Jealous Haters Book Club: Handbook For Mortals Chapter 8 (part three) or "Carrie, but with lemonade"
Now, this may be me being overcautious, but there's a very small instance in this recap where I quote lines that sound like the language used in abuse situations. I'm just giving you a heads up. Because it's fairly creepy. It's very brief and comes during an altercation at a lemonade stand.
Yeah, that's what you're in for with this one.
During the tarot video last week, I mentioned that the action shifts from Zani to her mother. It's another of those triple goddess map or astrology chart whatever page ornament preceding italics section.
"Oh, Zade. You have a very difficult journey ahead. I don't know how, but after everything falls apart, it will all be okay again."
In the tarot video, I covered why there is no way everything is going to be okay. Zade received the worst possible outcome in her spread. There's no way everything is going to be okay.
I mean, it will be. But it shouldn't be, and super great tarot reader Dela would know that if her author hadn't tried to go all in on the drama.
She'd been doing readings every day on Zade and looking in. She still missed Zade's voice and actual interaction with her, but she knew she needed to let Zade be–for now. It wouldn't be like that forever, but Dela needed to be patient till it was time for them to reconnect.
This sounds like some toxic-parent-absolving-themself-of-responsibility bullshit. "I lied to and gaslighted her for most of her life, so she left. I'll wait until she reaches out to me, rather than confront my wrongdoing and apologize." It doesn't work like that. If you fucked your kid up, you apologize first then wait for them to throw the ball into your court. Dela–and basically every other toxic parent out there–is doing it wrong, assuming forgiveness is owed after a passage of time, not an admission of guilt and expression of apology.
Plus, doing a tarot reading to snoop on your own adult child without their knowledge is basically just new age surveillance. You might as well wiretap her phone, Dela.
The door in front of Dela opened, and a young woman in her early twenties entered. She was dressed modestly in jeans and a loosely fitted blouse. Her stringy brunette hair was brushed but not styled and she didn't seem to have on any make-up. She was skinny, amost too skinny, and she looked sad–and slightly scared.
Wait, Anastasia Rose Steele-Grey is in this book, too?
The girl introduces herself as April. She says she's there because she wants a reading, and Dela is like, it's because someone broke your heart.
The reality was that more than half of the people who came to see Dela came because of some matter of the heart. It wasn't too terribly hard to guess that was probably the reason why anyone, including April, would darken Dela's doorstep. Dela, however, wasn't guessing.
No, she's not guessing. She did a cold reading. Next, she's going to be like, "I feel like I'm getting a letter…it's an m…no, it's an s. A J? Did you know somebody connected to a J?" This is something that good readers actually work against because you can do it unconsciously if you don't know what to look out for.
Dela had a general speech for anyone who came in to see her for the first time. She had said the same words thousands of times. She had tweaked what she would say here or there but it was basically the same thing and she always said it with just the right amount of dramatic flare.
Was the thing she said always the same? I feel like it might be the same, but it's only described as being the same three times in that paragraph and I really need this book to tell me things four or five times to get it.
"So, before we begin, I need to explain to you a little of how this works. I will tell you what I see, good or bad. I do not sugarcoat. What I tell you is based on the path you are now on–and the path that those you ask about will take. I can look and see what they will do, but because this is your reading, and you are gaining the knowledge, you will have the chance to change the path, if you so desire, to get the outcome you wish. I can tell you what you will need to do to get your most desired outcome. If you follow what I say, you will see happen what you wish."
Read your fortune, I will.
"Now, with that said, there are things that are set in stone. Our paths are not destined, but Destiny is within everything we do.
Some things you cannot change–and if this is the case I will tell you so. Perhaps you have heard the saying, 'You can't fight fate.' Well, if it is fate's desire then–regardless of the path you take–you will end up in the same place. Do you understand?"
First of all, why does Destiny get to be a proper noun, but fate is just like, there? Does fate not have a personality and consciousness as is implied of Destiny through the bestowing of a capital letter?
Second, how can your path not be destined if everything you do is connected to your destiny? And how are things not fated to happen unless fate wants them to happen? Wouldn't literally anything that happens, ever, be fate's desire by default, then? That's a pretty convenient way to look at the world, isn't it? "This shitty thing happened to you? Must have been fate's desire. Oh well." Dela's little speech here really renders anything anyone ever does as fully pointless and futile, because no matter what we do, we're going to end up in whatever place fate feels like dumping us off in. Her big speech here doesn't just contradict itself; it annihilates hope.
Much like the very existence of this book.
Another handy way that, "Well, I guess it was what fate wanted!" thing works for Dela is, she's a fortune teller. She hands out this disclaimer and when people come back and say, "This thing didn't happen," she can say, "Well, must have been fate." Which is cheap. Readers and psychics and mediums are all human and fully fallible. We can get it wrong. Good readers just accept that they got it wrong and say, "Hey, I got it wrong."
Oh, were you wondering what happens to the girl getting the reading from Dela? Don't. Because that last line of dialogue there ends it. We just needed the girl as a vehicle for the speech. Now, we're back to Zim's POV.
It wasn't but a few days later when I found myself back in the mall. I may not be super keen on shopping but I had finally realized how few "going out" clothes I really owned.
Don't worry, guys! She's only there because she wants to shop for clothes. It's not like she's there shopping for clothes. She's still Not Like Other Girls™.
Because malls quickly made me tired and cranky quickly,
Quickly, you say?
I figured I deserved some lemonade for the suffering I was enduring.
Me the fuck too.
She goes to Hot Dog On A Stick, where the cashier is male:
He was like most teenagers and some of his body were more manly–like his filled-out arms–while other parts like his scrawny legs sticking out of his shorts still looked more like those of a boy. He couldn't have been older than about nineteen or twenty years old.
How did she see his legs? Also, isn't this supposed to be a YA novel? What's with the "teenagers are funny looking, even if they're adults" nonsense? I'm sure that'll be endearing to all those YA readers.
As I dug through my purse for the exact change, I could feel his gaze on me. I hadn't really been paying him any attention but once I looked up I noticed he was just staring at me with the biggest puppy-dog eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm not trying to be weird. You just have really great hair."
I smiled back mostly as a reaction to the compliment. He was not at all my type even though when you looked past the braces and acne he was actually decently cute. Talk to me in ten years.
In ten years? When he's pushing thirty? I thought this was supposed to be a YA novel. But of course, their hands brush as they exchange cash and he tells her she has "striking" eyes.
Do the Hot Dog On A Stick people get tips? Asking so I can defend Alan's poor judgment.
Zardon fiddles with her phone so she doesn't have to engage the absolutely smitten teenaged-hot-dog-adult. Alas:
I glaced up to see if Alan was still staring at me and he was, so he caught me looking at him. He obviously took it as me eyeing him, considering the way he was eyeing me while I was barely paying any attention to the next customer or their order.
Listen, Zlartibartfast isn't into this guy. It's not her fault that she's so sexually alluring to all men everywhere.
If only the tragic, ugly, fat girls of the land could understand that. Alas, again:
A short, stocky girl with mousey brown hair was behind the booth preparing orders. She had obviously noticed the attention I was getting from Alan, and she didn't seem too happy about it either.
Sidebar: Who the fuck does this clown think he is? SHE just wants attention? You wrote a whole song about it and put it all over the radio, crybaby.
"Hey!" she yelled, and even though I was already looking at her through my hair she startled me with her sharp voice. "He's taken."
What's with the looking through her hair thing? All I can think of is:
I frowned in confusion and raised my right eyebrow.
How could she see it if you're hiding under your technicolor dream hair?
The girl stormed out from behind the stand, coming in front of it to get closer to me. She tried to raise herself to my face, but I towered over her. She coudln't have been more than 5'2″, perhaps not even that tall, and was struggling to look tough or mean. She glowered. "I said, he's taken. So you can cut it out with that cute routine you've got going."
Of course, Zooboomafoo knows how it's going down. She's the tough one.
"I'm just waiting for my drink,' I said frostily. I squared my jaw and looked her directly in the eye. I was not afraid of much, and I was definitely not afraid of an eighteen-year-old girl with a jealousy issue.
You can tell how not threatened she is by the way she's telling us how tough she is. And how she fully overreacts to the entire situation.
"Don't give me that, you little skank," the girl spat as her voice got louder. You could visibly see her blood pressure rising.
