebekah: Maybe once. Not anymore. [finds the herbs she needs] Camphor, found it! [quickly exits the shop]
ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH
[Father Kieran receives a text message from Chief Sullivan that reads, "3631 CHARBONNET ST. LOWER 9TH WARD." He puts his phone in his pocket and goes to leave, but he's stopped by Klaus]
Klaus: Going somewhere?
Father Kieran: [nervously] You're early.
Klaus: Well, it's a good thing I am. You seem hell-bent on enacting vengeance all on your lonesome. The trouble is, I need something from Agnes before you send her off to meet her maker. So, I propose we strike a deal! [sits down in a pew] Bring her here! In exchange, I'll even ensure your niece, Cami, remains safe. Oh, I'd so hate for her to get caught up in all of this.
[Later, Agnes is handcuffed and brought to the church by police officers]
Agnes: This is outrageous! What is the charge?
[The officers sit her in a pew and leave]
Kieran: Please, Agnes. You know that Marcel runs the vampires in this town.
[He is handed a folded cloth by the officer, which is revealed to hold the Needle of Sorrows]
Kieran: Who do you think runs everything else? [holds the needle up and calls out to Klaus] I believe this is what you were looking for?
Klaus: [zooms to Kieran's side] Hello, Agnes.
Agnes: You made a deal with HIM?
Kieran: After what you did to Sean, I'd deal with the devil himself just to make you suffer!
Agnes: [stands up and gets in Kieran's face] You can't hurt me, the entire witch community will turn against you!
Klaus: ENOUGH! Please, enough! I don't care about witch politics. I don't care about your ridiculous little Harvest ritual. What I care about is this trinket. [holds up Needle of Sorrows] Undo its curse, or I'll show you things worse than death!
Agnes: [smirks] Dark objects don't come with an off-switch! The curse took root in Sophie, she's linked to your devil child. It's just a matter of time!
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Hayley is wrapped in a towel, sitting outside beside the swimming pool. Rebekah stands behind her, checking her temperature, while Elijah assists Sophie in helping with the herbs]
Elijah: [removes his coat] She's burning up! We need to do this now.
Sophie: Get her in the water!
[Elijah jumps into the pool and helps Hayley in. Sophie mixes herbs in a cup and follows them in]
Rebekah: I don't see how a midnight swim is supposed to help.
Sophie: Her temperature is sky-high. The water, with the help of the herbs, should cool us down. [gets into the pool and hands Hayley a drink] Drink this! [to Elijah] You're going to have to get her heart rate down.
Elijah: How do you suggest I do that?
Sophie: Hold her. It's a natural human remedy to slow the heart rate and reduce blood pressure.
Rebekah: This is never gonna work.
Elijah: [holding Hayley bridal-style in the pool] Davina will break the link, we just need time.
[Hayley clings to Elijah and groans as she gasps for breath]
DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM / MIKAELSON MANSION SWIMMING POOL
[Davina is sitting on her bed, studying the spell intently. She stares at the sanguinum knot on her vanity, and after a moment, she stands up and walks over to it. She picks up the knot with both hands and takes a breath]
Davina: [whispers] Phesmatos omnio legares cardate...
[In the swimming pool, Hayley hyperventilates]
Hayley: I can't breathe!
Elijah: Okay, long deep breaths, Hayley! Look at me. Long deep breaths, just focus on the sound of my voice. [whispers] You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares cardate sangorium.
[The clock on her table chimes as it hits 09:00PM]
Hayley: AHHHH! AHHHH!
[The knot in Davina's hands floats in the air and begins to unknot itself]
[Sophie starts to gasp as the linking spell begins to lift. Hayley continues to groan in pain]
[The knot completely unravels itself in midair, and Davina smiles and giggles in happiness]
Sophie: [looks up at the sky] I just felt it lift.
[Rebekah sighs in relief. Hayley starts to calm down, and Elijah looks stunned. Hayley stands up on her own, but still leans against Elijah. Sophie removes one of her earrings and pokes her palm with it. Hayley doesn't get injured. Elijah holds her hand and he and Hayley stare at each other. Rebekah notices their shared moment, so Elijah quickly lets go and leads Hayley out of the pool]
Elijah: Come on, let's go.
Sophie: Elijah...as soon as your brother finds out that the link is broken, he'll kill Agnes. I know you don't owe me anything, but please, don't let him kill her.
[Elijah zooms out of the pool and pulls his phone out of his jacket on the table]
Sophie: Elijah! She's our only access to the power we NEED to survive. Promise me that you'll stop him!
Elijah: [dials a number into his phone and raises it to his ear] It's me, where are you? [beat] Don't hurt her. I'll be there shortly. [hangs up and turns to Sophie] I'll make you one last promise. I won't let my brother kill Agnes.
[Sophie nods at him, and Elijah picks up his jacket and shoes and walks away. Sophie and Hayley turn to get out of the pool, but Hayley stops Sophie at the steps]
Hayley: I know you were just using me to save your people, but try it again, and I'll kill you.
[Hayley leaves, and Sophie sighs in defeat]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Rebekah walks into Elijah's bedroom as he's finishing getting dressed in dry clothes, and stands in the doorway]
Rebekah: [smiles] The unlinking worked! Maybe now we can make plans--
Elijah: Not now, Rebekah. Can we discuss this when I return? [walks toward the door in a hurry]
Rebekah: [face turns serious] I won't be here when you return.
