[What happened in the previous episode.]
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Aria: It's too hard to sit in this room every day and call you Mr. Fitz. Okay, I can't pretend like I don't know you.
Hanna: I'm really sorry, mom.
Ashley: For what?
Hanna: The cop.
Spencer: We're meeting Melissa's fiancé.
Wren: Does she have to know everything?
Spencer: Stop, stop. We can't.
Wilden: This is no longer a missing person's investigation. It's a murder.
Hanna: Is this waiting thing something you really want, or is it because of your dad?
Sean: No, it's me. It's... It's my choice.
Maya: So, I'm corrupting you.
Ben: What are you so weirded out about?
Emily: I think there's something wrong with me.
Pam: You lost a dear friend. You need to find a way to say good-bye.
[In the woods]
Hanna: Whose idea was this, again?
Spencer: Emily's mom.
Emily: The shed was me. My mom just said we should do something for us.
Hanna: Well, couldn't we do something without mosquitoes?
Aria: They're not mosquitoes, they're gnats.
Hanna: Whatever! They're small and annoying, and they're flying up my nose.
Spencer: Well, they're attracted to your perfume. And your hair product. And your lip gloss.
Hanna: So, what are you saying, I attract flies?
Aria: Gnats.
Emily: Why do I feel like this is the wrong way?
Spencer: No, this is it. I remember that tree. It's the halfway point. There's 136 steps left to the shed.
Emily: Have you been out here since... Alison?
Spencer: Me? No. No way.
Aria: But you remember that tree.
Hanna: You guys, it's not that weird. I mean, we came out here in eighth grade like, every day... even after.
Spencer: I think this is totally the wrong place to do this. Whatever you call it.. shrine.
Emily: It's not a shrine. It's just a place to remember Alison. What's wrong with that?
Spencer: Doing it way out here makes it look like we have something to hide.
Emily: You're worried what other people think?
Spencer: Well, aren't you? Do you really want to give that creepy Detective more reasons to question us?
Emily: Hanna, why are you so quiet?
Hanna: I'm trying to keep the bugs in my nose and out of my mouth.
Emily: You're allowed to have an opinion on this.
Hanna: You want my opinion? I say we hold off and not remember her 'til we know for sure she's not still here.
Everybody: What?
Aria: What are you talking about?
Emily: You think she's still alive?
Spencer: Hanna, they found her body.
Aria: Stop. I'm officially scared. Can we just not...
Hanna: You know, you asked for my opinion. I don't believe she's really gone.
Spencer: We went to her funeral!
Ashley: Yeah, and when we left we all got a text from her.
Emily: It wasn't her. Someone is messing with us.
Hanna: How do you know? And what about all those nasty messages? I mean, how does this "A"person know stuff only Ali knew?
Aria: Okay, this conversation is giving me a hive.
Hanna: That's a bite. Mosquito.
Emily: Spencer, have you gotten any more messages?
Spencer: Haven't you?
Branches rustling
Emily: What was that? Did you hear that?
Aria: Yes, I heard that. I'm standing right next to you.
Hanna: Hello? Is anybody out there?
Spencer: It's probably a rabbit.
Hanna: Hello?
Spencer: It's a rabbit, Hanna. It's not gonna answer you.
Emily: Can we just get to the shed?
More branches rustling
Hanna: Okay, that is definitely not a rabbit. Someone's out there.
Emily: Let's turn around.
The girls' cellphones ring
[Opening credits]
[In Hanna's kitchen]
Wilden: Morning.
Hanna: Where's my mother?
Wilden: I guess she ran upstairs for somethin'. I'm trying to figure out what makes this stuff spreadable. You want a waffle or somethin'?
Hanna: No. Thanks.
Wilden: There she is. It's canola oil!
Ashley: Darren, why don't you get dressed? I'll take care of breakfast.
Wilden: Yeah.
Hanna: So what, he lives here now?
Ashley: Take out the milk.
Hanna: Is this a permanent thing?
Ashley: Would you keep your voice down, please?
Hanna: God, it was one pair of sunglasses, and they were last season's.
Ashley: Hand me the waffles.
Hanna: Mom, you don't have to do this.
Ashley: Do what?
Hanna: Squeeze his grapefruit.
Ashley: We will talk after breakfast.
Hanna: I don't eat breakfast, and neither do you.
Ashley: Look. Until he gets the store to drop the charges for your shopping spree, we're not kicking anyone to the curb. The last thing we want is an enemy on the police force.
Hanna: I get it, okay? But I didn't count on having to buy him a father's day card, either.
Ashley: Hanna! The situation is delicate. By the way, if you're buying anyone a card, it should be me.
[At a restaurant]
Byron: Well, you're pretty far into it.
Aria: Yeah, I've got, like, 60-some pages left, and I don't want it to end.
Byron: You should read her biography next.
Ella: The father-worship thing becomes a lot clearer.
Aria: Well, I would worship both of you a lot more... if you got me another one of these.
Ella: Uh, the poppy seed? We'll split it. Make sure your father doesn't drink all my coffee, please.
Byron: Do you like your teacher?
Aria: What?
Byron: Your English teacher. Do you like him?
Aria: Oh! Yeah. Uh, he's okay.
Byron: What's his name again?
Aria: Mr. Fitz. Hey, maybe I'll... I'll check out that biography at school. What's it called?
Byron: I've got a copy of it in my office. I'll bring it home. It might inspire you.
Aria: To what, write a novel?
Byron: You've got it in you.
Meredith: Byron?
Byron: Hey! Hi. How you doing?
Meredith: Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Byron: No, no, no, that's okay.
[Flashback in the street where Aria sees his father kissing Meredith]
[Back at the table]
Byron: Uh... Um, Aria this is, uh, Meredith Sorenson. She also teaches in the department, uh, my department, and this is Aria, my daughter.
Meredith: Oh, Aria! Hi. Of course you are. Did you get my message?
Byron: Yes I did, and I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call you back.
Meredith: That's okay, they just need he referral by Monday, and...
Byron: I'll get to it as soon as I get back to campus. Is there an e-mail, or...
Meredith: Here. So, how does it feel to be home? This town must seem a little dull after spending a whole year overseas.
Aria: Not really.
Byron: Okay, well, I'll, uh... I'll send that before lunch.
Meredith: Thanks. I'm so glad I ran into you. Nice to meet you. Welcome home.
Meredith leaves
Aria: Why can't she graduate?
Byron: She has. I told you. She's now a teaching assistant. Not mine, but her office is across the hall. I can't pretend like she doesn't exist, Aria. It's a small college.
Aria: Mm, not small enough.
[In the Hastings' kitchen]
Veronica: You can't avoid seeing people, sweetie. It is what it is.
Melissa: And what's that... Sad? Humiliating? Pathetic? All of the above? Just... take someone else. I don't want to have to explain a wedding that's never gonna happen to every last club member.
Spencer: Morning.
Veronica: Hey.
Melissa: Excuse me.
Melissa throws wedding magazines in the trash
Spencer: Where's Dad?
Veronica: He left for the office.
Spencer: Already? So he ran without me? Why didn't he just knock on my door?
Veronica: He was busy. He was helping Melissa dispose of some things that... Wren left behind.
Melisssa: Unfortunately, you weren't one of them.
Spencer: How many times am I going to have to say it?
Veronica: Oh, girls, please! I can't arbitrate on one cup of coffee.
Melissa: Who's calling the paper to pull the announcement? It was hard enough changing my status on Facebook!
Veronica: I'll take care of the newspaper.
Melissa: What about the engagement dinner? Do I have to make that call?
Veronica: No, honey, of course not. Just look up the number and I'll leave a message. To Spencer Where are you going?
Spencer: I'll eat in my bedroom.
Veronica: Oh, no, you won't. I just dry-cleaned your bedspread. Sit at the table.
Spencer: I don't think I'm welcome.
Melissa: That's never stopped you before.
Spencer: I did not invite your fiancé to kiss me Melissa. For the last time, he made the move on me!
Veronica: Spencer, please.
Melissa: Right, you just sat there like a throw pillow with your tongue down his throat!
Spencer: Look, I get it! You're upset and I feel for you, but don't dump it all on me. Maybe you should be asking yourself why Wren felt the need to... I'm sorry. Okay? I'm not perfect, but I don't want to be accused of something that I didn't do!
Veronica: Oh, stop please. Both of you! Go get dressed for school. You can take your muffin to go.
[In the street]
Mona: Ah! Totally love this color. We should've stocked up on a few more tubes.
Hanna: Well, I only have two hands. Keep it.
Mona: Why, is your mom asking to see receipts?
Sean: It's hilarious.
Hanna: Sean! What's so funny?
Sean: Nothin'. Noel's just out of control. Mm, you smell good.
Noel: Save something for tomorrow night.
Mona: What's tomorrow night?
Sean: Noel's parents are leaving town.
Noel: It means the party of the year is officially on. Think big, think wild, think parental units in a different time zone.
Sean: I gotta get to practice. Save that smell.
Noel and Sean leave
Mona: So, the pressure's on.
Hanna: What do you mean?
Mona: Not all of us have a Sean to wear to that party, and I'm not gonna spend the night guarding the bushes so you can jump each other's bones.
Hanna: Okay, we're not gonna be doing it in the bushes.
Mona: Whatever. Have you guys even done it yet?
Hanna: It's not a race, Mona.
Mona: Okay mom, seriously. No one's pushing you to be natty ho, but you guys have been going out for months. If you're not together in that way, how do you know you're together-together? How long can you wait before you lose him?
[Near Hanna and Mona were]
Maya: I was going to offer you a ride, but your bike's faster than my car.
Emily: I passed you? I didn't even see you.
Maya: I saw you. You took that corner on one wheel.
Ben: Got ya!
Emily: Ben, stop.
Ben: Fine. I can wait one more day. Well, you guys heard, right? Noel's doing his cabin party tomorrow night.
Maya: Is this one of Rosewood's pagan rituals?
Ben: Kinda. There was definitely some howling last year.
Emily: Why don't you come with us? Please, come. It'll be fun.
[In the corridors of the high school]
Ezra: Good morning.
Aria: Hi.
Ezra enters his classroom
Aria: Russian history?
Spencer: Yeah.
Aria: How many AP classes does it take until your brain explodes?
Spencer: I'm already drowning in there.
Aria: Why, what's drowning for you, B+?
Spencer: First paper's due Monday, and I've written two words. My name.
