Open on three cheerleaders running in a busy High School car park as Veronica drives in, parks up and heads towards a crowd in front of the school.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: This is my school. If you go here, your parents are either millionaires or your parents work for millionaires. Neptune, California. A town without a middle class. If you're in the second group, you get a job. Fast food, movie theatres, mini-marts. Or you could be me. My after-school job means tailing philandering spouses or investigating false injury claims. The crowd is gathered around, staring at something ahead.
MALE VOICE IN THE CROWD: Who'd that guy rat out? The focus of the crowd's attention is a young black man, taped to a flagpole. He is naked, although his dignity is preserved by the tape and 'Snich' is painted in large letters across his chest. We will subsequently learn his name is Wallace.
BOY IN THE CROWD: The bikers.
GIRL IN CROWD: Why doesn't somebody cut him down?
ANOTHER BOY IN THE CROWD: [Sarcastically] Yeah! I'll do it. I wanna be the guy up there tomorrow!
No one is helping him and one particularly obnoxious individual approaches him with a camera, taking a photograph of himself with the humiliated captive.
JERK: All right, say cheese. Smile. Veronica is unimpressed with the passivity of the crowd or the jerk and approaches them.
VERONICA: [To the jerk] Move.
JERK: Who died and made you the quee-
His posturing is cut off by Veronica's production of a small knife and he leaves as Veronica starts to slice through the tape around the boy's lower body.
JERK: [Exiting] You ARE a freak.
VERONICA: [To the lad, as she cuts him down] You're new here, huh. Welcome to Neptune High.
School bell rings.
VERONICA: [In mock enthusiasm to the quickly dispersing crowd] Go Pirates! Overhead shot of event cuts to the front of a class room in session. As the teacher (who in the future we will learn is Mrs Murphy) walks forward, the students are exposed, including Veronica, whose head is on the desk and who looks to be asleep.
MRS MURPHY: This is advanced placement. We expect more. It's called 'An Essay on Man' but what Pope's really talking about is faith. Right? Anybody? Did anybody complete the reading? Veronica? Veronica Mars! Veronica's head comes up. She wipes her eye, waking up.
VERONICA: Um-hum
MRS MURPHY: Congratulations, you're my volunteer. Pope. An Essay on Man. Epistle I.
VERONICA: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest: The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come."
MRS MURPHY: And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?
VERONICA: Life's a bitch until you die. [The class titters.]
MRS MURPHY: OK, thank you Ms Mars for that succinct and somewhat inappropriate response.
Veronica returns her head to the desk as the teacher carries on.
MRS MURPHY: I think what Pope's saying is that the thing that keeps us powering through life's defeats is our faith in a better life yet to come.
Cut to Veronica coming from around the corner to an empty school hall with successive sets of lockers on the side between classroom doors.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Random locker searches. It's the latest tactic the administration has adopted in their losing war on drugs except the searches aren't really random. In front of Veronica are a tall, besuited man and a deputy who holds the leash of a German Shepherd. We will subsequently learn that the deputy's name is Sacks.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know when they're gonna to happen before Vice Principal Clemmons does.
DEPUTY SACKS: Veronica Mars, this should be good.
CLEMMONS: Veronica, would you please open your locker.
As Veronica is turning the combination of her locker, the dog barks.
VERONICA: [To the dog] Buster. The dog gives a little whine and obeys her. The surprised deputy looks down at the dog. Veronica opens her locker. It is completely empty save for a picture on the back of the door. It is a picture of Vice Principal Clemmons framed in a heart.
VERONICA: [With feigned embarrassment] Wow. This is a little embarrassing.
Cut to an unappetizing dinner tray of meatloaf, gravy and mixed peas and corn. Veronica stabs at it unenthusiastically as the camera pulls back to reveal her in an outside eating area in the school, sitting alone at one of the tables. People fast motion around her until it rests on a table across from her. There are a number of students there, taking delivery of pizzas.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I used to sit there. At that table. It's not like my family met the minimum net worth requirement. My dad didn't own his own airline like John Enbom's [paying for the pizzas with a gold card] or serve as ambassador to Belgium like Shelley Pomeroy's but my dad used to be the sheriff and that had a certain cachet. Another boy approaches the pizza table.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Let's be honest, though. The only reason I was allowed past the velvet ropes was Duncan Kane. Son of software billionaire, Jake Kane, he used to be my boyfriend. Flashback to a long haired Veronica and Duncan walking down the school hallway. Duncan's arm is around Veronica's shoulders and they kiss as they walk.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Then one day, with no warning, he ended things. Veronica, still with long hair, closes her locker and turns, smiling, to see Duncan walking past, another boy whispering in his ear. Duncan cuts her dead. Cut back to the present as Veronica continues to stare at Duncan. The whispering boy from the flashback is there and notices.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: And let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Logan sits on Duncan's knee and starts rubbing his chest in a faux-lecherous manner. Duncan pushes him off. Logan laughs, sits down and points mockingly at Veronica.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours. Veronica is so intent on out-staring Logan that she doesn't notice that Wallace has joined her table.
WALLACE: You okay.
VERONICA: What?
WALLACE: You look, I don't know, hypnotised.
VERONICA: Did I say you could sit here?
Looking fed up, Wallace puts his orange back in his lunch bag and stands, preparing to go.
VERONICA: [Relenting] Wait a minute. Of course you can sit here. Sit wherever you want. He sits back down.
WALLACE: That-that was cool, what you did, getting me off of that pole.
VERONICA: Well
From behind Veronica comes a head-shaven, tattooed biker. We will subsequently learn that this is Weevil.
WEEVIL: [To Wallace] My bitch. Weren't you supposed to wait for me at the flagpole. I'm not sure I could have made that any clearer. Weevil plonks himself down next to Wallace, deliberately getting in his face. Wallace takes a deep breath and lets out an uncomfortable laugh.
WALLACE: OK, I get it, a'right. Very funny.
WEEVIL: Yeah.
WALLACE: I guess we're even now. Right?
WEEVIL: [Aggressively] You get what boy? You get that you're a dead man walking, is that what you get?
VERONICA: Leave him alone.
Weevil turns his attention to Veronica and moves to stand over her.
WEEVIL: Sister, the only time I care what a woman has to say is-is when she's riding my big old hog but even then it's not so much words just a bunch of oohs and aahs, you know?
VERONICA: So it's big, huh?
WEEVIL: [Indulgently] Legendary.
VERONICA: Well let's see it. I mean if it's as big as you say, I'll by your girlfriend. We could go to prom together.
Her refusal to be intimidated surprises and amuses him and he laughs as he looks around at his fellow bikers. One of them we will subsequently learn is called Felix.
VERONICA: What? What seems to be the problem. I'm on a schedule here, vato.
FELIX: [Not so amused] Dude, Weevil. Don't let blondie talk to you like that!
VERONICA: Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it too.
FELIX: Ah, hell, I'll show you mine.
Felix gets closer to Veronica and makes to drop his pants. He is interrupted by the arrival of the Vice Principal.
CLEMMONS: Felix Toombs. What on God's green earth is going on here? All right gentlemen, move it along. Veronica, why does trouble follow you around? Veronica smiles blandly as the bikers and the Vice Principal move on, leaving Veronica and Wallace alone again at their table.
VERONICA: So what did you do?
WALLACE: [Not comprehending] What?
VERONICA: Why are you a dead man walking?
Cut to a scene in a small convenience store where Wallace sits at checkout, reading a comic. Two bikers comes in and head to the chilled units at the back.
WALLACE: [Offscreen] Oh yeah, I work at Sac-n-Pac. Last night I was working by myself. Couple of those guys came in. The Latin biker, who we will subsequently learn is named Hector, takes out a large beer bottle and hands it to the other who puts it in his coat as Hector does the same with another bottle.
HECTOR: Oh man, happy birthday bro.
ASIAN BIKER: Oh thanks man.
The bikers continue to pocket the beer.
WALLACE: [Offscreen] They just walked right to the back of the store and started stuffing all these forties into their pockets. So I hit the silent alarm. Wallace can see the bikers head towards him on the surveillance screen at checkout. Hector picks up a small packet of gum and both head for the checkout. They lean in.
