`` i will not pretend i have the least desire to be a martyr , sir , but i am a christian : i will do my best to endure whatever torment god sees fit to try me by , and not turn to self-slaughter like- '' he paused ; he had meant to say , like a heathen , but the remark seemed impolite , in addressing one who by his own expression found laurence 's own avowed preference as nearly unthinkable .