Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals.
Kevin: No.
Jim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.
Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Good morning, Meredith.
Pam: What?
Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok?
Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Jim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?
Worker: Jim, limo's here.
Jim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
Pam: Oh, call me later!
Jim: Ok
Pam: Good luck!
Jim: Thanks!
Pam: Love you.
Jim: Love you too. Bye.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: How you doing?
Darryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...
Val: It's how it has to be.
Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Hurry up already.
Erin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!
Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight: Just lice Pam?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]
Pam: Stop that!
Angela: Dwight!
Erin: Next!
Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.
Pam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Oscar: Pam, really? Come on.
Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
Erin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice.
Angela: Ew! Oh.
Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice!
Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice.
Pam: No! How? I'm so clean!
Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie: No.
Kevin: No.
Dwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis: You got dumped?
Darryl: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.
Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me.
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Kevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.
Angela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.
Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back]
Stanley: Get off me!
Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself!
Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?
Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want.
Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
Jim: You gotta be kidding me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.
Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?
Meredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam: Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?
Pam: Nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
Erin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...
Dwight: To be burned!
Erin: To be washed.
Angela: What do we do about our heads?
Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!
Erin: No, all we need is mayonnaise.
Angela: Excuse me?
Pam: She's right, it works. I would imagine.
Erin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.
Meredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Angela: Oh.
Oscar: Wow.
Meredith: Take a picture. It will last longer.
Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Creed: Bald people make me sick.
Meredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Erin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.
Pam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.
Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you.
Oscar: You're a saint, Pam.
Pam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?
Meredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Hey, Darryl.
Darryl: Oh, hey Val.
Nellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.
Darryl: Yeah.
Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
Nellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.
Phyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.
Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
Kevin: An Escalade.
Nellie: Or what's her name.
Phyllis: Val.
Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.
Jim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?
Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game.
Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?
Julius: It's your wife? You better take it.
Jim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok?
Pam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
Jim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...
Pam: He's really making you work for it, huh?
Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?
Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go.
Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that.
Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?
Jim: I love it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.
Dwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors]
Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!
Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Angela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?
Oscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?
Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?
Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.
Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela.
Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn.
Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.
Pam: Well, wait.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that?
Erin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Can I help you?
Phyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Val: Yeah, that's true.
Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake.
Kevin: Big mistake.
Nellie: Quite enormous.
Phyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all?
Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?
Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val: No.
Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [phone rings] Hello?
Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam: What, no. That can't...I don't...
Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone]
Angela: Oh my God.
Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...
Meredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
Dwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam.
Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Dwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry.
Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.
Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow!
Angela: Sorry.
Oscar: You're waterboarding me!
Angela: Oops.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: You're up.
Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.
Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Pete: Okay.
Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold?
Pete: No, it actually feels kinda nice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Okay.
Darryl: Huh?
Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.
Val: You're not. I believe in us.
Darryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off?
Oscar: I guess so.
Pete: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help.
Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.
Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing]
Jim: And that's all?
Julius: That's it.
Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.
Julius: Yeah, you show me how.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.
Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now?
Pam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Meredith: Forget about it.
Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.
Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Pam: Get it, girl!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there.
Meredith: [starts singing] I come...
Pam: Not yet.
Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.


ACT ONE
Scene One - Apartment The doorbell rings. Daphne opens the door to Roz, who is carrying Alice.
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.
Roz: Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an ice cream party.
Frasier: [emerging from hallway] You told me it was your friends, and the Science Center!
Roz: He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna hurt your precious car.
Frasier: I am not uptight, it's just that I've had some unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car.
Daphne: [going to the hall] I left an umbrella in the trunk.
Frasier: It was a wet umbrella!
Roz: Can I have the keys?
Alice whines softly, prompting Frasier to take them out.
Frasier: [sighs] Yes, yes. [drops them in her hand] After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed? [lugubrious] And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children?
Roz: I'll put a tarp in the backseat.
Frasier: Oh, bless you.
Roz turns to leave and runs into Niles.
Niles: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Frasier: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz: [as the elevator doors close] It needs one, trust me!
Niles: Is, uh, Daphne ready?
Frasier: Uh, actually I think she's in her room. You two have plans?
Niles: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before?
Frasier: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?
Niles: Can you believe she's never been before?
Daphne comes out with Eddie on a leash.
Niles: Hey, Daphne!
Daphne: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Ready to go to the gardens?
Daphne: Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first.
[kisses him]
Niles: Where's Dad?
Daphne: I don't know, he's been gone all morning.
Niles: Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk.
Daphne: Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park.
Niles: [checks his watch] We don't have time to go the dog park, the-the Tour of Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Uh, hey, Frasier, can you take him?
Frasier: No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby.
Daphne: I'll just get Eddie's toys. [leaves]
Frasier: [on phone] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a platinum one! [takes it out and looks] No, no there are no diamonds on the corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the waiting list. I'll see you in June. [hangs up]
Niles: [needling] You're not in the Diamond Alliance?
Frasier: Don't do that!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Park Niles and Daphne are sitting together on a bench in the park, with Eddie. All around them are dogs playing with their owners.
Niles: So this is it.
Daphne: Mmm-hmm.
Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. [looks around] It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne: Don't stare, it only encourages them.
Niles: Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting depravity to explore. [Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne: [takes out a short piece of thick rope] He wants to play a little fetch.
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: Well here, you throw it.
Niles: With my bare hands?
Daphne: Oh come on, it's fun.
Niles: [takes it] Ready? Here we go. And, fetch!
He tosses the rope about two feet away. Eddie quickly picks it up and brings it back.
Niles: All right, I didn't give you enough of a challenge. Here, ready, ready? And, ho! [throws it farther] Go get it! [Eddie runs after it] I'm sorry, I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to spend the day.
Daphne: Yeah...
Niles: In fact, it's kind of...
He trails off as a huge hound comes back with the end of the rope hanging from his jaws.
Niles: Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?
Jim, a tall, handsome, athletic man, follows the hound. Eddie follows him.
Jim: Good boy, good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, Eddie can't keep up with him.
Daphne: It's no problem, Jim. Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.
Niles: [shaking hands] Pleasure.
Jim: Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship.
Daphne: Yeah, that's true.
Jim: I guess we just don't have-
Daphne: Timing!
Jim: -good... [Daphne laughs] And I'm a drummer!
Niles: Which, uh, makes it even more ironic!
Tank starts climbing Niles's leg, to his horror.
Jim: Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. [Tank obeys]
Niles: Wow.
Daphne: Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food.
Niles: Or one of my socks! [laughs, no one else does] But mostly food.
Jim: Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. You, uh, want me to show you?
Daphne: I'd love it.
Jim: Come on. [she gets up]
Niles: Yeah, we'd all love it!
He gets up to follow them, but his cell phone rings.
Niles: Oh uh, you guys, uh... [but they're gone] Be right back. [sits and answers] Hello?!
SMASH CUT TO: A close-up of Martin, dressed in a dark suit and talking on a mobile:
Martin: Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it this morning.
Niles: Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now. Uh, where are you, anyway?
The camera widens to show Martin seated at a table in a nondescript room. It looks a little like a canteen. In the background are two people in suits, conferring.
Martin: Uh, I'm at the track. Uh, had an itch for it when I woke up, and so just I dropped everything and went. Uh, I'm at the window... [puts the phone to his shoulder] I'll have a trifecta in the eighth. [into phone] All right, gotta run.
Niles: Wait, uh-
Martin hangs up. He looks very pensive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MR. HAPPY PANTS
Scene Three - House Lana opens the door to the house, and Frasier follows her in.
Frasier: Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off and then come on your own?
Lana: Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place.
She notices some framed family pictures on the otherwise bare shelves, and quickly removes them to a box on the floor.
Lana: I've been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he keeps driving away every potential buyer.
Frasier: How does he do that?
Phillip, the world's saddest man (judging by his unshaven face and filthy clothes) lumbers in carrying a box.
Phillip: Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it might be my wife coming back to me.
Lana: [as if to a child] No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, Lamar, remember? [Phillip nods sadly] Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner.
Frasier: Hello.
Phillip: Hi.
Lana: Well, see you later Phillip!
Not seeming to hear her, Phillip puts the box on the floor and sinks onto the couch.
Phillip: Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took.
Frasier: Well, uh, at least you're... getting out at the top of the market!
Lana: Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day!
Phillip: [opening the box] Oh, no!
Lana: Oh, God!
Frasier: What's wrong?
Phillip: The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined!
Frasier: Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner-
Lana: [hissed] No!
Frasier drops his coat onto a chair and sits beside Phillip on the couch.
Frasier: Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. [off their looks] Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute!
Lana: Frasier, just give him the address.
Frasier: Yes, yes...
Phillip: [shows him some pictures] I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect American family... until that b*st*rd Lamar showed up to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend visits, and a few treasures from their childhood.
