Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School at night. A man in a suit with a briefcase is walking past a school building at a brisk, determined pace. He stops for a moment and looks around. Behind him to his left a door opens, and a school custodian comes out with a trashcan.
Custodian: Can I help you?
Philip: Rupert Giles! I need to see him!
Custodian: Mr. Giles, uh, he's our librarian. Next building over, first door on your left. Philip rushes off without a word of thanks.
Custodian: (sarcastically) You're welcome. (dumps the trash) Philip continues at his brisk pace and finds the outside library door. He continues toward it, but stops in his tracks when he hears a twig being crushed behind him and turns to look. He hears a moan, but sees nothing and checks the other way again. Behind him he hears breathing and turns back again, and sees a woman in the shadows.
Philip: Oh, God! Slowly she walks into the light. She is dead and rotting. Her eyes flash yellow briefly.
Philip: Diedre?
Diedre: Philip. Philip quickly backs up and doesn't see the curb behind him. He trips over it and falls, dropping his briefcase. He scrambles to his feet and runs to the library door. He pounds on it and yanks at the doorknob, but it's locked.
Philip: Help! Help! Somebody, please! Diedre slowly advances on him.
Philip: (to himself) God, no! (loud) Help! Cut inside. Buffy is doing step aerobics to a techno beat. Giles is sitting at the table with his hands to his ears, not relishing the music. He raises his head.
Giles: (loudly over the music) Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?
Buffy: It's not noise! It's music!
Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
Buffy: I'm aerobicising! I must have a beat!
Giles: (under the music) Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears. Cut outside. Philip is still pounding on the door.
Philip: Help! Help! Please! Diedre continues to advance on him.
Philip: Help me, somebody, please! Diedre has closed the gap. Philip turns to face her with horror in his eyes. She puts her hands up to the door on either side of him to prevent his escape. He trembles with fear as she moves her hands onto his neck and begins to choke him. Cut inside. Buffy has finished her aerobics. She strolls to the table and turns off her boom box.
Giles: Ahhh! Very good. And the rest is silence. Cut outside. Philip falls from Diedre's grip, dead. A moment later Diedre collapses next to him. After she hits the pavement she disintegrates into a puddle of slime. The puddle spreads out and into Philip. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ A nightmare. Giles is flashing back to his youth. He has visions of rituals and tattooing.
Young Giles: Time to go to sleep! (screams) A vision of a demon. Cut to Giles' bedroom. He wakes with a start. He looks around as he sits up in bed, concerned but relieved to find it was only a nightmare.
Cut to school. The camera pans down from above a tree to Buffy and Willow sitting on a bench.
Buffy: I'm on a beach, but not one of those American beaches, one of those island beaches where the water's way too blue, and I'm laying on my towel, and it's just before sunset, and Gavin Rossdale's massaging my feet!
Willow: Oh, that's good! Uh, I'm in Florence, Italy, I've rented a scooter that's parked outside, and I'm in a little restaurant eating ziti, and there are no more tables left, so they have to seat this guy with me, and it's John Cusack!
Buffy: Ooo! Very impressive. You have such an eye for detail.
Willow: 'Cause with the ziti!
Xander: (shows up) What are you two up to?
Buffy: Just having a quick game of 'Anywhere But Here'.
Xander: Ooohhh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park.
Willow: You never come up with anything new.
Xander: I'm just not fickle like you two, okay? I'm constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park!
Willow: (to Buffy) Do you think Giles ever played 'Anywhere But Here' when he was in school? They see him coming toward them.
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'
Willow: C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. Xander chuckles. Buffy sees Giles about to walk by and calls out to him.
Buffy: Giles!
Giles: (turns and sees them) Oh! There you are. (comes over)
Buffy: Hey, morning. Say, is that tweed? (stares at his jacket)
Giles: (preoccupied) What? Oh, uh, yes. Um, now, uh, look, tonight is very important, um... (heads inside)
Buffy: (follows) Now, that's a surprise.
Cut to the halls. They follow Giles to the library.
Buffy: So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordained deathfest?
Xander: Ah, the old standards!
Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels. (stops at her locker)
Giles: Hopefully not. Uh, we'll meet outside the hospital at 8:30 sharp. I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix!
Giles: Just don't be late.
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
Jenny: (finds them) Morning, England.
Giles: Oh, hello, Ms., uh, uh, tuh, Jenny.
Willow: (to Xander, smiling) Feel the passion!
Xander: (smiles back) Mm-hm!
Jenny: Willow...
Willow: (coughs) Coughing, not speaking. (coughs more)
Jenny: (to Willow) We still on for tomorrow? Willow smiles and nods.
Xander: What's tomorrow?
Jenny: I'm reviewing some computer basics for the couple of students who've fallen behind. Willow's helping out for extra credit.
Xander: (chuckles) Those poor schlubs have to attend school on Saturday! (smiles)
Jenny: 9am okay with you, Xander? Xander's smile fades. Willow bobs her head in amusement.
Buffy: Got a bit of schlub on your shoe there.
Xander: Heh, heh.
Jenny: Well, Cordelia's gonna meet us.
Xander: (dripping with sarcasm) Ooo, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!
Jenny: (to Giles) Walk me to class?
Giles: (a smile on his face) Pleasure. Jenny and Giles head for her class. The others watch them go.
Buffy: Look at them.
Xander: A twosome of cuteness.
Willow: Can't you just imagine them getting together? Their expressions all change to ones of being grossed out. Cut to Giles and Jenny walking.
Jenny: Oh! Thank you so much for loaning me the Forrester book. It's wonderful!
Giles: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Jenny: Yeah, it was so romantic, so evocative.
Giles: That edition was my father's. I, I, I must've read it... twenty times.
Jenny: Yeah, y'know how you have to, to dog-ear your favorite pages so you can go back to them?
Giles: Uh, uh, uh, what?
Jenny: Well, I mean, I-I practically had to fold back every single page. So finally I just, I just started underlining all the pages I really wanted to discuss.
Giles: U-u-underlined...?
Jenny: But then, of course, I spilled coffee all over it, I can't even read it...
Giles: (can't believe it) It's a first edition!
Jenny: I'm lying, Rupert. (smiles) The book's fine. (holds it up) I just love to see you squirm. (hands him the book)
Giles: (smiles in relief) Yes, well, I, uh... trust I gave good... squirm.
Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?
Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?
Giles: Well, no. Actually that, that part usually gets left out. (smiles) I c-can't imagine why.
Jenny: This weekend.
Giles: Would you like to go out?
Jenny: Mm, no, I think I'd like to stay in. They draw together for a kiss as the bell rings. They touch lips, but break it off as students begin pouring into the halls.
Giles: Uh, this, (clears his throat) Saturday, then.
Jenny: Saturday night. (clears her throat) I'll see if I can make you squirm. They look at each other for a moment before Giles heads off to his library.
Cut to the library. Giles walks in to discover a detective and two police officers there.
Det. Winslow: Rupert Giles?
Giles: Yes?
Det. Winslow: Detective Winslow. You're gonna have to come with me.
Giles: Why?
Det. Winslow: There was a homicide on campus last night. The victim had no identification, but he was carrying this slip of paper with your name and address on it. (holds up the slip in a baggie)
Giles: (sets down his briefcase) My name? Cordelia walks into the library.
Cordelia: Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday, now I have to read some computer book... There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
Giles: (cuts her off) Cordelia, I'm a little busy right now. (points out the detective)
Cordelia: Oh! Great! (steps up to Det. Winslow) Can you help me with a ticket? It's totally bogus. It was a one-way street. I was going one way.
Giles: (raised voice) Cordelia!
Cordelia: What?! Why does everyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf! And I can take a hint. (unsure) What's the hint?
Giles: To come back later.
Cordelia: Yeah, when you've visited decaf land. (leaves)
Giles: (to Det. Winslow) Where do you want me to go?
Cut to the city morgue. The coroner opens one of the body storage doors and pulls out the drawer.
Attendant: Have you had your breakfast?
Giles: No.
Attendant: That was probably a good idea. He pulls back the sheet to reveal Philip's body. It's bruised all over, with two especially dark bruises on the throat. Giles looks down at him in recognition.
Det. Winslow: Do you know him?
Giles: (whispers) Yes. Yes. I-I mean, I did. His name's Philip Henry. He was a friend of mine in London. I... I haven't spoken to him in twenty years.
Det. Winslow: Can you think of any reason why he might've wanted to contact you?
