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Matt's End of Summer Favorites Part 2: Movies
Hello dear readers, and welcome once again to my month-long series of mini-lists about some of my favorite things about summer. Already I've already discussed some of my favorite tabletop games that I enjoy on a hot summer day in, but today I'm going to be covering one of my favorite topics in the world: movies.
And in this day and age, what says summer movies more than superhero movies? So yes, today's list, dear readers, is all about...
MATT'S 10 FAVORITE
Now I hear you asking, "Hey, Matt, 10 movies isn't a mini-list, that's just a list, what gives?" Well, imaginary reader, I'm glad you asked. I'm doing 10 entries on this list because in this day and age, there are two types of superhero movies: Marvel Cinematic Universe films, and everyone else. Unfortunately for the "everyone else" set, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is kind of dominating these days, with their reliable, if usually cookie-cutter, blend of action and wit. So, for the sake of fairness, I've broken this up into two mini lists of five entries each, five from the MCU, and five from everyone else. So first off, let's hit Marvel:
MCU FILMS
5. Thor
Are there better films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Undoubtedly, but the charm of Chris Hemsworth as the God of Thunder in need of some humbling and the layered portrayal of Loki from Tom Hiddleston will always make this an underrated favorite of mine. Also, gotta love the out of nowhere choice of Kenneth Branagh to direct.
4. Iron Man 2
It's possible my wife and I are the only two people who actually like this movie, and I'm fine with that. Taking a darker look at what being a superhero will do to you without losing the Marvel charm, this one may not be one of the most fun Marvel's done, but it's always been a favorite.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
And from the last film's darkness we go to probably the out and out silliest of the Marvel films. There are so many reasons this one shouldn't have worked, but again, a solid ensemble, a crazy script for them to work off of, and charm to spare (plus a killer soundtrack), make this one of the greats. Keep the fast forward button handy for the villain, though. You can completely skip over his plotline and not miss much.
2. Ant-Man
A strong contender for my # 1, but it's still new so I can't go that far just yet, this is some of the most fun I have ever had at a movie theatre. It's enjoyable from start to finish, witty, and not bogged down too heavily by all the mythologizing that Marvel's famous for. Extra points for making ants (my personal archnemesis at home) cute, and for being a lot better than it should have been given it's troubled production. And hilarious. It's very much that too.
I want there to be a sequel to this so we can see Evangeline Lilly as Wasp, because her character is awesome.
See, Marvel tends to work best when they're doing genres that aren't superhero movies (i.e. Guardians as space opera, Ant-Man as a heist film), and they swung for the fences by making the second Captain America film a 70's conspiracy film, complete with Robert Redford, and scored perhaps their best film. Dealing with matters of trust and government oversight, as well as the personal issues that would arise for a man out of time by more than 70 years, it's one of Marvel's darkest while still maintaining that fun that separates these movies from DC.
Extra points to them pulling off Falcon as one of the coolest new heroes on screen.
THE "EVERYONE ELSE" SUPERHERO FILMS
5. Unbreakable
Ah, back in the day when the name M. Night Shyamalan was something to get excited over. This understated, weird, slow little take on the superhero movie is perhaps too meditative, and would have better made a 15 minute origin story for a much more impressive movie, but it's got some interesting deconstructive points even with its flaws I've always liked.
4. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
The DC Animated Universe is the gold standard in non-print superhero fiction. With deep, adult storylines, solid writing and amazing voice casts, it comes about as close as anything to being a truly definitive superhero adaptation. The strange coda of all these connected series' is a short-lived series called Batman Beyond, about an aged Batman training his newest protégé in the future. The series never really had an ending, but the direct-to-DVD followup, Return of the Joker, does it pretty well. The Batmen go up against Gotham's most dangerous criminal, back from the dead, in one of the darkest and most violent cartoons aimed at kids I've ever seen.
Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill have never been better as Batman and Joker.
3. Kick-Ass
It's nihilistic and cartoonishly violent, and not always in a good way, however this story of a teenaged kid in a real world trying to be a superhero is still alternately heartwarming and poignant, in its own weird way. Then there's Hit-Girl, one of the coolest characters ever put to screen.
2. The Dark Knight
I'll never call Christian Bale and Heath Ledger the definitive Batman and Joker (see Return of the Joker, above, for the true title-holders), but they do a damn good job, and this is an amazing movie. Walking out of the theatre the first time, I just remember thinking to myself, "Yeah, that was basically The Godfather of superhero movies". Ledger earned his Oscar, in a scary, scary performance.
1. The Incredibles
But while The Dark Knight is great, The Incredibles are the true champions in the superhero movie front. Pixars loving homage to the silver age of comics (plus a really sly remake of Watchmen aimed at kids) is a strong contender for the greatest superhero movie ever made. It's bright and colorful, while still morally complex, finding the balance of tones that most modern superhero films have completely forgotten even exists. It has some of the greatest animated performances by a perfectly eclectic cast (Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Jason Lee, Samuel L. Jackson), and yet the show is almost stolen by a 3-foot-tall designer of superhero costumes. Edna Mode, you are possibly the funniest character in a Pixar movie.
NO! CAPES!
God I love this movie.
Agree? Disagree? What are your favorite superhero movies? Sound off in the comments below!
And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!
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-- Matt Carter
(We know there's a lot of Matt Carter's online you could spend your time with, so thanks for hanging around this one!)
