Uh-oh » « Fun with the godly loons
My ears are bleeding
If you thought Christian rock was horrible and unlistenable, you have not yet heard the Christian demo tapes — the stuff that is so awful it never even made it to the exalted ranks of famous artists like Creed.
Nah, you really don't want to listen to those. It's a version of audio torture. Maybe KKMS can use these songs, though.
Schmeer says
I hate Christian Rock with a violent passion. I can only imagine what kind of crap the Holy record execs thought was amateurish in comparison to the garbage that we actually get to hear. Unless I start feeling suicidal I'm not going to listen to any of those demos.
Bring on the metal. It will cleanse my mental palate after the sour milk that is Christian Rock.
Lycosid says
Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast" might prove a worthy purgative.
Mena says
My eyes are bleeding from this Yahoo story about the platypus genome. I think that I'll pass on the music today.
wazza says
Yeah, no thanks, I'd really rather stick my hand in a meatgrinder…
Mena: reporter misreports science. What's new? It sounded reasonable accurate apart from "Platypuses are a genetic potpourri"…
Umilik says
Gotta wonder whether the friendly folks over at intelligence couldn't use those tapes/tunes instead of waterboarding.
But frankly, I'd rather be drowning than having to listen to that nightingale tune again..
Lycosid,
Excellent suggestion, but my commute was awful today. I have to start with prescription strength death metal first.
Dimmu Borgir, In Sorte Diaboli.
Curt Cameron says
"Christian Rock" ?!?
Everyone knows all the good bands are affiliated with Satan.
– Bart Simpson
I always wondered what a toothache sounded like.
(((Billy))) says
In high school/first year of college, I dated a girl who was born-again (her Catholic parents were mildly amused). Once, she invited me to a concert at the Hagerstown Fair. We went with about twenty of her friends. It turned out to be a Christian Rock Concert. There were four bands (I think the headline was Petra?). All were wearing massive amounts of spandex. All were so out of balance (vocals v. instrumentals) that I couldn't hear the words. Luckily, the words were posted above the stage on a big screen. It was all about love. God's love. Jesus' love. The Bible's love.
The music was bad, the lyrics were forced, and the compositions were juvenile.
On the way home, I slid in Pind Floyd's The Wall as an (effective) antidote.
I really don't want to listen to those songs, so forgive me if I do not follow the link.
Now, of course, you have brought that memory up, so I think I need a good dose of Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie, and Bob Dylan.
DiscGrace says
One of my friends in college was friends with a "preacher's kid", who would supply us with the most hilarious samples of Christian rock that her dad's church received. My favorite was some guy screaming repeatedly over discordant guitar noise: "JESUS! HE LOVES YOUR CHILDREN! LOVES ALL THE CHILDREN!"
Steve_C says
Paramore is some catchy stuff the kids love. It's got some cringeworthy christian lyrics though. Better than Evanescence that's for sure. I think once bands start selling that many records, they stop talking about their faith alot.
Jason G. says
Anyone who makes it through more than a couple of those demos has a level of tolerance that I will never understand. Those things are a level of bad that words can not begin to describe.
I have a strong affinity with "Amazing Grace" for many personal reasons (most of them not religious, oddly). Typically, I end up so emotional that I can't help crying.
I was almost crying at this version, too. But for very different reasons.
Jams says
"We are the losers that god rose up." – We Are the Champions (of God)
These guys might be onto something.
Zeno says
Regarding O Nightingale:
Come back, Florence Foster Jenkins! All is forgiven!
There is someone worse than Creed?!?!?!?!? The mind reels…..
Wowbagger says
I think the South Park guys got the whole faith-based music industry spot-on when they parodied it.
Still, to be fair, I love my one Sufjan Stevens album. The man has talent. But he sits in my cd collection with Tool and Bright Eyes – not much Jebus there…
MootPoint says
Stupidity distilled to 99% purity:
"God, give the devil the measles
For all those tricks on me
Let him jump and itch
Scratch and twitch
All through eternity"
trimtab says
Just lost two pints of blood. Came gushing out of my eyes, nose and ears. Should have heeded you warning, PZ.
Imagine being a mental healthcare professional, stumbling upon this stuff. You just couldn't stop yourself from having the most acute SIWOTI attack, and die.
Someone must preserve this stuff for future generations, but, in the meantime, keep it out of the reach of children, adults, and mental healthcare professionals.
Dunc says
In all fairness, it's not just the Christians – somewhere upwards of 95% of all demos are dreadful.
I used to have a dual role as a IT manager / Warehouse manager for a leather goods importing company and one of the people who worked there was a super fundamentalist. His kid used to work during the summer in the warehouse and would play the most god awful (damn that works well there) shit I've ever heard. It was like Death Metal but all Christian lyrics. I had to listen to it every time I was in the warehouse and all the other workers complained daily about it. Eventually I had to throw some Funky Meters on the radio and told him he couldn't play that any longer. The other warehouse workers thanked me.
