Opening credits
JACK HARKNESS (v.o.) : Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st Century is when everything changes... and Torchwood is ready.
EXT. MALL - DAY
Owen stands in the middle of the walkway. The world around him moves... backward. In rewind. Everyone is walking quickly backwards.
OWEN (v.o.) : My name is Dr. Owen Harper and this is my life. MONTAGE OF CUTS : Owen is running.
OWEN (v.o.) : A life that is full of action...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen pulls out his gun with a silencer attached and shoots the lock off the door. Ianto turns around.
OWEN (v.o.) : ... and violence...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen is in the autopsy area back in the hub. He's holding a syringe and looks at the needle as Jack sits behind him and waits.
OWEN (v.o.) : ... and work,...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen looking at the slab of meat.
OWEN (v.o.) : ... wonder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen sprays on some alien pheromone at the bar. The blonde woman grabs him and kisses him.
OWEN (v.o.) : Secrets, s*x...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen dances with Diane.
OWEN (v.o.) : ... and love and heartbreak...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen is shot. He hits the ground.
OWEN (v.o.) : ... and death.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen is on the table. Martha pulls back the sheet covering him as she prepares to do his autopsy.
OWEN (v.o.) : My death. Owen sits up suddenly, panting.
OWEN (v.o.) : The death I survived.
EXT. MALL - DAY
Owen stands in the middle of the walkway. The world around him moves on past him. Everyone is walking past him as life continues.
OWEN (v.o.) : The death I am now living through.
INT. OWEN'S PLACE
REVERSE VIEW : OWEN'S REFRIGERATOR
Owen opens the refrigerator door and reaches for a bottle of something to drink.
OWEN (v.o.) : Except... this isn't living. Then, he remembers that he can't drink anything. He puts it back.
OWEN (v.o.) : Every day it's the same. THE NEXT DAY : Owen opens the refrigerator door and looks at the bottles of things he can't consume.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the bathroom, Owen lathers up some shaving foam in his hands.
OWEN (v.o.) : I get up, get ready for work the same as everyone else. Then, he remembers that he no longer has facial hair to shave. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and swallows.
INT. THE HUB - CONTAINMENT CELLS
Owen stands in front of the weevil cage.
OWEN (v.o.) : The thing is, I'm not the same. The weevil cowers in the darkness, lifts its head and howls.
WEEVIL : Aaaahh !
INT. THE HUB - OUTSIDE THE COG DOOR
Owen stands outside the cog door.
OWEN (v.o.) : I get to work and everyone's doing the same old thing. The lights flash and the door rolls open. He turns to go inside. Jack, Toshiko and Gwen are up at the workstations.
OWEN (v.o.) : Babbling away about aliens and weddings. He enters the hub.
INT. UNDER WATER - DAY
Owen is under water.
OWEN (v.o.) : I'm not real. Three days ago, I died. He looks at his hand.
OWEN (v.o.) : And they think I'm fine,... but they're wrong. Owen screams.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BUILDINGS - NIGHT (PRESENT)
PULL UP to the tallest building where we find Owen and a blonde-haired woman sitting side-by-side on the edge, their legs dangling off the side.
OWEN : So, are you ready to jump ? Opening credits
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT (PRESENT)
Owen and Maggie sit side-by-side on the edge, their legs dangling off the side.
MAGGIE : Would you just piss off. Get off my roof.
OWEN : Your roof ?
MAGGIE : I'm going to jump, so just leave me alone.
OWEN (sighs) : Look, darlin', you know, I'm not here to stop you. Seriously. (He unzips his jacket). You think you've got problems ? (Scoffs). What, did your man dump you ?
MAGGIE : Sorry, love, are you talking to me ? It's just, you know, I'm a bit busy right now. I'm not really interested in listen... (She stops when she sees his bullet wound in his chest). What is that ?
OWEN : I got shot.
MAGGIE : Yeah, right. He looks at her, half smiles and nods. She sticks her finger in his bullet wound. Now, she's freaking.
MAGGIE : Oh, my God. She climbs down from her perch on the wall and steps back just to put some distance between them.
MAGGIE : What the hell are you ? Owen climbs down off the wall. Maggie is still backing away from him.
OWEN : I'm dead.
MAGGIE : That's not... Look, you can't be dead, you're... you're standing here. You're talking. You're moving. You're... you're not dead. Wha... ? You're... You're dead ?
OWEN : Yeah, I was brought back... like Jesus really, but without the beard, you know. (Realizes). sh1t, I'm never gonna have a beard. Not that I wanted one you understand, but you know, one day I...
MAGGIE : Yeah. Okay. Okay. You're dead and that's... that's clearly a bit sh1t and I'm sorry and everything but, if you are dead, then why are you here ? You can't be wanting to jump. You can't die twice.
OWEN : Sorry, are you an expert ?
MAGGIE : Sorry, are you an idiot ?
OWEN : Yeah. I'm a dead idiot.
MAGGIE : So, come on then, what's it like ? She sticks a cigarette in her mouth and lights it.
OWEN : What ?
MAGGIE : Well, being dead. What delights have I got to look forward to ?
OWEN : Darkness. Nothing.
MAGGIE : Cheery, thanks. Look, why are you here ? Owen looks at her.
JACK (PRE-LAP, v.o.) : Dr. Owen Harper, Torchwood Officer 565, I'm relieving you of your position.
INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - NIGHT (EARLIER)
Jack is at his desk as he delivers the bad news to Owen. Ianto is near the doorway.
OWEN : Bollocks. I'm sorry, Jack, this is bollocks !
JACK : Hand in your weapon and your security pass.
OWEN : But why ? I'm fine.
JACK : Three days ago, you died. We need to examine you. We need to find out what you are. We need to be certain you're okay.
OWEN : Yeah, well it almost sounds as if you care, well done.
JACK : Until I'm confident you're fit for duty, Martha Jones will replace you as Torchwood's new medical officer.
OWEN : She's doing all right out of this, isn't she ?
JACK (stands up) : She's worked out a series of tests and examinations.
OWEN : And what if I refuse ?
JACK : You'll be confined to the cells, the tests will be done, and if the results show that you're a danger to the team, appropriate steps will be taken. Ianto steps in closer. Jack also steps in closer to Owen.
JACK : I'm asking you, Owen. Please, let us help you. Let us make sure you're safe. Owen doesn't look at him.
IANTO : I'm gonna need your gun. Owen turns and looks at him. He takes his gun out and reluctantly gives it to Ianto.
IANTO : And your security pass. (Owen looks at Ianto). Please... Just behind them and through the glass in the wall, Martha is in the workstations. He glances at her, then takes his security pass out and gives it to Ianto.
OWEN : And how long are Dr. Jones' tests going to take ?
JACK : As long as they need to.
OWEN : And what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime ?
JACK : We always need someone to make coffee.
OWEN : Oh, no.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLOSE-UP : COFFEE MACHINE
Ianto is at his area at the base of the spiral stairs as he fills up the coffee cup. Owen sits in the chair nearby.
IANTO : Voila. Fresh and strong. (He smells it appreciatively). Mmmm. Owen gets up. Ianto steps aside and hands the cup to Owen.
OWEN : And, uh... we couldn't just have a jar of instant, no ?
IANTO : I thought you liked your coffee.
OWEN : Have you seen what happens when I drink these days ?
IANTO : Yeah. Thank you, Owen. Ianto takes the cup away from him.
IANTO : Do you want a go ?
OWEN : Ooh, please. Owen turns to try his hand at the machine. Owen grabs the handle. The cups rattle as he tries to get it to work, but it doesn't.
OWEN : Come on. What's wrong with this ?
IANTO : You, um... Owen grabs both handles and shakes it. The cups and dishes rattle loudly. Some sound as if they break. He turns and sees Jack and Martha on the stairs watching him. He rests his chin on the machine in humiliation.
IANTO (quietly) : You okay ? OWEN (sighs and turns around) : What do you think ? I bet you're loving this, aren't you ? It's like you've finally won.
IANTO : I didn't realize we were in competition.
OWEN : Oh, come on ! Even Tosh had more of a life than you used to. And now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack and I'm stuck here making the coffee.
IANTO : It's not like that. Me and Jack. Ianto goes to the machine and fixes a cup of coffee.
OWEN : Yeah, yeah... You and Jack. Gwen's getting married. Martha's got her bloke. God, even Tosh had Tommy. This is really sh1t ! Ianto goes about his business.
IANTO : We've all gone through sh1t. I've seen you dissect alien corpses. I've seen you save so many lives. Are you really going to let this beat you ? He leaves Owen with that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY AREA
Owen is on the treadmill. His image is up on the monitor as Martha tests him. The machine beeps. Owen stops it. He smiles.
OWEN : So, you're choosing me over the boyfriend ? Owen steps off the treadmill and picks up the barbells. He starts lifting them. Martha goes to the treadmill to check the readings.
MARTHA : Yeah, that's it. You really don't need to worry, you know, I don't want your job.
OWEN : Yes, I know. You just find me irresistible.
MARTHA (rolls her eyes) : Oh, yeah, that's it. Every morning I wake up and think of ways to get you alone like this. (She goes back to the computer). There is no sign of any muscle decay. You're in great shape, as ever.
OWEN : Hmm, no use coming onto me, Jones. I'm a changed man.
MARTHA : And... um, no stiffening anywhere ?
OWEN : Well...
MARTHA : Just answer the question.
OWEN : No, no signs of rigor mortis. Owen puts the barbells down.
OWEN : So, if I keep up the exercise, I won't atrophy ? She appears with the hand-held monitor and scans him.
MARTHA : Yep. And bonus, definitely looks like you're not going to age either. There's no further sign of cell mutation. You're a hundred percent human. (She turns the monitor off). A hundred percent Owen. Owen nods. The intercom beeps.
GWEN (from speaker) : Hi, Martha. Meeting in the boardroom. Can you come down ?
OWEN : You'd better go... Doctor.
MARTHA : What about you ?
OWEN : Cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles.
MARTHA (smiles, confused) : What ?
OWEN : That's what you drink, isn't it ? Suddenly, it's very awkward. Martha turns and leaves. Owen's smile fades.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. THE HUB - CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone except Owen is there.
JACK : Henry John Parker. He used to be a looker. Now he's 80-odd and even I have my limits. The door opens. Owen walks in with a tray of coffee.
JACK : Your basic millionaire collector of alien hoo-hah.
OWEN (quietly) : Didn't we file him in the "mostly harmless" category ? He puts a cup down in front of Ianto.
MARTHA : So, what's the problem ? Owen continues setting coffee cups down on the table.
TOSHIKO : I detected this at 5:17 this morning. Parker's house. There's an energy spike coming from it. I've never seen anything like it before.
GWEN : Okay. So, the big question is, what's our Mr. Parker gone and found this time ? Gwen and Ianto quietly switch coffee cups as Owen heads to the back of the room.
MARTHA : Why ? Do you think he's a threat ?
GWEN : Well, he hasn't been up until now. (Owen wipes his tray as he listens). He's a bit Howard Hughes. We know he's there, we know he's not a threat. But as the story goes, he hasn't left the house since his wife died. Nobody's seen him since 1986.