Thanks for clearing that up, but I cause though I might be audibly seeing her blood pressure rising.
"I saw you batting your eyes."
Okay, but that's not her fault, Lemonade Girl. She's a self-insert.
"Listen," I said, in a much lower and more matter-of-fact tone than her high-pitched bark.
God, Lori is even bragging about how she can get into an argument better than this girl.
I even leaned toward her some before speaking to try to keep the altercation just between us. "You don't want to start anything with me. I suggest you back down now." I formed my hands into fists. As I did so, the vat of lemonade on the counter began to rattle. It was probably unnoticeable to most people–just a slight tremor–but it was definitely rattling.
This is like Mystery Men, when Ben Stiller transforms into "Mr. Fury," or whatever, and all he's doing is fighting some imaginary internal struggle that makes his forehead veins pop out.
The girl stepped back, but only a small bit, and folded her arms. "I'll back off when I want to back off, you miserable bitch." I'm not really sure why I had allowed some lemonade girl to bother me–or what I did what I did next.
Uh, yeah, I'm not really sure why you're getting into a fight with a teenager at a lemonade stand, either. I mean, let's look at this from the parameters Leslie set. The guy at the register is a gangly, awkward kid at the age of nineteen or twenty. She says this girl is eighteen and totally non-threatening and not scary to Zivian. Zippy here is a grown woman with a successful career, two hot guys fighting over her, and the ability to do actual real life honest to fucking god witch magick with a k. So, I don't get why she gave a shit about this girl. Especially since the last time she was attacked at this mall (read that again, it gets funnier the second time you think about it) she found out that men are always going to be attracted to her and women are going to hate her and it's a totally uncontrollable thing. Knowing that you'd think she could go, "Okay, I was a teenager once, and this isn't her fault, she's reacting to my unintentional sorcery," and move on.
Scratch all that. I do know why Zinfandel is getting so packed up about fighting this girl. This chick is 5′ 2″, and we already know Zowie has a hard-on for how tall she is and how intimidating people find it, and she's already told us twice now how short this lemonade girl is.
Sometimes I guess someone just pushes you over the edge. I wanted to teach her a lesson. Sadly, though I doubt I actually taught her anything, I'm sure she will never forget our encounter.
Read this in Daniel Stern's voice from The Wonder Years and it sounds like Kevin Arnold murdered somebody. But wow, the language in that paragraph almost makes me want to slap a content warning on this whole recap, because that sounds like some scary abuse shit.
Actually, let me hop up there and do that right quick.
As soon as the last word left her mouth, I snapped inside. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and shook my clenched fists once more.
I can't even begin to describe the mental image I get from this. Like, not even enough to make fun of it. There's just uncontrollable laughter to the point of tears. In my head, she's making this really scrunched up, constipated expression and like, maybe she'll get so mad that she poops herself? I'm sorry, I can't handle this shit. I have to move on.
The vat of lemonade exploded, sending yellow liquid and shards of glass in every direction. I opened my eyes to see what I had done. When the vat broke and the lemonade went everywhere it had bowled her over and knocked her to the ground. She was drenched in sticky, sugary lemonade. I had made sure that the other customers and any passerby had all "miraculously" been spared being hit. After all, there was no need for anyone else to suffer because of her. She was soaked–dripping from her hair to her fingertips and as she struggled to get back up, lemonade started pooling around her shoes.
And lo, our magikal heroine did vanquish the loathsome fat girl, even though it was super important that our heroine's fearsome magik like, totally didn't, like…get out, and junk? Whatever, I'm sure the satisfaction of this moment will outlast the consequences of going Super Saiyan and acting out a scene from Carrie in the middle of a fucking mall.
Don't worry, she even has a clever line that totally would have made it into the trailer:
I shrugged and declared, "When life hands you lemons…," then turned and left her on the ground.
You can just hear the crunchy early '00s girl rock guitar rift on the soundtrack. It's probably this:
But here's the thing, Limbo: those kids are getting fired. An expensive piece of equipment, an expensive, critically necessary to manufacture one of the store's trademark products piece of equipment, broke during an altercation with a customer. And nothing's going to happen to you. You would have been fine if you just walked away, because you know there's a magikal reason both the guy and the girl behaved the way they did and it's no their fault or something they can control.
But guess what bitch?
You didn't get your lemonade.
And they still have your two dollars.
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"I squeezed my eyes shut tight and shook my clenched fists once more."
…She's miming a hand job oh my God, she really is.
Also I'm amazed that poor girl hasn't been sliced to ribbons by all the flying glass.
Miimers
That was actually my worry too. Glass. Glass shards flying everywhere and we're supposed to be like "Yay! good job Zlartibarfast! You only peed on someone a foot shorter and didn't maim her! Truly the hero we've all been waiting for!"
That's the comment I was going to make! Sheesh, Zanzi is actually pretty dangerous if she's spraying shards of glass around in a crowded food court. And then she just gets to waltz out of there because she lucked out and no one got sliced through an artery or anything. This is very disturbing to me.
Because that "miraculous protective forcefield" stuff sounds like baloney.
And while this is probably one of the least important research fails in this book, most lemonade bubblers are made out of plastic, not glass. For… pretty much this reason. Also, ALL of them have tops. Which are not particularly hard to push off. If you wanted to just soak a girl, you cause the lemonade to push the top off in a big burst and splash the crap out of the girl. Still sort of embarrassing, and kind of weird. But no one will get hurt or fired because of it.
But why do something practical when you can make it EXPLODE?
Atrista
This is so incredibly petty. I feel like, Laaney's cosmic punishment for scamming her way into the NYT's list is that she outed herself as pathetic to the whole world. I mean, she has to create this sad sad confrontation with a short, fat, teenager to make her self-insert show off. This is record cringe! You can't come back from this level of embarrassment.
This is what gets her off?? Daydreaming about being a "badass" in a mall with a couple of teenagers? Even her daydreams are lame and uninspired. Aim a little higher Lassie.
rekhyt
I mean, the previous stuff hasn't shown her in a favourable light but this right there? How much can you hate your fellow women to actually publish this, thinking it's absolutely great?
So the spell sent "yellow liquid and shards of glass in every direction" but it still made sure nobody innocent got hit? Then it didn't go in every direction, did it? Or maybe it slowed down and stopped right before it would have hit them, but it doesn't say that clearly… Still seems inconsistent to me.
Vivacia K. Ahwen
Michael, I was puzzling over that, myself:
"When the vat broke and the lemonade went everywhere it had bowled her over and knocked her to the ground. She was drenched in sticky, sugary lemonade. I had made sure that the other customers and any passerby had all "miraculously" been spared being hit."
Buh-buh-but…Her eyes were closed, and Zamfir hadn't mentioned –while she was raging at this petite teenager– that she was putting some kind of force field out there that protected other customers and the brunette's [What's she got against brunettes, anyway?] boyfriend from the FLYING GLASS. The glass that could seriously have injured the post-adolescent….What if the Bad Brunette Shorty had gotten glass in her eyes? Because Zorro also hadn't mentioned how she would be protecting this girl from injury.
Also-also, "the lemonade went everywhere it had bowled her over and knocked her to the ground. She was drenched in sticky, sugary lemonade." I hadn't been aware that lemonade could knock people to the ground.
I am so confused.
Oh, and is it possible that the teen she "magickally" assaulted at the lemonade stand SOMEHOW been the same girl who turned up at her mum's doorstep through some kind of telekinetic–
–Never mind. That would be too interesting, and would make the lemon-squeezer's role remotely significant to the plot, other than letting everyone know how hawt and magickal mystickal marvelous Zorax was.
Why on earth am I thinking about this?
Keaalu
Reading over this again, she didn't even know she'd exploded the lemonade vat until she "opened [her] eyes to see what [she] had done." So maybe it's an INVOLUNTARY MAGICKAL WITCKH FORCEFIELD that just automatically knows which person to target… because a cascade of lemonade and broken glass flying only at ONE INDIVIDUAL ONLY won't look like you THREW it at them or anything?
ViolettaD
Mr. Morton: We're all sorry about this incident, Cassie.
Carrie: [voice breaking, shouts] It's Carrie!
[Morton's ashtray, without reason, flips onto the floor, backwards. Miss Collins jumps back in shock]
Agent_Z
"Still seems inconsistent to me."
Hmmm, I'm beginning to see a pattern here.
