in common with a few other restless autodidacts of our day we loved anything containing gabin 's smoking .38 , mitchum 's barking .45 or widmark 's glittering knives , all mixed up with brecht and weill , camus ' fascist caligula screaming `` i 'm still alive '' and the black bars crossing the faces of sartre 's huis clos , emphasizing the prisons in which we place ourselves .