I was by my cousin from when I was 3 to 9 . I think his age was 1218 . Only stopped because I moved away . I remember several of the incidents . The first one was in the summer . I think it was a Saturday , but I was excited because he came to take me to the deer stand , that his dad built , just in the woods from my home . I ' d looked up to him as a 3 year old would . We walk through the woods too it , but as we get there I had to pee . He told me ok , and we walked to a stream , and he told me to pee there . I went , and I noticed there was foaming at the water and I asked him what it was . He told me it was meat . I was very confused by that answer . I think he meant protein from foam that forms when you pee , but this was just foaming from the stream . He was also peeing , and he asked me did I like his dick . I thought why would I like it , you just pee from it , but I said yes out of sheer confusion . Next he took me to the deer stand , I went up the latter into the small wooden box . I saw a quilt up there and wondered why it was there . The next thing I remember is my pants down and him laying on me , and I don ' t remember everything else . My next memory is him walking me back to my house and I didn ' t feel anything . I was confused . He would then take me to various places , usually his bed room , where he ' d rape me . Sometimes I ' d be on top humping him . As I got older , around 67 I picked up on what we were doing was bad . He was also one of my tormentors . He ' d bully and harass me at any occasion no adults were around and just other kids , who would join in with the bullying . He ' d only be nice to me when he wanted to fuck me . He never did it to me unless I agreed but pressuring me into it isn ' t consent . I never said anything to anyone about it for fear of what would happen to me . I remember wondering why was I even born or alive , but not fully suicidal yet . Here ' s a bullet list of some stand out moments . When I was 7 , I begged my Mom to take me with her to the store . When we got back , Cousin had raped a girl from down the street and nobody did anything . Adults knew and their response was to tell the girl to not come up here anymore . When I heard about it from the other kids and they described what they saw this is what I thought , That ' s what he does with me . if I hadn ' t gone to the store he would have just done it with me instead and she wouldn ' t have gotten in trouble . I think that incident cemented in my mind that it was my fault and if they knew about it , I ' d be punished . I already had shitty parents so it was no doubt they would have . I suspect they knew what was happening and did nothing about it . In the winter we got snow , which was rare for my area , and he took me to his dad ' s clubhouse . It was just a little wooden shack that he built for get togethers . There was a couch in there , and I pulled my pants and underwear down while he got completely naked , as he always did . I wondered how come he wasn ' t cold . He got over me and I had another black out moment , and I came too being on top of him with my eyes shaking up and down . Not sure how to describe it . I remember seeing white stuff as I called it . The worst feeling I had from all of this was around when I was 8 or 9 . Me and my brother had come home from school and there wasn ' t any food to eat . My brother kept yelling at me and hitting me to go get a pizza stick very long and thin hot pocket from the cousin for us to eat . I didn ' t want to go up there but he kept hitting so I slowly walked up the street sobbing . When I get up there only cousin is home and I went in and asked for the pizza stick . He said he ' d give me one if we smelled some butt . That ' s what he called it . I pretended to not know what he was talking about , but he kept pressuring me so I agreed . I went and just laid down on his bed with my pants down as usual , and watched him undress . I got embarrassed and turned away when I saw his dick and I wondered why he had so much hair there . He asked me did I want to do him first , since that was our usual motif but I said no . He got over me and started . He always asked did it hurt when he penetrated me , but it didn ' t . I suspect years of fucking me got me used to it . He gyrated on me and I lifted my hips a bit to touch myself . I stopped after a second but he said it felt really good so I did it until he finished . He got dressed , I pulled up my underwear and pants and he heated up the pizza stick for me . He gave it to me and I was going to leave to take it to my brother . I wasn ' t even hungry after that and I was feeling like absolute shit . He told me I couldn ' t leave and I had to eat it . I said I want to give it to my brother , and he said if my brother wanted one he should come up there and ask for one . So I sat there and slowly ate all of it wanting to cry but didn ' t , while he watched me . When I finished he let me go home and I walked back just feeling numb . When I walked in my brother asked where the pizza stick was and I told him he didn ' t give me one , and I just went to our shared room to play SNES . I ' ve never had any therapy for it . I did try counseling but it didn ' t work out for me . Part of it is because I can only talk about it at certain times and never in person . I compartmentalized a lot of things . And the abuse not just the sexual abuse from cousin but the abuse from other kids , parents , and just about everyone I ever meet as a kid pushed me to develop whatever my brain does . I keep people away and I ' m still lonely . I can now recognize the behavior I do , but it doesn ' t help much . I ' ve missed out on so much . If I didn ' t have my video game escape during my childhood and teen years I ' d have killed myself a long time ago . I ' m still very much at risk for suicide , but I still go on trying to get better .