If you could admit to yourself that it is over , you can start to heal . You ' re torn , right now . She ' s telling you its over , and it breaks your heart . You think you can Do Something to Fix It , but that takes two people . You can work on you , and only you . You devoted a lot of time and energy , and yes , love into this relationship . It is important to you , something you want to fight for . You have to switch from I love her , and am pouring that love into strengthening our relationship ' to ' I love her , but she just isn ' t my spouse , my partner , my other half '. I suggest making a list of all the good things from your marriage . Take a hard look at your list . Acknowledge that this is what she is choosing to give up . Then , make a list of things you can do to start grieving , and healing . Put your energy into taking care of you , and the kids . The more you can face your fears of grief and heartbreak and betrayal and loneliness , the faster you will heal . Once you dig yourself out of the hole divorce causes , then you can rebuild .