Exactly . Especially after he just got done smooching all of his players before they go into the locker room . <| sep |> Read , go on your phone , work . Pretty much anything you can do in a bus . The main advantages are with nonhuman transport , traffic , safety , and parking . <| sep |> Not sure what you mean by ' wood and spore '. Spores are the ' seeds ' of fungus . Tiny issue with comma splices , but otherwise this is a fairly clean draft . Nonsense , there are no corpses or debris , Sir Lorent said . This is the comma splice I found . Should really be ' Nonsense ! Sir Lorent said . There are no corpses or debris . Putting the dialogue tag there also helps show where the full stop should come in that sentence . I have some issues with the way you describe emotional responses . I think you could unpack them a bit more and resolve some issues you have with telling and not showing . but Aventine saw rage and hatredLittle bit of a POV issue here . Aventine can ' t ' see ' hatred . She can see Lorent ' s twisting face , but she can ' t say what Lorent is thinking at that time . You could probably unpack these expressions a bit show us the facial twists rather than just tell us what he ' s experiencing . When the POV character has to guess the opinion of another character just through body language , I ' m often wary of these kinds of statements when writing myself . I try to pull myself up when I am tempted to use one , because it feels like a bit of a cheat code within third person limited . You do that well when you say Lorent has a ' cruel smile ' on his face . Aventine lifted her face to the sky as the rain finally stopped . From the first step into the forest she had felt small and weak , like prey walking unwittingly into the den of the hunter . They had left the strength and structure of the Empire behind and stood on the border of an alien and hostile land . A land of shadow and death that had swallowed an entire century of the Legion ' s best and left no trace . ~~ For the first time in her life , she felt the seeds of dread and despair take root deep in her soul . ~~ She looked at Brax , but the grim face of her mentor held no doubt or fear . His entire focus was on the far treeline . I do this quite a bit , but recently listening to someone else do it was very plodding to hear it all spelled out in this manner . Try to cut this down to show rather than tell . The crossed out sentence to me punctures any sense of tension or resolution the following sentence ' She looked at Brax . ' creates . Show us what she does don ' t just tell us what she feels . Maybe it ' s just the order of those two sentences , but try to show the building dread and despair here rather than tell us what she feels . I think this is related to the ' rage and hatred ' issue I had earlier on the four emotional words actually don ' t convey as much emotion as going a little bit deeper into actually showing her response to the sight of the massed army . It ' s a purple way of saying ' She was frightened ', but it doesn ' t actually convey any actual fear or dread . She actually feels like the protagonist I am being a little bit stereotypical here because a female character in amongst a lot of men feels like the female protagonist following the action but she ' s just an observer in this scene . But otherwise this is good , solid writing and you ' ve got a strong foundation to build on here . All of this is what I see in my own writing when I go back and look it over , so please believe me we ' re on much the same level and I ' m trying to work on the way I convey character emotion and help the reader understand the context of those emotions as well . In this case I think you have to really up the tensionsuspense , because although you tell us about things that are making your MC afraid , you ' re not actually showing me an awful lot to be particularly scared of , or conveying a real sense of dread amongst your characters . That ' s something to work on when you rewrite really getting to grips with conveying tension as well as just telling us it ' s there .