The Drunkard Nation: At Long Last Represented at the White House
by Dylan Jesse
Written by Dylan Jesse
Regardless of your political leanings, or stumblings, or fuck-off-I-was-already-sitting-heres, you have to feel that one special kind of swelling that bypasses the liver and goes straight to the g-dang 'murican core of us all (unless you're in South Africa or the UK–hi, by the way): we finally have a president who commissioned his own in-house beers. This might not be news to you, but it was to me because my friend Elijah Craig tends to keep me a bit behind the times. However, upon cruising We the People, our Executive Branch's public outreach initiative, I found a gem. The kind of gem that would make Junior cry "That belongs in a museum!" It's true–the White House has its own beer recipes, and they actually sound both delicious and downright patriotic. And on top of that, they've made the recipe and instructions public to help us fine voters and "oh shit–it's election day?" slackers partake in the same suds that our Commander-in-Chief can enjoy in that damn fine house of his. Now, if we can just get growler service or at least a tasting bar…
Lest you have any nagging concerns, we're not here to be another partisan political mouthpiece–we'll stand up in defense of the Creature wherever and whenever we have to, but I'm feeling patriotic right now (due in large part to Mr. Craig), so let's all take a moment to rejoice. This is apparently the first administration on record to actually produce an alcoholic beverage on the White House grounds, and that has to be a point of pride for us all, regardless of whether or not you like President Obama. Sure, Jefferson loved sherries and wines and made his own at Monticello, and Washington made his own whiskey and beer at Mount Vernon, but Obama appears to be the first to have his own line of microbrews made right in the White House. But that's not all…
If you checked the recipes, you may have noticed a crazy prevalence of honey, but that's because they have the first ever bee hive on the South Lawn for the express purpose of using the honey in their recipes. And President Obama has a record of enjoying a beer with a soon-to-be Medal of Honor recipient, so a series of White House designed beers with honey from their back yard just makes a certain kind of sense. According to the response on We the People to the petition (and way to go, beer fans, for starting that petition) about releasing those recipes, it seems like the President just gets us: he bought a damn homebrew kit for the kitchen, and they looked around for something cool that they had on hand, and said "Fuck it–we gots us some bees, so let's make some beers with this."
Frankly, I think it's long overdue, but we now have someone in the highest office in the land who finally stood up and said "Let's brew some beers our damn selves." In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven't attempted to recreate their recipes, and frankly I don't care. We Hammers are about the principle of the matter, and this is enough to make me want to go out and buy every friggin' flag I can find just to celebrate the fact that we have a president who made it part of his schedule to commission some new beers that use an ingredient (which can be used for good or for ill) that was practically within reach of the kitchen windows because he likes that people are stepping up and creating their own brews and their own businesses therefrom. It's our way–if no one else is doing things the way we want, then we ought to just start doing it ourselves.
So, politics aside, join me in toasting the first ever beers to be made on White House grounds and even using something produced on those selfsame grounds. That's just downright resourceful, and it ought to warm not just your heart, but the parts adjacent to those organs normally warmed by a good bourbon or stiff vodka or whatever else it is you drink. You know, those obscure parts between your booze intake hole and the dirty, dirty organs that exist just to break it down and filter it out of you. The ones that must be punished for getting it all wrong and making us have to remind them time and time again. They stand between us and freedom, damnit, but at least we've gotten a homebrew operation going in our government. We all know they need it, so here's hoping this is the start of a long and delicious tradition. Cheers.
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Dylan Jesse
Dylan is a freelance writer and general itinerant who now lives in what may very well be a some kind of hippie commune, but which has an official beer sponsor (thanks, Montucky Cold Snacks!). He has many thoughts on what you can do with your flavored vodkas, and none of them include drinking. He occasionally accosts ducks in public places, so please do not be alarmed if you see him doing this. They know what they did.
They know.
If you know of any breaking news or troubling rumors that should be brought to the unfocused attention of the drinking masses, write him a letter and include a SASE to [email protected]
The 2016 Election: a Refferendum on the Creature – The Brutal Hammer of Truth says:
[…] to the Oval Office: he was our first Commander in Chief on record to have beer made directly on White House grounds. Today, that legacy is threatened by the prospect of a teetotaler who has a history of failing as a […]