Ryan: [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What?
Jim: Oh, nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What?
Jim: Oh, nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Spamster!
Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?
Michael: Hamster.
Pam: Right.
Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Pam: It was great.
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Mm-hm.
Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!
Pam: What?
Michael: Wow! What happened in there?
Pam: I don't know.
Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?
Pam: [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know.
Michael: Is it a bird?
Pam: No, I don't think it's a bird.
Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet.
Kevin: What's goin' on?
Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.
Kevin: [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit.
Michael: Check it out.
Kevin: Me?
Michael: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.
Kevin: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Michael: What is it?
Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door]
Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is.
Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long.
Pam: Open the door up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: It smelled terrible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly]
Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
Toby: That's no burst pipe.
Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then?
Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office]
Dwight: [coughing] It's still stinky.
Michael: That is worse.
Dwight: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey! Welcome back!
Pam: Thanks!
Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?
Pam: A little.
Jim: Good! What's goin' on here?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow.
Pam: [giggles at Roy]
Michael: [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael: Oh... It's ...
Jim: But there's definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah ...
Jim: ...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing.
Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergy to... the desk?
Kelly: [shaking head] Weird.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen.
Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Michael: Don't ape me.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: This is great.
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: The pressures of my office are insane.
Dwight: [agreeing] Mm.
Michael: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.
Dwight: No way!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: And who had your office?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You know who used to sit at that desk?
Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Dwight: No!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I thought he was out on the road.
Michael: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.
Dwight: Ah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?
Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for?
Michael: Charley horse!
Creed: What?
Michael: Charley horse!
Creed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.
Michael: Oh, okay. Gah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...
Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim: It's the lever on the side.
Ryan: That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves]
Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim: No, I don't think I can...
Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [whispering] Dwight.
Dwight: [whispering] Michael.
Michael: Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight: What?
Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey guys.
Oscar: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Ahem. What's up?
Oscar: Hey, Dwight.
Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!
Dwight: Yeah! [laughing]
Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]
Dwight: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?
Michael: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Watch out, Pam. You're next!
Pam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground?
Michael: Maybe!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Jethro Tull...
Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't.
Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael: All right.
Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon.
Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.
Pam: Yeah, right.
Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something.
Pam: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding?
Roy: No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hi, guys.
Angela: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Michael: I'm just walking around.
Angela: Were you?
Michael: Well, yeah.
Oscar: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael.
Michael: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis: You're gonna compete against us?
Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
Dwight: It is so on!
Michael: God, this is gonna be fun.
Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]
Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing?
Michael: [stops dance] Nothing.
Roy: [laughing] I think he's dancing.
Michael: No. Just ...
Darryl: That was definitely not dancing.
Michael: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just...
Darryl: Paper business.
Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done?
Roy: Nope.
Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it?
Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.
Pam: That doesn't seem fair.
Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight: But you're the one who picked today.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey!
Ryan: What's up?
Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward.
Ryan: What?
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool.
Jim: Are you interested in her?
Ryan: Yeah, totally.
Jim: Really?
Ryan: Did she say something?
Jim: She said lots of things.
Ryan: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim: I have no idea.
Ryan: Can you find out?
Jim: Yeah. Sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back.
Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.
Ed: So, what's the problem with my pension?
Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed: Well, what was done?
Michael: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.
Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael: Really?
Ed: Yeah.
Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed: You can't expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael: Well... s-sure I can.
Ed: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed: I'm not sure that ever happens.
Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim: Yep.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [on phone] Yes.
Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?
Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael: Really?
Packer: Yeah.
Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Packer: Left it in the middle of your office.
Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy: You mean the thing?
Packer: [laughs uproariously]
Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh!
Packer: Special delivery!
Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.


"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name...Merlin."
CAVE - DAY
Nimueh (spell): Berbay odothay arisan yeldo ("Command thee arise ancient").
Nimueh places a magic egg into water. It travels through underground waterways to a manmade cavern. She watches Camelot from her water basin.
Nimueh (spell): Bebiede þe arisan ealdu ("I command you, ancient one, to come forth").
LOWER TOWN - DAY
Gaius and Merlin look over a corpse in the street.
Merlin: Aren't you scared?
Gaius: Of what?
Merlin: That you might catch whatever it is.
Gaius: I'm the court physician, Merlin. This is part of my job. Most of the time there's nothing really to be scared of. Gaius turns over corps to reveal white skinned, white eyed face.
Merlin: You were saying?
Gaius: People mustn't see this. They'll panic.
GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY
Gwen and her father get ready at home.
Gwen: Dad, here's your sandwich.
Tom: Ooh. Mmm, what's in it?
Gwen: It's smoked pigeon. But I'd say there's more smoke than pigeon.
Tom (laughs): You're such a good girl to me.
Gwen: And I've done you some watercress soup tonight.
Tom: Don't tell me, with more water in it than cress? Gwen laughs and they hug.
Gwen: I'll see you later.
Tom: 'Kay. Bye.
KING'S PALACE, DRAWBRIDGE - DAY
Merlin and Gaius wheel the body over the castle drawbridge. Gwen approaches carrying the flowers she had at home.
Gwen: What are you doing?
Merlin: Er...just moving something.
Gwen: Looks heavy.
Merlin: Er, it's nothing really. Er...someone got you flowers?
Gwen: Oh! No (giggle) Would you like one? A purple one. Purple suits you. Not that I'm saying red doesn't suit you.
Merlin: Thanks. Well, er... Merlin sticks the flower in his scarf.
Gwen: Aww.
Merlin: Er...see you.
Gwen: Bye.
KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Gwen enters with flowers.
Morgana: You look happy.
Gwen: I picked these for you.
Morgana: Oh, that's so sweet.
Gwen: Something to cheer you up. I know you're not sleeping well.
Morgana: You cheer me up.
Gwen: Would you like me to put them in water for you?
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Merlin and Gaius looking at body with magnifying glass.
Gaius: I've never seen anything like this before.
Merlin: Do you think it could be some kind of plague?
Gaius: No. I fear that something like this could never come from nature. But who has this kind of power?
Merlin: You think it's caused by magic?
Arthur: Merlin! Merlin opens door before Arthur can come in and see the body.
Merlin: Erm...I'm on my way. Sorry I'm late.
Arthur: Don't worry. I'm getting used to it. Arthur furrows his eyebrows when he sees the flower in Merlin's scarf. Merlin looks down at it.
Merlin: Oh, er...Gwen, she gave it to me.
Arthur: Tell Gaius my father wants to see him now.
Merlin: Okay. Merlin closes the door.
Merlin: Gaius...
Gaius: I heard.
Merlin: Wait, why couldn't he just tell you himself?
Gaius: 'Cause that's the way it is. You're a servant.
Merlin: Wha...if he knew who I was, what I've done...