OWEN : We've been monitoring Parker for ages. There's nothing to be scared of is there ? Owen quickly sits down at the table with the others. There's a brief awkwardness with him being there when he's not supposed to.
IANTO : Unlike, say, Tintin ?
OWEN : Okay ! I never liked Tintin. What ? He's weird. He's got a funny face and his hair is just, he's horrible.
IANTO : I always loved Tintin.
OWEN : Yeah, well you would. And he never had a girlfriend did he, just the dog. Yeah, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog.
GWEN (interrupts) : Okay, meanwhile, back at Torchwood. Alien energy pulse. (to Jack) We've got to check this Parker out, okay ? (Jack nods. Gwen gets to her feet). Tosh, can you get me a complete schematic of the house ? Ianto, find out exactly what he's got. Get me an inventory of everything that he's bought over the last ten years. Martha, can you get a hold of his medical history ?
MARTHA : Sure.
GWEN : Okay, let's get to it, guys. As everyone gets to their feet, Jack levels a look at Owen. He then gets to his feet to leave as well. Owen is left sitting at the table.
JACK (o.s.) : Hey, Gwen, any news on Banana Boat ?
GWEN : Can you believe it ? Best Man, arrested in Lanzarote.
JACK : What for ?
GWEN : Ah, dodgy Cds.
OWEN (PRE-LAP v.o.) : Worldwide, nearly a million people kill themselves each year. The door closes behind them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT (PRESENT)
OWEN : That's almost three times the population of Cardiff. Makes you think.
MAGGIE : What are you ? Some sort of suicide geek ?
OWEN : No, just a doctor. In fact, I'm not just a doctor. I'm a bloody brilliant doctor.
MARTHA (PRE-LAP, v.o.) : I know you are.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY AREA (EARLIER)
Owen sits on the table while Martha is working on the computer.
OWEN : So why are you doing my job ? He absently plays with a scalpel, flipping it and catching it. Martha turns to look at him.
MARTHA : Because Gwen asked me to.
OWEN : That's not what I mean.
MARTHA : Because you died. And because you need help. That's not a bad thing. Well, it's a bad thing that you died obviously, but it's not bad that you need help. If you know what I mean.
OWEN : You're kinda cute when you babble.
MARTHA : And you're kinda cute when you're not chucking a scalpel about.
OWEN : But I'm making the sodding coffee ! (He stands up. Martha goes back to typing on the computer). I mean, come on, won't your bloke be missing you ? How about Jack ! Has he seen Jack ? They always get jealous when they meet Jack.
MARTHA (irritated) : Owen, I don't want your job. I just want to do mine.
OWEN : Okay, I'm dead, but I am one hundred percent human. I'm fine.
MARTHA : You've sliced your hand open. Owen drops the scalpel as he opens his hand. It clatters on the floor. He is sufficiently freaked. TIME CUT TO : Owen sits on the table as Martha tends to his hand.
MARTHA : The wound's not going to heal, so, you're going to have to re-stitch it every week or so. At least you don't need anesthetic.
OWEN : Yeah, can't feel anything. I can't feel the needle or thread. I can't feel your hands on mine. Yet, I can touch things. I can hold 'em, I know they're there. But I just... can't feel anything. I'm numb.
MARTHA : Do you see why Jack's worried ? Bruises won't heal. Bones won't mend. You're... fragile. Owen takes a breath.
OWEN : Yeah, well, I'd better get used to doing things myself. He takes the needle and thread from her to stitch up his own hand.
MAGGIE (PRE-LAP, v.o.) : So she offers to help you and you push her away ? Charming.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT (PRESENT)
Maggie takes another cigarette out of the box.
OWEN : Yeah, hole in the chest. Sorry if I don't follow social niceties any more. Owen climbs up on the wall to take his seat next to her.
MAGGIE : You mean you did before ? She lights the cigarette.
OWEN : God, you're a pain in the arse, aren't you ? Is that why your man dumped you ? (She looks at him). Ooh, I hit a nerve ? What, did you get your heart broken ?
MAGGIE : No, actually. He died.
OWEN : I'm sorry.
MAGGIE : No you're not. You couldn't care less about me and I don't care about you. Just because we're both planning on jumping, it doesn't mean we have some sort of special connection.
OWEN : You don't know the half of it.
INT. THE HUB - WORKSTATIONS / JACK'S OFFICE (EARLIER)
Gwen is at her workstation going through some papers. Owen walks up to her and puts her cup down. His hand is bandaged up. She glances at him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen talks with Jack.
OWEN : Give me something to do.
JACK : You know I can't. Rules and regulations. Owen takes Jack's cup and plate.
OWEN : Fine. I might as well go home then.
JACK : Okay. Owen turns toward the door. He turns back.
OWEN : What exactly do I do when I get there ?
JACK : Watch TV... chill.
OWEN : Jack, I'm dead. I'm permanently chilled. You know, you get to live forever. I get to die forever. It's funny that. Owen turns and leaves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OWEN'S PLACE - DAY
Owen is back at home, sitting on the sofa with the television set on.
MAN 1 (from tv) : I'll look into it myself.
MAN 2 (from tv) : Can I arrange something for later ?
RANDOM MAN (from tv) : Yep.
HOST (from tv) : Oh, hello ! And welcome to To Buy Or Not To Buy, the property show that lets you indulge in your... Owen turns the sound off. He sits on the sofa for a moment, puts the remote down and rubs his eyes. He gets up and looks at his place. He picks up a large trash bag, walks over to the refrigerator, turns the iPod on and opens the refrigerator. He clears out the food inside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the bathroom, he throws away the toilet tissue. He opens the medicine cabinet and tosses all the shaving and grooming products on the bottom shelf. CUT BACK TO : Owen clears off the items on the refrigerator door. CUT BACK TO : In the bathroom, Owen tosses all the products on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen takes the garbage bag and closes the refrigerator door. He picks up the brand new loaf of bread on the table and looks at it. He tosses it in the garbage bag. He then throws away all the food on the table. He throws away the food on the counter, including a bowl of fresh fruit... and a handful of rotting bananas. He stops.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen is back to sitting on the couch.
VARIOUS CUTS OF OWEN BEING BORED
He stands in the bathroom. He looks at his empty refrigerator.) More Owen being bored. His eyes drift shut. Suddenly, his doorbell is ringing. It takes him a moment to realize that his doorbell is ringing. Owen opens the door and finds Toshiko there. She smiles at him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toshiko bursts in. She's carrying a box of pizza.
TOSHIKO : Do you mind if I eat, I'm starving ? She heads into the kitchen.
OWEN : No, help yourself. So, Jack asked you to come round did he ? "Talk to Owen. Get him to open up, goddamn it". He sits at the counter.
TOSHIKO : You haven't changed, have you ? It's all about Owen. (She grabs her bottle of drink and looks around). I've had a hell of a morning, you know. Do you have a... ? She motions opening the bottle.
OWEN (points) : Top drawer. She turns to get the bottle opener.
TOSHIKO : So, Jack calls me in at 5:00 this morning. (She opens the bottle). He could've waited until I got in, but no, strange energy spike, and it's "Let's get Tosh in." Oh, and when Gwen got in, first thing she did ? Say sorry for not asking me to be bridesmaid. (voice fades) I mean, me, a bridesmaid ? Toshiko eats and continues talking. Owen drowns her out, not paying attention to her.
MAGGIE (v.o.) : You sound like an old married couple.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT - PRESENT
Owen and Maggie talk.
MAGGIE : Brian used to say I talked too much.
OWEN : Tell me about him.
MAGGIE : Today's my wedding anniversary.
Quick flashes of : Maggie exiting the church in her white wedding dress. She and her husband leave.
MAGGIE (whispers) : My perfect day...
Quick flashes of : Maggie is walking along the road, her white dress drenched red with blood. She staggers, then sits on the side of the grassy hill.
MAGGIE : It was an accident.
Quick flash of : Maggie in her blood-stained wedding dress. She heads toward the overturned car. She sits on the grass and touches her dead husband's hand. She looks around for help.
MAGGIE : We'd been married less than an hour.
Quick flash of : Maggie climbs up the grassy hill to the road. Her face is cut. She makes her way along the empty road.
MAGGIE : I was picking confetti out of my hair when it happens.
OWEN : sh1t. I'm...
MAGGIE : Sorry, yeah. I know.
OWEN : You've waited until your wedding anniversary to kill yourself ? Why ?
MAGGIE : Does it matter ?
OWEN : Why have you waited ?
MAGGIE : Because I believe people. I... I believe them when they said it would get better. So, what do you think, Doctor ? Do you... do you really think it's going to get any better ? They lapse into silence. Maggie inhales from her cigarette, then tosses it off the side of the building.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OWEN'S PLACE - DAY (EARLIER)
Owen is in his kitchen, staring at nothing. He closes his eyes. PAN slowly around Owen to REVEAL that Toshiko is still there and talking. We can't hear a word she's saying as Owen has tuned her out. Owen's brows furrow as something occurs to him. We hear Toshiko's voice now, mid-conversation.
TOSHIKO (fades in) : ... bounced a message from the stars. Guess what... It's Croatian. I ran it through the language translator and it's flipping Croatian.
OWEN (interrupts) : Why are you here, Tosh ?
TOSHIKO : I want to help you. He nods.
OWEN : And how are you going to do that ? How are you going to help me ? I mean, am I going to be a new special project ?
TOSHIKO : Come on, Owen, I just...
OWEN : That's not why you're here is it ? For some reason you want me. You know I don't know why, but you always have... always looking at me, watching me screw all those other women, your heart breaking and now it's different. Because I'm safe now, aren't I ? And it's all cozy and it's romantic and isn't it beautiful ?
TOSHIKO : You can say what you like. I'm not leaving you.
OWEN : Of course, not. This is it, isn't it ? This is the date that we were talking babout. You've got your beer, you've got pizza, you and me. It's just how you wanted it. All we need now is a sodding pool table.
TOSHIKO : Stop it ! What's wrong with you ?
OWEN : I'm broken, Tosh ! I don't work. I've got no heartbeat, no feelings, no tears ! I have got nothing to give you ! I... Do you understand that ? Maybe that's what you want ! Maybe you want somebody who's as screwed up as you ! Who's twisted and screwed up like you are. (He holds up his bandaged right hand). You want to see broken ? (He grabs his pinky finger). Do you want to see broken, Tosh ? He bends it backward till the bones crack.
TOSHIKO : Owen ! Stop it ! What are you doing ?! He bends it all the way back. Toshiko stares at him. Owen sees the look on her face and can't take it any more. He runs out. The door slams shut behind him.
EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY
Owen runs... across the green grass... and past people watching. He runs as fast as he can. Owen turns and runs along the wooden pier. He runs to the end of the pier... and jumps into the water. Owen plunges into the water. He closes his eyes and all the bubbles clear. He opens his eyes and drifts in the water.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Owen puts a hand on the wooden pier and pulls himself up. He rests there a moment. Jack steps up to him and checks his wristband.
JACK : Thirty-six minutes. Not bad.
OWEN : You were watching ?
