[The Kerwin House - Ashley's Room]
(While getting ready for school, she's talking to her friend Terri on the phone.)
Ashley: This is gonna be the best year ever! (Working on her poster for Degrassi student council president.) The first thing we need to do to, Terri, we need to get you a boyfriend. It'll happen. Trust me. Uh, Terri, I am not a shoe in (as she leaves the room, we see her poster which says "Ashley Kerwin Your Choice For Degrassi Prez" with her picture in the center) We won't even know if I'm president till the final vote is counted (closes her door.) Yeah, I just need to have a shower and get dressed. Oh, no, not again. Ter, I've gotta go. All right, I'll see you at school. Bye (hangs up with Terri) (Knocks on the bathroom door- goes back and forth a minute between showing Toby in the bathroom and her outside the door) Toby, out.
Toby: How do you know it's me? It could be your mom, could be my dad.
Ashley: They have their own bathroom.
Toby: Then, go use it. I just got here.
Ashley: Toby, come on, be reasonable. I have to get to school to put up my election posters.
Toby: Aren't you the only one running? (Opens the cabinet and sees Ashley's bra hanging in the shower)
Ashley: Toby, remember what Dr. Fried said? "A generous attitude makes for a generous family." Now, get out the bathroom, now! Toby, what will it take you to open that door?
Toby: Just say "please".
Ashley: Please.
Toby: (while fixing his hair) Now say "Toby Isaacs is the coolest kid at Degrassi. Way, way cooler than any stupid grade 8 could ever hope to be."
Ashley: Toby, I have to get something?
Toby: Get what? Your hairbrush? Your eyeliner? Your (opens the door with her bra on) training bra?
Ashley: Mom!
Theme song.
[Degrassi]
Toby: I mean, I hadn't even spit out my toothpaste and she wanted in.
JT: Maybe you should explain to Ashley that bathroom time is private time.
Toby: She'd probably go and cry to her mommy.
JT: Really?
Toby: She has no sense of humor and she's a neat-o-holic. Yesterday, I left my gym socks on the couch, she freaked.
JT: Your gym socks can reek something fierce.
Toby: Just 'cause me and dad move in to their house, Ashley treats me like...
JT: Dirt? Gum stuck on her shoe?
Toby: All of the above. So, ready for Day 1 of the rest of our junior high lives?
JT: What do you think?
[Inside Degrassi]
(Terri is helping Ashley put up her posters.)
Ashley: Dr. Fried says we need to work together and become more like siblings.
Terri: You fight all the time, you can't stand the sight of each other, you're already acting like siblings.
Ashley: I mean I don't mind his dad Jeff, and I'm glad my mom's happy, but Toby, he's everywhere. He's like a little mosquito that keeps buzzing in your ear.
Terri: Hey, Ash, maybe when you're president, you can get him expelled.
Ashley: Yeah, from my life.
(A blond girl named Paige comes up to them. She's wearing a red shirt that says "Hottie", blue capris, and sunglasses)
Paige: Hey, guys. Haven't seen you all summer. How are you doing? (As she talks, the camera moves up from her feet to her face)
Terri: Paige?
Paige: New year, new look, new Paige (a guy stares at her and hits a locker.) You're putting up your campaign posters already?
Ashley: The election's on Friday.
Paige: Wow, you'd rather on the issues than your appearance. That's so...admirable.
Paige walks away.
[Another part of Degrassi]
(Emma and Manny are coming into school.)
Emma: Manny, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Manny: Nothing but the grade 8's.
Emma: They're only a year older than us.
Manny: Yeah, a whole year to think of ways to make us suffer.
(Emma drops some papers. As she goes to pick them up, Spinner and Jimmy approach them. Spinner steps on the papers.)
Spinner: Hall pass.
Emma: What?
Spinner: You're not allowed on school property without a hall pass.
Emma: But, we didn't get one.
Spinner: Then you'll both have to leave.
Manny: But, we can't. It's the first day of school.
Spinner: (To Jimmy) Grade 7's are such geeks.
(Spinner and Jimmy leave. Emma picks up her papers.)
[Outside a room]
(Toby and JT walk up to the room that's homeroom, but the door's locked.)
Toby: (To Emma and Manny) Hey, guys.
Emma: Hey.
Manny: Hi. That's our homeroom?
Emma: Cool.
(The bell rings. Mr. Simpson comes to the door and un-locks it.)
Mr. S: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Hey, Em. Okay, here we go. (As the kids enter the room and sit down) All right, just choose your own seats for the time being. Okay, welcome to Degrassi Community School. I'm Mr. Simpson, I'm your homeroom and Media Immersion teacher. And I gotta say you guys really lucked out, I mean it. This is by far the coolest homeroom in the entire school. First order of business: These are the code of conduct forms (passing them out to everyone), concerning the computers, and the internet, all right? I wanna get these out of the way before we get to know one another (takes JT's hat off his head).
[Ms. Kwan's homeroom (grade 8 with Ashley, Paige, Spinner, etc)]
Ms. Kwan: Some of you I know already and a few of you are new faces altogether. Welcome. Gavin Reginald Mason.
Spinner: Um, I prefer Spinner.
Ms. Kwan: This year will I have to give you, what was it, another 14 detentions?
Spinner: Not if you don't want to.
Ms. Kwan: Learning and good grades are all important here at Degrassi, but so is getting involved in the school.
Paige: (raises her hand) That's why I'm starting a spirit squad this year Ms. Kwan. We so need one.
Ms. Kwan: Great, Paige. That's so industrious of you. And speaking of industrious, Ashley?
Ashley: Yes?
Ms. Kwan: The first day of school and you already have a professional campaign under way? Excellent start.
Ashley: Thank you
[Hallway]
(Starts with a close-up of Ashley's poster.)
P.A.: Students are reminded that 3:15 today is the deadline for student council nominations.
(Emma and her friends are walking.)
Emma: See, Manny, this isn't so bad, isn't it?
Manny: As long as we don't run into that jerk again.
(They stop in front of Ashley's poster.)
Emma: Is that your step-sister?
Toby: She's not my step-sister. We just to be stuck in a forced living arrangement.
Manny: Well, I think she's pretty.
Toby: Ashley hates I live in her house and she hates that I go to her school. Which she's obviously never heard of democracy.
Emma: What are you talking about?
Toby: This election. No one's even running against her. She's a shoe-in.
Emma: Why don't you run?
Toby: Because it would provoke a rupture in our fragile family dynamic. It's family counseling speak for "my dad would kill me".
Manny: So? Get someone else to run.
JT: Yeah, right. Who'd wanna run for student council? The whole thing's a joke.
Toby: Did u say joke?
JT: No way, Toby. I am not going a joke campaign.
Toby: Come on, JT. It's the perfect way to stick it to Ashley.
JT: But this is my first day at Degrassi.
Toby: Exactly. You're in the same boat as a large percentage of the student body. Which is why they'll love you. Come on, JT, this is your once of a lifetime opportunity.
JT: For you to stick it to Ashley.
Toby: No, for you to practice your stand-up material on a large perceptive audience.
JT: Keep talking.
Toby: You want to be famous, right? This is instant fame. Just think: assembly the whole school hanging on your every word.
JT: And you'll do all the work?
(Toby nods.)
JT: Deal. Here we are right here. What if I win?
Toby: Trust me. You don't stand a chance.
[Hallway]
Ashley: The poster's a little low on the left. Just bring it.
Liberty: Ashley Kerwin. We haven't met. I'm Liberty Van Zandt and I'm running for secretary. We're gonna be a great team. Just think. I'd like to discuss a few ideas so our policies will be in sync. First, I think we should tackle a lack of the school newspaper.
Ashley: Why don't we wait until after the election?
Liberty: Great. Um, your poster's a little high on the left.
(She leaves. Jimmy comes up to Ashley and puts his arm around her (which means they're boyfriend/girlfriend))
Jimmy: What was that all about?
(They walk away.)
[Classroom]
(Toby is making copies of something- we see it says JT's name on it, which means it must be posters.)
Mr. S: You do know it's 10 cents a copy?
(Toby tries to make them stop.)
[Hallway]
(Toby's putting up JT's posters.)
Ashley: I'm gonna make so many changes at this school, Terri. And not just superficial stuff. I want the students to feel heard.
(They stop when they JT's posters.)
Terri: Uh, Ash....
Ashley: What is that?
Toby: Oh, a poster without your picture on it.
Ashley: JT Yorke. That annoying little friend of yours?
Toby: What's wrong Ashley? Afraid of a little competition?
Ashley: You are so wasting your time. School president is always in 8th grade.