Aria: Well, what's going on? Hey, you're not still freaked out about what happened in the woods yesterday, are you? Look, we do not have to do this thing for Ali until we figure...
Spencer: No, it's not just that. It's... It's everything. Is there any chance your family wants to adopt me?
Toby & Jenna walk in front of them
Emily has a flashback - Toby's carrying Jenna.
Maya: Who is that?
Emily: Toby Cavanaugh.
Maya: Who's he?
Emily: He's, uh, an older kid who used to go here and got sent away to a reform school or something.
Maya: Why?
Emily: He had a... He set fire to a garage, and his stepsister... she was in it.
Maya: Should I be scared?
Emily: What? No.
Maya: See you later.
Emily: Bye.
Aria: He's back, too? When did that happen?
Hanna: Maybe she needs help sending radioactive e-mails.
Spencer: Yeah, or he may be sending a few of his own.
Wilden: Hanna.
Aria: Cops on campus too.
Wilden: I just spoke with your principal, asked him if we could have a chat.
Hanna: No, I have to get to class.
Wilden: Don't worry. You've been excused. Let's go.
Hanna & Wilden leave
Aria: What is going on? Why just her?
Emily: Probably thinks she's the easiest to crack.
Spencer: She is.
Jenna: Whisper, whisper, whisper. Almost feels like Alison's still here.
Flashback in which we see the barn burning and the girls running
[In Wilden's office]
Wilden: I keep coming back to this ninth grade shaft, of you and Alison on the steps.
Hanna: What about it?
Wilden: Well, you made a lot of changes between ninth and tenth grade. Lost some weight, started styling your hair like Alison's.
Hanna: Is that a crime?
Wilden: No, just an observation.
Hanna: No, she helped me make those changes.
Wilden: Did she, really? Did she ever regret it? Start seeing you as her competition?
Hanna: Nobody competed with Alison. You'd be stupid to even try.
Wilden: Why?
[Flashback at the restaurant of the high school probably]
Ali: Ask him. You'll never know unless you ask. Now.
Hanna: Um, Sean? Did you hear about the party at Noel kahn's?
Sean: I heard.
Hanna: I don't know. I was thinking about going, so I'm just wondering if you want to go too, with me.
Ali: Everybody's going. She's going, I'm going. Why aren't you?
Sean: Oh, yeah, no, I guess I am.
[Back in the office]
Wilden: What about this guy ? Did she ever talk about him?
Hanna: What?
Wilden: Stay with me, Hanna. It's important.
Hanna: Why? What's the point?
Wilden: The point is I'm trying to flesh out the details of that summer.
Hanna: So you can ask me how much weight I lost? By making it look like hefty Hanna wanted Alison dead so I could replace her?
Wilden: I'm not questioning you as a suspect, Hanna. We're just having a chat. Besides, one can't underestimate how much the past informs the present.
Hanna: Really. So, you're still that same party boy you were in the class of '96? Did you call me down here to do keg stands?
Wilden: Wow, looks like somebody's been doing their own homework.
Hanna: I like to know who's joining us for breakfast. And, by the way, my tenth-grade picture isn't even in that yearbook. I had mono and missed the deadline. Now, my makeup picture is in my living room, which you must've seen while you were wearing a towel. Is that how the police build their cases these days?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[In the corridors of the high school]
Spencer: What are you doing? Is that a new phone?
Aria: Yeah, I'm checking my Kin. I'll just write on Hanna's wall from here.
Emily: If she's not answering texts, what makes you think she's checking Facebook?
Aria: It's worth a try.
Hanna: What's going on?
Aria: We've been trying to get ahold of you. What happened in there?
Hanna: Nothing, just the same old stupid questions.
Spencer: You were in there for an hour, Hanna. What else did he ask?
Hanna: Nothing. He just took a couple calls, and I just sat there, waiting for him to shut up.
Aria: Well, is he gonna question all of us alone now?
Hanna: Who knows? Look, let's do this at lunch, okay? I have to hit the ladies' before my next class.
Spencer: Is she being weird?
Emily: She's being weird. I'll see you guys at lunch.
Spencer: Bye.
[In Ezra's classroom]
Aria: Hey.
Ezra: Hey. Are you here to ask about the homework assignment?
Aria: Do you have plans this weekend?
Ezra: I'm thinking we should talk about the homework assignment.
Aria: So you do have plans.
Ezra: I don't.
Aria: Okay, well, there's... This opening at the gallery where my mom works, and I promised I'd help out, so if you're free...
Ezra: Do you think that's wise, hanging with you and your folks, a parent-teacher conference over free wine?
Aria: Okay, fine. It's a bad idea. What... if we met up afterwards? I could tell them I'm going to Noel kahn's party.
Ezra: Maybe you should. Go to the party.
Aria: Why... would I want to do that?
Ezra: So your classmates don't suspect you've lost interest in your peers.
Aria: Too late. Ezra, I want... Oh.
A woman enters
Mrs Welch: Ezra.. Oh, Sorry. Excuse me.
Ezra: No, it's fine. Come in, Mrs. Welch. Um. So, are we clear about the homework assignment?
Aria: Yes, totally. If I have any questions, I'll reach out to you.
Ezra: Great.
Aria: Thank you, Mr. Fitz.
[In front of Wren's "squat"]
Wren: Did your sister send you here?
Spencer: God, no. She has no idea I even called you. Things were never great between us, but... now it's like the hurt locker. It just gets worse every day.
Wren: I'm sorry to hear that.
Spencer: So, you're living here now?
Wren: Squatting. It's not exactly the Hastings manor, but I have a whole sofa to myself.
Spencer: Wren, I need your help.
Wren: We only have the one sofa. Can you sleep on a ping-pong table?
Spencer: Look, I need you to tell them what really happened.
Wren: I tried. They won't return my phone calls.
Spencer: I know I'm not completely innocent in all of this. I've done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of, but... not that night. I never wanted you guys to break up.
Wren: I don't think it would matter what I said. Once your parents decide how they're gonna think of someone, it's royal decree. You're brilliant, you're rubbish. There's very little in between.
Spencer: Could you at least try my dad again?
Wren: Spencer, put your efforts elsewhere. My guess is that your jail sentence will be commuted the moment you score a winning point or ace a test.
Spencer: This might not be that simple.
Wren: Give it time. Look, I know I made a bloody mess of it, and I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of it. But perhaps my real mistake was falling for the wrong sister.
Spencer: Um, I should go. It's just the 4:00 train, and I have this huge paper to write that's due Monday.
Wren: You gotta get back to that wretched place called home, right.
[In the girls' locker room of the high school]
Emily: Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Hello?
Ben appears
Oh, God!
Ben: Damn! You're jumpy.
Emily: How did you get in here?
Ben: Walked.
Emily: Yeah, well, if somebody catches you...
Ben: I'll take my chances. Besides, we need some alone time.
Emily: I... need to get dressed.
Ben: Don't bother.
Emily: I can't do this now. My mom's expecting me.
Ben: What's up, Em? Last week you were all over me in my car. This week I'm some marching band geek with funyun breath. What's going on?
Emily: Nothing. I've just... got a lot on my mind, okay?
Ben: All right. Maybe you need to relax.
Emily: Ben, I can't do this right now.
Ben: What?
Emily: Seriously, stop it. Hey, you're acting strange. Ben, get off me! Get off! Stop it!
Toby comes in, and fights with Ben
That's enough! Okay? Stop.
Ben: Is this creep a friend of yours? Is he the reason you're acting like this?
Emily: Ben, get over yourself, okay?
Ben: Get over myself?
Emily: It's done. We're over.
[Ella's office]
Ella: The owner refuses to use a computer, which is only mildly irritating, because half of these contacts died during the Reagan administration. That was fast. This is my daughter, Aria. Also known as my savior, because when I got here, there were about three cups. Thank you, my dear. Uh, this is Meredith. She works with your dad.
Meredith: We've met, actually. Nice to see you.
Ella: Meredith just wandered in. She's looking for somebody who shows alternative art.
Meredith: And your mother's been very helpful. Thank you so much, Ella.
Ella: Oh, you're welcome. So, we'll see you tonight?
Meredith: Mm-hmm.
Ella: Okay.
Aria: Tonight?
Ella: Yeah, I invited her to the opening, which may be a success now that we don't have to eat Cobb salad with our fingers. Thank you. I'll see you later.
Meredith: For Sure. Bye-bye.
Aria: You can't come tonight.
Meredith: Why not?
Aria: You know why not, and so do I... But my mom doesn't.
Meredith: I don't know what you're talking about.
Aria: Look, I saw the way you were looking at my dad yesterday. I have eyes, so just find someone who's available. My dad isn't.
[The Marins' kitchen]
Ashley: How are you getting home? If there's any drinking, I will pick you up.
Wilden: Or I could take you, if you don't mind riding in the squad car. I wouldn't use the cuffs.
Hanna: I'll be fine, thanks.
Hanna leaves
Wilden: What? It was a joke.
Ashley: So, have you heard from the store? Are they prosecuting or... or not?
Wilden: No, I haven't heard, but I have a call into them, so...
Wilden takes a bracelet in Hanna's bag
Ashley: What are you doing?
Wilden: Where have I seen this before? It's nice. Is that from you?
Ashley: Alison gave it to her.
Wilden: That's right. She mentioned that at school today.
Ashley: Why were you at her school?
Wilden: I was interviewing Hanna again. That's my day job.
Ashley: Why was my kid being questioned a second time?
Wilden: Because she's close to the victim, and because kids keep secrets.
Ashley: Not mine. And if you're thinking she knows more than she's letting on, you're out of line. Sticky fingers is a long way off from what you're talking about.
Wilden: Okay, easy mama bear. It's just a routine investigation.
Ashley: Well, then you're gonna need a search warrant to go through her purse.
Wilden: So, can I help with dinner?
Ashley: Yeah.
She gives him the pizza
Have it someplace else. Breakfast, too.
[At Noel's]
Maya: Come on, lighten up.
Emily: I should've stayed home.
Maya: Why, 'cause you broke up with somebody? What are you supposed to do, spend the rest of the school year hiding under your bed?
Emily: There he is.
Maya: Did you do that to his face? Damn. It's a good color on him.
Hanna: Hey, Em.
Sean: Yo, what just happened?
Ben: So, you decided to come after all.
Emily: Yeah, I did. Just not with you.
[In the Hastings' kitchen]
Spencer transfers Melissa's homework on her laptop and puts her name where Melissa's one was written.
