I ' m feeling exactly the same . I always wish that I was never born , or my parents had an abortion . There are some good things in life , but they really aren ' t worth all the other suffering for me . One thing that helps for me is to find my interest . anything , music , games , movies , novels , philosophy , or even porn . For example , after Star Wars 7 was announced , that became my goal for life to survive and see the movie when it comes out . After that , changed it to dead pool , then Captain America Civil War , then an Animated movie , then Green Day ' s new album , then Pokemon Sun and Moon , now Trainspotting 2 that ' s coming out next year . I always feel hopeless and lost if I don ' t have a specific goal or date for me to reach in my life . Heaven sounds boring to me as well because of the lack of ending , eternity sounds pretty scary even if I ' ll be enjoying myself all the time . I also LOVE music and philosophy , so while I ' m waiting for the days to pass I ' ll be doing those stuff . I ' m really lucky and grateful that I have found my passion , for some that haven ' t , it ' s really hard for them to express their sadness and anger , and I can ' t imagine what I would ' ve become or done without music . But still , with all the great music and food in the world , I still wish that I was never born . They are very enjoyable , but I ' d rather having never enjoyed them AND never feeling any pain , than to feel pain and emptyness ALL the time with a few enjoyable moments in the middle . And to be honest , I don ' t think that there will be any other endings to my life besides suicide . My big goal for life right now is to start HRT . if I can ' t , then I ' ll be spending my whole life trying to solve or think through as many philosophical questions that pop into my head as I can . but still wishing I was a girl Sometimes I think that if I was born a girl , I would easily settle with a normal and ordinary life and I wouldn ' t feel as empty and dull as I do now . Sorry that this doesn ' t help , but just want to let you know that there are others just like you .