Giles: No. He sees the tattoo on Philip's right arm near the inside elbow.
Det. Winslow: Do you know what that is? The tattoo.
Giles: (lies) No. No, I don't.
Cut to the hospital ER entrance that night. Buffy is waiting on Giles.
Buffy: (exhales) 'Don't be late.' Sheesh. She walks over to a pay phone to try calling, but stops when she sees the blood van pull up. The driver gets out with his clipboard as two ER doctors come out to meet him.
Driver: Hey, fellas.
Doctor: Hey.
Buffy: All's well that ends with cute ER doctors, I always say. She watches them go to the back of the van and get out the insulated container. They start back with the driver, and he gets back into the van. Buffy realizes something's wrong.
Buffy: Since when do doctors take deliveries? The van backs out of the ambulance slot. The doctors wave to the driver.
Doctor: See ya. The van drives off, and behind it a car engine starts and a pair of headlights come on. The old convertible pulls up into the light as the doctors set the container down. One of them opens the lid, takes out a bag of blood and begins to suck on it. The driver of the car gets out.
Driver: Hey! No sampling the product! The doctor vampire hisses, but puts the bag back down and drops the lid closed. Buffy runs to attack. She kicks the first doctor vampire down, then the second, and does a roundhouse kick to the driver's face. The first one gets up, and she tries kicking him again, but he grabs her leg and throws her onto the hood of the car. She scissor kicks him in the neck, and he staggers away and falls. A fourth vampire runs up as Buffy gets up and takes out a stake. She turns to attack him.
Buffy: Angel!
Angel: Buffy! Look out! He jumps up onto the car's hood and leaps off to tackle the driver vampire coming at her from behind. Angel punches him in the face, but he stays up. The second vampire jumps up onto the hood and swings at Buffy. She ducks the punch and jabs him in the chest. The first vampire jumps up on the hood, too, and Buffy knocks him back off with a punch to the face. She punches the second one in the face, too, and he falls down on the hood on his back. She jumps off of the car and thrusts her stake into the first vampire as he tries to get back up. The second one is off the car again and grabs her by the shirt from behind. She swings around with the stake and gets him in the chest also. Angel, in the mean time, roundhouse kicks the driver and sends him spinning into the car. The vampire quickly sits up in the driver's seat and floors it as Angel tries to chase him. The car races off, leaving Angel and the blood behind. Buffy opens the lid to check on it.
Buffy: How did you know about this?
Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this. They only ruined one bag. Buffy stands up and looks after the car, which is long gone. Angel kicks the lid back closed.
Buffy: Do you think you could make sure the hospital gets the rest? She realizes whom she's just asked to do that and raises her eyebrows at him. Angel just nods, not insulted by the query.
Buffy: Thanks. I'm worried about Giles. He was supposed to meet me here.
Angel: Maybe he's late.
Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?
Angel: Right. Go. She gives him a final look and hurries off.
Cut to Giles' apartment building. Buffy walks to his door and knocks. Giles opens the viewport and looks out at her, then opens the door.
Giles: Buffy. I-it's late. Uh, are you alright?
Buffy: I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Giles: Yes, I'm fine, fine. Look, I'm, uh, I'm rather busy a-at the moment, so, uh, I'll see you on Monday at, at school. He starts to close the door. Buffy holds it open with her hand.
Buffy: Giles, did you forget? The hospital, vampires, handy carryout packets of blood?
Giles: Oh! Yes, uh, are you alright? W-were you hurt?
Buffy: No. I mean, my feelings a little. What's wrong?
Giles: Nothing, nothing, nothing's wrong. I-I'm just in the, uh, middle of something extremely important, and, uh, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say good night now. He closes the door in her face, leaving her confused and taken aback. She can hear Giles on the phone, but leaves him alone to his work. Cut inside.
Giles: Yes, I'm, I'm sorry to disturb you. It's, uh... I-I realize it's, uh, five in the morning there, um... Uh, I-I'm trying to reach Diedre Page. My name is Rupert Giles, uh, uh, she knows me. It's, it's very important. (listens to the bad news) I'm terribly sorry. I... I-I didn't know. W-when did she, uh, pass away? (listens more) Ohhhh. That recently. (sits at his desk) Um, yes, yes, um, we were friends when we were young. My condolences. He hangs up the phone and stares off into space with his fingers to his lips while he considers and remembers. He takes off his glasses and reaches for his drink. The bottle next to it is in almost half empty already. He gulps the rest from the glass and sets it back down. He thinks another moment before grabbing his pen and crossing Diedre's name off of a list of five names: Thomas Sutcliff, Philip Henry, Diedre Page, Ethan Rayne, Rupert Giles. He gets up and goes into his bathroom to the sink in front of the mirror. He rolls up his sleeves, and on his left arm just above the inside elbow is the same tattoo that Philip had. He reaches into the sink full of water, cups his hands and splashes some on his face. He looks up at himself in the mirror.
Giles: So. You're back.
Cut to the city morgue. The camera slowly closes on the body storage drawers. Cut inside Philip's drawer. He reaches up and pulls the sheet off of his face. His eyes glow yellow. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The city morgue. The morgue attendant is going through some paperwork and checking on bodies. He opens one storage bay, checks the toe tag, and closes it. He does the same for the next one. Then he opens Philip's, and discovers him missing. Suddenly a body bag comes down over his head. He tries to struggle, but Philip is too strong for him. Philip forces him into the storage bay and slams the door shut. He slowly starts to make his way out of the morgue.
Cut to the hall at Sunnydale High. Jenny, Xander, Willow and Cordelia head for the computer classroom.
Cordelia: This isn't right. School on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.
Xander: When are we gonna need computers for real life anyway?
Jenny: Hmm, let's see. There's home, school, work, games... (unlocks the classroom door)
Xander: Y'know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.
Willow: And the abacus.
Xander: Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. They all go into the room. Willow, Xander and Cordelia each take a seat in front of a PC. Cordelia takes the one next to Xander.
Jenny: Alright, guys. The first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy! Buffy follows Jenny into the room.
Xander: Huh? Did I fall asleep already?
Willow: Aw, you miss your friends?
Xander: Uh, sit here, Buffs! (stands up) Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia!
Cordelia: Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it.
Buffy: (to Jenny) Actually I wanted to talk to you for a second?
Jenny: Something wrong?
Xander: Is there some crisis that requires instant action? Very far from here?
Buffy: It's Giles.
Jenny: Well, he's alright, isn't he?
Buffy: I don't know. Uh, he didn't show up when he was supposed to last night, and then, when I went over to his place, he was acting... well, very anti-Giles. He wouldn't let me in, and he looked really bad. I-I think he might've been... (doesn't want to believe it) I think he was drinking.
Jenny: He was home alone drinking?
Willow: But... tea, right?
Buffy: Wasn't tea, Will.
Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.
Buffy: So, none of you guys have noticed anything different lately?
Willow: No!
Jenny: Not really.
Buffy: Uh, you haven't seen anything weird?
Xander: Nope.
Cordelia: No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police. Everyone stares at her.
Buffy: And you waited till now to tell us this because...?
Cordelia: I didn't think it was important.
Xander: We understand. It wasn't about you.
Jenny: Well, what were the police talking to him about?
Cordelia: Oh, don't tell me, I know this one. Um... (thinks) Something about... a homicide.
Buffy: That's it. I-I'm calling him right now. She goes to find a phone. Jenny rubs her head with worry.
Cut to the library. Buffy heads for Giles' office when she hears something in the stacks and stops in her tracks to look. She sees a shadow move across one of the bookcases in the anteroom. She goes up the stairs and through the French doors. Slowly she walks down the main aisle, looking around and down each side aisle. As she passes one a man watches her search. Buffy keeps looking. He sees her through a gap in the books and puts his hands against the bookcase to push it over onto her. She looks up and sees it's Ethan, and dashes away just in time to avoid being crushed under the bookcase. Ethan tries to make his escape, but he's limping heavily and can't run. She grabs him by the arm and turns him around.
Buffy: I know you! You were in that costume shop.
Ethan: Oh, I'm pleased you remember. (tries to go)
Buffy: (stops him) You sold me that dress for Halloween, and nearly got us all killed!
Ethan: But you looked great. She punches him squarely in the jaw.
Ethan: Owww! (straightens back up holding his jaw) So now we're even?
Buffy: I'll let you know when we're even. What're you doing here?
Ethan: Snooping around.
