Most phones have a notes app . Just type in there whatever you want to say to her . That way you get to say it , but she doesn ' t have to read it . Eventually ween yourself off and find someone new . Good luck <| sep |> I wish refs would just stop lol <| sep |> Thank you so much ! I will look into them ! <| sep |> How hasn ' t it effect my life ? It is my life . Not in the sense that I go around and think that I ' m so fucking bipolar all the time But I mean , I ' m a fuckup no matter what goes on . Give me a task in life , anything at all , and I ' ll fuck it up in ways most people can ' t comprehend . I fall in love with the wrong women . Or maybe they are the right women , who knows ? Obviously I fucked the relationships up and that ' s really all there is to it . I can ' t keep my house clean for shit . Been a year or something since I took out the trash last time . I just move from room to room and tidy up just enough so I can live there . I have never taken any meds and this has been my life for 1718 years or so . I ' m 36 now . On monday I ' m going back to the doctor for the fourth time I think to ask for something to snap me the fuck out of this . I ' ve been there before . They wanted me to start on some pills , but I never go and get them . I don ' t know why ? It ' s like all this fucking up is a part of me and it ' s almost scary to think that I might one day stop . It ' s like removing the biggest part of myself from me . I don ' t know . It ' s almost as if I ' m addicted to being like this . What if it stops ? Who the hell am I then ? This is all I know . I just live in my head . I make up stories for myself about what life is and I try to find a place in it where I fit . But there ' s really no such place . I ' m just cancer on everything and everyone . Self acceptance you say ? Well , yeah , I accept it . But it ' s the most disgusting thing I know of and rather not think of it at all . I can honestly say I ' m the most useless person I have ever heard of or know . Who the hell wants to accept something like that ? I ' m not exaggerating either , honest to whatever god or gods you worship . It ' s not like I ' m a bad person . I really don ' t think I am . I ' m just . useless . One way or another Meermouse is dead . I either take those damn meds and come out someone else or I ' ll end up hanging from a tree somewhere . And noone wants to die . Not really . And no , no positives . Fuck this shit man .