ACT I
Scene 1 - KACL Frasier is finishing a segment.
Frasier: And we'll be right back after this short news break. Gil enters.
Gil: Frasier...I'm here to give you an advance tip.
Frasier: Really?
Roz enters from the booth.
Roz: Hey, Gil.
Gil: Roz! I'm about to review a divine new Italian trattoria I've discovered called "Bella, Bella."
Frasier: Ah-ha.
Gil: I'm alerting you now because once I review it, reservations will be impossible to come by.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Gil, it's always gratifying to be a few minutes ahead of a trend.
Gil: They make an osso bucco that's so divine I call it the "Veal Shank Redemption."
They give Gil a courtesy laugh. Kenny enters.
Kenny: Hey, guys.
Frasier: Hello, Kenny.
Kenny: Show's going great, Frasier, uh, only one thing missing, of course...
Frasier: I know, I know, a new theme song. I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Kenny: Well, Mrs. Delafield's been hounding me on this. She really thinks each show having a theme song will help hook the listeners. Gil's got his.
Gil: My first choice was "Food, Glorious Food" from the show Oliver!
Frasier: Ooh, that's a perfect match. Haute cuisine and a chorus of starving orphans.
Gil: But then, a composer friend of mine came up with this little ditty for me [He sings:] Whether choosing a wine Or the best place to dine-- It's all a matter of taste (Yes, sir!) It's all a matter of taste!
Kenny: Great, huh?
Frasier politely nods. The tune is as lame as the lyrics.
Gil: And the nicest thing is, he didn't take a penny for it!
Frasier: Well, at least he has a conscience.
He chuckles. Gil leaves, somewhat miffed.
Frasier: You know, Kenny, I'm sorry for procrastinating this thing. I-I tell you, I'll get one as soon as I possibly can.
Kenny: Well, you better come up with something here. I'm sorry to be a hard-ass. It's the part of my job I hate the most, but I need this thing on my desk by Monday...ish.
Kenny smiles and leaves.
Frasier: You know, Roz - hearing Gil's little ditty puts me in mind that maybe we should just do - ah, an original song.
Roz: Well, my new boyfriend Leon is in a band. He could write one for you.
Frasier: Well, actually, I was thinking of composing it myself. I am not without musical ability, you know.
Roz: Could you at least hire Leon to accompany you?
Frasier: I take it he's desperate for work?
Roz: Hasn't had a gig in months. Music is all he knows. He's not good at anything else - except in bed. It's what he does best.
Frasier: Yeah. How long did it take you to find that out?
Roz: [about the show] Ten seconds, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, longer than usual.
She returns to her booth and he replaces his headphones.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment He opens the door to Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Oh, dear. We had dinner plans tonight, didn't we?
Niles: Yes. Don't tell me you're canceling.
Frasier: Well, I have to. I have a little project this evening.
Niles: Oh. Would this have anything to do with this new theme song you promised your listeners?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, it does. I've got to have something by Monday, and I thought I'd take advantage of a nice quiet evening at home.
The loud sound of a vacuum is heard.
Frasier: Oh. Daphne - Daphne! Would you please turn off that vacuum cleaner?
Daphne enters with a fancy steam cleaner.
Daphne: It's not a vacuum cleaner. It's the "Dirt Scourge 2000." A total cleansing system.
Martin: [from his chair] Is it new?
Daphne: Yeah. I got it this afternoon. You see, this water traps all of the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air. I got all that [indicating] from Dr. Crane's pillow.
Niles examines the dirt.
Martin: Ew.
Niles: I've been begging you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.
Daphne: Well, it would be the same for anyone. Dead skin, dust mites... that's what we're all sleeping on, only we don't know it.
Martin: We do now. Geez.
Martin rises and exits toward the kitchen.
Daphne: This is the chance I've been waiting for.
She turns on the machine and begins to apply it to Martin's chair. The machine begins to audibly struggle, and the water in the tank immediately turns black and brackish. Niles and Frasier watch with concern. She has barely started when it suddenly shorts out, sparks flying in an electrical explosion. When the smoke clears, Daphne walks back to the main part of the cleaner.
Frasier: Well. Apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
Daphne: Well, this is going back. On the commercial they clean all the mud off a hippopotamus.
[She exits.]
Frasier: Well, at least now I can get down to work. You know, Niles, I'm sorry again about dinner, but can I buy you a sherry?
Niles: Oh... thank you. About this theme song of yours... why don't you just use a standard?
Frasier: Actually, I want to compose one myself. I've always had an affinity for music, and I've often wondered what I might achieve if I just rolled up my sleeves and gave it a try.
Martin: [re-entering] Didn't you write some kind of musical back in prep school?
Frasier: Yes, I did, Dad. Niles was in it. You know, the whole school came out humming my opening anthem.
Niles: They went in humming it. It was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony note for note.
Frasier: [over Niles] It was not.
Niles: It absolutely was.
Frasier: It was not at all.
Niles: [singing to the tune of the "Ode to Joy" theme from the finale of Beethoven's Ninth:] We are valiant men of honor Wenching, brawling sons of...
Frasier: All right, all right, well, I suppose I may have borrowed a Note or two as a launching pad.
Niles: [moving to the third, contrasting phrase of the Beethoven theme] Prancing, leaping, laughing...
Frasier: All right, point taken.
Niles: Over hill and...
Frasier: Stop it!
Niles: I'm just teasing. Actually, it was a wonderful show. I was very proud to be acting in it.
Frasier: You know, Niles, you were wonderful in it as well.
Niles: Well, thank you, I thought so.
Frasier: Mm-hmm.
Niles: I often thought if I'd kept at it, I could have been a professional actor.
Frasier: Ah, you see, we all have a road not taken, some unfinished business worth exploring.
Martin: Yeah, I always wanted to be a toe dancer, but a bullet ended my dream.
Frasier and Niles shake off the sarcasm.
Niles: Well, Frasier, if you need any help with this, I'm right here.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. You know, I'd rather handle the composing chores myself, but I could use a sounding board.
Niles: Fair enough, let's put our heads together.
Frasier: All right.
Niles: Figuratively speaking, of course. I saw what came out of your pillow.
They head back toward the piano.
[SCENE_BREAK]
A BRIDGE TOO FAR
Scene 3 - Later that night Niles plunks out some notes on the piano. Frasier is standing.
Niles: You know, I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Oh, absolutely.
He sings to a jaunty tune, beginning with the notes he had plunked and accompanying himself:
Niles: Claustrophobia Nymphomania He will probe ya He'll explain t'ya It's brilliant.
Frasier: You know, it does have a Cole Porter-y, Stephen Sondheim-y flavor, doesn't it?
Niles: Oh, absolutely. Sondheim-y would have killed to have written this.
Frasier: You know what? I'm a little nervous. It just may be a bit too conventional. Perhaps instead of a regular bridge, I could substitute it with a dramatic monologue spoken against a musical background.
Niles: [after a beat] I like it.
Frasier: Of course, I would have to hire an actor.
Niles: Yes, I suppose you could squander a lot of money on some so- Called professional... someone who doesn't know a thing about psychiatry. [reaching] Who doesn't understand the whole Gestalt.
Frasier: Or maybe you could do it.
Niles: I think so.
Frasier laughs and taps him on the shoulder.
Frasier: I will write you a speech that will challenge your entire histrionic range! This is so exciting! Let's play the chorus again.
Martin enters from his bedroom.
Martin: Hey, hey, Fras! I just got an idea for your little jingle. It came to me while I was brushing my teeth. [He sings:] What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Cause, you know, that's what you say on your show. Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' glad, feelin' bad I'm listenin'!
Daphne: [who has been seated at the dining table] Bravo! That's wonderful.
Martin: Thanks, you know, it's catchy. That's what counts in a jingle.
[N.B. Of interest: John Mahoney appeared on the Cheers episode "Do Not Forsake Me, O My Postman" as Sy Flembeck, a hapless jingle composer.]
Frasier: [politely] Uh-huh, well, that's very, very nice, Dad, it's just that, well, you know, I did promise my listeners that I'd compose this myself. It's no fair cheating.
Martin: Oh, well, it's not cheating, technically...
Frasier: [cutting him off] Very good, Dad, very good, but thank you, and off you go.
Martin: Okay, all right.
He exits.
Niles: Hey, um, Frasier, are you sure you want to modulate here? That may just complicate things.
Frasier: Perhaps. You know, I'm just trying to make it interesting. To my ear, there's still something lacking, some tiny ingredient that's missing. I'm not sure what.
Scene 4 - DISSOLVE to a rehearsal hall, where a full orchestra is tuning their instruments. Frasier stands on the conductor's podium.
Frasier: [tapping his baton] All right, everyone. Let's try this again. We still have a few minutes before the choir gets here.
He raises his baton and prepares to cue the opening.
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Scene 5 - The rehearsal hall The choir has arrived.
Frasier: Well, finally, the choir has deigned to join us.
Director: Sorry, our bus broke down. We had to walk two miles to get here.
Frasier: Ah, then I suppose we can dispense with the breathing exercises I was going to recommend. Please, if you would. [indicating the choir's risers behind the orchestra] Off you go.
Niles, who has been sitting in front of the orchestra, rises.
Niles: Uh, Frasier... did you mean to cut paragraph five of my monologue?
Frasier: Gosh, I might have, Niles. I've just been so busy. What was the gist?
Niles: A lighthearted lampoon of mental health care abuse.
Frasier: Ah, yes, I did. I was afraid that some fussbudget might take offense at my jape about lobotomies.
Niles: Well, I suppose it's best to play it safe, although I did Like the way you indicated manic depression with a slide whistle.
Frasier laughs. Niles looks back at the orchestra.
Niles: Do we really have to use so many musicians?
Frasier: For the sound I want, yes.
Niles: Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
Frasier: Ah, but if less is more, just think of how much more "more" will be.
Niles stares at him quizically.
Frasier: You may be seated. Niles takes his seat.
Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention, please, I'd like to take a few minutes to explain my artistic vision.
Timpanist: Take as long as you want, we're all on the clock.
Frasier: Point well taken, moving right along...
Roz enters quickly with her boyfriend Leon.
Roz: Frasier...I'm sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic. Some stupid bus broke down. This is Leon.
Leon looks like a starving folk-type musician, with long hair and a scruffy beard.
Frasier: Ah, hello, Leon.
Leon: Hey, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: [shaking his hand] Lovely to meet you. Listen, why don't you help yourself to the refreshment table there. I need to have a few words with Roz.
Leon moves away.
Frasier: Roz, we've got a problem! In scoring this, I had to eliminate the guitar part.
Roz: Well, put it back.
Frasier: Well, I can't. I'm afraid another instrument might make Things sound cluttered... unless, of course, Leon can play the bagpipe.
Roz: The bagpipe?