Matt's Top Five Fictional Pet Peeves # 1, Poor World Building
Hello dear readers, and welcome back to my month long countdown of some of my greatest fictional pet peeves. Or, at least, what should have been a month-long countdown, but craziness of all sorts (in both life and writing) have delayed this final entry a few weeks more than it should have been. Sorry for whatever inconvenience this may have caused.
Back to the list front, already we have taken a good look at why I'm bugged by "perfect" characters (# 5), characters whose life revolves entirely around coincidence (# 4), characters who refuse to evolve with their series (# 3), and plot hoops (# 2), but today I'm going to focus on my biggest pet peeve of all: poor world building.
A little history, first, namely that my background is in history. I majored in history in college and very nearly pulled the trigger and studied to teach it. Although I didn't go that far, I am glad for the education, because it's given me a lot of perspective I wouldn't otherwise have (including a constant need to play devil's advocate, which can get pretty annoying sometimes) and a need to see where everything logically fits. Every story element that is introduced has to have some history and internal logic to it that will fit with other story elements, otherwise, well, it takes me out of the story and the last thing I'm generally looking for when I'm in a story is to be forcibly taken out of it.
Much like being taken out of The Matrix against your will.
There's a lot of different ways that poor world-building can go horribly awry and not enough article to put them all in, so I've narrowed it down to some of the ones that bug me most in what I'm calling my Seven Deadly Sins of Poor World Building. So, in no particular order...
1) Oversimplification
Welcome to Tatooine, home of deserts, scum, villainy, and not much else.
Particularly common in genre fiction, whenever characters are introduced to a new planet or race, it has to have some universal traits that can be used to easily describe it in a moment. This is the warrior race. This is the scientist race. This is the desert planet. This is the forest planet. This is the planet that inexplicably rains toads every 23 minutes (okay, maybe I'm the only one who's ever really wanted to see that one. In small doses, this is actually pretty acceptable, as you want your audience to be able to remember this somewhere down the line. However, this is a trend that tends to fall apart most when significant time is spent developing a story element.
Sorry, Star Trek.
While I love Star Trek and the way it has handled its many races over the years, it gets particularly egregious how oversimplified a lot of their races are the more they're focused on. My beloved Klingons, for example. While years of development have shown them to be a deeper, more varied race than on initial appearance, their culture is still pretty monochrome. They have one religion, one language (despite occasional mentions of other dialects), and one form of martial art, for an entire planet that identifies itself as a warrior race, none of which have really changed in centuries. The same problems can be found across every other major race that the series spends time on, and instead of making the universe seem larger, it manages to make it feel substantially smaller.
2) Underthinking "Cool" Elements
So you've got a world, why not fill it with a lot of cool elements that'll make it even more colorful and vivid? Fine. So long as you can properly rationalize them and make them fit into your world and make it seem reasonable that they can exist, this is fine. Introducing an element that sounds awesome but makes people take pause to try to sort it out, well, that teleports you out of the fantastical world you've put them in. For example, let's go back to Tatooine.
We're introduced to the Sarlaac as Jabba the Hutt's preferred method of execution. A giant, stationary terror beast in the middle of the desert that waits for its prey to fall into its mouth? Fine. Cool even. Then we're told that it digests its prey for a thousand years as if this is some great threat. This is where things get fuzzy. How can an animal live this way? How can they know this? No, it doesn't make any sense, and in the time it's taken me to think this through, three redshirts and an unnecessarily popular bounty hunter have fallen in, and I have to rewind to actually enjoy myself.
Sorry, Boba Fett, you're just not that important.
3) Problems of Scale
In line with the last problem, a lot of artists have trouble understanding scale in their fictional universes. You get this all the time in space opera stories, where distances between planets and stars are casually handwaved away with technobabble, but they're not the ones that I tend to have a problem with. No, it's often the smaller scale stories that tend to have this problem.
An exact population of Hogwarts is never stated in the books, but Rowling has stated in the past that she expects the school has about a thousand students. Stretched across seven years, this figure not only makes Harry's class look ridiculously small (being one of forty students sorted in his year), but it makes the school look more negligent than usual, given its limited and oft poorly trained faculty of perhaps 20 people. Magic can only account for so much here.
Things get even stranger in The Hunger Games universe. Much time is spent in District 12, which seems roughly the size of a small town (given the fact that the entire population can show up in a square on reaping day). While this is fine on its own, it gets a little confusing when we start seeing maps that indicate the districts (including 12) to be the size of at least one current US state and seeing the massive populations of other districts (including the Capitol) when compared with 12. Given the high mortality rate from starvation, mining accidents and the evils of Panem, its amazing that District 12 has anyone left alive for the games. Either the Capitol doesn't care much for coal, or it's going to need to shuffle in some new breeding stock ASAP.
You know, assuming the story didn't end as it did.
4) A World Without Consequences
This one is most common in superhero fiction, but can expand to pretty much any story that's liable to be made into a summer blockbuster. In the never-ending battle for cooler setpieces, we're seeing more and more senseless destruction in fiction, with characters smashing through private property instead of avoiding it, even when they should know better. You never see any aftermath, no people's lives ruined due to losing their homes and businesses, no periods of mourning, no years of rebuilding and governmental investigations. You just see characters looking on in a brief moment of awe before moving on to the next setpiece. The next day, people barely look like anything has happened, even if the scale of destruction would be best called a national tragedy.