Veronica enters, Melissa follows
Spencer: Hey. Hi, how was the club?
Veronica: Chilly. Nobody who works there can figure out a thermostat. Did you eat?
Spencer: Yeah, I made some pasta if you're hungry.
Melissa: I'm not eating pasta. I don't need to be depressed and fat.
Veronica: Good point. I'll make a salad. Let me get out of these clothes.
She leaves
Melissa: Wren called. He told me you went into the city yesterday to meet him. It was strange. At first I wasn't sure why he was telling me this,
but then I realized he's still trying to cover his tracks and yours. Like I'm supposed to believe you took a train down there just to clear your name? You two deserve each other. I thought I was pathetic.
[Noel's party]
Sean: Ooh! Damn. Did you see that?
Hanna: Awesome. Look, can this be your last game?
Mona: Whatever. Have you guys...? Seriously.
Hanna: I'll be right back.
[Outside]
Aria: He tackled Ben? What was Toby even doing in the girls' locker room?
Spencer: Why are you shocked? Toby's a perv. We caught him peeping through the windows, watching us undress.
Emily: Alison's the one who saw him do that. We never did.
Hanna: What's up?
Aria: Toby Cavanaugh got into a fight with Ben over Emily.
Emily: It wasn't over me. God. Look, he just... saved me.
Spencer: For what, himself?
Hanna: Ew.
Aria: If we hadn't asked you about Ben, would you have told us about this?
Spencer: Toby is not a good guy, Emily. He could be seriously dangerous.
Emily: If he's such a bad guy, why'd he take the fall for us?
Aria: Is this another secret? Do you know something that we don't?
Hanna: Guys, why don't we just, like chill, and talk about this somewhere else? When we're alone.
Aria: I... don't even know what "just us" means anymore.
Hanna: Yeah, uh... Let's talk about it tomorrow, okay? Are we still meeting up at the shed?
She leaves
Aria: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not?
Emily: Where are you going?
Aria: The gallery. I promised my mom.
She leaves and Maya comes to Emily & Spencer
Maya: Have you checked out the photobooth they've got in there?
Emily: No. Show me the booth.
[Flashback, in front of Toby's -probably-]
Ali (to Toby): I'll make sure everybody knows! (To Spencer) Didn't I tell you to stay over there, and let me take care of this? What did you hear?
Spencer: Nothing. Nothing.
Emily: What's going on? What happened to Jenna?
Ali: It's done. We were never here. Let's go.
Hanna: But...
Ali: But what?
Hanna: What if we said it was an accident?
Ali: No, we're not telling anybody anything. Damn it, Hanna. Don't make me sorry I ever included you in the first place. I have gone out of my way to bring your big, wannabe butt into this group. You better keep your mouth shut, unless you want to go back to spending your weekends alone, dance dance revolution and a jumbo bag of chips.
Aria: Ali, stop it! Just leave her alone.
Ali: I'm sorry, Hanna. I didn't mean that. I'm just freaked out, guys. This is bad. Really bad. I never would've done it if I thought someone was in there. I just... I don't know what's gonna happen... to us. Can we just go? Come on.
[Back at the party]
Sean: What made you come up here?
Hanna: I had some time to kill while you were foosballing.
Sean: Hey, I was on a roll!
Hanna: I thought you liked contact sports.
[In the photobooth]
Emily: Ready?
Maya: Wait. I gotta prepare. If this comes out decent, I'm gonna cut mine out and replace the one on my driver's license.
Emily: Yeah, they're always scary.
Maya: No, I skipped scary. I went straight to snooki.
Emily: Can I see it? Come on, I'll show you mine. It's probably worse.
Maya: No way. What could be wrong with yours? You're crazy beautiful.
Emily: Uh, which button is it again? Um, this one.
She presses the button
Okay.
Photos are taken, they kiss, another photo is taken, they leave the photobooth
Maya: Think there's any pizza left?
Emily: Where are the pictures?
Maya: Damn, I told you I break cameras.
Emily: No, seriously, where are they?
Maya: Probably just ran out of paper. Come on. Let's eat something.
[Somewhere near Noel's house]
Sean: What are you looking for?
Hanna: What do you think?
Sean: Hanna, please stop.
Hanna: You're kidding, right? I mean, you said you wanted it to be special. This is pretty special, if you're not afraid of spiders.
Sean: Oh, it's... I don't wanna do this right now.
Hanna: Well, then, where do you want to go? We can't exactly afford a weekend at a five-star hotel.
Sean: It's not about where.
Hanna: Then what is it about? Is this about me? Tell me. Tell me why this is not happening, and don't start quoting scripture.
Sean: Why are you acting like this?
Hanna: Like what?
Sean: Like you've got something to prove.
Hanna: Because maybe I do! Maybe you still think of me as that dumpy junior high girl who laughed at all your jokes and gave you cuts in line and followed you around like some groupie.
Sean: No, I... I liked that girl. But... but this one seems... desperate.
Hanna: Any guy at this party would be happy to be with me. Why aren't you?
Sean: We already talked about this, okay? Take this. It's cold up here.
Hanna: Leave me alone. I don't want your stupid jacket.
[At the gallery]
Byron: Well, you are.
Ella: He's just saying this because he has to.
Byron: No, I..
Meredith comes in
Aria: What are you doing here? Did you forget what we talked about?
Meredith: You talked. I listened.
Aria: What didn't you understand? You need to leave now.
Meredith: Listen, sweetie, I'm not in high school. You don't have any say in this.
[Outside Noel's]
Mona: Hanna! Hanna, what's up? Hanna! Wait, why are you taking Sean's car? Hanna!
[Ezra's apartment]
Ezra: Hey. I thought you were helping out at the gallery.
Aria: I was. Can I come in?
Ezra: I'm not sure if that's a good idea.
Aria: I'm s... I'm sorry. This was... a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. I just didn't know where else to go. I'll see you on Monday.
Ezra: No, wait. Are you... are you okay? Do you need me to drive you home?
Aria: That's the last place I want to be.
Ezra: Why? What happened?
Aria: Can... can we just... be here for a minute?
[In front of Emily's]
Emily: Good night Maya.
Maya: Godd night Emily. See you.
Emily walks to Toby's
Emily: Hi. I... I never got a chance to... I just wanted to thank you. I mean... I'm not sure why you... Well, it doesn't matter. Again, thanks.
She leaves
Jenna: Why is she thanking you? Why is she thanking you?
Toby: It's not what you think.
[In the woods]
Spencer: Alison wanted us across the streetso she could have it out with Toby. Ali had something on him.
Hanna: Besides being a total perv who peeped in our windows?
Spencer: Yeah, something way bigger, and she was threatening to tell everybody. That's why he took the fall for us.
Aria: Why are you waiting until now to tell us?
Spencer: I don't know. Ali made me promise, and... I guess I was scared. I thought if we never talked about that night again, it would just go away.
Hanna: Well, it's not going away. Not unless we toss our phones and join the Navy.
Emily: Look, there's four of usand one freak sending messages. If we just talk to each other like this, I feel like it makes it easier to deal with everything.
Aria: I think Emily's right. There's way too many secrets. We shouldn't do this in the middle of nowhere. We should do it where we can see it every day.
Hanna: You mean, like, somewhere in school?
Aria: No. In town. We should ask if we can put a bench somewhere. Wait, and you know what? Whoever did this to her, if they're still in rosewood, we should make them look at it every day, too.
Spencer: What, you hate the idea?
Hanna: No. No, I just... I had a rough night.
Branches rustle, the girls run
Hanna: Look.
Spencer: Is that yours?
Aria: Alison's.


Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can't. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I'm pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here.
Amy: Cut.
Sheldon: What's wrong?
Amy: Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden.
Wil: Wooden?
Amy: Don't worry, it wasn't terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.
Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Now what's interesting about this flag...
Amy: Cut.
Wil: What was wrong with that?
Amy: It's called Fun with Flags. They're not at half-mast, nobody died. Let's try and keep it upbeat.
Wil: Um, no offence, but I've been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.
Sheldon: It's true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.
Amy: You'll have to forgive me. This is my first time directing, I just want it to be good.
Wil: So do I.
Amy: Great. So, this time let's try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action.
Wil: And cut. You realize that I'm doing this for free, right?
Amy: Yes. And so far, we're still not getting our money's worth. Let's try it again. Everybody's having fun. And action.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.
Amy: Cut.
Wil: Problem, first-time director?
Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.
Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.
Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I'm really happy to do this for you, but not if she's gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.
Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?
Sheldon: Well, you're my girlfriend and I don't want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton's my friend and I don't want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?
Amy: Can I speak to you for a second?
Sheldon: I'll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.
Amy: I don't care for your friend, he's being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.
Sheldon: Amy, I can't just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He's a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.
Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.
Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I'll see you at dinner tonight?
Amy: You sure you wouldn't rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?
Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire. Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard's bedroom.
Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.
Bernadette: You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks.
Bernadette: I don't understand why you keep your stuff here when there's plenty of room at home.
Howard: What are you talking about? All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff, computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer. Ooh, there's my plaid dickie. Oh, got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents. Can you believe it?
Bernadette: 50 cents sounds right. Let's go.
Howard: You know, it's kinda late. Why don't we just spend the night here?
Bernadette: Because we don't live here.
Howard: I know.
Bernadette: Do you? You said when you got back from space you were gonna move into my apartment, but half the time we stay here.
Howard: That's not true.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I'm doing laundry. You want me to put anything in for you?
Howard: There's some underwear in the hamper.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, good, I got that new stain stick to try out.
Howard: Thank you, I only put it on the list two weeks ago. Okay, I see what you're getting at. How about this weekend I'll box up all my things and move them to our place.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: The lightsabres are gonna look great in the living room.
Bernadette: Or in the closet. We can decide later.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, help, my hand's stuck in the garbage disposal.
Howard: Let go of whatever piece of food you're holding.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you kidding? It's a perfectly good chicken leg.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, look who's out after dark, like a big boy.
Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy.
Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument?
Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.
Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left?
Sheldon: Walked right out the door.
Leonard: And you?
Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.
Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset.
Sheldon: Why's that?
Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.
Sheldon: You're just repeating what I said. It's like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.
Leonard: Trust me, call her.
Sheldon: Fine. It's a shame you didn't go to dinner with us, because the buffet you're about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.
Amy (on skype): What?
Sheldon: You'll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you're mad at me. Tell him you're not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.
