Talk Back: Don't cut requirements for substitute teachers; kids deserve more
We got in trouble a lot when we were in school. Hardly a day went by that we weren't sent to the office. Usually several times. Not the office with the 9-foot paddle, but the other one. Where the school shrink hung out. We couldn't figure out why. Checking over our answers several times was just common sense. But noooo. Somebody decided that meant we had OCD.
Obsessive compulsive disorder.
One day, we arrived at Nap Time 101 — what else are you supposed to do while lying on a couch for hours on end — just as this white-bearded dude wearing a red suit jumped out of a sleigh and dashed inside while continuously scanning an unbelievably long piece of paper with a whole bunch of names written on it. Seems this OCD thing was catching. Well, old Kringle was so fleet of foot that he got the regular doc. Leaving us stuck with a sub instead.
Dcr. Haldanish.
Now this cat was certified looney-tunes. First of all, that title was no misprint — a point he took great pride in emphasizing. He was a docker. Not a doctor. He sounded exactly like Mel Brooks. And he spent the entire session talking about his patients — this was in the pre-HIPPA days, so invasion of privacy carried no penalty — and how he cured them of their compulsion to tear paper by telling them not to do it anymore. So how'd a wacky-doo like that become a fill-in school psychiatrist? It's quite simple, really.
He had a GED. And he was a former student's first cousin once removed.
Yeah, we know. It sounds about as kooky as Dcr. Haldanish himself. But one Michigan lawmaker likes the idea so much he wants to make meeting those criteria all that's necessary for another important job.
That of substitute teacher.
Prior to last fall's election, freshman State Rep. Bad Paquette taught Spanish at Niles New Tech Entrepreneurial Academy. And ran into all sorts of trouble whenever he needed to find a replacement on the days he couldn't be there. Usually, the only person interested was someone whose beer brand-related email address sounded more like that of a college party animal than someone attuned to the finer points of español. Hardly a confidence booster.
And neither is the Niles Republican's solution.
It's already hard enough to find enough people who want to teach full-time. The number of students enrolled in teacher preparation programs has dropped more than 35 percent in recent years. And tracking down substitutes to replace anyone sidelined by illness or an unexpected emergency has become such a headache for school districts that many increasingly call upon their principals or other teachers to pull double duty to keep the classrooms staffed. The agencies that supply many of the subs have also felt the pinch — resorting to snapping up billboards by the dozens, begging for applicants to address the shortage. Even the state's gotten into the act — chopping the number of college credits would-be substitutes must first attain from 90 to 60.
None of that's good enough for Rep. Paquette. He wants to zero them out completely.
In his book, the courses you've studied and your competency in them apparently count for naught. Teaching ability and classroom demeanor are equally irrelevant. So long as you have a high school diploma or its equivalent and are related to a current or former student in the district, congratulations. You're more than qualified to be a substitute teacher. Even if you don't know the difference between a beta particle and a hypotenuse.
Or can only habla inglés.
Granted, book learning does not always a good teacher make. Neither does being someone's great-uncle Joe. We don't expect all classrooms to be led by rocket scientists, but entrusting students' education — even on a substitute basis — to the Three Stooges simply because their sister has answered the office phone since graduating ten years ago makes about as much sense as hiring Bubba the Temp as senior preparer at Taxes R Us because his half-brother Gator brews their coffee every morning.
There's a lesson to be learned here. Beware of lawmakers bent on "fixing" education. They only muck things up all the more. Six months ago, it was giving schools letter grades. Today, it's the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. No wonder teachers and administrators are pulling their hair in frustration. And Lansing's predictable response? Diagnosing them as having OCD. And sending them down the hall.
For an appointment with Dcr. Haldanish.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard Saturdays 9 a.m. to noon on WABJ, 1490 AM, Adrian, and at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.