Buffy: Honesty. Nice touch.
Ethan: It's one of my virtues. (smiles) Not really.
Buffy: I've got a great idea: why don't I just call the police and have you arrested for breaking and entering, and then I can get back to my fun Saturday?
Ethan: Yes, the police. Well, they'll have all those questions, and they'll really need Rupert to answer them all.
Buffy: You know Giles.
Ethan: We go back. Way back. You don't happen to know where he is, do you?
Cut to Giles' nightmare. The tattoo on his arm. Visions of a demon, of Diedre in her rotted state, of eyes glowing yellow. His phone rings. Cut to his apartment. He stirs at his desk and fumbles with the phone, managing to pick up the receiver.
Giles: Hello.
Buffy: (cut to her) Giles, it's me.
Giles: (cut to him) (exhales) Buffy, u-unless this is an emergency, I'll see you on Monday.
Buffy: (cut to her) What's the Mark of Eyghon?
Cut to Giles. He is surprised to hear those words from her. Cut to the library.
Buffy: Giles?
Ethan: Cat got his tongue?
Buffy: I'm in your office with someone who claims to be an old friend of yours. (cut to Giles) Ethan Rayne?
Giles: He's there with you? Listen, Buffy, you're... you're in grave danger while Ethan's there. I want you to (cut to Buffy) put the phone down and get out of the library as soon as possible.
Buffy: I'm not going anywhere until you give me some answers! Philip comes crashing through a window in Giles' office. Ethan steps behind Buffy and holds her in front of him.
Giles: Buffy?
Cut to Giles' apartment. He grabs his glasses and runs from his apartment. Cut to the library. Philip comes out of Giles' office and straight for Buffy. She kicks him in the chest and rolls over the counter. He comes through the door and at her again. Ethan climbs over the counter, too.
Philip: Ethan! Xander comes in, followed by the others.
Buffy: Don't let him get away! Xander pushes Ethan up against the counter, but gets pushed aside. The doors are held wide open by the women, and Ethan tries to make his escape past them, but Cordelia knees him in the crotch and he collapses. Buffy looks around for what to do with Philip and spots the open cage door. She backs toward it, then turns and makes like she's running in. Philip hurries to follow, but she sidesteps the door and kicks him into the cage as he runs by. She slams the door shut and locks it. Ethan is still lying in pain on the floor. Dissolve to later. Ethan is sitting in a chair at the table being watched by Buffy. The others observe Philip. Willow has seen enough and goes over to Buffy.
Willow: I'm not gonna get close enough to feel his pulse, but... he looks dead.
Xander: Except for the walking and attacking Buffy part.
Ethan: He's dead. Sorry, Philip. Really I am. Giles barges into the library.
Giles: Is everyone alright?
Cordelia: Super! (proud of herself) I kicked a guy!
Jenny: We're okay.
Xander: Deadguy here interrupted our tutorial. (to Philip) Been meaning to thank you for that. Philip jumps at him, and Xander backs off. Giles walks over to have a look at Philip.
Giles: It can't be!
Ethan: Yes, it can. (Giles turns to him) Hello, Ripper.
Giles: I thought I told you to leave town.
Ethan: You did. I didn't. (Giles approaches him) Shop's lease is paid till the end of the month.
Cordelia: (to Xander) Uh, why did he call him Ripper? Giles grabs Ethan by the hair on the back of his neck and lifts him out of his chair.
Giles: You should've left when I told you.
Cordelia: Ohhhh...
Buffy: Giles?!
Giles: You put these people in danger. The people I care about.
Ethan: If you cared so much about them, why didn't *you* leave town? (pushes Giles' arm away) You've been having the dreams, I know. I have. We both know what's coming.
Buffy: What dreams?! What is going on here?!
Ethan: Tell her, Ripper.
Buffy: Giles... Philip breaks the cage door and throws it open into Jenny, knocking her out. Xander quickly moves away and pushes Cordelia with him.
Giles: JENNY! He scrambles to her aid. Buffy gets between Ethan and Philip and kicks him in the chest three times, forcing him back against the cage. He slides down to the floor, but gets back up and comes for Buffy again. Before he can reach her, his eyes go wide, he begins to convulse and he collapses to the floor next to Jenny. He disintegrates into a puddle of slime. It begins to spread out. Everyone stares.
Willow: Now, there's something you don't see everyday.
Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty.
Buffy: (looks around) Where's Ethan? (runs off) Where'd he go? The slime oozes its way to Jenny, and her hand stirs when it makes contact. She regains consciousness, and Giles helps her sit up.
Giles: Are you alright, Jenny?
Jenny: Ow! (cradles her head in her hand)
Giles: Careful!
Jenny: Ohhh...
Giles: Can you stand? (helps her up)
Jenny: I think so.
Cordelia: This is what happens when you have school on Saturday. Xander gives her a look.
Jenny: (unsteady) Mm.
Giles: Lean on me. (pulls her close) It'll be alright.
Jenny: (pulls away to look at him) Promise?
Giles: I promise.
Jenny: I believe you. She closes her eyes and leans on his shoulder, hugging him close. When she opens her eyes again they glow yellow like cat's eyes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles is at the table stroking Jenny's hair as she rests her head against her hand. Buffy comes striding back into the library.
Giles: How's your head?
Jenny: Throbbing.
Buffy: I lost Ethan. Giles, what's going on?
Giles: It's complicated, Buffy, and quite frankly, it's private.
Buffy: I don't care from private! I care from dead guys attacking us. I care from you lost weekending in your apartment.
Giles: I wasn't... I was just trying to find a solution.
Buffy: Giles, share! What is the Mark of Eyghon?
Giles: Hey! (stares her down) This is not your battle! And as your Watcher, (stands up) I'm telling you unequivocally to stay out of it! Buffy can't believe what she's hearing.
Giles: I have to get Jenny home. (helps her up)
Jenny: Mm. Thank you. She rests her head on his shoulder as the two of them walk from the library. Buffy goes over to the others sitting and leaning on the counter.
Buffy: We have work to do. Will, I want you to find out anything and everything you can about the Mark of Eyghon.
Willow: I'll try the 'Net, but 'Mark of Eyghon' sounds like Giles and his books sorta deal.
Buffy: Then we hit the books. Willow heads up into the stacks.
Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah. (heads for the office) Cordelia hops off of the counter and smiles at Buffy.
Buffy: (raises her brows) What?
Cordelia: What about me? I care about Giles.
Buffy: (thinks) Uh, work with Xander.
Cordelia: Well, when I say 'care', I, I mean...
Buffy: Cordelia...
Cordelia: Okay, okay! (walks to the office) Buffy goes to do what she can to help, too.
Cut to Giles' apartment building.
Jenny: Thanks for bringing me here. (cut inside the apartment) Not quite ready to be home alone just yet. She accepts a drink from Giles. He walks around the couch and sits down next to her. She takes a sip of the drink.
Jenny: Ooo!
Giles: Jenny, uh... I'm so very sorry about all of this. (sets down his drink and takes off his glasses) I, uh... I never meant for you to be involved in, in, uh, any of this.
Jenny: So I got involved. (leans forward) That's what happens when two people get involved. Giles looks at her and smiles. He starts to make a move in to kiss her, but stops himself.
Giles: I really am, however, gonna have to get you home. It's not, uh... I'm not a very safe person to be around at the moment.
Jenny: Nothing's safe in this world, Rupert. Don't you know that by now? She reaches up and strokes his head behind his ear.
Cut to the library. Willow has found something.
Willow: Ah! Aha! It's not Egyptian, it's Etruscan (goes over to Buffy with her book) mistaken for Egyptian by the design pattern, but any fool can see it predates their iconology. Look, the Mark of Eyghon, worn by his initiates. (reads) 'Eyghon, also called the Sleepwalker, can only exist in this reality by possessing an unconscious host. Temporary possession imbues the host with a euphoric feeling of power.'
Buffy: Yeah, but what about non-temporary?
Willow: (reads) 'Unless the proper rituals are observed, the possession is permanent, and Eyghon will be born from within the host.'
Cordelia: I'm guessing eww!
Willow: Wait. Hey, listen. 'Once called, Eyghon can also take possession of the dead, but its demonic energy soon disintegrates the host, and it must jump to the nearest dead or unconscious person to continue living.'
Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles.
Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and, and orgies.
Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one. Cordelia could've lived without Xander's comment.
