Forgive me but I have to ask... Have you enjoyed being able to watch the telly again?
No, all the things I missed about lay-life seem to be not as good as I remembered them to be, when I was a monk.
I should write about this actually, an update now that I've been back in the worldly world for 3 months.
Good question. I will compose an answer and respond in a while.
Well done for disrobing. Lay life is better these days than being a monk. I have resolved not to be a monk myself -- at best I may try it for a brief period if I'm not in a relationship. Monasticism is not as good anymore.
One week ago I disrobed and returned to "normal" life.
I have been at monasteries and meditation centres for a total of 6 years, at Bodhinyana monastery for 4 years 6 months, two years as a full bhikkhu, a year and a half as a novice, and a year-and-a-bit as an anagarika. I've spent more than a year and six months in intensive silent retreat. And now it's time to go!
(ONE:)	After 6 years living in various monasteries and meditation centres, I have decided that I am Buddhist, I am a meditator, but I am NOT an ascetic, or renunciant.
I just don't like asceticism, renouncing the worldly world. I like the occasional beer. I like music and films and poetry, and great books. I like the company of women. I enjoy hiking up rugged mountains, riding bikes, exploring new places, swimming on a hot summer's day, and growing vegetables in the garden. I would like to go sailing with my father, while he is still alive and healthy enough. And I want to go hiking with my mother, who has just turned 70.
(TWO)	I used to love coming to the monastery and staying for a few months each year, when I was a layperson. Now it seems like a bit of a chore. I used to love meditating, but now that it is my job I don't like it so much. I want to go back to that time when I liked being at the monastery and meditating without pressure or outside expectation. I want to get away from this feeling of obligation and the "duty of a bhikkhu" to be like this or that. It's not possible to chill out and act natural. I have to be so composed and artifical all the time. No burping around laypeople, no loud laughter, no humming a happy tune. No running from place to place from simple exuberance and energy, or having a normal innocent conversation with a woman.
I have to pretend to be "nice", when most of the time I don't feel like being "nice" at all. I'm a "real" person, not a "nice" person.
I'm tired of playing the role of "Restrained Ascetic Theravada Bhikkhu", and just want to be myself.
I know Ajahn says "Don't try to be the perfect monk, just be yourself", but when you actually do that, people raise eyebrows, frown and tut-tut.
(THREE) Back in my home town I had a really great group of friends. We cared about each other. At the commune if someone was having a hard time, or got into trouble, my friends would be concerned and there would always be someone to help out. We were connected. There was compassion. There was always someone to have a yarn with, deep into the night... either talking enjoyable nonsense for hours about nothing, or talking about deep stuff like spirituality or emotions or relationships. We really cared, and wanted to help each other.
At monasteries each of us have a few genuine friends, but most of the people are just like workmates or colleagues. People who are nice, but you only spend time with them because you work with them. That's not enough. I want to return to the community I left, and rebuild those friendship connections.
Go back to New Zealand, get a temporary job, maybe tour-guiding? Then spend a year at university getting a Post-Graduate Diploma in Primary Teaching, then become a schoolteacher.
Buy a sailboat! Live on it, and sail a lot. I would like a huge yacht, but my budget probably extends only to a 8.5m keeler, with one bedroom, a kitchen-lounge, and shower and toilet. It's like living in a big caravan, except it floats.
The monastery said I'd be welcome back any time, and I left them on very good terms. I'm still Buddhist and a meditator, just not a monk. So who knows... maybe in a few years I will be reminded of how meaningless the "real world" is, and will go back... maybe!
> A feeling of brotherhood, of being in community.
> Not buying into the bulls#%t of worldly values = social status, fancy house, nice car, the best toys.
Whatever path you choose, I hope it goes well for you.
In the previous tradition I practiced in there was a lot of pressure do go into monastic retreat, I did not have the time or money to do so. Then I finally found a teacher in a tradition with an emphasis on lay practice and it's all been smooth sailing since then. No unnecessary pressure at all and no punches pulled in the practices.
Monasticism is not as good anymore.
I am sure this just your personal opinion.
I think finding a good teacher is not easy.
If you find the right teacher the monasticism could be a great idea.
Another thing is you should be well prepared for it.
Many people become monks for wrong reasons.
I still think Stephan will be a monk one day.
Any plans to ordain again J?
It's tempting.... but no. Not yet anway.
But I'm booked to stay for a month at Bodhinyanarama Monastery in Wellington, NZ, this winter. It will be the first time I've stayed at a monastery since I disrobed.
I've been doing volunteer work for a few months now at a spiritualist center.
and in those months I'm only able to meditate an hour a day and 5 minutes of puja.
I have a friend who had the same experience. She gave up her science career to go live at a yoga retreat. She spent most of her time doing clerical work she could have done anywhere. She eventually left, went back to school and worked hard to get her science career back.
OTOH, I have a friend who is a Buddhist nun. Before she became a nun she tried to maximize her dhamma practice in her lay life. She gave up dating, lived close to work, and even learned to live without eating dinner so she could squeeze in as much meditation as possible. At that point she had nothing to lose by becoming a nun and a lot of support to gain.
The thing to do with going monastic is to work hard to find and get the "gigs" that allow you to spend the maximum amount of time to meditation.
Not to pressure you but I think it'd be awesome if you gave us an update and maybe said a little more about your experience as a monk.
Ya, time really is slipping by. Soon!
Hey James, just read through the post and would love to hear your follow up on post monastery life. You mentioned a few pages back that what you imagined lay life to be wasn't as sweet as you imagined. I resonate with this, as sometimes on longer retreats I can get side tracked with various things (e.g., ooo man, can't wait to eat some greasy chips and burgers when I get out vs getting out and not enjoying them as I imagined).. Would love to hear how things are a year after disrobing.
Hi James, this aspect of the topic is most interesting to me and I'm really hoping to hear an update on how that has unfolded for you. Thanks and hope you are well brother!