The Massacre (of St. Bartholomew's Eve) by John Lucarotti first broadcast - 26th February, 1966
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. PRESLIN'S SHOP
(ANNE has spent the night alone in PRESLIN'S shop. STEVEN pounds on the door startling her until she hears his voice.)
STEVEN: Anne! Anne, are you there? Anne!
(ANNE answers the door and lets an exhausted STEVEN in.)
ANNE: Oh, monsieur! I'd given you up for lost when you didn't come back last night and I thought the guards must have caught you.
STEVEN: (Breathless.) Yes, they nearly did. I managed to shake them off. I'm sorry, the curfew rang before I could get back last night. The guards were still looking for me this morning. That's why I've been so long.
(He takes his sword off.)
ANNE: Did you see Monsieur Muss and give him your message?
STEVEN: Oh, yes. The warning was too late.
(He puts his sword down.)
ANNE: What will you do now? Go back to your friend? The Doctor.
STEVEN: (Despondent.) I can't Anne. He's dead.
ANNE: (Shocked.) Monsieur!
STEVEN: I saw his body lying in the street by the Abbot's house. Before I could do anything Roger Colbert saw me and sent the guards after me again. Heaven knows what I'll do now.
(He thinks for a second.)
ANNE: Return to England?
STEVEN: I can't. I've got to find the key to the TARDIS.
ANNE: What Monsieur?
STEVEN: The Doctor has a special key. Without it I can't leave.
ANNE: Well do you know where it is?
STEVEN: No. If the Doctor had it with him then I'm lost. I...I didn't had time to look for it. My only hope is that it's still with his own clothes.
ANNE: Could it be at the Abbot's house?
STEVEN: Oh, no. No. He'd have had to change before he went there. The only other place I think he's been to is...is the shop.
ANNE: Oh, but we've already searched here, monsieur, looking for clothes for you.
STEVEN: Anne, we must do it again! Please help me. Open every cupboard, every box. I must find that key.
ANNE: Right, monsieur.
(They start to search.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. THE LOUVRE
(SIMON is reporting to MARSHAL TAVANNES.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: It may hinder the inquiry into the attempted assassination of de Coligny.
SIMON: Surely the King is insisting that de Coligny is avenged?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: He is. But by blaming the death of the Abbot on the Huguenots we may be able to cover our tracks.
SIMON: Will the King pay any attention to the Abbot's death?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: I don't know. Fortunately the Admiral himself is helping us. He doesn't want the inquiry yet so that may give us a little time.
SIMON: Therefore the Englishman must be caught.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: And killed. He must not be allowed to get back to the Abbot's house.
SIMON: The men are searching Paris for him.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: He must be found tonight. Tomorrow is St. Bartholomew's Day and it will be all too easy for him to evade us in the revelry.
(A messenger knocks at the door and enters, giving a written message to TAVANNES. He reads it.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: The Queen Mother. She commands me to go to her. No doubt she has thought of some further scheme to protect her good name.
(He goes to the door.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Wait for me here, Simon. I may have more instructions for you when I get back.
(He leaves. SIMON picks up the message and reads it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. PRESLIN'S SHOP
(STEVEN and ANNE have almost ransacked the shop in their search for the DOCTOR'S clothes. Items of clothing litter the floor. ANNE comes from another part of the shop after her search.)
STEVEN: Well?
ANNE: Nothing, monsieur. There's no sign of your friend's clothes anywhere.
STEVEN: They must be here.
ANNE: All I've found was this.
(ANNE shows STEVEN the DOCTOR'S stick.)
STEVEN: But... but this is his stick!
ANNE: Your friend's?
STEVEN: Yes. Well his clothes must be here somewhere! Where did you find it?
ANNE: In the back, monsieur. But there are no clothes there.
STEVEN: Are you sure?
ANNE: Yes. I've searched everywhere!
STEVEN: Then why the stick? He...he couldn't have pretended to be the Abbot dressed as he was. So he must have changed somewhere. But where?
ANNE: Perhaps he went away somewhere with the apothecary who used to live here?
STEVEN: With Preslin? No he couldn't.
ANNE: Why not?
STEVEN: Because Preslin is either dead or in prison.
DOCTOR: He is not.
(They turn round. The DOCTOR has entered the shop!.)
STEVEN: (Shocked.) Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. DE COLIGNY'S RESIDENCE
(GASTON has come to visit a still weak DE COLIGNY.)
GASTON: The Catholics will not rest until you are dead!
ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: (Weakly.) You are too impetuous, Vicomte.
TELIGNY: The King is determined to prevent a further attempt. Why else do you think he's put so heavy a guard on this house?
GASTON: A Catholic guard under a Catholic commander! The Admiral could hardly be in the care of a greater enemy.
TELIGNY: He is under the protection of the King.
GASTON: And the Queen Mother.
NICHOLAS: Gaston, you are tiring the Admiral. Doing yourself an injustice. You had better return to the Louvre.
GASTON: No!
(He goes over to DE COLIGNY.)
GASTON: If I were to leave Paris it would be better for you and for us.
NICHOLAS: The surgeons said the Admiral must not be moved.
GASTON: Then may God protect you.
(GASTON leaves the house.)
ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: (Weakly.) I hope Henri of Navarre realises how dangerous it is to have such a hothead in his service.
TELIGNY: He must be wrong. The commander wouldn't dare to disobey the King after what has happened.
NICHOLAS: Let us hope so. Is there anything you need, Admiral?
ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: (Quietly.) Stay with me.
NICHOLAS: Of course.
TELIGNY: We must be grateful that the wounds are not poisoned. So that there is no fear of you dying.
ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: I do fear death. I only hope that we have nothing to fear from my staying alive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: INT. PRESLIN'S SHOP
(STEVEN has told the DOCTOR of the recent events.)
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear boy, had you stayed at the tavern all this mix-up could have been avoided.
STEVEN: (Angry.) I did stay in the tavern, you didn't turn up!
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I was unavoidably delayed. Never mind that now. Come along, we must go. Come along.
ANNE: You can't now, monsieur. The curfew's rung.
DOCTOR: What? Oh that wretched curfew is the start of so much trouble.
ANNE: It'd be easy to leave Paris in the morning, monsieur. Tomorrow is St. Bartholomew's Day and everyone will be celebrating.
STEVEN: Huh! With all the trouble that's going on I can't see what they've got to celebrate.
DOCTOR: I told you not to get involved.
STEVEN: Look, I tried not to but the Abbot did look like you. If I hadn't found out about Admiral de Coligny being the 'Sea Beggar' then...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) What's that?
STEVEN: I tried to tell you before. Admiral de Coligny is one of the Huguenot leaders. The Catholics tried to shoot him.
