Act One
MAMMA MIA!
Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are sat chatting.
Niles: Oh, I got your message about the wine club, Friday night, and yes, I will be there.
Frasier: Oh, good, Dad's kicking me out of the house that night so he and Sherry can have a little party. [laughs] Oh, I don't know. Life really is a circle, isn't it? I'm letting Dad use my place for his friends to get together, and just a few years ago it would have been Dad who'd have to leave his house for my parties.
Niles: Yes, if you'd had any parties when we were young that would be filled with irony!
Daphne enters and sits with them.
Daphne: Thank goodness you're here, I've got some rather shocking news.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.
Frasier: [shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?
Daphne: Not around, in! An engagement ring in a jewelry box.
Niles: An engagement ring? Dad must be about to ask Sherry to marry him. Do you know what that means?
Frasier: Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on [in horror] the banjo!
Niles: It means she's going to be our mother. What are we going to do?
Frasier: Well, there's nothing we can do, Niles. It's what Dad wants.
Niles: But... what do we even call her?
Frasier: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "mother." No, that's too formal. "Mama"... no, "Ma!"
Niles: [in dread] Ooh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma." "Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma." "Off to the roller derby, Ma'?"
Daphne: That's typical of you two. Your father is about to get married and all you two can think about is how it will affect you. [pause] What about me?!
Frasier: What about you?
Daphne: Sherry's never exactly liked me. You don't think she'll try to make your father get rid of me, do you?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you.
Niles: Yes, and even if by some chance that were to happen, Daphne, I could always use you. [realizing innuendo] I, I would know of a position you could take... [digging into a hole] ...services that you could perform. [holds himself, then:] I would know of an opening... [realizes the path he has taken and takes up the check] This is on me.
Daphne nods at him in confusion.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Niles and Frasier are sat on the sofa as Sherry and Martin prepare for their party.
Sherry: Marty, you need to stir the dip more, it's got whole lumps of soup mix in it.
Martin: Sorry.
Frasier: My, my, my, quite a little shindig you two are planning for tonight. We have the cheese logs, the erotic fortune cookies. For after dinner, a bloopers tape: "Too Hot For Hee-Haw."
Niles: I see that Martha Stewart party book I gave you really paid off.
Sherry: Oh, this old crowd, they wouldn't go for that fru-fru stuff. Get 'em liquored up, put out some corn nuts and they can go all night.
Frasier: When you say all night-?
Martin: [finishes stirring] There you go, smooth as silk.
Sherry: [kisses him] Thank you.
Niles: Who's going to be attending this soirée?
Sherry: Oh, just some old friends I'm dying for Marty to meet. Now, let's see, there's Ray and Lola Sherwood - well, I worked with them in Atlantic City when they had a knife-throwing act. Oh, now, Marty, try not to stare at her eyes, she gets self-conscious. And, let's see. Oh, and Edith's coming with her new fiancé.
Martin: Oh, she finally met him, huh?
Sherry: Mm, just this week.
Niles: They're engaged and they just met this weekend?
Sherry: Well, you see, up until now, it's been kind of a pen-pal relationship. He's been... detained the last few years.
Frasier: Well, you know, you're going to need some room for those corn nuts, why don't I just get this pesky priceless sculpture out of your way!
Frasier hurriedly removes the Chihuly to his room.
[N.B. Since the Chihuly is a genuine work of art, valued at upwards of $75,000, it is always removed from the set before any scene that involves rough-housing in the living room.]
Sherry: Marty, I never heard back from Vic and Linda, did you get a message?
Martin: No.
Sherry: Oh, gee, maybe they left one on my machine.
Sherry phones through to her machine.
Martin: So, what are you guys up to tonight?
Niles has just read one of the fortune cookies, and is gaping when he suddenly realizes Martin's question.
Niles: Em, our wine club is having a vertical tasting at the "Opus One."
Martin: Oh, well, don't drink too much.
Niles: [laughs] It's not like that, Dad, you don't actually drink the wine. You just swish it around and spit it out.
Martin: We all did that at Duke's New Year's Eve party. Of course, it wasn't wine, it was egg salad!
Frasier enters as Sherry hangs up.
Sherry: You know, that is so weird. I just got a message from my manager down at McGinty's. Some guy came in asking a lot of questions about me.
Martin: What kind of questions?
Sherry: Well, like where I used to work, the people I used to date, and the weirdest part is, my neighbor told me somebody came around asking her about me too.
Martin: Sounds like somebody's checking up on ya'.
Sherry: Like a detective?
Martin: Oh no, it's probably a credit card company, something like that, I wouldn't worry about it.
Martin gets up from the table and casually walks toward Frasier and Niles, as Sherry goes into the kitchen.
Sherry: Well, still, it is a little scary. I wish I knew who it was.
Martin: Oh, forget about it, I've been through this before. Private investigators never leave a trail. Really, it could be anyone.
Sherry: If you think so.
Once she's into the kitchen, Martin rounds on Frasier and Niles.
Martin: [whispering furiously] Which one of you hired him?!
Frasier: Well, that is just crazy!
Martin: Oh, come on, who else would have the money to do something like that?
Frasier: I have no idea, we have nothing to do with it. Do you really think that we would hire someone to spy on Sherry? My God, I'm insulted!
Niles: As am I!
Martin: Well, all right. Maybe I was jumping to the wrong conclusion.
Frasier: You most certainly have!
Martin: I'm sorry, boys.
Frasier: It's all right, Dad.
Niles: Just forget about it.
Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier rounds on Niles.
Frasier: [whispering furiously] You hired a detective, how could you?!
Niles: I have never been so insul-!
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Okay, I'm sorry. I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman?
Frasier: She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.
Niles: Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.
Frasier: Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!
Niles: I was just simply trying to get some background information.
Frasier: Well, stop it. Call it off right now, Niles.
Niles: Consider it done.
Frasier: All right.
Niles: We gotta run.
Frasier: Yeah. [shouts through] Goodbye.
Martin: [o.s] Bye, boys.
Sherry: [o.s] Have a nice time you two, we'll save you some cake.
Frasier: Thank you. [to Niles] You see that, how sweet she is? My God, I can't believe you're actually having that woman investigated. You know, try to have a little trust in people!
Frasier quickly takes one of his precious African art sculptures from the table and into his jacket for safety before leaving with Niles.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Roz enters as she meets Frasier. Niles is sat on a front table discussing matters with a detective.
Roz: You see someone following me?
Frasier: Yes, you can play along now.
A female police officer enters as Roz and Frasier sit. The officer has a rather large stomach.
Police: Ah, excuse me, ma'am, I saw you cross against the light. I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
Roz: [winded voice] Oh, well, I'm really sorry about that. It's just that it's so cold out there and the pollution, I just didn't want to expose my unborn child to the elements any longer than I needed to. [Roz stands revealing her bump]
Police: You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.
Roz: Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? [pats officer's "bump"] So, when are you due?
Police: I'm not pregnant!
Roz: [submitting] That's Roz Doyle.
Police: Would you step over here?
Roz: R-O-Z.
Frasier goes to Niles and the detective.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Oh, hello, Frasier. May I borrow your pen?
Frasier: Certainly. [hands it over as he shakes the detective's hand] How do you do?
Niles: [writes check] I appreciate all your hard work and I am sorry to have to break off the investigation in the middle.
Detective: That's all right, people change their minds all the time.
Niles: I'm sure they do. [hands it over] There you are.
Detective: Thank you.
The detective leaves.
Frasier: There now, don't you feel better?
Niles: I suppose so.
Frasier: You have to admit, I was right on this one. There was absolutely no justification for giving into your baser instincts of prying in Sherry's past.
The detective comes back.
Detective: I almost forgot. I wrote up a little report on what I found out so far. That's one interesting lady.
He hands them a brown envelope and exits.
Niles: Well, I should have just told him to drop that in the trash. After all, we're concerned with Dad's happiness. Sometimes, Frasier, you are like the beacon piercing the fog of my baser instincts. [to waitress] Excuse me, would you just drop that in the...
Frasier snatches it off of him as she disperses.
Frasier: I see your point. [opens the envelope] I hate myself for what I'm doing.
Niles: Frasier, we're doing it for Dad's own good.
Frasier: [reads document] Oh, so far, so good: graduated from high school; almost paid off her Subaru; you know she's been married.
Niles: Yes, she mentioned that, to Johnny Dempsey.
Frasier: There were two others. Ned Foley, Mark Wallace...
Niles: That's a bit troubling, three previous marriages.
Frasier: ...Vincent Mayhew, Guiltham Mandel, Waltz...
Niles: Just give me the total!
Frasier: Six that we know of. God, you had to go and fire that detective before he finishes reporting!
Niles: Six? [reads them]
Frasier: Yes, she's obviously incapable of remaining in a relationship. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, does it?
Niles: And on the other hand, it does bode well for Dad getting a "yes" when he proposes. He has a right to know about this.
Frasier: But we already told him we weren't involved in the investigation, we can't just tell him now we were lying!
