EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR SPEEDS ALONG THE ROAD AND INTO THE WATER)
(SFX: HUGE SPLASH)
[SCENE_BREAK]
UNDERWATER - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR SINKS TO THE LAKE FLOOR)
(FADE OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
TONY: No, for the twenty third time.
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
KATE: Are you going to answer that?
TONY: I'm in hell, Kate.
KATE: Well, do they have money there? Because you owe me... forty three dollars and eighty six cents for lunch this week.
TONY: I will gladly pay you today if you'll answer this call for me.
KATE: Yeah? Who is it?
TONY: Crazy ex-girlfriend. Haven't seen her since college.
KATE: Stalker?
TONY: More like a stalk-him.
KATE: What do you want me to say to her?
TONY: I don't know. Tell her you're my wife or something. She's been calling nonstop for two days. So I'm begging you here, Kate. Please.
KATE: You pay me back today.
TONY: Sure.
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Hello? Me? Oh, I am Tony's wife. Uh, yes. We got married a few years ago. (WHISPERS TO TONY) We have kids? (INTO PHONE) Two. Yes. And we're very, very happy. So please don't call back again. (TO TONY) I feel like I need a shower.
(HANGS UP PHONE)
TONY: Pay the lady, Probie.
MCGEE: He bet me forty dollars he could get you to say you're his wife today.
KATE: Tony, I'm going to kill you.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, pull the case file on Lieutenant Brian McAllister.
TONY: McAllister? We going after more treasure hunters, boss?
MCGEE: Treasure hunters?
TONY: Before your time, Probie. McAllister disappeared two years ago. His family offered a million dollar reward to anyone who could find him.
KATE: I had a few friends in the Secret Service who used to work that case on the weekends.
TONY: It was the Holy Grail for every amateur detective on the East coast, Kate.
MCGEE: So what happened?
TONY: Nothing - cold case.
GIBBS: Not anymore.
CINDY AMES: (ON TV) Thousands have searched for the heir to the McAllister Industries' fortune. Each hoping to collect the one million dollar reward offered by his famous family. Today, private investigator Monroe Cooper believes he's one step closer to solving the mystery. Mister Cooper, is it true that you have finally found Brian McAllister?
(SFX: TV CLICKS OFF)
MCGEE: Whoa. Whoa. Boss, that was... that was Monroe Cooper! The man who can solve the unsolvable. He's a... a famous detective.
GIBBS: Do I look like I care, McGee?
MCGEE: No.
GIBBS: Grab your gear. We're going to Black Lake.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. VAN - MOVING
KATE: Lieutenant Brian McAllister, graduated Annapolis in ninety-seven, third in his class. He vanished somewhere between October fourth and the seventh, two thousand and two. No leads.
TONY: Thing I don't get is why a guy worth millions would join the military in the first place.
GIBBS: You think money has anything to do with patriotism, DiNozzo?
TONY: No, I'm just saying if I were rich, you know, I would do nothing.
KATE: I thought your parents were loaded.
TONY: They are.
KATE: So why do you work for the government then?
GIBBS: Because they know what their son would do with the money.
TONY: I can't even get an advance on the will, Kate.
GIBBS: Hey, McGee!
MCGEE: Yeah, boss?
GIBBS: What about that private dick, Cooper?
MCGEE: Yeah. Uh... he's a former NYPD detective, works mostly for insurance companies and celebrities now. He makes a lot of money solving cases like this. Guy's a... he's kind of a cross between Columbo and Sherlock Holmes.
(SFX: VAN HITS A POTHOLE)
KATE: You know, we really should get a seat belt back there. Hey! What the hell are you doing?
TONY: I'm looking for my fork.
KATE: Well I can guarantee you...it is not there!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BLACK LAKE - DAY
GIBBS: Tony, grab the gear. See if McGee's still alive.
TONY: On it, Boss.
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, Todd, NCIS.
LESTER: We've been waiting for you to show up. Sheriff Deke Lester. That detective fella, Cooper, he thinks that missing McAllister kid's in there somewhere.
GIBBS: Yeah. Is he?
LESTER: I can't say, but my divers found a Chrysler convertible sitting on the bottom.
KATE: Lieutenant McAllister owned a Chrysler convertible. Disappeared with him, Gibbs.
LESTER: I'm fixing to pull it out. Once we ID the vehicle we can decide on who's got jurisdiction.
GIBBS: Works for me, Sheriff. Where is Cooper?
LESTER: I don't rightly know. I imagine he's off detecting or something.
RADIO: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey Deke, we've got the chains set here.
LESTER: Let's haul her up.
RADIO: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes, Sir.
LESTER: You ready to see what we caught, Agent Gibbs?
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. TRUCK - DAY
TONY: Hurry it up, Probie.
MCGEE: You sure this is necessary? I kind of feel like a dork.
TONY: You are a dork. No no no no. Bad move.
MCGEE: What?
TONY: If Gibbs catches you reading instead of working, you're history.
MCGEE: It's not for reading. I'm hoping I can get Detective Cooper to sign it. The lead character in the book is based on him.
TONY: "Celebrity P.I.?" Never heard of it. No!
MCGEE: I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it. There's no pictures in it.
TONY: Did you say something, Probie?
MCGEE: Yeah. I'm not a dork.
TONY: Whatever you say, Sponge Bob.
(SFX: HOIST)
LESTER: Take it slow now, Charlie!
TONY: I think it's safe to say that car's not going to run again.
LESTER: All right, hold it right there.
GIBBS: All right, Kate.
KATE: The Lieutenant's tags, Gibbs.
LESTER: Congratulations, looks like you found your missing sailor.
GIBBS: Not yet.
COOPER: I think you'll find that pile of bones is McAllister, Special Agent...
GIBBS: Gibbs. And I'll wait for my M.E. to determine that.
COOPER: Oh of course. Monroe Cooper.
GIBBS: (READS) The man who solves the unsolvable.
COOPER: So you've heard of me?
GIBBS: No. It's on your card.
COOPER: My publicist's idea. Works great with the yokels.
GIBBS: How'd you track this vehicle to Black Lake?
COOPER: Leg work. Luck. My gut.
GIBBS: Does it say that on your card, too?
COOPER: I have a policy, Agent Gibbs. You share information with me, and I share it with you. We have a deal?
GIBBS: That kind of goes against my policy, Cooper.
COOPER: Which is?
GIBBS: Throw people in jail who obstruct my investigations.
COOPER: Uh-huh. I'll try to keep that in mind.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT
DUCKY: Well the dental records are conclusive, Jethro. This is our missing Lieutenant.
GIBBS: Any idea how he died?
DUCKY: After two years in the water? Difficult to say. Do you suspect foul play?
GIBBS: Oh, you know me, Duck. I suspect everything.
DUCKY: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
GIBBS: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a b*st*rd.
DUCKY: Well, of course, that didn't help. There is evidence of hairline fracture on the frontal lobe of the skull.
GIBBS: Cause?
DUCKY: Well, it's consistent with most vehicle accidents, possibly from contact with the steering column.
GIBBS: What about drugs?
DUCKY: Well, in this state, a toxicological screen would be useless. However, drugs are a possibility.
GIBBS: Too many of those, Duck. Too many.
DUCKY: Well, my current opinion is that Lieutenant McAllister met with a tragic accident. Most likely he drowned.
GIBBS: Keep looking.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED)
DUCKY: Your last boy, Yurich.
JIMMY: Did you meet any of his wives?
DUCKY: I introduced him to the last one.
JIMMY: Really? What went wrong?
DUCKY: It's difficult to say, Mister Palmer. She doesn't talk to me anymore.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY
TONY: (LAUGHS LIGHTLY) You know what movie this reminds me of, Kate?
KATE: The Wizard of Oz?
ABBY: I'll get you, my pretty!
TONY: No. I meant the one they make you watch in high school. Thirty minutes of cops pulling dead teenagers out of car wrecks.
ABBY: Oh, my god! I love those! Blood on the Highway. Drink, Drive, Die! I keep hoping they're going to release them on DVD.
TONY: Yeah, me too.
ABBY: Yeah.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: What do we have?
TONY: Ah hey boss. I found a suitcase in back. Looks like he packed enough for about a weekend. Dive team will be back with the stuff from the debris field in a few hours.
GIBBS: Abs?
ABBY: The brake lines are corroded, but they're intact. Something's stuck. Whoa. Hey, Kate. I've got a present for you. I think it's one of your ex-boyfriends.
TONY: It's a cold fish! Get it, Kate?
MCGEE: I don't think this was an accident. It's a bullet.
GIBBS: McAllister was murdered.
(FADE OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. LAB - DAY
(SFX: MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY B.G.)
(MUSIC CLICKS OFF)
GIBBS: Your speakers are broken.
ABBY: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
GIBBS: Correction. Your ears are broken. What did the divers find?
ABBY: Actually, it's more like what didn't they find. My theory is they're getting paid by the piece. They recovered everything within a twenty meter radius of the vehicle. Sunglasses, golfballs, Rick James eight-track, typewriter. I didn't see any point in bringing the Maytag up from the evidence lockup.
