I appreciate your interest in our church and your willingness to do business with us. In our area there are many Mormons who consider us freaks, and our Pennsylvania sect has been threatened with Amish Jihad. If you are serious about doing business with us, we may like to open a branch of our church in your homeland.
You see, we are forbidden to have money, women and guns...all money belongs to the Church and is to be used to do God's work. Accordingly, all money must be deposited into the account of the Church, and must have the approval of a Priest (titled "Father") or above. But do not worry; you can trust Father Guido.
I have only told two people (actually, wrote them notes, because we cannot speak) about this transaction: Father Guido, and Brother Ted. Brother Ted is our Keeper of Records. I* am the Communications Director, which is why it is my email address you contacted.
We are so excited about this money you wrote us about that Father Guido almost talked! But I honestly do not know if you will want to work with us; we have strict rules about people we deal with. They do not have to belong to our church, but they have to abide by certain rules.
Please also bear in mind that we live in a very rural area with no running water and are located miles from the nearest town. It takes us a long time to receive mail, so email is the preferred method of communication.
I await your next communication, Brother Abba.
That was as far as I got before my side split in two.
I have read your proposal and find it intriguing. Where is my burrito? I will be more than happy to help you with the modalities of this transaction. It is in the microwave. Let me know anything I can do to help you.
I wonder if he will ask about the burrito.
"Drop dead, Rimmer." "Already have done." "Encore!"
RELEASE OF FIFTY-FIVE MILLION,SIX HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS($55,600,000.00) ONLY ON ACCOUNT NUMBER 1 4 - 2 2 5 / u t b / t OF MR SEAN BUNKE.
I hereby humbly request for the telegraphic transfer of the sum of Fifty Five Million,Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars($55,600,000.00) held on account number 14 - 2 2 5 / u t b / t of Mr.Sean Bunke . And for this sum to be transferred in favour of the account quoted below.
This request is predicated on the fact that since the death of my cousin , Mr.Sean Bunke ,we the beleaved members of the family have been facing unimaginable trauma due to his demise and we have resolved to immortalise him with what amount is left in his account to achieve his lifelong desire of caring for the needy by donating to charity and humanity. Hence the imperative of this transfer.
I received your email and very much want to get this money for the church, but I am concerned. The application asks for a "Swift Number," and I don't know what that is. I don't want to make a mistake, and I am not a banker or businessman like you; I am a simple man of God. Please tell me what this is, and I will have Brother Ted complete the form.
Also, the form asks for my phone and fax numbers. As I told you, we have no telephone here at the monastery; will this bank even do business with such a simple group as us? Take a chance on me, Brother Abba. Knowing me, knowing you, we can get this done. I will say the Prayer of the Holy Walrus six times for guidance, and Father Guido will say "Mamma Mia."
Complete the application and mail it so far it has the name of your bank with address of the bank and your account number.
I sent it. Now what do I have to do? Will they send you notification, or was I supposed to copy you on the email? I know this is secret, so I wasn't sure if I should "cc" you on the email.
Boy, this guy is really biting. I don't think I've ever had such quick response!
Thank you very much.As soon as you hear from the bank please do contact me so that I can advise you on what to do.
I have been praying for this opportunity for a long. long time. Do you have any idea what kind of good the church can do with this kind of money? I have a little bit of guilt, though.
You and I both know this Mr. Bunke was not my next of kin. Isn't this sort of like lying or stealing? Father Guido wrote me and said that no one would have claimed the money anyway, so the church may as well use it to help us spread the Word of the Holy Walrus and protect us from the persecution of the Mormons, who tempt us with their women although they know we are not allowed their flesh.
I trust Father Guido, but all the same, I wanted to know if you think it would be possible for us to establish a mission in Africa. Where are you located? And if you don't mind my asking, what faith do you follow? Father Guido is rather strict about the people with whom we do business, and has asked me if I thought you could possibly be "one of us." He says your name, "ABBA," is a sign from God that you, like the Dancing Queen of Sweden, are willing to help the Walrus.