Gaius: You'd be a dead servant. Right, get this covered up.
Merlin: Hey, I'm not your servant.
Gaius: No, you're my dogsbody. Come on, hurry up.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Gaius examines a magically dead servant on the floor.
Uther: What's happened to him?
Gaius: I don't know, Sire. It's the second case I've seen today.
Uther: Why didn't you report it to me?
Gaius: I was attempting to find the cause.
Uther: What did you conclude?
Gaius: I don't think it's time to hurry to conclusions. A scientific process is a long one.
Uther: What are you concealing from me?
Gaius: Sire, I have seen nothing like it. The victims are dying in 24 hours, and it's spreading fast.
Uther: What is the cause?
Gaius: I think you should say that the cause, the most likely cause, is sorcery. Uther pulls Arthur aside.
Uther: We must find who did this.
Arthur: I will, father.
Uther (scared whisper): Conduct door to door searches. Increase your presence in the town. Double the guards on all the gates. And lend the physician your servant.
Arthur: Merlin? But...
Uther: I'm going to need Gaius to find a cure. He needs all the help we can give him. If Gaius is right, believe me, this city will be wiped out. This is the kind of magic that undermines our authority, challenges all we've done. If we cannot control this plague, people will turn to magic for a cure. We have to find this sorcerer, and quickly.
Arthur: Yes, father.
TOWN - DAY
Arthur and guards search the city. Merlin and Gaius walk through town. Merlin sees a sick person
Merlin: Gaius? Gaius. He's still alive.
Gaius: I'm afraid there's nothing we can do for him.
Merlin: But we haven't tried.
Gaius: If we don't know what a disease is, then how can we cure him?
Merlin: With magic.
Gaius: Have a look. They're suspicious of everyone.
Merlin: This is not the time to be using magic. Science will lead us to the source of the disease.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS
Gaius heats a vial of liquid.
Merlin: What are you doing?
Gaius: I'm examining the contents of that man's stomach.
Merlin: Will that tell you who did it?
Gaius: No, but it might tell us how it's spread. One thing I do know, this is magic of the darkest kind.
Merlin: Why would someone use magic like that?
Gaius: Magic corrupts. People use it for their own ends.
Merlin: But not all magic is bad. I know it isn't.
Gaius: It's neither good nor bad. It's how you use it. Arthur and guards burst in
Arthur (to guards): Over there (to Gaius) Sorry Gaius, we're searching every room in town.
Gaius: What for?
Arthur: A sorcerer.
Gaius: But why would he be here?
Arthur: I'm just doing my job.
Gaius: We've nothing to hide. Go on, then. Search.
Arthur: All these books and papers?
Gaius: My life's work, dedicated to the understanding of science. You are quite welcome to read through them if you wish.
Arthur: What's this room up here?
Merlin: Er...it's mine.
Gaius: And what do you expect to find in there?
Arthur: I'm looking for material or evidence suggesting the use of enchantments.
Gaius: What've you done with the magic book I gave you? Merlin looks worried. Arthur enters his room.
Arthur: Merlin, come here. Look what I found. Merlin runs into his messy room expecting Arthur to be talking about the magic book
Arthur: I found a place where you can put things. It's called a cupboard. Merlin spots book on the floor and magically covers it with his bed sheet. Arthur looks under the bed, but misses the book and exits Merlin's room.
Arthur: How long do you think it may be before you find a cure?
Gaius: It depends on how many interruptions I get.
Arthur: Of course, I'm sorry (to guards) We're finished here. They exit. Gaius closes the door.
Gaius: We have to hide that book.
Merlin: No. We must use it.
Gaius: Don't be stupid.
Merlin: If I have this legacy then what is it for? You keep telling me it's not for playing tricks.
Gaius: You want to practice magic when the King is hunting for sorcerers? Are you mad? Merlin, your life is destined for more important things.
Merlin: But if I don't practice, then how will I get to be this great warlock?!
Gaius: There will come a time when your skills will be recognised.
Merlin: When?! How long do I have to wait?
Gaius: Patience is a virtue, Merlin.
Merlin: Sitting by and doing nothing, that's a virtue?
Gaius: Your time will come.
Merlin: I could cure that man we saw.
Gaius: I know it's tempting to use the way you find easiest, Merlin...
Merlin: It is when it would save a life.
Gaius: It's no good just saving one person. We have to discover how this illness is spreading.
Merlin: Arthur is out there right now looking for the sorcerer!
Gaius: A sorcerer who's powerful enough to do this will never be found searching the town.
Merlin (sigh): So what can we do?
Gaius: Hope that science can find the answer before it kills us all.
CAVE - DAY
Nimueh watches the beast she has sent in her stone basin. A woman draws water from the spout in the Lower Town. covered bodies are lined up in the courtyard.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Arthur enters. Uther is here.
Arthur: We searched everywhere, the entire city.
Uther: Nothing?
Arthur: I don't know where else to look.
Uther: I want you to impose a curfew. No one is to be allowed onto the streets after the great bell.
Arthur: Father?
Uther: And cordon off the lower town
Arthur: Why?
Uther: Because that's where most of the victims are. Let's isolate it, stop this disease from spreading.
Arthur: What about the people who live there?
Uther: Don't you think I haven't considered it? What else can I do? I have to protect the rest of the city. Arthur bows and exits.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS
Gaius and Merlin examine another corpse.
Gaius: What's different about this victim?
Merlin: Er...she's a woman.
Gaius: Sometimes I do wonder whether you're a magical talents were given to the right person. Anything else?
Merlin: Erm...she's a courtier.
Gaius: Ah.
Merlin: How does that help us?
Gaius: Courtiers seldom go down to the lower town. So what does that mean?
Merlin: Erm....that, that she hasn't spoken to any townspeople.
Gaius (looks pained): Yes, it suggests that the disease is not spread by contact.
Merlin: Oh, and they probably ate different food.
Gaius: Good. Anything else?
Merlin: Erm...I doubt they breathe the same air.
Gaius: So what's the only thing they do share?
Merlin: Water. Water? You think the disease is spread through water?
Gaius: Merlin, you're a prodigy. Gaius hands Merlin a bucket. Merlin walks to Lower Town well.
GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY
Gwen ties her cloak.
Gwen: It's time to get up, Dad...Dad? She turns him over.
Tom: Gwen. Tom is magically sick. Gwen panics and runs to the castle crying, passing Merlin at the well.
Merlin: Gwen? Gwen! Merlin grabs the bucket of water and runs after her.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Gwen enters.
Gaius: Gwen!
Gwen: Gaius.
Gaius: You have the sickness?
Gwen (shakes her head): My father! Please, Gaius, he's all I have.
Gaius: Gwen, I have no cure.
Gwen: I am begging you!