Niles: Maybe there's some way to impart the information without explaining how we came by it. You know, just sort of drop it casually in the conversation.
Frasier: And how would that go? [deadpan:] Oh, Dad, you going to the Sherry Ex-Husband Convention this year? Besides that, you know, Dad may know everything already.
Niles: I think we need to find that out. How would we feel if we let Dad marry this woman, and in a year's time he's tossed aside like Danny Mitchell.
Frasier: Who's that?
Niles: Page five, engaged but never married.
[SCENE_BREAK]
End of Act One
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act Two
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne and Niles are sat on the couch whilst Frasier is standing as Martin walks in wearing his best clothes from his room.
Martin: Hey, boys. [they greet him] Daph', what do you think about this jacket? I don't know, it just - something doesn't quite feel right.
Daphne: I think it's nice.
Martin: Really?
Daphne: Yes.
Martin goes to the powder room to smarten himself.
Frasier: You know, Dad, I was talking with a lady today down at the café and I happened to mention that I'd been married twice before, and a look clouded over her face as if I'd confessed to some unspeakable sin!
Niles: Makes you wonder what people go through who've been married even more times than that. Quite a taboo they face.
Daphne: Oh, I don't know, some...
The boys quiet her, the she looks confused.
Frasier: You know, Dad, I think it harkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
Martin: [enters] There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family. Maybe, it's the shirt, do you like this shirt?
Daphne: Yes, it's nice.
Frasier: That'd make a good topic to discuss on my show. Niles, you know the hurdles that are faced by people with multiple marriages.
Niles: Of course, the hard part would be rounding up enough people who've been married a significant number of times. Do you know anyone?
Frasier: No, I don't.
Daphne: You know, Mrs. Krabs upstairs-
Frasier: How about you, Dad?
Martin: Oh, yeah, sure, I know some people.
Frasier: Really? You do.
Martin: Well, I think.
Niles: You think.
Martin: Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, who cares? I hate this shirt, I better go change this shirt!
Martin exits.
Frasier: Well, that was fruitless!
Daphne: I'll tell you one thing I'm sure of.
Daphne stares into space as Frasier and Niles look at her inquisitively.
Frasier: Yes?!
Daphne: Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I? [pause] I've never seen your father so nervous. He's meeting Sherry at McGinty's, I bet he's planning to pop the question.
Niles: Well, that's it Frasier, we're just going to tell him what we found out.
Frasier: Yes, but we still don't know what he knows.
Niles: Don't you think if she had told him she had been married six times, then he would remember?
Daphne: Who, Sherry?
They nod as Martin enters in the same shirt but a different jacket.
Martin: You know, maybe this shirt isn't so bad. Especially with this new jacket. What do you think of this new jacket?
Daphne: I think it's nice. Sherry's been married six times?
Martin: Who told you that?
Daphne: [realizing her mistake] They did. [points to brothers]
Niles and Frasier look guilty.
Martin: What's this all about?
Frasier: You know, Dad, I'd love to see that first shirt with the second jacket.
Martin: Oh, come on. You got this from the investigator - you did hire him, didn't you?
Niles looks shocked as Frasier decides to confess.
Frasier: All right, I guess there's no use denying it. Yes, yes, we did hire him. Although the word "we" is not entirely accurate.
Niles: Frasier, I am shocked...
Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles! Look, Dad, we were just concerned about you. We know about the engagement ring.
Martin: My ring? Which one of you went through my drawers?
Frasier: Right now, pointing fingers is not going to do us any good.
Martin: What the hell is the matter with you two?
Frasier: She did it! [points to Daphne]
Martin: Well, it's nice to know there isn't a single person in this house I can trust. Sherry told me about her marriages the first week of our dating! I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business, just like it's none of your damn business who I marry or who I don't marry! I don't know why I'm even wasting my time talking to you!
Martin exits.
Daphne: Do you see what I get for confiding in you two blabbermouths! The next time I find something interesting in your father's underwear drawer, I'm just gonna sit on it!
Daphne exits to Martin's room as the boys give each other a look.
Niles: Well, this evening is an entire disaster. I'm already late for dinner with Maris. I just don't know how this could have happened. [goes to door but doesn't open it]
Frasier: Yes, who'd have guessed that something so innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer can turn so ugly!
Niles: Well, there is one consolation. We told Dad the truth and we were able to bear his anger. That's the nice thing about our relationship, we're all adults. We can talk things through, we're not afraid of confrontation...
Frasier: Stop stalling, Niles! Dad must be on the elevator by now!
Niles checks through the spy-hole, nods in confirmation and exits as Daphne enters.
Daphne: Look what I found in your father's jacket.
Frasier: I do not want to know about it.
Daphne: He forgot the ring! This is going to be embarrassing for him. I suppose I could take it down to him.
Frasier: [takes ring] No, no, Daphne. I should do that. It will give me an excellent opportunity to show him just how happy I am that he's marrying Sherry.
Daphne: That would be very nice.
Frasier: Yes. I just can't figure out why he would propose in a place like McGinty's! It seems like such a shabby setting. [looks at ring] Well, I guess he was just trying to match the ring.
Frasier exits.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GIVE ME A RING SOMETIME
Scene Two - McGinty's. Sherry and Martin are sat on the front table chatting.
Sherry: So I told her that you and I would take a trip up there this spring. [Martin is quiet] Well, you like my sister, right?
Martin: Yeah, sure.
Sherry: Oh, now, come on, Mart'. You can't hold one little embarrassing moment against her. She didn't know you were in there!
Martin: No, no, I don't. I like your sister.
Sherry: Well, then what is wrong with you? You're being so quiet.
Martin: I got something on my mind.
Sherry: Well, what is it?
Martin: I've been thinking a lot about us and... where do you see us going?
Sherry: Gee, I don't know. I mean, I'm having fun the way things are. You have your life, I have mine. No pressure.
Martin: That's what I thought you'd say.
Sherry: There's nothing wrong with us just having fun.
Martin: No. It's just that we've been just having fun for a long time now. Let me ask you something, where do you see us in a year? Five years?
Sherry: Oh, gee, I don't know, I try not to look too far ahead.
Martin: Well, I guess that's the difference between us. Because I can't stop thinking that far ahead. You know, I've come to realize, Sherry, that I want to get married again. And you know it's not anything you're interested in.
Sherry: Well, can you blame me? I mean, Marty you know my track record, I've been down that road a lot of times! I mean, I've learned the hard way, I'm not looking for forever.
Martin: I am.
Sherry: So... so you're breaking up with me?
Martin: We're just looking for different things, Sherry. I'm sorry.
Sherry and Martin try to hold back their emotions.
Martin: It's hot in here.
Sherry: Yeah.
Martin takes out a handkerchief and brings it to his forehead, but he drops it on the floor. Martin goes down to the floor to pick it up. Frasier sees him from the door and it looks like he is getting down on bended knee to propose. Frasier runs in.
Frasier: Dad, Dad!
Martin: What?
Frasier: I'm glad I've seen you.
Martin: Get out of here. [sits]
Frasier: Dad, Dad, I've got something that I think you might like to have before you tell Sherry whatever it is you want to tell her.
Sherry: Oh, he's already told me.
Frasier: He has? Well, that is just wonderful and may I say, it's about time! I couldn't be happier for you.
Sherry: That's nice to know.
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: I'd like you to know that everybody is one hundred percent behind this decision - my God, we're all so excited.
Martin: FRASIER!
Sherry: Well, I'm so glad that you're so happy your father's breaking up with me.
Frasier: [realizes] Breaking up? [pause] I had no idea.
Sherry: And you get paid to help people through their difficult moments?
Frasier exits in embarrassment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - McGinty's. Time has lapsed. Sherry and Martin are at the door bidding their farewells.
Martin: It isn't easy to say goodbye, is it?
Sherry: No. It doesn't get any easier either, I should know. Listen, Marty, this is usually the time people say, "Well, let's be friends" and then, oh, there's a phone call or two but they never see each other again and, well, I just want you to know I am around for you if you ever get lonely or you just need to talk.
Martin: Thanks. [they hug]
Sherry: Oh, and when you call, if a man answers - hang up.
Martin laughs with her as she leaves. Martin goes to the bar and stares up at the game on the television whilst contemplating life without Sherry. Frasier enters and sits with him.
Frasier: Hi, Dad. The only reason I came down here was to bring you this. [hands over ring] Obviously I made another colossal blunder in a week full of them. I'm really sorry, Dad. [Martin is silent] I guess you don't really feel like talking.
Martin: You know, Frasier, sometimes I just feel like sitting here and watching the game, all right?
Frasier: Fine, I can do that.
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Sure. [looks up] So the, er, Sonics and the, er, Bulls. That Jordan, he's really something, huh? Yeah. The way he scores those points and gets the ball back when the other team misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same impossible shot twice in a row!