GIBBS: Anything to do with the case?
ABBY: As a matter of fact, found directly beneath the vehicle... can you hear me now? I might be able to recover some data from the memory chip.
GIBBS: What about the bullet we brought up from the wreck last night?
ABBY: Forty five caliber, two hundred and thirty grain hardball. Lots and lots of stopping power. The grooving matches a Colt forty-five, old-school military version.
GIBBS: Did you work up a trajectory, yet?
ABBY: Of course. The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
GIBBS: Who?
ABBY: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin--
GIBBS: Stop!
ABBY: So using that angle, I back-traced the trajectory. The bullet traveled on this path. So unless he was driving with his feet from the backseat, which is something that I have tried but do not recommend...
GIBBS: Abby?
ABBY: The round had to have gone through McAllister's body.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
DUCKY: It's entirely possible, Jethro, but if Abby's animation is correct, the bullet passed clean through the thoracic cavity. Unfortunately, without leaving any evidence of its passing.
GIBBS: Hell of a shot.
DUCKY: Yeah.
GIBBS: The vehicle had to be going over seventy to end up where we found it in the lake.
DUCKY: Well, at that speed a bullet passing through the ribcage without so much as glancing a single bone... huh! A hell of a shot, indeed.
GIBBS: More like impossible. Thank you, Duck.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
JIMMY: Doctor?
DUCKY: He means the vehicle was stationary when Lieutenant McAllister was shot, Mister Palmer.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) Lieutenant McAllister was last seen in Norfolk on a Friday. Then found three hundred miles away in Black Lake, Virginia. (ON CAMERA) Which would make sense if he was heading here to the McAllister Family compound in Shenandoah.
MCGEE: So he was heading home for the weekend?
KATE: Another twenty miles and he would have made it, McGee.
GIBBS: DiNozzo?
TONY:
TONY: McAllister's military records are spotless, Boss. Been running background on his family. Mother died in ninety three. Father passed away in two thousand two... three months after the Lieutenant disappeared. The only surviving next of kin is this guy. Thomas McAllister, his younger brother. (CONT.) Washed out of Annapolis freshman year. Arrested a bunch of times for suspected DWI and marijuana possession. Never convicted.
KATE: Figures, the rich never are.
TONY: Even richer now, Kate. He inherited everything. He's currently the CEO of his own airline.
MCGEE: The Good Son and the Bad Seed.
KATE: Very Biblical.
TONY: The Navy notified him last night about his brother. CACO said he took it pretty well.
NCIS WORKER: Lunch!
KATE: Oh, thank you. I took the liberty of ordering lunch today. Something healthy for once. There you are. They're tofu veggie wraps. They're good, Tony. Abby and I eat them all the time.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, track down the bad seed. I want to know what he was doing around the time his brother disappeared.
TONY: Yeah, I already set up an interview for later this afternoon, Boss.
GIBBS: Take Kate. McGee, contact Cooper. I want to know how he found that vehicle.
MCGEE: So we're going to cooperate with him?
GIBBS: No, McGee, he's going to cooperate with me.
KATE: I'll be right back. I'm just going to run this down to Abby. Enjoy.
(SFX: ALL THROW VEGGIE WRAPS IN TRASH CAN)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HANGAR - DAY
(SFX: CAR DOORS CLOSE)
KATE: Beyond first class? You gotta be kidding me. You might as well call it Rich Jackass Airways.
TONY: I think it sounds cool.
KATE: You would.
TONY: What's that supposed to mean?
KATE: Nothing, Rockefeller.
TONY: Oh, I get it. So because I grew up with money that somehow makes me bad. Very deep.
KATE: Well, it's better than having to work everyday like I had to.
TONY: Listen, do you think money makes life easier? Huh? Everything was just a big ol' cakewalk for little Anthony DiNozzo? You tell me, Kate, because I really want to know.
KATE: I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean anything by it.
TONY: Because do you want to know the answer to your question? Yes. Money makes a huge difference. Huge. I miss it every single day of my life so much it makes me want to cry.
KATE: You're pathetic.
TONY: It's part of my charm.
KATE: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - DAY
TONY: All right, let's find this little twinkle toes .... Hey, there. We're looking for your boss, Thomas McAllister. Is he around?
THOMAS: You'll have to hold on a second. Could you pass me that socket wrench, please, Miss?
KATE: Is he even here or shall we stop by a country club or something?
THOMAS: I'm Tom McAllister.
TONY: Agents Todd, DiNozzo. NCIS.
KATE: Do you always work on your own planes, Mister McAllister?
THOMAS: Whenever I can find time in my busy social schedule down at the club, Agent Todd.
KATE: I'm sorry about that. I didn't...
THOMAS: It's fine. You would have been right a couple years ago. And please, call me Tom.
KATE: Kate. So, do you own all these planes?
THOMAS: Me and the bank. That's my new one out there. I plan on taking it for a test flight today if you're interested.
TONY: You don't seem too broken up for a guy who just lost his brother, Tom.
THOMAS: I've known he's been dead for quite some time, Agent DiNozzo. The first week you expect a ransom note. After a month you pray. A year... you just know.
KATE: When was the last time you talked to your brother?
THOMAS: About three months before the accident. Would you believe we grew up fishing at Black Lake?
TONY: The thing is it wasn't an accident.
THOMAS: The Navy, they said...
TONY: Your brother was murdered.
THOMAS: Are you absolutely positive about that?
KATE: He was shot on the weekend of October fourth, two thousand two. I'm sorry.
TONY: Considering his body was found dumped twenty miles from your house, we'd like to know where you were the weekend he disappeared?
THOMAS: Me? I was at home.
TONY: Anyone who can verify that?
THOMAS: I was with my father.
TONY: Let me rephrase. Is there anyone who can verify that is still alive?
THOMAS: No. Are you saying you think I did it?
KATE: We're just following up on any leads we can, Tom.
THOMAS: Of course. Whatever I can do to help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: I can't tell you what an honor this is, Sir. Thank you.
COOPER: Don't believe everything you read in the book, kid. It's called fiction for a reason.
MCGEE: I actually write a little myself. Is there any truth to the rumor that S.E. Eckhart is in fact you?
COOPER: If I was a bestselling author, would I be crawling through the swamps of Virginia searching for reward money?
MCGEE: No, I guess not.
COOPER: Damn straight. Now tell me about your boss. Is he always such a hardass?
MCGEE: Agent Gibbs? He's a lot like you, actually. In fact, the main character in my book is based on him.
COOPER: Oh, yeah. I hope you got a better deal than I got.
MCGEE: He doesn't know it... yet.
GIBBS: Don't know what, McGee?
COOPER: What a great guy I am, Gibbs.
GIBBS: You ready to tell me how you found McAllister?
COOPER: You ready to tell me what you pulled out of his car and his corpse?
GIBBS: Depends.
COOPER: On what?
GIBBS: How bad you want that million dollar reward.
COOPER: Oh, considering how I don't collect 'til you put the murderer behind bards, oh, you got me by the short hairs here, Gibbs. Yeah. I figured the Lieutenant headed home that weekend. But the back road that he liked to drive... I think it was washed out. Here, take a look at these weather patterns. I spent nine weeks getting these from the National Weather Service. Every Doppler readout, every satellite image I could find. Pocket of storms, real tight, near the road.
MCGEE: Enough to swell that creek alongside?
COOPER: Yeah, but only on that side of the mountain, kid. My educated guess? I think McAllister doubled back, took this road to the other side where the storm hadn't reached yet. See, the locals only use that road when there are bad storms.
MCGEE: It's right along Black Lake, Boss.
COOPER: I figured if somebody wanted to kill him, they had to know the roads and the weather the way McAllister did. And they'd have to know he was coming. Am I right?
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself.
KATE: What?
TONY: Kate Todd acting like a high school girl with a crush.
KATE: He's not a murderer, Tony.
TONY: I'm sorry, were you using the new NCIS magical murderer detector back there?
KATE: My gut.
TONY: Ah. If you were a guy, I would say you were using--
KATE: Don't even say it if you want to live!
GIBBS: What did Thomas McAllister have to say?
KATE: He hadn't heard from his brother in three months.
TONY: Definitely hiding something, boss.
KATE: My best guess, it was grief. There's no way he's involved, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Abs, what do you have?
KATE: The last three calls that came in on the phone from the lake were all made on Friday, October fourth.
GIBBS: Yeah?
KATE: And they were all from his brother, Thomas McAllister. Sorry, Kate.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY
(SFX: TRUNK CLOSES)
COOPER: This McAllister family's got more skeletons than a North Korean prison camp, Gibbs. That's everything I turned up. Six months of leg work. Is it okay to smoke in here, sweetheart?
KATE: It's Agent Todd, and no, Detective Cooper. It's a federal office building.
COOPER: It's a wonder you guys catch anybody working under these conditions.
KATE: We manage.
GIBBS: This supposed to be in some sort of order?
COOPER: The order is up here, Gibbs. And I'll be glad to lay it out for you once you tell me what you found in that wreck.
GIBBS: Lieutenant McAllister was shot.
