Danny Palumbo
Italian Fest: What To Wear
by Danny Palumbo
It's that time of year! Soon, the smell of tank top sweat and meatball subs will be permeating the air because people all across the Midwest will be celebrating Italian Fest! Italian Fest is a wonderful celebration filled with lost children, fighting, and bocce. The date of Italian Fest varies from city to city, so If you're going to this celebratory event this Summer, Fall, Winter, or Spring, you'll want to be prepared. That's why I've developed a short Italian Fest fashion guide to help you look your best!
One thing we know for sure: Italians are the sassiest people on earth. Michael Corleone, Tony Soprano, Henry Hill – they were all adventurous, free spirits that were a little saucy. They also dressed the part. Italian fashion is bold and always makes a statement, and nothing says, "I'm Italian" like a t-shirt that says, "I'm Italian." News flash my Medigan friend, there's no such thing as TOO much Italian pride. So, when it comes time to dress yourself the morning of the biggest festival of the year, don't worry, you've got a wide selection of t-shirts that will let everybody know, "Hey! I'm Italian!"
I'm not yelling. I'm Italian
Look, Italians yell a lot. It's a fact of life that we all have to just deal with. Do you find yourself being overly aggressive in public and don't feel like explaining why? Do you never want to deal with your issues? Pop one of these babies on and let the shirt do the "I'm not really apologizing" for you!
No, this doesn't mean Federal Bureau of Investigation. This shirt means Full Blooded Italian. That literally translates to, "I'm the most Italian." What a power move. Wear this shirt, puff out your chest, and let everyone else at Italian fest know that their best-case-scenario is being the same amount of Italian as you.
I survived an Italian father
Your Dad hit you because he's Italian. People will say, "No, that's not true. Come on, Frank's a good guy." Then, you'll point out that "Survived" is written in blood red. This shirt is a cry for help but also gets the point across: You are in fact Italian.
Pray for me. My Wife is Italian.
Your wife hit you because she's Italian. Bummer. The good news is this shirt will help make light of a tough situation. They don't make any "Pray for me my husband is Italian" shirts because the implications are much more sinister.
That's my fashion guide for this year's Italian Fest! Don't forget, even though you've never been to Italy, make sure to call it the "Old Country." Ciao!