I read stories that pull my heart from my body.
I feel each mother's pain.
I feel my own pain. It will never leave me. I know this to be true.
I have carried 32 embryos in 16 IVF treatments. Some for only days. Some for a few weeks. Some for months. I have been a mother for 9 weeks, 10 weeks, 13 weeks, and for 15 weeks. I have have been pregnant 4 times. I have lost 7 babies.
I have put on my "happy face" and was a good friend to my good friends on the birth of their children.
My best friend has had 3 children through IVF.
She started IVF after I did. Her oldest is now 7. I was at her baby's christening 3 days after I lost our twins at 13 weeks. I thought if I didn't go I would never go.
I see children everyday. I see mothers everyday. I see mothers pregnant everyday. I teach young children everyday. And I am so excited for them and rejoice in their pregnancies and delight in their children's birth.
And I cry in secret everyday. Everyday.
I never gave up hope until there was no hope - ever.
I have had the support of my beautiful husband who has two children in their 30's. He's only 52 and I have only known him for 10 years.
I am not the person I was and I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore.
I wonder all the time. I had one natural pregnancy. Did I do the right thing continuing IVF ...16 times... 32 embryos...how do you really know when to give up hope? Should I have tried number 17? Should I have stopped at number 3? Should I try again.
I wonder if I will ever see my babies. I wonder if I caused their death. I wonder if I did something better would they be here with me today. I wonder if I was a mother. I wonder how I will keep going now we have decided to stop? I wonder what to do with my life? I wonder what is the meaning of my life? I think there is no meaning. I think too much.
I just wanted to send you love and a wish for peace.
My heart breaks for you and I understand every thought and feeling you have had. One of my dearest friends is walking your path right now. Love and peace to you - you did everything right, sometimes it's not meant to be and that simply is not fair.
I have wondered if anyone would share who had lost a whole bunch of precious little souls. I stopped counting, it seemed ridiculous!
I have been fortunate to have many children, but they don't fill the gap where the others should be. Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly grateful for them all. My heart breaks for you who would love to have one to hold and care for, to carry all the way as so many take for granted.
Please be gentle on yourself, you did nothing wrong.