Link To Original Submission I Am A Bot . Please Message uccd if you have any feedback or suggestions . <| sep |> Yeah , they weren ' t even that bad , little tight for a week or so then good . <| sep |> They past the denial stage , they are now transitioning from anger onto bargaining . <| sep |> That third line has to be the first , right ? <| sep |> I like this one a lot . Definitely helps move oneself into the other persons perspective . <| sep |> Interesting premise , well crafted overall . Stop using ' I watch ' ' I know ' ' I thought '. We know you ' re watching , knowing and thinking , you ' re the narrator . Also stop using ' I ' so much , it ' s first person , that ' s obvious ~~ I watched as ~~ Men burst into the darkened room . It would be helpful to give some context about this ' room '. In the mind ' s eye its a bedroom , but them gathering in the middle and regrouping makes it sound like a warehouse . Think about how the size of the room must be for the action to follow . The fiction needs to match the physics . Couple of niggling points . Establish where you are , e . g . the darkened room where I live , hide , hang out just to mess with people , etc . Breaking up the ' Something exciting ' sentence dilutes the flow . Something exciting was happening . Keep it simple . Active verb tense makes action stronger The men regrouped , whispered commands to each other and separated . not ' regrouping and whispering ' those are passive . drunken louts ~~ that were ~~ here earlier Similarly Louts were doing such instead They had been doing Show , don ' t tell ~~ I watched as ~~ the lights . Instead The lights from their helmets . he is walking past , casually looking he walks past and looks active active active ~~ I watch as ~~ He hesitates , looks into my eyes and realizes I am not ~~ him ~~ his reflection . I am not him is a tad confusing Cleanup I give him a slow wink and a big smile , and then I step out of the mirror . Oh how they scream . Choppy , show don ' t tell . Instead With a wink and a smile I step from the mirror . The man screams in terrorthis gets them every fricking time .