Buffy: Uh, wait a minute. The dead guy's all puddly now.
Cordelia: So the demon's gone. There was no one dead to jump into. I mean, we're all not dead, right?
Buffy: No, no one dead.
Xander: But someone unconscious. They realize what happened.
Cut to Giles' apartment. Jenny yanks the phone cord from the wall.
Giles: What was that?
Jenny: What was what?
Giles: I thought I heard something. (comes out of the kitchen with tea)
Jenny: I didn't.
Giles: Here. (hands her a cup) Drink that, and then I'll drive you home.
Jenny: (takes a sip) You could take me home. (sets the cup down) Or you could take advantage of me in my weakened state.
Cut to the library. Buffy is on the phone.
Buffy: Thank you, operator. (hangs up) There's no answer at Ms. Calendar's, and Giles' phone is out of order. I'm gonna go over there.
(strides out)
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Giles: Jenny, uh... (moves away) I'm, I'm really very attracted t-to you.
Jenny: Good. (follows)
Giles: But, um, now really isn't the right time. (faces her)
Jenny: Oh, there's never been a better time.
She pushed him back onto a chair, climbs onto his lap and kisses him hard. He pushes her away.
Giles: It's not right. I would be taking advantage.
Jenny: (gets off) God, you just don't change, do you? (paces)
Giles: What?
Jenny: It's not right, it wouldn't be proper, people might get hurt. You're like a woman, Ripper. You cry at every funeral. You never had the strength for me. You don't deserve me. (whispers) But guess what? You've got me. (takes his head) (in a deep male voice) Under your skin. She grabs his hair and lifts him to his feet. She kisses him roughly. When she pulls back her face has started the transformation to Eyghon.
Jenny/Eyghon: Was it good for you? She smashes his head into the phone on the desk.
Jenny/Eyghon: Aw, you never had the stomach. But that's okay. 'Cause I'm about to rip it out! She pulls him back, and he cries out as he staggers backward into the bar and stumbles to the floor. Buffy kicks open the door and kicks Jenny/Eyghon hard in the jaw, sending her back over the couch and onto the floor. She gets up again and walks around the couch, eyeing Buffy.
Buffy: Back off!
Jenny/Eyghon: (stops and laughs) Three down, two to go. Be seeing ya. She runs and dives through the window. Buffy crouches down beside Giles.
Buffy: Are you alright?
Giles: Oh, Jenny! Oh, God!
Buffy: Giles, how do we stop this?
Giles: Oh, God, what have I done?
Buffy: Talk to me! Giles, you're scaring me.
Giles: I'm sorry.
Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!
Giles: It *is* different.
Buffy: Because you don't know how to stop it?
Giles: Because I created it!
Cut to the library. Xander comes out of Giles' office.
Willow: Did you find anything?
Xander: The most meticulous banking and phone records you've ever seen. And, um, this. He hands her a picture of a young Giles in a leather jacket playing an electric bass.
Willow: (giggles) That's Giles?
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Giles: I was twenty-one, studying history at Oxford. And, of course, the occult by night. I hated it. The tedious grind of study, the... overwhelming pressure of my destiny. I dropped out, I went to London... (exhales) I fell in with the worst crowd that would have me. We practiced magicks. Small stuff for pleasure or gain. And Ethan and I discovered something... bigger.
Buffy: Eyghon.
Giles: Yes. One of us would, um... (nervously pours a drink) go into a deep sleep, and the others would, uh, summon him. It was an extraordinary high! (smiles nervously) God, we were fools.
Buffy: You couldn't control it.
Giles: One of us, Randall, he lost control. Eyghon took him whole. We tried to exorcise the demon from Randall, but it killed him. No. We killed him. We thought we were free of the demon after that. But now he's back. And one by one, he will kill us all.
Buffy: Three down, two to go? Giles nods.
Buffy: Then it's going after Ethan. (gets up) I better beat it there.
Giles: (gets up) *We'd* better.
Buffy: *I'd* better. Giles, you're barely mobile, and speed is of a serious essence here.
Giles: (sits back down) I don't know how to stop it without killing Jenny.
Buffy: I've got the guys working on it. I'll, um, try to contain it until we figure something. (starts to go)
Giles: Buffy? (she stops) I'm sorry.
Buffy: I know. (leaves)
Cut to the street in front of Ethan's. Cut inside. Buffy opens the door and looks in.
Buffy: Ethan? (comes in and closes the door) Ethan? (looks around) Giles told me everything. Look, it's coming for you.
Ethan: (appears behind her) And you came to protect me? I'm touched.
Buffy: Don't worry, it's nothing personal. To protect Giles I have to protect you. (walks past him)
Ethan: How does Ripper inspire such goodness?
Buffy: 'Cause he's Giles.
Ethan: And I'm not. Still, lucky me.
Buffy: Hmm. Lucky you.
Ethan: Well, we can't run. Eyghon will find us. (shows his tattoo) This mark's like a homing beacon.
Buffy: That's okay. I'm not much into running.
Ethan: Aren't we manly?
Buffy: One of us is. You're gonna hide till it's over.
Ethan: Excellent plan.
Buffy: Is there a way in through the back?
Ethan: Uh, there's a back door. It's locked. I think it's solid.
Buffy: We'll set up there. Let's go.
Ethan: Oh, no, please. He indicates she should go first. She heads toward the back as he picks up a mannequin arm and hits her across the back with it, knocking her down and out.
Ethan: Ladies first. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Ethan's shop. He's humming while he works. Buffy is lying face down on a table with her arms tied together underneath. She wakes up.
Ethan: Wakey, wakey. You're missing all the fun.
Buffy: What fun?
Ethan: Your initiation. He sets down a tray of tattooing instruments.
Buffy: You know what? I'm not real interested in joining your club.
Ethan: Too late. I already voted you in. (she struggles) Y'know, I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy. I actually kinda like you. It's ju, it's just that I like myself a whole lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is, this is really big for your soul. Buffy struggles with the rope.
Ethan: You know, taking my place with the demon, giving so that others may live.
Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
Ethan: Sweet child. (takes the tattoo ink and needle) Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in. Buffy struggles harder. He bends over her to begin.
Ethan: You can go ahead and scream if you like. He starts tattooing her on the back of her neck.
Cut to the library. Willow, Xander and Cordelia are researching books.
Willow: We have to figure out how to kill this thing, and we need to do it fast. (takes a sip of tea)
Xander: (reads) Uh, 'hot lava.'
Willow: That's for a heretic.
Xander: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, ooo, ooo! 'Bury a potato!' No, that's for warts. Who writes this stuff?
Cordelia: I've got the solution right here. 'To kill a demon cut off its head.'
Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! We'll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey! She'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice?
Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.
Xander: (Gets up) That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!
Cordelia: (gets up and walks to him) I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!
Xander: Give it your best shot.
Willow: (had enough, gets up) HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library! (points to the door)
Cordelia: (meekly) We're sorry.
Xander: We'll be good.
Willow: (nods and sits) Okay. Now, we've done the research. We just have to figure out how to use it.
Xander: Oh, hey! Why don't we find another dead body for the demon to jump into!
Cordelia: Yes! At the cemetery.
Willow: Well, that won't kill the demon. It'll only give it a change of scenery. (something clicks) Oh. Oh! Oh, I've got it! (runs for the phone) I've got it!
Xander: She's good! (follows) Cordelia smiles and follows also.
Cut to Ethan's shop. Ethan has finished Buffy's tattoo.
Ethan: Hmm. I think I missed my calling as an artist.
Buffy: Ethan, listen to me. This is a bad idea. You're dealing with something very dangerous.
Ethan: (rolls up his left sleeve) But it will get Eyghon off my scent. He picks up a bottle of sulfuric acid. Buffy draws a breath in fright, thinking the acid is meant for her.
Ethan: Now relax. I'm finished with you. This is for me. Buffy has found an exposed screw on the underside of the table and begins scraping her rope against it. Ethan steels himself for the burn of the acid. He slowly pours it onto his Mark of Eyghon tattoo. Buffy looks at him like he's insane. He does his best not to scream but lets out a few grunts of pain. Buffy keeps scraping the rope on the screw.
Cut to Giles' apartment. He's about to leave his apartment when he's caught by a waking nightmare and collapses to the floor, unable to remain standing. He has visions of the Mark of Eyghon and various friends incarnate of Eyghon, and finally of Buffy with her new tattoo. He wakes.