COOPER: How many times?
KATE: At least once.
COOPER: You get the round?
GIBBS: It was recovered from the passenger-side door.
COOPER: Uh-huh. Pistol, huh? Rifle would go clear through.
GIBBS: Forty five.
COOPER: Ah. Car must have been stopped. He was approached, but not alarmed. Know his attacker? One shot, point blank. Blam. Poor sap never saw it coming. You know how, Gibbs. Want to know why?
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: Ow! Angle your end down, Probie.
MCGEE: I told you we should have taken the legs off.
TONY: Ow! Ow! I said down! What does Cooper need this thing for anyway?
MCGEE: He's old school. It's part of his process. He has solved every case he's taken on, Tony. How many detectives do you know with a hundred percent batting average?
TONY: You mean besides Gibbs?(SFX: TONY AND MCGEE STRUGGLE TO MOVE THE TABLE)
TONY: Finally.
GIBBS: Change of plans. We're doing this upstairs.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
MCGEE: Maybe we should take the stairs.
TONY: Maybe you should take the legs off like I told you to. I'm going to take the stairs.
MCGEE: I'm the one who said that--
TONY: Ah! Ah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
COOPER: Elaine McAllister, the mother. Into the occult in a big way. Psychic, séances, all that weird sh-stuff. She dies in ninety three, the family falls apart.
GIBBS: How?
COOPER: The old man. He took it pretty hard. He decided he was going to contact the dead wife. Starts neglecting the family business.
GIBBS: What do you mean by make contact?
COOPER: He consults this space cadet, Saleena Lockhart. Claimed to be a psychic.
KATE: I've heard of her. She used to have that tabloid astrology column.
TONY: I don't buy it.
KATE: Astrology?
TONY: No, you reading tabloids.
COOPER: She weasels her way into the old man's life. Next thing you know she's practically running it. McAllister Avionics starts to slide until it's almost bankrupt by two thousand.
GIBBS: How much money did he leave her?
COOPER: You're quick, Gibbs. Almost ten million. He changed his will two weeks after the Lieutenant went missing. The surviving brother, still fighting it in court.
TONY: She's kind of like Anna Nicole.
COOPER: Who?
GIBBS: That's what I said. McGee, run a background on this whack job. I want to know where she is right now.
MCGEE: On it, boss.
COOPER: I know what you're thinking. She didn't do it, Gibbs. This is a smoking gun. Thomas McAllister had a plan to save the family's fortune. He wanted to get out of avionics and into his own airline. And it's a good plan, but it involved leveraging every remaining asset the McAllister's had. The brother didn't agree.
GIBBS: The Lieutenant was cashing out of the company?
COOPER: And going his own way. This is the contract divesting him of all family business.
GIBBS: How'd you get this?
COOPER: You don't want to know. What you want to do is look at the date.
GIBBS: October fifth, two thousand two.
COOPER: The weekend he vanished. Luckily for the little brother, he didn't sign the contract.
GIBBS: I don't believe in luck.
COOPER: Neither do I. So when are you bringing McAllister in?
GIBBS: I'm not.
COOPER: What?! But it's all there! Motive, opportunity, the calls on the Lieutenant's cell phone.
GIBBS: When you were a cop, did you let civilians lay out your cases? Or did you work them yourself?
COOPER: NCIS has had this case for two years. How long am I supposed to wait?
GIBBS: 'Till I'm done! You are looking for the reward. I am looking for a killer.
COOPER: Thomas McAllister is your man, trust me!
GIBBS: I don't trust anyone either. Kate, how is your rapport with McAllister?
TONY: She's got more than a rapport, boss.
GIBBS: Well, good. Call him. You're having dinner with him tonight.
KATE: What if he says no?
TONY: The way he was looking at you? I think you're going to be the one saying no.
GIBBS: McGee, you find my psychic yet?
MCGEE: I have her business address. It's a TV talk show set in D.C. She's there now.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, you're with me. Hey Cooper! I trust you can find your way out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY
TONY: You believe in any of this psychic stuff?
GIBBS: No, you?
TONY: Ah, used one on a case in Baltimore once. Lead us right to this kidnapped five year old girl.
GIBBS: Is that a fact?
TONY: Yeah. How do you explain it?
GIBBS: Simple. She was probably in on it.
ASSISTANT: (V.O.) Rolling!
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo, NCIS. We're looking to find Saleena Lockhart.
ASSISTANT: Yeah, she's inside, but you can't go in. Hey! Hey, wait! They're still shooting! Damn!
(GIBBS AND TONY ENTER THE STAGE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. STAGE - DAY
SALEENA: And your grandfather wants you to know that he will always be with you, Sally. Always.
(SFX: SALLY CRIES)
(SFX: APPLAUSE)
SALLY PARKER: Thank you so much, Saleena.
SALEENA: And remember, look and you shall see, listen and you will hear. Our departed loved ones still have much to teach us.
(SFX: APPLAUSE)
TONY: Huh. You think this is how they do it on the Oprah Show?
GIBBS: Never believe what you see on TV.
SALEENA: Until next time, I'm Saleena Lockhart.
STAGE MANAGER: And cut!
(SFX: BELL)
SALEENA: Look and you shall see... spelled S-E-A? What kind of third grader is writing these cue cards!?
STAGE MANAGER: Just give us ten minutes and we'll shoot it again.
SALEENA: I am financing this pilot with my own money. I can't afford another of your ten minutes!
SALLY PARKER: If anybody needs me, I'll be in craft service.
SALEENA: Make sure you save some for the rest of the crew. What?!
ASSISTANT: There are two guys here to see you. I tried to stop them. Sorry.
GIBBS: Special Agents...
SALEENA: Gibbs and DiNozzo from NCIS. How may I help you?
GIBBS: You're the psychic. You tell me.
SALEENA: Brian McAllister. You found his remains in Black Lake.
TONY: Wow, she's good, Boss.
GIBBS: It's on the news, DiNozzo.
SALEENA: I told Brian's father that I felt Brian was in a cold, dark place.
GIBBS: You can say that. He was murdered.
SALEENA: Yes. Yes, he told me.
TONY: Who?
SALEENA: Brian. We connected through a passage on the other side.
GIBBS: Passage? That's what you call it?
SALEENA: You look skeptical. Oh, that's okay. You don't have to believe.
TONY: So did he tell you who did it?
SALEENA: It doesn't work that way, Agent DiNozzo. Can I get a green tea, please?
GIBBS: How does it work?
SALEENA: Well, I get impressions, feelings. I don't get specific details.
GIBBS: Do you have any feeling about his father including you in his will?
SALEENA: I didn't ask him.
GIBBS: I'm not a psychic, but considering he was a fighter pilot, I'd say he'd be pretty pissed off about it.
SALEENA: Your point, Agent Gibbs?
GIBBS: Where were you the weekend Lieutenant McAllister was murdered?
SALEENA: Luray. Luray Caverns. I was hosting a spiritual retreat.
TONY: Luray? Hey boss, isn't that about fifteen miles from Black Lake?
GIBBS: Can you tell me what I'm thinking now, Miss Lockhart?
SALEENA: I don't have to be a psychic to tell that. Could we discuss this outside please? Your energy is disrupting my set. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY
SALEENA: Look, I had nothing to do with Brian's disappearance. You should talk to his brother.
GIBBS: Yeah? Why is that?
SALEENA: Thomas was the black sheep, and he hated Brian. I may be many things, Agent Gibbs, but I am not a murderer.
GIBBS: But you talk to dead people.
SALEENA: I have over a dozen people who can verify my whereabouts on that weekend. One of them is a senator.
TONY: We'll need their names.
SALEENA: My lawyer will get them to you. Now, is there something else I can do for you?
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS KNOCKS SALEENA TO THE GROUND)
(SFX: GUNSHOTS)
GIBBS: You didn't see that one coming, did you?
TONY: Sonovabitch!
GIBBS: Did you get a license number?
TONY: Yeah, I got one.
GIBBS: That's a good job, Tony.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: It's definitely from a forty-five round, guys. Just give me a sec to line up the rifling patterns.
GIBBS: You run the plates?
ABBY: Came back stolen.
TONY: Figures.
ABBY: The markings are a match. It's from the same pistol that killed Lieutenant McAllister two years ago.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. NCIS HEADQUARTERS - DAY
TONY: Why don't we just drag McAllister in for questioning, Boss?
GIBBS: Because his lawyers make more in one hour than you make all week.
TONY: That's an excellent point. So you're saying I deserve a raise? Or not.
GIBBS: We need more than circumstantial evidence to take McAllister down.
TONY: I agree. But what do we get out of Kate going on a date with him?
GIBBS: I get to search his house for that Colt forty-five without him knowing.
TONY: And if it turns out he's our murderer?
GIBBS: That's why you're going with her.
KATE: I'm meeting him at the airport in twenty minutes, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Hey, I need you to distract him for at least two hours so we can search his house.
KATE: Shouldn't be a problem. He already invited me to dinner. (LONG BEAT) So, how do I look?
TONY: Eh.
KATE: What do you mean, eh?
