Pinnock reminds us that adults "are programmed to protect" and so sometimes struggle to let young people make their own decisions. It's important, however, that young people learn to be independent and take control over their own lives and story. Mistakes will, of course, be made, "but you have to allow for the natural consequences of a young person's decision," and that the time for exploring with them what went wrong is later.
While engaging adolescents it's important to get them to open up and share their story so a new one can be paved. For many young people, especially those from traumatic backgrounds living in disadvantaged communities, sharing their story with an adult is difficult. Pinnock points out that this is often due to young people thinking they "have nothing to tell because their story is one of pain and shame and is hidden." Being in honest dialogue with young people is the bedrock on which all else grows, and one way to create this foundation is to show how your own story parallels their own ("You need to let them know you understand and have been there before"); which, in turn, nurtures empathy.
Paying attention and being present is key and by listening actively you can slowly start to weave trust into the relationship. "A young person feels respected and cared for when someone listens to them," and if you're putting distracting thoughts out of your mind, asking appropriate questions, paying attention to their body language, and generally avoid judging them in the process, then you're more likely to fully engage with them in a trustworthy relationship.
Adolescents are very good at picking up if someone is being genuine or not, so if you're not being honest they may detect it and hold back or disengage entirely. Being genuine means "being truthful and honest about how you feel and not trying to put up a front or be false, but absolutely 'yourself'." If you approach young people honestly you will avoid sending them mixed signals and help foster a healthier relationship that's conducive to assisting them to take control over their own story.
This is a particularly difficult point. Having empathy is when "you feel as though you yourself are having the same emotional experience," it's about trying to walk a mile in their shoes, as the saying goes. Sympathy, on the other hand, is when we feel sorry for them, but it "doesn't show that you understand how they feel." Showing genuine empathy, not sympathy, is about feeling with them.