Sometimes the words and actions of people who have hurt you may feel so vicious that the thought of forgiving them seems like an impossible human feat. No matter how hard you try, you may feel that you cannot reconcile your feelings about them, nor understand how anyone could act in such unkind ways. It is only human to feel angered and upset when we are on the receiving end of someone's cruel words and actions. What is self-destructive is not that we have these feelings – it is that we hold onto them. Most of us tend to hold the illusion that forgiveness is something that we are being asked to give to an undeserving person, so one of the best ways to prepare yourself to be a forgiving person is to see forgiveness in a more truthful light.
Forgiveness always begins with self.
Believe it or not, the person you most need to forgive for any situation in which you have been hurt is yourself – not because you are "wrong," but because you have made choices which have not been aligned with your soul's need for inner truth and self-respect. By forgiving yourself, it becomes easier to forgive others and to move out of the victimhood perception. It's all part of our spiritual growth.
You may find it very liberating to realize that you do not need to feel warmly toward people who have hurt you, nor do you need to understand their actions, in order to forgive. You may even make a healthy decision that it is not in your best interest to be in the physical presence of people who have hurt you deeply.
When someone behaves in a harmful, manipulative way, it is very important to understand that they are projecting from THEIR reservoir of fears. The way they are treating you is exactly the way they feel about themselves. This is why self-love is so essential in that it forms the foundation for how we treat everyone around us. When we focus on someone else's negative behavior by responding the same way, we compound the problem by reinforcing their fears and our own. We then step into the darkness of the other person's world of fear, rather than bringing illumination to the situation. Instead of inviting the other person to our space of peace, we hurt ourselves by stepping into their chaos.
We learn and grow from our relationships.
No matter how angry we may feel toward someone, there are no accidents; there is a reason for every single interaction we have with anyone, whether pleasant or not. They are teaching us, and we are teaching them. We can perceive even our most painful experiences as growth opportunities by asking ourselves, "What am I experiencing through this person that I need to learn?" The things that irritate us about someone else are a reflection of something we need to see within ourselves in order to mature in our spirituality. We may realize that this person is reminding us our need to develop more self-esteem or exposing our own need to be more patient and forgiving. It could also be that we recognize that what this person is doing that is causing us pain is the same thing we have to someone else in the past. The important thing is that when we view our relationship issues in this way, we are learning from, rather than judging the other person.
When you withhold forgiveness and choose to ignore the messages that are coming to you in the form of relationships, the universe will continue to present you with people and circumstances based on the same theme until you become aware of what you need to know. It is as though you are in a play and the same actor exits and comes back on stage again wearing a new outfit. Once you accept the lessons you are learning through your relationships, you are likely to free yourself from living through the same painful emotional patterns over and over again.
you no longer allow them to control your life.
If you are holding back on forgiving someone, chances are you are making them the center of your attention. This means that you continue to re-experience the self-damaging emotions of pain, anger, and resentment every time you think of that person, which is probably most of the time. Why give anyone that kind of power over your life? Take back your power to live your life with all the potential that exists in present time.
Forgiveness is a form of neutral, unconditional love.
Forgiveness is not a warm, fuzzy emotion. It is a neutral, compassionate emotion that acknowledges that we are all connected as one human family. When you choose to forgive someone, you are acknowledging that every single person on earth, no matter who they are or how they conduct themselves, is part of humanity and, therefore, a part of who you are. In other words, you stop focusing on the objectionable physical actions of others by looking at a soul level, beneath their negative behavior.
The bottom line is that forgiveness is something we do for OURSELVES! It is the most effective way we can free ourselves from self-defeating old patterns from the past and step into the infinite potential that we can only discover in present time. When we do this, we are blessing ourselves and everyone in our lives by placing a greater priority on love and inner peace than on revenge and self-righteousness.
In next week's blog, Part 2, we will discuss a simple exercise that will empower you to make forgiveness a part of your daily life.
Vulnerability is a word that tends to have a very negative connotation in our society. The associations that come to mind when we think of vulnerability are: susceptible to being wounded or hurt; being open to attack and criticism. Vulnerability is one of those words that society (and the dictionary) has labeled as a "negative emotion" and one to avoid at all costs.
As a result of these perceptions, the automatic response that most of us have to the mere thought of being vulnerable is to shield ourselves from any potential attack on our energy by putting up an emotional wall around ourselves. We may even think that if we can protect ourselves from being hurt by someone else's thoughts, words, and actions, eventually we won't feel any pain.
This seemingly self-protective strategy ultimately backfires because when we become numb to pain, we also become numb to experiencing the flow of joy and love in our lives. Putting emotional armor around ourselves actually creates a disconnect between the head and the heart. Every human being is vulnerable because we all want and need to be loved and accepted. If we deny our own vulnerability, how can we possibly have empathy and compassion for other human beings? Empathy and compassion are not experienced in our heads; rather, these self-empowering emotions can only be fully experienced through the heart.
you are judging yourself for not being perfect.
