Tag Archives: JLo
IRWIN ALLEN WOULD BE PROUD
1. San Andreas/WB Wknd/$ 53.2 Total/$ 53.2
4. Mad Max: Fury Road/WB Wknd/$ 13.6 Total/$ 115.9
6. Aloha/Sony Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0
7. Poltergeist/Fox Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 38.3
IT DWAYNE JOHNSON'S THE BOX OFFICE!
San Andreas opens at number one and this is very important to Dwayne Johnson for two reasons. Number 1: that's the only name associated with this. "The Rock" is nowhere to be seen. Probably there's a good chance Jim McMahon owns it, in yet another way the straight entertainment industry and porn intersect. So to be able to keep all the money he makes, Johnson needs to put The Rock in his rearview as much as humanly possible. Number 2: he's the only star and it's not sequel. While clearly successful, that Johnson's career hasn't exactly gone the way any one had thought isn't a secret. While a boost to sequels, he has failed to carry films all by himself. Probably because he and his agents/managers have horrible, horrible middle-0f-the-road, being-too-safe tastes. I mean look at this. It's straight up, by-the-numbers disaster porn. It couldn't be any safer if it actually was a sequel. Like any genre film, no one is really coming to see him as much they are to see Los Angeles and San Francisco die horribly. I mean, it'd be great if there were a charismatic star there to help it along, but it's not really required. He's here for the same reason Dennis Quaid was in The Day After Tomorrow and John Cusack was in 2015: they were of a certain age and needed an easy pitch to boost the resume. San Andreas is actually better disaster porn than The Day After Tomorrow and 2015, not simply because Johnson is more fun to watch, but because they eschew the disaster film trope of multiple storylines around the event. It's basically two: Johnson and Carla Gugino trying to get to their daughter in San Francisco and their daughter trying to stay alive until they come. Okay there's Paul Giamatti and "The Scientist Who Knew It Was Coming" but that's it. All he does is warn people there's no dramatic struggle on his end. That not only pares the film down, but clearly allowed them to put that money into more bloodless carnage. People fall and are crushed, but there's no sign of corpses. Seriously. Every one dies perfectly hidden by the rubble so Johnson's pretty daughter is spared having to make her way through a city of the dead and dying. In your typical disaster film, she'd be picking up survivors on the way, but this spares us that cliché for a leaner, clearly meaner disaster film. And honestly the less of this "writing" the better because it's as clichéd as you can imagine. Just like every other disaster movie the hero and his wife are divorcing due to a tragedy in the past (they lost a daughter). And just like every other disaster movie the guy she's now with is handsome, rich and successful. And just like every other disaster movie, the new guy is ultimately shown to a coward, leaving Johnson's daughter trapped in parking garage (2015 actually avoids this cliché making this film less daring than a Rolan Emmerich film if you can believe that). To be fair, the man is clearly broken by the magnitude of the events around him. He's actually trying to find help when the person he's talking to dies in front of him, missing him by literal inches. That's when he runs. After that, however, he's a pure save-myself-coward. Even his sister is shown to be a total bitch before biting the dust. That's how black and white simplistic the script is. Oh, the daughter they lost? She drowned so guess what Johnson has to save their other daughter from in the final act? I'm giving nothing away. It's in the trailer. So yeah, less of this "writing" and more watching The Golden Gate bridge get hit by both an earthquake and a tsunami the better.
TOO BAD, KID
Pitch Perfect holds at number two, followed Tomorrowland down to number three and as the ostensible star of this is Britt Robertson. She'd be the clear-cut star if the film didn't flat out open with George Clooney's face. Yeah, she's talking to him off-camera and it does eventually switch to her, but all the while you're waiting for Clooney to come back so they can get to the trope of "Cynical Older Person Who's Given Up Brought Back By Kid Who Still Believes." As I mentioned before she goes from being smart, optimistic and innovative on her own to just being this annoying person who constantly asks questions when she hooks up with Girl Robot and George Clooney. The movie becomes almost meta when Clooney asks her "Why can't you shut up and simply be amazed?" because that's how the character should be. The character was originally a boy and I have to wonder if he'd have been allowed to be nearly as annoying or would have be been the typical fantasy stand-in for the writer/director kid boy genius they way they always are in these movies. He would have been amazed and still would have asked smart questions. Poor Britt. Between this and The Longest Ride it looked on paper like she had two sure fire successes, but both have underperformed. It seemed like she was about to break out, but she's still stuck under the dome. Get it? She's on that show. It only runs in the summer. See what I did there?