DOCTOR: (To ANNE.) Did you say tomorrow was St. Bartholomew's Day, child?
ANNE: Yes, monsieur.
DOCTOR: What year is this, my boy?
STEVEN: I don't know. What difference does it make?
DOCTOR: What date is it, child?
ANNE: Date monsieur? August the twenty-third. As I said, tomorrow's...
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, I know that. The year, the year... hmm?
ANNE: (Smiles.) 1572, monsieur. But surely you know that?
(The DOCTOR, worried at this information, thinks, then...)
DOCTOR: Go home, Anne. You must leave here at once.
ANNE: No, I've got nowhere to go!
DOCTOR: Where were you working?
ANNE: At the Abbot's house.
DOCTOR: You go back there.
ANNE: (Shouts.) I can't! They'll kill me!
DOCTOR: You must leave this shop, child.
STEVEN: Doctor, what's happening?
DOCTOR: Oh please don't interfere. (To ANNE.) Now, my dear, there must be somewhere you can stay in Paris?
ANNE: No, there's only my aunt's place, and they'll kill me there.
DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense. Tonight, you will be quite safe. Now you go carefully through the streets, hmm?
ANNE: Well, what about the curfew?
DOCTOR: Well you've been out in the curfew before haven't you?
ANNE: Yes, but the guards...
DOCTOR: Then you know how to avoid the patrols. You go back to your aunt; you'll be quite safe. And you take my advice and stay indoors tomorrow. Now do you understand? It's too dangerous for you to stay here. Now off you go, child. Come along, off, off, off!
STEVEN: But, Doctor, I don't think it's...
DOCTOR: Ah, shh, shh, shh!
ANNE: Goodbye then, Steven. Safe journey.
STEVEN: Doctor, I don't think she should go.
DOCTOR: Now out you go, my child. Off you go.
(ANNE leaves.)
STEVEN: Bye. (To the DOCTOR.) Look, are you sure she'll be all right? The guards are waiting for her.
DOCTOR: My dear Steven, the Catholics will have other things on their minds tonight. She will be quite safe. Now then, you and I must leave Paris at once. Come!
STEVEN: Look, Doctor, what is going on?
DOCTOR: There is no time for me to explain. Come along, boy. Come along!
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. THE LOUVRE
(The Queen Mother enters the study of TAVANNES where he is writing a paper. He does not look up.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Simon?
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: The Queen Mother.
(TAVANNES gets quickly to his feet.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Madame, I apologise, I thought...
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Never mind. I have it here - the order signed by the King. Our plans for tomorrow can go ahead.
(She passes him a document which he quickly reads.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Thank God!
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: God had very little to do with it.
(TAVANNES in turn passes her the paper he has been writing.)
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: What's this?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: The list, madam. When those Huguenots are killed we need have no further fear of a Protestant France.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: We have no need of lists, Marshall. The good people of Paris know their enemies. They will take care of them.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Shocked.) The good people...? Madam, if you rouse the mob the innocent will perish with the guilty.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Innocent? Heresy can have no innocence. France will breath a pure air after tomorrow.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: And,... Navarre, madam? Your son-in-law? Is he to be slaughtered with the others?
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Tomorrow Henri of Navarre will pay for his pretensions to the Crown.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Madam, we must not kill Navarre.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Must not?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Protestant Europe will merely shed a pious tear over the death of a few thousand Huguenots. The death of a prince will launch a Holy War.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: (After a thoughtful pause.) If one Huguenot life escapes me tomorrow, we may both regret this act of mercy.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Not mercy, madam. Policy.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: (Considers.) Very well, Marshall. Then you must get him out of Paris. After tomorrow, even I will not save him.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: I will see to it, madam.
CATHERINE DE MEDICI: And, Marshall - close the gates of the city now.
(The Queen Mother leaves the room. SIMON enters.)
SIMON: Well, my lord?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: The order has been given. You may begin.
SIMON: My men are ready. Where is the list?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: There is no list.
SIMON: But I thought...
MARSHAL TAVANNES: We are to unleash the wolves of Paris. None are to be spared.
SIMON: (Pleased.) Even better, my lord.
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Is it? I wonder...Simon, when you have passed on the order I have a special charge for you.
SIMON: My lord?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Henri of Navarre.
SIMON: I am to have the honour?
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Yes. But not of killing him. You will escort him out of Paris.
SIMON: (Cries out.) But, my lord...
MARSHAL TAVANNES: Did you not hear me? You will be responsible for his safety. You will have to leave tomorrow's work to others. Now get out.
(SIMON leaves.)
MARSHAL TAVANNES: At dawn tomorrow, this city will weep tears of blood.
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE OF DE COLGINY'S RESIDENCE
(Two soldiers are on guard.)
FIRST GUARD: Oh well, it's nearly dawn.
SECOND GUARD: How many more nights have we got to watch over this Huguenot's house?
FIRST GUARD: Till the King decrees otherwise.
SECOND GUARD: But why does it have to be us?
(Out of sight of the GUARDS, the DOCTOR and STEVEN can see that their way is blocked.)
DOCTOR: We shall have to get past them to get back to the TARDIS.
STEVEN: Can we make a run for it?
DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. It's far too dangerous.
STEVEN: What do we do?
DOCTOR: For the moment we just wait.
(The GUARDS continue their conversation.)
FIRST GUARD: Won't be sorry to see the night over.
SECOND GUARD: Hello, what's this?
(Some more soldiers are marching towards them.)
FIRST GUARD: More orders I expect.
OFFICER: You're relieved. Go back to your quarters.
FIRST GUARD: Relieved, sir? It's not due for an hour or more.
OFFICER: Don't argue. Go quickly!
(The two GUARDS depart. The others take their place.)
STEVEN: Look, Doctor, soon it'll be light.
DOCTOR: I know, I know. Just keep quiet.
(The curfew bell begins to sound.)
DOCTOR: There's the Tocsin! The curfew's been lifted.
(He and STEVEN skirt round the soldiers and dash through the concealing gate and into the TARDIS. the soldiers begin battering at the door of DE COLIGNY'S house.)
OFFICER: Open up! In the King's name! Open this door!
(The TARDIS dematerialises. The sound can now be heard of the Paris mob rampaging through the streets slaughtering Huguenots. The massacre has begun...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(Within the TARDIS, STEVEN broods on what has happened, then...)
STEVEN: Surely there was something we could have done?
DOCTOR: No, nothing. Nothing. In any case, I cannot change the course of history, you know that. The Massacre continued for several days in Paris, then...then spread itself to other parts of France. Oh the senseless waste. What a terrible page of the past.
STEVEN: Did they all die?
DOCTOR: Yes. Most of them. About ten thousand in Paris alone.
STEVEN: The Admiral?
DOCTOR: Yes.