This is further baffling in fiction where this sort of thing happens all the time in one particular place, with people refusing to move out even though the likelihood of being crushed to death is somewhere around 100%.
You'd really think Tokyo would've given up after at most it's 5th kaiju attack.
5) Ignoring Superman
I call this one Ignoring Superman, but really, it comes down to ignoring any fix-it-all device that may exist in fiction. So often, in the course of creating awesome universes, you create plot devices to save the day. The problem with this is that rarely are these plot devices actually destroyed, meaning that once it's been used, you often find yourself asking, "Why didn't they use X to save the day this time?"
There are so many problems we could fix with this Time Turner. Now let's never use this again.
But fine, set some restrictions on this plot device, and you may be OK. Where this really gets bad is when there is literally no good reason to ignore the existence of a fix-it-all and artists have to try, clumsily, to explain why it is being ignored.
Yup, back to these guys again.
One of the more memorable Batman comic book storylines was No Man's Land, where a devastating earthquake had cut Gotham City off from the rest of the world, and the government decides to make it no longer part of the United States due to some weird combination of religious mania and no longer wanting to foot the bill for this hell on earth city. Batman is doing his best to keep the peace and restore the city. Fed up with seeing part of his beloved country being ignored, Superman breaks into the city at one point to set it to rights, and is kicked out! Not because he's a terrifying god-like being or because he did something terrible, but because Batman doesn't think that Superman 'gets' the problems with Gotham, and can't fix them, and Superman agrees! Yes, this is a unique situation, and yes, Batman does get Gotham more, but for f***'s sake, can't you at least borrow Superman for a bit to, you know, maybe help deal with the massive supervillain problem and bring in much needed medical supplies?
6) Ignoring the Outside World
A lot of fictional worlds are fairly insular places where we only really get a perspective from a particular location, usually a small town or country, and this is fine. Oftentimes it's probably for the best to create a well-developed small world instead of hastily putting together a massive one. That said, there are some stories where a greater perspective would add a lot. I'm probably not the only one curious to see what the rest of the world (assuming, there still is a rest of the world) in The Hunger Games and The Purge universes thinks of the United States' new perspective on murder. These, however, are just cases that I think would be interesting. There are some where it feels like a vitally missing plot point.
In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Voldemort and his Death Eaters violently take over the Wizarding World in the British Isles, creating a pretty awful place to be overall. While this is thrilling and creates a stark, scary final chapter, it does fail to mention one thing, namely that the U.K. doesn't contain all the wizards in the world. Throughout the series we see a massive subculture of wizards existing throughout the world, and I have a really hard time believing that none of them were interested in stopping an evil, genocidal dictator's rise to power in Europe (since the last time that happened, things didn't go very well). Voldemort has England for close to a year, and not once do we hear of international intervention. While this makes for a better story of 'La Resistance', it does stretch credibility and rob us of seeing the awesomeness of a Wizarding World War.
7) Introducing World Elements, Then Completely Ignoring Them
Seriously, Lost, f*** you. I love you, but f*** you.
I probably take world-building too seriously. (Wait, who am I kidding, probably?)
Beyond that, though, it's like I've been saying for the better portion of this list. Artists: Just take a little more time, put a little more thought into the story and its universe, and you can make something truly special.
So dear readers, are there any pet peeves in fiction that have always bugged you? Sound off in the comments below!
Matt's Five Favorite Underrated Villains # 5, The Mad Hatter (Batman)
You know, normally I like to theme my monthly pop-culture lists to something related to the month, but every once in a while I'm completely lost for ideas and have to just make something up. This is going to be one of those months. Not that there aren't some wonderful things related to March, but none of them really grabbed me this time around, so I looked to my current writing project for inspiration. Currently, I am writing a novel I'm calling After School Special, which is about the trials and tribulations of a group of aspiring supervillains in a world that has pretty much forgotten what they are. This has gotten me thinking about a lot of my favorite villains, a lot of whom don't get the praise I think they deserve, and I wanted to dedicate this month to them. (And yes, I'm aware that within their own fandoms a lot of these villains are quite popular or notable, so much of this series is going to involve me shouting to the world villains who I think everyone should be aware of for how scary, intelligent, odd or just flat out awesome they are.)
And so, let us begin this list, with one of the dark sheep of Batman's Rogue's Gallery:
No, I'm not Johnny Depp, but thanks for asking!
There's no questioning that Batman has the most iconic rogue's gallery in comics history (sorry Supes, Spidey!). His list of villains ranks among some of the greatest villains put to page, and some of the most identifiable by the most casual of fans. The Joker. Catwoman. The Penguin. Two Face. Poison Ivy. Mr. Freeze. The Riddler. Bane. The Scarecrow. Hell, maybe even Zsasz or R'as al Ghul if you're a big enough fan of Batman Begins. All of them are easy enough for people to call up because they've been villains of the movies, from the great...
...to the not so great...
Yes, I went after low-hanging fruit for this joke.
...to the, well, I really don't know what to call the Adam West period, so I'll let you make your own joke. In fact, this rogue's gallery is so expansive, that there are many great villains that the films haven't had the time to touch. Sure, they may have silly names like Clayface, Killer Croc, Man-Bat and Maxie Zeus, but they are colorful and dangerous characters who deserve more attention and note than they've been shown.
