2.10 - The Bracebridge Dinner
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are building a snowman in the center of town.]
LORELAI: How do you like that mouth?
RORY: Um, it's not very mouthlike.
LORELAI: Oh, I think it works.
RORY: It's tilted to the side.
LORELAI: Yeah, no, it was intentional. It gives her a unique expression.
RORY: Like she had a stroke?
LORELAI: Fine, I'll just use the Mrs. Potato Head lips.
RORY: No, forget it, leave stroke-mouth. It's not like we're gonna win this anyway.
LORELAI: Whoa, bad attitude.
RORY: Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen. [looks at a man working on an elaborate snow sculpture]
LORELAI: I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top, way too showy. It's screaming 'I'm incredible, I'm special, look at me.'
RORY: Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest.
LORELAI: Hmm, I hate this man with every fiber of my being.
RORY: He looks nice.
LORELAI: He's a ringer.
RORY: How do you figure?
LORELAI: Someone recruited him, promised him a handsome sum, financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements, so he could snatch victory away from a deserving local in order to bag the contest prize for himself.
RORY: Seems a little elaborate considering that the prize is a set of new US quarters.
LORELAI: Oh, we're ignoring him now. So, what are we gonna do on your school break?
RORY: A lot of nothing.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
RORY: Plus some homework.
LORELAI: And a lot of movies.
RORY: Oh, we have to rent Godfather 3 on DVD.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: In the audio commentary, Coppola actually defends casting Sofia.
LORELAI: Now that is fatherly love. What's all this homework you have to do?
RORY: Just stuff for the paper.
LORELAI: What? Why?
RORY: Because Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break and she says the news never sleeps.
LORELAI: What about Paris, does she ever sleep?
RORY: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down.
LORELAI: Well, you can't work the whole time.
RORY: I won't, I promise. Oh my God.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: He's power buffing.
LORELAI: Aw, now that is just wrong.
RORY: We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow.
LORELAI: And we're Ernest Builds a Snowman.
RORY: We shouldn't look at him anymore.
LORELAI: Heads down, stay focused.
RORY: We can do this.
LORELAI: Absolutely.
[their snowman's head falls off]
RORY: Let's get some coffee?
LORELAI: Right behind you.
OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk on the phone. In the background, Rune is jumping up and down trying to dust a picture frame.]
MICHEL: [oh phone] Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford. That's that's no problem, sir. Yes. Yes, you can return it to Bradley International. That's that's very convenient. Or you you can um, you - hold please. [puts phone down, walks over to Rune and grabs his arm]
RUNE: Ah!
MICHEL: Stop that.
RUNE: Stop what?
MICHEL: Stop jumping like a Mexican bean.
RUNE: Well, Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames. How do you suggest that I clean the top, smartie? [Michel takes the picture off the wall] Well, I didn't know that you could do that.
MICHEL: Yes, I am miraculously talented, aren't I?
RUNE: I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair.
MICHEL: That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums.
LORELAI: Hey, no bickering in the lobby, guys.
RUNE: Where are we allowed to bicker?
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: You've got all the mushrooms? You double checked?
JACKSON: I've triple checked. I've quadruple checked.
SOOKIE: The shitake, the nameko, the chanterelle?
JACKSON: Once again, I've got it all.
SOOKIE: The matsutake? The makeniya?
JACKSON: Uh wait.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: I don't have makeniya.
SOOKIE: You don't have makeniya?
JACKSON: I don't have makeniya.
SOOKIE: I made it up. [giggles] You passed the test.
JACKSON: Don't test me.
[Lorelai walks in the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey, the auditions are starting. You wanna come watch?
SOOKIE: Ooh, yes!
JACKSON: Auditions for what?
SOOKIE: Musicians.
LORELAI: For the Bracebridge Dinner.
JACKSON: Geez, you guys are going crazy with this dinner.
SOOKIE: Jackson, I told you, this dinner is not just about food. We are recreating an authentic 19th century meal.
LORELAI: The servers are all gonna be in period clothing, they're gonna speak period English. Here, look at the costumes.
JACKSON: Nice.
SOOKIE: We're talking seven courses here. Soup, fish, Peacock Pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad, then the Plum Pudding and the Wassail.
LORELAI: And there's gonna be a big raised platform where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities.
SOOKIE: Yeah, he tastes the foods and makes pronouncements. He's like the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest.
LORELAI: Ah.
JACKSON: It all sounds great.
SOOKIE: Oh, it is, it is. By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge. Ready?
LORELAI: Let's go.
SOOKIE: Yeah. [they leave]
JACKSON: Huh? What was that?
CUT TO LOBBY
SOOKIE: What are we looking at today?
LORELAI: Okay, this is the last on our list. We've already got our trumpets, our madrigal singers
JACKSON: Uh, sorry to interrupt but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge.
LORELAI: We've got all our servers lined up. This is just for recorder players and harpists. Hi. Uh, lay some on us guys.
[two recorder players play]
SOOKIE: Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things.
LORELAI: You've got the gig. I will call you later with the details. Thanks.
[the recorder players leave]
JACKSON: So are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. Sorry you were under the impression that I'd do this.
SOOKIE: When do the guests arrive?
LORELAI: Thursday at four - on their own jet.
SOOKIE: After buying out the whole inn.
LORELAI: Must be nice to have money.
SOOKIE: Uh! Hey, you know what struck me today?
JACKSON: Was it the fact that I'm not the Squire - did that strike you?
SOOKIE: We are crazy for doing this.
LORELAI: We're beyond crazy. We are 'Anne Heche speaking her secret language to God and looking for the spaceship in Fresno' crazy.
SOOKIE: Oh Quiness, nokka don atta.
LORELAI: Il ek notra doska donne.
JACKSON: And springing this on me at the last minute too, I mean, that's just manipulative.
[a chef comes out of the kitchen]
CHEF: Sookie, fire! [leaves]
SOOKIE: I gotta get back in the kitchen. You'll handle the harp?
LORELAI: You got it.
JACKSON: All right, okay, I'll do it. I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want. Geez.
SOOKIE: Thanks Sweetie. [walks to kitchen]
JACKSON: As long as it's not just because I fit the costume. It's because I fit the costume, isn't it? [leaves]
LORELAI: [to harpist] Go ahead.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings while the harpist is playing]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hi, it's Lorelai.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's me.
LORELAI: Oh, hi Chris, how are you?
CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. You, uh, got a minute?
LORELAI: Uh oh.
CHRISTOPHER: It's not an uh oh, I just wanted to run an idea by you.
LORELAI: Run it.
CHRISTOPHER: Now it's totally your call and I don't want to step on any plans you've already made, but I know Rory has a break in school coming up, and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her coming to visit for a couple of days.
LORELAI: Uhh, a couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven?
LORELAI: Do you even have room for someone to stay?
CHRISTOPHER: Not just room - a room. A designated guest room. Sherry fixed it up really nice.
LORELAI: Aww, good for her.
CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's awfully last minute.
CHRISTOPHER: It's totally last minute. You can say no and there'll be no hard feelings.
LORELAI: Well, it's really up to Rory to say yes or no.
CHRISTOPHER: So you're cool with it?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure, if Rory is, yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: Great, that's great. Uh, thank you. I'll let you run it past her and you can get back to me whenever. No pressure.
LORELAI: No pressure.
CHRISTOPHER: Talk to you later.
LORELAI: Yeah, talk to you later.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Rory are eating dinner silently. Rory get Lorelai's attention and gestures for her to say something.]
LORELAI: So what are your travel plans Dad?
RICHARD: Hmm?
LORELAI: You and mom, you always go out of town this time of year.
RORY: Last year it was the Bahamas.
RICHARD: Yes, that's right, it was.
LORELAI: I remember you had fun too. You said the Bahama mians were real nice. The Bahamites? The Bahamamamamians?
RORY: The Bahamians.
LORELAI: Yes. They were nice.
EMILY: They were nice.
LORELAI: So, what are your plans?
EMILY: We're not going anywhere this year.
RORY: Why not? Oh, well yeah, it can be really nice just to stay at home sometimes because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for.
LORELAI: Yeah, like play Running Charades, and get out that Slip 'n Slide.
RICHARD: We'll see.
EMILY: Yes, we'll see.
RICHARD: Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls. Say goodbye before you leave, will you?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure Dad.
[Richard leaves]
LORELAI: When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself?
EMILY: I don't know. The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight.
LORELAI: Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' [pause] But I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight so, I'll think of another example.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY
[Sookie is lecturing to a group of people; Kirk is transcribing everything she says on his laptop.]
SOOKIE: Keep in mind during the Bracebridge Dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers, so any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do Kirk, you're driving me crazy!
KIRK: Who me? [reads transcript] 'Whatever we can do to Kirk you're driving me crazy.' Yeah, me. Ah, sorry.
SOOKIE: Okay, now guys, look at the materials I gave you, and tell me if a guest asks you how the food's coming, what would be the appropriate Old English response? Rune!
RUNE: Greetings!
SOOKIE: You just read the first thing on the list, didn't you?
