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Where are the Andes? At the end of your armies. | 19536c80-57ec-4e13-9575-b759b80a551a | Andes Are In The Candy Aisle |
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them. | 377d4fb2-ec20-4213-b06c-dabd4184cd14 | This Joke Expired Years Ago |
What's the difference between a jeweller and a prison warden? One sells watches, and the other watches cells. | 3775c7e2-d5c2-47d6-8329-2d34f01d03f6 | Prison Jewelry |
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large." | 47e287a2-e9e7-4208-bb33-b2faae97c1c6 | Small Thefts |
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast. | 22dea85e-3954-45dd-9425-d149089515ab | Bakery Fire |
Who is the quickest draw in the ocean? Billy the Squid. | 0efbad3c-5b35-433a-a984-52de7edafa07 | Wanted For Eight Armed Robbery |
My cat just threw up on the carpet. I don't think it's feline well. | 9d92295e-7b21-402a-bc34-504c7ebbac29 | You Have To Be Kitten Me |
I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said "They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas." | 47cf657b-8d0a-43f8-a47a-2981efa93db8 | Checkout Girl |
Whiteboards are remarkable. | 8cf94093-4194-4abb-851a-3190f5876d41 | Whiteboards |
What is the richest country in the world? Ireland. Its capital is always Dublin. | 61642a2b-4348-4e9f-bd20-dfefbc618519 | If You Count Alcoholics As Wealth |
A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned. | ac158965-d90d-4b79-94c1-3b00dc22c324 | Color Me Concerned |
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed. | 4970b3b4-3e8d-4d2c-9c62-9e2930c25826 | You Can't Handle The Ending |
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free. | 8007fbad-03cb-482a-9d4e-ea7cc721b878 | De-Grubered |
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. | 0299eb9b-b4d2-4cfa-8292-0ccd8292bb07 | Kleptomania |
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one. | 0009b5e4-adbf-48ef-b124-16a863bac35d | Golfer Pants |
Where are average things built? In the satisfactory. | ab84a709-326f-4770-bd18-9ff8f5025de2 | Thing Factory |
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester. | 051227b9-c981-4722-99e3-3a153c22a3fe | Thoughtful Clown |
What lies on the ocean floor and shivers? A nervous wreck. | 06bac40c-ee53-4122-856a-dee04a99ad80 | These Jokes Have Sunk So Low |
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood? The Spaghetto. | f694783c-4b67-40a5-a451-b56c57b7c580 | Italians |
What was Beethoven's fifth favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na. | 0957a0bf-8ea0-4b2b-aae3-e46dca9d5bae | Beef Oven |
How does a burglar get into your house? Intruder window. | 7ff5b927-e7b4-4dbe-ba58-f1e5a17d7ac2 | Burglars |
People keep making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow. | 0790c324-7538-42fd-93bd-af0d354d8368 | The End Of The Joke |
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera. | 2fdb2916-e33b-45c1-87ce-1200fa581f3b | Clean Vocals |
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. | cc112fd2-6eb7-4a76-bb92-c66e064b1180 | A Wall Of movies |
Doorbells, don't knock 'em. | 8820ebd8-21ab-43de-aa1c-442d488ef065 | Doorbells |
A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar. The proton orders a shot, drinks it, pulls out his wallet, and pays the bartender. The electron orders a shot, drinks it, pulls out his wallet, and pays the bartender. The neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then pulls out his wallet. The bartender stops him and says, "for you, no charge..." | bc3d7a48-0ecc-4a70-a4b4-f34f83465245 | No Charge |
What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Shredded tweet. | 2a528ebe-8e66-4908-8930-0778f9385770 | Lawnmower Bird-Man |
How do you count cows? A 'Cow'culator | 4fd6156b-7c92-4923-bec1-81e81fb15a81 | counting cows |
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. | b3029129-7985-4bb0-a98b-31602741bb23 | Swiss Cheesey |
A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of 3; "Uno... dos... poof...". He disappeared without a tres. | b5414a1f-0b06-4f06-a08d-ab2599b049ac | Uno Joke, Por Favor |
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it. | 37f952de-ce70-4ac8-b251-08be7f3732b1 | Milking Fast |
I used to be a banker but I lost interest | fd34db50-820c-4388-b45f-7f97de782355 | Banking |
What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal shaft? A flat minor. | 8cd3b5ea-a375-43a3-b70a-f1f010a67596 | This Piano Jokes Struck A Chord |
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. | db4c6a4a-e4fc-4591-8e2b-babff8d7abc0 | Watch Your Head |
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore. | 6f003dcc-d043-4bfd-9967-35b3cc6cf041 | Tasteless Joke |
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry we don't serve food here." | 64e2fc14-5c1c-461e-bec9-5b98ce1906ec | Sandwich |
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. | fa5eeda3-a605-4f97-9ee1-f464329f588a | Bel Air |
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire! | 1552cf30-012b-4bf7-8678-b5df56212973 | Well Dressed Bicycle |
How do you make toast in the jungle? Pop your bread under a g'rilla. | 7bae6c84-2c88-41f0-a6a6-60758e8ba4b5 | A Toast To Monkey Jokes |
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea. | 5fc986ec-8e13-496b-ae6a-2a7ef99629d4 | The Dream Was Deep In Soda Me |
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O. | 01abc0a0-b3d7-4676-88ce-941f3e44fcf6 | My Type Of Humor |
Why did the banana go to the doctors'? He wasn't peeling very well. | 3719ac94-ffd9-4dbb-8081-dfb872163e32 | Banana Joke For Scale |
Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, "Oh no! I lost an electron!", The other asks him, "Are you sure?", The first one says, "Yeah, I'm positive" | ab0be3ec-303e-4064-8146-8b2d102e40dd | I'm Positive |
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable. | 5037edb1-0d24-4f0b-9dde-48b1a64a0b8a | Perforated Hatred |