Gaius: I wish there was something, anything, but so far the remedy is beyond what I can achieve (takes her hand) I'm sorry, Gwen. She runs out of the room.
Merlin: There must be something we can do.
Gaius: My best. Let's hope that this can provide some answers.
Merlin: But that'll be too late for Gwen's father.
Gaius: I fear you may be right. Gaius puts some of the water in a jar, and places a flower in it. Merlin goes to his room.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT
Merlin checks on snoring Gaius, pulls out his magic book, and sneaks past the guards.
Guard 1: What about over...in there?
Guard 2: Certainly, Sir. Guards poke spears into haystacks. A guard approaches Merlin's hiding spot.
Merlin (spell): Onstyrian, onbregdan. The door across the street creaks open. A guard nears and the door hits him in the face. Merlin goes to Gwen's house. Gwen and Tom are sleeping. Merlin puts a poultice under Tom's pillow and performs a spell "þu fornimst adl fram guman" He exits and watches them outside the door. Tom wakes and touches Gwen's head, which is resting on his bedside.
Gwen: Father?
Tom: Gwen.
Gwen (realizes Tom is well): What's happened? I can't believe it! She hugs her father.
CAVE
More covered bodies are laid out in the Square. Nimueh continues watching in her stone basin
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Arthur reaches for the glass vial containing the tainted water with a flower in it.
Gaius: Don't touch it! I had this in the water for no more than a few hours.
Uther: Where's the water from?
Gaius: The pump from where the people take their daily supply.
Arthur: We have to stop the people from using it.
Gaius: The city cannot survive without water.
Uther: We have to find this sorcerer!
Arthur: I don't believe that they're inside Camelot.
Uther: Then extend the search to the villages!
Arthur: We've started, but I can't search the entire kingdom.
Uther: And I can't stand by and watch our people dying. Arthur nods and exits
KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Merlin enters. Gwen hums as she gathers Morgana's clothes.
Merlin: How's your father? Is he feeling better?
Gwen: Yeah, it's incredible. It's a miracle.
Merlin: His skin's clear, back to normal?
Gwen: Yes
Merlin: Great. He beams and turns to leave.
Gwen: You don't seem surprised.
Merlin: No, no, I am. It's a miracle.
Gwen: But how did you know he was well?
Merlin: Er...because you're smiling.
Gwen: That's really weird because I haven't told anyone, but you know. How could you know?
Merlin: Yeah. Alright. You finally found out, I'll tell you (swallows) I'm psychic.
Gwen (giggle): No you're not.
Merlin: It's true.
Gwen: Alright, what am I thinking?
Merlin: That I'm not psychic.
Gwen (giggle): You're strange. I, I don't mean that in a nasty way. You're just funny. I like that.
Merlin: Erm, er, I 'm pleased for you.
Gwen: Thank you.
Merlin: What for?
Gwen: Don't know...just for asking.
Merlin: I didn't like to see you upset. I have to...get on. Merlin waves awkwardly. Gwen waves back. Merlin leaves. Gwen smiles.
BLACKSMITH'S - DAY
Tom works at his forge. Townspeople watch him. Arthur approaches with guards.
Arthur: The story is you were sick.
Tom: Not anymore.
Arthur: Perhaps you were suffering from some other ailment?
Tom: Oh, you're joking. I felt like death itself, not enough strength in me to stir the air.
Arthur: Then...what happened?
Tom: Oh, I don't know. Suddenly it was gone. I'm fitter than I was before.
Arthur: That's remarkable. Was anybody with you when all this happened?
Tom: Just my daughter, Gwen. Arthur leaves and Tom goes back to work. Arthur and guards search Gwen and Tom's house. Guard finds glowing poultice.
KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Gwen hums as she carries away a vase full of dead flowers. Arthur and guards enter.
Arthur: Seize her!
Gwen: No!
Arthur: Guinevere, I'm arresting you for crimes and contraventions of the laws of Camelot, that you did practice enchantments. Morgana enters.
Morgana: Gwen?
Gwen: But what have I done? I haven't done anything! Help me, please!
Morgana (to Arthur): What are you doing?
Arthur: I found a magic poultice in her house.
Morgana: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Arthur: Then how else do you explain her father's recovery?
Morgana: Well, she's innocent! I know she's innocent.
Arthur: What can I do? I can't turn a blind eye! Arthur exits and Morgana scoffs.
KING'S PALACE, UPPER CORRIDOR - DAY
Arthur and guards drag Gwen down the corridor.
Gwen: No, please. You've got to listen to me! Please, I haven't done anything wrong! You have to listen to me, please! I am innocent, I swear! Let me go! I swear to you! Gwen turns her head and sees Merlin approaching her.
Gwen: Merlin! Merlin, please help me! (to guards) Why won't you listen to me?! Gaius takes Merlin's arm and escorts him out.
Gwen: Please listen to me!
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Merlin and Gaius enter and Gaius slams the door.
Gaius: What've you done?!
Merlin: What?
Gaius: I warned you! Oh, I understand. You thought you were doing good.
Merlin: I couldn't let her father die knowing I could cure him.
Gaius: Didn't you think it might look a bit suspicious, the curing of one man?
Merlin: Well then, all I have to do is...I'll cure everyone! No one will ever have to know it was magic.
Gaius: It's too late! They think Gwen's a sorceress! They think she caused the disease!
Merlin: But she didn't! (rushes to leave).
Gaius: Oh, and how are you going to prove that?! Merlin stops to think, then leaves.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Gwen is brought before Uther on the charge of witchcraft
Gwen: Please listen to me I have done nothing, please! I swear I haven't done anything! Guards drop her on the floor.
Uther (to Arthur): Well done.
Gwen: Why will no one believe me?! He got better, he just recovered. I didn't do anything! Morgana enters.
Morgana: I believe you. Perhaps this is a disease that is not always fatal. Have you thought of that? Perhaps he recovered naturally.
Uther: And what of this poultice that was found?
Gwen: What poultice? I don't know anything about a poultice!
Uther: It was found in your house. Undo this enchantment. Put an end to this contagion.
Gwen: I can't!
Uther: I will show you no mercy.
Gwen: I am not a witch. I don't know how to stop the illness!
Uther: If you will not undo your sorcery, you force my hand and I must find you guilty...
Gwen: But I told you, I...
Uther: It is therefore my duty to pronounce judgment. And under the circumstance I have no choice but to sentence you to death.
Gwen: No!
Uther: I can only hope that when you die, this evil plague dies with you.
Gwen: No! No!
Uther: Take her away. Guards drag Gwen backwards out of the room.
Gwen: Please, no! I'm innocent! Please, please, no! Please help me! Please, I beg you! No! The courtiers leave. Morgana watches Gwen get dragged off, then turns to Uther.
Morgana: I know Gwen. She's my maidservant, not an enchantress.
