HA HA ! you musta looked like a big time loser . <| sep |> 2016 saw over 300 trans people killed through trans violence or suicide , despite all my work for my community over 300 of them died . I have tried to help women but despite that a rapist is now the leader of the free world . I have tried so much to help my community and people around me and nothing makes any difference . Even my own life , I can ' t control my depression , I live in a tiny room on my own , I can ' t get a job and ya . I can control my selfharming , I can stop , start whenever I like . I ' m in control and it feels good to have that control . It ' s not that I enjoy pain , I just don ' t care about it . I have never had a problem with pain beyond the basic human limits , it ' s something I have always been able to handle . I could easily staple my own arm and pull it without much bother just because I know it won ' t have any lasting damage and the pain is temporary . I dunno . I also like the fact that over the next few days I will be able to watch myself heal , it ' s kinda sweet in the sense that I get to see something broken get better .