Author: Pip's Sister/Ms. Marvel 1
Fandom: Clerks
Pairing: Randal Graves/Dante Hicks
Rating: R for language and squick factor (male pregnancy)
Archive: Yes, but please tell me first.
E-Mail: felicitypirrip@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, Jay, Silent Bob, Bethany Sloane, Brodie Bruce and Rene Mosier are all property of Kevin Smith and the View Askewniverse. "You Don't Love Me Anymore" is property of "Weird Al" Yankovic. Related comic book characters are property of DC and Marvel Comics. They are used without permission for non-profit purposes. The babies, customers and medical personnel are all mine. You could use them, I guess, but… why?
Notes: Yes, you read the title right. This is a male pregnancy fic. But it's a FUNNY male pregnancy fic. No really! I swear. Would I lie to you? Well, at the risk of sounding bigheaded, I think it's kind of funny, anyway. Oh and yeah, this is slash. If you want to flame for that… well, whatever. Don't do much good, though.
Acknowledgments: This one is for Chas, who, against her better judgment, persuaded me that this wasn't a completely stupid idea.
~*~*~
Every day it's the same damn thing.
"Thank you and have a nice day," Dante said as he handed the change and receipt to what felt like the zillionth customer today. He sighed and checked his watch. 11:30. That meant…
A bell rang once, twice as Randal opened and closed the door. He wrangled up to the counter and immediately picked up a porno mag. "Here until closing again?"
"What else?" Dante said. "And let me guess. You haven't opened the video store yet either."
"Nope." Randal flipped through the magazine, finally stopping when he reached an interview with Barbara Bush's vagina. "A man who has achieved the level of fame that I will reach in exactly nine months has little need for such inconveniences."
Dante rolled his eyes as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "What fame would that be? The closest you've ever been to fame was when you made the paper for mooning Bruce Springsteen when you were sixteen."
"Wow, that takes me back… but no. I'm going to be in the Guinness Book of World Records."
"Oh yeah? You finally managed to create the hundredth-stuff Oreo?"
"Nope, even better."
"Sticking clothespins on your face?"
"What kind of moron do you think I am?"
"Don't make me answer that question." Dante took a sip of his coffee.
"I'm pregnant."
"Ha-ha. Good one."
Randal looked up from his magazine. "No. I mean it. I'm pregnant."
"Very funny."
"Dante," Randal looked right in his best friend's eyes. "I'm pregnant."
Dante just stared back at Randal, his mouth still full from the coffee he'd been drinking. He looked at the coffee, then back at Randal. Then he bent over and spat the coffee into the garbage can.
"Wow, I seem to be getting that reaction a lot."
Dante popped his head above the counter. "You're pregnant?"
Randal shook his head. "No, I only said it five times," he said sarcastically.
"H-How can you be pregnant? You're a guy! Guys don't get pregnant."
"They do now," Randal smiled and turned back to the interview. "In fact, in nine months I'm going to be the first man to give birth. Cool, huh?"
"Cool?" Dante rubbed his eyes. "Do you even know what the hell they did to you?"
"Uh… something about taking my semen and combining it with some random chick's egg. Then they put it on the lining of my… something. I don't know. The doctor explained it better."
"Randal, don't you know how dangerous that is? What if your body rejects the baby? What if you can't carry the weight? How can you afford the baby, anyway?"
"Well, first off, I'm taking drugs so I won't. About the weight thing, yeah, I may need a wheelchair, but I'm sure you'll take me into work."
"And third, they're giving me ten grand for doing this."
Dante's mouth dropped open.
"Yep. This is whole big experiment by Jersey Shore Medical. I give birth to a baby, I get ten grand. Cool, huh?"
"Ten grand…" Dante murmured. "Ten grand and you should take a cab to work." Dante felt the room spin.
Randal turned one of the pages in the magazine. "Yeah, but I bet you'd like to see the baby's progress every day so-" Crash! Randal blinked. "Dante?" He looked over the counter and saw Dante sprawled across the floor. Randal shrugged. "I guess the strain of work is getting to him."
He made a move to leap over the counter and pick Dante off the floor when he heard the door open and close.
"Fuckin' sweet, Silent Bob. My favorite day of the month: new magazine day!" Jay strode over to the newsstand counter, Silent Bob not far behind. Jay's head bent down as he reached into his pocket, digging for change. "Okay, now I want some Playboy, copy of Hustler. Then I want…"
As Jay continued to search and run off the shopping list, Silent Bob peered over the counter. His eyes widened. He tapped Jay on the shoulder.