JACK : Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water ? I was taking pictures. Jack starts walking away. Owen quickly gets up. He's dripping. Jack stops and turns around.
JACK : How long is this going to go on for, Owen ? Jack turns and walks away from him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. THE HUB - CONFERENCE ROOM
Gwen leads the meeting with Jack, Ianto and Martha sitting at the table.
GWEN : Ianto, what have you found out about Parker ?
IANTO : I've identified some of the things he's purchased over the past year. We've got a Dogon eye. A pair of Myakian wings, some meteorites. An Arcateenian translation of James Herbert's The Fog. But there are a few things we've never seen before.
GWEN : So one of these is causing the energy spikes ?
IANTO : Looks like it. And they're getting bigger, dangerously bigger.
GWEN : Well, okay we need to get in there. Gwen reaches across the table to hand Ianto a file. Ianto stands and leans over the table to get it.
GWEN : Parker employs a Mr. Philip Farrington to run security. There's at least six guards, CCTV everywhere, all of which we can bring down by taking out the generator. But then there's these... (they turn to look at the monitor) heat sensors.
MARTHA : As in body heat ?
GWEN : Yep. Solar-powered. There's one on every doorway, every window.
IANTO : So, how do we get past them ?
OWEN (o.s.) : Sounds like you need a dead man. They turn and find Owen standing in the doorway, a towel draped around his neck, his hair still damp. His pinky finger is bandaged up as well.
OWEN : Someone with no body heat. He walks into the room.
OWEN : What have you got to lose ? He looks at Jack. Jack looks at him, measuring him. He motions to Ianto. Ianto offers Owen his gun back. Owen takes it. Jack nods. Footsteps approach. It's Toshiko. Owen turns around.
OWEN : Tosh ? She offers his keys back to him.
TOSHIKO : I turned your telly off. She leaves the keys with him and she walks away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT (PRESENT)
Maggie and Owen talk. Maggie sits on the roof wall, her back to the edge as she faces Owen.
MAGGIE : You screamed at her, you said all those things, and that's it ?
OWEN : That's Tosh. Always the professional. She hops off the roof wall.
MAGGIE : I don't care. I'm not interested in you, in old men or, or alien meteors. I came here because my husband died. I just want to jump. Owen looks at her and nods. Suddenly, he grabs her and rushes toward the edge of the roof.
OWEN : Let's get on with it !
MAGGIE (shouts) : Get off me ! He lets her go.
OWEN : You, you're too scared.
MAGGIE : Aren't you ? (Owen doesn't answer her). How did... how did you get from that to here ? The sirens wail below. She looks at him.
MAGGIE : What happened ?
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. OUTSIDE PARKER RESIDENCE - NIGHT (EARLIER)
Martha talks with Owen. Jack watches behind her with the monitors they've set up. Owen is wearing a jacket with the hood over his head.
MARTHA : If you hurt yourself, you will not recover. Like I said... any bruises you get, they're not going to heal. Do not engage in physical combat... one punch you're gone. Be careful.
OWEN : I understand, I'm made of glass. Owen turns to head out.
MARTHA : Owen ? He stops and looks at her.
MARTHA : Just take care. He nods, then turns to head out when Jack stops him.
JACK : Oh, and... uh ... you'll need this. Jack tosses a white cloth to him. Owen looks at Jack. Owen nods, then turns to go. He runs down the path along the bushes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TOP VIEW DOWN on the estate pool. A security guard walks along the edge of the pool. PULL BACK to show the large wall bordering the estate and Owen making his way on the outside of the wall. Owen stops outside the gate and looks in. He presses his back to the stone wall.
TOSHIKO (from comm) : Owen ? Owen turns his comm on.
OWEN (quietly to comm) : Yeah... Hi, Tosh.
TOSHIKO (from comm) : Okay, the power in the house is supplied from one private electrical generator. There's a backup unit but take the main one down and you've got one minute, twenty of blackout time. The security guard walks past the gate.
OWEN : Can you get rid of one of the blokes here ?
IANTO : It might look a bit suspicious if there were two phone calls.
OWEN : Try and make it the big one, okay ? The two guards circle around the pool in a routine manner. Something shrieks in the night. One of the guards turns and looks. A cell phone rings. The guard turns and looks at the other guard. Owen also turns and quickly glances at the guard nearest the gate whose phone is ringing. The smaller guard answers his phone.
OWEN (quiet) : Arse. BEN TAYLOR (GUARD) (to phone) : Hello ? INTERCUT WITH :
INT. THE HUB - WORKSTATIONS
Gwen is on the speakerphone.
GWEN (to phone) : Mr. Taylor ?
BEN TAYLOR (to phone) : Yeah, that's right. Who's this ?
GWEN (to phone) : I'm calling from St. Helen's Hospital. Mrs. Christine Taylor was brought in an hour ago. She's been involved in a car accident. The other guard approaches Ben Taylor.
BEN TAYLOR (to phone) : Is she hurt ?
GWEN : She's going to be fine, but she's asking to see you.
BEN TAYLOR : Of course, I'm on my way. He hangs up.
GUARD 2 : You all right ?
BEN TAYLOR : It's Chrissie, she's been in an accident. Look, I've got to go.
GUARD 2 : Yeah, of course. Ben leaves. Owen quickly moves to the other side of the gate. The remaining guard looksaround.
GUARD 2 (to radio) : Mr. Farrington ? Ben's had to go. His wife's been in an accident. The guard walks out of the pool area through the gate. He passes Owen without seeing him. Owen runs in through the gate, passes the pool and quickly up the lawn. Owen makes his way cautiously along the wall of the greenhouse building. He reaches the main lawn and stops for a moment, then continues toward the electrical box.
OWEN (quietly, to comm) : Okay, guys, I'm here. He opens the electrical box. The hinges squeak. A guard walks up to him from behind.
GUARD : Move away from there. Startled, Owen turns around to find the guard walking up to him.
GUARD (grabs Owen) : I said ! Owen kicks the guard. The guard falls to the ground. Owen takes out the white cloth Jack gave him. He looks at it and sees it's a t-shirt complete with toon boy and dog : Tintin.
OWEN (groans) : Yeah, okay, guys. Very funny. Owen wraps the shirt around his hand just as the guard starts to get up.
GUARD : Argh ! Owen pulls his gun out and the guard stops.
OWEN : No, no, no. Do you want to see what I can do ?
GUARD : What ? Owen turns and sticks his shirt-wrapped hand in the electrical box and shorts it out. The lights in the house flash. Owen grins.
OWEN : Woo ! Owen pulls out the main cable. The power goes out completely.
OWEN : I'm dead already, mate.
FARRINGTON (over radio) : Webb ? Dave, are you there ? Before he can answer, Owen kicks him and knocks him out.
GUARD : Oh !
TOSHIKO (from comm) : One minute, twenty until the backup generator comes online. Owen turns and runs toward the main house.
FARRINGTON (from radio) : This is Farrington to all units. The backup generator will be running in 45 seconds. Stay at your posts, please.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - FRONT DOORS / FOYER - NIGHT
Owen reaches the front doors and kneels in front of the glass.
FARRINGTON (from radio) : Mr. Parker's personal generator is unaffected.
TOSHIKO (from comm) : Sorry, Owen, they've obviously had some work done. He pushes the front doors open and steps cautiously into the house. As he walks in, he notices the green sensor lights on the floor.
OWEN : Heat sensors. He waves his arm direction in its path. Nothing. He looks at his hand.
OWEN : I am literally too cool for school. He turns his flashlight on and looks around. He makes his way into the house.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Owen makes his way through the hallway.
OWEN : Right, I'm in.
TOSHIKO (from comm) : Okay, the energy reading seems to be coming from the first floor. A room at the back of the house.
OWEN : Can you give me anything else ?
TOSHIKO (from comm) : No, the energy source is playing havoc with the system, sorry.
OWEN : No worries. I'm getting used to being in the dark. Owen reaches a room that looks like the kitchen. The power switches on and the lights power up. Owen runs.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
Owen starts up the stairs. A security guard appears at the top of the steps behind Owen.
SECURITY GUARD : Hold it there. Owen stops. He pushes his hood back and looks at the security guard at the top of the stairs, measuring him.
OWEN : Evenin'. Nice place you've got here. (Starts up slowly). Love what you've done with the pictures.
SECURITY GUARD : Who are you ? Why aren't the sensors picking you up ? There are sensors at each corner of the window Owen is walking past. The guard starts getting nervous. Owen continues up the stairs.
SECURITY GUARD : Okay, stop ! Stop or I'll shoot.
OWEN : No, you won't. You're a security guard. Come on, that gun's just for show, innit ? Owen continues up the stairs.
OWEN : Do you know what a bullet does to a living person ? It's not like a knife through butter, no, no, no, no. It rotates, tears into the flesh and the gooey stuff behind... it rips into the organs, and, ooh, it's not nice. Owen is nearly to the top of the stairs.
OWEN : But anyway, I haven't got any body heat. You must know what that means ? You can't kill a dead man.
SECURITY GUARD : What are you ?
OWEN : I'm wrong.
SECURITY GUARD : What are you ?! Owen shows him his broken left hand.
OWEN : I'm broken. I'm Dr Owen Harper. Owen grabs the gun away from the security guard.
OWEN : And I'm having one hell of a day. Owen smashes the gun into the security guard's face, knocking him out. Owen steps over the guard, drops the security guard's gun near him and takes his own gun out. The cartridge clicks as he snaps it in place.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Owen starts down the hallway, his gun held out in front of him.
EXT. OUTSIDE PROPERTY
Jack and Martha wait.
INT. THE HUB - NIGHT
Ianto and Gwen wait.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Owen continues through the hallway. He checks the first door, then continues. Owen reaches the end of the hallway. He opens the door and enters the room. In the room is a shelf with various items on display. Owen looks at the items. Whatever he's looking for isn't there. He turns and looks at a second shelf with more items on display. Again, not there. Owen lifts his gun and heads for the door at the back of the room.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - PARKER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Owen opens the door and finds Parker's bedroom, a large mosquito net-covered bed in the middle of the room with various medical equipment and monitors around it. Owen walks in. Henry Parker is on the bed, seemingly asleep. Owen turns to look at some items on display on a shelf.
HENRY PARKER : Yes ? Owen is startled. He turns and finds Henry Parker awake. A heart monitor beeps steadily.
OWEN : It's okay, mate. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm a doctor.
HENRY PARKER : You're a very violent doctor. I've been watching you. Parker lifts his hand and indicates the security monitors set up nearby. Owen pushes the netting aside to look at the old man.
OWEN : Henry Parker, yeah ?
HENRY PARKER : You're Torchwood, yes ? INTERCUT WITH : Outside, Jack and Martha listen. HENRY PARKER (from Owen's comm) : Did the American send you ? Martha turns and looks at Jack. Jack looks at Martha.
OWEN : Yeah, he sent me. How do you know so much about us ?
HENRY PARKER : They could've sent that Japanese girl, I like her. INTERCUT WITH : In the hub, Toshiko listens and is surprised.
OWEN : Yeah, well, I'm sorry. You got me.
HENRY PARKER : Is she... uh... on your phone thing ? That earpiece ?
OWEN : Yeah.