TONY: I mean... yeah. You look fine. What's wrong with fine?
KATE: I'm going for hot here, Tony.
TONY: Well, in that case, do you mind?
MCGEE: Boss, I got the search warrant.
GIBBS: Yeah, you're with me. Get your things.
TONY: Yeah, now that...that is hot.
GIBBS: Are you two done playing dress-up?
KATE AND TONY: (IN UNISON) Done.
GIBBS: All right, get moving. I want a comm check in fifteen minutes.
KATE: On it.
GIBBS: Hey Kate, you looked better the other way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HANGAR - NIGHT
TONY: (V.O.) How do you read me, Kate? (V.O./FILTERED) Say again?
KATE: (V.O.) I said (ON CAMERA) loud and clear.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Slide the mic... (ON CAMERA) closer to your throat, please.
KATE: How's that?
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Crystal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
(DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: Hello? Hello?
THOMAS: Kate. Whoa, do I feel underdressed.
KATE: Well - when you said dinner...?
THOMAS: Hey, I'm not complaining. You look fantastic.
KATE: Thank you. So where are we going?
THOMAS: Actually, I thought we might stay here. If you survive my cooking, there's a few things I'd like to tell you about my big brother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. MCALLISTER HOME - NIGHT
MCGEE: Uh... Boss? Where are we going?
GIBBS: We're going around back, McGee.
(SFX: MCGEE RATTLES THE DOORKNOB)
MCGEE: It's locked, Boss.
GIBBS: Well, yeah, McGee. That's kind of the point of having doors.
MCGEE: The last two times I encountered a situation like this, Tony threw a rock through a window, Kate climbed in a second story window.
GIBBS: Huh. You don't say.
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Let's go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
THOMAS: I wasn't entirely truthful this afternoon, Kate. When you come from the type of family I did, you get used to keeping secrets.
KATE: What kind of secrets?
THOMAS: My parents were always a bit eccentric. When my mom died, my Dad pretty much lost it.
KATE: He started talking to dead people?
THOMAS: You've been checking up on me.
KATE: It's my job, Tom.
THOMAS: At first I thought it was harmless. But the psychic he was seeing, she started manipulating him, really cutting him off from the rest of the family.
KATE: Saleena Lockhart.
THOMAS: Really checking up on me.
KATE: What did your brother think of her?
THOMAS: He didn't. Brian was too busy with his Naval career. He wasn't around to see the damage she was doing.
KATE: Somebody tried to kill her today.
THOMAS: I thought about it myself more than once.
KATE: A lot of people think it was you.
THOMAS: What do you think, Kate?
KATE: Well I'm here, aren't I?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MCALLISTER HOME - NIGHT
(SFX: DOOR OPENS B.G.)
(DOOR OPENS QUICKLY)
GIBBS: NCIS!!
COOPER: Hey, do you mind?
GIBBS: Cooper, what are you doing here?
COOPER: Same thing you are.
GIBBS: I have a warrant.
COOPER: Are you going to arrest me?
GIBBS: It depends.
COOPER: On what?
GIBBS: What you found.
COOPER: I'm hoping a million dollars. I checked all the local counties. Thomas McAllister doesn't own any handguns. But his old man? Bit of a gun nut. Even owns a Colt forty-five.
GIBBS: Recently fired.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, Boss.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Take him down.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm on it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
THOMAS: I called Brian the weekend he went missing. I was trying to get him to come home, talk some sense into Dad. He said he'd think about it.
KATE: Why would you lie to us about it?
THOMAS: Because I thought that I was responsible for his death.
KATE: Were you?
THOMAS: When they found his car in Black Lake, I thought he finally decided to listen to me for once. The roads in Hastings are deathtraps in the daytime... at night, when you're tired?
KATE: You thought it was an accident?
THOMAS: Until you told me he was murdered. Only one person stood to gain from his death, Saleena Lockhart.
KATE: Unfortunately, there is one more.
(SFX: THOMAS OPENS THE CONTRACT)
THOMAS: He never would have signed this.
TONY: Thomas McAllister. You're under arrest for the murder of your brother.
THOMAS: So I guess dessert is out of the question.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
GIBBS: Are you okay?
KATE: I'm fine.
GIBBS: You don't look fine.
ABBY: I hope I'm getting overtime for this, Gibbs, because I'm missing my cousin's birthday.
GIBBS: Were they a match?
ABBY: It's the same weapon that killed the Lieutenant and shot up the makeup trailer today.
GIBBS: Thanks, Abs.
KATE: Figures. I finally meet a nice guy and he turns out to be a murderer.
ABBY: Happens to Tony all the time. Hey, do me a favor, Kate.
KATE: What?
ABBY: My back is killing me. I'm waiting. And don't shortchange me this time.
KATE: You know, your muscles wouldn't be so tight if you stopped drinking all that caffeine crap that Gibbs is always bringing you.
ABBY: (V.O.) Oh, but I love the caffeine crap, Kate!
GIBBS: Abby, I need you out here! Now! How much time did you spend on this door?
ABBY: Um... enough to get the bullet's trajectory. I was going to test for metal fatigue and age in the morning.
GIBBS: Do it tonight.
ABBY: Why? I mean, I'll have it for you in thirty minutes, Sir.
GIBBS: Kate will help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Well, it looks like you did it again, Mister Cooper.
COOPER: Oh, I'm getting old, kid. I think I'm going to retire after this one.
TONY: If you ask me, we should get fifty percent of that million.
COOPER: Too bad life ain't fair, DiNozzo. Oh, it's about time. In my day we didn't wait two hours to interrogate someone.
TONY: Let me guess, you just beat it out of them?
COOPER: Yeah, something like that.
THOMAS: (V.O.) I'm sure you hear this a lot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
THOMAS: I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: I know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: What the hell kind of interrogation is that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: You're free to go, Mister McAllister.
(DOOR OPENS)
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
COOPER: It's not enough I do your job for you, now you want to arrest me for it?
GIBBS: Ah, we do owe you for finding the Lieutenant for us, Cooper. The problem is, it isn't murder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: Give me a break, Gibbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: You saw the evidence.
GIBBS: I did. Brian McAllister died in a car accident. The bullet fired into his car wasn't from two years ago. (V.O.) The metal around the impact was only recently exposed to water. Two weeks (ON CAMERA) sound about right to you?
COOPER: What's this got to do with me?
GIBBS: The reward was offered for finding the Lieutenant's killer. In order to collect, you had to manufacture one.
COOPER: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
GIBBS: It might have worked. We would have found that gun eventually. But you just couldn't wait. What are you going to do with the money, Cooper? Hmm? Gambling debts? Retirement? Taking those shots at Saleena Lockhart. That was overkill. Too bad we caught you putting it back.
COOPER: Yeah? Good luck proving it.
GIBBS: Oh, I will. This is an Instant Shooter I.D. Kit. It'll tell me if you fired a gun recently.
COOPER: Swab away, Gibbs. There's no gun residue on these hands.
GIBBS: Oh, a private dick like you... I'll bet you were wearing gloves. I figure any man who solves the unsolvable needs a trademark. And I'm betting yours is that tacky trench coat. You probably never take it off, huh?
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS PERFORMS THE TEST)
GIBBS: If this comes up blue, I've got you for attempted murder. Good luck trying to collect that million dollars. Get up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: I don't believe it.
TONY: Sorry, Probie. I felt the same way when I found out professional wrestling was fake.
MCGEE: But he was going to frame an innocent man just for the reward?
TONY: It's all about the Benjamins.
MCGEE: Sometimes. Not always.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
THOMAS: You up for that dessert now?
KATE: At two thirty in the morning?
THOMAS: I think I might know a place that's still open.
KATE: And where would that be?(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
THOMAS: New York. Sometimes it's good to own your own airline.
TONY: New York? I love New York.
KATE: It's a small plane, Tony.
THOMAS: Maybe next time.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE SHUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SKY - NIGHT
KATE: (V.O.) So you're Catholic, right?
(MUSIC OUT)


ACT ONE
Scene One  Hallway Outside Frasier's Apartment
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roz is standing at the door to Frasier's apartment when the elevator opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Mel get off. All four are dressed in black.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz: Oh, there you are. I brought something for Daphne and I was just gonna leave it with the doorman. [Daphne begins to cry]
Frasier: Oh, lord.
Reset to: Living Room They go in. Daphne heads into the powder room.
Roz: Did I say something?
Frasier: Well, actually our doorman, Morrie, passed away this week. We just got back from the funeral.
Roz: Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, she's been a little high-strung all week, even before he died. I guess it's just wedding stuff, you know.
Roz: Yeah.
Daphne comes back.
Daphne: Ooh, sorry 'bout that. So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without wearing something borrowed. [Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer.
Roz backhands him in the stomach as he grins.
Daphne: Thank you so much, Roz.
Mel: Does anybody besides me feel like a cup of coffee?
Frasier: Oh, I'll brew a pot.
Mel: Oh, don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee. [Then] Kidding!
Niles laughs. She heads for the kitchen.
Roz: [picking up a folder] The Wayside Inn. This is where you're having your wedding? Oh gosh, it's just so beautiful.