Okay, maybe not Maxie Zeus.
But why, of all of them have I chosen to highlight the tiny and silly-looking Mad Hatter? Well, for a couple reasons...
The fact that he can look like this certainly helps.
First, because depending on the interpretation, he's one of Batman's sadder and more relatable villains. In the exquisite Batman: The Animated Series, he was a pitiful, meek little scientist who just wanted to impress a girl (named Alice, naturally) who would otherwise have had nothing to do with him. Using some experimental mind control technology and dressing up like his favorite Lewis Carroll character, he makes many people in town act like he's a celebrity, which does, in its own twisted way, impress Alice. However, when she reconnects with her old boyfriend, Tetch loses his mind in a fit of jealousy and tries to brainwash her to love him. As usual in awkward social situations like this, the timely intervention of Batman telling Tetch that brainwashing Alice is the exact opposite of what he wanted gets through to him. Well, that, and Batman beating the ever-loving crap out of him. Defeated and weighed down by a giant, novelty Jabberwocky statue (it's Gotham, just go with me on this one), Tetch sorrowfully sings the Mock Turtle song to himself upon realizing how awful what he did really was.
Being voiced by Roddy McDowell didn't hurt either.
The second reason I've always thought the Hatter was underrated was, well, because under the right circumstances, he could easily be Batman's most dangerous villain. His mind control technology is damned powerful (he's taken over Batman on more than a few occasions), and if placed correctly there is nothing to say he couldn't take over any of the most powerful heroes in the DC Universe. Only his lack of ambition, and absolute madness brought on by subjecting himself to his own technology, has kept him from being among the most powerful villains in the DC Universe.
Madness often prevents the best of us from achieving our goals.
I know he's a bit too silly to ever do in a modern, ultra-serious Batman movie, and it's probably for the best we never got to see Joel Schumacher get his hands on him, but I will always hold a soft spot in my villain-loving heart for this sad little man in his giant, mind-controlling hat.
So, dear readers, are there any other fans of this villainous Mad Hatter? Are there any other underrated villains you'd love to see get more respect? Sound off in the comments below!
Matt's Five Favorite "So Bad It's Good" Pieces of Pop Culture # 2, Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane Comics
Hello dear readers, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to guilty pleasure pieces of pop culture that may be bad, but manage to find a way of tickling me all the same. Already I have covered a favorite cheesy episode of one of my favorite shows (# 5), an absolutely terrible holiday classic (# 4), and a cartoon classic that's aged hilariously (# 3), but now it's time to move on to a classic by default (you know, because it's old), comic series that never fails to make me laugh:
Oh yes, this will be a twisted one.
One of my all time favorite websites is Superdickery, which, as it's title suggests, takes a lot of old comic book covers, mostly of Superman, wildly out of context to prove how much Superman is a dick (if you want a great time sink, go visit them, it's one of the funniest websites in the world. Go now, I can wait, though beware of pop-ups). It's a website with a wide number of focuses on Silver Age comics lunacy, a lot of which featured some absolutely bizarre and insane covers from the series Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane. And, while the covers were funny, I was fairly certain it wasn't an accurate representation of the comics within. Surely the content within had to make more sense, but alas, since they were out of print, I could never know.
This was basically me in realizing I could never know the glory of Lois Lane comics. Superman, not Jimmy.
Also, what the hell, Jimmy?
Flash forward a few years and, what do you know, my wife, the glorious online hunter that she is, found me a hardbound collection of Lois Lane comics! (Which, exaggeration of this article aside, is easily one of my favorite presents of all time) Now I would know what was inside of these comics for sure! Now I would know how exaggerated or realistic they were!
I was as happy as Superman appears to be on this cover.
Also, what the hell, Superman?
So I read the book from cover to cover, and from start to finish I was laughing out loud, knowing that this would soon be a personal camp favorite of mine.
Before I get into the unintentional camp aspects of this, I want to address the elephant in the room. Being written in the late 50's, to call Lois Lane comics wildly sexist would be a gross understatement. To the author's credit, they seemed to think they were making Lois Lane an independent, career-minded woman, which she is, sort of. She's also incredibly vain, prone to wild mood swings, violently jealous of other women and absolutely obsessed with marrying Superman. I have my doubts that the writers or indeed anyone behind these comics had ever been within a hundred miles of a living, breathing human female. The portrayal of Lois Lane and the occasional guest appearances of Lana Lang are insulting and abhorrent.
I hate talking about stuff like this. Please enjoy this palate cleanser of cute kittens.
While this would explain a lot of the storylines and problems with the series that make it unintentionally funny to read from a modern perspective, it still can't explain a lot of the lunacy that exists within these comics. How crazy does it get? Well...
Pretty crazy. The answer is pretty crazy.
In her constant bid to impress Superman enough to propose to her, Lois has gone through so many crazy schemes that even Lucy Ricardo would probably tell her to slow down. Hearing that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, Lois decides to temporarily quit her job to become a diner cook. Hearing that a man likes a woman who constantly change their looks, Lois pulls out an old costume trunk and starts parading around Metropolis dressed like some bizarre theme-prostitute.