HENRY PARKER (to Toshiko) : Hello ! Just to say you've got very lovely legs. (Toshiko smiles). You should show them off more. Parker coughs.
OWEN : What's wrong with you ?
HENRY PARKER : Three heart attacks and a failed bypass. But I'm fine, because I have this. Parker takes out the alien device hidden under his covers. It looks like a large shell. It glows, pulses with light and emits a hollow sound.
HENRY PARKER : It's called "the Pulse".
OWEN : You know what it is ? Owen takes his backpack off and opens it.
HENRY PARKER : I named it. It's keeping me alive. (Owen takes his hand-held device out to measure the energy readings). No ! You're not taking it. Owen takes his readings.
OWEN : It could be dangerous. We've been detecting massive energy readings.
HENRY PARKER : I don't care. All I know is, it works.
OWEN : Well, I'm sorry, it doesn't.
HENRY PARKER : What ?
OWEN : The energy isn't going into you. The power's just building up inside that thing, that's what we've been detecting but... it isn't actually doing anything for you.
HENRY PARKER : You're wrong. I can feel it. No, no. I'm not going to die.
OWEN : Listen, please. Listen to me. There are loads of people's lives at risk. If that explodes, then we don't know what the fallout will be.
HENRY PARKER : You're young. You don't understand what dying feels like.
OWEN : Believe me, I do. I really do.
HENRY PARKER : There's nothing there !
OWEN : Where ?
HENRY PARKER : On the other side, nothing. I'm dying. Take away my Pulse and I'm gone, my body decomposing.
OWEN : You can't stop it, Mr. Parker. I'm sorry, but it's going to happen one day. Owen pulls up a chair and sits down next to the bed.
HENRY PARKER : It'll be dark and I'll be alone.
OWEN : Where are you now ? It's dark and you're all alone, so what's the difference ?
HENRY PARKER : I don't understand what's keeping me here. Parker coughs. The monitor alarm beeps. Owen puts the oxygen mask on Parker and lets him breathe in deep. After he's calmed down and the monitor alarm stops, Owen removes the oxygen mask.
OWEN : It's hope. That thing... it's just hope. Do you really think all this is better than death ?
HENRY PARKER : It's got to be. It is better !
OWEN : You're just scared of the darkness. Join the club. Trust me. I know how sh1t everything can be.
HENRY PARKER : Eh... Don't you sit there pontificating, you're just a boy. What do you know about anything ? I've traveled the world. I fought in the war. Started my own business. I made a fortune. Married. Widowed. My collection, all of it. I've done so much and this is where I ended up. Alone. Lying in my own piss and do you know what I want ?
OWEN : Clean sheets ?
HENRY PARKER : I want a steak. Medium rare. Black pepper sauce. Look at me ! Fed through a tube. I might as well be dead already. (The Pulse keens. Softly). I might as well be dead. Why don't you take it ? Parker lifts the Pulse and offers it to Owen.
HENRY PARKER (softly) : Take it. Owen takes it from him and sets it aside on the bed.
OWEN : Well ?
HENRY PARKER : Oh, Christ, it's dark, I'm alone, I'm so alone. Owen reaches for his hand and holds it.
OWEN : It's all right, I'm here with you.
HENRY PARKER : Uh. I'm still stuck here, though. In this bed, in the dark.
OWEN : You know what ? I'm going to come back. You and me. We're going to face all of this together. I'm going to help you.
HENRY PARKER : Torchwood, if you come back, you can tell me all about it. Tell me what it's like. I want to hear about the aliens and everything ! I need... I need to know that there's more out there. That this isn't all there is. (Off Owen's hesitant look). Oh, come on ! I'm dying, who am I going to tell, the Angel Gabriel ? If you come back, I won't tell the Japanese girl that you're still holding my hand.
OWEN : Well, maybe. Parker smiles. He starts coughing and the heart monitor flatlines. Owen turns and reaches for the oxygen mask. He puts it on Parker's face.
OWEN : Deep breath. Owen turns and presses the buttons on the machine.
OWEN : Mr. Parker ? The heart monitor flatlines. Parker doesn't respond. Owen sets the oxygen mask aside.
OWEN : Henry ? Still no response. Owen gets to work. He turns and checks the monitors. He checks Parker for a pulse and removes the pillow from behind his head. He starts chest compressions and leans in to give him mouth-to-mouth when he stops. He has no breath to give him. He lifts his hand to his mouth. No breath. Owen hits the bed in frustration.
OWEN : I'm sorry. I'm so sorry ! Owen puts his head down in frustration and despair.
OWEN (PRE-LAP, v.o.) : I couldn't save him.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT - PRESENT
OWEN : He needed to give him air but I couldn't. I've got no breath ! Everything I've seen, everything that's out there and it was an old man dying of a heart attack. It was just another person dying because of me. (Owen climbs up on the wall and stands up). Everything that's happened and that was the final straw. Because at that moment I just wanted it all to end.
TOSHIKO (PRE-LAP, from comm.) : Owen.
Owen closes his eyes.
INT. MAIN HOUSE - PARKER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Owen's head is down on Parker's chest. The Pulse is glowing dangerously bright next to him.
TOSHIKO (from comm.) : Owen, can you hear me ? Owen doesn't respond. INTERCUT WITH :
INT. THE HUB
TOSHIKO (firmly) : Owen, come in !
Owen stirs.
OWEN (mumbles) : Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
TOSHIKO : The device ? Is it doing anything ? (Owen glances at the Pulse). Because the energy levels coming from it are... Owen ? It's going off the screen. INTERCUT WITH : The bright light on Toshiko's monitor grows brighter and brighter with waves of energy emitting from the source.
TOSHIKO : It's going to explode ! INTERCUT WITH :
JACK : Tosh ? What can we do ?
TOSHIKO : Nothing ! There's nothing ! Gwen and Ianto head toward Toshiko. Owen reaches for the Pulse. He's strangely calm about it.
OWEN : It's okay. I'm going to hold it.
JACK : Owen, what are you doing ?
OWEN (from comm) : See if I can absorb it.
TOSHIKO : Owen, the energy reading's off the scale. You won't survive. Owen tucks the Pulse in the crook of his arm and cradles it close to his body.
OWEN : It's okay. These things happen.
MARTHA : There must be something we can do.
OWEN (from comm) : Martha, Martha.
MARTHA : Owen ?
OWEN : If it destroys me, they're going to need a new doctor. You've got all the credentials : medical skills, a cracking arse. Toshiko, Gwen and Ianto listen. Everyone is quiet. He means it.
OWEN : Jack ? If you even attempt to bring me back again. Gwen, Ianto, it was fun. Honestly, thank you. Tosh ? (Silence) Tosh ? Come on, answer me.
TOSHIKO : Owen.
OWEN : I'm sorry. Beat.
TOSHIKO : I love you. Waves of colored light float out of the Pulse as it grows and ribbons out... reaching. Owen closes his eyes and holds onto the Pulse. The light continues to grow and reach out past Owen.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT - PRESENT
Owen and Maggie are up on the roof.
MAGGIE : What happened ?
OWEN : We all assume life's going to be sh1t, don't we ? That it's all just darkness. But you know what ? Sometimes, it's not. Owen gets off the wall. He kneels and opens his backpack on the ground. He takes out the Pulse. Bursts of ribbons of light continue to fluctuate out from the device. He turns and shows it to Maggie. She kneels to look at it, enraptured by it.
MAGGIE : What is it ?
OWEN : Do you remember in the '70s, NASA sent messages into space ? A map of our solar system, pictures of what we look like. It had images and voices, music. Even a bit of Chuck Berry. Well, this is a reply, not that we know who from.
MAGGIE : What does it do ?
OWEN : It sang to me. He holds it up to her. A ribbon of light reaches out from the device. It floats and waves back and forth between them.
OWEN : It's a glimmer of light in the darkness. See ? Sometimes it does get better. They take a moment and watch the light.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. CARDIFF CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT
EXT. THE PLAZA - NIGHT
Jack, Owen and Martha get out of the SUV. Gwen and Ianto join them. Owen turns and helps Martha out of the back seat.
OWEN : Well, I'm sorry, Dr. Jones. No vacancies in Cardiff just yet.
MARTHA : That's okay. I reckon you're... I was going to say "fine", but you're a hell of a lot more than that.
OWEN : Thank you. For everything. Owen kisses Martha on the cheek. He gives her a hug.
JACK (interrupts) : Oi ! Jack smiles.
MARTHA : That's what I'm here for. Martha goes over to Gwen, who gives her a hug.
GWEN : You take care.
MARTHA : Okay. Martha gives Ianto a kiss on the cheek. She turns to Jack.
MARTHA : Well, it's been... interesting.
JACK : Oh, it's been fun. (Soft) You know it has. Martha surprises Jack and kisses him. She steps back and he looks at her curiously.
MARTHA (chuckles) : Well, everyone else has had a go. He cups her cheek and looks at her seriously.
JACK : You can so come back anytime.
MARTHA : Well, maybe I will. One day. She taps her fingers to her forehead in a salute. Jack salutes her. Martha walks away with her bag and case.
INT. THE HUB - NIGHT
Toshiko and Owen sit on the couch and talk.
TOSHIKO : Promise me something.
OWEN : What's that ?
TOSHIKO : No more locking it all away. You tell me when it's bad. Share it with me. Okay ?
OWEN (nods) : Okay. Tosh, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I close my eyes I'll get trapped, in the darkness. She holds onto his arm.
TOSHIKO : I'm here. Owen thinks about it for a moment, then puts his hand on hers. She puts her other hand on his.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT
Owen is walking along the sidewalk. As he walks, something flutters to the ground right in front of him. He picks it up and finds that it's a folded photo of a man and woman. He thinks about it for a moment. Where could it have come from? He looks up and sees a young woman on the edge of the rooftop.
OWEN (v.o.) : And that's when I saw you.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT - PRESENT
MAGGIE : I thought you came here to jump ?
OWEN : No, I came here to help.
He returns her folded photo back to her. She takes it and opens it.
MAGGIE : What do I do now ?
OWEN : You've got a choice. If you think that the darkness is too much, then go for it. But if there is a chance, just some hope. It could be having a cigarette, or that first sip of hot tea on a cold morning, or it could be your mates, if there's even a tiny glimmer of light then don't you think that's worth taking a chance ? Maggie's quiet.
OWEN : What's your name ?
MAGGIE : Maggie. Maggie Hopley. With his free hand, Owen holds Maggie's hand. In his other hand, he's holding the Pulse which has now blossomed with even more ribbons of light.
OWEN : Well, Maggie, it's up to you. Your choice. (Owen looks at the Pulse). Do you still want to jump ? They stand there together.
OWEN (v.o.) : My name is Owen Harper and this is my life. The ribbons of light reach out and grow from the Pulse. It zooms out, twists, curls and reaches out toward the city.


MUSIC IN:
(SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
TONY: Lieutenant Lara Hill. Stop number forty six on the boredom express.
ZIVA: Cheer up. This could be fun.
TONY: If I wanted to knock on doors all day, I would have joined UPS.
ZIVA: Trust me. Brown is not your most flattering color.