Daphne: I hope it is, the planning's been a nightmare. I spent an hour today on the seating charts. Everyone has some demand. "Don't sit me near the band", "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"...
Roz: Oh my God, you can't seat me next to him.
Daphne: Exactly! Every selfish, whiny little thing...
Roz: No, you cannot seat me next to Tim Walsh. I dated him all last summer and he dumped me.
Daphne: He's going with my bridesmaid Annie. I have to seat the bridesmaids together.
Roz: This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetop.
Roz: Shut up, ya big doily! This is gonna be awful! Here I am at a wedding, sitting next to a guy who dumped me!
Frasier: Oh, come on Roz, you won't be alone. You'll be on the arm of a well-known Seattle boulevardier and radio star.
Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, yes, we should have canceled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20/20.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEMENTO MORRIE
Scene Two - Frasier's Living Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Martin enters carrying a gift bag.
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hi, Martin. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Morrie.
Martin: Oh, thanks. Yeah, his wife just did the nicest thing. I guess she knew Eddie and I'd stop by and shoot the breeze with him, so she gave us something to remember him by.
Frasier: Oh, well. [Reading the tag] "For Martin and Eddie." Gee, isn't that nice?
Martin: Yeah, I think it's some kinda wine.
Frasier: Well, yes I'd say so, but...
He pulls out the bottle, reads the label, and gasps.
Frasier: My God, Dad! This is a 1945 Chateau Petrus!
Martin: Oh, yeah? She said he got it from his uncle who was in France after the war.
Frasier: Well, it's one of the rarest bottles in the world!
Martin: Well, if you're good, maybe Eddie'll give you a glass out of his half.
Martin exits to the kitchen as Niles comes over to examine the bottle.
Niles: I've never even seen a '45 Petrus!
Roz: Oh, poor Morrie. He probably waited his whole life for an occasion special enough to open that bottle.
Frasier: Yes. Perhaps this should be a lesson for us all. Morrie might be standing guard at the door to heaven right now, but he's buzzing us with one last message: Live life now. I'm reminded of a parable...
Knock on the door.
Daphne/Niles/Roz: Come in!
The door opens and Simon (Daphne's obnoxious brother) enters with a duffel bag.
Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Frasier: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here. [spots Roz] Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
She crosses toward the door.
Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
She slams the door in his face.
Simon: Roz! Of course!
Martin: [entering from kitchen] Well, look who's back!
Simon: Well, who's this then? I'd say it was Marty Crane, but he's a bit too young and trim, eh?
Martin: Oh, go on! Can I offer you a beer?
Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone, could I have a sandwich with that?
Martin and Simon exit to the kitchen.
Frasier: If that beer-swilling boomerang thinks he's staying here, he's got another thing coming.
Niles: Better get a move on, he's already got your address on his duffel bag.
The phone rings, Daphne gets it and goes to her room. Mel enters from the kitchen with a cup of coffee.
Mel: We'd better get going if we're going to reach the cabin by dark.
Frasier: Cabin?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I are celebrating our six-month anniversary by taking a little mid-week getaway to her friend's country place.
Mel: Yes, no phones, no stress, just two days of rest and relaxation. I do have to pick up a little anniversary gift, though, so give me nine minutes and pick me up at the northwest corner of Pike and Elm at 4:42.
Mel and Niles refer to their watches.
Mel: Coming up on 4:33...
Niles: Synchronizing...
Mel: Now! [Then] Good, I'm relaxing already.
She kisses Niles and leaves. Martin and Simon enter from the kitchen.
Simon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Frasier: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!
Martin: Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago! Come on Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier: Oh, lord. Simon, you know I...
Simon: Oh, no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was just sayin' about you in the kitchen.
Frasier: [chuckles] Good one.
Simon: [sotto to Martin] He thinks I'm joking.
Simon and Martin leave.
Niles: Join me in a sherry, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, I think I will, Niles.
Niles: You know, I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about this trip. I have a feeling Mel may make another push for us to live together.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: She's been bringing it up quite a bit lately. She says it's a good way for us to test our relationship.
Frasier: You're afraid you'll discover things about each other that you won't like?
Niles: Oh, no. No, no. We're past that stage. She knows my likes and dislikes. I've come attuned to her various quirks... eccentricities... bugaboos.... bκte noirs... night terrors. It's the fun of being in love. I don't know what's bothering me.
Frasier: Is it possible that your foot-dragging might have anything to do with some lingering feelings for Daphne?
Niles: Frasier, uh, you must realize I put that behind me months ago.
Frasier: Just asking.
Niles: I'm very happy with Mel.
Frasier: Well then, what's your problem?
Niles: Uh, well, let's see. I just got through with a rough divorce. I do have a tendency to be overly cautious...
Frasier: This could be a chance to change all that.
Niles: So you're in favor of it?
Frasier: Well, I've never really been the president of the Mel fan club, but she does seem to make you happy. And as we were reminded this morning, life is not to be taken in baby steps. Ask not for whom the doorman buzzes...
Niles: Thank you. All right. That was much-needed therapy.
He gets up to leave.
Frasier: Well, it was my pleasure. You're my brother, you get the family rate.
Martin comes in as Niles gets to the door.
Martin: Hey, guys. Got all the way down to the Winnebago and realized I had the wrong keys.
Niles: See you guys in a couple of days.
Martin: All right.
Niles leaves, Daphne enters from her room on the phone.
Daphne: You don't say, mum. Your phlebitis again? She looks pleadingly at Frasier and holds the phone out.
Frasier: [bellowing] Daphne!
Daphne: Got to go now, mum, Dr. Crane's on the warpath again. Bye. [Hangs up, then to Frasier] Thank you!
Martin: Daph, I'm glad you're here, because I was thinking about that wine of Morrie's. You know, that's something really for a special occasion. So, I'd like you to have for the wedding, enjoy it on your honeymoon.
Daphne: [starting to cry] Oh, Mr. Crane!
She hugs him and cries on his shoulder.
Martin: Oh, Daphne, come on. Come on now, it's only a bottle of wine. I don't even know that much about it. Frasier? Help me out here, will you?
Frasier: Well Dad, Chateau Petrus is a premier crux Bordeaux...
Martin: No, no, no. No, I mean with Daphne.
Frasier comes over and holds Daphne.
Martin: There you go.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.
Martin leaves.
Daphne: I'm sorry to get so emotional like this.
Frasier: It's all right. The funeral must've really upset you.
Daphne: It's not that. Dr. Crane? I've wanted to talk to you about this all week, but I haven't known what to say. You promise you'll keep this just between us?
Frasier: Of course.
Daphne: It's about your brother. You see, I know.
Frasier: Know what?
Daphne: I know about his feelings for me.
Frasier: My God! How did you find out?
Daphne: It's not important.
Frasier: Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just mind their own business? Who was the nattering gossip? Roz? Dad?
Daphne: You.
Frasier: What?
Daphne: You were taking those pills for your back and you blurted it out while I was giving you a massage.
Frasier: Oh, well, they were very strong pills, you see...
Daphne: Needless to say, it completely took my breath away. At first, I tried to forget about it, put it out of my mind.
Frasier: Well, the bottle said just to take one, but I'm a big man...
Daphne: Oh, will you shut up about those pills?!
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Daphne: Anyway, after a while, I couldn't put it out of my mind anymore. I find myself thinking about him all the time.
Frasier: Daphne... are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne: I think I do. Oh, I don't know! Even if I did, he may not feel that way about me anymore, he's with Mel now!
Frasier: I-I don't know what to tell you, Daph. Uh, I, I, think the best thing is for you to, to try to find a way to talk with Niles.
Daphne: Ugh. That's not an easy conversation to have.
Frasier: It's easier now than after you're married.
Daphne: You're right, I have to talk to him. And right away. I'm already making myself sick over this. If I leave it any longer, I'll be a complete basket case. Uh, did he mention if he was going home?
Frasier: Well, ah, actually, um, ah, he's going, ah, somewhere else first. Um...
Daphne: Where?
CUT TO: the hallway. Martin and Simon are getting off the elevator.
Martin: Get you some towels and you'll be all set down there.
Simon: Right.
They enter the apartment, Daphne is again sobbing on Frasier's shoulder.
Martin: Oh, geez, Daphne! It's just a bottle of wine!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FATTER
Scene One - Frasier's Living Room. The doorbell rings.
Daphne: [v.o.] I'll get it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daphne is in the apartment, eating cookies from a large bag. She puts the bag down, composes herself... and opens the door to reveal Frasier holding a lot of packages.
Daphne: Oh. Dr. Crane! I didn't even know you'd gone out. I thought you might be your brother.
Frasier: Well, I went down to get the mail and got all these wedding gifts for you. But don't worry, Niles called and said he'd be coming by this afternoon.
Daphne: [picking up the bag and eating another cookie] I don't even know how I'm going to begin this conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure those chocolate-chip blackened teeth'll be a nice icebreaker.
Daphne: I've been so nervous lately, I've done nothing but stuff myself with junk food.
Frasier takes the bag and the doorbell rings.