An entire issue is dedicated to Lois trying to win a part in a Broadway play by spending a week working at a pretzel factory, while being sabotaged all the way by a jealous coworker trying to win a job at the factory for his girlfriend (not making a word of that up). Multiple issues are dedicated to various people convincingly pretending to be Superman to extort information out of Lois. Considering all these crooks seem to have access to impressive special effects rigs and photorealistic rubber masks, it's amazing that anyone in Metropolis actually trusts anyone. (And that Lois manages to keep her Daily Planet job after trying so many other jobs on for size.)
Far too many issues read like rejected scripts for Scooby Doo. Wait, Lois Lane comics came first? Never mind.
And let's not forget how many times Lois has suffered massive head-injury related delusions. From a coma that convinces her she's married to Superman to a bump on the head that makes her think she's Annie Oakley to a bizarre aging potion related mishap that convinces her she's a witch, Lois has more identity crises than the average superhero. To top it off, according to this universe's logic, everybody must play into these delusions until she snaps out of it lest Lois have a mental break and go completely insane.
I am Lois' fragile psyche.
But surely there must be some sanity at the core relationship of the series between Lois and Superman, right? Yeah... no. The relationship between Lois and Superman is twisted, at best, and fodder for a gothic romance novel at worst. They manipulate each other so wildly that they make a cruel mockery of the ideas of "love" "trust" and "restraining orders". When Superman is accidentally transformed into a baby in one issue, Lois and romantic rival Lana Lang take turns brainwashing Superbaby into a state where he'll propose to one of them when he returns to adulthood. Whenever Superman shows her the slightest affection for her, Lois usually finds some scheme to undermine this, like marrying another man for the sake of winning a house without telling Superman the truth (lest he ruin her new house).
Superman is even worse at the relationship business, as he spends most of his time trying to teach Lois lessons, mostly by setting up cruel pranks where she thinks she might have gotten someone killed (probably Jimmy Olson) so she might learn the error of her reckless ways, destroying her newly won house to teach her about lying about being married, and convincing her she'd travelled into the future 50 years (and that many people she loved had since died) after she snuck aboard an experimental rocket. The lowest of the low for him (at least as far as I've read) comes in an issue where Superman saves Lois from a mob enforcer (without her consent) by blasting her with a fat ray (which is apparently a thing), then pretending for the rest of the story that he doesn't recognize her and constantly commenting to her face on how fat she is and how difficult she is for him to carry, even though we regularly see him juggling cars.
Not quite cars, but you get the idea.
It's like watching Jerry Springer if one of the guests was capable of ending all life on Earth if they got angry enough. Still, also much like Jerry Springer, there is a lot of sad, unintentional, inter-species romance hilarity to be had.
So, dear readers, does anyone else get a kick out of Lois Lane comics like I do? Anybody else have some guilty pleasure pop culture favorites? Sound off in the comments below!
Matt's Five Favorite "So Bad It's Good" Pieces of Pop Culture # 3, X-Men (1990's Cartoon)
Hello dear readers, and welcome back to my month-long tribute to guilty pleasure pieces of pop culture that may be bad, but manage to find a way of tickling me all the same. Already I have covered a favorite cheesy episode of one of my favorite shows (# 5) and an absolutely terrible holiday classic (# 4) but now it's time to move on to a favorite cartoon series from my childhood that plays wonderfully differently now:
I was a child of the 90's, so a lot of its idiosyncrasies and oddities were lost on me then. Pop culture, slang...
...fashion...
I took all of these for granted and thought of them as pretty normal at the time. It's one of those things that you can only aptly look back at with the sense of sarcastic irony that fuels the internet in this day and age. While I won't call myself a professional hater, like many out there are, there are times where I have to join in the trend, if just for a good laugh. One of the easiest ways I've found to do this is through looking at my old favorite cartoons. Now, a lot of cartoons I used to love (Batman: The Animated Series, Gargoyles, old-school The Simpsons) have held up quite well, because they tried to keep their stories and settings relatively timeless. Then we have X-Men. This used to be a favorite of mine when I was a kid, because it was big and colorful and had a lot of things blowing up. I talked it up to my wife, remembering some of the more adult storylines the show had and wondering how it would look with adult eyes. Much to my surprise, Fiona got me a copy of the show for Christmas, and eager with anticipation we popped it in. I worried about having talked it up too much, would it still be good, would she hate it, would she regret getting it for me for Christmas.
So we watched it. And we did enjoy it. Just maybe not in the way I was expecting.
Wolverine in bright yellow spandex is perhaps the least hilarious thing about the show.
While the storytelling on this show is quite serious and impressive for a Saturday morning cartoon, its style is so over-the-top, so militantly 90's that we can't help but laugh almost the entire time we're watching the show. I could go on and on about all the various problems that this show has, but that would take forever. Instead, I'll just share the drinking game my wife and I created for it (though I wouldn't recommend using actual liquor for this; you'd probably die of alcohol poisoning over the course of an average episode).
THE CARTER FAMILY X-MEN ANIMATED SERIES DRINKING GAME
Take 1 Shot Whenever:
- Any character states the blindingly obvious
- Any character wildly overreacts to a relatively small stimuli
- Any team member threatens another with deadly force with little provocation
- Any character screams, grunts or groans unnecessarily
- Cyclops proves himself to be a major tool
- Wolverine vocally lusts after Jean Grey in front of either Jean or Cyclops
Wolverine: I know you two are married, Cyclops, but I'd still really love to nail Jean.