He takes out a popsicle stick house and puts it on the coffee table.
Phillip: Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little water damage in the basement. Just like this house...
Frasier: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier.
Phillip: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed.
Lana: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think you should get back to work?
Phillip: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. [gets up]
Lana: OK, here we go. [he heads toward the front] No, not the front door! Let's go out the side door. [steers him] It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call you when we sell the place, bye!
She shoves him out.
Frasier: Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!
Lana: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!
Frasier: Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes.
Lana: Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give us time to go over the plan.
Frasier: What, what, there's a plan?
Lana: Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal.
Frasier: You're asking me to be your shill?
Lana: [slaps her forehead in mock surprise] That's the word! Yes, yes! Now listen, you don't have to say anything!
Frasier: I'm sorry, no!
Lana: Well, why not?! Well, look, OK, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest!
Frasier: I will do no such thing!
Lana: Why won't you help me?!
Frasier: Because I refuse to lie for you!
Lana: Oh fine, then go wait in the car!
Frasier: I never wanted to leave the car!
Lana: Oh, just get out!
She grabs his coat and flings it at him, hitting the stick house and shattering it into a hundred pieces. They are both horrified.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four - House Lana is picking up the pieces. Frasier comes in the door with a grocery bag.
Frasier: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops!"
Lana: I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra time.
Frasier: Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house!
Lana: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?
Frasier: Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.
Lana: Uh-huh. [holds up a piece] So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?
Frasier: [It's a dirty job, but] I'll do it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Five - Park Daphne watches, delighted, as Tank obeys Jim's every command.
Jim: Sit. Wave, wave. All right, hide your eyes, hide your eyes. Hide 'em...
Niles and Eddie are sitting on the bench watching them. In his loneliness, Niles has begun to pet Eddie.
Niles: Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that.
Daphne: [coming back] How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical.
Niles: Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I have a thought.
Daphne: Yeah?
Niles: In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.
Daphne: What do you mean?
Niles: Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question.
Daphne: Is that fair?
Niles: It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.
Daphne: Well, if it's important to you.
Niles: Then it's agreed?
Daphne: Agreed.
Niles: Good... oh, I've got mine!
Daphne: Already?
Niles: Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again.
Daphne: What?
Niles: I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's the beauty of the irrational demand.
Daphne: Is this about Jim?
Niles: The, uh, demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by definition, irrational.
Daphne: And are you sure this is how you want to use your only one?
Niles: Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. Irrationally, of course.
Daphne: OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this dog park again.
Niles: Thank you. I knew you'd understand. [kisses her]
Jim and Tank come over.
Jim: All right, we're going home. Tank needs to re-hydrate, and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout.
Daphne: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim.
Jim: Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile.
Niles: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Niles: Wow, when do you get back?
Daphne: Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. [to Jim] Good luck, Jim.
Jim: Yes, you too. [hugs her; to Niles] And, uh, stay cool, buddy.
Niles: Oh, you know it.
Jim and Tank leaves.
Daphne: [sighs] I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.
Niles looks very nervous.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Waiting Room Martin is still seated in the waiting room. Joanne, a woman in her early 50's, comes in and sees him. They seem comfortable with each other, but nervous about something else.
Joanne: Hi, Martin.
Martin: Hello, Joanne.
Joanne: How have you been?
Martin: Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat.
Joanne: Thanks. [sits] I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on.
Martin: Yeah, I know, it's a mess.
Joanne: How's your hip?
Martin: Ah, you learn to live with it.
Joanne: I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to call, but... I don't know.
Martin: I understand, it's OK.
Joanne: So... another year has gone by.
Martin: Yeah. Time really flies.
Joanne: I guess it goes a little slower for me.
Silence.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven - House Frasier and Lana are eating popsicles and finishing their new house, which is now only lacking a roof.
Frasier: How's our roof coming?
Lana: Almost done.
Frasier: Good. [looks at her] You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.
She just looks at him with the popsicle in her mouth... and bites off the end, making him flinch.
Frasier: It was a long time ago.
Lana: I think it's kind of funny that we became friends.
Frasier: We're friends?
Lana: Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so?
The end of Frasier's popsicle falls off and dribbles down his shirt.
Frasier: Oh, dear...
Lana: Nice going, dipstick! [takes a tissue and wipes his shirt]
Frasier: It's a brand-new shirt.
Engine noises outside.
Lana: I hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. [gets up] OK, keep working.
Frasier: Right.
Lana: I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair!
She leaves the room. Frasier, before resuming work, takes the scissors and cuts a hole in the middle of a large piece of wall-paper on the floor, and puts it over his head as a smock, all the while holding the popsicle in his mouth.
As he resumes, the elderly Smolenskis come in.
Mrs. Smolenski: It's even nicer than I remember!
They see him - a grown man wearing a huge paper smock, glueing sticks together and sucking on a popsicle.
Mrs. Smolenski: Well, hello there! Are you having fun making your little house?
Frasier, mouth engaged, is unable to reply. Lana comes in.
Lana: Oh, there you are! Hi - oh, I see you've met Frasier. I am so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up!
Mr. Smolenski: Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we've- we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the basement here?
Lana: Honestly?
Mr. Smolenski: Yes.
Lana: This house is sixty years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once.
Mr. Smolenski: Oh!
Frasier clears his throat loudly.
Lana: And I could tell you for a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement.
Frasier makes a hacking cough.
Mrs. Smolenski: Are you choking on your lolly?
Frasier: [takes out popsicle] No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison
known as: deception!
Mrs. Smolenski: He's very verbal!
Even from within his smock, Frasier manages to look righteous and accusing.
Lana: Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny bit in the price?
Mrs. Smolenski: Oh, that'd be wonderful!
Mr. Smolenski: If he could give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer.
Lana: Oh, great! I'll call you tonight.
Mrs. Smolenski: Thank you.
Mr. Smolenski: [to Frasier] Bye, sonny.
Lana: [as they leave] Call you tonight!
She closes the door. Frasier has placed the roof on the house.
Frasier: There now, you see? You did the right thing. That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lana: I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks great!
They start cleaning up, putting their supplies in the grocery bag.
Frasier: Say, you know, we got a few extra popsicle sticks left, why don't we add on a half a bath?
Lana laughs. Frasier heads for the side door, then stops and turns back.
Frasier: You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around - with the door facing the couch. [off her look] Feng Shui!
Lana: Fine, fine, fine, fine.
He leaves the room. Lana lifts the house - and the coffee table comes with it. She tries again, without luck. She braces the table with her legs, and tugs. Nothing.
Making a rapid decision, she lifts the coffee table and turns it around so the door is now facing the couch. Frasier comes back.
Frasier: Ah, perfect.
Lana: Perfect.
Frasier: Now you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like breathing a breath of fresh air, and-
Lana: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go!
Frasier: Oh, all right.
They go out the door.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MOMMIE DEAREST
Scene Eight - Apartment Roz steps off the elevator carrying Alice. She kneels down and stands Alice opposite her.
Roz: OK, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened.
ALICE'S P.O.V. - Her mother looking straight at her.
Roz: Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car? Alice shakes her head from side to side.
Roz: No-you-didn't. That smell was there before, wasn't it? Nods up and down.
Roz: That's-my-girl. [holds out a pack of M&M;'s] There you go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Nine - Hearing Room David Hicks, a man in his 20's, is sitting in a chair, wearing a denim prison uniform.
In front of him are the three members of a Parole Board. Behind him, the room is empty except for Martin, Joanne, and a guard.
David: And besides the library assignment, I've been taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get a job with computers... when I get out.
1st BM: Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?
David: Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.
2nd BM: The victim is here. Mr. Crane? [Martin stands up] Would you like to make a statement?
Martin looks at Joanne, then shakes his head.
Martin: I have nothing to say. [sits back down]
3rd BM: Would you give us a moment?
The Board confers with each other in whispers.
3rd BM: Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery � and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.
As the Parole Board gets up and leaves the room, the guard comes forward to take David back to his cell. Joanne begins to cry, softly. Martin rises, considering whether or not to say anything to her - and then decides to leave quietly.
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Park: Daphne throws the piece of rope again, but Eddie doesn't move. Niles gets up and comes back with it. She takes the rope and playfully tousles his hair as if petting a dog. Playing along, he wags his leg like a tail.


[Brian and Justin are in bed, kissing. Justin is straddling Brian. Looks like our s*x drought is about to end. Ummmm... not so fast. As they continue to kiss, Brian has a sudden flashback to the surgery.]
Woman: Relax and count backwards from ten, Mr. Kinney.
