Cracked Round-Up: Hot Pants Holiday Edition
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It's casual dress week, here at Cracked. You'd expect that to mean a flood of sweat pants, track suits, jeans and pajamas. But we Internet comedy writers are a classier breed. We follow the latest fashion trends and today- right now- there is no hotter butt covering than Cracked-branded hot pants. They'll make your package swell and give you the ass of toned Brazilian model. Plus, every pair comes with a free set of trauma shears to cut yourself out with at the end of the day.
The comments section of any given Cracked article is evidence that people + the Internet = a typhoon of raging assholes. No where is this better illustrated than online gaming, as Luke McKinney shows us. Next, Soren Bowie took some time out of his busy schedule to educate the kids about the dangers of sex. And to pick up an interesting new note in his arrest record. Christina walked us through the most disappointing scandals of the modern world, while Bucholz mused on J.K. Rowling's next doomed Harry Potter project. Which will likely still net her billions of dollars and a back-up castle. John Cheese fulfilled his community service obligation with this write-up of realistic anger-management tips for the Internet, and Dan O'Brien closed us off with a story about the time he (accidentally) picked up a prostitute.
The round-up team speaks for the entire office when we say, "Suuuuure, Daniel. Sure."
The 6 Most Wildly Irresponsible Publicity Stunts in History
If you think THESE are bad, just wait until the first time some fool trusts Cracked with a budget to promote...anything, really. We'll use the same amount of explosives and psychedelics regardless.
Notable Comment: "Shouldn't we be trying to rehabilitate the elephant so it can re-enter society as a changed pachyderm?"
Yeah right, VanceofPants, not with Barack "elephant-hating" Obama in the White House.
THANKS, NERDS!
5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense than the Movie
At this point, any potential Star Wars prequel that doesn't involve Jar-Jar Binks or George Lucas's writing sounds like a stroke of genius.
Notable Comment: "What the f**k is this s**t? WHY THE f**k do you post spoilers in the title, why not just write the name of the f**king movie, how the f**k is some one supposed to know whats coming up on the list. I was reading Harry Potter and wanted to finish it and now you just f**king spoilt it for me. This is f**king bulls**t. REMOVE SPOILERS FROM THE f**kING TITLE......"
We have another spoiler for you, [balamshir]. Neo is secret robot Jesus. Seriously man, it's been more than a decade. And also, the title doesn't spoil anything.
FAMOUS HACKS
10 Movies That Famous People Don't Want You To See
To be fair, nobody wants to see most of these movies.
Notable Comment:"KISS released the European Version of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park on their Kissology Volume II dvd set, so it seems they've made peace with people seeing it."
Actually, JeremyWheeler, it's more likely that KISS finally made peace with the idea of charging people to see it.
OUR SCARY PAST
6 Beloved 80s Toys With Bizarrely Horrifying Origin Stories
Apparently, Steven King used to moonlight writing the backstories for children's toy lines.
Notable Comment:"Back then I would have punched Skeletor in the nuts to get a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. I had 3 and they were awesome as hell."
Skeletor doesn't have nuts, Unicornsandglitter. He has nut-bones.
NATURE'S FIST
5 Acts of Nature that Rearranged the Face of the Planet
Sure, nukes are scary and all. But Mother Nature has access to way, way worse shit in her angriest, drunkest rages.
Notable Comment: "Um, assuming it's *not* a vagina (it really does look like one) it kinda looks like an anesthesia mask."
Buhbyebirdie, it actually looks even less like an anesthesia mask than it looks like a vagina. And it doesn't look like a vagina.
Agents of Cracked
Agents of Cracked: Why You Can't Trust Eye-Witness Testimony
Stuart really takes a lot of shit around here.
20 Video Game Characters (Before They Were Famous)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How Famous Fictional Characters Will Eventually Die, If The Modern World Still Used Medieval Technology and If Flag Designs Were More Awesome.