"Actually, give me two of that one. I got a friend of mine who wants to get-" Another tap. "Knock it off! What the hell do you-?"
Silent Bob pointed over the counter. Jay looked.
"Holy shit. What's that fucking faggot doing on the floor?"
"Eh, he's just being a drama queen," said Randal. "I tell him a little thing like 'I'm having a baby' and he flips. I tell you, when you know a guy as long as I have, you'd think you'd be able to tell them anything, but-"
"Woah, stop right there. You're going to have a baby?"
Jay threw a glance at Silent Bob. They both smiled.
"Fucking sweet man," Jay held out his hand and Randal shook it. "You knocked up a chick, huh? Dude, we got to celebrate. Silent Bob, get the man a beer."
Silent Bob headed towards the refrigerators, but Randal pulled him back by his jacket before he got very far. "Hold up there, Bob. Thanks, but no thanks."
Bob looked at him in confusion.
"Yeah, what's wrong with you?" Jay added. "Your lady's carrying your kid and you ain't lighting up? What's up with that? You ain't buying into that 'responsibility…'" Jay wiggled his first two fingers on each hand. "…bullshit are you?"
"Not at all, my friend. But eh, I don't think Shore Medical would be happy if I delivered an FAS kid."
"Shit, man! You're being the doctor?"
"Nope. I'm having the baby."
"No shit, fucking Sherlock. You just told me that."
Randal shook his head. "You don't get it, Jay. I'm pregnant."
"I get that, dipshit. I just don't-"
"I'm the one giving birth to the baby."
Silent Bob's mouth dropped open and for once, Jay was speechless too. Of course, that moment didn't last very long.
"Ew, you sick bastard! You're pregnant? How the fuck can you be pregnant?"
Randal sighed. "You know, if I had a nickel every time somebody asked me that question…"
A moan was heard before Randal could finish. A hand grasped the counter as Dante shakily pulled himself off the ground.
"Have a nice nap?" asked Randal.
"Oh yeah," Dante frowned. "I just slammed my head on hard tile floor and my neck feels like it's been twisted. I had a nice nap, Randal."
"Why are you so bitter? I mean, Jesus. A little thing like me getting ten grand…"
"Woah, woah! Why the hell are you getting ten grand?" asked Jay.
"Jersey Shore Med Center's paying him ten grand for this stupidity."
"Ten fucking grand for getting pregnant?"
"Yep," nodded Randal.
"Woah… ten fucking grand…" Jay looked at Silent Bob and smiled. Silent Bob's eyes widened. He shook his head fiercely.
"Aw, come on. Ten grand."
Silent Bob shook his head again and headed for the door.
"But Lunchbox, you'd make a great father…"
Dante groaned as the door closed behind Jay. "Now look what you've done, Randal!"
"What do you mean 'What?' Who knows what they're going to do now?"
"Eh, he'll probably smoke some weed and forget about it by morning."
Dante rubbed his eyes. "I don't understand how you can be so casual about this. You're fucking pregnant."
"Well, my friend. When you're as rich as I am, let's just say you start putting things into perspective. Do I want to live my life with pride and dignity or do I want to be rich? I want to be rich…" Randal suddenly gagged. "Hey…" he said hoarsely. "Pass me that trash can, wouldja?"
Dante picked up the can beneath the counter. "What? This-"
Randal snatched it.
"-one?" Dante flinched as Randal gagged and vomited into the can.
He handed it back to Dante. "Thanks, pal."
Dante covered his nose and groaned, wishing for the first time that his life really was the "same old damn thing."
Maybe he was crazy. Yeah, maybe that was it. Maybe he was locked up in some mental institution somewhere and this was all a figment of his warped, disturbed imagination.
"See here, I figure that if you give someone a whole fucking lot of one thing it blows the shit out of any so-called 'law of nature.'" Jay broke up the last bits of his fertility drugs and poured them into a slurpee. "Hey, Silent Bob!" he called out as he left the store. "I got another 'special drink' for you, bitch."
Dante sighed as he heard Silent Bob's shoes slap the pavement as he ran down the street, Jay calling after him. This had been going on for the last two months.