[Brian tries to get down to the business at hand. He rolls Justin over and tears open a condom, which evokes an image of the incision. Obviously, this is not an actual memory; it's Brian's imagination, reminding him of what's no longer there. He looks down, checks the equipment, which seems to be malfunctioning. The moans of pleasure are gone; on his face is a look of intense concentration, not to mention stress and aggravation. But he's not ready to concede defeat. He applies lube. At the moment he tries to push inside Justin, he visualizes the diseased ball being sucked out of his body. Brian gives up. He slides off Justin and sits on the edge of the bed.]
Brian: Don't say anything.
Justin: Look, I'm sure it's just a temporary malfunction. It takes time for your body to heal itself and for you to regain your strength. Be patient. (Rubbing Brian's shoulder). Everything'll be up and running again in no time.
Brian: Thanks for not saying anything.
[At the Novotny-Bruckner household, life proceeds as usual. Intent on spending Mikey's newfound riches before they're earned, Hunter nags for a new wardrobe.]
Hunter: I wanna get those cool Pumas and a pair of Diesel jeans, maybe two.
Michael: Hey, whaddaya think I am, made of money?
Hunter: Like yeah! You're having a movie made.
Michael: We hope. And I didn't work my ass off so I can put expensive jeans on yours!
Hunter: Ben. I wanna get a couple pairs of Diesel jeans.
Ben: Pull up your pants. I can see your shorts!
Hunter: That's the f*ckin' point!
Michael: We're taking Hunter to buy some new clothes.
Hunter: And have pizza and go to a movie.
Michael: Not a Brett Keller movie. So - tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us?
Ben: Sure, fine. (His cell rings) Must be Mark. He has the flu; he asked me to cover his class. (Talks into the phone) Hello? Hey! Uh-huh. Sure. Uh, breakfast, lunch, whatever. Yeah, see you then.
Michael: For somebody who's laid up with the flu, he has a pretty healthy appetite.
Ben: Oh yeah, that wasn't Mark, that was Anthony from the library. Remember I told you about him?
Michael: Yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour!
Ben: That's not true.
Hunter: Maybe he has a crush on you!
Ben: That's not true, either. He's just a nice kid who wants to be a writer. We get together and discuss books. That's ALL. So - tomorrow night, pizza, movie and Diesel jeans.
Hunter: Tight!
B: (eyeing Hunter's ghetto-fabulous baggy jeans) Yeah. Loose.
[Emmett and Drew making the beast with two backs in a motel room.]
Emmett: Touchdown!
[He rolls off Emmett and goes into the bathroom to towel off.]
Emmett: My, how the boy can score!
Drew: I got a good kicker.
Emmett: I'll say.
Drew: That's a quarterback's secret weapon.
Emmett: Speaking of secrets, does your fiancee know?
Drew: Know what?
Emmett: That you're -
Drew: That I'm - ?
Emmett: Do I really have to say it? That you're - the "H" word.
Drew: Hard-bodied? Hot? Hung? Yeah, she knows all that.
Emmett: I meant homosexual? Gay? Queer?
Drew: I'm not a fag!
Emmett: Did I use that word?
Drew: A fag's a sissy, a girl, a pansy. You think I'm that?
Emmett: Hardly!
Drew: A fag can't even throw a ball. You know how far I can throw?
Emmett: I reckon a country mile.
Drew: I'm a hero to millions. Name one fag who's a hero. Name one fag who gets a call from the President saying, "Great game!" Name one fag that's f*cked every Dallas cheerleader - and I don't even play for Dallas. Name one fag who every kid wants to grow up to be.
Emmett: Harvey Fierstein?
Drew: (laughs) So why would anyone think I was a fag?
Emmett: Maybe cause you had your dick up my ass?
Drew: So I like to f*ck guys. It doesn't mean that I love them, or want to kiss them or even know them. It's just for fun, to get off. No one's to ever hear about this. Understand?
Emmett: Who'd believe me if I told them?
[At the gallery, Auerbach is being interviewed by a perky girl reporter about his show which is opening tomorrow. Girl reporter is flirting with Sam. He flirts back. Lindsay looks on, plainly jealous.]
Reporter: Tomorrow your exhibition opens here. Tell me, Mr.Auerbach, why did you use Pittsburgh?
Sam: Well, I didn't know a goddamn reason to come here, either will be.
Reporter: I think that's all we need. This was great. Thank you.
Sam: [kisses her hand] Anytime, honey.
Sam: How was I?
Lindsay: OK, I guess. I wasn't really listening. I was working.
Sam: Glad I didn't distract you.
Lindsay: Not hard.
Sam: You know, I have a strange feeling that I'm being ignored. Strange because I mean, let's face it, I'm not used to being ignored. In fact, I think the last time it happened I was 14, Susan Schroeder was her name. She ditched me at a Tastee-Freez for a guy with a triple scoop. Broke my heart.
Lindsay: Well, you needn't worry. I haven't been to a Tastee-Freez in years. So why don't you go over and flirt with that nice girl reporter and leave me to my work?
[Brian is back in the saddle again - at Kinnetik, at least.]
Brian: (phone rings) Harvey! When have I ever let you down? Name one time! OK, name a second. Hold on. Mr. DeCarlo, sorry to keep you. Right on schedule. Looks great. When? Hold on. (Talks into intercom) Tell Jacob that if the art for Dandy Lube isn't on my desk by 9 a.m. Friday, he'll be teaching remedial finger-painting to kindergartners. (Back to phone) Mr. DeCarlo? How does 10 a.m. Friday sound? (Back to Harvey) Harvey, did you think of a second? See, I told you! Stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover!
[Ted walks in just as Brian is hanging up.]
Ted: Jeez, with an act like that you should be in Vegas, making tigers vanish into thin air!
Brian: Throw me a bone, I'm trying to juggle 15 balls at once!
[Ted throws Brian a look.]
Brian: No remarks. That's a nice suit!
Ted: Worked wonders on Son of Dandy Lube.
Brian: You know, I like your new-found self-confidence, Theodore. Far preferable to your former lack thereof.
Ted: So what's my next assignment, Jim?
Cynthia: Congrats! Brown Athletics is committing a cool mil to snag a model for their new underwear line.
Ted: Well, as luck would have it, I'm available!
Cynthia: Unfortunately, they're looking for someone with a higher profile.
Brian: Not to mention a bigger basket!
Cynthia: They want a famous sports figure.
Ted: I happen to be Pittsburgh's 1986 junior class ping-pong champion! (A beat) Well, runner up.
Brian: So at what hour of the day or night am I supposed to conduct this star search?
Ted: I'll do it for you, Bri!
Brian: You?
Ted: Yeah! I landed Dandy Lube, didn't I? Look, I'll talk to some agents, a few managers, see who's interested and put together a short list. Final draft choice, of course is yours!
Brian: That sounds perfect, except for one itty-bitty detail. You don't know a f*cking thing about sports.
Ted: But I know about s*x, what looks good in a pair of shorts. After all, I am a gay man and s*x is our national pastime.
[Justin and Michael.]
Michael: These drawings of Rage and JT are hot. Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuck-fest with some great-looking guy?
Justin: Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.
Michael: That is so not true! Just because you don't want to see it -
Justin: It's not that I don't want to see it. It's that I can't imagine it!
Michael: Well, I can. When he and his hunky boyfriend, the world-famous paleontologist, Professor Ken Kirschner, get it on, they really rattle the old dinosaur bones! Except ever since the scientific community rejected the Professor's latest research findings, they haven't felt much like doing it.
Justin: I know what that's like. JT hasn't gotten a rise out of Rage since Ice Tina zapped him with her radiation gun.
Michael: You mean -
Justin: Not since the operation.
Michael: I thought the doctor said that -
Justin: Nothing would be affected? Something sure as hell isn't working.
Michael: Maybe he just needs some Viagra.
Justin: You try telling him that!
Michael: Okay! So how about we take a little trip to Chinatown?
Justin: I already ate.
Michael: I meant to see Master Ni.
Justin: Who's he?
Michael: He's this herbalist Ben sees. He says he's a miracle worker. He gave him this stuff that actually helped lower his viral load.
Justin: C'mon, you don't actually believe that!
Michael: Chinese medicine has been working for thousands of years, who am I to doubt it? Besides, if he can help lower Ben's count, maybe he'll be able to raise -
Justin: The Titanic?
[Ben and Anthony are strolling along what passes for the Carnegie Mellon campus.]
Ben: Give them an assignment to critique one of Tennessee Williams' plays and what do they do? They rip them to shreds like a pack of jackals!
Anthony: Oh, you know how some queers are. They're not content to criticize. They have to seek and destroy.
Ben: All I know is, it's a lot harder to create something than it is to tear it apart.
