Gay panic isn ' t a defence , neither is trans panic . It ' s still rape by deception though . If you say no and they try to continue anyway , then it becomes ok to defend yourself physically . <| sep |> Warning Big wall of textHmm . I think I have some good stuff to add to this , so please bear with me if I start to ramble too much . Also please forgive my grammar , I ' m getting pretty emotional reading this since I don ' t always like to think about it so I may not write all that well . I ' ll try to come back to clean up the grammar and such once I have a clear head . nbspSo I have actually struggled with suicide twice during my life . The first time I was around 10 so I wasn ' t quite sure what suicide was , but I knew I just wanted the pain to end . From kindergarten through 5 th grade I was beaten up and insulted on a daily basis at school . It was pretty standard for me to come home with a wide variety of bruises and cuts . The administration didn ' t care and chose to turn a blind eye despite being well aware of them problem . Well actually , that ' s not true . One time they did decide to intervene . I was in 4 th grade I think and decided to fight back since the odds were only 31 this time instead of the usual 51 . I ' ll skip the nitty gritty parts but I somehow managed to knock two of them on the ground before a teacher came over to drag me off to the principal where I was informed I was suspended for the next couple of days for starting fights . Seems legit right ? Well things just got worse and worse so the next year in 5 th grade I had heard about people killing themselves so I thought that was the right choice for me in this instance . Yeah yeah , I know , I was only a kid , things couldn ' t have been that bad , etc . Please spare me that , I really don ' t want to hear it . I was 10 and there was no light at the end of the tunnel . I did the clich writing of a note and tried to stab myself with a knife in the chest I was 10 , not exactly that well versed in efficient ways of killing myself . Fortunately my parents walked into the room and grabbed the knife from me and we had a long discussion which ended in me having my first round of visits to a psychiatrist . Things ended pretty well after that since I moved on to a middle school that none of them attended . nbspNow on to time number two . Fast forward 6 years , it ' s the fall of my junior year in high school . I started my first real relationship and quickly fell madly in love with her . She was beautiful , smart , funny , and caring . We were inseparable and things were great For about a few months Spring rolls around and we start to argue a lot , I try to do everything I can to appease her but she lays into me about how everything in the world is my fault . I start selfharming , nothing big at first just some small cuts and scrapes on my arms . But the longer she yells at me , the bigger and deeper they get , they move to my shoulders , back , chest and legs . I still have the scars from these . I was so convinced that everything was my fault , I mean I was so devoted and reliant on her that I couldn ' t believe that she ' d ever do any wrong . My best friend starts to pick up on what ' s going on and tries to help me by pointing out what she ' s doing but I just ignore him since I ' m so convinced that it ' s all my fault . Later on in that spring I ' m spending most of the day with her and she just starts yelling at me and insulting me . I begged her to kill me so she wouldn ' t have to deal with me anymore . After that I start seeing another therapist woo hoo ! Second therapist ! who helps me with the depression and helps me stop cutting . We don ' t break up and we manage to mend the rift between us and have an amazing summer together . Then fall sets in and she ' s back to treating me the same way she did in the spring . I guess you guys know where this is going , more cuts and they ' re even deeper than before . Things get pretty shitty but then we have a great winter together and I ' m still convinced we can work things out . Our spring ends up going pretty neutral , it had its high points and low points but nothing hugely significant . Summer rolls around and I ' ve managed to stop cutting again and I ' m pretty much done with suicidal thoughts . I see my therapist for the last time in June I think it was . Summer goes great , I work an 85 job and love it . We spend what time we have together and it seems like we ' re both happy until one night she drops to bombshell of wanting time apart to see how she really feels . We do that , she comes back a week or so later telling me she loves me and it seems like everything is going well . We talk about me going off to college she ' s a year behind me and we both want to try to stay together . I ' m so happy I decide to shell out big time for her birthday present I decided to spend on my paychecks on concert tickets for her favorite band Bye bye $ 700 . Things seem to be great for the next two weeks , and then the night before I ' m slated to leave she tells me she wants to break up . That sucked and I cried a bit , but I wasn ' t really all that sad . Suddenly it seemed like the clouds cleared up and the sun was shining on me . nbspSo here I am some 3 months later , single as can be but happier than I ' ve been in the past two years . I haven ' t cut or even considered suicide in ages . I ' ve spent so much time either trying to kill myself or seriously contemplating it that I ' m not afraid of death anymore . When my time comes I ' ll pop that half grin I ' m so used to , and walk towards Death with a twinkle in my eye , embrace him like an old friend , and move on to whatever comes next .