There is some really bad music out there and when you add Jesus to the mix it just becomes unbearable.
SC says
Another antidote – brutal honesty:
"'Ooh Girl!' – An Honest R&B Song"
Didn't Evanescence give up on being a "Christian band"? [insert sound of Googling] Wikipedia says so, and it's even got footnotes.
Chris (in Columbus) says
Wow, that girl who sings Amazing Grace sounds like Miss Cleo failed at her pyschic-network and decided to become a phone sex operator. "I hope you like it. A lot."
CREEPY.
I adore terrible music. I don't know why, but the Bad Music Hour and its clones indicate that I am not alone in this. The fact that some of the demos have introductions explaining the songs from the "artists" makes it even better.
MS says
When I was teaching music at a small college in east Texas, I often got calls from people who wanted help in writing their "contemporary Christian" songs (basically they wanted music theory lessons so they could learn to write down what they played on the guitar or piano). I never quite got the nerve, but I always wanted to lend them a copy of the Penderecki St. Luke Passion and/or the Ligeti Requiem and tell them that was what I meant by contemporary Christian music and to call me back if they wanted to continue along those lines. At any event, none of them was quite as delusional as these folks. A couple of them even had some vestiges of talent.
Unrelated, really, but one of my favorite anecdotes of that period in my life: I was playing in the orchestra for the "living Christmas tree" at one of the local churches (the teaching gig didn't pay all that well) and they opened each performance with the famous Copland Fanfare for the Common Man. Backstage at intermission one night I was talking with some of the brass players, most of whom were, or had been, students at the college where I was teaching and had been in one or more of my classes. Someone mentioned how much they liked the Copland and I got to point out that Copland was a Jewish homosexual with markedly leftist political leanings. I wondered aloud if the deacons at the church were aware of that. The expressions on their faces were priceless.
No one else seems to have sent this along: http://www.fredmckinnon.com/media/OHolyNight.mp3 . It's been making the rounds for a year or more and there is a spirited debate as to whether it's a serious, but horribly misguided, attempt at what is actually a pretty difficujlt song (and which is often tackled by people who can't quite handle its wide range and long phrases) or a really, really, really good parody (I lean towards the latter). It literally had me falling off my chair the first time I heard it.
DaveX says
…now go have a bit of fun with The Shaggs, "My Pal Foot Foot"
I never quite got the nerve, but I always wanted to lend them a copy of the Penderecki St. Luke Passion and/or the Ligeti Requiem and tell them that was what I meant by contemporary Christian music and to call me back if they wanted to continue along those lines.
"Contemporary Christian" = "We just found a monolith on the Moon and are freaking the fuck out"?
danley says
I wonder what happened to the Gospel Gangstas?
Lyle says
Its like the Python's funniest joke sketch, except instead of a joke, it is pain incarnate.
These must be destroyed! Imagine the human death toll if these got into the hands of an evil dictatorship. Not all of us have the mental fortitude to resist this!
Tom says
Good call on the late and much-lamented Florence Foster Jenkins, Zeno #15.
Ulairion says
I'm not getting even near Xtian Rock, I'd rather pour molten lead down my ears.
I'm now listening to "What God Wants pt II" by Roger Waters…
"God wants dollars/God wants cents/God wants pounds shillings and pence/God wants guilders/God wants kroner/God wants Swiss francs/God wants French francs/God wants escudos/God wants pesetas/Don't send lira/God don't want small potatoes/God wants small towns/God wants pain/God wants clean up rock campaigns/God wants widows/God wants solution/God wants TV/God wants contributions/What God wants God gets God help us all/God wants silver/God wants gold/God wants his secret/Never to be told"
Somewhat related isn't it? Great song from a great album (Amused to Death).
While we're on the topic, I read a few weeks ago that David Gilmour is an atheist. Not exactly a great surprise, but it feels good knowing than someone you admire and respect shares your beliefs, isn't it?
MarkW says
South Park 'Christian Rock Hard' episode:
Cartman:
I'm gonna get down on my knees
And start pleasing Jesus,
I wanna feel his love
All over my face.
Colugo says
One of my guilty pleasures is Christian metal. Some of these bands are only vaguely spiritual while others are full on Left Behind types.
Faves: Zao (metalcore – not sure if they are still a 'Christian' band), Antestor ('unblack' metal with cred – Hellhammer from Mayhem was session drummer on their latest album), Mortification (only their early thrash/grind phase is good), Vengeance Rising (thrash – lead singer Roger Martinez became an atheist and denounces Christianity every chance he gets).
Be sure to read the "full blurb" annotations–each one a work of consummate artistry.
