If I hear seeone more word about DC Lucifer Chuck will erase HIM from existence and Amara will make sure he stays gone and can ' t be recreated . You might want to make that clear in the OP , because that ' s probably going to be the first thing a lot of people think of . <| sep |> You ' re gonna hear it from lots of us . therapy . Yeah , that ' s the plan . That ' s the first thing that became obvious to me when we talked about this . Your feelings and experience are familiar to me in my world and like you I keep people in my life at a distance and am not having children exactly for the same reason I don ' t want to repeat the actions of my father or his father who beat his children including my dad . My dad beat me a couple of times also bad . My dad became a violent , frenzied animal at those moments . For his whole life my dad is given to violent verbal outbursts of yelling and screaming over nothing frenzied animal style . There ' s a weird thing it only happened once . My father isn ' t the type of person who would yell at us when we were kids . And from I understand , his father was quite calm . He died really young , no one knows how things could ' ve turned out . One thing to think over do you ever get violently disproportionately angry or have sudden feelings of intense rage at a some random asshole driver or if the cat scratches you or whatever . Do you ever get nightmares ? You already said you feel unworthy despite your success . Never . Not for the lack of facing situations that could make me angry . We all face these situations from time to time . But I feel we can overcome any situation and still staying calm . I never raise my voice , I always felt if you talk quietly , people listen . I got angry only a few times in my life , for things that really mattered to me . I do have nightmares from time to time though . At 30 you are still young enough to be in a good position to get this squared away and live the life you want especially if you want to be married and have kids . Here ' s a motivator in a sense your dad is still with you inside your consciousness and still messing up your happiness . I am sure that you want to ' throw him out of your being ' ASAP ? It ' s a weird thing . I ' m not angry at him . I ' m not forgiving him either . And if I had kids today , I wouldn ' t want him anywhere near them . But I ' m not angry . And maybe that ' s the issue . What helps me a lot is not kidding meditation . Why ? With consistent practice you can ' go back in time ' in your memories and offer love to yourself in those times of trauma . Talk to the ' you ' in that memory and tell him that everything will be ok . Also , you can observe your thoughts and feelings without getting swept up in them . Maybe like how you evaluate music . Ever meet an artist who made bad music but couldn ' t recognize what everybody else saw ? I ' m suggesting this is an analogy for you for me who can ' t see what our messed up parents have done to us . Also therapy . You ' re lucky that you have the time and money to find a really good therapist . One that you feel comfortable with . Hope this helps you out friend . Again , please don ' t wait to get into therapy and whatever form of inner work works for you . You get yourself to clean out the trash because you have plenty of time to be happy . Actually I thought about it and I ' m in Tokyo right now . There are people called Zen masters here . They ' re like therapists , but use meditation . We ' ll see how things go from here .