I Own A Peloton Bike, And I'm Better Than You
By: Caroline D'Agati
When we're awake at 4 a.m. on Christmas morning, our Lululemon athleisure wear hugging every crevice of our hard, angular bodies, where will you be? In bed wasting oxygen. That's where.
Caroline D'Agati
Last year my friend Courtnee got a Peloton exercise bike for Christmas from her partner. She recorded her Peloton journey every day and gave the vlog to her partner for his Christmas gift this year. For some reason, people are throwing out all this negative energy on Twitter about it, calling it a "dystopian fitness inspo hellscape."
First of all, for those of you who joked that she went from a "size two to a sweatier size two," you just show how ignorant you are. Courtnee is a size 4, okay, and it's not cool to make fun of someone's weight problem. She's really been struggling with the extra six pounds she gained when she was pregnant with Sawyer. Ever since, she's been battling serious sugar cravings (probably because of her Candida overgrowth).
So what if when she's feeling really carby she binges with a few rice cakes? Yes, once a month she splurges on a Stevia and camel milk latte—but she feels so guilty after. The Peloton is helping her and you shouldn't judge her journey.
Anyway, if you were paying attention to the vlog, you'd see that her Peloton took the place of her dining room table. If that's not conquering your demons, I don't know what is.
Secondly, what the vlog didn't tell you is that Peloton wasn't even what she wanted. She told her partner Thad that she wanted these simple 18K gold dumbbells. But Thad's bespoke yacht cover business hasn't been doing well (You didn't hear this from me, but I heard he only made six figures last year!).
So, needless to say, Courtnee and Thad are in dire straits. She was just acting excited about the Peloton because she knew a $2,000 bike that goes nowhere was all he could afford.
Worst of all, people made fun when she said she was "a little nervous, but excited" about her first ride. Listen, Courtnee has a serious condition called "stationary bike phobia." She's had it ever since she fell off her mom's vintage Schwinn Airdyne when she was two. She literally has PTSD. Would you make fun of a veteran for having night terrors? No? Because it's literally the same thing. Probably worse.
This whole thing has turned Courtnee's world upside down. It's created such an energy imbalance that quartz crystals aren't enough to center her anymore (she even buried them underground overnight to restore their energies!). She's been tracking her meditation in the Mindfulness app, but her shaman still had to come and do an energy detox on the Peloton to get rid of its harsh aura. It's gotten so bad that she and Thad are even considering consciously uncoupling.
As another proud Peloton owner, I don't expect you to understand the inner peace of people like Courtnee and me. Our kind of joy feels different. I mean, we wake up before the sun to have a stranger yell at us as we furiously pedal on an overpriced bike that will never take us anywhere.
When the nanny is sick and I actually have to speak to my children, or when Lupita forgets to stock up on pamplemousse, nothing re-centers me like my Peleton. When we're awake at 4 a.m. on Christmas morning, our Lululemon athleisure wear hugging every crevice of our hard, angular bodies, where will you be? In bed wasting oxygen. That's where.
Courtnee's Peloton journey is a portrait in courage. Painstakingly taking video of herself every day was clearly a selfless gesture. You need to make more room in your life for positivity. Now I'm going to go get a colonic and go on a social media fast. Namaste, peasants.
Caroline D'Agati is a writer, former park ranger, and New Jersey expatriate living in DC. She studied English at Georgetown and media studies at The New School. You can follow her on Twitter at @carodagati.
basic bitch
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