I did something I am not proud of, and was rightly accused of cheating by the instructor. What is next for me? A throwaway account for this issue I need advice in. I am in an engineering course and had an online exam (thanks to COVID-19) with no form of protection for cheating, just an "open now, turn in within 2 hours" exam. I spent way too much time perfecting one particular question (I blame my diagnosed test anxiety for that part of this situation), so I, quite moronically may I add, used a resource that I was not allowed to use. I got an email from the instructor saying that I was accused of cheating. 

After fainting once and vomiting twice I read the message and learned that I had 2 options. First of which is to refute and provide evidence in contrary of the accusation, for which I had none. The second option was to accept a zero-marking on the heftily-weighted question, but keep the grade and accept it as the grade on the exam. This was quite a lenient punishment as it was outlined in the syllabus that any form of cheating on any exam will result in a 0 on said exam and a failure within the course. I can only attribute this to the fact that I always went to lecture, actively took notes, asked many questions, and sat in the front row (really like ALL students should do). Therefore, I accepted that option and still ended up with a passing average in the class, because I worked extremely hard to understand the material well (I am not an academically gifted person, may I add.). 

Along with both options, a report of academic misconduct will be reported to the chair of the engineering department of my discipline. From there I am unsure where the situation will go. The university does not have any set-in-stone rules for a situation like this within the academic policy or student guideline book, which is where I turn to  Academia. I have never done anything of this sort and I am unsure on where to turn or where to go next, depending on where this situation escalates to. 

I also fear for my eligibility for security clearances once I graduate (United States). I only fear that this will be seen as a major, major red flag and may result in me unable to gain said clearance, even though I have nothing on my record (not even as minor as a traffic stop). I feel like that will most definitely ruin my career (rightfully so if so, may I add), as any form of my work will most likely require said clearance. But, having never gotten a clearance before, I am unsure about how it will be affected. To anyone who has experience in this realm, is this a major red flag? Should I switch majors now to something where I can get a job without one? 

Regardless of any switching majors, if I lose my academic scholarship for the university (again, rightfully so), I will be forced to drop and/or go far into debt to complete my academic career. Most definitely worth it if so, but still upsetting. Again, this is not set in stone anywhere within the documentation I have access to, so would something like this be a possible/fitting punishment for my academic dishonesty?

I thoroughly understand that this shows that I have little experience in a particular realm of this class, and that in the workforce, if I make a mistake due to it, I may cost lives. If anything, that's the most sickening part of this whole situation. For that reason, I am currently re-studying all material within the class and making sure that I will keep the knowledge that I have been taught. But employers, would you even consider hiring someone like me if you found this out? 

I really appreciate anyone reading this. Please leave any comments about my integrity to the comment section, and not the answer section.
What you are doing is called catastrophizing. This incident, unpleasant and mildly serious though it is, is simply not the life-destroying event you imagine it to be, and you are not the evil person you imagine yourself to be for having committed this act of dishonesty.

In fact, I think the worst aspect of the situation is the negative thoughts you are having about it, which sound like they have a much greater potential to derail your studies, mental health, and (if left unchecked) your future career, than the facts of the actual situation you described.

I can’t comment authoritatively about your specific hypothetical scenarios of losing your clearance, becoming a failure professionally etc, but they simply sound highly implausible based on my years of experience in academia in the US. My advice is, take a deep breath, and seek counseling and advice from knowledgeable people in your institution who can give you:


useful practical information about the possible effects of the cheating on your career (which frankly my guess is will be essentially zero if it’s a one-off incident, although there may be a temporary punishment that could set you back a bit);
separately from that, mental health advice to help you keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed with anxiety.


Good luck!