RUNE: Maybe.
SOOKIE: Guys, the correct response: Ah, oven's day with baked meat choke!
RUNE: Question?
SOOKIE: Yeah?
RUNE: What color dress will I be wearing when I say this?
JACKSON: Rune, don't be an idiot.
RUNE: Well, this is stupid.
JACKSON: Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about.
KIRK: Yes, but unfortunately we don't all share intimacies with her, so she doesn't cut us any slack.
JACKSON: She doesn't treat me differently.
KIRK: She's called you Peaches three times. It's all in the transcript.
RUNE: Sookie, instead of talking in Old English, can I just talk like an old man?
SOOKIE: What?
RUNE: Hey you kids, get off my lawn!
SOOKIE: No, no you cannot just talk like an old man.
[Lorelai walks into the lobby]
SOOKIE: Hi, honey, what's the matter?
LORELAI: They're snowed in.
SOOKIE: Who's snowed in?
LORELAI: The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off.
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna cry.
LORELAI: I offered to fund the instant invention of a molecular transport device but they just didn't go for it.
SOOKIE: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad!
RUNE: Sookie, does this mean that my pockets wileth not with money get choked? That sounded like Old English. Cool, huh?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai, Sookie, and Rory are sitting at a table]
SOOKIE: I've got thirty pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of pruned tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands.
LORELAI: Take a sip
SOOKIE: How can you stay so calm about this?
LORELAI: There's nothing we can do about it.
RORY: I can't believe they got snowed in.
LORELAI: All that work, all that extra help we hired. Oh well. At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money.
SOOKIE: Yeah I guess. You know, I could still make up the dinner for the three of us.
RORY: Yeah, but then it would be like the three of us, all alone in the dining room.
LORELAI: It would be like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune.
[Luke walks over to them]
LUKE: You girls want anything besides coffee?
SOOKIE: Hey, what about Luke?
LUKE: What about him?
SOOKIE: He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn't Jess eat?
LUKE: What's she doing?
LORELAI: I think she's inviting you for dinner.
SOOKIE: Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like Peacock Pie?
LUKE: I'm a hundred percent sure I don't.
LORELAI: There'll be normal food too.
RORY: And decorations.
SOOKIE: And music.
LORELAI: Come on, it'll be fun.
LUKE: Well
LORELAI: Hey, you know what? Let's invite everyone.
SOOKIE: Everyone who?
LORELAI: Everyone everyone.
SOOKIE: Everyone everyone who?
LORELAI: Everyone we know, everyone we like.
RORY: And they could even stay in the inn. All those empty rooms, all those uneaten pillow mints.
LORELAI: An out of control, over the top slumber party!
SOOKIE: I love it!
RORY: Me too!
LORELAI: Done! Spread the word.
LUKE: I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai stares at him] Eight o'clock?
LORELAI: Seven.
LUKE: Right.
CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Dean walks out of the school, Lane walks over to him.]
LANE: Deano.
DEAN: Hey Lane. Are you going to this big shindig at the inn tonight?
LANE: Yeah, I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me.
DEAN: How's that coming along?
LANE: How's that Pixies reunion coming along?
DEAN: Well, I'll see you and your mom there.
LANE: Bye.
DEAN: Bye.
[Lane leaves. Dean sees Jess fighting with another kid and goes over to break it up.]
BOY: Keep it up pal, you'll get hurt.
DEAN: Whoa, hey guys! Guys, come on, break it up guys! Quit it! Hey, hold it man, get off me! [Dean tries to pull Jess away; Jess tries to punch him] Whoa, hey, get off me man, I'm not fighting you! Jess, knock it off man! What the hell is your problem?
JESS: Nothing.
DEAN: You saw it was me, Jess. Why'd you keep punching?
JESS: Had momentum.
DEAN: Well I was trying to help you.
JESS: I don't need you help, but thanks for offering.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits on the couch as Rory walks in with some drinks.]
LORELAI: Hey, did Bootsy RSVP?
RORY: Yeah, he's coming.
LORELAI: Thanks. Is he bringing anybody?
RORY: He's coming solo.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna put him in room 16 with Luke.
RORY: You can't do that.
LORELAI: Come on, let me have my fun.
RORY: Luke's coming with Jess.
LORELAI: Well, I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty.
RORY: There will be no Jess left in the morning.
LORELAI: You stink.
[Rory sits in the armchair and picks up a pile of cards]
RORY: Are these last year's cards or this year's?
LORELAI: This year's, of course.
RORY: Don't scoff. Last year's set were still sitting here 'til Halloween.
LORELAI: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: This is one ugly looking baby. Whose baby is this?
LORELAI: That's your second cousin's Stan's. Poor kid.
RORY: Ugh, he got Stan's everything.
LORELAI: That's not even the ugliest baby in the bunch.
RORY: You're kidding. [looks through the pile] Ouch!
LORELAI: That's the ugliest baby in the bunch.
RORY: I don't understand why people put pictures on cards.
LORELAI: Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers?
RORY: There's an unexplained innocence in the world. Hey, I didn't see this.
LORELAI: See what?
RORY: Dad.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: And the woman I'm assuming is Sherry.
LORELAI: Uh, did I not show you that? Huh.
RORY: They've got a cute little puppy and everything.
LORELAI: Oh, I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it. Well, there it is.
RORY: Nice looking lady.
LORELAI: Mm hmm. Like a young Tammy Faye Baker.
RORY: But prettier than that.
LORELAI: Oh, I didn't mean not pretty. Hey, question about the room list.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Room 31 - why is it empty?
RORY: Oh yeah, I wanted to run an idea by you.
LORELAI: Run it.
RORY: I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there.
LORELAI: Woody and Soon-Yi?
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa.
LORELAI: Ugh, you've got to be kidding.
RORY: But this could help to cheer him up.
LORELAI: I'll send him a Def Jam Comedy tape. That'll cheer him up.
RORY: It's a really good thing to do.
LORELAI: We'll donate money to charity, that's a good thing too. We'll stop kicking dogs.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: All right, I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no.
RORY: Yeah, but we're not gonna hope that they say no, right?
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: Right, because that would be really bad karma, especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies.
LORELAI: Uh, I have a new year's resolution for you: become more cynical and self absorbed.
RORY: I'll work on it.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[The night of the Bracebridge Dinner, Lorelai and Rory are in the lobby]
RORY: Hey, how's Sookie doing in there?
LORELAI: Ah, well, she's paper bagging it.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You know... [Lorelai breathes into a pretend paper bag]
RORY: Oh, so she's right on schedule.
[Babette and Morey walk into the inn.]
BABETTE: Hey dolls.
LORELAI: Hey!
RORY: Hi, welcome.
MOREY: Are we the first ones here?
LORELAI: Yes, you are.
BABETTE: Now don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere. He thinks it hurts his street credibility.
MOREY: Charlie Parker was late to everything.
BABETTE: Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid. Forget Charlie Parker.
RORY: You guys are in room 8. It's all ready for you.
BABETTE: Thanks, doll. C'mon Morey. We can be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better.
MOREY: A little.
BABETTE: Yeah.
[they walk away as Lane walks into the inn]
LANE: Hey!
RORY: Are you alone?
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: My wedding night's gonna be very interesting.
RORY: Hi Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in room 12.
MRS. KIM: Thank you. Hello Lorelai, thank you for inviting us.
LORELAI: Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in the rest of your stuff?
MRS. KIM: This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff. People have too much stuff.
LORELAI: You know you're right. People have too much stuff. Absolutely.
[Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away]
RORY: Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes.
LORELAI: Thus proving my point. What is Paris doing here?
RORY: She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She just couldn't wait.
LORELAI: A robot, she's a robot. Hi! [walks away]
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: So here are the materials in the double issue. Some of the articles are gonna need complete rewrites.
RORY: Drag.
PARIS: Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans.
RORY: Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric, and the fabric of society is weakened when students
PARIS: You can't get there.
RORY: Yeah, it doesn't look like it. I'll get right on this tomorrow.
PARIS: What about tonight?
RORY: I'm busy tonight.
PARIS: Doing what?
RORY: Well, this.
PARIS: Oh. What is this?
RORY: It's kind of a big dinner party.
PARIS: Oh. Okay, well, I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through, and oh - she uses the Prince version of writing. A letter U for you and a picture of an eye for an I.
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: Yeah.
RORY: Hey Paris, do you have anything going on tonight?
PARIS: What's that supposed to mean?
RORY: It's supposed to mean, do you have anything going on tonight?
PARIS: Well, my parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner and then I'll either get back to reading the Iliad or we'll play Monopoly. I crush her every time.
RORY: Well I was just thinking, maybe you want to stay for dinner?
PARIS: Here?
RORY: Yeah. We have a ton of food, and it's like a whole big show and everything, and if you're not doing anything
PARIS: Rereading the Iliad a third time is not not doing anything. I'm not pathetic.
RORY: I know you're not. I just thought it might be fun, that's all.
PARIS: Well, I'll have to make a call.
RORY: Good, make it.