BMcP says
Creed was officially Christian rock? O_o
Cain says
I think it's more a music thing than it is a Christian thing. That is, most Christian rock is nu-metal or sappy acoustic ballads, and those suck regardless of lyrical content.
janeothejungle says
Hmmm. I don't know. "Hot Summer Nights" kinda does it for me. That sexy twang and the country riff, still not sure what it has to do with theism. Now "I am a Man", on the other hand, sounds suspiciously like something that Barney, the purple dinosaur, would reject.
Tulse says
most Christian rock is nu-metal or sappy acoustic ballads, and those suck regardless of lyrical content.
Where is the Christian disco? Or Christian hiphop?
WRMartin says
Christian Rock is neither!
It sure ain't Christian – the music should glorify their god.
And it sure ain't Rock – it's simply called bad music.
Bad Music with a few Jeebi thrown in.
South Park did it.
It's really all the same across the board with whatever they touch – it doesn't need to be quality work because it's for the glory of their lord. Church office workers have a similar affliction – the telephone voicemail announcement has info from 2 months ago – doesn't matter, they're doing it for Jeebus. The web page listing upcoming events stops a few months in the past – doesn't matter, they're doing it for …
There is an old southern saying (southern U.S.A for you out-of-towners) that goes something like, "Well, bless their heart." which loosely translates to, "Those poor retards."
Bless their heart.
Will E. says
When Dylan went through his born again Xian phase in the late '70s, he put out one pretty good "Xian rock" album, 1980's Slow Train Coming. I haven't listened to it in quite a few years, but I remember it being passionate, inspired and not insulting to this atheist. So Xian rock isn't *all* bad–but then, it's kinda unfair to compare most pop artists to Dylan for anything.
"Gotta Serve Somebody":
When Dylan went through his born again Xian phase in the late '70s, he put out one pretty good "Xian rock" album, 1980's "Slow Train Coming" I haven't listened to it in quite a few years, but I remember it being passionate, inspired and not insulting to this atheist. So Xian rock isn't *all* bad–but then, it's kinda unfair to compare most pop artists to Dylan for anything.
boomer says
Yeah, I cried when Spock died too.
AJ Milne says
Someone must preserve this stuff for future generations…
I dunno. I see this stuff as more being in the category of high-level radioactive waste. As in: an unfortunate byproduct of our contemporary reality we have really little right to inflict upon future generations. Preservation won't be the problem. Safe and responsible disposal is.
… I'd suggest launching it into the sun, but man, what if the launch vehicle fails? Vapid pap of that level of toxicity, spread through the atmosphere, coming down in the rain? I shudder to contemplate it.
So let's go for the concrete bunker buried deep in the middle of a craton. Best we can do, for now, sadly.
Epikt says
Chortle. I really, really wanted to use nothing but Messaien at our wedding, but the organist couldn't play any of it.
Donut says
I thought they were HI-larious and shared this link with all of my friends. Thank you for the morning laugh, PZ!
On a side note, once while standing in line at Disney World, I had some Christian metal douchebag tell me that he played xian music "just to score with the chicks" which…. is just the right mix of funny and pathetic.
Around 1990, when Usenet was where all the cool kids played, there were quite a few online music communities. For awhile they put out compilations of user-submitted music. There were rare exceptions, but the majority of it was beyond dreadful. Metalheads with three chords and no sense of time. New-agers who found Yanni too harmonically sophisticated. Earnest singers who performed long explorations of the quarter tone scale, by accident. Introverted nerds doing totally sequenced Berlin School electronica, thus avoiding having to actually interact with other humans. And, from the talented end of the tape, shopping mall jazz.
I've always thought that nothing could be worse than those old tapes. Until now.
Evanescence gave up being a christian band because some of the members liked coke better.
Unless it's hilarious songs like in that South Park episode, I'm not touching this.
"I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing jesus, I want to feel his salvation all over my faith!"
Brownian, OM says
So much for the argument that religion is responsible for so much of the world's great works of art.
aiabx says
Given that the term "rock and roll" itself was a euphemism for fornication, and that the entire genre is built on the twin pillars of sex and rebellion, it's no wonder that Christian Rock sucks ass – they are orthoganol to the entire point of the music.
I am going to go and listen to Religious Vomit by the Dead Kennedys now.
Ryan F Stello says
That wasn't so bad, really.
Maybe that's just because "Doc's" commentary was a great antidote for the ironic hell that the singer's unleashed.
I've read that Zao also no longer consider themselves Christian metal. They drifted away from it by picking up a few new band members who weren't Christians, if what I read is correct. Now they consider themselves an "open-minded" band that happens to contain a few Christians. That's a description that sits just fine with me. If I could understand any of the lyrics without looking them up, then I could voice an opinion on how believable that account is.
Rick at shrimp and grits says
It's much safer reading the lyrics than listening to the songs. But I did click on this one:
http://www.deuceofclubs.com/tunes/demos/03thats_peculiar.htm
… and listened for about ten seconds. It's about what you'd expect if you hit the members of Devo over the head repeatedly with sledgehammers while they were performing "Whip It".