YOU BALLS WON'T GET SMALLER, BUT MAYBE A LITTLE SMARTER
Mad Max Fury Road is down to number four and while not doing dazzling box office numbers there is no better critically nor audience reviewed film out there. Hopefully this will give it legs, because it's always a tragedy when a film this good doesn't perform as well as it should. I mean despite all the talk of it being so smart it's still a movie where cars go really fast and things go boom. Don't be afraid, Fast & Furious fans. You'll still like it even if you don't understand why afterward your girlfriend starts making more decisions in your relationship and why you're comfortable letting her.
SIGH. GUESS THIS MEANS NO SATAN CLAW EITHER
Avengers: Age of Ultron is holding at number five which actually says something given it's now sharing theaters with San Andreas and Mad Max: Fury Road. In the film far too briefly is Thomas Kretschmann as Baron Strucker. In the comics Strucker was an enemy to Nick Fury in World War II, afterwards as head of Hydra and of course sometimes bumped heads with Captain America. He's in the film for about ten minutes before being killed off-screen by Ultron. This is a waste of a good actor and a good character. Almost as much of a waste as the whole damn Hulk/Black Widow storyline. Sorry, but the more I think about it the worse it gets. Hopefully, we'll see his evil twin children whom he genetically altered as embryos to have superpowers. Later when the sister is killed, brother keeps her tanned skin on his sword to retain his superpowers. Ewww. Maybe we'll leave that part out.
I'M SURE THE IRONY OF THE NAME IS NOT LOST ON HIM
Aloha opens at number six and once upon a time a new Cameron Crowe film would have me at the theaters opening weekend, but Elizabethtown is apparently something neither he nor the audience can overcome. Since then it's only been We Bought A Zoo in terms of narrative film work and I kinda gave that a pass for the same reason I did this: I'm pretty much done with movies where an older male protagonist is renewed by a much younger blonde (no, it didn't help that Hawaii, the only state where white people are a minority is depicted as lily-white, but my main gripe is the May/December plotline). It was Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson in We Bought A Zoo and now it's Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone. I actually like Emma Stone, but she's got to stop playing the younger girl the older man can't help himself but fall for (she also did it in a Woody Allen film with Colin Firth). Worse still, Rachel McAdams whom I absolutely adore is also in this but am prevented from seeing by this damn romantic subplot. Given Crowe's recently divorced from Nancy Wilson (yes, of Heart) I fear this has origins in his personal life and fear only more in the future.
SHHH! IT'S HIS SECRET SHAME!
Poltergeist is down to number seven and I still have not seen an ad for this. I live in fucking New York! It's a media hub! How is this possible!?! Sigh. Back to milk the dead cow is none other than Sam Raimi who's listed as producer. He's also doing an Evil Dead TV series. So I guess original work is for young people, huh, Sam?
THE REST, THE END
Far From The Maddening Crowd is down to number eight, followed by Hot Pursuit at number nine and inexplicably holding on to number ten is Home.