Uther: Have you ever seen an enchantress? Believe me, they bear no sign, no mark. There is no sense of evil in the eye.
Morgana: I've seen the way the girl works. Her fingers are worn, her nails are broken. If she was a sorceress, why would she do this? Why would she kneel on a cold stone floor morning after morning when she could make these things happen with a snap of her fingers? Like an idle king!
Uther: You have no right!
Morgana: You have a right to cast a judgment on that girl!
Uther: I have a responsibility to take care of this kingdom! I take no pleasure in this!
Morgana: But you're sentencing the wrong person!
Arthur: She's right, Father. You hear the word magic, you no longer listen.
Uther: You saw it for yourself. She used enchantments.
Arthur: Yes, maybe. But to save her dying father, that doesn't make her guilty of creating a plague. One's the act of, of kindness, of love, the other of evil. I don't believe evil's in this girl's heart.
Uther: I have witnessed what witchcraft can do. I have suffered at its hand. I cannot take that chance. If there is the slightest doubt about this girl, she must die or the whole kingdom may perish.
Arthur: I understand that.
Uther: One day you may become King. Then you will understand. Such decisions must be made. There are dark forces that threaten this kingdom.
Arthur: I know. witchcraft is an evil, father. So is injustice. Yes, I am yet to be King, and I don't know what kind of king I will be, but I do have a sense of the kind of Camelot I would wish to live in. It would be where the punishment fits the crime.
Uther: I fear you're right. She's played with fire, and sadly she must die by fire. Morgana leaves. Arthur paces the Council Chamber.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS
Merlin: I thought I was doing good and that curing Gwen's father would help her. I thought I was saving a life. It seemed so simple.
Gaius: An easy solution is like a light in a storm, Merlin. Rush for it at your peril, for it may not always lead you to a safe harbour.
Merlin: I can see that now.
Gaius: How many times have I warned you about the responsibilities of being a warlock?
Merlin: I must see her.
KING'S PALACE, DUNGEONS
Merlin goes down stairs to the dungeon, passes a weeping Morgana on wrought iron stairway.
Merlin: Gwen. Gwen tries to get to the cell door, but her chains don't stretch that far. She's been crying.
Gwen: Thank you.
Merlin: What for?
Gwen: For coming to see me.
Merlin: I'm sorry.
Gwen: It's not your fault.
Merlin: Well...
Gwen: It's alright. Don't worry about me. There's no point crying about it. I mean...I mean, I'm not saying that you were going to cry about me. Obviously I don't think that.
Merlin: Oh, Gwen. I can't have this happen.
Gwen: Please. One thing. You...you don't have to, but...
Merlin: What?
Gwen: Remember me.
Merlin: You're not going to die. I'm not going to let this happen. Merlin leaves, rushing up the wrought iron stairway.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER
Uther is consulting his advisors.
Uther: What if burning this witch doesn't stop the poison? How do I protect my people? My men have closed down the water pumps.
Gaius: But the emergency supply won't last for much longer. We have to find a way of cleansing the water of the disease.
Uther: But how?
Gaius: Well... The doors open and Merlin bursts in.
Merlin: It was me! It was me who used magic to cure Gwen's father! The council stares at him.
Merlin: Gwen is not the sorcerer. I am! Gaius stands up.
Gaius: Merlin! Are you mad?
Merlin: I cannot let her die for me (to Uther) I place myself at your mercy.
Gaius: He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Merlin: I do.
Uther: Then arrest him.
Arthur: Father, please! I can't allow this! This is madness! There's no way Merlin is a sorcerer.
Uther: Did you not hear him?
Arthur: Yes.
Uther: He admitted it.
Arthur: He saved my life, remember.
Uther: Why should he fabricate such a story?
Arthur: As Gaius said, he's got a...grave mental disease.
Uther: Really?
Arthur: He's in love.
Merlin: What?
Arthur: With Gwen. Uther grins.
Merlin: I am not.
Arthur: Yes, you are.
Merlin: No way.
Arthur: I saw yesterday with that flower she'd given you.
Merlin: I'm not in love with her. Arthur puts his arm around Merlin.
Arthur: It's all right. You can admit it.
Merlin: I don't even think of her like that!
Uther: Perhaps she cast a spell on you. Arthur looks at his father worriedly. Uther snickers. Other council members snicker, and Arthur smiles in relief.
Arthur: Merlin is a wonder, but the wonder is that he's such an idiot. There's no way he's a sorcerer.
Uther: Don't waste my time again. Let him go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS
Merlin: Arthur's the idiot!
Gaius: No. He was right to do what he did. And, thankfully, he saved you from your own stupidity.
Merlin: What else could I do? It's my fault Gwen's going to die.
Gaius: Yes, but you don't prove her innocence by offering to jump into the flames. You do it by finding out what's causing the disease!
Merlin: Well, whatever it is, one thing's for sure: Arthur isn't going to find it. He thinks he is so sharp! But even when I told him I was a wizard, he still couldn't see it.
Gaius: Sometimes they're pretty hard to spot.
Merlin: Well, maybe I should go around wearing a pointy hat.
Gaius: I don't think you'll find one big enough. Anyway, forget that. If we're going to save Gwen, we have to find out what's contaminating the water.
TUNNEL WATER SUPPLY
Gaius and Merlin go to the underground entrance to the water supply. Nimueh's watching in her stone basin
Gaius: The water from here supplies the whole town. Take a sample. Merlin puts bottle in the water.
Gaius: Let's take it back and examine it. The beast rears up out of the water.
Merlin: What the hell was that? Gaius takes Merlin's arm and they leave.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS
Gaius and Merlin look at a book
Gaius: Here. It was an Afanc.
Merlin: An...a what?
Gaius: A beast born of clay, and conjured up only by the most powerful sorcerer. Now we have to find a way to defeat it. But where? Gaius looks at shelves of books.
Merlin: That could take days. Gwen'll be dead by then.
Gaius: Have you got a better idea? Merlin sees pyre being built in the square on his way to the dungeons. He sees Gwen lying on the cell floor.
Merlin: Gwen? I'm going to get you out. I will. Merlin leaves.
KING'S PALACE, DRAGON'S CAVE
Merlin: Hello?
Kilgharrah: Hello.
The Great Dragon flies down.
Kilgharrah: The great warlock returns, as I knew he would.
Merlin: I need to know how to defeat an Afanc.
Kilgharrah: Yes, I suppose you do.
Merlin: Will you help me?
Kilgharrah: Trust the elements that are at your command.
Merlin: Elements? But what is it I have to do?
Kilgharrah: You cannot do this alone. You are but one side of a coin. Arthur is the other.
Merlin: I...I don't understand. Just tell me what it is I have to do. Kilgharrah flies off.
Merlin: No! Please, help me!