Frasier: Yes! Our show deals with a whole range of human emotion from euphoria to despair, and nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Roz: Nothing says "Turn off the radio" so quickly either. Isn't there something else he can play?
Frasier: Well, uh... yes, yes! Actually, our triangle player called in with a touch of tinnitus. Here we are.
Leon returns.
Frasier: Leon, I have some good news for you. I had to eliminate the Guitar part, but I'm promoting you to first triangle.
He hands him the triangle and its beater.
Leon: Uh, I've never played one of these. It looks tricky. Frasier stares agape at Roz.
Roz: I'll work with him.
Frasier: Yes, off you go.
They move to the percussion section.
Frasier: Well, then, now people, before we start, are there any questions?
The principal violist raises her hand.
Frasier: Yes, viola.
Tiffany: My name is Tiffany.
Frasier: No, no no. I'm calling you by your instrument name, so as to avoid confusion.
Tiffany: Oh, well I have a question about measure 34...
Frasier: Ah... I thought you might. Yes, you see, I've accelerated the tempo there in order to depict the yearning of the superego. Very perceptive of you to spot that.
Tiffany: No, I meant, are these eighth notes or what?
Frasier: [miffed] Yes... eighth notes. Anyone else?
The timpanist raises his hand.
Frasier: Yes, timpani?
Tiffany: You just answered my question.
Frasier: Not Tiffany, timpani.
Timpanist: What are we rehearsing this for? Are we going to record it?
Frasier: Yes, actually, we are waiting for the final go-ahead from my station manager, and then we will be recording it, yes. Anyone else?
Niles raises his hand.
Frasier: Yes... actor.
Niles: I'm just wondering how my monologue is going to be audible over all these instruments.
Frasier: Oh, that's a good point, Niles. [beat] You may be seated. [after Niles sits] It is imperative that everyone play [pianissimo] during the spoken portions - very, very softly. That applies particularly to brass and timpani.
Tiffany: Why me?
Frasier: [incredulous at her dimness] To the drums, Tiffany.
Martin and Daphne enter.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, Daphne, I'm so glad you came! He embraces them.
Daphne: Oh, well, after all, it is the world premiere of your theme song.
Frasier: Now, I don't have to search you two for any hidden recording devices, do I? The last thing I need is some bootleg CD's flooding the marketplace.
Martin: Boy, you really got everything here!
Frasier: Oh, it's not a time for stinting, Dad. I've got everything from the African rain stick to the Javanese tam-tam.
Martin: [at the refreshment table] Are the tam-tams the long ones with the cream in the middle?
Kenny enters.
Frasier: Oh, Kenny, Kenny! I'm so glad you made it. Listen, I think you're in for a bit of a surprise.
Kenny: Well, I gotta tell you, I don't surprise easily. [seeing the orchestra] Whoa!
Frasier: Our little ensemble. Heh-heh.
Kenny: So many musicians... all working on a weekend.
Kenny checks his watch.
Frasier: Now, listen, I realize that we are a bit over budget, and I promise, I will pick up the difference myself.
Kenny sits.
Frasier: All right. The time has come to unveil my magnum opus. Just Let me do a little fine-tuning on the opening fanfare.
He moves to the podium.
Frasier: Uh, brass, if you will please, in four, the first measure?
Frasier beats out a preparatory measure in 4/4. The trumpets play a very conventional fanfare flawlessly.
Frasier: Well, you see, that's fine as far as it goes, but this time I want you to do it with a bit more... grandeur. With some majesty and a soupcon of awe.
The trumpets play the fanfare exactly as before. Frasier turns to Kenny, Martin, Daphne, and Roz, who are seated behind him.
Frasier: There, you see. That's what good conducting can do. Kenny gets a puzzled, concerned, incredulous look on his face.
Frasier: All right, everyone. The time we have been waiting for is at hand. And with a simple bow of thanks to the muse Calliope, let us begin. And...
The four audience members exchange a look of incredulity, not knowing what to expect. The maestro raises his baton, and we hear his magnum opus.
He conducts a preparatory measure again, and the trumpets play the fanfare. This is followed by the strings, who settle into a conventional broadway-style vamp that doesn't seem to "fit" the preceding fanfare. After a harp glissando, the first chorus is then presented by three soloists and the choir.
CHORUS 1
Soloist 1: (tenor) Who can you turn to for prompt diagnosis?
Soloist 2: (soprano) A fetish or fantasy
Soloist 3: (bass) s*x or psychosis
Soloist 1: No problem at all, let us handle your call
Choir: (unison) On our show! On our show!
Prominent drum beats accompany "On our show!" Martin exchanges a glance with Daphne and Roz.
CHORUS 2
Soloist 2: Bring us your traumas, your latent neurosis
Soloist 1: Erectile disfunction (the "r" prominently rolled)
Soloist 3: Bed-wetting narcosis
Soloist 1: There's no need for shame, you can use a false name
Choir: (unison) On our show! On our show!
Frasier is delighted with the performance thus far. The orchestra now settles down to a suspenseful and quietly sustained chord. The musical material of the choruses is very clichéd Broadway/Disney-style fare, so the suspenseful film-score background chords and the overly dramatic delivery of Niles's following monologue is extremely incongruous:
Niles: [rising] Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind?
A percussion player draws a string bow across a metal object, producing an unpleasant whining sound. The orchestra changes harmonies to a higher chord. Frasier marks time with dramatic baton gestures as he prepares to cue the harmonic changes.
Niles: What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious?
Another percussionist drags something across a gong, producing another unpleasant sound.
Niles: Lurid images!
Another harmonic shift upward comes with Niles's words, which are followed by the shaking of a circus-style rattle/whistle.
Niles: Lewd desires!
Yet another chord shift with Niles's line, followed by a slide whistle, which presumably illustrates the "lewd desires."
Niles: Guilty pleasures!
A chord shift with Niles again, and a "grunting" sound from the orchestra.
Niles: Strange compulsions!
One more harmonic shift with Niles, followed by a dissonant trombone splat. Niles, startled, stares at the trombone player. The strings then play a quick rising transitional passage, leading to a suspenseful high note.
Niles: The whole catalogue of human behavior from the aberrant to the monstrous lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key!
A huge beat of the gong (tam-tam), which startles the others, Particularly Martin... and then a harp glissando leads us back seamlessly to the broadway-style chorus music. Niles sits, grinning broadly.
CHORUS 3
Soloist 1: (tenor) So if you are stymied to find a prognosis
Soloist 2: (soprano)And ask yourself, just like Freud:
Soloist 3: (bass) "Himmel, was los ist?"
Frasier is particularly delighted with the German line.
Soloist 1: Stop scratching your head, let us cure it instead Daphne and Roz chuckle.
Choir: (unison) On our show! On our show!
The little instrumental riff before "On our show!" is different in the three choruses. The following coda sounds as if it has been directly lifted from "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins."
CODA
Choir: (single note)Now here is the man to explain The tortured terrain of your brain The man who feels everyone's pain... Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane! Frasier Crane!!
The choir finally harmonizes on the last "Crane." Leon's triangle has been featured prominently in the last shouts of "Dr. Crane." The final chord is drawn out in another broadway cliché, and after the cutoff, Leon provides a final triangle beat. Frasier lowers his baton, extremely proud of his opus.
[N.B. The piece can be heard on the "Frasier" soundtrack CD.]
Roz: [the only person applauding] Way to go, Leon!
Daphne begins to applaud with hesitation. Martin is mystified. Kenny has an indescribable look of amazement and sits motionless.
Frasier: Well, Kenny. What's your reaction?
Kenny's facial expression remains frozen and he is motionless. Finally:
Kenny: [hushed] Wow.
Frasier: Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
Kenny: [again] Wow.
Frasier: I thought as much, and in anticipation of your approval, I had the forethought to order in a little bubbly. Niles, if you would help me, please?
Niles joins Frasier and they run toward a backstage room, delighted.
Frasier: [to Niles] Oh, you were wonderful!
Niles: Thank you, the trombone frightened me.
They exit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kenny: [again, the same] Wow.
Martin: Well that was sure something, wasn't it?
Daphne: I'll say. Sort of like Gilbert and Sullivan - only frightening.
Kenny: A little jingle, that's all we wanted. Yeah, ten seconds to start the show.
Roz: [trying to mediate] Well, maybe Frasier can cut this down...
Kenny: [cutting her off] He gives me harps and drums and... people speaking German. All we wanted was a simple little jingle.
Martin rises and gets some refreshments.
Daphne: Probably more like the one you came up with. Tell him yours, Mr. Crane.
Martin: No, no, no, it was nothing. I can't even remember how it goes.
Daphne: Well, I do. [singing:] How are you? I'm listen...
Martin: No, it doesn't go like that.
Kenny: Well, then you sing it, Mr. Crane.
Martin: Well, all right... but it's really nothing.
He moves in front of them and sings his jingle:
Martin: What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' bad, feelin' glad I'm listenin'!
Kenny: That's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for!
Frasier and Niles re-enter over Kenny's speech.
Kenny: You know, it sets the mood, it - it says it all. Did that just pop into your head?
Frasier: [coming up behind him and handing him a glass] Hardly. It was gut-wrenching, but you know, it's nice to know that I made it look easy.
He continues to hand out glasses of champagne.
Kenny: No, no, no. I'm talking about your dad's little jingle. Martin beams.
Frasier: [taken aback] Dad's?
Kenny: Yeah, he just sang it. It's exactly the type of thing we need. You know, simple, catchy...you know, we ought to just use that one.
Martin seems okay with this.
Frasier: No, no, Kenny, no. I mean, if simple is what you wanted, you should have just said so.
Kenny: I thought I did.
Frasier: Well, obviously not. Now that I know what you want, well, there's nothing easier. Of course I can write simple. I promise you, it'll be something far more memorable than what my dad came up with.
Kenny: Well, I don't know, I remember it...sings What's new? I'm listenin'
Some of the choir members, including the soloists and director, take up the jingle.
Choir: Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' bad, feelin' glad I'm listenin'!
Frasier: [indignant and humiliated] You're off the clock!
He exits in a huff.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IT'S WHY GERSHWIN'S TEETH WERE IMMACULATE
Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment He is seated at the piano playing some ornate classical-style improvisation. He breaks it off and plunks out the last two lines of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." He places his head in his hand in frustration. Martin enters in his robe.
Martin: Hey, Fras. How's it goin'?
Frasier: "Merrily, merrily."
Martin: Well, you know, it's getting kind of late. Maybe you should call it a night, huh?
Frasier: Dad, you heard Kenny. I have to come up with something as simple as yours by Monday. By the way, thanks once again for completely upstaging me today.
Martin: Oh, come on, I'm sorry I stole your thunder, but it's not like I did it on purpose.
Frasier: I know. I know. I'm sorry. It's just... I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.
