HOW TO BE SOMEBODY.
Whether the setting is the home, workplace or community, the single most important thing affecting our happiness and peace of mind is how we resolve the life-long conflict between two deep human needs: the need to belong and the need to be an individual. This conflict affects the aims and achievements of every person in our groups and every relationship we have. It is an inner conflict as well as a social conflict and each affects the other.
We first experience this conflict between satisfying our own needs and considering the needs of others around the age of two as we begin to discover our place in the family group. The level of self esteem we develop at that age and the way we judge our worth in regard to other people sets the stage for the next crisis period in our human struggle. That crisis period occurs at teenage as we break away from the control of our parents and face the give and take of fitting into the wider community. But the basic struggle continues throughout life and affects all our relationships with other people. Therefore it's important to understand how to use conflict to strengthen relationships.
Peace of mind and a sense of satisfaction in relationships result from striking a balance between these two needs. Not from giving or from gaining, but from a balance of the two. The further we stray from that balance, in either direction, the more stressed the relationship becomes. Regardless of whether we call it balance, justice or equality, it's necessary for peace and happiness in relationships involving two people or a million people. In practice, the balance is better described as an average rather than a constant. It could even be thought of as dynamic because of rapid variations but the important thing is that the people involved have a sense that there is balance between their need to belong and their need to be an individual. People in such relationships stand tall as individuals who belong. And for many, that extends to include their relationship with nature and the cosmos.
Bob Myers.
Many people feel the tension between the need to be in a community and be a valued individual, but they are not conscious of it.
I think it's the "valued" part that gets folks into emotional struggles. People with deep hurts are always seeking ways to gain love, acceptance, or respect. It's a very challenging situation when you are not aware of what is happening to you.
Bob Myers link
Thanks for your comment, Don. You have summed it up well. That is very true.
Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.
Equality/inequality
Ground/grounded
Power/politics
Restorative Action
Social Disease