How core issues work: Two examples
The following examples give more insight into how this hurt sabotages our lives
Example 1 - Rhonda
When Rhonda was growing up, her father was so occupied with his work that he seldom paid any attention to her. When he did pay attention, he would yell at her. She felt totally unloved. As a result, Rhonda couldn't help but create the belief that she wasn't worth loving. This wasn't the truth, but it became her truth. She then spent the rest of her life running from it.
To avoid this hurt, Rhonda acted in a way that would sabotage all her relationships. Anything that implied that she wasn't worth loving was perceived as a threat. She would then fight and resist. She would try to control life and force people to be a certain way.
No matter how hard the men in her life tried, they could never treat Rhonda "worth loving" enough. She would constantly get upset about one thing or another. She would also hang on. She had to, because if someone left, this would prove that she wasn't worth loving. Rhonda was so hard to live with, she pushed everyone away.
Finally, after her third and most painful divorce, she noticed that there was a pattern in her life. She realized that she had to have something to do with her relationship problems. This was the point when Rhonda's life turned around.
She came to see me and discovered that she was running from her hurt. She then decided to face the dragon. This was relatively easy for her to do because the hurt of feeling not worth loving was so much in her face. The evidence was overwhelming.
As she owned this aspect of herself and allowed herself to cry, the hurt that ran her life began to fade away. She then felt a wonderful freedom. She realized that this was an aspect of her, but so what? She was also worth loving. They are both part of being human. The hurt that created so much suffering had lost its power.
She started laughing once she saw the joke that she had been playing on herself. She spent her whole life running from something that didn't even exist, except in her mind. Rhonda was then able to go on and find the relationship of her dreams, and most importantly, she was able to keep it.
Example 2 - Mark
Mark spent his life running from the hurt of failure, trying to become a success. In his attempt to avoid the hurt of failure, he would overspend and take unreasonable financial risks. He lived in a state of fear and upset. This destroyed his ability to see clearly and forced him to act in a way that produced more failure.
Finally, he failed so big, he was forced to face this aspect of himself. He lost everything. He lost his property, his office, and even his home. Failure was in his face like never before.
Then there was a moment when Mark let in what a failure he was. He looked over his life and saw one failure after another. Mark was forced to let in what he had feared the most. He could no longer avoid or deny it. Success was also an aspect of Mark, but at the moment, all he could see was failure.
This was a very painful time for Mark, but the moment he let in what a failure he was, something shifted inside. His fear of failure lost its power. How can you run from something if you are that way? It's like running from your shadow. You can't.
Mark was sad for a while but soon his whole outlook toward life seemed to change. The fear and upset that ran his life was no longer there. He no longer had to be a success. For the first time in many years, Mark was able to be himself. What an incredible relief! With the fear of failure gone, Mark was able to put his focus on creating a life that worked. He stopped overspending and got out of debt.
He continued to go for his dreams, but he did so in a way that worked. As time went on, his dreams began to come true. Now he has a life that he could never have imagined before. Mark's life turned around the moment he made peace with failure.
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