Martin: It's the instant replay. [pause, looks at ring] You know, I was carrying this thing around for a month.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, but at the end of every night I just couldn't pop the question, and then I realized I knew what the answer would be. She didn't want to get married again.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad.
Martin: Oh, it's all right. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. Your mom's a hard act to follow! I never went through anything like this with her. We knew we were meant to be together and that was that.
Frasier: It's hard to find that out, Dad. I've been trying for a while.
Martin: [pats him on the shoulder] You'll get there. I hope we both do.
Frasier: Well, Dad, in time.
The father and son look up at the television together.
Frasier: Well, that was quite a shot!
Martin: Patton's been pretty hot lately.
Frasier: What's the score here, anyway?
Martin: Sonics are only down by five, they've still got a chance if they can hold Jordan.
Frasier: [to waiter] Can I have a beer here, please?
Martin: [to waiter] Yeah, make that two.
Frasier looks at his father in mutual respect. End of Act Two
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is sat on a chair barking at something on the table. The camera pulls back to reveal it is a little fish ornament that seems to be staring right at him.


Broadcast 23 November 1963
Duration: 23 minutes 10 seconds
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: EXT. TOTTERS LANE (NIGHT)
(On a dark foggy night a lone policeman patrols his beat through the empty streets of London. Nearby a clock chimes 3 a.m. The policeman walks up to a pair of tall shabby wooden gates on which is painted
I.M. Foreman
Scrap Merchant Totters Lane The policeman shines his torch onto the gates then proceeds into the night. Behind him, one of the gates creaks open revealing that hidden within the scrap and junk of yard is the incongruous shape of a London police box. That is strange enough in itself, but even stranger is the fact that the box is emitting a low electronic hum.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. CORRIDOR
(The ringing of the bell brings an end to another day at the school. The students spill out of the classrooms, chattering to each other. A woman, BARBARA WRIGHT, follows the students out, calling back into the classroom.)
BARBARA: Wait in here please, Susan. I won't be long.
(Various pupils say "Good night, Miss Wright as they walk past BARBARA. Two female students walk along the corridor, very interested in the paper they're reading. A young male student comes up, mocking their excited tones. The girls roll their eyes. One whispers something naughty to the other, they smile and move along. BARBARA walks up behind them up to another classroom door. With a quick knock, she walks in.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY
(Inside another teacher, IAN CHESTERTON sits at a lab bench, marking some papers. He looks up as BARBARA enters.)
IAN: Not gone yet?
BARBARA: Obviously not.
IAN: Ask a silly question...
BARBARA: I'm sorry.
IAN: It's all right. I'll forgive you this time.
(BARBARA walks up to the bench and sits.)
BARBARA: Oh, I've had a terrible day. I don't know what to make of it.
IAN: Oh? What's the trouble? Can I help?
BARBARA: Oh, it's one of the girls: Susan Foreman.
IAN: Susan Foreman? Oh ho. She your problem too?
BARBARA: Yes.
IAN: And you don't know what to make of her?
BARBARA: No.
IAN: How old is she, Barbara?
BARBARA: fifteen
IAN: Fifteen...she lets her knowledge out a bit at a time, so as not to embarrass me: that's what I feel about her. She knows more science than I'll ever know. She's a genius! Is that what she's doing with history?
BARBARA: Something like that.
IAN: So, your problem is whether to stay in business or hand over the class to her.
BARBARA: No, not quite.
IAN: (Laughs.) what then?
BARBARA: Ian, I must talk to someone about this, but I don't want the girl to get into trouble. And I know you're going to tell me I'm imagining things.
IAN: No, I'm not.
BARBARA: Well, I told you how good she is at history. I had a talk with her, and I told her she ought to specialise. Well, she seemed quite interested 'till I said I'd be willing to work with her at her home. Then she said that would be "absolutely impossible" as her grandfather didn't like strangers.
IAN: (Getting up and walking around to a sink.) He's a doctor, isn't he? It's a bit of a lame excuse.
BARBARA: Well, I didn't pursue the point. But then recently, her homework's been so bad.
IAN: (Washing his hands.) Yes, I know.
BARBARA: Finally, I was so irritated with all her excuses, I decided to have a talk with this grandfather of hers and tell him to take some interest in her.
IAN: Oh, did you indeed? And what's the old boy like?
BARBARA: Well, that's just it. I got her address from the secretary - 76 Totters Lane - and I went along there one evening.
(IAN finishes washing his hands.)
BARBARA: Oh Ian, do pay attention!
(He walks across the room to dry his hands.)
IAN: Sorry. You went along there one evening...
BARBARA: Well, there isn't anything there. It's just an old junkyard.
IAN: Well, you must've gone to the wrong place.
BARBARA: Well that's the address the secretary gave me.
IAN: Well the secretary got it wrong then...
BARBARA: No. I checked. There's a big wall on one side, houses on the other, and nothing in the middle. And this 'nothing in the middle' is No. 76 Totters Lane!
IAN: Mmm...that's a bit of mystery. Well, there must be a simple answer somewhere.
BARBARA: Well, what?
IAN: (Grins.) Well, we'll have to find out for ourselves, won't we?
BARBARA: (Grins.) Thank you for the "we". She's waiting in one of the classrooms. I'm lending her a book on the French Revolution.
IAN: What's she going to do - rewrite it?
(BARBARA rolls her eyes, and the two teachers get up to leave.)
IAN: Oh, all right! (He grabs his coat.) What do we do? Ask her point blank?
BARBARA: No. I thought we could drive there, wait 'till she arrives and see where she goes.
IAN: (Puts his coat on.) Oh...all right.
BARBARA: Well, that is, if you're not doing anything.
IAN: No, I'm not. (He opens the door.) After you...
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. CLASSROOM
(15-year old SUSAN FOREMAN - the subject of the teacher's conversation - is listening to a little pocket radio, putting it up to her ear. She's a slim beauty with elfin features, unusually short dark hair and unusual eyes. She dances strangely to the music by making abrupt movements with her right hand and fake strumming a guitar. Behind her, IAN and BARBARA walk in. She's oblivious to them. Both smile with amusement.)
BARBARA: Susan?
SUSAN: (Putting down the radio.) Oh, I-I'm sorry, Miss Wright! I didn't hear you coming in. Aren't they fabulous?
BARBARA: Who?
SUSAN: I-It's John Smith and the Common Men. They've gone from 19 to 2.
BARBARA: (Not understanding a bit of it.) Hmm. (She looks puzzled.)
IAN: (Laughing.) "John Smith" is the stage name of the honourable Aubrey Waites. He started his career as Chris Waites and the Carollers, didn't he, Susan?
SUSAN: You are surprising, Mr. Chesterton. I wouldn't expect you to know things like that.
IAN: I have an enquiring mind...(Motions to the loud radio.) and a very sensitive ear.
SUSAN: Oh, (Turning the radio off, slightly flustered.) I'm sorry.
IAN: Thank you.
SUSAN: (Noticing the book that BARBARA is holding.) Is that the book you promised me?
BARBARA: (Hands it over.) Yes.
SUSAN: Thank you very much. It will be interesting...I'll return it tomorrow.
BARBARA: Oh, that's not necessary. Keep it until you've finished it.
SUSAN: (She picks up her school bag.) I'll have finished it.
(IAN and BARBARA glance at each other in surprise.)
IAN: Oh, where do you live, Susan? I'm giving Miss Wright a lift. I've room for one more.
SUSAN: Er...no thank you, Mr. Chesterton. Er...I like walking through the dark. It's mysterious.
BARBARA: Be careful, Susan. There'll probably be fog again tonight.
SUSAN: (Arranging things in her school bag.) Hmm.
BARBARA: See you in the morning.
SUSAN: I expect so. Good night.
BARBARA: Good night.
IAN: Good night, Susan.
(IAN and BARBARA leave the room. SUSAN looks behind her at the closing door then picks up her book - "The French Revolution," and starts to read a page at random. A moment later, she blinks at the book, startled.)
SUSAN: That's not right...!
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (NIGHT)
(IAN and BARBARA are in his car as it arrives in Totters Lane.)
BARBARA: Over there!
(The car comes to a stop before the old wooden gate to the junkyard. The two teachers remain in the vehicle.)
IAN: Lucky there was no fog. I'd never have found this.
BARBARA: Well, she doesn't seem to have arrived yet. (She pauses nervously.) I suppose we are doing the right thing, aren't we?
IAN: You can't justify curiosity.
BARBARA: But her homework...
IAN: Bit of an excuse, really, isn't it? I've seen far worse. The truth is, we're both curious about Susan, and we won't be happy until we know some of the answers.
BARBARA: Well, you can't just pass it off like that. If I thought I was just being a busybody, I'd go straight home! I thought you agreed she was a bit of a mystery!
IAN: Yes, but I think you'll find there's a very simple explanation to all this.
BARBARA: Well, I don't know how you explain the fact that a teenage girl does not know how many shillings there are in a pound.
IAN: (Surprised.) Really?
BARBARA: Really! She said she thought we were on the decimal system.