Daphne: Oh, it's him!
Frasier: All right, all right, fine. You're gonna be just fine. Okay? Remember to speak from the heart.
She goes to the door, composes herself... and opens the door to Martin.
Daphne: Mr. Crane!
Martin: Thanks! Eddie started doing his "I don't know how much longer I can hold this" dance and I just ran out without my keys. Have you ever seen him do that dance?
Frasier: Just the droll impression of it you do at parties, Dad.
Daphne: [again eating cookies] You know, Mr. Crane, Eddie seems awfully fidgety. I don't think he got enough exercise on that walk.
Martin: Anybody needs any exercise, it's you, the way you're eating now. You know, when they put "Party Size" on that cookie bag, they don't mean party of one.
The doorbell rings again. Frasier takes the bag and Daphne composes herself again  then opens the door to Simon.
Daphne: Simon! What do you want?
Simon: Well, I've just come to borrow a pen so I can fill out this job application.
Frasier: What? Oh, you're applying for work? Well here, allow me. [Gives him a pen] Gosh, we'll miss you around here, but onward and upward! [laughs] So, what's the job?
Simon: Doorman.
Frasier gasps and staggers, as Daphne supports him.
Frasier: Dear God.
Simon: Well, it's ideal for me, really. Nice cozy chair, plenty of time to think the long, long thoughts of youth. Not to mention what the uniforms do for the ladies, ah? [laughs] If memory serves, a certain bellhop back in Manchester found that out with a young lady who will remain nameless.
Daphne: Simon! [to Frasier] I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin' him one!
Frasier: Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here, have a cookie. [Gives her the bag, she eats one]
Simon: What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you knocked up or somethin'?
Daphne: Of course not!
She storms toward him, Frasier grabs her.
Simon: Now, now, you wouldn't be the first person in our family to be walking down the aisle carrying more than just a bouquet.
Daphne lunges at him, with Frasier holding her back. The doorbell rings again.
Frasier: Uh, Simon, why don't you finish filling that out in the kitchen and help yourself to a beer?
Simon: Well, great!
He goes to the kitchen. Frasier takes the bag as Daphne composes herself again... and opens the door to-
Daphne: Roz!
Roz: Hi, guys! Hey, Frasier? I felt kinda bad about the other day, dumping you as my wedding date...
Frasier: You want me back, don't you?
Roz: And I'm sick about it. But I can't find anybody else.
Frasier: Sorry Roz, I already invited somebody else, she's driving up on Saturday to join me.
Roz: Well, get rid of her! I need a date! I'm desperate!
Simon enters from the kitchen with a beer.
Simon: Well, well, somebody here is singin' my favorite song.
Roz: Simon? There's a guy who lives in the park across the street from me. He wears a cat suit and meows at people. If he's busy, maybe I'll call you.
Simon: I'm prettying myself up, just in case. Speaking of which, Daphne, I borrowed your blow dryer for my job interview.
Daphne: I spent an hour looking for that! I thought I was losing my mind!
Simon: Well, that does happen to women in your condition. You know, in the family way.
Martin: [entering] You're pregnant?
Daphne: I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Simon: What, just another scare, then? Like that time back in school with that Pakistani chap?
Daphne: [lunges at him] Right, that's it, you pig!
Roz ducks out of the way. Frasier gets in front of her, scoops her over his shoulder and heads for the door.
Daphne: Oh, put me down!
Frasier: Daphne and I are going out for a breath of fresh air, perhaps retrieve her blow dryer. Oh, if Niles should happen to stop by, keep him here. There's something important I need to discuss with him.
He is going out into the hall as he says this.
Reset to: Hallway He shuts the door.
Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, put me down!
Frasier: Not until you promise not to kill your brother.
The elevator opens, he goes in and puts her down. There is a neighbor with a basket of laundry next to them.
Daphne: Oh, all right! It's not as if he doesn't deserve it, telling everyone I'm carrying Donny's baby! Like I don't have enough to worry about today, waiting for Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, you have to calm down.
Daphne: It's not easy. I don't even know how to begin with him. "Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding? And by the way, I think I might be in love with you."
Frasier: You'll find the words when the time comes, all right? [Glares at the neighbor] And don't pretend you're not listening, Mrs. Richman! Your laundry is not that interesting.
[N.B. Mrs. Richman is Doris from [5.09], Perspectives on Christmas.]
Back in the apartment, Roz is on the phone.
Roz: Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a good time. I mean a REALLY good time, if you get my drift. [Pause] You might have mentioned I was on speaker-phone!
She disconnects.
Simon: Listen to what you're doing, Roz. It's not very dignified, is it?
Martin: Come on Roz, give Simon a chance.
Roz: So he can stand me up again?
Simon: And miss my sister's wedding? Never! If you're worried about my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some very nice Armani suits.
Martin: Or you could just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz: What did you think he was talking about? All right. But Simon, just remember my ex-boyfriend will be there. If anybody asks, you're an internet millionaire.
Simon: Right. I'll be the perfect, well-bred, up-market gentleman. Now, I'll walk you to the garage.
Roz: Ah, you don't have to.
Simon: No, it's no bother. I live there.
They go to the door and open it to find (at last!) Niles. He is wearing a large grin.
Niles: Roz!
Roz: Niles.
Niles: Simon!
Simon: Well, by the look of that smile on your face, I'd say somebody got himself a bit last night. [gestures lewdly with arms]
Niles: [looking shocked and appalled] I find that remark rude, boorish and IMPOSSIBLE TO DENY! [Breaks out laughing]
Simon: Brilliant!
Simon gives Niles a punch in the arm, knocking him back into the hallway. Roz just looks disgusted as they leave. Niles comes in.
Martin: Niles, how was your trip?
Niles: Oh, fantastic, Dad. Where's Frasier? I have some news.
Martin: He'll be back in a bit. What's up?
Niles: Oh, well, uh, I should wait for Frasier, it was really his idea. Do you mind?
Martin: I can wait.
Niles: Okay, I can't!
Martin: What is it?
Niles: I'm married!
Beat.
Martin: Married?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I eloped yesterday. [Martin is stunned] Well?
Martin: [gets up to hug him] Well... congratulations, son! That's great. So, uh, you're happy, right?
Niles: Oh, happy? I'm delirious!
Martin: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, you say this was Frasier's idea?
Niles: Well, indirectly, yeah. Oh, oh, before I forget: it occurred to me, I think we should keep this from Daphne and Donny. I would hate for them to think we were stealing their thunder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier comes in.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, three guesses what I did yesterday...
Frasier: What?
Daphne enters behind him (with her blow dryer).
Niles: Daphne.
Daphne: Dr. Crane.
Niles: [to Martin] Oh, send Daphne away.
Daphne: [to Frasier] Get rid of your father.
Martin: Daphne, could you go to the drugstore? I'm all out of liniment and my back's gettin' kinda achy.
Frasier: You know, Dad, that's because you've been sitting in that chair all day. I'll tell you what, you know what you could use? A good walk to the drugstore. Do you a world of good. I'll go with you.
Frasier grabs Martin's arm and cane and starts dragging him to the door.
Martin: Well, okay, all right. Niles, why don't you come too?
Niles: Yeah, we'll all go. [He starts to follow]
Frasier: No, no, there's something very important I need to discuss with Dad, Niles. I'm sure you understand.
Martin: Fras...!
Frasier slams the door behind them. Niles and Daphne look at each other a moment and then Niles's cell phone goes off.
Niles: Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? Mel, darling! Oh, just hanging out with Daphne.
CUT TO: the hallway. Frasier and Martin are waiting for the elevator.
Frasier: Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
Martin: I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted to talk to you?
The elevator opens and they get on. Mrs. Richman is there, without the basket, apparently going back for another load.
Frasier: Well, whatever it is, it can wait.
Martin: Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Frasier: What?
Martin: He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Richman: Poor Daphne...
Frasier: Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman? We have got to get back up there. [Stabs at the buttons]
Martin: We're going to the basement.
Frasier: I can't wait that long!
The doors open on a lower floor. Frasier runs around the corner to the stairs.
CUT BACK TO: the living room.
Niles: [on phone] I'll see you later, darling. [Hangs up] Sorry about that.
Daphne: It's all right.
Niles sits down on the couch.
Niles: So, forty-eight hours 'til the big day, you must be pretty excited.
Daphne: It's funny you should mention that. [Sits on the couch beside him] You see, Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Frasier: [bursts through door] NILES!
Niles and Daphne stand up in shock; Frasier freezes in the door, wondering if his entrance was precipitous.
Daphne: Dr. Crane! You're back awfully soon!
Niles: You're all out of breath, is something wrong?
Frasier: Ah, no, no. It's just there's something I need to discuss with Niles.
Daphne: What, now? We were just having a chat!
Frasier: Well I'm sure it can wait.
Niles: Actually Daphne, I need to talk to Frasier, too. If you don't mind.
Daphne: Oh! Of course not! It's not like I have anything important to talk about!
She storms off to her room, grabbing the bag of cookies on her way. Martin comes in behind Frasier.
Niles: Daphne all right?
