After World Series, MLB Adopts 'Open Carry' Bat Rule For Home Runs
October 31, 2019 October 31, 2019 E. Williams
HOUSTON – In the wake of the Walgreen's Nationals World Series win here, Major League Baseball (MLB) has adopted an open carry rule for batters who hit a home run. The new rule, known as the Bregman rule, will allow players to carry their bats with them all the way around the bases. Astros third-baseman Alex Bregman explained why he started the trend during the Series. "You know, I realized I can't hit home runs without my bat, but I'm the one who gets all the applause and glory after…
Sports, US NewsAstros, bat, Bregman, MLB, open carry, Soto, Torre, world series
Nike Mad That Betsy Ross Left Swoosh Logo Off American Flag Design
July 3, 2019 July 4, 2019 E. Williams
OREGON – Nike, Inc., the American shoe giant, has pulled their 4th of July, flag-themed sneakers because the company is mad that Betsy Ross didn't include their iconic "swoosh" on her original flag design. Nike personality Colin Kaepernick recently pointed out the diss by Ross to company officials. "Betsy Ross should have had the foresight to know Nike would dominate the shoe market in the future, should have known their logo would be a swoosh, and should have included the symbol somewhere on her first American flag," Kaepernick explained. In…
Politics, Sports, US NewsColin Kaepernick, Nike, shoes2 Comments
Matrix Directors Applaud Houston Astros' Special Effects Team
April 17, 2019 April 17, 2019 E. Williams
OAKLAND – Directors of The Matrix trilogy, the Wachowski siblings, were blown away by the work of the Houston Astros special effects team for a stunt they pulled off in a game last night. The Astros were taking on the Oakland A's when the feat took place. Astros pitcher Colin McHugh faced a hard line drive off the bat of an A's hitter, when Astros special effects wizards sprung into action. As the baseball hurtled toward his face, McHugh says he actually saw the Matrix for a split second, and…
Sports, US NewsAstros, Colin McHugh, Matrix, Morpheus, special effects1 Comment
Senate Judiciary Agrees to Ford-Kavanaugh Steel Cage Death Match
September 21, 2018 E. Williams
WASHINGTON – Saying it's the only fair way to end the stalemate between Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed to a winner-take-all steel cage death match between the two. Ford has accused Kavanaugh, a Supreme Court nominee, of getting overly frisky with her 36 years ago. Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters, "I think Brett will take her pretty early on. But to make the match fair, we're going to allow Ms. Ford to have one of her lawyers (or Senator Dianne Feinstein) present in…
Politics, Sports, US NewsBrett Kavanaugh, Christine Ford, Chuck Grassley, satire, steel cage, Supreme Court3 Comments
Nike Updates Slogan, Tagline: Just Disrespect It
September 4, 2018 E. Williams
BEAVERTON – Nike, the Oregon-based athletic apparel and shoe giant, has decided to update its brand. The company just announced that social justice anthem-kneeler Colin Kaepernick will be the face of their 30th anniversary marketing campaign. The campaign centers on alienating millions of loyal customers by disrespecting the American flag, the national anthem, and police officers everywhere. Thus, the new slogan, "Just Disrespect It," replaces the familiar "Just Do It" that's known worldwide. In addition to the new slogan, Nike is using the following tagline to go along with it:…
Politics, Sports, US NewsColin Kaepernick, disrespect, Nike, politics, satire, slogan, swoosh1 Comment
Dodgers Gather on Mound to Discuss Yuli Gurriel's Cultural Gesture
HOUSTON – The Los Angeles Dodgers were thrown off their game in the third game of the 2017 World Series in Houston. After hitting a home run early in the game, Houston Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel appeared to make what many with a delicate nature consider to be a racist gesture. Yuli pulled the skin back on the sides of his eyes with his fingers for a brief moment, making fun of the shape of Asian eyes. Soon after, Dodgers infielders met at the pitcher's mound, gloves over mouths,…
Sports, US Newsbaseball, political correctness, satire, world series, Yu Darvish, Yuli Gurriel
Colin Kaepernick: The Hillary Clinton of the Football World
NEW YORK CITY – Disgruntled kneeler, Colin Kaepernick, has become the Hillary Clinton of the National Football League. The former quarterback, just like Hillary, is on the outside looking in as the world goes on spinning without a care about them. Now, Colin is filing a grievance against NFL team owners for colluding to keep him out of football. Apparently, the team owners are the Russians, working behind the scenes to keep him off the playing field. Kaepernick is definitely working right out of Hillary's playbook. Jerry Jones, owner of…
Politics, Sportsanthem, Colin Kaepernick, football, grievance, Hillary Clinton, NFL, protests, satire2 Comments
Cam Newton: "It's Funny Having Female Ask Me About Making Passes"
October 6, 2017 E. Williams
N CAROLINA – Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has landed in hot water after a flippant response he gave to a feminist sports reporter. When asked by reporter Jourdan Rodrique if one of his receivers enjoyed the way he makes passes at them, Cam sheepishly laughed and said, "It's funny to hear a female talking about me making passes." Rodrique used the code-word "routes" in her question to Newton to "try to make it sound like I knew what I was talking about," but Cam knew what she meant. "Does…
Politics, SportsCam Newton, Carolina Panthers, dannon, football, Jourdan Rodrique, satire, sexist2 Comments
Maxine Waters Says 'Impeach 45' Chant Was Reference to Trump's Jersey Number
September 26, 2017 September 26, 2017 E. Williams
WASHINGTON – Football and politics have become insanely intertwined recently. Between all the kneel downs, put downs, first downs and race clowns, America is getting confused about what the protests from NFL players are really all about. Leave it to congresswoman Maxine Waters to clarify things for us. Waters has become known for screeching the chant "Impeach 45! Impeach 45!" at all of her speeches, directed at President Trump. But Aunt Maxie, whose antenna doesn't pick up very many channels, if you know what we mean, is usually off the…
Politics, Sportschant, football, Impeach 45, jersey, Maxine Waters, NFL, protests, satire, take a knee, Trump2 Comments
Michael Moore Kneels in NFL Solidarity, 4.6 Quake Hits Michigan
MICHIGAN – Showing his solidarity with NFL social justice players, filmmaker Michael Moore took a knee today to join in protest over the national anthem controversy. Just after Moore took a knee, seismologists at the University of Michigan reported a rare 4.6 magnitude earthquake in the state. While the epicenter was determined to be in the Flint area, the quake was felt as far away as Fort Wayne, Indiana, Akron, Ohio and Houghton Lake in northern Michigan. And while Moore's kneel down may have affected the most people, he wasn't…
Politics, SportsColin Kaepernick, earthquake, kneel down, Michael Moore, NFL, protest, satire, take a knee3 Comments