The Matrix. That was it. He was living in the fucking Matrix. But instead of putting up with Keanu Reeves' bad acting, he had to put up with…
Right on schedule, Randal entered. "Did you get the stuff for me?"
"I hid the ice cream and pickles in the back. And yes, I got your favorite, cookie dough and half-sour."
"Thank you." Randal said and headed off to the fridge.
"How can you eat that shit, anyway?" Dante asked as Randal came back and sat on the counter, ice cream and pickles in tow.
Randal shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just thankful I'm not eating chalk or something."
Dante sighed and rested his head on the counter. "Randal, do you know that we have drug dealers outside trying to fertilize each other with spiked slurpees?"
"Are you still blaming me for that?"
"Well yes, seeing as you're the one who planted the idea in their heads with this ridiculous fiasco."
"Ten grand, Dante…"
"I know. I know, but…" Dante rubbed his eyes. "Aren't you even slightly creeped out that you're a guy and you're pregnant?"
"Hey…" Randal held up a tabloid with a dark-haired woman cuddling a baby which bore an odd resemblance to Alanis Morisette. He pointed to the caption. "See that? 'Woman with Damaged Uterus has Virgin Birth.' If she can have a baby, I can have one too."
"Well, I guess, but…"
"But what? What are you so up in arms about, anyway? Do you think I won't be a good father or something?"
"Well, you did sell cigarettes to a little kid…"
"You're such a pessimist…" Randal dipped a new pickle into the ice cream. "Hey, what does this remind you of?"
Dante rolled his eyes.
"Come on," Randal waved the ice-cream covered pickle up and down. "You know you want it."
With that, Dante locked the register and walked to the door. "All right, get out. I'm locking the store for an hour."
"What? Why?"
"I'm going for a walk. I'm going to take a long, hard, look at the insanity that's become my life."
"Oh yeah? I'll go with you. The doctor says low-impact exercise is good for the baby."
Matrix. Definitely the Matrix.
"Are you really serious about this?"
Randal looked up from his magazine. "What are you talking about?"
"About this baby thing."
Randal sighed. "What's wrong now?"
"Something about this doesn't seem right. Are you really sure you have a baby in you?"
"Dante, I've been puking up my guts and eating sick, disgusting food for four months. Yes, I'm sure."
"I'm just saying that you could just be acting that way because you think you're pregnant. Like a placebo effect. You're just imitating the way women behave when they're pregnant…"
"I cried at Not Another Teen Movie."
Dante blinked. "… What?"
"You heard me, I cried at Not Another Teen Movie."
"Because it was so bad?"
Randal shook his head.
Dante looked around. "I'll be right back." With that, Dante ran to the bathroom. By the time the door closed, he was laughing hysterically. Randal just sighed and turned back to the magazine. Finally, Dante came out of the bathroom, hand clamped over his mouth as he continued to try not to laugh.
Randal rolled his eyes. "Now do you believe me?"
"Heh-heh-heh…" Dante's face turned serious. "No."
Randal sighed. "Oh, Jesus Christ." He grabbed Dante's hand and placed it on his stomach.
"What are you-" Dante's stomach leaped into his throat when he felt something move under his hand. "Jesus Christ! What the fuck is that?"
Randal smiled.
"There really is something in there."
"Wow…" Dante rubbed his eyes with his free hand. "Does… Does it hurt?"
"Nah. They have me so doped up on painkillers that I could drop a brick on my foot and not feel it."
"Can I test the theory?"
"Can I break your head open?"
Dante laughed. "God, this is weird."
"You're telling me. Oh hey," Randal picked Dante's hand off his stomach for a moment. "It's over here now. Let me just…"
Dante was staring at their hands. Randal blinked. "Oh, um…"
The door opened. Dante and Randal immediately edged away from each other.
Silent Bob was casting waves of disbelief loud enough to be heard in China. Jay just shook his head. "I fucking knew it. Hey, can you tell us where the nearest health food store is? The slurpees ain't been working, so we're gonna get Fatass here a fertility shake."
Silent Bob groaned and waved his hands in refusal.
"Oh come on, Lunchbox." Jay moved towards Silent Bob and attempted to hump him. "Making babies, huh? Snoochie-Boochies."
Silent Bob turned to the door.
"Aw, Bob. I know you want ten grand, too."
With that, the duo left as soon as they had come. Randal coughed. "Hey, Dante…"
Dante turned away. "Um, maybe you better get back to the video store."