Frasier: Well, uh, it's just wedding stuff, I guess. Speaking of which, I understand you have some, some news? You're married?
Niles: Yes. I guess Dad couldn't contain himself any more than I could.
Frasier: Well, I thought you were just gonna move in together.
Niles: Well, so did I! But then the strangest thing happened. As we talked about it, we got more and more excited about the idea of being together. And then I remembered your advice.
Martin gives Frasier a very hooded look right here.
Niles: To stop taking baby steps through life. Before we knew it, we were asking the waitress for a phone book so we could find a justice-of-the-peace.
The doorbell rings, Martin gets it.
Frasier: Well, what can I say, but... congratulations.
Niles: Thank you!
They hug. Martin opens the door, it is Mel with a bottle of champagne.
Mel: Martin! Or should I say "Dad"?
Martin: [nervous] Yeah, I heard.
Frasier: Mel.
Daphne comes out of her room behind Niles.
Niles: Darling... oh, darling, it occurred to me that perhaps we should keep this quiet from Daphne.
Daphne: Keep what quiet?
Mel: Oh, we can't keep something like this a secret! [takes Niles's hand] We got married!
Daphne: [freezes for a second, then] Did you?
Behind Niles and Mel, Frasier looks heartsick.
Niles: Yes, while we were out of town. But the last thing we want is to upstage you and Donny, so we are not mentioning this outside this room.
Mel makes a little lip-locking gesture.
Daphne: [coming to them and taking each of their hands] Well, I am just so happy for you both.
Niles: We're having champagne. Would you like to join us?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. But I have to get a check down to the caterers, they're closing early today.
Frasier: Let me drive you over, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, no, I'm fine. Congratulations again. Oh, save a glass for me.
CUT TO: the hallway. She goes out into the hallway. We follow as she pushes the button for the elevator. Her shoulders shake with sobs she is holding back.
As the elevator doors open, her face breaks and she lets out a sob. Mrs. Richman is standing there with her basket. She puts it down, opens her arms and takes Daphne into a hug to cry on her shoulder.
END OF ACT TWO


Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]
Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail.
Kevin: That's me. [repeats]
Andy: Fail.
Oscar: Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail!
Dwight: Fail!
Jim: I deserved that.
Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do.
Darryl: That was a triple.
Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl: My pleasure.
[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry]
Andy: I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly]
Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Jim: I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs]
Andy: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy: [Group continues chanting "Fail!"]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you.
Jim: You got it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?!
Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Andy: Oh.
Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie: It's not..it's-
Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie: Well then if I could just convince...
Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling..
Nellie: You.
Andy: With fury...
Nellie: It's not..it's not
Andy: Down the sides..
Nellie: Entrapment if I'm..
Andy: Of the hourglass..
Nellie: ..writing..
Andy: Time's up!
Nellie: Fine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Pam: Week off. That'd be great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl: You're the tutorial.
Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl: You could be.
Clark: Mm-mm.
Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl: Correct.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]
Dwight: What? Come on.
Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [reading from computer] "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..."
Dwight: Had 'em all my life.
Jim:"..breast pain..."
Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim: Oof. "Infertility."
Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]
Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?
Jim: What?
Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god.
Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam: Yeah, OK then.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith: Nice job.
Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Jim: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: What's this?
Andy: Whoa!
Jim: What?
Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs..
Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no....
Stanley: Shh!
Oscar: Shh!
Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]
Angela: Ooh!
Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela: Oh my god!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry.
Meredith: Lose weight.
Erin: I'm trying. Sorry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well.
Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie: Oh thank you so much!
Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark: It's a medical thing.
Jim: Just...you good?
Clark: I'm good. I..
Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]
Pam: Oh my god! Ah!
Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]
Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?
Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Jim: Andy!
Andy: Yo. Dudeces.
Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin: As would I.
Stanley: No question.
Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin: Yes! [Group cheers]
Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]
Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Jim: You got it.
Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop.
Clark: Come back.
Darryl: Too late.
Clark: Mmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam: My name is Pam.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: I like to paint.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: You think you're better?
Group: Yeah!
Pam: Oh no you ain't!
Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: That is my name.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: They call me Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: Cause that's my name.
Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin: Never say that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in]
Group: Next stop pies!
Kevin: Next stop pies!
Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: Wh...
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Group: No!
Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim: What do we want?!
Group: Pies!
Jim: When do we want it?!
Group: Pies!
Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!
Meredith: Oh my!
Jim: What are you doing?
Meredith: Dwight, what the hell?
Oscar: Dwight!
Clark: What?
Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just..
Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]
Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]
Meredith: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight: I'm barren, Jim.
Jim: What?
Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Jim: No.
Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]
Jim: I'll take it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Andy?
Andy: Who is it?
Nellie: Um, is this a good time?
Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie: Oh, why, is there something?
Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie: Alright then.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim: That doesn't matter.
Dwight: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim: Ok...that's not...
Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete: I don't think that's Nelly.
Andy: What?
Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Dwight: Bildenkinder.
Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?
Jim: It's pretty good actually.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]
Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]
Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam: You feel OK now?
Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Jim: Don't..
Pam: the one pie that I don't.
Jim: Don't..
Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]
Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!
Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Oh.
Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]
Nellie: Oh, you signed it?
Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: [Reading] "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar: What?
Kevin: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.
Jim: We did it.
Pam: You did it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: My name is Andy!
Group: [bored] Yeah.
Andy: I don't do drugs!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Now check the style!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]
Pam: Role call.
Phyllis: Role call.
Oscar: Role call.
Creed: What?


Genesis of the Daleks
by: Terry Nation Part Five
Running time: 23:27
[SCENE_BREAK]
HARRY: Doctor, please, don't tell. Doctor.
DOCTOR: All right, all right! Just leave them alone.
DOCTOR: The Dalek invasion of the Earth in the year 2000 was foiled because of an attempt by the Daleks to mine the core of the planet. The magnetic properties of the Earth were... Mars... the Daleks were defeated by a virus that attacked the insulation on the cables in their electrical systems. ...In the space year seventeen thousand was halted by the intervention of a fleet of war rockets from the planet Hyperon. The rockets were made of a metal that was completely resistant to Dalek firepower. The Dalek Task Force was completely destroyed.
DAVROS: This seems an opportune moment to end this session. Nyder. Release the prisoners. Take them to the detention area.
DAVROS: Interrogation will continue later. And I must thank you, Doctor. What you have told me will be invaluable.
DAVROS: All this information, this foreknowledge, will be programmed into the Dalek memory banks. Take them away.
DAVROS: Doctor, stay a moment. Sit down. Let us talk together now, not as prisoner and captor, but as men of science. There is so much I wish to know. Nyder, take charge of the tape.
NYDER: Immediately, Davros.
DAVROS: It will be your responsibility, and remember, it is priceless. It's value beyond computation.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: Ah, thank you.
HARRY: Who are you?
GHARMAN: My name's Gharman.
HARRY: Gharman?
GHARMAN: Until a few hours ago I was head of the Military Elite Scientific Corps.
SARAH: And now you're a prisoner like us? What happened?
GHARMAN: Wait.
GHARMAN: I was trying to organise a movement against Davros. He found out. Now, what's happening out there? Has there been any attempt to take away control from Davros?
SARAH: Not that we know of.
GHARMAN: Nothing?
HARRY: He's still very much in charge.
GHARMAN: I don't understand. You see, Davros tricked me into giving him the names of the group who were plotting against him. Have there not been mass arrests by now? Executions?
SARAH: It all seemed pretty quiet out there.
GHARMAN: But Davros knows that we're planning action against him. Why hasn't he moved to stop it? Why?
HARRY: Perhaps that'd be too obvious, even for Davros.
GHARMAN: Well, if that's true, he's being too clever for his own good. Every moment he delays, our movement grows in strength.
SARAH: I hope you're right.
GHARMAN: I know I am. Many of us believe that production of the Daleks must end. I believe now that we are in the majority. If we act soon, we can break his power.
HARRY: We're not in much of a position to act at the moment, are we.
GHARMAN: If only I could get word to them now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SOLDIER: Halt! State your business.
KAVELL: I wish to question the prisoners.
SOLDIER: Nobody is allowed to communicate with the prisoners unless they have a pass signed by Davros.
SOLDIER: Stay where you are!
KAVELL: I seem to have mislaid it. I'll come back later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DAVROS: Now, future errors will be eradicated. Defeats will become victories. You have changed the future of the universe, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I have betrayed the future. Davros, for the last time, consider what you're doing. Stop the development of the Daleks.
DAVROS: Impossible. It is beyond my control. The workshops are already fully automated to produce the Dalek machines.
DOCTOR: It's not the machines, it's the minds of the creatures inside them. Minds that you created. They are totally evil.
DAVROS: Evil? No. No, I will not accept that. They are conditioned simply to survive. They can survive only by becoming the dominant species. When all other life forms are suppressed, when the Daleks are the supreme rulers of the universe, then you will have peace. Wars will end. They are the power not of evil, but of good.
DOCTOR: Davros, if you had created a virus in your laboratory, something contagious and infectious that killed on contact, a virus that would destroy all other forms of life, would you allow its use?
DAVROS: It is an interesting conjecture.
