How to care less about teaching? Fifth year math grad student as of this Fall. ABD, currently on target for six years in total.

I have very strong feelings about the way courses should be taught, graded, and organized. I have thought extensively about this issue and experiment with my teaching every chance that I get.

I teach my own course, and spend lots of time on teaching it the right way (according to me). This includes designing my own course plans from scratch, planning engaging lectures, writing my own problem sets, projects, and homework assignments. I also tend to give too much individual attention to students, like holding extra office hours when students have schedule conflicts.

My teaching philosophy is fundamentally at odds with the majority of the lecturers in the department. It makes me feel like a pariah, and privately makes me feel incensed when I see others teaching in a way that I consider unethical. Though I'm not vocal about my disagreements, I have been consistently passed over for teaching awards, despite constant effort, innovation, and shining student evaluations. I wish I didn't care about this.

I know I'm being paid the same as other apathetic TAs who give every lecture off the cuff, assign whichever book problems are easiest to grade, and contribute as little to the education of their students as their contracts will allow. I'm not being paid to be a lecturer, but I'm giving at least a lecturer's effort to this job.

Most importantly, I know that putting this much time, effort, and emotional energy into teaching is taking away from my research. Sometimes I feel terribly guilty after a big exam or project because I realize I haven't even looked at my research in a couple of weeks. My advisor hasn't said anything negative about my progress, but I know I could be doing better.

Every time I try to pull back and adopt a more traditional model, I get depressed and frustrated, because my students aren't learning anything, I'm as bored as they are, and I wonder what the point of my existence even is if I'm just going to give up and be another trash teacher who goes through the motions all day. Especially when I have the ability to be the change I wish to see in academia. (Which maybe isn't my place, but then again, everybody passes the buck, that's why we have this problem.)

How do I get myself to step back and refocus my efforts onto research?



Please note that this differs from this question in that I am not asking whether or not it is possible to balance teaching and research, but specifically on how, emotionally, to scale back a focus on teaching for one who has begun to let it eclipse his research. I know I am making a mental error due to idealism, and I'm trying to figure out how to break out of it.
Superficial solution: Control your behavior with a time budget

Sit down and set priorities for your current life. Your research is probably more important in the long run than the joy you get out of teaching. If you agree with this, set a time budget for each area. E.g. assign 70% of your time for your research and 30% for teaching. Plan your teaching preparation accordingly. If according to this budget you can only spare 2 hours a day for the teaching but making custom exercises takes more, use prepared exercises. Also do not offer additional hours if your daily budget does not allow that. You can use a time tracker software. You may also try to do x hours of research related activities first before you "allow" yourself to spend time on teaching.

In-depth solution: You are not responsible for everyone and nobody will pay you back

It is admirable that you sacrifice yourself for other students. I also had mixed experiences with other tutors and when I became a tutor myself I wanted to do it better and often stayed one or two hours longer to make sure everyone understood the material. It felt like I had an effect on the world and could show them that there are people who care about them. It is a great feeling, BUT...

...will these students help you with your research? Will they give part of their earnings to you when they start working as a thank you for what you have gave them? Probably not. There will be no additional compensation for your excessive commitment. Nobody takes care of you, but you. This is sad, I know, but this is the hard cold reality. Few people care about you, unless they get something out of you. 

Additionally the apathy of the tutors is the shared responsibility of the faculty, not yours alone. Don't let your ideals guilt you into feeling responsible for it.

You are not a trash teacher if you do less

The other teachers might have realized the previous point. Sure some just don't care and are trash teachers but maybe some of them, in their hearts, are just as idealistic as you but realized that spending time on their research or with their families is more important for their life and happiness. They are not ascetic monks that devoted their whole life to the "holy cause of teaching". If you realize that they are not bad teachers but just have created boundaries and a healthy work-life balance you will not be afraid to become one of them because you will not be afraid to be seen as someone who does not care about students but just someone who also has limited his working hours to a healthy pensum.

Make small steps to improve your universities teaching standards

Identify the most hindering problem with the easiest solution. Try to focus on one at a time. I don't know how your department works, but maybe you can mention this in a weekly meeting or talk to the head. Unless you are the head of department you most likely can't change the department on your own, small steps is all you can do.

Think about a teaching career

Not sure if this already crossed your mind but would you consider a career in teaching? It may suit your passion, although it might be depressing if this becomes your profession and you are stuck in a apathetic institution that does not value your dedication.