Yeah I get that . I feel powerless some days to stop the pull towards death . On those days there are few things that stop me . This is one of those . The thought of my parents coming across my body and the anguish and pain it would cause them is almost as painful as the things pushing me towards suicide . And the more I think about doing it I realize how scared I am . But even now , even through all the bullshit and pain , I ' ll find myself in the middle of a moment that I ' m happy I am still here to experience . I ' m not sure that these moments occur frequently enough to justify existing for another sixty or so years . But I also can ' t be assured that the current frequency of these moments versus the pain I ' m in will stay the same for the rest of my life . sometimes existing seems a raw fucking deal . We never asked to be here , and we are held here by others . It doesn ' t seem fair . I hope you find peace in whatever you decide . Pm me if you really need someone , however its probably not me who you want to talk to when it comes to finding reasons to stay alive .