LESS OLD IS MORE LIKE IT
So, the summer TV season hasn't kicked off yet, but I've been drawn into some springtime TV on freaking TV Land, which is a spin-off of Nickelodeon. And let me tell you, it ain't really for kids. Younger is about a divorced 40-something who, when she can't find a job because of her age (striking closer to home than I'd like) gets a makeover and starts pretending she's 26. Now, while there are real life examples of similar things happening and there's actually an actress who's been playing teenagers for 20-years, there's no way like Sutton Foster is passing for 20-anything. She she probably didn't look 26 when she was 26 (theater people age hard). Even the book this is based on drew the line at 29. It's also from Darren Starr so between that and trying to buy anyone accepting Sutton Foster as 26, I gave it a pass. Then, while channel surfing I came across a rather explicit sex scene. And by explicit I mean that even though she still had her bra on is Sarah Jessica Parker fashion they clearly he was going down her. They then moved to multiple position montage including doggystyle and reverse-cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl on a channel associated with Nickelodeon. Wow (I won't even get into the pixelated nudity that actually does happen with another character who celebrates what she calls "Topless Tuesday" for her Twitter followers). So I watched for a little context and…it's not too bad. Plus they appeal to my weakness: the show is clearly shot here in New York. I still fast forward any time there's some horribly contrived scene where she's hiding her age (she has a college aged daughter, but strangely knew nothing about Twitter), but it's some reasonably entertaining springtime viewing.
ORIGINAL ANGRY GEEK.COM
Tags: 2012, Almost Famous, Aloha, angrygeek, Anna Kendrick, Baron Strucker, Bradley Cooper, Britt Robertson, Cameron Crowe, Captain America The Winter Soldier, Captatin America, Carey Mulligan, Carlal Gugino, Charlize Thereon, Chris Evans, chris hemsworth, Darren Starr, Disney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne Johnson, Earthquake, elizabeth banks, Elizabeth Olsen, Elizabethtown, Emma Stone, Far From The Maddening Crowd, film reviews, George Clooney, Green Lantern, Guardians of the Galaxy, hawkeye, Heart, Home 2015, Hot Pursuit, Hugh Laurie, idris elba, iron man, James Spader, jennifer lopez, jeremy renner, Jim Parsons, JLo, Mad Max, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, Marvel Comics, Mel Gibson, movie reviews, Nancy Wilson, Nicholas Hoult, nick fury, Paul Bettany, Paul Giamatti, Pirates of the Caribbean, Pitch Perfect, Pitch Perfect 2, Poltergeist, Quicksilver, Rachel McAdams, Rebel Wilson, reese witherspoon, Rhianna, Riley Keough, Robert Downey Jr, Rosie Huntignton-Whiteley, Sam Raimi, Samuel L. Jackson, San Andreas, Scarlett Johansson, Sex & The City, Sofia Vegara, Stan Lee, Steve Martin, Sutton Foster, television reviews, the avengers, The Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Black Widow, The Day After Tomorrow, The Road Warrior, The Rock, The Scarlet Witch, Thomas Hardy, Thomas Kretschmann, thor, Thor: The Dark World, Tomorrowland, tv reviews, Ultron, War Machine, weekend top ten box office, weekend top ten film, Weekend Top Ten Movies, Wild, X-Men, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Younger, zoe kravitz
THE FUN AND THE STUPID
1. Furious 7/Universal Wknd/$ 143.6 Total/$ 143.6
2. Home/Fox Wknd/$ 27.4 Total/$ 95.6
3. Get Hard/WB Wknd/$ 12.9 Total/$ 57.0
4. Cinderella/Disney Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 167.3
5. The Divergent Series: Insurgent Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 103.4
6. It Follows/RTWC Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 8.5
8. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 122.3
9. Do You Believe/PFR Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 9.8
10. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Wknd/$ 1.0 Total/$ 30.1
WE HAD STUPID FUN, LITERALLY.