STEVEN: Nicholas?
DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Probably.
STEVEN: (Angry.) You had to leave Anne Chaplet, there to die!
DOCTOR: Anne Chaplet?
STEVEN: (Shouts.) The girl! The girl who was with me! If you'd brought her with us she needn't have died. But no, you had to leave her there to be slaughtered.
DOCTOR: Well, it is possible of course she didn't die, then I was right to leave her.
STEVEN: (Shouts.) Possible! Look, how possible! That girl was already hunted by the Catholic guards. If they killed ten thousand how did they spare her? No, you don't know, do you? You can't say for certain that you weren't responsible for that girl's death.
DOCTOR: I was not responsible.
STEVEN: Oh no! You just sent her back to her aunt's house where the guards were waiting to catch her. I tell you this much, Doctor, wherever this machine of yours lands next I'm getting off. If your... 'researches' have so little regard for human life then I want no part of it.
(The ship travels on in uneasy silence for a few moments more, then starts to materialise. The DOCTOR checks the controls. On the scanner appears an image of woodland.)
DOCTOR: We've landed.
(He activates some more controls.)
DOCTOR: Your mind is made up?
(STEVEN opens the TARDIS doors and turns to leave.)
STEVEN: Goodbye.
DOCTOR: My dear Steven, history sometimes gives us a terrible shock. That is because we don't quite fully understand. Why should we? After all, we're all too small to realise its final pattern. Therefore, don't try and judge it from where you stand. I was right to do as I did. Yes, that I firmly believe.
(STEVEN walks out of the TARDIS without a word. The DOCTOR is totally alone.)
DOCTOR: Even after all this time he cannot understand. I dare not change the course of history. Well, at least I taught him to take some precautions. He did remember to look at the scanner before he opened the doors. Now... they're all gone. All gone. None of them...could understand. Not even...my little Susan...or Vicki ...and yes ... Barbara and Chatterton... Chesterton! They were all too impatient to get back to their own time. And now... Steven. Perhaps I should go home, back to my own planet. But I can't. (Upset.) I can't.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. WIMBLEDON COMMON
(Outside, a young GIRL, looking very anxious, runs down the lane beside the TARDIS. She passes a woman bystander, sees the police box and bursts inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(Breathlessly, she stares around her. The DOCTOR spots her.)
DOCTOR: Who are you?
GIRL: Where's the telephone?
DOCTOR: What did you say?
GIRL: The telephone, I've got to ring up!
DOCTOR: Oh, pull yourself together, child. I... I think you've made a mistake.
GIRL: Who are you? Are you the police?
DOCTOR: Oh good gracious of course not, hmm.
GIRL: Well, this is a police box. It says so outside.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. I, I know. But it isn't, if you know what I mean. Now run along and find another police box. In any case, child, what do you want to do with the police?
GIRL: There's been an accident. A little boy's been hurt and I've got to 'phone the police.
DOCTOR: Oh well, I'm afraid I can't help you. No, you must run along and 'phone the police somewhere else. And the same time 'phone for an ambulance.
GIRL: Wait a minute, if this isn't a police box, what is it? And who are you?
DOCTOR: Well, my dear, er, I'm a doctor of science, and this machine is for travelling through time and relative dimensions in space. Now you...
GIRL: Come again?
DOCTOR: Oh never mind, my dear. Never mind, run along. (He laughs.)
GIRL: There's something odd going on.
DOCTOR: (Exasperated.) Oh please, child...
(The DOCTOR is interrupted by STEVEN charging back into the TARDIS.)
STEVEN: Doctor, quick! You've got to take off.
DOCTOR: Oh, so you've come back, my boy!
STEVEN: Yes, yes, I've come back. We can't go into that now. There are two policemen coming over the common towards the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Policemen? Coming here? Good gracious me! They'll want to use the telephone or, or something like it.
(The DOCTOR closes the TARDIS doors and dematerialises the ship.)
STEVEN: Oh, that was close.
DOCTOR: Well, tell me, young man, what made you change your mind?
(STEVEN ignores the DOCTOR as he suddenly notices the GIRL.)
STEVEN: How did you get in here?
GIRL: On me feet, the same as you did.
STEVEN: Look, do you realise what's happening? We've taken off! We could land anywhere!
GIRL: Are we really travelling? Where to?
STEVEN: We're travelling in time and space. We're not on Earth any more. We could land anywhere in any age.
GIRL: (Laughing.) Tell us another one!
STEVEN: Doctor, how could you?
DOCTOR: What else could I do, dear boy? You don't want a couple of policemen aboard the TARDIS do you? You know you're the most inconsistent young man? Just now you were telling me off for not having that Chaplet girl aboard!
STEVEN: Ah, that was different!
(STEVEN returns his attention to the GIRL.)
STEVEN: This is no joyride you know. You may never get home again!
GIRL: I don't care!
STEVEN: What about your parents?
GIRL: I haven't got any. I live with my great aunt. And she won't care if she never sees me again.
DOCTOR: Oh, now, there you see! All this fuss about nothing! Hmm, hmm, hmm! Don't you think she looks rather like my grandchild Susan?
STEVEN: You forget, I've never met your granddaughter.
DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. No, of course not! No. Yes, but she does you know. What is your name, child?
DODO: Dodo.
DOCTOR: What?
DODO: It's Dorothea really. Dorothea Chaplet.
STEVEN: (Shocked.) Chaplet?! Yes, but you're not French are you?
DODO: Don't be daft! Me granddad was though.
STEVEN: Doctor, it's not possible is it? Chaplet? Anne's great great...
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it is possible, my boy. Very possible. Welcome aboard the TARDIS, Miss Dorothea Chaplet.
DODO: Dodo!
DOCTOR: Ah, my dear! My dear!
(The DOCTOR laughs.)


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters, having just woken up.]
Joey: Morning!
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I'm late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! You're gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey: Yeah-Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I'm not looking for a serious relationship; that'd be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, y'know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I'm a loner-No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn't want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Y'know what? That's a lot to remember, can't I just tell her you're a pig?
Joey: Hey, I'm gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He'd even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he'd make extras and leave 'em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where'd we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey's Date: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey's Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey's Date: You must be Rachel, I'm Erin.
Rachel: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U's University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: ...Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow that's actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let's just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I'm so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
[Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it's too dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn't taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can't be that good a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Colonel: OH...MY...GAWD!!!! (Yep, it's Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky b*st*rd! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet's most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She's the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
Monica: I'm fine.
Janice: (notices Monica's engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I'm blind!
Monica: Oh... Uh...
Janice: So, who's the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OH...MY...GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn't tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y'know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no, right?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: You said no, right?!
