10 Bizarre Romance Novel Covers That Shouldn't Turn Anyone On (Photos)
By Connor Toole and Alec MacDonald
Cheesy romance novels are a staple of beaches and airport bookstores everywhere, with the vast majority of covers featuring a man who lost his shirt cradling the limp body of a woman and a title injected with innuendo.
We've never been desperate enough for reading material to crack one of these open, but we don't think we actually have to subject ourselves to the overwrought dialogue and flowery euphemisms to understand the general premise of almost all of them.
As far as we can tell, most romance novels play out as follows: a man meets a woman, they have sex multiple times and the author manages to use every single synonym for "thrusting" and "engorged" in the thesaurus in the process.
If they want to survive in the ruthless world of romance novels, writers are forced to take that traditional structure and incorporate slightly less traditional themes because meeting a young Spanish tourist on the beach just doesn't do it for postmenopausal women anymore.
Here are some of the more absurd books we've come across, complete with a completely made up plot inspired only by the art on the front.
It's time to judge a book by its cover.
Mine is already turned on.
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: NASCAR sexiest driver is Danny Hammond -- at least he was before hitting the wall during the final lap of the Daytona 500 and flying wildly into the stands.
Nine people died that day, but he wasn't one of them. Neither was Debra, the woman whose lap he landed in who nursed him back to health while teaching him a brand new way to rev his engine.
Romance novels should not have the same name as a Dustin Hoffman movie about a deadly contagion.
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: A shirtless hunk named Brennan Bride wandered into a bar in a sleepy West Virginia town with three things in his pants: a wad of $100 bills, an impressive member and a nasty case of chlamydia.
This is what happens when he forgets to mention the last one.
One of those words doesn't belong in the title of a romance novel, and it's not "By" or "Morning."
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: Upon learning that her ex-lover, Marshall McFluffyPubes, is in Venice at the same time as her, Sheryl calls him up and reminds him of a sacred pact they made, all those years ago.
They had said that if neither of them were married in 10 years, they'd get together and he'd put a baby in her by morning. So that's exactly what they did. Then they went and got Plan B.
No one should ever look at a clown like that.
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: After spending more than a decade marauding up and down the East Coast with a traveling circus, Whoopsie the Clown didn't think he'd ever have the chance to settle down.
But when Lorraine sees Whoopsie's performance at a show in Newport News, Virgina, she felt funny inside for more than one reason. Is it true clowns with big shoes are big in other places? She's going to find out.
I would not be shocked to hear women are prizes at certain carnivals in the Persian Gulf.
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: This would have been the plot of "Taken 2" if Liam Neeson had failed his mission in the first movie.
This gives a whole new meaning to "Oh my God."
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: While vacationing in Ireland, Molly encounters a sheep farmer in the country who invites her back to his house. She asks for a glass of water and discovers she's talking to Jesus after it turns to wine when he carries it over to her.
Jesus isn't prepared to deal with the stresses of the modern world, but Molly is more than willing to help him find his way. The Second Coming is only the beginning.
What's the only thing sexier than a billionaire with twins?
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: After spending years fruitlessly searching for a suitable mate, billionaire Preston Archibald Hudson IV has a team of scientists create two identical clones using his DNA to raise as his own children.
However, the nanny he hires to help watch the twins doesn't just know how to take care of the babies -- she know hows to take care of her man as well. What do you get for the man who has everything?
She has a few ideas.
To answer the above question: A cowboy with triplets
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: This cowboy's girlfriend dumped him because he wouldn't take off his hat during sex, so now he doesn't have a date for the Valentine Community Ball.
This is, of course, THE cultural event of the season. Stressed about showing up without a date, he decides to take life by the horns and adopt three Asian babies to be his escorts.
Once he shows up with these adorable, healthy babies at the dance, all the adult women get jealous or impressed and he leaves the babies in a cardboard box as he goes and has an orgy with a bunch of MILFs.
And the "Creepiest Romance Novel Cover Award" goes to...
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: I'm not touching this one (is what that cowboy should have said).
I don't think anything is going to top this, so I'm going to stop here.
The (Totally Made Up) Plot: A woman has sex with a dinosaur.
I'm done.