I can only sleep on my right hand side , right hand under the pillow and the left hand holding another pillow on top of my head . <| sep |> I appreciate your post , usually people find a way to rip me apart but I got no family , so I suppose I may not need anything . The pain of having no family , but at least some and those family members you do have resent you for not letting anything destroy me , I needed the meds until I move out . That ' s the first thing I noticed , I mentioned selling the car , or doing an online MBA , or bar exam loan for third time and moving out , they all got silent . Why ? because it ' s always been put on me to drive my mom to the bus stop and pick her up . I don ' t need the life they have , I want more for myself , my older brother says she puts a roof over your head , yes and i ' m grateful but that ' s the least you can do for me . I shook President Obama ' s hand an served under him regardless if anyone was a fan or not , no one called me or visited except my ex who is now gone and it broke my heart being my friends all getting engaged . I trusted the wrong people and she ' s moved on even when I called it ' s just too late but she had faults too in some ways . I ' m surrounded by people who don ' t want me to land that dream job or be on my feet and do things my way , without the pschiatric help , i wouldn ' t get there , that ' s there way of controlling me . My old doc saw it , ignored them and helped me through law school and the white house internship etc . This new doc originally says he ' s fine not manic , all of a sudden changes gears and brings my mother in the room violation of Hippa . My Mother is the toxic one , plays victim , makes me look bad and I ' m one of the four who was the smartest . Once I decide to go back to my old doctor , i ' m lost my entire family and doing it my way , it ' s just I see things a bit clearer and in ways miss my ex when I do go back on the antidepressant , but i ' d rather suffer and be responsible for my mistakes and move forward than crumble and be average to appease them . God hasn ' t showed up for me in awhile , but he ' s all I got and i ' m not crazy spirutual , i ' m just by any means necessary time of person that i don ' t give a damn if i don ' t wake up , i ' m going for it all , and screw em all .