Amy: I'm mad at you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they're angry, they're really just hungry.
Amy: I'm not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn't do anything.
Sheldon: Precisely, I didn't do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?
Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you're doing great.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That's it. End of story. Good night.
Sheldon: Wow, Amy's mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Hey. Sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?
Bernadette: So, is there anything I can do to help you with the move tomorrow?
Howard: Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great.
Bernadette: What's your excuse this time?
Howard: No excuse. It's just, you know, I'm Jewish, and technically, we're not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath. So this one's on God.
Bernadette: That might be a little more convincing if you didn't have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger.
Howard: My religion's kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don't wear a cross, you're good.
Bernadette: Howie, you promised you'd move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I'm obviously not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child.
Penny: I've seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp. Don't you have other tables you should be waiting on?
Penny: Yeah, but I told you, I'm not good at my job. Bernadette, listen to me. He is never gonna leave.
Bernadette: I'm starting to think you're right.
Howard: All right, I've had enough of this. I'm a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I've been to space. I will move out when I'm ready, and I don't need anyone badgering me into it.
Penny: Wow, excuse me.
Howard: That was just for her benefit. I'll move tomorrow. I love you. Don't leave me.
Scene: Amy's apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I've been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.
Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this?
Sheldon: First of all, you're welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton's body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I'll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy... (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She's hooked.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Howard's bedroom.
Raj: Wow. An end of an era.
Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk.
Leonard: They'd say, why does he touch himself so much?
Howard: Yeah. I can't believe I'm not going to live here anymore. This has always been my bedroom. Right here is where my mom used to mark my height.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Fifth grade. Sixth grade. Seventh grade. Eighth grade. Ninth grade.
Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M'S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
Leonard: Okay. You want to start loading this stuff into the truck?
Howard: Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favour? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room.
Leonard: We're not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.
Howard: Fine, let's go.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.
Penny: Hey. What brings you in?
Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls.
Penny: I had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon: Penny, please, I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.
Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking?
Sheldon: Well, it's been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think that's going to cut it.
Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.
Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?
Penny: It's calmed the pants off me a couple of times.
Sheldon: Sold.
Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?
Sheldon: The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.
Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle.
Sheldon: It's a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they're both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they're bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.
Penny: Honey, you can't make people like each other.
Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that's hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I'm having a tea party.
Penny: You might want to pace yourself.
Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I'm doing.
Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.
Sheldon: My problem is I'm out of tea.
Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.
Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter's deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them. She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel.
Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go.
Sheldon: I'm a callous egomaniac. She's gonna leave me.
Penny: No, she won't.
Sheldon: No, she won't. I'm great.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment.
Howard: Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother's house. You are now the only woman in my life who I'll see naked in the bathroom.
Bernadette: I know this wasn't easy. You doing okay?
Howard: Oh, I'm fine. It's just her I'm worried about.
Bernadette: Aw, she'll be okay. She's a grown woman.
Howard: I know. It's just ever since my dad left, I've felt responsible for her.
Bernadette: That's a lot for a kid to deal with.
Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
Bernadette: She's lucky you were there.
Howard: You know, she's why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she'd smile. For a few minutes, she'd forget how lonely she was.
Bernadette: Aw, crap. Let's go.
Howard: Where we going?
Bernadette: Grab a box. We'll sleep at your mother's place tonight.
Howard: No, but I want to live here.
Bernadette: Well, you should've thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story.
Howard: Can't we talk about this?
Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother's heart!
Scene: Wil Wheaton's house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
Sheldon: Wouldn't you like to know?
Wil: Have you been drinking?
Sheldon: Just tea. S'the best tea I've ever had.
Wil: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I'll tell you. I'm from Texas. Need I say more?
Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.
Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I'm here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.
Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we're gonna fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant invisible cow. They're up to beat an apology out of you.
Wil: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.
Wil: Are you okay?
Sheldon: You're asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I'll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I'm pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags for...
Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon: I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
LeVar: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?


Psy's office
Summer: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Psy: I'm glad you came. What brings you in?
Summer: Well, I've changed a lot since I got to college. New friends, new interests, new clothes.
Psy: Well, that's perfectly normal.
Summer: I know. But... I think throwing myself into all these new things is just a way of avoiding dealing with what happened to my friend...who, um... who died.
Psy: Well, grief often comes in five stages.
Summer: Yeah, but I haven't really been grieving. Why is this happening? Life is so unfair! I'd do anything to change things. Please, just name it, and I'll do it. Nothing matters anyway. But this is so not fair! I'm sorry, I have rage issues. I think she would want me to move on. So that's what I'm going to try to do.
Psy: I'm proud of you, Summer. You've made astounding progress, and all in one week.
Summer: It's kind of a relief in a way. Now I can go back to being me.
Psy: What do you mean by that?
Summer: Well, this whole save the planet thing, it was a crutch, right? And nothing against handicapped people, but crutches? Ew.
Psy: A lot of people do change when they go to college.
Summer: Well, not me. I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip, always have, always will. But I think I have to. If I ever want things to be good with my boyfriend again.
Psy: Summer, just promise you'll take it slow.
Summer: Totally. At the airport
Ryan: Hey, man.
Seth: Hey, dude, I know, three hour time difference, but, Ryan, she's going to dump me.
Ryan: It's okay, I'm awake.
Seth: Oh, good. Ryan, she's going to dump me.
Ryan: No one believes that, all right? Summer loves you.
Seth: The old Summer loved me. But new Summer is upon us, and Providence is the place that spawned her.
Ryan: Summer is just dealing with what we're all dealing with, okay? She'll come around.
Seth: What if she doesn't? This is my last shot. Otherwise, the girl with the violent temper and good hygiene is nothing but a childhood memory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Seth: Careful, lady, my girlfriend's going to be here any second.
Summer: Shut up, Cohen.
Seth: Hey, you just punched me. My baby's back.
Généric At the beach
Sandy: You look good out there.
Ryan: Thanks.
Sandy: I got to get you on a surfboard.
Ryan: Not a chance.
Sandy: How about some breakfast? I could use some intel on Seth and Summer.
Ryan: You know what, I can't, but, uh, I think they're doing all right. You know? Doing the long distance thing.
Sandy: How about you? How are you doing?
Ryan: Good, good. Better, once I get my first day of work under my belt.
Sandy: Well, Pavo Guapo is lucky to have you working there.
Ryan: Me, too.
Sandy: Now I got an excuse to come by for your shrimp tacos.
Ryan: Yeah, Kirsten warned me about that. You're limited to two a week.
Sandy: Oh! I knew I should have divorced that dame.
Ryan: Well, it's not forever.
Sandy: You're still accepted to Berkeley for next year. I'm just glad you're getting back to your old self. You know? Back home again. New job.
Ryan: I'm just trying to stay busy and earn some extra money.
Sandy: And hook me up with some shrimp tacos.
Ryan: Yeah, right. I'll work on that. I'm going to walk back. I'm kind of sweaty.
Sandy: Yeah, I wasn't offering you a ride. Hey, Ryan? Hang in there. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom
Seth: Wow, that was a lot better than what I was imagining on the plane.
Summer: You were imagining it on the plane?
Seth: Not like that. When you called me here, I was sure you were going to break up with me.
Summer: Well, I know I'm not the one that usually apologizes in this relationship, but I'm sorry about everything. I turned into a liberal zealot just to distract myself from my own grief. I'm not even into all this stuff.
Seth: So the old you is back?
Summer: In all of my artificially tanned glory.
Seth: Thank God 'Cause I was not sure that the new you and old me were really working.
Summer: Yeah, the new me kind of smelled weird. Well, what would you have done if I didn't go back to being me?
Seth: I had a plan to coax the old Summer out. The Valley, Season Three? Summer: Awesome! At Cohen's
Kirsten: I checked on Ryan. Did he leave already?
Sandy: Yeah. He seemed to be doing okay. I was hoping to hang with him while Seth is away. Poker, maybe shoot a little pool, but his new job is going to make that tough.
Kirsten: Well, I could rack a few balls with you.
Sandy: You are so smart and sexy and gorgeous. But sometimes a man just needs to hang with the guys.
Kirsten: Well, that I'm not.
Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil's gone. Look, I wasn't a pennant winner, but at least I had a bullpen, you know?
Kirsten: It's baseball talk. I got it. Why don't you give Jason Spitz a call? You're always saying how funny he is. Why don't you ask him to do something?
Sandy: Yeah, yeah... I don't know. I mean, it's a little weird for a guy to ask another guy to do something right out of the blue like that.
Kirsten: Since when is Sandy Cohen afraid of acting weird?
Sandy: Well, Spitz is pretty funny. He's allegedly a scratch golfer. He likes the Dodgers. I could live with that.
Kirsten: It sounds perfect for you.
Sandy: Yeah, but what am I going to do? I'm going to give him a call or what? Ask him out?
Kirsten: Come on. Why don't you use some of that Sandy Cohen charm? I'm sure he won't be able to resist.
Sandy: It's been a long time since I been out there, honey. What if Spitzy doesn't like me?
Kirsten: Are you calling him Spitzy now?
Sandy: No, not yet. Do you think he'll go for it? At Roberts'
Julie: Well, that's very generous of you. Thank you, Neil. Bye.
Kaitlin: So how's Seattle? Is that short, sassy lady still bossing Dr. Roberts around the hospital?
Julie: Neil is fine. He's going to let us stay in the house as long as we want.
Kaitlin: Well, nice work, Mom.
Julie: I wish I could take all the credit, but it was actually Neil's idea. He's really very sweet.
Kaitlin: Oh, you miss him. Well, don't worry. We'll find you another old dude to pay for all your stuff and cheat on you.
Julie: Is that what I'm teaching you?
Kaitlin: Mm, pretty much.
Julie: Well, no more. Now that we have our housing situation handled, I am officially giving up men. Good one.
Kaitlin: That'll last a week, max.
Julie: I'll take that wager, young lady. And I'll make one with you. I will not so much as bat an eyelash at a man, and you will stay out of trouble.
Kaitlin: You cannot live without a man. not even for a week.
Taylor: Morning, roomies Anyone want a protein scramble?
Julie: Nice to see you're making yourself at home, Taylor.
Taylor: Well, thanks for making me feel at home, Jules. Summer's room is just adorable. And I don't know how I ever lived without a home gym.
Kaitlin: Oh, this came for you today. Who's Henry Michael?
Taylor: Uh... Oh, Henri Michel? That's just, um, my French husband. I'm sure it's nothing. Excuse me.