TONY: You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?
ZIVA: We're looking for a mole in the Pentagon, Tony. Espionage just so happens to be one of my specialties.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
TONY: We're interviewing code geeks. They're not even sure there is a mole.
ZIVA: Don't you find it a bit coincidental that every time the Navy breaks a Venezuelan code, it changes almost instantly?
(SFX: TONY YAWNS)
ZIVA: All right. I'm trying the back door.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BACK YARD - DAY
(SFX: GATE OPENS)
TONY: Relax, Ziva David. We're dealing with a Naval Officer. Not Doctor Evil.
ZIVA: Well, she didn't show up for work or her interview with us. No one has been able to reach her by phone.
TONY: She probably overslept.
ZIVA: I believe in being prepared.
TONY: So do Boy Scouts. Why didn't you bring Webelos McGee with you?
ZIVA: I tried. He was busy.
TONY: I've got an idea. How about if I shove you right through here? Huh?
(F/X: CAT SCAMPERS FROM THE HOUSE)
(SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS)
ZIVA: Don't tell me you're afraid of a little pussy - cat, Tony?
TONY: (BEAT) It looks like blood.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
TONY: I knew something was wrong the minute I got out of the car, Probie. Instinct. Pure and simple. Either you got it or you don't.
MCGEE: Yeah, well I heard you squealed like a little squirrel when the cat jumped out at you.
TONY: I was saving this for Ziva, but since you volunteered... find the little beast. Got blood on his paws. It's evidence.
MCGEE: I'm allergic to cats.
TONY: Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Try holding your breath.
DUCKY: Our Lieutenant suffered a single gunshot wound, Jethro, to the right temple...
GIBBS: Through and through.
DUCKY: Yeah.
GIBBS: Impacted here. Round's still in the book, Duck.
DUCKY: Sadly, one less reader in the world.
JIMMY: Who committed suicide. Or maybe she was just cleaning her gun too close to her head.
GIBBS: DiNozzo.
TONY: NCIS investigates all suicides as homicides until proven otherwise, Palmer.
JIMMY: Got it.
GIBBS: T.O.D., Duck?
DUCKY: Nine, nine thirty this morning. What time was her interview scheduled for today?
GIBBS: Ten hundred.
ZIVA: Gibbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
ZIVA: I found it taped underneath the bureau.
GIBBS: Hundreds and fifties. Non-sequential. Maybe fifty, sixty grand.
TONY: Looks like we found our mole, Boss. Knew she was cornered. No way out. NCIS closing in.
ZIVA: She could have run, Tony. Suicide is only for when you know you're going to be captured.
TONY: For you, maybe. This doesn't exactly look like the bedroom of a hardcore super secret agent chick.
ZIVA: I have stuffed animals. Okay, I was twelve. But still, I mean...
GIBBS: She could have been coerced.
ZIVA: To be a mole?
TONY: He means to kill herself.
GIBBS: I mean both, DiNozzo. How many suicides you know make their beds before they off themselves?
TONY: Want me to inform Lieutenant Hill's Command about her death, Boss?
GIBBS: Nope.
TONY: He wants to tell him himself. That way he can gauge the response.
GIBBS: DiNozzo.
TONY: On your six, Boss.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Get the couch, bookcase, and carpets to Abby.
TONY: Oh. On it.
GIBBS: McGee!
MCGEE: Yeah, Boss?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(SFX: MCGEE SNEEZES)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE CHASES THE CAT)
MCGEE: He's really quick, Boss.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) All right, I'll hold. McGee, you go that way. I'll go this way. We'll corner the guy. You've got to be very careful with animals. They're... tricky.
(SFX: CAT B.G.)
GIBBS: Hey!
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAT WALKS INTO THE CARRIER)
TONY: Or you can just do that.
GIBBS: With me. We're going to the Pentagon.
MCGEE: Cryptology unit?
GIBBS: I need you to translate.
TONY: He needs you to speak the geek for him, McGeekle.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, find a home for that thing!
(SFX: CAT B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CRYPTO UNIT - DAY
(SFX: VOICES B.G.)
DORN: Agent Gibbs. I understand you've got an investigation to run, but I'd appreciate a courtesy call before you show up here to interview any more of my people.
GIBBS: We're not here to interview your people today, Captain Dorn.
DORN: What happened?
GIBBS: Lieutenant Hill.
DORN: Well, what? She didn't show up for her interview at NCIS today?
GIBBS: Nope.
DORN: Well, if she's running late, I can tell you there's a good reason. She's one of my--
MCGEE: We know the reason.
GIBBS: She's dead.
DORN: How?
MCGEE: Appears to be suicide.
DORN: Let's continue this conversation in my office.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OFFICE - DAY
DORN: These... cryptographers. They're not like us. Their lives are by patterns and numbers. To tell you the truth, I don't understand half of it. But they're pretty tightly wound and Lieutenant Hill was no different.
GIBBS: You're saying she was suicidal?
DORN: I'm saying that she was withdrawn. She was socially awkward, had obsessive-compulsive traits.
MCGEE: Well none of that was in her medical record.
DORN: No, and it wouldn't be! These people are recruited based on their abilities, and sometimes it's a thin line between genius and...
GIBBS: Insanity.
DORN: Look, a lot of these people tend to be naturally paranoid, and this mole hunt hasn't helped. My entire section's on edge.
GIBBS: They should be.
DORN: If there's a leak, I am telling you right now it is not coming from my people.
MCGEE: We found sixty thousand dollars hidden in Lieutenant Hill's home.
GIBBS: She ended up dead instead of attending the interview she had today. What does that tell you?
DORN: (INTO PHONE) Lieutenant Hall?
HALL: (FILTERED) Sir?
DORN: (INTO PHONE) We are now in lockdown. I want all the work secured and the section restricted to quarters until further notice.
HALL: Yes, Sir. (V.O./OVER INTERCOM) Attention! Initiate emergency Plan Alpha. Shut down your systems and secure classified material. When complete, report to your quarters until further notice.
DORN: Okay. What now?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
TONY: Hey, buddy. Look what I got! Who found your favorite little carrot toy? Come here. Come here. Here. Yeah. Good kitty. (SFX: CAT MEOWS B.G.)
(SFX: CAT SCREECHES/ HISSES)
TONY: Yah!
(SFX: LAUGHTER)
TONY: You think that's funny, Probies? Huh? Did I hear a little chuckle back here in the peanut gallery? Is that it? You want to know how the blood got there? Hm? You think that's funny? I'll tell you how it got there. Garfield over there. We found that animal feasting on this woman's face. Doctor Mallard thinks that this kitty cat is rabid. Me? I'm of the opinion that it's a man eater. He likes the taste of human flesh. It starts with the cheeks. Then it moves to the lips. Soft lips. Then it works on the tongue a little bit until it's just a little nub. A lot of blood in the tongue. Guys, there was blood spewing from this poor woman's maw. Get a kick out of this now? You think this is funny, Chuckle Head. That's what it was feasting on when we found it. It took four tranquilizers and three--
ZIVA: That's very dramatic, Tony. Can we get back to work now?
TONY: You heard the lady, probies. And careful with that because it is evidence. (LAUGHS) I never get tired of it. What'd you find out?
ZIVA: The neighbors were at work. The woman next door - she was actually there, but she didn't hear anything.
TONY: I wish I had a neighbor like that. The old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?
ZIVA: Shouting of, "No means no!?"
TONY: Huh. That's a good one, but not even close.
ZIVA: I was actually kidding.
TONY: Oh.
ZIVA: I have the same problem at my place, Tony.
TONY: Really? You have a surround system too?
ZIVA: No. I'm what you Americans like to call a screamer, yes?
(SFX: ZIVA CHUCKLES)
(PHONE RINGS)
TONY: Answer it.
ZIVA: Well, what do you want me to say?
TONY: I don't know. Scream something.
HILL: (RECORDED VOICE) This is Lara. Leave a message.
BOB: (V.O./FILTERED) Hi, Miss Hill. This is Bob calling with a special offer.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hello, this is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You called a crime scene. We're wiretapping this phone, so please be advised that we will be contacting you at your home.
BOB: (V.O./FILTERED) My home?
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Anytime day or night. Probably during the weekend, early in the morning.
BOB: (V.O./FILTERED) All right.
TONY: That was fun. Telemarketers. You can't escape them even when you're dead.
ZIVA: Ooh, speaking about escape?
TONY: Nobody move!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude, Mister Palmer.
JIMMY: Because it makes an ass out of you and me?
DUCKY: Is this the best time for an attempt at humor?
JIMMY: Um, no.
DUCKY: We must strive for excellence, Mister Palmer. Go the extra mile.
JIMMY: I understand.
DUCKY: Do you now? Oh, that's good. What exactly was your assumption?
JIMMY: Well, the Instant Gunshot Residue Test came back positive.
DUCKY: Yeah.
JIMMY: She had a pistol in her hand. She has a hole in her head. It would seem reasonable to conclude suicide, Sir.
DUCKY: There's nothing reasonable about a lovely young girl like this taking her life in such a grotesque fashion. It's true firearms are the most common instrument of suicide. However, women tend to avoid the proximity of the face when pulling the trigger. Vanity, Mister Palmer. Simple vanity.
JIMMY: We're not finished with the external exam, are we, Sir?
DUCKY: Well, you're not. You're so sure that the cause of death was suicide. Why don't you work out how you would prove it?
JIMMY: You want me to...
DUCKY: Finish the external exam. Clean, measure - you know, the usual. You think you can do that?
JIMMY: Absolutely, Doctor!
DUCKY: Then work through the procedure, item by item. Make whatever notes you can.
JIMMY: Right. Oh, thank you, Doctor.
DUCKY: Have her ready for autopsy two o'clock tomorrow.
JIMMY: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: That's why I never had pets.
ZIVA: You've never had any pets?
TONY: Well, I had sea monkeys once.
ZIVA: What's a sea monkey?
TONY: Basically brine shrimp swimming around in green water. I know. I thought the same thing.
ZIVA: What happened to them?
TONY: My mother got their sea castles confused with her mint julep.
ZIVA: Your mother drank your monkeys?
TONY: It was the seventies.
GIBBS: It explains a lot, DiNozzo.
GIBBS: Hey boss? I went through Lieutenant Hill's background.
ZIVA: Her phone records, credit card bills, personal habits. There's no discernible patterns.
TONY: Yet. She's a cryptographer, Ziva. We could be dealing with a real pro here, Boss.
GIBBS: Well, DiNozzo, if she was a pro, she wouldn't have killed herself.
MCGEE: (V.O.) You should have heard the guy, Abby.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. GARAGE - DAY
MCGEE: I mean, just because you (ON CAMERA) have an aptitude for math and science, it does not make them some kind of suicidal freak.
ABBY: A little higher, McGee.
MCGEE: Is that what people think about us?
GIBBS: Ask me later, McGee. Oh, this better be work related.
ABBY: Oh, it is. And you're just in time for the show and tell portion. McGee, if you will. So Lieutenant Hill sits down on the couch, puts the gun to her head, and bang! I said "bang," McGee.
MCGEE: Bang.