Martin: Well... maybe you're just thinking too much. I mean, look at me. I go to the bathroom, I'm flossing my teeth, and that song pops into my head.
Martin sits at the dining table.
Frasier: Are you suggesting that I bring out a spool of floss?
Martin: Well, it might not be a bad idea, for a couple of reasons.
Frasier joins him at the table.
Martin: Frasier, why don't you just decide what you want to say and Say it? Not a lot of big words and showing off. You know, and the tune should be something simple - something you can whistle. I tried whistling that thing you wrote today, and I got lightheaded. Of course, it might have been that last doughnut. I went back for one of those African rainsticks. Ooh...
He gestures with mild disgust.
Frasier: The truth is, Dad, I've... I'm not sure I can do simple.
Martin: Well, I don't know if you can't or if you just don't want to. And you know, some of the best things in the world are simple, Fras. Just like that art gallery you took me to a couple of months ago. Do you remember? You were oohing and ahhing at this painting of a big red dot.
Frasier: Yeah, Dad, but there is a difference between simple and deceptively simple.
Martin: Well, all I'm saying is that it's fine to be smart, but you shouldn't have to be proving it all the time, that's all. You know, just as an experiment, tell me what it is you're trying to say stripped down to nuts and bolts.
Frasier: All right, um... in my first stanza, I want to represent myself as the... ombudsman between the conscious and subconscious minds of my listeners.
Martin: Ah. Well, there you are, that's the song right there. All we need is a rhyme for "ombudsman" and we can go to bed.
Frasier: Well, I was playing around with "north woodsman."
Martin laughs gently.
Martin: Oh, Frasier. Look, I'm going to tell you what your show's
about: People have a problem, they're feeling low, they call you, you make them feel better.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Martin: Well, that's it! That's it. Why don't you just write about that?
Frasier: How would that sound exactly? [He recites:] If you've got a problem If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers... Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck. How will I ever find a rhyme for "low"?
Martin: Okay, smart-aleck. I was just trying to help.
Frasier: Well, thanks, Dad. I'm sorry, you know, it's just not my thing.
Martin: Okay, well, I'm going to bed. So, if you need any help tomorrow, all you got to do is ask.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad.
Martin exits toward his bedroom. Frasier returns to the piano, waits until he is gone, and sits. He begins to plunk out a catchy melody and sings to it:
Frasier: If you've got a problem... If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers...
Martin: [completing the verse rhyme and tune from offstage:] Things you need to know
Frasier looks up, mildly indignant. FADE immediately to...
Scene 7 - KACL We hear a catchy introduction, and then then Frasier's tune, sung in Andrews Sisters-style harmony by a group of female vocalists. Kenny, Roz, and Frasier are leaning over the desk listening to the recorded song.
Vocalists: If you've got a problem If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers Things you need to know, All you've got to do is ask (tempo slows) All you've got to do is ask.
A triangle dings to end the song. Frasier, Kenny, and Roz have been bouncing to the catchy jingle, and Frasier is proud of it, simple as it is.
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF ACT II
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier turns on his stereo and takes out his baton. He begins to conduct. Eddie enters and sits on Martin's chair. Eddie begins to "sing" and Frasier continues to conduct. Eddie seems to respond to the baton. Frasier is delighted and continues to beat time.


Act 1 Scene 1 - An Airliner
[Fade in. Lilith is sitting in first class reading a magazine. The man next to her (Albert) glances nervously at the window, then reaches across her to close the shade.]
Albert: Sorry. I'm a nervous flyer.
Lilith: Yes, I see. Oh, you're white as a sheet.
Albert: No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.
Lilith: I can empathize. Sometimes after a late night, I covered my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper. So are you traveling to Seattle for business or pleasure?
Albert: Both, hopefully. I'm relocating for work. How about you?
Lilith: I need to ask an old friend for a favor.
Albert: It's a long trip just to ask for a favor.
Lilith: It's a big favor.
Albert: Well I hope your friend complies.
Lilith: It'll take some work, but I'll get what I want.
[A flight attendant comes up.]
Attendant: Oh, dear, you two look awfully pale. Can I bring you something?
Lilith: Not unless you have any extra melanin lying around.
[She leaves as Albert laughs.]
Albert: You should be a comedian.
Lilith: I've thought about it.
[She goes back to her reading. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Martin is walking from the kitchen to his chair. When he hears keys in the door, he sets his beer down and hurries towards the bedroom. The door opens and Frasier comes in.]
Frasier: Dad? Dad, Dad! What? Are you hiding?
Martin: I heard the key in the door, I thought Lilith might be with you. What's she coming for anyway?
Frasier: Well, I don't really know. She said she was flying across the country to ask me about something that was important. She's being very mysterious about it.
[He hangs up his coat as the doorbell rings.]
Martin: Is that her?
Frasier: Well, no. No, Dad, I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.
Martin: Well, let me know when she's coming, will you, so I can come up with an excuse to clear out. Because I'm not good at winging it.
[Frasier opens the door. It is Lilith.]
Frasier: Oh, Lilith. Hi. Look who's here, Dad.
Lilith: Hello, Martin.
[Martin smiles nervously, then glances at his watch.]
Martin: Oh, time to go... practice my signature.
[He heads for the bedrooms.]
Frasier: Please, come on in, Lilith. So, I didn't think I was going to be seeing you 'til tomorrow.
Lilith: Yes, I know that was the plan, but I just had to stop by on my way to the hotel. What I'm here to talk to you about is not something one just drops on another person. [gesturing for him to sit] Please.
[He sits down.]
Lilith: [sitting beside him] Frasier, recently a subconscious yearning has tunneled its way to the surface and I now know what it is I need in order to make my life complete.
Frasier: Well, that's wonderful news. How can I help?
Lilith: You can give me your sperm.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Lilith: I want to have another baby.
Frasier: Well, you certainly don't need me for that. Surely... someone in Boston must have sperm.
Lilith: I came to you first so that Frederick could have a full sibling.
Frasier: So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
Lilith: No, not just like that. I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws, allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
Frasier: I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin'.
Lilith: Frasier, don't misunderstand, I'm not proposing any change in our relationship.
Frasier: Would we... sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
Lilith: Natural fertilization is impractical. I'd have to fly to Seattle every time I ovulate.
Frasier: [getting up] Right, okay. So, then your plan is for me to visit some local doctor, freeze my essence and then bring it home with you.
Lilith: Correct. I'll take mine to go.
[Frasier sits on the arm of Martin's chair.]
Frasier: I don't know. I'm going to have to think about it.
Lilith: [rising] Yes, of course, absolutely. Think about it, and you can give me your answer tomorrow.
[She heads for the door, Frasier follows.]
Frasier: Okay.
Lilith: You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
Martin: [from around the corner] Good night, Lilith.
Lilith: Good night.
[She leaves.]
Frasier: You were eavesdropping?
[Martin comes into the living room.]
Martin: It was an accident and I only heard the part about her wanting to have another baby with you.
Frasier: She completely threw me.
[Martin settles into his chair.]
Martin: Well, I don't know why you're so surprised. She's seen what the Crane genes can do and she's coming back to the well.
Frasier: How does one respond to something like that?
Martin: Well, I bet if you say "No" she'll go to Niles.
Frasier: Really, it's just so self-centered. I mean, she's got this all figured out for herself without the slightest consideration for my life.
Martin: And Niles'll say "No" for sure. Which means only one thing. [He gets a worried look.] She'll come to the source. Me. The fountainhead.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles AND Freddie.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.
[Frasier just waves this off as he heads to his room. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa
[Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table. Niles walks in.]
Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Did Daphne and her mom get off okay?
Niles: [sitting down] Yes. They picked up Roz and Alice an hour ago. Although, how they're going to get all the way to Canada without killing each other, I don't know.
Frasier: Why did they have to go so far?
Niles: Well, that was my idea. I read that Canadian Fun Country is one of the best amusement parks in southeastern British Columbia.
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you know. If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes people have a hard time getting back into the country.
Niles: [deadpan] That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.
[N.B. Niles no doubt recalls the family trip in [1.21.], "Travels With Martin," in which the Cranes strayed over the border before Daphne's green card had come through, and they had to smuggle her back posing as an American.]
Frasier: Well, seeing as how you're single, I'd invite you to join me for dinner, but I'm meeting with Lilith tonight on a matter of some delicacy.
Niles: Dad told me. Now listen, don't feel obligated because she's buying you dinner.
Frasier: Truth be told, Niles, I hadn't ruled it out entirely. It would be nice to have another child. And Lilith is a wonderful mother. It's just that, well, is it right to create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn't stand being married?
Niles: Well, I'm behind you whatever decision you make, the right one or the crazy one.
Frasier: Thank you.
[Niles calls out to the passing Barista.]
Niles: Excuse me, may I have an espresso?
[The waiter nods and heads off. Frasier notices an envelope Niles brought in.]
Frasier: What have you got here?
Niles: Oh, some snapshots from last summer at the beach. Daphne finally got them developed.
[He shows them to Frasier who starts chuckling.]
Frasier: Oh, there's Dad eating that hot dog he dropped in the sand. And you, in your linen beach ensemble.
Niles: Very nice, yes. Well that's strange. Daphne said I'd particularly like the last picture on the roll but what is it?
Frasier: It's hard to tell, it's too dark and blurry.
Niles: Looks like the eye of Jupiter.
Frasier: Or a slice of pepperoni
Niles: Is it a flying saucer?
Frasier: Yes, Niles, it's a flying saucer. Mystery solved, well done.
[The Barista brings Niles's coffee over and sees the photo.]
Barista: Hey, where'd you get the nipple shot?
Frasier: Good lord!
[Frasier and Niles look again in shock, then Niles clutches the photo to his chest.]
Niles: You are to erase that from your mind.
Frasier: Is it Daphne?
Barista: Nice.
Niles: You're not erasing! Erase!
[The Barista heads off as Niles points a warning finger at Frasier. Fade out.]
Scene 4 - Daphne's Car
[Fade in. Daphne is driving, with Roz next to her and Alice and Gertrude in the back.]
Roz: I need to stop again.
Daphne: We just stopped. I told you not to get that Big Gulp.
Roz: But it was only ten cents more.
Alice: Punch buggy blue!
[She hits Gertrude on the arm.]
Gertrude: Ow! Dammit!
Daphne: Language!
Gertrude: Why does she keep doing that?
Roz: It's a game.
Gertrude: It hurts.
Daphne: All right, mum.
Roz: There's a gas station right there, I really need to stop.
Daphne: I can't get over, you'll have to wait.
Roz: But according to this, my bladder is holding "Thirsty-Two" ounces of soda.
Daphne: It's only forty miles.
Alice: Punch buggy red.
[She hits Gertrude on the arm.]
Gertrude: Oh! Son of a...!
Daphne: Language!