Elijah: [stops walking and turns to Rebekah] That sounds like a goodbye.
Rebekah: ...I guess it is. I only came to New Orleans to make sure you were safe. You are. I thought that I might be able to convince you to come with me, but here you are, rushing into whatever Klaus and Marcel and the witches have cooked up. And I finally get it. [tears up] You'll never leave this city. You'll never leave Klaus.
Elijah: [looks at her, and then walks toward her] Then you should stay.
Rebekah: [shakes head] This thing that you and Klaus and Marcel have, I want no part of it. [tears fall down her cheeks] I just want to be free.
Elijah: [sadly] Well, then, go. [kisses her on the cheek] You are free!
[Elijah leaves, and Rebekah tries to compose herself]
THE ABBATOIR
[Marcel finishes his drink as Rebekah walks into the room]
Marcel: Rebekah. Twice in one night. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Rebekah: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe farewells are best in person.
Marcel: [inhales sharply] You got Elijah back, and now you two are gonna tuck-tail and run? Smart girl. [beat] Have a nice life.
Rebekah: He's staying. And I'm not running, I'm disembarking a sinking ship.
Marcel: People have been saying this city's been sinking since I was a boy. It ain't going anywhere. But hey! [grabs bottle of scotch] How 'bout one for the road? [pours a glass]
Rebekah: Why? So you can liquor me up and convince me to stay?
Marcel: [stands up and gets in her face] Why else did you come here?
Rebekah: I came to say goodbye.
Marcel: [whispers in her ear] Then say it.
[The stare into each other's eyes for a moment]
Rebekah: Forget it.
[She turns to leave, but Marcel grabs her wrist and pulls him toward her, kissing her. She pushes him away and glares at him for a moment, but then runs up to him and starts kissing him. He pushes her away and they start to undress as they make out. Rebekah shoves him onto a chair and sits on his lap as they start to have s*x]
ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH
[Klaus, Agnes, and Father Kieran are still arguing]
Klaus: You're a piece of work, Agnes. But, guess what? I'm quite a piece of work myself. You know, I contemplated leaving bits of you artfully arranged outside your family's tomb? I thought it would leave a fitting message. [zooms over to Agnes and pulls her up into a chokehold] Don't. Touch. My. Family.
[Elijah enters and approaches them]
Elijah: Leave her.
[Klaus pulls Agnes into a headlock and stands back as he watches Elijah walk down the aisle]
Elijah: I gave my word.
[Father Kieran stands up to greet Elijah]
Klaus: You tend to give your word at the most inopportune times, brother. We've been doing things your way all day. Come on! Just one little snap and it's "Toodle-loo, Agnes." She deserves it!
Elijah: Niklaus, don't make another move. You have asked for my forgiveness. I will grant you that forgiveness, but do not make me break my word.
[Klaus glares at his brother as he considers it. After a moment, he lets Agnes go]
Klaus: [opens arms wide] My noble brother, how was that for personal growth, eh? Still, it is just like you to spoil all of my fun.
Elijah: [stares Agnes in the eyes] Oh, not exactly.
[Elijah zooms over to one of the men who helped Agnes and rips his heart out, throws a second man up into the air, and does the same to a third as he rips out the man's heart. He turns to Klaus with a bloody heart in each hand, and drops them to the floor. He pulls out his pocket square to wipe his hands as Agnes stares in horror, and Klaus grins proudly behind her]
Elijah: Now, I swore you would not die by my brother's hand. I said nothing of my own. [grabs Agnes in a chokehold and pushes her backwards] Nobody hurts my family and lives. [snaps her neck, and turns to leave] No one.
THE ABBATOIR
[Rebekah leans on the balcony railing and looks at the people on the street, wearing Marcel's button-up shirt. He comes up behind her and nuzzles at her neck]
Rebekah: Mmm. I've been away from this home almost a hundred years, and you haven't changed a thing in my bedroom.
Marcel: [smiles] I guess I was holding out hope that you'd come back to it. Though, I imagine it's not quite as comfortable as those beds at the Palace Royale Hotel.
Rebekah: [smiles awkwardly] It's plenty comfortable! [turns to her bag] I'm famished!
[She pulls an apple out of her bag and offers it to him]
Marcel: Nah, apples aren't my thing.
Rebekah: They were your favorite, one upon a time.
Marcel, Ah, they were! I'd get my ass beat if I ever ate them working on that plantation. Even the spoiled ones. Now, they just remind me of a time when I couldn't have things.
Rebekah: [leans against Marcel and grabs his arms] Well, now you can have whatever you want. [beat] Come with me.
Marcel: And go where, Rebekah?
Rebekah: Wherever we want to! We can build a home together, we can leave behind Klaus, this city, and those Orphan-Annie vampires...
Marcel: Whoa, whoa, those "Orphan-Annie vampires" are my family, and this city is my home.
Rebekah: It was my home, too, once. I left.
Marcel: You ran. I stayed! This empire thrives because of me, and you want me to run? A man does not run from his home!