When you judge yourself, you feel afraid that others will judge you as well. In an effort to "protect" yourself from having your perceived weaknesses being seen by others, you then have to hide all the parts of yourself that you don't like by stuffing these fearful emotions somewhere into your mind and body. Ironically, in this futile attempt to "protect" yourself from others, you actually hurt yourself. By not bringing these hidden fears into the light of awareness, eventually your repressed feelings will surely erupt into mental, emotional, and physical pain and suffering.
trapped inside of us that we are afraid to express.
2. Admit when you don't understand something – Many times we repeat the same unproductive patterns because we are afraid we will be judged as "stupid" if we ask more questions.
3. Express your honest feelings in a kind, respectful way – This applies equally to situations where you think that what you have to say is not going to be popular.
4. Tell the truth – even if it is something so small that no one would know the difference. Complete honesty creates self-respect and encourages others to do the same.
5. Ask for help when you feel you can't handle the work load – We don't need to sacrifice our health and well being to prove to the world that we are capable or indestructible.
6. Take responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions – When you feel you have hurt someone, face up to it by offering an apology. You will feel better, and so will the other person.
Vulnerability does not mean rolling over and allowing yourself to be kicked around. Expressing your vulnerability is actually an amazing strength that involves standing up for yourself by completely accepting all the parts of who you are – the beautiful and the unattractive parts, the strong and the weak aspects, as well as the successes and the failures that you have experienced.
If we do not judge ourselves harshly, then it follows that we will not be critical of others. When we accept our Whole Self – warts and all – we open the path for genuine communication in all of our relationships because it sends the signal to others that it is OK for them to be imperfect as well. It is an acknowledgment of the truth that we accept something we humans all have in common – we are each here on earth to learn and to grow.
When we are willing to be vulnerable, we are giving ourselves permission to be seen in our entirety. Through this complete acceptance of self, we begin to comprehend the true meaning of unconditional love – for ourselves and others.
Unconditional love is, indeed, the ultimate in self-protection.
Nothing creates separation and discord among human beings more than when we judge each other. While this is true, judge is a word that causes confusion for many of us.
On the other hand, most of us would agree that we certainly need to use our judgment skills to navigate through this very complicated, polarized physical world of experience.
Wow! When we apply these definitions to how we engage with other people, it brings up a lot of questions. For example, who among us is the one person who is supremely qualified to decide on the worth of anything? Who among us appreciates being criticized or censured? And, how about, who among us is the ultimate judge of who is a winner?
In order to understand what is meant by letting go of judgment of others, we need to adopt a more neutral interpretation of the word judge. Rather than construing the word judge in a polarized way that involves attacking or assessing the value of another person, we can rise to a higher perspective by perceiving judgment as an act of discernment. We need to use our skills of judgment to discern situations, opportunities, agreements, and decisions to determine what is in our greatest good.
How do we differentiate between the polarized perception of judge versus the more enlightened, neutral interpretation?
A good point of reference to determine this is to ask ourselves, "What is the source of my judgment?" If it is coming from an intuitive space guiding us to make choices that are in our greatest good, we are most likely coming from a space of spiritual integrity. When we judge from this neutral perspective, we are assessing and evaluating objective things, such as a baseball game, a career opportunity, deciding on a financial investment, or choosing which college to attend. If we find ourselves subjectively judging another person, then the source of our judgment is coming from ego in that we have determined our superiority over some else. When we do this, we are, in essence, proclaiming ourselves to be the expert in someone else's life. The ego perspective implies that we think we have the answers to someone else's problems. Judging others is usually a sign that we have decided someone else needs to act the way we want them to. We are saying we are right, and someone else is wrong, which almost always creates conflict.
How can we let go of judging others?
We begin by reaching into our hearts (not our heads) to remember compassion. Compassion is a deep level of kindness in which we are open to trying to understand where other people are coming from by putting ourselves in their shoes. We acknowledge that we have not experienced their victories, their losses, their relationships, and their pain. We draw on our own experiences to understand other people more than we seek for others to understand us. We practice treating other people the way we want to be treated. We also take responsibility for the fact that when we judge another, we are also judging ourselves. Whatever we find annoying in another person is an aspect that, to a greater or lesser degree, we need to heal within ourselves.
Being non-judgmental requires that we choose to look beneath the behaviors we are witnessing and focus on the soul level of our fellow humans. There is a principle called the "Pygmalion Effect" (from the popular book of the same name or the movie, "My Fair Lady") that exemplifies this state of grace. This principle states that if we expect the best from another and communicate such to them, they will respond by adjusting their behavior to match. The main idea concerning The "Pygmalion Effect" is that if you believe that someone is capable of achieving greatness, then you have created a space of potential for that person to achieve greatness. Stated simply, when we let go of judging others, we focus on the goodness (Godness) within everyone, rather than what is wrong with them. When we practice being non-judgmental, we offer others the opportunity to find themselves and to meet us partway.
I welcome your comments, insights, and experiences on how we can let go of judgment of others.