MyDog'sPA
Especially since I've been to that very food court and bought lemonade at that very spot and the lemonade is housed in plastic containers (for safety, obviously).
Clearly Zygodactyl-face doesn't know how to control her powers yet, so I'm going to borrow a suggestion from these guys on how this book should really have ended by now:
Why didn't she just go to another vendor? The food court's full of them.
BTW, I once got lost on my way to a job interview, asked a guy for directions, and his girlfriend came up and punched me in the arm. I didn't bother saying I wasn't interested in him because I was afraid that would piss her off even more (not wanting her prize possession? How DARE I!), and I figured it wasn't worth walking into the interview black-n-blue-n-bloody and wearing a messed-up suit. Just got away and was glad they didn't mug me.
Violetta, yep. Any time a woman has accused me of trying to get "her man," I've either tried to reassure her, or walked away. Not pick a fight. And –though I shouldn't try to speak for most women– I think that's the general consensus of an appropriate reaction. Zeedra is That Girl at the bar who knocks a drink out of someone's hand. But, as many have said, she's Not Like Other Girls, so…
Ugh. How is a reader supposed to identify with her?
And –not that it matters– but Zoolander actually WAS flirting with the Bad Brunette Girl's boyfriend. Zee-bop is gaslighting.
Violetta –again– sorry that my response was a grammatical disaster, but I'm actually SO ANNOYED with a fictional character that my writing skills aren't the greatest. At least Zara has given me a way to safely vent my PMS mood swings.
As you were 🙂
I had no trouble following you, grammatical or not. 😉
Also for me, it's super creepy that author has a fantasy of being hit on by teenage boys. She's 3-fucking-5 years old, and her "talk to me in ten years" makes it even worse! It sounds like all those gross men who harras teenage girls waiting "until they're 18".
Yeah, it's creepy for me too. Her fucked up witchy glamours should come with an age restriction, like only dudes over twenty one need apply. But I suppose Zani is so enamored both with the idea of every male specimen wanting her and with getting to live some frankly pathetic highschool dreams, that she doesn't give two fucks how skeevy she comes across.
Also that "talk to me in ten years" reminds me of that model who recently said those very words about one of the Stranger Things kids. She's twenty seven, and preying on a fourteen years old child, for fucks sake! There are so many disgusting people out there it's appalling.
This is what confuses me, the dude is described as 19 or 20 years old. That's young, sure, but that's a legal adult and only a few years younger than Zoolander.
But it comes off as pedo-like because the way Zoloft talks to him, describes him, the way she refers to him. He's not a child, but she sees him as a child, treats him like he's a child, and despite all this, still thinks he may be "fuckable."
(also, if zzzzz is young-looking enough to confuse bouncers, OF COURSE she's gonna get hit on by teenagers.)
I think the turning down her nose at his age comes from the author forgetting that her character isn't LITERALLY her, and reacting the way SHE would if someone that young hit on her. She forgets that her character is literally 10 years younger than she is and is barely fully formed herself.
This only explains why she views him in a child-like way, not why she also then considers sex with him though. That's still super creepy, not just poor writing.
@mike
"He was like most teenagers and some of his body were more manly–like his filled-out arms–while other parts like his scrawny legs sticking out of his shorts still looked more like those of a boy."
What kind of effin' description is that?? for someone who is not attracted to him, why the overly detailed description of his "manly-like" arms and eyeing the rest of his body? Here, imma gonna describe him without sounding like a creep. okay, here i go…
"The server was a skinny teenage boy."
Back in college in my writing class, I wrote about the time I got my first tattoo and how nervous I was. In one sentence, I described getting on the chair by, "hopping onto it." My teacher gave me the note telling me to change the word "hopping" because it sounded like I was eager instead of apprehensive. It was good advice.
I don't think Lani realizes that words mean things, that when you describe things in a certain way, the reader could misinterpret them. I'm sure Lani didn't mean to have zazu come off as creeper, but because none of her three editors told her to change it, she kept it in.
When I was referring to her looking at him in a child-like way, I was referring to the condescending 'talk to me in 10 years', the dwelling on the ages to emphasize how young they are when the character is only a few years older, and the pointing out his acne and braces to emphasize the age gap, that, again, is not that big. It's very clear to me that the author forgot that it's a 5-7 year age gap, not a 15-17 year gap, and wrote her as though she was thinking he was kind of cute but waaaaaay too young, rather than writing a young character who just prefers men at or above her own age.
But I did add "This only explains why she views him in a child-like way, not why she also then considers sex with him though. That's still super creepy, not just poor writing." for a reason. Obviously it would be preferable she not sexualize the teenager AT ALL, for just, all the reasons.
The section you highlighted though I think was just a terrible writer trying to make sure the readers knew she totally wasn't attracted to him, but also that he's not completely repulsive because god forbid someone ugly think they could flirt with her. That would mean someone beneath her thought they had a chance with her, and we can't have that! This is all wish fulfillment for her. Someone she would never even consider can't possibly sully her with his presence. It doesn't boost her ego to get hit on by ugly people. So he has to be attractive, but also not on her radar. So he'll be her type someday, she can totally tell, but for now she'll stick with Mac and Jackson. For now.
Seriously, the audacity of this bitch. She has the gall to insist that this garbage was worthy of being a NYT bestseller and actually go and do signings and stuff. I can't.
This. Yes this.
Okay, one last thing. Anyone else read "yellow liquid" and think of urine?
Cheryl Z
Tee hee – "exploded sending golden showers and sharts everywhere…"
Yes I am 12 years old apparently.
Yeah, I"m guilty too.
On the plus side, this novel finally has a heroine worth rooting for!
#TeamLemonadeGirl
How.. how does she manage to write Zardos as so utterly despicable? How is the reader supposed to get to the end of the book and NOT hope the MC dies?
Lani Not-Sarem
Um, Zade is an ANTIHERO, duh. She rides a motorcycle and dyes her hair wacky colors. She's ~bad to the bone~.
(I'm kidding, by the way. Zade really is the worst).
Aside from her writing, which can't be helped, this would actually make the story 100% more sensical.
At the end of book 3 she's single-handedly responsible for the apocalypse and the books ends with her pouting about those 18 year old attention-seeking bitches who had to end the world just because they were insecure and jelly of her and Mac-Cam-Jac-Tad-cab-door-hook-hand.
Crystal M
So basically, exactly like this parody video?
I like that, specially if she is in a lot of pain.
As for how, well Sarem is despicable and Larva is just a self insert character in a happy ending fantasy, not a fictional creation that can grown in the journey she is having, therefore the lack of empathy and that`s why you, and everybody probably, want her dead.
Plot twist: her character is actually 35 and has been using a fake ID with everyone all along.
alana skye
Has anyone else seen that Mara Wilson got into a Twitter feud with EL James and at one point recommended that everyone read the Boss series? https://m.imgur.com/gallery/rPffS
Thanks for link. Wheeee!
That's actually how I found the Boss series!
So, the great finale to this chapter is not knew a little more about Jacson and Mac besides they are hot and luv meeee or the importance of tarot in her life, hell even see the relationship whit her mother for better or worse. Nope, it has to be Larva been a bully with a chubby teen.
I been thinking in 2 things later; this should be a way better "handbook" if at the end of every chapter there is a note or somthing saying what she do wrong and what things you can do to improve, mostly because the title of the second book would be "HfMB2: How not to do a second part". On the other hand, I fear that maybe Larva wrote every chapter while listening disney soundtracks because is the feeling that leaft me.
I am sitting in with the toddler and had to laugh into a gorilla toy's arse to stifle the sound. The mental image of Zadani clenching her eyes shut and waving her fists – oh my days. My tummy hurts.
She knows about her affect on other people at this point, she isn't attracted to the guy or threatened by the girl, and she knows full well that she could legitimately hurt this kid, who is only reacting this way because of her own magic (she is low-key roofie-ing everyone around her. It just now occurred to me that if she ever sleeps with anyone she's kind of raping them, since without her magic they wouldn't want her… this adds an extra disturbing layer to all of this). And she reacts by balling her fists, an inherent 'keep it up and I will punch you in the face' gesture, then risks sending her to the hospital by throwing broken glass in her face, and humiliates her in front of a bunch of other people including her boyfriend, and is then proud of herself afterward for having taken down someone smaller, and several years her junior.