Thank you for your guidance, ABBA. Save Me.
Good work Sudsman, you're fit to be an inhabitant of Dogland where absurdity reigns supreme. I hope you make him do something very degrading to prove his faith. Your bait has a surrealist edge to it where conventional norms break down and language means nothing. The lad is playing along because he doesn't know WTF and is hoping for a payday. But faith is more than a payday; faith is a red breast or a sign or inspecting one's bowels and reporting back to Dr. Keller.
An act of faith is needed: He has to believe before he can receive. And his belief has to take the form of action. It looks like you have teed him up splendidly for whatever amusing act of faith you have in store! Maybe it could involve covering himself in actual soap suds on his semi or totally naked body so that he will be a real sudsman.
The "bath of suds" could be the cleansing of baptism. Well, it would make for a great picture!
Thanks, J. Dog...I am humbled.
Believe me, degrading is exactly what I have in mind; however, I'm stringing him along slowly. I think I may have tried to set the hook prematurely in some of my other baits by asking for trophies too early in the process.
Funny how my previous "serious" baits as Dr. Lecter and Jed Clampett/Ron Jeremy have come up short, while the most absurd one (the lyrics to "I Am the Walrus," for Chrissakes) seems to have the guy eating out of my hand.
Maybe he's a Beatles fan.
These guys usually have prepared responses for the first two mails. They don't even read them until they get to about stage 3.
I have not heard back yet from the bank regarding my application. Do you think they will avoid doing business with us because we do not use telephones?
I hope I did not offend you by questioning the legality or morality of this transaction. It's just that I am a man of God who wants to do everything right in the name of the Carpenter and the Walrus. Father Guido has reassured me that everything is OK and the Church will do much good with these millions of dollars that otherwise would have gone unclaimed. He said Mr. Bunke would have wanted it that way.
Well, I must retreat for the weekend; I cannot do business on the Sabbath, and the Walrus insists that Saturdays be set aside for pleasure. He is much like the Buddha in that respect. Brother Ted and I have brewed quite a ferocious batch of ale for the weekend which we will drink in his honour. When one cannot have women, one must find fun elsewhere.
So I guess they did read it.
And my mother from our present predicament.
Is kept from for safekeeping.
Nobody that knows that it is money that is in the box.
on Behalf of my mother and I, from the security company.
soon as this money get to you.
This message. Thank you for your cooperation"
Thank you for your and if you understan my mail you will see that I realyy need your help and if you can help me you will be well compensated at the end of the transaction and beside the money will have to be with you till I have come down to your country for investment.
Thank you and I hope hear from you also if you dont mind and feel you cam help me you can send me your telephone and fax numbers so I can call you as soon as I got them and we can talk so as to explain to you properly all about it ok.
Thank you till I hear from you again.
It really gives me the pleasure to write you this pathetic and emotional heart bleeding mail which i know will come to you as a surprise even though we hardly know each other personally.
You see, I'm a man of few words.
I've got to 2nd reply (identical to yours, of course) with this mugu. PM me your progress.
Thank you very much for your understanding.If you did not hear from the bank by monday please do send a reminder.
We acknowledge receipt of your application, requesting for the telegraphic transfer for the total sum of US$55, 600,000 (Fifty-Five Million, Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)only, from the account name, Burke Sean, Account number, 14-255-2004/utb/t into your overseas account stated in your application.
We are currently going through your claims and will be getting back to you shortly.
Thank you for banking with African development Bank (ADB).
I sure hope we are approved, Brother Abba. You don't think they will find out that I'm not really related to the deceased, do you? I would hate to get in trouble, and the church could really use this money.
Father Guido, Brother Ted and I will be saying the Prayer of the Holy Walrus until I hear from you again. Please pray with us.
Thank you once again for your mail and I want you to know that I quite appriciate it and it will be of a great joy for me iof you can help me and my family get this money so that we can get back to life since our father and former President of kenya is no more and the government of today is not favouring the family and since my father moved some billions of dollars out of the country and tagging them as precious substance so it will not be tampard with by any body and also name from the presidency, all this that were been moved out of this country by my father are all money in hard currency and now that he is no more the government take some of his propert from us.
