June 8, 2018 By Lynne
The primary focus of my work with schools is to equip teachers, parents, and teens with the tools to support emotional well-being and to detect risk factors and warning signs related to mental health issues before a suicide attempt occurs.
Unfortunately, as we’re learning after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, even with comprehensive support and treatment—and loving family and friends—people coping with mental illness can still die by suicide.
It’s a tough subject, I know, I’ve experienced this profound grief personally. My sister died by suicide after years of struggling with mental health and substance use issues. And this week’s news is bringing back some painful memories.
Understand and be prepared for:
Guilt—The most common feeling loved ones express after losing someone to suicide is remorse. “Was there something I could have done to prevent this?” In Jill Bialosky’s memoir, History of Suicide, she too grapples with this question. Off and on over the years, she wondered if maybe she’d missed something, a clue. If only she’d known what her sister had planned, or how despondent she was, maybe she could have stopped her. Professionals call this survivor’s guilt and while it’s a common response, those who experience it must work through it in their own time, in their own way. It’s important to come to the conclusion that no one has complete control over another person’s actions.
Shame—How many of us have seen or heard people talking about suicide in hushed whispers, fearful of the reactions of those around us? Bialosky writes, “I also became more sensitive to this tendency when anyone spoke of a suicide; even in her death, I wanted to protect Kim from that kind of ridicule or shame.” She wondered if her sister’s memory would be diminished or tainted by suicide. After my sister’s death, I was open with others about her struggles. No doubt my honesty made some people uncomfortable, but I believe this discomfort is necessary if we’re to end the stigma associated with mental illness.
Anger—I’ve shared in an earlier post that when I was in high school my father died of a heart attack at age forty-seven. Irrational as it was, I admit there were times I was angry at him for leaving me. Feelings like these are normal, yet they’re especially difficult to contend with if you’re grieving a loss related to a loved one’s suicide. That said, it’s important to remember that along with deep depression come some intractable thinking, thoughts that convince a person others will be better off without them.
Relief—For many friends and family, the weeks and months, and sometimes years, leading up to the death of a loved one by suicide have been a rollercoaster of emotion. In cases where repeated psychiatric hospitalizations, incarcerations, and/or inpatient rehab stays have become commonplace, it’s normal to feel a sense of relief that the unpredictable nature of life has come to an end. Sadly, these feelings often cycle back to guilt or shame. While it may feel wrong to be relieved, it’s perfectly normal to grapple with these feelings.
Sadness—Feelings of profound sadness accompany all kinds of grief. Yet a common nuance as it relates to loss through suicide is sadness over lost potential, over the hopes and dreams never to be realized, as well as all the what-could’ve-beens.
I was deeply moved by Jill Bialosky’s History of a Suicide. It’s a beautiful story about two sisters, and a thoughtful exposé about grief and loss and suicide. Above all it is compassionate. I highly recommend reading it, as well as Joan Wickersham’s, A Suicide Index—a memoir about putting her father’s death in order.
Excerpt from Parenting magazine article.
While life often feels like an assembly line of yes-no’s, a healthier approach may revolve less around imposing your will and more around a business-centric tactic: negotiating. What’s that, you say? Doesn’t negotiating mean you’re getting stepped on more often than Times Square? Nope. The key, says Lynne Griffin, author of Negotiation Generation, is to find the middle ground. “They have freedom within the fences, but you decide where the fences are put up. Too many fences built too high only creates a desire to jump them.”
September 6, 2017 By Lynne
Forging Strong Parent-Professional Partnerships
August 7, 2017 By Lynne
Decades of research show that when families and schools partner together, children are better positioned to reach their greatest potential as learners and active members of the school community. There’s simply no doubt that parental involvement is directly linked to students with higher self-confidence and more positive attitudes toward school and learning. From better attendance and higher grades, to better homework completion rates and higher graduation rates, the most consistent predictor of high academic achievement and positive social adjustment for children is engaged parents.
When I collaborate with school staff and parents, I highlight the fundamental belief that all teachers and families want to work collaboratively to support the development of every child. Perhaps they simply lack sufficient skill to do so effortlessly. However, when skills are nurtured, a true partnership allows us to advance the eager reader and the math whiz beyond grade level, develop a child’s ability to organize and plan work effectively, strengthen language skills, and nurture social-emotional development—all critical outcomes of the early education years. With a team approach, we are better able to understand how every child thinks and learns, capitalizing on his or her strengths and working together to support any challenges that may impact learning.
