Positives the premise is really good . Like , the bestI ' veeverseenonhere good . Your writing style is also solid . I like the short , direct sentences . You do not mince words and I think that can carry the story . Negatives despite the direct writing style , every sentence seems to miss the point . You are so close . But the short sentences which is a positive , see above are off . Your title is great but your lead is not . Your ideas are solid but the way you approach expressing them is limiting . It ' s frustrating because I want to like this story but I get turned off at every sentence . Overall , you have a boatload of potential and I want you to succeed . But you did not on this story . Thank you for the effort and I cannot wait to hear more from you . Sorry if I am rude or a dick but I think you have what it takes and want to help .