Rebekah: I've lived a lot longer than you have, Marcellus. I have seen kings rise, and fall, but there is one thing I know to be true. It is that no matter how matter how big your empire becomes, it is nothing if you have no one to share it with. [she glares at him] You want New Orleans? Have it. I won't be here to stop you. [shoves the apple into his chest and leaves]
[Marcel stares out at the street as he thinks about what just happened. It looks at the apple, and brings it to his nose to smell it]
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Josh has stopped by to find Klaus. Hayley answers the door]
Josh: Where is he? I've been trying to find him all day. Marcel KNOWS that Klaus lied to him about where he lives.
Hayley: I'm not his damn keeper, Josh.
Josh: Fine! Just...tell him to call me, please.
Hayley: Okay. [shuts door]
[Josh walks away from the house, not knowing that Marcel is standing behind the tree, and has heard the entire conversation. Marcel sees a bunch of apples that have fallen from the apple tree and onto the ground. He picks one up, and we flashback to when Marcel was just a young boy, and was being whipped by a slavemaster. Young Marcel picks up an apple and lobs it at the man in anger. Marcel looks at the apple in his hand, and then looks over at the door]
[Someone knocks on the door again. Hayley goes to answer, thinking it's Josh again, but it's Marcel]
Hayley: Ugh, what the hell, Josh? [opens door to find Marcel and is startled]
Marcel: [smiles] Hi there, I'm Marcel. I don't think we've met!
[Hayley looks scared and angry]
ROUSSEAU'S BAR
[Cami is cleaning up at the bar when Klaus comes in to see her]
Cami: What are you doing here?
Klaus: Do you remember the promise I made you?
Cami: Promise? No. [looks at Klaus, and his compulsion kicks in] Yes. You promised you'd find out what happened to Sean.
Klaus: And I kept my word. Your twin brother's behavior was not born of natural causes. A witch hexed him to commit those murders, and kill himself.
Cami: I knew it. I knew he wasn't crazy. Who is this witch?
Klaus: Well, you needn't trouble yourself over her. She's already paid for her actions in blood.
Cami: Wait, what? You killed somebody?
Klaus: Ah, well, I had a hand in the matter, yeah...
[Cami slaps him in the face]
Klaus: [frustrated] Forgive me if I'm a little surprised by your reaction--
Cami: How the hell am I supposed to react? You just made me culpable in a revenge murder I never asked for!
Klaus: I've been alive for a thousand years, and I can assure you, many people have died for far less! Besides, now you can find comfort in the truth! [awkwardly pats her arm]
Cami: [shrugs away from him angrily] The truth? You compel me, you make me at peace with something that should be tearing me up inside! I don't know how, but I WILL undo whatever the hell it is you've done to me! And when I do, you're gonna wish you'd never laid eyes on me!
[Klaus stares at her sadly for a moment, and the zooms away. A few seconds pass, and Cami suddenly forgets everything that just happened, due to Klaus' compulsion.
OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S
[Outside, Klaus angrily stomps away from the bar, but Marcel catches up with him]
Marcel: Hey, where you been?
[Klaus stops walking, and rolls his eyes in annoyance before turning to Marcel]
Marcel: Not still mad about our tiff the other night, are you?
Klaus: [smiles fakely] Water under the bridge.
Marcel: Cami's all yours if you're interested. I'm feeling like right now's not the right time to pursue a relationship. Life's all about timing, you know? Speaking of, I swung by your house earlier to commiserate over a drink, but I must have just missed you.
Klaus: Oh, the Palace Royale didn't suit me, I moved on weeks ago.
Marcel: [smiles and shakes his head] Nooo, I mean your other place.
MIKAELSON MANSION
[Elijah comes home to find the house empty.]
Elijah: [looks around] Hayley?
OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S
Marcel: Interesting location to put down your roots, the same plantation where I was a slave. I guess that's why you never invited me over.
Klaus: Well, how rude of me. I'll speak to Elijah. I'm sure he'll be pleased to host you and Davina for the evening! Especially after you were so hospitable to him. [smiles]
Marcel: [smiles and chuckles] Good! I look forward to it.
[He and Klaus continue to shake hands, but as soon as Marcel leaves, Klaus' smile disappears and begins to look worried]
MIKAELSON MANSION / REBEKAH'S RED CONVERTIBLE
[Elijah calls Rebekah from the house, as she is on her way out of town in her car]
Rebekah: [on speakerphone] Goodbye means goodbye, Elijah.
Elijah: [worried] Is she with you?
Rebekah: What the hell are you talking about?
Elijah: Hayley's gone, where is she?
Rebekah: WHAT?
[Klaus walks into Hayley's room anxiously and joins Elijah]
Klaus: Marcel was here.
[Elijah looks stunned, and absently drops the phone from his ear]
Wiki


Scene: A corridor at the University.
Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it.
Raj: Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man. Leonard (looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard): Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj: We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard: I don't know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What's going on?
Howard: Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon's office.
Leonard: Sheldon's office? Is she lost?
Howard: Don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard: Well she's free to examine my briefs.
Leonard: Howard...
Howard: I know, I'm disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.
Girl: Well, that should do it.
Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey buddy.
Sheldon: Buddy.
Howard: Sorry I'm late, I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn't expecting you at all.
Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and... BAM! (shakes girl's hand) Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you've already met Howard.
Missy: It's nice to meet you.
