Ok , well I don ' t have what you have . But it ' s really eye opening to me that this type of situation exists for some people . I ' m trying to wrap my mind around it , which I know is hard for some people to do . I have OCD , so I ' m kinda not normal myself . I wish you the best cause I really want you to be able to enjoy life like everybody else . My bit of advice is take it one step at a time , one day at a time . I don ' t know how much you know about monastic life , but I really think your burden can be lifted with the help of some Zen buddhists . Even though I ' m antireligion now , I was raised Buddhist growing up and one of the things I appreciated about Buddhists is how simplistic and soothing their way of life is . The way they live and approach life is completely upside down from normal society it can be very restorative to one ' s mind and body so if you ever get the chance to go to a Buddhist monastery retreat , do it .