absmileAnything fun coming up ? <| sep |> This game is getting VIOLENT . <| sep |> Glad to see Kreider be a little more physical . It ' s something this team doesn ' t really have . Nash is a big boy too but doesn ' t use it . <| sep |> Watch your punctuation . You need to read up on comma splices and dialogue formattingdialogue . It ' s better to learn and apply it now than spend ages proofreading your books . I think this needs to be a bit deeper and broader in scope . There ' s nothing inherently wrong with it , but it just feels simplistic and like you ' re telling us more than you ' re showing . I want to get to know the character before he gets into a fight . I want to see a bit more motivation and development of context , setting and why these people are doing what they ' re doing , because at the moment it ' s not grabbing me . What ' s missing is the internal monologue of the perspective character . This is a kind of roleplay between various people . Most fantasy fiction is now written from the viewpoint of a particular person , an individual or multiple individuals who the reader gets to know a bit more intimately . When you write , take on the persona of one character . Write them as if they ' re acting out the scene rather than as if you ' re a cameraperson watching the scene from a distance . Nediak turned back to the task at hand . Tonight , tonight he would have no mistakes . He was in . He knew where his target was the target he had sought for all this time . Basically , you understand the technique here this sentence or two is in Nediak ' s POV but otherwise it does feel a little detached . You ' re also very wordy and explaining far too much here , and the action in that following paragraph is just a blowbyblow report of the situation , with no attempt made to personalise it or give it any meaning for the character . This is , unfortunately , a very intangible thing , and it ' s only really developed by writing more and reading more and gradually expanding your stories to show me a little bit more context , internal character feelings and motivation .