I agree with other poster about reducing the extra baggage . Getting rid of cold before ice cream is inarguable . And each has is also redundant . Since the poem is aiming for simplicity , these changes seem called for . This poem has a very nice , simple , short structure . It also feels somewhat Japanese in its simplified imagistic presentation . The language flows smoothly . Despite only using one image , the poem engages several senses sight , taste , smell , temperature . All of this worked well for me . You might be able to go further in the simplification than even those three changes I can ' t help but think that doesn ' t add much also , then is kind of implied . I don ' t know if you could reduce these parts down without doing damage to the intended tone , but it ' s worth considering .