Kilgharrah: I have. Kilgharrah laughs.
Merlin: Oh, yeah, right. Thanks.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Arthur enters.
Uther: Have you found anything more?
Arthur: I've tried. I can keep looking.
Uther: People are dying, we can't delay any longer. We must kill the witch. Bring her execution forward to tonight. Arthur bows his head and exits.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Merlin frantically searches through books. Gaius enters.
Gaius: Merlin, what are you doing?
Merlin: Looking for a book.
Gaius: You going to tell me which one?
Merlin: A book on elements.
Gaius: Elements?
Merlin: Yes. Which one would I find them in?
Gaius: Well, most of them. The study of base elements is at the very heart of the scientific process.
Merlin: But how would they help me kill the Afanc?
Gaius: Well, the Afanc is a creature made from earth and water. That's two of the four base elements.
Merlin: What about the other two?
Gaius: Well, perhaps they will destroy it. You want fire. Wind and fire. How did you find this out?
Merlin: Erm...I just knew, you know? One of my powers.
Gaius: What else do your powers tell you?
Merlin: That I am only one side of a coin. The brighter side, obviously.
Gaius: And who's the other side?
Merlin: I think that might be Arthur.
Morgana: They're bringing forward the execution. We have to prove Gwen's innocence.
Gaius: We're trying.
Morgana: Please, just tell me what I can do to help.
Merlin: We need Arthur.
Morgana: Arthur?
Merlin: There's a monster, an Afanc, in the water supply. That's what's causing the plague.
Morgana: Well, we must tell Uther.
Gaius: The Afanc's a creature forged by magic. Telling Uther wouldn't save Gwen. He'd just blame her for conjuring it.
Morgana: So, what are we to do?
Merlin: We need to destroy it. Then the plague will stop and Uther may see sense.
Morgana: And that's why you need Arthur.
Merlin: He's our best chance. But he won't want to disobey the King.
Morgana: Leave that to me. Morgana exits. Gaius gives Merlin the keys to the water supply tunnels.
KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Arthur enters. Morgana is waiting for him.
Arthur: You alright? Sorry about all this (points at the mess on the table). Merlin's not been in today.
Morgana: Poor Merlin.
Arthur: Yeah.
Morgana: He offered to give up his life to save Gwen's. I certainly can't imagine any man loving me so much.
Arthur: No, I certainly can't imagine that either.
Morgana (smirks): That's because you're not like Merlin. He's a lover.
Arthur: Yeah, maybe that's because I haven't found the right person to love.
Morgana: Sadly the age of gallantry seems to be dead. You look around and all you see are small men, not big enough to fill their armour. There's not one of them that's able to stand up for what is right. Arthur smirks at Morgana's obvious manipulative insult.
Arthur: What do you want me to do?
KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE/WATER TUNNEL - DAY
Morgana and Arthur walk into the Square where Merlin meets them. Arthur draws his sword. They open tunnel door and Arthur lights a torch before they descend.
Arthur: You'd better be right about this, Merlin. They hear low growl. Morgana gasps.
Arthur: You should stay here.
Morgana: I'm coming with you.
Arthur: No!
Morgana: Scared I'll show you up?
Arthur: Father will slam us both in chains if he knew I'd endangered you.
Morgana: Well good thing he doesn't know about it then.
Arthur: I'm telling you, Morgana, turn back. You could get hurt.
Morgana: You could you...if you don't get out of my way. Merlin's amused. Arthur rolls his eyes. Morgana How are we going to find it?
Merlin: I just hope we do before it finds us. Arthur spins around.
Arthur: Stop.
Merlin: What?
Arthur: It's just a shadow. They keep moving. the Afanc creeps out of shadows behind them. they reach the water source.
Arthur: Spread out. They split up. Arthur hears growl and Afanc swipes at him from behind, then disappears. Morgana rushes to him.
Morgana: What is it? Are you alright?
Arthur: Yeah.
Merlin: Did you see it?
Arthur: Yes.
Merlin: What did it look like?
Arthur: It...it's quick. The Afanc come up in front of Morgana. She screams. Arthur goes for it, but it disappears again.
Arthur: Where is it?
Merlin: I think it's gone this way! They walk. the Afanc creeps slowly out around corner into full view. Arthur swings at it and loses his sword. it also swipes away Morgana's torch. Arthur circles it with torch.
Merlin: Arthur, use the torch! Arthur swings the torch.
Merlin (spell): Lyfte ic þe in balwen ac forhienan. Merlin's spell blows flames into the Afanc, incinerating it.
CAVE
Nimueh watches in her stone basin. Nimueh (splashes the water in anger): Merlin. Mah!
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
Uther laughs over some parchment with his advisors.
Uther: It's very good.
Gaius: Good news, Sire. There are no new deaths, and those that are sick are recovering.
Uther: Good. Strange, I've never heard of an Afanc before.
Gaius: It's conjured from clay by powerful magic. The type that can only be invoked by an ancient sorcerer. One that has the power to mirror the spirit of life. I found this at the water source (showing a piece of the Afanc's egg) It bears the mark of Nimueh. We must be vigilant, Sire.
Uther: Will I never be rid of her?
Gaius: Sire.
Uther: Leave me! Everyone exits. Uther sits on the throne and mopes.
KING'S PALACE, DUNGEONS - DAY
Guards open Gwen's cell. Gwen's father, Merlin, and Morgana enters.
Gwen: Dad!
Tom (hugs her): Oh, my little child! Gwen reaches to grasp Morgana's hand.
Gwen: Thank you!
Morgana: Don't thank me. It was more Merlin.
Gwen: Really?
Morgana: He's the real hero here.
Gwen: I don't know what to say.
Merlin (shrugs): I didn't do anything.
Tom: I'm...I'm grateful to you all. Come on, Gwen. Tom and Gwen leave.
Morgana: Merlin. I wanted you to know, your secret's safe with me.
Merlin: My secret?
Morgana: Merlin, don't pretend. I know what you did.
Merlin: You do?
Morgana: I saw it with my own eyes.
Merlin: You did?
Morgana: I understand why you don't anyone to know.
Merlin: Well, obviously.
Morgana: But I won't tell anyone. You don't mind me talking to you about it?
Merlin: Er...no. I...I, it's, er...you have no idea how hard it is to keep this hidden.
Morgana: Well, you can continue to deny it, but I think Gwen's a very lucky woman.
Merlin: Gwen? Morgana puts her finger to her lips.
Morgana: It's our secret. Morgana smiles as she leaves. Merlin sighs.
KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT
Merlin and Gaius eat dinner.
Merlin: This fish didn't come from the water, did it?
Gaius: Well, where else is it going to come from? The water's fine now. That's not your worry. This is the work of a very powerful sorcerer. I only hope you didn't come to her attention.