Toby: Well, uh, this year that's going to change.
(Ashley and Terri walk past Toby.)
Toby: 'Bye, Ashley.
[Hallway]
(Someone comes to JT with a camera.)
Boy: Hey, JT. Why do you wanna run for president?
JT: Why do I wanna run for president? Uh, that's a good question.
Toby: In one word people: democracy. The backbone of our fine nation.
JT: Hear, hear!
Toby: He is, people, our great alternative. In a world dominated by cruel selfish 8th graders, JT is our last shining hope.
JT: I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you, Degrassi.
[Outside]
Liberty: A grade 7 running for president? I wouldn't be caught dead voting for him. Besides, I think Ashley and I, Liberty Van Zandt, will make an excellent team.
[Another part of school]
JT: If elected, I, JT Yorke, will do what a real politician would do: absolutely nothing. And, like a true politician, I will accept bribes.
(Ashley and Terri are watching.)
Ashley: People are actually paying attention to him?
Terri: He's pretty funny. If you like total amateur humor. You're not actually worried are you?
Ashley: No.
JT: I, JT Yorke: Unknown, unremarkable...
[Hallway]
(Someone with a camera is talking to Emma.)
Emma: Personally, I think it's great. Grade 7's have just as much right to run for school president as anyone. I'm voting for JT.
[Outside]
Ashley: Greater representation the school boards.
Terri: (passing out fliers) And up-to-date recycling programs.
Ashley: I'll even get us a night dance. All it costs is a vote.
[JT's speech to students.]
JT: What about the staff washrooms? (It shows Ashley watching) I'll bet you any money that they have softer toilet paper. If you elect me, I'll those staff washrooms, our washrooms. So vote for JT. You'll do the right thing. I know you will. (To Toby) It's working.
Toby: (sees Ashley watching) I know.
JT: Vote for JT. It'll do you good. You'll love me. Nice to meet you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Kerwin House: Kitchen]
Ashley: Toby Issacs, you shrimp, who are you doing this to me?
Toby: I'm not doing anything. JT's running for president and I'm just helping him out.
Ashley: JT doesn't care about the school.
Toby: How do you know? Guess what: Degrassi doesn't revolve around you. Anyone can run.
Ashley: The guy is an idiot! And he doesn't know anything because he just got there
Ashley's mom, Kate, walks in.
Kate: Ashley, What's the problem?
Ashley: Great. Take his side again. Don't even try to figure out what we're talking about. I mean, I put all my effort into this race...
Toby: There was no race. Now there is.
Kate: Toby, are you running against Ashley?
Ashley: No, his friend, JT, is.
Toby: I'm helping my best friend run his campaign. What's wrong with that?
Ashley: What's wrong is he's only doing it to bug me.
Kate: Come on, Ashley, I'm sure he's not.
Ashley: But Mom....
Kate: Toby has every right to help run his best friend's campaign.
[The Next Day- Kerwin Bathroom]
(Ashley, in curlers, knocks on the door.)
Toby: Today's the big day. Written your defeat speech yet?
Ashley: JT is not going to win.
Toby: You wish. Just think: you're about to lose to a 7th grader.
(Ashley goes in the bathroom.)
[Degrassi Hallway]
(Someone is taping Paige.)
Paige: Hi. My name's Paige + of course Ashley's going to win today. Sure, some students may resent her for being perfect, but, Ashley always get what she wants, so why would today be any different? Actually, I'll tell why today is different. See, I just got these brand new glasses and I think they look rather nice with my outfit, don't you? Oh, and my belt. Please get a close-up of the belt. Thanks. And my new purse so everyone can see all that I own. What do I have in here? This, this isn't mine.
(The cameraman starts to walk away.)
Paige: (O.S.) Hello! I'm not done here!
[Computer room]
(Toby and JT are on it, checking polls for president.)
Toby: Look at this! You've got as much support as Ashley!
JT: It's just some stupid poll.
Toby: This is before your speech (show a close-up of the poll: Ashley- 48%, JT- 52%). Forget Ashley. You're on the verge of making Degrassi history! Am I the only one excited here?
JT: I thought the plan was to make her sweat.
Toby: Exactly! The closer you come to beating her, the sweater she gets.
JT: Yeah, well, I'm getting pretty sweaty too. Because if I win this thing, I'll have to do a lot of work.
[Another part of school]
(Someone is taping Liberty.)
Liberty: It would be tragic if Ashley lost today. But if she did, and if I, Liberty Van Zandt, am elected as secretary, I would work closely with JT to ensure excellent standards of student government.
[Hall]
(JT closes his locker and starts to head to class when Spinner and Jimmy grab him.)
JT: Uh, hi.
Spinner: You're coming with us.
JT: What? What did I do? I'm going to be late for class, you're going to be late for class. That's a lot of lateness. Do you want to get a dentition? I know I don't. What did I do?
[A classroom]
Ashley is in there waiting.
JT: Is this about the election? If I promise you something you got a problem with, just tell me and I'll change it. Really, I will
(They drop him on the floor.)
Ashley: Thanks. That's all for now.
(They leave. JT gets up.)
JT: What's going on?
Ashley: Here's the deal: you quit the race for school president and I give you 50 bucks.
JT: 50 bucks?
Ashley: 5-0. Okay, 60.
JT: You see, I'd jump at that but I've got this older brother. He just lost the race for school president.
Ashley: 65.
JT: My parents were shattered. They had to go on Prozac. I can't put them through that again.
Ashley: 80 bucks and that's my final offer.
JT: 80's good.
Ashley: Glad to hear it. But for that amount, I want a show. I want you to quit in front of the whole school.
JT: At assembly? Cool. I still get to say my speech.
Ashley: Half now, the rest after. (Gives him the money)
JT: It was a pleasure doing business with you, Ms. President. (Puts out his hand but she doesn't shake it) I'll go now.
(He grabs his bag and leaves.)
[Hall]
Manny: Once the election's over, I head straight home.
Emma: And avoid Spinner.
(Spinner comes up behind them and hits Manny with a spitball.)
Manny: Ow.
(Holds her neck and starts to cry.)
Emma: Oh, great. Now look what you've done.
Spinner: I was just kidding around.
Terri: Wow that's so cool, Spinner. Making a grade 7 girl cry.
Spinner: Look, I didn't mean to make her cry.
Emma: Well, you did. Congratulations.
(Spinner walks away.)
Emma: It's ok, Manny. He's gone.
Manny: I knew it would work. Always does on my brother.
(They walk away.)
[Hall]
(Toby catches up to JT.)
Toby: She bribed you?
JT: She paid me.
Toby: It's wrong.
JT: Wrong? What about this campaign?
Toby: What about it?
JT: We did this just to get back at your step-sister.
Toby: She's not my step-sister!
P.A.: Would all candidates please report to the stage?
JT: Look, if it makes you feel any better, we'll split it. 50/50.
Toby: I don't want her blood money. It's just helping Ashley get exactly what she wants...again.
[Assembly]
(Liberty is finishing her speech.)
Liberty: And in conclusion, I promise that if elected, I, Liberty Van Zandt, will fulfill my responsibilities as student council secretary with enthusiasm and even more enthusiasm. Thank you. (Applause as she sits)
(Mr. Raditch comes to the mike.)
Mr. R: Thank you very much, Liberty, for that enthusiasm. Next up, our two candidates for school president. Each will have 3 minutes to deliver their speeches and we will begin with, JT Yorke. (Applause)
(JT goes to the mike.)
JT: Ladies and gentleman, it's a long year. You gotta vote for me. You need something to laugh at. Now if I could just say a few words about my presidential platform, this speech would be a whole lot shorter. But, seriously, if there's one thing I've learned in my zero years of political experience, well, it's nothing.
Toby: Ashley! (She ignores him) Ashley!
(She gets up and goes out the door.)
Ashley: What?
Toby: You bribed JT.
Ashley: No I didn't.
Toby: Yes you did. I saw the money. It's corruption.
Ashley: Oh, how thrilling. You learned a new word.
Toby: Oh you want thrilling? Wait'll I go up on stage and tell everyone what you did.
Ashley: But, JT took the money.
Toby: No, he excepted it as evidence.
Ashley: You wouldn't.
Toby: Oh, I will. I'm heading up there and telling everyone what a fraud Ashley Kerwin is.
Ashley: Fine. My life's a disaster anyway. It might as well get worse.
Toby: Your life's a disaster?
Ashley: I want my mom to be happy and I've tired to be nice, but the moment you moved in, everything become all about you.
Toby: About me? Do you have any idea what's it like living in your house?