Leonard: You too, swell, also.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: So, how do you two know each other.
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister, she thinks she's funny but frankly I've never been able to see it.
Missy: It's because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?
Howard: Well, I think you're delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole.
Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and... I'm sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon: Rajesh. Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Leonard: So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
Howard: Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.
Missy: My friend's getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.
Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.
Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad's estate.
Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn't she.
Missy: I guess that's why they call you a genius.
Sheldon: They call me a genius because I'm a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I'm having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together: Woah, woah.
Leonard: If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.
Leonard: Look, you're here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon: No we don't.
Howard: Come on, Shelly, she's family.
Sheldon: So what? I don't issue invitations to your mother.
Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon: And don't ever call me Shelly.
Leonard: So it's settled. You'll stay with us.
Howard: I'll walk you to your car. You're in structure 3 level C, right?
Sheldon: What just happened?
Scene: The apartment.
Missy: So anyway, we're eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic.
Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits.
Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy: Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there's a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?
Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. Penny (knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Leonard: Those are not mine.
Penny: Really, they have your little name label in them.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I do, I use those... uh... just to polish up my... spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny.
Missy: Hi.
Penny: Wow, you don't look that much alike.
Howard: Can I get a hallelujah.
Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj (running in): Hey, guess what. I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Penny: Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj: Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
Missy: Well, there's Dr Patel at our church.
Raj: Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard: Do you like motorcycles, 'cos I ride a hog.
Raj: A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front.
Howard: You still have to wear a helmet.
Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy: The s*x book?
Raj: The Indian s*x book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny (to Leonard): Hey, Sheldon's sister's pretty cute, I w....
Leonard: I wasn't staring!
Penny: I didn't say you were, I just said she was cute.
Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall... and perfect.
Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.
Leonard: I brought snacks.
Missy: Oh my! Gherkins and....
Leonard: Onion dip, it's onion dip.
Missy: Oh.
Leonard: We don't entertain much.
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome!
Penny: Missy, I'm going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy: God yes. Thanks.
Penny: You're welcome.
Missy: Bye guys.
Howard: Bye Missy.
Leonard: Bye Missy, see you.
Penny: Goodbye Leonard!
Leonard: Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment and she's my roommate's sister.
Howard: So what, you've already got Penny.
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!
Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I'm ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?
Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon: I guess. Don't worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That's okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Howard: I'm a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!
Raj: Hey, look at me, I don't have a foreskin.
Scene: Sheldon's bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It's noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
Leonard: That's fascinating, but I...
Sheldon: I didn't say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz... they're hitting on your sister.
Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don't want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought.
Leonard: That's great, but I....
Sheldon: What I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because she's your sister.
Sheldon: I don't understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we've pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Leonard: Okay, uh.... oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
Sheldon: I hadn't considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring.
Sheldon: You're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting.
Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!
Howard: I'm warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
Sheldon: Alright, that's enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I'm going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Howard: Who are you to decide that?
Leonard: He's the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon: You're out too, by the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?
Raj: I'm not happy, it's the medication, I can't stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon: Now that Leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Howard: Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
Leonard: We all make mistakes, let's move on.
Raj: Excuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here.
Sheldon: How so?
Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.
Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite s*x.
Raj (waving finger at him): I think you're focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard: Is it 'cause I'm Jewish, 'cause I'd kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy (who has just entered): Oh really?
Sheldon: Oops.
Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?
Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me. Leonard (to Penny who is standing next to him grinning): We all make mistakes, let's move on.
Scene: Sheldon's bedroom.
Missy: Okay. I'm not even going to ask why you're pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
Sheldon: Truthfully, I've never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy: What on earth are you talking about?
Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock?
Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.
Missy: Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you're not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.
Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God's special little people.
Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended.
Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)
Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal.
Missy: Go on.
Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area.
Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard: Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard: I agree. Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we've all been hitting on her at the same time.
Raj: She's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard: Oh, you poor, deluded b*st*rd.
Raj: Don't start with me dude.
Howard: You want to go again? Let's go.
Leonard: Sit down.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: If we're going to fight over Missy, let's do it the right way. The honourable way.
(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard: And he's down!
Howard: Come on, come on, get up.
Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon: I weep for humanity.
Leonard: Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny's door.)
Penny (answering): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny, how's it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny: Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard: Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please?
Penny: Of course.
Missy: Hi, Leonard, what's up?
Leonard: Well, since you're leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy: That's so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard: Oh. You have other plans, or...?
Missy: No.
Leonard: Oh. Alright uh... enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy: Thanks. See you.
Leonard (returning): Um, here's something we didn't anticipate.
(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: I'm fine, thanks for asking. I've come to call on Missy.
Penny: Missy?
Missy: Hi Howard.
Howard: The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy: Not really. No.
Howard: Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words "will you go out with me?")
Missy: No.
Howard: Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads "are you sure?" Missy closes the door.)
(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny: Missy?
Raj: Thank you. I apprec.... (looks panicked) apprec.... appreeee.... oh-oh.
Penny: Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off? (Raj nods.)
Missy: Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you'd show up.
(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.)
Missy: We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending.
Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.
Missy: Yeah, I'll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yup, I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.
Sheldon: You tell people I'm a rocket scientist?
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Missy: Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating.