Monica: Well, she cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can't wait to read your book, Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think, she's just gonna sit there quietly? You don't think she's gonna want to make a toast? You don't think she's gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either, is she?!
Chandler: Y'know what? It's gonna be okay. Y'know what? She's probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica: So-so you would've just lied?
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler: Yes!!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned, are there.]
Joey: Hey! What's up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, who's your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I've got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Phoebe: Okay!
Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya.
Rachel: Oh and I'll call ya too!
Erin: Or I'll call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye.
Rachel: Bye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y'know we got to talking and I...
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Joey: What?!!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Rachel: Cupid.
Phoebe: Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on, she's so perfect for you! I mean, she's sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she's a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just-I don't see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look, I'm sorry you guys, I-I just don't think so.
Phoebe: Whatever.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, don't start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You're the one who's in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you're the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: I'm sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin' babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was-there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read-Yes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin' out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now what's the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look who's here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What's wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Who's birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Alison's birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how old is Alison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey's not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don't you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring to. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don't you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y'know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe: Didn't you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah, that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if we were ever to have kids, well that's a...
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin' about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don't get married before I do.
Joey: Okay.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It's been three hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don't you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it's going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure why we're having it.
Monica: It's actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh...wait...you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I'll be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So how's it goin' with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: I'm sorry I... It's just there's no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didn't you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don't think he does. And y'know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y'know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you're a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn't matter what she said. It's not important so I don't need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Erin: I'm sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let's go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were...we were just looking around.
Ross: Oh-oh, you're-you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh....
Ross: Ah... Ah...Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion's views far too progressionist.
Ross: I find Marion's views far too progressionist.
Woman: I'm sorry, who are you?
Ross: I'm a professor here uh, Ross...Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh-Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! You're the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y'know, you look nothing like I would've thought. You're...you're so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Ross: I am very...very sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still... And guess what, I'm thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It's a surprise, but it's gonna be tricky though because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she's not lookin' for a serious relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin' this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she's kind of a loner.
Joey: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Joey...
Joey: No hey Rach, it's cool okay? Y'know I'm a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, y'know what? You are way too good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell 'em you're not looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Don't do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There's a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn't really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren't they?
Janice: Please, it's because otherwise I really don't know what I might do.
Chandler: Aren't you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: We'll just...we'll just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your barcalounger.
Chandler: Is that what you're thinking about right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, I'm sorry but umm, you can't stay here tonight.
Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, I'm going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? 'Cause it's already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Janice: Why?
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: That's right. That's right. And that is why you can't stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn't come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Oh...my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I'll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Don't sweat it, I've got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I've got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people's eye-(The guard walks away)-Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)


Story by Mark J. Kunerth Teleplay by Richard Goodman
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
Chandler: Treeger's snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Whoa! Is this p0rn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill-maybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill-free phone s*x.
Joey: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I'm sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The p0rn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, y'know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: We don't know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey: Imagine a protective p0rn bubble if you will, okay?
Monica: Well at least, I'm going to mute it.
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Chandler: We still have p0rn.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That's too heavy.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Ohh, I'm getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y'know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Chandler: Or a job where you don't have to carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
Joey: Pheebs! You're blocking the p0rn! Look out!
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: Oh. Why didn't you take her?
Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y'know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so...
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free p0rn!
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Monica: Hey, cheer up! You're gonna see her again, right?
Ross: Well I, that's the thing, I don't know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let's just enjoy..."
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don't-don't do the accent. You've got to see her again.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No! Y'know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
Ross: Ahh.
Monica: Do you love her?
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y'know?
Monica: You love her!
Ross: What-what is love really?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You're probably just gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate. You're gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she's gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... (Ross looks at her.) I've been watching too much p0rn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby's heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: That's it.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why don't take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay?
The Doctor: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one!
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
Phoebe: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn't that different from giving birth to one.
Phoebe: What do you know?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe's stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y'know how when you're umm, you're walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that's nice?"
Frank: Yes.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you're going to have three babies.
Alice: Three babies?
Frank: I finally got my band!
Alice: We're gonna have a big family, I've always wanted a big family!
Phoebe: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.
Frank: Why would we be freaked?
Phoebe: No, no maybe 'cause it's harder to raise them, and the added expense, and...
Frank: (They're less than happy now) Oh.
Alice: Right.
Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
Alice: No-no-no, no, it's going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y'know it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
Frank: Yeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.
Phoebe: No you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
Alice: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah, y'know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y'know I figured y'know like I should y'know have like a career-and I love refrigerators!
Phoebe: You can't give up on your dream.
Frank: No, it's okay. We're-we're gonna have three kids! And that's-that's a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
Ross: That's, that's, that's a big candy bar. (She's holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
Emily: Me too.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
Emily: Well, that' me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I'm only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I've been thinking, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.
Emily: Oh. (She's shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
Ross: That's no problem.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Rachel: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long.
Chandler: It's the theme from Good Will Humping.
Rachel: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Rachel: Yes!
Joey: Yeah, he likes p0rn.
(Rachel starts to leave.)
Monica: Where ya going?
Rachel: I'm going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, 'cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They don't really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And well, what did she say?
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Oh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it's over.
Monica: It is not over! You're over!
Chandler: What?
Monica: You know!
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn't, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y'know just to she what's going on, and, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
Joey: Way to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a p0rn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Rachel: Well, so, why don't you just turn it off?
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free p0rn.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you're hear! Okay.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Well, what-what 'cha got there?
Phoebe: Oh this, well I'm glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you're thinking...
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Monica: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Honey, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
Chandler: What's the second part of your plan?
Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Emily: Ross.
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
Ross: No, no, that-that, that's all right. Umm, I'm just glad you called.
Emily: Ross umm, there's something that I've got to tell you, there's-there's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: She doesn't know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Monica: This isn't how it's supposed to go, there can't be another guy.
Ross: Well...
Monica: Of course there's another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!
Ross: I'm not proving anything. Okay, I'm done listening to you. If I hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would've put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Monica: You have to go to London!
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. 'Cause you already told her you love her and she didn't say it back, then she called you and told you that there's another guy, so yeah, go to London that'll scare her!
Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn't fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
Ross: No.
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
Ross: Really?
Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don't let her go without a fight!
Ross: All right. All right, I'm gonna do it!
Monica: All right.
Ross: I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to London and I'm going to fight for her.
Monica: Okay, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
Joey: Ross! Ross! If you're going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school!
Monica: That's sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised...
Phoebe: I'm telling it! I'm telling it!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I've got?
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
Phoebe: No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's...
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's not good.
Rachel: Well, I...
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello.
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
Ross: No, because she hasn't come home yet. And she hasn't been home all night! She's obviously staying with that other guy, and I'm the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
Ross: About four hours.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn't show up by then, then just come on home.
Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that's better than Relaxi Cab.
Rachel: Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab.
Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: What are you doing here? You can't be here!
Emily: I've uh, I've come to talk to Ross.
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
Emily: What?
Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
Emily: I was going to call him, but...
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I'm right, right?
Emily: I'd really rather talk to him.
Monica: Oh.
Emily: I uh, I've been to his apartment and he wasn't there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily's apartment. We hear Emily's phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily's answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say...]
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this but... (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I'm gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with you sister and your friends and it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you-Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I'm, I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can't hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if you'd heard any of that. I suppose I've either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you're listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there's not much chance you did heard that, and there's the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Ross: Hi.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the p0rn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: Noo! Nothing!
Chandler: Y'know what, we have to turn off the p0rn.
Joey: I think you're right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
Joey: One.
Chandler: Two.
Both: Three.
(Chandler turns off the p0rn and sets the remote down.)
Joey: That's kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, that's kinda a relief.
Joey: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler turns on the TV and...)
Chandler: FREE p0rn!!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Chandler: We have free p0rn here!!!


44th Episode of Roswell
Production Code: 3ADA01
[SCENE_BREAK]
Max: Are you ready?
Liz: Yeah, I think so.
Max: Liz, you don't have to do this.
Liz: No, max. We are in this together. That's what we said. Together till the end.
Liz: Down! Down! Now! Whoa! Down! Get down!
Max: Do what she says. She's crazy.
Liz: Face on the floor! Now! [East coast accent] yeah. I, uh...I wanna report an armed robbery in progress. At Sam's quick stop on highway 65. Yeah. Hurry.
Clerk: I have a family.
Liz: Hurry. We've only got a few minutes.
[Siren approaches]
Liz: just keep your face down! Keep your face down! The cops are coming. We gotta get outta here. Come on, let's go! Come on, let's go! Hurry up!
[Max, now in the room below the store sees the spaceship. He holds up a large diamond, and the ship begins to glow]
Liz: Come on. How'd they find us so fast?
Max: I don't know. All right, hold on!
Liz: Max, they can't find out about the diamond.
Officer: Hands! Let me see hands!
Liz: You got any powers for this?
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Max: Liz, there's something I need to tell you about Tess and me. Our relationship is, uh-- something happened. Liz, Tess is pregnant. I'm going back.
Liz: Just tell me one thing. Do you love her?
Max: Not like I love you.
Max: This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it?
Max: This isn't over, tess.
Isabel: What happens now, max?
Max: I have to save my son.
[Telephone rings]
Max: So I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, see me.
Liz: You mean, like, on a date?
Max: Just somewhere we can talk. I just want to try to start over, liz. You look amazing.
Liz: They're my favorite. Thank you. So where are we going?
Max: It's a surprise.
Liz: It's kind of dark.
Max: Liz, i just want to put everything that happened behind us.
Liz: Yeah, you know that I would, too, if i had impregnated an alien killer who murdered one of our best friends and then left the planet with my unborn child.
Max: So you're still holding on to that?
Liz: It's hard not to, max. See, you slept with tess, and then you got her pregnant. I don't know how to just move past that. You hurt me, you know?
Max: Liz, meeting someone, someone like me,
Liz: it attracted me. I admit that. It was something I had to find out about, and now I'm over it.
Max: It's not that simple. Liz, i'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Isabel, michael, and I, we've lost our only way home. There's no way back. You're the only or me to-- you're my only reason. I want to be with you.
Liz: Tess is pregnant with your child. What about your son?
Max: There's nothing i can do about that. He's gonna be born in a... In another world, a world that i have nothing to do with. I've accepted it. Liz, you've paid a lot to know me. You've been hurt and you've been put in danger. Now I want to make that up to you. I want to make your dreams come true. Will you let me do that?
Max: In the neighborhood?
[Sighs]
Mr. Evans: son. If you want to get out of here while you're still a young man, don't say anything to anyone unless i'm present. I'm not your father right now, I'm your lawyer.
Mrs. Evans: Oh, my god. Max.
Max: It's all right, mom. It's all right.
Mrs. Evans: Look at you. What is going on? Who are you? Why are you under arrest for armed robbery?
Mr. Evans: Now tell us what the hell are you doing in utah?!
Mrs. Parker: Jeff, stay calm. Calm?!
Mr. Parker: How am i gonna stay calm? [Ms]Honey, i know it isn't you. I know this is not something that you would do, but--but if you did do it, maybe it's because somebody put you up to it.
Liz: They put me
up to it. Right, mom.
Mr. Parker: Ok. That's enough! Now tell us what the hell happened.
Liz: I'm not gonna speak to anyone until they let me talk to max. Liz:
Liz: So I've broken, like, 12 of my mom's rules already.
Max: Rules? She has rules? Well, yeah. Yeah, since I told her that you broke my heart, without any of the alien details, of course. She thinks that we should just take things slow. Just dinner, then straight home, no plans for future dates. No making out.
Max: So i suppose skinny dipping would be against the rules, too.
Liz: Uh-huh. What are you doing, max? No. No, this is not happening. Ok, you've made your point. It's not that funny. You can stop now. What--no, max. Max. I can't believe you're gonna do this!
Max: Whoo! Come on in. It's beautiful. No, it's not. It is obviously freezing. Come on, liz. This is something we'll tell our grandchildren about. Come on in, liz. Come on.
Liz: Fine! Ok? Fine. Grandchildren. What are they gonna be, 3 feet tall and green? But, hey. I am not taking my underwear off. And if my mother, like, ever, ever t about this, you are, like, so dead. Ok? Do we have a deal? Max. Oh, max! Is that a deal, max? Huh? Max! Max, oh, my god!
Isabel: Max! Michael Just tell us what happened. Feel free to leave out the lurid details.
Liz: Look, I told you already. He was just, like, laying there in the water and he woke up in the car. But he hasn't said a single word. You guys, isn't there d of cure for this? You guys are the aliens. Do something here. Michael Maxwell! Hey, Maxwell! Maxwell! Hey, what the hell's going on?
Max: Something happened. I had this vision. It was my son. He's been born. He was reaching out to me. He's in trouble. Michael now if I'm to have any chance of graduating this year, I need to get into your bio 101 class.
Teacher: Why didn't you come to my bio 101 class when you were in it? Michael I'm turning over a new leaf.
Teacher: Excuse me while I take a moment to chuckle within. Michael Ok, lookit, plans changed. I thought I was moving out of Roswell, but as it turns out, I'm stuck here for good.
Teacher: And how far away did you plan to move that you didn't think that your high school records would've been sent to your new high school? Michael Actually, pretty far. Mr. Seligman, I know you hate my guts. Personally, I hate yours, too.
