Friends are like recipes. Finding the right ones will improve your life beyond measure.
Living in South Carolina for 6 months taught me one thing. Whenever someone is facing a hard time, bring them a meal.
A death in the family? Bring a meal.
Newborn baby that won't sleep? Bring a meal.
So when my dear friend, mother of 7, broke her ankle while going for a run, (dear Lord) it was a no-brainer.Thankfully I already had a double portion of Ropa Vieja in the crock pot.
I had to laugh. Basically I dumped five different ingredients into a crock pot and walked away for 10 hours. I don't know if that qualifies for culinary genius. But if I were to take credit for anything it would be this. After 14 years of cooking for my family, I have developed a good sense of how to pick a recipe. Oftentimes I will have a craving, google a dish, and sort through a few recipes looking for the one that best suits our tastes. But nearly every time I will have to make some minor changes. Some are too spicy, so I leave out the red pepper. Some have processed ingredients, so I make some healthier substitutions.
Being the best cook you can be is mostly about finding the right recipe.
Just like being the best person you can be is mostly about finding the right friends.
So much of who I am is because of the friends that God had placed in my life. In other words, these friends make me look better than I really am.
Somebody once told me, "You are a really good mom." But the truth is I am only half the mom my mother was to me. I just had a really good recipe.
Somebody once told me, "You are really funny." But the truth is I'm only half as funny as my friends Julie and Amy. I just found a really good recipe.
Someone once told me, "You are a really good listener," But the truth is I'm only half the listener that my friend Carrie is. I just found a really good recipe.
It is a well-known fact that you will become like the people with whom you surround yourself. In Proverbs 13:20 we read that he who walks with wise men will be wise.
Another important aspect of being a good cook is realizing that few recipes are a perfect fit. For instance in the Ropa Vieja recipe, I decided to leave out the ketchup. I had olives instead of pepper, so I added those. Even though the initial recipe wasn't perfect, I knew that I could overlook the differences and take from it what was good.
This is also true of my friendships. Even my dearest friends have attributes that I could do without. Maybe some are a little spicier than I am comfortable with or a little too processed! Ha! But in my 30+ years of choosing friends, I have come to learn that I have a lot to learn, and God has placed these people in my life to teach me. However if I throw away a good relationship because of a spicy character trait, I could be missing a huge opportunity.
One truth we cannot deny is that opposites attract. This is a blessing in disguise. God knows I need organized people in my life to learn from. However they may have other attributes that could possibly.. maybe… slightly.. kind of annoy me. (Sorry it's true.) And sometimes you have to ignore those feelings and move on! If you only ever cook chicken nuggets because they are easy and you know you like them, well… you are just plain missing out on life! Similarly, if you only befriend people that are just like you, you will never become who God intends for you to be.
Of course there are situations when a relationship is simply unhealthy, and you really do need to walk away for a period of time, maybe even a long period of time. But more often than not, when it is just a common every day disagreement, you may find that if you stash a recipe away, you may acquire a taste for it later when your taste buds have matured. Sometimes you discover that if you just take an antacid after a spicy meal you can tolerate it better! Some recipes are on the regular weekly rotation, and some are just for every once and a while.
Sanctification is a long and arduous process. Thankfully God chose to use sweet (and spicy) friendships to bring us closer to him. If you throw a whole recipe out because of one ingredient you will be missing out on becoming a great cook. Likewise if you regularly discard friendships because of a quirk, a weakness, or a difference, you will miss out on walking in the fullness of who God has designed you to be. For two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
The person we lost is still alive.
Maybe you know what I am feeling. Maybe you have felt the gut wrenching pain of abandonment or dealt with the overwhelming pain from a loved ones' addiction. It is rejection on top of loss. This person chooses to leave you. Their sin, their addiction, their pride is more important than you. And that stings.
Years of deception and manipulation cause you to question what was ever real. And once questionable behavior now makes sense.