Whip it good …
SplendidMonkey says
I expect you've all seen these sweet kids singing a "new gospel song" on Lawrence Welk's show.
KKMS has a link to a Dr. Poppe. He has a web site that offers teaching supplements that take a non-evolutionary view point. Here is a blurb about the one for physics:
"A 40-page condensed course in "Physics" that covers energy versus matter,kinetic versus potential energy, Newtonian laws of motion, the laws of thermodynamics, steady and variable change rates in moving objects, Einstein's theories of relativity, nuclear physics, and quantum mechanics- all from a non-evolutionary perspective"
maybe he will offer some other "non-" courses:
non-copernican astrophysics
non-wegnerian geology
non-daltonian chemistry
wait, he already has one on chemistry:
"A-40 page condensed course in "Chemistry" that covers atomic theory, sub-atomic particles, the periodic table, compounds and mixtures, reactions, inorganic chemistry, organic (life-related) molecules, and supposed chemical evolution – all from a non-evolutionary perspective"
Peter Murphy of Bauhaus fame is a Sufi Muslim. But I would categorize him as a musician who happens to profess a faith rather than a representative of a genre of religious music, even though it has influenced his lyrics.
The Muslim punk scene has gotten some attention of late.
And don't forget Yidcore.
So, is this the thread where I admit Matisyahu is a guilty pleasure of mine?
windy says
Incidentally, the latest album by José González was inspired by the God Delusion. In your face, Mark Ravenhill!
i just noticed something about the call letters of KKMS.
if you look up the ascii values of K,M and S you get 75,77,83.
add up the digits in M: 7+7=14 and 1+4 is 5.
add up the digits in S: 8+3=11 and 1+1 is 2.
now take 5-2 and you get 3.
add the digits in K: 7+5=12 and 1+2 is 3.
so MS reduces to 3 and K reduces to 3 also!
that means MS is really K!
the call letters for the radio station are KKK!!!
davidstvz says
The only quality Christian rock music I've ever heard was Lincoln Brewster (his first album in particular) and the OC Supertones (a Christian ska band). And I don't mean quality by Christian rock standards, I mean that with secular lyrics these guys could have been quite successful. Of course, the lyrics are unbearably annoying to a non-Christian and probably to a lot of non-evangelical Christians as well. These aren't Creed lyrics… these guys aren't afraid to say Jesus.
Every other piece of Christian music I've heard is terrible. The worst thing is hearing my little brother listen to it as if it is acceptable (he burned his secular music collection a year or so after becoming a Christian). It's such a shame because, like me, he plays guitar with some talent.
I don't think I will partake of these demos.
OK, I listened to That's…Peculiar, and as a Slav, I say to her: fuck *yawn* you!
ogunsiron says
Colugo :
Cool thread :) This brings back many memories.
Back when i started listening to extreme metal, one of the few radio shows that i found was a christian metal radio show. I thus got into bands like Believer, Mortification, Vengeance Rising, Sacrament , etc . Some of those bands were very competent indeed. I still like Believer , a band whose musical output , at least , was respected in the thrash metal scene. No one could accuse them of being bad musicians . The thrash metal band Vengeance Rising may have been christians but they were definitely one of the more extreme bands of the time and their vocalist was a freak (he's even more of a freak now that he turned into a cartoon satanist) ! They were very much into all the gory old testament stuff.
One of the most unvoluntarily funny christian bands i knew of was the australian Vomitorial Corpulence (what a holy name !). I think those guys were basically a bunch of grind/gore freaks who grew up xians and just didn't have the courage to let it go, so they decided to write gore lyrics about how jesus was tortured, and how sinners' bodies will rot in hell , etc . They thought that was spiritually uplifting :)
Finally, Antestor is also very high quality metal music .
With all that said, christian rock wasn't very effective in turning me into a believer , to say the least :)
Quiet Desperation says
Actually, Neal Morse's religious albums aren't bad. He used to be the front man for the prog rock band Spock's Beard, but then he went born again. It didn't hurt his songwriting abilities.
wÒÓ† says
(.)(.)
Milo Johnson says
Eeesh. They all chose to write in the key of "brown noise" and now there's shit all over me and my chair…
"… steady and variable change rates in moving objects, Einstein's theories of relativity, nuclear physics, and quantum mechanics- all from a non-evolutionary perspective"
It's even odder than that, since it's not as if evolution is an alternative to modern physics — it's a complete non-sequitur. It's like offering courses on stamp-collecting from a non-evolutionary perspective, or box-girder bridge building from a non-evolutionary perspective, or accounting from a non-evolutionary perspective.
Longtime Lurker says
Hedningarna plays the best religious music there is, invocations to Ukko and Akka, "Pornopolka"-type seduction charms, now THAT'S good religious music.