When you add that to the fact that she didn't even give a seconds thought to the Lambo girl telling her about her unintentional power implying she either already knew and wasn't doing anything about it or just really doesn't give a shit, she's already knowingly fucked with Mac's feelings, badmouthed Sofia mere hours after she nearly died, clearly believes she isn't beholden to the rules everyone else needs to live by, and how she's constantly looking down on EVERYONE around her, and you've got a legitimately evil person masquerading as the hero of the story. Which could actually be interesting if it weren't for the fact that she is 100% supposed to represent a real person who really feels all of these things and thinks they're all acceptable and awesome. This is legitimately unsettling.
It's actually well timed for the 'worst person I've ever met' posts to be coming out during this, as pretty much everyone in the comments on those posts (myself included) seems to know someone like that, and this book kind of seems like it's from the perspective of the Cathy's of the world. Gives a terrifying glance into how they justify their actions. And in this case the only justification was 'she wasn't a threat to me, and I wanted to make damn sure she knew her place.'
Yep. Sarem clearly has never heard of the concept of "punching down".
I know someone mentioned her powers being like Kilgrave's from Jessica Jones, but she really turns more and more that way, into someone who knows that her powers are doing something to other people and cause them to act differently and she seems fine with it, matter of fact she reacts to it as if she was victim in all this and makes situation worse by punishing them for acting this way or exploiting her powers for her own selfish goals. In most stuff she'd be the bad guy hero or heroes team up to take down for the good of humanity. Be it either putting her in jail or doing what Jessica did to Kilgrave and snaping her neck in case she wriggles her way out of getting locked up, using her powers
I wonder if she realizes that in her own wish fulfillment fantasy she's not hot or interesting enough to get attention on her own, it has to be through magic.
StarlightArcher
And now I'm gonna picture all of Zoink's dialogue as read by Zapp Branningan. Because she's just that creepy. And after the "crushed velvet" comment from last recap, I just can't fight this giggling anymore.
She's actually creepier than Zapp. At least Zapp is aware of how pathetic he is.
The CRB
The main character attacked another person in a way that not only would've got( ten ? ) lemon juice in her eyes but also in the cuts she may have received from flying shards of glass .
Ouch !
Zade is sadistic .
Now that I think about it, the premise would actually make a really interesting story if handled well. How does a girl whose magick affects others around her navigate the world, keeping her humanity intact?
Shame it wasn't written like that. I'd have read that. What do you do when you know the guy in love with you may only love you because of your magick? How can you tell if it's true love?
Instead, we get this….. mess.
We're all gonna laugh at her. An' I betcha she was showing her dirty pillas again…
One of the greatest (by which I mean worst) things about chapter 8 is that it's excessively long but there's STILL this completely inconsequential non-sequitur Lemonade Scene awkwardly grafted onto the end.
If the scene had ended with Zade seeing The Tower and Death and The World, and had her say something about how disaster is impending, that would have been a much better end point than either the April scene or the Lemonade.
I really feel like the Lemonade Scene should have been in the first mall scene instead of that awkward Carrot Top and Wayne Newton cameo. Zero could have shopped for the dress then stopped to get lemonade. If the explosion had been written a little more like an accident and less like Zero was trying to make it happen, then Zero could have worried about revealing her magic and bolting after it happened. And then she gets confronted by Lambo Girl in the garage because she had seen the whole thing go down.
I mean, this scene would fit perfectly there. It almost feels like it was cut and then put back in in a different spot, but I can't see why.
Yes, I agree she had an absolutely perfect hook to end a chapter at the end of that tarot reading with Zero. Of course, a competent author would have had her do a reading about Lambo Girl instead of worrying about which guy she should date.
My god this book is a friggin travesty. Zoobie is just… A complete idiot, spiced with an extra dose of vanity and utter boredom. Boring for the reader, that is.
I'm also starting to wonder if this is a NaNoWriMo-novel. All the repetition oozes of desperation to get to 50.000 words. I say that as someone who is in the midst of that right now and probably have written the same situation 3 times from different angles. The big differece between me and Laaaaaaaani is that I know that there is a big fat editing job ahead of me if I ever were to even think about publishing…
You think Lanie would do Nano? No, she's not smart enough for that. This is just sad little wish-fulfillment done to get publicity and get it quickly.
You're probably right. Everyone I've met through NaNo have been super cool and definitely not this level of moron.
I don't think it was NaNo, but I think it was written in a similar rush to get words on a page. Lani has made it pretty clear that she didn't intend this story to be a novel, and she never wanted to be a writer until she decided it could make her an actor. Changing her screenplay into a book probably took a bit of padding.
What was the point of this scene? Like seriously, what did it add to the plot or character?
And how petty is Zoola? If I had the power to manipulate matter, to tell the future, to change the course of history, do you think I'm gonna be intimidated by a child? Hell, I wouldn't be intimidated by a grown man if I knew I could easily magicK him onto a busy highway. Zeedo could've easily magicKed the girl stumbling, a sudden gust of wind blowing her hair in her face, or maybe, I don't know, CALL THE MANAGER AND MAKE A FORMAL COMPLAINT.
Amy, Actually it did add to character. Not Lemonade-girl, but Zygodactyl-Lips. It shows her as being unable to control her mag-eccch and to lash out with violence at every petty encounter that any real adult would just ignore. That she channeled the mag-eccch to avoid collateral damage to others does not forgive her from 'buying in' to the confrontation (i.e., not just ignoring the challenge and walking away) and replying with deadly force in a situation that did not warrant it, much as the many folks in US society that respond with guns as an anger-management tool that use deadly force against a non-lethal threat.
Hence my suggestion above that Zoocyte has no control over her powers and really needs to get to Xavier's, pronto.
Ah, but you see, while Zezozose Zadfrack can shrug off an assault from a Worthy Adversary like Lambo Girl, she is deathly afraid of having some dumpy little teenage mall-minion get the best of her.
"Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering."
It's a sad thing when Hayden Christiansen can depict more inner conflict and depth of character than a NYT-bestselling author, even one whose reign lasted approximately 30 seconds before she was benched.
I would like to add, have you ever put lemon juice in your eyes? It freakin' hurts! So not only did zorkozorko humiliate a teenage girl, but also left her covered in acidic juice, burning her eyes, nostrils, and all the open cuts garnered from the "shards of glass" flying about.
EVEN MORE, the force of the lemonade hitting her "knocked her to the ground" and "she struggled to get up." How hard was this girl hit that a gallon's worth of liquid could knock someone to the floor? Was she so stunned, she STRUGGLED to get back to her feet? I've seen college coaches get dunked with an entire cooler over them but at most they just shiver or flinch, not get knocked to the ground.
The worst part is, once she starts attacking lemonade girl and an adult cyclist (just wait for that joyous scene), it makes Sofia's accident even more suspicious. After all, we were never told why that platform started spinning around when Sofia's harness was off, the techs assumed it malfunctioned, and in these brief altercations, ZZ Top tries to make them look like accidents. She also told us how heroic she was when she saved Sofia, but later mentions stuff that didn't happen, like Sofia being ungrateful and pushing her away. Either Zool lied about something to make herself look better, forgot some details earlier, or she was responsible for what happened and never admitted it to the reader.
That is so true.
Anna Lukyanova
I feel like I totally missed the part where she was attacked in the mall the first time??? was it in the recap before the tarot video?
When the other magicK woman attacks her in the parking structure. I think we're calling her lambo girl?
Blink and you'll miss it because barely any time was devoted to her. Shortly after Zazu went to buy a dress for the hot date and met two celebrities at the mall, a girl with an orange Lamborghini rolled up in the car park and capped her ass with a little magic. And it sounds more exciting than it was because after dropping a little insight and forcefully slamming Zealot into a wall, she drove out of the narrative, never to be seen again except in a super brief moment of a flashback that we haven't gotten to yet and it isn't even Zippy's. Supposedly there was a tarot reading done on Lambo girl, to find out more about her, but she's somehow hiding everything from Zani Zarem (so she doesn't have to write about the witchka world in any depth.)
I really can't get enough of Lani's constant bitterness towards women. I just can't.
How mature, Zade, starting a fight with a kid who has no magical powers of her own. And after being told it's your powers that make people either act more aggressive or infatuated towards you. Go figure.