ABBY: I matched the bullet found in the book to the Kahr nine-millimeter in the victim's hand. Looks like a suicide, right?
GIBBS: Except.
ABBY: When a weapon is used at this close of range, there's extensive blood splatter from the exit wound. But blow-back also creates a fine mist of blood which lands here. Imperceptible to the human eye, but not to the magic of modern science. You're still dead, McGee.
GIBBS: And?
ABBY: Two steps away... voila!
GIBBS: Footprints.
ABBY: Exactly. Which means....
GIBBS: Somebody else was in the room.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
TONY: No evidence of forced entry. No bruises or marks to show that she was forced to pull the trigger or unconscious when she died. All we have is this... the Rorschach test from hell.
ZIVA: You believe Abby may be mistaken?
TONY: Well, I believe it's going to be tough to prove the suicide was faked when all you got is two partial footprints.
ZIVA: She could have been drugged. The killer could have placed the pistol in her hand and pulled the trigger.
TONY: The initial tox screens all came back negative.
ZIVA: Some narcotics are hard to trace. And as for no evidence of forced entry, we could be dealing with a trained assassin.
TONY: Or she knew her killer, Ziva. Probie, it's about time! I'm starving like Lee Marvin!
MCGEE: Well, then you shouldn't have sent me for the world's greatest barbecue because I had to wait in line for an hour.
TONY: It will be worth it.
MCGEE: You're welcome. Hey, Boss. Did you want something too, because, well, it's just that you never order.... I can... I can go back. I'll go back.
GIBBS: Sit down. No one has earned dinner yet!
ZIVA: I agree, though I doubt this qualifies as dinner. In fact, I'm not even sure what this is. A Sea monkey?
TONY: Goat. I'm pretty sure it's kosher.
ZIVA: Maybe. But... still disgusting.
GIBBS: There is a mole in the Pentagon and our only lead lies dead on a slab in Autopsy. I want answers!
MCGEE: Boss? We ran the serial number on the murder weapon found in Hill's apartment. We just got a match. Purchased six months ago by this woman.
ZIVA: Lieutenant Keira Napleton? We just...
TONY: Interviewed her last week. She's in the same crypto unit as Hill.
ZIVA: Looks like we didn't do such a good job.
TONY: We'll bring her in.
GIBBS: DiNozzo!
TONY: We'll bring her in now. We'll eat dinner later.
GIBBS: (CHEWING) Good goat.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
GIBBS: I'm Special Agent Gibbs.
NAPLETON: Keira Nap - I mean, Lieutenant Keira Napleton, Sir. Middle name, IngBall. Family name on my father's side. Most people would find it --
GIBBS: You're not here because of a middle name, Lieutenant.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
ZIVA: This woman is a total turd! (BEAT) A geek, yes?
TONY: The term is nerd.
ZIVA: Whatever. I'm just saying it's hard to picture her as a killer.
TONY: Remember the time that we Super Glued McGeek's face to his desk?
ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) Yes. That's a good point.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
NAPLETON: Am I to assume I'm in some form of legal trouble? I only ask because no one has informed me of my Article Thirty One rights yet, Sir.
GIBBS: Want me to read them to you?
NAPLETON: Actually I have them memorized.
GIBBS: Good. That'll save time.
NAPLETON: I was interviewed by NCIS, Sir. I am not a... a traitor to my country.
GIBBS: Hm? What about her?
NAPLETON: You think Lara was the mole?
GIBBS: Tell me about her.
NAPLETON: Well, she was Catholic, liked to play softball. Her left leg was longer than her right.
GIBBS: I'm more interested in her being dead, Lieutenant!
NAPLETON: I don't know, Sir. Perhaps she was depressed?
GIBBS: Enough to blow her head off?
NAPLETON: She... she shot herself?!
GIBBS: With this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
GIBBS: (FILTERED) A Kahr nine millimeter. Yours. What was that doing at her house?
NAPLETON: (FILTERED) The real estate market being what it is--
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
NAPLETON: ... Being what it is and the forecasted projections over the next several--
GIBBS: Lieutenant!
NAPLETON: I have orders for Norfolk, Sir. So I sold my townhouse. Lara let me stay with her until I shipped out.
GIBBS: Convenient.
NAPLETON: Most people would think so, but the commute really wasn't that much better...
GIBBS: Meaning, she wasn't alone when the trigger was pulled.
NAPLETON: You think I was .... I was there with her? Sir, if I was...I would have stopped her.
GIBBS: Where were you?
NAPLETON: At... I was at Alphonse's last night. My boyfriend.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
NAPLETON: (FILTERED) I went straight to work from his house.
TONY: I don't believe it.
ZIVA: She appears to be telling the truth.
TONY: No, I mean the part about her having a boyfriend.
ZIVA: Oh.
TONY: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: I need his number and address.
NAPLETON: I would appreciate it if you kept this quiet, Agent Gibbs. My parents... they still think I'm a virgin.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
DORN: How much longer is this going to take, Agent McGee?
MCGEE: Ah, hard to say, Captain. Agent Gibbs doesn't like to be interrupted during interrogation.
DORN: It's almost zero two in the morning.
GIBBS: Oh, we're just getting started here, Skipper.
DORN: Agent Gibbs, do you think Lieutenant Napleton's the mole?
GIBBS: She's staying here until we check her alibi.
DORN: Alibi? For what?
GIBBS: It's too soon to say.
DORN: Well, we have another problem now. Our security may have been compromised.
GIBBS: May have?
DORN: After you left today, I conducted a thorough inventory of our section. Every piece of technology was scrutinized. Do you know what this is?
MCGEE: Oh, it's...
GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Oh, yeah. That's one of those... uh... memory doodah things for a computer.
DORN:
DORN: Yeah, basically we use it to transfer data between terminals. At the end of the night they're checked in. They're kept in a vault. (CONT.) They never leave the section. I found this today in its proper place. The only problem is... someone took the memory cartridge out.
GIBBS: Who has access to the vault?
DORN: Two people. Lieutenant Hill and Lieutenant Napleton.
GIBBS: What was on it?
DORN: Could be anything. It holds over two gigs of information.
GIBBS: McGee, bag it. Get a hold of Ziva and Tony. Tell them we're heading out.
MCGEE: I got it. Ah, where to, Boss?
GIBBS: To look for the other doo-dah that goes inside that one.
MCGEE: On it.
DORN: Agent Gibbs, this is my fault. I've already offered my resignation to the Admiral.
GIBBS: Don't fall on your sword yet, Captain. Like I said, we're just getting started here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: The flashcard could be anywhere. If you find it, though, try not to touch the contacts.
ZIVA: Mossad training does not include food service.
(SFX: MCGEE COUGHS)
MCGEE: This thing hasn't been cleaned in years.
TONY: It's a heating duct, McGee. Nobody cleans heating ducts... except for you guys.
ZIVA: Oh, god! It smells like it's been here for a month!
MCGEE: That's exactly why I don't have a roommate.
GIBBS: Roommates are never a good idea.
MCGEE: Did you ever have one, Boss?
GIBBS: Three, McGee. They're called wives.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL SEARCH THE KITCHEN CABINETS/HOUSE FOR THE CHIP)
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
(SFX: ZIVA SNORES)
GIBBS: Pack up. I found it. It looks like they're putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. (BEAT) What?
TONY: Ah, it's a little before our time, Boss.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ZIVA: Find anything, Abby?
ABBY: I pulled a partial print off the flashcard. I'm running it now. Rough night?
ZIVA: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
ABBY: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
ZIVA: It is Saturday, Abby.
ABBY: See? It just got worse. Thanks.
TONY: Do you have any Super Glue, Abs?
GIBBS: What did I tell you about that, DiNozzo?
TONY: His skin might not grow back.
GIBBS: What do we have?
ABBY: The partial print didn't match anyone in the crypto unit, so I'm running it through AFIS and other databases.
GIBBS: McGee.
MCGEE: Uh... I dumped the contents of the flashcard. It's encrypted so we're going to need someone from the crypto section to have access to their codes.
GIBBS: Captain Dorn is coming in later.
ABBY: Well, not so fast, Gibbs. I got a hit. It's from the Office of Foreign Missions.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Name's Simon Roca. He's the Protocol Officer at the Embassy of Venezuela.
ZIVA: He's got an apartment in the Watergate. Been on station since last June.
TONY: Well, if Lara Hill was selling code, Roca could be the source of the money we found.
TONY: Killed her because he was afraid she wouldn't hold up under questioning.
MCGEE: We bringing him in?
GIBBS: We can't.
MCGEE: Can't? He murdered a Naval Officer, Boss!
TONY: He has a license to kill, McGee.
ZIVA: He's got full diplomatic immunity.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) What can the State Department do for NCIS at seven thirty on a Saturday, Agent Gibbs?
GIBBS: I've got a dead Naval Officer who might be a mole. Evidence connects her to a foreign diplomat.
LEVINSON: What country?
GIBBS: Venezuela. His name is Simon Roca.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) Bad choice. Pick another.
GIBBS: I want to question him.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) You are aware of our current relations with Venezuela.
GIBBS: They are about to get worse.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) They've already accused us of meddling in their internal affairs. The Venezuelan Petroleum Minister has threatened to cut off future oil shipments and to close their refineries in the U.S.
GIBBS: Sounds like a real headache. What time can I question him?
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) The man has diplomatic immunity, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: The man's a foreign intelligence officer who murdered a Navy Lieutenant.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) You have proof of this?
GIBBS: Her death was made to look like a suicide.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) Meaning you can't prove it.
GIBBS: His prints were found on classified Pentagon hardware recovered from the dead woman's home.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) The Vienna Convention exists for a reason, Agent Gibbs. If you can prove he committed murder, I mean, prove.
GIBBS: By the time I prove it, Roca will have left the country.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) Then we take your proof to the Secretary, and if she signs off on it? We then ask Venezuelan Foreign Mission to waive his immunity. Not very likely.
GIBBS: And he walks for murder?
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) I don't make the rules, Agent Gibbs. I do, however, expect you to follow them. Until we give you permission, you can't question Roca. Where's he going? Gibbs! Gibbs!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
MCGEE: Hey, Boss!
TONY: Nice try, Probie. Power nap, Boss. Doorman at the Watergate hasn't seen Roca for the past two days. He's probably holed up inside their embassy.
GIBBS: Take Ziva. Find out. You can't question him.
TONY: Gonna be awful hard to get answers if I can't ask questions.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, if it was easy, I would send Joe the Janitor.
ZIVA: Customs hasn't checked his passport in the last twenty four hours. He's most likely still in country.
MCGEE: Not for long. The Venezuelan Embassy booked a private jet this morning out of Loudoun County Airport.
GIBBS: (BEAT) To leave when, McGee?
MCGEE: Sorry. Ah, today. Simon Roca's name is listed as a passenger.
GIBBS: We need to tie Roca to Lieutenant Hill's murder before he boards that plane. Go! Go! How do we prove the Lieutenant's death wasn't a suicide?
ABBY: In a day?
GIBBS: Abby, I think she was unconscious when it happened.
ABBY: If Ducky can examine the brain tissue and send me a sample, I might be able to prove that.
GIBBS: Yeah, do it.