Teacher: This is how you ask a favor? Michael But if you help me graduate this year, then you won't have to see me next year.
Teacher: Well, you do have a point there. Ok, Mr.. Guerin, I will let you in to my biology 101 class if you make a sacred vow to me right now that you won't miss a single session.
Isabel: Michael, there you are.
Teacher: Miss Evans, I thought you graduated.
Isabel: I did, mr. Seligman, but I just can't seem to cut the cord. Too many fond memories. I need to talk to you. Michael I got class.
Isabel: It's important. Michael I will be one minute.
Teacher: I'm sure you will. Miss Evans, love the hair.
Isabel: Well, thank you. Michael So, what's going on?
Isabel: Max and Liz got arrested in Utah for armed robbery. We have to go.
Michael: So much for ever getting out of this school. What were they doing in Utah?
[In Utah]
Isabel: Mom!
Mrs. Evans: Isabel. Your father and i have been going crazy. Oh, hi. Philip!
Isabel: So what's going on?
Mrs. Evans: Well, we're still trying to figure out what happened with your brother and Liz.
Isabel: Hi, dad.
Mr. Evans: Hey. This is Jesse Ramirez from my office.
Isabel: We met at the company--
Jesse: picnic, that's right. Nice to see you again.
Isabel: Nice to see you again.
Mr Parker: So what have you found out, Philip?
Mr. Evans: A detention hearing has been set up for tomorrow with the judge. Max and liz are first-time offenders, no physical evidence has been produced, so we're hoping they get a slap on the wrist and get sent back home.
Mrs. Evans: Well, what about jail?
Mr. Evans: They can only go to jail if the case is transferred to the criminal court system and they get tried as adults. But so far that seems unlikely.
Jesse: Ok, they haven't found a gun, and there are no witnesses other than the nutcase behind the counter who claims to have seen an otherworldly yellow light.
Isabel: So as long as there's no evidence, max and Liz will be ok, right?
Mr. Evans: Yeah. Yeah, we certainly hope so.
Michael: Can we see them?
[Door opens]
Isabel: max! You idiot. What are you trying to do to our poor, clueless human parents?
Michael: So what's the deal? You running low on cigarettes?
Max: There's an underground government storage facility under the convenience store.
Michael: Well, that's a surprise.
Max: Our ship's there.
Michael You mean our spaceship?
Max: It's been reassembled. I saw it with my own eyes.
Michael: I can feel biology 101 slipping from my grasp.
Isabel: So, reassembled that means it works?
Max: Possibly.
Isabel: I thought we made an agreement to let go of the other world and live here.
Max: That was before my son tried to contact me.
Isabel: Max, a little reality check. This ship you're talking about...Sucks. It's a lemon. It crashed to begin with. That's why we're stuck here. Michael She's got a point.
Max: Look, I need you to find something for me. I had to toss it before we were arrested.
Isabel: No. No, we are not helping s absurd plan to find a spaceship, ok? This is ridiculous.
Max: This isn't about getting to a spaceship. Liz and I stole it. It's a diamond.
Isabel: You stole a diamond?
Max: It's not actually a diamond. It's the key to our ship. It's alien, and if we don't find it before the police do, we'll be linked to another crime. We'll never get out of here. Michael So what does it look like?
[Scene switches to the past, Max and Liz looking at Tess' things]
Liz: Hey, i've been for you.
Max: Yeah. Yeah, I was just, uh--
Liz: looking through tess' stuff. What's that?
Max: It was buried among tess' things. It's a letter Nasedo wrote to her before he died. It says, "I am your one and only protector on this planet. "I'll protect you until the end. "If I ever die, this is our only way to communicate with our home."
Liz: And?
Max: I have to contact my son
Liz: So i guess this part of your life isn't over after all.
[Michael is in a field looking for the diamond- a man with a gun confronts him]
Michael Mandatory attendance, I understand. Yeah. An attitude improvement? I'm already on that. And a respect for authority, yeah, absolutely. Mr. Seligman, I gotta call you back.
Man: Who was that? Michael It's my science teacher. I'm trying to graduate high school.
Man: Why don't you just get a G.E.D.? Michael No one hires anyone with a g.E.D.
Man: I got a G.E.D. I'm doing fine. Michael Yeah, you're on a nice career path there.
Man: I got a message for your friend max. Stop looking. The person i work for will do whatever is necessary to stop him. Whatever is necessary. Michael Whatever, dude.
[Gunshot]
Man: don't be such a smart ass. Maybe that's your problem in school, too. Don't make me come back to Utah.
[Maria arrives in Utah]
Maria: Why can't these aliens ever get in trouble somewhere decent? Like Graceland or Tahoe or New Orleans. No, Utah. Mormons and mountains.
Liz: Oh, my god, Maria. I can't believe you're here.
Maria: Who am i, liz? Of course I'm here.
Liz: Ok, thanks. Now give me some sugar.
Maria: Hi. Mmm. Hi. Ok, first of all, I have some fresh green lime pie from the Crashdown.
Liz: Oh, Maria, you-- you are a goddess. You know, if you were a boy, I would--
Maria: ok, no, don't go there, girlfriend. All right, now i talked to everyone involved, and I got the total unadulterated scoop. The judge and D.A. of this town are, like, totally sweating it because they have to go before council next month for reappointment and they haven't caught a criminal in, like, a decade, so they're basically out for your scalps. Ok, that's all i have. Now it's your turn. Spill. Last i heard, you and max were trying to take it slow.
Max: What? Mmm. What's going on, liz?
Liz: Do you love me?
Liz: Yes. How much do you
Max: who are you?
Liz: Look at this.
Max: How'd you find this?
Liz: I spent 16 hours at the main branch of the library in Albuquerque. The diamond's owned by Delores Browning, one of the 10 wealthiest women in the world.
Max: Where is it?
Liz: It's on permanent loan at the Tate museum in London. But it's gonna be the main event in a traveling exhibit. It'll be in Santa Fe in two weeks.
Liz: No, no, no, no, no. I want to do this with you, max. Together.
Max: Why?
Liz: Because if i had lost a child, I would want you to help me find him. But that's only part of the reason. The other part is that i don't want you to slip away from me. I know what it's like to be with you, and I know what it's like to be apart from you. And I would rather be with you.
Max: I don't know if i could live with myself if anything ever happened to you.
Liz: Max, you're an alien king. What could ever happen to me?
[In the present], Isabel knocks on Jesse's door
Isabel: thank you for this meeting, Mr.. Ramirez.
Jesse: No problem, Isabel.
Isabel: Mmm! Why didn't you tell me you were here?
Jesse: I was working all night with your father. I couldn't call.
Isabel: Oh, I just wish this could all be out in the open.
