i suppressed the memory of celia 's appearance when she was dead , and instead spun myself a fantasy in which joel park brooks came to my door and begged me to take her place in the movie , and i did so with completely unexpected talent and grace , and some incredibly attractive actor - not anybody obvious like george clooney or mel gibson , but someone more cerebral , like john cusack - came to my door and begged me to return to hollywood with him and tan by his pool and be his love goddess , since i was far more genuine and original than the shallow movie beauties surrounding him ...