PARIS: I just have to let Nanny know. [takes out cell phone and dials] Nanny? É Paris. Vou jantar com Rory hoje à noite. Eu telefono no caminho de casa. Tchau.
[Dean and Clara walk into the inn]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hello there. Hey Clara. Nice, is that a Stella McCartney?
CLARA: It's a Wal-Mart.
RORY: Well, it's very pretty.
CLARA: My mom bought it for tonight.
RORY: She's got good taste.
DEAN: [sees Jess walk in] I didn't know he was coming.
RORY: Who?
DEAN: Jess.
RORY: Yeah. Is that a problem?
DEAN: Not really.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: It's just that, he got into this fight with this guy at school, and when I broke it up he started in on me.
RORY: He hit you?
DEAN: He tried.
RORY: Why would he do that?
DEAN: Don't ask me to explain that jerk. [Jess waves] He better not do that all night.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: No! It tastes too twentieth century guys. It's gotta shout Washington Irving, not Irving my accountant. It needs something, help me. What is it?
CHEF: Uhh
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: How's it going? AGH!
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Ooh! Ew, Rune naked, naked Rune.
[Rune is changing his pants in the corner]
SOOKIE: Ahh!
RUNE: These stupid pants won't go past my thighs.
LORELAI: Why are you dressing in here?
RUNE: The bathrooms are full and the lousy madrigal singers are bull guarding the supply closet so this is the only place.
SOOKIE: They're too small.
RUNE: My thighs are too big.
LORELAI: Ahh! Rune, yes, but in lieu of coming up with something that would immediately reduce the size of your thighs, why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants?
SOOKIE: And a different place to dress.
LORELAI: Definitely.
RUNE: Well, can you get me the supply closet?
LORELAI: We'll take it by force if we have to. Go. Ah. [Rune leaves] Is everything under control?
SOOKIE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ye...no. This needs something and I cannot think of what it is. It's that tart, kind of spicy, white. . .salt! The word is salt!
LORELAI: You forgot the word for salt?
SOOKIE: Everything's under control.
LORELAI: Good.
SOOKIE: Absolutely, one hundred percent.
LORELAI: You're exuding confidence. Have the oxygen ready.
SOOKIE: Okay, easy. It's a bird, it's a bird.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Lorelai walks into the lobby as Emily and Richard arrive]
LORELAI: They're here.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: The Joy-less Luck Club.
RICHARD: Hello girls. You look particularly lovely tonight.
RORY: Thanks Grandpa.
LORELAI: Thanks Dad. You guys look nice yourselves.
EMILY: Seems like the occasion called for it.
RICHARD: The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful.
LORELAI: Hey Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle earlier today, did you?
RICHARD: What?
RORY: Nothing.
EMILY: I think she was making one of her funny jokes.
RICHARD: Oh, went straight over my head.
LORELAI: Let me get someone to help you with your bags.
RICHARD: No, no, I've got them. Just point me to the room.
RORY: You guys are in room 31, best room in the place.
RICHARD: Oh, anything's fine. I'll, uh, see you in a bit. [walks away]
LORELAI: What got into him?
RORY: He's totally different.
EMILY: I know. He's been that way for two days. I have no idea why but I'm taking the credit.
LORELAI: Ugh, a hostess' job is never done. Hi.
CUT TO LOBBY
[All the guests are mingling in the lobby.]
LORELAI: Hey everybody, will you gather round? Everyone, everyone! First of all, I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.
SOOKIE: I'm fine, everything's fine.
LORELAI: I also want to thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago so I can throw this great party for all my friends instead. It's a very special night. And so, since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food with my friends everyday, I have arranged a little surprise. Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse drawn sleighs and everybody gets a ride. So, uh, line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh and no cutting in front of each other - that goes for everyone. Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss a ride in a horse drawn sleigh. Come on.
LUKE: You gonna go?
JESS: I think I'll wait for the clog dancing.
DEAN: Hey, hey, don't move.
CLARA: But we're gonna miss all the good horses!
RORY: Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention?
CLARA: Come on!
DEAN: Uh, I guess I'm spoken for.
RORY: I'll see you back here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai is sitting in one of the sleighs as Luke and Bootsy stand near the horses]
BOOTSY: You see the horses?
LUKE: You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah, I saw 'em.
BOOTSY: I spent a summer training horses in Montana.
LUKE: You get kicked in the head a lot?
BOOTSY: Just the once.
LORELAI: Hey, you in the belt - get in.
LUKE: What? Oh, no, I was just sort of checking things out.
LORELAI: Come on. We can pull a Ben Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh.
LUKE: I don't know, I...
LORELAI: Aww, come on Luke. I can't be all school marm-y and ride by myself. Please?
LUKE: Well, okay. [gets in the sleigh]
LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle!
LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
LUKE: I gotta say, sleigh ride's a little much, but these horses are really beautiful.
LORELAI: Yes, especially from this angle.
LUKE: Not just from this angle.
LORELAI: Oh seriously, don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there.
LUKE: It's not what I'm saying.
LORELAI: Nice firm hiney.
LUKE: Stop talking about the horse's hiney.
LORELAI: God, the town looks beautiful.
LUKE: Same as always.
LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical.
LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week.
LORELAI: You disappoint me.
LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on.
LORELAI: How's it going with you guys?
LUKE: Me and Jess? Great.
LORELAI: Great? Really?
LUKE: Really.
LORELAI: Well, good.
LUKE: It is good. I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know, but I've learned a lot these past couple months.
LORELAI: Like?
LUKE: Like last week I discovered the secret of parenting.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: The secret of parenting?
LUKE: The secret of parenting.
LORELAI: When last week? Last Tuesday?
LUKE: I don't know the exact day.
LORELAI: Tuesday at 5:15, is that when you discovered the secret of parenting?
LUKE: Don't mock.
LORELAI: Well, tell me. What is. . . oh wait, it's a secret, you can't tell me.
LUKE: No, I'll tell you. You visualize the reality you want.
LORELAI: You visualize the reality you want.
LUKE: And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about.
LORELAI: That is so much worse than I was expecting.
LUKE: You never lied to your kid?
LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove.
LUKE: Yes, exactly. You told a little white lie for your kid's protection, very similar to what I've done.
LORELAI: Which was?
LUKE: Well, you know the winter break is coming up?
LORELAI: Yes I do.
LUKE: Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called.
LORELAI: Ugh, it makes me sick
LUKE: So I decided just to keep Jess with me, and I told him that his mom wanted him to come home but I thought since he just got there and was still adjusting that I thought he should stay, and his mom was really upset but I insisted. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Saved him a lot of hurt.
LORELAI: He didn't buy it.
LUKE: What? Of course he did.
LORELAI: He knows.
[cut to Richard and Emily's sleigh]
EMILY: I wish Lorelai had warned us about this.
RICHARD: What? This is wonderful..
EMILY: It's wreaking havoc with my hair.
RICHARD: Oh this is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing.
EMILY: What other thing? [Richard tousles her hair] Richard, stop it! Stop it! Suddenly you're two years old.
RICHARD: Oh, I'm just having fun.
EMILY: I'm not complaining.
RICHARD: This is fun too. This is like a roller coaster.
EMILY: A little.
RICHARD: Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster?
EMILY: Never.
RICHARD: Didn't we ever go to Coney Island?
EMILY: That must've been your other wife.
RICHARD: Gosh, I used to love it when I was a kid. They were a lot faster then too.
EMILY: And less safe.
RICHARD: We should go on one.
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: A fast one.
EMILY: Fine. You go and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you.
RICHARD: You are going.
EMILY: It would take a whole day.
RICHARD: You are going.
EMILY: I'd be scared.
RICHARD: I'll hold your hand.
EMILY: Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster.
RICHARD: Good.
EMILY: Now where is this roller coaster we're going on?
RICHARD: I'm not sure. I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us.
[cut to Rory getting in a sleigh]
DRIVER: That it miss?
RORY: I guess I'm alone.
[The sleigh starts going. Jess jumps into the seat next to Rory]
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Well, I heard it was two to a sleigh - no more, no less. You were breaking the rules.
RORY: You could've hurt yourself.
JESS: I live on the edge. I can jump out if you want.
RORY: Doesn't matter to me.
JESS: Are you mad at me or something?
RORY: What do you think?
JESS: I can't read your mind.
RORY: You got into a fight with Dean.
JESS: Dean?
RORY: My boyfriend.
JESS: Ah. He's still your boyfriend?
RORY: Okay, you can jump out now.
JESS: I wasn't fighting him. I was fighting someone else. He jumped in on his own.
RORY: He was trying to help you.
JESS: Oh, he should go into government service if he's so interested in helping people. But me, he can stop worrying about.
RORY: Why were you fighting in the first place?
JESS: 'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk.
RORY: You were fighting Chuck Presby?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: Oh, he is a jerk.
JESS: This whole town is weird and full of jerks.
RORY: Then why are you still here?
JESS: What do you mean?
RORY: I mean, school's out and you don't like it here, so why don't you just go home?
JESS: My mom didn't want me to.
RORY: I don't believe that.
JESS: That's your right, I guess.
