I totally know what you mean about it being different , there are a lot of things in there I can ' t relate to . And then in here I can ' t relate to most stuff either since people are talking about their siblings or friends , etc . I wish there was a good forum specifically for suicide widows but I have yet to find it ! Night time is definitely awful . I ' ve listened to some guided meditation connect with passed on loved ones youtube videos as I ' m falling asleep so I try to spend the time it takes me to fall asleep to basically just fantasize about what it will be like when I see my husband again . I ' m not 100 % convinced I will , but dwelling on the idea that I won ' t just makes me spiral . Feel free to message me if you want to , I ' ll be thinking of you as christmas approaches 33333