DOCTOR: Would you do it?
DAVROS: The only living thing, a microscopic organism reigning supreme. A fascinating idea.
DOCTOR: But would you do it?
DAVROS: Yes. Yes. To hold in my hand a capsule that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure on my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything. Yes, I would do it! That power would set me up above the gods. And through the Daleks, I shall have that power!
DAVROS: Release me.
DOCTOR: No, Davros.
DAVROS: Don't touch that switch.
DOCTOR: Why not?
DAVROS: It controls my life support systems. I could not survive thirty seconds without them.
DOCTOR: Order the destruction of the incubator section.
DAVROS: Destroy the Daleks? Never.
DOCTOR: I mean it, Davros. Next time I press that switch, it stays pressed. Now give the order!
DAVROS: Even if I do this, there will be no escape for you.
DOCTOR: I'll take that chance. Now give the order.
DAVROS: Press the communicator switch.
DAVROS: This is Davros. Elite unit seven will go to the incubator room. All survival maintenance systems are to be closed down. The Dalek creatures are to be destroyed.
DOCTOR: Tell them the order cannot be countermanded.
DAVROS: This order cannot
DAVROS: This is Davros, this is Davros. My last order is cancelled, repeat, cancelled. No action is to be taken.
NYDER: What do you want done with this?
DAVROS: For the moment he must be kept alive. He has knowledge that is vital to our future, and I will drain every last detail of it from his mind. And then, he will learn the true meaning of pain.
NYDER: I will take him to the detention room.
DAVROS: The dissidents. What progress are they making?
NYDER: Feeling against you is rising. Many of the scientific corps are openly speaking against you. Even some of the military are joining them.
DAVROS: As I expected.
DAVROS: They will take action soon?
NYDER: Almost certainly. They outnumber those of us who are loyal. Davros, why don't you let me take a squad of Elite men I can trust? In an hour, I could wipe out their leaders.
DAVROS: You think like a soldier, Nyder. Rebellion is an idea in the mind. Suppress it, and it hides away and festers. No. My way is best.
NYDER: As you wish. On your feet!
DAVROS: All Dalek units! All Dalek units!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DALEK: Davros has commanded all Dalek units to disengage and return to the bunker immediately.
DALEK 2: I obey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BETTAN: Shush. There's something moving out there.
SEVRIN: The whole of the Thal city is burning. The Daleks are moving through it, section by section, hunting down the survivors.
BETTAN: Then there's no one left?
SEVRIN: No, I covered a fairly large area and found no one. No one living, that is.
BETTAN: So we're on our own.
SEVRIN: You're still going to attack the main entrance though, aren't you?
BETTAN: There's no point in delaying any longer. We'll move more safely under the cover of darkness. Come on, get ready, we're moving out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYDER: Open up.
HARRY: Not exactly as planned, Sarah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HARRY: How's the Doctor?
SARAH: I don't know.
HARRY: He's a bit groggy but he'll be all right.
GHARMAN: Come on, Kavell, we've a lot to do.
KAVELL: What about the guards? Suppose they won't come over to our side?
GHARMAN: They'll be disarmed and held in custody until we've presented our ultimatum to Davros.
DOCTOR: No, wait, wait. Davros knows what you're planning. I heard him talking to Nyder.
GHARMAN: If he knows, why hasn't he taken action against us?
KAVELL: Perhaps because he knows its futile. There are too many of us.
DOCTOR: No, it's not that. I don't know what he's got prepared for you, but believe me, he's ready.
GHARMAN: Well, even so, there'll still be too many for him.
DOCTOR: Just be careful. Be careful.
KAVELL: I think we can take care of things. Thanks for the warning.
SARAH: No point in telling you to rest, I suppose?
DOCTOR: No, there isn't. We've got to recover that Time Ring.
SARAH: Because without it, we'll never get off this planet. But where is it?
DOCTOR: It's on the desk in the main laboratory. And then there's that tape recording that Nyder took. We've got to get it back at all costs. It would make the Daleks invincible. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GHARMAN: Ready? Now remember, we resort to violence only if there is no other way.
GHARMAN: Stay perfectly still. Take their weapons.
GHARMAN: No! That was stupid. A stupid waste of life. Our intention has always been to make a bloodless revolution. There's been enough of killing and violence. All right, take him away and lock him up with the others.
GHARMAN: Start passing these out to our people.
KAVELL: Gharman. Gharman, they're coming over to our side in droves. We've the backing of a good eighty percent now.
GHARMAN: Good. Good. What about the hard core Davros people?
KAVELL: They've all been rounded up. We're winning, Gharman. We're winning.
GHARMAN: Then let's finish it off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYDER: Davros, they're taking over. We must act quickly. In another hour they could be totally in control. Do you hear me, Davros? I have a dozen crack men hiding in section nine. Let me order them into action. Davros!
DAVROS: I hear you.
NYDER: Then what are we going to do?
DAVROS: I want you to find their leaders and hand over your weapons to them.
NYDER: Surrender?
DAVROS: Order all members of the Elite guards still at liberty to do the same.
NYDER: Do you know what you're saying?
DAVROS: I know precisely what I am saying. Now, I will command and you will obey. You will do as I order! You will inform the rebel leaders that I have given these orders to avoid bloodshed. Tell them I submit, and will listen to their demands. That is all.
NYDER: Then we are admitting that we're beaten.
DAVROS: That is what they will believe.
NYDER: You mean that
DAVROS: You and they will find out exactly what I mean all in good time. Now carry out my orders.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Shush.
DOCTOR: Useful. Ah. This is something rather more useful.
SARAH: They're explosives, aren't they?
DOCTOR: Yes. Explosives and detonators. It seems almost providential.
SARAH: Why? What are you going to use them for?
DOCTOR: The Time Lord gave me three options. There's only one still open. Genocide.
HARRY: Genocide?
DOCTOR: Yes. I'm going to kill everything in the incubation room. I'm going to destroy the Daleks forever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GHARMAN: Where is Davros?
KAVELL: You said that Davros had agreed to meet us here.
NYDER: He'll be here.
DAVROS: You have something to say to me?
GHARMAN: Davros, we wish to make our views plain to you concerning our work here.
DAVROS: With what authority do you speak? With whose backing?
GHARMAN: We speak for virtually all the Elite scientific corps and many of the military. We represent the majority.
DAVROS: Very well. Continue.
GHARMAN: Nobody disputes that in the past, under your guidance, we've made incredible progress in many fields of science.
DAVROS: You did not come here to flatter me. You came to offer an ultimatum. Confine yourself to the terms of that ultimatum.
GHARMAN: Very well. The initial concept of the Dalek was to build a life support system and a travel machine for the creature that we know our race will ultimately evolve into.
DAVROS: You disapprove of that?
GHARMAN: No, but we believe that concept has been perverted. You have tampered with the genetic structuring of the creature to create a ruthless power for evil. We cannot permit this to continue.
DAVROS: Then what do you suggest?
GHARMAN: All work on Dalek projects is to cease immediately. The creatures that have been conditioned and programmed are to be destroyed. If these terms are met, we will then be proud to work under your guidance on the rebuilding of our society.
DAVROS: And if I refuse?
GHARMAN: If you refuse, you will be placed under arrest. The Daleks will be destroyed and our work here will then continue under a new, democratically elected leader.
DAVROS: Have you finished?
GHARMAN: Well?
DAVROS: You might at least do me the courtesy of giving me time to consider.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: The Daleks are in there?
DOCTOR: The flesh and blood part of them. Indeed they are flesh and blood.
HARRY: Some of them can move about.
SARAH: Well, how do I see?
DOCTOR: Press the button.
DOCTOR: Pay it out quickly, Harry.
SARAH: You're not going in there, are you?
DOCTOR: They're harmless enough, I think. Just unpleasant.
HARRY: You don't want me to come in, do you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: There's no need, Harry. It just remains to put the charges where they'll do the most damage. It shouldn't take me more than a couple of minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DAVROS: I have made my decision. I accept your ultimatum. On one condition.
GHARMAN: Go on.
DAVROS: That you allow me to speak to a full meeting of the Elite, both scientific and military. Anyone you elect may speak against me. When this is done, a vote will be taken. I will abide by the decision of the majority.
GHARMAN: You already know the decision of the majority. You will lose, Davros.
DAVROS: With such confidence, you can hardly deny my request. It was you who introduced the word democracy.
GHARMAN: Do we accept his proposition?
GHARMAN: Very well, it's agreed.
DAVROS: The meeting will take place in one hour from now. Arrange it. You may go.
DAVROS: Ours is the victory, Nyder. We have won! They talk of democracy, freedom, fairness. Those are the creeds of cowards. The ones who will listen to a thousand viewpoints and try to satisfy them all. Achievement comes through absolute power, and power through strength. They have lost!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SEVRIN: The entrance to the bunker is just beyond the next rise. That's where they must be heading.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: What's taking him so long?
HARRY: It's a very delicate operation, Sarah. Still, he should have finished by now.
SARAH: Doctor? Doctor, are you all right?
DOCTOR: Sarah!