Furious 7 (don't ask me why it's not Fast 7) opens at number one and this is the most over-the-top and ridiculous entry yet, which is saying something given we've seen a giant safe dragged through the streets of Rio and a tank on the highways of Europe. Let me put it this way: it opens with Jason Staham basically destroying a hospital single handedly while demanding they take care of his brother, who was the bad guy in Fast 6. Yeah, they're really gonna see to him care now. It's stupid fun with equal emphasis on both "stupid" and "fun." Once again a government agency feels the need to recruit a bunch of criminals to do a job for them. In return they'll help them find Jason Staham who is after the team for crippling his brother. At least this time they have Kurt Russell explain that "officially" that his agency was forbidden to do it themselves, so they need to outsource the job. Hell, all that's missing is a tape saying if they're caught the secretary will disavow any knowledge of them then self-destructing. Of course the only way Vin Diesel & Company can do a job is through an utterly ridiculous and convoluted use of cars, as if no other devices or options exist. This time it's dropping muscle cars out of a C-4 transport plane to intercept an armored transport bus on a mountain pass. Understand that actual covert operative, Jason Statham manages to get there too without doing that and no one seems to notice. Also ignored are the basic laws of physics, but that happened once the series stopped so much being about racing and became an urban-Ocean's-11-by-way-of-James-Bond. Ludcaris was once just a guy who set up races, but became a hacker genius, while Paul Walker who was a cop then FBI agent is now basically Jason Bourne, a master of hand-to-hand combat skills going toe-to-toe with Tony Jaa. Yeah, that guy from Jackie Chan's stunt team who became a martial arts star in his own right. Watching it makes you think of when Bruce Lee fought Robin on the old Batman TV show. Extensive suspension of disbelief is required. Also ignored is basic biology as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who falls out of building onto a car (with another person on top of him), heals himself and breaks out of his cast Hulk style to…no. Telling you would only ruin the ridiculous fun of it. Honestly it's as much of a cartoon as anything you saw Bugs Bunny in, only here Bugs Bunny is played by Jason Statham and he wants you dead.
WORSE YET, IT WASN'T EVEN PIXAR
Home is down to number two and also a voice in this is…Jennifer Lopez. Ouch. You know it must have been sobering to get the call for this and be told you were supporting Rhianna (especially since JLo has that little girl voice). Hell, 20 years ago she was the hot 20-something, barely-can-sing pop star best known for being hot. And it hurts me that I'm old enough to remember this. I'm sure Steve Martin felt the same crushing touch of time when he was called and told that Jim Parsons would be the funny lead. Especially when Steve Martin at his peak was like Eddie Murphy at his peak, something Parsons isn't even remotely close to. Not to mention Martin was and is actually funny, something The Big Bang Theory has never been.
BRITTANY MORGAN FAIRCHILD (YOU HAVE TO BE OLD TO GET THAT JOKE)
Get Hard is down to number three and also in this is Allison Brie, whom I keep confusing with Brie Larson even though one is blonde and one is a brunette and I've only ever seen one thing from either of them. Allison Brie is on both Mad Men and the horribly overrated (but still better than The Big Bang Theory) Community while Brie Larson was Envy Adams in the horribly underrated Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and was briefly also on the horribly overrated (but still better than The Big Bang Theory) Community. The only other difference is Allison Brie will pose in her underwear for men's magazines, though I'm sure that's not the sole reason she has a more successful career. I mean, Brie Larson is blonde and we know that matters more than anything.
VERSION 1A
Cinderella is down to number four, followed by The Divergent Series: Insurgent at number fit and I forgot to mention the star, Shaliene Woodley (buds with Brie Larson by the way), who is most often compared to Jennifer Lawrence, which she doesn't understand. Well, honey, unless you can name another young female star heading a Young Adult science fiction novel based movie franchise who also has indie movie and Oscar cred under her belt then you need to suck it up. It's not simply that you both have a pixie haircut. She also takes Jennifer Lawrence's honest talk in interviews to a new level. Actually she takes it to a flat out, weird-ass hippie level about eating, clay walking around barefoot and sunbathing your vagina. Honestly, I can get behind that last one because I often feel my balls could use a little sunlight. Lead us (and our junk) out of the darkness, sister! But you or your agent or your manager should seriously be pitching a fit about the shitty photos in your Elle magazine spread. I mean, they made me feel better about the shitty photos I take, they're so bad.
