Wonder Women Columnists
Sexism or ignorance? Men who fail to do housework often don't see the need
Female breadwinners who do most of the housework have to ask themselves why they don't talk to their other half about helping out more, writes Louisa Peacock.
By Louisa Peacock
12:04PM GMT 09 Jan 2013
A friend of mine once played a game with her husband. Well, it was more of a test. She said to herself that she wouldn't empty the kitchen bin for a while, to see how long it would take for her other half to do it.
Not surprisingly, the kitchen bin was brimming full by the end of the week. It had got to the point where you had to stuff a tea bag down any old nook and cranny in the sack full of rubbish.
Still, her husband didn't notice the overloaded bin. He happily stuffed tea bags and empty cartons in there, until one day, he realised it was full, emptied it and carried on as normal.
Apart from being a hilarious interlude to the daily grind, this little series of events suggested something about the male psyche. It's not at all the case that this man was sexist or expecting his wife to do the chore; simply that he didn't think it needed to be done until it really needed to be done.
It is funny then, that a new study makes much noise about female breadwinners still doing most of the housework. The research, based on 30 cohabiting but unmarried couples, found that where women were the primary earners, they also ended up doing most of the household chores. Men still left the majority of housework to them, the study from the University of Indianapolis found.
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It would be easy to jump to conclusions that the men in the study expected their wifey to do the cleaning for them; that it is a woman's job. It would be easy to moan about how career women are expected to do it all at home, be good mothers and homemakers. In some cases, this may be true.
But actually, this study could reflect the simple sentiments of my friend and her unknowing husband. It turns out that one man in the study said he just didn't see the dirt – "I just don't see that it needs to be done," he said.
None of us, men and women, enjoy doing housework, so leaving the chores until the last possible moment it needs to be done is not such a bad strategy. It has nothing to do with sexism. Just because the man isn't the main breadwinner doesn't mean he hasn't also had a challenging day, and prioritises the sofa over emptying the bin.
As long as couples talk about what's expected of both of them, regarding the household chores, I don't see why this should be a problem.
I'm sure in my household that my other half would also fail the bin test. But he'd excel in other areas. I walked in last night, late from work, to find my husband mid-cooking. He'd also tidied the lounge.
The clue to what really might be going on in this study is this: the women who earn more than men but still did most of the house chores had "essentially given up" trying to get their man to do his fair share. This is downright outrageous. Does she actually talk to him about this? Does she ask him to help? Perhaps he just forgot.
Of course there will be some men set in their ways and who truly believe housework is a woman's role. They may have been brought up that way; no one may have ever challenged them on their belief. But the chances are if that particular bloke is living with a woman earning more than him, he's already accepted that traditional societal expectations are no longer the norm.
A recent study found that women spend half as much time on housework today compared to the 1960s; suggesting times have changed and expectations have changed.
Where couples talk through the sensitive matter of the daily dishes, they can come to a compromise about who does what based on realistic expectations. That's what relationships are all about. Not just assuming that the other one knows what they should/ shouldn't be doing around the house.
The study calls for more open conversation too: Amanda J Miller, one of the researchers, highlights "how important it is to talk to your partner before you move in together". Of the couples she studied "very few sat down and had a conversation about who was going to do what and when".
This had led to one primary-earner woman doing all the chores to "avoid arguments".
Perhaps it is naive of me, but so many of these silly domestic arguments could be sorted by a quick, open chat about who does what around the house. There's no point assuming your partner will do something you think he should do.
I for one would vote for the sofa any time over emptying the bins - so can you really blame him for doing the same?
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