Ashley: Please! My mom dotes on you. She doesn't care what I feel, as long as you're happy.
Toby: What?
Ashley: And now I can't get away from you. You're everywhere: at home, at school, even in my campaign.
Toby: That's not true...
Ashley: I wanted just one thing that you couldn't take away from me. But you found a way. Please. Before you go up there and publicly humiliate me, just listen to my speech. Then decided if you don't think I deserve to be President.
[Inside Assembly]
JT: She's got the looks, she's got the brains, she's got the brains, she's got everything. Don't pity her; pity me. Thank you. Oh, and by the way, I quit the race for school prez. Vote Ashley. (Sits down)
Mr. R: Well that's rather interesting. JT, you sure? (He nods) Well, I still think we'd like to hear what Ashley has to say. Ashley? Ashley? (To JT.) We'll talk later.
[Outside Door]
Ashley: Please.
Mr. R (O.S.): Ashley?
[Kerwin House - Outside]
Ashley: No way!
Jimmy: Yeah, whatever, I'm not lying.
Ashley: Yeah, right. Well, thanks, uh, and I'll see you tomorrow. (They hug)
Jimmy: Congratulations, Ms. President.
(Jimmy leaves. Ashley walks over to Toby, who is sitting at a table.)
Ashley: So, is this what defeat looks like or just guilt?
Toby: Congratulations, Ashley.
Ashley: Yeah, whatever.
Toby: I mean it. Congratulations. You deserved to win.
Ashley: Ok, what have you done with the real Toby Isaacs?
Toby: it's not my fault JT's in trouble for riding the joke campaign. I should've never put him up to it.
Ashley: You're right. You shouldn't have.
Toby: Ash, I'm trying to apologize here. I knew it would drive you crazy. I just couldn't stop myself.
Ashley: You hate me that much?
Toby: Sometimes.
Ashley: I gotta admit sometimes I feel the same way about you. The fact is Toby, we have to live with each other in the same house and that sucks, right?
Toby: You can say that again.
Ashley: But does it have to such this much?
Toby: Maybe not.
Ashley: Maybe not. Are we bonding here?
Toby: Bonding? Us?
Ashley: Well, the first time in a month, I don't wanna rip your eyes out.
Toby: Wow, Dr. Fried would be so proud.


MUSIC IN:
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
JODY: It's a great neighborhood. Very quiet, very private. It has an oversized backyard. That's a big plus. The whole house has been newly renovated. There are upgrades all over the place. Stainless appliances, air-purification system. Total move-in condition. The furniture is rented, but if you like it, I can have the company make you a deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
(DOOR OPENS)
JODY: Amy, you are going to love the kitchen, but first I'm going to show you guys the living room. It has a wall-mounted flat screen and a gas log fireplace. You won't believe how easy this is. One push of a button. Isn't that cozy?
(SFX: FIRE LIGHTS)
(SFX: JODY GASPS/ SCREAMS)
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Make sure you capture the back of his head, too, if you would be so kind.
MCGEE: You got it.
JIMMY: Sorry!
MCGEE: (OVERLAP) Sorry!
DUCKY: There's no rush, gentlemen. Our patient isn't going anywhere.
MCGEE: Well, Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.
DUCKY: The old Gibbs?
GIBBS: McGee! Over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.
MCGEE: Okay. Um... you're not going to step on me, are you? Footprints! Footprints. Looking for footprints. It's a pretty tight weave.
DUCKY: It looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber, woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't mat, trap dust or build static. Makes it ideal for carpeting, but personally, I prefer a good shag. From a criminal-investigative standpoint.
MCGEE: I don't see any dirty footprints.
DUCKY: I think it's safe to assume that our friend didn't stroll in here on his own.
TONY: You look happy to see me, Boss! (BEAT) Oh, it's the coffee. Ran the military ID our local LEOs got off the body. Lance Corporal James Finn stationed at Quantico. Went UA when his unit was shipped to Iraq six months ago.
MCGEE: Looks like he's got a pretty good reason for not showing.
GIBBS: Find out where he was buried.
DUCKY: It won't be far, McGee. Had the trip been longer, some bits would have fallen off.
MCGEE: Okay, I'll check the backyard.
TONY: Scene's not going to sketch itself.
(F/X: JIMMY BUMPS INTO TONY)
(SFX: JIMMY GROANS)
DUCKY: Perhaps it would be better if you fetched the gurney, Mister Palmer. I've seen all I need to see here.
JIMMY: Yes, Doctor.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
TONY: It's a tidy crime scene.
DUCKY: Quite. It appears to be a body drop. A tertiary crime scene. Or quaternary. Or quinary. I could go on.
TONY: Oh, you did. It's an odd decorating choice. Although the corpse does give the place a certain lived-in look.
DUCKY: You can see, he brushed the dirt off his face.
TONY: Oh, geez!!
(F/X: TONY BUMPS INTO GIBBS)
TONY: Sorry.
DUCKY: Hello. (CHUCKLES) Nicrophorus americanus. Also known as the carrion beetle. Come here, you little monkey! Ah ah! Yeah, a reminder that Shakespeare got it wrong. We are not food for worms. It's the flies and beetles that feast upon us.
GIBBS: I'm more interested in why someone did this, Doctor.
DUCKY: Well, then I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior. But my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon.
TONY: That Master's in psych is starting to pay off, Ducky.
(SFX: DUCKY CHUCKLES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
JODY: Merciful God in Heaven! I have seen a lot of things selling real estate, but can you imagine walking in and seeing that?
ZIVA: When was the last time you were here?
JODY: Yesterday morning for a showing.
ZIVA: And everything was normal?
JODY: There was no rotting corpse in the living room if that's what you mean.
ZIVA: Who else had access?
JODY: A couple of dozen real estate women. The keys are in a lock box on the front door.
ZIVA: Who's the owner?
JODY: A local contractor... and me. I buy and Bob fixes. We split the profits.
ZIVA: Bob?
JODY: Robert Whitehead. The contractor.
ZIVA: A number where he can be reached?
JODY: Yeah.
ZIVA: So who put the body here? You or Bob?
JODY: Neither of us! You know, it is an empty house. If you're looking to ditch a body, that's a real plus.
RICK: Jody! I came as fast as I could. Are you okay?
JODY: It's my husband. I called him. (TO RICK) Just duck under the tape, Rick.
ZIVA: Stop! It's a crime scene!
RICK: Crime scene. Honey, you all right?
ZIVA: She's fine.
JODY: I am not fine. I had to cancel my one o'clock showing!
MCGEE: (V.O.) I think I found where he was buried...
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BACK YARD - DAY
MCGEE: I checked for footprints, but it rained last night. So everything is pretty washed out.
GIBBS: You got access?
MCGEE: Well, there's side access at street level. Chain link fence around the yard, but anyone with gloves could have scaled it.
ZIVA: Wait for me!
TONY: Did the real estate agent solve the big mystery?
ZIVA: No. But she owns the property with a contractor, and every real estate agent in town had access.
TONY: I think the mystery is how they expect to sell a house for six hundred grand when it only has two and a half bathrooms.
MCGEE: Well, you know what they say. Location, location.... location. So, judging from the marks around the edges, I'd say the digger used a garden spade. The soil is not real packed, so it would have been easy digging for a male or female.
GIBBS: You see that?
MCGEE: Black plastic bags.
TONY: Garbage bags.
GIBBS: Body bag. Get it back to Abby. Have a soil sample. I want ground-penetrating radar.
MCGEE: Uh, Boss, those techs are booked weeks in advance. I'm going to tell them it's an emergency, and I will not budge until they show.
GIBBS: Who's staying with McGee?
ZIVA: I can, if you want Tony to check out the other real estate women.
TONY: Fine with me.
GIBBS: Tony! Stay with McGee.
ZIVA: You shouldn't have licked your chops like a hungry wolf.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat, and sandalwood.
ZIVA: Good morning! What are you doing at my desk?!
TONY: I couldn't find my deodorant, so I used yours.
ZIVA: You, you didn't.
TONY: Yeah, we're partners. What's the big deal?
ZIVA: A hair!
TONY: Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles. You're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not going to feel bad. Those ground-radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very "Brokeback Mountain."
MCGEE: He had me at "Howdy."
ZIVA: How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.
MCGEE: Well, I can show it to you on my new phone. It takes video. Behold the majesty of the sun.
ZIVA: On a two inch screen? Are we all getting those?
MCGEE: Nope. I bought it.
ZIVA: Expensive?
MCGEE: Not really.