IAN: The decimal system?
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. BARBARA 'S CLASSROOM (FLASHBACK)
(The whole of BARBARA'S history class is laughing at SUSAN'S naiveté. A visibly stung SUSAN turns her back on the other students and stares directly at BARBARA - the scene is seen from her point of view.)
SUSAN: I'm sorry, Miss Wright.
BARBARA: (OOV: Cross.) Don't be silly, Susan. The United States has a decimal system. You know perfectly well that we do not.
SUSAN: (In a shock of understanding.) Of course - the decimal system hasn't started yet!
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED)
(IAN rubs his chin in thought.)
IAN: I suppose she couldn't be a foreigner...no, it doesn't make sense! Nothing about this girl makes sense. For instance, just the other day, I was talking about chemical changes. I'd given out the litmus paper to show cause and effect...
BARBARA: ...and she knew the answer before you'd started.
IAN: Well, not quite. The answer simply didn't interest her...
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY (FLASHBACK)
(A nervous SUSAN at the lab bench, again surrounded by her fellow pupils, addresses IAN, who's walking toward her - again it is from the teachers point of view.)
SUSAN: Yes, I can see red turns to blue, Mr. Chesterton, but that's because we're dealing with two inactive chemicals. They only act in relation to each other.
IAN: (OOV, Exasperated.) But that's the whole point of the experiment, Susan.
SUSAN: Yes, it's a bit obvious, isn't it? Well, I-I'm not trying to be rude, but...couldn't we deal with two active chemicals? Then red could turn blue all by itself and we could get on with something else.
(Her expression turns sheepish as she glances at her fellow pupils and she speaks more quietly.)
SUSAN: I'm sorry. It was just an idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED)
IAN: She means it. These simple experiments are child's play to her.
BARBARA: You know, it's almost got to the point where I want to deliberately trip her up.
IAN: (Laughing quietly.) Yes...something like that happened the other day. I'd set the class a problem with A, B, and C as the three dimensions...
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY (FLASHBACK)
(SUSAN is clearly upset. For the final time she faces IAN full on.)
SUSAN: It's impossible unless you use D and E!
IAN: (OOV.) D and E? Whatever for? Do the problem that's set, Susan.
SUSAN: I can't, Mr. Chesterton! You can't simply work on three of the dimensions!
IAN: (OOV.) Three of them? Oh. Time being the fourth, I suppose. Then what do you need E for? What do you make the fifth dimension?
SUSAN: (Quietly and somewhat mysteriously.) Space...
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED)
BARBARA: Too many questions and not enough answers.
IAN: Too stupid...or just doesn't know. So, we have a fifteen-year old girl who is absolutely brilliant at some things and excruciatingly bad at others.
BARBARA: (Pointing out of the cars windscreen window.) There she is!
(At the entrance to the junkyard, SUSAN, in her hat and coat with her bag over her shoulder, looks round furtively, then pushes open the gate and enters the yard.)
BARBARA: Look, can we go in? I..I hate to think of her, alone in that place.
IAN: If she is alone. Look, she is fifteen...she might be meeting a boy. Didn't that occur to you?
BARBARA: I almost hope she is.
IAN: What do you mean?
BARBARA: Well, it would be so wonderfully normal.
(Both teachers laugh. But BARBARA grows sombre.)
BARBARA: It's silly, isn't it? I feel frightened...as if we're about to interfere in something that is best left alone...
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: EXT. JUNKYARD. 76 TOTTERS LANE
(SUSAN walking through the junkyard, puts something to eat in her mouth. A tailors dummy with a broken head stands behind her.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: EXT. TOTTERS LANE
(IAN opens up the car door.)
IAN: Come on, let's get it over with.
(He and BARBARA get out of the car, and start toward the gate. BARBARA is getting more and more uneasy, and hangs back.)
BARBARA: Well, don't you feel it?
IAN: I take things as they come, come on.
(The two teachers walk towards the gates.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: EXT. JUNKYARD. 76 TOTTERS LANE
(With a creak of the gate, IAN and BARBARA enter the junkyard. IAN switches on his torch and they stare at the mounds of junk. SUSAN is nowhere in sight. They briefly examine the tailors dummy.)
IAN: What a mess. I'm not turning any of this stuff over to find her...
BARBARA: (Points.) Over there?
(IAN starts in the direction indicated, only to stumble over one of the pieces of junk. He picks himself back up.)
IAN: Blast! I dropped it!
BARBARA: What?
IAN: The torch!
BARBARA: Well, use a match!
IAN: No, I haven't got any. Oh, never mind.
(The two teachers continue their exploration of the junkyard - now somewhat in darkness.)
BARBARA: Susan?
IAN: Susan? Susan?
(IAN starts up a short flight of stairs which lead to the building at the back of the yard.)
IAN: Susan?
(He comes back down.)
IAN: Susan! Mr. Chesterton and Miss Wright!
(He looks behind the stairs then, quietly to himself.)
IAN: Can't have got out without us seeing her?
BARBARA: Ian...look at this!
(BARBARA has found the Police Box, which stands next to the stairs.)
IAN: Well, it's a police box! What on earth's it doing here? Well, these things are usually on the street...
(IAN has put his hand on the box's side whilst saying this but he stops dead in surprise. He touches it with his full hand, more firmly.)
IAN: Feel it! Feel it!
(BARBARA quickly puts the back of her hand on and off the side of the box.)
IAN: Did you feel it?
BARBARA: It's a faint vibration...
(He takes a step back from the box.)
IAN: It's alive!
(IAN quickly walks around the back of the box as BARBARA waits.)
IAN: It's not connected to anything, unless it's through the floor.
BARBARA: Look, I-I've had enough. Let's go and find a policeman.
IAN: Yes, all right...
(A coughing sound echoes through the junkyard from outside the gates.)
BARBARA: Is that her?
IAN: That's not her...
(The gate creaks open.)
IAN: Quick!
(They hide behind the stairs. An OLD MAN walks into view. Seemingly in his mid seventies, with straight, slightly long white hair, wearing an Astrakhan hat, cloak and scarf. He coughs and waves a handkerchief to clear the air. He walks up to the box, pulling out a key and, holding a slim pen flashlight in the other hand, starts to insert the key into the lock set into the box's door.)
SUSAN: (OOV.) There you are, Grandfather!
BARBARA: (Whispering but shocked.) It's Susan!
IAN: Shh!
(The OLD MAN has heard them. He pockets the key and shines the torch on the stairs as IAN comes out of hiding.)
IAN: (Sheepishly.) Excuse me...
OLD MAN: (Shining the pen torch at his face.) What are you doing here?
IAN: Uh, we're looking for a girl.
OLD MAN: We?
BARBARA: (Stepping into view.) Good evening.
OLD MAN: What do you want?
IAN: Um...one of our pupils, Susan Foreman, came into this yard.
OLD MAN: (A smile on his face.) Really? In here? Are you sure?
BARBARA: Yes. We saw her from across the street.
OLD MAN: (To himself.) One of their pupils. Not the police, then...
IAN: Er...I...I beg your pardon??
OLD MAN: (He fixes IAN with a stare.) Why were you spying on her? Who are you?
IAN: We heard a young girl's voice call out to you...
OLD MAN: Your hearing must be very acute. I didn't hear anything.
BARBARA: (She points at the box.) It came from in here!
OLD MAN: (A flash of fear crosses his face.) You imagined it.
BARBARA: I certainly did not imagine it!
(The OLD MAN pulls IAN by the arm to one side.)
OLD MAN: Young man...Is it reasonable to suppose that anyone would be inside a cupboard like that, hmm?
IAN: Would it therefore be unreasonable to ask you to let us have a look inside?
(The OLD MAN'S attention is suddenly drawn to a painting amid the junk.)
OLD MAN: (Picks the painting up.) I wonder why I've never seen that before. Now, isn't that strange? Pretty damp and dirty...hmm...
BARBARA: Won't you help us? We're two of her teachers from the Coal Hill School. We saw her come in and we haven't seen her leave. Naturally, we're worried...
OLD MAN: (Not paying attention and muttering to himself.) Have to be cleaned... (He suddenly seems to notice her again.) Mmm? Oh, I'm afraid it's none of my business. I suggest you leave here.
(He puts the painting back down and walks back to the Police box.)
IAN: Not until we're satisfied that Susan isn't here and, frankly, I don't understand your attitude...
OLD MAN: Oh, yours leaves a lot to be desired.
IAN: Will you open the door?
OLD MAN: There's nothing in there!
IAN: Then what are you afraid to show us?
OLD MAN: Afraid? Oh, go away!
IAN: (To BARBARA.) I think we'd better go and fetch a policeman.
OLD MAN: Very well.
IAN: And you're coming with us.
OLD MAN: Oh...am I? (He chuckles.) I don't think so, young man. No, I don't think so...
BARBARA: (Whisper.) We can't force him!
IAN: (Whisper.) But we can't leave him here! Doesn't it seem obvious to you he's got her locked up in there? (BARBARA nods.) Look at it!