Anthony: Like your book! That must have been like giving birth.
Ben: Most people have no idea.
Anthony: I do. Every sentence I write - or try to - is agony. I don't know why I do it.
Ben: Probably for the same reason I do. You have no choice. If you ever want me to read anything, a story, chapter, sentence, just ask. I promise to be gentle.
Anthony: I'm sure you would be. So what do you think about Edmund White?
Ben: His essays and articles on being positive influenced me tremendously. But I particularly love his autobiographical fiction. In fact, "A Boy's Own Story" influenced me to write "Are You One"
Anthony: Then how about coming with me to his lecture tomorrow night? I've got an extra ticket.
Ben: I would love to, but I already made plans with my partner and our foster son.
Anthony: That takes priority. But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat.
Ben: OK.
[Lesbian s*x. Mel blowing Lindsay. But she look bored]
Lindsay: Honey, that feels wonderful. But do you mind if...
Mel: What?
[Lindsay take a dildo from the table.]
Lindsay: If we used this?
Mel: We're haven't used this since many years.
Lindsay: It's just I don't feel in the mood for this. But if you don't want to...
Mel: No, no, it's what you want. Just give it a try.
[Mel turns on the dildo.]
[Deb's done with her shift for the night. She brushes right past Brian, who's at the register, paying for his take-out order.]
Waitress: Here you go.
Brian: Thanks.
Waitress: Take it easy, Deb'!
Debbie: Yeah, you too, Betty honey. See yo.
[Brian follows her outside, he catches up.]
Brian: In case you didn't notice, I was in the diner.
Debbie: I noticed.
Brian: Walk you home?
Debbie: No, that's OK.
Brian: It's late.
Debbie: I've been doin' it on my own for 20 years. I can take care of myself.
Brian: And you've got a right hook to prove it.
[He rubs his jaw. Deb's attitude softens, but only slightly.]
Debbie: You're working late?
Brian: Just gotta get the job done.
Debbie: Used to be the only reason you'd stay up was because it was still up.
Brian: A lot of things used to be.
Debbie: You're telling me.
Brian: I shouldn't have said what I did. About Vic.
Debbie: You're damn straight you shouldn't have! Not that you were wrong. He was lucky he got those extra years. But it's the way you said it, just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing! Like his whole f*cking life didn't mean a thing!
Brian: I can see your point.
Debbie: Yeah? So why didn't you see it then?
Brian: Maybe because I didn't know I had cancer then.
Debbie: What?
Brian: You gonna make me say it twice?
Debbie: I just wanted to be sure that I heard -
Brian: You heard it.
Debbie: sh1t! Are you - ?
Brian: All right? They think. But - who the hell knows?
Debbie: Well then, what the f*ck you doing out at two in the morning? You should be home, getting your rest, honey!
Brian: I can't sleep, keep having these dreams.
Debbie: Well, force yourself. And make sure you eat. You hear me? You gotta keep your strength up.
Brian: Yes, mother.
[She buttons his coat. Even superheroes need a little nurturing sometimes.]
Debbie: Does she know?
Brian: (shakes head). So far, just Michael and Justin. And - Theodore.
Debbie: And nobody told me?
Brian: I'm telling you.
Debbie: How come?
Brian: So that you'll forgive me and take pity on me.
Debbie: Son-of-a-bitch. (She stands on tiptoe and hugs him.)You gonna be OK, you hear me?]
[Lindz is making a shopping list.]
Lindsay: I'm making a list for the grocery. Butter, pie, old milk. Can you think of anything else?
Mel: Batteries.
Lindsay Huh?
Mel: After last night we need more of them. You were hot, honey.
Lindsay: Fruit, apples, bananas?
Mel: By the way, I talked to Dusty and she said that we can drop Gus off around 4:00, which gives us plenty of time to get ready and go to the opening. Do you want to go together or do you have to get there early?
Lindsay: Oh, I don't need to be there at all.
Mel: Oh, so you can be a guest, just like anyone else.
Lindsay: I mean I've decided not to go.
Mel: What are you talking about? It's your show, you put the whole thing together.
Lindsay: I know.
Mel: So wouldn't you want to -
Lindsay: I've spent enough time on it, okay? It's time I started being more attentive to you, to our family. Michael even had to go to Lamaze for me.
Mel: Hey, hey, hey. When I start feeling like I'm not getting enough attention, I'll let you know. Now, I want you to go and get some of the attention you deserve.
Lindsay: Well, maybe I'll stop by when it's over. See how it went. [They kiss.] Now, I'm up for the grocery.
[Liberty Diner. Emmett is surprised to find Ted poring over sports magazines in the diner.]
Emmett: Since when did Ted Schmidt, reigning opera queen of Pittsburgh, trade in Puccini for pigskin?
Ted: Since I told Brian I'd help him find a famous sports figure to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line.
Emmett: Mmmm...sounds hot! So which hunky jock did you select to drop trou and smile for the birdie?
Ted: I don't know who any of these guys are.
Emmett: Perhaps I can help you out.
Ted: You? Look, at least I know the difference between a football, a baseball and a basketball.
Emmett: Balls are balls. What about him?
Ted: Who?
Emmett: Drew Boyd. Star quarterback for the Ironmen. 62% pass completions, threw two touchdown passes last game and ran for two? Led all quarterbacks in the league in rushing yards. I mean, if he keeps playing the way he's been, he's a cinch to lead his team to a conference championship, then to the Superbowl. [Ted just stares at him.] What?
Ted: How do you know all that?
Emmett: Life's full of surprises. He's also gorgeous. Look at that smile! And those broad shoulders, those burly, burly arms. And that rock-hard butt.
Ted: Alright, alright. You're drooling all over the magazine! He is hot. Too bad he's straight.
Emmett: A girl can always dream!
[And now we have Justin and Mikey's Excellent Adventure in Chinatown. At the herbalist's store, Michael approaches the old man behind the counter.]
Michael: Excuse me, we're looking for something to improve performance.
Man: You a singer? Dancer? Comedian!
Michael: No, not that kind of performance. (Whispers) Sexual performance.
Man: Eh?
Justin: Sexual performance!
Man: (Loudly) Sek-shul. Sek-shul? Sek-shul! (He calls over to woman)
Woman: Sek-shal! (they confer in Chinese)
Man: You not get hard. Come too fast?
Michael: No, it's not for me, it's for my friend.
Woman: Oh, that's what they all say, huh? Low chi. Exhausted chen meridian.
Man: You have the crown of fire in your gate of life. But no worry. We make you hard. Like rock!
Michael: I told you - it's for someone else!
Justin: It's for my boyfriend. He had to have a testicle removed and they gave him radiation.
Woman: Oh, cancer. Edema.
Man: Western medicine. Kill you before it cure you. Too much water. Drown out his fire.
[They mix together a strange herbal concoction.]
Man: Make a tea. Very good s*x!
Michael: (to Justin) See? I told you!
[The couple confer in Cantonese. We see the dialogue in subtitles.]
Man: Which one you think is the top?
Woman: They both look like major bottoms to me!
[Michael and Justin stand there smiling like a pair of idiots, unaware that they're being the topic of discussion.]
[Meanwhile, Brian has taken matters into his own hands (so to speak). He's in the steam room of the gym, with a towel covering the strategic places. A potential trick is aggressively cruising him, but Brian doesn't look too interested. This is not a blase act; he's really not into it, but he allows the guy to start fondling him. He's not here for pleasure; he's here for medicinal purposes! Brian keeps looking down, checking the equipment to see if it's working. No luck. Brian pulls away and leaves, a look of pained disgust on his face.]
[Drew and Emmett, they have no such problems. In yet another hotel room, Emmett and Drew have yet another post-coital chat.]
Drew: It's your turn.
Emmett: I'm in not hurry. Have I ever tell you how hot you look in your undies?
Drew: You and every women.
Emmett: How many man? It's a shame the rest of the world can't see.
Drew: See what?
Emmett: How gorgeous you are!
Drew: I know.
Emmett: I'm serious. You should display your manly charms.
Drew: Flash my cock in Playgirl?
Emmett: I was thinking more like - mmm, underwear ads?
Drew: (laughs) You're kidding.
Emmett: I have this friend who works for an ad agency? He says Brown Athletics is looking for a famous sports figure to be their new underwear model. And you are quite the figure.
Drew: I'm not posing in my shorts. Everyone will think I'm a homo.
Emmett: What everyone will think is, 'I wish I had a body like that and that someone would pay all that money to show it off!' C'mon, pose for me.
Drew: Here?
Emmett: Why not? I'll snap your picture. C'mon, show me what you got. Yeah, make love for the camera. That's the way make me suck your dick.