LITERALLY AN ART FILM
It Follows is down to number six, followed by Woman in Gold opening at number seven and this looks like yet another Hallmark Hall of Fame movie that escaped to the big screen. It's based on the true of a woman who sued the Austrian government to get back a Klimt portrait of her aunt that was stolen by the Nazis in WWII while they insisted it was part of their cultural heritage, given that Klimt was Austrian. Now, I loves me some Klimt, but this just looks too antiseptic and filled with forced cuteness between Helen Mirren and trying-hard-to-comeback Ryan Reynolds, who at least seems to have learned that no one wants to see just him and he needs an actor with some actual weight beside him. And what's heavier than an Oscar-winning English actress?
THERE AIN'T NOTHING LIKE SOME DAMES
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number eight, followed by Do You Believe at number nine (which always makes me think of that Huey Lewis song) and The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at number ten and apparently Maggie Smith and Judi Densch are friends and have been for sixty years and doesn't that just make perfect sense? Wouldn't it be great for Maggie Smith to show up in the next Bond film as M's sister and ask him why the fuck he got her killed? No, I will never miss an opportunity to tell you how much Skyfall sucked.
Tags: 2 Fast 2 Furious, Alison Brie, Batman TV Series, Bruce Lee, Colin Firth, Do You Believe, Fast & The Furious, Get Hard, Gustav Klimt, Home, It Follows, Jennifer Lawrence, jennifer lopez, Jim Parsons, JLo, Judi Densch, Kevin Hart, Kingsman: The Secret Service, Kurt Russell, Ludacris, Maggie Smith, Michael Brown, Michael Caine, Mira Sorvino, Paul Walker, Rhianna, Richard Gere, Samuel L. Jackson, Shailene Woodley, Steve Martin, Targon Egerton, The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The Divergent Series: Insurgent, The Ipcress File, The Replacement Killers, The Spectacular Now, Tony Jaa, Vin Diesel, Will Ferrell, Woman In Gold
FLASH! HE CAN STILL SAVE EVERYONE OF YOU!
1. The SpongeBob Movie/Par Wknd/$ 56.0 Total/$ 56.0
2. American Sniper/Warner Wknd/$ 24.2 Total/$ 282.3
3. Jupiter Ascending/Warner Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 19.0
4. Seventh Son/Universal Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 7.1
5. Paddington/Weinstein Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 57.3
6. Project Almanac/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 15.8
7. The Imitation Game/Weinstein Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 74.7 8.
8. The Wedding Ringer/SGems Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 55.1
9. Black or White/Relativity Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 13.1
10. The Boy Next Door/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 30.7
I DON'T WATCH ADVENTURE TIME EITHER
The SpongeBob Movie opens at number one and I've never seen the show. That whole hipster moment totally passed me by. And while the trailer did look exceptionally funny I feel it's a little late to hop onboard.
CAREERS DESCENDING
American Sniper is down to number two, followed by Jupiter Ascending opening at number three. Now this was supposed to be one of the big summer movies last year, but got pushed back, which is never a good sign. That they chose to release it in February made it perfectly clear the studio thought it was a dud and unfortunately they were right. The Wachowskis (no longer the brothers as one has become a woman) have never made an unattractive film, but they've only made two actually good ones: Bound and The Matrix. The others range between messy but entertaining (Cloud Atlas, Matrix Reloaded Speed Racer) to flat out bad (The Matrix Revolutions). This sadly goes into that latter category, though like always is easy on the eyes. It thoroughly embraces the idea of eye candy in space opera which has basically been lost since 2001: A Space Odyssey utilized actual science in its production so the "look" science fiction space operas has been utilitarian ever since. Seeing this makes me wish they'd done an adaption of Flash Gordon instead as they could have brought the beautiful imagery of Alex Raymond's work to life, all the way down to women in slutwear being a fashion universal. I never enjoyed the film more than when they just showing gigantic spaceships that basically looked like chandeliers flying through space. And honestly that's all I had, because The Wachowskis once again utilize the idea of an ordinary person who is in fact a very special person who enters into a fantastic world that was around them all the time. The difference being while Neo became an actual participant in that world, Jupiter is always the spectator or the damsel to be saved. She's the protagonist, but not the hero. The story would have been better told from the perspective of her savior, Channing Tatum, a human spliced with a wolf to be a better space soldier who tracks her down as a result of the inner struggles of a family space dynasty. Yeah, I make it sound more interesting than it is. Basically, she's the genetic recreation of the matriarch and is now a pawn between the matriarch's three children as she "owns" the earth, which would make her richer than all of them. Okay, it's actually as dull as that sounded. It's so ill conceived, that one of the siblings is totally dropped by the third act and you don't even miss her, nor do we see what happens when one of them dies, which literally changes everything because the whole fucking movie is driven by sibling rivalry! I think it's telling that Channing Tatum, who is best known for his body didn't feel the need to get in top shape for this despite the fact that the movie has him shirtless for half-an hour for no real reason. A weak script isn't worth crunches or dieting. And what's the point of having reincarnation as a central plot point when the character is only the physical reincarnation and has no memories from their previous life?