RORY: Did Luke say she didn't want you to?
JESS: Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay. It wasn't his idea. That's good.
RORY: What?
JESS: Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually.
RORY: You know which one is ours?
JESS: It definitely has the most personality. Kind of looks like Bjork.
RORY: That's what we were going for.
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: But everyone thinks the one on the end is gonna be the winner.
JESS: Really? It's so overdone.
RORY: I agree.
JESS: You should win.
RORY: No argument.
JESS: Hey, what do you and Dean talk about?
RORY: What?
JESS: I mean, does he know Bjork?
RORY: I've played him some stuff.
JESS: Hm. So you got a teacher-student thing going?
RORY: Stop.
JESS: No, really, I'm curious. What do you guys talk about?
RORY: Everything.
JESS: Like?
RORY: Just everything, tons of stuff, whatever.
JESS: It's just in the brief non-pugilistic time I've spent with him in class, he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy.
RORY: Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy.
JESS: Okay. I guess I don't know him that well.
RORY: You don't. You don't.
CUT TO INN DINING ROOM
[All of the guests are seated at a long table. Lorelai stands at the head of the table with a camera.]
LORELAI: Quiet please, everybody. Before the, uh, button popping and the bloating can commence, say cheese.
EVERYONE: Cheese!
LORELAI: Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, damen und herren, um, the moment you've been waiting for, I give you the Bracebridge Dinner.
SOOKIE: Whoa, whoa, hold it. We just need a quick minute, please.
LORELAI: Which will be starting in one quick minute.
BOOTSY: You ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute because it's always sixty seconds.
LUKE: Shut up.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai darling, who is the silver fox with the tight kneesocks?
LORELAI: Oh, that's Claude. He's one of our regular servers, divorced and on the market.
MISS PATTY: Oh, well the uniform is interesting.
LORELAI: All right. I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room.
MISS PATTY: What? Oh, you joke? Was that a joke?
RICHARD: Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud.
LORELAI: Thanks Dad.
EMILY: Your dress needs pressing.
LORELAI: Thanks Mom.
[Lorelai sits down next to Rory]
LORELAI: Your pod Grandpa is still happy as a clam.
RORY: See, I told you this would be good for him.
LORELAI: When you're right, you're right.
RUNE: Welcome Lords and Ladies. I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings. [horns play] Hey Chuck Mangione, you wanna back up a step?
LORELAI: And we're off.
RUNE: And now, fair people, I present my Lord and Master, the honorable Squire Bracebridge.
[Jackson enters the room dressed as the Squire]
JACKSON: Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast. Let every man be jolly.
JESS: We should've eaten before we came.
LUKE: Shh! And yeah.
JACKSON: Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure. Mmm, methinks it be a butternut squash soup.
RUNE: Ah, methinks you're right Squire Bracebridge, thus and verily.
JACKSON: And verily thus.
LORELAI: They're the Old England Abbot and Costello.
JACKSON: 'Tis perfection, but extremely hot.
RUNE: My Lord, do you need aid? Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue?
JACKSON: Ah nay, Rune, nay. To the guests thou shall serve the soup!
JESS: What's the white stuff?
LUKE: I think it's cheese - or cream.
JESS: And the green stuff?
LUKE: I think it's best picked off.
MRS. KIM: No one says grace?
LANE: I think they all do Mama, uh, silently.
MRS. KIM: Did you say silent grace?
BABETTE: [laughs] Good one!
[Mrs. Kim stares at her. Babette quickly bows her head and nudges for Morey to do the same. Cut to Kirk serving soup to Lorelai and Rory]
KIRK: Soup for mi'ladies?
RORY: Why thank you, kind sir.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk, nice blouse.
RORY: Don't let her make fun of you Kirk. You look great.
KIRK: Soup with garlands, gay and rosemary.
LORELAI: You're gonna stay in character no matter what, huh?
KIRK: 'Tis hot, so proceed daintily.
LORELAI: Hey, did you ever see that I Love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was a funny one.
KIRK: 'Tis foreign to me good lady.
RORY: Hang in there, Kirk.
LORELAI: Those ones where she was in Europe, hands down, those were the best!
KIRK: No way, the Hollywood ones!
LORELAI: Ha!
KIRK: Damn!
RORY: I was rooting for you boy.
[Cut to later that evening]
RUNE: My Lord, shall dessert be served?
JACKSON: Anon, humble servant.
CLARA: Can I eat my dessert with the horses?
DEAN: Sure, uh, but put your coat on.
CLARA: Are you okay?
BOOTSY: I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had.
CLARA: Seven.
LORELAI: Hey Paris, how's it going?
PARIS: Fine, good, thanks for having me.
LORELAI: Oh, it was our pleasure.
PARIS: Did you notice the anachronisms?
LORELAI: The what?
PARIS: The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant. I mean, forget that the nineteenth century didn't include recessed lighting or the Fossil watch that your server was wearing, but water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice.
LORELAI: Right.
PARIS: And your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts, and nylon was invented by a scientist at Dupont in the 1920's. It shattered the illusion.
LORELAI: Floggings will be administered.
RICHARD: So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night, and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge when we come across this group of kids blasting this song by that. . .oh, that awful woman. Who is she? The tall bony one, married to the deceased mustachioed congressman.
RORY: Cher?
EMILY: That's the one!
LORELAI: The year of 'Do you believe in life after love?'
RORY: A difficult time for all of us.
MICHEL: I like that song.
RICHARD: Well, I was appalled. Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history. Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do?
EMILY: I have tried so hard to forget this.
RICHARD: I stood beside them and their boombox and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could. [starts humming]
LORELAI: A bizarro Battle of the Bands.
TAYLOR: And did it work?
RICHARD: Well, they quickly packed up and went their way.
EMILY: But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop.
RICHARD: Well, at that point I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet.
EMILY: And two of them did.
RICHARD: And I kept it!
TAYLOR: You know, this might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had with an insurance man.
RICHARD: Aww, I'm hurt.
TAYLOR: I'm sorry Richard. What I meant was that
RICHARD: No, what you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones. Well I agree. They are a dull, dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them.
LORELAI: Rid of them?
TAYLOR: Oh, are you retired Richard?
RICHARD: Well, uh
EMILY: Of course he's not. Richard? Richard?
RICHARD: Actually, I am.
CUT TO BEDROOM
[Later that evening, Lorelai and Rory are in their room at the inn getting ready for bed.]
LORELAI: Ah, it's always nice to end a big festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room.
RORY: Most people didn't notice anything.
LORELAI: I guess. Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons drew people's attention away.
RORY: Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other the rest of the night?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why didn't he tell anyone?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives?
RORY: My mistake. So which bed do you want?
LORELAI: Take the one by the window.
RORY: Okay. [pulls back blanket] Mom!
LORELAI: What honey?
RORY: You put the picture of the ugly baby in my bed?
LORELAI: I didn't, I swear. That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away!
RORY: Poor baby, it's not his fault.
LORELAI: I think it's a she.
RORY: Poor baby, you picked the wrong parents. Hey, have you heard from Dad recently?
LORELAI: What dad - your dad?
RORY: Yeah, my dad.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year and he hasn't checked in yet. I mean, I know he's probably busy with Sherry and the new apartment and...what?
LORELAI: There may have been a call.
RORY: There may have been? You don't remember?
LORELAI: Well things have been so hectic, you know, with the Bracebridge Dinner, and um, building a snowwoman, and planning the ugly baby gag, that took time.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Yes, he called! He called, he called, he called and invited you, and it's not too late to go. He called and invited you, so there you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there.
RORY: He invited me over?
LORELAI: Yes, are you deaf?
RORY: No, I'm just trying to separate the gist from the ubububububah.
LORELAI: Well, the gist is he invited you, okay?
RORY: Why didn't he invite me himself?
LORELAI: Because he's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first.
RORY: Was he maybe not pretending to be considerate, and actually being considerate?
LORELAI: Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate. The guy doesn't have the greatest track record.
RORY: Why didn't you tell me this? He's probably waiting for my answer, and holding off making plans.
LORELAI: Because I have dibs on this time of year with you, not him! Me! And yes, he acknowledged that, and that was cool and all, but still - it stinks! Because he put me in a very difficult position because we were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather 3, and the thing that I really, really hate about this is is the idea of you not hanging out with me because you're hanging out there with your stupid stepmother.
RORY: You're calling Sherry my stepmother?
LORELAI: Well, she practically is.
RORY: You're wigging.
LORELAI: There is something wrong with that woman.
RORY: You don't even know her.
LORELAI: You think I'm overreacting?
RORY: I think you're jealous of Sherry.
LORELAI: Ha, I'm not jealous of Sherry.
RORY: But I understand - your territory has been threatened.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RORY: But relax, there are ways to work through situations like this - compromises can be struck.
LORELAI: Oh, what are you saying?
RORY: Well, you know, I can still call you Mom, and I'll call her Mommy Sherry.
LORELAI: Don't be mean.
RORY: And we can split up holidays evenly. Like, I'll be with you on Labor Day
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: her on Memorial Day.
