Wrestling World of Wrestling
Whilst tidying up the basement of the E14 Office one day, wrestling correspondent Omer Ibrahim and general office layabout Brad Harmer stumbled upon what appeared to be a large gateway, carved out of obsidian or possibly black marble. After dusting it down and playing around for a little while, the boys (with the assistance of their mechanic - E14ie Kelly Prior) managed to figure out what the buggery it was. It was a Time Gate.
The user manual, written in Ancient Helliwigian indicated only three limitations:
1) The Time Gate cannot be used for more than three hours at a time.
2) The Time Gate can only bring people through, and send them back. It cannot send anyone from this end through time.
3) The Time Gate only works on pro-wrestlers.
Faced with their fantastic new discovery, Brad and Omer snuck a wrestling ring, commentator desk, Titantron and television crew into the basement and set out to achieve what anyone else would try and achieve were they in their shoes: to establish a pro-wrestling federation spanning space and time. And to avoid getting found out by Rob. He hates slackers.
Brad: Good evening everybody, this is Wrestling World of Wrestling! I'm Brad Harmer...
Omer: I'm Omer Ibrahim.
Brad: Still?
Omer: Yeah, I haven't changed yet.
Brad: Last time we had an interesting show where The Sixty-Two Million Bagillion Dollar Man Ted DiBiase.
Omer: He's go a flashy suit.
Brad: Yeah, he's got so many dollar signs, he has spare ones just to pin to his suit.
Omer: Do you...can you...do you spend dollar signs? Oh, I don't know...I'm not used to American culture.
Brad: I still think he looks like Noel Edmonds.
Omer: He does look a bit like a rich Noel Edmonds. With longer fingers.
Brad: What?
Omer: No, that was Jeremy Beadle, wasn't it?
Brad: It's okay, we'll cut that bit. So, Ted DiBiase turned up last time saying that he was heralding the arrival of his son.
Omer: That's right. I have looked into it, and I know exactly who his son is.
Brad: Okay.
Omer: Yep.
Brad: Who is it?
Omer: I know exactly who it is.
Brad: Who's that then?
Omer: ...I can't tell you.
Brad: Well, we're about to find out...here comes Ted DiBiase and he's accompanied by...
Omer: Yup...That's his son.
Brad: Is that King from Tekken?
Omer: No...that's Tiger Mask.
Brad: Oh.
Omer: That's his son.
Brad: Are we going on record here as saying that Satoru Sayama aka Tiger Mask is legitimately Ted DiBiase's son?
Omer: Why not?
Brad: Fine.
Omer: It's good that DiBiase is managing him, because I'm pretty sure that Tiger Mask can't speak English.
Brad: Can DiBiase? I mean, he must have earned all that money somehow.
Omer: Yeah, he's not that rich. Ted DiBiase is issuing an open challenge to anyone who wants to come out and fight his son. His son being Tiger Mask.
Brad: I wonder who's going to accept?
*Truck Horn Sound Effect*
Brad & Omer: Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun duh-duh duh-duh! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun duh-duh duh-duh!
Omer: Kevin Nash is answering the challenge.
Tiger Mask flies over and goes for a backward leg-sweep. Nash reverses and hits a knee-lift. Tiger Mask dodges out of the way, and goes for a high-level German suplex.
Omer: On Kevin Nash? That's insane!
Tiger Mask latches on the cross-face chicken wing. Nash powers himself back up. Tiger Mask bounces off with a Japanese arm-drag.
Brad: What's special about a Japanese arm-drag that makes it different from a normal arm-drag? Is it just smaller and more efficient?
Omer: It's got problems with its nuclear reactors.
Tiger Mask goes for a drop kick, and tries to follow up with a power slam! He succeeds! Kevin Nash is down. Tiger Mask hits a weird-ass flip over the ropes, Nash rolls under the bottom rope to the outside. Tiger Mask drops down after him and whips him into the steel ring-post. He throws Nash back into the ring...
Brad: I wasn't expecting Nash to get squashed here. I was expecting more of a-Tiger Suplex!
Omer: Over to the Japanese commentators!
Akira Nobu: Tigara Suplexu!
Omer: I love Japanese commentators.
Tiger Mask goes for the pin...one...two...Nash kicks out!
