Grand HotelSomewhere below the grand hotelThere is a tunnel that leads down to hellTake the dumbwaiter , the laundry chuteThen sneak through the hall past the boys shining bootsThen left at the courtyard through the old gardenWhere all the bellhops smoke with the guardsAnd then you run to the old lake houseDown to the old lake houseRun to the old lake house where it beginsUnder the floorboards there ' s a deep wellThat leads to a spring that sprung up in hellThat ' s where old devils danced and kissedAnd made their blood pacts in the ancient mythsAnd running through forest they screamed in chorusWhile piercing fair maiden ' s chests with their hornsAnd then they lay in the grass ' til the dawn cameSleeping away ' til the dawn cameLay in the grass where now stands the grand hotelThe Maître D ' and a fancy chefSilver ' s real , the liquor ' s top shelfPlay some tennis , swim in a poolStroll the garden shady and coolYou won ' t care that the devilsWon ' t mind that the devilsWon ' t know that the devils are nearSomewhere below the grand hotelThere is a tunnel that leads straight to hellBut no one comes up for the souls anymoreThey come for some comfort and for the dance floorAnd hiding sharp horns under fedorasDo not disturb signs instead of a chorusThey toss and turn ' til the dawn comesOn soft sheets ' til the dawn comesNo one sleeps at the grand hotelRoom service , mini - barScented soaps , chauffeured carsStay a day , stay a weekHere ' s the tunnel , take a peekJust call up your friends at the front deskAny hour at the front deskCall up your friends at the grand hotelYou ' ll always have friends at the grand hotel