HECTOR: [Reading the badge] Wallace. Hector carefully smoothes a dollar bill and slaps it on the counter.
WALLACE: [Offscreen] I guess the dude thought a one dollar bill would cover it.
HECTOR: Keep the change.
They laugh and leave.
WALLACE: [Offscreen] That's when the police came. Cut back to Veronica at the table.
VERONICA: We don't have the police here. We have a sheriff's department. Cut back to the Sac-n-Pac flashback as the gum-chewing Sheriff walks in.
SHERIFF: [Dismissively] You, come on. Wallace follows the Sheriff outside and is taken aback by the presence of a whole gang of bikers, including Weevil and Felix, watching from their bikes.
UNSEEN BIKER: What's up snitch?
SHERIFF: Come here. They say they paid.
The two bikers who took the beer are handcuffed and in the custody of the deputy. Hector is grinning. Wallace is intimidated that this is going down in full view of the gang.
SHERIFF: Well, did they?
WALLACE: Yeah.
HECTOR: Like I said. [Laughs]
SHERIFF: [To the bikers] Shut up. [To Wallace] But you pressed the alarm anyway.
WALLACE: It was an accident.
The Sheriff stalks off in disgust, re-enters the store and retrieves the surveillance video. Wallace watches him as he comes back outside.
SHERIFF: [To the deputy] Sacks, get 'em outta here. Get 'em outta here. We got enough. Sacks grabs the shoplifting bikers and heads for the car. The Sheriff gets up close just behind Wallace's right shoulder and sniffs derisively.
SHERIFF: You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts.
VERONICA: [Offscreen] "Go see the wizard", he said that.
The scene returns to the lunch table.
WALLACE: Yeah.
VERONICA: Congratulations, sport. In your short time here, you've already managed to piss off the motorcycle gang and the local sheriff.
Cut to a small L-shaped, two-storey apartment complex around a small pool. Music is playing from one of the apartments. Veronica enters through a small gate into the pool area. Her reverie is interrupted by a sound of from one of the open windows. It's Peter Yorn's "Just Another".
SONG: You and I, we're two of a kind I hate to say it but you'll never relate What makes you tick? It makes me smile. You said that I should get away from it all And bury my head in the sand if I want to I think you should thank me now You were lying wide awake in the garden Trying to get over your stardom And I could never see you depart us And you're my baby You're just another girl You're just another girl.
She flashes back to the sound of a splash and the sight of Duncan Kane in a pool, pulling up to the side of it and staring up at her.
DUNCAN: Hey baby, it's our song. From behind her, still within the blue-toned flashback, laughing sounds. About ten people around Veronica's age, including Logan Echolls, who has his arm around a girl we will come to know as Lilly, surround an older woman carrying a large birthday cake. Some have presents. We will learn the woman is Veronica's mother, Lianne.
FRIENDS: Happy birthday Veronica
LIANNE: Happy birthday Veronica.
LIANNE: Are you surprised?
LIANNE/NEIGHBOUR: Veronica.
VERONICA: Mom?
Veronica is forced back to the present by a smoky-voiced black woman, loaded with two grocery bags, stopped at the small gate Veronica entered earlier.
NEIGHBOUR: Veronica, it's me. Honey can you give me-can you give me a hand? Veronica glances back at the pool then heads over. Cut to the inside of an apartment. The door opens and Veronica enters, greeted by a large brown and white pit bull.
VERONICA: Hey, who's a big boy? Who's a big boy?
Cut to a beach where Veronica unleashes the dog and throws a ball for him.
VERONICA: [On the dog returning the ball] Good boy. She spots Wallace on the beach with a model airplane. Wallace waves. She hesitates, then gives a small wave back, looking thoughtful. Cut to a street. Veronica pulls up in her car behind a red Jag convertible with the licence KANE 2.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I was shocked to discover Celeste Kane's car outside Dad's office. Duncan's mom. She hates me almost as much as she adores her son. Veronica enters the lower door for 'Mars Investigations' situated over a pawn shop. The main office area boasts a couch, a desk and some filing cabinets. There is a small kitchenette off the end and a door leading into another office, marked with the name 'Keith Mars'. Veronica heads straight for the closed door, attempting to eavesdrop. The main office door bursts open and a man carrying a briefcase and file enters. He looks and will prove to be a slightly seedy lawyer, named Cliff McCormack.
CLIFF: Veronica Mars.
VERONICA: [Heading away from the closed door to the desk] My dad's with a client.
CLIFF: Apparently. That's okay, I'm happy out here chatting with you.
Cliff heads for the desk and they both sit down.
VERONICA: Like I said, my dad's with a client.
CLIFF: I heard you but your dad's out tracking down bail jumpers half the time and yet somehow all the cases that come in here still get handled. How is that?
VERONICA: We're efficient.
CLIFF: Very efficient. Um look, I'm just going to leave this file here, open on your desk and if you decide to take a look at it, cool. One of my clients, Loretta Cancoon, dances at the Seventh Veil�
VERONICA: Classy.
CLIFF: These are my people, V. She was busted for vandalism, taking a baseball bat to the washing machine that stole her quarters at Suds'n'Duds
VERONICA: And Johnny Cochran was booked.
CLIFF: [Smirking] I make no apologies. I like this case, it's tawdry. Miss Cancoon says the Seventh Veil has an interesting way of keeping their liquor licence [getting to his feet] despite their rather lax ID policy. [Heading for the exit] She wants to make a deal. If your dad has time, he should look into it.
Cliff leaves. The inner office door opens and a well dressed women enters the main office and turns straight for the exit.
CELESTE: [Imperiously] Don't get the wrong idea Mr Mars. I don't like you. Following her out of the office is Keith Mars, listening impassively as she walks away. She turns and notices Veronica for the first time.
CELESTE: [To Keith, although staring disdainfully at Veronica] I hate the fact that I'm here [returning her attention to Keith] but I do know if anyone would be dogged and resourceful in this matter, it'll be you. Don't call me at home, I'll call you. And I'll need it right away. She casts another unpleasant look at Veronica then turns and marches out. Keith and Veronica look at each other.
KEITH: [Quietly] Hi. He goes back into his office and closes the door. Veronica stares at the closed door for a moment then moves to the window to watch Celeste Kane get into her car and drive away.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Sure she's a bitch, but can you blame her. After all Dad did try to send her husband to jail for life.
Cut to later. Keith and Veronica are in the main part of the office, sitting at the desk eating from plastic containers.
KEITH: [Innocently] How's school?
VERONICA: If you think we're going talk about my school day and not the fact that Celeste Kane was in your office ten minutes ago, you're deluded.
KEITH: Um-hm. You making good grades?
VERONICA: Kane's got something on the side, doesn't he?
KEITH: [On a forkful of macaroni cheese] You know what? Say what you want about real cheese, I am a fan of the orange powder packet stuff.
VERONICA: My grades are fine and I like the orange powder too but can we please talk about Mrs Kane.
KEITH: [Giving in] Yes, she thinks he's seeing someone. Late nights, motel matches, the usual.
VERONICA: Sexual appetite?
KEITH: [Horrified then resigned to his daughter's understanding] Gone.
VERONICA: Did you take the case?
KEITH: Well, we need the money, Veronica
VERONICA: Good, I would have been pissed if you hadn't.
KEITH: Well, I wouldn't have cared if you were. Give me some of that apple.
The phone rings. Veronica grabs it.
KEITH: Aw don't�
VERONICA: [Into the phone] Mars Investigations. Um-hm. Just a sec. [Hands over the phone, whispering] It's Andy.
KEITH: Keith Mars. Yeah, how long ago. [Gesturing to Veronica for pen and paper] What's he driving? I'll get the 7:30 out of San Diego and I'll meet you by the thing by the fountain. Good work. Thanks. [Ends call. To Veronica] Our guy's on the move. Andy picked him up in El Paso. Another day and he'll probably try to cross the border so I gotta head out.
VERONICA: You go. I'll have the flight booked by the time you get to the airport. Do you want a rental car in Texas?
KEITH: Yeah, nothing fancy this time, Veronica. Seriously
VERONICA: A Blazer is not fancy and we can bill it anyway. [Off his look] Fine, I'll get you a Crown Vic. Once a cop
KEITH: Don't do anything on the Kane case, I'll handle it.