Merlin: Doubt it. Well no one else seems to appreciate my skills. I just want someone to see me for who I am.
Gaius: One day, Merlin. One day.
Merlin: One day what?
Gaius: One day people won't believe what an idiot you were.
Merlin: Thanks. They toast. Nimueh watches them from her stone basin.
Nimueh: Merlin, you will pay for this!


[sound of coughing]
Ricky: We're going to make some good f*cking money here boys.
Julian: Let's just f*cking get this over with, Rick.
Ricky: My f*ck, this is a good time boys.
Tell me that's not the best f*cking dope you ever smoked Bubbs.
Bubbles: Should I be getting baked for this, boys?
Ricky: Yes, Bubbles, get high, this is fun.
Bubbles: Walkie check Ricky.
Ricky: Good check.
Bubbles: That water bong's so smooth, you don't realize how high you're getting until it's too late.
Ricky: Bubbles, you're breaking up. Switch to channel two, okay. Just turn on the radio and relax, everything's fine.
Bubbles: Channel Two? VHF, what's that now?
[sound of music from radio]
Bubbles: [singing]
Bubbles: [singing through PA system]
Ricky: I know I'm baked but, doesn't that sound like it's coming through the PA?
Julian: f*ck, it sounds like it man.
[sound of Bubbles singing through PA system]
Ricky: Bubbles, everything you say is coming over the PA right now.
Bubbles: Ricky, I am f*cked up out here.
I don't mean to interrupt your meat-stealing operation there boys but I need to keep talking to you til you get back. I'm freaking out a little bit.
Ricky: Bubbles, every f*cking word you're saying is coming over the PA.
Julian: He must have his finger on the button man, he can't hear us.
Bubbles: [singing]
Bubbles: [singing over PA system]
Ricky: f*ck! Meat dicks, meat dicks.
Julian: These are just birthday presents. You have no right to look in them. We're going to leave now. Rick, let's leave, calmly, come on.
Bubbles: Oh, I'm f*cking high!
[music]
Bubbles: Where do I know that big cocksucker from?
Ricky: Don't even f*ck the mind who that is?
Phil: What are you doing?
Ricky: Get the f*ck out of the way with your stupid fish and your hockey stick!
Bubbles: Ricky, I'm not selling meat in the liquor store parking lot again. I don't want anybody I know to see me.
It's embarrassing.
Ricky: Bubbles, just smoke some of this home made blender hash, alright, and relax.
Julian: Corey and Trevor should be doing this greasy sh1t, not us.
Ricky: f*cking Corey and Trevor. Corey and Trevor just vanished. No idea where the f*ck they went. Just ran away on me. Disappeared about six months ago and left a stupid note saying they're ever, never coming back. Thanks guys. Now I'm in a liquor store parking lot selling f*cking meat instead of Corey and Trevor. What the f*ck are you looking at?
Phil: What are you doing here man? This is my parking lot! I sell mackerel and blueberries.
Bubbles: [coughing] Great, Phil Collins is here.
Phil: Hey, hey. Bubbles, Julian. How are you guys doing? Selling stolen meat eh? Wanna buy some trout?
Julian: Phil, would you get the f*ck out of here. Here, here, take this thing.
Phil: Yeah, well alright, Julian. Ah, geez.
Bubbles: Here Julian.
Julian: f*ck!
Bubbles: [singing] I am high! High, high.
Woman: Julian? Don't you remember me Julian?
Julian: Ah?
Woman: Oh my, Bubbles. Is that you? It's me. Your grade three teacher, Mrs. Anderson.
Bubbles: [coughing] Hi, hi Mrs. Anderson.
Ricky: Oh my god, I'm so god-damned high.
Bubbles: Ricky, no Ricky.
Mrs. Anderson: I better be going guys. You know, it's never too late to change the path you're going down in life, boys.
Julian: Thanks, Mrs. Anderson.
Bubbles: Let's get the f*ck out of here, Julian.
Ricky: Forty-two bucks already today boys. I can't believe it. Where the f*ck are you going, Julian?
Julian: I'm not stealing meat anymore man, it's f*cked.
Ricky: Man, what the f*ck are you talking about? You're giving up seventeen, eighteen bucks a day.
Julian: I gotta get a job or something man.
Ricky: A job? Julian, we don't work. You know us.
Bubbles: Ricky, think about what you just said. Maybe we should work. Getting a good job is a good idea Julian.
Julian: Listen, if I don't start making some cash soon, I'm going to lose my f*cking trailer man. Seventeen bucks a day, not cutting it.
Ricky: Why is he so f*cking worried about his trailer getting repositioned? We're doing good here man. More money for us buddy. See buddy, now this is what I'm talking about. Business.
Jim Lahey: Hey Rick. Open for business?
Ricky: How's it going Sir? What can I get for you?
Jim Lahey: What do you got that's fresh?
Ricky: Jim, we both know you came over here for more than just a box of meat.
Jim Lahey: Well Ricky, I was hoping to get a few grams for Randy. But he, look, he doesn't want to pay twelve bucks a gram anymore. He's smoking a lot of dope Rick. He's a good customer. How about ten? Six grams, sixty bucks?
Ricky: Oh my f*ck, Cheryl! What are you doing? I told you to stay off the counter. Look, you can have this but that's it alright. Now take that and get the f*ck out.
Ricky: My father grazed me to that, that other things like animals that live or like I that live and I'm supposed to be the same to them and try to treat them good but I've got f*cking insects now coming to my trailer and frogs and f*cking these things that look like cats but they got these long beaky nose things. They're all attracted to my dope. I can't sell my f*cking things coming in like crows. I nicknamed this one crow Cheryl and she's pretty cool but I have to give her a peanut butter sandwich so she'll stop stealing my f*cking weed and it's just, it's making me lose my f*cking mind. I'm sick of all this sh1t. I gotta sell this f*cking dope soon or I'm going to snap.
Ricky: I'm getting pretty sick of you and Randy showing up here offering me ten or eight or anything else. You know what, if you cops started doing your job and you busted some growers I wouldn't have problem. Nobody gives a f*ck about good dope. I'm sick of this sh1t Jim. Look let me spelt it out for you. See what that says? Twelve bucks a gram, firms.
Jim Lahey: Are you selling any of this dope, Ricky?
Ricky: I sold a little bit.
Jim Lahey: Well, I refuse to pay twelve bucks a gram when you can get it for six down at the mall.
Ricky: Well, you know what Jim? Go down to the f*cking mall and get the shitty mall dope. You only get f*cking one joint out of a gram, it's sh1t.
Jim Lahey: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Look, I'll take one gram.
Bubbles: Hey Ray. What, are you redoing your plumbing?
Ray: f*ck no. Son of a f*cking whore.
