A Tesco shopper has been found guilty Sounds about right . <| sep |> Its within their rights , but it might be the single dumbest thing spez could ever do . <| sep |> God damn it Frank . <| sep |> Nice ! I was out there for the Big Game and it was wet ! I imagine it was on Sunday too ? <| sep |> Here ' s some matching tune to go with that gif . HgQEuPw 942 c <| sep |> Heya ! I tried to avoid reading anyone else ' s criticism before starting , so I hope I ' m not being biased . I ' m also woefully underqualified to offer any real critique of any kind , so keep that in mind and take what I say with a heafty grain of salt . Let ' s start with the very first words of the piece . At this point in the narative and with the way english works as a whole , I have no idea who everyone is referring to . I assume you mean it in the sence of everyone around in this place that you have yet to describe , but without qualifying it , the reader is left confused . and not in a good way . There is this idea in most languages of the topic . It goes well beyond the subject of a sentence in that it reflects what a piece of writing or speech is about as a whole . It ' s what you ' re calling back to when you say he or she or in this case , everyone . Without establishing that topic , I as a reader am totally in the dark as to the meaning or driving force behind your ideas . Also , it ' s worth mentioning that you want to start your story off with a strong hook . Cast your bait early and reel me in with the plot that follows . It can take some time and thought , but It ' s certainly well worth the effort . Given what you have in the rest of the paragraph , I would suggest starting with the image of the cafe '. If it ' s compelling enough to draw the one in the crowd towards it , then it should also serve as a strong hook for your readers . We move into dialogue right after that . Still , at this point , I have no idea who is speaking . You want to give descriptions of your characters early on so your reader can have some sort of image to grasp on to and build around . Despite what Limp Bizkit said , it ' s not about the he says she says bullshit . The dialogue is cute , and there is the slightest hint of conflict , however at this point , you want to avoid all of the mystery and just flat out show us who the characters are . As a reader I don ' t know what the female character likes , and by not telling me you ' re really missing out on key characterization opportunities . After that , the dialogue kind of delves into chaos . Without establishing who any of these characters are , I have no idea who is saying what . Are we inside the building when the older couple is speaking ? I can somewhat sus out the sittuation after rereading it a few times , but you really want to be clear and concise with these things . If I have to go over parts again and again , I ' ll eventually get bored and just stop trying . At this point you ' ve lost any sort of compelling conflict that is dire to opening scenes . It ' s basically just a jumble of people I can ' t picture , saying things that I would honestly block out if I were actually present in the room . Why should I care about what kind of coffee these blank faces want ? I still know nothing about them . Not to mention that without descriptions or qualifying who says what , it ' s almost impossible to follow their dialogue . Finally , with the name Gerry , you ' ve given me something to latch on to . It ' s just a name , so I still don ' t know what he looks like or really anything at all about him , but giving me that much is something at least . And right back into baseless dialogue . I ' m once again lost in a sea of nothingness . Without rereading everything several times , I have no idea which she it is that you ' re reffering to at this point . Even further proof in that when she pauses and goes inside , I was completely thrown off as I was still under the assumption that we WERE inside . He , I ' m assuming Gerry , pulling out a cigarette , is another good action for me to latch on to . He ' s a smoker . That ' s a concrete idea that I can apply to the character , but honestly by this point , if I weren ' t doing critique , I would have already stopped reading . I would suggest moving this way earlier in the piece to build that foundation from the start . He goes back to passively watching blank faces after that . There ' s some silly dialogue between said blank faces , and after a while , I ' m again completely lost . It ' s much the same as before , only with even less taggs and descriptors . It ' s super important to have these things so your reader can visualize what ' s going on . The dialogue is okay , but you should really try to hone in on the central conflict and build from there . In and out as quickly as possible while still getting the information across is a good way to think about it . I ' d suggest looking into MRUs , motivation reaction units . They really helped me when I was starting out . Anyway , I appreciate your contribution to the sub . I hope I didn ' t come across too harsh with my critique . It ' s important to keep your head up and push forward no matter what anyone says . If you work hard and keep at it , you will only get better . I wish you good fortune in the wars to come . edit After reading some of the other comments and your responses , I see that you completely understand most of the rudimentary ideas I was trying to pass along , but were going for something outside of the norm . I hope I didn ' t come off as a total dick when I broke certain things down . Again , good luck with the writing !