ACT ONE
ON THE PLUS SIDE SHE DID LOSE TWO POUNDS
Scene 1 - Int. Frasier's Studio at KACL Frasier is seated in his booth. Roz stands beside him, sorting through papers.
Frasier: Oh Roz, I managed to get some reservations at San Gennaro tonight. [standing] I thought we'd go celebrate your birthday.
Roz: [looking up] Oh, that is so sweet, but I have a date. With that waiter we met at lunch yesterday.
Frasier: [disbelieving] You're going out with that guy?
Roz: I didn't have enough for a tip.
Frasier: Keep in mind the service wasn't that good. [pause] Well, the reservation won't go to waste. I can always take Niles.
Roz: Niles? Again? You know, your entire social life consists of going out with your brother. [pause] Don't you think you're getting into kind of a rut? You're still young! You need to go out and get drunk...
Frasier walks around her toward the door of the booth.
Roz: [cont'd] Wake up in some stranger's bed and not even remember how you got there.
Frasier: [opening door] In other words, exchange my life for yours.
Roz: Well, do what you want. But you know what? You could shake up your life every once in a while, do something spur of the moment. Once, I finished work on a Friday and hopped a plane to Acapulco, and I didn't pack anything but my toothbrush.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, I do remember you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background.
Roz: Well, I was sick.
Frasier: Mmm-hmmm. [closes door]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Int. Frasier's living room at the Elliot Bay Towers
Daphne: [opening front door] Oh, Doctor Crane!
Niles: Daphne.
Niles walks into the apartment to place his coat on the sofa. Daphne closes the door after him. When he turns back toward her, she has turned her back to him. She is wearing a yellow sundress which is unzipped to her lower back.
Daphne: Thank God you're here. My zip's stuck.
Niles: Oh.
Niles walks to her and reaches for the zipper, watching her lower back intently.
Niles: Good thing I got here when I did.
Daphne: Don't be afraid to grab hold and give it all you've got.
Niles: [looking up at the back of her head] Okay.
Daphne: Sometimes pulling it down a bit helps.
Niles: [looking up again] Okay. [pause] Oh, dear. I've zipped my tie into your dress. It won't come loose.
Niles leans down to examine his predicament.
Daphne: Oh, let me see! Daphne turns to look, jerking Niles by the tie in the process.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry! It is stuck, isn't it? Well, maybe some liquid soap from the powder room will loosen it up.
Daphne walks to the bathroom, dragging Niles by the tie. He is leaned over, his face very close to her rear - most likely a delightful scenario for him. Just as Daphne has her hand on the knob to the bathroom, Frasier walks in the front door, taking in the scene before him. He stares skeptically for several moments as he closes the door behind him.
Frasier: Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne: [grinning] Doctor Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier: Yes, he is. [walks to Daphne, pushing Niles to the side slightly] Allow me. [frees the zipper] Ah, there. All right, there we go.
Frasier walks over to hang up her coat, and Daphne walks toward the breakfast table.
Daphne: What a relief. I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Doctor Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something. [gazing longingly]
Frasier: Oh Niles, I managed to score some reservations tonight at San Gennaro. You up for a little Italian?
Niles: Actually, I'm going out with Maris, so I guess you could say I'm up for a little Episcopalian. [laugh]
Frasier: [laughs, walking toward wet bar] Like some sherry?
Niles: Yes, thank you.
Frasier: So, those counseling session must be going very well.
[pouring sherry]
Niles: They are! So, tonight, we thought it would be a kick to recreate our very first date.
Daphne: [sitting at table] Oh, that's sweet.
Martin walks in the front door with Eddie on his leash.
Niles: Hey, dad. In fact, that day my car was in the shop, so I'm here to borrow Dad's car just like I did back then. [Frasier hands him his sherry] Just saying that makes me feel so young. "Gee, Dad, can I borrow the car?"
Martin: You did that twice on the phone, and I didn't find it cute then. [reaching in pocket, pulling out keys] Here you go.
Martin tosses his keys to Niles underhanded. However, they sail right by him and are caught by Frasier, who is standing behind him.
Frasier: [handing Niles the keys] I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it.
[proud] I was her first bad boy. [sits on couch]
Frasier: Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your t-shirt. [gesturing to Daphne at the table and Martin coming out of the kitchen] Oh, how about you two? You guys want to join me for dinner tonight?
Martin: Oh sorry, Sherry's cooking me dinner tonight.
Daphne: And I have a date with Greg.
Frasier: Greg? I don't believe I've met him yet.
Martin: I have. He's gorgeous. [stares all around] Well, he is.
Daphne: He's certainly the best-looking man I've ever been out with. Of course, he doesn't have a thought in that pretty little head of his. [distantly] Hmmm, this could be the one.
Martin: [going to sit in chair] But you know, Frasier, maybe I can have Sherry cook for me some other time.
Frasier: No, no. You don't have to put yourself out on my account, Dad. [notices answering machine blinking] Oh Dad, did you happen to check this message?
Martin: No, I don't touch that thing.
Message: [V.O.] Hi, it's Laura. We're getting an extra day of rehearsal, so I'm coming in tonight instead of tomorrow. American, Flight 11, 10:30. Can't wait. Bye!
Frasier: Great news, Laura's in town!
Niles: Who's Laura?