Randal blinked. The color in his face changed a bit. "Oh…" he said. "Well, okay."
Dante's insides did a flip-flop as Randal left. Just what was that all about, anyway?
Silent Bob stood in front of the Quick Stop, his eyes locked on the sky. What a lovely day it was! The sun was shining, the birds were singing…
"Hey, Lunchbox!"
Oh no. Silent Bob saw Jay coming up the street, six-pack in hand. He started to run.
"Woah. Shit, man. Don't run away."
Silent Bob shook his head and curved his arms above his stomach.
"No, I'm not trying to get you pregnant."
Silent Bob's eyes narrowed.
"No, really. I'm not." Jay held up the six-pack. "See? I didn't open any of this shit. No baby drugs or nothing."
Bob wasn't convinced.
"Aw, come on. Look, I thought about it and I decided this whole idea was fucking stupid. So, as a token of my, uh… apology or some shit, I bought you a six-pack of beer. Okay?"
Bob still looked a bit suspicious. He held up two fingers, placed them to his chest, and then held them up again.
"What? You want me to promise?"
Silent Bob nodded.
"Okay fine. I promise. No more baby drugs or nothin.' Now why don't you have a beer?" Jay pulled a can off from the plastic and handed it to Bob.
Silent Bob looked at Jay, then at the can. He tapped the side and nodded. Then he opened it and looked inside. Seemed normal. He poured a drop on his finger and licked it off. Tasted normal, too. Silent Bob nodded and began to drink.
"See, told you it was fine."
Silent Bob nodded again. He was right.
"Yeah, you fucking believe me now."
Silent Bob held out a can to Jay.
"No, no. I'm good. It's all for you."
What? Silent Bob's eyes widened.
"Yes, really. Go on, fuck yourself up, fatass."
Happy at this new information, Silent Bob eagerly drank up. Meanwhile, Randal, now sitting in a wheelchair and slightly fatter quickly rolled himself out of the video store and, after locking it, in the direction of the Quick Stop.
"Damn, it's hot out here…" he murmured. Then he entered the store. Ah, that was better. Much cooler. Then he took a look at Dante. To his ire, his best friend was dressed in a fur-lined parka. Randal sighed. "Aw, come on. It's not that bad, is it?"
"Hey, give me a bit of a break. I am disabled, after all. I need benefits. Speaking of which, you got any French fries and honey?"
Dante shook his head and handed him the fries he'd brought from Mooby's. "You know where to find the honey. And I think what's disabled is your head."
"Why? Because I'm pregnant?" Randal wheeled down aisle three.
"Actually, it's because you're making me wear a fucking parka in the middle of spring, but that's a part of it."
"You know, I thought you would have gotten over it by now…" Randal picked a bottle of honey off the shelves.
"I'm still cold, Randal."
"Not that, dumbass. I-"
A customer walked up to the register. "One second," interrupted Dante. He took the money from the customer, who immediately shot him a glare.
"Do you know how fucking cold it is in here?"
"Why the hell is it so cold? It's the middle of spring!"
Dante pointed to Randal. "He's pregnant."
The customer looked at Randal. Randal waved back and ate another French fry. The customer turned back to Dante and scowled. "I'm gonna have you fired!"
"Eh, go ahead," said Randal. "He hates it here, anyway."
"Randal!"
"What? You do!"
"Oh, screw you both!" The customer stormed off, leaving the store empty.
"Hey, I'm disabled here!" The door slammed shut. "Jerk."
Dante threw up his hands. "Randal, I could lose my job over that!"
"Nah. I get that thing two, three times a week. Anyway, like I was saying, I still can't believe you're not over me being pregnant. Ever since you felt the baby…"
Dante shuddered. "Can we not talk about that?"
"Oh, what? Just because I held your hand you're going to develop some kind of complex. Christ. Like I didn't see that fucking Kate Winslet, put-your-hands-on-me-Jack look in your eye."
"I didn't look like that."
"Sure you did. Now what's wrong, Dante?" An evil grin appeared on Randal's face. "Don't you find me attractive anymore?"
"Oh God…" Dante slapped his forehead. "Randal, you know I'm not gay. That moment was just… just…"
"Just what?" Randal wheeled back to the counter. "I mean, come on, if porn and stupid chick flicks have taught me anything, it's that people don't look at each other that way just because they're 'caught up in the moment.'"