Gotta admit, though, my last name ends in a vowel, so a well-done rendition of "Ave Maria" will still get the tears-a-flowing.
dwarf zebu says
I don't think I've seen it put down better than on a Fox cartoon (King of the Hill):
Hank (to a "hardcore" christian rock band): "Can't you see you're not making christianity any better, you're just making rock 'n roll worse".
Here's a link to some kid on youtube playing a solo off the first Brewster album, (to give you an idea without anyone having to suffer the lyrics). Of course, the playing on the real album is tighter.
Tim Fuller says
Shopping mall jazz. Sweet, sweet shopping mall jazz. Listening to some as I walked through Books-a-Million the other day, I noticed a sign for "Christian Fiction". To be honest I never did check to see if they had a "Christian Nonfiction" section. If so, I wonder how many what they fill it with?
I have a Christian friend, a man who happens to be very intelligent (otherwise). He also happens to be an audiophile. His musical tastes don't suck (e.g Pink Floyd fan). He has tossed me tidbits of 'Christian Music" that he claims are 'really good'.
I have never listened to it because (post Godspell) my impression of Christian Rock is mirrored by those who post here.
FWIW, here's a couple of those bands. Jars of Clay is one I remember and the other…checking itunes….Ben Harper. Anybody out there got an opinion on either of them?
I have a pretty good collection of good religiously themed songs that I really like. Most of them appear to be offering thanks and praise to some guy they refer to as Jah.
Here's my vote for this week's top Atheist religious tune:
Fast Car by Wyclef Jean (featuring Paul Simon)- Carnival II
Samples lyrics
I heard a man say 'Jesus Walks'
Me, myself, I heard Jesus talk
Cause when I heard his beat I felt Jesus' force
I heard it 'Through The Wire' that he made it out the coma
From a fast car
It was a fast car
When that fast car picks you up
You will have no choice
You may hear the tires screaming
But you will have no voice
But as the fast car picks you up
You will weep and smile
And see heaven in the headlights
Mile after, mile
After, mile after mile
MissAgentGirl says
Hey I think you're all missing the real hidden gem on that site. The big prize is the link to the super-groovy retro Jesus clip art. http://www.iheartchaos.com/2008/01/28/super-jesus-patriotic-clip-art-art/
heh, nothing says Incest like two children praying.
@ AJ #42
My greater concern on the sun-launch would be that that much suck concentrated in one place would collapse into a black hole, and consume the sun. Now, I'm working on ways to live off of Hawking radiation*, but I'm not quite there yet.
* They called me MAD at the Institute. MAD! But I'll show them …
I didn't know Kenyans were so into the hymns.
Kaddath says
Noticed how all things non-sense are plagued by oxymorons?:
discovery institute
As Quiet Desperation (#62) pointed out Neal Morse still writes great music… maybe execept his awful ? album… if you can get past the title, Sola Scriptura is actually really good, Paul Gilbert on guitars and Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater) on drums.
Time for some Eruption/Running with the Devil from good ol' Eddie Van Halen.
I know Jar's of Clay was popular (in their way), but I never took to them. I think their music was a little too atmospheric and bland for my taste.
What about Dylan's 1980 album "Slow Train Coming"? His flirtation with born-again Xianity in the late '70s resulted in that–as I remember–quite inspired and passionate album. That's the only "Xian rock" I've ever heard that was any good.
@ Tim #69
JoC has put out some decent stuff, musically. They've got a lot of competence and actually had a bit of mainstream success in the '90s.
Ben Harper, if it's the guy I'm thinking of, is a secular musician who might turn out some, "Hey, I've got some religious roots" music every once in a while. His biggest mainstream hit was "Steal my Kisses", I think, around 2000-2001, and there wasn't a bit o' the Jesus in that. I'd classify him in a vein with early Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson (who he worked with), but that doesn't exactly fit. It gives a place to start from, though.
davidstvz, I also think the OC Supertones were pretty kick-ass, despite the lyrics.
I mean, most of Bob Marley's output is specifically religious, and still great.
Epikt (#43): "I really, really wanted to use nothing but Messaien at our wedding, but the organist couldn't play any of it."
One of our nieces got married last year and the church had a list of organists that you had to choose from. I'm not sure how they ended up with the one they did, but she couldn't even play the Doxology, which presumably she played every Sunday of the year at her regular church job. Her "performance" of everything else was on a par with these demos.
As virtually everyone in my wife's family (her father, all her sibs, all their spouses, and all their kids) is a musician (mostly amateurs but some pros) the amount of giggling going on in the pews as the organist slaughtered one standard after another almost disrupted the wedding (I mean, if you can't play Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring or the Trumpet Voluntary you have no business masquerading as an organist, certainly not charging good money for your services) . One of my sisters-in-law and I had to keep elbowing each other in the ribs when the other would start to moan or laugh too loudly.
PS–Love Messiaen. We got married outside so no organ, or we certainly would have used some Messiaen at our wedding. What's the world coming to when an organist doesn't have at least some Messiaen in his/her repertory? It's not ALL incredibly difficult.