ABBY: Um... Ducky doesn't get in until noon. Do you want me to call him or do you want the pleasure?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS SEDAN - DAY
ZIVA: You know, I've been thinking, Tony. Remember when we were locked in that container and you told me you used to take piano lessons? Well, I think you should start again. I could teach you. Who knows, maybe it could be fun. Tony! Ha. But I'm sure you'd make a lousy student anyway.
TONY: (BEAT) Do it and die, Amadeus.
ZIVA: I thought you were asleep.
TONY: You thought wrong. I was meditating.
ZIVA: About?
TONY: When you said you were a screamer, you did mean...
ZIVA: I did. Ooh, we've got company.
(SFX: KNOCK ON WINDOW)
LYON: This is a restricted zone. You can't park here.
TONY: NCIS. We are looking for Venezuelan Protocol Officer Simon Roca.
LYON: Ah, Don Juan. We give them nicknames. Helps relieve the boredom. People seem to think Secret Service is like Clint Eastwood, protecting the President.
TONY: Yeah, in the Line of Fire. It's a good movie.
LYON: Yeah, I wish it were that exciting. How do you like NCIS?
TONY: It has its moments.
LYON: Good hours?
ZIVA: You asked on the wrong day. Is Roca in or not?
LYON: As a matter of fact, he is, which is unusual.
TONY: Why is that?
LYON: I've been here over a year, Don Juan's never spent the night before. Day guy logged him in at eleven sixteen a.m. yesterday.
TONY: Looks pretty refreshed to me.
ZIVA: (V.O.) Who is that with him?
LYON: That's Don Juan's driver. Looks like they're getting ready to go for a ride.
TONY: All right, thanks.
LYON: (V.O.) You bet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, Boss. Roca's inside the embassy.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Looks like he's taking sanctuary until his flight.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Stay on station and set up a video link to MTAC. I want to know when he moves.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) On it. (TO ZIVA) You weren't planning on sleeping, were you?(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
ZIVA: Not unless you're planning on taking a shower anytime soon.
TONY: What's that supposed to mean?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
JIMMY: I don't know about this, Abby. Doctor Mallard won't even let me sit in his chair without supervision.
ABBY: That's because you mess with the height adjustments, Jimmy. You... can... do this.
JIMMY: This is not a good idea.
ABBY: We don't have time to wait for Ducky on this, okay? What comes first? The saw?
JIMMY: Careful, okay? These are all in a very specific order.
ABBY: Stop being so Palmer, Jimmy.
JIMMY: All right. I will need a scalpel.
ABBY: Jimmy, are you really going to do this, or am I?
JIMMY: I'll do it.
DUCKY: What exactly are you two doing?
JIMMY: Oh, Doctor Mallard! I uh... um... the thing is, I... she made me do it!
DUCKY: Well, everything seems to be in order. Why don't you begin, Mister Palmer, while I get changed?
JIMMY: You're... you're not mad?
DUCKY: Work cannot stop, Mister Palmer, because my mother's nurse elects to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
ABBY: So what'd you do with your mom?
VICTORIA: Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
DUCKY: We did go for a ride, Mother.
VICTORIA: Oh, well very well. You drive too fast, Donald. Is that our housekeeper?
DUCKY: Mother, Mrs. Leary left for Ireland ten years ago.
JIMMY: Hello, Mrs. Mallard!
VICTORIA: Oh. Ask the boy to pour me a drink.
DUCKY: We're not at home, Mother. And Jimmy is not a servant.
VICTORIA: Very well. I shall do it myself.
DUCKY: Abby, would you do me a favor? I mean, just until we finish?
VICTORIA: Oh, have you seen....
ABBY: Of course. Mrs. Mallard? Would you like to see my mass spectrometer?
VICTORIA: What a charming young lady. Of course I would, my dear. What is a mass speedometer? Does it move very fast?
ABBY: Well...(SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS SEDAN - DAY
TONY: Can I ask you a question?
ZIVA: Yes.
TONY: You really think I smell?
ZIVA: I was just kidding.
(SFX: FLATULENCE)
TONY: What about now?
ZIVA: You are disgusting. You do that again and I'll shoot you. Got it? Oh!
TONY: Start the car.
ZIVA: What good is that going to do when you're still in it?!
(SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS)
TONY: It's Roca's car.
ZIVA: (INTO RADIO) Gibbs, Roca's leaving.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
MCGEE: Boss, the private jet he booked is refueled and standing by. The diplomat's car's considered foreign soil. It's as sovereign as the embassy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - DAY
TONY: What do we do?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
GIBBS: Delay him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
TONY: Okay, here we go.(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
VICTORIA: Hippopotamus amphibious. The river horse. I once swam with them while I was on safari in Kenya. Oh, dear. My apologies.
(SFX: FLATULENCE)
ABBY: Oh, no. That's Bert, the hippo. He's supposed to do that.
VICTORIA: Really? How delightful! Reminds me of my bagpipe-playing days. Did you know that without those longshoremen tattoos and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?(SFX: FLATULENCE)
ABBY: Thank you.
VICTORIA: I hated her. She once tried to sleep with my late husband while he was still alive.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
DUCKY: Mother! I'm sure Abigail doesn't want to hear any more of our family troubles.
ABBY: It's fine, Ducky. We're having a good time.
DUCKY: Brain tissue. I need a full rundown on that.
VICTORIA: Donald, did you sleep with her?
DUCKY: Mother, please!
VICTORIA: Honestly, it's about time I had some grandchildren. He isn't getting any younger. You need to move fast.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SEDAN - MOVING
TONY: How exactly does Gibbs expect us to delay him?
ZIVA: I have a plan. Buckle your seatbelt.
TONY: What?
ZIVA: Buckle.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: TIRES SCREECH)
TONY: Come on, look out! Look out! Look out!
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: CAR CRASH)
ZIVA: (IN HEBREW) I'm really sorry.
It's all my fault.
ZIVA: (IN HEBREW) I'm really sorry. It's all my fault.
(ZIVA AND TONY LOOK INSIDE THE CAR)
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. MTAC - DAY
MCGEE: Boss, this was recorded five minutes ago. It looks like Roca managed to avoid Tony and Ziva.
GIBBS: You think, McGee?
MCGEE: His plane is scheduled to depart within the hour. I guess we can't win them all. I mean, he--
GIBBS: The plane hasn't left yet. Delay it.
MCGEE: How exactly?
GIBBS: Call the control tower. Tell them there's a possible security risk, make something up!
MCGEE: Can we do that?
GIBBS: I don't know, McGee! Can you?
TECHNICIAN: Feed from the State Department is coming in, Sir.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) What the hell were your people thinking, Agent Gibbs? That was a diplomatic vehicle they rammed.
GIBBS: You told us that we couldn't question Roca. He wasn't in the vehicle. What's the problem?
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) You don't understand the implications this'll--
GIBBS: Are you worried about insurance? NCIS has excellent coverage.
LEVINSON: You're straining an already tenuous situation...
GIBBS: We both know that Roca is no diplomat. He's a foreign spy operating on American soil.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) Then prove it!
GIBBS: Give me permission to take him into custody. If it helps, tell your people that he may have documents vital to our national security.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) All right. I'm going to start the paperwork from this end.
GIBBS: How long?
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) If I fast track the request... maybe a week.
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Thank you very much. (TO GIBBS) Okay, I called the control tower, convinced them to re-screen all the passengers. It's uh... a small airport. It'll delay them an hour or two at the most.
GIBBS: Roca is on a private jet right now. He's leaving the country.
LEVINSON: (ON MONITOR) Well, then the best I can do is lodge a formal complaint with the embassy and bar him from returning to the States.
GIBBS: He's not coming back, Levinson! He is getting away with murder.
(SFX: WARNING HORNS/BUZZERS B.G.)
TECHNICIAN: Someone's trying to gain access into MTAC with an unauthorized code, Sir!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
GIBBS: Hello?
VICTORIA: This thing must be broken. I can't see anyone dancing in there.
TECHNICIAN: Sir?
GIBBS: We're clear. It's okay.
TECHNICIAN: Should I get State back?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GIBBS: For what? Ah, Mrs. Mallard, are you looking for your son?
VICTORIA: Young man, have we met before?
GIBBS: Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Ma'am.
VICTORIA: Of the Southampton Gibbses?
GIBBS: Why don't we see if we can't find Doctor Mallard, all right?
VICTORIA: You're very handsome, Matthew. Are you... are you married?(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
JIMMY: I'm so sorry, Doctor Mallard. I just turned my back for a second.
DUCKY: Not to worry, Jimmy. I lose her all the time.
JIMMY: She's really fast for her age.
DUCKY: Yes, I'll call security.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
VICTORIA: (V.O.) Yes, you may find it hard to believe, (ON CAMERA) but Donald was the cutest child. He had long, curly blond hair. Everybody thought he was a girl until he was twelve... when his voice changed.
DUCKY: Mister Palmer, will you chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I found?
VICTORIA: I'm still waiting for that drink, Leonard!
DUCKY: I'm certain the shot to Lieutenant Hill's head was peri-mortem based on the lack of tissue reaction in her brain. When she was shot, she was unconscious.
GIBBS: How'd she get that way?
DUCKY: This is the Lieutenant's head and neck. The left superior carotid artery is narrowed. Restricted blood flow.
GIBBS: Choke-hold.
DUCKY: Slight pressure for ten seconds will render a victim unconscious and leaves no external bruising. I gave Abby some brain tissue samples to check for CO two levels.
GIBBS: Any way to tie Roca to it?
DUCKY: Well, he didn't leave any prints on her skin. There's a chance that some of the samples we took from her body could have his DNA. But then we don't have his DNA for comparison. And with diplomatic immunity?
GIBBS: His plane leaves in two hours. Find me something.
VICTORIA: Matthew, I'll be expecting your call. I can't remember my number, but you'll get it from Donald.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
MCGEE: I've tried everything.
DORN: Yeah, it's encrypted, and we change the codes everyday. Can you extract anything that looks like a date?
MCGEE: I can try.
DORN: You know, Lieutenant Hill could barely drive her own car. I find it hard to believe that she could be a mole.
MCGEE: That's probably why she was so successful at it.
DORN: Yeah. Not exactly the way I wanted to end my Naval career. Asleep at the damn switch.
GIBBS: What was on that do-dad thing?
MCGEE: Can't tell yet, Boss.
DORN: I need to get one of my people down here to decode it. Are you still holding Lieutenant Napleton?
GIBBS: Yeah.
DORN: Well, if you've cleared her, I could sure use her help. What? Do you think she's involved?
GIBBS: We're investigating treason, Skipper. Right now I suspect everyone.
DORN: Well, if Hill wasn't the mole, why'd she blow her brains out?
GIBBS: She didn't. She had help. We found a fingerprint on that flash chip thing. Probably the person who did it.
DORN: Napleton?
TONY: The Protocol Officer from the Venezuelan embassy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: Before you ask? No, I haven't found any physical evidence linking Simon Roca to the Lieutenant's murder yet.
GIBBS: That can wait, Abs. I need you to do something else for me. It'll only take a few minutes.
ABBY: I could go faster if I had another one of these.