Roz: Alice, honey. Stop hitting Mrs. Moon. She can't take the punch buggy game.
Gertrude: Oh, really? Punch buggy white!
[She knuckles Roz on the shoulder.]
Roz: Ow! It was a Jeep!
Gertrude: I play the Jeeps. And Ford. Punch buggy Ford.
[She whacks Roz on the head.]
Roz: Ow!
[Roz turns around to get her back.]
Daphne: All right, that's enough. You stop it or no one's going to Canadian Fun Country. And this time I mean it!
[They go for a minute in silence, then Gertrude screams and points, startling screams from everyone else.]
Gertrude: I'm sorry. I thought you were on the wrong side of the road. I will never get used to the crazy way you drive over here.
Daphne: Mum, you have to stop doing that.
Roz: Daphne, you seem stressed. Do you want me to drive for a while?
Daphne: Maybe once we get out of Seattle.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 5 - A Restaurant
[Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are sitting at a table looking over menus.]
Lilith: Frasier, I don't want to rush you, but the suspense is too much to bear. Have you decided?
Frasier: I'm thinking about the linguini.
Lilith: I see. It's "No," then, isn't it?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Lilith. This was a very difficult decision for me and I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I'm not sure I'd be doing it for the right reason. You understand, don't you?
Lilith: Yes, I do. And I appreciate your taking the time to think about it. It's that kind of consideration I was hoping to pass on to our second born. Oh, well. So, the pasta is good here?
Frasier: Oh, the best.
[She glances at the menu some more, then begins to quietly sing to the tune of the "Ode to Joy" chorus of Beethoven's 9th.]
Lilith: My dad is the gweatest dad because he cooks me Cweam of Wheat...
Frasier: [glaring at her] Lilith, what are you singing?
Lilith: Was I singing?
Frasier: You were singing "My Dad Is the Gweatest Dad."
Lilith: Oh, you mean that song Frederick wrote for you when he was four.
Frasier: That video is one of my prized possessions. Of course I haven't looked at it in some time.
Lilith: I remember the night we surprised you with it. He crawled up in your lap and said "Why is Daddy cwying?"
Frasier: I see what you're doing, you know.
Lilith: What?
Frasier: You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful emotional memories.
Lilith: I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
[A waiter comes up.]
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Lilith: Yes. I'll have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Waiter: Mmm. Very good Miss.
Lilith: That's what our son used to say when he was three.
Waiter: Excellent.
Frasier: And I'll have the veal.
Waiter: Bravo, sir.
[He takes the menus and heads away.]
Frasier: Lilith, I'm afraid you're idealizing parenthood. Do you remember colic, teething, changing mountains of diapers?
Lilith: Do you remember that time in the bath when he tried to eat the bubbles? We told him to stop, but we kept laughing so he thought it was funny and kept doing it.
Frasier: You know, I'd forgotten that. Oh, I wish we had that on video.
[She grabs his hand.]
Lilith: You can, Frasier. We can have those days back again. Please, I just need is a couple of teaspoons.
Frasier: Lilith!
Lilith: Just think about what Frederick has meant in our lives.
Frasier: I think about it every day.
Lilith: Frasier, we're always seeking ways we can leave a legacy. Well, forget my research and your work, this is it! What better gift can we bestow on the world but another person as wonderful as Frederick?
[Frasier signals the waiter passing by.]
Frasier: Excuse me, I've changed my mind. I've decided that I too will have the basgetti and beatmalls.
[Lilith looks up at him, grateful. Fade out.]
End of Act 1
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act 2 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa
[Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is getting juice at the counter.]
Frasier: Thank you.
[He comes over to join Niles]
Frasier: Gosh, that coffee smells so good. Lilith won't let me have any caffeine until I've made my little donation.
[He sits down.]
Niles: Of course.
Frasier: So, have you heard from Daphne?
Niles: No, we keep missing each other. I'm just glad I have our little... pictorial memento to keep me company.
Frasier: I can't believe you're so taken with that blurry, over-exposed photo of a...
Niles: Shh!!
Frasier: Of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer!
Niles: I just think it's sexy that she even did it. Just imagine
it: she saw that there was one picture left on the roll, and in a spontaneous moment of brazen exhibitionism, she threw open her blouse and didn't even bother to adjust the f-stop. Yes indeed, I am married to one spicy meatball.
[He opens his jacket and checks the picture.]
Frasier: Good lord! Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
Niles: Well, I didn't want the housekeeper to find it and think we were pornographers.
[Frasier just takes this in stride. Fade out.]
SOME MAGAZINES, A SPECIMEN CUP,
AND A RECORDING OF
"TRISTAN UND ISOLDE"
Scene 2 - The Fertility Clinic
[Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are checking in.]
Nurse: Just fill out these forms and I can show you to one of our donation suites.
[Fraser takes a clipboard and he and Lilith sit. As he fills out the form, the man across from him glances up.]
Man: Will this be your first?
Frasier: No, I've been doing this since I was twelve.
[Lilith kicks him gently.]
Frasier: You mean baby. No, no, this is our second.
Man: We've got number four on the way.
Lilith: And we're thrilled for you, but perhaps we could chat some other time when we're not trying to create life. [to Frasier] Sign and date.
Frasier: Right.
[He finishes up the form and Lilith takes it back to the window.]
Man: This process can be hard on a relationship, but she'll relax and things'll get better.
Frasier: We're already divorced.
Man: Good, 'cause she'll never change.
[The man's wife slaps him on the shoulder at this. Lilith comes back.]
Lilith: Up and at 'em.
[He gets up.]
Nurse: Follow me, sir.
[She leads him to a room.]
Nurse: Just go in and make yourself comfortable. You'll find everything you need in the cabinet.
Frasier: Thank you.
[He starts in, but Lilith stops him.]
Lilith: Oh, wait Frasier. It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Frasier: Thanks for that. I was going to think about the plight of the American Indian.
Lilith: I'm just saying we should put the welfare of the sample first.
[He goes into the room and closes the door. Lilith turns away, then turns back and taps on the door.]
Frasier: [from inside] Yes?
Lilith: And don't fall asleep afterwards, I want to get these puppies on ice ASAP.
Frasier: Goodbye now.
[She starts away, but turns back again, tapping on the door.]
Lilith: Just a hint...
Frasier: Lilith! If there is ONE thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it! Now go away.
[She heads back to the seats.]
Nurse: Right this way.
[She leads the other couple off as Lilith sits down and dials her cell phone. A cell phone rings in Frasier's donation suite. He yanks the door open, furious.]
Frasier: What?!
Lilith: I just remembered a special method which supposedly increases the likelihood of having a boy.
Frasier: I see. Is there something I can do to increase the likelihood that we won't have a meddling control freak?
Lilith: No, but perhaps you can use a method that will give us a baby that can take other people's advice.
Frasier: I would settle for a method where it won't turn out to be a sarcastic prig!
Lilith: Oh, just do it!
Frasier: Fine!
Lilith: Wait, I don't want you to do it when you're mad. Why don't we just take a minute to sit down and breathe?
Frasier: It's your dime.
[He comes out and sits down beside her.]
Frasier: Oh, dear God. What if this child inherits all of our flaws instead of our strengths? We could create a real nightmare.
Lilith: That's not going to happen. It's going to be exactly the way it was the first time.
Frasier: Is that what's going on here? Are we trying to create a baby or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick's almost grown now, it's only natural to feel a sense of loss.
Lilith: Frasier, don't be simplistic.
Frasier: No, Lilith, I know what you're going through. You want to feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother. The past can be very seductive. I mean, I've fallen into it
too: I'm trying to relive Freddie's childhood. You can't use the past to fill what's missing in the present. It's gone.
Lilith: Frasier, I've done a lot of thinking and this feels right to me.
Frasier: But it's not right for me. I'm sorry.
Lilith: I'm sorry too.
[They get up and hug.]
Frasier: You all right?
Lilith: I'm fine. If I can't make anther little Frederick with you, there's always cloning.
[Frasier's jaw drops.]
Lilith: And you still don't know when I'm joking.
Frasier: I, well, I...
[He grabs his coat.]
Frasier: Lilith, what are you going to do now?
Lilith: Well, I'm going to go home and give Frederick a very big hug.
[She opens the door.]
Lilith: And maybe swab the inside of his cheek.
Frasier: Oh, stop that!
[They head out. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Martin is in his chair, eating a snack. Niles comes in the front.]
Niles: Oh, you already ate. I was gonna take you to Bogart's.
Martin: Bogart's? [putting the dish down] Oh, don't worry about that, I was just eatin' it because it was here. I wasn't eatin' it to get full. Just give me two minutes.
[He gets up and heads for his room. As Niles sits on the couch his cell phone rings and he answers.]
Niles: Hello?
Daphne: [voice over] Oh, Niles, darling.
Niles: Daphne!
[Cut to - Daphne and the others in her car.]
Daphne: I thought I'd never reach you. We were booted from the park and are coming home. It seems someone put out a cigarette on a stuffed moose.
Gertrude: I didn't know it was stuffed, I was defending myself.
Niles: [v.o.] I loved those pictures you left for me.
[Cut to - Niles on the couch.]
Niles: More specifically, the last one.
[He pulls it out of his pocket.]
Daphne: [v.o.] Something a little different, eh?
Niles: Indeed it is. I can't even believe you took it.
[Cut to - Daphne.]
Daphne: I didn't take it, your father did.
[Cut to - Niles.]
Niles: No, I don't think so. I'm talking about the last picture on the roll, the close-up.
[Cut to - Daphne.]
Daphne: Yeah. You're father was trying to get a picture of Eddy, but instead he got a picture of his own chest.
[Cut to - Niles looking troubled.]
Niles: This is Dad's...?
[Cut to - Daphne.]
Daphne: That's his nipple.
[Cut to - Niles looking horrified. Martin comes in as Niles slowly rises.]
Martin: Oh, I can't wait to get to Bogart's. I know just what I'm
going to get: the barbecue chicken breast. They have the juiciest one in town. Or, or the lamb. They serve an enormous rack.
Niles: [flustered] Great.
Martin: You might want to get an overcoat of Frasier's out of there. It's supposed to be pretty nippy tonight.
[Niles, troubled, grabs the coat. Frasier comes in.]
Frasier: Oh, hi Dad. Where are you going?
Martin: Oh, Niles is here. We're just going out for a bite. You want to join us?
Frasier: Sure.
Martin: So, how's Lilith?
Frasier: I just dropped her off at the airport. She's disappointed, but she knows that we're doing the right thing.
Martin: Well, for what it's worth, I think you are too, son.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I just hope she finds what's missing in her life.
[Dissolve to - Lilith on the airplane, looking out the window. Someone approaches.]
Albert: Hey, pasty.
[She looks up and sees the man who was sitting next to her when she flew in to Seattle.]