Giles: Oh! Ethan... No. No! He quickly gets up, grabs his coat and staggers out the door, still weak and not bothering to close it behind him.
Cut to Ethan's. He wraps his arm in a bandage.
Ethan: Well, I hate to mutilate and run, but... He and Buffy see a diffuse green light shine through the shop windows and the shadow of Jenny/Eyghon coming to the door. The door opens and Jenny/Eyghon steps in, well on her way to transforming into Eyghon.
Jenny/Eyghon: (to Ethan in a deep male voice) It's your time. Buffy is almost through the rope under the table. Jenny/Eyghon steps up to Ethan. He stares at her in fear. She sniffs a few times and realizes he's not the one she's after anymore. She turns to Buffy, and her eyes glow. Jenny/Eyghon shoves Ethan aside just as Buffy gets through the rope. Buffy rolls off of the table and onto the floor as Jenny/Eyghon lunges for her. She kicks up and flips Jenny/Eyghon and the table over and onto the floor. They both get up. Jenny/Eyghon holds the table in her hands and rushes Buffy with it, pushing her into some crates. Giles barges in through the door.
Giles: Eyghon! Take me. Jenny/Eyghon tosses the table aside and turns to face Giles.
Giles: Buffy, get out of here! Jenny/Eyghon slowly advances on Giles.
Buffy: NO! (gets between them) No! Jenny/Eyghon stretches her arm out at Buffy, and she goes flying into a pile of boxes. Jenny/Eyghon grabs Giles by the collar, pulls him around and down to the floor and stands over him.
Jenny/Eyghon: I've been waiting a long time to do this. As she bends down to grab Giles Angel runs in through the door, grabs her and pulls her to the crate, banging her head into it. He takes her by the neck and starts to choke her. Willow, Xander and Cordelia run in next. Willow holds Giles back as he gets up.
Giles: He's killing her!
Willow: No! Trust me! This is gonna work! Angel continues choking Jenny/Eyghon. Xander helps Buffy up. Finally Eyghon has to jump and does so, right into Angel. He drops Jenny as he's thrown back into the wall and begins convulsing. When Jenny hits the floor she is herself again. Willow lets go of Giles, and he immediately gets on his hands and knees next to her.
Giles: Jenny! Angel's face twists and contorts as the demons inside of him fight it out. He is thrown to the crate and hits his head. His face goes through a few more contortions when Eyghon suddenly appears, apparently gaining the upper hand. After a moment Angel's face shifts back to normal, then back to Eyghon, then back to normal again. He is thrown back against the wall. Another moment's struggle and the demon inside Angel throws Eyghon out. Without a host body to occupy Eyghon quickly crumbles into ashes. Angel gasps and collapses to the floor. They all run over to his aid. Giles reaches out to Jenny. She shifts to look at him.
Giles: Jenny!
Jenny: Rupert... Ethan gets up and runs from the shop.
Buffy: You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.
Angel: I put it in danger.
Willow: And it jumped. (stands up)
Angel: (gets up) I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... (exhales) just waitin' for a good fight.
Buffy: Winner and still champion.
Xander: Uh, I think that Ethan guy disappeared again.
Buffy: Darn. I really wanted to hit him till he bled.
Cordelia: Well, at least it's over. Buffy and Angel look over at Jenny and Giles. Jenny clings to Giles as they walk out of the shop.
Cut to school the next day. Willow, Xander and Buffy walk across the quad.
Buffy: You know what the worst thing is? I was saving up for some very important shoes, and now I have to blow my entire allowance to get this stupid tattoo removed. Let's just hope my mom doesn't see it first.
Xander: Puttin' that demon into Angel was pretty brill, Will.
Willow: I wasn't sure it was gonna work.
Buffy: But it did.
Xander: Like a charm.
Buffy: Hey! Maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher.
Willow: Oh, no, I don't think I could handle the stress.
Xander: And the dental plan is crap.
Willow: I don't see how Giles does it. They see him walking.
Buffy: I don't think he has a choice.
Cut to the hall. Jenny walks to the stairs and is about to start up when Giles catches up with her.
Giles: Uh, uh, Jenny! Jenny... She stops and turns to face him.
Jenny: Rupert, hi.
Giles: Uh... I-I-I tried to call you last night, s-see how you were.
Jenny: Yeah, I-I-I, uh... I left my phone off the hook. I seem to need a lot of sleep lately.
Giles: But, but you're al-alright? Is, is, is there anything you need?
Jenny: Mm, no, I'm fine. I mean, I'm not... running around, wind in my hair, 'the hills are alive with the sound of music' fine, but... I'm coping.
Giles: I, I would like to help.
Jenny: I know.
Giles: Perhaps we could, um, talk sometime, um... dinner, or, or a drink? When you're feeling stronger. Buffy sees them talking.
Jenny: Sure, sometime. Giles reaches out to her, but she takes a backward step up and away from him and draws a deep breath.
Jenny: Yeah. Sometime. (pauses) I better get to class.
Giles: Yes, of course. He watches her go up the stairs. When she's gone from sight he looks down sadly, and after a moment starts to go to his library. Buffy catches up to him.
Buffy: Hey. They round the corner and stop.
Buffy: Is she okay?
Giles: Um... The hills are not alive.
Buffy: (doesn't understand) I'm sorry to hear that. I think.
Giles: I don't think she'll ever really forgive me. Maybe she shouldn't.
Buffy: Maybe you should.
Giles: I never wanted you to see that side of me.
Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and (inhales) then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.
Buffy: Who would've thought?
Giles: Some are even, uh... shortsighted, foolish people.
Buffy: So, after all this time, we finally find out that we *do* have something in common. Which, apart from being a little weird, is kind of okay. (pauses) I think we're supposed to be training right now.
Giles: Yes. Yes. Um, need to concentrate on your flexibility.
Buffy: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. (holds up a black CD) Go on, say it. You know you want to.
Giles: It's not music, it's just, uh, meaningless sounds.
Buffy: There. Feel better?
Giles: Yes. Thanks. They head into the next hall toward the library.
Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.


THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG
BY: ROBERT HOLMES
Part One
Running time: 24:44
[SCENE_BREAK]
JAGO: Mister Chang. Wonderful, wonderful. Words fail me, sir. Words quite fail me.
CHANG: You are most generous.
JAGO: Have I ever, in my thirty years in the halls, seen such a dazzling display of lustrous legerdemain? So many feats of superlative, supernatural skill? The answer must be never, sir. Never.
SIN: Honourable master is kind to bestow praise on humble Chang's miserable, unworthy head.
JAGO: Dashed clever, the way you work the little fellow. Wires in the sleeves, I dare say. But I'll not pry, Mister Chang. The secrets of the artistes are sacrosanct.
BULLER (OOV.): Hey, you!
JAGO: What the deuce?
BULLER: Where's my Emma? What have you done with her?
JAGO: You've got no right to burst in here.
BULLER: Out of my way! It's him I want.
CHANG: Your Emma?
BULLER: She come in here last night and nobody ain't seen her since.
JAGO: I'll have the fellow ejected.
BULLER: Now I'm asking you, mister, what's happened to her?
JAGO: Call the stage hands, Freddy.
CHANG: It's all right, Mister Jago. Please, come with me.
JAGO: Courteous coves, these Chinese. I'd have propelled him onto the pavement with a punt up the posterior.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHANG: Your wife?
BULLER: Emma Buller. And don't deny she was here, cos I saw her with my own eyes.
CHANG: Many ladies come to theatre. Why should you think
BULLER: Not round the side door, they don't. Now, look. I was passing in my cab and I saw her plain, and I know it was you she was calling on. She's been acting queer ever since you put the 'fluence on her last week, so don't try coming the innocent, Mister. I want to know where she is or I'm calling the law. Clear?
CHANG: Your wife came on stage?
BULLER: Last week. Levitated her, you did. She's not been the same since. It's done something to her reason, I shouldn't wonder. And she was here last night.
CHANG: Not to see me.
BULLER: Don't come the cod. She's disappeared. Nobody's seen her, not since she come here last night, so what about it, eh?
CHANG: In my country we have saying. Man who goes too quickly may step in bear trap.
BULLER: Right, I'm getting the Peelers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: These clothes are ridiculous. Why must I wear them?
DOCTOR (OOV.): Because you can't go walking around Victorian London in skins. You'll frighten the horses.
DOCTOR: Anyway, we don't want to be conspicuous, do we?