(The OLD MAN is standing away from them again, now seemingly examining a small jug but his real attention is occupied by the teachers conversation as IAN examines the box's door.)
IAN: There's no door handle...must be a secret lock somewhere.
BARBARA: That was Susan's voice.
IAN: Of course it was! Susan...Susan? Are you in there? It's Mr. Chesterton and Miss Wright, Susan!
OLD MAN: Don't you think you're being rather high-handed, young man? You thought you saw a young girl enter the yard. You imagined you heard her voice. You believe she might be in there. It's not very substantial, is it?
BARBARA: But why won't you help us?
(He puts the jug back down and faces the teachers.)
OLD MAN: I'm not hindering you. If you both want to make fools of yourselves, I suggest you do what you said you'd do. Go and find a policeman.
IAN: While you nip off quietly in the other direction.
OLD MAN: (Momentarily closes his eyes.) Insulting. (He faces them again.) There's only one way in and out of this yard. I shall be here when you get back. I want to see your faces when you try to explain away your behaviour to a policeman.
IAN: Nevertheless, we're going to find one. Come along, Barbara.
(The two teachers turn their backs on the OLD MAN, toward the gate. They've taken only a step when the door of the box opens.)
SUSAN: (OOV.) What are you doing out there?
IAN: She is in there!
(Suddenly the OLD MAN rushes at the two teachers, trying to hold them back.)
OLD MAN: Close the door!
IAN: Barbara!
(As IAN struggles with the OLD MAN, BARBARA dashes through the box's open door...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. POLICE BOX
(...and into a large brilliantly lit white room. The walls are covered with circular, indentations. A hexagonal-shaped control console with a cylindrical tube inset in the centre with machinery visible inside. Various antiques decorate the place. A monitor is set into the upper wall. A shocked SUSAN walks from behind the console. The OLD MAN and IAN walk inside behind BARBARA.)
OLD MAN: Close the doors, Susan.
(SUSAN activates a switch on the console, and the large double doors behind the group close with an electronic hum.)
OLD MAN: (To SUSAN.) I believe these people are known to you.
SUSAN: They're two of my schoolteachers! What are you doing here?
BARBARA: (Looking around in wonder.) Where are we?
OLD MAN: They must have followed you. That ridiculous school - I knew something like this would happen if we stayed in one place too long.
SUSAN: But why should they follow me.
BARBARA: Is this really where you live, Susan?
SUSAN: Yes.
OLD MAN: And what's wrong with it?
IAN: But it was just a telephone box...
OLD MAN: Perhaps.
BARBARA: And this is your grandfather...?
SUSAN: Yes.
BARBARA: (To the OLD MAN - the DOCTOR that she spoke of earlier with IAN.) Well, why didn't you tell us that?
DOCTOR: I don't discuss my private life with strangers.
IAN: But it was a police telephone box. I walked all round it! Barbara, you saw me!
(The DOCTOR crosses to an antique ormolu clock on a nearby stand.)
DOCTOR: You don't deserve any explanations. You pushed your way in here, uninvited and unwelcome.
BARBARA: I think we ought to leave...
IAN: (To Barbara.) No, just a minute. (He crosses to the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: (To himself as he examines the clock.) Dear, dear, dear, this is very....
IAN: I know this is absurd, but I feel...I walked all around it!
(The DOCTOR'S attention is still occupied by the clock.)
DOCTOR: It's stopped again, you know, and I've tried... (He takes notice of IAN.) Hmm? Oh, you wouldn't understand at all.
(He walks back to the console. IAN follows him.)
IAN: But I want to understand!
DOCTOR: (Uninterested.) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
(The DOCTOR sheds his cloak and scarf over an old chair, keeping his hat on.)
DOCTOR: Oh by the way Susan, I've managed to find a replacement for that faulty filament. Bit of an amateur job, but I, er, I think it'll serve.
(The DOCTOR takes an electronic object out of his pocket and walks to the console. He starts to insert the object into the console, effecting repairs.)
IAN: It's an illusion. It must be...
DOCTOR: What is he talking about now?
SUSAN: What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: (Coughing quietly for attention.) You don't understand, so you find excuses. Illusions, indeed? You say you can't fit an enormous building into one of your smaller sitting rooms?
IAN: No.
DOCTOR: But you've discovered television, haven't you?
IAN: Yes...
DOCTOR: Then by showing an enormous building on your television screen, you can do what seemed impossible, couldn't you?
IAN: Well...yes, but I still don't know...
DOCTOR: It's not quite clear, is it? I can see by your face that you're not certain. You don't understand. (He laughs.) and I knew you wouldn't! Never mind. (He turns back to the console.) Now then, which switch was it...? No, no, no...Ah yes, that is it! (He flips the switch.) The point is not whether you understand... (He turns back to IAN.) What is going to happen to you, hmm? (To SUSAN.) They'll tell everybody about the ship now.
IAN: The ship...?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, ship! This doesn't roll along on wheels, you know.
BARBARA: You mean...it moves?
SUSAN: The TARDIS can go anywhere.
BARBARA: TARDIS? I don't understand you, Susan.
SUSAN: Well, I made up the name TARDIS from the initials. Time And Relative Dimension In Space. I'd thought you both would understand when you saw the different dimensions inside from those outside.
IAN: Let me get this straight. A thing that looks like a police box, standing in a junkyard...it can move anywhere in time and space!?
SUSAN: Yes!
DOCTOR: Quite so.
IAN: But that's ridiculous!
SUSAN: (Exasperated, to the DOCTOR.) Why won't they believe us?
BARBARA: Well, how can we?
DOCTOR: (He puts his hands on SUSAN'S shoulders.) Now, now, don't get exasperated, Susan. Remember the Red Indian. When he saw the first steam train, his savage mind thought it an illusion too.
IAN: (Stung at the comparison.) You're treating us like children!
DOCTOR: Am I? The children of my civilisation would be insulted.
IAN: Your civilisation?
DOCTOR: Yes, my civilisation. I tolerate this century, but I don't enjoy it. Have you ever thought about what it's like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension? Have you? To be exiles? (He motions to himself and SUSAN.) Susan and I are cut off from our own planet, without friends or protection. But one day... (He gazes into the distance, his arm around SUSAN.) ...we shall get back. Yes, one day...one day...
SUSAN: (A little distraught as she faces the teachers.) It's true. Every word of it's true. You don't know what you've done coming here... (She turns to the DOCTOR.) Grandfather, let them go now, please! Look, if they don't understand, they can't...they can't hurt us at all! I understand these people better than you...their minds reject things they don't understand...
(The old man's icy look is his answer. The girl's words seize up in her throat.)
DOCTOR: No.
(He walks to the back of the room.)
IAN: He can't keep us here...
BARBARA: Susan, listen to me, can't you see that all this is an illusion? It's a game that you and your grandfather are playing, if you like. But you can't expect us to believe it.
SUSAN: It's not a game!
BARBARA: But, Susan...
SUSAN: (Very upset.) It's not! Look, I love your school. I love England in the 20th century. The last five months have been the happiest of my life...
BARBARA: But you are one of us. You look like us, you sound like us...
SUSAN: (Tightly.) I was born in another time. Another world.
IAN: Now look here Susan, you... (He finally gives up and grabs BARBARA'S arm.) Oh come on, Barbara, let's get out of here.
(They walk towards the wall, trying to find the doors.)
SUSAN: No, you two can't get out. He won't let you go.
(A high pitched whining sound echoes through the room. At the console, the DOCTOR is laughing.)
IAN: (Points at the console.) He closed the doors from over there. (He moves toward it.) I saw it... (He looks over the console.) Now which is it...? Which is it? (To the DOCTOR.) Which control operates the door?
DOCTOR: You still think it's all an illusion...
IAN: (Hotly.) I know free movement in time and space is a scientific dream I don't expect to find solved in a junkyard!
DOCTOR: Oh, your arrogance is nearly as great as your ignorance! (He laughs.)
IAN: Will you open the door? Open the door! (The DOCTOR laughs.) Susan, will you help us?
SUSAN: I mustn't! I mustn't!
IAN: (He sighs and faces the console.) Very well then. I'll have to risk it myself.
DOCTOR: (With suspicious acceptance.) I can't stop you...
(The old man's hand brushes a switch just as IAN'S comes down on a button...)
SUSAN: Oh, don't touch it! It's live!
(The shock flings IAN to the floor.)
BARBARA: Ian! (She helps him up and shouts at the DOCTOR.) What on earth do you think you're doing?
SUSAN: Grandfather, let them go now! Please!
DOCTOR: And by tomorrow we shall be a public spectacle. A subject for news and idle gossip.
(He resolutely turns to the console. SUSAN moves to stop him.)
SUSAN: But they won't say anything...
DOCTOR: (He claps hands on the girl's shoulders.) My dear child, of course they will. Put yourself in their place. They're bound to make some sort of a complaint to the authorities - or at the very least talk to their friends. (He wags his finger at her.) If I do let them go, Susan, you realise of course we must go too.
