Or a zombified murderer lion . <| sep |> The first thing I noticed about your wiring style right off the bat was that you ' re telling instead of showing . EDIT It seems you ' ve already been told this as well , judging by the other feller in the comments . Whoops . But still good writing usually demonstrates things to the reader in a way that almost seems like the author is explaining something to the reader . For example , this , while still goodI am sitting on a balcony in Southern Bulgaria golden domed towers and ornate crosses of a church to my left , buildings less fancy than I am used to back in the U . S . but still nice for Bulgaria to my right . Could be easily changed to this Gazing upon miles of the goldendomed towers and eccentric buildings of Southern Bulgeria , the ornate crosses topping a nearby church became the most prominent in my peripheral vision . Simple things like this not only help get your point across faster , but it does more than just say I saw x and y to my left right . To randomly pick from your text as another example and I sincerely hope I ' m helping instead of annoying you , here ' s thisMany would meet me and be completely shocked that I have smoked meth before , stolen from people , dealt drugs , been addicted to pills , and have done ecstasy at least 100 times . These are just the first few potentially shocking facts that come to my mind at the moment , as I sit and reflect , but there are many , many more . Which could be this Among the multitude of crowds that I ' ve met , many would be shocked to hear of my broken past . Stealing , abuse , ecstasy usage at least a hundred times . These are only the beginning of my sorrows . Selfawareness is a curse , I suppose . Granted my word ain ' t gold and I don ' t expect you to change everything verbatim . I hope that helped at least a little