[crashing sound]
Ray: f*cking, I don't use this as plumbing Bubbles, you know that. f*cking selling it as scrap metal.
You know, get my liquor money buddy.
Bubbles: Ray! Ripping the plumbing out of your walls for liquor money is f*cked!
Ray: No, Bubbs.
Bubbles: Ray, do you ever wonder if you've chosen the right path in life?
[pipes clanging]
Ray: What do you mean, like, if your rig is on the right road?
Bubbles: Yeah, that type of thing.
Ray: f*ck yeah, buddy. You kidding me.
I think about that sh1t all the time. Every f*cking day I think about that. You know, I'll be, I'll be perfectly honest with you buddy. I'm sick of working with Randy, running this park.
Bubbles: Ray, all you really do is get drunk and drive around waving at people.
Ray: Yeah, I know but I'd give it all up in a second buddy. If there was just some f*cking way back on the road. Like that's ever going to happen.
Bubbles: Hey, do you think you can work with Ricky tonight? I just don't think I can.
Ray: Why, are you guys having a problem or something?
Bubbles: Ray, I love those guys like brothers, you know that. But, I just can't do this greasy small-time crime sh1t anymore.
Ray: I know what you're saying Bubbles. It's a young man's game. That's why I got out of it. So here, if I were you, I'd do it one more time and then get the f*ck out of it. You know, get me five pounds of bacon and a half pound of regular beef too while you're at it, would you?
Bubbles: You know what Ray? I think maybe I should be doing my own jobs that I plan. I think it would be less stressful.
Ray: You need a hobby like mine Bubbs.
Bubbles: Hobby? What's your hobby, Ray?
Ray: Drinking. Hey buddy, want a beer.
Bubbles: I'd love a beer.
Ray: Here, go ahead.
Bubbles: Do you think I could get in on this scrap metal bullshit with you? I have connections in the cart world.
Ray: f*ck yes. I could use a hand buddy.
Bubbles: Alright, let's do it.
Ray: Let's do it.
Bubbles: Want to keep it on the downsie though.
Ray: Alright, no problem.
Jacob: I can't believe we're working together. This is awesome.
Julian: Yeah, thanks for the job Jacob.
Jacob: Oh my god, Julian. Is this your car?
Julian: Yup.
Jacob: Monte Carlo. What a cool car. Is it an '86?
Julian: '87.
Jacob: f*ck, it's in great shape man.
Julian: Thanks man.
Jacob: Can you light her up?
Julian: I'll see what I can do.
[tires squealing]
Jacob: Yeah, light it up!
BAM!
See you later Julian.
[knocking sound]
Sam: Julian?
Julian: Oh my f*ck.
Sam: You're delivering pizzas now?
Julian: No man, my cousin's car broke down and I
Sam: Your cousin, yeah.
Julian: Twenty-two bucks.
Sam: Your cousin?
Julian: Twenty-two bucks Sam.
Sam: Yeah, okay. I got it right here.
Uh, I got most of it.
Julian: What do you mean?
Sam: I got, twenty-one fifty.
Julian: Sam, this is coming out of my own pocket, come on!
Sam: I'm not made of money man. Come on, twenty-one fifty. Take it or leave it.
Julian: [sighs]
Police Officer George: Alright, next item. Harvey, Bern, all this luggage disappearing at the airport. What leads have you got? Nothing? You're off the case. Ted and I will take this one over. Hodgson, Chambers, want you to start laying down some muscle on this meat stealing ring. I mean, come on guys, they're stealing meat. How hard can this possibly be? It's getting embarrassing. Alright, that's it. Don't f*ck around out there.
Jim Lahey: Hey George, what about me?
Police Officer George: Actually, you know what, hold up everyone! You know, Jim, there is something you can do for us.
Jim Lahey: What's that George?
Police Officer George: Take a run up to Horton's for the boys.
[laughter]
Jim Lahey: Every f*cking day.
Police Officer Ted: Guess you thought being back in the force would be more exciting. Double double decaf, Boston cream.
Jim Lahey: Double double. Triple single.
That's only seventy five cents, Terry. For f*ck's sakes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ricky: Hey.
Lucy: Hello. How are you?
Ricky: Hey Trin.
Sarah: Nice cooler Ricky. Is that yours?
Ricky: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah? How can you tell?
Ricky: What are you book learning Trin?
Trinity: Ah, mammals and stuff.
Ricky: Cool.
Trinity: Birds.
Ricky: How's the little bottle of joy doing?
Lucy: Fine.
Ricky: Well, I got you some meat. Lots of meat. You got a bunch of pork chops and ground beef. And bacon and this stuff, couple of those things.
Lucy: You know what dude, as great as it is that you got all this stuff and I know that you're trying, you know what we really need? Some money.
Ricky: Lucy, don't tell me you're going to start busting my cock too. You know what I'm going through right now. And Julian quit working for me today.
Lucy: Uh-huh.
Ricky: I'm trying to sell this friggin dope. What do you do when guys are selling dope down at the mall for six bucks a gram, even though it's sh1t, but people are buying it. I'm f*cking trying here Lucy.
Lucy: Would you like a piece of licorice Sarah?
Sarah: Sure.
Lucy: There you go. Enjoy. Chew on that.
Sarah: Uh-huh.
Ricky: I'm not trying to freak out. I'm sorry.
Lucy: Uh-huh.
Ricky: You got another baby on the way and that got me learning that I gotta become better. For the person that's going to be born. You know that I always become a better person when the person that gets born is born. I'll do whatever it takes Lucy. That's what I'm talking about here. You think I want to be stealing f*cking meat, I'm doing it for you guys.
Lucy: What happened to the guy I made love with in the bathroom of Kentucky Fried Chicken? What happened? Where is that guy, huh?
Ricky: Lucy, please. We all know this is all Corey and Trevor's fault. I f*cking know you know where they are Sarah. I know you do. And if I ever see those guys again, it's f*cking on, big time!
Sarah: That's right, Ricky.
Ricky: You got one of those Corey and Trevor things on your arm?
Sarah: Yeah I did. I did, because I miss them, because I loved them. You drove them out of here. You know and you blame everything on them.
Ricky: I drove them out of here? I gave them opportunities Sarah to grow dope. You know what they did? They couldn't handle it and they had to run away.
Sarah: I don't know where Corey and Trevor are Ricky. If I did, I wouldn't tell you. But I don't know where they are. Corey and Trevor are in a mental institution in an undisclosed location. Ricky had them so overworked last year growing dope that they had complete nervous breakdowns.
Ricky: f*ck Corey and Trevor. I mean, I was always there for those guys. I helped them. I taught them how to steal cars, how to steal gas. Showed them how to grow dope. I cared for them. I fed them. I was as good a friend to Corey and Trevor as anybody was. I was basically like their f*cking dad. Nobody showed those guys more love than me. Knock knock boys.