Dante sighed. "Look, I'd really rather not talk about it."
Randal paused. "Is that why you're not looking at me?"
"Shut up, Randal."
"Can you look at me for a minute?"
"I've seen you before. You're the pregnant guy in the wheelchair."
"Fine," Dante looked at Randal. "There. I see you. Hello, Randal. Are you happy n-?"
Dante nearly choked as Randal pulled Dante's face towards his own. His lips covered Dante's. His tongue delved into Dante's mouth.
The kiss ended. Dante could barely say or think a thing. He hadn't been this surprised since Randal told him he was pregnant. Finally, he managed something.
Randal just smiled. Then Dante kissed him this time.
A short time later, the sign on the Quick Stop door changed from "Open" to "Closed." Jay just smirked and looked at Silent Bob, who'd just finished the six-pack.
"Good and drunk now, Lunchbox?"
Bob nodded deliberately.
"Fuckin' A." Jay turned on his radio, which immediately played romantic music.
"We've been together for so very long," it sang. "But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong…"
"You know, Silent Bob…" Jay moved a bit closer to his friend. "I think you and me, like, have reached the point in our relationship where we can tell each other everything and shit, right?"
Silent Bob shrugged.
"Cool. So, I'll tell you this as a friend. I think you're pretty damn hot."
Bob stared. Oh shit.
"The passion has gone and the flames died down," sang the radio.
"No, seriously. You're fucking cute. You got a great ass. Great hips," Jay bent over and whispered in Bob's ear. "We can make a lot of fucking money-er, kids! Kids! Kids with those hips!" Jay winced as he felt Silent Bob's hand slap across his face.
"You used to think I was nice, now you tell all your friends that I'm the Anti-Christ…"
"Aw, come on!" Jay protested as Silent Bob ran down the street for the fifth time today. "I want ten grand! Can't we just try once? Fucking please!"
"If you want ten grand," Bob yelled back, "play the lottery. I'm not getting pregnant!"
"Aw, but Silent Bob…"
Meanwhile, the store remained closed. People came by, but they left soon after. They heard the sounds and, well, they really weren't interested in seeing what was inside…
"Got a funny feeling, you don't love me anymore…"
A few months had passed. Summer had come and with it the temperature in RST Video dropped from "arctic" to "death on impact." Of course, this was much to the displeasure of the customers.
"Do you know how cold it is in here?"
"Yep," nodded Randal. "Beautiful, isn't it?"
"I'm fucking freezing!"
"Well, I'm fucking pregnant. You don't hear me complaining."
The customer slammed his tapes down on the counter. "You know what? Fuck you, you wiseass. I'm never coming here again."
"You won't be missed," Randal muttered as the customer stormed off in a rage. Soon after he was gone, the door opened again. Randal blinked. "Dante?"
"Hi," Dante pulled on his parka over his T-shirt and jeans.
"What the hell are you doing over here? You never come over here. What is this? The mirrorverse?"
"Well, if men can get pregnant and we can be lovers, then yes, this is the mirrorverse."
"Touché. Anyway, why are you over here? Even if this is the mirrorverse, I'd doubt you'd break store violations for a friendly chat."
"You have to come over to the Quick Stop."
Randal shook his head. "Now I know this is the mirrorverse."
"No, I'm serious. There's something going on that you have to see."
"Well, okay…"
Randal wheeled himself out from behind the counter, but Dante was impatient, pushing Randal outside ("I hate how hot it is out here…") and down to the Quick Stop.
"Come on, come on…" Dante urged.
"I'm trying! You think I want to be in this fucking heat? What's got you so excited, anyway?"
"You'll see." Dante opened the door, and-
"Snootchie bootchies!" Jay threw up confetti (that looked suspiciously like joint papers) and Silent Bob blew a kazoo. There was a table of presents wrapped in tinfoil and tied with string. Balloons reading "Happy Baby Shower!" floated around the room.
Randal blinked. "What the hell?"
"Congratulations," said Dante. He kissed Randal on the cheek.
"Wow…" Randal said. "You guys didn't have to do all this."
"Eh, it's okay," said Jay. "Besides, your fatass boyfriend said I could get free slurpees."
Silent Bob nearly bowled over, and then shot an angry glance at Dante. The latter just shrugged.