Julie: You see? Man drama-- who needs it?
Kaitlin: Hey, Ernesto's looking pretty hot. Nice six-pack.
Julie: Where?
Kaitlin: Gotcha. At Ryan's workplace
Ryan: Taylor, hey.
Taylor: Hi, Ryan. Are you working at El Pavo Guapo? You know, that means a handsome turkey?
Ryan: That's why I took the job.
Taylor: Hey, do you know when Seth's going to be back? I really need to talk to him.
Ryan: Sorry, gone for the weekend.
Taylor: You know, that shirt really brings out your eyes.
Ryan: It's black. What are you doing here, Taylor?
Taylor: Just in the mood for Mexican.
Ryan: Mm-hmm.
Taylor: Maybe the Macho Nacho Burrito wrap with extra guac. And... Oh, um, a favor.
Ryan: No, no, no, sorry.
Taylor: With Seth gone, you're the only one I can turn to.
Ryan: Well, I'm honored.
Taylor: Okay, so, I'm trying to get divorced, and I just found out that Henri Michel... Oh, that's my French husband. Um, he's coming to Newport and I know he's going to try and talk me out of it, and I could really use you there.
Ryan: No.
Taylor: I'm afraid to be alone with him. I'm afraid of his sensual powers. Ryan, the man is a sexual Jedi. Whatever he asks you to do, you just do it. It doesn't matter how depraved...
Ryan: Okay, some people are trying to eat here, including me someday, so...
Taylor: Ryan, please. If I go alone, I'll be back in France next week. You don't know how hard it was to leave. Seth and Summer are gone,my mom kicked me out, and... I have no one else. Look, just do me this one favor, and I'll leave you alone.
Ryan: Promise? At Brown's college - Summer's bedroom
Che: Knock, knock. Hey, Summer, can you fact-check this flier on solar panels? It's for the rally tomorrow.
Summer: Che, I'd like to talk.
Che: Sure, man. What's up?
Summer: I haven't been completely honest with you about who I really am. This is my shoe collection. There's leather, suede, and the occasional calfskin boot.
Che: Whoa, my friend.
Summer: These are my magazines. I know which stars pump gas just like us, and who's on pump watch. And this is Marissa. She was my best friend, um, but she died in a car accident on graduation night.
Che: Summer, I'm sorry. That's-That's really heavy.
Summer: Yeah, well, it's so heavy that I couldn't deal, so... I put all my energy towards being an activist, but that's not who I am. These shoes and these magazines-- that's me, but I hope we can still be friends.
Che: All I can do is be me, whoever that is. It's, uh... it's Dylan. The guy's a genius. Look, Summer, if you've found your place in this world, I am nothing but happy for you.
Seth: Hey. I put some cream in your coffee. I figured you'd be back on dairy.
Summer: Hey, uh, Che, this is my boyfriend, Seth. Seth, this is Che.
Che: Summer, you have a twin flame. I wish I knew you were coming into town. I would have made you a bracelet.
Seth: Oh, hey. Uh, where I come from, we just say hey.
Che: Well, to borrow your native tongue, hey. Listen, forget what I said about the rally. We got plenty of warriors for the fight. You two, just... be.
Summer: Thanks, Che.
Seth: What's that?
Summer: It's garbage. At Sandy's office
Sandy: Hi, Jason. How you doing?
Jason: I just had a meeting with Kaminsky.
Sandy: Oh, the slowest talker in the world. It took forever. Forever.
Jason: Good to see you, man.
Sandy: Hey, uh... you got any plans this weekend?
Jason: Sandy, I've been working the past six Saturdays.
Sandy: No, no, I didn't mean that. I'm just saying that we could, you know, you and I, uh, we could do something.
Jason: Do something?
Sandy: Poker, pool, you know, a little small ball. If you're free. If not, no worries.
Jason: Can I get back to you on that?
Sandy: Oh, sure, yeah. Whatever. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom
Summer: God, this is so disgusting.
Seth: I don't know, I think you're being too hard on April. Derek's knee was... it was really messed up.
Summer: No, I just... I don't like this show anymore. All they do is create fake problems for fake people just to distract viewers from the real problems in the world.
Seth: Well, I don't think the network would go for a sexy teen soap set in the Damascus, but we can turn it off if you want. I just thought you liked it.
Summer: I'm just distracted. I haven't been keeping up on how much blow Lindsay Lohan's doing. And did you hear about JT and Cameron?
Seth: No, what?
Summer: I don't know. That is the point. I'm going to go get one of my magazines.
Seth: That sounds like the old Summer. I'm going to stay here and, uh, keep watching. You know, I have this thing where if I start something, I have to finish. Is that like a disease or a condition?
Summer: Don't really know, Cohen. I'm reading about who got lipo. Yatch club
Ryan: You know, you might want to relax.
Taylor: Distract me. Tell me about this, um, cage fighting. It's something that I've been meaning to get into.
Ryan: Yeah? Yeah? Ask me another favor, I'll be happy to show you.
Taylor: Oh, Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce. I like it. You're going to have to do better, though, 'cause right now all I ca think of is him, my husband, and his arms, his smell... making love in the barn in Burgundy.
Ryan: Sounds like the perfect guy. Why would you want to divorce?
Taylor: Well, despite being agnostic in most things, I do believe in true love. And this was not it. Well, back to you and your life. What is your favorite fruit?
Ryan: Peaches.
Taylor: Oh, he used to say my breasts were like two, soft...
Ryan: Is that him?
Taylor: No, that's... his lawyer.
Lawyer: Madam.
Ryan: Is everything okay?
Taylor: No, not exactly.
Ryan: What did he say? What's wrong? What's going on?
Taylor: Oh, I just told him you were a soccer fan.
Ryan: Oh. Yeah, I like soccer. At Brown's college - Summer's bedroom
Seth: Sorry today was such a bust. Summer; What are you talking about? We totally cleaned out the mall.
Seth: Well, you threw your smoothie at a lady on the street.
Summer: Hey, that fur did not look faux.
Seth: Yeah, I just feel like your mind is someplace else.
Summer: My mind is on this adorable sweater right here. I'm going to try it on' with that bag we bought, because how cute would they look together? Now, if you don't mind, a little privacy.
Seth: Well, I enjoy watching you take off your clothes, I'm sure I'll enjoy watching you put them on.
Summer: Hey, this is a very intense process.
Seth: All right, actually this is perfect. I wanted to head over to Thayer Street and do a walking tour of ethnic foods. I can't be moving here if the shwarma is not up to par.
Summer: Well, bring me a kabob.
Che: Hey, Summer.
Summer: Che, hey, I wanted to know how the rally went.
Che: We marched, we chanted, and along the way, we may have even opened up a few eyes. We'll see.
Summer: Oh, that sounds great.
Che: Yeah, Summer, what are you doing?
Summer: Trying on a sweater. Hey, Seth and I are going to watch a movie here later if you want to come by.
Che: No, I can't. We're prepping for tomorrow night's debate.
Summer: Debate?
Che: They agreed to grant us an audience with the dean, present our proposal. Only thing not powered by the fuel of the sun is our passion.
Summer: Uh, well, tell everyone I said hi, and good luck.
Che: Yeah, thanks. So do you like it?
Summer: Huh? Like what?
Che: The new sweater.
Summer: No. Yatch club
Kirsten: So you're really giving up on men?
Julie: Men are to me, what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I'm upside down on a chandelier.
Kirsten: Not that you've ever done that. What's your point, Julie?
Julie: I'm just trying to set a good example for Kaitlin, develop my own interests, maybe my career, that is, if you'd still have me as a partner.
Kirsten: As I told you, New Matchis there for you whenever you want.
Julie: Thanks, Keeks. I was hoping you'd say that. Okay, so, I have so many new ideas about expanding. I went online. I checked out some office... Oh, there's Taryn.
Kirsten: Wow, she looks amazing. Did she have some work done?
Julie: She's had something.
Taryn: Kirsten, great to see you. Julie, I'm so sorry about Neil. I hope you plan to sue. You know, just because you aren't legal doesn't mean you're not entitled to some sort of...
Kirsten: Oh, it's Sandy. Excuse me. Hi, honey.
Sandy: Hey, guess what?
Kirsten: I'm not good at guessing.
Sandy: I'm going out.
Kirsten: I'm jealous, with who?
Sandy: Spitz! Spitzy to me.
Kirsten: He called?
Sandy: He called.
Kirsten: How about that? How about that?
Sandy: Maybe a little golf, maybe a drink after, watch the game.
Kirsten: Golfing, game watching, suddenly not so jealous.
Taryn: Thanks, but I don't think I'll be needing a dating service anymore.
Julie: Really? I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
Taryn: Oh, not someone... someones. Young ones. Men our age are so complicated. Young guys just like to have fun. And they are so grateful for a woman who knows what she's doing.
Julie: Oh, so grateful, and limber.
Taryn: Hey, a group of us are going out tomorrow night. You should come.
Julie: Uh, I'm trying to be a role model.
Taryn: Oh, mm-hmm. I'll call you.
Kirsten: Did Taryn run off already? Mm-hmm. What's she doing?
Julie: Him. Harbour
Brad: Hey, Kaitlin! We got a guy who can hook us up with fake I.D.'s. It's awesome.
Kaitlin: Yeah. I think I'll pass.
Brad: You've wanted a fake I.D. since you were six.
Eric: Yeah, come on.
Brad: Yeah, and the guy's leaving town next week.
Kaitlin: Well, where is he going?
Eric: He's going to prison.
Brad: Yeah, for fraud. Because he's awesome.
Kaitlin: Look, you guys, I made a bet with my mom that I'd stay out of trouble. And this definitely sounds like trouble.
Brad: Dude, not if we don't get caught.
Eric: Dude, seriously.
Brad: Yeah, dude, seriously.
Kaitlin: Well, with a foolproof plan like that, how can I say no?
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Ryan's workplace
Taylor: Garcon?
Ryan: Ah! Taylor ! It's been a few hours since your last Macho Nacho. You must be starving.
Taylor: I was thinking of the mol. And, um, one more tiny little favor.
Ryan: Does it involve me standing around while you speak French? 'Cause I've already done that.
Taylor: No, no, no. I actually just need your signature. You see, before I can get divorced, I have to have someone attest to my character.
Ryan: That's in French.
Taylor: It's just the usual boilerplate. You know, never been to prison- well, me, not you. Never been married before, no contact with livestock, blah, blah, blah. So I think I have a pen.