TONY: Ha! Yeah, really. You've been dropping a lot of cash lately, McGee. New phone, new watch, new teeth. What's up?
GIBBS: Ducky matched the dental records. The body downstairs is Lance Corporal Finn. Ziva, when did you - McGee! How long does it take to put on a clean shirt?
MCGEE: Ten seconds. With buttons a little longer. (BEAT) Rhetorical question.
ZIVA: Contractor's off the hook. He's been out of town for a week. Going to check on the real estate agents this morning.
TONY: That's all you did?
ZIVA: No, while you and McGee were watching the sunrise, I was pulling Lance Corporal Finn's SRB, and I have to say it was.... spotty. He was UNC on the range and failed his swim qual.
GIBBS: So they made him a supply clerk.
ZIVA: Right. Six months ago he signed out on a three day pass before deploying to Iraq, and he never returned home.
GIBBS: Get me his C.O.
TONY: He's in Iraq. (BEAT) I'll contact MTAC.
MCGEE: I've put in a request for Finn's bank records, earning statements, and medical records.
TONY: Night wasn't a total loss. Ground radar picked up a shovel about ten feet from the gravesite. Already sent it to Abby.
(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
MCGEE: Yep. The old Gibbs is back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
GIBBS: Do you see something, Abs?
ABBY: Beauty. I mean it's tragic, but if you were to see this tableau in a museum, you'd swear it was a brilliant commentary on the human condition.
GIBBS: What? A corpse staring at the TV set?
ABBY: It says it all.
GIBBS: Well, it doesn't say who put him there, or why?
ABBY: That's for us to find out. (GASPS) You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.
GIBBS: I've still got my eyebrows.
ABBY: Good point. I found Finn's blood, hair, and fingerprints on the plastic. So he was probably wrapped in it. But I didn't find any other prints on the plastic or the shovel.
GIBBS: Any chance of grabbing the gravedigger's sweat off the handle?
ABBY: After being underground, it's unlikely. Strange case, huh? I had this friend once that used to display road kill in his living room. He got an NEA grant --
GIBBS: Abby?
ABBY: Next I analyzed the soil. It's compost material, rocks, and small sticks. Nothing's over an inch long. That indicates it was processed through a screen.
GIBBS: Pretty clean for dirt.
ABBY: Well, it's a commercial product. But the house was just re-landscaped, so it's not surprising. I sent the acidity levels to Ducky. I then inventoried Finn's personal items.
GIBBS: Got anything with a date on it?
ABBY: Nope, sorry. No credit card or purchase receipts. I guess he was a cash guy. I mean, if you can call a guy with thirty-one dollars and seventy-one cents a cash guy. His clothes were Dockers from Sears. No judgments. The shirts are large, the shoes are off-brand. And his underwear are boxer/briefs, like you wear, Gibbs.
GIBBS: You're fishing, Abs.
ABBY: So, are they regular boxers? Trunks? Bikinis? Nothing?(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Mister Palmer, have you finished the chromatographic analysis of his volatile fatty acid?
JIMMY: Yes, Doctor.
DUCKY: Well, let's plug the numbers into the computer and see how long our friend has been leaking into the topsoil. Agent Gibbs will be here soon, and he will ask...
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: How'd the Lance Corporal die, Doctor?
DUCKY: How he died may take me a while. Try when did he die?
GIBBS: That's my next question.
DUCKY: That I can answer. It's a tricky calculation. One has to factor in temperature, soil acidity, and the variety and volume of insects who now call Lance Corporal Finn home.
GIBBS: Give me a round number.
JIMMY: Ninety-two days with a three percent margin of error.
DUCKY: It would appear you deserted before you died.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
ZIVA: Gibbs, Lance Corporal Finn's fiancé is upstairs. She saw a report in the local news last night.
GIBBS: How, Doctor?
DUCKY: As soon as I know, you'll know.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
ZIVA: Her name is Siri Albert. She's twenty-five.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: Lives in Manassas and works as a physical therapist.
TONY: Finn's fiancé is here. I put her in the conference room.
ZIVA: You did? I did!
TONY: No, I did.
ZIVA: His fiancé?
TONY: Yeah, his fiancé.
ZIVA: Tall. Light brown hair.
TONY: Red head.(DOOR OPENS)
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
SIRI: Someone has made a huge mistake. James isn't dead. He's been writing me letters from Iraq.
ZIVA: It's a common name.
SIRI: The news said he was born in Jackson, Pennsylvania. It's a small town.
ZIVA: That James Finn has been dead three months.
SIRI: He left for Iraq three months ago. I saw him the morning he went away, and I just got a letter from him last week. He says he misses me and he's working a lot.
GIBBS: We'll need those.
SIRI: Okay. But I want them back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
REBECCA: It's his handwriting. I recognize it. They've been coming for months. Now I want to know who that other woman is!?
TONY: We're not here to talk about that.
REBECCA: Is she saying that she's engaged to Jimmy, too? (LAUGHS) 'Cause if that's true, he'd better hope he's dead, or else I'll kill him!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
SIRI: James and I connected on a deep spiritual level. From then on, anytime he was in town, he was with me.
ZIVA: How often did you see him?
SIRI: He would come and go a lot, but I understood. That's how it is with Special Ops.
ZIVA: Lance Corporal Finn's record does not indicate he was involved with Special Operations.
SIRI: He said his missions were top secret. He wanted to tell me more, but he didn't want to put me in danger.
TONY: (V.O.) When did you last see...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: .... Lance Corporal Finn?
REBECCA: Six months ago, before he left for Iraq.
TONY: How'd you meet?
REBECCA: At a bar two years ago. I was there with some girlfriends, and when I got up to go to the lady's room, he blocked my path. Said he couldn't keep his eyes off of me.
MCGEE: And that worked?
REBECCA: What worked is that when we talked, he had something to say. Most guys won't shut up about their online war games. But this guy, he had seen real action. And I was feeling patriotic that night. So I invited him to come home with me. The s*x was fantastic.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: When did you two get engaged?
SIRI: About a week before he left. James wanted to borrow thirty thousand.
ZIVA: Did he tell you what the money was for?
SIRI: Gambling debts. And if he didn't pay, they were gonna hurt him.
GIBBS: Who?
SIRI: He said it was better if I didn't know, because of the danger.
REBECCA: (V.O.) Look!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
REBECCA: I didn't give him the money! I loaned it to him.
MCGEE: So you drew up a legal document?
REBECCA: No, but we had an oral agreement. I mean, he promised to pay me back... with interest! I mean, I maxed out all of my cards! So you better find that money!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: What was he like the last time you saw him?
SIRI: He was sweet. We made love right before he left.
GIBBS: Did he use a condom?
SIRI: I'm on the pill. (BEAT) We were engaged.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abs, can DNA still be recovered from Lance Corporal Finn's skivvies?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) It would take the ...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ...cooperation of weather and protection. He was wrapped in plastic, and it's been cold, so there's...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... a decent chance.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, run the tests. We'll do a cheek swab on his fiancés.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Wait.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Did you say fiancés? Like plural? Huh. Kinky! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
SIRI: Ah. Is that it?
ZIVA: For now, Siri. I need to follow you home and pick up his belongings.
SIRI: I want them back when James returns.
ZIVA: He's dead. He can't return.
SIRI: Look, I know he's not dead. I would feel it in my heart. We're soul mates.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(SFX: SIRI GASPS/CRIES)
SIRI: (CRYING) No.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Agent Lee, I need legal help. We have a suspect who's refusing a cheek swab.
LEE: I'll file for a DNA search warrant. What's the name?
TONY: Rebecca Kemp. I'll email you the info. Listen, do you miss working with us?
LEE: I think the legal department is more my speed. Why? Do you miss me?
TONY: Uh, sure. (TO GIBBS) Boss! Agent Lee is getting us our cheek swab.
GIBBS: Is Rebecca paranoid or guilty?
TONY: Uh, might just be angry. At Finn, us, and the world.
GIBBS: Go back with her to her apartment. Get Finn's stuff. And no, I don't want to wait for a search warrant.
(REBECCA SIGHS)
(ZIVA AND SIRI WALK INTO THE SQUAD ROOM)
ZIVA: I'll grab my coat. Wait at the elevator.
SIRI: Okay.
REBECCA: Hey, you! Where's my money!? Yeah, you! Did you and Jimmy spend it!?
SIRI: Please get away from me! I don't know you.
REBECCA: I am Jimmy's fiancé.
SIRI: James loved me!!
REBECCA: He used you.
SIRI: (SHOUTS) You liar!!
(SFX: GIRLS FIGHT/WRESTLE)
TONY: Chick fight!