"Besides, I want to get Silent Bob into the spirit. Give way to his paternal instincts and shit."
Silent Bob rocked his arms back and forth like he was holding a baby. He shook his head.
Randal shrugged. "Well, good luck."
"Come on," said Dante. "Open your presents."
Silent Bob handed Randal a short, fat one which he immediately began to open. Randal turned to Dante.
"You know, I've been thinking about this for a bit," said Randal. "Would you… would you like to be the other Dad?"
Dante started. "Be the… oh, I don't know…"
"Why not? You know, I'm buying a house when I get the ten grand. You can move out. Live with me. Raise the kid."
"Come on, you have everything to gain-oh! A baby monitor. Cool." Silent Bob handed him another. Randal picked up his argument. "And besides, don't you always complain about how your life's so meaningless? I hear being a Dad is pretty meaningful."
"All right! Darth Vader bibs." Next present. "Come on, Dante. What's the hold up?"
"I'm not really sure I could be a good father."
"Aw, come on," said Jay. "Think Jor-El, mother fucker. The fucker straps his kid in a fucking rocket and sends him off to Earth without any food or water or nothin.' Fucker like that should have his ass busted for child abuse and what happens? I'll tell you what happens. The fucking kid grows up to be Superman: baddest, squarest fuck in the DC Universe. If Jor-El can be a parent, you can be a parent. End of the fucking story."
"I'm still not sure."
"Navy Seals?" asked Randal.
"That's a gag gift."
"I think you should do it," said Silent Bob. "If you love him enough, you have to take the family along with him."
Jay nodded in agreement. Randal and Silent Bob waited for an answer. Dante smiled.
"Well… okay."
"All right!" Jay exclaimed. "Silent Bob? A beer for the new Dad."
He ran off to get one. Randal turned to Dante. "Thanks, pal."
Dante sighed. "Well, I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my parents, but you're welcome."
"Eh, knowing your mom she'll just be happy to get a grandkid."
"Sure she will. I…" Randal rubbed his side. "Ow…"
"Is something wrong?" asked Dante.
"No, I'm fine. I think the baby just did a hard kick- Ow! Shit, that hurts… AAARGH!"
"What the fuck's wrong with him?" asked Jay.
"I-I don't know," stammered Dante. "R-Randal, are you going into labor?"
"Is pissing your pants a bad sign?" asked Randal.
"Then yes. AAARGH!"
Dante groaned. "Fuck! Jay, Bob. Make him comfortable. I'm calling the ambulance."
Soon after, Randal moaned as a small group of medical personnel hoisted him up from his wheelchair and onto a hospital bed. They then pushed him down the hall. Dante, Jay, and Silent Bob weren't far behind him.
"Is he okay? Is he going to be okay?" Dante asked frantically.
Randal laughed weakly. "Concerned spouse already-eeeeeeeeeOW!"
A nurse pulled on the bed so that it turned down a corner. "We'll find that out soon enough. Are you his partner?"
"You mean his butt-buddy?" asked Jay. "Oh, hell yeah."
"Will you shut up? And yes. My name's Dante Hicks."
"He's the bitch."
"All right," said the nurse. She turned to Jay and Silent Bob. "And you two are?"
"Cameramen," answered Jay.
"Cameramen?"
"Yeah," said Jay. As if to confirm him, Silent Bob pulled out a hand-held camera from the inside of his jacket. "I figure we sell this shit to TLC or some shit. They buy the video of the first birth by dude; we make a lot of money. Snootchie bootchies!"
"Hey, wait a minute!" protested Dante. "He never agreed to that."
"Oh, shut up, bitch. They do it on that Baby Story shit all the time."
"With consent! And who the hell said you two could be present for the delivery, anyway?"
"What the fuck? We threw your boyfriend that fucking party and this is how you treat us?"
Silent Bob pointed to Jay and nodded.
"You're not bringing in the camera, and that's final."
"Oh, fuck you, you-"
Randal's latest cry of pain cut Jay off. "Will the both of you shut up? I don't want either of you in the room!"
"Yeah, see?" said Dante.
Dante's eyes widened. "What?"
Randal sighed as his contraction ended. "Yeah. Nothing personal, I just feel I need to do some things in private."
"It's all right," said the nurse. "Actually, I wouldn't have allowed you in there anyway since a male birth would require a C-section. Having the three of you in the room would be too difficult."