Frasier: A stranger who called my machine by mistake.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene 1 - Int. the restaurant - San Gennaro Frasier stands at the maitre 'd's booth in the restaurant, his arm propped against it casually.
Frasier: Reservation for Doctor Frasier Crane.
Maitre 船: From the radio, yes?
Frasier: Yes. Ooh, actually my date canceled, so it'll just be me.
Maitre 船: I see, sir. [lowers voice] Table for one.
Frasier: There is no need to lower your voice. I'm not ashamed to dine alone. eally, as a man of some celebrity, I can serve as a symbol to others who might otherwise be afraid to do so. I mean, really it's okay, it's actually even preferable to sit and dine alone rather than listen to someone who's too much in love with his own voice prattle on endlessly.
Maitre 船: Well, you convinced me, sir. I'll see if your table's ready.
The Maitre 'D leaves the room, and Frasier is left alone, looking decidedly less comfortable.
Maitre 船: [loudly] Doctor Crane? Your table for one is ready.
He holds a menu out for Frasier, who takes it and slinks to his table, which is positioned right in the center of the room.
Frasier: Uh, listen, is it possible to move to... to have a table elsewhere? I feel just a bit conspicuous right here.
Waiter: I'm very sorry, sir, but they're all reserved. But don't worry, most of our patrons only have eyes for each other.
Frasier: Very well.
Frasier sits. The waiter begins to fix the place setting, clinking glasses together very loudly. Other diners begin to look at the table.
Waiter: I'm so sorry, sir.
Frasier: Perfectly all right. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. Perhaps I could have a glass of your house cabernet.
A young boy approaches as Frasier fixes his napkin in his lap.
Johnny: Hi.
Frasier: Hello. What's your name?
Johnny: Johnny. How come nobody's sitting with you?
Frasier: Well, that's a bit complicated, Johnny.
Johnny: My mom and dad said it's okay if you come sit with us.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's a very... very sweet offer, and I know it's hard for a young boy to understand, but really, there's nothing wrong with someone eating by himself.
Johnny: You know, one time I was really bad at school and the teacher made me eat lunch all by myself.
Frasier: Oh, well that gave you an opportunity to think about your actions, didn't it?
Johnny: Nope. I just cried.
Frasier: [rolls eyes] Run along, Johnny.
Johnny leaves. The waiter approaches.
Waiter: Your glass of cabernet, sir.
Frasier: Oh, thank you.
Waiter: Oh, and I see your candle has gone out. [shouts] Enrico!
[claps loudly]
Frasier: Please, stop! Tonight, I'd prefer to just... dine in the shadows, thank you.
An attractive woman approaches.
Woman: Excuse me. Are you here by yourself?
Frasier: As a matter of fact I am, yes.
Woman: I was hoping you'd say that! Would you mind if I -
[gestures at the other chair at the table]
Frasier: Oh, good Lord, yes. I've actually been sitting here hoping somebody would- [realization passing over him] make good use of that chair.
As the woman takes the chair away...
Amanda: AAAHHHH! [jumps up] Of course I'll marry you!
The scream has startled Frasier, who spills his cabernet all over his shirt.
Ethan: Oh, sorry for the commotion, folks. [notices spilled wine, walks over] Oh, gosh, is that our fault? Listen, let me pay for the dry cleaning!
Frasier: Oh, not to worry, not to worry.
Maitre 船: Congratulations, you two! Here's to young love!
Husband: [standing with his wife] Well, as long as we're all sharing good news, my wife just told me that we're having twins.
Ethan: Now that I've already interrupted all of your meals, I'd just like to share my joy with everyone here. [gazes at his fiance] To Amanda, my future bride, I will love you every day of my life, and I hope that, when we die, it's at the exact same moment so that neither of us will have to spend even one second alone again.
Everyone applauds, including Frasier, but VERY grudgingly. He looks around, frowns, thinks a bit, and finally stands and walks over to Johnny's table.
Frasier: Hi, um, Johnny said I could eat with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LOVE AMONG THE RUINS
Scene 2 - Int. Frasier's living room at the Elliot Bay Towers. Frasier walks in the front door of his apartment. Martin and Daphne are sitting at the breakfast table.
Martin: Hey, Fras, how was your dinner?
Frasier: [walking slowly behind the couch] Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man."
Daphne: I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that.
Frasier: Oh? [opens his overcoat to reveal his red shirt and tie]
Daphne: Oh, dear.
Frasier: [walks to hang up his overcoat] The height of the evening came when the entire staff of waiters delivered the birthday cake that I'd ordered for Roz and neglected to cancel. [pause] They sang to me. [walks over to lean against Martin's chair]
Martin: It's not your birthday.
Frasier: Staying right with the story as usual, Dad. Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll, and it suddenly struck me: I'm single. I'd gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm forty- three, and I'm alone.
Martin: Hey! [stands and walks to kitchen] I have something that'll cheer you up. I brought you some of Sherry's mock apple pie. [comes out] It's called "mock" cause they uses crackers instead of apples.
Frasier: Good! [doorbell; Frasier walks to answer door] Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples. [opening door] Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier! Oh, what happened?
Frasier: Well-
Niles: No, let me guess. [leans in] Robust color, fruity bouquet. I'd say that's an amusing little merlot.
