Young Sinatra by Logic <| sep |> I have been in therapy for the past I would say 5 years . I am starting to get more consistent in taking my meds . I am in a vocational rehab program to find a stress free part time job . I ' m not sure what to do about ambition due to my pessimistic views on life . My parents have helped me a lot due to the difficulties they know I have in life . But frequently I wish I could just vanish into a world in my own head . Back before I was diagnosed BP I would have delusions of winning the nobel prize despite having no college degree and stuff like that . And I belived I could solve all the world ' s problems . Every time I would try to move away from my parents I would have a psychotic break and they would need to come get me . So we agreed I shouldn ' t live far from them but the city they live in is a shithole with almost no job prospects outside of fast food or retail . I want to get back into college to finish my CS degree but doubt I would manage the stress of college while dealing with BP and GAD and general procrastination in life . It would likely just trigger another stressinduced psychotic episode . My brain has a hard time remembering schoolwork or trying to solve problems while under stress . The information just doesn ' t sink into my head . I have frequently tried to selfteach myself programming languages like python or java , but I get to a stage where I get stuck and have no idea where to go from that point and give up and within a month forget all I might have learned .