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The bathroom was in the middle of the cabin, and the walls were paper-thin, and everyone could hear everything.
By Nicole Rupersburg
Hi. My name is Nicole Rupersburg, and I am pee-shy.
Like, when I'm with a group of women, and I need to sneak off to the bathroom, I wise-crack something like, "Peeing is not a group sport," because I decided not to be ashamed of this, and I do not need them coming with me. I just decided to confront the problem head-on, announcing it to whoever is within earshot — in the hopes that they might understand this burden that I carry with me every single day of my life.
When I'm out at a bar with a group of friends, they'll understand that the reason why I've gone to the bathroom no fewer than seven times in the last hour, looking increasingly frustrated with each return, is that I can't relieve myself when other people are in the bathroom when there are hordes of women screaming about their OMG dramas while fixing their makeup in the bathroom. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
And that when I leave suddenly and without informing anyone of my departure, they'll know that it's because I had to physically leave the property to seek out an alternative bathroom elsewhere, like a nearby In-N-Out Burger, a quiet hotel lobby, or really just anywhere with private-ish, single bathrooms.
It's also with the hope that when I absolutely insist we leave a concert or game that they'll have some sympathy for me in knowing that I tried to pee — I really and truly TRIED — but the crowded restrooms with loud drunk women within inches of me were simply too much for my shy bladder to overcome, no matter how much I plugged my ears and hummed to myself.
Or when I'm at a music festival (Porta-potties are a big NO, because it's claustrophobic, and you can hear all the people waiting to get in it outside) and have to beg a hair salon half a mile away to let me use their restroom after telling my friends I'm going to "walk around and check things out," which they should damn sure by now know is code for "I have to pee and I'm freaking out because my bladder is obviously going to explode and I am going to die." Even if it means missing a band I really wanted to see, because I know all the crowds will be at the stage, significantly increasing the odds of my having a successful trip to the bathroom.
It's important for my friends to know this so that when I nurse one drink over five hours, they don't give me any shit for it. It's also important for them to know why the thought of tailgating strikes a fear in my heart more profound than the thought of my own mortality. And it's the reason I avoid parties and events with questionable/unknown facilities.
It is also the reason I absolutely do not spend more than an hour at a time on a boat. (And no, I can't just pee in the water. This is a public pee-shy problem. I would like to "just" pee in the water – believe me, I really would.)
And it doesn't stop there. Claustrophobia-inducing spaces and a sensation of movement are also no-pee zones for me. Which means I will not allow myself to drink anything for several hours before or during an international flight, pushing myself to the point of dehydration so as to not have to pee during the nine-hour flight.
Once I was stuck on a flight and had to pee so bad by the end of it that I was in tears trying to push past people disembarking (who were instantly angry with me and cussing me out). I made four trips to the restroom on that flight without luck, despite how much pain I was in.
I was also recently sharing a cabin with seven other people and — OMG — one bathroom. This bathroom was in the middle of the cabin, sharing walls with the kitchen, a bedroom, and both of the main living spaces. The walls were paper-thin, and everyone could hear everything.
I actually thought I was going to die, that this was it for me, that I was just going to have to accept the fact that my bladder was going to rupture and urine would pour into my abdomen and the closest hospital was too far away to get me there in time before it killed me and that was seriously going to be the way that I died and I just would have to make peace with it.
Luckily, there was a lodge nearby, which was also the only source of Wi-Fi, which meant I was taking a whole lot of trips over there "for Wi-Fi."
And as for dating, spending the night at some new guy's house and having to pee in the middle of the night? HA! This is a situation I have learned to avoid with skillful mastery, up to — and including — the fail-safe, "I'll just never date anyone ever." (It works!)
This is my life. This is my life every single day. So, next time you're in the bathroom just yammering away on your cell phone — People actually do this! — and you notice someone has been in a stall for a looooooooong time, get the fuck out.
I can't "fix" my problem without fixing my anxiety issues and, oh lord, that's gonna require some serious witchcraft. But I can try to raise awareness of this relatively unknown and extremely misunderstood condition.
We are the pee-shy of the world. We're here, and we can't pee. Please get away from us.
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