The thing is, she always makes herself out to be some sort of misunderstood, humble underdog. But she's not the victim, she's just a bully. If you know you have a clear advantage (social, physical, magikal, whatever) and that you will probably suffer no consequences for any damages you caused, you're just a bully. Especially with teens that probably work twice as hard and deal with three times as much shit to get paid a fraction of what you make in a week.
Sorry, my bad, this hotdog employee is just a big, jealous meany who totally deserves to be fired and humiliated. It's not Zade's fault she has magikal incontinence.
DEEP(ak Chopra)PENDS:. For those with MAGIKAL Incontinence.
I can see the product placements now.
Magickal Incontinence! Ahahaha! Love it.
Poor Zanie and her lack of ability to hold her Magykx in.
This has been said before but should be repeated…. This is the most boring self-incert ever. I totally skipped over the weird spy crap her Mother was doing because it was so boring (keep in mind it is 2 a.m in the ER with no patients and it still couldn't hold my attention.) This incert comes with a side of egotistical, narcissistic hate that is so intense it literally drips off the page. In what universe are we supposed to get behind such ugly garbage? Zoogastric attacks a poor girl who works in a dead-end job in a mall, who has the misfortune of being short (heaven knows short people are all angry bitter terrors…. News flash… Actually we're not… we literally don't care) and she is fat….Oh Zarg, I'm supposed to be impressed that you stomped on someone who should have your kindness? Dear lord of the rings. You ARE THE EVIL CHARACTER IN EVERY TEEN BOOK! She couldn't write a more perfect Mean Girl if she tried. Not only did she lose this poor girl her job but cost her the relationship, because you know the boyfriend dumped her soon after. Due to Zwerk showing him the light, that he should be with a truely sexy woman that wantonly breaks things in a fit of temper. This is so boring. She is supposed to be suffused with MagiK and this is how she uses it? Boring. Boring. Boring. Also why in the world is the scene between Lemonade Girl way longer and more descriptive then the scene with Lamborghini Girl? Oh wait. Because Lammi is a terrible person who wants to attac poor women working in crap jobs to make herself feel better. It must be hell in her head.
Thank you. I knew something was wrong with the scene besides the usual poor writing, but I couldn't verbalize it. Self-described irresistible 20-something chick with high-profile Vegas job "stands up to" unattractive, insecure teen with food court McJob and lukewarm boyfriend? How heroic.
I was thinking this exact thing earlier. Imagine if this story was written from the Lemonade Girl's POV.
It was supposed to be just a normal day, right? Then some stuck-up witch shows up to your dead-end job. You are overwhelmed with an intense anger you didn't even realize you were capable of. You know you're overreacting, but you can't stop yourself from cussing out this stranger who was flirting with your boyfriend. And by the look she gives you, it's almost like she was waiting for this to happen. The woman screws up her face as if she was gonna crap herself. Suddenly, the lemonade machine explodes. She's gone by the time you pick yourself up; the lemonade makes the cuts in your skin sting. You are promptly fired after cleaning up the mess "you" made.
Humiliated, unemployed, and soaked you numbly stumble out of the mall. Who was that woman, and why did she decide ruin your life? A car pulls up in front of you and rolls down its windows. "So she got you too, huh?" It's Sophia. You used to see her face on the promotional posters for the local magic show until… wait.
"Get in, kid. We have a lot to talk about."
Sophia and Mall Girl vs. Super-Stuckup-Smug-Self-Insert. It's ON!!!
I'd read the heck out of that. Strangely enough Lambasted could have turned this on its head and used Zurg's powers of lemonade showers to put the smack down on someone being a witch to this girl. Thereby solidifying her status as the hero of the tale. But she is such a bad writer that she wrote Zlumper as… the bad guy…
Never thought of that, that would work so much better. Evil stuck up rich meangirl gives hard time to hapless counter girl, heroine rescues her and humiliates rich meangirl, making sure to have manager view magickly exploding lemonade so he can't blame it on counter girl. Meangirl sloshes away vowing to sue, runs into local fratboys who see her covered in yellow liquid and loudly speculate….
Heck, if you're going to do a self-insert at all, why not let her do some old-time heroic stuff? Meanwhile, you can throw in some comic relief.
I would so read that book, Perlite….and Lambo Girl would have to be working with Sophia/Sophie and Hot Dog Girl. Yes!
A+ fanfiction, 10/10, would read again.
I would read the shit out of that book. Especially when Lambo girl and Sofia join forces with Lemonade Girl to take Zamboni down.
You know, I'd like to see something done from the Lamborgini witch's point of view. For all we know, she wasn't actually hostile and was just trying to warn Zeppo about abusing her powers.
YES. We need more of this beautiful idea. I also agree Lambo Girl should get in on it for a trifecta of awesome. 😀
It's really too easy to turn Zool into the villain of her own story. If Zani had any self-awareness, she could get away with someone behaving badly and still keep it entertaining, but all she does is give us sympathy for damn near everyone besides the heroine and keep it boring.
Xebi
"If you fucked your kid up, you apologize first then wait for them to throw the ball into your court. Dela–and basically every other toxic parent out there–is doing it wrong, assuming forgiveness is owed after a passage of time, not an admission of guilt and expression of apology."
Oh wow, yes, thank you. I had this conversation with my mother:
M: [makes some mocking comment about me]
Me: [deadpan] Okay.
M: God, what do I have to do to get you to take a joke?
Me: You'd need a time machine, because you'd have to not spend my entire childhood using the same kind of "jokes" as a punishment
M: You still haven't forgiven me for that, after all these years? Well that makes me very sad.
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
Alexander Stallwitz
If i wanted to write a villain for a story, I am pretty sure I would write her like Zade behaves in this chapter. Using her powers for unnecessary and petty things would be a great trait for a villain so is delibrately humilating a girl out of spite. Also arent people with magical powers suppose to be keeping a low profile and or drawing attention to themselves? In every urban fantasy, theres usually a code of silence and not Showing off. Of course, the rules arent suppose to apply tp our Magical Girl Special Snowflake Heroine.
Exception being Jim Butcher's Dresden, who is not a petty bully.
RodeoBob
So, if magjick lets you change where you are, move things around, and basically alter reality to your preferences, the one place in the entire U.S. that absolutely, positively would have a well-funded private organization dedicated to locating said maaagjjjick-users and ensuring that they don't cause trouble.
Where would you find such an organization, dedicated to finding and controlling persons who can influence minds, alter probability, and bend the rules of reality? Motherfucking Las Vegas, that's where!
I know people are critical of authors that fail to do 'world building', fail to consider the larger context of the ideas being personally explored in their writing, and when we look back at folks like C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, I'm inclined to be a little more forgiving, but our author has the Harry Potter books (and all the subsequent criticism) as part of her formative years. Failing to include the idea of the god-damned MACUSA or it's non-union equivalent is just sloppy, a failure to think past the immediate gratification of writing self-insert fan fic.
In the fix-fic I'm writing in my head, Lambo girl is part of a society of witches and warlocks in Vegas, who have an agreement with the casinos and the mob, one part of which is that the society/coven intercepts magjickck users in Vegas and either steers them away or makes sure they play by the rules. ("Gangsters with gasoline have burned more witches in the Nevada desert than those old English 'Witch-finders' ever even dreamed existed")
To be fair, I'm only writing this in my head because as a middle-aged dude, it bothers me that I might write a better YA book involving young women and love triangles.
What's wrong with middle-aged dudes writing YA? Um, 13 Reasons?
Nothing wrong with middle-aged dudes writing YA.
Lots & lots of pitfalls for middle aged dudes writing about young women, their friendships, their mother-daughter struggles, and the challenges they would face in the workplace and with peers.
There's my near-total lack of personal experience. There's the total absence of a personal connection to such a narrative. Let's pretend I succeed in writing a girl that doesn't look, sound or act like a male character. (because without a female editor, that's a mistake I could easily make) Let's pretend that my female protagonist also doesn't sound like a man's idea of a teenage girl. (and, by extension, let's pretend that I'm successful in writing plausible interactions between girls that doesn't sound like a man writing words for women)
Setting all that aside, there's a real risk of sounding didactic, of "talking down" to my audience and my subject. Writing about young people carries the risks of writing about your own youth (which is not the same) and the risk writing from the distance of age. (wherein all your teenagers sound like snarky 30-somethings weaned on TV sitcoms)
Ask me to write male-power-fantasies, and I've got this. Want me to write about a self-loathing guy, about toxic masculinity, I can sell you that. Hell, you want me to write about a non-self-aware, privileged dude gliding through life unaware? Yeah, I can do that. But to tell a story of teenage girls, to do it justice? Yeah, I don't think I've got the chops for that.