Cyclops: I understand, but I really wish you'd be more of a team player!
- Storm randomly monologues about how awesome she is while using her powers
Storm, we all know you can control the weather, we don't need you constantly reminding us.
- Beast quotes something
- Gambit refers to himself in the third person
Gambit approves.
- You feel the distinct urge to say "Shut up, Jubilee!"
This picture is silent and stationary and I still want to tell her to shut up.
- Whenever someone screams "JEAN!" at the top of their lungs
- Whenever a Sentinel acts or says something tremendously stupid
"Oh no, I am still plugged in!" - An actual quote from Master Mold, shortly before being destroyed.
Take 2 Shots Whenever:
- Professor X proves himself to be a manipulative dick
- A character has a flashback to Morph dying
Get used to hearing, "Wolverine, fall back!"
- Wolverine and Sabertooth go after each other like Itchy & Scratchy
They fight, they bite, they fight and bite and fight...
- Someone makes a reference to Storm being claustrophobic
Not from the cartoon, but illustrative of a favorite joke in our household. There's a moment in the show where Storm is covered in rubble, and someone shouts, "Quick, we have to save Storm, she's claustrophobic!" The fact that they focus on that and not the fact that she's covered in rubble always makes us laugh.
We've only rewatched the first 20 episodes, so I'm sure there are plenty more crazy things that I'm missing, but believe me when I say this show, while being immensely entertaining on its own, is a truly awesome source of unintentional comedy. If you don't believe me, take a few minutes to watch this montage. It will change your life.
So, dear readers, are there any other X-Men fans out there? Anybody else have some guilty pleasure pop culture favorites? Sound off in the comments below!
Matt's Fictional Christmas Wish List Part 2: Fashion
Welcome back to my continuing list of fictional items I'd enjoy having on my Christmas list this year. Already we have covered Vacations & Experiences, but now it is time to move on to a category I'm probably not the best qualified to cover: Fashion (Yes, Fi and I came up with these categories together, and yes this is going to be a shorter article than most because this is totally not my category. For a longer and more fun writeup please check out her list here. )
I'm far from the most stylish person in the world; honestly speaking if I could get away with wearing jeans and t-shirts for the rest of my life, accompanied by the occasional jacket or hoodie depending on weather, I would. So, being so wildly unqualified, this list will likely contain more fashions that would amuse me, or possibly imbue me with magical abilities I lack, than anything you would see me wearing on any functional basis. As before, I'm breaking this list up into various categories for multiple purposes.
No, this is not on the list. Couldn't resist using the picture, though.
SHIRT: Nigel Tufnel's X-Ray (This Is Spinal Tap)
I'm sure I actually could find this shirt somewhere if I really tried, but it wouldn't be the same, since it's not, you know, me. And because I don't have the sweet 80's heavy metal hair to go with it.
PANTS: The Hulk's Magic Pants (Marvel Comics)
I don't care that they're purple (personally, it's always been my favorite color), who wouldn't want a pair of indestructible pants?
SHOES: Marty's Future Shoes (Back to the Future Part II)
You know, there are still two more years to go before these become anachronistic; I can still hope for them to be invented, right? Shoes that lace themselves, dry themselves off when wet, probably even talk to you and motivate you to exercise... for someone as lazy as I am, these would be heaven.
FACIAL HAIR: Seneca Crane's Beard (The Hunger Games)
I can't grow a beard, my facial hair is rather patchy and half-invisible, but if I could I would really want to give this one a try. I mean, yeah, it's kind of intended to make you look like the devil, but a devil with style.
FULL ENSEMBLE: James Bond's Tuxedo (Casino Royale)
I've only ever worn a tux once in my life for a winter formal back when I was in high school, and I looked all right in it, but I looked like a high school kid wearing a tux. If I were ever to wear formalwear again (given the fact that I'm going to be a groomsman this coming April, there's every chance this will happen quite soon), I would hope to look as smooth and cool as James Bond did in this tux. I never actually would look that smooth and cool, of course, but a guy can dream, right?
HEADGEAR/DEAR GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?/MISCELLANEOUS FUN: Moose Head (Dead Rising)
It's decorative and deadly against zombies. So full of win.
So, dear readers, what fictional items of clothing would you love to get for Christmas? Sound off in the comments below!
Matt's Five Worst Fictional Jobs # 2, Robin
Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), fictional School Administrators (# 4), and Stephen King Monsters (# 3), but today we move on to a job that many a kid would probably kill for, even though they really shouldn't... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.)
HELP WANTED: Are you an orphan with a grudge, or perhaps an underaged boy or girl (preferably boy) with poor impulse control who wouldn't mind becoming an orphan in the near future? Are you interested in a career that involves little to no sleep while attempting to capture some of the scariest and most dangerous criminals known to man? Would you like to wear short shorts and occasionally share a bed with a perennial bachelor with known, serious psychological problems?
Tell me, old chum, do you like gladiator movies?
Would you like to live in what is arguably the worst city on Earth and face death every waking moment of your life? Well then, consider a career as Robin!
Warning: Your exploits may be adapted into a Joel Schumacher film.
PROS: You get to work with Batman, widely regarded as the most awesome man on the planet (according to the internet).
Sometimes referred to as "The Goddamn Batman".