The personnel pushed ahead of Dante, Jay and Bob and into the delivery room. The three men stopped and stood behind, dumbfounded.
"Well ain't that a bitch?" remarked Jay.
Dante just sighed. "Let's find the waiting room."
Jay and Silent Bob leaped at the last second. The floor dropped out from underneath them as the elevator stopped at the first floor.
"Yeah!" Jay exclaimed. He and Silent Bob hit each other's fists.
Dante sighed. Six o'clock. It was going to be a long night.
"Holy shit, Silent Bob. I haven't seen one of these things in years." Jay pushed the toy, causing the balls inside the dome to pop up and about. "Fucking A! This shit is crazed."
Dante checked his watch. Seven fifteen.
"How come the only fucking thing that comes through is the fucking weather channel? What? Are the lazy fucks too tired to open their fucking window?"
Eight twenty-five.
"Pease porridge hot. Pease porridge cold. Pease porridge smoking pot, nine days old…"
Nine forty. Urge to kill rising…
At ten twelve Dante went to the cafeteria for coffee.
In front of the counter? This was a new thing…
And finally, at ten forty-five, a nurse came in.
"Mr. Hicks?" she asked.
Dante raised his head. "Oh, thank God." He rushed over to the nurse. "Is it over? Is he okay?"
"Yes, yes," the nurse smiled. "He's perfectly okay."
Dante sighed with relief. "And the baby?"
"From what I can see, a healthy baby girl."
"A girl? A girl! Did you two hear that?"
"Fuckin' sweet, man," said Jay.
Silent Bob smiled and nodded.
The nurse grinned. "We're going to have to keep them both here for a few more days to see how they recover but all in all I think this experiment is going to go down as one of the biggest successes in modern medicine."
"Um, just out of curiosity, why was this experiment done anyway?" asked Dante.
"This is America, Mr. Hicks. There are a lot of rich white people out there who get bored very, very easily. Why do you think 'natural birthing' was invented? Or underwater birthing for that matter?"
"I guess you've got a point," Dante admitted. "But aren't there people out there with… I don't know. Pancreatic cancer? Lou Gehrig's disease? Shouldn't the medical community be concentrating on them?"
"Sir, do I look like I control things around here?"
"Oh… I'm sorry."
"It's all right. Well anyway, he's in the room down the hall. Congratulations, Mr. Hicks."
As soon as Dante left, Jay was at the nurse's side.
"Say, are they doing any more of this dudes having kids shit?" he asked.
"Why yes, actually. Are you interested?"
An evil glint appeared in Jay's eye.
As soon as Dante reached the room, he heard a crash behind him. His mouth dropped open as two huge, burly male nurses pulled a struggling Silent Bob down the hall. Jay wasn't far behind them.
"Ten grand, Lunchbox! Naga-nooch!"
Dante sighed and entered into Randal's room. His heart skipped a beat. Randal just smiled and pulled the bundle on his chest closer.
"Please tell me you're not breast feeding," said Dante.
Randal laughed. "Nah. Come on over here. I want you to meet Felicia."
Dante pulled up a chair. "Felicia?"
"Felicia Wanda Graves. Felicia for the ever-sexy Black Cat. Wanda for the ever-sexy Scarlet Witch."
"Heh. Cousin Brodie will be thrilled."
"Well, I was going to ask him to be the Godfather. I figure now that he's got that comic shop and Rene just had Lex Luthor they're a pretty safe bet."
"Lex Luthor Bruce?"
"I dunno. I figure it could have been worse. He could have been Mr. Mxyzpllk, after all. Hey, wanna hold her?"
"Oh, I don't know."
"Go on, hold her. You're her Dad, right?"
"Guess so…"
Dante held out his arms and Randal slowly placed Felicia in them. Felicia struggled at first, crying a bit, but she soon settled down and closed her perfect blue eyes. "Wow…" Dante whispered.
Randal smiled. "Still think this was a dumb idea?"
"Oh yeah," Dante nodded. "But it was one of your better ones."
They both laughed at that. Then they closed their eyes, leaned forward…
"What do you mean you're only giving ten grand to the first guy?" Jay's yelling ran out across the hospital floor. "Get him the fuck out of here! I don't want a fucking baby! What the fuck is this, anyway?"
Dante shook his head. "Well, at least I don't have to give him those free slurpees."
"Yeah," agreed Randal. "Now, where were we?"