My PI is publicly humiliating me: Why would a PI do this and what can I do to mitigate the damage from this? My principal investigator (PI) and I tend to get along pretty well; however, he is often moody and has some quirks about him. Sometimes this means that he is in a bad mood and will take it out on me. He is also very gossipy about other people at the university. Nonetheless, he thinks I am doing very well in our lab and in the Biochemistry PhD program. I always keep my cool with him, even if he is stressing me the f*ck out.
However, there are times in which he really likes to pick on me in front of other students/faculty. It is almost exclusively when he has an audience. Sometimes it is benign - a funny joke, or something lighthearted. But other times, it really bothers me and I get extremely embarrassed. The times when it bothers me is when he makes a disparaging remark about something I said (even though he agrees with me), or will embarrass me when I am training an undergraduate research assistant on a protocol in our lab.
He has told me before that I am awkward, which makes me incredibly anxious to talk to him. He is one of those people with zero filter, but am I right in thinking that there has to be a limit to this? Again, he only really embarrasses me in front of other people. When we talk one-on-one, everything seems fine; he will even occasionally tell me that I am talented. I mean, he does talk over me at times, but it is perhaps not abnormal for a male superior-female subordinate mentorship. I am a pretty thick-skinned person, but these interactions are exhausting, anxiety-provoking, and incredibly distracting from how I want to be spending my time (i.e. on research/coursework).
Why is he acting like this? What could I do to mitigate the damage from this? Keep in mind that, ironically, he is very sensitive. I have addressed something with him before and he took it as a personal attack, which indicates that he is often anxious and paranoid himself. Thus, my options are literally to just deal with these feelings in private and push through. This is what I have been doing, but it is starting to get old.
The best way to mitigate the effects of his behavior is to be really, really clear on what's happening and stop making excuses for him. This will help you separate out blaming yourself for something you have no control over: his bad behavior. It's your best chance at preserving your mental health while you have to work with him.
This behavior you describe from him is toxic, and it is very likely intentional. He has demonstrated that he has the self control to not make you uncomfortable in one-on-one interactions. He chooses to make you uncomfortable in front of an audience.
Also, teasing in any context, but especially in professional situations, isn't fun anymore when the target repeatedly shows discomfort. Teasing is only acceptable at work when all parties are benefitting from the relaxed atmosphere.
Finally, his sensitive/negative reaction to you asking him to stop has the following effect: it creates as much friction as possible so that you won't keep complaining and will allow him to continue enjoying making you uncomfortable and embarrassing you.
He is an adult and should be able to handle hearing, &quot;hey, this was all in good fun at first, but I'm not having fun anymore, and I'd like you to stop.&quot; A person managing a lab should have the capacity to listen to that. If he can't handle that conversation, he is the problem, not you, OP.
Also, I would try to avoid speculating about why he's like this or what's going on in his head. It's getting you more wrapped up and emotionally invested in keeping the peace with him, which will make it more painful when he decides to be cruel. Try to decouple from his thoughts/emotions, and just focus on behavior. His behavior is unacceptable. You've asked him to stop, he refuses. That means he's wrong to be saying these things to you. Try to keep that in mind, and hopefully it will help you stay less stressed out and not internalize the negative and inappropriate things he's saying.
ETA: Upon rereading your question, it looks like you may not have directly asked him to stop teasing, but that you know him well enough to know it will go badly. You have the higher moral high ground if you directly ask him to stop, and I would try it once, but you know him best. If he's created an environment where you are sure speaking up will just cause more difficulty, he's still the problem and my advice stands.