SUSAN: No. Grandfather, we've had all this out b...
DOCTOR: (Firmly.) There's no alternative, child.
SUSAN: I want to stay! Look, they're both kind people. Why won't you trust them? All you've got to do is ask them to promise to keep our secret and...
DOCTOR: It's out of the question.
SUSAN: I won't go, Grandfather. I won't leave the 20th century...I'd rather leave the TARDIS and you!
DOCTOR: Now you're being sentimental and childish.
SUSAN: No, I mean it.
(The DOCTOR looks at her and the teachers and seems to reach a decision.)
DOCTOR: Very well. Then you must go with them. I'll open the door. (He turns to the console.)
BARBARA: Are you coming, Susan?
(The DOCTOR starts to activate switch after switch on the console.)
SUSAN: Oh no grandfather, no!
(She grabs at him, trying to pull him away.)
DOCTOR: Let me go!
SUSAN: No!
(He keeps activating controls despite SUSAN'S best efforts. The room starts to shake as the lighting within pulses. Instruments and dials on the console burst into life.)
DOCTOR: Get back to the ship's side! Hold it...
(The shaking worsens, and the teachers are flung across the room, BARBARA into a chair and IAN onto the floor - a raucous grinding engine sound rises and falls through the room, the cylindrical column begins to rise and fall. And on the monitor, an overhead view of London is shown, that shrinks, fades...and is replaced by a blinding vortex of light and energy...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: EXT. DESERT
(A barren wasteland of rock. There is very little vegetation. There is a howling wind. Almost, but not quite, a desert.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(The wasteland fills the monitor screen. The old man does not seem to see it. He seems shocked by what has taken place. IAN and BARBARA remain unconscious nearby.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: EXT. DESERT
(Outside, a new element has entered the rocky wastes - the odd image of the police box, it's lantern still flashing, standing ungainly on the uneven ground. Part of the wasteland is suddenly obscured by a shadow - what looks like the shadow of a humanoid...)


[Caroline wakes up. Her blow is covered with blood. Damon sleeps in her bed. She gets up and tries to leave the room, but Damon wakes up too.]
DAMON: Good morning.
CAROLINE: Please... Don't.
DAMON: Don't do that. Ah, ah, ah.
CAROLINE: No! No! No! Get away from me! No!
DAMON: This could have gone a completely different way.
[Front of the school.]
BONNIE: I'm not saying don't date the guy. I'm just saying take it slow.
ELENA: You were the one who said to go for it.
BONNIE: Now I'm saying take it slow.
ELENA: Why the about-face?
BONNIE: It's not an about-face. You're single for the first time in your entire high school career. It's the perfect time to play the field.
ELENA: Oh, because I'm so that girl. Seriously, what are you not saying?
BONNIE: It's stupid.
ELENA: Bonnie...
BONNIE: What?
ELENA: Spit it out.
BONNIE: I accidentally touched Stefan. And got a really bad feeling.
ELENA: Is that it? Bonnie.
BONNIE: It was bad bad!
ELENA: Is the whole witch mojo thing again?
BONNIE: You know what? I'm just concerned. This is me expressing concern about my best friend's new boyfriend.
ELENA: And I love you for it, I do. But I feel good. It's been a hard year, and I'm starting to kind of feel like things are getting back to normal again. And you know what? Stefan is a big part of that.
VICKI: I rock. I scored 2 tickets to the Posers Saturday night. They're playing at the Rat.
JEREMY: You and Tyler have fun.
VICKI: Don't be like that. Come on. I want you to go.
JEREMY: You're not worried everyone's going to know you're screwing the stoner geek? Oh, wait... everyone already knows.
VICKI: Yeah. But it's not like that anymore, so now we can be friends and just hang.
JEREMY: Tell me something, was it the drugs? Were you sleeping with me because of the drugs?
VICKI: Screw you.
JEREMY: No, if there's another reason, please, I'm all ears.
STEFAN: Good morning, Elena. Good morning, Bonnie.
BONNIE: Hey, um, I gotta find Caroline. She's not answering her phone. So I'll see you guys later.
ELENA: Bonnie, wait...
STEFAN: She doesn't like me very much.
ELENA: She doesn't know you. She's my best friend. She's just looking out for me. But when she does, she will love you.
TYLER: Look... there's Elena and her new boyfriend. Now, what are they doing? Oh, they're walking, walking, walking. Yep. Right into the sunset.
MATT: You're a dick.
TYLER: While you just stand there looking like one of those little yard trolls.
MATT: Gnomes.
ELENA: Here's what we're going to do. Are you free tonight?
STEFAN: Yes.
ELENA: Perfect. Dinner, my house. 8:00. You, me, and Bonnie. You two will spend some quality time and she'll get to see what a great guy you are. Mission accomplished.
MATT: Hey, what am I supposed to do, Ty? She made her choice.
TYLER: Let her know she made the wrong one.
MATT: What are you doing? Ty, don't. Ty, don't! Ty! Don't!
Tyler throws the ball on Stefan, but Stefan catches it with an impresionnante speed. He throws the ball to Tyler who moves back under the shock.
ELENA: That throw was insane. I didn't know you played football.
STEFAN: I used to. It was a long time ago.
ELENA: So why don't you try out for the team?
STEFAN: Yeah, I don't think so.
ELENA: So you don't like football?
STEFAN: No, I love football. I think it's a great sport. But in this case, I don't think football likes me. You saw Tyler over there, and we both know how Matt feels.
ELENA: They don't know you. To them, you're mysterious loner guy. Wouldn't hurt to be part of. Make some friends.
STEFAN: Says the girl who spends her alone time writing in a cemetery.
ELENA: Hey, come on. There's more to me than just gloomy graveyard girl. There's a whole other Elena that you have yet to meet. She was into everything, very busy.
STEFAN: Well, I look forward to meeting her. And when will that be?
ELENA: Soon. She's working on it.
[In History's class. Bonnie is writing numbers on her book. "8", "14", "22".]
TANNER: World war II ended in... Anyone got anything? Miss Juan? 1945.
ELENA: Psst. Fyi... Our team sucks. They could use you.
STEFAN: Can't.
TANNER: Pearl Harbor.
STEFAN: I'm a loner.
TANNER: Miss Gilbert?
ELENA: Hmm? Pearl Harbor?
TANNER: Um...
STEFAN: December 7, 1941.
TANNER: Thank you, Miss Gilbert.
STEFAN: Anytime.
TANNER: Very well. The fall of the Berlin wall.
STEFAN: 1989. I'm good with dates, sir.
TANNER: Are you? How good? Keep it to the year. Civil Rights Act.
STEFAN: 1964.
TANNER: John F. Kennedy assassination.
STEFAN: 1963.
TANNER: Martin luther King.
STEFAN: '68.
TANNER: Lincoln.
STEFAN: 1865.
TANNER: Roe vs. Wade.
STEFAN: 1973.
TANNER: Brown vs. Board.
STEFAN: 1954.
TANNER: The battle of Gettysburg.
STEFAN: 1863.
TANNER: Korean war.
STEFAN: 1950 to 1953.
TANNER: Ha! It ended in '52.
STEFAN: Uh, actually, sir, it was '53.
TANNER: Look it up, somebody. Quickly.
STUDENT: It was 19... 53.
ELENA: How did you know all of that?
STEFAN: Years and years of crossword puzzles. It's a loner thing.
[The Soccer field. Stefn looks the team. Elena is with the cheerleaders.]
MATT: Nice job! Nice job!
TANNER: Mr. Lockwood, is there anything you're good at? 'Cause it isn't history, and it sure as hell isn't defending the ball!
TYLER: Yes, coach.
TANNER: Now do it again!
BONNIE: Oh, my God! You're here!
ELENA: Yep. I can't be sad girl forever. The only way to get things back to the way they were are to do things that were. Oh, and you're coming to dinner tonight.
BONNIE: I am?
ELENA: Mm-hmm. You, me and Stefan. You have to give him a chance.
BONNIE: Tonight's no good. Have you seen Caroline? I texted her like a hundred times.
ELENA: Don't change the subject, Bonnie Bennett. You're going to be there.
BONNIE: Fine. I'll go.
ELENA: Good.
TANNER: Varsity trials were last spring, Mr. Salvatore.
STEFAN: I wasn't here then, sir.
TANNER: And you're not here now, as far as I'm concerned.
STEFAN: Mr. Tanner, I realize that you and I didn't get off to the best start, And I want to apologize for that. I've played football before. Wide receiver, mostly, and I'm pretty good.
TANNER: Well, I won't be asking you who won the super bowl in '71.
STEFAN: '71 was the... Sorry. I... I understand that, sir.
TANNER: Just to see you get knocked on your ass. Borrow some gear. Go! Before I change my mind. Let's run it again!
MATT: First my girlfriend, now the team?
TYLER: Dude, this is an opportunity. Football's a contact sport. Sometimes people get hurt. Whoo! Ha ha!