Jesse: I'm still not sure why it can't be.
Isabel: Well, there's the fact that you're 26 and I'm barely legal.
Jesse: you're an old soul. You have clearly lived before.
Isabel: You have no idea. So, what were you and my father holding back from us before?
Jesse: What do you mean?
Isabel: I saw the look between the two of you earlier. Clearly you're not telling us the whole story. Jesse...
Jesse: Last year there was a robbery in the county. A kid died. No one was ever charged, and the local prosecutor got a lot of heat for it. So... This town is looking for someone to hang.
Jesse: Max and liz picked a bad place to play bonnie and clyde.
[Telephone rings]
Jesse: hello? Philip. Oh, just, uh, working on some research. Ok, I'll be right over. That was your dad. They found evidence.
[Scene switches to the past, and the museum]
Max: The honor's mine. So you're the Delores Browning?
Mrs. Browning: Well, I don't usually put an article before my name but, yes, I am.
Max: So what's it like to actually own all these diamonds?
Mrs. Browning: I only own some of them. Well, most of them, actually. So you're-- max. And you're not really ly a waiter. You're really an aspiring artist or actor or--
Max: no. I'm just a waiter.
Mrs. Browning: A waiter? [Laughs] god bless you.
Liz: What the hell are you doing?
Max: Oh, liz.
Liz: What the hell are you doing?
Max: Nothing.
Liz: Nothing. I can't believe you. How many times have i stuck my neck out for you, and you are standing here obviously flirting with a woman obviously-- come on, she's, like, twice your age.
Max: Liz, calm down.
Liz: : Calm down!
Max: I better be going. I'm sorry.
Liz: Oh, my god! You're apologizing to this bimbo?!
Mrs. Browning: Excuse me?
Max: Liz, let's just walk away and forget it.
Liz: Forget it. You think that's your answer to everything, isn't it, max? Forget everything, ignore everything.
Security Guard: Excuse me, ma'am. Could you come with me, please?
Liz: Can you please not touch me?! Listen, this is what he does, ok? You, you're not special. He does this to everyone. You are a little bit too desperate to see what is really going on here!
Max: Liz, will you just stop it?
Liz: Why?!
Mrs. Browning: Young lady, I don't think you have any idea who you're speaking to.
Liz: Oh, I don't, huh?
Mrs. Browning: Ohh!
Max: Don't touch her!
[Max pushes a guard, the diamond falls, and Max does a somersault and catches it]
[Alarm bell rings]
Max: I believe this is yours. I'm sorry.
Liz: Get me out of here.
Max: Liz--
Liz: you have humiliated me again. Now get me out of here. Did you get it?
Max: Of course i did. We did it.
Liz: You were brilliant.
Max: No, you were brilliant.
Liz: That was so exhilarating.
Max: I know.
Liz: You know, just the fact that we, like, pulled it off. everything. It's just, like, anything's possible right now. And then throwing that champagne at that woman, it was so cathartic. Look, and, max, I know what we did is totally... Totally wrong and completely illegal, but I just loved it. You know? In a million years, in one million years did you ever think? Yeah. So, now that the diamond, we have to find the spaceship, right?
Max: Well, not right this second.
Liz: Ok. [Giggles]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[At Liz's home]
Mr. Parker: Liz! It's 2:00 in the morning. Where the hell have you been?
Liz: Upstairs.
Mr. Parker: Where were you?
Liz: Nowhere.
Mr. Parker: And what are you wearing?
Liz: Clothes.
Lawyer: That's just the way things work here. She'll be fine.
Mr. Evans: Nancy, Jeff, hi. Mr. McGregor
Lawyer: Nice to see you again, Mr.. Evans.
Mr. Parker: Mr. McGregor here was just giving us the inside scoop on the Salina court system.
Mr. Evans: Ah, how generous.
Lawyer: Well, nice to meet you folks. Nancy, Jeff. You're good people. Your daughter deserves her best shot.
Mr. Evans: What was that about?
Mr. Parker: He's trying to put our kids in jail.
Mrs. Evans: Mr. McGregor just feels that we'd be better off pleading guilty.
Mr. Evans: Well, he'd certainly be better off. He's a prosecutor. His job is to get a guilty plea.
Mr. Parker: But he said that if we plead not guilty, it could provoke the judge and he'd be that much more likely to transfer the case to a criminal court.
Mr. Evans: Jeff, if we plead guilty to a felony, then there's a case against them in criminal court. We can't give them that option. Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
Mrs. Parker: No, it's just this isn't personal, Phil. It's just that you're a corporate lawyer and this is not your area of expertise.
Mr. Evans: Nancy, Jeff, that man you were talking to wants a guilty plea, and he'll say and do anything he has to to get it. If we plead guilty, I guarantee you this case is going to criminal court. Look, our children are in this together. We're all in this together. Believe me, I am doing right by your daughter.
[Scene switches to court]
Judge: Do you understand the charges against you?
Max and liz: Yes, your honor.
Judge: How do you plead?
Max: Not guilty.
Liz: Not guilty.
Judge: All right, then, you can have a seat. Now, mr. Mcgregor and Mr.. Evans, I've reviewed the material you've submitted--
Mr. Evans: your honor, before you make a ruling on this, I have additional material that i feel is critical to this case.
Judge: All right, let's see it, Mr.. Evans.
Mr. Evans: Thank you. These are 4 recent rulings in Utah state courts, all of which disallowed dna matches from hair follicles to be submitted as evidence. Uh, your honor, in consideration of the fact that these few strands of hair are the only physical evidence in this case and there are no priors on eitherr defendant who are both standout students and members of their community, I ask that this matter be dismissed.
Judge: All right. Well, thank you, Mr.. Evans, I'll take that under consideration.
Judge: Max evans. It's the decision of this court that you be released to the custody of your parents, that you be returned to your home state of New Mexico if you will agree not to return to the state of Utah until your 21st birthday. Do you agree with that, Mr.. Evans?
Max: Yes, your honor.
Judge: Very good. Have a seat. Elizabeth parker. Now, your voice and your height match the description of the person in possession of the firearm. Armed robbery's one of the 10 crimes punishable under Utah's serious shooter offender act. Therefore it is my decision to transfer your case to the criminal court system.
Mr. Evans: But, your honor, there was no gun found. The only mention of a gun was from the testimony of a clerk whose credibility--
Judge: I've made my decision, Mr.. Evans. This is for another court to consider.
Mrs. Parker: Oh, my god!
Mrs. Parker: You can't do this!
Mr. Evans: Your honor, this girl has never so much as jay-walked. She's one of the best students in Roswell high.
Judge: Well, you're not in Roswell, counsel. This hearing's adjourned.
Mrs. Parker: Oh, my god, no! No, you can't take her! You can't--no!
