Yea I was very confused haha <| sep |> Yeah , it ' s great when they get it done right . But if they mess up it sucks . More calls to customer care or chats with TForce . <| sep |> I think BDSM can be a healthy sexual expression , but it sounds like and sounds like you ' re admitting that you ' re using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism . And really , that can show up in any way . For me it ' s been videogames . I play videogames for 6 hours just so I can not think about missing Elizabeth . For others it ' s alcohol . Etc . I think it ' s important you go see a therapist . If you ' re not comfortable right out of the gate talking specifically about using BDSM as your way to forget , then choose something else and just talk to them with that as the metaphor . 5 weeks is still very early . I ' m 12 weeks in and it ' s early . This doesn ' t go away and certainly doesn ' t get better any time soon . How you ' re feeling and how you ' re coping ? It ' s completely normal . Expected , even . I don ' t think anyone will ever grieve completely healthily on their own . We need others , and professionals , to pull us back , which is what you ' re doing . It ' s commendable . I hope this helps . I ' m so sorry about the loss of your husband and hope that you can find some peace and solace .