LEELA: A swamp creature. That was it's attack cry.
DOCTOR: Oh no, it was a ship on the river. Excellent. It means we can't be far away.
LEELA: From where?
DOCTOR: From where we're going.
LEELA: Doctor, you make me wear strange clothes, you tell me nothing. You are trying to annoy me.
DOCTOR: I'm trying to teach you, Leela. Surely you'd like to see how your ancestors enjoyed themselves? Splendid. That's why I'm taking you to the theatre. Li H'sen Chang. Hmm, pity. I'd rather hoped we'd catch Little Tich. Never mind. If we hurry we'll just catch the second house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JAGO: You'd better get your tail pinned on. Linens up in five minutes. Casey, have you got the oopizootics coming on?
CASEY: Mister Jago, I've seen it. I've seen it again!
JAGO: Be quiet. I told you before.
CASEY: Horrible, horrible it was, Mister Jago. A great skull coming at me out of the dark.
JAGO: Damme, you don't want to bankrupt me, Casey. Keep your voice down. Threadbare in Carey Street I'll be if people get the notion there's anything wrong with this theatre.
CASEY: Chains clanking, nine foot tall.
JAGO: You've been drinking.
CASEY: Not a drop, sir.
JAGO: Well, it's time you started.
JAGO: Now pull yourself together, man.
CASEY: I ain't never going down that cellar again. There I was, fixing the trap, when this apparition rose out of the ground in front of me. Hideous, it was. Hideous.
JAGO: That's enough.
JAGO: It's your imagination.
CASEY: Never.
JAGO: A cat or something must be trapped down there making noises. Tell you what I'll do, Casey. I'll come down with you this evening, as soon as the house is clear, and we'll have a good look round. Now how's that?
CASEY: It was no cat, Mister Jago. I seen it!
JAGO: Please, Casey, remember, mum's the word.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: This is a big village.
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEELA: What's the name of the tribe here?
DOCTOR: Cockneys.
LEELA: The sound of death!
DOCTOR: You stay here.
DOCTOR: Excuse me, can I help you?
QUICK (OOV.): Hold you there.
QUICK: Now then, what's all this?
LEELA: Touch me and I'll break your arm.
QUICK: Now don't be foolish, miss.
DOCTOR: Good evening.
LEELA: Keep back, Doctor. Blue guards!
DOCTOR: Good evening, Constable.
QUICK: Good evening, sir. You know this young female, sir?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes. We were attacked by this little man and four other little men.
QUICK: When I got here, sir, he was being strangled with his own pigtail, sir.
DOCTOR: Really? Girlish enthusiasm, officer?
QUICK: You might call it that, sir. I call it making an affray. I must ask you to come down the station with me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHANG: Please to see, ladies and gentlemen, subject now in state of deep hypnosis.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
SIN: She asleep.
CHANG: She not asleep, Mister Sin.
SIN: She been slugging type of toddy.
CHANG: I will prove young lady not asleep.
SIN: She's lying on metal bar.
CHANG: Not lying on metal bar.
SIN: I've seen it done before.
CHANG: I will prove young lady not lying on metal bar.
SIN: She's held up by wires.
CHANG: Enough.
SIN: You can't fool me.
CHANG: Silence!
SIN: Don't touch me! Help! Police! Murder!
CHANG: You see? No wires, Mister Sin. I will now demonstrate art of levitation raising most beautiful lady high above own topknot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KYLE: Name, sir?
DOCTOR: Doctor. Leela.
KYLE: Place of residence, sir?
LEELA: We've only just arrived here.
DOCTOR: We're on our way to the theatre, do you see.
KYLE: Your home address will do for the moment, sir. You do have a permanent address, sir?
DOCTOR: No, Sergeant. We're travellers.
KYLE: I see. Persons of no fixed abode.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. We do have an abode. It's called a TARDIS.
KYLE: A TARDIS.
DOCTOR: But it's not fixed.
KYLE: I can give you and the young lady a fixed abode, sir. Quite easily.
DOCTOR: Flat footed imbecile.
KYLE: What was that, sir?
DOCTOR: It was nothing complementary. Get on with it, Sergeant.
KYLE: Now look, sir. We've got our hands full here, all these girls going missing in the manor, so if you'd just oblige us by answering any questions we'll get on a lot better. And a lot quicker.
DOCTOR: Sergeant, all this is irrelevant. I've come here to lay evidence.
KYLE: We'll come to that in good time.
DOCTOR: We'll come to that now, Sergeant. We've just prevented a kidnapping, a robbery or even a murder. My friend here caught one of the attackers. Let's come to it now, shall we?
KYLE: We've only your word as to what he did, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Tell him. Tell him.
LEELA: The man they were carrying was dead. He had been stabbed through the heart!
KYLE: Really, Miss. And how can you be sure of that?
LEELA: I am a warrior of the Sevateem. I know the different sounds of death. Now put our prisoner to the torture!
KYLE: Well, if that don't take the biscuit. Torture, eh? This isn't the Dark Ages, you know.
LEELA: Make him talk.
KYLE: He's a Chinese, if you hadn't noticed. We get a lot of those in here, Limehouse being so close. Him jaw-jaw plenty by and by, eh, Johnny? I've sent for an interpreter.
DOCTOR: That won't be necessary. I speak Mandarin, Cantonese, all the dialects.
KYLE: Oh yes?
DOCTOR: Yes. Ne how ma? Ni chi mao cora (and so on)
KYLE: Yeah, very remarkable, I'm sure, Doctor, but since you're a party to the case, it isn't proper.
KYLE: Now what? That come from the river.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WOMAN: Look, there it is, guv. See? Look.
QUICK: Hurry with that boat hook.
WOMAN: It's a floater, all right. You've got it, guv.
WOMAN: On my oath, you wouldn't want that served with onions. Never seen anything like it in all my puff. Oh, make an 'orse sick, that would.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KYLE: Good of you to come so prompt, sir.
CHANG: Not at all, Sergeant. I'm always happy to be of service to the police. What can I do for you this time?
KYLE: A complaint against this man, sir. The lady and gentleman here swear they saw him, in concert with others not in custody, carrying what appeared to be a body, sir.
CHANG: Indeed.
KYLE: A European body as I understand them, sir.
CHANG: What happened to the others?
LEELA: They got away. I caught this one.
CHANG: You caught him? Remarkable.
DOCTOR: Don't I know you?
CHANG: I think not.
DOCTOR: Yes, I've seen you somewhere before.
CHANG: I understand we all look the same.
DOCTOR: Are you Chinese? Yes, that's it. We must have. No, I haven't been in China for four hundred years.
CHANG: Are you taking this matter seriously, Sergeant?
KYLE: We are, sir. Will you question the man, sir?
CHANG: Very well.
CHANG: Can I have paper and pencil, please, Sergeant?
KYLE: Certainly, sir.
DOCTOR: Got it! Li H'sen Chang.
CHANG: What?
DOCTOR: The Master of Magic and Mesmerism. Show us a trick.
DOCTOR: Very good. Very good.
KYLE: I think he's dead, sir.
DOCTOR: How did you do it?
CHANG: I did nothing. What are you suggesting.
DOCTOR: Scorpion venom.
KYLE: Scorpion venom?
DOCTOR: Highly concentrated scorpion venom. It killed him almost instantly.
DOCTOR: The Tong of the Black Scorpion.
KYLE: Don't know that one, sir.
DOCTOR: One of the most dangerous politico-criminal organisations in the world. Wouldn't you agree, Li H'sen Chang?
CHANG: You seem remarkably well-informed, Doctor. Alas, I know nothing of these matters. Most regrettable incident. Goodnight, Sergeant.
KYLE: Thank you, sir.
CHANG: I'm sure we shall meet again.
LEELA: Yes.
CHANG: Perhaps under more pleasant circumstances.
KYLE: Well, I don't know what to do about this lot.
DOCTOR: Then I'll tell you what to do, Sergeant. Organise a post-mortem. I want an analysis of the organs.
KYLE: You want what, sir?
DOCTOR: Well naturally I'm going to help. If the Tong of the Black Scorpion's here in London, you're going to need all the help you can get. Now cut along and do as I say. Now!
KYLE: Yes, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHANG: Faster, man, faster.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JAGO: Twinkle, twinkle, out in front.
CASEY: Eh?
JAGO: Gallery lights still burning.
CASEY: I'll just go and see to them now, Mister Jago.
JAGO: Everyone gone?