Mr. Evans: It'll be ok. Liz-- liz, we'll talk, ok?
[Later in the courthouse]
Lawyer: liz, i've reviewed your case with your parents, and my advice as your attorney is to try to make a deal.
Liz: What kind of deal?
Lawyer: You're a good kid, liz. Honor student, clubs, activities. Maybe you fell in with a bad crowd, met a guy with a problem. Maybe max dragged you into this.
Liz: You want me to sell max out?
Lawyer: He sold you out when he made you walk in there holding that gun.
Liz: We're in this together.
Mrs. Parker: Not anymore. Honey, you could go to jail for 20 years.
Lawyer: Let's talk about the gun. Did max convince you to hold it? How'd you get it to begin with?
[Scene swithces to the past]
Liz: So, why do we need this?
Max: Road trip.
Liz: Where?
Max: I did some research at the UFO center. There are 5 government storage facilities large enough to hold the ship. It's gotta be in one of them.
Liz: I don't see a government facility , do you?
Max: Let's take a look.
Max: Don't worry. It won't be loaded.
Liz: To go in there with a gun, that's a felony. Why can't I just distract the clerk?
Max: That's not enough time. I need at least 5 minutes to get downstairs, see if the ship's there, and if it works.
Liz: And what if it works? I mean, you go off to Antar and what? I mean, what if you never come back?
Max: I will come back. And I'm not leaving yet. First I have to see if this is even a possibility. I'm gonna have to figure out how to navigate it.
Liz: We can't get caught.
Max: We won't.
[In the present, Max opens Liz's cell]
Max: Let's go.
Liz: What do you mean?
Max: Let's get out of here.
Liz: Max, and then what? Just be on the run the rest of our lives? We'd never be able to go home again.
Max: That's not as bad as it sounds.
Liz: No, max, i'm sorry, but that's just too far for me. I'm not ready to give up my home or my family.
Max: I wish we could trade places.
Liz: No. No, no, no, max. Ok, I don't. You're free. We came here for a reason because your son is in trouble. Now you need to go back and do what we came for. You know, see if your ship works. Come on. I don't want this to all be for nothing.
[At the hotel]
[Knock on door]
Max: how's it going?
Michael: Maria's been crying about Liz the whole night. Other than that, things are great.
Max: I need the diamond.
Michael: Maxwell, i told you that guy scared the crap out of me. There's someone out there that wants us to stay away. And you know what? He convinced me.
Max: I'll be careful. Michael, my son is in trouble. Just give me the-- give me the diamond.
Michael: I would do it for you. You tell Isabel that you came in here and you found it yourself.
[Max gets the diaomond from the undr the couch- Maria wakes up]
Max: Hey.
Maria: How could you make Liz hold the gun?
[Max in the hall, sees Isabel]
Max: Hey. Isn't your room down the hall? Yeah. I was just in there with Maria.
Max: In there. You were in there with Maria?
Max: Where you going? My stuff's in the trunk.
Isabel: All right. Well, good night.
Max: Yeah. Good night.
[Max gets into his car]
Agent Burns: Max. I'm sorry. I have to, uh-- please. Agent burns of the fbi. So, why sam's quik stop?
Max: My case has been dismissed.
Agent Burns: By the sheriff's office maybe. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're just an incompetent criminal. But if you were in that store for any other reason, ... If you don't stop, you and your girlfriend will not be happy juvenile delinquents.
[Max is reliving the past]
Max: I have to contact my son. My son is in trouble. Just give me the diamond.
Isabel: I thought we made an agreement to let go of the other world and live here.
Max: That was before my son tried to contact me.
Liz: I want to do this with you, max. Together.
Max: Why?
Liz: Because if I had a child that i had lost, I would want you to help me find him. Max: I couldn't live with myself if anything ever happened to you.
Liz: Come on. We came out here for a reason because your son is in trouble. Go back and do what we came here to do.
[Max is in the basement, but the ship is gone]
Mr. Evans: What the hell's going on, son?
Max: You followed me here?
Mr. Evans: Yes. Yes, I followed you here. Because I can no longer trust you me the truth. I thought you were involved in drugs. But this is clearly something else. What were you looking for down here, max? What is this place?
Max: If i told you what this was about, it would put you and mom in danger.
Mr. Evans: And what's this?
Max: Don't touch that, dad. It could be toxic.
Mr. Evans: Why would there be a toxic chemical in the basement of a convenience store?
Max: Just don't touch it, dad.
Mr. Evans: Max, if this is what you think it is, we might be able to help liz.
Max: What are you talking about? How?
[Scene switches to a road]
Agent Burns: Mr. Evans. It's nice to meet you. Agent burns of the fbi. We now have jurisdiction.
Mr. Evans: So, maybe someone can tell me why the fbi is so interested in 2 teenagers robbing a convenience store.
Agent Burns: Actually, mr. Evans, we're not. We tested the so-called toxic chemical you submitted to the sheriff, and it turned out to be laundry detergent.
Max: It did? Well, we did our own test and it turned out to be tetryl.
Max: Now i'm sure there are any number of people in the media that would be interested to find out why such a dangerous chemical was found underneath a convenience store. And even more interested to find out the location was on federally owned property.
Agent Burns: You two are lucky to be walking away from this alive. You give me that jar now, and you were never here. You never saw anything under that convenience store, you never found any chemical there.
Mr. Evans: It's gonna be difficult not to ever mention this again if that girl is still in jail, Mr.. Burns.
[Back at the jail]
Mrs. Parker: Could you give us a minute?
Liz: What's going on?
Mrs. Parker: The charges were dropped.
Liz: What?
Mrs. Parker: Max's father discovered improper conduct with the arresting officer, and so they dismissed the case.
Liz: Oh, my god, mom. Oh, my god.
Mr. Parker: Liz, before we leave, there's something i need to talk to you about.
Liz: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: Your mother and I forbid you to see max anymore. He's not welcome at our restaurant. You are not to go out on a date with him, or attend the same parties. If you pass him in school, you are to look the other way.
Mrs. Parker: It's for the best.
Mr. Evans: Max... There was over $200 left in that cash register. You didn't do it for the money. I never believed you did it for some adolescent thrill. You did it because you wanted to get down those stairs into that room. And I need you to tell me why.
Max: I can't ever tell you the truth. Please, don't make me lie to you.
Mr. Evans: I'm sorry, son. Silence is not acceptable. And neither is a lie, not after what we've just been through. No. Not under my roof.
Max: I can respect that. I just want to thank you for helping Liz. I'll always appreciate that.
Max: I'll come by home to pack my things. Good-bye, dad.
[Max sees Liz come out and drive off with her parents. He gets in his car and leaves. The final scene is him sleeping in his car looking at the stars]