[Michael is getting a crash course in parenting annoying teenagers.]
Michael: Will you stop nagging me already? I'm not gonna pay $150 for a pair of jeans?
Hunter: Diesel is quality, man!
Michael: They're ripped full of holes! They're gonna be rags after two washings!
Hunter:Please, Dad? I mean, dude?
[The conversation is interrupted by Ben's arrival home.]
Michael: There you are! Hurry up and put down your books. We've gotta go to the mall.
Ben: If it's OK with you, I think I'll pass.
Michael: No, it's not OK. We had this planned.
Hunter: Trashy movie, greasy pizza, overpriced clothes! What more could a man ask for?
Ben: I got invited to a lecture. Edmund White.
Hunter: Who?
Ben: One of our greatest gay writers.
Michael: Who invited you?
Ben: Anthony.
Michael: Anthony.
Ben: Look, this is important to me.
Michael: And this is important to Hunter!
Ben: It doesn't take two of us to buy him a pair of jeans.
Michael: That's not the point!
Hunter: Hey, hey! It's just the mall! In fact, how about you both not go and give me your credit card?
Michael: Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, but I'm still going. (To Ben) I'm sorry you're not.
[Lindsay arrives at the gallery after the show is over]
Lindsay: I'm sorry Sidney, I'm late. But I couldn't be helped. Mel had to work late, my hands are full.
Sidney: So were mine. Excepting cheques, VISA or Mastercard.
Lindsay: Then it was a success?
Sidney: Awesome! It's too bad you've missed it.
Lindsay: Why you're goin' home? I'll close up.
Sidney: Don't forget to turn on the alarm.
[Sidney goes and she turns out the lights. One, two - she bumps into Sam.]
Lindsay: Oh my God! You scared me to death.
Sam: Good thing I came back from the can. You would've locked me in.
Lindsay: What are you doing here?
Sam: Well, I had an opening tonight, in case you forgot.
Lindsay: I didn't forget.
Sam: Well then, where the hell were you?
Lindsay: I had things to attend to!
Sam: Don't give me that sh1t! This is the most important night of your life!
Lindsay: Don't flatter yourself.
Sam: Your Aunt Minnie could have died and you wouldn't have missed it.
Lindsay: I don't have an Aunt Minnie.
Sam: Yeah? Well, I do. And believe me, if you knew her, that's all the more reason you would have been here. So why weren't you?
Lindsay: I already told you. Let me lock up so I can go home.
Sam: What's your rush? You just got here.
[He starts taking off her coat.]
Lindsay: What are you doing?
Sam: Responding to my senses. That's what an artist does.
Lindsay: Well, tell your senses to respond to this: Back off.
Sam: You sure?
Lindsay: Yes, I'm sure.
Sam: Well, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot of contradictory feelings going on here.
Lindsay: Oh, is that so?
Sam: Yeah. From the minute I met you, you wanted me to f*ck you.
Lindsay: Why, you smug, arrogant - I want you to leave. Now!
Sam: Sure. But you ain't fooling me, lady. And more important, you ain't fooling yourself, either.
Lindsay: Don't you dare tell me how I feel! You have no idea how I feel! And it isn't true what you said!
Sam: Liar, liar!
Lindsay: I have no feelings for you. I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian.
[He grabs her and kisses her.]
Sam: That's how!
[She grabs him. They f*ck upside a painting.]
[Back at Anthony's apartment after the lecture, he and his little adjunct are sharing a bottle of wine.]
Anthony: He was amazing! And to think I never would have heard of him if it hadn't been for your class.
Ben: Oh, I'm sure you would have discovered his work eventually.
Anthony: I thought the part where he talked about how being positive changed his life was particularly powerful, didn't you?
[He tries to pour Ben more wine - Ben puts a hand up.]
Ben: Oh, I'd better not.
Anthony: Oh, c'mon. You've gotta help me finish the bottle.
Ben: You know what? It constantly impresses and amazes me how we're confronted with the worst of circumstances we as gay men somehow manage to rise to the challenge.
Anthony: Like Edmund White. Like you.
[Now Anthony makes his move. He leans over and starts macking on Ben, who doesn't seem to hate it, but all in all, he'd probably rather be at the mall buying overpriced pants and eating greasy food.]
Ben: Anthony. If this is where all this has been leading, you've made a mistake.
Anthony: I don't think so.
Ben: I have a partner. We have a foster kid.
Anthony: I know. And I'm not asking for anything I can't have. All I want is this. From the moment I saw you, I've fantasized about you, admired you, wanted to be like you. That's why I want you to give me the gift.
Ben: What?
Anthony: I want you to be the one.
Ben: Anthony -
Anthony: Make me positive! Like you! It's gonna happen anyway. It's just a matter of time before it does.
Ben: Not if you're safe.
Anthony: Why be safe? All my friends who've converted say they feel liberated. Free. They don't have to worry about it anymore. It's over, done. And I want to be like them. Like you.
[He makes a move on Ben who gets up off the sofa.]
Ben: It's late, I have to get home.
[He gets his jacket and leaves.]
[Meanwhile, back at the loft, Justin brews Love Potion #9 for Brian.]
Justin: Here. Drink this.
Brian: Smells like yak sh1t.
Justin: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that was in it, too. It's a magic potion from a Chinese herbalist.
Brian: Will it make me small?
Justin: I'm hoping that it will make you large. Very, very large.
[Brian drinks it down like a good boy.]
Brian: That is disgusting.
Justin: Who cares, long as it works.
[They kiss.]
Justin: Do you feel anything?
Brian: If you're expecting my glasses to steam up, I hate to disappoint you.
Justin: It's supposed to rekindle the fire in your life gate.
Brian: My life gate.
Justin: I know it sounds ludicrous, but if it works, who gives a sh1t?
Brian: Yeah, well, maybe it can stop me thinking about what's no longer there. And that in its place is this piece of plastic. Or from picturing them from sucking a bloody, disease-ridden ball out of me. Or from feeling so shitty from having them burn me to a crisp from their raygun that all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in - only I'm too busy vomiting. Who knows? Maybe then I might even be able to get it up.
Justin: (comes up behind Brian and rubs his shoulders) There's gotta be something.
Brian: Well, whatever it is, it's not a cup of Lipton's.
[Lindsay, the Scarlet Woman, tiptoes stealthily into the bedroom, where Mel. Unsuspecting Melanie wakes up when Lindz creeps into bed.]
Mel: You're all wet. How was the opening?
Lindsay: It practically sold out.
Mel: That's great. Congratulations.
Lindsay: Thanks.
Mel: Now aren't you glad I made you go?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Debbie is in church, talking to God.]
Debbie: As you know, I don't come here a lot. I figure you've got enough on your hands without hearing from me. But this is important. It's about my brother Vic - Vic Grassi? He's gay which seems to bother some of the people you got working for you. But I say - considering what's been going on in your Church lately, they've got some helluva nerve judging others. I'm sure You have more love in Your heart than they do and that there's a special place in Heaven just for Vic. But keep an eye on him? Just in case. One more thing. Brian Kinney. No doubt You've heard of him. He wouldn't like me telling You this but - the biggest organ he's got is his heart. So please, God. Make him well. Please. I guess that's about it. Thanks for listening. Amen.
[She stuffs some money in the box and starts to leave. On the way out, she runs into a familiar face: Joan Kinney, coming in for her daily dose of hellfire and brimstone.]
Debbie: Joan? It's Debbie. Debbie Novotny?
Joan: Hello, Debbie. I'm surprised to see you here.
Debbie: As I was just saying, I don't stop by too often, but when the going gets tough, I still haul my ass back here like a good little Catholic girl.
Joan: Well, that's the blessing of suffering. It brings us closer to God.
Debbie: Well, that's one way of looking at it. Another way is to say to Him, "Could you cut it out already?"
Joan: I heard about your brother's passing. Please accept my condolences.
Debbie: Thank you.
Joan: I remember when I lost my sister. I felt like I had lost my best friend, my confidante, my witness.
Debbie: That about sums it up.
Joan: Well, at least we have our children. That's some comfort. Provided they're talking to us. Well. God bless.
Debbie: Joan - when's the last time you spoke to Brian?
Joan: It's been awhile.
Debbie: Well - you might want to give him a call.
Joan: I doubt he has anything to say to me.
Debbie: Well, there might be something you want to say to him.
[Ted and Emmett. They're at Ted's place. Ted checks a message on his cellphone.]
Ted: I got him!
Emmett: Got who?
Ted: Drew Boyd has agreed to be the new underwear model for Brown Athletics.
Emmett: That's wonderful, Teddy!
Ted: It's beyond wonderful. It's incredible, it's astonishing, it's - unbelievable!