Some people use the Bible to guilt you into some pseudo form of forgiveness that pretends nothing happened so you can appear more loving, I mean, for Pete's sake you are a Christian! BE LOVING!
Other people think you are stupid for holding out hope. Someone who has lied for over a decade can never be trusted. How could you believe them if they came back anyway?
Unless…… maybe, they make a huge 180 degree change, you tell yourself. And you've seen that happen right? You have read the books, watched the movies, heard the testimonies. The prodigal son returns. He runs back, realizing the error of his ways, willing to be a slave just to be back with his father.
Every day you wake up thinking, surely, today they will choose us. Today will be that blockbuster moment when they burst through the door and declare that they will do whatever it takes to earn back your trust, to prove to you their love, to make everything right. But that day never comes. There is no running back. Every once in a while there is a tiny "improvement" that looks more like manipulation then actual change. But that's it.
So we take deep breaths, and swing on the pendulum between forgiveness and fear. Fear they will never change. Fear they already have.
There has to be something I can do, you tell yourself. Some words with which you can persuade. You keep hoping your reasoning will be received. Your arguments will be understood. This time. Yet they never are. There are always more excuses. Maybe you, like me, have no more tears.
When someone dies you are allowed to mourn. You are encouraged to mourn. You can post things on Facebook and receive a virtual hug. You can express anger, and people understand. People bring meals and send flowers. They come to a service and cry with you. But when you are mourning a secret loss, when you are supposed to have faith that your lost loved one will be found, when you are worried about gossip and "covering sins," it is very lonely. When you run into acquaintances , you wonder, do they know? Answering "good" when you just feel beat down gets tiresome.
However I will continue to post happy family pictures for one reason. I have a really happy family. I have so much for which to be thankful . I am gratefully aware of my many blessings and live accordingly. Nevertheless, there is also an underlying ache as we live in this strange place between blessing and burden. Deep down my children are confused and conflicted. My husband and I have cried and struggled to find solace in each others arms instead of letting our broken hearts divide us. It is a difficult line to walk. And sharing your pain makes people uncomfortable. However, expressing our heart aches and being real lets others carry our burdens with us and sometimes for us. I have found camaraderie with other broken sojourners, who were also carrying burdens not shared on social media outlets.
While I still have no desire or need to publish every feeling good or bad on social media, sometimes, you just have to get real. As Christians, there can be a pressure to sugar coat everything never admitting you have any feelings. The problem with that is two fold. One, it promotes this unrealistic expectation of perfection. Secondly, we were never called to walk this life alone. Sharing my situation with others gave them permission to share their hurt with me. And now we pray for each other. There is power there. And healing continues. So many people are hiding their grief in the name of being a good Christian instead of telling the truth and bearing burdens.
Jesus said that the truth will set you free. He is the Truth that sets us free. He modeled radical and uncomfortable honesty for us. And I pray that Christians everywhere will just start telling the truth. When you are hiding your struggles or your pain, the enemy wins. But…speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Amen!
Have you ever said a word over and over again, like 10 or 20 times, until it starts to sound weird and you wonder if it is even a real word anymore? That's how I feel about about the answers I give to the homeschooling questions I get day after day. I have said these answers so many times over the last ten years, I wonder if they are even really true. And to be honest, some of them are only half true.
Question 1: How do you get it all done?
Typical Answer 1 : Well, school work really doesn't take 6 hours like it does in traditional school because in a classroom, you have to deal with discipline and 30 students asking questions, going to the bathroom, handing out papers, walking to the lunchroom, and so forth.So an average homeschooling student can finish all their work before noon.
TRUTH: We have never finished before noon. Ever. Sometimes we don't even finish before bed. But my attention span is definitely less than average. And my children are not average. And there are so many of them. So there's that. However, I do know home-schoolers that attain this unicorn type "finish before noon" status regularly, but they are not average either.
Question 2: How do you keep your kids from fighting all day?