Brad: Nash isn't taking any of this shit from the small foreign man.
Tiger Mask goes for a brainbuster, but Nash counters, and hits a hip toss. Nash follows up with a series of punches to the face.
Brad: Jesus. Nash is nearly twice the size of Tiger Mask.
Omer: Yeah, we're basically just watching someone do over a small Japanese man by now.
Brad: Tiger Mask is out technically-wrestling him, so brawling is the only option left to him. Belly-to-belly suplex from Kevin Nash!
Omer: He's punching him to death!
Tiger Mask flips out of the corner and hits a brainbuster. Nash gets back up and hits sidewalk slam...one...two...Tiger Mask kicks out!
Tiger Mask gets hit with as side suplex, followed by a gut-wrench. Nash picks up Tiger Mask and throws him out of the ring. Ted DiBiase helps him back in.
Kevin Nash hits the Big Boot to the face.
Brad: He really hates his face.
Nash goes for a pin...one...two...Tiger Mask kicks out.
Kevin Nash hits an elbow to the face.
Kevin Nash hits a gutwrench, followed by another Big Boot to the face...
Brad: He really hates his...
Omer: We get it.
Kevin Nash hits the Jackknife Powerbomb! Ted DiBiase goes to interfere, Nash knocks out DiBiase and goes for the pin...one...two...THREE!
Brad: That was a truly epic match. This is Wrestling World of Wrestling...all bizarre matchups...all the time.
Omer: Nash has made a strong debut here. We should probably pay him. In women. Kelly? You're sleeping with Kevin Nash tonight!
Brad: It's a strong card tonight! Up next we have Shark Boy taking on Giant Haystacks in a Table Match.
Omer: That's going to be...terrible. Have we even got a table that's big enough for Haystacks to go through?
Brad: Shark Boy may have to layer up more than one table at a time.
Omer: Just...I don't know...a tree, maybe? Can we do a Tree Match?
Brad: That'd confuse the Lumberjacks.
Omer: We also have matches coming up from all our stars.
Brad: Like...Terry Funk and The Iron Sheik teaming up to take on Jushin Liger and Lex Luger?
Omer: Yes. The winning team in that match-up will go through and fight each other in the next stage of our tournament to become the first Wrestling World of Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion of the World.
Brad: Will Funk and Sheik be able to work as a team, do you think?
Omer: Well, they're both great wrestlers, but there's some bad blood at the moment. They're not a happy couple. They've both got some interesting facial hair, so we'll see how that clashes. The Iron Sheik has been very cowardly as far as facing up to Funk goes, recently, and Funk really wants a piece of him.
Brad: How about Liger and Luger as a team?
Omer: It could get weird when the crowd start chanting for one of them and they both turn around. They're very different styles of wrestlers, though. Liger is a lot stronger than you think, and Luger is a lot faster than you think.
Brad: From having enemies as tag-team partners to having tag-team partners as enemies, we've got Kurt Angle taking on Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
Omer: That could be almost pyrotechnic. They've been at each other's throats as tag-team recently, and it could turn into more of a brawl that their technical styles would indicate.
Brad: What do you think of the more violent side of Bret Hart we saw last time, when he essentially cripplerised Giant Baba?
Omer: Two backbreakers in a row, yeah. Andre the Giant is not happy about that.
Brad: Has anyone heard from Andre, or is he...skulking?
Omer: He's filming a movie about...a Princess?
Brad: Conan the Destroyer?
Omer: That's the one.
Brad: Then, we have The Undertaker, who has recruited The Great Muta, will be taking on Sergeant Slaughter.
Omer: Yeah, Slaughter is the surprise entrant in this tournament. He's been a Heavyweight Champion before, and he could be a good contender against The Undertaker.
Brad: How did he get in here, anyway?
Omer: Well, basically, the Time Gate is leaking a bit.
Brad: Leaking?
Omer: Yeah...leaking...um...Sergeant Slaughters. They've got eight backstage.
Brad: And, of course, we're crowning the first ever Wrestling World of Wrestling title tonight with the Cruiserweight Title being decided via ladder match between Mistico and "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka.
Omer: Should be interesting. I think Snuka will probably handle the ladder a little better than Mistico.