LORELAI: Enough.
RORY: I'll have to find out about her religion though to see how Chanukah will factor into this, unless you want to convert to Judaism and then take over Chanukah for yourself.
LORELAI: I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop.
RORY: You totally overreacted. God.
LORELAI: So do you think you're gonna go and stay with them?
RORY: I'll have to think about it.
LORELAI: Do you have to think about it because you know that it's killing me not to know whether you're going or not and you want to torture me like that?
RORY: Nope, I just don't know if I want to do it.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: It was nice of him to ask though.
LORELAI: It was very nice.
RORY: 'Cause we are rooting for Dad.
LORELAI: We are rooting for him. It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered. I was being a little possessive.
RORY: And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know if she's good enough for him.
RORY: Me too.
LORELAI: So there was an altruistic streak to my madness.
RORY: We'll go with that.
[there's a knock at the door. Lorelai answers, Emily is there.]
EMILY: I need a new room.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: I can't stay in that room.
LORELAI: There are no other rooms, Mom.
EMILY: Well, then I'll go home.
RORY: Grandma, it's late.
LORELAI: And pitch black, and the roads are icy. You can't be driving.
EMILY: Well, I'm not going back to that room.
LORELAI: I'm guessing you and Dad had it out about the job thing?
EMILY: We haven't even spoken since dinner. I'm so upset, I wouldn't know where to begin. And I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable. Not letting me know he left his job - as if it didn't affect me?
LORELAI: Aw mom, try to calm down. Here, take this bed, and Rory and I will share.
EMILY: I'm just a burden.
LORELAI: You're not a burden, Mom.
EMILY: Well, okay, thank you. Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second?
LORELAI: Yes, I'll use the one out here.
[Rory watches as Lorelai and Emily both apply cream to their face]
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Behold my future.
EMILY: How do you turn out the light?
LORELAI: I'll get it.
EMILY: I still can't believe it.
LORELAI: Try to relax Mom.
EMILY: I hope he doesn't sleep because I surely won't.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom.
EMILY: These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all. They're too big.
LORELAI: Goodnight.
EMILY: It was so irresponsible.
LORELAI: Maybe he had no choice.
EMILY: Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep Lorelai.
LORELAI: That job was killing him, Mom. It was killing him.
EMILY: I'm going for a little walk.
RORY: Grandma, it's late.
EMILY: I'm not tired.
LORELAI: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Emily walks in and finds Richard sitting on the sofa]
EMILY: I didn't know you were here.
RICHARD: Emily, don't go.
EMILY: I'm very tired.
RICHARD: I want to talk to you, please. I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work, and my frustration just built to the point where again, you know this. So, I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation and about the rumors I'd heard floating around. So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee, then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become. I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done, all the weekends I put in, the sacrifices I'd made, including time with my family, for the firm. And the more I talked, the angrier I became, and then suddenly I heard myself resign, just like that. Floyd was stunned. I'd never seen Floyd stunned. I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned. So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office, and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd resigned, quit. I believe I even used a little profanity in the process. But you know what Emily? I was thrilled, elated, a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me, and I realized it was because I was smiling. Well, nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time. I was. . .I was happy.
EMILY: And you chose not to tell me? Your own wife.
RICHARD: Oh Emily, I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months, what with how isolated I've become and all the social engagements I've made you cancel, and all the friendships I've jeopardized. And you like order, you like lists, you like to know where you're going or what's coming. You like all things planned. And then suddenly I impulsively unplan our entire future in one fail swoop. Well, I couldn't face disappointing you again. I couldn't face telling you that I'd spoiled the plan. Not now, not at this time of year. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to keep being happy. I'm very, very sorry. Anyhow, um, I've been sitting here going over our financial situation. Now, um, we still have all of our retirement accounts, and our medical coverage is all there, By quitting though, we do forgo some of my pension and some stock options. Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same.
EMILY: Richard, let's just go to bed.
CUT TO LOBBY
[The next morning, the guests are leaving]
RORY: See ya Bootsy.
BOOTSY: See ya, thanks. By the way, last night did I sing Hotel California?
RORY: From beginning to end.
LORELAI: While banging spoons on your head.
BOOTSY: Well that explains the lumps.
LORELAI: Bye.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai, darling, oh thank you for everything.
LORELAI: Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there. Want me to do some matchmaking?
MISS PATTY: Aww, he's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers.
LORELAI: So it was the uniform, huh?
MISS PATTY: Aw, it's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again.
LORELAI: See ya.
MISS PATTY: Bye.
LORELAI: Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
EMILY: Could you be any cruder?
LORELAI: Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la
RORY: Thanks for coming! It was fun. Is everything okay?
RICHARD: Everything's okay.
EMILY: We'll see you next Friday.
LORELAI: Bye. Bye Dad.
RICHARD: Bye Lorelai.
SOOKIE: You just had one grub too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate.
JACKSON: I will.
LORELAI: Jackson, thank you for being our Squire.
JACKSON: Oh, you're welcome. Hey, uh, by the way, last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California and banging spoons on his head, did I
LORELAI: Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes you did.
JACKSON: Oh boy.
RORY: You kept a good beat.
SOOKIE: Yeah, 'cause God knows if the beat was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself.
CLARA: Thanks Rory.
RORY: Clara, I'm glad you came.
DEAN: So I'll see you later.
CLARA: Don't kiss.
DEAN: Aw, come on.
CLARA: Don't kiss.
[Dean covers Clara's eyes while he kisses Rory]
CLARA: Come on.
DEAN: So I guess we're off.
RORY: I guess so.
[Dean walks away, then glances back and sees Rory and Jess smiling at each other]
LORELAI: Bye you guys. Ugh, let's go home.
RORY: Are we coming to get our bags later?
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because we're walking home. I don't want to carry 'em.
LORELAI: Who says we're walking?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory ride home in a horse-drawn sleigh.]
LORELAI: This is the only way to ride.
RORY: I wholeheartedly agree.
[Lorelai sees that the elaborate overdone snowman has been smashed]
LORELAI: Whoa, what happened there?
RORY: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Bad news for ringer guy. But guess who wins by default?
RORY: I guess that would be us.


[ INT. TARDIS ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Clara and the Doctor come bursting through the TARDIS door, laughing and joking with each other. A bright light is behind them. )
Clara: I told you it'd work!
The Doctor: It very nearly ate you for dinner.
Clara: Oh, admit it. I totally saved your life.
The Doctor: It wasn't going to eat me.
Clara: ( laughs ) I totally saved you from having to marry that giant sentient plant thing. That bit where I jumped over the side? That was amazing! Hah! I knew you were impressed!
The Doctor: The second most beautiful garden in all of time and space, and we can never come back here because you, Miss Oswald, decided...
( The TARDIS phone rings )
Clara: Hello?
Rigsy (O.C.): Clara? Finally. It's Rigsy.
Clara: Oh. Rigsy. Hey. What's wrong?
Rigsy: So I have this, er... It kind of looks like a tattoo.
Clara (O.C.): Seriously? I gave you this number for emergencies.
Rigsy: It's an emergency, trust me. Just...
Rigsy (O.C.): Come and take a look at it. Please.
The Doctor: Who said you could give out my number?
Clara: Look, look, no matter how bad it is, we cannot take you back down your timeline just to fix a tattoo.
Rigsy: That's just it. I didn't get a tattoo. And it's... It's counting down.
Clara: Sorry, what?
( Rigsy holds up a mirror and we see the number 538 on the back of his neck. )
Rigsy: The tattoo - it's a number and it's counting down to zero.
Clara: Hang tight. We'll be right there.
Rigsy: Hurry. Please.
( We see the number closer and it changes to 537 )
VWORP! VWORP!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Rigsy's apartment - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( From outside the building, we see a flashing light in one of the windows and we hear the sound of the TARDIS materializing. Inside, we see a baby in a pink cot. )
The Doctor: Did you make this human?
Rigsy: Lucy? Yeah, she's mine.
Clara: Hello. Oh, Rigsy, she's gorgeous.
The Doctor: She's better than that. She's brilliant. ( The Doctor stands up and raises his voice. ) What are you doing running round getting tattoos when there's...
Clara: Shh!
Rigsy: Look, I didn't "get" anything. I woke up this morning and it was just there. Jen noticed it.
The Doctor: OK, show me this tattoo you didn't get, then. It's a tattoo. It's very boring.
Rigsy: No, wait. Just keep watching.
( The Doctor picks up a book and leafs through it. )
Clara: What were you doing last night?
Rigsy: That's just it - yesterday was a total blank. Jen said I left the house before dawn, I missed work, and I didn't get back till after midnight. No-one saw me all day.
( We see the number change to 532. )
The Doctor: Oh, that's not boring. That is very not boring.
( The Doctor puts on his glasses and they chirp and hum. )
Clara: What? What is it?
The Doctor: OK, Local Knowledge, you're coming with us. Bring the new human. ( The Doctor enters the TARDIS, then steps back out again. ) No! Don't bring the new human. I'll just get distracted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. TARDIS ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( We hear some tones and a beam of light moves down Rigsy's body. )
The Doctor: If you want your extremities to stay attached, stand absolutely still. If not, we can provide a small bag, you can take them home at the end.