REBECCA: Get off of me!(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIRLS FIGHTING)
SIRI: Get off! Get off of me!
ZIVA: Stop it!
GIBBS: Hey, get off her! Get off her!(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN)
(SFX: GIRLS SHRIEK B.G.)
GIBBS: Get up!!(SFX: REBECCA GASPS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: How'd this guy die, Doctor?
DUCKY: As I told you, when I know, you'll know.
GIBBS: Know faster.
DUCKY: Shaving off your mustache has brought back your usual impatience.
GIBBS: Good! That means I'm doing my job.
DUCKY: I do have a potential cause of death, but it's by no means airtight. You see this fracture?
GIBBS: Well, yeah. You're pointing right at it.
DUCKY: The brain revealed an epidural hematoma, verified by this CAT scan. Though it's far from massive. Statistically, it's only fatal in about seventeen percent of cases.
GIBBS: Blunt force trauma?
DUCKY: Most likely. We're looking at a baseball bat or a golf club. Perhaps wielded by a disgruntled fiancé.
GIBBS: You tell me how, I'll figure out who.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Intelligence has placed La Grenouille in Nairobi. That might mean a shipment to Somalia. We'll continue to monitor these activities. Just do your best.
GIBBS: Mission trouble?
SHEPARD: That's need-to-know. Initiate the video conference Special Agent Gibbs requested. (TO GIBBS) Have you figured out why somebody would unbury a body?
GIBBS: That's need-to-know.
SHEPARD: You can't pull that one with me, Jethro. I'm your boss.
TECHNICIAN: (V.O.) Iraq standing by, Ma'am.
STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I got your email concerning Lance Corporal Finn. I assume you've been over his SRB.
GIBBS: Yeah, we have, Skipper. We'd like to know what's not on the record.
STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) Finn wasn't one of my stronger Marines. Wasn't surprised he went U.A.
GIBBS: Did he have any enemies in the company?
STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) He was well-liked. Played poker. Not well, but covered his debts. Liked to talk about his sexual exploits in detail. You know how Marines love that.
GIBBS: How does a dead Marine stateside send letters home from Iraq?
STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I wondered about that myself. Get over here, Marine! Meet Lance Corporal Hagan... soon to be Private Hagan. Before deployment, Finn gave him... a couple hundred bucks to pop letters in the mail to two women. First batch started six months ago. The second three months later. Got enough to last the rest of our deployment.
GIBBS: I'm going to need those.
STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I'll send them on the next flight out.
SHEPARD: Two fiancées....is that a Marine thing?
GIBBS: Oh, that's need-to-know, too, Director.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
ABBY: Do you see it yet?
MCGEE: No.
ABBY: Keep looking!
MCGEE: Abby, I've been staring at this thing for five minutes. I don't see anything that I would consider to be art.
ABBY: But you took the picture!
MCGEE: Just because Ducky told me to. I'm sorry.
ABBY: That's okay. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.
MCGEE: Like Gibbs breaking up a chick fight?
ABBY: I can't believe I missed that!
MCGEE: Well, I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV?
ABBY: I hug and kiss technology!
(SFX: VIDEO PLAYS)
SIRI: (ON TAPE) You liar!!(SFX: GIRLS SHOUT B.G.)
ABBY: Oh, meow! Which one's Siri?
MCGEE: The one Gibbs is pulling off the other girl.
ABBY: It's always good to have a face to put with genetic material.
MCGEE: Did you get a match on her off of Finn's clothing?
ABBY: Yeah, but not just her. There's a party in Finn's pants. I found genetic material from two distinct females.
MCGEE: Siri and...
ABBY: The mystery woman.
MCGEE: That would explain why Rebecca refused a cheek swab. Told us she hadn't seen him in six months.
ABBY: Play it again.
MCGEE: Plus, Rebecca's got a lot of anger in her.
ABBY: Oh, I wouldn't assume Siri is innocent.
MCGEE: Why not?
ABBY: Look at the fight. Siri initiates it. She may not be as sweet as she looks.
GIBBS: (ON TAPE) Get off her!
ABBY: This is my favorite part.
GIBBS: Which part?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. EVIDENCE GARAGE - NIGHT
TONY: I was lucky to get out of Rebecca's apartment alive. She threw this at my head.
ZIVA: Wow. Finn was reading Moby Dick?
TONY: No, she was throwing it. I took it so she couldn't re-arm.
ZIVA: Okay, let's see what he had at Siri's place. Razor and a toothbrush.
TONY: Razor and a toothbrush.
ZIVA: Three pairs of white underwear.
TONY: Three pairs pinkish underwear.
ZIVA: One white sock with a gold toe.
TONY: Don't you hate it when you leave one black sock at one fiancé's house, and the other one at the other's house?
ZIVA: One pair of blue jeans.
TONY: One black mesh t-shirt. Do women really like these?
ZIVA: Depends on who's wearing it.
TONY: So if I'm--
ZIVA: No! It's not much to go on.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSE)
TONY: Only one place left to check. Ha ha!
ZIVA: Ha! Tony just put his hands in another man's pocket, and it made him very happy.
TONY: Found a pre-paid calling card.
GIBBS: That's it?
ZIVA: Yes.
GIBBS: No engagement rings?
TONY: Do you want those, too? (BEAT) I'll go to Siri's and get the ring, and any other gifts Finn might have given her. McGee, you've got Rebecca.
ZIVA: How could they have been so clueless?
GIBBS: Well, he's dead, so maybe they weren't.
(PHONE RINGS)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Officer David.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
JODY: (INTO PHONE) This is Jody Carvell. I am standing outside...
(SCENE CUT)
JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... Of the Larson Lane house.
(SCENE CUT)
JODY: (INTO PHONE) Are you aware that the police tape is still up?
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes, it's an ongoing investigation. (TO GIBBS) It's the real estate agent.
JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay...
(SCENE CUT)
JODY: (INTO PHONE) ....for how much longer? It costs me money every day I can't show...
(SCENE CUT)
JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... this house.
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes, but I...
JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) This is outrageous. You clearly don't get it.
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) No, I'm sorry--
JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) I would like to speak to your supervisor, if I could.
ZIVA: She wants to have a word with my supervisor.
(GIBBS HANGS UP THE PHONE)
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
MCGEE: Ms. Kemp, it's NCIS. We need to speak with you again.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Rebecca? Rebecca? What happened? Did you call nine one one? Hold on. (INTO PHONE) Yes, I've got a woman here who's shot, needs immediate medical attention!
(REBECCA GASPS)
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
ON MONITOR: Why would someone unbury a body?(SFX: KEYBOARDING)
TONY: (V.O./READS) "Why would someone unbury a body?" (ON CAMERA) I can answer that. To send the message. Like, "Hi, I'm dead." "Never get engaged to two women at the same time?"
ZIVA: It would be easier to just rent a billboard. Second question. (ON MONITOR) Where's the money?
TONY: (V.O.) Where's the money? (ON CAMERA) Ah! Maybe in Siri's engagement ring. I've got to bring this down to Abby.
ZIVA: I can save you an elevator trip.
(SFX: ZIVA EXHALES ON THE RING)
TONY: Oh, that's nice.
ZIVA: It's creating condensation. On a real diamond, that evaporates immediately.
TONY: It's staying.
ZIVA: Because it's a fake.
TONY: Give it one more try just to make sure.
ZIVA: I'm not blowing on you again! Question three.
TONY: (READS) Why buy a shovel?
ZIVA: Oops! No, sorry.
TONY: (READS) Why bury a shovel? Yeah, I have no answer to that idea. But here, how about this one?
(SFX: KEYBOARDING)
(ON MONITOR) Who is Darkman?
ZIVA: (READS) Who is Darkman?
TONY: That is the question. Liam Neeson in the nineteen-ninety cult classic directed by Sam Raimi about a mentally unstable scientist who seeks revenge.
GIBBS: You left out "Who Shot Rebecca?"
ZIVA: That was my next question.
TONY: Siri claims she was out walking at the time of the shooting. No witnesses. GSR test came back negative.
ZIVA: Even if Siri shot Rebecca, I don't think she killed Finn. I saw her face when she saw his body.
TONY: If Siri is innocent, she'd assume that Rebecca's guilty and she'd seek revenge.
ZIVA: Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb.
GIBBS: Well, you're not thinking like a jealous woman, Ziva.
MCGEE: They're keeping Rebecca in the hospital overnight. She lost a lot of blood, but the wound was through and through.
GIBBS: Anything on the shooter?
MCGEE: Said she didn't get a good look at her.
TONY: How'd she know it was a her?
