I play rocket league with the guy who drew this . Totally chill dude . Super talented artist tooHe could work on his ariels tho D <| sep |> Hello ! I know it ' s been a minute since I ' ve replied . This week has been so hectic and you ' ll never guess what happened last night . But first , what ' s new with you ? Has anything else happened with your friend and ex ? Interested to find out . So here ' s what happened every year , a mutual friend of ours throws a Thanksgiving party . I got the invite and knew there was a SLIGHT chance of him being there , but the thought passed quickly as he usually goes out of town during the holidays . Still , I looked my absolute best and arrived feeling pretty confident . I had a drink and started to socialize with a bunch of people I hadn ' t seen in a while . I was enjoying myself and wasn ' t paranoid about him showing up , I figured he would have been there by now if he was coming . Or so I thought . 30 minutes in , I decide to go back inside the house to grab some food . As I ' m piling up my plate , the doorbell rings and , needless to say , it was him . Do you remember how you could have sworn your ex saw you and your friend that one day , but 10 seconds later doubted if she even saw you in the first place ? That ' s exactly how I felt . Could I be tripping out ? No , I thought I only had one drink . It was him , he was there , and for the first time in 5 months , we were in the same room together . I think my heart stopped . I started shaking , I didn ' t know what to do with myself . I lost all control of my body , my mind , and motions . I froze and forgot where I was before I got food , and how I could get back . It ' s like I didn ' t even know what was going on , this state probably lasted 15 seconds but felt like eternity . I can only imagine what I looked like from an outside perspective . I probably looked so drunk to the point of not being aware of my surroundings , only the second part is true . Another part I didn ' t mention was that he was wearing my favorite shirt . I ' m probably overthinking it but it caught my eye right away . I ' m sure he knew I would be there . Once I gained my insight back slightly , I walked back outside . I told my friend he was there and she tried to comfort me but of course it didn ' t make me feel any better . At this point I didn ' t even know if he saw me and told myself that I could leave the party through the backyard gate , and pretend this night never even happened , but then I realized how weak I sounded . So , I stayed glued to my seat . I don ' t really know how to describe how I felt in that moment . I do know that all I wanted to do was scream and cry , and had I known that I could reach the nearest bathroom without crossing paths with him , I probably would have . I lost track of time , I could say I continued to sit down outside for an hour but someone else could say it was 20 minutes . Regardless , the time came where it was too hot and buggy outside , and my friends desperately wanted to go back in . What was I supposed to do ? Say no , my ex is in there and I can ' t see him ? I felt like I had no choice , so I hesitantly got up and followed . As soon as I stepped in , I saw him . And let me tell you the flood of emotions that came over me was almost unreal . Every single moment we had ever shared together flashed before my eyes . Every kiss , every hug , every i love you . But then , something weird happened . We made eye contact and , somewhat like a switch , all of those feelings of love and affection went away and got replaced with anger and sadness . Every argument , every curse word , and everytime I felt defeated and hurt resurfaced instead . I don ' t know who broke it , but the next thing I know I ' m sitting down with the group of people I was with along with the group he was talking to previously . This made me kind of mad because a few people knew how uncomfortable the situation was for me , yet sat down anyways . These aren ' t close friends but I ' m sure it was obvious that we were no longer together , although I guess I shouldn ' t expect people to not be social with my ex just because I ' m there . Then the conversation turns into a blur something about Donald Trump , a new restaurant in town , who made what dish at the party . I didn ' t say anything , I didn ' t make eye contact again , I just sat and occasionally took a sip of my drink or a bite of my food . People slowly started getting up to greet someone else or whatever reason , and it eventually narrowed down to me , him , and 2 other people . At this point I knew I had to contribute to the conversation . I didn ' t initiate any topic , I kind of just added on to whatever I could . He did the same . Two people who arrived at that same party together the year before , not even looking or speaking to the other . Strangers . Out of nowhere , he specifically turned to me and asked how I was . I said I was good , busy , and wished him a happy holidays . This part bothers me he was about to say something , his facial expression got more serious and he seemed distraught . Before he could start , someone else came back and he immediately snapped out of what seemed to be a daze . I looked at him a little bit longer but he had stopped eye contact . I never got to hear what he was going to say . Maybe he was sad . Maybe he missed me . Maybe he wanted to leave the party and catch up on what he ' s been doing for the past 5 months . Maybe he wanted to know if I was seeing someone else . Maybe he was having a hard time , too . Maybe he wanted nothing more than to just hear my voice , to have a conversation and pick up where we left off . The point is , he didn ' t , and I left that party not knowing what could have been . It ' s sad , really , that his ego stops him from doing so much in his life . This is something I realized in the beginning of our relationship , and it ' s something that never changed . Why can he ask me how I am at a party but not contact me for over 5 months ? How can he try to start casual talk with me after all this ? Why can ' t he just say something if he really wants to say it ? I have never understood . I ' ve been kind of out of it since then , we didn ' t say goodbye at the party and haven ' t talked since . It ' s like you wait months for a painful silence to end , and then when it does , it just makes you feel even worse and more confused than you were in the first place . Maybe one day he will take out all of the feelings and emotions that he stuffed into a bottle , but that day is not today , and I can ' t say it will be tomorrow either . This continues to be a hard pill to swallow . Who knows when I ' ll see him again , maybe in another 5 months . Maybe by then it ' ll hit him maybe by then I ' ll be fed up and have moved on . Maybe it will be too late . Ah , maybe . Anyways , I hope you ' re doing well . Let me know what ' s been going on . Hope you ' re enjoying your holiday , and about what you said about getting carried away if you think it ' s too much then okay , but if it helps to get it all out then hey , go ahead . I ' m really glad if I can help . Let me know if I ' m the one getting annoying ! Haha but really , no worries at all .