MissAgentGirl, I clicked through to the pictures, and they're great!
The fifth from the left on the first row of images has at least one real-world counterpart: the Hill of Crosses in Northern Lithuania.
Wiki describes it thus: "Over the centuries, the place has come to signify the peaceful endurance of Lithuanian Catholicism despite the threats it faced throughout history."
I've wondered how much 'sacred places' are reminiscent of the pagan pre-Christian past of the local people.
Nice! Do you think Ladysmith Black Mambazo (I know, wrong ethnolinguistic group) were chiding Paul Simon for being a "secular coastal elite" throughout their backing vocals?
Christopher Wing says
Hi –
A little self-promotion… mcthfg is the polar opposite of a christian rock band. It says so right on our site.
Music made by atheists. And the world didn't end.
http://www.myspace.com/mcthfg
More than 70 comments, and *still* no mention of Stryper!
Philistines!
Educate yourselves: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stryper
No, tell me more! Are they?
Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Sweet Smoking Jesus! I don't even care what the music is. Can I get that on a concert T-Shirt?
I never really understood why Christian rock has to be as bad as it is. You would think that if God was so important to these people, they would put some effort into not sucking.
I think it's a numbers game Jenny. How many people try to make good Christian music vs. good normal music? Then there's also the lure of traditional rock staples (sex, drugs, money) that isn't there in Christian rock. It's only natural that Satan gets the best rockers.
Milo Johnson (#64):
That sound you just heard, Gentle Reader, was my soda spraying across my computer monitor.
I have had a handful of "spiritual" experiences in my life (a better adjective might be numinous). The first was, I'd say, when F = ma clicked with me and blew my six-year-old mind. Another, years later, was the time I saw superfluid helium. More recently than that, I was standing in the front row at a Mary Prankster concert. . . in drag. . . and something happened which I will not try to encapsulate in words, except to say that "Irresponsible Woman" is now my canonical standard for "religious music".
OT: I really like the word 'numinous', Blake, and I wonder if we shouldn't use it more often to demonstrate the fulfillment of awe and wonder that many of us feel about the universe without having to manufacture a god. I think it exemplifies the passion that Sagan and Feynman had that they ignited in so many others.
markbt73 says
I had a college roommate who was all about the Christian rock, particularly Petra. It was awful. I had to cleanse the room with the Pixies' Doolittle or some Nirvana each time he turned off his stereo and left. I also had a friend in high school who loved Stryper. So I've done my jeebus-rock time, and I think I'll skip those links, thank you very much.
I really like Ben Harper, though; I just skip over "those" songs. Same with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.
Jyotsana says
This thread is bringing back some long-repressed memories from my time as a christian (hey, it was high school and all my friends were doing it!). One of the christian metal tapes I used to have from that time included a song about evolution. I wish I could remember the band and the name of the song, but the lyrics went something like: "…you were a worm/and before that you were a germ/like Charles Darwin/and Carl Sagan/you evolved INTO A PAGAN!!!/'CAUSE YOU'RE A PAGAN!!!/A PAGAN!!! [cue screaming]…" Ugh. I wonder what it's gonna take to re-repress that memory.
I wish I could remember the band and the name of the song, but the lyrics went something like: "…you were a worm/and before that you were a germ/like Charles Darwin/and Carl Sagan/you evolved INTO A PAGAN!!!/'CAUSE YOU'RE A PAGAN!!!/A PAGAN!!! [cue screaming]…"
This reminds me that the current thread may be as good a time as any to trot out my perennial suggestion. Thanks to Matt Nisbet, we have the perfect name for a band: "New Atheist Noise Machine". Come on, who's with me?
If all spiritual music was as good as A Love Supreme I'd listen to it. Unfortunately everything I hear today (excepting some cool funky gospel now and again) is garbage.
Jyotsana, I found the antidote:
rob curtis says
when in high school, i had a friend who turned out during/after college to be a bit of a zealous christian. i was listening to black sabbath, waylon jennings, jethro tull and abba. he listened to petra, some other crap and larry norman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Norman
i actually liked larry norman. if i recall correctly, the music was actually kinda good. i think he had a song called "why should the devil get all the good music." that made me chuckle. why indeed.
still doesn't explain wham! though…
blf says
Thanks to Matt Nisbet, we have the perfect name for a band: "New Atheist Noise Machine".
I highly recommend this band for your next baby roasting or lion feeding party.
A word of warning, however: They're cool about the baby roastings (just be sure to have lots of wine on-hand), but they demand payment in advance for the lion feedings. Which means you won't save any money by also using them for the main event.
National Day Of Slayer is coming soon!
Sven DiMilo says
El Chimpo sez it all (#90).
I give Duke Ellington a pass too.