Lilith: Oh, hello.
Albert: May I?
Lilith: Yes, certainly.
[He sits down.]
Lilith: What happened? I thought you were relocating to Seattle.
Albert: Oh, it wasn't a fit. I'm going back to Boston. I don't know, call me neurotic, I just can't work in a lab that's not immaculate.
Lilith: You work in a lab?
Albert: Mm-hmm. I'm a physicist.
Lilith: Really?
[She looks at him speculatively.]
Lilith: My name's Lilith.
[They shake hands.]
Albert: Ah, the demon-goddess. Are you like the independent fireball that was your predecessor?
Lilith: I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.
Albert: Albert.
[They shake hands again.]
Albert: What happened with your friend? Did you get your favor?
Lilith: It's a long story.
Albert: Well, it's, it's a long flight.
[She smiles at him and settles in to talk. Fade out.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is at Frasier's apartment, glancing around furtively. He pulls the photo out of his pocket and reels from the image of what he's been fantasizing over, falling into Martin's chair, then reeling away from it. He does an antsy little dance, then tears the photo up. He walks into the kitchen and throws it away. Martin is busy at the counter and turns around, holding up two plates with white scoops of ice cream with cherries on top. He offers one to Niles who just turns and marches away. Martin shrugs reflectively and turns back with a "more for me" smile on his face.


1.16 - Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers teleplay by John Stephens and Linda Loiselle Guzik story by Joan Binder Weiss
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
(Miss Patty narrates a story in the background as the camera pans around town as locals prepare for a festival.)
MISS PATTY: This, boys and girls, is the story of true love. A beautiful girl from one county; a handsome boy from another. They meet and they fall in love. Separated by distance and by parents who did not approve of the union, the young couple dreamed of a day that they could be together. They wrote each other beautiful letters. Letters of longing and passion. Letters full of promises and plans for the future. Soon the separation proved too much for either one of them to bear. So, one night, cold and black with no light to guide them, they both snuck out of their homes and ran away as fast as they could. It was so dark out that they were both soon lost and it seemed as if they would never find each other. Finally, the girl dropped to her knees, tears streaming down her lovely face. 'Oh, my love. Where are you? How will I find you?' Suddenly, a band of stars appeared in the sky. These stars shone so brightly they lit up the entire countryside. The girl jumped to her feet and followed the path of the stars until finally she found herself standing right where the town gazebo is today. And there waiting for her was her one true love, who had also been led here by the blanket of friendly stars. [Camera stops on Miss Patty's dance studio, where she is telling the story to a group of children.] And that, my friends, is the story of how Stars Hollow came to be, and why we celebrate that fateful night every year at about this time. Now, we still have a little time left in our story hour. Who wants to hear about the time I danced in a cage for Tito Puente?
KIDS: [raising hands] Me!
MISS PATTY: It was the summer of 66 ..
(Opening Credits)
CUT TO BUS STOP
(Dean is waiting on the bench as Rory steps off the bus.)
RORY: So?
DEAN: It's depressing.
RORY: It's beautiful.
DEAN: She throws herself under a train.
RORY: But I bet she looked great doing it.
DEAN: I don't know. I think maybe Tolstoy's just a little over my head.
RORY: No, that's not true. Tolstoy wrote for the masses, the common man. It's completely untrue that you have to be some kind of genius to read his stuff.
DEAN: Yeah but
RORY: Now I know it's big. . .
DEAN: Very big.
RORY: And long. . .
DEAN: Very, very long
RORY: And many of the Russian names tend be spelled very similar, making it confusing
DEAN: Every single person's name ends with 'ski'. Now how is that possible?
RORY: But it's one of my favorite books. And I know that if you just give it a try you...
DEAN: All right. I'll try again.
RORY: Really?
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: You won't be sorry.
DEAN: Coffee?
RORY: Please.
DEAN: Man, I thought Christmas was a big deal around here.
RORY: Well, this is a town that likes the celebrating. Last year we had a month long carnival when we finally got off the septic tank system.
DEAN: A month long? You're kidding.
RORY: No. There were rides and a petting zoo and balloon animals and a freak show.
DEAN: Uh huh. Okay, you almost had me going there for a second.
RORY: Well we did have a ribbon cutting ceremony.
DEAN: So what are you doing Friday night?
RORY: Well, I've got the usual Friday night grandparents' dinner. But I thought maybe if we get back early enough you and I should go watch the bonfire together. I mean, it's kind of corny, but it's really pretty. And they sell star-shaped hot dogs.
DEAN: How about if you get out of dinner at your grandparents' this week?
RORY: I don't think so.
DEAN: Well, what if it's for a really special occasion?
RORY: Well, that special occasion better include my being relocated to a plastic bubble if my grandmother's gonna let me out of dinner.
DEAN: There must be some other excuse that you could use.
RORY: Like what?
DEAN: Like it's your three-month anniversary with your boyfriend.
RORY: It is?
DEAN: Yeah. Three months from your birthday. I mean, that's when I gave you the bracelet and that's when I figured this whole thing kinda started.
RORY: Wow. Three months.
DEAN: Actually, technically your birthday was on a Saturday, so really it should be Saturday, but I work Saturday and I planned out this whole big thing so I thought maybe we could do it on Friday.
RORY: What whole big thing?
DEAN: Just this once. Miss dinner. Please. Don't make me throw myself under a train.
RORY: I'll see what I can do.
DEAN: Thank you.
RORY: You're welcome. It's our three-month anniversary.
DEAN: Yeah it is.
RORY: I feel kind of stupid that I didn't even know about this.
DEAN: That's quite all right.
RORY: I mean, I feel really bad that I missed our two-month anniversary.
DEAN: Quite all right too.
RORY: How was it?
DEAN: Pretty good.
RORY: I'm glad.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
(Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table reading a box of Hamburger Helper. Rory walks in.)
RORY: No, put that away.
LORELAI: I wanna cook.
RORY: You can make soup.
LORELAI: No. I wanna really cook like on the Food Channel. I wanna sauté thing and chop things and do the BAM, and I wanna arrange things on a plate so they look like a pretty little hat. I wanna be the Iron Chef!
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Yeah, I'll help.
L: Okay. I need a pan.
R: And a fire extinguisher.
L: Funny, funny girl. Now, if I had only bought some hamburger.
R: You didn't buy hamburger?
L: Yes I bought hamburger. I just like saying things like that so you look at me like I'm crazy.
R: So, tell me, why the sudden need to be domestic?
L: Ah, I don't know. I'm in like a funky mood.
R: Why?
L: Too many stars, too much love, it makes me cranky.
R: I take it you haven't heard from Mr. Medina?
L: Hmm, no. I haven't.
R: Maybe that's why you're cranky.
L: Okay, new subject please.
R: You know, you have a phone also.
L: How's it coming with that pan?
R: Cleopatra, queen of denial.
L: The pan, Chucky. Please.
R: Okay fine. New topic.
L: Thank you.
R: I have this huge favor to ask you.
L: Oh, something I can hold over your head. Let's hear it.
R: Friday night is Dean's and my three-month anniversary.
L: Three months? Wow.
R: And Dean apparently has some big fancy evening planned for us.
L: Very classy of him.
R: Yes it is. But for me to actually partake of the foresaid fancy evening, I have to get out of Friday night dinner.
L: Ah.
R: Yeah.
L: Good luck with that.
R: Mom!
L: Do you know how much Emily Gilmore will not care about your three-month anniversary?
R: I was thinking you could talk to her.
L: If there was a runoff between what Emily Gilmore would care about less, a two-for-one toilet paper sale at Costco or your three month anniversary, your anniversary would win, hands down.
R: So you're not even gonna try to help me?
L: Oh no, I'm gonna try to help you, because I care. Emily Gilmore, however. .
R: Phone please.
L: Okay. [Lorelai walks over to the phone. She laughs.]
R: What?
L: Nothing. It's just, 'Oh, hey Mom, uh, Rory and Dean are having their three month anniversary on Friday.' 'Really Lorelai? Why that's wonderful. I'm thrilled.'
R: Stop.
L: 'Three months. Well, woohoo. Hold on, I'm going to cartwheel.'
R: Forget it.
L: Oh, no wait. She's telling my dad now. Why, I think they're cabbage patching.
R: That's it. Find your own pan.
EMILY: Hello?
L: Mom?
EMILY: Lorelai?
L: Uh, yes, hi.
EMILY: Hello.
L: Hi. How are you doing?
EMILY: I'm doing fine.
L: That's good.
EMILY: I'm pleased.
L: How's Dad?
EMILY: What do you want Lorelai?
L: Um, I was just calling to say hello.
EMILY: And now you have.
L: Okay, good.
EMILY: Was there anything else that you wanted to add to that hello?
L: Well, as a matter of fact, there is.
EMILY: Ah ha.
L: Um, you know Rory.
EMILY: Yes, I believe I do.
L: She wanted to say hello too.
EMILY: Lorelai, I'm late for a meeting. I'd love to know why.
L: Mom, just hear me out, okay, and don't say anything. Um, see Friday night is Rory and Dean's three-month anniversary, and while that might not seem like a very big deal to you, it is to them. And I'm gonna ask you to do something you are so not gonna wanna do. But I am begging you to look at it from her point of view and maybe, just maybe let her, just this once, not come to dinner on Friday.
EMILY: All right.
L: What?
EMILY: Since this is a special occasion, I suppose it would be fine if Rory missed dinner on Friday.
L: It would?
EMILY: Yes
R: Mom?
L: Are you sure?
EMILY: I believe I am.
L: No arguments?
EMILY: No.
L: Well, she wont be there.
EMILY: I understand.
L: At all.
EMILY: I heard.
L: All night long.
EMILY: I assumed as much.
L: Okay.
EMILY: Okay.
L: All right.
EMILY: Anything else?
L: Uh, you know, she's gonna need some help getting ready for the big night Mom, so I should probably.
EMILY: We'll see you at seven.
L: Okay. Right. Bye.
R: So?
L: The world is officially coming to an end.
CUT TO CHILTON
(Tristin and Summer are kissing in front of some lockers.)
MADELINE: And they're off.
PARIS: The bell just rang three seconds ago. How did they get lip locked so fast?
MADELINE: I want a boyfriend to make out with.
LOUISE: Ty Tolson likes you.
MADELINE: I want to different boyfriend to make out with.
PARIS: I can't get to my locker.
LOUISE: I'm sure they'll move if you ask nice. You know, dangle a hotel key in front of their faces.
PARIS: This is a school. You don't do this in a school.
LOUISE: Not unless you've got a boyfriend like Tristin. Then you do it anywhere you can.
MADELINE: Street corner.
LOUISE: Shopping mall.
MADELINE: Phone booth.
LOUISE: Starbucks.
PARIS: Thank you for the "where to make out" list, I just need to get my books.