Ryan: Uh, you know, actually, can I sign that after work? Just leave it here.
Taylor: Sure. Yes, okay. Thank you very much. So you don't speak French at all?
Ryan: No, why?
Taylor: Well, it must have been really boring for you today. Sorry. Brown's college
Che: Hey, Seth, man, what's up?
Seth: Hey, I got some extra baba ghanoush.
Che: Oh, baba ghanoush. No thanks, man.
Seth: I'm all right. Where's Summer? I gave her a little time-out. It's not easy having house guests.
Che: What?! I thought you guys were having this great day, purchasing luxury goods, and eating things with faces.
Seth: Honestly, it could have gone a little better. I mean, you know, I support her, whatever she's into, but I really need this to work 'cause...
Summer: The people have spoken! We are of one voice, one mind and one heart! Yeah! I will not sleep, I will not eat, I will not rest until this hypocrisy ends. Solar panels on all of our dormitories, or we revolt!
Student: Who's with Summer? Yeah!
All: Yeah! Yeah! Poolhouse
Ryan: Hey, man, how's your French?
Seth: Old Summer's been replaced by the real Summer, and she looks suspiciously like the new Summer.
Ryan: So she's still in her "Go Green" phase?
Seth: I don't think it's a phase, man. I think this is her life now, and it's obvious I don't fit in it. Uh, sorry, gotta go. Ryan! Hey, wait, I've got to talk to you about Taylor... what...? Brown's college
Summer: Didn't mean to eavesdrop.
Seth: It's okay.
Summer: Well, I knew you were lying last night when you said nothing was wrong.
Seth: Nothing is wrong; you're doing what people do at college-- discovering who you really are.
Summer: Believe me, I am as surprised as you are. But I'm still going to shave my legs and wash my hair, and be the best girlfriend that I can.
Seth: Well, you know, who can ask for more than that?
Summer: Think of all the new subjects we'll have to talk about.
Seth: I did explain the concept of recycling to you in tenth grade.
Summer: See, there's lots of places where we could use your help, Cohen. Brown's college - Che's bedroom
Che: Please come in. Enter.
Seth: Hey... Oh! You're really nude. Why don't I... let me come back.
Che: No! Wait right there. I have a gift for you. My song.
Seth: Wow. Wow. That's really, uh... Anyways, listen, I kind of need your help.
Che: Yeah, bro, one second. Uh, I'm actually really honored you would ask me.
Seth: Oh, hey, that's cool, we can shake. We can shake. We can shake. And we're touching. Golf course
Sandy: Oh! Fore!
Jason: Yeah, hi. Sorry!
Sandy: Rob, what are you doing?
Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. I'm sorry about that. My, my kid's got a rash. I got to go to the pharmacy after this.
Sandy: Oh, sorry.
Jason: Take another one. It was my fault.
Sandy: No, no, no! You're up. I'll play it from the parking lot.
Jason: I think I hit your car. It'd be an improvement. Sandy.. uh...You know, my kid doesn't have a rash. My wife's just calling, making sure I'm having a good time, you know, because I don't have that many guy friends anymore.
Sandy: Who does? Who's got the time?
Jason: I know, it's work, family, then more work, you know? When did it get so hard?
Sandy: Well, when we were kids, all you had to do was ask, hey, want to play some ball? And we didn't have any cell phones.
Jason: I turned mine off. I'm really sorry about that.
Sandy: Oh! I'm so sorry, man! I'm so sorry. It's the office. I'm turning it off.
Jason: I think I hit your car anyway. At Cohen's
Kirsten: I love this space and I love the windows.
Julie: Plus it's by the beach, so there'd be lots of foot traffic and eye candy, not that I'm looking.
Kirsten: So I'll make an appointment for us for Monday? Are you doing anything tonight?
Julie: No, Kaitlin's with the twins, working on a science project, so I have the night all to myself.
Kirsten: Well, Sandy's out with a friend. Do you want to do something? I don't know-- takeout and a movie?
Julie: Two women spending Saturday night at home together. I love it. How very Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.
Kirsten: Go ahead, you can take it.
Julie: No, that's okay. Just a sec. Hello?
Taryn: It's Taryn. You joining us tonight?
Julie: Uh, actually, I'm here with Kirsten and we were thinking about maybe...
Taryn: Order in and watch a movie? Oh, honey, even with the wonders of elective surgery, you will only be this hot for so long. Have fun while you can. Julie, you still there?
Julie: I'll call you back.
Kirsten: Oh, I was just going to get some takeout menus. Do you know what you'd like to eat?
Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a rain check on our girl's night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No, uh... I'm just a little flushed. I'll call you. Parking
Kaitlin: Okay, I think that's the guy.
Brad: Kaitlin, what if he's packing heat?
Kaitlin: Okay, you guys just stay here. Money. Got what we talked about?
Man: In here. Great, so it's covered in lice and grease. Put your money in the hat and try and be cool about it.
Kaitlin: You think it's my first buy? It's been a pleasure.
Man: I'm available, by the way.
Kaitlin: That's heinous. Nightclub
Julie: I don't know about this, Taryn. It might be too soon.
Taryn: Julie, I know how you feel. But there's one man who can always get me out on the dance floor. His name is Jose. Jose Cuervo. Have you met my friend Julie Cooper-- urban cougar. Ryan's workplace
Taylor: Ryan! There you are. You know, I think there might be something wrong with your phone. I called you three times today.
Ryan: Six, actually.
Taylor: Oh, well, um, did you get a chance to look at that silly little document?
Ryan: Yeah! I did. And I had a question for you. Um, what does that mean?
Taylor: Oh, that's just lawyer speak. You know, just party of the first part, party of the second part.
Ryan: So it doesn't say we had s*x, like, 30 times? Took me like five hours to translate that.
Taylor: Sorry.
Ryan: Yeah.
Taylor: It's just that without the consent of my husband, the only way I can get a divorce is if one of us was unfaithful. I just didn't think you'd sign if you knew the truth.
Ryan: Yeah, well, I've got a lot of half-eaten enchiladas to clear.
Taylor: Ryan, I have to meet that lawyer at the yacht club tonight, and if I don't have this signed, I'm going to have no choice but to go with him to France and try to work it out with Henri Michel, face-to-face.
Ryan: Which means you won't be able to keep coming here, which is a real shame.
Taylor: Well, did you at least read this part where I said what a great lover you are?
Ryan: Look, Taylor... this job, this is about all I can handle right now. You know?
Taylor: I shouldn't have dragged you in to this.
Ryan: Yeah, that's what I've been trying to say.
Taylor: It's just that I...don't have anyone else. It's kind of why I married a Frenchman in the first place. I mean, my mom hates me. I don't really know my dad, and last year was the first year I ever had friends. All of a sudden, I'm by myself in a foreign country, and I meet this guy who says he loves me. He wants to take care of me and... and... One too many bottles of Chateau Margot and a view from the Eiffel Tower, and why not? That's how Tom wooed Katie. Why not me?
Ryan: Well, look, I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm just not the guy to help. Sorry. Brown's college
Summer: Here they come. There you are.
Che: Sorry we're late. Earlier today, a caterpillar entered my room. I'm happy to say a butterfly emged.
Seth: Did you know that the amount of solar energy that touches the Earth's surface in 40 minutes is greater than all the energy required by the entire human population in a year?
Summer: Yes, I did know that.
Che: It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? Come on, friends.
Man: Oh, the board only allows students in the town meeting. Do you go here?
Seth: Uh, no... But I made this.
Summer: Can you just make an exception? It's for the good of the Earth.
Man: No, I'm afraid not.
Seth: Well, it's cool, you go ahead.
Summer: But it's your last night here. You can't spend it alone.
Seth: Summer, everybody in there is counting on you, okay? I can amuse myself for a few hours.
Summer: You're the best boyfriend ever.
Seth: Go change the world. Ryan's workplace
Sandy: Looks like you're going to get a chance to meet one of my kids. Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Hey.
Sandy: I'd like you to meet Jason Spitz from work.
Ryan: What's up? How you doing?
Sandy: We're about to go in and watch the game, get a bite to eat. Can you join us?
Ryan: Uh, you know, actually, I'm kind of beat. But you guys go ahead. Nice to meet you.
Jason: Good to meet you.
Sandy: I'll be inside. Yeah. Is everything okay? 'Cause I'm guessing not really.
Ryan: I didn't get fired, I didn't punch any of my drunken customers, I'd say I'm great.
Sandy: One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Eventually, it'll get easier.
Ryan: Yeah, why, because I'll start to forget about her?
Sandy: No, no. You're never going to forget about her. But... life goes on.
Ryan: Not the same life.
Sandy: No. But you're going to have to make this life work.
Ryan: Yeah, but I do, you know? I got a job. I go there, I go home. I talk to as few people as possible.
Sandy: If it were only that easy. Unfortunately for you, getting mixed up in other people's lives, helping them out of jams, it seems to be what you do, like it or not. I'd hate to see you turn your back on that. It'd be like rning your back on yourself. Come on, join us, would you? Get a little food, watch the second half of the game.
Ryan: Actually, there's something I've got to do. Uh, you guys have fun.
Sandy: All right.
Ryan: All right. Nightclub
Man: Cover's 20 bucks, just pay inside.
Kaitlin: Let me do the talking, okay?
Man: You got an I.D.? It's cool. Cover's 20 bucks, just pay inside.
Kaitlin: Cool.
Man: Sorry, boys, not tonight.
Brad: What? Why?
Kaitlin: I'm sorry, is there a problem with their I.D.'s? Because they're with me.
Man: There's a problem with them. See, I have the right to refuse entry to anybody. And tonight that includes dorks and virgins. So just beat it, guys.
Brad: Fine.
Eric: Whatever, man.
Brad: That blows. Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.
Eric: Yeah, you can't go in there without us.
Brad: Who's going to protect you?
Kaitlin: See you guys later.
Man: Need you to move aside, guys. Ryan's workplace
Sandy: This is great. Watching the game, having a beer. For five minutes, the sky isn't falling. A chance to be stupid again.
Jason: Here's to being stupid for five minutes.
Sandy: Hey, honey.
Kirsten: How's it going?
Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kid's walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble.
Kirsten: Strip Scrabble? I'm glad things are going well.
Sandy: Yeah. So how are you doing? You having fun with Julie?