Frasier: Cabernet. [closes door]
Niles: [walking past him] Oh. Well, it's still amusing.
Daphne: So, did you and Mrs. Crane enjoy recreating your first date?
Niles: [standing behind chair at the breakfast table; very excited] Oh yes, my Maris remembered details that I'd forgotten. For example, when I brought her home after the restaurant, we took a stroll around the grounds. Suddenly, Marta appeared on the balcony playing the part of Maris's late father. She was liquored up on Rob Roys and firing Swedish meatballs at me from an antique blunderbuss.
Frasier: [glances down at answering machine] Dad, am I the only one in this household who checks this machine?
Laura: [V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again.
Frasier: Again.
Laura: [V.O.] Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyway, I just called to remind you I'll have my cello with me.
Translation: you might want to clean out your car this time to make room. I know, toujours la grande souer. Anyway, I can't wait to see you guys. I've been on my own way too much lately. See you at 10:30, Flight 11. Love you. Goodbye.
[N.B. French, 殿lways the big sister.?/i>]
Daphne: Too bad there's no way to call her back. She's gonna be stranded at the airport.
Frasier: Oh no, she won't, she'll take a cab.
Daphne: You know, that happens a lot. People leaving wrong messages. And after hearing a stranger's voice like that, it always starts me wondering what they must be like.
Martin: Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like from the voice.
Niles: [looking at Sherry's mock apple pie on the breakfast table] That's true. I was once told that I sound - imagine the impertinence - [enunciating] "UP-TIGHT."
Daphne: Well, she sounds to me like a very attractive woman. Intelligent -
Niles: She speaks French.
Frasier: I always loved the name Laura.
Martin: Hey Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah! Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname "Prissy."
Niles: [cutting a slice] Mmmm, I never much cared for it, either.
Frasier smiles at the irony and sits down on his couch.
Daphne: You know, Doctor Crane, this Laura sounds like she might just be a perfect match for you. If you left now, you could meet that plane.
Frasier: [laugh] Oh, please, Daphne, a couple phone calls and you're fixing us up already.
Daphne: But think about it! She plays the cello. You'd like that.
[stands and walks toward Frasier]
Niles: She appreciates neatness. [following Daphne]
Martin: She expresses affection easily. That's good. [receives stares from everyone] Well, pardon me for growing a little, okay?
Daphne perches on the arm of the sofa. Martin sits in his chair. Niles stands between them.
Niles: She did mention being on her own too much. So we know she's available.
Frasier: Oh, sure it's fun to speculate, but, come on, you can't seriously be suggesting-
Daphne: But why not? I can't imagine a more exciting way to meet. The woman of your dreams steps off a plane, and there you are to rescue her.
Niles is watching her tenderly. Very sweet.
Martin: Oh, yeah, you can't beat meeting somebody in a romantic way. That's the way it was with me and your mom.
Niles: You met Mother over the chalk outline of a murder victim.
Martin: So? It was romantic to us.
Daphne: I met a boy in a cute way once. I was eighteen and visiting Stonehenge and this smashing young man came up to me and told me he was an actual descendent of the Druids.
Frasier: Boy, is that the one place that line would work.
Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." [pauses, takes a sip of sherry] God, that was twenty years ago. [starts to chuckle, then] Nope, still can't laugh about it.
[N.B. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, an invitation to "join the Mile High Club" is an offer to have s*x on an airplane.]
Frasier stands and walks back over to the message machine. He hits a button.
Laura: [V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again. Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyw-
Frasier stops the machine and turns around.
Frasier: She likes the sound of my voice. She's called me twice today. That's already the best relationship I've had this year.
Martin: So, are you going?
Frasier: Maybe. Oh, I don't know.
Daphne: There's nothing worse than when you look back on a missed opportunity.
Frasier: What the hell! [runs to grab his overcoat]
Daphne: Oh, I'm so excited.
Frasier: I can't believe I'm actually doing this! [runs to the door]
Niles: Frasier, before you go-
Frasier: No, Niles, stop right there! Don't say another word to me! I'll never do something this impulsive if I stop to overthink it. Just let me get the hell out of here before I change my mind!
He slams the door behind him. Several moments go by before he opens it again and dashes toward his room.
Frasier: But not before I change my shirt.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 3 - Int. airport People are de-boarding the plane. Several people hold signs. The first says, "IBM." The second says, "DR. THOMPKINS." Frasier, clearly nervous, stands with a sign with crude capital letters:
"LAURA."
Then Laura, a beautiful woman in her thirties, appears, maneuvering her cello case with the help of a flight attendant.
Laura: Thanks for all your help. I can take it from here.
Frasier: [leaning forward, speaking hesitantly] Uh, Laura? Looking for Molly?
Laura: Yes, I am. Molly sent a driver?
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no. [sincere smile] I'm not a driver, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm here to help you.
Laura: [long pause] Molly's having me committed?
Frasier: No, no, no! I'm Doctor Frasier Crane.
Laura: Oh, from the radio!
Frasier: Oh, you know me!
Laura: Yes, I've heard your show, it's great! But your knowing me is just - weird.
Frasier: Well, actually... you left a couple messages on my machine today by mistake.
Laura: Oh, no. I must've gotten my sister's new number wrong.
