i keep dancing-the me that placates stella in order to keep her while simultaneously burning with jealousy , the me that strives to be better than everyone else at dance and school and everything within my control , the me without a mom , that 's too afraid to be feminine or emotional , too afraid i wo n't know how or worse that i will and the emotion will consume me , the me that jumped off a balcony and kissed a boy i barely knew just so he 'd call me a daredevil and i could pretend for a moment that he spoke the truth .