I couldn't find any support for LGBT Black dads like me, so I started my own group
Leon WenhamTuesday 27 Oct 2020 1:04 pm
I wanted him to grow up with a daddy who looked like him (Picture: Leon Wenham)
As my four-year old son chatted away to me, it was as if a lightbulb had gone off in his head.
He'd come home that day from nursery buzzing about the fact that he had a Black teacher that looked like him and me, his papa.
It was a conversation I'll never forget, as ever since I brought my son home, I wanted him to be aware of his heritage and culture.
As a Black single LGBT adopter, I know people must assume I've had to encounter lots of hurdles – but I really haven't.
In fact, it felt like it made the process even easier, as children of colour are crying out for parents like me to give them a forever home.
When I saw my son, Felix (not his real name), it really was love at first sight.
I'd initially had my mind set on a child under 18 months, but when I saw a picture of Felix, then four, on the database of children up for adoption in the UK, I just knew he was meant to be mine.
In an instant, I could visualise him in my home and in my mum's house, him giving his grandmother a cuddle.
In total, the whole process took about 12 months and by April 2019, Felix, now five, had moved in with me.
While I had obviously moved the goalposts when it came to having a child of his age, one thing I was certain of was that I wanted to adopt a Black or mixed race son.
as much as I was working hard to make sure that Felix didn't feel like the odd one out, some days it felt like I was
I wanted him to grow up with a daddy who looked like him, who knew the hurdles he might face because of his skin colour and could teach him about his history and our cultures as I obviously knew about it first-hand.
We live in London, so he's naturally surrounded by a lot of diversity, which was always really important for me.
When it came to choosing his school I made sure there was a mix of children from different backgrounds, as I felt it was so important that Felix saw other kids like himself wherever he went.
I remember heading to the school gates on the first day feeling quite nervous.
You hear so many things, especially about the cliques, so as an LGBT Black single dad I was anxious that I'd be left standing on my own, but it couldn't have been more different. Everyone has been lovely and we've since made some great friends.
Even so, it did highlight that as much as I was working hard to make sure that Felix didn't feel like the odd one out, some days it felt like I was.
I'd go online looking for support groups and while there were ones for single dads or LGBT dads, or Black dads, I couldn't find one that encompassed every aspect of my situation in one hit.
At first, I simply joined the ones that did exist and while they were great, it never felt like anyone truly understood my situation.
That's why I ended up setting up my own support group earlier this year.
I've always come from the belief that it takes a village to raise a child, so I decided to create a social media safe space for Black/dual heritage gay dads across the world called Black Gay Dads Global to share our unique experiences and offer support to each other.
As it's taken off, I finally feel I've found a true connection; it's like a brotherhood.
Knowing how much love Black parents have to give has also made me realise that more needs to be done to encourage people from my community to adopt
I've made friends with dads from America to Jamaica, and it's so nice to be able to share stories and parenting tips with people exactly in the same boat as me; they just get it.
It's also something that's become more vital than ever since the pandemic hit, as lockdown has been an isolating experience for parents everywhere.
Knowing how much love Black parents have to give has also made me realise that more needs to be done to encourage people from my community to adopt.
It's a massive issue at the moment, and has been for decades as they just aren't coming forward.
I think a lot of it is down to cultural blockages. The assessment process for adoption is incredibly intrusive, with so many questions about your life – from finances to relationships – and I think that a lot of Black people don't like that level of scrutiny, as culturally and traditionally we are super private within the family household.
There's also a lot of generational mistrust in the system, which I feel is really important to understand.
It may seem unfounded, but you look at the Windrush scandal and how people trusted the system, 'the mother country', only to get massively screwed over.
People were invited to help rebuild the country and were sold the dream of a lifetime, with many leaving their children and loved ones behind in the hope of a better life and opportunity.
It's also a tragedy that Black boys are the least likely to be adopted because of the connotations associated with young Black men
This reality was very different, and then you look at recent events and how the very same system was turning its back on them; this type of stuff has been happening for years.
On top of that, historically, there was a time in the 70s/80s when Black children were being taken away from their parents, or the family investigated by social workers because they believed they may have been subject to physical abuse.
In reality, the children simply had something called Mongolian spots (which are common amongst Black, Asian communities), a discolouration of the skin, almost like a birthmark, that was often wrongly mistaken for a bruising
It's also a tragedy that Black boys are the least likely to be adopted because of the connotations associated with young Black men.
That's why it's so important we need to talk more about this disparity and what can be done to change it.
It's something I'm now working on with Coram, having recently taken a job with them to sit on their adoption panel and help find the right families for vulnerable children.
I'm the first Black gay male single adopter in the UK to do so, but it's crucial that it's not just white middle class people making these decisions about Black and mixed race children; they need someone who has lived experience to help advise what a child might need.
People always ask if I'm going to adopt again and if I had more money and a live in nanny then the answer would definitely be yes! But it is hard on your own as a single parent.
Felix once asked me if I got married one day to a woman and he'd get a mummy. I explained that he has a mummy, who sadly wasn't able to care for him and keep him safe, which is why I became his daddy.
I also said that if I was to get married one day, it would be to a man so then it would mean he would get two daddies. He paused for a second, simply smiled and said, 'yay, then I'll get two daddies then', and just walked off, which was brilliant.
More: LGBT
Graham Norton says he finds it 'weird' gay men are 'expected' to have children
Woman, 25, shot dead on Christmas Day 'for being transgender'
I know there will be days when someone in the playground might ask him where his mum is or why he only has one daddy or two daddies, but I think as long as every parent is open about these sort of conversations and help normalise love as simply being love, no matter who your partner is, then we can only move forward.
Before Felix came to me he'd lived in five different homes by the time he reached four. It's such an honour to know I've given him his sixth and final home.
Seeing this amazing little man change, grow and learn every day is the most wonderful feeling – and knowing I'm helping him do that without compromising his heritage and identity is even more of a privilege.
Leon is currently working on a picture book for children encouraging open conversations around adoption and normalising diversity from a young age. You can find out more about it here.
MORE : What it's like becoming a single mum by adoption during lockdown
MORE : As a transracial adoptee I was made to feel as though I should be grateful for coming to the West
MORE : How to adopt in the UK if you are LGBTQ+
Adoption Month
Adoption Month is a month-long series covering all aspects of adoption.
For the next four weeks, which includes National Adoption Week from October 14-19, we will be speaking to people who have been affected by adoption in some way, from those who chose to welcome someone else's child into their family to others who were that child.
We'll also be talking to experts in the field and answering as many questions as possible associated with adoption, as well as offering invaluable advice along the way.
If you have a story to tell or want to share any of your own advice please do get in touch at adoptionstories@metro.co.uk.
Here is a selection of the stories from Adoption Month so far:
Why we're talking about adoption this month
How to adopt a child – from how long it takes to how you can prepare
The most Googled questions on adoption, answered
How long does it take to adopt a child in the UK
Adoption myths that could be stopping you from starting a family
How to tell your child they are adopted
Visit our Adoption Month page for more.
AdoptionAdoption MonthLGBT
Adopting a child abroad was the best decision of our lives