VERONICA: OK
KEITH: Given our relationship with that family, I just
VERONICA: Fine, I said okay.
KEITH: OK. If all goes well, I'll be back tomorrow night. If not, the night after. I'll call and I'll check in.
VERONICA: You always do.
KEITH: And Veronica.
VERONICA: Yes
KEITH: [Holding her head gently] When you go after Jake Kane, you take backup.
VERONICA: I always do.
Keith snorts, kisses Veronica on the forehead and exits. Veronica sits back and finishes her sandwich.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: By the time Dad's plane landed in El Paso, I'd already picked up Jake Kane at his house and followed him to his office.
Cut to Veronica watching a person in a large brightly lit office from her car. It's dark and a man is leaving the office.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Streaming video was invented and perfected here at Kane Software. The day the company went public, Jake Kane made a billion dollars. Everyone who worked for him in fact, right down to the secretarial pool, became millionaires. He's beloved here. Half the people in this town owe their fortunes to him.
Cut to flashback. It's a sponsored car wash. Playing over the scene in the background is Grandmaster Melle Mel with "White Lines" .
SONG: (Ooh White Lines) Vision dreams of passion (Blowin? through my mind) and all the while I think of you (Pipe cries) a very strange reaction (For us to unwind) the more I see, the more I do (Something like a phenomenon) Baby!
(Tellin your body to come along, but white lines blow away)
Lilly is washing a car with a long haired Veronica.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: And I knew the family well. Jake's son, Duncan, was my first and only love. His daughter Lilly was my best friend.
VERONICA: [Teasing] God Lilly, I see the Prozac's working.
LILLY: [Happily] High on life, Veronica Mars. I've got a secret, a good one.
CAR WASH ORGANISER: Girls, less talk, more scrub.
LILLY: Later.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Those were the last words Lilly and I ever shared.
Cut to flashing lights on top of a Sheriff's Department car. Keith, in Sheriff's uniform, heads into the Kane house while Veronica waits in the car. Duncan is sitting in the entrance, disconnected and rocking back and forth.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Later that night as I was driving home from picking up dinner with Dad, a call came in over the radio. All the dispatcher said was that there was a disturbance at the Kane estate. [Exiting the car] Dad gave me specific instructions to stay in the car but the moment I saw Duncan, I knew that this was more than a disturbance.
VERONICA: [Kneeling before Duncan] What happened? Duncan, what happened?
Duncan is completely unresponsive. Veronica looks around and then back at Duncan.
VERONICA: Where's Lilly? Duncan reacts by looking distressed. Cut to Keith as he approaches the body of Lilly Kane, lying by a pool. Keith is saddened. Jake Kane, a sobbing Celeste Kane and a deputy, the man who subsequently replaces Keith as Sheriff, stand in the background.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: But everyone knows this story. The murder of Lilly Kane. It was on the cover of People magazine. It made 'Entertainment Tonight'. The town flooded with journalists. Cut back to flashback Veronica and Duncan.
VERONICA: Duncan, talk to me, please. Veronica gives up with Duncan and runs out to the pool where she is distressed to see Lilly.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: And of course everyone remembers reading about the bungling local sheriff, the one who went after the wrong man. That bungling sheriff was my dad. Keith simultaneously holds her and forces her back. Cut to the present. Jake Kane makes his way between parked cars and up a floor of a motel. Veronica pulls up in front of the hotel and observes.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: But if my dad wasn't right about Jake Kane then, it looks like Mrs Kane is right about him now. Not a lot of high powered business meetings taking place at the Camelot at one in the morning. Kane knocks on the door to room 6 and is let in.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: They say the divorce rate is twice as high for parents who lose a child. Lose a child. Now there's a euphemism for you. Flashback to the school library where Veronica is using one of the computers. Near her are two boys staring at another screen.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: That hardly takes into account the way she was found.
VERONICA: What? You guys found a way to unlock the p0rn?
COMPUTER GUY: It's the Lilly Kane video. How do you think that family feels?
Veronica moves round to see the screen. Lilly's body is on the screen, head wound in full display.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Six weeks after Lilly Kane's death, someone from the Sheriff's Department leaked the crime scene video. Within 24 hours it was all over the net. Streaming video made it possible. Someone made a fortune while Dad took the blame. A distressed Veronica quickly leaves but runs straight into Logan.
LOGAN: [Glassy eyed] So does your uh does your dad still think that Lilly's father did this? That's my girlfriend. Your friend. Duncan's sister. Your dad is destroying the Kane family. What's the matter with you people, huh? What's the matter with you?
Cut to Keith and Lianne. She is packing cushions into large moving boxes while he follows her.
KEITH: He did it Lianne. The man is a liar, nothing changes. Nothing adds up. Not his alibi. Not the sequence of events. Nothing.
LIANNE: I don't care. It doesn't matter. [argument continues]
VERONICA VOICEOVER: My dad's belief that Jake Kane was the murderer became a moot point. An emergency recall election removed him from office. Mom wanted to move out of Neptune.
The camera pulls back to reveal Veronica, in hearing distance of the argument, sitting in front of a television on which commentary can be faintly heard in the background.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: The loss of status, the loss of income was too much for her. We were gonna move all right, we couldn't afford our house. But Dad wasn't gonna to be run out of town and neither was I. On the television flashback Veronica is watching, there is a Breaking News story. A large man is being led in handcuffs by Keith's deputy, now the Sheriff.
TV: our own Jennifer Stevens
VERONICA: Dad, come here.
TV: The Neptune's Sheriff's Department reacted
KEITH: [Joining her in front of the television] Hey, I'm sorry honey. Me and your mom, we're going to work this out, okay.
TV: Abel Koontz, a disgruntled former Kane Software employee. Koontz, a software designer, was fired during the development stage of Kane Software's streaming video project. Shoes and a backpack belonging to the deceased were discovered on Koontz's houseboat by Sheriff Don Lamb, who said-
Keith switches off the television. The flashback ends as Veronica continues to observe Room 6 of the Camelot hotel. The sound of motorcycles fills the air and she is soon surrounded by the bikers.
VERONICA: Well, this can't be good. Weevil gestures for her to roll down her window.
WEEVIL: Car trouble, miss?
VERONICA: Yeah, as a matter of fact. I think it might be a loose belt but if you wouldn't mind checking under the hood.
SCARY BIKER: [Approaching the car] Hey Weevil, who gets the first danc-
Veronica's pit bull jumps out of the window of the back seat of the car, jaws fastening onto the biker's arm and bringing him down.
SCARY BIKER: Get him off me! Get him off me, get him off me! Felix comes round from the front of the car, threatening.
FELIX: Girl, you best call off your dog. Veronica tasers him in the centre of his chest and he goes down. Weevil is not impressed with the state of his troops.
VERONICA: Backup, chill. [Backup lets go of Scary Biker. To Weevil] I'll tell you what. We'll call it a draw.
WEEVIL: Baby, come on, it's too late for that.
VERONICA: Here's the deal. Leave that kid at school alone for a week and I'll make sure your boys walk.
WEEVIL: Why you care so much for that skinny negro anyway. Things I heard about you, you must really lay the pipe right, huh.
VERONICA: Yeah, that's it.
Felix claws his way back up to Veronica's open window and is shown sight of the charged taser.
WEEVIL: All right, all right, all right � Felix, we get it, you're a badass, okay. But for once don't be stupid. [Felix backs off, somewhat grateful]
VERONICA: Not bad advice.
WEEVIL: All right, one week. After that, we come for you, your boy and your little dog too.
VERONICA: [To a growling dog] Backup, be cool.
WEEVIL: You get lonely out here remember, Weevil love you long time. [Smacks kisses]
Veronica gives him the thumbs up as the bikers leave.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Quite a reputation I've got, huh. You wanna know how I lost my virginity? So do I. Flashback to a party. The music is "Give You More" by Taxi Doll.
