By sissica - United States
Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML
Late term
Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML
By beurk - France - Paris
Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML
Today, the workplace evacuation bell sounded. Out of panic after the recent earthquake, I ran down 21 flights of stairs, only to find out it was a false alarm. My legs are on fire, and I can barely walk. FML
By uglychick - Canada
Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML
Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML
By stranded - United States
Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML
Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield
Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML
Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML
By Marty - United States
Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML
By techiefIve - United States
Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML
By Anonymous - United States - Garland
Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML
By Maddy - United States
Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML
By kady - United States
Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Bisbee
Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML
Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML
By roommateprobssss:( - United States
Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML
By oldlady - United States
Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML
By androidjezus
Halloween, the long wait
Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It's now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML
By DirtyCharmed - United States
Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML
Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML
By Krit - United States
Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML
By pervert - United States
Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML
By OneGirlsLife - United States - Spartanburg
Today, it was supposed to be my birthday dinner with two of my friends. They're both now bringing their boyfriends, so I get to be the fifth wheel to my own birthday dinner. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Oakland
Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML
By ohnoooooo - United Kingdom
Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML
By CUNTCUNTCUNT - Australia - Slacks Creek
Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML
By Anonymous - Switzerland
Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML
By peepeepainter - United States - Jasper
Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML
By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00
Marriage (Dress) Story
Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML
By brokeandsingle - United Kingdom
Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML
By UncleMonkey - United States - Santa Cruz
Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML
What goes up…
Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn't stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she's probably never going to speak to us again. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
By help me - United States - West Hartford
Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML
By alyssaamarante - United States - East Northport
Today, I decided to go thrifting to save some money. Ironically, I ended up having to pay for an emergency trip to the hospital because somebody was too lazy to wash the cat hair off their clothes. I'm severely allergic to cats. FML
By EmbarrassedChild - United States
Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML
By Anonymous - Australia - Edgecliff
Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML
By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church
Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML
By sweet - United States
Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML
By katieatieay | 0
#1475 - Thursday 12 February 2009 4:26
if someone said that to me, it would really just make me want to fuck him even more. i'm not lying or being sarcastic.
relax for heavens sake, it's not like he said he'll never have sex with you again. he's not in the mood. just make him some fucking hot chocolate.
By johnburke | 0
Haha wow, that was priceless. I'd never do that to a woman
By VivaLaJewFace | 0
Rofl.... suckage.
mrfuzzywiggles | 11
#5722702 - Sunday 20 October 2013 0:06
Did you at least make him some damn hot chocolate?
xixifwadi | 0
#3642723 - Saturday 26 November 2011 16:13
Am I the only one who thought the guy was in the stilettos?...
imnutsss | 0
#3722105 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:48
Haha no dude, I read it too fast and thought the same thing..
By X_fml | 0
OMG! similar thing happend to me :/ how came that ALL man are so insensitive? i totally know your feeling... you need to talk (complain) to him
...unless you 2 had fun later with the chocolat lol
iampunk | 0
#1642627 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:15
You're a fucking idiot. Refer to 2's comment because you're not worth the explanation.
arin2009 | 0
#3355900 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:59
Lol he wanted kinky hot chocolate !!!
googlefrewdnoob | 0
#3375141 - Sunday 2 October 2011 6:08
So, if you don't want sex because you're tired, it's fine but if we're tired, were wrong and insensitive, I don't use this term often but you are a "stupid bitch"
By gamegoes4life | 0
you need to check where your balls are if as a man you got a woman in your kitchen naked asking for sex...time to man up and appreciate what you got
Brittaneyyy | 0
#2997634 - Saturday 30 July 2011 1:53
I agree with u I get not wanting sex all the time but at least age was making an effort to initiate it so it could of been sweet or romantic unless he was just turned off that she was taking control I know some guys are like that
CoGhostRider | 31
#6084039 - Wednesday 8 October 2014 1:56
Now as a man I do love sex but, if I came home to this I would not want it to be over quickly so I would ask for something too. After all what good is a fantasy if you end it before you've experienced it.
By whatwhat | 0
at least he didn't ask you to make him a sandwich
By beenonthatside | 0
seriously i wouldnt look too deeply into it. could have been stress. There's times when I come home from work and my boyfriend wants it and i'm too tired...or too worried etc...and just feel like i got too much on my proverbial plate to feel sexy. next time bring him some cocoa and suggest maybe a hot bath or a backrub....couldnt hurt right?
By TBR | 0
Frankly i can understand why he would be exhausted, but i find it unlikely i would pass that up. My advice is keep it up he will either respond or he wont but that is him not you.
noeyolivia | 0
#2194331 - Thursday 17 March 2011 14:51
fsaskid | 0
Yeah TBR you'd show her who was boss, you filthy love machine!
By csigabajnok | 0
#1543 - Thursday 12 February 2009 10:13
maybe he just doesn't like stilettos...
By arms_akimbo | 0
man, if my gf did that I'd be out of my clothes so fast you'd swear I was deathly allergic to them.