How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Nick Kroll Edition
The actor and comedian Nick Kroll, who stars in the movie "Operation Finale" tries his hand at The New Yorker's cartoon-caption contest.
Starring: Nick Kroll
Oh hello, it's me Nick Kroll.
And, I am here to caption some New Yorker cartoons.
All right, here we go.
We've got what looks to be a political debate,
with one guy juggling chainsaws.
That you can tell there's little vibrations,
so the chainsaws are currently on.
And then, we've got another gentleman
seemingly consulting the other candidate.
Let's see.
My first instinct is for him to be like,
I think we should get Chinese food after this.
But, I think the key to comedy is
don't follow your first instinct.
And so, what I wrote was, whoever wins,
I'm just glad it's going to be an older white male.
(drumming)
Okay, people don't know this, not only
was Dick Cheney the President of the United States,
but he's also a cartoonist for the New Yorker.
You know, typical Dick, he's writing steam backwards.
Classic Dick.
But, okay, so what we've got here is a deli counter,
with what looks to be a huge chicken or turkey.
And, this gentleman seems to be talking to her.
Weirdly, my mouth is just watering
thinking about hard salami's.
I just saw that, and I was like,
oh, I like a hard salami.
This poultry is huge, it's a huge piece of poultry.
It's not a piece, it's a full poultry.
Um, do I like this?
Let's try it.
As I said lady, I don't know where the head is.
'Cause he doesn't.
It's probably removed at some point
in the earlier manufacturing.
I mean, the poultry process, as we know,
in this country is, it's a business.
And so, what I'm really doing is making a commentary
about farming businesses... country.
Okay, great, let's keep going.
What I'm seeing here is a bar.
The bartender seems to be on the phone.
There's a lady with two, what seem to be,
two drunk subway cars, having drinks at the bar.
It's different than Edward Hopper's painting.
But, there seems to be some crossover there.
Yeah, that's pretty quick.
Wasn't there that like nine year old kid
who was like captioning New Yorker?
Have you had that kid on the show?
So, we're working on trying to get out of here, right?
She did it?
[Interviewer] Yeah.
Can she come back and ghostwrite mine for me?
No, nothing interesting.
I'll be home about midnight.
Just another normal day at the bar.
What I'm seeing here is what looks to be
an old couple holding up a couple here for money.
And, this is, you don't think of an old couple
as the kinds of people who would have a,
be doing a stickup.
And, it's winter 'cause they're wearing scarves,
and so is the old lady.
This guy's not, but he's wearing a high waisted pant.
She seems to be wearing UGG's.
This is what happens when you get rid of Medicaid.
I was gonna make a Social Security joke,
but I don't know if they actually changed
the date of like when Social Security kicks in.
So, I'm using my limited knowledge.
We're seeing two fishermen ice fishing.
And, it seems to be a bunch of sharks
popping up through the hole.
All these other holes, it seems to be
all these sharks are surrounding them.
This is actually based on something
that really happened to me.
I hate fishing.
This is like how I imagine fishing every time.
You think you're gonna have this experience,
you know, going fishing is gonna be this great time.
You're gonna catch everybody, you're just like,
you know, like freezing your butt off,
being almost killed by sharks.
I remember going fishing, and the first time I went out,
and the hook not releasing the line.
And, the hook just coming back and sticking
right into my finger, and being like,
I don't think I'm ever gonna go fishing again.
There's two cowboys.
One of whom is on a horse that seems to be a robot.
And then, this horse seems to be
looking skeptically at him.
And then, he's got the lever there,
which I find interesting.
And then, this, some sort of charging station.
I wrote, yeah, Elon Musk says they should
be in full production by 2020.
You gotta trust Elon on this.
You know what I mean?
He called me a pedophile recently on Twitter.
And, that was hurtful.
But, it doesn't mean I don't think he makes a great product.
Okay, so what I see here is,
a woman talking to a man, and what seems to be
an invisible man sitting next to her.
And, then we got a little dog with a funny snaggletooth.
This guy seems lazy to me.
He's got a bunch of beers around him.
I don't know why my instinct is that
she and him are having an affair,
and she's introducing it to her husband.
Neither of them are wearing a ring,
but we can make assumptions can't we?
It's a modern society.
You gave up on this relationship, no you're the one.
I don't know why, I'm stuck on the idea
that it's an invisible man versus just an empty suit.
But, then these pants are really short.
It's like, almost like he's wearing like a short pant.
Like a long shorts.
He might be invisible but I feel seen
for the first time in years.
And, I think this is really
the dissolution of their marriage.
This is a long time coming.
I don't think he had anything to do with it.
I think he's the catalyst for what
was already going on with them.
He's just not putting in the time.
He doesn't care, he's just not seeing her
for what she is now.
And, this guy's been watching it for years.
He's been watching it fall apart for years.
We've got a couple talking,
they seem to be watching TV.
And, the couch appears to be some sort of monster
with legs and a face, sort of slightly smiling.
And then, I wrote, its almost eight o'clock.
Because it's almost 8:00.
(laughing)
I mean, this is the New Yorker folks,
so, let's get this right, right?
It is, is that right, have I done that right?
I truly never paid attention to grammar,
when they were teaching it in seventh grade.
But, I'm pretty sure that there's an apostrophe,
'cause it's a con... it's a conjunction?
Okay, there are two beavers here,
who have seemingly cut down some trees.
And, this one seems to be levitating slightly above.
And, one beaver is walking away, talking.
You know what I just thought,
and I was about to say out loud?
What would be something funny to write?
I wanna let you know what my process is.
And, my process is, what would be a funny caption
to write for this funny caption video?
'Kay so, what I've written is, I dunno,
I still prefer Chipotle.
I don't know, you know what I mean,
the beaver likes accessible Mexican food.
So, those were my captions for the New Yorker.
Am I funnier than a nine year old
doing captions for the New Yorker?
Do I know how to drive a car,
and can I legally do so, yeah.
So, once that nine year old can drive a car,
give me a call.
Thanks for having coffee breath,
and for watching, and reading the New Yorker.
And, Putin's a bad guy.