SONG: I wanna give another little thing a try A little something that has finally caught my eye I'll move it so you'll see it feels just like a crawl And then I'll know exactly how you're gonna fall I know what you're wanting I know what you're needing I know what you're wanting I want to give you more just like that, yeah I'm gonna give you more I'm gonna give you more I'm gonna give you more And I won't let you down when move it around I'm gonna give you more I'm gonna give you more I'm gonna give you more Get your feet off the ground, gonna turn it around, yeah.
Couples are eating each other, drinking and otherwise being appropriately debauched as Veronica wanders through, being snubbed by one and all. Logan is there, as is Duncan.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I went to a party at Shelley Pomeroy's just to show everyone their whispers and backstabbing didn't affect me. It was a mistake. I don't know who handed me the drink. I wish I did. It turns out it was your basic rum, coke and roofie. Veronica drinks from a plastic pint. The music abruptly changes to Death in Vegas' "Girls". The focus changes as she moves unsteadily out to the Jacuzzi and collapses onto a sunlounger. The scene blacks out and when Veronica comes to, she is on a bed, partially covered by the bedding. She is still wearing her white party dress but her panties are on the floor. She cries silently and the scene merges into one of her walking barefoot down the street in the dawn.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I never told my dad. I'm not sure what he would have done with that information but no good would have come of it. And what does it matter. I'm no longer that girl.
Cut to the present. Jake Kane leaves the motel room turning back to have a few last words with its occupant.
VERONICA: [Training a camera on him] All right lady, let's see ya. Veronica takes pictures but only a woman's hand can be seen on the door. Cut to day, at the High School. Veronica is walking across the car park.
LOGAN: There's Veronica. Logan's bright yellow SUV pulls up next to and keeps pace with Veronica. Logan is driving, Duncan is in the passenger's seat and a couple of other guys are in the back.
LOGAN: Hey Ronnie. Hey, we've decided that we'd, uh, we'd rather surf than study today, you wanna come with? Duncan will promise to take his shirt off. Does that sweeten the pot? [Looks back at his appreciative audience in the rear] Does it make you horny? Hey DK, flex for your ex.
DUNCAN: [Unamused] Shut up, Logan
LOGAN: All right, all right. Hey, hey, hey. [Veronica and the car stop as Logan pulls out a hipflask] What do you say to a little hootch, huh? What's the matter, aren't you your mother's daughter? Hmm? Now there was a woman who could drink. Hey, what's she up to nowadays, maybe she'll join us. Do you know where she is? Any clue?
Duncan's had enough and grabs Logan by the shoulder.
DUNCAN: Leave her alone, man
LOGAN: Ooh, chill pill, man. All right. Aw, she used to be fun, man. Bye.
Logan floors it and races off. Veronica watches.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's been eight months since I've seen my mother. Flashback to Veronica in bed. She gets up and sees a music box with a note attached.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: A month after Dad lost his job, Mom split for good. All she left me was a unicorn music box and a note saying she would be back for me someday.
The note reads: Veronica, I have to leave for a while. I'll be back for you. Love always, Mom. Veronica crumples the note and throws it in the rubbish following it swiftly with the box. Cut to the present. Veronica heads for her lunch table. Wallace is already there. Veronica sits and digs out an apple and a notebook.
WALLACE: Girl, you should hear what people say about you.
VERONICA: So then what are you doing sitting here?
WALLACE: You sat next to me.
VERONICA: This is my table.
WALLACE: And what a fine table it is. What do you suppose this is made of? Oak?
VERONICA: Look, if people are saying such awful things
WALLACE: Well, I figure I've got a choice. I can either hang out with the punks who laughed at me, took pictures of me while I was taped to that flagpole or I can hang out with the chick who cut me down.
VERONICA: So you want to get the PCH Biker Club off your ass?
Wallace nods and Veronica laughs. Cut to the school's ceramics class. Veronica and Wallace are at the table of another student. He is looking through a notebook.
CORNY: This is so twisted. I love it.
VERONICA: Well can you do it 'cos we need it fast.
CORNY: Oh hell yeah, for you, oh anything. I'll even throw in the glazing gratis.
VERONICA: Go to town. Thanks Corny.
Veronica and Wallace leave. The Street's "Weak Becomes Heroes" starts up.
SONG: Turn left up the street Nothing but grey concrete and dead beats We were just standing there minding our own And it went on and on We all smile, we all sing The weak become heroes then the stars align. We all sing We all sing Sing The night slowly fades and goes slow motion All the commotion becomes floating emotions Same piano loops over Dizzy new heights blinded by the lights These people are for life It's all back to his place at the end of the night, yo We were just standing there minding our own And it went on and on We all smile, we all sing The weak become heroes then the stars align.
Corny continues to flick through the notebook.
CORNY: Oh my god!
Cut to Veronica's room. A board on the wall, covered in surveillance photos, computer discs and post-it notes. Veronica is sitting at a low table, using a laptop.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: While Corny did his thing, I downloaded the pictures from the Camelot. Every girl's gotta have a hobby. Photography's mine. Veronica pulls up a picture of a man (not Kane?) and a licence plate and prints it off. She pins it onto her board. Cut to Veronica at a small table in the kitchen of the apartment, working. Keith enters, drops his bags, looks at her and sighs loudly.
VERONICA: [Impatiently] And?
KEITH: [Outstretching arms] Who's your daddy?
VERONICA: Ack. I hate it when you say that.
KEITH: You know what, this is important. You remember this. I used to be cool!
VERONICA: [Sceptical] When?
KEITH: '77. Trans Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, a foxy stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Now wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything, I was never cool.
VERONICA: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".
KEITH: [Producing cheque] I nailed our bail jumper one hundred yards from Me-i-co, [handing cheque to Veronica] twenty five hundred bucks. No sack dinners tonight. Tonight, [starting a shuffle] we eat, like the lower middle class to which we aspire. Fire up the 'bachie. [Shuffles off right, singing] Ya-pa-ba-pa-ba, bom-pa-da-bompa, ba-bop. [Pops head back round] For real, steaks.
Veronica laughs. Cut to later. Keith is grilling steaks on a barbeque on the roof outside the apartment. Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" plays.
SONG: All our times have come Here but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like they are Come on baby Don't fear the reaper Baby take my hand Don't fear the reaper We'll be able to fly Don't fear the reaper Baby I'm your man La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la.
Keith grooves as he cooks.
VERONICA: So Jake Kane went to the Camelot last night and hooked up with some hussy.
KEITH: Didn't I say something about you not involved in that?
VERONICA: I remember you saying something about taking Backup.
KEITH: You get pictures?
VERONICA: No money shot, the woman in question never stepped foot outside but I did get pictures of licence plates. I figured you could run them.
KEITH: Let me see 'em.
Veronica hand over the photo she printed off. Keith turns away from Veronica to examine it. He is shocked at what he sees. He crumples the photo.
KEITH: [Firmly] You stay away from Jake Kane. [Tosses photo down] I don't want you doing anything else on this case. We're gonna drop it anyway. I'm gonna let his wife know.
VERONICA: [Perplexed] What? We're dropping the case? Why? What's wrong? Who is it? Why don't you just tell me?
KEITH: Veronica. No. It's done, it's over with. Just stay away from him.
Cut to Veronica in her car observing a body shop. The naked female kind.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VERONICA VOICEOVER: I had another case to occupy my brain. Loretta Cancoon says the Seventh Veil has an interesting way of keeping their liquor licence. This was phase one of my plan to save Wallace. Phase two would begin the next day. Veronica trains her camcorder on the Seventh Veil. Cut to day and the school. Veronica and Wallace enter and run up some stairs.
VERONICA: Let's go.
WALLACE: Hey, FloJo, slow your ass down.
Veronica pauses at the top and holds Wallace back to observe Logan, who is in the process of a locker search by the Vice Principal and the deputy (without Buster).
LOGAN: [Opening the locker and stepping back.] There you go. From inside the locker can be seen a bong in the form of a cherub.
CLEMMONS: [Reaching for the bong] Well, what's this Logan? This would appear to be a device they use to smoke marijuana.
LOGAN: [Amazed] That's exactly what it looks like.
CLEMMONS: Back to the office. Come on.
GUY IN HALL: Oh man, Logan's busted.
LOGAN: [Spots Veronica and points] It was you? [Veronica does a 'Who me?' gesture] Listen, I know it was you. This isn't over, okay.