Emmett: It's not that unbelievable. After all, they are paying him $1 million.
Ted: How do you know that?
Emmett: Well, they are, aren't they?
Ted: Yeah, but -
Emmett: So why are you so amazed?
Ted: Never mind.
Emmett: You know, I absolutely hate when you do that.
Ted: Do what?
Emmett: Start to say something and then say, "never mind!" Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is.
Ted: I never knew it irritated you so much, why didn't you tell me?
Emmett: Well, what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.
Ted: (sulking) I would not sulk.
Emmett: And then I'd have to spend the next ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so will you please just tell me what the f*ck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance?
Ted: I forgot what it is I wasn't gonna tell you.
Emmett: You weren't gonna tell me why it is so unbelievable that Drewsie - uh, Drew Boyd - said yes.
Ted: Right. Because I was sure that he would say no, that he would turn me down flat, and then I'd have to face Brian's wrath for being a wretched failure.
Emmett: But that's not what happened. He said yes.
Ted: And it's all because of you.
Emmett: Me?
Ted: Well, you're the one who suggested him, aren't you?
Emmett: Oh, yeah, suppose I did.
Ted: Although I must have been pretty damn impressive to convince a big-time jock like Drew Boyd to stand around in his shorts!
[And now a little closure for Ben and Anthony, when Ben checks out some books at the library.]
Anthony: I'm sorry about last night, Ben. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation.
Ben: It wasn't so much awkward as it was upsetting to learn that what you really wanted was for me to give you - "the gift."
Anthony: You were - and still are - my inspiration.
Ben: Then listen to me. You have no idea what it's really like to be positive. No book, no lecture could ever describe that so please believe me when I tell you that you don't want it. You don't. It's not what you think.
Anthony: Thanks for trying to talk me out of it, but it's too late. See, I went to a party last night.
Ben: What kind of party?
Anthony: It's called a conversion party. I had unprotected s*x with a dozen or so guys. It's not the way I would have preferred it. Hopefully it worked.
Ben: Anthony, for God's sake!
Anthony: They said I should know in a couple of weeks. The same time these books are due back.
[Looks like Joanie decided to take Debbie's advice. Brian is giving her a tour of Kinnetik.]
Joan: Your new office is very impressive. And I like the name, Kinnetik with two n's. It's very clever. I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Brian: Well, that makes two of us.
Joan: I saw that Debbie Novotny in church this morning.
Brian: What the hell was she doing there?
Joan: What most people do. Pray. She's quite a character.
Brian: Yeah, well, I'll drink to that.
Joan: I don't know how her poor son ever survived.
Brian: Maybe because she loved him.
Joan: And I love you. You may not believe that but it's true. That's why it hurts so much that I had to hear it from her and not from you. Why didn't you tell me?
Brian: The reason being?
Joan: So I could help you!
Brian: Well, I'm a big boy, Mom. I can dress myself.
Joan: I meant pray for you. Help you to see God's plan.
Brian: (with irony) God has a plan.
Joan: He spared you for a reason. Do you know why?
Brian: To torment you! I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering. Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload.
Joan: Brian. Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son. And that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire. Every time you engage in behavior that the Bible says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence.
Brian: Yeah, well, I wish I was engaging in it.
Joan: It brings tears to Jesus' eyes knowing that you've sinned. But only you can save yourself from God's punishment.
Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me?
Joan: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.
Brian: I can?
Joan: It won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. You'll have to be strong, harden yourself.
Brian: I want to be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard! Oh Lord, make me hard, so that I can f*ck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom! So that I can use the one ball I have left!
Joan: Shame! Shame on you!
[She flees in horror. Brian follows her out of his office, into the main office area and yells after her.]
Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in Hell, it's better than spending one good day in Heaven with you!
[Brian goes back into his office, then he suddenly realizes - he's got a hard-on.]
Brian: [looks above] Thank you!
[Emmett and Drew in bed, in a motel room.]
Emmett: So in this dream there is this gigantic billboard of you, Time Square like 40 story of building in your underwear.
Drew: Haven't I said I do a great posture?
Emmett: Anyway, you know I have this eccentricity about size. And your crotch goes from the sixteenth to twenty-third floor. The amazing this is the billboard comes to live. So I leave out under your shorts, pull them down and you have the humongest boner that exstance halfway across Time Square. So I claim out onto to give you a blowjob and when I hang out, doin' my thing and suck'n you. You huge and it's like an exploding jizz and I ride it and land safely in front of the Theater.
Drew: You a very weird guy.
Emmett: You know what that means? On one thing you're bigger than a life person.
Drew: Good.
Emmett: And I guess, I'm afraid that once the rest of the world sees you, I'll be just another face in the crowd.
[Drew kisses him.]
Emmett: What'd you do that for?
Drew: Cause I wanted to.
[Brian in a black wifebeater - prowling Babylon, looking for - Justin! He picks up Justin and whirls him around.]
Brian: Hey.
Justin: What's up?
Broan: Funny you should ask! (Turns around, arms raised) Is that not a thing of beauty?
Justin: And a joy forever!
[And ever, amen. They head for the backroom to celebrate.]
Justin: So that happy time tea actually worked?
Brian: Mmm...Unlikely.
Justin: Then whence the woody?
Brian: Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't wanna blow it, but you feel free to.
[And Justin assumes the familiar position.]
[Michael is reading a manuscript while Ben waits for the verdict.]
Ben: Well?
Michael: You sure you want my opinion after the last time?
Ben: I wouldn't have asked you to read it if I didn't.
Michael: OK. My honest opinion is... It's brilliant. I mean it. At first I was shocked and even disgusted that anyone would even want to be positive, but somehow by the end, I really felt sorry for the guy. That he could be that lost. And alone. It takes a pretty amazing writer to be able to pull that off.
[They hug and kiss.]
Ben: So how was the trip to the mall?
Michael: I splurged, I bought Hunter his jeans.
Ben: Ohhh...
Michael: And he got us something. A CD.
Ben: Not some rap crap.
Michael: Now, now, dear, mustn't criticize the younger generation's music.
[Michael puts on the CD and they begin dancing.]
Ben: [hear the first beats and laughs] Oh, Michael... Not bad.
[Music: Reo Speedwagon #Can't fight this feeling. A romantic love song.]
Reo Speedwagon # Can't fight this feeling I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, Has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show. I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
Michael: You know what part of your story I like best?
Ben: What?
Michael: The part where the gift giver decides not to sleep with the bug chaser and comes back to his partner.
[Cut to black screen.]
And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore, And throw away the oars, forever. Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. And if I have to crawl upon the floor, Come crushing through your door, Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore. My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. I've been running round in circles in my mind. And it always seems that I'm following you, girl, Cause you take me to the places, That I'd known I'd never find. And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. #


[The Nelson House - Emma's room.]
(Emma (a blond girl of about 12) is sitting at her computer with her best friend Manny (a brunette girl of about 12))
Emma: Read it again Manny.
Manny: Again? I've read it six times.
Emma: Just one more time. Please
Manny: Ok. "Emma, you saved my heart and my project. If we protect the wildlife refuge, I owe it all to you. Love you, Jordan."
Emma. Love you. Love you. (They both squeal) Let me see his picture again. (She scrolls down the screen on the computer and we see a cute brunette boy in several pictures) He gets cuter every time we see his face.
Manny: Is that possible?
Emma: Hey Manny. Don't wreck that. I want Caitlin to autograph it. (We see a magazine with a blond woman on the cover, who must be Caitlin)
[The Nelsons' House Downstairs]
(We see a photograph, which must be of Emma + her mom when Emma was little. The camera moves up and we see her mom put it in a box.)
Spike (Emma's mom's nickname): Emma! Ready to go?
Emma: Just a minute.
Spike: We don't have a minute. J.T.'s waiting for us.
(Emma minimizes her e-mail from Jordan. She is trying to close it. Her and Manny get nervous. Emma's mom enters the room.)
[Emma's Room]
Spike: Em, your room's a disaster. I thought you were going to clean it up.
Emma: I will.
Spike: And turn off that computer.
Emma: I was just showing Manny your reunion website.
(Emma brings up the reunion site. Spike takes the mouse and clicks on pictures of her and her classmates when they were at Degrassi.)
Spike: (stops on a picture of a girl) I always knew she'd made it big. (Keeps going and stops on a picture of herself with blond Mohawk hair) How's that for a hair-do? Could I have been any cooler?
Emma: Uh, yeah.
Spike: My ten year reunion. Wow. It's gonna be great seeing everyone again. I'm getting as bad as you guys. Come on, let's go (as she leaves, she takes the hat off Manny's head)
Manny: (to Spike) That's some pretty cool stuff you collected for the reunion.
