Hydia - Cloris Leachman! She wants her daughters to grow up to be thoroughly evil witches.
Draggle & Reeka - Madeline Kahn & Rhea Perlman! Hydia's bumbling daughters. Looking at the characters, I cannot help but suspect that the animators drew inspiration from the two actresses when they created the pair of sister witches (though Rhea would need to eat about 300 cakes to look like Reeka).
The Smooze - A purple singing blob that ruins everything it touches.
You are probably asking yourself why a man who loves good movies, such as "Seven Samurai," and enjoys bad movies, such as Robot Monster, would intentionally watch something like "My Little Pony: The Movie." I mean, at thirty-seven years of age, I am hardly the target demographic of a film about cute pastel-colored ponies trying to save their purple castle from a trio of clumsy witches. Watching such a film is only going to cause me pain, and no good is going to come of it. Right?
For some reason (human nature, most likely), people love to read about another member of the species who experiences a suitably horrific incident. The unfortunate soul does not even have to survive the traumatic event. Being eaten by a bear or caught in the middle of a gruesome genocide carried out by machete-wielding murderers is the sort of thing that gets authors (or sometimes their biographers) onto the New York Times bestseller list. That gent who was trapped by a boulder and had to cut off his own arm to escape wrote a book that made the bestseller list and they made a movie about it. People do not buy that book to learn about Aron Ralston. They read it for the graphic description of a man who has to amputate his own arm with a Leatherman pocket tool.
Mr. Aron Ralston, my apologies if you ever read this and it seems like I am comparing my discomfort at watching a terrible children's film to you having to amputate your arm. I have not read your book, nor seen the movie; nevertheless, you have my respect. On the other hand, given the choice of proving my mettle by self-amputation or watching "My Little Pony: The Movie," I'll take the f***ing ponies.
All I'm trying to say is that you are reading this because you want to enjoy me suffering. Very well, I'm up to the task; let us begin.
One of my biggest complaints about the ponies is that all of them have tramp stamps. No, I'm not kidding. Each and every My Little Pony has a design on both sides of their hindquarters that corresponds to their name. So, the name and tramp stamp are connected. North Star has a compass rose on each cheek, Shady has sunglasses for a tramp stamp, and Sweet Stuff has muffins tattooed all over her butt. What would you think of a girl with muffins on her fanny who wants you to call her "Sweet Stuff?" I'll tell you what you'd think, and it involves sneaking out before she wakes up and never calling her again. Egad but those tattoos are inappropriate, and they just have to be tattoos. I refuse to believe that they are birthmarks and that the Almighty put them there.
Truth be told, the last time I saw any girl whose name was "Sweet Stuff," she was up on a stage dancing around a pole. No, she did not have any tattoos on her butt. Yes, I would have seen them.
The ponies live in a valley where everyone always gets along, and everybody is just as happy as can be (except for Shady, who probably needs Prozac). It's the sort of fantasy life that is only found in children's cartoons. There is no poverty, hunger, or abusive relationships. The worst thing that happens is when Lickety Split tries to improvise during the big dance number at the spring festival and causes a pile-up. One of the adult ponies dresses her down for being self-centered, which prompts the spoiled little four-legged brat to run away from home. All of the other ponies split up into search teams to find the poor little girl before she has to spend a night alone in the dark forest.
There aren't any predators, the temperature is warm and comfortable, and apparently horseflies do not live in Dream Valley. What possible harm could come to letting Lickety Split sit in self-imposed time out under an old willow tree overnight?
To be honest, there is one possible reason to be concerned about Lickety Split's safety. Three witches live in an old castle atop a nearby volcano. The mother witch, Hydia, could be a credible threat. If Hydia had a wickedly long iron knife and a sacrificial altar, I bet that there would be a lot fewer ponies in the valley. Finding another My Little Pony with its heart cut out, and then having to bury the defiled corpse in a cemetery filled with pink, blue, and yellow gravestones would take the happy out of anyone.
Unfortunately, Hydia's time and energy is largely wasted trying to teach her klutz offspring how to be evil. I think that the old witch should give it up and focus on sacrificing ponies to Demogorgon, Shub-Niggurath, or whatever evil god it is that she worships. Cutting the heart out of a screaming pony on the night of a full moon has to be more satisfying than seeing your witches-in-training getting splashed and laughed at by pink seahorses. Besides, almost every evil god would love to have a cute, talking pony sacrificed in his honor.
Ponies, ponies for the Blood God!
One of my biggest complaints about this animated train wreck is the songs. The script is banal and contrived to the extreme, but the songs are just mind-numbingly awful. It is obvious that the producers spent some money on their voice actors and actresses. It is too bad that they failed to budget anything for the writers, but it is a disaster that they did not have someone with enough talent to write a song that is anything more than utter trash. Everyone (well, except me) likes to watch the "American Idol" audition shows which always feature several idiots who should know better than to put their lack of musical talent on television. Every song in "My Little Pony: The Movie" is of that caliber...except one. Oops, I'm getting ahead of myself; hold that thought for now.
Hydia, finally sick and tired of her daughters, and ponies, and the ponies' daughters, pulls out the witch equivalent of the atomic bomb: Smooze. The Smooze is a huge purple blob that sprouts multiple heads and arms as needed. It ruins everything it touches, including happy pink little ponies. It is also the only reason to watch any part of the film. Wait, before you try to get me committed, let me explain. I was absolutely suffering my way through this film, irritated, annoyed, and bored, when the Smooze suddenly rolls over the mountains and sweeps down into Dream Valley. Both of the young witches are aboard a ship (which has a patchwork bra for a sail) that is sailing atop of the Smooze. The Smooze and the witches are singing a doo-wop! The song is actually amusing, and so inappropriate that it made me break out laughing. More glee could be found in the fact that, despite the best efforts of the ponies, woodland creatures, and Bushwoolies, the Smooze swallows up Dream Castle. Death and destruction have come to Dream Valley, HOORAY!