Veronica exaggerates a yawn.
CLEMMONS: Hey.
LOGAN: [Still pointing aggressively] You're so cute. Listen, I'll get you for this.
CLEMMONS: [Pushing Logan along] Let's go.
LOGAN: I will.
CLEMMONS: Come on, let's go.
Corny watches and then walks on, congratulating Veronica as he goes. Strains of Miriam Makeba's "Pata Pata" can be heard.
CORNY: Eeee, solid.
WALLACE: You're right, that was funny.
VERONICA: Meet me at my car after school. Let's see if you've done your part.
SONG: Saguguka sathi beka
(Nantsi, pata pata) Saguguka sathi beka
(Yiyo, pata pata) Yi yo mama yiyo mama
(Nantsi, pata pata) Yi yo mama yiyo mama
(Yiyo, pata pata) Saguguka sathi beka
(Nantsi, pata pata) Saguguka sathi beka
(Yiyo, pata pata) Yi yo mama yiyo mama
(Nantsi, pata pata)
Cut to the outside of the Sheriff's Department. Veronica and Wallace are sitting in the car. Wallace is clutching the control unit of his model airplane.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: After school, I drove Wallace to the Sheriff's Department. This was phase three.
WALLACE: You know, we could get into a lot of trouble for this.
VERONICA: [Reaching for the control unit] Give it here.
WALLACE: [Shaking her off] Wait. I'm gonna do it. I just thought one of us should state the obvious.
Wallace hits one of the controls. It clicks. Cut to the bong in the police evidence room. It sparks and begins to smoke. Cut to Inga who smells something. Cut to the grill over the door to the evidence room with smoke pouring out. Cut to Wallace.
WALLACE: I wonder if it worked. Cut back to Inga. She sees the smoke.
INGA: Ach, du lieber Gott. Ein feuer!
Cut to racing fire engine which pulls up in front of the Sheriff's Department. Veronica and Wallace watch, flushed with success.
VERONICA: It worked.
Cut to firemen entering the evidence room. Extinguisher sounds. Cut to the fire station where a couple of firemen are setting up barbells. Veronica enters the station.
VERONICA: Hey Adam, hey Eddie, is the Chief around? The Chief is coming up behind her. He has a large envelope in his hand.
PHIL: Well if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.
VERONICA: I saw you in action today Phil. You were very brave. Did you make the switch?
PHIL: [Handing over the envelope] Fait accompli.
VERONICA: [Softly] Thank you.
Cut to Mars Investigations.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Plenty of people in this town still love Dad. That comes in handy sometimes. [Enlarging the licence plate on the Camelot picture] Other times you rely on your own devices. Veronica enlarges the Camelot picture on her laptop and focuses on the licence plate. She picks up the phone and dials.
VOICE ON TELEPHONE: San Juan Capistrano PD.
VERONICA: [Adopting Inga's accent] Tony, it's Inga. Ahh, guess what? Our computers is down again.
TONY: Inga. Upgrade already, this must be the tenth time.
VERONICA: You preach to the choir, Tony. Listen, we had a hit and run last night. Victim got the plates but we need someone to run them.
TONY: No problem. Hit me.
VERONICA: Arizona-Four-Victor-Golf-Zero-Zero-Zero.
TONY: Well, I'll be damned. Some families.
VERONICA: What is it?
TONY: That car is registered to one Lianne Mars.
Veronica lets the mouthpiece drop away from her mouth. She is slowly replacing the receiver when Keith enters from his office.
KEITH: Bored. [Leaning against the doorjamb] Call it a day, maybe catch a movie or something?
VERONICA: Explain to me again why we're dropping the Kane case.
KEITH: [Uncomfortably and not looking at Veronica] Look. I um I did run those plates and uh it's what I thought, corporate espionage stuff. [Veronica sags behind him] It's dangerous. We don't get paid enough. So Let's just drop it okay?
VERONICA: 'Kay
KEITH: Movie?
VERONICA: Can't.
Veronica grabs her stuff and leaves before Keith turns around.
KEITH: Well maybe we can rent something. Uh, what are you what are you in the mood f- Keith sees the door close. Cut to inside the Sheriff's Department. Veronica approaches Inga's counter.
INGA: Veronica! Ach, little Veronica, how are you? How's your father.
VERONICA: Fine, Inga, we're both fine.
INGA: I haven't seen you since [realisation hits] since
VERONICA: [Brusquely] Been a while. Can you tell me where the Cortez-Win prelim is?
INGA: Courtroom three.
VERONICA: Thanks. [Heads out]
VERONICA VOICEOVER: The last time I was here. Come on, Inga. That's easy.
Cut to Veronica in her white party dress after her rape. She slowly mounts the steps to the Sheriff's Department. She approaches Inga's desk, clearly distressed.
INGA: Veronica! What happened to you?
VERONICA: I need to report a crime.
Cut to a derisive Sheriff Lamb in his office. Veronica sits on the other side of his desk.
SHERIFF LAMB: [Sarcastically] Is there anyone in particular you'd like me to arrest or should I just round up the sons of the most important families in town? [Veronica can't believe his response] I've got not a shred of evidence to work with here but that really doesn't matter to your family, now does it. [Veronica can't hold back a tear] Ummm...Look at this. She cries. [Leans back in his chair] I'll tell you what Veronica Mars, why don't you go see the wizard. Ask for a little back bone. Cut immediately to present day scene of Lamb giving evidence.
SHERIFF LAMB: When we find 'em, they've still got twenty bottles stuffed in their pockets. [Pauses as he sees Veronica enter the court. He is taken aback] They say they bought the beers but we've got it all on tape, so
PROSECUTOR: Your Honour, can we show the tape? JUDGE: Let's see it.
SHERIFF LAMB: All right, what you're gonna see here are the two defendants over there.
The defendants are Hector and the Asian Biker from the Sac-n-Pac. They are being represented by Cliff.
SHERIFF LAMB: They enter and The video is not from the Sac-n-Pac. It is from the Seventh Veil where one of the Sheriff's Deputies is escorting one of the strippers from the club to his vehicle.
JUDGE: What are we seeing here, Sheriff?
SHERIFF LAMB: Uh, Your Honour, I
JUDGE: Sheriff Lamb, is this one of your officers? Is this how you run your department?
Lamb is uncomfortable, Veronica amused. The courtroom gives a collective gasp as the stripper heads down to the deputy's lap. Lamb is frantically trying to figure out what's going on.
CLIFF: Ahh, Your Honour, is this an appropriate time to for a dismissal in People v Loretta Cancoon. Lamb looks up. Veronica fashions a gun with forefinger and thumb and nails him with a verbal 'Tsk'. "Atomic Girl" by the Wannabes powers in. Lamb gets it, as does Cliff who is appreciative. Veronica leaves.
JUDGE: Counsel. Lamb stares after her. He is not a happy bunny. Cut to Veronica pulling up at the beach.
SONG: Hello, Atomic Girl, your signal's getting weak The world is suffocating fast
[Indecipherable line] There's been a problem You're so much stronger You're lonely by yourself Just waiting to be found
Wallace is flying his plane. She has the envelope from Fire Chief Phil and joins him.
VERONICA: Got a present for you. Veronica hands the envelope to Wallace. He open it and pulls out a video. He gives a huge sigh of relief as he replaces it in the envelope.
WALLACE: I owe you big time.
VERONICA: I had my own reasons for doing it, trust me.
WALLACE: Oh no you don't. You really think I'm gonna let you get away with that? That might play with the masses. But underneath that angry young women shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars, a twinkie.
Veronica laughs softly. Later, still on the beach, Veronica has the plane controls.
VERONICA: OK, how do I make it loop the loop? Wallace is distracted by something he can see in the distance.
WALLACE: Uh, Veronica?
VERONICA: Yeah.
WALLACE: Your car.
Veronica looks and hands the controls back to Wallace. She heads for her car. Logan is lying on the bonnet, a tyre iron in his hands. Three other guys are standing around. Next to Veronica's car is another SUV. Veronica stops in front of her car. Wallace races up behind her.
LOGAN: Hey, Veronica Mars. [Jumping off the car] Do you know what your little joke cost me?
