My attempt with guys are disastrous, i must be really impossible, i'm starting to think. Today i listened to my heart for long since misunderstandings happens every day in my life and i often don't even know what i want and what i'm doing. I don't want to hurt other people nor myself.
I simply want it now: a relationship based on true feelings, respect, support and empathy....but at the same time with no obligations and not too "oppressive". I don't want sexual adventures either coz they just leave me empty and soulless.
There's nothing i can do, i've tried different ways to relate myself with a man but i can't, i'm not able. After some hours spent together i feel depressed, frozen and annoyed by his presence, and they perceive it. Or i tell them i just want to have fun (which is not true), or that i need my spaces.
The result is: a disaster.
When i say nothing it's even worse coz they have expectations that i will disappoint.
What should i do then?? I think since the beginning i should say what i really feel: i want feelings, authentiticy and support, and at the same time space and no obligations, no official relationship.
Is it crazy? Is it selfish?? I can imagine no other that could make me feel comfortable. Could i ever find a partner like that?!
You have a child and had a long term relationship, that hardly makes you 'impossible' or that your attempts with guys are disaterous.
Maybe you just haven't found the right guy for you. I done dating and found i felt oppressed, bored and just had to be polite to hang around long enough. This was NOTHING to do with the guys (they were all nice) but the fact that they didn't ping with me (i wanted someone else).
You may have to just be patient, maybe get some counselling so you can talk this through with a real live person.
It sounds like you are trying to justify yourself to guys, and giving yourself an escape loophole "i just want to have fun" .
Also it sounds like you aren't confident in problem solving skills and managing conflict so the option of 'being free" is one where you can avoid having to deal with things that are either uncomfortable for you or when disagreements arise. Forward thinking too much "if i say nothing it will make things worse".
With trying different ways to relate to a man, don't, just be yourself, ie, talk about what your kid is doing, how your work is, how you feel about pollution and unemployment and the fact that bees are dying off (ie, things you're interested in) and that is that.
If you like someone, don't focus on what freedoms you might lose, just go out for a bit of dinner, talk, and let it take its own course. Don't blab out 'i don't want a committed relationship' as you can decide on these things as you go along. Eventually you will find whether this person will impinge on your freedoms you want.
Maybe you just need to go for a nice horse ride? Slow trail. It is a great starting point i think. Covers feelings of space/freedom/excitement/fun/relaxation/closeness to another creature requires empathy, consideration/communication without words/getting close to nature etc.
far_eastofwest wrote: Don't blab out 'i don't want a committed relationship' as you can decide on these things as you go along.
On the flip side, this reminds me of my first date with my husband 26 years ago. I was 17, he was 21 and after just a few hours he says something to the effect of- I don't date women who date other guys, so if you want to date me we have to be exclusive. I agreed, but also thought, "yeah, right, if someone else comes along I want to date, then that is what will happen. He'll deal with it or leave!" Obviously, it worked out, but I only agreed at the time, because I want to see where the relationship would go.
far_eastofwest wrote: You have a child and had a long term relationship, that hardly makes you 'impossible' or that your attempts with guys are disaterous.
Very interesting post i have to say, you gave me good inputs.
Then i simply felt bored, annoyed, oppressed, simply not-free....he was afraid to lose me and controlled everything of me, was very jealous and stuff...i was too unhappy and went away...all i wanted was freedom coz i had everything but freedom with my ex. Ok this is my story.
You say i'm not able to solve conflicts....i think it's not even so, when i want i try to solve problems with dear persons (friends), the point is that i have that feeling with an eventual partner that he's "sucking my vital energy", like a vampyr...it's so weird, that there 's nothing i can do than go away, or act like an easy woman, or become extremely sad that i can't talk anymore, like i was at a funeral (it happened just 2 days ago).
In the first hours or not more than 1-2 days i feel interested and emotioned, then an obscure feeling of being almost "strangled" comes back, i feel too unhappy, i lose all the interest and feel annoyed and almost hostile, i guess. The unhappiness is so strong, i have to distance myself from the guy.
Btw you told me to talk about my interests....well i do that for long, as long as we talk about music, travels, economy, arts, life stories i feel happy and comfortable....but then when there's a kind of sentimental closeness i have to destroy everything, because it makes me feel like a slave.
I don't use to say "i don't want a committed relationship", i usually say nothing and let things happened...but when i'm asked to say what i want, telling "i don't want a committed relationship" makes me feel quiet again, and happy. This means that it's what my real Being want now, i'm sure of it.
For 7 years of my life, with my previous "true partners" (i mean really committed rel.) i was never let alone in peace, i always found that kind of controllor/policeman by my side, but why?? It's disgusting, i never want again to live in a prison, and at that time i didn't even flirt with someone nor had social life. I should stay at home with my "boyfriend" and nothing else existed...nothing else than a prison.
But i feel deep inside of my heart that i simply haven't found the right person for me, that's all. Meanwhile i prefer being free and a bit silly than being content with someone i don't like much.
Sounds like you've kinda worked it out.
No doubt you will meet someone compatable when you are least expecting it.
i like it, its about control (thats what i think other may have a different interpretation) you may like it.
far_eastofwest wrote: Sounds like you've kinda worked it out.
Another reflection: some of the guys i met recently, especially one, is almost a dream man i dare say: in this 30s, beautiful like an angel, very cultivated and charismatic...i met him only once at work and gave him my email...he lives 500 km from me...he writes me nice things that he has forgotten me and stuff...i like him very much, but still when i think of being "committed" i feel that obscure bad emotion...but if i imagine myself with him in "freedom" then i feel extremely happy....so it might be the way i love, i'm starting to think. In this moment of my life i can't see by my side any man, not even the most beautiful and charismatic in the world. But i could be wrong and change idea one day.