Finding sovereignty in loving relationships
Open Fri, 01/08/2021 - 05:47
Hi Jen - thanks so much for sharing. This is invaluable and I encourage all to read, especially for people either in relationship or coming into it.
I have had direct experience of this dynamic too - "oppressor/victim" - and bear witness to how hard it can especially be be to break it down the victim mentality. And there are plenty of variations of the dynamic - where the "oppressor" is over compassionate for example and indavertantly limiting the other that way. Rest assured, we can break the cycles, but some of the complex dynamics require a lot of dedication and persistance over a long period of time, both in an out of relationship.
What I feel is being described here is a distortion of the Magdalen energy. In it's aligned form, it's highly empathic - the sense of dissolving into the field, and particularly into another's field, is how it becomes possible to feel what they're feeling and have an intuitive sense of the shifts and movements in other people's fields. That's why the Magdalen "Goddess" energy was highly revered in society, and worshipped.
However other energies easily slip in on this vibration, because one can lose sense of self. Particularly the "Black Snake" energy can come in through the unconsciousness - a distorted elemental that holds reality constructs in place through mutual co-dependency. The Magdalen energy is highly discerning through its empathic nature, but that can easily become judgmental - there's a tendency to believe the expressed truth and the risk is to condem reality to a fixed construct - "you're always like this". In this way it's important to realise the oppressor is played too, by the distorted masculine/paternal energy of wanting/needing to protect. The dynamic builds a raft of debilitating energetic cycles of projection or acquiescence that the Black Snake energy feeds off.
Importantly this cycle CAN be broken down. It requires a good deal of dedication to watching oneself in relationship. It's excellent to get a good centering and grounding by being alone for a considerable period of time (as you did), however, crucially, that WON'T solve the problem. It can simply re-emerge when you enter into relationship again.
What I've found does work, is to come gently into relationship again, but be very careful of boundaries, and the focus of attention when you're together. This is where knowing your own Sacred Ground of Being is utterly essential, and having attention focussed on that especially when you're together.
Here are some key things to watch for...
1. Feel for the boundaries - how does each engagement want to truly go in the moment?
2. Be attentive to places where you might slip into unconscious routines. ESPECIALLY the little and apparently inconsequential ones - for example, the simply use of emoticons in text messaging and how they cause you to take on an unconscious programmed expression, that might not always be appropriate. We need to hold the space to be confrontational aswell as accepting.
3. Make sure there's plenty of space and that each follows the choices that are exactly right for them
4. Expect the relationship to keep evolving and changing, especially in the patterns of behaviour - allow for that to happen
5. I would say sleeping seprately is a very important one. Because energies merge unconsciously when you sleep through the night with another. For this reason be especially attentive when you go to sleep at night that you've established and protected your boundaries.
That may sound pretty full on and laborious! But it's worth it. It builds sovereign relating experiences that are authentic and in truth. Love is there. But real love. Not that masquerading as co-dependency.
It's a steep learning curve in self-mastery for sure!