VERONICA: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.
Logan swings the tyre iron and takes out a headlight. Veronica flinches.
LOGAN: [Twirling the tyre iron] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?
VERONICA: Clearly your sense of humour.
Logan takes out the other headlight.
LOGAN: Nope. You're usually so good at pop quizzes. The correct answer is my car. That's right. My Daddy took my T-Bird away. And you know what I won't be having. Fun, fun, fun. Logan has moved to stand directly in front of Veronica and doesn't notice the sound of motorbike engines pulling up.
LOGAN LACKEY: Uh-uh, Logan. Weevil and co. pull up to the scene. Logan finally notices and turns around. Weevil gets off his bike as Logan heads towards him.
WEEVIL: What do we have here? Vandalism? No, no no. Only vandalism that happens in this town goes through me.
LOGAN: Listen man, I don't have a problem with you.
WEEVIL: That's where you're wrong.
They stare at each other. In the meantime Felix has pulled himself onto the running strip of the SUV and leaned in to pick out a CD.
FELIX: Hey yo. Is this O-Town any good? I mean my little sister likes it but you know, she likes ponies and juice boxes too. [The bikers laugh.]
WALLACE: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from 'The Outsiders'.
VERONICA: Be cool, Sodapop.
Weevil has relieved Logan of the tyre iron and heads for the SUV.
LOGAN LACKEY: Hey that's not his car, that's my mom's car.
WEEVIL: She can bill me.
Weevil hits the SUV in the middle of the bonnet, hard. He takes out one of the headlights and then goes for the bonnet a couple times more. Everyone watches, the Loganites in horror, the biker in glee.
WEEVIL: That's it. [Hands the tyre iron to Logan Lackey] Head for the hills. I'm not gonna say it twice. Logan's crowd heads for the SUV.
WEEVIL: [Pointing to Logan] Except for you. You, say you're sorry.
LOGAN: [Chuckles] Rub a lamp. [Winks]
Weevil punches him in the stomach. Logan goes down. Veronica looks uncomfortable.
WEEVIL: I said, say you're sorry. Logan gets back up and faces Weevil again.
LOGAN: [Deliberately] Kiss my ass. Weevil throws a punch to Logan's face. He goes down again. Weevil laughs. Logan gets up again, blood coming from his nose. He is not going to apologise.
WEEVIL: Now
VERONICA: Let him go.
WEEVIL: Are you sure? I could do this for a while.
VERONICA: I don't want his apology.
Logan heads for the SUV.
WEEVIL: So that, uh, surveillance tape just poof?
VERONICA: That's fortunate.
Logan and friends drive off with the bikers encouragement.
WEEVIL: My uncle has a body shop on the highway. If you come in, you know, I can make sure your body gets the full service treatment.
VERONICA: OK, now you apologise.
WEEVIL: I'm sorry, w-was that too dirty, 'cause
VERONICA: Not to me dork. To him [indicating Wallace].
WEEVIL: Right. No.
VERONICA: Fine. He has the only copy of the Sac-n-Pac video. Wallace, let's go decide what to do with it.
WEEVIL: OK. Wait, wait, wait, look, look. I'm sorry man, umm, for, you know, taping you to the the flagpole, I'm sorry.
WALLACE: All right.
WEEVIL: Can I have the tape back now?
WALLACE: No.
Veronica laughs and she and Wallace get in her car as Weevil looks on. Cut to night. The music is "Butterflies" by David Garza.
SONG: Speaking of the truth, I like to hear that once in a while And I'll even listen to all your vanity Utter lies are like butterflies They just both die in a couple of days Show me all your proof, put it right in front of my eyes And I'll even listen to all your vanity Utter lies are like butterflies They just both die in a couple of days.
Veronica is driving.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: This morning when I woke up, I had one person in the world I could count on. But if there's something I've learned in this business, the people you love let you down. Veronica has pulled up outside Mars Investigations and watches her father leave the office. She heads in once it's clear and goes into Keith's office.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dad doesn't think I know where he keeps the combination to the safe. He's wrong. Of course, I've never needed to use it. [Opens safe and pulls out a large file.] Oh my god, the Lilly Kane murder file. What's Dad been up to? Some of these notes are less than a month old. The confessed killer is already on death row but Dad still hasn't given up on the case. My surveillance photo from the Camelot, why is it in the Lilly Kane file? What was Mom doing there and what business did she have with Jake Kane. And the million dollar question, why did Dad lie to me? Veronica is now sitting at the desk in the main office, pondering. Keith enters.
KEITH: What are you doing back here? I saw the light.
VERONICA: I forgot a few of my books.
KEITH: It's up and at 'em, Atom Ant, come on. It's family fun night. I called out to Mama Leone's, I rented 'The South Park Movie'.
VERONICA: My favourite.
KEITH: Hey, who's your Daddy?
VERONICA: [Smiling] You are. Uh, I have to make a stop, so meet you at home?
KEITH: OK. But hurry up. I worry about you.
VERONICA: [Kissing her father] Yeah, you do.
She leaves. Keith looks over to the desk. The unicorn music box is open and playing on the desk. He looks sad and pensive.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: OK, so he lied to me. But I've got to believe he has his reasons. He's probably trying to protect me. That's what dads do. [Cut to Veronica driving.] Still, I've got too many questions swirling about in my head to wait until he's willing to share. These questions need answers. That's what I do.
Cut to Veronica's hand, knocking on the door of Room 6 at the Camelot. There is no answer. Camera pulls back as Veronica gazes out over the motel balcony.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: OK, it's a long shot but I can't help myself. I used to think I knew what tore our family apart. Now I'm sure I don't. But I promise this. I will find out what really happened and I will bring this family back together again. I'm sorry, is that mushy? Well, you know what they say. Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow.


Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa
Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is ordering at the counter.
Frasier: Cranberry muffin, please. And, uh... a vanilla latte.
Niles: Oh, dear, comfort food. What happened?
Frasier sits.
Frasier: Niles? Do you think I'm elitist?
Niles: Of course I do. You needn't worry about that.
Frasier: No, not in the good way. At work today, I discovered an injurious graffito about me. Scrawled on the men's room wall.
Niles: No.
Frasier pulls a piece of toilet paper from his pocket to read from.
Frasier: Yes. Quote: There once was a man, Frasier Crane, Who says he can feel your pain. But he acts like a snob, To the guys at his job, And I think he's totally lame.
Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired...
Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point! I have always striven to be approachable, the embodiment of the words "If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue..."
Niles: "Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch."
Frasier: Exactly!
The waiter brings Frasier's coffee and muffin.
Frasier: Thank you. If maligner truly knew who I was, he'd have found that a more apt characterization than "snob."
Niles: Assuming he's familiar with Kipling.
They snicker.
Frasier: What are the odds?
Roz stops in the doorway to kiss her boyfriend goodbye before he heads off.
Frasier: Well, Roz. I'd ask you to join us, but I see you've already had happy hour. Well, here, please, join us.
They rise and make room for her and they all sit.
Frasier: So?
Roz: Well, his name is Roger, and we've been kinda goin' out for the last couple of weeks.
Frasier: All right, tell us about him.
Roz: He's very sweet - and he's a garbage man, so go ahead and make your jokes.
Frasier: What jokes? Why does everyone assume I look down on the common man?
Niles: Oh, I've got a good one: So, even in his off time, he's taking out the trash.
Roz laughs along with him.
Frasier: Technically, that's really more about Roz. Now if I were to make a joke about him, which of course I wouldn't, I'd say he has a thing for Roz's can.
Roz: You two finished?
They nod as she gets up.
Roz: And don't worry, I won't get dumped. She turns and goes to the counter.
Niles: I'd already passed on that.
Frasier: Yes, it's a bit on the nose.
They laugh. FADE OUT.
HE KICKED SPASSKY'S
BUTT IN REYKJAVIK
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Daphne and Martin are in the living room, going through boxes. Niles comes in the front door.
Niles: Dad, Daphne.
Daphne: Hey. [she holds up a photo] Look what your father found: a picture of you in a teddy bear costume.
Niles: Why do you have all this out?
Martin: Well, I was makin' room in the storage closet and I found some of your old stuff.
Niles: What else is in here?