LOUISE: Hell hath no fury.
PARIS: [walks over to her locker] Excuse me. You're in my way. Hey, spawn in front of somebody else's locker please.
RORY: I'm assuming your locker's in there somewhere also.
PARIS: Yup. Right behind Belle Watling.
RORY: Have you tried to get their attention?
PARIS: Sure have.
RORY: No luck?
PARIS: Nope.
RORY: God, look at that. It's like he's eating her face.
PARIS: Okay, that's it. I'm getting the fire hose.
RORY: Let me try first. Hey, could you two just move this whole thing down to the left a little?
TRISTIN: What?
RORY: You're standing in front of the lockers.
PARIS: Our lockers.
TRISTIN: Oh sorry. Just got a little carried away.
RORY: Right.
TRISTIN: Hey Paris.
PARIS: Hey.
SUMMER: You should get bangs.
PARIS: Thanks for the tip.
SUMMER: You have a long forehead. Bangs would hide that.
MADELINE: Hey, party at my house Saturday.
LOUISE: Dress to impress please.
MADELINE: Come? (hands flyer to Rory)
RORY: Oh, I don't know.
MADELINE: You can bring your boyfriend.
RORY: I'll see.
SUMMER: So, meet me after biology?
TRISTIN: And if I don't?
SUMMER: You will.
TRISTIN: Oh, yes I will. Ah. To be young and in love.
PARIS: What a shame Elizabeth Barrett Browning wasn't here to witness this. She'd put her head through a wall.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
(Lorelai walks through the lobby into the kitchen where Jackson and Sookie are kissing.)
LORELAI: Oh, now people, this is a kitchen. At least wear some hairnets.
SOOKIE: Lorelai, hello. Uh, we were, uh. . .
JACKSON: Just discussing jam making.
SOOKIE: Jackson's gonna start making jam and preserves.
JACKSON: Maybe tomato sauce.
SOOKIE: Yeah, there's a whole world out there beyond growing vegetables.
LORELAI: No coffee?
SOOKIE: Sorry.
LORELAI: That's okay. Resume smooching.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
CUT TO INN LOBBY
(Michel talking on phone)
MICHEL: No cherie. I can't wait either. Very soon. You are? Ohhh. Don't tease me. I promise all this waiting will be worthwhile. I'll see you then. Goodbye darling.
LORELAI: So how's mom?
MICHEL: And while normally I would look forward to a good verbal sparring match, today I say no. My heart is light, the world is fine and I have a date for Saturday night. Your turn.
LORELAI: What I need now is lots and lots of coffee.
CUT TO CENTER OF TOWN
(Lorelai walking through Stars Hollow while locals prepare for the festival.)
MAN: Heads up!
(A large papier mache star falls in front of Lorelai)
LORELAI: Agh!
MAN: Hey, you okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'm fine.
MAN: Man, that has never happened before!
LORELAI: Really? How about that.
CUT TO LUKE'S
(Lorelai walks in and sits at the counter.)
LORELAI: I was almost crushed by a papier mache star. How's your day?
LUKE: Well, it's looking pretty good now.
LORELAI: Coffee please, no shot of cynicism.
LUKE: So, why so cheery?
LORELAI: I don't know. I'm just in a mood. I don't know why.
LUKE: But there's no particular reason for this mood?
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: You don't believe me?
LUKE: No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts.
LORELAI: Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays.
(Miss Patty and Taylor are arguing at a table behind Lorelai.)
TAYLOR: No, no, Patty, you're wrong. They built the fire to throw themselves on it when their families found them
MISS PATTY: Taylor you're crazy! They built the fire so that they could stay warm their first night here.
TAYLOR: Patty, I am the recording secretary for the Stars Hollow City Council, I think I know how my town was founded!
LORELAI: Ugh, can nobody talk about anything else but this stupid festival? [pause] That came out a lot louder then it was supposed to, didn't it?
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: Yup.
TAYLOR: This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady.
LORELAI: I know Taylor. I'm sorry.
LUKE: She's bipolar.
MISS PATTY: Really? But you're so young.
LUKE: Uh, can I get you two anything else?
MISS PATTY: Oh, no thank you, sweetheart.
LORELAI: I don't know what is wrong with me. This is a beautiful festival. People should be enjoying it.
LUKE: It's a crazy festival based on a nutty myth about two lunatics, who in all probability did not even exist. And even if they did, probably dropped dead of diphtheria before age 24. The town of Stars Hollow probably got its name from the local dance hall prostitute. Two rich drunk guys who made up the story to make it look good on a poster.
LORELAI: You are full of hate and loathing, and I gotta tell you, I love it!
LUKE: Oh, it's so good to have somebody share this hate with.
LORELAI: My pleasure.
LUKE: More coffee?
LORELAI: Yeah please. Hey, tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says 'Hey, how's it going?'
LUKE: You're on.
RACHEL: Hey, how's it going?
LORELAI: Oh, now that' s just too easy.
LUKE: Rachel.
LORELAI: Rachel? Your Rachel? You're Rachel?
RACHEL: Yup. I'm Rachel.
LUKE: What are you I mean, I thought you were in the Congo or Philadelphia or something.
RACHEL: Actually, though very similar to both the Congo and Philadelphia, I was in the Mideast.
LUKE: Oh. Guess that postcard must've gotten lost.
RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, well things pretty crazy over there, not a lot of writing time. But I finished up my assignment, and I flew back to Chicago and I was walking through O'Hare, and I look up and there's a plane leaving for Hartford in like 20 minutes, and all of a sudden, I'm on it.
LUKE: Nice story.
RACHEL: I should have called.
LUKE: No. You it's fine.
RACHEL: You look good.
LUKE: Thanks. You um, you look, you, you uh look
LORELAI: He thinks you look good too. Right?
LUKE: Right.
LORELAI: And you do.
RACHEL: Thank you.
LORELAI: I'm Lorelai.
LUKE: Oh yeah. She's Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm Luke's friend.
LUKE: Yeah. She uh, uh, works at the Independence Inn.
LORELAI: I run it, actually.
LUKE: Sorry, she runs it.
RACHEL: Wow, I love that place.
LORELAI: Oh!
RACHEL: That must be a pretty big job.
LORELAI: It is! It's crazy. There's always something happening. Like, we just put these coffee makers in all the rooms, but only half of them work. They just like shake and gurgle, like they're having some kind of a fit. Why were you in the Mideast?
RACHEL: I was doing a photo story, on how Palestinian and Israeli families have been affected by the violence.
LORELAI: Uh huh, well, so you understand about the job pressure.
RACHEL: Yeah.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go.
RACHEL: Please, don't let me drive you away.
LORELAI: That's okay, you're not. I have to go sit in a closet or something. So, it was really nice to meet you.
RACHEL: Yeah, you too.
LORELAI: Okay, bye. (Lorelai leaves)
RACHEL: So. . .hi.
LUKE: Hi.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
(Lorelai is combing Rory's hair in Rory's bedroom.)
LORELAI: 'Oh, we got new coffee makers.' Ugh! What was I thinking?
RORY: Well, you spent a lot of time picking out those coffee makers.
L: Oh yeah, I'm Mrs. Coffee.
R: Ow! Okay, I'm still attached to the head.
L: Okay, sorry. I'm a little worked up.
R: Mom, it just Luke's ex-girlfriend.
L: I know. I just hate that I made myself look so stupid in front of
R: Luke?
L: No, Rachel. She was standing there, fresh off a plane, and she had no plane hair at all might I add.
R: And what exactly is plane hair?
L: You know, it's all big and all bah.
R: Got it.
L: And he's staring at her like she's Miss September and she's looking at him like he's Johnny Depp, and I was just babbling like a moron, what is wrong with me?!
R: Ow! Ow! Okay, you are now officially off hair duty.
L: Aw, I'm sorry. I just
R: No, it's okay. I just think it's a little early for Dean to see me completely bald.
L: Right, that's more a six-month thing.
R: So what's going on with you?
L: I don't know. It's just all this love in the air, you know. I miss Max. There's just been so much going on with your Dad coming home and family stuff and your constant existence
R: Thanks for the love.
L: Any time. So I haven't had a lot of time to focus on it and I miss Max.
R: I know.
L: I had a dream about him the other night.
R: Really? Dirty?
L: No, absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer. Anyway, it's put me in a funk since then.
R: I'm sorry.
L: Me too. We could talk about me for years, and believe me, we will. But let's focus on you, the lady of the evening. No hooker reference intended.
R: Glad to hear it.
L: Now, what are you gonna wear with that?
R: Um, you tell me.
L: Uh, where is he taking you?
R: Why?
L: Well, you don't want to clash with the decor. A lady plans ahead.
R: Well, if you must know, he's taking me to Andoloro's.
L: Oh, well isn't that romantic?
R: I know!
L: Wow, it's gonna be just like Lady and the Tramp. You'll share a plate of spaghetti, but it'll just be one long strand, but you won't realize it until you accidentally meet in the middle. And then, he'll push a meatball towards you with his nose, and you'll push it back with your nose, and then you'll bring the meatball home and you'll save it in the refrigerator for years and. . .
R: Mom?
L: Uh, neither. Just wear your coat.
R: Okay.
L: But your flower's just a little smushed.
LANE: (calls from front hallway) Rory?
L: There you go, you're all set.
LANE: Is anyone here?
R: You all right?
L: Oh yeah, you look beautiful. Go.
RORY: Lane?
LANE: Oh my God!
CUT TO FRONT HALLWAY
LANE: I just can't believe it!
RORY: I know!
LANE: I mean, three months, that's like one sixty-fourth of your life!
R: I know!
LANE: I have to stop hanging out with you. I mean, you're just making my life seem too pathetic.
LORELAI: Join the club.
R: Are you going to the festival? 'Cause maybe we could meet you there later.
LANE: Oh yeah, that would be romantic.
R: Lane.
LANE: Yes, I'm going to the festival. And would you like to know why?
L: Uh oh!
LANE: My mother has once again set me up.
R: Another future doctor?
LANE: A future chiropractor. I think she's losing confidence in my prospects.
R: Maybe he'll be nice.
LANE: Oh, it's not just him. We're going with his parents, his grandparents, two sisters, three brothers and at least one maiden aunt.
(A car honks from outside)
R: That's Dean.
LANE: Remember, you have to tell me everything.
R: Okay. You too.
LANE: Oh yeah. After the walking, the silence, the sitting and the 'buh bye', that's when the fun will begin.
R: I wanna know anyhow. Bye Mom.
L: Bye honey, have fun.
R: Okay.
L: Don't forget the meatball.
LANE: The meatball?
L: It's a mother-daughter thing. (Rory leaves)
LANE: So, think I can hang out with you for awhile?
L: Oh, uh, not unless you wanna go to Hartford. Besides didn't anyone ever tell you, it's not polite to keep fifteen prospective Korean in-laws waiting.