Frasier: I didn't want you waiting around for someone who wasn't coming.
Laura: So you came all the way down here? What're you, like the nicest guy in the world?
Frasier: Yes. Yes, I am. Well, speaking of nice, I would be delighted to drive you to your sister's home.
Laura: Oh, no, no, no, I'll take a cab.
Frasier: Are you sure? It's no trouble at all.
Laura: Well, she lives an hour away. But, uh, listen, could I buy you a drink just to say thank you?
Frasier: Yes, I'd love that. [gesturing to the instrument case] May I take your cello?
Laura: Aaahhhh... I checked my cello, this is my purse.
Long pause; Frasier seems confused, totally at a loss as to what to say.
Laura: [jokingly annoyed] I think that's funny. Why doesn't anybody laugh at that?
Frasier: That is funny! Here. [takes case, leads them toward airport bar] So, are you with an orchestra? [puts cello case to the side]
Laura: With a chamber music group, actually. We're based in LA, but we travel quite a bit. [sits] I grew up here, so it's always nice to come back. I miss it.
Frasier: So, what'll you have?
Laura: Um... I think I'll have a glass of sherry.
Frasier: [pleasantly surprised] Two.
Laura: Not that you can expect that much from airport bar sherry. [guiltily] Oh, goodness. Don't I sound like the perfect snob?
Frasier: [dreamily] Yes... [catches himself] I mean, I agree with you about the sherry. So... um... why did you choose the cello?
Laura: When I was around eleven, my father took me to the symphony. And this sounds a little silly, but when I heard the cello, it sounded sad, like it needed me.
Frasier: [moved] That's not silly. It's lovely.
Laura: I was always an odd kid. All my girlfriends had posters of David Cassidy. I had Pablo Cassall.
Frasier: I had Sigmund Freud. [laughs]
Laura: But did you kiss him every night before you went to bed?
Frasier: Well, I... I was tempted to, but he just would've read too much into it! [they laugh; their drinks come] Oh, thank you.
Laura: I don't think I've ever shared a drink with a psychiatrist. I'm worried that you must be analyzing me.
Frasier: Well, if I am, my diagnosis so far is that I... I can't find a single thing wrong with you.
Laura: [takes sip of sherry] Actually, it's quite good!
Frasier: Yes. My second pleasant surprise this evening.
Laura: Frasier, maybe I'm misreading you here, but - I'm married.
Frasier: [slowly, very disappointed] Oh... somehow I jumped to the conclusion that you were single. Wasn稚 there something in your message about having been on your own too much, lately?
Laura: Oh, I've been away on tour.
Frasier: Oh... Well, I guess by now you've probably figured out that my coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan. More like a lonely Samaritan. Guess it makes me seem sort of desperate.
Laura: No... I think it makes you seem sort of romantic. I used to do things like this when I was single. It was fun.
Frasier: Clearly, you were better at being single than I am.
Laura: Oh, come on. Let me ask you a question. How did you feel, coming down here?
Frasier: I felt... completely exhilarated. In fact, it's the most fun I've had in recent memory.
Laura: Exactly. The anticipation, the excitement, the hope. Marriage is the death of all that.
Frasier: I hope you didn't write your own vows.
Laura: [laughs] I'm not down on marriage. It's just that marriage can be great, but so can not being married.
Frasier: I suppose. [pause] Well, you're smart, lovely, talented, able to look at the bright side of things. I'm getting more disappointed by the moment.
Laura: [sincerely] I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted.
Frasier: Oh, don't be. Look, I really did have fun. You know, it's not very often that I do something impulsive.
Laura: Well, maybe you should. [pause] Well, I really should be going.
Frasier: Oh, no, here, allow me. Allow me. I'm the nicest guy in the world, remember? [stands to retrieve cello]
Laura: I'll remember. [stands]
Frasier: Here we are. [hands over the cello]
Laura: This is probably a ridiculous thing to say, but if I weren't married-
Frasier: No, you don't have to finish that, but thank you very much for starting it.
Laura: [barely audible] Okay.
Laura turns to leave, but in the process, her cello case knocks over one of the metal stools at the bar.
Frasier: Oh! Let me get that for you.
Frasier bends down to lift the chair. Laura walks back over and leans toward him, her eyebrow raised worriedly.
Laura: If you ever think back on this, could you just-
Frasier: [broad, sweeping gesture] I'll just edit that part out.
Laura: [nods] Thank you.
Laura walks away. Frasier sits down, nursing his sherry. A dark- haired woman comes on from off-stage.
Announcement: ...4 will depart from Gate 31. Passengers may proceed to the....
Woman: Excuse me.
Frasier: Mmm-hmmm?
Woman: Did you just hear that gate change announcement?
Frasier: Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, but perhaps they can help you at the ticket counter.
Woman: Oh, good idea. Thanks. [beginning to leave]
Frasier: Where're you headed?
Woman: Mexico. How about you?
Frasier: Oh well, I'm just going to finish up my sherry, and then I'm off to.... [moment of inspiration] I'm going to Mexico!
Woman: Really? Acapulco?
Frasier: [stands to walk with her] It's uncanny! What hotel are you staying at?
Woman: Via Terra.
Frasier: Why, that's where I'm staying! You're scaring me!
FADE OUT as they board the plane.