Martin: Well, here's your cap and your blazer from Bryce academy.
Niles sits next to Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, I bet you were the cutest thing in that.
Niles: Oh, well, here's a picture of me in it.
Daphne: [a bit flat] Oh.
Niles: [picking up a plaque] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Bobby Fisher's autograph.
Martin: Well, son, it's been enough years, I can probably tell you the truth about that.
Niles: [holding the plaque to his chest proudly] What?
Martin: [covering] Oh, look! A picture of you in your first little league uniform. [wistfully] Don't know why I said "first."
Daphne: [taking it] Was that your game face?
Niles: Oh, no, no. I'd just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
Martin: Tell her who was pitchin'.
Niles: I was.
Daphne puts her arm around him to comfort him and kisses his cheek.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 3 - KACL
Fade in. Frasier is sitting at his desk, Roz comes in with a bouquet.
Frasier: Flowers from your new beau?
Roz: Yeah.
She carries them over to her side.
Frasier: Must be nice to be liked.
Roz: [coming back] Are you still obsessing over that limerick?
Frasier: People are making additions. Good lord, I've read anthologies with fewer contributing authors.
Roz: I'm sure they'll all wash right off.
Frasier: If only there were a solvent that could remove the stains they've left on my spirit.
Roz heads back to her side.
Roz: It was a joke. What's the big deal?
Frasier: [following] Oh, yes, I know. Being written up on the bathroom wall is no big deal to you. But that limerick made a point, as all good limericks do. It seems to have resonated with everyone around here. I want these people to know the real Frasier Crane.
Roz: Wouldn't it be better if you tried to make them like you?
Frasier: Yes. And to that end I was thinking along the lines of... oh, say a little party. For the entire staff, at my place. Hey, you could bring Roger!
Roz: Thanks. But I think it's a little too soon. I don't want to put any pressure on him.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz. You're always saying you don't have a date for these things.
Roz: There's gonna be a lotta radio talk, and I'm not sure he's gonna be that comfortable with this crowd.
Frasier: Who is? Come on, Roz, I'd like to meet him.
Roz: I don't know. Maybe next party.
Frasier: Does this have anything to do with his occupation, you know, his being a refuse collector?
Roz: No, I am completely comfortable with his job. I just don't want him to feel awkward around other people.
Frasier: Okay.
Roz: Not that he should. Or would.
Frasier: Yes, all right, fine, fine. If you change your mind, he's more than welcome. It promises to be a real wing-ding. If being a snob is the reputation I've built around here, then this party will be the wrecking ball of congeniality that tears it down.
Roz: Yeah, say stuff like that.
Getting her point, he smirks and heads back to his side. FADE OUT. Scene 4 - Roz's Apartment Fade in. Roger comes in the front, carrying Alice and roller blades.
[N.B. The first appearance of Ashley Thomas as Alice May Doyle.]
Roger: Say "Come on, Mom."
Alice: Come on, Mom.
Roger: Say "Don't be a wuss."
Alice: Don't be a wuss.
Roz comes in.
Roz: I'm not a wuss. Roger puts Alice down and collapses next to her.
Roger: Ohh, I know you said you were gonna make dinner, but why not just open a can of something?
Roz: How'd you think I was gonna make dinner? Alice, go pick out some PJs.
Roger: [pulling a book from his backpack] When you're ready, I've got a special book for you. It's called "Make Room for Monkeys." Now hurry up, get outta here, go on.
Alice hurries off. Roz picks the book up and sits down.
Roz: "Make Room for Monkeys"? Where did you find this? You know it's out of print.
Roger: Yeah, well, a certain very bad skater told me it was her favorite book when she was growing up, so I kept my eyes open and I found it in a pile of old books.
Roz: [nervously] You mean like at the dump?
Roger: No, not a dump! Please, it's a secret underground landfill accessible only to garbage men. And the Mole People who live there. I used to be one of them, but then I decided to join the surface dwellers and find my queen.
Roz kisses him and leans against him.
Roz: Thank you. That's very thoughtful.
Roger: And you will make an excellent Mole Queen. Of course, after a year underground, your eyes will fuse shut. Your sense of smell will stick around...
Roz: Okay, stop, stop, stop. Do you joke around about your career because you're uncomfortable talking about it?
Roger: You mean deeply and utterly ashamed?
Roz: Whatever, your words.
Roger: I don't know, I've never really thought about it as a career. I mean, it's just a job to me. You know, it's got great benefits, and afternoons off and... when I have a family, I'll get to spend a lot of time with them. How sweet will that be?
Roz: Would you like to go to a party with me on Saturday?
Roger: I'd love to. I found a great pair of shoes this morning. They damn near match.
She slaps him playfully and leans back against him. FADE OUT. Scene 5 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. The staff of KACL is at the party and Frasier is greeting newcomers at the door.
Frasier: Good to see you, glad you could come, make yourselves at home. Martin comes over.
Martin: Hey, Fras, why don't you introduce me some of your friends?
Frasier: I wish I could, Dad. I don't know any of these people myself.
Martin: You don't? I better go hide my beer in the crisper.
He heads to the kitchen as one of the employees walks up.
Jason: Hey, Frasier, thanks for inviting me to your party.
Frasier: Well, it's my pleasure... man.
Jason: Did you see the game today?
Frasier: Actually, I did not.
Jason: Aw, man, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the end with a last minute field goal. It's all about special teams, am I right?
Frasier: Ah, right. You know, I think they prefer the term "challenged."
The employee looks confused as Frasier notices Roz at the door.
Frasier: Roz, Roz! Come on in, Good to see you. And you must be Roger.
Roger: Yeah.
Frasier: Lovely to meet you.
Roger: Hey, Jason.
Frasier: Right. Jason, this is Roger. Yeah, the ol' J-man here and I were just shootin' the breeze, ya know. This guy. Okay, so enjoy yourself there. [He turns to Roz as Jason heads away.] So, Roz um... Roger, do you suppose I could borrow Roz for just one minute?
Roger: Yeah.
Frasier: Thank you so much.
He pulls Roz aside.
Frasier: Roz, please, don't leave me alone here, I don't know any of these people's names.
Roz: Frasier, I can't leave Roger alone in a room full of nosey strangers.
Frasier: Oh, look, look, he's already met Dad. He knows as many people as I do.
Roz: I'm sorry. You're gonna have to find yourself another patsy.
She walks away.
Frasier: Well where the hell am I supposed to find another... [noticing] ...Kenny!
CUT TO: Roz as she walks by Martin's chair. Noel is sitting in it and gets up.
Noel: Hey Roz! Lookin' su-weet!
Roz: Hey, Noel.
Noel: So, that's the competition? Or, are you just using him to make me jealous?
Roz: Actually, I forgot you were gonna be here.
Noel: I'll bet you regret bringing the arm candy now. So, uh, what's he do?
Roz: He... works for the city.
Noel: So, in a manner of speaking, I pay his salary. Which makes me his boss. Does that turn you on?
Roz turns away with a very disturbed look. She goes up to Roger.
Roz: Roger, would you like something to drink?
Roger: Yeah, I'll come with you. Nice meeting you, Martin.
They head for the drinks table and meet up with another worker, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Introduce me to your friend.
Roz: Roger, this is Cheryl.
Roger: Hey, Cheryl, how you doing?
Cheryl: Hi, nice to meet you. I think I know you from somewhere.
Roger: Yeah? Maybe I work in your neighborhood.
Cheryl: Oh, what do you do?
Roz: What doesn't he do? He sends me flowers and gives me massages and he's just great.
Cheryl: Really? You know she has a kid, right?
Roz: Okay, Cheryl!
Cheryl takes the hint and walks away.
Roger: So, uh, why didn't you tell her what I do?
Roz: And have her stalking you at work? I don't think so.
CUT TO: Frasier talking to some guests, Dennis and Emily. Emily is a bit overweight. Kenny is behind him, whispering names.
Dennis: Great party, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks. Glad you could come...
Kenny: Dennis.
Frasier: Dennis. You too...
Kenny: Emily.
Frasier: Emily. Say, when are you expecting?
Kenny: NNNOOO!
Frasier: ...this weather to change?
CUT TO: Noel meeting up with Roger.