Kirsten: Well, Julie had a mysterious illness. So I'm home alone. I just finished watching a movie and I thought I'd check in. I love you.
Sandy: I love you. Bye. Yatch club
Taylor: I don't love him. I never did. I was just scared.
Ryan: Sorry I'm late. You have that paper for me to sign?
Lawyer: It won't be necessary. I may be a lawyer, but I'm also a Frenchman. I know love when I see it. I will inform Henri Michel.
Taylor: Ryan, I...
Ryan: Don't worry about it. Brown's college
Che: We stand before you, an organized student body. We have a question. Where does this burden fall?
Summer: Hey, sleepyhead.
Seth: Hey.
Summer: Hey.
Seth: Did we win?
Summer: Not yet, but Che suggested a filibuster, so it could go on all night. I think we got 'em.
Seth: That's great.
Summer: Yeah. When I showed them my cost benefit analysis chart, jaws actually dropped.
Seth: Of course they did. There's all these old people in there that are actually listening to me. Me! It felt better than when I got 70% off that Marc Jacobs dress with the broken zipper.
Seth: I wish I could have been there.
Summre: Instead you slept in the hallway on your last night in Providence.
Seth: I'm totally fine. Listen, go back in there and knock it out of the park.
Summer: Was that a sports reference?
Seth: Maybe. See, I know people can change. Poolhouse
Ryan: Yeah?
Taylor: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you asleep?
Ryan: No.
Taylor: Oh, well, then my timing is impeccable, as always. So I wanted to thank you. So I made you peach torte. Yeah, after I got married, Henri Michel made me take a cooking class. Um, I failed everything except tortes. Tortes I rocked.
Ryan: Uh, well, that's great, but, um...
Taylor: You're not a dessert guy. Okay. Well, um, I could make you lunch, or... dinner. I have to pay you back somehow.
Ryan: I love dessert.
Taylor: Okay. Fork.
Ryan: Thanks.
Taylor: Yeah? All right. Wow. Who would have thought, six months ago, you and I, sitting here, sharing a torte.
Ryan: Not me.
Taylor: You know, at graduation, in my commencement address, I said there's no one older than a high school senior, no one younger than a college freshman. It was one of the few parts that wasn't in Latin. And uh, it's true. Because I feel like everything I thought I knew, everything that I expected, is just kind of gone out the window.
Ryan: Yeah, life is definitely unpredictable.
Taylor: Yeah. But I guess I'm realizing that that could be a good thing. You know? Because it's exciting not knowing what's going to happen.
Ryan: Taylor, this is a great torte. Really good. At the airport
Seth: Can I have the next flight to John Wayne Airport, please?
Man: 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
Seth: Come on. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom
Machine: Hey, Summer. I know flying home early is your move, but I stole it. I just wanted to give you room to keep doing what you're doing, because I think it's pretty amazing. So if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I do. End of the episode.


EXT. NEW YORK CITY
Future Ted VO: Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story I don't remember. Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the pineapple incident.
The night started like any other. We were downstairs at the bar.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Marshall, Ted, Robin and Barney sit at booth, Carl comes over with drinks)
Carl: On the house.
Everyone: Whoa.
Carl: It's my own concoction. I call it the Red Dragon.
Everyone: Wow. Thanks, Carl.
(Carl walks away)
Ted: We're not really doing shots, are we?
Lily: I hope not.
Barney: No, no.
Lily: These look kinda like blood.
Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?
Barney: That's ridiculous.
Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark.
Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender.
(Everyone but Marshall laughs)
Robin: Well, I should go get dressed.
Ted: Where are you going, buddy? Hot date?
Lily: I'll say, she's going out with a billionaire.
Robin: Lily, I told you not to call him that.
Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?
Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up?
Ted: So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you?
Robin: A charity dinner.
Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate.
Robin: $1500, Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger.
Barney: You gonna put out?
(Everyone looks at Barney incredulously)
Barney: What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria pills.
Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit.
Robin: Well, I'm gonna be late. You guys have fun. Bye.
(Robin gets up and leaves)
Ted: See ya.
Lily: Bye.
Marshall: You OK?
Ted: Sure, why?
Marshall: I don't know. Girl of your dreams dating a billionaire.
Ted: OK, first of all, hundred millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friend. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I mean, I'm looking to settle down. She's looking for...
(Barney starts snoring, Ted stops talking)
Barney: What? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end. She's short but has an ample bosom. I love it. She's like half-boob. Let's go.
(Barney stands up)
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: Daddy's home.
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah.
Ted: You want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hm. Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
(Barney walks away from their booth over to table four)
Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?
Lily: Garlic fries.
Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you.
(Barney walks back to their booth)
Ted: Oh, daddy's back. See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...
Barney: (holding up small yellow piece of paper) Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy, huh?
Ted: That worked. I hate the world.
Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo.
Barney: Totally.
Ted: So, I think a lot. I happen to have a very powerful brain. It can't be helped.
Barney: Oh yes it can.
(Barney puts a shot in front of Ted)
Marshall: Interesting
Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, hey, Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob. And it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.
Ted: So, what? You want me to do a shot.
Barney: Oh no. I want you to do five shots.
Marshall: Oooh, more interesting.
Ted: Barney, I think you've officially...
Barney: No, don't think. Do.
Marshall: Ted, he's right. You overthink. Maybe you should overdrink.
Marshall, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink...
Ted: Ah, Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?
Lily: Guys, you are being immature and moronic and drink, drink, drink
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink...
(Ted takes a shot)
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Yes! Drink, drink, drink...
Ted: Let me tell you something about this brain, OK?
(Ted takes second shot)
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink! Drink, drink...
Ted: Even alcohol cannot stop this brain.
(Ted takes third shot)
Barney: I love it, I love it, I love it.
Marshall, Lily: Drink, drink, drink...
Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
(Ted takes fourth shot)
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink...
Ted: This is a superbrain.
(Ted takes fifth shot)
Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
(screen blacks out)
Future Ted VO: And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories.
(black screen with white swirls spinning around and fire on the side, pineapple spins around, the words, "I am Ted, please call" spin around)
Future Ted VO: But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted lying in bed rolls over to his right side to see pineapple on his bedside table, gets up slightly looking surprised, rubs side of head and gets up and notices girl sleeping next to him on other side)
Future Ted VO: So, there were some unanswered questions.
(Ted sits up in bed and puts on some sweatpants)
Future Ted VO: How much did I drink? How did I sprain my ankle?
(Ted gets up and grabs left ankle in pain)
Future Ted VO: And who was this girl in my bed?
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall sitting in living room area, Ted walks in from his room) Lily: There's our rock star
Ted: OK, what the hell happened last night?
Marshall: You really don't remember, Superbrain?
Future Ted VO: So, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily filled me in.
(flashback to previous evening at bar, Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted sit at booth, Carl walks over)
Carl: And how did you guys like the shots?
Ted: I drank all five, bitch.
Marshall: (laughing) I love drunk Ted.
Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
(Marshall laughs and then gives Ted a stern look)
Carl: If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.
(Carl walks away)
Lily: No dibs. (Lily puts index finger on her nose)
Marshall: Oh. (Marshall puts index finger on his nose)
(Barney moves top put his index finger on his nose)
Barney: No....Dammit.
Ted: How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny.
(Ted gets his cell phone out)
Lily: Who are you calling?
Ted: Robin.
Marshall: Oh, bad idea.
Barney: No, no, that's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober.
Lily: Says every girl you've ever slept with.
(Lily puts her hand up for a high-five from Barney)
Marshall: (pointing to Lily) Say what?!
(Barney shakes his head, Lily puts her hand down)
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
(Robin sitting in back of limo dressed up, talking on phone with Ted)
Robin: Oh hi Ted.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Hi Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.
Ted on phone)
Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I'm vomit-free since ninety-three?
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Listen, Ted, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Yeah, and I disagree with Barney. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. Take it slow, Robin, take it slow. Slow.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Bye Ted.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Slow.
(Lily takes away Ted's phone)
Marshall: Wow, right, that's why we don't do shots.
Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.
Ted: I need that phone back.
Lily: You'll get this back at the end of class.
Barney: Ding, class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want.
(Barney takes phone from Lily and returns it to Ted)
Ted: Thank you kind sir. At least someone appreciates the fact that I'm doing and not thinking. And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.
(Ted walks away)
Lily: Was that necessary? He is not making smart decisions. Barney: Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next. I don't know, but I want to find out.
(Cheap Trick's "Voices" starts playing on the jukebox)
Marshall: Cheap Trick? Oh Ted.
(Robin in car, her phone rings, she answers)
Robin: Hello again, Ted.
(Ted on phone singing along with jukebox)
Ted: Hey, it's me again.
(Robin on phone smiles)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Plain to see again.
(Ted jumps up on table)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Please can I see you every day?
Ted: (yelling to everyone in bar) I love everyone in this bar.
Marshall: And we love you, drunk Ted.
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I'm a fool again.
(Robin in car on phone with mouth wide open)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I fell in love...
(Ted falls off table)
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Ted?
(back to present scene in apartment)
Ted: Well, that explains the ankle.
Lily: And then we brought you home and put you to bed.
Ted: Was there anyone else in there with me?
(Lily and Marshall get up and run over to Ted's bedroom door, Ted limps behind them, Lily opens door and she and Marshall peek in room to see girl lying on bed, Lily closes the door)
Lily: There's a girl in there.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: And a pineapple.
Ted: I know.
Lily: Who is she?
Ted: I don't know.
(Ted sees his jacket burnt)
Ted: What the hell happened to my jacket? Marshall: Whoa.
Lily: That girl in there is alive, right? Ted: I should call Barney, maybe he knows what happened.
(Marshall gets his phone out of his pocket and dials and gives to Ted, sound of phone ringing from bathroom, Lily, Ted and Marshall walk into the bathroom, Lily pulls curtain aside to find Barney lying in the tub)
Barney: Hello.
Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. (laughs) I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank.
Marshall: How did you get in here anyway? We put Ted to bed around one.
Barney: Oh, you put Ted to bed all right.
(flashback to Marshall and Lily putting Ted to bed)
Ted: You guys take care of me. You guys are the best. I love you guys so much.
Lily: Good night, Ted.
Marshall: Love you too, buddy.
(Lily turns out light, Marshall and Lily leave Ted's bedroom and close door, Ted asleep on his bed)
(Ted enters MacLaren's)
Ted: I'm back baby doll!
Barney: Hey, hey hey hey, he rallies. And the night begins now.
