Funniest TV One-Liners
30 Funniest TV One-liners
"So, Debbie McGee, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
"War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot"
"Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon just had a great idea"
"Let's face it, Tony - the only way you're gonna be in there is if you're both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or nut, which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex"
"I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh, my god, WTF: Why the face?"
"We have a caller on the line who fears he may be a gay. He's married so we'll only refer to him by his Christian name - this is Domingo from Little Oakley"
"For me to be attracted to a woman, she has to be just as intelligent or slightly less intelligent as me"
"I'm normally not a praying man but if you're up there, please save me, Superman"
"A moo point. It's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo."
Max: "It was my grandad's. He shot a German with this." Paddy: "Was that in the Second World War?" Max: "No, it were in Benidorm. He had a row over a sun lounger"
"It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York - it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises"
"With a van, it's like you've got an MBA but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore, you're a man with a van. Jez, we could be men with ven"
"I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually - you just have to want a really shitty body"
"I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do, whereas priests, er, more drink?"
"Them dolly birds that dance on Top Of The Pops, what are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is"
"Are you pregnant? Career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo"
"Sorry, I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind"
Lois: "Peter, tell Chris that women are not objects" Peter: "Your mother's right, Chris, listen to what it says"
"Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a week"
"She's football crazy! She's football mad! I can't think of a footballer Ulrika hasn't had!"
"'Ere Boyce, this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the letters, you've got yourself a personalised number plate"
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away"
"That minister's about as much use as a marzipan dildo"
"You know what they say, no man is an island. But what about the Isle of Man?"
"You're black and your last name is Black? That's like if my name was Larry Jew"
Twist: "Have sex! That's all you want to do. I'm not just here for one thing! Why can't you see me as a whole?" Brian: "I do" Twist: "A whole, Brian, with a 'w'" Brian: "Oh"
"I'm not a malicious woman and I will strike down the first person who says I am"
"Welcome to your first bante-natal class. I'm your tutor, Antonio Banteras"
"Garfield 3: Feline Groovy. It's a pun! Because cat's paws have grooves!"
"I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers"
Michael Hogan
Bob Mortimer serenades the Shooting Stars team captain, Ulrika-ka-ka.