Noel: Well, you're not the first rustler who's tried to cut my filly from the herd.
Roger looks very confused.
CUT TO: Frasier talking to Dennis and Emily.
Frasier: So, did you guys happen to see the game today?
Dennis: No, I missed that. Who won?
Martin walks up behind him.
Frasier: Actually, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the last second with a real clutch field goal. Say Dad, what's goin' on?
Martin: I don't know.
CUT TO: Kenny talking to Roger.
Kenny: Yeah, the station manager's sort of the head honcho. You know, the go-to guy. You could replace virtually everybody at the station except for me. [he notices Roz behind him] And Roz! So, uh, what do you do?
Roger: I'm a...
Roz: Roger, could you please get me a sandwich?
Roger: Yeah, okay.
Kenny: So I take it handsome's not in the biz, huh? So, what's he do?
Roz: What difference does it make Kenny? Why are people so obsessed with what you do? Every party you ever go to, all anyone ever asks you is "What do you do?" "What do you do?"
Roger returns behind her.
Roz: You know, not everyone has a job they're proud of, did you ever think of that? Why can't you ask him about music or sports or books, for God's sake. "Have you read a good book, lately?" Why don't you ask him that instead of embarrassing everybody.
Roger: Here's your sandwich, Roz.
Kenny: So, have you read any good books lately?
Roger: No, actually, us garbage men don't have a lot of time to read books. We've gotta get up pretty early in the morning, so I guess I'd better get out of here. Bye, Roz.
He heads for the door.
Roger: Hey, Frasier, thanks a lot.
Frasier: Right.
Roger: It was really nice meeting everyone.
He heads out.
Frasier: [calling] Goodbye.
Kenny: [whispering] Roger!
Frasier: I know that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
End of Act 1
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act 2 Scene 1 - KACL Fade in. Roz is at her desk, Frasier in the hallway behind her.
Dennis: Hey! Crane man!
Frasier: Dennis, Lisa. Hi. Patty, lookin' good.
He chuckles as he comes in and closes the door.
Frasier: Kill me.
Roz: What are you talking about? You're Mr. Popularity.
Frasier: Yes. And it's a living hell. I have spent the entire morning exchanging fake pleasantries with a bunch of people that I have absolutely nothing in common with. I miss being unapproachable.
Roz: I thought you wanted to be loved by the common man.
Frasier: Yes, but couldn't they have sent just one representative?
He heads for his side of the booth. Roz follows, but stops to stare out the window at a janitor emptying a waste basket.
Frasier: Roz?
Roz: I'm sorry. Ever since Roger and I broke up, I can't look at trash the same way.
Frasier: Do you want to talk about it?
Roz: No, it's okay. It's just so weird. You go through life meeting people who are all the same, you know. And they just think you're the same, too. And then one day, you meet this guy, but he's not the same, because he actually sees that you're not the same. And he knows, because he's the same way.
Frasier: Roz, sounds to me like you're in love.
Roz: I can't be. I know this is shallow and I hate myself for it, but I can't be in love with a garbage man.
Frasier: Well, then, you need to move on and realize that you've learned something about yourself.
Roz: Great. I learned that I'm a snob.
Frasier: No, no. Just that you have certain standards that it may be difficult for others to live up to. You know, Roz, it seems you and I are more alike than we thought.
Roz: Okay, now I'm really miserable. Look at me, I'm a mess.
Frasier: Well, tell you what, we've got a few minutes before the show starts, just go clean yourself up.
Roz: Okay. Thanks.
She heads out. Jason, Noel and another worker come in the other door.
Jason: Hey, hey.
Noel: Dr. Crane, what's goin' on?
Frasier: Uh, my show, actually, in about two minutes. What can I do for you gentlemen?
Jason: Sue invited us all over to watch the fight on pay per view.
Frasier: Right. Well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm going to have to decline.
Jason: Okay, we'll catch you next time.
Frasier: Well, actually, you won't. Jason, Noel... you there. I've been living a lie. Let me tell you a little something about a few things I don't like: Boxing for one. Sporting events of any kind. Barbecues, office parties, buddy movies. Any dish made with marshmallows. Things that I DO like: the opera, the symphony, Elizabethan revenge dramas et cetera. So, if you're not inclined toward any of these interests, well, then, our association can be civil at best. Are we all clear on this concept?
They turn away.
Noel: I told you.
The three leave the booth, muttering. Frasier sits at his desk with a self-satisfied look. FADE OUT.
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Daphne is going through some boxes again and Martin is reading the paper. Niles comes in.
Niles: Hey, what's going on?
Daphne: I found another box of pictures from your childhood.
Niles: Oh, no.
Daphne: Oh, look at this one, you're adorable.
Niles: Yes, it's all adorable. My retainer and the membership card to the young magician's club and that picture of me in my choo-choo jammies.
Martin: Yeah, with your caboose hangin' out.
Daphne: Adorable.
Niles: Can we just give my childhood a rest for a while? I mean, how would you feel if I took your most humiliating moments and put them on display?
Daphne: You know, I think I've got the perfect picture frame for this one.
She heads off to her room, Niles sits on the couch.
Martin: So she puts a few pictures out, what's the big deal? There's a whole part of your life she missed out on.
Niles: I guess.
Martin: Besides, I like seein' your old stuff.
He pulls a piece of paper from the coffee table.
Martin: Ah, no one around here draws pictures any more. What the hell is this supposed to be, anyway?
Niles: [coming over to him] Oh! That is an Egyptian battle scene from �Aida.� That's Radames and that's the jealous Amneris... Oh, I misspelled "Amonasro." Oh, to be six again.
Martin gets up and heads for the kitchen as Daphne returns carrying a box.
Niles: Oh, what is that?
Daphne: Some things from my childhood. You asked how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot, go ahead, take a look.
Niles pulls a drawing from the box.
Niles: Okay. Ooh, well, that's a wonderful drawing of a... uh... turtle.
Daphne: No, that's me Dad crawling home from the pub.
Niles: Well why did you sign it "Dappy"?
Daphne: Oh, me Mum did that. My family called me "Dappy" because I couldn't say "Daphne."
Niles: Really?
Daphne: Yeah, I hated it. My brothers would sing "Dappy, Dappy, wet her nappy."
Niles: Well, I think it's precious... Dappy. I'm gonna call you that from now on... Dappy.
Daphne: No you won't.
Niles: Well, how about I call you "Dappy" until you put my mementos back in the box. How does that sound, Dappy?
Daphne: Well, that's not fair.
Niles: Oh, Dad. [Martin comes back in with a beer.] You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child.
Martin: [heading for his room] Was it worse than "Piles"?
Niles gets a defeated look on his face as Daphne smiles.
Daphne: Well, that can't bring up fond memories.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 3 - Roz's Apartment
Fade in. Roz is working with a cleaning lady, Alice is sitting on the couch reading "Make Room for Monkeys." There is the sound of a truck outside.
Alice: Roger's here. She gets up and runs for the door.
Alice: Let's go see him.
Roz: I don't think so, sweety.
Alice: Why?
Roz: Well, it's hard to explain.
Alice: Why?
Roz: It's complicated.
Alice: Why?
Roz goes over, picks up Alice and sits on the couch with her.
Roz: Mommy works in an office and Roger works in a truck. And people in offices and people in trucks... it's complicated.
Alice: I like Roger.
Roz: I know, honey.
Alice: Do you like Roger?
Roz: Yes, but...
She realizes.
Roz: Yeah.
Alice: Okay...
Roz: Okay. Sarah, can you look after Alice? I'll be right back.
She sets Alice down and heads out the door.
CUT TO: the outside of her apartment building.
Roz: Roger! He's just climbing on his truck and turns to her.
Roger: Hi.
Roz: I'm so sorry that I've been such an idiot. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is that I miss you like crazy. Do you still have an opening for a Mole Queen?
Roger: You sure?
She climbs on the back of the truck and kisses him. The truck pulls down the alley to the next stop. Roger gets down to grab the cans, Roz helps him. FADE OUT.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roz waves goodbye to Roger as the truck moves down the alley. It stops and Roger gets down to grab the garbage. Roz keeps waving when he gets back on the truck.