I know a big part of this is gender roles and validation but the other half of the coin is that as a kid my first kiss was actually from an older boy who was my best friend at the time and I actually experimented sexually with lots of the boys around where I lived until I got caught and was so ashamed because my family is christian that i went into super repression mode at around 810 can ' t remember exactly because repression made me forget so much It wasn ' t until after this that I started pursuing women seriously in my thoughts . Ive dated my share of girls since then because I wasnt an ugly guy and am outgoing but I have never liked being masculine and i always felt like i was putting on an act and playing the role a man was expected to play by being the masculine one in the relationship years before I knew that I was transgender . I also found out i dont know how to say no to and just melt for almost any assertive guy coming onto me and have almost cheated on my gf because of that which really scared me because I didn ' t know I was capable of that . I ' d never had an issue saying no to flirtatious women in my life and thought I had more self control than I apparently do . I ' ve been struggling with the thought that I may have overemphasized my attraction to women to fit in with my parents expectations and now that I ' m letting go of so much of the old me and my parents opinions of me that I may have always been more attracted to men than women .