CONS: You have to work with Batman, a violent vigilante with obsessive tendencies and dangerous mood swings whose whims are often shaped by the times and the dark, repulsive underbelly of Gotham City, widely regarded as one of the worst cities on the planet.
Not pictured: A great place to raise kids.
Many young people have filled the role of Robin over the decades, and almost all of them were taken in as the ward of Bruce Wayne. He takes in emotionally damaged, if exceptionally skilled, young people (most of them nubile, teenaged boys with near identical physical features, which is not disturbing in the slightest) and trains them into living weapons with which to fight crime. Sure, there are occasional mentions of them going to school, but given the regular indoctrination speeches defending his lifestyle he gives and the violent training he puts every Robin through, this comes across more as him brainwashing damaged young people into following in his footsteps. As most of them are lacking a strong male role model in their lives, they are generally all too eager to follow this crimefighting lunatic.
Just another night in the batcave.
And let's consider the danger that this job entails. In addition to regularly being forced to track down and capture regular gun and knife toting criminals, Robin's duties often entail taking down some of Arkham Asylum's finest inmates, including but not limited to schizophrenic terrorist clowns, mutant cannibals and self-mutilating serial killers.
To most people, Mr. Zsasz would be an episode of America's Most Wanted. To Robin, he is Thursday night's homework.
The dangers of this job to Robin and everyone around him cannot be overstated. While Dick Grayson was famously an orphan when adopted as the first Robin, more Robins would follow who still had living parents, and almost all of them would be lost over time due to their child's job as Robin. Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Damien Wayne would all lose fathers, while Jason Todd would lose his mother. This, of course, is not ignoring the fact that two Robins (Jason Todd and Damien Wayne) have died in the line of duty.
Well. Time to find a new Robin!
Finally, I'd like to address the elephant in the room:
This is not.
A man.
You want working with children.
Methinks Wayne Manor needs a visit from a social worker.
So, do you think you could survive being Robin? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!
Performanc​e Review Notes from the Justice League HR Department
Superheroes get off pretty easy when it comes to oversight, very few have to answer to any government or higher organization, so I thought it might be fun to play with the idea of the Justice League having to deal with the same kind of bs bureaucracy the rest of us have to in major companies. And so, I present to you some notes stolen from the Justice League's Human Resources Department.
(Author's Note: This article was partially inspired by a humor piece, "Hawkman's Performance Evaluation" written by my friend, Mario Lanza, back in the day for the SNLYou humor website.)
You have had an all around excellent performance this term with only two things of note: First, you have a track record of dying and coming back to life and/or being replaced that's almost longer than anyone else on the team. While everyone will almost certainly die and come back to life sooner or later, it gets confusing to people and we'd like to advise that when you've been replaced by another protégé with identical powers, find some way of making sure the two of you are differentiated. Let people know there's a "new and improved" Flash, perhaps?
Also, outside pressure has demanded that you undergo regular public drug tests. We all know your powers stem from the Speed Force, but there are plenty of naysayers out there who want proof that you're not using any performance-enhancing substances.
We are aware that there are multiple Green Lanterns stationed on Earth at any given time, and we would like to thank the Corps for their dedication to our planet. That being said, we have some general notes that apply to all of you.
While we appreciate having a group of intergalactic peacekeepers working on our planet, we think your greater dedication to the sector than to the planet Earth in particular has led you all toward not applying yourselves particularly well. Your rings allow you to create constructs that are limited only by your imagination, so why do you only usually create giant fists or walls? Consider creating giant green dinosaurs, or chainsaws, or Lovecraftian horrors the scale
of which will drive most common criminals mad? A little creativity will go a long way toward building your respect on this planet, especially when your widely known main weakness is a primary color. Criminals won't take the time to
make undefeatable yellow costumes if they think you're going to sic Godzilla on them if they step out of line.
We're not going to go into the obvious issue of your choice of superhero theme; kids really enjoy the Robin Hood outfit and bows and arrows are really hip these days (given the success of The Hunger Games franchise, Brave and similar works), so despite your ineffectiveness against almost every single supervillain in our universe, we have to give you points for foresight on theming yourself to what will no doubt be a long and enduring trend. Also, we're not here about the beard, even though it very clearly gives away your secret identity. Thankfully the people in your home town are not particularly bright. No, our only criticism for you today is about your ward, Speedy. Everybody has their problems, but your sidekick's public addiction to heroin, and the fact that you were completely unaware of it, has some questioning your abilities as Star City's all-seeing protector. It has them questioning what other problems you might have missed if this one snuck by under your nose. Make sure Speedy gets the help he needs, and make sure you keep a better eye on him in the future, lest he prove an even greater embarrassment to you, and the team.
As a modern workplace, we at the Justice League do not like to impose a dress code upon any of our employees. However, we would like to advise some... consideration in your costume choices. We understand that your bustier and hot pants combination were gifted to you by the Greek gods, but we're also sure that they did not have modern paparazzi in mind when considering this costume. One bad step in a fight with Cheetah or Giganta and you'll be facing a wardrobe malfunction that will be on all the tabloids covers, if not grievous injury to all of that exposed skin. You're empowered, you're strong, and the public knows this! You don't need to show a dangerous amount of skin to prove this to them. Maybe consider some of that Amazonian body armor? It sticks with your
theme and leaves you less open to injury.
And please consider ditching the high heels? Amazonian reflexes or no, they're a serious ankle or knee injury waiting to happen and very difficult to run in.