MCGEE: Rebecca said she heard a female voice at the door. When she opened it, bang.
TONY: Siri.
MCGEE: Maybe not. When I went back to search Rebecca's place, I found this between couch pillows.
GIBBS: Rebecca shot herself.
MCGEE: I think so. She lost a lot today. Her fiancé, her life savings.
ZIVA: Her respect.
MCGEE: Could have been a failed suicide attempt.
TONY: Or a bid for sympathy.
ZIVA: Or an attempt to escape discovery that she had s*x with Finn the day he died.
TONY: What's your gut tell you, Boss?
GIBBS: Take your shirt off.
TONY: There we go.
MCGEE: Well, I know it's kind of messy...
GIBBS: Your shirt, McGee. Take it off now.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT)
GIBBS: Take it down to Abby. Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?
MCGEE: Rebecca's DNA. I need to borrow one of your shirts.
TONY: Are you afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?
MCGEE: Do not make me walk around like this all day. Come on, help me out.
TONY: All right, I can't resist a damsel in distress. Here. Take this. I'll get a fresh one.
ZIVA: Wow, it's just like Chippendale's.... without the bow ties or muscles.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
SHEPARD: Give me a second. I just have to finish this email to Kofi Annan.
GIBBS: Kofi can wait.
SHEPARD: What is it, Jethro?
GIBBS: The Finn case.
SHEPARD: Yes? You're lost on this one?
GIBBS: Puzzled. They barely knew Finn, yet they let him move in. Loaned him money.
SHEPARD: They trusted a man who took advantage them. If you're in a relationship and the other person is keeping secrets, how would you know?
GIBBS: You'd know.
SHEPARD: I didn't.
GIBBS: Who lied to you?
SHEPARD: You did! Not exactly lied, but you just didn't tell me the whole truth either.
GIBBS: You're comparing me to Finn?
SHEPARD: I'm just saying that you can be involved with someone without fully knowing them. How could you not tell me about your family?
GIBBS: Finish your email.
SHEPARD: You wanted my advice. Just don't be too hard on the fiancés. Finn duped them. And I shouldn't have brought up the past. I know you had your reasons for not wanting to talk about it.
(DOOR CLOSES)
GIBBS: We're talking about it now.
SHEPARD: Now is not Paris.
GIBBS: Your priorities were clear in Paris.
SHEPARD: I had a job to do in Europe.
GIBBS: If I had told you about my first wife, would it have made a difference?
SHEPARD: We'll never know, will we?
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) You went home early.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I stayed until twenty-one thirty.
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, that's early for you.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You called to talk about my work hours, Doctor Mallard?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) No, Agent Gibbs.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) I had a hunch which led me to trim--
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Lance Corporal Finn's nose hairs.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) I don't think he'd done it for some time. I discovered something under the microscope. Among the keratin proteins, I found translucent fibers of glass.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Fiberglass?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Exactly. He must have....
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... inhaled them in. I'd say most likely ...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...from insulation.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Maybe the house wasn't just a body drop.
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Oh, he's speaking softly...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) ...but Lance Corporal Finn has more to say.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
(SFX: GIBBS FLIPS HIS CELL PHONE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Ah, would you mind cleaning up, Mister Palmer?
JIMMY: Not at all, Doctor.
DUCKY: I know you've been putting in long hours recently.
DUCKY: Well, I appreciate the can-do attitude. Good night!
JIMMY: Good night, Doctor.
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/)
DUCKY: Agent Lee! You're working late.
LEE: Still organizing paperwork on the Weaton case, Doctor Mallard. I need the autopsy report.
DUCKY: What happened to the one I sent up to legal yesterday?
LEE: I'm afraid I shredded it by mistake.
DUCKY: Well, you must be more careful.
LEE: I know. I'm sorry, Doctor Mallard.
DUCKY: No worries.
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN)
DUCKY: I'm sure Mister Palmer will give you what you need.
LEE: Okay. Thank you!
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED)
(SFX: LIGHT CLICKS OFF)
(MUSIC OVER PASSIONATE KISSING)
(SFX: MOANS AND SQUEALS B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
WHITEHEAD:
WHITEHEAD: That's about how it looked three months ago. The living room floor is the last thing we closed up. (CONT.) We ran the AC ducts under this section. The damn inspector was weeks late.
GIBBS: Do you have security at night here, Bob?
WHITEHEAD: Not on a job this size. We used standard fiberglass insulation, CDX sub floor. Do you see something?
GIBBS: Yeah, your joist. Twenty-four inches on center. I'd have built it at sixteen.
WHITEHEAD: Then you wouldn't have made a profit.
GIBBS: That joist there look discolored to you?
WHITEHEAD: Could be mold.
GIBBS: Mold spreads from the bottom up.
TONY: Amido Black. On it, Boss.
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) We'll be there soon. (TO GIBBS) Boss, Abby ran the pre-paid phone card we found in Finn's pocket. It had only one call on it. It was to a self-storage company in Dale City, Virginia.
GIBBS: Good. Call the storage facility.
MCGEE: I did. I was just taking a breath. I called the self storage place. Finn paid for the unit in cash. Only signed in once. So I figure that Ziva and I should probably go down there and check it out. Sorry about the breath.
TONY: Kind of reminds me of Pacific Heights.
GIBBS: Don't tell me. A movie.
TONY: Yeah, interesting plot. Yuppie couple buys their dream house. And then the tenant from hell tries to destroy it. Michael Keaton's best work. It looks like organic material. Would a two by six match Finn's head injury?
GIBBS: Ducky thinks a blunt object hit his temple.
TONY: Or maybe his temple hit a blunt object? Which would have landed him nose first in this insulation.
JODY: Oh, my god! Bob! Why are you letting them destroy our property?
WHITEHEAD: They're cops, Jody.
GIBBS: What is she doing here?
WHITEHEAD: I called her. She should know what's going on.
JODY: Well, it's coming out of your profits, Bob!
WHITEHEAD: What a minute, Jody!
JODY: That sisal's expensive!
TONY: You need to calm down, Mrs. Carvell.
JODY: Calm down? I just found a dead guy in the living room. And I am losing money every day. Oh, and my father just died of leukemia, so don't you tell me to calm down!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SELF STORAGE UNIT - DAY
MCGEE: I'm thinking before we open this up, maybe we should rub some Vicks under our noses.(SFX: CAR BRAKING STOP)
ZIVA: I don't think we'll find a body.
MCGEE: I hope not. I hate that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. STORAGE UNIT - DAY
(SFX: STORAGE DOOR SLIDES OPEN)
ZIVA: Nothing?
MCGEE: Well, whatever Lance Corporal Finn was planning on putting in here, he didn't get a chance to.
ZIVA: McGee, give me your flashlight.
MCGEE: What, you didn't bring your own?
ZIVA: It's too heavy. It pulls my pants down. Now close the door.
(SFX: STORAGE DOOR SLIDES CLOSED)
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
ZIVA: To the right! To the right!
MCGEE: Yeah.
ZIVA: Just... more to the... more to the left.
MCGEE: I'm doing it. Okay.
ZIVA: Okay, hold it!
MCGEE: Yeah!(SFX: ZIVA GRUNTS)
ZIVA: Ah...
(SFX: MCGEE GRUNTS)
ZIVA: Ah, too small to hold a body.
MCGEE: Big enough to hold a head. (BEAT) Is that what I think it is?
ZIVA: Oh, yes. Gold.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
TONY: Hey, got another DNA sample to test. It's a rush job.
ABBY: Oh, should I put it in front of my other rush jobs?
TONY: Yes.
ABBY: Okay, I'll make it a rush rush job and I'll get right on it. Unless I get a rush rush rush job.
TONY: Thanks, Abs.
ABBY: Hey, um.. could you tell Gibbs that I got the results back from Rebecca's DNA. It does not match the genetic material in Finn's shorts.
TONY: That means we're....
ABBY: Looking for a third woman.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
DUCKY: Since you revisited the crime scene, I decided I want to revisit the body. Something is troubling me.
TONY: Me, too.
DUCKY: Oh, what's that, Tony?
TONY: Well, Finn had two entrees and still had room for dessert. Makes me wonder if there was anything, you know, special about him?
DUCKY: Like what? (BEAT) Oh, like that! Did he have extra women because he had something extra for the women? Well, take a look for yourself. Sadly, the first thing the maggots eat is the soft tissue. Still, you've given me an idea.
(SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN)
TONY: To vomit?
DUCKY: No, to reexamine the soft tissue. Thanks, Tony.
