Reminds me of 9 th grade . First time laying pipe <| sep |> there is no way those were your best players <| sep |> You aren ' t the first person to mistake a strong compulsion for intimacy with new friends as a romanticsexual compulsion , and you won ' t be the last . It ' s always horrible to feel unwanted feelings , as it ' s not something you can actively control . But it sounds to me like it ' s more like admiring someone REALLY strongly , and a mixture of wanting to be them and be close to them emotionally , but perhaps also physically , without this needing to be sexual . If this rings true after all , diagnosing over the internet is haphazard at best , haha , then I wouldn ' t berate yourself over it , or over wanting friendships . I ' d focus on happy feelings from spending time AS FRIENDS , or getting closer through shared conversation , rather than thinking too far ahead . Focus on the moment , rather than keeping them forever . Refusing to go out with them cements the idea that there ' s something wrong with you , and you can ' t have friendships . This isn ' t true , and I ' m sure you ' ll be able to have some wonderful friends once you focus on enjoying the delight in moments and hanging out , rather than trying to cement a certain future of friends forever . Take it as it comes I hope this helps !