Mine too we always have to drive like an hour or two and this is always the first song to be played <| sep |> Good guy for spreading the word <| sep |> Don ' t you dare forget that table . <| sep |> this is like 80 percent of what they sale lol . it more or less leaves like the rook as the only thing to get <| sep |> You ' re gonna hear it from lots of us . therapy . What finally got me there was the notion that ' your relationship with your parents primary caregivers sets the tone for all your other relationships '. Issues with parents issues across the board . Your feelings and experience are familiar to me in my world and like you I keep people in my life at a distance and am not having children exactly for the same reason I don ' t want to repeat the actions of my father or his father who beat his children including my dad . My dad beat me a couple of times also bad . My dad became a violent , frenzied animal at those moments . For his whole life my dad is given to violent verbal outbursts of yelling and screaming over nothing frenzied animal style . One thing to think over do you ever get violently disproportionately angry or have sudden feelings of intense rage at a some random asshole driver or if the cat scratches you or whatever . Do you ever get nightmares ? You already said you feel unworthy despite your success . Sadly , our parents primary caregivers lodge themselves deep within our sense of person hood . I ' m dealing with this same shit myself . My own work is separating ' fact ' the person I am from ' fiction ' the residue of how my parents , sister , and life treated me . The way to do this is to summon and meet this fictional feels like a failure self and dissolve it away as the fiction it is . At 30 you are still young enough to be in a good position to get this squared away and live the life you want especially if you want to be married and have kids . Here ' s a motivator in a sense your dad is still with you inside your consciousness and still messing up your happiness . I am sure that you want to ' throw him out of your being ' ASAP ? What helps me a lot is not kidding meditation . Why ? With consistent practice you can ' go back in time ' in your memories and offer love to yourself in those times of trauma . Talk to the ' you ' in that memory and tell him that everything will be ok . Also , you can observe your thoughts and feelings without getting swept up in them . Maybe like how you evaluate music . Ever meet an artist who made bad music but couldn ' t recognize what everybody else saw ? I ' m suggesting this is an analogy for you for me who can ' t see what our messed up parents have done to us . Also therapy . You ' re lucky that you have the time and money to find a really good therapist . One that you feel comfortable with . Hope this helps you out friend . Again , please don ' t wait to get into therapy and whatever form of inner work works for you . You get yourself to clean out the trash because you have plenty of time to be happy .