Black Canary, Zatanna, the same advice goes for you.
While our suggestions to the women regarding their wardrobe choices were just that, suggestions, J'onn, we must demand a change in your suit. Admittedly our knowledge of Martian customs are limited, but the speedo, straps and cape combo is more at home at a fetish ball than on a successful superhero team. Yes, you are making magazine covers, but they are not the covers of magazines you'd want to be on! You're a shapeshifting telepath with near godlike powers, showing off a physique that isn't even yours should really be more of an afterthought. You don't want people in a burning building running away from you because they think you're here for something else (though we also acknowledge that the odds of you running into a burning building anytime soon are fairly slim, so you get a pass there).
Also, we've reached an era where your name may be considered inappropriate. Have you considered something along the lines of "Martian Personhunter"? Please talk to our PR people for more suggestions.
Hawkgirl & Hawkman
This message goes to both of you because the point is the same. In order for the public to properly identify with you and trust you as heroes, they need to have an understanding of who you are. This is difficult enough for the members of the League who have to juggle secret identities, let alone backstories as riddled with contradictions such as yours. We understand this can be difficult when you're juggling reincarnated Egyptian spirits, Nth metal, Hawk gods and Thanagarian politics, but for the sake of simplification, please consider picking one back story to present to the public. This will help them better relate to you and increase your desperately needed marketability. Just being able to fly and swing a heavy weapon does not make you particularly noteworthy on this team.
Also, Hawkman, take a look at the same advice given to J'onn about the chest straps.
Out of everyone on the League, you have the greatest image problems. Let's face it, the public view you as a joke. They say, "Hey, he can swim and talk to fish! Let us mock him!" You are arguably one of the League's strongest members, you can summon and control sea monsters and great white sharks on a whim, you wield the Trident of Neptune and control water, for god's sake, you're the king of roughly 70% of Earth! You need to let the people know this! Stand up and make grandiose, powerful speeches, and don't be afraid to wield the might of Atlantis when helping the League. Every good ruler (and more than a few bad ones) has known that periodically rattling your sabers will get tremendous results. If this is too much, please consider changing your codename and outfit. An orange shirt and green pants and a name that makes you sound like a professional wrestler might have gone over well in the Silver Age, but we're in the 2000's now. Why not consider a name and an outfit more befitting of a king?
We have received more complaints about you not playing well with others than any other member of the League. We understand that your background in Gotham has given you a particularly grim worldview, and we sympathize, we really do. But if you want to remain on this team you are going to have to leave that surly attitude behind when you leave the city. Perk up, smile more often, relate personal experiences with your fellow League members that don't involve personal tragedy or taking down psychopaths like The Joker or Zsasz. We understand you have a very large amount of capital at your disposal, why not occasionally get gifts for your fellow League members, or even throw a party (we suggest a Hawaiian theme, the classics never go out of style)? Small, simple acts like these can show appreciation in a team and will let everyone know that you are dedicated to the League and all its members.
Additionally, we would like to ask if you'd please refrain from having files featuring intimate information on how to use the weaknesses of every member of the League to defeat them. We understand the necessity to have these things, given the relative ease of taking over a person's mind or the nature of temporary insanity, but these files have fallen into the wrong hands before and will again, and we cannot handle those kinds of personnel shortages. In the future, please keep any and all ideas like this in that brilliant, complex brain of yours.
This is not acceptable.
The people of Earth are grateful for all you have done for them, but at this point we are seriously considering letting you go from the team. Look, we know you're the strongest being on Earth, but it is not necessary to demonstrate it all the time. You do not need to burst through walls to enter every potential crime scene when there are usually perfectly good doors and windows but a few feet away. This is a sign of a dangerous trend where you just do not seem to care about the collateral damage you cause when fighting supervillains. We understand that, when fighting villains like Mongul or Metallo who have comparable strength to you, some damage will be incurred, but for god's sake, the last time you fought The Prankster, 17 people died and more than $1 billion in damages were incurred, deaths and damages that could have easily been prevented if you, say, took the fight to the Sahara Desert instead of flying through every building you saw to get to your foe. The League cannot continue paying for these damages, nor the ensuing wrongful death lawsuits. And yes, we understand that these damages often occur when you are mind-controlled or under the influence of some form of Kryptonite, but if it is that easy for someone with your level of godlike power to be mind-controlled, you should seriously consider if it's wise to put yourself in a position where you are likely to be mind-controlled.
And then we have the Lois Lane situation. Look, we understand that you're usually in love with her, but your relationship over the years has proven tumultuous at best and dangerously abusive at worst. The sheer number of times you have killed Lois over the years is disturbing, and does very little for your public image as a lifesaver. Killing her once we might have been able to excuse, but killing her repeatedly as you have is a sign of a dangerous trend.
This cannot keep happening!
Seriously, until further notice we are placing you on leave. Think about what you have done, and come up with a solution for how these errors of yours can best be remedied. We eagerly await your response on this matter.
So what do you think? Do these heroes need any more notes? I miss any who desperately needed a performance review? Sound off in the comments!
Matt Carter is an author of Horror, Sci-Fi, and yes even a little bit of Young Adult fiction. Along with his wife, F.J.R. Titchenell, he is represented by Fran Black of Literary Counsel and lives in the usually sunny town of San Gabriel, CA.
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Almost Infamous