Typical Answer 2: The reason typical school siblings fight so much is because at school they are divided into specific age groups, and they lose the ability to interact with other ages. However home school kids regularly interact with all ages from babies to adults and learn best how to get a long. Also, when they have disagreements I am there to help them with the skills of debate and guide their reconciliation.
TRUTH: Sometimes they fight like banshees. Can't get a long for 5 minutes in a row. So I separate each child into a different room, grab the chocolate, lock myself in the bathroom, and text a friend.
Question 3: Do you have a lot of patience?
Answer: Well, I didn't always have a lot of patience, but patience is a muscle and homeschooling gives me the opportunity to exercise it a lot. So I have a lot more patience now then I used to.
TRUTH: Like the Apostle Paul, I am the chief of sinners, and sometimes I can get frustrated and fully blow it. And then I feel such deep regret knowing I would never permit a teacher to talk to my child the way I just did, and I wonder if I will ever be the teacher they deserve.
Question 4: Were you a teacher?
Answer 4: Yes, actually I taught high school math, but some of the best home school moms were never teachers. You don't have to be an expert in a subject, you only have to be an expert in your child.
TRUTH: Having taught math I have a HUGE advantage. Sure you can learn as you go, but most parents give up by high school because it is a LOT of work to learn Chemistry, Algebra 2 and Latin. You CAN do it, but most parents don't have the time or motivation, so if you continue to home school through high school, you will likely end up paying for some type of tutoring or home school class at least once a week.
Question 5: How do your kids socialize?
Answer 5: Lack of socialization is a common misconception. With all the co-ops, homeschooling groups, sports, ballet, church, and field trips, we socialize too much!!
TRUTH: While there are many opportunities to get together in groups, the reality for our family is that it has been difficult to find that kindred friend for each of my children. I have five. And scheduling play dates for 5 children is more than I am capable of. Some of my kids don't have that "best friend," and it makes me sad sometimes. I have heard other parents say the same.
Yes, there is truth to all of my "typical" answers, but the snippets with which I respond in the line at Publix do not tell the whole story. They are true enough for the moment. But when you are in the trenches, if you are daily trying live up to these idealistic answers, it will make you want to throw in the towel.
and they are cranky from sun up to sun down and beyond.
and you lost your patience….again.
and you have to hire a "professional" tutor.
and your kid is lonely.
The truth is that homeschooling is HARD WORK. It is amazing work. It is fulfilling work. It is fruitful work. But it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and there are no signs that it will get any easier. And as is the case with most anything in life, the best results come from a lot of hard work.
Focusing on an ideal and comparing it with real life can cause you to doubt your calling. But God did not call you to live up to an ideal. He called you to obedience. Homeschooling, and specifically Classical Conversations is the best thing that has ever happened to our family, even when our day is not ideal. And that's the truth!
39 Things I was Wrong About.
Today is my birthday. I am 39. I know your not supposed to tell your age as a woman, but I think that is ridiculous. Some ladies have told me that when I am older, I won't feel the same way, but my sweet Sicilian friend is 98, and not only does she proudly tell her age, she even rounds up six months after her birthday!
My favorite thing about getting older is finding out all the things I was wrong about. I know that sounds odd, but man, I was a really dumb teenager, and only a slightly less dumb 20 something, so being able to look back and see how wrong I was means I am learning something! And that is something to celebrate! Some are silly, borderline stupid. Some are heavy, and somewhat controversial. You may think I was right the first time, and worry that I am wrong now! But with no further ado, and in no particular order…here's my 39.
So there you have it. When I started writing this, I got stuck at 6 and started to think this was a really dumb idea. But now that I started, I could go on and on. But one fact on which I have never wavered was that God sent His Son Jesus to earth, fully God and fully man. He lived a perfect life. He died on the cross for our sins and rose again 3 days later so that we could be forgiven of every wrong we ever committed. His Word is true, trustworthy, and verifiable. And while my list of "wrongs" will continue until I breathe my last breath, the day I made Him Lord of my life, He made all my wrongs right. Here's to 39 more years of learning!