LANE: You can run over me on your way out. Maybe my mother wouldn't make me go if I was in the hospital.
L: I wouldn't count on it.
LANE: Yeah, you're right.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
(Lorelai is on the front porch finishing her coffee. Emily opens the door before Lorelai rings the doorbell.)
EMILY: You're late.
LORELAI: How did you do that?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Answer the door before I even rang the bell.
EMILY: I thought I heard something, I came to the door, you were there. Come in please. (Lorelai walks in.)
LORELAI: You thought you heard something?
EMILY: Yes.
L: Mom, that door is like ten feet thick.
EMILY: So?
L: Well, so, it wasn't like I was standing out there with a band of jackals, I was just drinking coffee.
EMILY: Lorelai, what is it that you want to hear? That I was standing by the window, staring out at the driveway, waiting to pounce the moment you arrived.
L: Yes, because believe it or not, that would be less creepy.
EMILY: Get yourself a drink, please.
(Lorelai walks into living room. Richard is on the couch reading the newspaper.)
L: Hey Dad.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
L: Sorry I'm late. I was helping Rory get ready for her big date, and well, you know girls.
RICHARD: Mm hmm.
L: So. . . um, how's work?
RICHARD: Oh, work is fine.
L: Yeah? Good, good. My work's fine too.
RICHARD: Uh huh.
L: Oh God. Mom has gone a little crazy with the figurines here, huh? A little Kathy Bates. Although you probably haven't seen Misery, which is a good thing because Rory couldn't sleep alone for a week after we watched it. That wouldn't be a problem for you because you don't sleep alone anyway. I'm guessing. I don't know what your and mom's sleeping arrangement is. Now I'm wishing I hadn't brought it up because it's such a 'Wow, don't wanna go there' kind of a subject. For me, not for you, because you should definitely go there if you uh, well anyway. Agh!
RICHARD: Oh, what have you done now?
L: Nothing. I just, well, I'm putting the bunny back with his little friends and I just sort of massacred them a little bit, but that's life in the jungle isn't it?
RICHARD: Just sit down, please.
L: Okay, sorry.
RICHARD: Just sit with your hands in your lap.
L: Sorry.
RICHARD: And I'm trying to read, so just be quiet and try not to break anything else
EMILY: So are we having a nice chat?
L: Yeah, we're having a great conversation, me and Morrie.
EMILY: Excuse me?
L: Nothing. Thanks, Mom, for letting Rory out of dinner tonight. She really appreciated it.
EMILY: Well, she deserves to celebrate. A three-month anniversary is a landmark feat at her age. Or at any age for some people.
L: I was gonna get a drink. I'm gonna get right on that.
(doorbell rings)
EMILY: I'll get that. (leaves room)
L: Can I freshen up your drink Dad?
RICHARD: No, thank you. One drink before dinner is quite enough.
L: Right, sorry.
(Emily returns to the room with a man.)
EMILY: I had no idea it was so close!
CHASE: Absolutely, right around the corner.
EMILY: Well, what a small world. Oh, Lorelai, I'd like you to meet Chase Bradford.
L: Hey.
CHASE: Hi.
EMILY: He was just telling me that he actually grew up right around the corner from here.
L: Oh, really?
CHASE: Stone house on the corner.
L: Oh, the one with the Dobermans.
CHASE: That's right. Leopold and Loeb. Though I'm afraid they passed on quite a few years ago.
L: Postmen finally got organized, huh?
EMILY: Uh, Chase, this is my husband, Richard.
RICHARD: How do you do?
CHASE: Fine, Richard, just fine.
EMILY: Uh, please sit down.
RICHARD: Emily, I didn't know we were having company for dinner.
EMILY: Oh well, it was just sort of a spur of the moment thing. Chase's mother and I are in the DAR together and he just moved back to Hatrford, and it just seemed like a nice idea.
L: Yes, very nice.
RICHARD: Uh Chase, can I get you a drink?
CHASE: Scotch neat.
RICHARD: Uh, Glenfiddich?
CHASE: Fine. So Lorelai, your mother's told me all about you.
L: Really?
CHASE: Oh yes. I'm just sorry your daughter couldn't join us for dinner. I adore children.
L: Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
EMILY: Lorelai, we have company.
L: It'll just take a second, really.
EMILY: But
L: Come on, it'll be fun. Excuse us. We're just gonna have a spur of the moment conversation. (Lorelai guides Emily out of the room.)
EMILY: You're pushing me.
L: Is this a setup?
EMILY: What?
L: Uh, Connecticut Ken in there, is he my invited escort for the evening?
EMILY: Lorelai, his mother is a friend of mine.
L: And?
EMILY: He just moved back here and doesn't know anyone.
L: And?
EMILY: And I thought he might enjoy meeting you.
L: AH HA!
EMILY: Put that finger down!
L: Ah, this is why the Miss Congeniality act when Rory wanted to beg out of dinner.
EMILY: It just seemed like a good opportunity.
L: Mom, thank you for the thought, but I can get my own men.
EMILY: (laughs) Really?
L: Yes, really.
EMILY: I must disagree.
L: You must?
EMILY: Chase is a quality man, he has good breeding, he comes from a nice family. He makes a nice living, he's attractive.
L: Mom, mmm, no.
EMILY: Is it gonna kill you to simply keep an open mind about him?
L: Mom, he's not my type.
EMILY: Why not? Because I like him?
L: You know, I swear, I don't know which one, but there is a game show out there with your name on it.
EMILY: Well that must be it because you've hardly said two words to the man. You couldn't possibly hate him already.
L: Oh no, it's that arcade game where the mole keeps sticking his head out and you have to pound him as many times as you can with the mallet. You would be a master at that game.
EMILY: Lorelai, I realize that Chase may not be as controversial as your usual brand of men.
L: They would erect a statue of you next to it with perfect hair and pearls and a big bronze mallet.
EMILY: But I want you to think about something. Tonight your daughter is celebrating her three-month anniversary. What was the last relationship you had that lasted that long? [pause] I thought so.
(Lorelai and Emily return to living room.)
EMILY: Well, here we are. I'm very sorry.
CHASE: Oh, that's all right. I had a chance to tell Richard a little bit about what I do in the actuarial business.
RICHARD: Yes, it's fascinating.
CHASE: Lorelai, may I fix you something to drink?
L: Hmm, gin.
CHASE: And?
L: Gin.
RICHARD: Make that two.
L: What about the one drink before dinner rule?
RICHARD: Well, we have guests. We're celebrating. Chase, here, let me help you with that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO ANDOLORO'S
RORY: That was really good.
DEAN: It was?
RORY: Yes it was.
DEAN: How was the salad?
RORY: Great.
DEAN: What about that cheese bread thing? Too heavy?
RORY: Just heavy enough.
DEAN: Really?
RORY: Everything was perfect. Even the soda was good. I don't know how they do it but the Coke here is definitely superior to the Coke anywhere else.
DEAN: Okay, at what point during that did you start making fun of me?
RORY: I would never make fun of you. Especially not after you ordered three different kinds of pasta for me just because I couldn't decide.
DEAN: Well you shouldn't have to decide. I mean, tonight, you should have everything that you want.
RORY: I just have to say that I'm now a very big fan of the three-month anniversary.
DEAN: Oh yeah?
RORY: Definitely. I think they should have T-shirts and newsletters.
DEAN: Well, I'm glad.
RORY: You did all this for me.
DEAN: It's not over yet.
RORY: This is just like that Christmas when I got a full set of illustrated encyclopedias. [Dean gives a confused look] I wanted them.
DEAN: Oh, uh, good
WAITER: One tiramisu, two forks, and uh, one meatball to go.
RORY: Thank you.
DEAN: You wanna explain the meatball?
RORY: It's a mother-daughter thing.
DEAN: Okay. Well, uh ladies first.
RORY: Thank you. [takes a bite] Okay, have I mentioned how much I'm loving the three month anniversary thing?
DEAN: Yeah, you did.
RORY: Because this tiramisu is so good that if the anniversary were completely sucking right now, this would save it. What?
DEAN: Nothing.
RORY: Stop it.
DEAN: No, you look cute.
RORY: I'm eating.
DEAN: Well, you eat cute.
RORY: I do not eat cute. No one eats cute. Bambi maybe, but he's a cartoon.
DEAN: So, uh, after we finish here we move onto phase two of the anniversary evening.
RORY: Phase 2. Sounds very official, are there space suits involved?
DEAN: With matching helmets.
RORY: Impressive.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
(Lorelai, Emily, Richard and Chase are eating dinner.)
CHASE: So Lorelai, are you a member of the DAR?
LORELAI: No, I'm not. D-A-R-N. [giggles] See, uh, that's like darn 'cause it was a play on DAR. Boy, these carrots sure are tiny.
EMILY: Chase, I'm simply fascinated about your work situation. Tell us how you wound up back here at home. I mean, you move away to make your fortune and you end up right back here. Isn't life funny?
LORELAI: Hilarious.
RICHARD: It's a comedy for the masses.
CHASE: Well I worked hard and the company was very good to me. You know a thing or two about company loyalty I assume, Richard. Well, the company offered me a choice of East Coast locations, sort of a big vote of confidence in the job I was doing. Picking your locale, it's a very coveted position to be in.
LORELAI: Yeah, would like to be picking my locale right now.
CHASE: So I sat down and made my wish list. I looked for places that offered location amenities as well as job growth, and finally after days of research, checking into traffic conditions, crime rates, the best school systems, my decision came down to just two places. One was in New York, one was in Hartford.
LORELAI: And you chose Hartford.
CHASE: I did at that.
RICHARD: Emily, is there any more roast?
CHASE: Hartford has all the cosmopolitan big city benefits that New York has, without actually having to live in New York. It just seemed like a no brainer.
LORELAI: I'll get dad some more roast.
EMILY: Leta will bring it.
LORELAIL: Oh, but it's so much more personal this way.
EMILY: Hurry back. I just simply have to know what the allure of this Stars Hollow is I've heard so much about.
LORELAI: Miles and miles and miles.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
(Rory and Dean walk to the festival)
DEAN: So, what book did you bring?
RORY: What?
DEAN: Well, come on, you always bring a book with you and I was just wondering, what's the three month anniversary book?
RORY: Actually, I brought the New Yorker.
DEAN: A magazine. Really?
RORY: It's the fiction issue.
(From the gazebo, the mayor starts the festivities)
MAYOR: People of Stars Hollow, and our many friends. It gives me great pleasure to preside over our annual founders festival for the thirty-second time. Many a true love has had it start right on the spot where I stand. And I don't mind telling you that at this very festival, right by this gazebo, is where I met my own true love, Miss Dora Braythwait. We have been married for 43 years, and it all started right here.
TAYLOR: (covers microphone and whispers) Ask her to wave.