Ghostofsamhainfuture
You know, just because you're this aware, I'd kind of like to see what you did with it! (I tried writing YA and failed horribly, despite having *actually been* a teenage girl, largely because my adolescence was mainly spent trying to decide whether I hated myself more than I hated almost every other teenage girl I knew. It was a very repressed, very British shitshow. You might do better.).
You could always drop the YA angle. It's not really necessary since this isn't a YA novel anyway. You could try learning about the problems women deal with and then just write your woman as a person without worrying about anything that doesn't simply strike up a concern for her. If you get enough feedback, you should do fine. And you've met some women and talked to them before, so you have some experience to draw from even if it is limited. I mean, if push comes to shove, write the MC as a man first, and then go back and change the pronouns (although that'd be super time-consuming unless it's an all-female cast) and change anything that seems immediately off, before getting feedback from a female editor.
If it's just too much work I don't blame you for not bothering, but I think if you know there would be pitfalls and try to counteract them, you've got a good chance of writing something decent if not good. All it takes is some research and some constructive criticism. XD
One of the best female main characters I've seen even written was made by a man (April Ryan, from The Longest Journey). We are humans. Even if there are differences between us due to culture or our bodies, as long as you worry in creating a person and ask for opinions and beta readers (from women) you should be fine. Women write men constantly and so far they're doing alright.
I used to have a lot of angst about writing from a man's point of view and having him seem to feminine and how do penises even work anyway?
I got over it by remembering that men are not a monolith. There's not a single way all men think. I'm writing this character who happens to be a man, who behaves in certain ways based on his upbringing and his traits and who his parents were and his place in the setting…and deciding to handle male POV sex scenes with a fade to Black.
I don't think it would be terrible to write a female character as if she were a man. Just make sure each woman or girl has a unique consistent voice based on their background and their gender will matter less than the other factors.
Plus, Lani Serem is female and she doesn't seem to be nailing writing relatable women, does she? You're probably not going to do worse.
If you still find it intimidating, check out "Writing the Other" by Cynthia Ward and Nisi Shawl. It talks about things you can do to write comfortably and respectfully about people with experiences outside your own, and why doing so can be important. It helped me get over the intimidation I felt about writing POV for characters of color.
It's a big investment just to write a light-hearted spitefic (and I get that you probably weren't all that serious in your suggestion), but if you do have an interest in writing I think it's a worthwhile skill to try to expand your range.
TL;DR, it's ok if you don't want to or it seems hard, but I wouldn't say that you *can't* do it.
I second ViolettaD and add The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle.
I for one would love to read about a group of "Aurors" fighting evil witches/wizards with the help of gangsters and the like. It would make an epic supernatural detective fiction… And I just realized I kind of described the Dresden Files, which I love, so don't mind me, But, if you would like to write a more YA-friendly version, go for it.
It's a small point but… THERE ARE NO 19 YEAR OLDS CALLED ALAN. It's like Derek. It's a middle aged man name that's dying out.
Destiny with a capital letter, however, is my friend's daughter. 😉
That's exactly what I thought – who the hell is called Alan these days? I beta-read for my dad and had to talk him out of calling a twenty-year-old Angela, because that's what twenty-year-olds were called when he was young, not when his book was set, i.e. now.
…I think I grew up in a weird bubble, then. I'm in my late 20s, and I had a few "Angela"s in my class in elementary through high school, and my younger sisters did, too. I even have a much younger cousin (9 years younger) named Angela. It's never even occurred to me that it isn't a name people name their kids anymore. Huh.
I'm also in my late 20s and have known Angelas my age, as well as one who is in her early/mid 20s now. I wouldn't put that name in the "nobody has it anymore" group.
Well, there's always gonna be SOME baby Angelas somewhere.
I've met so many that I literally thought of more later on, lol. It just really isn't rare among the youth.
I'm in my early/mid 20's and I know two girls called "Angie" both of which are probably short for Angela. Though I haven't heard anyone call either of them Angela, it does sound pretty old fashioned to me.
If her family is Catholic, she might be named that, especially if she had a grandmother or great-aunt with that name.
If she's in her early 20s and has a sister named Rayanne, her parents watched "My So-Called Life."
I think it could also depend which country you are in. I know Xebi is in the UK and maybe there are more Angelas in the US. Alan, however… I checked US baby name websites too and they definitely confirmed what I had heard – it's not a name 19 year olds have, more like people the age of the comedian Alan Davies, who is in his early 50s.
Alex D
Idk Zarathustra, I'm 5'2″ and I've been described by men and women alike as "very intimidating" so this all sounds like bollocks to me.
I know this is supposed to be a display of how "tough" she is, but picking on someone you perceive as weaker is…ya know…bullying. She has no restraint, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I need Uncle Ben to swoop in and teach her about "great responsibility", but the author is allergic to giving this character an arc of any kind so fat chance that she'll realize she was the one who needed to learn a lesson all along.
…also (replying to myself, bad form), what purpose does this scene serve in the novel? To show us her powers? We've already seen them. To develop her character? We didn't learn anything new about her. To reiterate a theme? The story would have to have themes. To progress the plot? LOL.
There is literally no good or compelling reason for this even exist, none at all. If this actually WAS edited, I can't imagine why this was allowed to remain in the final draft. It's not just padding, it's bad padding. If this was the very first time we met Zany, this scene would work really well to illustrate that she has powers and is a jerk. From there you'd have a great springboard for character growth.
I want to just laugh at this recap but it honestly makes me furious that I am so deeply critical of my own work and push myself so hard, while other people manage to publish despite astounding lack of talent and professionalism. It genuinely upsets me.
#same, also for Lani this is pretty pathetic to have her self-insert take it out on a defenceless teenager who is an adult in a legal sense for like…a year at most if not less. Her wish to "take it out on other girls" is pathetic esp more as she de-aged her character not by 20 but by 10 years only so she made a fantasy of getting back at "other girls" by having 25 year old attack a teenager barely into adulthood. How pathetic can you get? I'm really more into OP!self-insert that manages to save a whole city on her first try tbh. I might roll my eyes a bit at that, but that would be much less pathetic and much more compelling character than Zizmu.
Myra Strachan
My guess: the day she wrote this scene, Labby went to a mall, ordered a lemonade, and the girl working there was rude to her. Or, even more likely, didn't exhibit the kind of fawning servility Lovey seems to expect from young women in service professions. She stewed about it all the way home and then thought, "Ah ha! I know exactly how I'll have my revenge!"
Since this Lani's fantasy, the lemonade girl was probably rude to her in real life, but back then Lani didn't have a quirky comeback. Hell, when I got into a verbal fight with a woman in the theatre for not turning her phone off, I kept fantasizing about all the things I should've said to her, things I wished I could do.
But you're right. If I'm writing a self-insert magical fantasy, I'm not going to include some stupid verbal fight. I'm going to be fighting demons and saving princesses and having a romance with a guy who so happens to look like Tom Hiddleston. (don't judge me)
Even more, why does Zani think shorter people would be intimidated by her silly 5'9 height? Lani Sarem has never described Zazu as an athlete or martial artist or… hell, as someone who goes to the gym everyday. And Lani herself isn't an intimidating-looking woman, so I doubt something as silly as a couple of inches is gonna do much. My sister is much shorter than I am and she can kick my ass. My mom is shorter and she can kick my ass.
Maybe if zzzzz was like, 6′ foot, then I'll be intimidated. (also, why does zzz think Mac, an actual 6′ man who probably outweighs her by a hundred pounds and has muscles that "looks like he was stung by a bee and was allergic"' will even notice her height?)
I agree with you. When I met a cop (who is now a great friend) while on shift the first time he said the instant vibe he got was "don't screw with me or I'll kill you." I'm 5'2″. I won't have an issue with someone 5'9″. But my job entails getting into people's lives and faces so maybe that is why. So I'd take Zurt, I'd snap her like a Christmas cookie.