Brad: You have actually - and this isn't a joke, readers - you have actually wrestled Jimmy Snuka in real life, haven't you?
Omer: I have, yes. He's a very nice man, and a wrestling legend. He's a very tough guy. That Superfly Splash is quite devastating, I can tell you that much. Mistico is much faster, though.
Brad: It's time for the Shark Boy Match!
Omer: Yay!
Brad: Just to give our fans a quick run-down, we use an older, more NWA-inspired version of a Table Match. In this, a wrestler has to be put through a table before he can be pinned.
Omer: Therefore for instance, Shark Boy could go through a table, then pin Haystacks, and it wouldn't count, because Haystacks hasn't gone through a table yet.
Brad: Yeah, two victory conditions: You must put your opponent through a table before they can be pinned.
Omer: Several tables can be broken here.
Brad: How many tables have we...Kelly? Can we get some more tables, please?
SHARK BOY
GIANT HAYSTACKS
TABLE MATCH RULES
Shark Boy opens up with an armringer, Giant Haystacks no-sells like a bitch, and throws Shark Boy into the turnbuckle. Shark Boy ducks out of the way, and Haystacks runs head first into the turnbuckle and collapses. Shark Boy sets up two tables on top of each other in the centre of the ring. He places Giant Haystacks on them, then climbs up the turnbuckle. He jumps off and onto Haystacks.
Haystacks rolls out of the way, and Shark Boy collapses through both tables.
Omer: Does that count?
Brad: Yes, Shark Boy counts as having gone through a table.
Giant Haystacks rolls and drapes an arm over Shark Boy.
One...two...Shark Boy kicks out!
Brad: It could have all been over there!
Omer: That would have been massively disappointing.
Giant Haystacks places a table outside the ring and puts Shark Boy on top of it. He clambers onto the ring apron and jumps off onto Shark Boy. Shark Boy moves out of the way, and Haystacks crashes through!
Omer: Idiots! You're all idiots!
Brad: You're not allowed to wrestle anymore!
Omer: If anyone gets a pin here, it's all over.
Haystacks is dazed and stumbles to his feet, Shark Boy hits a stunning cross body block and goes for a pin...one...two...THREE!
Omer: He's got him!
Brad: Ladies and gentlemen, Shark Boy has won a match in WWOW!
Omer: This is retarded...
Brad: that makes up for the overly long match last time. I think it all went wrong when Haystacks tried to set up that table.
Omer: I think it all went wrong when we tried to book this match.
Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wrestling, and we're very, very sorry.
Omer: Yeah...
Brad: Don't forget that - in a few shows time, we have the first Pay-Per-View event for WWOW: King of the Thing. This is where we'll see the final to crown the first ever WWOW World Heavyweight Champion of the World. Our first qualifying match is up now, where Jushin Liger and Lex Luger take on The Iron Sheik and Terry Funk, with the winning team both going through to face each other next time. We're guaranteed that our Champion will either be Terry Funk, The Iron Sheik, Liger, Lex Luger, The Undertaker, Sgt Slaughter, Kurt Angle or Bret Hart.
All of those men are championship material.
Omer: I'm happy so long as it isn't Shark Boy. I'd be happy with Giant Haystacks. They're all previous champions.
Brad: Even Iron Sheik?
Omer: Oh, yes. He's responsible - so he says, and I agree with him - for Hulk Hogan's success.
Brad: That's because you're a big, dirty Turk.
Omer: It's because The Iron Sheik is the man that Hogan won his first World Title from. I think that if he hadn't have beaten the Big-Foreign-Champion, then he would never have been as big as he became.
Brad: Makes sense. Well, we have no female wrestlers in the WWOW at the moment...who would you like to see turn up in the future?
Omer: Well, Mickie James is big at the moment.
Brad: She's fantastic, that's for sure. I'm a big Daffney fan.
Omer: Sunny, Sable, Awesome Kong. Trish Stratus and Lita were big.
Brad: Okay, fans, if there are any women that you'd like to see in the future in WWOW, let us know at the address at the end of the show, and we'll see if we can get the Time Gate to work properly. We're here to put on the matches you want to see.
Omer: I want to see Chyna versus Awesome Kong.