So my friend all I want you to do is just to stand onbehlf of me and my family to cleard this good from the security company and you will be well compensated at all and be well asure you have no risk involve in this transaction since I will be informing the company that you will be coming to clear our goods from them and I shall also forward to you all the document relating to this money so it will be easy for you to attended to, beside I will also need all your informations so that I can forward them to the company even before you arrive there and may they will even call you to know when you are coming.
I will be very pleased if you can do this form me and my family and like I say you will be well compensated or better still mail me your contact phone number so I can call you and expelain to you proper then I belieave you will understand better. I will expect to hear from you as soon as you get this mail.
I think it is wonderful, how easy it is to make this lad happy. I write "But how?" and he tells me that he "quiet appriciated" my mail.
I said I would ask for the american hard currency next; but I think that is too complicated. I dont want to wind him up with words. Maybe I could answer something like "Sure!". Or do you think "OK!" would be more appropriate?
Well, I�ve heard back from the bank...and guess what? I�m approved!!! I�d better write Dr. Abba with the good news; plus, I�m afraid I�m going to need his help!
You are hereby informed that your request for telegraphic transfer has been approved as attached.
However ,you are advised to provide the following documents upon which reception the bank will remmit your fund to your account designate.
2.The photocopy of the identification pages of your International Passport or driver's license.
3.The Death Certificate of Mr.Bunke Sean.
Hence,we await your response before remittance of the fund commences.
Brother Abba, I don't know what to do. How can I get an affidavit of fact?
Also, I do not have a passport or a driver's license. I never leave the monastery, and have not renewed my license since I was at university.
I have no death certificate.
The fee should not be a problem; I will contact Father Guido about releasing the fee from church funds.
Please advise as to the rest of these demands; I don't think we will be able to do this. You're a businessman; please help!
success and particularly for following my instructions.
3.Photocopy of your Passport or Drivers' License.
4.Fund Release order amount which is mandatory.
The affidavit is sworn to at the Federal High Court of South Africa.
order not to attract so much attention.
routine exercise for proper identification of the beneficialy.
soon as I get the Death Certificate.
so that I can know the person I am dealing with.
You said you can get an attorney to acquire this. No problem.
You said you can get this. Excellent.
This is a problem. As I wrote to you, I have not renewed my driver's license since I was just out of college many years ago. I never leave the monastery and I have no car; therefore I have no driver's license and no passport. I will work on getting you a photo of myself as soon as possible, but I have no official identification of that nature.
This can be achieved. I can have Brother Ted Kaczynski draw up the release order and submit it to Father Guido Sarducci for approval. Father Guido says that the money will be no problem as long as the transaction complies with Church policy.
The Church would be honored to have you as a member, Brother Abba; perhaps we could start a branch right there in South Africa. If you do not wish to join our church, I understand...but then you would have to pay the fund clearance fee for non-members.
Please advise me as to what we should do next.
behalf.Ask him his condition of service.
his contract from the bank.
Please send him a mail immediately.
I await to hear the lawyer's response.
I am writing with regard to my deceased next of kin, Mr. Sean Burke. He left a tidy sum of money at the African Development Bank Plc which I am having transferred to my country by the grace of the Holy Walrus and Jesus the Carpenter.
Before I can get the money, however, I need a sworn affidavit; and since I am not allowed to swear in South Africa I would like to ask you to do it for me. I received your contact from the bank, and they have the utmost confidence in your swearing ability.
Bless you for helping a clergyman in need.
sworn affidavit on your behalf, from the federal high court here.
the bank, I wil then accpet the offer and give you my working terms.
service now, and in the future.
I am blessed to provide you with the details you require so that our church will be able to great things in the world.
* please note: the name was misspelled by the bank as "Bunke." His true last name was "Burke."
Please let me know if you will swear for me. Mange takk!
Gee, I hate to point out spelling errors, but I sure don't want anything to go wrong!