By mooselord - United States
Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML
There's no helping some people
By Anonymous - United States - Mission
Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML
By youmindyourownbusiness - United States - Genoa
Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML
By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco
Today, my mother asked me if she could borrow $200. Being the lovely daughter I am, I gave her my bank card to withdraw it herself. She gambled it away and maxed my bank account out. I had $1500 saved. FML
Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML
By Unsatisfied - Canada
Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML
By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco
Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML
By Neglected - United States - Wimberley
Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML
By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence
Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML
By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom
Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML
By bad_day_in_hell - United States
Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss' wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men". I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML
By jajaja - Canada
Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML
By inthefamily - United States - Washington
Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML
By cbarebo - United States
Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML
By ThisIsMyLife
Flowers (Nothing But)
Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML
By pistonsunshine - United States
Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML
By Insensitive - United States
Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML
By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge
Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML
By biotch - United States
Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML
By Anonymous - Italy - Verona
Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML
With friends like her, who needs money?
Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn't really want to go. I can't return the bus tickets, and she's mad at me. FML
By fstfckd - United States
Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML
By BirdBrain
Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML
By HAIL SITHIS - United States
Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML
By straightasaneedle - Germany
Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML
Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML
By iliterallypoopedmyself - Australia
Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML
By Instacreep
Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML
By IrisKitty - United States - Englewood
Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML
By Sailorjoe - United States
Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML
Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML
By Broke - Australia - Melbourne
Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML
By Shocked - United States
Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML
By anon - United Kingdom - London
Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML
By TetrisMaster - Australia
Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML
By aloneagainnaturally - Denmark - S?borg
Today, we were all put in groups to make a presentation together. And by "together" I mean I pulled an all nighter to finish it by myself. My group criticized my work. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Powell
Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Windsor Heights
Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML
By Meagan smith - United States
Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML
By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg
Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML
By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States
Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML
By SonyIsGod | 13
#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28
'Tis the season!
By ComoEsJuan | 24
Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!
th3mai1man | 6
this has nothing to do with your comment, but I'm loving your homunculus profile pic.
MidnaLink | 32
Technically the homunculi didn't create that symbol, it's called the Ouroborous, the symbol of cycles.
dingleberrysteve | 6
tis the season to sue for negligence!
ohSNAPyall | 26
That's the spirit! Goodwill toward men.
incoherentrmblr | 21
#5781006 - Friday 6 December 2013 10:10
I can only wonder what Clark Griswold would do...
False_Stupidity | 41
He was probably driving the truck #38
Clay_Pidgeon | 11
#33. tis the season to lose money for hiring lawyers and not winning shit...
By Dallasluver19 | 14
Some people. FYL
teareb | 9
Other people FYL
mallu86 | 9
# 37 you people.
JtPv | 14
Punny pun not punny.
iknowiwantyou | 13
what the fuck are you trying to say
PieReaper | 11
#5781775 - Saturday 7 December 2013 0:19
Yule be sorry you skipped english class
By karlcolt45 | 19
make a frankentree. use the best parts of both trees
By pikapikalove | 5
Yule be fine, OP.
...No? Okay then.
By TheCrispyCat | 20
People start being more and more assholes to other people from Black Friday on
AnOriginalName | 19
I don't see how anyone was an asshole in this story. It sounds like the other driver left the second tree for OP to take home.
TheCrispyCat | 20
I guess that's true. That guy was pretty nice!
By Rizzen | 27
well the economy is though these days :/
By carelessxdanger | 9
he's on the naughty list for sure!
By cakefete2 | 30
Could have been worse OP. Glad you're ok.