Clara: ( looking at a monitor ) Rigsy, your phone. It's like they've wiped it, but only the last day. No location data, no texts, nothing. You're sure the screen wasn't cracked before yesterday?
Rigsy: Mm-hm.
The Doctor: Oh, right, OK, here we go. ( looking at the scan results on a monitor ) Ah... Good. Weird. Good and weird.
Rigsy: Can I...?
The Doctor: Oh, yes, yes. Of course. ( snaps his fingers ) First off... in the last 24 hours, you've had significant contact with alien life-forms, right here in the centre of London.
Rigsy: OK, so why don't I remember anything?
The Doctor: You've been retconned.
Rigsy: Huh?
Clara: What-conned?
The Doctor: Amnesia drug. Your pre-frontal cortex is marinating in it. Oh, there's something else! Something... Er... not good. Weird.
( The Doctor moves over towards Clara, while picking up some white cards from the console. He begins looking through them in front of Clara. )
Rigsy: What's he doing?
Clara: He's making an effort to be nice.
The Doctor: ( hushed ) There is no nice way to say you're about to die.
Rigsy: What?!
The Doctor: Rigsy...
Rigsy: No, no, no, no, don't start using my actual name now! Call me Pudding Brain, call me Local Knowledge, whatever. Just don't call me Rigsy. You're going to save me. You're a doctor. That's what you do.
The Doctor: OK. OK... Yes, OK, let's do this thing. First up, stop the countdown. 526 minutes, right! OK. Yes, you know what, Local Knowledge, I don't know who did this to you or why. But I do almost certainly know... how to find them.
( The Doctor pushes some buttons and pulls a lever. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Library - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( The TARDIS materializes on the pavement beside a stone building. The Doctor, followed by Clara and then Rigsy exit the TARDIS and walk away from us. Cut to: looking down a long, wide corridor with high vaulted ceiling. The three walk towards us. )
The Doctor: There have always been rumours. Stories passed from traveller to traveller, mutterings about hidden streets, secret pockets of alien life right here on Earth. Like a smuggler's cove, only not a cove, because it's right here. Right in the middle of the capital.
Rigsy: The hidden places are in the Great British Library?
The Doctor: No. The maps are. ( The Doctor indicates a room with "Map Room" on the door and they enter. ) I never put stock in it. London streets that suddenly disappeared from human view? No. ( The Doctor unrolls a bundle of maps on a desk. ) You lot are always overlooking things, but whole streets? That would be excessive, even for you. If the stories are true, though, there should be a street on one of these old maps that no longer exists in the real world.
Clara: Like a trap street, only not.
The Doctor: What did you say?
Clara: A trap street. You know, when someone's making a map, a, um... cartographer, uses a fake street, throws it into the mix, names it after one of his kids or whatever. Then if the fake street, the trap street, ever shows up on someone else's map, they know their work's been stolen. Clever, right?
The Doctor: My God. A whole London street just up and disappeared and you lot assume it's a copyright infringement.
Rigsy: So we're looking for a trap street?
The Doctor: We're looking for a trap street and we're not going to find it here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. TARDIS ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: The glasses are tracking your eye movements. Just keep looking straight down and...
Clara: I know! Focus on the buildings directly below me.
The Doctor: Whatever they're using, it only hides the street itself. It prevents you from noticing there's even something missing. They're somehow making our eyes skate right over it. Let's call it a misdirection circuit.
( Rumbling )
Rigsy: Clara!
( She whoops and laughs )
( She whoops )
Clara: Hello, London!
( She laughs )
Clara: I'm good. I'm good.
Rigsy: She enjoyed that...way too much.
The Doctor: Tell me about it. It's an ongoing problem. Here. Keep it steady. Just move it slowly over the grid. When we're done, we'll have a map of the areas of the grid that Clara couldn't focus on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Pedestrian Precinct - London - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: So, these are the bits my eyes skated over.
The Doctor: OK, we split up. Clara, that way. Local Knowledge... Forget the way you usually look at the world. This street's going to be hiding in plain sight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. London Street - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: 22, 23...
The Doctor (O.C.): If you see something unusual or notable, dismiss it. Just keep walking. But if there's a bit of London so unremarkable that you don't even think about it... stop. You could very well be standing right outside a trap street. Count everything that you see.
Clara: Four, five, six...
The Doctor (O.C.): Because when you hit the area around a trap street, it's very likely you'll lose count.
The Doctor: 79... 80... 81... 82.
Young boy: Huh?
The Doctor: Remember - 82.
Boy's Mum: Come along!
Young boy: 82!
The Doctor (O.C.): You'll lose count because the misdirection circuit is creating confusion in your mind. Details won't add up. Reality will have glitches in it. Like when you try to read the same simple sentence three times over...
Clara: One, two, three...
The Doctor (O.C.): ..and the meaning just won't sink in.
Clara: Got ya.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. London Street Corner - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Clara! Clara!
Rigsy: Clara!
Clara: It's off this street, I am certain.
The Doctor: We're very close.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. TARDIS ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor (O.C.): We need to distract our other senses. Clara, go back to the TARDIS. Pick up all my most annoying stuff.
( Phone beeps )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. London Street - Day ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: What happened to the stuff I asked you to bring?
Clara: Someone called you. Yesterday, 6am. Blocked number.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Flashback ]
Man: She's dead.
[ End Flashback ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: What is it? What are you remembering?
Clara: Rigsy, what is it?
Rigsy: You can't see it? There!
Clara: I see it. You?
The Doctor: 50 minutes left. Hoodie up, Local Knowledge. They know what you look like in there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. London Alley / Courtyard ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rigsy: How come I saw it when you guys couldn't?
The Doctor: You were upset, weren't you? Something slipped through the retcon memory, something that took over your whole mind, something juicy. So the misdirection circuit lost its power over you.
Clara: Surely people wander in here all the time, then, distracted, on their phones or whatever?
The Doctor: Perhaps they do...
( Alarm rings )
( He growls )
Man: Three at once. That's new.
Rump: Hang about. ( sniffs ) This one don't smell human.
Kabel: Name, species and case for asylum. Quick as you like.
The Doctor: Asylum?
Kabel: The reason you're here. The reason you need sanctuary. Why didn't they use the protocol?
Rigsy: I saw through the circuit again. I saw them. They're definitely not human.
Rump: You do know this is a refugee camp?
The Doctor: Yeah, of course.
Ashildr: Of course he does! Now that you've told him.
Rump: Mayor Me.
Clara: Ashildr!
Ashildr: Ashildr?
The Doctor: That's your name. I keep telling you that.
Ashildr: Do you? Infinite lifespan, finite memory - it makes for an awkward social life. You must be Clara Oswald. You're as beautiful as your photos.
Clara: We met.
Ashildr: Yes, I know. It's in my diaries. Oh, don't look like that! I enjoyed our conversations. I've read them many times.
Clara: OK, that's...slightly odd. But nice. Um, hang on, so this is where you've been. That's why he lost track of you. Oh, come on, please. It's really cute, he thinks I don't know. He's got this whole secret room in the TARDIS where he collects mentions of you.
Ashildr: It's not cute. It's surveillance.
The Doctor: It's professional interest.
Ashildr: Precautionary measure.
The Doctor: Still saving the world from me, then?
Ashildr: It's still here, isn't it?
Clara: He lost track of you in the early 1800s. I wondered if you were...
Ashildr: Oh, no. I let him know I was OK.
The Doctor: I saw you.
Ashildr: No. I got your attention.
The Doctor: Yes, you did, and you have. Now we need your help. Someone in this place is in control of a Quantum Shade.
Rump: ( snarls ) I knew I recognised that smell.
Ashildr: Oh.
Clara: Ashildr? What's going on?
The Doctor: You.
Ashildr: How do you know this man?
Clara: Hang on. You did this to Rigsy?
The Doctor: What have you done?
Ashildr: This man committed a crime. I sentenced him.
Clara: Sentenced him?
Ashildr: I also gave him enough time to return home and say goodbye to his family.
The Doctor: You flooded his brain with retcon! Till we showed up, he didn't even know he had to say goodbye.
Ashildr: I'm afraid no intruder leaves this place without a memory wipe. With respect, that will include you.
Clara: Oh, the hell it will!
The Doctor: Ashildr, given we're all going to forget this conversation anyway, perhaps you could tell us what happened here yesterday to necessitate a death sentence?
Ashildr: Fine, I'll show you. Mr Kabel, Mr Rump. Permit them entry.
The Doctor: No! You've already endangered one of my friends. I want your personal guarantee you will not endanger another.
Clara: Shut up, I can handle myself.
Ashildr: I guarantee the safety of Clara Oswald. She will be under my personal protection. That is absolute.
Kabel: If that's your wish, Mayor Me.
Ashildr: This way.
Rump: Murderer.
Clara: What did you say?
Rigsy: Murderer. He called me a murderer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Alley ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: So you're still calling yourself Me, then?