GIBBS: Too much caffeine is not good for you, Abby. I need you to check this cereal box for GSR.
ABBY: Why?
GIBBS: Because I don't think Lieutenant Hill put the chip in there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: I'm begging you, please.
TONY: No. No way. I don't care how nice you are, how much you bribe me, or how much you threaten me. I'm not filling out the paperwork.
ZIVA: It's not the filing of the accident report I object to. I'd prefer if you said you were driving the car.
TONY: Well, that would be lying, and lying is bad.
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Will you just listen to me!?
TONY: (BEAT) I'm listening.
ZIVA: You're right. I'm sorry. I've been at NCIS for a short while. And it would look very bad to have another accident in my dossier.
TONY: Another accident?
ZIVA: I've had some... difficulties.
TONY: Some indicates more than one. How many?
ZIVA: Is that really important? (BEAT) Three. But the second was not my fault. Now are you going to help me? Yes or no?
TONY: Well, that depends. What's in it for me?
ZIVA: Hm. (LONG BEAT) Anything you want.
TONY: Anything?
GIBBS: Hey! Button your shirt.
TONY: Hey boss, she came into my space and then she...
GIBBS: (OVERLAP) I don't care. Roca's at the damn airport.
TONY: Yeah, that's my fault, Boss. I take full responsibility. I shouldn't have let Ziva drive.
GIBBS: It doesn't fit.
TONY: I know. I talked to my tailor about that. He says the double pointed bespoke tailoring is... but you mean Simon Roca.
GIBBS: He's got diplomatic immunity, DiNozzo. He knows we can't stop him from leaving this country.
ZIVA: So why the shell game with his car? In fact, how did he even know we were on to him?
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. On my way.
(GIBBS HITS TONY)
TONY: What was that for?
GIBBS: Blackmailing your partner.
MCGEE: Boss, the flashcard data is too corrupted to read.
DORN: I'm going to take a copy back to the Pentagon and have my people--
GIBBS: It's too late. Our "person of interest" just got clearance for take off. You want to see the guy who killed your Lieutenant get away? Come on.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS WALKS TO THE STAIRS)
ABBY: Gibbs, come here! You were right!
GIBBS: DiNozzo! David! McGee! You waiting for an invitation?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
DORN: Just like that? He gets a free pass?
MCGEE: When a foreign diplomat is accused of espionage, all we can do is ask him to leave the country.
GIBBS: Roca's doing it on his own.
DORN: Yeah, but if he could walk at any time, why did he murder my Lieutenant?
ZIVA: Without her testimony? Hard to prove a case against him.
DORN: So ... so that's it? There's nothing we can do?
GIBBS: No, I didn't say that, Skip. We can still arrest her murderer. Outside of my team, only two people know how Lieutenant Hill died. Napleton and the person who killed her. How'd you know she shot herself?
DORN: Uh... uh... Napleton told me.
GIBBS: No, she's been in isolation since she found out.
MCGEE: And you were the one who told us about the missing flashcard.
ZIVA: The only thing tying Roca to the case? Convenient, yes?
TONY: Holing up inside the embassy, huh? Booking private planes? You wanted us to focus on Roca.
DORN: But Lieutenant Hill stole that flashcard!
GIBBS: There was gunshot residue on the outside of the cereal box we found it in. The flashcard was put there by the killer after he shot her. She was framed.
DORN: No. Napleton. Napleton could have--
GIBBS: Her alibi checked out, Dorn.
ZIVA: I'm impressed. The diplomat takes the blame. We get our mole. And your cover remains intact, Captain. I'll have to remember that one.
TONY: You could just rent No Way Out.
GIBBS: I'll take it from here. You three go home. Get some rest. Good job. (TO DORN) That resignation you offered the Admiral earlier, I've got a feeling he's going to accept it.
(FADE OUT)


Scene: The Cafeteria
Sheldon: It's not what it looks like. It's not what it looks like.
Leonard: What are you grinding about?
Sheldon: Penny's brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it's not what it looks like.
Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that's what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let's put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj's a**l region for parasites. Oh, boy. That's a true blue friend.
Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.
Sheldon: No, you weren't listening. She said, it's not what it looks like.
Leonard: She lied.
Sheldon: Oh. Well don't I look silly sitting here wearing this? Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cafeteria
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?
Leonard: No, I'm fine with it.
Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I'm going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don't see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can't be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.
Leonard: What the hell is wrong with you?
Howard: Yeah, how could you do that?
Raj: What is it to you?
Howard: I got his back.
Raj: Yeah, right. You're just jealous because it turns out I'm Penny's number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.
Raj: Why do you care so much? You're dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.
Leonard and Howard together: What?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if I may interject, I've decided my rank will be captain. If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it's good enough for me.
Howard: You're not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He's the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.
Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I'm sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half of Koothrapenny.
Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny has a bottle of wine. She can't find a glass. Finds a measuring jug and uses that instead. There is a knock on the door.
Penny: Coming. Yup, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles.
Amy: Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake. Smart idea considering how trampy you get when you've had a few.
Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: Well, I heard who you did.
Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.
Amy: Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?
Penny: No.
Amy: She ruled Russia in the late seventeen hundreds, and one night, when she was feeling particularly randy, she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
Penny: I'm... I'm sorry. What does this have to do with me?
Amy: She engaged in interspecies hanky-panky, and people still call her great. I'm sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.
Scene: Raj's apartment. There is a knock on the door. He opens it.
Bernadette: You jerk face! What did you tell Howard? Did you say there was something going on between us? Because he thinks there is. He's completely freaking out!
Raj: Please, come in.
Bernadette: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj: Well, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette: I'm nice to everyone.
Raj: I'm sorry.
Bernadette: Damn right, you're sorry. And you tell Howard there's never been anything between us.
Raj: I will. Hey, Bernadette?
Bernadette: What?!
Raj: Do you think I have a shot with Penny?
Bernadette: Of course you do. You're a cutie pie. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.
Amy: You can't blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.
Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.)
Sheldon: Subtlety isn't her strong suit, is it?
Penny: Can I stay at your place for a few nights?
Amy: Really? A best friend sleepover? Yay.
Penny: Yeah, sure. Yay!
Amy: We'll make popcorn, stay up all night and I'll teach you my secret language, Op.
Penny: Sounds great.
Amy: Nope. Sounds Gop Rop E A Top.
Penny: Yeah, I'm gonna go pack a bag.
Amy: No, you're not. You're gonna Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.
Leonard: I'm not in the mood, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you're upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)
Leonard: I don't want to talk to Amy.
Sheldon: No, it's not Amy.
Dr Hofstadter: Hello, dear.
Leonard: You called my mother?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
Dr Hofstadter: He's been like that since he was a toddler. Look, Mommy, a butterfly. Maddening.
Leonard: What's going on? What do you want?
Dr Hofstadter: Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
Leonard: That's so nice.
Dr Hofstadter: And we're back to the obvious. Now, what's up?
Leonard: Well, uh, okay, um, I don't want to get back together with Penny. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn't work, but I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj. And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya, who I've been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India. So I'm just completely confused and alone.
Dr Hofstadter: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Dr Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me. You're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is buck up?
Dr Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, sissy pants.
Leonard: Thanks, Mother. I feel much better.
Dr Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.
Scene: Amy's apartment. Amy is brushing Penny's hair.
Amy: Ninety-nine, one hundred. It's like a waterfall of liquid gold. My turn.
Penny: You know, I don't even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven't gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of haemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right? Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
Amy: No, I can't let you do that.
Penny: Why not? (There is a knock on the door)
Amy: For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life. And no pressure, but it kind of lives and dies with you.
Raj: Hi, Amy. Can I talk to Penny?
Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me it does get better.
Penny: How did you know I was here?
Raj: It's all over her Facebook page.
Amy: I'll take your stuff to the bedroom and clear out a drawer.
Penny: Thanks.
Amy: No problem. Try and keep it in your pants, okay?
Penny: So, hi. What's up?
Raj: I was wondering if you're free Friday. They're having a Totally '80s Night at the Greek. Hall & Oates, Katrina and the Waves and three-fifths of Kajagoogoo.
Penny: Oh. Gee, that's really sweet, but the thing is...
Raj: Aw, there's a thing.
Penny: Look, honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should've never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with s*x. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Penny: Come here. Just listen to me. I want to go back to the way we were before. You know, friends. No sprinkles.
Raj: Oh. All right.
Penny: Thank you.
Raj: Well, uh, as your friend, you might like to know that, um, we didn't have s*x in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you, you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and, that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually...
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.
Penny: Oh!
Raj: Penny, please, please promise me you won't tell anybody about this.
Penny: Of course I won't. No, I won't.
Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love burned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, I'm too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Cool. All right friend.
Penny: Hmm.
Raj: I'll see you around.
Penny: Okay. Raj, wait. Thank you for being my friend. (She hugs him.)
Raj: Penny?
Penny: Mm-hmm?
Raj: It's getting beautiful again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: A shed on the paintball range.
Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.
Howard: I don't see anything.
Sheldon: Give it a second to load. Whenever you're ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they're out of sunblock, which means they'll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That's our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won't know what hit them. All right, let's move out.
Leonard: Hang on, Sheldon. How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy pen1s metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you. That was a beautifully written pen1s metaphor.
Leonard: You know what, guys, I'm not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it?
Howard: Fine with me.
Raj: Sure, whatever.
Sheldon: You can't quit. That's a court-martial offence. That's punishable by... You can't quit.
Leonard: Sorry, Sheldon, it's just not a good time for playing games.
Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?
Leonard: Yes, no and no.
Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn't your fault, it's mine. I haven't earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon. I'll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.
Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn't a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)
Howard: Damn those sons of bitches!
Leonard: Let's get 'em!
Sheldon: If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I'd like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.
Howard and Raj: Here, here.
Sheldon: Excuse me. It's Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It's kind of a big deal.
Penny: Hi. You guys have a minute?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, sure.
Penny: Okay. Um. Well, I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for, you know, everything.
Raj: Please, Penny, let me. We've decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you have and can call to mind when you're feeling blue or you're in the shower.
Penny: Hey, what you doing, Quick Draw?
Raj: Sorry. Go on.
Penny: Anyways, I wanted you guys all to know that I've been taking a really hard look at things and come to the conclusion I have to stop kidding myself. I suck at acting. It's time for me to move back to Nebraska.
Leonard: You're leaving?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What are you going to do in Nebraska?
Penny: I don't know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello?
Leonard: Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you're not doing this 'cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you're a single woman.
Penny: Shh! It's my agent, it's my agent. You're kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it! Really? Oh, I'm so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.
Sheldon: What about Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, hell with Nebraska. I'm gonna be a star!
Sheldon (to Leonard): Have you ever thought of teaching physics?
Scene: The apartment. Penny's ad is on the television. She is at a stables.
Actress: Ready to ride?
Penny (on screen): I don't think so, Mom. Not today.
Actress: Oh, sweetie. Haemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny (on screen): You don't know the half of it.
Actress: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny (on screen): Rose-scented Preparation-H for women?
Actress: Now, the H is for Her.
Leonard: I'm proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Actress: How are you doing?
Penny (on screen): Sittin' pretty.