Here are some tips for focusing on partnership…
The Commitment to Parents-As-Partners–What Schools Can Do
Walk the talk. It isn’t enough to say the partnership is important. A true commitment is evident when parents are invited into the school for a variety of child-specific as well as social events and activities.
Our information is your information. When a teacher makes observations or has assessment data about a child, parents are urged to contribute to the plan for education. Whether a child needs to be more challenged or his learning more supported, teachers engage parents in the conversation.
Be Flexible. Schools must demonstrate respect for the real work-family balance issues parents struggle with. Creating family-friendly ways for engagement should be a school-wide priority.
Build a Community of Learners. Schools are uniquely positioned to encourage parents to be lifelong learners. Through parent education, family support, and referral services, schools play a key role in helping parents see the benefit of growing and developing as their child’s best teacher.
Tips for Strengthening the Partnership–What Parents Can Do
Make connections early. There’s no telling when there will be a need to discuss a child’s academic, social-emotional, or behavioral learning. It’s always easier to be open and honest when a relationship has already been established.
Opt for face-to-face communication. Voice mail and email, while time-efficient, may lead to incomplete or contentious communication. Talking to teachers about your child is more likely to be successful when the communication is done in person and has been scheduled so both parent and teacher have had time to think through the main objectives.
Always keep your child at the center of your exchanges. Not every parent and teacher will have an affinity for each other. Yet when parents and teachers keep the child in front, and not between them, the child is sure to benefit.
Filed Under: Motivation, Parenting
Crossover Fiction Gets Parents & Teens Talking
Numerous studies also confirm what every reader already knows—that the novel is an incomparable vehicle for the exploration of human social and emotional life. Literary critics and philosophers have long advanced the notion that one of fiction’s main jobs is to raise social consciousness.
Decades of research also show that when parents and teachers partner together around social-emotional learning, teens are better positioned to reach their greatest potential as healthy, active members of the community. There’s simply no doubt that this kind of involvement is directly linked to teens having higher self-confidence and more positive attitudes toward school and home. From better attendance, higher grades, and higher graduation rates, to increases in prosocial behavior and decreases in problem behaviors, the most consistent predictor of high academic achievement and positive social adjustment for teens is engaged parents and teachers.
The Power of Fiction to Teach
When teachers, parents and teens come together to deepen their understanding of our collective emotional lives—using fiction—they positively impact the development of the core competencies of social-emotional development, which include nurturing self and social awareness, developing relationship skills, and influencing responsible decision-making.
Despite biological predispositions to conditions like anxiety or depression, it is resiliency skills that help protect teens from various mental health conditions. And if you or someone you care about has an existing mental health condition, then building resilience is crucial to improving one’s ability to cope.
Using a conversation-based approach to discuss fiction, teens are afforded a safe space to learn about preventive mental health and capitalize on personal strengths for building resilience and navigating complex social relationships.
Some within publishing deem a novel “crossover” when it is written for young adults but attracts a healthy adult audience. Others—mostly in the fields of public relations and marketing—consider a novel “crossover” when it is written for adults but young adults read and spread the word about it. Regardless of which direction interest first flows, crossover fiction serves a powerful purpose, which is to get parents and teens reading and talking about meaningful text together.
Participation in conversations using high interest fiction, allows parents, teachers, and teens to:
discuss risk and protective factors for mental illness
develop resiliency skills that promote emotional well-being
demonstrate perspective-taking and conflict management skills
express empathy toward others
practice interpersonal communication skills
Your Book Discussion Group
Due to the sensitive nature of the types of books that can have the greatest impact on raising social awareness and reducing stigma, it’s important to prepare the environment, making it conducive to sharing and learning. Thoughtful, respectful conversation is more likely to occur if teachers and parents create emotional safety zones in advance of book discussions.
Create ground rules and goals, either by utilizing a planning committee or taking the first few minutes of each meeting to agree on participation expectations.
Consider coaching teens to co-lead the discussion with agreed upon ground rules and partnerships with parents and/or teachers.
At every meeting, ensure confidentiality and find ways to establish a sense of closeness among teens, teachers, and parents by aligning interests.
Choose books wisely by outlining group goals in advance and then selecting titles that support certain kinds of discussions.
Keep discussions focused on characters and their wants, needs, and choices. Revisit ground rules if conversations become too personal.
Extend the learning beyond the group by identifying activities that parents, teachers, and teens can engage in to keep conversations going.
The best fiction illuminates the human condition and gives readers much to reflect on and discuss. By harnessing the power of storytelling—informed by research on social-emotional learning and effective communication—teachers, parents, teens can engage in conversations about mental health and emotional well-being, with the goal of building empathy, nurturing perspective-taking, and strengthening resilience.