To be brutally honest, the Smooze fails to eat, swallow, or dissolve any of the animals. The worst thing that happens is that some of the ponies and Bushwoolies get splattered with Smooze. Being smoozed is not a good thing; anyone contaminated by the purple curse becomes negative and irritable. PMS has come to Ponyland!
Before I get too far past their mention, I'd like to briefly ponder the Bushwoolies. These things look like Gossamer's illegitimate children, but are lacking claws, teeth, or anything else that might protect them from predators. They are not quick, and would probably make an easy meal for a passing hawk or fox. They do live in underground burrows, which I suppose is some sort of survival adaptation. I guess one of the colony keeps watch while the others just roam around, looking for someone (like a passing pony) to latch onto, and I do mean latch onto because Bushwoolies exhibit a lot of codependent behaviors. From what I can tell, a Bushwooly's only function in life is to follow someone around and agree with everything they say.
Presumably, that fills some sort of evolutionary niche.
Hounded by the Smooze and in danger of extinction or permanent PMS, the ponies go to the Moochick to ask for help. He tells them that the Smooze can be stopped by the magical Flutter Ponies. He also gives them a new place to live, the Paradise Estate. It's new! It is pink and it has a swimming pool for all of the little ponies to frolic in! Isn't that just peachy? Let me tell you, the Paradise Estate was the straw that broke this horse's back. It's why I am going to give this movie a skull rating. Even with all of the terrible songs and bland writing, the scene with the Smooze doo-wopping made me want to give it one slime drop. The moment that Paradise Estate descended from the sky, I went from "God, this is cruddy." to "You sons-of-b*****s."
Imagine being that father who took his young daughter and two of her friends to see this in the theater. The poor man already knew that he was subjecting himself to little more than a ninety-minute commercial for toys. He probably expected that there would be some new ponies introduced that he would have to buy. He still plunked down something like $4 a ticket for each kid, $6 for his ticket, and $15 for three popcorns and sodas - $33 to watch a commercial. Then, halfway through the movie, Dream Castle is swallowed up by the Smooze. The $40 playset that he just bought for his daughter for her birthday is suddenly chopped liver. "Daddy, the ponies don't live in Dream Castle; now they live in Paradise Estate! Will you buy me Paradise Estate? Please, please, please? Why not? I hate you! I'm going to run away from home and get a tattoo, just like Lickety Split!"
My God, that is almost the most evil thing I have ever seen in a film. It is almost as bad as what they inflicted upon that poor dad at the end of "The Mist." Did the people who made this film ever stop to think about what they were doing? From a parent's perspective, those toy company marketing executives belong in the deepest pit of the Ninth Circle of Hell, enjoying an ice bath with Satan himself.
As for the rest of the film, the Flutter Ponies do come to the rescue. The Smooze is vanquished, the witches are defeated, and everybody lives happily ever after. Well, except for Shady, because she suffers from undiagnosed equine depression. Also, the Bushwoolies, because they are little more than codependent fuzzy meatballs who will, sooner or later, encounter something that will either eat or abuse them. As for me, the end of the movie is a happy event, but I am not a happy camper. Not a happy camper at all.
Be glad that M.C. Escher wasn't an architect.
There is such a thing as freshwater seahorses; they come in pink and blue.
Sunglasses cause depression.
I need to watch more movies with radioactive mutants, killer robots, and RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS.
Wishing wells were invented by Darwin to ensure the continuation of Evolution through natural selection.
Spiders love Raisinettes.
Miracle-Gro is made from flying pony manure.
18 mins - If we are lucky Lickety Split just broke her leg, and Spike will have to put her down.
36 mins - In my day, no self-respecting boy would be caught dead riding a flying pastel pony and cheering for a rainbow.
45 mins - This looks like a fetish. Boy is that disturbing.
56 mins - Shut up, you furry little freak!
70 mins - Sure, why not? Tickling a giant one-eyed spider monster makes as much sense as anything else in this film.
71 mins - Did I really just say that?
74 mins - "We're doomed. Everybody take your cyanide pills. When you wake up, it will be in that big blue pasture in the sky."
mylittlepony1.wav Hydia: "It's a pity your grandmother isn't around. She'd show you evil. Your grandfather wasn't so nice, either. Those were the good old days, when everything around here was dark and dank and dreary. Before those sweet little ponies came along and made everything clean and bright and colorful. Acchhhppptt! I can't stand it any more!"
mylittlepony2.wav Magic Star: "Into the castle, everyone. The Smooze is coming!"
Baby Shady: "What's Smooze?"
Fizzy: "Will we like it? Is it something nice?"
Magic Star: "I'll explain later! Everyone, inside! Hurry!"
mylittlepony3.wav Wind Whistler: "Meagan, time is of the essence. We've come for the Rainbow of Light!"
North Star: "The witches from the Volcano of Gloom are trying to destroy us."
Meagan: "That's awful! Here, take the rainbow, but let me go back with you. Maybe I can help."
mylittlepony4.wav The Ponies bequeath Dream Castle to the Grundles.
Theme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.
mylittlepony1.mpg - 12.5m
Smooze!
Rainbow Bright and the Star Stealer
Dragonball: The Magic Begins
The Blob (1988)