Spike: Thanks. Emma now! (Emma gets up to leave and sees she has a new e-mail) Emma! (Emma leaves)
Theme song
[Degrassi Community School]
Spike: Thanks for dropping these off.
Manny: No problem Miss Nelson. Gives us a chance to see the school.
J.T.: Don't you think we'll be seeing enough of it over the next year?
Spike: You sure you can handle that?
J.T.: I'm smug, but strong. Like bull.
Emma: Speaking of bull...
Spike: Thanks again, guys. And Em...
Emma: Yes, I'll clean my room. She rushed me out of the house so fast, I didn't get a chance to read my new e-mail. I hope it's from Jordan. 'Cause in the last e-mail he told me that... (Walks away talking to Manny)
J.T.: Guys! Help!
[Inside Degrassi]
Manny: That sucks about the e-mail.
Emma: I know. But, Jordan e-mailed me last night too.
Manny: Really? What'd he say?
Emma: (closes her eyes) "I got over 6,000 names on my petition to keep the polar wildlife refuge untouched. Thanks for all your help with all this, Em, and your great idea. You're the best."
Manny: Wow.
Emma: I suggested the petition, but Jordan did all the work. He's so committed.
Manny: Too bad he lives in Yellowknife.
J.T.: Help! (He drops the boxes)
Emma: J.T.! (Emma + Manny run to help him)
(They start to pick stuff up. Emma picks up a photo of three guys, who were probably friends in a band.)
Emma: People in the 80s' were weird.
[Jeremiah Motors]
Joey: This car is retro meets modernism, Lucy. It's got the zing of the past with the technology of the future. It's even got that little bug vase that you put the flower in. It's like, Peace man, like a hippie.
Lucy: Joey, ideally I'd like a car that's bigger than my laptop. I've got to move to New Mexico in this thing.
Joey: This car is bigger than it looks, Lucy, trust me, okay? Why don't we take her for a spin, we'll drop your stuff off at Degrassi, and when we get back you'll be begging me to make a deal.
Lucy: Alright, alright. Tell me that's not Angela. (A little girl of about five walks up to them)
Joey: Yeah.
Lucy: Hey, cutie, you're practically a teenager.
Joey: Can you say, "Hi Lucy"?
Angela: Hi. (She waves)
Lucy: Hi. (She waves back)
Joey: She starts kindergarten next week, can you believe it? It's gonna be great. She really needs to be around other people.
Lucy: Speaking of needing other people, I checked the reunion website last night. You're not confirmed.
Joey: I know. I know.
Lucy: Joey, we're all really sorry your wife died, but, it's been a year. I think that Julia would be upset if she thought you were cutting yourself off from people.
Joey: Can we... uh... Why don't I go in, get the keys and we'll go out for a spin, okay? Angela, you wanna go for a spin? Yeah, we're gonna sell Lucy a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Goes inside with Angela)
[Degrassi]
Emma: I really hope you're Mr. Simpson.
Archie: I am. And you must be Emma. Wow. Wow. Wow. Spike found all of this stuff, it's amazing.
Manny: Spike?
Emma: My mom's nickname. Don't ask. (They put the Boxes down.)
Archie: (Takes the hat off J.T.) And I can see Fedora's are making a comeback. (Puts the hat on his head) Great. Thanks a lot guys. Uh, listen, go and enjoy your last few days of freedom.
J.T.: Spike? (Emma hits him) Ow! (They start to run)
Archie: Hey guys, no running! No running! No running! Okay, just keep running. Don't listen to me. Alright.
[Hallway]
(As they run, they hit the lockers. They stop running in front of the Media Immersion Lab.)
Emma: Holy...
Manny: Look at all the computers.
(Manny and J.T. start to walk away, but Emma stays.)
J.T.: Emma? Let's go. Oh, I see. Gonna e-mail Jordan from here?
Emma: Shut up!
J.T.: (mimicking Emma) Oh, he can read into my soul. (Emma punches him) Ow.
Mr. Raditich: And the jewel on the Degrassi crown, the Media Immersion Lab. Every computer here is connected to the internet via high speed telephone access.
Jeff: Oh, you see Toby? Didn't have that at your old school.
J.T.; Toby?
Toby: J.T.?
(J. T. goes up to Toby.)
J.T. and Toby: Mickey hickey wampum, Mickey hickey yeah, Mickey hickey wigwam, North Creek summer camp.
J.T.: Dude, what are you doing here?
Manny: I guess they're friends.
Toby: My dad moved in with his girlfriend and Degrassi was the closest school so...
Mr. R.: I think we'll let you two get reacquainted and your father and I will finish filling out the forms in my office.
Jeff: So, Toby, you gonna need a...
Toby: I'm gonna walk home, ok?
Jeff: Cool.
J.T.: Oh, sorry. Manny, Emma, this is Toby. We were at camp together.
Emma: No, really?
Toby: Nice to meet you
Emma: Yeah. Ok, the coast is finally clear. Manny, you're coming in with me.
Manny: No, no.
Emma: You two stand guard.
(Emma and Manny go inside the Media Immersion Lab so Emma can check her e-mail.)
Toby: So is your friend always like that?
J. T.: Always.
Toby: Really?
(Manny runs up to the door and scares them by hitting it.)
Toby: Kids.
[Another part of Degrassi]
(Archie is looking through photos.)
[Inside a black limo. A blond woman (Caitlin Ryan) is talking on her cell phone)]
Caitlin: Keith, I know you're really overworked right now. But this weekends really, really important to me. (As she talks they show her on a magazine, then her actually talking) Come on, it's just one weekend. I want to show you off. Show us off. Please? Yeah, that's perfect. Great. 5:00. Thanks babe. I love you too.
(She closes her cell phone. When she does, we see an engagement ring on her hand, which means, Keith is her fiancé.)
[Degrassi]
(Caitlin gets out of the limo and enters Degrassi.)
Caitlin: Thanks. (To the driver opening the car door)
Driver: You're welcome.
[Inside Degrassi]
Caitlin: Snake!
Archie: Caitlin. Oh my... (Drops his box he's carrying and gives her a hug) Wow. Hey. Oh wow, it's great to see you.
Caitlin: Likewise. So you're a teacher at Degrassi. Ok, here (gives him a headband)
Archie: Ok, now. This is your best memory of Degrassi?
Caitlin: What? So I went through a headband phase. Come on, it was the 80s'. You were there.
Archie: Speaking of the 80s'... how about this? Joey's fedora.
Caitlin: Ok. (Puts the hat on)
Archie: Nice. Nice. It suits you.
Caitlin: Where's the shirt?
Archie: I don't know. I think Joey's still wearing it, you know?
[Outside Degrassi]
Lucy: (Sees the limo) Oh, look at that. Why don't you sell a car like that, Jeremiah?
(Joey looks inside Degrassi. He sees her and she sees him. She walks slowly when she sees him. (You can tell that maybe they were once together))
[Media Immersion Lab]
Emma: Manny, would you calm down? If we're caught, I'll say I forced you.
Manny: Ha, ha. What? What'd he say?
Emma: Manny, Jordan's coming here. And he wants to meet me. Tomorrow.
[Degrassi entrance]
Caitlin: So what's your dinosaur's name?
Angela: Ally.
Caitlin: Ally?
Joey: So you're getting married. Congratulations.
Lucy: Yeah. When's the big day?
Caitlin: Sometime next year. And we haven't narrowed it down yet, but, um, you are all invited.
Archie: Great. So when do we actually get to meet Keith?
Caitlin: He's on an afternoon flight from L.A. He's dying to meet you guys.
Joey: L.A. Is he in show business?
Caitlin: He's a director.
Joey: I always knew you'd meet the guy.
Caitlin: Well, I guess, um, I should probably go. Uh, check into my hotel. Uh, but, Joey, the reunion. You really not gonna go?
Joey: No, I'm not.
Caitlin: Well, then at least come out for drinks with us tonight.
Joey: I, uh...
Lucy: You know what? He'd love to. We'll both be there.
Caitlin: Great. So I'll see you guys later then. (Mr. Simpson takes the hat off her as she leaves)
Lucy: By Caitlin.
[Playground.]
(Emma and Manny are on a tire swing.)
Emma: I want to meet him. It's just I told him I was in high school.
Manny: You almost are. Jordan's coming here. You have to meet him. It's fate.
Toby: Who's Jordan?
J.T.: Some creep Emma met on the 'Net. I bet he lives in Scarbrough + works in a video store. I bet he's 40 and drools.
Emma: You still wet the bed and I'm friends with you.
J.T.: Ha ha ha.
Toby: Ok. If you're meeting a stranger you met off of the 'Net, that could be really dangerous.