BONNIE: Seriously, where is Caroline?
ELENA: I don't know. It's not like her. Try her again.
Caroline arrives in Damon's car.
ELENA: Uh...
BONNIE: Oh, my God. That must be the mystery guy from the grill.
ELENA: That's not a mystery guy. That's Damon Salvatore.
BONNIE: Salvatore, as in Stefan?
CAROLINE: I got the other brother. Hope you don't mind. Sorry I'm late, girls. I, uh, was busy. All right, let's start with the double pike herkey hurdler, what do you say? And 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Elena, sweetie, why don't you just observe today? Ok? Keep going! Ok. Do it again from the top. And 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
MATT: Blue lady! Blue lady! Set, hut! Go! Come on, Tyler, cover it! Let's do it.
TANNER: Get it.
MATT: Line up!
MATT: I hate to say it, but he's got skills.
TYLER: I think he needs a buddy pass.
MATT: Really? You don't get to walk on the field and act like you own the place after 5 minutes.
TYLER: Just hang one up there and I'll take care of the rest.
TANNER: Do it again.
MATT: All right, let's huddle up. Set, hut!
TYLER: Oh! Whoo! Welcome to the team, buddy.
TANNER: You gonna live, Salvatore?
STEFAN: Yeah.
TANNER: Walk it off, son.
MATT: Hey. That was my bad.
STEFAN: It's all right.
MATT: Hey.
TANNER: All right.
[Stefan's bedroom.]
DAMON: How were tryouts? Did you make the team? Very Emerson, the way you reveal your soul with so many... Adjectives.
STEFAN: What are you doing here?
DAMON: I've come to apologize. I've been doing some thinking, some soul searching, and... I want us to start over. We need to put the past behind us. You're my little brother, and if you want to live a normal, happy human life, then I want that for you. Maybe I can do it, too. That I can learn to be a non-living living person. Maybe there's hope for both of us.
STEFAN: You know, it doesn't have to be this way, Damon.
DAMON: Of course it doesn't. I saw Elena today, btw. That means "by the way." She was at cheerleading practice. She looked so perky in her little short shorts. Just... simmer down, I didn't even go near her. I've got my own cheerleader now. Ooh, that reminds me... I gotta run. I have a date. Sweaty palms. Wish me luck.
[Elena's kitchen.]
BONNIE: You explain it. Last night, I'm watching Nine-o, a commercial breaks come on and I'm like, I bet it's that phone commercial. And sure enough, it's that guy and the girl with the bench, he flies to Paris and he flies back. They take a picture.
ELENA: Oh, come on. That commercial's on a constant loop.
BONNIE: Fine. Well, how about this? Today I'm obsessed with numbers. 3 numbers. I keep seeing 8, 14, and 22. How weird is that?
ELENA: Maybe we should play the lottery. Have you talked to your grams?
BONNIE: She's just gonna say it's because I'm a witch. I don't want to be a witch. Do you want to be a witch?
ELENA: I don't want to be a witch.
BONNIE: And putting it in a nice bowl isn't fooling anybody.
ELENA: Ok, serving spoons. Where are the serving spoons?
BONNIE: Little drawer on your left.
ELENA: Ok, so you've been in this kitchen like a thousand times.
BONNIE: Yeah, that's it.
They hear the doorbell.
ELENA: Ok, he's here. Don't be nervous. Just be your normal loving self. Bonnie stays alone in the kitchen.
BONNIE: Birthday candles. She opens a drawer and find the candles
[Elena's living room.]
ELENA: Did Tanner give you a hard time today?
STEFAN: Well, he let me on the team, so I must have done something right.
ELENA: Bonnie, you should have seen Stefan today. Tyler threw a ball right at him, and...
BONNIE: Yeah, I heard.
ELENA: Why don't you tell Stefan about your family?
BONNIE: Um, divorced. No mom. Live with my dad. Hmm.
ELENA: No, about the witches. Bonnie's family has a lineage of witches. It's really cool.
BONNIE: Cool isn't the word I'd use.
STEFAN: Well, it's certainly interesting. I'm not too versed, but I do know that there's a history of celtic druids that migrated here in the 1800s.
BONNIE: My family came by way of Salem.
STEFAN: Really? Salem witches?
BONNIE: Yeah.
STEFAN: I would say that's pretty cool.
BONNIE: Really? Why?
STEFAN: Salem witches are heroic examples of individualism and nonconformity.
BONNIE: Yeah, they are.
They hear the doorbelln, again.
ELENA: I wonder who that could be.
CAROLINE: Surprise! Bonnie said you were doing dinner, so we brought dessert.
ELENA: Oh.
DAMON: Hope you don't mind.
STEFAN: What are you doing here?
DAMON: Waiting for Elena to invite me in.
ELENA: Oh, yeah, you can...
STEFAN: No, no, no. He can't, uh... he can't stay. Can you, Damon?
CAROLINE: Get in here.
STEFAN: We're just... finishing up.
ELENA: It's fine. Just come on in.
DAMON: You have a beautiful home, Elena.
ELENA: Thank you.
CAROLINE: I cannot believe that Mr. Tanner let you on the team. Tyler must be ceiling. But good for you. Go for it.
DAMON: That's what I always tell him. You have to engage. You can't just sit there and wait for life to come to you. You have to go get it.
CAROLINE: Yeah, Elena wasn't so lucky today. It's only because you missed summer camp. God, I don't know how you're ever going to learn the routines.
BONNIE: I'll work with her. She'll get it.
CAROLINE: I guess we can put her in the back.
DAMON: You know, you don't seem like the cheerleader type, Elena.
CAROLINE: Oh, it's just 'cause her parents died. Yeah, I mean, she's just totally going through a blah phase. She used to be way more fun. And I say that with complete sensitivity.
DAMON: I'm sorry, Elena. I know what it's like to lose both your parents. In fact, Stefan and I have watched almost every single person we've ever cared about die.
STEFAN: We don't need to get into that right now, Damon.
DAMON: Oh, you know what, you're right, Stef. I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was bring her up. Mmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[At the grill.]
VICKI: Don't do that. Not while I'm working. I'll see you later.
TYLER: I'll be right back.
MATT: She's my sister and I love her, but sometimes she can really make you work for it.
JEREMY: I find it pretty easy.
JERMEY: All right, I get it. Hitting me to impress her. That's... That's real nice.
TYLER: I don't need to impress her. I already won. Now you're dead.
JEREMY: Am I? 'Cause it seems like I'm standing here waiting for you to man up.
MATT: Ty, don't!
TYLER: The next time I see you, Gilbert...
JEREMY: No, next time I see you.
MATT: What are you doin', Vick?
[Elena's kitchen.]
DAMON: One more.
ELENA: Oh, thank you. Nice save.
DAMON: I like you. You know how to laugh. And you make Stefan smile, which is something I haven't seen in a very long time.
ELENA: Earlier, did you mean... Katherine?
DAMON: Mm-hmm.
ELENA: How did she die?
DAMON: In a fire. Tragic fire.
ELENA: Recently?
DAMON: Well, it seems like it was yesterday.
ELENA: What was she like?
DAMON: She was beautiful. A lot like you in that department. She was just very complicated and selfish and at times not very kind, but very sexy and seductive.
ELENA: So which one of you dated her first?
DAMON: Nicely deduced. Ask Stefan. I'm sure his answer differs from mine. I'd quit cheerleading if I were you.
ELENA: Why do you say that?
DAMON: Oh, I saw you at practice. You looked miserable.
ELENA: You saw that?
DAMON: Uh-huh.
ELENA: I used to love it. It was fun. Things are different this year. Everything that used to matter doesn't anymore.
DAMON: So don't let it. Quit, move on. Problem solved. Ta-da.
ELENA: Some things could matter again.
DAMON: Maybe. But... seems a little unrealistic to me.
ELENA: I'm sorry. About Katherine. You lost her, too.
BONNIE: Hey. Need some help?
DAMON: Sure, why not?
[Elena's living room.]
CAROLINE: Matt tries, but he's just having a really hard time. You have to understand that they were each other's first. You know, like, from the sandbox.
STEFAN: That's a really nice scarf.
CAROLINE: Mm. Thank you, it's new.
STEFAN: Can I see it? I mean, would you mind taking it off?
CAROLINE: Oh, I can't.
STEFAN: Why not? You ok?
CAROLINE: Um... All I know is that I can't take it off.
DAMON: What are you two kids talking about?
STEFAN: I was just commenting on her scarf.
DAMON: Hmm. Hey, you know, um, Elena and Bonnie are finishing up the dishes. Why don't you go see if you can help?
CAROLINE: Does it look like I do dishes?
DAMON: For me?
CAROLINE: Hmm... I don't think so.
DAMON: Go see if Elena needs help in the kitchen.
CAROLINE: You know what? I'm gonna go see if Elena needs some help in the kitchen.
DAMON: Great.