MAYOR: (whispers) I can't.
TAYLOR: Why not?
MAYOR: (To Taylor) She went to Bingo in Bridgeport. (To crowd) And now my friends, if you will join me in lighting the fire.
RORY: Okay, take me to the surprise now.
DEAN: But I thought you said you wanted to see the bonfire being lit.
RORY: Oh I do.
DEAN: Wait, but Mayor Porter just said. . .
RORY: Trust me. It's gonna be awhile before it's lit. We'll have plenty of time before they're ready.
MAYOR: Every damn year.
TAYLOR: It was Lenny's responsibility.
AYOR: Oh for Pete's sake. Does anyone have any matches?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
(Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and Chase at dinner table.)
CHASE: It's really fascinating stuff.
EMILY: It sounds it. Tell us more.
CHASE: Well, we're in the middle of building new statistical models that let us do a better job at predicting death than we've ever been able to do before. Richard, you might find this interesting.
RICHARD: Well, I've never been one for sitting at a computer building models, Chase. I'm a client contact man myself.
CHASE: But these models give you a better product to sell to those clients.
EMILY: That does sound interesting.
CHASE: Oh it is. In fact, if you were to answer a few simple questions for me, I could practically pinpoint the day you're going to die.
EMILY: Goodness.
LORELAI: Go ahead. Ask her the questions.
EMILY: I think I'll pass.
CHASE: No no, Lorelai! I'd have to feed the information into a computer to get the answer. I'm no Kreskin!
EMILY: Well, Chase, why don't you and Lorelai retire to the living room for some Brandy while I help Leta clean up.
LORELAI: While you do what?
CHASE: That sounds lovely? Shall we?
LORELAI: Uh, sure. I'm just going to, um, go and powder my something. But I'll be back in a minute and I'll meet you in the living room.
CHASE: I'll be waiting.
LORELAI: Super.
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
(Lorelai walks into her old bedroom, grabs her coat off the bed, and starts to climb out the window when Richard walks in.)
RICHARD: Lorelai, your mother wants to know if. . .
LORELAI: Hi daddy. Okay, I know this is bad. And I know this probably brings back all the horrible aspects of my childhood life for you. And see, I'm really sorry that we fought last week, and I'm really sorry that you're so disappointed in me, and I really wish there was something I can do to fix that, but there probably isn't and I can accept that because I am an adult now and I am proud of who I have become. But I am begging you, please, please do not make me go back down there because that guy is boring.
RICHARD: Emily, she's not up here!
LORELAI: Thank you Daddy.
CUT TO JUNKYARD
(Rory and Dean are standing in front of a fenced-in junkyard)
DEAN: We're here.
ORY: We're where?
DEAN: Come on.
RORY: Dean, what is this?
DEAN: Okay. Uh, did you ever see Christine?
RORY: Yes.
DEAN: Well, it's nothing like that. Come on.
(They go through an opening in the fence)
RORY: You brought me to Beirut?
DEAN: It's a salvage yard.
RORY: Ah. And yet it looks so much like Beirut.
DEAN: Okay. Uh, here we are.
RORY: Wow.
DEAN: It's a car.
RORY: It is?
DEAN: Well, it will be.
RORY: When it grows up?
DEAN: When I fix it.
RORY: What?
DEAN: Um, it's yours.
RORY: What do you mean it's mine?
DEAN: I mean, I'm building it piece by piece for you.
RORY: No.
DEAN: Yeah. I started with the frame. The seats and the windshield just went in yesterday.
RORY: You're building me a car?
DEAN: Yeah, now it's gonna take awhile, but when I'm done, it'll be great.
RORY: You're building me a car. You're building me a car.
DEAN: That's right.
RORY: You're building me a car?
DEAN: I'm building you a car.
RORY: This is crazy. Why would you do this?
DEAN: I don't know. You didn't have one.
RORY: You're completely insane.
DEAN: What? I didn't want you wasting time on the bus anymore. I mean, that is very valuable time we could be arguing about your ongoing obsession with very confusing Russian authors.
RORY: I can't believe this
DEAN: Um, do you like it?
RORY: Do I like it? Are you kidding? (she kisses him)
DEAN: I'll take that as a yes.
RORY: Take it mister.
DEAN: Come on, get in.
(Dean tries to open the door for her, but it falls off the car.)
DEAN: Uh, I'll fix that.
RORY: Don't. I like it like that. (they both get in the car) This is amazing.
DEAN: I'm glad you like it.
RORY: I had no idea that three months was the car anniversary.
DEAN: Four months you get a plane.
RORY: Boy, relationships sure have changed since I was a kid. (they lean back and look at the stars) I'm having one of those moments right now.
DEAN: What moments?
RORY: One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.
DEAN: So, basically, I'm depressing you.
RORY: Yup.
DEAN: You're very weird.
RORY: And you're wonderful. (They kiss)
DEAN: Rory?
RORY: Yeah?
DEAN: I love you. (pause) Rory?
RORY: Yeah?
DEAN: Did you hear me?
RORY: Uh huh.
DEAN: Well, say something.
RORY: I. . . I. .
DEAN: Yeah?
RORY: I love the car.
DEAN: Uh, and that's it?
RORY: No. I just. . . I'm surprised, I didn't expect. . .I don't. . .
DEAN: You don't love me.
RORY: No, I just have to think about it for a minute.
DEAN: Think about what?
RORY: Well, saying I love you is a really difficult thing.
DEAN: Well I just did it.
RORY: And you did it really well.
DEAN: What the hell does that mean?
RORY: I'm sorry. Please. This totally came as a surprise. I mean, with the dinner, and the car, and then the I just need a minute to think
DEAN: This is not something that you think about Rory. This is either something that you feel or you don't.
RORY: Please, don't be mad.
DEAN: Why? Because I say I love you and you wanna think about it? I mean, go home and discuss it with your mother? Make one of your pro/con lists?
RORY: Not fair.
DEAN: I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I don't even know what I was thinking.
RORY: Dean. Please, it's just not that easy for me. I mean, saying I love you means a lot. Think about it from my point of view. I mean, my mom and our life. I mean, my mom said that she loved my dad and then. . .
DEAN: You don't get pregnant saying I love you.
RORY: I know. I'm just confused. I need to It's a really big deal.
DEAN: Fine, come on.
RORY: Dean, please don't be mad.
DEAN: I'll take you home.
RORY: Dean, tonight was amazing. It was perfect. Please, I swear, I just need a minute to. . .
DEAN: Whatever, it doesn't matter, all right? Let's go.
CUT TO FESTIVAL
JACKSON: Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes Jackson?
JACKSON: You know what I'm thinking about right now?
SOOKIE: That time I roasted some red peppers over the stove burner and singed off my eyebrows?
JACKSON: No.
SOOKIE: Good.
JACKSON: I'm just thinking, this is really nice.
SOOKIE: Me too.
(Rachel takes some pictures, then walks over to a bench and sits down next to Luke.)
LUKE: You getting some good stuff?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, yeah, the firelight really changes people. Ya know, makes them seem happier, freer, all troubles of the world completely gone.
LUKE: I don't think that's the firelight. I think it's the Founders Day party punch they've been selling.
RACHEL: Oh yeah, that stuff is good
LUKE: Okay, at some point, are you gonna tell me what you're doing here?
RACHEL: I'm putting more film in my camera.
LUKE: Rachel.
RACHEL: What? I told you, I was at the airport, now I'm here.
LUKE: Oh well sure, when you put it like that.
RACHEL: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound all that happy to see me.
LUKE: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a tendency to show up and then leave, quite suddenly. One of your more charming attributes.
RACHEL: So you're not happy to see me? Luke, I don't know what I'm doing here. I just missed you. I wanted to see you. I don't know what else to say.
LUKE: I missed you too.
RACHEL: So since we're both being blunt, what's the deal with Lorelai?
LUKE: What are you talking about?
RACHEL: I'm talking about Lorelai, the lady who runs the inn, the one you've told me absolutely nothing about, and been very careful to leave out of every story, anecdote, or gossip about the town.
LUKE: There is no deal with Lorelai. We're friends.
RACHEL: For now?
LUKE: Yes.
RACHEL: And in the future?
LUKE: Well, Lorelai is, she's just uh I don't know. I mean, at time it seems like, I don't know. But I am happy to see you.
RACHEL: Good. I'm gonna get some of that party punch. You want some?
LUKE: That stuff will kill you.
RACHEL: Oh Luke, some things never change.
(Rachel walks away. After a few seconds, Lorelai sits down next to Luke.)
LORELAI: Hey. Where the hell's the fire department when you need them?
LUKE: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hartford?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: What happened?
LORELAI: Climbed out the window.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: That's it. You're not curious why?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: That's what I love about you.
LUKE: Hey, how long you been here?
LORELAI: A little while.
LUKE: Did you see Harry and Taylor get into a fist fight?
LORELAI: No! Aww! How did I miss that? I'm so bummed!
LUKE: It was good.
LORELAI: So where's Rachel?
LUKE: Oh, she's a founder's party punch junkie.
LORELAI: God, even the nice girls aren't safe.
LUKE: Yeah. She's been running around here taking all kinds of pictures.
LORELAI: She's having a good time.
LUKE: I guess so. I hope so.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: Yes?
LORELAI: So, what's the haps with you two?
LUKE: The haps? Well, lets see. What is the haps?
LORELAI: I mean, like, ya know, what's going. . .
LUKE: I know what you meant by the haps.
LORELAI: Okay, well you're repeating it like a thousand times.
LUKE: I was pondering.
LORELAI: Well you ponder really slowly.
LUKE: If I did it fast it wouldn't be pondering. Pondering by nature is a slow connotation.
LORELAI: Okay. Fine, fine.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: Is she staying?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Do you want her to?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: She seems to really like you.
LUKE: Yeah she does, but she doesn't have the greatest attention span.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: But she is here.
LORELAI: Yes, she is.
LUKE: I don't know. You spend a lot of time debating things, ya know, is it right, is it wrong, or should I do this, should I do that. I mean, sometimes you should just jump in and take a shot. What's the worst that can happen? She left before, I lived. Maybe this time.
LORELAI: I think that's really great.
LUKE: You do?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome
LUKE: Well, I guess I'm gonna go check up on Rachel.
LORELAI: That's nice.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: That you have somebody you can go check up on. That's nice.
LUKE: Yeah it is. Unless she's completely drunk and throwing up.
LORELAI: Still nice.
LUKE: I'll see you tomorrow?
LORELAI: Tomorrow.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
(Lorelai walks in, picks up phone, dials, sits on the couch.)
MAX'S MACHINE: Hi, you've reached Max Medina. I'm not here right now so leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks.
(Rory walks in. Lorelai hangs up the phone.)
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: We just broke up.
(Lorelai walks to Rory and hugs her.)