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PracPit Adult Science Fantasy
lnloft
I'm honestly still new to the whole Twitter thing in general, but I'm trying out a few things.
1) If Lara trusted the Coalition, she'd work for them as a pilot flying the void between the worlds. She'd know what to think when they tell her a captain went rogue + killed the other pilots. But if Lara doesn't fight with them, the captain might end the worlds.
2) Lara pilots her airship through the void between the worlds, scavenges in ancient ruins for lost artifacts, and always sticks her neck out for her tight-knit crew. Now she has to chase a military renegade through the void to prevent society's destruction.
3) Lara Kavarin flies her ship through the void between the worlds, seeking lost treasures. Amerlaine Silver wants to unleash the horrors of the void to destroy society. Outmatched, Lara must stop her, or else the worlds will become a living nightmare.
michaelmammayauthor
Okay...so in this one, we're right up my alley, me having read a lot of the new SF and Sci Fantasy books that have come out in the last couple years. #1 I don't know what's going on in the book. I don't know who Lara is or what she's doing now, since you open with an If statement. Her stakes are present...if she doesn't fight the captain might end the worlds...but both sides of that equation are really general...fight...fight what? where? How? and 'destroy the worlds' can fit any one of a thousand books. Can you give it something that makes it unique to yours? #2 is better, in that we know who Lara is. And we know what she has to do. Again, it comes off as kind of generic, but at least I've got an idea of what kind of book I'm getting into. But still there's nothing that jumps out and hooks me...it's still kind of generic...it's a rogue pilot/tight crew on a manhunt in space. But how many books does that apply to? Still quite a few. So what can you give us to make it yours? Also...we've got goal and stakes...but no obstacle. We don't really get a feel for what's in her way. #3 Is probably the best one. It has the elements we need, I think. But it is still leaving me a bit flat. There's nothing in it that screams out 'I'm special.' I think what's happening is you're burning a lot of words up front which isn't leaving enough to draw an exciting picture of the conflict. I could be wrong, but that's my gut. Can we shorten the first line to: A treasure-hunting pilot? That would give us more characters for the conflict. We could get to: A treasure-seeking pirate takes a job hunting a rogue military captain through the void. I'm not 100% sure that's what your book is about, but based on your three pitches, that's what I'm piecing together. I think I've captured the set-up while leaving you some space to give us detailed conflict/obstacle/stakes.
Michelle Keener, Author
Sounds like a space adventure, for sure! I agree with Michael that the premise and the stakes aren't really clear from any of these pitches. Really focus on the character and the conflict. We want a god understanding of who the main character is, the conflict she faces and what the stakes are.
I think your third pitch is definitely the strongest so far. I'm going to mess with a bit just to see what happens:
Treasure hunter Lara Kavarin flies her ship through the void between worlds. When she stumbles on (Government agent/rouge scientist, who is Amerlaine) Amerlaine Silver's plan to unleash the horrors of the void, Lara must stop her before her crew is (captured/murdered/turned into monsters) and the worlds are destroyed.
One quick note, I found the word "the" before worlds to be a little distracting. It seemed to interrupt the flow. If it is a title The Worlds, I would capitalize it.
Thanks for the feedback. I think one of the draws of my book is the setting. The void between the worlds is trippy, and functions in many ways like space travel, but the tech of the story is more based around the early 1900s (magic worlds-traversing ships aside). This book really falls right on the science fantasy line. There was one pitch I had come up with that was a bit more explicit on that count:
Steampunk meets space opera when the captain of a worlds-traversing airship must battle a military renegade in possession of a device that can destroy society.
I know that's definitely more vague about some other parts, but is this an angle you think is worth pursuing? I'll try to futz around with what I have and come back with a couple of others.
That's an interesting concept. I've seen similar things -- the steampunk/SF mashup of ships. The Winds of Marque is coming to mind (although that's a bit prior to steampunk...more like SF/meets 1850s pirates). And the concept of space travel as sailing is something that most SF agents will be familiar with. It's not common, but it's been done enough where you're not going to have to lay it out in detail. If the question is does a pitch that focuses mostly on setting have value? Maybe? Like if you're Essa Hansen and you've invented the coolest multi-verse concept that I've seen in years...maybe that alone would interest an agent enough to look at a query. For you? I think 'Steam-punk meets space opera' is enough for me to look at it and say 'yeah, I've got to see that' or 'no, that's not for me.' Which is really what you're trying to do with a pitch. So I guess that's a yes...I think that pitch works. Steampunk meets space opera when the captain of a worlds-traversing airship must battle a military renegade.... But maybe change 'can destroy society' into something more specific? Because I can destroy society by making people lose faith in an election. But that's not really what we're looking for in a space opera.
Mica Kole
I agree with Michael here that "can destroy society" is too vague but the rest is solid (both in this recent one and in #2 above).
As for #3, I think some word changes can leave you more room for detail:
Lara flies her ship through the void between the worlds, seeking lost treasures. But when an [adjective/noun pairing] threatens to unleash the nightmares of the void on society, Lara must stop her, despite...
#1 is confusingly constructed so it's my least favorite. But overall I'm very interested even as they currently are. I'll keep an eye out for revised versions and happily look them over once they're ready!
Wait, where did the time go? PitMad's in two days.
I don't quite know how my numbering works, so I'm just continuing the count.
#5 A treasure-seeking pilot takes a job hunting a rogue military captain through the void between the worlds. To succeed she must escape monsters and time loops & infiltrate the enemy base. Failure means those monsters are unleashed on the worlds.
#6 Steampunk meets space opera when the captain of a worlds-traversing airship must battle a military renegade in possession of a device that can unleash the creatures of the void. Time loops, a rebel crew, and the best warship stand in the way of saving the worlds.
[Not convinced about that second sentence...]
#7 Lara Kavarin flies her ship through the void between worlds, seeking lost treasures. Amerlaine Silver wants to loose the horrors of the void to destroy society. Only Lara can stop her, in a chase across the void, through time loops, and into Silver's base.
I'm not really sure why it never occurred to me to include the time loops before, considering they're interesting and important. Anyway, thank you for all the advice you've given thus far. It's greatly appreciated.
Here you go! Just slight rewrites for smoother sentences mostly.
#5 A treasure-seeking pilot takes a job hunting a rogue military captain through the void between worlds. To succeed, she must escape time loops & infiltrate the enemy base before the void's monsters are unleashed on the worlds.
#6 Steampunk meets space opera when Lara, the captain of a worlds-traversing airship, takes a job to battle a military renegade who's planning to unleash the creatures of the void between worlds. Time loops and [the world's best/a state-of-the-art] warship stand in her way.
#7 In search of lost treasures, Lara Kavarin flies her airship through the void between worlds... a place filled with horrors that Amerlaine Silver wants to set loose on society. To stop her, Lara must give chase across the void, through time loops, and into Silver's high-tech base. [can cut last names if you need more space]
My only nitpick is that Lara's emotional journey/character arc does not appear here. However, with all the rest you have going on, it might be better not to shoehorn that in too. Well done overall, and I'm guessing you'd draw interest even with no changes at all!
j.d.matthew
Ditto on the emotional journey. Sounds like a story I'd like, but stakes are necessarily personal. What stands in the way of your MC getting what she wants? What does she risk/what will she give up to overcome it?
Whoops, posted something here on accident and deleted it... not sure how that happened, sorry everyone :/
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