Danny Dyer appointed Minister for Not Getting Mugged Right off like a Right Little Mug
DANNY Dyer has been appointed Minister for Not Getting Mugged Right off like a Right Little Mug, it has been confirmed.
Dyer, whose political career began when he highlighted that David Cameron is a twat, has been recruited by the government to help tackle the rising tide of mugs, arseholes and bellends.
Dyer said: "I don't know a lot of the politics and all that but what I do know about is not getting mugged off.
"Whether it's the old bill or some local muppet who thinks he's having a right giraffe about the apples and pears, I ain't having it.
"Like my first job today was to call all these Brexit geezers and be like, 'Listen, mush, we're all getting sick and bleedin' tired of all this fannying about, alright.'"
He added: "Also I'm playing a funky house DJ set at Club Deluxe in Warwick tonight, bell me if you want guest list."
Scotland suddenly teeming with Croatia fans
SCOTLAND is suddenly teeming with Croatia fans, it has been confirmed.
Scottish cities are now awash with Croatian flags, as chants in favour of the Eastern European country ring out in the streets.
First minister Nicola Sturgeon said: "Yeah that's right, we love Croatia around here, always have.
"We've got a lot in common. We both know what it's like to battle for independence, we both love a good drink and… whatever, we like Croatia, alright?"
Similar spontaneous outpourings of affection have also been reported in Wales and Ireland, with citizens insisting that their newfound passion has nothing to do with the country taking on England in the World Cup.
They added that they have always had a soft spot for Belgium too, as it happens.
The prospect of supporting France, however, was deemed 'too much'.