(Barney and Ted high-five)
Barney: All right, game face on. Carl, two more. All right, all right, what do we think of this one?
Ted: I think....
Barney: Ehhh! Trick question, no thinking. You know what time it is? It's do o'clock. Let's ride.
Ted: Bring it.
(Barney walks over to table and sits down next to girl, Ted walks in another direction)
Barney: Have you met Ted?
(Barney gestures behind him and finds that Ted's not there, sees Ted standing by jukebox with his phone) Barney: Excuse me.
(Barney walks over to Ted)
Barney: You're calling Robin.
Ted: I'm calling Robin.
Barney: Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, I forbid you from calling her.
Ted: Oh yeah? What you gonna do?
Barney: If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fire.
Ted: You're bluffing.
(Ted completes call to Robin)
Ted: Hello, Robin, it's Ted.
(Robin at dinner, answers phone)
Robin: Ted, for the last time, stop.
(Robin hears Ted screaming)
Robin: Ted!
(back to present scene at apartment, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit around living room)
Ted: You set me on fire.
Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed, this is a blend.
Ted: You set me on fire. And who's the girl in my bed?
(Barney looks at Lily and Marshall and Ted, stumbles over to Ted's room and peeks in, closes door and stumbles back to living room) Barney: There's a girl in your bed.
Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?
Barney: Who is she?
Ted: I have no idea.
Barney: Nice.
Ted: You really don't know who that is?
Barney: No, after I hosed you down with a beverage gun, I brought you back here.
Ted: I better not have gotten burned.
(Ted pulls up sleeves to check his skin, notices writing on his right arm)
Ted: Did any of you write that?
Lily: (reading what's on Ted's arm) Hi, I'm Ted, if lost, please call...Who's number is that?
Ted: I don't know.
Marshall: Dude, call it. Hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn.
(Marshall runs to kitchen)
(Marshall runs back from kitchen with bowl of popcorn)
Marshall: OK, you can call now. God, this is intense, I love it.
(Ted calls number on arm)
Guy: Hello.
Ted: Uh, hi, who is this?
Guy: You called me, who's this?
Ted: It's Ted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Carl on phone)
Carl: It's Carl, from the bar.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted on phone)
Future Ted VO: And then Carl filled us in.
(flashback to Barney putting Ted to bed)
Ted: Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer.
(Ted lies down)
Barney: Sleep it off, bra.
(Barney turns off light and closes down behind him)
(Ted enters MacLaren's)
Ted: I'm back, baby doll! Ted: And I am gonna throw up.
(Ted walks over to bathroom)
(back to present scene)
Ted: I threw up? My streak is over. Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good. Sorry, Carl, go on.
(flashback to Ted talking to Carl at bar)
Ted: Carl, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a vampire? Carl: I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon. Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we?
Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now.
Carl: Give me your arm.
(Ted puts arm on bar)
Carl: This way, if you pass out in the gutter...
(Carl writs on Ted's arm, Ted starts laughing)
Ted: That tickles.
Carl: Someone will call me and I will come get you.
Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it.
Carl: Excuse me?
Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call.
(Ted makes call on his cell phone)
Carl: Yeah, this'll go good.
Ted: Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together? Really? Great. Wait, really? Great.
(back to present scene)
Ted: Thanks Carl.
Ted: It's Robin. That's Robin in there.
Marshall: Did you guys?
(Barney puts up hand for high-five)
Barney: Oh come on. You've gotta give me this one. Those five shots got you farther with Robin than your brain ever did. See what happens when you don't think? You do! More importantly, you do Robin. Come on.
(Ted high-fives Barney)
Lily: All right, right over here.
(Lily and Ted high-five)
Ted: Still, what does this mean? Are we dating now? I mean, I never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's how it had to happen. I mean, think about it...
Barney: Someone get him a shot, he's thinking again.
Marshall: Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one. You and Robin went down this road before, you got dinged up pretty bad.
Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up.
Ted: Wake her up and say what?
Barney: Daddy's home.
(Ted limps over to his room)
Marshall: Good luck buddy.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted limps in, phone rings, Ted hurriedly answers it)
Ted: Hello.
(Robin in cab on phone)
Robin: Ted, it's Robin.
(Ted looks at girl lying in bed then looks at phone then back to girl, puts phone back to his ear)
Ted: Are you sure?
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted closes bedroom door behind him and walks over to living room)
Ted: Hey, Robin, how are you?
(Lily, Barney and Marshall look at each other)
(screen splits in two with living room scene on top half of screen, Robin in cab on phone on bottom half)
Robin: Ted, I think you and I should have a talk about those phone calls last night. Do you mind if I swing by?
(While Robin is talking, Lily, Barney, Marshall and Ted whisper to each other about girl in bed)
Marshall: Ask her about the pineapple.
Ted: Yeah, sure, come on over.
Robin: Thanks.
(Robin hangs up phone, full screen of apartment scene)
Ted: No, wait, don't, no.
(Ted hangs up phone)
Ted: She's coming over. Crap.
Lily: Wait, this is killing me. We have to find out who that girl is.
(Trudy walks into the living room)
Trudy: Trudy. My name is Trudy.
Future Ted VO: And then Trudy filled us in.
(flashback to previous evening at bar, Trudy sitting at booth with three girlfriends)
Trudy's friend: I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner.
Trudy: I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy I see.
(Barney walks over)
Barney: Daddy's home.
Trudy: Or the one after that.
Barney: OK, fair enough. I've got to prove a point to a friend, so you just gave me your number and your name is Amy.
(Barney takes out yellow paper and pen from inside jacket pocket, scribbles on paper)
Barney: Ladies.
(Barney puts pen back in his pocket and walks away)
(flash forward to Ted standing on table while singing)
Ted: I love everyone in this bar.
Trudy's friend: Look at that idiot go.
Trudy: He's kinda cute.
(Ted falls down and Trudy and her friends laugh)
(flash forward to Trudy washing her hands in the ladies room, Ted walks out of stall)
Ted: What are you doing in the men's room? What am I doing in the ladies' room? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.
Trudy: Did you?
Ted: I did not.
(back to present scene)
Ted: And the streak continues. Vomit-free since '93.
(Ted and Marshall high-five)
Ted: Sorry, Trudy, go on.
(flashback to Trudy and Ted in ladies room)
Trudy: I liked your performance.
Ted: What? The karaoke? Domo arigato.
Trudy: I wish I had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself.
Ted: Do it.
Trudy: I don't know. Still, I've had a pretty serious week. I could sure stand to do something stupid.
Ted: I'm something stupid, do me.
Trudy: You're funny.
Ted: Hey, can I call you sometime? Trudy: OK.
(Ted gets his phone out) Trudy: Here, let me.
(Trudy takes it and puts her phone number in)
Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of things I think about. Trudy: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.
Ted: That's hauntingly beautiful.
(Ted presses send and Trudy's phone rings)
Ted: Hey, it works.
Trudy: Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.
(Trudy walks out of ladies room)
(flash forward to Ted and Carl talking at bar)
Ted: I need to make one more call.
(Ted gets phone out, cut to Trudy sitting in back of cab, her phone rings and she answers)
Trudy: Hello.
(screen divides into two with Trudy talking on phone on left side, Ted on phone on right side)
Ted: Hey, it's me again.
Trudy: Hey.
Ted: Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life.
(back to present scene, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall listen to Trudy telling story in living room)
Trudy: So I came over here. And now I'm really, really embarrassed.
Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple? Sorry.
(knock on door)
Ted: Uh, Robin's here. Um, look, Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom.
(Ted grabs Trudy's hand and drags her to his room)
Trudy: Why, is that your girlfriend?
Ted: No, that's not my girlfriend. Look, it's complicated.
Trudy: You're married. Yeah, I can't believe I did this.
Ted: No, I'm not married. Um, I'll explain after you hide.
(Trudy goes into Ted's room, Ted goes over and opens front door)
Ted: Hi.
Robin: Hey guys.
Barney: Robin.
Lily: Hi Robin.
Barney: Top of the morning.
Ted: Um, sorry I kept calling you like that. I was very drunk.
Robin: No kidding. Those calls were really weird. Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.
Lily: Let's go get a snack.
(Lily stands up)
Marshall: I love to snack.
(Marshall stands up)
Barney: I'm good.
(Lily pulls Barney up, Marshall, Lily and Barney walk over to kitchen)
Ted: Come on, those calls weren't that weird.
(Robin clears her throat, gets her phone out of her purse, presses button and phone replays Ted's call to Robin)
Ted: (recording form phone) Robin! Come hang out! OK, I'm gonna make this sound until you come hang out.
(Ted makes weird sound)
Robin: That goes on for three-and a half minutes.
Ted: Without a breath? That's gotta be some kind of record.
Robin: Ted, you can't do this. Please, we're to be friends and now you're making it all confusing.
Ted: No I'm not. Look, I just turned off my brain for the night. Nothing's changed, you've moved on, I've moved on.
Robin: Really, you moved on?
Ted: Yes. What, you don't believe me?
(Robin exhales)
Ted: Oh, OK.
(Ted limps over to his room)
Ted: Trudy, come on out.
(Ted points to Robin) Ted: You are gonna laugh.
Robin: Wait, you were with someone last night? Ted: Yeah, Trudy, she's cool.
(Ted knocks on his bedroom door)
Ted: Trudy, come on out.
(Robin walks over to Ted)
Ted: Seriously, it's OK. This is so Trudy. She's really shy, I think.
(Ted opens door)
Ted: Trudy?
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Robin enter to find room empty, Robin walks over to pineapple)
Robin: Hi Trudy, I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you. You're right, she is shy.
Ted: I'm not making this up. She must have climbed out the fire escape.
(Robin looks at Ted incredulously)
Ted: Whatever, whatever. I don't care what you think.
Robin: Then why did you hide her from me? Ted: Wow, you're good. Did anyone ever tell you you should be on 60 Minutes?
Robin: Yes, you did, last night.
Ted: Really? Well.
Robin: Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night. And don't feel bad, I've woken up with worse.
(Robin walks out of his room, Ted sits down on bed and lies back)
Future Ted VO: I left Trudy a message but she never called me back. That's just how life works sometimes. You turn off your brain for a night, and all you're left with is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle.
(Ted looks at pineapple)
INT. APARTMENT
(Barney, Robin, Lily, Ted and Marshall sit around table eating pineapple)
Future Ted VO: Oh, and we never found out where that pineapple came from, but it was delicious.