Emma: He's not a stranger. He e-mailed me his picture. I've known Jordan a lot longer than I've known you.
Manny: Guys, it's cool. Jordan's 16. He's coming here on a school trip.
J.T.: School trip? It's summer.
Emma: He organized it back in the spring. He got to go at the last minute. Stop making it into something it's not.
(They start spraying each other with water guns.)
[The Nelson's House - Emma house]
(Spike and Caitlin are looking at the reunion website.)
Caitlin: Oh my god. Wait. Wait. Go back. I wanna see that one again. Don't try and speed past that one.
Spike: (looking at Caitlin's engagement ring) I can't wait to meet Keith. He's got great taste in jewelry. That's a good sign.
Caitlin: Well, thank you. Um, actually, I picked it out myself. 'Cause, he, you know, was so busy with pre-production and all that kind of stuff, he just gave me his card and said, "Go crazy."
Spike: Can't complain about crazy.
(Emma enters with a sandwich and drink.)
Emma: Why are you on my computer?
Spike: Excuse me, our computer.
Emma: You're on the reunion site again? Next time can we try asking before trespassing?
Spike: Next time can we be more polite to our guest? Em...
Emma: Caitlin Ryan. Ryan's Planet! Birth date: March 2nd 1972. You're a Pisces right?
Spike: And you're a stalker.
Emma: I can't believe you're actually here, in my really messy room.
Caitlin: Don't worry about it. Oh my god, it's great to see you. All grown up.
Spike: She wishes. So... expecting an e-mail from your boyfriend?
Emma: Did you...you hacked my e-mail? Haven't you ever heard of privacy?
Spike: Relax, I couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. But I can tell when my daughter's getting interested in boys.
Emma: Mom. I'm not having s*x.
Spike: I'm gonna have fun this weekend right?
Caitlin: I promise. (They leave) Bye.
(Emma closes the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Emma's room - Later]
Emma: Ok. We've gone through all the e-mail. No video store. No mention of missing teeth.
Manny: J.T.'s just worried about you.
Emma: J.T.'s just immature.
Manny: That Toby guy seems okay.
Emma: He's fine, I guess. Yeah. Girls are so much more mature than boys. That's why I like Jordan. I've never had a boyfriend so smart, so thoughtful.
Manny: Em, you've never had a boyfriend.
Emma: I know.
Manny: Maybe...
Emma: What?
Manny: What Toby said, about meeting strangers on the 'Net, Being dangerous...
Emma: Manny I can take care of myself. You don't need to worry so much. We'll meet somewhere in public.
Manny: Maybe you should just talk to your mom. She's cool. She'd understand.
Emma: She's not that cool. Are you saying you don't think I should meet Jordan?
Manny: Hey!
[A Bar]
Keith: Teaching. It's so noble. You know, giving back, etc. Actually, I'm, uh, working on a script about you guys, kind of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing. (Phone rings) Just a second. Let me take this. (On phone) Yo, Frankie. Yeah. No, I'm in Toronto. No, I haven't seen any eskimos yet. Uh...
Lucy: Caitlin, I watch your show every week. The situations you get yourself into, you're amazingly brave.
Caitlin: Brave? So what about you?
Lucy: What about me?
Joey: Come on, don't be so modest. 2 years of physical therapy. Followed by an honors BA and a masters in anthropology?
Spike: A Ph. D in one more year?
Lucy: Guys, it's not brave.
Caitlin: Oh, yeah, you're right. It's just brilliant, awesome, and amazing.
Lucy: It's not even awesome, it's just life. I survived the accident. I got off easy.
Archie: Sorta like Wheels. Kills a kid. 10 years later, scot-free.
Joey: (on TV) Hey! We got white ones. We got red ones We got big ones and we got small ones. I'm gonna give you a bumper to bumper warranty. That's right. At Jeremiah motors, if you find a lower price anywhere else, I'll give you the shirt off my back (takes off his shirt)
Lucy: Joey! That's awful!
Joey: I needed a commercial, I made a commercial.
Keith: Right on, man. And it makes or breaks a business. Just, just one more second. Frankie, listen, listen to me. They're from a major. You're not going to sign the deal on some low rent pancake house. Fix it, ok? (Hangs up phone) But, uh, Joey, next time, hire a real actor. You know, avoid this sifty used cars salesman vibe. I mean, that's what I would do.
Joey: No, thank you, Keith.
Keith: No problem. That's what they pay me the big bucks for.
Archie: It's funny, it's classic, it's...
Everyone else: It's Joey!
Caitlin: Keith, if you had seen Joey in high school, total ham, the whole way through. I think it's great, despite everything you've been through, you're still the same old Joey.
Joey: Actually, uh, I have changed. And so have you. Excuse me.
Keith: So....
[Joey drinking at the bar.]
(Archie comes up to him.)
Archie: (To Bartender) Can we have two more of those? Thanks. Joey, were you over there right now?
Joey: Yeah I know. I'm just waiting for my cab.
Archie: What's going on here?
Joey: Nothing's going on. I just knew this was a bad idea so I'm going home.
Archie: Oh, Joey, come on.
Joey: Snake, get off my back please. Don't start.
Archie: Cutting out the rest of the world isn't going to bring her back. You know that, right?
Joey: Will you save the psycho 101 crap for your students? I'm not a child. I don't need you or anyone else telling me how to live my life.
Archie: Joey, we're your friends. We're worried about you.
Joey: All I get is people feeling sorry for me. Why do you think I don't wanna go tomorrow night? It just makes me feel worse.
Archie: So this has nothing to do with Caitlin?
Joey: No! No it doesn't, all right? All right, I don't like her boyfriend.
Archie: Fiancée.
Joey: Whatever. And I don't like the fact she feels sorry for me. But, I'm fine. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to save me.
Archie: You know what? I'd look and see who feels sorry for who right now.
(Archie finishes his drink and goes back to the table, leaving Joey alone. Joey looks at them, then looks away.)
[The Nelsons' House]
(Emma is asleep. Lucy, Spike, and Caitlin come in, singing a song.)
Girls: ...everybody wants something they'll never give up. Everybody wants something that'll take you money and never give up. (A song)
Lucy: We still know the words. God help us.
Spike: Who wants a glass of champagne?
Lucy: I do.
Caitlin: Hey, can we spike your hair now? Oh, come on, 80s' are back. Besides, the Go-Go's have reunited. Come on. (While their talking, Emma is coming downstairs)
Spike: Emma, we woke you up.
Caitlin: Sorry, Em.
Spike: We promised to be quiet. Ladies bubbly?
Caitlin: Just one glass though. Keith's waiting for me back at the hotel. Hey, Emma. How are you? It's so good to see you.
Emma: Caitlin, can I ask you something?
Caitlin: Sure. Let me guess... your boyfriend?
Emma: My friends don't think I should be with him.
Caitlin: Well, what do you think? I mean, do you like him?
Emma: Yeah, we get along so great. Sometimes, it's like he can read into my soul.
Caitlin: Well, sometimes you just have to take a chance. Go for it. Even if your friends don't think it's right.
Emma: Like what you do for the environment?
Caitlin: Yeah, exactly. If my family had their way, I'd be working in an office right now. Somewhere on Bay Street. Oh, what an awful thought. So, is he cute? Come on, I want details. Details, details.
[The kitchen.]
Lucy: Hey, Spike, what do you think of Keith?
Spike: Caitlin could do a lot better. (Lucy puts the hat on) Ooh, nice.
[The stairs (Spike is listening to Caitlin and Emma talk)]
Emma: But, how do you know? I mean, when it's one of those times?
Caitlin: Well, you know in here. (Meaning, your heart.) And it's usually right.
(Spike comes up to them.)
Spike: Oops. Bonding moment?
Caitlin: Oh, no. No. Just boring Emma with tales of my environmental crusades.
Emma: What you said....wow.
Spike: Honey, do you wanna join us for a minute?
Emma: No, I'm tired.
Caitlin: Good night.
Spike: 'Night, Em. So... what were you talking about?
Caitlin: Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, she's so young.
Lucy: Oh, and you're so old.
Caitlin: What? I'm practically 30.
Lucy: I refuse to have biological clock. Honestly, I don't even feel it.
Spike: I wouldn't mind going out on a date.
Caitlin: Oh my god that's the best thing about Keith. No more flirting with men in sandals over organic food and environmental chit chat.
Lucy: Poor Caitlin. So many vegans, so little time.
[Emma's bedroom. She is her computer, writing Jordan an e-mail that she wants to meet him. (It says: "Dear Jordan, I am totally into meet tomorrow" - Emma]
Emma: Sometimes you just... (Sends him the e-mail) go for it.