Ktesibios says
Things which have the same "you've missed the @#$% point" rating as Christian rock:
nonalcoholic beer
fat-free cheesecake
kissing your sister
davidstvz – Thank you! I needed that :D
Big Dave says
I see your Christian Rock, and raise you Atheist Rap
"I keep on telling you that your religion sucks balls, a bunch of fairy tales that make no sense at all"
ouch. that. sucked.
Meant to put in my above post (#98) it's NSFW on account of foul language, so headphones and you're SFW
Well, there's no pleasing everyone's taste, RevBigDumbChimp.
Not a big hip hop fan myself either, but it's good to see people in other mediums speaking out as well.
On a plus side though, checked out your blog, thanks for introducing me to this!
Just keep in mind that it may not provide permanent relief. You should always keep some Slayer handy in case of relapse. Also, repeated use of the same song may cause it to lose effectiveness, but there are plenty of other songs with suitable lyrics!
Sorry. Sometimes hip-hop just rubs me the wrong way.
And yes, that vid rocks.
Vagrant says
The way to get hazardous musical waste off the planet safely is with a really big canon: Pachelbel's Canon.
Janine ID says
How is an antidote for all you suckers who actually listened to this dreck.
Are You Drinking With Me Jesus?
If a Christian band wanted me to take them seriously, they'd better not chose a name that means "strangles" in my native language (Swedish).
Hey wÒÓ† person – get a load of these (.)(.)
Holy Shit! Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon together?!?! Why have I never heard of these two getting together? Going to have to go get that album.
arensb says
Speaking of Christian music, I recently bought Andy Hunter°'s album Life , based on the fact that I'd heard a few tracks and liked them.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the music (if you like bouncy upbeat synthpop). The CD booklet makes it clear that the guy's a flaming Christian (heck, there are Bible verses next to the song titles), but it doesn't affect the quality of the music, so I don't hold that against him.
What bugs me, though, is the fact that according to IMDB, he contributed music to the movie Expelled .
Mikey M says
UNLESS you're Chris Sarandon…
I've no idea why, but Are you drinking with me jesus? (@105) reminded me of another great antidote, Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes-Benz (that's the famous Janis Joplin version).
Perhaps the best time I ever heard (saw) it performed was at a folk gig where the female singer-guitarist broke a string during some number. At the conclusion of that number, the band leader said something like, "Right, we'll go and have a smoke whilst so-and-so replaces her string." He and the rest of the band then left the stage, leaving the embarrassed guitarist all alone in front of a (giggling–it was all quite good natured) full house. "Eeek!" was her first reaction, and then, obviously in a bit of desperation (initially) and whilst replacing the string on her guitar, sang Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me…–and brought the house down.
(My apologies for not recalling the names, my memory is like a black hole for names–they fall in and never emerge.)
BlueIndependent says
Perhaps I haven't heard the good Christian music, and so I think it all basically sucks. IMO it's the musicians who are not outwardly, unabashedly, defiantly Christian who tend to write the most inspired religious songs. Heck, half the stuff Woody Guthrie wrote would pass religious muster these days. Several songs by the Handsome Family easily fit into a religious mold as well. But they just sound more original than the Christian songs I happen across from time to time.
The biggest problem for me with Christian music is that it's only about 3-4 things, ever: how much the artist loves God/Jesus, how much Satan sucks, or a ditty about some story from the Bible…and maybe a few life's lessons songs thrown in. That's it. Am I wrong on this?
But even when I WAS religious, I thought Christian music sucked. And now, well, I'm really not interested, and I can get the artistry in so any other places without the obvious nature of the lyrical content.
AC says
I second this recommendation for Tim.
stogoe says
I used to love the OC Supertones. Their brand of Jesus meshed well with the general trend of ska to be anti-racist. Five Iron Frenzy wasn't bad, either.
Mandatory Spinal Tap reference
After Spinal Tap's disasterous US tour (depicted in the movie), bassist Derek Smalls played the "Monsters of Jesus" tour with his band, Lambsblood. After Lambsblood disbanded, he decided to "throw my lot in with evil, again."
Inky says
I *liked* "We Want to Fish for Men"–I would totally sing that if I were a gay man. Shit. I'm a straight woman! I'll sing it now!
Some of the others just made my auditory neurons apoptose. Like the Little Arrhythmic Atonal Drummer Boy, or the For the Glory of God and a Million Dollars with My Out of Tune Geetar Guy, and, in the comments, the feline in estrus-like howling to "O Holy Night".
Thanks for the info on Harper. I will check some of his stuff on my Ipod. Jars of Clay will probably have to wait.
I see that somebody mentioned that a lot of reggae is religiously themed, but doesn't suck. I slid in the previous Jah reference just to stir up the mix. Kudos to whoever mentioned Matisyahu. He's a Jewish reggae singer for those who haven't heard his hit song Jerusalem, I highly recommend it.