CASEY: Aye, just locked up, sir.
JAGO: I hope those girls go straight home to their digs.
CASEY: Oh, that they will, sir, with all this in the papers. Nine are missing now, you know.
JAGO: Nine. There was some fellow in here earlier blaming Chang of all people for some girl's disappearance.
CASEY: Just vanished off the streets, they have. Mostly in this area, too. What do you think's happened to them, Mister Jago?
JAGO: Nothing good, Casey, nothing good. That's a stone certainty.
CASEY: Oh, it says in the paper how it could be jolly Jack at work again.
JAGO: Jolly Jack?
CASEY: The Ripper, Mister Jago.
JAGO: The horrendous hyperbole of Grub Street, Casey.
CASEY: Eh?
JAGO: Newspaper gossip. They're probably just stony and scarpered. Cut along now. I'll wait for you here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JAGO: I was right. It was blood. Blood all over the hand and wrist. How did that get there?
CASEY: Ready, Mister Jago.
JAGO: Oh, Casey. Don't ever do that to me again. If the celestial Chang caught me trying to pinch his tricks. I had an idea that his dummy was a midget dressed up, but it's just an ordinary vent's doll.
CASEY: Are we going to look down the cellar, Mister Jago?
JAGO: Of course, Casey. Of course. When I promise to do something. Determination, character. After you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: They're what's known as a very dangerous bunch. Fanatical followers of an ancient Chinese god called Weng-Chiang.
LEELA: The Tong of the Black Scorpion?
DOCTOR: Yes. His followers believe that one day he'll come back and rule the world.
LEELA: So what's he like, this Weng-Chiang?
DOCTOR: Oh, very pleasant company. They say he blew poisonous fumes from his mouth and that he killed men with a white light that shone from his eyes.
LEELA: Magic!
DOCTOR: Superstitious rubbish. Here we are.
QUICK (OOV.): They're in there now, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
QUICK: Taken from the river not half an hour ago. Professor Litefoot's conducting his examination now, sir.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, our case is much more urgent.
QUICK: I wouldn't go in there if I was you, sir.
DOCTOR: Don't you worry about it. Don't you worry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LITEFOOT: Thank you.
LITEFOOT: Who the devil are you, sir.
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, come to help you.
LITEFOOT: When I need anyone's help in pathology, I'll ask for it.
DOCTOR: The constable suggested a drowning case.
LITEFOOT: Fished from the river, but he wasn't drowned.
DOCTOR: By the look of those marks, an animal.
LITEFOOT: Exactly what I think, but what kind of animal leaves mutilations like those?
DOCTOR: Chisel-like incisors. A rodent?
LITEFOOT: Yes, but that's impossible. Look at the size of them.
DOCTOR: Hmm. Have you established the cause of death?
LITEFOOT: Yes, that's another curious thing. All this happened after death.
DOCTOR: Really?
LITEFOOT: He was killed by a knife blow to the heart.
DOCTOR: Are those his clothes?
QUICK: Yes, sir. I'm just taking them for examination.
DOCTOR: Hold that.
LITEFOOT: He was carrying no personal documents, but this indicates he was a licensed cab driver.)
LITEFOOT: Easy enough to identify the poor chap by his number.
LEELA: Doctor, those are the clothes the man we saw was wearing.
DOCTOR: What I'd like to know is, what do you think of these?
LITEFOOT: Some sort of hair.
DOCTOR: Yes. I think they're rat hairs.
LITEFOOT: Rat hairs? Do you know what you're saying, man?
DOCTOR: Yes, of course I know what I'm saying.
LITEFOOT: But they're nearly three inches long. Hairs on a rat can't be more than what, quarter of an inch?
DOCTOR: Interesting, isn't it, because I've just remembered something else about Weng-Chiang.
LEELA: What?
DOCTOR: He was the god of abundance. Yes, he made things grow. Can I borrow that?
DOCTOR: Thank you.
LEELA: Where are we going?
DOCTOR: Stay there, Leela.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Were you trying to attract my attention?
DOCTOR: What's this?
LEELA: A Janis thorn.
DOCTOR: Yes. I thought I told you not to carry
LEELA: He was trying to kill you.
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, well, in that case you'd better come along.
LEELA: What is it?
DOCTOR: The entrance to the sewers.
LEELA: Blood. Is this where they took the body?
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEELA: Where's it go?
DOCTOR: Into the Thames eventually. All the sewers are connected.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: What are those creatures?
DOCTOR: Rats.
LEELA: They don't look very dangerous.
DOCTOR: No, they're not. They're very cunning though. They're probably more afraid of us.


[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who's in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!
Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
Ross: No, but come on, we're off to a great start aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh you made it!
Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
Monica: How are you doing?
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: N... No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey! You made it!
Ross: Okay is there...some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I'm gonna go have a baby.
Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute...
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can't guarantee a private room and currently they're all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Nurse: I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think they're out of rooms.
Rachel: They're not!! Ross, they're just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
Ross: Well then we'd be in a lot of trouble, you don't know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm... Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y'know what? I'd have to say I really don't care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to-Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Ross: What-what?
Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well you're only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It'll be a while.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: I'll be back in an hour to check you again.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He's looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
Man: Thank you very much.
Woman: Thanks.
(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
Ross: Hi! Hi, I'm uh Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Don't worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross: Hi Julie.
Julie: Hi.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Rachel: Hi!
Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel: How are you?
Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
Rachel: That's so sweet.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
Marc: No nonsense! We're all in this together.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we're gonna have some fun.
Marc: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh no, I really don't want any-(He takes the picture)-Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross...
Ross: What?
Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie: Oh honey, I think I'm having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they're having a contraction at the same time.)
Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe: Sure! What?
Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Listen uh, I-I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what's that now?!
Chandler: Okay. I've been thinking about it too, and I, I think we're ready.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we're ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
Joey: You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!
Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Chandler: Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) 'Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Monica: That's it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel's hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, that's very-Really very-very okay.
Marc: Julie's cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that's about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachel's cervix Ross?
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don't think we'll be doing that.
Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We're not gonna do that.
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel's and then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.
Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
Ross: Later.
Rachel: No-no-don't! Don't leave me here with these people.
Ross: Oh uh, I'm sorry. (Runs out.)
Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
Ross: Hi! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I-I wished you'd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Oh that's all right, I'm coming back later with your father.
Ross: Oh good.
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Ross: Okay, what's up?
Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
Ross: Ma, you're asking me to marry you?
Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross: N-no! Okay? We've been through this! We're not gonna get married just because she's pregnant, okay?
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Mom, y'know what? I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...
Mrs. Geller: Just...think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Rachel: Hi!
Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.]
Ross: ...she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren't you with Rachel?
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we're not gonna be together just because we're having a baby. Okay?
Phoebe: But y'know what? It just seems that you two belong together.
Ross: Okay, stop it! I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Joey: God. He's crazy! Why doesn't he want to be with Rachel?
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: I mean seriously, she's like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn't and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who's that?
Rachel: New people.
Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel: They're having their baby! It's not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick b*st*rd. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: Yeah? Okay.
Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick b*st*rd: No!
Evil Bitch: Don't you look at her you sick b*st*rd!
Sick b*st*rd: Honey I swear! I wasn't looking at her!
Evil Bitch: She's in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
Ross: Umm. Umm, I'm-I'm just gonna-(Closes the privacy screen.)
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
Ross: No-no, I'm...I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross: Just ignore them.
(Sick b*st*rd sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: He's looking at me.
Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil Bitch: Don't you talk to my husband like that you stupid b*st*rd!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick b*st*rd closes the screen all the way.)
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Look, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.
Monica: Well maybe I'm ready now. I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.
Chandler: What?! It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!!
Monica: What?!!
Chandler: I'm kidding. This is going to be fun.
Monica: So we're gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
Chandler: We're trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y'know I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute, it's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we're in a building that's full of beds!
Monica: And it's so clean!!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Phoebe: All right, I'll see you downstairs then.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: All right.
Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
Man: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi.
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can't.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? How'd yours happen?
Phoebe: Well, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing. Let's just say there was a typographical error with a s*x manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Phoebe: Oh.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn't paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that's me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y'know and maybe you might want to visit someone else...
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: I'm in the middle... (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick b*st*rd are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
Ross: The nurse said they're bringing in another woman.
Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be; she'll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)
Ross: That's it. That's it.
(The next couple enters.)