Trevor: Who's there?
Julian: So, we're cool?
Trevor: Yeah man.
[gun shots]
Ricky: Let's go, smokes. You're f*cking lucky.
Corey: f*cking snakes dude. f*ck no.
[music]
Sarah: The doctors strongly recommend that Corey and Trevor never come back to Sunnyvale again, not even for a visit.
And they're dead set against them ever talking to Ricky again or they say they could lose their minds completely.
Ray: Hey buddy.
Ricky: Where the f*ck are you guys coming from?
Ray: Just up at Shitty Bills.
Bubbles: Are you hungry?
Ricky: Yeah. I am f*cking hungry.
Ray: Are you hungry enough to blow 23 bucks on pizzas with the old man buddy?
Ricky: Where the f*ck did you get that kind of money?
Ray: I'm telling you Rick, you should rip the plumbing out of your place too. You would not believe the f*cking money I make in scrap metal, look at that.
Ricky: It's crazy.
Ray: Crazy? Better than delivering pizzas like f*cking Julian, Ill tell you that.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
Ray: He didn't tell you?
Ray: He's delivering pizzas.
Ricky: Is that true Bubbs? Julian's delivering f*cking pizzas? That's his new job?
Bubbles: Ricky, don't be teasing him.
J-Roc: Hey pizza boy. Jules? What you doing here dawg?
Julian: What are you guys doing here? Cleaning floors J-Roc?
J-Roc: No you man, just filling in for some ma-fuckers. What you doing here?
Julian: Just, it's uh, this charity thing I'm, it's a pizza run, it's, for the kids, it's uh, you know.
Tyrone: Charity pizza run?
Julian: Yeah, charity.
J-Roc: What are you talking about, you man? Last I heard, you were stealing meat, you know what I'm saying. Which is already whack. Not to mention it was with that snuffleupagus, walrus-ass manatee Phil Collins. But now you delivering pizza B? Eh, you want a pipe?
Julian: J- Roc, twenty-nine dollars.
Bubbles: Alright, look. Here's the meat pre-list. 15 rib roasts, 30 ten pound bags of hamburger, 12 turkeys, 40 chickens, 50 sirloin steaks, 2 dozen pot roasts and 20 LOLs, otherwise known as legso lamb. Can we pull this off? That's theft over a thousand?
Ricky: Bubbles, don't worry about it. I promise you. We're not going to go to jail. All we gotta do is order some pizza.
Bubbles: Got me Ricky. Walkie check, walkie check. You got me now?
Ricky: Yeah, that's a lot better Bubbs. You're clear.
Bubbles: Let's get this bullshit over with.
Ricky: Alright, see you in five or ten minutes man. This is the most meat we've ever stealen in one time so the trick is, go to a specialtilization meat store and get a man on the inside. So basically Bubbs is the man on the inside. He goes in and sneaks in the freezer, waits til th close, and comes and opens the door, and we take all the f*cking meat we want, it's perfect.
Bubbles: Alright Ricky, I'm in the freezer. Hurry up, I don't like being cold.
Ricky: Just hang in there man. I'll have some warm stuff for you when you get out. Hot chocolate, whatever.
Bubbles: Is the clerk leaving yet or what?
Ricky: Open 9 til 9. What the f*ck! Uh, Bubbles, bit of a problem. It seems like they're open later than they used to be. I don't know what happened. I thought I checked it but you're going to have to be in there for a little bit longer than expected. Not that bad, not that much longer though okay?
Bubbles: Define a little bit longer!
Ricky: Hopefully only like twenty minutes. I don't know yet.
Bubbles: That doesn't make any sense Ricky. That means they'ren til 6:20? Nobody closes at 6:20.
Ricky: It's not that bad. It's just, you know, it's like being in a freezer I guess. It's cold, or draw some things in the frost. Pretend it's winter time, you're building a snow man out of meat and cats are running around playing. And Bubbles: Ricky! Do you realize what you just said to me?
Ricky: Bubbs, let me tell you a little story. When I was twelve years old, me and my dad were stealing meat. I was in the f*cking freezer for seven hours. He couldn't get me out and the locks were all different and Bubbles: Ricky, I don't care how long you were in a meat freezer!
Ricky: I did seven f*cking hours buddy. You can do three. The first two hours are going to suck, I'll tell you right now. But after that, it's really not that bad. Jacob, where the f*ck is that pizza man? I ordered it forty-five minutes ago.
Julian: Did you order a pizza?
Ricky: Hey, pizza guy. Over here.
Julian: [sighs] What the f*ck is wrong with you?
Ricky: What are you talking about?
Julian: Do you think it's some kind of a joke that I'm working here Ricky?
Ricky: Julian, you're playing pizza games. I got a better offer for you. We can make two thousand dollars in meat tonight. Two grand. Bubbles, it's okay to come out now man. Come on out. Bubbles? f*ck, he must not hear me.
Julian: How long's he been in there?
Ricky: Not that long, ten, twenty minutes. Well, yeah, close to three hours, I guess.
Julian: Three hours?
[glass smashing]
Ricky: Alright Bubbles, start gathering up the meat.
We're inside. Hey buddy. Aw, f*ck! God, Bubbles can you hear me?
Bubbles: Yeah, I can hear you's boys. Little disappointed in yas.
Julian: Help me get him out of here Ricky.
Ricky: We're not leaving here without meat.
Julian: f*ck the meat! Go find a coat or a blanket or something, we gotta warm him up Ricky.
Bubbles: Very cold, very cold. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That bread feels wonderful Ricky. Wonderful.
[moaning]
Ricky: I'm so f*cking sorry, what happened tonight.
Take tonight off and we'll get back at her tomorrow, alright?
Bubbles: Back at her? f*ck that Ricky. I'm not working with you and Julian anymore. Sorry, but that's it. I'm done. I gotta go to sleep boys. Just sleepy times.
Julian: Two pounds. What a f*cking waste.
Ricky: Holy f*ck! Raykins. That's what those furry little bitches are Julian that are f*cking you over, raykins. On top of the mold, I'm going to snap man, I can't deal with this sh1t. Two pounds of dope going up because of mold. Great. Man, I hate to keep blaming Corey and Trevor, it's their f*cking fault. They should be here dealing with this sh1t, not me.
Julian: Sounds like you miss them Rick.
Rick: Yeah, maybe I do f*cking miss them Julian. I f*cking miss Corey and Trevor alright, I said it.
Julian: Get over it, cause they're never coming back. Listen, we're going to sell this dope. But we have to be patient and sit on it. Wait for the right person to smoke it okay? And Ricky, we gotta lower the price to ten bucks a gram.
Ricky: Oh f*ck! Alright, I'll go to ten, but no lower than ten. It's still f*cking twelve for Lahey and Randy.