Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 August 2008
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 14 August 2008
How to get noticed at your new work place:
Ask people what sex they are when you meet them for the first time.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your waste bin on your desk and label it "IN".
Email the rest of the company with hourly updates. eg. "I'll be in the toilet for 5 minutes."
Skip everywhere, never walk.
Always address people by the wrong names.
Put mosquito netting around your work area.
Spend lunch in the car park pointing a hair dryer at passing cars.
Never use punctuation.
Tell your new boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do".
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
A sales rep. who was on busine...
A sales rep. who was on business in New York City bought a lottery ticket. Unbelievably, before he was to return home, he learned that his numbers were drawn and that he had won $50 million dollars. Excitedly, he phoned his wife and said, "Honey, I just won $50 million dollars in the New York Lottery!! Start packing your bags!!"
The wife was equally excited and began to scream and yell. "What kind of clothes should I pack? Summer clothes, or winter clothes?"
"It really doesn't matter." the husband replied. "Just be gone by the time I get home!"
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
These are real notes written f...
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
#joke #doctor #christmas #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
Empire State Building Fall
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
What do you call a donkey with...
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey!
Tony White, Loanhead
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com
The full article contains 37 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Find the missing text [S*B*T***]
Background picture associated with the solution.
Two good friends, a whit...
Two good friends, a white guy and a black American were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most number or times in one night. Both guys thinking of themselves as ultimate sex machines decided to settle the issue by going to a brothel for the evening to find out who could do it the most.
Now in the brothel, both guys choose their lady of preference and proceed to their respective rooms to begin their conquest.
The white guy energetically has sex with his lady and after finishing reached up and marked a line on the wall with a pencil, then falls asleep. He wakes up after a couple of hours and has sex again, this time a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reaches up and marks another line on the wall, and again falls asleep. He wakes up again after about an hour but this time decides he needs more rest and falls asleep.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how his friend did. The black guy takes one look at the wall and surprisingly says, "Shiiiiiit, you da man. Eleven times? You beat me by three!"
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
A drunk man boards a bus. A Bi...
A drunk man boards a bus. A Bible preacher sees him and says, "You're going straight to hell!" The drunk exclaims, "My gosh, I'm on the wrong bus!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
Answering Machine Message 123
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
women, you're in good shape as...
women, you're in good shape as long as you can still touch your toes.
Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count.
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.