THE MUSTACHE ABIDES
Opening a number four is The Seventh Son, another delayed film whose February dumping boded ill and once again that decision was dead on. This film is about Jeff Bridges' mustache and a male model in their battle against Julianne Moore paying the bills so she can do Oscar-worthy indie film work. Yes, this is yet another attempt to create a franchise out of a Young Adult novel and yet another failure because they don't seem to realize that unless it's a mega success like Harry Potter or Twilight in print form it's not coming with a built-in audience of millions. You actually have to but something behind it. This is just a waste of actually talented actors and a decent CGI budget because it lacks a better director who realizes you just can't say there's light in the villain and dark in the hero, you have to show it. That way you get fully realized characters. And if you want just a big cartoon (which is fine too) then you have to drop those concepts and amp up the pace. It does neither of those things. But it didn't bore me like Jupiter Ascending did.
TO BE FAIR, NO ONE SAW HER MOVIES WHEN SHE WAS MRS. CRUISE EITHER
Paddington is down to number five and I suppose I should say something about this since it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. Um, Nicole Kidman is in it. Clearly making movies her kids can see…or that someone, somewhere might even want to see.
Project Almanac is down to number six, followed by The Imitation Game at number seven and that actually sounds like the title of a science fiction movie too, but it's just about real science.
IF YOU WANNA BE A STAR, GOTTA ACT LIKE ONE
The Wedding Ringer is down to number eight, but has more than doubled its budget, so while not a runaway hit, it ain't no failure either. Both Kevin Hart and Josh Gad have done better but Kaley Cucco needed it. Especially if she insists on hyphenating her famous maiden name with her less known rebound-married name. Courtney Cox did that for a hot second then realized her error and wound up dropping both it and the man it came from.
ONCE IS HAPPENSTANCE, TWICE IS COINCIDENCE, MORE THAN TIMES IS A CURSE!
Black or White is down to number nine and also in this is Oscar winner Octavia Spencer and while yes, the lack of change in her career is partly racial and partly sexist, I feel it's mostly the curse of Best Supporting Actress. I mean, seen Melissa Leo lately? Marcia Gay Harden? Rachel Weisz? Mo'Nique? Jennifer Hudson? It even took down Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta Jones after they won it. Tilda Swinton seems unaffected because she never gave a crap about mainstream success anyway, but Cate Blanchett is the only survivor of the last decade.
CRITICS DON'T PAY YOUR BILLS!
Finally, The Boy Next Door closes out the top ten at number ten. $30M from a $4M budget and JLo was also a producer. Make that money, girl.
Tags: American Sniper, Black or White, channing tatum, film reviews, Jeff Bridges, jennifer lopez, JLo, Josh Gad, Julianne Moore, Jupiter Ascending, Kaley Cucco, Kevin Costner, Kevin Hart, movie reviews, Nicole Kidman, Octavia Spencer, Paddington, Project Alamanac, Seventh Son, Speed Racer, The Boy Next Door, The Imitation Game, The Matrix, The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, The Wachowskis, The Wedding Ringer, weekend top ten box office, Weekend Top Ten Films, Weekend Top Ten Movies, YA Novels, Young Adult Novels