Brad: We're not using Mae Young, are we? I haven't forgiven her for the Royal Rumble incident, yet.
Omer: No. She was always old.
Brad: You're right.
Omer: I saw a match recently of Fabulous Moolah defending her title back in the day, and she was old then.
TERRY FUNK & THE IRON SHEIK
LEX LUGER & JUSHIN "THUNDER" LIGER
Brad: The winners of this match will both advance in the tournament to crown WWOW World Heavyweight World Title.
Omer: But they will fight each other in the next round.
Luger and Funk start the match. Funk hits a knife-edge chop, follows up with some punches, knocking Luger down. Funk whips Luger into the ropes, Funk sends him flying with a back-body drop. Luger counters an attempted atomic drop with a solid clothesline. Luger goes for a press slam, but Funk wriggles out and tags in The Iron Sheik.
The Iron Sheik hits a belly-to-belly suplex, Luger tags in Jushin "Thunder" Liger.
Japanese Ring-Announcer: Jushiiin Thunderra Liiga.
Omer: I love that guy.
Liger takes down Sheik with a Shotai palm-strike, and goes for the pin...one...two...Sheik kicks out.
Brad: It'll take more than that to drop The Iron Sheik.
Liger gets a sleeperhold locked in, Sheik begins to coutner, but Liger locks in an elevated surfboard. Sheik reaches out to tag from Funk, but can't reach. Liger lets go and hits a rolling koppou kick. The Iron Sheik manages to get the tag to Terry Funk, who runs in and hits Liger with an eye-gouge. Funk goes for a pin...one...two...THREE!
Omer: He just pinned him with an eye-gouge! What the fuck?
Brad: That was our big hero getting crushed by two old, fat men.
Omer: We'll strike that from the record.
Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wrestling - More Revisionist History Than a WWE Documentary.
Omer: Up next...
Brad: The next round of the tournament - Kurt Angle versus Bret Hart.
Omer: We're joined here at the announce desk by a very special guest.
Brad: Ladies and Gentlemen, the only Frenchman you can't take the piss out of: Andre the Giant!
Andre: Bonjour. Je suis tres grande.
Brad: It was a stroke of luck getting "The Giant" as a surname, really, wasn't it? It'd look silly if you were only 4' tall.
Omer: Wrestling World of Wrestling: All Terrible Jokes, All the Time.
Brad: Well, when Rob's not here, someone has to pick up the slack.
Angle nails Bret with a European uppercut...
Brad: It's already punchier than I was expecting.
Bret manages to hit a snap suplex, and hits a rear-naked choke.
Brad: Why do they call that a "naked" choke?
Omer: I dunno.
Brad: Great. We appreciate your wrestling expertise on this show.
Bret hits an overhead belly-to-belly.
Brad: Shades of Gangrel, there.
Bret comes off the ropes, and Kurt takes him down with a jarring back body drop.
Omer: Follows up with a vertical suplex.
Brad: Yeah, to differentiate from a horizontal suplex. Which would be monstrous.
Kurt Angle hits three German Suplexes, Bret gets straight back up and takes Bret down with a Russian leg-sweep, before locking on the Sharpshooter...Kurt taps out!
Omer: That was a bit of a surpise. Funk, The Iron Sheik...Bret Hart. One of those people could be our new WWOW Champion.
Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wrestling: Oh My Brother, Testify.
SERGEANT SLAUGHTER
Undertaker opens up the match with a throat toss, and follows up with a running clothesline. Slaugheter suffers further at the hands of Undertaker's choke-lift. The Undertaker hits a stalling suplext, followed by a flying clothesline.
Brad: Sergeant Slaughter doesn't seem to know any offensive movies.
The Undertaker hits the Old School, then throws him out of the ring. Undertaker follows him out, and a wild brawl erupts. Taker throws Slaughter back in the ring, and hits a throat chop.
Brad: You've seen Sergeant Slaughter matches before, yeah?
Omer: Yeah.
Brad: Has he ever done a move?
Omer: He has a Cobra Clutch.
Brad: Are we sure this isn't just a suplex dummy wearing a uniform?
Taker hits a Big Boot, followed by a hard head-butt.
Omer: Slaughter keeps getting up.