An old favorite of mine, not generally known by the public as having a religious bent are The Ozark Mountain Daredevils (genre: country/hillbilly rock; big hit: Jackie Blue) Leatherwood, It Probably Always Will, You Made it Right, Beauty in the River and True Believer are all songs of theirs that I enjoy despite both the offbeat genre and worship themes. Maybe I'm just a sucker for a good harmonica? Their most excellent example of same is showcased in a song titled Gypsy Forest.
Made a political themed music video today. My third youtube production. It's under a minute.
Titled: Hillary – Going Out of Business
Ken Mareld says
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. My ears still hurt.
I was warned.
Interrobang says
My favourite religious musicians are probably Shotei Ha'nevua, Ofra Haza, and Desmond Dekker. Granted, neither of the former two are Christians, and I'm not entirely sure about Desmond Dekker, either.
Samantha Vimes says
Stories from the bible are good for Christian Rock? So I could get together some friends, call ourselves Lot's Daughters, and perform something like:
"Our town was bad,
Made Yahweh mad,
And we felt so sad,
We all got drunk and fucked our dad."
and the rubes Christians would buy it? And maybe one about the dude who sacrificed his little girl? And a really tragic ballad about the fig tree that whithered because Jesus got pissed he couldn't get fruit out of season?
That could be really fun.
Just a song of Gomorrah…
shane says
I went to a Catholic high school when I was a young fella. On a couple of occasions, religious services and the like, they played Joplin's Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz and Lennon's Imagine. Not sure the powers that be got it.
Another good antidote: Dear God by XTC.
I've got a few Ben Harper albums and he always struck me as mixed-bag spiritual rather than belonging to any particular faith – in his pro-marijuana song 'Burn One Down' he mentions Jah, so there's some Rastafarian influence.
A lot of the racist-inclined believers probably hate him for marrying a white woman (Laura Dern). Plus he's got a whole lot of tattoos and we know what Leviticus says about that. Then there's the same-sex-relationship advocating in 'Mama's Got a Girlfriend Now'.
He's one of the best live performers I've ever seen – and I've seen a few. He's so talented and yet self-effacing at the same time. His gig in 1998 still rates as one of the best shows I've been to. About as close to a religious experience I'll ever get…
I just CANNOT stop listening to "Come Back, America!", it really is THAT bad!
k9_kaos says
Am I the only one who keeps getting those songs played in double-speed? It sounds like the Christian Chipmunks or something. The Christmonks, as it were.
Some Christian songs I can't stand:
Jesus He Knows Me by Genesis:
"I believe in the family
With my ever loving wife beside me
But she don't know about my girlfriend
Or the man I met last night"
These lyrics tickle me — what exactly was Phil Collins getting up to with that man? ;-)
Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum:
"Never been a sinner I never sinned
I got a friend in Jesus"
Funny, I thought Christians believed that everyone was a sinner.
Azkyroth says
The closest to "Christian" music I tolerate is Blind Guardian, Nightwish, and Savatage. I'll pass.
Sounds familiar.
Do either of those genres pretend to be music still?
Ichthyic says
frankly, I always wondered if that song wasn't a parody.
but, it was written before Poe's Law took effect, yes?
thalarctos says
I heard he was a "Jews for Jesus" type; can't vouch for it personally one way or the other, though it would explain the rejection of original sin–the Jews I've known and read about just haven't incorporated the doctrine in the same way Christians have.
Mr. thalarctos thinks it's more "Jesus freak" than "Jews for Jesus"-y, for what that's worth.
Etha Williams says
re: Spirit in the Sky —
Greenbaum had previously been a member of psychedelic jug band Dr. West's Medicine Show and Junk Band. When they split up he won a solo contract with producer Erik Jacobsen, who had previously worked successfully with The Lovin' Spoonful. He was inspired to write the song after watching Porter Wagoner on TV singing a gospel song. Greenbaum later said : "I thought, 'Yeah, I could do that,' knowing nothing about gospel music, so I sat down and wrote my own gospel song. It came easy. I wrote the words in 15 minutes."
"Spirit in the Sky" contains lyrics about the afterlife, making several references to Jesus. However, Greenbaum, who identifies himself as Jewish, stated that he had no particular religious intentions with the song. He simply wanted to reach a bigger market. In fact, the line "Never been a sinner, I never sinned" runs counter to the Christian concept of sin.
"It came easy. I wrote the words in 15 minutes."
mmm.
sweet, delicious, irony.
*slurp*
Pinball King says
PEOPLE, THERE IS SO MUCH GREAT CHRISTIAN ROCK OUT THERE! Just none in the last 30 years. Try: Holy Fuzz, Fraction "Moonblood", The Exkursions, Earthen Vessel "Hard Rock", Krystil, Joshua, Concrete Rubber Band, Wilson McKinley, New Creation "Troubled", The Search Party "Montgomery Chapel", Larry Norman "Just Visiting This Planet", Rez, Azitis, etc., etc.