EmmaG
So Zade is made aware that she magically impacts people around her, making them do stuff they wouldn't do otherwise, to the detriment of themselves. And she goes 'lol, whatever, not my problem, sorry' and refuses to give that problem any attention because she is too busy thinking about dating guys. She then violently escalates a confrontation with a total stranger, knowing that she is only acting under the influence of her magicK. She states repeatedly that she doesn't consider the woman a threat to her personal safety, and she could easily simply walk way from the situation, yet she physically attacks her, just to dominate and show the other woman her place. That's a pretty obvious case of criminal assault to me.
I got revenge fantasies in self-insert fiction. But this is so obviously meant to be a Big Scene for the movie, and I don't understand why Sarem thinks anyone would look at this behaviour and go 'yaaas girl, SLAY!' and not 'you should probably work on your anger management issues before you start dating anybody'.
Who accidentially ends up writing their self-insert heroine as an over the top clichéd Mean Girl with actual violent impulses?
It's gonna look sillier on screen, watching someone who's just a few years shy of forty getting petty revenge on a teenager. (assuming they'll even cast an actual teenager, the baby-face child they're gonna have on screen vs. the middle aged woman is not a fight people want to see.)
If we, the book audience, are super aware Zani's powers have the ability to manipulate people, then the movie audience will too. Especially since the magicK fight will be the most visually and entertaining moment at this point in the movie. The lemondae stand would've been the perfect moment for Zani to realize that her powers did influence change in people, and this would have taken the book into a different direction.
(i also wonder what budget Lani is gonna get for the movie, if it'll even cover the costs of the cgi. With Lani, who is not a well known-actress, and that guy who's buggest known role is a secondary character from a raunchy movie nearly twenty years ago, I doubt they'll get the bugdet they need. Especially if they're too busy trying to cover the costs of copyright, a large Vegas stage, shooting in Vegas, and the cameo of Carrot Top)
This is gonna be crappy CGI that I can tell you, like in all low-budget movies, or like those where internet reviewers or other such people put green-screen on, or the independent Legend of Zelda movies.
Jenny (but not Jenny Trout)
It's so petty. Last night (at thanksgiving dinner!) I watched an almost 40 year old get in a fight with a 14 year old. Was the 14 year old acting appropriately? Not really, but she's 14. The adult should have acted like one.
Same with this. It was the perfect opportunity for Zzzzzz to realize – hey, my powers are stronger than I thought and I need some help. And WTF does she care if a teenager is interested in her? If someone is interested in me and I'm not interested back, it's not that hard to say, "sorry, I'm not interested." Or just ignore it because when she walks away from the lemonade place, she doesn't have to deal with it. She could have killed that girl. Or perminately disfigured or blinded her. That's not a victory, that's a fucked up adult being fucked up.
This book had potential and the author is an idiot. When Nano is over, I'm kind of tempted to see if I can turn this into fanfic. I'd edit it, so it will automatically be better. Just saying.
Anyway – thank you for the recap! Super funny as always and I'm getting great tips on what not to do.
SophieThatB*tch
From the mouth of Zani herself: "we've had those as young as 8 read it and as old as 75 🙂 pre-teens and teens usually love the story!"
Zani Larem, misusing her powers and physically abusing teenage girls, role model hahaha
Oh, and did everybody see that workshop where she's selling her "expertise" of the book industry for just $75? What a bargain!
You know what's going to be worse? One of these days one of her scams are gonna work. It's quite clear she's gonna keep at it, and someone somewhere is gonna give her the opportunity to make it big.
I'm not so sure. I don't see 8-year-olds liking this book, or even being able to finish it. I'm not 75 yet, but I remember being 8, and my reading matter was pretty eclectic: "Boxcar Children," Streatfeild's "Shoe" books, the Bobbsey Twins, my brother's Hardy Boys, Louisa May Alcott, bios of Betsy Ross and Sacagawea, I still loved Dr. Seuss and Little Golden Books (though I wouldn't admit it because those were supposed to be for little kids), and after seeing the Russian '68 miniseries of "War & Peace," I picked through my parents' copy of the book to find all the Natasha parts.
I wouldn't have wasted more than 5 minutes on this thing. I doubt most of the kids at school would have wasted even that much.
That's a good point. As much as Lani likes to boast the "good" reviews she gets, it still doesn't change the fact that even now, three months later, there's still no fansites/fanart/fanfiction of HFM. I doubt the people who do genuinely like the book are gonna make much effort to follow its progress. And if you google HFM, the third link is to the controversy.
But my point is Lani is gonna find her cashcow in something, doesn't necessarily have to be in writing. In that "I smell sheep" video, she deleted all the negative comments, but strangely kept the one suggesting she should write her experience about cheating the NYT. Don't be surprised in a couple of months she does come out with a damn book doing exactly that.
But it'll probably be written just as badly, or worse since it's a non-fiction.
SofiaThatB*tch
Oh god, please. The thought of that woman succeeding in this… I'm gonna fully give up on this world. I'll give up on humanity
This NYT trick worked once. It won't work again.
Meanwhile, it's a lot cheaper to read Jenny's recraps so we know how NOT to write: free to all unless you want to spring for the occasional optional cup of coffee. We also have her own books as an example of how to work on one's craft rather than manipulating the market.
I feel truly sorry for anyone who's duped into shelling out $75 to listen to that vapid little narcissist.
Why tho? Even if Lani was a true blue bestsellers author, she's still a newbie. I'd rather shell out $75 to StephAnie Meyer because at least she's been in the business for well over a decade and has actually written more than one book. I know fanfiction writers who've been writing longer than Lani. Most fic writers I do know have kept blogs, written articles, have beta-read, and they themselves spent HOURS researching their craft… over a hobby they don't even get paid for.
Ever hear of Aimee Semple McPherson or Clifford Irving?
A hoax may get headlines for a while, but then it fades. And if the person at the center of it is remembered at all, it is only for the hoax. Not for anything done before or after it.
I ended up googling them both because I didn't know them. According to wikipedia, the Irving guy still has a career in writing, though very low-key one. But you make a good point about not shaking off controversy, even years later. Just today I was talking to my mother about that astronaut who drove across the US to kill a love rival, and I think a movie about Tonya Harding is coming out soon.
The lack of self-awareness necessary to write about your perfect magical 20-something avatar picking a fight with a teenager in a mall food court is astounding. Sarem really is the person she appears to be in interviews.
Kaiya
So she just posted in an author community I'm a part of on FB. People are being overly generous to her.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/213952985607957?view=permalink&id=541729402830312
"OK so here it goes…My name is Lani Sarem. You may have heard of me. I wrote a book called Handbook for Mortals. It premiered #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list and then I subsequently became the only person (and the book became the only book) to ever get kicked off the list. Mostly it was due to a lot of people misunderstanding about what actually happened. I was pre-selling the book at comic cons and doing well. I had some help, my friend who is a famous actor is helping turn it into a movie and he was helping promote it at the comic cons. These cons get 40,000-120,000 people each over a weekend and a lot of the people come to meet the celebrities that are there. While meeting with the celebrities they always ask…So you got anything new coming out? My friend Thomas (he starred in all the American Pie movies and Rookie of the Year) etc would point to our project and we would offer to sell them the book. It actually made it pretty easy to sell the book. I wanted to make my sales count though cause sales that happen outside of a bookstore (and some that happen in a bookstore that doesn't report) don't count. It's hard enough to get sales…they should all count. At least that's my opinion. Anyway, I got accused of a lot of things that aren't true and as an indie author really got pushed around cause I didn't have a big publisher or agent to fight for me. I was wondering in a group like this…Does it frustrate you that your sales don't count everywhere? The music industry has a way to count them no matter where they happen. I'm also happy to answer any other questions you may have as to what happened to me so ask away….Sorry for the long-winded post as well."
Is she freaking KIDDING?
People are being so deferential to her. Not kidding, she totally buys her own bullshit. I'm just watching and it's…disturbing.
I doubt that she believes it. There's a scene later in the book where multiple characters admire being able to trick other people, besides Zorori herself, although it is being presented through her narrative voice. I think that's pretty telling about the author. I suspect she's just taking the right tone in this community because she knows how to play the victim really well. 😛
'Famous' actor who's best known role was creeper comedy relief in a dumb teen comedy that came out in the 90's.
"The music industry has a way to count them no matter where they happen." – Not true. If you make a shit ton of CD's and sell them personally at a concert or convention, that doesn't count. I mean, I know that's TOTALLY different than you going to conventions and personally selling BOOKS, so different, but, you know, there are exceptions.