Taker nails Slaughter with a shoulder tackle, and whips him into the turnbuckle, taking him down with a nerve pinch. Slaughter powers his way back up and hits an axe-handle to the face, then throws 'Taker into a turnbuckle. Slaughter goes for a spear, but Taker hits the Tombstone Piledriver..one...two...THREE!
Omer: No-one's surprised by that.
Brad: I can only hope this leads to the creation of an evil Sergeant Slaughter, with lightning power.
Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wrestling, and nothing makes sense.
Omer: Star Wars rules!
Brad: Okay, for our main event, it's a ladder match to crown the WWOW Light Heavyweight Cruiserweight Champion which sees "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka taking on Mistico in a ladder match.
Omer: Can we have a Black Man Only championship?
Omer: The World of Grappling Championship.
Brad: You want to call it the WOG Championship?
"SUPERFLY" JIMMY SNUKA
LADDER MATCH RULES
Brad: Mistico wastes no time with a flying body attack!
Omer: He attacks his body with his flies? What's a body attack? Snuka's down, anyway.
Mistico goes for a front facelock, Superfly fights his way out and hits a headbutt.
Brad: What cruiserweight ability we are witness to here.
Mistico hits a tilt-a-whirl-headscissors. Mistico tries to climb up the ladder, but so does Snuka. The ladder falls over, and they both hit the ring hard.
Jimmy Snuka gets up and hits a Knee-Drop on Mistico. Mistico rolls up and hits a hurricunrana, followed by a series of forearms; following up with a standing dropkick, which Snuka ducks, then hits his leapfrog and chop. Snuka capitalises with a backbreaker. Snuka whips Mistico into the ladder! Snuka hits a powerslam on Mistico...Mistico looks in a bad way. Snuka slams the ladder onto Mistico, then climbs the turnbuckle, and hits Mistico and the ladder with the Superfly Splash!
Snuka sets up the ladder to try and capture the belt. Mistico just gets to him in time and pulls him back down. Snuka hits a vicious chop, followed by another Leapfrog and Chop. Snuka smashes Mistico's face into the ladder.
Snuka goes up top and goes for a flying headbutt, but Mistico gets his knees up, and capitalises with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Mistico tries to climb the ladder, but Snuka pulls him back down again. Mistico hits a series of standing dropkicks to take the wind out of Snuka's sails, and capitalises with the 619. Mistico runs up the ladder, and tries to reach the belt, but Snuka knocks the ladder over and Mistico bounces off the top rope to the outside of the ring.
Snuka hits the Superfly Leap to Mistico on the outside. Snuka climbs back in and claims the belt!
Omer: Jimmy Snuka is our first WWOW Cruiserweight Light Heavyweight Champion!
Brad: It's been a good match.
Omer: There's not a more deserving champion.
Brad: This has been Wrestling World of Wrestling: All Shark Boy, All the Time!!!
Words: Brad Harmer & Omer Ibrahim. Match results generated using Filsinger Games' Legends of Wrestling game system. This is a work of parody and none of the wrestlers mentioned are involved with or endorse this series.
THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF DRACULA GIVEAWAY
How will the King of Vampires adapt to the social and technological changes brought by the twenty-first century? Could the Count's condition be cured by modern medicine? How does the mythology perpetuated by literature and movies affect the existence of a real bloodsucker? What if Dracula found himself ruler of a world controlled by vampires? Or perhaps political and ecological catastrophe will result in the Count's final destruction?
This tribute to the world's greatest vampire collects together more than 200,000 words of Dracula fiction by masters of dark fantasy such as: Hugh B. Cave, R. Chetwynd-Hayes, Basil Copper, John Gordon, Brian Hodge, Nancy Holder, Nancy Kilpatrick, Roberta Lannes, Thomas Ligotti, Paul J. McAuley, Nicholas Royle, Guy N. Smith and many more. It also includes a brand new story from Charlaine Harris!
Thanks to our friends at Constable and Robinson, we've got five copies of The Mammoth Book of Dracula to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 29th April, making sure to put "The Mammoth Book of Dracula" as the subject. The first five entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!
Don't forget to put "The Mammoth Book of Dracula" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.
The Mammoth Book of Dracula is available now, priced £7.99.
Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.
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