STEFAN: They are people, Damon. She's not a puppet. She doesn't exist for your amusement, for you to feed on whenever you want to.
DAMON: Sure she does. They all do. They're whatever I want them to be. They're mine for the taking.
STEFAN: All right, you've had your fun. You used Caroline, you got to me and Elena, good for you. Now it's time for you to go.
DAMON: That's not a problem. Because... I've been invited in, and I'll come back tomorrow night and the following night and I'll do with your little cheerleader whatever I want to do. Because that is what is normal to me.
[Elena's bedroom.]
ELENA: Tonight wasn't so bad. I had fun.
STEFAN: Hmm. That makes one of us.
ELENA: Come on. Your brother isn't as bad as you make him out to be...
Stefan kisses her. When he removes his shirt, he turns into Damon. Elena screams. She wakes up, it was a nightmare. There was a crow at the window
[Stefan's bedroom. He is writing on his diarie.]
STEFAN: There must be a shred of humanity left inside my brother. Somewhere. I keep hoping. But how do I make him see it? And how do I protect her?
[Later. The Soccer game.]
ELENA: Ooh. Look at you. You look hot in your jersey.
STEFAN: What happened? No more cheerleader?
ELENA: I quit. I'm a quitter.
STEFAN: No, hey, you're not a quitter. You suffered a great loss. You're not the same person. You should be looking ahead. You should be starting over. Ok? I hope you don't think this is too soon or too weird, but... I, uh, I wanted you to have this.
ELENA: Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
STEFAN: It's something that I've had forever, and, uh, I've never wanted to give it to anyone until now. I'd very much like it if you'd wear it for me, for... good luck.
ELENA: Is that rose that I smell?
STEFAN: No, it's, uh... it's an herb. It's nice, huh?
ELENA: I love it.
STEFAN: And, uh, I wanted to thank you for pushing me to try out for the team. It feels really good.
ELENA: We're a pair. I quit, you start.
STEFAN: Right. We're a work in progress. We'll figure it out.
Elena kisses him.
CAROLINE: And you're not in uniform because...
[Later.]
TANNER: Wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Let's be honest here. In the past, we used to let other teams come into our town and roll right over us! But that is about to change. We've got some great new talent tonight starting on the offensive line, and I'm gonna tell you right now, it has been a long time since I have seen a kid like this with hands like these.
TYLER: This blows. He can't start the guy. He just got here.
TANNER: That have been waiting for us to put a check in the win column, I have only one thing to say to you... Your Timberwolves are hungry.
VICKI: Hey, you. What's wrong?
TYLER: Nothing.
TANNER: And the central high lions are what's for dinner!
TYLER: Is that Jeremy?
VICKI: Wait, no! Ty! No.
TYLER: Oh, what do you care? Don't look so down. You can have her when I'm done.
Jeremy strikes him. The two boys begin to fight.
VICKI: Tyler, stop it! Tyler! Tyler, stop! Stop it! Stop, you're hurting him! Tyler! Tyler, stop! Tyler! Stop it! Tyler, stop!
STEFAN: Hey, he's down! Enough!
ELENA: Jeremy, no!
MATT: Get off me! Stop!
ELENA: What the hell, Jeremy? Put your head up, you're bleeding.
JEREMY: I'm fine!
ELENA: Yeah, you smell fine.
JEREMY: Just stop, ok?
MATT: Come on, man. Come on.
ELENA: Oh, my God, your hand.
STEFAN: No, no, no, it's fine.
ELENA: Is it deep? How bad is it? Come on! Stefan's hand hasn't scar.
ELENA: But... I saw it, it was...
STEFAN: He missed. It's not my blood. See? I'm fine.
ELENA: No, no, no. I... I saw it. The glass cut your hand. It was...
STEFAN: It's ok. I'm ok. It's almost kick-off time, all right? So, um, I'll, uh, I'll see you after the game.
CAROLINE: Hey, Tiki, it's all wobbly. Can you stand straight, please? Could someone please help Tiki?
BONNIE: Hey! Where you been?
ELENA: Can I ask you a question and you give me a really serious no-joke response?
BONNIE: Of course. What is it?
ELENA: The bad mojo. When you touched Stefan and you had that reaction...
BONNIE: You know what, forget I said that. Your little dinner party plot totally won me over.
ELENA: No, Bonnie, seriously. What was it? Did you see something, Or...
BONNIE: It wasn't clear like a picture. Like today, I keep seeing those same numbers I told you about... 8, 14, 22.
ELENA: Yeah?
BONNIE: When I touched Stefan, it was a feeling. And it vibrated through me, and it was cold, and it...
ELENA: And what?
BONNIE: It was death. It's what I imagine death to be like. Elena goes to her car.
ELENA: You scared me. What are you doing here?
DAMON: I'm hiding from Caroline.
ELENA: And why is that?
DAMON: I needed a break. She talks more than I can listen.
ELENA: That could be a sign.
DAMON: Well, she's awfully young.
ELENA: Not much younger than you are.
DAMON: I don't see it going anywhere in the bigger picture. I think she'd drive me crazy.
ELENA: Caroline does have some really annoying traits, but we've been friends since the first grade and that means something to me.
DAMON: Duly noted. I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable. That's not my intention.
ELENA: Yes, it is. Otherwise you wouldn't put an alternate meaning behind everything you say.
DAMON: You're right. I do have other intentions, but so do you.
ELENA: Really?
DAMON: Mm-hmm. I see 'em. You want me.
ELENA: Excuse me?
DAMON: I get to you. You find yourself drawn to me. You think about me even when you don't want to think about me. I bet you even dreamed about me. And right now... You want to kiss me. She strikes him.
ELENA: What the hell? I don't know what game you're trying to play with Stefan here, but I don't want to be part of it. And I don't know what happened in the past, but let's get one thing straight... I am not Katherine.
[Later.]
MATT: You gonna be able to play?
STEFAN: Oh, yeah, I'm good.
MATT: Uh, what you did back there... you had Jeremy's back.
STEFAN: Ah, he's a messed-up kid. Somebody's gotta look out for him.
MATT: I know. This week at practice I was a dick.
STEFAN: Had your reasons.
MATT: No excuse. Good luck tonight. We're lucky to have you.
DAMON: Isn't that nice? Stefan joins a team, makes a friend. It's all so, "rah, rah, go team, yeah!"
STEFAN: Not tonight. I'm done with you.
DAMON: Nice trick with Elena. Let me guess... vervain in the necklace? I admit, I was a bit surprised. It's been a while since anyone could resist my compulsion. Where'd you get it?
STEFAN: Does it matter?
DAMON: Guess I could just seduce her the old-fashioned way. Or I could just... eat her.
STEFAN: No. You're not gonna hurt her, Damon.
DAMON: No?
STEFAN: Because deep down inside, there is a part of you that feels for her. I was worried that you had no humanity left inside of you, that you may have actually become the monster that you pretend to be.
DAMON: Who's pretending?
STEFAN: Then kill me.
DAMON: Well, I'm... I'm tempted.
STEFAN: No, you're not. You've had lifetimes to do it, and yet, here I am. I'm still alive. And there you are. You're still haunting me. After 145 years. Katherine is dead. And you hate me because you loved her, and you torture me because you still do. And that, my brother, is your humanity.
TANNER: Salvatore! What the hell? We've got a game to play!
DAMON: If that's my humanity... then what's this?
Damon bites Tanner.
TANNER: Aah!
STEFAN: No!
DAMON: Anyone, anytime, any place.
[In the locker room.]
TYLER: Tanner's M.I.A. I think he had a little bit too much beer.
MATT: Don't talk to me right now, all right? I'm pissed at you.
TYLER: What's your problem?
MATT: What's my... You're my problem, all right? You're a bully. A freakin' 12-year-old bully, man. And I'm sick of it. I mean, what was that about tonight? What's beating up the new guy going to prove? Or screwing with my sister or pummeling my girlfriend's kid brother.
TYLER: Girlfriend? Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but she dumped your ass. Are you for real?! You want to hit me? I'm on your team.
MATT: This was over the line. Even for you.
Matt discovers Tanner's body.
MATT: Somebody help! The police arrived. Bonnie looks at the scene. She sees a pennons "BLDG 8", the immatricualtion's car is "FHT 14" and on the ground, the number 22. Bonnie is afraid.
[The Soccer field. Jeremy is sitting on the floor.]
VICKI: It wasn't just for the drugs.
[The cars park.]
ELENA: What kind of animal could be doing all this? Why would it come out of the woods and attack someone in the middle of town?
STEFAN: I don't know. I don't know.
ELENA: I was so sure that you cut your hand. I saw it.
STEFAN: I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine, ok? We're fine. That's what matters.
[Stefan's bedroom. He's writing in his diarie.]
STEFAN: I thought there was hope that somewhere deep inside, something in Damon was still human, normal. But I was wrong. There's nothing human left in Damon. No good, no kindness. No love. Only a monster Who must be stopped.
[Damon is in Elena's bedroom. He looks at her.]