TONY: I do what I can. Ducky, is there anyway to psychologically "unsee" something?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: Finn's bag contained one hundred and twenty ounces of gold, worth about seventy-eight thousand, four hundred dollars at today's conversion rate.
GIBBS: Mint numbers?
MCGEE: We're tracing them now. The coins were purchased over the Internet in three batches. I should have the dates here in a moment.
ZIVA: We figured sixty thousand came from the fiancés and Finn must have tossed in the rest. (INTO PHONE) Officer David.
MCGEE: Okay, first batch of gold purchased nine months ago, and paid for with a money order. The second batch...
ZIVA: That was Abby. She was searching non-standard databases with the third woman's DNA. She got a hit on a bone marrow donor bank.
GIBBS: Pull it up.
ZIVA: That's not what I expected.
GIBBS: Her father died of leukemia. Pick her up. Take Dinozzo with you.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. FINN HOUSE - DAY
(SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
TONY: You interrogated her and didn't pick up she had s*x with Finn?
ZIVA: It was an interview, not an interrogation. And excuse me if my brain didn't go to the s*x place.
(SFX: CAR DOOR CLOSES)
TONY: Mine would.
ZIVA: I'm sure that's why you have a leg up on other investigators.
TONY: See? You say "leg up?" I instantly went to the s*x place.
(SFX: CAR ACCELERATES)
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Hey!
TONY: (SHOUTS) Hey! Pull over! Hey stop!
(SFX: TIRES SCREECH)
TONY: Stop!
(SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS)
JODY: I'm sorry. I need to go. I have a showing.
TONY: NCIS.
RICK: What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!(DOOR CLOSES)
ZIVA: She tried to rat on us.
TONY: She means rabbit.
ZIVA: Rabbit, yes!
JODY: I was in a hurry for a showing.
RICK: What? Are you arresting her?
TONY: We're taking her to NCIS to answer a few questions.
RICK: Well, I'm coming, too.
JODY: Rick, you don't have to come!
RICK: (OVERLAP) Jody, I'm your husband.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: So why didn't you tell us you knew Lance Corporal Finn.
JODY: I was afraid my husband would find out.
GIBBS: That you killed him?
JODY: I didn't kill James. It was an accident. He fell. He hit his head. I did not kill him. I loved him. I swear to God.
GIBBS: Do you have any idea how many murderers "swear to God" they didn't do it?
JODY: I come from a good Catholic family. When we swear to God, we mean it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
(DOOR OPENS)
DUCKY: Room for one more?
ZIVA: I haven't see you in observation for a while, Ducky.
DUCKY: I've learned as much as I can from the dead. It's time to listen to the living.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: You met in a bar.
JODY: Yes. How did you know that?
GIBBS: When?
JODY: Nine months ago.
GIBBS: Did you sleep with him that night?
JODY: No.
GIBBS: That's right. I forgot. You're from a good Catholic family. Did you sleep with him the second night? (BEAT) Your husband never knew.
JODY: I would tell him that I had a late showing, and I'd meet James at the house on Larson Lane. I know that that sounds immoral, but it is not what you think!
GIBBS: Well, let me guess. You have a deep, spiritual connection?
JODY: Exactly. I had already decided I was going to leave my husband. I just had to wait for...
GIBBS: Your father to die.
JODY: The way you say it -- it sounds horrible.
GIBBS: Oh, yeah. It is!
JODY: If Dad knew I was getting a divorce, he'd have disowned me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
ZIVA: She inherited two million dollars last month when Dad died.
DUCKY: Oh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: How about if you were a murderer?
JODY: I didn't kill James.
GIBBS: You buried him.
JODY: No. I did not even know that he was dead. I will admit that we had a fight. James wanted to borrow money, and I refused, and he got angry, and he said that we were through. He got up to leave. I just wanted him to stay. I uh... took his cigarettes...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOUSE - FLASHBACK
FINN: Give them back!
JODY: No!
FINN: Now!
JODY: Not unless you promise to--
(SFX: FINN GRUNTS)
JODY: James!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
JODY: I just got in my car and I drove for hours. I came back to check on him, see if he was okay. But...
GIBBS: He was dead, so you buried him.
JODY: No! James was gone. I thought that he was fine until I went to that house for the showing the other day. (CRYING) And there he was! And I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
ZIVA: Can Gibbs arrest God?
TONY: I don't know. It's like the Thing trying to bring in the Hulk.
DUCKY: She's telling the truth.
TONY: Where are you going?
DUCKY: To tell Gibbs.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
ZIVA: What do you think?
TONY: I'm glad the glass is bulletproof.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(DOOR OPENS)
DUCKY: Excuse me. Uh... could I have a word with you?
GIBBS: Working.
DUCKY: It's related and important.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(DOOR CLOSES)
DUCKY: She's telling the truth. (SFX: REBECCA B.G.)
GIBBS: God put the body there?
DUCKY: No. Someone who was playing God. She didn't bury him.
GIBBS: Is your gut telling you this?
DUCKY: I've been watching her. She feels guilt, empathy, remorse. That doesn't fit the psychological profile.
GIBBS: She's deceitful, conniving, an adulteress, which does.
DUCKY: I'm trying to give you my professional opinion.
GIBBS: Then tell me after I have finished interrogating the suspect.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Timothy, do you have a moment?
MCGEE: Well, actually, I'm watching Jody Carvell's husband.
DUCKY: Yes, I know. I want to have a word with him.
MCGEE: Sure.
DUCKY: Yeah, and for you to tape it with that new cell phone of yours.
MCGEE: Tape you?
DUCKY: No, no, no, no, no. Not me, him. Surreptitiously, of course.
MCGEE: Of course.
(MCGEE AND DUCKY WALK TO THE DESK)
MCGEE: Here you go, Mister Carvell.
RICK: Thank you.
MCGEE: Uh, this is our medical examiner, Doctor Mallard.
DUCKY: Call me Ducky. Everyone does.
RICK: Ah, Rick.
DUCKY: Strange, isn't it, Rick? Someone committed a murder. Standard. But then they covered it up. Standard. And then they uncovered it. Far from standard.
RICK: You think my wife was involved?
DUCKY: No. And that's the problem.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
JODY: James was a big man. There is no way that I could have picked him up and buried him.
GIBBS: Oh, that's easy. You roll him onto the plastic. You drag him out.
JODY: Without ruining these nails? Look at them. They are so perfect.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: I tried to convince Agent Gibbs that your wife was telling the truth. I'm afraid he doesn't believe me. Tell me, Rick, why does that please you?
RICK: What?
DUCKY: Well, you just flashed a slight reflective smile when I said that Gibbs didn't believe your wife.
RICK: I did not!
DUCKY: Timothy?
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE REVIEWS CAMERA FOOTAGE)
DUCKY: (V.O./RECORDED) I'm afraid he doesn't believe me. (ON CAMERA) I don't know if God was watching your wife and Finn that night, but you were.
RICK: My wife and the dead guy?
DUCKY: Yes. When your wife ran out of the house, you buried the body.
RICK: My god, man. Why would I do that?
DUCKY: Because you wanted the money. Well, you had to wait until her father died, before you could implicate her in the murder. But once she got her inheritance, you disinterred the body.
RICK: You have a vivid imagination, Ducky. But uh... imagination doesn't prove anything.
DUCKY: Yeah, you're quite right there. But evidence does. Ah, good. Abby, have you lifted the DNA from the shovel handle yet? You know, from the sweat we discovered on the handle?
ABBY: Oh, yeah! Right. I've got it running. I'm ready to check it. I just need a sample.
DUCKY: Well then, test it against the saliva on this.
RICK: You're right! I tried to cover up her murder, but I didn't kill him! That cheating bitch did!
MCGEE: Boss, Mister Carvell here admitted to Ducky he buried the body.
JODY: Oh, my God! It was you?!
RICK: Who else cleans up your messes? I was watching the two of you from the window.
JODY: You watched us make love?
RICK: That's not what I'd call it.
GIBBS: Then what happened?
RICK: They had a fight. She hit him on the head, and she ran.
JODY: Rick. He's lying!
RICK: All I did was bury him.
DUCKY: Oh, I'm afraid you did a bit more than that.
RICK: Right. I unburied him.
MCGEE: Sit down.
DUCKY: A reexamination of the conjunctival and facial tissues reveal petechial hemorrhages suggesting asphyxia. So I looked for atelextasis in his lungs, which results from shallow breathing due to an obstruction, such as plastic. And there it was. Lance Corporal Finn was buried alive.
RICK: He was dead! I know he was dead!
JODY: You b*st*rd! You killed him!