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine haven't been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he's like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who you're talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
Nurse: I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff...
Joey: (walks up) Uh, she's with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Remoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information; I'm a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damnit woman we're losing precious time! Now do you want this man's blood on your head?
Phoebe: Hands.
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine, I've been treating him for years!
Nurse: He's in room 816.
Joey: 816, thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: I think we found a place.
Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler: Okay. Uh, we'll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it's not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Let's hurry-Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that's him! That's him!
Joey: Great! Go get him.
Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey: (looks in the window) He's not really my type.
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what's he like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]
Rachel: Dr. Long, I've been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three?! I'm dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don't worry, you're doing great. I'll be back soon. (Exits.)
Rachel: Hey, y'know what? I'm not waiting! I'm gonna push this baby out! I'm doing it! I mean it's what? Three centimeters? That's gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
Ross: Actually it's more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. We're gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It's coming! It's coming!
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]
Joey: Hi! I'm Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but I'm a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
Joey: Age?
Cliff: Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: I'm 33.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Cliff: No.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know I'm a widower.
Joey: Oh that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Cliff: No.
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y'know, sexually?
Cliff: No!
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they're brining in yet another woman.]
Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room's available.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) he's a lawyer!
Ross: Uh Rach...
Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Woman: OH....MY....GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it's Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]
Janice: I....can't....believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow it's true!
Janice: I mean this is so great! We're gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Sid: I still can't believe it! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross: (softly) Really?
Sid: (To Janice) What'd he say?
Janice: Oh y'know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid, because he's almost completely deaf.
Rachel: Oh!
Ross: Oh there you go!
Rachel: I get it!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn't even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh we-we didn't.
Ross: No-no. We...
Janice: What?!
Ross: Um uh...We're-we're just having this baby together but uh, uh that's all.
Janice: Why?!!
Ross: Uh well umm...we're just not in that place, y'know? But we're very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
Rachel: Just tell me how.
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
Ross: Sid you lucky deaf b*st*rd.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]
Phoebe: What else? What else?
Joey: Uh, well he's 33.
Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.
Joey: A widower.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he's not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica: We could, or we can have s*x in it.
Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
(They start making out again.)
Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler: If it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean it's the end of the world!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hi.
Rachel: Oh hi.
Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you're trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear-(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)-Mother of God it's true!
Janice: Chandler Bing!
Chandler: Jan-Janice!
Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Chandler: Janice I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human who's essence you've stolen?
Janice: It's you. This is yours.
Chandler: What?!
Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
Chandler: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]
Phoebe: Okay I've got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: I'd have to say...the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you're making me eat him.
Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I'm sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)
Cliff: No, I'm sorry. It's just my foot itches like crazy.
Phoebe: Oh, I'll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, it's not like we're forking.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]
Rachel: Oh that's five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn't she want to come out?
Ross: Y'know what I think it is? I think you've made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn't want to leave.
Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you're a hero.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think you're ready to go to the delivery room.
Rachel: What?
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you're about to become a mom.
Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)
Phoebe: Y'know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)
Cliff: Oh my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before!
Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.
Cliff: I'm telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?
Joey: (entering) Rachel's having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I'm a neurologist.
Cliff: That-that's him! You know him?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I-Okay umm...this...I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y'know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I'm coming off right now.
Cliff: I don't believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Phoebe: You're right, that was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I don't think so.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother's triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do p0rn!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, we're trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey: Right!
Phoebe: Umm, look we don't, we don't really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesn't happen to me either.
Joey: Me neither.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5...4...
Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!
Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
Rachel: I can't. I can't push anymore, I can't.
Ross: Sweetie you're doing great.
Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.
Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!
Rachel: Don't say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?
Ross: What is that?
Dr. Long: It's the baby's buttock, she's breech.
Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
Dr. Long: She's gonna be fine. Okay, she's in a more difficult position so you're gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
Ross: Go!
Dr. Long: Rachel you're gonna have to push even harder, nothing's happening!
Rachel: I'm sorry, I can't!
Ross: Yes you can!
Rachel: I can't!
Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let's go!
Rachel: I can't. Please, you do it for me.
Ross: No! Come on let's-One more time! One final push! Ready? 1...2...3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)
Dr. Long: Good!
Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you okay?
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross: Oh! Oh! She's upside down but she's coming! She's coming!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she's here.
(The newest friend cries.)
Ross: Oh she's...she's perfect.
Rachel: Oh, she's so tiny. (Starts crying) Where'd she go?
Ross: Oh it's okay. They're just-they're just wrapping her up.
Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she's really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: That's fine, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Green.
Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
(Ross and Rachel look into each other's eyes and kiss.)
Rachel: Hello baby girl.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]
Phoebe: Can we come in?
Ross: Oh, come in.
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: There she is!
Phoebe: Oh, she's so beautiful.
Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God! She's amazing. Oh, oh I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had s*x!
Chandler: It's incredible, I mean one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y'know what I mean! She's this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh-oh.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we're good.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You're so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won't.
(Rachel starts crying again.)
Monica: What's the matter?
Rachel: Oh nothing I... Sorry, I just can't stop crying.
Ross: The doctor says it's completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you're sleep deprived.
Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)
Joey: What's the matter now?
Rachel: I was reliving it.
Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
Chandler: So, do you know what you're gonna call her yet?
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross: Uh actually, we-we've narrowed it down to two names.
Rachel: Yeah, and y'know what? I love them both, so why don't you just pick one and that'll be it.
Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh...everyone...this...is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?
Rachel: That's not her name! I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.
Joey: What was the other one Ross?
Ross: Umm, Delilah.
Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
Ross: So I guess we're back to uh, Baby Girl.
Phoebe: Yay!
Rachel: Well what are we going to do?
Monica: It's okay honey, you'll find a name.
Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.
Chandler: You do?
Monica: Yeah, I've had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Chandler: Oh no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn't it?
Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?
Monica: Umm, okay. If it's a boy it's Daniel.
Rachel: And if it's a girl?
Monica: I don't want to say.
Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We're not gonna want it!
Monica: Okay. It's Emma.
Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don't want it.
Monica: Take it.
Rachel: What?
Monica: It's clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y'know, nothing goes with Bing. So I'm screwed. I mean... (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that's you. You're our little Em. Oh what's that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
Janice: He's a keeper. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, I'm fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it's Ross!
Janice: I'm telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they're gonna be there until they start their real family.
Rachel: Well I-That's never gonna happen with Ross.
Janice: Oh well that's what I thought about my first husband, now I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Rachel: Really?
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Rachel: Well... That's...y'know-That's-We've been alone for the last twenty minutes we're doing okay. Besides y'know what? I-I-Maybe we won't be alone, 'cause lately I-I-things have been happening between me and Ross, y'know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y'know? So it might be the...the beginning of something.
Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!
Janice: Oh hi!
Ross: Who's this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
Ross: No-no. No.
Janice: I'm gonna leave the three of you alone.
Ross: Okay.
Janice: Bye. (Exits.)
Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y'know what I was, I was thinking about?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Umm...that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we...we gotta be careful. We...we can't let that happen again, y'know?
Rachel: (pause) Right.
Ross: I mean we don't want to go down that road do we?
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That's why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn't have any sodas?
Ross: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel: That's all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]
Phoebe: Is she in there?
Ross: Yeah. She's putting her down now, that's her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)
Phoebe: Oh!
Ross: Look at Emma!
Phoebe: I just can't decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She's gorgeous, it's all Rachel.
(Pause)
Phoebe: I'm sorry, for the last time, why aren't you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you're not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Ross: It's...it's complicated okay?
Phoebe: Yeah that's true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Ross: Look, we've been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It's just if-if we got together again and it didn't work out...I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything-(Starts to cry.) Oh that's...now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we're doing really, we're doing really well right now.
Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you've wanted since you were fifteen.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she's wiping her eyes.) What's the matter?
Rachel: Nothing.
Joey: What is it? Hey!
Rachel: Really it's nothing. I'm just...
Joey: Rach come on, what?
Rachel: I've just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
Rachel: Oh please, he'll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.
Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?
Rachel: I'm just saying that y'know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and...he's gonna have his own life. Right?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me...you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that's not gonna happen.
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?
(They hug.)
Joey: You don't have to worry about that okay?
(Pause)
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They're right on that chair under Ross's coat.
Joey: Sure.
Rachel: Okay.
(He moves Ross's coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.)
Joey: My God.
Rachel: Joey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.]
[Fade to black.]
Closing Credits