So a couple of things . First , get thee to Dan Savage ' s various podcasts and articles . If you ' re having a sexual disconnect with your boyfriend , you have to let him know what you want in this case it sounds like a lot of rough sex , which most people are pretty down with eventually , but also give him time to process . At baseline we ' re all kind of sex negative when it comes to stuff we haven ' t thought about . I wouldn ' t be surprised if your boyfriend rejected giving pain during sex without really thinking about it or trying it or thinking along the lines of hey , it would be a kindness to fuck her really hard and spank her or slap her face because it ' s what she wants . But obviously you have to sort this out with your boyfriend , because if he can ' t give you the sex you need , you need a new boyfriend . As my friend used to say , the dick wants what the dick wants . Second , sounds like you ' re kinky and a masochist . rBdsmcommunity is a fantastic resource . I ' m not sure exactly how you want to be hurt during sex , but wanting pain during sex is so common that it ' s almost normal and there ain ' t nothing wrong with abnormal sex ! . There ' s nothing wrong with having masochistic sexual preferences . You just have to satisfy them in healthy ways . Now to your actual question . It ' s healthy only if you can manage your sexual appetites as a productive reward system . If fantasizing about crazy rough sex at the gym gets you working out , great . If knowing that when you get home from work you ' ll get fucked really hard drives you to do good work , also great . It only becomes a problem if you ' re screwing up your work to get to sex faster or if you ' re hurting yourself at the gym . You ' re clearly very thoughtful , so answer it yourself do you think you can use pain and sex to motivate in a healthy way ? But do answer that after checking out rBdsmcommunity and reading other resources on kink .