she found herself wishing she 'd been more religious in life , but she 'd never been able to manage it : as a small girl she had been unable to envision a god who disliked anyone enough to sentence them to an eternity of torture in hell , mostly for not believing in him properly , and as she grew up her childhood doubts had solidified into a rocky certainty that life , from birth to grave , was all there was and that everything else was imaginary .