Ashildr: Me?
The Doctor: Mayor Me.
Ashildr: Mayor is a title. I give myself a title for the same reason you do, Doctor - something to live up to.
The Doctor: Difficult, isn't it? How long have you been here?
Ashildr: Since Waterloo.
The Doctor: The battle?
Ashildr: No, the station. Really, Doctor. Tread carefully while you're here. Some of your greatest enemies are within a few feet of you. As far as you're concerned, this is the most dangerous street in London.
Clara: Fascinating. Now, can we skip to the part where you want Rigsy dead for some reason?
Woman: It's him! He's back!
Ashildr: It's best we get him inside first.
Man (O.C.): Murderer. You're not welcome here.
Rigsy: They look at me as if they want to kill me themselves.
Man (O.C.): Don't want your kind round here.
Man (O.C.): Murderer!
( Hissing )
Ashildr: Like I said, it's best we get inside.
Woman (O.C.): Filthy murderer!
Rigsy: Wait, Clara. Look.
The Doctor: This misdirection circuit of yours is remarkable. The cloaking device that hides the street, makes everyone look like humans.
Ashildr: It's no device. It's the Lurkworms. Quite something, aren't they? The light is a telepathic field. It normalises everything you see, places it within the compass of your expectations, your experiences. You can bypass them, of course.
The Doctor: Aiyaah!
Ashildr: Don't worry. We're perfectly safe.
The Doctor: Yes, a phrase I find is usually followed by a lot of screaming and running and bleeding.
Ashildr: I brokered a truce. We have strict rules against violence here. Rules every creature must abide by if they wish to remain on the street.
Man (O.C.): Get away from us! Don't want your kind round here.
Ashildr: What's better, that they're in here with me, peaceful and cooperative, or out there on Earth like the Zygons? We haven't had an act of violence on this street for 100 years, until yesterday, when your friend here attacked one of our most vulnerable residents.
Clara: How did Rigsy even get in? I mean, we barely managed it...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. House - Entrance Hall ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: .. and we knew what we were looking for...
Ashildr: She was found at the entrance of the street. No weapon on the scene, but the cause of death is likely the head wound. Seems she was knocked to the cobblestones.
Clara: "Seems"? You've sentenced Rigsy to death yet you don't know exactly what's going on?
Ashildr: He was found over the body. My people were angry, frightened. I had to act.
Clara: This is ridiculous, this is...
The Doctor: What was her name?
Ashildr: Anah. We're keeping her here until someone can take her home for burial.
The Doctor: She's a Janus!
Ashildr: She escaped slavery. She fled here with her child.
The Doctor: The child. A daughter?
Ashildr: No. A boy.
Clara: Is that bad?
The Doctor: No, it's not bad, it's just unhelpful. A daughter might've seen who killed her mother. The female Janus is psychic. One face sees into the future, the other looks behind her, into the past.
Clara: I think we saw her son outside.
Rigsy: Clara, what if I did do it? I mean, I wouldn't have meant to hurt her, but... What if I wandered in and saw what she really looked like? What if I freaked?
The Doctor: You didn't just wander in here. You were called here at 6am by a number from a mystery phone.
Clara: There is no way you did this.
Ashildr: So, what then? You think someone called him here? Set him up?
Clara: Yes!
Chronolock Guy(O.C. outside): Mayor!
Clara: Obviously! Which means one of your pet aliens out there is the real killer.
( Banging on door )
Chronolock Guy(O.C.): I just need to talk to her.
Ashildr: Excuse me. I'm sorry.
The Doctor: Yes. Please, go. It's not like we've got a ticking clock or anything.
Chronolock Guy(O.C. outside): Mayor, I beg of you, please...
The Doctor: 41 minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Courtyard ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chronolock Guy: Lock me up, throw us out, anything but this. Please. I only took it to save her.
Ashildr: How many minutes left?
Rump: Two, Madam Mayor.
Ashildr: This man stole medical rations. He broke a rule of the street and he stole from all of you. And yes, I can remove the chronolock. But I won't. Our rules keep us safe.
Chronolock Guy's Wife: Give it to me. Please. Tell me I can have it. One word. Say it. Say yes.
Chronolock Guy: I did this to save you, you silly old thing. You really think I could lose you now?
Rigsy: What's happening?
The Doctor: It's called a Quantum Shade. It's kind of a spirit. Once it's bound to a victim, you could flee across all of time and all of the universe, it would still find you.
( Raven caws )
Kabel: Don't run. Stay with her.
( Raven caws )
Chronolock Guy's Wife: Don't go!
Kabel: Why do they always run?
Chronolock Guy: Help me, somebody, please!
The Doctor: At least give him a merciful death.
Ashildr: Do you think a Cyberman fears a merciful death?
Chronolock Guy: Help me, please!
Ashildr: Peace on this street depends on one thing. To break it in any way is to face the raven.
Chronolock Guy: Please help me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Alley ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( He pants )
( He screams )
( People gasp )
( Raven caws )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Courtyard ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ashildr: I have no wish to harm your friend if he's innocent, Doctor. Question anyone. Examine the body. But it's not me you need to convince of Rigsy's innocence. It's them.
( Crowd murmurs )
Clara: OK, we split up. Cover more ground. I'm good cop, you're bad cop.
The Doctor: No, no, we don't have to... Can I not be the good cop?
Clara: Doctor, we've discussed this. Your face.
The Doctor: Oh, yes. Forget about cops. Forget about finding the real killer. You heard Ashildr. All we have to do is persuade these creatures that it isn't Rigsy. And fast.
( Baby cries, on phone )
Rigsy (on phone): Ssh! Ssh!
Jen (O.C. on phone): She's been like this all day.
Rigsy (on phone): Listen, you be good for your mum, OK? I'm doing my best to get home to you guys.
Jen (O.C. on phone): She won't stop crying.
Rigsy (on phone): Yeah, I know. Yeah, she can probably tell you're upset.
Clara: Rump? It's, em, Rump, isn't it? That man's wife. She said something. "Give it to me, tell me I can have it." What did she mean?
Rump: Two ways to survive a Quantum Shade. The Shade's master removes the chronolock... or you can give it to someone else.
Clara: Give it? You can just...
Rump: No, you can't just push it on someone. It's not that simple. It has to be taken willingly. The death's already locked in. You can pass it on, but... you can't cheat it.
Rigsy: You're serious? You actually expect me to give you my death sentence?
Clara: Ssh! Go on, I've always wanted a tattoo. You know, something small. Discreet.
Rigsy: Clara. Cut it out.
Clara: Weren't you listening? I'm under the Mayor's personal protection. And it's absolute, apparently. Look, she controls the raven, so I will never have to face it. This is clever.
Rigsy: But this is putting you in danger.
Clara: No, this is us talking the opposition into their own trap. This is Doctor 101. We're buying time. We get all the aliens on our side in the next half an hour, and then we reveal I've got the chronolock, not you, and boom! We buy ourselves more time to find the real killer.
Rigsy: The Doctor would never let you do this.
Clara: Doctor 102 - never tell anyone your actual plan. He'll have a tantrum when he finds out. And then, when we confront Ashildr, she'll want to take the chronolock off just to shut him up. What happens if you don't go home tonight to Jen and Lucy, eh? If you never go home? You really want your little girl growing up without a father just because he wouldn't take a risk? You trusted us to save you, so trust us. Come on.
Rigsy: OK. All right. How do we do this, then?
Clara: Well, I was kind of hoping that would be it. I say I want it, you say, "You can have it" - done deal. Hey, turn around, let me see.
( Caws )
Rigsy: So this is your life, then? Bouncing around time, saving people?
Clara: No, not every day. Sometimes Jane Austen and I prank each other. Oh, she is the worst. I love her. Take that how you like.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Ale House ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Are you sure it wasn't someone from the street?
Rump: I've told you already there wasn't anyone up that end of the street except Anah and the human.
The Doctor: I've identified 27 different species on this street so far, 15 of whom are known for aggression. Why is it so hard to believe one of them is capable of murder?
Rump: Capable of murder? Yeah. Capable of killing Anah? No.
The Doctor: Why not? What's so special about her?
Habrian Woman: It was the way she looked at you. Like she understood.
Elderly Woman: One glance into your past and she felt it all. Every battle, every loss.
The Doctor: So you just want the human dead, is that it?
Rump: You don't get it, do you? If the human didn't do it, that means one of us did it, which means folks start pointing fingers, turning on each other, and once we turn on each other in here, that's it. I might as well be back in a war zone.
The Doctor: So you'll just let Rigsy die?
Rump: To keep the peace? Yeah, I will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Courtyard ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kabel: Your friend, acting like he was all scared of us, calling for a doctor.
The Doctor: A what?
Kabel: I know. The cheek of it! Humans can survive losing entire limbs and I'm supposed to believe he...
The Doctor: Shut up! Shut up. The other thing you said, the second thing - what, you said he was scared and...
Kabel: And he asked the Mayor to call HIM a doctor. Poor Anah, dead at his feet, and...