"Mostly it was due to a lot of people misunderstanding about what actually happened." – That you bought a bunch of your own books from NYT list reporting stores to artificially inflate your numbers so you could HOPEFULLY sell those copies at conventions with no actual guarantee you would as you weren't buying them there to fill pre-orders so there were no guaranteed sales, meaning hundreds of copies are probably sitting in your house not in the hands of actual readers? No, pretty sure we all understand.
I… what?
"I don't have a big publisher or agent to fight for me"
What??? You're literally related to a celebrity, a celebrity who has endorsed you on social media. You've been on movie sets and music studios. You're friends with freakin' Carrot Top. You apparently have enough money to buy your own book thousands of times AND have a movie produced before said book even came out!! That's not a sign of an indie author struggling!
She's literally going to keep pushing this until someone out there cracks and takes pity on her, giving her everything she needs.
Tez Miller
"I was wondering in a group like this…"
In a group like this, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A SCAMMER – no matter how much you claim otherwise!
Hopefully no one in the group is taking the bait and believing her tripe.
mydogspa
"Magic With a K"
After decades of critical success, movie mogul Horace Silver (Matthew McConaughey) studio has fallen on hard times with a string of flops. Development VP Heather Lockgold and her assistant Franz Olaffsen are tasked with finding the good stories that will turn the company around. Horace comes down with a case of Porphyria and goes as batty as King George III who had the same disease.
Horace meets Lani Sarem and buys "Handbook for Immortals" and says he'll make it into a blockbuster movie. He hands the project off to Heather and Franz. Lani pulls an EL James and insists that nothing be changed to the script. After whining to Horace, he backs her up.
(Act II, p. 30) They shoot the movie. The casting director has conniptions because there are so many roles where a person shows up for a minute or less of screen time, then disappear for the remainder of the movie. Heather and Franz are at odds as what is supposed to happen when the protagonist gets herself into a coma for half the movie, negating the weak love triangle plot. Even worse, they argue as how the hell they could possibly show how 'magick' with a 'k' is different from regular 'magic' on the screen without having to go into boring exposition.
The editor looks at the dailies and tells Franz and Heather that there's only about 5 to 10 minutes of serviceable film. Everything else is repetition, down to dialog within scenes. The only real antagonist (Lambo girl) only shows up for less than a minute of screen time.
Franz and Heather realize they're screwed. Horace's company will die without another successful film. Horace is still mad as a hatter. Franz shows Heather the 'Pearl Harbor' files he's been secretly taping of the process, knowing that Horace will eventually wake up and blame them for the screw-up. So Franz has taped everything with hidden cameras to use as proof that they're only doing what Horace told them to do.
(Act II, p 60) Heather gets an idea. Using Franz' tapes, she writes a few pages of script. She assigns Sarem to the Second Unit consisting of nothing but interns, knowing full well that whatever footage is shot will be tossed on the cutting room floor. The second unit shoots all the scenes where the protagonist is in her coma. In the meantime, the main unit is reassigned the new script pages and they finish principal photography.
The editor looks at the new scenes and says, "Yeah, I can work with this." He assembles a rough cut. Heather gets the post-production team started.
Horace calls and asks to see the rough cut. He's appalled. Heather has made a mockumentary that shows how two development execs turned the worst-possible script from a "best-selling author on the NYT bestseller list for 23 hours" into a comedy of 'how to write a bad movie.' The working title is "Magic with a 'K'" It shows crappy dialog. Repeat beats. No conflict. Self-insert Mary Sue. A stupid-ass non-fleshed out 'love' triangle.
(Act III, p. 90) Horace goes ballistic and fires Heather. His company is ruined. He tells her to take her movie and get the hell out of his office.
Heather goes to the crowdfunding provider "Seeds and Sparks" (That's Kickstarter for the indie-movie creator to those who don't know) and starts a crowdfunding campaign to finish "Magic with a 'K'." She shows some previews of the movie. "Magik" gets funded in 48 hours.
Heather finishes post-production and releases the movie. It's a runaway hit. Sarem is shown as a complete idiot who doesn't know how to act, write, or do anything else in the movie biz.
Heather basks in her fame.
Horace calls (now cured from the Porhyria), asks if she'd be interested in a sequel deal . . .
Sorry, 'Seeds and Spark' check out the last shot of "Iron" starting at about 2:00
https://www.seedandspark.com/fund/iron#updates
Multiple Trigger warnings for victims of sexual assault and/or the legal system:
Unfortunately, Sarem is now claiming that during his George III phase Horace tried to pull a Harvey Weinstein on her and although of course he failed because she has perfect morals and perfect ju-jitsu moves along with perfectly cut bangs plus never dressed like all those other ho's who obviously deserved it, she is suing. Horace's defense lawyer claims Contributory Negligence on her part because she didn't reign in her irresistible MagicK, but Horace himself protests that regardless of his Heme production levels, he was never THAT crazy. The Second Unit Interns are all being treated for PTSD after working with Sarem, and have filed a class-action lawsuit against SilverStudio for violating OSHA codes.
You nailed the sequel! 🙂
And much better than I would, I might add!!
No, without your inspiration, I could never….
Btw, is your tag "My dog spa" or "My dog's PA (personal assistant)"?
Personal Assistant. Spent over $35,000 between liver reconstruction, meds, pancreatitis, and diabetes. Got to know the doggie internal medicine specialist very well in So. Pasadena. Gave him another 7 years before he developed the brain tumor and there was nothing else we could do after that. But life revolved around the big guy for a while . . .
What breed?
Samoyed.
Ooh, big, fluffy gorgeous.
I lurve big fuzzy dogs. I've had two different neighbor with Great Pyrs, and they both adopted me as part of their flock. Had to wave at them whenever I went in or out, the one upstairs had different barks for hello! wave at me!, wake up I'm lonely, and USE YOUR INHALER NOW.
Bless those three-dimensional throw-rugs
He had different barks for Mailman/UPS, coyote, or LooseDogOnStreet. We knew when we had a delivery just on the bark even before the guy stepped out of the van.
Why must she insist on "till" instead of "until"? Oh yeah. 'Cause she's a shitty writer.
I am uncomfortable with the places in this woman's mind that this book takes me.
Zani Lanie, if this is a self-insert Mary Sue (and it can't be otherwise, on account of negative creativity), must be a petty bully. How delightful. Lock her in a room with the Eel.
This is perfect since EL hates blonds and Sarem apparently hates brunettes.
These characters do some really weird things with their faces…especially their eyes and eyebrows. Like in the previous recap where the guy purses his lips and smiles and crosses his eyes or whatever. Here, she's frowning AND raising an eyebrow. There's another reference to her "unconsciously batting her eyes." Women are constantly batting their eyes.
How big was this vat of lemonade? That I want to know. But of course, Zani wants us to awe over how powerful she is or something, so the tidal wave of lemonade was probably an exaggeration. I imagine it as the lemonade spilled out, and then the fat girl slipped and fell. Rather than, "When the vat broke and the lemonade went everywhere, it had bowled her over and knocked her to the ground." Also, Zade is so kind and generous that she made sure every other passerby was spared being hit by the raging lemonade. But, again, unless this is like, a two-storey tall tank of lemonade, how the hell would it have been strong enough to knock a girl over, much less splash on everyone in a ten-foot radius?
I'm also not sure how a girl looking constipated with clenched fists and then a vat of lemonade suddenly breaking would draw anyone's suspicion to her. I suppose that's why she doesn't seem to give a damn about practicing in public anymore. Maybe if she had yelled, "Abra-kadabra lemonade tidal wave explosion!" and pointed a wand at the lemonade before it exploded, then people might be suspicious.
Maybe Zade was on her period, and that was why the small altercation pissed her off enough that she decided to be petty and yet again, risk exposing herself and her magick. I suppose magick is a tough thing to keep secret when you have to impress everyone with it, just to draw more attention to yourself. Maybe instead of doing a magic show, she should have started doing mortal magick tricks on the streets of Vegas, and then been the super-best at that, so she could have her own damn magick show. That would have at least made somewhat more sense instead of her getting an unlikely job with a super-famous magician's show.
Also, do you have an update to this? I'm posting this comment over a year later, on the last chapter that was posted.
small jar of fireflies
There was some kind of tag drop, I think.
http://www.anamardoll.com/2018/09/index-handbook-for-mortals.html
There's a link index here.