GIBBS: Ziva, get her out of here. McGee, handcuff him and get a sworn statement!
JODY: (SHOUTS) I hope you fry!
RICK: (SHOUTS) Go to hell! Go to hell.
ABBY: Wow. I've got to come up here more often.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN)
(ZIVA BUMPS INTO GIBBS/MOANS)
ZIVA: Gibbs! I screwed up.
GIBBS: Well, yeah. You almost spilled my coffee.
ZIVA: When Tony and I ran out to pick up Jody, I left Finn's bag of gold by my desk...
GIBBS: Hm-hmm.
ZIVA: I know I should have taken it to evidence, but we were focusing on--
GIBBS: Here's the inventory.
ZIVA: You took it to evidence! It says here the bag contained eighteen thousand dollars worth of gold. We are sixty thousand dollars short. (BEAT) You gave Siri and Rebecca back the money they loaned Finn.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS CLOSE)
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
(GIBBS AND ZIVA WALK INTO THE SQUAD ROOM)
GIBBS: I thought I'd save the courts some paperwork.
ZIVA: You wouldn't be getting soft? Of course, not. You shaved your mustache.
MCGEE: Boss, reception called this morning. They said that someone is here with information about - sorry - about a case. I went to meet her and um... this is Jessica Coleman. James Finn's fiancé.


Originally written by Chris Brown. Transcribed by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]
ROSS: And here's little Ben nodding off...
MNCA: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
PHOE: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
RACH: Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
[Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.]
ROSS: [quietly] That would be nice.
[Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.]
RACH: Pardon?
CHAN: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated]
[Joey is looking at his check.]
JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
CHAN: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.
JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
CHAN: [sigh]... And where's this money coming from? [gives money to Joey]
JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research.
ROSS: [overhearing] What kind of research?
JOEY: Oh, just, y'know.... science.
ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. [everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over]
JOEY: [sigh]... It's a fertility study.
[Rachel laughs.]
MNCA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
ROSS: Hey.
PHOE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
Credits
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]
MNCA: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...
PHOE: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... [hands meat to Monica]
[Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.]
CHAN: [in a deep voice] Men are here.
JOEY: We make fire. Cook meat.
CHAN: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
MNCA/PHOE: Ewww!
MNCA: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
JOEY: Oh, OK.
PHOE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone?
JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
MNCA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
MNCA: Man's got a point.
JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have s*x with me.
CHAN: Crazy bitch.
JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
MNCA: Joey... we always know what you mean.
[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
ROSS: Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags]
PHOE: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
ROSS: I'm going to China.
PHOE: Jeez, you say one thing, and...
MNCA: You're going to China?
ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um... here's a picture of me... [hands it to Monica]
PHOE: Oh, let me see! [takes the picture]
ROSS: [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
MNCA: Yeah.
[Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.]
PHOE: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
ROSS: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
MNCA: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
ROSS: Oh. [pause] Hey, who's Carl?
MNCA: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
ROSS: No.
PHOE: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the--
ROSS: At the coffeehouse, right.
PHOE: So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry.
ROSS: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
PHOE: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
[Ross goes outisde on the balcony.]
ROSS: Hi.
JOEY: Hey!
CHAN: Hey!
ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China.
JOEY: The country?
ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
CHAN: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.
ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
CHAN: Forget about her.
JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
CHAN: Course there, they just call it food.
ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel]
JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.
ROSS: I know.
JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug]
CHAN: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
[Time lapse. Melanie (MELN), Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
JOEY: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
CHAN: [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity]
MNCA: [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
RACH: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room]
[Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.]
MNCA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I--
[Monica rolls her eyes.]
JOEY: Then you do. Heh, heh.
MNCA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
JOEY: What do you mean?
MNCA: Y'know, just be there for her.
[Long pause... Joey looks confused.]
JOEY: Not following you.
MNCA: Think about it.
[They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.]
RACH: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
[Melanie smiles.]
RACH: Well, thank you, Melanie.
CHAN: [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me.
RACH: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light... [shakes it]...it rattles... it's... [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him]
[Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.]
RACH: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...[opens it]...it's a book!
PHOE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
JOEY: [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times.
MELN: There is a little child inside this man!
CHAN: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
[Rachel picks up the next gift.]
RACH: Who's this from?
CHAN: Oh, that's Ross's.
RACH: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered.
PHOE: Remembered what?
RACH: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
CHAN: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game]
PHOE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
MNCA: I can't believe he did this.
CHAN: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
[Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.]
RACH: What did you just say?
CHAN: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
RACH: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
CHAN: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin....
RACH: Oh.... my God.
CHAN: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no....
JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.]
RACH: I mean, this is unbelievable.
PHOE: I know. This is really, really huge.
CHAN: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
PHOE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
CHAN: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
MNCA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
RACH: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
RACH: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. [gets up to leave]
CHAN: [quickly] H-He's in China!
JOEY: The country.
MNCA: No, no, wait. [checks Ross's itinerary] His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.
CHAN: What about the time difference?
MNCA: From here to the airport?
CHAN: Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You're never gonna make it!
MNCA: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
RACH: I-I-I don't know.
CHAN: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
JOEY: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
MNCA: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
RACH: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.
PHOE: Here, look, alright, does this help?
[Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.]
RACH: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. [opens door]
CHAN: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves]
[Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant (FLGT) is there.]
ROSS: [something in Chinese]
FLGT: Alright!
ROSS: Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway]
[Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.]
RACH: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....
[Rachel gets up to the jetway.]
FLGT: Hi!
RACH: Hi.
FLGT: May I see your boarding pass?
RACH: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
FLGT: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
RACH: No, I know, but I--he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...
FLGT: No no no! Federal regulations!
RACH: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.
FLGT: Alright. What's the message?
RACH: Uh... I don't know.
[Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
FLGT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
MAN: [confused] What?
FLGT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.
MAN: [to wife]: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.
[Scene: Joey's bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.]
MELN: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!
JOEY: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.
MELN: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest]
JOEY: [panicked] Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
MELN: [surprised] M-Me again?
JOEY: Sure! Why not?
MELN: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
[Joey starts to kiss her.]
MELN: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
JOEY: How do you mean?
MELN: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
RACH: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
PHOE/MNCA: Sure.
RACH: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
MNCA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!
PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
MNCA: Another good point.
PHOE: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
RACH: [confused] Huh?
PHOE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
MNCA: Why isn't it working out?
RACH: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
MNCA: Is he not cute enough for you?
RACH: No!
MNCA: Does he not make enough money?
RACH: No, I'm just....
PHOE: Maybe there's someone else.
RACH: Wha--
MNCA: Is there? Is there someone else?
RACH: No! There is.. there is noone else!
MNCA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]
CHAN: Hey, big--
JOEY: Shhhh!
CHAN: [quietly] --spender.
JOEY: She's still asleep.
CHAN: So how'd it go?
JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?
CHAN: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.
JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
CHAN: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.
CHAN: I didn't know you had another level.
JOEY: I know! Neither did I!
[Scene: Monica's apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]
MNCA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
RACH: Yeah.
MNCA: Oh, from who?
RACH: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
MNCA: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
RACH: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this--this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
MNCA: Oh, why?
RACH: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna--
MNCA: [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
RACH: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...
MNCA: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
[Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.]
RACH: Who is it?
VOICE: It's me, Carl.
RACH: C'mon up.
MNCA: Behind my brother's back? [Rachel glares at her] ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]
JOEY: Seven hundred bucks!
CHAN: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?
JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
CHAN: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.]
[Scene: The balcony of Monica's apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
CARL: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!
[Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross--a figment of Rachel's imagination-- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.]
ROSS: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
RACH: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
ROSS: Fine, just stop thinking about me.
[She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.]
ROSS: Can't do it, can you?
RACH: So I'm thinking about you. So what?
ROSS: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
RACH: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
CARL: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
ROSS: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
RACH: Ross, it's too hard.
ROSS: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
RACH: Ross, you're like my best friend.
ROSS: I know.
RACH: If we broke up, and I lost you...
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?
RACH: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
ROSS: [pause] No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?
RACH: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
ROSS: Well, start looking.
[They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.]
RACH: Wow.
CARL: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
RACH: Right! You're right!
CARL: Heh... y'know?
RACH: You know what?
CARL: What?
RACH: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... [gives him her drink] I mean--I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
[Rachel leaves.]
CARL: But...
[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]
RACH: [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
[Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
MAN: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!
[A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.]
ROSS: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
[Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman (JULIE) kiss.]
JULIE: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
ROSS: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
JULIE: Really?
ROSS: Yeah.
JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh...
ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait.
ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you.
[Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]