The Doctor: Shh! Did he say "a doctor" or "the doctor"? This is very, very important.
Kabel: THE doctor. There was nothing wrong with him, mind. It was all just your standard human lies...
The Doctor: Clara gave you my number for emergencies. So when you wake up with a weird tattoo on your neck and no memory of the last 24 hours the first thing you do is call the Doctor.
Rigsy: "Call the Doctor."
The Doctor: But you find yourself accused of murder on a strange alien street in the middle of London? Only they've taken your phone so you beg the woman in charge to call me instead. She knew you and I were friends. So why did she lie? Unless she had something to hide.
Man (O.C.): Murderer!
The Doctor: There's something very wrong here and we're running out of time.
Clara: There's 12 minutes left. I'm not giving up yet.
Rigsy: Clara, even if one of them knows something, they're not going to come forward. The way they look at me...
Clara: The way they look at you?
Rigsy: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Anahson's House ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( She knocks )
Clara: Hey. Wait. Everyone here is weird around us because of Rigsy. But not you. You look at me and the Doctor like you're confused. Like you're curious.
Anahson: I don't know what you mean.
Clara: You do. You know Rigsy is innocent because you can look into his past and you can see it. Can't you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. Anahson's House ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: She dressed you as a boy to protect you, but really you're a girl. You have the gift.
Anahson: It is no gift. I'm safe as a boy. This is the first place I've ever been safe, and you want me to throw it away? To admit what I am?
The Doctor: The Mayor - what is she up to? It's nothing good, is it?
Anahson: I can't see everything... but she thinks she's doing the right thing.
The Doctor: They usually do. If what Ashildr is doing is harmless, then we'll just walk out of that door. No-one will know of your abilities. But if it's not...
Anahson: I don't know what she means to do. No, I'm trying! But I can't see it. I can't see it because it involves you. When I look at you, I can't tell your past from your future, and there's so very much of both.
The Doctor: This isn't about Rigsy. It's about me.
( Whispering echoes )
Anahson (distorted): She couldn't just ask you here. She needed a mystery. You can never resist a mystery. She's afraid.
The Doctor: Afraid of what? Of whom?
Anahson: I can't see. I'm sorry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Alley ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Caws )
The Doctor: You! Hold your tongue. We've got ten minutes left!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. House - Entrance Hall ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Ashildr said Anah was being taken home for burial. But the Janus burn their dead.
Rigsy: Is that true?
Clara: So, look, Ashildr got it wrong. What does it matter? Come on!
The Doctor: There's something about this tech...
Rigsy: Doctor, we don't have time!
Anahson: What is it?
The Doctor: It looks like medical data.
Anahson: But it can't be. She's dead - she isn't breathing.
The Doctor: This thing is a stasis pod. If you're dead, it's a kind of fancy refrigerator. But if you're alive...
( Heartbeat )
The Doctor: ..it simply keeps you that way.
Anahson: She's alive?
The Doctor: She's alive.
Anahson: Well, get her out! Get her out of there!
The Doctor: There must be a way to unlock it - something basic, something simple I'm missing.
Rigsy: A keyhole!
The Doctor: A keyhole would be very handy, yes, but...
Rigsy: No, no, a keyhole! Look!
I'll find her. I'll get the key.
The Doctor: No, Anahson, stay here. There's a reason the Mayor's gone AWOL. She means for us to release your mother, but she doesn't want us to use her key. She wants to use mine.
Clara: The TARDIS? That's what this is about? Doctor, wait!
The Doctor: This girl needs her mother.
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: I can't... ( Clicking ) What's it doing?
( CLANG! )
Anahson: Mum! Mum? Are you OK?
Ashildr: She'll be perfectly fine in a few moments. I assure you.
The Doctor: There are easier ways to steal a key, you know.
Ashildr: I don't want your TARDIS. That's not what this is about. Rigsy, come here, I'll remove your chronolock.
The Doctor: What is this, Ashildr? You can't possibly think it'll keep me here.
Ashildr: It's not a restraint. It's a teleport bracelet.
Clara: What?
Ashildr: I'll give you time to say goodbye. Don't worry. No-one will be hurt.
The Doctor: Where are you sending me?
Ashildr: I made a deal to protect the street. They take you, I take the key so you can't be traced. I do as they tell me, and the street is safe.
The Doctor: They? Who are "they?"
Ashildr: One more thing. Your confession dial. They have other means of procuring it, but I understand it's likely to be on your person. Please, no resistance. You've already lost. What is it?
The Doctor: In your terms, my last will and testament.
Ashildr: How does it work?
The Doctor: I've no idea.
Ashildr: Well, thank you anyway. Rigsy, your neck.
Rigsy: Clara, what are you playing at? The chronolock!
Clara: Take the teleport off him first!
Rigsy: I don't have it, I'm telling you. Clara does!
Ashildr: No... No, you didn't.
Clara: Go on, then. Take it off.
The Doctor: Clara, you didn't...!
Ashildr: I had no idea she'd do something so stupid. I swear, I never meant for anyone to get hurt. What were you thinking, sacrificing yourself?
Clara: I wasn't sacrificing anything! It was strategy. backup plan, to buy us more time.
The Doctor: Who told you to give it to her?
Clara: Nobody did! I did! Rump said...
The Doctor: What exactly did Rump say?
Clara: He said the death is locked in. You can pass it on, but...
The Doctor: But what?
Clara: But...
Ashildr (O.C.): But you can't cheat it altogether.
( Caws )
Rigsy: Clara, you didn't tell me that! Give it back to me, now.
Ashildr: She can't. Clara, I made a contract with the Shade when I put the chronolock on Rigsy. I promised it a soul and only I can break that contract. When you took it from him, you changed the terms. You cut me out of the deal.
( Raven caws )
Clara: We can fix this. Can't we? We always fix it.
The Doctor: No. (to Ashildr) But you can. Fix this. Fix it now.
Ashildr: It... It's not possible. I can't.
The Doctor: Yes, it is, you can, and you will, or this street will be over. I'll show you and all your funny little friends to the whole laughing world. I'll bring UNIT, I'll bring the Zygons. Give me a minute, I'll bring the Daleks and the Cybermen. You will save Clara, and you will do it now, or I will rain hell on you for the rest of time.
Ashildr: Doctor, stop talking like that. You can't.
The Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories, you know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?
Ashildr: I know the Doctor. The Doctor would never...
The Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.
Clara: Doctor, for God's sake, will you stop?
The Doctor: No!
Clara: I did this, do you hear me? I did this. This was my fault.
The Doctor: I don't care.
Clara: Liar. You always care. Always have. Your reign of terror will end with the sight of the first crying child and you know it.
The Doctor: No, I don't.
Clara: I do. Listen... If this is the last I ever see of you, please... not like this.
( Distant cawing )
Clara: Is there anything you can do?
Ashildr: I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, I...
Clara: Time's short. Yes or no?
Ashildr: No.
( He breathes heavily )
Clara: Well, if Danny Pink can do it, so can I.
The Doctor: Do what?
Clara: Die right. Die like I mean it. Face the raven.
The Doctor: No, this isn't happening, this can't be happening.
Clara: Maybe this is what I wanted. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is why I kept running. Maybe this is why I kept taking all those stupid risks. Kept pushing it.
The Doctor: This is my fault.
Clara: This is my choice.
The Doctor: I let you get reckless.
Clara: Why? Why shouldn't I be so reckless? You're reckless all the bloody time! Why can't I be like you?
The Doctor: Clara, there's nothing special about me. I'm nothing but I'm less breakable than you. I should have taken care of you.
Clara: I never asked you to.
The Doctor: You shouldn't have to ask.
( Raven caws )
( People scream )
Rigsy: Clara, if I'd known, I'd...
Clara: Don't. Shut up.
Rigsy: But...
Clara: Really, Rigsy, shut up. If you feel guilty about this, even for one minute, I...
( Cawing )
Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me. Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next... wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.
The Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?
Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So... I'm not asking you for a promise. I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no-one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.
The Doctor: What about me?
Clara: If there was something I could do about that, I would. I guess we're both just going to have to be brave.
The Doctor: Clara...
Clara: Everything you are about to say, I already know. Don't do it now. We've already had enough bad timing.
( Raven caws )
The Doctor: Don't run. Stay with me.
Clara: Nah. You stay here. In the end, everybody does this alone.
The Doctor: Clara...
Clara: This is as brave... as I know how to be. I know it's going to hurt you, but...please... be a little proud of me. Goodbye, Doctor.
( Raven caws )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ EXT. Alley ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Caws )
Clara: Let me be brave. Let me be brave...
( She gasps )
( She exhales )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ INT. House - Entrance Hall ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ashildr: I'm sorry, Doctor. I truly am.
( Controls beep )
The Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge - do you know why she said that?
Ashildr: She was saving you.
The Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best. But I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.
( Bracelet beeps )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ To be continued... ]
[ Next Time ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: This whole place is designed to terrify me. I know you. I've seen you before. If you were any part in killing her and you're not afraid, then you understand nothing at all. I am the Doctor, I'm coming to find you and I will never, ever stop.